The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #191 Not His First Rodeo with Sam Tallent

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

Comedian Sam Tallent joins us to share the downsides of doing five podcasts in one day, taking hallucinogens, what it’s like to be a literal party animal in high school, and why living in Vegas sucks.  Gianmarco shares a story that will forever change the way you look at a Harry Potter book. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Sam on Instagram, Twitter, & TikTok See Sam in a city near you: https://www.samtallent.com/ Watch Sam's special, The Toad's Morale Watch Sam's new travel series here Follow Douglas Goodhart on Instagram & TikTok Get tickets to see Uncle Function in LA at Netflix is a Joke Festival on May 3: https://ci.ovationtix.com/34923/production/1191564 Follow The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi on Instagram Get tickets to our live podcast recording in NYC on May 13 here: OR come see us at the Netflix is a Joke Festival on May 3rd in LA: https://thecomedystore.com/the-downside-with-gianmarco-soresi/ Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by A Real Pain. From Searchlight Pictures comes one of the buzziest films at Sundance Film Festival, A Real Pain. Written, directed, and starring Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg alongside Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin. Witness a hilarious and moving story about two mismatched cousins as they tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. See A Real Pain, only in theaters November 15th. You ever wind up going with a management

company or an agency? You reached out to me and I didn't know what happened. Yeah, I'm with your management company. You are? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why Turner was so adamant about this. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, one hand's washing the other right now. There you go. Now, have you found

That he does anything Besides forward emails Do you know Is he up to much Is he up to much Let's talk shit About your managers Yeah yeah

My new management That's fun Let's do it Uh-huh No I'm still too fresh I'm giving it a year There you go

Yeah Is this okay Am I framed up I can be less Yeah Okay recumbent No they're very supportive Because I had a Good phone call with my manager

to say, where the fuck is the fucking guest? Yeah, yeah. And then me being like, please apologize to your other client. I asked for your phone number. I sent you a text message. Did you? I don't think you did. No response. I don't think you did. I was in the Uber on the way over here being like, oh good, he's furious.

You're just walking into a fucking melee. Oh, here it is. I did miss it. Let's see. Let's see. Let's write your apology. Please do. Hey, buddy.

This is Sam Talent. I'm headed over now. Wanted to apologize for the delay. My manager booked me on five pods today, and he swore it would work just fine. Well, that's on you for believing him. I know. Yeah. Five.

And now here we are And obviously he was wrong Anyway I value your time I'm glad to come on the pod I'm definitely not trying to big dick you Or be a piece of shit See you at 532 God willing

That's very sweet It's sincere That's a good apology Yeah That's a good apology Yeah I didn't receive a text Sure sure

But I'm not involved with this I would have gladly sent you a text I know you would I would have copied and pasted it And then you would have read this. I would have gladly sent you a text message. I know you would. I would have copied and pasted it, and then you would have read it, and I would have been like, oh, no. The curtain's been pulled back. Welcome to The Downside. My name is Jamarcus Araizi.

I'm here with a Phil and co-host, Douglas Goodheart. Hello, everyone. Creator of all the music for us. Yeah, dude, I do the music. Excellent. You're going to hear it, and you're going to have to compliment it. It's getting stuck in my head um and we are joined phenomenal stand-up comedian novelist whose book i i own and read thank you for reading it came out a while ago um uh sam talent welcome

to the show i'm very glad to be here and i'm sorry that it took so long to arrive we're good that's okay that's good that, you know? We caught up. I had to apologize to a comedy club today, you know, and my girlfriend helped me write that email. My girlfriend, she's a manager, not at Levity, and she's a good email writer.

It's not good. I'm literally in the living room like, Tova, I'm having trouble with this email. She writes this fucking beautiful email. Yeah, yeah, scorcher. Someday when I piss her off, I'm going to be like, oh, Tova, I'm having trouble with this email. She writes this fucking beautiful apology. Yeah, yeah, scorcher.

Someday when I piss her off, I'm gonna be like, can you write an apology to her? I'll tell you what happened. So, so, so Valentine's Day,

we agreed, not money for big gifts on Valentine's Day. We decided to be like, this is the big money gift. This is the, the artsy romantic gift.

So, we went to to an art gallery, like a little art gallery. We saw this painting that was beautiful. But it was above what we're ready to spend on art. For Valentine's Day, she decides she's going to get it.

She goes to the website to see if it's still available. It's not. And what do you think she thinks? You bought it for her. I bought it for her. And she goes, oh my God. That was her first thought. That was her first thought. Oh my God. Oh my God, we had the exact

same thought and he bought it for me first. And then calls and they're like, oh nope, we still got it. We still got it right here. No one's even inquired. No one has thought about anyone in a romantic way, it turns out. Not a single lanky Jew came into our studio. It's one of those moments that the romantic thought makes you sad.

Like, she didn't have to feel that. She didn't have to feel that hope or that pain. And she felt both on her own accord. And I failed without doing anything. Would you end up getting her? She's big on Valentine's Day. Okay. My wife is not.

Oh, really? We had soup and watched Love is Blind. Really? And then about three episodes in, I said, we're still in love, right? We're still into each other. We're not blowing it. No, she's not into the gifts?

She doesn't like Christmas, man. What? Yeah, she's like, we don't buy each other gifts for Christmas. And then I always do out of some simmering need to impress her. And then she gets mad at me. She's like,

you promised. Wow. Yeah. So it's very bad. It's very rough around here. Do you have kids? No, no,

no, no, no, no, no, Yeah. Because you don't want to give that. I have a cool watch.

Just as good. I licked this. That wasn't on purpose. You romantic? Yeah. I mean, I mean, we're romantic. My birthday't on purpose You romantic? Yeah, I mean You're a romantic guy My birthday is the next day So I try my best to make Valentine's Day about her

Because the next day and the next week is all about me, baby The next month The next week Yeah, the next two months are about me You're a birthday month guy No, no My birthday month Never, it's my birthday month

Yuck That would upset me I know you're being facetious, but if that was the case, I would have to leave. Oh, it would be the worst. Yeah. But he didn't come with me.

He left right now. Yeah. The apology would not be enough. Power move, boys. This is The Downside. One, two, three. Downside. So loud.

You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi. That's the loudest it's ever been. That's so loud. What? Welcome to The Downside. This is a place where we complain, we get negative,

we get to talk for real. You always look so comfortable on this pod, too. You're always like, you know, over here. He's got his feet up. Someone recently, as I said, like, it's just like a, you do it like, you know, for, like, as a character. And I'm like, this is how I move. This is how I sit.

I was a floor sitter in class. Like, weird. Like, I'd be like, I like the floor. And I'd sit on the floor. Pillow or no pillow? No pillow. Cheek on floor. Can I tell you why I think it probably started? Because I was, and I've talked on the floor. Pillow or no pillow? No pillow. Cheek on floor. Can I tell you why I think it probably started?

It's because I was, and I've talked about this before, I was a floor humper for a long time. Ah. That's how I- Yeah, you like the pressure. I was a pressure guy. Pressure play. And I think I just became close to the floor.

Yeah. Can you still masturbate like that? I think I could. I don't because I feel like- Not an old pair of pants. It's not good I feel like I read that it's not good for you. I mean, it was not good. Yeah. Because it was so easy to do.

Yeah. And I would just be lying down on the floor trying to do homework. And then, you know. Jesus. Yeah, it's like. Comes a knocking. This floor is everywhere.

Everywhere you go, there's the ground. Surfaces. Yeah. Did you ever? Never. the ground. Surfaces. Yeah. Did you ever? Never. Not, no, no, no. I think that pressure leads to lustful dreams because I'll have these erotic dreams

that get me right near the edge of bursting and I wake up and for some reason I'm face down like a corpse. Really? Yeah, and I'm just turgid. I'm just ready to go. Turgid. Yeah, and I'll wake up and I'll nudge my wife. I'll be like, hey, that thing I got you is ready

to go. And then she'll be like, it's 8 a.m. I've never been horny before noon. Shut up. I made you soup. And it's Christmas. I don't fuck on Christmas. Yeah, exactly. I used to bring, because the mattress was too soft to do it, so I would bring a book, usually a thick book, Harry Potter.

And I'd fuck that book. Wow. Had to be a hardcover. Wow. So. Would you open the book or are you on the cover? No, it wasn't like, it was like a bookmark. Like this whole big shop market.

I don't know if you were highlighting. All the pages are stuck. That's all that I've read. No, it was just like I needed something hard and it would be that book. And I was into Harry Potter at the time and I was stuck on that fourth book for a long time. It was real thick.

I remember my first orgasm. I remember I was watching a scrambled channel like 77 or whatever. Was it like Spice? Yeah, it was like the Spice channel. Spice channel, scrambled, and then every once in a while it would come into view. And I remember

coming for the first time, but I don't remember what made me go like this. Just like instinct? Just like pure... Rhymal. Rhymal instinct. Ancestral memories.

It's like... Yeah. It's crazy. I used the rumble pack on a PS2 controller the very first time. Vibration made it happen. PS1, yeah.

I was playing Twisted Metal at my friend Alex's house, and his sisters were both super hot. They were like the kind of girls that looked like they were tank girl types. Oh, yeah. Baby doll shirts. Who played the tank girl? I don't know. But she was in...

Fuck. Anyway. Yeah. Well, I was around them all day. They were brawless You know It was a big day And then Alex was asleep

On the futon And I was playing Twisted Metal And I put the controller down And I was like Oh there's a There's a bit of a Fun feeling

And then I became erect And then I placed my wangus Between the two Whatchamacallits And just ejaculated All over the controller Wait so your friend's playing And you're just like,

shoot me, shoot me, shoot me. He was asleep like where you are. Yeah, yeah. And I just ran Sweet Tooth into the wall over and over again. That's how you know where it's a problem. It's at the friend's house. I remember watching Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Sure.

And I think the thing about the floor is I thought like with a blanket, no one would know. The perfect crime. And I'm sure that I'm on the floor just like... Yeah, exactly. And like no one knows. No one has it. No one knows.

And I can't even imagine. I need to ask my friend now, like did you know? Yeah. Because if he did, he'd remember. Oh, yeah. He's never going to forget. He's going to see that before he dies, when he shuts his eyes.

That's the DMT blast. It's you humping Harry Potter. I wish you would have picked a more age-appropriate book. You know, they're kids. Yeah, but by that book, they were legal in some countries. And you were a child, too, I guess. Yeah. So, hey.

For sure. Hey. I rescind. Hey Hey Thank God I did Acid on Saturday for the first time First time ever First time ever Wow My girlfriend's been pushing

My girlfriend got me to do shrooms A couple, about a year ago now Yeah Great And doing Acid I'm going out with some Mike Douglas and two of our good guy friends. We're going to go to, real cliche, Joshua Tree.

Oh, sure. Yeah. But I called him while I was on the acid. I left a voice memo. Yes, you did. And I said, because Russell, my normal co-host, he's like a cautious boy. Yeah.

And then he does an edible, and I'm like, you didn't look how many milligrams. It was 64. And he's like, yeah. Like he's little or all the way. Right, yeah. And he he does an edible and I'm like, you didn't look how many milligrams, it was 64. And he's like, yeah. Like he's little or all the way. Right, yeah. And there was like,

he was like, yeah, I'm going to go on microdose. And I was on this asset and I was like, fuck that shit. So I let the voice memo and I said,

guys, we are not going to Joshua, I'm not flying to fucking Joshua Tree. Ah, so you were going to fly in to pop your cherry. With them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's done it. Yeah. But I just like, it's the opposite of when I was a kid. I was like, don't peer pressure. And I made a decision. I said, no, we're going to peer pressure 100% in demand. This was peer pressure. Demand that we're making an agreement that we're not going to go light.

We're not going to be crazy. Yeah. We need to go strong. Yeah. And I said to you, You got to help lead the way Because I can't be I brought This acid trip

We went to a friend's house I brought I bought a drug test At CVS Okay To test it To test it for For fentanyl

For fentanyl For liposucrgic acid Yeah And when I When I got it out We realized It was not in fact A drug test

It was a pee test For after the drugs. Oh. Well, but now you get to collect your friend's urine. Yeah. Find out if we are dead. Yeah, right? So that's who I am in that group.

And I think I had the realization of, oh, no, I'm the pusher for this group. Yeah. We got to change my whole personality. How much acid did you take? Did you see, did you have like kinesthesia? Did you like?

No, it was very much like we did a tab and a half. Okay, so it was paper tabs. Paper tabs. Okay. And then like

cutting board, making quarters for a little more. And it was, it was like, it was charged. I was energized. Yeah.

The walls were definitely like, you could call it breathing. You could call it like just kind of swirling and going up and down. It was just funny. Everyone was laughing. Lots of giggles. Lots of good vibes. Lots of good vibes. Yeah, yeah.

The cum lasted a long time, which was cool. But the last three hours, like I was clenching my jaw. Gets a bit jagged. Gets a bit jagged. And I was just a little like, my jaw hurts, but I keep wanting to clench it. And then it was once at 1 a.m., I was like, okay, I'm done.

And it's been more of a hangover. I'm back, but it took like two days. I did a show the next day, and I was like, I'm not fully there yet. Well, yeah. You had the mysteries of the universe revealed to you. You know what?

Shrooms felt more existential, more like people are just part of a grand organism. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how I get on shrooms for sure. Everything I say is a Beatles song. Yeah. That's the way I felt. I wrote that in a book in college when I was on shrooms.

And he fucked it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wrote everything I say is a Beatles song? Everything I say is a Beatles song. Damn. You're a brave man to say that. I'm so fucking brave. Yeah, dude.

I was fucking brave to do that. Yeah. I mean, I've got some embarrassing artifacts that I have as well, but it's just nice of you to say that. Yeah. I mean, I've got some embarrassing artifacts that I have as well, but it's just nice of you to say that. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah, dude.

I resisted writing thoughts for jokes, because sometimes I can get really too many. Oh, that would have been great. I write too many, and Tova goes, please. Oh, sure, sure. I'll be talking to her, and I'm like, wait one second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to do that. And they're mostly unusable.

Uh-huh. Also, you want to be present. You want to try and feel a deeper connected-huh also you want to be present you want to try and feel like a deeper connectedness with the people you're with yeah so you know what i hate is there's like subreddits where people are like shrooms like r slash shrooms they'll be like i'm tripping everybody and it's like you need to put your phone in a lock box and then bury that in the desert yeah not have this device and effectively do hallucinogens that's coming from me who i've eaten acid acid over 100 times for sure.

Oh, wow. Yeah, do you think it, did you feel a depth of your empathy and compassion? Like, because you're already an empathetic person, right? Yeah, I guess. Selfish, but empathetic. Sure. Yeah, again, like, it was, it really was more like, it felt more of like a party than shrooms,

where I felt like more, shrooms I just had more like deeper it's so funny because you're like this is cliche and your thought is the universe is infinite and then you're like that's cliche and sometimes i'm like yeah it's cliche but that's okay yeah it's a really great thought right yeah yeah enjoy the thought yeah quit self-censoring your epiphany yeah i or just being cynical about your epiphanies. Oh, yeah. You roll your eyes. Yeah, God is love. Exactly.

Everything is everything, I guess. Have you choked with your wife? Have I choked my wife? Have you choked your wife? I told you about Valentine's Day. I'd like to ask every guest about 10 minutes in once we're comfortable. It was a chunky shoot.

And have you choked your wife? No, no, no. I have tripped with my wife, yeah. Yeah, what's that like? I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of like a feeling of like we don't actually love each other. Like it's going to come off. God is love, but you know what's not?

You and me. Or I'm just going to see her in a different light and it'll never be the same. Oh, no. I don't know why. I'm just freaking out about that. Do you guys get high together? You don't get high much anymore. I don't get high much anymore because of anxiety.

You don't get high anymore because of anxiety as well? Bro, those days are over. I'm back. You're back? I'm back on weed. Yeah, I was going to reveal my cool weed pen. I quit drinking, so now. Oh, okay.

For a second, you did a big reach in it, and nothing came out of it. Yeah, I know. It's just a bandana and another one, and then there's a clown holding onto it. Yeah. No, you did a big reach in it and nothing came out of it. Yeah, I know. It's just a bandana and another one and then there's a clown holding onto it. Yeah. No, I did fail on that. But yeah, I've tripped with my wife and I think that it,

that amount of laughter that you share, you don't need to talk. You just sit there and you giggle and every now and then you look over at her and you just see that she is perfect. Then she looks at me and she says, 20 more years. 20 more years. Then that insurance is going to pay off looks at me and she says, 20 more years. 20 more years.

Then that insurance is going to pay off. But that's with his wife. It could be very different for years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd be like, well, a couple flaws. How long have you been with your wife? We've been married a year and a couple months. Yeah, yeah.

But I've been with her for almost 10 years. Sure, yeah. You got to do it. Me and Tova, she did shrooms first and really wanted me to do it. Really wanted me to do acid. I think the next thing I want to do is Molly. I want us to do it for the first time together. I was going to suggest that.

DMA. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Molly's lovely. I'm scared about it. I mean, I'm scared of all these. It's a long time. Yeah. But you like Molly?

I do very much. It's the only drug that I, although all non-heroin or whatever, that I could understand being addicted to. Molly's such a great feeling. I could totally just give it all away, sell all my stuff, and move into a tent. Totally. Just fucking take Molly.

I liked ecstasy. I liked when it was mixed with street drugs and uppers. Yeah, when I was a real tongue-shoer. This kind ofers. Yeah, that was like a real tongue chewer. This kind of thing. Well, I'll get there. I've done cocaine twice. They weren't good, but I didn't know.

I maybe didn't do enough. I tried to have sex a second time with the cocaine and it didn't work. I had to shoehorn that baby in there. Yeah, yeah. It was a real it was like a was a bad but you know I can't have a bad orgasm this was bad yeah this was us yeah no I don't understand why people were like yeah it was a rock and roller

it was on coke every night laying three broads a day it's like how who's did movies make it look like that yeah they really do whose crank were you using on these women because it wasn't yours man I want to make Movies make it look like that. Yeah, they really do. Whose crank were you using on these women? Because it wasn't yours, man. I want to make the movie where it's like Wolf of Wall Street, but every sex scene he can't get it up. He can't get it up. Yeah, let's be a little honest. In Wolf of Wall Street, they did a good job of like,

every time they cut to him having sex, it was clear that he was very bad at sex. Yeah, yeah. Sure. Yeah, so that was funny, at least. Yeah. He improvised those scenes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I remember when I was... He's a method actor in that way. When I was a kid with Molly or Ecstasy, that was the one they said, if you have sex on this, regular sex sucks. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no longer anything. Dude, don't have sex on it.

It's always some guy who never wears pants. He only wears shorts. He's like, my legs just don't get cold. And he's like, dude, don't have sex on Ecstasy. I feel very resentful how much the drug propaganda worked on me as a kid. I wish I had done drugs when I was younger. I think because I'm so socially, I struggle socially.

And like if I had been a stoner at parties, I think I would have just like been talkative and like funny. And I really regret and I'm mad that I fell for it yeah i did not fall for it me either and it uh it really kind of devolved me into a sensory seeking beast like 16 to 22 so i think you're probably better off like your brain's not fully formed you shouldn't be dipping in an lsd and mushrooms and not mixing them together and then going to the carnival. What a cool. Yeah. Well, it sounds cool now, but at the time it's you and your buddies are at the mall sitting in those vibrating chairs.

Yeah, and you're not getting laid. No one's getting laid. I was that character. I called myself the duber. No, you didn't. You called yourself the duber. People called me the duber. But you started it.

No, no, no, no. I did not start it. I did not start it. Somebody else started it. People called me the duber. There's a handful of people who still call me the duber. Everyone's been like calling me the duber. Do you guys hear this?

Like it's crazy out there. So in high school, I was like the stoner guy, the stoner kid, the duber. Where'd you go to high school? Where are you from? From Long Island, Ward Mellon. And yeah, it's a lonely existence because you're like funny and fun to party, but no one's fucking you. No one fucks the funny guy in high school.

No one fucks the funny guy in high school. The funny fat guy in high school. There's no way. No, Angus lied to us. That was the propaganda I fell for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who was Angus? Angus was the movie about a fat kid with a bowl cut, and Green Day wrote a song for it, and it was my Amistad.

You know what I mean? Like it inspired me. Was it like a comedy? Yeah, it was a comedy. Oh my it. And it was my Amistad. You know what I mean? Like, it inspired me. Was it like a comedy? Yeah, it was a comedy. Oh, my God. And everyone fucked him? No, everyone fucked him. But he did dance with the girl at the end of the movie.

His crush and him shared a dance. And I was like, he's touching her hips. Oh, my God. Can you imagine a world? That could be you. Yeah, where I get into the batter's circle. Not even first base. I just want to touch where the bone is available.

Yeah, dude. But yeah, I think you're better off. The duber was not a happy guy. No, no. Neither was franimal. That was you? Yeah. You were franimal? I was franimal, dude. So where's the frat? What is that? Frat animal. Wow. My friends assumed

because I was going to play football in college, they were like, you're going to join a frat, man. You're going to be the franimal and i was like okay but this was like i was like 16 when that idea hit and then i was just franimal and i went from fridge to franimal which is kind of a lateral move yeah it is fridge because you would pack it in no because i was built like a refrigerator yeah yeah sure i imagine like you had you know you drank all the beers i might as well be a fridge. Oh, yeah. It was the party pig.

Oink, oink, man. Yeah. I remember one time a kid, we went to a birthday party, and a kid was like, hey, you want to do the pig thing? And I was like, what's the pig thing? And he's like, get it all forged. And he sat on my back, and we entered the party. I carried him in like a Clydesdale.

It's like, this is a thing you do? And he's like, no, no, but I thought it would work. I was like Okay I fell for it Did it kill No No It killed any chance

That I ever had Of getting sucked In high school Yeah Well there it is Is there anyone right now Who if they said that to you Before a party

Anyone in your life That would say Hey Get on all fours And let's walk in like this See if it works now Well now it would be like Fun

You know It'd be like Oh classic Sam It'd be like, oh, classic Sam. It'd be my wife, too. She'd ride me in. Side saddle. Yes. Yeah.

Sure. She's a lady. Yeah. I've given a couple hands-on, on-the-ground pig rides in my day. There was also a kid named Colton who we'd put his legs behind his head and we'd spin him on the floor. So there was a lot of like wacky antics going on. Yeah.

Where'd you go to school? Your childhood sounds sounds so funny I was such a loser No I was such a non-partier Yeah And here you guys are Talking about all

These cool nicknames Uber The Franimal Yeah And at the same time Telling me No you don't want this life Let me tell you another

Fucking rad story About me being an animal I had to go to acting school To be an animal In class You got to do it Did you have a girlfriend In high animal. I had to go to acting school to be an animal in class. Did you have a girlfriend in high school? I had two. Nice. What's that like?

Come on, Duber. Tell us about it. Tell us about it. Okay, it wasn't a lot. I didn't have a list. I wasn't Mr. Cool. I was theater kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got some girlfriends. He was a goth, too.

Really? Eyeliner? Yeah, so here's what happened invader zim hoodie eyeliner but i've never been good at putting it on so like if someone put it if it was there yeah i said please put it on yeah i went to a summer camp yeah uh this is between eighth grade and high school and i was switching so i had time to reinvent sure go to this this uh this high school i was i was in a skater boy phase now to be clear could not skate for my life. Did anyone say see you later, boy? That was where we were. Avril Lavigne was my dream gal.

Really? This eighth grade. So what are you in eighth grade? 14? How old are you now? Oh, 35. I'm 36. 36.

Similar times. Oh, wow. So if a girl put on a tie over a t-shirt, oh, my God. I'm going to rock. Are you crazy? I'm pumping the floor right away. I'm saying, give me all the Harry Potter books. I need them all.

I don't even need the books. Give me a magazine. I'm ready to go. Give me a pamphlet. So I went to this summer camp. It was called X-Flow. And there's this cute British girl. Wow.

We're flirting. And I was wearing independent. I was wearing like independent hoodie of course I mean I tell you I bought two skateboards I would put them

in the grass I would try to do one where you stay on two wheels and that was it that was it you would manual in the grass

I would manual in the grass I remember I thought Tony Hawk was a the video game was a realistic

representation of how long you could grind and when I saw I was like what the fuck was that? I thought you'd do the full. So I go to this camp.

This British girl, she thought I was cool because of the clothes. The moment she started flirting with me, I was like, oh my God, British, you know the Spice Girls? I'm a big fan. Immediately started dating a guy with green hair who was there. And I'm lonely.

I'm sad. I'm at this party. There's like the goth people there. And they're goth. They're doing salt and ice. Ooh, yeah. You know salt and ice? Yeah.

Do you burn your skin? Yeah, they burn their skin. Chemical burn. Yeah. And this guy said to this cute girl named Mallory, like looked, pointed at me and said like, you should make out with that guy. And she was like, okay.

And I was like, what the fuck? And we made out? Whoa. And she let like okay and I was like what the fuck and we made out whoa and she let me touch her boob bra still on hey that's huge that's classic

yeah and I and she was she was a real she was a real goth apparently she got arrested the next year because she went to

Abercrombie and Fitch and went streaking in Abercrombie and Fitch she was cool well I thought when you said real goth that she was like a grave robber

and she got arrested for stealing teeth. Not streaking at the mall. Very well could be. I doubt she's still alive. Oh, yeah. And I loved her. And so I basically went from hooking up

with this gal to going like, okay, I guess I'm goth now. I leave this community, go back to my fucking private school in D.C., first day of school. I now go by G. I'm wearing an Eeyore. I'm wearing an eeyore shirt from where hot topic i'm wearing jellies i'm wearing these big painted jeans i've never done manual labor

my whole goddamn life no i didn't paint them i bought them pre-stained i got two big chains hanging off the back yeah Whoa. Black nail polish. And this is my first day. This is my, hey, you guys went from middle school to high school, you all have relationships. Here's the new element coming in. Yeah, G's here. G's here.

G. You're going to love mixing this. Yeah. Yeah. Big mistake. You got to have somebody else give you your. It's like the teacher calls your name and you're like, it's G.

G. It's G. G. People your name And you're like It's G G It's G G People from high school They still call me G If they see me And They call me Franimal still

Yeah Or Franny Yeah Franny And I And again I didn't have any Of the real trappings

Of being a goth I wasn't like Into the music I was I would never Scar my skin With salt and ice Are you crazy

You have beautiful skin And And then after six months I had a goatee. I tried to dye my hair red, but it came out horrible orange. You had a goatee in ninth grade, though? It was a thin. Still, that's a hard look. It was a thin goatee. That's all right.

It's the thought that counts. I wanted a soul patch like Chad Michael Murray in Freaky Friday, I think. He was like the hot guy in Freaky Friday. Again, mix, mix. Take an inspiration from that. You really are. This is like half goth, half Freaky Friday inspired. That's my aesthetic.

There's like a goth listening right now who's just like shaking his head. Just not happy. Yeah, he's in a windowless room. Yeah. Lights are off. But I loved how I looked in eyeliner. Yeah. I still, when I used to do theater, I would

leave it on and I just liked the look. And then a girl puts it on for you too. That's an intimate move. I was always envious of dudes like you, man, because I was a jock, but I did theater. I quit basketball because I wanted to be Conrad Birdie. You know what I mean? Really? Yeah. The fact that you were embracing this

was awesome because I'd be standing on the side being like, gay, right? Everyone. I don't envy that whatsoever. God, you know,

imitating me, but you're actually doing it. He's always like, do, do, do. I'm in front of the mirror doing a cool walk. Call me S.

Was there, cause you grew up in a very small town. Very small. What was the theater program like? It was fine. We actually, Mitch Travis, my theater teacher changed my life he's the man he went to bat for me he uh we did uh oliver twist my senior year so i

could be big bill like he booked stuff around me oh my skill set and uh yeah i love him dearly but the thing issue with coming from a community that small is i knew everyone from kindergarten on so eighth grade ninth grade some kid tries to come back as G with the swinging lifestyle, being a cool guy. It's like, bro, I remember when you shit your pants at the Hall of Life. You can't reinvent yourself. To be clear, I was not cool. Sounds cool to me, dude.

Not this high school. I was like, it was too much. I had gone too far in a very niche community and brought it out of that environment. Yeah. And I'm, I don't know what you do

when you're a parent and your kid does this. You go, God bless. He's going to learn this on his own. Yeah. But I used to wear bandanas.

Head? Head. Wait, so like David Foster Wallace or like Stone Cold Steve Austin? I'm glad you think Stone Cold, but it was more like the Crips.

Bacchus Locos. Yeah. Yeah. think Stone Cold, but it was more like the Crips. Bacchus Lekos. Yeah. My stepdad, who was a lawyer, he was the one who said, you were not wearing that to school. Oh, no. And he was looking back, he was correct.

He was right. So G had a biker phase as well? You were dressed like Undertaker when he got on the motorcycle? I'd wear them on my arms. No, dude. And I was doing LA Looks gel. Yeah.

And that gel would flake. Wow. It would flake. It looked like everyone thought I had dandruff. Oh, God. Everyone thought I had dandruff. Or it would melt and you would just be slaked with grease. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. And my dad was, you know, my dad, looking back, he was like depressive and weird. And he was encouraging it. We'd put on our LA Looks together in the morning. Oh, man. You know, he'd do it like you tie a tie. He'd put it on and be like, yeah, like this sun, big. With like the front flipped up.

Yeah. You know, like as gelled as you could down and then up, straight up. You can see the individual tines. Yeah, exactly. Of the comb that went through. Yeah, dude. I had no idea you were a theater kid. Yeah.

I was a thespian, man. I do a lot of barstool podcasts. Hey, man. I want to sell tickets. Yeah. All right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm, I'm, uh, I mean, yeah, like I was, I think I'm the only all state off, the only all state football player who was also,

uh, in the thespian society of Colorado. I think that was the thespian society was the, uh, I think it's like nationwide and you do, you, uh, get enough hours in theater.

I think it was a thousand hours of like whether set building or being in productions or whatever yeah and then you get to go to like thespian conference and you get to hang out with other theater kids and i'd be there in my letter jacket just being like why don't they like me you know we did not do that at my school no yeah we were no thespian society yeah wow i feel like a goldfish to get in. I feel like that's more, like my high school had like a good theater department, but they didn't participate in those. Like there were different awards.

And I feel like, maybe I'm wrong, that because there's so much more arts on the coasts that maybe they don't need to build a grander community. But I feel like everyone I know from like the middle of America and whatnot, they had more of this thing. And it's cool. Right. I wish I had. I bet your theater program was good. Our theater program was

okay, but it wasn't as good as our rodeo program. You know what I mean? Wow. I don't know what you mean. You had a full rodeo program? I got rodeo scholarships in my high school. They'd go on to Texas A&M and get a couple years of college paid for. And what kind of classes do you take for rodeo? you don't take classes it's more of like an after school type thing you know yeah and like 4-h was huge where i'm from you know about 4-h remind me

someone's told me before this it's a different world it's like you raise a pig and then you sell it off at the end of the year and you get like credit for that and you also get to keep the money for the pig you sell how much much money does a pig sell for? $1,200. Wow. Yeah, if you raise a fine calf for three years, and you got that nice bovine stud baby, you can get like five grand on that thing.

And does the pig go on to live a happy life? No, no, no. It dies. It dies. The pig gets turned into food, which gets turned into poop. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we all are, man.

Did you do that? Circle of life, dude. No, no, no. I was cool. So 4-H or not cool. Wait, were the, were the, um, were the rodeo kids cool? Yeah, they're the bad, they were the first kids that Percocet. They were the best. Yeah, they were number one. Falling off that horse, getting hurt. But is that all the, is that the rodeo, is it, is it horse, uh, bull riding? Bull riding, barrel racing, uh, all types of stuff. Barrel racing, you're nut busting.

Mutton busting. I thought you said nut busting. I was like, I should have signed up for it. I would have fucking crushed him. It's just you in the middle of a big old rodeo. You're doing it like this? You don't even need it. Barrel racing, you're on it?

No, you're on a horse. I think barrel racing is typically for women. But yeah, you do like circuitous routes and whoever can do the barrels the fastest top score is the winner. Yeah. You never did rodeo? Never did rodeo. No, I tried, but they had to put the horse

down. Nice. Do they have clowns in rodeos? Yeah, rodeo clowns. They prefer bullfighters. That's the preferred nomenclature. That's their pronouns. It's bullfighter. And I prefer artist over comedian. What are you going to do?

Do they ride bulls as well? No, no, no. They're the ones who... Well, then you don't get the title bull rider. They protect the bullfighters. Bull fighter. But they're wearing full clown makeup. They're in clown makeup. Typically, like, big rubber boots, overalls,

like a wacky polka dot shirt. Yeah, we know what clown makeup typically like big rubber boots overalls uh like a wacky polka we know what clowns look like okay just so you know hey sorry guys i don't want a carpet bag into the big city he's a clown you know big shoes off eyeliner kind of like yeah all right yeah and what do they is that something you could have done uh no i didn't fit in the barrel no i did not want to do that uh but i knew a lot of kids who did and actually there was a And what do they, is that something you could have done? No, I didn't fit in the barrel. No, I did not want to do that, but I knew a lot of kids who did, and actually there was a very good friend of mine, his older brother passed away, and he's a great kid,

and he was a bullfighter. Is the passing away related? It was related to the lifestyle. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's rough and tumble? Mm-hmm. Yeah, living fast, powders, all that, man. I went to his funeral and I remember

the first time I saw my grandpa cry, he held the deceased boy's father, whispered something in his ear. My dad's in tears, gave him a hug, and I went up to Jeff and I was like, how you doing? We're at his son's funeral. Hey, how are you? Yeah, yeah. How's it hanging, man?

Do they, not to be crass, do they prepare the body with the clown makeup on?? Yeah, yeah. How's it hanging, man? Do they, not to be crass, do they prepare the body with the clown makeup on? Of course, yeah. He had a 21-Celtzer salute. Yeah, man. That's funny. Yeah, their lovely family is just, you know, he was living that lifestyle.

I would love to do that for, I would love to like play in a show, some TV show, and I need to prepare for it by becoming a clown. Yeah. Do JFL characters, but you're a rodeo clown.

That would be a good character. Well, that's kind of what that Zach Galifianakis show is about. Yeah. Yeah. He's a bullfighter. Baskets? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. He's a... I've never watched this. It's too strange for me. He's great. He's a French clown going and being a bullfighter. A rodeo clown.

You see that video of Hillary Clinton talking to a French clown? No. He's talking about the philosophy of men versus women being a clown. And Hillary has no idea what he's talking about. She's got to be like, hmm, yes.

Hillary. That's the thing. You just have to watch it. yes Hillary that's the thing I mean you just have to watch it it's just like there's no way out for her you know when you're talking to someone and you can't go I'm sorry what did you say it's like I remember talking to

someone from Ireland and their accent was so thick after the third what you're like well there's no you're speaking English. Yeah, yeah. Allegedly. Not the one I know. Yeah.

So you grew up in this small town. What's it called again? Elizabeth, Colorado. 800 people? Yeah, right around 1,000. Oh, wow. We got a stoplight my 10th grade year. Big news.

Yeah, it was huge. Huge news. The stoplight came in. We got a stoplight. The Safeway opened. It's all going to the moon. How far from like a good town? Sorry.

No, no. Hey, you're not hurting my feelings. All right. The town's so small that we didn't even say Elizabeth. We said we're from Elbert County. Okay. That was how little it was. But it was equidistant from Colorado Springs and Denver.

It's like an hour to each. So it was a bedroom community where people would live in the big or work in the big cities, come back, you know, shake their son's hand and be like i'm going to bed it was that kind of thing but you were an hour from like a good concert or or a good movie theater definitely yeah that's not so bad yeah not so bad but also we had that like fuck the big city we're out here making our own fun we're eating mud i'm a pig man and doing drugs yeah a lot of drugs doing fucking drugs a lot of drugs crystal meth was huge where I'm from. And then luckily pills came in, you know, after I was gone.

My sister's generation had to deal with all the pills and whatnot. Have you done meth? Yeah. Is it fun? I don't know. I did it once to impress a cool kid. Yeah. Not even a...

Not even a girl. Not even a girl. Not even a girl. It wasn't even a cool situation. Was he cool? He must have been really cool. He was cool in high school, but this was like two years out of high school,

and he swung by my friend's apartment, and we didn't want to let him in, because he was pretty itchy, and then he got in there, and my buddy went outside to smoke a cig, and this kid took out the pipe, and he's like, you mind? And I was like, no, of course not.

Why would I mind? I'm a man of the world. I'm cosmopolitan of course fire it up and he fucking hit it and he passed it to me and i didn't look like a pussy so i hit it too and i was just very nervous for four and a half hours yeah yeah so wasn't it wasn't fun at all it was not my thing i'm much more of a downer enthusiast yeah i like to go the other way us too yeah i like the way hey you guys, yeah. I'd give you a smooch in that situation. I know, right?

I would have been there. I was hoping for a kiss. Yeah. Yeah. Bullshit. There were a lot of livestock there. Oh, yeah. People like they, did you have any, you didn't have a pig, you said?

Did not have a pig. There was a cow that lived next door. He was my friend as a child. I would feed him blueberry cereal out of my hand. What was his name? I don't remember his name, but I remember I came home one time and he was no longer there. And I was like, where's the cow?

My mom was like, what do you mean, where's the cow? He's food. You were friends with food, Samuel. Yeah. She didn't have a lot of whimsy in her life. I think it's good to... I had a Greek voice teacher who was husband, grew up in whatever the equivalent of your town was in Greece.

Yeah. And you were raised with a pig. You had a baby pig. And your bar mitzvah, essentially, your becoming a man, was you killed it. You had to kill the pig? You had to kill the pig. Oh, it was like a rite of passage. Yeah, and I think about my life and how squeamish I am.

And I've never killed a thing. Yeah. And I still eat meat and i'm like this is pathetic i need to i've been really thinking like i need to go fish i i just i just want to do with fish i'm not gonna fucking pluck a chick just want to do it but i just want to be able to catch a fish and have it shaking in my hand and go this is the sushi you get every night at your comedy clubs yeah and i kill it you get sushi on your writer oh yeah we can make this happen i'm doing i'm doing sushi for all what my opener says he's done in sushi he's tired of it i was afraid to ask for pedia light on my writer and you're having

sushi you know what happened recently because i i added gum and like floss yeah to my writer and i go to the club a whole bag of the the floss thing yeah 12 packs of gum and i go i can just keep updating this with basic household goods yeah of course there you go overdo it i just take it all home where's my dish soap did you read my writer what are you doing where's my three-ply toilet paper why do we send the email if you don't answer the email? It's not an embarrassing rider yet. Yeah. But I'll ask, it used to be like, oh, I'd love coffee with oat milk. And then they buy you a gallon of oat milk.

And you're like, oh, well, this is going to go to waste. Yeah. What's your rider? My rider is Pedialyte now. Because Turner over there at Levity was like, you got to have a rider. That's their job. There's someone there whose job is to go out and get these goods. You don't want them to not do their job.

And I was like, all right, I guess I'd like to be hydrated, some Pedialyte, and that's all I have on my rider. You deserve more than the Pedialyte. I'd never want to be a bother to the club. You know what I mean? I'm a ghost in there, dude. You're making them money. I'm making them money.

I always tip the fucking Green Room server. I take care of way too much, apparently. How much do you tip them? Like 200 bucks. 200 bucks? of way too much. Apparently. How much are you tipping? Like 200 bucks. 200 bucks? 200 bucks for the whole weekend. And I always ask them, are you here the whole weekend?

What the fuck? Well, it's just like t-shirts. Like, oh, I have this cash. Like here's. What are you tipping him?

What are you tipping him? I'm tipping a 20. A 20. Oh, by the way, they're not serving. They're just, they drop off a bag of sushi and that's it.

They're not serving me either, bro. You got to tip the waitstaff. I do. I give 20s to everyone. 20s. I give 20s to everyone. No, you just pinpoint one person you're gonna see. You sell it better than me. I give everyone 20. I'm fucking, I'm losing money on the gig. This is a classic

over, under. This is like Jeff Bezos, you know, being like, I gave him 200 bucks. Yeah, you fucking, you made it in two seconds. Son of a bitch. No. Sounds like you're tipping a little too much and you could tip a little two seconds. Son of a bitch. Sounds like you're tipping a little too much and you could tip a little bit more. I was told by the guys at Hilarity's, they're like, you don't need to tip that much.

And I was like, what do you mean? And they're like, what are you doing? You don't need to give them that much money. What'd she do, bring you some waters? And I was like, yeah. She's like, yeah, you fool. So I think I am wrong. Yeah, but you're nice wrong.

Well, he can't reach his wallet. He has sushi all over him. You know, his fingers are stuck in like this. Yeah, but you're nice wrong. Well, he can't reach his wallet. He has sushi all over him. His fingers are stuck in like this. Yeah, there you go. I'm tipping. I don't know this person. I can't judge because I don't know what you guys are talking about. It's the person that when you're backstage is like,

hey, can I get you a water? There's a dedicated green room server who comes to the green room and asks, do you want anything? Can I get you anything? And when I was drinking, there would just be Miller Lights in the fridge, and that's all I needed. It sounds like you guys are doing great. I feel like in the past that person was usually sexually assaulted.

For sure. It is true. And so now, they're living the life. Yeah. I mean, that sounds like that's the person. The bar has been set low. Yeah. The bar has been set really low. Yeah, I didn't goose her. Yeah, exactly. You're welcome.

She might catch a titty twister here and there, but you know, that's progress. What are you going to do? A noogie? You want the job? Your wife?

Doctor. Yeah, doctor. Oh, wow. What kind of doctor? Family medicine, emphasis women's health. You said that so fast. I've answered this question

a million times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Family medicine. Women's health,? You said that so fast. I've answered this question a million times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Family medicine. Women's health emphasis. Yeah. Okay, cool. Deliveries and? Let's guess.

What's the opposite of a delivery? I know what it is. I'm wondering if you know. Coming on their back? No. Come on now. Abortions. Yeah, heck yeah.

Hey. Hey. Yeah. What's more fun For her Yeah Second Yeah She gets to get the turkey baster out You know

I imagine I keep meaning to have someone Who does abortions Because I imagine You know it's different If it's one month Use the baster Right yeah

You know five months You gotta get the saw You gotta scramble the egg Yeah Wait can I tell you something my father um i think he still thinks this we were arguing about politics he's conservative he was this was the obama years he was trying to tell me that my that obama was for on the table abortions what where you deliver the baby and then murder it and get the hammer and then you just murder it right there. And I just remember...

It's like whack-a-mole. Yeah, I just remember being like, Dad, repeat what you just said. Yeah. And he couldn't say with a straight face. It's like, you think that Obama's

for killing actual babies? Nine-month babies. I love that's the way to defeat a conservative argument is like, say it a second time. Say it a second time. And they're like, fuck. So you're like, hey, Dad, say it in the voice memo. I'm going to play it conservator argument is like, say it a second time. Say it a second time. And they're like, fuck.

Yeah. So you're like, hey dad, say it in the voice memo. I'm going to play it back for you. Yeah, exactly. I just wanted him to hear it.

Did he say like how? Like with saw or with a hammer or with a? I don't know. I just picture it just like a, some kind of piercing thing. Oh God. Piercing. Like a lance?

Piercing a baby in the head, in the head. Oh my God. That's grotesque. I mean, it doesn't happen. The top is soft. That's just what I picture. Barbarism. I mean, he brought out the head. In the head. Oh my God. That's grotesque. I mean, it doesn't happen. The top is soft. That's just what I picture.

Barbarism. I mean, he brought out the hammer. The hammer... We were riffing. Yeah, we were riffing. We were riffing.

It is pretty wild to have your two jobs be delivery and abortion. She does a lot of stuff. You got to check that chart really thoroughly. You don't want to mix those two up.

Yeah, she had a rough couple of first weeks. Yeah. She, I mean, she had a rough couple of first weeks. Where's my baby? Don't worry, it's been taken care of. Yeah, you were here for the 1.30, right? Oh, you're the 2 o'clock?

No. No. They do that. People, when they get their legs amputated, they'll write on a marker like, this one, this one. Sure, sure. Do you know how you amputate a leg?

Let's say lower leg extremity, like knee down. What do you think you do? I figured you cut the blood flow and then you saw. Where do you make the incision, though? What do you think? If I'm getting this part of my leg cut off. I feel like you probably got to go, this is the hardest, so you got to get it out of the way. Well, you got to go longer, right? Because you got to give the skin a little bunch up.

Exactly. I never knew about the bunch. Oh, wow. I thought it was straight up hacksaw and then cauterized and that's how you have your stump. But they make like a nice little, it's like a bunny ears

shoe tying situation where they have the flaps of the muscle and then they bundle it up. Wait, so how do they, do they have to get the skin off and roll it up and then cut

and then roll the skin back down? Yeah, it's like a tube sock. Yeah, exactly. Or kind of like jodhpurs. Are those the pants that tie off underneath the shoe? The riding pants? I don't know.

This is more agrarian stuff. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, please, we're not the horse. You're the one who went to rodeo school, Fred. I like to picture the doctor just being like,

over under through. Like tying it, like really tying it and being like, oh, no, no, no, no. It's not like a special knot. Like tying it, like really tying it and being like, oh, no, no, no, no. It's not like a special knot. It's just a bow. Right, yeah.

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Streaming November 19th only on Disney+. Have you been there for a delivery? You don't get to like visit her at work and be like, can I sit in on this one?

Oh. Do you have medicine? It's medicine. Doctor. Human doctor. Yeah, no, dude. I'd love to sit in on a delivery? Oh. Do you have medicine? It's medicine. Doctor. Human doctor. Yeah, no, dude. I'd love to sit in on a delivery.

Yeah. Just to witness the miracle of life. You know? When you want to warm up is when you're going to wait until it's the big one. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. Are you guys considering children? We are. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's going to be

like you and me. The two of us, yeah. I like kids in the appropriate way. I know. I've heard about the Harry Potter anthem. Can I just say, I just met a really bad one the other day.

A kid? I'm a tutor. Wow. I teach music privately. I don't even know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I met this new student, and he was Machiavellian.

Wow. This kid was... I'll start at the end. This is the last thing he said to me. Bye bye, I don't like you. Wow. With a smile.

With like a fucking smile. And he kept going, he kept just swiping everything off the table and I would be like, will you go and pick that up? And he'd go, never. He'd keep saying,

never. This, four years old. Four years old? Four years old. You're teaching him, what, the guitar? Yeah, just like music. You know, it's like a... He went to his house.

Yeah, went to his house. Well, it's in a nice building, so it's on like the 60th floor communal lounge, upper east side thing. Is he talented? No. I don't know. And I'm never going to teach him again. Is he talented? No. I don't know and I'm never going to

teach him again. Really? Bye bye. I don't like you. I mean and that's funny. That's really funny. But I'm not going to put up with it.

Were his parents there or were they like sorry? The nanny was there and the nanny didn't speak any English. So I think the nanny might have been

a relative but the nanny didn't speak any English. But she did give me this one face like, I know. She gave me like a face like. Yeah. You know, she communicated. Hang in there, brother.

I know. He took my phone and was like threatening to throw it. And it was wild. And I've never seen, I mean, a four-year-old, he was looking in my eyes, smiling. Knows that you can't hit him. That's the issue. I know that.

It was brutal. Wow. And so I came home, and I was like, Joanne, no babies. Sure, sure. Most kids are great. I think being in New York, though, I'm not around kids that often. I love kids. If I'm at a wedding, if I know the person with the baby, I'm like, please, hold the baby.

You're the creep with the the creep I've always had this I've always had this Like You go to airports And you see people With their babies Yeah And you know

They want a break And you know how They have a registered Sex offender list Sure I think there should be The opposite Know it all too well

I think I think there should be An opposite Of the registered Sex offender list Yeah So I can be like Hey

I'm certified Not not a pedophile. I will hold your baby. You go get lunch. You go take care of yourself. I'll hold your baby. Wouldn't that be nice? Think about it. They use a break.

I need to feel joy of innocence and youth, and we both get what we want. What's the list called? What's it called? The registered, I mean, the moment you hear that, you're like,

which registered is it? The qualified, or the- Certified. Certified. Yeah. Certified. Certified parent.

I like if you say it slowly, it clearly sounds like you're a pedophile who just made it up. Yeah. Certified. Certified parent. I like if you say it slowly, it clearly sounds like you're a pedophile. Yeah, yeah. I'm part of the certified. I feel like it's a not a pedophile yet list. Yeah. It just seems like. The lady don't protest too much.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Like, I really want to play with your kid. I'm safe. I'm safe. Yeah, yeah. Let me get that. Get over here.

Yeah, but leave. I needed to be alone with the child. We need this. Certified. Okay. I needed to be alone with the child. We need this. Certified. Okay. I mean, I am on one of those lists. I'm registered. You know, like I can be a teacher.

Right. They've done a background check on me. There are people who are on those lists. How do they test if you're a pedophile or not? They just do a background check. They hold up a picture of Macaulay Culkin, and they're like, put a bell around your penis.

That's what I think. You got to do electrodes. Yeah. And assess movement. Yeah. Well, they do when they, they do ask you questions that like,

it seems like they're trying to trick you because it's like, it's like, have you ever had sexually, sexual feelings about an underage person? Yeah. And you're like, no.

And they're like, okay, I'm going to get you next time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like they, if they say it fast okay, I'm going to get you next time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like they, if they say it fast enough, they're going to trick you and you're going to be like,

have you ever had sexual feelings about a underage person? It's like, yes. Oh, I meant no. Oh, damn it. They did that.

Well, I did the birthright trip back when Israel was chill. Yeah. That's so funny oh god i have a whole chunk about the birthright trip and i still have to like figure out the framing of it yeah they're like hey uh but they said in that interview they did a phone interview and at the end they they said do you accept jesus christ as your lord and savior and that's first they go are you jewish who's Jewish? Did you go to temple? And then do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?

And it was so weird to be asked that. Like I had this impulse of like, that's none of your business who my Lord and Savior is. Wow. Did you blow it?

Were you like? I said, I'm on the fence. Are you going to give me this trip? Wow. Bring me over. Good trip,

unfortunately, got to say. Can't lie about the trip. Did you enjoy pleasures of the flesh? So they do this thing where the soldiers, the IDF, again, back when they were nice, and they would send a couple on the trip. And the rumor was people would fuck the soldiers. They were all dating. They were all pretty liberal, too.

Progressive for them. But I did hook up with someone on the trip. But not one of the soldiers? No, not one of the soldiers. Because I always heard they put the babes on the bus with you. Like the I double D F. That's what I heard. They were all in relationships.

And we were like, you know, compared to someone who's a soldier, we were all New York. We were like Brooklyn-y, soft. We were soft. Yeah. But if you meet your partner on that trip, they'll give you free marriage in Israel. That's the whole point.

They'll give you a home that used to belong to a Palestinian, and it's a fantastic arrangement. Amazing, amazing. More like Palestinian. Look at this place. It's beautiful. Look at the ceilings. You can barely see the shell holes.

I saw this thing. I mean, at this point, it'll be dated. It'll all be resolved. But Tiffany Haddish was like headed over to Israel. I thought you meant the thing over there is going to be resolved. That was a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sure it will be. When's this airing? March 5th? Yeah, it'll probably be. It'll probably be. We're going sure it will be. But it was like Tiffany Haddish. When's this airing? March 5th? Yeah, it'll probably be. It'll probably be. We're going to figure it out. We'll figure it out. State three, state four,

we'll figure it out. However many states it takes. And it was like Tiffany Haddish. It was her on a nice seat on an airplane. I'm going over to Israel to check it out for myself. Okay. Like Tiffany's going to be brought to...

She's going to be given the real tour. Yeah, bird's eye view. Yeah, yeah, yeah. given like the real tour. Yeah, bird's eye view. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The real stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't sugarcoat it for Tiffany Haddish. No.

She's not on that same list you're on. No. Remember that little whoopsie they swept under the rug? Oh, that's right. Yeah. She was on, it was like, I forget. Tell me what you remember because I feel like you don't, I feel like you're misremembering.

It was on a camera. Because it sounds like you're about to be like on Epstein's list. No, it was like a sketch she like did a sketch and it was the child was nude and she drew him in her own blood sketch sketch SNL

yeah speaking of the sketch was Aries Spears who he it was like he's babysitting and the whole thing is like, don't have a male babysitter. Like, it's just like careful.

And so like the kid is, uh, he's in like, I think like a diaper or whatever. And he's like, he's, it's too old. Too old to be in a diaper.

Yeah. Just, it's weird. It was on Twitter. It was on Twitter. I was one of those, I was scrolling and it started playing. And I like,

I was like, I need to go away. The FBI, you know, I can't even see this sketch but like he's he's holding a newspaper and there's eye holes and he's like looking at the kid through the newspaper and it's oh and then there's the at some point he's like giving the kid a bath and and he doesn't you know he doesn't fuck the kid or anything but it's hey no spoilers no spoilers it's just like the whole thing is like creepy creepy babysitter that's the sketch yeah what's the premise uh-huh right out of the headlines creepy yeah baby writes itself and it's just like self-produced

it was on funny or die at some point yeah and but you know it's when we all you could upload things to funny or Die. Yep. Poor Funny or Die had to be very clear. Oh, yeah. We made a mistake letting people just upload whatever they wanted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of snuff films on there. On Funny or Die. Yeah. Live leak for Funny or Die. Yeah. Nice.

I'm trying. You do great. Guys, I'm so glad to be here. I feel like the fumes are coming out of my eyes. I keep seeing So many people die On Twitter My Twitter feed

It's just like It's people dying? Oh my god Just constantly It's just like Here's a crazy accident Or like They show you something

And you're like Did that person die? And you go to the replies Like that person did die In fact It's just the shrug emoji It'll be like What you'll see

It'll be like a woman Jumping into You know A frozen lake Into like a hole Like that's be like, what you'll see, it'll be like a woman jumping into, you know, a frozen lake into like a hole. Like that's what, that's what you first see. Yeah.

And she just drops and then vanishes and then you're like, oh, did they find her? And they go to reply like she was never seen again. Oh my God.

It's a guy, one of the worst, I mean, you know, the world is full of horrors. There was some guy. No, the world is fine.

He was on a honeymoon where they had like a glass bottom floor or whatever. Yeah, a glass bottom boat. But it was like, it was the hotel. Oh, he was swimming under it, right? Swim under. He has a note. Will you marry me? She says, yes, yes, yes.

And then he never comes up. Oh my God. Never comes up. And never comes up. Why my God. Never comes up. And never comes up. Why do you post that? That's the funny thing about like, okay, I'm going to propose to her.

So you hide behind the bush and then you film the whole thing. And then, you know, propose, you pop up, we'll go to dinner. It'll be great. And that guy's just behind the bush.

And then, you know, his head explodes or whatever. You get, whoa, you know, world stars it. Why do you post? Here's my movie pitch. She said no. and then his head explodes or whatever. He gets, whoa! World stars it. What do you post?

Here's my movie pitch. She said no, but only she knows that she said no. Oh, wow. And they know that he proposed because the paper got stuck to the bottom of the glass. It says, will you marry me? And it's like waving. And she knows she said no. Right.

And he started crying. Maybe he did it on purpose. But then her family's like, oh, my God. It was his wish to marry you. Thank you so much for loving our son. You said no. Right. And he started crying. Maybe he did it on purpose. But then her family's like, oh, my God, you know, it was his wish to marry you. Thank you so much for loving our son. You said yes. And she's like, yeah, I said yes. And then they're going to give her some money or something. Some money.

Yep. Yeah. And then it comes out halfway through. But at that point, she's already married to the twin brother. Perfect. There's your twist. I think you guys should do this. You guys should write this together. Hey, listeners and viewers,

we need $1.3 million to make this come true, so join that Patreon. Speaking of the Patreon, join the Patreon. Patreon.com slash downside bonus episodes, live episodes, my comedy special, The Rats Are In Me. Check it out. Patreon.com slash downside. You put your special on rats are in me check it out patreon.com slash downside you put

your special on your patreon it was i recorded it for uh serious xm i did like a clean special yeah so it wasn't one that i was like looking to release publicly i just wanted that sweet christian radio money yeah of course i'm not a clean comic i'm a pretty i'm pretty fucking yeah you're a young nasty man people people they think i'm clean because I smile now and then. Yeah. Because I'm a theater kid. That's why it's so funny you're a theater kid because you mingle with people who

my theater kid energy I feel like automatically makes me repulsive to them. I understand that. I think that might be a judgment on your behalf. Listen, I've never turned down an invitation to

the Allegiance of Skanks Fest. I just don't see it happen I see I just don't I just have a feeling I think they'd like you You'd do great there I don't know

I don't know I'd be self-conscious I think so I write jokes You're very funny Yeah, yeah, yeah They're there to watch funny comedy

I was also nervous about doing Skank Fest the first time I thought it was going to be like Chuds R Us and everyone's going to be wearing blackface but no

they're just like dorks Sure They sure just comedy dorks my girlfriend talks often about comedians who like try to come off as cool yeah she's like you're a fucking clown yeah like you're going up on stage to tell your jokes wouldn't agree more the fuck up with your you're cool yeah yeah you're cool right it is amazing how some people can pull that off though who does that who's cool the cool thing yeah i don though. Who does that? Who's cool? The cool thing. Yeah, I don't know. Who's cool?

Who's a comic? Jesselnick's cool. Jesselnick kind of is like icy, you know? He's standoffish in a way that makes you want him to like you. Yeah, makes you lean in. Makes you lean in, for sure. Who's cool? Yeah, who's the guy who does, oh, Kill Tony?

Kill Tony? Yeah, he's cool. I don't think Tony's cool. His vibe, whenever I see him, like he's smoking a cigarette, that to me is cool. You don't think he's cool? No.

Oh, he's not cool? I'm a big fan. Yeah. Yeah, I like Tony, but I don't think he's cool. But I also think cool is like wearing an ascot. I envy a lot of the cool stuff that I can never pull off.

An ascot. Well, I think an ascot would be huge. I wear scarves when I go that i can ever pull off an ascot well i think an ascot would be huge i wear scarves when i go to paris i'm so self-conscious the whole time oh wow we're like silks you know you look great scarf i'd look really fucking cool in a silk dude if for one of your barstools you had put on a silk i almost felt different i don't want to i'm not telling a fit may i drop that when i got to the barstool office, there was a woman selling a bunch of hats and stuff because it's cold out, and she had silks, three for $5, and I almost bought a fucking silk

to wear to barstool, man. But I did not because I know what they would say. I heard the comments before they typed them. Yeah. Do you still like the theater? I mean, you're here in New York. Are you going to go see a show? Oh, yeah, are're going to see a show

You know what show that I saw recently Was Caperland Show Her one woman show Yes yes Was it good? Yeah That's very cool Yeah and she's cool

I always thought she was cool You know yeah But to me I guess the definition of cool It's the Groucho Marx It's a club that wouldn't have me as a member Right yeah That's the one where I go, wow, they're cool. And then the moment they're nice to me, I go, what a fucking loser.

I truly feel that. The moment someone says a compliment to me, I'm like, well, your taste sucks. I just say thank you. That's flattering. I say that all the time now. And I don't know if it's... That dead tone tone with with well i want to be done with it when like when you're doing the meet and greet afterward you're like oh my god blah i saw this i read this blah blah i'm like thank you that's very flattering and then i'm like what's your name where do you work you know i'm touching

them i'm always touching the guys giving noogies out to just be deflect from talking about me anymore yeah yeah these these uh these meet and greets they're exhausting i know but they're very deflect from talking about me anymore. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. These mean greets, they're exhausting. I know, but they're very necessary. These are after the show? After the show. Yeah, because you guys just spend an hour talking about yourself anyway.

Yeah. So it should be about them, right? Yeah, but I'm definitely like, I don't mean this to come off in any braggadocious way, but on two show days, I'm getting close to being like, I can't do it after that first show. It's exhausting.

I'm right there with you, dude. I know. I know that. And I tell people now, if you're going to come to the shows, like on my pod, Chubby Behemoth, check it out. I will be like, hey, if you want to meet me, please come to the late show because I'm so tired.

And by the time that that first meet and greet's over, everyone is mad at you because they're like, we've got to clear the lobby. So they're like rushing people through the line and stuff. So then they have a bad experience, and I look like a dickhead, and the door guy's pissed. It's just a lose-lose all around. Well, you've got to tip the door guy.

You've got to tip the door guy. Yeah, I know. You've got to break him off. You're breaking off 20s to everybody. I gave with 30 this last round, I said. Wow. Hey, good for you. Do you sell merch?

Yeah. Yeah, so that merch is nice. So you got to be out there after the first show to sell that merch. The merch is nice. I'm tired of it. I got this one piece of merch.

It's a cum towel and I'm like, I feel like I have evolved beyond it as an artist, but it sells so fucking well. Wait, so you're making fun of me for doing Barstool

and you're selling cum towels? Yeah. How's that glass house? Can you see out of it? No, because there's towels stacked against the walls that I'm bringing with me. They're so easy to travel with. I said to myself,

I was like, when I go back to the city a second time, I'm not doing the towels anymore. And then I'm like, the profit margin. Do you just say it now instead of doing the joke at the end? Right before you end, you go, cum towels! It's a four-minute chunk. And I have four alternate ways to...

I've been doing it for so long that I do... I don't want to spoil it on the podcast. Don't do it. No, I'll do it. Don't ruin the cum towel chunk. The cum towel chunk. I have different angles. I've explored this thing every which way. Yeah. There's so, I have different angles. Like, I've explored this thing

every which way. Yeah. But it just feels like a different comedian. I'm trying to, yeah. Sure. It's a cum towel.

Right. I was in Vegas and I did, I remember when I was doing a show and like two other comics were selling cum towels and I was like,

oh, this is not, wow, this is not. You were in Vegas for a long time. I lived there for two years. Man, I hated Vegas for a long time. Lived there for two years. Man.

Wow. I hated Vegas so deeply. Brother. I lived there for a month. Yeah. Where at? In like an extended stay. Like North Vegas, Summerlin.

Oh, kind of by UV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I do not have any love for Las Vegas. Two years. What were you doing out there for two years?

My wife's first two years of med school. Oh. Yeah. And was that just when she got into? No. I was like, were you doing out there for two years? My wife's first two years of med school. Oh! Yeah. And was that just the one she got into? No, she, I was like, can you go to the one in Denver?

Toro University is an osteopathic medicine school that has a location in Harlem and they have one kind of close to San Francisco

and she went to the Harlem one and she was like, I could never do this. I couldn't be in med school and have to commute, blah, blah, blah, where we're going to have

to live, Astoria. So she freaked out. We went to the one kind of near San Francisco. It looked like where they filmed Last of Us. It was truly horrific, a post-apocalyptic. So Toro University, Nevada ended up being the right fit for her. I lived in Harlem for a long time. I would have loved to have lived in Astoria.

I would have loved it. She was like, I can't do this. She's like, I couldn't do it. I couldn't make it. Why? Harlem is chill She didn't think She could hack it

By having to commute To school And then back to school With the caseload That you get in medicine Yeah But I was kind of Heartbroken about that

I mean Vegas Yeah How do you make it? Were you doing A lot of stand up? Or like What was your Home club there?

I had a residency At the Planet Hollywood Guys and Dolls show house there. And I came in and I had a two-week residency. And I was like, cool. I won't have to leave town. I'll get this residency gig. And I bombed terrifically for two weeks.

And at the end of the two weeks, they were like, so your residency's up. And I was like, we don't have to talk about it. I know what you're going to say. You know what I'm going to say. Thank you for having me. And that was the end of it. Looking back, because this was a while ago. 2016 to 2018.

Could you do it now if you wanted to? Like, were you like, I'm not going to do what needs to be done to make this work? No, no. I'm very malleable and adaptive and supportive of my wife, you know? But it's just like the comedy you have to do up there to entertain the people who are going to the show with the comedian they've never heard of in Las Vegas. It's just the least creative people would come to my shows. I like to be silly.

I like to improvise, but no, it's just like, you got to be like, yeah, my wife's pussy reeks, and they're like, yes, I imagine it does. That's accurate to my experience. I bombed so bad one time. There was these Latvian guys. I'm on stage. The show's set up like

this I go up I do 20 I introduce another comic I bring out a variety act I come back and I do 10 minutes I bring out another variety act all right so I'm on stage and it's not going well and then I see a guy raise his hand in the front row and I look down it's nothing but fucking you know like vinyl sweatsuits you know bald gleaming. Bald, gleaming heads, chains. And I'm like, what's up, man? And he's like, no more. I'm like, what do you mean no more? And he's like, no more of you.

You are ruining my wife's birthday. And he points down. There's a woman weeping into her hands. Oh, my God. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, man. I didn't know it was your birthday. But everyone else is having fun, right?

Silence. Nobody backs you up. No one even breathing in that moment. The fact that he raised his hand to be like, I don't mean to be rude. Yeah. This needs to come to a close. This has to cease now.

Yeah. Wow. And I was like, oh, well, maybe I can make it better. Where are you from? They're like Lithuania or Latvia or whatever. You're like, never mind. Okay. Anyone from Cleveland?

Why was she crying? I mean, it was that bad. She did not enjoy my ribble sticks. It was him, dude. Don't put that on you. He was a terrible person. And he was trying to blame it on you. She said, I don't want to go to the comedy show.

And he said, oh, have fun. We'll have fun. I'm doing an accent. I don't know. We'll have fun. We'll have fun. Don't you want don't know we just perpetrated war crimes tradition yeah exactly forgotten soil oh yeah so I I try to bail I try to bail and I cannot because it's a very regimented variety show and I fucking I

got the 13 minutes of my 20 and I was finally finally like, all right, this isn't working. I'm going to bring on our next comic. How about that? And the guy's like, very good. Bring on the next comic. Next comic does fine or whatever. And then I come back out, and I'm like, hey, don't worry. I'm just bringing on the next act.

And it's a laugh. So I bring on the next act, which is a – That's the sad life. There's no more jokes. Right. No, there's no jokes oh and then uh i come back on to do my next set and he says you promise no more of you and i'm like well hey man i gotta do this like i i have to you know there's a contract involved so again i can't dig out i'm

five into the ten that i have to do and i'm like all right you know what no more of me ladies and gentlemen t Tana the Tattooed Lady. Ladies and gentlemen, Tana the Tattooed Lady. She is a Vegas show performer who knows exactly the minute she's going on stage. She does not have her tassels on or whatever it is. So I stand there for like five minutes just being like, make a little bit more noise. She can't hear you back there. And then she finally comes out.

She's furious. She's got a half sandwich in her hand. Yeah. Because she was expecting you to do that. I have three minutes, 35 seconds. Oh, my God. Yeah. It was really bad.

What was her act? It was like a sexy kind of burlesque type thing. She was very busty. She was covered in tattoos. She would do like a fan dance. It feels And I know it's a lot of maintenance To keep the body up and whatnot

But that's fine What do you have to do At the end of the night? Oh yeah Or boob Yeah The love off And then in between shows

She would just hang out With her top off in the back And I'd be like You had a good sandwich today? It's very good Yeah What is that tattoo there? Yeah, yeah, yeah Right around It's very good What is that tattoo there? Right around the nipple there

What's that tattoo right by your clavicle but no lower? It was very difficult She had like a suicide girls thing She was very becoming Suicide girls, man Oh god, that brings back memories Do they still exist? I'm married

What is a suicide girl? It was a website It was like a Tattooed kind of alt ladies. A lot of people at G probably would have hit on it. Yeah, G would have loved those girls. And it was like just pictures? Pictures.

Or like a porn site? I think it became active pornography eventually. But initially it was just a place where you could post hot pictures of yourself. We're in an active pornography situation. Yeah. I love the word active pornography. That's really fun.

Better than an active shooter. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. When I'm active pornography, usually I the word active pornography. That's really fun. Better than an active shooter. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. When I'm active pornography, usually I am an active shooter. Wow. Come on. Magoobies this weekend.

We'll know what's coming out in a little bit. I assume, yeah. You missed him at Magoobies. He did a great job. He did 13 minutes and said, I'm the tattoo lady now. So it was a lot of shows like that. man yeah it was really bad what i was struck by when i lived in vegas is like the grocery stores did not seem like you walked in they were like why are you in here yeah yeah because like no one

really it seems like no one really lives in vegas and so the grocery stores it felt like the you know when in truman show when he goes to the bus and the bus driver doesn't know how to drive the bus because he's an actor. You walk up and they're like, you want this food? And I'm like, yeah, I do. I can't eat at a fucking all-you-can-eat buffet again. I'm here for a month. For me, it felt like everything was trying to scam you from soup to nuts. And you get scammed sometimes.

But it was like the Wi-Fi in the morning and the coffee was nine. It was just every moment. And like, I get, you get scammed sometimes, but it was like, the wifi in the morning and the coffee was nine, it was just every moment and I just felt angry and I was like, please just stop. Yeah. Stop for a second.

Yeah. We're all human beings. They give you a house or did you rent a house? We rented a house. We rented a house, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a nice house.

I mean, I wrote my book there because I was so alone and that was, you know, helpful, but. You got to read his book? I know. Tell me about it.

It's called Running the Lights about an old broken down road dog. It's a novel. It's literary fiction. I'm very proud of it. That's great. I got to read it. Do you have it? I think I probably do. I'm going to read it. You want one? SamTalent.com, everybody. You could buy it.

I could buy it. I could. Share the book Share the book Well you might not want his book Yeah That's true After what he's been up to

This rascal Writing a novel Holy shit Yeah That's really fucking hard Congratulations Thank you Yeah

I mean fuck I would love to I wouldn't love to But there's always I have this like Kind of dream Of like quitting stand up Moving to Paris

Writing books That's all I That's like Wow think dream scenario i can't believe like i think the reason i do stand up is just that i get to come up with something and get the feedback and the approval from it right away immediately and i think i i can't imagine having the patience to write a novel i think i think i'd be begging people to read it constantly. I wrote this page. I need feedback. I need feedback. I get insecure without the feedback.

I go, well, I don't know if this is any good or not. Yeah, it's the complete opposite of stand-up. Because we know moment by moment if we're doing a good job at what we're doing. Didn't Norm MacDonald write a whole book and scrap the whole thing? That's the legend. He said something. He was working on a book. He ended up writing another book. But I think before that, he wrote a whole book and scrap the whole thing. That's the legend. He said something he was working on a book. I mean,

he ended up writing another book but I think before that he wrote a whole book and then he just lamented, I wrote this 800 page thing and I don't think it's good. Right. Wow.

And that's pretty, to have the wherewithal to make that decision Right. It's probably great. is really hard. Somebody should publish it. I mean,

the man's dead. He can't defend himself. Exactly. Let's do a posthumous cash grab. Yeah. Were you pals with Norm? I never met Norm. I admired him.

Even though he was in your book. Yeah, yeah. There's a whole scene with Norm in the book. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, no, I always thought Norm was good. And then he was like the crafty sage character that connected him to his successful past and his current bleak goings on.

So he just seemed to be like a good hindrance. I just assumed that you were friends with Norm. Never met the guy. Me and Egan have become good friends oh yeah yeah i really admire adam he's really funny i gotta go watch this show there's a clip today it was so funny where he they have a famous guest on david letterman and they go adam goes like oh i have a question i've been thinking about it all day where do you get your ideas from yeah and it's so just i don't know man the sensibility of of norm and his comedy in that podcast it's when norm died it was like during covid and i had covid we were in a house and my

girlfriend after like day two said no more norm clips yeah no more norm clips i and i i just liked him a regular amount and then like After his death It's just one of those When someone dies Totally Why wasn't I Enjoying this Right

Person I wish I had seen him live I saw him live once in Vegas In Vegas Yeah yeah And how'd he do He didn't do well But he was also dying

Of blood cancer You know So I gave him a pass You know With a little bit of perspective I understood You kind of said that like Norm Well yeah

I think I got the Norm stink on me for sure. Uh, yeah, no, like Norm died three days after my mom, but I didn't post about my mom dying because I thought that I think that's a weird thing to do. Go immediately to social media. So people were hitting me up being like, oh, I'm so sorry about Norm. And I would just be kind of laugh and be like, oh, that guy I never met. Yeah. I'm reeling.

The woman who breastfed me until I'm five, she's dirt. Five years met? Yeah, I'm reeling. The woman who breastfed me until I'm five, she's dirt. Five years old. Yeah, I was asking for it. Oh, yeah, heck yeah. No, no. She weaned me quick.

Yeah, I've always, because I do a lot, I post a lot on social media, but I always have the thought like my dad. You're very good at social media. You know how I take that? Yeah.

And I'm not saying you meant it that way. I hear it, I'm like, that's an insult. No, no, because here's the thing, a lot of people are inauthentic. It's like you're going at the shitty, superficial, bullshit thing that we all hate. I do hate it, but there's very few people who do it in a way where I don't think it's cloying or begging for views. That's very kind.

I appreciate it. But when my dad had a heart surgery, after he was fine, I posted elements of it because it's fascinating, but I've always thought if my father died, it but but like when my dad when my dad had like a heart surgery like after he was fine i posted elements of it because it's fascinating but i've always thought if my father died it's not like i would that's not where i would go yeah like for something really affecting that i would go i would it wouldn't be that no because the moment i do that it's like trying to make some kind of art out of it you know a version of art yeah i feel like you're humping a corpse that's what i felt like like i i'd post about my mom like three weeks later after we had her service yeah because i just didn't want to be one of these people who's

farming you know for i hate when people are like i'm so sorry thinking about you or thoughts and prayers it's like those are worthless or worthless they made you feel better but me reading that just pissed me off because of how empty that gesture is wow yeah i don't want to post about it so i don't have to put them in a position sure sure but like if you if we were having a conversation you're like oh yeah my my and my mom died last year and if if i just said oh do do because i think part of like i don't i think it's weird to do the oh i'm so sorry because you didn't enter it with that. If you had said to me, yeah, I'm having a tough time.

Right. It's my mom's. Yeah. Yeah. Then you say, I'm sorry. So recently they're like, I had a tough day. It was the anniversary of my dad's death. I was like, you got to stop celebrating that.

Yes. Like, get that out of the calendar. Well, when people, that was my thing. They'd be like, I'm so sorry. And I was like, you didn't do it, did you? You were still looking for a killer. That's a fun gag. That's fun because thing. They'd be like, I'm so sorry. And I was like, you didn't do it, did you? We're still looking for a killer. That's a fun gag. That's fun because the person has to be like, oh.

My mother likes to update the entire family about the ages that our grandparents would have been if they were alive, like on their birthdays. So it's like, Poppy, Poppy would have been 104 today. Like, what? You get that text. Yeah, I get that text. They do that with like, Michael Jackson would have been 104 today. Like, what? You get that text. Yeah, I get that text. They do that with like, Michael Jackson would have been 84. I'm like, no, he'd be in jail and we would all agree that he was.

Me, me. 96 today. Like, what? Do you have memories of these people? Yeah, I do. But like, still, it's like, what? You got to do it, not to be too morbid, but one day when your parents pass away,

you got to do it the next year to your sister. Yeah, for sure. Dad would have been 115 today. 115 today. That's so ridiculous. If your dad lives to 115, that's going to be a tough time. Your dad's still alive. Oh, yeah.

How's he doing? He's the man. Is he dating at this point? Yeah, my mom had Election night 2016 Trump's president Mom's head popped So then she had this stroke

And then for five years or so She was in a wheelchair My dad was an angel So attentive Really stepped up Like he was a man And I really admired that And now he is in grief groups

And he's 13 stepping outppin' out there. He's got a girlfriend, and we met her. Sorry, you're saying 12-step program, the 13-step is start fuckin'? I think that's the joke I was going for. Yeah. Oh, okay. That was the humorous intent. No, it's a joke.

I just was like, maybe this is part of the... 13-steppin'. Yeah. Steppin' the name of love. Right. Shout out to R. Kelly. Hey. Great R. Kelly song. Yeah. It's called Steppin' the Name of Love. Anyway. Yeah. I love name of love Right Shout out to R. Kelly Hey Great R. Kelly song

Yeah It's called Step in the name of love Anyway Yeah I love his song Still a fan I like his song

Land of the glass table Yeah But yeah he's out there He's dating He's going on a trip To Amsterdam To do a bike trip With Beth

Wow Beth Yeah Cool How old is he now? He is born in 55 So he's 69 this year. Nice.

Sure. Yeah. Because my mom told me the other day, like, sometimes she'd go on dates with guys and, you know, wouldn't know how to get back to them. She didn't want to date them anymore. And sometimes they would just die. Yeah.

And she never had to deal with it. Yeah. That's all you can hope for. Wow. Yeah. My God. I, my God. I'm just dying. Have you met Beth?

We met Beth around Christmas time. You dig her? I want my dad to have a companion. I'm very grateful for Beth. I think Beth rules, and she's got a real...

I mean, she walked into a buzzsaw. My family, me and my sister, she had a couple of margaritas, you know. I was zooted on the sauce. My brother-in-law's there. My wife's there.

I mean, she came in. She held her own. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't envy her position in that moment. My sister was pretty cold about it, but I was like, hi, new mommy, you know. Change me. Has she come to your shows yet? Beth has not attended a show.

Wow. Yeah. That'll be a big step. It'll be big. I mean... All my mom's boyfriends, that was early. Like, they came,

they saw me the day we met. Yeah. Yeah. Because your mom, she's proud of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, that's really the only way you can see Joe Marco.

It's true. It's on stage. It feels so bad. Whenever I come in town in L.A. where my siblings are now. Like part of it's like, hey, you want to go out

and see your brother talk for an hour and a half into a microphone? Yeah, exactly. And a bunch of people praise him even though you know he's a real piece of shit.

I heard you're doing 90 minutes, you psycho. That's nuts, dude. Because I was just in West Nyack after you were there. Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. They were like, you did 90 minutes. They were like, how much time do you want to do? I was like, I don't know. How much time do I have to do?

And they're like, well, I don't know. This is the last guy. you want to do? I was like, I don't know, how much time do I have to do? And they're like, well, I don't know. This is the last guy that did 90. And I was like, well, I won't be doing 90. Wow, it makes it sound like the comedy scene is kind of like, Harry Tilly did 90 minutes. No, I literally was like, whoa. It always feels good that some people go, they're like, D.L. Hewley up there.

I guess he does really long. Yeah. I want to get to Chappelle length. I want four hours, people walking out. I guess he does really long. Yeah. I want to get to Chappelle length. I want four hours people walking out. I'm reading the newspaper by the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Smoking cigarettes anywhere you want. I remember back when I was still really into watching Chappelle and it was like a four hour set of the comic strip.

And then after hour two you're like, I gotta get out of here. I got stuff to do. This is crazy. Yeah, you're lighting him. Let's go on to our next segment. This has got to stop.

This has got to stop. Oh my God. Can we turn it? That has to stop. That has got to stop. Gee whiz. Oh my God. Great producer over here.

He's going to be able to turn down in post so we seem like a bunch of pussies. Yeah. Oh my God. Sam, do you have a this has got to stop? You know what has to stop is American men.

Anyone who's not from the UK saying cheers. That pisses me off so much. If I'm like on the street and I'm like, hey, you know how to get to the fourth street

and you're like, yeah, you go up two blocks and go right and I say cheers. Boy, do I want to just jab that guy's eyes into his brain. I really hate that. And it is from Britain originally. Like that's where this is from? That's where I've seen it previously and it made sense. It seems like

a thing they do and it's charming when they do it in their wacky accent. But when I hear it here, I really, really detest that. But when you raise glasses, that's okay. Cheers is great. It's like for a mundane thing that doesn't need... The thing that would just be like, hey, thanks.

If you say cheers, god, you peaky blinder fuck. It would be like if I asked you where directions are. Where's the Junior's cheesecake place? Great improv. No, actually, wait, I say it to you. Okay. Where's the Junior Cheesecake Shop?

Oh, I think it's on 42nd Street. Good day, mate. Yeah, bingo. It's like, yeah, what is this? Yeah. What are you doing? It's kind of the equivalent of like Right On Soul Brother.

You know? It's like, that's not your experience. What are you doing? Right On Soul Brother. Yeah. I really hate cheers. Yeah. All right, let's go.

Chaps my thighs Douglas do you have a this gotta stop I think it's just like Anybody who's not me Succeeding in any way I'm really kind of sick of it You know I get pissed about that too You have got to stop this whole thing

John Marco because I don't like it I'm really Every time he gets more followers, I just fucking seethe with anger. So there it is. I'm really...

I mean, this year and last year, I'm just trying so hard to not watch... to be able to watch a comedian doing well and not feeling

just like I suck. I'm really deeply trying it. It's just like I... Because you do these headlining weekends and no one's a threat to you. I suck. I'm really deeply trying it. It's just like, because you do these headlining weekends and no one's a threat to you. Everyone's so excited to see you. I'll go to the cellar

and someone in front of me is just crushing. I'm just like, that's good. That's good, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. How lucky you are that you get to watch that. Sometimes I'm like like what's your dream show jamarco everyone's eating shit and then i walk up and you're doing a fucking murder wow and i'm i'm like and i've been saying this myself for a while and i've gotten a lot better

yeah but there is just a voice in me that goes i suck they're amazing wow never thought of a good joke i fucking suck yeah wow huh yeah you never struggle with that i've divorced myself from that completely i had a huge ship on my shoulder when i started stand up because i'd like the jock thing like fucking bury any of the people on this lineup and now i did i couldn't care less about anyone else doing anything yeah well that's great well i think it's probably a coping mechanism i'm not saying i'm evolved. I think I had to kill that same feeling. Sure.

I was like, you know, seeing festival lineups posted and like commenting underneath like fake names on their Facebook page. I did that a couple of times. Wow. What would you say? I'd be like, oh, I saw this performer at this place and they fucking ate it. I would never buy a ticket for this. Like that kind of very petty shit. Wow. Yeah. So you're the guy who's been writing that under all my videos well i wasn't

using a guy for yours yeah that was my female character yeah there you go what's yours this is gotta stop uh i i have so many here there's so many so many but like you know what it is where like i'm like like uh i think they all suck Hold up hold up hold up Say something Douglas I'll tell you this I like that wine colored shirt you're wearing Oh thank you so much What's it made out of is that corduroy

This is corduroy I got it in London Wow Cheers mate I appreciate it Yeah I got it in London And it's a little bit big I was actually just commenting We're dressed exactly the same

We're wearing painter's pants and corduroy Yeah, you look like him from the future You can't see him on the cameras, but he is Yes Okay I'll do the thing that I said here I was nervous Yeah, I'll say it.

Say it. Be brave, Jamarco. So there was this thing. I was talking about, it's about the Oscars. It's about the award shows. Okay. So like this year, and I know there was a quibble about whether this was the correct thing, but they have the first nominated Native American actor nominated for an award. a Native American actor nominated for an award.

And then the first response is like, wow, can't believe it took this long. And that's not incorrect. It's not incorrect. But then we can't celebrate anything. We can't celebrate anything. So there was this degree of people going, the nomination happened, and it was like, wow, I can't believe anything. We can't celebrate anything. So there was this degree of people going, the nomination happened and it was like,

wow, I can't believe it took this long. How fucking embarrassing of this award show. And I'm like, I could understand how someone could go, okay, take it back. Take it back then. I guess it fucking sucks. There's just a degree where I agree. I agree.

I think these award shows are, agree. I think these award shows are, we constantly understand that these award shows are all full of shit and the boards are full of shit and they're all passed down and it's an old yet we still somehow respond and react

every single year. I understand the inequities of the entire acting industry. But if you can't ever go, oh, good, then people are going to get burnt out. Right. And ultimately will not. You know what I was thinking? And I read, it will have passed by now, Shane Gill's hosting SNL.

And I'm very excited. Of course, I'm a comedian. He's a great comedian. And Seth Simons had his article. He had to have his swing. And I think many things would be frustrated about Seth Simons. But sometimes there's kernels of things he's trying to say that I'm like, oh, it is good to talk as a comedy community.

I think about what our role is in the world. I think it's interesting to talk about how comedians and the people we interact with and whatnot. But what Seth Simons does, he you know a joke about race to you are you're a nazi right he's woke scolding in the worst way and in the way and also the way where i'm like so the goal here is not to persuade anybody of anything no one who is not a hundred percent in agreement with you like like you're so fucking obnoxious about every single thing that you say. And if your goal is not to persuade anyone new, then what is the purpose of this? It's just to jerk off. And I'm pivoting to a degree, but some of it was basically about with podcasts and with guests.

It's like, okay, if you have someone on a podcast who is, at least in this particular example, a Holocaust denier. Right, yeah. Or they- Yeah, my friend Andrew. Yeah. And they expound in this way, like, is that a problem? And the issue is, you can't even discuss it because then the next sentence they go, and the comedy special was promoting racism and you're like was it or was it a joke about race but i don't know i feel like there ends up being no real conversation right and i don't know

if i'll tell you one thing that bugs me separate from from this is like i don't like alex jones on comedy things i don't like it yeah and i think it's because it's his real world impact is very clear to me yeah there is a very clear one-to-one from alex jones to parents whose kids were murdered at a school getting harassed because people think it's fake correct yeah and so but then you've you've become you start sound i feel all of a sudden just to become, you start sound, I feel all of a sudden, just to say that, you start sounding like, stop taking it so seriously, man, or stop, be a comedian, be funny. I don't know how to have that conversation. And unfortunately, I feel like people, Seth Simons, have made discussing it, you become a woke scold. Yeah.

And you become unable to literally just enjoy a great comedian being on SNL in this moment. Yeah. But then there's no conversation had. Right. And I just don't know. I just don't know. What's so bad about being a Holocaust denier? That's the other big point.

Yeah, yeah. That's the other big point. Let's get to the bottom of this thing. You know what I mean? Let's get really into it. Yeah, like I know those guys who were in that article, and it's like, sure, they might be Holocaust deniers. Sure.

But, you know, they picked me up from the airport. Sure. They're good guys, you know? Sure, sure. you know, they picked me up from the airport. They're good guys, you know? Come on. They picked me up from the airport. Yeah. I mean, potato patata, right? No, I totally agree with you. And I think that also, like, having any kind of serious conversation about stand-up, first of all, like, is a fallacy.

Because we shouldn't be like your partner said, you're a clown. Quit trying to be cool. I think that taking it too seriously is in that same boat, where it's like, as soon as we start putting ourselves up there, it's like, the philosopher's our time. But we're not meant to be as popular as we are. Of course not. There's just a degree, like

with the Joe Rogans of the world, people are always mad. They're like, why are you saying these things? And I'm more like, I think what you're frustrated is that people are listening to a comedian for these things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that problem, if that's the issue, you can't fix that at this level. Everyone always wants to fix everything at this level.

The problem isn't that people fall for things or are confused. The problem is like, well, have you taught the world about science correctly? And to fix that problem, it's going to be years. You've got to plant new seeds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to talk to people about science or make science more important in life but instead what the scolding people do is they get mad at the people they're never going to convince otherwise and and and so they just end up making noise and they look they look like woke scolds and then they shit on everyone's fun and no one can have fun anymore because they're so mad

about everything yeah if you so mad about everything. Yeah. If you're mad about everything, then that, yeah, equally, then it devalues when you're mad about anything. Because you can't be as mad about parking as you are about, you know, these big things. Or jokes. Right. They're jokes. They're fucking jokes. They're jokes.

Quit calling them statements. That's insane. Our whole lives, a joke was a joke. And you knew that. And you knew that there wasn't any, like, sincere attempt of having a joke was a joke and you knew that and you knew that there wasn't any like sincere attempt of having a conversation behind a joke that's how i took jokes and now it's like no no they want to be called philosophers well then we're going to hold them to the same standards as like can't you know and it's like you can't do that we're clowns you can't do it

we've mingled i feel like more comedians have become, try to become more than clowns. And like the philosophers or the news journalists try to become more comedians. And we've all intermingled in this big mishmash of everyone's just an entertainer. Right. And, you know, I don't think people listen to Patrice for dating advice.

We said that's a sexist, you know, that's a lunatic, and it's funny as fuck. But I feel like now, Jordan Peterson would be like, Patrice, come on, let's talk about it. Yeah, I know. And it becomes such a mix mosh. Great point.

And then you can't laugh at the Patrice because you have... Too many podcasts. It's too many... Let's cut it off right now. It's too many. We don't have a podcast now. It's too many Let's cut it off right now If you don't have a podcast now, it's over You should have to go in front of a state board And be allowed to do a podcast So I don't know because the comedian in me

Is always just like I think I always Go for the comedian But then I'm like I also think about There's the side of me that gnaws that goes like, well, is there any responsibility anywhere?

Or my thing is like, I hate it when politicians, and this is how I changed. I remember when Obama did Funnier Between Two Ferns. You were like, this is, back then, and you know, I was, I had my I'm With Her sticker on. I was a Democrat shill, and you were like, I don't like, I had my I'm with her sticker on. I was a fucking Democrat shill.

And you were like, I don't like... I didn't like how cool they were making him. Like, he's a president. He's killed people. Right. But he smoked Winstons, too. So that's pretty cool. But I was like, chill out, man.

And now I'm like, you know what? I'm sick of all the politicians anywhere involved in this because we make them cool. We lend our ability to just – it's a joke to the people who are not making jokes. And that's what frustrates me about some of the mingling that the world does. And me personally, I want to try to not do my own code yeah you know so that's just where that's just just seeing that article because i go like i go like shut the fuck up i'm so excited to see this yeah of course and then you're a fan of comedy you should be excited of course he's very

good at comedy of course yeah and then like and listen i, my Jewish roots are not that tight, but I go like, I go like, yeah, Holocaust denial isn't, it's not great. It's not what you want. It's not what you want. It really is not what you want.

You want to mince about the numbers, but the whole denial, wholesale, Holocaust, six or five. It takes a lot of chutzpah. If you're really, if that's really what you want to do

with your fucking life, mince between six or five. Right. And in that instance, those guys never thought they were going to have a successful podcast. Sure. And that's my greater point want to do with your fucking life. It's between six or five. Right. Um, but in that instance, those guys never thought they were going to have a successful podcast. Sure. And that's my greater point. It's like,

it's not the, like, well, you, you want to get rid of crazy people in the world. You're supposed to make it so you go, that person's crazy. I'm going to take history lessons,

not from that person. Yes. Yeah. That's a different thing. Yeah. Yeah. That's not whining about one of their, their friends is very funny yeah

it's the inability it's the true deep inability just be like to admit like this guy's funny and that to be that funny is just like there's other people who could be this funny it's like that's not true yeah this is a uniquely yeah talented funny person right yeah he's very good at this hard talk about someone who i saw him at the VU a year ago and it was like, that was one of those I almost killed myself after.

Because he was crushing so hard? Yeah, it was like, it was just a, it was a brutally good 15 minutes. Yeah. Wow. But it made me stronger. Yeah, good.

Let's go to our last segment. You better count your blessings. You better count your blessings You better count your blessings That was an okay volume Yeah, yeah, yeah, nice Now that it's a good volume, what did you think of the song? It's okay I would have loved to have heard these rockin' tunes

That have been deafening me Deafening your ears? Yeah, yeah That's something that should stop Every time I come on here I would have loved to have heard these rockin' tunes that have been deafening me. Deafening your ears? Yeah, yeah. That's something that should stop. Every time I come on here, we have to kind of make a big deal about the music, and we don't.

It's fine. I did it in like two minutes. Yeah, but still. Thanks, thanks. Millions of people. No, I worked very hard on it, but it's like one of those things where everybody goes, the guest feels obligated to be like,

oh, sounds good. I mean, you didn't, but it's okay. I would if I could hear anything. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I would have gladly given you your flowers. Blessings. Blessing. You got a blessing?

Yeah. I feel I'm blessed to be surrounded by people that have opinions on things. I think it's really boring when people just like everything. And I really love my cynical friends. You're definitely the most cynical person I've ever met in my life. Russell has it in him. He's got kind of both.

He's got kind of both. There's a button to just end humanity. Like, he's pressing it sooner than me. Oh, you think so? Yeah, he's a fucking... Yeah. Anyway, people with opinions. People that care about something.

You know, like, fucking... When you go to a museum, be like, I hate that. I hate that painting. Fuck that painting. You know? Oh, I love that. Have something to say.

Don't be boring. Yeah. And so that's my blessing. People with opinions. My blessing... It was a very good week. did i did acid everyone i did acid with some of whom probably are in professions where they don't want to be known as the acid people sure but they took uh they took great care of me i'm a little bit neurotic at the beginning

of all these things and then pretty soon the moment they're like do we want to do more i'm on board i'm like yeah there you, uh, I'm glad my girlfriend, uh, pressured me for a long time to get me to do this. And, uh, hopefully we never do one that makes me regret following her lead. Yeah.

Give a blessing. Yeah. But I mean, like, I just, I'm so grateful for everything all the time that it's like not interesting. Yeah. Yeah.

I have this attitude of gratitude, like literally, like I'm grateful for breaths and like flowers and like light hitting buildings i just walk around like completely beholden to just how great that i got my next heartbeat you know what i mean so how much acid do i have to do to get to this place i think your mom has to die i think that's a big part of it yeah wow yeah yeah because i just like know like how fickle And frail This whole matrix That keeps us alive is

And I'm just like so stoked That I get to be alive Wow Which I know I got specific instructions It was like Don't make it some Like fucking big thing

Be specific But like I'm so sincerely happy About living and breathing You know I love going to Botanical gardens That's a blessing for me

Go to botanical gardens In your town Spring's about to hit You're gonna have a great time Yeah go at the right time Cause if you go at the wrong time They're like Huh you should see this in spring

Yeah like why are you here Joanne and I went Like in the summer And the guy was like So over here It's the roses usually But you gotta come in spring Yeah yeah

It's all thorns There's no buds right now Exactly Yeah Oh the extra blessing I want to say is that first of all you're very gracious

being late but apologizing in a way that made me feel like respected but I'm also grateful to have a manager that I can call and go

what the fuck this is fucking bullshit to have a manager that I can be I'm a cursor my dad was a cursor and to just be able to have a manager

that I can talk the way that I want to talk, and go, fuck that guy, fucking drop him as a fucking client, or I will fucking tear this shit down, is nice.

I'm glad that you have that relationship with him, because I would never speak to anyone that way. I know this guy works for me, but I can't boss them around, dude. I didn't say to you fucking people, Yeah, he wasn't cursing at him. How fucking dare you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I get frustrated. That's just how I communicate. I don't know. It's literally part of my language. And I know with my guy that we can talk like that and he's not going, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. And that's nice. You got to be able to curse, baby.

Yeah. No, I think so. And also, I think that it's cool that you're able to be so confident that you're able to be direct with people that way. Because I'm not direct. Long time, yeah. Yeah. No, I'm just like, oh, whatever.

Sure, five paws. That's cool. Yeah, whatever you think is good. I'll do it. Sure. That's a lot. You did a lot of talking today. I did, yeah. But I think I was active,

engaged in this. This was a blast. Yeah, it was great. Yeah, thank you. Oh, yeah. Join the Patreon, patreon.com slash downside. This is coming out in March.

I'm going to be at Cap City Comedy Club March 8th through 10th. LA, Netflix is a joke, May 2nd. Uncle Function, May 3rd. Downside Live, also May 3rd at the Comedy Store Original Room.

Get your tickets now. Link below. Sam, where can people find you? SamTalent.com. I'm on the road every weekend. And also, I just put out a travel show today on my YouTube. So subscribe to that YouTube

and see me in Japan. We got Paris coming up. We got Rome coming up. So exciting. I'm going to Tokyo in August. Are you? Are you doing stand-up? Uh-huh.

Yeah? Wow. Tokyo Comedy Bar? I believe so. Yeah, that's a great room, dude. And I've been wanting to go to Japan for forever. Yeah. So I'm going a couple extra days.

If you need rec slip, I'll tell you one thing, dude. I absolutely will. August, it's going to be brutal. I was there in August when we filmed this last year. 100 degrees, 100% humidity. It's very hot. Really? Very sweltering, suppressingly hot.

I have no problem wearing shorts on and off the stage. Brother, me too. We're on the cutting edge of that. We're both shorts heroes. Okay, here's where this has got to stop. Shut the fuck up with this. The number of people who want to talk to me about how do you wear shorts on stage. Shut the fuck up, bro. Bro, I had to quit wearing shorts on stage

because people were saying, that's the shorts guy. And then I would wear pants and they'd say, where's the shorts? Oh, wow. It became your thing. It became my thing. I wore them in a Comedy Central set. I wore shorts. They were like five inch.

Good for you. Good for you. Well, hey, the ladies wear whatever they want. Frank Sinatra's dead. Let's live a little, baby. And gay guys are getting away with shorts here dead. Let's live a little, baby. And gay guys are getting away with shorts here and there.

And I go like, listen, listen, then me, I'll break that wall. There's only, there's so few barriers I can break as a straight white guy.

Let me break the shorts one. But people say, the one thing that someone told me that I, this is the only thing that made me consider it. They said,

you don't want your audience to feel overdressed. I know. So for some gigs, not all gigs, but like if it's a theater, I get that made me consider it. They said, you don't want your audience to feel overdressed. I know. So for some gigs, not all gigs, but if it's a theater, I get that. Sure, yeah. But if it's hot, I'm wearing fucking shorts. And this idea that this is the rule, you can deny the Holocaust, but you can't wear shorts off stage.

Shut the fuck up. Douglas, where can they find you? Hey, listen to War Mode, everybody. I'm a Patreon subscriber right here. Those guys are my friends. You can follow me at thedouglasg Instagram, TikTok, all this good stuff.

How many Patreon subscribers do they have? I think 8,000. So you think they're just lying And it's actually 7,000 Well some people say it's 6,000 This is the downside 1, 2, 3 Downside Downside

You're listening to The Downside The Downside With Gianmarco Cerezi