The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #20 What Happens When Your Therapist Dies with Carmen Lynch

Episode Date: June 15, 2021

6-foot-tall-stand-up comedian Carmen Lynch (The Tonight Show, Inside Amy Schumer) joins us to talk about the downsides of wearing a back brace in high school, having a geriatric therapist, the time she almost got me killed driving back to NYC from Bananas Comedy Club, and Russell shares the time his masseuse started clipping his toenails unprompted. Join The Downside Patreon for early, ad-free episodes and bonus ones on the 1st and 15th of every month. Even if you don't want to listen to them, it's a lovely way to support Gianmarco's delusions of grandeur. We're also adding video on 6/22!!! Follow CARMEN LYNCH on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Listen to CARMEN LYNCH’s The Human Centipod podcast Watch CARMEN LYNCH’s Tonight Show set Visit CARMEN LYNCH's website Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And we are recording, recording, recording, recording, recording. And all right. Really fast. Can you just turn mine down a little bit? Sure. No problem. It's really loud. Is that better right there?

I can't hear you at all. Now you can't hear me at all? I mean, now I can't hear you through here. Okay. Bring it up there. Yes. All right. Perfect.

Perfect. What the fuck? Oh, no. All right. Let it do this thing. Fucking a motherfucker. Son of a bitch. What does bitch what does that mean repairing your file file repaired so then all right when it does that all right if it stops again let's switch the card i don't know what the fuck that means okay all right russell let's do it hello um wow trying something new today um i'm introducing uh so

welcome to the downside with john margaret srazi and uh myself russell daniels uh we have very funny stand-up comedian uh carmen lynch today they fuck you up your mom and dad they may not mean to but they do they fill you with the faults they had and add some extra just for you you're listening to the downside the downside with john marco cerezi i don't know it works we'll see we'll keep talking i uh i wanted you know i want to start with either a sad fact or a sad quote or a poem we talked about that poem in the last episode i gotta be honest i think we can just you can just start with a quote and then and then we can play the theme music and then we can go into introducing now i do think we should start with a quote but we have to do a pre-roll so it's gonna be like

get auto insurance bye they fuck you up your mom and dad they've so maybe we'll try that though next time um listen i got very stressed about introducing yeah you really you really took your sweet time with it i mean we really were already over i uh uh what did i welcome this is the downside we're gonna do the things we're gonna remember this is the downside this is a podcast where we focus on the negatives and the sad things so you know when you when you this is always my example but when you're surprised that you know someone kills himself like it's because they weren't they weren't telling you that they were actually sad and on this podcast we don't make that mistake no if we kill ourselves you're gonna know it's coming

from a mile away i won't but maybe you but sure but you wouldn't be the first person to say that and then that's true that's true not everyone like anyone not everyone knew like i'm coming like ah you know what when i'm 60 that's true that's what a lot of bad things could happen well uh you know i had uh my my family dog died so we're even on the dog front yes i'm sorry about that thank you did you make a song for it i did not make a song for your dead dog i uh well let me tell you so so my last time i saw my stepdad uh there was two dogs rocky and romeo and his cat cosmo so they had to put down my dog uh rocky and then they sent me a picture and they were a picture of flowers on like a burial patch in the backyard and they said we buried him right next to cosmo

and i was like when did Cosmo die? They didn't tell you. No one told me that the cat had died. Oh, wait, how old was the dog and how old was the cat? In human years or dog years? Dog. Dog. No, no, no.

Sorry, human, human. Are cat years a thing? Human, no. I don't know. We had it since we had it. My stepfather and mom were married when they had it. So ancient. Long time.

Old. Biblical times, this dog.. So ancient, old biblical times, this dog. Yeah. Um, well, welcome to the downside. I,

uh, uh, thank you for continuing to listen. Uh, just remember we have a Patreon. It's downside.com. Oh no, it's patreon.com slash downside.

Jesus fucking Christ. Ad free early episodes, two bonus episodes a month. Um, check it out. It's, it's good. I wanted to, to uh bring up briefly

we we had a we had an event we had an uncle function show our sketch team yes and uh i we had some downside listeners there yes we did thank you all for thank you thank you for coming uh and they got to some of them got to meet tova my girlfriend for the first time it was kind of cool they were like tovava, Night Terror Tova. Then they started recreating the Night Terrors for her. Very fun for her, I'm sure. My complaint about it, there was a lot of like, I've been single for a long time. And there was just a lot of like people coming over like, ooh, you guys, Jamarco, you guys.

And going to Tova separately. I left and Tova was there. And they were like, Tova, this one feels different. Jamarco talks about you this way. And it's just like they were talking about me like I was some vagabond who's like, found his way. I think that's exactly what I actually said to Tova. That's what you said. I think it was just me.

I hate this idea that because i was single no i was like a lost soul meanwhile these people they've been married and divorced and and they were with people and they cheated on them and like somehow i'm i'm the mess because i didn't buy into their their their patriarchal monogamous i don't think that's what what's happening i think i think you know i've seen you date other people for sure uh over over the last six years what i've called my girlfriend publicly no that's why i'm saying it's a little different and i don't think it was like that you were like yeah a vagabond or anything like that i just it feel like i it wasn't meant to like

make you freak out i think there's just a fawning of a like uh like it's the same way with like people do with celebrity couples. Yeah. Yeah. Where it's just like, just like, you guys are so happy and oh my God, it's so cute.

It's like putting us. And I'm like, you know, we're miserable too. We're barely hanging on every day. Starts with maybe this is the last. Hey Tova. I,

but then here's the kicker. Is that I left and someone went up to Tova who's known me for a very long time. Not me. No, not you. And I'm not going to say his or her or their name. And I had a breakup when I was like 22. And it was pretty intense for me. I put a lot of weight onto this relationship.

And I was not secretive about my pain about it. I wrote a whole play that I kept going for many, many years. I got a tattoo. And so this person went up to Tova and said, I'm just so glad Joe Marco was able to finally make room for someone else.

Like going up to this and just like bringing up my ex and saying like it was just like this she that's what she said yeah oh i'm so happy for you and jim marco i'm just glad just between you and me i'm glad he could make room for someone else i was like you fucking i don't want to say bitch because that would gender the person you asshole i don't think it's oh okay sure but now you but what a monstrous want to say bitch because that would gender the person. You asshole. I don't think it gendered. Oh, okay. Sure. But now you have to. But what a monstrous thing to say to Tova. And just a condescending that, oh, because I was sad about something or because I felt something.

Well, it implies that you were kind of like psyched. You know what I mean? But I wasn't. I was an artist. I was writing about my pain. That's why it's really like. If someone had another kid, would you go up to the, like their kid died and then they had another kid 10 years later, you'd be like, oh, your mom, your mom seems to really like

you. I'm glad she could make room for someone else. That's not something you say to the kid. No, I know, I know. And this is worse because I'm like a kid. This is someone I like chose specifically in a relationship with. I agree. I agree.

That's crazy. What time of the night was that? I don't know. Like right after I left. I think they were waiting. Okay. They knew not to have me be there i would have made a scene well we should get to our guests yes we really should she's been listening uh this is a stand-up comedian i like very much one of these stand-up one of like when you're you're young and you're hosting at bananas comedy

club and they still they still speak to you they still say hi to you is bananas a real place yeah bananas a real reputable comedy club sometimes I think that you make up names of places when you make a joke about a place every comedy club name you could fathom in the world has like so when you say like chuckle laugh it's all real like it's all been done so welcome to the podcast Carmen Carmen Lynch. Hi. I have so many things to say based on what you've already said. Great.

Well, fantastic. I'm very excited. First of all, are you dating Tova Silberman? I am dating Tova Silberman. Oh, I love her. How do you know her? I did a festival that she ran like six or seven years ago, maybe. I wish I dated her when she was still producing comedy. What does she do now?

She's a comedy manager with mosaic oh yes she is uh uh somebody's manager that i spoke to recently joyelle joyelle yes we we were at the tonight show airing at the comedy cell yes uh tell tova i said hi i promise she will listen oh hi tova She was helping me pick out a clip last night. And she heard us talk about her on the podcast. And then immediately after, did you say anything else about me? She enjoys it. So I'll tell her you say hi.

I don't even remember the name of that festival. But do you know what I'm talking about? Was it like cheese, crab cake? Cheese and crackers? I don't know. Something food related. Crab cakes. Yeah. Yeah, she has the poster in there yes that's the one um super fun she packed it out it was great

yeah good job good job i know i've told you before but that was really produce some shows again that would be fantastic um we did work bananas we worked bananas we're not gonna we can't tell the banana story i have already checked oh you Oh, you checked. I did check. And I was told, please don't tell that story unless I'm there. I had a feeling. I can say that you did drive me back from bananas. We can say that. Let's talk about the driving.

Because I still have PTSD from it. I got to tell you. I have to tell you what happened. I think I told you briefly, but I want you to know the full story. You went momentarily blind. What exactly? So we were driving. It was not your car.

Terrible weather. Dark. Shitty car. Shitty car. Shitty car. And you don't drive. I don't drive a lick. And I drive, but not in New York.

Uh-huh. Yeah. You know, I go home to Virginia. I drive my parents' car, whatever. And yeah, it was shitty weather. It was like raining. I mean, all these things. Highway. Highway parents car, whatever. And yeah, it was shitty weather. It was like raining. I mean all these things. Highway. Highway.

Late at night. I'm sitting there and oh and the biggest thing of all the windshield wipers sucked. Yes. I mean sucked. And that's why it was a shitty car to begin with. But the wipers and the defogger didn't work.

Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare. We can't say why. So there's a reason that the driving, where somehow this was the best option in front of us. The reason, the only thing we can say is that I had to drive. Okay. Yes.

Basically. Had to. So I'm driving and John Marco's in the front seat and then the weather is so shitty and then i realized i can't see yeah now this is a combination of the foggy window the um the nighttime the lights the whole car is a piece of shit you know that part we can say a million times yeah but then i also came to realize like what is wrong with me i cannot see yeah and um and we were driving slowly now with the rain and the lights and the traffic and the highway

i make a wrong turn and suddenly we realize it's like a ramp and cars are coming towards us it was going the opposite direction we were turning in wow okay could have killed us could have totally killed us yeah and john marco real i think you realized it first and i was like what what and i start turning he's like hurry up and turn because we saw we didn't see any cars coming yet but we knew it was a any second they were gonna just come so we turn around and yeah just so you know, I'm in the passenger seat. And when you're making the kind of three point turn we had to make,

there was a period of time where I am number one target. I am the one who dies. Number one. Now, now it's easier to make a three point turn when it's your car. Yes. Right. Yeah.

But we're talking about a car I've never driven and it was a piece of shit and, and it's raining and all that stuff. And I, for some reason can't see, well, anyway, we made it home obviously, but cut to, it really bothered me that I couldn't see. And I was like, what is happening? So I went to the eye doctor and I couldn't believe I'd never worn glasses. I don't need glasses in New York. I don't drive right now. Just to make it clear, I have glasses for only two reasons now driving, especially at night and subtitles and movies. Wow. And those are two things I don't do. Yeah. So there were a lot of factors going against you in this one ride. So when I put those glasses on,

I have a joke about this. I felt like a superhero. I was like, you become Dale Earnhardt Jr. All of a sudden. I'm like, is this normal? And the doctor was like,

yeah. And I'm like, this is crazy. That's how I found I needed glasses. When I was like 15, I was making fun of a friend. I was like, yeah,

I'm a nerd. I was like, you can see that Panera menu from here. Totally. And I looked at a tree out the window and I was like 15, I was making fun of a friend. I was like, yeah, I'm a nerd. I was like, you can see that Panera menu from here? Totally. And I looked at a tree out the window and I was like, I sounded so stupid. I was like,

I can see the leaves and the little ridges on the leaves. And he was like, okay. It was like those videos where you see color for the first time. Yeah, it was insane. And I'm like,

how many years did I need glasses? Because now when I drive, I can see everything. That's well, at least someone went to the doctor after that experience. I agree. I have to laugh, but I 100% agree. Yeah. Well, so you're very nice because I hosted bananas. I recently had bananas, but I just want to say I'm very sorry. I put you through that, but I had, so you were very nice. Because I hosted Bananas. I recently had planned Bananas.

And also, I just want to say I'm very sorry I put you through that. But I had no idea. It's okay. It was just one of those. I was like, you ever been in a situation where you're like, I should get out. Because if I die. Get out on the highway. I thought like, is one of these things where should I be like, hey, I need you to just pull off somewhere.

And I'm going to walk home from here because if not, I'm going to die. And it's one of those moments where you're like death or manners. Yeah. And I chose manners every time. No, no,

no. How many people have died just trying not to hurt. And I, and the thing is I would never want to kill anyone, but I was like, what do I do? We're on the highway. Do I pull over?

Like, how are we getting home? There's literally no one who can take us home. No one. It was, but you were otherwise very nice. Because I remember the first time I hosted Bananas, it was for Greg Fitzsimmons. I don't know if this is something he does with everyone,

but I hadn't met him yet when I brought him on stage. He hadn't shown up yet. I guess when he goes on stage, he calls you the F word as he comes on stage. So I was like, Greg Fitzsimmons, shook my hand, and they whispered in my ear you the f word as he comes on stage so i was like greg fitzsimmons shook my hand and they whispered in my ear uh the f word and i was like oh no did i fuck up his name but then he did it again the next night i was like oh this is just a fun thing he does like fucker like what does he call you the other f word i think i wouldn't say fucker on this show wait the other

word he calls you that why i i don't know i first i thought first i thought i fucked up his credits or something but i think that's just like his well he can't say that anymore he's gonna get canceled this wasn't that long ago you remember 2019 where you could just say the f word at your leisure before our situation or after before before okay no well i mean what's funny about our situation is that's how I got bumped up to feature. Sometimes people ask you, like, how did you go from host to feature? And you're like, circumstances you could never recreate. Also, they're top secret.

But you should have been bumped to, like, triple headliner. Like, literally just headliner. Oh, I know. But I'm glad she headlines you now. Yeah, I think someone else headlines me she picks the features oh okay but she's very kind she drove us back the next day thank god the next remember that was friday night this happened and then she drove us home on saturday god yeah oh there it was not happening again no it was not happening again and we told

her that yeah yeah we're like this car needs to go into the car dump or whatever they're called um but uh you're very kind and i'm glad to have you on this and i'm glad you're alive we're both alive we're both alive um so i i as you know this is a negative podcast so you know feel free to complain kvetch but i listened to both your albums again i'd heard them both oh my god really i don't of But I listened to both your albums again. I'd heard them both before. Oh, my God, really? Of course I listened to them. That's so nice. You know younger comedians coming up are listening to your stuff.

It always feels weird when someone actually takes the time. Because people say that. You know what I mean? So, thank you. So, I want to start. Because you're tall. I'm tall. You're six feet, though.

Yes, what are you? I'm 6'4". Okay. But I'm also a man. Yes, you are.'m tall you're six feet though yes what are you i'm six four okay but i'm also a man yes you are and that's like six feet as you said you're six feet at 14 i did when did i say that on your album oh okay the first album i don't even remember that one anymore yeah oh sure well i remember being that tall because i don't think i was six feet maybe i might have said that for exaggerate for exaggeration on stage for but i do remember that i was what is seventh grade what is it what age is that uh i always know i think so no fifth grade is 12 like i've looked that up for jokes but i'm always i'm googling

things like how old are fifth graders 17 so by 17 okay is that seventh grade? No. No. 17 is like junior year. Of course. Like 13, 12, 13. So then I was. I was 5'10", for sure, because I got a back brace. I had to wear a back brace, and I found old medical records, and it said 5'10". In fact, I grew so much.

Maybe when I first had it measured, I was 5'9", but I grew six feet by the time I had my back brace removed because they had to make a new one because it didn't fit anymore. Oh, my God. How ugly looking was this back brace? It was just sad more than, it was just, it was plaster. It was like a very hard plastic. And the craziest part is that they had to like almost like paper mache it to my body to make the mold.

So I remember just in Virginia and this like warehouse just lying there with these like strap cold straps. It literally felt like they were paper mache my body so that they would it would like, you know, get hard. And then from that, they'd have the mold to make the real thing. Is there any like flying under the radar with a back brace like is there is it like something where is it outside the shirt or under the shirt yeah is it well it's under it's under but you had to wear uh a tank top underneath because it would start to like rub on your skin yeah but the um but the weird part is like i would wear these heavy sweaters which is so funny because it's not me now because I put a heavy sweater on.

I'm like sweating immediately. But back then I would wear these heavy sweaters in case like someone bumped into me because I was so embarrassed. I'm like, and then sometimes they wouldn't. It was like, oh, you know, like I remember one of my friends was like tapping my back. And of course I didn't feel it. So they were like like just kept doing

they're like carmen what is this you know so you didn't tell people you were trying to be like no i mean they found out but i um i grew up in a very like you hide your insecurities, you hide your flaws. Where'd you grow up? Virginia, but my mom's from Spain and it's very Spanish. It's very. To hide your flaws. Oh, the therapy. Are you kidding?

They're just barely starting therapy now. Yeah. Therapy is like for some of my relatives still, if you're like psycho, it's not like I broke up. I need to talk to a therapist. So everything was just pushed under the rug yeah so I was like oh my god are you kidding I have to wear this like no one's gonna know I'll just do everything last

I'll walk into class last I'll just not do activities just so no one's behind you and potentially taps you and whenever someone laughed I was always like they're laughing I had so much it was shame I mean I needed I wish I could talk to a kid with scoliosis and be like, let me help you. I'm sure they're out there.

Well, now that'd be weird to find them online. Oh, it's a surgery thing now. Now it's mostly, there were a couple of people in my school who had surgery and I was so jealous. And I was like, you know, kind of like, fuck you. Like you don't even have to wear this thing you just have to go in get some anesthesia get some rod shoved up your ass and then it's gone you know tough too though I know but it was like the to me the shame was like not saying that I had scoliosis but the the wearing the thing and sitting um outside of gym

just watching everyone play and I'm just sitting there for an hour just going like i don't want to be here you know just you're not socially you're just not when did you wear it until seventh eighth and then uh i think right before ninth i got it off okay so there was you never had like a hookup with a guy and you had to be like hell no run to the bathroom and hear some armor falling off onto the floor even um when i had it removed um i was still like i had been so used to um not being social that i was almost like how they say like a fat person in a skinny body is still fat yes you know so i was like that i was just like well i'm still not gonna do that And then it took a while. And then, and of course therapy came years later. Yeah.

Yeah. Back brace. Oh, um, I had a minor case of scoliosis, but it was weird because, um, they never did.

It was one of those things where every time I went to the doctor, like they reminded me that I had a minor case of scoliosis, but there was no, like they didn't do anything. So I always just felt bad about it because they would be like, no you know you have a minor case of scoliosis and i'd be like i'd say yes you're like minor enough to shut the fuck up but then there was no like plan so i was like should i be doing something if i i i felt uh i i mean i wasn't scared about a lot of other things but it was a weird thing where i was like what why i don't understand when you get involved

in scoliosis and when you're just like telling people yeah what does that mean i didn't even know what it meant well um my sister had it too because once they saw how severe it was on me um they're like let's just get her sister checked but she um i was so jealous because she developed so quickly and it's all about how quickly you like blossom into a woman. And of course I was slow. And once you just like, you know, get the boobs, you know, you get your period, all that, you're a woman, you're done. Like you've grown.

But everything for me was like, nope, she's still a girl. Were you, were you still like, do you have boobs when you got that height or were you just like a tall stick? Tall stick. Tall stick. Yes. Tall stick. Yes. Tall stick. Was it good for you?

Were you doing the basketball in the middle school? Never. No, I never played basketball, which I love now because my boyfriend has a son and sometimes we like play and I'm like. You just like destroy him. I mean, I've gotten. You're like LeBron just crushing this kid. I mean, I still have to kind of figure out like the basket is there. Let me shoot. But then once I practice. Once you got the glasses, you're like,Bron just crushing this kid. I mean, I still have to kind of figure out like the basket is there.

Let me shoot. But then once I practice, once you got the glasses, you're like, Oh, right. But no, I just did cross country.

That was my thing in high school. I don't know how people do that. That seems so boring. This is how people do that. I know me too. I actually, I can't believe I did this. People,

so many people came up to me and said, you should play basketball. That I went up to the varsity coach in high school and I was like this I mean this is embarrassing because it was junior like I'm literally about to graduate in a year and I went up to her junior year and I was like can I play basketball on the team and she's like have you ever played before and I was like no no and she well, what makes you think you can play? And I literally go, I'm tall. Yeah. And she was like, it's a little too late.

You would have to be on the varsity team now. Why don't you try cross country? Like here, you can run, you can walk. Why don't you go run for 20 miles? Exactly. Just go run. Just do something that like you've done your whole life. And I mean, luckily I liked it, but she was basically like,

I feel like cross country is like the psych major. Like, you know, when you have nothing else, you do that. How far are we talking in terms of running? Three miles. Okay. That sounds reasonable. No, it's way better than track. I tried short distance. Oh, yeah.

And no, I'd much rather have long distance pace myself yeah because at first i was like three miles you have to sprint three miles and you don't i it's good you didn't do oh we had in middle school there was a kid who was like the basketball he was like six foot five in like seventh grade and 350 pounds and like terrible not an athlete but just big in that way where if he was standing in front of you, you could, you was tough to move.

Oh, I play basketball. You play basketball? For just my freshman year. And I was like, one of those things, like I had socially, I had some friends that were doing it in middle school and I,

I was clearly never good at it. Like, do you know what I mean? Like not the body type. So I did ninth grade year and i got out i i was like never again because um there was like a the ninth grade team was just like a um it was there was like ninth grade team then a jv team then a varsity team so the ninth grade team was kind of like the ninth graders that weren't good enough for even the jv team so So that A of all. And then I was not playing.

And then this crazy thing happened where one time we had like, you know, like you always had like warmups. And we, one day there was a kid out sick and I forgot my warmup outfit for the game. And I was like, I'll just use his warmup outfit. And I used his warm-up outfit and um i used his warm-up outfit and his mom came to our practice the next day and was like russell daniels has stretched out my son's

warm-up outfit and she yelled about me borrowing this kid's warm-up outfit which you know i probably did stretch it out, but I was like, it was mortifying. I was like, I'm just in the wrong place, and I never did it again. What a bitch. I remember her name. You remember her name?

Yeah, I'm not going to say it, though. Oh, okay. It's not a very small town. She had crazy hair. Like, insane hair. I will find her. She was like a sketch comedy character. Like, when you see a kid with big, thick, coke-rimmed glasses. It does sound like a scene from something we're gonna put a link to her LinkedIn in the show notes

it does sound like a scene from something doesn't it yeah I just did the middle school basketball but we it was funny because I went to like a little private school used to be a Christian school still kind of had the echoes of it and they got a coach from like DC who came in and cursed like he was like a college

coach who like something had happened in his life that left him to middle school coaching and he came in he was like a college coach who like something had happened in his life that left him to middle school coaching and he came in he was like what the fuck are you guys doing we had never we didn't have teachers who cursed yeah and i remember i like there was one game where i missed 50 shots or something and he asked me he was like what happened there jamarco and i was like there was there was a girl in the stand and i got kind of nervous and he was like well they're not gonna want to fuck you if you if you miss all your shots. And I was like, oh, my God. We were in eighth grade.

So we knew what fuck was. But this was not like a school where that was cool at all. Wait, what state is this school? This was at Potomac, Maryland. I grew up in Maryland. Right. Yes. So you grew up in Virginia.

Your mom's from Spain. From Spain. Or was there a Spain-ish community in... Hell no. No. Everybody was white in our neighborhood. Yeah. Did you feel out? I was completely embarrassed by her.

I was embarrassed by everything. Like, I was embarrassed when we'd go shopping, and she would yell, just, you know, she'd be like, ¿Te gusta este vestido? ¿Quieres ponerte este vestido? And thenes ponerte este vestido? And then everybody would look and I would hide. I was so embarrassed. What was that translated to? Do you want to try this dress on? Just anything.

It was just Spanish and nobody, everyone would just be shopping and they'd go. Like it wasn't like New York City opened my eyes. Like everyone's like Latino, black, so diverse. Like Virginia, Northern Virginia was all white. And I was so, I i was like don't talk so loud she's like you are so embarrassed about me so she doesn't seem to be shy at all not when she would be embarrassed like uh like when we first moved to america she was you know she'd be she would make my sister and i answer the phone because back then it was like a landline

right so it would be like ring ring and she'd be like and then i'm like they're trying to confirm your dental appointment and she wouldn't get on the phone she'd be like you just tell them yes i'd be like my mom said yes so embarrassed you were born in spain no i was born in Spain? No, I was born in America. Okay, but she moved to Spain. I mean, you moved to Virginia. My parents met in Spain, and then my sister and I were born here, and then we moved to Spain when I was three. So then we lived there for five years. So I actually moved, because the first two years of my life,

you don't remember anything when you're a baby. So when we moved from Spain to America when I was eight, it felt like the first time. It was like, now I'm like america what's going on what is this that's now we're in spain i've been to spain i've been to barcelona is that that's correct way to say it barcelona barcelona and madrid and madrid we lived in rhoda which was a military base near Sevilla, Seville. Yes. And then we moved to Madrid. Okay.

But my whole family lives in Barcelona. Like my sister lives in Barcelona. My aunts and uncles, everyone lives in Barcelona. Beautiful place. The Gaudi Church, one of the few. The Gaudi Church. All the Gaudi stuff. That's my aesthetic.

La Sagrada Familia. You know that? No. The Sacred Family, the Sagrada Familia. Mm-hmm. You know that? No. The Sacred Family, the Sagrada Familia. Does that sound familiar? Saying it more condescendingly doesn't help me understand it. No, I went to Madrid.

I saw a bullfight, which I regret. Really? Yeah. Well, that was like recently, right? How long ago? Yeah, but what do you mean? Well, no, because I-

The bulls didn't feel pain back when you saw it? It's so- The bulls used to love it. They used to. They really did. Because usually these bullfights, just so people no, because I didn't feel pain back when you saw it. So no, it used to love it. They used to, they really did. No, because you see these bull fights just so people don't,

if they don't know, like the bulls aren't always like angry. And so a big part of it is like pissing them off. And so they stabbed them. And this bull that kept stabbing and stabbing, they're like, why aren't you getting angry? And I think they stabbed him so much that before he got angry,

he was out of blood. And so he is charging was very wimpy. No, it's very mean, but it's one of those things. why aren't you getting angry? And I think they stabbed him so much that before he got angry, he was out of blood. And so his charging was very wimpy. No, it's very mean. But it's one of those things where you like look back because it was so normal. Now, remember, I lived in Rota, which is outside of Sevilla. And bullfighting and flamenco, all that comes from Andalucía, which is that area.

So I was three when we moved there. So around like five or six, we'd go to bullfights all the time. it was just a thing you just go oh yeah he died look they just cut his ear off and now they're taking him to the slaughterhouse like it was just a normal thing but then as i got older i was like what you guys don't like bullfights you're pussies and then i was like oh wait no this is really mean is there pushback in spain like against it now oh no it's barely done now once they all started getting therapy they were like you know what maybe yeah we're not mad at the bull we're mad at our dad now or your pants are on too tight because those bullfighters i mean i don't know how they run when there's there's a bull no wonder they get gored well people really revel

when they get gored because it's just like yeah when they get gored. Cause it's just like, yeah, this is what you do. Like we have a thing where like, whenever these people who deal with big animals get hurt, we're like, yes. What do you know? Yeah. We love it. What do you know?

Yeah. Running of the bulls is where? No, I did that. That's really fun. Oh my God. But I, that's in Pamplona. That's way North. And it's so much fun.

I did it maybe like 10 years ago with my cousin so i went to barcelona then we took a train or whatever to pamplona and then um it's crazy because it's eight days or seven days and then it's it's at eight in the morning so basically people in spain they drink they're crazy so they start drinking around 11 they party all night this gun goes off it's 8 a.m and then they're everybody's drunk that's why Americans die because they're running with the bulls wasted and I didn't run with them but I would stand by the gate because I'm like I want to get a good view of this and then you'd see all these people and and then finally the bulls would come through is it a different chase every

day every day okay so it's not an eight day chase that seems like no the whole thing is like less than half an hour okay okay so the whole thing and they run into the bullfighting ring and i don't think they all of them bullfight there's like you weren't in you weren't in the sorry you weren't in the pit running no i, I was watching. Okay. So is it a pit or is it like a gated street? It's all gated. It's all fenced. And I mean, yeah, it's the street.

It's the street and they fence it and then you run. So the people that start running, they're fine. They're just kind of like walking and jogging because there's like a million people between them and the bulls, you know, it's the last guys who are all drunk and they're like, yeah, little one.

Yeah. You know, how many people die every year? I mean, I think the year that I was there, some guy got gored right near his little sack. Yeah. But it happens a lot,

but you would never do that part. No, no. Good. No. Good. No. And most... That's crazy. Most women don't.

I would imagine. Yeah. I would imagine. I met the kind of men who were like, we're going to do this. And I was like, no. But most people who do get injured are part... Like, they're partying. They're foreigners.

They're tourists. You know? And the people in Spain are like, yeah. Fuck yeah. They're like, you're idiots. You know? Why are you wasted and but it's crazy they can't even um they don't have enough hotel rooms for all these people so when you when it's over and people are wasted and tired and it's now it's like 8 30 in the morning

everyone's just on the lawn just passed out like we got a hotel because you know my cousin did and she knew what she was doing. But, um, but you know, there's just like people everywhere. It's a big party for like, and you hear Australians, you hear Americans, you hear,

it's just crazy. Do people in Spain like it? Like, especially being in New York, I have a real sympathy for like, this has got to suck. Having these tourists come here and they're running around getting drunk or in Spain.

Are they like money, money, money? I mean, it's a small town. This is a small small town yeah yeah so if you went back now would you see a bullfight or would you jump in the ring and say no oh no I wouldn't say no it wouldn't be the same because it was just it was a it was such a different time and it was a it was just kind of you were just used to it it wasn't a a thing, you know? And you would just get up and go, ole!

You know, and like the wave. It was like the Spanish wave. I think, I mean, I guess it's good to confront that stuff as a kid, to see death, to experience the circle of life more. I never saw that as a kid. I didn't see things die. Bulls. I saw a man have a heart attack at a football game when I was nine.

When you were nine? Yeah, he died. Were you scarred for life? He died right there? Yeah, my dad did CPR on him. What? It was like a whole thing. And I remember being like, maybe he didn't die.

Like in my head, I was like, because then the paramedics came. And then I asked my parents the next day, I was like, did that man die? And they're like, yes. And I was like, I was later on in on in life i'm like glad they were honest but also i remember thinking about it for like weeks was your dad like scarred that he wasn't able to no i don't think so because it was like clearly a heart like it was like it was they weren't sure if he was choking because he threw up like i have very vivid image of what happened but uh um it uh no my or at least he hasn't said that but my dad's kind of quiet so maybe he is yeah and i just don't know um but uh yeah it was

it was this like grandfather watching his son play a championship therapy wrestle we're both um i don't know i'm not opposed i just haven't uh scheduled it uh you know but i'm not opposed that's good yeah as long as you feel good i feel i get everyone i i think i think everyone should be in therapy it's tough because there's bad therapists and there's good therapists yeah when did you start therapy how old are you i oh when i moved to new york because in Virginia, I kind of lived in this bubble, right? So then I moved to New York and I was like, wait a second. Everything my parents said wasn't right.

Like it's just you get out of home, you know, you leave home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then New York was just so different from Northern Virginia. So I went to a therapist. I don't even remember why. I was just conflicted. And she wasn't that good. In what way was she?

Like, she'd be like, punch a pillow, you know, when you get home. Or like, she told me to write a letter to my parents stating everything. It just made it worse. Like, my mom mom first of all it judges therapy now she's better but this was years ago and she's like and i said this feels really good oh it wasn't even like keep it it was like send it send it oh wow i said this feels really good you should try it and that line don't you ever tell me what to do. Don't blame me for how I raised you. And by telling some strange woman, like it was all just horrific.

And then did she write that back or did she call the moment she got it? And then for about a year, I didn't talk to that. We know it was really bad. And I don't know if that I don't I don't blame blame the therapist for that part because I do feel like I needed to like regroup. Yeah. And a lot of it was, what are you doing in New York?

Cause at this point I wasn't a comedian. I was just pursuing acting. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. I was huge with acting and I was like, and she's like, you're just,

we paid for your college and now you're just gonna go and be a temp and act like that was just another what about 401k health insurance like it was just so much and at this point i was like i i need to figure out my life so you had a massive fight oh yeah my father at one point now this is all like i'm not making fun of them but it just shows you how traditional and limited when you don't have therapy you don't know it my dad goes we can come up there and go to group therapy and figure out what's wrong oh with me i see do you know what i mean and i was like no no i don't need to be with you you guys go figure out what your issues are with me i don't

need to be there i have my own therapist it's very challenging to get someone to go to therapy yeah i mean loved ones yeah friends uh it can be it's hard because the part of you like i as part of you is like well you need to fix this one thing you have to want make it so that they want it for themselves as opposed to the urge of like i want you to fix this one thing. Yeah. Someone else should fix it. Well, and my therapist told me,

cause I would be like, you know, trying to push friends or, or a significant others in the past ago. And she would just be, cause I've been with my therapist now for 15 years, like my same one. And I went for a serious,

like panic attacks, massive fear of commitment um which i'm fine with now like i've been with my boyfriend we lived together for five years all that but you know other stuff comes up and you're like well i don't want to stop this this feels good yeah but at one point i was like i you know i wanted to be like well this person should go for this and she goes just take care of yourself just because that will either real make them realize that it's you don't match anymore because you're kind of growing or it won't work you know what i mean but she's like you can't change people like you have to just focus on yourself yeah i try to be very helpful like some people it's very tough they don't know where to find it or don't know how to find an

affordable one like i went to a place that it was based on my income which at the time i was an actor zero i mean it was zero yeah so i got like two sessions a week for 30 bucks total per week yeah so i try to help in that respect with people yeah but it's tough then they can get bad there's bad therapists out there obviously i think that's what's tough is you you pray i either someone in my life who needed therapy very badly. And they came to me one day, like my therapist kicked me out. And I was like, oh, I don't even know what. And I had this urge. I had this urge inside.

I resisted it to be like, what did you do? Yeah, why do you get kicked out? Are your stories not interesting enough? I was just like, oh, that sounds, sounds oh they suck they should be in therapy yeah the therapist therapist well yeah because every therapist has a therapist did you know that well we talked about a new day to the therapist and they went to like the legendary couples therapist that other therapists go to hilarious i'm sure it's it's all i i don't know to be a therapist therapist I can't

imagine how they all... They're not allowed to talk about their patients at all. It must be tough to be a therapist. Like how to stay sane or if you're having a tough day and everyone comes to you with their problems and you're like okay, enough of you. Well also I would think because when I first started

going, I had so many mom issues that she was practically my mom. I mean, I have a mom therapist. I've always said I've always needed, I have a mom therapist. I'd love a dad therapist too. Yes. I would love a dad therapist. I would love to have one. But my therapist over time, like I got over my mom issues and I kind of grew up, you know, with those issues and she was still treating me like she was my mom therapist. So at one point I had to have a heart to heart and I was like, I need you to like, let go

of those like chummy, you know, too personal, like almost like she was too close. Like what would she say? Like stuff like, ah, you know, like how you would do to somebody who needed it. And more nurturing. Where I, I mean, at this point, that was a long time ago. Did you write her a letter? No. I brought in my back brace and I said this.

No. I just, I, she knows that I do better objectively. Like if something's wrong, just tell me. Don't be like, hmm, you know, oh boy, yeah. Oh, I know. Like we're having coffee together and she's my grandma.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, at this point, she's 72, so she's way older. You know what I mean? That's scary. My therapist is not 72, but I have had thoughts about like,

what happens when this woman dies? Yeah. Then I will kill myself. I think that would be a really good therapist when they die, all their patients simultaneously. Kill themselves.

Together with Kool-Aid. Together with Kool-Aidaid together yeah do you ever think about that that she's old like it's like do you think you'd be devastated you'd be like you know what's funny i hope she doesn't i don't think she'll listen to this but she she had open heart surgery during covid and part of me was like oh my god i get to pick a new therapist. I was kind of excited. Because you wouldn't survive? Yes. It's kind of like when you're with someone for so many years and you're like, I'm going to date again. Oh, my God, I'm kind of excited.

I haven't been out there, you know. And then she was like, I probably won't call for a couple of weeks because I do have to, you know, I have a nurse and I have to, you know, whatever. And then it was like three weeks and I was still like, still kind of like, I think I'm going to get my new therapist. And then four weeks it started to switch. And I was like, oh, but she's so good. Would I ever find anyone that good? And then I was like, oh my God, what if she died? And she, you know, so then I called her.

And then when I found out she was alive, I was like oh my god so i went through that i love you start going on you maybe get the therapy apps you start getting back on the apps chatting a little bit and they're all like oh no um well that's wonderful russell uh we're gonna set you up with the therapist after this after this show you just want a young Yeah, a young one so they won't die. I would not want someone younger than me. No, no, no. I think it's gotta be tougher once you hit your 80s. You just look at

anyone younger than you, you're like, you don't know. Shut up. You don't know what it's like to turn 80. Well, even I'm sure you have friends or even colleagues or even a younger relative who's like, well, what you should do and you're like, excuse me? I saw you

shitting your pants when you were one and I was already in college. You know what I mean? Like, don't tell me. Here we should take our commercial break. is brought to you by Dyson OnTrack. Dyson OnTrack headphones offer best-in-class noise cancellation and an enhanced sound range, making them perfect for enjoying music and podcasts. Get up to 55 hours of listening with active noise cancelling enabled,

soft microfiber cushions engineered for comfort, and a range of colours and finishes. Dyson OnTrack. Headphones remastered. Buy from DysonCanada.ca. With ANC on, performance may vary based on environmental conditions and usage accessories sold separately and we're back with something i really i really want to talk about okay you you have your boyfriend you've been together five

years you said and he has how old is his son his son will be 13 will be 13. We'll be 13. Now, my father dated, and there were many women that I had who I became close with. You know, my dad was not particularly slow to introduce them to my life, which I think was very harmful. Fucked me up immensely. Lots of women who were close maternal figures then vanished when they broke up. So I'm just so curious, was he the first guy you dated with a kid? Yeah, like serious, like we need to I'm going to meet his kid. The thing is,

I already knew John, my boyfriend, for years because we tempted Goldman Sachs when I was an actor. So we went through Like all actors do. We always go through the Goldman Sachs temp program. an actor. So we went through like- Like all actors do. We always go through the Goldman Sachs temp program. So even before standup, I knew him. And so for like, we didn't reconnect for 15 years.

Wow. So at this point, I already knew that he'd been married and had a kid and da, da, da. But when I first met his son, we just decided like, I'm just a friend who's visiting. So, like, when I came over to say hi, and he was spending the night, because he lives with his mother. His son lives with his... Do you think the son knew?

No, because he was seven. No, and he's an only child. I don't know. Kids are smarter than you think. He's, like, a little... He's innocent. He's a young... He was a young seven.

Okay. Yeah. And he was very shy. You know, it's not like he was like young seven okay yeah and he was very shy you know it's not like he was like let's play to me you know what i mean he um so um so yeah we introduced me like i was just asked because yeah did you did you want kids do you like kids i love kids you love babies i would have totally had a kid i I think if I hadn't run into standup, I just, at that point I was like,

I love doing this and it's not. And I think growing up, cause I have an aunt who doesn't have kids. And I was like, just assumed she hated kids. Cause why else would you have a, but then it just doesn't become a priority. It's all about if that was my priority,

I would do it. But once standup was my thing, I'm like, what am I going to take the child to Ohio, you know, with me? And and I'm like, if I was insanely rich, I might have had one on my own before I dated John or. But at this point, I'm just like this. This is just not a priority anymore. So then when I see like little babies or whatever, I love them.

I love playing with my friends, kids, but I don't need to have one so when you start dating someone with a kid do you do you have to think like when you meet the I just imagine like when you meet the kid my dad dated women with kids and he had kids yeah and my dad like I think I had the unfortunate philosophy where he was like I don't need to like the kids I'm just just with her. And the kids are there sometimes. And it was like, you, I imagine you have to enjoy the kid. There has to be some kind of, it doesn't have to be the most amazing chemistry. But you're going to have to like, I think if you're going to be a part of their life, you're going to have to love the kid in some way. There's going to be some kind of relationship.

So were you thinking, did you just go in and you're like yeah we'll figure it out or did you meet the seven-year-old and have to think like could this kid be i mean it's it's hard to say because he didn't live with john uh-huh so there were times i didn't see him for like four months i see you know and sometimes when he does did come over on weekends, um, I was on the road. Yeah. So he would come over, hang out with his dad. And then I'm like, well, I'm in Pittsburgh that weekend or whatever. Um, but also I always have like this desire to like get along with, I think it's a woman thing. Cause a lot of guys are like, well, if I get along with a kid, I it's fine, whatever. I like the woman, you know yeah but for me it's like oh my god this is so fun we're a family like when i moved in with my boyfriend he was the first guy i'd ever lived with so i was excited like it was my wedding i'm like what are

we gonna pick here we should put a table here and he's like do whatever you want i'm like why are you excited it's gonna be a new table you know so it just i think women are just more emotional about things like that so then his his son now lives with him part-time or comes now well covid kind of changed things so he's back and forth but he still lives with his mom i see but he comes over like he's with us now so he comes over um and stay will stay because it's online school so it changes everything so he's probably with us for a couple of weeks, then goes back. And you guys get along.

Yeah. I mean, he's not, uh, we're not like best friends, but like he, uh, we play Fortnite together.

Like that's our big thing. That's a big thing. That's the only thing. No, no. I mean, kids his age, they like,

they love like we've edited videos together and stuff. And you know, you're having him caption your videos for you i wish i wish but he showed me like stuff that i didn't know like a couple years ago uh he showed me how to do green screen and he showed me all these apps and stuff like that but he you know he's there to see his dad and to hang out with his dad yeah so a lot of times you know if he's like dad you know can we throw a football you know john will be like he kind of wants to do it alone and i'm like of course go yeah yeah you know i get it you haven't seen your dad in a month to to recognize that it's

nice of me to let them do it yeah i'm kidding no of course my dad my dad does all sorts of things where he'll bring a girlfriend to something and especially like when he's like dating in a way where you're like well this isn't gonna last like do we have to with just nightmare but i i mean i hope you guys stay together forever but i always think it's interesting i had like breakups with these women my dad dated we're like when i was really young they they lied to me they would be like i got a new promotion i'm gonna be really busy and there's one woman I was like are we gonna still play Monopoly and she was like I'll see buddy and then left you're so cute but then I never saw her again right and then I started the grocery store three years later with a baby what I was like who the fuck is this was I ever your son oh my god that's hard a brutal brutal i mean i just think it's i mean it sounds like

things things are very very good it's just like it's just a dynamic that's tough to figure out i think by my dad's later girlfriends i mean thank god they didn't do fucking stand-up comedy because i was probably a little bitch to them because i was so burned yeah by all these women i would be like we are not having a relationship, especially like in the midst of puberty, like 15, like get the fuck out of here. I think a lot of it depends on the age you meet them. Because if I had met his son when he was like two, I think we'd be a lot closer. You know what I mean?

But when you're seven, you're already aware and conscious. And, and, you know, we've had conversations, me and, you know, my boyfriend, like, does he blame me for, you know, who's this woman? Like, they don't know. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And a couple of people have been like, I didn't like my stepmother. Let's just call her myself that.

I didn't like my stepmother until I started dating and then I realized that my dad had a partner and I felt good that he had one you know so that's a big especially as you get older when your parents get older you're like oh thank god yeah it's there to wipe their ass I'm like exactly so I'm like well except for that part I'm not gonna wipe it but I mean it's it's like um you know well good they have somebody because right even now, like you can see him shifting to like, daddy, I don't want to play. I want to be with my friends. And, you know, he's like, all right. But before it was just like, daddy, daddy, daddy, best friend, best friend.

Who's this tall bitch? Yeah. You know? Are you taller than him? Yeah, but he's growing. Oh, then the son? No. Then John?

No, I know you're taller than the son. Hilarious. Your boyfriend. Are you then the son? No. Then John? No, I know you're taller than the son. Hilarious. Your boyfriend. Are you taller than the 13-year-old? This freakish 13-year-old towering over you. Yes, I'm like half an inch taller. Okay. Have you dated shorter men?

Oh, yeah. I dated a lot of short guys. So you're okay with that? It's so funny. I was so shy and passive with dating that if a guy liked me and I liked him, like I would never be like, um, like if he liked me that I, I might date him.

You know what I mean? Cause he was being the aggressor. He was being the initiator. Sure. But the only time I was like, I have to have a tall guy was prom. And there were two really tall guys in my high school. And one of them was dating the head cheerleader.

And they broke up right before prom. But like they were like the uber popular. I was like in the middle. So I was like, I'm not going out with this guy. He's, you know, I don't even know him and whatever. He's heartbroken. And then there was another guy who was my friend. And he was like six two and i'm like i'm just gonna ask him out and you got thank god oh yeah it's it's very funny like you know in my single days not that many women would

directly hit on me but any woman that like truly went up and asked me on a date six feet tall because it was just like a thing of like please please i have someone taller than me and that's just like the thing that's just how it worked out in terms of people who asked so you dated mostly tall no not really i mean it's not necessarily i like women the height of my mom and how tall tall is she? That's kind of gross. I'm saying like looking at the, she's just like the perfect height for sex. What is she? Tell me about your dreams. Let's talk to your therapist.

I'm just saying in retrospect, like when I look at, I'm like, oh, it's about the height of my mom. So, and I just, you know, I'm a Freudian guy. So I'm like, that must be it. Wait, how tall is your mom? She's 5'4".

Okay. Well, it's funny that you is your mom? She's 5'4". Okay. Well, it's funny that you say that because my mom is 5'1", and most of my very best friends are 5'1". Wow. And I'm like, weird. But it depends. Like my dad, he's a legs guy. Like my dad, he'd always be like, son, ask that woman out,

and be a 7-foot-tall person. He's like, she's got legs for days yeah and i was like that's just not that's not my that's not my that's not what i'm like oh yeah legs yeah i don't know what am i supposed to like he talks about like he's fucking the legs yeah like he's squeezing the calves together i don't know oh that was a camera we can keep oh i uh it's okay it'll be back in a we had a had a friend who went on a blind date and she left. Remember that? She left? She left because he was not tall enough. I gotta tell you

something that happened to my friend. I don't really know any more of the details but it was basically like they sat down and I think she might have asked how tall he was and he said it and then she's like and then she left. Did he lie on his profile? I don't think so. No he's not a liar. No it was like one said it and then she's like and then she left um brutal did he lie on his profile

i don't think so he's not a liar no it's like one of those things where he uh was in like a really kind of um he won a contest i um he remember he was that thing of the the i don't i don't try i guess i'm trying to be vague or if we're just going to say it, but he, um, he, he had like, he was, he was hinges hinge, like number two, most eligible bachelor in New York city. One. Wow.

And how do you become that? So then there was like all these like crazy people with like lots of money or, or models and things like that. And then him. And, uh, and so there's like the, the women that were also on that list that he was maybe going on dates with are maybe not going to be a good representation of the population.

They were like, this is what I want. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So. Okay. So we had another technical glitch here. Here's the deal. I have these three GoPros I bought specifically for this shit. It cost a fuck ton of money.

And I called B&H and I said, these cameras keep overheating. And then it beeps and it fucks up the whole recording. And they said, GoPro? Why? You can't use a GoPro for long recordings. And I said, motherfucker, you told me to get the GoPro. So not only did I buy three of them, I also bought arms that held the GoPro. I bought special cords to charge the GoPro from a distance. And long story short, I had to go back to B&H.

I had to return everything. And of course, I didn't have the boxes. Who keeps the fuck? I didn't have the boxes. You know why? Because Tova is always telling me, throw away the box, throw away the instruction manuals. You're never going to need these things. So I didn't have the boxes. I had to buy three new cameras. It cost so much. You have no idea how many patrons on Patreon I would have to get to afford this shit. So please, don't worry.

There's more episode coming. We're coming back. Don't freak out. But dear God, please join the Patreon. Patreon.com slash downside. $5 a month. Add-free episodes, bonus episodes. Please. I cannot let Tova keep buying us dinner.

And we're back. Another technical issue. Well, that's... Do you think you're going to get married? Is that something... I mean, at this point, I feel like, what's the difference? We have everything we want, you know? Yeah. I mean, if I was having kids I I would maybe one day but I don't know there's no rush for me would it

be cool to be a stepmom would you think of that as like I'm a stepmom now I already feel like what like we already we already feel married like we joke around that we're already married but um I don't know it's just I think it's just fine you know and it's it's it kind of goes in with my fear of commitment issues i'm like i got what i want there's no need to push it any further you know what i mean yeah i hear you fear of commitment i got that and i think it's because of the stepmoms they always got me presents that was their thing my my dad's new girlfriends, I think by,

I think he probably bought them looking back on it now, but every new girlfriend would ply me with gifts. And I was like, okay, I love you. Yeah. Okay. FAO shorts.

I'm in love with, you know, you're not my mom. So do you feel like you've done that as an adult? Like just shower people with gifts? Is that your thing? I don't think anyone would accuse me of that i uh russell no i don't think so i think um i don't think you're not i don't i don't i don't know what no you're not like a but you you do you do nice things but

i don't think it's not your number one trait would be like that you're like yeah i don't think showering people and gifts but i think like if i had if i was dating someone with kids i think i would i think i would be a good like maybe i think yeah i would think i would be a good stepdad i think i know kind of some of the boundaries nephew actually you did give my nephew a gift and he still has it a little years later a little tabasco four years sauce bottle little tiny tabasco sauce thing yeah at my wedding airplane he gave it to him and he had he kept it for years that little tabasco sauce well nieces i love my nieces more they i feel like they're my kids you know what i mean well now they're 12 and 15 but when they were babies i mean and they live

in spain so i would just go there and just give them so many things and just like take them away. And I know I wanted to ask, is that your, uh, not stepson. What do you call him? When you say casually your boyfriend's son.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You talk about him on stage. Yes. Was that ever a conversation with him? No, he doesn't know.

But when I did the tonight show, some of the jokes about him were selected and they're not mean at all they're just about him so i just you know like a 13 year old boy might be like don't talk about me he doesn't but we don't have that he would never think that because he's like in his own world with video games and living with his mom you know what the fuck is the tonight show yeah he wouldn't but i told john i was like you know just so you know these a couple of these jokes and he already heard them and he's a comedian and he's a comedy writer he writes for like cartoons he

wrote for the late late show with craig ferguson but he writes for um cartoon network and all you know dreamworks he wrote for them for a while so he gets funny and he doesn't he's like that's not offended yeah it's the same with tova we're like i mean she really lets me get away with murder and what i talk about yeah and i imagine plenty of other people be like what are you doing why would you share that that's how long have you guys been together uh why would you put me in this position oh you don't have to say eight seven months oh so i'm just saying it's long enough it's like you've been together two weeks and you're like oh my god listen to this no no no no it's like seven months but like last night i said something about what i'm figuring out new is i

have all this material where i'm single and so in my longer sets yeah i really have to figure out when i reveal that i have a girlfriend because i have some bits that are great that I just I have to you know so I said I was writing something where it's like I'm figuring out when to when is a comic to reveal that I'm dating someone and I found that it works best after I've slept with the audience member and she yes you know she helped me I was like hey can you help me with the wording of this so we're like close to that yes yes where I'm sure there's many other normal people who go please don't tweet that. Yeah.

Yeah. Applying that you're cheating. Not everyone would be comfortable with the night terrors that you've played her night terrors on this podcast. Yeah. A lot of, she has night terrors. Oh yeah.

You said your boyfriend talks in his sleep, right? He talks in his sleep so much. And I love, well, we talk about it on our podcast. Cause we have a podcast. The human centipod.

The human centipod. And, uh, it's on serious xm channel 771 uh no but anyways but he'll do something and i'll be like remember what you did last night and he's like no and i'm like this is gonna be a joke and we're talking about it on the podcast well you know what she has maybe you can get it is it's an app that i think it's called sleep talk where it basically you set it and it records only when there's like outbursts.

Really? So we wake up the next day and we can review all the things she said. Because I always, this is me when it happens, because he talks like a little boy. He'll be like, and I'm like looking for my phone, half asleep, can't find the thing,

and he's done. Yeah. You know, and oh my gosh like um two months ago he had this kind of a big deal recording with this tv show like that i can't disclose but it was kind of a thing and it was during covid so maybe it was like four months ago and uh he's like oh my god i have to get a good night's sleep i'm nervous and that night it was like nervous and that night it was like like i woke up like is there a cat like what is that and it's always been words but this was almost like a a very um mild scream it was like a and i was like honey wake up it was so weird tova saw a sleep person and they told her to tell me don't interact with her.

And she'll wake up and be like, no, no, no, no, no. Is that bad? No, no, no. And I'm like, I'm supposed to just watch and go, okay. All right. Don't mess with this. Just let it happen. So it's, no, it's scary.

But she's obviously working with someone to figure out what that is or no yeah yeah yeah but yeah it went a long time without it being addressed and then i i said let's talk about this yeah get it out let's get a full therapy team i wanted to do a sleep study with her because i'm not a great sleeper yeah and she did it once before where you sleep at a lab yeah that's what john did too oh really yeah what did they tell him was more for um because the sleep talking is not every night so it's hard to predict but he did it for snoring and um what is that called sleep apnea sleep apnea so he did it for that and they gave him like a special mouth guard kind of thing and it really cut down the snoring because i would be like i can't sleep like. Like, you know, it was driving me. I'll tell Tova about this. Cause she,

the idea of a CPAT, was it called CPAT machine? Yeah. Is, is a no for her. Well, she, he never got that.

That would be the next step. But she has a t-shirt now that we put it, you zip a tennis ball in the back. Yeah. And it prevents her from sleeping on her back where the snoring is worse. Wow. It's so nice technology. You're like,

oh, this is the most advanced. Just put something. It's the princess and the pea, essentially. It really is. She's a princess. Keep telling her she's a princess. That's what I'll tell her as I shove the tennis ball in her mouth. Social shut up.

That's what it's really there for. All right. Well, let's move on to this is our This Has Gotta Stop. This Has Gotta Stop. Carmen Lynch, you read the email email you're a responsible comedian so i have to tell you what's got to stop right yeah that's the general premise of the whole segment oh my god here it is this has got to stop high-waisted jeans hate them don't like them when when were they popular? Were they always popular?

No. Is it new? I think maybe in the last couple years, but I always liked low riders, low-waisted jeans. Yeah. And it might just be a sitting. It's just too much. You know what I mean?

It's like wearing a tight belt all the time. I don't like it. Where is it supposed to go? Your belly button? I mean, the lower ones. Now they have three. That's the lower ones now they have they have high medium i think like medium or whatever and low so medium and lower fine but high

i don't know i just don't like the look it just feels very like mom jeans to me and some people look really good in them um who what kind of body looks good like nikki glazer wears them and they look great but she has a killer body but i don't like her i don't her i don't like um i don't like her i love her no but i don't i don't like the way my it's just my stomach i don't like it i just think it looks mom genie mom and what is what is the mom gene traditionally i when i think mom gene i think just... The gut? FUPA, yeah. Yeah. You know FUPA?

It shapes you in the wrong place. Uh-huh. What does FUPA stand for? Fat upper pussy area. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Horrible term. No, but it's great. Horrible.

Really, really rough. But see, that's why when you have a body like Nikki's, she doesn't have a fat upper pussy, so it looks good. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? But I just don't like... But I have issues with jeans anyway, because I'm tall. I can't imagine. Clothes are, I think part of my reason of hating the shop is like nothing ended up working out.

I can't tell you the number of shirts I received. Here's the one thing I think about being a tall woman versus tall man is like when your shirts shrink, that could still be a look of, you know, just exposing a little midriff. I can't expose midriff. And that's the harder part for guys, too, is that like I always wear a tank top underneath everything. I have to because I have a long torso. Like there's a tank top under this. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And also because if you're tall and there's an air conditioner in the room, I get sick all the time. Like if I'm exposed, my skin is exposed. That's what made you sick, you think? The cold air? The cold all the time. I figured it out. I seriously figured it out. Well, that's the thing with clothes.

So many clothing places where I'm like, how much does this shrink? And they're like, just a little. And I'm like, that's not, that's, shrink it before. What are we doing here? I'm guessing the number of clothes that I bought in the store, I was like, I found it. The perfect t-shirt.

And I buy 10 of them. And I put it in the wash once. Unusable. And I keep them for five years. Hold it on. Yes, yes. Yeah. I get it.

And the same with jeans. Do you go to a special store? No, but I've started to do more like those online things like stitch fix where they um pick things out for you you give them all of your body measurements and you pick styles that you like and then you pick this you do this as often as you want I do it like every other month they send me like a big box with maybe like five articles of clothing and the return is free so I'll be like long jeans long shirt no flowers no paisley don't give me any of this prairie shit but you get to mark off a lot of stuff and then um i'll get like five i think five is the max so you get five items

i usually pick like three and then i they have a return envelope and i send the due back and i wrote long jeans and i got two great long jeans in the last month i'm like i don't have time to go find long jeans yeah i mean maybe i'll try i hate shopping more than life itself i maybe i'll try that i always in my mind i'm like i'm gonna sign up for this they're gonna send me a box of five pieces of shit i don't want to wear and i've returned them all and it was free you know what i mean i think every i think every um thing is like 20 bucks but there is a thing where if you get a lot of them, you don't even have to pay the 20 bucks. That's for them picking it.

Like it's their fee or whatever. But I've kept them all and I've also returned them all, you know? And it comes when you don't need it. So like, I'll be like, okay, I have a big party in two months. I want black dresses and I want cute little tops, whatever. And then I'll just get them. And it happened to me recently where I'm like,

I don't like any of these. Can you just do it again in two weeks? Like this is bullshit. This is not my style. And then at the end, it'll be like, you know, do you want a new stylist?

And I'm like, yes, Katie sucked. I didn't write that, but, but I'll say yes. And then I got a new thing in two weeks and it was great. I'm going to try it. Stitch fix. But there there's other ones so look for the ones you know well you don't like stitch fix I do but

I'm saying for men I don't know what they have okay you know that's a woman's one I don't know I really don't know okay yeah a dude one but stitch fix might have dude stuff I don't know I'll look it up maybe every once in a while they'll um they'll send you like a little thing which is kind of fun it's like swiping you know but it's like thumbs up thumbs down you'll be like do you like these shoes no yes no yes no and then they keep that in your like portfolio so you can like get the joy of like online dating swiping swiping but it's like a thumbs up thumbs down yeah okay i'll i'll check it out we someone might be interested in promoting this podcast someone reached out about some new it's some new

cryptocurrency that's in german feels promising feels very promising good good good and i asked my manager i was like i was like can i give them your email he was like yeah we'll assess but i sometimes i'm like i don't think you want this email i'm willing to deal with these kind of insane people but we'll see. Do you get things on TikTok like we want to use you to monitor? Yeah, I think TikTok is a tough one for them to monetize because you know how it is. Sometimes we have videos that do blow up and some of them are just fucking are a dud. Yeah.

So I've gotten terrible deals on TikTok so far. There's something called cold water it's like water that's extra cold and they're like if you have it in 10 tiktoks in a row we'll give you 400 bucks i'm like no yeah i've been getting a lot of free stuff uh where i don't have to sign a contract and my kind of rule is i try to make a post that is somehow inappropriate in a way that they would not want to share it so i make it funny so that's the goal but sometimes like like this one this was free this is a big head of me i think i just got that one yeah yeah a lot of comedians uh they've been reaching out and so i did one where it was like me whining and

dining and then in bed with this yeah with the dildo about to fuck me in the ass and so they didn't share it yeah so. So mission accomplished. Right. So that's my, that's my strategy. And why don't you want them to share it? I mean, I want them to share it, but I want it to be like funny. Yeah.

Cause I just hate the comedians that really just like start doing easy branding. I'm like, well now this isn't funny. This isn't interesting. Yeah. It's too early to sell out. If you're going to sell out,

wait till target is making you a spokesman. Right. Right. Like Maria Bamford. Right. And you have a bit about that, but you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i think it's so easy to be like kind of corny that's why i kind of like the ones that are like you can still make your videos just put us in it and i'm like okay who has sponsored you um i've done a dating one it was a while ago but it was like make a video for 75 bucks and i was like really that'll take me 10 minutes i'll do it you know and then i've had a couple where on tiktok you it says agree

or disagree and i'm like well you haven't told me what the situation it's under that creator fund and i'm like well i don't know what's the what are the details yeah yeah so i just ignore them well good well we'll get real branded sponsored things soon. Yeah. That our agents deal with. Right. It's a good idea. Um,

let's go to our final segment. This is, uh, uh, you better count your blessing. This is you better count your blessing. I forgot to think of a blessing. So I'm going to have to think up my feet really quick of something i'm grateful for russell do you have a blessing yeah i'm gonna have uh let's say by the way this episode comes out on on july i'm gonna have june 15th six days

alone alone which has been you know with a pandemic it's just my wife's going to a bachelorette this thing six day bachelorette yeah it's like the whole thing she's she's leaving now and uh i just have not lived or been alone in years do you know what i mean like even when i lived in new york i've always had a roommate so i'm just like it feels like i think one time in my life i lived alone uh and that was in like college for one semester. I'm just excited to have the whole house after. Like masturbation wise specifically?

No. I mean, that's definitely a component, but I feel like just having like, do you know what I mean? Like I just feel like with work and working from home and, and come in doing this, we had a show last week. So other than mess with like, what are you going to do? Like,

do you have like fantas? Like, no, it's just like not talking. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's just like some quiet and like, and not,

not that I'm like, ah, my wife, that's not it at all. It's just like being able to be really alone for like six days is very exciting to me. And I know I still have plans there's things happening but i for whatever reason it's it's i feel like i'm just excited to like be a little

quieter all right we hear that nicole shut the fuck up that was not specific to her at all it's a it truly is like just like uh having less plans and and being able to be quiet that's why I go on the road just to get away I do it for comedy is it different going on the road being in a relationship and being single like when you were single were you going on the road and having I don't turn things

no no no no trust me it's not like these men they're always old and creepy the ones that come up but i'm not like i'll fuck in a hotel and then you know what i mean i'm not i wasn't like that on the road in general yeah yeah um now i only feel bad if it's like sometimes i'll get them like every weekend yeah you know and i'm like i'm gone again you know what i mean but a lot of times if it's cool he'll come which is fun yeah you know i mean i i my heart goes out to you you know having to

headline every weekend that's really tough for you i uh are we headlining that's not the way it is at all comedy club in three months from now uh no no i understand i can't imagine i mean i'm this is i'm in a new relationship doing stand standup and it is fucking brutal figuring out. Like the other night, you know, we made a date night, but then I got like three spots came in and you know, I'm still like feeling like I'm climbing and hungry.

And she kind of like gave me the allowance to go do them. And it was really nice, but it's tough. I don't know how I'm figuring out a lot of things it's different when you live with somebody because you have those little nooks during the day yes um but you still have to make quality time because just because they're reading in the other room it doesn't like she's got a birthday coming up and that's the one in the calendar room like nothing yeah see that's nice unless yeah comedy seller gotham at the stand wants to reach out for the first time and give

me but also you know if you do have like something like oh a gig in london like sometimes i'll purposely look for something fun yeah and i'm like would you come and he's like absolutely and then we ended up in london for a while it was great that sounds wonderful so um so my blessing is uh keep it vague-ish but uh you know i have of agents, managers, and something in the overall team. There was one person who left the company. These things change and grow. And very scary. Early on, I remember I started with an agency and someone just left the business.

And you were like, you're leaving the business? It's like you are my, you're in charge it's like your company going under suddenly you're like but you're the person and it was horrifying and this time you know there's many people involved but but i felt like uh everyone else uh let me know that things were cool and i felt supported and i felt like, oh, everything's fine. There's just a changing in the overall structure, but I still have people who care. And many of them listen to this podcast, which is really nice. Well, there you go. There you go. That's what's nice about this. Cause a lot of times with agents and managers, you have to do, it's a very, these phone calls where you're

like, you have nothing new to say, but you're doing a remember I exist phone call. Yeah. And they're really degrading. Just being like, Hey, so just letting you know, I, um, I'm still, still breathing, still breathing.

And, uh, uh, there is something nice about a podcast. And like, if they're listening, I'm like, Oh cool.

You, you know, I'm, I've always said that if you could do a study where I would, if I could buy all my, my team mouse pads with my face on it, my work, I'm sure exponentially explode just seeing my face.

Are you the kind of guy who like, we'll send them like, like I'll send like a holiday gift, like a Christmas or a winter thing. I will do. Thank God I got to skip it last year. Cause of COVID. Same.

But I would do, I'm not, I'm never happy with it. I do like a levain cookie thing yes but i'm like they're getting so many sweets right now this is probably an imposition right and tova is a very good gift person and now i know from uh her clients giving her gifts i'm like i know which one she's like this gift was nice that's great so so everyone call tova when you need advice yeah but also there's a feeling of like in years past i'm like well i

didn't make any money this year so if i buy anything too fancy i'm operating at a loss totally yeah or you also don't want to be too grateful if you're not getting that many auditions yeah yeah yeah but so that all that being said is that everyone on my team currently, because they're listening, very good. They've been very supportive. Hi, team. Hi, team. And it's a nice feeling to feel supported in this just poisonous, toxic, miserable industry. Carmen, do you have a blessing? Okay, my blessing is I want to give a shout out to my, not my masseuse, but the woman I go who gives me a massage.

She's amazing. She has really strong hands. I think she's in her 60s. Still very strong. Please don't get weak and continue working those fingers because you have a whole emotional team that is quite old. I know. I know. And it's because I've been going to them for a while.

But this woman, she told me she goes most people my age retire. Yeah. But she's a big, like she's got, she's strong. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know. She's a huge strong. She's a huge strong woman.

And how often do you get a massage? Well, it's a tall thing. So if I'm flying a lot, I go up more often. But maybe every other month. No. Oh, every other month. Okay. I've gotten more like every month, but I have to be good.

I can't just go all the time. Oh, let me say really quick. There was a masseuse in my neighborhood in Maryland, a lot of rich people getting massages every week. And they were accusing like he would do a thing where he'd like pull your arm or like there would be a pull thing and a pull and a let go and he was accused that he was pulling it and the way he let the arm kind of flop out uh was touching his genitals and like he he got canceled pre pre-canceled terminology he got fired. He got fired by everyone.

And yeah, that's the story I thought of. I'm sure your person's better than him. It's a very specific thing that must have been happening if enough people were like, yeah, he's pulling me down. Keep grazing your genitals. She told me that there's a, because she's deep tissue, so there's a way to like find spots. And I'll be like, ow!

And she goes, you know I don't care. I like that that i like a little bit of mean i love a little mean but i've gone to a guy this guy was in la and like a day maybe two days later i noticed bruising and he was amazing and i was like i called and i was like you left me with bruises and then i when i came, I asked my lady. And she said there's a specific way to get under the tissue that you learn where you don't bruise. And I never get bruised by her. And I was like, I never knew that was a thing. Wow.

You know? Massage is one of those tricky things where it's like it's not quite a doctor. So I just imagine there's a lot of masseuses who don't know what the fuck they're doing. Yep. And just wounding people. Yes. Wounding people. Or I don't know what the fuck they're doing yep and just wounding people yes wounding people or i don't know doing it for them maybe they get a kick out of some mostly naked bodies um one time real quick i had a i was in the middle of massage she was doing my feet and she stopped and then all of a sudden she started clipping my toenails. Oh, my God.

I was like, oh. And she's like, they're so long. And I was like, okay, fair. It was just, it really took me down. It was just so funny that she didn't ask. She just started clipping my toenails. And it wasn't like a spa. You know what I mean?

It was very much like you're getting a massage. But she was just like she just started doing it that's hilarious it really was funny to me i was doing a therapy over the phone you know because my lady's older and this was not during covid this was just one of those like i was probably on the road yeah and i just wasn't thinking i was just on the phone and like i said i've been with her forever so i'm like i got my headphones on and i'm like, la, la, la. And then I'm like, oh good, my clippers. Let me start clipping my nails. And she heard it.

Oh no. It was so embarrassing. I'm like, I'm just so comfortable. I thought I was like, I don't know. It just didn't even cross my mind. That's the tough of the Zoom. I have a lot of temptations to like, I'm not supposed to eat,

but I always have a temptation to like, let's go off camera a little snack. Yeah. Carmen, that's very funny. Yeah. very funny yeah did she say are you clipping your nails she goes do i hear is that a clipping and i'm like i'm so sorry i was so embarrassed that i just i just jumped right into like a topic to talk about because my mom i start crying so i clip my nails because my mom never clipped them um well wonderful we've reached the end anything you want to promote this comes out june 15th okay i um oh my socials are all at carmen comedian and my podcast the human sonopod is on uh itunes spotify sirius xm and uh june 17th i'm at the

candlelight theater in william wilmington delaware that's amazing you did that from your memory yeah that's like my only date for june i think i might i have one more two more um i will be headlining spokane comedy club this weekend friday and saturday first time there you've been in spokane yes uh much further away than i thought I like just wait so long to do these flights and I'm like, Oh fuck. What? Like it's a nine hour one stop. It's a nightmare,

but I'm excited to be there. Two shows, Friday, two shows, Saturday. I know I don't have any listeners in Spokane, but you might know someone there. Maybe your parents live there.

Tell them to come. I'm very excited to do it. I'm honored. Russell, do you know our uncle function show? Do you know the date? Yes. It's not till July, July 9th, July 9 9th but i'm sure the tickets are already up july 9th 7 p.m

at the asylum nyc we had a sold-out show yeah um last time and uh uh you know we should all know that we've talked a lot about being tall and the one thing we didn't mention is that uh for every inch taller you are the likelihood of death increases yeah particularly cancer because you have very long organs are you serious yeah oh i didn't know that well there you go this is the downside wow this is the downside whether you're tall or short big or small we will all end up six feet under the ground. One, two, three. Is that real? Yeah.