The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #24 Gatekeeping Dads with Ashley Ray

Episode Date: July 6, 2021

Comedian Ashley Ray shares the downsides of going to musical theater camp the day after her dad's funeral, being accused of gatekeeping dads on Father's Day, and shoplifting at 19 with her fiancé while maybe on Percocet? It's funny, it's sad, it's The Downside with (Emmy-nominated) Gianmarco Soresi. Join The Downside Patreon for TWO bonus episodes every month (AUDIO & VIDEO) + the good feeling inside that you're helping to keep this thing going. Watch ASHLEY RAY's HBO set Listen to ASHLEY RAY's podcast TV, I Say w/ Ashley Ray Join ASHLEY RAY's Patreon Visit ASHLEY RAY’s website Follow ASHLEY RAY’s twitter & instagram Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello hi hi you're always surprised that we were starting a podcast well yeah this is the downside uh with joe marco soresi i'm joe marcus oresi i'm here with uh my co-host russell daniels and today very special guest all the way from l.a ashley ray you you may have heard her on tv i say very popular uh podcast that was featured in vulture and the New York Times and currently has a fantastic set on HBO. HBO Max. HBO Max. HBO Max. Come on, I'm not big time yet.

Are these totally different company, like different presidents? Yeah. If you have HBO and you get HBO Go, you do not get access to the hip, cool programming of HBO Max. Like, it's sexier. It's, like, purple instead of black and white. Yes, I see. It's like they're bisexual. You have, John Marco, I've given you my login to HBO Max.

I'm currently using my girlfriend's mom's login to HBO Max. Okay, whoa. Okay, so I'm using... You're using my Amazon. No, no, no, no. What I'm saying, John Marco, is that I have five profiles. I'm allowed five profiles. Right now, you are occupying one of them.

So I've turned away people because of you. So I'm going to get rid of that profile today. Welcome to the downside. You said it. You said it. Hey! Downside. You're listening to The Downside. Theco cerezi okay we're all we're all okay take me off

that accepting submissions like i it says it's it's like it's like me my my wife's uh my wife's my wife's dad i've been to. As a polyamorous person, that's really accepting and I love that. I do think it's funny. It was the dad and you had a Freudian slip. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's true. Her dad, you, my brother, and then my friend Jen. And now I have an open spot.

Yeah. Everyone listening, I have an open spot. Okay. So we're going to move on. I'm having a week. We'll get to you in a second. No, please. I'm having, I am, I am, I am,

I got in a little trouble. I got in a little trouble for a joke on Instagram. And let me say what's fun about, you're a Twitter savant, I would say. And I got in trouble for a twitter joke on father's day well i we're we are definitely going to talk about that well okay we'll get to it russell i said i had a thing because i feel like getting people mad on instagram is so hard but it's so it's so much better because like what's funny is i didn't find

out about it until later like it's it's it's about the algorithm like the way it works where like twitter it builds exponentially instagram it's hard for something like spread so like i had a uh some of my reels the jokes will do pretty well and this was one i did i i'm a musical theater kid and so i talk a lot about uh this rare space i inhabited where being straight was like the minority at the camp like like not not the minority but but like, you know what I mean. And the joke, it's part of like a longer chunk about the first time I was fellated was by a man at musical theater camp because, you know, I was trying things out.

That's what musical theater camp is for. That's what it's for, exactly. So the joke was essentially like, I found out I was straight at musical theater camp because I went to a lot of musical theater programs. That like, I found out I was straight at musical theater camp because I went to a lot of musical theater programs. That's where I found out I was straight because all the guys go in straight, come out gay. But no matter how many of these conversion camps I attended,

I still wanted Liza Minnelli to sit on my face. Thank you so much. We got that on record. She's laughing. Cancel me. So I had seen like, again, it was starting to do numbers days later i saw a couple comments that were like this is a homophobic joke i was like i really don't think so and then and

then i go to my insta story and i'm tagged in like an infographic like uh once you hit an infographic you're like carousel infographic and it says i have it I have it all here. And it's with this like background of like. Oh my God. It's like, oh my God. Like my thought. It's like cracked background, like broken glass. Like you broke his dreams with your set. And it's old too.

It's like, it's been weathered. Yeah. Like he really was like, I took time with my thoughts. Yes. Yes. Like if he had a typewriter and this was like the 17, 1600s, he would have typed up this as a thesis and pinned it to a church door against you. It looks like he sent it to two friends and said,

which font do you think I should use? Which background do you think I should use? And so again, like I just go on Instagram and I see this picture that says, my thoughts after watching Gianmarco Ceresi's quote unquote jokes. And I, you know, immediately a tingle runs through my i'm like oh oh what happened and i so funny because i've been doing shows and i have a joke recently that is like i'm working on it's a little bit i'm more nervous about it and so i had no idea what it was about my mind goes to oh it must have been this joke it must have been this joke. It must have been that joke. And it's-

Which of my problematic jokes. Yes. Then there's so many things to swipe through. Yeah. My intention is not to cancel- First question, how many slides? One, so there was the first, the title slide. Okay.

Then one, two, three. There's a lot of graphic work on that title slide. Yeah. So it says, next slide. Okay. My intention is not to cancel this person, but to let my friends,

family, and followers know how to better navigate supporting queer folks with compassion. For context, I am a 27-year-old queer and gay cis man,

a millennial who was raised Catholic in Southern Virginia. I am white and can only speak to my own personal experience, which carries privilege. My goal here

is to see a bigger picture. Please engage in this conversation if you feel inclined. All righty. One of the classic preface. I actually believe this is how every person should introduce themselves. In every situation, you go to order coffee and you're like, hello, I am Ashley Ray. I am a black girl from the Midwest. It does come with some privilege.

I went to private school. I was raised Baptist. I think that's just how everyone has to deal with it and also the rest of the instagram profile is is like is pictures of him shirtless i'm like yeah we got it we got the white part like right out the gate we saw it i'm sorry but you radicalized him you have you forced him into politics oh that'd be funny if he's like really like turns over a new page yeah he's like he's starting the next new page yeah he's like he's starting the next stonewall now because of you that's me i've got the cause um so uh slide number two i'll start by unpacking why the joke put a terrible taste in my mouth first of all he doesn't

like it assumes that everyone's seen the joke like to even use my name right in the beginning is like people are like who you know well that's what I was saying. I think he posted on his stories the actual joke. Someone shared the story and tagged me. And he didn't even tag me in this. Someone else shared it and tagged me. People aren't reading this without knowing what the joke is or seeing what it is. Yeah. Or, I mean, they've all seen this joke.

It's like your biggest clip. You're so famous now. And that's kind of awesome. Well, that's the mentality I'm trying to take into this okay wow i'll start by unpacking why the joke put a terrible taste in my mouth at first i wondered if he was trying to flip the words gay straight to make a joke of how ridiculous it sounds if you were to put straight people through the lens of the queer coming out experience i'm like baby i just i wish i put this much thought into any of my jokes i literally don't.

I'm so stupid now at the end of quarantine. I like you read that and I was like, those are words like the lens of a queering in the lens. And I'm gay. And I just was like, what? And it's also a 16 second reel. Just to reiterate, it's not a movie. It's not a TV show. It is.

It is. It could be. No. Yeah. I mean, hey, you got a pitch out of this. Just send pitch out of this, just call the movie The Joke. But that's a problem because to come out in this world isn't ridiculous or funny. Not even in an ironic way. It's actually a traumatic, big or small experience that involves transcending fear while also risking your own safety.

I'm not laughing. I've held too many of my queer friends and partners as they've grappled with the aftermath of conversion camps slash church, growing up in a society that actively shames your inner dreams slash desires builds insecurities and toxic thought patterns that require years of unlearning. Again, I agree. Conversion camps.

I do agree. And I'm just just i don't i'm so confused because literally i i have an entire joke about my mom coming out her sending me to conversion therapy like what i i don't know what we're i like it can be funny there can't be funny yeah the thing too is that if you're like the thing too is that what's, you know, obviously, I feel like. Obviously you are a straight white cis man. But that's very limiting lens to be like, it can only be this one thing, which is traumatic. Do you know what I mean?

Because even if it is traumatic, I would imagine it could be a million other things at the same time. Oh yeah, I mean. So it just feels very limiting. Yeah, my family always talks about how I never really came out of the closet. I was just always out of the closet. Everyone always knew like Ashley's kind of gay. My mom was always like, why didn't you like ever sit me down and tell me like,

mom, I'm gay. And I was like, mom, I literally would just like kiss girls. Yeah. Like I didn't think I, and she was like,

I just thought you were like playing around or something. And I was just like, what? I didn't know I had to like, you know, register it with you. You know, I feel like, I just thought you were playing around or something. I was just like, what? I didn't know I had to register it with you. I feel like, yeah, there is a traumatic coming out. And there is a lot of privilege that comes with being able to even come out. There are people who do have to stay in the closet.

Of course. Yeah, that's not funny. But also, we're in this day and age now where people can have these like light funny happy coming out stories you can make rom-coms on hulu about like holiday coming out stories that are cute yes you know it's not this just like one sad narrative of like and then he got kicked out and had to hit the hard streets of new york yeah it's like no we can kind of appreciate this diversity of it yeah yeah laugh at some of it there's one brand your joke isn't asking anyone to laugh at someone who like of course was oppressed by coming out there's one

brand of being offended that i think like gains steam online of it's like oh this topic is is about something that's very traumatic for a lot of people so the topic should not even be involved in the context of a joke of a joke and it's like well that's not i guess i'm like i agree i disagree with your underlying philosophy of like how to engage with the world yeah because like even me is like a i'm a i'm a rape survivor all this stuff and people would be like you rape's never funny you should never and it's like no depending on who's making the joke and how they're addressing the topic i mean i like like Dylan Adler just did like that amazing show. Yeah.

The musical on like being a rape survivor and all that stuff. And like, I just feel like, no people like we're in a day and age, people are smart enough where they can like think about their own experiences and it doesn't have to speak for this whole like issue, but people don't want to think that way. They're like,

no, you made a joke and you are making light of the entire topic. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then, oh God, all right, two left. Oh my God, two left? To add something new to this conversation, his comment on theater education programs

being a place to convert people to homosexuality really stings. And again, like that's the punch, that's the absurdity of the punchline. The joke is this camp was a place that gave them a space to come out they were already gay that's the point yeah but also if there is anything close to the gay agenda it is musical theater camps yes if they're well we're being honest my friend uh i think i brought this my friend rob nanis he's a

producer and we went to musical theater college together. And there was always a question of why are there a lot of gay people in theater? Like, why is this a place that, like, gravitates? And he was saying his theory was that it's an early place where people can, like, express themselves or, like, a community that's, it's divergent from the main sports, like, ethos of a lot of schools. It's divergent from the main sports ethos of a lot of schools. And I think it also breaks down a lot of just typical gender roles and what you do. It's like you can be a man and sing and dance, and you can be a girl like me, a big old gay lady, who was a master electrician. I was going to make that joke, and then I – Well, I'm going to go – of course I was. I was a huge tech kid, okay? I was the kid in the back like okay we got five delights

five delights guys and that i loved it i was so into it i was literally like i'm the general electrician we got to make sure these cords are dressed like i don't want anybody tripping get some gaffers tape for that and it's like you know it was anywhere else my mom would be like put a dress on and go to church and then i could like be in theater and be like, I'm a badass bitch with a wrench and a drill, you know. And that was fun. And yeah, I went to musical theater camp every summer and I would still do tech. And like also that's when I got into improv and comedy because that's like what you do when you're gay. You know, I was like musicals.

No, thank you. But like, yeah, it's like that's. Yeah. It lets you express that. But that's yeah, it's like that's. Yeah. It lets you express that. But that's not like. Yeah, it's. I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with that.

Gay people are everywhere, not just in theater. Prove it. Show me the stats on that one. There is currently one in the NFL right now. Yeah, okay. Theater. Wait. Okay, you got me there. Yeah. Okay. Wait. Okay. You got me there.

That's one. Theater is merely one of the only safe spaces a young person can actually be seen for who they are. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

As hashtag pride and LGBTQIA plus people gain visibility. Oh, he typo. He said visibly gain visibly And become more accepted in mainstream culture. I have concerns. Very funny sentence. As there's more acceptance, I have concerns. I'm afraid that as straight people incorporate pride as another holiday party on the calendar, it's now something that is fair game to make fun of.

Has this person never seen a pride? Sorry, buddy, but it's been 30 years of straight people being like for sure for sure there's also there's a thing where i'm like and again whenever i have a joke that's not about my uh being a white man one of the one of the and this might be like a lazy rule i guess but i'm like would i be comfortable if i was in a room of just the people that I'm talking about? Would I be comfortable in a room with only gay people and say this joke? And the answer with this joke is a hundred billion percent. I've done it.

I've done it at the show. I laughed. I don't. But that's why I'm like. My test is always, would I be comfortable if a super white frat bro laughed? That's for me is my test. I would not feel comfortable in a room of all frat bros to begin with. Jokes or no.

Jokes or no or just trying to grab a beer. Jesus Christ. For me, pride is sacred. If you identify as a straight person, please remember you are a guest, all caps, in our house. Show some respect and understand the amount of shame we have had to overcome.

Making fun of queer folks doesn't get you in on it, nor does it get you a seat at the table. My advice for effective allyship is to simply say, bro, that's not funny. It was never funny. You know what?

I agree with him. I came around to it. Wow. I think actually that last part about how pride and, you know, my favorite pride parade is I would probably go with the Bank of America corporate sponsored pride of Chicago. I mean, I was just at the very uh sacred like capital bank pride in dc uh with kamala who like you know did like a step line uh at pride which i truly felt was

so special uh someone who like has harmed trans women so much just being in our respectful pride it's like what i i like yes pride is sacred but has already been so taken over that it's like what I like. Yes. Pride is sacred, but has already been so taken over that it's like what what are you're fighting this joke when you could be like fighting fighting any other aspect of how pride has been like inundated with like horrible people. Yeah. I feel like you're if you're trying to protect pride, you're you failed, man. I'm so sorry. Like there's literally like a deutsche bank pride float of course yeah i i think what what other than like whenever you see something like this there's i have an immediate and i'm it's this overblown fear of like being

canceled if you want to call it that but it's like you have this fear of like oh someone is mad at me and everyone's gonna agree and no one's gonna no one's gonna take a breath and and even possibly understand and sometimes i'd make a joke where i do maybe i did fuck up but like this was one where i think it's like listen my experience at these summer camps is a unique being a straight guy musical theater like i have stories about that and like i think i'm allowed to talk about that i remember one of you at my theater camp yeah you seem to have a story i thought hopefully he finally came out by now and he finally has realized he got married to a lady one of the funniest there was a uh i'll keep

it loose enough i think it's okay i've seen a lot of men come out in acting classes especially in high school and uh it was this like beautiful moment where like it was a beautiful moment i'm going to make a light of it now but but he it was like it was a romantic scene with a woman and he is acting he was not a good actor either but he was not doing well and he was like i think i'm having trouble because i i i don't like women and like it you know he cried we all hug and we're so proud of you. It was a beautiful moment. And then he goes back to fucking South Dakota. I go on his Facebook.

It's like, so-and-so is now in a relationship with Catherine and they got married. And it's just like, we're like, he came out to us and then he went back. Yeah. Yeah. So it's one of these things where I'm like, it's a feeling of like, how dare you?

I have respect for this community. I've been a part of it in a way that only me could come up with that joke because I went to camps where- Yeah, it's your experience. Like the joke is very based in your experience, not the experience of like making fun of someone who came out or making light of the coming out experience. It's your experience and your joke about you wanting to lies in an alley like okay and in that moment wanting to be yeah wanting to be like hey this you want to fit in i wanted to fit in yeah yeah and it's like if you were making fun of your other friend and being like and that dumb idiot went back yeah then i'd be like yeah no cancel yeah yeah yeah it. And it's just, it's one of these things where I'm like, you think like integration to society

doesn't mean, is it humor is part of it. It's like being able to joke and being able to differentiate like jokes at the expense of and jokes about. Oh yeah. People don't like to use context or think anymore, which I don't, I don't know. It's like, I'll bring it up now. Please, please. Wait, let me say real quick, this is the downside.

I just should say, this is a show, we interview people about the negatives in their life, we celebrate negativity here, we debunk silver linings. Please check out the Patreon if you want full video of this episode, bonus episodes, patreon.com slash downside. And I'm supposed to say that at the beginning. It's a good plug. say that at the beginning good plug but yeah it's a good plug i like we just dove right into it we were like yeah you got canceled

like but um so let's talk about yes father's day this is going to come out a little bit after father's day this was like really good timing uh because you know people probably think oh having so many twitter followers is so wonderful. Like being good at Twitter. Oh, my gosh, you must have so much fun Twitter clout that you use to pay your rent. And it's not like that. It's not. Do you have the tip option yet? No, no.

When that comes. I mean, because I don't think I'll ever get it because honestly, Twitter headquarters personally hates me. Like I used to be verified and had way more followers. And I made a joke saying how many did you have like 36 000 and i changed my profile to trump and since i was verified it looked like i actually was him and it was like the day of the election and trump tweeted like i won the election and then i quote i was like uh you know oh my gosh that was an autocorrect i meant to say i won the erection very lazy joke but I was like SMDH I thought

that was a nice touch they took away shaking my day so they I thought they would just take away my verified badge or like suspend my account for a bit and I was also kind of like I need a break from Twitter this will force me to get off Twitter for like a month okay and so they did that they like shut my account down and I start my managers email them they email VIP Twitter I hit up Twitter and I'm like hey guys, I know I made this joke but Jaboukie, all these other people have done it, got their accounts

Was it the CIA? He did the CIA, FBI His CIA one was it was on Martin Luther King Jr. Day we're sorry for killing Martin. Just because we killed Martin Luther King Jr. doesn't mean we can't miss him. It was so funny.

It was so good. And it's like this thing that comedians would always do, but eventually get their accounts back. But the week that I did mine, there was this Ira Madison who has the Keep It podcast. It was like the week of the elections elections in texas or something and he did it where he like pretended to be beto pretended to be someone on the supreme court like just kept doing it and they kept giving him his account back and they he probably did it six

times and it just reached a point where twitter was like anyone who does this gets banned from the platform yeah and the next day they were just like we just changed the policy and impersonation means you get deleted forever and i was just like i thought i'd get like a month or two but uh okay and uh and and part of this is like look this is the verified system you set up it's this weird classist system yeah i'm verified some people complain that they're not verified and everyone gets the same blue check where no one can tell the difference between like a comedian and a politician and it's like if you don't want me to be able to pretend to be the president it shouldn't be so easy for me to look like i'm the president yeah like why like give him a better badge or something i don't know and there's also there's always like

there's some actor who's like has 25 followers who's verified and you're like yeah oh this is all about knowing knowing the vip twitter email yeah it's like it's the silliest thing and so after all of that and twitter being like no you fuck you were you really they were you upset no i was not at all like it's an important you know you're a freelance writer yeah i think my managers were more upset because they were like ashley you had things that you signed contracts to promote you like oh and like I was up for things and they were like, Ashley, they literally came to us and said,

she doesn't have a Twitter following. So we don't know. And they would be like, no, she did literally look. She did. Like I, they had screenshots saved of my old Twitter following to prove to people

like she had it. They don't care anymore. It's like when people are like, I used to have this many followers. I'm like, well, honey, this is what you got now.

This is what it is. What's happening. And they were just like, oh, well she like lost the reach and all this stuff. And I was like, well honey, this is what you got now. This is what it is. What's happening? And they were just like, oh, well she like lost the reach and all this stuff. And I was like, literally I will make a new account and they will come. And I mean,

that's what ended up happening. But after that, like the Twitter people like hate me now. Cause I'm just always on my other account where they're just like, technically they could ban me at any time because I broke the impersonation rule. You started a new account. Yeah.

Like Ira is not allowed to even start a new account. Like if Ira tries to make one, they will block any email email he uses like he can't be on twitter and they could do that to me but it's not good look i yeah i get i get them trying to figure out rules but unfortunately i'm like sorry you're too powerful in this uh economy in this world that it's a it's to me i'm like it's a public good almost it's it's like banning someone from being able to own property i guess yeah in america and it's like well then how do you expect them to function in this yeah it's it's just like it's such a weird i don't know it's like they want to come up with these rules but then the people they're hurting are

like amazing funny comedians like patty harrison She got kicked off Twitter for the exact same thing. She pretended to be Nabisco. And then at the same time, Twitter will be like, yeah, the Nazis and racists, they're good. Like they can stay on the platform. They're fine. So it's just the dumbest thing. The problems are so deeply ingrained that anything they do is going to be artificial.

Yeah. And so because of all of that, Twitter will never probably give me any perks on my other account like I like I didn't even get like I used to get all of the features like before everyone and now like I just were fleeting yeah I was like I was like stupid whatever and now I got like Twitter spaces like yesterday and everyone's been using it for like a decade basically now yeah so you know I'll probably never get the tip option, but that's okay.

Because after my father's day joke, yes. You know, I, I have a dead dad and I joke about it a lot. As you absolutely anyone with a dead dad's right. Like that's the thing you get from it. You get to make jokes about it. We like,

that's what we do. We've also i'm 30 years old my dad died when i was 14 it's been a while i've had some time to collect really fine-tune these jokes yeah to really figure out the word yeah i i hit all the best open mics and i've got these down and like i honestly i thought this i was like this isn't gonna do. It's the most like obvious hacky, like father's day joke. I was just like, yeah, it was a hacky joke. Thank you. But I was just like, oh yeah, my, my dad drowned when I was 14 saving my brother and sister in a boating accident. But you know, all your dads look like cool heroes too.

Which is like funny. Yeah. And then the next one was just like a picture of my dad and was like thank you dad for winning every father's day i love you which i think you know makes it clear like i'm making fun of all the people who are like i have the best dad my dad's the best guy in the world which i is like my entire instagram feed on father's day is just like sorry to your second rate dads my dad is awesome my dad's so strong so i was like i don't think it a i don't think it's like it's it's it's not a harsh it's not a

mean joke yeah no second there are sometimes i'm like okay your dad died you can you get to say whatever you want you get to say fuck your dad also i said your dads look like cool heroes too like sure it had sarcastic but yeah i mean you know actually yeah your dads don't seem like cool heroes your dads just kind of seem like nice guys who probably listen to you and are you know still alive yeah so maybe maybe hold on to that so enjoy that it's doing well it's getting like i was a little surprised and like like laurie kill martin replied and that's when i was like when a celebrity like you know when a real person like starts to play and then it gets into the wrong audience and that's when you're like oh no and like a bit after that it just like somehow ended up on like i don't even like insane people tweets and dead dad's community like on some

reddit or something because some guy responded with like a gif of a person drowning with a thumbs up and like people were like insane people tweets like in that picture it was like like like like a you know how terminator he dies at the end and he goes in the lava with yeah it was like that yeah and like the replies on my original were all like oh your dad sounds so wonderful i know today's tough but thanks for giving me a laugh let me ask do you like do you do you like that or do you just want people just to do you like when people go like i'm sorry oh actually i hate that yeah even those replies i was like you guys want people just to, do you like when people go like, I'm sorry. Oh, actually I hate that. Even those replies. I was like, you guys, I just wanted to make a dad, dad joke.

Like on the other side where people who were like, would you like to tell me every detail of your father's drowning? Me, a stranger on Twitter. Yeah. Do you want to talk to me about it? We're going to get to that after this for sure. And I was just like, no, what? I don't come to Twitter to like get advice or share my emotions.

I'm here to make a joke. Did you get any like my dad also drowned? Like we have a specific connection. Not even just dead dad. There was one person who was like, oh, my dad also drowned. And his dad was also a Navy diver. And I was like, so was my dad. Wow.

And I was like. Maybe they're diving up in heaven. He said that. He literally was like, he did. He was like,, maybe they're fretting. Maybe they're diving up in heaven. He said that. He literally was like, he did. He was like, I bet they're up in heaven telling joke. And I was like,

sure, man. That'd be like an awkward, I bet if there was a heaven, there'd be like awkward like that. Like you died drowning me too. And like, Hey man,

I, you know, that's the only thing that we have in common. I really just don't feel like we're clicking except we, yeah, we were both in the Navy. We will drown. You know? And so like, like once, That's the only thing we have in common. I really just don't feel like we're clicking except we, yeah, we were both in the Navy. We were all, you know?

And so like, like once it kind of got out of my audience, like my typical thing of people who know this is a comedian and it's okay. It turned into people who were like, is she gatekeeping dads? Is she saying I can't love my dad if he didn't die heroically oh there was one person who said just because you got the luck of the draw doesn't mean you get to brag about your dad and put other dads down as though my dad being dead

and me getting twitter likes is worth having a dad. Like there were all these people who were like, she has to brag about her dead dad for attention on Twitter. Like imagine needing to do that for like Twitter attention. Imagine needing to brag about your alive dad on Twitter. Like shut the fuck up. What are you talking about? People were literally like, I would have thought this was a beautiful tribute to her father until she had to put down other dads.

And I was like, it was never a beautiful tribute to her father until she had to put down other dads and i was like it was never a beautiful tribute to my father the kind of person twitter does not deserve a beautiful tribute to my father this is like this is like someone who's at like a spencer's gifts and they see someone buying a mug that says number one dad yeah and they're like uh excuse me i have the number one dad yeah yeah well you can have the number two mug Oh yeah Literally there are people Who are like How First of all

There was no tone indicators Telling us that your tweet Was a joke So how were we supposed to know That you were not seriously Putting down other dads And I was like Well first of all

There is no You know dad competition It doesn't exist No Our dads are not competing That like So that maybe Could have clued you in

That I am joking Yeah Like And also I don't know all your dads Of course I don't know I just don't know competing that like so that maybe could have clued you in that i i am joking yeah like and also i don't know all your dads of course i just don't know everyone in the world's dad so i i felt like that kind of made it clear that i was like maybe being like i just like just 2 000 comments of people being like well she's weird for gatekeeping dads and she clearly needs therapy and this woman probably has no love in her life because

she can't have relationships because she clearly hasn't processed her father's death just comment after comment and me just being like and then like there were a few people who would like go on these rants of being like and clearly she needs help and then they'd come back and be like i went to her profile and it turns out she's a comedian and she said in the next tweet she was making a joke but i didn't see the next tweet but now it makes sense and it was a joke and it's just like you dedicated time to writing out a full like detailed analysis of my mental health based on one tweet and didn't take the time to go to my profile and look at the part in the bio that says comedian yeah and the next tweet that literally said hey everybody i'm sorry that you all thought this was real. I thought you all knew about the dad competition

since this clearly isn't a joke. Yeah. Jeez. And yeah, it's like I'm still getting tweets like right now. It's like what Father's Day was Sunday. I'm still getting tweets, like people replying to me being like,

you're sick for using your dad's death for Twitter clout. How desperate are you? And I'm just like. What about people who write a book about everything. Everyone's doing everything for Twitter clout. What are you talking about? It's either Twitter clout or it desperate are you? And I'm just like, what about people who write a book about everything? Everyone's doing everything for Twitter clout. What are you talking about? It's either Twitter clout or it's money or it's anything or it's friends. It's like you're,

you're, you're, it's just talking. You can't say anything on Twitter. Cause everything you, I just can't imagine having the gall of saying someone who's dead. My thing is just, if someone told me their dad died,

I just would never be like, okay, well, don't do this with that. Yeah, like don't... Don't talk about this. You might not want to talk about it on Father's Day. I think that when... I have a lot of death jokes, and death is always an interesting topic

because it's like, it's one of those things where it's not necessarily offensive in the way other things can be like, oh, this is racist, or this is homophobic. But death is a topic that's obviously sensitive and everyone has – it's a hard thing that none of us have fully reckoned with, especially in America, nothing at all.

Oh, no. In America, we're just like, no, we're going to figure it out. We're all going to live forever. We're close to this. Nobody is going to die. And it's like, no. It makes people uncomfortable. And I think there's a fear of like don't joke about it because then we'll never be able to treat it with the solemnity uh solemnness yeah uh that it it deserves and part of i try to

understand like what what is it's like i think it's a belief like, well, if you joke about this thing too much, then we'll never be able to take it seriously. And I think like part of my thing is like, look, if you go to a funeral or if you like if your friend dies or if you go to the gravesite or I joke about a friend who died of COVID and he was he was a comedian. And I'm like, look, I joked about it all day long. And I'm like, look, I joked about it all day long. But when I was at that funeral and his brother, like at the end, his brother like held his remains and everyone was in a line and they kind of put their hand on their remains, put their hand on their brother. And I'm like, trust me, nothing I could do would take from that experience. But I think that's what people get scared. I think that's why people go like, how could you make a joke about this tragedy? Because they're like, this is such a horrible thing.

We have to protect like being careful about it or else if I die that way or my dad dies that way, no one will take it seriously. To me, it's just such a weird projection because it's like, sure, you can feel that way about death. But this is a death I experienced. This is my death. And people were like, how do you think your brothers and sisters would feel saying you joke about this? And it's like, well,

I actually know my brothers and sisters. So I can tell you, they saw the tweet and they laughed. They were like, fuck you. Our dad is better than everybody else. He's a goddamn hero. And they thought it was funny.

And, but all these people on Twitter are like this fake concern for people. They don't know where they're just like, but what if your brother and sister saw this? And what if someone else saw this and they got so sad that their dad wasn't the best dad that they cry hurt themselves you need to be someone was like you need to take responsibility for this and i was like you want me to take responsibility for saying i had the best dad i would i would reply i'd be like don't worry i would say it's my name is attached to it i I have taken responsibility.

It's just insane. I would reply like, don't worry, my brother and sister also died drowning a couple years later. I guess drowning runs in the family or something. Actually, that would be really funny. Actually, they both died later. What a goddamn wasted sacrifice, you guys. We told you to stop going. Well, so now that we've, we've talked about Twitter,

if you wouldn't mind taking it to the real world, would you mind talking about you were 14 when this, and how old were your brother and sister? I was 14. I have a brother who is, we're the same age. He's six months younger than me because we have different moms. My dad was a hater. I see. I see. Still a great dad though. She's your hero still. Yeah, still my hero, My dad was a cheater. I see, I see. Still a great dad, though. Cheater hero, still.

Yeah, still my hero, but Papa was a rolling stone. So I had a brother who was 13. He hadn't had his birthday yet, but we're about the same age. And then it was my little brother and little sister who are, how old were they at the time? Peyton was three. My youngest brother was three and my other sister was probably like seven and it was my seven-year-old sister and my 13-year-old brother

who were with him uh and yeah it just it there's what were they doing okay yeah there's this lake in texas uh lake ray hubbard and it's like one of the like just most dangerous lakes in texas like there's always a lot of like just drownings there's these really bad currents uh if you like think about uh when that naya rivera when she died it's kind of like that where it's just like from glee it's like one of the which that when that happened that like triggered me so much i was like oh i know what that feels like and like it's one of those lakes where it's like there are parts where it's pretty safe and like you know you can boat and there are other parts where it's like oh there could be currents you never really know what's going to happen and they were like on what they thought

was a safe part but the boat I guess got stuck in something and like there was one of my my brother I think or my sister was like on an inner tube and it got like stuck in a current and flipped and she they were drowning and he got in and and was able to get them back on the boat and save them, but he couldn't get out of the current himself. And so it was like a search party for days. They called in all these people to search the lake. How did they find you?

Your sister was seven and three? My youngest brother was three. I think he was on the boat. I honestly don't remember if my youngest brother was on the boat, but my 13-year-old brother and seven-year-old sister were. How did the boat. I honestly don't remember if my youngest brother was on the boat, but my 13 year old brother and seven year old sister, how did the boat get back to land? They just find them on the boat.

Yeah. They found them on the boat. They were like, yeah, they were like, he got them on the boat, but like, but how did,

did they just like, someone saw the boat and like saw some kids. And I think like my 13 year old brother, like shot a flare gun or something. And like, Oh my God. Yeah. And wow.

I know this was like, like, I think something and like oh my god yeah and wow I know this was like like I think he had like a phone that he had like left on the boat like one of this is like 2005 so they had like one of those really old phones yeah um and I think they were able to like call and get help and so they start like searching everywhere and actually I was supposed to be with them that day like my dad had been calling me being like you want to it's like fourth of july we're all going like boating like come on but i was angry at him i was like a moody goth teenager who was like dad uh last weekend you said you were gonna take me to houston with the family and you left me on the porch literally it was very sad

he like left me with my bag and like did not come and get me and my grandparents were all mad at him and yeah and i was like fuck you dad like no i don't want to go boating with you and your other kids who you did take to houston yeah i was so bitter so i didn't go on the trip and to this day my mom is always just like i'm so glad that you weren't on that trip because who knows like what would have happened like you know if i had been in there and would you have run to get me out who knows i? I wasn't a favorite. That's like a, which kid do you put on the boat? And so I was in Texas, like at my grandparents' house watching the news and the news is like talking about how this man is missing in Lake Ray Hubbard. And I just was like looking and I was like, mom, they look familiar. I was like mom they look familiar I was like that lady looks

like like my my dad's wife like they look familiar and she was like looking and she was like well no I don't know somebody would have like called us or something clearly but we were we lived in Illinois like we were in Texas visiting for the summer uh-huh and so like we get back home like two days later we go back to Illinois and and my mom checks the voicemails that we have. And they didn't have my grandma's phone number in Texas. So they've been calling us in Illinois to tell us like, yeah, this is your dad. And there's just all these messages. And like the second my mom picked up the phone and like check the first message, like almost immediately I knew.

Like it was like she just looked at me and I could hear I heard on the message there was an accident at Lake Ray Hubbard and I remembered Lake Ray Hubbard being in the news report. And I just like instantly ran upstairs and started crying. Like I just was like I knew right away what had happened. And like my mom was just like shocked. She was just kind of like, you know, they hadn't spoken in a long time, but she was just like, I can't believe this. This this is so crazy we were just down there like you could have been on the oh my gosh and yeah i just like i went straight down to texas i went back uh for the funeral did they did they did they find him they did they did eventually find his body so we were able to like how long after i feel like it was two or three days. Cause that's the thing. It's like this river, like it's a lake, but like the currents are so fast and stuff that he was like miles away from

like where the accident had happened. Like it was just crazy how much they had to search and stuff. And that's why I'm always like, lakes are surprisingly dangerous, you guys. Yeah. In that two or three days, was there like the,

uh, a rational hope of like, maybe he found an island. i remember when what was her name from glee uh yeah naya naya they were like there's a hope you know like she could have like come out on this and there was and also we were like he was a navy diver like my dad was a strong swimmer not afraid of water at all like used to jump off of ships and like was a really good swimmer so people were like he could have like made it here like he could be you know on the other side of the lake like stranded or hurt or something so there was a hope like he could be okay um but yeah they they found him i went right back down for the funeral

which was the day before i was supposed to go to musical theater camp. I'm not even fucking with you. I went to the funeral and my mom was like, look, Ashley, I know your dad just died, but they're telling me they're not giving me a refund on your, they would not give her a refund. And so my mom was just like, I,

I don't want to pressure you, but if you feel up to go into theater camp, maybe, maybe, maybe you should consider it. It would be great. You go into class and you like, you do send in the clowns and you do like the most riveting 17 year old performing send in the clowns.

Like, wow, she is tapping. It was the most like weird camp experience of my life. Like literally I went to my dad's funeral, and camp started the next day. I did not even get to go to his actual burial, because he was Catholic. So one day, we did a wake in the service. The camp's like, sorry, we're figuring out the dance levels.

She cannot miss that day. They were like, if she's not there the first day by start, she can't come to camp. So my mom was like, her dad is literally being buried that day. And they were like, nope. That is crazy. to camp so my mom was like her dad is literally being buried that day and they were like nope so that is yeah i'm gonna call out northern illinois university in decalb right now for doing that to me as a child that's crazy so my mom was like ashley i hate to do this but after his funeral you're gonna have to get on a red eye get back up here and they literally picked me up from the airport in chicago drove me to decal. My mom had a suitcase packed for me for theater camp and they dropped me off

at theater camp right after my father's funeral. Oh my God. And we're like playing like these improv get to know your like buddy games. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Yeah, one, two, three, four, five, six.

Everybody name something you did this weekend. Oh my God. And I was like, well, my dad died now were you like laying it on everybody like were you like i was everyone knew with it how many minutes before everyone knew that your dad had recently died it also was like my one of my good friends from high school went to the same theater camp with me like good like good friend his birthday was the day before mine we were like pretty close so he also knew and he like had gotten to the theater camp early and we went to this theater camp every year so everyone like kind of knew us already and he like went early and like kind of prepped people like ashley's dad died so like

oh my god why is she coming here yeah and he was the one who started the whole like narrative of kind of like well at least your dad was a hero and that's like what everyone that we get camp was saying to me everyone was just like at least he was a hero at least he saved your brother and at least he was a hero like can't you and i would just be like yeah fucking love having batman as a dad i guess like i don't were you singing any like what songs were you singing i'm trying to remember i feel like that year i feel like that year was a big year of me being like i'm doing tech sure yeah yeah i feel like that was the one of the years i was like i don't want to be in any other performances i'm doing tech i like to wear all

black yeah i want to wear all black stand in the dark yeah and also when you were a tech kid you like didn't have to like like you got more free time to just like hang out on because it's a college campus you could like hang out with the college kids and stuff yeah so that's when i was like i'm just gonna like fucking go hang out at the record store and do tech and i don't want and like you know the counselors were kids who were probably in college who were just like niu students and they were all just like yeah ashley you do you do whatever you want they're just like you want to sit for ballet class you sit you sit you don't want to join in you want to skip that that's all smoke that cigarette yeah that's fine put it out on my forehead i literally would like this little town to cal they had uh this place the house where there were like like uh like local

band shows and stuff and one night i was just like i don't want to fucking listen to this show play anymore i'm gonna go to the show and i was i was like 14 and i went lied about my age to all these college students it was an 18 and up venue so it's not like i had to like yeah super lie about my age but i was just like yeah i'm also i go to i go to niu i'm an niu student and they were like smoking cigarettes outside and thought I was so cool. And like the next day, one of the camp counselors was just like, Hey,

I know what you did. And like, you're not supposed to leave campus like that, but like, we know you're going through a tough time. And I was like, you're the fucking crazy people who made me come to theater camp because you wouldn't get my mom or money back.

Those are also the same people that commented on your tweet recently saying, Hey, you know what? You know what? You got to take dead dads seriously. There's something very funny. Like you should write it on pilot about i i just love musical theater camp the contrast of musical theater camp with someone who just and these kids just being like tomorrow yeah like they were all just trying to have so much fun and all this and i'm just sitting there like mixed yeah mixed with the energy of like already

like as a kid meeting new people and doing a thing it's already so i actually i uh dead dad story not my dad but uh i be careful then i know exactly i went uh i moved schools in sixth grade and i didn't know anyone didn't have any friends and i'll never forget this teacher tried to do a really nice thing but it backfired and i'll never forget this teacher tried to do a really nice thing but it backfired and it was just so funny she wanted to she was like oh you know she's like there's another kid who's new to school here too so she like at lunch hour saw i was like sitting alone and stuff she's like i'm gonna introduce the two new kids uh and like put them together and like and i just oh god so she introduces me to this other kid

who's new ish he was a little older he'd been there a little longer than i had but uh she we start talking she's just kind of like facilitating it because it's like two people who are very quiet and shy and um two questions and i was like i was like where did you move from and um he i don't remember what he said but he said somewhere and he said and i was like oh um why were you living there and he's like my dad was in the military and i was like okay he goes and he's dead now and he starts crying and i was like this teacher like is like i'm gonna make these two be friends and he's sobbing at the table and i'm like it's okay and then there was just no chance though that was like do you know what i mean like it was like then i was like taking care of him and i was like oh i just i felt for him and i we we ended up

knowing each other and being friendly um but it was just like one of those things where it was just so this teacher i just love it from those things where it was just so, this teacher, I just love it from her perspective being like, I'm going to do this nice thing. And then this little boy sobbing and then other kids like, why'd you do this to me?

Because I was like, this is my first day. And I'm like, with the kids sobbing, like the new kids are like, what are these new kids doing? You're such a bully. Oh my God.

It's also just like, I think, I feel like my life was so insulated from death i remember we had one guy whose whose father died freshman year high school and you know it's like it's it's so new you go i went to the funeral and i remember like i'm i'm a sobber at funerals like i'm not a crier normally but funerals for sure yeah and like you just don't know you because uh we're not necessarily connected with our grandparents enough or like the community at large. You like don't deal with death and then you deal with death.

Like, really? I think in ideal world, you grow up like my first. It was like putting the dog to sleep. Then a friend's parent died. Then his grandparents are supposed to be like connected to the world. Yeah. And so it was I just remember the whole high school going and it's such a surreal experience Like the whole high school doesn't know how to handle this. Yeah, don't have to treat them. Yeah. No. Yeah

Oh, yeah, my dad over the summer. I came back and I was just like Billy told us your dad Billy was the friend that yeah I mentioned but in that week at the theater camp was so weird because I remember very much being like I'm not gonna cry like I being like i'm not gonna cry like i'm gonna i'm not gonna cry like i can just be here at theater camp and be so strong and just be like yeah my dad died and now i'm here to run lights on your show so why can't you fucking get your lines down like that was me i was literally just like business i was like i'm here i'm doing it i love the idea that all tech kids were theater kids whose parents died.

That's why we like to wear black. I was just like, Stacy, I'm sorry. You can't hear your cue? Because you're so distracted? These are just kids who don't have enough joy to sustain a note for a long period of time. I get so too depressed halfway through. Cue 55.

Cue 56. Dad's dead. Did you you cry did you remember crying i mean that first day when i found out and i remember like when i got back home finally and like my mom and i had this like routine every night before bed where we would like say our prayers together and like you know talk about what we did and the day. She's like, tuck me in. Even when, even like when I was in high school and stuff, we would still do that. And it was like the first time that we did it after he passed and we were like doing the prayers and I like got to the part where I'd usually say like, and God bless like my

dad. And we both just like broke down crying, you know? And I think that was like the first time, like the only other time, but I don't know, I guess I felt like mostly a lot of guilt because like i was supposed to be there that day and i was so mad at him and i was just like this bitter goth teen girl who was like oh my god my dad uh yeah and i also sound like your dad had another fan i mean it sounds like there were a lot of reasons that at that age oh there we had plenty i had plenty of reasons to be upset with my father and that was the other thing that made me mad

about everyone on twitter getting pissed at me because it's like other than that yeah other than like saving my brother and sister my dad was not a great dad to me yeah like everyone was like you're bragging about your dad being so great and i was like no i'm just like no it's way more complicated than that like i love my dad but also my dad would have let me drown if he was worried that it was his life or my life he'd say i have one more it's gonna be okay so yeah and i think there's points for that my dad was married had three kids she did on his first wife with my mom i'm like the love child then he got remarried had two more kids so i'm on that boat is he like the love child. Then he got remarried, had two more kids. So I'm on that boat. Is he saving the love child?

You think he's saving the outside kid? You think that, like, come on, come on. But so, you know, all of that, like his family always treated me really differently. So we always had like kind of a strained relationship. So afterwards it was just like, I just felt all these weird feelings of like anger that I like couldn't forgive him and we never got to forgive each other.

And like, like the sadness of being like, of like anger that I like couldn't forgive him and we never got to yeah each other and like like the sadness of being like just uh you know what if I'd been there that day and the confusion of that and just a lot of emotions that my mother never took me to a therapist for uh she god bless my mom I she literally was just like well she seems to be taking it good she went to theater camp she's fine yeah she's good she's doing her thing like that's so i don't know if this is a trite comparison i always think of six feet under i mean you're a big two i love six feet but one i mean one thing that like rocked me about six feet under that finale was he breaks up with Brenda is her name. He breaks up with her and then he dies. Like, and no one else knows that they've broken up.

And she has to like deal with the fact that his last moment was to be like, oh. But there's something about, it was just such a perfect encapsulation of like unresolved thing i mean that's the last thing you did was have this fight yeah it's like this thing where i was just so angry and then this happens and like like i couldn't be angry but then i still was angry because i was still like angry at like the circumstances and like angry at his family like oh like at his funeral they the pastor like listed all of his kids and didn't name me no how dare they right how right come on okay right you see if i want to fucking make jokes about my dad yeah that is and they like didn't say my name and that was like the only nice thing that my grandma on his side ever did for me was that she like stood up and said and ashley oh my god i was like thank you i'm so sorry and then a bunch of people were like and then a

bunch of people after were like who's ashley and they saw me and i look just like him like i look like spitting in it and they would be like oh okay and it was this whole thing at the like at the repass after where everybody was like oh that's it and that's the end ashley like oh there she is and it was just like this weird thing where like that made me angry and them kind of acting like oh he was more our dad than your dad that like made me angry and so i think just all of that just made me be like i'm gonna go to fucking theater camp and produce the best play this camp has ever seen in decalb illinois and i'm i'm to fucking power through. I just had all of these feelings.

You could have done that one match. The moment you said, I was like, and the show is called and Ashley and Ashley. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, I, I can't, I can only speak for myself, but I do believe that was probably the best performance that, that any session of the NIU theater camp has ever put on. I feel like there was extra heart in it that year I'm sure what it was like what was the show or was it just a song

so it so basically the way the theater camp worked was like there was a improv show a musical show a play uh and then I think even like a spoken word group that would do like a spoken word performance and as tech you had to like do tech for all the shows so you like like you would do like a spoken word performance and as tech you had to like do tech for all the shows so you like like you would be like okay this is the improv people's thing and you'd like move everything on so amazing um and i think that you're the people in the musical i feel like they did something from a chorus line maybe yeah i feel like they did like a chorus line something like what i did for love or something I was just like why are these fucking kids singing this song so badly yes yeah yeah yeah

let's take this is our commercial break Amazon's holiday deals are here so you can celebrate the season early with low prices on decor electronics and beauty perfect for stocking stuffers. And my stocking's looking good. Shop holiday deals early on Amazon now. This episode is brought to you by Dyson OnTrack. Dyson OnTrack headphones offer best-in-class noise cancellation and an enhanced sound range, making them perfect for enjoying music and podcasts. Get up to 55 hours of listening

with active noise cancelling enabled, soft microfiber cushions engineered for comfort, and a range of colours and finishes. Dyson OnTrack. Headphones remastered. Buy from DysonCanada.ca. With ANC on, performance may vary based on environmental conditions and usage. Accessories sold separately.

And we're back. Well, that's... I'm still... I'm just... I'm stuck on this this funeral it just I mean it makes me it's a mind fuck it's like it's wanting to have a time machine imagine I show up at the funeral I'm like excuse me you're an asshole Mr. Priest

yeah and he like he did apologize to me after he was like oh I'm so sorry about that and I was just like yeah I was like clearly they didn't give you your notes I guess before you like what credits to read. I guess they didn't make that clear. Okay. And like,

you know, and my mom, she couldn't come to the funeral. She like, couldn't get back down to Texas. I was just there by myself, like with his family. And I was just like,

this is so weird. And then I get to leave immediately and just get, get on a, get on a plane. Also, I have a very specific memory of wearing a black dress i got from hot topic because that was the funeral yeah because like with the timing that was all i had because i was like this moody golf teenager who had a bunch of

clothes from hot topic yeah why was i was a hot topic kid too yeah i didn't have the uh trauma to warrant it yeah i didn't until then and i i don't know if like if someone can pull those pics i feel like hot topic you gotta find them i found a couple i my mom i think purposely did not take like she i had i had these big big baggy jeans with chains and paint yeah my mom she i remember i couldn't find them one day and my mom later told me years later she's like i hid them they were hideous They were hideous. They were hideous. Yeah.

I had a, like the green plaid with buckles that went all the way down and up. And my mom was just like, I hated those pants. And every time you wore them. And then I got this like black, like, uh, I don't know, Morticia Adams, like dress that had like all this lace and stuff. And I was like, yes, this is me so goth and beautiful and that's what i had to wear to his funeral i look that's why the priest was like okay we're gonna cross yeah i think actually he was like let's not oh my god i think actually he

was probably trying to do me a favor um there's something really funny about uh i can't remember if we've talked about this before but with priests um sometimes if you really go to the church a lot they know things about you but sometimes it's like a mad lib that they just use for every funeral and they just like fill in names and occupation and like a hobby that you did and it's so clear you're watching them do these the not the eulogy but like you're watching them deliver their remarks and then they just like look down at their note to fill in like the little blurbs that they don't know the people and like yeah and he loved gardening and you're like yeah yeah like like it's like yeah it was like i don't i guess like a church they'd been going to but i do actually remember there was a moment that day and that's when i like knew I was going to be a comedian.

And like his like they made a program that had all these pictures of us in it and stuff. And his his like second wife comes up to me and she's like, I want you to know, like he always loved you. He always cared about you. He kept a picture of you in his wallet and like had it until he died. Like he kept that picture of you. We put it in the program. And then she like shows me the picture and it is the most hideous photo of me it's like like one of the worst pictures i've ever taken it was like my second grade like like class photo and i'm literally like showing one tooth and like you like you got to bring a toy with you for like

your picture and most people brought like a doll or a basketball I brought like a battery box from the inside of my cabbage patch doll like not like the like just the blue box that made it speak oh and I'm just that's a crazy prop it's a photo of me just like holding this blue box like showing one tooth like these are the insides we're all machines we're all machines and like my hair is a mess like it's like the one thing where i think my mom i remember my mom being like i didn't know it was picture day that's why she like just grabbed whatever thing and she you have that picture i yeah i have looked for it i've been like like, mom, and I have it in like, because in the program, it's in there. Like there's all these beautiful photos of my brothers and sisters with my dad.

And then there's just one photo of me like. From year seven. The end Ashley, just like, hey. And like, I just remember her being like, he loved you. He kept this photo of you near his heart every day. And I was like, I'm a clown. I was like I'm a clown. I'm gonna be a clown. I'm gonna be a clown for life. I'm gonna be a professional clown. He always

said I need to get another photo of her. This is the only one I have right now. It's the only one I have. I love that photographer didn't like should we let her do this? He had other photos of me. Bring that basketball back. Let's have a little basketball. He also had other photos of me. I sent him other class

photos he had pictures maybe he was like this is how my unique my unique weird little daughter with a battery inside my weird other outside child you know like let me just remember she's the one who's a little different yeah um now i have here you were engaged at 19? I was. After that type of family trauma, who doesn't get engaged at 19? Of course, I would think. Engaged at 19, were you still in the goth phase there? Someone saw the Hot Topic and said, yeah, let me put a ring on this. At that point, I'd moved out of my Hot Topic phase, and I will say I was very much still going to theater camp,

but I was in more of a stoner, hippie phase. By that point i like was like my dad died i'm gonna do drugs hang out with like people in bands go to shows be a cool kid like i like by the time i was in like by the time i was in ninth or tenth grade i had a heavy pill addiction like i was doing like percocet like i was like i would steal it from like my grandma when i'd go to texas and like bring it back and what is percocet. Like I was like, I would steal it from like my grandma when I'd go to Texas and like bring it back. And what is Percocet? What kind of Percocet?

It's kind of like Oxycontin. It's just like a, like a Vicodin. Yeah. And I was like doing Percocet like crazy. Literally like I was in like ninth grade, like doing rails in the bathroom at school. So you would crush up the Percocet. Yeah. And I was like hanging out with older kids and stuff and like going to fish shows and

like wearing tie dye pants. And like that was like kind of the phase of my life. And I think my mom, like I said, she never like got me therapy or anything. She was just kind of like, we go to church. Like I was the secretary at my church, actually. So we had to be there every Sunday. So you were pretty functional? Oh, yeah.

I was like incredibly functional. Like I was like doing work and stuff and still got good grades i always got good grades i always knew that my mom couldn't bother me as long as i got good grades and by the time i hit junior year i detoxed myself i was like i have to focus so i can get into college like that's what matters and i just cold turkey quit what did you go through a fate oh yeah i told my mom i had the my mom thought i had the flu. I was just like, I don't know. I'm so sick. And I was like throwing up and she just thought I had the flu.

And that's very interesting. From an outside perspective, it's that you enjoyed like indulging in these things, but still had the like inner strength to just stop it completely. Like that's an interesting combination of things. I think it's because I mean, also, my mom sent me so all my my other my mom's other kids all went to public school and then for me i was her last one she was like i'm getting it fucking right you're gonna go to private school she like got me into this super goddamn fancy private school with like financial aid a bunch of scholarships like i remember i had to go and do testing there for like six hours to

like win a scholarship to be able to go there. And then, like, she got me financial aid. And I think I was just like, I cannot throw this opportunity away. The pills are almost a requirement for that kind of school. Yeah. Also, like, yeah. Honestly, and I don't think she realized, like, oh, I'm sending my daughter to this school with a bunch of rich kids. Like, all the kids I went to school with were like, I have an elevator in my house and my butler serves me coke like it was like that kind of school where i was like mom you don't understand

these rich kids are crazy like these rich kids do so many drugs and she would just be like no i sent you there because it's a good school and it was also really competitive and i was a competitive kid i was like i'm gonna get the best grades in latin i'm gonna win the english award like i'm gonna start the longest i literally be like i'm gonna i can smoke the most weed like i'm gonna get the best grades in latin i'm gonna win the english award like i'm gonna snort the longest i mean i literally be like i'm gonna i can smoke the most weed like i'll show you guys and i was the only black kid so it was also like that thing where i had to prove myself and be like a black woman has to work three times harder so i'll do percocet smoke pot love fish and get all a's in english and latin you bitches yeah i got three gold medals in Latin did you have a lot of friends okay yeah I so who did you I had my best friend I had one best friend in school and then actually

most of my friends were the people like like I hung out with all the public school kids and like the kids who'd be like let's go to to concerts. Yeah. Like those were my friends. And then within my school, I think everybody was just like, I think for me at the time, I saw it as like that, you know, that 30 Rock episode where Tina Fey like goes back to her high school graduation and she's like, everyone was always so mean to me because I was a nerd. So fun. And then it like flashes back and she's like, cool thing about your mom being addicted to pills, Bethany. Yeah.

She was. She's the jerk and when i look back at the time i was like i went to this school where i was the only black person and it was super racist like there was a kid who like there was a kid who left chicken bones outside of my locker one day and was like can't you do something with that there was a jewish kid in our class they would throw him in a trash can and throw pennies at him and say we're playing put the jew in the can and then teachers would just stand around going very inventive and he would just laugh and be like i love the pennies and the teachers would just be like are

nickels okay yeah the yeah the teachers would just be like oh you're good and so like it was this weird place that was just like odd and racist. So I was like constantly defensive. Like these, I was, I was just always on the defense. I felt like where I had to like strike first before they could be like, like there was this girl who would be like,

you're not allowed to come to sleepovers at my party at my house. Cause black people steal. I was supposed to be nice to her. No, I spent five years making her life hell. It would be hard. Like your version of the tina fey episode would be really agreed it'd be like you did steal the last five sleepovers so

she was actually legitimately worried i mean i was stealing at the time but from stores yeah but that's a me thing that is not a black people thing that's not a black people thing that's i don't believe i should have to pay for toothpaste at walgreens i just don't believe i should ever have to pay for toothpaste it's it goes right in the bag it's i'm not doing it you still do that i i don't disagree i don't disagree at all i'm just terrified i've never you ever taken something no no but actually one time i was at a i was at a wedding i was at a wedding and uh the at a wedding. And, uh, the, one of the bridal party, um, the one,

she was basically, they did the bachelorette the day before. And so I was like, I was doing a thing in the ceremony. I, and, uh, the whole bridal party was late and they're like, where everyone's like,

what's going on? What's going on? And then they came in and they all looked kind of shocked and weird. And like, we knew the bachelorette was the night before. And we're like, what happened on that bachelorette? Anyways,

the morning of the wedding, um, they went to like a Walgreens and one of the, uh, bridal party. She, um, stole,

she, she stole, she paid for some things and then she stole other things. That's a way to do it. And, and, uh, she got caught and arrested.

And, uh, and so, but it was just a funny thing. Cause everyone's like, do you do this a lot? And she was like, no no never did it I just felt like doing it today and she

paid for the more expensive thing I know that's what I think too but it was just so that day because the thing is not a big deal but it was just like then it was like everyone knew because you're going to a wedding and the wedding was

starting late because you got arrested that's kind of bad but you asked about my fiance and like my fiance and i we were like the goddamn bonnie and clyde of our little hometown because we love to steal like we knew all the best stores like beyond just taking toothpaste from walgreens we would go to like dick's sporting good uh and just i i got a pair of my the pumas i still have i stole those when i was in high school you put them on oh my god that was actually one of the scariest steals i ever did so ocean's 11 level sporting good pumas uh i well actually it wasn't that hard because their fitting rooms are like throughout the store like they just have these like little booths you can go in so i just picked up the pair of shoes went in there put the

shoes on and put my old shoes in the box and then just walked out of the store i'm gonna try that uh yeah it makes me nervous and they don't they don't put any things like codes on it now they probably keep the shoes in the back but like you could probably still just be like on harley but then they i don't know but uh my other big steal i never got you never got caught i never got caught i never got caught uh but i got out of the game when like two of my friends got caught and for that and they also were master stealers like us like we all did it together we would literally like have a day me and my fiancee our two best friends we'd like get garbage bags and we would be like we're gonna hit dick's boarding good we're gonna hit the bur and we would be like we're gonna hit dick's

boarding good we're gonna hit the burglars at the mall we're gonna hit the the goodwill oh my god okay but one of our friends worked at the goodwill so he basically it wasn't really stealing so much as he would let us take stuff before they put it on the floor yeah like you know that's but we like had a list like you needed it you needed it yeah i i don't know that's what the goodwill is for like my mom to like never get it so i was just like and she was just kind Sounds like you needed it. You needed it. Yeah. I don't know. That's what the good old story. I feel like it was just like my mom to like never get it. So I was just like, and she was just kind of like, you seem to be doing good. Like, I'm just going to let you live your life. You seem to be doing good. You're always wearing great new shoes.

Great new clothes. Your teeth are so well brushed. You must be getting toothpaste so much. I would come home with garbage bags of clothes. And I would just be like, good deals at Salvation Army today mom and she'd be like those look like brand new Pumas and I just be like yeah good good deals mom and like we the biggest thing I ever got was a London Fog did this like Mad Men collection one year and they did these like raincoats there's like this beautiful like like photo shoot of like Christina Hendricks and these

like red raincoats and I saw it and I was like holy shit i want that uh i went to the bergners they had it it was like 400 something dollars and i was like i want this rain jacket and i like took it into the dressing room and my usual game plan was like i would just kind of take whatever i want go in the dressing room uh most of the time people like would not notice and i would just like put it in my purse like stuff it somewhere i knew no one would find it and then just come out of the dressing room and that day I'm like doing my thing I like took all the tags off this shit like we had tools to take all the stuff off your tools like like like uh plier clips and stuff to take all the security tags off wow it is not hard to do i am gonna get arrested uh they tracked down this coat

we've been looking we've been looking for a year and like get all the stuff off and at that point you gotta dedicate like you gotta go through with it because like someone like someone's gonna come in there and like see all of these like security tags like you gotta just do it and go and so i get the bad like coat it's folded up i get into this big purse I had and the zipper on my purse broke. The zipper on the purse is broken and I couldn't get it closed. And like, this is a bright red rain jacket. And I'm just like, God damn it. Like, how do I get out of here?

And I ended up just like pulling my bag really close to me, like pushing the zipper closed, putting it under my thing. And then just like leaving that store, going to another one and being like, can I use your restroom? And just like going into their bathroom and just like pulling on the zipper until I could get it fixed and get it closed. And as soon as I did, I ran out to my friend's car and was like, we got to get this in the trunk. And he was like, what do you do? And I was like, we can't go back in the burgers.

I was like, I just lifting is nice because look, it's like it's a crime. No one's dead. No, the only people are hurt are what rich people yeah those stores have insurance policies i don't feel bad for burglars i don't feel bad for dick sporting goods okay the goodwill salvation i mean i would say i've donated i've donated a shitload of clothes to goodwill and if if you said, hey, there's this girl, her dad died. Oh, yeah. And she then had to go to musical theater camp.

She's engaged. She's 19. I'd be like, give the clothes to her. She needs these for a moment of joy. Please, let her feel like she stole it. Yeah. So you can understand from all of this, this life of crime my boyfriend and i were living

we started dating when i was like 16 probably uh maybe 17 but like from all of that we like bonded so like we just we like wrote each other letters like you know and we would like go around just like smoking pot and being cool and like we would hang out at diners smoking cigarettes until 2am. Sounds romantic. It was honestly like, it was super goddamn romantic. I like, like, you know, I had friends who were like, you and Jason are like such a love story. And like, my mom was the same way where I think she was mostly happy that like, I seemed happy. And like, there was someone else dealing with me where she was like, Oh yeah Ashley said but like okay she has this and so I think for her she was and she had her own things going on but I think she was just kind of

like someone else is taking care of her I love it yeah and when I was like I don't know we would like write each other letters we were truly like like I don't know we'd watch like Ingmar Bergman movies together and like go on road trips and like when he proposed did he steal the ring uh no uh he he saved up the one thousand dollars he spent on that ring uh it was it was just a gold band with like three rings on it because he was like he was like one is me one is you and one's us together okay yeah i'm trying to get a gift for my girlfriend right now and that sounds to me like a plus oh yeah i mean it was pure gold because eventually when we broke up i did pawn it for weed money of course um so you know i was happy i got 300 bucks for it though i

was like he told me he spent a thousand dollars on this and i got 300 and i spent it on an ounce of did you explain the metaphor to them i did i did I did. And they still were like, ma'am, no. It's like the, I don't know. They're like, okay, do 50. Yeah, they're like 24 karat. But yeah, we got proposed when I was a sophomore in college. Like we, I went to college in Massachusetts. He still lived in Illinois.

We were long distance, which is stupid. Like I wish I'd known that was like someone, that's when my mom should have been like, don't go to college with a boyfriend. But was just like you're so hard-headed you're gonna do whatever you want anyway and you guys say you're in love so okay going to college my favorite freshman year there was always someone who had like a relationship at a different college yeah and like you knew what was gonna happen we all know but my favorite once i was hosting a comedy show and it was like someone they were like dating and he was like oh yeah he's at college and she's at different

college i was like that's gonna work out and everyone in the audience just laughed because we we all like have seen it and we know yeah this is over but the weird thing is we did last all four years i went all four years we didn't break up until a month before i graduated wow i spent all four years of high school only with it like i would only have sex when he'd come to town like i was truly like a good girl about it like we like you know we're into each other and then it was like like a month before i graduated we ended up breaking up and i was like oh god damn i only have a month to like hoe out on this campus like what oh my god what have i been missing out on i could have married

like come here and like found a millionaire to marry and instead i've been dating this like guy from illinois whenever those couples reunited they'd always like be like they're like i saw her yeah we had a lot of sex and it's like well compared to what we have over the year three times a weekend like yeah and it's like i had a hot weekend and like my I did my junior year abroad so I was that was even crazier because I was in Germany and he started going to college in Vermont and then he like came to live with me in Germany and that's when I kind of started to realize like oh this might not be a good relationship for me and that was like the the first time we spent a significant amount of time living together like he came and stayed with me in germany for like three months like his entire summer and like we stayed in this like very tiny

studio small german apartment uh-huh like that was when i was just kind of like oh wait a second what the what am i i could be fucking hot german weirdos yeah do you still speak to this person your ex-fiance uh no no so we had a really bad oh okay we had a really bad breakup uh he ended up like cheating on me he got addicted to meth and like hid his meth use from me i went to visit him on his campus and he was like raged out on meth and coke i had no idea and we were visiting him i we had like two friends from rock we like went to go visit him and like go on a hiking trip and he like was acting weird the whole time i was like bro i can tell you're on coke on this mountain climbing trip which i kind of thought was funny because i was like oh we could all do coke at the top like a

fleetwood mac landslide thing that'd be funny and but then it wasn't because he like was getting angry and was like mad at me and he pushed me like at one point and i fell twisted my ankle oh no i'm like sitting there in the mud like just like broken like i thought my foot i was like what is going on i'm in so much pain and he's just yelling at me about like how i'm ungrateful and all this stuff and i was just like oh you're fully like a crazy like drug addict i see it now like this is the moment where i'm like the rock oh and his friends would like i my friends came in back and got me we like get back to campus and we like ended up just going to a bonfire that night i was like let's just move on like i don't want to make this trip weird for our friends and in the middle of the bonfire like my fiance

disappears and i'm like where'd he go and his classmates were all like oh he's doing meth with the townies and that's how i found out he was also doing meth. They were like, oh, he's over there. With a casual list. I'm like, you know him. Oh, they were casually just like, as he usually does on a Saturday night. He's over there with the townies doing meth. You didn't know this?

Yes, he's wanted to. And I was just like, what? And they were like, oh, yeah. And I was just like, I did not know that. Okay. So we ended up breaking up. He did not really like see it as he thought we were just taking a break but i was like no we're done i'm moving to chicago don't and he would literally

call me and be like well when are we getting back together and like blah blah and i was just like no we're done and then he started dating this girl who was also from our hometown who honestly looked just like me like our friends called her SpongeBob Ashley, or SpongeBob, or Ashley Ray Doodle Pants is what they called her. Ashley Ray Doodle, I'm sure she liked that. Because you know the SpongeBob episode

where there's a fake SpongeBob named SpongeBob Doodle Pants? I do know that. Yeah, so they were like, she's Ashley Ray Doodle Pants because she looked just like me. And he called me one day and was like,

hey, can I get the ring back? I want to propose to her and I'd like to give her that ring. And he's like, you have the exact same finger size day and was like, hey, can I get the ring back? I want to propose to her and I'd like to give her that ring. And he's like, you have the exact same finger size. He was like, once I realized that, so could I just get that ring back? And I was like, fuck you. I pawned it for weed money. And also, if you love this girl, don't give her someone else's ring.

Are you crazy? So after that, I clearly was like, you're a crazy person. I hate you. And I never spoke to him again. He now has to fix the metaphor. He's like, okay, so one of the rings is her, but it's not actually it's her and you now there we go and then the craziest thing is so i've been on this like little tour doing shows and like for memorial day i went back home to rockford for the first time in like years and i'm there to like see all

my best friends like the people I would steal with my homies and I'm just them in jail I mean they are not far off from there I'm living in Rockford as a kind of jail and like we are all hanging out and then my best friend goes Ashley there's something I didn't tell you and I was like what and he's like your ex-fiancee is in town this weekend too and I was just like how do you not just like, how do you not tell me that? How do you not tell me that? And it's like, Rockford is not a big place. Like if someone is in town, you're gonna see them.

And like the second he says it, like 20 minutes later, we're at a bar and my ex-fiance comes walking in and it was literally the first time we'd seen each other since like 2013. Did you say hi? Oh, we said hi. We, uh, not only did we say hi, we ended up hanging out all of us together like the whole night. And like my best friend from Chicago came with me. We ended up going to this gay bar and she like slow danced with him to like her favorite country song. I was like, what is happening here? And he like lives in Southern

Illinois. Now he drives this like giant truck like the most ridiculously big truck i've ever like i was just roasting him for this dryness truck all night like you could fit 10 people in this goddamn truck and he like is giving us rides to get food and stuff and like at one place was like okay you guys i'll buy everyone a round of drinks like on me like it's it's been a long time good to see you you have done i paid for everything for this man for years like when we broke up he owed me thousands of dollars yeah and he's like but i'll get a round of drinks and then afterwards we like go to this place to get food and it was just like one of those like late night like euro places like just

grab sandwiches and he's like they only let one person into order at a time so he was like i'll go in and order what What does everyone want? We're all just like, just get like three euros and like, we're good. And he's like, okay, who has money? And I was just like, are you kidding me? I was like, you go in there and you order those euros and you pay for them for us. Two ladies. Like what?

All the euros I bought you at this same place. Do you, the times I would like dig through my house for quarters just to buy us like cheese fries at a diner like what are you talking about and he was just like i'm not going in there paying for like seven euros and i was just like no you're just you just gotta pay for like two and he was like no give me the money and then i just like gave him five dollars and was like fuck it but i could tell for him it was like a big deal like for him it was a real win like yeah yeah and then our other friend was just like he is so still in love with you like our other friend was just like in that moment when i saw like what that money meant to him i was

like oh god he still loves her he was like you could literally have him if you and i was just like i did get that vibe. Oh, you did. You did. Would it have been fun? No. No? I think sometimes you can't go back to that.

It's also, I mean, I don't know what it is about me, but after all my relationships, I get hotter and they don't. And I would say when I dated him, he, like at our peak, he looks like Evan Peters. Who's Evan Peters? dated him he and like at our peak he looks like evan peters like who's evan peters from american horror story or um yes yes yes mayor of east town uh which i worked on as a vape coach as everyone knows amazing yes uh thank you um he looks like evan peters like when we people would be like he looks just like the guy from american horror story he's so hot and cute like blonde boy and now i would say he looks like he looks like a different character from american horror story he's so hot and cute like blonde boy and now i would say he looks like he looks like a different character from american horror story yeah or from america i was gonna say he

looks like hank hill i that was gonna be my is that he's just a dude who lives in southern illinois and works at a dynamite factory and is like i love farming and you do hank hill impression no so like like usually if you're in a room I'm not paying for that We always try to do some new impressions on here I feel like usually in a room There's one person who can do I never watched that show very much I didn't like it as a kid I always thought it was boring

And then I started watching it in college And I was like oh this is the best show Maybe I should check it out I think it's good watching it when you're kind of older I think you get more from it Are you okay on time uh i have to go to our thing soonish okay so we'll get to our this has got to stop uh this has got to stop this has got to stop wow please i would love to stop talking about my ex-fiancee um did you see that how the segment works it's it's i know i I know, I know, I know.

There's not a lot to explain. Yeah, it's something that's got to stop. It could be a TV thing. It could be anything in the world. Pop culture thing. Pop culture, interpersonal. Some trend, some show, some thing. Yeah, okay, I got it.

Yeah, yeah. One thing, let me just say one thing. I reached out to you that I love so much that you posted was about how like in TV shows, people think that representation in TV also meant that those characters need to be like good examples of people for that community. And like that, that's like,

that's like a perfect example of like what this is. So yeah. Yeah. I am going to go with a TV thing. Something I also was tweeting about. So, yeah. Yeah, I am going to go with a TV thing, something I also was tweeting about. I think TV shows need to stop with this belief that, like, doing psychedelics or shrooms is inherently interesting.

There's been, like, a just, like, slew of TV shows that have come out over the last week where, like, characters do shrooms and it's, like, supposed to be the craziest episode. And you're just sitting there like, this isn't what it's like. Like, I don't, you just got to gotta stop doing this what's one that did it recently you probably do not watch the bold type the bold type the bold type no okay that's absolutely fair uh it is a show on i don't even know what it you know that like fun you probably it's like this channel that's like i think canadian but it's like supposed to be like team programming like it has grownish it has like oh oh oh like good trouble it's like you can get it on freeform free freeform and it's like supposed to be like the oh this is a channel for isons channel i thought it was like a phone company yeah i

honestly could not tell you how freeform came to be yeah like it just was freeform abc family at one point i think it was and then they transformed and originally it was wb before that yeah it's been but it's supposed to be like teen programming and stuff and they have this show the bold type that's about these like three girls who work in media and they're writers and so i watch it because i'm like this is the it's like a dream portrayal of what it's like to work in media. Like in this TV show, digital media is not a dying industry. Like every other day they're like, we just got more money to fund the vertical. And it's like. Our new Facebook video did good plays without even boosting the post.

Yeah. Every, literally that is what like what the actual dialogue is like, is that they're just, there's someone who's just like that viral Instagram post got us 80,000 followers on the thing. And you're just like, oh my God. Okay. All, my God. Okay. All internet. I mean, not to take away from you.

Like, all, so many TV shows just don't know how to handle the internet or, like, how it works. And the narrative function makes it unbelievable instantaneously. I don't envy it, though, because I don't think there's anything particularly compelling about the internet or social media i don't know what the solution is yeah yeah that's another i think the only show that's done it well is i may destroy you like that show does a really good job of showing how social media is like ruining her mind and her life yeah versus like trying to make the social media stuff interesting it's like oh it's a consequence that she has to face versus like this is something we should take seriously and care about as a plot point yeah but otherwise this show is very much like oh my gosh did you see so-and-so's like tiktok

and then they like wanted to make it all like edgy and interesting by having them do shrooms and it's just like i i don't know i felt like no like did no one in the writer's room like actually do shrooms anytime i watch one of those shows i'm just like so you guys just didn't have any interesting ideas for this episode and you were like throwing shrooms do they come out different and they're like oh you know what we should instead of doing verticals on facebook we should do shorter videos seven second videos like vine but a little't think any of that like one of them like kind of realizes like oh she has to quit her job and then one of them realizes she might be an alcoholic and then the other girl like basically her thing is that she realizes she sucks at her job and then

she does shrooms and is like now i have the courage to like face this girl i was supposed to be mentoring and editing and the girl is like look i'm looking at other jobs because you kind of suck as a manager and the lady who just did shrooms is like let me be honest with you i've been on shrooms all day so that's why i'm like this but i hope this honesty makes you want to work for me and in the show the girl is like, I'm so inspired by you being so open. Can you imagine? Your manager's like, I've been on shrooms all day. I'm like, okay, I'm definitely taking the other job. This girl is like, wow, because you were so open, I feel like I can be more open in my writing.

Like, thank you, Jane. And I was just like, no, this bitch needs to be fired. Go to HR and be like, my manager just told me she was on shrooms all day. And like, she's being considered to be like the interim editor while Jacqueline goes on vacation. I think the bold ones out there who watch the show, they're going to know what I'm talking about. Shrooms is too cliche at this point. They need to make it up the stakes heroin. They're like, let's do heroin. Let's, let's microdose heroin.

Just a little, just a little thumb prick of heroin. I was doing it in middle school. Yeah. Come on, up the game yeah it's like there's some good i don't know like that workaholics episode where they do shrooms is good and the broad city one is but just it is something though that yeah it's like it's kind of now we've seen it enough where it's like you're gonna do this because you think it'll be like like oh kooky and like absurd. You think it ups the stakes, but it just... I do like if they do one where someone does shrooms to have that experience, and then they're just as shitty, and people are like, what? Stop doing this.

You're just a mess. Yeah, it's not helping. It's a Tuesday. You're not having fun. I feel like, I don't know, in general, I think TV shows need to get their act together when it comes to drugs. Even pot, like weed in shows, you'll see someone smoke weed and they like lose their minds or like you know they like freak out and like eat a whole like everything in a fridge and it's like no just show me a tv show where someone like smokes pot and like writes an article they have to get done yeah yeah they always do food

things i do like maybe you take one handful of luckyms Is what I do But that's it You don't need to put Peanut butter on it too I do do that I'll just do like It does Oh my god I love a cereal A cereal

Yeah I do I just do a big handful Like Honey Nut Cheerios Like that's where I just Oh yeah He doesn't even smoke pot a lot No not I don't

But I do You know I do I like edibles I was gonna smoke pot right now I know Well you said you were gonna offer I was gonna I thought like You know I like edibles. I was going to smoke pot right now. I thought you were going to offer. I always got it.

I appreciate it. You're almost out of joints. You can see the last one. Your joint collection is stunning. Look internet, this is real. Wow. There you go. There's the one.

The last one again right there um i miscounted the men when it came to me needing weed on this trip how many joints per day do you think you average well i brought 54 uh i gave out six and now i have one and i've been here for a week i mean that's amazing so that's great that's amazing one head and i'm that's uh that's amazing problem giving out joints my dad died of course of course giving out full joints though that's very generous when people give me a joint though it feels like i'm like wow people love it i don't know like i just i i get like a lot of weed because people are like oh you're a weed person like take this yeah so that's one reason why i'm always like i wish that someone had done this for me so i get

to be that person now and And people are always so happy. Like if I met a crowded bar, like I was in DC and this guy was like, you just gave me a whole joint. And then he bought all my drinks for the night. Like, you know, have you gotten the Seth Rogen weed yet?

I have. Is it good? It is really good. Oh, good. It is really good. I, I'm glad his billion dollar company.

I'm sure this like very, I'm glad. I know he was worried about this. I'm glad this rich white man like figured out weed and like, but it is, I hate to give him the credit for it because I hate like celebrity weed stuff. Yes, yes. Like I am the person who's like, I don't care if it's Snoop Dogg's weed. But if there's anyone who really, well, Snoop and him like lived it.

Yeah. I mean, I bought a Snoop, I thought it was a vape. This was a long time ago, but it was like a, where it burns actual weed. Oh yeah. And I never used it, but it was like thought it was a vape this was a long time ago but it was like a where it burns actual weed oh yeah and i never used it but it was like it was snoop yeah like the snoop like pet like thingies like i don't know most celebrities i just like can't care about their like weed thing but seth rogan was the one person i was like i mean i'm a stoner because of pineapple express like yeah that movie changed my life like in 2007 2007 that came out and i was like that is everything i want to be yeah thank you so much again and so like i don't the movie is like scarface for stoners yeah it's like it's like the stoners i'd like to have yeah and so like

i don't like to give white men credit for like being celebrities and having weed lines but his is legitimately good. His, his Indica rain band is the only one I can smoke and still have dreams. And it's just like so Christy and beautiful. And like, I hate to give him the credit because also he said that he would send me some for free and he never did. So this is a call out.

Yeah. Because he made that promise during black history month. Wow. Yeah. And Seth, i'd love you want to sponsor podcasts i feel like we company should totally sponsor yeah um uh yeah for sure um i was gonna say i did have a snoop dogg story actually once i was staying at the hotel that snoop dogg was staying at and it was really funny it was not fancy it was we were on tour for a show

and it was like i think i can't remember what state it was but um he was doing a concert or something he was doing something nearby and the whole it was so funny the whole bottom floor of of the hotel smelled like weed and it was just like this i remember we came in we're like wow like it was like we came into the lobby and we're like whoa like it was like that overpowering and there was this old white couple that was like complaining to the to the concierge and they were like you gotta do something about the smell like they were just like complaining the whole time like they were so mad and they're like we don't know what to do we're trying to track it down you know and who who is it we're trying to figure it out like and so anyways

the moment that this old white couple left the the guy turns to me at the desk and he goes, Snoop Dogg's staying here. And it was just so funny because I overheard him be like, we don't know, we're trying to track it down. And then his tour bus was out front. He's like, we're trying to. He's like, Snoop Dogg's staying here. Just whispered it to me and winked.

And I was like, okay. Oh my God. i love as they're complaining snoop comes out of the room and looks like that charlie brown character with all like the dirt around him is just smoke yeah yeah that's how my sister got a joint from snoop to get a concert once at the university of miami wow yeah that's the dream you should you'll smoke with snoop someday i imagine if this continues to yeah it's like i mean i never thought in my life i'd get to like smoke with seth rogan and like get to talk to continues to yeah it's like i mean i never thought in my life i'd get to like smoke with seth rogan and like get to talk to him and yeah he's my mentor now i claim

that like he he is if i say it then he has to be he has to accept it yeah but like he did my podcast he's the nicest guy yeah it's like i want you to smoke snoop under the table i feel like i could honestly i feel like i could smoke him seth all all of them. Really? I really do believe. I believe it too. I do too. Yeah. I'm putting out the challenge, Snoop Dogg. Yes. Thanks.

You heard it here. You heard it here. Also, thanks for listening. I know you're an early adopter of the downside and we really appreciate it. We'd love to have you on, frankly. Yeah. All right. Now we go to.

You better count your blessings. This is a segment where we say one thing we're grateful for. Russell, do you have one? I do. I do. So I've been, like, New York is open. I've gone to dinner the last two nights. It's been so nice.

The weather's been nice. Well, it rained last night. But after it rained, it was beautiful. And it's just been nice to just walk in and be like oh there's i'm sitting in a restaurant and it was slowly happening but now i feel like it's almost gone to the other side where i'm like i'm spending too much money i'm like i'm like money is for sure i've like i'm it's too like i'm a little stressed out but it's been really nice to be like going into restaurants and eating food and like just having a real nice new york experience so that's what i've been thankful for this week that's wonderful i uh i had a very specific one i i uh headlined spokane comedy club over the weekend

nightmare traveled the plane had to go back to newark because of a medical emergency almost missed my two two friday night shows It was the first, very, very, very stressful. Alaska Airlines, fuck you. But then I got there. I got my bag late. I'm trying to film something at one of the NACA college. This is a big college conference for standup comics. It's kind of one of the few pipelines

to get a lot of high paying gigs. One piece of my tripod, I left at home. I'm in Spokane washington i there's not there's no film places so i found a place i thought it was a store i called and it was just this dude who owns a production company and he was like he was like well try the best buy if not call me back ultimately he drove over in a motorcycle lent me a a tripod for the weekend. I've got my set for NACA. That's so nice.

And he was like, and he works, his name's Greg Ritchie, Spokane Grip and Lighting. And more than that, like he was like, oh yeah, before the pandemic, I was working on Taylor Tomlinson special. Like he works on comedy specials. That's amazing. That's so nice. And he lent it to me, Greg Ritchie. And he was like, yeah, I'm just going to go back and build and build in an airplane he was like he was like one of these men he's built he builds

yeah and then he picked it up and he was just i mean like the thought of someone like taking the time to bring me a tripod for no money to let me film was was just such a sweet yeah thing and it really made me realize that you'm not in New York City. I cannot imagine calling up Guitar Center. Hey guys, could you swing by? Spokane Comedy Club, also great comedy club.

This is a headline Skyline Comedy Club. It's part of the same sister club. Got a card at the end of the night. The staff writes some of their favorite bits and they're just so sweet. One of the best comedy clubs in the country. I love that. So thank you.

I love that. And do you have a blessing to take us out? Yeah, I mean, let's be real. I'm so grateful I sold out Union Hall this week. What a wonderful achievement. Yeah, that just feels good. My special is on HBO Max Friday, but it is on their IGTV and YouTube now, I guess. It's a weird rollout because they don't treat Pride seriously.

HBO. HBO. HBO Max. But it will be, I think, on the app Friday. So I'm grateful for that. But honestly, this conversation, I don't get a lot of chances to talk about my dad. And I love the beautiful round synergy synergy of you getting canceled for a theater camp joke and me ending up at theater camp after my dad's death it's

beautiful who would have seen that beautiful symmetry in the storytelling we'd have today we're so happy to have you i i love your twitter yeah um even when i disagree i go okay well she makes good points there's yeah there's a lot to disagree with. There's, you know, I get the people going, especially with my dead dad. Yes, especially of all the opinions. That was one that pissed me off the most. I said, does this bitch really think she has the best dad in the world?

Oh my God, she's dad gatekeeping. Literally, they came up with that. They were like, dad gatekeeping. Dad gatekeeping is a really funny thing. Russell, do you want to plug our Uncle Function show? Yes, July 9th, Uncle Function, Asylum NYC, 7.30 p.m. It's a Friday night. Tickets available still.

Get them. Yeah, it's going to be the Friday after this episode drops. Yes. Find me on all the social medias. I'm going to be on Butter Boy July 12th. That's a very exciting show to be on. Love Butter Boy. It's my first time Butter Boy July 12th. That's a very exciting show to be on. I love Butter Boy. It's my first time on Butter Boy.

I feel very cool about it. And then I'll be on LA July 16th through the 25th. So if you've got a show, if you've got anything you want to perform for, I'm going to have a lot of time and want to get away from my mom. And your HBO? Yeah, go watch my thing on HBO Max Friday, or it's probably when this airs it'll already be on there and follow me the Ashley

Ray on Twitter and Instagram got a newsletter got a newsletter my podcast TV I say you can listen to me talk to Seth Rogen about 90 Day Fiance it's great and I do have shows coming up but I honestly don't know any details but I'll be in yeah I'll be in Texas

Dallas Austin Houston Boston DC Philly so keep it for you know any details but i'll be post them all yeah i'll be in texas dallas austin houston boston dc philly so keep it wow fuck yeah fun for you so um uh all right well uh uh you know um just remember that even if your dads are alive they will die someday and they're probably not going to be heroes When they do One two three Downside Downside Downside Downside