The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #165 Blind Patriotism with Maz Jobrani

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

Comedian Maz Jobrani along with guest co-host Joyelle Nicole Johnson joins us to share the downsides of coming up at the Comedy Store in LA, getting asked to wear a certain outfit by a booker, doing a tour featuring Arab-American comedians, growing up in Iran in the 70s, being driven around in a Rolls-Royce as a kid, and how Nightline was born out of the Iran hostage crisis.  You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Maz on Instagram, YouTube, & Twitter See Maz in a city near you! https://www.mazjobrani.com/live/ Follow Joyelle on Instagram and Twitter See Joyelle in a city near you: https://linktr.ee/joyelle Follow The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi on Instagram Get tickets to our live podcast recording in NYC with Ari Hershkowitz on November 13 here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/700527254877 Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Shop at Sephora today. Limitations apply. Must be a beauty insider. See terms at sephora today limitations apply must be a beauty insider see terms at sephora.com for complete details welcome to the downside my name is jimarco serrazi i am here with guest co-host and a favorite past guest joey l nicole johnson welcome hello john marco how you doing boo thank you for being here i love i love oh you can't see your earrings now. Did you take them off for the headphones? I took them off for the headphones, yes. I was wearing my Alabama brawl. Hashtag never forgets.

Because, you know, sometimes violence is the answer. You didn't have those. You got those right after? Did you see it and immediately you made the connection, oh, I've got to get earrings? It was a birthday gift. My birthday just passed and one of my friends knows me very well.

Shout out to Tyrone. Thorn Hill. What ended up happening at the end of that? Did anyone get arrested? Oh, I think the white people on the yacht went to jail.

I think. They got arrested. Yeah, I think they went to jail for like two and a half seconds and bailed themselves out and, you out and they're back on their yacht. But they were inconvenienced. Sure. And that's the only thing you could ask to happen to rich white people.

I saw the recreations of it. It was so funny. Oh, that whole day on Twitter was one of my favorite days on Twitter. I feel like ballet would make a comeback. That's what they need to do. Imagine if the Met Ballet said, we're going to recreate that in a ballet scene. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That would be, fuck the Nutcracker. No one wants to see the fucking Nutcracker anymore. Yeah, I want to see Misty Copeland smash somebody on the head. That's great. With a folding chair. If you're listening to the Met, please take that. Can you just make sure this camera's recording? Is the red light on there?

Ooh, is there a red light? I don't see a red light. I don't see a red light. You don't see a red light? Uh-oh. No way. On top of that screen? Oh, the red light over here? It's a dot.

Sorry I didn't specify where the red light would be, but thank you. You sure enough did it. Like that. Like that one. Like that one. There you go. Yes. There's one like that over there?

It is. All right. Let me introduce our guest. I know. He performs all over, not just the country, truly the world. The world. A true international. I'm going to London in November.

I tell everyone I'm an international comedian. Yes. No, no, no, not at all. I went to Canada last week. I'm international. Maz Jobrani. Yes. Did I say that correctly?

Maz Jobrani. Maz Jobrani. Yeah, yeah. Welcome to The Downside. This is a place where we can complain. We Jobrani. Maz Jobrani. Welcome to The Downside. This is a place where we can complain. We can be negative. We don't have to say what we're thankful for or what's nice or, you know, well, at least

we have our health. Fuck that shit. We're here to talk. Let's talk about it. We've never met. It was very nice of you to do this. Thank you. Nice of you to have me. I appreciate it. Especially you just landed, you said. So for you to come here. know i live in la and so i don't get i haven't gotten to the east coast in a little bit and i'm doing shows in philly so i timed it out so that i could come here do this do a set tonight in town and we're going in town gonna go do the cellar at the cellar

tonight too beautiful then we'll do that and then and i was gonna go to the stand but i guess i got in touch too late. So one is enough, and I'll see a friend. I'll hang out. And it's beautiful. The weather's nice in New York. I love walking around. Every time I come to New York, I get cocky, and I walk everywhere the first day, and then

I'm sore the rest of my stay. Then your knees are vibrating. Yeah, yeah. It is that beautiful fall, and it'll go away so soon. Yeah. I was in Iowa last weekend weekend and it was awful but uh cold yeah impact for it yeah you ever you ever go somewhere you don't you truly don't have a jacket and you're like well how do i go i am a uber i always have a jacket i will bring a jacket

absolutely are you kidding me like if i'm ever cold if i see a black woman i can go i know yeah i know you have a jacket for me? I know you have a jacket. No, I have it on. When you're going on a plane, you have to have a coat because the planes always, you go in there and they're blasting you. That's why quite often, even in the summer, I've got a jacket because of the plane. Absolutely. I got a sweater. I will always bring a jacket and a sweater.

So she's doubling up. All right. Well, lesson learned on my part. Lesson learned. Lesson learned. Lesson learned. Mind you, he's like diamond medallion status. Not diamond. You're diamond, I'm sure.

I'm what they call executive platinum on American Airlines, which used to actually be, I was thinking about this today. So they merged with the U.S. Airways a few years back. But before, executive platinum would get you like, I would say eight out of ten times you'd get upgraded a business class now it's like a little like around four to five out of ten because there's times where i'm like i've flown a lot i go how could these people have more status and either people just have money and are buying business sure or or this whole merger i don't even

know what's happening i just i just sometimes get bunned but i can i can fall asleep anywhere on any plane. I'm ready to go. I do have a conflict sometimes. My girlfriend's traveling with me more often. Who's your girlfriend? Tova Silverman, Joyelle's manager. And I'm a much higher status than her when it comes to Delta and Delta alone.

And sometimes I get bumped up. And she don't? And she does not. No. And you don't? And she does not. No. And you leave her? Okay, so the rule that we've come up with is if I have a show that night, I get it.

Oh, baby needs to sleep. And then otherwise, no. But that's tough. Is she also your manager? No. Oh, okay. I was going to say she's your manager and then she should be like you go in the front.

Yeah. But why don't you guys just rotate? Wow, I didn't know that's the rule of the manager. Well, the manager I was going to say she's your manager. Then she should be like you go in the front. Yeah. But why don't you guys just rotate? Wow. I didn't know that's the rule of the manager. Well, the manager should want you to be fresh. Sure. I would rather you do it because it's your girlfriend. As opposed to the girlfriend who doesn't give a fuck if you're fresh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't fucking deal with it. Tell your jokes. What, you're a little tired? You'll be fine. You'll be fine. Yeah, no, I believe in my man. But he does have gold status now.

And so when we book together I get upgraded too that's nice yeah but you can also always just be like you went last time I go this time you know the worst is when

you give them or one of you takes it and then you know everything's just like now business class depending on where you're going

you land and you go how was it they go oh the food was horrible and the complaining you're like how dare you why are we

why are we even doing this well since you've been international and this is the downside what has the worst And the complaining are like, why are we even doing this? Well, since you've been international and this is the downside, what has the worst? I mean, how bad is America compared to the world or is there places where you're like, you don't even know. We're holding on to the wings. If you're talking about airlines, most international airlines do a better job with their lounges. You guys know how you go to some of these lounges, like, you know, whether it's American or United or something, they've got, like, crackers and soup.

And you're like, this is the lounge? You know, and then you go to some lounge for, I don't know, the Emirates or any airline, you know, international, and they'll be like, oh, you've got – please have a seat. We'll take your order. And you're like, oh, he's going to take my order. Take my order. Ooh, never have I ever, Bob.

Rub some of that on me. Yeah, like Turkish airlines in Turkey and Istanbul, their lounge, like you go and it's got world foods. You know, you can be like, oh, let's get pizza. Let's get Indian. Let's get sushi. It's got everything. It's pretty cool.

So that's the lounges and the airplanes. But if you compare a lot of these countries with America, then America is definitely doing better than a lot of these other countries so you can fly well but once you get there it's yeah it's all economy got it and economy life economy life i guess it depends though again dubai and some of these places are still nice but uh but yeah man it's uh the other thing you do sometimes is when you get into business and you go this is great and then And then you just like, I feel a lot of times when I go international, you know how like they get the pig and they stuff it with apples. And I feel like I'm that by the time, because everything they bring, I'm like, yeah, I'll take the appetizer. I'll take the dessert.

I'll take more wine. By the time I land, I'm like, oh my God, like what did I do? Just because it was there. I'm not drinking at these lounges. I feel like it's like, that's one of my rules. I don't really drink at clubs because I'm like, once I start, I need a hard rule or I'm not drinking at these lounges. I feel like it's like that's one of my rules. I don't really drink at clubs because once I start, I need a hard rule

or I'm going to be drunk all the time. Listen. You're drinking at the lounges? I'm drinking anywhere, especially if it's free. Bring mama some more drink. You didn't offer us no alcohol. What alcohol?

I remember getting fucked up in the first class once the first time ever and it was like 7 a.m. and they're like, do you want anything to drink? And I was like, champagne. And then I'm drinking

and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? It's 7 in the morning. And they're like, do you want anything to drink? And I was like, champagne. And then I'm drinking. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? It's 7 in the morning. They come by with that champagne early, right? But as you were just saying, I was on a plane at about 7 a.m. one time. And I sleep. And the girl next to me, the lady comes by. Do you want anything?

She's like, yeah, let me get a vodka and tomatoes juice or whatever. And I was like, what's this? I go, this girl's got a drinking problem. And then she kept drinking. And at like 7 in the morning, I was like, what's this? I go, this girl's got a drinking problem. And then she kept drinking. And at like 7 in the morning, I was like, oh, God. Yeah. And I felt bad for her. I wanted to have an intervention right there.

Listen, Maz, just because I was sitting next to you on an airplane, you don't got to tell my business like that. I remember my first time getting upgraded to first class, the woman asked, and I had never been like asking me what I want before the plane takes off. Yeah. And I was like, orange juice.

And the guy next to me was like vodka soda. And I was like, that's what we do it? He's like, that's what we do it. I said, all right,

then that's what we do it. And we drank together like perfect degenerates. Party. At like 7.30 a.m. Party. I watched your recent special. Birds and the Bees.

Birds and the Bees. Okay, thank you for watching it. Of course. One more view Bees. Birds and the Bees. Okay, thank you for watching it. Of course. One more view. Nice. But is that, so you did it at the Comedy Store. Yeah.

And is that story about getting into the Comedy Store, is that fully true? What happened? So would you mind recounting it for us? Yeah, yeah. So the reason I did, so we all do, you know, when you call it a special, you want it to be special. So I've done specials in different theaters, different cities. And I was like, well, what's going to be my next special? And I said, well, I started in the comedy store. Let me do it at the comedy store.

And so I tell the story of how I became a regular at the comedy store. Now, back in the day, what you would do is Mitzi Shore, who's the founder of the comedy store, for people who don't know, it's Pauly Shore's mother. For people who don't know, it's Pauly Shore's mother. And in the early... Can you just tell me, like, did you... Was she fun? Was she scary? Was she... I watched the documentary of the Comedy Store, which felt a little...

It was a little fluffy. It was a little fluff piece. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they very... Some people, they glide past it, kind of infer that they hooked up with Mitzi. They went down on Mitzi, and that's how they got the spot. And they do it like this. Like, sometimes you have to go down on Mitzi.

And then next shot, you're like, whoa! Like, are we going to talk about that? So in the 70s, it was a wild time. And what had happened was Pauly Shore's father, Sammy Shore, had actually gone. He was a stand-up comedian. He used to open for Elvis on the road. And he was actually a very funny guy. He had a one-man show that I went and saw that was great.

He would talk about how opening for Elvis, he'd be in Vegas, and the audience would be there to see Elvis and to go, are you ready for Elvis Presley? Yeah. Are you ready for Elvis Presley? Oh, God. And they'd go, but first, Sammy Shore. They'd have to go out.

So his one-man show was called But First Sammy Shore. And it was great. It was a great story. That's brutal. I've never had to open for a musician. To me, that would be more stressful than almost any gig. Well, it depends, because I think from what I understand was, this was an audience that was going to be friendly to him,

versus like, you're not necessarily, I mean, I guess the idea is, if that band or musician chose you, then they've chosen you. So the audience better, you, then they've chosen you. Sure. So the audience better... It's not like a club where they're just throwing you up and you've never done stand-up. You're a pro. You're going up, and you're probably going, I don't know what his opening line was,

but I'm sure he had some line about... I want to know what that line was. You know, like, hey, folks, Elvis is taking a piss, and he told me to come out here and keep you laughing for a little... You know, something like that. You know, oh, this guy, you know, like, hey folks, Elvis is taking a piss and he told me to come out here and keep you laughing for a little. You know, something like that. You know, oh, this guy, you know, like whatever it is.

Sure, sure. You know, something to endear them to be like, I am too a fan of Elvis, you know? Seems like a tough crowd. What would you do?

Okay, someone asks you to go up for, what's the equivalent of Elvis these days? Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift. Okay.

Beyonce. Beyonce. Beyonce. Yes. Beyonce. Beyonce. Beyonce. Yes. Beyonce. You get called. Yes.

Oh, Beyonce's taking a dump. Yes. She needs 10 minutes. Yes. What are you coming out there? How much money? That's all I'm asking. How much money?

Okay. Because that seems like a tough crowd. Gays are mean. Okay. But let's say you're getting, let's say five grand. You got to do 10 minutes. What's your first line? How are you saying to this audience Please

Don't be mad at me, it's not my fault See, my instinct is to say something like Beyonce is lacing up her spanks or something Cause, you know And it's like our instinct to kind of like do a sneak diss But I don't think they would appreciate that But you gotta also remember, wait a minute This isn't Elvis in

And maybe I'm wrong, but I know at least maybe he was opening for him all over but this was now Elvis in Vegas for sure. So once Beyonce goes to Vegas and has that 2,000 seat room where it's not as like an arena. Yeah, it's not as ruckus-y

you know what I'm saying? It's like Adele's doing a residency right now, or you too. It's more touristy. it's not like the most ardent fans it's also some yeah and there's probably an ardent fan but also you go out there

and by the way again I think that it's intimidating but I think once you get that key to that audience you know what I'm saying once you figure it out like I had to follow

I followed one time I followed Martin Lawrence at the comedy store and one time I followed one Lawrence at the Comedy Store. And one time I went up when Pauly Shore had gone up and Eddie Murphy had come into the room. Eddie Murphy still hasn't made a comeback. But Pauly got Eddie to come from the main room to watch him in the original room because he knows him from back in the day.

And then when Pauly's set was done, Pauly thought Eddie was in the back of the original room watching him. But Eddie had already gotten up and left because Eddie knew Paulie was up to something so Paulie in front of this crowd goes he goes hey ladies and gentlemen there's a guy who is a superstar this that the other we haven't seen him on stage in a long time

he's here tonight ladies and gentlemen come on up bring him up Eddie Murphy and the crowd's like what? losing their mind and no Eddie's coming what losing their mind loses their mind and everyone's and then no eddie's coming because eddie's already gone to the other in the main room um and then and then he goes eddie come on up and then someone from the back one of the workers goes eddie's not here he goes where is he goes he went back to the main room

he goes well go get him so then the guy goes and paulie's like talking like this is this guy came up here he performed here back in the day this that you guys are going to see him for the first time in 25 years. He's going up on stage right now. And then the guy comes back, and he goes, Pauly, I talked to Eddie. He goes, what did he say? He said he's not coming. He's not coming.

And he goes, all right, well, then who's next? And he goes, Maz Jobrani. And then he goes, all right, well, he's kind of like the Persian Eddie Murphy. He's like, all right, come on up. And the crowd goes, OK. OK, sure. Rude you under the bus. But with that scenario and

following Martin Lawrence when Martin Lawrence had announced he was going to be in the room and only did a half an hour, both times I went up and I acknowledged. I go, guys, let me be honest. I go, hey, motherfuckers, I wanted to see Eddie too. I don't want to see me. I wanted to see more and more of Martin Lawrence. He was killing it. You think I want to follow Martin Lawrence? I go, you follow Martin Lawrence.

So it starts, you know, I found the key to that audience to switch, because I wasn't up there trying to pretend like, oh, I'm the shit. I was like, I was in the room when I saw what you guys just saw.

Self-deprecate. Self-deprecate, or find the key. I would have the key. Self-deprecate. I did, it was Aziz at the cellar, but he was filming,

and he was filming that special. So when I went up, it was a big to-do of camera people moving out, and my line was, oh, that feels. So when I went up, it was a big to-do of camera people moving out. And my line was, oh, that feels good. I go on stage, they go, turn the cameras off,

everyone get out of here. And that was okay. Yeah, we've all had to follow wild people at the Comedy Cellar and the Comedy Store. A lot of people do the, oh, Seinfeld is opening for me. I've heard that one enough. I'll just move on.

You have to, this is what I learned. The good thing about coming up at the Comedy Store was, and I'll tell you the story in a second about what you did. But the good thing about coming up at the Comedy Store was we had to, like, first of all, she would put us, once she became a regular, she would put you up midnight and behind, you know, Andrew Dice Clay, Paul Mooney, Eddie Griffin, whoever it is. These guys going hard. And sometimes you'd get bumped, bumped, bumped until like 130 yeah and you learn i learned quickly you have to acknowledge what just happened before and the one time i always remember joe diaz went on stage and joe diaz was really good at just you know one night it was hot and he's blowing up this

room just left and right just boom boom boom 15 minutes it's just hard hard laughter when he was blowing up this room, just left and right, just boom, boom, boom, 15 minutes of just hard, hard laughter. When he was done, people just got up and started scattering and going to pee and smoke and whatever. And I went on stage, and I think I didn't acknowledge what had just happened. I tried to get into my act, and it was about like 10 minutes of just nobody paying attention and then five minutes of maybe getting them and thank you, good night. So I realized now when I watch, I'm just sitting there going like,

what's the key, what's the key? So recently I was at the Laugh Factory and Trevor Wallace was up and I brought my mom. And my mom has a friend who is one of the queens of Malaysia. So she happened to be there that night. My mom doesn't come to a lot of my shows, but she's like, the queen of Malaysia is here. We're coming to your show. And Trevor Wallace was on stage. He's 25 years old or so.

He's got a bit about going down on a girl and having a vibrator next to it and being intimidated by the vibrator it's a funny bit but I'm sitting there watching it I'm like oh my god and the crowd's loving it yeah and I'm like oh my god my mom's here with the queen and I'm kind of looking over and my mom's laughing and I'm like is she understanding this because my mom's Iranian yeah I'm like I don't know if she's getting it and the queen's kind of got a smile but she's not. I'm like, I don't know if she's getting it. And the queen's kind of got a smile, but she's not, I don't know if she's,

I don't know if they're getting it or not. Or is that wishful thinking? Maybe they're like, moms, we have vibrators too. That's exactly, so. Yeah,

also, I just want to say, I was like, is it Trevor Noah or George Wallace? I didn't know. Trevor Wallace. Trevor Wallace. Trevor Wallace.

I haven't met him yet. Trevor Wallace is like a YouTube guy. Sorry, there's a hair here. Thank you, darling. Yeah. YouTube star. He became like, I haven't met him yet he's like a YouTube guy sorry there's a hair here thank you darling yeah YouTube star he became he's got millions of followers

a young guy anyway so more money than all of us for sure and so I sat there and I was like okay what's the key to this because again

I wanted to get into my act but I also have to take them from this frame of mind and it's the laugh factor probably a lot of young people got to think from the frame of mind of sexual material to my life and I want to do well

in front of my mom and my and and and this Queen and and I did exactly like I went up on stage I said give it up for Trevor Wallace I said but I gotta admit I got my mom's here tonight and I go and he was doing the joke about going down and the vibrate right I was like I was like oh my god and I look over my mom i said my mom's laughing i was like mom what the hell so that earned yeah the the you know the not the respect but it earned like it put me in the room you know what i'm saying yeah and then i was able to go from there sure right um so going back to what you guys were saying about who you're gonna opening up for a superstar i think you gotta call it like it is you can't pretend like you're too

cool for school. Like, hey, what's up? You guys are so lucky I'm here tonight. Yeah, Beyonce's in the back. She'll be here soon. Just shut up. I mean, unless that's your act.

You know what I'm saying? Sure, sure. I wish I was Beyonce too. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I like that. Yes, I like that. Okay, come on, master class.

Master class. And also, I think there's also, like, obviously there's a lot of cheerleading you get. You know, you guys want to see me. Yeah, come on, you know, she's coming out. Oh my God. You know, whatever that is. But anyway, I think there's also, obviously, there's a lot of cheerleading. You guys want to see me? Yeah, come on. She's coming out. Whatever that is. But anyway, by the way, if you

get tapped by one of these people, this probably means you're good enough to be tapped by one of those people. Yeah. I'm a great opener. I actually love opening. I know I'm transitioning into a headliner, which just seems like too much heavy lifting for me.

I love opening, especially for people who have a set audience. It's much more pressure. I'll headline, I'd rather do 90 minutes than open for five. I mean, it's a different. I'd rather open for 20. Opening for 20 in a theater? Oof. It all depends who the audience is.

Absolutely. You know what I'm saying? Because there's also the whole thing of, I'm not afraid of you, motherfucker. I ain't scared of you, motherfucker. That's the whole Bernie Mac thing, right? also the whole thing of, I'm not afraid of you, motherfucker. I ain't scared of you, motherfucker. That's the whole Bernie Mac thing, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where he went up, he's like, I'm not scared of you. So they, you know.

But it's either way, I think, either one can be intimidating. I mean, 25 years into this, there's times sometimes when I'm sitting and I'm like, oh my God, how am I going to follow this? How am I going to get into this? And sometimes you're sitting and you're looking at the audience and you're like, God, these people are a lot younger than me. They're not going to care about my shit you're in your head you know i'm saying so i can't imagine like you said if i'm looking out i'm sammy

shore and i'm like oh my god these people are dressed as elvis they want me they're gonna say first sammy shore yeah you're saying so so so you you auditioned so so the way so mitzi back in the day it was wild so sammy got the club he ends ends up going back on tour. Mitzi eventually divorces Sammy, keeps the club, becomes like the queen mother of the club. And so back then, all these comedians,

she'd be dating some of them. There'd be like, you know, drugs, there's sex, there's all kinds of stuff. Was she young? Was she like older and she was like... No, she was like,

she wasn't as, like some of them were really, you got like your Jim Carrey's coming through and he's, I don't know, 20 or something. You think her and Jim Carrey? I don't know about Jim Carrey, but I think I'd heard things like... Again, I don't know.

I don't know if she got with Richard Pryor. There was a guy named Argus Hamilton, for sure Argus Hamilton, who still performs, who's I think late 70s. He still comes in a suit. Does he have to hook up with the Kern Booker? He hooks up with the Kern Booker. He hooks up with

whoever he follows. No, Argus was... Argus is a comedy store legend, because back in the 70s, he was one of these guys who would guest host for Johnny Carson and all, but he also had a big drug problem, and he was dating Mitzi.

There was a lot going on with Argus. And then he gets clean, and now he shows up in a suit, and he's got all political, all, like, of the day jokes, and it's joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, he opens the shows, and people love it, and he kills, and it's just, it's inspiring. Man, drug problems really took some of the spice out of the comedy world. I don't know what it's like in L.A., where there's still cocaine, but I feel like drugs are not... Where there's still cocaine? Well, like drugs are not Where there's still cocaine

There's no cocaine in New York No there's cocaine But like I don't know It's definitely not like I have no like Oh yeah this guy Is always at this place Drugged up

Maybe a little drunk At the most Yeah But we lost that Drunk and high That sounds like it was exciting Well no I think That was probably more 70s

There's been a couple times Where I've been in the hallways Of the comedy store With a bunch of comics All holding bottles of water going, Sam Kinison's rolling over in his grave right now

going, you guys are doing what? Right. Meanwhile, you're hydrating? Yeah, he brought a gun to the club and shot a hole in the wall

and Dice will tell him. During the set? No, I don't know what he was doing. He's drunk. He's fucked up. I don't know what happened. There's a place.

That's where Kinison shot the thing. You own a gun. You could do this. You own a gun? Dice had a story. Dice was a good storyteller. That's where Kinison shot the thing. You own a gun. You could do this. You own a gun. Dice had a story. Dice was a good storyteller. He's like,

one time I gave this guy the cave punch. I go, what? He's like, yeah, the guy was talking shit and I said da-da-da-da-da and then he comes up around the side

of the main room and he's coming up around the side and I see him coming and I go, boom, and my fist goes into his chest. You know,

like he knocks some guy out so it's just like from the stage I mean no the guy came up around like he was because there's a

oh in the OR the entrance in the main room is in the back you know I'm just saying like they used to be a lot wilder than they are yeah

no very I'm just saying yeah yes so the way you become a regular so then what happens is Mitzi the way you become a regular you used to have to perform three minutes,

six minutes, ten minutes in front of her, and you would do three, they'd say come back a few weeks later, six, come back a few weeks later, ten, and it was during the open mic night, so it was all shitty comics and shitty crowd until you got to showcase. It was not set up for the best thing,

and once in a while you'd be, you've struggled to get your showcase, and some regular, someone who's a regular at the club will come sit next to her and talk during your whole set. You're like, motherfucker, what are you doing, man? So I went up. I did my three. I think it was 99 or 2000. I'm so bummed.

I don't know the exact date. I've been looking for it. But I did three, then six, then 10. I came back and did all. And then after the 10, this is what happened. So back then, I was talking a lot about my Iranian background. And I still talk about it, but not as much. I mean, it's still part of it, but not the thing.

But back then it was the thing. I was new to comedy. And then I finish it and I'm thinking to myself, Eddie Murphy was my comedy hero. He'd been at the comedy store. I wanted to be there. I was like, this is the beginning of my future, my career. And so from the original room, when you come off, it's about 60 feet to the exit sign where

there's the stairs. You go down. Mitzi's sitting in a chair right next to the exit. You've got to pass by her. And the whole time I'm thinking, so you want her to grab your arm. If she grabs your arm, that means you're going to become a regular. It means you're going to go fuck her. You're going to go fuck her.

Exactly. You have to go down. You're going down on her. If she lets you walk by. If she grabs your head, you are. Yeah, yeah. Forget it. You're going to go fuck her. You're going to go fuck her. Exactly. You have to go down. You're going down on her. If she lets you walk by. If she grabs your head, you are. Yeah, yeah. Forget it.

You're going down on every employee. Grab the crotch. If she lets you walk by, you're screwed. Like, don't come back. Like, go work for two more years and come back. We have our own version of.

S-T-E-A-A-S. You walk up the stairs if she says sit over here. Exactly. Exactly. Oh, it's terrible. Oh, yeah. And I've seen it happen to other people not get it.

I've seen it too. I got to sit down. It's all very mafia. You know what I'm saying? Because in your mind, by the way, it's early in your career. Yes, once in a while comedians come from another city and they're already established or they're touring and they don't really need it. Right. I'll take it, but I don't need it.

But when you're living in that city and you're young, you're like need this this is part of my step towards i'll go down yeah i'll go down what is it excuse me yeah i will suck your dick even if you don't have a dick i'll suck it so anyway um she goes she grabs my arm and i've done now 10 minutes about being iranian and america and all that you killed and I had a good set, right? I had a good set. And so she goes, you're very funny. That's how she used to talk. You're very funny.

I go, thank you, Mitzi. She goes, I'm going to make you a regular. I go, thank you, Mitzi. And she goes, have you thought about wearing the outfit? I go, what outfit? She goes, you know, the hat and the gown. I go, hat and gown? She goes, you know, the hat and the gown.

So she's making a little spinning thing. That's a turban. The spinning thing means turban. I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah, sure. Oh, my God, how old are you at this point? I'm in my mid-20s. I'm just starting.

I don't know what I'm doing. And I'm not about to sit there and have a debate with her. Yeah. And this is, by the way, late 90s, early 2000s when this shit is still, like, okay. Okay, yeah. Did you have any, like, were you like, oh, I don't do, I'm not going to ever do that. Like, did you have opinions or were you like, whatever?

No, no, I had the opinion, but I thought like right now in this moment where there's a club and there's another comic going up and this club owner who I'm intimidated by is giving me the thing I need and is asking me to wear this thing, I'm just going to say yes.

And by the way, she was getting old at that point and in my mind i was like she'll forget by the time monday rolls around this on a sunday but i think if i went up and esty was like do the little the curly the side exactly do more do more jewish imagine yeah oh yeah that's why i was like i go okay and then i and then i go to the back back hall and i'm like what did i just agree to do and i was like okay she's she's gotten older she'll forget by monday and then that's when the comedy the booker called me she goes hey maz congratulations i heard uh you got passed i go yes i did she goes and mitzi said you're gonna wear the outfit i was like oh and she didn't even

know like what what is the outfit what is that outfit is like a dish dasha like what's how you say dasha dasha isasha is like the white gown. And then a turban. Like she wanted me, because this is the thing, Mitzi had these ideas. Supposedly, she helped Roseanne

create her character by going clothes shopping for her and saying, you're this Midwestern girl, you need to dress the part. Originally, Roseanne wore a Dish Dasha. She wore the turban.

She was the original. I've heard Mark Maron tell the story that she told him that you're the thinking comic, so you should have a scarf, like you're the poet. Supposedly, I did a scarf early on. I had six months of a scarf. It was awful. I believe you.

It was awful. Bonjour. Bonjour. You have a cigarette. Yeah, very French. A little beret. Supposedly, she had this idea for others. But later on, I come to find out there was a guy who used to do this thing where he would do his act.

And then towards the end of his act, he would get into a banana suit. So she saw him one time. And she's like, you should be the banana the whole time. You should be Jackie Bananas. That's his name. And then I was like, whatever. Jackie Bananas. They're like, he disappeared.

I go, all right. So they're not all hits. They're not, he disappeared. I go, all right. So she does, they're not all hits. They're not all great ideas. And then one day he's hosting a Bananas in New Jersey and going like, okay,

I think it's time to take this off. It's time to take it off. So did you ever do it? No, I didn't. So what happened was, did you ever think? No, no, no.

Right away I was like, I got to get out of this because if nothing else, I was like, I'm going to be the laughing stock of all the other comics. And by the way, I was like, I don't want to do it.

So at the time, I was doing a sketch comedy show. I was at some group out there. And I was a big fan of Eddie Murphy's. Eddie Murphy had done Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood, which was a play off Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. And I had thought about a sketch back then. This is

right around the time. This was before September 11th. but the whole terrorism thing was happening. What was the point of reference for terrorism before 9-11? People knew Bin Laden. They knew Saddam.

There was enough of that. What happened was, I think when the Soviet Union fell, Islamic fundamentalism and like terrorism and stuff became public enemy number one. So it came into the limelight. Like I remember actually being in college back then, they were like, who's

going to be the next villain? Who's going to be the next boogeyman? Muslims. And so some of the jokes that I would do played off of like making fun of that. So I thought, so I wanted to do a sketch. It was in my mind. I didn't write it, but I wanted to do a sketch it was in my mind i didn't write it but i was i wanted to do like mr raheem's neighborhood where it's this guy and he's arab or whatever this that the other and he's like you know mr rogers mr robinson mr raheem so i said

to them i said i said to cory i go cory what if i do my act and then towards the end of the act i got a character and i bring out the character she goes that's pretty good and then and then i was like all right let me keep thinking about it then i I was like, all right, what if I do, like, Rudolph Valentino used to play this character named The Sheik. And The Sheik was like, he was a leading man, and he was like a lover, you know. So I go, what if I do, because I go, one of my problems is I go, I don't want to play like the bad guy.

I don't want to feed that stereotype. But what if I play the good Arabian lover? The girl Corey, who was the booker at the time, loved movies from that era. She was like, I love it. I'm going to tell Mitzi you're going to be the lover. It's such a different time

in stand-up comedy. It's like wrestling characters. Telling you what to do on stage and what to wear is wild. I don't think that all the comics were getting that. A lot of club owners do stuff like that where they'll be like telling you what to do on stage and what to wear as well by the way I don't think I don't think that all the comics were getting although a lot of a lot of club owners do stuff like that

where they'll be like you need to do more of this like they give that advice you know what I feel like Mitzi would have told me she would have been like you're gay you

lean into it you're not gay like that's what she would say I know it yeah you're gay Estee loves that I dress up I'll tell you that

she encourages it. She hates the way comics dress these days. The one place I've never worn shorts. Still in the comedy cellar. Do not wear shorts at the comedy cellar. That's what I'm saying. The club owners all have ideas and they think they're

giving good advice, but ultimately it's about comedy is finding your voice. Comedy is therapy. You've got to find that. I knew in my heart that I didn't want to do this, but ultimately it's about, you know, comedy is finding your voice, right? Comedy is therapy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you've got to find that. And so I knew in my heart that I didn't want to do this, but I kept negotiating things where they'd be like, that's it, great, do that. And then I'd be like, I still don't want to do it. So then I had to come up with a way,

and the two excuses I used, one was my father was living in Iran at the time, and so I said, listen, if word gets back that there's this comedian in the U.S. making fun of the mullahs, by the way, the turbans that she's talking about, like the shtasha, the Arab turban is different than the mullah turban, is different than the, everyone's got different turbans. But I go, if word gets back that I'm making fun of them somehow, it could put my father in danger.

And I said, more importantly, another one that I found was even better was there was this guy. So just like you have like Telemundo and all the like Spanish channels, you have like a handful of Iranian networks. Yeah. And they all are always just talking shit about the government of Iran because it's a dictatorship and it's a religious dictatorship. So they make fun of them. So they're all American funded or like? No, it's mostly, usually it's either either some Iranian person came here and set this up. It's not like they're not that advanced.

When you go to do an interview with their network, it's usually one guy is running everything, and then the guy who's the host is barely putting on his tie, and he's like, all right, let's do... It's very much, it's very ripe for like a TV show or a movie around it

of some guy who's basically, it's like one step above cable access. Sure, sure. You know? It's critical of the government.

Critical of the government. Yeah. But now the truth is like, this was 20 something years ago. Now there are a couple of networks that are really well run and they, the funding is either coming from opposition groups

or Saudi Arabia has some funding, which was an enemy of Iran. So it's all very complicated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in that case, there was a guy who used to dress as the mullahs and make fun of them. And his whole thing was his audience are Iranians in the diaspora, so he's making fun of the Mullahs. People are laughing, et cetera.

So he goes to some political rally in Los Angeles, and I guess some supporters of the Mullahs showed up, and they threw rocks, and one of them hit him in the eye and blinded him in one eye. Oh, my God. Yeah. So you told that story. That's what I called with.

So I called. I go, listen. I go, listen, Corey, I can do this, but I just want you to know there's a guy who was doing something similar. They showed up. They threw a rock. They blinded him. So I could do it., listen. I go, listen, Corey, I can do this. But I just want you to know there's a guy who was doing something similar. They showed up. They threw a rock. They blinded. So I could do it.

They could come attack me. They could attack the club. Oh, they could attack you. Yeah, exactly. And so she was like, let me call you back. She called Mitzi. And then she calls him back. She goes, Mitzi said just wear something comfortable.

You'll be fine. Oh, my God. And the funny thing is because she was old, I thought she'd totally forgotten about it until like a year or so later. The other thing Mitzi used to do was she used to put like theme nights together. The women of the comic store. Black night. Latino night.

So she wanted to do Arabian nights with all like Middle Eastern Muslim comics. This was in 2000 when there was an uprising with the Palestinians, Israelis. And she was Jewish. She was watching CNN. And in her mind. Because it used to be contentious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. she was Jewish. She was watching CNN, and in her mind... Because it used to be contentious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In her mind...

That was in the past. In her mind, she thought that, like, I need to do a show with Muslim comedians to just show, like, peace and the other side. So she put us together, and she called it the Arabian Nights, and she put us up, and, you know, she was giving us a lot of love.

And then one time we were sitting with her at the La jolla comedy store and she was just going down the line talking to each of the comics and then she gets to me and she's like you know she's like telling one of them like you're doing great you're fantastic and you you were supposed to wear the outfit and i was like oh my god you still remember yeah you got away i go yeah i go thank god she you look back on it on those kinds of because Joelle and I actually just did the ethnic show at JFL. Yes. Which I guess we were, I've been told, at first it's called Just for the Culture, but they keep the ethnic show as a subtitle.

It's the dumbest thing in the world. Formerly the ethnic show. I was the host of it many years when it was the ethnic show. Yeah. Yes. the ethnic show. I was the host of it many years when it was the ethnic show.

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. But then someone told me that before that there was like the black show, the Italian show, the Jew show.

They might have. So what happened was years ago they started doing this ethnic show and they would bring us, it took me a while to realize,

it was so, you know, quite often I was hosting, you'd have Godfrey on there, you'd have Alonzo, Sebastian Menescal. Alonzo was our host. Yeah, Modi. I mean, we had everyone, different kind.

I don't know if Kira Soltanovich was there, Melissa Villasenor. I did many years. It took me a while to realize they would bring us in the first week, and then they would bring the nasty show in the second week. And we'd do about two weeks. And then right when everybody arrived, we'd leave. Yes. And i was like well i'm not part of a festival i'm just helping you know i'm just performing like we're i'm not getting a chance to schmooze with anybody and so it took a while for me to go if you guys gonna bring me out then keep me for some of these galas so you you walked so we could run thank you thank you because

they kept us they they did our show simultaneously, us with the Nasty Show, and then they kept us when everyone got there. I made a point for them to understand. And then, by the way, I'll be honest with you, then I ended up doing Howie Mandel's gala, and the crowd sucked. And I was like, what the hell's wrong with these people? I'll just stick with my ethics show. When you look back at Mitzi, and do you see her as like she because obviously these are like racist idea

like the concept of like do the full character yeah yeah yeah but at the same time was she giving like opportunities in a way that others weren't before like do you see her as absolutely no yeah listen we cut listen listen listen first of all it's it's easy to go back and be like oh you did this 30 years ago. You go, well, back then, this is kind of what was accepted. Now, was it right? Right. In the mirror we have now?

No, it wasn't. But that's what was happening. So Mitzi, I think, I love her for that. I think, like, because the truth is the industry didn't know what to do with us. And they, like, even now, like, once in a while, you know, now you get, like, you get Aziz, you get Mo, Amr, you get, you know,iz, you get Moe, Amr, you get Hasan Minhaj, you get a handful of Mindy Kaling. Some people come through a little bit, but they still don't

know. And there's been times where I try to drive home the point of if you come to a show, when I perform at the Comedy Store, Comedy Cellar, wherever, the audience is mixed, and the comedians are mixed. And hopefully, if you're getting laughs, you're getting laughs in front of everybody. Sure.

And so to go in front of executives who go, well, I don't know if people want to see a story about an Iranian guy married to an Indian woman. That's my wife's, you know, of Indian descent. I don't know if people want to see that. I go, well, motherfucker, try it. Try it. As long as we get a diverse writing team and we realize that we all, when I, like, I used to, early on, I used to do, like, oh, my Iranian parents this, Iranian parents that. Then I go, wait a minute,

immigrant parents this, immigrant parents that. Then I realized a lot of parents do this, you know what I'm saying? And so I think Mitzi, in a way, was definitely at the forefront of giving us an opportunity. Because even though there was that thing of like, oh, you're the Arabian Nights, well, thank you for finding a way to put something to it that then made us go, okay, now let's go get our audiences out. We were doing comedy before September 11th, but when September 11th happened, we got so much press,

because everyone was like, who are these Middle Eastern or Muslim comics talking about this? How soon after did the press start? Right away. They were curious. They were like, what are you know? How soon after did the press start? Right away. They were curious. They were like, what are you doing? We got calls from the New York Times.

We got calls from Time Magazine. We went from Hustler Magazine all the way to Time Magazine, all the way to, like, you name it. Was it with the Good Times? Not, not. I understand. A tragedy aside. Was it, was it, did it feel like, did you look back and you're like, if we look at your

career, was it like 9-11? Boo! It's funny you say that because I remember I was at some radio show and somebody said, they go, wow, 9-11 was good for your career, huh? And I was like, you know what? I don't like you saying that. I go, would you say that slavery was good for a black comedian's career? Right.

Would you say the Holocaust was good? That's not cool to say that because we were doing it before and the attention that came with it was definitely for the press it was good but again

I think the industry still didn't know what to do with it like the industry I'll tell you what happened with the industry so we come out

we're just doing stand up and stand up I think we would agree stand up is one of the lower respected art forms of all the art forms because you could be we all know

there's people killing it in some club but nobody knows who the hell they are because no they're not coming out to discover this person yeah so listen that's why i'm here to let you know john marco it ain't never gonna happen uh but no but but we so so in i don't know what it was 2002 or three or something there's an there's an iranian um Iranian British comedian named Omid Jalili. He's a very funny friend of mine. And he was at Just for Laughs. And he did very well. He was doing material there

about being of that background. Did very well. And NBC gave him a deal. And this is how... I mean, it's almost cliche. This is how the industry works. So when NBC gave him a deal, the other- The show was called The Outfit.

The Outfit. The other networks then wanted to find their Middle Easterner. So then we get a call from Fox going, they want to have a meeting. They want to talk to you. Do you have any show ideas? I was like, I don't- The show starts at 9, 11 p.m. 9, 11 p.m.

Exactly. See? You should have been the marketer for that thing. Do not love a female. Exactly. See, you should have been the marketer for that thing. That's so weird for it to be like that, but to work in your favor at the same time. Well, I worked in my favor, but at the same time, they didn't know what to do with it. So it's like I went and I sat down.

I go, look, the truth is, at the time, I was dating my then girlfriend, now wife, who's of Indian descent. I was living with my mother and my grandfather. So I explained to them my situation. I go, it's kind of like multi-generational house. Got my girlfriend as a lawyer. She's a high-powered attorney. I'm this guy working in an ad agency or whatever, like a day job.

So somebody could sit there and go like, oh, I could build a show around this, right? Sounds like a show to me. Sounds like a show to me. Sure, why not? But they didn't know what to do. And I think a lot of it was like, oh, I could build a show around this, right? Sounds like a show to me. Sounds like a show to me. Sure, why not? But they didn't know what to do. And I think a lot of it was like, well, you know, at that point, they didn't want that diversity.

Yeah, they were like, how are we going to get a room full of 10 white guys to write this? Exactly. And also, okay, so what if your wife's white and your parents are white too? They adopted you. Yeah. They adopted you. Yeah. They adopted you. And part, so that's what I'm saying is like,

so these clubs gave us the chance to develop and talk about what's on our minds and the audiences that came out. So the bigger thing than the press

that came with it was that there was an audience waiting for us. It was like waiting for Godot. It was like, they were waiting for us. So when we first came out, our stars rose really fast

because there was Arabs and Muslims and liberal Americans and others who wanted to hear our stories. So we'd go to these cities and like a thousand people would do theaters before we were even had a chance to go through the clubs. So it was interesting because people wanted to hear

what we had to say and it was cool to have that experience. But then again, it never translated in the industry to like, oh, well say and it was cool to have that experience but then again, it never translated in the industry to like, oh, well now let's do a show around that. Was that the Axis of Evil tour?

Axis of Evil, yeah. That was the Axis of Evil comedy tour. I remember that. Yeah, that's when I first started comedy. I started in LA. There you go.

And I used to be like a little puppy watching you guys at the comedy store hoping to get passed. Yeah, never got passed. Moved before I did but you guys really inspired me store, hoping to get passed. Yeah. Never got passed. Moved before I did. But you guys, like, really inspired me then.

Well, thank you. Yeah. You couldn't make Mitzi come? What happened exactly? I'm sorry. I like penises. It's my plate. I'd love to talk about, you were born in Iran.

Yes. And you left at seven. Six. Six. Yeah. Do you remember a lot growing up there all i remember so iran before the islamic revolution of 79 was pretty western in ways or modern i should say um the shah of iran had been modernizing it and um and we had a lot of western influence was it was it, because I certainly,

I feel like I've been reading more about the protest recently, and they show pictures from before that, like were women voting? Forgive my ignorance on it. Yeah, I was actually going to ask that. I was like, am I ignorant to ask? Listen, I don't know about the rights of women to vote and all that. I do know that back in the day,

they didn't have to cover themselves. If you chose to, you could, but there was a lot of women walking around in mini skirts and there was discos and men and women together and drinking and all that. It was not Islamic. It was very much a much more

open society. Now, the Shah had his own secret police that if you criticized him, you would disappear. There was problems, but it was not at all what it ended up becoming because what happened was this Islamic government that took over basically promised, because part of, it's all so complicated, right? So the Shah is getting richer and richer because he is, you know,

selling oil to the West and buying weapons from the West, and Iran's becoming stronger and stronger. And a Shah is president equivalent? He's the king. No, he's the king. And so that's why, so there was people that didn't like the Shah and the thing was like, there was so that you have the religious group that doesn't, you know,

the Muslim, you know, Khomeini and his folks that don't like the Shah because they go, you know, you're too open and we want a more devout society. And you've got like the intellectuals who are saying, well, we can't criticize or say anything without disappearing, right? Right.

Then you've got other different factions that are against the Shah. And eventually what happens is all these factions come together and they protest and then the Shah leaves in 79. And there's actually a great documentary that came out last year when these protests were happening in Iran. It was called Hostages, and it was all about what happened in Iran when the religious, when the Muslims took over, the Khomeini's people took over. They ended up, they took power, and quickly, like, women then had to all cover themselves up. Then, like, you know, LGBTQ was being discriminated against. How quick did it move?

It's so wild to think of, I mean, obviously we've seen in America a conservative bend, like, backwards severely. But, like, it seems to go from, you see the pictures of women in the miniskirts and you're like, how fast? It's crazy how fast they go. Because what happens is, listen, it's all about what they promise. And this is what, like, in my eyes, I can see so clearly the MAGA movement, the parallels with that movement and what happened there. Because what they do is they promise you a better life. So Khomeini goes, listen, once we get rid of the Shah, there won't be a disparity of wealth. Because under the Shah, if you were successful with the of wealth, because under the Shah, if you were

successful with the Shah, you were in the government, you were going to do well. If you weren't, you were poor. So Khomeini goes, everyone's going to be fed, and it's going to be a much better, it's going to be a utopia. Which is what, you know, the thing I keep saying about MAGA is they're

very good at complaining. Right? The border. Sure. And then our children. Abortion. Abortion. But then you go, well, what's your solution? They don't really have solutions.

And their solutions tend to be autocratic solutions. Well, only I can fix it. That's what Donald Trump said, right? So Khomeini becomes a charismatic leader. He's the guy who whatever he says goes. And was he ultimately elected or the Shah left? He just took over.

The Shah left. When you say he left, did they kick him out? He just gracefully left? So the protest, so what happened was there was protests and what would happen is

there'd be a protest and in the past, the Shah had the military that would show up and they would shut down the protest. But in this case, the military would go and they would shoot into the crowds and some people would die.

Sure. And then the next protest would get bigger because now people are going, oh, wow, you're killing your own people. So now you're getting professionals joining the protest. So lawyers and doctors are coming. Now the bazaar, the people who own the bazaar, the bazaaris as they call them, they're closing it down. They're showing up.

They're closing down the bazaars. So all the businesses start shutting down, and the protests get bigger and bigger, and every time they shoot into the crowds or somebody dies, more people join. And so eventually there's this charismatic leader, Khomeini, who's a religious leader who really doesn't know anything about politics, but in, I guess in the Koran it says that's the only book you need

for politics, for, like Khome the Quran, it says that's the only book you need for politics, for, like Khomeini even supposedly famously said that because there was a brain drain, doctors, lawyers, everybody leaves. And Khomeini famously was like, we don't need doctors. We'll train doctors in a few months. We'll be good to go. So the whole country just goes down. I mean, the economy goes down.

Everything goes down. But what happened was this charismatic leader that is there now, and it's kind of like the Catholic Church, because Iran is Shiite Muslim. Shiite Muslim is very much a hierarchical system, and they go, okay, this guy, the Khomeini, the imam, has a direct tie with God, and it's kind of like God told me that, you know, he basically is the word of God. So if you're religious, you're going to be like, whatever he says goes. And then when the military now

is under his influence and he's obviously got other people that probably are running the government and the sort, but he gives these sermons, thousands of people show up and he'll... But quickly he goes from what was supposed to be a utopia to, hey, why don't we execute all of the previous generals and everybody else? Yeah.

And it becomes brutal. They start executing people. Hey. Hey. Yeah. I have an idea. And then your parents were like, we got to get out of here. Well, my dad already – we left late 78.

My dad had been successful. He had been a businessman, been successful under the Shah. So he told my mom. He was on business – Was he at the protest or was he like, I don't like the Shah? No, no, no. My dad liked the Shah and my dad was a success. He had an electric company.

He'd been doing very well. The character that I always reference my dad to is Vito Corleone in The Godfather. He was a guy you'd go to. He would get shit done for you. You don't even know Vito? You seen him? Get out of here. Some people say, you never know. You never know.

I dare you to disrespect me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm 42 years old. She is smart. Come to me. But 20-year-olds have no idea. Yes. But he...

So yeah, he had come on business to New York, and he actually called my mom. My mom told me this recently. She goes, you know, she goes, your dad called me and said, I'm not coming back, because if I come back, my life could be in danger. And he said, get the kids and come. And my mom was like, come on, it can't be that serious. She's like, no, get the kids and come. So my mom actually brought me and my older sister.

And we were only going to come for two weeks, thinking that the protests would quiet down. We'd go back. So we left my baby brother back in Iran. Oh. Yeah. With who? Yeah. You know, nannies and grandmas and aunts.

And it was a big, you know, there was a big network of family. Were you a rich kid, Maz? Huh? Yeah, a rich kid. Yeah, yeah, I was a rich kid. Oh, shit! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I didn't know that. No, well, we, listen, I grew up in Marin County, Northern, so we came with a lot, my dad, back in the day, I talk about this sometimes in my stand-up, like, we go to Marin County where there's a lot of wealth,

but it's subtle. So the guy's like the CEO of Wells Fargo, but he's got a sob. You know what I'm saying? I go, even the car sounds sad. It's a sob. But I go, my dad, he can't help himself. He comes to Marin County. He buys a Rolls Royce.

Of course. During the hostage crisis. I'm going, you're going to. And he puts me in the back of the Rolls. He drives me to school. I used to have him like, I was like, drop me off a few blocks away. I don't want to be seen in your fucking Rolls Royce because I'm already getting bullied. Or kids think I'm like, I own oil wells.

Yes. I'm ducking. I see these girls that are cute girls that I like. And I see them and I'm like, oh, shit, I duck underneath. Some people might have been like, oh, let me wave and be like, hello, I'm Rich Kid. I knew back then, I go, this is not a good look at all. You and Victoria Beckham have something in common.

Oh, is that what Victoria? Yes, did you see that clip? Yeah, yeah. She tries to paint herself as growing up like working class. And David Beckham's like, tell the truth. And she's like, what? He's like, what car did your father drive you

to school in? And she's like, Rolls Royce. He's like, thank you, and then slams the door. I had no idea. That's so funny. Fantastic clip. So we are. But my father eventually lost all of his money in bad real estate investments.

So he ended up, by the time he passed away, he'd lost all of his money. Really? Yeah, yeah. Now, and you were, so okay, so you moved for two weeks. Do you remember the protests when you were a kid? All I remember as a kid was, so going back to Iran in the 70s, it was actually interesting.

So we had so much Western influence. I had all these comic books, Spider-Man, Superman, all that stuff. And I remember I had a cousin. We'd look at the comic books and we'd try to reenact all the bubbles. I went and saw, the first movie I remember seeing was Rocky.

It had come to America. It had come to Iran. And the side note, 45 years later, just like last year i'm at the laugh factory and one of the comics happens to be dating sylvester stallone's daughter so i walk in this guy mark hayes is an irish guy walk in he goes hey sly is here tonight and i go what he goes yes sly i go sylvester stallone why is he he goes i'm dating his daughter. I go, great. So I go on stage, and I do my set, and it goes well. And he's sitting in the front.

They got their whole section with his, I don't know if it is his ex-wife now, Jennifer. They have a whole show. Yeah, whatever. So they're all sitting there in the front in a booth, and I have a good set. And I come off, and as I'm walking by, I go, I'm going to try and say hi. So I say hi to her, and she pokes him because someone was talking to him at that point. She's like, hey, it's the guy from Stays. And he goes, oh.

And then I lean in and I go, can I just tell you real quickly? I go, you know, your movie was the first movie I ever saw 45 years ago in Iran. And he goes, oh, really? And I go, yeah. And he goes, oh. And then I walked away. That was it. he must be he must

get that all the time oh for sure you had a deep cultural impact this episode is brought to you by a real pain from searchlight pictures comes one of the buzziest films at sundance film festival a real pain written directed and starring oscar nominee jesse eisenberg alongside em Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin. Witness a hilarious and moving story about two mismatched cousins as they tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th. Amazon's holiday deals are here so you can celebrate the season early.

With low prices on decor, electronics, and beauty. Perfect for stocking stuffers. And my stockings looking good. Shop holiday deals early on Amazon now. So, yeah. So, then. So, the culture was that culture and very westernized. And then I come to America and I'm like, my dad was rich.

So we stayed at the Waldorf Astoria. No, the Plaza Hotel across the street from F.A.O. Schwartz. In New York. In New York. That's where my dad liked to live it up in New York. He had highs and lows of money, but he would come to New York. We would stay at the plaza with the Waldorf.

And F.A.O. Schwartz, someone recently, he was a single dad, divorced parents, and someone mentioned that F.A.O. Schwartz is a good spot for single dads because they bring you there.

Do you know, F.A.O., have you been there when it was in its prime? F.A.O., shut up! I don't know. How old are you? Yeah, I don't know. But I just remember, Who told it to you? Yeah, I don't know. But I just remember...

How dare you? When did you move to New York? I'm from New Jersey. Okay. Well, there you have it. There you have it. But that's where my dad... I mean, it had the big clock,

and it was a wonderland as a kid. It was where toy stores still felt magical and not fully commercialized. Yeah, big. You know an actor named Tom Hanks? He did a movie. Yeah. Well, the good news is you do look a lot younger

than your age. And the truth is I actually the first time I ran into this was I was at the factory years ago doing some bit, mentioned Marlon Brando, saw the blank expression on this guy's face, and I go Marlon Brando, saw the blank expression on this guy's face, and I go, Marlon Brando? And he goes, no. I go, you don't know? I go, the godfather? And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah. And I go, you know, and I go, that guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I was trying to, I tried to replicate that a few times in front of other people of my age or like 10 years younger, and I would be like be like you know a lot of people that are younger don't know marlon brando i go watch and i'd like being you know i was doing a some talk at a college and the professor was my age i go how many of you guys know marlon brando not a hand goes up and her jaw dropped so then i was talking to these 20 something year olds in florida and i was like yeah you know this thing with marlon brando do you guys know marlon brando they go no i go remember godfather that he talks like this. He comes to me on the day of my daughter's wedding.

And she goes, oh, the raccoon in Zootopia. Yes. The babies. That's how they know him now. Black people are obsessed with the mafia. So we know, I mean, all the Godfathers have many opinions. Really? That's the thing?

Oh, yeah. You've never seen Cribs? What I always like. No, I haven't seen Cribs. I got the copy of The Godfather. I got a copy of, you know... What do you think it is? What is it about the... I think it's that American dream thing. It's the

falsehood of the American dream. You can come here, you know, but he was already rich. My dad's like a little Italian, and he would say stuff to me seriously as a kid. He'd go, son, don't ever get in bed with the mafia. Hilarious. As if I've ever had an opportunity.

He would come close. He used to say to me, he said, son, if someone ever really messes with you, you let me know, and I'll take care of it. And I look back, and I'm like, were you telling me that you could murder someone? Murder someone? Yeah, yeah. And no, you can't. Break his legs.

And then, no, you can't. Break his legs. And then no, you can't. He couldn't do anything for me. But he really believed it. He probably knew someone kind of. Like, son, you need to go dump all that heroin you have in your room. Or pack mule. Yeah, I guess you think you know someone.

I mean, you probably, listen, ultimately there's somebody in your family. Yeah, my great-grandpa Luigi, he dealt with the boxing. But I couldn't get a favor done for me. It's true. My great-grandpa Luigi, he was a manager for boxers and opera stars and probably crooked. Probably a piece of shit. I have cousins from the projects in Brooklyn that would probably murder.

But they're better now. And so what happened was like all the crimes are in the 90s. Now they all live in like South Carolina because they have to flee New York. So maybe they won't

murder now, but in the late 90s, early 2000s. They paid right. Could have got something done. And how long were you in New York

before you moved from here? We were in New York only for a couple months because it was late 70s. It was one of the coldest winters in New York history and so my mom was, because we were looking for a couple months because it was late 70s. It was one of the coldest winters in New York history. And so my mom was – because we were looking for a place to stay and we were looking for homes.

And my mom told my dad, she's like, we got to get out of here. So we went first to Reno. He had a friend in Reno. And my dad was a big gambler. So everywhere we'd go, we'd go stay at the casino. And he had a lot of money. So every time I'd be walking around, my mom would be like, oh, your dad met the owner. He may buy into this casino.

He was going to buy into MGM in Reno. Were they fun? What was your dad like? My dad was larger than life. He was like life of the party, great dad, always a friend. Big tipper? Listen, my friend was just telling me, he goes, I remember your, because I just was with my son. And I had like a $100 bill. And I gave him a $100 bill to go get something. And I was with my son and i had like a hundred dollar bill and i

gave him a hundred dollar bill to go get something and i was with my friend from my childhood and my friend goes dude i just remember the first time i ever saw a hundred dollar bill was your dad pulling it out back in the day he would give us like hundreds that's my dad too my dad was like my dad's 100 yeah and he when i turned 18 he gave me 100, sent me to a strip club. He said, go to a strip club. Yeah. And then I got there. I was like, 100's not enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My dad also died penniless and lost all his money. My dad is about to soon, I'm sure. So, yeah. One thing my dad that I learned later in life that he taught me was, so as he was getting sick and he came, he was living in Iran, and he came to visit us when I was, I don't think I'd married my wife yet, but whatever it was, I told my wife, I go, we're going to take my dad out to dinner because I'd done a comedy show and they gave me a coupon to a nice restaurant.

I was like, all right, let's go use this coupon. Yeah. Take my dad. And we went to sit and as we're sitting, the maitre d' was sitting, sitting, sitting as my dad gave the maitre d' a tip. And I go, what are you doing? I go, you got to wait till after to, you know, see how see how the service was and he goes what's the point of tipping them after like they're not gonna take care of you if you point to me no that's right pop i was like oh shit you're

right yes you gotta slip a little something as you sit as you sit papa jabrani let me find that makes so much i never would have thought of that because i was a server for years and somebody had tipped me in the beginning of the meal. They're going to take care of you. And they'll tip you at the end, and you're going to take care of them. Yes. Was it when he got older and started getting broke where you're like, hey, Dad. Yeah, take it easy.

No, that was Starbucks. He's like, give me $100. Yeah, yeah. That was his thing, though. I mean, I think the key is to always, I guess, have it, be ready to tip. Because ultimately, that talks louder than anything else. What's the tip in the beginning? Family of four.

At that restaurant, I think you either give them $10 or $20. It wasn't that much. I mean, that's still. Because you didn't get a tip on the back. That's very classy. You still give them your 20% at the end, but at the beginning, you slip them a $20 bill, you're good to go. Yes. I've done that. I don't do that as much as I end, but at the beginning, you slip them a $20 bill, you're good to go. Yes. I've done that.

I don't do that as much as I should, but I've done that before. And all of a sudden, your table looks a lot nicer. It's a much better section. You know what I'm saying? And it's just walking in and playing the thing. And, oh, hey, how are you? Good to see you. And it feels good.

That's so classy in old school. I love it. I did that. I was, so, and you guys know, like, sometimes, like, your, the way your fans see you is bigger than your pocketbook. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was in the movie Friday After Next, which was a big hit. And I was a main character in it. And so, but I only, you know, it was the first big movie I did.

So I made like $16,000 did it two weeks obviously got residuals and stuff but after I filmed for two weeks I went back to being a receptionist like I was back to being but somewhere around that time I went to Las Vegas to watch a friend of mine

in a comedy show and it was it was this big show they were doing I forget what it was called it was something something circus like there was acrobats

there was all kinds of stuff. And we go there and it's chaos trying to get into this club. And I'm there with my wife. And we're trying to get in, trying to get in. And the security guard sees me and he goes, Moley from Friday. I go, yeah. He's like, oh, hey. And he calls his supervisor.

Hey, this guy, this. So now this guy got me in. And at the time, you the time I was doing alright but I wasn't doing great I mean I probably had like $200 in 20s one two

I gave him a 20 then the next guy goes hey I gave him a 20 I'm tipping 20s I'm like oh you're broke tipping your fans I love it

they still tell that story yeah that's a good story and you when you moved to California yeah you said you were bullied in school. Yeah, the bullying was interesting because the hostage crisis happens, right? So it's similar to what, like, after September 11th, you know? I mean, patriotism can blind people.

That's why I never, like, I try not to say I'm proud to be American, I'm proud to be Iranian, I'm proud to be the... There's good and there's bad to all of it. I'm not a patriot. It'll blind you, right? Because you just take the side and you go, yeah, get them all. And they do it. When I was in school, at least my school, we did the Pledge of Allegiance. It was always weird.

I sat down for it. They had to call my mother and say, yeah, I was young, too. I was in elementary school. And she was like, my daughter does not have to stand up for the College of Allegiance. Was it fully at the time you were like, this country has done great wrongs? I was like that. I'd be

in Sunday school and my Sunday school teachers would be like, if you don't accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you're going to hell. I'm like, what about my Muslim friend? What about my Jewish friend? They're going to hell. I was like, this doesn't make sense. Called my mom. Told her. Question it all. She keeps messing up. I was just always that kid.

Your mom's dropping you off places, gets a call 10 minutes later. She said, this girl. It's the whole thing of blind patriotism. You've got to love this country. The fact is, I appreciate this country. I tell people, if you think Make America Great Again is needed, you should go travel to other countries and see what a great country we have.

We have a lot of problems. Sure. But we also have a lot of great things. And I go, so you should appreciate what you do have. So I appreciate the country. But as you said, I appreciate it with its faults and I will call out its faults. We can't sit here and be blind to our history.

I don't want to see slavery because white kids are going to feel bad. White kids don't want to see slavery because white kids are going to feel bad white kids aren't going to feel bad white kids will be like wow my grandfather was an asshole right for sure i think it's also the thing of like they think they can bully america is so big and i always think like the conservatives when they think they're going to like teach history in a specific way they're like you're not going to get the whole country just to be like okay we'll all be patriotic now you cannot force patriotism in a place this big maybe in other places where you're fucking killing people and whatnot you can afford but it's not going to happen in and that's what

they would do to us in school where it was like they would do this pledge of allegiance and i had a teacher whose son served and who's who was a military you know family yeah and i remember some girl was like just trying like pushing me during the pledge and and she thought i wasn't respecting the pledge she came over she's like that those red is the blood of the soldiers and like just really trying to like i don't know shame me into patriotism and i'm like that's not that's not gonna work. Yeah. And the way that they slip it into the sports things

where it's just like, eh. Oh, I was the early Colin Kaepernick. Yeah. Look at me. Well,

it's, you know, it's, that's, I think, when they criticize Colin Kaepernick or they criticize anybody,

I go, that's the whole point of this country is that we can, we should be able to do that without getting criticized. So, that's the whole point of this country is that we should be able to do that without getting criticized. So when the hostage crisis happened,

there was a lot of anti-Iranian sentiment. And back then, they would call you fucking Iranian. So I remember the sixth grader. That's the slur they just added

fucking in front of it? Yeah, yeah, fucking Iranian. So I was in the fourth and there was a sixth grader who would call you fucking Iranian. And then I had friends who got beaten up.

And then when you talk to other people, they talk about like, you know know bricks to the windows you know getting death threats all kinds of stuff because there was they were this because listen if you want just uh and you left because you weren't to the current system that shows you how patriotism can blind because these people rather than sitting there going like oh my god you left this regime yeah you came here you don't agree yeah, yeah. You came here. Maybe you don't agree with it.

Yeah, you're on my side. No, they turn around and go, oh, you're fucking Iranian. Oh, and you're a friend of mine, Ahmed Ahmed, who was in The Axis Evil. He's Egyptian. He goes, he used to get shit because of the Cossus crisis. He's like, I am Egyptian. Yeah, so it just shows you how stupid and blind

the patriotism makes you. I'm fucking Egyptian. Fucking Egyptian. Get it right. But if you want an interesting thing, if you go on YouTube and put, I think, Iran hostage crisis nightline. So what had happened was the Tonight Show numbers back then with Johnny Carson were crazy. It was like, I don't know, 30 million viewers a night or something.

Or 20 million. A lot. Fallon's below a million, just to put it in perspective. Below a million? Yeah. So back then it was like half the country was watching him. And then so ABC was trying to compete. So ABC goes, you know what we're going to do?

We're going to do a show. We're going to call it, I think it was called America Held Hostage Iran Crisis or something like that. For some reason, I hear America. I think America's got talent. So in my mind, it was like the best hostage takers. Make hostage funny. May they sing, you know. Ya Allah, Ya Allah.

So they start their show, and that show starts bringing in numbers because people want to know what's going on with the hostage crisis because it wasn't 24 hour news so then eventually by like day one and then they start counting the days day 142 and there's Ted Koppel was the guy day 142 Iran hostage crisis that's what created

Nightline at one point they stopped calling it Iran hostage crisis they started calling it Nightline and they would count the days and so I went and watched one of those episodes and there's this episode and it's back then, it was like half an hour

or maybe more. So he's like, you know, today we've got the family of one of the hostages. We're following them around in San Diego so they follow the two kids

and the mom. She's making breakfast. The kids are there. The dad's a hostage. They follow the two kids and the mom, she's making breakfast, the kids are there, the dad's a hostage, they follow the kids to school, they ask the mom questions, she's crying, and then they bring on the Iranian ambassador to the U.S., and they put him on half of the screen, they put the mom on the other half, and they start talking to each other, and this guy, the Iranian guy's defending what they're doing and the so i'm sitting there watching this on youtube and i'm going gosh if i were some dumb american back then watching this

i too would want to go beat up some american the next day because i'm sorry some iranian the next day because i was like these motherfuckers that do so that was the sentiment so these guys so so they would come to school and they would pick on you or they would call you fucking Iranian or they'd do whatever were your parents have you been in therapy Maz because this sounds very so beautiful I've talked about it a lot you said comedy is therapy

so it is it really is it really is but like did your did your parents like would you talk with them about like hey this kid

there was none of that like there was my parents I think they were like I don't think my my parents never took us aside and said listen if anybody says like says, like, I asked my mom, I go, what did you guys just say? What did you guys do back then?

And my mom said, well, you know, my dad is from northern Iran. So that's the border of like Russia and Turkey. Yeah. So they're Azerbaijani. They're Turkish. Yeah. So my mom said, listen, if your dad didn't want to deal with it, he'd just say I'm Turkish and Americans don't even know the difference, but whatever.

So my dad was not the guy who was like son there's gonna be trouble like he was just like make something up yeah i don't care you know and i and i wasn't coming back then you wouldn't come and be like this happened you just kind of you know you'd be like oh i guess this is part of life i don't know yeah you wish that like looking back you're like oh i wish they talked to me about racism when I was a kid. Like you had to process so much on your own of like, oh, this, were you able to be like back then like, oh, this kid is an idiot? Well, I think, listen, I think that like I was pretty good and my personality has always been like I was friends with the jocks. I was friends with the drama nerds. I was friends with the jocks, I was friends with the drama nerds, I was friends with everybody.

And early on, I remember like looking back on it therapy wise, I would like, I was a pretty good athlete, so that helped. I used to watch all these cartoons, so I think I tried to be funny. And I used to bring a lot of candy to school

and just hand it out to people. So I learned how to bribe. I've been tipping people. Throwing candy from the Rolls Royce. Yeah, you've been tipping people from the beginning. Tipping people from the beginning. You said that children talking about racism.

Candy. Candy. Everyone candy. You slip them a starburst in the beginning. Fucking Aradia with candy. Before you sit down for the meal,

you give the guy a couple starbursts, you go, hey, that's for you. There's more of that if you give me good service. So I think that my personality

helped me get through it. I have a friend of mine who was very combative and, like, used to get picked on and beat up all the time because he was just, he kind of was a smart ass. So I think I probably learned watching him. I was like, all right, don't do that. Just kind of, like, put your head down, walk past.

You know, I do, in my stand-up, I talked about, like, there was, like, you know, growing up in Marin, there wasn't that much diversity. I was in the fourth grade. There was one black kid in the fifth grade. At one point, they stole the pedals off my bicycle. Now, I don't know if they did it because I was Iranian or because I had a nice bike, but I just remember walking... Yeah, they saw that Rolls-Royce.

Rolls-Royce and bikes. The dad would buy him some new fucking pedals. So I'm walking with my bike, and like, no pedals. I'm walking to take it to the bike shop to, you know, maybe buy pedals. And I remember him kind of like talking to me and being nice and stuff. The black kid. The black kid. And in my stand-up, I go, you know, there was one black kid.

He put his arm around my shoulder. He's like, let's walk for a second. He goes, I've been dealing with this shit for 250 years. Let me tell you what you got to do. Candy. So yeah, candy, right? Yeah. What, when you, because you left when you were so young, right what when you

because you left when you were so young like how do you what's your relationship to Iran now like do you stay up to date how often do you go back

I don't go back so I left 45 46 years ago 45 years ago I was I was 6 I'm 51 now

45 years ago I left I've been back once my father moved back. So he came to America, lost a lot of his money. He still had properties back in Iran. He went back to Iran to try and do some stuff with it and basically lived the end of his life there.

Did you have him and your mom separate? Pretty much. Like he left, he went over there. I had like a girlfriend. My mom basically divorced and all that stuff. But she was, my mom stayed. And then my dad came back at the end of his life and actually passed away here but by then he was he was he was like 15 years older than her they never i always say my dad was a great father but was not a great husband yeah when he came back here did he stay with with her

no he came back he stayed with me a little bit stay with my sister a little bit and ultimately ended up in like a nursing facility because he he just was in such bad state he needed somebody to watch him. And that girlfriend was gone. Whatever girlfriend. Girlfriend was back there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see him tipping people at the senior citizens' home. So I went back once when he was there, and I was there for two weeks.

And the people are beautiful. The hospitality is amazing. If you watch Anthony Bourdain did a Parts Unknown in Iran, and he's someone who's traveled the world, and one of the lines he said that I really liked, he goes, I traveled the whole world because I never thought that the most hospitable people would be in Iran. They really are, because I think it's part of our culture is to make you feel home, here have food, whatever's mine is yours. It's a very formal culture

in that way. And so it was great to see the people. It was amazing because I hadn't been there in like 20 years at that point. So it was amazing

to walk into my aunt's home and smell a smell I hadn't smelled in 20 years and be right back to it. Really? The food and the house. But at the same time it was very sad

because I saw that the opportunity for young people, there was no opportunity. That's why I go back to the whole make America great again, right? There's people all over the world still dying to come to America.

And why was there no opportunity? You're saying it's so hospitable. It's hospitable, but the economy's not great. Is that the Ayatollahs doing? It's that, but also the economy. Listen, they've mismanaged the economy.

The kids go to college and schools and whatever, but in America, there's colleges everywhere. that but also the economy listen they've mismanaged the economy the the kids go to college and and schools and whatever but like there's you know in america there's colleges everywhere there's you know if you don't make it into a university you go to jc if you don't make it jc you go to there's all kinds of if you really want it in america to like work and find something it's there over there it's just limited because like a lot of these places their economy is even worse like inflation is crazy you have a lot of people that get educated and then they don't have any work to do and then and then you have then you got to sit there and look at like i remember then i was only

there for two weeks but i was worried about like oh if i'm walking down the street with my sister someone could come over and be like are you guys what's your relationship you know somebody could bother me morality police could stop me. And so, is there, is there like police and morality, is morality police their police or is it like

different divisions like they have a cop? Do they wear a costume? I think it's a different thing. So the morality police, so what happened in last year's protest with this lady,

Gina Amini, she, her hair was out of her hijab a little bit and the morality police showed up and they have like, I think they have like, little bit and the morality police showed up and they have like i think they have like the women for the morality police are fully covered and then they

got a couple of like thugs with them and they'll show up and be like your hair is this that the other get in and then they're very abusive and then not just cover it yeah get in the truck yeah you know they're this is where we go back to what i say when I say, like, I warned people last year. I said, look, what you see in Iran, Iran is a cautionary tale. So you think that a minority of people could not create an autocratic state and make us live in this, like, handmaid's tale. But I'm here to tell you they just took away your right to choose. And a majority of people want that right to choose. But it's no longer a right to choose. And a majority of people want that right to choose, but it's no longer a

right to choose. And there's these same people who, then these same people try to instill Donald Trump as a dictator, because he lost the election, but he said, I didn't lose the election. And they still make excuses for it. So all of that to say that you think, oh, America, no, we have all these safety nets ready to stop it. Nope. Well, they ain't working because this dude's still free. There's still a lot of people who still believe that he won the election, and they still want him to be the dictator, and they want to instill their morals on you. Anytime somebody tells you, God told me this, that, the other, that means my way you have to my way is right I do think what's so interesting about Trump though

compared to like a religious leader where like with a religious leader you have an old text that informs what the values are but like

Trump is such an interesting entity where it's like he doesn't care he's not a religious person but you know he's not like he has no opinion on abortion

other than whatever might serve him but you can always be born like god he has no opinion on abortion other than whatever might might serve but you can always be born again sure so that's where they said he's born there's a great where trump was first running and he's like on some christian podcast like what's your favorite bible verse and he's like you immediately you you can tell he's you couldn't even name one book and then he goes oh it's oh, it's hard to choose. I love them all. And then they go, oh, but what's one you like? And he's like, I couldn't possibly.

And it's such a crazy. He's like, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. Like, it's, and obviously with religions, it's worked in this dictatorship way before. But it's interesting when it's devoid or it's an amalgamation of evangelicals and just people who want patriarchy strong. I mean, it's... I'll say a couple things. I've been reading this book,

Under the Banner of Heaven. Have you guys read this? I've heard of it. John Krakauer. It's a great book. I only read it because I was in Salt Lake City, Utah, and my friends were like, you should read this

because I had questions about Mormonism. And it just talks about Mormonism and Joseph Smith, and he has this... God, you know, God talks to him and says, oh, you should bang a lot of women. You should have a lot of wives. He's like, that's going to be in there. Yeah, yeah. And then they all have these they all have these

epiphanies, or not epiphanies, but like they talk to God and God tells them things that somehow are always very fortunate for them. For them! It's very convenient. It's never like, you should go, you know, run 50 miles up a hill. God said no more blowjobs.

Yeah. That's what he said. God damn it. No bacon. No such thing. So I'm reading this and how some of these guys commit acts of,

criminal acts and acts of violence and they get away with it because their followers just go, okay, if that's what you, if this is really what it is and you're saying it, oh God, okay, then we're going to follow it. So I'm watching that, I'm reading that and I'm looking at what televangelists

do, which is like, give me all your money because they're criticizing me because they're criticizing you. And I'm sitting there going, Trump, whether consciously or subconsciously, has seen these religious leaders do this, and he's basically taken a page out of that book, and he said, I'll do whatever you need me to do. And that's why the evangelicals love him so much.

You're right. He himself doesn't know anything. But the evangelicals have turned and twisted their bodies to be able to say this lying, cheating scoundrel who's not religious, who's just the most un-Jesus person in the world was sent by God. That's the thing that I think I didn't know until Trump, that that kind of pretzeling could happen so extremely. But I knew it being in Sunday school and having to go to church and I was just like you guys are blindly

following this but it doesn't make sense like it's what you're trying to tell me doesn't make sense I'm asking questions you cannot answer them you know so my intellectual brain rejected it I was like this doesn't so I kind of feel like if you're not a critical thinker

and you know and they don't want you to be. So again, in Mormonism, you say a lot of times these women who are in these polygamous marriages have been told, don't question. Yeah, from child brides. When you're reading it, you go, so the guy marries this woman, and then the woman has a daughter. So then he goes ahead and basically rapes the 12 year old daughter and then has a kid with her and then another and on and on and on and on and i was just reading right now like there's so much like there's this one girl who's like she was raped by her dad and then she escaped but then she's got four or five other sisters and she's like i'm

afraid the guy's just raping and the guy keeps having these he keeps saying god God is talking, I am Jesus. So, okay, that guy should not be walking around, right? But the people that he's with, and there's others who respect him, have been told to not question. Don't question. Yeah, do not ask questions. And that's the problem. When you don't question, you end up in this situation where you go, how could anybody support the Islamic regime that is brutalizing their own people,

throwing innocent people in jail, killing innocent kids, all this other stuff? How can anyone support them? Well, because there's a portion of the population who thinks this dude, who is now the chosen guy, he's got some, you know. Ordainment. Yeah, he's got some connection. He's got a phone that goes to God that the rest of us

don't have but that's why those pictures they always show that pictures from Iran they'll always show the early photos of Iran

and just it's wild to think how swiftly the idea of getting just women to just put on something over their head

and it's like it's enforced how I'm curious how fast. Dude, think about this. I watched a lot. I read a lot about all the stuff of January 6th.

If they had succeeded in taking over Congress, then part of the plan was they would take over Congress. Donald Trump could call a state of emergency and he could have the military come in and then because they're now we're living under this uh state of emergency he could say well we can't really you know i can't leave yet we got to keep this going and

eventually their their plan was like in the long term they were going to instill him he was going to be there and now you've got this military who's saying well you, we've got to live under almost like a military dictatorship for a while. So if the people with the guns, even if they're fewer than us, but they can show up and say, if you want to walk through these streets, you have to cover your hair. Eventually, there's going to be some people

who are going to be like, just cover your hair. Let's figure it out. Just comply, yeah. And that's the problem right now in Iran is that these people that protest, I think a majority of people are young, there's a lot of people who want their freedoms, but they have zero weapons,

so they go out in the streets and they protest, and then the Islamic regime brings their thugs out with weapons, and they basically kill enough, or imprison enough, where it dies down again. So, and I don't know what the solution is, because... Do you feel, do you like, watch it and feel

emotion? Is it too much? Well, it goes back to what you were saying. So I have spent most of my life in America. For all intents and purposes, I'm American. But I also have a big Iranian following. I have a big Iranian fan base. I have obviously my family. I have friends.

Culturally, there's that tie. And I think as a community, as a diaspora, we are traumatized by what had happened, and it's somewhere deep inside. So last year when the protests happened, people were so, like, all over the world. It was the biggest protest, I think. And people were angry.

And then the problem became people started infighting. So all of a sudden, like, I'm a very left-leaning person when it comes to my politics. But the people that were on the right, there were like a lot of Iranians were pro-Trump. And they thought Trump was going to somehow get rid of this regime, which he killed the general. Within the protesting, the people protesting, like the morality police, some of them were pro-Trump? Yeah. So what would happen is like is you'd go to protest in Los Angeles.

I went to a protest in Los Angeles. You have Democrats, you have Republicans, you have everything. I don't care who you are. Sure. We're all protesting

this oppressive regime in Iran. We all agree. Whenever there's a conflict overseas, it's very interesting how the Republican-Democrat suddenly they're together for a moment.

For a moment. For a moment. So I'm like, we all agree that this regime's oppressive. But I'm at the protest and some lady my mom's age, she clearly, I guess they know my politics because I criticize Trump a lot, so she'll say,

so she saw me and she goes, you filthy Democrat. And I was like, what the fuck? And I wanted to be like, bitch. I go, if the Democrats don't show up, you're going to lose half your protesters here. And I go, by the way, let's first get rid of these guys. Then let's have our own. Then let's have a vote. I don't care if you have a right-wing government, left-wing government.

If you have a Democratic-led government that's going to let people be free, then fine. But the problem becomes there's so much trauma that everyone just starts going at each other and so i for all intents and purposes i'm american but there's still the iranianness in me somewhere so and then the thing that comes about is like there's a handful of iranian american comedians and like we were all kind of talking about how we had to be vocal. We had to be like, do we do our shows? Do we not do our shows?

And we said we should do our shows because it'll give us a chance to talk to our American audience and inform them about what's going on. And by the way, it's my job. I should continue to work. Yeah, there is that thing, especially with Instagram, where they're like, no more jokes or whatever. I'm like, I still, this is my day to day. I'm sorry, I'm a comedian.

Did you not go to work today? Okay. Exactly. Shut up. Exactly. So with that, so sometimes I was saying, I was like, sometimes I just wish I were Swedish. Or like, I don't know if you guys know who Ismo is. Ismo is from Finland.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I were Ismo, like, I don't think Ismo ever has to deal with phrases. Ismo never has to post a flag. Yeah. Norway. Yeah. I mean, I do wish

sometimes, too. Yeah. You know. Yeah. Sure. Absolutely. Let's go on to our next segment.

This has got to stop. This has got to stop. Do you have a this has got to stop? Something that's big, small, personal. Yeah, I was going to say, I mean, we were in politics. I was thinking with Paul, what's got to stop. This has got to stop. Do you have a this has got to stop? Something that's big, small, personal. Yeah, I was going to say, I mean, we were in politics. I was thinking with politics.

What's got to stop is politicians who clearly have done some guilty shit just coming out, bald-faced lying. This whole thing, like the 23 indictments just came down against George Santos. He's a fascinating human by the way. Clearly he was taking the credit cards of some of his donors and double charging and then going off and buying stuff. Him, Bob Menendez

from the Democratic side. Jersey! Shout out to New Jersey. The gold bars. The gold bars. I mean, it's so obvious. Sure. I mean, I'm so... I can't help but feel just such extreme pessimism in terms of

scam artists, they get in anywhere they can. And clearly the political system has created a way that you could be insane scam artists. George Santos, it's crazy. And this is... He's able to survive here for now.

Will he go to jail? Will he have some punishment? Will he get off scot-free? But I'm like, I don't see that going away at all. I just feel like it's going to get worse and worse. I don't know. I have no optimism in my heart about America getting better. It's just like if someone came to you and said, listen, you know that joke you do?

Someone else is doing that joke like i think that we have there's still like there's certain occupations where there's some honor where you go oh okay either you go well i'm you know i didn't i never saw it i'm doing it my my different way or you go oh my god you know what i'm gonna step away you know i'm not i don't want to be a joke stealer yeah i had that happen to me recently where it like there's another comedian that has a bit but the bit actually happened to me so I'm telling the bit I'm telling a story of something that happened to me and they're like this person has that bit and I was like

no one called him fat though sure like someone actually called me fat so like you're just telling you're just doing a joke yeah I'm telling a personal story so I'm like if it was a different if it was an observation on an airplane or something yeah I'm gonna give it away but if it's a personal story I'm telling a personal story. So I'm like, if it was an observation on an airplane or something, yeah, I'm going to give it away.

But if it's a personal story I'm telling, I didn't steal your joke. There's one that shocked me so much. It was a comedy club in Denver. I did, and there was an opener on it. I didn't watch the opener. Like, it was no offense to the, I just, I was working on myself. I can't watch the opener. But so I did a joke, and it was about when I did one of the marches in Harlem,

and they started shouting, fire, fire, gentrrifier and i was in the march talking about me and this comic was a black comic in denver wrote on the video like you saw me do this joke you stole this and there was a moment where i was like we could not have had quite the exact same experience no way and like thank god he and he wrote a long screed about about you know you you watched me we could not have had quite the exact same experience. There's no way. And like, thank God, and he wrote a long screed about, you know, you watched me in Denver. This is the exact joke, exact turns. And thank God I found a recording the day before Denver,

if not further, where I was doing that joke. Right. But I don't think there's honor. Mitt Romney, there was that video where he confronted George Santos on the floor and he said to George Santos you don't belong here yeah

and to me it was such a classic of like yeah he does yeah yeah yeah what are you talking about and this shit happened under your watch

yeah no honor among thieves none none whatsoever I'm like he's just taking it to a cartoonish extreme and I just can't wait to see the documentary

and the Lifetime movie. Guess what? He'll produce it and he'll get all the proceeds from it. And he deserves it. Son of a bitch. That Fyre Festival guy, he's bringing back Fyre Festival 2. Nothing matters anymore. There's no consequences to anything. The Tinder swindler is doing cameos.

Absolutely. I stan a scammer. Listen to me. Did you ever this got to stop? I do I do The amount of weed in New York right now Has to stop It's stressing me out You could go to a bodega

And buy a pre-roll I don't even think it's weed I think it might be Delta A I'm trying to quit smoking And I feel like it's making me Whatever it is It's like addictive too So y'all gotta stop

come on New York crack down on these people that ain't supposed to be these aren't gonna last there's fucking one on every block every and it's so funny

to think about when I remember when Weeds was on Showtime and it was like what dispensary would be the coolest thing in the world and now I see

empty dispensary after empty dispensary selling the exact same products no difference between them. All the same kind of like, we're cool, zazaz,

or just like cool hip. It's all going to collapse. They're all going to fucking close. Yeah, all of our lungs are going to collapse as well. And guess what? I still get my weed in LA because there's something in me is like,

I doubt Tova really thinks it's all the Delta H shit. At the bodegas for sure. Yes. If I got a show I need to get in, it's all the Delta H shit. At the bodegas, for sure. Yes. If I got a show I need to get in, that's sweet. Yeah. If I just walk into a bodega and they give me a chopped cheese and a pre-roll, that is probably Delta H. This has got to stop.

My girlfriend, she's been trying a CPAP machine. Not going great. For you. Not going great. Is it loud? No. I mean, no,

because it's a suction thing, but it's big. I mean, for her, she has night terrors and sleep apnea. She did a sleep study. Okay.

And so, it would certainly help me, but it would also help her too. But, really struggling with it. Wakes up an hour in it's huge it's man yeah geez and her insurance gets the data from the snoring machine get this if she doesn't use it four hours a night on average for 70 of nights, she then has to pay for it in full.

They get the data from the machine, and if she doesn't use it according to their system, then she will then have to pay a very expensive, for a very expensive seat. So then do you put it on for two hours? Well, that's what I asked. You just run it? I said, can we run it? And she seemed to say no. We're still looking into it.

Maybe you got a pet? Yeah. We'll get a pet just for that. You got a stuffed animal? Put it on him. But the most big brother, fucked up health insurance shit. Oh, they're the worst. My girlfriend with the night tears and the sleep apnea now is paranoid that if she takes it off, she's going to owe money in the middle of the night.

They're the worst. And our whole medical system is also screwed. But it's like the fact that right now, after all these years, the Biden administration has finally been able to just get the right to negotiate for the Medicare drug prices to come down. Doesn't mean the prices are going to come down. They finally got the right. So that should just show you how.

And also, I got breathing trouble. I can get a pre-roll easier than I can get an inhaler. Yeah. I need both. Let's go to our final segment here. You better count your blessing.

You better count your blessing. We've been negative. Let's say one thing that we're grateful for. Joyelle, do you have something? I'm going to say it. We've been negative. Let's say one thing that we're grateful for. Joyelle, do you have something? I'm going to say it since you've been talking about her this whole time. I'm very grateful for my manager, and I'm grateful that she has a CPAP machine because I need her to stay alive because we're getting money together, baby.

So love you, Tova. Grateful for her. I think the CPAP is keeping her alive. The CPAP is keeping me alive being able to sleep before I go to fucking Arizona for eight people at the House of Comedy. By the way, this is coming up.

We'll do plugs after this. I'll go... God, I don't even know how to... Is that clear to get into the airport? No, that wasn't. This has got to stop. I'm not thankful for clear. I'm not thankful for the person who's been hired to highlight.

I could do it. I'm going to bring my own fucking highlighter. Do you have clear? Of course. We got it. Double entry clear. We got it. I know in a year there's going to be a new thing.

There's going to be a third thing, and we're all going to have to fucking sign up. They have a clear plus now. It'll be clearer. Clear plus? They have a clear plus now. I don't know what it is. I just saw it last time I was at the airport. Son of a bitch.

So I'll put it like this. So I worked for a very long time with a touring agent named Matt Bourne. And we're not working together anymore. But he was an incredible, incredible agent. Worked with me when he was giving me hosting gigs at Bananas. And just one of the best things that ever happened in my whole little career, all the way back starting as an actor, and I'm just so grateful for what an incredible agent he is. And anyone would be lucky to work with him.

Is he here? No, I just wanted to say it. I just wanted to share it. That's my blessing. I just want to thank that casting director that did not cast me. However, I'm still available. Best casting director ever.

No, I'm going to go with my son. He's 15. And I love my daughter, too, of course. She's 12. But my son has He's 15, and I love my daughter, too, of course. She's 12. But my son has kind of come out of that early teens. The worst age, middle school. And he's had moments that really made me proud. He started surfing.

We live in midtown Los Angeles. And so he started surfing in Santa Monica, which is about a half-hour car ride. And he was going to go see his friend to go surfing i said i'll get you an uber he goes no i'll take the bus i go what do you mean take the yeah i'll take the bus he's been taking the bus on his own gets up he's teaching me about the bus right in la that's a big deal it's a big deal and and and he gets up early and he goes and i was like holy shit this kid's a better person than i am so i'm proud of him for that and i get to play i've been i've been getting a chance to play soccer with him

which as my uh all my joints and everything are going out of order i'm getting maybe a couple years to play with them and and it's just been great oh are you still better than him at soccer oh no he's much better than me i'm, by the way, his name is Dara. I kind of coach him on the field, and I ask him the other day, I go, would you get upset when I coach you? He's like, yeah. He goes, well, it's funny because you're coaching me, and you're heading the ball into our own goal.

And I was like, I go, listen, buddy. Drag him. Come on, Dara, drag him. I go, I'm older. I go, I'm this old. I go, if I survive the game, I'm older. I go, I'm this old. I go, if I survive the game, I'm happy. I go, you got potential. So I go, if you don't want me to coach, just let me know. Because I said something like, Dara, you know, 50% of the time you're doing well.

The other 50% is quoting me. They tell me that a lot of times both the kids, they say, and my nephew, they say, you always say in life. And whenever you talk to us, you're like, in life. They're making fun of me. I'm like alright you bastards I'll stop talking so this is coming out October 31st

what do you want to plug oh wow I'm on tour all over the place after October 31st I'm going to be in Connecticut I'm going to be in DC

I'm going to be in Atlanta LA go to mazjobrani.com M-A-Z-J-O-B-R-A-N-I dot com I'm probably coming to your city.

I'm going to be coming to New York in the new year, Boston, doing a theater tour, and at mazjobrani all across the social media platforms. Amazing. Joyelle. Yeah, November 2nd through the 24th, I will be on tour in all of Canada with Roy Wood Jr., Arthur Simeon, and Malik El Asel.

And, yeah, we're going to, like, every city in Canada. So, remote cities in Canada, look us up for the JFL tour. It's going to be on my link tree on Instagram, Joyelle Nicole, that my manager made for me, that my manager's boyfriend was hating on because he was like, why are you making this for her? And I was like, mind your business. I say, Tova, do you want to go on a date I'd love to take you out She says I have to work on Joyel's link tree

I'm setting up the ticket sales for the Canada tour Hilarious That's going to be such a cool You're going to know Canada In a way that most Canadians Most Canadians though We're going to MBs and NSs And

ONs. For me, I am, tonight, when this comes out, I'll be flying to Milan, November 1st, London, November 2nd through, most of these are sold out. I don't give a fuck. Maybe Paris, November 9th. So now you're just flexing. Got it.

November 9th, I'm at Paris. There's a big theater. And do not bring those bedbugs. I talked to someone in Paris. They said it's overblown. Don't even say bedbugs to me. It's not that bad. Are you doing the Apollo?

I am. That's a great place. Yeah, great place. Yeah. And then the weekend after that, I'll be at the Stress Factory in Bridgeport, Connecticut, November 16th through that Sunday. Because I can do six shows there, sure. Come on, book them busy.

And you know just remember progress is not guaranteed. This is The Downside. One, two, three. Downside. Downside.

You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi. you're listening to the downside the downside with john marco cerezi