The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #222 Goat Meat with Ira Madison III

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

Ira Madison III joins to discuss the nuances of Fire Island org*es, not speaking to your dad since you were 10, why you shouldn’t RSVP 30 minutes before the party, and how R. L. Stine affected our psyches.  You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon free for 7 days for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Ira on Instagram Subscribe to Ira's Substack newsletter: https://iramadison.substack.com/ Listen to Ira's podcast, Keep It: https://crooked.com/podcast-series/keep-it/ Follow The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi on Instagram Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Technical production by Chris Mueller Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. We're all good? We got this TV? We'll see if we do it. Now, have you figured out a way to record it simultaneously, or is that too come? Great. Great. Perfect. This is really exciting.

It is. We'll be able to probably in the future have the logo up there, don't you think? Just for the guest's sake? I don't know. Yeah, I guess. We're recording now, yeah? Yeah, we're recording now yeah i uh yeah why would you i don't know aesthetically it might be nice you know you got notes on the aesthetics no you you almost canceled the patreon because you couldn't get your calendar together you got notes on the aesthetics yeah i do i got fucking notes okay hey um now you feel good about we're recording this yeah oh okay you feel yeah that's what we do here generally um now you feel good about we're reporting this yeah oh okay you feel yeah that's what we do here generally yeah now you feel good you feel good about uh i don't want to upset our

producer but i want to ask you placement you happy with it yeah i love it no it's not too high yeah i actually didn't notice it for like a long time while i was waiting okay i like sat down and and he and then all of a sudden there's tv we'll figure out the files right now. It says Russell Opera Final and Baldwin the Cocksucker. Baldwin the Cocksucker. We know what that is. Welcome to The Downside. My name is Jamarcus Oresi. I'm here with my co-host, Russell Daniels, whose haircut is looking good.

It took a little bit of time. Sometimes they take a week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take a week or two. That's why you went to Barbados. To get out of town. So no one could see you. We're here with our amazing guest, Ira Madison III.

Hello. Hi. How are you? Good. Did you change colored glasses? I had on sunglasses. Oh. Oh.

It's because they were the same frame. They were chunky. So I was like, you have the same. Wow, that style. Yeah. I was actually with some friends on Fire Island. And I've had these for a while, the black ones. And multiple of them came to me and said, you have to get these yellow sunglasses.

Because they're you. And I went there and they were me. Sure. Yeah. I'm trying to go to Fire Island with Jay, our mutual friend Jay. Oh, okay. I'd love for Russell to go. He's wild in Fire Island.

Is he? Well, I told Jay I want to feel very physically secure before I go with Jay. Is that why you're bringing me? No, that's... No, Russell and I said our dream, I guess this is a little. Our dream? I hope this isn't too objectifying. Our dream is to be at a party where we're just chilling, eating crudités while there's an orgy around us.

Okay. But we're just chill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're just talking. And listen, if something happened, sure. Yeah, yeah. But we're just chill. You know what?

There is crudités at some of them. Are there? Yeah. Is it specific? How does it work? Do people have houses? We don't know how it works. You rent houses there.

And you can just rent it for a week or days? My friends and I have a share. So you can rent that for several weeks out of the summer. Or you can sort of rent a place just randomly um if it's like on airbnb or wherever so do you mind if we ask you about orgies because i i've never been so this shared house do you have any is you have orgies at this house not ours not yours and was that discussion when you got to share they said hey this is we're just not those people okay you know uh you can pop into one there's plenty of our friends who do but you know

having one at your own house is very i don't like people in my house whoopi goldberg you know yes you know i don't want a man in my house i don't want anybody in my house let alone 30 yeah um wait is that a whoopi goldberg bit uh it's a quote she would ask about getting married she said i don't want a man in my house i thought you were saying like i don't want whoopi goldberg i was like it's a very specific person i love i love whoopi i don't want to be married i don't want a man in my house. I thought you were saying like, I don't want Whoopi Goldberg in my house. I was like, it's a very specific person to not want in your house. I love Whoopi. Whoopi said,

I don't want to be married. I don't want to get married. I like my own thing. She said, I don't want a man in my house. Okay. What was her euphemism though? She had some euphemism like,

yeah, I like to, I like to fuck. Yeah. Something about like, she still likes to have fun. I don't know. Yeah.

Very specific. So it was very, it was like for the view. Yeah. You know, she wasn't like, I like to get dicked down every once in a while. Yeah. So at a party, if it's moving, does someone say, hey, there's an orgy at John's?

Or is it more like, hey, we're going over there. Everyone's feeling a little loose. Right. So obviously there are ones where specific people are invited. They're letting people that they're into know that they're having one. And that's like a private one. And then there's like a party where you just hear there's a party at like so-and-so Fire Island Boulevard. And you know what that party is going to be, but then you can go there.

You know. You just know. Yeah. You just know because the people tell you. Okay or you know who's hosting it do some people go to the orgy and go oh i'm just here to to chill and vibe well i mean we have gone to one before when the regular party we were at like the the deck stopped working so the person wasn't able to dj anymore um so we're like well we're up we want to go to our after party so we just showed up okay and hung out in the kitchen um and they had like a platter they had plenty of liquor um champagne these were dc gays oh okay well dc

people very like i was about to be like oh oh, DC guys. Well, we hate them. We hate them in general. Just people from DC. Uh-huh. Yeah, but... That's where I grew up. They do know how to put, you know, they know how to present. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Interesting. I think if I was a participant in the orgy, I just fear rejection the whole time. I'd fear it'd be like, hi. And I'd be like, mm. Yeah. It's a lot of capacity for hurt feelings.

That's my that's my question. Is orgies end with some some people feeling really butthurt, so to speak? You know, I mean, there's someone who's attracted to everybody. But, you know, the white gays of Fire Island are typically attracted to one thing. So you might get hurt if you're not that. The way that I am at a party, I know is the way I'd be at an orgy, which means I would kind of be sitting in a corner

hoping someone would come over to me. Yeah. Just on my phone, completely nude. Like this. But I feel like crudités, there's some crudités that you wouldn't want. You'd want everything to smell good. Yeah.

Carrots, I would think. Specific foods. Baby carrots. Yeah. Chips. Chips. But salt and vinegar, suddenly everyone's got salt and vinegar on them. Yeah, well, you know. We're going to have to go. Hummus. But don't you think at some point you'd be like, you know, lick this hummus off my...

Oh my god. Now there are parties where the vibe is loose orgy. Uh-huh. And that it's actually a party. But there is a room where people are having sex. And it's a room, though. It's like, that's the room. It's the room.

It's not just like, whoa, that couch. Yeah, it's just like, it's not like out in, you know, open air. Got it. Because I went to, I did a show at a sex club here once. And but it was like it was short enough after COVID. It was still like quarter capacity sex club. Oh, my God. And all I remember is like it was straight bumping and grinding during the comedy show.

I was expecting like. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I was expecting like... Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. But there's probably rules for clubs, right? Especially like... No. Yeah, I don't know if this was operating within the rules. That's true. You're right. Yeah, most doubt. Because strip clubs

here... So I'm not a strip club guy. I like this guy. I not a strip club guy. I like this guy. I like a strip club. Really? Yeah. I don't like to be, I don't like to feel horny and then just, just get over it.

That's fair. I mean, I'm not attracted to the women. You know, I've never, like, I truly, like, I would understand strip clubs if it was like, oh, I'm then paying for sex work and we're having sex and I'm going to come. But the idea of just being hard with the boys and then swallowing it and then going back to talking, that's not my jam. True. I like strip clubs with women. Yes.

I like that because I'm not horny there. Would you get a lap dance just to be like, what is it like? I've had one before because I was being very nice to this woman. But I was like, that's enough. There's a lot of pressure. They put a lot of pressure on you sometimes to do it. That's the other thing I don't like. It's like too much.

They're vultures. Yeah. Yeah. Which makes sense. They got to pay the rent. For sure. But I like to sit in the front and throw bills. Are there that many gay strip clubs?

Or no, they just go, let's just do the orgy instead. What are we doing? I know. Yeah, there's not really gay strip clubs. This is why I prefer like... There's like ones for women. Yeah, I go to like Jumbo's in LA. I used to go there.

They're called libraries. Yeah, I like seeing women do like working the pole, you know? Sure. Yeah. Well, it's very funny when it's when it's uh lazy it's very i i just saw there's just one where there's just we're covering this just like and i was like i can do it better than that i i so in new york at least i went to a strip club with my friend once and it was just like topless.

And that was it. My first strip club was in Baltimore. And I don't know if I've told this fully on here, but that was like, I was 18. I was a virgin. Full nude. Full nude. And the lap dances, you paid $40, I think, for a song. And you went in like a back area with all these lazy boy type couches. Real springy.

And they put down a towel. And the woman, she would... I mean, it was insane. It was insane. The thing that I didn't like, they were really into doing showing off their isolation skills. So they'd put their butt in your face, and then they'd be like, boop, boop, boop, boop.

And I was like i was like cool but not they do the boobs too not what i'm paying for and then it was just i think at 18 it was so confusing because it i knew not to touch yeah but they would like put your hands on their ass and you were like yes yes you're making them like all like a fish but you you you you were afraid to like i was scared to do anything. Same thing as I remember one time, I think I've told on this, but when I got motorboated and I was so nervous.

Wait, you got motorboated. I was... The super motorboated me. Wait, no. She motorboated me. No, I motorboated... Her boobs were hitting my face. You were motorboated. I was motorboated me. Wait. No, I motorboated. Wait. What did you do? Her boobs were hitting my face. Oh, so that's not.

I was motorboated. I don't know if that's, because motorboating is when you put your face in and you go. You're saying they. Here's what happened. But they had strict rules. But like she went to do it. I thought she got your tits. She put me.

No, no. She put my face between her tits and started doing it. But I was so nervous that i was like i like pulled my lips in because i didn't want her to think i was like trying to do anything inappropriate of course i was like you know you're just like a baby rejecting broccoli um and then and then mine again 18. I don't think I had even fingered someone before. She fingered herself. Okay.

And then gave me a wet willy. Oh. Oh. Where was this? Did you not know this? No. Yeah, this was in Baltimore. That sounds like Baltimore.

Yeah. I mean, it was shocking. I ran at my friends because I was in a lap dance. They were watching and I was like, I just got fingered. And then...

It was... It was... People are always... They are grossed out by it, but like at that age... Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. It was... I didn't wash my ear for days. This is the downside. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside.

With Gianmarco Cerezi. Welcome to The Downside. My name is Gianmarco Cerezi. This is a place where we get negative, we complain. Sometimes we get too much sex right in there. Yeah. Right in there. And that, I'm sure we could watch the viewers just dip.

But tell your hornier friends that this is the episode to start with. If you're a fan of the show, join the Patreon at patreon.com slash downside. Bonus episodes, live episodes, my comedy special, The Rats Are In Me, and footage from our live tour, which has wrapped by the time this comes out, July

30th. Ira Madison, the third writer, podcaster. And is there anything else you like in there? No. No? You got a book coming out soon, though? I do. Author.

February. Author. Feels like you did something. Writer. Yeah. We all write. Author. Yeah. Very happy to have you. We all write. Author. Yeah.

Very happy to have you. Thank you. The Third. Yeah. Whenever I hear it or see it, it makes me want to go, The Third. It's very regal. Yeah. Did you add it later when you became a pro and you're like, this sounds good?

Or as a kid, were you like, The Third? I did add it later. I have like a hy and you're like, this sounds good. Or as like a kid, were you like the third? I did add it later. I have like a hyphenated last name too. My mom and my dad. And I've gone, I feel like through every school I've gone through, I've gone through different versions of my last name until I finally settled on Ira Madison III. What were the other versions that you?

Well, like my mom's last name is Sherrod. So Ira Sher, Madison III. That's a lot. Sometimes the Madison wasn't there. If you look at old diplomas or yearbooks, it's a lot of names. Someone's buzzing. We're ignoring it.

Don't know what it is. Okay. I don't think we have another guest. That happens in my apartment all the time when I'm recording. Oh, yeah? Because I record from home now cause it's just, it's easier than being in a studio.

Sure. Um, mostly because the crooked media studio is in LA and here they just send me somewhere. And I said, I'm going to record at home. Uh, but I live in West village and I live in a building with obviously without a

doorman. And so all day, delivery people are just pressing random buzzers so that they can get in, which is brutal when I'm recording. But then you appreciate it when you're not at home and your delivery's inside. Yes. Yes, I do agree. Somehow, somehow, a buzz, they knock, the super says, we have to install the thing now or the apartment will explode. And I say, no. And Russell gets stressed.

Nicole always asks. We have that little monitor and always asks who it is. I never ask. Yeah, we just let them in. And I just let them in. Because I hate talking to someone through the little thing. I can't understand what they're saying. I tell Tom, I'm like, did you order some knives?

There's a guy holding one right outside. I can't understand what they're saying. I tell Tova, I'm like, did you order some knives? There's a guy holding one right outside. I just let him in. I had my wallet stolen. I had my wallet stolen. It was stolen? I thought you lost it. Oh, it was stolen. Wait, how was your wallet stolen? So first of all, I have

mild ADD of something. I lose stuff a lot. Never the wallet. And it's just because it's always on my purse. Yeah. Tova, my girlfriend, wants to, she goes, wear baggier clothes.

No one's into tight jeans anymore. So I go, okay. I'm wearing these baggy clothes. Looking like, sometimes I look in the mirror, I'm like, do I look like,

like, you know, a Steve Buscemi with the skateboard in the high school? I really worry that that's what I am sometimes. Yeah. So, but, but, you know, a lot of these pants, they're ties, not belts.

And so I tie it and they're loose. And so the wallet was weighing it down. It was too heavy. So for the first time, never I do this, I put it in my backpack. Now my backpack, that's where the problems start. I leave that shit unzipped all the time. So I'm running around. I go to a show. I leave that shit unzipped all the time. So I'm running around.

I go to a show. I want to leave the second the show's over. I'm going down the escalator. And I saw some guy going up. He looked like he mouthed something to someone behind me. I clocked it in a small way. In my head, I thought, what is he, on vocal rest? And then I get to the platform.

I look for my wallet. My bag's wide open, open i see and then i can't find the wallet i'm like oh my god oh my god i i i go from when it comes to the wallet i go from zero to a trillion yeah in terms of uh a inappropriate uh rage yeah and um I run back to the space. This was the worst. I'm running back to the show. People are now shuffling out. And it was a good set. I hope this part

doesn't come off cocky. I walk in. I'm running. Yeah. Fuck! Fuck! There's an old man leaving. He goes,

oh my God, you were so... Oh no. Thank you, thank you. I'm sorry. I can't... I think I lost my wallet. I go up in the space. Three more people. Oh my God. Thank you, thank and I think, I'm sorry, I can't, I think I lost my wallet. I go up in the space, three more people.

Oh my God, I go into the space, it's empty, it's clear, the wall's not there. I'm in that space, I'm going, let's just be honest. Fuck, God fucking damn it. I come back out, now they're looking at me like, I thought it was a good set. And, you know, for a second I'm hoping maybe I lost it was a good set. And for a second, I'm hoping maybe I lost it. But I'm remembering that weird moment. And then, boom, right in my phone, Chase Fraud Alert. Did you order something from Timu for $30?

Oh, my god. My question is, Timu for $30. Timu is a bad move. Use Amazon. More likely, I'm going to do Amazon. $30. Mm-hmm. That's a, T-Moose is a bad move. Yeah. Use Amazon. More likely I'm going to do Amazon. $30. Yeah.

Wait, do they, do they test it out on something small to see if they can get, like, small, you know,

and then, and then. Basically what they should have done, they should have bought, like, Merrily We Roll Along tickets at the top price. And Amex would be like,

well, it's him. But I wouldn't know what to do. I would be, if I stole someone's wallet, I wouldn't know what the first thing of what to do. Like I would be sort of getting caught because you can't buy something in person, right? You'll be on camera. Like you

have to do it online, right? How am I going to track down the camera? I mean, like Tova said, you could try to get the footage from the escalator in the MTA. That seems stressful. Like I watched The Closer and other procedurals. And I can't imagine, you know, it seems stressful on TV. I can't imagine going to the MTA.

They're not going to help you. First of all, the L doesn't even work. Of course. So imagine going to them and saying, we're going to need that footage. It's going to take three years. All right. Yeah. Yeah.

I once lost a phone on Metro North, or I left it there, and I watched it on my tracker go all the way north and then start going back, and then it went away. I thought maybe they had it. So I went to the lost and found area of the MTA. This was years ago. So I went to the lost and found area of the MTA. This was years ago. And it's like a little station, I think in Penn. And they had, I mean, it is a room filled with thousands of iPhones.

Thousands of iPhones. And not mine. And I mean, I couldn't believe it. Like, what if it died? Sure. I think they said, are any of these yours? And I said, I can't go through. I mean, it's so inconvenient. You go, fuck it.

That happened to me. You brought up Merrily We Roll Along. And so I went to see the show. I went to see a matinee last year at some point. My AirPods, during, we're sitting down for intermission. Intermission's over. We're sitting down for intermission uh for intermissions over we're sitting down for act two i feel i hear like something fall and i know it's my airpods but then the lights go down immediately and the show starts and i'm like you know what i'll get them when the show's over

yeah yeah they cost less than the tickets yes well the tickets were comped. But anyway, story. I'm not bragging about merely reroll-along tickets. Compa, as in you stole someone's wallet and you bought them with it. I stole yours. Yeah. Lights go up after the show's over. You know, the standing ovation. People start to file out. And now I am looking for my AirPods.

And I cannot find them but it says they're in the building so i'm running around usher stole them two ushers i'm running around uh lost and found no one can find them oh they're still in the building my My friend and I go and we have a drink and I'm complaining about it and then I see the AirPods moving to Grand Central Station. I'm like, what is happening? Are they leaving?

No. Then later in the evening, my friend and I are still hanging out, I see them move back to Times Square to another theater. So clearly, some person around me picked up the airpods thought they were there thought they were theirs or just took them yeah and we're just hanging out during the day and then went to see another show and then went to westchester you never got him no i'm like what am i gonna do go to westchester show up at this person's house

you can like lock it yeah you can send a message it's it's easier on your phone i feel like but airpods like if there were a voice where you could say hey these aren't your fucking airpods yeah return them that would be nice if you could install that is that the baby yeah hey hey these are not yours. Yeah. Are you just talking to them all day while they're using them? So then they return them because they're annoyed. Yeah. I one time left a full suitcase. It was after an Uncle Function show.

Full suitcase, my laptop, everything important in my life. Wallet, everything was in this suitcase in the back of a taxi. And it was a taxi, an uber so good luck it was a horrible night it left as soon as i left as soon as it like as soon as i got out of the car and it realized remembered it was in the trunk and he left without and i was like oh fuck fuck fuck it was such a process i got it back how did it did you get it? But it's only because I was like, I have to do this right now, tonight. Otherwise, it's gone forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had to contact my credit card company to find out what car thing. They located the garage that it belonged to and blah, blah, blah. We were able to nail down with the garage who it was, send a message to him in the middle of the night, basically, but he didn't speak English. So it was like this whole big thing. And then eventually I was able to, the next day, drive out to Queens to meet his daughter who had the suitcase and gave it to me.

Sounds like a meet cute. It does. It was very special. Did you leave a tip? I did, yeah. Oh, yeah. How much were you talking? I don't remember at the time, but I remember giving, I remember, I mean, I tipped.

Here's a tip. Tell your dad to check the trunk before driving off next time. I tipped him originally, but I remember giving her money, too, because I had cash. I was like, but. Because Uber has a cool feature where if you leave something, you can report it, and it pays them 20 bucks, I guess, automatically to bring it back to you. But then one time they said, Uber doesn't actually give us that money and so i gave them 20 bucks and as i left i said i know i was scam yeah 40 bucks yeah so they love to scam you know ubers are not going to complain about ubers later because you know you said don't complain about travel things but yeah ubers have you noticed that for one you order an xl these aren't xls anymore i've never ordered an

xl in my life but oh really i in fact when uber puts the xl first i go how they're very loose with what they consider it's like it's supposed to be six people it's like it fits four or like the back is like for a wheelchair yeah yeah you don't order xls i've never i've never had five friends i never want to go anywhere how else you're gonna get to the club from the pregame like three people gotta call cars and then that's how you get to the club the club the club it's going to club the same reason i don't go to a strip club we're gonna feel horny and then just sit is that what happens when you go to any club the club is the same reason I don't go to a strip club. We're going to feel horny and then just sit. Is that what happens when you go to any club? The club is where you dance.

I've been to a club three times, and one of them was a gay club. And it was all in college. I mean, it was at Miami. We've got to get you to Basement. Tell me why. I mean, it's like a dance club. It's a good one? Yeah, it's great.

Because what was my friend telling me about horse meat? Horse meat disco is a very horny party. You know what? That's like part orgy vibes. But there's a dark room. There's a dark room? It's a dark room. Yeah.

How dark? It's a shed out in the back. Oh, my God. It's a shed? Is it air conditioned? It's in the back of the knockdown center. It is not. It's hot.

Yeah. It's hot physically. And the sound the back of the knockdown center. It is not. It's hot. Yeah. It's hot physically, and the sound. Oh, the knockdown center. It's like the witch. It's very 824 horror movie. Oh, yeah? If you've been in there. Yeah, because it's just dark.

You can't really see someone. You're in there with someone. This is so intense. A face pops up in the light, and it's like one of your close friends, and you're like, ah, get away from me. Wait, the knockdown center in Queens it's big yeah it's been a concerts there yeah so the knockdown center is there they heard concerts there it's where horse meat disco is great it's huge venue though yeah there's like so many different rooms and beneath it oh it's beneath it

is the club basement which is very like European dance club vibes. I just love the name Horse Meat. I just love to see just like men expressing fully what they want the night to be. I mean, like, you know, it'd be like, wait, we can't. Hey, let's go over to the slippery puss. Horse Meat, ketamine and dick You know Oh, ketamine, that's what it's referencing to

No, but I'm just saying, horse Ketamine, haven't done it yet Horse, do they used to call heroin horse? Did they? Maybe they might have, but I feel like they give ketamine To horses Right? And so Whenever people make horse jokes

It's referencing ket of me now. Oh, okay. I don't know the whole heroin lingo. Maybe I'm making that up. This is intimidating. Whenever I just think of it. Heroin? No horses.

Oh. That's a big dick. Well, I mean, it's not like it's either you or a horse that's going to fuck your girlfriend. What do you mean? You don't have to compare yourself to a horse. I just worry when I get in there at the line, they'd be like, you going to come in? Let's see.

I don't think that's how it works. This is horse meat. You go over to goat meat. Goat meat. That's the animal. Okay. If you had to just quick, don't think about it. What animal is most accurate to you?

I've never seen a goat's dick. Have you? No, I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful that I'm at least average for goat. You've got to imagine if horses are so big, goats can't be that bad. They've got to be okay. Sure. Donkeys? Donkeys, I think those are pretty big.

Donkey dick. He's got a donkey dick. But then it's because it'd be surprising. Ducks have that long thing. Do they? Ducks have a, it's a weird corkscrew thing. It like drops like a corkscrew. I don't like that.

Yeah. Yeah, it's an evolution. It's got to like move. So you grew up in Milwaukee. I did. I don't know anything about Milwaukee. Okay. Did you like it? Yeah. It's all right. I did. I don't know anything about Milwaukee. Did you like it?

Yeah, it's all right. Oh, I want to ask about your name. Who's the third? Who's second and who's one? Is it assumed dad's side if it's one, two, three? They're dead. I know they're dead. Yeah, to me.

I don't know anything about either of them, to be honest. Really? To be fair, it's a very complicated story in that it's not that complicated but Lee is my middle name okay and so I am technically the third Ira Lee okay but I'm it's not from my dad's I I'm named after my uncle okay mmm so I was just put the third on my birth certificate is at least your uncle Is he the second? Yes he's the second and I'm named after my uncle Because he died four months before I was born

Oh Yeah Good guy? Yeah he was a marine died in a car crash I'm sorry Yeah I know Because I know I know one other third. I don't know any seconds.

You don't hear about the seconds that much. I think they just are like junior, senior maybe. It doesn't really come into play until the third comes along. Because my uncle was a junior. Like he was a... I mean, they didn't call him junior, but he had the same name. I just can't imagine in today's world, as much as I might like to, if I had a son and I said his name is Joe Marco, the looks...

You see? You see? That used to just be a thing. I'd be like, okay, we got one, you know? I don't know if we need to. Joe Marco Junior. Junior also feels very... Yeah, Junior...

It's not Italian. You can't really take a person serious if they're feels very... Yeah, Jr. Yeah. It's not Italian. You can't really take a person serious if they're a junior. Sure, sure. Donald Trump Jr. That's all I can think about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a serious thing. But they'd probably like...

Your son would have a nickname. Gianni. Gianni. Yeah. Gianni Marco. I'd call him Donald Trump Jr. By the way, if you meet someone named Trey, they're usually a third. Really?

Because Trey is the nickname for... Trey Stewart is a comedian, I know. Yeah. Trey is probably not his first name. Wow. It might be, but a lot of people who... Third is like a nickname for Trey. Trey is the nickname for Third.

And you just make it Trey and get rid of the name altogether? Yeah. So a lot of people who are named Trey, Trey is not their first name. They're just going by Trey as a nickname. It'd be cool to be the ninth. Yeah. Or the fifth, sixth, seventh.

I think that'd be... Probably people would ask you all the time. I know I already asked you just now for Third, but if you were the ninth, that's going to be every conversation you ever have for the rest of your life. Yeah. Are you looking to have a kid? No.

But if I were, I would love a fourth and a fifth named Ira. Oh. So you'd have two kids if I had two, Ira? Yeah. That's fun. Yeah, very Shakespeare vibes, you know. Now, as I said earlier, I think we're recording this a little bit early. And so what we have to do is we just have to guess.

What do you predict election-wise we're at July 30th? What's just happened? Trump just announced J.D. Vance's vice presidential nominee. Did he? As I was en route here? That asshole. So where do you think it's at right now? Biden still in?

July 30th. July 30th. What do you think? Crooked media zone. Ira Madison III. Biden is barricading his door. Sure. While people are trying to drag him out. Yeah, sure.

I don't think he's leaving. Is Jill on the inside? Yeah, Jill's on the inside. I don't think he's bowing out. I don't think so either. Yeah. He is. I mean, I love...

I would love it, but I don't think he is. There were so many like chances For him to do it That press conference was basically like You want me to bow out Well honestly looking back thank god he didn't Because it would have been buried By you know

The thing Makes you think Did he know Did he know I have been having the time of my life Makes you think. Yeah. Did he know? Did he know? Did he know? Did he know? I have been having the time of my life reading conspiracy theories. I know. They are so fun.

So tell me why you enjoy them. Because here's, I think I read them and I go, man, we are, this is not sustainable to think this way about everything. Do you have any, is there any sea, any thread of you that goes, maybe? A little bit, but I will say that's just because of the internet. And you're seeing stupid people's thoughts just thrown at you because of the algorithm. Right? You have to imagine that these crackpots existed forever. You know, people have always had conspiracies.

They used to just like call into the radio. When you'd be driving and you hear talk radio, like someone would call in and be like, I think the president was abducted by aliens or whatever. But now they're like online. And because they're showing up in your feed and so many people retweet them and people you know even retweet them, it makes it seem like more people are psychotic. It's so crazy to like when something like what just happened and people overanalyze like a one to two second clip of something and they're like how come they reacted that way and you're like because it was one second it was what you're looking at and who

knows what you would react to if you were looking at one second of your life 99 a gunshot happens and you didn't react in one second and now you're like what did that crazy lady behind trump no nothing she probably was looking at her phone and has a hearing problem and didn't even know what was happening. And that's all the answer it is. And but like you look at we look at these videos and you're like, how come this Secret Service agent like moved her hand here when she should have moved it? And you're like, because it was one second you're looking at. It's just like it's so crazy. 99% of all conspiracy theories can be explained away by incompetence

yeah it was just incompetence why didn't they see him on the roof incompetence the guy who was supposed to do it was sick that day yeah he was sleepy so they brought a woman conservatives are really mad about that with his women Secret Service agents and then they are upset the women yeah the consumers are really mad about these women i don't want to i have no i have no sympathy period let me just end the sentence i have no sympathy anymore left but like man does it gotta feel like shit to like there's shootings it's the one time of your job you have to do like the worst part of it that's the bad day at the job. Hey, how was work today?

It was bad. Someone shot. They did it today. Yeah. And you run on stage. You feel the adrenaline and the fear. And who knows? You got some of Trump's blood on you.

It's gross. And what does the internet do? They go, what the fuck? Who is this loser up there? And also, what a job. On a good day, your job, you got to listen to Donald Trump speeches all day long. On a bad day, your job, you're getting shot at. It's like a nightmare job.

Maybe they went home, good day, I only had to hear half the speech. You know what part of the problem I think is? You know what part of the problem I think is? The women who are Secret Service agents look a little, you know, trunchbull, a little, you know, like muscular. Maybe Trump requested that. We need to bring back armed and fabulous secret agents like Sandra Bullock and Miss Congeniality. She was a Secret Service agent.

If they were hot, you think conservatives would be complaining? No. Sure. You're right. Though they'll be, you think conservatives would be complaining? No. Sure. You're right. Though they'll be small enough, maybe something will get past them. Sometimes I don't know what body shaming is anymore. Yeah. Every time someone disagrees politically, we all shift and we go, well, now we're going to insult their appearance.

And we go, okay, so we're all agreeing that we're all still having these evil, horrible thoughts. Yeah. You're a season when you want to say something, you're desperate that they share it. They're transphobic. And you'll be like, oh, thank God I can finally talk about their thin little lips.

Isn't it great when you hear someone that you know, sort of body check with someone or saying like, this person is absolutely ugly. And then you kind of start to wonder, what do they think about me? Like what's in their head? Like what are

they thinking about when they look at me every day? Of course. That's what my brain does. Yeah. Do you want me to tell you? Sure. The Sephora savings event is here. World in my hand. I'll take this and that.

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Yes. Do you know your dad at all? I know of him. You ever meet him? Yeah. He vanished after I was 10. After you were 10? Yeah.

Yeah. Do you know he's alive? Yes, because I rarely go home. But at a certain point, he resurfaced and sometimes goes to family events. Oh. But I've never been to one. You've never been the one that he's happened to come by? No, because I'm really in Milwaukee.

So I've never been at a family event with him. I've not been in the same room as him since I was 10. When you say family event, you mean both sides coming together? Or his side? My mom's side. Just your mom's side and he just comes by? He'll pop by. Yeah, he's coming to like birthdays and sort of like other events. A few years ago, around like COVID, like my grandmother had breast cancer and then she survived.

But he, I think, was coming around sort of then. And then my sister was getting married. And so, yeah. Did he go to the wedding? He was supposed to, was coming around sort of then. And then my sister was getting married. And so, yeah. Did you go to the wedding? He was supposed to, but then didn't come. And you're not talking no text or email? No, we've never talked since I was 10. Since you were 10.

Can you imagine if you were at a party at Fire Island and he's just like, hey. Do other people in your family, do they yeah they talk to them they talk to them and they do they ever try to get you to talk to them no no yeah now I have a lot of parent issues and I had people

fill in certain roles in my life that I like look back and I'm like oh I was relying on them to be another figure of authority or knowledge or safety or wisdom. Were there any other people in your life or did your mom... My grandmother mostly raised me. Really?

Yeah. How old was she when you were a kid? I am always forgetting my grandmother's age, but I know she was born in 1948. 48? Yes. Okay, cool. Because my dad's age. But I know she was born in 1948. 48? Yes. Okay, cool.

Because my dad's 1954. So young. Yeah. Okay. And she's around still. She's around still. She's like 75. My great-grandmother recently died.

Oh, my God. Great. Yeah. This year, actually. In her 90s. 90s. Yeah. That's what I'm hoping for. I'm hoping to break the 100. I don't want to get there you want to break 100 oh yeah i'll be pissed if i don't i don't want to

die no yeah maybe we won't by then she thought i was my dead gay uncle for like the past 15 years i like it's time to go and you're like you got one out of three um that's wild i so so if your grandma played like your mom's role in your life what role did your mom play a nuisance uh yeah she was she's fine um i love my mom but at a certain point when i was younger my mom had surgery and um like a thyroid surgery and we went to live with my grandmother and then i just stayed living with my grandmother and my sister moved back to live oh Oh, my God. Okay. But also, we were in Milwaukee, and my mom lived, like, down the street. So it wasn't like she was far. But I stayed at my grandmother's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And, like, when your friends came over, would they ever be like, where's your mom? No, because I feel like from school early on, my grandmother was always involved in bake sales and other school functions or she would be a chaperone on field trips. So my kids sort of knew my grandmother was her. Sure, sure. Yeah.

Also, I feel like, I don't know, coming from the city that I was in and the schools I went to, I feel like a lot of kids had various different family members who you know had non-traditional families you know really someone would take yeah like either people's mom wasn't in the picture or their dad was in the photo picture yeah or though if your sister was raising them or like their aunt was raising them I feel like that's a lot of things that you experience in I guess like inner cities no sure yeah cuz I cuz I like the them. I feel like that's a lot of things that you experience in, I guess, like inner cities. Oh, sure.

Yeah. Because like the school where I went to, like it's still, it wasn't like divorced. Like that's the divorced parent's kid. But it was, it definitely, most of them were still together. Yeah. They would get divorced if only they knew. Really?

I mean, a lot of them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 50% at least. I think, I think the stat, I believe they've said that that stat

was based on like the 80s or 90s and it's calmed down a little bit. Oh, okay. It's gotten better. Probably less pressure to get, you know,

it's not as much of a, like people were being forced to get married younger in those days than now. Sure. And now people are like, well, we're not divorced

but it's ethical non-monogamy. Everyone's parents were together when I went to high school because I went to a Jesuit high school. Oh. So why did you go to a Jesuit high school? Because it was sort of like one of the best high schools

in Milwaukee. It was an all-boys Jesuit high school. So my parents sent me there. What are the specific things of Jesuits? Like are some just what's supposed to be like the cool Catholics you know the cool Catholics yeah like they're like they're chill with you know gays they're really and lacks ish with like they're not as like serious as the Vatican or Catholics you know. When you went there, were you out? No.

No? No. God, Catholics. Yeah. So were the teachers priests, nuns? No, we only had some priests who were teachers. We had no nuns.

There was a sister school, Divine Savior Holy Angels, which had nuns. And yeah, our school was a sister school, Divine Savior Holy Angels, which had nuns. And yeah, our school was a pretty good school. And you did some theater stuff? Yeah, I did theater there. Yeah? Yeah.

You remember any shows? Yeah. We did Footloose. Footloose. We did Hello, Dolly. Footloose, by the way, at a religious school, Footloose is very much like, hey, you don't have to do the rules. Footloose, by the way, at a religious school, Footloose is very much like, hey, you don't have to do the rules.

I have I've been working on a bit about I don't know if Footloose monogamy is like the town in Footloose and people know relationships are like the guys are like, yeah, you can dance. And my girlfriend is the mayor of Footloose. But I think it's the reverend. It's the reverend, right? It's the reverend because his son dies. I'm sorry. His son dies after a party where people were... Wait, that's why? Yeah. Oh, I thought he was just a sickler. His son dies in a party.

Oh, I didn't even know that. That's a good argument against dancing, frankly. There's a party and kids are drinking and his son dies in a car crash and so he bans dancing in the entire i do think it's so funny that it's not the alcohol or the driving that's a perfect example he's like it's the dancing that led to that because he wants to keep drinking yeah yeah yeah that's i gotta go re-watch this who it's um what's his name right kevin bacon kevin bacon no no no, no. The Reverend, though, is...

John Lithgow. Yeah, John Lithgow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great movie. I love Footloose. I love the musical, and I love the remake with Miles Teller. There's a remake with Miles Teller? I remember that.

Yeah, like 2012. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. I got to check it out. Do they use all new music? Oh, my God. Wow. I got to check it out.

Do they use all new music? They use new music, but there is sort of a remix of Let's Hear It for the Boy. Oh. Any chance of the remake is it the mayor instead of the reverend? Because that would help my pit. No, it's the reverend. I might just cheat and keep the pit. It's the reverend. And obviously, there's new dance moves because it's 2012.

So there's hip hop. Oh, there's hip hop. Yeah. Oh, that adds a whole new uh a texture but they don't really get into race and so it's just very weird that this white reverend um has banned dancing in a town that has a lot more black people than the original movie i just don't know how like like we're not we're not dancing because this white man told us not to. I don't know about that. That's really funny. So, okay.

And were you in Footloose? No, I was on stage crew. I was largely in stage crew. Yeah. I was not comfortable on stage enough to give a winning audition. Did you audition, though? I auditioned. I feel like you're charismatic.

I am now. You weren't then. Not in high school. You're in regular classes. Yeah. Just one color. Yeah. Yeah.

I, like, really needed glasses in high school, too. I got LASIK a few years ago. Uh-huh. There's nothing in these. Oh. Oh, my God. It's like a magic trick. Yeah.

LASIK. Yeah. LASIK. Yeah. I feel like I've heard more people say it's too dangerous. Like, there's been a shift in the conversation. People say that, and I don't get it, because it was very easy. It's not like that Final Destination scene where the girl is getting. Oh, my God. I don't even know the scene.

What happens? She's, you know, like the laser like whatever slices her eye open but she also like trips and i think like a scaffold goes through her eye or something too you you've seen any of those movies before right the deaths are very dramatic i watched i was it was in uh middle school i was watching with a girl i had a crush on and uh the plane exploded and then the guy died in the shower and i went in my dad's

room and I said hey I'm freaking the fuck out right now I need you to go in there and say we can't watch this movie so I don't look like a loser in front of this girl and sure enough I went back in the room my dad didn't wait long enough he kind of came right in

and he slid open the door and was like is this Final Destination like he immediately yeah he knew within a second he said no son of mine is watching Final Destination fuck you dad and she still didn't kiss me Wow yeah well you cut the date short what else yeah I mean you ended the date um it's also not a horny movie. Yeah. No, not at all. But if you're a teenager, I guess anything's a horny movie. I mean, it launched an early existential night, like a night of me going to my dad, like,

what happens when you die? Oh, my God. Like that movie, for sure. It was that movie, some other movie when I was, yeah. I can remember two big moments. We watched that movie en route to a school trip to Paris, which is crazy because the plane blows up while they're going to Paris. While they're going to Paris? Oh, my God.

I don't think anybody was thinking, but... Did they play it on the plane? We played it on a bus on our way to the airport. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah. Were you scared? No. I love my God. Oh, my God. Yeah. Were you scared? No.

I love Final Destination. I had seen it before. I hate scary movies. It's like a whole thing. There's like a bunch of movies, isn't it? Yeah. There's five of them, and they're making a new one. And the deaths are so silly that I don't know how you can be scared of them.

Because it's like death is coming for you, right? And there's always a, you'll see something where it's like your pilot light's on and you're smelling gas and then you're watching it and you're thinking like, oh, Sean Markle's going to die. It's going to blow up. But then somehow it'll end up being like, you'll hear like a knock at the door and you'll open it up and like someone left a toy

like in the hallway and you'll trip over that and then fall down the stairs and snap your neck. Like it's never how you think the death's gonna happen. It's always something completely insane. Were you more into,

were you into like all horror? Yeah. Slasher. Yeah, like Scream is my favorite. I love the Screams. Do you get scared? You love the Screams? I do.

Scream movies are great. I remember like the original Scream is my favorite. I love the screams. Do you get scared? You love the screams? I do. Scream movies are great. I remember the original Scream was one of the first rated R movies I saw. And I loved it. I had another crisis when I saw that movie. Really? I remember I was at the beach with my mom. It's actually revisited. Now that they have new ones coming out.

I revisited and like watched In the last couple years And it's more upsetting now As an adult It's still scary And also the violence is like upset You're like oh these are people that are Really getting butchered

It felt more real watching it as an adult Than when I was a kid To me you know I was more desensitized or something when I was a kid, to me. You know? Yeah. I was more desensitized or something when I was a kid. You don't like most scary movies. You're not a scary movie guy. I'm not like a...

But I like slasher. Like, I liked the Friday the 13th. I liked Halloween. I liked The Screams. Nightmare on Elm Street. I wasn't big Nightmare. Something about it was too... Like, the dream stuff.

Well, I wasn't into that. What about Are You Afraid of the Dark? Are you more like... I watched it as a Dark? I guess you're older to Twilight Zone? I had Are You Afraid of the Dark. Like that movie? I mean, that show? That TV show. That show was great.

Kind of scary, though. I'd watch it, but it would like... There was the episode, this guy, he played Pinball Machine. He wasn't supposed to. And so he gets... Suddenly, he's in the game, and he has to beat it beat it and then he gets to the end and it starts over at the beginning and immediately i'm like infinity suffering hell i mean like like like boom boom

boom yeah immediately i i created hell without people telling me about it like from that show and like the concept of infinite suffering you sent me spiraling yeah goosebumps oh i was thinking of goosebumps so that's what made me want to be a writer to be honest really i read every goosebump book yeah the day they came out like i would leave school my grandmother would take me to walden books that was still around then and it was our closest bookstore i would buy the new one yeah usually. Usually read it in one night. Yeah. Before school the next day, even.

That's how obsessed with them I was. That was a wild time. Yeah. And that is, those books, the endings were very that infinity thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, do you remember the Cuckoo Clock one? Remind me, because I see the cover. The Cuckoo Clock of Doom.

Great covers. Great feel. one remind me because i see the cover the cuckoo clock of doom great covers great great feel oh it's it's a thing where like he um something happens where like it's uh his sister never exists someone doesn't exist in the book because of the cuckoo clock like that like their existence is erased or something and then he goes through like the entire book trying to reverse it and then at the end everything is sort of as it was and then it turns out no, he just now went into a reality

where his sister doesn't exist. Yeah. It must be really fun to make it your job to be like, oh, I know, I'll find 10-year-olds and I'll scare the shit out of them. But did you ever read, R.L. Stine had like a, he wrote other books like for a slightly... Fear Street. Fear Street. For the teenagers. For like the teenagers.

Those were nasty. Yeah. They were. What if he wrote one for just older people just like and then he had dementia and then cancer snuck in. I miss when the monsters weren't real. You know what I mean? Fear Street were slasher-esque because Fear Street was a lot of just crazy

teenagers like killing each other or ghosts. Yeah. Ghosts. Yeah. Some witch stuff too. Yeah. And the evil cheerleaders. You know what I also learned though that was upsetting? He was, I mean, not really that upsetting, but I found out that he had ghost writers

the whole time. Like actual, like people who had died. Like ghost writers like I hate you. I hate you. I hate you so much. But he didn't write all the books himself. That's crazy. Yeah.

I mean, at a certain point. Yeah, he wrote 9,000 books. At a certain point, you're churning out a new Goosebump book, a new Fear Street book every month. Yeah, I guess that's true. He wasn't at home click clacking like especially then not like on typewriters or early word processors he must have made so much money though at the height of his thing right oh yeah he probably still makes a shit ton of money three dollars 99 cents no but with the height of the people coming but people bought books people bought books i mean yeah i also wasn't even a fan i had the whole yeah also the merchandising from Goosebumps.

And then there was the TV show on Fox. That scared me. Yeah. And then they made a movie. And then there's a new TV show on Hulu. Oh, really? Which was pretty scary. Oh, really?

Yeah. It was pretty good. The scariest thing to me as a kid was Unsolved Mysteries. That would terrify me. Is that the one with the guy who goes... Robert Stack. I've never watched his show. They would be reruns and they'd be on TV.

It was before there was a time where you could Google and find out, so you just never knew how anything ended. And it would just be scary things. Sometimes it'd be alien stuff. Sometimes it'd be ghost stuff. Sometimes it'd be missing person, kidnapped children. Would it ever be real?

Was it all bullshit? No, it's all real. I mean, it's all like, you know, I mean, unsolved mystery. Like someone went missing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but like sometimes there's more like, you know, like unexplainable things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it scared me.

What does he say? Like they always show a clip entirely fictional no unbelievable no oh that guy that's a different guy that's a different different show yeah different show yeah i don't know for me my scary at least for goosebumps it was it was the dummy oh slappy yeah slappy something about that whole series but i could i could not sleep in a room now if there were a dummy there. Yeah. The first one I feel like is scary, though. There are the Night of the Living Dummy.

Yeah. By the time you get to Night of the Living Dummy 4, Slappy, it's like enough. I enjoyed the Choose Your Own Adventure ones. I never got into those. They're kind of fun. Yeah. Those are good books. I was always like, no, you tell me what the story is going to be. I'm not doing your job.

I'm not lifting a goddamn finger. Mom, turn the page. That inspired you to be a writer. Yeah, I loved Goosebump Books. So you got a master's in playwriting? I did. Because we're both theater boys. Yeah.

And I used to read plays. I used to read so much plays. I don't like reading screenplays because there's too much extra shit around the words. But I love reading plays. I really to read so much plays. I don't like reading screenplays because there's too much you know extra shit around the words. I love reading plays. I really should go back to it. But the drama bookshop, that's just I used to always go to drama bookshop. I always get the Pulitzer of that year. What did you ever see a play growing up that like made you go, oh shit, that was good? Yeah, I think it was...

I saw it in Rent for the first time. And I saw the producers. Yeah. Wow. I think when I was in eighth grade, we did our field trip to New York. I grew up in D.C. And I guess The Lion King was sold out

or they had done it the year before. So they took us to the producers. And I think the movie is a lot tamer than the musical is. And this was a private school with some Christian echoes from the past. Yeah. And I would pay money to see the camera on my teacher's faces as the show progressed. Because they did not know. And they wrote a letter to all the parents after the fact.

I mean, for my parents, they were fine. But for some parents, this was scandalous. Yeah. There was a number about, I'm going to fuck all the old ladies to get the money.

Yeah. And man, it was amazing. Springtime for Hitler. Yeah. Springtime for Hitler. Yeah. My high school every year had a show called Follies where the seniors put on a parody of the school and the teachers and we play them.

And some we write them. Dangerous game. Yeah, we write songs based off of popular songs to change the lyrics. And those are the songs in the show. We did the student government was called Conclave at our school and we did a springtime for Hitler number

starring the student government and we had red bands on their arms with the C instead of the Nazi symbol and I cannot believe we got away with that in 2003. Incredible. Yes. and I cannot believe he got away with that in 2003 incredible I mean but we were still doing brown face on students for West Side Story

in the 2000s it's so funny because it's not needed he's a shark and that's that yeah no we did a podcast with Megan Gailey and she did a show where they

were supposed to be, I believe, Japanese and they had they used tape. I did a show where it was Japanese and I was the accent captain. You was the accent captain. We did Royal Hunt of the Sun and there were a lot of people playing Native Americans. And how did they play it? In paint. In paint? Yeah. Sure. I did a lot of people playing Native Americans. Wow. In paint. And how did they play it? In paint? Yeah.

Sure. Dark in face paint. I did a show. It's still a running show in a state. And it's one of those outdoor drama things. Which state? In Texas. Yeah.

Yeah. And they used to have a whole thing where they'd have a Native American come in and it didn't matter. You know, they'd cast white people. And if you look in the men's dressing room, like the showers are stained red from like those those days still like they would just, you know, wild. like they were just, you know, wild. Man. They say, you know, I recently, I did a show with Natalie Walker, who's a great singer. I love Natalie. Yeah.

It was so much fun. But I was reading this Stage Door book that she was featured in. And I know people use that as an excuse of going, it was a different time. But like reading, there was just like a part of this book where the author was like describing her at camp and like talking about her body and her weight in a way that you were like oh like the audience was like oh my god and and even even hearing it

out loud you're like yeah that but that's but you're like it really was we talked just so differently from that book i remember when seinfeld i mean seinfeld's always getting dragged for when he dated the the 17 year old yeah i remember when it like first when people really first talking it about it on twitter i was in the middle of watching seinfeld like a read-through and there was an episode they meet with nbc and the nbc's daughter comes in the room and she's 15 yeah but she's played by like a supermodel. Yeah. But like the scene is like George gets caught looking at her tits.

Yeah. And there's like a scene with Elaine where Elaine's like, you guys are pigs. And Jerry's like, hey, you see it? You look, you look, you can't help it. And I love whenever there's a social, a big social change in an old sitcom, the laugh track really brings home the normalcy of how people behave that way. You're like, yeah, they added a laugh track because we were all on the same,

we were all just like, ah, yeah, you're looking. I love, there's a Frasier one. You know the Frasier one? Which one? He has, a black woman starts working at the radio station, and Frasier does a long act out of how frustrated he is,

and he imitates her for like five minutes, and you're like, oh my God. And given Kelsey Grammer's politics, it is a little bit. Well, we didn't know then, did we? We didn't know that then, did we? We didn't know that much about people back then. Yeah, yeah. That was back when actors, they shut the fuck up.

Yeah. I'm trying to think if I want to play The Night Terrors right now. Do I play it now or do we save it? Let's save it. We'll save it. Yeah. Well, let's go on to our next segment, This Has Got to Stop. This has got to stop.

This has got to stop. This has got to stop. Something's got to stop and go away. Do you want to start? Sure, yeah. We might have done this before, but I have to reiterate it. This has got to stop. Okay, auditions, whether TV, film, Broadway, the amount of content, it's out of control i had an audition recently over 20 pages of scenes

20 21 pages of scenes eight different scenes they had seven originally and then the night before the audition they said actually we want to have one more one more three-page scene so 21 pages of scenes for a musical you need to see a one act play like you need to see eight scenes eight scenes and three songs okay now if you're gonna give all that content you're gonna make me learn eight scenes 21 pages long and three different songs that are varying degrees like one song was three minutes, one song's two minutes, then have me do it. Because you don't need it because you never would need that. So you only need a couple scenes and then you're like, oh, we're good because maybe I wasn't right for it and you wouldn't need eight scenes.

But you're not asking anyone to do eight scenes. Even if they're right for it, you don't need it. And it's too much content. If I could see myself on that week-long vacation I took at a beautiful pool in Barbados or at the beach pulling out these scenes

that I then never even... Wet with the jacuzzi water. Never even was asked to do. So much content. It's too was asked to do so much content. It's too much. It's too much. You don't need it.

You automatically decide. And then how much did you end up doing? I did two scenes. Two scenes. Two scenes out of eight. And one song. Here's my, like, the unions, they clearly don't seem to have a lot of power. I really do think the easy solution that I cannot see anyone

make a good faith argument against is if you assign all that, you have to sit through the whole thing. Or, or pay a fee of,

what do we say? I, okay, 20 bucks a piece of paper. $5 a page. I think 20 bucks a page of paper Five dollars a page I think 20 bucks a page I mean

Because also And then they get mad Like you didn't You weren't memorized I mean that's That's crazy Well because then This happened

And theater The one where you're paid the least Is the one where they abuse it the most I know I know And this happened a couple times now Where I'm like I'm like

It doesn't set me up to want to like Kill myself for these sides Like Like I'm like I don't Like You're gonna I Now I'm like, it doesn't set me up to want to kill myself for these sides. Like, I'm like, you're going to. Now I'm like, because this has happened the last few times, too. They've asked me. They've asked me. They're like, well, what do you want to do? What do I want to do?

This guy can't even choose his own adventure in a Goosebumps book. But I mean, I said it. And then I'm like, I said, he said, what do you want to do? I said, oh, let's start with the first two scenes, you know? And then we did it, and then that was it. And I was like, well, should I have said, let's roll it through, daddy. We're doing all eight. Like, would that have been what you'd given me?

Like, I don't know. Maybe it wasn't my fault for just saying, let's start with the first two scenes. But it's just, it's so much content. It's too much. I'm 100% in agreement. Are you in SAG? Yes. I don't audition really, though.

Yeah, me neither. It's too much. Hear that, Tova? Less auditions. No, no, no. Love the auditions. Love them. Love them. I feel nothing, but given that I haven't booked anything for the few that I've had, I feel nothing but dread when I see that audition.

Yeah. When I get an audition, I go, fuck me, dude. Fuck me. I hate this. I hate this. It just depends on the thing. I get an email and then it's like my agents, they would love to see you for this. And I'm like, really? Because

I haven't been in anything. So why do they want to see me? No one was thinking of me. Someone just threw my name in there for fun. Let me tell you, the saddest thing is on my last day of vacation, I had to film an audition and

a short intro slate thing for another I had to film an audition and a like short, like intro slate thing for like another thing to submitting a character shape, but like with like a fun little slate, I came up with this like fun little bit I do like in the plunge pool on our deck, you know? And so nothing,

nothing's worse than I film this audition. I'm like, it's the last day we have to leave leave for the airport in like half an hour. And I get done filming this dumb little bit in the plunge pool. I'm so proud of myself for it. I think it's like a fun little thing. And as the way back into the house, I slip, fall, twist my knee. Oh.

And felt a pop. In Barbados? Yeah. Oh. And then a full day of travel. Then we're, then we're going to the airport and, and me in pain being like,

I just got to submit this real quick. Just like, like trying to elevate my knee while I can't pack. No, Nicole's having a pack for me cause I can't move. So I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I just got to submit this bit,

like a bit with me in a pool, like topless doing a dumb fucking bit. That's never going to submit this bit, like a bit with me in a pool, like topless doing a dumb fucking bit that's never going to matter. And, and having, I'm in so much pain. I'm like, I just got to submit this real quick before we go to the airport. Cause who knows if they'll have wifi there. Like I'm just like, and, um, oh man. Where were you sitting on the plane? Cause I can't imagine that now then.

Well, I was able to, it was actually not that bad. It was JetBlue. And I was able to stretch it like under Nicole's seat, kind of like a little bit on the thing like that. But I still can't bend it all the way. Like this is as far as I can bend it. Is this the different foot than you heard the other show? Yeah, this was this one.

But it feels exactly the same. So I'm hoping, and it's already better. Stairs are still hard, but it's already a lot better. Remember that girl in Oklahoma won the Tony. So there's a world if you lose your legs, you can still get some acting work. Come do some yoga with me. I'm not hurting myself because I don't stretch.

I've fallen twice. I fell downstairs. Okay, come do ballet with me. Something's not functioning fully 100%. Oh, you've never slipped? You've never run around a room with slippery floors and slipped? No. I haven't slipped since on ice in high school once.

Okay, well, I'm sorry I slipped. I'm not critiquing you. I'm just trying to lend a helping hand. I don't know if yoga would have helped the situation. I don't know if on the way down I would have landed in downward dog and we all would have been fine. It helps with balance, though. Okay. Sure.

I don't know. I don't do yoga. So you look at it, and you go, nothing to be done. Yeah, nothing. I mean, I'm surviving. Two slips? Well, the first was not a slip. The first was new shoes on very small stairs.

Yeah, so it's never going to be spontaneous with no explanation at all. You were just standing in slips-y-daisy. I mean, nothing's been broken. Very small stairs. It's never going to be like spontaneous with no explanation at all. You're just standing in slips. Daisy. I mean, nothing. I skate broken. I'm not going to go ice skating. Anyways, go do yours.

My this has got to stop. I'm pretty sure I guess I'm not. When when politicians tweet, you know when Biden tweets, we all, not all, but most of us understand it's not him. Yeah. I think there was a time where that illusion was something they did want to keep, but then they realized, well, half these people can't even speak a sentence, so how could we expect people to believe it? But we've gotten too far. When Biden is on stage and his account is tweeting, I go, let's get someone from the WWE in here to talk about the soft lie. Let me play the illusion. Because here's what you could trick me into believe, that Biden said, yeah, go ahead.

Tweet that. Like, give me that at least. Yes. But when he's literally on stage, you're like, okay, so,

so who is this? Right. Who is, who is this? Yeah. Someone else. He's not even by the phone. And he's not even giving approval to it. He doesn't even know.

He still thinks it's called Twitter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, but like there was a part of you that believe, at least in my, maybe when I was dumber that like they were looking at it or they, they, yeah. But there was a part of you that believed, at least maybe when I was dumber, that they were looking at it,

or they approved it, they said yes. I think Donald Trump's doing it. Donald Trump is doing it. People make fun of the Kov-FF thing, but it proved that this guy, he's doing it himself, and no one's checking it. And no one's checking it.

And there's something nice about that. I think some of them do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If Biden had to write his own tweets. Not him, but. He would no longer be the nominee. We would have known about this way sooner. Yeah.

I mean, who knows what he would have tweeted. You know, the thing about his tweets too that that i feel like has to stop is he loves to pose a question that's sort of like um like like we need medicare for all and it's like okay who are you talking to you're the president yeah like he's tweeting at us like we need to go and do something for him. Yeah. He does like also like sincerity doesn't work on Twitter really. And he did one today where let me just find it because it was so, you know, they're having the worst tweets in history where they're going like, guys, we can't we can't be violent about this.

I'm like, who are you talking to right now? We weren't violent. We weren't violent. We didn't shoot him. We didn't be violent about this. I'm like, who are you talking to right now? We weren't violent. We weren't violent. We didn't shoot him. We didn't shoot him. A Republican shot him, and we said we didn't want those guns anymore. So I don't know. We did our part.

What are you talking about? This, to me, is like your advisors don't. Okay. It's a picture of him looking in the distance because he probably sees a ghost. He's halfway, partially crossed over. Disagreement is inevitable in American democracy. It's a part of human nature. But politics must never be a literal battlefield or, dash, God forbid, a killing field.

That is the worst tweet I've ever read in my life. Also, the ending with killing field is so not inspirational. It's so dark but in the wrong way and a weird vocabulary. Who's ever said a killing field? It's a phrase. The killing fields is a phrase, right? It's a movie or something? The killing fields?

Do you think it was a... I thought it was a field of dreams. The next link is to the Apple store to The Killing Fields. It would never be like this movie. The Killing Fields. See, look. Oh God, it's about Vietnam?

A journalist is trapped in Cambodia. He's never seen that movie. I don't think he's referencing that i'm just saying that that's what i think of when i think of the killing fields killing fields but it's like these we must stand for an america not of extremism and fury next line but of decency and grace see that shit is annoying too because it's who are you talking to everyone reading this is not the person who shot at trump because he's dead yeah so whoever is at the fringes where they're like where they're right on the edge millions are not following

biden on twitter going like okay he said let's have some grace so what this is for is to look good to people who if this happened to biden wouldn't care yeah Yeah, of course. They'd be making jokes about it. Yeah. Yeah. We're, we're fucked. Do you have this got to stop? Yeah. Okay. So my birthday is coming up.

It'll actually have passed by the time this airs. But when I throw a party, I love it RSVP, you know, so I can know who's going to be there, et cetera. And I'm fine with people RSVPing no before the day of the party. I am very anti texts that come in 30 minutes before the party. Yeah. A long text like, I can't make it because of blah, blah, blah. Don't tell me. you're ruining my mood just tell me the next day yeah you're sorry you couldn't make it yeah yeah yeah yeah 100 but

people who like feel the need to like oh i'm gonna send it in right as it's about to occur it's like i'm busy i'm running around doing things and now i'm thinking oh this person's not going to be there yeah i'm really worried now because i don't well i just got your number today i know no 100 i i think we we i talk about with shows all the time where they say it like during the show before the right day of the show i'm so sorry and you're like you're like just you didn't come and and the thing you said where people say to you they say sorry i haven't been listening to the podcast. Because it makes you have to do this thing like, it's okay. It's okay. No, you deal with whatever guilt you feel about it.

Make it up to me in a different way. People love doing that with, sorry, I don't listen. Or a, I hate the, I haven't listened in a while. You know? Or, you know, back when I used to listen, I'm like, well, why'd you stop? Yeah. But my thing is, it doesn't offend me at all. It's actually like, oh, just a weird thing to say.

Because I'm like, okay, you're like, and I haven't thought about you in months. Do you know what I mean? Like, what do I say back to it? Is this like a weird thing? Oh, you stopped listening? I'm not listening about you in months. Do you know what I mean? Like, do you know what I mean? Like, like, what do I say back to it? Is that there's like a weird, Oh, you stopped listening. I'm not listening to you right now. I haven't thought about you in months.

Uh, I don't know what to say, man. Um, uh, it's just a weird negative thing to like share. Um, and it doesn't really bond us or like,

I'm not expecting you to, it's such a, and I've told you, it's like, all it does is be like, Oh, I can talk about that person on the podcast. Now it means it's such a mix where i'm like oh you've never you've never listened to my work and then if they do i'm like that's crazy yeah listen to me like talk an hour

and a half there'll be random people that are like i'm big fan and like in like send me a thing i'll be like oh that's weird that like it's not weird that they do it. It's like you're like, oh, wow. They know a lot about me. More than we would as friends. Fans are never... Fans I'm fine with. The people I don't know. It is sometimes weird when a friend of mine reveals

that they do listen every week. Not always, but sometimes I'm like, oh, you listen to me? I actually expect when a friend goes on the thing about, I don't listen to the podcast, I expect that they don't. Yeah. Like, you see me all the time. Why do you need to listen to me every week? Yap it.

Yeah. But those are the, Douglas Goodheart, our very good friend who I saw yesterday, he, I know he used to listen. I don't know if he still listens. Yeah. And I am, it does mess with my mind sometimes. Jackie, good friend, I think she always listens. I think she does too. And then my mom always listens, but it's delayed.

We'll know either way. Three weeks later. Now that we've said about those three people who I think are the most regular listeners, we'll see. My mom listens, but three weeks later. We'll see if they text us after this. My mom will listens for three weeks later. My mom will text me three weeks later and be like, I never said it like that. And I'm like, okay. And I'm like, which one?

Sometimes I love throwing out a name and seeing how it'll get back to that person. There'll be like, my co-worker was like, you mentioned me on the podcast. I love that I know your co-worker listens now. Do you ever throw a tiny bit of shade?

Yeah, I do. Like, sometimes when I'm annoyed at a friend, I will sometimes mention it on the show. Oh. See if it gets back to them. Interesting. Like, if I said, like, oh, sometimes I see Renan Hirschberg at the cellar, and I feel like he's very cold to me, and it hurts my feelings. Let's see. Let's go into our final segment.

You better count your blessings. You better count your blessing. I got a blessing. So I have like a P box Kind of Because things were getting Stolen so much And A bunch of packages came in We're always ordering

Amazon shit And then And then I got this book And I was like It was It was Comedy Bang Bang To podcast the book

And I was like I mean I knew I didn't order it But I was like Like I think Comedy Bang Bang is cool But And then I was like Tova

Like Is Like enjoys comedy But this just doesn't seem... She's never listened to the podcast. So I called her. I was like, hey, did you get Comedy Bang Bang, the book? Maybe you had a client in it or maybe something. And then she was like, no, I didn't. I was like, what the fuck?

And then I thought, oh, maybe I got a free book and they want to blurb. But then it's my father, my dad, who we have a tough, distant. If I said dad and he had a gun to his head, a gun to his head, what's the name of your son's podcast? 95% chance he would not. There's someone I know who has never listened to the podcast. Yeah. And he probably went

on amazon looked up comedy signed book and got me a signed edition with scott ackerman my dearest son i'm very proud of you and all your accomplishments nice and vague i look forward to spending more time together love dad uh then says christmas 2023 2023 seven months late. So I think he got this in Christmas and he finally got around to send it now. So it's very sweet. The sweetness tinged with the with absurdity.

Not in a bad way, but amusing. But trying. That's so nice though. Some people don't try. I'll never have that. Yeah. Can you imagine if that's how he tried? He said, hey, it's been a long time.

I know you like comedy. Comedy bang bang. So thank you. Thank you, Dad. Yeah. Text me that you got this message. What's your blessing? Okay, so I just had a great vacation in Barbados,

and I'm thankful for Nicole and her dad. Her dad was very generous with letting us go to this place, and it was perfect. I mean, we've been before, but it was like just what I needed, minus the knee thing, but it was like just what I needed, minus the me thing. But like perfect, the weather, the pools, the beach, you know. Do you feel re-fulfilled too? Because whenever you go, you make a post on Instagram that's like, you know what?

I'm burning my life down and moving here. No, I do feel that way. No, I don't. I think it would actually be very stressful to live in a paradise situation all the time. Yeah, I think something with time is weird in those places. Beautiful days and you're kind of aimless. You're like, I can't really imagine doing anything. So I think that's hard.

You'd be slipping every couple days. That would be hard. Your brain might turn into motion. I just can see being kind of stressed out that there's no aim. Your brain might turn into motion. I just can see being kind of stressed out that there's no aim. It's kind of aimless. But for a week, it's a nice thing to lean into. You do great vacations.

And a special shout out to two really great restaurants that were right next to the resort that were amazing. Le Shack. If you're ever in Barbados, Le Shack. It's a great little restaurant. And Cutter's. Excellent homemade rum punches at Cutter's in Barbados.

Barbados. If you're a down-to-the-list in Barbados, we'll go there. Did not encounter any in the resort. Do you have a blessing? I do, actually. You know what's funny? I was joking about how I never get, you know, I'm not casted anything. I actually am shooting something next month in Dublin.

Oh, my God. So I'm going for like 10 days. And I get, I had a call. Like I get there a day before. So I get like a whole day to myself. Amazing. And I've never been there. I was just in Dublin. I've never been there. get there a day before. So I get a whole day to myself. Amazing. And I've never been there. I was just in Dublin.

I've never been there. Beautiful, great vintage shopping. Yeah. Really lovely. And I haven't really traveled this year because I'm in between book advance checks. Let me tell you something. When you sell a book,

finish that book quickly. Finish writing it because it took me two years to write it. And you get the first check when you sell it, and then you get the second one after it's finalized. Is it half-half always? No, it's in four parts, actually. So it used to be in three parts, I believe,

and then post-COVID, it was something like four. But anyway, I'm still waiting for two of four. So that one's coming soon because i just finished the book finalized it um with my end notes and everything this past weekend so yeah um i haven't really been traveling this year uh money wise and so now this came along and i've been looking to get the fuck out of new york. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. Seven hour flight, smooth. Yeah, I love a flight. What?

Yeah, I love a flight. I love, I've got my AirPod Maxes on. I love watching a movie in flight. I love a flight meal. I love drinking on the plane. Really? Yeah, also when you drink on the plane with the altitude, it makes any shitty movie you watch

beautiful. I cried during the heat. I think it makes you cry also because you're in the air. There's a whiff of mortality where you're like, this is crazy what I'm doing. Anything I watch, I'm loving it.

I kind of really love a plane. That's a good blessing. Where can people find you? What should they watch? it. So yeah, I kind of really love a plane. That's a good blessing. Yeah. Ira, where can people find you? What should they watch? I haven't been listening to the podcast lately, but we'll put a link to it. You know what I love about that, too? It's in a weird way

it's a friend trying to connect with you. Because they want to let you know that they're aware of your work. They haven't listened to it, but they're aware of it, and they know that you do it. And they might even be a friend who tells people, like, oh, Ira has a great podcast, but they don't listen themselves. Which in a way is good. Sure. But I don't know.

If someone told me, hey, I've been telling people to listen to your podcast, that's great. That's nice. That's a nice, yeah. That's a good little tweak. Yeah. My best friend actually told me he was people to listen to your podcast. That's great. That's nice. That's a nice tweak. My best friend actually told me he was forced to listen to it. He doesn't listen. But his boyfriend listens to it, and they were on a road trip. And he was like, he just started dating this person. And he was like, we got in the car.

And he started up, and I'm hearing, why is Ira's voice in the car? And he's like, oh, this is my favorite podcast. And he was like, that's my friend. Then he had to listen to it for several hours. But you can find me on my podcast, Keep It. It comes out every Wednesday. And

my sub stack, iramadison.substack.com, which is sometimes updated. There you go.com which is sometimes updated. There you go. Russell, where can people find you? Your hair looks great, by the way. I know you weren't happy about the haircut, but

it just really... You complained about the beginning of the podcast. I'm not making this up. No, I know. Follow me at Russell J. Daniels on Instagram and no other updates

oh my god July 30th I'm gonna be in Australia so Australia I think I think I just hopefully

just landed in Perth or Brisbane Brisbane, Perth Sydney Melbourne Auckland and then I'm back in the States after that.

So just find me online at JamarcoSorisi. And again, join the Patreon. We're going to put all the stuff from the live tour there. Patreon.com slash Downside just for five bucks a month. Yes. You could support us. And

thank you to my mom. I love you. And this is The Downside. One, two, three. thank you to my mom. I love you. And this is The Downside. One, two, three. I shouldn't have done a Biden thing. We need grace and unity. You're listening to The Downside.

The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi.