The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #193 Balls in His Pocket with Harrison Greenbaum

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

Comedian and magician Harrison Greenbaum joins to share the downsides of being judged by Norm Macdonald on the Last Comic Standing, discovering a secret about his holocaust survivor grandpa, why Harvard SUCS, and the effect of racial humor on prejudice.  Gianmarco shares the bachelor party gig that almost made him quit standup comedy. Follow Harrison on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, & Facebook Read Harrison's new book, You Are Terrible: The Book, here See Harrison in a city near you: https://www.harrisongreenbaum.com/tour Follow The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi on Instagram Get tickets to our live podcast recording in NYC on May 13 https://www.showclix.com/event/the-downside-w-gianmarco-soresi OR come to our live podcast recording in LA at Netflix is a Joke Fest on May 3! https://thecomedystore.com/the-downside-with-gianmarco-soresi/ Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Technical production by Chris Mueller Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by A Real Pain. From Searchlight Pictures comes one of the buzziest films at Sundance Film Festival, A Real Pain. Written, directed, and starring Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg alongside Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin. Witness a hilarious and moving story about two mismatched cousins as they tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th. Welcome to The Downside. My name is DeMarcus Araizi and I am horse. Oh, he's horse. I am horse.

Why are you horse? You weren't horse last night. I just saw you. It was started. It's been many, many days. I went to this SNL party on Saturday and my body's not made for the SNL party And to answer your question Lauren No the downside will not be on your show You need us more than we need you Wait I have a question do you have shows tonight

You're going to do it like this I'll be fine You know what happened to me Don't worry it's many weeks ago I see that look of I've been mistreating my voice very badly. But you saw me. I was at the cellar. My foot started hurting.

I couldn't walk. I couldn't walk. I called Tova. I said, I think I need crutches. We may have to go to the emergency room. And then it went away an hour later. What was it? I take back all the sympathy I expressed for you that night.

I have never had, like I was on stage and like I couldn't move, which you know is 90% of my jokes. Yeah. And, uh, what is he from Los Angeles? Part of it, part of it. It's always, it's always good When you have a challenge Like Like if I can't yell

It's like Oh cool Let's see How I The new way to tell this joke The new musicality But I I could not pick up my foot

Weird And then an hour later It went away And my trainer said Oh Feet swell I don't know I think death is coming I told you about the guy in Seattle and my trainer said, oh, you may feet swell. I don't know.

I think death is coming. I told you about the guy in Seattle who said, come over. You can put your foot in my mouth. Yeah. How much is, how much? He said, name your price. What'd you name? Tova wasn't cool with it.

Okay. Because it never, it never ends with the foot in the mouth. It wouldn't be cool for any price. That's what I'm saying. I cannot take. I think it's scary. He's a foot in the mouth. She wouldn't be cool for any price? That's what I'm saying. I cannot take... I think it's scary. She's a Jew and an agent.

I'm sure there's a price with which she would be satisfied. I think, though, that you have to change the parameter maybe to come do it at the show or something. You don't want to go to someone's house. Yeah. What would you do it for? Be honest. Really deep down.

You go to a house. You don't know this person They might be sad You might see around their house Where the money should be going And they say They say for an hour 30 minutes each foot For an hour

They're gonna pay a lot Oh I thought I was just You just put your toe in You can read a book You can do some magic That sounds great 100 grand 100 grand

If somebody gave me 100 grand How could you turn that down? Okay 100 grand Okay grand somebody gave me 100 grand how could you turn that down oh okay 100 grand okay five grand i wouldn't do that five five five's too low also you do it for five bucks no i think 10 grand sounds more so then the guy he said would you i don't think i talked about this here. He said, would you ship me some used underwear? Ooh. But there were specifications. I had to wear it for, now that's ooh for you,

as opposed to putting the foot in the mouth. Well, it depends. In my mind, he's offering me 100K for this foot thing and like $5 for my underwear. But maybe I had the whole finances. I think for me, the ooh about the underwear is the, I have to go to the post office. Like, it's like the work.

I have to like do work. Like, I hate going to the post office. It's like the work. I have to do work. I hate going to the post office. That, for me, is like... That's the one thing stopping you from Finn. I'll give you my home address. You drive here, and I'll give it to you in person rather than me have to mail something. Real kink is just making people go to the post office for him.

I love mailing. People are making a lot of money doing this, and I think you'd be You're good at roasting people Like I think you could do it Like you could talk Like you filthy fucking pig Like Finn Dom

I think you can do it Oh like dirty talk? No No not even dirty talk Just like you're a filthy piece of shit Just off the dome Real like aggressive You would have to have like

I feel like the problem with mine Is I would write jokes for it like they'd be like solid yeah i'd want them to be like really well constructed sure well i bring that up because early on i i one of my earliest paid gigs was when you turned down whoa it was a roast uh something Long Island, someone's second marriage. Oh, yes. It was a bachelor party. It was a bachelor party. Oh, my God. You turned that down. Wow. Harrison turned that down.

The money was not enough for what that was. And when they went from Harrison to me, this was five, six years ago, I was like, that's like, oh, we couldn't get, not to blow smoke up your ass, but we couldn't get Brad Pitt. Let's get Russell Daniels wow like just a real a real

that wasn't about looks that was just about fame no I know yeah we couldn't get Josh Gad yeah let's get Russell Daniels yeah yeah yeah it doesn't make sense

but I did find the recording because I still I keep all my oh no I just find I just want to see if the beginning oh man

I remember you called me after this so I'm really happy to be here. I know a lot about second marriages. My father was on a second marriage. He's now on a second divorce.

So I know how these things go. I was talking to Zach because we both have divorced parents. The difference is my parents got divorced when I was seven days old. In this case,

it probably wasn't my fault. I was talking to Zach, saying the worst part about having divorced parents is, you know, having to watch your parents date. That's the worst part.

It's gross. But I told him, I told him, yeah, you gotta, he has it easier though because my dad is currently dating a 23-year-old.

Wow! No, no, no. That's so hard. I don't even tell your father what he's made of. That's so hard. I feel like it would have been more dignified if you mailed him your underwear. That would have been...

Wait, was this the one where... More dignified. Did you at one point make some fat jokes or something about one of the wives? Yeah, I really mean to go through... Oh, no. No, not the fat jokes about the wife. No, no, no.

I had many fat jokes about him. Okay. Oh, okay. I had many fat jokes about him. Okay. I met with his kid, Zach. Yeah. And I was going above and beyond. I remember what the money was. That is unbelievably above and beyond. It was $600.

Which for me... To go all the way out into the middle of nowhere in Long Island. Yes. And do a 30-minute roast. Yeah. And I don't know what I thought. I thought it would be like A panel

Like a Like a dais I really I wore a suit It was just a bunch of dudes In a room I wore a suit You wore a suit for $600

I wore a suit And I was listening On the way over I was listening to Eminem's Lose Yourself Wow And I was like It was my first

600 You remember the first $600 minus the cost Of the dry cleaning Sure Sure But the You remember that like First $500 gig Sure That first grand gig 600, you remember the first. It's $600 minus the cost of the dry cleaning. Sure, sure. But you remember that first $500 gig,

that first grand gig? Now I wouldn't even move for a grand. But wait, you're in an empty room? Like you're just in that bachelor party room? Or is there other people at the restaurant? So they brought me to this back room and it was like a little private room. Yeah. And everyone was there.

The last person to come on the cookie has to eat it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Everyone there was wearing shorts and T-shirts. Not suits. Not suits. They were sitting in a circle. You did all of this research and talking to the guy,

and you never said, what is everybody wearing? I assumed batch i don't know i again i i really thought in my mind like friars club yeah and when i walked in there was in a round table and it was as it was as if they were doing me a favor like i was a nephew and they said please can he come in and they said fine but we're gonna eat the whole time and they're just they're eating and i'm moving around. They said, do you want anything to drink? I asked for a Merlot. One of them said,

do you want a straw with that? Everyone started laughing. Hero better roast drugs. And so, I had no cards. I mean, this is pathetic. Wow.

And what they wanted is what I think you could have done. You go and go, boom, you're gay, you're fat, you're gay too, you're gay and fat.

And that's what that's all they wanted 30 minutes which is tough it's also a bachelor party I think anytime when you get those calls you also have to be like

hey I feel like most of the group wants a stripper like if I come in instead of a stripper it's gonna be the expectations versus reality here

but this was second whoever's organizing it doesn't really know but it was second bachelor party So these guys are 50 So there were kids Like not kids But there were sons

There were teenage sons Right With their dads So it's not like It's not like you're a bachelor party With all the sex workers And you're cheating on your wife But it was

It was So basically I made like jokes About him being fat And then he got annoyed He was like Whoa Enough with the fat jokes well i was like i'm looking through my note cards dozens dozens all fat jokes yeah so i move

on to his wife i say um oh gary everyone says you love eating out well everyone except for your wife and he goes whoa whoa her son's right there i'm like please i can't make fun of your wife and what happened towards the end is this joke which I think was decent enough I said

I also hired a second writer to help me write even more of these I said oh Gary's Gary your fiance is always dressing to the nines

to make up for the fact that she's a six okay decent decent alright Dean Martin decent well you heard me

there's also early in stand-up. So I was talking like this, like really elevated. And then one of his friends said, no, she's a two. Oof. A size two, that is. And Gary went, oh, that was funny. We should have hired you instead of this guy. And I was, I mean, brutal.

Man. Let me just see it. There was one last part that you really just captured. Oh my God. It was supposed to be. Because I was in the Friars Club, a lot of those calls come through

because they're like, hey, he's in the Friars and I've done roasty stuff and I enjoy doing roasty stuff. But this one, I learned my lesson on it. She was like, it's my husband's 50th surprise party.

And so one of the surprises will be that he gets roasted in front of everybody. And it was like a sizable crowd. Like there's at least a hundred people in this place. And I was like, I need information about him. So she sends me all these facts. And after like joke one, I realized she has sent facts that she has not cleared with the husband.

So I'm saying things he does not want the rest of the group to hear. Like one of the facts was like, we don't have sex anymore. And he was like very embarrassed about it. But the wife was like, that'll be fun to make fun of. We don't have sex anymore. And so I was dead in the water from the get. Were the friends laughing and he just looked mortified? Well, once the birthday guy looks mortified, that's really tough.

And I love you freaking out. You're like, I got these facts directly from your wife. Yeah. She said. Which makes it worse because they're like, these are freaking out. You're like, I got these facts directly from your wife. Yeah. She said. Which makes it worse because they're like, these are definitely true. How much?

It was more than 600. So, it was, I was looking at the clock the whole time. I mean, it was, I called eight people after.

It truly could have been the moment that I quit stand-up comedy. It was, it was that low jesus and and uh russell well i talked i answered the phone call that day i remember did you did you talk me off the ledge or did you say i remember i mean i remember it being a funny story but uh that that is such a nightmare to go into that again it's the thing of people organizing a party where you're like no one wants wants this. No one wants this.

And I warned them, too. No one wants to stand up at a bachelor party. No one wants that. I think it was when they called me, I was like, I don't know if this is really the best idea. Like, let me give you some reasons. And here's some other suggestions. And they weren't. They didn't want to hear it.

No. I could have saved a young John Marco. You could have. All right. I know this is torture, but I just want to hear the last part. I think this is it. This is, this is,

I ended five minutes early, which you can ask anyone. I've never ended a set early. You're still never going to travel south while you're waistline. I'm sorry. She's your lucky guy. For some husbands and wives,

the wedding night is the first night they have sex. But I think your wedding night is going to be the last time you fuck. I'm just kidding. What are we left with? Guys, guys. That was three years ago. There you go. I love the wedding band.

I'm just kidding. I know you can't get it up anymore. Yeah, you're less doing Santa than facilitating a conversation amongst friends. Yeah. The only thing that you spend more money on in the wedding

is the Cialis pills. Wow. I can hear the clinks of silverware. I know the microphone's working They did not like that You know sometimes when you turn down a gig I get very neurotic once I If I've ever said no to something

And I'm like man maybe I should have done it Maybe that would have been the sliding doors Where I become successful This is one of the few moments where I've never been happier that I turned a gig down. There are so many moments. One, two, three.

Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi. Welcome to The Downside. My name is Gianmarco Cerezi. I'm repeating the intro. If you're tuning in, this is a place where people can get negative.

They can complain. They don't have to say why they're grateful. They don't have to pretend things are nice. And we'll support them in their negativity. If you're a fan of the show, join the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Downside. You get early access to episodes. One bonus live episode a month. One bonus Patreon-exclusive episode every downside. You get early access to episodes. One bonus live episode a month.

One bonus Patreon-exclusive episode every month. It's just me and Russell and my comedy special, The Rats Are In Me. We also have a live taping coming up May 3rd for the Netflix. It's a joke festival at the Comedy Store. I'm here with my co-host, Russell Daniels, and our guest today, stand-up comedian, magician, writer, Harrison Greenbaum. Thank you for being here. Thanks for having me. I think the horse voice works for you.

You sound even more like a Kovechi old Jew. I do. Well, I listened to your interview with Penn. What is it, Penn or Teller? Which was it? Penn. Penn. And he has a-

The irony is his name is Teller, but he doesn't talk. That's how I remember it. Oh. I will now remember it the same way Indica, Indicouch, Sativa, whatever. Roy G. Biv. We need more of these. We need this for like

morals. Don't poke where you joke. What? Don't poke where you joke. Sure. More rhymes. If people only knew that, the whole Me Too movement wouldn't even need to have happened. So... I had to make them up for magicians, by the way.

There's don't poke where you joke, which is, you know, don't shit where you eat, but for comedians. And magicians don't have that because they don't get laid. But I thought it would be good to come up with some.

So I have don't jizz where you whiz. Don't fornicate where you press to digitate. Oh. Whoa. Those are a couple. Press to digitate oh whoa wow those are a couple press to digitate that's magic is that telling the future

no no press to digitation is magic I've never heard that why do they need that extra word for magic I have no idea

thaumaturgy that's another good magic word I'm trying to rhyme with magic words what I'm trying to rhyme words with magic oh god

yeah do you want us to take a pause or no well I'm trying to rhyme words with magic. Oh, God. Yeah. Do you want us to take a pause or? No. Well, I'm so happy to have you. I love having on magicians. Do you, in your heart, are you a comedian first or a magician first? That's such a good question.

I always, my sort of point of difference, but especially when I'm trying trying to like Tour my I do like a comedy and magic show And so I always say that I'm a comedian doing magic As opposed to a magician doing comedy Because almost every other comedy magician out there Is definitely just a magician With comedy And I'm a comedian with magic

So the whole thing is flipped Now without naming names I'm going to say some magicians Will tell you pretty baldly That they are also comedians. And they're full of shit. Yeah. And it's, it's very interesting when they're not. Yeah. But some of them think it, I, you know, so I have a book called you are all terrible, which started out as a lecture called you were all terrible. And I, it's a lecture I've done all around the

world for almost 10 years. And there's a, the back half of the lecture is like how to write a joke, like comedy. Um, or if you, if you are already writing jokes, how to make them funnier. Yeah. And I will ask people to raise their hand. I said, who here is a comedy magician? And they raised their hand. I said, now put your hand down. If you've never written a joke and hands go, a lot of hands go down. And then I, that's what I, I, I'm like, well, then you're not, you can't be a comedy, but you can't do comedy and not write your own shit. Like you have to know how to write a joke. How can you be a comedy magician or even call yourself a comedian if you've never written

a joke? And so there is that disconnect in the, in the community for sure. Sure. I think there's something, there's just the distinction of like, especially with a standup comedian. I've been thinking about recently, like we're standup comedy. It's not just being funny. You have to, you got to really, there's a little bit of a surprise.

The same way a magic trick, like, surprises you. 100%. A joke has to be surprising in a way that gets someone to laugh. It's a verbal magic trick. Yeah. I think it's an extension of everyone just thinks that they are funny or that they can tell jokes. You know, I think it's, for whatever reason, it's harder for people to imagine being a magician because they're like oh well that involves some blah blah jokes yeah we can have fun with my

friends i think it just like it further shows that there's just a lack of understanding and respect yeah there's a cliche in the magic community which is like comedy magicians where they're not good enough at magic and they're not good enough at comedy so they put them together i hope you don't notice And so my whole sort of thing, like I did, I kept my stuff very separate for a really, really long time. So like magic was like the way a preschool teacher would like hide her

burlesque career, like pasties in a duffel bag. Nobody should know about this. Um, cause I remember I was just, I was a baby comic. I was still in college. I was like barking for,

for time, like handing out flyers. And I was about to go on stage and I was putting sponge college. I was like barking for, for time, like handing out flyers. And I was about to go on stage and I was putting sponge balls in my back pocket. And this comedian comes up to me and he's like, what are you doing? And I'm like, oh, well, if the jokes don't work, I have this like cool closer, uh, the audience will love it. And he's like, you'll never get good at comedy if you have the safety net. And that changed my life, my career. So I took it out of my pocket and I was like, okay, I have to do straight stand-up or as straight as I can do it.

That's a direct metaphor. Like I think about that with the joke that I need to retire. But for you, it literally was a prop. Literally something in my back pocket. Did you ever get to do that though? Did you ever like bombing and you would do a trick? Well, early on because it's like I would have these magic

tricks that worked. So then at that point though, I kept them very separate. I was like, I need to be able to do an hour of just stand up. And then if I ever put the magic back in, then it's going to be like a bonus. Yeah. And so that was really important. Like even at the cellar, like I wanted to get past the cellar without them even knowing I did magic. Like it's gotta be purely on the merits of my comedy. Like that was so important to me. Um, You ever have a trick go terribly wrong? Oh yeah. And when it goes wrong,

it goes really fucking wrong. Tell me, tell me one time. Because the whole thing is a lot of tricks. Some tricks take a while to set up. So it's like that card has been signed. It's been lost in the deck. It's been shuffled.

You put it in a cannon. You've done all this stuff. Like, and then when you don't have the card, when I was in college, they had a talent show before. It was freshman year of college. All the kids get in a week or two in advance.

So you had this, what they call, camp pre-frosh. You have a week at college without having to worry about classes. It's just having fun and meeting people. So they have a talent show. And it's Harvard, so everybody's type A. So it's like the best violinist in the world, the best whatever in the world. So I did some close-up magic at the audition, just to the judges, like card tricks.

They're like, great, those were amazing, you're in. And then they put me on this giant stage outside in front of 2000 kids or whatever it was. And I was like, oh, this doesn't scale up. There's like, what am I going to do? So I tried to do a trick called card on ceiling, which is where you like, they pick a card, you throw the cards up and the card sticks on the ceiling. Um, but there is no

ceiling we're outside. So I'm like, I'm just going to do it horizontal. And so I throw the cards against the door and we're, we're on the steps of what's called mem church, memorial church. So I'm throwing a thing at the church. All the cards go at the church door. Uh, when the call cards fall away, there is no card stuck to the door. There's nothing. And so I just start riffing. And that was sort of my first ever, like standup comedy experience. We were like, Oh, that was such a funny gag that you did. And I was like, Oh, this comedy stuff is really fun. But yeah, the cards just didn't. So you never, you, you just riffed your way out of it. I riffed my way out of it i riffed my way out of it work or was it was the crowd like it did what was the whole fucking card yeah well i made it i made fun of the president

of the university and so that people were like holy and i have school hasn't even started yet i'm on a microphone in front of every kid being like larry summers was supposed to come out the door and catch the car that son of a bitch yeah uh so like i'm and then what made it crazier is i had done this trick where there's a bunch of sponge balls um and this lady opens her hand and there's like hundreds of sponge balls everywhere and i'm like you know what that's the cost of the show i'm not gonna pick them up yeah i'll just get new ones tomorrow you know sure so they're all over the steps i finish the set and i'm like you know what i want those sponge balls back so i'm gonna like crawl very quietly during the next act

because they're along the steps and try to pick up as many as i can but i get really nervous i'm want those sponge balls back so I'm gonna like crawl very quietly during the next act because they're along the steps and try to pick up as many as I can but I get really nervous I'm like kind of running but like in a squash position so I fall during this other is some like opera singer is singing uh and I tear open my knee so I'm bleeding everywhere holding these sponge balls I go back to my seat and the guy next to me goes I don't know about that last trick you did but that blood thing looked fucking amazing oh my god um now i've always been interested because i i i know you've i dealt with it the the code for magic and the code for comedy there's all these parallels yeah and then there's all these you know the ways that it's very different but talk to me about and it's a downside so complain as much as you want when it comes to inventing naming a trick

uh inventing a move like how does this whole process work do you submit it to someone have you had is there a move that is your thing that you came up with? It would be fun if I was like, oh, the old Greenbaum subterfuge. That's been a big sort of thing for me is that I think the rules of comedy and the rules of art where you create your own stuff, you start with an idea

and then you use technique to bring it to life and you put that through your point of view. That's sort of the simplest version of that, right? I feel like magicians do it backwards. And so my big thing about the lecture and the book and this whole thing is trying to get them to think more like other artists and comedians because I think magic should be the same way, right?

So you should come up with an idea and then figure out how do you make that magical. Like all the best magicians do that. Like all the real greats. Your Copperfields, your Penn and Tellers, all those people. Russell is a great comedian, but it's basically, he took it from Chris Farley. Almost every aspect.

Yeah, I started at the end point and then just worked backwards. You can go to the magic store, or now you go online to magic stores online, but people will buy a trick and it comes with a DVD or download of the person doing the trick. It comes with the script and the jokes. And so these people are just cover bands for the people who actually created the material. And then those

people, because that's happening for so long, some of the people creating the material are barely changing somebody else's thing and re-releasing it. And so it's these like copies of copies of copies. And so I'm, like copies of copies of copies. And so I'm, most art forums, there are cover bands. Comedy, I think has some of the fewest.

It's very, I don't know. It's really hard to do that. I think it's maybe 0%, right? In music, there are cover bands. There's like, you can be a journey.

Let me just say there are, I mean, it's, it's bomb in the barrel. I sometimes wish there were more. Cause I think it's, I'd rather Gallagher too. There, if you go to,

what is it called? Something salad, Gig Salad. Yes. You can get like a Rodney Dangerfield. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Or you can get, and I-

Joan Rivers. Listen, there's some comedians that I would much rather them hear them regurgitate Seinfeld than any of their act. Yeah. I think it would be cool to have act. Yeah. I think it would be

cool to have more comedy covers. I think it's admirable that there are bad comedians doing their own stuff. Like, you don't, like, that's good

for an art form. That means they're trying, maybe, and some of those bad comedians become great comedians later. Like, we've been around long enough to see that. Rodney's jokes are so...

I think there's definitely people that are influenced by, like, Oh, sure. Oh, 100%. You know, in a way that's, like's definitely people that are influenced by. Oh, sure. Oh, 100%. You know, in a way that's like so like identifiable, you know. Right. Like, hey, that's, you're basically doing this person's style.

Yeah. For sure. There's a lot of Dane Cook when Dane Cook was at his peak. A lot of Mitch Hedbergs. They're still, they're still out there. There's some people that I'm like, this is a little Dane-y, but that's fine. Yeah. So, okay.

So you want magic to have less, I'm trying to understand exactly what you're saying. Yeah. So my whole thing is like, hey, you can create a magic trick. So you can sit down and come up with a cool idea and then figure out how to make, like most of the tricks in my show, I write the script first. So I write all the jokes and then I just kind of put in brackets, like, and then that is their card or like, and then that is their thing. And so then I have to sit down and figure out how

I'm not a wizard, so how do I make this happen? Whereas the typical creative process for a magician, I shouldn't even call it creative, but they just buy the trick and the trick has Asian letters on it. So they say, I found this on my trip in Japan and then they just do the thing out of the box.

But then do people have things where they go, I came up with this move. I was the one who realized you could put the card in your asshole and then they just do the thing out of the box. But then do people have things where they go, I came up with this move. I was the one who realized you could put the card in your asshole and then pull it out of your ear. Like, are there new techniques being invented? Yes. So there's new techniques, new tricks.

Technology has always been a major part of magic. So magicians tend to be very much ahead of the curve with that stuff. The famous story is Robert Houdin. Um, so he's like in the 1800s. I hope I'm getting this correct. Um, there's about to be a war between France and Algiers. I think it is.

And so they send Robert Houdin because they believe in real magic, like shamanistic kind of magic. So they send Robert Houdin because they think maybe we can stop this war if they think we have more powerful wizards. So they send Robert Houdin because they think maybe we can stop this war if they think we have more powerful wizards. So they send a magician and he has this trunk. And they know he's a magician. Well, they say he's our wizard, right?

You can put your wizard against our wizard before we go to violent battle. So they show, we want you to meet this guy. And so Robert Houdin is like, watch this. And he takes, he has the strongest, he has a little girl come up and pick up the suitcase. And easily the box comes up.

And then he goes, I can steal the strength of any man. Send me the strongest man of your tribe. And he tries to pick up the box and he can't. And then he goes back to the girl, she can pick it up. And like, oh my God, they have the ability to take our strength. We can't fight these people. And it's just an electromagnet in the table

that he can switch on and off. but that at the time was so technologically advanced uh these guys had no idea they thought it was magic like real magic they'd shoot his head with a warrior go up and punch him in the face and go oh guess this guy's pretty easy to beat right that's crazy yeah that's what's so interesting about like the history of magic is like there was a long era and still to a degree of magicians getting away with some crazy shit because people thought they were real. Like, like I've always I've talked about how Houdini was was very much. He didn't believe any of the stuff. You can correct me if I'm wrong. That was huge for him.

And he was friends with Arthur Conan Doyle, who came up with Sherlock Holmes. And Arthur Conan Doyle believed in that stuff. That's why there was a schism. So Arthur Conan Doyle, these little girls, they said they found fairies in the woods. And basically, they were paper cutouts, but they took a good picture, sent it to Arthur Conan Doyle.

He went down to investigate. The guy who invented Sherlock Holmes, and he believed it. Hook, line, and sinker. And when they admitted that they were lying, he believed believed it hook, line, and sinker. And when they admitted that they were lying, he believed it hook, line, and sinker. Meanwhile, Houdini, who was always trying to debunk shit, he said, like, I have a secret code

I put on a piece of paper in a lock. If you can talk to the dead, bring me back. I'll tell you the code. You can get the paper, and that never happened. It was even easier than that, though, because Arthur Conan Doyle was like, I had these people, they're real. And he's like, all right,

show me any of these people. I will tell you how they do it. All right. We'll disprove them immediately. This is like, this is literally child's play. So he, he goes and he famously loved his mother. And so anybody worth their salt knew that he missed his mom.

Uh, so the spiritualist, I'm talking to your mom and I'm sent and go, what's the message from my mom? And the mom sends this whole message. I love you. And I've always loved you. And Houdini's like, obviously you're full of shit. If they do that with my mom, be like, not my mom? And the mom sends this whole message. I love you. And I've always loved you. And Houdini's like,

obviously you're full of shit. If they did that with my mom, be like, not my mom. Yeah. Ha ha. Yeah. You are incorrect.

Uh, but she never spoke English. She only spoke like she was an immigrant. So she, the fact that she was communicating through English, he knew that it could not have been anybody who knew his mom or was actually talking to his mom would not be conversing in English. Yeah. Cause the real psycho would be like, she's saying something in Yiddish.

I don't know what the fuck she's saying at all. I don't know what she's saying. Yeah. Oh my God, mama. Something punim? Could you do cold reading? Cold reading, that's a term? I've done it on, it's on YouTube.

Cold reading is what the psychics do. I see a Mary, Mary. Yeah. You've done it. I've done reading is what the psychics do. I see a Mary, Mary, Mary, you've done it. I've done it. I've, I've tried to debunk it multiple times, which crazy is it always like rears its head. It's like, is it true that there's like, like a people can study face. There's like a face thing where you can study like 200 different like things in a face to try. Amazing is you can study all this stuff, right? So you can train yourself for years where like you can sit down and do true cold reading. I've never met the person,

but I need to convince them that either I'm a psychic or I talked to the dead. They're all the same skillset. So you can do that. The thing is the people that you see on TV, like your Tyler Henry who like talks to celebrities and finds their dead people. He doesn't have to be that good because because we have Google and it's on TV. So once you're allowing editing,

once you're allowing the fact there's producers who are asking you for your emergency contact, there's so many. There's guys that would bug their waiting area for their television taping and then they would let people that weren't, that were actually part of his staff. There was all those TV shows back in like the nineties,

two thousands. Who's the one that South Park made fun of really? John Edward. John Edward. Oh yeah. John Edward. It's the same with like crowd work clips where people will comment, wow,

you never miss. And I'm like, I don't post 30 minutes of non laughter. Yeah. Most of my shows, 30 minutes of non laughter. And then right in the end, I get one joke in.

I'm like, tick tock, boom. Um, so you did it to people. So I did a YouTube video. I did a YouTube video where I talked to the dead and I, then I, I revealed that I can't actually talk to the dead, but the idea was, Hey, let me put this video up. It's like early days, YouTube stuff. So like went viral for whatever, like it was on Yahoo news, which was a big deal for me. Um, and so I thought, okay, that'll do it. And then I produced a show for ABC called Would You Fall for That?

And I produced a whole segment. And this had like, we had millions of viewers, most of them in nursing homes. But we had like an airport. That's rough to show this one to the nursing home people. Hey, guys, just so you know, a couple years, you're going nowhere. Yeah. Because we have 3 million viewers. And I'm like, weird.

Nobody I know has ever seen this show. They're all 3 million years old. Yeah, exactly. But it was called Would You Fall For That? And we did a whole debunking horoscopes and cold reading, all that stuff. And it doesn't matter how many times you put that shit out there, a new version comes. Like Tyler Henry is the newest one. But there'll be somebody else.

There's always somebody. Because people want to believe. And those people who take advantage of them are pieces of shit. Are you able to, I was with a group of friends recently at a house, and this woman said to the group, have you guys noticed ghosts around here? Because I felt something over in that room, and it was one of those moments I had to just go,

okay, I just don't participate. Let them have fun. Are you an obnoxious debunker? It depends. I mean, like, because also the placebo effect is real. So, like, chiropractic is, like, not real. It has no foundation in science.

But, like, if it makes you feel better, maybe. But, like, there are chiropractors who are, like, doing it to children. That's really bad. And animals. Yeah. I mean, animals, bad. Or they're doing kind of alignments that can actually cause, are chiropractors who are like doing it to children that's really bad and animals yeah i mean animals bad um or they're doing kind of alignments that can actually cause there are negative repercussions

to that and because there are no positive repercussions it does feel like somebody should step in and be like hey the only thing that can happen is there's only downside but clearly no progress seems to have been made no and. And history of the world. And I should say the caveat is chiropractic when it comes to like making your back feel a little bit better, like human touch and basically massage is, is helpful. And at least in the short term. So there are like tiny minor benefits for very specific parts of the body. But like when a chiropractor tells you, Oh, I can fix your eating disorder. Like he's full of shit. He's doing like, you know,

that reflexology, which we, we dismissed that. Right. When you see those, like the thing with the feet, like, oh,

everything in your body can be explained by a touch point on your foot. The guy who invented chiropractic was like an American guy and his son. They had ended up having a fight cause there's two schools now of it. Um, but they basically just moved the foot stuff to the spine. And like, it's the foot stuff is dumb. It's got to be the spine. That's the only change.

And there is no scientific backing, really. One last one that I just want to, if you know about this one, it was a psychic who would bring widows' husbands back to life.

And he was famously endorsed by Kubler-Ross. The German psychologist came up with the five stages of grieving, I believe. And she endorsed him completely. He had these widows over. He would become, or bring back their dead husbands

and fuck them. He'd fuck them. And they say that he had cheesecloth. Like that was the technique. Cheesecloth was a big one, yeah. Because cheesecloth, you can jam it in small. That's where the word ectoplasm comes from. We all know it from Ghostbusters.

But ectoplasm was a real thing back then, quote unquote. And it was really just like wet cheesecloth. No, no, this is like the physical evidence of ghosts. But is it because they could fit like enough to cover their body like in a orifice to pull it out? It was easy to pull out. And also it felt, I think it was hard to identify what it was when it was like wet and dark.

Like most of the time it would happen in the dark. Like the big thing about spiritualism that people forget and like when Houdini was debunking it during that era, it got really sexy. So it'd be like a hot girl who like basically have to get naked in order to do this. And so all these guys were like, I totally believe in spiritualism.

Yes, I need to hang out with these naked women more. And so that was also fueling the spiritualist movement was that they were like, wait a second. So you mean this hot lady's going to moan for a while? Yes, I believe in it. So this guy was very successful And he was endorsed Even after he was debunked Kubler-Ross endorsed him

But see if you can guess What finally made people start doubting him Made the women That they weren't actually fucking their dead husbands That he made them cum My Moishe never made me come this is unrealistic they all got the same

they all got crabs and they said that's so weird all our ghost husbands they all have crabs what a coincidence they're ghost crabs though ghost crabs were these all old widows?

I don't I don't know how old was he just fucking old women? like you know what I mean? was that his thing? of it we're like maybe this was all just an agreement and he said hey i'm into this but i don't want people to know i don't want to do it unless my eyes are covered with some kind of cloth and you want to fuck oh and let's all pretend yeah right yeah you still believe in ghosts, though? I don't know, man. I'm never going to be sure about anything. Well, there's this one thing that I asked your permission before I would bring it up. But you've done a lot of shows, and you've done some reality competition shows.

I've been eliminated from everybody's some reality competition shows, which is scary. I've been eliminated from everybody's favorite reality television shows. Really? You have a competition show. I've been eliminated from it. America's Got Talent, eliminated. Last Comic Standing, eliminated. Fool Us, they taped me.

They didn't even air me, which is just me getting more efficient at being eliminated. I'm three for three, baby. When were you on America's last comic standing oh god I think 2017 which one hurt the most none of them really hurt like that was the thing is like I remember when I got eliminated from America's Got Talent

they really tried to make me cry my grandmother had just died and they were like what would your grandmother think they were like wait a second I can see your grandmother behind you and you're like I know this shit they were like what would your grandmother think? They're like, wait a second. I can see your grandmother. And you're like, I know this shit. Yeah. Yeah. They're like,

what would your grandmother think? I'm like, she'd be very proud that I even tried. Like what? What do you, um, that's so shitty. Yeah.

That's so shitty. Really shitty. Who said, Simon? No, no. One of the producers backstage was trying to get me to cry during like a post interview.

It's like, what would your grandmother think? And I was like, I don't know. At that point I was angry. So I was like, she was never on America's Got got talent so any any chance you had of getting me doing anything emotional but went out the fucking window when you did that that is

so god these fucking um what did you do magic and comedy no i just did comedy okay yeah um oh and but to your point of like was i ever upset no? No, because I was like, as long as I felt, as long as they let me do a good set on TV and people could see, hey, look, that's funny. That's all I cared about. So like America's Got Talent, they put my stand up in front of millions of people. Great. Last comic put me in front of millions of people.

Great. Would I love to go all the way? Absolutely. But I'm a super competitive, high strung Jew. But like, I was happy to appear. So do you mind if I play a super competitive, high-strung Jew. But I was happy to appear. So do you mind if I play a portion of this Norm MacDonald? Well, let me set it up, actually. Set it up.

So Last Comic Standing, they booked everybody that was going to be on the show. They're like, hey, we want you to be on Last Comic Standing. Great. At that time, America's Got Talent and Last Comic were both sort of sniffing around. So I was like, let's do Last Comic because that's built for comedians. That's going to be on Last Comic Standing. Great. At that time, America's Got Talent and Last Comic were both sort of sniffing around. So I was like, let's do Last Comic

because that's built for comedians. That's going to be a more fun experience than AGT just because this is built to do stand-up. The comics were like, for the comic community, because I wasn't doing comedy then. Was it like, fuck, yeah, you got on Last Comic Standing? Back in the day, it was a really, really big deal. The early, early days of Last Comic,

because I remember watching it in high school. I watched it for a season really big deal like the early early days of last comic because it was i remember watching it as like in high school being like i watched it for a season did you watch that fan and uh i remember it yeah like gary gulman that was like the first time i became a fan of gary gulman instantly when i saw my last comic like this guy's so funny yeah like i remember those comics i'm like i want to do that for you know that kind of thing so like they call me up and then the network was like we're gonna cancel it cancel it. We're not going to actually do it. And I was like, great. Well,

I gave up all these opportunities, but sure, sure, sure. Then they call us back and they go, it was supposed to be 16 episodes. We're going to do it. The network said we could do the show if we do it in eight episodes.

So it's going to be in this hyper accelerated timeline. And we're like, okay, so that's less screen time for everybody, but fine. So we're just going to start the show and say, these are the hundred best comedians in the United States. We're not going to do a cattle call.

We're not going to do it. We're just going to say, these are the hundred best. And we're going to see who's, you know, we're going to piss off so many people in one fell swoop. Oh my God. So there's no cattle call. There's none of those episodes where they're like going to different cities. They're all from New York and then some from LA.

So we're just going to fly you out to Universal Studios and you're going to do this thing. So we're like, okay. So they fly us all out. It ends up being really fun right because it's a hundred professional comics we mostly all know each other just like getting drunk in a hotel bar so that part's great that is really cool

who else are you talking about during this time I think Sam Morrell was there who else was there, Mehran was there there were some good people out there and Jocelyn was hosting this season Jocelyn was hosting? Mehran was there. There were some good people out there. And Jocelyn was hosting this season. Oh, okay. Jocelyn was hosting that season, which was a negative, and I'll tell you why. I love him, but I'll tell you why that was a negative.

Please, I'll hear it. So the weird thing is, they put us into the holding room, which is separate from the studio where they're filming. So first of all, they want us to create drama with each other. And we're all professional comedians. We're not like those amateur. So we're all like, no, I of all, they want us to create drama with each other. And we're all professional comedians. We're not like those amateur, like, so we're all like, no, I'm not going to shit on my friends. And no, I'm not going to give you tape of me shitting on other comedians. Are you out of your mind?

So everybody's super positive, which is weird for comedians. But we're all just sitting being very professional. So they're getting no drama. Plus, I'm all like, I love that guy. Why don't I tell you? So everybody comes back and you go, how was your set? Nobody says they have a bad set because they don't want that to be on the tape. So everybody

walks back and says they had the best set. So we're like, what the fuck is going on? So everybody's acting real weird. The only thing that kind of leaks out, like every once in a while you get like a bathroom break. So we're getting the real story when we're not on camera. And everybody's like, everything is fine. I didn't understand a word Norm MacDonald said to me. Like he's slurring. I think he's on something. I don't know, everything is fine. I didn't understand a word Norm MacDonald said to me.

Like he's slurring. I think he's on something. I don't know what's going on. He was literally incomprehensible. I think he said something nice. I have no idea. They rushed me out. So that's the only piece of information that's like kind of flying around friends.

So they finally take you out. You don't get to know if the audience is hot. You don't know if other people have been killing. Can't hear. Everybody's saying, no, you're in another studio entirely. So everybody's coming back saying, I'm killing. And you're like, I don't know if that people have been killing. Everybody's saying, no, you're in another studio entirely. So everybody's coming back saying, I'm killing. And you're like, I don't know if that's true. Maybe it is.

That's true. Also, no comic do you know if they're saying the truth. Also, is it 100 people for the same audience or they're splitting up audiences? We don't know anything. We find out later they're paid extras, which is not the best scenario. I walk out and I murder.

So I'm like, okay, this is great. I don't know if that means I'm murdering more than anybody else, but I'm having a really good set. And Jesselnick has to keep quieting the audience down because they won't stop applauding for me. I'm like, that's a good sign. How long is that we're supposed to do? It's three minutes and it's a hard three minutes. So they, which was a little bit,

I was fine. Like I timed my set out and so I knew where I was going to hit. They don't give you a timer until I think it was, I want to say 30 seconds, but it might've even been 10 seconds. So you don't know what your timing is until you have 10 seconds left and you're fucked. Yeah.

I have a stopwatch though. So I'm like, I don't care that I can't see the screen, but some other comics are like, wait, you're not just going to give me a shot clock basically. So they're kind of going out of their way to make sure you get to that tense moment,

right? They want you to kind of, so I do this set It's great The audience is on their feet It's great Roseanne is like I love you That's useless now because she's been cancelled out of existence

But at the time great At the time I'm like yeah Roseanne loves me And then Keenan Ivory Wayans is being very supportive Norm does like a 10 minute Incomprehensible monologue and he starts talking about religion and every time he says something. Is your joke, just so people know, your joke talked about people on the subway. I'm getting into an argument with a guy on the subway and the whole idea is like he's

very religious and I'm very secular. That's like the basis of the joke. They edited out a few tags that I really liked, but that's fine. Like that's to be expected. There's a comparison of he's quoting his favorite book. Let me quote my favorite book. Exactly. Yeah.

So like, yeah. So he's like, well, if you know, J.K. Rowling was a Christian. And so like Harry Potter is a very Christian book. And so my line immediately was, I'm just comparing two works of fiction, Norm. The audience loses it. Oh, that's a good line.

Loses it. Roseanne, standing ovation. The crowd stands up. Because they've been listening to him drivel on and on and on. And so I murder. And this keeps happening. He keeps coming up with a line. And then I keep slamming him.

Because I'm only done a small chunk of my religion chunk. Right? So he's just setting up more jokes in my set. Yeah. So I'm just slamming. Right. Uh, but like,

and it goes on for a really long time, like an uncomfortable long time. He keeps going. And half the things he says, I'm not understanding. We don't realize, I don't realize this until like years later when he came out, he's like,

by the way, I had cancer. And like, he was going through treatments. I'm 95% confident. He was in the, like the height of his treatment. Like I think he was on serious medication for that.

And also with one thing we didn't find out until later also was that anybody who did really, really well, he was acting as a spoiler. Like he didn't want to be there. So anybody who did poorly, he was like, that's the greatest comic.

And anybody who did well, he said that was the worst. And so he purposely always took the opposite take of the audience, which we, you don't know that going in. So you're just like, what? Like I'm a huge fan of Norm, right? I'm like, what? So I walk off kind of feeling pretty great. In the actual room, so we're waiting in another room so we can see the feed where Anthony Jeselnik is reading the names. So when they say your name, the audience has to stop clapping. They grab you from the room. They have to take you from one

studio to another studio. It's like a three minute run before you can come out and be like, yep, that was me. So it's, it's a lot. So it takes like 40 minutes to read all the names. Yeah.

But I'm, I, we're all waiting like, Oh God, are they going to call me? I'm the first name they read. And I'm like, great.

I don't even have to sit there and be like, Oh no, is it going to be me? Is it not going to be me? I'm the first name. So there's no stress. I run around. Finally, when the episode airs, though, you'll notice they make

all of these changes, right? So Norm says his line, which got booed by the audience. He gets a giant applause break, which he never got during his entire diatribe. And then I just make a face. And then they move on. And then at the end of the episode, it comes down it's, it comes down to me and two other comics and

I'm waiting there nervously. And then they finally, they call my name last. And I was like, they make, they make you do all this stuff where they're like, you're just sitting there nervously. Like, we're just gonna record you waiting. Like they make you wait extra long before the first name. Yeah. But so that's all artificial.

I was the first name called. So like, am I going to make it? Yeah. I fucking knew immediately. Yeah. But so that's all artificial. I was the first name called. So like, am I going to make it? Yeah, I fucking knew immediately. Yeah. And then the second set, they couldn't get enough audience. So it's mostly dummies, which we didn't really know until the episode aired because they cut to the dummies. And we're like, that's why that audience sounded less loud than the first audience.

Dummies, literal dolls? Literally dolls. Yeah. And you could see it in the episode. They cut to the dummies to be like, yeah, most of our crowd is dummies. So we're like, wow, I'm not killing it as well as I did in the last one. Maybe because there are literally human dolls.

These shows, these shows. I feel like I'm almost thankful that I didn't get America's Got Talent. And I don't know if I'd do it now. Because I just, this shit sucks. This shit sucks so bad bad and there's a big risk right because they can edit you there's yeah you however they want big risk yeah you when it aired because you're you're you don't show weakness yeah were you were you hurt when it

aired were you embarrassed were you pissed no if anything i know because i i though i did those jokes because i feel strongly about them. Yeah. The irony was all the, all the sort of hate was people saying like, yeah, it's not brave to do religion jokes. And I was like, you're defeating your own point. The massive amount of vitriol and hate that I had to endure is proof that what I did was brave. Sure. Right. Like weirdly, the more they said that, the more they said that, the more they were disproving their own point. Norm went a little bit weird on Twitter about it.

We went back and forth. Um, cause he was just like, he was standing by those like religious stuff. And then I just kept, every time he tweeted something negative, I'd be like, so when am I opening for you?

Uh, and that was like my, that was the running joke was like, you're right. But like what dates? Like I see you're in Miami. Like, can I fly out? Uh, like that was the running joke was like, you're right. But like what dates? Like I see you're in Miami. Like, can I fly out? Like that was the idea.

And then later on I ran into him at Caroline's and we just like a good, really sweet moment where he's just like, just so you know, you're like one of the best joke writers I've ever seen. And I was like, well then fucking say that on camera. And we had this like beautiful moment where I was like, oh, this is like how he is. Like when he was on the roast, he does like an anti-roast. Right.

Like remember when he does like for the birds? Like wherever he is, he acts as a spoiler. And I'm like, okay, that makes sense to me. I read that because him and Jeselnik, they didn't get along during that taping. The thing about Jeselnik that was interesting, and I don't fault this for him at all, like, but he's trying to be Jeselnik,

which is like very dark and one-linery. And that's kind of contrary to a game show, right? Sure. Especially Last Comic Standing. So they come in the room this is for the second set in particular but they're like

hey we have eight episodes we have like barely any time to give you screen time don't riff on what Jessalynick says because we might have to cut it. Like spoiler

they knew they were going to cut it because all of his bits were really really dark. He was really pissed about that. He wrote these like really dark jokes about every comic which doesn't

we only got three minutes to go in front of the audience. Oh, I'll never forget it. I'm a big jester. I'm not allowed to riff off of his joke. I have to just launch into my prepared set. So he comes out and he goes, Harrison Greenbaum is next. His grandparents survived

the Holocaust. Let's see if he can survive this set. And so then I just walk out and just ignore that. It's a pretty big hole. What would you have said? I mean, I would have at least acknowledged it, right? Or I would have changed to jokes that I have about that stuff. But I'm locked in a set and I can't even reference it. This was when I did the JFL taping for Canadian. And Marc Maron was hosting it.

And he should know better, but they gave him intros that they didn't run by any of us. So he brought me out. I think he said, this next comedian's half Jewish, half Italian, and twice as neurotic. And I was like, what the fuck? What the fuck? Let me establish

like it just like kind of it didn't ruin anything but my first joke the reveal was that I'm a lanky Jew and it was just

I'm like and I think with Rosebud I have to ask Rosebud where he said like Rosebud's parents were always proud of her doing stand up and then she started to say

like no they weren't what like it was it was a total, it was so fucking weird. Yeah. All these shows. But we couldn't even acknowledge it.

So it's like, here's a Holocaust intro and then I have to just launch into my set. Yeah. It was weird. What would you have said? Quick thinking.

Nothing. I mean, he had to launch into his set. What would you have said? Oh, God, let me think. I would have freaked out. I would have followed the rules is what I would have said? Oh, God, let me think. I would have freaked out. I would have followed the rules is what I would have done. Yeah, that is what I did, 100%. If I bombed, I'd be like, oh, 6 million and 1.

Oh, there we go. I mean, I have the jokes on my act. So I would have been like, no, it's okay to make jokes about the Holocaust. Like, I asked my grandmother, said, okay, if I make jokes about it. And she was like, what? And I was like, perfect. I appreciate the support. That's good.

That's good. Yeah. Your grandparents did survive the Holocaust. Both my grandparents. I mean, on my dad was like, perfect. I appreciate the support. That's good. That's good. Your grandparents did survive the Holocaust. Both my grandparents. I mean, on my dad's side, yeah. Is that the only way to do it? I like when they ask if they did survive. They had to have because they reproduced and made my day. Sure.

Yeah, my grandfather was in Auschwitz. But your dad's Jewish mom's not? No, no, both. Both are. Yeah, Jewy Jew. They were in Auschwitz. My grandfather was in Auschwitz, yeah. And my grandmother was in Bergen-Belsen. Auschwitz, forgive me.

That's like the A-Club. Do you know what I mean? That's like the top level. And why? Just they had the better food? No, no, no. Just the famous one. I know you're joking, but why is that the famous one?

Because it was the worst one. It was the worst. It was a death camp. And the others were more- Some of them were more- Writers' retreats? Yeah. No, well, my grandfather was there for, I think, eight years. He was there before it was a death camp. And the others were more... Some of them were more writers' retreats. Yeah. No, well, my grandfather

was there for, like, I think eight years. He was there before with the death camp. He was one of the longest survivors of Auschwitz. Like, he was there when it was just a ghetto,

then it became a work camp, then it became a death camp. And at that point... It was briefly a funny bone. Yeah, exactly. It was an Uncle Juggleflex. And, uh... But at a certain point,

he, uh... But what is worse? Auschwitz or a comedy condo? But he was working. Neither one is Wi-Fi. He had a job. Right, exactly. He was, he had a job.

So they were like, we either kill him and have to retrain somebody else or we can just let him keep doing the job. What was the job? He would clean the trains out afterwards. Yeah. Which is actually like, which is a fucking crazy job. But there were like cigarette butts left around by like the Nazis. And so you could trade those. And so that it helped it, you

know, as far as jobs go to, it gave you something that you could trade. So it was like, he saved a bunch of people's lives as much as he could. How do you say they'll be on the lines to be murdered. And he'd be like, that guy is, looks really perfect for this job. And he would make up a job and he couldn't do that all the time, but he would try to make up jobs and be like, I need that guy looks really perfect for this job. And he would make up a job. And he couldn't do that all the time. But he would try to make up jobs and be like, I need that guy. Like, that guy. He's my cigarette butt collector. That guy looks like he can really help me with this thing.

It was just to get people off the line. Oh, he's making so few choices left and right. Left and right. And then we didn't find out until later. So they were always like, wow, he's so good with kids. And he really was really great with kids. My parents and then us. He was really great with kids. My parents and then like us, he was really great with the grandkids.

And my family went to Jerusalem. And if you call them in advance, you can be like, hey, my parents are survivors. Our grandparents are survivors. Can you pull any records? Because the Germans kept great records. So you could literally like pull of all the negatives. One thing they did well.

They kept a nice record. So they can pull everything they have pertaining to your family specifically. Like, of all the negatives, one thing they did well. They kept a nice record. So they can pull everything they have pertaining to your family specifically. Like, this is where they, you know, all this stuff. So they pulled all of the stuff from my grandfather and grandmother. And that was when we discovered that he had gone in with a wife and son. We didn't know. No way. And he had never really talked about it, but they were murdered.

Wait, so you. My dad and uncle were his second and third kid Not his first and second So you went there With your grandfather and asked for these records? So my grandfather already passed away And actually didn't go on that trip I had been to Yad Vashem though

But that was my mom, sister, and dad went And so they just said, hey, we'd love to see these You get an email with a PDF Or you see like the original papers? That's a really good question. I think you can they pull whatever they can. So they have the originals. Oh my God. That's crazy. And they, was there anyone

alive for them to talk to it about it or they just knew this thing? So then we asked my grandmother who was still alive, did you know that your husband, you're the second wife? And she's like, oh yeah. And we're like, you didn't want to tell us. She was like, it's too sad. Why would i tell you guys but she knew like my my grandfather had told my grandmother but they just never shared it with us yeah crazy yeah yeah i was just in turns out the holocaust all downside i know i was just spending time my wife's grandfather was in

auschwitz yeah so i was just spending time with him last week. And just insane. Did he talk about the first wife? No, he was too young. But he lost, he went with family members and didn't leave with them. But he was young. I think he was like in his teens when he went. But only reason, like we found out from talking to him, the reason he survived was because he got sick when the Russians took over.

So, like, they had sent him to the hospital wing of the thing, and it was, like, it was at the very end of the war when instead of getting sent on, like, the death marches and things, it was, like... I'm impressed that they had a hospital. That's wild. What if your grandfather pointed... Oh, yeah, he looks real sick.

He got sent to the hospital And said forget about the wife Wild Oh my god Yeah That is something It's crazy Jeselnik just

Well so the Jes Jeselnik just brought on that drama Right before my network debut No it was weird He could have said Well like His grandfather Didn't pick his wife to be saved.

Let's see if the judges pick Harrison tonight. Yeah, exactly. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, man. There are two sides to McDonald's new Cajun Ranch McCrispy. On the one hand, it's a masterpiece centered around that crispy, juicy, tender seasoned chicken. On the other hand, McCrispy fans are going to love the bold, tangy taste

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for a limited time only at participating McDonald's in Canada. This episode is brought to you by Dyson OnTrack. Dyson OnTrack headphones offer best-in-class noise cancellation for a limited time only at participating McDonald's in Canada. For comfort and a range of colors and finishes. Dyson OnTrack. Headphones remastered. Buy from DysonCanada.ca. With ANC on, performance may vary based on environmental conditions and usage. Accessories sold separately. So, you went to Harvard. That's cool. Is it?

It is. I'm so jealous. Are you? Really? You want to go to Harvard? No, not to Harvard, but to like to be. Yeah, it's a nice. There's a real comedy group to be in.

And I know. I was not part of it. That was the irony was like the Lampoon does like really produce a lot of people. But also it gives you the networking right out of the gate that helps you a lot. I never did the Lampoon. I started a stand-up club because that was what I was passionate about. So I started the Harvard Stand-Up Comic Society. So it was Harvard SUCKS was the acronym,

which the school didn't know about because I always wrote it out. And they brought me in and they're like, oh, the name's got to change. I was like, shit, they figured it out. And they're like, no, it's an undergrad group. It has to be Harvard College Stand-Up Comic Society. So I changed it real fast. It was Harvard College SUCKS. And they didn't figure out that that was the acronym until I made like a sweatshirt design.

And you have to get that approved by the trademark office. So then I send in a sweatshirt that just says Harvard College Sucks on it. And they're like, son of a bitch. So I was like my own, that was an angry letter from the Dean, but they, they, my five-year reunion, I saw that Dean again. And he's like, officially we had to send you that angry letter, but like unofficially funniest prank was ever imposed on us. Like good work. Can you tell me about, was this your thesis about race-based humor's effect on prejudice? Yeah. Did you hear about the one? I think it was a call. It was called, did you hear about the one, the effect of race-based humor on prejudice? Yeah. But was this your thesis? My psychology thesis. Yeah. Um, what was the, the conclusion about it?

So it was the, the medium length version of it is, well, the idea was can humor change minds? There's a lot of research that it can, that like delivering your message through humor is far more effective than just delivering your message in a serious way. So there is like a, uh,

there actually, the weird, the funniest one is they were doing, there was an old, old study where they were saying like sexist things seriously and then doing a sexist joke. And the sexist joke made people more sexist than the serious statement. And I was like,

use your powers for good, man. Like that's the opposite of what you should be doing. When was the study? Old study. I'm sure they were still smoking cigarettes kind of thing. So I, I created what was called the humor function grid. Cause I wanted to try to divide up all the humor research. Cause still smoking cigarettes kind of thing. Um, so I, I created what was called

the humor function grid. Cause I wanted to try to divide up all the humor research because there's a lot of it. And I did it by separating out target, uh, the sort of joke teller or deliverer and the audience. So like, imagine if it's like a male comic talking about men in front of all women, or is it, uh, you know, a male comic talking about women in front of all men, those would be different kinds of humor and have different effects. Sure. So that creates a grid of four, right?

And then I was like, what grid has the least amount of research tied to it? And that was where the joke teller and the subject are the same. So like a black comic talking about black people

in front of a white audience. Or a fat comic talking about fat people in front of a white audience or a fat comic talking about fat people in front of skinny a skinny audience it was all in group out group so it didn't matter specific what the specific what this um so that was the idea was that area of the human function grid sure so the idea was what does it do to prejudice and what I found was it just enhanced what was already there so like

cause Chris Rock had that black people versus n-word bit very famous bit he stopped doing that yeah you were telling me that earlier today yeah yeah yeah

the whole bit but he stopped doing that bit because he and same thing with Dave Chappelle is he stopped doing his show his stated reason was he found white people were like

kind of taking it the exact wrong way like racist white people were like see I'm right and exact wrong way. Like racist white people were like, see, I'm right. And he's like, wait, if that's how you feel about that, something has gone wrong. Yeah, that's the stated version. It seems really clean. It all seems like a clean narrative. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For the older I get, the more I'm like, I don't buy any single one of these narratives. Sure, sure, sure. But sure. But the idea was those kind of – when somebody makes fun of their own group, people who are in the opposite group can either be like, see, not all people are like that, right? Or they can say, oh, see, I'm right.

There are people who are like that. And that's for any in-group or out-group, right? So if a female comic is making fun of women in front of an audience of all men, the misogynist group can be like, see, some of those women are shitty. And the people who are not misogynist can be like, see, that's the exception, not the rule.

But then where was the effect? How did you measure that? Was it based on post-interviews or like hate crimes or what? Exactly. I just studied. I just followed them for years. No, actually the funny thing was we did use Chris Rock so we used that bit and then we used a bit about him talking about fat people

as the control. He has a fat people joke? He does. Is it the one about how a bigger black woman has no, she feels good? No, it had to have nothing with race. Oh, it had nothing with race. What is his fat joke? I can't remember it now.

There was a joke that was very cleanly not about race at all. So that was our control. What was Chris Rock's fat joke? It was a good one. Most of Chris's stuff. But there's this thing called the IAT The implicit attitude test And the person who developed it actually was also at Harvard

So I got to like just literally like have a meeting with her And be like can you help me Which is crazy right Like she'd been at Oprah like two weeks before she had a meeting with me And I was like this is like this is crazy That as an undergrad I have access to this So that would be like one of the main advantages Of going to a school like that

But the IAT is an implicit attitude test. So the idea is even if you're not explicitly racist, you still have implicit biases. Sure. Uh, and this test doesn't measure objectively. It's subjective. So if I gave you both the same IAT for race,

I couldn't say if either of you are racist, but I could say one of you has more implicit biases than the other. Can we find this test online? It's 100% online. Guys, join the Patreon. You absolutely could take this test. Are you willing to take this test? And see who has more of an implicit

bias near you? You could do these tests, by the way, for anything. It doesn't have to be black, white. It could be like me, you, which is like self-confidence. It could be women, white. It could be like me, you, which is like self-confidence. It could be women, male. It could be literally almost on any sort of thing. What are you most comfortable with revealing? Like you do a self-confidence one, right?

So you could do me, you, and see who has a better sort of self. These tests are so hard, though, because then you go deeper, and then you go some people are answering what they think will make them look good. That's the whole thing about this test, right, is that even when we tell you how the test works and like what it's measuring, the results are still pretty good. So that's the thing that psychologists will measure about their tests. Like how robust are the results? Sure. It's a really cool test. So basically what you will see on, we did it as a paper version, but you'll do it on the computer, which is better

actually because it'll measure like within seconds. Basically we assign one button will be, let's just do the black white version. Cause that's what we did. Yeah. So one version will be either black faces or white faces, or it'd be like black names, typically black names, typically white names. It's you can do it however you want, but let's say it's black faces, white faces. So they're photos, right? And so one button is if it's a black face and one photos, if it's a white face and these are just photos, you're like, that's Caucasian, that's African-American, like pretty easy task. Right. Uh, the other task is like good words, bad words, war is a bad word. Peace is a good word right like sharing is good like yeah violence is bad so like very clearly flower is good right um so we assign we bind uh like for example black word black faces and good words might be one

button and white faces and bad words are another button and so we measure how long it takes you to do that task then we reverse it so it's black faces bad words white faces good bad words are another button. And so we measure how long it takes you to do that task. Then we reverse it. So it's black faces, bad words, white faces, good words. And we find that. Oh,

that is, that's the, I can see how you can measure the discrepancy. So we find that regardless black or white, this is what's so interesting, right? Whether you have a black or white participant, the task is easier when it's white,

good, black, bad. Oh no. You're in both versions, which says that there is some sort of like societal issue, right? Where like even the black participants are still finding white, good, black, bad easier.

And this is in milliseconds, right? We're measuring the discrepancy. That's so funny. We got to do this test. I see Russell. Oh, oh. Practicing. And doesn't say, by the way,

it's not saying whether you're racist. It's just saying one of you has less implicit bias. Yeah. You could both have very low levels, right? I would say, I want to make sure the black person is, keep them away from the bad things. So I want to make sure I see it quickly so I can go, oh, keep you away from the beast thing.

You can't game it. But it would be like saying like if you were two Olympic runners and one of you is slightly faster, you're both Olympic runners. So yes, one of you might be faster than the other, but is that, so like that's how I would approach that.

You guys are comparing each other. You can't game the test, but you can game the interpretation. All interpretations can be manipulated. Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah,

you, we can give you data, but what you do with that data. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah yeah So we basically gave people These IATs As a way to measure Their implicit biases Because explicit biases

Are different too right So you could be like Sort of very internally racist But every time you have that thought You're like I can't say that That's a bad thought Yeah And so explicitly

And that's the other question From a societal basis If you never act on your implicit biases Which we probably argue That you probably are But if you never act on your implicit biases, which we probably argue that you probably are, but if you never act on them, does that really matter? Or is explicit bias the real thing? Explicit would be like,

here's the word violence. Do you want to drag it to the white face or the black face? That would be explicit. The difference would be like, if I'm hiring somebody, if I allow those implicit biases to affect how I hire people.

And it's hard because sometimes it is subconscious, right? But like some people will go out of their way to overcompensate, which may be good, right? Where they're like, I know I might have a bias against non-Jews or whatever the hell it's going to be. So I'm going to make sure that like I'm going out of my way to almost weigh them more. Maybe I shouldn't admit this. I was hiring a task rabbit.

Yeah. And there was a white guy and a black guy. And I said, I'll hire the black guy. And I said, for the task rabbit, Joe Marco, this is not an act of... Right, but you might have implicit biases and you're trying to compensate for that. No, I was trying to just be good.

I said, hey, give him a hand. Give him some money. They're on task rabbit. I'm doing a good thing. Yeah. I'm not saying anything. So you would have, so you would, you would,

uh, you would have them do that test. Watch the Chris rock thing, have them do the test again to see if it affected their, well, so this is like an undergrad thesis. So we basically assume that most people at Harvard were like, if you take a random selection of them and you do a random groupings,

their IAT should be like a random group of two random groups of harvest students should have statistically similar levels of prejudice, two random groups of Harvard students should have statistically similar levels of prejudice, right? If I do it truly randomly. So a group of 10 Harvard students and then another random group of 10 Harvard students should be about the same, right? As long as it wasn't 10

students in Boston, then it could be a lot worse. And that's why you have statistical power, right? So you do 100 students, you do 1,000 students, and you make sure it's really, truly random. So the idea is let's assume that. That's one of the assumptions that I have to make. Then when I do the IAT at the end,

if one group proves to have a much higher or lower IAT score after watching the race-based humor versus something unrelated to race, then we're seeing an effect. That must be the result of the stand-up humor versus something unrelated to race, then we're seeing an effect. That must be the result of the stand-up and not just chants. So ultimately the conclusion was like, this isn't good. If you're already racist, it's going to make you more racist. And if you're already inclined to be not racist,

it's going to make you even less racist. So it's like a V. So what do you do with that knowledge knowing that, what do you do with that knowledge being a comedian and knowing that a lot of do with that knowledge being a comedian and knowing that that a lot of comedians would go well fuck you i just trying to be funny we all know that's the that's the conversation that's always that's been the conversation more and more as comedians with social media have a bigger fan base and and people are able to collectively the racists are able to

be more collective via listening to the same podcast. Like, do you go, Oh, it is a bigger problem that does need to be discussed. I mean, I think it's, I mean, it's the Spider-Man thing,

right? With great power comes great responsibility. Sure. If you're talking to a group of people and they're listening to you, you, to some degree, you can't just be like, I'm just making jokes.

Like you are, you are a vehicle for ideas. And so it is your responsibility to make sure those ideas are, I think a net positive on the world. That's why we try to keep our listenership low. Yeah. Because we want no responsibility. No responsibility.

A lot of race jokes. Um, uh, that's, that's, that's, it feels just so relevant because I just feel like the whole

we talk about it and every time I talk about it I feel like you're not being a comedian anymore where it's just like we have to be able to talk about what is the responsibility as these comics get more popular but the problem is to talk about it then you're a nerd

talking about comedians, and you're not convincing anybody. But yeah, I mean, especially if you have a very large audience, the ideas that you're saying, when people are laughing, it's an agreement. In some form, when you laugh at a comedian, you're saying, those ideas resonate with me on some level. And so,

yeah, I mean, I don't think a comedian's doing as much damage as a politician who's passing a law that prevents a thing. So if your joke is pro-life, you're doing less damage than an actual pro-life politician. But yeah, it's about winning hearts and minds. I hear you. Before we go to our next segment,

we talked a little bit about... By the way, people who listened to my episode about McDonald's, the code name that was for LOL Comedy Club, we recorded it like seven months ago when it was still open, and it closed, so we used the code name for nothing. It was a big fucking pain in the ass bleeping

because we kept saying LOL by accident. Why did you want to bleep it? Just in case I needed to run some new material and I wanted to go back you wanted to keep the option open for sure but you you worked at lol you worked at ha i did work at ha and then lol i'm gonna make it i'm saying right now i want to make a a podcast documentary because i feel like you do with the exact same tone of like the survivors of like trauma and like like a war documentary like these are people that have come back from battle and they thought his grandparents had it hard in auschwitz but that's because they had never heard of lol yeah you're like and you can't respond to

that intro you have to just keep talking about it they they i mean they also we had to take the trains to get to lol there's a lot of parallels um but you also uh a lot some people thought that what i was talking about was carolines really no that's totally different totally different but i think because we talked about being in times square ah sound like you once you once had a rough uh opening set for a very late, maybe no show, Paul Mooney? Oh, well,

so this, first of all, I loved, it's closed now, it's crazy, love Caroline's. When I was working at like the Haas and LOLs and stuff

and just trying to build up like, just be able to do jokes well consistently. When I finally got passed at Caroline's, it was like a big career moment and I, they enabled me to meet so many people.

It used to be like hot. It was the best. I was opening for everybody, like Gilbert Gottfried, Kevin Nealon, J.B. Smoove. Wow. I remember seeing Bill Burr right before he could sell theaters. Was J.B. Smoove as good as,

I've heard when he was like at his prime, he was a beast. A beast, total beast. I remember one time, it was Sam Morrell and Michael Che opening for Jim Jefferies and then I was opening for Paul Mooney and we were all getting drunk together, minus Paul Mooney. And it was just

such fun times. It was heady times. We're like, man, we're really doing the thing. I remember being like, Michael Che, you're going to be way famous before I am, if I ever get famous. So just like, can I be a crazy neighbor on your sitcom? And he's like, fuck you, you're going to be famous first. I'm like, can I be a crazy neighbor on your sitcom? And he's like, fuck you, you're going to be famous first. I'm like, no, no, no, it's definitely you.

I'm still waiting for the call to be the crazy neighbor. Sure, sure. But that was a verbal contract. And I have many family members who are lawyers, so I will be pursuing it. But no, the thing about, so like, Louis Fran of the Booker was always so great at booking me for stuff.

And I remember I got a call and he's like, do you want to open for a Paul Mooney? And I was like, fuck yeah. Like the godfather of black comedy. Like he's such a legend. Like he's in many ways the reason Richard Pryor was Richard Pryor. Like he was there in Berkeley, you know, like it's amazing. So I opened for Paul, had a great set. And then I started opening for him every single weekend he was there

so that would be like it would be Fridays and Saturdays twice a month so like every other weekend essentially what time did that show start though? that show started at 12.30am oh my god

started at wow it was on time which it never was they don't really do that like do the city just used to operate later? yes

cause Jon Stewart would always talk about doing the cellar at 3 a.m. And I'm like, 3 a.m.? No, I think everything closes later. It closes earlier, rather. But what I found out later is after I started opening for Paul Lott

was that Lewis was like, hey, I have this guy, Harrison. I'd like to have him open for you. And Paul's like, this white kid? Are you out of your mind? And to Lewis's credit, he goes, give Harrison one chance. And if he sucks, you'll never see him again.

And to Paul's credit, he was like, okay, fine. One show. And if he sucks, that's it. And I did my first set. And Paul's like, anytime he wants to open for me. So to both of those guys' credit for even giving me the chance. But I mean, that's an aggressive crowd. That's a crowd that's there to see Paul.

And I would know whether I like a crowd that's there to see Paul. And I knew I couldn't, I wouldn't know whether I did a set that Paul liked because if I had a bad set, he would say, give it up for the brave little white boy. And if I had a good set, he'd be like, give it up for the Jew. And then he would do a whole joke about how Jews are not white.

He'd be like, oh, you think Jews are white? Like send them to a clans meeting. They'll tell you how white Jews are. And as a way of like including me. But Paul was always, Paul would be late a lot, like a them to a clans meeting. They'll tell you how white Jews are. And as a way of like including me. But Paul was always, Paul would be late a lot, like a lot, lot. So I would, the show was supposed to be at like 1215. We would start it at 1230 to give him a 15 minute window. And then I would have to keep going until the light went.

So I was supposed to do 15. My record was 70 minutes. And sometimes at a certain point he really trusted me. So like I'd have been on stage for like 45 minutes and sometimes at a certain point he really trusted me so like I'd have been on stage for like 45 minutes and then I would see Paul

watching my set laughing eating a shrimp cocktail and I'm like I'm your turn yeah and he would just like

no no keep going like I trust you like I'm like okay like it's an honor that he would sit there and like watch me and like his laugh was one of the most famous laughs

what was it like tell me oh god well paul described richard's laugh as like it's the thing you worked for it was like a beautiful laugh it was loud and you felt like i'm doing something correct yeah and paul had this big laugh and his whole face would light up you could google it like when he's doing he does a roast of richard pryor like the last episode of the Richard Pryor show. And you could see that laugh. It's like, it's a big laugh and it's Paul Mooney. So I'm like,

man, I'm doing something right. Yeah. But there was one time where I had done 70 minutes and they passed me a water, which I was like, I don't need a water. I'm doing fine. But there's like a napkin underneath it.

I'm like, what? And I see on the napkin, it says, we found Paul. He's in Berkeley. He had never gotten on the plane. So I'd like tell the audience like, Hey, so you just got 70 minutes of me. We're going to put up this other guy that we found at the bar across the street.

Cause we, uh, the manager had run to the playwrights to see if there were any comics still hanging out. He did 15 minutes. Um, wait, so you didn't, you didn't announce, you didn't have announced yet that Paul wasn't there. No, I go, all right, here's our next comic. Cause I knew it was, I bring up the comic. He did a joke about Harry Potter. The audience didn't laugh. And what he meant was like, Oh, he said, he meant like the audience, like you guys are not here for a joke about Harry Potter, but he said you people, and he was a white comic. It's an almost entirely black crowd. So he was like, you people wouldn't get it. And they thought he meant like black people would read,

which is not the intention. But I was like, a murder is about to fucking happen. So they were like lighting him, like get him the fuck off the stage. This has made the situation even worse. So I went on stage. I had to be like, yeah, by the way, also, we can't refund you any of your food or drink, but we can refund you your tickets. You people are screwed. Yeah, you people are, also, we can't refund you any of your food or drink, but we can refund you your tickets.

You people are screwed. Yeah, you people are screwed. The audience. So that was pretty rough. Who was that comic? I'm not going to say because I just... No, you can say it. He was a good comic.

He had never opened for that crowd. Did you say that one moment, did you have to say, hey, guys, Paul... After that guy got off. After he got off, you had to say it hey, guys, Paul. After that guy got off. After he got off, you had to say it. Yeah, I do. Like, hey, unfortunately, Paul's not going to make it. Audiences threw him.

Like, I have this, you know, I got a couple more jokes if you want to stick around. And if you could take care of your servers, they worked really hard for you. And I hope you guys can come in a couple weeks when Paul's here. Yeah, it's rough. Did you do those jokes or did they just storm out? No, I did the jokes and yeah, it was not easy. Did they like you making fun of Christianity too?

Were you really doubling down? Oh yeah, exactly. A whole audience of Norm MacDonalds. Oh, and by the way, Norm MacDonald died on my birthday. So if anybody's wondering who won or if God chose a side in the end, Norm died on my birthday. So if anybody's wondering who won, or if God chose a side in the end, Norm died on my birthday. And every comic on the planet texted me.

It was like, I guess your birthday wish came true. Do DeSantis next or whatever. Let's go to our next segment, This Gotta Stop. This has gotta stop. Wow. Comics.

We're heartless. um russell do you have this gotta stop yeah uh this goes out for the um people on the road you know we don't we don't drive that much here but uh people driving on you know taking road trips this has gotta stop um you see an exit it says hey you want a you want a Dunkin' Donuts or a Starbucks here? Take this exit. Okay. You, you've got my attention. I was looking for that. I need a coffee. You get off. It's not there. It's not there. It's three miles away. It's not, it's, it's five miles away. You have, it can only be within a mile. I think the rule is if you're going to put it on the highway and you're going to advertise it and you're going to convince me to take time off of my, like, a road trip to stop and get off, then it has to be a mile.

But this 10 minutes, 15 minutes to get, you know, that's not there. You don't get to advertise for it. Sure, sure. So that is the thing lately I've been noticing where I will try to be able to see it, spot it from the road. But sometimes you just have to trust them because time goes on and you need to stop. And I feel like it's something that there needs to be a limit. One mile. You can advertise up to one mile of business.

It must be a lot. I'm curious what it is. We should look it up. Just the other day I was in upstate New York, and it told me, there's a Dunkin' Donuts here. And I got off, and I was like, I don't see it. And it said, go that way. And I started to go that way.

And then I was like, I'm just going to put it in 12 minutes away. No. That is not acceptable. That's a 30-minute thing that you're adding to getting off of a highway. That's crazy. Speaking of Dunkin' Donuts, that was one of the roast jokes I had for that bachelor party. I said, Gary's the kind of guy you don't want in front of crazy. Speaking of Dunkin' Donuts, that was one of the roast jokes I had for that bachelor party. I said, Gary's the kind of guy you don't want in front of you

in line at Dunkin' Donuts. He can never decide how he wants to get diabetes. He didn't like that. I think that's the one that made him go, okay, okay. Okay, okay. Enough with the fat jokes.

Okay. My this has got to stop is I went to the cellar, McDougal Street bathroom. I was washing my hands. I don't think I've ever noticed this before. So there's the mirror, the regular mirror. There's a mirror in the back.

Oh, I've been saying this for years. So I got to see a fresh shot. I just got like a shorter haircut, and I was like, oh, no. I've been saying this for literally years. I love the Cellar so much. Those two mirrors where you can see how bald you are, that's the one thing that's gotta change.

It was a slap in my fucking face. Because it was like, I had like a patch and I started using the spray, but this was like a new line. Oh yeah. Like a hairline. You can't avoid it you can't you can pretend with a front-facing mirror that you're doing fine but that back shot my god

and i don't know whether i'm like either doing it everywhere so i get to get some heads up so to speak yeah i and so i said to tov i said you know please can you tell me when you think i need to start planning the surgery right and she said she said, do you promise when I do, you won't get mad? And I said, no. She said, right now? The assisted suicide. Oh. The hair plugs.

You're going to do that? Do people do that? Everyone's doing it. Yeah, everyone's doing it. Everybody's doing it. Really? Everyone's doing it. Everybody's doing it.

Really? I have no idea. Yeah, you got to fuck it. Everybody's done it. Really? You're going to do it? I'm going to do it, I think, yeah. Everybody's doing it. Yeah, everyone's doing it. Everybody's doing it. Really? Everyone's doing it. Everybody's doing it. Really? I have no idea. Yeah, you gotta fuck it. Everybody's done it. Do you do it? I'm gonna do it, I think,

yeah. Everybody's, it's, why not? And you can't tell? No. Honestly, so many people

are doing it that, like, I can think of, like, five comics off the bat who have a chunk about their hair surgery. Wow.

Sometimes I'm like, I need to do it now before it becomes too hacky to talk about. That's right. It's a lot to go through for no jokes. I thought you were gonna say, like, wouldn't shave

at all. That's the other option. Oh, God, I can't imagine. I don't think Jews... I don't think I have a good head for that. Oh, I know I don't. I had to do it. Yeah, for a play once. It was awful. You mean the one in fifth grade? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, like a Shakespeare thing.

But anyways, it was not good. So... That's my This Gotta Stop. No one needs to know. If I'm tall, there's so few people seeing it. I'm mad at my opener. He's seven feet tall. He should have given me a heads up.

Hey, buddy, not looking. View's not so great these days. You're never opening for me again. I'll tell you that right now. Do you have a This Gotta Stop? Oh, my God. I have so many. Go for it.

Well, this is going to sound. I have Talking to the Dead as number one. Wow. Do you have a, this has got to stop. Oh my God, I have so many. Go for it. Well, this is going to sound, I have talking to the dead as number one. Wow. This is like a magic trick. I predicted all the topics. Chiropractors are up there. Talking to the dead,

have you seen it more recently or like, there's that Tyler Henry guys. Every time I think it's done and we've debunked it, another guy springs up. What's so funny, other than the fact

that we once had a psychic on the show, because I thought it would be like a cute, I thought like I, this is the foolish thing, what I've learned with the podcast. I thought I could poke, you know, I could poke at them.

No, they can't allow it. I can't undermine someone's whole profession politely. Yeah. Yeah. I, but what's so funny is there's some comedy clubs where psychics hit as one of their stops yeah i was at the funny bone in ohio yeah and they're doing the ads before the

show comic comic psychic yep and i also like what's what's like uh i just have the idea that if you could really talk to the dead you should be the most famous person in the world, one would think. But to have like a, you're working a B room as a psychic. Like you can talk to the dead, but only like your loved ones and neighbors. Like you're not quite good enough. But it's so funny to be like,

oh, we're doing the same thing. Yeah, crowd work. People who are really good at crowd work, that's a funny thing is like when we talk about cold reading, I know so many comics who when they walk in the room

like, oh, are you a teacher? Like, oh, are you this? And they're correct. Yeah. When you start hitting frequently, you could, the transition from that to fake psychic is minimal.

Yeah. Minimal. You should try, because you're able to do it, if you could do crowd work and as you're doing crowd work, eventually move into like, wait a second, I'm seeing. Like at a comedy show.

Yeah. And you can make one person cry. Oh, that's so funny. I've always wanted to do a sketch about a psychic, because I think it's so funny that it's always good news. It's always positive. It's never like, oh, we found your grandfather. He hates you. he thinks you should lose

some weight. You know what I mean? Like, it's never like how you sometimes interact with older family members. Just fat shaming ghosts every single one. It's like, well, body standards were different back then. Or he's still racist. You're like, ooh. You know, like, it's always like, no, they love you so much.

And they're blah, blah, blah. You know, like, yeah, just a realistic type of thing. I do thing some of them give you advice though and that infuriates me like your grandmother's saying you should take that job or like whatever it is oh yeah and it's like changing someone's life yeah if they make a choice based on your bullshit that's but here's my question if they if they were going to make a choice based on that bullshit were they going to make a good choice to begin with true no but like i really think if think if you convince this person

that you're, if you really would have taken the advice from your grandmother and that's why you're taking it because you think it's from your grandmother, you're taking advantage of that person. If a comic actually did cold reading, every ghost would be like,

your grandma's saying, buy all the merch. Yeah. Were there any more? Chiropractic we covered? Oh my God, there's so many. Keep going. Buying dogs instead of rescuing them,

not to be that person. But like, you don't need a pure breed. What are you, like a Nazi? Like, you can have a dog that's mixed. Like, there's so many dogs to rescue. Also, the pure breed breeds come with issues a lot of times too, because they're pure bred.

They're like, you know, they have... I think if you don't, if you adopt your dog, if you don't adopt your dog, you shouldn't be allowed to even talk about your dog. I don't want to see pictures. I don't want to see pictures. Is that what you mean they have issues because of like? Yeah, like they have inbred thing. Like if you're purebred. Like the royal family. They have like royal family. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't want to know about your dog if you bought it. I don't think I want to know. That's fair. Posting pictures with someone you met once when they achieved something. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Magicians do it all the time. If some magician, because there's magic conventions, so you can take pictures with anybody, but I remember when Shin Lim won AGT, so then everybody posted

their one picture with Shin Lim. So glad he did it. You met him randomly one time. You're not his best friend. You don't get to like, that's not your. There was a lot of that. I have so many more flowers. From Gutenberg that I'm just waiting to review.

Because I did, when I did Gutenberg, every night they had a different camera. There's a new celebrity, yeah. And so I have a random picture with. Everybody. With one picture. And people are like, was that so cool? And you're like, most of the,

once in a while you get to talk to people for a while. But most of the time it was a 10 to 20 second conversation where then they were like, the photographer's like, now we'll get our photo. That's all it was. You know what I mean? Yeah, they do it for deaths. They do it for accomplishments. You know, too bad you won't get to do one when Hillary Clinton passes. You didn't get that photo.

She got out of that one. You met the person for 10 seconds. You deserve nothing for that. People do it with deaths a lot too. They did it with Shane Gillis with SNL. If you're his actual friend, God bless. If you just met him one time, we don't need to hear that story that he passed you

in the bathroom line. How does that connect you to him in the bathroom line. Yeah, sure. How does that connect you to him in any way? Let him have his flowers, but you deserve nothing. Nothing. Okay, I like it. You got one more? Being early, that's just as bad as being late.

Fuck you. Okay, I agree. But it's- Especially if it's for like a house party or like something at your- For podcasts, it's very stressful when I'm not set up. If someone's early, you were right on time. Like if you, if you want to be 10 to five to 10 minutes early, I I'll give you that. But if you got there more than five to 10 minutes early, just get a coffee, like walk around the block. I hate when you're meeting up with somebody.

They're 15 minutes, 20 minutes early, half hour early and go, Hey, I'm here already. No rush. Fuck you. You, you want me to rush a little bit little bit yeah you absolutely want me to rush a little bit you wouldn't have sent me that text unless you wanted me to know that you're already there so i hurry it up a little bit i don't want you to listen to this part at all well it's different here like i mean because this is a studio so i feel like comfortable coming here to work if i was early you know what. I'm trying to get him here. Even though I have keys. So it's,

yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Um, people who say big, anything like big pharma. No, no,

you don't get to do that. You don't get to, Oh, that's your whole argument that it's big. That no big company has ever done anything good ever. Cause they have the resources and time sure what does it use besides big pharma

oh big anything now oh big agriculture big blah blah blah I feel like mainstream media is a way that's your whole argument that it's mainstream that lots of people listen that's your main argument that's why I can't listen to them because everybody else does

yeah I like that I like that um let's go to our final segment oh wait can I rile you up with one more one more go for it

this needs to be said do it if I post my tour dates or I post where I'm going to be and you comment underneath how about this other city yeah

fuck you I understand it's coming from a good place but it's not the time yeah i'm gonna be here in utah what about florida this isn't a post about florida no yeah you know what i'm gonna start adding to my announcements is after the toy dates i'm gonna list all the places i've just been oh that's the worst one because it's all it's always that like when are you coming to chicago i was just there. I was there last weekend. And there were seats available.

You should start listing the places you'll never go to. Oh, yeah. They also list the places I'm not going there. Just so you know, here's the places I'm never going to go to. How about this place that's five hours from the nearest airport? No, you drive to me. I am so sorry you live in a town. If you're more than a couple hours from the airport, that's on you. You did that to me. I am so sorry you live in a town that if you're more than a couple hours from the airport,

that's on you. You did that to yourself. Here's where I'm never going to go. Here's a list of places I won't be. Here's a list I won't go to. No. If I said, hey, I'm going on a vacation in Hawaii, nobody would ever post underneath it, how about

the Philippines? No. If you wouldn't post that under my vacation, don't post it under my tour dates. This is about positive affirmation. You should be like, wow, that's so cool

you're going to those places. How come you're not coming to my city? No. Maybe I will. You will. There's also a degree where I'm like,

especially at this stage of my career, if you really want me somewhere, you can make it happen. Yeah. Raise some money and you can force me to go almost anywhere right now. If you can get 100 people together, I can probably get there.

Yeah. Probably. But if it's just you, I ain't coming. Yeah. Unless it's a private bachelor party for $600. Unless it's six people on the butt end of Long Island. Final segment. You better count

Your blessing You better count your blessing My blessing I There's so many people to be thankful for I'll do double Paige, Asachika Okay, you keep it

I'll do a different one I got to see O'Mary, Cola Scola. I'm going to say it now just in case they cancel on me. Cola Scola is going to do the podcast next week. Next week, unless they cancel. But if they cancel, no worries. A little worries. A little worries.

I'm just not, you know, it could be reality. People could be listening to this. They will cancel before this comes out. It's not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But out, it's not. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, but we got to see,

Oh Mary. Oh, so it was so good. Yeah. It was so good to be reminded, like just, just how funny a comedy can be and well acted. And then the,

the blessing part of those, I went with Russell and, and Douglas and we saw you there, but you know, I said, let's go to the cellar. I never, I never get to like bring my people to this. I haven't done that yet. And, and Russell, there. But I said, let's go to the cellar. I never get to bring my people to the cellar.

I haven't done that yet. And Russell, he said, I don't want to see stand-up comedy. I said, Russell, we're not going to watch stand-up comedy. We're just going to sit. And we got there. And Lisa Trager, who did the pod, she sat down, joined us. You came over. Joyelle, we saw Joyelle.

All these people came over. Roy Wood Jr. It was a nice. it was a good feeling of like i hope it was fun for you guys it was douglas said to me he's like you must like this and it's like yeah i do it's fun to be like hey it was cool and uh it was it was just nice to blend the two worlds and i hope i i do that more no it was really nice night i was glad that you made us. Yeah. I was going to shout out Paige, our producer, who is moving to

California. And we had a really lovely meal with her last night. Four horsemen? Four horsemen in Brooklyn. That's how we get sponsors. But we are just so thankful for her and we're going to miss her. Yeah, we're going to see her.

We're going to be in L.A. more. Yeah. We're going to be in L.A. May 3rd. Remember, get those tickets. Link in description. At the Comedy Store Original Room. It's insane that we got this Friday night, 7 p.m., May 3rd. And then after you see that,

you can go see us in Uncle Function. I forget where that is. West Side Theater. It's going to be sold out. It's 65 seats. Same night. Same two shows. All right. Do you have a blessing for us?

Well, one thing is, I love that my phone case matches Russell's shirt exactly. Yeah, it does. That's wild. It does. I have to do laundry. I'm running low. I'm in the summer shirts. It looks good, though. And it's a perfect match for my phone case. I would say that

the main thing, being in New York City, I know that's a little bit generic, but I just got back from almost two years in Las Vegas and I really think that anybody who's complaining about New York needs to take a gap year. Because once you take a gap year, either you realize New York City is just not for you,

then you never come back, great. But if you come back to New York, you will realize you're in the greatest city on earth and you will never leave. I want, I, I remember we moved back. We were like on a plane and I was like,

I plan on dying in New York city. This is the greatest place. And not being in New York for, uh, for almost two years made me appreciate it so much more. Um, what about it? Tell me every,

help me fall back on love. There's nothing good outside of New York. I don't like the lifestyle outside of New York. I don't want to drive. I love running around. I think the comedy scene in New York is unmatched. Running around, doing spots, the speed

of stuff. I don't need a big place. I like a smaller place. I don't need a house. I don't need to have to, oh no, I forgot something. And then run up two stories to grab something from your bedroom. I love it. I love being near my family. I love bagels. I love good pizza. I love that there's culture. There's Broadway theater. Everything is in New York. Like you go to Las Vegas. I was doing a show that was a New York themed Cirque du Soleil show in a New York themed hotel. And so the level of mind fuck

that I was experiencing, missing New York and being in a fake New York in a fake New York was on a level. New York themed hotel, like do they have like heroin addicts like in the-

Well, the funny thing is New York, New York is, I lived in the hotel for like a month and a half when I started my run before I found like a place that I could move into. And they have a roller coaster wrapped around it.

So you hear the screaming. And I'm like, that honestly, that fits. The periodic screaming does bring me back to New York. That feels very authentic. There was a guy, he was in the street. He was having like a, he was on heroin or something. But you know where you're fully bent over? Oh yeah.

He was like in the street. And I- Not from personal experience but yes i'm aware but i i tapped him and i said hey you want to move it just a little bit to the sidewalk and i swear to god he like got up and he was like oh thanks man went to the sidewalk oh nice yeah oh right back over and i was like man no i mean that helped him out but but it was it was wild to see him. He was able to snap out of it for like three seconds and then moved and then had his trip in the sidewalk. He was on a better time than

I was. I mean, New York, just the way you experience New York, you walk outside your door, boom, restaurant, bar. I know. Everything is here. It's the greatest. It's a good blessing. So, this is coming out

in, uh, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, this is coming out

March 12th. What would you like to plug? Oh, uh, me. Um, I would like to just plug my social media

because you can get all my dates there at Harrison Comedy on Instagram, TikTok. I think we call it X Now. Um, my website is HarrisonGreenbaum.com. You can find all my tour dates there. And my book is called You Are All Terrible, the book. It was published by Tannins, which is the oldest magic shop in America. And they do a magic camp every year called Tannins Magic Camp. I was a camper, now I'm a counselor.

So I always say support your brick and mortars. But yeah tannins.com you can get the book there a bunch of other magic stores are selling it as well but just support like uh but support magic stores and magic that's cool um but you are all terrible is the book and if you google it you'll be able to find it or get it through my website hyresandgroom.com there's a link you can click it and get the book there I went to a great magic store at the Seattle market in Pike Street yes? Yes. Pike Marketplace? Yes. It's run by Vanishing Ink now, I think, right? Oh, is it? There was an old store

and then those guys who were great, they bought it. And yeah, they're keeping it going, which I think is awesome. I love magic. What do you want to plug?

Well, I'm back in Titanic until April 21st. So if you are interested, come see me in that at the Dale Roth theater. And then just know I'm not doing the show March 13th through the 18th because we'll be in LA doing the downside live Thursday, March 14th.

I think it's sold out, but maybe just try to come anyways. And then, uh, May 3rd. Oh, and we're doing shrooms. Oh yeah.

Could be our last episode. Could be our last episode. We're doing shrooms in the desert. And then May 3rd, we will have both the Downside Live and Uncle Function, same night in LA. Can you imagine if you did shrooms and your trip, you go, I don't want to do the podcast anymore. Wait, John Mario, before you plug, what is happening with your pants situation? So people think it's like they're like, as if I'm like trying to show off.

Like, yeah, I'm like, ooh, let me give him a calf. I think I have sensitive skin. Okay, but only in one leg? No, but it's just like I just need a little bit to breathe. It just feels good. I used to roll up my sleeves in class in high school. My teacher would be like, whoa, Gianmarco's showing off my sleeves in class in my, in like high school. I'm like, yeah, like,

Whoa, Jamarco showing off his guns. And I had no guns in high school. Uh, like most high schoolers these days. Uh, yeah. Now when a teacher says you're showing off the guns,

they have to hit an emergency button under their desk. Um, this is what I want to plug. I will be in, uh, Columbia, Missouri, March 21st.

Um, and then the weekend after that, I'll be in San columbia missouri march 21st um and then the weekend after that i'll be in san diego march 29th and the 30th and then uh just to keep these going this is the netflix is a joke festival i will be on may 2nd headlining uh the masonic lodge some tickets available but get them now may 2nd and then may 3rd the downside live at the comedy store 7 p.m at and uh uncle function after that everything in the comments check it out follow harrison follow russell uh uh and then you know oh last thing i want to say because you're my third magician on third third third wow third who's Wow. Third. Who's? Matt the Knife and then you weren't there for your pal,

Justin Willman and then they, if I want a magician to do a trick, it's the same way as when you ask a comedian to do a joke.

Well, the thing about magic though in particular, so if you said just do a joke, there's jokes that are off the top of your head that you could do.

Magic requires, good magic generally requires prep so definitely like in advance is helpful because like magicians they're a really good trick you want to like pen teller teller of pen and teller i think he's the one has the quote that like sometimes the secret to a magic trick is just like spending way more time than a human being should spend time on a thing. Yeah. And so yeah, that definitely helps. So you don't have a trick on you right now? No, I didn't put anything in my back pocket. It's like that old story.

I will translate on audio anyways. This is the downside. That's true. We could just describe me doing a miracle and no one would know. Oh my god! Where'd that rabbit come from? What? More rabbits now? Seven? Now your knee's bleeding. A miracle!