The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #142 I Love You [Redacted] with Jeff Arcuri

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

Jeff Arcuri shares the downsides of dating someone with the same last name, ways we’re turning into our fathers, the PC term for a wife beater, finding out we’re not that Italian after all, and what it was like being in an open relationship with another Arcuri, who is not his cousin he swears. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Jeff Arcuri on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, & Reddit See Jeff in a city near you https://linktr.ee/jeffarcuri Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram See Russell in Titanique in NYC! E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to The Downside. My name is Jamarcus Araizi. My co-host is currently on a meeting for his very important job. He is on mute. Oh, he just ended. It's done. I just wanted to give you an indication of the kind of hard labor Russell is required to do. Okay, everyone has a job sometimes that then not every meeting you have to be like fully present for so i did my portion but doing a podcast during that's a different level only

an overlap of 10 seconds um uh quick reminder this podcast is pro writer strike okay so um welcome to the downside my name is jimarco sorezi. Here filling in for my regular co-host, Douglas Goodheart, is Russell Daniels. How are you doing, Russell? I'm good. How are you? Oh, here are my headphones. Yeah. Chaos.

Chaos. Chaos. I'm good. You know what the worst part is? I jogged here a little, you know? Yeah. Sure. Sure.

I was like, oh, I'll be like right on time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Thank you. That voice you just heard is our guest jeff arcuri welcome to the podcast thank you so much um this is a place where negativity is celebrated uh uh silver linings are debunked the world is crumbling and we all feel it we all feel feel it. Everything's getting worse. The rich are getting richer. And even the middle, we're getting poorer too.

And I'm trying to get on that, on the other side of it. You're trying to get into the... I don't think I'm going to make it. So this is a place where you can, you don't have to pretend to be happy. You can complain. You can bitch. You can moan. And we're going to get into all the negatives.

Yeah. Thanks for your contribution, Russell. If you're a fan of the show, please, please join the Patreon, patreon.com slash downside. Bonus episodes, live episodes, my comedy special, The Rats Are In Me.

How are you doing? I'm good, man. How Italian are you? You know, like, it changes. I don't know. So I think less than I thought because I did an ancestry kit because I dated somebody with the same last name as me. Wait, hold up. You dated another Arcuri?

Yeah. Did you do the kit before you fucked? No, I didn't know. No, we checked well into it. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a name I see all the time. Oh, it's not. No, it's very specifically.

Yeah, Daniels, you'd be safe to fuck a Daniels. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. But if you meet an Arcuri, that's one of mine most likely. Yeah. But we did the ancestry kit. And then it came back that I was like not Italian at all. And I was like Baltic States mostly or Baltic Islands or whatever.

And then she was like, you want to fuck? And you're like, I can't even get it up. I'm so sad that I'm not Italian. No. Wait, this was someone you were hooking up with? Yeah. Oh, quite a bit. We dated.

We dated. That was the one I told you about, that it was the open relationship. Oh. Yeah. Wait. Okay. So you met and- We met at a show because she followed me on Instagram and this is years ago.

And you joke like, oh my God, Akiri. Yeah. We were cousins and then we had sex the first night and we weren't cousins. We did the math, I guess you could say like do you have any uncles named David? Like stuff like that like we just you know, they're real deep. Is it was that the only question? We did we just went through it like we went through like where is this and where's this and then I choose from like Calabria It's her family was from there So consistently and I was like, oh that's not where i'm from and then later i was like my mom was like no that's

that's where it is and i'm like oh okay whoops so then we found that out and i was like let's she was like let's do an ancestry kit and i was like okay sure were you like before you spit on my dick spit in this cup real quick so i can send it over that's funny i'm taking it for later would it have been like how close of relation would it have been to call it off? So we talked about this. Mine. Okay. Before you answer, I've never been confronted with this, but I feel like second cousin.

Okay. No, I know a second cousin. I wouldn't marry. I wouldn't marry just for the public appearance. No, it's too close. But hook it up. It's too close. I wouldn't marry just for the public appearance. No, it's too close. But hooking up. It's too close. I know second cousins.

I think I've never heard of someone being like, this is my third or fourth cousin. That's something I've never, and I've never met a third or fourth cousin. I wouldn't be like, this is my fourth cousin slash wife. No, I know. I'm just saying like, for me in my mind, second is still a little too close.

Okay. What was it for you? It was, my minimum was like three and i'm good and she was like fifth removed and i was like okay so if it's fourth are you gonna be like this is over now you know and what if your maximum was three yeah anymore i'm like too far away i want to keep this yeah i want the same nose in my family the rest of my uh yeah fifth is far i mean i don't i honestly need to like I want the same nose in my family the rest of my life. Yeah, fifth is far.

I mean, I honestly need to write that down on a piece of paper. For all I know. We are not cousins at all. Based on just looking at you, I don't think you guys are related. Just based on the way you're sitting, the whole. That's crazy. Were you nervous when you got those results back? You know what's funny

Is like I didn't care Like if it came back Second cousin I'd be like Alright well you know Let me know if you want to hang out Like I don't

It wouldn't have mattered to me Because I don't know the person I should have said I shouldn't have said that I allowed it to a microphone But I didn't really care man At all

What if it was first? That would be impossible. It would be impossible. They would know. They knew if they had an Uncle Joey. Hey, my family's very distant. I could see it happening with my family. You know who your uncles and aunts are, you fucking idiot.

I have halves. A lot of halves? Yeah. You don't know who your halves are? No. You would know. Okay. Really?

I don't know if I can name them all with a gun to my head. Nobody knows second cousins and like half cousins. No, you're right. You're know. Okay. Really? I don't know if I can name them all with a gun to my head. Nobody knows second cousins and like half cousins. No, you're right. You're right about that. I don't even know all of my cousins' kids' names. Like first cousins' kids. No, no, I don't. I have 50 first cousins.

Over 50 first cousins. Oh, my God. Over 50? Yeah, my dad was one of 12. You're like a super uncle. Yeah. No. No.

But they have kids. They do, but I don't know all their kids' names. What do you call... What's your relationship to their kids? have kids they do but i don't know i don't know all wait oh what are what do you call what's your relationship to their kid that's what i don't know like uh there's nothing kids nothing there's nothing i mean we're related you could say uncle yeah you know or cousin cousin it's like a second cousin or something a second i don't know it's like another cousin god no people are gonna be mad don't know. Would you hook up with them? No. They're not really. It's cousin adjacent.

This is the downside. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi. Well, Russell's expressed interest in opening up his marriage, so let's just talk about that right at the gate.

Great. Have you always been an open relationship guy? No. I hated it every second of it. I didn't want to do it. It was my idea. That was the worst part. So the joke I have about it, I make it seem like it was her idea, but it was her idea to continue it.

So what happened was we met, and then we hit it off right away. And I could tell that she was very like, um, impulsive and she wanted to see me like every single day. Like we went like two weeks without not seeing each other. Sure. And so I felt that. And then she admitted to me after a couple of weeks, like, Hey, I told you I got out of a relationship a while ago. It was literally two weeks ago. We were together for seven years. So I said, yeah, I'm the first guy that you're having feelings for so i said i don't want you to resent me later if you don't feel this so i said you should go on some dates for a little while go out go have fun and then come back to me in a couple months and be

like yeah this is the guy and then like six months later i'm like your head were you like were you like oh she'll come back in my yeah i thought i was a pretty good guy you know i was like i think i can do it and then six months go by and I'm like, are you fucking done yet, dude? And she was not done. She's like, no, I'm still spreading my wings or whatever and her legs. But she was. So she had not been in an open relationship. So basically it wasn't an open relationship.

You were dating and then she was dating and then you guys became a relationship and she continued dating. Yeah. And then I was she's like, you know, you can do it too. But then I didn't really like it because I didn't, I'd meet girls and I'm like, you suck compared to this person. Cause this, she was out of my league in a lot of ways. Uh, and looks and, and, and income, like all that stuff. I was broke as hell.

Like when we did that ancestor kit, I fought it because she's like, it's like 150 bucks a piece. And I'm like, I don't think we need to do it. And then she's like, we'll pay for it. That's why I have a bit where she's like, I'll pay for it. And I'm like, okay,'t think we need to do it. And then she's like, we'll pay for it. That's why I have a bet where she's like, I'll pay for it. And I'm like, okay, worst case scenario, I'll just owe you, fam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, it was, what was your question?

I'm sorry. So it was her, basically you both, it was your both first open relationship. You weren't like poly people. She wasn't a poly person. No, and I don't have the emotional integrity to do that. Yeah, definitely is a lot. Yeah. Do you think you could do it in theory?

No. Or do you have envy? No. No, it seems too much planning, scheduling. To me, that's the part where I'm like, two women. It's just a lot of like, you know, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Texting.

And it's harder. It's a lot. It's a lot of messaging and like coordination, you know i don't know yeah yeah text it and it's it's harder it's a lot it's a lot of messaging and like coordination you know like i don't know i just don't want to make plans you know i think it's also harder for men too because if i if she goes on a date and she said hey listen i can only make this this can only be physical yes a lot of guys will be like that's okay yeah but you go on a date with a girl and you're like listen i will have nothing emotionally for you but this is just sex no girl's gonna be like that sounds fun you know that's okay yeah but you go on a date with a girl and you're like listen i will have nothing emotionally for you but this is just sex no girl's gonna be like that sounds fun you know that's never gonna happen so i had that problem where i would talk about her pretty quickly into the date just so people knew so this girl i was on a date with knew and then they would be turned

off by and then i was dating a girl that was like competing with her a little bit and she wanted to like beat her because this girl that i was dating physically or like in in the game of the game but physically i think about that sometimes that'd be hot as shit yeah uh of two women hitting each other no no like them you know competing physically for like something not like in the same room i was joking around back and forth no no no discover my kink no i'm like oh you like when women hurt each other in the face jeff let's go back into that let's make it a joke let's move on uh that's okay so when you were when you were seeing her you described her as your girlfriend she was your girlfriend

yeah like so when you would meet other women and you would be flirty, when would you bring up the situation? Was it right at the gate? Too, oftentimes too quickly. You'd be like, hi, my name's Jeff. I have a girlfriend, but. Yeah. Yeah, I got a picture of her in my wallet. Like, I would just be like, this is her.

I was crazy about her, dude. And then the girl they'd be out with would not be as hot as her like as attractive as her and then they'd be like what the fuck is this like what am i gonna compete with this girl that you know is waiting and she was crazy enough that she would know where i'd go on dates sometimes and she'd show up oh and she'd get jealous and she'd call me like 20 times during a date and be like i want you to change your mind don't go out with this girl anymore it sounds like that was hurting your your ability to do it well too and then she she'd be like, I love you. You wouldn't have to bring it up. You're like, this is my girlfriend right here. She came to here.

And that was the girl that was competing with her. She showed up to me and her, and it was like a double date where me and my buddy were out with her and another girl. And we were all hanging out, and she was texting me. I'm like, oh, this is where we're at right now, blah, blah, blah, hanging out. And she showed up. She goes, this is crazy, huh? And I go, not after, I mean, it is crazy, but not in the way you're thinking.

This is actually crazy. And while she's doing this, is she living a full life? not after, I mean, it is crazy, but not in the way you're thinking. This is actually crazy. And, and while she's doing this, is she, is she living a full life? I mean, is she being a real hypocrite here? She's going out.

Yeah. And then I, and then she'd get mad at me if I got a little like, Hey, I don't like this. You know, she'd be like, well,

you know, rules are rules. Did she talk to you about the guys that she would date? Like, yeah. Like in detail of like what, like what they did and like where they went, that kind of thing.

Like, yeah. And they were all about a little bit older than me, but oftentimes taller and so much richer. Yeah. And richer. I mean, they had money.

I didn't have any of it. I had none of it. They're like, he's got a steady job working at bank of America at the front desk. Dude, we went to her friend's birthday party. They're all like rich. They're all like did well for themselves.

And we went to her friend's birthday party and she invited me to it we were all hanging out and i was like not drinking because i'm like this is so expensive and at the end she goes hey we just decided to split everything evenly so everyone was like 480 a piece and then she's like is that cool you need me to cover you and i go i got it and then i fucking struggled to pay rent that month because it was a 500 expense out of nowhere for. And I was a struggling ass comedian dog walker. You know? That's crazy. That's very unaware.

Yeah. To do that to anybody. Yeah. I think that's unaware. Yeah. And then how about this? I never thought about this, but I remember one time she never watched Sex and the City.

I joked with her that I used to watch it with my sisters. And one day I come over and she's on the Paul Rudd episode where Sarah Michelle Gellar is dating a guy who doesn't have any money and she's just watching that episode from the beginning. The second I walk in it was like I'm like oh I used to love you she goes oh I know I just put on a random

episode and I was like watching it going what the fuck? She's studying it. Wait did you say Sex and the City? Yeah. Sarah Michelle Gellar? No Sarah Jessica Parker. Buffy the City? Yeah. Sarah Michelle Gellar? No, Sarah Jessica Parker. Sarah Jessica Parker. Buffy the City Slayer. I didn't know Paul Rudd in Paul Rudd?

Paul Rudd was in a few episodes. He was? Oh, I didn't know. I believe so. God damn, he's old. He just looks good. I guess he's been- He's been clueless.

Yeah. Ah, you're right. He's been around. He's an ageless man. He's been around for a long time. That's very funny that she's studying how to date a poor guy. How did you meet her? Studying or just like showing me how cool she is with it.

And without ever us talking about me not having any money and struggling. What's funny is because both actors in that scene are quite rich. And they're just pretending to be. Yeah. Did you ever date someone with much different income? A little bit at the beginning with nicole but it wasn't like it wasn't as like it wasn't i wasn't in situations like that what was our sketch team making per month negative three thousand dollars um no but i one time was at a party

with a friend who took me to the party and we were there and we didn't know that it was like one of those kind of rooftop bars where like a Heineken was like $23. And it was like at a time early on in New York where I was like, I could like, I really couldn't like, we got a beer each and we were like, and both of us were poor, but we were with her friends who were very wealthy. They were doctors. They were, so we were like, Oh, we can't stay here. And I was like, you, this is your friend. I have no problems leaving,

you know? But it was like that kind of thing where, cause also they were like, Oh, like we'll just sit down. We'll have some food. And I was like, no,

we're not sitting at a fucking table with all of these people. Cause there's no way we're going to just be able to be like, not get food or not end up in that situation where you're splitting it's a horrible thing that happens in new york all the time i feel like and so okay so you guys are did she ever hook up with anyone you knew no but she did like i do remember there's a couple comic friends that i have that knew that like she helped them i don't want to give too much away just for her but like like she was working. We already know her full genealogy. Keep a couple of secrets. That's the funny thing now is I'm dating somebody now who I care about very, very much. And if I

didn't, it took me this long to mention it. That's probably a bad, like I want to make sure that I'm seeing somebody and it's very going really well. Oh sure. Has the same first name as her, my ex. And she knows about my ex who had my last name so she got upset and like not upset not i shouldn't say upset but she i remember at one point was like oh jesus christ if we get married i'm gonna have the same exact name as your ex-girlfriend oh my god like if we you know she takes my last name that's what that was how long you've been dating a month and a half good we're already talking about marriage that's hell yeah dude gotta love it oh yeah uh no i saw the instagram picture reveal i was like who's this

soft launch from the side very soft launch well congrats month and a half oh wow that felt honest

congrats month and a half it's going to last forever anyways okay so I've tried to beat around the bush To get to the one thing we had mentioned Yeah yeah because I did tell you this

She started hanging out with Justin Theroux My ex And just loved bringing it up You know Justin Theroux yeah I mean just I saw him in person at that SNL party Just a stunner of a man Yeah

And he seems cool. And seems cool. And is funny. Yeah. And is funny. Don't you fucking say that to my face. His crowd work clips are some of the best in the industry. Wait.

So she started hanging out with him after you. Yeah. She like, the story started, she was like at his bar with a friend. And then he beckoned her over and was like, come over here. And then she started hanging out with him after you. Yeah. She like, the story started, she was like at his bar with a friend and then he beckoned her over and was like, come over here. And then she started going there and she's like, and I've been hanging out with like him and his three other friends that are girls.

And I'm like, Oh, he's just got like a posse of women that he's like, it's called a harem. Yeah. Well I call it, I like to think they're cowboys and they would all be hanging out and she would bring it up just so I,

so she could minimize it. She'd be like, yeah, I was hanging out with Justin Theroux again tonight. And I was like, oh, great. And she's like, don't be weird. I'm like, then why'd you fucking say it out loud to me again? And I got really jealous with it because I was also like, if I was hanging out with Jennifer Aniston and it's just like, don't worry about it. Like, you know. Who would that be for you that if Nicole was like, I got dinner with who?

I mean, I don't know. Justin Theroux is a pretty good one, a pretty universal one. But it would be hard to imagine. But that's in terms of an open relationship. If it was just like hanging out, it's like you're going to want to fuck Justin Theroux. I think if tova like started hanging out with john mulaney like intense you're starting to say you're trying to meet a pick someone that is like me or like someone's like you is like adjacent to like a better version

of you who's a better version of you the ghost of john candy i don't know what you want me to say um uh i don't know yeah i don't think I have a good answer. There's no guy that if Nicole was like, oh yeah, I'm getting dinner with so-and-so again, you'd be like, okay, that's a lot of dinner.

I have to think about it. Like in any, in any, the celebrity realm too. Like everybody. Yeah. Yeah. I just think Justin throws like,

like I think if you ask like a stranger on the street, that'd be like in a family feud, top 10 list of people I'm most nervous with. Yeah. My partner hanging out with Justin Theroux, Jason Momoa, Idris Elba. I was stalking his Instagram, just like, just if I saw like a picture

or something like that. And I look at his Instagram and it's all like him and his rescue dogs, like you son of a bitch. You perfect son of a bitch. God damn. God damn. Yeah, but that was fine. I'm over it. No, I truly am. She messaged me, actually i was recently um uh oddly enough

i was in the hot i was visiting somebody in the hospital and i got a message request from her because i went through a thing i went through a thing and i unblocked people that i had blocked like years prior i was like you know what let me just do a cleanse like get people back in my life that like not back but i'm not gonna go follow them but you did a lot of blocking of exes is that the thing that's my the first thing i do is i completely cut them out in every aspect of my life and i just this way no no no sight you know you tell them you're gonna do that or no no i think that's worse to be like hey just so you know today it's the last day take your screenshots now hey do you go back and delete? Like, okay, in two months when you and this girl have broken up,

are you going to go back and delete the vacation picture that you just posted with her? No. Okay. No. You don't go back and delete, but you would block? I don't know. I don't want to think about that, I guess.

Just kidding. I don't know. I've never been a blocker. I've never been a blocker. I've never been a blocker. I've been told, I've heard both sides of it. Like that's, that's like,

Oh, that's weird that you do that. And I'm like, to me, it's weirder to be like somebody who like goes and looks at their page every now and then and go, Oh, I've muted.

I'll muted for sure. Especially with like Instagram stories where I'm like, I don't need to see this. They'll sneak up on you. And the last thing I want is to chew on that when i'm having a good day is to see them like having fun with someone else or something like yeah i don't want to see that yet but give me a couple months of of cleanse you know but if you block them then you can't fuck up their day when they see you having a good time but that is that to me is i don't even think about that because i don't think i do cool enough shit

that someone's going to see me and be like, oh man, I missed out on that guy going to have lunch alone. I missed out on that zany show. Yeah. She messaged me a week after I blocked her just saying,

you had success with me, I'm so proud of you. I know that you did these things that you talked about when we were dating and this and that. And I was like, oh, thank you very much. I appreciate it. And she apologized profusely for the way she manipulated me through the relationship and stuff. And it was a very honest apology. I said, thank you very much.

And the conversation kept going. And I was like, I don't fucking want to talk to her anymore. So I was just being very polite. And then she kept asking questions. And I'd answer them shortly. And then at one point, I was like, I'm a little busy now but i tell you what when i'm back in the town maybe we can get coffee and catch up that was my way of saying enough with this and she goes well i should just warn you though i'm with somebody and we're engaged and so i didn't want

i want to give you a heads up and i was like you fucking reached out to me dog like you i don't know oh you snap back i didn't i just said i said oh congrats i'll let you know when i'm back in town that's all i said because my head wanted to be like of course you were of course you're engaged you idiot yeah stupid idiot sure sure yeah but i i was like annoyed by that because i felt like i was like you reached out to somehow shoehorn that yeah i was gonna say you thought that that's what it was. She did that shit a lot. It was so she could both feel better about apologizing and also be like, and also, by the way, I'm doing better. Yeah, because I'm not following her, and she sits at a private.

So she sees me doing well, and then now she's like, but I need to let you know that I'm also reaching my goals in life with a partner or whatever. With Justin Theroux. You fucking better not be, dude. If I see her handle name changed to first name and then Theroux.. Justin Theroux. It better not be, dude. I see her handle name changed to first name and then Theroux. I actually don't care, though.

I do want her to be happy. I don't really give a shit. How long ago was the breakup? Long enough for me to not be talking like this. I'll be honest with you. It's an embarrassing long amount of time. This was 2012, guys. it was, it's an embarrassing long amount of time. Yeah. This is 2012 guys. No,

it was, it was honestly like at the, right at the, right before the pandemic is when we, we stopped and it was the, the nail in the coffin was cause she went to Ibiza and I, no, she,

I went to Vegas for the week and she, what part of COVID was this? Pre. Oh, pre. Okay. We broke up right before COVID. Okay. I was in Vegas in like September, 2019. And I was there and I was doing the whole week

and like Brad Garrett's or whatever. And she called me crying right before my set and was like, I just don't want you to hook up with anybody there. I know we have the rules, but I just, I just need this this week. I can't have you hooking up with anybody. And so I was like, I guess Justin was out of town that week. I go, I said, deal. All right, fine. I can't have you hooking up with anybody. And so I was like, I guess Justin was out of town that week. I said, deal. Fine, I'll do this for you. I get back and she goes, her Ibiza trip with her friends was coming up like a week

after. And I go, hey, by the way, same, same. And she goes, well, no, we have our rules. And I was like, that was when I was like, okay, cool. And then she went to Ibiza. When she came back, I go, I can't do this anymore. I said ew to her like at some point. I remember that was like the last thing I said to her was okay, cool. And then she went to Ibiza. When she came back, I go, I can't do this anymore. I said ew to her at some point. I remember that was the last thing I said to her was ugh, like that.

And I turned around and I left because of what she had said, something that she said to me. And I blocked her on everything. And then she tried to contact me for like months after that. And I just completely blocked it. And it felt almost good to be like, I saw like another message come in. I'd be like, uh-uh. I think once in a while when you're feeling like something's not fair someone something's done finally that's so clear

so obvious the hypocrisy that you that it gives you the permission to be like you know what yeah i'm not crazy there's not circumstances it's an a or b yeah and well we have rules yeah that was the worst so funny she said so many things She said I love you to me really quick. Pretty quickly, like a month in, she said I love you. I said it back and then she took hers back. She redacted it. She was like, I don't know. It feels weird now.

Did she do it right after you said it? Yeah. After I said it back, she's like, I don't know. Never mind. Wait, all in one moment. It was the worst. I love you. I love you too. You know what? I've been thinking about mind. Yeah. Wait, all at once? One moment. Oh, it was the worst. I love you. I love you too.

You know what? I've been thinking about it. Yeah, dude. It was pretty fucked up. And I don't think, I don't think much of it was out of like malice. I don't think it was her trying to hurt me on purpose. Intentionally. It's unintentional.

She met, there was a comic, Francis Ellis knew her and was like, oh, I met your girlfriend at this meeting thing or whatever. And she's beautiful, man. I go, yeah, but it comes at a price. And I said that to him and she found out about it or whatever. How'd she find out about it? How'd she find out? Was Francis squealing? No, I think I told her.

I don't know what it was. I don't know what it was. I was sitting next to her. Is that what you said right before you said I love you back? Because then it does make sense. You're one taxing bitch. But I love you too. You know what?

I take it back. Oh, man. That's funny that you told her that. I get it. I'm also an over, I'm one of those like, I like to, love is sharing everything. Yeah. And then I've got friends who are like, what the fuck? Just don't say anything.

Yeah. Yeah. You ever have that moment where you're like, everything's going really, really well. And then you say something just to get it off your chest or share it. Yeah. And then the mood changes. And then you later on are like, I shouldn't have said anything. And then it would have been just like it was before.

But I don't like to hold things if I do know that they would make them upset and they should know about it. I like to tell them those things, but sometimes I'm like, why would I tell them this and fuck their day up for no reason? I wouldn't be like, hey, just to let you know, I thought about my ex about three times today. That's not something you would share. And it's not something that happens to me

at all, guys. Look at me. Look at me. I'm serious. I really care about the girl i'm with right now um when how long before you and nicole said i love you was it was it a moment was it casual uh no it was early um i think probably a few months in okay you know simple who said it first me really but she said it right back. Did you, like, were you like, I'm going to say this tomorrow? No, no, no.

It was in the moment. It was in the moment. I didn't overthink it too much. That's so sweet. Yeah. But how about you? Totally, it was, we had, I'm like a very, like, I like i'm like i wait i imagine you having spreadsheets i wait i'm like no it's a very i i'm worried i'm worried it hasn't happened yet i don't know if

this is like this is honestly this is one of the stories i'm like would tova care if i shared it have i shared it before okay but i'll share a different one. If she gives me permission, I'll tell her next time. But we have said it. But my first girlfriend in high school, we dated like three months. First person to touch my dick. It was a, so, you know, I loved her quite quickly. I loved her quite quickly. I love her more than anyone I've ever loved.

I loved her more than I've loved a person in this whole world. But what I did, I wanted to say it. I was dying to say it. We only dated three months. She was the costume designer for Little Shop of Horrors. And I was Seymour.

Was she in high school? I was in high school too. Yeah. Wow. Usually we had a mom who was the costume designer so oh yeah yeah it was like a big theater program it was a good theater program so i was a junior she was a sophomore and she was putting on these flowers for when i come back on stage for this final moment and i i was so scared about what she was going to say so i waited until i had to run on stage

and after she finished adjusting the flowers i said i, I love you. And then I ran on stage and closed out the show. Oh, wow. And then when I got off, we just went walking. My stepdad was picking me up somewhere and we started kissing. And I said, I'm sorry. I just felt like I needed to say, she's like, no, it's okay.

I love you too. And then my stepdad was like, Jamarco, I'm over here. And I went in the car and I was just beaming. I was so smiling. And my stepdad was being a Jamarco, I'm over here. And I went in the car and I was just beaming. I was so smiling. And my stepdad was being a dick. And I was just in such a good mood. I didn't care. And it was really nice. That's amazing.

And then she left me for a summer camp counselor a couple of weeks later. You leave me for a goofy dentist? Uh-huh. A real what? That gave me some fears. Steve Martin as the dentist in that movie really that movie that movie fucked me up dude the muppets movie fucked me up as a kid i had a

weird some weird fears what happens in the muppets movie no it was the muppets live at uh in epcot or whatever it was what did you see that scared you it was 3d uh-huh and i was oh yeah that live show and they would like have like things like the the like the air would come out or something like that they do that in regular movie theaters now i had never been i went to the time square one and i didn't know i was seeing the new scream movie and i didn't know that i had bought a ticket to like 4dx and it was a fucking roller coaster i didn't know all of a sudden, the trailers start. And well, they gave us 3D.

And I was like, why am I seeing Scream in 3D? OK. So I have the 3D glasses. The trailers start. It's for the Mario Kart movie or whatever. And we race up. And we're moving. And there's water shooting at us in the air.

I was going to say, it might have just been a homeless guy. No, no, no. And I was like, what is happening? I didn't know that this was a gym. I thought it was expensive. I spent $24 or whatever it was. But I was like, we're moving. And it was so funny.

There was an older black woman next to me who clearly didn't know either. And she was like, where are we going? It's like, I don't know. What's happening? Did she say that out loud? Yeah, she said, where are we going i don't know what's happening she said that yeah she said where are we going and uh it was really funny but um yes those even now i'm like i don't need that it freaks me out the the oh when people got stabbed in the movie a little thing in your back like a little that doesn't even make any sense like a little a little poke like a little thing um and what other like i

wonder when that applies to the mario movie like luigi i couldn't the mario movie so it was i was i was able to enjoy the scream movie without it wasn't too much with that it was like every once in there was air there were sometimes like like with stabs and and there was water once i um but it wasn't too much like this but even the trailer for Mario, it was too much movement. Like my drink was spilling. Oh, my God. It was like not an enjoyable movie theater experience. I would never want to do that.

This is in Times Square. People can just go. I had no idea that that was a thing. I just like those are the only three things. They got air. Air. Compressed air. A little poker.

A little poker. And sometimes it would shake you. You'd find it like tits come on screen so it just motorboats you um but yeah the muppet thing is like that there i'm gonna make a compilation one day we don't have enough yet of stories of yours that start with there was an older black woman next to me and the story begins with something she said um but it scared you like I've had movies that made me have like existential

about dying is that how it scared like were you scared after the movie like is air gonna hit my ear no I was so young I was probably like 6 or 7 but I do remember throwing a fit about going into the theater because they said it was 3D and I just didn't want to

I didn't want that I just didn't want that. I just didn't want that at all. That's tough as a parent to be like, just do it. If you can't face this baby, the whole world's in 3D. Yeah. I was being a little bitch about it. Was that the kind of kid you were? Sometimes, yeah, I think.

I think so. I was a pretty fucking weird kid like i was i got lost a lot like my parents lost me like probably 10 times would you wander off yeah i just start i just run away not in a bad way my parents are great you know but i would just like be at disney where i remember one time my dad and i just walked away separately from each other and i was like six he just walked in one direction i walked in the other and then he found me from him yeah got it from him? Yeah, we both are. I remember when I got tested for ADD,

my mom was like, can you do him too? And then they tested my dad and I was like, yeah, he has ADD as well. They just did that in the office at the time? They said, sure. Yeah, I think it was

when he read all the symptoms and my mom was like, how many of those would you qualify somebody as an adult with ADD? And he's like, honestly, we have like three of these or whatever it was.

I don't remember. I was so young. So I have, actually, I'm going to see a neurologist soon. Tova is convinced that I have ADHD. And not like in like a – I'm a little silly. Like she's seen me do work. Like the way that I bounce around things. And she's really convinced.

And I, I think I agree. Like, I don't think, I don't think I'm just being silly about, or I'm just like, I have trouble focusing sometimes. Yeah.

So I'm, I'm excited to get tested. Do you take Adderall? No, I can't. I did. And then I felt like this is what people should be like. And it felt amazing.

But the next day I felt like shit. I felt way worse than I ever was before that. When did you take it? When? Yeah. When did you try it? I think I did like five or 10 milligrams years ago and like hung out. And I was like, this feels like just slow, slow release cocaine.

Like where I'm just, I really want to listen to people. I really want to hear what they have to say. And I'm thinking about what their words are saying, not what I'm going to say or like I'm not going out because there are a lot of times when someone's talking to me and I will realize that I haven't been listening for the past 30 seconds. I've spoken to you before, Joe. Oh no. So when you got diagnosed as a kid though, what did they do? They said you had it. Yeah. So my mom gave me the option. I was like 12 or 13. She goes, do you want to go and get, take medicine every day to, to be better about this?

Or do you want to try and work on it with me? Cause they said you can work on it with stuff with your parents, like, you know, at home and work on your attention span and stuff. What was my mom? What kind of exercise? I don't know. Cause we never did them. I just remember mom being like, good.

You don't want the meds. Cool. And then I just, she helped me with my projects till I was 15. You know what I mean? Like it was, did you get extra time on tests? No, I was 15. You know what I mean? Did you get extra time on tests? No. I was pulled out. I was put into whatever is called the dumb kid area

for like three days. And then they took me out. What's the word you use for kids like that, Russell? Okay, okay. It starts with an R. Okay. You were for like three days and they took me out. That's when she brought me to the psychologist

and we did like tests. And they were like, you are smart. And now i look back and i feel stupid because i was just listening to what my mom told me if the doctor told me but like i did like a really well on the math stuff the english stuff the words all that stuff was fine and it was like he's not stupid you know it's just that he just really doesn't care if i do have adhd i feel like i will be a little change for you well i would certainly explore adderall especially for like utilitarian purposes like oh i need to write a screenplay or a script which has been like the bane of my existence that's why i love stand-up because i bounce and i write here and i get stuck

and i move here and i move here so i feel like I would use it for like very specific purposes and I would try it just to see, but I think I would feel a dull rage about why am I finding this out at 34? Oh, wow. That's an interesting thought because I feel like I think the same thing where you're like, Oh,

I've been broken this whole time. This was a quick fix for it. Right. Yeah. Or just like, then I shouldn't have done this or I shouldn't have. I just think sometimes about how much of,

because my memory sucks. Some of my memory, it just blows. And I think about how much of school was literally me staring at words, trying to memorize them in the most brutal way possible of just looking at it, looking at it just so I could pass this test and pass that test. And I'm like, what was I doing with my fucking childhood?

Just memorizing shit that I don't remember anymore. And I don't think it made me stronger. I don't think it gave me a skill. I think it was just busy work. And I'm like, you know, school obviously has to be made in a way that helps everybody get through it but part of me is like i wish i'd gone to a montessori school i wish i'd fucking done anything other than taking three years of latin and forgetting all of it i just yeah so i don't know if i have that diagnosis i think i i i won't know what to do with the anger but there's just a

frustration that the that that my parents didn't investigate it a little bit more when i was younger isn't that funny how you yeah i think that was i think the same thing yeah yeah i wonder i mean i always feel like it was more investigated if you were struggling grade wise do you know i mean sure but i think there might have not been like i felt like at the time it was like oh they're struggling in school so if you weren't necessarily struggling in school. But I think that's always been my thing is I'll work to get it done. I think my parents have always had a like, oh, he'll be fine. Like I think they view me as like, and I think I am that way to a certain extent.

I might be depressed. I might be this, but like I'll be fine. I'm self-reliant. And part of it's like yeah but that's not check in yeah mom who listens to this podcast mom i love you you're great it was all you gotta go back and forth too like maybe it would you you wouldn't have been maybe yourself if you didn't have that extra struggle or whatever it may be it may have been with attention yeah that's my whole point i don't like who i was on when i've taken adderall i didn't like how i i had straight thoughts like

where it was just like everything was in a row everything everything i was thinking was happening all it felt good but at the same time i'm like i enjoy my daydream sometimes i enjoy being alone because sometimes i'll be like like i'll have those thoughts would make me laugh and then i write them down sure and if i'm on adderall i feel like i'm just gonna be like this is what i need to do this is what i need to do this is what i need to do yeah yeah and it might take me out of that that fun my third nipple's gone you know what i mean yeah if if i got adderall and i'm just joking in case the law enforcement is listening would you ever do a patreon exclusive where we both took adderall no no really no i don't want i don't want to do that i don't feel like like I need it. Just for shits and giggles.

No, it freaks me out. I don't want to do it. It all freaks you out. I'm not a drug boy. Just try. A doctor would say you can take a little bit of Adderall once. I just don't want to. Just try it, though.

I've agreed to shrooms. I've agreed to things. I'm not doing Adderall. We're going to do a shroom's night. Wow, interesting. Yeah. I like how you're like, shroom's okay, but slightly- Yeah, a little strange.

It's in the future. We'll see. This episode is brought to you by A Real Pain. From Searchlight Pictures comes one of the buzziest films at Sundance Film Festival, A Real Pain. Written, directed, and starring Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg, alongside Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin. Witness a hilarious and moving story about two mismatched cousins as they tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother.

The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th. So you were born Queens? I was. Queens, but we lived on Long Island. Okay. And how long were you here until? 15. And then we moved to Michigan. So were you growing up with Italians?

Like, is Italian part of your identity? Yes. Do you know what this is I'm wearing right now? Yes. Have you ever seen this before? Yes. A guinea tea. A guinea tea. Yeah. Don't say it. Remember they call them wife lovers now or something?

Oh, they change from wife feeders to wife lovers? I think it's like wife something else, like wife lovers or wife something. I want to look it up. Because it's like that's the PC version. I'm like, how about you just stop the whole phrase? You don't have to. That's like instead of the R word, you said the smartest people in the world. Yeah, right.

Wife lovers. The one wearing that shirt is yelling out the window, Hey, Martha, I love you. Wife lovers. This is a website I've already visited. Wife lovers. I don't even know how to look this up. Alternative word for wife beaters.

Thank you. Alternative. Russell Daniels. Okay. When I'm looking up something. No, no, no. I'm going to stare at both of you. Can you fucking talk for fuck's sake?

Jesus Christ. That's why we need a producer to come in here and look this up while we're doing it. I can't wait for the date. Paige. Paige. Paige. Alternative words for wife beaters.

For wife beaters. Oh, you're getting a phone call. Jesus Christ. Okay. I'm waiting. It's right there. Just read it. A guinea tea or a dago tea.

Now, those are slurs, right? Those are slurs. Guinea and dago. Yeah, that's not. But there's one. I heard somebody say it. Put PC in there. What is it?

Another sleeveless shirt, ribbed tee, muscle shirt. Wife pleaser. That's what it is. Wife pleaser. Yeah, wife pleaser. That is fucking insane.

Yeah, that's what it is. No one who wears this has ever pleased a woman in their entire life. I gave you two kids. What else you want um how do italians use the word guinea and dago like do they say hey my my guinea like do they use it between each other it's what but why we call it my dad called it a dago tea okay yeah

it's toward it's toward sure but we never use use it positively with each other. No, we didn't take it back. A WAP. WAP Guinea-Dago. That's like the big slur. WAP is also pretty encompassing with a lot of different ethnic backgrounds. Really? What does WAP stand for? Without papers.

Oh, someone did tell me that once. Yeah. Without papers. OTB. I met some Albanians. I'm OTB. And I was like, what is. I met some Albanians like I'm OTB. And I was like, what is it? Like off the boat.

And I'm like, oh. Like I remember when I first heard it. I'm like, you guys took a boat? Like really? Like a boat? And I'm like, no, it's just like a term for like where we just got here. And I was like, oh, you were born. And they go, no, my parents were like born there.

But, you know, we were born there. I'm like, okay. Well, you've been, you're off, not off the boat. Do your parents speak Italian? No. The thing is, my dad's like not even fully Italian. And my mom's not at all. She's like Polish and Irish in the mix.

What percentage of Italian were you at the end of the day? You got this test, this genealogy test. Two percent. No way. Yeah. So I knew I had a feeling it wasn't accurate because that's I mean, I look like my dad when I was like when my dad looked younger, I looked similar to him. Yeah.

So I'm like, I don't think I'm adopted. But I do remember my mom pushing back on doing the ancestry kit. Like, I don't think you need to do that. You know? And I was like, why? That's the reason I'm not taking it. Why I haven't taken it yet. I'll tell you why I'm about to in a second, though.

But I'm worried it would be 2%. And I would feel embarrassed that my name is Gianmarco Vincenzo Rezzi. There's a degree of, like, people assume I'm worried it would be 2% and I would feel embarrassed that my name is Gianmarco Vincenzo Rezzi. There's a degree of like people assume I'm Italian and I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm a little Italian. But if it's 2%, I mean, that's very little. That makes me feel like it's inaccurate because it was like, oh, yeah, and you're like 60% in Baltic Islands, whatever it's called. I forget the Balkan whatever and like this and that. And I'm like, that's not I have no family in that realm nothing so i didn't think it was accurate someone recently wrote me on instagram with the last name cerezi and uh she said cerezi is an uncommon name

is it possible we're related and i said let's look it up to see if we can fuck and she she said it went further back to a group of jewish italians in northern italy and i was like oh my god if i'm jewish on my dad's side that would blow my mind because it's always just been my mom's side that's jewish and so now i do want to get the test because if i'm if my dad's even a little jewish that's just amazing yeah information for me yeah the idea that he's jewish why because i've just always been like well my dad's a little italian and my mom's jewish like my dad has just like not part of a jewish identity and he has zero jewish identity and if i found if i could go to my dad and be like you're a jew that's a fun power i would i'd actually want to spend time with my

family if i could go up to each one and be like, guess what? You're a Jew. So no one in your family has taken any of these tests? No. Wow. No. Maybe you could find some part, like a different percentage to try and like exploit, you know, outside. I got booked recently.

A Wednesday night I'm doing like a Jewish one-nighter and they want me to bring a Jewish opener and then Thursday night I'm doing an Italian one-nighter bringing an Italian opener and they each said in the description they want some Jewish jokes and they want some Italian jokes wow

I have way more Jewish jokes than Italian jokes but I have enough Italian jokes that's funny I did a Jewish wedding but it was themed like can you make fun of jewish people too i'm like i'm not jewish i'm like no we prefer that and i remember uh it was funny because it was ron hershberg was i told him about we were living together at the time and i told him like i got this jewish wedding i'm doing and he goes why the fuck are they booking you you're not jewish you're catholic why would you and i remember being

like imagine you get booked for a traditional cath wedding. And I'm like, why are they booking a Jew? Why aren't they booking Catholic like me? But he was like, I ended up doing the thing. And I just made fun. I looked up stuff about Judaism and just joked about it. What was the riskiest joke you made? I don't think I took many risks. I don't think I took big risks.

I do remember talking about how Jewish religion is the only one that they're just not looking for more. Every other religion is like, can you please join us? And then you ask Jewish people, they're like, no, we're good. We're good. And then you guys don't have hell, which is awesome. That's cool. You can just write that out. Yeah, there's heaven, and then

just heaven. I was just doing stuff like that, and I'd weave in and out of it. And then I would ask them, I think I remember asking dumb questions that made me and out of it and and then i would ask them i would ask and i think i remember asking like dumb questions that made me seem dumb about it and so they laugh and i'm like what what's going on you know sure sure i hammed it up as i do when i did because we which they hated by the way hamming it i'm kidding because hey there we go when i did my friend's uh wedding kevin wong, he's Chinese and there's a lot of Chinese people there. And the riskiest joke I did was, oh, seeing so many of you here makes me worried I should be taking my shoes off.

And I was like, I asked four people before I went that night, like, this is okay, right? Like, this is taking off shoes. Taking off shoes, that's a safe enough. He was asking a Filipino caterer, like, what do you think? right? Like this is a taking off shoes. That's a safe enough. Just asking a Filipino caterer. What do you think? Wait, now so this is a wedding too that you did. How often is comedy done at weddings?

Like hiring comedians? Because you both have done it. It's always weird. I recently did a rehearsal dinner and it's just weird because the age ranges are wild. Yeah. And they told me, they said,

do, you can do whatever. And I did. And there's little kids running around and old people and politically, it's all over the map.

I mean, it's a smorgasbord. Yeah. Yeah. So it was fine, but you did the wedding itself. Yeah. It was like, it was the reception.

Not like we're gathered here. Well, I don't even know if they, yeah. Honestly, I'd hate to have that at my reception. Not you particularly. No, I get it. I mean, I'd have Renat. But no, but it's just like, it's just because it might not go well. Music's, you play that funky music.

It's going to go well. And then you're that weird guy just eating lobster by himself at the end of it. With a wrinkled suit. Yeah, it can be weird. But I would take them. It depends. The anxiety is higher for me to do that gig because I'm like,

this is their wedding. I can't. That's probably the one time that you can be guaranteed I won't do a lot of new material. No, you just go in. I go in exactly with the plan set. That's probably the one time that you can be guaranteed I won't do a lot of new material. No. Yeah. You just go in. I go in exactly with the plan set.

You ever see the Adam Hunter? It's an old video. It's probably close to like 15, 20 years old. Adam Hunter is a comic out of LA that did a wedding and like the father of the bride like attacked him because she was being too crass about the white. She said, go hard on us, this and that. It was calling her a whore and all this stuff. It's a video you can look up,

90% sure, but I remember watching it. I don't want to say, I don't think it's fake. Is he doing well? Is he riding it? I don't think so. I don't remember watching it going, this guy's killing. Oh, why is that guy attacking him? I think it was really rough. Only the wife was laughing or something. I remember the very obvious father stood up

and grabbed him or something like that. I had someone, I found it recently, I did some Connecticut gig where the guy was like, call my wife a big old Connecticut whore. And I was like, did you clear this by her first? Because I can't just say that. I can't just call Wait, he said this to you

in private before? as yeah like roast my wife call her like a caller a big old connecticut whore and people people do that they they yeah they want that well they don't know how to read a room at the same time when they send these requests yes i did a private gig when the guys were like go in on the ceo we sat him up front and i saw the opener take that as like oh yeah and kept calling him like a fat piece of shit and i'm like i was like it wasn't going over well because also we have different definitions for them going hard is like what's that you're going a little bald there buddy yeah and he's like you fucking fat piece of crap yeah it was very much like that where he

just kept and then he like would double down like did it again later he goes august that's still not working too far guys too far and i'm like cool i still have 45 minutes to do after you but then i made fun of him very lightly you know what i mean like you were like you punchy piece of shit yeah well i was like oh i love how there's only you know there's two black people and one of them working right now that's great dude no I appreciate the diversity of your hiring all this stuff like that but not like you know because they were you know

it's fun but I'm not going to be like be like I bet your wife fucks people behind your back you asshole whore is it I've had some crowd work recently I like the word whore

like I think like it's just got a special like old timiness to it people aren't on board with it and I wasn't calling a I wasn't calling a woman a whore but it was like something about I think it's just got a special like old timiness to it people aren't on board with it and i wasn't calling uh i wasn't calling us a woman a whore but it was like something about i think it was about like a someone's divorced the father cheated and i like called the father a whore and everyone was like that's fun calling a man a whore is hilarious i thought so but i thought so i think both uh is it because of sex work? Is that what the thing is? Like because of –

Maybe. I think whore and slut, you can't use them. Slut's funnier. But slut, I feel like people have the same reaction to slut where it's just like, hey, that's okay. It's one of those things. No one wants to be called a slut, but the point is that it's okay to be. And I'm like, well, what do we do with this word? Yeah.

This word has to – it can be bad or it could be good, but let me use it. It's such a great word. Slut. Let's rank them. We have, whore is probably the hardest one to sell in my opinion. Whore seems older. Unless you add a little like whore. It seems like old fashioned kind of. Yeah. You know,

he used it really well was Norm McDonald said whore. I felt like he was like a guy walks in he sees a whore oh yeah and then he gives that look yeah he gave that look like what do you think i said i just said this thing well if you say it with intent to be mean that's the hard one yes like you're a whore yeah that's oh yeah that's bad that sounded really bad coming out we're gonna cut that from yeah wow i don't i don't like to edit, but we've got to take that out. I know whore,

slut, skank. Skank. Skank just means... You're in school still. You're young. You're thinking of children right now. No, I just feel like you keep that in though, huh? I associate it with middle school, like when we were in middle school.

It's not a term I hear a lot now, skank. I hear it just because of Legion of Skanks. Oh, yeah. But yeah. Oh, yeah. It almost lost its... Yeah. To me, it sounds like a girl that's promiscuous, but also a little stinky.

It's usually attached with sometimes skank whore. Yeah. It can be thrown together. Like her hair is always wet, you know? And skank whore feels softer than whore. Yes, it're right so we got you're right whore skank whore is bad slut hoe we can't say hoe oh no we can't say that not casually i can't be like oh she's a hoe you know because i feel like i'm yeah i think that word died when my mom bought me the Urban Outfitters t-shirt that said like it had something about hoes. Like I got a big hoe and it was a guy holding like a gardening hoe.

Like one of those t-shirts. Did you have an issue with that for years in your comedy career where people bought you funny t-shirts? You're like, for a stage. I think I started late enough that I didn't. What t-shirts did people buy? Oh, like I see dumb people, like stuff like that. You remember those shirts? My sister, every year, till about two years ago,

when I sat her down and I said, listen, you gotta, I do not wear any of these. My other sister, I have it at her house. I have two full drawers of all the shirts my other sister got me for Christmas every year. And it's all like something funny or like a dog like that or something. She goes, no, it's funny. You can wear it on stage. What was the thought process

like if things weren't going well, you could do a reveal of the shirt like being like oh, that's your closer. Just be like, oh, I guess that whore joke didn't do well. The shirt that I used to love, it said club sandwiches, not seals. And it had a seal holding a sandwich like this.

And I can remember in my brain going like, this is a great shirt. You ever have a shirt? You ever go through Urban Outfitters phase? No. You ever wear anything funny? A funny shirt? Yeah. I don't think so

um but they didn't they don't make as many shirts for fat people so like any of those kind of you're looking long just like you know plain shirts you know uh-huh um no i don't think i remember what any of the shirts said when i often i do remember i have the see i see dumb people one i don't know Often I can't see dumb people is a really bad. That's a cut. Just like that was probably 10 years ago. She got me that shirt. That was like, I think the spawn of it.

But I remember I was, they're all just, she just like, thanks for the pajama shirts. Appreciate it, dude. I'm never wearing these in public. I recently, I'm trying to figure out this merge, but there's one shirt that says child of divorce and I forgot I was wearing it. And on stage I said like, I said, my parents are divorced and I got a big laugh. I was like, what?

Oh no, it was the shirt. They were like, I stated the thing on the shirt. The title of the movie. That's right. It's that kind of moment. That's it. I'm a child of divorce. Available after the show for $25. Then you cum in a towel.

Let me tell you, I just did Boston. How many cum rags do you sell, buddy? $500 worth of cum rags, baby. Wow. You know I had an idea last night about a merch idea? When I was high on the track? Stupid, but like a New York merch idea. It's never going to be smart.

It's not going to be like, whoa, what? what you're gonna sell thesauruses yeah it's on it what is it my it's a very dumb idea now that i'm saying it out loud i almost regret it but i think it's uh post-it notes that just say don't sit here for new york because there's how many times have you gone on a train and it's like a packed train and there's one empty seat and you go to sit and you go fuck there's juice and then you sit nearby and now you feel responsible for everyone else comes you go up up up you know you have to they have to stop them from doing it take a post-it out put it on the seat don't your ad symbol on it yeah you know like that's a lot to carry around for the whole post-it note you gotta have it ready i'm sorry you're gonna have single use so you can you know slip it in your wallet

i think you might spend more time above ground than I do, okay? Yeah. I'm down there a lot. I'm in the trenches. You're like, I needed 10 post-its today. Yeah, dude. So you moved to Michigan. Yeah.

At 15. Yeah, 15. That's tough to move at that age. Kind of. I was a dork in New York, and so I was going to move at that age. Kind of. I was still, I was a dork. I was a dork in New York. And so I was going to be a dork. I remember my mom going, you can be the cool new Italian guy.

And I remember like, did you think it's my choice to be the loner nerd this whole time? Like, oh, this time I'll try the better way to do it. I'm still going to be the same kid just in a, you know, sprawling space.

Is that why they moved to give you a second chance? No, my dad, cause there was a falling out with my dad's business and his dad. What was his business? It was in New York, actually. You know, Val, the comedy seller, grew up right now by my dad's business. They probably ran into each other. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, it was called Flowerama in Queens. And there was just a falling out with that whole thing. Between specifically your dad and his dad? Mm-hmm. Was it ugly? Yeah, I wouldn't say it was pretty at all. Sure. My grandfather sued my dad, so I understand.

Is there a tie-in on your dad's side? Uh-huh. Yeah, I guess the blood runs hot, you know? Yeah. Especially, I don't know. It's funny to think of it with Flowerama. Was it a flower store? No, it was everything.

It was everything for weddings so you get your rent your tux plan your travel agency like all that stuff get your photos done get your video done yeah flowers all of it oh interesting yes does that business still exist um i don't know i don't think it is but they had like a manhattan i think that's they we i grew up in well you know not like rich rich but we were in a good spot. I remember in Long Island. Did you go to more weddings than, like, was your dad going to weddings or he was just good at planning them? No, he would just, like, he would be the photographer sometimes, but he was just a, he was a boss.

He was a boss in the business. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so there was, there was like a lot of locations, you know, they had like the dry cleaning for all this dress it like i had a lot going on so sure it was a big business i remember that seems like the sign is still up on myrtle avenue that's artistic to a degree i mean your dad's picking out dresses this dress is nice i don't think he was doing that i think there's people under him probably doing that i don't think he was scrolling through like magazines like oh we have to get this one yeah you understand he he was running a business he wasn't the wedding planner do you understand the difference of like

yeah what the jobs are that you chose yeah yeah you know it's weddings yeah he did do aesthetic things i think sometimes especially because he was a photography and he'd do the videography and stuff like that yeah uh and did you still talk to your grandpa after that? no, per the request of my family wow we went to a wedding at one point and I remember we went to the wedding and I was like I didn't speak to my grandpa

at the wedding, like he came over to me and I ignored him was that hard? yeah dude he said like, Jeff cold reed at this point 17 and I remember my dad old were you at this point? 17. Dad is tough.

And I remember my dad saying, thanks for that, by the way. And I was like, hey, anytime. Because I never really knew what went down. I didn't know how bad it was. And I never asked. I was never the kid. I didn't care. I just showed up.

I remember we got to Disney World one time, and I didn't know we were going to Disney World. I remember walking up and going, Disney World. Mom world mom's like yeah it's the vacation we planned like we've been we flew here spent the night in a hotel and went to disney world the next day and i didn't know we were going there until the next day people always for my family jokes around about how they just they they forgot to tell me things all the time and then i'd just be like all right where are we going and i just show up yeah when you came here you were like are we doing a podcast yeah i was like yeah. Yeah. When you came here, you were like, oh, are we doing a podcast? Yeah. I was like, yeah. I remember you were eating lunch.

So did your grandpa, did he? Has he died? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you never talked to him again? Right, yeah. Yesterday, actually. No, he died. I remember we found out.

My dad found out about the death like three days after the funeral. That his dad died. Jesus Christ. Did your dad have siblings that still talked to him? Yeah. Now they're on decent terms, I believe. Two of them live here. Have you gotten enough info where you feel like they made a justified request to a 17-year-old boy?

Or do you wish your parents had not requested that of you so you could have spoken to your grandpa? I didn't have a good relationship with him. I didn't care about my grandpa. He was kind of a dick. Sure. I remember that. I remember the first time I think I heard the N-word. Oh.

Yeah. It's kind of fucked up. He picked me up to go because he owned a business in Manhattan. And he picked me up from Long Island to go fishing, deep sea fishing with my other cousin. And we went to go to a deli to go get sandwiches prior. And my grandpa, he had this green Jaguar car. And we were pulled up to the deli with his car right outside. We're getting sandwiches.

And we just hear smash. And a dude broke the window and stole his car phone out of his thing. And we ran out. And he just screamed it out. And I remember being like, whoa, whoa. You know, like so many things happened to me in that moment. And it felt very weird. Never told anybody about that actually.

How old were you for this moment? Oh, I was probably 10 or 11 or something like that. Pretty young, you know? Yeah. I'm trying to think if at that age I would have been like, you shouldn't say that. Or if I would have just like, I mean, did you know, did you know at that age? I'm just trying to think at that age I would have been like, you shouldn't say that. Or if I would have just like, I mean, did you know,

did you know at that age, I'm just trying to think at that age, did I know, I knew it wasn't a word to say, but if I truly like was like, you cannot say that word. No, I wouldn't have been that. I would have been like,

is this what I'm supposed to do? Like I was very, I was a very, you know, moldable age where I'm like, oh, this is what I do. And I think it also, not that it's justified, but it lessens the blow do like i was very i was a very you know multiple a where i'm like oh this is what i do and i think it also not that it's justified but it lessens the blow in a new york accent in new york accent because it's an automatic a at the end of it you know sure yeah yeah so it didn't sound as the r

don't get it wrong yeah but there's a guy and if you say it in alabama you're getting every consonant you know like you hear those letters but i think it was more, you're getting every consonant, you know, like you hear those letters, but I think it was more like, you know, he like yelled it out. Like it wasn't like, yeah. You know, what did you have?

Was he married? My grandfather? Yeah. Yeah. And that's the kind of messed up thing is, I don't even know if I should be sharing this. I don't know. It doesn't,

I don't think it matters, but he, um, like left my grandmother with my, my uncles and my dad for another woman and then started a whole other family. At what age? What age was your dad? Oh, my dad was still in, I believe, in his teens. See, that's exactly what happened to my dad.

Really? Was his dad, left him for another family. Are you guys related? I'm curious to race you. I'm curious. Exact same thing. My dad, he started a second family and it was when my dad was like a teenager and

I think my grandpa died before I was born, but like they didn't speak. There was a lot. I mean, you're right. Maybe it's an Italian fucking thing. It's like, but that's the funny thing is Italians are always the first to be like, family, everything. Everything.

It's always about Sunday nights. Yeah. They're fucking Sunday nights. And then that's maybe because there's so much love that it overflows into hate. Yeah. Yeah. No, I say, I say, I never met my dad's dad,

which is a tradition I hope to continue with my son. That's funny. So your grandma, she passed away as well? Yeah. Yeah, it just sucks when your family's not, I don't know, again, the older I get, the more I'm like, it sucks that my family

couldn't get along. I think a lot of families can't get along. That's what I'm saying. I think that's the majority. I think that anybody that looks like they're amazing they got some they got some skeletons or they got some you know yeah i think the other thing too is that there's like i think what's hard with family is that um i find that people force this like thing to be like this like the family is everything thing where you're like, sometimes you're like, you just don't, it's like any other human relationship that you have. Sometimes you're

like, well, of course I'm going to see you. There's obligation to see you. There's blah, but if you force all of these sort of like this forced intimacy of like closeness to be forever and always people change, people grow people. So you have to have a little bit of a, like a, you know, be able to be a little bit of a like a you know be able to be a little bit like we're not gonna have this like yeah i don't know you know because people have expectations and and and people expect to see to have this this close thing there's a lot of pressure and i think that sometimes people i don't disagree i just think like you know my one of my uncles died last year grandpa died like. Like they're, they're dying. There's like a generation is dying. And I'm like, wow, I saw them a couple times when I was a kid and that was it. And I'm not saying I was like dying to go see them or anything, but when they die, part of it's just like, wow, I'm not connected to my heritage at all. I'm closer with the random woman

who reached out to me on Instagram than I am my own uncle. I just always wonder if I would feel more in tune with life if I knew where I came from. But it's just tough. I think it's just, I wish I could know my dad's dead because I feel like it would make me

understand my father more. I think I would view him with more empathy. I would see, like when we, when we get really deep bad fights, my dad was very emotional, especially when I was younger. But he would say, you know, I'm, he would essentially say I did better than my dad. That's usually the case though. It's your, your dad is the improved version of their dad.

Imagine how bad they were. If you think that you've taken away some fucked up things from your dad, you are going to be fucked up in comparison to your son. Sure. Who's going to look back and be like, I can't believe that he had a podcast or something. There's going to be things where you're going to look back and be like, I can't believe I was wrong for that long, this new generation or whatever it is.

You never know, man, I get hard. I see as I get older, certain things that my dad does that I do. I mean, it's, it's more just,

it's really more just about like isolation and depression and like just the ways we need to be alone or we're grumpy. And it's, it's scary. Yeah. It's scary. I've noticed that in relationship patterns with myself with the women i that might be more of my mom thing just the way my parents interact like my mom's very like type a that's what we gotta do and my dad goes we're gonna do

you know yeah now i'm in relationships where i'm like whatever you want do what you say you know like and i find myself being that guy where i'm like you know we're like i've seen my mom like yell at my dad and then my dad will like just look at us and be like you know like one of those and i'm like i never want to do that and then i'm with a girl and then she yells at me and i get to like i look out the window i'm like oh no oh no i'm doing dad right now you know where you're just coping but i think that i also am somebody needs to be put in check sometimes there is something with dads where they can't you're like there's some point where you're like you

can choose what you want to like my dad sometimes will go out to dinner and he'll be like he'll be crippled by like just what he wants to order and like my mom will have to like and I'll be like just man you gotta like know what you want. You have to like but do you know what I mean? How is he crippled? Is he anxious or he's just like. He'll be like I don you gotta like know what you want you have to like but do you know what I mean

is he anxious or he's just like he'll be like I don't know like he'll just kind of like look to my mom to like lead this sort of thing part of it is like he was newly diagnosed with diabetes and blah blah blah so she knows all the rules of things but part of it is just like a thing

where you're with someone for a long time I think where you're like, where that's where I'm like, no, like you gotta know what you want. Like, what do you want? Do you know what I mean?

Like, and there's a dad thing too, like where they're just kind of like, you know, like, like, I don't know. I think I have that.

I have a little bit that would tell where I'll be like, I can't decide this or this. Yeah. Which please. Yeah. Which? Please? Yeah. So how are you like your dad, though? Because I don't know.

My dad's very, he's very sweet. I'm not as sweet as him. That's interesting. We were sharing negative characteristics and you chose a positive characteristic. No, he's very sweet. He's very loving and sweet. And I feel like we're very different in terms of personality, comedy-wise. We don't find the same things, any of that kind of stuff.

But I think he's a very sweet, kind person who just really loves. I think comedy is more generational than it is hereditary. Does he like Naked Gun? No, not really. He hates my comedy. But like goofy. Goofy shit. He loves.

I think that was made for them. That generation. That was the ultimate boomer humor. A pedophile joke, he's just like, that's not funny and I'm like shut the fuck up shut the fuck up

I used to watch Louis with my dad Louis CK oh yeah stand up specials and I remember he not liking the one about like

shoving the chicken dinner up his daughter's ass like talking shit about his daughter he goes I don't like that you know like

he'll say stuff like that yeah yeah yeah that happened quite a bit my stepfather though who's very like strict and buttoned up the two times he laughed the hardest first we talked about uh borat where they're naked and rolling around i've never seen this man laugh that hard but then we watched i put on anthony jeselnik and he he fucking loved the dark dark really and he's, he grew up like a religious altar boy, lawyer, very buttoned up.

And he, he, he laughs. So he just could not help himself. Just that like, cause it's also, I think Jessalyn, like specifically as somebody who kind of like removes themselves from reality.

Like he even says himself, I have six wives. I lose six wives during out my step. You know what I mean? It's all just jokes so you can attach that you're not saying this is my daughter

and here's a fucked up thing about her my dad sees it though he's just like that's not funny that's interesting I did a prank on my mom when I was there

and I saw him get upset I did the class it was say I hate happiness but take out the H's you try it I ate happiness oh did you do it again i ate a penis yeah yeah okay so this is

i did it my sister got mad we laughed i did it to my mom and she just kept yelling it and saying what's i don't understand i ate a penis i ate a penis and my aunt comes in and she's like what and she goes say i hate happening about the H's and now they're both saying it to each other me and my sisters are laughing and my dad is sitting there like this

going mm-mm and he goes and I remember he looked at me and he like he looked at me with intent and he goes

that's your mother that's what he said that's your mother and I saw him get truly like he wanted to send a message to me that's your mother

don't do that and I'm 33 at the time like yeah we're fucking around you know I'm now at the age And I saw him get truly like he wanted to send a message to me. That's your mother. Don't do that. I'm 33 at the time. Like, yeah, we're fucking around, you know. I'm now at the age where I can say shit in front of my parents. Like, actually the word. Like, oh, I'm sick of this shit. It took this long?

Yeah, I still get weird when I say it. Really? I said fuck when I was on my phone with mom. I was like, this fucking guy. I'm sorry, mom. And she goes, no, it's okay. And I'm like, I know. I'm sorry.

That's so funny. I am the opposite. My dad was a cursor a cursor oh he was on the phone cursing my parents do i curse and they do not curse really my mom will sometimes my dad will if he's really angry but not like they're not natural cursors and like it is a thing when you become an adult where you're like i used to curb it a lot more and i don't as much anymore but But sometimes you're still like, I'm screaming the F word in front of my parents. And they were like, they, you know, they, they, they, they're fine.

They don't say anything, but like, I can tell that they're like, like, you know. For me, like cursing is, if I don't curse in front of someone, we're not close. Like it's, that's how I, that's truly how I speak. My dad cursed, said fuck all the time when i was a little kid and then my stepfather was the only one who would be like it's a little bit pardon the french bullshit and i i was like i was like shut the fuck up it's funny though

because i remember specific times when i did hear my parents curse it was like earth rattling i remember the first time i heard my dad say fuck and the first time i heard my mom say fuck i know both stories wow first one for my mom was when i kept saying fudge i stubbed my toe on the stairs and i kept saying fudge and she goes stop saying that and i go why it's not a curse word she goes because it sounds like fuck and i remember going and i never said fudge again when i stubbed my toe it freaked me out watching my mom, my sweet blonde mom, just be like, fuck. And my dad was at the end of American Beauty. Sorry to spoil it, but when he got his head shot, my dad just goes, fuck, sorry.

And I remember he leaned forward and said, fuck. I darted my eyes at him and he goes, sorry, like that. And I continued to watch the movie about kevin spacey the only thing i envy about people who who save it is that they can have that moment that they can express something unique like there's no word i can say yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i could only like quote your grandpa and it has it has a real has a real impact it has a real something yeah i do miss that. It means something, yeah. In my notes for crowd work, it always says,

and I never respect it, stop cursing. Because whenever I do crowd work, I'm like, you know, it's those moments you're scared, there's no laugh coming, and you're just like, let me add a little juice. You look back at it and you go, ugh. Now it just looks like how I talk is where I use it as a constant adjective. I just did that. I posted a video today and I go through and bleep them subtly.

I bleeped like four in a 30 second video and I'm like, ugh. That's too much. Listen. That is too much. There's some videos, that's all I say. Really? But it's authentic to me.

I do think cursing to me is who I am. Yeah. Like, I think that is how I speak. So, you know, Seinfeld was always like, well, if it works without the curse word, then it's a better joke. I'm like, shut the fuck up, Seinfeld. Shut the fuck up while you're dating your 17 year old. Okay. Listen, you're going to critique my, the way I speak.

We all speak the way that we start and grow up with with parents on the upper east side of new york city oh yeah you hear that terry we're coming for you i make love to my 17 year old wife i don't fuck her um uh all right let's go on to our next segment. I can always feel. Well, what do you mean? It was the right amount of time. It's the way you say yes. It was the right amount of time.

It's the way you say yes. Okay, okay. Do it. Say we're going to go on to the next segment, and I'll tell you. Okay, we're going to go on to the next segment. Yes. This has got to stop.

This has got to stop. This has got to stop. Jeff, this has got to stop for us. Sure, I'll give you... I wrote a couple down. When people speak for their dogs and babies, when people go like, oh, he's saying that he really wants

dinner right now. And you're like, oh, is he? Or is he just going in his brain? Like, you know, you're not having, I don't like when people do that. It just pisses me off. Food fucking, food fucking.

Yeah. Yeah. That's the baby. Yeah. No, my, my mom's ex did this a lot. And it like, whenever the dog came to the table, it was like, I would use a different dog's name. Ringer is my old dog. Ringer wants some of that steak.

Ringer's going, why don't I get some steak? And I'm like, I'm going nuts. Ringer's like, I'd like some steak, please. I'd never get steak. You're like a whole scene, a whole story. And you're like, that dog just smells food and wants to fucking eat it. That's it. You know?

Yeah. And I think it's something i think the part that bothered me it was said in a way that i was supposed to go to be like oh you're like oh for me uh uh like that kind of light humor where it feels like i have to do something i have to respond in some way because i'm not a laugher it makes me it fills me with a rage i feel uncomfortable because i feel like you're literally asking me to make noise for you. Yeah. And like, oh, you want me to talk to you as the dog right now? Yeah. Like, that's, oh, I

hate that. My sister does that sometimes. She'd be like, yeah, like, I want to go outside right now. I just want to go outside. And I'm like, and I'll do a voice for that dog, same dog later, and I'll make it like, I want to go outside. Like, I'll make it a horrifying voice to be like, no, that's what she's saying. That's the voice I picture.

Sorry that it's not as cute as yours. But I think her vocal cords are fried from working at a diner and smoking cigarettes. All right. I think it would be fun to ascribe the dog stuff like, oh, look at Ringer. He's like, you took my balls. You took my goddamn balls, you motherfuckers.

Fuck you. Yeah. I'd like that. Yeah. You got another got another one sure i love when people have yeah um oh when people shorten already shorten phrases to like one of my biggest pet peeves is pot meat kettle like why yeah why are you just saying the whole thing if you're gonna do to do this euphemism, whatever the fuck it's called. I don't know. What is it called? Something with an E? No, that isn't it. Pot me kettle.

Wife pleaser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pot me kettle. I hate that. It's a saying. I couldn't think of another one. But I remember I have pot me kettle written down. Two birds, one stone?

People do that. Yeah. Or they'll just say two birds. Two birds. Two birds. Fuck off. Two birds. Two birds. It's like, I hate pot meat kettle.

Two birds, I don't mind because at least they're together. Pot. Pot meat kettle. Pot meat kettle is taking verbs out. Two birds is just the noun. Sounds like a shitty game site. Glass houses. You know.

Glass houses. Glass houses. Yeah. Don't throw rocks. Yeah. Yeah like a shitty game. Glass houses. You know. Glass houses. Glass houses. Yeah. I like abbreviating the wrong parts. Call them black. Call them black. Oh no.

All those terms, like calling the kettle black or, or the one with, with the, you know, with cards, you have hearts, then you have spades. I feel like that's like a slur to use,

to use that sometimes anything involving the color black. I said it once in this podcast where, where someone, there was, I was in a school assembly. Some Latin teacher was quoting something about like, I will not have my soul become black with the sins of my father.

And a black teacher stood up and said, my soul is black and I am proud. Oh God. And so in general, any terms where the term black means something negative, I steer clear. Really? Yeah. Even like, what about black hole?

Well, I don't think that's a negative. It can be. When you can just be like, oh, it's like a black hole? I don't think that's a negative. It can be. When you can just be like, oh, it's like a black hole of information is never a good thing. Sure, sure. You know, but there is a lot of it. But I'm saying like, it is so deep. And I don't even know if it was, if those originations were not racial at all. Yeah.

But what are you going to do? I think it's also religious too. Am I wrong about that? Like, the black goat isn't Satan. Like, a black goat is evil. But is it religious because of a weird... You know what I mean? Like, is it still weirdly racist?

Mm-hmm. You know? But, you know... Yeah. Interesting. But there's no white magic. Well, there is white magic. Pretty much, I think a lot of magic is white magic.

Like, where it's a lot of, like... A lot of magicians are white. Yeah. That's true. There are, actually. That is for magic. Pretty much, I think a lot of magic is white magic. A lot of magicians are white. Yeah. It's true. There are, actually. It is for sure. Yeah. Huh.

It's a very white thing. Matt Richards is a black magician. That's right. I should have him and ask him about black magic. Do you have a list? I've got to stop. I can't remember if I've done this one or not I'll look at my list but

Did I do the if you know you know Thing on here I hate that phrase I hate it I hate it on Instagram people use It if you know you know it's So weirdly like it's Not fun it doesn't bring me into Whatever you're sharing does the opposite excludes

Me and also it doesn't Ever me into whatever you're sharing does the opposite excludes me and also it doesn't ever look that fun or interesting or cool so i'm like cool good inside joke you piece of shit like it just feels like a weird thing of like you want to share this with us uh your whatever the group you're sharing it with then just send it to them i don't know don't it like it's just a shitty phrase that is exclusionary it's a cool kid thing yeah it's a cool kid thing it's like a faux cool kid thing yeah that feels very high school-y but it's on social media and it's like adults who have jobs sharing it like if you're now you're now like i don't know and we don't care no one cares no one sees that and is like who doesn't know and

they want to know and the people that see it are like, I do know that. And like, it doesn't add anything to it. Yeah. I understand. But it feels like they're, they're, they wouldn't, they're too,

they're self-conscious about sharing it without including that. Yes. They have to share it being like, this is a qualifier. It's an inside joke, but if you're confident, get some fucking courage and confidence and just share it. And without saying,

if you know, you know, fuck off. I saw somebody do that. They posted a picture of somebody that they were hanging out with at a wedding. And they posted a picture of them sitting down and said, if you know, you know. And I'm like, what? That you're also getting married?

What is the secret here, dude? I hate that. And also, people are misusing POV all the time now. Yes. All the time. All the time. Like POV, you're walking to the bank and then it's a selfie of them. You're like, that's not POV. POV would be from your point time now. Yes. All the time. All the time. Like POV, you're walking to the bank and then it's a selfie of them.

You're like, that's not POV. POV would be from your point of view. Yeah. Who am I? Yeah. Who am I?

The guy standing in front of you walking backwards? My, this has got to stop. I hope this isn't obnoxious, but after shows, people want pictures sometimes. Yeah.

And sometimes an audience member will offer to take the picture. Sometimes security will help. Sometimes a staff person. But I hate when they – oh, Grouse's camera died. That's okay. I hate when they take a picture and then they go, no, let me check it real quick. Okay, we can do it again.

And I'm like, you're just just just move on oh wow i'm the opposite i'm like let me see it for you no not for me but sometimes i'm like in the first like few pictures like the first five i sometimes like look because they'll be like hey take pictures against this wall and it's like downward lighting and all you see is just like all your flaws and you want to see i'm like let's just go yeah you see is just all your flaws. And you want to – see, I'm like, let's just go. Yeah. This picture is for them. They're never going to look at it again.

Yeah. Well, I want people to – I say tag and share it. I always do that. Yeah, but then what your story is littered every show with 20 pictures. Who is that fun for? I mean, it's more marketing. Yeah, but I do think sometimes i'll share a cut one or two but i think if if a instagram story i mean listen you're beating me on instagram so they'll

take it with a take it with a grain of salt you're saying if you see the perforated edge on the top uh-huh i i just think sometimes i'm like oh i'm not gonna keep watching i'm not gonna keep going i'm gonna go okay swipe to the next person because Because how many pictures am I going to see of you at the show? But I don't know. There's just sometimes where like, especially the phone thing is, the ways people take out their phone and they don't know how a phone works anymore. Yeah. And there's just comes a point where I go like, just, just take it.

Yeah. Whatever. Do you know what to help you? I also have, you have to understand, I have a lot of people asking to take pictures with me yeah and that might be the difference no i mean okay i know you're joking i know you're joking fucking crazy can i get a can i get anything but then now i just fall back because what i'm saying next is like i was saying you know what i do is i pay a staff

member 25 bucks to take all the pictures. You do an advance. I always tip after I give them after I say, can you help me? Or sometimes I've done it before where I'm like, Hey, can I get a sky grab one server that's willing to take some pictures. And then whoever volunteers, I give them money.

I never say like, I'll give you 20 bucks. Whoever wants it, you know? Yeah. And then I give them 25 bucks up to sometimes 50 if the line is long. And I say like, and it's one person taking all of it.

And it's just so much faster as opposed to like, who's got like, it's one person taking all of it and it's just so much faster as opposed to like who's got like who's can you do it for can you do it you know are you tipping the tech person yet oh i i listen i don't do it i don't do it but i remember i remember uh opening for tom cotter at west nike and tom cotter yeah second place marcus got just boom boom and he was and he was wearing a suit, and he was just like, here you go. Here you go. Here you go. And I was like, I'm like, I got to do that. Yeah.

I over-tip now like crazy on these shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's like a door deal show where it is all coming to me or whatever, I give a lot back. Because I feel like the staff knows, too, that you're doing better than a guaranteed weekend or whatever. So I feel like I over tip on that. We all should compare notes because I feel like sometimes they just don't even know. How much do you tip at the seller? You know, like that's a question I started asking people. And I got pissed one time because I just grabbed the tab for like a group.

And I was like, just give me, you know, just throw me cash. And one guy, he tipped on two meals. He tipped $2 on two full meals that he got and i go you gotta do more than that what are you tipping it depends but for the most part like uh let's say if it's like the 12 bucks i'll give them 20 you know i'm tipping close to like 50 i think most of the time i go to whatever the original price that's generous is it that's generous whatever the original price is you tip because to that. Oh, I definitely dip over. I definitely do that, and I tip off that.

Probably 25% to 30% is what I'm doing off that original price. That's great, yeah. But someone told me I double. They just double it. They pay. They double. If it gets half, they just pay double. And I'm like, for me, if I'm operating at a complete zero for that night, that's rough.

It is because there are some nights. That is my job. Yeah, there are some nights. That is my job that I'm trying to make a living off of. But then you know you have some nights where you have five shows on a weekend. Of course. And you're like, okay, now it's coming back to me a little bit more. Yeah.

And that's never really the life, the success of a comic is never really like relying on seller spot pay, even though it is good pay. Sure, sure, sure. But you're not surviving in the city on that, you know? You shouldn't be, at least. Let's go on to our final segment. How much do you tip? I want you to go. Oh, okay.

No, I was ready. Whenever you want to go, John Marco. You better count your blessing. You better count your blessing. Rem count your blessing Remind me before we finish We have one more little Patreon thing Okay You got a blessing for us? Yeah, just like something I'm thankful for kind of thing?

Yeah, why don't we go first? We got a blessing I got a real quick one I've met lately some very sweet Both Debbie Downsiders Who have been coming to Titanic to see the show, which is really nice. What is that, Titanic? It's an off-Broadway show that I'm in right now.

That's amazing. All right, let's just practice for a second. Say it in a way that makes him want to see it. In one sentence. You don't have to make a big shot of it, but you made it sound like no one should ever go out of their way to see it. Well, I do believe you were being humble to get to your real point. I respect that. I was being quick to get

to the real point. But it's a show. It's off Broadway. It's doing really well. It just won some Lortel Awards, Best Musical. Can you explain the title to me? It's a parody of Titanic. It's all Celine Dion music. It's very dumb, very camp very campy very poster it says

a gay parody of titan parody really parody yeah is anybody the word gay though no it doesn't no it's just un parody well i mean if you read the title in the description i feel like you'll figure out you read the description it's very gay very campy, very fun. But it's been running for a year now. I've been with it since November. But it's doing well, and it's a lot of fun. And it's eight shows a week, the Joe Roth Theater. Do you learn about the power of Lerv? Yes, you do.

And they've talked about it too long. OK, well, this is the issue. So also, so anyways, some lovely Debbie Downsiders have come to the show, which is really nice. Reached out and told me. And then also people that like Titanic have been supportive. And anyways, I had my JFL thing this week and a Debbie Downsider came and a Titanic fan came to this small JFL like thing. And it was very, very sweetFL like thing. And it was,

it was very, very sweet and very unexpected. And, uh, it was very nice. You had a callback for JFL characters. This is coming out in a few weeks. So I should say now,

I'm sorry you didn't get it this year, but it's hard to get it your first year. Yeah. Um, uh, that's really cool. Yeah. It was nice.

Yeah. So thank you for coming. Both of you. Um, uh, my blessing uh douglas goodheart filled in uh twice recently uh you you've been busy partly because jfl callback and then douglas he like he he said we should get lunch and i like had that that immediate horrible character i'm like oh oh, no, I want to. I just got... And he was like, I don't want to be stressful. It's just a fun thing.

We get lunch, you go work. And he like talked me down from my anxiety and I was so glad. It was so nice. We had such a good time. And it was just, it wasn't that I didn't want to get lunch or that we weren't going to get lunch,

but he like added the thing of like, it's a totally chill thing. We'll just go. You can go right after. And it felt like, Oh good. It's like in your head where I'm like, we go to lunch. Then, then I guess the day's over. Yeah. It's like, no, you can just go to lunch. Just go to lunch. And, uh, he's very emotionally intelligent and, uh, I'm so glad he gets to, to fill in. He's great. That's awesome. Do you have a blessing? Sure. I might have a couple. If you don't mind.

I'll start with my sister. My oldest sister. She looks at every video before I post it. I send it to her first. And she gives me a thumbs up, thumbs down. And she'll tell me like, hey, this part, you might want to cut this. Or I'll send her an extended version. Damn.

She'll be like, hey, you should keep this in. And I'll like that's stupid she goes that's my favorite part and that's the part that people will comment the most about because she doesn't watch any other stand-up i get a full view of like what she would think is good so i sent her every single video to the point now where i was thinking i was talking about friends of mine like i think i'm gonna put her on salary because now i feel bad because i send her every single video i i have a friend similar situation i more run jokes i just say jokes to them and listen to their response and feedback. I can never do that.

Yeah, I know. It's from my theater day. I think it's just because of theater that I'm like used to like saying things out loud. But like it got to a point where I was like, I need to start paying her. Yeah. Yeah.

And I feel bad. I keep sending her gifts. Like I've sent her like a little Lego office thing. I thought you meant like gifts, like gifs. Yeah. I keep sending her like a thumbs up. thing. Gifts like Jif's. Yeah. I was like, just the mask. Like a thumbs up. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah. Appreciate you. Um, and then just like a couple of internet friends. Um,

like this guy, Joel, who made my, he made my subreddit. He made my discord. He mod moderates them, moderates Twitch, moderates all this stuff for free.

And then once again, I think somebody I should put on a cell. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Subreddit's tricky. We had someone reach out, Debbie Downsider. They wrote me. They said, Hey, I was salary at some point subreddit's tricky we had someone reach out debbie downside they wrote me they said hey i was gonna start a subreddit for

the podcast but i'm moving i'm really busy so if you want to do it i have the name you already started it and i and i was like i think i think reddit is is supposed to be, if you're the overseer of it, A, you're going to drive yourself crazy. And I think part of its appeal is it's organic, separate from you. Yeah, we should not be running that. But I post my clips to it. That's all I do. He's the one that puts the flares, deletes the mod stuff. Like if somebody is spamming or sweet, something racist or some shit,

he'll like delete it and flag it and all that stuff. Yeah. And a lot of racist. No, no people just, but you'll see like some guy will randomly post, like just say some real fucked up things to me. And I'd be like,

to the point where it's not just like delete the main ones. It was more like, I don't think anybody should have to read what this guy just said. Um, but then, uh, uh, the opposite happened to me where I had a guy i couldn't find

my website name i was stupid and i waited to make my website and i was like oh shit it's taken and then somebody wants the purchase price is like two thousand dollars for it now and it turns out a guy from the subreddit bought it and then he messaged me i didn't look at my messages but he messaged me saying hey i just bought this for you this is six months ago seven months ago i bought this for you and i'm hanging on to it and paying for it and if you want it like it's yours for free and then he gave it to me for free he sent it to me on namecheap yeah he just did it to be nice and i was like this whole time i thought somebody got ahead and bought it to like you know fuck with you get my get money but they usually like no here it is and just gave it to me i think he bought it for like eight bucks

you know at the same time but like eight bucks, here it is. And they just gave it to me. I think he bought it for like eight bucks at the same time. Eight bucks? That's crazy. He's been holding on to it, too. Just holding on to it, yeah. So I sent him a couple dick pictures, but that's it. I didn't have to pay him. Someone recently wrote me they want feet pics. Really? You just gotta watch the podcast.

It's so funny, because I'm just like... I thought you said you weren't close with your dad. Yeah. That's beautiful. So the thing we're doing with the Patreons right now, we're trying this. I don't know if you've been here. No.

Oh, no, you have missed both. So right now, in a second, people who are patrons, your name's going to appear on the screen. The more money you give, the bigger your font is. Join the Patreon, patreon.com slash downside. And to pass the time, first, do you know any street jokes? Do you know what a street joke is? Yeah, of course.

Do you have a street joke you want to tell? Shit, man. I wish I would have known this because I have so many that I love. If one comes to you, I'm going to tell one from this book. This is Jackie Martling, who I just saw. He was at Governor's. It was very cool to see him. I can't promise this is going to be good.

But here we go. He was at Governor's. It was very cool to see him. I can't promise this is going to be good, but here we go. As the patrons start now, a blonde smashes her car into the wall. A cop comes up and says, what happened? She says, I was driving down the road when a tree jumped out in front of me. I swerved to avoid it,

and there was another tree. I swerved to avoid it. There was another tree. I swerved to avoid it, and I hit the wall. The cop says, lady, there's no tree on this road for 10 miles. That was your fucking air freshener. Your fucking air freshener.

Oh. All right, I got one for you. Please. I love them. Guy buys a, or a woman buys a, I don't know who buys it. Buys a parrot at a store, a discounted parrot. And she goes, it know who buys it buys a parrot at a store discounted parrot and she goes it's cheaper because it used to work in a brothel so it has some bad words and things like that puts the parrot in the house and uh let's just say that the uncle bought it for the family

and daughter comes in from school and she goes the parrot goes new mistress new mistress and their mom's like oh no the mom comes comes in and goes, new madam, new madam. The son comes in, she goes, new John, new John. And then the father comes in and the parent goes, hey Dave. Because he was paying for hookers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And by the way, if you like that new Patreon thing, let me know.

If you hate it, I have other ideas. What I was going to do is just make you improvise a song. Oh my god. Like a little scat. And where can people find you, Jeff? Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, all that stuff.

Whatever your medium is. I'm probably most active with DMs and stuff on Instagram. Like reacting to people and telling you when I'm going to be in places and stuff. Send those pics to Instagram, ladies. Russell, what do you want to plug? At Russell J. Daniels

on Instagram and come see Titanic the Musical at the Daryl Roth Theater. It's a gay parody. I was about to say my name's Jomarco Cerezi. Find me everywhere

at Jomarco Cerezi. We're everywhere, at Jomarco Cerezi. We're pre-recording, so I'm not sure exactly when this is coming out. Yeah. But I got a big headlining show on September 25th at the Hollywood Improv. That's a Monday. And apparently a Jewish holiday. Every time I schedule on Jewish holiday, people write me, like, I can't fucking come to this. And so theater kids and children of divorce, I need you to come through strong, because the Jews will not

be there. We can talk some shit. London, still tickets available for November 4th, and if we get enough, we'll add November 5th. And we just added Milan, Italy, November 1st. Europe, help them sell,

and we'll add some more European dates, first time there. Help me out, because those plane tickets are thousands of dollars and I gotta bring Tova and you know, one day we're all gonna join our dad's dads I just got an email from my agent

and I did not get a part Oh This is the downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi.