The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #179 My Mother’s My Queen with Sebastian Conelli (Patreon Exclusive)

Episode Date: January 5, 2024

Comedian Sebastian Conelli joins us for a live Patreon exclusive to share the downsides of growing up in Staten Island, teaching Gianmarco improv, getting beat up by a bouncer, and finding out the red stain in your apartment floor is where the former tenant died. Join the Patreon to watch and listen to the full episode! Plus, get early access to episodes and exclusive bonus content like this. Watch the episode clip HERE! Follow The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi on Instagram Get tickets to our live podcast recording in NYC on January 8 here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/743999631927 Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Shop at Sephora today. Limitations apply. Must be a beauty insider. See terms at sephora today limitations apply must be a beauty insider see terms at sephora.com for complete details do you ever get mad at your mother because you and i are very different we are you you will not say your mom without saying she's an angel as a little epithet in between you say it all the time my mother my queen, and one day I'll meet my princess. What do you want me to do? My father, everything he says, he goes, I'm your father, but you love your mother. My mother was texting me the other day because I didn't talk to her for one full day. And I said, Mom, I texted.

She goes, but your voice. But I need to hear your voice every day. I just hear my dad in the background. Please, for my sake, call your voice. But I need to hear your voice every day. I just hear my dad in the background, please, for my sake, call your mother. And I love my mother. My mom is, but my mom doesn't do manipulative stuff like that. Does she, she like comes to your

improv shows? No, I'm an embarrassment. Really? Yeah. We keep it separate. Don't feel bad. It's a great arrangement. She doesn't want to be there. I don't want her there. She doesn't come to any of the improv shows. She went once and she goes, she said like this.

She goes, everyone really loved you. Oh, my God. So why am I going to bring her to that? And you know what? She's right. Everyone did love me. Sure. Don't clap for me.

The most pitiful thing ever. I'm getting applause for an old improv show that my mom didn't think was funny. Fucking kill me. Well, that's like, I always say, my mom, she does come to my comedy shows. And at the end of every comedy show, she'll always say, you were the funniest one. And then she'll turn to me and be like, let's go. My mom also is close. My mom's in Staten Island. I'm in Brooklyn. say you were the funniest one and then she'll turn to me and be like let's go my mom also is close my mom's in Staten Island I'm in Brooklyn so my mom all right I'll just say my mom does my laundry okay yeah yeah really I don't

know a lot of Queens that do the laundry. Well, you want to know the real deal. My mom drives to Brooklyn, picks it up, drives home. No. And then my father does it. No. Yep, single. Wait, first off, I don't have laundry in the building. And secondly, I got in a big scandal with my local laundromat.

What happened? They lost half my clothes. And I said, you lost half my clothes. They said, no, we didn't. I said, what are we going to do about this? They said, I don't know. Stop coming. Oh, my.

Okay. So you do drop-off laundry. I do drop-off. I can't fold. Sure. Listen. Look at these hands. I remember the first time I started doing drop-off and I said, we're never going back

to this original thing. No, you can't. No. No. No. Did you ever been to New York? Yeah. Well, I did, yeah, in the first couple years, but then I did drop-off and now I have it in the building. Can I tell you, one time, this was the last time I did drop-off laundry. This was before weed was fully legal,

I think. Sure. So I had a little bag of weed and I put my clothes in the wash. So I had a little bag of weed, and I put my clothes in the wash. I forgot to check the pockets, you know, because that's why I need a mom to do my laundry. And so the wash goes, I swear to God, the bag of weed in the locked laundry, it comes out of the bag. Because of the mass of the bag,

it goes right in the middle of this laundry thing. And as it's spinning around, it's a bag of weed just right there, facing the street where all the cops are. Did you cover it with your hand? I didn't know what to do. I just stood to the side. If the cops came

I'd be like, who's that? Laundry over there. He ran away. And I just had to wait like 38 minutes because you couldn't open it. It's locked. It's the rules. It's like a plain door. It's closed until it's there, you know? And I thought that's when I thought I'd go to jail

somehow. Wow. We grew up different, bro. I once swallowed three Perk 30s because I thought cops were following me. And the audience goes, Oh, he lived a hard life. What did you say about my mom? Oh, my God.

What the fuck did you say about my mother? Don't make me take my shirt off, okay? Oh, wow. First off, you don't know anyone's experience as a child, so don't say that, okay? Sure, sure. You don't know what people experience. We'll get into it.

I grew up in a beautiful home in a horrible place. But yes, I am privileged. Now, Russell, your mom, because I think it's very interesting. Your mom seems very loving but doesn't understand your work. Not at all. Not at all. Your mom seems to enjoy your work.

She goes to the shows. She comes. Yeah, she goes and she enjoys it and she says nice things. Well, you're on Broadway. Well, I'm a standby on Broadway. So I had one line when she saw me on Broadway because I was filling in. But, like, you know, she didn't see me filling for Josh Gad. When she compliments you, do you feel like she sees you?

Or do you think she's saying what, like, she's supposed to say as a nice mother? I'm more the latter, I think. You know, because, I mean, but, you know, it's like she's seeing shows, sketch comedy shows in a basement. And, you know, how much can a 70-year-old woman appreciate that always? No offense to older people. But, you know, like we've been doing it for – and it wasn't always great. You know, there was like some shows where you're there, there's 15 people in your audience. My stepdad saw me early.

My stepdad saw me early, early in stand-up. And it was like a headlining show, and six people came. And for some reason, like the worst impulses, I said, he's my stepfather, and so he has kids. I said, I have half siblings. The problem with half siblings is, this is on a stage. I said, the problem with half siblings is, this is on the stage, I said, the problem with half siblings is fucking them is half

as fun. It's a testament to him that I don't think he'd even registered. He never brought it up. The only thing he ever said... You wanted him to bring it up? For their sake, to be like, what the fuck?

He's like, you're doing Hasan Minhaj up there? You're making stuff up? For their sake, to be like, what the fuck was, that was a, he's like, you're doing Hasan Minhaj over there? You're making stuff up? The New Yorker, like, he didn't fuck any of his half-siblings. All lies! No, the only thing he said to me, I had a joke where it started with my sister when she introduced me, she said, Mr. Markle, he's my

half-brother. And it goes to the joke, and he said, does Katie do that? And I was like, you are... I made a joke about fucking Katie. You need to get your priorities in line. Okay, good. So we all have different moms. Different moms.

I am not a real Italian. Sure. Do you see me as Italian at all? Look how you're sitting. You feel... But really? See, this is Italian and this is Italian-American.

Like, the posture... I'm even more authentic Italian? I swear to God. Really? Because you are a little feminine, which is Italian. Thank you for adding the little. I appreciate that. You talk with your hands and your body, right?

I only talk with my hands. That's a really interesting way of putting it. Yes, but I love that you talk with your body. Thank you. Of course. But I don't know if it's actually Italian or if it's like flamboyant. You know, just a little.

You did give off someone that has done movement classes. I certainly have. Movement classes more than Italian. Movement 1, Movement 2, Movement 3, Advanced Movement. Of course. All sorts of movement classes. Viewpoints. Remember viewpoints? I never went to acting school

what is a viewpoint oh it's like the most indulgent masturbatory form of acting where it's like instead of even working on a script you all like move as one there's music

you play with levels so I'm going to be middle level it's like an improv game and then you start brushing your teeth and suddenly everyone's brushing their teeth There's music they put on. You play with levels. So I'm going to be middle level. It's like an improv game. And then you start brushing your teeth and suddenly everyone's brushing their teeth. And they're brushing each other's teeth. And then they charge you $20,000 a semester. Wow. I taught it in acting school.

What did you teach? Lee Schreiber, maybe? Lee Strasberg? Lee Strasberg, I taught it. I love it. It's like a bootleg version? Lee Strasberg? Lee Strasberg, I taught him. I was like, Lee Strasberg? I love it. It's like a bootleg version of Lee Strasberg. It's Leroy Struisberg. What did you teach?

I taught improv, and I taught kids improv there. And it was a lot of rich kids in the city whose parents were just dumping them off for a place to do over the summer. And so I'm doing games until one day they all just started chanting pizza. And I still had 20 minutes left of class. And they wouldn't stop until I looked at their handler and I go, pizza? And then they all left and got pizza.

And I had to stay in the room by myself because I was required by them to get paid to stay there. So it sounds like you had no authority at all over this class at all. God forbid, if everyone of yours started chanting pizza, I'd say get the fuck out of here. I'm not getting your pizza. I would go,

pizza? Yeah, yeah. Let them go. Yeah, I was like, and these are children in pajamas. In pajamas? Most of them wore pajamas to class and stuff like that. Are you good with, I feel like you'd be good with kids. I am. I was good with kids, but they were like that 11 to 13 age. So it was a lot of Cheetos, Doritos, and Hot Cheetos.

And they were just like singing about, like, they would sing. Wait, what do you mean? Like, they just, that's all they talked about? They were eating that? They loved Hot Cheetos. They would just say Hot Cheetos, and then they would do the Fortnite dance. Doritos, Fritos, and hot Cheetos. And they'd just do the Fortnite dance.

And I'd just go, okay, great. We're going to pretend to be two firefighters on a bench. And then someone would be like, there's a fire. And someone would go, in my mouth, Doritos, Fritos, and hot Cheetos. And they would stand up and start doing the dance. It was like, they tricked me. Every time I tried to set it up so they couldn't get there, and they found a way.

Were there any kids that you were like, oh, wow, you're a genius? You pull them aside and say, I think you're a comedic genius. No. Not a single one. I mean, it was really like a camp. I was really teaching camp. I also taught a college class there. I taught a couple NYU classes there. Well, you've taught me too. Of course, if you don't

know, I was... Sebastian has a great podcast, Loud About Nothing. Check it out. We talk about that. We talked about, way, way before I was doing stand-up, this was a long, long time ago, I was on some awful, god-awful improv team and we hired Sebastian to coach and he basically in the scene I made a mistake some kind of some not doing a yes and of sorts and and accidentally sending my scene partner offstage in a

way where someone would need to come on and help me. I believe you killed your scene partner so they couldn't talk. So he was alone on stage. It was something like I was like, well, then go get that for me. And then they left the stage. And rather, and so someone was to step on and help continue the scene. And Sebastian said, no, leave him. Leave him. And then we just sat in silence,

and you were trying to teach me a lesson that I had abandoned myself on stage, and you were using a shame tactic, I would say, to teach me about acting. And it's one thing in college when it's like an older person doing it to you, but when it's someone younger than me, I think. I think so.

There is a deep feeling of rage that you remember. But after eight years, I got over it. You did. And I always said I remembered you because you walked in the room, took your shoes off, and then proceeded to eat three bananas in a row. Also didn't take them out, didn't take three bananas out at once. One at a time

removed a banana from his bag and continued to eat. And he was just talking to me and I'm just staring at this spectacle of a man who somehow has his toes crossed. Sitting there, crisscrossed, toes crossed, eating three bananas

in a row. And I said, I'm going to teach this motherfucker a lesson. Yeah, I guess I do have strange. People always comment on my eating habits, so I guess. He's always eating, if it's not a banana or not a carrot, it's a very wet fruit. Like where it's very like. I go to wash it in the sink and I, you know, I go like this. I open the door with my elbow and I eat it fresh. Romantic.

Or just like a giant pepper. You just eat peppers. Like giant full peppers. That was definitely a phase. I've moved past that. But that was a phase. You moved past it. I need to start.

I mean, my eating habits are so fucked. Let's not even go into that. But when you're with people, if you're like a group. See, he understands the sickness. Yeah. He goes, when you're eating normally in front of people, what am I eating? You've eaten boiled eggs in front of people. See, he understands the sickness. He goes, when you're eating normally in front of people, what am I eating? You've eaten boiled eggs in front of people.

You've done that. That's tough. We're not in a compartment together. What are you talking about? I'm just saying, what snacks do you eat in public in rehearsal? What's your public snack? We all have our private snacks. Yes, of course. We all have our private snacks.

Yeah, I mean, it varies. But yeah, that's the limit. Hard-boiled egg. But you'll have one banana as opposed to me. I will have three this morning, for sure. I don't think you're supposed to have that many bananas, I'll be honest. People say you should have one banana a day, but

I'm tall, so I figure that number is for... Every recommendation. You but I'm tall. So I figure that number is four. That's every recommendation. You're not that tall. I read something once that said you should only have four Brazilian nuts a day. And I was like, oh my God, am I going to die? I've eaten bags of Brazilian nuts. Those are delicious.

They are. Why give me a whole bag with 50 if that's not one sitting? I knew a girl who would set them out on her counter the night before. How many? Four. Four. Because it was good for your brain. She heard Andrew Uberman say it's good for your brain and so she would set them on her counter the night before. Yeah. Can you imagine you get dementia. Someday you get the diagnosis

of dementia and they go you should have had four Brazilian nuts a day. You would have lived forever if only you followed that random fucking thing that one person mentioned once. So, welcome to the downside.

For people listening, this is a place where we can be negative and complain and share our traumas. You know what people say about Staten Island. You know the stereotype Thomas, and you know what people say about Staten Island. Yeah, I'm aware. You know the stereotype of it.

Yeah, I would love one of you to describe the stereotype. All I know about it, and I feel like Pete Davidson has way too much of a percentage of what this is, is that it's Italian-ish, very white. Depends on the area. Sure. I'm just sharing what I know. Yes. It's 100% white.

It's lower income in general, overall. Big families, homophobia comes to mind. It feels like there's still playgrounds with the monkey bars that are rusted and you fall

and you hurt yourself and kids are getting bullied and people, they stay there, they get stuck there forever and then their mom still picks up their laundry and does it even when they're an adult. I live in Brooklyn. I do go and if I see people at the

gas station, they go, yo, bro, you made it out. It's like some sort of prison. It's intense. The toxicity is wild out there. I always remember I played CYO basketball. What was that?

CYO, Catholic Youth Organization. Okay, yeah. And first off, they would say the prayers, and I'm not Catholic, so my dad would just say, bow your heads and mumble. They would say the prayer before the game? Yes, before every game, we would gather around and say a prayer. Which prayer? Hail Mary, full of grace. Uh-huh.

And then, our Father who art in heaven. Sure. So, what were you? I was Lutheran because my dad said, I don't care what religion he is as long as he's not Catholic. And he was Catholic, went to Catholic school. So, I think that was Do you think? Molestation? Yeah. No.

I know what it is. I know what happened to him. There was a know what it is. I know what happened to him. There was a nun, it was during the this isn't funny, but it was during the Cuban Missile Crisis, right? And they would do these bomb drills where they go under the desk to protect themselves if a bomb hits, right?

It wouldn't save you. And the nun said to them, great, it's okay, if you die, you'll all die with me, and I'll be able to get you into heaven. And my dad was like seven, and he said, fuck that. I'm dying with my mom. So every day, he would run

from school to his house. His mom would drop him off at school, and in Brooklyn, he would run from his school to his house, and he would be sitting on the stoop, and they would do that all day long, because he was so scared to die with the nuns. And plus they hit him on top of all that. So he's like, I hate this place.

Heaven really works like a crowded airport. It was like, well, where's your nun? You have to be with a nun to get in. You're just stuck out here. I say all the time that I was such an angsty kid that if I had had the things about Catholic, it would have gotten into my brain and it would have freaked me the fuck out

so badly. That being said, I think if I was with my mom, we would be going to hell together. Hell by association? Just bickering on the way to heaven. Just bickering and then God would be like, I do not want this energy in heaven, please. So I do CYO basketball

and it would be the fathers there would get so intense. I was 10 years old. They would throw chairs on the courts, screaming. They would get kicked out of the games and the score would be 7-3. Uh-huh. 7-3. Does that mean someone made a three-pointer?

No, like a free throw. The games would be... We were children. And the dads would be screaming. It was just so many union men who put so much stake in that my child's going to make my life better. And what about your dad? He was

a principal in the Lower East Side. But could he scream at the game too? No. My dad's a PhD. He's educated. So why did he... Forgive me. He grew up in Staten Island? He grew up in Brooklyn. Why did he go to Staten Island if he...

Because my cousin moved there who's a cop. And my cousin was like, there's a good deal. On a house. Yeah. So he moved. And I lived cop. And my cousin was like, there's a good deal. On a house. Yeah. So he moved. And I lived next door to my cousin growing up. So it was like, cuz, live next door. He grew up in Brooklyn where it's all just

everyone in a family lived on one street. And he liked that idea that if I needed anything I could go next door or something like that. Well let me say that. That's the one thing about Staten Island that even though I hear these stereotypes, I grew go next door or something like that. Well, let me say that. That's the one thing about Staten Island that even though I hear these stereotypes, I grew up with no community, no neighborhood. And sometimes I do hear that and I go,

oh, you have like culture. You have like, you know, I don't have any of that. No? No. No. Our neighbors, we didn't spend time together. I mean, it was an isolated childhood. I feel like, yeah, what about you?

No, I grew up up, say, and we didn't have the culture of hanging out with neighbors. Actually, I had multiple neighbors while I grew up who killed themselves. One, the guy behind me killed himself in his bathtub. The guy in front of us shot himself in the front yard in the middle of the night. Shot himself in the front yard in the middle of the night. And then the guy right across the street tried to hurt his wife and kids. One time we were having a barbecue in our backyard. Kids came running over.

They're like, dad's gone crazy. My dad had to go and pull him off of him. So not a great neighborhood. How many neighbors? It wasn't bad. It wasn't like I grew up in a nice house. But it was just like a very small town. And you didn't really hang out with people. How many neighbors have, I grew up in a nice house, but it was just a very small town and you didn't really hang out with people.

How many neighbors have to kill themselves before you start asking yourself, is it you? Do you remember what age? How did they tell you? That would have freaked me the fuck out. I remember hearing the sirens the night the guy did it in the front yard. That was probably like 10 or 11 then.

And then the guy who slid his wrist in the bathtub, that was like probably high school. So a little later on. I mean, as bad as Staten Island sounds, it sounds better than that shit. They left the tub where he did it. You'd go out on our back porch and it would just be

like this rusted old tub that he killed himself in. Oh, my God. In view of our, for like a year. Just laid there, just staring at every family barbecue. I feel like that would be a horror movie where you dared your friends to sit in the tub, and then it haunted you. And then you went in the shower, and you died. I grew up near Binghamton, upstate.

Three hours north of here. I lived in an apartment where two people died in the apartment. How did they die? You got a deal. We got a deal. It came so quickly. No, you sinned. Someone died in my apartment.

That's why I had to rent. I got a great deal. Yeah. Oh, my God. This is terrible. I still get letters from his dental bills that he owes. deal. Yeah. Oh, my God. It was, this is terrible. I still get letters from his, like, dental bills that he owes. Stop. Yeah.

Do you respond? No. No. No. No. I was like, when was the last time I responded to a letter? Yeah. At the apartment, it was a mother and a son.

And the mother was bedridden. They couldn't move. And the son took care and the mother was bedridden and couldn't move. And the son took care of the mother. And one day the son collapsed and hit his head and then died on the floor and bleeding out and the mother could see him dying. And there was still

a blood stain in the hallway and I had a dog and every so often the dog would move it and I would just see the giant red stain under the carpet. You must have got an amazing deal. It was incredible. It was truly an incredible deal. When did they tell you that story?

They didn't tell. We saw it in the newspaper. We did research. This was in Washington Heights. Wow. Did you do research after you found the bloodstains? She just died. She starved? She starved.

Oh! This is the downside. No, this is what we want! Yeah, but that was and every so often I'd see that red bloodstain. Wait, did they put the carpet down to hide it? No, we put it down. So you knew there was a bloodstain when you got it, we put it down. They didn't give a shit.

So you knew there was a blood stain when you got it. It wasn't obvious. It wasn't like what you think. Okay. It was just like into the wood. I want you guys that are reacting so emotionally, I want you to look around you and ask yourself, how many people do you think died in this room we are in right now?

I promise it's thousands. You think the Beastie Boys didn't sacrifice a couple people down here for a recording session? People died everywhere. It's just a matter of time. Everywhere you look, someone died in that spot. Everywhere. Everywhere across the city, there's death.

It was a beautiful apartment. Crown Molding. Oh. You don't get Crown Molding in New York unless someone died there, you know? That's nice. So, in terms of Statline, like, do you see yourself as, like, eventually in your life you leave this behind you? Or is it really a part of you? I can't hide it because of my voice.

Yeah. Like, my voice really gives away that, don't nod so much. The woman in the front goes, mmm. I can't hide it. So someone knows I'm from somewhere, right? Have you ever tried to hide it? Do people ever

tell you to lose it? I have. I did a series for Go90. If you don't know that, that was a failed TV network. Could you try to hide your accent for the rest of this episode? Yeah, I could not talk. But were you able to do it? So the first day, I auditioned for the role,

and I played like we're in a family from Wisconsin or something. And the first day, I'm talking, and I'm talking like this. I auditioned yeah I will give them credit they did ask after the audition they go could you do it with the athlete accent I go yeah yeah yeah of course forget about it are you kidding me I fucking hate this voice and I show up the first day and you thought you thought oh you you thought yeah whatever I'll get there and what are they going to do? They're looking at the tape, right?

What are they going to do? And what they did was I did six weeks on a show where every time I did my line, they would make me retake it and go, the vowels, Sebastian, the vowels. And every night I would go home watching YouTube videos, how to say words. I would take all the words and I would put it into like Google Translate just to hear

how like a person speaks and I tried so hard is that an option on Google Translate like Staten Island forget about it I was funny coffee

coffee coffee coffee you're listening to the downside the downside with John Marco Cerezi