The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #2 Kenice Mobley

Episode Date: March 23, 2021

This week we’re joined by The Tonight Show’s KENICE MOBLEY (@kenicemobley) to dish on the downsides of strip clubs, dating in New York City, making your late night debut during a global pandemic, and college cafeteria shows. We also breakdown once and for all the difference between a horse girl and a cat lady, which has surprisingly little to do with horse or cat ownership.  Follow KENICE MOBLEY on twitter & instagram Watch KENICE MOBLEY's Tonight Show set Listen to KENICE MOBLEY's podcast 'Love About Town' Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show (and suggest your own 'This Has Gotta Stop') at [e-mail] Join The Downside patreon Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello uh hi rosa how are you doing i'm good how are you how a fucking mess you're listening to the downside with john marco cerezi oh that's the first time i heard it that's the first time you heard it he didn't have headphones last time and i was like why aren't you dancing we have a fucking song. Okay, so I'm... You know what? When I was coming up with podcast ideas, it took me about three years to figure out a podcast about negativity, the downside.

I don't know if I should explain it every couple episodes in the beginning. This is a podcast about cynicism and finding the dark sides to all the silver linings. Because I felt like that's the only way, that's the only mood I'm going to be able to conjure up on a regular basis yeah and one of my podcast ideas before this it was it was called comedy book club and i was going to have guests on and i would read their favorite book in advance oh my god thank god i have friends in my life

we're like jim marco you're gonna read a book're going to read a book? I'm going to read a book. I said, because I wanted to do it because I don't read enough. It's one podcast every six months. I feel like I read the back of the book and we have a full discussion. And now, this podcast, we have articles. For now, I barely get through the articles. You come and you say details that I'm like, wait, when was that in the article?

No, I just read the headline this week. Good, good. It's not like you had a two-hour train ride to get here today, Russell. Thank God I said 2 p.m. I'm okay. This was my album of my Amazon special. Yeah, congratulations. Shelf Life is on Pandora.

It's hard to promote because I really promoted the shit out of that amazon special and it's hard to be like hey guys i that we we you know what i did we took away the video yeah yeah yeah big news yeah big news you can now listen to it with commercials on pandora and one thing i i wanted your advice on i i only realized this recently they were coming up with the press release for for the the album and they compared me, and I've been compared often to, like, an Italian Woody Allen. Constantly. I have reviews from old plays. Who are the people? It's just what they go to. They go to Woody Allen. I think it's because I stutter and I'm Jewish. I think it's really more of just like it's the neuroses. Edit that out.

So, but I don't know. So, the PR person wrote this. Okay. Wait, your PR person described you as that? The PR person involved with the album release. And it was a really thoughtful, it was clear they had listened to it, which felt nice. That's okay. But they said something.

It was like, he's like Woody Allen after a couple of mochachinos. What are mochachinos? Yeah, like a coffee drink. Yeah, okay. So like a caffeinated- A sweet coffee drink, yeah. A sweet coffee drink. And I was like, I liked it.

And I listened to early Woody Allen. And we're not the same comedian. He's much smarter than me. I'm concerned that your PR person was like, this will get people. Like right now in this moment. I said, hey, this is great. But the documentary is coming out now. Yeah.

It's in the middle of the documentary. Did you watch it? I did not watch it. There's one episode out, right? One episode, yeah. Yeah. The worst part, in in the beginning they show a montage of these woody allen movies and i kept thinking like oh fuck i gotta see that one still like it was like a little bit of a trailer of yeah a lot of great great movies yeah um but you know i'm not a big woody allen person i'm not either it seems like you are well i, I get compared a lot, and I think they mean it as a compliment.

He was beloved. But I just don't know whether I need to tell people, hey, don't bring that up. Or like more specific, like Woody Allen with an asterisk, and it's like before the accusations. A young Woody Allen. Yeah. All right. Well, look. You're like, are we recording this? Then I'm not going to share any more thoughts about this um no i don't i don't have that many actually don't have that

marriage is is doing pretty well that's that's the kind of sad part is his relationship how do you know that well because they're still married oh but that doesn't mean it's going well you think it's a miserable marriage no i'm i could be fine i'm just saying we have no we have no idea how their marriage is sure you know hey that'll be that'll be a bombshell soon you is at the end of the documentary being like fuck this guy yeah i finally i watched the documentary and i realized fuck this guy yeah um all right uh so what we got to bring on our guest and i i have a thing that i want to bring around with because she runs a fantastic podcast that i've been on called love about town. Of course, I'm talking about the amazing Kanice Mobley. But I will say this, and then I'm going to bring her on.

It's very exciting. She's been here the whole time. It's a very weird thing. It is. I kept looking to engage. I kept looking at her to be like, hi, isn't this funny? And I was looking, was she laughing? Great.

So I have this problem. And so there's someone from L.A. She's visiting New York. We had relations once a long time ago. Who? Oh, I don't know. So she was the one that we went to. We went to one of our friends' place.

And Douglas, our good friend, ended up talking to her the whole night. And I kind of let Douglas do the whole date whole like date part oh and then so bottom line is we were friends we hooked up once and she's back in town and she said do you want to hang out it'd be great to get drinks with this person but unfortunately i have the pesky girlfriend and so i'm not i'm not i'm not going to meet up with her to hook up but i don't want to be so presumptuous to assume because we hooked up once that means her hanging out yeah i don't want to be like hey i'm worried i'm going to text hey i'd love to hang out just so you know nothing below the waist so with that i want to bring on maybe to help me out with this and then we're going to interview her she is is so funny. She is fantastic.

We've done some crazy gigs together. And she just had a very, it's a rare, it was the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon in the middle of a pandemic. I think there's like three comedians who have done a total. Please welcome, hello, Kanice Mobley. Hi. Hi. Thank you for sitting through that. You're so great.

How are you? I'm doing all right. It's raining. I hate it when it rains. So it's just me in my apartment. Good. That's a good. We encourage you, please complain and be negative.

But first, help me out. What do I do to hang out with this person? Do not seem presumptuous. Yeah, don't seem presumptuous. Although, after you guys slept together did you maintain a friendship relationship have you guys hung out without sex since you had sex no we maintained a uh hey i'm in la you're in la and then we never hung out so not not we definitely have not hung out without sex okay well then you need to casually drop into the conversation that you

have a girlfriend i'll be like your text just be like hey uh yeah i'd love to uh i'm gonna have to be coming from this part of town because this is where my girlfriend is something chill that's good don't do the thing which happens to me it's very frustrating when this happens where i am just generally talking to a man and he's like oh just so you know i have a girl yes no that's the worst i am truly not trying to fuck you by asking you directions i'm not i promise uh i mean you're you're great and i think you deserve whatever life gives you but i am not trying to fuck you right now you know oh i think that would be funny like a waitress takes my order i'm like hey hey whoa just so you know before i give you this order oh my god i have a girlfriend i had a friend i had a friend once uh we were at a bar we were

very young we were like 21 22 and it was like there was beer this molson beer i think for a while they had like sayings on their um their beer that were like you're looking good or like like cutie patootie like things like that and he was drunk and he was like man this waitress she just keeps bringing me special like he thought she was trying to send him messages with the beer and i was like i can assure you she is not but he was like he was like so convinced that she was like communicating with him with the beer labels and i was like oh my friend no she is not that woman is just grabbing it and like throwing it on a table like she's not like cutie patootie yeah i just want to be friends get the fuck away from me cutie patootie yeah yeah um all right i want to see him at a strip club

how much he's like no you guys don't understand she likes it's different with me it's different there is that effect there's there's this effect i i i went uh around europe when i was like 21 and i went to a strip club i'm not a strip club guy it's too expensive way too expensive for me to like adult but there is the thought that you have you know the cliche that that the guy thinks a stripper likes them but i go to that second level of delusion where i'm like she and i both know this is a game we both understand you know she's flirting i'm doing the thing underneath that word we get it we kind of have a little thing it's like you can go deeper and deeper and deeper yeah have you been have you been to a strip club i have i've been to several strip clubs and uh was it was it fun yeah it was uh i similarly i am i would not call myself a cheap person but i do uh to me there are certain value associated with some experiences

the amount that you're expected to pay at a strip club doesn't for me match the experience that you're getting out no at all but it's not like if it was like a oh i'm gonna spend uh 45 to 80 dollars on this then i'd be like, yes, it's exactly that much. It's a fun night. It's a story, whatever. But I spent like $200. And I was like, no. And the ATM.

The ATM. I went to one. The ATM fee was $10. Yes. $10. I had a really traumatic first time at a strip club when I was 18. It was like my friends and I all turned 18 and we're like, we're going to go to a strip club. And we went down from upstate New York and we went down to like Binghamton, which is like the bigger area from where I live.

And it was on a Monday night in the summer. And we were driving around and we couldn't find the strip club it was like before you know it's like monday night at caroline's comedy club you know you're gonna see some of the best in the city we couldn't find the strip club so we stopped at like a really seedy gas station and we like went in we're like this this this clerk will know where this the strip club is and we asked him and he's like he was this old guy and he's like he's like he's like oh strip clubs are closed on mondays he's like boys there's only one strip club open uh on monday night it's called pleasure palace and you don't want to go there and we're like oh we're like oh no like come on we're gonna go to the strip club so we like we go we go we go we go

we're still can't really find it we see we find the other ones they are definitely close we see this guy standing outside we ask him does he know where pleasure palace is and he was like he's like yeah it's right down there on the right he goes but boys you don't want to go there he was like he was like and we were like no no no we're gonna go so we get to pleasure palace it's one of those places that has a porn store in the front and then you go through the back and so we're in the porn store they we pay the cover whatever it is we go through the doors and it is definitely was a movie theater at one point but like a tiny movie theater that could fit like 20 people in it like a porn movie yes yes exactly definitely i i can't believe in my years of of i, I hadn't put that together, but yes. So, um, there's no one, there's no one on stage. There's no lights, um, like coming down. It's like bright light. And they like, oh, like, like, it's like, like a light came on and the bartender and then the strippers that were like sitting around the bar were like, oh shit. And like, everyone was like, gotta get gotta get up and like and so the lights hadn't

been going there had been no thing it was just like this kind of light on in that room and uh so they're like you can sit there and there's like a bench like like old church pew bench kind of and and not even seats and we sat down and um they came out and you know it's what we you know what we were being advertised it was not great and um and one was and, you know, it's what we, you know, what we were being advertised. It was not great. And and one was pregnant, whatever, you know, like, that's fine. I want to be supportive. Anyone can do whatever they want to do.

How many months? I mean, enough that it was. You really got to tip that stripper. You're like, fuck, I got to tip for two. I want to say over four under seven months, somewhere in there. And so so that's all fine i mean it's not great but it's fine and i love a bunch of progressives being like it's great no all the strippers are eight months pregnant everyone great it's great i support this listen no it's all great it's all

fine i'm supporting everything that was happening that the issue is belly woman who was doing the first dance. She comes, she's doing her dance. And I remember it was a Beyonce song and she comes out into the crowd and there's only, we're the only crowd. And, uh,

she's like, wants to do lap dance. And so my first friend, he's there and she's like, he's like, he's like, I'm sorry, I'm not going to do that.

I have a girlfriend. She's like, I really respect that. It goes to the second friend. He's like, he's like, yeah, sorry. I actually have a girlfriend too. And she's like, I'm sorry, I'm not going to do the live dance. I have a girlfriend. She's like, I really respect that. Goes to the second friend. He's like, yeah, sorry, I actually have a girlfriend, too. And she's like, you're a good guy. Then she gets to me. And I did have a girlfriend at the time.

And I said, I have a girlfriend, too. She goes, fuck you! She goes, fuck you, fat ass! And I was like, oh! And then she goes, you see that sign? And she points to a sign that says, we want money, money, money, money, money. And I was like oh and then she goes she goes you see that sign and she points to a sign that says we want money money money money money and i was like yes she goes you want what does that sign mean to you fat boy and she just screaming at me screaming at me and i done the same exact

excuse my friends had done and then uh she i she goes back and she starts screaming to the other strippers that were cheap assholes and don't dance for the fat boy and she's screaming and and we were like oh what do we do what we do we paid the cover we paid you know it was awful it was awful and um that's so do you think she just didn't buy it she bought it she did not believe that i was a fat kid had a girlfriend no she did not believe me but it was just so funny how she was like she's like that you're a really good had a girlfriend she did not believe me but it was just so funny how she was like she's like that you're a really good guy to the other two just like i really respect that um now uh uh kanice you you're you have a podcast you're on a pod you have a podcast on the network

i think this podcast is going to be on would you is it it's a sex positive is it a sexually i went on and it was it was very much like i felt like you and and your co-host name is rohan rohan what's his last name paddy rohan paddy like it felt like you you were the you like dating you like meeting people and he was he was i'm not so sure he was he was he's kind of sex negative he's like more prudish than me yeah and i agree with him i think he's right i'm very sex negative is it's like more prudish than me. Yeah. And I agree with him. I think he's right. I'm very sex negative. Is it strange? Do you ever go on that podcast and you're like, I don't want to talk about sex today?

So, I mean, sometimes. And when we do, we really focus on the relationship, like etiquette, feelings, empathy side of it. But sometimes it's like, no, it's going to be all sex. Is it challenging? Because now I'm dating someone. It's like, no, it's going to be all sex. Is it challenging? Because now I'm dating someone, and normally before this, at least podcast stand-up, I talk about my family kind of at will.

I feel like the punishment for the way they raised me was I'm going to shoot my mouth off. But now I'm seeing someone, and unfortunately, I care about her feelings. And I find myself with new challenges of like, I don't know if I can share this. I don't know if I can share that. Do you ever have that struggle? Given that I never have a boyfriend, no, I don't. I date people. But by the time, there's like a three-week delay from when we record normally to when the podcast comes out. So, yeah, by that that time they're often gone

i can say whatever the fuck i want have you ever had a person listen to the pod and say hey what the fuck was that no no not not once i've had people listen to the pod and they'll hear what i said about some dude three weeks ago and be like that's funny and i'm like i think so too do they ever like find out like oh okay so kanista does not like that oh kanice is a big fan of this okay if if they had if they had been doing their research it is not evident in their actions is how i'll put that oh i see so so so you're you're you date a lot have you been dating this this yeah i was gonna i was gonna ask you was this i've been dating as much as i was before. Really? Even like at the start of the pandemic, did you spend a month off? No, so not at the start of the pandemic.

I'm not a monster. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. No.

March 28th. I was out there on the, no, I was. Oh God. I thought that was real. I was like, can he say stuff pretty fast? She's like, they said two weeks. No, no, no, no, no, no. I think I started like going on outdoor and all my dates have been outdoor until we like get comfortable with each other or whatever.

But I think I started going on outdoor walk dates in, I want to say May. But since May, I have been dating. Yeah, there was that beginning. I saw friends. We'd be outside six feet apart. And looking back on that era and thinking the way we behave now, just I'm sharing hummus. I mean, we're sitting in a room together. That's true. So do you enjoy dating or what are the downsides of dating in New York City? That is a huge question.

Downsides of dating in New York City. Okay, so both the best people in the world live here and the worst people in the world live here. So, like, whatever your idea of best person is, a version of that exists in New York. And you never, like, you can always be like, sorry, I'm waiting for this best thing. So you can always be, like, looking around trying to level up because that level exists here. So that, I would say, is a downside. always be like looking around trying to level up because that level exists here uh so that i would say is a downside so sometimes when you're dating people you're like oh you are trying to level up i see i see that what is happening here and you're never going to be like a committed person because for you there exists a perfect person and like you just want to try to slowly get there by

fucking your way up the ladder maybe i'm not really sure but yeah i've never tried that fucking my way up the ladder now which dating should fuck their way up the ladder that would represent that equality has taken place that women are at the top of the ladder and that you've got to fuck your way up it so honestly that's the future i want which dating apps are you on so i am on ok cupid and i'm on hinge that's so interesting. I thought OkCupid had died a slow death. Everyone thinks that, yes. So I am on OkCupid because it allows you to search very specifically. And you can filter out people in a way that's much easier than filtering out people on Tinder or on...

What do you filter out? So I filter out all conservatives. All conservatives? I don't want you to even see me as an option yeah you're like have you ever fucked a conservative i have a friend she's she's very very strident with her liberal beliefs and she started fucking a trump supporter and i am so pissed at her who and uh it's uh my friend oh yeah yeah but it's she I'm like stunned I'm just the way she like she said I found out he was a conservative I'm like oh

that's so shitty and then I talked to her again she's like I fucked him the dick is so good I was like are you out of your mind I'm sorry they don't deserve that's crazy they don't deserve it they vote against your interest they don't deserve to come don't fuck them that's that's it have you ever

have you ever fucked someone found out later like oh you're a you see the trump hat like while you're on top you're like finally got enough height to see the hat oh no i can see the hat um no i will say my high school boyfriend was a republican but that was during the bush years also not great but he was all like fiscal blah blah blah blah and i was like sure whatever and then since then no no republicans of any kind okay so no conservatives what else is on the no uh also no like when i'm searching i like people who the one thing i like about okay cupid is that they give you like match percentages so you answer a bunch of questions and you can say this person is a 90 match this person is a 60 match whatever i don't talk to anyone who's below a 75 match with me unless

like if they're like the thing that i think about when i masturbate and they like that and that person and they're like oh i'm here then okay but like then you let it dip to what how low do you let it dip do you have a number where you're like all right to like 60 but like 50 the reason why it's 50 is because they like all right to like 60 but like 50 the reason why it's 50 is because they like answered no i don't think women deserve the right to vote like that's why it's 50 do you know what i'm saying so like no you've got to keep get high match percentages that should be there should be some questions that are a full get them out like there's there's a couple like i get like you do you have differences like you know you like woody allen or

you don't like woody allen movies but then there's like uh you don't think women should vote it's like well that's a different yeah that should be a parlor dating app yeah so no bumble no bumble bumble was a little too white for me like when i looked it was like it was very not like if it if it happened to be a lot of white people you know you guys are allowed and i accept that you're there thank you i appreciate that yeah you're welcome you're welcome but like a certain type of white where it's like oh you all went to the same college oh you all were at the same wedding oh yeah all like that's weird live this life and then like conversely looking so rohan lets me swipe for him or he's now dating someone but he used to let me swipe for him and i would look at

his bumble and it was all these women who were like all look kind of the same all have the same beach wave like mid chest length hair who wear like that same kind of hat because it's like oh it's fall vibes or whatever like that sort of person and i want them to be able to find each other i do but i'm not either of those people so no thank you yeah um i i when i was on the dating apps something that I thought was interesting was getting on. I was, I was only on, on Tinder, met his wife on Tinder.

Yeah. And, uh, but, uh, they're getting divorced. No. Um,

so we, so I would, I one time was using it and then I went home, I went like upstate for the weekend and like went on there. And it was like, when I, it was like noticing like oh it's so different depending on where you are like it was just an interesting little experiment what was different about it the quality i mean like in new york in new york it was like you know people i would never end up meeting or talking to her blah blah but it was just like and you you could just keep scrolling

and scrolling it was endless you know and in upstate it was like here's seven seven women seven women you went to middle school with you know what i mean like and like and like they're on their second divorce like they'd already been like so it was just like and and it was funny because when i got back to new york i like went on and i was like looking and i was like oh what's going on tonight and then i was like i realized my setting was still upstate and i was like oh god and then i was like oh i tried that once i was starting to tour more and i was in myrtle beach south carolina it was the first time i ever like swiped and it went like we've run out and i had to extend my radius to north carolina too and it's it was uh now are you are you on Raya? You can. I mean, now that you've been on The Tonight Show, I imagine Raya invites are pouring in your inbox.

Please get on Raya. Dave Pete Davidson. Rude. I don't want to. I don't want to fuck an influencer or a DJ right now. That's just like not where my head's at. Also, they have a history of being like pretty racist and like, OK, ageist as well. So like I am not 22 years old.

I'm not a white woman with long blonde hair who just loves Coachella. So I just don't think that's the place for me. We had a friend who saw Debra Messing on Raya. Debra Messing? Yeah. Yeah. I love her. Yeah, she's quite old.

She's Ron Raya, according to our friend yeah pete that that sounds like that's one where she date pete davidson that's the one where you'd be like are you serious deborah messing and pete davidson and she was like i fucking love him people where you're like what he dated kate beckinsale yeah he must be the greatest conversationalist in the entire world he's gonna have a 10 inch dick What are you talking about? His dick must be... But he has friends, though, too. You know what I mean? Like, John Mulaney likes him.

I don't know. I think even if you're straight, you see a guy with a big dick, you're like, that's the alpha male. I think you'll gravitate towards it. That's what happened. He had a meeting with Jeb Apatow. He pulled his pants down.

Jeb was like, I will make King of the Second Half And that's how it happened You truly are the king So you just did the Tonight Show I imagine as a stand-up comedian This is a big dream To be on the Tonight Show But the circumstances are very challenging

I mean you recorded it At New York Comedy Club On a roof It was 25 degrees outside Oh my god And I imagine I mean, you recorded it at New York Comedy Club on a roof. It was 25 degrees outside. Oh, my God. And I imagine you didn't have the kind of regular stage time leading up to it that you would have wanted, ideally. Like, when you first got it or found out, was there a part of you being like, oh, were you nervous?

I was nervous. It was just an issue where, because they just say, okay, we would like you to be on the tonight show you have got to film it edit it produce it all that stuff and then send us a file man oh okay cool cool cool and they're like yeah we want that in a couple weeks so it's like okay okay so i've got like i thankfully i know some production people and it was like okay so we've got to pull production together and i'd like organize with different locations like okay so we're gonna do here here here here um so it was like, okay, so we've got to pull production together. And I had to like organize with different locations. Like, okay, so we're going to do here, here, here, here. So it was, I don't think I had as much time to be nervous about the comedy because I was thinking about the logistics of making it happen. Did you, did they give you enough to produce it?

Did you, did you operate at a loss for this? I did not operate at a loss. So I feel lucky that it was. That's fantastic. But I am right on the line. I feel like I made money from that, yeah. And New York Comedy Club helped out. They helped set the thing up.

Yeah, well, actually, so a friend of mine has a show at New York Comedy Club on Saturday afternoons. And so I was like, I reached out to him directly. And then through my management, they're like, oh, we're also talking to the owners of the club. So it was like from both ends. How long of a set did you do on the actual show? So I did three shows. I did each of the sets ended up being like seven minutes where I did the stuff that was allowed on TV. And then I did the jokes that I like more, which are more my speed, like raunchy, silly, dirty jokes.

So you did all three in one day? Yes. Okay. And you had to. Okay, good, good, good. I just remember Caitlin Palufo, when she was getting ready for her Colbert, she had like an outfit that really fit the material she was doing.

They wanted her to wear like a certain kind of jacket because it was like, you know, so she could make the jokes about, yeah. And she was recording audition tapes in the summer and we did this one show the ac was broken it was so hot and she had to put on this jacket just to look right and she's sweating but she had to and it's just it's just it's very hard it's it's like all these late night sets preparing for them they have to be so exact so precise you just it's hard to keep the magic of

a live stand-up show while you're doing so that's the final did you use a mix of the three shows or was it mostly just one it was mostly just one it was mostly the first show a bunch of my friends came to that show it was outside i bought them all like little heating pads because i was like it's so cold i had to like sit there and like hold like towels under my eyes to get all the water out and then go do the set. And then my hands lost feeling. And then I had to like wipe tears away because my eyes water when it gets cold. Oh no. Oh no. My mom does that when the wind blows, she starts crying. I'm like, mom, are you okay? She's like, no, it's just windy. Yeah. So it was a lot of that. Um, but

it was overall, I'd say stressful, but it was fun. I'm happy I did it. I'm happy that it turned out okay. Great. And I do want to use that because we did a gig together. And I would say it's one of the worst five gigs I've ever done. It's not the bottom. And I think it's not the bottom because I had a fellow comedian there. That helps. The bombs are fun if you're with other comedians.

But when you are alone there's a true feeling so thank god you uh i i asked you and i i'm glad i did it now because you know now i'll need to open for you someday but you we did a college gig and you were kind enough you you opened for me you drove there and it was i've told you about this we did a gig it was uh i forget what college it was but it was at a cafeteria and it was, I forget what college it was, but it was at a cafeteria. And it was a true blue. Some college shows are mediocre and they're not all the worst thing in the world. But this was a textbook.

It was 6 p.m. dinnertime at a cafeteria where no one knew a show was happening. No one had any idea. People who were running it barely knew that there was happening. No one had any idea. The people who were running it barely knew that there was a show happening based on their preparation. I think we talked about it the last episode.

It was so bad. And I was so glad to have you there because you had to open it. I mean, truly, it's like if you could walk into any restaurant in the world and just start a show, and it would be better than what this was. And we had one of those dinky little speakers that frankly is worse

you might as well just talk they're so yeah oh yeah so shitty yeah and uh how did you feel when you started that like were you just like fuck it let's let's do it i was like there is lips like stakes exist when it could go well but there is no way that it could go well so there are no yes yeah great point like you've already paid me what am i i'm gonna walk around and talk to 20 year and it could go well. But there is no way that it could go well. So there are no stitches. Yes, yeah. Great point. I was like, you've already paid me. What am I going to do? I'm going to walk around and talk to 20-year-olds?

At most, I'm going to ask, like, who masturbates? Because they're awkward. And they'll be like, oh, what? How long did you do? And how long did you do? I think I did, like, 10 minutes. No, but something happened in the middle of your set. Do you remember?

Yes. Someone came from, like, another part of the building to be like, you guys got to turn it down. So in the middle of this like fucking nightmare situation, they come down. We have to pause the show. It's too loud. To turn down the mic. Because there are people doing work somewhere nearby and they can't have it. They can't have us talking.

Oh, God. And this was the same show where we talked to someone and they said, oh, yeah, we're in a stand up comedy club. And I was like, did you know about this show and they were like no we had no idea i was like fuck motherfucker this is wait did you have a like like you obviously someone brought you there no we didn't just show up someone better pay like was that was there like a host was there someone standing there being like uh, to see if you did a good job at all? Or you just like showed up to the cafeteria? There was the head of like student affairs,

which I mean, this is going to be a cruel description, but a lot of heads of student affairs at colleges, in my experience, seem to be like people who were not popular in college and who have decided to work there for another 10 years to see if they can figure it out. And there's, I'm sure there's some very nice ones, but there's a lot of ones where like this was one of those where they were very awkward. Yeah. Definitely.

She was a horse girl. She was a horse girl. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. It's like, it's also the people that like are rds in college yes and they're like yeah same thing where you're like oh you stay you win here and then you're like i'm gonna run this dorm what do you mean a horse girl horse girl horse girls girls who are into horses girls who have like ponytails that are too long because they never cut their hair and like it's always

kind of frizzy and they wear like dumpy sweater not like this sweater this was a nice sweater but like they were dumpy sweaters maybe they were weirdly religious in a way i don't know about this trope but like do you she didn't mention a horse did she no no no it's not it's not about the horses it's about it's about it she doesn't actually have to have a horse to be a horse girl yeah it's just the energy she's putting out is horse girl everything about her like i don't remember exactly what she was wearing but i assume it was khaki's a white shirt and like a beige sweat yes it's something just like or it's like a wash over someone and you're like i don't okay yeah my i guess what my sister has a horse and i know she's but she's not

a horse girl you can have a horse and not be a horse girl. It's something about the hair a lot of times. I get it though. I get why it's horse though. She loves kittens probably. She's like a weird relationship with animals where you're like, oh, these people let you around. These animals don't challenge you. Is this related to,

is it called a cat woman? What are women who own cats like a cat lady? A cat lady? A horse girl and a cat lady. What are the who own cats like a cat lady? A cat lady? Horse girl and a cat lady. What are the difference? Well, I think cat lady is, I think that that's an outdated thing. That's offensive.

You said it's offensive, but horse girl is not. No, I'm saying. Someday horse girl is going to be a slur in 10 years from now. I'm saying it's a weird, there's a weird, okay, I think I've said this before to you.

Maybe this is just me being crazy. There's a weird there's a weird okay I've said I think I've said this before to you maybe this is just me being crazy there's a weird thing where we're like dogs are cool and cats are fucking bitches and you're like there's a weird misogyny I think in hating cats so much and being like and and cat lady is connected to that in a way because there's men weird men have weird cats and weird men have weird dogs and like you know i don't know as opposed to horse girl which is totally free from misogyny despite the word girl let me also add to this so a cat lady is automatically in your head she is unkempt she is single there's something deficient there's something wrong with her she is undesirable and society has left her behind yes it associates cats with that but now like everyone owns cats like i'm allergic to cats so many of my friends have cats i'm like i'm never coming to your place

we're just never going to see each other again i'm sorry you're dead to me but like cat lady it's yeah it's like a sad uh as opposed to horse girl where i'm like i can't wait to horse the horse girl i will only say the horse girl last night some some horse girls are married the religious camps be staffed by somebody okay yes and also i would say horse girl is a like almost it's a little bit newer like it's so it's like a little bit girls from the 90s yeah ladies from like the 50s yes i agree yeah i still think it's problematic i'm gonna stand up for them all right well look this is this has been uh very helpful we're gonna move on to this new segment i uh it's called i've got some bad news uh let me find that i hope i right button nope that's not it i've got some bad

bad news all right this is i've got some bad news where we. Alright, this is I've Got Some Bad News where we take positive seeming headlines and we find the downside. Kenice, did you get a chance to see what I sent? Is it the thing about the ashes? That was one of them, yes. I saw the thing about the ashes. We'll start with that one. I got the title right here.

This was an article I saw on New York Post where I get all my information. It's really good for... Big New York Post guy. New York Post where I get all my information. It's really good for... Big New York Post guy. New York Post is good for comedians because it's just the titles. It's like a USA Today. The titles just really say

everything you need to riff on. It's crappy, but they give you all the goss. Yeah. And this title was Man's Kids Fulfill His Dying Wish by Pouring Ashes Down the Bar Drain. So this was a family.

They had accents. So I'm going to assume Irish. That's offensive. But I think they were Irish. Okay. And their father died. And I guess his wish was to be mixed with a lager. And they have a video of it.

And they mix the ashes with the lager like really close to everyone else's open beers very close and then they mix it and they pour it down the drain and it made me sad because it made me think about death and i just don't know if that's what i would want to do with my ashes i don't know if i'd want to like see my dad go into a beer and then drink beer later i'd always think i'd always see a piece of dust i'd be you'd always think about your dad every night well what what would you want to do with your ashes kanice do you have do you have burial thoughts i have burial thoughts it's very it's like a whole it's a whole thing i will get to that one moment i feel like his dream in addition to like being poured down the drain

is also to ruin a plumber's day that's just like a thick liquid you're just pouring it down the drain how is that i'm sorry that's where food i'm sorry i have a lot of rules you're going right to the poop i mean like you know we understand when we decompose eventually we're going to be part of poop but do we need to go like right there yeah straight to the poop no yeah no thank you no thank you um my burial plans are very specific i would like and so like if i die during the pandemic everyone's got to just like put my body on ice i've saved up enough money to pay for this whole thing to happen really like it's fine that's a night show you gotta you got enough from the tonight show to get a big slab of ice you got one ice cube so you're gonna have to frozen freeze my body until we're able to do this so uh large church i want it to be a catholic church i am not catholic but just something

about like the grand ornate catholic church there is a dance number that is involved it's like people have black umbrellas as they do the procession outside it should be raining on that day so there's like an umbrella dance My body is loaded into a hearse. It drives down the street. I know that I don't have fans yet, but I would like for, if we have to pay extras to line the street for my body to go past, we've got to go to a river. Okay. My body's got to be loaded into a boat. I want like Viking style archers to shoot like flaming arrows at my body.

And I want it to like explode into fire i would like for the explosion to be juiced okay you need to have dynamite under my body so that it explodes like really really big and fun sounds like there's going to be some extra funerals after your funeral from this is like a gender reveal party for your death but come on like put it like in a like further into the river a little bit further around so like nobody gets hurt in the explosion yeah yeah it's gonna be lovely there's gonna be music i've already chosen the music there's a soundtrack you really you really you chose the soundtrack of course i know what music i want what song starts off uh okay uh what a world by rufus wayne wright that's after so the the dance in the thing is to my chemical romance is helena it's

not it's very stupid i like that i'm a big fan of that it's like recreating that music video right oh man like as they walk out there's bittersweet symphony by the yeah oh what a world uh by rufus wainwright and then there's one that's like really haunting and sad by mitski um i think dreaming costs money my dear or something and that is what i want as the flames die down the rain hits it they're all standing on the side just watching my body fall into the river that's what i want thank god this what if that was this guy's first wish was that entire thing and then second second if you can't afford that just pour it in a fucking beer pour it down the fucking drain you can't find the funds um what do you want to do i think uh i

definitely want to be cremated i think um and i like the idea of there's a tradition on uh in new orleans in mardi gras uh for people to march down to the the river and to throw in their their loved ones ashes on a specific day uh better die in new orleans because that's a lot of money well no you could burn me wherever and then bring it there yeah i guess that's just a carry-on um but i don't know i haven't decided uh and i but i think uh i guess this is the this could be the record of of what it is if i die so uh i do want to be burned um and then put my ashes somewhere i don't keep them in the house don't that's a very strange thing people do and everyone's like oh that's you know and you're my parents have dead dogs in in like i have my childhood dog it's still in a box and you're like got around

her leash or like her you know her um collar is like on the box and every once in a while like a nephew will like grab the box and everyone's like no no put down the box and it's i just don't know why why do we still have it just it's and it's not like in an urn it's in a box it's in the box the the the vet gave it to you in yeah no it's in like a nice urn it's in a box it's in the box the the the vet gave it to you in yeah no it's in like a nice little box nice box nice box but it's just one of those things where you're like i don't know what we're doing like you know and then you try to explain to kids and you're like they weren't even born when this dog existed so well so i i watched the video of them doing this ashes and and while they mix it into the beer one of the kids unsurprisingly says drink it and that's listen this is a little fucked up but i if i had my

druthers i don't think people would be into this but i if you're gonna if i have ashes drink me put up just a little bit in everyone's beer hopefully i have enough friends so it doesn't affect the taste but like if we're if we're gonna really like poetic, I'm like, I want to be in you. But isn't that, couldn't you get sick from that? I don't think so. These are just a little, a little sprinkle. It's like if something's a little charred on your steak, you don't get sick from it. If that was your wish, I would drink some of you.

Couldn't you like be baked into a cake or something? Oh, that's a good idea. A grit? But I would do whatever. I would eat some of you. Couldn't you like be baked into a cake or something? Oh, that's a good idea. Like grit? But I would do whatever. I would eat some of you. I like that. Maybe bake into a cake and then like you go to the funeral, you eat the cake and like people are like, eat the cake.

It's really, eat the cake. No, you can't. You can't trick people into eating you. You have to tell people they're eating you. Oh, what are you going to do? I'm fucking dead. I'll trick whoever the fuck. What are you going to do?

Cancel me? I'm dead no you're gonna that would you would it would it would not be you have to tell people but i think i think you'd be surprised how many people if it was your wish would eat you i think there would be a certain degree of peer pressure if you're like that you're like you're not gonna eat him at his own funeral it's his funeral eat him yeah um all right great that's very all right so we're moving on to our our next headline um uh this is less of a headline this is more we had this thing you saw this oreo the cookie yes oreo the cookie tweeted trans people exist finally finally oreo ways we've been waiting to enter the chat thank you yes now i think the

worst example of a company like it was spaghettio i don't know if you remember this spaghettio on pearl harbor day did a picture of the spaghettio mascot it was an o holding an american flag going like remember so so oreo well i think what's what i find unique about this because like you know this is going to piss off uh uh transphobic conservative people but at the same time it's also not really saying anything so i'm is it this was clearly a response to the marjorie taylor green thing is that is that why i guess so that seems to be in the news? Marjorie Taylor green is going out of her way. Yeah.

Going truly. It's yes, but it is. So it's just fascinating to imagine the meeting of like, of like someone, a younger, someone being like, we should,

we should connect the dots for people to Oreo and Marjorie Taylor green being transphobic. It's just very funny. That journey of that. I'm of two minds where there's one where I'm like, okay, people like Oreos. People who are like trans people don't even exist. I'm like, you should have to

deal with the fact that if you like Oreos you have to deal with reality. Trans people exist. But who's seeing this? And this is the awakening. It just feels like this is a way for oreo to be in the news who is who tweeted this oreo's not a person who who is saying this yeah the unpaid intern the ceo they shouldn't these companies should only be tweeting sales because it just doesn't make sense yeah i i am so tired of having to like

in the grocery store corporations like wait who who likes gay who hates gay somebody hates gays i can't buy from that like yeah goya shut the fuck up shut up like i just want them to like everyone is entitled to their own political speech that's america freedom blah blah blah but like as a company that's the first amendment exactly freedom blah blah blah second amendment own whatever guns you fucking want whatever no i mean there should be limits on that whoa hey look i'm trying to get a wide fan base here we're already cutting off by saying trans people exist um and then and then and this shit is where, so Nilla Wafer, someone made it, someone was like, oh, Nilla Wafer not waving it.

And Nilla Wafer said, trans people not only exist, but are valued and loved by Nilla Wafers. That must be comforting to a trans youth to know that their parents may not love them, but Nilla Wafers is there for them. So they should go give the corporation money immediately. Yes. Did you see Patty Harrison? She changed her, I think it was Patty Harrison.

She changed her handle to Chips Ahoy by Nabisco and was like, actually trans people don't exist. That is hilarious. And then- It just sounded like a bunch of crazy stuff. And then they suspended her i bet you i bet you chips ahoy is their sales go through the roof from like conservative

i feel like conservatives will and again this is general conservatives are more likely to buy a product that they think supports their views like liberals they love it yeah but i imagine there's plenty of liberals being like we're getting oreos i mean i love oreo like i was straight up i'll eat a sleeve of oreos right now if you tell me that i get to be a good person for it please what what do you oreos or nila wafers oh oreos for sure and is this because they made a softer statement on trans people or you like the taste no no the taste nila wafers are, you know, if they're there, if they're available, I'll eat them. They're good for a banana pudding, but not much else. Like, that's...

Well, thank you. Is there... This is... I guess I don't have an answer for this, but is there a brand or a thing that you won't eat or buy based on like... Thank God I never liked... I never was into Chick-fil-A, but that seemed to be a real struggle for a lot of people. It's not as available here.

I'm from the south, and there were Chick-fil-A's all over the place, and my mom loves Chick-fil-A. They have one of the best kids' meals in the business, where you can get six nuggets, a side thing of fries, and a drink, but you can turn in the fries to get a salad, and you can turn in the

toy to get an ice cream. You can turn in the fries to get a salad and you can turn in the toy to get an ice cream all that you could turn in the toy to get more food soft serve ice cream and uh yeah that was like a harder one yeah did you stop did you feel like i'm gonna stop this i totally stopped uh and now that i like the popeyes chicken sandwich more it's much easier yeah um but yeah it was it was it was hard i i love there are some goya products that like no one else makes them in as many stores and so like i've just been like well i guess i can't get my maria cookies anymore so kanice you're really you are really following when when the liberals say don't do this you are you're on board i'm like well, don't do this. You are, you're on board. I'm like, well, I don't want them to have my money. Fuck them.

But all these corporations are bad. They're all bad. Yeah, I mean, I use Dove soap and Unilever was founded on like oppressing the people of the Congo. I know that. But it's the only soap that works for my skin. I hear. I think the problem when I see these things, I get so sad. There's so many conservative comedians who love.

There was one guy. There was that Christian guy, super Christian comedian who got in trouble for offering free tickets if women would cheat on their husbands with them. And so he went away for three months. And then he came back and he full on rebranded himself. It's amazing when you really see it. They always said like that louis ck went like alt-right and it wasn't quite true but this guy like went like he so his video and it went viral on conservative twitter where he went to the grocery store and this was with the

like aunt jemima like the or the the butter they got rid of the native american woman like and he was like oh uh uh mrs uh what's What's a product with a gender in it? But he'd just go around like, oh, you're canceled. He went around the grocery store with a camera. Oh, oh, Mrs., you're canceled. And I just, I hate that comedy. I hate, I would love, you're going to the grocery store with your family. You're just trying to get dinner.

And there's some guy being like, oh, one second before you cross the aisle. You're canceled. And conservatives get so excited there really seems there i mean liberals do the claptor but conservatives really have the thing where like if they agree with something it's funny and it's like well it's not funny you just agree with it like it's ted cruz that's at is it cpac is that what it's called c-pack yeah i think yeah i'm just like none of this is funny wait was that recent yeah he was at c-pack he got a lot of trouble because he was like he was like i love orlando it's no cancun oh and people were like people are dying yeah right now yeah i hate it all i i keep trying to be measured because i know liberals and And now that Biden, we see Biden's doing fucking everything under different names.

Yeah. But it's hard. You see some of this CPAC stuff and you're like, but they're really bad. They fucking suck. And I'm happy that at least they're not the president, even though they are scheming to take away all of our voting rights. Yeah, I do. I just genuinely hope something bad happens to them. And I was raised a Christianian like a good southern christian

woman and it hurts me to feel this way about someone but i'm like can't there be a disease that spreads through racist products or something we're literally living through that exact disease that you're talking about sounds like you prayed for this pandemic being honest no i just mean like take those trump teddy bears that they sell and then like, oh, we find out that they're packed with like sickness. And then they send them out and then they'll get sick. Is that what you say? What are you about to ask me? Is that what is that evil?

Is that that evil? I think that's the difference. You're like, is that is that evil? Is that genocide? You're saying we can't do that. OK, I'm going. Is what you're saying. Okay. I just want to clarify what you said.

Sure. No, no. That's great. We're just going to pull that clip to advertise this episode. So, this last, we're going to skip this last headline. It's just Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen are making a podcast. And, Kenice, you've had, how long have you been doing your podcast? I have been doing some version of my podcast for eight years. Fuck, so I'm not going to be on The Tonight Show for eight fucking years?

You think my podcast had anything to do with that? Was it cool, though? Because part of the thing, Jimmy Fallon held up a picture of your podcast and said, have you released an episode since like was there a numbers bump like as it was coming out I don't think that there's much of like there was a small numbers bump but it's very funny to me that like he's directing people to me being like I don't know man threesomes are like it's like so stupid but okay sure that's what I wanted to promote i'm very curious what the bump

is though like yeah because that that does feel big that feels big they do that with comedians sometimes where they're the uh they'll be like uh the comedian you just saw will be performing at uh vinnie's chuckle shack in jersey city and i'm just so like, did those shows sell out? Did it result in two ticket sales? Or did it not make a difference at all? It made a little bit of difference. I'd say listenership is, I'm sorry, I was able to pull it up. Listenership is up about 30% for this one. Wow, so four people this time.

That's fantastic. Four people, yeah. That's amazing you've been doing a podcast that long. It's been in, like, different incantation or incarnation, whatever. It doesn't matter. Uh, so it started off as person about town and I would take someone to their favorite place and I would interview them at that place. And that was like most of it.

And then I want to say four years ago, Rohan was like, we have great conversations about dating on G chat. Let's try one out. And then everyone liked those episodes more so we've just been doing that do you and roha ever go on a date is there nothing there's nothing there was nothing that's that's why we're great friends because there was never anything sure i agree i've i've i've i've had i mean i have more i'd say i have more female friends than male friends and yeah

usually there has to be nothing there but every once in a while you know you're together and there's something in the air you feel it in the air and you're like could we Rohan I've seen him there's a thing

you've seen him once this is a person who I love who I will be there to defend to the end but like seeing someone's like growth around an area still means that you saw them at the beginning of that growth period and so there's like a part of me that will never not see that included in who he is and so I'm like oh no thank you like you're lovely and I want not like his girlfriend's one of the coolest chicks i've ever met like so happy for them but i don't feel that way towards rowan at all that's great yeah that's great um all right where did we talk so we didn't talk about we're not talking about what do you do what do you want to say is it you know i just think it's shitty i do think it's funny that the same week that you decided to start a podcast with me

barack obama and bruce springsteen i mean that's a brutal that's a that's a we're like john marcus i got a good idea and then barack obama was like i got a good idea and i'm not saying they're both bad or good ideas but it's just funny i i really i mean i'm nervous about the podcast i i maybe i'll have barack as a guest to help him promote his podcast yeah who the fuck wants to hear bruce and barack talk about like the what kind of relatable conversation are they what is strange who's oh you know the two things i love in life bruce the boss bruce springsteen and former president barack obama these are my two favorite things it does feel like it's missing there's a third something needs to be there.

Like someone else. Like Pauly Shore. Yeah. Barack Obama. Something like a little bit weirder. Pauly Shore. Yeah. It just feels like, okay, we know that men aged 60 to 45 need to listen to more podcasts.

Let's get you guys in line. But people, not people who think too much about politics people who think about it enough to be like i think i'm a good person maybe i'm not like i'm not a terrible conservative uh yeah just throw these two people on a fucking thing and let's print money yeah that's what they they had a meeting they wrote down two names they were like fuck fuck yeah let's make it happen so much money i'm sure now michelle obama has a podcast too yes i just i just it's these politicians politicians in general i know michelle obama's not a politician but politicians i don't know it's just it's just so much it's so much i mean like i i hear about

obama like a perfect amount yeah i think to like still be cool with obama yeah and now it's like a podcast i don't know because trump's gonna have a podcast soon and ted cruz is gonna podcast mike pence is starting a podcast no oh my god these are people who are too controlled the fun of the podcast is you don't know what they're gonna say but these people have such yeah ways of talking agendas to maintain in businesses that they are the head of that they're never going to say like actually when i was fucking michelle that's just not gonna it's not gonna you're not gonna get that fun thing that exposure that what the hell why wouldn't it be funny if mike pence was really

funny though on his podcast like all of a sudden he was just like very surprising i don't think he is i just it's crazy that he's gonna have a podcast because he used to be a radio guy he went through a phase because when he was vice president he was super controlled i mean truly zero charisma but he used to be like a rush limbaugh-ish like and he had hard opinions and he'd weigh in on like he said like mulan was making people gay i forget what his mulan complaint was but the new one the new one or like the old one the original like he was just you see those drawn muscly soldiers and you're just gonna want to fuck our god but you're totally right like that's why podcast that's why podcasts in general are dangerous because you're creating content

and that's why like i would i hope not to be too political because part of it's like i'm just talking off the cuff and if you're gonna add a hard point of view about something that's important you're just gonna fuck up and so i'm sure obama and bruce i'm sure they have to stop all the time and brock has to put it on mute he's like so i was fucking michelle last night it was really fucking wild and bruce was like oh shit i don't know bruce probably got some great fuck stories probably hasn't he been with the same the woman for a long time same person doesn't mean you don't have good fuck stories that's true that's true a long time. Same person. That doesn't mean you don't have good sex stories. That's true.

That's true. Yeah. Just because you're monogamous doesn't mean. Kenice, do you want to relate? Because you date so much. Are you dating with the goal of having a partner or do you enjoy this life that you lead? That is. Do you enjoy?

Are you enjoying this? this life that you it sounds so you better yeah it sounded it sounded weird um i would like to more than i want to find a person i want to find the right person and so if i have to go through a lot of people to find the right person, fine. But my nightmare is to settle down with the wrong person. Yeah. I mean, Russell told me right before it was the day of his wedding, he said, there's no such thing as the right person. You just have to. Oh, I did not say that.

That was part of your vows, I think. Why are you coming for my marriage today? I have a friend, our friend Douglaslas he told me once he said listen you just got to find someone who smell you like and when i was in my 20s he told me this when i was like 28 or 29 i was like that's so not romantic and now that i'm 32 i'm just like to everyone i meet i'm like that's it someone who smell you like when i was in high school okay two there's two brief stories i know that we have to wrap up for you like when i was in high school okay two there's two brief stories i know that we have to wrap up for time but when i was in high school my environmental

science teacher who was like the advice i was the president of the environmental science club whatever she was like kanice um ice you're talking a lot about boyfriends never marry if you can think of a reason not to marry someone don't fucking marry him never get married and so that was high school and then in middle school one of our like the choir teacher like her name was mrs tallman the s on mrs fell off so someone was like haha mr tallman her she went white as a ghost and then like closed the door and was like if you ever see this man if you ever see this man around here i need you guys to get security. Just so you know, ladies, living with a man, if he asks you to marry him,

it's not exactly the same. It's different. Oh my god. And that was choir in oh, that had to be 8th grade. And I was like, okay, taking notes. Don't get, okay. Alright, we're moving on to our next segment this is uh

no this has got to stop this has got to stop do you hear that one more time this has got to stop this has got to stop welcome back to this has got to stop i'm very uh this is i think my favorite segment of uh we're gonna do this has got to stop um let's see uh kanice do you want to start do you have a this has got to stop something that needs to stop um come to me after okay we'll come to you after that's great um yeah it's one of these things it's one of these things i i just know we had matthew broussard for the first episode and of course he he said social media has got to stop and i really i had to really push i was like come on we got to get a little more specific yeah do you got one because I have a quick one. It is, it's very specific and it might not be this week in general, but this has got to stop.

John Marco, you are, you, the tweets that you like sometimes it's like every, I swear anyone that's ever posted, I just lost my father today to COVID. John Marco finds a way to like the tweet. And it's a constant reminder for me that sad awful things

are happening hourly and i don't know how you find them i don't know how you i don't seek them out i don't know how you find every single tweet that is like that that like oh my mom just died 10 minutes ago i know and i'm not those tweets need to be out there. You have great empathy and you are reacting in the time, but for whatever reason, I guess I don't follow enough things. It's like, I will, when I go on Twitter, I'm just like, how many John Marco likes of terrible COVID information is going to be on there? Well, that's the problem with Twitter.

I said, what's Twitter? It's like, funny joke, funny joke, my dad just died. Like, Twitter is like- And you like every my dad thing. And you need to, you need to. You can't, I guess if you follow someone and they post that, they need some reaction.

I mean, you do see, and then if you see like someone whose dad died and it only has like 12 likes, you're like, well, fuck, they had a bad tweet too. But that's the problem with Twitter. I think it's such a weird experience because it truly is like you're reading the comic book section of a newspaper and then it's like obituaries right under garfield and it's just a real visceral back and forth how do you feel

about things and i go to twitter for for comedy basically and then you see these posts and you're like yeah oh boy um that i okay i'm Thank you. So anyone who loses their parent, if I don't like it, it's to help my friend Russell not feel a momentary moment of sadness. No, no, no, no. I want you to tweet everything. Sorry.

Okay, my this has got to stop. The term on the spectrum. The term on the spectrum is it's getting used quite loosely these days i i i am also guilty of this where it feels like if anyone's slightly awkward maybe they don't enjoy talking to you you're like oh boy that guy's really on the spectrum and i'm like it has become this like universal term for anyone that's kind of awkward as opposed to talking about being on the spectrum which is a a real term and refers to people like

so people will be like oh my boss he yelled at me for being 30 minutes late i think he's on the spectrum my mom said this about my stepdad all the time like he's on the spectrum and to be fair i think he's on the spectrum but i i just think that the the term has become so loose that it's without a diagnosis it's yeah it it's used a lot yeah and i think i i think i i mentioned this where i was i was dating someone with with uh adhd and i i did the thing that a lot of people do i'm like i have adhd and maybe i do have a psychology is obviously very complicated and the terms are not these terms are devised in a room and people lobby for terms the same way with politics sometimes but she said she said how many times have you lost your phone and i said never and she said i've lost my phone 20 times

and i was like oh okay well there's kind of a a general test wait what does that mean that that her adhd is so like intense that she's always like can't focus and can't remember like her mind's scattered that she's constantly losing things so for me to claim adhd look russell's just like adhd is bullshit no no no that's not what i was reacting to i mean i have you ever used the term on the spectrum to describe someone uh well i worked with i worked with kids on the on the autism spectrum are you just saying that because they were slightly awkward russ no i was like no yes i understand so um so yes i've used it in terms of like my work with people have been diagnosed have you ever used it not in the literal have you ever used it in the casual

way people do um yeah i'm sure i have i don't throw it out there a lot but i'm sure at some point i have but it is something that's hard to do because it's a medical diagnosis and and and yeah and i do think that sometimes too it's not even just like that, even if they're awkward, it's sometimes it's like someone does something that's kind of an asshole thing. Like in terms of like not caring about how you're going to react or kind of being rude in a moment. And sometimes that's when I think it's kind of difficult because you're like, you're giving a medical diagnosis and, but you can't tell if it's a real thing that someone was or someone was just being being an asshole in a moment you know and we do it with presidents i mean we did it with trump we said all sorts of things uh people do it with biden they say has dementia and all these i mean people love we just love to do it we just love to use it and we're like very mental health positive until we use it to describe someone we don't like yeah i was like oh i love daniel he's

on the spectrum i think i love it it's always it's always a negative it's always a negative thing as opposed like oh wow daniel's oh my god daniel figured out the tip so fast he must be on the spectrum it's never like that no no can he have you ever used the term on the spectrum uh only to describe a boyfriend who was in fact on the spectrum okay that's good you guys are are good people maybe this is my problem can you see you got it this has got to stop uh a dating thing okay no not a dating thing this is like so i this is something i do to myself i read the comments for any video that's posted about me i read all the comments oh of course that's so hard oh fucking one and then like a i should stop doing that so that's posted about me i read all the comments oh of course that's so hard oh fucking one and

like a i should stop doing that so that's like part like one a of it uh can you gotta stop reading the comments but people writing whole ass paragraphs as a comment and to say that you don't like me bitch you love me who else would take the time to sit here and dissect everything that i'm doing yeah now are you able to really turn it because like i could say that and i i've had especially on reddit i put jokes on reddit and like i could say to myself oh they wrote a lot they must love me but inside i'm not feeling good does it hurt your feelings there are some things that i'm like oh okay interesting that that's the thing that they pick at. Like I hadn't thought of that, but like at this point,

I've seen every insult about my appearance, like it being compared to looking like all sorts of people. I've heard that I'm not funny. Like I've heard that I'm like bad at my job. Like I've heard every version of it at this point. So now it's just like, wow. Instead of like, it's more hurtful honestly to have someone just be like this bitch sucks like that's more hurtful than like okay so what she doesn't

understand about comedy from me a complete fucking non-comedian is that she's got to do this and then she's got to do it's like how many times did you watch my fucking video dissected yeah that's like you i don't know what i'm doing for you but it's clearly something that you decided to waste like an hour of your yeah doing this what hurts your feelings the most is it the not for me it's it's not funny or someone is like hack or like that's my sensitive everyone on tiktok keeps saying i look jaundiced and i think it's the ring light i've got it i mean like i mean like every video i get one jaundiced comment and that's that's okay i'd rather be jaundiced than not funny yeah i had one person i posted a joke they said uh don't do this one on stage and i was like it ruined my day

yeah you're you're bad at that or not yeah no no like you're you get hurt easily you know i'm gonna hurt you after this no i'm not saying i'm i love you let me pull up my favorite comments from your video can you say wrote them all down here which which ones hurt your feelings do the appearance one hurts do the sucks one hurt you tweeted about one right was it was it you tweeted about it was it george yeah they're like no because it was for me it's funny because at first when like i do videos for vice at first it was all like this is what why is hannibal in drag like why is hannibal burris in drag oh boy oh boy it's like oh like we are making progress as a country on race because they stopped just comparing me to black men now they're also saying that i look like white men like they're

also saying that i'm like ge Costanza. So what a, what a great, what a great time in this country. I can't even imagine. I mean, I think I, I just, I know as a man,

I, as a white man, I'd like my comments are truly, I don't get the vitriol. Like you're just getting people coming from all sorts of angles. And it's gotta be you, you existing on video means that it was affirmative action and you're taking someone else's job and i'm like what yeah someone else is gonna come up

here and do jokes about harriet tubman bitch okay i did apply for that i uh my harriet tubman packet did not go through i there is that thing you keep, I constantly say to myself, I'm like, people who write comments are not people I care about. Who writes. Who, it's an insane thing to imagine. Like when you see articles on news things on Facebook or the thousands of comments, it's insane. You're like, who are these people and every once in a while

you'll see someone that you actually know responding to a business insider article and you're like what are you doing that for like it's it's it's wild it's wild and you're like when people are like how did trump win you're like because thousands of people are commenting on YouTube videos and and things and it's it's it's so wild that it happens because I I've never I don't think I've ever I don't know I don't maybe I have but you left a comment on uh Kniece's video about George Costanza I think but other than the reveal it's it's also one thing that was really nice about the valentine and i know that i shouldn't read comments i know that but to read the comments and when someone said something mean it would often be someone i know and occasionally sometimes someone i didn't

know being like fuck you you're a fucking loser like you don't know what you're talking about she's great and i'm like oh that's nice that's what you do hope you do hope eventually you reach enough fans that they kind of defend you, that they kind of will comment, why don't you go shut the fuck up? Yeah. But that's a long way. That's eight years of this podcast away from me.

Oh, my God. All right. We're going to go to our final, final segment. Please be the right button. You better count your blessings. say one one thing that we're we're grateful for uh we'll try to be specific i'll start this off i i um i went to a bathroom last night and uh they had this because of coronavirus don't what i took a really i took a nice nice dump uh no uh as i was leaving i always hate the the door you wash your hands and i've been washing my hands a lot because of i was not if i peed before and i didn't touch anything i'm not washing my hands but okay let's focus i

for the door handle they had this new thing that i'd never seen before by the bottom of the door it was kind of where you could put your foot on it to open the door and you're like finally there's so many times you you wash your hands i know you're supposed to hold the towel to open it and then throw it trash can is not always nearby a lot of places have like gone for like hand dryers and stuff so like yeah exactly and so you're touching this door and you're like there's shit all over this door handle we've wasted the whole the whole thing and i thought you know coronavirus it was tough for a lot of people, but at least we got this out of it. We finally figured out, oh, let's use our feet. I'd like to use my feet more often throughout the day.

Yeah. It makes me feel kind of more like in tune with my body. Yeah. So, and I'm sure eventually, you know, people in wheelchairs cannot use this, and that's going to be, they're going to have to come up with a thing where you hook your wheelchair to it. But I'm very grateful. I was grateful for that. And I hope that's an invention we keep around. Russell, do you have something you're grateful for?

Come back to me. Okay, great. All right. I just moved. And the grocery store that is now closest to my home has good rotisserie chickens. I love a good rotisserie chicken. I love. Now, let me ask you.

Because I used to be near a Whole Foods. I haven't had a rotisserie chicken i love a good i love now let me ask you because why used to be near a whole foods i haven't had a rotisserie chicken a while but i i eat it off the chicken i eat it i mean it's disgusting are you are you eating the whole chicken in one sitting no i'm not eating a whole chicken in one sitting i spread it over like i mean maybe that's what you do and there's no judgment there but it's like i make wraps i make salads, I have it over the course of a few days. See, even if I eat half the chicken, I eat it, it's not moving to a plate. You know what I mean? It's going right out that, oh, it's a deli.

How much do they cost there? $6.99. $6.99. That's a good deal. I think Costco has the one that's like super cheap. Costco's amazing. I mean, I've never really used it as an adult. I only used it with my mom when I was younger,

but I want to live near a Costco. Oh my gosh. I want to get like 10 pounds of beans. I fucking love it. 10 pounds of beans. Only if they're Goya. Okay. All right.

I thought of mine. Russell. Yes. Um, I'm, uh, what is the count? My blessings.

Um, counting my count, your bless. Count, count singular. Count my, that's kind of the whole joke. My, uh, okay is the, count my blessings? Counting my blessings. Count your blessing. Singular. Count my blessings. That's kind of the whole joke. Okay. My dog was pooping a lot.

And so I was having to take him out a lot more than normal. And that's not a big deal, but it was a little annoying. And also when he was pooping, he was getting an erection. And so we were kind of concerned not castrated castrate uh he's fixed fixed or you know castrated castrated i don't know if that's the term yeah that's the term you looked at it is a term but they're not chopping we're not chopping the dog my dog still has a dick yeah they take the balls away that is that's castration no that's neutering that's neutering castration is taking the whole dick?

Yeah, I think so. Isn't that what Bob Barker said at the end of the show? He said, castrate your pets. No, no. He said, spay and neuter your pets. Okay. No, so he's neutered, but he still has a dick. How big is his boner we're talking?

Upsetting. He has a good dick for a dog. So who's measurement to do you ever take a dollar bill and like see how many inches it is um he is bigger than yours no listen i don't want to talk too much about my dog's dick but i will say he was getting a boner while he was pooping. It's not ideal. It's not ideal. And so we were like, is something going on with him?

He's pooping more and he's getting a boner. And then, uh, now he's back to regular, uh, seemingly and is feeling better and not getting a boner when he poops. So, uh, that is,

I'm, I'm thankful for that. Have you ever gotten a boner while you pooped? Not that I can remember remember definitely not a full i know a full-on not because it's certainly not because i was pooping you gotta flip like there's a weird pushing thing that's happening there definitely there really is a lot of buttons next to each other and sometimes i was like your prostate's right there like yeah maybe his prostate was inflamed or something.

Yeah. And the poop just was, like, hitting it. Poor guy. Poor guy. I think because your Tonight Show set, one of your jokes, it's a very good joke about people who named their dogs human names would have been comfortable with owning slaves, which means Russell would be very comfortable with owning slaves because his dog's name is... Hennessy.

Hennessy. would be very comfortable with owning slaves because his dog's name is hennessey but uh that's his given name was you know he we got him when he was seven or eight and he already had the name we felt what's your cat's name you know are you gonna bring up this every time his cat's name is louis every every single podcast episode louis i like the name i liked the name get the fuck out of here it's a fun name his dog's his dog's name used to be woody and now i said russell you can't have it you can't have them all named after this is the last episode you can bring up my fucking cat's name you're branding me as like this louis cK. It's okay. Zealot.

All right. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was episode two of The Downside. Kniece Mobley, people tell where they can find you, what you want them to do. Okay. So you can find me at Kniece Mobley on all the platforms. Website is KnieceMobley.com. I've got the Love About Town podcast, which is available wherever you get your podcast, and a show on Instagram called Make Yourself Cry, where guests come on, show me what makes

them cry, and see if me, a notoriously bad crier, will cry as well. Have you ever cried on the show? I have cried several times on the show. What did it for you? What was your soft spot? So I just didn't tell her the movies. There's only four movies that really make me cry, and I didn't tell her what those were, but she just, on her her own picked one of them and it's paddington 2 the end of

paddington 2 gets me every fucking time and so i'm just like bawling on instagram and we're chatting about it oh my god i i love that i love that i gotta watch your show it's a great it's one of those such a great idea fuck why didn't I fucking think of this fucking premise? I'm notoriously showing my wife something that made me cry late at night the night before. And then I show her without any context. She is like not the whole movie to back up anything or like the whole TV show. It's just like the scene of the Terminator going into the lava. And I'm just like, watch this scene.

And she's like, yeah. And I'm like, isn't i'm like i'm like really crying again um oh man i love that that's a great idea for a show the the woman i'm seeing right now i've talked to her about it like she likes i cry during movies i think i cry during movies we both cry at different things but she um i think she likes when i cry but what happens is i start crying and she turns and starts like staring at me and it makes me feel self-conscious

and I kind of had a thing where I was like please stop looking at me when I'm crying because it's that and it's like emotional that I feel like now I feel self-conscious well this was oh Russell anything coming up for you no okay so

I like that. We're finding our little recurring games, like me bringing up his cat's name is Louie. Every episode. I feel like I did too. Well, the test episodes too. I don't know. Well, check out my album.

It's now on Pandora. It's Shelf Life. It's going to be on all the... I don't even know when this is coming out. I'm waiting for the network that airs you to finally start this. But it's coming out soon. Check out Kani's Bobli set. And Vice, right?

Yeah. So they sort of canceled it, but then they're like, people actually like this. Oh, we don't know. So I don't know. I'm so sorry. I will have other Vice content coming out, but who knows? Okay.

Good, good, good. Vice had a show for a while that got canceled too, right? Vice is figuring stuff out right now. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening to Downside. We're going to let my good friend Douglas Goodheart take us out. And just as a reminder, I always say this.

There's no such thing as happiness that doesn't come from someone else having astounding amounts of pain. People are suffering every second in North Korea. Bye. John Marco. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I'm going to let this fade out and then we'll say the second goodbye. Bye.

Downside. Downside.