The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #194 The Intersection Between Media & Criminal Justice with Lucas Zelnick

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

Comedian Lucas Zelnick joins us to share the downsides of performing in front of a crowd of influencers, taking down crowd work clips at the request of the FBI, how rich you have to be for an invite to the family jet, giving money to fake charitable causes, and why you should keep your anxiety to yourself. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Lucas on Instagram, YouTube, & TikTok See Lucas in a city near you: https://www.lucaszelnick.com/ Listen to Lucas' podcast, Can I Go Home Now? Follow The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi on Instagram Get tickets to our live podcast recording in NYC on May 13 https://www.showclix.com/event/the-downside-w-gianmarco-soresi OR come to our live podcast recording in LA at Netflix is a Joke Fest on May 3! https://thecomedystore.com/the-downside-with-gianmarco-soresi/ Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Technical production by Chris Mueller Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by A Real Pain. From Searchlight Pictures comes one of the buzziest films at Sundance Film Festival, A Real Pain. Written, directed, and starring Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg alongside Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin. Witness a hilarious and moving story about two mismatched cousins as they tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th. Hello, hello, hello, Joe Marcus Rezzi. Hello, hello, hello, Joe Marcus Rezzi. Hello, hello, hello, Joe Marcus Rezzi. Welcome to The Downside. That's the kind of fun three-beat comedy you can expect today. We were just shooting the the shit talking about stuff that would have made

for a much better podcast but now we're gonna put it all away and just talk about a bunch of bland bullshit that will excite nobody welcome to the downside i think i already said it uh i confidently said last time that we would have cola skull on today today. Very confident. I said it. I was still feeling good about it this weekend. I was like we got him. I wrote him a joke in an email and he wrote back another joke and I said this is communication. He's losing his voice. He said he's going to come back

and I really do believe this as opposed to another guest who I'm not going to say because I still want them to come on who was going to do it and then their PR person said, hey, he's been really tired with all the press recently. For the year.

I'm here with my co-host Russell Daniels. Hello, John Marco. How are you? I'm fine. This is a flattering introduction. Really appreciate it. We almost had Cola Skola on. And also there's another guy we wanted that we couldn't get.

And hello, Russell. Well, don't forget we went through about 20 women. And then we got down to my 21st favorite woman. There you go. Lives nearby. No, I'm very excited. His episode, which he told me the moment he walked in the door, has over 10,000 views on YouTube.

Please welcome our guest, Lucas Salmic, everybody. Hello. It's good to be back here. It's good to help buoy your ratings, as I did last time. You may know Lucas from the Dr. Squatch... What is it called? I don't... Is there a name for it? I did, like, a branded... What's the name of the brand? Dr. Squatch. It is Dr. Squatch. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When it came out of my mouth, I said it couldn't possibly be the name of a company. No, that's quite literally the name. He did a branded stand-up shoot for Dr. Squatch. I did. And it sounded like there was a lot of money being flung around. What is Dr. Squatch? It is an organic...

First of all, it's a great brand partner. Can we get sponsored by them first? What the fuck? Yeah. What is Dr. Squatch? It is an organic... First of all, it's a great brand partner. Can we get sponsored by them first? What the fuck? Yeah. What is Dr. Squatch? Only a phenomenal partner to be in business with. Oh, is this part of the contract? Every podcast appearance for the next six months?

I have nothing but nice things to say about those guys. They took about an hour or two of my time, and they took care of me. What do they make? They make soaps, organic soaps. Deodorant. Deodorant. I have some. Soaps, deodorants.

Male-focused hygiene products. Is it a real person, Dr. Squatch? No. It's just a fun name? It's short for Sasquatch. Men, Sasquatch. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But what you noted in the clip that they ultimately pulled was that there was a comedian who went on before you who the whole set kept going like,

oh, Dr. Sasquatch, so great to be putting on this show. Dr. Sasquatch, everybody. And you noted that not the name of the company. I got on and said the R word, to be exact. That's how I started. I said comics, R, and then I dropped the R word.

Here's the thing, is I was working on a little practice for myself about showing up to tapings and being myself. Because I'm so rigid in these stand-up tapings sometimes. I had a hard time. I saw your Comedy Central. Thank you. I really appreciate that. This is going great so far. I really am.

You know, it's fun having friends on. It's fun having friends. I get to be the bitch that I always want to be. I was rigid in Comedy Central. If Cole was here, I'd be like, Cole, I loved you. But you, I get to say, I kind of hated this thing. No, tell me. No, well, first of all, I'll say, Dr. Squatch amazing company, so let's get that out of the way.

Incredible. They do try to market specifically to men's men, so I don't think this podcast would be able to get sponsored. Not the demo. Yeah, so I was practicing being loose in stand-up tapings, which I know is a challenge for me. I'm still like a less experienced i uh yeah so i was i was practicing being loose in stand-up tapings which i know is is a challenge for me i'm still like a less experienced comic and so i was thinking because this guy's fucking blowing the name though it's william montgomery who's a kill tony regular

and his set was so hilarious because it was so inappropriate so we were asked by the company to write a specific joke about soaps everyone Everyone came in with between three to ten... Troy Bond wrote ten minutes of soap material. I could not believe it. And I'll say his name because I was blown away. I was like, they didn't even ask for that. He, like, went above and beyond. I wrote, like, three minutes of bad soap joke

about, like, showering with a person you don't know very well. I was hoping for a Holocaust joke out of you. Well, then we'll get there, too. And Dr. Squatch, then Dr. Goebbels. After that joke. I got 10 more minutes. I'll tell you later. Dr. Mendel?

That was the bad Holocaust doctor. He was the one that ran me. Most of the good ones? Who gave you a lollipop after? I bet there were some good Holocaust doctors. There were definitely better. You could rank them. They're just trying to be a doctor.

I'll tell you what, you can rank the bad ones. And Mendel, I believe, was at the top. He was the experiments guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's not really a doctor. That's just like a... Well, no, I believe he was a doctor. I'm sure he was a doctor.

He was trained. I'm sure he went to school. Yeah, but like, did he follow the Hippocratic Oath? Doesn't sound like it. In Germany at the time, I think they kind of adjusted the Hippocratic Oath? It doesn't sound like it. In Germany at the time, I think they kind of adjusted the Hippocratic Oath in a way that... But anyway, forgetting Holocaust doctors for just a moment, although obviously that's why I came on,

was to talk about them. Yeah, he's like a kill Tony. So he wrote no soap material. Instead, what he did is he tagged every joke with, and you know I got that Dr. Sasquatch on me. So one of his jokes, which was like so dark, so dark, was a joke about like Tina Turner dying in her bathroom. It was some disco star.

Maybe it was Whitney Houston. Whitney Houston died in the tub, yeah. Okay, okay. So it was that, and he goes, you know it must have been pretty stinky in there, and you know she needed that Dr. Sasquatch on her. And everyone's just mortified. Like, all the comedians are cracking up

because it's so inappropriate. And wrong. Yes. And the wrong name. And the incorrect name of the company. And it gives so many things on top of each other that you shouldn't do in this context. And that's what the show sort of became because they,

at the show, which was very bizarre, first of all, it was produced by don't tell comedy, which obviously they know exactly what they're doing with comedy productions. But then the marketing agency decided that in addition to getting comedians to perform, they'd get influencers in the audience to heckle or not necessarily heckle.

The influencers didn't understand why they were in the audience. So they thought for not necessarily heckle. The influencers didn't understand why they were in the audience. So they thought for some reason, like it was just like how much money can we waste on one? Or spend appropriately. And I just want to remind you, Dr. Squatch is an incredible, incredible business. And the marketing team,

the folks are just incredible to work with and all that stuff. But they packed the audience with influencers. I guess they wanted us to do like crowd work. And then in the crowd work, they'd cut to the influencers. But of course, crowd work is way better with people that aren't influencers because it ruins the thing. And the whole illusion that companies wouldn't know based on our clips. It's like I've said this before and people comment and they go, man, you just don't miss.

And I'm like, I'm not posting the misses. You don't know what my batting average is. It is low. Yeah. It is low. I spend so many hours on stage. You really have no idea. So they think like crowd work and then everyone has a great clip.

And I'm like, that's not going to happen in a 10-minute set. 100%. We're going to do hot material. And then once we feel confident with a minute to go, we're going to try to dip into something and then bail immediately. So Stavros

is on. He's the host of the evening. And he's getting on and an influencer starts heckling him immediately. And because with one of these tapings like it was unclear like what percentage is this a comedy show what percentage is this a taping and what percentage is this like a branded commercial effect yeah yeah it was very unclear to me at that time but when this guy starts

heckling stavros stavros eviscerated him like full comedy show mode like the way you would a heckler in which way just like the way he looked or totally just up and down just and the influencer was sort of shell-shocked he was like you're fucking five seven you got like a stupid beanie over your ears you never get any pussy like you're a loser you're pathetic like just everything at the same time and then like he tried to tie it back to soap so he's like i bet your dick smells like shit you probably need some doctor squad soaps on it it was i've never heard like a branded heckler destruction moment but that's what happened he destroyed him the heckler in a branded sense uh-huh and then the

heckler like clearly was you know not thought that that's what he was hired to do because these guys were paid to be in the audience so he's like he's what am I? He's playing a character of the influencer that he is on his front facing videos. So he's kind of like hurt. And then the comedy starts and I still am not exactly sure what happened. And then William went before me and I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to treat this like a show. And it was like if it were a show. Yeah.

Someone made that big a faux pas again and again and again. I'd probably riff on it. So I did. I just got on. I was like, hiring comedians is the dumbest fucking thing you could have possibly done. You could have possibly done, except for I didn't say dumb. I said the R word.

And that really... They liked that. They really liked it. I gotta say, Lucas, you're funny. This is the downside. One, two, three. Downside. Downside. You're listening to The Downside.

The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi. This is The Downside with Gianmarco Cerezi. If you're a fan of the show, join the Patreon. Patreon.com slash downside. You get bonus episodes, live episodes. My comedy special, The Rats Are In Me. And I think a new category

called Crowd Work that the audience member demanded I take off the internet but I'm going to put it on the Patreon because I spent a lot of money putting it together tell me about this can you? let me just say, yep we will but Lucas, thank you for being here

thanks for having me I was joking before, I tell people, I told Tova I said after our last. I was joking before. I tell people, I told Tova, I said after our last episode, I was like, that's the level of comedy I want this podcast to be. And I've asked you, to be fair, every time we have an opening, I do ask you. You do.

You've asked me, I think this is the third drop you've asked me to fill. And I told Tova, I said, you tell him to say yes this time, or no more, no more cunnilingus for you, sweetheart. No,

I got to be careful with this one because I know this is the first episode in a long time Tova will actually listen to. I tweeted, there is something, because Tova, I think she still listens to the podcast,

but now that she works with you, I come home and I'm like, is Lucas here? Oh, fuck, it's just playing out loud. And she laughs and she laughs. She laughs. Because she listens to my podcast. She laughs in a different way than she laughs at me. Oh, it's tough.

So I had a clip. Last time you were on, we talked about a clip that I didn't put out. I had a clip, and it was like, you know, first of all, every comedy club has like a piece of paper somewhere up front that it says, by entering this space, you may be filmed. Some of them have it. Some of them don't.

This one, this club, it did have it. Person, it was a normal interaction. I was talking about couples counseling. They were like, ugh. And I was like, what? And he said, couples counseling, they always favor the woman. Everyone booed. And then we found out he was gay. And he just thinks couples, he was just, it was strange.

And then he talked about his dating life and he ended up saying that he was some kind of, he dealt with child exploitation videos. And he was like, nothing funny about that. And I was like, well, let's try. And we kept going and he said he went on dates where he would tell people on the date.

Wait, sorry, he struggled with child exploitation? No, he works in that. So he's like in a law enforcement. He like helps film and distribute. No. No, he's a cop. We're the production company that brought you. He's a cop.

He's a gay cop. Oh, I saw this clip. You posted it on there. Yeah, I posted it. You blurred his face. So I blurred his face. So basically he said, this was the funny part

where he said he went on dates and he would tell his date that he owned a mini golf course because he thought it would be too dark to bring up what he actually did. And, you know, of course. Psychotic. It's psychotic. I juggle plates for actually did. And, you know, of course. Psychotic.

I juggle plates for a living. Why would you pick something that requires so much? Like, you just say you're an accountant. You're just quoting my video right now. Oh, okay. It was one of those delightful, one of those delightful, I just go, what? And I'm like, this video is going to do well. Yeah.

And then the big punchline was, he reveals it on the third date. I'm like, well, I guess in a sense you still work with little holes. And it was – okay, good. Thanks. And it was so – because it was – It's hard to laugh on a podcast knowing you're being recorded at the punchline. You work with little holes. I know.

I mean, it's funny, but it's – And the pressure. The scary thing me until I laughed. He did look at you like you were watching his favorite movie. If I can't release the video, I need to get the joke out somehow. Somehow, some way. You did release the video. What are you talking about?

I did release it. So I released it, and it was doing well enough. And I blurred out his face, which I don't always do, but it just felt like, oh, it's an undercover cop who's quite mouthy for an undercover cop, given where they are. Telling everyone, telling the whole audience what he does. And I thought, like, oh, I'll go out of my way to blur it.

Yeah. And when I say my way, I whipped Liam Nelson. Yeah, how generous you are to blur the face proactively of the undercover cop who was doing crowd work with you at the show. And then, you know, I'm on the plane. I'm on the plane back from Edmonton. This was in Edmonton? No, no, it was in D.C.,

but I was flying back from Edmonton this past weekend. I was like, who cares about a cop in Canada? I mean, do they even have police? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you a Mountie? And they wrote me, let's see, let's see. So, okay. Basically, I saw on the plane,

I was featured in a video at your comedy show. The video posted has the potential to cause immediate harm to me, my family, and my work. I actively receive threats to my life, and I've taken significant steps to protect my identity. Okay? You take significant steps to protect your identity? Then why

then just stick with the mini golf? You don't say your profession and your dates but at the beginning of a comedy show? And that man's name is no, I'm just kidding. If it's in the camera, note to my editor, please check the camera to make sure. Yeah, it is

crazy to make a noise. He wanted to engage. And I blurred his face. So you took it down after that. I took it down swiftly. Did you respond to him? Yeah, because there were clips. And one clip we just talked about something else.

And I was like, this too? And who knows part of me is like i'll re-release it without without the audience angle yeah because then it's just audio who gives a shit well at least he follows you on social media you know that's good yeah he wrote he wrote the full slate he wrote the full uh now he'll stay he'll stay watching you to make sure you don't you know wait so how do you reckon with the difference between posting that clip and talking about it on this podcast and that's actually a serious question sure because it could yeah less comedy so i oh that's interesting no no because i just meant i'm not saying that to fuck with you it's just a matter is identity identification

you know this person publicly at a comedy show told this story. Showing a video of them, I am sensitive to the concept that crowd work in general, we are taking great liberties. This is the second video I've removed. One, someone just didn't like the comments they were getting about it, and they asked to be removed.

And I don't want to be an asshole. I think we have been given a generous gift, and we exploit this thing. People are actively participating in it. You can't be foolish at this point. But I think the fact that the video identified this person, even with the blurred face, maybe you see the shape, you see the clothes, all these things together, you put something together. Yeah. you put something together.

I have a feeling that email is more hyperbolic than it needs to be because it just wants it to be taken care of swiftly. Yeah. But I think sharing my experience, I'm allowed to talk about what happened at a comedy show. The part that I think is extra is you being filmed. That's my current philosophy with crowd work. And I think this is a new thing

that we're all navigating what the ethics of it are. What are the ethics of outing people's personal lives when they're put on the spot in front of a crowd and don't know how to protect themselves while we're comfortable while promoting our own careers to make more money? What are the ethics of that? And the answer is we need to make more money and sell more tickets. Yes. But there's also a difference between like, what do you do for work? No, please, please move on. What do you do for work? Yes. This was someone who fully and actively was participating.

Yes. And there is a certain thing about a cop, an undercover or whatever this is. You know what they say about cops? What'd you say under your breath? I don't know. Editor, boost that up so it sounds like he's screaming it in. You ever have someone ask you to take a video down? So I've had two of these instances.

The first was pretty cut and dry to me. The first was there's a, and I'll just say it now because it's been a while and I don't think it's going to cause this person issues, but there's this Jewish school called Sh**.

Huh? Hilarious name. You said it was, like, I'd be like, oh, Sh**. I've been there. I dated a girl from Sh**. Well, you basically

do date a girl from Sh**. Pardon me for thinking that might be where she went. It is a chain school. She'll be like, you didn't know I went to s***? I told you this three times. And she was a teacher and she was talking about, she was basically shitting on certain parents for being overly neurotic.

Jewish parents, neurotic, what? And I posted a clip of it. It went viral immediately on TikTok. This was back when I was like TikTok, like I could do no wrong on TikTok. Like everything I posted was just off to the races. And within an hour, she had her job threatened by the head of because it was such a niche thing. It had gotten first to then there were people in the comments saying her name based on her voice. They were like, we go to sh**. I was hitting the Jews so hard at that time. Now the Jews are hitting other people. But at the time, I was kind of drilling down on the Jews. Nice, good role reversal. And she reached out and was like, hey, could

you please take that down? I think I'll lose my job. So I took that down. The second time that it happened was a lot more interesting. The story was of a young man who was born Hindu. He lived in... he converted to Mormonism after he was shot at by the Ku Klux Klan at point-blank range, and all of the bullets missed him. He decided that it was a divine act of Joseph A. Smith. And all you asked him is, what do you do for work?

That's a lot of history. Joseph A. Smith and all you asked him is what do you do for work I said I said where are you in school he said I said are you Mormon he said yes I said oh and you're Indian he said yes I said I love that's the white version that's like I was jealous of like Andrew Schultz will be able to like say something

like something racial but we'd be like, and another fact, you're Indian. Any reflection off that point? Yes. I always tread a little lightly there. First of all, I always ask if I'm right. I'm like, you're Indian, correct?

You could be white. Just look really Indian. That's what I do just to show how progressive I am. If it's a black person, you know, you could be white. Just look really Indian. That's what I do just to show how progressive I am. If it's a black person, I go, you're Asian? Yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry. When I see black, I'm not even kidding. When I see black people in the crowd, I do ask if they're black before I say they're black.

Even when it's very obvious that they're black. I just go, are you black? And then everyone laughs. And then I go, well. That's a good bit. That's a decent bit. Whatever, you know. Yeah. I just, you can you black? And then everyone laughs. Yeah. And then I go, well. That's a good bit. That's a decent bit. Whatever, you know? Yeah.

I just, you can never go wrong asking too. So I asked, so I was like, so you're Indian. He was like, yeah. I was like, I was like, I feel like Indians aren't usually Mormon. That's how we got into it. He was like, well, I converted. I was like, that's so much more interesting than being adopted, which is the first riff I did was like, you were adopted by some white folks.

You know, they wanted a brown one or whatever and not a brown one, a brown, a beautiful, whatever. I don't think one, one is okay. One's okay.

Yeah. One individual, beautiful person, brown, whatever you're thinking. It's even worse. I can see Russell. We could see the racism in your heart.

Russell, just say the word you're thinking of a slur. Once we have AI that see the racism in your heart. Russell, just say the word. You're thinking of a slur. Oh, my God. Once we have AI that can generate your voice exactly, I'm going to ruin your life. I think we already do. It's just a matter of putting in the effort.

Yeah. So we did this whole crowd work dance, and I wanted to post the clip. He came up to me right after the show, and he said, first of all, I did like 20 minutes on it, slaughtered. Like, I found every riff perfect. Unlike the KKK.

Unlike the KKK. Yes, the KKK failed to slaughter at very close range. Yeah. And I was able to hit every shot. You didn't miss once. No. I pumped this guy full of shots, this beautiful, beautiful Mormon Indian genius.

And he came up right after the show. Right after the show on the meet and greet line, and he said, sort of almost shaking, he said, I've worked for years with an FBI informant to protect my identity and ensure that the KKK is not after me, and I just, please don't post this online. I have sympathy.

But at the other hand, I go, what are you doing? What are you doing talking about it? So wait. So I go, me being who I am, I was like, well, I'm sure we can work out a solution together where I can cut a clip. Not a joke. Yeah. Where I can cut a clip that's amenable to you and the FBI.

So I get on an email chain with this guy and his FBI informant and my editor. This is the nature of the modern world. It's like the fact that the FBI is involved with me on the cutting of a TikTok. So we go in word for word, and I give him probably three or four cuts. I bleep the KKK. That was the biggest issue. I don't know. We're going to have to figure out later.

Was it like beep, beep, beep? Or was it... He just said, we're going to have to figure out later if we can avoid... We might have to do some bleeping in here. I don't know. Oh, sure, sure.

We'll put us all on the chain with the FBI informant. I'm not worried because even though I increase your podcast ratings, they still maintain a pretty low average viewership. That's whenever people do. I did a Patreon exclusive recently, and everyone was like, oh, it's okay, it's just for the Patreon.

I'm like, guys, the goal is that it gets heard. The Patreon is not a vault. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think at the very least, as long as it's not the clip, I don't feel too worried about it. I'm not disclosing any info. You might have to bleep the school. Sure.

That's fine. Here's my rule. You tell me because we're figuring out a new landscape right now. Here's my rule with bleeping. I will bleep anything. Let me send you the episode or your person. You tell me what to bleep. If it's a very specific school, that's fine you the episode or your person. You tell me what to bleep. If it's very specific school, that's fine. My person is your person, so just send it directly

to your own girlfriend, and then she will tell you what's acceptable. Sure, sure. That sounds good. You can cut out the middleman here and just show your girlfriend the episode. Uh-huh. But, so he came up to me, he said, so we get on a chain, me, the FBI, this guy, and we're going through edits, and we

come to an edit that's, like, acceptable with the FBI, where we bleep the KKK, we bleep... Which branch of the FBI is dealing with this? I love imagining that this guy does this all day long. It's comics all across the country. It's this, and it's Hunter Biden, like, back and forth.

He's just looking at TikTok videos of crowd work, being like, okay, okay. FBI, crowd work department. One day, you remember that there was a murder case that was solved because the guy who was accused was in a shot of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Yes, yes. And there will come a day. He got off of murder. He got off of murder because they show that he was in the B-roll footage.

It was the alibi. They have the day that they filmed it and he was on the tape. And one day that will happen with crowd work. Well, there's for sure a profound interaction between media and crime. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That was a very vague sentence and not needed to be said at all.

You know, that'll be the title of the podcast. That'll get people hooked. There's a profound interaction. There's an intersection between media and criminal justice with Lucas Zelnick. With Dr. Squatch's Lucas Zelnick. I caught myself saying that. I was like, what was the purpose of that comment?

We're both like, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We both agree. There's a profound interaction between media and crime. What the fuck does that even mean? Every comedian deep down, that seed of becoming a Chappelle where you get so famous and're like I think I actually should just share the wise thought yeah and it's it's what you just said yeah I have a preview of Lucas's career ten years yeah yeah what are we doing as a country yeah so so we got on it so we found it and

edited the clip huh and it had taken me a lot of time. I was editing it personally to ensure. So we cut out, I think we cut out the KKK and we cut out specifically the number of shots that were fired. Cause that was like an identifying thing. And I news article where you could look at it. Yeah, that's what it was. It was a thing that identified what the crime was. And then there was a couple things about where it took place that I won't divulge, like a couple other things that were shared. So I cut all that shit out, and I still thought it was a pretty interesting clip, because frankly, I thought Brown Mormon was sort of the heart of it. I thought the funniest part of it was that if you have a near-death experience, you pick Mormonism of all things to convert to. Just because he lived there at the time. The place that the KKK found him.

Yes. And I did a whole act out of the missionary right after this happened. And he's like, this is what... It was like a huddle. It was like, this is what we do this for. These are the moments that we are made as missionaries. It could have been the KKK missed every shot on purpose, said, now we go do this for. Like, these are the moments that we are made as missionaries storming. So it could have been the KKK missed every shot on purpose said,

now we go convert this guy. Yeah. It was an inside job. Yeah. I mean, very possibly. So I, I cut this whole thing and I was like, okay,

it's ready to roll. And then I posted it and it got like 7,000 views. Oh, that is such a perfect end. That is such a perfect. God That is such a perfect end. I was like, God damn it. Nobody gave a fuck the entire time. Half of those were just the FBI.

Yeah, it got more views than the average downside episode, but still it did very poorly in the grand scheme of how a clip could do. Oh, man. Amazon's holiday deals are here, so you can celebrate the season early. With low prices on decor, electronics, and beauty. Perfect for stocking stuffers.

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Well, this is the life we chose. Yeah, it's very dumb. So I was just in Edmonton, which you remind me, your mom was born there? My mom was born there, raised there until like 12. And did you fly economy as well? So Edmonton, do you know Edmonton? Let me say, I'm going to die one day on a private jet crash. And when I do, I'll be happy.

Guess what? So will I. Um, Edmonton is, uh, uh, honestly, I had a good time.

It's, it's known like people shit all over Edmonton. Why? Well, I've never done anything there. I've been there three weekends of my life. First club. I've,

I've done three headlining weekends, like in the last four years, which was cool. It's great that they're bringing you back. It's because you keep selling it out and they keep paying you the flat rate, huh? No, I got the door deal. Oh, you got the door deal. I got the door deal.

I'm glad you and Tova are talking. So I... Yeah, right back at you with my means of travel to the weekend. Ah! Ah! Oh, God. So,

there's a big mall. It's a big mall. I'm proud of my line. Do you guys know this mall is the second biggest piece of shit in North America? I liked that. I saw that. I honestly have like four minutes on the mall. It's just, they have seals.

They do a seal show. I did some mall jokes. I want to see if we wrote the same ones. What did you write about the mall because it's just they have seals. They do a seal show. Wait, because I did some mall jokes. I want to see if we wrote the same ones. What did you write about the mall? Okay, thank you. So I go, I knew this mall. First I said, they say, well, our mall has seals. Well, it shouldn't.

Thank you. Come on, keep it going, buddy. You can correct some at him. Why do I have to be the... Well, it shouldn't. At least Zeus... Laugh, Russell. It's so aggressive when you look at me. At least Zeus tried to recreate a natural habitat.

I don't think any seals grew up next to a Spencer's Gifts, which is right there by the thing. And I go, I knew this mall was too big because the first time I got here, I said, where's the comedy club? They didn't say go left at the Apple Store, right? The Nike, they said, go east, past the pirate ship. And it's a treacherous journey, but there's plenty of orange Juliuses along the way to keep you afloat.

And then I talk about the – Do you use any of these? The lemur exhibit. I was like, we're different comedians. I tried to go to the – What's an orange Julius? It's like whatever – they have like 20 of them in the mall. It's like a frozen yogurt place or something?

Yeah, but it's like have like 20 of them in the mall it's like a frozen yogurt place or something yeah but it's like it's like smoothie is everywhere okay like it's it's so often that just referencing it in that fashion is actually very funny okay and um what i said was absolutely hilarious just to be clear i went to the lemur exhibit last time they said you can only do lemur exhibit if you have two friends buddy if i had two friends i wouldn't go To the lemur exhibit okay, so I went to the food court And I tried to find two people to do the lemur exhibit with me this woman recognized me from tick-tock said Oh, where you doing? I said I'm at the comedy club. He said there's a comedy club here where I said go west Great callback big and then I have jokes about Edmonton Abortion is safe here because you can appreciate drilling without consequences, which is a good joke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are yours? Okay. Well, that was a whole act. I didn't realize you wrote an Edmonton five. I mean, you said it, but I didn't realize how. This is classic. This is why Dr. Squatch should have fucking hired me for the fucking shoot.

Oh, 100%. I mean, you work harder than pretty much everyone I've seen. Because I come up with a quick riff and a justification. Like mine was, I got there. More people at this mall than died in the Holocaust. All right, I'm Luke Selnick, everybody. Let's get on to this. I was doing this Dr. Squat show, let me tell you. Yeah, that's pretty much.

Tell me, what was yours? No, mine, okay, so I had two, but one was more about my mom. I said, the first one I wrote was, I got here, there's a gun range next to a church, which there is in the mall. There is. There's a gun range next to a church. I didn't know there was a church there. Yeah, there's a church there where you can get married. I said, there's a gun range next to a church.

And then I was like, am I even in Canada? I feel like I'm back in America. Uh-huh. There's an extra church. and then I was like, am I even in Canada? I feel like I'm back in America. Uh-huh. And then, now I, we were laughing at you trying to sell your bits,

and now I'm trying to sell mine. And I'm like, well, it is a tough crowd in here, actually. First of all, one of the audience members who loves this bit is talking, so he can't laugh. And second, the other two have been a little challenging to get, to open up. The bit I wrote that I ultimately ended up using for the weekend was I said, and this is true, we went out into Edmonton and I saw my mother's childhood home and I said, I forgive you for everything because this place is the shittiest place I've ever been. And they liked that.

I just call most towns a shithole and I say. But Edmonton, like some towns don't like it. In Edmonton, they like it. like it In Edmonton they like it Yeah They really They're fucking animals I'll tell you I'll tell you

The other joke that I The last one I realized Because there was a shooting In the mall Like two years prior And I was like They should just call this one The Mall of America

Yeah So that's similar Canadians fucking love They love when you shit on America Yeah That's Because that was That is very similar

To the one I wrote. So just please don't do that next time you get out. Please don't take my Edmonton riffs. Those are very sacred to me. Lest I be invited back. How many times did you go to Edmonton before you did comedy? Did your mom bring you back there? Never.

No, no. She grew up in Vancouver, mostly. And we went to Vancouver a lot. Do you have Canadian citizenship? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah, dual citizen. When Trump gets realized.

Oh, this is a funny thing. So I don't know why my mom is here. So I said to my mom, my mom's rich, as you referenced by the private jet comment. By the way, I didn't say private jet. All I said was, did you? You didn't say private jet. But were you thinking it? All I said is, did you fly commercial? That's all I said was did you fly commercial. That's all I said.

That's all I said. Economy. You said economy. Economy, yes. Oh, that's what I meant. But you knew we flew privately because Tova told you. No, I'm just learning this right now. You're such a liar.

You don't get to way in on psychological assessments. Just factual. Okay, well, he's clearly lying. No, no, no. I had heard tell. Yeah. Because Tova said to me, wouldn't you be so mad if I went to Edmonton with Lucas instead of you?

Because I wanted her to come with me to go do stuff in the mall. There's a big water park there. And I want to, I'll get you down there. We'll do a downside live mall there's a big water park there and i want to i'll get you down there we'll do a downside live i had to bring in well i wanted to bring an opener just to have an opener there and because we were flying privately so it would have been free to fly them out i mean not free at all in any sense not even remotely free but free to me and free to them which is free yeah in my experience and i had to i had to look over the landscape of comedians, and I had three people that I felt knew me well enough

to come on that plane and not hate me forever. And every other comedian, I went, you're too poor for me to be comfortable bringing you on a private jet. Just being realistic. I know it's a horrible thing to say, but that's the problem with extreme wealth is you hide it because it's so crazy.

What are you afraid of them doing? I don't want them to see that. Do you feel ashamed? I feel so ashamed. So I'll tell you something about flying privately that made me feel ashamed recently. So my family flies privately everywhere at this point. And if I'm going with them somewhere.

You'll go. I go. But you don't for your gigs that are not family related. I couldn't afford to. Okay. I don't have enough money. I have a trust fund and I make good money doing stand up. And both of those things combined do not nearly.

I mean, flying privately is insanely expensive. If I were to fly privately to Los Angeles, how much? 60,000 to 80,000. Okay, so not for this downside live. Maybe do a May one. Yeah, it might be a little... It depends on the

plane you want to get. We need a big guest. We need a big... We need fucking President Xi Jinping. You could probably get that down to 40 maybe if you want to get. You could get a lot of gigs between now and May. We need a big guest. We need a big, we need fucking President Xi Jinping. You could probably get that down to 40 maybe if you were to like stop for fuel

and then, and fly less safe. But, they're very dangerous also so you want to try to get a safe one. Sure. So,

I was on one to Montana. Also had a gig out there but I was more going on a ski vacation with my dad. Uh-huh. And it was just the two of us flying out there. And something happened with the planes.

It got switched up. And we were on a G6, which is huge for two people. It's probably a 15-seat plane or something. Sure. And there's a dining room on the plane. And there's a dining room on the plane. And the stewardess set out a buffet, a catered buffet in the dining room for us. And we had to eat. We had to get up from the seating area we were in, walk to the dining room,

serve ourselves at the buffet, and then go to another dining area on the plane. And I went, this is starting to feel morally wrong. I told my dad that was the line for me. I said, I'm fine flying privately while people starve, but I am not fine having a dining room on the plane. And then I said to him, I said, if you got, if you died and you got to heaven's gate and God looked at you and went, a dining room. Seriously. A dining room on the plane. I said, what would you say?

And he said, well, I know a lot of people as rich as me and they're not as generous as I am with my time and money. I was like, forget the moral relativism argument for a second. I'm sure you're a nice rich guy or whatever the fuck you want to believe. But I was like, let's just come back to reality. Well, not reality. Come back to where we were for a moment. And let me ask you again, God doesn't go, how charitable were you? He just goes a dining room on the plane. My dad said, I guess in that instance, I'd be going to hell, My dad said, I guess in that instance, I'd be going to hell, but all my friends would be there too.

And that was his. I mean, it's pretty horrible. Now they can fire the woman who sets up the buffet, and then she can be unemployed so you can feel better when you're taking your private jet. I didn't want her seeing that. No. So the people that you considered, they also have money or are close enough that you're like... Listen, I'm honest about... Obviously, I'm talking about this podcast.

Which is great because a lot of people would... Yeah, and I have a theory about... You write me bleep when I say jet. Yeah, yeah. No. This kind of thing I'm fine with and i want to be on and some people again they're like he brags about it it's not me bragging it's just i've lived this experience comedians are generally speaking most successful when they're honest about their experiences this is in fact a unique experience and i'm sharing it and that's my choice and i know it doesn't reflect well and it and that is where i i think

it's partly it's just some people will hate you for that and that's fine that's the reality if you didn't like i remember i hope i'm not speaking out of turn too much i don't think it is but i i feel like i saw i'll just say it like this i saw a very very famous rich comedian doing jokes about how they got the vaccine early and they were you know joking about like yeah when you're this famous they give you the medicine early and there was a degree where i'm like you better got some funny jokes because i don't think that's funny yeah and i the irony of like you you got it before us that sucks and you're the one who got it like i'm not feeling warmly towards you yeah and it was just like a few it was a moment of uh i don't think you're gonna make me laugh about it and that's just the reality of it yeah

and the bonus is you got the vaccine early And you get to stay alive when I die You don't get my love too And part of it is just like recognizing This stuff doesn't bother me But it's also because I'm doing fine in life You know And I think There's just that spectrum

And you're not lying Listen it's horrible How rich people live And I totally accept it being offered to me. But do you think as you get older, that's just the paradox of what it is, is I go, it's wrong. I shouldn't get this. I don't deserve this no more than anyone else. And the fact that I have this and that the system is set up such that some people accumulate so much wealth as to have a dining room on a plane and other people go hungry is wrong. As the guy benefiting from it, I go, wow, we got to Edmonton quick. Do you think, and you don't have to stop in

fucking Toronto. Do you think that when you get older, not that you're going to give away all your money, do you think that you will have a personal cap, or do you think you will just become your father's exact way of thinking? No, I mean, luxury means something different to me. And naturally speaking, I think, like, I want to have a nice house. I want to have maybe a nice car, and I want to eat well. Sure. Like eat fancy, expensive food.

And once to twice a year, I want to go on a vacation to the fanciest hotel. So those are all luxury preferences. Beyond that, I don't feel incredibly strongly, including flying privately. So, and that's not a $50 million lifestyle. That's a $3 million, $4, $5, $6 million lifestyle, sub $50 million lifestyle. That's a $3 million, $4 million, $5 million, $6 million lifestyle. Sub $10 million lifestyle. It's hard because then if things start happening, it all creeps in. I'm not going to give away money.

If I get rich from stand-up, I'm going to. Oh, I like this new thing, and I like this, you know, maybe I'll go away for this weekend. I think it's hard. It's hard to be like, I'm going to, you know. In my fantasy, I invest in things That are good And for not

Your fantasy Is investing No but like investing In like Like a Like a way to To invest like in Young pop stars

No No not boy bands I'm gonna invest in boy bands I'm gonna own them all No I just mean like In like things that That do good works I think

In my fantasy Good works What are you gonna do With your money What are you gonna do With your money all. No, I just mean like in like things that do good works I think in my fantasies. Good works? What are you going to do with your money? What are you going to do with your money? It's very hard for me to imagine. I don't know. I'm not investing. What do you mean good works? It's making you money or you're... No, no. What are you going to do? I'm just trying to think about being a morally good person. Be more clear. What are you

talking about? I'm going to invest in malaria. Mosquito nets. Malaria? Mosquito nets? Not malaria. Just period. to invest in malaria mosquito nets. Malaria mosquito nets. Not malaria, just period. You stole the words right out of my mouth. I was going to invest in malaria mosquito nets. I mean, malaria is such a big

deal right now. It's so hot. Forget Palestine. Let's invest in malaria. Malaria mosquito nets. Well, I will say, here's the thing. So much of charity among the rich, in my experience of it, has been so performative. I used to have a bit about this, but I don't.

I gave a dollar to a homeless guy today. I did it with, like, this. You gave a dog to a homeless guy? A dollar! What the fuck? Can you imagine being like, you're homeless, here's another mouth to feed. Take on this responsibility. It might help you understand how to take care of yourself.

This could be a really heartwarming yet challenging experience for you. And your journey starts today. You're welcome. Of course it's all performative. Yeah. But all the New York City kid charities, like all the bar mitzvah charities, it was always the intersection of a real world issue with whatever a teenager's passion was at that time. So this is the, this is the true charity I gave my bar mitzvah money to is I gave, I believe $35,000

raised from friends and family to a charity called Etgarim. You can look it up. It still exists, which offers to create peace between Israelis and Palestinians via action sports because I like skiing. So it set up water ski lessons for Israelis and Palestinians. And when I tell you... That didn't work. When I tell you that that did not prevent October 7th, when I heard about October 7th, I go, seriously?

Wait, I thought... After everything I did... Didn't some of them come in on water skis? They did come in on parasails, actually. Oh, fuck, we trained them. Oh, it worked against us. We trained them. At Hamas headquarters,

they have a picture of you at 13, and they say thank you. I mean, on the wall of great donors at Hamas. I mean, it was... Russell's getting quiet because he's scared. Very good. Yeah. Are you scared?

I'm not Jewish. I can't. I can't fucking... When we get off the podcast, we'll say the funniest thing in the world. No. No. No.

No. But yeah, so that was a real charity. I did another one. It was post-apartheid racism in South Africa. Not encouraging it. De-escalating it by way of soccer. We'd go play soccer with mixed race children in South Africa. You know, if I did a Bobby,

it would be try to bring Israelis and Palestinians together via musical theater. Yeah. You know it would be that. It would be like, guys, you're the Sharks and the Jets. Yeah. Just dance it out. Exactly. And they would probably have like a name, like a pun name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would you have done? What would have been your thing at 13 that you'd be like, this might help? Oh, I mean. If they could only do this. Yeah, it would be like a pun name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would you have done? What would have been your thing at 13 that you'd be like, this might help? Oh, I mean. If they could only do this. Yeah, it would be like a. Jerking off in your room. Jerking off in your room.

Honestly, that would be the most effective. Curing world hunger via jerking off in my own room. Switching the porn there, looking at Israeli and, you know, like they're like. Oh, yeah. Helping Israelis jerk off to Palestinians to understand that they're human oh yeah helping israelis jerk off to palestinians to understand that they're human too like to humanize oh my god but that's the thing is i go we'll cut all this no no this stays out but that's the thing is when when people tell you they're doing charity i'm so skeptical of the idea because i'm like well was it at garim or was it charity because some charity

is great but i'm like even charity is a, giving your money away to charity. It's like, you might as well, you know what Dolly Parton did, which was legit, is Dolly Parton made like a whole ass town and like improved a fucking high school and like changed their graduation rate from like 50% to like 100%. And now all these improved the quality of life for like a place. I don't even know the facts behind this but I know that this is what happened.

Like I don't have the statistics. Sure. Dolly Parton did like a real thing but so much of it is... That's what I meant when I said invest in things. Yeah. First it's mosquito.

Malaria mosquito. Malaria is gone. If you make it and malaria exists I'll be pissed off. He's going to release malaria into a town so he can then save them with mosquito nets. Yeah. That is funny.

I never would have thought of fake charities that don't really. I mean. Well, it's the same thing with like CVS where it's like if you donate there, it just contributes to their tax write-off or something. Is it really? Yeah, there's something like when you go to CV, I mean, look this up, but there's something where you're not giving directly a dollar.

It's like they were going to give that and you're just kind of giving it for them to get their tax. Well, and like 80% of the money that usually goes to a charity will go to covering the overhead of the people that work at the charity. Yeah.

So it's like basically what charities are is it's a group of people figuring out how to solve a problem, needing to get paid for figuring that out, taking your money to pay them, and then giving the remainder to the cause that they've figured out how to solve. So that's not great.

All right, well, let's go into our new segment. This is where Russell catches us up on Israel-Palestine conflict. Russell, take it away. Not. Okay. I don't know. This is coming out in three weeks, as I always say, so it'll probably

be resolved by then. You're going to vote? Yeah, I plan on voting. Biden or Trump? Biden or Trump? It's still early. Are you going to vote for Biden? Why are you putting me on the spot? Russell, just be honest with us. Are you going to vote for Biden? Why are you putting me on the spot? Russell, just be honest with us. Are you going to vote for Trump?

Again. Can we tell that story just the behind the scenes of the guest with the person visiting your dressing room and they misconstrued

a thing that you did? Oh, I don't know. I feel like it really is. That's not a bad story. I really feel like that is a safe story. Yeah. Well, okay,

so we had, like, when I was doing this show, I'm very vague. Very vague. I was doing a show. On a big... A big show

on a higher level than I'm doing right now. uh no need to throw titanic under the bus no no no just like i'm just trying to be vague sure um so i'm doing titanic off broadway right now i was doing a different show before and uh we had a lot of celebrities come through that show and would do a little thing on stage and do a little thing on stage and it was a weird time to have like politicians coming through it started with like broadway folks yeah nathan lane and then suddenly we had people who are like politicians who are not only just politicians but they're politicians that were like actively doing like um going on the view on the view and like guys

pro all these kids need to die here's why these these things need to be happening this war needs to be happening blah blah so it was a weird time to be like oh yeah i want to meet that fucking person yeah so um they're like a couple of them came through and one of them was a big name person who came through and so it's you're gonna make that part fake well i mean you people could look into it just say it then okay uh i'll say it Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton came by the show by the show and it was mad Hillary I did not so I know she's Hillary's friends with your mom's ex Jeffrey Epstein they were friends was at the wedding for the daughter listen so it was one of those things where it was like

just a small thing you know they're doing a picture and they meet blah blah blah every time they like the celebrity comes back and they take pictures

with the main cast and the understudies and it's it worked like it was a social media driver everyone got their little video clip but it was like because of the circumstances

because of the circumstances it was like it wasn't gonna happen after the show it was gonna happen in between the show like during intermission, it was like, it wasn't going to happen after the show. It was going to happen in between the show, like during intermission. So it was even a little

more awkward to like not go to it. But I was like, I have to like be honest and be like, I'm really uncomfortable because of what's happening. She's literally doing

a press tour like in favor of what's happening. And also, I just was like, this is like a very small thing right now but i want to like set a thing where in the in the future i just don't want to meet these people and i don't want to like ever be like i'm doing this for to get this president elected like it's just all kind

of gross and then there's a picture of you and 10 years later they're leading the war and you're or they're doing you know and also you're like it's just one of those things where the the we've talked about this a lot on here but the line's been blurred of like entertainment and politicians and i think that when we like treat these people like they're celebrities or other famous people we're then not able to hold them accountable right because we're not able to be like hey fuck you do fucking something yeah it's jimmy fallon messing with trump and so it feels like that i was like i don't want to be like hey oh my god amazing work losing the election you know like i don't like amazing job you know anyways so i would junior at such a good bit where she

went on a book tour after the the loss and he was like he was like it was just like how are you gonna like write a book about how you didn't get a job? That's insane. It's so funny. Anyways, you feel bad because it means a lot to a lot of people, but it doesn't to me. And there was excitement. Obviously, there's this fervor. I'd be excited.

I mean, it's just a big deal to be, she's a big deal. Yeah. If you did a crowd work clip and the woman was Hillary Clinton, they ought to be like, oh, can we please use this? I will work with NetYahoo to make sure it's perfect. Yeah. So I, it was uncomfortable and I just, but I was like, I know I just got to, I'm not going to take part anyways. But what was funny was that me not taking part because I was like,

because of, you know, I'm this leftist anti-war, blah, blah, blah. A person working at the show. You went to your dressing room. I went to my dressing room. And later, one of the union guys comes up to me and goes, hey, I noticed you weren't in the photo with Hillary. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, not was not a fan either.

Huh, my guy? And like went to like high five. And I was like, oh, no, I think we don't like her for different reasons. Like I was like, but it was so funny because he was like, my man. He's just like, Chelsea's a troll, am I right? He's like, you know, there's some other guys down there

and the union guys, they don't like her either. And I was like, okay, well, we're... She's a slut, right? We're not the same. What? I was trying to be like... And I was like, no, but, like, okay. You know, I'm shaking his hand.

It's just this weird thing where I was like... But I'm sure everyone just assumes that you're a wild misogynist who hates Of course you are They've done a good job of making that Well it's kind of like you've never been in an Uber With someone that assumes your political beliefs And you don't have the heart to Oh my god yeah

Dissuade them of their notions Because I've been in that I mean many times been told things about the Jews What did they say to you? Yeah just like the Jews do this or that or... God, that's never happened. I've got an N-bomb. You're the one saying it to the Uber driver. You've never heard an

N-bomb? No. No. Oh my god. I would be shocked. I gotta stop opening with asking them to say it. I will say that. What are you doing? I'm clearly yielding the wrong result. Oh, five stars is what you want.

No, I had a guy. You know what it was? When I first was doing comedy as my only thing, I was really proud of it. So I was traveling a lot, and I was in a lot of Ubers and a lot of places where Uber drivers talk to you, and they would ask what I did, and I think you could probably agree now

if someone asks what you do, you don't tell them you're a comedian. I struggle with the lie especially if I'm going to the comedy club. I have this fear that I'm going to go oh, I work in advertising and then they see my name on the club and I feel like a schmuck.

But I want to lie. I would say most of the time unless I'm really like I I need to pick me up or just an interesting thing to feel like. You can also just say that you're a trust fund baby and you wouldn't be lying at all. I'm just a trust fund baby. I'm a trust fund baby.

The car flips into the center median. Kidnaps you. As your's your parents yeah that's true extraordinarily independently well out of a movie um but one of these times i said i was a comedian and he got into i've had this happen multiple times is a white driver doing bits by Eddie Murphy or Chris Rock. Oh, brother. And not editing any part of the bit. That is wild. I need not explain anymore. So I've had that, and then I've had a lot of people that, yeah,

don't feel great about the Jew. I mean, maybe you look a little Jew-y-er than I do, but I've had a lot of. I don't think in regular, in non-Jew-y spaces, people know I'm a Jew automatically. I do. But I've had a lot of... I don't think in regular, in non-Jewy spaces, people know I'm a Jew automatically. I wouldn't think it. You don't look extra Jewy. But for me, it's like,

I think maybe just the blonde hair. I think it's the blonde hair. Yeah, just people will. I told Tom once, I said, there's certain Jews, and you're one of them where like, because you don't look like the Jews I grew up around with,

when you're neurotic in a Jewish way I'm like Jesus when we were at the Hollywood Improv and you were freaking out about your set I was like Jesus you're a real Jew you're a real Jew that was a nightmare of a set it was not a nightmare of a set

it made me mad that you thought it was it was truly it was a good set it was a good set you know what i have a thing where i collapse where i go because this is the thing you cannot be you cannot be telling your your your team you had like a you you acted like you fucking ate shit no i said it was a Hollywood improv would never book you again after the set it was a good set i had a thing i'm i'm in a peer group of people.

I'm in a class below you. Would you think that's fair to say? Talent-wise? No, no, no. Certainly not financially. I know what you thought when I said that. I know what you meant. Would you say I'm one class below you or more than that?

You don't think? Once you get on the road, you lose track like what what eras are but but yes one because i just feel like you're the class of people that it's like when i think of your class i think of like you i kind of think of like caitlin palufo sure but like to be fair like kayla and i are probably the same age but like she was doing stand-up before me so is it it age-based? Yeah, it's an open question. It's more like, if I saw you guys at a table, I'd be like, right, peer class. And then if you saw me and

Jamie, Maddie Wiener, Emil, Casey Shornima, this may be an uninteresting conversation for the purposes of the podcast. Dropping specific names of people in the New York comedy scene. But that feels like a class of people where I'm like, okay, we're at the same age and stage,

you know, one way or the other. So I had felt, I had a lot of peers there that night, a lot of people in my class. And I had felt this like profound guilt, like they were all in the little room and I was in the big room and I have more followers and maybe I'm selling more tickets on the road, but I don't think myself a better comedian than them skill wise. And so I like

was spiraling about all this shit about being in the big room while they watched and not being any better than they were. And them watching me and me having a bad set. You were taking a jet home and they were on their bicycles, barely getting by to their hovel with six roommates. Yeah. Me teleporting with FDA non-approved substances to get back home. Them not even using stem cells to cure future diseases that they haven't been able to figure out they have yet. You got a vaccine for a variant we don't even know that's coming. Yeah.

And then I got up there and I was just like, I felt like I was on a lineup of heavy hitters between good comedians and famous comedians, as is always the case in L.A. They're either good or famous, mostly famous. And but good, too. And I had a trouble following the guy I was following. And it was not a crowd that was there for me. And then I knew you were going to get on and crush and you did. I didn't see, but I heard from everyone else.

And it was like just embarrassing for me i was like i felt i was mismatched for the lineup i truly it's so hard you know what's so hard about comedy is that you never tell the truth to anybody so so when you tell the truth it's hard to be like i really mean it yes it was not it was not like a oh fuck it was it was just an all-around good show yeah yeah it just felt like a soft whatever but that's how i felt that's how i spot and that's when i look at the comedy seller that's when i have nights like that when i was at the improv i go that's why i'm not ready for the seller because those are the kinds of spirals that you get into as a comedian where it's like it doesn't even matter how good you are there's plenty of people delusional enough to stand on their level of skill such that even though they're not good,

they have this confidence that allows them to, but I look and I, I don't even worry at the seller about following like famous drop-ins. I look at like the, the guys that have been there forever, like Greer and just people that are slaughtering and you know, they've gotten this shit down to a science. And I'm like, I'm like, I think I would spiral about not being worthy of being there and then not do it. Look, there's nothing wrong with having a podcast where only one of the members has been passed at the cell. Congrats to you, Jamie Wolf. Good to see you there. No, but that's good.

I mean, it's – but the fact that your bar is that ultimately you're going to be miserable, but it means you'll be a good comedian. I mean, that's just the bottom line. Will be. In the operative term. You are. But, I mean, I had some nights at the Cellar in those first year where I was just, I would have an okay set, and I would fucking lose my mind. And Tova was there for all of it.

Every single one. Yeah. And now she'll be there for you. Let's go to our next segment This Gotta Stop This has gotta stop Also a reminder when we get to the end I have to promote some other comedian specials I always keep forgetting

This has gotta stop Do you have a this has gotta stop? Yeah this has gotta stop Baby carrots these days are so careful careful wet they didn't used to be this wet you get a bag of baby carrots you have you can't just have that bag and eat them now why are they wet i i don't know there must be a reason because they didn't used to be this wet and i'm saying like you can't just get the bag now and put it in your fridge and then pull it out and eat it.

You have to remove it from the bag. You have to put down paper towels and put them in a new bag to store them. I don't understand why they're so wet now. What's happening? Something's changed. Since they have no skin, they can dry out quickly. So the next time you're drenched when you open a bag of baby carrots, that's why. But they didn't used to do that, and I liked them dry.

Like a real carrot. Like I want just a smaller version of a real carrot. A real dry carrot. And now I've stopped getting baby carrots because I enjoy baby carrots. It's a perfect little thing to have on the side. I love them. But they're always fucking wet and soggy, and you can't trust them. You just can't trust them. And I'm sick of transporting from one bag to another bag,

and it's too much work, and I'm on the real carrots now. I'm getting real carrots, and I'm dicing them up. Are you skinning them? No. You're eating that dirt? I'm eating that dirt. I don't care. You're eating that dirt?

It can't be worse than whatever chemicals they're putting in fucking baby carrots, you know, to make them fucking wet all the time. H2O? Yeah, what do you mean whatever chemicals? Listen, you know they're pumping those baby carrots full of something. Probably not in Europe, but we are in America. We're putting something in them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyways. Look at the baby carrots. Like 20 grams of fat in these carrots. What the fuck? There's cheese in these carrots. Yeah, so that's mine. That's a good one. Because you know me, I finish them,

and then for some reason, instead of putting them in the trash, I put them in my bag. Yeah. And then it's dripping wet, and it's humiliating when there's water coming off of you. Just dripping, yeah. People are like, what's going on with this guy's life? My this has got to stop.

So I did this. They do this thing sometimes, at least they did in Canada with like tipping for the cab where they have descriptors next to the percentages, I guess, to like, uh, probably for people who are foreign, I would imagine. Cause it's like 15% good. 18% wow. It said 18% wow. And I wanted to give 18%, but I was like I mean it's not

it wasn't wow we got to the destination it was good then 20% was like oh my god I almost came and so there's just something about it that we all know tipping is

so fucking bad and broken. There was a restaurant, I guess, that tried in America to say, hey, you don't need to tip. Everything costs more because of that so we can pay people fairly. And the restaurant, as you can imagine, because human beings are mentally disabled or as you would say, and so the restaurant failed. Because people said, oh, my God, this appetizer is $18 and I was like, no,

but it's, I promise it's the same. Yeah, it's all priced in. Just with a tip and we couldn't do it and like, it's just,

there's these realities of life where you go, it's not good, the system, and I guess we can never change it and the only way to change it is for the country to fall apart and that's why we'll be voting for Trump

for 2024 so we can finally break apart this this country and we need to start afresh a promise he hasn't yet made we will fix tipping culture yeah donald trump's second term biggest things so it's amazing though if if he would just do like one super liberal thing just super liberal thing that would like get a bunch of liberals be like oh fuck i guess we'll go for this i literally have a bit about this i thought my thing yeah i well i my point was actually sort of the opposite logic but i'm like he has no values uh-huh he is a shell into which values have been filled he wasn't a right-wing guy he was only a right-wing guy because

he became accidentally a champion of right-wing values yeah so my thing is if liberals started liking him, he would start reflecting back our values to him. Like if trans people supported Trump, then this is the bit, like he'd be at a rally tomorrow, like I'm so non-binary. I can't do it.

I like that a lot. But that's a really good bit. And I believe that sincerely. Yeah, let's do it. No. Let's start supporting Trump. If I do think if liberals, if we did liberals for Trump supporting Trump. I do think if we did liberals for Trump, much like Jews for Jesus,

we did liberals for Trump, I think we would be able to turn them liberal. Enough liberals. Interesting theory. Starting here, starting now, the downside endorses Trump for president. Oh, man, this episode. Those union guys, we'll get them on next.

Have them on as a guest. I just feel your anxiety through the distance. Oh. How hard we are. Do you have this kind of stuff? I do, and it's actually directly related to what I said. Here's my thing. I'm anxious.

I'm sick of people. I hate that we've normalized people being like, I'm really anxious today. Because anxiety is like a yawn. Yeah. It's so contagious. And the, we,

the used to be the case once upon a time where we were all anxious and we shut the fuck up about it. And we didn't share our mental health check-ins with our social like meetings in the moment. You know, it's one thing to be having like a real conversation with a friend and be like, I'm having a hard. Sure. You know, it's one thing to be having like a real conversation with a friend and be like, I'm having a hard time today,

but like, yeah. How are you? Ooh, I'm really anxious today. Well, so am I now. I don't like that.

I stop it. It's, it's, there's a casualness to it where it sometimes feels like, uh, you're like, well, you always are.

Yeah. And like, and so that's just your base. And like, yeah, you're like, well, you always are. And so that's just your base. And like, yeah, you're like, it's thrown around so much sometimes with some people that you're like, well, that's just, you know, now you're making everyone feel. Bad mental health has been glorified. Casual therapization has been glorified. And I know it's no wet baby carrots, but I'm fucking sick of it. There's been a couple of people that come up after shows

and they go oh my god I'm so anxious and just reflexively I go there's nothing to be anxious about and they go well that doesn't help and I'm like well that's all I can give you that's all I can give you I don't know what's the alternative you're coming off so weird right now

why'd you just tell me you were anxious that's very weird and now I dislike you you just tell me you were? Yeah. That's very weird. And now I dislike you socially. Yeah. Have you ever put for like a photo, you put your arm around someone and they're shaking. Yeah. You can feel it.

Oh, and you're always shaking. Mine are always shaking. Mine are always shaking. My fans. Please let me tell you about my fans. They are just shivering in their boots. Oh my God.

Oh, but it's such a funny thing Because you just want to be like Oh I'm nothing You should tell them that That's what I should do I'm anxious I'm freaking out right now Good ones Let's go on to our next segment

You better count Your blessing You better count your blessing i got a blessing my sister's my sister who is uh my my de facto uh wardrobe specialist she works at selene and she helps me pick out clothes i was at a nike store and they had they had a fanny pack. And I got it. And I went to the airport with this fanny pack. And I was like, this is exactly what I need. This is exactly what I need. I need my boarding pass just right here.

It can't be in the pockets. I just need it all in one place. Sometimes I'm wearing sweatpants to the wallet. I get nervous. And I love this fanny pack. And I think it's going to be part of my travel now. I'm going to be a fanny pack guy. And so I'm thankful for fanny packs

and I know some people will go, oh, fanny pack. That's who I am now. Because I want to stop bringing my backpack places. I bring it everywhere in the city and I'm miserable. And one day I left it at home. I walked around. I felt free. What about a laptop or something?

Sometimes I need a laptop, but really the biggest thing is you need a phone charger because these fucking phones Yeah, and so now I can just put in my fanny pack. What about pockets? It's it you would you want to put a phone charger in your pocket by your baby care too much No, I get those in here. It's dripping. Well, you don't do baggy pants yet Maybe you're too old for over written October really wants me to do baggy pants But then the ass looks so bad and I have such such... What ass? You know, I was worried about the KKK. Oh, you look so hurt. I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry. That sounded like a big non-sequitur. I was worried about the KKK listening to this and coming after that Mormon guy, but it's too gay for the KKK to get even to the part... We need to listen to this. No, I'm not that committed to the cause. They're just going to be mad

by the first five minutes. They're going to turn it off. Even if you name the thing, listen to this, the KKK or whatever. Listen to this KKK. If you got the baggy pants, you'd find that there's a lot more pocket opportunities. But don't you see yourself from behind and then you see

like there's just... I don't look at myself from behind. Why would I look at myself from behind. Sorry. Why would I look at myself from behind? How? Why do I care what my ass looks like? I don't know. How do I answer that question?

Well, there's got to be an answer. Yeah. Why do you care what your face looks like? Because... Why do you brush your teeth at night? I don't know. Well, my face helps me get fucked and my ass does not help me get fucked. Oh, you're not fucking like I'm fucking.

That's all I can say. Russell, do you have a blessing? Yeah, I got two. I'm going to shout out two. Okay, so yesterday. No, we got a live tonight. Don't burn all your blessings. I know.

Oh, yeah, that's a good point. I can just reuse them. Please don't. The other day. For the listeners. It's going to the Patreon. Hey, Patreon listeners, fuck you. Listen to it twice. Thanks for the money. Wait, was It's going to the Patreon Hey Patreon listeners Fuck you

Listen to it twice Thanks for the money Wait was this whole episode For the Patreon No No no Tonight We have a

Tonight is Tonight I would have shared So much more No so Yesterday On the subway I was approached

A woman I think her name was Hannah Or Anna It was a quick Introdu was hannah or anna it was a quick introduction anna or hannah i think it was hannah um she was like are you russell and i was like yeah and she goes i'm listening to the downside right now and you know i was with a friend it was nice to be like he's like does this happen a lot it doesn't happen a lot but it was nice to happen in front of someone if you're gonna recognize people in front of someone. If you're going to recognize people in public, just for anyone

you like, do it when they're with someone else. Father us when we're with our friends. When we're with our friends or family. Or on a date. Please do it on a date. One time my parents were seeing Gutenberg and I was like they were down in the orchestra before the show and I was

saying hi to them. And these two people in front of them stood up and were like, oh, down in the orchestra before the show, and I was like saying hi to them, blah, blah, blah. And these two people in front of them stood up and were like, oh, are you Russell from Titanic? And they said it in a way that was too quiet. And I was like, my parents, I want to be like, my parents are right here. Can you just say a little louder? What did you say?

What did you say? You know, like it was one of those things where you're like, say it louder. I have people with me. But anyways, so shout out to Hannah. Big fan of the podcast. It was so nice meeting you. Thank you for saying hi in front of a friend. Uh, it was a good feeling and I'll save the other one for great.

Do you have a blessing? So many. Um, Jesus Christ. No, I was just trying to sift through things I'm grateful for. I mean, I'm always grateful for my career. It's something more specific. I know, I know. Well, that's why I wasn't going to do it.

Sure, sure, sure. What am I grateful for? You think for a second. I'm going to say these shout-outs real quick because I need to get this done. I try to be better about this, but some previous guests or people I've worked with, they got specials coming out. Mike Racine, very funny.

Uh, Mike Racine has a special coming out, uh, March 21st. He did an episode of the downside and I often send his tweets to Russell because he is, he's got a, he's got a vicious sense of humor.

Yeah. It says, says the thing I, I, it's just so good. Uh, Caitlin Palufo has got a special coming out. An album coming out soon.

Don't know exactly when, but just follow her, previous guest. And then he hasn't been on the show yet, but Lawrence Rosales. We work together in Dallas. He's got a special out on YouTube called Trina. We'll put links to what is available now, but find them all.

Caitlin Palufo, Lawrence Rosales, and Mike Racine. Every day, 10 new specials come out and come to me so I can tell you which ones to watch. I have my blessing. Tell us. You know what I'm

very grateful for this week is a lot of Oscar movies have hit VOD. And one of my guilty, not even guilty, I don't feel guilty about it at all. When I'm taking rest

from the road and I take a night off stand up, what I love to do is smoke weed, get in bed and watch a movie like really loud in my apartment and now I have a lot of good new options. So

I just watched Zone of Interest. Turns out don't get high for that one. I cannot believe you got high for Zone of Interest. Super not a get high and watch it type movie. Really triggered a lot of things negative for me. I forgot that I used to have nightmares about the Holocaust every night. Really? Yeah. When I was like up till like 10,

because my parents just really laid it on thick. What were your nightmares like going to the... I would be in a camp. I didn't even know what it was because I used to think concentration camps meant they made you concentrate. I'm not even kidding. So I would have this recurring nightmare where there was like a fire. Cause I knew there was something going on with fire at the camps, but I had to like stare at the fire until I like died. Oh my. And what ranking in the German army were you in these dreams? Uh,

so, uh, that's, that's, that's a good one. Uh, uh, that would have been a good place to end,

but I do want to say one last time, join the patron patron.com slash downside. One bonus episode a month, one live episode a month. My comedy special, The Rats Are In Me. Tell your friends. This was a great episode. I always love having you on. Thank you for having me.

Thank you. Can I plug my website? Yes, please. Plugs, yes, please. Lukaselnik.com. That's where all my tour dates are. I'm on the road every single weekend forever. I'm coming to your city please. Plugs. Yes, please. Lukazelnik.com. That's where all my tour dates are. I'm on the road every single weekend forever. I'm coming to your city, undoubtedly.

Undoubtedly. Russell, what do you want to plug? When is it coming out? I was just about to find that out. It is coming out March 19th. Okay, you have about another month to catch me in Titanic, the musical at the Daryl Roth Theater. We

in May 3rd, we will be in L.A. for Uncle Function. Uncle Function's got a show. And also the Downside Live. Downside Live at 7 p.m. at the Comedy Store. And I will be at L.A. May 2nd for the Netflix Is a Joke

Festival. Lucas has shows there too. What day? Yeah, I have a big show that definitely needs to sell tickets on may 12th may 12th go check that out and this weekend i will be in columbia missouri at the blue note march 21st blue note blue note yes that's the hawaii club is it it's a it's a chain yeah there's one uh right across the cellar. Oh, yeah. That was a jazz club. Yeah, but they do comedy sometimes. Okay.

Sorry. Okay, do we have to question the venue? Yeah, it's me. And then I'll be at the Mic Drop Comedy Club March 29th and 30th. Oh, my God. Did you see there was some article about they did the autopsy on Matthew Perry? He died in that jacuzzi.

Apparently, not using Dr. Squatch. This is the downside. Oh, my God. Downside. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi.