The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #161 Jew for Jesus with Heather McMahan

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

Comedian Heather McMahan shares the downsides of being Christian and finding out you’re Jewish, why god is probably not a woman, getting rejected from Delta’s flight attendant program, the side effects of taking testosterone to freeze your eggs, and how nepotism can work for or against you. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Heather McMahan on Instagram, TikTok, & Twitter Watch Heather's special on Netflix, out October 6: Heather McMahan: Son I Never Had See Heather on The Comeback Tour coming to a city near you this Fall/Winter: https://heatherontour.com/ Follow Ariel Elias on Twitter, Instagram, & TikTok See Ariel in a city near you: https://linktr.ee/ariel_comedy Follow The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi on Instagram Get tickets to our live podcast recording in NYC with Ari Hershkowitz on November 13 here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/700527254877 Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by A Real Pain. From Searchlight Pictures comes one of the buzziest films at Sundance Film Festival, A Real Pain. Written, directed, and starring Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg alongside Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin. Witness a hilarious and moving story about two mismatched cousins as they tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th. Welcome to The Downside. We're jumping right in. Hello. We just met. We just met. Heather. In a frazzle. Hello. First, first, let me, we have, we have a guest co-host. Familiar face, though. Arielle Elias. Welcome back to the downside.

Thanks for having me back. I'm thrilled. A little bit chaotic. Always. I just flew in from Bloomington. How was Bloomington? It was shit. Yeah.

It was bad. I don't know what I, I have no business doing six show weekends, I'll tell you that. I think we could have had one good show if we had taken those six, made it one. And then last night, there's a final of the six. This is in the Mall of America. In the mall. In the mall. In the mall, which you think, foot traffic, but no.

Doesn't seem to translate. It's on the fourth floor. You go in the mall, people don't know there's a comedy club in the mall. Well, there's so much in that mall. That's true. I heard they have a very large Victoria's Secret in Lululemon. So you know what I mean? That's true, I heard they have a very large Victoria's Secret in Lululemon So you know what I mean?

They're going to go chuckle when they've got a 5,000 square foot Lulu to hit I know You go, hey, you can go to a comedy club and laugh Or you can go on a roller coaster Exactly You're competing with an amusement park Have you been there? No, I've just seen, I've just dreamed

So I went on the roller coaster But first, they were about to open It's a Taylor Swift store. That's how big the small is. They have personalized. How big Taylor Swift is. That's how big Taylor Swift is. But,

but I, yeah, I, I went to the sick show and I was like, okay, I've been here six shows. I'm tired, but I'm going to,

let's end with a bang. Right. And I go up there and I, I say something of my girlfriend and a guy immediately goes, you don't have a girlfriend. And I'm like, no, this is not going to be a good show. And I try to get him and I say, what do you think I have?

Big mistake. Big mistake. He said, you're probably dating. And then he said the abbreviated version of transsexual. And I said, oh my God. And one of those where I didn't have a funny out and I didn't want to chastise. And his whole family is with him.

Also, that could still be your girlfriend. Exactly. That's what I should have said. And that would have gotten a real laugh if I said, what would be wrong with that, sir? And his whole family's there and they're not reacting at all. And I plead to his family I say please please if my father said anything

I'd pick him up out of the fucking club but we are we are theater people we are performers so we know that like I like if I go to a show

I also like don't black out you know what I mean I deal with a lot of rowdy women at my shows who like they have them out of the house in a minute a woman got arrested

at my show this weekend just because she got in a fight with her husband and then everyone around them started like being like get the get her out and then like 10 minutes later i saw her mugshot somebody's in it to me and she's in like a cheetah print top and her mugshot and i'm so bummed out i'm like why why can't you just have a couple white wine spritzers why do we need 12 before we go out if you're paying money to go to a show why are we blacking out so we forget it? Of course. Right?

So you were on stage when this happened? I was on stage when the whole thing went down. How far into your set were you? 45 minutes. Okay, so almost done. Unfortunately, I did a 90-minute show, so we were right in the middle of it. Okay.

And yeah, there was just commotion. She kept screaming. But it's weird because I get like positive heckling where they know so much. So that she's just like yelling my mom's name over and over again. And I'm thinking like, has my mom just shown up in the back of the theater?

You know what I mean? Like it's a surprise. And she's probably like 12 rows back. I can't really see. And she just keeps saying, say something about your mom. We want to hear about your mom. And I was like, we'll get to that.

And then I guess the audience around her turned on her and they people became complaining so then it was like it was out of my hands it was out of my hand did security deal were you very rarely do i go wow the comedy club really took care of that real quick i barely even noticed that comedy club jumped right on that it's normally i'm on stage i'm like i'd love if someone did something about this. Were they good or, or they were good because I have a, I have a catchphrase. If I say, can we get this lovely lady or this lovely gentleman,

some water? That means it's time to go. Sure. Because usually at that point I've exhausted all efforts where you try and raz them back or, you know, do some crowd work. But then I just say,

can we get them some water? Which means just at least take them out to the lobby and see if they can sober up. Right. Yeah. And then apparently she started throwing bows at the security guard or the cop and then that was it wow and at that point i'm like well then that's on you like what are we doing though as a society that we need to get that fucking blackout or go to a show at a club on a sunday

night in the mall of america and just yell you know random shit yeah and i would never let my family members do that like Like you said, never. Never. Never. I would never go out with them. Not at all. To an event? And it was just one of those moments where, I've talked about it before, but I had a joke,

and it was about a Brittany Griner, and it had a dark twist. Yeah, we love a dark twist. It had a good dark twist, and not a, it's still, you could be a progressive and still enjoy it. Yeah. You could be a progressive and still enjoy it. But I was in North Carolina, and I said, Britney Griner got released from the prison in Russia,

and someone in the back went, boo. And I did the worst comedic impulse where I said, I think it's good when Americans are released from foreign prisons. Silence. No, even people who agreed, they're like, well, it's not funny. Just like, I have that thing where suddenly I become like I need to.

So I resisted the urge to be like, you shouldn't say that term and had nothing instead. I tried to make a joke about his nephew was there. Something about his boyfriend was his nephew did not work, did not play, did not read. Sometimes the synapses just aren't firing the way that they should and you just come out blank and it's heartbreaking

and devastating when it happens but you just don't have it it's so funny and then you just have to let them win people comment on my crowd work video

sometimes they go he never misses and I'm like brother I miss all I miss more than I missed when I played basketball I don't post the misses it is brutal

yeah but people only see the highlights, right? And now if you're not putting up 6,000 videos of crowd work, it's like, you know? Are you a professional anymore? I had somebody comment on one of my videos. Like, you know, I posted a crowd work thing, and they said, you know, I'm really trying to like crowd work,

but I just don't. And I was like, I don't either. None of us like it, but we have to feed the algorithm every day and there's only so much material that we have yeah hard to write it this is the downside you're listening to the downside the downside with johnside. With Gianmarco Cerezi. Well, I don't even think I said the name, so let me introduce my guest. A comedian, a writer, social media star, actor.

Heather McMahon, welcome to the show. Philanthropist. You forgot? Philanthropist. Forgive me, forgive me. I have it here. Come on, come on. Saving the children with the cancer. No, I don't know. This is The Downside. This is a place, Heather, just so you know,

which is what we just met. This is a place where you can complain, you can kvetch, you can bitch, you can moan. Do you know kvetch? I know k This is the downside. This is a place, Heather, just so you know, which is what we just met. This is a place where you can complain. You can kvetch. I love it. Do you know kvetch? I know kvetch. Okay, good. Quarter Jewish.

Yes, yes. Quarter Jewish? Only quarter, and I found out recently. Yes. How recently? So my mother called me one day, randomly, a couple months ago, and she was like, you're never going to believe this.

We're Jews. I said, what do you mean, we're Jews? Raised Christian, okay? Raised in a Christian school. Saved in the blood of Christ. And I said, so she found out her mom was adopted. And she was technically Italian Jewish. But raised Italian Catholic, my grandmother.

So technically on my grandmother's side, on my mom's side, we're Jews. Jews from Italy? From Italy. See, amazing. Because I'm Jewish on my mom's side, Tanya on my dad's side. Some Sicilians reached out, like Instagram. We have the same last name.

And they said, we're Jews. And I need to do the research. But part of me is like, maybe I'm even Jewish on my dad's side. Would you be crazy? And so we're Sicilian. It would also make all of the sense. It would make all of the sense. Yes, it would make all the sense.

We're Sicilian. And that's where the Italian Jews came from, Sicily. Huh. Sicilian. Sicilian. Messina. That's the town we're from Sicily. Huh. Sicilian. Sicilian, Messina. That's the town we're from. It's a street in Palermo. Great, great.

We love it. We love it. So we might, I am apparently a part of the tribe, but I'm really conflicted because I love Jesus Christ. So what do I do? Sure, sure. Did you, does it mean, I mean, have you processed it yet? Well, I did say that I would love to do Passover.

You know, Yom Kippur is coming up, but I don't, that's too soon. You know what I mean? But Passover I could be ready for. Yom Kippur is also too deep of a dive to take first. Which is Yom Kippur? Yom Kippur is the atoning for, no, that's Rosh Hashanah. Excuse me. It's okay.

You're very new. It's so new. Take some time. Yom Kippur is close to New Year's. It's 10 days later. And it's when we atone for our sins and we fast for the day. The joke I always wrote about it was that as a woman

Yom Kippur is my favorite holiday because I'm used to apologizing for things I don't even remember and not eating for a day. Yes. Amen. Amen, sis. I thought that's so hard. Yom Kippur is an intense one. You beat your chest. You apologize for your sin. You're not going ham on it, which we don't do. We don't do ham. But you're apologizing all day.

You have to reach out to people and be like, hey, I'm sorry if I hurt you. It seems a little gaslighting, right? I guess it is a little gaslighting, right? Like, I guess it is a little gaslighting. I think the idea is that you're apologizing for things you don't even know if you did them because your actions can have unintended consequences that you don't even realize. So you're apologizing for everything. By the way, I didn't know any of this. So I'm learning this just along with you. Wow.

You have so many new jokes that have opened up. Yeah, really. You say so many Holocaust jokes just right out the gate. Right out the gate. I have a clip from our last episode, and I'm trying to clear it, because we say the word Holocaust, you say the word Holocaust several times.

As I do. And I have to make sure TikTok doesn't ban it, because they think... Is Holocaust a banned word on TikTok? Nazi is the word. I got shadow banned as a terrorist on Facebook. Really? Oh my god. As if the Nazis are always just saying

the word Nazi. Like that's how you catch them. They're constantly just saying it as opposed to alluding to it. Yeah. So, well, I'm very happy to have another Jew. This wasn't going to be a super Jew-y episode. Honestly, we were going to talk about Christianity, but I guess not. Listen, we can lean in. I will tell you

about the light of the Lord. You know, I'll tell you what I've grown up with, but I'm free to go whichever way you want to go. But do you say to yourself now, oh, Christ was a Jew? And you're like, well, now you're... Does being a Jew make you even closer to the thing? It should make me even closer to the thing. You know what I mean? But I do

also believe, you know, I don't know, he died for my sins. So they're like, he's still coming back. You know what I mean? But I do also believe, you know, I don't know, he died for my sins. So, they're like, he's still coming back. I go, I think he arose.

You know, so it's, I'm just really going through it. I'm going to Italy this week, so I think maybe get back in touch with those Italian roots and then we'll see.

We'll just, I'm along for the journey. Have you thought about Jews for Jesus? Have you looked into that? So, I mentioned that to my mom. That's what she is already.

Yeah, I technically am a Jew for Jesus. And my mom goes, oh, I don't think they got a great reputation. True. What did they do? Oh, I don't know. I don't think they did anything crazy. Are you telling me that there's a religious organization that has some bad past behavior? I know my mom always had a little chip on her shoulder about them calling themselves Jews.

Because the whole thing of being Jewish is that Jesus is not your Lord and Savior. Sure. Yeah. I mean, that's not the whole thing, but that's a big thing. Yeah, but Jews, there's so many different flavors at this point. You're like, might as well. I'm a non-Jew Jew. Yeah, it's like seltzer.

Yes. You're a non-Jew Jew. No, no, no. I'm just saying, I've heard reconstructionists. What are them all? Hasid Jew. No, no, no. I'm just saying, like, I've heard reconstructionist. What are them all? Hasidic. Right. Orthodox.

Conservative. Chabad, which is under Hasidic. Reform. Reform. Reconstructionist. Kabbalah. Kabbalah. I thought that was vice president.

And then culturally. Sure. Secular. Secular. Non-humanist. Non-humanist. What's a non-humanist? I don't know.

I've just heard it in conjunction with secular. And it sounds good, right? And Jews for Jesus. There you go. Jews for Jesus just doesn't have the, it doesn't, all those things sound like they're religious and then Jews for Jesus sounds like it's the four spelled with the number. That's why you know they're not really Jews. Well, let's just get right into the religion.

Fuck it. Just get in it. You were raised religiously. Yes, I went to a Christian school my whole life, was baptized, you know what I mean, did the thing. Yeah. I mean, I'm from Atlanta, Georgia, but I'm half Italian, half like Scots-Irish,

but wasn't raised Catholic. I was just raised kind of non-denominational Christian. I'd say I lean probably more Methodist, you know? They're pretty chill. Methodist or chill? Methodist or chill. I remember they had that commercial in the early aughts that was, it was in a church at a pew, and then there were two women who were dressed like sex workers, and there was

like a little springboard that threw them out. And then there were these two gay couple, you know, like a gay couple, and then a little springboard threw them out, and then somebody else. And then it said, but here at the Methodist church, we take everybody. We do.

We take them all. So then the spring, then they land in the Methodist church? They land in the baptism pool, and then they were saved in the blood. Yeah, that's how that went. But this was 2004, 2005. It was very progressive for the time yeah uh yeah sure sure um okay so you were raised with that then so you had a baptism had a

baptism yeah and my mom grew up italian catholic but didn't like that she went to confessional that whole thing didn't make sense to her and she was like why am i praying to like the the saints like the peters and the pauls and all this when there's one person that you should throw your cares and worries to, which was Jesus? Sure. So my mom was kind of anti-Catholic, non-denominational. So I don't know. I'm just kind of like a mutt.

What about your dad? My dad was raised kind of non-denominational Christian as well. So glad this is the first thing out the gate, that we're just peeling back the layers up. So, okay. And my husband's catholic italian catholic but the interesting thing is because i went to christian school and i didn't go to catholic school like christian school they really drive home the the um uh revelation part

of it so like i'll quiz my husband i'll be like do you know like the you know the seven uh what is it the four horsemen and the seven trumpets he's like i have no idea what the fuck you're talking about seven trumpets yeah like at the end of the end of the world french horn yeah exactly like different people you mean yeah yeah though like the signs at the time so i was like kind of went to a jesus is returning any minute so get your life right religion and so i i know all about revelation but my husband who grew up like staunch catholic he can't he didn't know any verses he knows a lot of tradition but he doesn't know like a lot of Bible study. Does that make sense? Yes. Was there anxiety of, of like, if you were doing something naughty, you said, Oh, what if it's now? Like, you don't have,

you have fire alarms at school. Did you have like Jesus alarms? Like Jesus is coming. He's here. He's here. No, we did not have those. We did not have those. Actually. I think it was fairly, well, I did go to such a conservative Christian school, though, that was a sect called Church of Christ, which is actually really fucked up. They don't believe in music, because dancing, even though I'm like, hello, didn't Gabriel and everybody else

dance and rejoice for the Lord? So there was a lot of that shit that I didn't listen to. There was a lot of guilt there. I grew up at a school that they didn't teach you about absence or anything. It was just, you know, if you touch a penis, you'll, your hand will fall off kind of vibe. Sure.

And. But I had a good home upbringing. So my parents were like, that's bullshit. You know what I mean? Like, don't be crazy. How did you parse all that out? Because here's, here's my curiosity is that you do believe in this thing that's tied to an institution, but it sounds like you carved out your parents just carved out

kind of whatever you know well my parents sent me to a grade school but then i would come home and i would tell them things and my dad was like this is fucking crazy that's not actually accurate so i don't know i just had like very like cool liberal parents who also love the lord but were like don't listen because you got to live in like the real world to not be a fucking cuckoo it's like christianity a la carte a little bit a little It's like Christianity a la carte. A little bit. A little bit. Christianity a la carte. And when I go to steakhouses,

I almost don't ever get the filet. I get the sides. I like the cream spinach. You know what I mean? The load of baked potato. I like the seafood tower. But being able to touch a dick once in a while. Exactly.

Exactly. What about hell? Was hell in your mind? Oh yeah, hell's a real thing. Yeah, and sometimes when I take a gummy, I'll go on YouTubes at night and then I'll watch people who say that they've been to hell,

that they've seen it and they've like come back, they had outer body experiences. So I'm like, I do believe hell is a thing. And when they have out of body experiences, do they go to hell? Yeah, they do. Take a gummy, get on my level.

It's a wild ride. Why would you do that on a gummy? I'd be freaking out. I know you'd think you'd be freaking out, but then I'm like, like i think i'm okay you know what i mean i don't know it like actually makes me feel better i'm like i'm gonna be good but i know it's real i was so i guess apparently when i went on my gummy i was at that mall i got high and i went to the theme park with my opener ty colgate and suddenly i thought about all the rides i looked at all the kids around because it was all kids it's sponongebob themed. And I was like,

oh, what if I get decapitated on one of these rides because they're not used to people my height riding these rides. And when I get high, my mind goes there and I asked every single ride operator, will I get decapitated on this ride? And every single one said,

I don't think so. I don't think so. Somebody just got decapitated on Magic Mountain. Space Mountain. In Disney? Yes. Or lost an arm. Lost a hand. A tall man. Put his arm up. That's what they say. Don't put your arms up. And he lost an arm at fucking Disney. Arms okay. I can handle arms.

I'm keeping the arms down. I'm from Kentucky. I can't remember if it was Kings Island in Cincinnati or Kentucky Kingdom in Louisville. I think it was Kentucky Kingdom. There was, you know, the elevator, the plummet one. Yeah. There was a girl on it, and one of the cables snapped, and it chopped off her feet.

Oh, both feet? Both feet. Ah! Can I tell you, I was a big roller coaster person growing up, and then after my dad died, I went with one of my best friends to Six Flags in Atlanta. And I was like, let's go ride rides. Like, do the usual shit we used to do with my dad. It was like a thing. And we got on, we were front row on the Gladiator ride.

And I literally was like, I don't have life insurance. Like, I finally, I think if you go back and do roller coasters in your 30s, you're like, what the fuck am I doing here? Like, I kind of had that moment where I was like, this thing, it was a 15-year-old kid with braces on who pressed the start button on this fucking thing. You do see how young these kids are running it. These kids are too young running the show, okay? And they're not paying attention. They're making a TikTok in the corner.

Exactly. I mean, the kid didn't even have, like, probably a driver's permit, and they're going to check my seatbelt as I'm on the front of this fucking ride going 100 miles an hour? No, absolutely not. At least at the mall, I imagine it's people who live there who work there.

You're not getting the carnival workers who are traveling. Sure. But when they strap me in, this is where a little bit of that OCD creeps out. I'm checking that thing 20 times. Just like, okay, but if I push it in, then is it free? Okay, okay. And you know when you push it in and it'll lock tighter

and then you panic? What was the ride recently? I was at Disney World not too long ago and I'm not a Disney adult by any means, but I was doing the one where you lay down, right?

So you're flat and then it got... The bat. Yes. The bat one. That's Six Flags. Six Flags, maybe? It was either Universal Studios

or Disney. Disney doesn't own DC, I don't think. Maybe they do. Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows? They own Marvel, right? That's theirs? Yes, they own DC, I don't think. Maybe they do. Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows? They own Marvel, right? That's theirs?

Yes, they own Marvel. Wow. All right. Look at her. But I just got stuck. We were coming back into the station, if you will, and you're on your tummy, and then all of a sudden it stopped, and we were stopped for like a solid five minutes, and the wait when you've got double D tits, and you're just like hanging there.

I said, no, too long. I'm done. After that, I was like, it's a wrap. And I wasn't fearful. I just felt, I was like, I shouldn't have been hanging that long. You know what I mean? Yes. I'm good. I'm was like it's a wrap and I wasn't fearful I just felt I was like I shouldn't have been hanging that long you know what I mean I'm good

I'm out it's a wrap yeah it's not an experience you need to have anymore ever yeah yeah

it's it's it's one of those things where I always go in my head I went skydiving once and I was like oh if I die doing this I deserve it

right I'm totally pushing my luck here this is insane I didn't need to do this at all but I do feel such, I do feel a deep sense of accomplishment like this rollercoaster. I mean, it wasn't that big, but in the mall it felt big. It was just like all the way up, sudden drop upside down. And I felt so

honestly more proud of myself doing that and forcing myself to go on it than I do many other things in my life. Wait, why did you feel proud? Proud because I was scared and I was like, I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. And I was like, I'm going to do it. And then you do it. And it's just a real good feeling. I connect to that feeling.

Listen, I've been living by that motto. If it doesn't scare you, you don't grow from it. You know what I mean? It's going to scare you a little bit. If only you could translate that to commitment in relationships. She said it. I didn't. So to commitment in relationships. She said it. I didn't. So that would be amazing if you said it.

Just knowing me for 20 minutes, you're like, I can tell. Like, wow, I read you like a book. So when you're on the roller coaster, do you think about Jesus? Do you say, please protect me? Or do you go, Jesus has better things to do right now? No, I am one with the Lord all the time. I'm always talking to Jesus. I believe he is everywhere, omnipresent.

You know what I mean? I believe he's around us all the time. And I think he wants you to chit-chat with him. I mean, even the dumbest thing. You know what I mean? I'm walking to the bodega. Jesus, be a fence. I really believe in the breastplate of righteousness,

the shin guards of truth, the helmet of loyalty. We learned about that in Bible school. I don't know about any of these. Oh, yeah. It's the armor of God. You put on the armor of God every day. You get on. You put your socks of, I don't know about any of these oh yeah it's it's the armor of god you put on the armor of god every day you get on you put your socks of i don't know um grace you know what i mean you put your your gloves of of chastity on and you just start your day yeah i always say it's it's the armor of god when you get out you gotta fight because there's

demonic spirits all around when you gotta get out there into the real world you have your armor of god you know nothing's gonna fuck with you it's obviously like you know get out there into the real world, you have your armor of God. You know, nothing's gonna fuck with you. It's obviously like, you know, I'm not being for real, but I also sometimes, I say, I rebuke it in the name of Jesus every day. If I see something like a bad energy, I'm like, rebuke it. Get away from me. Do you? Well, that's what you said when I first met you. You said

I rebuke you in the name of Jesus. I did. And I hissed a little. Is this a Christian greeting? No, I hissed a little. It was a, yeah. Yeah, I'll be speaking in tongues here in about five. So, yeah. Yeah, well, you're going to say the same thing when you get your 23andMe results back and it finds out you're a big old Jew. And I'll be ready. I rebuke it.

I rebuke it. I rebuke it. Yeah. Do you go to church? No, I don't go to church. I think growing up in like a super uber Christian school, too, I just feel like God is around me all the time. You know what I mean? I don't know.

I don't need to go to an actual church, go to a service to feel connection. Okay, so here's my question. And then I, is that, so you obviously know that with Christianity, there are people who say abstinence is a huge part of the thing you're talking about. Or people that say you can't be gay.

Or the people that say you can't listen to music, I guess. In your own mind, is it, is this a metaphor for a feeling? How literal is it? How did you, how did you get to decide which parts of this from your upbringing are for real and which parts are homophobia, which parts are, uh, you know, sexually, uh, uh, just stupid. The same way your parents did when they raised you. I think at the end of the day,

God's going to come back and be like, y'all are all a bunch of assholes. I gave you a commandment, right? Love me, put me before everybody else, and don't be an asshole. Literally, I think he's going to come back and be like, I told you not to be an asshole, and somehow y'all all ended up being assholes.

How poorly you've treated each other. So I was just trying to say, I'm not leading with any sort of judgment or any of that. I'm just like, you know, God's going to, he's going to come back and be like, you are all my children and y'all acted like a bunch of assholes. Period.

Period. You know? Does God, do you look like anything? I, you know, I always thought kind of like a gentle. A Gentile? A Gentile for sure. Yes, a Gentile. No, I don't know. I always thought kind of like a tender, like a Gentile, a Gentile. Yes. No,

I don't know. I always thought kind of like a tender man. You know what I mean? Like just a nice, maybe like six year old man. It was like kind, you know what I mean? I don't know. Maybe he drove a bus or something,

but was like gentle. You know, the guy that you see on like the tick tocks. So they're always like, you know, this, uh, this like LA bus driver did the right thing by stopping the bus and saving a

puppy like that kind of face. Maybe his name's Carl. I don't know, just that gentle face. Beard? Yeah, for sure. Gentle beard, though. Well kept, you know what I mean? White?

No, not necessarily. Could lean, you know, yes, well, yeah, probably white. Probably white. No, but could be also like a gentle, older black man, you know what I mean? Also who would stop the bus for a puppy. So, I don't know.

I think we can all agree, not a woman. Yes, I can agree with you there. I'm skeptical, but not a woman. Not a woman. Don't get crazy. Could never be a woman. If there's one thing that the Jews and the non-Jews, that we all have in common, it's that God is not a woman.

It's that a woman could never do it. Yeah. Yeah. Bumble knows it's hard to start conversations. Hey. No, too basic. Hi there. Still no.

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Chicken from Popeye's. sandwich today at Popeyes before it ghosts you for another year. Well, I was glad Ariel was here because I have no Southern anything, but Southern Jew. Kentucky. I love that. I love Kentucky. Kentucky is my spot. Really? Yes.

I love it. I love all of it. Kentucky is just a great spot. As Southerners, like if you were to meet at a party randomly, nothing in common, do you think like after talking you'd be like, are you from the South? Like do you think there would be things that would come up? Yeah, I think so, absolutely. Now granted, what part of Kentucky are you from? I'm from Lexington.

Love Lexington. Love Lexington. One of my favorite cities. I would literally be like, oh my God, yes, Lexington, duh, UK. Like, you know what I mean? Yes, I think it's a very Southern thing. It's like if you're from the North, right? You're like, oh, New York, New Jersey, tri-state, da-da-da-da.

You go down to the shore, like it's the same shit. Sure. Yeah. There's a certain way in which, like at a party, that you just have a conversation. And I think the things that you talk about and the things you bring up and the way that you converse is very different from how people in the North talk. I've never heard you say, bless his heart. I don't, you know. Can you start saying that?

Bless your heart. Bless his heart. It's a little too passive-aggressive for me and southern culture is very passive-aggressive but my parents are from new jersey so i have a different i have a different vernacular i do too because my mom's from boston yeah so i grew up saying like sneakers you know what i mean and stuff like that like it was never a tennis shoe like i'm gonna say i go i grab your tennis shoes i'm like i don't play tennis it's a sneakeraker. You know? But just, yeah, I don't say I was never a bless your heart, but this is what I love about the South when people say bless your heart. We always have the

joke like, you know, people don't we don't gossip in the South. We have prayer requests. You know what I mean? Y'all, we're gonna pray for Tamara. You know, she just got her boobs done. One of them didn't settle right. It's just a way to gossip. But you always say, we're gonna pray for her. We're gonna pray for her. You know, her husband left her because her vagina's a little wonky. know what i mean that's that's a hundred percent

a southern thing and i'm obsessed with it i love touched i love saying somebody's touched oh yeah you don't say somebody's stupid you don't say they're they're you know they're you don't say like the r word you call them touched okay that's actually a new one for me i didn't think you were going to use it in that in that way how do use it? I was just thinking you were going to say, like, oh, I was touched. That's a real Southern. Oh, no. That is touching. Honey.

When you call somebody touched. I like that because I feel like I always, I never want to use the word crazy. I feel like crazy's become, especially if you're talking about a lady, it's like, don't say crazy, but touched. There's some crazy bitches out there, though. Sure. Yeah. But I think there's just a thing, so many guys, they go, oh, I cheated on my girlfriend. She got mad. There's some crazy bitches out there, though. Sure. But I think there's just a thing. So many guys, they go, oh, I cheated on my girlfriend.

She got mad. She's crazy. You're like, okay, I can't say crazy. But I cheated on my girlfriend. She's a little touched about it. Yeah. That I can say. Yes, you can say that.

But no, Southerners find each other. Southerners absolutely find each other. It's true. Especially Southern Jews. Yeah. We find each other. Find one another. Find each other and they storm the capital. Well, you just have...

No, not the Jews. It's too much exercise. We just like, we find... You find yourself hitting it off with somebody. You're not quite sure why. And then you just kind of casually go like, oh, you know, at the synagogue. And they're like... For me, when I was younger, I always felt that way with kids with divorced parents.

I always felt like people who had divorced parents, there was some wavelength we spoke on. And that was my culture, more that I didn't grow up with the Judaism or with any kind of culture. And it was that. It was probably like fucked up, depressed. Broken homes. Insulated, broken homes isolated broken homes that is a specific culture in the way that we would go to services on friday or you would go to church on sunday you go to your dad's house on saturday there you go great observation again for those listening for the first time this is the downside if you're if

you're uh if you want to hear more join the the Patreon. Patreon.com slash downside. Bonus episodes, live episodes, my comedy special, The Rats Are In Me. Check it out. Patreon.com slash downside. Speaking of downsides, I flew Delta today. And I know you have a connection to Delta. I am Delta loyal. I don't care. Do you have a special thing because her grandfather flew a pilot?

Oh, yes. How do you know that? I do my research. I love that. I do my research. I don't research so tell me yeah my grandfather was chief pilot for Delta

for a very long time and he won the Dadalian safety award because he saved a Delta flight from crashing so he's like legit gang gang shout out to

Captain Jack McMahon up in the sky but also my grandma but not like in the literal like dead way yeah yeah yeah dead

he was in the sky also when he was alive right he's dead but not from crashing thank god um no i'm just i'm a big delta loyalist i only live in delta hubs like i lived in new york i lived in la now i'm back in atlanta i have a special thing i i love delta my cat's name is delta yeah oh my god but do you have because of your family do you have like uh no no i don't get any sort of like uh perks of it i mean i fight for diamond status just like everybody else wait

on hold when you call they don don't put you on hold. No, and I'm waiting to get 360, and here's the thing. Do you know about 360? Are you status people? Are you big status people? I'm a status person, and there was an announcement. I know. I wanted to talk about this. It's a fucking announcement. I know, but okay. Do you know about the announcement? I know about the announcement.

You know about the announcement. That's what I'm saying. For people listening, this is the biggest part of it, is that other than the way you have to qualify to become a Medallion member, they say even if you're a Medallion member, you can use the Delta Lounge ten times a year. It's insane. I use it ten times a week. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, okay.

They're going to cancel it. People are furious. They are furious. And I have the Delta Reserve card, so I like the highest Amex. Me too. Yeah, you get it. Purple. The purple.

The purple one. The heavy purple. I am too. One personal, one business. It's over. It's it because you get the point the purple the purple one heavy purple one personal one business it's over it's over just get the american express platinum we'll discuss but here's my thing one of my dearest friends megan who's just like oh mississippi power lesbian she calls me the other day as soon as he announced like he goes heather this is good news for us they're thinning out the herd i did have that thought too i was like you know what this is great because there's nothing more fucking annoying when you travel as much as comedians do and you're already spending the money on the fucking flights and then it's a 45 minute wait for the cincinnati sky club and you're like this is i i mean i live in the sky clubs so fuck it me too i will still make diamond

status because the amount i travel so let's so diamond will get you unlimited or no no no $75,000 on the card. Okay, wait, I don't know. Wait, what is the new thing? See, here's the thing. The way they did it, though, is the way that American and United and everybody else has been doing it. It's only Miles Dollars qualification.

Okay. MQDs, Miles Qualification. Yeah, Dollars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, no, if you have the card, there's something where it equals out to, like, for every $10 you spend, it's like 10 miles. Sure, sure.

We're still going to be fucked. You're just going to have to spend a lot of fucking money. Or you're going to have to buy a membership to the Sky Club, which if it's like $1,000 a year, it's worth it to me. It would be worth it. And it's probably a write-off. It is a write-off. But if I'm going to pay $1,000, because I'm always there in the morning, and this breakfast, man. Yeah.

Breakfast, you've got to mix it up a little bit. And like New York's the best one, and it still is the same fucking shit. I think LA's the, man. Yeah. Breakfast. You gotta mix it up a little bit. And like New York, New York's the best one and it still is the same fucking shit. I think LA's the best one. You go to some of these other places. It's dire. There's nothing. I'm just not eating boiled eggs. Just boiled eggs every fucking morning. That's awful. There's no greens. There's no greens? There's no greens? There's an oatmeal

and a boiled egg. I know. And here's my thing. If they are going to start charging people, they gotta go and redo all of them. And I'm in Atlanta. That's my hub. And I've literally thing. If they are going to start charging people, they got to go and redo all of them. And I'm in Atlanta. That's my hub. And I have literally been at the D gates and been like, listen,

this is insane. We got to upgrade. The Atlanta airport is the worst airport in America. It's the busiest airport in the world. Really? Absolutely. I'm there five days a week. I will say,

I will put Dallas Fort Worth up there with you. Dallas is terrible if you're flying Delta. It's so busy. There are like two bathrooms in the terminal. There will always be a line. Very few food options in the Delta terminal. Yeah. That's why you got to fly out of Dallas love.

I feel like if you go anywhere, though, I've heard so many times in my life, this is the worst airport. That is the worst airport. It's like, yeah, we all. It's almost like our infrastructure is crumbling. Yeah. They're all bad. They're all.

It's almost like it. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I went to Seattle and they were like, this is the worst all bad. It's almost like it. I went to Seattle and they were like, this is the worst airport in the world. I liked Seattle. It was lovely. You have that experience. But they had one bad flight and they missed the flight to the Bahamas and they said, this is the worst airport in the entire world. No, Atlanta is the worst airport. It's the busiest. Our plane train is always

down. We're doing construction. There's too much carpet. It's just too many people. Two Delta lounges though, right? No, there's like eight Delta lounges. But they need to be updated. They're not big enough. They're not big enough. It's a shit show. I do hate when you go and there's fruit, but it's all soggy in the juices.

And then you eat it and it's a little tangy. Yeah. I already did this on an episode. I said, this has got to stop. I will do it again. If the banana is not edible, you didn't serve fruit. If the banana is so green I can't even open it, that doesn't count as you gave me anything. I agree.

What is it there for decoration? They put this out, and I'm like, this is a joke. They put it out, and they go, hey, future people will enjoy this. Yeah. Yeah. This is for them. Come back in three days. We'll have bananas for you.

On your way back. On your way back. We'll give you a ripe banana. Yeah. But for you, this is, I almost apologize for doing research, but your dad couldn't be a Delta pilot. Yes. Because of the.

Back in the day, they used to have a nepotism clause. So my dad ended up working for Eastern Airlines. Tell me what a nepotism clause is though. Nepotism clause is basically like, I don't have children, but my children could never work for the same company that I want to. No matter what. Even if they prove that they're incredibly capable? Yes, I guess.

This was back in the 70s, right? 80s. So, yes. So my dad went and got- Imagine if Judd Apatow's children couldn't be in movies. You know, people get upset, though, about the Nepo baby things, and I'm like, I don't give a fuck. It does not bother me.

If you're talented, I just saw Maude Apatow in Cabaret on the West End, and she was so fucking good, she could spelt her face off. Cabaret. Was it Cabaret? Yes. It's so funny.

Yeah, I think it was Cabaret. I saw Cabaret on the West End in high school, and it was one of the worst productions I've ever seen in my entire life. A naked sailor came out. You know how whoever owns the landlord or whatever, she sleeps around. And this guy came out nude, and his cock was so big, he went like this, and it went.

And I was sitting there with my mom. And it was so bad that at the end. Was it a prosthetic? No, it was a big schlong. that at the end Was it a prosthetic? No, it was a Raw dog. It was a big schlong.

Okay. And at the end their metaphor for it was as the MC was like Un cabaret Yeah. He started putting on the pajamas for

you know, a Holocaust game. Right. And it was so bad that people started giggling. People started giggling. They're like getting on the train for the Un cabaret

Yeah. Un cabaret And it was one of the worst things I've ever seen but maude fucking crush it yes it was cabaret i like blacked out for a second yes it was so incredible she was so great and so i walked out there i literally was like you know what good for these nepo babies if you got the talent you fucking do it but the word if is doing the work there yes yes yes i think if you're bad you certainly anyone who succeeds in show business

who's bad get ready for some criticism exactly but the bottom line is people like get so worried about nepo babies in hollywood i'm like we're be worried about the nepo babies in the fucking government and in the fucking infrastructure and the this that like at yale medical school that's that's what worries me yeah that's the person who's going to operate on somebody and it matters. Yeah. Agreed. All of a sudden it's Maude Apatow operating on you. But if they want to be in like Superbad 6,

like fucking do it. But it's also not saving lives. It's also this degree of like, it's like, yeah, Judd Apatow can put whoever he wants in his movie. It's his movie. It's his movie. Like he has to be like, no. It's his movie. That's how it works. It's his movie. Like,

he has to be like, no. It's like bringing an opener. Exactly. It's the same. You bring whoever you want to open for you.

Judd Apatow's just bringing his kids to open for his movies. I think it's fantastic. Great. Do it. Great observation there. Yes,

he's bringing his opener and it's Maude and Iris. Is he the other child? I think Iris. Well, I was blown away. I literally was like,? I think Iris. Well, I was blown away. I literally was like, Maude, I was blown away. She has a phenomenal voice.

She crushed it. So good for the Apatow. Good for the Apatows. Good to see them finally have a come up. Good for them. Yeah. Yeah. So your dad, he ended up flying for a different airline?

No, he never flew professionally. So he went and ran the lavatory truck at Eastern Airlines, which is now defunct. And that's how he met my mom in the Miami International baggage claim. My mom was a ticket agent and my dad heard there was a hot new redhead working there. And my mom's 12 years older than my late father.

So he went down there and flirted and my mom found out what department he was working in the next day, called him and then the rest is history. So no, my dad, my dad was a private pilot, like flew for fun. But my dad was in the mortgage biz forever. And then he flew and had like a hangar at an airport in Atlanta. But no, he was never a professional pilot.

But you were on a plane a lot where your dad was flying. Yes, yeah. We were the kids like, you know, people went on road trips or, you know, had lake houses. We had a tiny little Cessna four-seater. And my dad would literally pick us up on Fridays at 3 o'clock from from school we would have our shit in a duffel bag and we would hop in this tiny little airplane we'd fly down to like hilton head oh yeah being a pilot i feel like it's wild it would it would you'd feel if my dad flew me somewhere you'd be like thank you for

spending time with me first sure yeah but i feel like i would respect him. Even with all the struggles we have, if we then went into the sky, where I have natural fear, I'm in the sky, and the only person preventing us from crashing is my father, it would make you a king. You're flying the plane. You know magic. I feel like pilots would have a big ego because of this. Well, and I think pilots nowadays don't get enough credit. Like, my big thing is if you're walking off a flight, the first person I say thank you to, obviously, to the flight attendants. But I always literally either try and shake the pilot's hand because I'm a pilot's, like, kid. But I'm always like, thank you so much.

Like, when people just walk off a fucking flight and they have not acknowledged our Lord and Savior, the pilot, what are we doing here? The man in the sky. In the middle of the flight i'm trying to get in the cockpit say let me give you a massage yeah yeah exactly exactly okay okay but but no offense to pilots these days with the computers what is being a pilot you press a button wow okay okay what are they doing the machine taking off the headset and leaving no i'm kidding no but i mean you know if you're in, say you're flying into Seattle, right? And you've got zero visibility.

They've got to know how to land that bitch. Those computers are not just running the show. They still have to physically do a zero visibility landing. There's also very little way for them to predict turbulence. And so they have to figure it out on the fly of like going above or below those those little pockets of turbulence so that's and to anybody listening who is afraid of flying just want you to know that my dad always said the best thing pilots you have to remember if you're getting nervous on an airplane the staff and the crew want to get there just as safely as you want to get there so when people lose their

shit and like oh it's out of control the pilots also want to have control of the sure unless it's that one pilot in germany who took down the plane on purpose because he was suicidal. In that case, he probably didn't. And that's why you've got to have two pilots. That's why you've got to have two pilots. And in China this year? Yes, that did also happen. Did you see that?

Uh-uh. Oh, it was a commercial plane. The pilot took it down. But you know what? You could be in it. Sorry. For those listening who were scared of flying, I'm sorry to reintroduce it to you it's incredible though because when i first started touring i i i wasn't scared of flying but i had a little bit of thing i have almost nothing now

i fly so much now it has almost my father hasn't flown for like a decade. Really? It just, who knows what started in him. He had a near, he had a scary plane thing. But now I'm so over it. Yeah. I remember back in the day, if I heard noises, I would just be like, what was that noise? Right. So when you land the plane, you go up to the pilot. And do you say like, my dad was a pilot?

No, no, no, no. I literally just say, thank you so much. I just like make eye contact and give like a firm handshake ever go like hey great job yeah yeah yeah sometimes way to go i'm not as casual but i'm usually like that was fantastic thanks for the safe flight i'm just cheesy like that no that's great it's really important to me but that's also like when you come from a line of like pilots like that's what you do you know what i mean and i i will find myself telling the flight attendants, you know, I was rejected by Delta to be a flight attendant. I went through like the whole thing. I when I didn't after my dad died, I was living in L.A.

I picked up my life. I moved back to Atlanta because I was like, oh, I got to help my mom. My sister was like, we got to figure out what the new normal is. Because my dad died very quickly of cancer and it was very sudden. So then I was like, well, I guess, you know, what am I going to do while my comedy career is on pause i'm gonna become a delta flight attendant and then i went for like the interview yes i because i was like at least i get to travel around and i was like i was in my early 20s so i was like i can have some new experiences right and i was like i can still do comedy on the side but then i can fly during the week or whatever i am i subconsciously it's also a way to be close with your dad. Absolutely. Connection. And I got rejected from the program.

And I didn't even go in telling them, like, who my grandfather was. I literally went in and was just like, oh, I mean, this is fantastic. This is like an audition. I'm going to crush it. I showed up, like, at 7 a.m. at the Delta headquarters. I had the suit on. I had the, you know, the ascot around the neck. Like, I was playing the part.

And then I didn't get the job. And I was devastated. But how exactly, what happened? Did you serve peanuts when they said no peanuts? No, no, no. Like, literally, you have to go through a rigorous testing. Do you know it's easier to get into Harvard than to become a Delta flight attendant? Easier to get into

Harvard. Okay. Yep. It is. You're gonna have to break it down because I'm being honest. And be honest, too. You don't believe that's true? Now, it's different. Now, okay, but I'm gonna tell you it's different. The American flight attendants and the United flight attendants, other airlines, they're union that's true? Now, it's different. Now, okay, but I'm going to tell you it's different. The American flight attendants and the United flight attendants, other airlines, they're unionized, right? So once you're in, you're never getting out.

It's Delta. Delta, it's private. Yeah. So it's real deal. Listen, I put on a great razzle-dazzle show. I have no doubt. I don't even buy it. Could not even believe that I didn't get it. Do you know why?

Do you get a test score on the way back? I have a feeling I worked for, I was a concierge in LA for a high-profiled family, and I brought that up, and I'm not going to say who the family was here, but I think that that was like a red flag. Osama bin Laden? Basically, basically.

This is the one thing the one requirement I think that was it I think that it was something that they thought it was sketchy but the irony of it is so then the comedy starts working

and then Delta sponsored my first tour and then the flight attendants invited me in to do flight training school and I got to jump down the slide do all the thing

and spend a day with all the Delta flight attendants is the slide fun? the slide is so much fun maybe you enjoyed the slide, do all the thing and spend a day with all the Delta flight attendants. Is the slide fun? The slide is so much fun. Yeah. Maybe you enjoyed the slide too much. Maybe you want to have a crash. Oh, she wants to have this crash. Yeah.

But they do make you one of the drills when you're like auditioning if you want to be a flight attendant is they set up, they put you in these like scenarios. So they set up the cart, right? So you have to fill the cart with like all the snacks,

all the drinks, all this yadda yadda yadda and you have to work in a team. Well, I thought, I was like, I'm natural born leader. Of course I'm going to delegate this. You do the sun chips, you do the peanuts,

and maybe I was too bossy. I don't fucking know, but I was being watched like a hawk, and I did not get the job. But listen, everything turns out the way it needs to be, right? I mean, not always, not for the people in that flight in China. Oh my God, okay, okay. Also Malaysia, what happened there? Have you been watching the documentaries on Malaysia? That's also, I can't put my finger. Okay. Okay. Also Malaysia. What happened there? Have you been watching the documentaries on Malaysia?

That's also, I can't put my finger on it. Just that it disappeared. That's the one that disappeared, right? Yeah. Yeah. But a couple of documentaries came out about it. And they think that was a suicidal pilot too. They do.

But there's also something like I'm just getting a gut feeling something's not right there. You know what I mean? What do you think? What do you think it was? I think maybe an alien abduction or those people are like sitting on a base somewhere being held hostage. I don't know. I just,

I don't trust it. What's more likely alien abduction or a pilot who went through a divorce and was sad? Most likely the first. Yeah. Yeah. Um, maybe the alien was going through a divorce and that's why they abducted.

Maybe. Just have some more friends. Just have some more friends up there. The ethosphere. Would you ever get your pilot's license? Yeah, that's a goal of mine, but it's the amount of hours that you have to spend. Like, you need, how many hours do you need? It's something insane.

It's harder to become a flight attendant than get a pilot's license. Apparently so. Well, you know there's a pilot shortage. So anybody who's out there, I'm going to look directly at the camera. Anybody who's out there and wants to become a pilot, there's a major shortage of pilots in the United States. So if you're looking for a career path and you like to fly the friendly skies, you should go to pilot school. Traffic controllers too. Huge shortage.

Because of Reagan. We are listening to the daily. Ariel and I have the same media consumption. I'm also from Lexington, Kentucky and I think it was when I was in high school there was a horrific plane crash at our airport. Oh, shit. Because the air traffic controller was overworked and exhausted.

It was before they had put in all of, either they hadn't put in these regulations about how long they're allowed to work, or they just ignored them. And this air traffic controller was exhausted, overworked, told the plane to take off on the wrong runway. It was too short. It crashed. It killed, you know, 80 people or something like that. It killed everybody except for the co-pilot. And of course it's out of the Lexington airport. So everybody knew somebody on that plane. So I got very invested in air traffic controllers and making sure that they get enough sleep. Didn't they just say in that interview that it's something like there's like 440,

like some insane amount of close calls every hour? Are you listening to Daily 2? Are we all listening? Is everyone listening to the Daily? That made my asshole pucker a little bit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because you think about how much you fly

and you're like, was I on one of those close calls close calls yeah i just also think i'm constantly baffled honestly that there's not more accidents given how every other aspect of airports seems to be every time my delta app crashes yeah i go well it's only a matter of time before whatever the fuck like like you know they can't get the ticketing right they they can't get the bags right. We're constantly being deplaned. It's amazing that there aren't more accidents. And hearing that thing, you're like, we're close. We're close.

Closer and closer. Listen, knock on some wood real hard right now. You know what I mean? I'm getting on a flight tomorrow. Where are you going? I'm going back home to Atlanta. Then I'm going over the seas on Friday. Yeah. I did want to bring up, because I know you've talked about the two.

I should say for the listeners, because I've talked about it a bunch. My girlfriend had her eggs frozen, and it was a success. A lot of eggs. I found out at this show, this horrible weekend I had, I was talking about the eggs freezing. None of the jokes were working. But someone said Jewish eggs worth more. Go for a lot.

Go for a lot more money because of all the fucking diseases we have. You know? And so who knows? So like the eggs go for more because. If you got a Tay-Sachs free egg. Wow. You are. You can get some money money it's really wild when i did it we only have one embryo my husband i have one embryo but like i mean it's wild what they can tell you and i i didn't expect when the doctor called to tell us like what you know after doing the genetic testing everything what was healthy she's like yeah you

have one daughter i'm like you already know the sex they're like yeah it's a daughter i'm like that's fucking crazy. Well, now that you know that you're Jewish, you can sell it for a lot more. I know. I know, but I don't know where she is. And that is like, I never, I asked my husband, I was like, where is our daughter? Like, I don't know what fridge she's in. I don't know what freezer she's in.

Atlanta? Atlanta. I'm going to guess that she's at the clinic where I had this done. But I was like, we should just probably call about that. Because we never got a paperwork. She's in freezer A. I genuinely don't know where she is. Would you pay extra?

Because I feel like this should be a service of like, you know how you have a find my headphones? Yeah. Find my embryo. Not a bad idea. Beeps. And you just follow the beeps. Yeah, shark tank it. You get those commercials.

It's 11 p.m. Do you know where your embryo is? Don't you – do you ever feel any anxiety? Because it was a lot of work, right? It's a ton of work, yeah. Because you did it – because we hired a nurse to give the shots. Oh, I did it myself. It was – and that's – I mean, so these shots, my girlfriend was finding out about everything and we watched the tutorial

and the moment I saw the tutorials I said oh okay I'll pay for a nurse to do this because it's going to be me and her and she talked about me maybe helping with the shots and I saw 30 seconds of the video and I said what are you fucking nuts

we're not doing this it's just like the number of steps. Neither of us are very inclined towards this kind of stuff to begin with. Just technical. And it's just why? You're not given just like a syringe. It's not like you just get a needle filled with medicine. You have to mix the drugs.

Mix the drugs. And I'm like, I'm a civilian. I just figured out how to like sign up to vote. Like not too long ago. You know what I mean? Like, what the fuck are you talking about? So the first time I did it, I FaceTimed one of the nurses, and she walked me through, but you're taking 20 milliliters of this,

10 here, 6 here, this one's refrigerated, this one is not. Air bubble. My thing was like, you're supposed to let a little out that lets you know the air bubble's gone. The way that my mind works, I'd be letting so much out, being like, let's just make sure there's no air bubble. And by the end, we'd have no more liquid in this fucking thing. And if there's no liquid, and then you've got to remix

it, and then you've got to... It's just insane. You should be an actual chemist to be able to do this. This was the part. This was actually the part of the video where I immediately was like, oh no. It said you inject it and squeeze it, and then as you inject it, let go of it gradually. And I was like, I can't... For all I know, I'm injecting it and it as you inject it, like let go of it gradually.

And I was like, I can't, for all I know, I'm injecting it and it's going into the wrong part. I don't even have words of where it could go. Also imagine your girlfriend letting you touch her here.

Letting her touch. Just grab the fupa. Yeah. Just pinch that. Yeah, just pinch that fupa. Yeah, I did it myself. And then when it came time to give you, they give you like,

it's called the trigger shot, which is what you do the night before you do the retrieval. My doctor was also like, go have a drink. You know what I mean? She was like, go have a glass of wine. That's the only way you're going to get through this. I went out and got like a little drunk with my friends. You were allowed to drink?

I was allowed to drink. You told her don't drink? No, my doctor was literally like, she's like, Heather, I mean, don't go out and like be ripping like Jager bombs. But she's like, you can have a glass of wine or two when you're doing this because it's going to be fucking miserable. They told her no drinks, no pot. It was miserable. Yeah. I had some

news, but not a lot, but I had a glass of wine and my girlfriend did it in a public bathroom because we went to a nice restaurant the night before. My friend was literally like, I'll give you the trigger shot because you have to do it. You have to explain if anyone came in, like, it's not heroin. Yeah, it's not heroin. We're not doing anything're not doing anything weird it's just fertility but honestly you are doing something weird but also in a women's restroom if you were like fertility they just

they don't give a shit women would never think that you're doing no everybody would just be like do you need help yes more hands you don't know this but a women's restroom someone's injecting themselves absolutely at any time yes yes um so yeah it was wild and then yeah so we have one daughter did it work the first time around? No, I had to do multiple rounds of it because I have low egg count. So I had to beef myself up on testosterone for like two months. So I literally like was, yeah, I was like growing a dick for two months. It was insane.

I was horny. I was angry. I was yelling at everybody. I was just dry. I had road rage. Like it was nuts. So I was on testosterone, literal T. I put on gel.

You put like gel patches on your shoulders, and I put gel on the inner thighs because that's the best part for it to absorb. So I was on testosterone for a month and a half. Then I had to do vaginal suppositories for another month and a half. And then I finally did one round of the shots. Didn't work. And then I do another round of the shots, and it finally worked. When it didn't work, because I had such a fear. I mean, this was not easy for me. Because it wasn't testosterone, but it was estrogen, at least for her.

And it was hard. It was hard. It was very challenging. And I had such a fear that there wouldn't be any eggs. Or they got the eggs, and then the next day they tell you how many are viable. And I had this fear. When she's like, oh, the email came in, I was holding my breath because I was like, if this wasn't successful, that I can't imagine you doing this again. It's gnarly on your physical body, your mental body.

I mean, essentially, you are beefing yourself up like you're pregnant. And then when you're coming off the drugs post egg retrieval, I basically like, you know, how like a lot of women postpartum lose their hair, right? So all my hair fell out and then i put on like 30 pounds your tits are sore and you're like you're really swollen in your you know ovarian area so you look pregnant and then you're like i don't have anything to show for it it's makes you fucking crazy but now did she when she was going into it did she know that because they usually can tell like oh it looks like you got a good batch of x they said i i believe at the beginning they said not bad bad, but they said, oh, it's not necessarily great.

Okay. And she's 33. Yeah. And the success, it was a lot. It was a very successful thing overall. Right. But in the beginning, there was enough of a fear of like, oh, good that we did this now.

And like we were looking at, you know, cause she wanted me to be there for the operation. We were just trying to see if there was any kind of calculation of making, of trying to, so it would happen during a weekday. Oh yeah. Yeah. Which ultimately, you know,

it's, it's impossible to predict. I mean, trying to time this thing was insane, but it was, it was urgent enough that it was like, I don't want to wait till next year to plan a, you know,

two weekends off or anything. Yeah. It's gnarly. And I mean, I'd probably have to do another round of it in December. I'm going to take off December and to plan two weekends off or anything. Yeah, it's gnarly. And I mean, I probably have to do another round of it in December. I'm going to take off December. As a backup? Yeah, because I only have one embryo. So I'm now like, the thought of having to put myself through that,

it took me a year to finally feel normal in my body again. And now I'm like, fuck me. So I'm just like, my husband and I was like, I was like, okay, we might have to do this again in December. He's like, oh, God. How long is the process from when you start to when they do the retrieval if you're a fertile myrtle like it'll probably take you you could just start the shots and it's like whatever it's like 14 days um and it's different for everybody but i had to do so much prep beforehand because i had low eggs that that's what really, I was juiced the fuck up. I was like an MMA fighter going in for weigh-in.

I was gnarly, dude. I was so fucking gnarly. I mean, I was yoked. And I already have broad shoulders and traps. I was yoked. I was horny. I get it. I get guys.

Did you get facial hair? I didn't get facial hair, but I did get acne. Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. I was just going up around my house like picking up furniture and just like like fucking raging did it did it give you any did you go like

uh men they have to struggle yeah i absolutely say like i i have a joke about that i'm literally like i finally understand why men are so like angry and horny at the same time like i feel and i'm like you know what the man the straight man has been put down for so long now that I've been on testosterone. I get what you guys are going through. You can't fucking control it. I get it. I get it.

Wouldn't it be fair? Okay, so wouldn't it be, I feel like it would be useful. I'm sure Republicans will get excited about this idea where all men have to do estrogen patches for a little. All women have to do some testosterone. Yeah. I feel like. Sure, a little tootsie for all of us. I would do patches for a little. All women have to do some testosterone. Yeah.

I feel like. Sure. A little tootsie for all of us. I would do that for a Patreon. Me and my co-host do estrogen patches. Get on estrogen for a month. Yeah. And slowly it changes to like. And you just feel no difference and you realize.

Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, I should probably take some testosterone. We should do that. It takes enough testosterone to install an air conditioner and then I can get off of it. Yeah, but it's wild. It's really wild. And I had so much more respect for my girlfriends who did it.

I was like, oh, fuck. And then the whole thing is like you spend all your 20s, right, not trying to get pregnant. And then when you're like actually look into it, you're like, oh, fuck. Why did nobody tell me? This is the thing is that nobody tells women until they're in their 30s to look into their fertility because you're like trying, you know, you're just dicks everywhere. You're just trying to not get pregnant. And then when you like get to that age, I'm like, why did nobody tell me I had low eggs?

Sure. Because I've had low eggs forever and nobody told me. And so you could have just been. I could have done this in my 20s. You could have just been stresslessly raw dogging in your 20s. A, freaking men. Yeah. Or yeah, part of it's like get your eggs frozen.

Why not get your eggs frozen when you're... Yeah, when you don't have a job. Right. Where, like, you know, full-time thing. Well, you can afford it, probably. Sure. Yeah. But, yeah, it should, you know, they should just, when you turn 18, you just, you go and

register to vote, and they take out your eggs. Sure. And they just freeze them. I think, honestly, they hit the nail on the head. You register to vote, they take out your eggs, they put them in a freezer somewhere at a Wendy's, and then you're think, honestly, they hit the nail on the head. You registered a vote, they take out your eggs, they put them in a freezer somewhere at a Wendy's,

and then you're just like good to go. At the age before you're allowed to vote that they not do this to you. It's mandatory. So wait, when you got your eggs, do you mind if I may ask how many eggs you got? So we went into it as a kind of a...

That's the personal part. I'm like, how many eggs? That's fine. That's fine. Did you say that? So it was a full Hail Mary. So I wasn't even gonna do after the second round they were like my eggs were not reacting to the medicine and i had already been on you know the vaginal suppository testosterone all this shit and then that were you were you i mean were you

devastated were you just like annoyed well the funny thing was i did this to be proactive and because i knew i was about to go back on tour and i was like oh i should probably do this because i'm i'm 36 and then when you go in and they were like the my doctor was like i know it can feel like a death and i was like who the fuck died i'm so confused right now because i wasn't doing it to actively get pregnant i was like i'm gonna get some embryos because i know i'm aging and i'm getting older and i have a low egg count let me do this to be proactive and then you know so then when you go in there and they're like you have no eggs you're like wait what because you know i wasn't in the mind frame to be like we're trying it we're actively trying to get pregnant right now yeah yeah yeah and then she said it was like a death and then i got very confused um but no so we went into the actual

finally they're like listen we think there's one viable egg but you know in order to get even one viable egg you really need like 10 viable eggs so we went in and they were able to find two other eggs so they pulled out three and then one ended up being perfectly sound. So I have like one angel miracle baby that's sound. And was it just lucky that then you had your husband come on the egg? Yes, exactly. Yeah. Well, we already knew we were going to make an embryo. So we already knew. But it's not always successful, right? No, it's not always successful. And that was the thing.

So when they went in thinking they were only going to find one and then they found three, our odds got higher. Does that make sense? Oh, okay. And only one of those three. And one of those three ended up being like genetically good, healthy, all that. Do you remember waiting for that result and just being like, fuck. Well, I knew that it was like a 5% chance or something that we'd even get anything. And then when the doctor called, she was like, we were actually able to get three.

So this makes your chances higher. I was like, fuck yeah. But now even with one embryo, when you try and go put that embryo back in, it's only like a 40% chance. But I've had- 40%? Oh, fuck, man. Yeah, it's wild. Because to do it, you have to make the decision of, all right, we're going to have-

You have to make that full, all the way in. Yeah, all the way in. And then, oh, that really fucking sucks, dude. So you only got, you just did eggs, right? Your girlfriend just did eggs. You didn't make any rice. Oh, my cum.

You're not cumming on them. We put my cum in a different country. Yeah, yeah. I can't. Well, my husband went in and like, you have to go in and basically you're jerking off in like a medical office. Yes. And the best is, so when you're doing the egg retrieval,

there's men who are dropping off samples of semen all the fucking time. And I got, so you're sitting in this waiting room. And they're like, you don't have an appointment or- Yeah, they're like, you're just jerking off, Carl. Get out of here. But it's so funny because there's like, you know, a medical office like filled with women

and you're having to get your blood drawn like every 24 hours, right? When you're going through the process. So these guys walk in kind of this like doggy bag of shame and literally like kind of look around like they want to be you know anonymous and every woman's like just put it at the front nobody gives a fuck like we're not even looking at you we're we're juiced up but the one of the nurses said that i you know i got really close to the nurses they were like so we have a lot of older guys that come in a lot and they will not bring in real semen samples they'll spit in the cup and because

of HIPAA violations they are like obviously can't tell the other person that so they just have to say it's an inconclusive semen sample so it's like older guys who have these young wives are on their fifth wife or whatever they don't want to have any more kids so they'll say they're going to the fertility clinic and they're just like spitting in a cup and the nurses will be like are you gonna fucking tell your new wife that you just don't want to have kids? They're fucking scamming. Scamming the system. And so they would tell the wife, oh, your husband's sperm. We got an

inconclusive result, so we'll have to try again. And then they basically wear him down. Yeah, and the nurses are like, oh yeah, we have these old guys come in here all the fucking time on their third wife. Brutal. Brutal, right? I can see my dad doing that. So brutal. But then, yeah, when you go in to actually jerk off into the cup i was like jeff how was it he's like i went in there with my bluetooth i let them know

what i like okay jeff yeah he said he brought his like his beats by dre like bluetooth speaker would they would if has anyone ever said can i bring what if the wife said i want to i want to go in with him i'm sure they'd let you. It's very, yeah. I mean, they fucking did it on an episode of the Kardashians. Like, Travis Barker and Kourtney were getting, were trying to get semen, so she went in there and, like, jerked him off.

Here's the thing, though. This is wild. When you're getting the semen sample, though, you can't have any lotion, because that will taint it, and you have to, you can't, when you jerk off into the cup, you can't, like, put the cup on your dick to get the sample. You have to, like, jerk off and, like, jump into the cup. Oh, no. Like, you have to get it in, but you can't touch the rim into the cup, you can't put the cup on your dick to get the sample. You have to jerk off and jump into the cup. You have to get it in, but you can't touch the rim of the cup because then it's contaminated.

There's a lot of rules. Can you have sex and then pull out? I don't think so. I don't think you can have penetration. No. That's a lot. It's a dry hand job. I don't know.

I think it's a dry hand job. I would do it like a carnival thing. I would put the cup over there and I'd be like, all right, let's try. I would rather have sex than give a handjob. I would rather do anything than give a handjob. Yeah. I've told my husband if he ever wants a handjob, I'm okay with him going to like one. A rub and tuck place.

I told Tova that you talked about that policy and she did not agree with it at all. Because I just, I just don't want to do it. I'll do other things. I just, if you're ever craving a handjob, it's not coming from me. I don't feel like there's been a handjob request in a really long time. No, because your husband's not 14. Handjobs are way undervalued. They're the thing.

Most blowjobs end in a handjob, if we're being honest. The fine leaf ended, it ends in a handjob. So when do you prefer a handjob? So when do you prefer a handjob? When are you hot for a handjob? Set the scene. Here's what I like about a handjob is it's convenience. It's quick.

Not the way I do it. Yeah. It's like, it's just if there's, you gotta go. Yeah. Or it's just like a little, it's a little favor.

For me, a handjob allows the capacity of, this is, it's not selfish. Sometimes you just, it's just my turn. And sometimes it's just your turn. Sure.

A handjob is very much like, oh, fuck this fucking thing. You know, you've been on testosterone. I've been on T. Sometimes you're just like, please.

Yeah. Just jerk me off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. There's a lot of things we do though as married people you know it's like you know it's a blow job it's a job there are days where it's a job and you do it but it's a job you're so you're saying and you truthfully mean this that that if your husband wanted a handjob and he'd say hey i'm gonna go to the parlor get a quick hand

it'd be like cool yeah there's no emotions there it's just uh because you know what here's the thing the first time i've only you would agree i've only had a couple yes yeah a little bit i've only had a couple of massages in my life and i remember the first time i got a massage i remember the man had my he had my head in his hands and he was doing something to my neck and i remember thinking he could just kill me right now. And then I remember thinking I'd be fine with it because that's how at peace I am. And after he finishes with your body, there is a part of me that was like, well, you're not going to make me come. Like you just made my whole body feel this good and relaxed and you're not going to make me come. How dare you? And that, that was the moment where I was like, oh yeah, every massage should

end in you coming. I'm fine with it. It's not a, it's not an emotional thing. It's not a cheating thing. It's just a, your body feels so good right now. I got a happy ending massage in Amsterdam and it's 99% the same. It's just at the end. Yeah. Most marital massages end in a happy ending. You know what I mean? Sure. I mean, that's, that's for sure. But see, I love massages. And I was actually, over here in the East Village, somebody tried to do a happy ending. And I was in the same room as my sister. Oh. And I jumped up.

And I literally was like, what the fuck is happening? And I just screamed, I'm late for an appointment, and ran out. Can you give me the number? Yes, I will. Absolutely. I will absolutely give you the number. It's on first. Do you think Shaq would be okay all the way

around? I don't know. It's a little bit more. I don't know. It's a little bit more. I don't know. It's a good question. I love massages. I will let the line cook at a Panda Express dip their hand in some hot oil and rub me down. I don't give a shit. I get rubbed. That is

my luxury item that I probably get a deep tissue massage once a week. That is my happy place. That's what I spend my coin on. That is my luxury item that I probably get a deep tissue massage once a week. That is my happy place. That's what I spend my coin on. That is what I do. But I don't, and if Jeff was getting a rub and tug, I don't know. Just don't tell me about it. Just leave me in the dark.

You know what I mean? If I know about it, then I'm going to go down there and start cracking some skulls. Because I didn't ever think I was a jealous person, but I am just don't but if he's like yeah i'm gonna just just keep me in the dark don't ever tell me it's like when people tell people's systems are all wild they are wild right if tova went would you be how would you feel i think i i think i'm very at peace with that i'd say i'd say i could use the help yeah yeah you're exhausted you know what I mean? I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted too. Traveling all the time. But I don't want my husband getting jerked off by somebody else.

I don't know why. I want him to look me in the eyes. I think that's a reasonable thing. What if you were there so he could look you in the eyes? Look me in the eyes? Okay, then actually that'd be nice. She's got just a can full of coconut oil and she's just doing her thing. Yeah.

But I'm like, honey. Ice here. Ice here, honey. She's doing the work and you get the reward. Let's talk about the Giants win last night. Like, doing the work and you get the reward. Let's talk about the Giants win last night. Like, I'll be fine. Yeah.

Let's go on to our next segment. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. Do you have something that's got to stop? I have something that's got to stop.

Tell us. And this may only be very specific to Southern people. I'm hoping that you'll understand this. But we've got to stop with the smocking

on the children. Do you know about Southern smocking? It's a big trend in the south. And there are these women, okay? Smocking clothes is where they basically put their kids, their southern kids, in like doilies. It's like a very gentle kind of linen fabric. And the little boys will have like the tall white socks.

And you have the little saddle shoes. It's a very big trend in the south. And everybody that I went to fucking college with puts their kids in this fucking smocking shit. Look up smocking. Do southern smocking. It's a fashion thing. It's a fashion thing.

And it's recent, this is a recent trend. I have started to notice it more recently and I have a bunch of sorority sisters who started like smocking clothing companies. It's just like sweeping the south that everybody puts their little cherub children in smocking outfits and they look like ghosts from the fucking 1800s. You're telling me there's nothing cuter

than a baby in jeans? Okay, so it's... This may be too niche for you. No, no, no. This is great. Wait, hold on. Why is that your sponsored ad? Gianmarco? There's a lot of pictures of kids and then in the middle

there's like one of like the biggest titted woman with a sponsor. Yeah. Yes. And it's a sponsor so I guess they're

like this is what you were looking for wasn't it? So like if you think about the pilgrims what like a pilgrim woman would wear.

They've made miniature versions of that for children and they're all over the cell. Wow. They're kind of cute. No. You backtrack that statement. They're like they're like over the cell. Wow. They're kind of cute. No. You backtrack that statement.

They're like an old black and white photo you'd see this kid in. It's basically like a christening outfit if you've ever seen anybody in that white christening dress. But they wear that year round. I don't get it. I don't understand. It's got to stop. Because I love a baby in jeans. You're telling me there's nothing cuter than a little infant and a pair of blue jeans?

Or like, I love to see little people. Sure, getting ready to work on the railroad. Exactly. I love children in like adult outfits. They just make me laugh. It does feel a little bit like costumey. Or like if I saw like the Amish. It feels like the Amish would wear mocking.

Yes. It feels like for people who live too far away from town, they don't want to go in for their baby clothes, so they just take the potato sack and they rearrange it and they resew it. And then they put the name Millie on it. Now, it would make sense if it's just an Easter look, right? You're dressing up for the Lord, just your Easter look, but this is

24-7. They got the Halloween smocking, the Christmas smocking. I mean, these kids have got to be fucking freezing their asses off. They're wearing nothing but a doily and a cheesecloth i'm very upset about it i'm sorry no that's the right energy for this segment yeah yeah yeah that's a good this gotta stop that's great um let me see if i i think i wrote one down my this has got to stop do you have this gotta stop all right i got one what you're gonna stop all right look we've come so far with technology yes we can do so many things why The thing that has to stop is contact lenses being indiscernible of whether they're inside out or not.

Because you put it in inside out and it destroys your eye. And then you try it again because you go, oh, I'll take it out. Maybe there's something on it. You're looking for a lash or something that's on it. A piece of dust. You put it back in. Ruins you. You put it back in, ruins you. You take it out.

It's like five times before you think to yourself, let me flip this inside out. I did not know that they weren't reversible. They're not reversible, and there's no way to tell. There's so many things we can do. Why can't you just put a little like this one, like a little arrow, just something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Twice in my life, I've gotten contact lenses. I went through the whole process, and they showed me how to put it in.

The next day I tried doing it. I couldn't after five minutes. I couldn't get it in my eye. And the rage that I felt. Yeah. I had that like frustration. I was like, and I said no. And twice.

So I can't even imagine. I mean your eyeballs. It's just such a specific. It's awful. When anything is wrong with your eye, as you know, you've got this sty that seems to not go away. Because it was here last time. I've had this sty. It's the worst sty I've ever had in my life.

I didn't even notice it until you said sty. Now I see it. Thanks, Ariel. Just for those watching. It was like a triple, like triple came together. And I had to do this show. I was at the cellar. And it was like, it was at came together. And I had to do this show. I was at the cellar and it was like, it was at its worst. And I had to fucking watch the audience.

I could hear them go, look at his eye. And, and I, you know, I gave it some thought of like a joke or like to address it. And I didn't want to, I didn't have enough about it. But I've in McDoug, where everyone was right there, I saw multiple people go, look at his eye. Look at his eye. Look at his eye. What's wrong with it?

And it was humiliating. And then also, too, like, the sty, some people would be like, do you have pink eye? And pink eye is, like, literally, like, the most soul-sucking thing ever because then they immediately think that you've been, like, scratching your asshole and then rubbing your eye. You know what I mean? Because everybody got pink eye as a kid just from like you know playing soccer and

doing shit but yeah yeah there's nothing worse you're like no it's a fucking sty it's not pink eye and and and i had to do there was a cameo time sensitive cameo someone's birthday and it was like 50 bucks they're off me and i had to do a half screen cameo and and i sat on the cameo i said i just you guys know i have a sty but I have to do this cameo now. And I haven't made any promos for any upcoming shows because I can't. I look horrible. Oh, okay. My this has got to stop.

Ariel pointing out your stash. I'm trying to get more, like, cool, healthy snacks for the road. Like, I'm tired of Trader Joe's. I can't do it anymore. I can't. I'm so bored of the food this has got to stop every health food store having fucking crystals and astrology and like they couldn't it wasn't enough to keep the health store afloat just selling healthy food so they have to have a whole section of not even a consistency of woo-woo, but it's crystals and it's the astrology. And I just want fucking dried star fruit.

And I'm tired of why, when does health have to be mixed in with all this other stuff that makes me uncomfortable? And I'm just like, give me a health food store that's by the book. I don't know how these two things became conflated. And I'm just like, give me a health food store that's by the book. I don't know how these two things became conflated. And I think it's like

it's an inverse of like the same way that like, like, you know, with like Republican or conservative, it's about like kind of, you know, like barbecue and shit food.

And it's like, can we break food away from beliefs and politics and give me a Republican health food store? Wouldn't that be nice? Yes. Or,

or a Democrat good barbecue. What's in the Republican health food store. It's, it's like, what makes it a lot of jerky, but I think more like it's like low sodium, low sodium, but it's,

it's like grass fed. Yes. It's like dried apples. And it's like, this goes towards, you know, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Fried apples and it's like this goes towards, you know, taking down Hillary Clinton or finding out who killed the so-and-so. Or it's something like that.

Pork rinds for Kim Trails. Something like that. You know what I mean? Wow. Mm-hmm. Let's go to our final segment. You better count your blessings. I'll go first.

We'll end with you, Heather. My blessing, I got to work this weekend. It was a tough weekend, but I got to work with a guy named Ty Colgate. He's friends with Liam Nelson, my other opener. And it was great. It was wonderful. We got stoned. We went to, you know, there's a thing of

some of this opener I think part of it is like let's hang out. We're in the middle of nowhere and you want to be a good hang and he was just great. We got high. We went on roller coasters. We went to a sushi restaurant where you took the plates off of a thing.

They had a robot waiter, which was cool until it asked for a tip. And I was confronted. I said, hold up, do I have to tip the robot? And so I tipped 10% because it was a robot. But I should have tipped zero because it's a robot.

But also, I would have tipped 30% because it's a fucking robot. And it could murder you. You know? Well, that's the southerness in you. And as the Jew, it's a fucking robot and it could murder you. Uh-huh. You know? Well, that's the southerness in you and as the Jew it's a 10. It's a 10 for the robot. Yeah, I agree. I agree with that.

But there is nothing better than finding somebody you can travel with. Somebody you can travel well with. It's just, it's so hard to find. This is why I miss our i know i miss you miss our days i miss you too don't let go i uh i and what's what's your blessing my blessing is yeast i love yeast so much i like to bake oh fantastic i just had rosh hashanah so i baked a challah

and i had just such a beautiful little yeast bloom when I added my water and my yeast and my sugar. And I watched it get to like eat the sugar. And then, you know, when yeast bubbles up, that's the yeast. It's expelling gases. It's just farting and burping. And I love that so much. It's just a little live thing. It smells so good.

It makes alcohol great. It makes bread and I just in general I just beautiful thing everything about yeast it's so cute it's alive it lives in my fridge and I I'm I I can't say enough good things about yeast I love that that was beautiful thank you it was really like I didn't realize I'm I'm want to go like to a bakery now and just just smell get a ale of sourdough. You know what I mean? That's great.

You've got to explore this Jew stuff. Yeah, I really need to. There's a lot of fun. I'm Jewish, but it wasn't until my girlfriend, who grew up very religious, that I feel like it's a whole new world. I've got a question. Are Jews usually dehydrated a lot? I know that

they usually say, like, you know, you guys always have rummy tum issues, like tummy issues, but I'm really always thirsty, and I'm not diabetic or pre-diabetic, but what my blessing is, I was going to say hydration tablets. I can't live without electrolytes. What is a

hydration tablet? Like, you know, like an energy, sorry, not an energy. God damn it, I'm sorry. Like, you know, I get these Noon hydration tablets, non-sponsored, just N-U-U-N, and I get them at like Whole Foods. Please sponsor, please sponsor us. We love it, we'll take it.

I would gladly take it. It has Noon in it. What's more Jewish? Noon, Noon, N-U-U-N, and they're just hydration tablets because I get like really bad leg cramps when I'm traveling, and so I live off hydration tablets.

Like it's got electrolytes is what it's saying. Does it go in your water and it dissolves or you just take it like a pill? No, it goes in your water and dissolves. And that is, I'm like a constantly thirsty bitch. And I've had blood work done and they're like, no, your level's normal. My girlfriend, Tova, water, I mean, insane. Insane. Insane.

There's, can you, whenever she me to to get her a glass of water she says i'm gonna drink this all now so get a sec like it's it's a it's a double trip ask i'm the exact same way and my husband's just like this is insane i mean i am the white woman with like the big stanley cup or the yeti cup that is me and i walk around with that and i don't give a shit because i'm so fucking thirsty and my god i'll see like a functional medicine doctor and she's like you your levels look normal, but I'm, I can't live without hydration, a little extra kick. You know what I mean? So if I can't drink all the Stanleys and the Yetis, I've popped one of those bad boys in and I'm feeling like I'm on the top of the

world. I like for now on like every medical question you have, like, is this a Jew thing? Yeah. I don't think never a positive here's why i don't think it's a jewish thing is because with when you're jewish there's nothing you can do that will ever make you feel on top of the world so if it's curable it's not jewish okay is that fair uh yes okay well um this is a wonderful episode thanks for having me i was so i was so thank you for doing this oh my gosh oh you You know, it's very nice of you. This is going to come out on October 3rd.

So what would you like to plug? Oh, October 3rd. Well, my Netflix special, Sun I Never Had, is coming out on October 17th. Amazing.

And then, I don't know, come check me out on the road, heatherontour.com. I'm on the comeback tour, baby. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. Arielle. I'm on the comeback tour, baby. Yeah. Yeah.

Hell yeah. Ariel. Uh, I will be this weekend. I will be opening for Melissa Villasenor in Indianapolis at helium. So please come to that. And then I will be in Louisville, Kentucky,

October 20th and 21st at planet of the tapes headlining. Uh, and yeah, you can go to Ariel Elias comedy for all of my dates. I'm coming to Fort Worth. I'm coming to, which all of my dates. I'm coming to Fort Worth. I'm coming to, which, you know, and I'm coming to your airport. So that's how much I'm excited to come to Fort Worth is I'm willing to go to the airport. I'm coming to Austin, to Stanford.

So ArielEliasComedy.com. Me, you know where to find me. I'm in Dubuque, Iowa this weekend at Comedy Bar. Then I'm in Scotts... Sometimes you look at upcoming dates and you're like... Yeah. Fuck me, dude. What the fuck? Yeah.

I'm in Scottsdale, Arizona, October 5th through 7th. But then, ladies and gentlemen, and I'm excited about those. If you live there, please come. But then I will be headlining for the first time Zany's in Chicago, October 19th through 21st. Please come. Join the Patreon.

Patreon.com slash downside. The more patrons we have, one day we can record these episodes and not release them a month later because I will have the infrastructure to do it. But to get that, I need you to join the Patreon. And, you know, get all your DNA tests. Find out

if you're Jewish, because it's a great time to be Jewish in America. This is The Downside.