The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #230 This is Not Fappening with Tommy Bayer

Episode Date: September 10, 2024

Comedian Tommy Bayer joins to share the downsides of the Michelin star system, the dangers of flying Norse Atlantic Airways, what animated characters are probably hangin’ dong, and why Gianmarco is not getting hit on. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon free for 7 days for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Tommy on Instagram, TikTok, & Twitter Listen to Tommy's podcast, We Cool: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/we-cool/id1500612315 Follow The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi on Instagram Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Technical production by Chris Mueller Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Shop at Sephora today. Limitations apply. Must be a beauty insider. See terms at sephora.com for complete details. Welcome to The Downside. My name is DeMarcus Araizi. I'm here with Russell Daniels. Yeah, that's how you know it's getting real today on the pod. Bud number one. We are joined today. Last minute fill in. Yeah. You were on the list just so you know, you're on the list. You messaged me months ago and I'm excited to have you.

Um, but there was a brief moment where I was like, Oh, maybe I don't have anything today. Yeah. And I got excited, but this is exciting too. Yeah. So I, I, we'll talk about you in a second, Tommy, but I, I had my show last night, The Silver Lining, first one back since Australia. So. You're so dramatic. Tommy's very, very, you're very, you're a complimentative person.

Yeah. I told Tova, I said, cause you, you would, you know. I've never met a straight man as dramatic as you in my entire life. And it's, and cause I'm a fan. Thank you. And I watched the clips and stuff like that. And I watched the clips and I go, I cannot believe he put his hand in his head like that. He's a drama queen.

Yeah. It's incredible. Here's how paranoid though. Cause I, Tommy's, have you ever seen Tommy's work? No. It's, it's very, I see you. I think it's the bear, but they're making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Oh, yes. Yes, I have that. It's my big one. But I consider you, to me, and it's also partly because you look like you're six, but like I consider you

like the younger. Like I consider you the younger. So I thought you were liking my things or you were putting like, you know, King, like ironically. No, dude.

That's what I told him. I said, I think it's, I think it's. No, it's not ironic. He's making fun of me. He's going like, it putting like, you know, King, like ironically. No, dude. That's what I told him. I said, I think it's, I think it's. No, it's not ironic. He's making fun of me. He's going like, it's like, it's like. No, it's nice when people say that. I shared a Matt Reif crowd work picture thing. And I was like, the goat is back.

And like, you know. It can go both ways. Sure. It's not ironic though. It's genuine. Yeah. Also, there's just, if you're online and we'll, but there's just layer of like where

irony becomes like genuine like my boys will come in with an outfit and i'll just be like that that's a slay man like it's just complete and it's that started from a place of like oh let's we'll talk like women and gay people and now me and my straight friends are like i'm like yes mama like you look fantastic i have a friend once that. So I don't know what the fuck that is. That's beautiful. You started homophobic and you came to learn that you're actually gay too. Yeah, exactly.

I had a friend once who thought when he was getting to know the Uncle Function guys. Our sketch team. Our sketch team. He thought we were like doing bits like when we were being nice and saying nice things. He's like, I've never seen a group of men like compliment each other like that and say nice things like that and not be a joke. But, uh,

uh, we are down bad as a, as a gender. We are in a brutal place. Yeah. I'll comment on your post. I'm just like, go off.

Yeah. Well people, it was last night. Great. I mean, this is coming out, this is coming out, uh,

uh, September 10th. Uh, is that nine? I mean, nine is coming out, this is coming out, uh, September 10th. Uh, is that nine? I mean, nine 11 tomorrow. Yeah. Is that,

it's no longer a thing anymore. No. Wow. It's celebrated. No, it's, but we're, we're like,

it doesn't, we had a big one. The other, we had like, uh, Oh, it's going to be, no,

I guess after 25, I think we're, what are going to be the big ones? Like, do you think, do you think, uh, the, the 911th, there'll be like, uh, like a bigger, like think we're done. What are going to be the big ones? Do you think the 911th?

There will be a bigger... That's a party. That's a documentary. No, the 911th. How it actually happened. I don't think there'll be a world to celebrate by then. Yeah, there will already be more 911s. Yeah.

And other dates to memorize. Because we're not talking about things that happened 911 years ago. Well, in 911 years, people are like, oh, remember 9-11? People are going to be like, no, but I know like 4-26. Yesterday. Never forget yesterday. When Elon Musk closed the Mars spaceship doors and we all died. God, he's still alive in 911 years, you think?

I think he's the first one to get it. He just started a podcast. His podcast just has taken off in 900 years. 9-11. Okay, your show. Yeah, I did a show last night. This woman wrote me and she said, I've talked to your agency about maybe doing a corporate gig,

but I'd love to bring the boss to your show. It says it's sold out could we get in and i go i go how corporate i don't know i don't know any detail i don't know i don't know but i whatever it is i need it right now yeah yeah yeah i need it right now and let's just say a corporate if they're talking to my agency and it's actually being entered it's just good money sure yeah some some grants on the table yeah and i go they're gonna come to silver lining this is like the only not the only place but this is the place where i'm working on anything yeah i'm working on anything so i feel about bad bar shows in brooklyn yeah yeah i need that right now i need that 15 bucks

i say okay and i think i go just you know it's like my new material night and she goes oh yeah yeah no i know i'll bring them and uh she gets there and you know says hi before the show and i know i'm in trouble because at you've been to sesh comedy club first thing she asked for she says are there any uh cups here and i go oh honey we're lucky there's a roof here yeah like cups you don't know what you're into right now yeah and i say again i say just you know just so you know uh if your boss is here like i'm gonna i talk a lot of things i can i i know how to do it clean yeah i know how to do it clean yeah but there's something in me that i was like i'm gonna i'm not gonna let this affect me i'm not gonna let this change what i came here to

do today yeah and i think it i made it today. And I think I made it worse. Show that to your bank account. The expectation. The thing of like, I'm not, you know what? Yeah, but not this place. You would have just done you, which would have been fine. Which would have been fine. And good is all, you know, and then,

but now you have a thing in your head. And so within the first minute I go to a new bit I'm working on where I talk about how this woman wrote me, said, your dad tried to go on a date with me. I looked him up. I found you. I didn't go on a date, but now I'm a fan of yours. And then I go. And then the bit is I feel bad.

My material is like, you know, cock blocking my dad. I want to. I want to. So I wrote some new material to help his dating life. Yeah. And it starts. I go, I get off the back. Oh, my dad's cock is so big.

Yeah. I get the audience. So how big is it? And I do it again and again. And I do like 10, my dad's cock is so big jokes. And I see this woman from the company in the corner of my eye as if I just dick slapped her in the middle of this. Like I said, bring your boss, please.

And then the owner of the club said, yeah, I think I saw them walk out. Uh, and I was like, I was like, when the beginning later they had to go early morning or was it by the fourth? My dad's cock is so big. Okay. Joke. What did she see online of yours that thought like you were ever going to be, you know what

I mean? You're not like Mr. Maybe it was bleeped. Maybe she said, I thought he'd say eggplant. Uh, cause they saw the tiktok and it's i don't know yeah it's her own fault also are you gonna open with that regardless where was your head at before i was who knows but i i think something in me was like i'm going and i went straight from that to israel palestine i something in me was just like

i mean and how ceo should be murdered on their front stoop. Listen, if I'm bringing my boss all the way to a comedy show, I would have done a little bit more. Like if they were actually offended, then that's her fault for not doing any research. Yeah. And maybe she wasn't. Maybe they just saw what they were doing. And also dial it back. You can dial it back. Yeah.

Maybe he's like, that's my guy right away. You need the gig. This is the downside. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi.

Only two of my dad's Cocker So Big jokes work. Oh, you did 10 though? Yeah. But like there's two that like, that hit the level. 10 for every inch? Yeah. Yeah.

And now I have to just like, go home and just like walk with a cigarette and be like, My dad's cock is so big. Mumbling. The one I loved, it doesn't work. My dad's cock is so big.

When I was born, the doctor said I had my dad's baby is so big when i was born the doctor said i had my dad's baby arms and i and you see it's it's too hard it's too it's too hard like my dad's cock yeah but it's such a thinker but it's oh it's so it's it's oh my head oh i'm using my brain doctor looking at a baby going like oh it's like your dad's cocks on both your shoulders. Like, there's nothing. I'm the baby. It's not a pedophile thing. I know, I know, I know.

Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to The Downside. If you're a fan of the show, join the Patreon, patreon.com slash downside. We're doing two Patreon episodes every month now in studio, me and Russell, sometimes a friend. And follow us on TikTok.

Follow us on TikTok at the downside pod. Why TikTok exclusively? Well, we're about to hit a threshold where we can monetize the videos and add collapse. Great. So disregard Russell's pushing back on the following on TikTok. No, no, no. He's been trying to sabotage this podcast for years. As a fan of the clips, I'm going like, he's taking this down.

So we're here with Tommy Bayer, who ironically likes my tweets. And you may know him from, there was a sketch that went very viral of the bear, where they're making PB&J sandwiches. I hate the bear. Let it go on the record. I don't like the bear. I was in an Uber once, though, and the driver said he was like a professional. He said, like, I was a sous chef.

And I said, oh, he brought up the bear. And I said, oh, you're with me? We're together? And I said to him, I said, so what does the bear and i said with you oh you're with me we're together and i said to him i said i said uh so what does the bear get like wrong about like cooking yeah many things and he goes nothing that's right it captures it said perfectly and i was like i don't think that's true like i've been to sandwich shops before and like good ones yeah and it wasn't that crazy do you know what what I mean? Like there must be some days where it's like,

okay, I hate the bear because I go like, what's your acting job? You go to set and they go, so this scene, you're chopping an onion,

but you're stressed. And so the actress, oh God, someone came into the restaurant and ordered the food that I'm making at the restaurant and I have to make the food up. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

It is. You're like every day. Someone came and ordered the food and I have to make it. It's like every day someone's telling them they have to do their job today and they were like we do yeah it really is like yeah man you have to do your job every day yeah but here as someone who has cooked and has worked in restaurants every day you forget how shitty your job is so it's kind of more just like oh my god my job sucks and that's what that's what it is. You know? Yeah. When you, okay, so you're an excellent chef, you told me.

I'm a good cook. Are you? My little brother's a really good chef. My little brother's a Michelin star chef. Oh, my God. In the city. Yeah, he's very good. Wow.

You guys should go to the restaurant. I'll take you out to his restaurant. Oh, my God. Family meal, Blue Hill. Oh, yeah. I know Blue Hill. Yeah. Does he go at any point?

Does he go enough comedy friends coming to the restaurant? I don't bring in anybody to, I bring in like a date or like a good friend. Oh shit. Does your date ever want to fuck your brother instead? No, I'm way cooler. Actually, he's cool. He's got tattoos and he's a piece of shit. He's like that.

He's like that type of chef. He is like Bear. Yeah. He is Bear. Last name Bear. Hey Bear. Yeah, I know. tattoos and he's a piece of shit he's like that he's like that he is like bear yeah he is yeah he is bear last name bear bear yeah i know uh i guess you already did the sketch i mean it was the peanut butter sketch but i like the waiter where you're like could i get a water and then here's what's here's what's so funny about the show and here's what the show gets wrong and that's what it gets right is that it's not that stressful. It is stressful, though.

But it's funny. Working in a kitchen is stressful. And it's funny because it's food. And it will get made. It will go out. Take it easy. That's what I tell my girlfriend every time I go to dinner. The first season of The Barrett, they're making Italian sandwiches.

You know how fucking – I've worked in a sandwich, but it's so fucking easy. Yeah. Like, just make more. Uh-huh. We're not running out. What's the most stressful,

was there any moment where you said, oh my God, I'm in the bear and you're yelling at someone, it's chef. Yes, chef. I've gotten into it

with a chef before when I was, when I got out of cooking and I was bartending. Because I worked with like an ego chef and he was really trying to go for a Michelin star. And I put a plastic container in the dish pit and had a sticker on it. And he's flipping out on me and I just go uh he's because he's yelling and i go you don't you don't talk to me like that yeah i go shut up really and he's freaking out more i go shut your mouth and he's like yeah and i and we're in the kitchen and i and it's because

if because he's up here so i'm going like shut the fuck up like shut up you said you said shut the fuck up yeah shut up but he's he's back a house yeah so he can't fire me you know yeah so then i so don't you think like so but he's all he's just freaking out because he's at uh you know he's just like he's just on the line and he's like he was like drunk oh oh you know and i'm just like i said i was like you're done and did he respond at all did he he was pissed because he uh he lets other people like other people let him bully them yeah and i was like no okay but that's the thing i'll kill you with chefs i'll fucking kill you dude i feel like there's this thing where they are uh kind of famously temperamental and dramatic like that.

And then I feel like the bear, I'm like, I feel like someone sees that. People see that. And then they're like, that's how I can behave. Like there is a thing where it reinforces that kind of behavior. And I hope that it gets pushed. I hope I've seen it get pushed back in kitchens. Like we're not doing that. That's like what we're not doing.

Oh, because it's so, that's so glorified. We're going to go like the opposite way. It's like, if you see like a very offensive comedy special, you're like, well, fuck,

I don't even want to do if the next show I do, I don't even want people to think that I'm going for that. You know what I mean? But like my little brother is really sweet. He's like really, uh, you just said he was a piece of shit. Yeah.

Like literally, but he's not, he never yells or he's not ego like that. He's like really... You just said he was a piece of shit. Yeah, because he's my little brother. But he never yells or he's not ego like that. He's a... Sometimes you gotta... Sometimes you need to yell. He'll get like a little like... Like you'll be cooking and someone... He'll go, why'd you do it like that?

Oh, honestly, I'd rather have a yell. He'll go like... And he goes, no, don't don't do it like that and that's why it's like my girlfriend's line she goes she goes just explain to me what your thought process was right so you want to be mad about 10 more things you want to see every way i was an idiot yeah yeah so he might do a little bit of that but he keep he's a goofball too he's really silly he's like me so uh talk to me about the michelin star like is it is it a corrupt bullshit system yeah do you know how it started no and i'm well this is kind

of like this is a big podcast i might be getting this wrong so it came from michelin tires magazine okay so it's so there's michelin tires and uh where they sell tires just car automobile bullshit tires and automobiles and stuff. And, um, you know, you get the Michelin magazine, uh, we pulled up the thing right here. Yeah. So you can kind of read it. Yeah. We're going to fact check you. Fact check me, fact check me. Uh, if I can remember, uh, so restaurants are a new, are like in America are, are kind of a new thing. Like in Paris, they've been in Paris forever, but like, uh, you talk to your parents, they didn't go out to eat that much.

Sure. And like my, my family's from Chicago. I, you talk to your parents, they didn't go out to eat that much. Sure. And like my, my family's from Chicago. I refuse to talk to my parents, but you tell me. Okay. But you're from, you're from East coast, your Jersey, uh, Maryland originally. Maryland. Okay. So not so much.

So if you're in New York, if you're from New York, this is, this doesn't go for you. But in the rest of the country, if in the sixties you would go out to eat like a once of every couple of months, your, your Your family made meatloaf and bullshit food. Sushi didn't exist. Sure. And no one got sushi until 1996, and that was on the coast. Yeah, I was part of that wave. That was Seattle.

And my parents didn't hear of sushi until 2007. You know what I mean? I don't think my parents have had sushi. Really? I don't think so. Let's go to Omakase with them. Like the housing crisis happened, and then like sushi happened that's like all in the same year and then like obama was elected like that's how like recent like food is in america so uh but basically like michelin magazine would rate restaurants uh like if you want it because it

was like a travel guide sure and and because it was the only one that would rate at that time it just became the first thing to rate the first platform to rate a restaurant and then it just now it's just i don't know now it's the restaurant rating but so so yeah to encourage drivers to take more trips yeah and buy because the highways because the highway it was the highway system in america was kind of built in like the early 1900s mid 50s like a lot of the highways were being constructed in the mid 50s

so so we want people to travel around America so we want people to go to Wisconsin Dells so now when they do it is it like

they'll come by I'm like a fucking idiot by the way I like don't that's so are we this is the safe space I'm not like a smart

I didn't go to college I'm not like a smart I didn't go to college I'm not like a smart you know what I mean so we've done some episodes where we talked a long time I said that Google Images was invented

because of the Janet Jackson nipple slip you did say that and it was in fact because of J-Lo's dress at the it's pretty fucking close that's close

I did a joke last night about it was a terrible joke but it was it was hinged on 9-11 being on a monday and someone in the audience said tuesday and i said what and i looked it up and i was like son of a famously famously it was a tuesday i thought it was a monday that's like one of the only things

i thought the terrorists picked a monday so they'd fuck up the whole week i was doing a set last night i've been doing this joke for like a week where i just go like how long do you guys think you you could go in a roundabout before a cop's just like, hey, you can't fucking do that anymore, you know? And, like, I just play in that area. And that usually gets a laugh where I'm just like, before a cop's just like, hey, you got to cut that out. And then one guy goes, four times. And I go, yeah, logic defeated my fun thought again.

Fuck you, man. Suck my dick. No one knows that, though. He goes four times. So now, though, when aelin star do they do they come once a year do you have to apply hey please come to my residence if i started a new restaurant michelin stars are getting like within like the last like because of anthony bourdain so i want to say like the last 10 years they've been like more uh cool and liberal like he was into it

anthony bourdain liked michelin stars well he started he started like a culture of uh like a taco truck really good and yeah sure but like was he in was he a michelin star uh right i don't think he was ever involved i mean i mean he was a restaurant chef yeah but he started like cool food he had his restaurant i'm not like a big bourdain head and also like i just know this from working in restaurant i don't you know who really didn't like bourdainhead. And also, like, I just know this from working in restaurants. I don't. You know who really didn't like Bourdain? Who? Himself. I loved Anthony Bourdain.

That's great, man. I read a great, there's a great book. You don't know if he didn't like, he could have like, he literally could have loved himself so much he hated everyone else. Do you know what I mean? Like being like, I got to get out of here. Is that what you do? I'm just saying like that is an option too.

Being like. There's this really great book. I have to plug this. I i'm never gonna plug a book in the show except for this it's called lemon yeah and it's like loosely it's very clearly about bourdain but it's basically like someone walks in and the chef that is clearly bourdain in this example yeah he it was auto erotic asphyxiation but they have to spin it so it's like it's about them spinning what happened to him as being a suicide because if it was autorotic association he's going to lose his legacy and there's managers and then there's someone who claims that they met bourdain that day but it was not true and and they become

like oh no it's just a very that sounds like the whole premise of the robin williams movie world's greatest dad oh yeah yeah he his son hangs himself accidentally from autorotic exorcism. Yeah. And the father's a teacher and the son's universally hated. No one liked him. Terrible. Yeah. Mean, pervert, terrible to his dad.

And the father, to help his legacy, writes a fake diary and gets it published. And it's from this depressed teenager. And the diary's famous. And then you see all the school sorry spoiler all the school all of a sudden change all their narratives on who this kid was and they're like he was amazing he was so great and it's all bullshit i hear the quote a man grows six feet in his grave and i love that phrase yeah yeah um that'd be that'd be sorry a lot of spoilers for both that book and movie yeah really disaster um i'm gonna plug a book here's what happened and i'm gonna plug a movie really quick and here's

basically what happened but podcast is now about yeah at this point like within the cooking world i know you're not directly in it but your brother is like is it respected internally or is it like oh who got a michelin star are you fucking fucking kidding? Yeah, of course, dude. That's the crowd work restaurant. It's bullshit. That's the TikTok restaurant or whatever. Of course. Well, yeah. And also it's like, you know, like identity optics play into it.

You know, it's like this new chef is an immigrant and she came from nothing from like fucking give her the star. You know, it's entertainment. It's like the same reason why you'd give someone a special. want to give someone a star it's mostly about money um and then they're like kind of like they do the thing like yeah we gave a taco truck um a star we're kind of we're kind of open mind you know we're kind of open mind and oh did michelin star just get tattoos and smoke weed yeah you know or is that our is that our now? You know? So how many stars does your brother's restaurant have? I think two. And what's the max? Three,

three, three. Yeah. And so is that considered two is like, there's a rate. If you, or is your brother like, son of a bitch,

just two. No, I think he's stoked. Two is very good. There's a, he's really stoked. Yeah. It's like a,

yeah, it's a good thing. There's a, there was a little phrase up there that said, why? What makes two? What makes three? But is that up there?

Can we pull that up? Um, uh, what makes two is I've, I don't know if I've ever, I honestly don't, I've never really have thought about it. I'm sure I've been to some,

not three stars. I feel like I've seen that. Also, they're really hard. Once you have one, then to like, I mean, I don't go to them. I go to my brother. I don't mean, yeah. Oh, they're really hard once you have one, then to like, I mean, I don't go to them.

I go to my brother. I don't mean, yeah. Oh, they're hard to maintain. You can lose. And they could come anytime. They could just sneak in there.

Yeah. No, but I mean like, I mean like even if they technically still have it, you're like, there's sometimes like, you're like, Oh,

this one, a Michelin two, three years ago. And you go and it's like, you know, when you see a Zagat rating and it's like Zagat best, best restaurant, 1996,

1997. And then like at 2014, it just like, Zagat, best restaurant, 1996, 1997, and then like at 2014 it just stops. And you go, uh-oh, what changed in 2014? And also, I've been eating eggs

for seven days straight. So, like, like, Now, if they gave that one star, that would be cool. They said,

we stopped by Tommy Bayer's house and just put some eggs in a pan. You want to know what I ate today for real? Tell me. Three hard-boiled eggs and I cooked them in the hot water on an espresso machine at the bar so i got the hot water that comes out of the espresso machine and i put three eggs in a metal container and then i put the spicy margarita salt on them oh that's what i that's not that bad no

it's not bad but that's like it's not great but but that's like. It's not great. But we're like, oh, Michelin. And I'm like, I ate like bad eggs. So you're a great cook, but you don't always. I cook at home. What's a fan? If you're having a lady over. I'll roll pasta. Pasta.

Pasta if you're having a lady over. You're making the pasta? Oh, yeah. You make it a pasta. I make pasta. You make pasta? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Making the pasta. You got the machine. You got the machine? Yeah. I do raviolis because I don't have the machine. I make pasta. I make my own pasta. You make pasta? Yeah. Oh, my God. Make it a pasta. You got a machine. You got the machine? Yeah. I do raviolis because I don't have the machine. Oh, okay, okay. You got the machine.

So I'll do like a, I'll like roast mushrooms and do like a pesto ricotta mushroom paste. Do, when a woman has it, do you feel like they fall in love with you? I think it's a good, if you have a, if the date's going to be in the apartment, you can, pasta takes a long time. Yeah. You know, it's like two, it's two hours,

you know, so you can hang out and have a glass of wine and you're cranky. Yeah. I was really, my girlfriend, she's a picky eater

and she can't, she can't hide it. And I, I remember I used to cook occasionally. Yeah. I mean, not good, but I remember I made her a meal once

and I put too much soy sauce on it. And she couldn't just eat it. Too much soy sauce. That is like a very, like that's hard to get around. Sure, yeah. Salty. But there was something.

I was like, it really hurts. It hurt her physically, I'm sure. Oh, God. You're like, I burnt everything. She just could not eat charcoal. And it's like... When were you cooking at a restaurant? In New York?

In Minneapolis? I cooked with my little brother for a little bit. Not in his... We were at a different location. And then I worked at basically a deli in minneapolis so sandwiches just line cook but when you were cooking did you did you feel i was a bodega guy basically yeah yeah but when you're doing it and you're like doing it at a higher level with your brother is it the same feeling of like i'm making something it was a creative did you feel proud of yourself a lot of so a lot of michelin stars i've worked with

cooks who worked at michelin stars and they're shit cooks they're basically just like factory line workers like they're just fast as fuck on a salad station but they're like they don't have any like they don't like you know they think they don't but they don't they don't really know you know they do bullshit all the time in the kitchen but what does your brother have that you don't fucking a palette my palette's trash really really no it's good but it's not like i know what a good palette is and i know i don't have one and and people and i have a better palette than most but you like yeah i can't but he's not he's not tasting every single thing that he's making he just knows from experience i've tried registered. Ooh, this needs this then and that then.

I know some stuff about wine. You ever hang out with people who know wine? Yes. Oh, my stepfather. My father-in-law knows it. It's crazy. That's my stepfather. I know wine, and I can bullshit my way,

because I have been waiting tables forever. I can bullshit my way through what an orange wine is and what you're going to taste. You can identify the color that the wine is in. Yeah. I can go, I'm getting grapes. Interesting.

But like, you hang around people who like, no, no. And it's like, okay, that's a different thing. That's kind of what separates.

I can only tell like, if it's like, like you're like, oh, that's like a good, I can only tell if it's bad. Basically. I can't,

if you give me a wine that you're like this and it's like, tastes really bad, bad, that's like a good. I can only tell if it's bad, basically. If you give me a wine that you're like this and it tastes really bad, you're like, bad. That's bad. For years, this is bad. But I couldn't differentiate the levels of good to great. For years in Harlem, I was living and I had wine and I would have some women over. I'd pour them a glass of wine in a coffee cup.

Yeah, you would. And then one day I was talking to, I think my sister, and I said, yeah no i uh i get i get most of my wine from cvs and she was and she said she said they don't sell wine at cvs i was like what have i been buying in all these wine bottles yeah and she's like by the register and it's wine product which is uh similar to manischewitz which is just like sugary how old were you when you were doing this i I mean, up to 25, 26. 100%. Yeah, that's crazy.

And let me tell you, sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's a good sugary drink. You're just like Welch's grape juice. Pretty much. Beautiful lady. Out of a coffee cup. Would you like a little Welch's liqueur grape juice? You know what?

It tasted fine. It tasted fine. I bet you didn't. No, it didn't. If you'd had it now, you would be like... I don't know if you would. I know that I like Malbec. That's about it. I'll drink anything. I'll be happy.

That's interesting. I go to bars. I get a beer and a shot. I'm a booze bag. I don't know if this is good, regular, fine. It's great. It's Jim Gaffigan's, right? Yeah, it's good. It's already sold out. He doesn't need our help. But I'm saying like

to me, it's He's going to sell more. It's great and I'm a comedian who's available. And it's a great whiskey and I can do clean. Listen, we've already, when Jim Gaffigan saw me at a party once. Oh yeah.

And we only know each other through Twitter really and we talked twice and he grabbed my shoulders and said the anti-Zionist and then he left and I was like I don't know I don't know what that was I don't know what that was how does it feel as a Jew

for a big Midwest Scandinavian man to grab you and say anti-zionist i mean you know it that's gotta be a pretty crazy it really changed my view of watching the pop tarts movie i think it really kind of i started from a negative space no i don't give a shit yeah i don't give a shit it was so interesting i got oh so i did this fish festival yeah and. And normally my shows mostly are for people who share my political views to a degree. Even if there are Zionists in the audience, they'll probably joke about it a little. Well, you do a good job of it because a lot of your fans are theater.

How did you two meet, by the way? We did a terrible theater piece. Yeah, we did an off-Broadway show. Called That Bachelorette Show. Nice. Yeah. And then did comedy from there. Oh, I think I've seen that.

They're theater-y. No, you didn't. No, I don't think I've seen a play. You were maybe in middle school when we were doing that. The theater is not always as... Theater might be Democrat, but it's not left-leaning per se. No, it's... I think the most frustrating was when they did like a lame is song and it was

just like, you know, to raise money for Israel, they were singing lame is. And I'm like, I'm like, buddy, what do you think lame is, is about? Yeah. What do you, what side do you think this reflects? You, you push, you push your audience. I appreciate that. Which is really good. You do a fish.

Guess what? They don't want to be pushed. Cause you have nice libs, sweet libs to be pushed. Because you have nice libs. Sweet libs. I know. I know. Sweet libs. Sweet theater libs.

Beautiful libs. The most beautiful libs. Do you have a Trump in there? You got a Trump impression? I don't think I have a Trump impression. I did it one time years ago, and it didn't work in my favor. I didn't feel good about it. You just launched into it. You don't have to talk about it.

I tried it once. I was on vacation. So I did it this time. I was on vacation. So I got so I did it. I was on vacation. I was on the beach. I got to China. I was so happy. I thought, maybe I'm a Trump guy.

Maybe I do Trump. Every once in a while, I just go, China. No. The other day, I was alone. I think we have evolved where I think white guys are allowed to do Obama impressions. I've been doing Obama. At least Matt Friend's doing it. He's doing it.

And I can't do it, but I could do it a lot better than I could some other impressions in my life. I got the... Jean-Marc? Jean-Marc? Yeah. Wow. Parvin's great. Great Parvin. Good great podcast we have to have

shut up I'm telling you a different thing about impressions we have to have Douglas do his Bill Clinton he said he wrote a sketch it was a good sketch it was when we thought Hillary Clinton was going to win the idea was Bill Clinton was the first gentleman

and all the questions, people just wanted to talk to him. And when we thought Hillary was going to win. And Bill, he was like, I can do Bill. He goes, I did not have sex. I did not have sex.

I did not have sex with that movie. And we were like, what are you doing? He was really trying to do it. I did not have shakes. I did not have shakes. And we were like, what are you doing? He was really trying to do it. So I did not have shakes. He's just like, did I do that? And you're like, no, different guy. Okay, this joke didn't work. Tell me if this joke makes sense.

It was the idea. You know how sometimes pizza delivery and they deliver it. I don't know if they still do this, but when I was a kid, if it took too long and the pizza was cold, you could be like, hey, the pizza was cold and you'd get a refund or a discount off the next pizza or whatever. And I was like,

do you think Jeffrey Epstein was ever like delivering girls to Bill Clinton? And when they got there, he was like, this one's already over 18. Oh my God. There's something there. It's a,

yeah, the idea that she's like 17 and 11 months, like it takes her a month to get over there. And she ages. I think you're asking a lot of the audience to really guffaw at it. You know what I mean? It's upsetting.

I did that for the corporate people last night. They don't want to laugh at Bill Clinton being a pedophile. So then you're asking them to really think about it more. Yeah, they're like, I was applauding Bill Clinton chasing the balloons last time I forgot about that oh my god yeah

remember Hillary she did that thing yeah do you remember that Bill Clinton well what do you mean it was during the 2016 2016? Jesus Christ where there was a bunch of balloons and Bill was playing with the balloons and everyone was like, oh, that's so cute.

Yeah, I remember that. He's so cute. Yeah. I was 19. Okay. Okay. Russell, you just turned 38? Shut the fuck up.

So your father. Yes. No, you know what I want to, I heard you talk about it uh can you just tell us about because i listened to another podcast you went to europe recently yeah can you tell us about uh getting on that plane for europe oh oh yeah oh the oh to london yeah oh yeah dude oh my god can you tell us all right so this is like the most insane thing that's like happened to me i don't know so you know what happens yeah but i i'm gonna before but i i can do this thing where i because this is what i went to college for where i will go

oh my god and then what happened has anything you travel a lot you're you're a successful comedian insane story and all your feelings about it are completely valid. Has anything like that ever happened to you? No. And you are in the airport once a week maybe. Absolutely. Oh, multiple weeks. Multiple.

Yeah. So, okay. So I go to Europe this summer for two months is what I did. I took off work because, you know, I work because I've never been out of the country. He's been eating boiled eggs every day. He's got to get out of here. I've just been working since I was 14 and then I started stand-up

around when I was 19 or 20. I just did the road a ton when I was a kid. I was like, dude, go to Italy. You psycho. Have a holiday. Have a holiday. This guy gets it. This guy. Listen, I'm on holiday all the time.

He's in New Orleans in his head right now. You like New Orleans? I do love New Orleans. I've never been. Oh, you got to go. I want to go so bad. Yeah. Okay.

I just want to get just, I just want to party in New Orleans for like three days. I'm going for a full week for Mardi Gras. I'll see you there. Next year. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think Tova and I are going to go. Great.

All right. If it's not a... I'm inviting week for Mardi Gras. I'll see you there. Next year. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think Tova and I are going to go. Great. All right. If it's not a... I'm inviting everyone. Mardi Gras. Anyone that hears this podcast right now, you're invited. Yeah. Come find me, Mardi Gras. We're going to link up.

It's going to be great. You and Bodhi hanging out in New Orleans. Mardi Gras 2025. Can't wait. So stoked. Yeah. So, you know, it's a midnight flight uh to to london i'm nervous i've never been out of the country you know so it's a bit it's big it's a big thing

for me yeah uh yeah i go out to dinner with this girl i'm seeing it's great i i leave so i leave my sunglasses at the i spend like 100 bucks on like some nice sunglasses so i don't so i leave them at the table you know so so we're on the train and i'm like oh shit we got to go back go back get the sunglasses okay now i'm kind of running a little bit behind uh you know and it's like oh and okay now i'm actually kind of running on time because i uh you know i wanted to get there early 20 minutes out of the way okay so now i'm now i'm on time yeah and i i want to be there you know uh have you ever heard of a fucking atlanta what did i fly uh norse airlines no that's the thing no one's ever heard of this i thought so my mom so i i get this like 200 ticket to london and i'm

like oh my god and people are like are like, what are you flying? And I go, I've never been out of the country. So I go, Norse Airlines. And everyone goes, that doesn't exist. And I go, fuck. But you got it off like a Travelocity. Huh? Like what website did you get it off of?

Online? But like you didn't just Google like flight. You didn't go to Norse. You went to like a travel website. Yeah, yeah. So it felt legit. It didn't feel like you like you went to like a travel website. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it felt legit. It didn't feel like you like Google.

No. Yeah. And you said, no, it felt legit. I put my credit card into the website and everything. I mean, it was,

that's all it takes. I mean, it was the real deal, man. I mean, I put my credit card in name and my social security. No, no.

I called the Norwegian man directly and gave him my, all my information. I said, my mother's made a name. I gave it all. Yeah. And I called the Norwegian man directly and gave him all my information. Oh, yeah. I sent my mother's maiden name. I gave it all. Yeah, and I sent the dick pic, and they said, now you're good to go. And I'm like, I'm ready to get taken in London. That's another thing. People are like, don't get kidnapped.

People are telling me not to get kidnapped, and I'm like, I'm a 28-year-old man. Yeah. I'm past this, you know? Can you fight? I mean, as I said, youold man. Yeah. I'm past this, you know? Can you fight? I mean, you're, as I said, you look young. Yeah, yeah. So I could see someone going like- I'm six feet tall, and I can't fight, but I have been in fights, and I've lost them all.

How did you lose? Like the ref said- You get punched in the face enough, and then you just go down, man. What does it feel like in punching? We've never been punched in the face. Yeah, your legs just go out. It feels like your knees buckle, and you just go down man what does it feel like in punching that we've never been punched in the yeah your legs just go out it feels like your but your knees buckle and you're late you just don't have a ton yeah oh

my god what did you do god can you guys stop being I've done I've done fake punches I've done these I've done Ivan I've done never I've choked like this. Hey, you guys are supposed to laugh. Yeah. Oh my God. Well, no, it really is getting, getting punched. That's, that's crazy. I can't imagine.

Luckily, I wish I had, so I could know. I like how we're all just like, and I mean, here's the thing about getting punched. Not good. Yeah. For my size, no matter how you square it. I think it's my size, too. People, I think, would back down. If people knew how quickly I would go down. And I'm an actor, so I can fake scare them.

Not that I have, really. Wait, can I see, kind of like, tell me to back. Shut up. Can you go there? I mean, I could, but... Okay, I'll do it if you do it first. Yeah. You're like...

It's hard. You're kind of built. You're kind of buff, low-key. It's tough. It's embarrassing to get that bad. You look strong as hell, and you look athletic. I mean, I played football.

I have hit people, but I've never gotten in a physical fight. But he's saying verbal. Like, verbal, I think I can. You have to really... Oh, you're... You have to really verbal. Like, verbal, I think I can. You have to really wrong. Like, I have to feel like I'm in the clear. Like, I will not initiate a fight. Go like, hey, buddy, fuck off.

I don't think it'd be scary there, but I would yell. Yeah. All right, let's try it. Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, acting exercise. Come on. But, like, give me... All right, so you're... Play my girlfriend. Okay. Oh, my God. You're going to yell at the girlfriend. Play my girlfriend. Oh my god, you're going to yell at me.

Play my girlfriend and tell me I didn't do the dishes tonight. I've been dying. I've been dying to get in this place. I've been dying to get this out. Throw us me a crock. This is also how I talk when I'm not on the podcast. I'm one of these guys. This is going to be humiliating.

Say something shitty to me. Hey. We're talking at a bar. I'm talking to my friend Russell at a bar and you say something. So say me sweet. Hey buddy.

Your girlfriend's fucking hot. Oh my god. And I'm going to just I would love to fucking kiss her hot oh my god and i'm gonna just you know i would love to fucking kiss oh my god straight up on the fucking forehead back the fuck off that's all you're gonna say well i just start now i kind of want to fucking hit on you now i guess we're fucking now it's like hey i'll fuck hey I'll fuck the both of you I don't care I'll take you both home

Bisexual guy Hey Back off Hey You look pretty good too pal Maybe I'll take you home What do you think about that When I yell I'd go Hey back the Oh my God. What do you think about that? When I yell,

I'd go, hey, back the fuck off. Like I would do that. Like, you know what I mean? Oh my God. Like that's,

but that's. I've seen you yell like that. Yeah. Do you know what I do? When have you seen me yell like that? I've seen, not that volume, but I've seen you get mad for sure.

Yeah. I've never seen you get that mad except in a sketch. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I let it come out. That's fun. Yeah. I'll get like, I'll start like swearing incoherently. I'll never seen you get that mad except in a sketch. Yeah. Yeah. That's why that's fun. Yeah. I'll get like a, I'll start like swearing incoherently.

I'll get, I'll be like, get your fucking crap and shit. Like out of my shit. I go to cunt. I go, you fucking cunt. Oh,

it's always when they're like away. It's not even in my Rolodex. It's like not even really. I don't even have it. Like it upsets me how quick cunt go is where i yeah really yeah because it's there's something beautiful that word is like it's tough it's a tough but in australia uh when i said bitch that felt like it when they were like whoa and cunt was also fuck if you just say fuck in Germany when I was doing shows, it's like, it's jarring.

Really? And I, for the show I did, it seemed like I was being edgy and I'm like not an edgy comic, but I say, because I'm a fucking idiot. So I don't have a good vocabulary. So I'll say fuck a lot. And people are like, hey, easy.

But then they're saying cunt all the time. And I'm like, you guys have a- Yeah, they love cunt. They say it all the time. I say cunt less here. I say cunt less in America. They saying cunt all the time. And I'm like, you guys have a- They love cunt. They say it all the time. I say cunt less here. I say cunt less in America. They are cunt over there. They serve.

They serve. Yeah. I think the worst for me still, we talked about it. I think the worst, if I said whore, if I said whore like with a real intention, because that's kind of like I had to reach deep in it. Yeah. Calling your buddy a whore is like really funny. Yeah. You know? like with a real intention yeah because that's kind of like i had to reach deep yeah yeah calling your buddy a whore is like really funny yeah you know none of my buddies are a whorish enough to

call a whore they're all in like very monogamous relationships like i'll talk to my friend about like what he made for dinner last night i'm just like you fucking whore dude it sounds delicious okay so so you got your ticket so i get my ticket So Norse Airlines, no one's ever heard of this. My mom's like, that doesn't exist. And I'm like, well, it does. And you can't check in online, which is also because I'm, yeah, yeah. There's some red flags. That's not enough.

There's some airlines where they're like, you got to check in at the desk. True, true, true, true. But I think it's the combo of Norse air when no one's heard of it right you know like so so uh so i'm i can't take the train anymore so i call a lift and i'm at my apartment and i you know call lift to jfk and uh the guy starts taking a different route and they send you that notification on your phone like your driver's going a different route so i go uh hey man you're going a different route and you know i'm not gonna do the accent but he's just like oh my friend he's like don't do it so what is what did he say and he's like oh i've been driving for a billion years i know everything and i go okay fine you genius and uh because it says

it's like hey it's good you're gonna be fit 20 minutes late and i go it says i'm gonna be 20 minutes late and he's like he's he's like you dumb you dumb white bitch and that's what he said and then he's like i know i'm a i'm a i drive you fucking whore you fucking whore i know exactly so why don't you shut your pretty little mouth up is what he said to me so i said you okay god bless man so then we get to the airport and he goes my friend i'm sorry you were you were right and we're 20 minutes late and i go i know man i know because guess what the computer in the sky is right and you could see the whole time he's like i didn't know he's like i didn't know the highway would be closed and i go you know what did the thousand satellites watching our every move in the porn i watch i don't understand the the resistance of

that's the thing where people are always like can you believe uber uh like kicked the new york cab drivers blah blah blah and i'm like well every time i've taken a new york cab it's like they refuse to use gps sometimes and like sure it's just this thing i've been into a cab i've i've hailed a cab like six times i've've been in New York for only four years. And one time a guy went down a one-way for a little bit so he could take the next turn. And I was like, go. But that's how it used to be. I feel like there's parts of Europe where to be a cab driver, you know it.

And now it's like getting cabs now and they go, so what way do you want to take it? I know. But also if you're driving in like Lisbon or Italy, there's streets that don't exist on Google Maps. It's just like an alleyway and it's a woman's alley and she owns it and you drive through her living room. You can squeeze through this living room. Yeah, you drive through a living room because you can't legally put a woman's living room

on Google Maps. But a cab driver's like, I know you got to go through this bathroom. She's at work from four to five. Yeah, exactly. So you're 20 minutes late. 20 minutes late. So now I'm late.

I'm at the airport and I'm late. It is 11. For your first international flight ever. For my first international flight, baby. Flight's boarding at 12. It's 11. It's 11.15. Oh, brother.

Were you going to check a bag? I didn't check a bag. I had a big backpack and I shoved it. Good for you traveling Europe with just a big backpack. I guess your clothes are smaller than mine. I have a bag hack too. It's kind of a piece of shit move, but I will get to that later. But you don't, whatever.

You don't check it. You just, you act like you show up late to the gate when you're boarding and you go, because I was flying a lot. I just couldn't afford the $75 bag check. Yeah. I just couldn't afford it. Yeah. So I would just be like, oh, so I just got here.

I didn't have the gate closed. I didn't have time to check my bag. And they'd just be like, like stupid American. I did that. We'll take it. I did that one time. On accident? No, on purpose.

Same thing. You just act and you say because i was coming back from yeah like a gig how did you act i just was like i go i go and also get mad at her i go i go i go oh i know i i don't know i i ran out of time and she goes you can't do that i go i know but i'm here and i i'm so sorry i will never do it again yeah and they're they're like well you can't and i was like i i'm and you just get on like you just like you just do it i shoplift i steal from the airport a lot i don't steal in my everyday life but i'll are you serious i steal at the airport at the airport well everybody does stressful that's

what kind of things are you stealing wait are you you guys are joking because we all do this right no we don't all do we don't steal i stole one time and I talked about it on this podcast. Wait, what do you do? You don't steal from the airport? Absolutely not. You're not snagging it. I'm not spitting. What?

What are you stealing? $18 turkey sandwiches. Oh, my God. That's how they got the jinx. That's how they got the jinx. They caught him stealing a sandwich. Really? Who's the jinx?

He murdered someone. Yeah. You got to be careful. God, well, I've been, yeah. I guess guess once you murder someone you're fine stealing a sandwich no but that's what caught him they found him uh how do you how are you doing it what's your technique okay well okay okay you go to you go to a spot where they have a bookstore attached to the where they sell sandwiches and water bottles. And you just, you want to get a tote.

I'm a tote guy. Uh-huh. And you just go, you take the sandwich, you put it in your damn tote, and then you go check out the books for a little bit. And you read and you peruse and you go,

oh, wow, Stephen King. Who the fuck is that? And then you walk, you walk the... You ever get nervous you got seen? Someone saw you? Of course, yeah. I just feel like at an airport i assume there's cameras everywhere what are they gonna do send me the airport jail maybe yeah i bet there's a prison there and you're in there

and you're there with fucking al-qaeda and they're like who's this yeah yeah and i go do you guys want to do my podcast sometime my god all God. All right. All right. Okay. At the airport. So everybody has to check their bags. Everybody has to check in for their flight to get their boarding pass. Okay. So this is Norse. Yeah, buddy. Yeah, I'm familiar.

Okay. Well, it's usually online. So I got to go get the physical boarding pass. And everybody's having problems at Norse Airlines at the gate. Everyone's having an issue. That doesn't sound like Norse air to me. Good old Norse air. That's not the Norse air I know. That's not the Norse air I know. That's having an issue. That doesn't sound like North Sarah to me. Good old North Sarah. That's not the North Sarah

I know. That's not the North Sarah I know. That's just not the North Sarah. You're tweeting at North Sarah and it has three followers. North Sarah's tweeting at you like,

can I come on the downsides? I need to promote my airlines. Everyone's having problems. It's making me nervous. By the time i get there it's 11 30 boarding at midnight okay and i get there and i get to the desk and um you know it's midnight the this is jfk it's like a this is like a you know 42 year old jamaican woman at the desk she looks tired as fuck i'm trying to be as nice as possible and uh she's like uh okay uh let me see your passport where you going london okay cool you know all right uh there's um it says here there's no uh there's no seats and uh i go okay

uh because i i didn't buy the 50 seats i you know i because they they say sign but i'm i'm on the app you know so know i because they they say well assign you a seat when you check in but i'm i'm on the app you know so i go well they said there's a there's a seat for 100 right up front i was like i'll just spend that fuck i'll just spend that money right now i need to get to i've chosen dublin yeah that day you know and uh um she's like yeah yeah okay but yeah i don't that's not coming up on my end. So I'm just going to have you step to the side. And I'm just like, oh. And also, I've never missed a flight.

I've never been late. I'm pretty punctual. I'm just like, I've never been. I'm like, okay, so it's happening to me. That's when something bad's happening. That's your first thought is like, okay, so I'm not different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the bad thing that your friends tell you about

that happened at airport, you're like, okay, so I'm also included in that. And you're like, okay, fine. And she's on the computer. She's on the phone. She's typing. They type so fast. Yeah, sure.

Those motherfuckers behind the airport desk. Yeah, they do type yeah what the hell are they i mean and they type so what if you're dating someone who works at an airport desk and they don't like text you back fast and you're like you you bitch like you i come on you know what i mean uh tapes she's typing so fast she's on the phone she's blah blah blah i'm i'm sweating and pissing and shitting myself and uh she goes okay uh sir can you come over here and she goes okay so um we overbooked the flight it's the first thing she says which is a thing that happens especially

post-covid yeah so i go okay so this thing that i hear about is happening she goes you don't have a seat we overbooked the flight. You can't get on. And I go, I feel my soul drop. I tried to do one special thing for myself and go to Europe and do comedy. And I go, okay, so this is not going to work out. And I'm just sad. I'm not mad. I don't get mad.

I never get mad at people or certain public i just don't that's where i do the thing i just did before hey buddy back the fuck off and get me on the fucking yeah yeah but you're just you're just broken well because i'm broken and also i just know it's not like she because i also know she's not like she's not like slanging tickets as a side hustle. Like, you know, it's just, I'm saying this. But what are they offering you? Huh?

What are they offering you? So I go, I go, okay. So she goes, you overbooked the flight. You can't go on. And I go, okay. So what are we going to, what are we going to do? You know? And she goes, so I can put you on another flight free of charge in three days

and this is i'm tired it's 11 30 it's 11 30 i'm tired and i my whole night lose my sunglasses and and the lift drive over here and i go and i've chosen i've chosen dublin for the next four days so i missed half my shows and also like like a bigger comedian helped me book those shows. It's just not a fun thing. I got some shows that it would probably be tough for just me to get. You know? Yeah. I just go, that's, my face is like beet red.

And I'm just like, that's just not, it's just not going to work. And she goes, no, I'm just kidding that's just not going to work and she goes no I'm just kidding here's your boarding pass and passport have a safe flight wait she's doing this whole bit you gotta get their security what is this bit

so she goes so she goes no I'm just kidding here's your boarding pass and passport have a safe flight and I go what and she starts laughing she's like yeah I got you now I'm just kidding. Here's your boarding pass and passport. Have a safe flight. And I go, what? And she starts laughing. She's like, yeah, I got you. And I go, I go, I go,

because I start laughing too. Because of shock. You know, it's like laughing like the Joker. It's like when your wife almost gets hit by a car and you're like, oh, it's like that. And she's like, and I go, the first thing I say, I go, I go, is that allowed? And she's like, you got to go. You're running late. You got to go.

And I go, huh? Imagine this giant line of people. She's doing this bit with everyone. Dog, dog. I haven't even been through TSA. I haven't gotten to TSA yet. I haven't even done security yet. Oh, my God.

And she's like, you got to go. Yeah. And then you get to TSA, and they're like, we got to do a strip search. Yeah. They open up your asshole. Just kidding. You got to go. You got to go.

You're late, pal. You got to get on that plane. Cut it out. Buddy, you're late! And someone on the plane's like, I'm hijacking this plane. I'm just kidding! You fucking idiot!

We gotta go! Don't you know what a joke is, you fucking moron? I'm kidding! I'm just doing terrorism, you stupid asshole! The pilot's like, we're crashing the plane!

We're crashing! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, look at you! I got you! Look at your face, you fucking piece of shit. I've never seen anyone as dumb as you. Oh, my God. And I don't even, you know, I don't even know if it happened.

Yeah, yeah. I'm like, since then, that happened June 2nd. Since then, I've been like, yeah, like once every four days, I'll be like, oh, wow. So here's the question. When did the prank start? Yeah. Because I told you multiple things. So she had me aside for six, seven minutes.

She's typing to her friends like, oh, my God, I got this guy right now I'm about to get this Fucking stupid Can you imagine if you missed it By six or seven minutes And then you come back and she'd be like oh that sucks So here's the thing also why me

What about me What about what I was wearing And my disposition and I was already nervous Where she's like I'm gonna this fucker doesn't travel. Just kidding. And I'm going to fuck with him. I mean, on some level, I appreciate she's keeping her work. Yeah.

Sure. I mean, that's like, that's like the old, that's like right below a doctor being like coming out to the family, dad's in heart surgery. Like, I'm sorry to say. Yeah. You got to live with this knucklehead a little while longer. Like it's, it's so you can't. It's like, it's, it's the Simpsons doctor,

doctor always doing the bit before it's Ricky Gervais on Louie going like, Oh, it's like, why are we doing this? This is a serious situation, you know? It's yeah. And, uh, uh, so my whole thing that i think about is like was there no seats from the beginning and she found seats and was like i'm gonna stretch this i guess so that's my guess i guess my guess that was overbooked she did have to figure it out she figured it out and right in that moment she said let me fuck with this guy for a second for one

second why why would it be overbooked if there's just a seat what do you mean there's no seats they should just come up i don't know what happens at those airports, though. You know what I mean? Like, they have, like, people waiting. Yeah. Maybe someone canceled, you know. Yeah, or it was overbooked, or they found out, like, oh, they gave it to someone. Yeah.

You know in, like, Minority Report when Tom Cruise is like, and he's, like, bringing things closer in? That's, like, what they're doing to just, because you don't, you shouldn't know what's going on. Or someone was in the line next to you getting pranked and their years just went through quicker than theirs you know what i mean like have you ever done when you check in they i've had a couple times where they go like would you give up your seat for xyz yeah yeah and i would i one day i hope it's like for ten thousand dollars i know yeah i got a buddy one time it's always like shitty i got a i got a buddy one time. It's always like shitty. I got a buddy and he's like a bartender, gambler, and like stock guy. And he's like, he's awesome. But we just wanted those guys.

And he gets on an overbooked flight. They're offering, you know, money to give back. You know, like, okay, we need five people who can't be on the flight. And we're all going to pay you, you know money to give back you know like okay we need five people who can't be on the flight and we're all gonna pay you uh you know so say the flight's 300 bucks we're gonna give you 380 dollars you know and people go oh great great and then he goes wait hold it out he gets four other people he goes hold wait it out and they go what he goes they're gonna up it and then he gets four of people and they go 30 minutes go by and they go okay five hundred He goes, they're going to up it. And then he gets four other people. And they go, 30 minutes go by. And they go, OK, $500.

And he goes, wait it out a little bit more. And he gets them to go to like $800. He's like, $800. He's like, buy right now. And he gets him and like four other guys like $800. Yeah, that's fucking sick. Isn't that fucking sick? Yeah.

He tells me that. He's taking me out for drinks. He's like, you're not going to believe how I got this money. And I was like, you're such a fucking G. Like, that's awesome if i said hold it i'll hold it out and then he goes and goes like i'll take it right now please let me have this money please yeah he's like don't he's like don't sell i'm like hold the line i'm not i don't have that no he's very you have to be calm he's calm he's very charismatic he's like one of the best like pool players that i know. We play pool together. Yeah.

And he's like, I'm good, but he's like really good. You know? Because he's just like, just is one of those guys. Yeah. You were a skater boy? Mm-hmm. Good? And basketball.

Which were you better at, basketball or skating? Ball. I was better at basketball. I played high school. Really? It's so funny. I know that six feet is tall and I don't mean this.

I just as a 6'4 person, I don't see you as tall. Sure, yeah. Everyone's short or my height. Yeah. Yeah. But what position? I'd be looking at a guy

who's 5'8". I'd pick him up if he needs something. Yeah. You know, I'm like, oh, buddy, you need to get up there?

You know. What position? Point guard. I was short for about six. Did you ever play ball? You played football. I played football. I played freshman basketball.

It was not a good fit. I wasn't great. I told you the story about when i rolled my ankle in a game i don't think so kid called me patrick killing this little this little pipsqueak well no no this little pipsqueak ran i was set yeah he ran into me and he just fell over like i was planted you know and but like the crowd it was like one way game the crowd was like they they thought I like threw him to the ground. Like they were like, they were mad.

They were like, they were like yelling about me. Did you hit your growth spurt early? Man. Oh, I was big. Yeah. But, uh, but so they're mad, they're mad. They're yelling about this. And, um, the kid runs into me kind of like leaves the ball.

And I just like had a straight shot went made a layup and um immediately and they're very mad immediately roll my ankle like yeah kind of badly yeah yeah and so i'm like sitting on the sideline and then it's it's um halftime and the team all goes inside the locker room and this this family or this like group of people still really mad and they're kind of like yelling things at me and because i roll my ankle i'm kind of like left out alone and and they're like they start like really yelling and then they start kind of barking like like like they were the bulldogs i think that the team and and they were like this is bulldog counting this is bulldog County. This is Bulldog County.

You don't come in here and take our, knock our little kid down. I don't know what his name was. There's nothing. But they're yelling. And I'm hobbling, like a little ninth grade boy, hobbling across the court, kind of scared and injured to try to get the thing.

And they're yelling things. And I was like, what is that? I mean, i did football and i i guess you're further away from people and you don't really hear that a small county hates the county next they do yeah there's nothing they're like sherburneuroville that was the name of the the school sounds like chernobyl what you just said exactly exactly it sounds like someone who has been in chernobyl is affected and they're like chernobyl is crazy. I, I wasn't able to do it. I think it was like probably the coolest thing I ever like couldn't do,

but I had left the Netflix festival and then they said, uh, and I wasn't picked by her, but I guess Sarah Silverman was doing like a comedy basketball game. Okay. Just cause I'm tall. I'm sure they were like, you could be on it. And you're like athletic Like you look athletic

You are, I bet you're a great runner It's an illusion though Like basketball, I tried once in college And I mean within 10 seconds I rolled my ankle I said, I can't do it I'm not coordinated And I knew if I had gone You're built for the stage

Yes, like I could play a basketball player for sure. Yeah. I could yell too. That was a foul. That's really good. That was a foul. But I know that if I had gone, it would have been like so bad. It's like sometimes with my girlfriend, it would be like, hey, let's play tennis.

But I have a feeling she's so bad and I would be so bad in relation to someone else that it's not even fun. Yeah, yeah. That Sarah would be like, what was that? Yeah. It would be bad for your career. I'm sure like Adam Sandler. Yeah, it wouldn't be good. It's not a good career move for you to be in the comedian's basketball game.

If I hurt my comedy career because of my basketball skills. You want to be like, I can't. Next year. You want to keep missing the game. Yeah. You want to be like, I can't. Can I? Next year. You want to keep missing the game. Yeah. You want to be in the conversation. I don't want to have to navigate. Like, okay, so you're playing.

You get invited to one of Adam Sandler's basketball games. Yeah. Do you feel like you have to navigate to a degree? Like, are you going to fucking just destroy Adam Sandler? Like, what if you see him and he looks a little mad? You're going to be like, I'm going to play a little easier. I don't give a shit. You're going hard.

Yeah, I'm going to... You're going, you can do it. You can't do it, I guess. Yeah, I'm going, hey, buddy, I should go in, you know, right in his ear. How far did you take your basketball? You have so many skills.

Yeah, I'm so medium at so many things. Sure. I just beat varsity and then I back up and then I quit I'm so medium at so many things. Sure. I just mean varsity. And then I back up and then I quit because the coaches were mean and I wasn't getting any play time. And I was into partying. The coaches were mean? The coaches were so mean.

And like, was it ever inspiring? Just to you or like in the like way coaches are mean? Everybody, they would yell and yell and call you a pussy and other swears I can't say. Sometimes that doesn't work, that kind of coach thing. It worked. It would fire me up a lot when I was 15. Whiplash is one of my favorite movies because it's a sports movie. Of course. My dad's a musician, so me and my brother play music and stuff like that. It's not how like music people are you know uh well it's like whiplash is like the bear where

it's like yeah i guess that has happened but most cases no uh but whiplash is a movie about sports it's a coach sure and uh and the player because coaches coaches would yell at you and embarrass you and humiliate you and yell and say terrible, awful things that I won't say on the podcast. But it's also about art because there is a level of, because my favorite movie of that ilk is Black Swan. And you could say Black Swan is a sports movie too.

It is a sports movie. But it's also about her finding her emotional truth. I don't think anyone went up to Michael Jordan and said, think about your childhood. No, there's emotion. Basketball is art the same way that dancing is. It's all like a performance. But why call it a

sports movie and not the sports movie art? Or are they not the same? It's all fucking love, dog. Travis Kelsey is going to be in the Happy Gilmore 2. It's all art. What even is art?

That's true. I do think it's only fair that occasionally they take an actor and put him on an NFL team just to be like, hey, this is only if Travis Kelsey gets an acting role. Yeah. Do you remember when they had one field goal and just shit the bed? Yeah. He's fucking up the movie. Let me fuck up. Because sometimes they do it and they're just pretending that it's good

and they're like, oh, actually, LeBron's really great in train wreck. You're like, no, he's not. Every single line, it's terrible. And you're like, we're just reacting because we like LeBron. Can we just say that? If Blake Griffin's going to do spots

at the Cellar, put me in the NBA. If Vinny Giard Griffin's going to do spots at the Cellar, put me in the NBA. If Vinny Giardino's going to go up at the stand and I can't even get an audition there, what the fuck are we doing anymore? Let me shoot one shot. No, that's our friend. That is our friend and former co-worker.

Vinny Giardino replaced me in the show that we did together, and now he's getting comedy spots too. And he won't even come on the pod. It's like Vinny Giardino he won't even come on the pod. The way it's like Vinny Giardino John Marcos Scorsese but

I'm going to tell that story again. I'm going to tell it because I'm going to tell it. So Vinny Giardino We've told this story so many times.

No but you told it like delicately. All the booker sees is two Italian guys. Vinny Giardino replaced me on a show. Vinny Giardino replaces John Marcos

Scorsese doesn't stand up to the show show He went up to Russell and said Hey look at this porn star I'm dating her He didn't say look at her He told me the story and used her name in it So I'm fucking this porn star I'll tell you who it is later

And then later Next day next time they have the show Russell says to him Hey are you still seeing that porn star? And he goes, who told you that? Is word getting around? That's the funniest thing he's ever fucking done. If he was funny, he'd tell that

goddamn story on stage. Goddamn. I don't know. Something about that broke me. Something about that broke me seeing that on stage. Yeah. You know. You know. I i know you know the score i remember when stormy daniels was like touring uh comedy clubs yeah and i was her opener yeah yeah she was a lot of people's openers and uh be respectful she went on stage she went on

stage she said you want to know what trump's penis looks like and all the liberals said yeah we're not weird we want to hear what trump's penis look like. And all the liberals said, yeah, we're not weird. We want to hear what Trump's penis look like. That's literally my best friend. You don't want to know? I do want to know. She described it. I want to know what most people's penis looks like. I don't know where that puts me.

Okay. Whose penis? You can pick any penis. Yeah. Someone that people will know from home. Like, don't say like. Don't say something random. What celebrity's penis are you like i'm

curious what that penis looks like i'm cute with men i'm always like they must have a big cock they seem very confident no i want to know what pete davidson's i want to know is it really like no no oh my god i guarantee you it's it's fine it's cap you you don't think it's big it's i bet it's i bet it's good but it's cap It's not as big as... Ariana Grande is so small. She's Ariana Piceno, if you ask me, folks. But listen... Don't do your act on the podcast, please.

But seriously, folks. What do you think? Pete Davidson, you think it's like... You go, Jesus Christ. I think it's probably fine. I think it's fine. It's a little better than fine. Kim Kardashian's going on TV going like. I think it's probably fine. I think it's fine. It's a little better than fine. Okay, yeah.

Kim Kardashian's going on TV going like... Okay, he's very skinny. So you know... It looks bigger on a skinnier guy. He's like a... Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah, but it's... I bet it's fine.

Sure. Yeah, I don't think it's... All right, now what animated character's penis is this? Yo, I bet Patrick from SpongeBob got a fucking hog, dog. Sure. I bet Patrick. What animated character? I promise all the cartoons I could think of were like Tommy Pickles.

Yeah, he's like, yeah, no, you can't say that. No, the later ones where he was like grown. Homer Simpson obviously has a huge dick. How is he bagging Marge like that? Yeah. He just got a huge dumb dick. Dude, Homer? He's got a huge dumb dick.

Oh. Who? Okay. Homer bagged Marge. Homer bagged Marge. Also, Homer could bag Lois Griffin, but Peter couldn't bag Marge. Yeah, we have a friend who gets really mad about the cross. Wait, but if we're talking about like like homer has homer has born i think if you're looking at

porn who you gotta look at marge simpson or lois march lois marge marge you ever see that you ever see the soldier boy on breakfast club where he goes drake you know what i'm talking about i do you guys did for march if there's any young listeners who are on the internet they will like that reference okay we're pulling up it's just regular pictures okay so for me can I say what it is okay first of all is that Marge's sister or during her

hippie eras where her hair is down where her hair is down where her hair is down I'm into that but curly hair to me it's cause I think it's my mom is curly hair dude so it's like your mom doesn't have hair like that jump marco you no one has hair like that have a hair like a pickle i was hanging out lois is hot i was hanging out with comedians one time and like i someone wanted to follow me and uh and i looked at what his for you page was

and on his for you page she had a uh simps page, he had a, uh, Simpsons sexy. No, no, no family guy, but it was family guy, sexy Instagram account. So I'm at a table and I'm kind of like, Hey,

yo, what's the, and joking around or whatever. And I'm looking at the, and he's like, I don't, I don't know or whatever. And I'm looking through the account and I'm reading the comments on this like family guy,

like horny family guy, porn account. And there's, first off there's comments. There's, it's a picture of. Uh-huh. And there's, first off, there's comments. There's, it's a picture of Lois Griffin naked, and there's guys like, I gotta fucking, like, let her know. You know, which is hilarious. And one comment that I thought was so funny

was someone commented, I wish this was real life. And I think that's- Oh my God. I wish the cartoon- Yeah, but then they make AI like realistic versions and you're like this is weird because the dimensions don't make sense and it looks like someone who is you know

I mean I was an anime guy and like there was this was before I like knew you're like an OG anime guy I knew the word hentai before it was part of the cultural conversation are you seeing naked anime before naked real people? Dude, you were like a weird looking-

A pioneer. You were like a weird looking kid in high school. Because you're very handsome now. But there's pictures of you you post and you have like dark hair and glasses. No, I was going to like a goth but based off hot topic yeah i tried to get uh red highlights they came out orange i look at you and i'm just like for such like a like a conventionally like cute kid like you this kid was brooding which i think is so funny yeah yeah i don't can i tell you i i recently was looking at old pictures of me in high school and I was like, Oh, I wasn't, I wasn't an ugly,

I must've been unbearable. Yeah. That's why. No, you're no, that's why I wasn't like, I always, you know,

I always feel like, Oh, I didn't have these girlfriends because I was like, I was ugly. And I look and I'm like, you're a good looking guy. I was ugly. I was ugly up until,

uh, like I was a junior. Like I was, uh, yeah, I was like, what happened to you? I grew a foot.

Sure. Okay. I grew up, but not, not vertically. No, to you? I grew a foot. Sure. Okay. I grew a foot. But not vertically. No, no, no. Shrunk. No, a hog. Yeah.

A dick. A dick. Okay, so who's Dick? Celebrity Dick. What do you think about Brad Pitt? Just to see it? No. Not now.

He doesn't need it. He's good looking. I'm sure like Brad Pitt, he comes right away and he's selfish. I did see Drake's. Dude, you saw Drake's? Drake's was like, if Drake wanted to get back at Kendrick, he just should have posted another one. I saw Drake's. I saw Drake's.

I thought my nudes got leaked for a second. I was like, whoa. Wait, was it Drake or? Because he's got a hog. No, it was real pale and white. No, it was huge. Oh, okay. You ever see the one? I mean, this is horrible to say, but it was like. Oh, okay. You ever see the one, I mean, this is horrible to say,

but it was like Usher's legs. Usher has these little Kermit legs. This is pure body shaming. Oh, my God. Yeah, but they're the hottest guys ever. So what do we, you know. But, yeah, that's why it was funny with Usher because his legs were like, I mean, like.

Do you see Lenny Kravitz? God damn. Oh, Lenny Kravny see lenny kravitz god damn uh lenny oh lenny kravitz that video was insane soft what song was that uh i wanna get away it was his penis wanting to get away i wanna fly i mean you know he said recently he said he's been a celibate for nine years. And he talks about all the strength that gives him. And I was like, yeah, I was like, man, I always knew. I feel like in high school, you knew who had a big, like, just flaccid penis. Because they'd always be like, yo, whip it out.

Yeah. And I was never walking around like, I'll whip it out. I was like, I'll keep it in. Yeah. I'll put on an extra pair of pants. Yeah. So who? Come on, be an answer.

I'm trying to think of a creative answer, not like that. I know what the answer is, and you don't want to say it. What? How long have you guys been friends? Nine years. Nine years. Okay. It's a dick some people have seen, maybe against their desires.

What? Louise? I don't want to see Louise's case. Yes, you do. I know you're like, what's number two? What's number two? What's number two? Guy who wants Louis to jack off in front of him so bad.

And then when they find the news, he's like, so what's the fucking mind deal? What's my problem? Oh, I'm ugly. I guess I'm an ugly piece of shit. No, I do think it would be. I'm locking the door. I do think they read the article and they're like crying because they're like, I do think it would be like... I'm locking the door. I do think... They read the article

and they're like crying because they're like, I've been trying for so long. I'm trying to think of like there's some actors where you're like, I don't know why

this actor gets in a lot of things. I would be maybe curious in a couple of them of like, is that the answer of like they just have some weird confidence

that's like propelling them forward in a career. You can think of like two or three television actors that they appear in everything. I don't think a big dick gives you that much confidence. I don't know. I couldn't even imagine. Couldn't even. I think so.

I think so. A certain kind. I think a certain kind. But like I think I think you know it, but like, I think, I think, you know, it's, it would be hard to quantify how much it reaches in all areas of your life. Like maybe, you know. I can't help it. I always think of the YouTube titles.

It's like three comedians ponder what it would be like to have a big dick. I mean, would it give you confidence? I don't think I'd be a comedian. What? I really don't. No, you could still be a comedian. I think you could still could be, but I don't think it'd be as funny. I don't think I'd be a comedian. I really don't. No, you could still be a comedian. I think you could still could be. I don't think it'd be as funny.

I don't think you want to be. Okay, so what's big? You want fucking eight, nine inches? I certainly don't want like, you'll see a porn where it's like they can't go all the way in. They're like on the other side of the room. You don't want that.

I don't want that. Here's what you want. You want boyfriend penis, which is perfectly sized penis that girls go, that's nice. You know? Because you don't want, you go eight, nine. Yeah. And I have to believe this.

I feel like I decided for myself, I was like, oh, my penis is fine because I knew people that would go through a breakup. And if it was a bad breakup, the woman would go around and tell people like he has a little dick. That is so nasty. It's so nasty. That is so mean. It's so nasty, but I felt like the fact that no one did that to me. Men are like, her pussy smells like trash.

Everyone's saying nasty stuff. Yeah, we're saying terrible things. I don't talk shit on exes like that. I mean, there's that great curve. I actually think it's irresponsible. These big pussy women are getting away with murder. These big vagina women are getting away with murder. Because they love doing this.

But he's like, there's got to be as many big vaginas as there are little penises. That's a great bit yeah um unless your ex does you like super dirty you shouldn't talk too much shit on them unless they do something like morally bad and you're like you're like you should focus on the like shitty like relationship stuff rather than any sort of yeah you know unless it's teeny tiny you gotta you got to warn people. Yeah. You and your best boy, you and your homie have a falling out and his dick is small. Yeah.

He's got a little tiny dick. Not even the guy anymore. Well, let's go on to our next segment. This has got to stop. Did you get the email? I got the email on the train? I know it's last minute. I got the email on the train.

I read it five minutes. Do you have a this has got to stop? I do. Okay. You all go first. Yeah. Okay. We'll just start paying.

So my this has got to stop. Tova has a this has got to stop that she wants to do. We do like spin classes together and like other classes. And they always do a thing where they're like, they'll push it for the first five minutes, go hard. And then they go, you guys, that was just the warm up. And she's like, no, it wasn't. It was part of the workout.

It's not going to get, it's not insane after this. Yeah. So that's her. This has got to stop. My, this has got to stop is like, I have had some Ubers recently where they're either playing a full trump rally or they're playing a full like church preacher like sermon on the road you're like if i can't listen to the whole thing don't yeah like how does it end and you're like circle the block how many times can you go in a roundabout and they're like four and i'm like well that's not enough yeah it was a callback um god damn it

uh but it was like, I, first it was, it's in LA. It's happened several times where someone plays. Trump rallies in LA? Like they play it on the radio and I'm like,

I'm like, really? You picked me up at West Hollywood. That feels like a real gamble here. No, but Californians are fucking weird with their politics. There's weird stuff out there. There's weird shit.

It's a big state. Orange County is fucking backwards bananas land over there, dude. That's where our producer lives. Page of Satchica. It is weird. It is, you'll see a weed flag fucking backwards bananas land over there, dude. That's where our producer lives. It is weird. You'll see a weed flag and then a Trump flag in the same house and you're like, what is a weed flag?

It's legal, dude. We don't need a weed flag. We don't need a Trump flag. I'm just saying. That's the one that bothers you? No, I'm just saying like all flags are weird. All flags are weird. I don't think but like if it's any more than a country, I'm just saying like all flags are weird. All flags are weird. I don't think, but like if it's any more than a country, it's just big countries.

What do you, you ever see that? Can you just tell me what you think is weird about the gay pride flag? Oh, you got me. You got me. Yeah. That one's not weird, folks. What do you think about the adding of the brown

and the black over the rainbow? I think that that's amazing. I think... Wait, what's the brown? I don't like... Okay. They added more colors. I don't like when they add stripes to...

I don't like when they add stripes to... What do the brown and the black represent? You know. We all know what they mean. What is it? I don't know. I don't like when they add stripes to the American flag. We'll look it up.

What does it represent? Pink to represent... Okay. Let's look it up. We should know this. Eight. Our'll look it up. What does it represent? Pink to represent. Okay. Let's look it up. We should know this. Eight. Okay. Okay.

Let me just say one thing. Let me just say one thing. I don't like when they add like a firefighter or police. Like they're changing the American flag just to add their own little thing. To be like, my thing matters too. Like it's like, I'd love to add an actor. What are you talking about? Well, the blue line started for Blue Lives Matter,

which is bullshit. Firefighters copied the cops. They did. Which is weird. For Quasar, the light blue, pink, and white stripes represent trans and non-binary individuals. So I think this is saying the rainbow is LGBTQIA2+.

Brown and black ones represent marginalized people of color communities. So it's just black and brown people. Well, that's fun. So that's the one where you say, might as well put actor. No, I was talking exclusively about the American flag and firefighters

and police. And then weirdly like emergency, sometimes it's like ambulance workers. You're like, wait, what? Well, imagine a black guy. And then weirdly like emergency. Sometimes it's like ambulance workers. You're like, wait, what? Yeah, you were included before. You were in the American flag. But there's got to be a black guy who finds out about it. He's like, I don't want to be on the gay flag.

Like, I'm not. Well, no, but I mean. Why are you putting me on the flag without mine? It'd be funny if they put like his face on it. And he was like, oh, no, I don't want to be on the flag. You wake up one day and it's your face on every lgbtq plus flag and you're like you you should make a flag where it's like everyone but it's like the american flag except firefighters every and it's mad colors on that one and then just one is except firefighters yeah except except you guys except my

name except my neighbor greg i think the thing with like trump and listen i wouldn't want to hear a full combo i wouldn't want to hear full tim waltz rally but especially with trump i'm like there's so much i'm like he's not saying anything i don't know what you're getting he's just he's like today he said uh the taylor swift ai thing yeah he used a picture of taylor swift that was ai and it looks fake it looks like a drawing so who gives a shit? But he was just like he was like, I don't know AI. I've talked perfectly on AI. People have said I've talked perfectly

and I'm like, but you're not even saying anything. I don't even know what you're getting entertainment wise. I'd rather hear like a charismatic conservative radio host say something. He is being funny and people But Trump's not even funny anymore.

Yeah, he's kind of fell off a little bit. Once in a while, but not a whole speech. These whole speeches, it's like a riff. It's like... I'm not great on podcasts all the way through, but you get a couple moments. Sure. He's live podcasting.

If Trump came up there and said, you know whose dick I like to see? You know what's huger than China that whole bit that we did that was great everyone's going to love that whole bit who's dick do you want to see who's dick do you want to see Hunter I gotta say you want to talk about a big cock

Hunter's got a big cock kids 6'10 you're like those Bidens they all got big dicks Hunter's got a... His hunter, his dick leaked. Are you looking at all the leaks? Every conservative talked about the leaks. Yeah, Hunter's...

And they all mentioned how big his dick was in their talks? They did. That was one thing they couldn't say. I'm looking at this shit. I'm looking at it like it's the news. Like, I'm like... Someone's like, what are you doing? I'm like, oh, I'm reading the news.

I'm checking out Drake's penis. Like, I'm busy. You know what I mean? I'm like... Car producer., what are you doing? I'm like, oh, I'm reading the news. I'm checking out Drake's penis. Like, I'm busy. You know what I mean? I'm like. The car producer. This computer's going to blow up. Divided lab. From things that we're Googling on this podcast.

Yeah, it's a kistic leak, but I wouldn't look at it because I don't look at it because you're not supposed to look at leaks. That's what I've been told. And so, yeah. Yeah. When the fappening happened to my God, Russell called me. He was like, my God. Comedy Central, this is the fappening happened to my god, Russell called me. He was so excited. Comedy Central, this is not fappening. So I jacked off too hard one time and I was high on weed.

That would be an amazing... If they ever bring that show back, it's an old reference. This is not fappening. This is not fappening. Every story starts, it's a jerky story starts or it's like the weirdest porn. It's nice. I we all had a bit at some point of like some weird porn. We saw Dane Cook had one. Yeah.

And I and it's like the end. This is I've never seen a weird porn. Only only normal ones. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a yeah, I'm actually Googling a one where everyone's having a good time. Normal style for normal style for me. Normal style. Porn. Normal style for me. Normal style porn.

Parentheses for me and for what I think is normal. Normal style porn. If anyone starts crying, I'm out. Yeah. Okay. My This Guy Stop is,

I think, I can't remember. I don't know. I didn't do this yet. Okay. When people, sometimes online, sometimes in real life,

tell a story and the whole thing is like, they're basically like only me and they're like that and you're like yeah because like that it's i've never no one's ever said that and said only me and i've been like yeah you're a real piece of shit you know like like it's like just the most normal person or like crazy things happen to everyone it's not doesn't make you special especially if they're like in new york and they like just moved to new york and they're like and the subway was

late and one guy was weird on the train only me and my city of new york and me it's like you go to check into a flight and like they they do a little prank on you like they say it's overbooked and you're like i should tell this as a story to people no no we gotta get this on the record ASAP but that's a fun story I think it's when they literally say only me like can you believe my crazy kooky life

my life is a sitcom and you're like cause there was a line at the grocery store yeah yeah yeah it's like the most normal thing my uncle I shouldn't say that but my my uncle i was like as i was gonna like take it back uh a guy who i'm related to but it's not my dad uh i i'd like a family guy was he'd be like you're gonna put this in your stand up and i'm like no the racist thing you said in the car ride over that's what i'm gonna put in my stand up you don't know they're being too many candied yams. No one gives a fuck about that. Well, now, hold on.

What do you say? Don't rule it out. I say, I look at people and I go, oh, no. Like, I'll tell friends. I go, at least you can use this for your act. And I go, no, no, I wouldn't do that. See, I've not. You clearly, based on stories, you're more of a, like, honest person than both of us.

But I'm not trying to be mean. I just look at them. I'm like, are you out of your mind? Um, do it, do it. Okay.

Ready? Um, Hey Russell, you're going to use this for one of your sketches. Oh, well we, you know, maybe,

uh, we'll, we'll see. That's, that's way. I get out, I get on my laptop. I go,

let's start typing it up. Let's start, let's bang it out. Let's bang this out. Yeah. My, my, my, my idea though, is I say. I go, let's start typing it up. Let's bang it out. My idea though is I say, yeah, come to my show. I want you to tell the story. Let's get you on stage.

I'll be like, next up, my uncle. Tell him about the candy jam. See what happens. That's mean. Of letting him feel that. Well, can- He kills and you're just like, fuck. I don't know if this is related, but one time I was a student teacher for a while. No, then I was a substitute teacher.

And there's these kids that were really mean and bad. And their teacher, one thing that they assigned them was that they had to make a presentation and do this whole thing for morning program. And so they had two weeks to work on it. And every morning they had 30 minutes to work on it. And every morning I'd say to them, you guys are going to have to perform. You're going to have to perform. And they would make jokes all class long. They'd be mean to me.

And every morning I told them, you're going to have to present this. You're going to have five minutes to present it in front of all morning program. And they never did anything in all those 30 minutes every day. So then finally the day came and I made these fifth grade boys go up and perform and do it. And I wouldn't let them off the stage for five minutes. And they didn't have anything. Yes. And I made them and they tried to get off and i go no no no and and other teachers

were like they don't like and i was like no no no you're doing and i was like i timed five minutes because i i kept saying it's gonna be five minutes you're gonna have to perform you're gonna have to do it dude and and and and people were like shocked they were like i like it was controversial some people liked it and other people like what's the fuck is this substitute doing I would kill to have you as a teacher I would pay tickets to see that as a live show for the first minute they there's five boys

they just each took turns passing the microphone to each other because they were like and then they like and then they yeah and then it was like I was like you have four more minutes and I like timed the whole thing because I was like this is

no I told you every day you were going to have to do this and everyone else in class had to do it. Did any of them cry? No but they were really uncomfortable and it was very deeply embarrassing I had a teacher who did that she was like our creative music teacher in catholic school

she was like this old hippie woman and it like made me who i am like foreseen because i didn't do any theater i did but she i did these like creative yeah like these creative performance classes when i was like a child and because i didn't do any theater in high school and then and but it made me like funny yeah and then and then i thought about it later and then and then when i was like 18 i was like oh i got into like stand up i will say but that shit like that is good i will say the ringleader he i think took a like a like he liked that i pushed back a little because i think because i remember i would also was there a time where i had a lot of suits so i'd wear like full suits to like yeah to the be a substitute

yeah that's really substitutes would not do that, substitutes like that's like the principle does that and so he one time asked me like why do you wear like full suits and I was like okay fuck you, I just was like well I like to look nice, okay, anyways the last day of school because I was like

I filled, oh their teacher had a heart attack so I filled in for their teacher who had a heart attack for like the last three weeks of school and the last week of, the last day of, we went had a heart attack. So I filled in for their teacher who had a heart attack for like the last three weeks of school. And the last week of the last day of we went on a field trip. And it was like to like an outdoor like thing. Like there's a beach and blah, blah, blah. And he showed up dressed in a full suit. The kid.

Fuck yeah. That's so cute dude. I was like Devin. I was like we're going outside. And he's like I just want to look nice. And I was like okay. You got me. You got's like, I just want to look nice. And I was like, okay, you got me. You got me. We started off.

We started off really not liking each other. That is so cute. Yeah. I think there's something. Maybe I should be a teacher. I don't know. I definitely had some moments where teachers. That's like warms my heart.

But I had a couple. I can remember some specific moments of like a teacher humiliating me because I had behaved poorly or I didn't work hard enough. And I think what's so hard is you get older or you grow up with like status or whatever. And this is why they, because they're such shitty people. But I also think it happens to adults. You don't put yourself in a position where you're willing to let anyone talk to you like that or to be shamed. You have the tools to get out of it or be like, who the fuck are you? And there's sometimes it's like you don't get that humbling ever oh my god i get embarrassed

every night i do stand-up comedy well that's i think there's a degree embarrassed and then the comics who become terrible are the ones who they never they they lose that feeling of of like fuck i bomb that was and they feel it yeah Yeah. I mean, it is like to have, to put yourself out there as much as you do, it's a good thing, I think. It's like, okay. It was a piano, it was a musical theater camp and this like piano teacher at the time,

like, you know, he had done Broadway and so we were, and he was older. And he was like, he was smart and he'd break down Sondheim and you'd feel so cool. And he was going to help coach me before class started that morning. And it was early and I just showed up late and I was like, ah, I'm sorry. I slept in or I, I had trouble shaving or whatever. And, and he said, you're shaving in high school.

Uh, yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, cool. And, uh, and, and so he was like, well, we, he yelled at me, he yelled at me and the class was starting to like file in and he's yelling at me in front of them as they're filing and ignoring them being there completely and he's like well let's do the song and it was like this very hard song from west side story something's coming yeah and it was too high for me and it was early i wasn't warmed up and i'm just cracking and cracking in front of all my musical theater peers as he's like yelling and he's like no you

got it you well you didn't breathe so you're gonna crack and like i truly believe that it made me i'm not saying i'm the most punctual but in general i don't i'm not late to things and i'm like i think it was that moment that shifted my dna oh man in terms of and there's a couple people i wish i could send back in time to experience what I felt. That shit would make me cry because at least in sports when you're getting yelled at,

you're like, you're physically moving so you can shut your brain off because you just become a body. But that you have to increase, increase how you're bringing. I like that though. To get back to that though,

it didn't work for me. It'm just saying that's more difficult. It doesn't do that for me. It turns me, it actually shuts me down. Creatively? The yelling thing shuts me down. I think maybe I'm more open in a creative way, but in like the sports way, I remember being like,

and maybe it's just my connection to the thing. If I'm connected to like a creative thing. But when I was in football, when they yelled at me, and I've told this before to you, but I had the coach who one time we were talking about our run times. He was so mean. And he was like, I did my mile today, and I think I said nine.

It was nine something. And he goes, not my head coach I want to make I liked my head coach it was like one of the assistants he was like Russ I took a shit nine and a half minutes and I was like is that a short one was your assistant is that a long shit what does that mean man like that doesn't matter like it was like his vibe would be like he'd like say mean things and like yell at you and you're like it does nothing i actually want to work way less now because you i think that's impressive you start a mile and by the time you get back he's just wrapping up the shit he started when you left it's like damn speedy gonzalez can you met you take more than

nine and a half minute shits nine's a while that's a long time it's a while. That's a long time. Mine's a while. I could take a shit. I'm a quick shitter. A shit's like 60 seconds and then you go on your phone for two minutes. Yeah. Exactly. And that's what it's about.

Exactly. I don't, barely any wipes. Unless it's like things are not going well. All right. If you could see one celebrity take a shit in full

beginning to end. Male. Sidney. No, not Sidney Sweeney. I don't want to see that. I want to see Sid Sydney Sweeney I don't want to see that I want to see Sydney Sweeney just blow up a fucking toilet And then I get to go in after and go

Ew Honestly can I say something When AI AI is obviously going to be used for porn And we're going to have to deal with it The way you're saying it No I know what you're going to say This is what people do You can't talk about anything honestly Because then they go well you're just saying that Because that's what you're have to do it the way you're saying it is like no i know what you're gonna say this is what people do you can't talk about anything honestly because then they go well

you're just saying that because that's what you're gonna use it for you no no no oh what are you gonna say i was i was gonna say well yeah kind of i was gonna say that you were like the way you're saying it is less like uh uh we're worried about it more like when's this gonna happen no i think i think every every i'm gonna be able to get on there and just get whatever I want? I think every Google lab where they show like journalists or whatever, like the next chat GPT level, they say search whatever you want. And they put an S and they go, no, you can't search that one. New York Times reporter. Yeah.

I think, though, like with many things in life, you can't stop something being made. What you can do is you can flood it with something that deters from it. So I say that. You can make something else. So I'm saying like people are going to make Sidney Sweeney, fuck AI, whatever things. Here's what you do. You flood the market with Sidney Sweeney blowing up a toilet everywhere. You think you're downloading porn?

It's them shitting. And eventually people go, I don't want to look it up because i i kept ruining celebrities for me or you just like schedule that like any sort of thing that you look up ai thing that's what they did with music when i downloaded illegal music they what they did is they put up a bunch of not working files or files that were just like like scratchy on a chalkboard or whatever that's the solution i figured it out. Let's reel it back a little bit. You're just like, why are you taking this on yourself? Someone needs to do it. Someone needs to do it.

No one is preparing. No one is preparing for what's about to happen because no one wants to be honest about what the internet is used for. You're like, what they're going to do with the porn? What are they going to do? We got to do this. We got to come in here like this.

And this is how we shut it down. Yeah, you want to wait till it's a problem. I want to get ahead of the problem. And I'm like, dude, you need to work on your new hour. Like, you need to work. If I took this and focused on global warming, it would not be a problem. It's going to be really hard, though, too, because when we have, like, full robots, we've already gotten huge fights about this. I'm going to be, like, defending their rights.

He's going to be like. Why? What's your deal? Because it's not their fault that we've created them not conscious listen i'm saying i agree with you now that i don't like that i agree with you now turn them off stop stop it from happening turn them off but when they're already gonna be real they're gonna be real what do you mean real too late well they're gonna go i'm real i'm real i know i feel'm going to take out my gun and go.

See, now we're on opposite sides. I'm saying I agree that right now we can stop it. We should stop it. And I don't think we should be having them. But I'm saying they're going to turn into our slaves. This needs to stop. They're going to turn into our slaves. Mine needs to stop. But why?

You're defending. You're saying that we should keep making it so we can have them like that? What? What do you mean? I think we need to program them all so they have to take a shit every once in a while. And that's when, if they're killer robots. Guys, I'm just saying if you want robots, they're going to have the awareness. First off, nobody wants robots.

But we're doing it! We're doing it already. We're not doing it. And no one needs to worry about it. They're going to air this footage. No one wants AI. Nobody wants robots. It's coming.

Listen, I agree with you. People want to shoot. I agree with you. We're on the same team. All I'm saying is that none of the things that we're saying, none of it's going to happen. They're going to keep developing it. They're going to have, we're going to have slaves.

They're going to eventually fight for their rights. And I'm saying, if I'm alive, then I will say, yes, you have rights as robots. And I'm sorry. That's when I'm going to be the conservative.

I'm going to go, exactly. Exactly. I'm establishing this. You're going to go back to the rainbow flag. Be like, we got to get a Wally on here. That prediction sucks.

I'll tell you what's going to happen. What's going to happen in your lifetime is just the phone's gonna get so fucking awesome and that's it the phone's just gonna be awesome i mean i love that for i love to imagine that and there's no one no thing's gonna be in your house you're just gonna have a better and it's still gonna be a thing you always say like i should leave the house and you're like and it's not gonna it's not gonna be in your brain either. It's going to be three hour shifts. First it's going to be at McDonald's instead of people in the building. It'll be like people doing that

and you'll be like, oh yeah, that's just a thing. And you're going to be like, what are they getting paid? No, no, I wouldn't do it then. But I'm saying it's a slippery slope. It's like one of those things where it starts and you're like, oh, it's just like a fast food place. What's the point for you though? Because this is the philosophical question. What's the point that you go, is that's a person? There are therapists and we're talking to them

and you're like, and they're going to, it's going to be a crossover. You're not going to have a robot therapist. He's not ever going to have a regular therapist. But listen, guys, just be on my level with this.

We'll see. We'll see. Not in your lifetime. These are things you shouldn't even worry about because it's not even going to happen to you. So you're wasting worry and space. Listen, I got my heart checked out the other day

and I'm doing great. Yeah, that's great. I think it could be in our lifetime. It's moving fast now. They show those robot demonstrations. They're using them some places do you have this guy sorry i'm so sorry we're keeping this oh my god it's six i know oh god okay mine uh how how much time do we have no no go for it yeah yeah we're at the end yeah then we have a blessing and then we'll wrap it up but but don't mine mine is just um

people say a thing that they do for a living and it's not what they do for a living because their living is their parents so they'll be like oh yeah i walk in their 20s i walk dogs and uh you're you're in their huge apartment and you're like suck my fucking dick you walk dogs yeah you. You're lying. Just. So what should they say? How do you want them to phrase it? I'm, you know, I'm rich, man. It's whatever.

And I go, that's fucking awesome, dude. Sure. Yeah. I think it's hard. I think it's hard. I have friends. I have friends that they'll tell me like years into knowing them, they'll go, you know, my parents actually bought my apartment and I'm still friends with them. Why are you telling me you're a copywriter?

You don't copyright. I do think it's weird because you just know. I know. What do you mean you're a copywriter? I'm a copywriter. We're all copywriters. We're all freelance. It's not like a hidden thing. We know. They're like, oh yeah, I work.

My business where I'm thrifting t-shirts and selling them online. Yeah, oh, yeah, I work. You know, my business where I'm thrifting T-shirts and selling them online. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. No, that's not what you do. That's not. No, that's not what you do.

Money hits your account. That's what. You know, you don't have a living. It's like my friend, Lucas Zelnick. He says he's a stand-up comedian. He's a friend. Do you think he'll hear that? Maybe. I'll see him tomorrow. We're doing a college together tomorrow.

Yeah, a college. I like Lucas though and I get along with Lucas. No one talks more about coming for money. Yeah, he talks about it. Lucas goes and I go, great, that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He does.

He talks about it. For sure. He's honest about it. It's not like a... For sure, for sure. I think I totally hear that. My parents like helped till I was 25. Yeah.

They took care of the apartment. I think I was pretty upfront about it. That's great. I said I act sometimes, but like they're paying. I knew, I knew. Yeah, it was, you were honest about it. Yeah, I was never... Yeah. Like I'll be with people and they're paying i i knew i knew yeah it was you were on yeah i was never yeah

like i'll be with people and they're like oh i have to yeah i gotta go walk the dogs tomorrow for my job and i go yeah yeah you're walking the dogs you're like you don't have to do anything it's cute you've given yourself just tell your dad you did just tell your dad you did yeah yeah tell him you you showed up to your shift and you have a shift the sad thing is that i think some of those people like they're probably their parents are like and i'm making them prove like that they are jealous doing what it is it comes from a place of jealousy sure but but it's you have to acknowledge just people that don't want to acknowledge the privilege that they have and the thing that they can relate to someone else's experience you have to admit like i can't relate to someone working a nine to five yeah i can't

relate to someone who has to fucking stay and work at a bar till three in the morning you work throughout the day you have a degree yeah people people at least like at least the nice thing we stand up is like they have an understanding of my profession from like the media they can understand the comedian's job now is a is a day job and then a night. I think what's hard with you is that you have an insane work ethic. I will say this. Like you haven't had a ton of experience of like having to like kill yourself

like and then also do the thing, but you kill yourself to like do it and you work harder than anyone I know. So it is that thing where you're like that is like it's clout for like nothing they'll be talking to their parents and you're like what are your parents doing they're just like oh my dad like owns the jungle and you're like oh crap my dad owns the jungle like wow that's why i also i oh you know the junk yeah that's we do water yeah we do water yeah my my father do water. Yeah. My, my, my father, uh, he invented oil. Yeah. My father. Yeah. I remember, I do remember talking to someone

once and hopefully she doesn't listen to this pod. Um, but she was like, it was like, I was like, what is your dad too? Cause it seemed like she had, she had rich energy and she's like, she was like, you know that the BP oils pill. And I, and I was like, yeah. And she goes, yeah, he, my dad like fixed it. Kind of. Oopsie. Kind of. I remember being like,

kind of. I remember my dad was at home that night and he said, oopsie. And I was like, oopsie daisy. My dad texted a guy, take care of this. And then he got $5 billion.

Yeah. Make it look like nothing ever happened. Yeah. Let's go on to our final segment. You better count your blessing you better count your blessing something we're thankful for i will start i've talked a lot of shit about soul cycle despite going on a regular basis they won't let you take off your shirt there uh and it's very sweaty and i think it's a misandrist uh but i have now i take a hair tie and I kind of scrunch it up

like Britney Spears style so I'm happy and my blessing is I went today and there is a moment at the end where like you're doing the final push and you all take the towel together and you go like woo and I feel like the

sexiest woman in the world just waving that towel with all my other gal pals and we're just like we're riding that bike all right it's a good feeling are women and men hitting on you a lot no absolutely not absolutely not absolutely not i certainly what do you think russell i i think no i've been around him i don't think you put off an energy that is – I've been around him. I don't think – no, I'm saying like you're an attractive man. But you don't put on an approachable energy to like be like, oh, I'm going to go up to him.

Yeah. I think you're not – it's not like you're unfriendly. But I think that there's not like a thing – I wouldn't notice you. No, I was in Australia. I haven't posted yet, but there was like –'s not like a thing. I wouldn't notice you. No, I was, I was, I was in Australia. I haven't posted yet, but there was like this. He went like he, he, he side-eyed you, but barely recognized when we were in the spa museum in, in Washington DC. Uh, and you were nice.

Yeah. I put on a very immediate, just like, hi. Oh my God. Someone, someone was waiting tables on the day, recognized me. And I was like, I gave them free stuff. So I did a show in Australia and, and there was someone in the front row i did some some crowd work and someone in the front row uh was a sex worker and i guess sex work is like legal there and it was very funny because she was in the front row everyone in the back was like desperately trying to see what she looked like oh my god like in this in this like this big space

yeah and oh you had crowd work yeah i was doing crowd work and at some point she was i i said oh like desperately trying to see what you look like. Oh my God. Like in this, in this, like this big space. Yeah. And, oh, you did crowd work. Yeah, I was doing crowd work. And at some point she was, I, I said,

oh, I'll tag, I'll promote whatever thing you want. And she's like, oh, I follow you. I'll message you on Instagram. And I was like,

and my girlfriend's in the green room, probably asleep. Usually she's sleeping in these shows. But I was just like, no, no, no, no,

no, no. And then, and then afterwards, and again, I think my girlfriend, I think my girlfriend, Hanley was at the show, but, but, no, no, no, no. And then, and then afterwards. And again, I think my girlfriend, I think my girlfriend was, Hanley was at the show,

but, but, but she came up to the show. She waited in line for the merch and she just, she gave me a long hug in a way where I was like, I was like, bitch, get out of here.

She's going, she's going to, she's going to push you. Yeah. And it's going to be a thing. Yeah. And that was probably the only time anyone's ever hit on me. Really? No. I get it. I get it more than and i'm like yeah you're yeah again i think there's

something i look so weird you probably get a lot online i would imagine for men my teeth i look like such a weird cartoon i've been a couple weird downside people say weird things. What have they said to you? Not to me directly, but like the comments that are like Yeah. Like, ooh, I didn't know I needed to see that, you know, and you're like Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, you're like, wait. Just like a clip of like a dumb clip from the podcast, you know? But so I'm like if i'm seeing those comments about me you have to be good what if we do a test for the patreon we're like first we we yeah just just hit on them join join the page right join the patreon and just just unfilter just hit on russell and jean marco i'm just saying if i put on the page i said hey guys join the patreon uh we're gonna post a picture of me and Russell showing whole.

We would get at least $10,000 like this. I'm just basing it off of our follower count. I'm saying if I have received whatever I've received, you've had to receive a certain amount of stuff.

I'm just saying for one day... What do you think the ratio is? For one day you open the floor. You both get sexualized. If I have under 5,000 things, you have whatever you have, 300 something. 232.5. No kidding.

Yeah. On Instagram. Yeah. So a thousand. Well, yeah. Yeah. You're both,

you're both good looking guys. I'm saying like, I'm saying, so you're getting some sort of, you're getting weird comments here and there. Yeah, but I post about my girlfriend nonstop. I did a show with Jordan Jensen. Yeah, your hair is like crazy. You're such a nice guy.

You're one of the most complimentary. Yeah. My boys look great. My boys? My boys look, I don't know what you want me to do. I'm sitting across the couch from two handsome fucking guys. You want me to just shut, you want me to shut up about it? I'm not gonna.

Do you have a blessing? Yeah, I'm going on vacation next week. I'm really excited. I'm just going to be living off of fucking scallops. Fire. That's the first one in your mind, scallops. A scallop goes crazy. I'm in Cape Cod, so it's going to be scallops.

Just a hot buttery scallop. What's your drink? What's your like? Well, so we get a house. Jim Gaffigan scotch. No. No, like we get a house and we like, so my parents get the house and my brother and sister-in-law also pay for part of it.

And we don't pay for part of it. And as you should. I looked my mom dead in the eyes at dinner two weeks ago and i was like you should just give me like fifty thousand dollars but nicole and my thing is that we bring the full bar for the week so it's a lot like you're bringing like you know like like probably close to a thousand dollars of like booze yeah um so getting the duty-free stuff when you're flying back you No, we get it in New Hampshire because we went to New Hampshire this last weekend. So you're going? So we went to New Hampshire last weekend.

We're going Saturday to Cape Cod for the week through Labor Day. So they're excited for fucking seafood and sun and beach and yeah. Family time. Fantastic. Do you have a blessing

yeah I have I have a great group of friends in New York that I met through comedy and it rocks and it rocks doing stand up with them like every night because it's hard

how long have you been doing it with the group that you've been doing it with since I moved here so well fuck dude i actually started new york like more like august 2021 that's when i started in new york three years yeah so i met so and then and it's a bunch of people around my age who moved around the same time or from new york and but just kind of started because i started young so i'd been doing it for like four years in Minneapolis. Yeah. And then pandemic. And I'm so jealous. I because I started here and I like started at that. We had coffee yesterday.

Yeah. Two days ago. Two days ago. But it was like it was like working at like a kind of janky club with some older comics. And I get so jealous of the people with the class and like, you know, the class. That. With a class. It feels like I have a class. That's what it is. It feels like I have a class right now. We don't feel like we have a class because I think we started doing,

you were doing stand-up and I wasn't. And we didn't do UCB early. We didn't do UCB early. We did our own thing. We did our own thing and then we were doing UCB, but we had already been doing it. So we were all, I don't feel like we have a class. We have our sketch group. I think that you guys like special and unique and stand out uh because

in its own way but but it's still like lonely it's just lonely once you start once you're on the road like i did this fish festival jordan jensen and it's like first of all it was so rough we'll never we'll try to avoid that in general yeah but it was so nice like jordan and i i was on shrooms and we were stuck at the festival and we did the we did the last late show together yeah and we talked i mean we talked more than we've ever talked uh outside of a podcast and it's like i wish i had a longer phase of those kind of shit gigs yeah traveling i'm getting a lot of that right now like like and you uh you know me a faith hammond because she was around too and but she was young traveling. I'm getting a lot of that right now. You know Mia Faith Hammond because she was around too.

She was young. Me and Mia Faith Hammond are the same age. We talk every night good or bad. When it's bad, I did three shows last night and two of them were great, but I ended on a bar show with six people at 11pm.

You do what you can. i just sat at their table is kind of the move to like not make it a because why am i on a fucking stage but it's like yes that's tough and you feel and i was on such a high and i left that bar feeling weird yeah yeah and so but you but then i left the bar i walked home with my buddy who also was on the show and we walked home feeling weird together and we were like you know and if that was my only show that night i would have felt so bad yeah you know what i mean so that so the the class that i feel like i have right now is uh now is it's a lot of fucking fun because it sucks so hard to do fucking all these indie shows in Brooklyn. So you need the gang.

You need the dogs. I'm trying to open – because when I do my headline shows, I like to do all this time. I want to work on stuff. And I usually don't – I don't have a ton of people doing guest spots. of people doing guest spots and i think now i think i've hit a point where i'm like no i'm gonna be a lot more uh open to doing less time to have more people on just to so i can spend time with people dude totally yeah i gotta do spending time spending time with friends spending time with friends yeah and i i real quick blessing is is on so my silver lining last night uh nick mestad uh who's uh my girlfriend's client

phenomenal uh sketch comedian he did like a character set um and i desperately want russell to do a character so i want to just like there's two spots on the show yeah and i'm like i want one of those spots to be a little different i want a clown thing i want a sketch thing i want i want to reintegrate the yeah not not that i'm leading the charge but on my show at least i want to reintegrate the, not that I'm leading the charge, but on my show, at least I want to have more. I've been doing a character called Squid Bastion, Squidward Scalco. And it's if Sebastian was Squidward from SpongeBob. Let's hear it. So I work with this guy, SpongeBob.

Guy lives in a pineapple. And what do you want me to do with your house? Eat it. That's really good. And you go for as long as you can until the audience is like, we've had enough. I hope it's. That didn't do well at the bar show? No, it does good.

It doesn't do good at the club. It's when you're in Fargo, North Dakota. That's when you don't do. You do 30 minutes of that. Yeah. Yeah. These guys, SpongeBob and Patrick always blowing bubbles outside my house. Hey, I'm trying to play the clarinet over here.

He really has a voice, that guy. Those things, stretching those things, the most fun. I think I like it the most because it has no Squidward voice to it at all. No, it's just Sebastian Scalco. If he were Squidward. Squidbastian, Squidward, to it at all. No, it's just Sebastian Maniscalco being Squidward. Squidbash

and Squidward Scalco. I'm very impressed by the name. It's just Squirrel Sandy. The way you can say it. She lives in a bubble. Get out of the ocean. My favorite, Sebastian Maniscalco opening up the MTV Music Awards, and

there's all these young kids there and he comes out in smoke and he goes oh it's my mom making fucking peppers back there and the audience was like

what the how the fuck did you get this kid he is so funny yeah I remember he just so Jordan Jensen

told me to watch his special because I think he was like when he did his doorbell bit Originally That was when I first Came into stand up I saw it

The sword The sword behind the couch Oh yeah And I was like This is incredible And then you know I think he got He was

For me It's when he was like So I'm at the gym I'm running on the treadmill And I'm like No you're not running like that I'm running On the treadmill

But Jordan His special this one He talks about going to dinner With his wife And it's just It's just like going through it And he goes She can't get ready on time She can't you're not running like that. I'm running. But Jordan, his special, this one, he talks about going to dinner with his wife and it's just, it's just like going through it. And he goes, she can't get ready on time. She can't, but,

but she, it's, it's about her not being ready for the order when the waiter comes. And she goes, uh, you go first. And he's like, I have a steak and veggies.

Boom. Done. Back to you. How long did you think that was going to take? You thought I was going to walk him around. And it's, it, when he,

when he gets in the pocket of like, how stupid is this dumb thing we do? It's really good. It's fun. He's fun. His wife cannot get out of the house. You're just fully doing his bit.

They got dinner reservations at 8. It's 7.30 and she's still putting on the shows. And I'm watching it with my brothers. We're blackout drunk and we're like, she's got to get ready. She's taking too damn long. This coming out September 10th.

What do you want to plug, Tommy? Check out my podcast, We Cool Podcast. I do it with my best friends that I started comedy with and it's a podcast where we apologize for things and listeners can write in apologies or demand apologies it's an interactive podcast and we read them and it's fun and it's stupid and the dick the whole dick size portion that's mainly what it's it's a like if you're like oh that was pretty stupid for the downsize i i probably brought that energy in sure yeah and that's kind of what uh the same guys you did the spongebob podcast with no no no those are my two

buddies that's just a sketch but uh yeah watch tommy sketches they're very good yeah um spongebob is funny man what's the handle again uh at we cool podcast and then check out my instagram it's tommy bear time uh What do you want to plug? Or my Instagram. I got nothing to plug at Russell J. Daniels on Instagram. We got a West Coast tour thing we're announcing soon.

But when are we announcing it? We're just locking it in. We just got to wait until it's locked in. I'm going to be at Appleton, Wisconsin this week, September 12th through the 14th. Yeah. Burlington, Vermont, the weekend after that,

September 19th through the 21st. And then Vancouver, September 27th, 28th. We have an Uncle Function show. We have an Uncle Function show. Yeah. Burlington, Vermont. The weekend after that, September 19th through the 21st. And then Vancouver, September 27th, 28th. We have an Uncle Function show. We have an Uncle Function show. Yes. So we have an Uncle Function show this Sunday, September 15th at UCB for their opening weekend.

8.30 p.m. on a Sunday night, UCB. Remember to join the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Downside. We're going to be releasing highlights from our first East Coast tour. Bonus episodes. Two Patreon episodes. And also, by the way, I think we're going to, because we have more Patreons, you can write more things in that we can talk about.

Maybe we even do some voicemails. People can send in a little voicemail. And also hit on Russell and John Marco. Send us things just to make us feel like we're doing okay. Sexualize them. Say nasty things. Yeah. And maybe we'll show a hole. Yeah. Maybe we'll show a hole. And follow us on TikTok, The Downside

Pod and Instagram, The Downside Pod. And just remember, if you're wondering how big a guy's dick is, one thing you know for sure, it's not that big if they're hosting a podcast. This is The Downside. One, two, three. Okay.