The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #154 Lady Parts Carpentry with Jordan Jensen

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

Comedian Jordan Jensen joins to discuss getting catcalled in a tool belt, her sister being blackmailed, only having make-up sex, all her male comedian friends dating 23-year-olds, custody battles, trauma bonding, and what it’s like staying in a hotel room next to Gianmarco & his girlfriend. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Jordan on Instagram, TikTok, & YouTube See Jordan in a city near you: https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/upcoming-shows Listen to Jordan's podcast, Bein' Ian with Jordan Get tickets to our live podcast recording in NYC on September 11 here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-downside-with-gianmarco-soresi-live-podcast-recording-tickets-676154224487 Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by A Real Pain. From Searchlight Pictures comes one of the buzziest films at Sundance Film Festival, A Real Pain. Written, directed, and starring Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg alongside Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin. Witness a hilarious and moving story about two mismatched cousins as they tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th. Welcome to The Downside. Our guest is here. You've heard her before if you're a fan. She was on the episode with who, Russell? A little trivia. Oh, I don't know. I wasn't there. Ian Lara. Wait, you don't listen to the episodes when you're a fan. She was on the episode with who, Russell? A little trivia. Oh, I don't know. I wasn't there.

Ian Lara. Wait, you don't listen to the episodes when you're not on? No. Great. I don't listen to the episodes I'm on. Do you listen to the episodes? Yeah, I gotta pull the fucking clips. How do you think this functions? Do you think a magic

fairy does all the stuff? Do you watch the episodes back? I listen back. That's why you're always walking around all glum. Yeah, I'm just like, well, no clip here. Russell really did not do a yes and on that riff. Your phone all good? It's all good. I'll make sure it's off.

We'll move to the downside again. We'll move to the downside a million times. This is a place where we can get negative. We can complain. We can kvetch. We can bitch. we can moan uh my name is jimarcus arese i'm here with my co-host russell daniels hi nice to meet you jordan hi i was you yes yes yeah yeah well it was a it was a non-traditional and i remember what we never

had you as a formal guest that's right i just was the host and we had ian laur on right after his mom passed away very intense yeah it was literally he came from the funeral to the, and we had Ian Lahr on right after his mom passed away. Very intense. Yeah, it was literally. He came from the funeral to the pod, and we said, talk to us about it. No. No, I know. No, you're right. Yeah. That was the right reaction. We've also had your podcast co-host, Ian.

Ian. Twice. He's co-hosted before. He's co-chaired before. He really takes thehosted before. He's co-chaired before. He really takes the lead, though. He's the only co-host where I have to say, stop touching the box, Ian. Stop pressing the buttons.

Oh, yeah. He likes the buttons a lot. I'm having a chaotic day. So I have this new air conditioner. That's why it's cool. Thanks for noting, Russell. Thanks for saying thanks. Is this your apartment? This is... Here's the problem. Everyone always asks.

You know those questions on a podcast where everyone always asks the question? And then every podcast episode I have to recount, it was Tova's place, and now Tova's in my place, and this is Tova's thing. You guys live together in your place? Yeah. That little place? Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Geez. That's wild? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Jeez. That's wild. I've done worse. How? We have plenty. You went in the podcast studio. There's a bedroom, too. We don't sleep in the old podcast studio.

I feel like it was this size, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Well, what, do you need to live in a mansion? You live with another person? What... Where's the last time... Have you lived with a guy?

Yes. Yeah? Yeah. How big of a place were you staying? It was quite small, but I was 23 years old. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You live in a place this big.

You tall-ass Amazonian motherfuckers live in... Amazonian? The word Jewish has fucked... Amazonian? You and Tova are like the tallest people ever You guys tower over Tova is 5'8 What are you?

5'7? No she's taller than me I'm 5'9 Oh maybe she wears heels No she certainly Does not wear heels At Moon Tower She was moon towering

Over me She is not wearing heels I'll tell you that I don't I think I'd probably Be better in heels Than Tova would She's not

How tall is she? Boy She's 5'10". Blue eyes. Beautiful. 5'8". She's not 5'8". If she's 5'10", there's no way she's 5'10". She'd be in the WNBA 5'10". I'm 5'9". She's taller than me. I'll text her right now.

We don't have to play a Mr. Game. The thing is, I went to go put in the AC. I thought there were all these other things in the AC. I thought, there were all these other things in the box. I thought I could just smoosh it in the window, smash down the window, we're done.

Yeah. And then there was all these metal things and I didn't know what to do. And I was like, let's just forget these metal things. I put it in there very clearly. You need these metal things.

Yeah, you need those. And I had to get a task rabbit, so they're coming at 5.30. Oh, that's really... This is on, but it's... It's on, but it's leaning against the glass. Glass could shatter any second. Why don't you just look up a how-to video?

Don't loop me into this. The amount of comedians who have installed their AC, it is a square hole with a square box. You know what I mean? Put the box in the hole. But the box is not big enough. The box has directions on it. It's easier than an Ikea dresser.

You do what it says. You literally used to be a carpenter. I know, but that's why people can't do this. I'm the dumbest retard on the planet. I'm the dumbest idiot. I can build a house. You can't put a goddamn... Thanks for changing the R word to idiot, Jordan. That's great. That's a real progressive movement we got there.

Sorry. No, it's fine. That's a real progressive movement we got there. I love... No, it's fine. It's fine. No, no, you listen. You wouldn't be the first. Russell, oh my god. This is a chaotic start, but I did... Russell had a story. I wanted Russell to tell the

story because I feel like it's the opposite of what I got. I texted, so I'm doing the show and... He's in a show off Broadway,. I texted, so I'm doing the show. He's in a show off Broadway, Titanic. It's a musical. And the other day, you know, it was a while ago, this person in the audience came up to me after the show.

And, you know, they were big. They were maybe the biggest person I've ever seen in my life. And they... Fat? Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

Well, I was trying to be nice. I guess fat's not bad. I'm fat. We say big as in comedy, like Chappelle's big. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. They were not famous. They were...

They might have been Ripley's, but they were not famous. They were fat. They were fat, fat. And, you know, I'm fat. I take a break. They were... But they were fatter than me, and which is fine i talk to anyone um and uh it's very but they came up to me and they were like can i they hadn't look in their

eyes like they were going to say something really sweet to me and uh they're like they're like just wanted to say that body representation matters. That's all they said to me. They said nothing about my performance. They just looped me and them in the same, we're in the same boat. Are they sinking a boat? What was the tone? I mean, what do you mean?

Like, how did they say it? Yeah, what did they say? They were like, they like, they like waved me down, you know? And then I was like, oh, hi. And they were like, they like put their arm on my shoulder. And they were like, body representation matters. And did that. And then like walked away.

How big were they? I mean. That's such a mean thing to do. I know. Well, that's what I'm saying is like, why? No, listen. It would have been fine if they said this. Loved your performance.

You were so funny. Great to see another big person, fat person, whatever person up there. Like, I would have accepted that. That's fine. Because what they're saying is you were in this because you're fat. Yeah. And also, that's not it. It's like going up to a black person and being like,

affirmative action matters. But I'm saying, certainly if a white person did it. No, but it's not exactly that. They didn't say he got it because he was fat. a black person did it. What if he went up to you and they said,

hey, great performance. What did they use to reinforce the stage with? Because I'd love to be a performer. I mean, that would be hilarious. I think that I would be like, you're my friend now.

Because we're hanging to be a performer. I mean, that would be hilarious. I think I would be like, you're my friend now. That we're hanging out. The Downside. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi. Thank you for listening.

If you're a fan, join the Patreon. Okay? We need some money. Patreon. Thank you for listening. If you're a fan, join the Patreon. Okay? We need some money. Patreon.com slash downside. Extra episodes, live episodes, including the one

we just recorded at Just for Laughs coming out soon. And my clean comedy special, The Rats Are In Me, Patreon.com slash downside. And if you want to see me live,

join the email list in the show description. Jordan. Yeah? Jesus Christ. I'm texting John Marco. Are you texting the next podcast you're late for? Join the email list in the show description. Jordan. Yeah? Jesus Christ. I'm texting John Marco. Are you texting the next podcast you're late for? I'm always late for podcasts.

I don't know how to... What is that? That's not a statement. I don't know how to do time. You're not late for seller spots, so yes, you do. I almost... Dude, my first six months there, I was in big trouble all the time. It was crazy.

It took me forever to figure it out. If I don't know where I'm going and the thing says 36 minutes, for some reason in my head, I'm like, that is 28 minutes. That's what that is. So when you're breaking it down like that, I think I have trouble listening to it because I go,

what the fuck are you talking about? So don't do that. I can't help it. It can't help it. It's something that happens. I've talked about it on Jim and Sam because they, it's a morning show and I'm always like an hour and a half late for them. And I think it's an ADD thing. Like I'm out the door and then I see something like a sticker is stuck to my, you know, the door frame and

then I got to get it off. I got to get the sticker off. And then all of a sudden 12 minutes has passed. I've like just been sitting there thinking while I'm scratching the sticker and then I'm like, oh fuck, I got to go. It's crazy. We have a friend who's late all the time. Who is it? Oh. Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please. I can't. You don't know him. Okay. But it's hard. It's hard to accept that there's any justification for it. Really?

Yeah. That's me. Yeah. All my friends are so mad about it. I mean, the amount of, like, I need to sit down and talk to you, and I'm like, I know that I'm late. I've been fired from every job I've ever had. Well, let me have the conversation with you that I'd like to have with my friend.

Please. It's interesting. It makes you so mad. It doesn't make me as mad. Why doesn't it make you mad? Oh. Why doesn't it make you mad? I don't know.

It just doesn't, really. It doesn't make me mad. To me, because I go, because part of me wants to go, hey, I'd love if we could just decide what time, a different time. Do you want to do 15 minutes later? That's great. Yeah. But there's a thing of like you're asking all of us to be there and then you come. Why not?

This is just logic, living life, figuring it out. You need to change. I don't. I have a job where it allows me to be late. I've worked my entire life to get to a place where I'm allowed to walk in places late and not get in trouble. I have been a contractor, which I hate doing. I hate doing carpentry. I hope this air-conditioned person shows up on time. I'll tell you that right now. They won't. I did that job so that I could lie to people. I started my own business

so I could say, hey, I have meetings till noon so that I could show up for work at noon or at one. Are you still a contractor? No. She's a very successful partner. No, I know. I just didn't know if side sometimes... No, never. I'm not a poor.

What was the name of your company that you started? Lady Parts Carpentry. Lady Parts Carpentry. I had to make it that name because everybody thought I'd be a man showing up. And they hated it. I would show up. They'd be like, Jordan, that's good. And then I'd show up, be a woman, and they'd be like, uh-oh. And I'd be like.

You could really see the light leave through us. Oh, yeah. And then they would follow me around the whole thing. They'd follow me around and make sure I was doing it right. It was awful. And I was like, I've been doing this for 10 years. You fucking can't put an AC in. It was so annoying.

It was crazy. I mean, even the women or just the guys? No, women would hire me because they were like, I don't want dudes in my house while I'm in here alone. Sure. That's a good angle for marketing. Totally. But men would hire me

just because they would see Jordan Jensen. And then I would show up and they'd be like, I don't know if I should sexualize you, if I should burn you on a steak,

if I should hang you, rape you. No, they didn't do that. Good. But there were some times where I would show up and they'd be like, oh, ho, ho.

And I'd be like like I don't know how am I supposed to respond to this what was that noise you just made oh a lady it was crazy dude you know what it is you put a woman in a tool belt and people go porn immediately immediately if I'm walking outside

I've never been cat called more in my life than when I have a tool belt it's crazy like now it never happens but if I put a tool bag. It's crazy. Like, now it never happens. But if I put a tool bag on, people are like, oh, working lady, you got – hey. Dude, I would get so mad. I would hide all of the – even if I had painty pants. What do you think that is? I'm trying to think.

Like, if I saw – I mean, if I saw a woman in a tool bag, I'd say, could you help me with AC, please? Yeah. I would never. Do they do tool things? Like, I'll bang you like that hammer. Yeah, totally. I'll screw you. Driver?

Well. I'm not a good cat caller. I've never done it. Russ, what do you say when you yell at women? I don't use words much. It's just me like, argi, argi. Oh, God. Oh, God.

I was with a friend, and there was a woman wearing a comic and this woman wearing yoga pants with a little see-through section or a square and he was like I like a slice of that pie that's a nice little slice he said that to her or to you?

he said it to her and I was sitting there like I'm supposed to do something I'm supposed to do something. I'm supposed to go, hey, man. You're not supposed to do something. Man to man. No. Crazy?

That would be crazy. I would be more mad at you than I would be at the cat caller. The woman's like, hey. Hey, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. It's your problem. It's the problem in my leg. I can deal with myself here.

You think I have a hole cut out just to not get attention? Fuck you, dude. I'll fight this guy myself if I need to. I'd be mad at you. I've had a couple. There was one time I was with a friend of mine. I'm sending this text. I'm listening.

I'm listening really intently. Who are you texting? I have to text Ian Fidance. Okay. All right. God damn it. Did you ever fuck up anything while you were doing the Carpetry? Yes.

What was the biggest fuck up? Did you ever fuck up anything while you were doing the Carpetry? Yes. What was the biggest fuck up? Let's see. The biggest fuck up. That's really tough. Actually, ironically, Ian fucked up a job pretty good for me.

What did he do? He just cut through a load-bearing wall. When you say load-bearing, you mean the building is maintained structurally? yeah yeah so i had to go in and quickly put a post up in there what's the worst thing you know what i probably did that was fucked up is i i laid as this woman wanted a cement floor which you can't do in new york you can't lay a you can't lay it that thick without reinforcing it from the basement so i was like okay we'll do a skim coat of the cement over plywood. And I thought I had it down. I thought I had made it thick enough, but it wasn't thick enough,

so the whole floor cracked. That's probably the worst thing I've done. That's probably the worst thing. Do you ever get scared that you're going to do something, then she's going to make dinner and falls through the floor and dies? No, I make sure that. I mean, that's the hard thing about New York is you open up a wall, all of a sudden you see that somebody's hooked up

the wiring all fucked up, right? And you're like, I shouldn't have opened up the wall, but if I close it up, I'm going to be staying up all night with my OCD being like, oh, man, I should have fixed that. So then you go in and you're like, fuck, now I have to undo all this retard...

all this fat person's wiring. Yeah, that's what I, I was stressed with this, this AC is leaning against the window. Oh yeah, AC's scary. And all day I was scared, I mean this one is not going to fall, but I was scared it was going to break the glass,

and I've just been thinking about that all day. Break the glass? Like, because it's leaning against the window, and I was imagining it was going to come back here, glass would be shattered, Tova would kill me, and I've just been thinking about that all day. Break the glass? Because it's leaning against the window, and I was imagining I was going to come back here, glass would be shattered, Tova would kill me, and it'd be a mess. I'm always scared when I put in ACs on a second floor or third floor that I'm going to Mista Mista somebody.

Mista Mista? Yeah. What is it? Happy Gilmore? The Mista Mista, get me out of here. You don't know Mista Mista, lady? No. Wow. Happy Gilmore. Happy Gilmore when his, the Mista, Mista, get me out of here. You don't know Mista, Mista lady? No. Wow.

Happy Gilmore. Happy Gilmore. Yeah. AC falls on the lady? AC falls on a lady at his mom's or maybe his aunt's grandmother's nursing home. Oh. And she goes, Mista, Mista. And he goes, I got to go help that Mista, Mista lady.

You should know this. I had one fall from a second floor. You could have been sued for. I know. I know. I had one fall from a second floor. You could have been sued for your damn life. I know. I fell. But it was in an alley between the houses. So no one was back in there. But it fell and it smashed.

So you were good at your job? Yeah. You know what I had? I had my mother. So my mom is like a master contractor. She's like the best. She's been doing it forever. And my dad, but my dad died.

But my mom, I could just call and be like, I need you to walk me through this. And she would just tell me how to do anything at any time. You know what I mean? I could just be like, how do I reinforce this? And she'd be like, you got to go to Home Depot. Or she calls it Deep Homo. You have to go to Deep Homo. And then you got to get the night by.

Why Deep Homo? Because there's a to Deep Homo. Deep Homo? Because there's a lot of gay people there? No, I don't know Deep Homo. I think she slows better. Oh, I see. She always changes the names. Wegmans, she calls Wegwomans. Deep Homo.

That's a fun thing. She's the best. Deep Homo, Wegwomans. What else has she got? Oh, she calls this fancy place in Ithaca Rich People's Pot pottery. It's called something like Rich's Pottery or something. She calls it rich people's pottery. Wait, where's she

from? Cuga Whites. She calls it Cuga Heights, which is where rich people live. What? Ithaca. I grew up near Binghamton. Oh, I'm sorry for you. I know. That really sucks. Big difference. Ithaca's like a beautiful paradise surrounded by goblins. I know that shirt that everyone always used to wear.

It's beautiful. There's more money. What are gorges? Gorges? Waterfalls. Big waterfalls. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah.

There's like a million waterfalls. There's lakes. The houses are beautiful. It's like, it's very, it's like a Mecca surrounded by like, I mean, Syracuse sucks. Buffalo sucks. You know? Yeah. And that's where you grew up? I grew up in Ithaca, yeah. In Ithaca. Well, I grew up, that's the thing is I grew up outside of Ith like, I mean, Syracuse sucks. Buffalo sucks. You know. Yeah. And that's where you grew up.

I grew up in Ithaca, yeah. In Ithaca. Well, I grew up, that's the thing, is I grew up outside of Ithaca, Lansing, which is, like, trailer park. Yeah. And I had the lesbians in town. So I had my dad in the trailer park, and then I had the lesbian crunchy side. You know what I mean?

Uh-huh. So I had both. So I was, like, trash, and I had the nice stuff. Not nice, but, like, the, you know. How old were you when your parents split up? I was two. You were two? Yeah.

So you, like me, you don't have any memories of them together? I have memories of them during the divorce, because it took about a year. Yeah, I have memories of the feuds during the divorce. But I don't have memories of them together, absolutely not. Were they fighting over custody or just money? Everything. Money, custody. They were crazy.

I mean, my dad was just like, he just snapped when my mom left him, and he just became like, he was like, I hate her, because he was really in love with her. And so he became crazy towards her. But then she was like, you're crazy. I've got to take the kids away. And then he double snapped. The kids stuff, I mean, I watched my dad with my sister,

my little sister in the custody battle, and, I mean, I watched my dad with my sister, my little sister, in the custody battle, and I mean, it really fucked him up. He wanted full... Did your parents end up having joint custody, or did your mom have full custody? My mom represented herself finally and got full custody and then would send us

to him on the weekends or whatever. I think it's pretty... I'm not saying anyone deserves custody, but I think seeing your kid and the other person has full custody must be torturous. Because it's so much power to wield, to be like you can see the child

today, but not overnight. Or this, that, and the other. It's hard. It's also... My sister's going through this and it's like, you know, she basically she lived with this dude, raised kids with him. Sorry, raised Sophia until she was like, how old is she now? Three, probably when they got separated.

But she did everything. You know, he like went to work, showed up, was like, I got to play with the kid, I guess. And now he's like fighting tooth and nail for joint custody. And she's like, dude, that's not, that's crazy. But you understand his side where it's like, this is my kid. I've been living every day with a kid.

Of course. And once you give up the custody, you could potentially work out a deal now, but you have full custody. You have the power to revoke a lot of things. Right. I understand why people go to bat super hard for it. Yes.

So your sister was, what, seven years older than you? Seven, yeah. Seven. I did my research. Maybe six, yeah. Seven. How did my research. And I... Maybe six, yeah. Seven. How old is she? Well, it depends.

I mean, it probably vacillates depending on when the birthday occurs. That's right. That's right. My sister's... We have the same birthday. Whoa! That's kind of perfect. Really?

Yeah, I guess my mom... That's really crazy. Mom gets horned up in November. Yeah. She's like... That's not... Cream pie November. Even if you get horned up in November. She's like, cream pie November. Even if you get horned up in November, it's very unlikely for your kids to be born on the same day.

Well, my brother is four days after our shared birthday. Oh, really? That's why you're so punctual, dude. You're like, this is how things should be. We line them up. My family has done this for generations. So ultimately, you did see your dad sometimes. Oh, yeah.

What was the schedule schedule did you have a i hate that oh my fucking god that fucking motherfucking camera we got over here we're fine all right i'm gonna put you you can see you let me turn it a little i hate i hate running a podcast yeah what was your schedule rent out a studio you have money um the the oh my god we have that rat oh we have a rat that's sitting on a toilet though reading a newspaper in our you have a rat that's a stuffed that's a stuffed mouse which is taxidermy oh we have a taxidermied rat in our podcast wow really yes did you do it yourself no we ordered it we bought it oh i did this you taxidermied there's there's a class you can take list we

had an episode with a taxidermist who was then featured in the New York Times like three weeks later. You taxidermied that mouse? They did the actual taking the skin off the body. So I had it like it was in a clear... No, no, no, no, no. You stuffed a little stuff into a dead mouse? I put the skin around a thing.

I don't like this. I don't like this. You have it in your fucking thing. It's a rat. It's even bigger brain than this thing. It had more feelings. It probably had a family. You're the criminal here.

Do you think they killed it on purpose to be taxidermied? I don't want to know. Don't tell me. She told us, but it's not good. I think it comes dead. Oh, God. It comes dead. But it was a peaceful death, and they gave it a last meal. Put that gum down. Don't touch that. That's awful.

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5.30 on Wednesdays. I'm going to pick you up at 5.30 and then on weekends. And they were the worst weekend. I mean, it was so annoying. You know what my dad would do that I always hated? When he would pick me up at my mom's house. They had a contentious. Oh, yeah. It was so annoying. You know what my dad would do that I always hated? When he would pick me up at my mom's house, they had a contentious. It was bad. But he would always be like, can I use the bathroom?

And I was like, we live three minutes away. You're doing the most animalistic, I'm going to take a shit here. That's awesome. It was awful. Wait, was it always a shit or he just wanted to go into her space to be like... Yeah, maybe it was just a piss. But it feels like whatever that impulse was,

it's the same one dogs have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you ever ask him why he does that? Why he did that? No, I've always been very uncomfortable with talking poop stuff. Oh, yeah, you are uncomfortable about that. I'm more comfortable...

I was saying to Tova the other day, I said, I'd rather my mom... I'd rather my mom tell me, like, yo, I got railed last night than I took a big dump this morning. Why are you weird about it? Did something happen? No, I think I'm just very, like, adverse to, I think, smells.

I'm very adverse to it. You could ask your dad, why did you always want to go into mom's house to go to the bathroom? Was there an ulterior motive? You don't have to be like, hey, how big? What was the size? No, because he would deny it. He would deny it. There's no point in asking him fucking anything about his internal logic.

I don't think he fully understands it. I think he doesn't understand. He'd be like, wait a second. Oh, my God. I take a shit at all my ex's houses. Interesting. I think you get it. I think people are more able to.

If you recall. Not my father. Really? Not my father. Let's call him. He's in therapy three times a week. Why? I don't know.

He's fucked. What do you mean? Why is he in therapy three times? week. Why? I don't know. He's fucked. What do you mean? Why is he in therapy three times? That's obviously an emotionally stable person that puts himself in therapy. I think he's the kind of person that doesn't change his behavior, so he wonders why the things he wants never happens. What does he want? Love.

He always wants this idea of me, my sister, and him as a family unit. We'll never visit New York. He'll always plan. Always wants me to give him my avail. We'll never visit New York. Hello, always plans, always wants me to give him my avail. When are you in New York? When can I visit? And then I do, and then it falls. He's a workaholic, too. And I hate people that prioritize

work over social relationships. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He walks into a cellar, does not say hello to anybody. That's some fucking bullshit. He literally goes like this. He goes like this. It goes like this. B-lines all the way to the back, opens a laptop, headphones, done. I have improved a great deal.

I acknowledge that. We don't talk enough for you to fully realize the journey of my growth, but I've grown as a person. Have I grown as a person? I will say he's gotten a lot better, but I can see how it's not in some people's minds. I think you got worse, if I'm being honest. What are you talking about? I think you used to show up at the cellar and be used to sit down with people, talk, and now you look mad all the time.

We talked recently. Yeah. Part of the reason you were top of mind to come in today was because we talked recently about- I talked to Tova. Okay, that's an extension of me as far as I'm concerned. And then you went, see ya, and left, and then you texted me and said, hey, do the podcast.

No, hold up. I got to the cellar. Jordan was following me for the brunch show, and she said, how's the audience? Which is always a tough question to ask. I don't know what people want from me. You could have answered it honestly. They sucked ass. They were fine. They sucked. Fine means they sucked. But here's my options. I could't know what people want from me. You could have answered it honestly. They sucked ass. They were fine. They sucked. Fine means they sucked. But here's my options.

I could either tell you they're great and then if you don't do great, you're mad at me because I set you up to feel bad. Right. Never say that. That's a comedy thing. Or I could say they stink so if you do well, you feel like you're better than me.

Or I say they stink and you go in your head, you go no i'm gonna have a bad set i want to set you up and i didn't say either i said they were fine you know what i i'm realizing what happened what i thought you said they're fun oh i did not say they were fun i thought you said they're fun because i got up there and i was like oh wow they are whatever they're fine they're okay but they're fun they were fine not a fun audience but now're okay. But they're the opposite of fun. They were fine. This is not a fun audience. But now I realize. What do you expect the brunch show to be of?

This is the tape. I don't do it that much because I'm always late. And she stopped booking me on it because I'm late for every spot there. You show up for the late night spot. She's like, you're going to brunch today. Yeah, totally. I mean, Liz has to text my house. She has to text me and Ethan and go, wake up.

You guys have to be at brunch because we're so late for everything. You know what else? Here's another thing. I have a problem with late people. I'll tell you this. Because I go, if I did that, I'd be out. That's not true. It is 100% true.

And so I go, I think the fact that you can exist while being that late all the time, it's like you had a bigger dick than me, and you were always just walking out with it, and you'd walk out, and you'd hit me in the leg with it as you walked by. I'd go, okay, we get it. You got a big dick. Totally. I would feel the same way if somebody was late all the time.

I mean, it's crazy. Our producer, Ethan, went on a date with a woman, and she showed up like half hour or like 20 minutes late, and he was like, I'm done. And I was like, wow, if that was a barometer for me i would be uh first date how late you're showing up first date yeah me are you making no matter where i'm going to show up i don't go on dates but i'm i'm i'm always late there's never a time unless i'm unless my managers lie to me and tell me everything is half an hour good for for them. Yeah, yeah, it's great.

It's great. That's – you're – okay. So I'm on time. I've gotten better, I think. You have gotten better. Yeah. Yeah, I've gotten better with being Ian just because they both have so many times been like, dude, please, for the love of God. My least favorite thing is Ian shows up and he goes, sorry I'm late.

I got everybody food. And I'm like, I don't believe you. And then I look and he has a small meal for himself. And he's like, oh, I thought we'd all share it. And I'm like, there are four people here. Don't lie. I show up and I'm like, I'm retarded. I shouldn't have been late. I got stuck organizing toothpicks that I needed to do before I left for some

ridiculous reason. I feel like we're going to have to make the R word the title of the episode at this point. I should say it less. No, listen. It's who you are. Call it Home Depot. I had a joke with that word in it and Tova was not happy. Tova doesn't make too many comments

on my comedy. Tova's really got the bit in your mouth, huh? I know. She's holding on to those bridles. The worst part is I'm like, no, I'm going to do it to defy my girlfriend. It's not funny to those bridles. You know, the worst part is I'm like, no, I'm going to do it to defy my girlfriend. It's not funny unless I say it. So say it. Who cares?

Retard is fully back. Che says it. How the fuck is that? Is that the barometer for me? What does Michael Che say? I get to say it too? Well, not the N-word, but yes, they have a bit of a leash on them. They can't really go crazy off the rails too much.

That's my barometer. I'm like, if the SNL people are throwing retard around, I got to lose it and start saying the N-word. You know what I mean? Now it's hack. Here's my thing. If I'm being honest about it, if we're talking about the levels of getting in trouble online,

you're a woman. Ian is bi. in trouble online. You're a woman. Ian is bi. These are two things that I think are a soft barrier to getting canceled or getting in trouble online.

I, however, am a straight white man and I think... Yeah, you should just... I think I gotta be a little more thoughtful. That's all. Do you disagree? No, I think I know what be a little more thoughtful. That's all. Okay.

Do you disagree? Do you disagree? No, I think I know what you're saying. You know what I'm saying. But also I feel like, I don't know. You feel like that. You only say the F word off the air. It's not going to work.

Okay. So can we all be supportive if I say what it is? We'll be supportive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say, and this is based on a true story. Basically, so the true story is that, like, someone in fifth grade called another kid that, and the science teacher got really upset and started crying. Like, started crying. I said, my brother is mentally disabled. Don't you ever say that word in tears in their eyes.

And it was like an early moment of don't say a word! In tears in their eyes. And it was like an early moment of don't say a word is in middle school. I grew up in a very progressive environment. But my joke is basically, I never say the R word, and I say it,

because when I was in kindergarten, I called my best friend an R word, and he started crying. And he said, hey, my little brother's an R word. So I never said the R word again except for just now four times. And then I go. And then later I ended up, thank you. You see?

Do you see what she did? She understood that I wasn't on stage. And she enjoyed it. As opposed to you who just dies behind the eyes. Fuck, man. And then I ended up meeting this kid's little brother. It turns out he was not mentally disabled. And I say mentally disabled.

Did he just have the autistic butt? He just thought that was the word for adopted. Nice. I've heard you say that, I think. Yeah, if it's a 1 a.m., I, you know. And then the final tag is, he was R-worded from Ukraine. Nice. I've heard you say that, I think. Yeah, if it's a 1am, I, you know. Why doesn't she like Patrick? And then the final tag is, he was R-worded from Ukraine. Oh, that's funny.

That's great. Why doesn't Tova like it? I know it's bad that I... It's the only time. If Tova did it a lot, if Tova was constantly like... It's the only time. It's the only time Tova's ever said to me like, I didn't like having my friends see you

use a slur on stage. And... What is going... That's not the only joke that she said that with. I love Tova to death. I love her, but you gotta have boundaries. I do. Your boundaries have to be your jokes.

That's the first boundary. She can rape you at night with a fucking two by four, but you got to have boundaries, dude, around your jokes. Listen, I did not get rid of the joke. I just am thoughtful about it. But again, I have to. You got rid of the joke with the tattoo and that's gone. Listen, every comedian makes decisions in terms of Louis used to. I bet you would not see Louis ever again.

We'll see. He used to use the N-word on stage with some jokes. No, he would use it. His boundary is he doesn't talk about Kitty and Mary. That's his thing. Doesn't talk about his kids anymore on stage since the cancellation. That's the thing. And he can't breach that, but that's his kid.

He had a great joke about in the last special about telling the kids about the divorce. You remember that one? He sat the kids down. He's like, you know, Mommy, you know how sometimes we tell you to not feed the dog and you still do it anyway? That's why we're getting divorced.

That's in Sincerely, right? No, it's the most recent one. No, MSG? I promise. MSG. I don't think he did it at MSG, but he did it into the filmed version of what the MSG was. Not sorry, but it's whatever.G, but he did it into the filmed version of what the MSG was.

Not sorry, but it's whatever... Oh, no. It's whatever the most recent one was. Oh, the MSG one. I don't know what that one's called. What is it? Sorry? No, there was one more after that, right?

You told me you watched it this morning and last night. I definitely watched it. He's a big... I watched it at MSG, but I didn't watch the filmed version. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The filmed version came out after.

I watched it at MSG, but I didn't watch the filmed version. Yeah, the filmed version came out after. When was the last time you opened for him? I think right before MSG. But he's on break for a year. Is that a real break? He's really going to go for a break the whole year? Yeah, he's already made it all this way.

He hasn't done shit. He's upstate in his big-ass house. Can you take a break for a year? Yeah, he's already made it all this way. He hasn't done shit. He's upstate in his big ass house. Can you take a break for a year? Fuck no, dude. Not unless I was filming something that was mine.

Sure, sure. Then I could. I could take a break. I mean more emotionally than financially. For my, I could do it for my family.

I've done that. I could take a break for, no, not for, I'm saying. What do you mean for your family? Like, you know, when my sister went through this divorce,

I was like, if I need to move home for a while and help you take care of the kid, I would be willing to do that. Really? That's very sweet of you. Yeah, but, well, the kid is like... Dude, this kid rules. My family is whatever, but this kid is like the... Do you like being an aunt? I want to be an aunt. I hate everything. This kid is... Dude, it's like

my sister had my child. It's crazy. Everybody who meets the kid is like, that is... She's the most... She's a little fucking... She's saying the R word. That was her first word.

She's a little mafia baby. She rules. But I would have done that for her just because me and my sister turned out so fucked up because of the divorce that I would have done anything to be like,

all right, let's get this kid. Okay. Yeah. Well, yeah, that's certainly, I always think, I have this weird fantasy of like a friend of mine gets, friends of mine get divorced and they have a kid, and I like get to like give them some advice of like how to be better divorced parents.

Yes, yes. And I don't know if that's real. I mean, ultimately, I feel like the thesis of any being good divorced parents is you can't hate the other parent and raise your child well. It's literally impossible. Yeah. So you better figure out a way to – but then what happens? You go to court and you have this divorce proceeding.

And you have this divorce proceeding. And when you're fighting for the custody of your child, the custody of your child, you will say and reveal and betray everything about that person. You'll take every little bit of thing and take it to the nth degree. I mean it's crazy. It's also like people who get divorced are people who – I think that a lot of times people who get divorced are the people who kept their relationship together for the kid so they've had so much resentment it's not people who are madly in love and then something happens and then they get divorced

it's like they have kids to save the marriage so by the time they're fighting over the kid they're like oh I got a lot of shit to say about you sure my mom and stepdad they stayed together for a long time my dad though I think my mom found out he was cheating. That was it.

Do you think your parents stayed together for a while after? Was there an event, an inciting event? Your mom left your dad, right? Yeah. They were together forever on a farm and they were doing construction together and they were raising horses and stuff. My dad was like, this is my parent.

All my dad wanted to be was a cowboy with a cowboy wife. Then my dad was like, this is my parent. My dad, all my dad wanted to be was like a cowboy with a cowboy wife. And then my mom was like, I want more than this. I like want to live in the city. I want to do shit. And then, and then dad was like a pot smoker. And my mom was just like, all right, we got to, I need a break from this. And then they had a coming back together. And then they had me during that time when they were banging. That's the part that's crazy. Yeah. That like, sure, come back together, give it another go. You gotta put that condom on.

Yeah. My dad is not. Wait, so your sister was older, so they had her. Glory years on the farm. And they were like, okay, we'll take a break. Horses go. Now, when they got back together, was it just one time? It was like, we're going to see how this goes.

Okay. My dad probably was like, I'm sorry. I'll do the things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He always cheated on her. My mom cheated on him. And I think that they were like, all right, we'll give it a go for the sake of my sister. And then they had me.

And they were like, well, my dad is very, he's persuasive. He's also like, he's very like, what is it? Like romantic. He definitely was probably like, this will help. And then my mom was like, all right, fuck this. I hate this.

And now I have this other little kid. And then they moved, or she moved to Ithaca. And then, so I went back and forth between Lansing and Ithaca. But it was like, by the time that went down, by the time Ithaca, and then so I went back and forth between Lansi and Ithaca. But it was like, by the time that went down, by the time I was born, it was just like, my mom was like, get me the fuck away from this dude. I think from the outside, it always sounds crazy

when people have a kid to save the marriage, but I imagine when you're inside of it, it doesn't feel like that. Well, you're also trauma bonding, right? You're broken up, and now you're back together, which is the best love haze ever, when you're coming back together, and you're like, oh my God, we saved it. You know, my sister's coming in and being like, oh, daddy's back.

You know what I mean? And you're like, let's have another. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I remember one breakup I went through where like during like the extended breakup, there's one time we were like crying in a coffee shop and and you know, things were going and I was like, both of us were like, oh my God,

do you want to fuck right now? Like it was, it was so just visceral and it was like, what? No, I think, I think we went,

if I was cooler, we would have gone to like the bathroom but I think I'm like, I'm like, ugh. Yeah. Did you have sex?

I think so, yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. It was a while ago but I'm pretty sure. Dude, so many, everybody I know including myself is like, we broke up and i'm like i'm like yeah did you have sex i think so yeah oh yeah it was a while ago but i'm so many everybody i know including myself is like we broke up and i'm like how was the sex and they're like really good all every time every day ask anybody if they went through a breakup how they what happens is you break up your emotions are so activated and you get so

horny for some i mean this happens to me i'll be in a fight with somebody and i'll be like we have to stop this fight to have sex this is my my shit right now. But it's like, I think I'm a little bit more of a bitch. I go like, I'm not, I'm not making you feel pleasure right now. I'm furious. If it's a little fight,

if it's a big fight, I think my theory is this. This is why I think like one night stands can be very fun. Yes. Is, they're not always obviously, but I think there's a degree of like,

this is not going to happen again. So let's do all the things that we want to do. Whereas when you're long-term, you're like, I'll eat ass later. Yeah, we got time. I got time. We'll do it after a different time. And then it never occurs. But with a breakup, I think it goes back to that visceral like, better do it now.

I think there's also something hot about somebody having... For me, it's like if I'm like, I want this to end, and the person's like, no, please, no, I'm not horny. But if I'm like, I want this to end, and they're like, all right. I'm like, oh, this is why I left you, because you didn't stand up for yourself. Let's have sex. Interesting. Yeah, I think there's something there. Interesting.

You ever have breakup sex? No. No. No. You've only had breakup sex. It's never been presented. You've never had regular sex. No, I've only had breakups It's never been presented You've never had regular sex No I've only had it

I'm like I can't Every time I have sex Is like a Breakup sex It's crazy You've been through a lot of breakups Yeah I'm really

Yeah What do you mean Like you You're a relationship Break Like Do you have an average Of your relationship time

Like Do you go like Year and your relationship time? Do you go a year and a half? What do you think happens? What do I think happens? I think people think that I'm very secure because of how I act externally, but once I'm in a relationship, I am a child. I am a jealous,

scared, needs so much attention. I was going to ask a specific thing to make you child. Like I am a jealous, scared, needs so much attention. Jealous of anything. Of a dog. If you have a dog, you love more than me. I hate that dog. Are you super jealous about them being around other women as well? Oh yeah. Anything you, the worst. It makes sense. Both your parents were cheaters. Yeah. They're cheaters and they also were, they could, once they split up, they just were broke. So they had to start their own because they also were – once they split up, they just were broke. So they had to start their own – because they had Cosentini Jensen Construction. So when they split up, they had Cosentini Construction and Jensen Development Company,

and they had to start their businesses without each other. So they were in competition with each other, trying to tear each other down. Neither of them had any money, so we had nobody raising us. They were just working all the time. So I'm very like – and I loved them, right? So nobody raising us. They were just working all the time. So I'm very like... And I loved them, right? So it's not like they were like... That's a movie, by the way. Absolutely. Two

divorced couple competing with each other construction-wise, sabotaging each other. It was so crazy, yeah. I mean, there wasn't enough air conditioners to install to be nice? My mom... Ready for this? So the farm I was raised on, my mom got a job from this guy who wanted a modern house,

a hideous, no windows, white, monstrosity. And my mom said, I have just the place for it. And showed him the plot of land across the street from my dad's farm and built it there. And my dad every day would walk across the street, bring him trees, be like, please plant anything to he hated that. It's hideous. I mean, we could pull it up on a satellite thing and you could see my dad's barn and farm and then just this monolith

and my mom was like, I mean, it was a war, dude. And he fought against the city. Would your mom show up to work every day and just be hitting the hammer? Just looking over there? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And he was convinced that my mom burnt this house down on the property, which she didn't do. But he was convinced of that. And before he died, in his last dying weeks, he was lobbying the city to stop developers, sustainable developers, which is my mom, to be able to build because he believed that they should all – basically, in his last dying days, he was trying to get my mom shut down. to build because he believed that they should all he basically was his in his

last dying days he was trying to get my mom shut down it was crazy i mean that was their whole life and he was he was ill so he was like he knew he might be dying soon no no no he didn't oh it was a sudden death sudden death oh a sudden death i mean we don't i mean he just fell asleep didn't wake up oh wow because he was very like he was like a cowboy So it really was like he worked all day He laid down with a dog It was like we have no idea how it happened He didn't do an autopsy or anything? They asked me

Me and my dad's big thing We both faint all the time We hate doctors We hate blood It's the hilarious thing about us We pass the fuck out And we were very close by the time he died. And they were like, do you want us?

And I was like, the last thing my dad would want was his body cut open, burn him, give him the ashes. You weren't curious at all in case there was something medical that would help you to know? I know how he died. He died because he smoked two packs a day. Sure. And by the end of his life, he was just laying foundation all day. And, you know, just eating, you know, a Klondike bar at night and smoking cigarettes, passing out. And was he fit from all the work? Like, did he have like a build? He was he was contractor fit. So he was like he was like a barrel chested guy with like a – he's like Bert Kreischer probably, but less pregnant.

He's like – yeah, I mean it's fit, but your heart is strained because your arteries are all clogged, and then you're lifting cement every day. It's just the perfect way to get a heart attack. Yeah, like the contractor fit. Contractor fit, yeah. So it's like not fit, but it's like they can crush anything. You know, it's like extremely strong, but not by any means. The blood is not flowing in the way that it should. But the reason I asked is because when my dad, you know, says horrible things about my mom all the time.

He's kind of over it now. But when he was going into his quintuple bypass, he said to me, can you tell your mom I'm sorry? And it was such a, it was almost, it was more infuriating than it was cute. I was like,

you could have, really? Yeah. You drama queen now, right now? You could have done it at any point? And it's not like he meant the first, I mean,

one of the first things he said when he woke up, he said, you didn't call your mom yet, did you? Oh my God. That is so funny. That's amazing. Do you have a bit about that? That's incredible. That is so incredible. But it was... He went under and then he came back and he was like...

He was like, oh, I'm going to live still? Okay, never mind. The thing I want in death, that is like waking up from a heart attack and grabbing a cigarette. He can't say that again. Do you know what I mean? If he is on his deathbed, he's going to be like, oh, Joe Marconi. I'm going to be like, I'll call it right now. Doctor, hold on.

He can survive 10 more seconds. Dad, we're going to do this right now. Can I tell you something? I'm going to be honest. I think what he was doing was he was having it so that your mom was like, oh, he was a good guy so that she felt as bad as she could.

Maybe... It's like when you're fighting with somebody and you're like, I love you. I do believe that these... I see pictures of my parents in Italy. I have the photo album from their wedding. I keep it on my bookshelf with the rest of my fiction. Italy. You know, I have the photo album from their wedding. I keep it on my bookshelf with the rest of my fiction.

Nice. Thank you. You see, once again, we're practicing this. I just laughed. Jordan and I understand that, like, okay. Jesus Christ. But I see these pictures of them honeymooning in Sicily. And my dad's wearing a little Speedo.

And my mom's looking good. And I'm like, there is something that they love about each other. This is a custody battle, all these things. My mom married my dad's former lawyer. Good. They got my kindergarten teacher fired for dating my father and I guess

she used to send love notes in my lunchbox back to my father. There are lots of things. But they love there's something. They could have a good conversation. They could have a good dinner together. Oh, totally. And I think my mom would. I think my mom would be down to class.

When's the last time they interacted? I think. Like in person. I think they like came to a comedy show. And my dad said something like, you know, one of these, like, we did all right. And then he didn't say that to me after the show. My dad didn't say a single goddamn word to me after the show.

But there's got to be something there. My family was the same way. My mom was like, I'll hang out with your dad all day long. She was, yeah. Was she, you can tell me to stop. When your father passed away. Sad?

Yeah, how did she react? She was so sad. We were all so sad. It was me. I mean, the funeral was all my dad's exes. My mom, you know. The whole section to the side? No, everybody who was there was like somebody who dated my dad.

I mean, he fucked everybody. But yeah, she was there and his rugby buddies. And yeah, she was sad for weeks. I mean, she didn't respect him because he was like a pothead and he thought he would be like the great American. He thought he would be Hemingway and his book sucked. Sucked? It really sucked.

Yeah, they're written like a guy who is obsessed with themselves. They're like Louis' movie, the I Love You Daddy movie. I Love You Daddy? Yeah, where it's like, you got too big of an ego, and I can smell it. I liked I Love You Daddy.

I didn't watch it. I haven't seen it. I liked it, and I felt like all the critics' responses were, I mean, it goes without saying, it was impossible for them to review it other than to say, he's waving it in our face.

Like, every review was so, like, it was truly a conflation of, like, the art and the artist where it was, like, in that moment, everyone had to be, like, the art is bad because the person is bad. I didn't see it. But I just heard that it has, like, a bit of an ego to it, a bit of a, like, I'm trying to be. But I thought it really accurately showed that ego. I thought it really accurately showed the kind of ego because the older character, I guess, is like a Roman Polanski, Woody Allen type, and I felt like it really showed how that guy thinks

they are justified in the world that they live in. Was it Malkovich? Malkovich played it, yeah. But it was so funny, apparently he offered it to Woody Allen and Woody Allen was like, are you to your fucking mind? Are you to your fucking mind?

Oh, because, yeah, totally. Woody Allen, I mean. My confession is, because I've seen custody battles, I think I believed, whenever something comes out during a custody battle, I go, I do believe people lie in a custody battle because there's an obvious objective. There's the only, the best objective. The best objective.

The best reason to lie. But then you saw, I saw the Woody Allen documentary and they show you footage of the young girl recounting it. And within a second second you're like, oh, fuck, he fucking did that shit a thousand percent. And you're like, for me I was like, even if she's not

telling the truth, whatever scenario she was raised in made her this fucked up. Like, whatever it is, that dude was not good. You know what I mean? He did not provide

a safe place for her to grow up if this is how she's turned out where she's shaking in front of a camera saying whatever. The only part of the movie that I thought was funny because they show her mom's life

and the family pictures, and at no point do they go like, it was strange that they adopted 10 people. There's no even like, kinda. It's just like, and here's the family photo. It's crazy. All 50 of them wearing matching PJs. You're like okay yeah and nobody was like and also mia farrow bad mom seems to be on xanax all the time sure

lobotomized even crazy i just saw that sound of freedom movie last night they got me you know i haven't done enough research but but it's funded by this q anon people and they they it's it's it's propaganda do you know do you know how this people, and it's propaganda. Do you know how this is so crazy? So it's a movie. Oh, okay. It's some group that stops child traffickers, but I at least have listened to enough of my leftist podcasts that the people producing it are very closely,

if not fully, associated with QAnon, that many of them have been accused of child trafficking in their own right, taking money for themselves, and it's become this... It's... That's why people like Mel Gibson love it so much. It's just tied to... They did the smartest thing. So basically, this guy

had an amazing story. The FBI agent freed all these kids, right? And then Disney buys the rights to the movie, and they don't make it. Because QAnon people are like, because he's a pedophile. Probably because it's hard to make a movie about a pedophile. Also, do you want to make the story? Do you want to make the documentary? What do you do?

They should have made a documentary. I mean, it's and then they made it. So then Angel bought it and they're like a Christian group. They put the guy from from Passion of the Christ as the main character who is a QAnon guy. Right. So already you're like, oh, this is a QAnon based thing. And then they proceed to make just a bad. It's just a bad movie.

Right. So AMC, regal or whatever is like we don't we only play good movies that is what we do and so then they start going they're burying it because they're pedophiles there's this is me and pat brisher went to see it yesterday listen to what pat heard outside he goes he heard two people talking and one guy goes one guy goes um well you know what uh you know where the worst uh rules for child sex are? L.A. And he goes, and what's in L.A.?

And the guy goes, Hollywood. And he goes, that's right. Like, that's what's. So, you know what I mean? Like, everybody. And I went to see it. I gave them money. So now it's sold out because of all of the conspiracies.

It's sold out. They made so much money. So much money. And it's a bad movie and it's a great story so it's like if they had made a documentary that was like everybody would have gobbled it up on that our true crime shit are you kidding me and on top of it so a lot of these things they saw talk about religious movies is like churches will buy out a showing and saying if you're part of the church come see it but then people were showing videos of like empty movie theaters

and going like they were accusing like the Hollywood people of buying it out so people can't see the movie and it was like no you fucking need to first of all you can see a movie you can't block a movie but it's also just a bad movie it just didn't turn it into a theater

so much money to be made if you can get into that conspiracy wormhole because the brain will justify incredible anything the brain justifies just going to see it which is just money in their pocket and you watch the whole thing though you oh yeah yeah totally i watched the whole thing just because the story is very compelling but the movie was just it was just cringe it was just a poorly made film with bad horrible actors and um but yeah it was like i what's crazy is i'm on twitter and i'm trying to figure out what's going on with this and i'm like looking into it and then i get into the my car the driver picks me up to go to miami and he was like i'm not going to be here tomorrow because i'm the security for the two

actors in that movie and we're meeting trump tomorrow he was like oh i'm going to new york and i was like get the fuck out and i asked him He was like, Oh, I'm going to New York. And I was like, get the fuck out. And I asked him, he was like, you're going to cry the whole movie. They're burying it. All the Democrats are pedophiles. And I was like, Oh my God. So then I went and went to see it. It sold out me and Pat gets seats in like the first row. And I was like, Oh my God, I'm, I did it. I did the thing that everybody did where I, I ate the, I ate the Kool-Aid and then I went and gave them money it's bizarre but it's also it everything is getting everything is becoming so such a caricature it's like a cartoon world at this point in the news that like just the fact that

the fact that everybody is not talking about the this amazing fbi agent who like rescue that's so interesting and that sex trafficking is going on, and we're just talking about the liberals versus Democrats. It's like expert-level manipulation. Well, we've really gotten – I think what's incredible about – first, everyone's accusing everyone of being a pedophile. It really is like Nazis and pedophiles. And it's gotten to the point – Where it makes you want to fuck kids.

Listen, the only plus side is people keep sharing my R. Kelly pedophile joke. And listen, that might be worth all this political. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like there are so many proven cases of pedophilia, whether it be in the church or whether it be like the Boy Scouts. And like somehow that doesn't come up constantly it's always about the imagined network of secret and i'm like there's literally a bunch right here in front of you to go take care of also they're always making it like it's not even just about the pedophilia it's about like they're doing other things with the blood it's like it's're making it... Pedophilia is bad enough.

We don't need to then create this mythological world where they're draining kids' blood to then seep into Nancy Pelosi's... You know what I mean? I don't... Yeah. I just also think... Again, part of it's the reason they like the imaginary ones is because then you don't have to fucking do anything about it.

If it's the guy at your church, maybe you should go walk down there and say something. But if it's imaginary and it's elite, you can just complain about it and go see a movie about it and pretend that that's progress. Oprah did the best thing she could ever where she had a show on where she had all these convicted pedophiles on, this is crazy actually,

on her show and then she gave them all a free car. She literally was like, that's who they are and everybody in the audience is like, oh her show. And then she goes. Gave them all a free car. Yeah. She literally was like, that's who they are. And everybody in the audience is like, oh, my God. And then she's like, I want you guys to ask them whatever you want. And people ask these pedophiles questions. I was like, that fucking rips, dude. That's the question.

Did they know they were all coming on to do that? Yes. They came on being like, I don't want to be a pedophile. I should have been put in prison. It was probably the last TV spot Kevin Spacey's going to do. Yeah. He had to take the – They were all comedians.

They were like, hey, this is press. We need to sell some dates. They were all like very – What did they ask? I got to look this up. I think that – I don't know. I don't know what they asked. Tova showed me this video on TikTok.

Apparently there was this old game show where they would do a lie detector test. And to win the next level of money, they'd ask you the question again. And you had to decide, would you reveal in public the real answer or lie? And if you revealed the real answer, you got the money. And it was like, for $500,000, do you believe that your father engaged in sexual relations with an underage woman? And she starts crying. And they cut to the father. And the father looks kind of confused. Oh my god.

What year is this from? Like the 1500s. It was recent enough. Love on a spectrum. I'm like, this is crazy that this exists. So she starts crying and she ultimately goes, yes. And then as she's crying, they go, brr, brr, brr, $500,000.

And they gather around the family. The host is like, congratulations. We should probably discuss why you said yes. And she says, my father, he belonged to like a Mormon cult type thing. And a friend of his said, would you marry the sister wife or whatever? She's 17. And the father then talked to. And they kind of moved on.

They moved on in a way that was insane at the time and now would never occur. They moved on. We're like, oh, that makes sense. We're glad it wasn't her. And now we're cut to a commercial. Enjoy that money. Oh, my God. That is crazy.

That is so crazy. It is a wild. It is a wild. Where is it? Because they cut to the father going like, being unsure, like 500,000. Oh, my God. Outed as a pedophile on TV. I don't know what to take.

I mean, the other thing with the pedophile is like, it it is like there is like an emotional stunting that happens. I do think this in Hollywood. You know how you like hear – like if you watch the Taylor Swift documentary, she's like a child. Yeah. Like they are stunted emotionally. And I'm like Michael Jackson, for instance, is like – you're like I know he was fucking kids, but he was a baby. Like he had a kid's brain. And I think that that's a big reason why they're like Hollywood fucks kids or like Leonardo is like, you're like, I know he was fucking kids, but he was a baby. Like, he had a kid's brain.

And I think that that's a big reason why they're like, Hollywood fucks kids. Or like, Leonardo is like... I would say this even more. It's the same way that sports... Like, there's a lot of sports people who, you know, beat their wife or something. When you have industries where someone's success can become so important.

You know, Michael Jackson's success was 1,000 people's entire livelihood and sold out stadiums and helped cities get stores. I mean, like, when someone becomes important in any industry, then that person will be so protected they can get away with crimes to an insane degree. Whereas opposed to... Which they don't have to deal with a lot of things, so they do become stunted. And they have a full team, and that team gradually covers up all these things. So whether it's Hollywood, whether it's a high official

or in sports, or a high official in the priest, I don't think it's these industries necessarily have more than other industries. It's just that you can have someone who is so protected and their crimes, the list of their crimes become so long and so storied and so many people that that's why it starts looking like Hollywood. It's not that Hollywood necessarily is filled with more of these people. It's just that in Hollywood you have a number of people who are important and whose existence and continued success makes money for a lot of people.

And that's why it looks like that. But the idea that these people go like, Hollywood's filled with pedophiles. I'm like, so is the McDonald's chain. So is gymnastics. So is everything. They're out there. And you can pretend it's part of the world, but there's

ones, it's in your family. But there is a level of acceptance. Like, okay, the parents who are like, I'm going to let my kids sleep in Michael Jackson's bed because he's Michael Jackson. That wouldn't happen. I mean, anybody else would be like, you're not sleeping at that dude's fucking house. But because it's Michael Jackson, he could change our lives. But I'm sure it was also gradual. Again, I think it's the same thing from the outside.

It seems like one day Michael was like, I'm going to have Timmy join me in my bed today. And what's your Michael Jackson impression? I don't know. That wasn't your impression. That was a different voice. Okay. But I think it was probably like,

pillow fight. Yeah. I'm tired. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can just sleep here. We don't need to act anymore out actually john marco i think that have you been have you seen the dating apps and you look at people that are your age i mean i look at people who are like i'm like okay i want to date like a guy who's like late 30s and then you talk to them and you're like oh i am i'm attracted to 26 year old dudes

who are like still saying dope and sick. You know what I mean? Because I'm stunted. Cause I'm in a comedy world of entertainment where all of us are a bunch of fucking kids. And then I talked to somebody who's 40 and they're like, yeah, I run an ad agency.

And I'm like, you are the dullest person I've ever, I hate that you have a cat. I hate that you have a cat. You know what I mean? And then you're like, Oh shit. Now I get how like,

why Leonardo DiCaprio only fucks, you know, I feel the opposite. I hate that you have a cat. You know what I mean? And then you're like, oh shit, now I get how like, why Leonardo DiCaprio only fucks, you know, 20 women. I feel the opposite. I once went on a date with an age-appropriate but younger woman, and we went out to dinner once, and she said to me, she was like, why are you so sad all the time? And I thought like,

I thought like, I was like, why am I sad all the time? Did you not listen to the news today? Did you not fucking, as your parents It's like Norm MacDonald's, have you not experienced life? This horrible thing that we have to live every day? You don't have suicidal tendencies? Have you lived one moment?

So I could That's not my jam I've almost always dated like exactly my age I've never dated younger, but i'm just now that i'm trying to date older i'm like yeah yeah i think it's gotta be why i feel like uh with this this my my girlfriend i had in college and then we broke up like she ended up marrying like someone who was like much older and i think it's so interesting that you go through school and school

like your entire social life and romantic life is usually like the people in your grade. And then maybe in high school, you know, a junior maybe with a sophomore. And if a senior and a freshman, you're like, that's weird. And then you get out into the real world and suddenly it's just like fucking chaos. And suddenly I was like, it was more like I was dating someone and we were both fucking, our lives were messes. We're both actors. And then suddenly like someone who's 32 is 32, now he's playing the game too? I can't compete with a fucking 32-year-old.

They have a life. They have a job. They have a career. And it's just a very, I think it would be a jarring experience. And I think more so for guys because traditionally the guy doesn't go out and on average a 32-year-old's like, hey, you want to hang out? Well, I have guy friends who are like, or people that I have dated who are like, yeah, I'm going to date this 24-year-old who is working in tech, makes way more money. And I'm like, yeah, I've been in a vacuum of comedy forever. You know what I mean?

I've literally been stunted economically in every way because I've been in this thing. literally been like stunted economically in every way because i've been in this like thing so it's like yeah of course you're gonna date the 24 year old who is has you know is isn't graying it still has the stamina of a fucking stallion and makes more money than me fuck yeah you know what i mean yeah that's what's weird being a woman and aging into a group with a group of people who are all children you know what i mean and then those children your buddies are dating like 23 year olds and you're like 23-year-olds and you're like, wait, who do I date? And they're like, I don't know, one of these children? You're like, what? What's happening?

Your mom dates younger or has dated younger? She dates younger, yeah. She dates younger because she gets like sick of fans and then dates them. I see. That's my dad. Like I was listening and it was similar to my dad. It's definitely dad. I was listening and it was similar. My dad is definitely younger.

Were they younger than you? I think one of them. No, they're all younger than my sister, though. Is that weird for your sister? Well, it has been because they've been friends before. One of them was her friend. If my dad dated one of my friends,

that would be fucked. I would say you can't do that. This was complicated, though, because it's my mom and my other mom were together and then my mom cheated on my other... Okay. Let me get a pen.

We'll do Shell and Kaz. Kaz cheated on Shell. Kaz then... Then Shell left Kaz for a woman that was engaged. That didn't help at all. It made it worse. Oh, sorry. Basically, my mom's wife left her for another woman. That woman

was engaged to another woman and my mom started sleeping with that woman. But that woman was friends with my sister. They switched. Wow. Because my mom was just like, we're sad. When that all came out was that a like big deal like like did it shake any relationships yeah i was really mad at my mom because my mom is very like she's very like take it or leave it with people but michelle when she married michelle

michelle kind of like was my mom like my mom was my dad my dad was my boss and michelle was like mom and i trusted everything she she showed me affection she was just like my how long were they together for um probably like eight years okay wow and then so when my mom cheated on michelle i was like you actually don't get to do this this is like you you cheat on everybody you don't get to cheat on michelle because she's like mom uhhuh. And then they tried to work it out and then Michelle got with Donna who I worked with because she worked for my mom.

And I love Donna a lot too. So then... Wait, was it... Okay, Donna worked for your mom. Yeah. So was it kind of fucked up that Michelle hooked up with Donna? Yeah.

And obviously she was in the right. She was cheated on so she gets a... Whatever you want. Right. But also, yeah, I mean... yeah and obviously she was in the right she was cheated on so she gets a whatever you want right but also yeah i mean but then donna and michelle just fell very hard for each other so then my mom was heartbroken but i was like you deserve this uh-huh you cheated on michelle who's never done anything wrong and then and uh so then donna michelle got together love and they are that's

the three moms so now it's donna Michelle, mom. And then, so my mom then started hooking up with Donna's ex-fiance, just because they bonded over how fucked up it was that Michelle and Donna were together. How did even the initial contact get made? Just because Donna worked for your mom? They all knew each other. Yeah. And how long was

her, was your mom and what's Donna's ex-fiance name? Kristen. Kristen. Kristen. So now Kristen, then they were together briefly. But my mom just doesn't, she can't stay in a relationship, so she ended that one. Kristen was great to me, too, also very sweet.

And Kristen's happily married. Donna and Michelle, happily married. Mom, single. How old were you when Mom and Michelle got divorced? Good question. you when mom and michelle got divorced good question i must have been i must have been for maybe oh a senior in high school senior in high school that's tough it was tough it was really tough but michelle the saint that she is was very like this doesn't this is doing nothing i am still i mean she still pays my damn phone bill she's just like i am your mother i am in your life i'm very close to her boys you know they're we're still very close yeah and now the

really a beautiful thing that was very moving is when my sister's husband cheated on her they got they separated it was like me michelle donna my sister all surrounding my niece and being like we are we are a family. We are protecting. So that's really like the family is just these five women. And then my dad is dead. My sister's husband is a piece of shit. So it's like –

Your sister's husband. Do you think – because I feel like your sister and you, you must be anxious about being with a partner who cheats on you this has to be like obviously no one wants to be cheated on but just like a fucking like the prophecy has been fulfilled um was your you're like this guy did you ever like him was it a surprise that he cheated he was uh i could tell that my sister was like i'm choosing this guy because he's good now i'm pregnant so i'm choosing this guy because he's good. Now I'm pregnant, so I'm going to stick with it. He's a good, loyal man.

I don't really like him. We don't get along that well, but he's safe. And when you date somebody safe who's not as intelligent as you, I think that dating somebody who is almost better than you or smarter than you or whatever is better. It feels more lethal because it feels like they could leave you but they have the wherewithal to like make decisive decisions whereas a dumb dude is just like i'm gonna take whatever comes at me because uh i have no masculinity it's been taken away by this woman who is you know doing better than me is more intelligent than me and puts me down but my sister was like i'll stick with him because he's going to be a good dad but that doesn't really work out. It doesn't work to, like, settle.

It doesn't work. Because they know you're settling, and then they rebel. Yeah. How'd she find out if it's not true? It's so brutal. I mean, these women just blackmailed her. They were like, we have video. We need money.

Multiple women. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They said, we need money, like, in, like, a sympathetic way. Like, sorry to blackmail you. They actually did. They actually did. Yeah. They were like, we tried to blackmail you. They actually did. They actually did. Yeah. They were like, we tried to blackmail him, and he shut down, and we did not want to go to you, and now we have to go to you.

And my sister is – How much money were they asking for? I think it was 10 Gs. Oh, my God. Yeah. And what were they threatening to her? I mean, the threat would be, we'll tell your wife. So what did they threaten her?

We'll tell your kid? I don't know. Tell everybody? I don't know. Tell everybody? I don't know. I'm not allowed to talk too much about it. It's a short. Oh, yeah. But, yeah.

But, yeah, it's like, it's a, yeah, so basically, but my sister's less, she's the cheater. So my sister picked up on my parents. They all cheat. I'm the one who's like. Your sister cheats too. Yeah, she doesn't. She never cheat on him, but she's way like... Your sister cheats too. Yeah, she never cheat on him, but she's way more like them,

where it's like... Yeah. It's like, take it or leave it, I don't really care. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like my dad, when my mom found out, he said, this is who I am,

I'm not going to change. That's a real philosophy of the cheater. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just like a... Yeah, but you could. You could just try it. Exactly.

You could try to change. You could be on time to things, but some people have things. I think my dad was more like me where he cheated because my mom didn't. He was like, I can too. I think he's more like me where he's like, please, please stay, please stay. Yeah. But I definitely have that where I'm just like, please don't cheat, please don't cheat. But I've been cheated on before too.

You make it happen. When you're afraid of cheating, you just make them cheat. They just inevitably cheat. If you're terrified of it, it happens. It's crazy. Even with people who are like, I know that you're terrified of it, it happens. It's crazy. Even with people who are like, I know that you're terrified of this. It's not going to happen. If you condemn somebody for something that they didn't do,

they'll just do it. It's all complicated though. If I say to someone, listen, if you keep worrying that I'm going to cheat, I'm going to cheat. But it's kind of true. I mean, it's not true. You can't say that. I don't know. I think the decisions of cheating are very – it's on the cheater. I don't know.

I just think you can't blame it on anything else. I think it's more this. I think you've got to break up with someone. You've got to make a decision if you're going to cheat. If you feel that urge and you're like, I can't resist anymore, you have to break up. The cheating is the bad part. That's the lie. The lie of it.

Yes. The cheating is, I think. Especially in today's world. You can find people who are into open whatevers if you want to. I think there was probably a time where like sometimes I wonder, you know, if my dad could have been part of a world where people conceived of open relationships. Maybe. Although I don't think he'd be cool with her doing it.

But it's just shystiness. I mean, it's a level of self-loathing. Do you really not have the amount of self-love for yourself to be like, I'm going to suspend this feeling. I'm going to take care of my shit. I'm going to suspend this feeling. I'm going to take care of my shit. I'm going to work my hardest. And it will still be there. There is a feeling of like a scarcity mentality with cheaters where they're like, I have to do this because it's my only chance to do it.

And it's like, what world is that? Who cares? What are you going to just nut just to destroy your family or in the off chance that you just even on the off chance you just make someone sad is like, why bother? Use your hand, dude. And I think my family's a little like that, where it's a little like, or at least, you know, the cheating thing where there's a feeling of like,

you only have one life, play full out, you have to take every opportunity. Sure. Which is like, sure, but. I understand the one life mentality. There's like the concept of just like. Sex is sex. It's just the same.

There's three versions. There's somebody you care about, there's somebody is sex. It's just the same. There's three versions. There's somebody you care about, there's somebody you hate, there's somebody you're alright with. I thought you meant positions and I was like missionary. But pretty much also. Pretty much. I mean there's one type of orgasm and it's pretty much the same. It's just like... I was talking to my friend who's a sex addict and he was like, well, why are you doing this? And he was like, I just want to

I want to be with this type of person, this type of person. I won't miss out. I'm like, it's all the same. It doesn't matter. It all either feels bad or it feels good. Sure, but couldn't you say that about food? Couldn't you be like, why don't you just have turkey sandwiches forever? I do feel that way about food. I do not eat out. I do not go to restaurants. I'm like this. I eat

oatmeal. That is what I eat. I eat oatmeal and vegetables. The thing, the bare minimum to just keep me going. That's how I describe monogamy. Oatmeal and vegetables for the rest of your life. Yes, what are you doing? Have steak occasionally. Be lucky you have it. But don't... It's all the same. It's all just salt.

You know what I mean? Salt or sugar. That's all you want. Let me look. Let's go on to our next segment. This has got to stop. You okay, sweetheart? Yeah. This has got to stop this has got to stop you okay sweetheart yeah um uh do you gotta this has got to stop something's got to stop big small personal general oh wow this has got to stop um there's like a new type of man who exists out in the world that is like a

just like a beta man so you have a bit where where you describe a man on stage that you can't stand. And every time I hear it, I go like, no, I'm that man. Which one? The woke cowboy? I feel like you have a bit about just a beta man. NPR beta cook? Yeah. And I'm like, that's me.

I just hear that bit. I just hear you talk about like, you're like, you know what, God fucking suck. And then you describe me to a T. I think it's something about not being able to install an air conditioner too. I've said a million things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes you'll talk about guys on stage

and I'm like, that's... Yeah, the guy who was talking about trauma to me, he was like, and it was a trauma filibuster. I couldn't leave because he kept bringing up different traumatic stories. This has got to stop no but there's this new pot not podcasting but like it's this new type of guy it's in brooklyn it's like a a patterned button-down shirt a dog on a leash a very gay affectation and basically a lesbian girlfriend. And they are beards

for each other and it's just like what they do. It's how they live their lives. It's like a new thing that's happening. That man, he has to come out of the closet. That woman needs to be free to eat snatch. It needs to happen. See, again, I feel like we're close

to me. You don't have a dog. But I'm saying, like, if you looked at Tova and me, there are certain traits, like Tova, if someone's going to get in a confrontation physically with someone who's like, fuck with us, it's going to be Tova. And I would be the one like, no, baby, baby, no. So we are, I feel like she has some more masculine traits,

and I have some more masculine traits, and I have some more feminine traits. And we found love within that. I would say the same about you and your wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you do things to make up for this. I do? Yes, you do that. You work out.

You hustle. You get your money. You do these things. Sure. I'm talking about the veal men in Brooklyn who have a tiny little dog, and you are like 100% sure they're gay. And they are talking about, you know, the most, they are writing like for, you know, culture articles for fucking vice or whatever.

And you, and they are just, they're scared to go outside. Like they don't take the train. You know what I mean? And they're just brutal. They're still wearing a mask sometimes. Yes. I just want it to stop. We're going to get a comment just from me saying that.

Just so we all know. On the YouTube, someone's going to say, don't mask, shame. Don't mask, shame. Yes, they're still wearing masks. That's exactly what I'm talking about, though. They have a stupid little bandana around their dog or some shit. You make up for it, right? You keep your body in good health.

You probably lay it down in the bedroom. You work your fucking ass off. You know what I mean? Sure. Like, sure, you're a theater gay guy. Yeah, sure, I'm gay. But you do make up for it. But I make up for it in another way.

You don't wear shirts with little botanical cactuses on it like a fag. Sorry, sorry. Oh, God damn it. We'll bleep that one. You could say like a. No, I mean, it's up that one. It's up to you. You have enough moms. Three moms.

All my moms are friends. All her moms. Do I have one? Yeah, I have one. Yeah, quick. I got one. Okay, on streaming platforms. This has got to stop.

Say the real. This has got to stop. The cutesy categories on streaming platforms used to be just like action, comedy, drama. Now it's like, you know, at first it started off with like Girls' Night In. Robcom after a night's sleep. Now it's like, yeah, now it's like, it's like very limiting because it's not describing the fucking movie anymore. It's describing the person.

It's like, hey, it's been a long day in the sun, fat girl. Take a night off. It's like queer dad's night in. It's just like... Describing you sometimes, right? For me, where it's like... You just did two off-Broadway shows in a blouse.

Totally. It's like depressing night after a breakup. And I'm like, fuck you. I'm watching it. But fuck you. I hate that. I just hate the cutesiness. You see the category and you're like, I'm not going to fucking look at that category. But maybe I would want to see a movie in that category sometime.

But the categories are not appealing to me. So I hate that. This has got to stop. I did a show. I was headlining in Fort Wayne. And my feature Is black And he was driving me home

I fell for my feature Who was in Fort Wayne Totally I was like I can't hook up with this dude Because it's exploitative This has got to stop I need to look up his name But we were getting along.

He was driving me back to the hotel. There's black people in Fort Wayne? He was visiting from another place, to be fair. But he was driving me home, and a white guy came up to the window. He had seen the show, and he had been very complimentary. And he comes up, and he goes, hey, great show, great show. I got a joke for you. Oh, boy.

And we're both – the second he said it, the second he said it, I go, it's going to be racist. I know it. I just know it. And black guy's there. And black guy's there. And he's driving. And he goes, driving Miss Daisy. If you're going to be racist, at least don't be lazy about it.

It is not driving Miss Daisy. I'm a white man. I'm not it. It is not driving Miss Daisy. I'm a white man. I'm not old. I'm in the front seat. This is not like driving Miss Daisy at all, other than there's just a black person and a white person and a car. He just pointed to you guys and said driving Miss Daisy. And that was the joke. And he said, you can use that.

Feel free to use that. You don't have to credit me. You got to bring him up on stage. I really need it to stop. Anybody listening to this, if you have comedians in your life, don't say you can use this. Just don't say you can use this. I was focusing more on the racism aspect. Whatever about racism.

It's Indiana. Literally, you'll be at a lunch. The salt will fall over, and they'll laugh, and they'll be like, now this is going to go in one of your sketches. What would that sketch look like? What about this? What would that look like? When they go like this and when they go, you're like, yeah, it really sucks. I have to do this horrible thing that I don't want to do.

Go to a friend's funeral and they're like, well, at least you'll get material. I'm like, no, I don't want to do this. There's no upside. My mom does that all the time. She also does, she does, if I go like I'm having the worst day ever and she goes, I hope so. Meaning, I hope this is the worst and it all gets better. I'm like, shut.

She listens. I love you, mom. What did she say? What did she say? Mike James is his name. Mike James is his name. Very good comic. Has a special I forget what it's called, but check it out. Mike James. But I. Mike James is his name. Very good comic. Has a special out. I forget what it's called, but check it out.

Mike James. But I think the worst part is, like, he was telling me, people go up to him and they go, LeBron. And he's a black guy. He has a beard. LeBron is very tall. And he's just, like, a regular height. And I think, like, here's what it is. I think white people go, oh, I know you're not supposed to compare but they really look like that person.

And here's the thing. You could be right. You could be right. You might see an Asian person that looks really like a specific celebrity. And maybe you're right. How often does this really happen though? Oh, I think, Bo Nyang did a post once. He's like, please stop telling me I met someone who looks

like me. Because even if you're right, you have to understand that white people have an impulse. A lot of white people have an impulse to be like, you look like that. And even if you're right, too many people are doing it. Too many people are doing it and that's how they engage in conversation.

And it's annoying. So keep it to yourself. Share it with one of your white friends. Share it with a white friend. Share it with a white friend. Hey, you know what I'm trying to do? Miss Daisy, take a picture. You send it to them. This has got to stop.

Final section. We've got to move this along because an AC is getting installed. You better count your blessing. You better count your blessing. Russell, do you have a blessing? Yeah. As you know, I've gotten into Gatorade recently. And I was really upset because for a long time I could only find white and blue Gatorade,

and I don't like those flavors. But I found a place right near the theater I do the shows at that sells only red. So I'm thankful for that place. That's great. You want to plug them? Give their names some business? I don't know the name. Jordan, I'll do my blessing. I feel like we

weren't chatting for a while. Yeah, you. I think it was both of us. No, no, no. No, I think we... Dude, I had said out loud multiple times

to other people I've been like, is he all right? I said out loud to multiple people, I said, I think Jordan doesn't like me. Let me intervene

because I don't know either. I don't know. Well, I know you. I don't know you. I don't know either. I know you. You, you... Listen, even when you think

nothing's going on, you can be very closed off and very insular. And it gives a vibe to people that they can't approach you. And so I don't think you know that sometimes. Sure. But I know you well, so I can break through it. But if people don't know you as well, they're not going to try to break through it. Why the fuck would they care? I have tried to break through it, though.

I have been like, what's going on? What's up? And you're like, you know. You know. I felt like the time we were closest, I was going to Innovative. We ran into each other on Park Avenue South, and you invited me to your birthday.

And I couldn't do it because I was headlining. We saw each other on the street once. And then I felt like it was just downhill from there. But we're back. This is how I feel. The cellar, first of all, I go through depressive episodes where I cannot talk to anybody at the cellar. I'm hiding. I am hiding.

But I usually hide. You sit down and I always say, how's it going? What's up? Why do you look sad? And you're like, you know, it's going. You were like that to the point. And I didn't think you were mad at me. I just thought you were depressed or something was going on.

Sure. And then we went to Moon Tower and me and Tova bonded over that stupid bitch. Remember? That stupid little girl. Oh, yes. You guys went to town. Yes. Yeah.

Who is it? That's also. No. My fucking hotel room was right next to Tova and John Marco. Oh. It was crazy. That was. Shut the fuck up. It was crazy. That was... It was, dude, all day

networking to each other. Spitballing ideas. It was like two people... I thought you were about to make a sex joke. And then at night, it was just... Dude, it was like two people on Adderall for 20... It was like you guys were railing lines of coping being like, yeah, and I really think that you should do this.

And I think you should do this. But you should do this, and this is a good idea. And then just sex. And I was like, they are perfect for each other. They are energizer bunnies, hustlers, like they are the power couple. It was my manager, so we'll... Okay, well, my blessing

is that, and one of the nice things about podcasts, I feel we're in communion now. But don't you feel like you go through depressive episodes where you're in and out of it? No doubt. Right. So anytime you see me and I'm like, what's up? That means if I have to talk to somebody here, if one person talks to me, I will kill myself.

You know what I mean? Sure. You know when you go into the cellar and you're like, if the door guy fist bumps me, it's over. I'm going to blow everything up. You know what I mean? Sure. And I hide in the balcony sometimes, but then somebody comes up and they go are you hiding and i say yes and then they sit down and talk to me crazy sure it's hard doing a job where you have to socialize the whole time i'm more a bitch if i have if i have a bad set it is virtually impossible for me oh i want to dive i'll be okay and i can

talk to people now i feel i truly truly collapse if it's a bad set. You need to get that bad sets are good for you. You've got to get that. You really do have to wrap your head around that because you'll drive yourself nuts. And you'll get into a car accident. It's hard to get used to them because they're just so infrequent. I know. I know.

I actually think that that's true with you. But you should know that they're so infrequent. Listen, I push it. I work new stuff. Is that what you were saying? No, no, no, no. I'm saying, Jesus Christ. Jesus, we are very similar.

I thought you were saying that I was just like, I'm doing the same jokes. No, I'm saying because it's infrequent, you should be happy when it happens because it is a growth spurt. That's a good way to look at it. Yeah. You hear that, Tova? Tell me that next time I'm crying. Real quick, let's plug things What do you want to plug Russell? This is coming out August 15th

Nothing to plug right now Dynasty typewriter Uncle Function Wednesday, September 27th For me, I am headlining Kansas City Comedy Club August 17th through 19th Then I will be headlining The Punchline in San Francisco, August 24th through August 26th.

And, oh, my God, the AC is here. September 25th headlining. Why am I doing any more? Jordan, anything you want to plug? Please subscribe to my YouTube. For the love of God, I have a half hour coming on it. Jordan Jensen, LOL, stop on YouTube. Please subscribe.

Hit the subscribe button. And remember, everyone's going to cheat. Everyone's going to die. This is the downside. Oh, please subscribe. Hit the subscribe button. And remember, everyone's going to cheat. Everyone's going to die. This is The Downside. Oh, wrong button. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Downside.

The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi.