The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #225 The Saddest Woman in the World with Jared Goldstein

Episode Date: August 13, 2024

Actor and comedian Jared Goldstein joins us for our most ADHD episode ever and shares the downsides of getting ignored by the infectious disease doctor, sleep-peeing, getting fired from a hit Broadway musical, what rules we have for after we die, and which reality tv we’d go on to boost engagement. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon free for 7 days for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Jared on Instagram, YouTube, & TikTok Listen to Jared's podcast, Sorry, What? See Jared in a city near you Follow The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi on Instagram Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Technical production by Chris Mueller Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Kick off an exciting football season with BetMGM, an official sportsbook partner of the National Football League. Yard after yard, down after down, the sportsbook born in Vegas gives you the chance to take action to the end zone and celebrate every highlight reel play. And as an official sportsbook partner of the NFL, BetMGM is the best place to fuel your football fandom on every game day. With a variety of exciting features, BetMGM offers you plenty of seamless ways to jump straight onto the gridiron and to embrace peak sports action. Ready for another season of gridiron glory? What are you waiting for? Get off the bench, into the huddle, and head for the end zone all season long.

Visit BetMGM.com for terms and conditions. Must be 19 years of age or older. Ontario only. Please gamble responsibly. Gambling problem? For free assistance, call the Conax Ontario helpline at 1-866-531-2600.

BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Welcome to the downside. My name is Jamarcus Serezi. Oh, I forgot a spoon. Now here's the offer. You could either get a spoon because you get nervous talking by yourself, or I can get the spoon, but you have to entertain for the 20 seconds it's going to take me to get that spoon. Oh, God, damn it.

Ready? Figure out something. This is my co-host, Russell Daniels. No, I'm going to get a spoon. I was going to get the spoon. Oh, okay. Hi, everyone. Welcome to the downside. This is a story, a podcast where we get negative. We celebrate the negativity. Just so everyone knows, an update from last week. I think I talked about it. I hurt my knee. Oh, hi. My name is Russell Daniels. Nice to meet you, Jared. Hi. How are you doing?

Well, I'm trying to celebrate lumbar support on this podcast. Oh, yeah. So I'm fashioning a pillow for my lower back. Is it okay if we're askew? It would need to be right in the middle. Oh, should I sit in the middle? No, no, no. Okay, okay.

I don't know. No, they can do whatever they like. Okay. I don't know the rules. Podcast Nazi over here. You have lumbar. Do you have strong lumbars? No, I do not. I don't know. No, they can do whatever they like. Okay. I don't know the rules. Podcast Nazi over here. You have lumbar. You have strong lumbars. No, I do not.

I have strong nothing. Shut up. What is the lumbar? Shut up. Like back? Yeah. Lower back. No, you don't get away with that on this podcast.

You do strong nothing. Everything hurts. I've brought up. What hurts? Tell me what hurts. I brought up one of your Instagram pictures four times. How many years ago was that? I don't know

it's my background so it's everyday you photoshopped that? that's fake I photoshopped it the paparazzi photoshopped me I'll show you this picture you tell me this guy who just said he has weak everything if he can go fuck himself why are you bringing it

because I saw it and I go that's what I want to look like it was one of those moments who are you brought it up? Because I saw it and I go, that's what I want to look like. It was one of those moments. Who are you showing that to? This was before you started working with Tova. I swear to God. Just wandering around the gym telling people this is who I want to look like.

I'll pull it up. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah, because I was prepping for my guest. So I had to look at it again this is the guy who just said he's weak

oh wow yeah that's the guy shut the fuck up but that's his front we don't know what the back you think the back's as soft as hell the back is just horrific well thank you Jared Goldstein here today The back is just horrific. Oh, my God.

Thank you. Jared Goldstein here today. Actor, comedian. Hot. Right now, I'm just hot. That's the first. Just hot. That's the headline.

I'm hot as in temperature. Yeah. Well, that's why I, forgive me not for not offering, but I got a snow cone. Yeah. It's going to be real tough to eat. Yeah. Wait, is that really a snow cone? It's plain.

It doesn't get any flavor on it. I like it plain. No. I like the texture of the ice as it melts. You're eating ice chips. Yeah, but I wish ice chips were this granular. You know what I mean? Wow.

You know what I miss? A sweet green before they cut off the water in a real display of capitalism gradually. They used to have these beautiful little ice pearls. Oh, they used to have a beautiful little ice pearls. Really? Oh, they used to have a whole water thing. And then they cut that as the bowls got smaller. And then they just made it a water,

like the worst water, little, oh. Ice pearls. Yeah. All right. I don't know. So before we get into you, I actually have another night terror because for our Patreon, this is coming out August 20th, by the way.

Okay, we'll update the calendar next time. It's my birthday today when this comes out. Oh, happy birthday. I am 36 now, according to Wikipedia, 35, and that's okay with me. I will be back from Australia. So real quick note, if you want to find the most updated, we record some of these in advance for the Australia trip. But this Wednesday, we're going to record

a Patreon the Monday before and we'll talk all about Australia and all that stuff. So Jared, I got, I've been trying to get a sleeping medication for this flight

for a long time. And I was trying every which way. My doctor wouldn't give it to me because I take Ambien sometimes normally. Okay. It's not strong enough for planes.

Does it start with the letter X? That's what I wanted. Because once I took it in 2012. Your doctor won't give it to you? He says the state will flag it because you have Ambien. I guess I think trying to get less people addicted

to the pain medication. They've gone all the way this way. Sure they are. Exactly. Exactly. I hate my doctor. This is the doctor. I've said this before.

He said, have you tried giving your brain permission to fall asleep? We're already touching on one thing that I brought as a gotta stop. Good. Doctors? Good. Western medicine? All doctors. All medicine.

Close the doors. So I had to meet with a psychologist. I got the discount rate $400 that's the discount rate for just the consultation what is the normal rate? $600

that's not much of a discount why do you get a discount? I mean it's a big because I know a person who knows a person and also you when you get a discount you're like

do you want me to say thank you? the original was bullshit too yeah okay I mean they they truly make up the numbers. Anytime I pick up something from the pharmacy, even with health insurance,

you don't know what it's going to cost. Like those like six seconds in between them grabbing the medication and boop and them saying what it costs to me, I'm like, you could say any number right now. Sure. And all of them would make sense. You could say $3.

That would make sense. You could say $700. That would make perfect sense. I never $3. That would make sense. You could say $700. That would make perfect sense. I never know what anything's going to cost. It's really crazy. Can I tell you one time I saw the saddest thing in the world? I was at the pharmacy and I saw an older man waiting for whatever he was waiting for. Some pills that he desperately needed, clearly.

And it came through and they were like like they told him how much it was and he's like i i can't afford that and he's like what about insurance he was like talking to them it was back and forth for a long time and then i watched him just decide to not take whatever life-saving life-saving medication it was the single like most upsetting thing i've ever seen and he just like with tears in his eyes, was like, I can't do it. And then he left. You watched this whole thing, and you didn't volunteer at all to throw a couple bucks? Well, this was 2012.

I did not have any money either. This was years ago. Can I give you a little window into my experience of the last 35 seconds? Yeah. You started talking, and then John Marco started shoveling ice chips into his mouth, but also spilled some into his lap. And I was like, I don't know what this guy is saying anymore. I'm just watching. Ice pearls. I was just talking about that. Well, if you're listening, you were just talking about a man who was about to die and how capitalism

had really ruined his life. Yeah. I kind of blacked back in and there was a guy crying at the pharmacy and I went, wow, that's a good story. But yeah, I was of blacked back in, and there was a guy crying at the pharmacy, and I went, wow, that's not a good story, but I was not paying attention. That means that now, for sure. Tell it again. No, no, no, no, no. Eat your ice chips. Take a scoop again. This guy, this always happens to me, is that the snow cone people, they go,

no flavor? I go, no flavor. The snow cone people? The snow cone guy. I said guy. Yeah, yeah. This big snow cone. In the Heights, there's a guy who steals the snow cones

and he goes uh you do musicals come on he sings he sings uh pure aqua pure aqua ice cold that i can do that are you trying to say indigenous people no no indigenous to new york city maybe we can't call them snow cone people. Not anymore. Indigenous. It'd be funny if there was one slur like snow cones where people were like, well, that one's cute. We're okay with that one. The Washington snow cones. If that was a football mascot, the Washington snow cones. Yeah.

So, one of the things, you fill out these forms and I thought it would just say are you suicidal yes or no no no no oh a lot of questions so i figured we'd just go through them all okay i'm gonna answer honestly okay you answer honestly um have you ever had feelings or thoughts that you didn't want to live yeah do you ask that on a podcast he's wearing headphones and a knee brace what do you think oh my god humiliating this man um let's say you say if yes so we could ask some more questions yeah okay yeah yeah uh do you currently feel that you don't want to live no okay good how often do

you have these thoughts? Almost never. Okay, when was the last time you had the thoughts of dying? Well, of dying or wanting to die? It says of dying. Well, then I'm having them constantly. Like, not me ending my life, but the dying I think of all the time. I'm sorry, while you were talking about

if you wanted to kill yourself or not, I got distracted. Okay, you know what? I'm done talking about that. No, no, no, no. No, no, no uh has anything happened recently to make you feel this way uh yeah okay on a scale of one to ten ten being the strongest this is my favorite part on a scale from one to ten ten being the strongest how strong is

your desire to kill yourself currently oh my god what kind of question is that current one to ten what would three be that's my question is three like well. One to ten, what would three be? That's my question. Is three like, well... That's me. If there were some knives swinging and I was going that way anyway. I think three's pretty good. Three's like you're barely ever thinking about it, you know? I think.

Sure, but it's still high. I mean, if you said seven, it'd be worrisome, you know? Eight? I know they have to do this with these... Six? It's a weird scale. What'srisome, you know? I know they have to do this with these six. It's a weird scale. What's six mean, you know? Six would mean like,

hey, do you want to get a lunch? Yeah. That's six. Hey, do you want to talk? Hey. Ten is like, fuck, okay. I'm going to cancel the spot tonight. Would anything make it better?

Sure. Money. Have you ever thought about how make it better? Sure. Money. Have you ever thought about how to kill yourself? No. How you would kill yourself? How I wouldn't. How I wouldn't. Plenty of ways I wouldn't. No, but have you ever thought about if you were

to do it those times? Oh, we all would use pills, right? Is that true? If you were to kill yourself, pills? Trigger warning, by the way. The car thing seems pretty chill. Oh, you're right. You close the garage, you just kind of wait, maybe you fall asleep. Doesn't it smell as a stinky car?

It depends on your garage. You play music? There's no good way to... You play music? Do I play music? No, I'm playing the downside, and I'm waiting for the light. This is the downside. i'm waiting for the light can you imagine this is the downside you're listening to the downside

which i'm marco cerezi what we just did yeah yeah no it's it's too late it's no i mean it's the the moment i don't want to miss the next thing sure sure um it's too late. No, I mean, it's the moment. I don't want to miss the next thing. Sure, sure. It's called harm reduction. Well, I'm glad you're still with us, buddy. Me too. You too.

Thank you. So did you get the pills? No, because I said 11 out of 10. I'm ready. Just give me the thing. No, I did. Okay, great. So I got Xanax. I'm ready. Just give me the thing. No, I did. Okay, great. So I got Xanax.

I'm actually going to try to get Adderall. I have to go to my cardiologist, make sure he thinks it's okay. And that's for the ADHD? ADHD. I'm just talking about it. I'm going. I'm trying it all.

You've been officially diagnosed? This has got to stop. Oh, yeah? You could say it now. This has got to stop. Needing a specialist, needing a referral to go to a specialist. A hundred percent.

No more. Is that just America? Trust me. I know what I'm talking about. Yeah. If I think I have cancer, cut me open. Don't ask me any questions. Yeah.

I a hundred percent agree. I'm trying to think why. I guess it's so you don't abuse going to all these specialist doctors. But it is insane given how long delays are for appointments. We can't do it anymore. Yeah. It's crazy. It's so you don't abuse going to all these specialist doctors. But it is insane given how long delays are for appointments. We can't do it anymore. Yeah. It's crazy. It's so crazy.

Yeah. I recently had a staph infection. And I do want to come out publicly as having had a staph infection this year. What is it? Is it in the picture? Yeah. That's skin. These are so loud.

I'm going to take this off. We can lower them, too. That's okay. They're off. Okay. I had a staph infection on my neck, and I saw a dermatologist. They kind of hardly took care of it. I saw another dermatologist when I was in a different city.

They also kind of hardly took care of it. They said, you know, you should go see a specialist. And the specialist was called an infectious disease doctor. That's the name of the doctor the infectious disease doctor they gave me the phone number I left them two voicemails they've never called me back to this day that's crazy never heard back from the in for all they know you have yeah they're just letting it ring that's why you've grown your hair out I see it's covering the

staff in fact yeah so are you okay oh I'm fine i think i think i basically ended up taking the they gave me this like just in case antibiotic because they're like it's really strong and don't take it and like only if you think you really really need it and i'm like hello i just tested positive for staph infection like what are we doing give me the thing so i didn't take it because they were like i was being a good little boy and listening to the doctor and not taking it and i'm just getting different staph infections all over my body, just kind of going, huh, that's weird, huh, that's weird. And eventually, two phone calls and nothing later from the infectious disease doctor, I said, fuck it,

I'm taking this antibiotic. It's been sitting in my house. I should have taken this. Started taking it. There were no side effects that I know of. And I'm fine now. Great. No more referrals.

Don't hand me a Post-it with a phone number on it. Don't, nothing. It'll give a medication saying saying like, this is intense. I know. Take it if you want. There's so many not answering. Like, for example, if I take Ambien, and I know sometimes people have like a glass of wine and Ambien. They say, don't drink and do this.

Yeah. I get it. I get why. Yeah. I get why. Because someone takes 10 drinks and does 50 milligrams and they're unhealthy and they die. Yeah. I'm asking like, hey, everyone I know, when they have a red eye, they do an Ambien and they have a glass of wine.

Can you, doctor, tell me the truth instead of having me Google and I'm on Reddit going like, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. I died doing this. Yeah. And I go, Jesus Christ. You know what I just invented in my head right now? What? You know what we really need? AI doctors on call over the weekend.

Yeah. Figure that out. Of course we can. Google is going to tell you, oh, eat 10 pebbles. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's going to be really smart AI. They're going to use the references of the whole past, the DSM. All of Reddit.

They have all of Reddit. They have all of Google. They all have Bing. They have all of the DSM. They have every image they need. They have all information. They can do it. AI can do it.

They can do it. I love it. And they're going to be there for us on the weekends when your doctor is having a brat summer. A pro AI when it comes to doctors.

Yes. I'm still on board. No AI for any art or flyers. But for doctors, they've had a good long enough. No art or flyers. You don't think an AI can do a doctor's job? Google just recently had a thing where people asked, how do you make pizza where the cheese doesn't stick?

And they said add glue. So I'm nervous. Well, I had a chiropractor pull on my leg and gave me sciatica so i'm still nervous i was nervous in the first place yes why did you go to a chiropractor why would you do this i was desperate you know tova tova always wants to crack at all these things and i i said i said this is a pseudoscience we can't do this to you yeah and then eventually three years in i said all right right, let's rearrange something. Most of them are okay. Most of them are okay.

And there were some signs. What's going on with your back? Is it an athlete? It's terrible. How did this happen? I don't know. The gym? My dad had a really bad back

and I don't, but I think I've inherited some of the back issues. My C4 and my lower lumbar. I haven't got an MRI on the bottom, but up on the top, I have what's called a radiculopathy. The hole with the nerves.

See, I'm a doctor. Yeah. Radiculopathy. That should be the name of the funny bone if we're being honest. Yes, literally. When he told it to me, I felt like I was on an HBO dramedy. Yeah. That should be like, you know how the funny bone has some comedians that are a little like you know it's atlas i perform there but they should have like the elevated funny bone the ridiculous the ridiculopathy yeah yeah so anyway the hole where my nerves are coming out is getting

smaller and it's pinching the nerves which is sending a lovely signal down my arm and into my hand oh at all times no and you think it's just, could it be weightlifting at all? You lift? Yes and no. It's hard to say. It's hard to say. But I think I'm going to take the plunge and get the surgery. And also, I used the staph infection antibiotics as my sign to do it.

Because I saw a surgeon and he's like you could have the surgery oh yeah and I'm going okay you're the doctor you tell me I'm gonna replace you with a robot I swear to god yeah you can hear them you can I can hear them talking in the way that they worry a lawyer will repeat to them on

this yes yeah did you say he should get it could with a hard C it's ridiculous insane it's a ridiculous anyway so them on the stairs. Yes. Yeah. Did you say he should get it? Could. Could. Could with a hard C. It's ridiculous. Insane. It's a ridiculopathy. Anyway, so in the way that I just said, fuck it, I'm taking these antibiotics that they

gave me and told me you could take them. I took them and it worked and it helped great. I'm starting to feel that way. I'm like two and a half years into chronic pain in my shoulder and hand. Oh. And I'm like, what's the worst that's gonna happen lights out good night i guess there's always that okay casual is that how you see it that's how it happened are you chill and real like okay you're going into this surgery okay they're gonna put you in anesthesia sure first who's there who's who's the person literally i'm doing this in LA. No one's there. Isn't that sad? No one's there. I'm calling an Uber to get home.

Tova would go. Tova's here. Yeah. If Tova's like, why are you flying to LA? Is it some big award? No. Surgery. So you're doing it alone? I got my wisdom teeth out alone.

And they didn't put me under because I was alone. What did they do? They were like, no one will know. They just novocained me. Oh, okay. And took them out. Okay. But if you were to... I've gone under once.

Have you ever gone under? I've never gone under. For me, it was the most existentially upsetting. Oh, I think I'm going to die. I can't believe... And I had a friend go. Yeah. And you know what?

Cried, cried, cried. And then the part where you say goodbye. Said goodbye. Well, yeah, because he doesn't go with you to the final room. If I ever do it again, I'm going to say, can you drug me up before you bring me to the other room? Because instead I say bye and I'm fully conscious as they wheel me into a room that a torture artist would use where there's a light above you and it's big and they're moving it around and it's bright. Yeah. And then there was all these doctors the the thing was mechanical so it started like strapping me to the thing and there was a nurse there they strap you down and the nurse

the nurse I was excited sobbing and this nurse like rubbed my chest oh my god how old are you and I it was 26 but the nurse was rubbing my chest like, it's okay. It's okay. And then very quickly, you feel a little bit of coldness in your blood and you're out. You feel coldness in your blood? Because they're injecting? Yeah. Okay, I want to live.

I want to live. I don't want to do it. I take it back. I'm all talk. Oh, man. No, I did because I had my appendix out. But it was too young. I was like 12.

So it's before a lot of the existential stuff creeps in. So I don't remember. You're just like, well, if I die, I go to heaven with my dog. No, there was no part of me that thought I was going to die then. You know what I mean? What kind of surgery did you get? I got my appendix out. But it was bad bad it had exploded and i had like been going or like i had like been walking

around with a ruptured appendix where it was just bleeding and the doctor was like you could die yeah no it was like a i did recognize later on that they were like oh like they rushed me from the like urgent care place in an ambulance to the hospital. It was like, oh, he needs to have surgery right now. It is good when you're a kid. Get them all out of the way. Yeah, I know. I didn't even think then.

My parents were crying, and I was like, it's fine. It's an appendix. People get them out. You know what I mean? But then I had to stay in the hospital for a week, and that's a long time for an appendix. Sure. They had a tube coming out of me with just pus dripping for like for like two weeks after did you see it were you like smelled it smelled terrible i can still smell it and also um it yeah it was just a tube in me like if i had

wanted to i could pull it out you know and i mean it would hurt it was definitely a tube in me you know uh i know i know i actually truly never tugged it like i was very conscious of not tugging it you know let's see how strong this thing holds i just imagine you know like when they put in a thing to get like uh sap out of a tree and it's just like yeah it was disgusting oh do you still have a hole? Yeah. I mean, I have a scar there.

Yeah. Like, could you put your finger in? No, it's like a, it's a, it's a cross. It's like a,

it's like a line. I thought that'd be a very intimate thing to be like, do you, you're asking like you wanted to put your finger in my scar. Um, so as, as I, I mentioned briefly,

uh, my, everyone knows who listens to this podcast my girlfriend both these guys managers has night terrors oh yeah yeah she just goes when is Russell going to book can you imagine her night terrors

God so last time for the Patreon we agreed that I sometimes know when they're going to come. Like if I'm staying up later, I know the moment I walk into the bedroom that she's going to have a night terror. The noise just triggers her. And I asked to play. She said, oh, we could play this night terror on the podcast. And I did the wrong one. And she was like, you played which night terror? And thank and thank god she was okay with the whole episode was around it

that was an old patreon and we released some of it so you can find it yeah it's called night terror's caught on film a couple weeks ago yeah but this is the one she said she said okay i had permission to post and it's it's a doozy again watch the youtube if you want to see it let's see if this works do you need his headphones or is it going to play okay great i'm so nervous what's wrong baby don't worry i'm here no i don't know just checking the door baby it doesn't matter because if you're what are you smiling no i'm not you seem like you No, I'm not smiling. You seem like you're smiling. I'm not.

You're a little laughing in your voice. It's just like... Can you tell you're having a night terror right now? No, I'm awake. You're awake. You're 100% awake? The thing with like... The...

I'm awake. I believe you. I'm coherent. Okay. The thing is about having, like, this, like, yeah, these entry points into it is... What was that look? What was that look? It makes sense.

Well, I don't know what you're talking about. What are you telling me in the morning? I don't know. What time right now? I feel like you're tired. Because. It's okay. Because whether it's a night terror or whether it's real, it is similar.

I agree. Meaning like, does she actually need a bag or does she not i don't care i'm just saying but some of the stuff that like when i go to bed it's just stuff that you don't realize and one of the things is if i if you're gonna if you're if it's worth being talked about in like a gossip whatever it's like item wise and it's probably like no one's got speaking about your target forks but if you're like wow you've got like nice blah blah blah uh-huh we checked your bag we got your glasses so you're all set but you're my point was you walk in naked and my point was the issue is if if we catch you on camera naked Now know where the house is safe Anything could be used

No, I know but everything's okay, no, I know but it's okay, but everything's okay Nothing's gonna be a clip, okay? I mean, hello. I'm not gonna make all of this a clip. What are you talking about? I'm not gonna make a clip. I'm gonna show it to you in the morning. You make it all a clip, but then for yourself.

Just for you. Oh, there's the truth. You got to save me. You are gonna make clips. To boost engagement. To what? Boost engagement. I'm not gonna post these clips baby this is just for us remember it's our home movie yeah yeah well you have home movies you have a lot of movies you know this to the others You can add this to the others Love you

Love me Okay A lot to talk about Wow So First of all She said She said post this

Yeah yeah yeah Again These are just These are just a show You saw she's wearing She wears my My defunct merch Yes

Which is very sweet But Yeah a a lot lot in there that's probably the longest most and there's one moment where you can see because she'll often she's in a state where she might cry because she's like where's my bag where's my glasses is a common one yeah and and there's one moment where you can see just like she almost turns into that like where she could just cry at the time yeah and then it stops and then goes to sleep but that just lasted for so well it's interesting because it's like it is hard to tell because you're like there's moments where you're like she seems like she's awake and then like not at all you know it's confusing yeah wow

and doesn't have no memory of it. Entry points. And then I am fully naked filming that, of course, as she indicated. I always have to look back at the video to be like, careful, there's nothing. Yeah. There's a mirror you didn't realize. You never know. There's sunglasses. So, yeah, that's your manager.

Wow. Crazy. I mean, even in her dreams. Yeah. How do I boost engagement? Boost engagement. Yeah. That's amazing.

It's really wild. Wow. And so we're about to go to, I mean, we will have gone to Australia at this point. Usually, if we're on a plane, there's no night terrors. If we're in a hotel, it's usually not night terrors. Oh. I think it's very much, I think it is tied to lack of security in general. To you and your Instagram.

Uh-huh. That's what I'm seeing. I think it like is like, I sometimes wonder if we had a doorman, would it change something deep inside? But I think there,

in the beginning, it was so much about someone's going to break in. That was the beginning of the night terror. Someone's breaking in, where are my glasses in case I need to run? Where's my glasses in case I need to run?

Where's my bag in case I need to get run? Who's going to steal something? And now they've evolved. What if she packs a to-go bag? When they were really bad, we would do checks before. And I'd be like, hey, can we like, this might seem stupid, but let's just go over it. Your glasses are here. These glasses are there. That purse is is right there i'm locking the door what if you stayed awake all night long with

a shotgun and guarded the door for her yeah sure sure i if she really wanted to fuck with me she could like program deep inside of her if one day she went you're gonna tomorrow. I would be like, oh my God, you saw something. You were connected to something. Oh my God. So, you know,

that's the one reprieve is I don't get any sleep, but we do get some good content, which helps boost engagement. Do you sleepwalk at all or talk? No, no, no,

I a little bit. No. What do you do? What if, it's so crazy. It's just enough that I certainly don't, but I definitely do.

And I have a couple stories of it happening. The first time it happened, I was a kid and my sister was having a sleepover and I walked into their room and I peed onto her carpet.

No. Yeah. A full pee. A full, just about. Did they wake up? Yeah. It's one of those things where the memory doesn't quite make sense because I feel like

I would remember my mom having to clean it up and I don't remember that. I think I maybe started. I think I did. Once you start. Once you start. It's hard to stop. It's really hard to stop. It's hard to clip it.

I don't know if I've ever fully stopped even. You can hold it for a sec. I can stop. I've done it in the car before. You can stop stop? If you have to, it sucks, but you can. stop stop you have to it sucks oh oh you know why what happened because you're driving into the city there's a lot of traffic you're coming from Long Island you drank a lot of water because you have a beautiful

singing voice you need to stay hydrated and then suddenly have to pee but again there's too much traffic so you pee into the water bottle you've been drinking them filled out your pee is a lot of pee oh my god you have to oh my god you can do it you can do it i've never have you ever fully clipped a pee i don't think i've had to but it's an experiment that i think i would fail do you i mean by the time the snow comes down i'm sure we can try mid pause you can do it i swear to god you can do it believe in yourself but how does it swallow back up there's gotta be something you literally know how to just think about it for one second you you that's how you do it yeah you don't it. Believe in yourself. But how does it swallow back up? There's got to be something. You literally know how to just think about it for one second.

That's how you do it. Yeah, you don't have to. It's like a Kegel. You do like a Kegel. Uh-huh. You know how you can like make yourself pee? Yeah. It's the same muscle.

But you did it in your sleep. Look, I'm jacked. I can do things you can't do. Your back is shit, but your Kegels are fucking ripped. Fucking lost. I started taking voice lessons again, a little here and there. And my guy, he loves, I can tell that he likes to say it with a little bit, where he goes, like, he goes, before you sing,

engage the same muscles used to make your erection move. Isn't it so ridiculous? And I'm like, Kegel is fine and all ridiculous. He just wants to say it. Yeah. They love it. They love it. They love it. They love it.

I had a voice teacher and he, not a voice teacher, when I auditioned for musical theater school and there was a song where he goes like, oh and he was like, what do you think that is? This is in the audition. I was like, I don't know. And he's like, he's coming. Oh my God. He's coming.

And that's the school I went to and that's the school i went to fucking that's the school i went to um about high school uh college college but he was it was like oh and he's like you see that's oh that's the cum coming out that's the cum that's the jack that is not what it sounds like so i start jerking off for. That's the gooning. That's the gooning. Yeah, it's so, you could just go, that's the ecstasy. That's the pleasure of it. He's coming.

He's coming. But I also cry in my sleep. Pretty cool. Really? Yeah. What kind of crying? Like sweeping? Yeah.

I've woken my, I always, if I do cry, like I have a dream that makes me cry, I wake myself up. Crying. Like crying. That's the one thing that will wake myself up. Although one time I slept walked and I blew my nose into my towel and I realized that the next morning when there was two dried snot streams in my towel and I was like,

oh my God, you're doing all sorts of bodily functions with this sleep walking. Thank God. Can you imagine? Hey, I got a new video of Tova. Here's her shitting all over the bodily functions with this sleepwalking. Thank God. Can you imagine? Hey, I got a new video of Tova. Here's her shitting all over the floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She said, this will boost engagement, huh? Yeah. I met someone once that they would order food. They would order like Seamless. Whoa. They would like order like she would do it in her sleep and like order like 10 things on Seamless. And like the next morning she'd wake up to all these phone calls from delivery people because she would just order it and then have no memory and not wake up to get it you know it sucks they would just be sitting outside you would either be sitting outside or

they would you know just take it with them because no one answered oh my god spend money on it and it would be like you just have to delete the apps at that point yeah yeah yeah your your sister older younger older and how'd she take this whole peeing during the middle of her sleepover i think it was funny i also like i think some of it got on her friend who was like kind of not her friend so i think that was it was a little celebratory in our memory oh wow it's kind of a funny memory of like that one time you accidentally peed on that girl i wish you would have peed on. Hey. Hey.

I wonder if she has a thing for it now. She's been talking about it every week with her therapist. Yeah. How many years older is your sister? Two and a half. And did she bully you? Did she guide you? No.

A little of both. My sister was really popular. Really? In school. She sister was really popular in school. She was the most popular girl in her grade, and I was probably the least popular kid in mine. Really? Yeah, so that was kind of a fun dynamic. Your mic's all twisty.

Do you want to untwist it? Should I? Oh, I just didn't know. I saw you. This honestly is the most ADHD episode we had between the two of us. I mean, I'm definitely not enjoying the fact that it's twisted. Okay, great. We'll fix it.

Yeah, there we go. Where did you go to school? Where'd you grow up? I grew up on Long Island. Long Island? Yeah. And she was like a cool kid? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. And you weren't... Because you are... I would consider... What? Say it in my face. You're cool. Sorry. Hey, thanks.

But you're part of what I would consider like... I think of're you're cool sorry hey thanks but you're part of the what i would consider like i think of like oh the cool comedians oh really come on i'll stop you know i know but don't you you know my headphones like fly off my head guys just watch this episode if you're listening on spotify i yeah i you are yeah you know that. Hey, I appreciate that. I mean, I... But you know that. I would say I'm like B+. I think there's cooler people and they're all on a click.

I didn't say coolest. Oh, okay, sick. That'd be crazy. I'll take it. We hope to get Jaboukie on the show eventually. Yeah. But tell me when you weren't cool.

Why? What happened? I was just like a nerd like i was just like a nerd i was just like a gay nerd who like was just not i was just trying to be friends with the wrong people what other nerds are cooler people like straight guys i was trying to impress straight guys long island though there's like it's kind of like that that must have been hard yeah i mean it was a nightmare yeah but like you know we're just not connecting and i'm just like not fast i'm not strong i'm not like i don't watch sports i don't know what they're talking about i'm trying to convince everyone i'm straight when you look

back do you think like because i was friends more with women yeah eventually i was but that was only like after because a part of like being closeted was like don't be friends with girls because everyone's gonna think you're gay oh so like you have to be friends with these guys and you have to make them like you or else everyone's gonna like it was like everything revolved around that um also i was such a late bloomer so i looked i looked nine until i was like 17 oh really help yeah when did you you describe yourself as closeted now. Did you think of it that way when you were young? Like, oh, I'm gay. Oh, I knew.

Do you remember like the age that you were like, uh-oh? It started creeping up on me like eight, nine, ten. But by the time I was like 11, I just knew it. It was so obvious. That's why like whenever I heard people talk about confusion, like sexual confusion, I was like, what are you talking about? I am not confused. I know exactly what's going wrong right now. Like this sucks. I'm not confused at all. Who you talking about? I am not confused. I know exactly what's going wrong right now. Like, this sucks.

I'm not confused at all. Who's talking about sexual confusion? That was a popular term. This was in the 1700s. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely remember one guy in particular where I went to, I grew up in D.C., so it was very progressive. So there were, there weren't that many people who were out but there was like yeah there was the kind of stereotypical like it was the lgbtq club and everyone was straight in the club for now oh my

god gradually like people would be queues yeah and like gradually and people would be queues i just remember one guy in particular where he was just like he had he came out of the closet as q which is i'm sure it's a great step it was funny in the moment where he was just like, he came out of the closet as Q, which is, I'm sure it's a great step. It was funny in the moment because it was just like, hey, guys, I got something to admit. I'm not sure. And you did hit him physically. I didn't hit him. I didn't hit him.

I swear. So when you were that age and you were hanging out with these straight guys, were you like, I'm going to bury this or maybe I'll flip it? Did you think that it could change? I think I knew deep down it couldn't, but I was trying. I feel like my whole life I've been trying to move a mountain. Uh-huh. You know, I'm just like, I think I can be the first person to fix this. And I just spend every day trying.

You know how they discover medical announcements like the first medicine that stopped the cancer. The first gay guy who made himself straight. Yeah, who willed it. Who willed it. Yeahed it yeah from long island for sure that makes sense yeah i think i gave up i was i was willing it for not too long eventually i was just like this is it and this is it but i wasn't i wasn't willing it for very long yeah yeah so you're hanging out with these guys and they do. How do they look? Do they bully you outright? No, it was. Oh, God, this is such a formative memory. OK, it's Friday. It's like four o'clock. We just got home from school. My sister, who's very cool and who was guiding me a little older too so like you're seeing yeah she is sort of coaching me on how to have friends and how to have a weekend oh man so she's like you need to text your friends at like 5 30 because it's the right time it's not too early that you look like a loser but it's not too late that they've already made plans and you are excluded from them so i'm texting my friends at 5 30 what

are you guys doing and they're like we're gonna hang out and you're gonna be there so i'm texting my friends at 5 30 what are you guys doing and they're like we're gonna hang out and you're gonna be there and i'm like cool and then it's like 6 30 and my mom is like when are you going out and i'm like i'm going out soon leave me alone and then 6 30 turns into 7 30 and i get dressed and i put on my coolest outfit but i haven't heard and then 7 30 is 8 30 and then it just keeps going and then eventually my mom keeps checking in on me and she knows what's happening and I think on some level I know that they're not gonna hang out with me. But eventually it's like 9 and I just know it's been a lot of breadcrumbing and I just know it's not gonna happen and I'd like take off my like outfit and

like put on pajamas and like I just knew my mom watched the whole thing play out. Do you remember did you send them a last text like all right guys i'm gonna head to bed no no i know i would have now i was so desperate i would never say i was waiting for something to happen i was just waiting for like for that moment just wasn't coming yeah and when you look back like do you think that do you think they were assholes or do you think like they weren't your did they keep leading you on like no it was on purpose that's bad oh you think they were laughing 100 oh that's yeah no they're not like busy these are like 15 year olds like they're like they just didn't want me there and yeah what can we do would you ever write them a letter that said like Instagram? No, but actually I have reached out to like...

See if they want to hang out again. I've reached out to other kids I went to school with in a therapeutic way. Really? But not them. That was just like, you know, we were never close. In what kind of way? I reached out to another gay kid from my school to be like, hey, I'm gay now. Isn't it sad that we were like one of very few gay kids in school and we could have been friends.

He's like, please don't talk to me. But we weren't. And it was kind of, it was, you know, I got a little bit, but I didn't get exactly the catharsis that I was looking for. He was out too. He was out in school. In school. But like school. Bullied beyond belief about it.

Like forced out. He's like resentful. He's like, fuck you. I was all alone. But I was nice to him. Whatever. No, I know. I tried to be nice to him.

But it wasn't, it wasn't like, you wanted him to be like, oh, that's, thanks for writing. Because we didn't get along. We were like enemies. We were like famous enemies.

Famous enemies? Feuding enemies. So in hindsight, I'm going like, and I'm seeing a therapist and I'm like, I'm packing a lot of things from my childhood and I'm like, you know, it might be nice. It might be nice to just reach out to him and say hey, like, meanwhile, you're waiting for those friends. You're texting that guy like, hey, you want to hang out

tonight? I'm not going to write it back. Yeah. That's fascinating. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember how you viewed him in high school? Yes. Well, okay, so I met him before that, like right before middle school. We went to the same summer camp.

We went to the day camp in our town, and he was very gay. We went to the day camp in our town and he was very gay. And people, you know, just really, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I felt bad for him. And I also, I think. What do you mean when you say that? They just went up to him every day? Yes. They were like, you shouldn't be this way.

You're a freak. Be a boy. Stop being this. Stop playing with the Hunchback of Notre Dame toys. Be, stop this. One telltale sign of a gay kid. love hunchback and notre dame yeah you know stuff like this yeah yeah i okay not popular in school i was popular in camp oh interesting in summer day camp i just because i was friends with the kid who was who was like the most confident and we just became like a duo

so we became like the most popular kids in the camp. And I wanted to use my power benevolently. And I wanted to befriend this person. And I did for a while. But I think he was just so stressed out because everyone was so cruel to him. And it just, I wanted to be friends with him. I tried to be friends with him and it just didn't happen.

And then later on, when musical theater entered the conversation, things got competitive, and things got intense. And then we were sort of quickly put against each other. For the lead, like trying to get the lead?

Or just like in general, like just like, we're both singing boys in this school, and only one can win. I did have some, I did have have some with some of the other musical theater guys looking back. Yeah. Because it's not that many. Yeah. So you're like, you should

just get the leads right out the gate. We were such different types that it was clear what we each were going to get. The other guy. He is on Broadway now too. What is he in? He was a cover in Merrily and he did wicked yeah oh my god what do we have truly like like both of us didn't it didn't happen like the same

time i got gutenberg and then he got like a who was in fiddler when you did fiddler in seventh grade right uh no but he was older he had he was one year older than me so he had always uh been he get like my when i was in high school he was like uh nathan he was a really good dancer he was like nathan detroit in guys and dolls sure he was the lead in bye-bye birdie so uh yeah wow hey hey yeah my bully was a great dancer yeah we were different like could do a split and like a backflip and like this stuff. Yeah. Yeah, there was a degree. Like by junior year, I was the musical theater guy. So I would get the lead there. Yeah.

And then if there were any other guys, certainly we would have had like a rivalry if anyone else was like serious about musical theater. Yeah. Crazy to be the musical theater guy. I mean, what a cursed calling in life. No, if I look at the arc of my life Yeah

That was the peak It was the top Little Shop of Horrors Junior year of high school to me Performance Peak Good for you Thank you

Peak Let me just say Summer camp Musical theater summer camp Doing the montage number From a chorus line Back when I thought Maybe I could kind of dance

Yeah And like just doing that A dancey singy number Where I had kind of dance. And just doing that, a dancey, singy number where I had a nice, meaty part in that thing. Oh my god. Peak happiness. Where was the camp? Cherubs. It was on the Northwestern campus. Gorgeous. Do you know that I was on Broadway when I was a kid?

Really? I do. And then I was fired from Spring Awakening and I never worked again. Oh, I was going to ask about Spring Awakening. Wait, wait, wait. How old were you when you... I'm talking about peaking. When you were Oh, I was going to ask about Sprinkle Awakening. Wait, wait, wait. How old were you when you... Talk about peaking. When you were fired. Like the... I was 17. No, wait.

Which was... What was Broadway? What was first when you were a kid? Yeah, I was 14. You were at what? I was in A Christmas Carol at Madison Square Garden. Wow. Ever heard of it?

I have. Yeah. I had rustled. Not to brag, you just auditioned for a Christmas thing. Yeah, it didn't go well. It was F. Murray Abraham and then Jim Dale. Oh, who's Jim Dale? Jim Dale, he does a bunch of stuff.

He also kind of notably recently was the voice of the Harry Potter books. Okay. F. Murray Abraham. That's exciting. That's amazing. Yeah. And was that cool? It was so cool, it was the best time ever Were you tiny Tim?

No, I was his brother And Scrooge, young Scrooge That's cool When they go back in time And he works in a factory and he's still nice And then I sing a letter To my dear sister fan. And is that the one where the girlfriend's like, pay attention.

And you're like, I got to work. Yes, but that was like, he was a teenager. I was a little baby boy. Got it. Yeah. Okay. And that went well? That went great.

I did that for two years. It was incredible. And then what was spring? And then my voice changed. Oh. And then the audience started falling apart. And suddenly you were competing with F. Murray Abraham. Yeah. Yeah. I did that for two years it was incredible and then my voice changed and it all just started falling apart and suddenly you were

competing with F. Murray Abraham yeah yeah my voice changes just all kind of fell apart I couldn't really sing anymore and I wasn't like

a great actor I was just I was a very good singer but then I certainly wasn't but wait it changed and you

you lost the ability to sing 100% but I thought like when I think of singing now I know part of it's you know know, it's your breath.

It's your bah, bah, bah. I think some people get through it, and then other people don't. And I also think the way that I was singing at the time didn't help me get through it. Sure. So, yeah, it just didn't happen. Oh, my God. Didn't make the leap. But then I got lucky, and I booked this thing.

You booked Spring Awakening Spring Awakening Which the original It was off Broadway at the time Oh my god I didn't know So this was Was Lea Michele in it already Everyone

Everyone It was like everyone And me And then it was Everyone except me Oh It was so bad Tell me what happened

Tell me the story I just wasn't ready To be working And I was 17 is so young It's very young 13 was even younger Sure Yeah I just wasn't ready to be working. 17 is so young. It's very young. 13 was even younger. Sure. Yeah. It was because

what I should have done was just never sang ever again. And I didn't know that. So I just kept trying. And I get this job and I know that it's an exciting job and I'm excited to be there. You sang for the audition, I assume. I did. But I think I did a pretty terrible job for most of the auditions. And then by the end, I was like, I think I could get this.

I think I might get this. What was your song? Well, okay, it was when Broadway was turning into like pop rock world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then I'm like, I don't know what to sing. I like Broadway stuff. That's what we're doing. Sure.

So now I have to sing and we have to figure it out. My mom is trying to make me cool and make me sing pop rock. So I started with like the beatles and the rolling stones yeah but you know i'm like barely a tenor i've got really nothing left i sound really awkward and i sang jumping jumping jack flash and it was just so whatever who made that who is that do you the rolling stones yeah okay and um you know the first one was horrible i got a call back i genuinely thought it was a mistake. I was like, really?

Me? Okay. I went back. You were awesome, though. You were looking good? You were handsome? No, I was awkward. You were awkward.

I went from being a very cute kid to now being like a very pubescent teen. Yeah. Kind of like, you know. Yeah, but sometimes a little awkward. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, sure, I was cute enough, but it was, you know, it was a tough time. It was a tough time.

Eventually, by the time I get the song that I had to sing in the show, I was like, okay, I can get away with singing this, but I'm not, like, flexible. I'm not, like, ready to work. Which song was it? It was Word of Your Body. Oh, my God. That's a sexy song. Yeah.

You know this? It was really amazing. I've heard the music, Yeah. You know this? It was really amazing. It was an amazing experience because that show is so incredible and I got to learn it before so many people and it was very cool.

I remember like learning the music and being like, this is unbelievable. This is such beautiful music. I can't believe like what we're getting to say. All this,

it was so cool. And then I would like sing it like during rehearsals I would come home and I would just sort of absentmindedly sing the songs and they're very sexual in nature. Oh yeah. And then I would sing it. During rehearsals, I would come home, and I would just sort of absentmindedly sing the songs. And they're very sexual in nature. Oh, yeah.

And my mom would be like, what did you just say? And I'd be like, oh, I forgot that I was singing this crazy thing. And basically, after three weeks of rehearsal, it was like imposter syndrome, but it was real. And they found the imposter, they got him could you okay so wait how many weeks three weeks so in rehearsal that's a lot of weeks though i was so stressed every day are you singing together and leah michelle's give it a little like my my song was fine i could sing only my song because i practiced it at home sure so i could sing only my song

exactly the way I was supposed to just like that. But then if they wanted to change anything or give me a different part or go try this or change this, I'm like, I was like, I can but I need three days and I need to do it alone. Like it felt you know I felt like Hannah Montana or something and I was like I was gonna get outed. So you did three weeks of rehearsal any Any shows? No. We took a hiatus. And then we were going to come back from hiatus.

And then the show was going to start. And then in between the hiatus and that. They replaced you. Yeah. Tell me how you felt. How did you find out? Oh, my. Okay.

So how we found out was I got a phone call from my manager at the time. She called my mom. And she's like screaming. And she's like, did Jared get fired from Spring Awakening? And my mom was like, what? You tell us how what are you talking about and she's like there's a breakdown for his part right now and we and we're like oh i don't know come on gang so then so there's a breakdown for the part and i'm in high school and i'm just like going to school and i'm like okay and then about a week later i get a phone call from the stage manager and she was like so uh where we get back from hiatus in like a few days and this is our

your call time and rehearsing and this is where you gotta go and i'm going all right sounds like they're seeing what else is out there they're not even firing you yet yeah oh man so after that phone call i thought i was good and then the next day I get a phone call and on my home phone, caller ID is the director's name. Oh man. And I see it and I'm like so spooked and I pick it up and yeah, he's just like, I'm so sorry. And it was just like, I just, I just went just,

I didn't hear anything he said after that. I was just like, oh my God. And I just felt just, I didn't hear anything he said after that. I was just like, Oh my God. And I just felt so bad. And then the first thing I thought was my mom is going to be so mad when I tell her, which is so crazy. Cause of course she wasn't, but that's how you just feel.

That's how you act, you know? Sure. And I'm getting fired and it's taking him forever to do it, which is, he was being so sweet and he was really trying to be a professional and he was saying so, I mean,

I've been fired before. And it's like you get kicked out on the road or you don't even find out you get fired until you see it. You know what I mean? So they went really like they did. They did a very nice service to really like I got separate phone calls from different producers to like, oh, to like it was because they knew everyone knew that show was going to be what that show was. So they just knew they were like, this is going to be a bad, you're going to have a bad year. And they knew it. I,

uh, I recently, fairly recently did a workshop of a show and got that call from a director. Yeah. But what's so funny is, um, and it was, I did not,

well, I don't want to say too much about the show, but it was fine to be like, Oh, I don't feel like it's a good thing, but, and who knows if it'll go forward. But he called to be like, we was fine to be like oh i don't feel like it's a good thing but and who knows if it'll go forward but he called to be like we're gonna be looking we're gonna be looking at casting other people potentially uh as we move forward yeah and but what's so funny is he was

made the call he called me directly i was like why is he calling me i answered the phone he i was like immediately feeling like this is what this call is. Is that? Yeah. And he spilled coffee on himself right at the beginning of it. So he was like, he goes,

hi, Russell. I wanted to call and talk. Oh! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I spilled coffee on me. And then I had to deal with him

dealing with that for about a minute. Three more times. I need to tell you something. Before he said, hey, we're going to look at other people. You know it's going to happen the whole time. But you're like, okay, man, can we speed this part up of the process? That's the sketch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. I do like that. Audio sketches are tough. That's the sketch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. I do like that. Audio sketches are tough. Oh, my God. Anyways. We're going to let you go. We're not going to.

The Sephora Savings Event is here. World in my hand. I'll take this and that. And that. Ooh, and this. Oh, it's true. Find everything you want on sale at the Sephora Savings Event. It only happens twice a year, and it's on now through November 11th.

Find brands like Rare Beauty, Glow Recipe, Valentino, K18, and more, all for less. Shop at Sephora today. Limitations apply. Must be a beauty insider. See terms at sephora.com for complete details. The faster money and data move, the further your business can go to a seamless digital future for Canadians. Let's go faster forward together.

In life, interact. So how did you deal with, I haven't had a scenario like that my my little sister had one with uh she was gonna be a lady gaga's one of her dancers on snl at the tom hanks episode oh wow and she like friday night the stage was smaller than they thought so they cut it down to two of four dancers and it wasn't just that i mean that's bad enough yeah but then like those two dancers went with lady gaga to japan the super bowl and like the full tour and this was like i mean this would have been great yeah do you remember like oh my god were you i moved into the city for college where i wasn't supposed to go because i was gonna because I thought my career

was over but it wasn't so I'm not going to the prom I'm not going to college thank god I can continue my life as I thought and then I didn't and then I moved into Manhattan New York City in New York State and I just watched the show be the biggest hit oh it was on every subway car I was on it was on every cab I drove by me. Pictures of the guy who replaced you specifically. All of it. I remember... What's his name? His name's Gideon Glick.

He's extremely talented. No, we actually tried to book him for today. Yeah. Oh, man. And did you ever see it? I never saw it. No, I couldn't. That would be too hard.

Of course. I couldn't see it. That would be so awkward. Yeah no i couldn't that would be of course i couldn't see it i couldn't see it yeah i couldn't do it um if you ran into leah would you go leah i don't think we would really remember she wouldn't remember it was a long this was like so long ago and it was only a few weeks i would never forget yeah oh god it was tough it was really really tough yeah it was just everywhere it was just everywhere. I couldn't get away from it.

But the one solace was I felt like one day at lunch, freshman in college at a school I don't want to be at, I'm going up to my dorm to eat my lunch alone because I'm sad. I'm like, why am I here? What do I do with my life? And in the elevator, this guy gets on singing The Bitch of Living. And I'm just like, I literally

cannot get away from this. But I also chose to go to school in Manhattan. I just felt like the saddest woman in the world. And that felt like a crown.

It really did. Oh, really? I literally, any time a moment like that happened, I was like, this is what they make movies about. I felt like was watching gray's anatomy at the time i really related to meredith like how she was like the saddest woman in the hospital and everyone's like staring at

the car crash and her friends are like stop staring at her she's having a hard enough time you leave her alone like i felt like that was the one thing i could have was like well i don't think anyone's sadder in new york city than me wow and also the bitch of living is such like a perfect song to literally listen to in that moment i once i once tried to do like an acting class to see my favorite play is amadeus because i relate to sally airy and and i thought like i couldn't pull off the scene like i wasn't a good enough actor to pull off the scene and i'm like this is so fitting that the role I'm attracted to is the guy who doesn't have the talent to be like God's gift to the world. And I'm not even good enough to play him,

which means I should understand the part better than anybody, but who's going to get it. Someone who actually is talented. And you know who that person is? F Murray Abraham. Yeah. Really? In the movie.

Oh, sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. That's his Oscar win. There you go. Oh my God.

I touched his Oscar. Me too. He brought it. He brought it. He brought it to Gutenberg when sure, sure. That's his Oscar win. There you go. Oh my God, I touched his Oscar. Me too. He brought it. He brought it to Gutenberg when he did it. Yes, he brings it. He brings it everywhere. He hasn't had a lot of success since, movie-wise. Look, if you have an Oscar, I'm bringing it. I had an Oscar.

I'm joking. It's just funny that he brings it everywhere. He does bring it, yeah. Wait, he brought it to Christmas Carol? Yeah, he left it in the dressing room. And that was his thing. He would leave it in the dressing room. So he could walk away and be like,

has anyone seen my Oscar for the movie, The Lead? Yeah. That's funny. I didn't know it was his thing. It had all these stains on it. It looked like a trumpet that you'd get from your high school. Really? Because everyone touches it and plays with it and takes a picture with it.

Yeah, we took pictures with it. He was being of the people. He's like, it's of the theater. Yeah. Here's my Oscar. He just put it on the thing. Wow. What's so weird so weird with when you see one award yeah you can feel it it's exciting there's so you can feel the power of it and then like sometimes i'd go to a casting office oh my god and there'd be but there'd be like 20 emmys in a shelf and the moment there's more than

one you're like it's all fucking bullshit like it takes i like ad ad i There's one commercial I did where I was in an ad agency a couple times. And there's some award that's like a pencil. And there's bronze and silver and gold. Oh, is it like the commercial award? Yeah, one of those. But I mean, we're talking every office has them sacked like trash on the side of the wall. And you're like, well, then fuck it. It also depends on what the award, like what you did to get the award.

Because sometimes when there's like producers with awards, I'm like. Composers, get the fuck out of here. No, but like producers, producers. I'm like. You all get a Tony? So you paid for it. Yeah. You put money in.

Oh, wow. Cool. If someone said like, I'm an EGOT and you're like, you're not an EGOT. I know. Someone said that. Sing you're an EGOT and then I'll believe it. Someone said that about. Eminem?

No. What's her name? She produced The Outsiders. Is Eminem an EGOT? I think he believe it. Someone said that about... Eminem? No, what's her name? She produced The Outsiders. Is Eminem an EGOT? I think he's one away. The T? I believe so. What's her name?

What does he have an Emmy for? A song and something. I think you've made up this scenario. Okay. We have an interview. He should make a musical. Yeah, really? I think so.

Eminem is one shot away. I think he's the perfect amount of cool for a Broadway musical. You know every Broadway song, someone's going to sing the word maggot, and you're like, oh, no, here we go. He is one. He is one. He needs a Tony still. What does he have the Emmy for?

But Angelina Jolie. Are you going to apologize for that rude comic made early? Yeah, I'm sorry. Thank you. Angelina Jolie produced The Outsiders, and someone was like, she's close to an EGOT. I was like, she produced. That's not the same.

I feel like for an EGOT, you have to have either composed or performed something. Who are the EGOTs that we know? Producers. That doesn't count. Whoopi. Whoopi. Yeah. I like the idea that Whoopi got that, and she said, I'm no longer performing ever again.

She's dead. Fully dead. I'm now going to have some of the worst political takes of all time on a weekly basis. I'm not going to think of one creative or interesting thought for the rest of my life. I think that's what should happen. I think you get it. Yeah. It's like when people have like three Oscars, I'm like, okay, so no one else can have it

to me? I know. That's like being old and still being in politics. It's like you got the thing. Yeah. Open it up. For real. I agree 100%.

I hate, I hate. Tova tells me all the time, I say, look, I don't want to go to the award shows. And she goes, you're going to go to the award shows. You're going to go. No, I'm going to Woody Allen. Everyone hates LA until they have to go to LA. What? Everyone hates LA until they have to go to LA.

That's so true. I know a lot of people recently that have come back from LA and they come back going I hate LA they'll go two more times and then they'll think they're the first person to invent liking LA they'll come back after the third trip and they'll be like you know I actually discovered some stuff over there

and no one knows about it but me and then the fifth time they go they're like I want to move there and it's like fine either go there or don't but it's so one time i was in a green room in new york and these two comics are going back and forth they're like oh i fucking hate la la sucks always so grow la la la la la and then they're like where are you from and i was like la and they're like oh i'm gonna be there in two weeks you know any shows i can get on and i'm just like, just everyone be chill. Like, it's fine. LA is fine.

New York's fine. Everywhere is bad. Go to LA or don't. You could go to LA. I've told you this before. I could go to LA if I could live well. Like, I don't want to struggle. I know struggling here.

I don't want to struggle. Struggling there is easier. I don't want to have to have a car unless I'm getting driven places. I want to have a pool. You don't want to struggle. Struggling there is easier. I don't want to have to have a car unless I'm getting driven places. I want to have a pool. You don't want to have a car? I don't want to be in charge of driving myself to places. Me and Tova, we can't drive, so we've got to figure it out. You can?

Me and Tova don't. Wow. Know how to drive. Okay. But you're really a bi-coastal guy. And say that again. You're really a bi-coastal guy. Yeah. But again. You're really a bi-coastal guy. Yeah.

But for real, I don't even know where you live. I live there. I live in LA. You've told us 10 times. Yeah. We get it. Hollywood.

Bright Lights. Uh-huh. Yeah. California. Best stand-up comedy in the world. Los Angeles. I'm going to cry. Yeah, I live Best stand-up comedy in the world, Los Angeles. I'm going to cry.

Yeah, I live in LA, but I'm from here. My family's here. So it's easy. When I'm here, I just leech off of my family. Oh, okay. That's how I'm able to be here. What does your sister do now? My sister, she stopped working.

She has a daughter. Oh, wow. So the daughter works? The daughter doesn't work yet, but we'll put her to work soon. Does your sister like your comedy? She does. And she also likes comedy. She does?

Yeah. So it's a fun thing. It's a fun new thing we get to share. Yeah? Yeah. How did she feel? Was she like... Because you're acting.

You must be getting some extra special attention. Sure. But my sister, she did... Like, yeah, when I was a kid, you mean? Yeah. My sister briefly modeled. She's very pretty. Briefly modeled, but she didn't like it. She wanted to just be like a kid in high school and have fun.

Yeah, she was fine. She had her own. She did not want to hang out with us. She was like, I'm off at a She did not want to hang out with us. She was like, I'm off at a party. I'm going to be a teen. I think it was weird because you say... She didn't want attention from us. We were desperate for her approval.

And she was like, get away from me. So I was like, I'm going to go into the city and sing for 45 minutes and come back. And she was like, I don't know you. I don't care. I always imagined... Because I didn't do anything professional performance wise when I was a kid yeah and I always would I would have thought that like right at school yeah I would have thought the kids at school would be like oh my god you're an f-marie Abraham

from my favorite movie on the day yeah? Yeah. But I would think that they'd think it was cool. It was a mix. People did. People did, but then it was also gay. It was gay. But then also some people thought it was cool. Yeah. It was a mix.

It put me on the map for sure. Because again, my sister was super popular. I was really not. I was really losing the battle. I needed to boost engagement. And then child acting got me there. God. Spring Awakening would have really... really losing the battle I needed and I needed to boost engagement and then at child acting got me there God spring awakening we're really I brought the tape when I was on SNL we played it in every class it's pretty cool wait oh

yeah you were in an SNL thing in a sketch wow oh which wasn't that sketch was it it's called the fun friends Club Oh happened it was a Barney sketch was the and we the joke was we came back from hiatus and we were all going Friends Club. Oh, what happened? It was a Barney sketch. The joke was we came back from hiatus and we were all going through puberty. Rachel Dratch now didn't fit in her clothes anymore. Oh.

We had to jump and dance. My character, my voice had changed. Then Don Pardo played my speaking voice the the announcer you just that's so cool yeah yeah was it is a good performance i think so my my lip sync was more locked in during the dress rehearsal but it what we got there i would say it was good i was singing i was dancing i was lip syncing yeah i was i was selling it i also was 15 and not actually

eight like the actual eight-year-olds who were also cast as the children yeah so i knew where i was and i cared i was excited i was meeting tracy morgan i couldn't believe it that's so cool do you feel like having done so much professional work as a kid made you do you feel like do you look at people you know who've been in the industry since they were in their early 20s or mid-20s and go like, oh, I know something even deeper than you guys about this thing? Yeah, but it's... Yes, yeah,

I do. The short answer is yes, but it's not good. What's the list? I feel like when I started doing stand-up, I was so happy and really grateful to do it. It was so fun, and I was pretty lost for a long time, and I didn't know what to do. But I had a lot of fear about pursuing this industry and pursuing performance. Again, I've been fired and never worked again.

It feels very bad. And then to kind of like walk back into that willingly of like that possibility and feeling fearful and feeling like people could tell I was fearful. And you know, you're supposed to be really confident and you're supposed to be like really strong. Did you leave,

leave after spring awakening? You like, no, I tried. I tried for like two more years. Could not get a job. Uh years, could not get a job. Uh-huh. Could not get a job.

And then after two years of trying and failing, I quit. Was it like a moment? I'm like, you can't fire me, I quit. Did you say, I quit? Oh, I had like one last audition in like Midtown when I was like 19 for a musical.

And there was just all these Spring Awakening reminders at the audition because like I think their like a year had gone by or like six months had gone by

so everyone's contract was like up so they were all people on the phone like my mother who bore me someone else has totally fucked

yeah yeah but like all the Michelle's tit pops out all the actors were looking for work now so i'm at this audition with all of them and i'm like oh god and then like i'm bumping into like the director

i'm bumping into the actors i'm like i walk into the actual audition and the guy i'm singing for is wearing a spring awakening shirt it was so like it was i literally i could not get away from it and then i sing my little song and it was so forgettable i literally i could not get away from it and then i sing my little song and it was so forgettable and i feel terrible and then they're kind of looking at their notes and for whatever reason i like look behind me and on the wall behind me is the biggest bug i've ever seen in my life it kind of looked like a praying mantis but it also looked like a roach it was this big black bug and i see it i'm like oh my god so i turn back to this table of people and they're like they don't notice it and they're like scribbling and I was like hey guys there's a there's a and then when they all see the bug they start

screaming they jump up this whole table of gay guys screaming and in all of that commotion I just left I was supposed to stay and finish my audition and do the sides but I just I was just like get me out of here get me out of here i don't want this anymore i don't want to sing anymore i don't want to see spring awakening shirts anymore i don't i hate this as you left you realized you were the bug yeah that sounds like what's that author uh where the guy turns into the beetle oh the famous guy yeah i don't know it just sounds like one of those kind of stories of just wow i knew it was like even in the moment i was like i'm living in a story i really felt it every single

day and it the romance of that was the only thing that got me through having to live through it yeah because what i actually wanted was to be in the show and like to be you know succeeding and feeling good about that um so yeah it was just i walked to the park and i got to the park and i sat down and i was just like just cry and you'll feel better just sit here and just cry and i couldn't even cry and i was just i was so stuck in it and i just i called my manager at the time and i was like no more musicals just no more musicals and he was like okay i don't care bye and i was like great i have an announcement to make. Should we call the press?

Yeah. Deadline. So that was it. That was the end of it. That big fucking bug. And I just never went back. What's the name of that author? Can you look up that author? It turns into a bug. Everyone says, oh, that was so Lattian. So you're in college

when this happens. Yeah. And that was your whole life? I thought I was going to do it for the rest of my life. Latian so you're in college when this happens yeah and you're that was your whole life that was I thought I was gonna do it for the rest of my life and then I'm like now what

sure and I'm like I'll just act which honestly to have that question sure so now you're just I'm just gonna act

that was the change yeah but I didn't even I wasn't even good at acting I didn't even like acting do you still think you're not a good actor no I I would audition

that following year I would audition for like plays casting directors would burst out laughing at me why because they were comedies no no no like i just was not like i just wasn't an i i can i can act now but not that i was just a kid who could sing and was cute i would stand there and listen yeah i wouldn't you know do my homework and sing. That's how you do it. So I had to learn to act later, but it wasn't at the time. This is the first story.

Normally when I hear child working stories, I'm like, I wish I had. This is one of the first where I'm like, okay. Yeah, it's tough. They took my braces off. They shouldn't have taken my braces off. We took them off early. My jaw clicks to this day.

For Spring Awakening? No, just for all of it. Even worse. This is before. That's why his back's fucked up. He had a back brace too. Yeah. All for Spring Awakening.

Yeah. That's tough. Yeah. So then, so, but did you just, but you're still acting up until you did stand up. You never you never. No, I never quit. I guess I just didn't know what to do.

So I just kept doing it like out of just passive confusion. I would book like a job a year, which is which is something. But it's you cannot live off of six hundred dollars and one day of work a year. Yeah. So I'm like trying to figure out what I should do. And then I and then i had a similar please cry in this zip car in santa monica and i can't even cry uh-huh uh leaving a bud light commercial callback that i didn't get and i'm like how many times am i going to drive to santa monica and not get a bud light commercial what am i doing i'm just getting older and older and

older and older that sentence wow yeah it's almost like that that i go stand up so stand up so the autonomy of stand up is so great yes because i haven't had to deal with that audition feeling in a long time i know that audition feeling oh it's horrible we're just you didn't even get a chance you didn't even get a chance and maybe you did but it was or you blew it or you blew it you had a chance you ruined it it's get a chance. Maybe you did, but it was... Or you blew it. Or you blew it. Or you had a chance and you ruined it. It's all bad. They tell you, if I was still auditioning for musicals, I'd be a 10 out of 10 on the suicide scale right now.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I got to be careful showing this to the camera. I worry I didn't show my social security number. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I was... This is just a little side story. I was getting a... I got my wallet stolen. No. This is a little side story I was getting it I got my wallet stolen no why did you take it I know yeah and I had to replace this one card

that like it's under my stepfather's it's not a credit card under his account but his account lets me access this airport lounge thing had to get him on the phone okay I'm just trying to make clear. My stepfather is not... It's like any lounge. Not any lounge, but a lot of lounges internationally. A lot of lounges. Centurions? Centurion, but other ones too. But it's like he has the high

Amex. Like veteran something? Something. Something, you know. Titanium. And I had to get him on the phone. Okay. And let me see get him on the phone. Okay. And let me see if I can make up... I think I can save this.

If you're hearing this song, it means we cut something out. Probably Russell being racist. Shh. Wow. I'm probably going to have to edit... 100th birthday is a big deal, live or dead, though.

You know? So I can see why the person made the joke. You want me to celebrate yours? Yeah. If if you're still around I want you to celebrate my birthday what do you want me to do for that birthday um go to my grave is the cry the colonized Nicole coming I'm assuming everyone's dead I'm assuming there's not a country at that point but but if you're still alive go to my grave alone don't bring anyone with you. And sit there and reflect for 12 hours and think about me.

12 hours? Mm-hmm. 12 hours. Yeah. Can I ask a question? Yeah. OK. Yes, you can say.

Let's say Tova has sadly passed away or left me. You can't bring a new person, no. OK. Nicole's still alive. Uh-huh. We both't bring a new person, no. Okay. Nicole's still alive. We both love you and miss you so much. Okay. And we just, we're constantly, we're checking in and be like,

remember when Russell did this, remember when Russell did that. Do you want us to get married? No. No. I'm not opposed. I told Nicole, she goes. This is Nicole Kidman? Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is Nicole Kidman. His wife,, yeah, yeah. This is Nicole Kidman. His wife, Nicole. My wife, Nicole Kidman. No, but I said just a year. That's all I'm asking. But actually, I'm pretty loose on that. You could, whatever.

Nicole's your wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't matter when I'm dead. If I die, you fired Tova that day. Sorry. John Marcos' dad used the glue. She'll be worried about other things. It'll be fine.

We'll pass. Are you seeing anyone? Am I seeing anyone? Yeah. I'm not. If you have anyone for me. I would have no idea what your type is. Rich.

Really? Hot. What's more important. Rich. Really? Hot. What's more important, rich or hot? Hot. Yeah? Yeah. What's hot for you? That'd be a fun segment if we introduced,

if we like for single people, had someone waiting. You're talking about making a dating show, our podcast into a dating show? I can't imagine anything. I think if I was on a dating show, I think I would fall for it. I think like,

we all think it's so fake. I think if I was on a dating show, I think I would fall for it. I think like we all think it's so fake. I think if I had to really genuinely try to date a handsome man on television to get him to love me, I would lose my mind. I would start talking the way they talk on a dating show. I think I would genuinely. I get me on one of those shows. Are you going to lean into being like A villain Are you gonna be like gossipy

Or are you just gonna be sweet and nice Cause you want If I'm on a dating show Yeah To quote my girlfriend I want it to be To boost engagement Yes

And I wanna be like That's what the dating show is called I wanna be kind of Boost engagement Boost engagement Let's be honest And there's a ring The O is two rings

Instead of being like The Bachelor And everyone's trying to get brand deals Let's be honest It's boost engagement a ring. The O is two rings. Instead of being like The Bachelor and everyone's trying to get brand deals, let's be honest. It's boost engagement. It's 20 people just trying to get famous and we'll put a camera on them.

They can do whatever the fuck they want. Yeah. Sure. Would you go on a dating show? I want to do a reality show so bad. I wouldn't,

but if I did, I would be like... What show would you do? You could do any show. I'd have to do one of the gay ones. I don't know. Whatever that one is. I think it's like

Queer the one that... Queer Quant or something. Queer Quant? What was that? I don't know. It's like You're the One That I Want. Oh. It was like a bi one. I feel like they have versions of regular... What do we have? No, I feel like the regular... What about Love Island? Do they not have me on love island do they not have gay people in love island

survivor i don't think they do really it's not survivor not on love island you could do a couple to throuple couple to throuple the first season of couple to throuple okay put me on a couple to throuple sure Sure. And I will cry. You would cry? I almost cried on this podcast. Really? Humiliating. Over which part? Which part?

Whenever you guys were talking. What reality show would you do if you could do it for Fudsy's? I don't know. I don't know. They're all very stressful to me. A reality show? Would you do Big Brother with me? I would do them anyway. No, I'm not.

You wouldn't do Big Brother with me? No, I'd do the one that are stuck in a house and filmed the whole time. No, no, no. I meant Amazing Race. No. Why? I would not do Amazing Race. That's so stressful.

Why wouldn't you do that with me? They're going to make you jump out of a plane. Jumping out of planes like scorpions and things. There's weird challenges. It's hot. You got a backpack. But we're going to win. John Marco, if I went on Amazing Race with you, we would be-

John Marco, wait. You would so go on Amazing Race. We would be the first ones out. We would be the first ones out. I'm surprised you haven't already. You would get so mad at me because I would be like, it would start, and I'd be like, I'm not racing. That's what I would do.

I'd be like, I'm not racing. Who am I here to prove to what? To prove to what? Who am I proving this to? I don't need to win this. You're trying to win the money. You're trying to win the money. Exposure.

Boost engagement. Get more podcast listeners. Can I tell you, I know we would never win that race why do you say that we would oh my god wait as a podcasting duo you probably should go we could go against other podcasting duos but i would not think we'd lose to the are you garbage guys probably really i'm not gonna jump out of anything well here's the thing you don't have to you can just have a meltdown about it for an episode. That's true. And then get sent home.

Yeah. I would be pissed if you was getting out of a plane. We would get in such big fights. I'd say, you fucking get out of that goddamn plane. We would get in such big fights. Someone recently told me what it feels like, and it's bad. I was skydiving. Did you like it?

Yeah, it was incredible. What did they describe it as? It hurts. It's physically uncomfortable the whole time. You're strapped to a stranger. It hurts. Why are you asking for a secondhand account? I'm right here. I did it was incredible. What did they describe it as? Like, it hurts. It's physically uncomfortable the whole time. You're strapped to a stranger. It, like, hurts. It's like the wind getting in your mouth. I'm right here.

I did it. Yeah. It's fun. You face your mortality, and you laugh at it. And you say, I'm going to survive anyway. Yeah, you seem like you're doing well. Yeah. Hey.

I did it. I'll do it again. Did you feel like you were facing your mortality? No. I think something went crazy where you go, oh, this isn't how I die. Yeah. We could do it now. No, yeah, of course.

I've determined that this is not how I die. Yeah, I don't think you faced your mortality. What is to face? I think the only way to face mortality. I'll show you. You're going to face it today. I'm most afraid of when you're coming back, when you're landing, that when they kind of come in in fast that my legs would go like that. You know what I mean? Like when they're coming in

So you're surviving. At that point you've been dead for 20 minutes. Don't worry about that. Don't you worry about that. But you're landing but like one leg gets stuck and it just rips right off. Yeah, that's what I'm scared of. And everyone goes, he did it! He did it. He made it all the way down and then immediately my legs

You'll be the first person To die from screaming And you don't And you don't feel it You don't feel it for a while Because of the adrenaline So much So you're like I did it

Oh god What? Yeah Oh god Let's do it I want you to think of a show For us to do together It could be

We already did one game show Oh my god The Great British Bake Off Oh I would No but I'm not good at that But we did do a game show together. Yeah, something like that. What game show?

It was on Quibi. No one saw it. Oh, what game show? It was about, what's it called? Eye Candy. Eye Candy. It was like an is it cake kind of thing. Oh, okay. Yeah, now it's on Roku now. Josh Groban was the host.

I was going to be a Quibi star. Really? I was going to be on like three of those things. Yeah. Damn. We lost so much. We did. Let's go to our next segment.

This has got to stop. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. Do you have this got to stop? Yeah, this has got to stop. Okay, I was on vacation and I've been noticing it this week. Families. Families, when they're traveling, they talk so mean to each other

like like you like simple things like like on the way here i was on the subway and there was a family it was two kids and and parents and and the kid was just just got on a subway they're clearly like overwhelmed there's a lot happening they're they're not from new york and the mom is like like overwhelmed there's a lot happening there they're not from new york and the mom is like just grab the railing denise like just like and i feel like i noticed it when i was on vacation too like every little interaction is so mean yeah just talk like you're a family you like this is why it's horrible and the kids talk mean too and it's like just say night you can you could say grab the railing denise it takes the same amount of time and it's not horrible say night you can you could say grab the right earring denise it takes the same amount of time and it's not horrible like just i i don't know why are you nice to your

family i am but i i think i mean of course people you always get snippy with your family of course but i feel like i just been hypersensitive to it and it's like horrible to be around like because i was on such a nice, relaxing vacation. And I just kept noticing these families talk to each other that way. And it was unnecessary. No crisis was happening. Nothing bad was happening. It's just how they would interact with each other would be so mean.

Anyways. Do you have any other notes on how women should raise their children? Okay. There was men doing it, too. I'm just saying. That's what I noticed. that's a good one uh mine is uh and i hope this isn't too xenophobic oh my god so sometimes i'll watch no cone people what is with them sometimes i'll watch a porn and someone like the stepdad or whatever will have an intense Russian accent or an intense like a European, Eastern European accent. And it's not addressed.

It's not part of the thing. It's not addressed at all. Yeah. And I'm like, that's coming up. You want a line thrown in like you know i can't believe mom met you on that trip to moscow yeah and now is it always russian men it definitely it feels like like it's and it comes out of nowhere it's not clear in the thumbnail there's just something i watch it and like she's She's in like Florida

Just talking And then he comes I can't do accents Can you do like a Russian Like a thick Your mother I can't I can't

I can't do accents I can't The training has failed you I can't Wow Do it No why am I not doing it Just say a line

I'll be the girl Say the line What line do you want to say? Hi, why are you in my room? Because I would like to have sex with you. Fine, but only my butt. Wait, let's keep going. No, because I don't feel like this is a problem.

I've not been encountering this in porn. I don't know. It's recently problem. I've not been encountering this in porn. I don't know. It's recently. It's just like... It's Russian women sometimes. But like... This is why I open eight tabs just in case any of them has...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You wanted addressed. I don't listen. I don't like the part where anyone's talking. I agree. I just fast forward right to the... I need story.

I don't... I need story. It depends. I need to know how they're related. A little bit of story is fun, but like costumes are fun. A little bit of story is fun, but costumes are fun. A little bit of costumes are fun to me. Costumes? Without the story?

Yeah, because I don't need to see the acting. I don't want to see the acting. I hate even worse. Sometimes it'll be like Avatar. When Avatar came out, there's always Avatar porn. I feel like it's very easy to get around whatever problems you're encountering. Don't click on avatar porn, man.

But what's funny is it's like the makeup budget was high, so they're all in blue. No, I know. But then as they fuck, you know... Is the blue getting on the bad? That, but also as they're fucked, their genitals start... It's mushing. So suddenly their genitals are human pink. Yeah.

Genitals are human. You want Yeah. Genitals are human. You want the avatar genitals. Yeah. You want those fucking avatar genitals. So yeah, I just need the accent addressed. I don't have a problem with the accent, but I don't know that many couples or that many stepdads

and their respective stepdaughters where the stepdad has a very intense accent. Okay, that's a good one. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Mine is wholesome. great two devils demonic demons angel uh-huh angel type yes yes okay this has got to stop dry bread at bakeries and cafes oh yeah i can see that it's dry you can see that it's dry you know it's dry dry. And you're charging people for this.

What kind of? You mean just like a whole loaf? Slices, loaves, cake, any kind of bread that you're selling. You can see right away. You can see it. I don't know if I can see it. What do you look for? Oh, I can't. If something is dry, you can tell.

Can't you tell? If something is burnt, you can tell. So are you mad because you forgot to check one day? No, no, no, no, no. I'm mad because I'm walking into this cafe. I'm looking into the counter and I'm seeing dry, dry, dry baked goods that you and I both know are not. Stop it. Don't be doing this.

Yeah. Would you do that? No. No? be doing this. Yeah. Would you do that? No. No? It's disrespectful. But I can see you go, oh my God, no one's buying the bread

in the morning. What, are we going to throw it all away? There are these places you can donate it. You can donate it. At the end of the day, they donate it.

I really like when they go, hey, just so you know, the sushi, it's been out for a long time. Yeah. It's probably fine. Here's a discount. I go, thank you. I for a long time. Yeah. It's probably fine. Here's a discount. I go, thank you.

I will take that risk. Nice. I would do that with bread. If I'm going to toast it anyway, I'll be like, you know what? I'm going to toast it. Give me a little discount. We're good. Yeah.

But the lying's got to stop. Yeah. It's like I would never put this out as a product. I would never lie to someone's face and say, you should buy this. Well, and if you've been tricked sometimes and you get it. No, it's not even a trick. It's not even a trick

because you literally, that's the thing. It'd be one thing. It's not, this isn't like a taste thing of like, oh, I didn't like it.

That's not their fault. You can see with your eyes before you ever anything that it's dry. And I'm going, I'm looking back at them like, and you're okay with that. That's just sitting there.

You're going to sell that to someone and you're going to know it's dry. You're going to know you baked it better yesterday. You might bake it better tomorrow. You're going to charge just sitting there. You're going to sell that to someone and you're going to know it's dry. You're going to know you baked it better yesterday. You might bake it better tomorrow. You're going to charge the same thing. You're going to sell people like it's not dry?

Yeah. Come on now. Yeah. I don't like that. Sure. I don't like that. Do you want to name them? Honestly, it happens so often.

It happens so I can't even name a place because it's so many places. Okay. All right. This has got to stop. Let's go on to our final segment. You better count your blessing. You better count your blessing.

I, uh, did you just put your, I thought my phone was ringing. Oh, no, there was the music and the headphones. Okay.

If I was wearing them out now, um, I have a good one today. Um, If I was wearing them, I would know. I have a good one today. My blessing today is we've been coming here how long? You know, coming to the studio for all these episodes. And every day I try to land. I try to get on the subway and determine where I'm going to get off that it'll be right the stairs right there. And I never get it right.

Never. I've been trying every time. Every time. Well, because sometimes it's different, too, with the F or the M. It's a different thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But today it lined up. It was the first time the doors opened and the stairs were right there.

And it must have saved 30 seconds. But I felt like, wow, now I know if the F train comes, where to stand exactly to get it. That's a good one. I like that. My blessing is, honestly, even though I do think it's absurd

the amount of money I had to pay to get it done, I'm very happy to have access to Xanax and not have to just get it off someone it's so important I'm glad I got it done it's infuriating every time I deal with the medical system

I get the deep anger but that and now hopefully I can get Adderall and try it and have it be a part of my life and I just feel like a lot of ways there's certain medication stuff I should have looked into when I was younger. I mean, you know,

especially ADHD stuff. I'm like, I don't know. There could have been parts of school that would have been easier for me. Yeah.

And I'm glad at 35. This has felt like a big year of self-improvement and like getting things like... This is you improved? Uh-huh. It is. But it is.

It is. Yeah. So I'm happy to get that. And I pray to God it works. I'm going to do a test run. How? I'm just going to try it before I go to bed regular. And I'm...

And Dope is going to come in with some almonds and tap me on the shoulder. Do you want this shitty little bag of almonds? That would be fun. Do you have a blessing? I do. What's your blessing? It's the forgiveness of others.

Oh, yes. There's nothing like it. Did someone forgive you recently? No, I've never done anything wrong. Good. Yeah, I've never needed it personally, but I hear it's nice. Have you ever forgiven someone? Oh, if you come to me, correct.

I will always forgive. If you come to you, correct. 1,000%. I love to forgive people, and I love to be forgiven. I think. It's like, I feel like I'm in the sky, and it's heaven. What if Donald Trump came to you right now and said, can I, and he like gave you a very sincere apology for what he's done to America.

And he was really sincere to you. I don't, I don't think that would. Wouldn't feel good. Maybe a little bit. What would it sound like? Let's see it. Yeah.

Yeah. What would it, what would it be? I don't know. Last night I told him, I said, I think it's time for me to get this impression done. Huge.

Huge China. That's how he says it on the launch day. We're going to bleep that. That was crazy. Oh my God, you can't just say China. This is coming out August 20th. If Biden is still in the race, I will kill myself.

He will be. I just couldn't stand it. I know this is going to be the most dated when it comes out. Did you watch any of the RNC? It was the last night. I did not. We were by the TV. I never watched TV.

Oh, I watched Amber Rose. You watched Amber Rose? Yeah. I watched Hulk Hogan. I watched Kid Rock. I watched all these people. All the big ones. Kid Rock when I was like, Oh, I watched Amber Rose. You watched Amber Rose? Yeah. I watched Hulk Hogan. I watched Kid Rock. I watched all these people that like, All the big ones.

Kid Rock, when I was younger, Kid Rock, I had a CD and I was like, like third grade. I shouldn't have had the CD. Yeah.

And it was him with Eminem. They're flicking off the camera with like the biggest fake-titted woman in the world and they have little stars on them. And I'm like, this is the guy.

This is the guy. And the lyrics were talking about how he was devil-sent. And I'm like, okay the guy this is the guy and the lyrics were talking about how he was devil sent and i'm like okay i i don't believe i don't believe in any of this yeah but it's pretty crazy there's literally some guy going converting to catholicism later in life and and they really believe in it and they think like the devil is real and then kid rocks out there like i'm from the devil yeah and i'm like you guys don't The only thing that's stringing you together, if you're being honest, is a love of white supremacy. That is the only thing you have in common.

He believes he's from the devil. You believe it's craze. That's the one thing. Or just it's awful. It's awful. I know you're swayed by Trump's changed tone. I know. You know me.

People said this. They said, Trump, he talked about the assassination attempt and they were like, he was really somber. He was really moving. And it was like,

you know what? For almost getting shot and living through it, it was fine. If someone almost tried to shoot me and it nicked my ear and then it didn't hit and I told you the story.

It's going to be a pretty good story 10 times out of 10. Yeah. That's an exciting story. Yeah. And you don't get points. It wasn't like,

oh, wow, he really captured the whistle of the bullet I felt it touch my ear. So, I hope it's Kamala. And listen, podcast listeners,

I think it will be.. And listen, podcast listeners. I think it will be. You think? Yes. It sounds like it could be days away from a spin. You're kidding. Stop. Oh, my God, I'm getting chills. Today, Biden said, I'm back on the trail next week.

Of course. I want the listeners to know something. If it is Kamala, Russell and I are going to be a little more, a little cringy. We're not going to be fully cringy. We're going to criticize. But we're going to be better behaved. If you see us being a little more like, guys, go blue.

Go blue. Yeah. I want you to know that the second she loses to Trump, we're going right back to just shitting all over the Democratic Party for the rest of our lives. Where can people find you? You can find me online. You can find me at Hey Jared Hey.

I have a podcast. It's called Sorry What? Check it out. Everywhere. YouTube. Spotify. Apple Podcasts. Patreon.

My house. Come over. See me. And then other than Trump rallies, where can people find you russell oh just on instagram at russell day daniels and uh for me i'm everywhere at jamarcus um we'll have links to everything uh below including that picture of jared on his instagram sick uh uh oh my god uh i'm gonna be toronto we we added a sick show maybe we had a seventh or including that picture of Jared on his Instagram. Sick. Oh, my God. I'm going to be Toronto.

We added a sick show. Maybe we'll add a seventh or eighth. Now, I'm in Toronto August, let's say September 5th through September 8th. Let's be optimistic. Oh, wait, can I say where I am? Yeah, you can say where you are. If it's August 20th?

Yeah. All right, cut out the dead air as I pull it up. Nope. I'll keep saying more. September 12th, 13th, and 14th, I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin. Appleton? One of the first places I ever headlined

was the Skyline Comedy Club. And they're having me back. So check that out. And then Burlington, Vermont, the weekend after that. What do you got? Okay, now it's Jared again. 9-11, I'm in Portland.

10-16, I'm in Austin at Cap City. 11-19, I'm in Philly. 11-20. I'm in Raleigh. Raleigh? Raleigh. North Carolina. Come see me. Alright. And I always say to myself, I will have something more interesting to say

at the end of the show as a fun... Oh, join the Patreon! Yeah. Patreon.com slash Downside downside didn't bring it up we get a bunch of you're gonna get a bunch of stuff from the the tour that russell and i did uh the sold out tour we're recording we're recording two songs uh because we hit the 500 uh patron mark not all of our paid patrons but they're in it and it's fine it's amazing congrats thank you 500 a lot listen i oh my god it worth it. It wasn't worth it a single second. Oh, as the final thing, tell them, this will be dated, but not really.

Tell them what happened when Trump picked his vice presidential nominee. Wait, what? When Trump picked his. Oh, my God. I had that day when he picked J.D. Vance, I had three different people text me saying that I look like JD Vance. And then learn an impression. And then, well,

I'm working on something, but then I went, I went on, on Twitter and it was C of people talking about how ugly JD Vance is. And it was a real, like, it was like, I saw all three texts at the same time and immediately went vances and it was a real like it was like i saw all three texts at the same time and immediately went to twitter and it was all this ugly person this is the ugliest person

and it really like um it made it it was a night you know my jd vance tweets actually used a picture of you you know and i texted you before i even saw your tweets about how ugly he was and then i saw your specific ones. And that was like, wow. Okay. That was more painful reading your ugly things about him. You're my little cabbage patch adult. This is the downside.

You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi. What's up?