The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #207 Cut For Time with Chris Cafero

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

Chris Cafero makes his triumphant return to talk with Gianmarco, Russell, and special guest Douglas Goodhart about the terrible interactive off-off-broadway theater experience that brought them together, our worst acting gigs, working with Vinny Guadagnino from Jersey Shore, which of us has the worst mirror face, and whether or not we need to change the auditioning process.  Douglas also shares the first This Has Gotta Stop to involve a PowerPoint presentation.  You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon free for 7 days for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Chris on Instagram & TikTok Listen to The Royals of Malibu Follow Douglas Goodhart on Instagram & TikTok Follow The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi on Instagram Get tickets to our live podcast recording in NYC on June 3 https://www.showclix.com/event/the-downside-with-gianmarco-soresi-live Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Technical production by Chris Mueller Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Sephora Savings Event is here. World in my hand, I'll take this and that. And that. Ooh, and this. Oh, it's true. Find everything you want on sale at the Sephora Savings Event. It only happens twice a year and it's on now through November 11th. Find brands like Rare Beauty, Glow Recipe, Valentino, K18, and more, all for less.

Shop at Sephora today. Limitations apply. Must be a beauty insider. See terms at sephora.com for complete details. Welcome to the downside. Before I bring on even my co-host, I do, on a more somber note, I, unfortunately, we've, I guess it's just me, but the funds for the downside, we've hit a bit of a snare. For those of you who listened to our episode with Malik Alassal, you'll know that for a stand-up comedy promo recently, I had to purchase a quite expensive flaccid penis. And I couldn't afford it, to be frank. But I think as an artist, it's important to sometimes put the art ahead of the finances.

Flash forward a couple days later, I saw my beautiful girlfriend Tova playing with the dildo, not in a sexual way. And I thought, oh, it's kind of funny. Someone using a dildo as a, as like a fidget spinner of sorts. I shared it with my sketch team as a passing thought. Oh, dildo, fidget spinner, nothing there probably. Not enough for a sketch. And my sketch team said, no, no, you're wrong. There's not just enough for a sketch. There's enough for three sketches. Three sketches with this flaccid dildo. And against my better financial judgment, I went on Amazon and I purchased three more dildos. All of which is to say, I now have one,

two, three, four, plastic dildos, Why'd you open them? Three. Why'd you open them? Four. What? Plastic dildos. Fully flaccid. I'm all set.

And needless to say, as you could have guessed from the beginning of this. Wait, is this the same one from the other day? From last night? The sketch bombed. The sketch bombed. The first one. Listen, the first one. Did okay. It first one did okay.

It started to do okay. And as runners go, usually the first is going to give you a good trajectory for the next two. And wisely, my sketch team forced me to do the third beat alone. Where I... I did not tell you to do that. As an actor, pretended that my father had died backstage. Emotionally got myself to a place of near tears. Stop it.

And then proceeded to wave a dildo around on stage to utter silence. That is not. My point is, please, please join the Patreon. Patreon.com slash downside. How much? $200 for you spent on all this? Before the taxes. This should have been the sketch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. This is the downside. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi.

Shout out to my producer with the two second delay, Chris Mueller. Hey, though, did you notice that Jessica did start that sketch with actual tears in her eyes? Yes, actual tears in her eyes. She's a great actor. She's a great actor. For Make-A-Wish, I was like, oh my God, wow. It's amazing. It's amazing. it's amazing.

This is the downside. It did not. My name is Jim Augusto Rezzi. I'm here with my co-host, Russell Daniels. I am joined today by two more members of said sketch team, Uncle Function. More known for composing all the music, including the music you just heard, Douglas Goodheart.

Hey everybody. Douglas Goodheart, ifosing all the music, including the music you just heard, Douglas Goodheart. Hey, everybody. Douglas Goodheart, if you join the Patreon, we have an early, early episode where we interview Jess Douglas of Good Celebrity Encounters. Oh, yeah. An excellent Patreon episode. And we also did another Patreon episode

with another member of Uncle Function here today. All the way from Los Angeles, Mr. Christopher Cafaro. Yeah. How's it going? Good to be here. I didn't think I'd ever see this day. Every member of Uncle Function has been on this show multiple times. Except for me.

You literally moved. No, I'm like the designated survivor. Jessica's only done it one time. I'm like the Secretary of Commerce who has to wait during the State of the Union. So if everybody dies... Well, that's because last time you were a guest, you acted as if you were the Secretary of Commerce. Well, because you decided,

you know what would be a good subject? Let's talk about your father's political career for an hour. Yeah. And then you introduced it with a story about menstruation or something. Did I? Yeah. Well, as you see, we've evolved past those kind of introductions

into much more civil. Well, as you see, we've evolved past those kind of introductions into much more civil. Yes, exactly. I know, Chris, you just probably want to talk about how good Colin Jost did in the White House Correspondents Dinner. Almost as well as Papa Joe. So, this is a good, this is a special episode.

We've talked a lot. This is the same group. We all went to Joshua Tree together for a sober weekend together at Joshua Tree. With my dad. These are good buddies. We talked about

it on a Patreon episode. Good buddies or you're only friends? You have more friends now. Oh, you do. I feel like we're better than good buddies. That feels like a light term. One time at an audition, he treated me like a stranger. I know.

What are you talking about? First of all, can we say what year? Pre-COVID. Pre-COVID. Pre-COVID. These stories don't count anymore. Friends for five years? What do you mean?

I treated you like a stranger. You were like, oh, hey, man. Yeah. I got to get to it. That's what you said., hey, man. Yeah, I got to get to it. That's what you said. I got to get to it. I got to get to it. Yeah.

Yeah. Guess what? I booked that on YouTube. He made it to that hip hop class. Hey, I got to get to it, guys. 12 p.m. on Tuesdays. All right. Sorry, guys.

That can't be for Uncle Function. I have a very important thing. This is a good one. I'm already in a weakened state. And so, yeah, this is going to be a slightly, I mean, it's a regular Downside episode. We're still going to do this. It's got to stop.

But I figured when we were, yeah, it's okay, Chris. When we were in Joshua Tree, we, as we often do, talked about our careers, our acting careers. And had some good audition stories. So I figured we'd, this is a little bit of a themed episode about the downside of auditioning. Russell, you just came from a. Came from a commercial callback. Yeah.

You better have booked it. Yeah. I think it went well. But it was, you know, those nightmare thing of like sometimes they let you into a waiting room and everyone's there. You see everyone. Are you saying, is this in person?

On Zoom. But you're in a virtual waiting room and everyone's there. You see everyone. I don't want to see other people. And their volumes are off because they keep engaging with us. So you have to have your volume on. And then you get on she goes oh yeah sorry guys um they want full body so in a new york city apartment yeah you're like setting that up so that so they want both the full body and then when you

do it they want you closer yeah who i don't have a thing where so you're setting i set my backdrop up you can clearly see all the rest of my apartment it's all horrible i didn't clean for it you know i mean because it was last minute so that's happening and then you're moving forward and it's just a nightmare and then then why can't we do one full body video and use it forever. Here, here's the video to the full body shot. I do that for my self tapes though. I tape it like once, like every couple months or so. And you wear the same outfit?

No, well I usually wear this. Is it always the same black shirt or is it slightly different? It's usually like this. There's a black shirt and jeans. It's also a uniform. So I just use that and then I just like say my name, 6'1", based in New York City and I just put that at the top of everything

and I don't change it you know what I've always wanted to do do the pan down Chris Cafero 5'10 seeking representation and then pan down to the apple box underneath your feet be wearing a minotaur costume

or something absurd. What the fuck do you need to see my legs for? Yeah. You said you've always wanted to do that? Yeah. Do it. Do it different every single time. One time it'll be a tutu and tights.

It's one of those things where you don't know if they'll go, or they'll go, Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Second or third time. They're not watching it anyway. They're not watching it anyway.

There's no proof. There's no proof. I knew someone with comedy festivals because third time. They're not watching it anyway. They're not watching it anyway. There's no proof. There's no proof. I knew someone with comedy festivals, because they always think they're not actually watching, is they would make a new video every time to see if it had any views. So sometimes they get rejected from the festival. Sure, sure. Go to the video, no views.

Give me my money back, you piece of shit. We need a system like that. Oh, that's smart. Now, I want to be clear, because I want to to be careful because we're all actors. But let's... Because we have a lot of listeners who are not actors per se. So we want to make sure we don't skip over any steps. So we can pretend in a way. Chris, you've never acted before.

You don't have a mic. I have some credits. Oh, him. So we're all theater trained. Not you. What, did youored in college? Okay, well, rude. He was trained by

a famous person's mom. Remember? We met her in LA. Justin Long's mom. Justin Long's mom trained Chris Caffaro. Sure, but if you were, if you claim to be a doctor

and three of you went to college for being a doctor, and one of you learned how to be a doctor from Justin Long's mom. Which one has less debt? Yeah. So we've all done

mostly commercials on my end for sure. Russell was on Broadway. Yeah. What's your proudest, what's your saddest credit? My saddest credit? What's the one that you're like,

oh, can we get rid of that? Oh, geez. There was a movie called The Tower of Silence. Yeah. I think you've all watched it. Have you all watched it? It was a $1 million budget. Oh, is that the one? It's like a fantasy.

Yeah, it's like a fantasy. I don't think I watched the whole thing. No one did. That was tough. But again, no one sees it. So it doesn't really matter saddest credit um i did a play called married plus one um and i still don't know what that means um but i did it uh it was supposed to be a reading and then um the director was like this is really good guys we should do a full production. And so in one week, we had to memorize all these lines

for this terrible play where I played this father to a woman, a young girl with special needs, and I beat her. I beat her. I just beat her. Before the show starts. Yeah, before the show starts.

Exactly. And we did the performance many times for just one person, and one time just for my girlfriend at the time. She was the only person in the audience. Oh, no. And it was just like, it was. And married plus one.

I was divorced. Minus one. She was, maybe she was the plus one. But also my parents were coming like the the character's parents were coming to visit in this cabin so wouldn't that be plus two and like it was just it was insane marry plus one it meant no it made no sense problem started with the title i did uh perform for one my dad came up uh when i was in philly in the acting company and it was like an interpretive piece mixed with like poetry monologues and movement.

And there was one slow motion and it was in a church and there was a slow motion drowning scene. It was about a ship that sank and like a slow motion, like running to the lifeboats. And I remember my dad being the only guy sitting amongst pews and pews and we moved with them all that day. You had to move them back for church service. And my dad's just sitting there solo.

And we're all like, oh, my God. And at one point he had to go to the bathroom and we just stopped. Did you really? And waited for him to come back. Oh, my God. The smallest crowd I ever performed with was an Uncle Function show. The pit. At my God. What's your smallest crowd? We have, I have a performance was an uncle function show the pit at the pit on St. Patrick's

day. I wasn't there for that. And it was like 11 o'clock at night. This is what Chris's family makes up 80% of the audience. And they were there. It was seven people and an old is brutal. And I remember, I remember it. So it was, it was maybe one of the

first times i ever did um injured waiter though because i remember doing it there and um andrew farmer was our our special guest oh yeah and i just remember being like oh i want to convey to him it's usually not this bad you know that was really like i mean we weren't anything we weren't like selling out things then but we were doing better than that but it was better than that that was seven people for sure yeah that was i hated it i hated that feeling um i i that's amazing all of our status credits was something else and your status credit was with with us oh no no sorry i was gonna say for status credit i got paid paid $4,500 for a weight loss pill that I don't know. It probably kills people. And I don't remember the name of it even. And I was like, yeah, it was like that selling your soul thing where you're like, yeah, I'll do that. You know, and it was an easy day it was an easy I mean truly the shoot that's what these dildos cost by the way

the shoot was like two to three hours you know and I don't know if I was pre mid what was happening I had shots with my wife we were like we were we were sitting at a dinner table we were I was a worker

at one point, construction worker. Like it was like all the kind of stock photo. And you didn't know which part of the weight loss you. I think I had just started taking the pills. If I like, if I'm envisioning. Were you smiling in the pictures? Were you like,

oh, I'm feeling it. I wasn't, I wasn't like, like I, like I was, I think I just started taking them. We had healthy food on the table.

Did they keep coming over? They're like, so you just started taking it like super recently I was a little skinnier than I am now and but it was like that thing where you're like it just was that feeling of like and then you talk to the people too

the woman playing my wife she had done all the stock photo stuff and just like you talked recently about the stock photo oh yeah the poor girl on the- You saw it on an ad on the porn site. Yeah, the Semenax. And it looks like it's a picture of a woman

with cum on her face, but it looks like- They just put that on there. They just put it on, you can tell that you've seen this picture. I know you've seen this picture. You do the music. Yeah. But it's just a stock photo of a smiling woman.

She's got clothes on. It's not. And she's covered in CGI sperm. And it's really terrible. I think Melski cast that one. But yeah, she was talking to me. She just would be. And then like she would.

Oh, she would do. This is. I can't. I'm just remembering now. I remember this story. She story she did the she we were like supposed to be talking like they just want to take like action shots us talking laughing so like we're talking we're laughing and i don't need to do that like we can just like fake things and like occasionally laugh but she needed she was actually talking talking and like and so i was trying to keep things light you know blah blah having fun and then she'd be like she goes did you hear there was a shooting in Brooklyn yesterday?

But not as a bit. Like, you know when you can tell someone's doing that as a bit. She was like, she was like actually saying it and her face wasn't happy either. And I was like, ma'am, this is not what they need from you. But sometimes you talk to actors on those kind of shoots and it's it you're i was just talking to chris on the train about this where you're like when you see actors in other situations like i'm not like that am i like that thing of like is that me is that me like that thing of like that deep sadness where you're like this person is well there's nothing

worse than like you want to defend actors but then like like they don't, like some of them just don't get it. And there's a reason that people like have these opinions. I did a shoot for like an MS, pharmaceutical medicine, like a photo shoot. And there were two couples and like one guy was what they call the hero guy. So like he's, you know, the thing the ad is based on. And we were supporting photo roles. And they were like, okay, so you're to this hero guy you're leading it you're leading the conversation

you're talking everyone else sort of looking at him and smiling okay ready go we're gonna snap pictures and he'd be like ah no i want to hear about you guys like what do you guys do this weekend and then he would smile they'd be like okay stop hey buddy you need to be the one leading the conversation and he'd be like okay okay and action and he'd be like so what are you guys doing after this and just stare at us and we're like no no you talk sir and he's like and he was like no i really want to hear about you guys and they're like dude this isn't the time for pleasantries just get the shot what is is wrong with you? That is really funny. I remember once I was in a car with someone.

People always go like, I will never date an actor. And someone says something basically. Fuck those people. Yeah, but they said something like, they're like, actors are so annoying. And I realized the feeling that I felt for the first time in my life was like, I was offended. And I was like, that's how I know, know like I identify or I like sympathize or I just go like I want to scream like you know why we suck

because we are put in the worst position constantly and we are like morphed into a very needy desperate person but I just remember that feeling and I was like oh that's what it means when people go hey don't say that about the Jews.

Also, we're equally oppressed groups of people you're just describing. Also, we're so annoying until we get to a certain level and then we are all you can talk about. Exactly. We're all you can fucking talk about. And when you have a moment where you don't know what to say, you're like, so what are you watching?

Oh, what are you talking about now? You're fucking talking about actors. And the sort of disdain that they have for someone that is not famous, it's crazy. Where people go, who is that? There's like 10 people that are household names anymore. Yeah, sure.

You didn't see them in the fucking thing. There's like 10. They do that with comedians all the time. And then you say, name three comedians. They're like, Darius Seinfeld, Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart. And you're like, that was two. Actors don't do themselves any favors. Let's be honest. We got to look inward.

I was at a casting once. Chris, we got to look inwards. Yeah, that's me. No, no. But it pisses me off when actors like are the exact stereotype and then and then they're like well we're actors what i was at this casting once and there was like a detailed sign-in sheet and we had to like fill out all of like your name and your height and a size card and then on the back right in big crayon like your name and stuff. And it was a very packed, quiet waiting room.

And this guy like comes in like a bat out of hell. And it's just like with bags. And he's like, oh, I'm late. I'm sorry. And everyone's like, shut up. And then he does it wrong. And the woman calls him up and he's like, okay, sir, you did this wrong. And he's like, oh, actors, am I right?

We don't know how to do these things. And I went, excuse me. Chris. Chris. Just let it go. I was like, no, no, not all actors. Because I did it right. Chris.

I did it right the first time. Someone else has a story about both. And then he grabs your car. I don't give a shit. And then he grabs your car. He's like, six foot two? You didn't. That's so funny.

I didn't say it in line. What did you say? I said someone else has another story about two crazy people. Like, you're like the one guy who's like, oh, and then the other guy confronting him over like, well, good. Good. It's so stupid. To be like, we're all dumb, right, gang? And everyone's like, I'm not dumb.

Excuse me, sir. Don't speak for me. So my lowest gig, it was before I met you guys, I'm pretty sure. It was like a reality show for actors. And this is what they were trying to pitch, where it started out with 50 actors. They had a movie. It was just a man and a woman. And a chunk of you would do one scene.

So they brought you to like a mansion, hotel, apartment place and in one take they were going to film you doing this scene with a person you met the day before. And then they'd eliminate half of you and then the remainder, you'd do a second scene in the movie. And ultimately this movie

would be constructed where in the first scene you saw 25 different couples in all the different shots and then it narrowed down to the best actor quote unquote but to make a reality tv it was extremely sexual an extremely sexual movie so my scene that again you were going to do one take no rehearsals you just walk in and this is not how movies are filmed this is not how movies are filmed. This is not how movies are filmed at all. They're not. They're really not. And again, you met the person before. I was in a relationship at the time,

but a lot of the people they met the day before and it was so sexual, they just rehearsed and led to the fucking. And of course they did better in the scene because- Wait, on camera? No, just like in their own rehearsal. And Ripley Greer and yeah right I mean this was before this was very much

before Me Too and my scene everything was fine no one said anything about anything I mean quite a lot and this scene was like it was like they walk in we flirt and then in the stage direction it was like he goes down on her she comes immediately in the comes immediately and again this is one take no rehearsals so everyone's in the room going like

are like where are you gonna put your head no one's giving you any but you want to win because the prize is five thousand dollars deferred payment. Oh, God. Still haven't seen the $100 deferred that I won just for participating. What happens to a pay deferred? In the final scene, there was a helicopter that flew and took like a big shot and never got released.

Never got my $100 deferred. Got eliminated first round. Because nobody believed you could make a woman come immediately. Nice. Immediately. Immediately. That sounds like the Sidney Sweeney draft. make a woman come immediately. Nice. Immediately. Immediately. That sounds like the Sidney Sweeney draft.

Immediately. She comes immediately. So that's my lowest. Wait, it wasn't the Cupid shuffle and doing the show that we did together? Well, we all did. I remember you talking about that. We've talked about that Bachelorette show. That Bachelorette show.

And this is how our sketch team, Uncle Function, was born. I think pretty low in terms of, I was so excited at the start of it. Me too. And it meant a lot. I mean, I met you both in it. Not me. Not you. I met you before.

But at some point, my character, which was replaced by Vinny Guardino, who we're dying to get on the show. We are dying to get on the show. He's got his own little pod going. Yeah. Can you tell that story now? What story? The Vinny story. I have one too. Your Vinny story is so...

Yeah, I know. We're not going to get him on here, right? I would tell him if he was on. Oh, yes. It was funny, but he... He's a very sweet guy. Loved working with him. Do people know who this person is? Just by his name.

So, the show, it's a parody of guy. So sweet. Loved working with him. Do people know who this person is? Just by his name. Vinny from the Jersey Shore. So the show, it's a parody of The Bachelorette. And I played a character named Giovanni. Giovanni. So Italian. They named him Giovanni twice. Could not be worse. We've all let go of trying to kiss this guy.

But we thought of our own names. And it was very crude. I think that's where I originally got... DeMarco, you picked that name. I did not pick Giovanni Giovanni. You absolutely did. I did not pick it twice. We all picked our names.

Brian Birtle, I made that one. Wait a second. Wait a second. We picked our own names. You named yourself after all these years of making fun of that name? You picked that name? I would never say Giovanni Giovanni.

We picked our names. DeMarco was part of the cast. This was pre-me too. One rehearsal. I assure you. We didn't pick our names the first day. So Vinny Guardino replaced me. He said that the character was too mean.

He was like, Italians are nice. So he really struggled with the role. He did, yeah. So I left the cast. I never got to really interact with Vinny. He saw me do it once and took from that. And immediately quit.

And if I could just say a side note, during rehearsals, we had to rehearse the eventuality that he would win and get married to the main girl. And the main girl I was dating is my wife now, Joanne. And so they're rehearsing this moment. Who's been on the podcast, by the way?

Yeah. And so they're rehearsing this. Everybody. So they're rehearsing this moment where he wins and he marries her. And in that moment, they kiss. And so the director was like, yeah, and you guys will get down on one knee and then you'll kiss. And he's like, right now? And the director was like yeah and you guys will you'll get down on one knee and then you'll kiss and he's like right now and the directors

like yeah sure you guys will kiss and Joanne was like you know ready and he looked at me like her boyfriend's and I just thought that was the sweetest yeah world I was like it's okay bud it's it's acting it's also where was the kiss I don't remember kissing yeah you kissed at the it was like, it's okay, bud. It's acting. It's fine. Where was the kiss? I don't remember kissing. Yeah, you kissed at the... It was like a light kiss, but it wasn't like... On the lips? Yes. John Margo, you were in a totally different production. You never won. I did

win once. Did you really? It got skewed. It was always... Douglas would win a lot. And I would win. I would win. I won a fair amount. Who did you play, Douglas? Don't worry about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just talked about an episode with Megan Gailey. We're in high school.

She had an all-white high school. Not by design. It just happened to be. Historically, white college and university. They did a lot of show. It was Show Chat in Japan. They used tape. She said, for the bowels.

You were there For the end they like as like the ta-da they pulled off the tape Crazy And a man in the front row was shot Vinny okay so Vinny were you there that one night too though we went out with Vinny

and I believe so and he was stopped it was shocking yes how much he was stopped at that point. Very famous. It was shocking to me. Because he was also the boring part of the Jersey Shore. Like Snooki and Mike the Situation were the exciting. Vinny was like, compared to them, he was normal.

Yeah, he's quieter, more normal. But I think that's what was endearing about him, was that he was sort of like the mama's boy. He was getting approached by everyone. The funny story I had was he... Say his name. Vinny.

Vinny Guardino. Sorry, I know Vinny from the Jersey Shore. So tell me about Vinny Guardino. I'm thinking about the clip for fuck's sake. Jesus Christ. Russell, how long have you been doing this? I don't want to tell the story of his clip.

It's got to be the good thing. You always want to just say the story. No, because then I feel he's revealing a personal thing. You realize we want people to watch the whole thing or the clips. There's a thing when something's really good and really juicy, Russell goes, well, I don't want anyone to see this. Well, it's not going to be now. You put a lot of pressure on it. And it's revealing a personal thing.

We can't go throughout the episode and go, don't clip this, don't clip that. Well, don't clip this. Please don't say that. I'm saying it. Then I'm not going to tell the story. Then tell the story. Yeah, I'm going to take off. You're on, bud. Anyways, okay, so Vinny Guardino the jersey shore um he we were doing a show

with him and he um we had that moment where before each show we sat in the same place because they took away the ubers that used to take us to get to the show yeah and they and i never got an uber because my character's a loser so i would have to like walk around the block in costume outside depending on what time of year it was 42 degrees like i'd have to like walk around the block in costume outside depending on what time of year it was 42 degrees like i'd have to walk around from this thing so anyways where i was waiting was the same place he would wait so we had like 15 20 minutes before the show where we'd just be sitting there so we would talk in the thing and one week he told me you know he had just gone to some like i think like a porn convention like or

porn convention was happening where he was like staying in vegas something was happening and he had he had hooked up with a porn star and um he was telling me about it and he told me who it was and uh so then the next week i saw him and i uh i said hey you still you still talking to that porn star and he said to me he said to me how'd you hear about that read that in the blogs and I was like no you told me

like he was like he acted like it was going around like like everyone was talking about and I was like no no you actually told me about this like I had no memory of that. See, we're not going to use that as a clip. No, we're not. What did you think the story was?

I thought you were going to hit harder, though. And he was like, who's saying that? You thought I was going to perform better? Who's saying that? Can we take it from the top? I knew I did not want that to be a clip. I will say, though, out of context, listening to you guys describe this show is insane.

You're like, yeah, I won twice. And then we were in an Uber around the block. We had to sit there. We all got to kiss his wife. What was this fucking play? Don't call it a play. Chris, you saw it. You came. I remember you coming. It was a live experience.

We've recounted it at different times, but let's see if we can do them. People would be so nice or so mean there. Okay. So it's inspired by The Bachelorette. Yes. It's a spiritual sequel to Awesome 80s Prom, which is a show that Chris did.

That's right. And you did. And I did once. I didn't. But it's an interactive. Yeah, he had me play the bully once. It was way more fun than Bachelorette show. Really?

For sure. So it's an interactive. Yeah, it was better. It's an interactive piece where you have, everyone's a broad stereotype. So you have the, Douglas's wife, who as you know from the episode a former miss new york and she's you know everyone's wants to date her and she has like her gay friend who was played very very gay and then like a friend who's like the trashy friend again same and then you

have all the suitors and all the suitors were broad sure big broad stereotypes you were the the the snuggly guy your shirt said chubby guys you were like the hot guy you were huggable you were the hot guy oh yeah that's what your shirt said i said uh fat guys uh no chubby chubby guys hug or chubby guys hug better or something like that? Chubby guys hug better. I was the Italian guy, so I was wearing sweatpants, a wife beater, Spongebob square pants, boxers

over the rim. Although, someone once grabbed my stomach and said, a little bit extra pasta there, Giovanni, Giovanni. Wait a second, I thought your dad never saw the show. I told you. By the way, he did. He did see that. And that's the last thing I think he's seen me do.

I remember him coming. It would be the last thing I would ever see. He took photos, I remember, while he was there. It was. But to explain it to everybody, it was, you would, if you were going to see the show, it was like going to the club. You'd go to a club. And then watching like a, um you know someone pick their

future boyfriend and you would vote on it so you'd go and you'd dance and then you'd be like oh i like this guy and you'd you'd text a vote and then whoever voted for the most people the she would marry you go to the when you go to the club you're always always like, you know what's missing? A democratically held election. Can I tell you? The meanest someone was to me, and I was so proud of myself. I got a real good zinger in. She was like, because you have to go up to people

when you're trying to act. As it went on, I would just hide. But in the beginning, you're trying to interact with people. You're trying to have moments. You're going around. So I went up to her and she goes, I don't want to talk to you. Why don't you go talk to someone fat? Is what she said to me. And I said, I thought I was.

Yes. You fucking bitch. Yeah. Flip that. Flip that. Flip that. And then she's the one who came up to me and said, lay off the spaghetti there, buddy. And I said, great. Thanks for paying it forward.

Your pain became my pain. Oh, my God. 90% nice, 10% crazy. So the whole thing is you'd have little scenes and then you'd break apart and your job was to interact with all of the guests and solicit them for votes. job was to interact with all of the guests and solicit them for votes in just, I mean, imagine you're doing a political campaign to

kiss your friend's wife on the mouth. Chris, your dad's in politics? Let's talk about that. So it was brutal, and at some point, my character dresses in a full head-to-toe Cupid costume. And we did the Cupid shuffle. Cupid shuffle. And there was a point... Oh, my God, I forgot about that. Yeah, there was all these dance moments. We we did the Cupid shuffle. Cupid shuffle. And there was a point...

Oh my God, I forgot about that. Yeah, there was all these like dance moments. And we danced at the end to marry me. Because it was a party. It was meant to be a party where like something theatrical

was happening. And just to add, I believe... They're doing a revival of it. On Broadway. On Broadway. We're all revising our roles. I was paid $75.

$75 a show. And it was just Saturday nights. Saturday nights. And there was one time where I was waiting to go on as Cupid and I was sitting $75 a show. And it was just Saturday nights, Saturday nights. And there was one time where I was waiting to go on as Cupid. And I was sitting in the back with the Cupid thing, holding the head that I think would be the closest to suicide I've come. Also, when we,

when we started, they said they were going to try to do two shows. Yeah. Like, like two shows, maybe even like two shows, Friday, two shows.

Like I remember it being like, it was going to be more than this thing. And then it just never was. Totally. And, and we, part of the appeal, I understand 75 doesn't sound like a lot,

but also get this. Should the show take off? Should we? The entire cast. Oh yeah. The entire cast will be splitting 1% of the net profits. Yeah. We owned, we owned a part of the show. We owned a part of the show. We still own a part of the show Yeah, we owned a part of the show.

We owned a part of the show. We still own a part of the show. We still own a part of the show. We're still owners of that show in some way. You own it, all right. We should call Ken and be like, hey, just wanted to check. Do you have my new address?

We're looking for these royalties to come in. But we all met because of it. That's true. And I was making out with my wife every Saturday. I was meeting my wife. That is true. And sure, I played a Saudi oil prince and I am not Saudi.

But you are a prince, baby. But I did that character very much justice. In what sense of the word? I won. People liked me so much. I was the word? I won! In what form of justice? People liked me so much. I was so charming that I won almost every night except for when

Russell, because he also did very good justice to his character. You know that documentary they made about Apu? They should make one of just you in that role. Well, the worst part was that I was supposed to be a Saudi oil prince and then when they gave me the costume, it was like a traditional Indian garb. And so they were like, oh, it's okay. It's OK. And I was like, no, no, no, that's not

OK. And so and I wasn't going to do an Indian accent for sure. And so I was just like a Saudi. What was the accent that you did? I don't know. I forget. I don't know if I could do it. I think it was close to my Bill Clinton impression which is do what you did I don't know what I did we were doing a sketch for us once and Douglas said he could do Bill Clinton and we were like you're so great at impressions

mostly let's see you gotta get the tongue real far in front of the teeth I did not have sex with that woman. You got to get the tongue real far in front of the teeth. I did not have sex with that woman. No, that's like Nixon. That's nobody. Nobody has ever spoken that way. So soft. That's close to Reagan.

That's Reagan. Oh, and by the way, whatever. In SNL, they did did a fucking God damn it. Truman Capote impression. That's my best impression. And they did it. And people commented on that one too that it felt very topical and really needed to be done now in

2024. Well they've got their finger on the pulse. No SNL slander on this podcast. You fucking understand? I was not talking about that. You know who was great in that Bachelorette show? My favorite performance was Alex Fast.

He would just be on his phone and his excuse was that he was looking at the stocks, but he would just watch baseball. He would make no attempt, no attempt to interact with the audience at all. And he would just be on his phone and then have to go up for the group things and then that was it.

Yeah. Okay, let's get back on track. Auditions. Go back on track. If any Debbie Downsiders saw that Bachelorette show, I would love to hear. I'll have you on as a guest. Wow, we're really lower in the bar now, huh? Glad we got back on track. Oh, by the way, before I

forget, can we take a break from Acting Talk? There's something I did want to do because I can never think of a way to do it as a sketch. But I ran... We'll come back to the Action Talk.

And I want your... Okay. So I ran right before... I got this mirror for $10. Yes, I love this. Now, everyone has a mirror face. Oh, Jesus Christ. Everyone, I love this. everyone has a mirror face.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Everyone has a mirror face. Listen, everyone does. Everyone does something when they look at a mirror. with their mirror. Something, for me, and we're all going to do it

one by one. That's what I ran out to get. For me, I'm pretty sure I make my lips a little smaller. I know because my dad would always say, let your lips go. Let your lips go, son.

You got big, beautiful Italian lips. And then we kiss each other on each other's big Italian lips. Oh my God. That's sex. Okay, so you can all see it in the camera. Should we just count it down? Like three, two, one. Okay.

Three, two, one. I think I stayed neutral. Okay. But this is performative. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, just try not to. Just try not to. Try not to. Try not to. Try not to. But this is performative. Yeah, no, just try not to. Try not to. Try not to perform. Okay, three, two, one.

So you do a little eyebrow. Eyebrow goes up. I'm really like fighting, but okay. Three, two, one, go. Okay, great. Okay. Great. That's not true. What do you mean?

That's bullshit. What? I've seen you look in the mirror. You've never looked in the mirror like that once in your life. I do. Yes, you do this. No. He also separates his feet into a fighter stance.

Yes. Yes. Yes, I do. Into a fighter stance? Yes, I do. Yes, he does. No, no, no. There's a physical.

There's definitely a physical thing that goes on. And I feel like you kind of like go like. This is. Yeah. Yes. Do you do a fighter stance? Yes, I do. Yes, he does. No, no, no. There's a physical. There's definitely a physical thing that goes on. Really? And I feel like you kind of like go like... This is... Yeah. Okay. So now Chris, close your eyes. Don't look at it yet. All right. Oh, God. Look at that mirror. Please do it. No. Stop. Do the real one.

Yeah. Okay. I'm intentionally not doing it, but I'll do it. I'll do it for you. Do you want me to do it to camera or to the mirror? I want you to do it to the mirror. There it is. There it is. What is that?

Your mirror face is something else. I don't know what it is. It's an illness. I'm looking into it. Everyone has a mirror face. Everybody's got a mirror face. You didn't do it. I think we gotta do Russell again because we couldn't see his face. We gotta Everyone has a mirror face. Everybody's got a mirror face. You didn't do it. You didn't do it. I think we got to do Russell again because we couldn't see his face. We got to hold it a little lower.

Yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Chris. Yeah, you got it, Chris. I'm going to reveal it. Okay. Okay.

Well, he won't be able to look into it. You got to know. Oh, I can't see that. Okay. Jeez. Okay. Have him hold it. You hold it.

Where can I put it there? Guys, watch the YouTube. We got a lot of great content there. I feel like I raised my hand. Yeah, everybody does. Everyone tucks their head back a little bit. Like this. Oh, I make my eyes a little bigger. Yeah, you go like this.

Okay. And Douglas does this. I've never noticed. I've never noticed. Douglas does a Danny Zuko. I've never noticed yours. Yeah, you do do the legs. I do do a leg thing. One more time.

For sure. For sure. Full body mirror. I'll just, I'll do it. I hold my neck back a little and I look up like this. I do that with my eyebrows up. And it looks foolish.

Does your dad do it? Yes, he does. He does? Oh, wow. Do you think it's your dad? I think. Does your brother do it? Yes, he does. He does? Do you think it's your dad? I think... Does your brother do it? Everybody has a mirror face.

Chris, yours is shocking. All right. It's not an insult. It feels like one. You bought a mirror. You bought a mirror. Everybody online. You bought a mirror.

And now you're pretending like it's just an acceptable, lovable thing about me. Chris, look at yourself. You don't spend money on anything. You bought money. I spent money on four dildos. He spent money on a mirror. That's for you.

I'm going deep into debt. Those are for you. I have fucking 20 fidget spinners. You're going six inches deep into debt. Why do I have all these fidget spinners? I don't need them. Why'd you get so many things? A lot of shit.

Why'd you get tights? It's for a different thing. He's doing a photo shoot on the six train. Oh, that was great. Chris likes me. Chris, do you think I've earned a trip back yet? Yeah, I think so. After the mayor thing, that was really funny.

So, Douglas. Yeah. So, again, that was really funny. So, Douglas. Yeah. So, again, back to auditions. Okay. For those listening, if you're not an actor, it used to be Zoom, COVID really made this industry a lot more lifeless and just sad. Which is saying something.

It was already sad, but there was something about you went to a waiting room, you saw people that you knew, and you pretended they weren't your buddy, and you rushed to the audition. I got already sad, but like there was something about you went to a waiting room. You saw people that you knew and you pretended they weren't your buddy and you rushed to the audition. I got a jet, man. Waiting room all-stars, I call them. The waiting room all-stars were like the ones who would show up and were like, hey, Bobby.

Hey, Tommy. I'm guilty of that. I kill it in the waiting room. I hide in a corner and I pray no one talks to me. I'm guilty of that. I wouldn't call them relationships, but people who once auditions stopped, I never saw them ever again.

And they looked like you, kind of. There are people that I consider friends. And it's like, if you trace back, how did you meet them? It's like, oh, I met them in the waiting room at Beth Melski all over the years. I don't actually know them, other than sitting on those benches. Yeah, yeah.

I loved, my favorite is to go in the elevator. To go in the elevator. If you did an audition with someone else, you go in the elevator and say, see you on set. See you on set. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you ever want to see him on set? Or to walk out and be like, I booked it, guys.

You can go home. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah so one time i i had a final call back for uh for the national tour of adam's family and i got on the elevator afterwards and it was me and the other guy being seen for it and um and i i i go i i go he goes how'd it go and i go i go i think it went pretty well because i did feel that way and he goes yeah me too and i remember as the elevator started moving i looked at that short little fuck bald and i was like that guy's gonna get uncle fester i like looked at his head and i was like that is Uncle Fester in front of me. It was like six inches shorter than me and just looked like Uncle Fester. And I immediately started moving from the floor

and I was like, oh, I didn't get it. What's the name of the hand? The thing? The thing, yeah. It's like if you went in and you're like, oh, I hope I got that. And then a literal hand comes in. It?

It. Oh. It or thing. It's the hair thing. It's the hair. Oh. Yeah, yeah, hand. It. Oh. It or thing. It's the hair thing. It's the hair. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Red One. We're coming at you. Is the movie event of the holiday season. Santa Claus has been kidnapped. You're going to help us find him. You can't trust this guy. He's on the list. Is that Naughty Lister?

Naughty Lister? Dwayne Johnson. We got snowmen! Chris Evans. We might just go back to the car. Let's save Christmas. I'm not going to say that. Say it.

All right. Let's save Christmas. There it is. Only in theaters November 15th. Metro Links and Cross Links are reminding everyone to be careful as Eglinton Crosstown LRT train testing is in progress. Please be alert as trains can pass at any time on the tracks. Remember to follow all traffic signals.

Be careful along our tracks and only make left turns where it's safe to do so. Be alert, be aware, and stay safe. Be alert, be aware, and stay safe. Douglas, you've taken risks at auditions to leave an impression? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I have a problem where I've been, you know, we've all taken improv class,

and I think that my improvisation and my comedy skills are a real plus, and I like to show that off. So sometimes instead of improv-ing during the script, which you're not really supposed to do for a musical audition or a play audition, you don't change the lines, but you can add something towards the end and put a tag on it to show them that you know, that you're playful, that you thought about this and stuff.

That was completely unnecessary that entire well anyway yeah so i was auditioning for matilda and i was playing the um uh mrs trunchbull which is sometimes played by a man sometimes it's played by a woman the evil principle the evil principle okay and uh i felt that the character was very a lot like hitler and so at the end of the scene i we she the the trunchbull was screaming at the kids and so i screamed the lines and then i went And I did that. That is. And they were like, oh. And I was like, well, I was like, I don't know. This character reminds me of Hitler. Am I right? And they were like.

Which I'm not wrong. The character. You should have shouted, I'm Jewish in that moment. And it would have been fine. That's why they didn't know. Is that why? That's why you're more comfortable with it than as you are.

Because you know, you're Jewish, you're allowed. But they don't know right out the gate, they think you're Saudi Arabian. I never even thought of that. I never even thought that they could think for a second that I wasn't Jewish. I think that's why there's a comfort to it that a regular person wouldn't have.

I mean, Chris is not representative of everyone's comfort to shouting Hitler lines. And then I didn't realize it was even a bad thing. I thought it was funny until I told Chris. You said Sig Heil in a musical theater audition. Yeah, he called me afterwards and was like, hey, yeah, because I was like, oh, how'd it go? And he was like, yeah, you know,

improv at the end. And I'm always like, I'm always bucking up my friends. And he told me that story and I was like, that's not good, man. That's not good. I love imagining a creative team, though, like if they like love, love, love to, you know, like we really love Douglas, but he

did do Sig Heil at the, like imagining it between you and one other guy and they're just like, the other guy did not do Sig Heil at the, like, imagining in between you and one other guy in there. I was just like, the other guy did not do Sig Heil. So I guess we're going to go with that. But he got a callback. Yeah. You got a callback for it. I did get a callback.

And you walked in that callback. You got to lean in. You got to lean in. Double down. It worked. You got the other callback. You got the other callback uh i improvised so there was a thing for a while where like you could not audition for a comedy commercial unless you had ucb training that just

became the lazy casting director you must know comedy and so what it did is it unleashed a lot of non-actors who had just taken improv to do a commercial edition. And there was one TV show that I did. It was called I Love You, But Dot, Dot, Dot, I Lied. And it was on Lifetime, and it was very heavily improvised. So they give you like a scene, and you go in and improvise it. And these improvisers, so I had one where the scene was I was apartment sitting for my friend who was really rich.

I brought a woman back to this place and she liked it. She wanted to come again. And so the scene was my friends now come home to his apartment and I'm begging him, can you let me have the apartment just one more night so I can have sex with this woman? And so that's the scene. And he's supposed to be like, I don't know. That's it. Argue about it. So they're like, okay, go.

I go, hey, man. Great apartment. I was wondering, and he goes, Inky? I'm like, what? He goes, what happened to my pet octopus, Inky, I told you to watch after? I'm like, oh, brother, no. I'm like, oh,

he's fine. He's just taking a nap. I was wondering. He's like, no, he's not fine. He's not fine. And then he goes over and he picks it up and he goes, what happened to Inky? And I'm like, it doesn't matter. It's fine. I grabbed it from him. I put him back in.

Look, he's swimming again. That guy's still wondering why he didn't get it. Oh, that's so funny. I take chances. You should have shot him and killed him and be like all right get me a new one like and you get partnered with people and it could be the worst because in theory there was no way that they would look at that and go well that didn't go great like the way that he handled the whole inky situation i think he'd be great for the thing we actually wanted to see. Yeah.

So you would just go in there and they, they would not have time to bring you back in with someone. And this was just, this was just the bullshit of, of auditions that you could just get fucked. Yeah. Yeah. By that. Well,

that happened to me. It's happened to me many times. Well, because the problem is you bring in a group of actors and you're like improvising, and it becomes a pissing contest to see who can get the most FaceTime or who can talk about an octopus. Stand out.

Yeah, exactly. And this was I started auditioning when I was a teenager. So I would audition for commercials and I was like 18 for this new Verizon phone commercial or whatever. And we got called in in a group of four and this was the final callback. So the full creative team was there, casting directors, director, you know, ad agency, everybody. And we were running into the locker room after the big game.

And they're like, okay, so, you know, before you get to the lines, just improvise up top. It's homecoming. You just came in from the big game and you won. And we're like, okay, great. So action. So we run in and we're all okay great so action so we run in and we're all like yeah awesome great wow what a game and this guy goes hey do you see jenny up in

the stands and i was like oh yeah for sure he goes man that ass god i want to fuck her and and i was like what and so And so I look out to everybody, and there's a few people behind the table gasping, and the guy operating the camera is trying not to laugh. And the director goes, okay, let's cut. Chris, you looked right in the camera. You got to keep rolling with this stuff. And I was like, wait, what?

Me? He just, in a Verizon commercial, said he wanted to fuck this woman, this teenager. And so we started again and the guy didn't say that. Because then he was like, maybe don't swear this time. But the first note was like, Chris, you got to keep going.

The foundation of corporate improv. Yeah, truly. Chris. So I walked out of that room and they were like, well, that guy can't improvise. And it's like, are we selling phones? What are we doing? That is so funny I did an acting class once And it was like Meisner

And the whole thing with Meisner For people listening You would take a scene and you play with repetition So if someone says The line to you like You're not listening to me You'd be like I'm not listening to you You're not listening to me

And it was a Neil Simon simon it was the odd couple and we were doing a scene from the odd couple and it was with like a young like wants to be marlon brando actor and i'm i'm the nebbish one and he goes he goes you're not listening to me i'm like i'm not listening to you you're not listening to me you're fucking and he said the f word and and i started i started i started laughing because it was insane and the teacher was like you see you're not in the scene you're not in the scene if he had said that to you in real life you'd be upset and i was like that's insane that you thought in the neil simon play right i should just go along with it also you want to be

the foundation for every sitcom ever graded she's like you didn't repeat it you me to repeat it? The foundation for every sitcom ever created. She's like, you didn't repeat it. You got to repeat it. You're trapped. That's a funny bit. Oh, my God. You got to repeat it. You got to repeat it. You got to repeat it. It's so stupid.

I once, my craziest audition story, I got called in for a JCPenney commercial with Ellen DeGeneres, and they were looking for it the role was soprano elf and i was like are they looking for singers and it was like no they like tony soprano elf so i like didn't know what that meant i got it late at night i was at work it was the next morning so you know i slicked my hair back with a black t-shirt looked as italian as i can i'm italian i can say it uh and uh and so i show up

and i'm the youngest guy in the waiting room by 25 years they all look like out of central casting for the sopranos like three-piece suits pinstripes yankees jerseys like it was and they're bringing us in three at a time and this one guy three-piece pinstripe suit hair slicked back he looked like uh what who played tony sprang what's his name yeah he looked exactly like him and laying across the chairs were these little smocks like elf costumes that we had to put on and so the guy running the audition was like okay so come on in And if you could just put on each one of these smocks. And the guy was like, well, you just want me to put on one of these smocks? And he was like, yeah, just go ahead.

He was like, you want me to put the smock on? And he was like, yeah, just take off your jacket. Here, give me the jacket. And the guy was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he was like, no, it's okay. Give me my jacket. You can leave it over here. And he was like, okay, okay.

I'm going to take off my jacket, but I just don't want anybody getting weird, but I got a thing. And I'm thinking like, this guy got a colostomy bag or what. So he takes off his jacket and he's got a fucking Beretta on his hip. And in a holster.

And we're all like, what? And he was like, it's okay. I'm in the Teamsters. I'm allowed to have it. I didn't want to leave it in the Teamsters. I'm allowed to have it. I didn't want to leave it in the car. I'm just going to take it off. And so he takes the gun off his belt. And he puts it on the table right behind the camera. Takes his jacket off and dresses up like an elf.

And we're all just like, what? So we had to do this audition with a literal gun pointed right at us. And we do the thing. And the guy's like, hey, you got to take a picture of me in this outfit. I look, I'm friends with the commissioner. I got to take, I was like, what commissioner? Like, I think it's the commissioner. The commissioner. Yeah, the commissioner.

So I take a picture of this guy. Man. Commissioner Gordon. So, but the part that pissed me off the most was like, we go through this and like we leave and I'm at the elevator for the, you know, with the third guy in the audition on the way down.

And I like look around and I'm like, hey, can we talk about how crazy that was? And he looks at me, he goes, what do you mean? I was like, the guy had a gun. That was fucking crazy. And he was like, oh, yeah, I guess so. And I was like the guy had a gun that was fucking crazy and he was like oh yeah I guess so and I was just like what world am I living in? yeah

like when you're looking for an ally I didn't think it was crazy fuck you dude wow I I believe and I feel like you disagree with me

this week. I think we've discussed before. I deep down in my gut believe that auditions should be paid. I believe they should be paid

and I I understand I understand I'm leaving. How I understand the problems. I'm not saying this is the simple solution.

There'll be less, less people. Of course, there's a lot of things. But I think the bottom line is when you have any facet of a business where something is unpaid, those people, their time is abused. And you might hear a lot of victorious stories from the ones that survive and the ones that make it. And, you know, stories of, and then I finally got my big break.

But for those like me, who auditioned for Marvelous Miss Maisel 12 times, and probably over the course of those 12 times, I don't know, spent upwards of, let's say, 600 bucks on the self-tapes and all the things that go into it. I think this is unfair. What are you buying for self-tapes?

He's coaching with me. Oh, he's coaching. Oh, okay. You want to plug your... Yeah, by the way, I do commercial and theatrical coaching. Very good coaching. Some of my clients have...

What money are you throwing down? Some of my clients have auditioned for Miss Maisel 12 times. 12 times? 12 times. I totally forgot. Hey, you know what? Some of my clients have auditioned for Miss Maisel 12 times. 12 times. I totally forgot. Hey, you know what? Can I give Chris a plug? Chris has both big theater jobs

I have booked. I have had a coaching with Chris beforehand. Thanks, Rusty Boy. Gutenberg was the second big theater job. Titanic. Oh, so what do you think? It's not a big break, but okay. Thank you, Russell. And it was your talent

that you brought in. I had a great canvas to work with. You too can get your ass kissed like this for $65 an hour. Which is a bargain. It's a bargain. Yeah. No, I understand what you're saying.

I think it would be catastrophic for actors because the number of people they would bring in for auditions would plummet. They would not see nearly as many people. It wouldn't solve the problem. In independent projects,

they would just cast their friends or people they know. They wouldn't be able to do it. Or, hear me out, they would be forced to engage in people's either live theater and help reinvigorate the desire to do. First of all, remember, there's too many actors. Remember this, too. There's too many actors. So if there are some people discouraged, if they don't feel like they have the goods and we're raising the bar a little bit,

I think that's a good thing. But second, casting directors, there used to be a time where they would go and see you do your theatrical productions. They would go, oh, I'm going to vouch for bringing that person in. Or they would engage in your, they would be forced to do more work.

I don't think it would just limit it so only- But I think they still are. I mean, they're still doing that, the casting directors. I mean, they're not just casting these... I think when you get a tape, it feels like you're sending it into the void, but I don't think they're just handing those self-tapes out to anybody.

I will always remember being a reader for this woman who came in for a role and she came in and she, like, fucking wept for the... Like, it was an incredible acting performance that I witnessed in front of me. Shocking to see an older woman walk in, give like fucking wept for the, like it was an incredible acting performance that I witnessed in front of me. Shocking to see an older woman walk in, give an incredible performance, walk out.

And I remember the cast started to pick up the phone. It was like, oh, so-and-so said yes. Great. And the role that they had just auditioned for, that they had spent hours memorizing, maybe hired an acting coach, got dressed up, took two hours out of their day to do it, had literally just been given to a bigger star.

They would never know why they didn't get the role unless they saw the movie later. But they were none the wiser. And their agent thinks, nah, they didn't book. Who knows? Maybe it was the tenth thing they didn't book in a row and now the agent doesn't work with them anymore. Every aspect of this, the bottom of it, is

the actor getting fucked. But you don't know whether or not that actor, they made an impression on you i think if the casting director comes back no but no but there is a thing of like you know you're auditioning for the room and the casting director will remember that i mean look i'm not saying it's it's great it's brutal you can't eat food you can't pay your rent off the casting director might remember it's brutal but why does it have to be brutal because i i mean look i think that after a certain lab like a certain round of auditions they should be paid and i think there is a sag rule yeah you don't remember i got a

second call back once for commercial my commercial agent i didn't get the check my commercial agent said you can go to sag if you want to you will never be brought back for that office again right well that's so so so so office again. That's absurd. It's absurd. But that's why you should have a union do it. Yeah, but I have a union. The bottom line is I'm saying at every level this person is treated like shit.

What should you get paid? What would be a fair rate for an audition? $350,000. I think it would be per contract like ultra low budget SAG TV but if you're talking about like a TV if Netflix is cast in a show

these aren't just making it up obviously what's minimum wage in New York? I don't know I think either $15, $25, $25, $30 cover at least cover the taping I don't know. It's been a bit. I think, I think either 15, 25, 25, 30, cover,

cover at least cover the taping. Do we do a calculation of what's, what's an average someone has to spend on a taping? Something.

$15. And even if it's something I do think, I remember with commercial auditions all the time, sometimes you go to a callback and you'd see everyone there from the original

and you'd call it an all back. Yeah, all back. And, and those kinds of things were like, wow, so now you've wasted two days of my fucking life. There's a thing where you're like the multiple callbacks where you're like, everyone's here again and we're doing the same content. Even if it was minimum wage, even if it was a minimum wage thing, I think it would create a certain degree of people being a little more careful with people's time. And I think, and per your point, they do make you pay for the second so this isn't unheard of the concept

of paying for auditions my point is that i think there should be a baseline for the first something more for the second and for the third it's it's a pretty penny it's i think it's like 175 if not more you know in opera you have to pay to audition. Yeah. You have to pay them. And that's why the art form is doing so well. But I think like, okay, $25. It's not nothing, but like. It's not nothing. But to me, I think the opportunity, like if they would normally see 20 for a role,

and now they're seeing 10. To me, if I'm in that between 11 and 20 that 25 is not worth it to me i want to get seen and i want it if i audition for miss mazel 12 times and they're bringing me back so look you can and this is where actors kind of get shit on sometimes they go like well you should have been better and i'm like well they kept bringing me back so they were they were curious sure they thought maybe yeah and 12 times. No sweat off their back. I don't even have proof that they watched the video. And I don't trust them.

Yeah. Well, my Ms. Maisel story is different. Because I had a very similar thing where I auditioned seven times. And I booked the eighth. But that's my point. And, and, and that's my point is that you're the, but then the, the pay, the pay for that makes up for all the times that I didn't get. But that's, I just don't think any fair system should work like that. Oh, no one said it was fair. It's not fair.

But it should be better. It's not fair. But it should be better. It should be better, but would that improve our position? But would paying help? I don't know that it, I don't know that it would help the working class actor in the long run. First of all, and I know casting directors will share, and I think it's tough to get

casting directors because one casting director got in big trouble. He was live tweeting auditions. But I think they have to be careful about how much they talk. It's tough to get a casting director for the show. Oh my God. Well, you don't make it easy. They're watching clips. But

they'll say like, hey buddy, we're not getting paid well either. make it easy. They're watching clips. But I they'll say like, hey, buddy, we're not getting paid well either. I'm like, that's fine, but that doesn't mean that it should fall on the actor's shoulders. I just think from all the way back to fucking majoring in this shit in college, the actor

is just treated poorly and there's people who are unlucky and there's people who are unlucky and there's some people who probably should quit and you might want to say to them like, hey, maybe you've never gotten an audition. No one seems to want to sign you ever, ever, ever. Nothing comes your way.

Maybe this isn't for you and that's life. And I'm not saying that we need to correct life. But I think in any industry, if you, you know, I have a lot of friends who are non-actors and, you know, when they're out interviewing, like some of these interview processes, they meet with 10 people and it's eight hours. And then they have to do like a test case for like consulting work. And like, this is all unpaid work. But then they get a bigger job. I'm saying the problem with that model towards acting is sometimes these jobs per your Miss

Maisel are a one day shoot. And it's not that not that much it's it's a lot for sometimes people hear an actor's day rate and they go why are these actors whining about it's like well i worked two days last year right and and right now with with the way tv uh is is happening the payday is getting lower and lower and lower and my point is that maybe there's also a degree of like they'll give you, and I know we renegotiated recently with how many pages you can get in the first audition. It's nice to give you 10 pages, 12 pages. And the bottom line is no one at this base level is fighting for better treatment. I think if you're not going to pay, two pages.

Two pages. Look at my slate. Look at the pages. Do you want to see more? That's. Two pages. Look at my slate. Look at the pages. Do you want to see more? That's the second audition. Stop wasting my time. Because you, for all I know, you look at that slate. If the slate is at the beginning and I go, hi, I'm six foot three.

And you go, eh, a little too tall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but they know. They know when they're calling you in. If they're doing their job and they're good at their job. Why am I going to trust that anyone's doing their job in this world? Then why are you doing it? Why are you auditioning?

But I'm saying like what improvements any improvements to be made in the system? Of course. Well I think there's a human level. Feel free to have an opinion. You can agree with him or disagree with him. What solves the problem is getting Sometimes you get into this thing of like someone has to have the full answer right. I don't see a I think what solves the problem is getting... Sometimes you get into this thing of like, someone has to have the full answer right.

Like, I don't see a... I think it's so... I don't see a... I don't feel like you're fighting really on this thing. Sure, I'm just curious. Like, what do you think? I think I agree with like, I think if you made a system,

it would actually be shittier for a lot of people. There's always unintended consequences. Of course. But I agree with your thing on the cutting down of content because it is like you'll get like eight, 10, 12 page scenes of shit where you're like there's no fucking way you're looking at all this in the initial round. There's no way.

And I fully agree with that. I think calling it a job interview is insincere. You are allowing the team to bring to fruition and bring to life to test their vision out, to experiment, to explore. You're not just interviewing for a permanent job. You are literally giving them your body and your time. It's sex work. It is. It is. And that's everything everything is sex and the agents are our pimps yeah the agents are our pimps yeah i mean i i think whatever you don't pay for something it it becomes abused i feel like that's just like a

principle of life absolutely i think that if if we were back in person again, if we weren't doing these self tapes, it would limit the amount of people that they're, they can physically see in a, in a timeframe. Is that bad? Well, no, but I think it would have the effect that you're having, which is like, okay, they're more discerning about, well, let me look, is this guy six, three, because I know that he's playing against a guy who's 6'5", and that's not going to work. Or I think that would help, A. And B, I think it would also bring some humanity back

where you feel like you're connecting as opposed to filming it in your living room, pressing send, and then you're just like, well, did anybody watch it? Sure, but my point is that it's not going back to that old system. It's moving into the new. I think it's going to come back a little bit more, I think, from what I've been hearing. I have two in-person auditions coming

up. Theater certainly has shifted. I don't mind the commercial audition the first one being via a tape. Yeah, no, me either. Because sometimes you walk in, I remember I would walk in and you travel, you get on the subway and then you change

subways and you walk and you have to tell other people. You're running late and you walk in and you're like, I think you're really going to like this deal. And they're like, okay, great. That's great. Just one line and that's it. And commercials especially are so predicated on what the client

is looking for. Yeah, your type. Like it's a look, it's a vibe, it's a brand decision. It's not creative. You're not like bringing a spice to it unless you're, you know. Well, you're usually providing all the content for. Well, and that is something where if they're going to ask, because I take issue with the asking you to improvise things because it's like now you're asking me. I thought they changed that rule. But they, a lot of because it's like, now you're asking me. I thought they changed that rule.

A lot of times it's like, well, for people at some point during our career, they change something where if you add lines, you do get some extra fee. But per my original point, these things are rarely enforced. It feels impossible.

Yeah. I went to an audition once and this is a casting director that you guys all know. And I was walking with three people, me and two ladies. And when we walked in, everyone did the normal thing to the casting director.

Like, hey, how are you? How are you? And this casting director is not a sunny person and was like oh you know I'm gonna die one day and no one's gonna know my name that's like this person's dry

sense of humor and one of the girls was like oh no and he went no you're gonna die one day and you're gonna die one day and you're gonna die one day and eventually no going to die one day and you're going to die one day. And eventually no one's going to know. And so why are we here?

And then he's like, all right. And action. Oh, you're crying. And so this other girl over here was weeping and she goes, my grandmother died this morning. I shouldn't have come. And so she starts to cry so much that we were in the, he was like, Oh no. And so we were in the room trying to get her to clean up her makeup so that

she could go, I think you're really going to like this deal. That was it. It was this. Wouldn't it be nice if she at least got $25 for that shit? Yeah. Let's go to our next segment. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. Chris nailed that shit. Let's go to our next segment. This has got to stop.

This has got to stop. Chris nailed that one. You got to... I brought something. You brought a laptop? You guys have notes? I just brought something. I don't have one.

I'll go first. John Marco has to stop stealing my style wow like clothing style so first he came for my glasses and I said nothing

my clear glasses oh my god and I said nothing then he came for my suit style. This picture is amazing. This is like the exact same picture. But you helped him pick that suit out, didn't you?

I don't remember that. That's a key part of this. Douglas has helped dress me my whole life. I'm on Douglas' side. This is a promo. This is a promo for my album a long time ago. And this is a promo.

It's amazing how we're both doing the tie thing. Wow. Yeah. Okay. That's incredible. Then he decided to grow a beard. Oh, funny. Oh my God.

He decided to grow a beard. And then, I mean, that's amazing. Come on. And then he went for the full jungle scooter the jean jacket and the whole shebang John Merkle and all this is fine

because these are normal things to wear but then last night you wore white Nikes with socks halfway up your calf how dare you wow it's gotta stop wow i i'm ashamed in john marco's defense he has a team of women picking out all of his clothes now obviously so it's and and you know what? Actually, no.

No, no, no. I love this, your face that you're making. And you've been dressing better, which means you're dressing more like me. I will always remember, though, Douglas... Better than a Charizard t-shirt and fucking athletic shorts.

There was a period of time where Douglas thought that he looked more like Jeff Goldblum than me. Oh, yeah. And so we did a... Honestly, the sketches went well. They were funny. The Jeff Goldblum off. Yeah, like Jeff Goldblum than me. Oh, yeah. And so we did a, honestly, the sketches went well. They were funny.

The Jeff Goldblum off. Yeah, the Jeff Goldblum off. And like I resoundedly destroyed you. Oh, you were so bad. And we had a final sketch where whoever lost got a spit take. Yeah, oh, yeah, the spit in their face. Oh, that's funny. We both got to present why both of us were Jeff Goldblum and I.

Oh, yeah, that was so funny. That was great. But when you started growing the beard and you were like, yeah, Tova decided to Goldblum and I. Oh, yeah. That was so fun. That was great. But when you started growing the beard and you were like, yeah, Tova decided to grow a beard. I was like, uh-huh. And the glasses and the beard. It was like a moment. I was like, oh, okay, cool. It's funny because I always thought Tova was your beard.

Oh. The jean jacket picture is so good. Come on. That is amazing. I can't believe you're in a slideshow. That is so funny. I made it today. That's slideshow. That is so funny. I made it today. That's really good.

That is so funny. I love the fact that you spent almost an hour creating a slideshow. No, no. 10 minutes. 10 minutes, it was easy. 10 minutes. Canva. Canva.

Love Canva. It was not 10 minutes. It was 20 minutes. That's pretty good. Your face. Oh, no. No, no, no. That's a good list.

It's got to stop. That was the most personal list. It's got to stop. That no, no. That's a good, this has got to stop. That was the most personal, this has got to stop. That is so funny. Do you have a, this has got to stop? I don't. I want you to think of one. Doug is just so good. I'm not doing a shitty one right now.

I'm made up one. I know. Geez, now I have to go. I'm sorry. Doug, this is perfect. Chris, do you have a, this has got to stop? Well, in the podcast world, the one thing I hate, this has got to stop,

is when people undersell the early portions of their career and just sort of gloss over it where they'll be like, well, this was back when I was nobody and I had my own show

on MTV and who even cares? And it's like, what? You had a fucking show on MTV and who even cares? And it's like, what? You had a fucking show on MTV? That's crazy. This is why I can't listen to those Conan shows. I just hear it and I'm like, oh. The Remy Malek story is my favorite. Oh, the Remy Malek story where they were like,

yeah, he was doing a press junket for Bohemian Rhapsody and he was on some late night show and they're like, you had a really interesting way of how you gothapsody. And he was on some late night show. And they're like, you had a really interesting way of how you got this role. And he was like, yeah, it's so... How does he talk? He's like, yeah, it was so crazy. You know, the producer saw me

on this show on USA and just happened to see me. And it was like, Mr. Robot, Mr. Robot, that he won a Golden Globe and an Emmy for... Yeah, you were a lead of a television show and they saw you.

That's not crazy. It was like that magazine article that was like, Billy Lord's unlikely story to being in the new Star Wars. Her mom was Carrie Fisher and her dad is the president of CAA. It would be crazy if she wasn't in Star Wars.

That would be the craziest story. The twisty turny road. That got Carrie. Oh my God. Anyway, that's got to stop. Yeah. Those kind of like celebrity podcast things are sometimes they're just

so brutal because they're so out of touch. They trigger my anxiety. I like I can't listen to them going to sleep. Yeah. Because it just feels like, oh, yeah. And then when I was I hear them talking to me like, and yeah, when I was your age. Oh, I know. I was there.

Well, that's how I watch every TV show with the IMDB app open. Chris. And I'm like, how old was this person when they booked this thing? Chris. It's an illness. It's got to stop. Chris, that's crazy. The actors are so annoying.

I'm like, okay, well, he was Don Draper. He was 30 when he booked. Okay, okay. That's fine. I used to do that whenever someone died. I would go, okay, so if I died at that age, that means I have this many years left. Oh, God. Yeah, I was going, okay, so if I died at that age, that means I have this many years left. Oh, God.

Yeah, I was going through rough phases just yesterday. You were in your Cupid costume. No, it's like those articles where you get those articles like, well, Oprah didn't succeed until she was two years younger than you. Those articles you scroll

to the bottom. Alan Rickman is like the last one Alan Rickman is like but he's also one of those where it's like at 45 he got this and you're like let me look into it a little more it's like Royal Shakespeare for like 20 years there are all those weird stories

but also sometimes on those lists you're like the people that they're giving I'm like I'm never gonna be Oprah do you know what I mean you're like there's no way i have no desire i want to be a sociopath like who just like controls everything like that's what that's your take on oprah yeah you that kind of level of success those people are crazy do you know on some level i'm sorry they are yeah there's a there's a there's a there's a kind of fucked up thing about you, I think, if you have to control that many things

on all levels. So I think that Chris respects power. I know he loves the institutions. Well, I'm not going to publicly blast Oprah Winfrey. Oh, fuck Oprah. I don't fucking care. I'll take you down, Oprah.

Why would you do that? I don't like what you did to Monique, okay? I'm a Monique defender. You're signing with Monique? Let me tell you, Oprah's going to be a funny, interesting person. Yeah, I'll sign over the woman who sold us Dr. Fucking Phil.

I cannot wait for Russell to be a cast in a Broadway show produced by Oprah. I'm going to be the one who gets the fucking call that says, hey, can you delete that episode? All of it is because I like Monique and I just don't like what she did to Oprah. Well, the good news is I'm on this episode

that will never air. No, I actually don't feel that. I'm leaning in. I don't feel that passionate about Oprah, but I do think she screwed over Monique. I think her introducing Dr. Phil and some of the wackadoodle shit of fake medical bullshit onto the world,

she has not accounted for at all, and it's disgusting and revolting. I have no words about Oprah. That'll be the clip. What time is it? We gotta go. I gotta go.

Let's go into our final segment But you didn't do it That's the last skip What do you mean? I just did Oprah basically Okay good You could do crazy little ones You could do every rich person

I could do every rich person Let's do blessings Who wants to start? I'm gonna start Oh my god I can do every rich person. Let's do blessings. Who wants to start? I'm going to start. You're going to take mine. We're all going to take each other's. I promise I'm not. We haven't

done an Uncle Function show, all six of us, since December 2022, and we got to do one last night. We're getting to do another one on Friday. God damn, I love performing with all of you and with Jess and Joseph. I'm excited. It was very

great feeling when we're all in the same room. It really is. I love it. I'm thankful for that. I'll say my blessing is taking it in say my blessing is my blessing is people that come to things

your fans the Debbie Downsiders and just people that are supportive and people that want to use New York the way it's meant to be used by going out and seeing things I mean there were so many people that I met last night that were just like oh yeah I heard about you I've been wanting to see you for a while I came out tonight it's like that's amazing they came out they wanted

to have fun they were there to have fun i love those people um because i don't know it's it's hard sometimes to get up off the couch and fucking go see something live but people do it and right into the mic right into the mic buddy and if you're going out and you're seeing things live in your city in New York or wherever like good for you fucking live your life that's amazing God bless you I mean I just want to thank

Casting Society of America The O Network Vinnie Guarino no I mean I was gonna echo Russell my bless I was going to echo Russell. My bless. I'm blessed to be back in New York for this week and be able to do a show and spend time with my friends.

The transition to LA has been a bumpy road, but I'm blessed that I got to spend this week with my girlfriend and my family and you guys. And I love you very much. Love you too. Love you. My blessing. I don't know if I've ever done this specifically,

but I, I think when you, you, Chris, since you're officially the guest of, of this episode, that you were the, the one who told me,

uh, uh, gentlemanly to start using balding spray. And I think that, uh, it takes, it takes a delicate friend. And you could have, I think you're good at knowing when the like few areas where you shouldn't be punchy about it or mean about it or like joshing about it.

And some guys can't turn it off. They can't. But you were like, this matters more than anything else to this guy. His hair. Yeah. And it's because you have been using that spray. It looks great. Yeah.

Well, and what's interesting is that I did that in spite of the fact that for years you mocked my hair. As I said, most guys can't turn it off. Most guys can't and won't turn it off you don't understand how bad I feel about this like I'm going to think about this tonight oh don't feel bad Russell did far worse this episode

what did I do what did I do because I'm getting a sense you're mad at me what did I do we got to wrap it up nope we need to air this out real quick where can people see

your girlfriend oh my god I'm so annoyed at you I'm not I have work to do I'm not I'm not talking what

we'll see each other in LA what are you mad about what could you possibly be mad about tell us where to plug plug your girlfriend please why girl where can I plug myself

is this about then we'll get to you too oh okay my girlfriend Natalie Grace Ortega is currently playing Nessa Rose on Wicked on Broadway in Wicked. It's so fantastic. I saw it again on Sunday. The cast

is incredible. What do you think of Wicked? I was always impressed that it's about Wizard of Oz before it happens. That's what I like about it. Every Wizard of Oz reference goes, oh, just don't reference. I just think they do a good

job of showing what happened before. Well, listen, not everything can be that Bachelorette show. That's so true. But Wicked, sure, for all its flaws, is pretty good. It is pretty good. Produced by Oprah Winfrey. She'll be in it for a while. She'll be Oprah Winfrey. But she'll be in it for...

And Mark Platt. She'll be in it for a while. She'll be in it until March 2nd, so go see it. Go see it. And at the stage, tell her that you came

for Debbie Downsider. Yeah. You'll get 15% off merch. Yeah. Not true. That show needs a plug. Wicked needs a plug. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're struggling. It's just crazy. We gotta plug Wicked. I mean, was it as... Because we saw... I mean, we saw a special night. It was her're struggling. It's just crazy. I mean, was it, was it as, cause we saw, I mean, we saw a special night.

It was her first and some people's first night. Yes. But is that energy? Was it there every time? Like, like there's like people dressed in greens, like a premiere for a movie. Yeah.

Every show. Yeah. I mean, it really, I went at 3 PM on a Sunday. It was like gorgeous out, not an empty seat in the house i mean it was that night we saw it together it was electric that was like special because they dropped a glass it was

so yeah um but i mean yeah it was incredible i was sitting sort of on the edge and i was like looking out there's 2 000 people in the crowd every night and it's just like everyone's just in awe every single night eight times a a week. For 20 plus years. For 20 plus years. Yeah. And we were talking about like the number of people that it takes to like work together to flawlessly keep this machine running and the thousands of families that they've supported over the years.

It's crazy. It's crazy. Trickle down economics, I think, is really something that we don't give enough credit. I know it's hard for you to watch the show. Cause you're rooting for the wizard the whole time. I am. I am.

Yeah. Well, because listen, as a man with no talent, who's trying to convince people he's a, he's a leader. I think that, uh,

I empathize. Uh, uh, so where can people find you? At Seek a Pharaoh across internet platforms. Um, I live in LA. I'm performing at shows across LA.

We're going to be doing Netflix is a Joke in May. Got a couple other shows coming up. I don't know the details. So just follow me on Instagram at C. Caffaro. You're doing more shows out there. I thought your character last night did so well. It's just so good to see you figure out that character. You did it at an LA show, right?

Yeah. Like just to figure out that. To do did it at an LA show, right? Yeah. Like just to figure out that. To do character shows is very hard. It's hard. It's such a hard thing to do. And it was really cool to see this thing that you did on a character show kind of. You killed it.

Really come to life. Thank you. The one last night, that was the first time I had ever done that. That was the first time you had ever done that. That was really fun. I think that would kill at just a, you know, one of these shows.

Random shows. Yeah, I think so. So follow him because he's posting them. Follow me. That'd really fun. I think that would kill it just to, you know, these shows. Yeah, I think so. So follow him because he's posting them. Follow me. That'd be great. You can follow me at TheDouglasG across, you know, TikTok and Instagram and you'll see some funny things.

We'll put some commercial links in the description of different commercials. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Jeez, my God. So many. I mean, there's a bunch. There's a bunch. Not lately. They're still pretty good. Yeah. They're pretty good. There's a bunch.

Not lately. They're still pretty good. Blessing? Not blessing. Oh, just at Russ J. Daniels. Nothing else to plug right now. Oh, I have where this is coming out. This episode is coming out. I love that you crumpled it up every time.

May 21st. Mother's Day. Did you know that? No, I didn't know that. Did you know that? No. You fuck. I don't know that either. What? You don't know that either? Is May 21st Mother's Day? No, it's not. No, it's May 21st is a Tuesday. You said it with... May 21st is a Tuesday. Yeah, it's called improv.

Okay? Fucking roll with it. John Marker, are you mad at me? What happened? Please join the Patreon. Patreon.com. Why are you not? For people who like podcasts, if they want a successful one, it's at the Royals of Malibu.

It was the number one fiction podcast in the country last year. I'm the romantic lead of it. It's really fun. There's a companion podcast that I host with my brother Nick the more successful, more handsome more talented brother. But he's

taller. So sucks to be him. He it's called the Royal Boys. That's our podcast. And yeah, you know Nick from Grey's Anatomy. Grey's Anatomy. Jesus fucking Christ. The biggest. The office. The biggest, the office. The office. And let's

plug again one more time for the Patreon. Patreon.com slash downside. You get access to our recent episode with Moshe Kasher. It's motion capture. What's your number are you at right now with things?

There's a new thing with Patreon where you can, and feel free to do this too, where you can be like a free member for seven days and decide to opt out. So I don't know if we're counting that number or the other. Whatever, 150 gets one of those dicks. Flaccid dicks. Send it to him.

Sure. More postage. Sure. Thanks for offering that labor. Guys, if you join the Patreon now, Douglas will write you a three-minute song about putting things in his ass and you'll be the name of the thing

that he puts in his ass. Join the Patreon, patreon.com slash downside. I'm on tour. I believe I'm going to Europe now. Probably still tickets left for Dublin, Barcelona. They would not let me add a second show because they were not confident in my sales. This is The Downside.

My God. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi.