The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #144 Kitty Litter Tears with Kyle Kinane

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

Kyle Kinane shares the downsides of watching euthanasia over zoom, our expired Bed Bath & Beyond, lesbian bed death and whether or not we’re the ones to be talking about it, and having a phone physically heavy with cat pictures.  You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Kyle Kinane on Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, & Facebook Watch Kyle's new special, Shocks & Struts See Kyle in a city near you Follow guest co-host, Douglas Goodhart on Instagram and TikTok Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram See Russell in Titanique in NYC! E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All that happened, the true part is, Douglas told me that I hadn't met this dog, and he was like, this dog's a problem. And then I called my friend, because we were going to stay with each other in New Hampshire for a week, and my friend was like, Douglas is full of shit. It's his fault, because he said full of shit. He said full of shit? He said Douglas is full of shit. My dog's great. Let me pick you up. The dog will be in a cage. The moment I get in this car, I mean, the cage almost breaks. This dog lunges for me so quickly. I mean, there's dogs that go, it's mean, and it's this big. And you're like, all right, this is a fun sparring partner.

It keeps the heart rate up during the day. But I know you're not supposed to be like, well, all pit bulls are just written. I've hung out with pit bulls that are sweethearts. Owners are not happy when you call them baby eaters to their face. Yeah. I'll do that when I'm petting them. I'm like, look at this little baby eater. And you're like, it's not.

That's such a stereotype. And I'm like, still like enjoy the dog. They don't all eat babies. Oh, you want a little baby meat. That's what you want, some baby meat. Is that like something that actually happened? What, that they ate a baby? Probably.

I'm sure a baby has been eaten by every animal. They're eating full-size people. They're attacking and consuming full-size people. I don't know, like the easiest target. You know, he wouldn't go for the... Truly. Well, speaking of, rest in peace to your cat. I know...

Oh, man. Are we up and running here? We're up and running. Okay, yeah. We're going to start it like that. This is the downside. Yes. Let's hit the music.

One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi Is your camera recording? It looks like it There's a red dot

This is Gianmarco Ceresi Welcome to The Downside A place where it's safe to complain, be negative You don't have to put on a happy face I'm here with my co-host You just heard sing the theme music Douglas Goodheart. That was me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're joined today by legendary stand-up comedian and the voice of Comedy Central for a long time as well. Really? Did you not know that? I did not know that. If you'll put it together, you'll see it. For a minute.

Yeah, for a minute. I'll tell you when to watch the 70th South Park episode of the day. Oh, wow. No, that makes perfect sense. Kyle Kinane, welcome to the Downside. Thanks for having me, fellas. This our first time meeting? Yeah, it really is. This is like the most New York apartment I could be in. This is cool. I never get to New York City. Really? Were you ever in the New York scene heavily or no?

No, never at all. Where did you start out? This is the longest time I've spent in the the new york scene like heavily or no no never at all where did you start out this is the longest time i've spent in the city i'm here for a week i started i started in chicago then moved to la and i live in oregon oh wow but shane torres who you do a podcast with who where did you meet him you guys are close i knew him from just where did i think going to portland and doing gigs and doing Bridgetown and just became friends with those guys. And then just, you know, like nobody's ever in one place doing stand-ups. Like, oh, we're in Denver at a festival. Oh, I'm going to be in New York for a weekend.

You're in L.A. for a weekend. So your friends are all over the world. I'm trying to. I've been pretty heavily on the road for, I don't know, coming up on two years now. Yeah. And it's like figuring out socially. Too adorable.

I mean, like doing it, doing it, and trying to figure out socially what my life is so I don't go to... I had one, like two long stints, and I felt some kind of depression on one of these transfers into Edmonton, Canada that was so deep. And I was like, I depression on one of these transfers into Edmonton, Canada that was so deep. And I was like, I'm so alone.

Yeah. And I'm figuring out how to maintain a social sanity. That's funny because I'm on the opposite side where it's unless I'm at home, I can do like a Hampton Inn for three days. It's perfect. Yeah. Coffee machine, Showtime on the TV. Yeah. But now like here for a week, I don't know how to socialize this much.

Come to the salon. I don't know. Oh, you're tired of it. Yeah, I found out. I always thought introvert meant you don't like people, and that's not the case. I just get exhausted with socializing. That's what they say.

You're an extrovert. I am an extrovert. I'm an introvert. But that doesn't mean you don't like people. And like, that's not the case. I just get exhausted with social. Like that's what they say. You're an extrovert. I am an extrovert, but, but, but that doesn't mean you don't get tired at the end of the day from like trying to think, okay, this person's this,

I'm going to ask them about this, you know, like trying to keep a conversation going. That takes energy. What it means. Yeah. What it means is I lay in bed till one 30 here in New York going, there's so many people out there and i gotta bob and weave

and i always like i got like little guy syndrome like i always think people are walking right at me on the sidewalk some of them why am i the one who has to move some of them are why am i always moving i'm like i'm on the bridge and i'm like in the walk lane and the bikes are getting real close yeah yeah yeah the walk lane i'm like this is the walk lane that's the bike lane. I'm like, this is the walk lane. That's the bike lane. Truly. Jerks. Someone bumps into you. Are you going, hey, what the fuck? No, I'm just like, well, I'll get close. I'll buzz them.

And then I'm like, they're going, these electric bikes are pretty fast. I don't want to get in one of those. But Chicago's a tough city, right? You're tough. I'm not. I'm a big old puss. Yeah, huge puss.

No, I started comedy there, but I lived in the suburbs when I lived there too. So the closest I got to living in a city was Los Angeles, which is a large suburb. So I got to be angry. I got to be real tough in my car. Truly. When you lived near Chicago, how often do you go into Chicago as a kid? Oh, I was going, as soon as I got my license, I was going to see bands. And then once I started doing comedy, you know yeah as many times a night as i could i mean it was a commutable like i took the train i went to school there and everything i was just one of those guys

like well i could spend all the money and then some just to like have five roommates i could just stay at home and you know just food in in the fridge. My parents take it along with them. So I was always that guy. I had places to stay if I wanted to crash on a couch or something. I did the same. I lived in Long Island. So after college, I was like, I'm going to stay in Long Island, commute to the city. Easy. I always had a few bucks. Did your parents drive you crazy? Yes. But like, whatever. You know, you leave the house and it's fine.

Sure. Yeah. I mean, they're fucking crazy, but whatever. They're crazy, but you'd be like, yeah, they like whatever. You know, you leave the house and it's fine. Sure. Yeah, I mean, they're fucking crazy, but whatever. They're crazy, but you'd be like, yeah, they're nuts. Yeah, exactly. You'd have a little more money. A little more money in your pocket. Are they $200 worth of crazy? Do I want to?

Truly, truly. Well, your dad worked on airplanes. His dad flew airplanes. My father was a pilot. Pilot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did he do on airplanes? How far back are we going? was a pilot. Pilot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did he do on airplanes? How far back are we going?

We're going 80s? We're going all the airlines that went out of business? He just retired. No, he flew privately for Warner Brothers for like 25 years. Oh, fancy. And so he has like, I mean, he met Pele. Like he's, he met, who's Pele? Pele's like the most famous soccer player of all time.

It is funny. Like I'm like Warner Brothers, Pilot to the Stars, and Pele was your first show. Didn't he just die? Yeah, he just died. Well, I mean, he also met, like he flew Macaulay Culkin. Like the kid came on alone and watched Home Alone in the

back of the... He watched his own movie. He watched Home Alone on a plane alone? On a plane alone. Not so bad on the road now, huh? Not so alone on the road. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a depth of despair. He's met a lot of... Macaulay Culkin had to watch himself in a movie

about being alone while he was alone, just so he could see his parents. Yeah, I mean, 25 years, he was like good friends with Quincy Jones. Quincy Jones would only fly with him for a while. We used to get like a signed... Every one of his new albums, we'd get like a signed thing.

It's a funny gig. To have the kind of money where you're like, who's flying me today? No, get the other guy. get the other guy. This guy,

he's a little rough on takeoffs. I want Rick. I do think though, if you're flying, you know, I've been in Ubers where I'm like, this driver seems a little nutty.

Yeah. But if I got in a plane, I'd be like, I don't want to get on this plane I don't this is a little too much character for the person who's flying me through the sky he hates Madonna because he flew Madonna she made him

wait or something like she was like and then she was like can we get this going and then that day he flew to New York and that day she went on Rosie O'Donnell or something and she was like the flight over here was awful and she day she went on Rosie O'Donnell or something. And she was like, the flight over here was awful. And she like, well,

she was talking about the turbulence and whatever. And he took it so personally. My father's a real, I mean, he's real. I mean, air rage is a whole thing. Like road rage.

Like there's other drivers, but like, you think I created turbulence? You think I called up God and said, let's have some pressure differences true madonna you bitch like getting so pissed about it that's the funniest thing probably everyone assumes it's the pilot and he's like oh you know what the quick rush would have been crashing the goddamn plane madonna doing the thing you're doing fine you fly it and just walks out of the cockpit yeah yeah exactly but wait your dad worked on

he was a mechanic yeah oh wow he was for eastern and twa wow and then uh united at the end he still works he still like does something with i'm not even sure what it is but he's not fixing him anymore yeah i think that's how my father in vietnam he was like a mechanic and he used to work on the helicopters and then he started flying them and yeah, same thing. I think he was in the Philippines. Oh, wow. Be like working on all the planes that would go over there. It's amazing.

My dad avoided the draft by like five days and I think about what kind of man I would be had he gone. You'd be the same. No, I think I'd be a different man. Really? No, I don't think my dad, I don't know.

He would be a different man. He would be a very different man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He talks about that every time. Like five days before he was going to be drafted, they ended the draft. Oh my God. Really?

Is he like, what's his disposition because of it? Oh, his older brother went and like just came back alcoholic, slept all day long. So he just hates it. He would always tell me as a kid, he'd be like, son, he pretended we were more Italian than we were. And he'd say, son, we'll be able to get you,

if there's a draft, we'll get you Italian citizenship right away. He was training me to abandon my country immediately. Immediately. Zero patriotism in my house. We've got a one-way ticket to canada yeah yeah that's always been my dad he's always been walk away run away from a fight wow always told me and it's it's good for self-preservation i don't know if it's good for for integrity he taught you to run away from a fight he said that we had a family member, and again, could all be lies. Sure. Could all be lies.

He said there was a family member that got in a bar fight. He punched this guy. He fell, and he hit a bottle and died. Yeah. And so all my life I've been avoiding fights out of fear that I might kill them with a single punch. We have such repressed strength in our family. I like how they say history's written by the winners, but it's also written by the cowards that just got to watch things unfold.

History's written by the survivors. Survivor, that encompasses a lot of different people. It's a lot of groups. Like those reporters that you see like World War II footage, and they're like filming it from the sidelines. There's like sid sidelines or there used to be like sidelines reporters in like reporting on the civil war reporters yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like yeah how was vietnam i

read it about it in the papers when i was in guatemala the whole time i read about it intense were those reporters off limits like i feel like that was back when wars had like they would say press like they would have like yeah i'd say which i remember that thing at least with the with the revolutionary war it was like the brits uh at least in the movies they were shocked because the americans would like shoot them randomly in the woods and they were like marching like this they're like we haven't gone to the battlefield yet oh yeah what are you talking about it's weird if like because then you extrapolate that idea like oh well, well, drone strikes are unethical.

But like, well, it's all unethical. It was unethical. Camouflage is unethical in that sense because it's war. Like the red coats stood in line. There's honor to this. And the Revolutionary Soldiers are like, fuck that.

We're hiding behind a tree. And like, you guys are lined up like targets. You're bad at this. You should change your method. Bright red. Bright red. Yeah, because there was honor to it. And then it's like, we're bad at this you should change your red yeah because there was honor to it and then it's like we're killing each other where's the honor and so you

go further and further like well drone strikes aren't good because the person isn't even there i'm like that's kind of just the best camouflage is if the guy's not even there like how for like space lasers that's we started it by hiding in the trees we started it in the revolutionary war now we got space lasers you're fucked sorry guys uh um you were you were in a band i was what was it called the grand marquise the grand marquise how long did it last three or four years it was uh was a good time my buddy who lives here i was hanging out with him last night. It was like you do things with your friends in high school

and we're going to be the best at this. Hell yeah. And you just all have blinders on. You think you're great. Yeah. And then it was like, oh, the band didn't come together. I'm like, well, I'm a musician, so I'll just join another band. And then you get in a band and you're like,

oh, I haven't been good at this ever. I've never been good at music. What did you play? Guitar. Hell yeah. But you start playing with somebody, I was like, all right, this one's in D.

I'm like, what? What's D? You've got to tell me. We would have to like stand behind each other like when you're tying a tie for somebody else, like, no, put your hand here. It goes, then it goes up here. But I gotta be honest,

that's what, I mean, did you watch the Beatles documentary? I did not. I did not. There's moments where one of them plays a chord and someone else goes, wait, how do you play that? And they're doing that exact same thing. That's musicians all over. You're right.

We were just like the Beatles. You guys were just like the Beatles. Probably as good as the Beatles. The Grand Marquis are just like the Beatles. Wait, punk? Yeah, yeah. Had the name spelled wrong and everything. Oh, punk? Yeah, yeah. Had the name spelled wrong and everything. Oh, really?

So, yeah. We couldn't know. We both drove Grand Marquis. Our parents had these big boat cars called Grand Marquis. That's a cool name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we didn't know how to pluralize it because it's French. Oh, yeah.

Grand Marquis. Grand Marquis, yeah. And so we're like, we're the Grand Marquis. And people are like, you're the Grand Marquis. Like, no, it's plural. The Grand Marquises? I'm like, no not just all right and then we never made we're not going anywhere so you don't need to learn this at all don't worry about it we never made merch because we couldn't agree on how to spell it i think that was the best part like what was your merch he had a band yeah i had a band douglas and the good hearts douglas and the good hearts that's a good name

it was fun although i have so i have like maybe a thousand douglas and the Good Hearts. That's a good name. It was fun, although I have maybe a thousand Douglas and the Good Hearts shirts under my bed. I think I gave a bunch away. Merch was a bad idea. This is graphic. We weren't ready. Do you ever need a cum towel and you go, fuck it?

No. What a double cum towel. Blasted into your own logo. In my own face. It's a picture of me too. You pull it out just to jerk off to it at first. Then you're like, well, I might as well. It's $999 more.

I'm like, oh, the good old days. It's not bad. You just give them to homeless people. And then you've got a street team out there. Everybody's wearing your gear. You know, we went for the V-neck, which I think was a real mistake. It's a V-neck, dude. It's a V-neck.

How low of a V? I remember I had them all made. How low of a V? I had them made, and we were doing this big show at Brooklyn Bowl. In Brooklyn. Sorry. Brooklyn Bowl.

Not in Vegas. He's not from New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the guy was like, cool shirt. If that wasn't a V-neck, I'd totally buy it. That was the first thing that anybody ever said about the shirt. He was like, shirt if that wasn't a v-neck i'd totally buy it like that was the first thing that anybody ever said about the shirt he was like oh it's pretty cool if that wasn't a v-neck

i totally get it and he was so right he was so fucking right a v-neck what was i thinking i like v-necks because my father wore v-necks sure and it's been like it's one of those i think you are as italian as you think you are i don't think he's lying. That's what it is. And it's taken like Tova, my girlfriend, and my sister both being like, no. It had a moment. I was doing it. And I got a lot of, like you got good Italian chest hair, dark coverage. Mine's like real spindly. Yeah, mine too.

Like real wiry. Yeah. And it comes out and it looks like cat hair. And I'm like, oh, I can't do this. Because it's also, it's gray and it's like, I get some like four inch guys just curling around. All right, this doesn't work. I'm not going to just trim, like mock trim my neckline.

But v-necks could look, I think they look all right. I've never seen them as merch. Yeah. The three pack undershirts, because you're going for that kind of guy with a V-neck to me? There's no, like, night V-neck. You're not wearing a night V. But, like, a kind of see-through white shitty one? I like that guy.

Yeah. I'll send you the shirt. It's a very specific piece of clothing for a merch. Yeah, it is. It was really not a great idea. And, like, we weren't ready for it. We weren't ready for it. And I don't know why and you always have to start the merch before you're ready for it what price point did you order because the more you order the cheaper they are exactly so were

you like just get 5 000 of them oh i think we did end up getting just a thousand and this was a cool guy that's a big order yeah you don't think about it. I sell, sadly, cum towels. You do. You surely do. And I just got 500. And when those boxes came, when those four boxes came, I'm like, Jesus Christ. My girlfriend was like, we have a smaller apartment than this. And she was like, are you fucking serious?

Yeah. Are you fucking serious? What's on the cum? What's on the towel? It's a bit. Of course, it's a bit. It ends in moist or crunchy. And it's a long bit.

I've had it for too long. I sell them for $20, and they cost like $1 each to make at the end of the day when I order $500. I'm trying to think of new, classier merch or just give up and do t-shirts. Do you still want to do the bit? Are you beholden to the bit until you get rid of the merch? I'm tired of the bit. Yes, I am beholden to the bit. I will never make a piece of merch tied to a bit again.

Mark my words. Let alone a three and a half minute closer of a bit. Is it your closer? Well, what I learned is that if I did it too early towards the end, I would sell less merch. Wow. So occasionally I will do the full show.

Wow. But here's what happened. This is how long I've been selling this. Then I came up with a second bit about the merch that I could just close easily. Basically, I'm like, please buy the towel. I had an audience member came up. She was like, oh my God, I thought that was a joke.

So let me make something perfectly fucking clear. If we're going by income, I'm not a standup comedian. I'm a funny towel salesman. And you just got tricked into an hour long infomercial for my moisture crunchy towels. And when I came up with that,-long infomercial for my moisture-crunchy towels. And when I came up with that, then I could put it wherever in the show. But it's too much. Once you have a merch

bit that kills, it's time to get rid of the merch. I've heard stories, you see company meetings, they have three different pieces of merch they introduce throughout the show. What's the worst crime you've ever seen? It's always the saddest thing of like early on working with headliners

and they don't sell enough merch and they're just packing it back into the duffel bag, dragging it out to the rental car. And I remember like, and then that's who you're around when you're starting comedy, you're like, that's the goal for me? That's the ghost of Christmas future. Is to headline and get to the point where maybe. Yeah. The worst thought, there's so many times I go on the road

where I have a good first show and I have this thought, I go like, fuck, I didn't bring enough merch. Wow. And I have never not brought enough merch in my entire life. And I always know how little merch I sold when I have to weigh the bag on the way back from the airport. I was just going to ask, do you have to pay to check the bag?

So do you ever lose money selling merch because you had to check the bag? I don't have to sell much. Don't have to sell much. Two towels. That's 40 bucks. That's a bag. I'm just too lazy to bring it. I don't even bring... I got my travel kit down to like...

I'm out for two and a half weeks. Three pairs of pants I got. That is luxury. I can't believe I went... Is that crazy? I think that's too many pants. To own? For two and a half weeks on the road.

For two and a half weeks. Three pairs of pants? Is that too much? Are they all jeans? Two jeans and a third option. Okay. pants are they are they all jeans two jeans and a other a third option okay that's more or less like a jean no some like maroon kind of oh okay outdoors yeah which i got this is like how much of a city like a rube to the city i am like a very stylish black guy was like that's a good outfit.

And I was like, I'm never going to take this off. It's not this outfit. It's my daytime outfit. That literally happened to me today. This black girl was like, you look nice. Good outfit. I swear to God, I'm going to think about that for 30 years. Yeah, it goes a much longer way.

It really does. Do you think they both knew that? They saw you and they said, I'm going to make this guy's month. They're like, every once in a while I like to go out and just compliment a white person to make them feel good. It'd be funny if they wanted to fuck with you because if they saw something that was horrible, they could just be like,

damn, that looks good. Don't poison my moment with that. It felt so good though, right? Don't ruin. Don't ruin. No, no, no, no. Tell me about this. And was he stylish? I was wearing one of the V-necks. You were? Yeah.

I didn't want to tell you. I actually got them in several different colors. That could wind up at like a vintage store. I mean, every time I see a vintage store shirt, I'm like, originally this was nothing. It's not. This was nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been really getting into uh wearing i was a theater kid and i'd like some like high school theater limited run shows like little shop of horrors running these three dates i like that new thing that you're doing it's it's fun but my sister finds them for me on etsy she works in fashion and they sell them she's like do you want this and it's 200 for a little shop of horrors, which I'm sure they still have a thousand of in the warehouse of the school. Like they're, I don't know, but I like them.

No, I would like any kind of like business shirt. Like, okay, this is, if we're talking about merch, design is so important. I don't want to wear, like, joke stuff. I want it to look like something like this. This is just like an instrument cable company. I'm like, that's a pretty cool logo. I like that logo.

Yeah, cool. They gave me this shirt. I'm like, I'm going to wear that shirt. And it's always a bummer when, like, comics are like, hey, man, I want to give you my shirt. And then it's got, like, when like comics are like, Hey man, I want to give you my shirt. And then it's got like, like, like the penis bump or something.

I'm not going to wear it. Or like, I'm not as think as you drunk guy. Yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah. Like the Venice beach or wherever tourists kind of, I had this comedian come up to me though.

This is when I was hosting and he was featuring. And he said, trademark. That's where the money is, trademark. And he had trademarked Cougar Hunter. And he took me out. He bought me shots for the night. And he was like, I saw his apartment. I mean, it was a high rise, amazing. And he said, I made six figures.

And he like intimated, it was like 600,000 something. From Cougar Hunter? From Cougar Hunter. And I went home and I went through my little joke book and I was like, what's my shirt? What's my shirt? You should not- You should not worry that's taken.

Where's the beat that's out? I'm loving it. I'm loving it. No fear. Yeah. Some fear. Okay. That's actually funny.

Get the middle. You should not be allowed. Don't trademark. I'm calling trademark. I call trademark. You heard it here. Get the middle. You should not be allowed. Don't trademark. I'm calling trademark. I call trademark. You heard it here. You heard it. There should be a rule.

It's got to be four words. You cannot trademark a word or two words. I think you can. People do. I think you can, but I think that should be illegal. There was a gig back when novelty t-shirts were the thing. There was a guy who would just, I don't even know how the service you would call it, but you just wrote slogans for novelty t-shirts were the thing uh um that you there was a guy who would just i don't even know how the service you would call it but you just wrote slogans for novelty t-shirts and if one got

picked up for like by target or something you just get a check so when people a lot of my friends moved out to la they were just churning out pages of ideas and my one friend just did the i do my own stunts wrote that and then that shirt blew up's like, yep, that paid my rent for a year. Just a joke. One line joke. I mean, I would like to see what made it to the cutting room floor of all those. But the old school comics knew how to get by in a different way. There was not the internet.

There was no TikTok money coming in. No, Cougar Hunter was putting food on the table for the family. Well, that's a good question about what kind of jobs did you do in LA that were like... Oh, man. The first job I had, I've talked about it in stand-up. I sold gourmet cake decorations. How fancy are we talking here? Oh, like real ornate.

They look like real flowers and uh door-to-door salesman no no phone phone phone sales still pretty insulting still calling up like you need these very expensive cake decorations of course you don't of course you're much more the voice of Comedy Central than cake decorations. Yeah, that was all right. This isn't like decorate a cake voice. How did you, what was your pitch? How did you get them to not hang up immediately?

I didn't. I let them off the hook so fast. Do you need these? Of course not. My boss is looking at me. My boss is looking at me right now. You can hang up. Just pretend we're having a conversation for 30 more seconds so he thinks I'm trying were they edible i mean yeah yeah yeah yeah and then so i did that

and then for a hot minute i would try like this is like big textile area in downtown la so i like on my lunch break for 20 bucks a day i like zip out the door pick up like weird like the cheap like little silken gift bags that, you know, like a wedding, they'd put like a rock or some shit in for like, take this with you. So I'd go pick those up as fast as I could downtown, drop them off to another guy in Glendale, then go back to the cake decoration things.

And it was, the guy, the boss was an old actor. Like he was like in like Twilight Zones and stuff, original Twilight Zones. Wow. And so he was just doing this business. I'm like, why are you doing this? He's like, it's either this or the track. He's just this old guy. He's like, I've got to gamble on something.

May as well be a legit business. And the day I got hired, it was real funny. Because it was another actor that worked in the office. And then this guy's daughter worked in the office, and like somebody else, like a dude in the warehouse. It was very small. And I come out of my boss's office. He goes, this is Kyle.

He's going to start working here. I had to hire him. He's a homo. I'm like pretty hilarious like that's actually funny but they don't know that you're funny like that and I don't know you're funny like that and now I have to be like I'm not but it's cool

but guys he just gave me the Chevy Chase from from Caddyshack when he's like Vietnam couldn't go homo he does that move that's what he just did to me in front of my new co-workers from Caddyshack when he's like, Vietnam, nah, couldn't go. Homo. Yeah. He does that move. Oh, yeah.

That's what he just did to me in front of my new coworkers. I'm like, LA, baby. All right. And then I was, yeah, I was doing that. I worked at a music, like, instrument store and just warehouse stuff. I was never, like, service industry. I would have never made it. Did you like LA when you first moved there?

No, nobody likes LA when they first move there. Yeah? it did you like la when you first moved there like no nobody likes la when they first moved there yeah i still i mean that city gave me my career and so i will always defend it but like you're not gonna like it right away why la over new york at the time because i'm from chicago and i'm like if i'm gonna pursue a stupid dream and most likely fail i'm gonna do it around palm trees so you know that's really good advice. The palm trees are, I went to the University of Miami in Florida and truly, I don't know why I went, but it was because when I visited,

there were palm trees and it was beautiful. And in that one beautiful day, I said, yeah, this is the life. And I made a huge mistake. Gigantic mistake had been made in the name of palm trees. Well, we all went to art school, right? Yeah, yeah. I was just listening.

You were writing? My third attempt at college was a liberal arts college. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were the first two attempts? What happened? It was a community college, which was so fun. I was like, well, this is this much fun. I can't wait to go to regular college.

That's what they don't tell you about, community college. It's fun. It is, yeah. And then I didn't even make it a semester at state school. I just didn't do anything. Wait, so how long did you go to community college? I went for a year. And then you switched to state school because it was...

Because I was like, no, let's get in gear, baby. Sure. Let's get in the city. Yeah, hell yeah. You're going to go to college. Your band's going. Your band's going to be huge. The Grand Marquis, baby.

The Grand Marquis are going to pop off. Hell yeah. But we better make a good effort at college before we start touring. college your band's going your band's gonna be huge the grand marquees grand marquees are gonna pop off we better make a good effort at college before we start touring and then uh i think i drank myself out of there in like two months i didn't even make it to the end of the semester just drinking it just i mean not even like party like i was still going to shows and i just wasn't going to class i just couldn't i couldn't going to class. I just couldn't. I couldn't get my shit together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't get this.

I couldn't be on my, like, get up and go to class. And also, like, okay, now we're spending thousands and thousands of dollars, and my one class, this guy's 200 years old. It's overhead projectors, you know, and he's got it in the corner of the room whoops sorry everybody's like we can't see what you're teaching us he's he just smacks it so then it just goes in the other corner of this auditorium and i'm like this is thousands of dollars of education i can't pass this class the way it's being taught then i go to another class it's like some rudimentary geography thing and the woman's using a x i go to another class it's like some rudimentary

geography thing and the woman's using a xerox machine from like the 18 like the original printing press and it's like all right identify all these countries in eastern europe and it's like a map that's been copied like yeah transfer and it's like this big and like what everybody in the class like we can't we all failed this because what's the equipment we have and I'm like it was really hard for me to get enthused about higher education yeah totally I just think about how much of education was just

memorizing stuff that I then forgot a week later and I mean years of that and I've always had a shitty memory why was I doing this? Why was I, I don't remember any of it.

Do you think they're smart enough to be like, well, the grand, the big lesson is that in life sometimes you have

to do shitty things that make no sense. You know, like you're going to have to memorize things. You're going to have to, I mean, for me,

I had to learn like bar recipes to be a bartender. You know, like, so it's like, I had to learn like bar recipes to be a bartender, you know, like, so it's like I had to learn fucking, you know, the date of the Treaty of Versailles. And so now.

But why not start with teaching you the bar recipes? Because I'm 13. Well, you don't even know the Versailles shit. You might as well learn how to make a martini now. I mean, I think that was like the shop class equivalent in high school. Like, listen, nobody's going to be asking you about the Treaty of Versailles. Transmissions, I think that's your thing. You're going to learn how to put brakes on.

That was, yeah. Also, because I didn't have a focus, it's like, I guess you could be more enthused about school when you're like, you know what you want to be. And I had no idea. I was just going because I was a smart student in high school, and so you were expected to go to college, which I think is one of the most fucked up things in America. You go anywhere else, they take their gap year. You graduate your primary school, go around the world,

yeah, fuck off, Party, get laid. But also, look at, learn all these different cultures and go immerse yourself. And then you come back to a country that's going to offer you education for little to no cost. And you're going to go with a more informed idea about the world around you

to guide you into what you might want to be later. As opposed to like, hey, you know how you're just a fucking idiot beating off in the basement, trying to pass algebra? Well, that's over. And in three months, you're going to go into 25 grand worth of debt

immediately doing the same thing and having no clue. Yeah. I think it's a fuck system. I just think the gap here, I love the concept of it. I think of myself at that age and I don't think I would have done anything cool.

I think I would have stayed home. I think there'd have to be a push. There'd have to be a gap. There has to be in Europe, away from all this shit. But I would have loved that because I knew what I wanted to do. And I think that prevented me

from finding the thing I should have done, whether it be standup or something else. I was like, I'm a theater guy. And so I didn't have that moment of partying or I don't know. But I agree. I think a gap year would be nice. I mean, focus isn't bad.

So you went to school. You went right away. 18, you went down. 18, right away. And I was like, I'm going to practice every day. I didn't party. And now I'm like trying to.

You've always been a very focused person you're very focused I did musical theater school too in Boston but I did not focus you guys were like the horniest ones in high school as much as I wanted to do theater

in high school the theater kids I'm like I can't be around this this is weird this is weird energy truly somebody's always crying oh yeah somebody's crying everybody's fucked each other it's like a commune i'm like i don't it's it's basically like the beach yeah yeah like that movie like that's what leonardo cabrio yeah yeah that that commune like that's every time i saw theater kids like everybody's fucked each other somebody's jealous somebody's sad i'm like i can't i can't do this at my high

school the like black box theater had this thing this like closet that we called the office and it was a student-run office it was called the player's office and people used to just fucking turn the lights off and make it happen in there on school grounds in this course they did all the way all the way what base number four we're talking second base here i mean it was it was it was a our it was called the the ward revel players and it was. And it was like a club office. And somehow it was run by the students. And it was just like an off-limits. It was crazy.

Did you ever? Yeah, I hooked up with somebody in there. I can honestly say. All the way? Not all the way. Not all the way. I did not get laid in high school. What'd you do?

Mouths? Fingers? What was it? Mouths and some touching. Just petting. Petting. some touching. Just petting. Petting. Heavy petting. Under the bra or over the bra? I don't know. Over.

I remember the first time I really made out with this is just my own story. Are we supposed to talk about sad stuff? I'm sorry if I'm getting everybody off track. This will get a bummer real quick. I remember the first time I made out, I was probably like 15 or 16, and we made out at some party,

and at the end, she got up and she said, sometimes, after making out, I like when the guy sucks on my tits, but I also believe you should always want him leaving more, and then she walked away. And I was just sitting there just like, to me, this was the most mature statement a person had ever made in my time.

What clip of dialogue from a porn she overheard in another room and then like Marlene Dietrich, let me just mishmash them together for something sexy. That also reeks of like an older sister who doesn't really know what she's talking about either. So it's like, just say this afterwards.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just, I always remember, I remember where the second part, always leave them wanting more. Like it just like, yeah, it just really stuck with me. It really is a very theater kid thing to say. Well, she didn't say it, she sung it. She said, always leave them one and more

And then she tap danced out Well moving to LA when you're not sure Of theater kids It's gotta be like I knew I was going for stand up But you're surrounded Yeah but it's like Less theater kids and more just

Hopeful dipshits You know like it like it's it's i think it's much much more than here it's people like maybe i'll just be famous and so it made stand-up difficult because then stand-up is flooded by people that just think they need eyes on them and they're not respectful of stand-up was that was that always the i know like like recently, especially now, you know, actors doing a little standup to break in, but was it always that way? No, it was always this kind of, you know, manager would be like, well, you could always start doing standup. Just get up on, get eyes on you. Which I honestly, if you were going somewhere, like if you were moving there to start with theater or acting, like that seems so much harder.

Cause where do you go? Like, well, I got to get an agent. How do you get an agent? I wouldn't even know that path. I'm like, at least I know here's a list of open mics.

Here's a list of independently run shows. Here's the comedy clubs that showcase these things every night. There was like clear paths to getting on stage for standup. But there was less actors back then. I had an acting teacher who said, she said like back in the seventies or eighties, she was like, when I got back in town from vacation,

I'd call the casting directors up. Like I'm back in town. And they'd say, thanks, Jackie. We'll give you a call soon. And now that's unfathomable. That's unfathomable.

Do you think that was real? No, no, no, no, I swear. It was like seven. Like,

I think she was, I think she was probably like a respected actor, but she said that she would, she would let him know. And, and I think that was before there? No, no, no. I swear, it was like 70, like I think she was, I think she was probably like a respected actor, but she said that she would, she would let him know. And I think that was before there was, I mean, there's so many actors. I don't even,

I would love to see a graph. I've never seen a graph, but I'm sure it's horrifying. Can we talk, like do you watch Barry? Yes. Yes. So Henry Winkler,

like the act, acting teachers are their own. I've like, okay, out of high school, me and my buddy Bob were like, fuck it. We're going, me and my buddy Bob were like, fuck it, we're going, we're at community college, let's take an acting class. Hell yeah.

And the theater teacher at community college is like, so, you know, like when Bobby approaches a scene, Robert De Niro, when Bobby approaches a scene, we made it three days. We're like, get the fuck out of here with this shit. We just quit the class. We're like, get the fuck out of here with this shit. We just quit the class. No, you're calling him Bobby? Yeah.

You're calling him Bobby? You drove a Nissan Altima here from Streamwood. You don't get to call him Bobby. Bobby Zero. I do think there's that thing in terms of like, it's for me, it's like the scale of cynicism where we're both, we were actors, our actors, but our comedian are comedically minded,

but I could handle that sincerity, that kind of bullshittery of acting for a period of time. I hit an age where I could no longer do it. I had seen behind the curtain too many times, but I feel like there's some people who from the beginning, they could not play this fucking, this zip zap zaps of the world especially because i was coming for like going to see all these bands and it was just everybody's already funny on stage i was worried about comedy too like all these bands like the music scene chicago like they were fun

like it wasn't this like take yourself so seriously like this next song's gonna bring down the government like no everybody's hilarious uh-huh like they're already funny i was embarrassed to tell people i started doing comedy when i was still going to music because like just you know you mean the shit you do between songs oh you go you stand there by yourself now yeah yeah how indulgent so it was hard for me to let go yeah and do like a theater type thing when especially like 18, like I'm trying the most. I'm trying so hard to be punk rock. And like you're just crafting this person you want to be viewed as. And that was not part of it.

Like being open and vulnerable and mature. vulnerable, and mature. Like, you have to be mature to be an actor in some sense of like, okay, I'm going to let myself be this person. Like, I make fun of acting all the time. I'm like, oh, good job. You can play pretend. We all went through that stage in life.

Way to go for it as an adult. But again, that's just me being very guarded and, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a, it was a theater uh history teacher and he was talking about how when he stopped being an actor he was like i got tired of pretending i was walking through jello and that was his like example of like and part of me was like okay but you're teaching theater history you're not better than walking through jello you're you're in fact you're studying the history of people who walk through that's what you've dedicated

your life to i started from year zero up until jello walking is the period of theater that i studied yeah yeah they didn't already have jello that's the thing back then they had to imagine something else that's the skill it was like apollo's juices yeah it's more of a porridge i thought what barry did so well was especially the first season it's more of a porridge. I thought what Barry did so well was, especially in the first season, it's like the acting teacher would have this deep moment with you. And at the end would go,

and remember, you have to pay by 12 o'clock tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like this, it's because I do believe there was some beauty in some of these teachers, but they're dealing with the most financially unreliable income in the world, acting students. So they also have to become this very like,

remember, remember. And it's, Oh, see, I went the other way where it's like, they always know they're doing it about the money, but they'll pretend to be interested in your career.

But that's why you couldn't do the most important part is the money. No, they had it. They, they have deep down. I, I, I don't know,

looking back on it. It's like, I look back and I'm like, some of it feels really valuable. And then there's other times I'm like, some of it feels really valuable and then there's other times I'm like, no, it's all bullshit. I mean,

I haven't booked anything in a long time as well. And that absolutely informs. We can edit this part out. That informs my feelings. This episode is brought to you by A Real Pain. From Searchlight Pictures

comes one of the buzziest films at Sundance Film Festival, A Real Pain. Written, directed, and starring Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg, alongside Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin. Witness a hilarious and moving story about two mismatched cousins as they tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th. Well, we did bring up your cat, Dirt Nap. Oh, you want to get sad?

You do want to get sad. Let's get sad. How long did you have the cat? Yeah, I'll give you the rundown of this cat. This cat ruled. We moved to Oregon, and this cat was just out in the yard. And it was a girlfriend's brother had lived in the house before. Like, yeah, that thing's been out here since we've been here,

kind of just being in the yard. And, like, we put some food out, and finally we were talking to neighbors. Like, oh, yeah, that was a stray. It's been a stray cat for 16 years. Oh, wow. So 16 years in Oregon, like dealing with it. Yeah. And weirdly enough, I met, they're like, yeah, the woman who had it,

she like, it wasn't her cat. She like rescued this litter of kittens and just like decided to let them live in the yard, but they were outdoor cats. Yeah. She moved. She would come back like once a week just to feed them, just to put food out in parts of the neighborhood so the cat could eat it. And so I met her one day. She was out on the street putting food in a bowl.

I'm like, oh, hey, I'm Kyle. I'm actually feeding the cat. She's like, oh, that's great. That's how I found out about her bringing them to the neighborhood. So they gather with these barn cats. I just put shelters in my yard and thought I could kind of take care of them. But then, I don't know, she's kind of sketchy because she moves and laughs. But she's like, yeah, I'm Kyle.

I live with a guy. She's like, I'm Rachel. I live with a guy named Kyle over in in that house i'm like well that's weird because i'm kyle and i live with rachel here and so now i'm like this cat's doing some pet cemetery shit like this cat's never gonna die it's undead and it's just finding kyle's the most vulnerable people uh but so we started like putting food out for it and eventually like oh why don't you come in the house and then it just took over and it was all like so it was about a month or so ago that we had to you know put her to sleep but at that point 19 year old cat so i'm like kind of just

thinking about what a good final few years we got to give the cat instead of being sad that it's gone did you bring it inside oh yeah it was one of those like man i'll never want to be inside we had pet doors everywhere oh wow let her buy we had everything for that cat spoil it 19 years old get in here sleep in the bed that's we lost a cat when i was a kid, and I think the cat, some cats just go away. They hide in the woods to die alone. That's their thing. It's like they will go off, and we didn't want it to happen, so we had somebody come to the house to like, let's get all its favorite food and everything.

That's what they say. They say when it's ill, at some point, it'll just, why? I think it's just, i mean they they they mask pain very well cats do can you imagine if parents did that though you just dad stopped picking up and he's like he's not dead he just he just walked into the forest he didn't want to put you through all the trouble but as a person you're gonna know when somebody's totally sick and a cat's like i can still get on the bed and everything. But it was like, we were given it like subcutaneous fluids, like we were given an IV.

I'm still trying to make jokes about it because that's how you process grief. And the audience is not ready for me to be like, oh, I had this cat that died. But I talk about like, the vet just gave us like a bag of fluid and a bunch of needles. Like, really? Yeah, it's easy. And it's like, I'm not a vet. It's much more like, you've done needle drugs. That was their attitude towards like, you know how this goes. And I'm like, what?

So I'm not like, this is medical. And here, it's fine. I'm like, this is going to be so good, baby. Don't you worry. Oh, man, we're going to ride the cloud dragon soon. Clearly, I've not done heroin. I don't know if that's what it's like. But, yeah, I'm just, like, trying to put on Lou Reed or some shit for the cat while I shoot it up.

But so we were doing, yeah, subcutaneous fluids and all these medicines. And it was just towards the end. It was like, oh, yeah. Where did you have to put the injections? You could put it. It wasn't a vein thing. It was just under the skin. But it was so skinny. Like, at the end, I think it was only about five pounds was just under the skin. So you'd like, but it was so skinny.

Like, like at the end, I think it was only about five pounds. Oh my God. Which is like real. So there wasn't even skin. Like you pull the skin there and you just got tight everywhere else on the body. There wasn't a lot of meat. So it was fucked up. Cause it can't feel anything back there.

Yeah. I see. So it wouldn't scratch you or anything during that? No, it never scratched, never hissed. Like for a bee being like i'd watch it sit out there and fight other cats i mean the thing didn't take any shit yeah wow but then would come in and just kick it with us and like never hissed or scratched us or anything so oh so you still it was a it was an indoor outdoor cat you didn't take it all the way in or like no domesticated no no we just like we're like luring it in through like putting food out and eventually like we don't we don't lock it in the house so we just

gave it pet doors and it just came and went as it felt like it well and it was uh yeah it's kind of ruled were you surprised how sad you were when it when it all happened oh i was i knew exactly how sad i was gonna be i would because i was like, my girlfriend, she's actually allergic to cats. But she's like, I don't give a shit. This cat's cool as hell. I'll get over it. She was up in her meds. This is the opposite of my girlfriend.

My girlfriend's putting the cat down right away. No, we were like, this cat's pretty. Because it was just, it was also, it came, you know, it was, you know, beginning of pandemic, we moved up to, you know, suburban Portland. And so everything was different. And it's like, all right, well, we got this chance to move into this little house and this thing's in the yard. And like, all right, this is part of our life now.

Like everything flipped. We had, you know, we were in apartment in Beachwood Canyon. She was working in entertainment. You know, I was doing stand up and now it's like, stop everything. And then, hey, do you want to move up into this house? Sure. Let's pay a third of our what we're paying in rent for a three bedroom house. I think we we do now. This is our family now. Cool. And so it was kind of intertwined with the whole pandemic experience was this cat. So to have it, like, and finding out that it's old and, you know, ill and just getting out of its years. So I was like, all right, this is going to be bad. Like, it's got to be a rough one. bad like it's got to be a rough one and it was even harder because you want like you don't want it to be in pain if you care about an animal but the animal's not going to tell you hey i don't feel good or anything so to make the choice and wonder if

you're making the right choice of putting an animal down like the thing was so sick like and i wasn't even home i was in australia uh on tour yeah i was like and i'm like oh maybe the cat will make it like this three-week run i'm doing like and my girlfriend was in la and i'm like i you should be back here i don't want to get we we had a cat sitter we hired a cat sitter for the stray cat that survived totally fine on its own yeah yeah we paid a woman to come twice a day and come hang out with the cat because we're like i think it likes people now. It did. The cat was like, yeah, come sit on the couch and watch TV. So she came back up.

And so she, it sucked because she was by herself to deal with the cat. And then somebody came to the house to like, you know. So she called you and was like, it's not looking good. Yeah, I watched the cat die on Zoom. That was cool. Watching the cat die on Zoom? Yeah, and the watcher get put down on Zoom. I wonder if when they were pitching

Zoom, they were like, this is going to really be serious. Like, everyone's going to do everything on it. People are going to watch their cats die. Like, it's going to be, this is not just an opportunity for people to get together in the office. You think Skype is like, we could have done funerals. We could have had the funerals.

We really fucking blew it. Whatever Skype happened, something happened. But I watched two funerals on Zoom. I've said it before, but my girlfriend, two grandparents died and the first one, they were in a beach.

Not a beach. They were in Florida in a funeral and the rabbi was on mute for the first 10 minutes and didn't know. So all the comments are like, we can't hear you. We can't hear you. But you watched. Start looping back. Start it over.

Yeah, yeah. So you and your girlfriend. Yeah, Rachel, yeah. She was on a Zoom from LA? No, she was back. She came back. She cut her trip short to be with the cat, so I was glad she got to spend the last days with the cat.

But she had the cat on her lap. We had somebody come to the house to do the euthanasia, and it made me look very peaceful. Oh, my God, and you're just sitting in a hotel room on Zoom? Yeah, and it was the evening there, and so it was like 11. It was some weird hour. So you didn't have to go on after?

I had a few hours. I had an afternoon to just wallow in it. Yeah. And it sucked. I mean, that's the bad joke I was making. It's like when you get bad news in Australia, you actually spiral counterclockwise. Coriolis effect.

There's jokes, yeah. And the audience is like, a cat died. And they're like, could you knock it off with the fucking jokes? I'll give you the third one. It's about you can't measure grief, but you can if you've ever cried over clumping kitty litter because it just chunks up and it's about a half pound worth. I'm fine-tuning that one.

The Australia one gets laughs because it's just a good quick joke. The other one's too graphic for audiences right did you which is also that's the first joke i wrote because it was very true because the cat was real sick i was cleaning out the litter pan like sobbing and i'm like i'm watching my tears turn into little like fritters inside of the litter pan oh my god yeah uh when you got back did you do a little funeral for yourself? Did you cremate it? Yeah. We got a little box of ashes.

I mean, this cat was celebrated. I already had a portrait done of it, like a large portrait. The cat looks mean in it, too, which I like. Interesting. Yeah, we got... I'm getting more of a sense of who you are. It's a celebrated animal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know know the cat was it's not like we're all cats and dogs it's hanging it's hanging in the living room all

right okay we got some other some other people have submitted some little art pieces all right because you know we we did the instagram thing with it i'm not ashamed of it no we like that cat my phone is physically heavy with cat pictures i don't know if that's how digital works but i think it's heavier than a normal phone like we've run out of memory of just the cat pictures it really is you just go in and it's just blurry orange the whole thing through and uh and so yeah we're like we're so actually we tried to set up an only fans for it because then we're like donate we're donating the stuff to the ASPCA. My girlfriend's like,

I got to keep submitting my driver's license and shit for this. I'm not doing it for the cat. I get why there's thresholds for OnlyFans. Sure. We'll just do the Instagram for the cat. I'm like, it's fine. OnlyFans wants to expand out of porn. They've been wanting to for a while.

They're doing comedy roasts and now kitten. They're doing comedy roasts? Oh, yeah. They've been wanting to for a while. They're doing comedy roasts and now kitten. They're doing comedy roasts? Oh yeah, they had something. Yeah, Woody Cummings produced two comedy roasts for OnlyFans. Oh wow. I tried to watch it at the airport, but I couldn't with the Wi-Fi because it blocks OnlyFans. Sure.

Because I thought I was looking at porn at the Starbucks airport. I was like, I'm just trying to watch. What's more embarrassed, watching porn or a comedy roast at the airport? I still have the ashes. Whose tits are those? Jim Norton's. No, they were Bert Kreischer's tits. They were definitely out.

No offense, fellas. Come on. Jokes, baby. We still have my childhood dog. The ashes are still in a drawer with my dad's records. And, uh, one day I got to spread them somewhere.

A box of ashes. It's, yeah, you know, it's, I mean, a box is only this big. Yeah.

Your box is tiny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. An ashtray is worth, I think. There's a comedian named Aaron McGuire. She said she won't do this bit because it's too dark,

but she, she's very skinny. And she says she always fantasize about having like the smallest pile of ashes if she's cremated and i'm like it's so funny and she's like no one likes it except no one likes it somebody smoke half a pack of cigarettes no that's it yeah yeah that's that's great um uh uh let's see let's see uh you said i talked about the cat for another six hours if you want to i love that fucking cat are you gonna get another cat no i mean not not now it was again that cat came into our life and like it was like a serendipitous kind of relationship god forbid

you see a wild raccoon you're gonna be like this is the sign tony i'm toying with trying to like figure out the crow situation yes i want to start have you seen this what no people you start go ahead you can like like crows are real friendly yeah and you can you could train them and they'll bring you like gifts yeah if you start giving things to a crow eventually you'll find like little things that it found it gives it back it'll it'll be, oh, a crow found like a shiny piece of like whatever and brings it to you. Nice edible arrangement right at the top. Learned your address.

I mean, you know where my mind went immediately was money. I want to train the crow to bring me money. This happens. If you look on TikTok, if you look up crows on TikTok, I swear to God, it's like it's really happening. If you look up crows on OnlyFans, it's senior porn and it's not fun. Crows. Yeah, I think the crows are my next move.

I only want animals that are already out there doing a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want this idea of possession because I don't want to get a cat that then is only an indoor cat because that doesn't feel right to me. Like this cat already made its bones out in the street, so you're fine. You come and go as you please. I do think that's like a dude, like dogs, guys want dogs because they can control dogs.

It's always like, look it, look it, it does what I say. Look at what the dog loves me. No, a dog wants food and is obeying you. I totally agree. there's like it's like this macho thing of like i get my dog to do everything and it's fucking i'm a guy yeah there was this guy lived below me in boston and he got this little cute little blue pit bull and i went to go pet it he goes no no no i'm training him to be mean it's like oh great oh fucking why don't just kick him yeah exactly wonderful

what does that mean wonderful what's the point of having a dog if you're not gonna pet it that sounds like out of a bad movie oh it's terrible it's like such an insecurity thing it really is it really is i could talk about dog dogs dog's gonna obey me oh shit i'm late for work like all right so who's controlling you man like? Come on, let's get it out. We both watched your special, a Bed Bath & Beyond reference. It's over. I also had a joke with Bed Bath & Beyond,

and it's shutting down. When did that happen? Oh, they're closing. A couple weeks ago. Yeah. Really? I did go to one, I think, five months ago. It was like the location was closing.

Like, oh, everything must go. I've never been in a store where they meant, like, the shelving. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you can buy the shelves. Like, you want the light bulb. You want the cash register. An extension. It was everything. Yeah.

I'm like, oh, this is sad. I thought I was going to get some plates or something. Yeah. But I was like, this is sad i thought i was gonna get some plates or something like yeah but i was like this is bumming me out guys i feel i felt why why do i feel sad for a business after they give you the cash register they're like do you need any work for me yeah yeah my job's also disappearing as you can see what are you doing today yeah i wish they're gonna let me cut out of here i think i could take a long lunch i wish i had gone when the announcement happened it's too late now but i i would have loved to have gone like you know get all the sales but i know if i

go now it's gonna be three things on the show yeah it's all it's gonna be the worst trash can in the world yeah like i bought a trash can once where you had to get the the same company's trash bags were the only ones that fit into the fucking trash and my god and i was like you son of a bitch human the least simple thing in the world yes yes they're letter-coded specific trash bags we have that i need a new trash we have the trash can where you have to somehow tuck it underneath the sides to like kind of pinch it in oh and i can do it my girlfriend she cannot do it she does it and then you throw a piece of paper and it falls in on itself why don't you just do the garbage why isn't that just your chore oh yeah because like you guys live together yeah okay right like

you split i mean like joanne cleans the bathroom i I never clean the bathroom, but I'm the kitchen guy and I take out the garbage. She never touches the garbage. I generally do the dishes. And that's it. No, I generally do the dishes. Trash seems to alternate. I agree. But once in a while...

You're also a way. You're also a way. I'm also a way. Thank you very much. I do the gross shit. I do the union level stuff. I'm also a way. Thank you very much. I do the gross shit. I do like the union level stuff. Like I'm cleaning, I'm scrubbing toilets.

Oh really? Like, and I feel like that earns my like, but I touched little poop bits. That's something I wish. You should do a couple more things. Cause I'm touching poop. I'm hiring all the task rabbits.

That is my, I'm on the phone constantly. Task rabbit has, when Tova did, she, she's, she's surprised me stand-up for my birthday. She did a five-minute set. One of her jokes was,

I'm so weak, I had to hire a task rabbit to hit her. Something like that. That's funny. It was very funny coming from her, and then I said, hey, I'm going to try that on stage. They did not like it.

They would rather hear about kid and litter and tears. Well, put them all together. Make it a sadist set. I'm confused. So your girlfriend does not do stand-up. She's a manager with Mosaic. She's a comedy manager, but she started in stand-up

and is very, very funny. Yeah. She really did a great job. I deeply believe. Same, same. My missus, I'm like, if you ever want to do stand-up, she's like, how?

Oh, really? She's funny. Don't you want to? Yeah, she's like, I don't need that shit. Once in a while, if she opens up the's like, I don't need that shit. Once in a while, she opens on the table, but you don't need that shit. What does she do in the business, though?

She's writing now. She's doing, well, nobody's writing right now, but she was. She worked at Comedy Central as an executive, but went to film school. Oh, wow. So she's been doing, like, she directed a short film. She's been writing her own stuff. She's like, all right, I'm ready to move back to L.A. I got all my scripts in order.

That writer's strike. It's like, all right, maybe we're just hanging out in Oregon for a little while longer. But yeah, it's also like just, oh, you're funnier. Like around my friends, you are the funny one. Really? But mostly I'm like, I was funny all weekend. You could have Sunday through Wednesday and talk to the gang. I don't do jokes on Monday or Tuesday. If she opened for you, did 15 down the road?

She would not want that. I begged my girlfriend. Do you want the couple? No. I just feel like there's a couple gigs when I get a- I'll do a one-nighter in Hawaii. Let's go. You do 15.

We get all the money. We both get flown. Something. Just once in a while. I mean, you could just take her in Hawaii. Let's go. You do 15. We get all the money. We both get flown. Something. Just once in a while. You could just take her to Hawaii. You're already doing the show. That's what I've done. I'm doing a show in Hawaii. Why don't you come with? She could just come. You don't have to do any comedy.

Here's what it is. Or you could go on vacation and not do anything. I have a real hard time. I finagle a show out of every trip so i could write it off on taxes you guys are the same yeah yeah there you go if i say we could write it off on taxes tova will get behind that yeah that's that's what you're doing stuff like that i'm sure i have but not i don't know not together i guess you write off this place right uh i think so you absolutely should should. Was this just a studio? Well, this was her place.

I moved in the way we met. I moved in right around the corner. Be careful how much you want to confess. That's what I was saying. The IRS is listening. Sorry, sorry. Well, I mean, you do use this place for... I do.

There's no thing else. Well, it's an office then. Yeah, exactly. This is an office. Absolutely. Write it all off. Write it all off. You've been in this relationship for a long time.

Yeah, about nine years. A little over nine years. We just celebrated. We're not married, so we... Do you ever want to get married? Or is it like you don't give a shit? Good song. Someone just sang.

If you're listening... But he's not. All right. Well, this mic isn't strong enough to pick up out there, but it's quite a... It was a... But to think the other way, that guy's listened to so many enthusiastic conversations in here.

True, true. All the time. Really enthusiastic conversations. Let him flex the pipes a little bit yeah listen i could the amount of singing i put people through in my musical theater days the amount of singing i can never get upset about someone singing i had our last place in la had such thin walls and it was like you know like it's weird when they're like mental health check on people check in make sure like when does that yeah become nosy and i know when it's weird when they're like mental health check on people check in make sure like

when does that yeah become nosy and i know when it's when i text my one neighbor that i don't know that well i'm like hey uh you hear so-and-so crying oh a lot like oh man live by herself but i'm texting another woman that lives by herself like so-and's still crying kind of more than normal down there by herself. And my neighbor goes, no, that's me. I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. No. And I was like, ah. Well, how's everybody doing?

I'll just do a group text. And they're like, there is no everybody. It's just me. We'll just check in with everybody, with all the neighbors. I felt so bad. I live next to these two lesbian girls for a long time. And they used to have- Lesbian girls?

Lesbian girls. They used to have crazy, wild sex. You could have just said lesbians. Lesbians. Sorry, lesbians. They used to have the wildest sex. And it was like, I don't know what was going on. But it was like, it it was really violent and then

one day it stopped and you texted them like hey i haven't heard any fucking recently well that's the thing is i wanted to remember i made that sketch about it heard you're single no i made that sketch about it because it's it was a little like hey what's going on ladies like yeah and then they broke up and i'd read i'd not read i heard from another friend of mine it's called lesbian bed death this is something that happens that like they like it's something that happens in a relationship this is according to a lesbian friend where like like both people's libidos kind of dive they take a dive and the sex kind of stops i don't know really what this is all about,

but this is something I've heard. But I just remember being like, they're not into each other anymore. It's more just the way it was talked about. It was like we were talking about like another species, like it's called lesbian bed death. Scientists don't know everything about it yet, but apparently the libidos-

Y'all got a case of LBD over there? What's going on? LBD, has? What's going on? LBD? Has it befallen your relationship? But I wrote a sketch about it. I wrote a sketch about, you know, these two people that aren't, like, doing well, and their neighbor is kind of,

is like a therapist from inside the walls because you can hear, like, you know, you guys aren't having loud fucking angry sex so much. Well, that was the realization for us because it was a like a two on top to a bottom duplex okay and i'm like oh yeah we'd hear the dog there we hear this one cry or use a vibrator this one cry whatever i like well that just means they've heard us talk shit about everybody in the building every day oh yeah, let's start pretending like,

oh, did you see so-and-so's outfit? Look great today. Try to compliment through the walls. It's like, oh yeah, they've heard us just being shitty. I heard in my old apartment there was a couple and they would scream fight at each other.

I would have, maybe this is not good on me but i had a friend over and she would always be like uh it was megan sass we used to write together and she'd hear the screaming and she was like we got to do something and i was like i don't even know where it's coming from it wasn't our building it was in harlem everything was packed and i would sometimes walk around the corner and be like i even like went so far as to walk around the corner and be like, is it, would it be there? But I'm like, what am I going to- Snoop a little bit?

Yeah. Or I, every time she came over, she acted like, like I should be doing something. She was, she was, she's great, Megan says, but she was a doer. She's going to go take care of things. And I'm like- You just watched that Dahmer miniseries. Like it could be in any one of these. Oh my God.

That is. I thought that, yeah. It's Wenda's nose. Like, I'm truly being nosy. I know me, so I know I'm more nosy than I am concerned. But if my nosiness just meant somebody go like, yeah, I'm kind of bummed out right now. I'd be like, all right. I would still be like, all right, you want to talk about it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a patio, have a wine or something like get out of your system i would have followed through but it was i mean it was like i don't know man you live in new york or la or someplace where people's dreams are not like going well and they live by themselves and you don't see them with people and you're like i would i, I would feel bad if something did happen. It's nosiness, but then what if something did happen? What if somebody was like, oh, I feel like nobody's talking to me. And I'd be like, hey, how you doing?

Like, oh, that might be okay. That might be changing things. Sure, but if I was depressed and one of my neighbors stopped by, I just, that's not going to do it for me. I'm not answering that door. Well, in New York, you know, we mind our business. Yeah, I'm super nosy. Yeah, and me too.

I love gossip that has nothing to do with me. Oh my God, me too. And I don't like that about myself. But I'm like, at restaurants, if somebody else is pissed, I'm like, oh yeah. Well, what's the Oregon gossip? Like, what's the hot gossip right now? There's nothing.

Yeah, do you miss it? I live in the suburbs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. There's so much gossip right now? There's nothing. Yeah, do you miss it? I live in the suburbs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. There's so much gossip in the suburbs. You just got to, like, you know, find it. Yeah, but I got to go to, like, an HOA meeting to get it. I just want to sit in a diner on a train or something.

What's the HOA? What's HOA? The Housing. Homeowners Association. Yeah, Homeowners Association. That would be fun. Very suburban. But I bet you could get on one of those good like Facebook, like Oregon Facebook groups.

The Nextdoor app is really like the level. I mean, everybody, oh, Nextdoor. Did that not make it to New York? I don't know what that is. No, I'm pretty sure that's where you can like report on things going on in the neighborhood. It's like very regional Facebook. Oh.

You don't have that here? I don't either. I've heard of it, but I don't think. It's like Facebook just for now. You have to put in your like postal code. Oh. And then you can post about like, you know, this fucking corner. I can't believe the new.

And it's not good. It's not bringing the neighborhood together. No, no, it's terrible. It's a gripe fest. Oh my God. When I was in LA, my one apartment, I lived in Silver Lake, but it was a Silver Lake Reservoir and they had coyotes that lived down there. And the way people would talk about coyotes was like always,

it was the same language for immigrants. Cause they're just like, listen, they're just, I know they were here first, but they are just, they're invasive to the area and they are, it's making it unsafe at night to walk around.

And then people are like, well, it's like, it's like they're, you know, around. And then people are like. They don't speak English. Well, it's like, it's like, you know, I don't feel safe. I can't walk my dog. And then other people are like, well, we have to respect them. Because this is traditionally their territory. We're the ones that moved in and decided to put up our apartment buildings on their original land. And I just wanted to go to one of those community meetings.

Like, we're talking about Mexicans, right? Like, but we're not, but we are, right? Come on, come on. Like, just to fuck with people, because the language was the same, talking about the coyotes. And that was, and then it was usually just like, heard gunshots, heard gunshots,

but it's a city one. And now the suburban one is like. Well, then I'll answer that right now, why there's not one in New York. Every post would be heard gunshots or fireworks. Not sure it is and it's oh and then it's the who do you what color person do you think made the gunshots or the fireworks and then what we should do and then like everything devolves into some political us versus them red versus blue you know all that shit and then the suburbs like where I live is just

like I saw an empty baby stroller in the parking lot of the Winco and I was wondering if anybody had forgotten it maybe you were shopping and you carried your baby to your car but I have it I brought it home I'm at this address

here's my phone number just open like I'm here I'll leave the garage open if you're looking for it. It's like that John Mulaney bit where he found a wheelchair in the middle of the street and he's either like, something terrible happened here or a miracle. And I don't think it was a miracle. That's great.

He used to have an old joke like that about a baby stroller walking out of an alley with an empty baby stroller going, well, that took care of that. Yeah. Let's go on to our next segment. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. This has got to stop.

Is there something that's got to stop? Big, small, personal, broad, whatever. I can go first if you want me to. Jump in there. Let me get the short spin. Okay, go. Actually, it's personal between me and you. Wow. It can be personal too well but it's also in general um when you're texting somebody and they text you and then you ask them a question and then they're gone they're just gone

it's as if they put their phone you know like, like in a lock box and, and set it, like put it in the ocean, like little baby Moses and just set it free. I know you've got your phone in your hand and I know you saw the text, but like, and this isn't, this isn't just you. This is something we've all done. I've done it. Are you answering a question with a question? Um, no, no, no, no. Like, like, no, this isn't. No, this is me being like you. Okay.

You, you talk through your business and what you have to say. And now I get to say something and he's like, I don't give a fuck. I've got, I'm too busy for this. Okay. Okay. Okay. And everybody does it. I've done it.

But you know, it's just like, it's funny when people are like, we have these things and I know you have it in your hand and you're looking at it as much as I but you know it's just like it's funny when people are like we have these things and i know you have it in your hand and you're looking at it as much as i'm looking at it i think what's hard i think what's hard working out normally i embrace that this has got to stop i agree i build i can moderate i i think sometimes it's so hard to get away from my phone to do a task that requires my focus. And I have ADHD or whatever right now. So sometimes I'm just like, I got to put this away so I can go work on this thing. And I just put the phone down and I put it on airplane mode sometimes. And it's not just you who had a question.

Tova wrote something back. Russell wrote something back. And I'm like, if I start down this path, there's no ending that I got to prioritize people's questions and answers. And I just got to get back to it. And I get that, but it's me. No, I'm kidding. I get, okay. I see both sides of this.

Cause I get the same thing. Like I just, we just talked. We just talked. Come back to me. But I also see like, oh, I just answered five people on text. Now we're not going to do phone for an hour. I get it. It never ends.

It never ends. And I understand that. It's also chaos. It's fucking, I mean, people are saying, you want to do this show? You want to do that? Oh, I know. Everyone's fucking wanting to do the show. Our business is like so fucking fractured.

And sometimes I'm like, did that person give me the info on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter I'm crumbling on that one because I'm like same thing I'm like oh I agreed I just put in my calendar it'll just be like you know like like bubble ass which will be the name of a show but I didn't write where it was or

when it was and then I can't look up bubble ass because like bubble ass isn't the name of the show anymore, you know. And then I look at my phone and I always tell myself, put the details when you make the calendar event. But then I look at my phone and it says 8-15, closing. Yeah, yeah. And you go, Jesus Christ.

This trip is a disaster. I had to look up your address at least 10 times today. Uh-huh. And at least it came from management that's like, look, if you click yes at the bottom of this invite, it puts it all in there. It puts it in the thing. I got it.

I didn't. That's the thing that shows, the reason you do like a flyer post on Instagram sometimes and tagging people is just to remind them. Yeah. It's just the reminder. It's not even for advertising purposes. Sure.

It's very helpful that way um that i agree with i agree both of you thank you you're both right i appreciate that yeah my this has got to stop uh i have a quick okay my big this got to stop and this this is like a liberal thing where some conservative republican shoots a zebra and they take a big manly picture over the zebra with the gun. And everyone goes, how dare you? And all I feel, all I want to say is, do you eat meat? And if you eat meat, just please shut the fuck up. Because there's just,

I get the zebras beautiful. And I get that you don't see zebras very often. And I get that you've never had a zebra sandwich, but, but this, and listen, I don't, I don't,

I'm not a hunter. I'm not a hunter at all. Me either. But this like idea that there is a unique evil when you're doing this to other big fucking mammals who who look who have similar characteristics as us this this idea of superiority or that they're uniquely evil because they hunt i i can't stand yeah the the the judgment when you are doing the same thing you've just made other people do your murdering for you and they don't take pictures of it because it's in a horrible factory it's reactionary yes

that was uh howard kramer made a good point i was on the road with him years ago and he was i'm vegetarian with some some fish in there but he was i didn't realize he was like vegetarian vegan at the time he's like yeah if slaughterhouses were fine we'd just have them in the city so you could see it they're horrifying that's the reason you're not exposed to what's happening there yeah so yeah i get i get that and i was i went as far as like i i was like oh if i i wanted to try hunting out of the fact of like all right if i can't do this i shouldn't be so comfortable i agree letting somebody else handle it now granted you can go like well then change your own tires or do all this other shit but i'm like no this is

like here like first point of contact and i went i went like pheasant hunting and shot these birds and was plucking the birds and oh wow i was out with people that knew how to cook and they made a great meal but i was like yeah i still don't feel good about you and those birds and so because like there's some health reasons and everything else I'm like, yeah, I can't,

I don't think I'd do it. So you're a vegetarian? I got a leather belt on, yeah, I'm not vegan or anything. Sure, but I think the fact that you're a vegetarian,

I think you get a zebra pass. I think you could, if you want to be mad about a zebra, I'm still not grossed out about like, there's still, I know it tastes good.

I watch somebody eat steak, I'm like, I know it's a good steak. I can smell the steak, I'm not grossed out about like there's still i know it tastes good i watch somebody eat steak i'm like i know it's a good steak i could smell the steak i'm not grossed out by the steak yeah yeah i and i'll go even further the the big game hunter people i've done a bit about this so like i'm not running the bit part of it on you but those guys like those hunters they're always very wealthy and they have if they're doing it legally they're paying so much money to hunt those animals yeah and that money goes back into the conservation program yeah yeah yeah and a lot of the times they pick an animal it's an old one that can't reproduce anymore doesn't make it great it's not great you're killing an animal but you got two million bucks to go into your cause?

Yeah, there was a guy who killed a rhinoceros, and it had to die because it was not letting the younger males mate with anybody. It was something like that. Yeah, so if you know you're about to take out an asshole, this rhino, real jack off. This rhino's a real fucking jerk. That's how they could get away with it i think if they describe like the zebra was selfish the zebra they put an affliction t-shirt on it like this makes it a lot easier it's actually actually actually i want to go get me another one you've had liberals hunting zebras and they put

like a maga hat yeah yeah exactly yeah okay head. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I was like, okay. That's what I thought was going to go with like Elon. Elon must be in the kind of like, I thought like all the right-wingers are now going to buy electric cars to own the libs. I'm like, oh, sneaky. Yeah, yeah. It's not happening, I don't think. Yeah, my dad is so weirdly against electric cars.

He's on the right side of things. And he like- Not the correct side, just to be clear. Your father's not on the right side of things not the correct side just to be clear your father's not on the right side in fact he's famously wrong about everything he called me Madonna's a wonderful person she was just having a bad day

he called me right before Obama got elected for the second time and he left me the most gloaty message that was incredible he was like, you hear that Douglas? Last days of Obama. This was,

and then the next day Obama wins. And like, it was, it was amazing. He was so sure. He was so gloaty about it. It was amazing. I wish I had saved it.

It was a really wonderful. Could you be funny about him with it? Like, like throw it back at him or no. In fact, now we don't talk about politics and I'm so pissed. All this, all this stuff coming out,

Tucker Carlson, all that stuff. I could gloat so much and we, we don't talk about it. Cause to save our relationship during the pandemic, it got really, it was the pandemic. Did you ever real like,

Hey dad, let's not talk about this anymore or did it just happen it my yeah i think we both kind of decided to stop and my mother was like you really you guys gotta stop yeah it's not like how many of those conversations you have like well this isn't going where like my parents are both you know liberal but like cnn liberal like like oh you're still getting, it's still the same version. Sure. You're still just getting news from that channel.

Yeah. And so you're pissed about the same guy I'm going to be pissed about with you, but why? Well, because that channel told you. And now that CNN is going a little bit more to the right, it's like, well, now your parents are going to go along with it. I can't believe we live in a world where it's known in our, that the channel's moving more to the right.

Like, that's so crazy to me. It's all crazy, though. It's like, oh, we're going to move more to that. Like, wait, what? Do you remember when you were a kid? I remember being a kid and thought judges were neutral entities. Honorable. Like, and we're all just like, it's like this weird game where everyone's like, well, judges, they are neutral.

But then it's like, no, they're not. Trust nobody who wears a robe during the day. Never trust somebody who gets to wear a robe to work. You're in porn or you're a judge. That's great. I was talking to Tova. Do you think it would be better if when you're a kid and they're teaching you about history, they go like, if when you're a kid and they're teaching you about history, they go like, so judges are corrupt figures

that say they go by these rules. Like, is it, do you not teach anything until you're ready to really teach it? Or do you teach a cute version of it? Because no one teaches a cute version of the Holocaust. No one does a version of like, well, the Jews, they had to stay inside. And then later it was fine.

But we do that with Native Americans. We do a cute version. That's interesting. And then try to update them along the way. Yeah, because who's the bad guy in that story? And where are you going to school? What country are you going to school? Sure. Americans aren't the bad guy in their own history books.

The bad guys are elsewhere but oh if it's american history they're not going to teach you that america's the bad guy when you're also supposed to be getting some sort of civic pride out of the whole thing yeah maybe more so now but i'm sure that teacher's going to get in plenty of hot water to be like well all all figures are corruptible. If money will corrupt everything, we've allowed corporations to invade all aspects of our democracy, and that's who truly runs things. CNN and Fox are part of the same 24-hour news cycle because as soon as they realized they had to play news all day, they had to start making some shit up to get people to watch.

And that's why commercials are the reason that news is on for 24 hours a day. Fucking Tide detergent is the reason that there's a three-hour, the right is coming to put guns in the hands of fetuses in Texas or whichever version you want of that. Your dad was saying that the other day.

Yes. And then the teacher would have to go further and be students just so you know. I'm also employed by a headmaster who's being funded by a lot of Republican parents right now. And I've had strict instructions as well. Or yeah, like let's question why you can only get Coke products

in the cafeteria at this public high school. Or why can you only get Pepsi products and not one of each? Because it's almost like somebody spent the money to get this school district on board and that's why your textbook also has you know a nestle logo on the back of it or just surprisingly more lessons about why nestle's not so bad yeah when i when i was in kindergarten or around that time, I learned later that the dads called both Microsoft and IBM. This is like in 1989. Sorry, no, probably in early 90s.

I was born in 84. And they called them and they were like, so we want our kids to learn on computers. Which computers do you want us to learn on? And IBM sent computers. Yeah. Wow. IBM sent all the computers, and we all learned on Apple computers.

Macintoshes. Macintoshes, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so- IBM went to- Oh, yeah, sorry. I didn't realize that. Yeah, I guess IBM became Macintosh.

I don't really know. Okay, but so that's why you. Okay, but that's why you... Yeah, but that's the thing, is that they knew that it would be influential that I grew up with an Apple deal. It's true. My high school did Apple, and that's why you'll never see me without an Apple product.

I mean, it's a real long-term investment. But I can also see the other side of like, yeah, this is good. Just get kids excited about the thing. Totally. These are very expensive. These are expensive devices. They're not basketballs. And it can be two things at once, right?

Do you think your dad's also called the NAACP and the KKK? And they said, we could teach two different versions of history. Which do you want it to be? Let's look at the demographic, what the school is, and we'll get back to you. Oh my dad, I love him

he fought in the Vietnam war I think when you fight in the war, it changes you I think if you fought in the war well, did they fight? he was doing some crazy shit they made the airplanes go up and down I'm not taking this I already feel bad saying it out loud

no, no, no have you asked your dad, like the question you're not supposed to ask of like, did you ever kill anybody? No, I never, I never asked him that. Um,

cause I know that he was, he was flying helicopters. And so I'm sure people were shooting off of the helicopter or whatnot. Yeah. Um, so you'd be like, how many dozens of people did you, but one of the things that the most interesting thing,

how many assists did you get? Yeah. Assists. He's like John Stockton. Oh, that's so funny. Oh, my God. But my favorite thing about my dad in the Vietnam War, my favorite thing about my dad in the Vietnam War,

is that he famously was like, Douglas, I went home after two tours. I went to bed, slept in my parents' room at my parents' house. And when I woke up, it was like it was all a dream. He doesn't remember a lot of it. He just pushed it down. He just pushed it all down and holds it there. And I just think it's amazing.

There are things he just blocked out. Are you therapy guys? Yeah. Everybody is, right you're you're more newly therapy guy yeah i'm like like i'm deeply entrenched there okay i've dabbled in it now sure i'm honestly i'm starting to come up on the other end if i'm being honest with you i go back but like you know like well if every you get in that sense of like well everybody went to therapy they would really start figuring things and then you hear like dads that are just like,

nope, don't remember any of it. And you're like, maybe we leave that alone. Maybe that works for you. Maybe you're in your 70s. You're going to start digging out behind the garage, see what's buried back there. You're like, I think you're all right. I think you...

There definitely is an age where you're like, oh, well, this is like a 15-year thing, so let's just no therapy. That's one way to deal with it. Drugs. Yeah. Weed's legal. Just mellow.

You had it back then. Shit, that might bring back memories. Never mind. Skip the weed. Skip the weed. Do you ever... This has got to stop. Oh, this has got to stop.

Oh. We could go back to the texting. I'll throw my buddy Shane Torres under the bus. He always texts. He's just like, what's up? Like, no, man. This is for information. You convey a thought.

Like, what's up? Not much. This is not the chit-chat time. Oh, chit-chatting. I am 46 with deteriorating LASIK, and I'm not going to be like, not much. Like, get to it, man. Otherwise, rarely would I say phone call call this is a phone call thing does he have an ask after what's up no it's not it's just like hey it's just like a chat it's a checking in but you know how like

you could just start with like so today i was thinking this or this or this you know it starts like what's happening i can i'm not trying to do this man but you want a small talk a little rainy today fuck off man get tell me what you want we're buddies yeah it's so much less than like i realize i'm trying to falsify how mad i am about it because you started with a text thing now there's so many other no there's so other gotta stop things. My dad is the worst text. Like he will, like I'll text him and he'll call. He will not text,

which would be okay. Older man doesn't text except whatever woman he's seeing at the moment, he texts her non-fucking-stop. Really? He texts her all the, because he's dating also,

you know, women my age so they want to text a lot and it drives me nuts because he won't text and I see him text these women. So this has to stop as just a texting issue and not I wish my dad would find women his own age?

Did you cover that in a previous episode? We're not getting there. Therapy's everywhere if you're looking for it, man. The other day I called my dad. He must have been talking to some woman that he's seeing. And this is really heartbreaking. I'm way over it. I've pushed it down, but he answered the phone. He was like, Hey, how are you doing? And I was like, it's me. And he was like, Oh, hi son.

Like he was just clearly so warm and welcoming to whatever woman he thought he was talking to. And then when he found out it was me, it wasn't like a, what do you want? It wasn't that harsh. But it was not warm. It was not sweet. And I knew just off the warmth, you must think it's someone else. Oh, that's every dude. Yeah.

If a girl's like, what's up? Not much. What's up with you? Let me look through emojis because we do that now. Even my own girl for nine years would be like, hey, yeah. Flirty, but like dudes, get to it, man. Does it ever fuck with you? You realize you'll never know your parents as a regular person?

Like if you met your parents in a bar like my parents met i realized my parents they're like yeah we used to both work midnight shift like overnight shift at o'hare and we go to this bar that's open all night and that's where we met and then i'm like oh i've been my 20s and i've been at a bar at five in the morning. I'm like, that's where my, this is how my parents met. Like, this isn't long-term relationship kind of stuff around here. I mean, I think all the time when I'm like, you know, oh, I wish my parents had done this better or that better. I'm like, my mom was 25.

My mom was 25 when she had me. Wow. And I'm like, that's a child. It's the same way you see, I think of all the teachers I had that were 22 and i'm like i had a 22 year old english teacher yeah what the fuck was she doing there she's she's that's crazy yeah i'm 46 at this age my dad was teaching me how to drive or just kind of sitting there being out of the house for a minute while i hit some curbs but you know like he was like oh, you had a 16 year old son. And then I think about who I was as a 16 year old. And if at this age I ran into me, I'd be like,

this kid fucking sucks. Stupid haircuts and dressing like a dickhead. Your music's terrible. The grand marquees. Yeah. I'd be like, Oh, and we practiced at the house too. And we could, because my dad still worked midnights at the time and he'd leave at eight o'clock and then we got to play all night at the house. That's fun. Hell yeah.

Our final segment. You better count your blessing. You better count your blessing. Something nice. You got a blessing for us, Kyle? A blessing. Oh, man.

We can go first, too. I like you guys going first. That's cool. It gets me warmed up. There you go. I was saying this to Douglas on the way here, but I was in Boston. Came from Boston this morning. And I've been flying so much, and I got to take an Amtrak.

And man, oh, man. Do I wish trains in America would expand? Because I worked I upgraded a business class it was money but it wasn't first class money and then get this so yesterday when I was going to Boston I took an Xela

it got a little delayed probably came in 30 minutes late Amtrak wrote me an email right away they said we've given you points into your thing it helps you buy the ticket yeah immediately and i thought like the planes the planes they take more money they say the plane was late we need some more money yeah they they or they give you the coupon and it's

it's like you go to a train station the food's reasonably priced i mean it's it's so fucking glorious compared to and then I would take- If only it was a little bit faster. If only it was a little bit faster. And it could be. It could be. And we, you know, I don't even know all the details

of why our infrastructure with trains has not expanded, but it was just, it was so nice. And I've gotten much more used to flying, but I think there still is this anxiety of you go in the sky. It takes an emotional toll. And and a train it feels like nothing it feels like nothing and i loved it so much and i just wish i could take the train given the trains versus planes accidents

we've had in the last six months i appreciate your optimism yeah uh but i dig the train I 100% like just kick you look at it it's like romantic it is it is yeah you walk you walk to get the coffee

you're shaking yeah yeah yeah it's fun yeah you're taking a pee you're pissing everywhere you're seeing the backside yeah yeah

it's filthy piss but you're seeing the backsides everything and the kind of good graffiti and like I like seeing what you get to see from the train tracks the only complaint is I was bringing the suitcase seeing what you get to see from the train tracks.

The only complaint is I was bringing the suitcase in and you're supposed to put the suitcase in the slot. In the front. And then you go into the seats and I'm like, every stop I'm looking back. Sure, sure. I'm like, what a perfect way to steal something. You're leaving a moving vehicle.

You grab it, you leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I can't let, no one's ever stolen it yet, but I can't let go of that. I think it's probably... What a large item to rent. You know it's just people's clothes and shit. They're going to have their valuables by the seat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good point.

Socks and underpants. And cum rags. Oh my God. I had a merch box stolen once. I thought one day I'm going to see a homeless guy with like just dressed in cum rags. Let's say moisture crunchy with my handle on. It's going to turn.

Yeah. It's like the black market thing. Like I don't have cash, but I got $7,000 in novelty towels. I think it's because they're worthless, but I sell them. I can, I can activate them with a bit. They become worth $20. It's like crypto. That is really cool, though. But outside of it, it's like crypto currency.

Like if I saw a homeless man dressed in a hundred, I could be like, you know, that's a $2,000 suit you're wearing right now, if I can do the bit. Yeah, if I can do the bit. Without the bit, they're worthless. That is a premise. Just come, show up at my show. I'm not, I'll put you on the list. You don't have

to pay. But set up in the lobby. You're going to make the money. Just trust me. You're going to on the list you don't have to pay but set up in the lobby you're gonna make the money just trust me you're gonna make the money you want from me on these blessing well okay so I'm about to I already just got married but we're having the party on Friday and I'm really excited and I'm thankful for my

wife I'm also I was thinking about I saw two men walking down the street the other day and they were wearing the exact same thing. You know when two people, I don't know how it happens, but it's so wonderful. Or you see two girls and they're dressed exactly the same.

There's a lack of cynicism that comes with like, what are you wearing? Oh, I'm going to wear that tube top with the thing and the Ugg boots. Oh, okay. Let's be cute to it. Let's be cute together. And they wear the same thing. I see. You say it was coordinated. Oh, clearly coordinated.

Or like when you see, like, sometimes when you walk around the Wall Street and everyone's like, it's like the dudes with the blue... Are you wearing a suit? I'm going to wear a suit to it. It's very specific. It's like the Patagonia vest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The blue and the khakis.

And they're all dressed the same. And I think it's really cute. I like it. They're like, it's like, oh, that's nice. The homogeny. Yeah, they're all dressed the same. It takes it, because I would never, I would hate, like if you showed up and you were wearing this exact thing,

I'd be mortified that we're wearing the same thing. But I like that these two people are like, you know what, we're going to go out and we're going to dress exactly the same. And we're just friends. They're not a couple. Someone wrote me today. I just think that's cute. Someone wrote me today who's going to be on the podcast.

He was like, I own that shirt that I was wearing in a picture. And I said, I'm going to get Russell the exact same shirt and we're all going to wear the same shirt for the taping. Oh, that's so funny. I just think it would be so funny. I like an adult and a baby. They're baby dressed the same. That's very cute to me. And it also takes a lot of effort.

There's no store that's like we sell size, regular size and baby size. I bet you there is. There might be. I bet you there's a store where you can like. I think we should start it. I always, you know, I was going to go back and it's got to stop thing is like when you see like expensive baby shoes. Sure, like Nike Dunks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, this baby's not using these shoes for the potential. It doesn't even need arch support at this point. It doesn't need arch support? But then it's because it's the outfit because it's for somebody else. I'm just pushing.

I've just dressed my baby expensively. I'm like, I take it back. Shane's off the hook. I get mad when people dress their baby expensively. I'm like, I take it back. Shane's off the hook. I get mad when people dress their baby. That's your new. And designer luggage. You ever see like a Louis Vuitton bag just tumble at the airport?

You're like, yes, fuck you. Fucking idiot. Designer luggage. Get bent. Anyway, grateful. Grateful. I'm grateful for when I get to see designer luggage fall off the carousel at the airport and get like fucked up like everybody else's bag.

Yeah. Also, I don't know, like real nice, actual nice things. I'm never in New York. It's nice weather. The garbage hasn't started heating up yet. Did you walk over that bridge? I sure did. That's great.

That's a great walk. It's a beautiful walk. That's a beautiful walk. I'm glad you did that. Yeah. I am legit. Like, oh, I'm usually pretty did that. Yeah. So I am legit. Oh, I'm usually pretty curmudgeonly about New York.

And this trip, it's kind of got me on the... I'm almost there. Oh, yeah. Almost there. I'm almost there. Go downstairs and eat at that really good Chinese place that's right there, King's Imperial. Oh, my God. Oh, really?

Oh, it's the best. I was going to ask about the ramen place, but the Chinese place... The ramen place? The Chinese place was astounding. Top 10 meals. That place is good. Right down below us.

That's damn good. That's good. New York needs some more... People are hating on New York. Pretty harsh. New York is wonderful. People are acting like New York's a real shithole. I was in Chattanooga.

It's called punching up down there. The driver was like, oh my God, I heard New York is filled with crime. It's brutal. Yeah, we don't have tornadoes three times a month to sweep up our villains. Sweep up the villains? I love that. It just gets rid of all the loose stuff. That's amazing.

Where can people find you oh this is always the best part of like i don't know how to like it's just kyle canane that's my name and it's on the internet and it's at book you got a new special special yeah special on youtube it's so funny it's so great that's what i always think like well if you like that's my name and it's a unique name. I feel like, I don't know, you guys have shame about self-promoting ever? I'm always so weird about, it's Kyle Kinane. You can look it up, and then I don't have to tell you.

After you hear my 10-minute plug right now, you can tell me if I feel shameful about it. It's Kyle Kinane on Instagram. It's Kyle Kinane on Twitter. It's Kyle Kinane on YouTube. And it's Kyle Kinane. All right It's Kyle Kinane on Twitter. It's Kyle Kinane on YouTube. And it's Kyle Kinane. What are the names of your podcasts? I got No Accounting for Taste with Mr. Shane Torres, who I threw under the bus

earlier. And I feel bad. Shane's a sweetheart. He's going to text me what's up right now. And I have The Boogie Monster with Dave Stone. Also has a new special. I'll plug his special too, called Pack of Lunch. I'll plug his special too called Pack of Lunch. But I'll plug everybody's special. I don't give a shit.

Whatever everybody's coming. Anything you want to plug? You can follow me at TheDouglasG on TikTok and Instagram. See some funny characters and some not so funny characters. You can find me at JarmarcusRaisy. I share all of Douglas's funny characters. He does. He's a good boy. He's a good boy.

He's a good boy. Let's, you know, a lot of shows coming up, but since probably some LA listeners for this one, I'll be headlining the Hollywood Improv

September 25th. So come on out to that and, you know, stay strong, but know that one day we'll all be joining Dirt Nap in the dirt.

Oh, man. This is the downside. One, man. This is The Downside. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With John Marcos and Rayson. Welcome to The Downside.

Hey. Still, I meant to do this while Kyle was still here. Okay. I also meant to take a picture with Kyle. We didn't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Real chaos. Paige, I'd love for you to be here every day.

So we're trying this new Patreon thing. So if you're a patron, you're about to see your name on the fucking YouTube. I want to honor you for being a patron. Yes. We really appreciate it we really do and uh this is the thing i'm going to try to do this for all the shows we'll see how this works always testing stuff out i got to see jackie martling do you know this man jackie martling he was on the howard stern show and he like would call in and he would just tell like street jokes

which not everyone knows this term street jokes are, they're jokes you tell on the street. They have no context. No one knows who invented them. No one knows who wrote them, but they're passed on generation to generation. They're usually pretty dirty. I feel like I call them joke jokes. Joke jokes.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Like things that you know, like your dad tells you a funny joke and the punchline is like, asshole. I bet you there are 10 in this book so this is uh this is from jackie martling's book i really want i someone showed me it's like a big

joke book that's like all the jokes yeah and i don't know i russell does not like joke you like jokes i love jokes russell like as there's no interest. It does nothing for him. Really? And it's so weird because it's like, as like funny people, you're like, but don't you admire the mechanics or the twist? Sure, sure. So the way it's going to work, if you're a patron, by the way, join the Patreon. I didn't even mention it on this whole fucking podcast. Son of a bitch. Join the Patreon.

Even if you don't want to listen to the extra episodes, you're like, this enough it's it's a way to be supportive of the show the world is crumbling this is the only way we're going to get by is is to support artists on this level patreon.com slash downside just five dollars a month yeah just do it just do it what's the sketch you you wrote where it's like just do it with the sweaters with the sweaters try it yeah yeah yeah yeah um could you try could you just try could you just try go ahead and just do the patreon right now just click on it right now patreon.com slash downside let's do this joke uh uh okay so and also feel free to to guess it guess it okay okay okay um okay so the patrons going up there and by the way there's a five dollar tier ten dollar tier twenty five dollar tier you can just join the five but

if you join 25 your name's gonna be bigger it's gonna be bigger and people are seeing their names right now right they're happening right now they're happening right okay cool now broderick calls the doctor and says doc you gotta help me A mouse ran up inside my wife. The doctor says, I'll be right there. In the meantime, wave a piece of cheese between her legs. The doctor races over. And when he comes in the door, Broderick's waving a herring between his wife's legs. The doctor says, what are you doing?

I said to use a piece of cheese. Broderick says says I know you did but we have to get the cat out first. Oh, great. Great. Russell would have been silent. I love that.

We got to get the cat out first. It's our first time. We might just be able to do one joke and that's enough for the patrons. Who knows? Maybe by the time this airs we have so many patrons we got to tell a second joke. Sure, sure. Second joke and that's enough for the patrons who knows maybe the time this airs we have so many patrons we got to tell a second joke sure sure second joke let's see if you i think you

get this one okay okay oh by the way dave our editor i shouldn't give you notes on the camera you you can just have us just watch us if we're done with the patrons um this podcast is real that's what i like about it yeah Yeah, I hope that's what people, I hope that's what you guys like. That the mics don't always work and the camera's sometimes wrong. Bernie's on his deathbed. The doctor pulls his wife to the side and says,

it doesn't look good. Oh no. I don't expect him to make it to morning. Try to comfort him as best you can. She goes to him and says, Bernie, it's bleak. The doctor says you'll be dead and cold by morning. What can I do to make and says, Bernie, it's bleak. The doctor says you'll be dead and cold by morning. What can I do to make it better, Bernie?

What can I do to comfort you? Bernie says, Sylvia, after I die, would you please marry Saul? Saul, would you please marry Saul? She says, but I thought you hated Saul. He says, I do thought you hated Saul. He says, I do. I do. Yes. Patreon.com slash downside. Thank you very much. This has been Downside. Bye. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I love the street jokes. I love street jokes. You're listening to... And if you want to submit your own street joke to be read and you get priority if you're a patron Submit it to TheDownsideWGS

At gmail.com This is The Downside That's a great idea You're listening to The Downside The Downside With Gianmarco Cerezi