The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #174 I’m Gonna Die with Jo Firestone

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

Jo Firestone (comedian and author of Murder on Sex Island) joins us to share the downsides of puns, writing food jokes, why she isn’t built for life on the road, dissecting the sadness of reality tv shows, Wikipedia-ing the end of scary movies, and self-publishing a book. We’re also joined by guest co-host and The Downside’s theme music composer, Douglas Goodhart.  You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Jo is off the apps at the moment, but make sure to watch "After Midnight" when it debuts on CBS in 2024! For all things Jo, visit: https://www.jofirestone.com/ Read Murder on Sex Island at https://www.jofirestone.com/new-page Follow The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi on Instagram Get tickets to our live podcast recording in NYC on January 8 here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/743999631927 Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by A Real Pain. From Searchlight Pictures comes one of the buzziest films at Sundance Film Festival, A Real Pain. Written, directed, and starring Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg alongside Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin. Witness a hilarious and moving story about two mismatched cousins as they tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th. Um,

oh, I forgot to say, we just talked at the beginning and then we'll get, we'll get, I'm not good at. You are good. You're so good. Thank you, Douglas. Sorry, I'm trying to be more negative. I'm trying to be more negative. With our Phil and co-host, Douglas Goodheart. He's back. Hi,'s back from doing musicals in Milwaukee.

What musical? It's a new musical and it's about a woman in Milwaukee who supposedly killed somebody named Laurencia Benbenek. It's like a big Milwaukee story. So they started coming out out of the woodwork and it was really fun. Well, to say the...

You wrote a murder mystery. This was kind of a mystery.. And it was really fun. Well, to say the, because you wrote a murder mystery, this was kind of a mystery of sorts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a true crime musical. It's called Run, Bambi, Run. Whoa. Yeah. Milwaukee's cut.

They had Dahmer, too. Yes, yes. Really? Yes, and this was before Dahmer. So she was like the beginning of, this police force is weird. And then Dahmer broke it open wide. And there was a detail in it, though.

So it was basically a woman who they're pretty sure is falsely accused. He saw the second act. He didn't see the first act. I was headlining in Milwaukee that night. It was a crazy coincidence. Yes, yes. And then our train got canceled. And that's what we said.

And then I only made it to the second act. And then he had notes. He came in. Wait, what notes did I have? He was like, saw the second act. And then he had notes. He came in. Wait, what notes did I have? He was like, saw the second act, not for me. There was such a quick detail that they glided over that I think could have been the whole musical. So this woman was deemed innocent later, or they're pretty sure she's innocent. So then she went on Dr. Phil.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She went on Dr. Phil, and Dr. Phil was strangely afraid she was going to not go on the show, so they locked her in her hotel room, and they had two guards there, and she got all freaked out, having been in prison for nine years, and she jumped out the balcony and lost her leg because of Dr. Phil. Oh, my gosh. Not a great guy, Dr. Phil. So this, you know, Joe, we've also locked this door right now

because I'm nervous. We're here with a comedian, author, actor, Joe Firestone. Welcome to The Downside. Thank you. Thank you. You know, honestly, Douglas, I'm glad you're here because

I have some... We're recording this a little early. This is coming out December 12th, but Thanksgiving I have some dad stuff recording this a little early this coming out December 12th but Thanksgiving I have some dad stuff oh my god this is good for my dad issues our fathers my regular co-host

Russell Daniels I say how's your dad he's like he's good and I'm like what the fuck are you talking about he's good that's it my dad

so my dad wants us to spend more time together he always goes he's like we don't I think my dad calls me and first of all, every conversation I start with him, I want to start with being, I want to be like hey, I will engage with this debate.

Can we acknowledge that you're mentally ill? To frame this conversation. Just understand. And that never works. That's a terrible way to start. But it's true. But it's true. Does he listen to this? No. No. He. No. He will never, ever.

He saw, the last thing he saw, he saw like a musical, not a musical, a play that we did together. It was like an interactive off-off-Broadway monstrosity. Oh, sounds good. That's how we met a million years ago. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. As I said, monstrosity. Terrible.

He came, and this this is it's weird he he came and and he was like he started filming on his phone and while i'm in character walking around he's like come look at this video i made like like suddenly he's like maybe i'm an auteur director oh and i've captured something here and i do you think he's jealous of you? But this is where I go back to the mentally off. I think he's jealous of me in the way that a kid, like if everyone was looking at me, he's like, no, look at me. And literally to go to a theatrical event

and then be like, look at the angles I got on my phone. Well, what if you had a kid and they ended up becoming way more famous than you? Would that drive you insane? Of course it would. I don't know if that's a fair assessment to make. I don't think so. I think, first of all, who knows?

Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? If you had a kid who became, what would be the more successful? What's the thing that you wish you had gotten? No, I think I'd be scared for them. Success turns people really, really scary.

Sure. I'd be scared of them. Is it okay to be scared of your child? Absolutely. Maybe he's scared of you. Maybe. Maybe. That would be nice for a change. And he says, I want us to be... I think he wants us to be closer, but I think he doesn't actually enjoy spending time together.

So he's like frustrated that he doesn't enjoy it. And he always says, he says, you don't know anything about me. And then I say, and I've said this for eight years now, I go, it's my go-to, I go, what's the name of my sketch team? The one he's been on for nine years. With Douglas I go, what's the name of my sketch team? The one he's been on for nine years. With Douglas. Yeah. What's the name of my sketch team? And every time he goes, I don't see how that's relevant at all.

Nine years, and I've asked it every time. He could just learn that one fact, and my argument would be over. But he can't name it. You'd think he'd look it up. You'd think. Yeah. But he'd forget. He asked me'd think he'd look it up. You'd think. Yeah. But he'd forget. He asked me the other day, what's your address?

I said, you've mailed. You have it somewhere. Wait, does he have an actual mental problem? Yeah. Really? But he runs. And we're laughing about it. As opposed, you want to start crying on the podcast?

He's like a funk, but he has a company. He has a company, and it's still around and he's not in jail. So I don't know. So when I see that you and your dad like made a fucking show together,

I'm like, that's a different being. Punderdome. Oh my God. Made that with your dad. Yeah, now he does it solo. He's got it.

He takes, he took over in 2015. Wow. Yeah. And we're You know He comes to New York Once a month to do it I want you to imagine

Doing something with Doing a show with your dad Oh my god What would it even be? What would it even be? My father's a pilot Or was a pilot And fought in Vietnam

And he's just An extremely serious man And like so tense You can't like Squeeze his shoulders Without like Ah Like he's extremely tense Oh my gosh Yeah yeah yeah Would that be the show? serious man and so tense. You can't squeeze his shoulders without like, ah! He's

extremely tense. Would that be the show? I'm not like that at all. What did you say? You have a little bit of your dad in you. I get mad at him. He's the only person I get mad at. He thinks I've got a temper, but I really just get mad at him.

Is the sketch group, you guys have been together for nine years? Nine years. Same group. Same group, you guys have been together for nine years? Nine years. Same group. Same group, same name. No changes. Just for my dad's sake. I kept it the same. That really is amazing. It's six people?

Six people. Originally five. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we did add someone. That's amazing that no one's left. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Monthly show? Now it's chaos it was it was for many years for seven my dad should know it is the point yeah and i'm trying to say truly he should and i would just one day if he if i said i want to say what's in my sketch team and he'd say

the original or when you added joseph limus oh i want him to just like blow me out of the water he'd list my sketches alphabetically well you know my sister lived one block away from where we did shows monthly for like six years. She lived one block away from the pit and she never came. Why would you live in that area? Yeah, she lived in, well, in the nice part. You could see all the pit shows you wanted. Any time, drop by the pit. The realtor.

At like a high rise. There's a doorman. That's a tough area to be in. It's one of those haunted areas. Your dad, he was always like he was into comedy? He I don't know if he was

into comedy. I would say that he is a performer. And so he likes to do that. And, uh, he, uh, yeah. And he really likes to do this pun competition. They get. Was he a punny, was he a punny dad? No, no, I wouldn't say so.

But he just loves this. He loves game shows. And he, and he loves getting people riled up. And people get riled up. This is a community. He just went to a wedding. I wasn't invited. No way.

From the pun community. There's a strong community, and I'm no longer a part of it. When did you wash your hands of it, and you're like, okay, this is done. I'm done. Probably 2015. It's a really extreme event. It's three and a half hours. Oh my God. And screaming

the whole time. Screaming. You can buy it as a game too. I want to get it for Chris. We have a friend and he's really into puns. And sometimes they're good. And sometimes I'll put them in a sketch and I'll say, no one wants this.

In our group. The new one? No. Puns are tough. Did you see Shucked? I did see Shucked. Did your dad see it? My dad didn't see Shucked.

They got a lot of puns in there. Did you see Shucked? Yeah, I did. It's closing. It's closing? Yeah, yeah, Shucked? Yeah, I did. It's closing. Yeah. It's closing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was doing well.

It's closing. Shucked is closing, so is Sleep No More. Yeah, Sleep No More. Yeah, Sleep No More had a little bit more of an impressive run than Shucked. They should combine the two. Can you imagine you're wearing a mask, you go through a cornfield? That would be good. That would be not bad.

I listened, like, I knew Shucked was getting desperate. They had, like, Reba McIntyre, like, desperate. They had Reba McIntyre randomly. Reba McIntyre was in taxis. She'd be like, this is Reba McIntyre. You should see Schucht. And I was like, what the fuck do you have to do with Schucht? I was not convinced that she had seen Schucht. That I think they gave her 10 grand.

They said, can you record this in 10 seconds? What did you think? You like the puns? I liked that one song in it. It was so good. Which one? An independently owned and operated. It's Alex Newell.

Oh, my gosh. I thought I was watching that play, and I was like, okay, okay, okay. And then that number, I said, i said what totally we've changed the game well broadway is about it's a medium that's about the star like the broadway star you know you write you they wrote hello dolly for um what's her name ethel merman like what was that impression you just did of the greatest i couldn? I couldn't think of it. I think of it. I am proud.

You know, it's like, so that person, Alex, is a star. And so that song is killer. Killer. It's amazing. And you're like, oh, this is what Broadway's about. This person belting it out. But you... I just went to, I was in LaGuardia.

And there's all these pictures of people from Broadway trying to get people excited about landing in New York. Totally. And I just wondered if that's—you know, if those people feel like they've made it. I mean, I'm sure that they—because they're stars of Broadway, but the fact that they're in LaGuardia? Don't you think that's something? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. What's in LaGuardia? Wendy's,

The Fountain, Raphael Schwartz, McNally Jackson. These are the things of New York. Totally. That fountain. Something about that fountain. Don't. Don't. Don't do what you're doing because you're going to destroy your career right now.

This is going to be the end of you. If you take down that fountain, that fountain is going to take down you. That fountain, it's, you know, where you're somewhere where like everything sucks, but clearly all the money went to this one thing, and you go, that's nice. Dazzling. It's dazzling. It's dazzling.

It's musically in tune, but I would have preferred a sweet green in the airport where the salads didn't cost $30. Oh. I would get rid of that fountain. What? You're in the wrong place. You're saying I love democracy with love of utopia. Yeah. That's not right.

I'd love war to end all right now. Do you sit in? You get there early? I could walk by. I could try to walk by. Can't. Mesmerize. Mesmerize.

So does everyone else. You can't walk by that. You're going to walk by that? No. You're going to look at it for a while. I do say LaGuardia is probably the best airport in the country that I've been to. I've been to a number these days. It's so nice.

I live 15 minutes from it. That's where I am in Queens. That must be a wonderful experience. It really is. You can walk. I know. Well, oh my God, you could not walk. Well, just the highways are insane there.

Sorry. Sorry. How dare you? Isn't it crazy that you're 15 minutes away. You're like, you know what? Let's walk an hour 30 with the rollie bag down the highway. This is The Downside. One, two, three.

Downside. You're listening to The Downside The Downside With Gianmarco Cerezi That was Douglas Goodheart I wrote that song Really? It was really good Oh, thanks

Were you watching to see if Joe would be like No, actually I was purposefully not making eye contact with anybody And it reminded me, I was in a band for a long time And showing people your music is a really personal, weird feeling. Because you have to, like, you know, songs... You would do it all the time. You'd be like, sit down,

listen to this. Listen to this four-minute song. And four minutes feels like forever. You know, can you imagine... Especially when you hear a Douglas McConklin song. Thank you. Thank you so much. I loved your album! No, I know, I know. I love the song. I remember being in the car with my brother-in-law

and my sister and I was like, oh, this is a great time to listen to this song. And I just watched them. They just kept turning it down slowly. And it's not like it was...

Like as if you wouldn't notice, just like... Yeah, they just like... It was like... It was almost... It was really weird to watch. I'm sitting in the back in the middle, and I'm just watching hands go.

I turn it down. It hurt my feelings. It's a thing you should do in private, for sure. Music listening is tough to gain. That was a great song. Thank you. That was very good. I appreciate it.

You're with two broken people here whose families... Have you ever played your stand-up album while somebody else is listening? I mean, no. That would be horrifying. Would you imagine? Listen to this one part. Wait, wait, wait. Listen to this one part.

You've never done that? Have you? With Tova. Tova's been there. But that Netflix set comes out tomorrow, and the idea of doing a viewing party, to me, feels not... I don't want that.

I want them there for the live thing, sure. But not that. Because then there's a weird thing. I know they feel an obligation to go, great, and I don't believe it, so it doesn't doesn't matter yeah you feel like you need something to celebrate it or is it enough that it's just on netflix i usually regret not like birthday sometimes i i'm usually one of those types i'm like i don't want to do anything i'm i get depressed and then the birthday comes along and i'm like i'm not doing anything for my birthday. And then Tove has to be like, okay, let's fucking.

So I always regret it. I'm sure I will regret it when it comes out at midnight tonight. Yeah. And you're doing that joke. Oh, the joke you don't like. He does this joke about being a waiter. And it's very funny. And he's one of my favorite comedians I've ever met in my life.

But he's never weighed tables in his life. I have waited tables. And so for him to be like, you waited tables like as like a kid. In high school. In high school. Not for like your life. And so he's like,

oh, I was a waiter for, what's the joke? Do you want to do it? No, that's exactly what I don't want to do. Watch the, it's, the joke is I was a waiter for, it's an acting joke,

a method acting joke, a waiter for 12 years. Oh, I've seen this joke. This is a good joke. It's a great joke. Thank you. Early joke, too. But having waited tables for 10, 15 years, I'm offended. Oh, sure. I'm offended. And I'm glad you're bringing this up so that you get

in front of this before the New Yorker writes an article about this one joke. Yeah, about the one joke. It's an emotional truth. It's an emotional truth. No, I waited in high school, bambouillet. It's an emotional truth. I waited in high school. Bambouleh. Listen, this is real. Sounds like a restaurant. Bambouleh.

And then I did, and I think this counts. I think I get to double this one. It was called Mimi's and then it became Stars and it was a singing waiter job. I think the humiliation and the degradation of that, I get a little bit extra.

Yeah, sure. Cold Stone Creamery. Those people get three jobs. Yeah. Yeah. They don't do it anymore, though. Do they stop? They don't sing and you put a tip in.

They don't go, we got a tip. No, that doesn't happen anymore. What happened? I don't know. Are you sure? It might just be New York. That's true. You're right.

You're right. I mean, it could easily be happening somewhere in Wisconsin. But the last time I was in a Cold Stone Creamery, it was not nice. And they blended it with another business. You know, like Baskin Robbins and- Oh, yeah. Which one did they- I don't know.

Burger King? I think it's a soup. I think it's soup. Oh, no. Wait. We'd have to look't know, but I think it's a soup. I think it's soup. Oh, no. Wait. We'd have to look it up. Like a Hale and Hardy? Yeah, like a Hale and Hardy. Yeah, it's like something like that. Oh, that's really hard to hear.

Oh, my God. Hmm. Soup or ice cream? I don't know which one. Wow. Well, that's really exciting. I think you should do something to celebrate. I think so, too. Just even if you're not doing a watch party, I think you should do something to celebrate. I think so, too. Just even if you're not doing a watch party, I think you should do something to mark it. What do you do when

you have... Do you do a thing when you have something airs? If I want to celebrate something, what I'll do is I'll go to Finelli Cafe. What's that? It's a bar in Soho, and it's just a great... It's kind of, the food is bar food.

But it's still like maybe $2 more than you think it should be. But it's pretty good. And good french fries. Really reasonably priced drinks. Really dim. Dim light. Your celebrations are about being affordable. Yeah.

Now, if you're celebrating, how many people are you bringing? Is it just boyfriend? Is it just... Maybe one, maybe two. Not a great big thing. Because then, you know, you have to coordinate with people. And then someone's like, I'm running late. You're like, but I have a table.

They're going to get mad at me. You can't do that. Not on your day. But I think that it's nice to have some place in New York that you go to that's like, oh, this is celebration mode. Do you have that? Do you have that? I think I do, actually. What's yours?

There's a restaurant that my wife and I go to called Pepe Gallo on the west side. And it's just really good. And it's good Italian. And it's kind of one of our first dates was there and we like mark things there. Oh, sure. Yeah. But I think she's right.

Like, get a martini, you know, like something that makes you feel good, makes you feel fancy for like an hour. Oh, I went to a place once that had a mozzarella

caprese cocktail. Wild. What do you mean? Like cheese, tomato, and basil in a drink. But it was clear. Wild. What do you mean? Like cheese, tomato, and basil in a drink. But it was clear. Whoa. The essence of caprese.

But it was alcohol. Yeah. Amazing. Really fun to do that. That sounds good. I'll go track that down. Just have one and be like, good, we marked it. We should figure something out.

It's tomorrow? No, it's tonight. Oh, it's tonight. Oh, wow. I don't know. Is it tonight in terms of when the podcast comes out or tonight in terms of when we're recording it? No, no, the Netflix. Yes.

What did you... Well, this episode comes out in a few weeks. Oh, in a few weeks. Oh, it is a while ago. It's already been released. It wasn't prioritized in the algorithm. No one saw it. I saw no change in ticket sales. I think it's going to be huge. It's tonight, tonight.

Tonight, tonight. Yeah. Oh, that's really exciting. Yeah. You see, but then here's the whole cycle. And now I feel bad and I'm like, oh, I wasted the good thing. You can still go out on. The good thing was when it happened.

You know what I mean? Yes, yes, yes. When it airs, like, I feel like it must be weird when you're an actor and you go to do movie premieres eight months, a year later, and you're like, this is a long time. And everyone's like, congrats. And you're like, it wasn't recent. But I think that you have tomorrow. Tomorrow you should go get a little nice cocktail. Sure.

I think she's right, man. I think you should listen. I think she's teaching you how to enjoy the good things for a second. I don't know how to enjoy the good things. I'm telling you things I don't know. Oh, okay. It's like you do. I think you should listen. I think she's teaching you how to enjoy the good things for a second. I don't know how to enjoy the good things. I'm telling you things I don't know. Oh, okay. It's like you do. You have a whole plan.

You get Caprese martinis. I don't get that. I just told you about it. You just saw it and you're like, someday I should do that one day. I'm not drinking these. I drink milk. Wait, what did you do the night you shot it? Oh, that's a good question.

The night I shot it. Did you shot it? Oh, that's a good question. The night I shot it. Did you actually celebrate? They had the Netflix party, and they had little hamburgers, and I ate with the bread. Oh, good for you. Good for you. Good for you, bubba. That's really great. For me, celebration, it's either it's very drunk, usually just very high, and like shitty food.

That's what I do. Greasy? Greasy, greasy, bready, fries. McDonald's to me would be a great, and I would do it after every time I would have like a taping. And I'd go, oh, fuck it all. You should watch it tonight with fucking McDonald's and your girl. Just you, Tova, McDonald's. Oh, that's fun.

That's good. That's fun. This is the downside. This is a place where we let people be pessimistic, negative, complaining, kvetchy, whiny. We're not. We're not. We're happy.

This is tough. We're happy. You're happy and then you'll say something so deeply fucked up that you'll go, I'm trying to get into a negative mood. Okay. I'm trying to be there. We'll get you there. I'll do a prank in a couple minutes and then you'll say something so deeply fucked up that you'll go, oh my God. I'm trying to get into a negative mood. Okay. I'm trying to be there. We'll get you there.

I'll do a prank in a couple minutes and then you'll start screaming at me. I fucking hate your pranks. This is a place where we don't have to pretend that we're thankful for anything. We can explore. And if you're a fan, join the Patreon. Patreon.com slash downside bonus episodes, live episodes, and my special, The Rats Are In Me. Did we talk about the prank on this podcast before?

The what? The prank that got you so mad? Sure. I did a couple pranks for our sketch team. I did it twice, I think, where like right before the show, this was that time where you could text a picture of a positive COVID test, and that's all you needed to say. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. And I did it right before I walked into the rehearsal room. And Douglas, oh, man, you yelled. I really yelled. You yelled. It made me think of my dad. It was just... It made me think of my dad. It was really...

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. You seem to have a good family. Oh, thanks. Just based on the fact that just knowing what i know about your dad i uh siblings i have a brother yeah and he's got kids and he just got three kids and and a wife and he lives in florida wow yeah moved to florida during the pandemic if you can believe it do you like being an aunt oh sure love being an aunt that Oh, sure. Love being an aunt. That's pretty fun.

I did just go home for Thanksgiving and I brought my dog and the little one, the littlest nephew, he eats his dinner on the floor and he was eating his dinner on the floor. It was just like, just a plate of chicken fingers.

My dog just came in, ate the whole, my nephew's whole dinner. And my nephew just stared at him Just watched him do it I thought, what's going on here? He didn't cry? He was chill? Nope, he just watched him eat the whole dinner

Sure This was St. Louis? Yeah, St. Louis That's what's happening in St. Louis Do you buy Because you're an uncle I would kill to be an uncle. You'd have siblings?

I have four younger half-siblings. Okay. So really it's your job to make them all aunts and uncles as the oldest. I disagree, but I don't think it's ever going to happen. Okay. I don't know. I don't think any of them. I don't know. We're all

from the same Monster My mom does listen Not you mom Everyone in my family is a monster Except for my mom I ask her every time How do you have all these monsters around you We're all monsters

Not her She's an angel That's nice But we're all monsters. Yeah. She was good to you. That's why we're monsters. Because my mother read books about how to imbue children with confidence.

Oh, my God. And now me and my sister are fucking crazy monsters. We're confident monsters. What book is this? I don't know. She felt she didn't grow up with enough confidence. And so she read these books about how to instill confidence in your kids. Like Green Eggs and Ham?

Has it changed? And he goes, no, I don't want to eat it, and I know what I want. Yeah, yeah. That's the end of the book. Totally, totally. I don't know. Little tricks, little things about how to prop your kids up. But now we're like, Mom!

We're so cool. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. we're like, Mom! We're so... Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. We really turned on her. We really turned on her. Do you bring presents for your nieces and nephews? I stopped bringing presents.

Just money tight? No, I just... I don't think that it's too much stuff, and then they got to pack it. I don't think they want presents, to be honest. I think they like surprises, but I don't think they're into presents right now. I send them presents for their birthday. Sure.

For the holidays. Yeah. Surprises. Surprises. They like surprises. Like the dog ate your dinner. Surprise. Surprise.

What about you? What's the older Electra? Yeah, yeah, yeah Electra Yeah, I get her I mean, she's eight now So you can get her like

I got her like a diary Oh, that's good Like super secret Electra's super secret So she can talk shit About your sister Yeah, so she can like You know, well just

I think it's I want to be the uncle That promotes self-expression Oh, sure You know I'm the artist uncle, right? I'm the only uncle Well, no I'm not be the uncle that promotes self-expression. Oh, sure. You know, I'm the artist uncle, right? I'm the only uncle. Well, no, I'm not her only uncle.

There's her father. But like, you know, I'm the one that's like, eh, around. Yeah. You got the molesty uncle, the self-expression uncle. You chose the other. Not traditional. Yeah, not traditional. I chose the other one.

Yeah. Oh, I would buy presents. Big ones. My sister would get mad at me. Say, what the fuck is this Lego set? I'd be like, deal with it. It gets old and you see how a child goes, oh my god, thanks and then moves on in seconds. Yeah, it's pretty quick.

Yeah. I had to go through a lot of my mom, she's always warning me she's going to die.'s gonna die like this is a big she's always like i'm gonna die and i'm always like please stop telling me this but she's always like i'm gonna die so you better come clean out the house and so she did that this time and we cleaned out the house and i went through all these she'd saved so much stuff like from my childhood and it was like really i don't know if you've read like report cards

or anything like from your youth it's really disturbing to see like the the blueprints like how like oh my god i'm still the same way what did what did what did you say well like one of them i was like writing a note i guess there was a lot of journaling exercises in school and like one of them was like talking about how i lost a tooth and i was like i lost a tooth there's still a piece of skin i can feel the skin and it was like stop talking about this but it was like so detailed it was like there's a little hole and the skin is wiggly and i was like i just was like why i don't but then there was like a report cards that were like, like, Joanna really likes adults. She only really likes adults.

She's really, we encourage her to talk to children, but she's not really into talking to children. It's like, you know, it's, I'm sure it's the same way now, but it's really, it was kind of like, I don't, if you've ever looked through your old stuff. It's really, it's not good. Do you remember feeling that way when you were younger? Like, I don't like any of these kids. I like the adults. I think I remember thinking, oh, the adults, my friends. And then it's like these, and then the children were just kind of, yeah. There's moments that, like speaking of Thanksgiving, there was, I went to my uncle's, and there was a kids' table and the adult table,

and I was still at the kids' table, but my cousin, who's the same fucking age as me, was at the adult table, and I said, we are making a statement here, and I'm taking it personally. But you wanted to be with the kids. No, you know what? I didn't. You didn't?

I don't know. Were they served different food? Yeah, just like our turkey was pre-chopped. Yeah, yeah. Someone came over to feed it to us. St. Louis, there's not a lot of, are there a lot of Jews in St. Louis? Jews? Jews.

You're Jewish. Yeah, there's Jews. There are. There's some Jews. Were you raised religiously? There's Jews. There are. There's some Jews.

Were you raised religiously? We went to Sunday school and stuff, but I wouldn't say that it's a very religious household. But we used to celebrate some of the holidays. Yeah. I don't know some of them. Some of them still don't know Tu B'Shvat. What is that? I don't even know what that word was. Yeah.

I was raised more Jewish than you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I was raised Catholic, but my father's Jewish. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah No, I was raised Catholic But my father's Jewish Okay Yeah, yeah, yeah So I'm Jewish Okay, well together Both?

Yeah Both if you can believe it Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah Wow So What was that holiday you just said? You said you don't know what it is

But you did know the name I just know the name It kind of stays with It stays with me You know Like you know Little expressions That kind of stay with you

Uh-huh like like one time i had when my nephew was really young my oldest one he we asked him what he wanted for breakfast he was just waking up and we said you want you want pancakes you want eggs and he goes eggs and then we said one egg two egg he goes one egg and that that one egg really stuck with me i'll say that forever one egg just like when you're by yourself yeah one egg is actually a jewish holiday as well nice uh you you talk about food deeply in your in your act and you're you are like in my mind like like an alt Jim Gaffigan. And your ability to find. I've never written a thing about food, period.

Ever. Really? And we both eat it. Yeah. And I'm like, what is different? I tried thinking of one recently. Of a food joke. Some foods.

Sorry to pitch on the pot. Do it, do it. Some foods, when they go bad, they let you know. The avocado says, hey, this isn't going to be good. It's the wrong color.

Okay, I'm with you. I'm with you. And then other foods, like an apple, it's like, yeah, I'm good. No, I'm not. Okay that's that's the first time i've ever thought of anything about food i think you got something that was good i think i've seen

there but i'm so uncomfortable because i'm literally like it's it's and i i love it i love good food humor but i think whenever i think of it i'm like no that's i'm i'm personifying the food i'm anthropomorphizing yeah sure the food no not necessarily it's just new oh it's new yeah well i think have you tried it no i'd be i'd be like more more scared to do that than like a joke about israel right now have you but you don't you okay can I've never I would I've never Truly And I No I was joking

But I I would feel nervous To tell that joke Because I think the audience would go That's not an observation Worthy of saying out loud Wow Well okay

So listen So I got an email About this Podcast Right And then I thought And then I And then Paige emailed me about it uh-huh and then

page at the bottom the signature of her email she has your website uh-huh so i went to your website oh my god okay this is great okay and i looked and you are touring i can't even imagine what you're doing airplanes yeah it's so much and i'm like okay so he's doing like an hour a night i'm assuming it's an hour and then i was thinking is he doing the same hour or is he fitting in new little stuff about fruits and about you know about foods and stuff is that that's what i was wondering as it how firm is this hour because this then I thought, how is he doing this every night, this hour? It's about as firm as an avocado that's gone bad. Wow.

It is loosey-goosey. Okay, so you got room. It is. Oh, yeah. You got room to try. I'm pushing. I'm pushing. Good.

15 hour and a half. Oh, my gosh. Wow. Yes. So I should explore some food. That's amazing. Yeah, you got room to skip it in there. Wow.

I can't believe that you got a soft hour and a half. That's incredible. That's amazing. I was like, what? Looking at this, I thought, oh my gosh. I don't know how he's doing this. I don't know how you do it. I don't either.

I truly don't. Some of these places I'd never even heard don't yeah some of these places i'd never even heard of and some of these places i'd heard of and i thought okay that one's tough to get to it's gonna be tough to get just two planes and then some of these places i thought i i don't know how he's doing this how did you ever do the tour thing not that much do you what do you do you got a spreadsheet of food of restaurants oh of Oh, you mean for the tour, when I go on tour? My old manager, whoever set up the advance, would send like three restaurants to check out.

That's great. And new. Not happening. Wow. Not there. But they're great. They're great, and they listen. I feel you got a hand computer that can do that really easily.

It's tough sometimes. My frustration with food on the road is everyone suggests, everyone's like, oh, you've got to try this, is the most unhealthy thing in the entire world. And I think when you're doing it as often, I have to maintain a regular life most weekends. I can't be every Saturday getting the chocolate fountain fondue cold store creamery slash Hale and Hardy soup special. Yeah, I understand that. How much did you do the road? Did you ever lean in more so?

I did six cities. I thought, I'm exhausted. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. Because then they'd say, okay, you did six cities. I thought, I'm exhausted. I couldn't do it. Then they'd say, okay, you did this one, next one, you really don't have any tickets sold. I said, please don't tell me that. I just did one. I'm not really made for the road, I don't think.

It's like a lot of driving and a lot of logistics that I, quite frankly, it's not really my strong suit. That's brutal. I feel, because I'm not the most organized person in the world. And you don't drive. And I don't drive. He doesn't drive.

I don't drive. How do you get to some of these places? Wait, but you have a license, right? I have a license. And all that means is that in 2006, I parallel parked successfully on the fifth drive. Can I pitch something to you, though? When you go to these smaller cities, the driving would be so easy. It'd be a great way to bone up on your driving.

Oh, my gosh. What a friend. Isn't that true? Like, you're in these places where no one's around. Better bone up. You can bone up on that driving. Are you a good driver? I'm boning up every day.

Are you? I just drove recently. Because you're about to go into driving. Oh, believe me, I know. It's okay. That light just disappeared. That light just disappeared. A shock of anxiety goes through my mind.

I'm like, what happened? Okay, just the light. Wait, so are you a good driver or are you confident? I'm okay. You're going to have a car in LA? I got to buy a car. Okay. Nice car.

Is it going to say at midnight on the side? Yeah, I think so. At midnight? Yeah, they're giving me a branded car. That'd be great. If I drive. Red Bull at midnight. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I will die in a car And they'll trace it to this moment That's hard to keep in mind I'd say that when you keep that in mind It's hard not to believe it's gonna happen If I I wanna put this on the record right now If I die in a car crash

Oh, God Douglas has to speak first for the eulogies Oh, wow And he has to Do your act Do my whole act. And not the hour. The hour and a half

with the new food material that has not been perfected yet. Oh, my God. That reminds me of, you know, Russell, the actual co-host here. Russell always says that, like, if and when he dies,

he wants somebody to go up there and say, Russell didn't want to die. He wants everyone to be clear that, like, this is not what he wants. This is not happy. Oh. He wants it to go up there and say, Russell didn't want to die. He wants everyone to be clear that this is not what he wants. This is not happy. Oh. He wants it to be clear. I love that little bit about him.

You tried. There was a moment where we did a show, and you played the band for me, and you tried out a new stand-up bit that involved food. Do you remember that? About the onions and the YouTube video and the ads. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. You want me, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

You want me to go for it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't like these things that are like you'll never believe what's about to happen. So I saw a thing that was like

he cuts up 12 onions. What happens next will amaze you. And so I'm like, okay. You're such a sucker. I'm intrigued. I'm intrigued.

And like I'm going through and it's one of those old school Facebook ones. So you're going through. He's cutting up the onions. You press next. Pop up. Okay. X out the pop up.

You know what I'm talking about. Really fucking spammy. He's going through it. He's cutting up the onions. He's sauteing. He made French onion soup. That's not. That's what you do with 12 onions. Like, fuck you.

That is so fucked. I was so mad. I threw my phone. I didn't throw my phone. I wish. And you tried it on stage. Yeah. It did not do well.

It was a bad show. That room was terrible. What room was it? It was the downstairs at the Soho Playhouse. Oh, yes. It's kind of cave-like. Yeah, it's brutal. There were six people there.

He hosted a show and then left. The bar is there? He hosted a show and then he left. We co-hosted, but I was just the musical accompaniment. You had to go to another spot. So you let the guests introduce each other? No, I had to

close out the show. John Marco's gone. He left. I'm sorry. Don't be sorry. This is what it's like Being your friend And it's nice I actually like it

It keeps things exciting Doesn't it It really does Yeah but that's That Soho bottom That's gonna be That's tough Yeah it's gonna be tough

That's tough I just realized That this has shoulder pads In it Oh yeah Cute Does that mean That it's for ladies

I don't know what it means But the facts are I think that it's Kind of just of a time. It is. Yeah. I really like it. I have a shoulder pad coat, and every single member of my family was like, don't wear that coat.

Every single person told me a side said, you shouldn't wear that coat. Yeah? Yeah. Because it was... There was a time when... Because I remember growing up, my mom, there were shoulder pad things that were like inserts. Yeah, people don't like shoulder pads. There's shoulder pads that people don't like shoulder pads.

There was a time. It's out of the fashion right now. But it'll be back. Does that mean that she had like little slots in her shirts? Little slots in the shirts. That was a thing like women were doing at the time. Yeah, like the power suit had like big shoulders in the 80s, 80s and 90s, right? And then what changed? I think big shoulders,

little waist. I think they wanted a triangle effect. Big shoulders, little waist sounds like a book. Yeah, like a book. It's one of your mom's confidence books. Big shoulders, little waist.

Big shoulders, little waist, big heart. Damn it. Speaking of confidence, you wore a back brace in school. I did. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Sorry to bring that up. Good research.

Yeah, wow. Why? Scoliosis? Scoliosis, yeah. But it did have a couple of holes, which was great. So it was, it kind of, it's like kind of, there was one hole in around the stomach area where kind of all of the, my, kind of all of the girth from my stomach kind of like just seep out, you know, like osmosis.

Uh-huh. Yeah, and then kind of the rest. Did the teacher bring you up like, class, let me explain to you osmosis. Joe, come to the front of the class. Look at that. Look at the skin.

And then it kind of pushed everything down and up. So it really did have kind of like a Victorian sex worker kind of look. Uh-huh.

Did it... Was it a bustier? Is that what it is? It kind of had a bustier effect. Yeah? Oh, really? Yeah.

And what grades were you wearing this? I'd say 7th and 8th. It's a little early for the bustier. The moment they start coming in, they're like... But that's got to be really painful. It was okay. You had to wear it 20 hours a day. So those four hours are precious.

When would you save those? Was it like school dances you'd save? Oh, sure. Yeah, real nice kind of moments like that. I would say that a lot of people wanted me to play Red Rover because I could barrel through young children's arms

with my plastic. Yeah, with the plastic shield. I remember playing that game and it was so much fun. You can only play it when you're so small you can't do real damage. Otherwise, it hurts. I think it hurts. But that seems like one of the things they'd have on ESPN8, just like grown men just breaking arms, shoulder socket.

That would be fun. There's slapping games. They have every kind of sport. The slapping is really it's scary to watch these guys get knocked out from getting slapped i don't like this i don't like no i'm not seeing this slapping competitions where you put your hands behind your back and each one get as hard as you can you put on powder yeah they're powdering up and the first person to like fall down it has it's got squid games vibes to me like like I don't believe anyone in the slap competition is doing okay financially and was like, oh, I also want to do this.

I think there are people that are willing to sacrifice their body. Yeah. Are you watching Squid Game Real? No. You are? Yeah. Are you into reality TV? Reality TV.

I will watch it. But the Squid Game Real makes me very sad. into reality TV? Reality TV. I will watch it, but I don't, the Squid Game's real makes me very sad. Well, someone, I saw something on Twitter today. They showed a video

of this guy who was doing the cookie one and it breaks and he like, you just see him like almost start having an anxiety attack

and they were saying it's not fun when you're like, oh, this person is in medical debt and that's why they need to win. It's fun when it's like, ah, $10,000.

I can buy a car. Now it's like I can pay off my house. It's millions of dollars. Oh, really? And $10,000 every time someone is eliminated gets added to the pot. Oh, my God. And then it's...

Okay, here's the thing that makes it good, okay? Is that they figured out A way to make it Exactly like the show It looks like the show So people are like Oh my gosh It's like the show It's like when you go

On a ride A Hogwarts ride Yeah yeah yeah You know We're like This looks like Hogwarts It does it does And I'd say that

The other thing That's really People like about it Is that there's Like there's like A mother son That are competing together People like that A lot Sure Sure Okay And then there's like there's like a mother son that are competing together people like that

sure sure okay and then there's like they're not all villains like there's like some people that seem very friendly and they intersperse it with kindly music kind of like which who's that director that does that a lot? Kubrick. Kubrick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kubrick put like happy music over scary things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure. They're borrowing a page from Kubrick. Oh, wow. You said there's like villains? There's villains. It would be funny if like Jeff Bezos competed too and he's like, I don't even need it. Yeah, I don't even need it. That would be fun.

What kind of villains? Or are they just like, they just say, I'm going to use this money to hurt people. Well, they're basically like people that are like, there's like cliques already because they all have to sleep in the same room. That's right. And there's like these exercise bros and there's like just people that, like there's like people that everybody decides not to like.

So you're not just watching the competition. You're watching them exist in this place as well. Yeah, it's pretty disturbing. Oh, wow. Yeah. I think that sounds good. I think I'm going to watch that. Would you do it?

No, I would not do it. This would be horrible for me. I would not like this. They say bedtime in five minutes. People haven't even brushed their teeth. Is there any show you'd do? Reality? Like, if you could separate, you know, from, you know, if you were on Survivor, people would go, oh, I guess at midnight didn't work out.

Like, if you could separate yourself from that. I would not be good at any reality show. I would not be good at any of them. Because I'm not going to edit well. Even this podcast is gonna be tough that's not true not gonna edit well it's tough i feel like survivor i think it would be hard to know if you were lying or not survivor's so hard i can't believe it we just watched the first episode i do this thing sometimes called pilot fest where we watch the first episode of a bunch

of different shows and figure out the best one. That's cool. You know what's a really good pilot? What? Cheers. Oh, for sure. Yeah. You know what's a really weird pilot?

Yeah. Rugrats. Oh. Very adult. Oh, yeah? It's like kind of more adult humor than anything else. I think that was just a different, because that must have been around Rocco's Modern Life. Uh-huh.

Did you watch Rocco's, because you're 45? Rocco's Modern Life is, like, dirty. Like, there's a lot of, like, double entendre that I'm like, it would be a scandal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my gosh. You got to watch Rocco's. What was your cartoons? Well, I did watch Doug.

Oh, Doug. And Rugrats. I did watch Doug. Oh, Doug. And Rugrats. I watched Rugrats. Yeah, those are good. But also like Looney Tunes. I felt like I was watching like Try to Take Over the World. What are the... Pinky and the Brain.

Pinky and the Brain. Wait, you know Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Uh-huh. Yeah. Do you know what that's about? Public transit in L.A.? Oh, really? It's about the freeway coming in.

It's about the loss of public transit in L.A. I didn't know that. Did you know? I couldn't believe it. The villain wants to make a freeway. Yeah. And it was, so it was anti-free, it was public. Yeah.

That's good. And look how that worked out. They made the freeway. How was Rugrats adult? Well, just like the jokes were all pretty adult. I was surprised. Are you afraid of the dark? Not a great

pilot. That show I couldn't watch very much because it would fuck me up. There was one episode where these kids, they play, there's like a pinball, this, uh, game place.

And the guy's like, don't play that pinball machine. And then they do. Of course. Of course. I'm like, oh brother, you just avoided to have a good day at the mall.

You should do a movie. You should write a movie where someone says, don't do this. And then they don't do it. And then it's just a quick movie. The whole movie. I avoid every, every,

the next day, it's always the newspaper. Like five kids go missing. I'm like, I knew it. And then just a quick movie. The whole movie I avoid every, the next day it's always the newspaper, like five kids go missing. I'm like, I knew it. I told them not to do it. And all my friends just keep dying around me and I'm always avoiding it. It's just follow the directions. Follow the directions.

I am afraid of the dark, so I stay in the light. Yes, of course. Did you see the trailer for the Thanksgiving movie? I almost vomited Me too I only watched it Because people were in it that I knew

And so I watched it And it was so fucking horrifying Screaming Oh god Screaming I hate scary movies I hate them so much I'm thinking about it now

And even though it's corny It's corny Like it's all Thanksgiving So a woman she does a Q-tip. No! Don't talk about it! And the guy pops up, takes those corn things and goes in both her ears. Oh, God.

That's in the trailer. That's what people, they don't even pay to see the movie. They gotta see that. And then there was like, there was a woman in a fucking oven in the trailer. And I was like, I don't want to see it for a second. I hate it. So, so much body horror. Well, my sister, she'll watch, like, she can watch that going to sleep. I don't want to see it for a second. I hate it. So, so much body horror.

Well, my sister, she'll watch, like she can watch that going to sleep. No. I'm like, you're crazy. Something's wrong with you. It's so scary. I have to, every time I see a trailer for a scary movie, I have to Wikipedia how it ends. Oh, really? I can tell you how Five Nights at Freddy's ends. What happens?

Do you want to know? Yeah, I do. Spoiler alert. There's no, my listeners are all cowards. Okay. Five Nights at Freddy's is, you know, the premise. It's... Like a Chuck E. Cheese.

It's a Chuck E. Cheese, but it's closed, and so they send a security guard there to, like, watch over. Based on a video game. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's all these children that have gone missing over the years, and the security guard, his brother, went missing, and then it turns out that all of Freddy's characters are inhabited by the ghosts and the security guard, his brother, went missing and then it turns out that all of Freddy's characters

are inhabited by the ghosts of the children and they're getting back because they were murdered and then they, it turns out that the,

yeah, the guy that killed him, he's, I think he shows up again or something. Wow. Yeah.

I think that would be a good, I think you should describe, I think you should up again or something. Wow. I think that would be a good... I think you should describe all movies. All scary movies. So that we can keep up with the conversation. You should do... You just go through the plot description very gently. No scary music. And let people know so they can have conversations about it.

I still think about... I watched Hereditary this... Oh, no. I couldn't even imagine. This Halloween, because Joanne really likes scary movies on Halloween. And Barbarian, can you imagine? Oh, Barbarian? What's that? Oh, I had to learn about that one through Wikipedia, too.

Please give us the show version. Yeah, the whole thing. Barbarian, it's like there's this basement, sub-basement, and people keep getting in there and dying. I think there's a creature. I'll have to re-look at the article, but it was pretty gruesome. You should pitch scary movies. Oh, sure.

Yeah. You know how they have like, it happened recently in D.C. They have shows where you have like a sign language interpreter on stage, like a horror movie, and then they can go in a little room to the side, and you just describe what's happening there in a not scary way. In a not scary way, because that's the thing. It's very soothing the way you talk. Oh, thanks. It's really...

I hate scary movies so much. Oh, my gosh. Can you imagine watching them at home? So scary. I saw... It was... I had a girl over. I think this was in high school. This girl I had a crush over I think this was like in high school

this girl had a crush on and we put on Final Destination the thinking was you'll both be scared and then you'll make out you'll cuddle up and make out and Final Destination is about death these people somehow they avoid death

and now death tries to kill them all first guy died and I went into my dad's room, and I said, hey, can you come in and say we're not allowed to watch this movie? And he was like, okay. And then I went back in the room, and he waited longer than I – I said wait a little bit so it's not obvious, but he waited longer than I... I said wait a little bit, so it's not obvious, but he waited even longer.

It got to the second death, and I was like, Dad, fucking get in here now. I'm having my existential crisis. And he came in, and he was like, What is this? Is this Final Destination? He knew it.

He knew it. Doesn't know the sketch team, but knows it. And then he said, I'm not in my house. And then he pulled out the VHS, and I was like dad what the fuck i love your dad now that was a nice move that's sweet it was a nice move listen yes kudos to to 1999 my father he must have felt so good what a cool thing to be able to do for your son and or anybody i don't know if he necessarily felt like proud of me during that moment,

though. He was, he probably was like, Jesus fucking Christ, my son. I think it's pretty, I think it's, I think it's like nice that you asked.

I would have sat there and just been like, I would have just been scared. I would have had nightmares. Shows creative thinking. Yeah, it does. It really does. Wow.

I've, I've known how to coward my way out of a situation early, early age. My dad, he actually just sent me, uh, I guess he was going through the basement as he does every, that's what my,

like every couple of months he's like, sends me random pictures and he's like, I was just going through the basement and it was from my fifth grade girlfriend. Uh, and by girlfriend, I uh sex yeah of course of course like i remember the end of the year we we hugged and it was like i i was like oh my god we hugged and the whole thing is summer came and when i didn't see we didn't go on dates so i was i i didn't know if we were still together and then like two months in the summer she gave me this postcard from from france and it just said hi are you having a good summer i am see you in six heart genevieve smart

and then it said p.s next year i will be at mr curry's and that was it and i remember getting this and going like well heart we're still together yes and i so i really liked her so first day of sixth grade i i went outside and there's some roses in the garden and i i plucked one rose i put it in a plastic bag. Did you put it in a bag? I didn't want to go into school walking around. You know what? At the Sharper Image, they have this thing right now that you can buy

that's a rose in a bell jar. It keeps the rose alive for 10 years. 10 years? Like Beauty and the Beast. like beauty and the beast in the beast yeah okay sorry keep going with your no i think i should have done that instead that would have been nice because this was like a safeway plastic bag and she was like avoiding me all day and then like she heard somebody saw one of her friends saw he's got a rose in a bag. You better steer clear. And she had, it was like I couldn't seem to get an answer out of her. So then a girl named Mallory came up and she was like,

so Genevieve just, she just thinks like, you know, new grade. She wants to, you know, see what's out there. And I went home and I, with my plastic bag, rose, and I cut it up. I got the kitchen scissors. I went in the back door. And I cut up the rose. And I remember even looking at

the postcard and just being like, well, then what the fuck was this shit? Yeah, of course. What was that heart doing there? Yeah, right. Could write from. Hasn't she ever heard of from? Yeah. Mixed messages.

Yeah, exactly. Sincerely, platonically. Pretty bold. Yeah. Your friend. First breakups. When I had a breakup in high school, I remember my girlfriend broke up with me, and I remember saying, like, wait, but we have vacation plans in a month. Like, in my mind, I was like, well, you can't.

You can't. You can't. We have vacation plans. Yeah, we're going to the Hamptons. Yeah, what do you have vacation? It was like with her family to Delaware. Whoa, whoa. That would have been a steamy trip.

Sorry she broke it up. Right? Did you have any breakups in middle school? I had a breakup. I got broken up with by the same boy every week in fifth grade. Every week he'd call me on Friday. He'd say, is Joanna there, please? And then I'd say, this is Joanna speaking.

He goes, Joanna, you're dumped. He'd say, you're dumped. And then I'd say, okay. And then Sunday he'd ask me to get back together. And then Friday would come along and then Sunday we'd get back together. He'd ask me to get back together. And then Friday would come along and I'd say we're going to stay together and then Friday he'd call and he'd say Joanna you're dumped. And then

I'd say okay. He must have had some wild sadness. He just weekend freedom. Yeah. So that happened about six or seven times in a row. Did you cut off the cycle or did he just one day One day I think he just said. You were done for good. Yeah, I really wasn't.

I don't think I was like with it enough to be like, let's cut off the cycle. Yeah. You know, I don't think that I had much to offer in terms of, you know. He's like,

it's weirdly Donald Trump. It's very like, you're dumb. You're dumb. You're dumb. You're dumb. Wait, where is this person now? I don't know where he is. Murderer. I don't know where he is. I wonder. You're dead. You're dumb. You're dumb. You're dumb. Wait, where is this person now? I don't know where he is.

Murderer. I don't know where he is. I wonder. You're dead. I killed you. The last time I checked on him, he was doing something with golf. But I haven't checked on him in a while. I got off all the apps.

Oh, really? Mm-hmm. I mean. You have a boyfriend now. Oh, sorry. Oh, you meant social media apps. I meant social media apps. That sounded like dating apps.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, two years in the relationship, I said, I'm done. I'm done with the casual dating. But yeah, I got off social media, so I don't know what anyone's doing now. Oh, yeah, I noticed. I was looking for you because I was listening to your voice all week. That I said weirdly before the show started. Yeah, love that.

But yeah, I got off. I don't know. My friend keeps saying it's a huge mistake. But who knows? You're doing great. You're doing well in LA. Isn't At Midnight, isn't part of At Midnight

that it really is like social media? Yeah. There were comedians when I first started who had big followings because of Twitter. Yeah. And the head writer doesn't even have... I'll get back on, okay? I'll get back on, okay? I'll get burner accounts, okay?

Which app would you get on? You get one. What's the one that calls to you? I think you gotta do TikTok. Sure. TikTok, Reddit. Love Reddit. I think Reddit is a wonderful place.

I don't know how to navigate it. No, no, it's really good. Yeah, by... Follow your heart. You say, listen, for me, I'm all about female fashion advice. Okay. Self-publishing.

That self-publishing, I could not tell you what's going on over there. I want to ask you about that. It is riveting. People are cutting each other down but lifting each other up. They're cutting each other down. They'll be like, listen, I wrote this tome. It's 100,000 words.

It's my heart. Nobody wants to publish it. Should I self-publish it? Can you read it? People read it. They say, this is awful. You need to cut it to 45,000 words stat. And then they say, really?

And they say, yes. But then it will be good. And then people really pay attention to each other, you know? Did you self-publish Murderer? I sure did, certainly. Heck yeah. Certainly did. Dude, I'm loving it.

I'm really enjoying it. No thanks. I did it. I self-published this book and then I was like, I was going to do a big book release. Book signing. Mm-hmm.

Okay? Books didn't arrive in time. Oh! Okay? So I had to cancel the event. Oh, man. This? Books didn't arrive in time. Oh! Okay? So, I had to cancel the event. Oh, man. This is after I got rid of social media. No way of telling other people.

No way to tell them. Okay? Whatever. So, then... Okay? So, then I'm really on the self-publishing company. I said, you need to get the books. You need to get the books here.

Okay? We got a rescheduled date. I need them. They're like, okay. And calm down i said no every day i call i said please this that people wanted by the book please this is it i call every day finally they send 50 books okay i said thank you i get to the book event you want to guess how many people came to this book event um eight no like hundreds like a lot three three people came to this book event we didn't know which way it was gonna be exactly we knew you'd

get screwed in the end yeah we're getting screwed sure three people they had leftover diet coke they had leftover sprite they opened the bottle of champagne Nobody drank it I thought this is really What have we done After all that I was so confident I said get those books Get those books in time You're on the phone Give me these fucking books

There's money on the table right now Three people come in How many of them bought a book They all bought books Not for me Imagine you're one of three and you're gonna be like i have to buy it i'm which you might these people all came in they people all looked around same exact scenario they all looked around they said is this is this happening are we really yeah no it's happening and this is i mean this this one guy came to the book event okay

one of three okay one guy came to the book event he okay? One of three. Okay, one guy came to the book event. He's like, I tried to go to your last thing. I did a show on a boat, okay? Mm-hmm. They put him on the wrong boat, okay? Once you get put on the wrong boat, they're not coming back for three and a half hours. Yeah. Okay?

Was this like a New York tour? Yeah, but it was a show on a boat. Yeah, a show on a boat. They put him on the wrong boat. Okay? He's on the boat for Klezmer music for three and a half hours. For Klezmer music? Yeah.

Wow. And then the next thing he goes to is this book event for three people. He's a real fan. You got to keep her right there. No, I think it's No longer a fan No longer a fan Two strikes and you're out Two strikes

When it comes to that Two strikes You're not getting Any more strikes But there's been Lots of ups and downs I would say that If you're gonna self-pub

I think you shouldn't Write a book Unless you get money for it I guess that's the thing Because there's too many Ups and downs It's too many ups and downs Yeah

Did you Have you shared that With the Reddit Being like hey guys We should scrap this whole enterprise. This whole thing. Are you an observer? Are you getting in there and typing things? No, I haven't gotten in there yet.

I should, I should, I should add my experience. What do they call them? They call them lurkers, right? Yeah, I'm a lurker. Yeah, yeah, lurker. I, to, if I were to ask someone to read my book, that's the favor I'm asking for. I remember I asked people to come to my play readings. And I was just like, I owe them big.

I owe a hundred people. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's what the special thing, that's what the acknowledgements in the back of the book are for. It's all those people that read your earlier drafts. Yeah. So you could put all three just on a little section there.

There you go. Yep. Yeah, go. Yep. But then it's just like you don't realize I just would not recommend self-publishing not one bit. Not one bit.

Why? You made a thing! Every search result has to do with Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah. The title Murder on Love Island, is that correct sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex island but that's the thing because he you know he has a sex island and then everyone asks if he's murdered yeah yeah so it's that i'm loving it i really like every single thing has to do with that or the Gigolo Beach. Gigolo Beach?

Gigolo Beach? Gigolo Beach. Gigolo Beach. With Gigolo Beach? Gigolo Beach. It's a reality show, right? No, no. The Gigolo Beach.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about? No. The guy that murdered the people. Oh. The most recent serial killer. Oh, from Long Island. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a lot of people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. lot of people were walking at a time. Yes. Who got caught, I think, with pizza? Yeah. Yep. Did he get caught with pizza? I think it was like

a DNA thing. They cross-referenced and it was from a pizza box. I think you're right. I guess, but wouldn't it be... That's what you're saying. If looking at a grander picture, wouldn't it be worse

if you were trying to research a murder and your book came up instead? So in the grand sense of things. Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah, I guess I'm messing up Jeffrey Epstein's search results. People looking to learn more about him feel bad. We can call him Jeff.

Jeff? Yeah, yeah. He's a Jew. We're all friends here. Isn't that tough? Really tough But he really did some wild stuff I mean, you watch that Victoria's Secret documentary?

He's a wild man Wait, Jeffrey Epstein? Yeah He did a lot of wild stuff Quite a character Had a couple quirks He's a quirky dude But that's, you know, that's Jeff Epstein.

He pretended to be a talent scout for Victoria's Secret. He pretended. Yeah. That's just the tip of the iceberg. We know. That was the worst thing he did. Giving people a hope that they were going to have a career. That's the part I connected to

the most of that whole circumstance. I think we can safely say that's the worst thing he did. Gut down. Did he kill himself or you think conspiracy? Gut down? Like, what's your gut say? Oh, is that Gen Z? I don't know. Oh, okay. Maybe. Let's make it.

I would say that there was maybe some conspiracy. I think. I think think i think so too i think prisons are are disasters there's a chance to kill yourself he probably didn't want to kill himself but he did it i think he did it wow at most at most i think uh a clinton or a trump or someone got the guard to turn the other way to let him do it. I don't think someone went in there and yanked it himself. Oh, sure.

Okay. Sure, yeah. He would want to kill himself. He lived a very big, big life. And then it was all going away. You know, I think that these, I think that you have to wonder what, you know, this guy really did a lot.

He's really busy. You know what I mean? Really did a lot. I don't think we need to make the record he's like the John Markle he's like John Markle with the touring you are the Jeffrey Epstein of comedy that's I think is what we're trying to say here and that's tough because you really gotta note

what time needs to be edited for sure just that little clip unless we keep referencing it which is what you shouldn't do. You know? Just that little clip that's cut out. And people never know what we were saying. What do you mean you're the Jeffrey Epstein of comics? I travel a lot.

You travel a lot? Jeffrey traveled a lot, too. And Jeffrey could drive. You can't even drive. I am so dreading groceries this week. Why? You can skip it. Oh, what? Just like that?

Just like that. How about dinner with my third cousin? Skip it. Prince Fluffy's favorite treats? Skippable. Midnight snacks? Skip. My neighbor's nightly saxophone practices?

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Let's call to our next segment. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. That was loud. Now, just so you know, it's 440. If you've got to run, run, let me segment. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. That was loud. Now, just so you know, it's 440. If you've got to run, run, let me know. I should be good. Okay.

Do you have a this has got to stop? This has got to stop. Yes. So this is something that I think needs to stop. Yeah. Yes. And we can go first if you want us to. Yeah, you go first.

You got a this has got to stop? Sure, yeah. I'm not happy with how everyone's been treating Lauryn Hill recently. You know how she's been getting stuff, they've been posting pictures of her concerts. What I've heard is that she comes out very late,

cancels, and recently cancelled the whole tour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Fuck You is what I think. I think she made one of the greatest albums of all time. And now the music business is such that you can't make money on these albums. We're paying $9 a month to listen to unlimited music. And so the record business is such that you have to tour.

But she probably doesn't want to. And fuck you. I'm Lauryn Hill. I'm Lauryn Hill. I'm Lauryn Hill. And all these other artists that have done way worse things, I feel like you're getting away with it. Two things. First, it depends what the ticket price is.

You can't say fuck you if you're fucking them first. And then I feel like there was one time where she came out late and said you guys are lucky I'm even fucking here at all. I think they are lucky. I think they're lucky. Lauryn Hill, fucking that thing, that thing.

Come on. Good voice. Fuck yeah, dude. No, you. Oh, thanks. But Lauryn Hill's even better. Oh, sure, sure. Lauryn Hill's.

We tried to get her to do this theme song I waited two hours for D'Angelo To come out for one of his concerts And I was lucky when he came out He came out and I was like Fuck yeah he came out thank god I think these are fucking geniuses So shut up

Okay Leave her alone Leave Lauryn Hill alone mom she she called me before i had these dc shows where i grew up in dc area and she said can you help can you help me my friends my friend bought two tickets to your show for 500 and and can't seem to move it or contact. And I was like, what did you say? $500? And she's like, yeah. He said he went online, searched your name, and paid $500.

And he called my mom and was like, your son's doing really well. Tickets for $500. What? And he must have gone. Like on StubHub? Like some scamming website. He actually did get tickets so i think they bought they bought it in advance they probably only bought two and they said there's no way

anyone's falling for this and someone did and he paid he paid 250 dollars he's ticket to see me and i was like i was like if you ever pay 500 to see me you've been scammed one way or another whether it was me or someone else but you get there and their seats are like on the stage. They're like really good seats. Yeah, you gotta give each of them a little kiss. Yeah, you should have. $500. Whoa. My this has gotta stop.

This happens every Thanksgiving. No one likes pita. No one likes pita. Like the bread? No, no, no. People. Oh, oh, oh. People forget what's available. Okay, sorry, sorry. Did you know I was talking about that? I kind of...

You went to food immediately, and you were about to go, pita bread's kind of soft. Take the words right out of my mouth. Yeah. Pita bread's kind of soft. Should I really try that food bit? Yeah, I think so I think also I think also

I am so fucking nervous I think you can Put it in like a parenthesis Of like, by the way I'm gonna do some food bits for you And then like A little food bit section And then be like

Alright, now I'm done with that shit And I'm done with that forever Yeah, exactly Do a couple examples Banana That's gonna tell you Egg Who the fuck knows

Exactly I got an egg In the fridge And I went like this And it was like It was a clunk It rattled Yeah

And I was too scared To break it open There's a penny in there I thought it was gonna be Like a full chick Whoop Whoop Whoopie

Whoopie So speaking of that PETA PETA People get mad at PETA I know PETA Like someone said. People get mad at PETA. I know PETA, like someone said something. They said they were saving some dogs and they put them down.

I don't know. But overall, when people get mad at PETA, I think it's because they know deep down in their soul that what PETA stands for is correct. We are human beings who should have the wherewithal and willpower to not eat meat, and we do, and we feel deep guilt about it, and it's hard to really believe in morality in any sense when you're willing to put conscious creatures through such pain.

Instead of confronting that fact, we go, Peter, you stupid comic. Just admit that Peter makes you feel bad And you're not good So that's my Wow

So Peter is like the annoying kid that brings up Like the Inconvenient truth Like in class We don't want to think about that And instead people are going like Oh you're stupid So I feel you peter

that i used to follow when i was on instagram i used to follow the cdc and whenever they post anything people get so mad they get so mad i never seen the comment section so full of vitriol yeah well because they would say before covid say before COVID, they'd say, if you're going to go to the movie theater in December, maybe wear a mask. And now they say the same thing and people go,

you fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's what they're supposed to say. That's what they're supposed to say. That's what the CDC... That's their job. People tell you

to put a seatbelt on. We don't do it. But that's what they're supposed to say. You know, there's a new thing called the New York twist. No. What is it? What is it? It's a new thing. You know, there's a new thing called the New York Twist. No. What is it?

What is it? It's a new thing. They say, twist to put the seatbelt on. Twist to look out the window when you're opening the car door. Twist? Twist to look out for bikers. Oh, it's like a fun little, it was like a fun little thing to try. Marketing.

Yeah, marketing thing. People will not kill bikers to plug in their seatbelts. Do they say it fun like you just did? Yeah, the New York twist. And they got the chubby

checker in the background. Do the New York twist. Yeah. I like that. Me too. It's good for kids. Well, it only featured adults in the ad, but

yeah. And that's like our tax dollars. That's what's crazy. It's like, that's money right there. We got to do the New York twist we gotta put it in the budget

that kind of thing do you have a this gotta stop I guess I just yeah I guess I gotta do this gotta stop I'll say this the way the way

we cower to Trader Joe's. Okay? That place doesn't make sense to me. Preach. I don't understand it. It's pandemonium. People are losing their minds.

They get in there. They see the friendly signs. They lose all sense of dignity. They're cutting in line. They just put a cart there. Leave their child there. They see the friendly signs. They lose all sense of dignity. They're cutting in line. They just put a cart there. Leave their child there. Go get, you know, go grocery shopping for 45 minutes.

Child's there alone. Surrounded by gold coins filled with chocolate. Hell yeah. Whenever I go there, I just end up with snacks. I never end up with real food. Of course you don't. It's like, where's the real food? I don't know

It's like the most delicious Almonds I've ever tasted But like There's no fucking broccoli So much stuff is pre-made there And there's one near me That now when I go to A regular grocery store

It's like if I went to A furniture store And it was just Two by fours Yeah And I'm like I don't know what to do With any of this I go to a furniture store and it was just two by fours. And I'm like, I don't know what to do with any of this. I go to grocery stores now I'm overwhelmed

by the number of things. I'm like, can someone put it in a bag? And I just shake it and open two things and it's done. That's what I did last night. I went to Trader Joe's last night. Dinner, I opened six plastic bags. I put

everything into the bowl. That was dinner. Delicious? It's okay. No, but you think it's good, but you didn't have the reward. You didn't do enough to make it feel like you're a cook, you know this. Totally, totally. But I don't want to be snobby about it.

Also, Trader Joe's, they got us in originally because they had a lot of samples And then COVID They got rid of all the samples Because that's how COVID spread The free samples And now they don't really come back They kind of brought back

Like one station Let's bring it all back Biden's America I want to be able to go to Trader Joe's And have my full meal And leave Whoa Without buying anything

A lot of little cups That's going to be tough Fuck you Trader Joe's Fuck you Trader Joe's Final segment and leave without buying anything. A lot of little cups. That's going to be tough. Fuck you, Trader Joe's. Fuck you, Trader Joe's. Final segment. You better count your blessings. Really good.

Sometimes I listen to your podcast just to hear if somebody, if the guest comments on the music. I'm not proud of it, but I do. I'm like playing basketball and I'm like, let's see if anybody comments about anything. We're a review-based society. It was even cooler in the beginning when this was a real piece of shit, like this podcast, like it was in like a TV room because nothing was up to snuff.

And then we put on this like incredible theme music. And they're like, oh, wow. You got all these buttons. Yeah, now you got buttons. Amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have a blessing? I gotta think of a blessing.

Yeah, tonight we're about to put up our Christmas tree and do all the Christmas things. And so I'm really excited to spend that time with Joanne and do that. That's my blessing for today. Boom. I'll add on that. Tova once told me a long time ago,

she was like, something about having a Christmas tree would feel strange to her. And not necessarily like, I think for her, not celebrating Christmas in a Chabad community, that was part of her identity. So it felt strange.

And then the other day I said, hey, what if we got a Christmas tree? And she was like, oh, goddammit. She said I was going of her identity. So it's kind of strange. And then the other day I said, I said, hey, what if we got a Christmas tree? And she was like, oh, goddammit. She said I was going to surprise you and get a Christmas tree. Oh, that's nice. And yeah, it definitely feels, my first time as an adult for sure on my own getting a Christmas tree.

Yeah. On my own place. So that'll feel. It's nice. It smells good. Yeah. That'll feel like the final straw of me becoming estranged from my father so that's a blessing um joe okay i'll say this

i'm a pretty negative person okay really negative really anxious okay okay always if you tell me something i'll say this is how this is this is how I'm going to die. Okay? If I'm around a negative person, I become so positive. Okay? So I am grateful for negative people because they bring out the damn best in me.

I was on the airplane yesterday. My boyfriend was in a bad mood, and I was like, it's okay. Look at this. We can play games on the airplane yesterday. My boyfriend was in a bad mood. And I was like, it's okay. Look at this. We can play games on the notebook. We played that dots game where you try to make cubes. Yeah.

That took 45 minutes. Uh-huh. I love negative people. And does he go, yeah, you're right. Or does he go like go do you go yeah you're right or is he go like he's like okay fine and then you know and then you know if he gets in too good of a mood then i'll then you get to dip then you get to dip a little seesaw yeah but i love negative i love it that That sounds like a good relationship. Sure, yeah. A little back and forth. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. This is coming out December 12th. Is there anything you want to plug? Is there anything I want to plug?

I don't think I have anything to plug. I guess you could get the book. You could always get the book. Yeah, plug your book. You could always get the book. It's good. I'm enjoying it. I'm having a great time it i'm having a great time

i'm having a great time with it so glad murder on sex island you can or you can order it and you can enjoy it and you you did you did the whole audiobook yeah i did that for free so you know that is kind of that was kind of not super smart but i guess that's you could get that you could read the book for free on an audio book, or you could buy the book. My version of a self-publishing like niche. I, there was a time where the acting was not going well and I decided to try to

get into doing audio books on your own. Yeah. And that's like one of those communities where like, it's nice and supportive until you ask like a question that you should know about garage band. And then they were vicious. Ooh. Oh, jeez.

I bet. But that's good. So, yes, check that out. And then at midnight, this is very exciting. Yeah, it'll be coming on the air in January. Wow. Replacing Cordon. Amazing.

If you can believe it. Yeah, and no one else will plug that, so good thing you're plugging it here. Yeah, I'm glad I'm plugging it. They said, can believe it. Yeah, and no one else will plug that, so good thing you're plugging it here. Yeah, I'm glad I'm plugging it here. They said, please plug it. No one will know. Three people at the book signing. It's at a little station, CBS.

Well, if you like negative people, good luck in LA, because that's all fake positive. Oh, no. I'm going to get so negative. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah. Well, anything you want to plug?

It'll almost be Christmas. Be sure to get those presents for people. What did you just say? It'll be almost Christmas. I'm plugging Christmas. Be a Jew. Would you stop it? No, no, no. Plug Hanukkah.

Plug Hanukkah. Well, then get eight presents. No, you can follow me at TheDouglasG to see some characters and comedy things. And follow at Uncle Function, our sketch group, which we are really good. Best sketch group

ever. You hear that, Dad? Follow. It's called Uncle Function. That's right. Me, I will be in memphis december 14th uh that's where my girlfriend's family lives uh so come check that out and then i'll be in janesville wisconsin december 15th and 16th and then philly december 28th through the 30th got a silver lining here in new y. New material, December 27th. I have another club that I'm not promoting yet because another comedian wrote me. They said, hey, I saw you're doing this club.

I was supposed to do it this week. The owners lost the lease, but they're still selling tickets to the show. So investigating that one. Uh-oh. Not going to say it just in case it's still on the books. Sure. But I'd be fine to not fly, you know?

Oh, yeah. Because that Delta lounge, talk about food. I mean, let's get some greens in that Delta lounge. Uh-oh. What do greens talk like? I mean, Delta, they think the rainbows

are Roy Biv. Where's the G there, guys? And I want to know what food is violet. This is The Downside. One, two, three. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside.

With Gianmarco Ceresi.