The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #200 Islamic School Theater Kid with Malik Elassal

Episode Date: April 16, 2024

Comedian Malik Elassal shares the downsides of his private Islamic school’s theater program getting shut down mid-rehearsals, Gianmarco’s fake flaccid shl*ng, and having to tell a story about the IDF firing a missile into his grandma’s house for a Don’t Tell Comedy stand-up taping THE DAY OF October 7th.  You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Malik on Instagram & TikTok See Malik in a city near you: https://linktr.ee/malikelassal Watch Malik's full Don't Tell Comedy set: https://youtu.be/Vy96iuq94Ko Doug Ford swallows a bee: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Efy-M8TAPEY Follow The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi on Instagram Get tickets to our live podcast recording in NYC on May 13 https://www.showclix.com/event/the-downside-w-gianmarco-soresi OR come to our live podcast recording in LA at Netflix is a Joke Fest on May 3! https://thecomedystore.com/the-downside-with-gianmarco-soresi/ Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Technical production by Chris Mueller Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by A Real Pain. From Searchlight Pictures comes one of the buzziest films at Sundance Film Festival, A Real Pain. Written, directed, and starring Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg alongside Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin. Witness a hilarious and moving story about two mismatched cousins as they tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th. These look crazy.

It's still spraying. Those things? I got it. It was at your studio. Wait, they're wild or what? No, they always wild or what? No, they always explode. Oh, oh, oh. But what are they?

There's just a lot of B12. It's like a crazy. I got it for free because I was using it at the studios in LA, and I wrote them, and they said it was free. That means you definitely didn't get it for free. But what is B12? Oh! It's a lot. Welcome our new sponsor.

What did you think? It's an intense flavor. It's good, though. Is it good? Yeah. You said, oh. Hurt the fuck up. I don't.

You take that schmutz off. That's disgusting. Yeah, that's gross. I don't want to look at that. Welcome to the downside. I'm chewing gum. Can you take this? No.

Welcome to the downside. My name is DeMarcus Harazi. I'm here with my co-host, Russell One-Stop-Away Daniels. Yeah. Listen, your problem is not with me. It's with the MTA. I leave every day at the same time.

I still allow 10 to 15 minutes to get here early, and I'm always one to five minutes late. It's so precise. That's the frustrating part. Because if it was all over the place, I'd go, well, it's chaos. But in my mind, it's like I can only give an hour and 15 minutes this commute. If it's more, then that's out of my hands.

That's too long to be commuting. You know what I mean? How are you throwing this problem to me? Because I'm saying the MTA says 51 minutes. I allow an hour and 15. That's a 25-minute window. So when it takes longer, and it does, then that's not on me. It's not on you either.

It's just on what it is. I cannot leave my apartment at 2 for a 3.30 in the same city. It feels crazy. If there's any casting directors, directors, producers, just know if you're hiring Russell Daniels, he can't promise to be there at a time. Um, uh, I am here with our guests.

Uh, actually, you know, I've decided to do less research for this podcast. I keep getting complaints about doing too much research. So, uh, what's your name?

What a good way to get out of trying to pronounce my shit. Malik Alassal. Very good. Actually. I know your name. I know your name? What a good way to get out of trying to pronounce my shit. Malik Alassal. Very good, actually. I know your name. I know your name. That's good. That's good. All right.

I'm going to throw this out there. We don't have to do it. I got to take the cans off. I got to take the cans off. Oh, yeah. We're loud. We can turn it down. You guys are screaming.

Yeah. I've just been getting lit up. You looked very uncomfortable when I said, oh, this early in the show? We hope you get uncomfortable by the end. I was trying to figure out if I could do one of the cans off. Yeah, he's loud. You say, I'm so excited to put it. We can turn it down.

I'm excited to put the cans on. Let me try again. We'll turn the cans down. Is that a Canadian thing, cans? I've never said the word cans this much in my life. Me either. I think it's a Joe Rogan thing, I thought. Oh.

Oh, okay. I thought. Good to know what kind of episode we got in store. So what do you think of the vaccine? Okay, so we don't have to do this. Russell is putting his foot on it. I have to film a new promo video. And my idea, it's called the Leaning In Tour.

And this is the third leg of the Leaning In Tour. Oh, like a dick? Come on now. Come on now. So what I want to do for the promo video, for the listeners, you get a little preview, a little spoiler alert. I'm going to be at a gym. I'm looking good.

And I'm doing, it starts close up on my face and you see i pull back i'm working on my lean just my my lean but i'm wearing like the bar and the weights and then every time i lean though uh little bit of uh that third leg shows the penis yeah and i blur it. So it's just like, and then it just, it pulls back and it goes to the third leg. So what gym are you filming this in

that you're going to? Well, I got to figure that out. I'm going to talk to my trainer and say, hey, can we book a session? Yeah. Oh my God. It's a CrossFit gym.

There's no other people there. We'll do it late at night. Sure, there's a lot of space, but I have another question. What are you going to use as the penis material? I'm glad you brought that up. So in that box is... Wait, you're faking it? Sure, there's a lot of space, but I have another question. What are you going to use as the penis material? I'm glad you brought that up.

So in that box is... Wait, you're faking it? You're not using your own dick? Can I be honest with you? Yeah. I don't think their shorts are short enough. I've looked high and low. I don't have the budget for a special effects team. I love imagining you trying out shorts and also, like, filming it to be like,

can I see that? Nope, can't see that. Got to go higher and higher. No, that's not going to play at all. So you got what? What is in here? Can I pull out what's in this box? Please.

You're sure? Yes. Okay. Now, there's also, like, books for Tova. So, like, I just went to UPS to pick it up. God, I hope're sure? Yes. Okay. Now there's also like books for Tova. So like I just went to UPS to pick it up. God, I hope it's in here. We'll see if it's good enough. I'm sorry to my editor

for having to blur this. I see. There are books. There are books. Wait, what books? Oh, Subculture of Ultra. Moshe Kasher is doing our podcast soon. Very nice. Is this it? That's a travel pillow. Is this it? I got a feeling. I got a feeling. Let me see what's going on over here. Can we this it? That's a travel pillow. Is this it? I got a feeling. I got a feeling.

Let me see what's going on over here. Can we get it? Come on, baby. Oh, is it? All right. All right. God. Pack it heavy.

Doc Johnson, pack it heavy. A realistic dildo for packing. Wait, so should we pull it out? Sure. Can I just see the box? packing. Wait, so should we pull it out? Sure. Can I just see the box? Whoa. Oh, my God. So, now, in theory, I'd have to, like, I have to figure out a way to tape this.

And, first of all, I also don't want it to be too big. I'm not trying to, like, brag in the promo. Right. Spread misinformation. You're trying to make it seem real. Yeah, I want it to be, like. I mean, it's almost like You should make it too big

So that people are like Well, obviously Yeah, I mean This is like you're trying to fake Having just a regular sized penis Wait, wait I'm going to pull it out The greatest trick that never ever popped

Oh, man Oh, my God Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Oh, it's soft. Yeah, it wasn't going to be up. Also, what's this color? Why did you not go with white? Are there options?

It was white. This doesn't look that white. I think it'll put it up against your arm. Look at your skin. No, I think it'll... Look at your skin. Put it up against your arm. Look at your skin. Nah, I think it'll play. Okay, well, compare it to the real thing. But wait, I'm confused.

So... What are you confused about? What about this doesn't make any sense to you? Yeah. So you're just putting that in your pants. So it would be...

So, like, here's the pant, and then when I do the lean, it's just... Okay, I see. But you're going to blur it out. Yeah. But you know how... So why do any of this? Because we've all seen comedians when they put blur over, like, a bra,

and you can tell it's a bra. How much did you spend on that? Surprisingly not that much. Really? I was ready. I was ready, If I'm being honest To go into the hundreds But this was

Yeah but this You could have You could have just Blurred over Truly anything I think it would have been fine Then what do you do What do you

It's just Please don't fight over it either What do you What do you After this is done What happens to it? You just leave it around for the next photo shoot? Well, you have a new tier of the Patreon

where you can get your own... This could be a merch. You could sign it. I could sign it. I mean, fuck it. I signed my full name on this monster. Yeah. It says it comes with refresh powder.

Refresh powder. There's a powder... I mean, no one's using this for... There's a cornstarch mix that there's somewhere in there. They're like, if you're going to put it... Smells good. No, I believe you. Well, that's what I'm going to do.

Well, I'm glad it worked out. When this promo gets 43 views on Instagram, you can tell your friends. I know the behind the scenes. That's not as real. That's not as real, Peter. This is the downside. One, two, three.

Downside. Crazy. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerresi. Chris, I forgot to ask. were you comfortable with what just happened? I'm going directly to non-existent HR. Okay, good, good, good.

Oh, yeah. I should have thought about that before you just pulled out. Can we, in post, add you consenting earlier? Oh, yeah, to people who are tuning in. We'll add consent in post. Yeah. You're not going to blur it in the podcast, though.

I think on YouTube, if you join the Patreon, if you have been like, do I join the Patreon? Well, let me tell you, we just pushed you over the line. Boy, do we have a regular-sized penis to show you.

Boy, do we have a flaccid penis to show you. Malik, you probably can't tell tova she always wants me to wear looser clothing yeah you know the name that comes up every time malik says malik she says you gotta dress like malik malik does and i'm currently wearing These first time These pants Stand up Oh yeah wait actually stand up yeah

We got them On Sunday Oh okay I got them recently I didn't like Oh yeah Oh I like these a lot They are looser

It's a nice material as well What is that? Where did you get these? Russell check the back I Where? The Let me wear You have little pants I can't Oh Where? Let me see.

I can see. Jesus Christ. Very intimate episode. Whoa, what's that? No tag even. That's how you know they're nice. Damn. You don't even see a tag on that?

That's nice. I mean, they were not. Did you send out for them? You bought them in a store. We went shopping. Tova's been pushing for this we went shopping Tova's been pushing for this yeah who's been pushing for it I've heard about it she sent me texts yeah yeah and I'm we need your help but your I said to Tova here's my fear what you're younger than me yeah I feel like this is a younger thing but the whole thing is is

to dress older. That's kind of, I feel like the move with the wearing the baggier thing is to kind of... Sure. To me, it feels like it's a little

like of an older, it's a little bit more distinguished, I feel, to wear just like a relaxed garment. How old do you think he is? Because I don't know. 20-something. What the fuck the answer is that?

27, 28? I'm 27. Hell 27 hell yeah wow i'm 27 years old yeah and these are quite big pants i'd say but you know there's no one i i grew up in the era of the skinny jean i felt like i i i worked so hard i did a roast battle way back early and one of the judges said something about where's his ass and it was like it was like the start of a training montage in my head cut to me squatting yeah weights and I finally got an ass and then I date this woman and she says wear a bag on your fucking waist instead of tight pants no one wants tight pants anymore what happened see nobody the thing was is nobody ever asked me that question where's this guy's ass yeah I always had

a very prominent ass and thigh I was never able to even wear skinny jeans at all so I just never even tried sure to do it and I just wore a school uniform at school so I was just like I'm not there wasn't much to think about what uniform were you wearing? Black dress pants. Really? Button down? Button down. Sweater?

Cardigan. Cardigan. Black cardigan. All black? Tie or no? White shirt. Black cardigan. That's severe.

That's a severe. I didn't have any. I went to a school. You're called teacher by the first name. You wore whatever. I was goth. Was this Quaker? I was wearing loose pants.

Quaker. No, DC. Pot. I don't even know Was Quaker? I was wearing loose pants. Quaker. No, D.C. pot. I don't even know what Quaker means. D.C. pot? What are you talking about? It was known as like the drug school in D.C. Private school, D.C., liberal. That's every private school.

Obviously. Uh-huh. I was wearing loose pants because I was goth and I had chains and I had- Wait, you were goth and you wore loose pants? Yeah. Was that- Do goth wear his tight pants? Right?

Maybe in Canada. I think i think no goth in our in our culture in our culture growing up it was big pants for goths oh like jenko jenko yes yes okay i think at some point a goth made a switch sure yes yeah it was kind of a punk thing a little later on was that those skinny jeans were big for them in like 2005 to 10 yeah the skinny jeans and the nightmare before christmas yes yes sleeves and yeah but now i feel like goth could even be your school uniform frankly kind of like a kind of a goth is like the kids who hang around here the fashion week kids those kids who hang around they all just wear like just huge blood they dress like vampires Yes

Yes I mean You see adult goths Every once in a while On the train And I mean It's quite jarring It's very specific

It's I like the black nail polish But they have eyeliner They're usually pale Yes A lot of piercings The older you get Dark hair

When you can start paying For the piercings yourself And you don't need The parents consent They go to town It sucks because It's like when you're an adult It makes actually sense like to be goth

because the world is so fucked up yeah it's like that's the point where you're kind of not allowed to be gone anymore i said you i realized at an age that you know if you wanted to like date women the sadness goes on the inside that's what i learned but when i was in high school it was cool it was cool to be like i went to a camp and and basically this girl who I had a crush on didn't like me, and I was depressed. I went to this party at the camp, and there was this goth girl named Mallory and this goth guy. And he said to her, he's like, hey, you should make out with that kid.

And she was like, okay. And I was like, I'm goth now. That was incredible. We sat down on the bench And she's just We made out And I was like If that's what this is Then yeah let's do it

Because you were so sad Yeah right Or who knows Or they were just They were just like She was goth She was goth She was goth

And you were sad She converted him to goth She converted me He thought goth girls are easy now And so he was like Oh I'll be goth too Like all goth I prefer the word empowered

okay goth girls those gals they were empowered and but what happened is here's the trick that happened is i went to this camp found my goth community i'm like i'm goth now then i started a new high school and i start that new high school like i'm full-on goth no one there is goth so they were like i've always been I've always been so, it's so funny that you were like, you were in a goth community and a goth phase without any of the culture, without any of the music. You had no connection to like,

just music, just pants. You just were like, aesthetically you were goth, but you had no like real goth inside. Hot topic. When they have us, you know what hot topic is?

I know what hot topic is. Okay. So one of us, Spencer's gifts type country, Canada. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there is a crossover. We got Hot Topic now, but we didn't have it growing up.

So what was your. They sell stuff like that, stuff that you have in the box right there. Spencer's Gifts, when I was growing up, was definitely like the naughty store you went to. Naughty, yeah. And they had like drug paraphernalia. Yes. And I wasn't into pot, but, and then they had posters of just like, you know, women looking sexy.

Yeah. Glowing the dark chest gal. They had like pervy, pervy like gifts. They had like, like dirty grandpa cane kind of like stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know, like that kind of thing. Yeah.

Shirts, shirts that were like, yeah, my other asshole's a dick. Yeah. And it's big. Yeah. And that was on the back. And then. And now the president wears a dick. Yeah. And it's big. And that was on the back. And then... And now the president wears that shirt. Yes.

And then for Halloween, they'd have masks. It was an all-purpose store. Yeah, fuck shit. Just whatever. Just crazy stuff. And they would have goth. Hot Topic has also become the anime place now. If you want your manga t-shirts, your Dragon Ball Z t-shirts.

Yes. I always swing by and I see the shirts and I'm like. Just to see the culture, where it's at. Just like a moment to be like, oh, is that nice enough to wear? And then I jump. What? Dragon Ball Z? Dragon Ball Z is kind of hip.

Dragon Ball Z is cool, but you can't be stopping by Hot Topic anymore to see if there's anything for you anymore. Obviously, those days are over. Go to Ralph Lauren. Yeah, what do you mean? Go to the boring stores with the big pants. Yeah. What are you, a fucking NASCAR team for nostalgia?

You don't need to wear all the stuff just because you like it. I often say that to people. I'm a NASCAR team for nostalgia. Where't need to wear all the stuff I am I often say that to people I'm a NASCAR team for nostalgia Where did you get your style from? Me? Old men Just pictures of like my grandpa Pictures of my grandpa

That was a big thing Yeah Was he Canadian? Lebanese So these pictures of him in Lebanon In Lebanon So your fashion sense is old man from Lebanon Old man from Lebanon Okay here Your fashion sense is old man from Lebanon Old man from Lebanon

Okay here's my fashion Old man from Lebanon Pictures of my dad from the 90s when I was a kid And old Chinese guys Okay From where is that picture coming from? That's where you base all your accent work off of Old Chinese guys I just work off of it.

Old Chinese guys, the guys who you see with the cart? Yeah. Remove the cart? That's how I want to dress. You see them on the street and you think... Just around, yeah. Okay. What do you mean the cart?

Like for like... Cans. Cans. Groceries. I'm not... Where'd you get that shirt? I'm not even opposed to the cart I would get the cart too

So do you feel like your fashion sense is you came up with this version or do you think you all have your fucking it's this and it's a Japanese lady I met once in the 70s or do you think you're just

full of shit? What the fuck is going on here? No, I'm just... Just because I said that NASCAR for nostalgia. No, I'm jealous. I'm jealous. I'm trying to learn how to... I've been...

I've improved. I don't really know how. Just go and get whatever you like. Just get what you like. Don't worry too much about it. Thanks. No offense. I'm not, no offense. I'm going to take advice from Alec on the fashion clothes.

You look so comfortable, Russell. Like, this is what I'm saying. I'm so comfortable. Yeah, and that's what he wore yesterday and the episode before that. Exactly. I told you, I like a uniform. I like that for me. That's what my thing is.

You should go to his school uniform. Go black shirt. Black shirt, jeans, every day. Pretty close. That's all. Let me ask you something. Are the skinny jeans comfortable? Well, I'll tell you what's not comfortable

You wouldn't even know anymore What? You know how I like to When I'm on the stool You've seen me do stand up Yeah This is the pose I like to hit You love that

These pants, they get caught It's hard to kick It's hard to kick in these? It's easy in the skinny jeans? No, they pull They pull He's used to wearing tights, basically Tight, yes

Skinny jeans with a little bit of pull When I go up the stairs in this I feel the pull with each step it takes longer to get around these jeans they're not as aerodynamic you're saying yeah and by stand-up relies on the aerodynamic dynamism so did you are you when you look back in your high school are you glad that it was strict? Like, do you think that it gave you a base to rebel against as a comedian? Do you wish you had been able to have more flexibility as a kid? I think I did at the time.

At the time, I definitely wanted to, like, I wanted to go to public school so bad. I wanted to, like, have a prom or... Did you have anything nothing nothing like that what kind of private school is this an islamic school it's not a private school i know nothing about islamic private schools they're not they're not that like people don't really know about them yeah yeah i mean like maybe every city will have like i mean apart from like new york new york probably has like quite a few but like i feel like every city might have one. Really? Maybe. Um, is it genders, uh, separated?

No, we had class together. Um, maybe gym was like kind of separate, but still like kind of together. Um, when we would go, we'd have prayer prayers, like guys are in the front of the women in the back. That's just like the way that it is outside of school. Um, let me just ask with prayer five, with prayer, five times a day? Five times a day. How many during the school day? One a day.

One during the school day. All four fell outside of that? Yeah, there's a morning prayer, which is like, I mean, depends on the time of year. Right now, it's like 5.30 a.m. for the morning prayer, like that. You're doing that one? I wake up for that one sometimes or

I'll hit it right when I wake up. We had Ismail on and we talked to Ismail about he was doing four. He was clocking in at four a day. Four a day. Which one was he missing? Do you remember? I imagine the one that fucking sucked at 5.30 a.m. You can just make it up. You can make it up? You can make it up.

Can you just do back to back? Sometimes I'll hit it back-to-back. Five in a row? Oh, dude. So I've hit five in a row before. That just feels like I'm like, this was just... How long does that take? Half an hour? Okay, so what...

Not bad at all. It's not bad at all. But if you spread it across the day... Yeah, it's quick. It's not that hard to hit five in a day. Six minutes. This Ramadan has been like I've been hitting five a day more than I ever have since school. You can't bank past a day.

You can't like take a day off. I'm going to Hawaii. Let me get all the prayers out of the way today. No, I can't be like I missed. I got to hit my Tuesdays from last week. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, no.

There's no carryover. It's a cut off a day. You get a day. I think. I don't know what the exact rules are about that. I feel like the exact rules are five times separately. I feel like all this, it's like. Oh, you're the authority?

Yeah, I'm the authority. It's just like, it's like with Hasidic Jews where they have the, someone told me recently that Elvis was the, what did they call it? The something goy. The, like when they can't use electricity, he was the guy that would come over and be like, oh, you need to do this. And he'd go and do that.

Oh, really? Did Elvis do that? What? Elvis. Yeah, like not later in his life. Like I don't think when he was famous. When he was growing up. When he was growing up.

And he was known in the neighborhood. I think it's just like the guy in the neighborhood who's willing to talk to you and do favors. But so there's sometimes I hear like the workarounds and I go, okay. But does making up a prayer a little later seem like that big of a workaround? Because I'll give it to you. There are some where it's like, all right, that's a critical, that's kind of. What's one that you go, okay.

Well, that, that's Shabbat when you can't do any of the lights. No, no, that's. Yeah, no electricity. No, yeah, that's Shabbat, I believe. Or it's the Sabbath. From sundown. No, no, it's Shabbat. Shabbat. It's Shabbat. Shabbat.

It's Shabbat. Shabbat. That one I've always been like, okay, I don't really understand that one. I mean, it's nice. It's kind of like a mini Ramadan every week a little bit. Sure, let's put it in Muslim terms so I can understand it. Yeah, it's like a mini Ramadan every week. Yeah, it's just, it's the gathering.

It's the putting the phones away. And it's like, I can appreciate to a degree and then someday i'm making vacation plans with with you know tova and her sister still practices and so she can't travel on this day or if the flight gets delayed into the thing she can no longer get on the flight and i go let's start making some exceptions yeah let's put those prayers together we're going away see this is what i'm saying the our thing is economical and also if you're traveling you can you can kind of stack prayers together yeah if you're traveling you can be like all right i'm you know i can just hit these two together what is the prayer i truly i know very little so I don't mean to be obnoxious with so many questions.

What does it entail? Is it saying a specific prayer? It's saying specific, um, verses from the Quran. Uh-huh. Um, same ones every time.

Some of them are the same every time. And some are just like certain things that you say. Uh, some things from the Quran, some that are just like part of the prayer specifically. And, um, it's like giving glory to God and then it's bowing and it's putting your head on the floor and it's like

just kind of humbling yourself and trying to like ground yourself literally and just being still is how I it's similar to what I do in yoga often every morning and that's more than 30 minutes, I'll tell you that. I'm stacking it up.

Do you do yoga every morning? Two to three times a week. But I'm talking five times a day. Would you do yoga five times a day? One might say I do yoga on stage. Some people say my stand-up is... One might say? One might say. I might say.

I might say on a good day. When was the last time you prayed? Like, really, like, you said, you thought, like, maybe, might as well. Hmm. I think it was in a crisis moment. But as opposed to, God, I wish this fucking line would fucking... No, it would probably have been would fucking, um, no, it'd probably been three years,

three, four years, four years. And do you remember like how, like, do you remember, were you visualized? Cause I don't know what experience growing up with like praying.

So what was your positioning? I was, I was sitting pretty casually. Yeah. Just kind of like, as if like right now you could just easily transition. I could transition into it, but I was sad. It was something was going on. going on so um and it wasn't like a formal prayer it was like one of

those things where you're like i just wish this thing would happen and it or would stop happening you didn't speak in like god i'm asking god no i didn't speak out loud either it was like it was in my head of like i imagine he if there's anything it would hear this. We did. I went to a private middle school, and it used to be Christian. And then it faded away to a degree, but we still did. Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done. Do you know this prayer?

On earth as it is in heaven, give us this day our daily bread. Forgive us those who trespass against us. Forgive us for trespassing as we forgive those who trespass against us as we forgive us for trespassing as we forgive those who trespass against us and deliver us from evil and not to temptation. For thy is the kingdom and the power

and the glory. Hallowed be thy name. Christian prayers always make me feel like vampires are coming. Yeah. I only know that from either movies or when I've gone to a thing and they always say it. They always say that one, right? A big one. I guess so, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I know it somewhat. And let's do the same thing with the Jewish prayer. Okay. Baruch Adonai Eloheinu Melecholam. I've heard this one. A Shereh Kishanah. Yeah. A Mitzvah Tov.

Hanukkah. What? And my turn. Yeah. A mitzvah tov. Hanukkah. And my turn. Yeah, your turn. But the prayers, if you say Christians are like, it's like a vampire is coming, what's like as yours more poetic? It's literally poetry. The Quran is a book of poetry.

Yeah. It's written in like poetic language. And the school, so what was, what did you do? So there were no prom. There was no, was there a school musical? No, dude. There was no theater at all. But what happened was is that there was like a certain teacher that kind of saw something kind of in me

that I was like, there just kept being moments of like... You're praying very theatrically? Oh my God, look at the prayer on him. Wow. I was like praying like in the movie Malcolm X when he prays, like when he really needs it. Yeah. They saw something in you, you know?

Oh, man. No, it was like I kept, there would be like these book reports that we'd have to do. Like we'd do like a To Kill a Mockingbird thing. And they'd be like, we're going to do like some kind of like in front of the class type thing about it and then i would always come in and i have done like way too much compared to the like i would like i'd have an outfit and an accent and oh and all this stuff and then one teacher was like there needs we need to do something for this kid so they tried to do a theater program and they put on this play called uh the paper bag bandit and we tried to put it up and we started rehearsals for it and i was like i was so in and

the other kids they created this whole thing around you at the school basically for me yeah it was it was for me i mean like other kids were involved in it but this was so that i could i wanted it yeah i really wanted it and uh my teacher miss teacher Miss Lee She She tried to make it happen And then At some point One of the Islamic studies teachers Came down And he shut the whole thing down

He's like No No way We're not doing this What There was like a romance aspect Oh romance And she's like

What are we What are we gonna have Like little kids Like kids There was no kiss Or anything like that But it was like Anything like alluding to that

Was that part of the He just put his foot down was that part of the curriculum too like were you not like certain stories or books not allowed or or not really i mean i mean we were like read like romeo and julia in school like we read we would like read plays but then it was was there a value judgment after the fact like and that's why they're dead at the end of this kids no oh like at the end that's why they're dead at the end of this, kids? No. Oh, like at the end of the play? Oh.

Oh, at the end of Roman Julian. Roman Julian, it's a good story about the importance of abstinence. Yeah. I mean, it did not work out for those two at all. Do they have premarital sex? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Buddy, there you go. Yeah. There you go. And they both, you know, kaputs. Kill themselves. And also, like, one thing that is also never brought up is that I think in the play, they're supposed to be, like, 14. 13, 14, yeah. And, you know, when 13-year-old, 14-year-old, oh, my heart.

I'm like, shut the fuck up. You'll be fine. I know. They really should have waited, like, three more days. Like, that story is so romantic. If you had a 14-year-old who was like, I'm going to kill myself if I can't, I'd be like, okay. Okay, well. Oh, we got to keep you away from the poison guy.

What's his name? He's the friar, right? Didn't that guy sold this kid just poison? Well, he sold a sleeping potion that was supposed to wake up or something. So she drank something,

put her to sleep. He found her, thought she's dead. He kills himself. He had his own potion. Yeah, you're right. Wait, I thought it was the other way around. Yeah, something happened. She saw him. I don't remember. Chris? Chris. Can we give a look up? Producer Chris

Muller? Look up the plot of Romeo and Juliet. We have a funny sketch. Very different. Remember how we said at the beginning of the Joe Rogan movie, we have a very different kind of... You pull that up, Romeo and Juliet. Douglas Goodheart wrote a really funny sketch about this whole idea. I remember.

He's like, I want a potion so it makes me seem like I'm dead but not. And I was saying a line I remembered. I played the character who said it. So I want a potion. And he goes, I have a potion. It'll put her to sleep, and then she won't remember a thing. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. That's not what I'm looking for. This friar is definitely selling roofies. Yeah, 100%. She won't remember a thing. And everyone is like, no, no, no. It's OK if she remembers. She's in on the plan.

So were you devastated? First, let me, sorry, no, no, no. It's okay if she remembers. She's in on the plan. So were you devastated? First, let me, sorry, I have to say this. I want you to imagine for a second how theatrical Malik must have been that in, at Islamist private school, they said, we need to make a theater program just because this kid is going explode yeah yeah you must have been coming costumes everything accents overalls southern accent for the to kill a mockingbird oh yeah demonstration and they're like we just wanted you to turn in an essay you didn't have here's my essay yeah here's a mocking Here, hello, mockingbird. I say, I say. I say, yeah.

This man is here. Were you, how deep into the rehearsal process did you get? Probably halfway. Oh, my. Memorized? You were rehearsing it? I was memorizing. Nobody else was, nobody else gave a shit at all.

All my friends were just like. They were like, we're canceling Malek's play. We're just doing it. It basically like a yeah other people were traumatic like did he walk in and go what is this i remember one point he walked in and like it felt like he was barging in on something and i remember like the teacher kind of like it was like a feeling of like she like kind of like was hoping that this would never happen and i I was like, oh, it's not above board. Uh-huh. You know?

And then at some point we just found out that the teacher was just like, she just had to tell us. She's like, he put a stop to it. How upset were you? Did you cry? I don't think I cried. I don't think I was able to yet. Was that your sixth prayer that day?

I threw it up. I threw a curse in there. That would be devastating. No, I was devastated. I remember I threw it up. I threw a curse in there. That would be devastating. No, I was devastated. I remember I was really sad. And then... In that moment, did you think,

oh, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do it one day when I'm out of this fucking school. I started going to community theater while I went to the school. I called the theater company, I think, that year. And I just was like,

can I audition to be a part of it year And I just was like Can I audition To be a part of it So while I was going To Islamic High School I went And I auditioned At this place called Calgary Young People's Theater

And I did the Count of Monte Cristo there That was my first play ever I actually went through with And you Did you love it? I loved it So you were real

Because Paige told me The one thing Paige told me to ask Is about your theater kid days. You must have talked about it with her. Yeah, we had mentioned it, yeah. I was Fernand in The Count of Monte Cristo. I don't know that one very well. I don't know that.

Any others? I was Moriarty in Sherlock Holmes. Oh, that's a good role. That was a good role. I just know it from the BBC version, but I know, who played it in the BBC. It was amazing.

David Tennant? No, no, no. It was Andrew Scott. Oh, my God. And that was coming out as I was playing him. So I was like, I remember feeling like I can't watch what he's doing. I don't want to come.

I don't want to come. I remember those days where you're like, I can't possibly. 19 years old being like, I don't want to copy his performance. Yeah. Is Andrew Scott the guy from Fleabag? Yeah.

Oh, my. Incredible. I need to go back because I saw that before I saw Fleabag. Yeah. It's amazing. Oh, Fleabag.

You watch Fleabag? I haven't seen it yet. No, I've seen just the pilot. Oh, wow. Watch Fleabag. Oh, it's so good. I think about it all the time. So, yeah.

So, I was Moriarty, but the way that it was put into the play think about it all the time. Um, so yeah, I, so I was, I was Moriarty, but the, the way that it was, it was put into the plays that I was the narrator for the whole play. And then you didn't know who I was. And then by the end, it's revealed that I've been Moriarty and I've been pulling the strings.

Oh my God. I'd be mad as the audience would say, what the fuck? Wow. I don't trust anything you were saying. A twist, a twist. This is bullshit.

A to C? So it's just such an interesting, for me, school gave me theater, and you had two completely separate worlds. When you finished school, what kind of college? Did you go to college for theater? No. No, I went to college, university for like a semester

and then I dropped out and then would do stand-up and then would try to go again and then dropped out again. I just kept kind of being like, I don't know if this is going to be the thing. I don't know if I can going to be the thing. I don't know if I can. Or I would want to do something to make my parents happy or not worried.

Just get something on paper so that I had something. What did they think of your theater? They did not like it at the time. They didn't want it to be happening. They didn't know how to handle it. Did they see you in the show? They saw The Count of Monte Cristo. And what did they say after?

I remember them just being like, yeah, good, yeah. Like, they just didn't know what, none of it was like, there's no frame of reference. They weren't able to be like, wow, you're really good. They were just like, mm-hmm, you did it. Just the whole thing, I think, made them very uncomfortable at the time. Yeah. Being out and seeing, first of all, seeing a play for the first time in your think, made them very uncomfortable at the time. Yeah. Being out and seeing,

first of all, seeing a play for the first time in your life, and then your son is in it. Yeah. And it's like you never really thought that your son would be in a play or doing anything like this. It was just the whole thing

was very jarring for them at the time, and they just had no idea what I was doing. I think they were just worried about me. Yeah. The feeling I think that they had was that they were worried about me after. So theater was not ever a part of their lives? No.

No, they moved. They're immigrants from Lebanon. Does Lebanon not have a version of theater? No. Was theater a part of your parents' lives? Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah.

My mom saw stand-up comedy. My mom saw Broadway shows. She was a New Yorker. She grew up in Long Island. She was a New Yorker. She was a New Yorker. She grew up in Long Island. She was a New Yorker. She was a New Yorker. It wasn't a part of my parents' family. I'm sure they saw things here and there,

but they weren't active or going a lot. When they saw you on Broadway, did they know what to do? Did they sit in the chair right? I don't know. Yeah, no, they'd seen a lot of plays by then. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah, no, my parents are from like a village in Lebanon.

So there was not. When did they, they met in the village, moved here to Canada together? Yeah. They got married there. The village is like 2,000 people, maybe less. Oh my God. There's like a well. There's like a well in the middle of the town.

Like it's like a village. Were they each other's first boyfriend, girlfriend? Yeah. They just, yeah, they just got married. It's a village. You can't, you know, you can, they just got married. It's a village. You can't be playing the field. It's a small field. People are talking.

No, there is no playing the field. There's just like you like somebody and then you go talk to their parents. How old were they when they got married? How old were they? My dad was probably like 25. My mom was probably like 21 or 22 okay yeah and they why did they move to canada my uncle lived in canada my uncle lived in winnipeg um my great uncle my mom's uncle and he um he had like a garment factory in winnipeg

and so they had just moved there because they just knew somebody. It was really just to kind of like, just to work. There's not like a lot of work over there. There's not like a really big life you could make for yourself. So yeah, like the opportunity.

I think whenever I hear those stories though, it's just like to immigrate to certain places. Now you got to get the lawyer to do the green card thing. It's just like To immigrate to certain places Now you gotta You gotta get the lawyer To do the green card thing It's so complicated And I'm like To get the resources

In a village of 2,000 people Unless Canada at the time Was like more open to it Or there was a I don't know Lebanese community There was a Lebanese community There was

There were Lebanese people around That kind of like Absorbed my parents And they had like Yeah my uncle And Did they work in garment There were Lebanese people around that kind of absorbed my parents. And they had my uncle. Did they work in the garment industry as well? My parents? Yeah.

My mom worked there while she was pregnant with me. My mom and my dad both worked at this leather factory in Winnipeg. In minus 50, I don't even know what that is, Fahrenheit weather. Just brutal winter. Wait, what Fahrenheit? Oh, you don't know what it is? I don't know what 50 Celsius is like. Sorry, first of all, did you figure out Romeo and Juliet? Yeah.

He went to an apothecary. And then which one was pretending to be dead first? Juliet. That's what I'm saying. And then Romeo killed himself. And Romeo killed himself and then she woke up and she was like, oh God, and then she killed herself. But then there himself And then she woke up And she was like Oh god And then she killed herself

But then there was But a drop of Yes yes And she took a little bit Of the poison And then What's 50 Celsius I'm getting there

Thank you No no no It's probably 50 Fahrenheit And Celsius It's What are you thinking No 50

50 Celsius It's hot 40 No that's cold It's cold. It's Canada. What are you? Cold.

No, I don't know. I don't know. Very cold. It says negative 58 Fahrenheit. Oh my God, your parents died. Your parents died. You can't survive in that. I mean, I would just go way up.

Fahrenheit makes no sense. I think that's what that's the version of our parents. We walked 10 miles to school. I'm serious. We worked at negative 50 Fahrenheit. Fahrenheit just doesn't make any sense. No, it doesn't make any sense. We didn't have to kill the cows.

They were already dead. We just peeled the skin off of them. There was barely any leather. Yeah. Yeah, it got really cold. I went to school. I was up by Canada, and it would be negative 40 or so with chill and stuff.

Awful. It's crazy. Yeah. At New Balance, we believe if you run, you're a runner, however you choose to do it. Because when you're not worried about doing things the right way, you're free to discover your way. And that's what running's all about. Run your way at newance.com slash running. What do Ontario dairy farmers bring to the table?

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Visit milk.org to learn more. Yeah. Miss Canada? Where in Canada was this? You said Winnipeg. This is Winnipeg, so that's where I was born. I was born as a baby. Learn more. I went there Did you go there Or did you go to Edmonton You son of a bitch Cause I know where you go I I know where you go I stopped at Calgary

On the way to Edmonton Did you And I did a one nighter Where At the Laugh Shop You did the Laugh Shop The Laugh Shop Shout out to Matt

From the Laugh Shop Shout out to Matt And it was The hotel was called The Hotel Blackfoot Blackfoot And And can you imagine

What joke I made About Justin Trudeau? Blackface. I said, he doesn't stay here. He stays with a black face. Just killed. Brilliant. Oh, how they laughed and laughed and laughed. Oh, how they laughed and laughed.

It's so sad. I mean, I try to more do jokes about how with Canadians, that's like, that is all I know. Is that Rob Ford smoked crack. Oh my God. Such a sick guy die. He's dead.

Oh he's dead. Oh man. His brother his brother's the premier now. Really. His brother and his brother swallowed a bee.

Chris can we pull that. We're not at we're not at the level of your mom's house yet. He really. That's the dream. I want to screen right

here and we pull up OK but OK if you're watching it, go look up Doug Ford swallows a bee during a press conference. Oh my God. He curses, right?

He just goes, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, JFL New Faces. He was... Yeah, he had everything. JFL New Faces. He was going to Moon Tower. He was... Wow, he really... He was on a track, yeah. Shame what happened to him. Wait, but what did happen to him?

I think he just passed away. He was a crack addict. He was fucking cracking, hanging on to the projects. He had a heart attack. Oh, okay. Heart exploded. Okay.

Exploded. Okay. His heart exploded. Do Canadian comics Do they go Another Justin Trudeau Blackface joke I'm gonna kill myself No well they do it

All the time They do it too They do it all the time Everybody does it It's been out for a long time It has been And also it's annoying When something becomes

Like so commonplace like that Because it is like Kind of the craziest story ever That the prime minister Has multiple pictures Of him in blackface. That's the funny part. Listen, one, come on.

Let he without sin cast the first stone. We're all fire kids here. But Justin Trudeau, it was like one after another. Yeah, it was a lot. Darker with each picture that went by. Some of them, it's like, this is not even, the penis wouldn't even match. The skin tone is not even...

And what's funny about it is it wasn't... I don't know if it was worse or better. It wasn't even Halloween. It's just like someone's wedding. You're like, what are you doing, man? It also wasn't just like, I put this on. It was like, I sat down in a makeup chair and spent $100. You hired somebody. It's full body. Even if I lift up my shirt,

it's covered there, too. Yeah, he had like a turban with a jewel There's a lot of people It wasn't just blackface, brownface as well Disney did the makeup for it It was a diversity of blackface That's his That was his cover It's just so funny

To think about How little you know about other countries. And, like, you know, I'm sure everyone in Canada had complex thoughts about Trudeau. But from the outside, there was a while where it was like, he's cool, he's liberal, funky socks. And then it was like, oh, no, he did blackface. And that's it. And that was like what, you know. There's very, like, few things that few things that break through to America from Canada.

It's Rob Ford smoking crack and it's Trudeau doing blackface. You have to do something crazy for you guys to hear about it. Yeah. We hear about all your shit. Yeah. We know about everything that happens in America. That's what's amazing, touring as an American stand-up comedian. You can get some other things.

Yeah, you can go to Canada. I go to Europe. Be like Nancy Pelosi. And then everybody's like, oh my God. I can say Roe v. Wade in Europe. And they go, they go, yeah.

If you were here and you were like in the middle of a bit, you're like, and Jagmeet Singh is doing this, this and that. Nobody knows what that,

that's the leader of the NDP party. I know. I've seen your set. I, uh, my whole set is Canadian politics, provincial humor.

Let me tell you, that's a fun bit. Tragically hip. If you ever want to do... That's a Canadian thing? Yes. See? What?

Naming Canadian things. He's just naming Canadian things now. See, this is... I don't like this. I don't like that. If you want to do my show, if you want to do my show, and you have permission to bomb your ass off if you do completely Canadian-specific political material. But act like everybody just knows what I'm talking about.

Yeah, like lean into it with the same way that I do. He says at the hotel, blackface, like that kind of like, you're confident. Like lean into it like a 1980s comedian. Yeah, my act, a 1980s comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to think of some NDP material. Sure.

You could make it up, and we'd go, well, we wouldn't know. That was a good line. Yeah. I wonder what Jack Layton would have thought of that. That would be a big punchline. I'm telling you. Jack Layton's probably rolling in his grave right now. Passed away.

Then is your tag. It's the information we needed to understand the joke. He's dead. I needed that like a bee in the guy's mouth. You got a bee in his mouth at a conference. What am I, a bee during a Doug Ford press conference?

He swallowed a bee. You have my, you have my, like, you can come on and bomb and I won't, I won't then,

I won't then be like, hey, you really ate shit out there and I'm done booking you. No, people will laugh if you frame it like that. That's very funny

to just do it and then be like, yeah, you know, like talking about trying to fit in at some party and be like, I felt like i felt like uh justin trudeau trying to wear a you know wearing a sari to diwali he wore indian clothing to diwali he wore traditional indian clothing to diwali how has it been moving to new york how you doing? Good. How long have you been here?

Two months. Wow. From Canada. From Canada. Right from Calgary. Calgary to here. Is there anything you noticed about just interacting with people here? There's a stereotype of Canadians being polite, and I've been in Canada long enough to go, no. No. They're not polite.

There's just less people. Sure. There's just less. Yeah,'s just less yeah there's less bumping into it but when i went to when i went to paris yeah i was they were rude i was shocked i saw people like bumping into other people yeah with not an excuse me in sight and i was like like oh that's real yeah well on a smaller scale, Montreal, as long as we're talking about the French, incredibly rude in Montreal. Really? You didn't feel that when we were in Montreal together?

I felt a tinge of it when I was there. You did? Incredibly rude. I did. I felt like there were, well, my main thing was there was just certain things where it was like, it was surprising how short, and you know know we're in new york we're used to that kind of thing but it was short in a different way it was short in a like a like that kind of like this kind of way it's so dismissive of like if you don't speak french which is like it's so clear

yeah that it's not obvious that i would speak french i went into a place and i was like can i have a cup of coffee and they're like pardon i'm like coffee coffee coffee yeah you know what you know what i'm saying yeah yeah they were like yeah also? I'm like, coffee. Coffee. Coffee. You know what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were like, yeah. Also, they didn't take American Express. Makes sense. But also, I was not planning on that.

I did think it was rude that not more of them showed up for our live podcast taping. Yeah. That was a bit of a slight. Yeah, that was pretty rude of them. Yeah. I don't find there to be, like, There hasn't been like a huge Like transition for me Cause I kind of Like I think I just always wanted to live here

I think I was always like Thinking about New York And always like You know Ever since I saw Spider-Man as a kid I was like I just gotta live in New York You know That was the movie that did it

Spider-Man Spider-Man Where half the city is destroyed In a fight Yes Yeah I was like I wanna want to join that fight. There's a thing going on around now.

There's some guy who apparently has been punching people. Just in the back of the head. Not a Spider-Man. No, no. We need Spider-Man to stop him. Wouldn't it be funny if that was the movie where instead of a big bad, it's a villain who's a goblin who flies. It's just a guy who just keeps punching women

in the back of the head and then running away. And Spider-Man keeps trying to, he can't figure it out. He can't figure it out. Yeah. I hate any time in New York where there's a thing like this subway slasher or now this puncher. It's like, don't even tell me about it.

I know. There's just somebody with a knife. Don't even punch and be surprised by it. Because they keep texting Tova. Because, you know, it's like, it's always the women are on their phone. Like, get punched and be surprised by it. Because they keep texting Tova because, you know, it's like, it's always the women are on their phone. Yeah.

Like that seems to be what it is. They showed where it was happening. It's right by Del Roth Theater. They did like a square of it. It's by Union Square. They sent Tova another one

where it was like a picture of our apartment. No, yeah. It's like here. Yeah. Let me tell you. Let me tell you something. If this,

you want to catch this guy? If this guy punches Tova, Tova is going to beat the shit out of him. Tova is going to beat the shit out of him. Tova is going to beat the shit out of him. And then me for not starting it. Not stopping him. Tova is not to be fucked with. Tova, oh.

She, before we knew each other, she was a guy on the subway, grabbed her phone and ran. And she chased after him, tackled him to the ground, and got the phone back. And in the process, one of her contacts fell out, and we're pretty sure this is when her night terrors started. So that, honestly, if there's one thing that would get me to leap into action, it would be like, oh, my God, this guy's about to make the night terrors even worse.

I got to step up to the plate or maybe get rid of him just like you know knock him loose knock him loose but you know like sometimes something happens

and then you're like boom other way don't tell Tova about this guy no I'm kidding Tova you don't spend enough time on your phone

when you're walking down the street I feel like I keep texting you and you're not looking. I text her all the time. What about not that? What was funny is I was Googling the article for this guy and it was like there was another guy five months ago who was just punching ladies.

Really? In the history of New York. Different guy? You think the first guy is like, that guy's still in my moves. Yeah, there's a sequel, Spider-Man 2. The puncher returns. Oh my God. I don't like it. It's like,, Spider-Man 2. The puncher returns. Oh, my God.

I don't like it. It's like, because then, remember, there was that slasher for a while on the subway. Yeah. Slashing people. Well, there's a comedian, Doug Smith, where he's, like, tried to stop someone, and he slashed his face.

Oh, my God. He got a really good chunk out of it. Did he? For stand-up, yeah. Worth it. Can we talk about your Don't Tell set for a second? Sure. So his Don't Tell set was the day of your Broadway debut.

Oh, my God. And what day was that? That was October 7th. Yeah, it was, wasn't it? October 7th. And it was so funny. Big day for the two of us. Huge day for us. Huge day. Yeah, it was, wasn't it? It was October 7th. And it was so funny. Big day for the two of us. Huge day for us.

Huge day. Yeah. We did... I'm going to keep the super vague about JFL. And we can cut it if you hit it. But it was so funny. Oh, we don't have to be vague. I mean, we'll see.

Yeah, we can be vague about the person, I guess, the individual. You're welcome to say whatever you like. Okay, I'll think about it. You had some great... Your JFL set was great. Thank you. And you had a chunk.

You had two chunks in specific that related to the Jews. There was the death to all Jews part. No, okay. I'm just kidding. No, there was... There's nothing about Jews. There was the death to all Jews part. No, okay. I'm just kidding. No, there was... There's nothing about Jews. No, it was about Kanye.

About Kanye and what he's... But it related to the... I say it related to the Jews. I think of it, yeah. But it was just about how defending Kanye used to be a Kanye defender. We have to make this clear

of what I said. We're going to do a link to the set. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Off the top set. I'll summarize it. Are you crazy? Are you nuts? Are you trying to kill me?

You started the set with one of your characters where you came out with a... The Muslim Jew. The Muslim Jew. Go see the set. We're going to put the set in. Yeah, watch the set. Did you watch it?

Not yet. I sent you one thing to watch before... And I wanted to meet him first and then watch it. Yeah, yeah. Watch the set. You have to be fresh. But ultimately the punchline is, so I still listen to Kanye West sometimes. Yes.

And it was very, it was because, tell me if I get this right. Your grandma, when living in Lebanon, at some point there was some IDF people doing some kind of practice with military weapons. Yes. And they fired a missile through her window into the kitchen, and it didn't go off. Into the home, just went all throughout the house, bopped in and around, bumped into things, and then eventually just stopped.

Oh, my God. And not like a cute bumping, like a cartoon. No, destroying things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't like... No, it was like Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. No, it was like smashing through walls.

Yes. And then stopped on the ground and then they like heated up the whole floor so they had to like put sand on the floor to like be able to walk in

to go and get it and then took it outside. Hold up, hold up. It heated the whole it was so hot that like what kind of floor? Like tiles and just Probably just concrete. And they had to like pick it up thinking My grandma just picked it up. She was like pregnant kind of floor like tiles and and just probably just concrete and they

had to like pick it up thinking my grandma just picked it up she was like pregnant my grandma picked it she's pregnant with my uncle she just picked up the missile oh what the fuck i know we were next to a car that was on its side we drove by an accident and i was scared that car was going to explode yeah a lot of missile i'm not touching that thing. Oh my god. She went and got it. I think her and then somebody else they both picked it up and took it outside. And then the IDF just came by and they were like sorry about that.

They just took it and then they left and then they went back. And the punchline is so I still listen to Kanye sometimes. So when Kanye comes on I don't shut it off. Which by the way, to be fair, nobody does. Nobody does. The playing of Kanye did not change one iota.

Unless it's the new stuff. This was before the new stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before the new stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was before the new stuff. Yeah, the thing I said before that, it was that he said all these things,

and I was like, this better be a great album. I mean, which is not the case. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no. This better be a good album. Which it has, yeah. This better be a good album. Which it has not been. No. There are a couple tracks on there which make me go, all right, whatever.

Really? A couple tracks. I got to try to listen to it. It's not the same for me. Yeah, put your biases aside. I promise you, I'm able to listen to Kanye with an open heart and an open mind. But it was just funny.

There was a person uh of jewish descent who an older older woman we'll say oh i know who it is you know who it is yeah an older jewish woman from new york but i took great issue with my set did she did she tell you well by the way let me just let me just say let me just say like fully jokes aside uh there is nothing in this set i say far far it was it's perfectly constructed the logic of it and there's nothing no i'm very you tell a story about a thing that occurred that occurred and i was very careful to be like i don't want this to bother I don't want anybody to misconstrue this as anti-Semitism

I was very careful about doing it of just being like this is a joke about sort of like and I know this is like a woo woo but it's like moral clearance like this thing happens to you so I feel like I can do this sure and it wasn't it wasn't even on

for my money it wasn't even on, for my money, it wasn't even on the line in terms of like, of like, I didn't think so. It wasn't. What was the issue? What was her issue?

I remember the Kanye line. I just remember one time there was just like a, that's a terrible joke. And it wasn't like the quality of the joke, but like that you'd still listen to Kanye

is a terrible thing. And I was like There's Kanye playing right now In the green room Yeah But Do you have a discussion Was there

Was there ever like A discussion period Not a real discussion Not a real discussion Because you told me After the fact that she had Because I would be Out of the room

And she would be backstage Listening to my set And I found out After the fact That she would just be Making such a stink Every night Really

About my set About I never saw her go off Too she would just be making such a stink every night really about my set I never saw her go off too much but there was every night she would the first night I got in the back she was like

oh Jesus Christ and then I gotta say her whole set after that and I don't think that it was initially supposed to be that way was about Israel

she did her whole I had like a chunk of it oh yeah yeah yeah do you remember her whole set was like it's a democracy

I don't want to do the voice too much, but. I mean, I don't know how you could have done it any more than you already did, but I feel like I made your English class in high school. She, no, but what I thought was so, and by the way, this was before, this was before October 7th. This was all before.

So I don't even know what I could have been talking about. Nothing ever happened before October 7th. So I must have even know what I could have been talking about. Nothing ever happened before October 7th. I don't know what I even was referring to. What could I have been talking about that she was upset about? This all started on October 7th. I wonder what she was even mad about back then. But it was so funny because I feel like even the material about Israel, and this was with a lot of liberal Jews in New York,

where it's just like, listen, Netanyahu is a fascist, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I go like, well, if the head of the thing is a fascist, then clearly there's no way you can just be like, well, the enterprise is okay. We'll take care of the fascist later. But I think like, especially because Netanyahu was friends with Trump, there was very much a full on where liberal Jews would go, fuck Netanyahu was friends with Trump. There was very much a full on where liberal Jews would go fuck Netanyahu. And then suddenly there was no like even squaring of like, well,

then it is strange to support the person like you, like you wouldn't expect someone who hated Trump outside of America to then be like pro Trump. It was, it was very frustrating. It was insane. Yeah. It was like a,

such a cognitive distance of you just couldn't talk to this person about it. And it's so quick to all of a sudden being like, well, if Moss was in control, they would throw you off a building. And you're like, what are you talking about? Where do we even get to that?

Where do we even get to anyone being like... It's just like a wild... Go and wear that skirt over there and see what happens. Just as a degree of like, it's just like a wild jumping lock. Yeah, it was very much like go and wear that skirt over there and see what happens. Yeah, just as a degree of like, okay, well, what about, you think the missiles

that were being sent from Israel over there were not hitting the gay people at all either? Yeah. You think it was, they were there No, they were just

in the closet at that point. Sure. They need some time. They need some time. They need some time. But so it was, it was, you need a closet

to come out of. You can't destroy a whole building. There's no closet to come out of at that point. They need some time. They need some time. But so it was... You need a closet to come out of. You can't destroy a whole building. There's no closet to come out of at that point. Of course. Yeah. I saw it was Sridhar who we had on. He said this was when they were talking about there were 40 beheaded babies,

which there has been shown to be no evidence of this particular thing. But he had the tweet that said, do you think when a bomb is dropped in a building that the baby's head stays on the body? I know. Well, this is the thing that comes, that is very, like,

it happens every time, and it's America, and it's Israel as well, which is, like, these people are killing people like animals, not in the beautiful way that we kill people. Yes, not in the nice, clean, sort of rich way that we do it. Where we just kind of dissolve their whole being in one second.

And we don't have to be there to do it. We can sit comfortably. And there's no profile pieces. There's no profile pieces. There's no here, well, here, watch the interview with this person who went through that because they're fucking dead. Yeah.

So it's just like your entire intake of the world is one-sided. And obviously it was so complicated after october so like like there were people that like like the flyers was like yeah like the flyers was such a gigantic i would say five days after it was complicated uh-huh i would say five days after the the it happened that was like the only time where i've ever ever like felt like okay this is actually complicated sure because when people were like it's complicated over there it never was to me the five days after october 7th i'm like this is a complicated time and then since then it's not yeah yeah it's not again of course of course i think the bottom line is that if if

you have to be willing to say if you don't, if you think it's complicated still, or if you think like, oh, well, Israel's just doing what it needs to do. You have to at least admit, and I think you should have to admit publicly, that you don't value life equally. And the problem is that people, their whole existence, they would go, of course I value life equally. I'm like, you cannot say that and then look at these numbers and these things. It's impossible. You cannot look at the numbers and then try to talk to me about,

well, what about the hostage? You're like, what are you talking about? And obviously, there's hostages on both sides. Of course we need to get rid of Hamas. I'm like, the thing that you're saying is not like a thing that you're going to get rid of an ideology or a group. No, there's always caveats.

Well, you admit this thing, and then we can start talking about it, where it's just to kind of dissolve your whole argument so that you've kind of already knelt. You've kind of already... Exactly. You've kind of already – Exactly. You've kind of already gave them your hand. So you have to say about the hostages, of course, free the hostages.

Of course, free the hostages. Of course, free the hostages. I don't see actions being taken by Israel to make that happen at all. And the trajectory happened like you would assume where it basically was like there were people very – it was like, well, they got to defend themselves. And then gradually it's like, well, and look here,

the numbers are going up. People are dying, people are dying. And then, and then gradually people are making more in America, at least are getting frustrated. And it's just like, yeah, this is exactly the trajectory.

And then you're going to look back and you're going to go, Jesus Christ. I've, I never said we should do this. The, the, the, the changing of the thing too

imagining in like 10 years when people are like wow that was awful what are you talking about people were saying it was awful and it was a mass thing to get people to shut the fuck up in every single level and it's just maddening because it's

it's a really crazy time Emil Joaquim's joke about it I want to quote. Quote it. I love Emile. He said, if you're ever wondering on how you should feel on an issue in the Middle East, just don't take the side that America's on. Very simple.

Sure. 0 for 30. Yeah. In the region. Yeah. Really? Shout out to Emile. Yeah.

So When you So you were gonna do A lot of the set That I saw For this Don't Tell I What you see in my Don't Tell set

Is exactly what I planned to do Yeah I woke up that morning And I The day before that I was already gonna Tell these jokes about Israel You can't

This is a big deal Don't Tell set You just You're gonna move to America I just I just got an American visa It's my first american thing it's my first like actual professional american job in comedy and it's like you know don't tell taping this is like this is essentially can can do sort of what the tonight show used to do you know yeah it's a very big thing you know

it's a night show oh wait let's run that back I don't want to poo-poo the Tonight Show. No, no, no. Oh, my God. Oh, too late, buddy. This is the poo-poo on the Tonight Show podcast. No, no, no. We love the Tonight Show. No, no, no.

I meant that Don't Tell is very successful. But the Tonight Show used to be you'd have a sitcom after it. And maybe. And maybe. I guess maybe my Don't tell set was good enough. I just don't understand. But he does a brilliant thing in the clip that I asked you to watch before you came here is after he does the set,

before he does his closing joke, he, he remarks on the fact of feeling of seeing October 7th that day and being like, but my don't tell set. And it's so, it's so, it so it was so uh it's kind of like you had to do something but it was so brave to do in a taping i know that yeah it was to do

i mean a charged moment it was a charged moment but also like you you had to i wanted to say something about how like that that was like we're at're at a turning point in kind of it felt like the world and because of just what happened to be like that it was a day that I had to do something that I woke up and saw it and I was like oh no like for me I was like oh no oh my god

and it was so smart when you you had thought before you went on like okay I'm going do that i'm gonna reference you're serious yeah really a full-on in the moment i'm serious yeah you didn't ask any you didn't say you didn't call a friend and go like fuck dude do i have to like do a line no because i know i didn't i didn't talk to anybody that day i was just it was a very sad day until the taping and then like nobody knew what was going to happen and i was like i don't even know if i'm going to

do this joke and then if i'm just going to get dead silence from people but i think people absolutely it could have happened i was like i'm just going to go for it and then i just kind of think like everybody had been like so on like the edge of their seats that day about like just wondering what what was going on and then i just like i kind of remarked on the issue as as it's always been the issue yeah just kind of as it's always sort of been in that region of like yeah kind of what has been always happening and then i think like i i felt that it went well like and like literally in my relief i kind of had that little that riff yeah of like thank god it was so good can i tell you i was so in my head about having because i was surprised i was going on that day

You riffed that line in the middle of the second act Shut up From the river to the sea Broadway will be free Shut up But I was so surprised that I didn't I was so panicked in looking at my script I didn't look at the news at all

I didn't know anything had happened until After I had performed You texted me something about it and i was like what is he talking about and i like went on twitter i was like oh what did i take no idea oh i'll tell you later but you text me something but also in the show i was in there was all these references that then over the next two weeks were super weird because it was like a joke of like um a joke in the show that it's these two guys putting on a show and it's set in old and German times. And the joke was that it's about Gutenberg,

the guy who invented the printing press. Nothing to do with Germany. Very silly, though, to be clear. Very silly. But they were like, for this show to be important, we also have to work in some important issues. Yeah. And like the Holocaust.

And so just as a joke. So like a punchline throughout the show. Just as a joke. Throughout the show, every once in a while, they'd remind you and they'd have like a little Nazi character

come in and be like, I hate Jews. She was wearing a hat. And she wore a hat that said, I hate Jews. And so, and I'm playing this girl.

That said, I hate Jews? No, sorry. It says a little Nazi girl or a little, they changed it. They changed it from Nazi girl to anti-Semite?

Isn't that funny? Yeah, and actually that was worse. So then they went back to Nazi. Oh, it's so funny. It went from Nazi to anti-Semite. And then they were like, actually, anti-Semite is less funny now than Nazi. So they went back to Nazi. This whole brainstorming is racist.

I know, I know. But that whole thing of the show, which was a day before everyone laughed at, cause you're far enough removed from it was then now this weird thing, but I didn't feel it when I went in, but I, you didn't feel it that day of like, not that day, but then when I would watch the show that next week, I was like, Oh, they're going to have to make some, and they made some adjustments to make it work but yeah yes yeah yeah really I mean go back to well I remember thinking in rehearsals because they changed it way before October 7th to to anti-semite and I was like I was like I just don't think

it'll pop as funny as Nazi because Nazi feels farther away you don't want to be that guy you don't be the Nazi guy like yeah you're already fighting for it yeah. Guys I think we should we should yeah I think we should yeah yeah man oh man I just I just knew my my only experience of like the days after and still to a degree but certainly the first three months was, if I just said, so I'm Jewish, like some audience members would be like, woo! Really?

It was just like, I was like, no. How do you say no to the woo? No, not that energy though. Yeah, because it is like, yes, but also. It was, there was a show, I might have brought it up here, where I did a show in Point Pleasant Beach, and at some point in the USA,

are there any Jews here or something? And there were like two. And it was like an area where there's not a lot of Jews. And frankly, an area near a Hasidic community where I'm sure this area says horrible things about that Hasidic community. And these two Jews came up to me after the show, and it's just the immediacy with which they assumed, you know, we were both hurting right now.

And they were like, I was so scared the whole show that someone was going to scream, free Palestine. And I wanted to be like, well, I almost did towards the end. It's like you were almost like, you were right there with them for a second. It's like, yeah, of course there's this collective... Especially in that space. And in that space... What would have happened to you in that moment? You ultimately would have been at a show and fine.

Well, no. I think it was that mix of they were... Again, I'm not feeling pity for these people, but it's like in that space they were the the uh they were the only jews there and probably community they were they might not feel comfortable yeah and then but it was in that moment where they saw me and they go oh oh cool and it's like immediately i i that feeling of just being like no we're not uh-huh wait which town was this? Point Pleasant. I think it's called Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey.

Point Pleasant Beach. It's very funny to be worried about somebody, because I imagine there's not a lot of Palestinians there being racist to them. No. This is like that one person who tweeted. I don't think the issue is with Palestine. Eve Barlow, who's like this, she's a Scottish Jew on Twitter. Oh, yeah.

I only know her by her nickname. Yeah, Eve Fartlow, where she tweeted that, like, my friend saw a sign that said free parking and saw it said free Palestine. The Jews are tired. That's one of the worst tweets of all time. It's one of the worst thoughts of all time. It's one of the worst things I've ever seen.

It's one of the worst human beings of all time. And especially in the arts, because, especially with, like, you can tell when someone's, like, using it for clout. Yeah. And it becomes, like, because especially with like, you can tell when someone's like using it for clout. Yeah. And it becomes like just the worst, the worst thing. She was like over in Israel, like going through like the homes of the hostages and being like tweeting at like Damon Auburn from Blur and the Gorillas being like, Damon, he had a Gorillas

poster in his room. Please, can you please tweet free the hostages? And it's like, you just want Damon Albarn to tweet at you. Yeah. Eve Barlow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eve Barlow. She's our guest next week.

With Debra Messing. With Debra Messing. You know what's so funny, though? And I don't mean this as an attack, because I do the same thing. Whenever we have a guest on that we're're not a hundred percent certain of their views on this. I know we dance around. We,

we, yeah, it's funny. No, I know. It's funny. Well, it's also,

we have, don't talk about it or you know, no, we go, we go, we're trying to tell a story yesterday or recently, feel them out and feeling them out in the way of like, but saying it, there's no way to

not say it because it came up a few times um but it's not as it was not as direct as it should be at this point yeah and i you know there's times i wimp out and i and i you know i look at myself and i go i'm allowed to wimp out oh yeah i'm allowed to in a good yeah yeah yeah there was there was something i'll tell you off the, I'll tell you off the thing. Oh, yeah. Where it was just like, listen, I'm not going full wimp out. I'm not waving the Israeli flag or anything, but I'm certainly just going, ah, it's wild.

Yeah, there's certain people it's not worth even talking to them about, and there's certain people that it's worth having sort of an argument with them in the backstage of a Just for Laughs show for sort of 10 nights straight. Oh, my God. Was it like that? Yeah, kind of.

So she confronted or it was a discussion? She would just kind of every night just say something about it. And it was so funny. It was just a story. It was just a story about something that actually happened. It was just a story about something that actually happened. And I think at some point she was like, no. Or there was one point,

this is so rude, but it was target practice or military drills. The argument was made like, you say in the joke, target practice? They were firing missiles at mountains is the way that my mom tells me the story.

The person was trying to distinguish between that it wasn't on purpose. Yeah, I don't know if that matters. I know, but that was the thing. It was just like, okay, what are we talking about? Yeah, yeah, I mean, and the whole thing about this person is that The drunk driver didn't mean it.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was not his intent. Sure. didn't mean to kill people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was not his intent. Sure. He's trying to have fun. Yeah. Just shooting missiles at mountains. Come on.

Someone's got to do that. Yeah. How are we going to find out? Yeah. And this person, you know, it's just kind of weird because it's just, you know, they wrote a book

about how you should be allowed to say whatever you want. Exactly. Let's go to our next segment. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. This is a segment where we talk about things that need to stop.

Malcolm, so happy you're here. We had such a good time at JFL. It was a joy to spend those weeks with you. It was great. Do you have a this has got to stop? Yeah with you. It was great. Do you have a, do you have a, this has got to stop? Yeah. I was thinking about it.

I think, I think hair transplants. Uh oh. Let's talk. I think hair transplants in. Talk about a young man. Yeah. With your full head of.

The amount, the amount that they're, that they're as common as they are. I don't think this should be the case. I don't think they should be this common. Is your suggestion that some men deserve to... Some men deserve hair. How are we supposed to know who has testosterone?

How are we supposed to know... I can't grow a fucking beard. How are we supposed to tell the real men? Yeah, kinda. Not the real... No, that's not how I'm saying it. I know. Okay, why? Do you want a hair transplant I you have hair there's there's an area I mean I'm doing spray you doing spray you have to a spray

where I if there's there's this spot the ground state sometimes I lean over and I see it like in the video and I go Jesus fucking Christ I mean I got I got these of course yeah and then right here and then it's it's here I I remember the days I get my hair cut and they go like this they go your hair is so thick oh they still do your hair is so thick and no one has even come close to saying that I remember the first person I said to them I said because they started saying that and then they stopped and I said to them there's that Aveda when it was still open and I said is them, I said, because they started saying that and then they stopped. And I said to them, there's that Aveda when it was still open. And I said, is my hair been getting thinner? And they were like, no, no, no, no.

She like drops all of her things. It's such a, yeah, it's just like an insecure thing to say. You don't want to, it's like the, yeah, you don't want to say that. Yeah, but it is. I told Tova, I said, will you be honest with me when I need to get the hair transplant? And she said, only if you promise that you won't be mad at me for pointing it out and i said i cannot promise that but i need you to promise me the first part i i feel stupid because someone else has mentioned this recently

i'm not i don't i don't feel like i can tell yet when people have done this yeah that's the goal i know but i'm saying like oh you're saying you can tell i will know well here's the thing you can't always tell and so recently i'm okay i have like a new friend in my life we've been friends for like three years you know this is like the thing you're like make friends like as an adult you don't know this person their whole life you don't know their whole life story you're coming to them at this moment in their life and this guy's so handsome and just like so good looking. And I was like, okay. And then recently he confessed to me that he has had a hair transplant and veneers.

Well, veneers. And this whole time I'm just thinking this guy's better than me. He's had all his work done. But in a way he could afford that, so he is. You think that's what it is? I think that when you start losing your hair, you can pass judgment.

It is, I need this hair. I mean, no, no, no. I mean, we're in an industry, you know? We are certainly in an industry. We live in a society, and it is a superficial society. Well, how much of a hairline do you want? Where do you want to put it? It's here, right here.

I want to do the Bieber. Eyebrows straight up. I just want it to look good. It looks good. It looks great. Let me tell you, it's our friend Chris. And the only reason Chris had the... Russell would never. I could have a fucking...

Again, I didn't notice when I was with Chris I didn't notice it I could have this thing hanging off the back of my head Russell wouldn't say anything He said I want to rock the boat But my friend Chris he pulled me aside And he said hey man just so you know From my

And he's not tall enough to see I was sitting when he saw me You were kneeling Why are you taking a shot at him? He always takes a shot at him He's not listening He doesn't listen Yeah He took't listen Yeah

So Took you aside Yeah he just took me aside And said like You should try the spray And His hair's been looking Good too

Good yeah Part of me wonders If he's got the fucking thing And didn't tell anybody No no no No you'd have to We would have known You need to spend time away

To get that thing done You can't get it wet For like an insane amount of time Really Oh yeah I read a whole What happens How do they put it in? I mean, it's very bloody.

It looks gross. They take hairs from the back of your head and then they push them into the front of your head. Oh my god. They have to do it one by one. I want to do it with just my pubes. How long? Do they put you out? They put you out? It's just like super curly. Do they put you out? Like sleep? No. Just sleep? No.

You're just awake, it must take hours It takes a long time I don't hear about people complaining about the pain It's just like This guy told me in his confession It's just very uncomfortable For a long period of time How long do you have to be

Hidden from the world Before you can come out? It depends on what you're okay with people seeing I mean imagine you have to be hidden from the world before you can come out? It depends on what you're okay with people seeing. I mean, imagine you have to take off two weeks of stand-up to do it. Longer than that. Longer than that? He'll never get it. Yeah, dude, you're going to have scabs on your head.

Well, I think if I'm a stand-up comic with balls, I'm going to go out there and be like, hey. You're going to talk about it. Hey, I love a good opening joke. I know what you're thinking. What's these pubes coming off this guy's forehead? Killer opener. That's good.

That's good. I mean, I want to see the set. Your fresh back from Istanbul set. Too many people have been doing it. What's funny is this is becoming the new 40-year-old comics. Like Mateo, I'm pretty sure Matteo has a whole special about it. About his hair? About getting hair transplant.

Really? Yeah. His looks amazing. Well, that's good. It's only going to get better as it goes on. So by the time you really need it, it's probably going to be even better, probably less time, probably quicker. The technology is getting better.

I will say that. It used to be, like, more taboo, and it was, like, scarier. It used to be like more taboo and it was like scarier. It used to be like BBL. Yeah. Sure. Hair transplant used to be BBL, now it's boob job. It's fine. Yeah. I can't stand it. I remember when like Nicki Minaj was like, I didn't get a BBL and it's like, well, we're looking at these pictures and there's, then what happened?

And we're looking hard. We're looking. We are looking at these pictures. I would support you if you got a hair transplant. What if I got a BBL as a bit? I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking. You think this has got to stop?

Yeah. Okay, this has got to stop. New York City Public Schools, you've got to get buses. Funding. No, you've got to get buses for these kids on field trips. We cannot have these kids on the subways. They're coming in 30, 40 kids onto one subway car. It's chaos.

They're bullying me. They're bullying everyone around them. And it's just, I don't understand how, when we grew up, I went to public schools. They gave buses and they took us places. Why is there so many kids getting on field trips or going places with the school? I don't understand. And it's happened two times in the last week. You know who could put an end to these kids on these subways?

What? That guy punching all the people. Yeah. Boom, 30 kids at a time. No, no, no. Just running a clothesline just through the hole. That's mine. That was a good one.

Mine, let's see. I got a couple here. Oh, I don't want to do that one. It says Israel. Unfollow. Yeah, yeah. What does that mean? Someone wrote me and they said, did you unfollow me?

Oh, awesome. That's awesome. Was it who? Somebody who was posting a lot of zionist comic materials yeah no no but it was someone we had we had a nice relationship with and i was i was i was uh generous in my reply i was i was not like i was not like Yeah I fucking did this I did I was impassioned in this moment

But I Someone just told me You gotta mute them, don't unfollow, they'll notice Sometimes you unfollow Because you want them to know a little bit And also I would say something There's a certain kind of thing when you see a certain Stamina of posts

Of things where you're like oh actually i'm not interested in knowing this person that much more like for for how like like with certain things and certain kind of like where it feels like oh like i don't want to like they're very much championing something that is awful in a way in a way i'm specifically i'm i can think of the few handful of people that I have unfollowed where you're like, oh, this is like

very bloodthirsty and weird. I'm going to, you know, I don't want to ultimately. It's this weird social contract, like a fake social contract of like following someone on Instagram

that it means all this thing. Like a lot of the time when you follow someone on Instagram is like you've met them like for 30 minutes once. Yeah, yeah. Like you don't,

like whatever, honestly. Yeah, ultimately it's just, it's so many different, it's also honestly yeah yeah ultimately it's just it's so it's so many different it's also like for me it's my business platform thing yeah but i just think you know even if someone posts a lot about israel or a lot of crowd work clips you should be generous and you know there's more to them than those crowd work clips i wanted i'm just using this transition to play this thing oh i uh thing I don't know if you saw this I posted it, I just wanted to play it

This is the first piece of We got it here? This was the first piece of Branded Oh yeah Did you see this? No So there's a company that posted

It appears to be a crowd work clip It's at a real comedy club, the Comedy Fort in Fort Collins, Colorado, which I will be performing at later this year. We haven't announced it yet. But I want to play, this is, here we go. Say something quick. Hello. Come on.

What? You're brilliant. I just found out that I had 27 subscriptions. I know what it's for. It's like finding out that you had 27 kids you did not know about. Rocket money. Yes, rocket money. Yes, that was what did it.

Yeah, it's like it laid out all my subscriptions for me like a rap sheet of bad decisions. Four or more. I had two Netflix accounts. Two Netflix accounts? Yeah, I had two Fubo accounts. How much money did you save? It saved me $700. $700?

Damn, can I hold 20? It only saved me like $300. No, but in all seriousness, if you guys want to save some money, download Rocket Money, maybe pump up with drinks. Wow. Crazy.

Who is it? Rocket Money? Yeah. Now, I don't think that comedian's a real comedian because no one tagged him. And if it was a real comedian, he'd be getting roasted. Never be allowed. Never be allowed.

No, that's really bad of that company to have done that. That was very bad. Are they banking on that Where Everyone's talking about it And And that doesn't matter Like that I've never heard

Rock and money before And now I have Uh yeah I guess so They're trying to Well they're taking They're using Stand up as just like

A A canvas Yeah But completely Completely disrespecting it but yours is so funny as we recently had on we had uh lucas elnick not that long ago and he talked to he did dr squatch they did a taping yes yes and it's it's that was more authentic to stand up but it still is like to me honestly it's chaotic and it's a crazy bet that they made to have people do jokes about soap.

And it feels a little icky, but that was more true to stand-up. There was some tongue-in-cheekness to that. There wasn't this, like, this is crazy. What's so funny, this guy, he does, like, you know how Louis, so nice he would like a, he'd do this face sometimes in a stand-up. Yeah. He does it like for every single line. He goes like, I had 27 subscriptions. Mine, two for FUBU.

Yeah. It's like 27 kids that you didn't know you had. And with two fucking Netflix accounts. Yeah. Just doing a full. Hallelujah. It'd be funny if they did it, but it was like,

like then, then from that he went to, so I was titty fucking this. Yeah. Let's go to our final segment. You better count your blessings. You better count your blessings. Russell, you got something you're thankful for?

Yeah. You know, there's a lot of things wrong with America right now. Something I am thankful for is that we don't have a king or queen. It's just, anytime I think for more than two seconds about having a king or queen, it's just anytime I think for more than two seconds about having a king or queen it's so crazy it's so crazy that people still have kings and queens and then you also have prime minister like what is going on like both I think I was just thinking like for some reason it drives me nuts like that they still exist and I think if they either committed to really being a king and queen and ruling everything and having to wear the costume still, because I don't like that they wear suits and stuff.

Sure. No. I think you should have to wear a throne and the crown. Put that stupid shit on. Put that dumb shit on and wear it all the time. Roll your R's. Be on horses. Cancer.

Get a court jester. Yeah. If you're going to be king and queen still. Put on a show. Put on a show. Get a court jester. Yeah. Get like you know like if you're going to be king, queen. Put on a show. Put on a show. The whole thing is pageantry. The whole thing is pageantry. Put on a show for us if you're going to do it. Don't a video of you holding grocery bags. I don't care.

You're just like us. Don't show me that. No. You know you're lying and now it feels like you're making fun of us like we hold bags too. Oh we've been to market. No you You know you're lying and now it feels like you're making fun of us like we hold bags too. Oh, we've been to market. No, you haven't. So anyways, I'm thankful we don't have one because it would drive me

nuts. But imagine Biden wearing all that stupid shit. Wouldn't that be kind of fun if he had the big fucking hat on? No, I think he'd fall over. It'd be very sad. If he had the big long like fur like tarp or whatever that they wear and then he was trying to get on Air Force One and just got wrapped up

in it. To be honest though, whatever Trump decided to do with that outfit would be funny to see. Just gold. Couldn't move. He'd look cool. Trump would just wear a suit of armor all the time.

He would. He'd be that king. Yeah. Gold suit of armor. Just his head out. Yeah. No helmet. We stupidly...

We talked about the... We talked about the princess. She's a princess, right? Yeah. Even saying it, because without the accoutrement, I'm like, that seems weird. Yeah.

We talked about the princess on the podcast that we recorded That just came out today And we were not, without the cancer diagnosis in mind But also, there were all these articles like Well, it's a shame on us for our And I'm like, no it's not It's not a shame on us for our conspiracy theorists You did a bunch of weird press PR

And you know what? You should have just fucking said it For years the UK Their press over there has been propping them up And putting out bullshit So whatever shut the fuck up Anyways I'm sick of the royal family Also there was like two famous people

Who like right before the cancer diagnosis Made a big stink about You guys we should probably leave them alone And I'm like, I fucking know. I know. I fucking know. You got intel that the person has cancer and you're right in the nick of time.

You know who you're saying. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And he's guilty of it. And someone needs to tell him. Oh, you know what? And he's like, you know, we shouldn't do this. I was like, you know, you shouldn't wear blackface, sir.

Okay? Because it wasn't Justin Trudeau, but it was another person who wore blackface telling us what right and wrong is. Shut the fuck up, man. You really gotta let it go. If you have those, listen, if you have a picture of you in blackface, you don't get to be the moral authority

on anyone. It's done. And that applies to, frankly, like 20 people off the top of my head. I mean, truly. Truly. You know who came to mind? Who? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, wait. Did she say something, too? Can we keep it? She always does. There's a few things we have to say afterwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have to say the names afterwards. Yeah, after every podcast, we go, okay, so here's the real podcast.

Here's the real podcast. The Patreon. If we put that on the Patreon, we'd be fucking rich. My blessing is that sweater that you got, Tova, that we both wore. I felt bad. So he got this sweater for Tova at Miami Boys Choir. And then I felt bad because I wore it, and you saw me wearing it before you saw her wearing it and I thought it was rude of me

to be like, hey, the gift you got... I didn't need Tova to demonstrate it for me. But it just felt like, hey, the gift you got Tova, it's mine now. And I felt guilty. But ultimately, we both wear it. It makes me feel good that you both wear it. Tova and I, we talked about it.

We wear a lot of each other's clothes. Yeah. And I don't think other couples do it quite like us. But someone came up to Tova during a Purim, and she was wearing the sweater and said, oh, my God, where'd you get this sweater? I saw this comedian. I really like wearing this sweater, too.

Oh, that's so funny. And she was like, I'm fucking him. And he was like, right now. Right now. Right now. And I was there, funny and and she was like i'm fucking him and he was like right now right now right now i was there too and i was like baby uh jesus christ really is a shame that we're in the same industry because i as i could just uh so it's a beautiful sweater yeah it's just it's just uh it's such a cool thoughtful gift and and that's the reason people pointed out oh good well i'm glad it's such a cool thing to have yeah um do you and i'm sure every member of that group is the biggest scientist you've ever met in your entire life um wait of the sweater not the sweater the miami boys choir it's like uh it's it's a group it's like uh like a young idf

um do you have a blessing no it's a it's a choir group okay because a young IDF do you have a blessing? no it's a choir group okay because I was going to say the IDF is already pretty young this is like they're going to be like babies at this point no they're like

yeah they're 12, 13 and they Tova saw them and said it was like oh wait okay they went viral on TikTok because they have a cool song I saw this

but it's like the shows are like a bunch of 12 year olds like dancing and they're like the first of 12-year-olds like dancing and then like the first Jew in the whole world, he knew Moses

and he's in the middle like kind of conducting them as they all dance around. It's a very, it's a very unique thing. That is, that is, okay,

yeah, that's nuts. Can you imagine the Miami Boys Choir like became really pro-Palestinian? Like that was like the big, that was the big shift.

They're donating the proceeds of the show. Yeah. But they only say it after. Only at the end. Oh, after, yeah. Oh. Yeah. Come on, Miami boys.

What's your blessing? My blessing? I think I'm... Ramadan. Ramadan right now. It's been... Sure, that's a lot of guests. Yeah.

What? That's their blessing that's their oh yeah? is it? no oh I don't know

you guys had this smile on? yeah yeah yeah one other yeah yeah yeah yeah no it's just been it's been

it's been I don't even know how many days into it we are right now but it's just been like so it's been actually like fun it's been cool it's been like nice to have this as like

since I've gone to New York like nice to have this as like um since i've gone to new york like kind of have this thing that i've that i've always done but like never done here like on my own and just like kind of with like um like a newer community here that i know just like using that as like a way to get like i feel like like i'm more acquainted with new york like for having gone through Ramadan right now. Does it involve like you go to a mosque and do a ceremony? Yeah, well, you break fast with people. I'm eating with friends when it's time.

And then at night, you just pray through the night. Sure. That's just what it is. You go to nighttime prayers and just like a very, yeah. The time is very appreciated. It's a very still time at night, and there's just so many people around. You can tell everybody's going through the same thing. It's a very nice time of the year, and I'm happy it's happening right now.

Hell yeah. Oh, this is coming out. Oh, I wrote it down here. I wrote it down here. I wrote it down here. We almost got this calendar right behind Russell. What day is this coming out? This is coming out on April, January, March, April 16th. Wow.

Damn. I have a show in Toronto April 13th. But it's okay. Well, I hope it was a good show, I hope it was a good show. I hope it was a good show. Any other shows after that or are you done? No, I'll be retiring

from stand-up after that. I'll be on to different things. Where is it in Toronto? The Winter Garden Theatre. If you were there. How many seats is that? Thank you. Thousand.

Wow. You're headlining? Two shows. I'm co-headlining with my friend Hassan. Nice. Doing two shows there. Push that many tickets? That's impressive. We'll see. Wow Just you're headlining? Two shows I'm co-headlining With my friend Hassan Nice Doing two shows there Push that many tickets?

That's impressive Yeah we'll see We'll see if we can Push that many tickets First show sold out We were trying to Sell a second show Amazing

That's incredible How big were the theaters You did with Roy Wood In that Canada tour? Some of them were Like 3,500 Jesus Some of them They were like sold out? Yeah a lot of them Were sold out Damn It500. Jesus. Some of them, yeah.

They were like sold out? Yeah, a lot of them were sold out, yeah. Damn. It was crazy. I'm sure that was fun. It was amazing. Did you spend a lot of time with Roy? Like was he chilling?

He was around. Yeah, he was in there. We were in the tour bus. He would always be in the back of the tour bus. Just like hand out like advice. Like he'd just always have like the craziest story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. About something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd just say like sort of an innocuous thing and then he'd have like A tale about it You know I saw way back I was doing at Westside Comedy Club Talk about a club that

Blocked me on Instagram Hello Hello Hello I was proud of that And I just remember Once there was a daily show Stand up show

And I was just hosting But Roy like The moment this guy's set Was over like Took outside and like was like hey this is a cool thing here's a tag like he just dials it. He so still

loves stand-up it's so cool. He's the man. Yeah. He's the man. Roe Jr. Do you have anything you want to plug? May April 16th 12 more days of Titanic off Broadway that ends April 28th for me. And then Friday, May 3rd, we will both be in L.A.

for Netflix's joke, Uncle Function, 9.45 p.m. at the West Side or West, what is it? West something. Jesus. Comedy Club. Let's do it in order. Yeah, okay. Come see our live taping.

With? With. Moshe Kosher. Moshe Kosher. Friday, May 3 taping with Oshikoshir. Oshikoshir. Friday, May 3rd at the Comedy Store at 7 p.m. And then Uncle Function

will have a show after that at 9.45 p.m. elsewhere. And then for me, I'm going to be at the Nashville Comedy Festival this Friday and Saturday. One show Friday, one show Saturday.

And Jeffrey Asmus is the comic after me. So please come support Because once I see his set I will feel bad about myself And then yeah, check out that May 3rd Downside Live Because it's going to sell out, baby

And Uncle Function Yeah, you just said it I know, I'm just having you reiterate it We'll both be there Uncle Function will be sold out in two days And yeah, go see. Next time I book Malik on the Silver Lining, be sure you come to that

because we are getting deep into the thick, deep into the thicket of provincial comedy. This is The Downside. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi.