The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #151 You’re Paying For My Therapy with Gabe Mollica

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

Comedian Gabe Mollica shares the downsides of losing your best friend to your ex, getting tricked into wiping butt, a Rocky Horror Picture Show hook up that landed him in student court, and Russell goes on a rant about white Gatorade. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Gabe on Instagram, Twitter, & TikTok See Gabe's off-Broadway show "Solo: A Show About Friendship" on August 12. Get tickets here: https://ci.ovationtix.com/35583/production/1140896 For all the latest on Gabe, visit https://linktr.ee/GabeMollica Get tickets to our live podcast recording in NYC on September 11 here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-downside-with-gianmarco-soresi-live-podcast-recording-tickets-676154224487 Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram See Russell in Titanique in NYC! E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by A Real Pain. From Searchlight Pictures comes one of the buzziest films at Sundance Film Festival, A Real Pain. Written, directed, and starring Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg alongside Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin. Witness a hilarious and moving story about two mismatched cousins as they tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th. Oh my god. Welcome to The Downside. My name is Jimarcus Araizi. I'm here with my new box. Your new box. Ooh, I feel like I'm spiking it when I talk. I'll just turn you down a little bit.

Okay. It's okay, we're recording individual tracks. Okay. I'm here with my new box, and I would like everyone to just be positive. I would like everyone to be positive. I love it. The things I, so, so, Gabe, we, we, we had an issue with the last box. One episode was lost pretty much entirely.

We had to pull it from the camera audio, and it a uh and it was truly the box's fault yeah and then i got a new box and then it wouldn't recognize a memory card the voicemail i left this company in australia would end would end my everything yeah the i try not to be my father but i certainly have his propensity for when i feel truly wronged i will the the voicemail left is the kind like if you could leave a voicemail for adolf hitler and you and all you could do was to make him feel bad yeah for wronging the jews that's the intensity that i brought i said i said how can you not support artists i suddenly became a great artist yeah do you think it was easier for you to do it because you weren't talking to someone it was a voicemail for sure for sure and i and i was

planning you weren't worried that that could ever be shared or you know well they called back after i got this new box and and I just hung up. I didn't follow through. Wow. It was over. You got it out. And they were in Australia. Like, this is someone far, far away.

Fuck them. I took a lot of extra anger I have towards Australians. I have one thing. The only thing I don't like about the new box is I don't like – I liked that the other one had all the lights on. Well, there will be more lights here. I haven't put all the lights on you know there will be more lights here I haven't put in all the sound cues there will be more lights it was more aesthetically pleasing

I barely found figured this out in time it's complicated it looks good it does look good who was the guest that you lost? Divya

shut the you old she had a very she had a very long last name yeah but but it was she was

she's a taxidermist, and we made this mail. So I took her class. She's getting a lot of play on all the episodes. Truly. And it's out of order. I have to go back because it's a mess. So it's not like Mulaney. It's like I got my dream guest.

The point is it could have been Mulaney. And I made that point in the voicemail several times. Yeah. I said it could have been John. It was I made that point in the voicemail several times. Yeah. Yeah. I said it could have been John. It was either Debby or John Malaney that day. This story starts weird, but like I used to host a cancer podcast for this charity. Yeah. And I was interviewing like this father who like lost a child.

And we got 40 minutes. So it was a comedy podcast? Yeah. Super fun. A lot of riffs. And we got 40 minutes in and i was like we're not recording oh and he had like told me about oh really oh my god i have to start for the beginning i felt awful i felt awful oh he was a pro he was just like we got it we'll just start from the beginning i got

i talked about this stuff all the time but i felt horrible i think you had to be like all right let's he's all right so he's alive again. Oh, my God. I mean, that's brutal. Yeah. I mean, it just felt awful. It felt really awful to the guest. She was the only guest who ever dressed up for this podcast. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Truly, when she walked in, I wish I could be in her head just to have her go, oh, fuck. Yeah. Oh, fuck. I thought Instagram followers would mean like, you know. I'm in a, I'm in a, you good? This is my co-host, Russell Daniels. Hi, hi, hi.

Oh, yeah, I'm good. I'm good. And we're joined today by comedian Gabe Mollick. What's up, guys? Gabe, we'll talk about you in a second. First me, I have a conundrum that I figured is worth sharing. So I started getting my beard trimmed. Do you do it yourself?

Half and half. Sometimes, depending on how serious the event is. Sure. I've never done it on my own. I just think it would just be... I mean, you should see my pubes. They are truly... You manscape, I assume.

Do you think you do a good job No You know Adequate I've seen what you do With your face sometimes There's gonna be some Big patches going on

The one time you were talking About I had to shave before a show And I didn't have a mirror So that is why I remember that show The Yeah you know

But I don't I've I usually have a beard um but i for the show i've been having to shave every day and i don't like it but i i it has forced me to when i get a beard again i probably will be a little more conscious of of up did you ever go to a barber though yeah yeah and it was nice but not not regularly but yeah it's nice when when they do it nice. Yeah. I mean, I got neck.

It grows fast. Yeah. You're Jewish? Italian. Italian. Jewish and Italian. Yeah, a bit tough combo. I used to think I was Italian-Jewish.

I thought I was hairy because I used to think I was hairy because I was Italian. And then I went on the birthright trip, and we played a game, shirts versus skins. And I was like like oh no i'm jewish hair it's more concentrated in the shoulders and the lower back oh really i mean i don't i don't you're hairy all over i'm hairy all over but i recently just started to shave where i was just like oh this is gross it's time where i just like shaved like my shoulders shoulders you can reach it all i it was it was new adventure it was like two days ago i was like oh my god two days wow yeah i've talked about it on the podcast what are the chance what people always love when i do i have a hairy ass do you have a hairy ass yeah oh yeah when were you ever

self-conscious when you were as i remember in high school for me that's what i was like oh what do i what do i do because i and i once with my mock three, just in between the cheeks, just again and again. And like, it wouldn't stop. Oh, wouldn't stop. It's bad.

I shaved an eyebrow once. Cause I thought it was too thick in like eighth grade. And people were just like, did you shave half an eyebrow? Oh my God. Well, you fully shaved it. You didn't trim.

I tried to trim, but I had no, yeah. Scissors or a blade with a, yeah. I just did., but I had no. Oh, yeah. With scissors or a blade? With a zzz. A zzz. Yeah. Oh, I zzzed it.

Yeah. And it was right before a break, so I was like, great. By the time I get back from break, it'll be back. I don't have thick eyebrows, but I have really long hair eyebrows that sometimes when I go to the barber, they'll trim them off. Oh, yeah. And if they don't, sometimes one like one will come down and it'll like in the middle of the show

I can't get it back up so it's just kind of like in my eye the whole time. You know? But strays. So I went to this, it's a barber I've been to a couple times. I like him. Rapport. Affordable. You know, $35

and I get the towel on you like talking or no uh not not really but i'll indulge a little as long as it stops at some point it can't be the whole well we'll get to the second part of this too because i got so so basically uh he trimmed and there were a couple couple nicks couple nicks first time once's happened once, maybe one on the neck. He gets the powder, whatever thing you put on there. But this last one was a bloodbath. And that's fine. Little nicks here and there.

First of all, I haven't been to enough beard people to be like, this just happens? Or are you paying attention? He's always offering me a whiskey shot before the beard. And I'm like, maybe no more of the whiskey. But my conundrum is I got home. He cleaned up the back. I look at the shirt. It's the shirt I got from the LCDS sound system.

And it's ruined. There's blood on the back. It got on the collar of the shirt. Blood? Wow. That much blood? Yeah, enough that it dripped afterwards and it got on the shirt. And the shirt's done.

LCD Sound System is the kind of band where maybe you could pull off some blood. Yeah. LCDS. But it's, sure, it's unseemly. It's okay. And I'm really trying to throw away clothes in general. I'm trying to upgrade my life to a degree. Yeah.

As you can all see from this shit I'm wearing right now. Yeah. But I don't know, A, whether to keep going back because follow up. Follow up. So now I'm in Edmonton, Canada. Uh-huh. The heart of comedy. Not a lot of hair.

The heart of comedy. And I'm in this mall. They have a the heart of comedy. Not a lot of hair. Heart of comedy. And I'm in this mall. They have a gigantic mall complex, second biggest mall in North America. And I'm like, let me go get a beard thing here. Let's do it. No good. No blood, but no good. I said, clean here, messy up here.

And I said it like three times to the point where he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I was annoying him. I was annoying him with my chair. And then he did two, two. Immediately he takes the buzzer. Does it clean up here? And the moment he did this,

I, I, I went, ah, no, no. Fuck. And,

and then he'd like, as he did the rest of the beard, he kept trying to convince me that it actually is a better look. And then he asked me like, why do you like it messy up there? This is after he had fucked up already. Why do you like it messy up there? This is after he had fucked up already. Why do you like it messy up there? And I said,

it's a Jewish thing. He's like, really? Is it like a religious? And I'm like, no, I just, and he's just trying to hold time.

He's trying to convince me that in fact, his mistake was a blessing. And, and I go, you know what? I would have rather had a couple of Knicks then, then, and I'm fine with it now.

But in the moment I was like, I do not like this. And, uh, it's just that moment you get in the chair, I feel insecure, I'm annoying you, sorry, I didn't mean to bring it up again. He brought the razor over, I thought it would be annoying if I said, wait, that razor for this? How close are you to the barber that you go to here

in terms of walking? Close, I know things about his family oh close no no i don't you know no like like very close okay so it's like yeah i i just wish i think you should just keep going to that guy i'm not a good thing on that person i want a free trim that's that's a shirt that was ruined a A $30 shirt. $25 shirt. I want a free shirt. I understand that. I'm going to be honest.

If you brought that to me and I was a barber, I would think that's fair. I would give you the free thing, but I also wouldn't like you. And I would feel bad. And every time I saw you, I would feel bad about the time that I ruined one of your shirts. And it wouldn't make me want to see you. So I'm just saying it will change the relationship you have with the barber.

I think he'll probably agree. I think he'll probably give you a free trim. But I don't think he's gonna, you're gonna have the same relationship. Change the dynamic. Can I go back and say, hey, last time, couple of cuts. No.

Doesn't make it better if you're not cutting passive aggressive. But I want to maybe steady his hand a bit. Is that too much to ask? To not be bloody? You're going to get bloody. He's a bloody guy. He's a Sweeney Todd. He's a bloody guy. He's a New York Knicks. He's going to get bloody. He's a bloody guy. He's a Sweeney Todd.

He's a bloody guy. He's a New York Knicks. He's going to nick you. He's having whiskeys. He might be able to get it. He's having whiskeys. He's offering you whiskey. That's how much whiskey he has.

Yeah. I can't finish this alone. You could maybe bring the shirt and be like, listen, I got blood on my shirt. Can you clean me up? Hey, hey, one final use of the shirt. What if I wear it? What if I wear it? What if I wear it and I don't say anything? He goes back there to trim.

Okay. He goes, oh, you have some blood here. I like that. Oh. I like that. Because also, if he doesn't say anything, you're like, he's kind of, you know. Maybe I still have the cut. I'll check if I have the cut so we can see it.

Maybe you recut yourself. I cut myself. Pro pro wrestler move have a little razor blade yeah i like that i like maybe you come in shot maybe you come in and you say you say hey i'm wearing the same shirt i wore last time and then you sit down you know so he really put into his mind that you were wearing this shirt he remembers you know maybe um yeah see what that does i like that better than the confrontation he really put into his mind that you were wearing this shirt. He remembers. Maybe he... See what that does. I like that better than the confrontation. I think I need to add a little more detail than I notice I'm wearing the same shirt. Maybe I say,

I got a taping tonight. Sometimes I tell him I'm getting a trim because I have something. Then I go, yeah, I got a taping tonight. Wore my lucky shirt. Always wear it. That's why I'm always wearing this when I'm here. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is I'm here. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

This is truly manipulative. They put the mirror up. You can, they show you the bet, what their work. You always go, of course. Yeah.

You could be like, is that blood? That's the time when you have a new angle. Oh, this psycho. This is crazy. I like this. This works.

Yeah. I'm going to try it. Now, what if, though, he goes, there's blood on your shirt. And he calls 911. What if he doesn't take credit? He goes, what happened? Maybe you fell. Then I'm really

fucked. I got to prepare. I just got to be ready. You're going to confront him then? I'm going to say, hmm, I don't remember falling on a razor. When was a blade back there? When was the last time a sharp object was at the back of my neck? Alright, I like this solution.

Do you always get the same guy or sometimes there's another person in there? It's just like his shop. It's just like his shop. He doesn't have other workers? There's one other, but like it's kind of him. You go to him. Yeah, and you know and we talk about stuff. My barber always pawns me off to someone lesser. I don't think he likes me.

I don't talk. He doesn't like you because you came in with a bloody shirt. No, it's like a very neighborhood-y barbershop where it's like the same guys that go. They go every two weeks. It's their social time. It's probably the only time they talk to other men. It's like that kind of feeling in there. You don't have to look at each other.

They got sports on or the news and they're all neighborhood-y guys and it's very New York. Go in and do a character. I feel like he's always like they're all very white

people. I can tell by the, the comfortness with, with you were talking about. Yeah. But anyways, my neighborhood bar. Yeah. Safe family neighborhood barber.

And I really like him. He does, you know, but he's, he's made a couple of passive aggressive comments about me not coming in enough where he's like, Oh, I guess I'll see you in another six months. Like that kind of thing where I'm like I know that I'm – he doesn't like me that much because all of his regulars, they come in every two weeks for trims and things. And I see him all the time because he's on the way to the subway.

So I see him four or five times a week. We'll like do this kind of thing. So – but he always gives me someone else. So I see him four or five times a week. We'll do this kind of thing. But he always gives me someone else. My guy will, because I just go to him for the beard. I go to a Japanese-owned barbershop. Bragg? Yeah, that's my class.

You wouldn't believe the knives. And I don't know. I think, again, this is all in my head. You get one good haircut, and you're like, well, this is the place for me. Of course. But there's part of me that's like, no, this is all in my head. You get one good haircut and you're like, well, this is the place for me. Of course. But there's part of me that's like, no, I like whatever style this is. But I can tell when he does my beard, he always runs his hands through my hair. And he goes, haircut, haircut.

And I mean, so I can feel that degree of like only this part, not this part. And I'm like, I can't let you that close to my brain. Yeah. Not with my brain. Yeah. Not with these hands. I feel... Wait, $35 for just a beer trim? Beer trim with... There's a hot towel. That's a lot.

He does the eyebrows. He does the back. I don't... For the amount of labor, it's... Let me tell you, my guy, my guy, I can get a haircut and beer trim, all the towel, everything for under $40. Me too. Russians.

Yeah, not all of us can have under $40 haircuts. This is the downside. Oh, this is the music-less version. I thought it was cool. One, two, three. Downside. version. I thought it was cool. One, two, three. Downside. Downside.

You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi. As I said, guys, it's a new box and we'll get it all up and running very shortly. Okay. It's just he sent it to me way back. I was like, oh, this is cool. Let's try it out. Does Reggie Watts do all of those or is there another guy? Yeah. Listen, Reggie Watts, I hope I have Let's try it out. Does Reggie Watts do all of those, or is there another guy? Yeah. Listen, Reggie Watts, I hope I have him on the podcast, but I told you this.

When I did Corden, I didn't get any love from Reggie over to the side. Now, listen. Wait, Reggie Watts was on? He was the band leader. He was? Yeah, he's getting fat checks from CBS. I thought, oh, okay. I didn't realize that.

I had a joke up top that, again, I got in my head. For all I know, they were doing two tapings that day. Who the fuck knows? But I remember seeing, like, I love a band on stage when they're laughing. It is nothing feels better. And, man, they're laughing. It is, it is, nothing feels better.

And man, I just, oh my God, your camera just died. I'm going to shoot myself in the fucking head. I just remembered, I'll just pivot. You're at this camera.

Yeah, I can dismiss it. I just remember being thrown in that moment, looking over and being like, did he not like this one joke and then later he cracked a smile but it's one of those things like again i would have found anything wrong i know in the moment but like seeing it i felt like you at titanic when they when they do a cartwheel standing ovation yeah um talk for a second let me just check it real quick i uh i i

know that feeling because you know with some of the people the celebrities that have come to titanic recently um you can't help but clock them in a relatively small theater oh yeah and i try my best not to look at how they're responding to to my one big scene but sometimes you do and you're like oh that and then you just remember like anytime you're gonna see that person pop up in any sort of thing you'll be like they they either did like that thing or they they they sat pretty stone-faced during something but in general it's been good but uh i try not to look too much but you can't help but look if someone's not enjoying it or someone's like you know when it's somebody's i have like a my guy mahmoud at the door like takes care of everything and if it's somebody like we know that could throw me he's like

15th row. Neil Brennan, you're back here. I don't want to see Neil's face. Another guy who didn't talk to me at the court in taping. Oh, man. I got to tell you, I promise that I'll stop talking about myself. I signed with a new manager today.

Oh, congrats. And thank you. But I think as you stay in this game long enough, you think about shit you talked about, like people along the way. Yeah. And you're just like, oh, no, I'm going to. It's more sad because I love talking shit. I mean, there's so much shit we don't talk about on this show that I would fucking die.

There's something I would love to be talking about right now that we cannot. Oh, I know. I know what it is. That we cannot, that I would fucking die to talk about. I know. But you can't. No, you can't.

And the further you go... You should on this sort of thing sometimes. Yeah, but I admire the... It depends, but I do like when you have those shit talker further comics it's fun sometimes they always like the people who are willing to do it

and again I don't even want to name the names now but the people who are willing to do it they always end up like they were a mess like their lives collapse because they clearly lack the necessary sensors but man I'm dying I thought of a tweet the other day I can say this because it's a long enough way lives collapse because they clearly lack the necessary sensors. But man, I'm dying.

I died. I thought of a tweet the other day. I can say this cause it's a long enough way. Someone tweeted about crowd work, complaining about crowd work. Sure. I I'm fine with the degree, but this one was more like,

this was saying, this was holding themselves up a higher than comedians who do crowd work. I know the tweet. Yeah, we all do. And, and I, I want a listener do crowd work. I know the tweet. Yeah, we all do. And I wanted to – Every listener knows the tweet. I emailed to myself two weeks from now to tweet this saying, comedians who complain about crowd work are just mad because there's no one in their audience for them to talk

to. And I texted Tova and I wanted to do it right then and there. I wanted to do it right then and there. I wanted to do it right then and there. Yeah. So, Gabe. Yeah, let's get to Gabe. Gabe, Gabe, Gabe. 21 minutes in.

Let's get to our fucking guest. I got some swings in. I'm feeling all right. I'll let you know if I'm like, they're in love, and I'm here. No, we have plenty to discuss we have a big i'm sure there's few comics who can go toe-to-toe with you on musical theater like i can all three of us i guess yeah i heard you on i don't know how you're how like your deep musical theater knowledge is i used to know more than i know now what what was i know a little bit more

now because of the show what was sondheim's okay I know a little bit more now because of the show. What was Sondheim's... Okay, Sondheim, one of the last shows that new shows of his produced was called Roadhouse. Roadshow. Roadshow. There you go.

Roadhouse. What was it called before Roadshow? Oh. I have no idea. On the count of three. One, two, three. Bounce.

I thought I was going to... You thought the frogs. Frogs, yeah, but I don't... That was at the Yale Repertory Theater. That was a totally different thing altogether. Okay, good. I'm the master star. Wait, was there a name before Bounce. I thought it was going to be- You thought the Frogs. Yeah, but I don't- That was at the Yale Repertory Theater. That was a totally different thing altogether. Okay, good.

I'm the master stepdad. Wait, was there a name before Bounce? I feel like there was a third name. We'll get to the bottom of it. Boing. So you were a theater kid. Oh, yeah. What was the last musical you did?

I was in Candide in college. I heard you say it on a podcast, and I knew the song you were about to bring up was Glitter and Be Gay, and I knew it before you said it. Do you know Glitter and Be Gay? Yeah, that's the famous one. Glitter and Be Gay! And Kristen Chenoweth sang it to great people.

It's like an operatic soprano, right? Yeah, it's to great people. It's like an operatic soprano, right? Yeah. It's a super like fast. And we had a party in college which was Glitter and Be Gabe where you could wear glitter or dress like me. And it was great.

How many people? It was easier to dress like me than put on glitter. It was like football jersey because I really leaned into like, I'm a straight guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a liberal arts college.

Like we exist. You leaned into being straight'm a straight guy yeah yeah yeah I'm a liberal arts college like we exist you leaned into being straight tell me what that means it means like I was in like I was in the gay acapella group with like all the tenors are gay and they'd be like and our tokens straight and you're in a football jersey

yeah literally always have a football under your arm like just really like making sure everyone knows one time we had to we entered a dodgeball tournament for charity and we had to play like the all guy group and it was like glee we were just like getting picked off one by one i was like this is the stuff of night just when the moment they turned to you at the straight guy yeah oh you're gonna lead the way and you were like guys please this is why i'm with you. I'm glitter. I'm glitter. So, okay, acapella. This was in college? Yeah.

And you were the tenor? I was one of the tenors. What was the name of your group? Dually Noted. Dually Noted. All the names were named after something Hamilton related. So like Alexander Hamilton, so Hamilton College. So like Dually Noted, Duel, or like Tumbling After, which was-

This was before the musical Hamilton. Before the musical. So- Wow. For years, theilton musical was a thing that the choir everyone in the choir had to do for for most of my life the hamilton musical was this thing you came back early in january got drunk for a week learned a whole musical and did it like a month later and then suddenly people like hamilton the musical and i was like oh no that's different sure which which legacy do you think will last when you did or Lin-Manuel's I did when I was in Candide somebody came up to me on stage with a live microphone walked out on stage two hours in and said just so you know I'm wasted and then said

their line tell me what what was the Hamilton music was it about Alexander Hamilton no it was just like the Hamilton College Choir musical. So like every year they do a new musical and you'd come back early. And it was like a party basically for two weeks while you learn this musical eight hours a day and then you partied all night. And it was new each time or it was like a classic? Like what kind of musical was it? So Candide was probably the most mainstream one we did. We also did like Lady in the Dark.

The Hamilton. Yes. Okay. So you just put together a show every two weeks also did like Lady in the Dark. Oh, you mean The Hamilton. Yes. Okay. So you just put together a show every two weeks. But it was only the choir. So it's like people who didn't sign up to be in a musical,

they signed up to be in the choir and then they were forced to be in a musical. It was very different. So the acting was rough. Real bad. No one, yeah. Yeah.

Awful. I mean, I was Candide. It wasn't... I don't know that show. Why is that funny? Is that because he's supposed to be like... I just am not a great actor. You, it wasn't... I don't know that show. Why is that funny? Is that because he's supposed to be, like... I just am not a great actor.

You're not a good actor? I'm fine. But, like, I wouldn't say, like... You want to plug your one-man show now or later? Well, that's the thing. It's so funny. Like, I'll go to these French festivals, and people are like, I have talent. I can juggle.

I'm like, I just talk. I have this show. It's a story. Sure. I just talk. I'm just me. I kind of can't do anything else. Do you get emotional in a story? Do you cry, I'm just me. I kind of can't do anything else. Do you get, do you get emotional in the story?

Do you, do you cry? I don't cry. We had to like kind of lead me to being emotional. I wanted to like skip over that part. How, how did they lead you? Your director? Yeah, I have a director, this guy, Greg Wallach. And what would he, what would he do?

What do you? He basically was like, you're bailing out on this like big emotional moment where it's like my best friend, my girlfriend fell in love love the moment you find out oh my god um that's so like we had to like put me in the moment again yeah yeah so what because like i know what i would like i have like old acting thoughts of like how i would try to bring myself there what was your what was your process uh so it's this moment. I'm making pizza bagels. It's four in the morning.

I spend basically an hour and ten minutes talking about how much I love this guy. And then we fly to Scotland. The girl and I had broken up a month earlier. In that month, they had already gotten together, devised a plan to tell me. Okay. So there's no crossover? Technically, there's no crossover. But there was definitely like eyes. During all this, he's my confidant.

Yeah. Okay, let's go back. Let's fight. Yeah, we can go back. Okay. All right. This is juicy. So you're dating.

You should make this a show. Tickets available now. Dynasty typewriter. your your your date how long were you dating this woman we met so we met at a summer camp that he had brought me to and it was a summer camp where you work with sick kids um and we had been dating not that not a super long time but like enough where it felt like pretty intense so like when you say sick kids how old are you i'm'm 31. Okay. No, in this moment.

22. Okay. You've got to step back and guess how old they are. No, I was asking when this was happening. Judy Gold wrote me. She was like,

did you tell Russell not to do that at the beginning? Also, I have things with you and your age. I feel like you've lied online and it's...

Hold up, hold up. When have I lied online? I Googled the other day because I was buying you... I didn't lie online. I feel like you've lied online and it's Hold up, hold up. When have I lied online? I googled the other day because I was buying you a birthday present, spoiler alert, recently. Really? Well, I wanted to prepare it. And I was trying to find something about you. And everywhere online

has your birthday off by four years. And I know, I know that you put it out there. No. I know that you're the source. No, I'm not. I know that you are. I know that you've put it out there somewhere.

And now you're trying to pawn yourself off as being like, oh, well, maybe I'm 29, maybe I'm 30. You're a liar. You're a filthy liar. And I want the world to know that if you Google John Marcus Sarese, he is pretending he was born in the 90s. He was not. 80s kid.

All over. Anyways, sidebar. So that was just that. He was not. 80s kid. All over. Anyways, sidebar. So that was just that. So you were 22 at the time. Yeah. And. I'm looking you up right now. No, fuck off.

Russell Daniels. No, I didn't lie. You know, everyone knows how old I am. Weight, 125 pounds. Okay. So you're 22. You're in a serious relationship with this woman. Yeah, it feels really serious.

Yeah. Okay. Okay, so you met at this... What kind of sick kids? Like chronic illnesses. So everything from like cancer, hemophilia, sickle cell anemia, muscular dystrophy. Can I ask, like, obviously that's... It must be hard.

Like, that's a real counselor. You got work to do that's it must be hard like that's a real counselor you got work to do. Yes, it's hard. It's hard. Yeah, it's really fun but it's hard. And would like was everyone hooking up?

Were all the counselors hooking up? Or was it like Yeah, so it still had that energy like I remember summer camp I mean I had some such great like making out with someone on the last day of The best.

I mean just the horny energy there yeah very exciting the camp's very horny add in to that element oh we're all pretty good people like we deserve this okay were were any were there any people that you're like oh you're all good but you are you're doing doing it to feel like you're a good person, or were you all good people? No, no, no, there's some, I think everybody has this fear

that I'm gonna get called out, that I'm not doing it for the right reasons, and so everyone really tries to be aware of that, but there's also some people who are super performative with the kids, because we go in public once a week, we go to the Six Flags, so you're pushing kids in wheelchairs in public,

and there's a real showmanship to how you're dealing with the kids in a way that we would teach. When I became a teacher. Someone has a boom box to really draw attention, music to the crowd. We would have some kids who had really serious illnesses, and it didn't look like they had a disability. They'd have mitochondrial disease. So they'd use a wheelchair to get around, and then they'd stand up and like get on a roller coaster and people hated that. In public, they'd be like,

that kid's not actually sick. Like you guys are like bullshit. Oh my God. But they needed it. They needed it because like if they took 10,000 steps, they would- Did they at least try to like look like they were struggling out of the wheelchair?

Did they spring up? It's very scary to get- Let's go upside down. It's very scary to be caught if you're faking something like that i feel like yeah i one time did i ever tell this story i one time um had to do this really shitty shitty new york city gig where it was like a scavenger hunt where you had to act like they had actors along the way in the scavenger hunt anyways and i had to have crutches and i had

to be outside for this gig and one time time I was going to a Starbucks on my break from it with the crutches. And I, um, I put them down at the seat I was at. I came in with them. This woman goes, Oh my God, she saw me with them. She goes here, sit here. And I was like, I did want to see, cause I had been outside all day. And so I was like, okay. So I sat down and I was like sitting down and then I realized I had ordered. And so I'm gonna have to get back up to get my coffee. And I was like, she thinks I have crutches. So I had to, for very briefly,

in a Starbucks in New York City, pretend I was on crutches to get this, just to fool this one woman who was offering me a seat. And she had a seat too, but she had her stuff there. And so she offered. And then I was like, well, I can't just walk up. I have these crutches. She only gave me the seat and she had a seat too but she had her stuff there and so she offered and i was like well i can't just walk up i have these crutches she only gave me the seat because she thought so i was all of a sudden pretending that i had crutches and it was very it was very it happened so quick and so naturally where i was like well i just got to pretend i'm on these now

and uh no moral you're just like oh this is what i'm gonna do i wanted to see and also she she had a seat too it wasn't like she was giving me her seat. But it was like... How many months pregnant was she? Anyways. On the Curb episode, somebody comes up to you and is like, what do you need these for? You're able-bodied. I know, I know, I know. But it was funny because then I literally just, in that Starbucks, faked it.

And then as soon as I got to the door, I just stopped it. You know what I mean? Yeah. And no one was like, what? It's New York, so no one really cares you know no one was how many counselors it feels like it feels like with at least what you're describing you need like one per kid really you it's like you can as a counselor you can be like you can go off someplace with two kids max it's like a tough ratio it's not like one of those cancer it's like i'm a counselor i got 15 kids it's like you got two kids did you have like specific kids that you were their care the caretakers of like

you knew how to navigate yeah there's kids that come back and you're like i've had this kid he's gonna turn over in the middle of the night you got to be ready because so there's baby monitors there's like turning kids in the middle of the night so they don't get like bed sores there's like a million protocols bed sores from lying down for how, I thought like only if you lied on a long, long, long time. So if they, if they're in a wheelchair all day and they get into bed,

they can't then be in the same position on their, so you want to turn them on their sides, but then they move, like they shift in the middle. And so there's certain kids you check in every three hours in the middle of the night. You're saying you did not sleep for more than three hours cause you were getting up every three hours.

If, if we had those kids that week for sure. You're like, and you're living in the cabin? Yeah. So it's like, I've never worked harder. People are like, oh, comedy. I'm like, oh, you've got to post. I'm like, this is fine.

Posting does take a lot of time, though, and I have to get up early to do it. Support the troops. And was this just, what led you to become a counselor for this? My friend brought me. He was like, you'd be good at this. This guy. The guy who changed my life. This guy. And she My friend brought me. He was like, you'd be good at this. This guy. The guy who changed my life, this guy. And she was there too.

She was there too. So did they know each other before they knew you? No. Okay. And he introduced me. He's like, I met this girl, you're going to love her. She's like, because he had a girlfriend. You're going to love her.

I love her. The idea that comes to my mind just out the gate, it's just the idea of really good people who do bad interpersonal things, but are amazing. Yeah. Yeah. It's a mind fuck. It's like worse. It would be easier if I didn't like it, you know?

Yeah. So did, did the glow of doing something, have you always been a charitable person? Um, yeah, like, yeah, my mom was always like praising me for that type of stuff you hold the door that was like a big deal oh hey my son holds the door for old old ladies like that was definitely like a thing that we went out of our way to kind of would they would your parents do charitable things yeah oh for sure like what my dad had a guy for a long time that like he lived i think lived under a bridge and he would just bring him meals, but like quietly, like we didn't find out for years. And one day my mom was like, it's Christmas day. Like,

where are you going? And he's like, there's this guy, he needs a meal, like stuff like that. A mitzvah. Yeah. Yeah. We really, we love the Jews. As Italians, we honor the Jews. He was a Jew? No, my dad's Italian, but like the mitzvah thing. It's like. Sure, sure. he was a Jew? No, my dad's Italian, but like the mitzvah thing. It's like, sure, sure. That's amazing. I often, this is not a good excuse, but I go like, when I'm like, oh, I'm kind of selfish. I go, well, yeah, my parents, they never showed me being extra hospitable towards people. Can you think of something your parents did that was akin to... Yeah, there was a lot of... I grew up upstate in an area that had...

I can think of my dad helped out this one guy down the street who had all sorts of issues. My dad would often be like, oh, and Albert would get out of his house, and my dad would help him back. There was things like that. The people across the street had an issue with their dad was abusive. So he would sometimes help out the kids. So yeah, I have examples.

That's nice. Yeah. My dad, for a brief period, my dad lived under a bridge. And he said there was a man who lived under a bridge. But he never took me home. But that's beautiful. I think it's a beautiful thing i just like reflect on like there's just certain things where i go oh i just never had like a model for what that even looked like of course growing up and now i gotta so it's more not excuse it's like oh i have

to decide that for myself i have to go like okay this is a way you can live your life and one day i will help people. I promise. It's a podcast promise. Speaking of, if you enjoy the podcast, join the Patreon. Patreon.com slash downside. Bonus episodes, live episodes. My special, The Rats Are In Me.

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betterhelp.com to learn more and save 10% on your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com. So, okay, so you go to this camp. What's it called? It's called the Double H Ranch. It's a Paul Newman camp. So there's one in Connecticut, it's called the double h ranch it's a paul newman camp so there's one in connecticut that's like the famous one where like their board members like bradley cooper julia roberts yeah that's like and that the one in connecticut they like bought the land they paved it they like built it up it's like fancy and then we were the second camp and the second camp like this guy wanted paul newman to make a camp and paul newman was like i got a camp i'm good and then he convinced him like no no make a camp. So they just bought this dude ranch.

So the double H is, like, not meant to be a – like, there's hills. It's just, like, not meant for wheelchairs. Like, they really had to adapt it. So for a long time we felt like the little sibling to, like, oh, the first camp has all the money, but we're the one where, like, we're irreverent and we're fun and we – Yeah. The kids like us more.

I just like – it feels like you wouldn't want to build in a place with hills. I mean, it is a bad idea. Was everyone in wheelchairs? No, probably, um, if the cabin's like 12 kids,

maybe like two or three. Mm-hmm. Um, and the other thing is our camp, so the one in Connecticut, it'll be like a, it's themed by diagnosis. So it'll be like every kid that week has hemophilia.

Yeah. But, which is like a blood clot thing. But our camp mixes diagnoses. So you'll have a kid with hemophilia living with a kid with sickle cell living with a kid in a wheelchair. And they're like talking to each other.

And we always thought that was like kind of exciting where it's like, oh, you're learning empathy. It's not just like, I have hemophilia. Everyone I know has hemophilia. Would they ever play the like,

who is it worse? When they got old, I'm not privy to what the campers are talking about like late at night i like to i i'm sure at some point some of the kids were like oh my god like we had one kid who was like oh my god hemophilia will never go away he'll just like have blood clot issues for your whole life and the other kid was like you have cancer like you could die yeah die having that conversation. And that's like really intense. Yeah. Did they have a sense? I know you can't generalize with all of them,

but I feel like there must be some morbid humor. I just. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, like the kids I'm closest with are these two boys, Austin and Jake, who have muscular dystrophy. So they use big power wheelchairs.

And they're in my show. I talk about them, like how much I love them. And Austin one time, I meet him for the first time. And he's like, hey, man, it's time to wipe. He goes, you're my new counselor? I said, yeah. He goes, well, I guess it's time for you to wipe my ass. And I had never done that because it's like I'm new.

So I'm like, let's go to the cabin. I got Austin there and Jake there. And Austin talks a lot and Jake doesn't talk at all. And they're best friends. They're in these big power wheelchairs. And so I take Austin. I put him on the toilet. I do this whole thing.

It takes a million steps because I've never done it. And I'm trying not to drop him. And finally, Austin poops. I'm talking to Jake. Jake's only giving me one word answers. So I go back in there. Austin's done pooping. I wipe his butt.

I do this whole thing. I throw that in the trash can. I pick him up. I pull up his pants, put him in his wheelchair, put on his seatbelt. And Austin goes, you're an idiot. I'm ambulatory. I can wipe my own ass. Oh, my God.

My God. That is so funny. Yeah. It's like, what's funnier than making this fucking guy wipe my ass? He doesn't. I can wipe my ass? He goes, look. He's like, move it. I'll wipe your ass.

I'll pick you up right now. He's lucky he didn't get in trouble for that. I got to say, I would think they would feel like a privilege of like, what are you going to get mad at me? How hard my life is yeah yeah yeah i'll make everyone wipe my ass yeah i need three people to get out of bed that is such a good prank i wonder how often he's done it we had one kid with no legs who used to like put his body up against like like a trash can that fell and be like help i got stuck like and so people in public would be like oh my god and then they pull him

out and we'd be like and he'd run around like he could run like he would put his arms like like almost with his arms he'd like fly around and like some people were like that's not right he shouldn't be doing that and some of us were like that's hilarious yeah yeah his life is hard like let him yeah like it's fine i for sure if i was was missing an arm, I would do that, like, shake my hand. It gets yanked off prank every day. Never get old. Yeah. When you're wiping someone's ass, do you do it while they're seated? Or do you have them stand up and go like this?

There's no standing up, Jim Margo. And are you looking directly into their eye? You probably, depending on the kid, every kid's different. You kind of like, they're on the kid every kid's different you kind of like they're on the toilet you lean them forward and you kind of just like get in there and dig yeah and do that you lean them forward and you're their heads here they're leaning forward you're going like yeah their arms on your shoulder and you're leaning over and like you're kind of putting your hand in the toilet yeah so there's a lot like a lot of gloves a lot of like you put on gloves i guess that makes sense yeah by the end but like your. You'd put on gloves, I guess that makes sense.

Yeah. By the end, your first summer you put on gloves. By the end I was like, whatever. That's where I was going. Because they have parents, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's your kid. But if you're, you're supposed to wear gloves, of course. Did you feel fully trained to do everything you needed to? They give you training, but how could you train until you meet Austin? I think the teacher comes in and says, are you going to they give you training but like how good how can you train until you meet awesome i

think the teacher comes in and says are you gonna wipe my ass practice yeah there's a lot more careers than you think because i wouldn't you know you don't put oh yeah camp counselor oh yeah you would maybe have to wipe ass depending on like there's like you think in your mind nurses you know in medical thing but like teachers sometime like it's a it's a lot everybody works there's medical and i'm like uh i wanted i was teaching and then i was like i want to be creative yeah you know so like it was wow yeah okay so do we mind you talking through the show no i don't mind that i i i yes so you i was nice about the girl yeah you meet this girl i meet this girl she's great i'm gonna kill I'm going to kill myself.

I'm going to kill myself. It's okay. Your camera's got it. I knew the one thing I did differently with the cameras, and I fucking knew. It's ruined. I fucking knew it. It's ruined in the episode. Yeah. Okay.

You're in that camera, yeah? Yeah, I am. I'm going to call Australia. I don't even know where this company is. Okay, so you meet her. Yeah, he introduces me. Is it right away? Yeah, like first week.

Falling in love. Right away, is there a connection? Yes, there's a connection right away. We're at the bar, so we're just meeting each other. She's in his cabin. I'm like, oh, I know some of the kids that you had. They're in the cabin together. They're working together.

Is this a cabin where it's like, Oh, like open or they have their own, they're not living in the exact same room, but like they're working on the same kids. So like, it was so intimate to like, you're showering kids together or like wiping asses together. And then like you put the kids to bed and you're like, it's like your parents. Yeah. Oh, we just put our kid to bed. We wiped his ass and showered him.

Yeah. It's like, it's much easier to fall in love that way than like we met at a bar. I feel like, for example, if my dad is probably the closest to just like being, needing help. Sure. Like, like you, you, there could be a whole industry of just training adults. Like how to fucking, you, you know. Yeah. That's why I asked the question about the wiping the ass.

Cause I remember some story. It was a comedian about wiping his father's ass. I feel like it might have been like a Dane Cook thing, if anything. He was doing a big act out. But it's like, that's why I asked. There's so much that you know about taking care of a human being. Someone I knew, their grandfather fell. My parents were like, oh, we'll go check on him.

And I was like, I'll come with you. And I came and I just knew what to do. I was like, oh, we'll pick you up by your shirt I was like, I'll come with you. And I came and I just knew what to do. I was like, oh, we'll pick you up this way and we'll put you on the bed this way and we'll change your clothes this way. And my dad was like, oh my god. I can't believe you know how to do that. I was like, this is easy. He can talk. When you reach the kids, they're just like,

you don't know. So you meet this girl. Girl's great. Yeah, she's like, she's an artist. Um, yeah, she's like, she's, she's an artist. Like she likes poetry and she's interesting and she's funny, but she's also like a, an athlete. She's like on scholarship, like row. So I'm like, Oh, this person's cool.

She can hang, but she's also like accomplished and intimidating. I kind of like women where I'm like, Oh, you're amazing. I kind of like being very intimidated. That's kind of like, that's what I'm into. Sure. Sure. Sure. So how long is this courtship process before you're like, Oh,

we're, Oh, like I knew the next day, the next day, Tim and I took like a drive and I was like, I think I love her. Like, Oh my God.

Like she's amazing. Yeah. Um, and so right away I kind of have a suspicion. And then like the thing about summer camp, if you've gone to or lived at a summer camp, it's like the days feel like a week. Sure.

Where you're just like you're with each other all the time. So that's a really difficult question to answer. Like how long were we together? I'm like technically not that long. It just felt so big because I'm like I've been living with this person like on top of each other spending all hours of the day together for four months and then trying to do long distance. Like this is the person that's closest to me on

earth i'm 22 yeah yeah yeah um so it felt bigger probably than it is yeah like every emotion at 22 yeah of course you you'd had any big heartbreak up to that point yeah one one girl in college um who the big story with that girl uh em, was I was courting her. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. And finally, one night, I was just like, listen, I like you. I think you're afraid to date somebody. She'd never dated anybody.

I was like, I think you're afraid to date somebody, but we should clearly be dating. This is ridiculous. We spend so much time together. This is nuts. And that night, we went for this long romantic walk. And we got drunk. And we ended up in a classroom. And we got caught hooking up by campus

police wow amazing and how far i was going down on her oh my god they swung open the door yeah how'd you get in it was it was like lock my pants and it was you'll appreciate this it was the rocky horror picture show party night so like we were in like costumes. Which were like, like a teddy type thing. We were both wearing dresses. Oh my God. That's too perfect.

That's too perfect. Yeah. So, Zoe, the campus, they opened the door and immediately, was it like, was she,

is this long enough? Was she standing and you're on your knees? No, no, we're on the ground. You're on the ground. On the ground.

And the police officer, to her credit, goes, do you guys both want to be here? And I was like, I was this close from saying, you're Emma, right? But I just was like, yes, we both want to be here. And she took our names. And then she kicked us out. And I kind of was like, oh, it's over. Oh, this is totally fine. We got kicked out. It's whatever. She took our names. Names or whatever. And then we got letters in our mailboxes that were like, you have to go to trial,

like student court trial. Yeah. Cause that kind of stuff is always dicey. I, especially now I feel like, like people could be like, that's exposure in a public area. And it's like,

yeah, come on guys. A big part of that story is like, she like, I was fine. I felt bad for her. Like, she had never dated anybody. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a really good, like, you probably shouldn't date anybody. Back into your shell. You have to testify in front of the... We had to go to, like, student court. And you weren't allowed to bring a lawyer. That was, like, the big deal. That feels like against the Constitution in some deep way. Also, like, the student court, crow up colleges. Because you know everyone in the student. Also, does the student court grow up colleges?

You know everyone in the student court who's on the student court has not had oral sex. They're not going to be sympathetic to your case at all. Just such a waste. Just like have someone be like, I don't know what, you're on parole

or whatever, you're on probation. So it's a points-based system. No pussy-eating for a week. No pussy-eating the rest of the semester for you, young man. So the big tension was it's points. So it's like 10 points of drunk driving, kicked out of school. Two points is a warning. That's fine.

Four points was a phone call home. So they call your parents. Was this a four-point? This was a four-point offense. They call your home to say you had cunnilingus. So we had to go to trial. So we were like, please, we'll take two. We'll plea it down.

Did you have to explain? Was you together testifying? Yeah, we figured it would be better if we were a united front. We did this. We're sorry. What was your case? Did you say, we're dating. We're in love.

We're in love. We're a rock and horror. I spun a nice wheel so my my dad had gone to law school when i was in high school big deal so like i kind of like knew and my dad loves to say no one ever gets caught doing something the first time they do it it's like his favorite thing everybody it's always the third or fourth time they do something they get caught that's a good line so i went in there i said my dad went to law school he just graduated as a lawyer he loves to say nobody ever gets caught doing something for the first time but i'd like you

guys to know this actually was the first time we're really sorry and they ate it up oh they love it we have that in common everyone was eating yeah uh and it would be funny if she was like, trust me, it was his first time. That would have been so funny. I would have married her. Trust me, Your Honor, it was his first time. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? Yeah. So you had to call home.

So we got it down to two points. Oh, you got it down to two. I wouldn't give a, let me tell you. My mom would be thrilled to hear it down to two points. Oh, you got it down to two. But then I wouldn't give it. Let me tell you. My mom would be thrilled. Years later. My mom would be thrilled to hear it wasn't a cock. I think she would be totally fine with it. That's the exact joke I make in the show.

Oh, you do? I said my dad would be loved to hear from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. And my dad, he'd be proud. Yeah. That's one of those things.

There's a couple times I'm like, this is not what my parents get upset about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I don't even know what they did. What would that letter even look like? Like, what would they – they would, I guess, use vague language about – Lewd and indecent exposure. Oh, okay.

Doesn't sound good. Doesn't sound good. It sounds so much worse. It sounds like you're, like, on a playground. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah, not after hours in a college. Yeah, we had one professor we really liked, and he hated the rules, so we showed him. I was like, I'm in trouble.

I hate pussy, whatever. And he goes, lewd by definition means you were trying to get other people off. You guys were just trying to get each other off. And I was like, that's not that helpful, actually. That's not really the argument that they want to hear. This is that kind of professor that ends up sleeping with a student a couple years later. He was too cool, I think. He's like, I know the definitions of all this terminology.

Okay, so. So you dated her. I dated her, and then she ended up going to like, it was like the equivalent of like the Peace Corps. And she like moved away to like, I know, I date good, good, attracts good. And so like, she like, you know, that was like the first time I was like, oh, I'm heartbroken. good, good attracts good. And so she like, you know, that was like the first time I was like, oh, I'm heartbroken. Like, this stinks. And then I meet Kate and I'm like, oh my God, this is so much.

This is amazing. Like, the first time I never thought it would happen. I had to go to student court for pussy eating for it to happen. And then when we break up, I'm like, well, that'll never happen again. And then I meet Kate. I'm like, oh my God. So it's also like there's a rebound element too. Yeah, this is right after. Is this is this the thing you do though like did you eat her out in a very public setting as well no i once yeah what'd you do oh real bad yeah i it was it was like a trip a trip type thing camp type thing where there was a there was a camel

tent and we snuck into the camel tent the the vacant camel tent. And man, it smelled. It smelled like camel deeply. And you humped. Yeah. We humped in the hay. We had sex in the camel tent. Wow. Yeah.

Not caught, though? No. That's good. Just the camel. Yeah. He joined in. I said, this is lewd. Wait. There was a real camel? No. That's good. Just the camel. Yeah. He joined in. I said, this is lewd. Wait.

There was a real camel? Yeah. See, were you confused at all that there was a camel? Like, I was confused at what the camel tent was. Really? Is it a tent that used to house camels? I think it's strange. At a summer camp, you'd have a camel.

It wasn't a summer camp. It was a country. I'm trying to be vague. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to be vague. Oh. I was in an African country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know the kind of camps rich people go to Russell.

I was confused. I was like, what summer camps are you going to? You're in a pyramid. Okay, so you hooked up with her while at camp? Yeah. Did you make a move or did it fall into place?

Or did you have to do a... When you described your speech to the first woman, I just think what's so funny is that so much of romance and making that first move, if they're not into you, it feels like, blah. You said to her, look, I think you're scared to date and you just want to. I just could see a guy hearing that story

and going up to some girl who doesn't want him and goes, you're just scared. I was pretty sure. This wasn't my move with all women. I watched Before Sunrise right before. I got in the romantic. Oh, yeah. Like right before.

I was like, I got in the romantic movie. Oh, my God. I'm like practicing in the shower. That movie. Yeah, those movies. I don't think I could even watch it now. I think I'd feel. Oh.

I think I'd miss the idea of being so innocent. Yeah. Of just being like. But that's why those movies are good because they revisit your different types of ages. That third one. You watched the third one? Oh, yeah. I love the second one.

That second one is so great. You know, the things. That third one. You watched the third one? Oh yeah. I love the second one. That second one is so great. You know, the ending of the second one. Doesn't he finally confront her like you weren't at the train? He admits that he came back. Yeah, there's a whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ugh. Yeah. Yeah. Ugh. So, okay, so this other one, it happened. It happened.

It ended like relatively amicably, but I was sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you meet this one and then you meet the girl at the camp and you're like, oh my God god camp's so important to me she gets camp she gets me what am i gonna what am i gonna like yeah move on like no this is the most we're gonna move in yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna and so the the the tough element of this is too is i finished summer camp

graduate go to summer camp the only job i got first job out of college was teaching in scotland oh my god so i'm like i'll be back in a year we'll work at camp next year we'll just keep this going go to summer camp. The only job I got, first job out of college, was teaching in Scotland. Oh my God. So I'm like, I'll be back in a year. We'll work at camp next year. We'll just keep this going. And she's like, oh, to keep this going,

I'll come visit you for New Year's in Scotland. And so we're like, oh, we have a checkpoint for this long distance. And how long is it to New Year's? September to New Year's, right? Yeah, September to New Year's.

So wait, how long have you been together? You've been together since like June 1st, let's say. To September. Yeah. So June, July, july august yeah okay so still brief still brief that's not long but it feels intense yes um and new year's and new year's and new year's is a checkpoint we're like who can't make it to new year's yeah text bull i remember in college it was like thanksgiving was the checkpoint sure obviously and they always came back from thanksgiving

and they survived thanksgiving they came back they against guess they fucked like whatever yeah and then winter break was always where it ended yeah so so it's funny you say that so we had like uh for like a reason that's not that important i had to come home like in the beginning of the semester like my aunt got sick so i come home and i visit her at college she's a senior and we hang out it's great and i fly back to scotland. And that's probably like late October. So like two months later, I get to come home. We have this thing. I go back. Thanksgiving weekend, she breaks up with me.

So we'd like move the Thanksgiving to December thing. The exact thing you just said. We just moved that up. When you saw her. You knew you were going to see each other at Thanksgiving. You didn't know you were going to get broken up with. She broke up with me on the phone. I knew I was going to see her at the end of October. So like two months later, really like ten weeks later.

Were there any hints at it in October? Yeah, just that it was tough to keep it going. It's another country, another time zone. Yeah, it's impossible. For young people. And she's an athlete. She's like waking up at five in the morning to go to practice. Getting texts from me seven hours ahead.

Were you sexting? No. Not really. It's never been in my bag. Yeah. Are you? No. More recently,

I understand that more. We didn't have the good cameras. You know what I mean? This is an iPhone 4. It's just pixelated Mario characters. I was in high, yeah, yeah. This is an iPhone 4. You're just like pixelated like Mario characters. Yeah, I was like, I was in high school six years ago. I can't be sexting. But when she calls you.

Yeah. So she calls you. Is it like a scheduled call? Do you have any indication this is going to be the bomb? I think there's a part of me that's like, yeah, this is so hard. And like we had the meeting. Like we kind of moved up New Year's to October. Oh, got it, got it, got it.

And then I think I got the sense where I'm like, oh, like this isn't going well. Wait, so you saw each other first. End of October. End of October. And sorry, forgive me. I'm just getting the timeline. She broke up with you after this? Yes, after.

So you met. And did it feel good? Was it charged with anything or was it awkward? The first one was like I saw her twice. I was home for a week and I saw her the first weekend and then I saw her the second weekend. And the first weekend was like awesome. It was like everything I could have wanted. Like she showed me all her stuff.

I met all her people, walked around the campus, like a whole thing. Yeah. And then I came for like one extra night, like a bonus night, like the second weekend. And that one was kind of like, uh, like a little stilted. What do you think it was? Do you think she decided in between the two things? Or do you think she knew before? That's a great question.

I don't know. Like, looking back, do you think you were maybe blind that first weekend? Or do you really think she was in? I think... That's a really great question. She's probably more out than I wanted her to be. I just remember I had a girl break up with me in high school. And I just remember the day of where like, I knew something was weird.

Yeah. From the beginning of the day. We saw a show together and then she broke up with me on the way home. And it was just like, like, you know, something was off. But for you, you really felt there was a difference. Yes. From the first weekend to the second weekend, I feel it where i was like hey i'm free one more night like i can pop by and she was like okay and i was like oh like we kind of like we kind of like had the celebratory like we made this work and then it's like where are we gonna keep doing this

is exhausting yeah much oh um so how did she do it she called me i was in london on a field trip with kids and i came back from london and we had like a sunday night thanksgiving call and i emailed tim right away i was like dude she just broke up with me like i kind of could see it coming part of it's a relief but like i'm really sad um is tim where's tim tim's in new york in new york so he's not we're at her college or anything no no still like far enough a couple hours away and the next day you'll you'll you in particular i think will appreciate this next day i go to work and a kid comes in my office she's like hey i want to she's a senior so i want to apply to some colleges in america i'm like great like what's

your name and she goes my name is a sarah marshall and i like, this is nuts. It didn't, that's a detail that's not, didn't make the show, but I always love. Yeah. I'm like, yeah,

I'm going to get Sarah Marshall the next day. Um, so, uh, were you devastated, devastated? Yeah. I was also just like,

I'm in a foreign country. I don't know anybody. I had a thing that you were like, I could be excited about this thing. Yes. That didn't have to like, you're, you don't have to deal with it. I don't have to grow. I don't have anybody. I had a thing that you were like, I could be excited about this thing. Yes. That didn't have to like, you're, you don't have to deal with it in any real sense. I don't have to grow. I don't have to make friends.

Yes. I have this. You have this thing. You have this wonderful thing far away that you can kind of like. Why would I travel? Yeah. Or meet people? Yeah.

And so it's more like the reality of like, oh, I'm alone. I don't have any, the person I was texting all the time is gone. And I'm just like in Scotland dicking around yeah and so Tim and a bunch of counselors are supposed to come visit

including Kate for New Year's and that's the really devastating part where she's like and I'm not gonna come for New Year's

and I'm like you can't just like come as friends and she's like I don't think it's a good idea yeah so she doesn't come

and then I'm like Tim are you still gonna come and he's like yes I will be there and so we get to New Year's and he comes and then i'm like tim are you still gonna come and he's like yes i will be there and so we get to new year's and he comes and it's just like there's a counselor there's somebody

we know who lives like kind of close to us and tim is like gets to scotland with the group and he's like yeah i'm gonna stay with connor instead and i'm like we're best friends like why are you not staying in my place like that's so weird that you'd stay a couple blocks away so i can feel something wrong there why are you not staying with me that's so weird and you'd stay a couple blocks away. So I can feel something wrong there. Why are you not staying with me? That's so weird. And we're drinking and partying. And I don't know. Tim and I kind of work best one-on-one as opposed to being in a big group.

Sure. Sure. Yeah, I understand that. He knows that. And he's like, hey, let's go to the casino. And we'll gamble. It's New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, 4 in the morning. We go.

We gamble. We lose. We walk back to my morning. We go, we gamble, we lose. We walk back to my place. I go to make some pizza bagels. I reach down in the oven. Tim's behind me, and he says, life sucks, and then you die. And I was like, what do you mean? He goes, life sucks, and then you die.

I said, what are you talking about? And he goes, well, Kate and I are together, and we're not sorry. Tim. That's how he does it. Tim. Man. Tim.

Yeah. Okay. I had an uncle that had a mug that said, life's a bitch and then you die. And I remember as a kid being like, why is that his mug? Why does he want to have his coffee every morning with that saying on it you know i mean anyways it's tough to get your heart broken with a mug slogan that's that's the thing like like like you're also gonna just throw a generic like oh cool did you think of that tim did you think of that saying wow tim how long did it take

you to come up with that one? To be or not to be. I'm dating your ex. I don't feel bad about it. What did you say? What happened? I was really mad. First of all, I was like, why are you telling me this? In this way, it's so dramatic. It's late now.

It's five in the morning. You're never going to go to bed. It's five in the morning. You're never going to go to bed now? This is when people get murdered at five in the morning. Yeah, it's five in the morning. Do you have to be really drunk to be able to summon the courage? We weren't that drunk.

I think he just like, it was almost like we were saying goodbye to our friendship. It was like a last supper. I listen. Definitely. I get procrastinating. I totally get, I can totally understand just like- Let me tell you this. You go forward, you go-

I'm not doing that Scotland trip. If I'm Tim, I'm doing it on the phone or via text. I do have respect for that. He did say in person. He took the trip to tell you in person. Okay, so how – okay, let's – either scenario. If I start – I'm going to litigate this.

All right. If I'm saying this to you, let's think. Okay. I see – I do not think I could make it through a thing. All those things. I couldn't. All those things. I don't think I could make it through a dinner.

I would sit down and before the food came, I'd be like, waiter, one second. Yeah. Stay here for this. Yeah. Very stressful. I don't know, man. Although one time I broke up with someone. Not the same thing in terms of like, but the feeling of I'm going to break up with someone.

And I didn't do it when we, like, I didn't do it when, and it was, again, it was like a situation where I was in college going back to visit her in high school. She was a senior. And I, like, made plans to hang out that night with her. And I didn't just go and break up with her. I went and I have severe anxiety whenever this movie comes on TV. But I went. We rented in a video store Mean Girls, the movie. And during that, were you like, I should do it now?

I should do it now. Whole should do it now. Whole time. But I was like, and I knew I was putting my feet to the fire. You have to do it tonight. You have to do it. You've been putting it off. But we watched the full movie, Mean Girls, with the whole time me knowing

at the end of this movie, it's happening, Russell. And literally the credits start and I just turned and broke up. Can you imagine? That's so crazy. That is, from her perspective, that is so crazy. And she was so confused. And she should be.

It was an insane thing for me to do. So now I know how I'd do it. I would, we would hang out and I'd say, hey. You'd go to a Broadway show. I would take you to the premiere of, it's coming out soon, Mean Girls the Musical the Movie. And when it was done, and I would hope the joke of it would alleviate it a little, I'd turn to you and say, Nicole and I are starting a podcast. The upside. The upside.

I'm happy now that I'm with her. I can't believe you flew all the way to Scotland. And this is the end of the trip? This is the end of the trip. Yeah, it's been a few days. So there was a part of me... He did a whole trip, like a visit. Yeah.

Did you get a lot of one-on-one time with him or no? It was mainly group. No, it was mainly group. So he says it to you. Yeah. It's late and you go what why are you telling me this yeah i was mad i yelled i was like i was just with her like what what was happening and then like it took me a kind of a long longer we then we kind of like talked about it we have like a

good friendship like we can kind of talk about stuff we kind of talked about it and i was like you cheated and he's like no like there's no overlap and it's getting all technical it's like right she called it's like okay and then it's like what do you mean not sorry like that's like, no, there's no overlap. And it's getting all technical. She called. It's like, okay. And then it's like, what do you mean not sorry? That's like the big deal, right? It's not – from my money, I'm like, no need to include that part. Yeah. I think in their head they were spiraling being like, he's going to think we cheated.

We did nothing wrong. We did nothing wrong. We did nothing wrong. That's the company line they've come up with. And they were just probably like circling and spiraling. So they became more defensive than they needed to be on that. For themselves, probably. For themselves.

We did nothing wrong. We did nothing. They got very defensive. We're meant to be together. And they are. Are they still together? I'll get to that. They like, in that moment moment like they should have been together

the whole time had they both been single at that exact same moment they probably would have gotten together yeah i was just in the way so like my contention is not like she's my soulmate and she was stolen it's like yeah oh like you there's a million other ways you could have handled that where we could be friends yeah i'm not the guy that's like it's guy code and like she's mine like that's not my deal yeah you know it's like yeah it's also like there's a hard thing of being like you can be hurt and blah blah and they can still have this thing but to to go the thing of being like and we don't feel bad about it is is feels very aggressive yeah it's very and that's been the line ever since yeah where it's like uh there's nothing

to apologize for so so so where'd this night I mean, how long were you talking about this shit? Probably longer than he wanted. I'm a talker. So I was like, let's, like, a while. And then I did... You brought it up before, yeah. Did you care about the timeline or did you care about the betrayal?

At the time, like, you kind of, like, you're like, first you want to get the timeline right. And then, like, that, they're like, well, the defense rests. Like, there's nothing I can do about the timeline. But then you're like, well, it's all this other shit that makes me mad. And you're my confidant.

So you start reliving everything you've told him. Oh, I'm so sad she's not coming to Scotland. It's like, why would I say that? They're together. Yeah. Relive everything. And then sometimes people don't believe this. This is 1,000% true.

Right before he left, we had lost a lot of money at the casino. How much money? Two or 300 pounds each. So not a great amount. We don't have a lot of money. And of money at the casino and I said two or three hundred pounds each so like not a great we don't have a lot of money and we're at the casino and at one point he goes I hope I have enough money to get home like he's like I have lost everything and right before

he left I gave him a hug and I said do you have enough money he was like I do not need a loan from you and I said no no no have enough money? He was like, I do not need a loan from you. And I said, no, no, no, you're paying for my therapy. And then he left. Yeah.

And did you mean it in that moment? I meant it. I meant it was like, we kind of have to end with a little bit of a bit. Like, this is so funny and so tragic. Like, how could I not kind of stick it to you a little bit? Yeah. We're like, you know I'm going. Like this is so funny. Yeah. And so tragic. Like how could I not like kind of like stick it to you a little bit. Yeah. We're like you know

I'm going to need so much therapy because of this. Did you ever talk again? We worked together again at the camp. Wow. And just like weren't friends. Wow.

Why would you go back to the camp? I loved it a lot. Was she there too? She came back to volunteer for a week not for a whole summer. Oh my god. It was a tough week.

Oh my god. That's wow. And like it feels like I think that's why I do comedy because I started comedy right after this. And it was like she there too. She came back to volunteer for a week, not for a whole summer. Oh my God. That was a tough week. Oh my God, that was, that's wow. And like, it feels like, I think that's why I do comedy because I started comedy right after this and it was like,

oh, everyone's talking about me. Everyone I know in this whole universe is like, did you hear about Gabe and Tim? And I'm like, no, no,

no, I'm going to tell you everything. Like, here's everything. You don't get to like, talk behind my back about what happened to me. Here it is.

How, we didn't talk about Tim. How, how, how long was your friendship um we met sophomore year of college so we've been friends like and we lived together and we like did a bunch of stuff together so we were like very very close was he a theatery boy no but he he was like a sports guy who loved theater we kind of like matched yeah yeah um um so that was the last conversation. Like, like you, you said bye.

A therapy joke. Yeah. He went home. He went home. I called my sister and she goes, the only thing I remember from that conversation is you repeatedly saying, I'm going to be fine, but this is what happened. Yeah. Were you close with your sister in that way already? Yeah, we're pretty close. See, I, my pretty close. The big breakup I had when I was 21,

I definitely got closer with my older sisters. I mean, they're younger than me, but they're older of my four siblings. Yeah. Because, and they're really sweet about it. It was a tough, our family's not emotionally super sympathetic, but I feel like they both in that moment knew

I did not need my mom's version of sympathy. My mom, she listens. I love you. But she is a, what's the term? Prescribed. She prescribes solutions. She's prescriptive. And I did not need.

I told you the thing. She told me to try to cover me. She said, I had a guy I loved in college. Broke up. I was devastated. Then a year told me to try to cover me. She said, I had a guy I loved in college. Broke up. I was devastated. Then a year later, we went to dinner, and he reached out for my hand. And, sweetheart, I felt nothing. And to me, that's such –

I get what she's saying, but also you're like – in the moment, you're like, that's so sad. This thing that meant so much to me will one day be like, meh. Yeah. And truly not necessarily even incorrect, but it was just like not helpful. It's the same way that if I tell my mom, I'm like, fuck, this day is awful.

It's the worst day of my life. She's like, I hope so. Yeah. And it's her version of being like, I hope this is the worst day and it's all better after this. It's like that lyric from Sweet Todd, we'll get in theater kids,

that when he's singing that one thing about Joanna and he's like, I think I miss you less and less as every day goes by. And you're like, it's a very honest thing. You're like, when you lose someone, you're like, where you're like, it is so traumatic at first. And then the sad reality is that it's like,

you have to just get used to it. You know what I mean? Yeah. But that's sad. That fact is sad. I remember when my sister uh katie went through a breakup in high school and i i because my my parents i think sometimes don't know how to be sweet i tried to be that in this moment and she was very emotional but there's a part of you when

you hear like a high schooler like devastated you're like you're gonna get over it you're gonna be fine did you even fuck you're gonna be fine you're gonna be fine yeah i but in the moment it's just like yeah it's yes and it's this was a friendship breakup so it's like people don't know there's no precedent no there's not like oh like there's other fish in the sea it's like no it's your best friend it's like the person you have in the world yeah so is there no reconciliation between you and this guy? He's here today. I'm going to say something.

We may have to cut it. Okay. Okay. All right, guys, if there's a leap here, you know why. Whoa! Whoa! You know why? Whoa!

If you were to see him again in the future, how do you think that would play out? I think it would be fine. I think there's a part of it where it's like, it's been enough time where it's not like, oh, this happened two years ago, and we're not 80, where it's like, who gives a shit? Yeah. It's kind of this sweet spot where it's like,

hey, we're both fine. We're both successful in whatever we kind of do. But also, like, this happened. Wait, how long ago is it now? This happened New Year's 2015. So turning into 2015. So it's been about eight years. Yeah.

I think that's, well, you tell me. So, okay, when did he reach out to say, hey, do you want to hang out sometime? How long after? We worked together and didn't really hang out. And then, like. When you say you didn't really hang out, hey, do you want to hang out sometime? How long after? We worked together and didn't really hang out. When you say you didn't really hang out, would you say hi? We'd say hello. We'd be cordial. We'd talk about the kids sometimes.

Like, oh, this kid. Yeah, yeah. Would you go back and cry? No. It was worse than that. It's weird. And no social plans together. Different social groups at camp, like kind of separate.

I wonder if there's some version, you know, run to an ex, you might fuck, just be like, oh, we'll have sex with him. What is that with like a friend? Like one Patreon episode. Come on.

Get a couple subs. One Patreon. One Patreon for old time's sake. You know I love a paywall. And then so he, okay, so you worked together that one summer? Yeah. And then he reached out. And then he reached out in like 2016.

Oh, that's pretty soon. To see a concert. And I was like, eh, eh, like I'm not really interested in that. A question maybe related, maybe informs, what was his, with her, how long? So we can close that loop too at that point they were still together in 2016 in 2016 since and i say this on stage so i don't mind saying it they uh they broke up and you just know through the vine i found out because two counselors i was hanging out with two counselors and we were playing a board game and like two hours in they're like

by the way oh and kate broke up and i was i laughed a lot and like two hours in, they were like, by the way, when Kate broke up and I was, I laughed a lot and I was like, how did you not tell me, how was that not the first thing What kind of laugh? Was it like a,

ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,

ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,

you flipped the table. It was like, I am happy now. It was shock that they didn't tell me right away. Right. It was like that, like they forgot that I would care.

Yeah. And it took two hours. Like, like you don't see me, I'm like, oh my God, how can we not tell you? How. Right. It was like that, like they forgot that I would care. Yeah. And it took two hours. Like, like you don't see me, I'm like, oh my God, how can we not tell you? How long was their relationship?

How long, they were together? Several years. Okay. Probably like 2018 maybe. So like, they had a big chunk. It was like a real relationship.

It was a chunk. Yeah. Yeah. And what about her? Any contact with her? No. I try to make it, I originally,

I called the show, a show about friendship because people would come up to me and be like, I hate Kate. I'd be like, it's not about her. Yeah. It's about Tim. So it's the right question because people would be like,

what happened to her? And I'd be like, well, they broke up, and that's as much as I can give. Yeah. But besides that, you're like, no, no, no. The loss is the friend. Yeah. It's like I've dated other people.

I don't know if I've had another friendship quite like that one. So now, this is my emotion. This is totally based off the big breakup I went through where I was devastated, devastated, and then truly so much time had passed that i would say this is just a guess four years ago something where like it really was like a totally different corner of like and and we ended up like you know uh getting lunch and and and and are friendly now yeah and it's like but it truly was like an emotional difference that i in in that moment earlier, I would have never perceived. You know,

I truly, I was like, I'll sooner die. I like, I wanted to die. It's that intensity. Yeah. But like,

I'm on Juliet. Yeah. Yeah. And I reached, you know, not the full point. My mom said where I'm like, there's nothing.

Yeah. But I was just like, Oh, I no longer, it no longer is like, Oh, this was like, uh,

someone I was, I was supposed to be with for infinity, and it's never. It's different. How do you feel now? I also wrote a play about that relationship. That's why there's a lot. No, no, of course.

There's a lot of like, you know. Yeah. I think I've kind of mourned it, and it's like, it sucks. It will probably never be that way again. People are like, will you ever be his friend again? And I'm like, you're going A to C. Sure.

Like, could we have dinner? Could we still have a rapport? But just like, oh, you live in Florida. We don't have a lot in common. We had our thing. Like a marriage almost that kind of goes wrong. Yeah, I don't know maybe until I see him and we have a conversation. It's also this – it's been so long.

I mean it's – you can't just pick up friendships that intensely. Yeah, and I wrote a show about it. Like it's very public. There's this added element of like people feel a certain way about you. And I try to make them feel like, oh my God, it's just sad. More so than like, this guy's evil. Yeah. Do you feel like the show,

you know, when I wrote the play, there's so many details. Honestly, to a point where, as you're dramaturgically, as I was dramaturgically figuring out, it was like, well, we're going to change this, we're going to change that. And I never claimed it was like

this perfect autobiography thing. the names were changed details were changed and and by the end there there was a degree of like oh it's a show inspired by true events yeah do you feel like your show is like a full portrayal i don't claim it to be journalism so it's not i wouldn't be like fact check every detail of this but i will say when i did change the names there was a oh this is at an arm's distance where like i'm like watching like that's not even me anymore i was 22 it's like a different version of me so like it took five days in scotland for that to happen in the show it happens day of because people are just like i don don't care. Sure, sure. Tell me what happened.

Yeah. If he were to see it someday, is there any part that you think he'd go like, hey, fuck you? Probably, yeah. I'm sure he might object to have being so blunt about the non-apology thing. you would say i would say that's what

you did and also your actions in those years since it's not like a year later you're like hey man i'm sorry that how that went down that's like i wish i could have done that differently like i'm glad we ended up together but like i wouldn't have done it in the same way but like that never happened there was no like olive branch it was like we can move past this right we can go to a concert it's like no no that's not enough and was he that kind of guy in general you think though i think he's very stubborn and he's very um he has his convictions and it's like what you learn at a certain point it's like everybody's strengths and everybody's weaknesses are like the same thing it's like the thing that makes him so charismatic and so um kind of inspiring to me and like things I was jealous of him of, like that assertiveness is also the thing that like ruined my life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, it's tricky. It really is tricky. I like you wonder, like, do you think if he had said it differently in the moment, you could see a world where you would have been OK? I like to think so. I don't know yeah but given my reaction to like the non-apology thing that's the thing that's like i've stayed with and it wasn't like like in a perfect world could he have been like could he have waited and been like hey man i feel this way i don't know what to do

what do i do i'd like to think i would have been like oh that sucks but like what am i going to tell you not to be in love? Sure. I'll love somebody. Like, then it's on me. Then it's on me to decide how I'm going to react to it. As opposed to like, we did this. We didn't do anything wrong.

We're meant to be together. What you had didn't matter. It was short. She didn't even like you that much. Like, it was like very minimizing. Yeah. I think the only thing that I have to give him credit for is the flying to to see you it's kind of ballsy it really is like now i know if russell ever says anything shady to me he's

gonna text it and i'll be like oh well it's nice for you to text me for once twitter dm uh twitter dm oh my god um oh man you want to buy some bitcoin i if, if I'm, I don't know, the two worst things. If I'm quitting the podcast or having an affair with Tova, I'll see you in person, I'll tell you. That's beautiful. See? We're healing. Now, especially now with the fucking thought I had was,

which one would be worse? God. I mean, if you start dating To tova this podcast will get real interesting you need more mics we wouldn't need guests anymore we'd have enough drama every day we moved in together um well that's has has do you feel like do you feel over it and now you're like it was so significant now you're capturing this moment. Again, to bring back to the play, there was a degree of like, if I had done that play like two years earlier, I would have been crying every night at the end.

Yeah. And then by the time I did it, I had reached new resolution. I was just more fine. Yes. I was more fine about it. And there's just a degree of like, you know, I'm not the first to have said this but you know how they say you see a star and that's what it looked like three years ago or whatever because that's oh yeah it's like that's what all art is yeah even if you're trying to make it so so personal

yeah i think that's a great analogy i do feel over it i will say the way i kind of like set up the show is like my mom gets sick she's fine my mom gets sick and i have these bros in my life who are like maybe i'm not as i don't have as personal relationship with and they kind of don't know what to do when my mom gets sick and so that's kind of the thing that jumps me into the tim story which is like oh like i don't really have anybody to talk to this talk with this about yeah i had a best friend this is what happened and so it's like am i over it yes i'd like to think so um and like the bros get there like oh i love them too in their own kind of fucked up way um so i do think there's like again a two years distance i started working on this in 2019 and like it was bad like it wasn't even emotional bad it was just like wasn't good

yeah um and when you work on something a long time, it starts to become what you want it to be. I'm sure as you know with your show. Yeah. It never... It was still... It could have been better. Sure.

It could have been better. Of course. Well, you can always do... I mean, listen. You can always... Oh, Tova would love it if I said, Hey, Tova, guess what? I'm bringing back the play about my ex.

And I'll say, Gabe is the one who told me to do it here's his address um you can't do one person's storytelling you're successful you don't have to do this no but it is a thing with with men i think it's uh it can be i i had a i had a piece of good news recently and And I called the three guys from my sketch team. And I could tell you they all were able to give some part in a different way. They each have... I would say Chris, our friend Chris,

and I think it's because his family is just this fully functioning, very emotive system. I think he knows exactly how to respond. I think I called, and you did great. I was napping. I wish I could have given you a little more. But I understand. I was calling from an airport.

I was in a good enough mood. But it's tough. I don't even know what I'm looking for. I answered. I don't even know what I'm looking for. But Chris was like, yeah! Like if he was in public,

like he made a scene. Yeah. And I think some people, you say and they go, they're like, cool! I don't think I said that. No, I was... it was my friend Douglas

he was like you're gonna be on Kevin Hart's LOL network Douglas is great I'm not saying I think Douglas and I are probably we have similarities we have a certain similarity and I think like

it's just not knowing what to do we have similarities. Yeah. We have a certain similarity and I think like the full, it's not knowing what to, it's just not knowing what to do fully. It's wanting to do it. Yeah. But it's like, Chris,

I just think like, like he was, he was fist pumping like in the middle of the grocery store. Yeah. And I just think it's because he has a family

that communicates and expresses constantly in that way. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm proud of you. Thank you. I just think it's because he has a family that communicates and expresses constantly in that way. All right. Well, I'm proud of you. Thank you. I texted after, too.

It was very sweet. So did Douglas. I feel so conscious. And that's how you can tell. When you get a text after, it's kind of like, here's more. Yeah. Yeah. It's sweet. You all are great.

You all are great. But it's moments like that good and bad where you're like i don't i didn't even tell my dad yet yeah because because then he goes what is that yeah yeah yeah pain in the ass yeah but uh uh all right let's go on to our next segment i'm gonna miss my yoga class but that's fine it's tova's birthday today what are you doing tonight i got reservations at a restaurant. I got bagels this morning. I apologize.

I said to Russ, I said I thought I was going to get a bunch of bagels. And I was like, I'll bring bagels to the podcast. And then I got to the place and it's like, it's not a place that you buy a bunch of bagels. It's two bagels for $50.

You think the Jews are cheap? Oh my God. Go buy a bagel at fucking Russ and Daughters and you tell me the Jews are cheap. The Jews are cheap so we can save money so we can buy fucking bagels in the morning, okay? That's why. So I apologize. That's okay.

Let me pay for your lunch. Okay, I'll send you a Venmo. Good. Let's go to our This Has Gotta Stop. Yeah. Say your thing. Say it. This Has Gotta Stop.

Wait, what? I want you to do the song. Oh, this has got to stop. Okay, this has got to stop restaurants. Not restaurants. That's not a good enough term. Let me phrase this correctly. This has got to stop businesses

not having red Gatorade. Every business in New York City that I go to has blue or white. Who the fuck is drinking the white Gatorade? Who?

We all want red Gatorade. Everyone wants red Gatorade, okay? It's the illusion that we're hydrating, but it's fruit punch. It reminds us of childhood. And every fucking Dunkin' or I guess I've been to really bad places, but everyone has- Dunkin' is the only place you've gone.

Everywhere has blue and white. And I don't even really like blue, but I wanted something other than my coffee today too. And I'm just sick of it. Where is red gatorade is it because it's so popular it's sold out i don't know but i'm telling you gatorade make more red then because i don't know what everyone's trying to pawn off the blue and the white and i'm just frustrated by it i've never seen one person drink the white gatorade i can't imagine it tastes good what flavor is it exactly it's white gatorade it looks like cum mixed with water. It looks horrible. It is thick.

It looks like a horrible, horrible, like is it water? No, it's thicker than water. It doesn't, it's awful. So anyways, this has got to stop, not having red Gatorade. Very relatable. I'm a yellow Gatorade guy. Really? I've always been a yellow, I mean I haven't had Gatorade, but my dad, like, used to drink.

He used to buy, like, gallons, and he'd drink it. Horrible, horrible things. But, like, I love yellow. Blue's fine. I don't like it that much. I want red. Red's classic. My This Has Got to Stop.

Why is it? Wait, talk for a second. Hello, hello, hello. Okay, good okay good good good god I hate this um my this has gotta stop I watched

my this has gotta stop people producing documentaries about themselves yes this is garbage yes this is propaganda

yes and I always go in and I go like ooh I am fascinated by Arnold Schwarzenegger's life. What an interesting life. Three-part documentary, weightlifting, acting, politics. This is a fascinating man.

I would love to see it. And like 15 minutes in, you're just like, oh, this is promoting your brand. And it's shots of him smoking cigars and and looking real tense and and like the only like pitfalls are oh i got second place in mr universe and then next year i got number one and you're like what about he talks about using steroids and he's just like yeah i use steroids sometimes i'm like i want to hear about did fuck up your balls did you did you get mad they show it someone he dated and then just move on. I want to hear about how you became Mr. Universe and

said, I want to fuck other people, sweetheart. I want to know about that fight. Instead, they get her for a moment and be like, yeah, he was really muscly. I was smoking a cigar. And he got to this part, he talks about how his dad, who abused him, his brother died in a drunk driving accident.

He was drunk. And then his father died. And it drunk driving accident he he was drunk and then his father died and it's like a week apart and all it goes like yeah it didn't uh it didn't affect me it didn't affect me you know nietzsche says uh what doesn't kill you make you stronger for me make me stronger for my brother didn't kill him i love this back to the mr universal pageant and i'm like are you out of your fucking mind and it's in that moment where I'm like, this doesn't look good. You seem psychotic here. You seem psychotic. All of them in different ways are that when you're self-producing or it's propaganda.

Although every single documentary that has come out about a pop star and how hard it is to be a pop star and how they kill themselves over it it they look insane they're weeping they're crying their bodies are falling apart and you're like okay you're playing a soul that show madison square garden calm down like they're like and i don't i feel bad for you i don't feel bad for you and why are you trying to prove on film to like be like see how hard i'm working eat it up yes you saw neth psycho there's a taylor swift clip and like it is a moving clip where it's like her dad, who I didn't even realize it was dad. You think it's her manager, the way he's talking. Yes. It was like, don't come out against this governor.

And the mom's like, let her speak. And it's great cinema. But there's just a part of you. A of all, you're like, you're not seeing her hitting the assistant. I should be careful. You know, Swift. You got to be really careful. We love her. We love her. We love her. A of all you're like you're not seeing her hitting the assistant I should be careful you know Swift you gotta be really careful we love her we love her

but the second thing is just like yeah I get that it's brave to make this decision but you could have made it all along the way you could have easily come out against this like you brought yourself to this position that requires it just feels like because it's being filmed it just it's

the propaganda feeling like where you're like anytime you feel like you're watching propaganda you're like even if it's like fine or or like you don't have qualms with it it feels gross to watch propaganda and it's it's whether it's that thing with taylor swift or it's lady gaga like shaking on a table like and i know she has medical things but you're like this it's whether it's that thing with Taylor Swift or it's Lady Gaga like shaking on a table and I know she has medical things but you're like, it's just this thing where you're like I don't need to see one more thing about how hard it is to be

You can't make a film about yourself. It's just a rule. Like it just, it should, like there should be a disclaimer on the top like Arnold edited this. Well the craziest one too recently was that Bama sorority documentary have you seen that one no i haven't okay well what's crazy about it is it's covering like how the alabama sorority this famous sorority in alabama that's like really hard to get into it's a whole business around it

so it's basically being like like you know there's people coaching these girls and it's a whole thing it's a nightmare it's based on your looks your, there's weird race things happening in it, blah, blah, blah. All this to say that the person making the documentary somewhere along the way decides that it's also about her self at with alopecia and is like, and like halfway through the documentary, she's like, yes, that's how I felt. Cause I didn't have hair.

And you're like, what are you talking about? And it makes- You're 28. No, no, she's like 40. It makes no sense. She's like, these girls are trying to fit in. Like, I tried to fit in when I didn't have hair.

And she makes herself like part of the thing. And you're like, man, this was not, you have got the wrong thing. You should have started with an alopecia documentary, not starting with this thing and then just being like, I'm not really going to cover that. I'm going to talk about myself. Like it is really, really crazy. You think she tried pitching that first and they were like, I don't think anyone cares about this.

It's just funny because it sneaks in. It's like halfway in, they show you interviewing one of the girls and she's like – and the girl says something about asks kind of about the director's bald head and you're like what why are we watching this part and then it then it kind of creeps in then she's talking about her childhood and wearing a wig and no one knew she had alopecia and all this whole thing and you're like what the fuck does this and it's all about like she didn't fit in you're like no one fits in you could have made a documentary about anything and turned it on yourself because that's what you kind of wanted to do the whole time, didn't you? You kind of wanted to do that the whole time, didn't you?

I just think it's indicative of just like – it's phony being personal. It's phony sentimentality, and it's getting points for things you shouldn't get points for, and I hate it. There's a word for it. Hagiography. Oh, yes? Yeah. It's like a word to describe what you're talking about. Yeah.

Help me define it. Hagiography is like- I believe it's like a documentary with a particular slant to make somebody- Sure. Sure. Or like a- We got a definition here? Oh, no.

Sorry. You're texting. I'm looking at my Uber. I was like, oh oh i'm seeing what i'm seeing how long it'll take me to get hagiography i trust you though i think that's probably definitely what it is um what's your this has got to stop this has got to stop i don't like the way that people talk about gen z being on their phones in the sense that they're like they're all video editors every single one of them is has a thousand thousands of youtube subscribers and all of them are just like making

content constantly because like i work in high school and they're just like i play chess on my phone like yeah none of them are like like i had one girl who had a slime account with like 300,000 followers in like 2017 and it was like whoa like holy cow like and she was like, whoa, like, holy cow. And she was like, yeah, my face isn't in them. It's just my hands. She just liked slime. But for the most part, I've never met a kid who just is making shit. And they're just teenagers.

It would be like when we were in high school. People were like, millennials are going to be great writers. They're always texting. And it's like, we're not writing. Any of those generalizations about, it's hard, any of those generalizations about about uh it's hard any of those generalizations about any like age or generational thing yeah it feels so limiting and feels so like it's hard to not feel certain ways about it when you see things you're like oh yeah but it's also anytime you actually say it out loud you feel so old or you sound so old

like when i hear someone talking about like gen z i'm like loud, you feel so old or you sound so old. Like when I hear someone talking about like Gen Z, I'm like, okay, grandpa. You know, you're like, you're like, cause you're like, they did the same thing. When people, people, our parents would be like millennials. You're like, you know, or sometimes people still fuck it up and they're still like millennials. Like millennials are 40. Shut the fuck up. And broke.

We're like 40 and broke. And so it's just one of those things where it sounds so old to to have any sweeping generalization just because we have the words to describe different generations doesn't mean we should use them all the time with each other the fighting of the you know we can all agree that boomers are the worst but uh no no uh but like but but but uh any of those kind of it's very limiting and boring, I think, that generational stuff. Yeah, but I can feel it. That is the crazy thing. I can feel –

Feel certain things. The number of times – every time I hear a Gen Z person say the word unalive, every time I hear the term – Set something off in you. They say unalive. There's something in me that I'm like – You're right. That is one of the worst ones for some reason. And there's something in me that goes like, you are incorrect. You're right. That is one of the worst ones for some reason. And there's something in me that goes like, you're incorrect.

You're incorrect. You've made this word longer. It means the same thing. It literally, it literally is the same thing. It sounds nicer, which it shouldn't sound nice. They're getting around a sensor,

right? It's like an algorithm thing. Well, I think it might've started like that. That's my, also the other thing where I'm like, I think this is because, so your TikTok could go viral and not get the sound taken off yeah so china you're gonna be approved by

china yeah you know like yeah um yes i think yeah but there is something about it where you're like no it it's a that term you know i don't know you say you still say the f word and i always say you fucking millennial. That's what we cut out before. You fucking millennial. By the way, that skip that we had that had nothing to do. I went on a slur spree. Slur spree.

Classic Russell. Do the blessing song, please. You've got to count your blessing. You didn't even get the words right. Jesus Christ. Let me try it, and then I'm going to make you do it, Gabe, so listen, because you're a choir boy. Oh, I don't know if I can.

You better count your blessing. Gabe. You better count your blessings. I tried my best. I guess you're replaced. Do you have a blessing, Russell?

Yes. Actually, my blessing is Tova. It's her birthday, but I'm not blessing her because of her birthday. That's exciting for her. But she's been so helpful in doing this thing, this process. but not i'm not posting her because of her birthday that's exciting for her but um uh she's been so helpful in the doing this thing this process and uh it'll be way past it uh

whatever but uh she's been so helpful because you know without her i would have given up a million times on certain things and uh it's been so helpful to have someone be like, here's this. And it's like you keep being like, there's nothing there. Without someone like that, I could see myself in a vacuum being like quitting on so many of the things I would like. So that's been very helpful

and I'm very grateful for her in that. Yeah, I'll say with Tova, aside from being an excellent, excellent manager, of course, she's just very comedically talented. Yes. There's few people in the business who could really talk to you from a point where she could easily be a writer. She could easily be a creative. That's really great.

Yeah. And it's helpful to have someone that you really trust in that role where you're like you know more than other people where you're just like like i really fully trust you to help guide it so yeah um my blessing is very specific uh i i headlined uh the the comic strip in Edmonton, Canada. And there's a manager there. The manager's name is Dino. And I think he's been there from the beginning.

Great name. Just like a dude. I lost the keys to the condo. He brought them to me. That's blessing number one. But he makes the drinks. He kind of runs a lot of stuff. And he loves to prank.

And I'm at least, I'm fine enough where I'm not terrified. But there were two things. I was wearing shorts. I've started wearing shorts on stage. And I'm not going back. Love it. Oh my god. Summer, baby.

He said, come out in the hallway real quick. And I had that feeling of like, uh-oh. And he told all the other comics to get out of the hallway so we could talk. And he said, OK, two things. And he told all the other comics to get out of the hallway so we could talk. And he said, okay, two things. One, you could see when you put your foot on the stool, your penis was visible. And he said the mouse came out of the house.

And part of me was like, there's no way. The mouse came out of the house? The mouse came out of the house is what he said. And I was like, there's no way. There's no way. But I was nervous. And I went to the part where I was looking at my shorts like putting a mirror i don't think so i think the mouse came out of the house and then the the host looked very young and he joked about being very young and and i did it's a cheap shot but i said uh give it up for him it was his make a wish

to open for the show blah blah blah and he came and he said just you know he did have a cancer diagnosis when he was six and he is an actual make-a-wish kid so just you know when he came and he said he just you know he did have a cancer diagnosis when he was six and he is an actual make-a-wish kid so just you know when he came off stage he looked a little bit rattled but you had said that and again like probably was like so much for it was like just you know he is dying of cancer this is his final set and part of me knew it wasn't but he he truly did it so convincingly that i i had to later go up to this kid and ask him. Oh, my God. Wow.

It's so funny. And I asked him. And he did not have cancer in Fort. Do you know? Do you know? Classic do you know. Just like, just character, funny, and when it mattered, when I needed the key to the condo because I lost it, delivered.

Yeah. Showed up. I will show up. That's a big thing. Do you have a blessing other than your friend Tim? Yeah, my friend Tim and my show. My blessing is I have two friends right now. And one of them got gastricric bypass surgery and the other one got

diagnosed with diabetes and so like the two people i hang out with the most and like get dinner with are now just like on a strict like very regimented diet and it kind of feels like i'm like the last guy doing heroin where i'm like yeah like you guys don't want pizza and they're like nope yeah um and i am really grateful for them just like, it's kind of like inspiring. You're like, oh, you guys are both like changing your lives in a way that like needed to happen. Like it was time.

And they're different, but I'm each watching them like grow. And I'm like, this is cool. Or not grow. I'm watching them shrink. But like be disciplined in a way that where I'm like, oh, shit. Like that's more disciplined than I'm being. Like'm watching them shrink. But like, be disciplined in a way where I'm like, oh shit, that's more disciplined

than I'm being. You guys are amazing. Oh my God, we had Sam Morrison on and like, I've never had like a close friend with diabetes but you hear about it

and you're like, God damn, this is complicated. Yeah. It's really hard. God damn, this is complicated. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, that's good. Shout out to them. Something we do for our Patreon members, patreon..com slash downside we're going to flash your names across the screen um uh while russell reads i think two jokes here we have a lot of patrons right now uh this is from jackie's jokes the ultimate collection from jackie martling uh so read this one first again if you want to join the patreon you get your name on the youtube patreon.com slash downside russell mcdonald goes to hell and he's met by the devil the devil says the punishments are changed every thousand years you have your choice of three rooms the first room

has a young guy strapped to a pole being whipped the next room has a middle-aged guy being tortured with fire the third room has an old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a pretty blonde mcdonald says i'll take the third room the devil taps the blonde on the shoulder and says okay miss you can stop this guy's replacing you oh i see okay phobic undertones to that one um wait uh let me just see this um do you know any street jokes um my favorite is uh how do you get a nun pregnant how you fucker hey all right let's do one more okay what the fuck this is hard schmidlap stukowski and washington are arguing about who has the biggest dick they go out on

the observation deck of the empire state building and hang them over schmidlap says check it out this beauty reaches down to the 68th floor stokowski says that ain't nothing this baby's dangling down past the 34th floor they look over and see washington doing a jig jumping back and forth schmidlap yells over, What the hell you doing? Washington says, Dodging traffic. You don't get it? I don't get it. His dick is so long it's gone all the way to the street, so he's

got to jump around to make sure it doesn't hit the car. I just feel like... What are the chances? I just don't really understand that one. What do you mean you don't understand that one it's a lot of it's a lot of like maneuvering in your mind to like make it all make sense do you know what i mean huge cock they're on the empire state building it's too tall no one's cock is that big it's it's so heightened that i i can't even i can't even connect to it at all it's heightened, it's lengthened it's everything

so this episode, this is a great episode this episode is coming out July 25th what would you like to plug, Russell? come see Titanic the musical at the Daryl Roth Theater and follow me on Instagram at Russell J. Daniels.

Gabe, anything you want to plug? Yeah. It comes out the 25th, the 27th in Washington, D.C. I'm doing the show at Union Stage, which is like a theater. And then September 20th at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles. So come see Solo.

We'll put links in the bio. For me, guys, I'm at JFL right now. I'll be headlining. This is in Montreal tonight at 10.30 p.m. on a Tuesday, also known as prime time for comedy. Russell and I will be doing a live podcast taping in Montreal for JFL, the 26th at 2.30 p.m. Yes, tomorrow.

Guest is probably announced tomorrow. I'll be headlining again the 28th. Vancouver, I'll be there the weekend after that. August 10th in Atlanta. August 11th through 12th in Raleigh, North Carolina. And again, join the Patreon, patreon.com slash downside. And as my mom would say, no matter how much pain you may be feeling, be comforted by the fact that one day you'll feel nothing. This is the downside.