The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #231 How Big Is It with Martin Urbano

Episode Date: September 17, 2024

Comedian Martin Urbano shares the downsides of lip syncing musicals, getting fired from The Tonight Show, dropping out of college to pursue stand-up comedy, and the sacred art of yo mama jokes. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join the Patreon free for 7 days for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and MORE. Follow Martin on Instagram, TikTok, & Twitter Keep an eye out for Martin's upcoming special! Follow Douglas Goodhart on Instagram & TikTok Follow The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi on Instagram Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's bi-monthly show in NYC Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Dave Columbo Technical production by Chris Mueller Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Red One... We're coming at you. ...is the movie event of the holiday season. Santa Claus has been kidnapped? You're gonna help us find him. You can't trust this guy. He's on the list. Is that Naughty Lister? Naughty Lister?

Dwayne Johnson. We got snowmen! Chris Evans. I might just go back to the car. Let's save Christmas. I'm not gonna say that. Say it. Alright.

Let's save Christmas. There it is. Only in theaters November 15th. I remember once when I first started comedy, I made a Facebook post that was like, roast me. And it was an attempt to be like, what do you see? let me learn a little more about myself yeah maybe use these jokes and alex estrada who was a sketch comedy writer he wrote he said i don't write for free and it was such a i was so new and so vulnerable but it taught me something yeah you can't just ask people to write for you yeah that's uh i feel

like you have a lot of those stories where like something like happens like the one that i can think of is the woman who like told you it's very theater-y no it's very theater like your stand-up was like very the old booker of new york comedy club said i was too one man show too one man show and like i feel like it's still in your nightmares yeah yeah. One man show. One man show. How did you change after that? How do you take that note? Yeah.

Right. Yeah. I, I did the thing where I, first I walked around and I said, uh, uh, uh,

uh, Robin Williams to one man show. Sorry. And then I said, I can, Oh, you want me to mumble? You want to go up there and mumble?

I'll stand in place. I'm mumble. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why did you provide a stage if you don't want me to move? And I changed a little bit. And then I went right back to what I do. You've seen me.

Yeah. You haven't been like. I was wondering if there was a more one man show version of that. He stopped throwing fake footballs into the audience and going, catch. Well, when I first started started i very much did like uh very beginning my friend chris cafero saw it where i was like i i like did really nerdy like that was just that was my go-to was seymour and little shop of horrors oh you know like that's what worked creating a persona hello i'm uh what's an early joke that you had as an early? Oh, I'm, my name's Jermarcus Arezi,

but I'm mostly Jewish. I'm like a matzo pizza, or really more like a matzo with a tiny drop of ragu. Good. I thought that, okay, this joke I thought was decent is, these are all my name jokes. My name's Jermarcus. I'm Italian, but I'm Italian in the sense that we're all African.

Oh, okay. Which was, it was too far. Yeah, yeah. But the early stirrings of a genius learning his voice. Someone in the back heard it and was like, hmm, not there yet. But the kids got something. The kids got something. It felt edgy because I said Africa, but it wasn't offensive at all.

Do you have early name jokes? What was your first, what were some of the early embarrassing ones? I kept this one around for a lot longer than I should have. My name is Martin Urbano, but you can call me by my street name, Martin Avenue. You did that? that was on your kibble yeah yeah shouldn't shouldn't be on tv but it's nice this is what i said i said hey can you tell me a joke years that was bad and you're like sure let me do my celebrated late night set opener joke sean marco just because something's on tv doesn't mean it's good. When do you know when to retire like a good bit?

Do you know that Who is Nine based on? The famous director? Yeah, Fellini. I believe Fellini's quote was like a movie is only done when you have to cut it off. Like there's no good time. I don't think it's ever done. At some point

you just go, well, I guess I'm going to stop. Wow. Sometimes, sometimes I'll think of an old joke and I'm like, that was actually good. And I do it on stage and I go, yeah, you stopped that for a reason.

Like what? Silence. Come on. Like what jokes? Um, Oh God. I, I,

okay. I did one that I wasn't, I mean, these are, these are, these are the old ones that would get me in trouble. I used to have a bit... When I was younger, I felt I was heavy chested.

I had moobs. So a lot of my early act was about my moobs. Man boobs. And I said... I really hate the word moobs. Sure. Man boobs. And, okay, I apologize.

I said, moobs is a native American term. That means man with chest of lady. And let me tell you why I stopped doing moves. And I think this is an important comic. There's so many reasons. I don't think you need a reason, but it's true. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. A story. Another reason. A story. I met a man, a comic at Caroline's comedy club, and his act was about having bigger breasts.

He had a irregular estrogen to the point that he had like D-cup titties. Oh. And I realized in that moment, I was like, you being having a little bit of tittage in middle school, that's not special. Sure. I mean, if comedy is exaggeration, what's more exaggerated than a guy with D-cup titties? And so I said, do you want the Native American joke? And he said, this is The Downside. You're listening to The Downside.

With Gianmarco Cerezi. Welcome to The Downside The Downside with Gianmarco Cerezi Welcome to The Downside That was my guest co-host speaking to me It's weird to hear your voice and look at you I appreciate that I'm really good at those I didn't say a compliment but in your head you were like, it is good

I just broke my cold streak I've been on such a cold streak in terms of booking Oh my god And so I booked this VO. It's, it's not a big deal, but it was just like, finally, I, I just needed to break the streak, you know, get out of my head. But it was this, uh, a VO of singing a song and dealing with people who don't know about music is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

So I'm, I'm recording this thing in my apartment, you know, I've got like a source connect studio or whatever, and I'm supposed to sing this song. And she's like, the song is like really high. Can you sing it lower? And I'm like,

okay. So I sing it down the octave, down the octave. So I sing the song and it's like down here. And she's like, now that's too low. She's like, can you sing it in the middle and i was like

i don't know i was like i was like you have to change the key and she's like what do you mean and then she's like sing it like this and i was like that's not gonna that's not gonna work that's not gonna work this is the audition or the recession this is the session this is the session and meanwhile there's an engineer there. Like, why is he so silent? Like, he must deal with music. Sure. Like, no one chimed in in my defense.

Like, I wonder if they were like, like being difficult. Like, no, no, this is music. Do you think she thought, invent a new melody? Yeah, I think she did. I really think she did. But this was like a popular song they were rewriting the lyrics to. A popular 80s song. I'm not going to sing it.

But like, you know, like if it was... Sing it down in the octaves so we don't recognize it. No, but if it was like, don't stop believing in this pharmaceutical thing. You know, like that kind of thing. Then she would, then I was so...

Oh, Zempik. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Something like that. And suddenly I'm like like don't stop believing and then they get the client in there and the client's like it doesn't sound right what's wrong and i'm like because i need to sing it the normal way that is so brutal so what happened uh i sang it the normal way the client loved it and the and the engineer and the lady were silent.

They were not, they kept being, it's too high. It's too high. Were they young or old? They seemed young. I don't know because they were just voices in my head, you know, because they were in a studio somewhere and I was in my apartment. So that's Douglas Goodhart. And you'll tell us when it's airs.

Sure. We'll try to get a plate as like the the automatic spotify ad that they force on us yes oh that'd be so fun we had a while where some people were writing and they're saying just you know they're they're advertising um uh hyper right wing coffee brands on your podcast i was like wait what's a hyper right wing coffee do you love freedom do you women? You'll love our coffee. KKK coffee. We are joined by phenomenal comedian, Martin Urbano.

Hey guys, good to be here. How you doing? Doing all right. So happy to see you. Yeah, good to see you. What's happening? I met Martin when I was so, I met Martin at a show where I like had just started comedy. I was so new.

And I thought I was – Matthew Broussard has a line of like I just want to be good at – as good as comedy at comedy as I thought I was two years in. And it feels so – I think about it all the time. And I just thought I was so much, I was at a different level and like I somehow got on a cool book show where you walk in and you're like, there's people in every chair. And it was in Brooklyn and you had like just moved.

And I was doing, I was doing, it was like about a weird porn I saw. Okay. It was like, it started like, you know, the native american term for you know it was it was like it was just but it was like it was like at a regular 7 p.m show some guy doing a bit a bit about a porn they saw and all the twists and turns of the porn and i thought it was great and by the way it's still in my document of like i think there's something here yeah sounds fine yeah but i you were so you were nice to me and i'll never which you're like good like my reputation you're not nice

yeah so it was good i guess it depends who you ask but that's good i remember seeing you at a frankenstein themed bar in oh manhattan yes we probably did shows at, there's the Dr. Jekyll. Dr. Jekyll, yes. Dr. Jekyll's. And there's a sister restaurant. Closed now, I believe. It's closed? I thought. So you would go upstairs and they would normally be like shitty acting shows.

So there'd be all the like, you know. This isn't Jekyll and Hyde's, like the famous Jekyll and Hyde's restaurant. What is that one? Is it? It was, oh. To call this famous would be- Like West Village maybe? Yeah, it seemed like it.

But it was a place called Jekyll and Hyde's that was like- I don't think it's known as the famous. I think it's just, it's there. No, it was like, it's like the equivalent of Bob and Gum Shrimp Company. It's like a movie or a theater-y. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the microphone was only set to whatever they were doing for the show, which means all your lines had a varado on them. Stop it. That's so funny. And, uh, some decent shows. There are some shockingly okay shows in the upstairs room. I don't, I just remember you.

Isn't that fun? I don't remember the show at all. What bit did you remember? What was I, what was I focusing on? That's what your show really is. We just go through his bits. Sure. Where has it going?

Martin Urbano, thank you. Thank you for coming. I already said this. I'm on, I'm on, I started taking Adderall. Prescribed. Today? I, no, it wasn't the first day. I did a couple warmups before I brought it to the pod.

Sure. Let me tell you, it's speed. Is it? Whoa. I mean, I mean, that's, I mean, that's what it is. That's you it's speed is it well i mean i mean that's i mean that's what it is that's what it is and it is for sure it is just a little bit off camera off camera i have states and i'd be like does any wouldn't be funny if i asked if anyone has weed in this audience and that's not legal but you'd give it to me and it's a joke. It's 20 milligrams.

And I feel, have you ever taken it? No, I've never taken it. I wish I had when I was younger. I clearly have ADD. I clearly. Yeah. But I did fine enough in school because I was working so hard

that no one could find out that I was an idiot. And I just needed it to help with reading. To help with reading. What was I doing? Yeah yeah and i i feel have you ever taken adderall no okay okay then let me tell you about it okay i took a little bit one time yeah yeah yeah one night i had to finish a paper for college did you actually work did you feel like it was like well it was like drinking a lot of coffee yeah yeah it didn't really everyone when i tell it they go like well you must have got a lot of things done i'm like no i just like paced faster than normal yeah yeah i got nothing done quicker did it make you feel anxious or did it make you because that's that's what i'd be worried about it's it's like

it's like a buzz through my whole body and like it feels like i could cry but i'm happy and i feel like i feel the world is open with like potential and like, I'm going to get it done. And I have, luckily I have this Adderall to get me through it. Wow. It's scary how fun it is. Yeah. On the other side, my friend gave me Xanax from Mexico, Mexican Xanax. Called?

I don't know what it's called. But I think it's just like a normal brand that she bought in Mexico. Who is she? What a twist to the story. Well, because I have anxiety. I have anxiety, but I've never taken anything for it. Yeah, right. And I'm really afraid to do the dry run, to try it.

I hear you. She was like, just take half and see how it feels like sitting around your apartment. But like having anxiety about taking anti-anxiety medicine is a new level of anxiety. What's your worry about it? I think I'm worried that it will, my heart will start pounding and it'll explode and I'll die.

He has a heart attack fear. I do. I worry about, yeah, yeah, yeah. I worry about health things. And so yeah. I worry about health things. Sure. And so like I worry about like my heart's pounding and I'm going to die. Even though I have no history of heart attack in my family or anything like that. And like all the facts are that I'm okay.

I'm a healthy boy. Sure. But I'm worried about it. And where does that come from? Thanks. Yeah. Well, my therapist thinks it's definitely my mother but definitely my mother the heart attack thing or just anxiety anxiety in general

anxiety in general in fact i dropped my therapist because um it was too much mother talk whoa it was too much mother stuff really you didn't tell me you dropped your therapist yeah i i need to find a new one i just what do you mean tell me why too much it was just too much like it was too much mother stuff really you didn't tell me you dropped your therapist yeah i i need to find a new one i just what do you mean tell me why too much it was just too much like it was too much like everything that i was like feeling or thinking she'd be like that's because your mother stifled you and i'm like i i don't want to keep blaming her yeah for these things off my mom lady like like and and what about exploring it well i mean i agree with you i'm not gonna counter your experience no but i feel like we really think you said you say we talked about this for one session i think we're done no we talked about dad and then a graduation we talked about it for the better part

of like you know of of two or three years sure and like it was just like come on that's the that's the Freudian school what happens if you go to another therapist? And she's like, this is all because of your mom that you dropped your last therapist. Yeah, I think then I would really have to take a hard look at myself. I think I really would. I really would. That's fair.

Have you taken other drugs? Yes. And how do you react on those? It used to be great, but when we did mushrooms... Can you write a prescription after this? It feels like that's the direction this is heading. How about you?

I don't talk about that. But did it make you anxious health-wise when you were on those things? Mushrooms made me anxious. Any legal drug? Yes. Weed started making me very anxious, and so I don't do it anymore. And we recently did mushrooms. And there was so much

laughter and so much fun and in between it i was like uh freaking out it's so funny because i i guess i assume douglas like knew more about drugs because douglas is the kind of guy he just he knows everything you do he's either done a workshop on it or you watch a documentary about it and so so you talk about you're like i in my mind i was like well he's he knows shrooms and i do and you do i've done them a couple times and you know they make you a fucking stress i've done all the research no no no i i know that um i mean i did them when i was younger and a little bit more carefree i think you know and now and now it like really like affects me differently i wish i'd done more drugs when i was younger i'll tell you that i'll tell you that i did a college show recently.

He's interviewing us. I'm curious. Because I think for college, like I am today, but with singing, all I did was practice singing and practice singing. And so I never went out at the time where your body could bounce back.

And I go, man, I wish I had gotten drunk when I could wake up the next day and i'd be like instead of now sure uh i wish i had started smoking weed for social situations so long ago i think if i if i think i think if i smoked weed in high school i would have enjoyed a party interesting and i was so anti-drug messaging was so strong in me and my neurotic Jewish self to not break that rule. Same, yeah. And I disagree with you.

I just think that, I think you might've done it right. I smoked a lot of pot and then suddenly it started making me feel really anxious. And I think, and I've heard that story from other people too. I know a lot about this. I've done a workshop on it. No, no, but like, seriously, I think maybe I like took my allotment,

my allotment of weed. And like, you know, like the fact that you spread it out, now you're enjoying it, right? Like as an adult. Great time. Exactly. And so as a kid, I was abusing it. I was smoking it every day and I was doing it in the morning and all that so as a kid, I was abusing it. I was smoking every day and I was doing in the morning and all that stuff.

And like I was never not high. And now I can't even touch it. It makes me, even if I watch it on television, somebody takes a hit on television, it makes me anxious. Yeah. This is like when I try to get my dad to watch Sopranos. And at first I'm like, I think you'll like this. It touches on every aspect of your life. And he sees him shopping the mom

around retirement communities. He goes, I can't watch this. I can't watch this. It's too close to home. And I'm like, God damn it, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to ask you a question, but I want to say one last thing about my father

because he texted me today. Please. And we have so much in common. It scares me. But he's someone he has like a company a main company that he runs uh scrap metal recycling and then he's the kind of guy who has he probably has a thousand trademarks for different ideas he's wanted to pursue a a a weed brand um uh and today he sent me a he sent me like a purse. And I know he won't listen so I can speak honestly about it.

But like like he must have some scam of like buying cheap purses somewhere and you can put a label on it. And he wants to call it Cerese. I believe it's pronounced Perle. And you know what it stands for? Cerese for her. Cerese for her. And he has a logo that he swears is our family crest, but there's no history of this being a thing.

Oh, my God. Where, as I said, I'm Italian in the sense that we're all African. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. Write that down. Yeah. And it's like, you know, it's a cheap-looking bag that I'm sure. This is a purse.

This is meant for Tova. He was like, give this to Tova. Can I tell you why? I wish I could This is a purse. This is meant for Tova. He was like, give this to Tova. Can I tell you why? I wish I could show you a video of it, but he sent it to me and he wears these bicycle pants. He's never bicycled a day in his life. And he's showing me the purse.

And like, you can see where I used to live through these bike pants. And I showed Tova the purse person she's like oh look at you know it's it's it's a bad it's the bad purse and and with like a metal i'm picturing like it like where the prada logo is it's like serezi per se no it's worse okay it's worse it's like a tag like a big like security tag hanging off just the existing bag and as my dad's showing it off he's struggling to get the clip off because it's a shitty clip and he sent it to you or he sent you a video he sent me a video so he could show me how the clip functioned on the bag wow and couldn't he's got a lot of get rich quick seams huh yeah i honestly think if he didn't, he would have money. But I'm the same.

I'm the same with just a little bit more nuance, a little bit more, not purses, podcast. Podcast, yeah. Towels, cum towels. Cum towels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What merch do you sell? It's a lot of merch now.

There's a cum towel. It's associated with the bit. I know I need to retire it. I know you judge it, Martin. I know. need to retire it. I know you judge it, Martin. I know you. Yes, you do.

Why do you think I do? Why do you think I do? Because you, because I think as, as a, as a, as a great alt comic. How dare you?

But correct. I'm mainstream, but sure. Sure. He's on Kimmel. That's pretty mainstream. Yeah. ABC.

It's about as mainstream as it gets ABC in 2017 and never again by the way they got rid of the stand up comics after his round of comedians that's exactly right not him specifically

but there was like they stopped it Ariel Elias is the most recent one. It's because she had the beer can thrown at her. Oh, wow. That she got a rare kibble stand-up set. But he got rid of them. Yeah.

Even though he owns a comedy club. I'm impressed. I think any good old comedian, especially stand-up comic, gets comedy. And to get comedy, you know the landscape. And if you know the landscape, you know that cum towels, first of all, not the first to do it. Second of all, it appeals to the lowest common denominator of humor. And it leans in so hard. And people come up to me and they go,

well, I'm gonna make this crunchy later. And I go, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh yeah. That's awesome. They say, oh, all sorts of things. You might have something there in terms of like letting a piece of merch that lets everyone else try to be a comedian for a second as they walk up to you.

That sounds like a nightmare. No, but that's what people want. That's what what they want that's what people want they want to be in on the joke they want to play a game you gave them a little game and they get you gave them a little it's like when i do this pedophile character uh-huh okay and people come up to me they're like hey you made a safe space for us pedophiles i'm like ah look ah you're making a joke i think i hope but they like that they like that a lot and obviously i hate that particular version because it's confusing but that's like a fun one because it's innocent it's joyful it's they're gonna go come in a towel later thinking about you it's beautiful has anyone ever sent it

said it and sent a shiver down your spine i have a bit in the hour i just taped where i talk about getting a message and finding out that somebody in my audience was a registered sex offender and I like sat next to I do a bit where I sit in the audience and I sat right next to them and then the lady afterwards was like that. He was an actual registered sex offender. Eight years

in federal just got out. It just got out last year or the year before that. Oh, wow. Yeah. How many before they say all right, second chance. You're off. Eight. How many before they say, all right, second chance. You're off. Eight. Eight years. Eight.

Eight years over. I don't know. It's for life, I'm pretty sure. He's still on the list. He's still on the list. Oh, he's on the list, but he went to jail. He went to jail. He went to federal prison for eight years and then had just gotten out.

That list is forever, right? Yes. Yes. So he was on the list. He was in the audience as a registered sex offender. Yes. Oh, my God. Yeah. So I explore what that means registered sex offender. Yes. Oh my God. Yeah.

So I explore what that means to me. Yeah. Wow. Oh, what, what outside of your act, what does that mean to you? I think I say it in my act too.

It's, that's the one part that I like break, break character a little bit enough. I mean, it made me think about it. I don't know. And I still don't know what I think quite yet, but I'm done with

the pedophile character. I'm done with the pedophile character. Really? Wow. Well, that's like they say that... That's sad. That makes me sad. It was necessary. It was hindering my career actively. There's that study about

satire and how it doesn't really work. That's such a big statement. That's a huge study. There's somebody eating an apple. No, but it's like half the people are watching it going, see, those people are idiots. And the other half are like, exactly right. That guy's exactly right. The Colbert.

The Colbert report was like both sides were watching it and being like, yup. Like it doesn't teach the other side, that doesn't teach the side that's being satirized or whatever.

They don't get it. They don't get it. Sure. And so if, if satirical comedy is supposed to teach the audience that doesn't know and also make us go,

yeah, we know, ha ha ha, he's making a joke. Well, couldn't you argue that the argument for satirical comedy is not necessarily to change minds,

but to give a form of release to the people whose views you might respect? I mean, does that have to be, does satire's only purpose have to be to change? To hold up the mirror. To hold up the mirror. And to laugh. I think that satire's main focus was to hold up the mirror.

Archie Bunker. You were supposed to look at that guy and be like, oh, I'm like that. Jeez, I shouldn't be like that. What about a study? I think you find a study that says no comedy changes anyone's mind. What do you think? Do you really believe that? I don't believe that.

Do I think comedy changes people's minds? Yeah. Or do you think that it doesn't? Or do you, what do you think that it doesn't or do you what do you think about it no i i don't think that's i don't think that's a goal worth pursuing as an artist i think any change any change comes about like like it's it's it's part of the the massive cultural movement that might scoop people up or influence people.

But the idea that your one piece of art or, God forbid, your one Instagram reel is going to sway somebody is a fool's errand and ultimately will lead you down the path of where I think people like Colbert went now, where suddenly you have people dancing as vaccine needles. And now you're truly not even entertaining the people who do agree with you. I would never say anything about the great Stephen Colbert. What about the great Jimmy Fallon? He worked for The Tonight Show. Oh, you did? Yeah, I used to write for The Tonight Show. That's right.

Yeah. How'd you like that? I liked it great. It was fun. How did they like your pedophile character? I bet they didn't use any of my stuff for six months. And then they fired me. Okay, so Jimmy, so what if at the opening monologue, you're a pedophile?

I mean, honestly, I tried. He's doing the thank you note section. He's like, thank you for not going forward to the authorities. I always tried to insert Prince Andrew jokes because that jokes because that was like the one that he like had done before so i kept trying to get one in never could but i really tried to write for that show i legit tried to match his voice and i think i did a pretty good job but i was hired hired as a sketch writer and not as a monologue writer and i didn't know how to write sketches for him can you share some jokes that you thought like, maybe this, maybe I thread the needle here.

In one ear out the other, I just like, I was crapping them out. But I looked back at them recently because I got hired for a job that was kind of comparable. And I was looking through, I was like, oh, this stuff is pretty good. But getting fired from there and them not using my stuff sort of shattered my confidence

into thinking I was a good writer. Until I looked back and I was like, Oh no, actually it's what everybody says about that place and that system. Yeah. What is everyone saying about that place and that system? There's an article about it or something. I don't know. The turnover rates insane for a reason and it's not. And, and, but it's hard not to take that personal when you are there and doing it and

then you get let go. Sure. Yeah. Do you think there's any part of me goes, well, you're not going to get good comedy doing four shows a week period. There's no time. There's no time to really make something. Yeah.

I think a big problem is that he gets final say over everything. And I think if you're also the head in charge of everything and mounting that pressure on you and you don't have somebody just being like, say this, then you're screwed because you're just pulling off. You're biting off more than you could possibly chew. Yeah. My theater teacher said that if you ever see a play that was written, directed and starred same person, it's going to be a terrible play. Written, star and directed. Yeah.

But what about the exception? Mel. Cole's School. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what about the, what about the exception? Mel, Jesus. Coles, Coles, Coles, Coles, Coles.

Mel Gibson, Braveheart. Mel Gibson, Braveheart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean,

I'm sure that there, there are a hundred percent exceptions, but like, I think to your point, it's like, you're biting off more. You can't step back. You can't step back and look at it. Like, how can you direct something that you're in? Oh, I, I a hundred percent agree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think to your point, it's like you're biting off more. You can't step back. You can't step back and look at it.

Like how can you direct something that you're in? Oh, I 100% agree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's why a lot of stand-up comics go bad because our life is so insulated. You know, we're the ones, we have all the facts. Sometimes it's hard to take notes from someone when you're like, well, I've done it for 100 different audiences. I know what works.

And then you lose the sense of like, well, am I making, is this an interesting point or does it just kill? Sure, sure. Ooh. Ooh, these breaths. These breaths hold so much meaning. Were you comforted? Okay, so when you were fired,

were you comforted at all by another comedian I massively respect who did not do well at the Tonight Show? Jeselnik. Uh-huh. He was there for one full year. And it was the beginning of it. At the beginning of it. Two monologue writers.

Now it's a staff. And he left. He left. On his own accord. But that is the difference between the beginning of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and years into the Tonight Show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Different shows,

completely different shows. I think I would have been able to stay as long as I wanted at that time, but now no. The treadmill was going at 15 miles an hour and you had to like jump on like that. Exactly. That's hard, man. Do you ever feel like your taste makes like when you got to the night show obviously a job money security were you excited i was so excited by the money uh-huh god so great it was so good so great it was so good what's what late night show do you respect the most uh any packets out there right now? You're like at midnight. After midnight. And yeah, probably all of them. I did apply to as soon as I got fired from felony, I applied to Gutfeld. Oh, wow.

You're lying. And they rejected me. No. Yeah. Now, I tried to hide my anything political. I was just like, I'm a comedy writer. I do stand up. And I submitted.

If you were on Godfell, it would then attract this like crazy niche little audience to the side that had no political. Oh, that'd be amazing. I'd love. Did you ever see Mike Huckabee? He he had a talk show. He has a talk show. Oh, yeah. And he'll have these Christian comics on it.

Wow. That's how. Yes, yes, yes. It is astounding where there's no turn. The jokes have no turn. Did you share one of these clips one time? I did share one. Yeah.

I mean, it was just, it's so so to call it even soft is wrong it's just like the biggest pivot is like uh you open the fridge and you're like you ate everything when you snacked an hour ago like it's that's that's like it's like write that down it's but that's what everybody's been making fun of jd vance like have you guys ever had a dr pepper this guy knows what i'm talking about when they miss the boat when they go in the liberals are gonna say it's racist it's like no we're not and that wasn't good that wasn't a good one yeah yeah yeah uh i think you could take a heel turn and start writing for a conservative i tried i failed yeah yeah wait i heard a good Christian joke. The tree joke. Yeah. What's the worst part about having sex with Jesus?

What? He's always trying to come into your heart. Oh, wow. Wow. But I heard it can be fun. I like that. I heard he,

it's, he's, he's, people want to sleep with him because he's this hung. Whoa. That's good. Yay. You got one? You got a street show?

Nothing in the tank. Give me more. I like to be an audience member. You do. No doubt about it. So, Martin. I feel like you like being somewhat mysterious. I would say, where does that come from?

You'd be like, I don't know. So I'll just go with the facts that I know. Texas, you're from Texas. I am from Texas. Why do you ask? Who wants to know? Who wants to know? We're in Texas.

Brownsville, Texas. Oh, okay. Are you familiar with Texas? I spent a month in Dallas-Fort Worth. I used to live in Denton for a little bit. Oh, okay. It was right nearby there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How, did you like Texas? I mean, I'm here in New York City now. Sure. I think I like it more being away from it. But definitely when I was there, I was so interested in comedy and alternative comedy and that was just so absent anytime I would go to school at high school and be like oh I'm watching stand-up comics they're like Kevin Hart Gabriel Iglesias I was like no no and they're like that we don't know what you're talking about at all like okay I need to get out of here so then

I moved to Austin and I liked it there a little bit for a little bit. And then I moved here. Were your comedy tastes Alty even when you were like younger? Like what was, what was. Dimitri Martin was one of the first big ones for me. Yeah. Okay. Sure.

Yeah. Um, Mitch Hedberg. Sure. Mitch Hedberg. Yeah. Have you worked with Dimitri? No.

Cause he's, he's back out there. Who? Dimitri? Dimitri. Oh great. Have you? No,

I haven't. Cause he, he took a break. I'm not sure, but now he's, he's, he's back out there. Who? Dimitri? Dimitri. Oh, great. Have you? No, I haven't. Because he took a break. I'm not sure. But now he's on it. I think he's been doing it in the background for a bit. He has like two specials on Netflix that are post Comedy Central stuff. Yeah. So when you were younger, were you a theater kid?

Yeah. Yeah. Can you tell? Can you sing? Not at all. No, not at all. Okay. But you don't kid? Yeah. Yeah. Can you tell? Can you sing? Not at all. No, not at all. Okay. But you don't have the theater.

You don't have what I consider a theater kid vibe. What does that mean? What do you mean? What does that mean? What does that mean? What does that mean? You've been sitting normally the whole, look at this, both the whole time.

We're both singers. We're both singers. We're both singers. That's true. My balls are sweaty right now. Sure. Sure. What was, what kind of theater did you have at school what kind of private public uh public uh it was a very uh bad theater program bad uh school district in fact i remember recounting tales of my high school to people and being shocked that it was abnormal that I, in my senior year of high school, multiple assignments were coloring. Do you guys have that? Senior year?

Senior year of high school, one of your science classes, multiple assignments were coloring? Coloring. Did you guys have that? Was it? Anybody? Anybody? Colored by numbers or did they say they're at the point they can figure out what colors go where by themselves? Yeah, just whatever colors like matched the picture. What kind of pictures are we talking? Like give me a science. Okay, so it was aquatic science. And to be fair, it was the blow off class. Okay.

That is to be fair. But one time the teacher got mad. She was like, guys, not enough of you are coloring the picture. And you need to color the picture to finish the workbook. And if not, I have to fail you. And so we're on just a bunch of 17, 18 year olds coloring in class.

We were markers. We were like responsible enough to handle the markers. You turned it like, show me your hands. Oh my God. What would you get points off for? You make the water just not outside the lines john marco just like the lines of course truly not trying that was i think what was upsetting her about it is that people just submitted it would be blank when you were that

is that is pretty bad though you know like it's your only thing is you have to color this thing and you still don't do it but also it's coloring yeah sure sure did you know at the time it was stupid or did you say oh school is tough this year is this gonna be in the final uh i don't uh i mean i think i knew it was silly but i think stepping outside of it going to college i was like i part of the reason i dropped out is because i was like this is hard and i wasn't not prepared for this at all and i wanted to do comedy that's like the main thing but also i was like if this was like easy if i could just like crap through this sure but this is like actually work i like you get a real math test with like a graph on it and you color it in and they're like crayons and no you have my own scantron yeah um that's so funny all the graphs

are colored that's so funny what kind of theater did you have oh so it was sort of a comparable version of that uh the theater program yeah yeah it was oh so this was interesting to find out also is a lot our we did musicals uh for the for the shows sometimes the big plays were musicals and everything was uh lip-synced wow isn't that fun in is this middle school or high school high school wait so so wait that's why you can't sing you'd say the lines you'd say the lines but then the song would start yeah yeah was it the person themselves singing just recorded an older version or take one wild guess or it was like the it was just the sound track on spotify or youtube or whatever yeah oh my god that's amazing i bet you if somebody has a video you have got to find those videos which i'll try to

find um that i wasn't really a part of any of those ones i'm trying to think there was evil dead the musical i know that that. I know that musical. That was, you'd ever heard of it? No, I've never heard of it. It was right when I was in musical theater,

but it was like cool. Yeah, yeah, Evil Dead, the musical. That's exactly right, yeah. And you were in that one.

I was like in the background of that one. That was like my freshman year. It was a senior play. I mean, surely at some point the track got fucked up or they did the wrong song.

and no, and I'll tell you, it was highly entertaining. Everybody loved it. Really? Yeah. Well, I would rather hear, you know, like, the kids, kids are not great singers. That's true. Generally. That's true.

You know, I can pretend like I was a good singer when I was a little kid, but I wasn't. I guess that's one way to look at arts in high school is actually we don't want to see any of it. Let's just put a movie on. We did an art gallery and we just did reprints of Picasso instead of their finger paintings because they kind of sucked

they printed it though and that's why it's kind of bent on the sides that's so funny you're right John Marco you're right you're absolutely right but I've had to see some shows recently and I was like it's hard

if I could do it in a way that somehow was divorced from cruelty, I would love to like review high school productions or middle school productions like I was Ben Brantley in the New York Times. That'd be so funny. And just like, oh my God. You have to do elementary school.

Okay. That's the one nobody will get mad at. Sure. Yeah, elementary school. And that's funny. In my school, we had this one kid who was very serious he knew exactly what he wanted to be and he wanted to be a critic he wanted to be a a movie critic what a loser kid i'm sorry if that's your dream when you're younger he was he

had a he was male pattern baldness from the like from the very beginning. And he had the largest backpack that he trudged through. He couldn't open his locker for sure. But he used to fucking scathe us. Just like he would- In the school paper. In the school paper. He would tear us apart. Stars or no stars?

No stars. No stars, okay. But mentioning each person by name he's like someone get douglas goodhart a pre-recorded track this was a nightmare truly he was he was mean and like our school also had you know the rare thing where like the theater part the theater uh program was cool so the jocks were doing it too so like you know and he would just rip those jocks apart okay and then they would and then they'd be like oh i'm gonna kill this guy um but he did end

up being he works for the new york times i think and he is a he i don't know if he's still a critic but he is a journalist and and the reason why i um i still want to make fun of him is i ran into him at a uh i was bartending and he was there and he was very dismissive and then did not tip me whoa what was his name? he was like he's always been this kind of like kind of

socially awkward kind of guy and he was very like he wasn't he didn't treat me as if like this is a peer of mine who I know he was like oh, oh yeah, Douglas. So can we get some water? Like he was very like, he was very dismissive. He didn't tip you and he knew you.

That is crazy. And I gave him free drinks too. And I gave him free drinks. Will you tell me the name after Arnold Kamau? I sure will. I'll have him on the pod. Yeah. But he used to.

What if he reviews the pod after this, after this description, the New York Times says a rare podcast review. That's great. There's such a mix. He was so into it. This was high school, right? Yeah, this was high school. There's such a mix where I'm like,

you shouldn't, there's part of me that goes, you shouldn't do that. You shouldn't review the high school shows. And then there's a part of me that goes, when are they going to learn? Are you going to wait till college, show them the real world?

No, and it really- Warring. worrying yeah and it really um it was i think it's good because when you when you're in uh when you're in high school you think you're so great you think you're so good and you have all this like i don't know you have all this confidence that is uh maybe a little too high it's nice to get kicked down a notch. Maybe not at your school. Maybe not at your school. But your peers, you don't need your peers, you don't need your peers doing it.

You need a wise person who's doing it thoughtfully, not some vengeful kid who can't put his fucking backpack in the locker and wants to go like, I want you all to kill yourselves. I think he was thoughtful.

I think he was thoughtful, but he was, he was tough. God, find that review. He was tough. Yeah, I'll find. It's so hard to find people's. I'm doing a new show where I want the guests to always bring on old footage from high school, middle school,

but it's lost to the sands of time. I can only find one show. I would love, now people will have it, but God. I have all of mine. You can see mine. Okay. You can see me play Pinocchio. Whoa.

It's like, why would Geppetto make an 150 pound puppet? I was so large. And your parents were teachers at the school? No, in elementary school. How do you know that my parents were teachers? Because I did research. You really are a very private person. Research how?

I hired a private investigator. I said, what drugs does he do? I said, these pedophile jokes let me full validity retired elementary school teachers oh wow did they teach you at any point or no no but I was in the classroom next door to my mom

when I was in the first grade oh any perks no no I think it was a hindrance actually. Why? Because having your mom in a school is just kind of lame, a little bit lame. Did kids make fun of you for it? I remember one time in the third grade, no, they didn't. But in the third grade, um, you know, so I was like a, a very, uh very anxious child and a very like nervous just. So a lot of my best friends were in the chess team and they were traveling to Nashville for this big competition.

And as they were flying, for some reason they were talking about there's a tornado happening in Nashville or something like that. They're flying over. So I was worried about my friends and I was scared. And on the way to school, the skies were so black with the clouds were so black. I was like, this is freaky. What's going on? Everyone's like, I think there's going to be a storm or something. So we get there.

Now I'm like, my friends are like maybe getting a tornado. And for the first time ever in my life, I experienced hail. So I started raining down from the skies and i started crying and freaking out and hid under the desk and was like we're all gonna die we're all gonna die and they had to call my mom over to take me out of the classroom and uh go and like show me the ice like it's okay like everything's fine um wait how old were you how old was this uh i was 15 years old in the third grade no i was in the third grade however old that is uh i the third grade, however old that is. I know this because sometimes I have a joke where I try to do the age

and there's a lot of Google searches, how old are fifth graders? And I always am nervous that it's in... How old are they? They're 12. So you'd be around 10. Nine or 10, yeah. Nine or 10.

If you think about it though, I mean, your response to ice falling from the sky is appropriate if you've never seen that before. For like a caterer, but well, nobody told me about this in South Texas. We don't, we never got to show anything like that,

but at the same time, everybody else was normal about it. So that's not a good sign. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But look at you now sitting here doing the podcast of stars. If it starts to hail outside,

you have anxiety. yeah of course i think it's so i always see you my anxiety is so frantic you see me pacing you see me punching the air people before i said that that is of any importance they go are you okay and i have to be like that doesn't help that doesn't help why That doesn't help for me to- Why do you talk like that? Because I'm so mad. I just want to bite him and I'm holding it back. No one knows the right way to handle anything.

Yeah, yeah. And you can't expect them to. I can't be mad. They saw me going, they said, are you okay? Yeah, your anxiety is extroverted. For sure. Yes, for sure. I feel like your anxiety, unless you're hiding under a desk, you always strike me as calm. And is that a mask you put on?

Is that how it exhibits itself? I guess so. I'm not doing it on purpose. It's just in my head. I'm in a prison. Yeah. Do you feel massive anxiety before you perform or are you calm or no not before i perform good for you but when i first started i had this thing where i would start gagging and i couldn't

go on stage until i dry heaved to the point of almost throwing up and then i would go on stage and i'd be fine but i never actually threw up there was always there was like a okay that was the end of that dry heave and now I'm ready to go on stage. Where would you do this? In the bathroom or behind the stage or under your shirt? Depending. Yeah, yeah. Just where people can see me for sure.

Oh, wow. God. For like the first year or two probably, yeah. Mine, I always was scared I'd piss my pants. I always was like, I'm going to piss my pants. I pee eight times, ten times before a set. Wow. You, anything weird about you?

Are you just normal? No, no, no, no. I'm going to go perform now. No, no, no, no. It's certainly not. My tummy gets, I get all burpy. Oh. I get like, oh.

And I mean, you've seen me before, Uncle Functions. I really, it's a lot like skydiving or bungee jumping where like the journey up is really scary. But then as soon as I'm on stage, I mean, I'm sure we all felt that way. Exactly, yeah. Very calm and very nice. Not me.

No? I'm anxious the second I start and I keep going. Really? Really. No, it depends. I had a rough college gig two weeks ago. Oh. And it was like, I was not doing well.

Oh, wow. And you feel, I feel so quickly. And it's shocking because you go, I've been doing this for so long. And I know to not take it personally, all these things, these are all freshmen. But in my, I start going faster. I start feeling myself step back. And the worst, and it happens to every comic

when they feel, I think most comics when they feel they're bombing, you stumble on a word that is, you have no reason to stumble on. Like something you cannot hide that you feel that you're not doing well and you stumble on that word. And there is nothing that makes it worse than stumbling. A stumble on a word, you might as well just leave the joke behind. Oh, there's nothing worse.

Especially if it's like a punchline and in the middle you trip and it's over. Dude, one time I was doing a show. I think it was Carmine Comics in the West you trip and it's over dude one time i was doing a show at uh i think it was carmine comics in the west village or whatever yeah uh and it was just this tiny comic book shop i don't know what was going on with me at the time it was like 2018 maybe i literally choked on stage i was like like in the middle of a sentence and i just remember in the back seeing rachel senate and io edibree just like yikes there's just five people and i was like this is the most mortifying experience i've ever had the most famous to me yeah oh why uh there's no recovering from from a choke

choke on stage so you you did you go to college yeah and then i dropped out how soon in a semester but i stopped going to classes after one month and because they were hard they were hard and i was already doing stand-up and i was in i went to a small town called Nacogdoches, Texas, which is in the East Texas, small town and couldn't do standup there. And I hated college and I wanted to go do standup in Austin. That's where I was trying to go the whole time. But my parents said, you have to go to school. You have to go to college. And I was like, okay, well, if I have to go to college, I'll follow my girlfriend because we're going to be together forever. And so I'm going to go to Nacogdoches.

And you guys are still together yeah and we broke up not too long after that yeah yeah was she in comedy too no but she was in theater okay cool and in the beginning and we'll we'll link uh to some of your sets but great musical by the way sorry braggadocious in nagadocious i just really wanted to say it no i want you to write about it i want you to write it yeah i want you to write the full show just i'm the best hit songs like uh i'm better than you um look at me i'm really good do you do you worry that that the critic will go uh what was what was that first song? I'm the Best? Yeah, I'm the Best. You worry the critic's going to be like,

it's kind of like anything you can do, I can do better, but worse. Pregnodosius and Pregnodosius, I couldn't not let it go. Sorry, you were going to ask a question. No, so in the beginning, That's so stupid. Were you, from the beginning of your comedy,

do you hate the word alti at this point i think it's funny to insist that i'm mainstream sure sure sure which you are thank you yeah were you always mainstream or like in the beginning did you have a little bit or were you going up and like people were like i would go up in the in the latino circuit because that's what was available to me in south texas like the big people they would get were the guy blanking on his name but he's in breaking bad he's one of the agents one of the dea agents i want to say it's like steve kazada or something like that yeah he's like the the the second in command to the bald guy yes yes yes and he did and he does stand-up oh i didn't know that i mean no no one did i think uh and so he would he was like the big guy um uh chris katan i was like for my first time opening for chris

katan was he would go down there and everybody else was just kind of like he was on a circuit on the latino circuit very like tangentially because i think he would just do any gig and they were like okay we can like make this our big guy and then the rest are just these people like in this like there's a string of shows that you can do and like especially in South Texas it was like on Wednesday you do McAllen on Thursday you do uh West Lico and then Harlan Jenner Browns or something in that and so I would hop into that doing guest spots because they were really kind to me this guy um the first guy to put me on stage was mario superstar salazar love it mario superstar was there a lot of names like with uh uh like superstar or like the quotes a little bit yeah there was uh just a little bit it was mostly just like um like raymond orta was a guy

did you like any of it did you like did you because when i you know what's nice let me just say one one nice thing about you is that uh you saw me you saw me at some i i have a complex we don't need to address it of of not of like uh, uh, an Alty comic seeing me as hack. It's my own complex, but it's fine. I'll just go ahead and say, I find you to be very impressive, very funny. And I'm a fan of yours. That's very sweet. And he said something along those lines once. And so I guess I wonder when you, when you were on that circuit, did you look at it and go like, Oh, I see this and why that's funny or why that's killing, but I want to do this. and why that's funny or why that's killing,

but I want to do this. I, I've, especially then I was such a huge comedy fan. So I just like loved it all so much. Yeah. I loved it all. Well, that's nice. Yeah. It's a nice, you remember the, you remember,

I remember seeing Ralphie May when I was 13 and it was like, it was magic. It was back when, when you're like, how did that sentence make everyone just explode in laughter? Totally. And he talked about fingering for so long and my mom was there and he did, he had a whole thing of all the different, he's like, you know, you got the frog and the looking for change and he's just crushing and murdering. That's good. That bits up for grabs now, if you want. murdering um that's good that bits up for grabs now if you want i know i wish i wish when i was younger i had uh seen more stand-up just at the time when it was just i wish my mall had a comedy

club me too oh yeah i had to go to san antonio which is about four or five hours north that was the closest main made city that had a club to go and see um julian mccullough you know julian it sounds familiar he had like had a comedy central presents and just like to me i'm just like this is like a famous person shane moss went down to the latino circuit and i got to open for him you know shane moss i i do also yeah comedy central presents yeah yeah that and that was just like i got to open for him and i was like, this is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. How did you do? Fine.

Fine. So what would get me through that is that I liked to do dirty jokes. And so I was like 16 saying like pussy and shit. And like people like that. Tell me what were the jokes? I really, I honestly can't remember, but it was like stuff that was bad. I had a flash of this earlier this week, actually, that I did a bit where I just described my grandparents having sex or something like that. Yeah.

Like I wrote like a short story about like my erotic fiction about my grandparents having sex. I don't think there was any clever twist or turns in it. I think it was just that and just trying to say as many dirty words as possible and then end it with the aristocrats or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. dirty words as possible and then end it with the aristocrats or whatever yeah yeah yeah yeah um were there any along that way that that of like because i think what's so impressive once once once people know what your thing is and they're excited about it and it's you know fine-tuned you do well enough or you kill but like were there any moments where you were like doing your your thing and the audience was like what the fuck is this of course but i think again what saved me is that it's like a 16 year old doing dirty stuff and so as i was figuring things out i think it was actually worse the better i got and the more fine-tuned i got yeah because then i'm like trying to go weirder and sillier like darker some something and people are like now weirder and sillier, like darker, some something. And people are like, now we don't like this. There was like a Valley where that,

where I was just not doing. Did the comics ever give you a note? Like, Hey man, no, no, actually I think comics always really got a kick out of it. I think I was,

I showed promise and I was young and I was such a fan of comedy. And I looked at these people who I think had never had anybody look at them with any sort of like respect. Sure. Just I was so enamored. Like I described it as like I was like doe-eyed. Just like, wow, we're all doing comedy right now. I love comedy. And they're like, whoa, you think I'm like a god.

This is amazing. Yeah. Yeah. And luckily I was a guy. So. Sure. Anyway. Sure.

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Shop at Sephora today. Limitations apply. Must be a beauty insider. See terms at sephora.com for complete details. Interior Chinatown is an all-new series based on the best-selling novel by Charles Yu about a struggling Asian actor who gets a bigger part than he expected when he witnesses a crime in Chinatown. Streaming November 19th, only on Disney Plus. So you just did, you filmed in Texas. Yes. You filmed where in Austin? The Stateside Theater at the Paramount. Cool. How big is it? How many seats does that? 300. Cool. You feel good about the taping ask me how many i filled packed it to the gills half two shows half i know what you're thinking why not one show

i'm thinking the same thing to make room for the cameras the cameras can't you gotta have some room they take up about five seats um but you felt good about it i I'm excited to see it. He clearly did not feel the, no, I'll be, I'll be honest with you. I did not feel good about the tapings.

I thought they were, I thought the first taping went so bad. I hated it. I like had to go off and just like be by myself for a little bit. It was so bad. And then afterwards, like your mom, like my team,

I didn't even see, I couldn't see my, I mean, basically I, I saw my girlfriend, Eliza and my manager, Jordan, my team at the desk uh i didn't even see i couldn't see my i mean basically i i saw uh my girlfriend eliza and my manager jordan and uh the producer one of the producers spencer like had to like come and just and i was just like that was so fucking bad that was so horrible we got nothing usable from that and then it's like it's tough to be that and then also the team that is like

filming it and like put so much work in it is out there and i'm just like i i can't like interact and exactly my god so it was like managing but i'm like i felt like this like horrendous feeling of like i'll quit comedy i'll like not do the second one that's how bad it went uh in my mind you know you know what what that kind of feeling is. How the tape would go, I quit comedy. So for the second one, I like, I like loosened up. I like,

I took a shot with the team and I was just like, okay, let's just fucking, let's have fun with this one. And the second one was better. Still not my favorite. And the final edit, I'm happy with.

Cool. But the first edit, I was like, oh yeah yeah this is even worse than I remember yeah oh you look back and you weren't like oh what was I what was I worried about not at all did we add in the audience track yet

they're like yeah it's at max remember at uncle function when we got the tape and we were like we were like the laughing is not loud enough i i had i had this set i had like one particular bit that i was like so excited to post i was like the mic the camera didn't pick up the audio of the audience laughing i remember it being bigger i mean the the things you can tell yourself forever absolutely oh that's the worst feeling

i think i've said it on the podcast but that's like when the i had the netflix set and for this one they did turn down the audience and tova went to open champagne that day and i said no i don't want to celebrate this oh man what a horrible horrible profession horrible profession. Yeah. Truly. And, uh, but you, so was that the show that you just took to Edinburgh? Uh, I took it there last year and I just happened to go again this year and just like did the show like twice just to, yeah. Oh yeah.

Just to do it a couple of times and try to make money theoretically. Um, I was in a 100 seater. Yeah. Ask me how many I filled. How many? Half. Half. Hell was in a 100 seater. Yeah. Ask me how many I filled. How many? Half. Half. Hell yeah. Half. Two shows. Why not do one? I know. Right. You did. Did you do an EDM cruise? Sure did. Yeah. I remember that. That was fun. That was fun. That was super fun. They were in the mood for jokes. They were in the mood for anything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was so fun. I had the sweet spot. So there was a, it was me and Nick Thune.

So when you think we're trying to book comedy for an EDM cruise, let's get Martin Urbano and Nick Thune. And he was like the headliner and I was like the middle. And there was an opening act, Shelly Kim, a comedian from DC who was just like a regular goer of the EDM cruise and the year before was like, hey, I'm going to be on this cruise. Can I do a guest spot? She did well. They booked her to do it proper this year.

Good for her. And so she opened. That's the toughest job to do 10 to 15 minutes there. I got to just do a breezy, easy 20 and then Nick had to close it with like 40 something. It was awesome. i loved it so much i killed hard i everybody's super nice to me after it's like a 500 seat theater full yes that's what

we're talking about one show i think we're seeing a we're seeing a pattern no no two shows oh sorry but dita von teese was coming up after. So it was like the theater was like packing out during Shelley's set so everybody could get good seats for Dita's show. Sure. Dita? Dita? Dita's show. And yeah, I got to just. But before they got too unruly. It was beautiful. I loved it.

Five nights. I only performed twice. And I got to just enjoy the rest of the time. Yeah, perfect. I went on a cruise a rest of the time. Yeah. Perfect. I, um, I went on a cruise a long time ago with my ex and the, um,

the cruise comedian was, uh, like, like I saw him early and I don't know, we had like a cigarette thing, like, and we like talked a little bit and he was talking about how good the gig is in terms of like, you know, you know, I do two shows and then I'm on this cruise for the rest of the time.

But this guy did, he, he did the Cialis joke. He did like, he was like such a, I forget his name, but like, he was like such a, he wore big pants and he was like, uh, they say, if you get a boner for more than five hours, you should call a hospital. if i take c alice and i and i get a boner for five hours i'm gonna call alice i'm gonna call uh i'm gonna call jenny i'm gonna call all of them that's good i said it wrong i said it wrong i'm gonna see alice i'm gonna see uh i'm gonna see jenny i'm gonna see everybody you know you know it started though i bet you started the way you did it and then as he said it one day he said see see alice i'm gonna see everybody um i'm sure but i remember uh you know like maybe like thinking this guy was great and

then watching the act and being like oh yeah yeah oh you were you were far enough along that it wasn't cool yeah yeah yeah oh yeah no it wasn't cool it wasn't cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, no, it wasn't cool. It wasn't cool. I remember seeing- That joke was bad. And he did so many movements. And it was all about his big pants. He was like, you know, like he'd like, oh, and like the pants would shake. And he would-

That's awesome. Oh, yeah, it was- That's amazing. It was great. It was great. It was great. I wish I could do that. Yeah, yeah.

I wish I could do that. You could. Like a character. I can't. I actually can't. I don't know how to. I don I wish I could do that. You could. I can't. I actually can't. I don't know how to. I don't know how to be funny in that way. I get what you're saying.

Like Tim Heidecker, like bad good. Sure. But then he's, but he's just doing like, he's doing bad. Like he's doing something where he would go up in a club and people would be like, we don't like this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But that's the joke. That's the joke. I am, I guess in a similar vein but i just wish i could go up and just be like see alice big pants sounds like the dream go on a cruise on a cruise make money i bet you i bet you could get there i i think it would be cool too it would be a fun challenge if someone if you felt like you had to if someone said you got to come up with like kind of a hacky act. Yeah. Yeah.

For the, for like, you know, for the old crowd at the carnival, carnival cruise. I really think some people though can like comedy code switch. And I, I don't think I have that. Like, like someone like, oh my God. Oh no. Describe them. Late night, like a true late night writer, master, Josh Gondelman.

Oh, sure. Like Josh Gondelman, like, you know, he had like a viral like Seinfeld today and he writes for the Jurassic Park. Like he can just, he can write in other voices so well. And some people do it on Twitter and it's like the right of danger field joke. And I'm like,

that's crazy, man. I, I, I, if I did it, it'd be so weird. I can only do what I do.

Sure. To a degree. Yeah. Do you want to write for other people at all? No. Interesting. Not, no,

I think it'd be cool to like be a, a conversation in the room but i always think it's so interesting when i go to a comedian i really like if i'm trying to find something specific or i'm like i need this one tag it's not working and sometimes the ideas that they pitch i go what do you not understand what i'm what are you talking about? And it's crazy. It's, it's surreal. But that's like, I think comedic voices, that's how specific they are to who you are as a person. Like he might as well pitch it in a different language. It's so weird. Or you just go like, that's not funny. Maybe I should have specified I'm going for a laugh with it. not funny. Maybe it's just specified. I'm going for a laugh. So speaking of that, I, so I wanted to just, so I, I, I'm working on a new bit where I, um, there's a woman who messaged me, uh, who

said like, I found you cause I was looking up, uh, I was doing background research on your dad who asked me out on a dating app. Oh yeah. And i i ended up finding you i didn't go on a date with him but i'm a fan and and what does your dad think about that i mean i i truly it's pinned on my instagram profile there's no way he's ever seen it if i said if i said as i will again gun to his head what's the name of my sketch team he'd go i don't i don't know nine years dad ten years i'm jealous that rus met him. So jealous. Yeah, I think Russell, yeah. Russell was like, you were cold to your dad. And there was a feeling of, and you know this feeling where I'm like, buddy, you have no idea.

I didn't lunge across the table at him. So the idea that I'm trying to build is I now go to the audience. I'm trying to get jokes out there to help him. You know his dating life okay so i wrote some new ones i pretend to get a paper and i do good act i do good fake reading acting i go okay uh my dad's cock is so big and i give him a go how big is it yeah i'm trying to build my dad's cock or so is so big joke so i've just been walking the streets okay going my dad's cock is so big My dad's cock is so big. My dad's cock is so big. And I think the biggest mapping of it was your mama jokes. Your mama, it's just like, because I think what's so, what I love about your mama jokes is like,

if it's your mama so fat, you know the joke is that she's fat. She's fat, yeah. So the surprise of the joke has to beat that it has to overcome that that's the real funny thing and now I gotta do it with my dad's cock is so big so I did some on the last one and they needed work

so and I have some of my favorite yo mama jokes too do you remember any yo mama jokes? I try to I have some of my favorite Yo Mama jokes too. Do you remember any Yo Mama jokes? I try to... I have one that I don't know if I should say or not on stage. Can I pitch it to you guys? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It's like I don't... I have... People ask me like where my line is. Like where's my line? And my line is fat jokes. I would never make any fat jokes because you see my mom was so fat and everybody would always make fun of her. Uh, they bully her so much. And eventually one day, uh, she, uh,

she killed herself and the police called it a mass suicide, which I thought was messed up. I feel like it's, I don't know if I, I don't know if I can stand by it or not. Cause I think it's funny, but I don't know if it holds up. I, I love it.

I love it. I think comedically it's, I think you should do more. I think you should, you should be, you should be serious about, you know, um, about sad stories that happened to your mama.

You know what I mean? Yeah, like more bullying or something. Yeah. She was sitting around the house. I mean, she was sitting around the house. That's the exact one. Yeah, that's good. Or the one that I was thinking of was like,

your mom was so fat, when she jumps up in the air, she gets stuck. Uh-huh. That's not a good one, but that's the one that I was thinking of was like, your mom is so fat, when she jumps up the air, she gets stuck. That's not a good one, but that's the one that comes to mind. When I was a kid, it was, your mom is so dumb, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's. That's good. Here's another one. This one's on the line.

I do think it's funny. I'm sorry to say, but I'm going to say it. Your mama is so old, she has a separate entrance for black dicks it's good yeah that's good it's a good joke um okay so uh one one that tova didn't like oh this one's good your mom is so stupid she stared for an hour at a can of frozen orange juice because it said concentrate love it classic yeah okay uh no that's that's corny uh i would tell your mama joke but in my religion cows are sacred i can't tell that one because i'm jewish yeah uh your mama is so old she was a waitress at the last supper nah uh your Yo mama's so ugly, her own portraits hang themselves.

I like that one. Tova didn't. Okay. Tova said, what do you mean? So the portraits have like a soul? And I'm like, God damn it. Yeah, don't know. I was so mad.

I was like, you can't. You can't just. You can't make the leap. It's like with musicals. I'm like, just make the leap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yo mama's so old, when someone told her to act her age, she died. That's funny.

No, I was laughing at the reaction. That is funny. That's funny. Did you see these before saying them? Yeah, I said, and still they're evergreen. Okay. Your mom is so ugly when your dad drops her off for work, he gets a fine for littering.

That's a true story. Yeah. Someone said in a video of Yo Mama Joke, said Yo Mama's so fat, she couldn't fit in the thumbnail, which I thought was a funny meta joke. That's pretty good. That's funny. Yo mama's so fat, she left in high heels,

came back in flip flops. Yo mama's so bald, you can see what's on her mind. That's funny. Your mom is so fat, she left in high heels, came back in flip-flops. Your mom is so bald, you can see what's on her mind. I like that. And also bald is newer, so you have less well-trodden ground. So wait, you're doing this, this is like a new obsession because you want to do, my dad's got big cock jokes. But yeah, but I want to like in the voice, in the spirit of your mom. And I think that's one of the things where I can borrow, steal.

Sure. From as long as, you know, that's. Sure. So I had the one that I thought of that didn't work on stage the other day, but my dad's cock is so big he can't take a piss without a spotter. Something. Something. My dad's cock is so big

he can't line his back without alerting air traffic control. My dad's cock is so big he can only jerk off with a flesh lighthouse. That's good. I like that.

I like that. That's the opener. That's the opener. My dad's cock is so big his 23andMe came back 10% hoarse. My dad tried a lambskin condom and there was a national shortage

on shepherd's pie. Okay, good. That's why. When I laugh that hard at a joke, it'll never work on stage. Oh, yeah. There you go. That's a thing I found.

I'm trying to think of one. He can't get hard without a blood bank. When he got married, there wasn't room for him to walk down the aisle. Wait, mine is really dark in my head. But here we go. Let's see if I can say it. My dad's cock is so big. The woman who he lost his virginity to is nowhere to be found.

She just disappeared. She died. She's dead. This is serious. My dad's cock is hoping to get killed a woman. Nowhere to be found. Pulverized. It's fucking dead. Oh my God.

The police are still looking for the woman who my dad lost his virginity to. Okay, here's what. My dad's cock is so old, there's a separate entrance for black dicks. I thought something about like when women finally get to the tip, they stick an American flag in it, like something like a mountain top. Oh, that's pretty good, yeah.

But I can't. If you want to have sex with my dad, you have to have a Sherpa or something like that. Some kind of mountain... Some kind of mountain joke. Something about him lying down. Yeah. Loses his keys and his foreskin.

Yeah, something about erection. This is from a Yo Mama joke. When they had sex and my mom got on top, her ears would pop. Something. Okay. Oh, that's good. But I'm just walking around just going, if it's big,

if it's big, how do you pee if it's this big? I'm trying to visualize. Which ones have you tried on stage? Just the one? The ones I've tried on stage that I've already done are My Dad's Cock is So Big He Can Only Do It, Clifford the Big Red Doggy style. That's good. How does that go? Good. That one's

solid. Like My Dad's Cock. My Dad's Cock. I could does that go? Good. That one's solid. Like my dad's cock. My dad's cock. I could do that as a tag. My dad's cock is so big. I had two more. My dad's cock is so big. Help me.

How big is it? I have my own mic. I don't know why. Oh, my God. Have I forgotten it? It used to be my dad's cock is so big when he gets hard to borrow some of your blood, too. But I cut that.

Oh, he can only take a dick pic with Google Earth. And that's kind of... It's easy enough for audiences to get. Yeah. And then I do the third one. I go, my dad's cock is so big. And then I go, even though he wasn is so big. And then I go, even though he wasn't the best father in the entire world,

and I wish he had gone to more shows when I was growing up and supported my career. My dad's cock is so big. And then I, the one I cut was when I was born, the doctor said I had my dad's baby arm. Wait, what? I thought of another one. I thought of another i thought i like the idea that you know when you

say wow the cock is a baby arm so if someone saw my arms as a baby and we're like damn you got your arms from your dad's cock i can see your dad in your arm based on his cock because it's so um it's a bit of a it's a bit of a leap it's a leap okay I thought of another one my dad's cock is so big one time we were swimming in the ocean and a whale and a whale saw it and the whale was like

even that's a little too much so I think the version and not to say that's hacky but I had a version when he goes in the ocean the whales get jealous sure yeah yeah or when he pees in the ocean it overflows yeah yeah but that just means he has a big bladder not necessarily yeah I don't I think that's enough for audiences to be like yeah I think that's good yeah yeah yeah um well I think he pees in the like the water level rose an inch finally or something like that.

Like that. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Oh, when my dad gets either,

when my dad comes, the economy suffers from deflation or vice versa. He gets hard. There's inflation, but, but it's, I worry the two words, they think you're still talking about the cock and not the,

and if you say economy, they know where it's going. So listeners, feel free to comment. If you have any ideas, I'll credit you. I think you have a lot of great ones in there that could use a little tweaking. Really? Because Fallon didn't want any of them. Let's go to our next segment. This has got to stop.

This has got to stop. This has got to stop. Send those to me also and I'll try to think of tweaks I appreciate that it's fun this has got to stop I'll go first I

it feels very lame and it happens every political season where bands will go Trump came out to ymca and now the band is suing and i go i've never heard of one of these lawsuits ever going through the courts and i go it's it's got to be annoying it It would, it would, it would certainly, wouldn't it suck if you heard how Trump was coming out to your Kimmel set every single rally, but like, there's nothing to be done about that.

You could, if you're a band, I don't know, make a fuck Trump song if you want, um, uh, re re-release the song and have new lyrics that feel catchy that say, fuck Trump,

take all the money and donate it. But there's something about that feels very liberal, whiny, doesn't get anything done actually. And just makes us seem like losers. That is like the, well, we said we're going to sue. And hearing like 10 announcements from 10 bands going, they're going to sue. It's like, no, they're not. It's not going to go through. I don't think that's how music works.

They just play it. And if they get money donated to something and that's it. And that's all of you have the power to do. Yeah. That's why this has got to stop. That's a great point. I just think that there's somebody who's asking them that question because people like the news cycle to have stuff like that.

And so they just ask them and they're like, okay, we'll sue. And then they're like, oh, I don't care. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's more on the journalist reporting all that, which is a lot of things, I suppose. But yeah, I think it'd be cool. Your friend from high school, people like him.

Yeah. What kind of news does he cover? We should look it up afterwards. Okay. Yeah. Put it on the Patreon. Make sure you join the Patreon guys you're right i did good things i didn't i didn't say a word about it join the patreon for bonus episodes uh uh we are recording one uh soon where we cover

the live tour and uh douglas is there we have friends there and it's uh i wasn't invited to the tour but for some reason i'm invited on the recap. Can I be on the Patreon too? You absolutely can. You were invited to play on the New York big show of the tour. Yeah, but I didn't get to travel. They didn't ask me to travel and do the fun part. This has got to stop? This has got to stop. Patreon.com.

Patreon.com. Slash downside. Link in bio. Okay. Mine is, you know, the caravan, between the funeral and the cemetery, you have to go in like the caravan, like riding behind the hearse.

That has got to stop. The caravan after the funeral has got to stop. First of all, if you're watching it and you're in your car and it's going by, it sucks. Life is for the living. I need to get somewhere, like stop it. And second of all, it breaks all the laws just because you have your flashers on.

I was just recently in one and you were supposed to go through lights. And through- When you say caravan, tell me what you mean, because I just so I fully understand. A bunch of cars all follow the hearse from the funeral to the cemetery. And you put your flashers on

and you ride together to the cemetery. It might be a 20-minute drive. And you're in your car and you're supposed to run lights. You're allowed. This is the legal thing. You're allowed to run. The police is there and everything. But not always

And this last one that I was in We were just running stop signs And running lights And other cars were like, oh what And you're like, my flashes are on And someone died How many people have died from Femalepossession

This is a great question It's a fantastic question, Martin. It's a fantastic question. And what I think, the hacky joke of it all is, I think the funerals are trying to drive up more business. Am I right? Oh, that's good. That's good.

They're trying to drive up more business. Write it down. You write it down. Don't tell me to write it down. My dad's dick is so big. My dad's dick is so big, it's like a caravan stops for it. But you know what I mean? There you go. I just my desk got so big it's like a caravan stops for it yeah yeah but you know what I mean

there you go I that's got to stop that's good that's a good take I like that I feel like the people who disagree with that take

are going to be very emotionally charged in their disagreement I think I understand that it's a tribute right you're driving through the streets

you're on you're on a highway and people are like oh someone died. I don't know. It just doesn't seem like let's all just meet at the cemetery like normal people. Just meet there. We'll meet you there.

I don't know why it has to be a line. And it's really scary. It's really scary. If you're at the end of the line, the light turns red and it's like, okay, I'm running this. That's fucking scary. They want everybody to get there at the same time yes you can't stop by for like in and out or something yeah yeah yeah um i don't like it sure i thought about this so hard that's a good one i didn't realize it was like a legal it feels very it feels very american it's like well this is how we mourn you can break the traffic rules for a day.

Martin's right that sometimes there are police that stop in front of the lights so that everyone knows what's going on. But that doesn't always happen. That's wild. It's just like a line of cars all breaking the law. And then I was thinking about these new cameras. They must be, right? These new like stop- They're trying to drum up more business.

There you go. It's all fucking conspiracy do you have this gotta stop this has got to stop uh it's i'm gonna try to phrase it so that it fits within this format sure this has got to stop not calling out celebrities for selling out yes tell me brother have you have you discussed this on the podcast already different versions you know we complained about them all visiting the pope oh so so when did this happen uh like the pope invited uh hundreds of comedians from all over the world and a bunch of you know uh gaffigan of course but then like nine other comedians, your old boss, Jimmy Fallon,

he tried to do the hair, but the hat got in the way. Sing it though. Give it to me. It was... I thought you wanted him to sing really quick. I just wanted him to preach. Hit the track.

So you're calculated in the things that you're public about per se, as we all are. Yes. So be the change you wish to see in the world. Who do you think? What level? Who is it you're dying? Like if you watch TV with me, I have strong opinions

about almost every single commercial that I see. Yeah. Yes. Same. Yes. His is, I should strong opinions about almost every single commercial that I see. Yeah. Yes. Same. Yes. His is, I should have gotten that part. I think that we should make, we should shame them for taking jobs away from middle-class actors. Yes. That's exactly how I feel. And it really is with commercials and it spreads to everything.

It spreads to how you can't say bad things. how you can't say bad things. I saw a clip of a famous comedian, now writer, director on somebody else's podcast saying that, oh, be careful. You can't insult that movie. You never know if you're going to get famous and be with that person. You might know that. And that just blew my mind because this person had just made a terrible movie that I did not like. Unless you guys loved it, in which case, man, I love that movie. And it just feels like we can't be critical of people. Maybe. I don't know. Okay, got it. What did you feel about it?

I wouldn't dare to see it. It was I did not like it very much. And the fact that it's like, oh, be careful because you can't. It's like, no, I think we should maybe be a little bit more dangerous and irreverent and be criticizing things that are bad that come out of culture instead of being like oh maybe one day i'm going to be a buddy buddy with them and i'm going to rub shoulders so i shouldn't it's like no if you're a buddy buddy rubbing shoulders you should be like hey didn't like that one thing loved that all these other things it's okay to insult this one thing uh and we're so clearly like obviously like all things there's a there's a balance to being a a

jerk and calling out but we are so far exactly on this side right now truly because we all want to be on each other's podcasts and whatnot and all these things and it's it's it's terrible the ads is incredible that it used to be robert de niro I mean, this is actors, but like they just wouldn't do an ad. Yeah. They're like, yeah, whatever. Yeah. Selling out fully. The whole plot of what's that Bill Murray movie where they go to Japan?

Lost in Translation. The whole plot of Lost in Translation hinges on the fact that actors were embarrassed to do commercials and so they went to japan or a foreign country to do a commercial that no one would see they'd make a million dollars and then they'd come back and no one would have seen it that's the whole like like thing of that movie and now it's like oh we're fine with it we're just fine if you're a working actor you should not be doing doing commercials. Like a top tier. Exactly. How dare you?

Well, Russell, he's talked where he says he feels like the reason all these big actors are doing the commercials at Brandeis is because we all feel the economic disparity in the world and they want even more. It's just like the amount of money that they want to make sure that that I don't think Mars is coming up, but I mean like when Florida is submerged in water that they can get to the,

they get the drinkable water. Like I think there's a little bit of anxiety with the world in general. I think there definitely is that, but I think that's more the excuse that people have. I think really it's just these people don't think anybody's gonna make fun of them for doing this thing so might as well might as well make a few million dollars off of this day or two of work and because who's gonna who's who's gonna say anything about it people need to say things about it people need to make fun of that uh i saw that uber eats commercial during the super bowl either this year or last year and i'm still incensed about it uh with a diddy do you know what i'm talking about yeah yeah where it's like

and then a bunch of just was goldblum in that one too uh no he wasn't in that one he's doing the different uber and jennifer jennifer aniston too i get they've all been doing it it's insane but the specific one was a bunch of like famous singers, especially like from like kind of like the eighties, repurposing their hits with Uber one or Uber eats in the title of my Uber. One brings all the boys to the yard and they're like Uber one Uber. Don't save me. Something,

something like that. And I just, and that is, and I just, I just said one of these the other day. I had to say one the other day. And that is, and you should be doing it. We should be doing this. Yeah. There's a Wendy's commercial.

There's a Wendy's commercial, uh, starring, uh, this guy, Bill O'Neill, a very, uh,

fantastic comedian, very talented comedian who was in Edinburgh last year. We both got nominated for newcomer and he's in these Wendy's commercials. He's doing a good job. He's doing a funny job. He's doing exactly what that job is. And that money funds him to go to Edinburgh to an arts festival and perform his one hour clown show. That is, you know, how can you do that without having this money on the side? And then these people come out and just trying to make it extra. It's embarrassing. And I think if we had made fun of that commercial, we would have gottendy earlier there you go yeah i just uh just remember when the rolling

stones allowed using start me up for windows 95 oh and people were like fucking sellouts they were so fucking pissed about it yeah but i think also 90s was all about not selling out and now we're we're changing you know like pearl jam was like fuck you we don't even want to be famous it wasn't cool to be famous yeah by the way i'll connect that to my earlier thing about the music where there's a degree where i'm like ab or whatever will be like you can't use your music i'm like you've sold your music to be used for fucking every goddamn thing in the world it's done you you wanted this this is what happens yeah yeah but do you think you could say no to that money you think someone

comes around you're 50 you got three kids i'm just making predictions and uh someone says uh we'll take your full comedy catalog and we'll give you250 million. Meryl Streep doesn't do commercials. Leonardo DiCaprio. These like top, top. Leonardo DiCaprio did do one in China. Did he? That Martin Scorsese directed. They each got $3 million for the day.

Robert De Niro was also in it. Good for them. Okay. I want to see that. That sounds great. I mean, ask me that now. Of course, that sounds incredible. That sounds amazing.

But I'm where I'm at right now. Sure. I'm not a multimillionaire who's selling their face and their likeness to promote this product. And one that really upsets me are these, anything that involves money and people getting money, gambling. Gambling. Gambling stuff. Gambling, Larry David hawking Bitcoin. Yeah.

And you're right in that the only thing that can keep people in line is collective shame. Sometimes shame is so powerful. Absolutely. That's why I never take my shirt off. Shame is so fucking powerful.

If we could take that energy. But like larry david every time he goes and goes to go do his like i'm cranky guy if people said hey no let's talk about the bitcoin thing still you know like that was fucked like people lost millions yeah people lost a lot of money i agree 100 yeah oh yeah i'm so well you should have started with that and i would have been really on your side. Final segment. You better count your blessings. You better count your blessings.

You better count your blessings. Elvis, you want to go? Sure. Cool breeze today. Summer's winding down. I thought it was a really good summer, but I'm also excited to be living in a place where the seasons change and we can feel like a little bit of a reset. That's but I'm also excited to be living in a place where the seasons change and we can feel like a little bit of a reset. That's what I'm going to give you. No jokes.

No stupid jokes. I'm kidding. That's the whole point of this segment was this is sincere. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. So Tova, we had an amazing dinner for my birthday. You great you and and russell

and and then saturday tova was like just keep the night open and uh i have a surprise and she was like don't build it up but you'll it's it's what you want and um i had this awful gig on friday the college gig and she was there and it was like i i let my demons win in terms of being very uh icy and depressed and cold and all these things sure sure and she couldn't give away the surprise because i was just like i suck this material shit i'm what am i doing and so uh i'm i'm gonna be i thought i'll just say it i'm i'm filming something for myself in fe and somewhere. And she just got us a hotel room on Roosevelt Island. And it was a, she called it a writer's retreat and she got a big board and some notepads

and markers and Tova, who's very much my muse and my guide and my preventing, preventing me from just being so insular. We outlined kind of a very loose what what would i want to cover and we got stoned and and chilled and great and then wrote and then uh so she just set up a little writer's retreat for me and it really was you know that's that's what i want she knows you dude she knows me that's awesome that's lovely that's wonderful that's really lovely anything Anything usable? None.

None at all. I go up there. Hey guys, I love my girlfriend. She's the best. Boo. The one time I, so nice,

you know when you're. That's so sweet though. That really, that's very sweet. I love that. I love that a lot. But sometimes when I'm like working out stuff, I'll like work, like there's one time I did it at Gotham

and I did like all my girlfriend jokes in a row. I was just like trying to work through it all and i got off in this old woman she just shook my hand i said whatever she said i uh too misogynistic but good job and i was like oh you marron jesus christ almighty but also like good job it was very strange i mean i've definitely seen comedians where after they're set i'm like what am i supposed to say to you like yeah your girlfriend sounds like a bitch man like that sucks well there's such a line there's definitely i once i remember seeing an older comic where i was like i think you need to leave your wife because you're gonna kill her otherwise just like my bitch wife who was it uh do you have a blessing um yeah i was trying to think of it but i think it's so this past time

going to edinburgh just you know a couple weeks ago i really i've become friends with cool international comedians and they are friends with other cool international comedians and i found myself in a conversation with three people that when i was in high school i was looking up their videos and just being like, one day I'm going to come to Edinburgh and I'm going to, I want to be there, be around this. Cause this is what I like. I'm not where I want to be right now in Brownsville. People don't know what this is. People don't get it. But one day I'll be over there. And I was in a conversation with three of them, just like mind blown. Just like, wow. Cool. Dan Cook did Edinburgh this year.

mind blown. Just like, wow, cool. Dane Cook did Edinburgh this year. Oh, great. Yeah. But you were able to be Cosby's new hours. Insane. It's so good. And he talks about it. Oh, fuck. That's really funny.

Wonderful. So this episode, it comes out September 17th. Is there anything you'd like to plug? Not at all. Oh, eventually my special will be on YouTube maybe in the next couple months, but still waiting to hear back on an exact date. Do you have a title? Apology Comeback Special. Apology Comeback Special.

I truly hell yeah truly cannot wait to watch it me too I'm excited Douglas what would you like to plug you can follow me

at the Douglas G funny songs funny characters and my eyes popping out of my head as usual and when's the

the next uncle function show oh next uncle function show is September we're opening we're doing the UCB opening weekend. September 15th, right? Sweet.

You're in that too. So it's already happened. Hope you came. Hope you came. I will be at Burlington, Vermont this weekend. Vancouver after that. Love that club. And Cleveland after that.

I'm very excited for Vermont because I wrote all these jokes for the Fish Festival and I think they, some of them will work. Okay, cool. We'll see. Because fish is harder there.

I know. I know a lot about fish. I listened to that episode. We'll talk about it afterwards. Join the Patreon, patreon.com slash downside. And are you doing,

you do Stamptown sometimes? Sometimes, yeah. Usually. Usually. Usually, yeah. Especially in New York. You gotta go see Stamptown. We had like three people from Stamptown in a row and uh can i say your bit of course he he comes on and he reviews he reviews the show like as the show's going as it's going on oh nice

and and you said you said some are a line and you know it works but you're coming up with some during the show that's my favorite part, where I have to write something new. It's really funny. It's like you're the two angry Muppets. Yeah, basically. That's great. It's fun. That's awesome.

It's a fun one. It's really good. We ended so sweet. I don't have a funny thing to sign off on. Oh, I got something. Yeah. All right, so I'm really mad. So I got, you know, Jeremy Allen White from The Bear.

The Bear. So everyone's on TikTok has been like talking about the T-shirts that he wears. They're like these really cool T-shirts. They're made in Japan on like a vintage loom that like is like tubular. And so it makes you look cool and look good. And so I decided to buy these shirts and they're really expensive they're in japan and they come and i put my shirt on and i realized that i'm still fat from the shirt i'm still it doesn't make you not fat and i think that they should tell you that i think that they

should warn you that like if you're fat in a haines t-shirt you that i think that they should warn you that like if you're fat in a haynes t-shirt you're gonna be fat in this t-shirt too because it really it it's like i mean i'm wearing it right now it's it's well made oh it's really well made shirt but like i really thought i was gonna be a different person when i put it on like i really got tricked i really and it's not jeremy allen weitzel. It's, it's all like TikTok influencers and whatnot. But I really thought like, I was like, no, I'm going to look good in this t-shirt, but I've never been like a t-shirt guy. The truth is though, you do, you do look great in that shirt right now. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I didn't know this was the shirt you're talking about. This is a great shirt. This it's the undershirt. If I took it off, I see, that's the thing. I just

want to be like t-shirt and jeans, like white T-shirt and jeans guy, but I just can't be that guy. What's the space? I was just trying to think of a, like I was trying to tie it into a, like a my dad's cock is so big. It would look fat in a Jeremy Allen white tank top. This is the downside.

One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to the downside with john marco cerezi