The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #163 Shades of Cheating with Chloe Radcliffe

Episode Date: October 17, 2023

Comedian Chloe Radcliffe joins to share the downsides of biking in New York City, writing for late night television, the different levels of cheating, why messy relationships are normal, and the problem with being hangry. Gianmarco finally admits to queer baiting and Russell learns what piv stands for. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Chloe on Instagram & TikTok See Chloe in a city near you! https://linktr.ee/chloebadcliffe Follow The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi on Instagram Get tickets to our live podcast recording in NYC with Ari Hershkowitz on November 13 here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/700527254877 Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Shop at Sephora today. Limitations apply. Must be a beauty insider. See terms at Sephora.com for complete details. Welcome to the downside. My name is Jamarcus Araizi. A little bit chaotic today. Russell is throwing things into

Can we say anything? No. No, because I mean also I don't know when it's coming out. If you can guess why Russell would be suddenly very stressed. Just found out. You're in Gutenberg the musical. You're understudying Josh Gad. You've had a lot of very big celebrities.

Yes. This is coming out in a couple weeks. So we can't say Russell Brand was on last show. And Russell was really excited. Yeah, I was so excited. You're a big fan of his Big Pharma conversations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Russell D'Angelo is here, my co-host.

Very excited to have him. And we're joined by a stand-up comedian, writer, just got back from Edinburgh, Chloe Radcliffe. Welcome to The Downside. Hello. Thank you for having me. New setup. New setup.

We're trying this out. 90 degrees. I'm worried I'm going to be in both angles. New setup. New setup. We're trying this out. 90 degrees. I'm worried I'm going to be in both angles. It's chaos. Yeah. We're trying to, I've had this studio for a while and, you know, do you ever have a podcast? Do you ever try this? I got to say, I have spent years being like, I should have a podcast.

And then I, every single time I think about it, I'm'm like i don't want to have a podcast it's tough and i'm not saying i should have a podcast you should you want to have a podcast i it's i wish i started the beginning of covid man yeah yeah yeah totally just like thank god i did tiktok beginning of covid yeah you know but uh is that when you started tiktok yeah not not like at the beginning i really do think if I had started three months earlier I'd be a king I mean, I look back It is funny

Because I feel both sides On one hand, I started in November Of COVID And I felt late at that point I felt very behind the curve I probably started in October, really But I looked through your TikTok and you did the game.

You think you're better than me? Oh yeah, October. Honestly, actually, now that I think about it, I think I started in October too. Okay. We have proof. We don't have to even debate it.

Don't look it up. Don't look it up. Very happy to have you. I don't know when the last time we saw each other was. It's been chaos with the travel and I wish, I want to catch up every week I have so much to go over

But before we get to you I thought about adding a new segment Where I just apologize for something Okay, yeah A lot to apologize for Is anyone else's headphones cutting in and out? Or just me? Just you

Go ahead, take them off Fun Is anyone else's headphones cutting in and out or just me? Just you. Just you, buddy. Go ahead. Take them off. Fun. Take something else off, too. I was in Columbus. Wow. Really?

Really breeze it over. Me just sexually harassing your co-host. Oh, it's pretty standard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty standard. For once, you're doing it on him to the guest. Thank God. The power to it. It's fine. No, tell yeah, yeah. It's pretty standard. For once, you're doing it on him to the guest. Thank God. It's a power day.

It's fine. No, tell us what bad things you did. Oh, my God. I didn't turn on the fucking lights. Can you? Do you look? Do you look around? Joe Marco, I'll be honest.

I don't know. I don't know that we've ever had those lights on. What are you talking about? I never noticed that. We have them on every time. We're still recording. Russell, tell a story. No, what are you going to apologize for?

It's going to take two seconds for you to. It sounds like somebody should apologize for? It's going to take two seconds for you to... Sounds like somebody should apologize for not turning on the lights. Okay. So... I like how you get so annoyed that I don't like carrying the conversation. Okay, you're back. Here we go.

What are you going to apologize for? Okay, so I have a temper. Yeah. And so I hurt my arm. I was working out. Wow. And I was doing these single arm, I don't know what they're called, but they're very specific. You stand with the bench, so it's isolating the bicep.

And I think I overextended. Wasn't that heavy of a weight? Never thought I'd get hurt. And I heard a noise. Wouldn't have been that heavy of a weight. I know how much it is. It's lower than you think. Yeah, I'm looking overextended. Wasn't that heavy of a weight. Never thought I'd get hurt. And I heard a noise. Wouldn't have been that heavy of a weight. I know how much it is. It's lower than you think. Yeah, I'm looking at these arms.

I'm sitting right here. I heard a noise. Like, it really like, what the fuck just happened? I dropped the weight. And so I was in a bad mood. Very bad mood. Did you keep working out or no? It was like.

A ooga. Yeah, it was like. It was like It was like Are you sure? It was like It was like a shifting of like Tendons and bones That was more accurate

Okay Sometimes I don't know if it made a noise out loud Or like I heard it through my body Have you ever done something to your body and you heard a noise? Like a spirit noise. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I think I know what you mean. And a bad mood. Bad mood. I'm in Ohio. I'm trying to find. You stop working out. I stop working. Well, then I'm like, well, can I still do this move?

Okay. Can I do this move? Working out? Yeah. I found I could do push-ups. It doesn't hurt to do a pushing motion, just a pulling motion. So I've been working out. I know it's bad.

But I'm going around. I'm walking to find Icy Hot or all these things that I've never really used before. Ben Gay. Ben Gay. Yeah, we Ben Gay. I'm walking in Columbus and some guy

goes... I'm looking at my phone, looking at what it could be. It happened to my arm. And some guy goes, look up! And he didn't know I was a New Yorker. Because I don't think he expected quite the complete flip out that I had on this guy in the middle of the street. Really?

I lost my goddamn mind. Were you close to running into him at all? No. Was he trying to say, like, hey, man, hang up and hang out? Yeah, he was trying to be present. That's what it was. It was like, smell the roses. And I lost my goddamn mind.

And to be fair, I quickly assessed he was not a physical threat to me. It wasn't all of the weight that you can lift. Yeah, exactly. If he only knew, I only had one arm. This guy can lift at least seven pounds. So I, very much like my father, just yelled and really, and it was not good. Can we get a quick synopsis of what you,

yeah? Reenact it. It's not like, it's, you know the thing about like real anger, it's like not funny, it's not charming,

it's not cute, it's like a little like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah. Okay. Do it. Let me bring myself there acting wise.

So, all right, say, he was probably at that door. Okay, ready? Say to me, so let me get, I'm fucking mad, I'm angry Hey, man, look up

Hey, mind your fucking business, all right? Go fuck yourself Yeah, go fuck yourself John Markle, that is crazy Police could have been called That is such a wild reaction to that In Columbus of all places Don't say look up to someone.

It's crazy to say it. You don't know what I'm going through. If you're not running into him. Yeah, I didn't run into him at all. I mean, it's a very, it's an irritating thing. Very much so. It's very funny to just have that man accidentally poke a bear that he did not know he was about to poke. Exactly.

I do have a similar situation this weekend. Okay. I had a friend who was in town. She came and saw the show. And she and her mom, they drove in, parked in the city. We went out for a drink afterwards. And I thought they left. And so I was waiting for my Uber.

And they had gotten their car. Anyways, this other car comes down the street honks i'm like standing in the street waiting for my uber but not like out into the street just a little bit in the street this car kind of slowly comes and honks i think saying you're in the way it's my friend but i didn't know it was my friend being like hi and i was like i was like you have plenty of room. Go around. I yelled. And she called me and was like, that was me. And I was like, oh.

And she's like, what an interesting insight. She's like, that's who you are when you're not trying to impress me. That's who you are when you don't think you need love out of a person. I was like, there's plenty of room. Go around. Just like screaming at a random car. And not even thinking anything. You're just like of New York. There's plenty of room. Go around. Just like screaming at a random car. And not even thinking anything. You know,

you're just like in New York, just like, you know, you just do that. But it is crazy to go other places and do that. People don't like it. I called Amanda Dipshit

on the way here. On the way here? Like two minutes before. So you already know each other. What happened? I just was, I was biking

on, you know, there's biking on, you know, there's the Clinton, Clinton that as it crosses Delancey, there's a two way bike lane. Anyway, I was in that two way bike lane and, and a guy was walking just like,

you know, Jay walk. I don't care. I break the law all the time, but he was Jay walking. And to me it's like, if you're breaking the law, then be aware of what you're doing.

I don't care if you're doing something. I run reds, I split lanes. That's when I'm biking. But I know who's around me and what's about to happen. And so he's walking and he just wasn't looking. And from 50 feet away, I'm going heads up, heads up, heads up, heads up. And he just wasn't looking.

And when people don't pay attention, then I buzz by them. Then I don't try and get out of their way. I go close to them. Knowing that I'm in full control, but I'll stay where I am. And as I went by, I went, hey, dipshit, look where you're going. If I was on a moving vehicle and was able to get away from the person, I'd be saying all sorts of things. I yell at people on my bike constantly.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the most incredible feeling in the world. And people yell at me when I do stupid shit. And I'm always like, yep, you were right. I totally deserve to get yelled at. Yeah. Yeah.

Well. So what happened with this guy? Did he say anything back? I think I made a positive change in his life. And he learned how to mind his own fucking business. This is The Downside. One, two, three. Downside.

You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi. Welcome to The Downside. By the way, if you're a fan of the show, join the Patreon, patreon.com slash downside for our live episodes that Russell is sometimes on unless some emergency happens in his life and he has to pay a last second. We're so happy to have you.

So happy to be here. Lots to discuss and talk about. Well, let me just say about you. I mean, you're a stand-up comedian. We've worked together. You're still on The Tonight Show or you're done? Not on The Tonight Show anymore. I was there in 2020.

I was looking for your name in that article that came out, but I didn't see anything. Didn't see anybody's names. Was it an anonymous article? Yeah. I would talk about it more, but I don't want to put you in an uncomfortable position. Very interesting. I would talk about it more, but I don't want to put you in an uncomfortable position. But very interesting.

We can talk. We can? Sure. All right. There might be times where I'm like, I'm not going to go into that. Sure, sure. Did you read the article? I did.

I think. Let me say my... You know when you're like, felt like you read it. The confidence of... Let me try to say my blunt, not trying to be in the right uh so much so much than many things i say it's like well this is the correct moral position according to social media i didn't think any of the the things that were mentioned in the article were particularly beyond the scope of oh it's a tough work environment and could be more pleasant.

Nothing that I saw was like crossed some like crazy line. Yes. And I read it and felt like, oh, the way the article frames this workplace feels like it's just a tough workplace. I'm like, hey, folks, like, yeah, late night is stressful. And, you know, grit your teeth a little bit more. And the article doesn't, I would say, does not accurately represent the experience.

I would say, like, the scarring that people report in the article is representative. And then the way the article frames why that scarring happens, you're like, why are you so bruised? Yeah, there's like, I feel like the article, now I am remembering, I did read it, it felt like they didn't go into very specific things.

And so to me, that says that like- It's hard if it's anonymous, you're like, otherwise it'll be clear what's- Right, and that just people didn't want to talk about specifics, but what it turned into was this article where it just was sort of down the middle of like, it's tough. Yeah, there was some people being like, this is I was with my owner. Also, the more I'm getting into this, I'm like, maybe I shouldn't really be talking about this.

I totally gave you that. No, I know you did. But I was with, then I'll lead the charges, but I was with my opener, Ty Colgate in Bloomington, and he just had some great points. He said basically, it said when Jimmy Fallon is in a bad mood, it's a tough work environment. It's like, well, yeah, he's the guy, and I'm sure when he's in a bad mood, it's tough. And I'm sure when he's in a bad mood, it's tough. And I don't know this guy. And I haven't been booked on The Tonight Show.

But there is a degree of like, you got to be on every day. I don't know why anyone becomes a late night host. It's crazy. I understand if you have to. But when people like Colbert do this, I'm like, you have the world in front of you in terms of what you wanted to do. And you wanted to every day have to be a very specific kind of like positive. And every day you got to do extra interviews and extra announce the Golden Globes. It's a lot. Oh, it's an insane job.

And I mean, yeah, you have to have the light on behind the eyes constantly. And if you can't have the light on behind the eyes, then you have to force it. And so if it ever feels like the light behind the eyes is forced, it's like, yeah, it's because it's this absolutely nightmarish job. I am realizing that I agreed to a thing. When you start working in this business, I think what happens is you hear stories about everyone. Everyone being a jerk. Or a story where someone yelled at someone. Or I've heard a story about another late night person yelling at a warm up person.

And you're like, oh yeah, this is... But here's what I will say. Working at The Tonight Show was the worst year of my life, bar none. person and you're like oh yeah this is but here here's what i will say working at the tonight show was the worst year of my life bar none hollowed me out as an individual scoured out my confidence in a way that it took a full year to recover from afterward i remember leaving the show this is what i'm trying to say this is what i mean this is what i'm sort of dancing around by saying like the article says people are people leave really traumatized but it doesn't really explain why people leave trauma like it doesn't explain and i actually have a whole

treatise about like what's going on that's not that's not even i don't think like politically incorrect it's just 45 minutes long and i don't need to make it the whole podcast but it's the the way the show basically it's just that it's the only show that tapes this is this is one part of a million elements but it's the only show that tapes this is this is one part of a million elements but it's the only show that tapes five days a week they make more produced comedy than any other late night show and writers are the producers and there's no core writers room it's all we're all writing individually and so it means that the show is this like huge machine that's sort of like rolling down a hill too fast to stop it and by 5 p.m every day a show does get taped and so and and no there's no stopping it to be like

hey let's fix a lot of the shit that's making this workplace really really difficult that's making this workplace particularly difficult more difficult than a lot of other late nights does it need a bigger staff or just less? You think that this many shows is unsustainable, period? No, no, no. I think there's different organization that could benefit it. There's, I think, look, I think Jimmy is incredibly talented. I think he would rather be the talent than the boss.

And unfortunately, he has to be the boss. And I think he's fine with that. I mean, I think he would rather be the talent than the boss and unfortunately he has to be the boss sure and i think he's fine with that but like or i mean i think he understands that but like i think that there's a lot organizationally that goes on behind this the scenes to make the place very very difficult to work but then it's still like yeah what are we gonna are we gonna are we gonna stop it at 11 30 in the morning when we have to, when there is an audience loading in at 3.30 and then at five the cameras are going to turn on? No, we can't stop this. We can't stop the, you know, the rock is just going to keep rolling down the hill

over and over and over. And so that, I think that's what the article didn't really capture is like, no, it is, it's, it truly, I remember leaving that, leaving the show, and I think, I don't think I was particularly good at the job. Like I, I, I would never say that I, I, I had a, I had a bad time there and I don't, and I think I was fine, but it's like, I wasn't a, an amazing star writer there at all. Sure.

It's very specific. Right. all sure um it's very specific right the the what everybody said everybody says like that's a job that you almost want to be bad at because it you know like because it's this very specific skill and if that's the thing you're good at you know whatever i don't quite first of all i think there are people who are incredibly talented at that kind of writing and i'm very jealous of that talent and also i think that i still have enough internalized like self-hatred about that job that where i'm like, but if I was better, I would have been better at the job. You know, like it's very hard for me to feel like,

no, it's going to be bad at the job. But I left that job. And I remember in like a couple months after being like, okay. Uh, also I want to say I got fired from the job, which everybody does. 35 people have washed through those doors in like three or four years. Like it's crazy that like, that's the thing that doesn't show up in the article. Yeah, the turnover is really, really crazy. And that's unlike other late night shows. I really don't know if I should be saying this on the air. No, I think, again, I think

all of this is fairly public. But I think what the article did is that it made it go like this. It's like the guy you know who's famous in power he's the problem as opposed to like this is a whole machine that is putting everyone in rough places the article like tried to slant it in a way that i think was just a little bit uh purposeful that that wasn't

fair to like the whole enterprise it didn't explain the inner workings and people outside of the system they just don't always know. It's such an intricate system. Yeah. Yeah. I hear you. Am I going to? Is this terrible for my career? You have not said anything that has gotten me super excited to post, so I know it's okay.

Yeah. I mean, I remember leaving that job and also, for people who aren't familiar with late night, getting fired is the same as just not getting your contact renewed. Sure, sure. And that's just like Hollywood just uses the term getting fired as like we bandied around. Whereas my like real life friends, a picture when I'm like, oh yeah, I got fired.

They picture me like being walked out with a banker's box in my like, you know, frame photo of my husband or whatever. Jimmy being like, I'm going to do an impression. You're not going to like mean boss. And Jimmy being like, I'm going to do an impression. You're not going to like mean boss. So, and I, and I, yeah, no, I, it's, it's a, it's a, it is a really particularly hard workplace.

Yeah. I learned an insane amount. It changed my life for the better indelibly. I think there's a degree of like devil wears Prada-ness to it of like, you do that job for a year, you can... And I don't want to say, like, you can go anywhere, because it's not like I have gone anywhere, but like... You do that job for a year, you can... You can be on this, bud.

You can be sitting on John Marco's yellow chair. I mean, SNL is not in the cards for my lifetime, but I always think, like, that would... when I hear from that work environment, it would be a nightmare for me personally. Maybe I'd be more socially capable now,

but all these late night things, they sound really stressful to me. They seem like the reason I became a stand-up comedian is because I don't know how to function in those intricate systems. I think I would collapse. Yeah, and I do think, I mean, my experience of going to The Tonight Show was that I didn't realize how much late night shows pull so much more from the UCB sketch improv world than the stand-up world.

Sure. There always are stand-ups there, but it really, there's way, way, way more sketch and improv people. And I do think that sketch and improv people versus stand-up people are sort of a different breed uh you know in the same world but like yeah they i do think that there is a degree of like consensus building versus like fuck you i'm gonna have a hot take that i disagree with you sure and it doesn't even matter if my take is wrong, is objectively wrong.

If I can defend it in a funny way, that's the most important thing. Yeah. That's a stand-up. Stand-up is like a loser fuck you, you know? Loner is what I meant to say. A loser. A loser. Wow, that was a real Freudian slip there.

Yeah, real Freudian slip. Is it true that your therapist called you by the wrong name? Yes, twice, multiple times. And how long had you been with that therapist? Only a few months, but it was over Zoom. So my name is on the screen. How did you react the first time? I didn't say it either.

I didn't say anything either time. Which, honestly... Was it a close name? Was it like Carol? She said Zoe. Zoe, okay. And, yeah, I'm trying to figure out whether I need more therapy because then I could have actually directly confronted her about it or whether that is therapy working and I'm letting things go. Well, it is hard because you're like, how do you do it without being like, I guess you could just say, actually, my name is Chloe.

Yeah, you called me Zoe. But I wouldn't say it either. You know me. I would be like. Also, I mean, then I just dumped that therapist. I was like. Yeah. But the second time.

Or you work it into a story that you're telling them and be like. You would do a third person. I met him. I was like, my name is Russell. And I'm walking down the street. I'm walking down the street. What's wrong today? Oh, my God. My mom, she keeps calling me Zoe. And I'm like down the street. I'm walking down the street. What's wrong today? Oh, my God.

My mom, she keeps calling me Zoe. And I'm like, you named me Russell. No, not passive aggressive like that. Like passive aggressive like just finding a way to say your name. You should be in therapy, by the way. I know, I know, I know, I know. We all should. What do you say?

You don't believe that. You don't believe that. What? You don't believe that you don't believe that. You don't believe that. What? You don't believe that you should be in therapy or you don't believe that we should all? He doesn't do therapy. He's like one of these. He's on the- I gotta tell you, I didn't go back to therapy.

Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Russell, I'm going to be on your side in this. I think I'm fine. It feels stressful to me. One of the biggest stresses in my life is finding time to do things. I feel like, especially right now, and I know it's just like you have to build it in. You have to blah, blah, blah.

But just in my head, putting one more meeting or one more thing on the thing feels so stressful to me that I would be stressed about just having it, no matter what I would be saying. I'm just trying to think the last time you texted me, oh, my God, I just rewatched Girls in its entirety. I think that was two weeks ago? No. He watched it when it came out and I watched it again. I was like, I think I hated it before. And how is he ever going to find time for therapy when he's busy re-watching

Girls for the eighth time? When I'm re-watching Sopranos or Girls or any other HBO show, that is time that I am doing work, and that's on TV. Does that make sense? Uh-huh.

I can't watch therapy. That is self-care. I can't watch therapy, or I can't do therapy and be watching The Sopranos. I did just watch The Sopranos again, too. But I can't do both of those things. It's a huge show. Like all things in life,

it seems insurmountable until you say, this is just a necessary part of life, and suddenly it's able to fit in. I just don't want to. What are you waiting for? What are you waiting for? Do you think you need therapy? No, because he thinks I need it because I'll respond to him more probably.

You think that I'll go to my therapist and they'll be like, wow, I'm suddenly good at texting John Marco back. Is that what you like? I don't know. No, for your own good, everyone needs a little bit of therapy. You don't think you have any behaviors that you go, this is not good. No, of course. Of course. Okay, I'll go.

But this is the, at every day at 5 p.m., a show has to be taped every day. Yes. Oh, so it's me. I'm the reason you're not going to therapy. Yeah. What are you going to, you know, you're going to work that in. Anyways. Yeah, I don't go to therapy.

I think I'm perfect. I don't think anything's wrong with me. Well, good. Then let's go on to the topic of your Edinburgh show. I've never done anything bad in my life. What was the name of the show again? Cheat. Cheat.

What was it about? It was about how I have a history of cheating in almost every relationship I've ever been in. Not all of them. But almost. Cheating is more of Russell's thing than mine. Let's real quick, before we go deep. Have you ever been cheated on? No.

Okay. Did you ever cheat? No. Ever gray area? No. No, but I have not been in that many. How is this Russell's thing? Yeah.

It's a joke. His thing is I'm a bad person. Because he's so good. That's the irony of it. If people only knew. So I, well, tell me your thing. I have like the closest I think I come to it. But let's, you're the guest today.

When was the first time you cheated? College. Sophomore year of college. And was it in cold blood? Is that the phrase? Or was it premeditated? Was it like, were you like, yeah, I think you've been cheated on. I walk into a bar, my eyes go black.

I just point to somebody and I say, you. You. Fuck me right here, right now. I come out of a stupor ten minutes later. What happened? Where am I? Who's the president? I think it should be like cheating in the first degree, cheating in the second degree,

cheating in the third degree. I think that there are shades of it. Very much so. Yeah. Very much so. So you were dating someone dating someone yes i was in a long distance relationship no so that here's the thing i think second degree automatically automatically automatically automatically second degree um i and i and i always held myself this

is the i just think that we're talking about degrees i'm not saying i haven't cheated a lot but i always held myself back from full PIV sex outside of relationships, because to me, that was like my justification. That was my line that I would draw. How long did it take you to get PIV? Because it took me about three seconds. Wait, say what it means.

PIV sex. PIV, oh, point, wait. Yeah, guess. Please, please guess. What does it mean? P-I-V sex. Well, I know P-O-V. You know, it's not. Okay, so you understand another acronym. I also know

W-W-E. What's P-I-V? I don't know. Keep going. Come on. P-I-V sex. Guess. I don't know. I'll give you $100. No, I take it back now. It's too late. P-I-V sex. What could be? Pussy and vagina. There we go.

What? Pussy in vagina. Penis and vagina. Pussy and vagina. Penis and vagina. Russell. Listen. May I ask?

You and your wife. Pussy and vagina. listen may i ask you and your wife vagina um oh wait can i can i ask who you fuck yeah my wife time to time sure pussy in vagina yes like is that how you do it yes oh my god um penis and vagina you've never you've've never done penis and vagina cheating? Right. That was always my line. Because I was like, and I know that the line is arbitrary, but to me it was like, this was some kind of justification. I was holding myself back in some way.

I think I crossed the line very early. Honestly, I think people cheat in high school. People cheat in college all the time. So I think I crossed the line probably at the same time everybody did, but then I just kept, I kept getting away with it. I kept not ending relationships when I should have, learning that it was just easier to cheat

than to end the relationship. Do you think it would make a difference to Nicole? Let's say Josh Gad gets sick one night and the guest is... Who slept with Eric Andre for like a hot seat? Emily Ratajkowski. Emily Ratajkowski. She came to a comedy show.

She said it was funny. So Emily Ratajkowski is the producer. Yeah. And goes like, wow, you're so good. Uh-huh. And you make her drink in your dressing room and you make out uh-huh do you think there's a difference to nicole if you just made out with her or if you had traditional pussy and vagina sex i good old christian reproductive do you think nicole like

would be like more forgiving of one than the other? Probably. Yeah. But I don't know if you just kiss too. That's kind of weird. I mean, at that point, it's like, gee, I'm married to a loser. I'm married to a stand-up comedian. You didn't fuck her. Are you out of your mind? Yeah, that would be...

In some ways, that's weirder to just kiss. What, I'm married to a cuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got cucked by a cuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I don't know. What do you think? Do you think, Tova?

I mean, it's not good. It's definitely not good either way. I don't think the result, whatever the result would be, would be much different. Interesting. Yeah, I think it's like... In that case... I think the line is... You should try and fuck Emily Ratajkowski.

Yeah. No, I'm kidding Cut that out Cut that out Yeah Wow I love finding a thing That John Margo can't respond to She was there

Well she was there When Emily Ratajkowski said Good show Okay And Yeah I don't think I don't think it would make Much of a difference

I think it was a I think it was a handjob Over making out I think it would a handjob over making out. I think it would be like, handjob is more impersonal. Emily Radicalzi just gave me a handjob. No kissing involved. Sure, kissing is too intense.

He just turned me off. I think I would be more okay with that than kissing. Came back offstage. What about fingering? It's tough to rank these, but... But you kind of set up the game here, but it is sort of your idea to rank them.

It feels more active. If I just held my hand there and cheated all the work... It's not good. It's not good. No, it's very good no it's very bad it's very bad it's it's look i think and i i think that there are i talk about this in the show i think that there are absolutely shades of cheating and i actually think so like there are relationships where i had there's an there's a relationship where i had an emotional affair and nothing physical ever happened but i counted as i cheated in that relationship see that's tricky dan, who we interviewed once, he's been complaining on Twitter

how there's all these different terms of micro-cheating and emotional cheating. And for him, the way he was painting it was like, okay, well now you've just set up a world where everything is cheating. You've gradually created almost like a religious, well, then you shouldn't even talk to other men. You shouldn't have dinner with another.

You've created just all these lines. Sure. So what do you mean emotionally cheating? I mean, to me, it's where I functionally made another person my boyfriend in all elements other than sex. But for every success, he was the person I shared it with,

not my boyfriend. Every moment of upset, I went to him for comfort, not my boyfriend. Am I moment of upset i went to him for comfort not my boyfriend so am i emotionally cheating with you maybe maybe i mean but to me no there's intention behind you know there's a you you know like in your head you know what's it that's it's kind of to me the porn the right what is the like the the supreme court thing about porn where it's like it's hard to define but you know when you see it that's how i think about cheating to me it is when you make a person feel safe and then you pull the rug out from under them and that like i think that that is i am not saying cheating is good but i do also in my show

i've had people i've so many times i've had people it's always men walk out uh wait hold on sorry let me start the sentence again women walk out of my show and go, oh my God, you've said every thought that is in my head and I've just never been able to say it out loud. Because a lot of the show is not about cheating. A lot of the show is about insecurity and desire and connection and how you see yourself and how you struggle in a relationship and how do you measure a relationship?

What is good enough? What is settling? When do you, right? Like I have spent months, years in relationships going, is this good enough? It doesn't feel good enough what is settling yeah when do you right like i have spent months years in relationships going is this good enough it doesn't feel good enough but am i an asshole for saying that this wonderful person is not enough for me yeah so then i should just actually be okay because there's nothing perfect except it doesn't feel like enough to me and then rinse and repeat right like the show is about all of those intricacies it's not just about you know like hey one time i doinked a guy or whatever sure yeah but uh so women walk out and are like

the most common reaction i get from women is is being like oh i this so much of this is a thing that i've thought that i've never felt the like whole should see the show ability to say out loud right she's certainly frustrated uh no i'm kidding no she's uh you should fuck emily you should fuck emily ratajkowski you should fuck emily ratajkowski i should kiss her intimately for 30 minutes straight you should make you should make intense eye contact with her just hands on her shoulders as we kiss for 30 minutes straight yeah behind the neck yeah um but but men i've had so many men walk out and not many, but a handful and be like, oh, I want you to know that like what you talked about in the show is actually pretty

tame. Cause I basically have a pattern where like I kept crossing boundaries, but I never, I never had like a second family degree, you know, like I, I, and I was never married. I don't have kids. So like there are, the stakes are way higher for so many other people in so many other situations. And so I have had people walk out and be like, what I've done is so much worse than what you've done. But it's that I am the only person who I am finding who's willing to talk about it openly, who's willing to talk about their behavior openly. And so many people cheat.

So many people cross lines all the time. Of course. That's such a big, where I feel like it just much, I just imagine some people hear you talk about it or hear the premise of the show and go, fuck you right at the gate. Absolutely.

Because to talk about it, is to make it acceptable, even though it's already happening. Absolutely. Even though it's already happening. Or like the only time people find it acceptable even though it's already happening. Absolutely. Even though it's already happening. Absolutely. Or like the only time people find it acceptable is if the person

is now in a good relationship that they were cheating. They cheated and found the right person. Right. Like it has to be this thing where the ending. Then we like turn a blind eye

to whoever got hurt. No, it's fine. It worked out how it needed to work out. And in all other cases we just want to like stick our fingers in our ears and go la la la la la

until it happens to us. And in that case, then it's very, very painful. And then it's black and white. And I'm not saying it's not painful. I'm not saying what I did is good. I'm not condoning cheating at all. To me, it's just like, yeah, we've told teenagers to stop having sex for decades. And guess what?

Teens get pregnant all the fucking time. Pretending it's not there. Did you watch White Lotus? Yes. So White Lotus, it was very not there did you watch white lotus yes so white lotus it was very funny because this do you watch season two yeah this is very much like about gender i think the different perspectives that's what i felt the episode would end and tova would turn to me and be like so what do you have to say for yourself and but i think i i had this realization of with the older man of like the grandpa where there's everyone's talking about non-ethical ethical non-monogamy all these things and i'm like in a way they had those things back

then too where there were married couples they didn't they they didn't put words to it i mean our generation certainly we like to talk more than other generations but it's like plenty of wives knew their husband was cheating. But people knew. Right. And I think about my dad and I'm like, I think my dad inherently is not built for monogamy.

And I wonder if there was a world where he could have discussed that or found someone who was okay with what he was. But when my mom found out he was cheating, he said, this is who I am and I'm not going to change. And it's like, there is a part where it's like, yeah, my dad wasn't into monogamy.

Is there a world where he could have had a healthier version of a relationship? And the question is like, the question for me that I wind up coming back to myself is like, okay, am I, is it that I'm just not into monogamy? Is it that I am into monogamy, but I've never actually been able, I've never been in a relationship where I'm honest about a lot of the other things, like a lot of my other dissatisfactions, either with myself or with the other person like there's so there's there's no it's all just tiny little dials that we're turning tiny little degrees left and right and up and down and there's no clear answer there's no perfect world there's there are there are some cases where it's like oh yeah uh i see this i kind of bristle at that and i love dan savage but i kind of bristle at the idea of like well now we're setting up this world where you can't even uh talk to a man you know like you can't even be friends it's like totally puritanical because it's like no you fucking know you we all fucking know in our guts what is what is unkind what is cruel what behavior is cruel that you can get away with because they're not going to find out but you know that inherently it is cruel and that if they found out it would be really fucking painful and that like you are

kind of withdrawing in the relationship because you're committing this like silent cruelty or what is like ah whatever if my husband was here yeah i'm not married but like if my husband was here at this party and he saw me flirting with this guy he'd be like oh you guys are really getting along huh and we'd be fine right like we all know yeah yeah everyone knows yeah i don't know it's it's yeah I hear what you're saying Let's go to the story I want to hear the story So you were dating someone for a couple months

It was long distance How did you meet originally if it was long distance? We competed in college speech and debate together Okay Sorry that I have such raw sexual magnetism Yeah, yeah, yeah And so was it that intense of a relationship or was it like you met up,

like how often had you seen each other? Oh, no, it was intense in that it's like we're college theater kids. You know, it's like,

yes, we lived far apart, but like, we would see each other. We started dating freshman year and then this happened

sophomore year. I like visited him over the summer and, you know, it's like we're talking all the time. It's just like we're you know teenager or he was 20 or 21 or whatever and I was 19 or whatever it was. I had a girlfriend at the end of

junior junior year of high school and it was like I was in love with her and we sent each other poetry for four months and we didn't have sex but we both went to like summer camp so we were like we were going to make it through the summer camps and she ended up like hooking up with a counselor at a summer camp but I we both went to like summer camp. So we were like, we were going to make it through the summer camps. And she ended up like hooking up with a counselor at a summer camp. But I remember I went to my summer camp and the moment I like got there, I was like in love with her.

And the moment I got there and I was like alone with other people, I was like, oh, I can't. I can't possibly do not. And thank God. I mean, looking back, thank God she ended up like calling me and breaking up with me over the phone and that let me go. But I just remember being young and you're at a new space and you're alone with another person. Oh, being old and you're at a new space and you're with other people. Sure. To me, the idea that not 90% of people chafe against these kind of bounds or 70% whatever.

of people chafe against these kind of bounds or 70% whatever. Like, I think there are people who are, who are thrilled with monogamy and who are thrilled to like have to sit, have the decision just made and be done and don't have to think about that decision anymore and feel a lot of safety and security. Absolutely. But I think we frame that as the majority. I think we frame it as like, you have your girlfriend and you go to, you, you spend long distance summer camp and like you're in you're really going to be thrilled together and it like doesn't matter that you're in long distance and it doesn't matter that you're young and it doesn't matter that you're exploring things we frame that as the as the like that that is the normal experience and i think that is

far and away the abnormal experience it's not that it doesn't happen but i think that's the minority sure i think way more people are like oh i can't i can connect with people and it's not necessarily that you walk out and you're like a live wire but like i think everyone almost everyone has experiences where they run into people and they just like suddenly feel this like zap of electricity and then you have to be like okay now what do i do yeah and I just kept making a decision. I would feel that zap of electricity. Also, for the record, I had a million times when I could have cheated, and I didn't.

What was that first thing while you were long-distance? You were thinking about it for a long time, and then you were just like, eh, it's just like a slippery slope that kind of like the lines were playing. Or was it a party? You were just like, eh.

Something's happening. It was a party, but nothing happened that first night. I held back because I knew that I was supposed to. I knew I was in a relationship. I had a boyfriend. That was before the words monogamy were like in our you know lexicon yeah yeah lexicon yeah um but no it was to me it's that it's that so like and this is what what this is why i did a show about it because it's really too much to capture in just like a short conversation

but yeah i think that when you feel when you when you feel unattractive in formative years, you develop a scarcity mentality, and you learn that attention from whatever gender you're interested in is the most valuable resource, and you don't know when you're going to get that resource again, and when you got it, you got to fucking jump on it. And so I was dating this guy who was very smart and very funny, but not particularly attractive, pretty ugly, and smelly. And smelly. He ugly and smelly. And smelly.

He was very smelly. That's what you got to help these kids. If you have an ugly kid, at least let him smell good, for Christ's sake. I don't know what it was. Anyway, but to me it was like, there were elements of him that were very attractive. He was very smart, very funny, fun to be around, and very competitively successful in college speech and debate. And, but to me, that was a scarcity mentality.

It was like, this is the best I'm ever going to do. You dirty talking, like, speech and debate style? Like, doing, like, fast, dirty talking? Yeah, hit me with some policy, babe. Yeah, talk about the implications of this rhetorical analysis. I think that's funny. Like, was it the kind of speech and debate where you talk really fast? That's debate.

Debaters are the nerds. It looks so stupid. You're like, what is this? That would be funny, a dirty talk. You're like, I'm going to put my pussy in your vagina right now and it's going to be really good. See, those kids, they don't ever have sex. We have sex.

Speech and debate. Okay, so. We have sex. Debate, speech and debate. Okay, so then you hooked up with this guy. Well, but so it's that like that was a scarcity mentality, right? This is who's interested in me. Okay, great. This feels nice to have somebody be interested in me. I'm going to be with this person. And I was interested in him too, very much so.

But I think like if I hadn't had the scarcity mentality, which I think so many people have, I think I probably would have left that relationship earlier. I probably would have been like, okay, this is actually not, I'm not super into this. And so then I go to this party and I have chemistry with somebody who is like on the, and this is putting it very transactionally and it's not good, but I think this is how a lot of people talk, think. Like on the ladder of attractiveness,

this guy at the party who I had electricity with was like one rung up. Right. He was still, he still looked like, uh, a member of the insane clown posse. Like this guy looked like a, I don't know,

an enforcer at a circus. We're talking three to four. We're not talking. No, we are not. Right. We, I'm,

I am moving from a two to a three, but, but this guy, but he was like, he smelled so much better and he, and he was there and we were flirting and it was fun and it's intoxicating to flirt. And so then it's like,

here's another scarcity mentality moment. If I leave this, I never get this again. I don't, I didn't have the confidence to know that I would get that again. And now it's like, I'm old enough to be like, Oh yeah,

I can walk into a bar and flirt with somebody. Like I can press that little dopamine button if i want you know like i can get the morphine drip if i if i need if i need it but at the time you know when you're young you don't yeah you you when you feel unattractive you don't have that kind of confidence can i say i i do sometimes think with we we both have a lot of gay friends. He's in theater and I started in theater. I do sometimes think like I can – it's strange to say. I can sometimes with a gay man like have a flirt.

Sure. In a way that is like – I would say that gay man says 100% you're having a flirt. Sure, sure. And we might be having very different – and I'm sure there's some gay men who have thought maybe something would come out of this. But I do sometimes think

I can have that fun of what a flirt is. You feel attractive. Yeah, I feel attractive and I feel like there's chemistry and it's probably one of the, I can do it safely. So you're admitting

to queerbaiting? Yes. You heard it here. Heard it right here. John Marcos Torres. Queerbaiting, and I like it. I love it here. Heard it right here. John Marco Ceresi. Queerbaiting, and I like it. I love it. It makes me feel good.

Temps gay men into hitting on him just to make himself feel hot. Wow, John Marco Ceresi. I just realized it now. Problematic male comedian. I do flirt, and it's very safe within the context of my relationship. Oh, yeah, safe for you to stomp on a poor gay man's heart. Safe for you to look into his eyes and say, we can't kiss, that's too intimate, but you can give me a handjob.

Just for you to feel good and get some likes on Twitter and things. People say that I post a picture where I look okay, and they're like, we know what you're doing. And I'm like, well, yeah, I want to feel pretty. Yeah. In the, in the eyes of men who would love to kiss you. We need a,

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See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th. I am so dreading groceries this week. Why? You can skip it. Oh what just like that? Just like that. How about dinner with my third cousin? Skip it. Prince Fluffy's favorite treats? Skippable. Midnight snacks? Skip. My neighbor's nightly saxophone practices. Uh, nope. You're on your own there. Could have skipped it. Should have skipped it. Skip to the good part and get groceries, meals, and more delivered right to your door on Skip. So, so then with that guy you just made out.

No, we did more. We, we did, we. F and V? Uh, probably. Certainly P and M. Oh, P and M? Wow. When I...

The first person I like... The first person whose genitals we all exchanged things with, I was so nervous about We Like... Who's the We All? We All. But I remember the way that we talked about it. We were like, because I've always been very like uncomfortable talking about like verbalizing certain things. So we were like, we came up with nicknames for like, what if you touched my, and then we came up with a nickname for like what the vagina was.

Can you give us an example of what it was? It's so humiliating. Yeah. She came up with it. It wasn't me. No, just say it. It wasn't't me it wasn't me but she would refer she would refer to her own vagina as what I forget what the vagina was all I remember is that

my penis was referred to as Zeus at some point wow I did not call my penis Zeus so what would it be we are gonna we have to cancel you by the end I did not call my penis Zeus. Wow. We were like, so what would it be? And it was like, I feel like. We are going to, we have to cancel you by the end of this podcast.

Zeus, because it had a shockingly long beard. No, I don't know why. It was just random. Zeus because it shot lightning. You must have been reading Greek mythology or something. Something like that. I got a good idea. Zeus.

But you don't, what was her nickname? I feel like for some- Did you keep with the theme of- You don't think it was more like, it should have been like Cupid for your dick? You know, like a little baby? I feel like for some reason we used other body parts. Like we called her maybe her vagina like an ear like no nightmare zeus and hey will you lick me zeus is gonna put your zeus in my ear i

this poor woman this poor poor woman oh my what happened happened to her? So this was, this was like, so I just started stand-up in college. Like, I took a class at Caroline's, went back to school,

did an hour. And it was like, it was like the dirtiest, like filthiest hour. It was every time I had sex. My girlfriend, she'll be sucking my Zeus. And I'm like,

baby, just let me put it in your ear. It was, it was literally like, the first time I, it was was like learning about, like the first time I came, the first, a woman who peed on me by accident and thought, like, it was all just dirty. It was like a dirty hour. We're about to find out that John Margo has been engaging in kink acts since he was 15. And so what happened was I mentioned like the woman who I had first had sex with.

And I didn't say her name or anything. How old were you when you first had sex? 18. Wow. And so in the thing, I – and she had had sex before. And it was just about my failure. It was like I came too fast. It was like it was just leaning into all these things.

And that person saw – I put it on youtube or whatever like and it still exists i did like an hour in a black box of my theater you haven't taken that down off of youtube it's unlisted it's unlisted but here's so she saw it and basically like posted like and again i really felt like it oh it didn't yeah it didn't like insult her sure that uh but it was just like you know i i doubt anyone would want to hear, oh, my God, you talked 30 minutes about our sex life on stage. Right, yeah. And then so she wrote my other girlfriend from high school and being like, just so you know, he's talking about this on stage. Now, the other girlfriend I had a bit that was like very crass and harsh.

And it was the line that I said in it, again, bad stand-up comedy. It was like it was about her having a smelly pussy or whatever. And it was like, I went down there for the first time. Smelly ear. Smelly ear, yeah. Smelly ear, and finding her clit, I think the line was finding her clit, was like finding a pimple in a truck driver's armpit.

And again, I didn't say her name. I was like 20. I just, on a stand-up class at Caroline's, it killed with him. And so she- You are allowed. Wow. Honestly, look, I'm not going to cancel you for queerbaiting.

I'm not going to cancel you for calling your dick Zeus. Saying that finding a clip is like finding a pimple in a truck driver's armpit. It's a good visual, I will say. It's insulting to truck drivers, if anything. That's what I think is the most concerning. It's very classist. Very classist comedy. You're breezing over the woman who it's insulting to? But again, I didn't name,

I didn't do, like, it was all an abstraction. But she, this other girlfriend, sent it to the pass girl and was like like he's talking about you on stage and I quickly thank God in time

I took it off YouTube and then that girlfriend wrote me and this was like this was like we dated for four months in high school and it was like

a whirlwind romance and then she hooked up with a counselor at a camp and like broke my heart and blah blah blah blah but but so I didn't have any bad

seems like the counselor was fine with her because he smelled I guess so and counselor at a camp and like broke my heart and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But, but so I didn't have any bad. Seems like the counselor was fine with her pussy smoke. I guess so. And, and she wrote me, she was like, uh, I'd love to see this clip, uh, that this person told me about. And I was, and I was like, oh, I was an amalgamation of such and such and this and that. And don't worry about it. And she's like, sure. I'd still love to see it.

And I never showed it, of course. And you know, if she's followed my career up to this point and is listening to the podcast. She knows now. And listen, I felt. Cancel him. Cancel him. But it was just, you know, it was just early.

I mean, it was like an early stand-up lesson of like, oh, you can't just talk about everything. And it was so, I never thought in my mind this person would ever see this and connect the dots and you just it was an early lesson an early artistic lesson right a lesson that i have yet to learn because i'm still shit talking my old job and i assume that no one will ever see this podcast and go, oh, she shit talks people who pay her money. Anyways, keep going. Okay, so you fooled around. Did you

tell... So when did you decide? Oh, so I tried... So it was like, I was hooking up with this other guy for like a month and then I remember driving home for Thanksgiving and being like in the i remember in the car being like i gotta break up i gotta end this really like and i had already

been debating for a while i'd been unhappy in the relationship for a while and i was like i gotta figure out whether um i i i just have to i just have to do it but i had learned at the point at that point i learned that you're not supposed to break up with somebody over the phone you're not supposed to break up with somebody over text and you're not supposed to break up with somebody over text and we were going to see each other over christmas and so it's like the reunion there's no right there's no good the answer is fucking do it over the phone yeah but i was i was too young to know that right i had like internalized the wrong lesson here the lesson of like the kinder thing is to look them in the eyes and so i uh waited until Christmas and I said, hey, I would like to break up.

And then he said, he said, no, let's give it, let's give it four more weeks. And if it's bad by the end of the four weeks, then we can break up. But if it's good, then we stay together. Which in retrospect, what is it is a is a manipulative. I mean, that is a very bad response. I didn't know you could say no to a breakup. Yeah, right? I'm thinking that.

I don't think so. And I think what he... To be fair to him, so in fairness to him, I think he was saying, I would like to give it another shot. Right? Let's try and fix some of the...

I don't think we were mature enough to be saying, let's fix the problems that are going on. old are you uh 19 at that point yeah it's it's no it's like it's crazy things we tried to navigate to navigate right also in fairness to him he then for six months after we did eventually break up a month later uh he logged into my facebook read all of my messages and then was logging into my email multiple times a week and reading my emails for six months after and by the way, that woman, that girlfriend who told the other girlfriend when we were breaking up, logged into my Facebook, found a brutal message I sent to a friend about how much. Because we were already broken up.

But yeah, that's rough. And it's like when you're younger, you do fucking bad things. Yeah, I think this guy at least was least was at the time, a bad guy. I haven't talked to him in a long time. But I think it was sort of in line. The way he talked to me during the breakup, eventually months down the road, was not good. This guy was a dude who I don't mind. Him, I don't mind talking shit about on a podcast.

Him, if people find this, they will know who it is. There are people who would know who... Not a lot, but there are people who I competed with who would know who this is. Hey man, that's a bridge that I don't mind burning. Sure. Let me just say, with these two women, I was very young when this all happened.

Wow, doesn't want to get killed. And just for the record, I look back on all those old relationships and I'm like, there was like want to get kids. And let me just end, just for the record, I just want to clear my name here. I look back on all those old relationships, though, and I'm like, there was like, emotionally, like, it was bad. And I felt like some things, but I also look back and I'm like, I could never get, I look back

and I'm like, we were children. We were fucking children. That's the really confusing thing to me, particularly about, like, unpacking my own specific bad habit in relationships or multiple bad habits in relationships. Cheating is honestly, I think, more the symptom. Like, I think that I think the issues are more like I stay in relationships. The one huge breakthrough that I had in the four months of therapy that I went to, she was like, do you think that the reason that you struggle do you think that the reason zoe do you think that the reason you struggle to decide to end relationships is maybe because the first time you tried to end a big

serious relationship he pushed back on you and then you caved and stayed together for another six or seven months whatever it was and i was like oh that's an interesting yeah so it is what's crazy is that like on one hand what we do as kids is like yeah you're fucking kids and you make mistakes and kids do stupid shit all the time. And like, how could I possibly be saying that a relationship that I had when I was 19 was important? And yeah, and I, on one hand, I fully believe that. On the other hand, it's like, yeah, but those are the super, super formative experiences.

And that is where like patterns start to take root. And it's really thorny. This is another thing where to me, it's like, we're all, it's all just little dials. Like it's impossible to really, really pull it it apart and in some ways it is important and in some ways it's stupid dog shit that doesn't matter right in some ways it was a year long relationship in college and who gives a shit. Yeah. Okay so that's the first time because it's crazy that how many times how many times are looking at here. I don't know. Cheating.

Really? I mean, I've just never – the thing is that, like, yeah, I've never gone back and, like, gone, like, one, two, three, four. I've never done that. But the thing is that, like, by the way I define it, I'm like, oh, yeah. There was one time where I kissed a guy at a party, and it took me years to look back and be like, oh, I forgot that I kissed a guy at that party because it was so meaningless that I like didn't. It was like fun in the moment. And then I but I was like out of town and I went back and like, I just remember to have to tell Tova something. Right.

So it's like there's that. And I look back and I'm like, oh, yeah, I guess that was cheating. Then there's times where it's like, oh, I had this huge emotional affair. It's, I, to me,

it's all, it's, the pattern is just that I have perpetually been willing. I have, like when I'm faced with a, with an, an electricity with a person, I,

my pattern is that I always choose to lean into that electricity. Honestly, if anything, I'm just like too in the moment. I'm too present. Yeah. Too Zen. Too,

too head up. Yeah. Yeah. I'm looking up too much. I should be looking at my phone and, and calling my boyfriend a little bit more. No, but it's,

well, that's, I think it's just interesting how. Also, like I never got found or I got found out once. And I think if I had gotten found out earlier, like, I never got found, or I got found out once, and I think if I had gotten found out earlier, I experienced any negative consequences for my behavior, I'm sure I would have been like, oh, yeah, this is bad.

How did you get found out? I just learned to, I got really drunk, and my boyfriend at the time found a text. Oh. He went on your phone? I have no, I truly was blackout drunk, and I don't know what happened. I don't know if he went on my phone.

I don't know if he, like, saw over my. The next day you woke up, and how ugly was that fight? Awful. Terrible. I mean, so bad. And then we stayed together. You explained the scarcity mindset philosophy. No.

See, when you think about... And you know, it's all about attachment styles. And think back to when I was a child. Anyway, where are you going? It's all about attachment styles. Think back to when I was a child. Anyway, where are you going? One thing that happened... I was dating someone in college.

Then one summer, we went on a break. But it was not well-defined. Not well-defined. But it was like we were going to separate summer things again. A lot of camps for a straight guy. And musical theater camps at that. That's money. I met this person at this camp.

Emotional money, because a lot of gay guys like him. I met this woman at this camp, and she was super out of my league. I think a similar, what is happening? my leak like like it i think a similar a similar like what is happening and uh we so basically we hooked up and i i didn't consider it cheating but it definitely was like if anything i was like reverse emotionally cheating with my person i was on a break with like we were talking and it was just like bad behavior it was messy messy messy messy. But eventually, that person and I had been seeing each other at school. We stopped talking. And I was just kind of dating this person in a whirlwind summer romance type vibe.

A lot of whirlwind romances out of this guy. Whirlwind romance. I mean, summer. If I had a son, I'd be like, for summer, high school, just be free. Camps are fun. Not women. Not a daughter. Not a daughter. Daughter, I'd say, just be free. You know, like the camps are fun. Not women. Not a daughter. Not a daughter.

Daughter, I'd say, you stay away. You would turn into the uncle from the Fablemans. So bottom line, I basically had like this relationship with this person at the summer camp. We have this final performance. For the end of the camp, we perform a song. And my ex, I guess, from school surprised me at this show. You'd have to ask her what the thought was behind it. But I don't think they knew that I was necessarily seeing someone else there. So who knows?

Wouldn't have. Unless she was there to trap you. I think this was certainly before I had an Instagram. I didn't have an Instagram until, God, late. If I had an Instagram earlier, I'd be so famous by now. But basically this person surprised me. I believe I even horrifically introduced her to the person I was seeing. In a way, trying to prove it's casual.

It's nothing. Actually, this is just a friend of mine. trying to prove it's casual, it's nothing. Actually, this is just a friend of mine. I probably was in the moment like this is, I don't know if I should have said girlfriend, but I wasn't hiding anything. It was awkward. It was weird.

So then I'm talking to this person I was seeing from college, my ex essentially, and I got a text from the person I had been hooking up with at camp, and she said, meet me around the corner. And I don't know if I've ever told this story before, but so I'm like weird. I say to this person, I'll be right back. I go around the corner and she's there and she's like crying and she's like, you've been

cheating on me with this person from your college. I fucking knew it. And I was gobsmacked because I wasn't. I wasn't. And I certainly hadn't known she was coming. I mean, but she was like dead set. Like I was cheating on her, this, that, and the other. And I remember I was so shocked.

I so didn't want it to end. We had like four days left of this camp. And I was like, you know, in my mind, I was like, I really would love to keep having sex for four more days before this is over. And I remember I got on my knees in the middle of the street and I was like, I swear to God, I'm not cheating. And there was a cab driver there and got on my knees in the middle of the street and I was like, I swear to God I'm not cheating.

And there was a cab driver there and there was a woman in the back seat waiting and she was like, he's sorry, honey. Forgive him, baby. And I was like, thank you, but I don't think you're helping this at all. Internalized misogyny. Patriarchy in action.

That woman should have been on the lady's side. This was where I really regret my actions, where this woman who was accusing me of cheating kind of stormed off. We were supposed to see a show that night or something. And I followed her and basically abandoned my college, who I had an emotionally meaningful relationship with. In the moment, if I look back, I'd be like, this person is behaving absurdly, accusing me of something. Sure.

Listen, I know I'm going to get your sympathy. We've got to not judge each other here. If anything, Russ is going to be judging both of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I basically like I left that person there. And then I was so scared. This person kept thinking that I was cheating on them with my college ex, which I wasn't. Right.

But like, you know, suddenly I texted that person like, I'm so sorry I abandoned you there. Then she saw my phone. She was looking through my phone. Who, your college ex or the camp? The camp person. Like saw that I texted her. It was like, I knew what you were cheating. I knew it, you, you.

And I remember I ended up going to, I went to Shetler Studios because I was so scared of her going through my phone. And I made a call on their office phone to my ex from college. And I was like, hey, I'm sorry. I can't talk. I know you're in New York, but I'm sorry. Basically, I capitulated to this person's paranoia and in doing so treated horribly this person from college. This person who was important to you. Who was important to me.

And then I. They were both, but at that point they're both important to you. Yeah. I don't know. To me, I'm like, I,

I would be much more magnated toward the person who I had just had, who I had been in this intense thing with for the last several months. Like, yeah, I think that is. Sure. But she was behaving. Sure. And I don't...

She was behaving in a way that you have to go, I can't be hurting other people because you're behaving so irrationally. But also, her reaction sounds justified. If your college girlfriend shows up, knowing that she doesn't fully know what's going on, shows up to the final performance, I think I would be like,

the fuck is happening? Yeah, but I should be able to say, I should be able to say, this is what happened. It was a surprise and you have to believe me. Sure. But here, basically what,

I just think all relationships, almost all relationships, are very messy and we act as if messiness is the outlier. We act as if messiness is not the norm. And it's like, no, messiness is always the norm. The people who are happy to just go to Trader Joe's on the weekend and buy bread and then go home at night is like, that's the outlier. That's the crazy one.

But I think looking back. Also, maybe I'm just friends with a lot of. Maybe. Fucked up artists. I just think, I mean, talk about scarcity mindset or just like, you know, it was just like, it was basically a hot person wanted to fuck me at the time. And I decided to value that above all other emotional connections. And that's not good. That's not good. Yeah, but I also think that's so normal. Everyone gets that.

Yeah, that's the like. It's like, you know, we can pretend that we don't get it if emily radikowski tried to fuck you right now yeah but no but but no if emily radikowski tried to fuck me and i cheated no one's feeling sympathy for me i can't go to i can't i can't that's bad it's no one's feeling sympathy for you but i but me, I guess here's, and this is actually kind of, maybe this is like kind of my message, is that I'm never asking about my own behaviors or about anybody who's cheated,

who's talking about cheating. I've never asked for sympathy, but I do think, I've never asked for permission, you know, for like, you know, oh, poor little angel. But I do think that behaviors like that are so much more understandable than how we cast them like i don't think people make crazy

decisions i think people make decisions that like every single domino leads to the next domino and if you fucked emily ratajkowski i hope you never die tova i love you and i hope that you are in a happy relationship for years and years and years. And we have all this full conversation of the beforehand. Olivia Munn, that was the thing. Olivia Munn tweeted at John Mulaney, like, can't wait to see you tonight at the show. And then it's like you connect the pieces.

You're like, wow, it started there. To me, it's just that you wouldn't get sympathy if you fucked Emily Ratajkowski, but people would be like, sure, I get it. It's Emily Ratajkowski, but people would be like, sure, I get it. It's Emily Ratajkowski, right? Like, like,

that's fucked up though. That's bad. I had a father who cheated. Constant. We've already said it. and, and there's a degree of like, look,

if you want to fuck other people, just go, you, you gotta, you gotta have that conversation like like or or like i have i don't i don't if someone if i find out you know that that russell cheated on his wife i wouldn't be like well fuck you you're a evil bad person but i'm like yeah that's that's let's let's i mean with you when you talk about it in this show it's like if you feel that you're gonna cheat now i feel especially with all the reflection

that you've had you should be up front with that person before you totally do it totally i mean now basically it's that like now i am i have done so much self-reflection and I still have more. It's not that I'm, I'm not, you know, done. Um, I certainly don't need therapy. I'm certainly a hundred percent fine. Uh,

but no, no, no. Like I, I've done so much thinking and, and metabolizing about my own patterns. And, and now I am entering relationships and I'm,

this is sort of lowercase our relationships but i've had two two men who i have dated have seen the show uh and in both cases they were like one was like uh yep i've like i have had my own experiences where i have cheated and like i get it and our experiences are a little different and like i'm not gonna I you know I'm hopefully not doing it anymore but like I see this I think it's funny if you cheat on them and like like imagine imagine you're a friend to this guy you're like dude my girlfriend cheated on me oh that's so bad how do you how do you meet her well she's on a show about how much she cheats fuck you know what oh god damn it you're like i'm sorry man that's and then and my my hope is that like i'm now entering relationships

being much more upfront about like what my patterns are what i see what i need and i think even more importantly than being upfront with other people, because I've always for my entire life, I have entered every single relationship I have been in since that very first smelly guy, uh, saying I have a history of cheating. I have cheated before.

I have a history of cheating. I don't want to do it again. I don't want to repeat it. I have entered every single relationship saying that early. I've never hidden it, which is part of why I'm willing to do this solo show. I've always been, I've been upfront about cheating way earlier than I was doing standup.

I remember I used to have a corporate job, and my boss at the corporate job knew that I had a history of cheating. I am fine, and I don't need therapy. Has anyone come to this show and said, fuck you? Nobody anyone come to the show and said, fuck you? Nobody has come to the show and said, fuck you. I have had people, I've had a handful of times, I've had people be like, pass on the message, be like,

I had a friend with me and they said, I've gotten this reaction a couple of times, they said that they have been cheated on, it was really, really painful, and they said that they were shocked that by the end of the show, they didn't hate you. Wow. That has happened multiple times.

Because to me, it's like, yeah, it's all this, it's a nuanced conversation, and everybody deals with some version of this feeling. And also, I am not trying to say, cheating is fine we should all do it not at all it hurts people it is i i just think that it hurts people in a similar way that a lot of maladaptive coping mechanisms hurt people and we we give a lot of leniency to other when somebody's like a gambling addict and they you know gamble away the family savings yeah we're

like he has a problem and it's always a man he has a problem. And it's always a man. He has a problem. And if somebody cheats, and until that gambling addict or until a substance abuser or whatever suddenly fucks somebody else, then we're like, and that bastard. And it's like, how is that more hurtful? It's hurtful, but it's all in the same big

soup anyway you think you get it's my little soapbox more or less sympathy cheating because you're a woman do you think there's any difference i mean obviously there's different what do you think the difference is between the way like people view women who cheat and men who cheat i i mean i think that there are again here's the problem my answer to like all of these is that and this is this is a an issue in stand-up my answer all of these is that like there's nuance there are cases where i think women are cast much more like as much more devilishly much more sinister that it's like manipulative and there were like these sirens who are who are disobeying the rules and that if men

cheat in there are cases where like people see men cheat it's like yeah like men just got these urges and like you know they can't really like they can't control themselves and women are supposed to control themselves and so when they're not it's that they're manipulating other people now there's an inverse where people are like oh men are the cheaters and women don't cheat very often and so a woman being like i cheat I cheat, is actually viewed with much more, there's like interest and forgiveness and willing to listen to nuance. Because it seems less, right, totally.

I will say that when I tell women I have a history of cheating, the most common reaction, so far and away the most common reaction is women being like, oh, me too. So, so far and away the most common reaction so far and away the most common reaction is women being like oh me too so so far and away the most common reaction when i say i've cheated in almost every relationship i wow i'm not saying like the the you know it's 90 but like over half of the reactions i get are women being like oh yeah i've cheated in a ton of relationships too do you want to like set up a

camera bring tova and n and Nicole in a room? Just find out. But to me, this is why, this is why I care so much about this because I'm like, it is fucking everywhere. I do in my show. I do.

I, the only bit of, of audience interaction that I do, I say, I say round of applause if you've cheated in here. And it's always like two or three people in a room of 50 or whatever. And, and I,

you know, I joke about how brave they are and, you know, these bad people have guts. And, uh, and then I go, okay,

an easier one. Clap if you've been cheated on. And it's always more every single time. And it's like, yeah, okay, well, mathematically that doesn't add up. Or the cheaters are too busy to go

to one-person shows at Edinburgh. Yeah, they got stuff to do. Now, let me just ask, we're doing okay, do you think your parents getting divorced when you were two? They were never married. They were never married. But they separated when you were two? They were never married. They were never married.

But they separated when you were two? Yeah, split up. One, one and a half, yeah, baby. And did they ever date? Are they married again? Did they get remarried? They never dated anybody else. And it's, the three of us are like still a little happy family.

I mean, like, there's like, there's certainly issues. Like, now I see that there is a lot of anger between them and a lot of resentment between them that I didn't feel for a long time. But in the same way that like old married couples have that, like they, they don't, they live very far apart. They live 2000 miles apart. But like my dad comes back to Minnesota for Christmas and like,

you think they ever fuck? Uh, people ask that. I truly hate that question. Why? Uh, what do you mean? Why?

Why? Thank you. Seriously. Why? He's like, thank you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I mean why? Why? Thank you No seriously why? Thank you He thinks about it a lot No no no

No I think why Because my parents date I have to deal with the reality Of my mom and her sex life And I think I Because they don't I never have to deal with the reality Of my parents and their sex lives

Do you think they do? No not I'm sure they used I'm sure when I was I'm sure like There were years where they when I was, I'm sure like there were years where they debated getting back together. But they never date anywhere. Well, my question, do you think they're getting it

anywhere else? No. You just think they're done. They lock their genitals up. Interesting. Wow. And if they, if that's not true, I don't want to hear any different. We have them right here.

But you're talking about cheating. You're literally exploiting. Yes, and I have lines, John Margo. I just think it's fascinating. I think it's fascinating. I wonder if, who knows? I wonder if maybe they have their own things that they do on the side that you don't know about. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I would know if they were dating.

Sure. But I'm saying like, who's to say your dad's not going out and using an app and meeting someone who wants to fuck? 100%. You get a sense from people. Yeah. Sometimes. You think you know your parents' exact sex life? No.

But I think there's- Are your parents still together or with people? They're still together. But I feel like there's a general vibe. Like, if you're like, can they even use an app? Like, do you know what I mean? Like, sometimes there's a vibe of like, also depending where you live. My dad is technologically illiterate.

He still figures out how to use apps. That's true. Yeah, you know what's funny? For sex, you don't need an app. Yeah, that's true. How often do you think your parents have sex per year? I don't. John Marco, again, I don't want to.

Why is no one curious about this? Why are you so curious? Because this is why I'm in therapy, and you're too scared to explore. You exist because your dad came and your mom. You two. And you both are like, no, not me. I'm fine with it. I don't have to think about it and talk to them about it.

I'm not asking what makes your mom cum. I'm just saying, do they have sex? It it. I'm not asking what makes your mom cum. I'm just saying do they have sex? It really sounds like you're asking what makes his mom cum. You guys are so repressed. You're so repressed. What are you talking to your mom about? What do you want us to talk about? My mom's putting it on me.

She's like this last guy couldn't get enough. You don't think that's the issue that's going on? You don't think that our parents have reasonable boundaries with us? And you're like, my mom keeps talking to me about her sex life. And why don't you guys want to talking to me about her sex life. And why don't you guys want to know about your mom's sex life? You're just externally projecting your own trauma of your mom being like. You're so full of shit. You're talking about exploring and reconceptualizing and understanding cheating and fidelity and sex.

But then our parents. And then it's a black body. You can't possibly talk about it. Here's the difference. I'm not saying if they came to me with something and they were going to share it that I'd be like, no, mom and dad. I'm saying am I sitting at home being like,

I wonder when my parents fuck last night. How can you not be curious? How can you not be curious? I don't care. I don't know. It doesn't matter to me. It doesn't come in my head of something I even would think about naturally. What if your parents aren't fully satisfied? What if they need something? That's not my problem! Why would I care? I'm not gonna do...

What am I gonna do? I'm gonna get involved and be like, come on! Smush them together? What the fuck am I gonna do about them? I don't give a shit. I can't wait for Russell to come home for Christmas so he can finally smush our genitals together. I don't know what you want from me.

I just want your parents to be happy. I think they seemingly are. Oh, and I'm sure my parents are lonely. But again, what am I going to do about it? Let's go on to our next segment. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. Should I look at my things?

Get out those notes. Should I pitch? This has got to stop. I have a this has got to stop that I'll say. So I met someone. I'm going to be a little bit vague about it, but I met someone who, not a big-time celebrity, but a celebrity in my life, certainly,

that I watched many times growing up. And it's just incredible how quickly I met them, and it was cool for half a second. And then I was in a conversation with a stranger, and I felt uncomfortable, and I needed to get... It was like someone who I admired within seconds. I was like,

oh, now I'm talking to a stranger, and I'm uncomfortable, and I want to leave. And so my This Has Got to Stop is meeting your heroes. That I think it's not just... And you're the first person to ever say that. But it's not that. It's not a sense of don't meet your heroes because That I think it's not just, there's, I think, And you're the first person to ever say that. But it's not that.

It's not a sense of like, don't meet your heroes because they're shitty. It's like, don't meet your heroes because what's fun is that they exist in your imagination.

And so, like Tova was saying, like, we should get into music because I think being in entertainment, you end up meeting a lot of these people

that you enjoy and it ruins the illusion. And so she's like, let's get into music where we're never gonna meet lot of these people that you enjoy and it ruins the illusion and so she's like let's get into music where we're never going to meet some of these people and we can enjoy them as like these these figures yeah like i don't want to meet a lot of these actors i don't think i would have been the same thing about music though i don't like any of it i feel like because then you do if you do meet them or you do you know yeah it's it there's a stressful element to it i agree with yeah but so it's not just like don't be your heroes because then you're going to see

them be rude to their assistant it's just that like because you you're you're gonna just they exist you know like i think it'll be weird if when i someday i'm sure i'll meet melanie and jessica who are both like idols of mine and it's going to... He's sure, folks. I don't think I'll dig it. Or it'll be weird. I don't know. So that's why this has got to stop. There's certain people that I'm like, oh, even if they're somewhere,

I don't need to say hi to them. I'm going to be like... I don't want to ruin the illusion. So what's stopping? You talking to people? Yeah. This has got to stop. Me talking to new people.

You accosting a celebrity on the sidewalk has got to stop. That has got to stop. Too many celebrities are throwing themselves at John Marco. I think don't meet your heroes because they're always shorter than you picture them. Oh, sure. People always say to me, they're like, you're so tall. So lucky to be them. My next got Gotta Stop is...

Say it clean. I'm going to say it. This Gotta Stop. Okay, sorry. This Gotta Stop. This has gotta stop. You know what's gotta stop? Imagine the clip. The way Russell's saying the title of this bit.

You said it, but she was talking, so now do it again. I want you to think externally the way I have to. This has got to stop. Giving words gender that don't need gender, like fake made-up words like Shiro. Oh. Her story. I felt like 2016, that was kind of like what we were doing.

People still do it. I saw Shiro recently. You could just say hero. That just is a man, a woman. What, you hate women now? If anything, you could highlight H-E-R and little O for hero, hero. I don't know.

But like, the her is in there. So there's, we don't, Dianne Feinstein, is she a shero? I don't know. I'm just saying, I think, why make the word a silly word? More like Dianne Feinstein. Yeah. Let's take it in the opposite direction. Let's insert misogyny into words.

Why make it a made-up silly word that's hard to take seriously when it could just, there's no gender attached to it anyways. In a way, by making it shero, youiro you're like pointing out the gender more than just saying they're a hero yeah you're you're like you're you're making it about you're also like by saying the word it feels like you're saying like this person died and i'm a i'm a feminist as well it's just like just honor just do this do the task at hand. I gotta say, I hear two straight men explaining to women. Please. No, no, no, no, no. If you disagree, please let us not love the word shero. It's mainly the word shero. I don't know. I hated it.

No, don't back off. You feel strongly. Yeah, bow to me. For I am your leader. Your lead her. So, no, I mean, I think it sounds like your problem, and rightfully so, is like girl boss feminism,

right? Have you heard this term? It's like what shit that gets printed on mugs. I think it's not just that it's like annoying, which whatever, but it's also like,

in a way, it feels like it undermines, it's like, Oh yeah, it trivializes whatever you're talking about. Yes, yes. And I feel like it puts you, and maybe this is not fair. When I see that kind of language, I put people in the, this is what the kind of person that they are category.

The person using the language or the person they're talking about? The person using the language, usually. In like a simplified box of like, oh, this is, you know, they're like, yeah, that label of girl boss kind of like, which feels like, sometimes feels like a false sort of thing that doesn't feel like it is truly a power. Oh yeah, it's like a commercialized, it's like greenwashing, but for feminism.

Yeah, it's just like any sort of like corporate language now that you're like. And add on top of that, that it's like the person, it's about this like complicated figure and it's like Dianne Fiennes it's like the person, it's about this like complicated figure. And it's like Dianne Feinstein, like just say, it's complicated, the legacy. It's the same way of calling like Ruth Bader Ginsburg like a boss bitch.

And not like, not being like, oh, so she probably should have retired when Obama was in power. There's just like, it's both kinds of thinking. It's just this, it's a weird. Well, it's like, it's wanting to pat to pat ourselves yeah like people who use those words honestly i think it's fine to box the people in who use those words into into a label in your head because uh people who use words like shiro uh probably are patting themselves on the back for feeling like they're progressive without yeah don't you dare fucking interrupt me, you man. And those people, back to what I,

a lady, was saying, the people who use labels like that are like, really, they want to feel like they're making progress without ever taking any actual action to break through the glass shielding. Wow, that's good. That's good. You know what? I can see that tonight

show writing. I do think sometimes it's surprising because sometimes it's like people that I'm like, oh, like, I didn't think, like, it just is surprising. It's a small thing. No, but it's that kind of stuff that it's, I don't know. Okay, how about herstory? How do you feel about herstory?

Oh, I hate it all. It's insane. Yeah, no, no, it sucks so bad. But I also hate things, this isn't the same thing, but like, you know, like if you're getting a tour at someone's house and they're like, this is his man cave.

I was like, just like. It's just a cave. It's just a cave or it's just. It's just a room. It's just another room with a couch and a TV. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, good, make it about men. Go to your hero.

But no, I said, because we had texts about this, where it's the same. To me, it's like, especially when someone dies, and you're inserting that in, it's like if there was a tragedy, and it was like, oh, like there was a bomb in New York, and you're like, God, who is a woman, has forsaken us. It's like, what?

What? What is this? It's distracting. Yeah, there are times. Actually, God as a woman, using female pronouns for God, it's a funny example because there are times where it's so...

And I hate the idea that a divine presence is like an old guy with a beard sitting on a cloud. Of course. God, the he, you know, I really, I detest that. It drives me nuts.

But also when people are like, wow, God and all of her infinite wisdom smiled upon us. You, you just can't, it's just so different. You can't not hear it. And then you're like,

I don't want to be paying attention to that right now. I want to be talking about something else. I don't want to be paying attention to your like virtue signaling yeah um what's your this has got to stop i got some pitches um all right uh i'll do this um this has got to stop people getting hangry when people are like sorry i'm in a bad mood i'm just i get hangry i'm like can't you just not yeah can't you just hold it in for a second okay or eat a granola bar now i'm angry because you are behaving like a child like i when when people blame their like bad mood on like sorry my tummy's rumbling and that gives me

permission to be obnoxious yeah do either of you get hangry no and i also think but i do think that's something that's like quality people they just then it's like a cutesy thing like something about me is that i get hangry you know and so then they just, then it's like a cutesy thing. Like, something about me is that I get hangry, you know? And so then they fall back on it. And it like permits them to be an asshole. To me, you should be saying something about me.

I struggle with emotional impulse controls. Yeah. And I can be a real nightmare to be around sometimes. Yeah. Like that's what you're saying. Something about me is, uh, I went to therapy for four months and then I,

and then I broke up with my therapist and I think that nothing's wrong with me anymore. Uh, I completely agree with that one. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like therapy for four months, and then I broke up with my therapist, and I think that nothing's wrong with me anymore. I completely agree with that one. Yeah, hangry. And also, again, I can't take that word seriously. It's a stupid little word that doesn't, you know. Hangry. Real dictionary Nazi over here. It should be hang-she.

Hangry. I like that one. Yeah. Let's go on to our final segment you better count your blessing you better count

your blessing Russell do you got a blessing for us yeah a nice little small thing Nicole's mom and her mom's boyfriend came to visit the city saw the show and um it was very nice that was so nice of them but that's not the blessing the blessing is that they gave us their password to paramount plus and it's just nice to have another app. You run out of things that you're

like, and now I'm like, am I going to watch 45 seasons of Survivor? Maybe. It's all there. It's just nice to scroll on it. You don't have time for therapy. I've been watching all of Amazing Race. I don't know. If you watch a new season of Survivor, please tell me.

I will. I've only watched the first ever season of it when I was a child. Oh, wow. Of Survivor? Yeah. Tove and I got deep, and then we stopped. Was yours a pandemic depth? Yeah, but we only did like six, maybe four or five seasons, and then we were watching the new ones, and they weren't as good,

and we just faded off. I don't remember what season we were watching. The person I was dating during the pandemic. But we watched. I'm sure there's like you can find out like you got to watch this season. You know what I mean? I wish it was like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There for sure are reviews of like this is a boring season. You read it. There's more than that. Max Rubin, who directed us, he has a Google email. I'll send it to you of like his ranking of all the seasons and why. And I mean, they're crazy. So it's nice to have another thing to be like, you know, I've, you know. Wordsmeister.

My first little mini one, Paige Asachika, our producer. I was planning shows. I do the silver lining at Sesh Comedy Club. Link in comments. But I was planning next year's shows for January, February, March and we settled on the dates the booker said it was all good

and I sent it to Paige to make the ticket link and she said, did you check with Tova about this one? and I was like, why? and she was like, that's Valentine's Day and I was like, thank God for you Paige thank God for you I was about to schedule a show on Valentine's Day, and that would not have gone over well.

You didn't recognize February 14th. No, I just saw it as a Sunday to do shows, and that would not have been good. But the bigger blessing, because I don't think I got to say it, is I met my mom's boyfriend. Lover. Lover. And he is making your mom.

Oh, fuck. and he is making your mom he is finding her clit and it is not like a are we going to do this? a pipple in a trucker's armpit sure you're right I don't want to talk that deep about my mom why don't you want to call your mom's clit

why don't you want to talk about what it's like to find your mom's clit mom listens too because she listens to all of them. Oh, yeah? So you think it might... Are you experiencing a little bit of discomfort right now, thinking about the intimate details of your mom's sex life?

And do you think maybe it's proportional because you've numbed yourself to some degree of thinking about your mom's sex life? So you can talk about it in a way that we're like, wow, that's brash. John Marco, really, he's open. Except then, when we hit a button that's a little bit deeper, a button, a clit, that's a little bit deeper than what

you're used to, than what you're numbed to, then you're all of a sudden like, eek, ooh, this makes my skin crawl a little bit. And perhaps it is that we are at a more normal level of how much we think about our parents fucking, which is, we try not to. Yeah.

So you don't have to dig that far below the surface to get to the same reaction that you just had. Wow. So I really like my mom's new boyfriend. He's great. No, I met him. He's fun. He's chill.

He jives with the group. And, you know. Yeah. He's got the touch. You know, he's got the right rhythm. Sure, sure. So you make my mom very happy. And all those ways, you know, keep.

All those ways. Does he listen? No, no. But he's very nice. And my blessing is that it is stressful when your parents. You call them daddy. Because you go somewhere and you're like, so now whenever I see my mom, I gotta see

this totally new person. And sometimes you're like, please be like please understand distance or please understand some things I'm just gonna do. And he was very chill, socially aware and a good looking fella. Good looking fella. I mean...

So look, Gianmarco is fine. He's fine with being like, my mom's fucking a hot guy. But the second we start to get. Listen, I'm glad, I'm glad my mom's happy in all the ways.

Because the happier she is, the less she talks about it. She talks about it with me more when it's not good. Sure. You know. When she's, yeah, when she's swinging and missing.

There was, there was a guy, she was like, hey, he can't get it up. And I was like, Jesus Christ. Well, she's what? Probably in her 70s?

60s? Oh, my God. My mom would be more offended by that than anything. She's in her 60s. 60s. Yeah. That's not crazy. 70s.

She didn't say like under. My parents are in their 70s. Sure. What's your blessing? Barb, I just want you to know. What's her name? Barb. I just want you to know. What's her name? Irene. Irene, I hope you're having a wonderful, wonderful time with your new boyfriend.

Wonderful. I wish you the best. Reading and watching sunsets. Wait, is she Jewish? Yeah. Yeah. Did you hear me say Chag Sameach on the mic? Are you Jewish?

Half. Really? Wow. I did Sukk like right before that's why i was late because my i was in the i was in the like suka in uh madison square park and then shaking my did the little shake and shake the etrog and the sukada it makes a palestinian disappear uh it's a joke from no i know okay okay uh what's your blessing what is my blessing um i uh What's your blessing?

What is my blessing? I am dating a person, a new person, and I was staying at his place for a while because he lives in a different city, and I was staying with him for a while, and his bathroom is the most echoey fucking bathroom. It's just a little box of tile. And you can just hear everything. And his apartment is small.

And there's absolutely no way to hide the sound of shitting. Oh, yeah. And so then there were a lot of times where I would wake up and I would be like, I have to shit, but I'm not going. It's just too loud. So then I just wouldn't. And then you fuck up your rhythm. Then your whole GI tract gets all messed up. So now I'm home

and I'm back on a regular shitting schedule. Just let it loose. Which is great. Wait, even if you put the water on? You're ready? No, this is the problem. He lives in london

and in the fucking in europe they split up the toilet room and the sink room they're in two separate rooms there's no water so you can't put the water on and that is so funny well if you're putting the shower on no the shower and the sink sorry there's a room with a shower and a sink a bathroom alone and then there's a toilet uh a shower and a sink. It's just a bathroom alone. And then there's a toilet. Separate rooms. Wow. Totally divorced from each other. Because sometimes you would run the water and you would also,

I remember one time I was in a hotel and I was trying not to be heard. And I tried to dampen it with like towels. Wait, where were the towels? Yo, Russell, explain this. Oh, over. Covered like myself. Not that you sat on to a towel., you mean wedged in between your- Yeah, because it was an echoey bathroom.

Just being like, maybe this will muffle. It didn't. But you know, you- Wait, so you were like, so you're sitting on the toilet, and the little crevices between you and the bowl, you're just- I have a towel over. You know, trying to minimize the bowl farts of that. But what are you going to do?

You have to do it sometimes. I would sing. Little shop, little shop. That's what I tried to do. That's very, I had no idea about London. Yeah, they split them up and it's annoying. And he's going to come over to the US for a couple weeks

and visit and my bathroom is not, bathroom is not silent but you can shit in there and not be not just be forcing the other person in the apartment to be listening to it. So I would say I'm grateful to be back in my own bathroom.

Big messy laptops. I wasn't even Yeah. I can take absolutely ruinous shits in peace yeah oh that's a good question so stressful yeah because they're at it's i mean in a right kind of bathroom it's a nightmare yeah it's like there's no way we're getting any sound in there is going to be so much louder you know and if you? And if you try to dampen it with your body, like if you try to like angle it or only like let out a little bit, you know? Oh, yeah.

Then it's either it doesn't work, it's still loud, or you're just like kind of making yourself constipated for a couple days. Yes, I had that in yoga today where I was like, I was doing a pose, I was trying to like do a silent fart, but I think because whatever pose I was in was like crow. I think it's like what I thought would be a silent fart was not a silent fart, and it was embarrassing. You know me. I can't handle that.

I do not like that. He gets really embarrassed about farts and poops and things. We're on a sketch team, and there's a lady on it, too, and she's farting. You're the most uncomfortable with farting. Never. I'm not far behind. I'm on the lower thing

from other people. Yeah, thank God. You know, yeah. All right, we'd like to do a last little thing for our Patreon members. If you're a member

of the Patreon, patreon.com slash downside. Join to watch my comedy special, The Rats Are In Me. All our live episodes are bonus episodes, which we're now doing

once a month starting October, which is now. And also, your name will get to scroll across below as Russell reads a street joke that I meant to find. Shut the fuck up, Russell.

Okay. I don't know what this is. No, don't do this one. Hold up, Russell, say something funny. No, no, this one's racist. No, no, no, no, no. If it was racist, I'd handle it. I'm not sure.

Read this one. The short one? This one. We have a lot of patrons. Okay. I'm nervous. Okay, Munger's in Kansas City. Oh, that's a name.

Sorry. Munger's in Kansas City, and he needs a job. He goes into a placement center. This sucks. What? This joke sucks. Well, now I need to hear the end. What's the joke?

It's not a good joke. I got it from The Tonight Show. All right, do this one. I bet I wrote it. The old monk goes into the vault to study. The day passes. It's getting late in the evening, and the other monks start to get worried about him.

So one of them goes looking for him, and as he's walking through the catagombs, he hears sobbing. He says, holy father. The sobbing gets louder as he's walking through the catacombs, he hears sobbing. He says, Holy Father! The sobbing gets louder as he gets nearer. Finally, he finds the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original

ancient book in front of him. He says, Father, what's wrong? The monk says, The word is celebrate. Pretty fitting. Pretty fitting. Pretty fitting. Thank you for being a patron. Patreon.com.

Chloe, where can people find you? Are you saying Russell doesn't fuck? Or are you saying our parents don't fuck? What? Celibate. Oh, fitting. I just thought we were talking about sex. Oh, okay.

I wasn't saying that. It's like your friend. No, Russell's... Fucking right now. Nicole said she can always tell when you brush your teeth that she knows Russell's ready to have sex. That's her cue.

I'm a more brush your teeth in the morning normally. He brushes his teeth like once every three weeks. Where can people find you? This is coming out October 17th. Great. You can find me on all social media platforms at Chloe Badcliffe,

like my last name, Chloe Radcliffe, but bad. And I will be running this solo show in New York. I'm waiting to lock down dates, so nothing public right now, I will be running the solo show in New York. I'm waiting to lock down dates, so nothing public right now, but follow my social media outlets and I will be posting about where I will be performing Cheat in New York City and LA ultimately.

Hell yeah. Go check it out. Russell, where can people find you? At Russell J. Daniels on Instagram. Come see Gutenberg the musical on broadway maybe you'll see me maybe you won't um and then i think we have an uncle function show coming up in november but i don't know yeah yeah so i'll try to look it up and tell you next time and for me guys i'm gonna be at zany chicago this weekend hopefully it's sold out but i don't know thursday friday and saturday five

shows check me out there and again just a shout out for the Patreon patreon.com slash downside we were trying a new video setup today

feel free to sound off in the comments how much you love it because I think this is what we're going to upgrade to and make these walls nice and pretty

what did you can I add a plug to mine of course I will be at the Laughing Tap in Milwaukee October 27th and 28th perfect the last weekend in October at the Laughing Tap in Milwaukee, October 27th and 28th.

Perfect. The last weekend in October at the Laughing Tap in Milwaukee. Excellent, excellent. And remember, whether God is a man or God is a woman, the important thing is God does not exist. This is the downside. One, two, three. Downside.

You're listening to The Downside The Downside with Gianmarco Cerezi