The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #3 Fumi Abe

Episode Date: March 30, 2021

We interrogate the RECENTLY single comedian FUMI ABE (@thefumiabe) about all the downsides of living alone for the first time in seven years. Once we've all stopped crying, he discusses moving from Chiba, Japan to Columbus, Ohio as a kid, auditioning for a popular reality show about Americans having talent, and this didn’t come up but Gianmarco wants to mention he once beat Fumi in the 2019 Devil Cup Comedy Competition. Follow FUMI ABE on twitter, instagram, & tiktok Listen to FUMI ABE's podcast "Asian Not Asian" Join The Downside Patron for ad-free and bonus episodes on the 1st and 15th of every month. This week we have The Downside of Funerals (4/1) and The Downside of Celebrity Encounters (4/15). Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show (and suggest your own 'This Has Gotta Stop') at [e-mail] Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, welcome to This is Downside. I believe this is episode three. Russell, how are you doing? I'm good. How are you? It's not good. One, two, three. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi. It's a mess. Just figuring out a lot of podcast things.

Between every week's episode, I end up spending an insane amount of money. I have this new GoPro, and the battery's not good, so I have to go back to B&H with my people. Have you ever been to B&H photography? Yeah, I love it. I love it there.

It's just wild. Yeah. It's always busy. It's always busy. It's very frustrating because they work on an Orthodox Jewish schedule, so I think it's it's very busy it's always busy it's very frustrating because they work on an orthodox jewish schedule so like i think it's closed all of saturday and closes early friday and then there's some holiday coming up where they gave a card with my bag where like it's

closed for six days in a row because it's some yet another jewish holiday and it's amazing that a business in a capitalist society can function well while obeying what, in my mind, are arbitrary rules. I feel less comfortable weighing in on their rules. Well, I do think slowly it's getting better and better. First episode, the wall wasn't painted. Now we have cameras. I'm not great. I've been working.

Why? Well, thank you for asking. America's Got Talent, some producer from America's Got Talent, like expressed interest years ago and has occasionally checked back in to be like, oh, do you have any new material, to maybe have me on the show. This is a weird time to be on that show because Usama Siddiqui, a great comedian, was on it. And they do it like a Zoom show, essentially, where you have the judges in person, but they broadcast everyone's faces. And it's just not – that's not what you want your tape to be.

But basically, they give you these requirements of what you can't say on the show. And it knocks out – Everyone always tells me, they're like, you must have a lot of material for America's Got Talent. Cause people think I'm a clean comedian. Cause I smile sometimes I think, but I'm not a clean comedian at all. And they,

they knock out, you know, you can't nothing with a brand, of course, for, for brand purposes, nothing, no religion,

no, no pedophile jokes, not a single one. They won't allow on America's Got Talent. And you end up getting down to like you're down to 15 minutes of material. And then they want you to send the footage. But then you never hear back from them for a year later. And then they write back.

They're like, hey, what's going on? Yeah. So this is like the third time this has happened. Yeah. And in the middle of this pandemic i no coronavirus material by the way even though you can't acknowledge the fact that you're doing it over a fucking zoom okay but i i just have spent the day kind of uh gathering clips of the approved jokes putting them together and it just it just feels like nothing's gonna come of it but nothing you

haven't sent it yet there's no bet like i haven't said it yet but it's just whenever they check in it's like they're basically like hey can you do 10 hours of work and then we're never gonna get back to you about this and you're like okay and i don't even know if i want to do it yeah because these reality shows they don't the difference between like this and a late night set is they don't have your best interest at heart if you look like a shit yeah they're like they're fine with that yeah yeah i did one reality show wait when i was way too early doing stand-up comedy i did new york's funniest on cso oh yeah it's still my number one credit and uh i was still way too early into stand-up i was doing these things where i you have a minute and a half long setup for one punch line

that was good but it took forever and i went in there and i was talking like really fast because i was very nervous and in the edit they took out i was already going fast but in the edit they clearly were like this guy looks a little crazy they took out all my inhales so it looked like i was even crazier than i already was and thank god no one saw it because see so went under so i just got to claim it as a credit even though i would die if anyone actually saw me on it wait how so they showed you the the edit though before well it made it to i i didn't even know this is how few people were watching see so so i was in the first episode of this series and no one had told no one saw it

no one was like hey i saw you on see so i just got a check in the mail from nbc yeah for a hundred dollars and i was like what did i do for nbc this is and that you've we've continued that that track with our um quibi doing a quibi thing that we'll never see we have to talk getting a check from quibi russell and i uh we were in talks once we were talking to a like a reality show tv producer they wanted a food show and we were in talks once. We were talking to a reality show TV producer. They wanted a food show. And we were talking about different ideas for what our food show would be. And she said, like, okay, what if we do one season where... She said you'd go to a restaurant, you'd order everything on the menu, and you'd eat all of it.

Everything on the menu. Yeah. And we said, wait, so... We take a bite? We take a all of it. Everything on the menu. Yeah. And we said, wait, so. We take a bite? We take a bite of everything. And she goes, no, no, no. You'd eat everything from the restaurant. And I was like, wait.

Everything on the menu, you'd eat fully. And then she goes, what do you guys think of that idea? And we were like. We can't clarify. So you mean like we'd order like 25 entrees and we'd eat all the exactly yep yep and we were like so she goes what do you think would happen if you guys did that and we're like we think we would throw up every episode like that would be like i don't know if that's a show premise. We could not mask that we were like confused and not jazzed by the premise.

Because I thought she was going to bring some more ideas to the table. She's like, I got an idea for the show for the two of you to host. And then when she said that, I was like, this is not an idea. This is like five minutes before that call. She was like, I need a premise quick. Eat everything. We had the idea, wasn't it, that it's the first season. Yeah.

The first season. We order everything. Only I eat it. And you just have to sit and watch. And I have to sit and watch. We change body mass indexes. And then the second season, you eat everything and I watch. And we just fluctuate weights.

Yeah. Who's the fat one? So it never got made. I was talking talking about quibby though quibby oh we did a quibby show our our quibby we did a quibby game show and called eye candy yeah that it was a competition show but we agreed uh very uh i regret it in retrospect but it was whoever it was five thousand dollar prize whoever won would keep 60% and loser would get 40% and I won of course well I mean we were

it was close and I felt like we were both it was so much it was stupidly for a reality competition thing it was like weirdly a lot of work it was like a lot of phone calls and a lot of things we had to go get like a speed test early in a hotel room and the guy was this just so you know this guy's a little harsh but he's quick and i was like i don't care yeah pick your time it was the worst most painful

speed test i've gotten maybe 10 rapid tests so violent with that speed test um but it was hosted by it was hosted by josh groban i think it's going to come out on Roku. I think Roku bought all of Quibi's properties. But the funniest thing, there's no way they'll include it. But Josh Groban asked me, he was like, what are you going to do if you win the $5,000? And I was like, I'm going to use it to scrub this from the internet. And he said, me too. He was for me too.

And I was... He was... You know, I don't know much... We can say whatever, because Quibi's gone. We cashed the check. And we cashed you know, I don't know much. We can say whatever. Cause Quibi's gone. He's he, uh, we cashed the check and we cashed the check. Yeah. Um, he, he was not into it. He was, that was, he was, he was, you know, phoning it in. It was tough.

It was tough. Cause there's no audience. No. And so they, they'd be like, welcome to eye candy. And we were like, I want to look cool. I don't want to look, I don't want to be like. They gave no directions either. Remember they just started filming and they were like, they're like look cool. I don't want to look cool. I don't want to be like, woo! They gave no directions either. Remember, they just started filming, and they're like, he goes, welcome to Eye Candy.

And John Marco and I, and then the two celebrity guests, no one reacted. And then the director's like, okay, guys, well, let's just pretend that you're excited to be here. And we're like, we didn't know. There was no start. There was no direction. And you don't want to be a bum. You want to be like a show. So then we were like, ah! And it. There was no start. There was no direction. You don't want to be a bum. You want to be like a show.

So then we were like, ah! And it was tough. I made the huge mistake. I'm such a fucking fool. Oh, you're a comedian. Tell us a joke. And there's no audience. There's no audience.

And I know not to tell. I know. Don't tell a joke because it'll bomb. But then they were like, come on. I was like, okay. And I told one of my, my dad kissed joke. That's what I'd open.

America's got talent with. Right. And it's silence. Yeah. And I was like, you idiot. And I told you, I was like,

I'm so scared. I didn't laugh. Cause I'd heard it before. And also like, it has, it has like a 25 second long setup and it's worth it. It's worth it. Enough tags to make it worth it.

But I said to you, I was like, Oh my God, I'm so scared. They're going to air it. And you you were like the episode is seven minutes long they're not gonna include your minute and a half long joke on the seven minute reality show and it was always again it was us eating um how we had to like identify like uh if something was something or not and it was based on a Japanese show.

Yeah, well, that laugh you heard in the background, one of the reasons I brought our next guest, he has a very funny podcast. Asian, not Asian? Asian, not Asian. And he's co-hosted with one of his friends and he has a really good laugh and I wanted to

bring him on so you got a sense of what I'm expecting from you, Russell. I thought we could even talk about his America's Got Talent experience if he's allowed to. But please, I would like to welcome very funny comedian,

Asian, not Asian podcast, BuzzFeed, Comedy Central, Fumi Abi, welcome. Hey, thank you so much for having me. I'm so happy to have you. This is great. Are you allowed to talk

about your America's Got Talent? It's been like two years. Of course I am. So you made it for having me. I'm so happy to have you. This is great. Are you allowed to talk about your America's Got Talent? It's been like two years. Of course I am. So you made it. You filmed. I filmed. Wow. I met Simon.

I met that, who's Howie Mandel. Howie Mandel, yeah. He's a famous stand-up comedian. I know. I always forget his name. I met Gabrielle Union, and there was another dancer person that I didn't know. When I was young, Gabrielle Union was such a babe. Well, I know her from Bring It On.

Yeah. Go and make yourself fine. Yeah. I was like, oh, she looks the exact same. She has aged like amazingly. Yeah. She looks just the same age. Yes.

I went out there. They only paid me like $50 or some shit. It was like some really. They flew you to LA? Well, they flew me there. Nice hotel. They put me up at a hotel. First class flight?

No. I don't know. Economy. it was i mean the process was cool but to your point they don't have your best interest in mind so there was a kid there who was like oh you're a comedian in new york and i was like yeah are you and he's like yeah yeah i do comedy in new york and i was like oh i've been doing it for like a long time like i've never even seen you or heard of you and he was like this little kid with like little kid i mean he was like i don't know like little kid. I mean, he was like, I don't know, 21. He came with his fucking mom. He was doing puppets. And he was like, he was like,

where do you usually perform? And I was like, I don't know. I just like do bar shows. And like sometimes I'd eat some stuff. And I was like, Oh, where do you perform?

And he's like, I usually host the mic at Otto's, Otto's shrunken head. And Otto's shrunken head, if you're, don't know what it's like. It's like a shitty ball. That's almost like a bathroom.

Yeah. In this visit. It's just an open mic. Like anyone can sign up. So clearly he was new. And like, he was the center of attention because when we were like you know they put you in this like room when you're waiting and they like interview you about stuff and he was just like running around being weird as puppets so everybody was like laughing at him yeah but then he went on stage and just fucking bombed he was like but they they flew him out they flew him out yeah

they knew that 23 45 like young yeah yeah is he still in the game i don't know his name is like ricky something i don't know nice kid you know if you're listening hi oh ricky i do know ricky the puppet guy yeah no do you really yeah no i've done his mic well that's why that's why you haven't been invited back bro like actually ricky's great Do you really? I swear to God. I've done his mic. Well, that's why you haven't been invited back, bro. Actually, Ricky's great. I thought Ricky was one of the best. That's brutal.

And how many people? This is sold out. Most people you've ever performed for. A thousand people. I've performed for 500 once. And it's a wildly different experience. So when you were there there was it just other comedians or were there no i mean they were like but you could tell three other comedians maybe okay he was the only one in my my day they record like multiple days what they do is like they will audition like a hundred people and they take like 20 or 10 or something, something so low. And the judges are,

are they going through the whole spiel for each audition? They're going like, what do you think? What do you think? Because the producers decide later who to show. And a lot of it is like, you know, to your point, like it's interesting.

You're, you're spending so much time on your jokes because it's like, not even about the joke. It's your story. Of course. It's like, I would say 30% content, 70% story because like I fucking killed,

but like my, so you got passed. Uh, I passed. I got all four, um, judges to give me a green light it's just you crushed yeah but they didn't show my thing because you didn't even get to compete in the next round no because they didn't show me if you don't so it's like oh i didn't you know what i'm saying you can get passed and not be shown because that's wild oh that is crazy so i was passed but they didn't but then like afterwards it's like you're so funny like this is your like you know you're gonna level up it's gonna be great and like i was like fuck it i was like i was on like cloud nine i was like i just

destroyed this is gonna be awesome i'm gonna be on tv like even if i don't make it that far like i'm of course because people watch those clips more than they watch like conan right of course so that's why i'd rather do that then you have that clip for submissions right when did you find out that you weren't gonna be like like a month later yeah was it a real fucking like what the fuck uh i had a feeling that they weren't gonna pick me because you know that show is for like midwestern people with not a lot of culture and like they'll probably try to do this with you but like they try to the producers who are always white they try to find a story for you so for me i remember they're like where were you where are you from and i was like well i was born in um chiba japan and they're like cut can you say tokyo

that's not like it's a different city it's a completely different place that's what i'm saying like that's what i'm saying so it's like different city. It's a completely different place. That's too hard. That's what I'm saying. Like, that's what I'm saying. So it's like, you have to fit this mold. And so it's like, I told him I was Japanese. He's like, oh, Japanese, sushi, Gundam, Pokemon, SATs. Like, they want you to do that. And like, I just, I'm not, if you want to do that, that's cool.

That's just not my life. So you refused. You said. Oh, I just, I had a different story in mind. Mine was just more nuanced. Like, most people are. Like, it's not like, I had a different story in mind. Mine was just more nuanced. Like most people are like, it's not like, you know,

they're like, can you say Asia? Yeah. Are you Japanese? Cut, cut. Can you just say Asia? You're from Asia.

Like it's too complicated for audience. It was, it was nuts, bro. That brings up a good point though. What would, what's your story? I think that's what happened the first time.

So I don't think, I don't know if you have, they wrote me and they're like, what's your story well i think that's what happened the first time because i don't think i don't know if you have they wrote me and they're like what's your story and i was like a lot of my jokes my good clean strong one-liner ish are about divorce and i was like my parents are divorced yeah so they wrote back and they're like anything that hasn't happened to half of everybody in the united states of america and i didn't know i was like my parents are sad all the time like one of them might kill themselves eventually we could you know i could make a few calls no they always the stories that they have on those they find people that everyone has not not there's a couple people who get through

without a story no i agree but i i thought in my head i had no idea that if you got passed on you didn't automatically get to keep competing yes most people and i didn't know that that's so stupid to think but i i really thought that like they anyone that gets passed on is well so usama sadiki was on and he's a he's a very strong comedian uh has a lot of dirty stuff uh but he had enough you know really strong clean so he made it past the first round he has a great story too mean, cause he lives with his parents still? No, he lives here. But he, I thought he still lives in like his parents' house though.

Or he did for a while. He had like money stuff and he used to steal sandwiches. Yeah. And they really leaned in. That's the shit. I don't know if he stole it regularly, he stole it once,

but like that was the video. Yeah. I stole a sandwich. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah, Muslim household, wasn't allowed to do comedy. My parents disowned me when they found out. Like that shit, they love. And like, I stole a sandwich. Yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, Muslim household, wasn't allowed to do comedy, my parents disowned me

when they found out. Like, that shit, they love. And like, that's true for him, so that's awesome, but it's like,

they'll try to force that on you if you are not white or whatever, you know? You could start stealing. Yes, I could start stealing. So,

he did it, he made it past the first round. Was it the second round he got in all this trouble? Oh, quote unquote trouble. So yeah, he had a bit where he talks about like,

you can say anything between, or like, if there's a good beat, if there's a good like dance beat, you can get away with saying fucked up shit or misogynistic shit. Before the beat drops or something. Yeah. Yeah.

And he's like, he did this for the show. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a, it's a bit like, it's a closer that he beat, he has a beat,

but he can beatbox. It's one of these closers that like it's so funny if i was in a competition with him like i'd be like i don't know if i can top yeah it's such it's such a killer yeah yeah and uh he basically it goes like you see like if i called you and he went to the judge he pointed just like if i called you and it's slut in the thing but for this he had said tramp if i called you a tramp you know you'd be offended of course but i was like trip trip and then he does that yeah and then you'd be like well i do get loose on the weekends yeah i've seen it a lot and uh uh she he was doing well he was doing well she was like you know i just don't think calling a woman a tramp is this is heidi klum heidi klum heidi klum and it's just like imagine heidi klum looking at the guy who stole sandwiches to get by for lunch and being like, I just don't think you should theoretically say the word tramp.

Yeah. Yeah. And it looks like it came out well and that he got the followers he wanted. He wasn't like, it's not like he got in trouble. He got followers. But it really was, it was just another insane moment where if it hadn't been on Zoom or the audience hadn't been Zoomed in, I think that bit would have crushed so hard. 100%. That Heidi complained, they would have booed.

Yeah. They would have booed. For sure. Imagine Heidi. So this is very recent. Very recent. Yeah. So I'm submitting.

And again, there's sometimes my agent told me, he's like, you know, honestly, if you did a late night and like bombed incredibly, it probably would do more for your career. Like a good set. Like, so there's, there's always this, this fucked up thing of like, no one's watching anything in a centralized way anymore.

So if you just make a stink, right. That's better. That's like the Rob Delaney set, right? He bombed on Kimmel and that's why everybody's bombed every. He's bombed every time he's performed stand-up comedy. Is he even a stand-up? I haven't even heard about him.

He released an Amazon special. And he has like a show. And again, if I ever get on his show, I will delete this episode. But he is a brutally bad stand-up. And the Amazon special, you could hear the fake laughs. Fake laughs are really hard to insert into anything. Like, you can really feel it. You can really feel it not naturally progress,

not naturally leave. Yeah. And it's just as, it's amazing, because he was one of the first, like, famous Twitter comedians. Yeah. And I'm always amazed when a Twitter comedian,

like, cannot seem to figure out stand-up, because I haven't figured out Twitter the same way some other people have. And Rob Delaney, have you ever seen this Kimmel set? No. It's all about food. I'm just not sure who approved it. It doesn't make any sense. It's not like a subjective thing.

You're like incomplete jokes. It was in 2013 maybe. He was probably performing for white hot crowds. He was just like his Twitter. It was when everyone was talking about twitter like what's a tweet and like oh you're gonna tell everyone you had a sandwich for lunch and like that was the peak of humor yeah about this new social media platform and he went on there and he just talks about like you know when you get a taco and you're like i wish i could have a taco every day

i love tacos and that's the end of the joke and he just he just like gets a couple courtesy laughs like in the first two oh yeah then it fades to nothing and he starts rambling and we all have this effect when you start bombing in my head i'm like you got to stay confident you're only way through this but you know inside you're bombing and so you start you flub a word you you flub over a word it always happens when you're bombing you start flub flub a word. You flub over a word. It always happens when you're bombing. You start flubbing. And like the audience, like it's just the most visceral signal to them of this is a weakling on stage. Who shouldn't be here anymore.

And when you start flubbing words, man, it's over. It's over. And I lie to myself. I can feel myself all like, I feel myself walking backwards on stage. And I'm like, come on, come on, come on. And then you flub a word and it's. It's crazy because you're one of those performers who like, you know, part of your act is being, you're in your chest out, you're smiling.

That energy is a part of it. So to do your confident bits without confidence, that probably sounds insane. You know, like doing your shit more deadpan energy. Like for sure, like they can smell that. They can smell that weakness on you, you know. I heard there was a, I wish I knew who it was. There was some at an open mic he did, and he was bombing.

And midway through he said, do you guys want to see my impression of a comedian turning it all around halfway through a set? And I was like, that's brilliant. That's so brilliant. To have a reset. Do you have any, if I have a bomb, I do. It's like my high school basketball coach used to tell me, you miss 100% of the shots you take. And that's like my, that's my little reset that i have oh i don't know i think i just you know what it is when i was i used to bark a lot when i was starting out and there was this comedian used to bark i don't know why i was barking for him because he was not very good i won't say his

name but he would have so many of those lines that it became a part of his act. His act became the bomb. Oh, I'm bad. And I saw that and I was like, I don't want to get too comfortable with the safety line. So I just make it up on the spot and it's never that good, but it's like a good, I don't want to amazing safety line. You know what I mean? Like I hate, like I have sometimes cause I have a temperate.

I sometimes I save the line is fuck you. It's cute. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Fuck you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like I don to you, fuck you, it's cute. It's cute. Okay, fuck you. I've done stuff like that. You have one of those? The overconfidence? Come on! I've done that. Alright, so

welcome to the downside. I'm being too positive right now. I guess I complained a lot. Oh yeah, this is a negativity podcast. This is a negativity podcast. Let loose. I think you're a pretty positive guy yeah i i i try to stay positive you're one of the most generous laughers i mean i meant that like you are you have quite a laugh yeah but i have different types of laughs like what's your fake laugh if i go uh like if you hear me you'll hear me do that open mic hold up that's not good at all who's like i'm killing me no no like if i if i'm at hear me do that open mic hold up that's not good at all who's like i'm

killing me no no like if i if i'm at an open mic and you do like a pun or something i'll be like ah you know that's like my yeah oh i see i see i know i acknowledge that you did a joke a thing you know i'm not a big laugher and at mics if someone if someone does a good joke i will sometimes push out to let him know like in my head i'm like that's a good joke yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah that is your that is but like a mic where there's nothing like that's me saying that's that's that's good what's your fake laugh uh let me think what um when i when i film when i was at your special um no i don't i don't I don't think, um, I feel like,

uh, I'm a pretty generous laugher. I think that you probably can tell if I'm like really laughing at something or if I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, well,

you can tell with me. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I, there was this, there was this woman in my college and she swore it was her real laugh.

Oh no, no, no. But this is how she left. She, she would go and like it was one of these things where like it's like if someone had a disability and you wanted to be like can you really walk yeah yeah but she would do it and and like there's some

people there's a there's someone i know who who he's like, he's a fan, I guess. He would come to my special if I asked him to. And this was a special where I needed, I wanted good laughs because it was socially distant. But he has a kind of laugh that I'm like, I can't have this on the recording. It doesn't even sound fake. It's just like, I'd have to call attention to it. Oh, yeah. We'd have to, it would run long to wait for

it to die down yeah yeah yeah yeah and uh i met an i met an actor one time i was doing a show and uh she we people were talking and someone made a joke and she she started laughing and it was like you know like when someone laughs at something that's too it's too much for whatever the joke was yeah and within five seconds of her doing that, she fell to the floor. And we were all like, oh my God, what happened? And she's like, it's just this thing that I do when I laugh, I fall to the floor. And I was like, that is not,

that's a choice that you're making. This is not just like, oh, a cute thing. And also she was like 28. So to imagine being 28 and thinking this is still a cutesy little thing that I do when I laugh, I fall to the floor. And I just feel like to me, I'm like, there's something in you that you're like, attention is not being focused on me. Let's make this about me. That's really unfortunate.

I mean, I don't even that's is that like, is that her? She's trying to do that as a personality thing. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, it covers, you know. Also, like, how do you do that school? Because at school, like your desk, you know, your desk is connected at the school you know you got the right arm like you'd have to really fucking try to i will i will say i don't even remember her name anymore all i remember about her is that the falling so that made left the impression

that's gross i am i'm forwarding i i got a class yes right you. Yes, you heard that. My listeners have not. My listeners. Yes, that's the goal of this, Russell. Get used to it. I know, I know. But we haven't released anything yet, so I'm just. I know, I know. It's hard to imagine. I'm just forwarding this.

I got her a bar class with my class pass, and I did it. So everything's good now. Good job. Are you talking about uh your your breakup yeah i can talk about it so you just went through a breakup yeah any downsides to that you know it's just i think i think i'm like a psycho like i'm pretty i'm like chilling you know so okay so there's no crying you haven't cried uh i i cry if i talk to her like if i'm around her like i get very emotional i cry i only cry when i see her and think of her

but like when i when i moved out i was shocked at like how sort of like i was like thriving i was like reading i've been like working out you know yeah like i've had all of us it's my first time living alone um so in that way i'm mentally i think i'm okay but like i don't know if you've ever experienced this i don't know if you have you ever lived with somebody i have i've always thought i was a clean person but i think i've just been living with a woman you know and then you fucking move out yeah and then you're like oh my dude like i swear to god clean yeah i one of the things i took from my old apartment is uh i drink oat milk because i can't drink i'm like kind of lactose so i drink oat milk and uh oat milk also expires uh but it doesn't smell the way regular milk does yeah and

i brought it with me and i put it in my tea sometimes and like literally like for a whole week i had diarrhea and then and then i realized that the milk was expired and i was like this is such a single straight guy move right now like i'm just poisoning myself like if i live with somebody takes a while to expire yeah it also kind of smells like yogurt so it didn't smell that bad but like you know i just i had diarrhea for a whole week and i didn't even question i was like this is 31 baby like this is who i am i'm getting better at just being like oh throw this away i i mean i definitely have food that that goes bad i'm getting better at being like don't don't fuck with this.

Well, I didn't know that it was expired. I Googled the other day. I Googled like, because I bought a steak and it looked good. It looked good, but it smelled like cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I'm Googling like, is it okay for steak to smell like cheese? And like some people are like, yeah. And some people are like, absolutely not.

And I'm like, all right, I'm going to say no. I'm going to say no to this. Yeah. I used to call my mom. I mean, I call my mom all the time and be like, is it okay? I have mushrooms. like absolutely not and i'm like all right i'm gonna say no i'm gonna say no to this yeah i used to call my mom i mean i call my mom all the time be like is it okay i have mushrooms they're moving but is it okay if i put them on you had that like photo that went viral on twitter of like you're cooking and there's like a sticker on the pepper yeah so i i i was cooking these peppers and i i realized once i finished cooking that I'd left the sticker on.

So I took a picture because I thought it was funny. It's like, oh, I left a sticker on. I posted the picture. And then people started noticing kind of other problems that I had not noticed. Like the chicken was dry. The way the peppers were cut up. I did it with my hands. Made it in my mouth.

They were so big. They were so big. Yeah. And then the stove was dirty. And it was just like, and then it got picked up by like black Twitter. Yeah. And like just getting roasted. Yeah.

And just like all these things of like, oh, I guess I suck. But having a girlfriend, I mean, she lives very close by. She is the reason like I'm putting up pictures. I'm painting walls. Yeah. And she's like, she's walked me through very basic things to do. Dude, 100%. And you know, I had this like stupid thought the other day. I was like, she's walked me through very basic things to do. Dude, 100%. You know, I had this like stupid thought the other day.

I was like, why does my towel smell? It's because I haven't fucking washed it in a month. But then I'm like, wait a second. My towels didn't used to smell. And I was like, oh, she's been changing it every week. She's been changing it. But like, when I used to live with her. But now that I'm on my own, I'm like, oh, God.

Like, a single guy's towel. That's where, that's Wuhan, bro. towel that's where that's wuhan bro that's fucking where that's just dude i was like you know i've been reading these articles you think it was a recently broken up guy with who was like making bat by himself for the first time and he's like he's like my oh my girlfriend just checked my girlfriend used to make the bat is it okay if bats smell like cheese and he didn't google it damn yeah the who they're sending scientists to the wrong country they gotta come to my apartment that's where that shit started i was like this is this i don't even know it's that gross i've been i've been like shitting on my single guy friends i'm like your place is a

fucking mess yeah it's because i've been living with my girlfriend for seven years they do a lot so those moments i get sad well i tell you I realized I, and this was before I moved. I think it was this past January. I was doing a show and it was, I hooked up with someone after the show. And she came back to my place. And, you know, after a show, I'm feeling confident. I like crushed. I'm like, I'm the man.

She walked up to my room and she's, there's nothing on the walls. And she's like, your bedroom looks like a mental asylum. And I was like, I was like, fuck like fuck i got it because i'm not so i'm not a guy who dates like much younger and i'm 32 now and i'm like oh if i'm gonna continue dating 32 year olds yeah i need things on the walls i need i need like i need to i need all sorts of shit that like i just have been neglecting yeah i'm never like financially i'm not so rich i'm just like yeah let me spend 100 on the wall i know but that that can also go two ways because as a dude your first you know instinct is like okay cool like i'll put a movie poster up of like

akira but you can't you can't do that you can't do that you know it's got to be like a 1976 issue of the new yorker or something you know it's gonna be that well that's why women will complain like pulp fiction Fiction post. I'm like, bitch, you're lucky you got anything on the wall. How dare you complain? It's not the movie you like. Or it's a little cliche. Oh my god, there's a fire in

this room right now. It's so loud. I kept being like, when is it going to pass? It's getting closer. It's getting closer. It's going to park right behind us. I can't tell what gets picked up by the mic or not.

So just in case. 100%. This is definitely getting picked up. It's on the fucking recording. Yeah, that's the thing. I mean, being, honestly, the thing was I started dating. And so now that it's girlfriend level, I stopped cleaning up. Because I don't need to impress her anymore. But it i do the podcast here yeah and i've guests you got a little bit like like i i made sure the toilet's not super

clean but i cleaned like under the seat i wasn't gonna say anything but you know i'm saying like but like there was stuff i took care of and i like i have to now i have to not for you russell if it was just a you episode you're gonna come it's gonna be like shit yeah yeah well living alone i got i got like bad bathroom etiquette being solo because you're just like i go and piss leave yeah yeah i forget i rarely forget to flush but when you live alone like once or twice you go and you're like oh my god i didn't flush the toilet yeah what the fuck is wrong with me i had a roommate he forgot to flush sometimes and i just would be like wow dude wait on purpose because i had a roommate who did that and she was doing it for environmental reasons oh shit she was uh now it's shit with p with p oh i do that

for p yeah yeah tova my girlfriend she i will p and it's just a little p and i drank a lot of water so it's basically water yeah and she'll be like you didn't flush i'll be like it's just a little pee and I drank a lot of water so it's basically water and she'll be like you didn't flush and I'll be like it's water but she's like no she doesn't give a fuck about the water I flush

I fucking flush but she was like kind of a hippie even if it's a little bit of pee I mean yeah just like something I do I don't know I have animals

are you doing it for environmental reasons or you like you don't give a shit no no it's an environmental I respect that it's one of those

few things I do you know when you leave the house and you know one of the few things i do you know when you leave the house and you know one of the lights is on and you're like come on go back turn off that light you're a hero yeah my small contribution i also leave the shower running because i like the sound like i leave it running for like five minutes okay you should definitely fucking flush your pee bro what are you talking about? What the hell? It's for environmental reasons. What I'm doing is to make up for the shower. You're like, I have to do run the shower every night when I sleep the entire night. But I also take a bath in Evian water. But, you know.

It's like a shower. Like one second of a shower is worth a whole flush of a toilet. How dare you try to shame me just now. Jesus. So you were dating for seven years. Yeah, a long time. Did you think you were going to get married? No, I don't think so.

You know, I don't... That wasn't just her. I don't know if that's something I want to do necessarily. I haven't met somebody who made me feel that way. But, like, this is going to get real negative and sad. But I think... That's the name of the game. Okay, this isn't very funny.

But I think I just... I don't know if it's an immigrant thing or if it's just a me thing or the way I was raised, but I feel, I think a lot of comedians this way. You know, I think growing up, I was just taught to be happy with what I was given because I was like, you could have had nothing. So be happy with what you have. You know, be okay with, it's fine.

And I feel my life was a series of, well, this is fine, this is fine. This job that I hate, but they pay me, it's fine. I get interred, it's fine. You know, this girl,. This job that I hate, but they pay me, it's fine. I get interred, it's fine. You know, this girl, Zinni, she's fine. I like her, we're friends, it's fine. And I think it was just a bunch of just, my life has just been that.

And then I think starting comedy was the first time I was like, well, it's not fine. 75% is not good enough for me. Am I allowed to want more? And I think through comedy, it's led me to other jobs and like now i completely quit my you know marketing job and i just live off comedy stuff and uh that was a really big moment for me to be like i that fine is not okay i want what i really want and i think that energy just kind of eventually bled over into my relationship where it's like it was totally fine it was acceptable but i just maybe wanted more

you know like the things that i was willing to put up with um sometimes it wasn't all her it was just like it was on me too but i just like it just you know i fine wasn't enough for me anymore and that was it that's kind of it you know yeah that's what he said i'm so sorry no no i mean yeah no totally makes sense i mean you seem like a confident i don't know if you ever if you could relate to that but i'm not a confident guy no i i i mean it's hard seven years is just so long i mean uh people i'm now i i went through a five-year relationship and it ended because i would say i ended it because i was like i've divorced parents and i i it was always that I never, I wanted to like explore the world.

I don't know if I'm going to get married. I didn't, but I really cared about her. And I was obviously, this is from college. I was like, I should have been in therapy. I was, I was emotionally dependent on her in a bazillion different ways. Basically like we broke up kind of at my, my decision, but eventually we both kind of agreed. And then like we stayed in touch.

It was basically a long distance relationship she was in la and then one day she met someone who was uh not you know nice and then like left me and all of a sudden like i went from having what felt like the power in the relationship to just like she was with someone else and it was done and it just like rocked my world sure fucked me up but so there was a while where like people would be dating and i'd be like wait till you're in a relationship for five years but now i'm in the i'm at the age where like people have a lot of people have had that five year that's seven years so they can relate like what does it mean like what do you do you think you'll stay in touch with her at all yeah 100% like i we've we've we've grown to sort of love each other on this other level where it's like

i only wish the best for her and for me and it's one of those things where like if she came to me like five years from now i was like i need money i'd be like yes of course like i'll give you money like i'll lend you money you know like will you ever hook up again i i if we break up for real if you like because right now it's like in this weird it's like a break funny like i have to update this like just so everyone knows fumi decided fine is okay and he should be grateful they are married they're getting married next week i'll send you the link to the zoom i don't know it's it's truly like i don't for like immigrant kids man like i remember like this is the the example i always use in college asian kids never raise their hand but white kids raise their hand because i feel like

white kids always talk to like hey your opinion matters go ahead ask your question challenge the professor for us it's like who the fuck are you like you're you're lucky they even accepted you so why don't you shut the fuck up and take notes right so that that energy bleeds into relationship is that from your parents that instilled that is that parents society right so that bleeds into your relationship it's like i should be lucky that i even have someone who's gonna back me up and and one of those wants to be with me. That's the kind of energy I had for like a long time. You like fucking lie to yourself forever. And then like a lot of times, like if you live in America and we celebrate individualism here and you turn 30,

that's when people go like, oh, like I'm going to try to unlearn this slowly, you know? So I think that's what kind of happened. So you, let's just for the podcast, let's say you were born in Tokyo. And from Tokyo... So you're saying this episode for the podcast, let's say you were born in Tokyo. And from Tokyo. So you're saying this episode is not going to come out. Yeah, yeah. So you came to America.

How old were you? I was eight. You were eight. Yeah. And do you remember a lot about growing up? Yeah. And what was the name of the city? Well, so the prefecture of the state is Chiba, which is like, it's like a Jersey. It's like next to Tokyo. It's close. Okay. Yeah um so that's where i grew up and then i like in tokyo are they making fun of chiba like from chiba uh that's the armpit of japan or some shit it's kind

of like uh it's a commuter it's like i don't know not maybe i don't know i never worked there but like first it's a commuter city a lot of people if you if you live in chiba you're probably working in tokyo it's got a 45 minute train ride uh so that's where i grew up and moved here spoke no english moved to columbus uh near columbus suburb called hilliard is where i'm from hilliard and was there was there a lot of immigrants in that community so i mean some obviously you know um there was actually like a japanese pocket but not in the city i grew up in the reason why there's a japanese pocket is because there's a honda factory in ohio so a lot of people like move their temporary to like work at the honda factory and it's that big of a factory like created it's so interesting

like i grew up where i grew up there was a huge uh filipino community okay and they're like everyone all everyone in of of my uh age group were raised by filipino nannies and it's just like it's such a it's such a crazy, like, dietary, like, I love Filipino food. I grew up eating rice. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. In a Jewish household, that rice would not be a part of the thing. Yeah. Okay. And it's just so interesting how, like,

the factory is the reason this happened. Why did your parents pick Ohio? Well, because of that factory, it creates a lot of opportunities for other Japanese companies. So my dad just worked for a Japanese company. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. Yeah, what kind of Japanese come he like builds fact He's like a civil engineer. So they like build factories for like car parts or something

So like he'll build a factory that makes mufflers for civics or some shit like that, you know And so was he doing well financially when he first yeah, so we're not like that's the other thing too It's like and goes going back to the America's Got Talent story They're like yeah, like you know, we guys poor when he got here It's like no my dad's a fucking engineer. Like, there are all kinds of immigrants who move here, you know, like he, we weren't rich, but like he had a job, you know,

but they wanted me to be like, no, we were eating Wonder Bread every day, fucking walking to Aldi's. Like they wanted me to have that kind of story, you know? And could you, were you speaking English by the time you moved? Absolutely not. No, no, no.

It was, I learned it mainly through like watching Disney and like 90s R&B music videos. When you were eight though, that's gotta be so hard. No, I think when you're eight, you're so young. But I mean, just being somewhere where people don't speak. I'm saying like only when I went to Europe for the first time and went, truly went somewhere where no one spoke English. It's like, you cannot understand that feeling until you're there yes and do you remember when you were eight being like i don't understand what the person at the store is saying what the person on

the tv is saying yeah there was some of that but also you gotta remember like american culture is pretty global so like i grew up watching like full house it was just dubbed in japanese so like i'm used to seeing americans like michael jackson popular. You know what I mean? Like yeah, yeah You know, it's like I've seen American So, okay, so you you learn english pretty quickly uh yeah when you're eight you just pick it up because it's also like it's such a beautiful time man like nobody cares that you don't speak english you know like at that age they're just like let's play basketball you're just another boy let's play basketball you know that that truly that year was like i still think back to this it was like truly

like the most when kids are that young they like don't it's like do you you know at the time it's like do you play pokemon you don't play pokemon it's not like are you black are you whatever they don't know what that is you know did you get a lot of pokemon questions like hey what happens in the episode that has yet to be dubbed i got that about dragon ball z because dragon ball z ended when i was in kindergarten and then it was still playing when i was were you watching it as a kid i was watching it in japan but it ended when I was a kindergarten. So I only watched Dragon Ball GT, which was the last season.

Were you telling people like, yeah, my episode, you saw Balma's titties. Because like in Japan, it was more graphic. Like there's just a different sexual code of like what can be on TV, what can not. And so I got, when Dragon Ball Z was popular, I went on eBay and this was like the thing,

the super nerdy kids. I got, you basically Ball Z was popular, I went on eBay and this was like the thing, the super nerdy kids. I got, you basically said you were buying a floppy disk and as a gift, they sent you bootleg Dragon Ball. So I was, I watched all of Dragon Ball in Japanese with subtitles. And I, and Dragon Ball GT before everyone got it in America. And I remember I was so excited because they curse a lot. And I had a piece of paper where i like was marking every time they said fuck and i was like oh my god they said fuck 27 times he saw like balma's titties and like there's a who's who's the the turtle shell master what's his name oh a master ronin master ronin like

every time he saw like titties or something and he was like a he was a perv he was he was doing things that would get you canceled right now okay and that's all of the anime by the way and then the the big anime thing is like he's so excited that blood shoots out his nose and he goes flying they don't show that in the american one oh no i didn't know that because toonami was the reason dragon ball blew up and that was a cartoon network and so they censored the fuck they censored all all the blood stuff and then it became a thing where like you could get the censored or uncensored versions oh my god of these i did not know that that's really crazy i mean when we say show her boobs they're not like actually showing nipples or anything just like there's a lot of perfect

pervy scenes yeah what do you mean they actually show your nipples yeah really yeah i guess your parents were fine with you importing the raw yeah my dad my dad did it wasn't paying attention but uh yeah there is there's also there's this whole weird thing with like i think there's just so there's so much interesting thing with like a certain chunk of japanese culture that like just blew up in america and all these kids that grew up on like anime and like i i would read and like consume all this japanese media with subtitles and hentai huge huge hentai. Hentai fan? When I was younger, when I was younger for sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now it's just nostalgic, I guess. I don't like keep up with. Yeah, that's so funny. Parents, let's talk about your parents. You have a good relationship with your parents?

Ah, it's fine. You know, my dad was like gone a lot for business. Uh-huh. He was only home once a month for like, from I was like 8 to 16. Wow. And so when he did start coming home more often,

I truly didn't know him. Like honestly, and sometimes immigrant friends will hit you sometimes if you're being bad. What kind of hit are we talking? I always am curious. He slapped me. Across the face?

Yeah. Did it hurt? My mom, my mom one time, she tried to like spank me oh you're but and we then we both laughed because it was so pathetic it was such a what are we doing here and was it formalized like was it in the moment mad or was it like she was mad over here and i and you're gonna no i didn't like bend over it was like standing yeah yeah and uh it was it was

just so comical this attempt to discipline me yeah i other than that i was never my stepfather only to my sisters because my father would have killed him but my stepfather his like thing he'd say show me your hand or present your hand present your hand and then my sister would put her hand out and he'd you know oh i see and i don't know if it hurt. Maybe it hurt kind of, but it really was about like, you've been shamed. And that was the most. And even like, even at that age, I was like, this is, this is wrong. This is cruelty against children. And so I hear these stories.

I had a friend, his name, his name is and his, his father, one time his father said to him, Nathaniel, you're coming down to dinner. Did you wash behind your ears? I'm in first grade. I've never seen violence in my life. Yeah, yeah. Did you wash behind your ears, Nathaniel? He's like, no, I don't want to wash behind my ears.

And his father, who had a cane for some reason, even though he was younger, he had a cane. He leaned on the cane and kicked him in the chin. And god that is going on and then he washed behind his ears and that was in front of company that was in front of that's fucking insane i remember like i've never seen a parent fucking do that that's insane you should have fucking called somebody but like i see i remember like i don't have an older brother but like i remember going to my friend's houses and like their older brother would beat the shit out of them. My friend in front of me. And I remember, I remember like being just so shocked, uh, at that level of violence that, you know,

older brothers inflict on younger brothers. Oh my God. I was in, I was in Harlem, uh, when I lived in Harlem and I went to this laundromat and I, I think it was, it was, I believe it was Haitian owned. And so there was a lot of Haitian clientele. And like, so, so there was this woman and it was like 11 30 p.m this is when i'm doing my laundry and she had like a little kid with her yeah and she was uh he kept falling asleep while doing his homework and she just kept hitting him on the head again and again and again and i'm like you know just like my nice childhood i was just like this is making me so upset i should say something i should say something and i kept like waiting for her to like cross some kind of red line and so finally she just

like hit him three times in the head and i went over and i was like stop hitting your kid you said that it's it's 11 and i started i started yelling and she started yelling at me i couldn't understand what she was saying but then the the owner ran over to her and said to her listen if this white man calls the police they're gonna take your kid away and i was like and i was like is this me using my privilege for good i don't know i don't know i wanted to call a friend and be like is it okay no but she was hitting her no i know i know i know i know that's so fucking new york though that That's the most New York fucking thing. And I was like, no, oh, no, I'm not going to.

No, I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm not going to tell anyone. It's going to be really. And then I started hitting him. I was like, I'll join you. My God. Yeah, but it was weird because when my dad would hit me, you know, at this point, I didn't know him.

I remember he'd hit me. And I'd be like, who are you? He wasn't around. At that point, it's just like your neighbor hitting you you know it was definitely yeah it was fucking it was a weird time man growing up did you have were your closer friends were they were they immigrants as well or were they um i had one friend who was like adopted from honduras he was like probably the only other non-white kid i hung out with uh-huh um but who knows his white you know it was fine it was like midwest nice kids you know was there anything any any bad racist stuff where like they didn't understand at all you know what it was it's like it's this is because i don't know people when when you think like racism people always think

it's like they come up to you and they like call you jing jang bing bong or whatever which like happens sometimes but like which happens daily but but like there's all these things where like i think back to it as an adult and i'm like oh that was kind of weird you know like yeah well actually the ching chong thing was a bad example because it actually happened i remember like for a while like my friends had me in their phones they had me in their phone so my full name is it's masa fumi abe and they had me in their phones masa fumi is one word masa fumi is my first name okay abe is my last name got. And they had me in their phones. Masafumi is one word? Masafumi is my first name. Okay. Abe is my last name.

Got it. And they had me in their phones as Masa Ching Chong. Oh, no. For like two years. Yeah. These are my friends. And I was like,

oh, that's funny. You know, I was just like, I didn't really, whatever, you know. And then, I don't know, I remember like,

this is like a joke of mine, but I remember like asking girls out and they'd be like, oh, I'm not into Asian guys. You know, I hear that a lot, you know. Oh, wow.

And like, my joke is like, well, I'm the only Asian guy you know, so what the a lot you know and like my joke is like well i'm the only asian guy you know so what the fuck you know i'm like they're the only fucking person here and i certainly look back and like the vague asian accent yeah i remember being in like second grade or third grade and being like i'm really good at this asian accent it was on tv all the time like what was it on yeah uh no i mean i just when you think about cult like in terms of like what you you watch snl or something oh yeah everyone was doing like you're like it really is like wild to now look at anything and be like oh my god all the time of course well there's just any time any sitcom would have some you know like

yeah you know yeah there's a do you know John Panette I think his name is he's like he was a very large stand-up comedian killer and he like

I think he like became a Vegas comic but I mean he murder but like his huge chunk was about buffets he was someone who

like three albums titles included the word buffet show me the buffet where's the buffet more buffet and his big closure was about going to like a Chinese buffet included the word buffet. Show me the buffet. Where's the buffet? More buffet. And his big closure was about going to

like a Chinese buffet. And then he does the accent for like... He does it for so much. It's kind of... I mean, this is from A Place of Privilege. It's kind of sad

that it's like, oh, his legacy cannot really be included. Is he Asian? No. Oh, okay. No, no, no. But clearly he ate at. Is he Asian? No. Oh, okay. No, no, no. But clearly he ate at a lot of Asian establishments.

But he's financially supporting them. He's financially supporting them. It's fine. But he's an amazing comic. But then he would do something about Free Willy, and that's a mean title for Asians, and then a 10-minute bit about Free Riri, and then would just do it for, and he'd be murdering. that's a mean title for Asians. And then a 10 minute bit about free Riri.

And then we'll just do it for any beat murdering. Yeah. And that's the part where people are like, I'm like, you were in the audience laughing. Don't pretend you were better than this. You were at home. You're like reenacting this bit.

Yeah. But it is one of those things where it's like his legacy just kind of has to go away. Cause you can't play those clips. Right. Without, or you have to like have a long, like, can we still enjoy the work of John Penne? Yeah. Given. or you have to like have a long like can we still enjoy the work of john penne given and you know you have a 60 minute episode yep yep yep yep and then i

i work at lol comedy club and there's still a few comics where they'll they'll do they'll do the vague accent and they'll murder and they'll murder and it's just like a reminder of like this is still the america we live in i mean it's complicated because like i just want to say like accents can be funny if it's like you have to if you're not that culture of that culture you have to fucking nail it you know what i mean sure it can't be just that like there's that one lady angela johnson she's like a black lady she does like a vietnamese nail salon bit yes why you don't have boyfriend or something like that I can't really do it but like I have Vietnamese

friends who are conflicted because like is it offensive but also it's really fucking accurate so they're like maybe it's okay you know like so if you're gonna do it it has to be 100% accurate you know well did you watch Louis CK's last special yeah does he do it he does the thing where he

where you know finish he went to a sushi place and the person said you Did you watch Louis C.K.'s last special? Yeah. Does he do it? He does a thing where he, where, uh, uh, you know, finish. He went to a sushi place and the person said, you know, finish. Yeah.

He does it with the accent. He's like, cause it's weird if I'm just like, you know, finish. Like, it's just like, he addresses that. It's weird.

He addresses. It's weird. And it's addresses the weird to correct. And, uh, you know, I, I don't listen to it.

Russell told me about the spit. I never, I would never pay. I don't get his emails at all. It's totally fine. Do I look forward to his semi-monthly emails? Absolutely not. But I think I probably called Russell.

I was like, did you see? They first emailed back. Yeah. That's so funny. Wait, do you remember that show we were at, though? We were doing this terrible show for Uncle Function. And it was like seven to 10 people in the audience. and it was like it was like seven to ten people in the audience and it was like a part of a lineup so we were only going to do like one

or two sketches and we so we were in the crowd when we weren't on doing the thing and this woman came out and she did the the accent was she asian i think she was it's always like a bad asian comedian will do an accent where you're like she did it shouldn't be doing the whole joke was that though and no one else it was like one of those things where you're like it no part of it was funny but but it got so uncomfortable that no one was laughing at this asian woman doing it oh that's so sad it was like that we didn't know you were like do you laugh just to be like, oh, like, like it was,

it was a wildly uncomfortable moment. Yeah. The Asian accent is so, it's, it's got such depth because like, it can be funny, but like just anyone doing it

just sounds offensive now. Because it's been abused. Yeah. Because the thing is like, we never had a history of white comedians doing jamaican accents you know what i mean it's like if you do a jamaican accent it's so kind of funny you know and like hispanic accents too i don't know just it didn't get abused the way it's just it's just and i'm gonna say chinese accent because that's what they're

doing because because japanese accents sound different vietnamese accents sound different korean accents sound different people are specifically your parents have an accent oh 100 yeah what's the japanese accent it's more like um i can't really do it Japanese accents sound different. Korean accents sound different. People are specifically. Do your parents have an accent? Oh, 100%. Yeah. What's the Japanese accent? It's more like, um, I can't really do it because my parents like don't really speak English,

but it's more like, um, there's some commonalities like we don't, you know, are helping verbs. Like they don't change based on if it's plural or singular. So sometimes they mix up is and are. Yeah.

There's that. Um, it's more or singular. So sometimes they mix up is and are. Yeah. So there's that. It's more just like, I'm trying to think like. I've never heard you speak Japanese. Do you still, you're still fluent in Japanese? Yeah, I'm fluent. I can't really do it

because my parents weren't active English speakers. Sure, sure. You know what I mean? That would be very funny if you like, because you know, there's people, there's so many comedians and they get great mileage out of it

if their parents have accents. But every time you did your parents you spoke just fluent japanese and the audience was like we don't we don't we don't get this at all we don't understand at all yeah yeah yeah yeah um all right so let's see uh i i think that that was pretty good we can move on to the headlines i think you you wanted to talk about. I mean, aren't you guys, am I going to lead this sexist segment? Yeah,

we figure. Well, honestly, I want to ask, so you do, you have a podcast with a friend. Yes.

Also a comedian. Also a comedian. Mike Dwayne, shout out. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, and Russell and I are friends. How long have you been doing the podcast with him? Like, almost three years. Very impressive. Yeah.

A weekly podcast for three years. It's amazing. It's been a lot of work, man. Yeah ready dude that's a lot of work man yeah yeah yeah don't look at russell it's me doing it yeah yeah yeah it's not in the title well that's that dude i mean bro that's why like i do all the editing i do all the texture that's all me you know it always ends up being that way you know it's because it's hard to hey you buy this wire i buy this wire you know this yeah yeah yeah wait till you get this venmo request yeah uh i i worry i think like part of this is part of as you get older we were on a

sketch team and we don't know what the future is the sketch team we had a monthly show at ucb that was just about to start and it was like a big accomplishment we had two months of it and we had two months yeah yeah and like there was there was a certain degree of. And it was like a big accomplishment. We had two months of it. We had two months. Two sold out shows. Out of business. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like there was a certain degree of the sketch team where like it also was, it's four guys, one woman.

And it also functioned. It's called Uncle Function. It's functioned to make us hang out. You know how hard it is. You get older to like make time for friends. Sure, sure. Especially comedians. It's so fucking ambitious.

It's so hard to make time. And like it also was like we would meet once a week for rehearsal but it also was our spend time together and we had to do it because we had a show coming yeah yeah yeah and so part of this podcast i thought like a nice thing i'm like okay russell and i this is a nice way for us to check in but then there's the inverse of like will we never see each other again sometimes i talk with russell and i want to be like, shut up, save this for the pod. This is a great story. Shut the fuck up. Did you start the podcast Very Good Friends?

We started because we started like writing sketches together. And then we were just like, we'd always catch up before we started writing. Like you're mentioning. We're like, oh, some of this is kind of interesting. So why don't we kind of record it? And that's kind of how it started. We're not like, you know, it's interesting. People think we're like best friends.

We are not at all. We're like friends, but we don't really hang out. And I think a lot of it is because like we do meet quite frequently to either talk about business and, or the, do the podcast and like some writing thing we're working on together. So a lot of it is like we,

we get along. We, I think we respect each other a lot as comedians and as business partners, but we're not like, I would never go on vacation with mike you know i'd love to move into an uh this kind of thing oh my god it would hurt my heart we have vacation we have yeah we've now done two things one was a comedy festival but one oh that's so fun though yeah oh it was it was a blast i wonder how it's it's a double-edged sword because on one end if you guys are so close i think you get to develop this kind of well never alone untouchable chemistry never just the two of us there's always been other people there yeah yeah

but if i if i think you you you and your wife and me and whatever woman i'm seeing at the time hey uh sorry toba yeah we don't know what's coming out hey right that i think we it's feasible that we'd go on a vacation of course of course yeah but the other side of this is coming out hey right that i think we it's feasible that we'd go on a vacation of course of course yeah but the other side of this is like hey you guys are so close that's so fun but the other time is like if i need to address something with him or if he needs to address something with me that is bothering one of other it's a lot easier because he's just kind of my business partner to be like hey sorry like not to be a dick don't do that again or like you know what i mean what kind of things have that oh just like it's just like business things you know like i can see that because if russell said anything

like that to me it'd be like oh it's been fucking three years like things like it's not happening every day just things are gonna happen we need to address some stuff in order for the operation to keep going smoothly russell's russell's a tough one because he does not express i don't think you're you're upset i'm clear uh uh i know i think you've been upset with me where you resent something that it's really tough and I sometimes I'm like is this okay I try to really open the space

like is this okay is it okay that you have to come to my place every Saturday oh are you okay with this I'm not no because you're you are again you know

you're investing the money the thing so yeah I will take the subway it's called the downside with your Marcus Oresi and I had a moment when I was hanging out with Tova

and she was like, is Russell okay? That he's like your sidekick or he's not on the poster? And I was like, fuck, I didn't even think about this. Oh my God. And I started having anxiety and I called you and you were like, it's fine. But I don't know if you said to Nicole, you're like, I knew it.

No, I knew it. I'm not on the poster, Nicole. I was so relieved to not have any of the, like it's on, you know, like you're doing this stuff and the thing and I show up and, you know, if there's ever money involved, we can have more of a discussion.

There's a lot of money involved. But there will be money involved. But yeah, I've always wanted to do stuff. I've always been jealous of, you see these collaborators and you really understand, I remember when I was younger and being like, I was a musical theater do stuff. I've always been jealous of, you see these collaborators and you really understand. I remember when I was younger and being like, I was into a musical theater guy,

but a composer or lyricist would do everything together. And you're like, yeah, because when you find someone you can work with, that's so rare. It's so nice. You want to stay with them forever until one of them is dead.

Yeah, 100%. And then all your work after it sucks because you just developed something you cannot replicate. And it's most fascinating when they do break up like you know like daft punk been together will ferrell will ferrell and what's his and uh adam mckay their production company broke up like so you're like what happened it's like it's more interesting than even like a divorce because you're like

when a creative thing that goes on for a long time you're like what went down that they were like you know we're not gonna to, I wonder if deaf punk, if there was something, I didn't read that much into it. Well, they hadn't even like the last album they did was the fuck cares, dude. So fucking people are freaking out.

I was like, what was the last video? Yeah. So long. Would you do the same one for Asian, not Asian? If that broke up, I blow myself up.

Yeah. I'm like seven views. Who are these guys again? No, I mean that, that, that. Well, it's funny. They hadn't done anything in eight years. So you're like, they, they've been done. Like they just like hadn't done anything.

Sure. Also they're like old. It's like, yeah, you have families. Go. Like what are you doing here? Blowing yourself up. Get out of here. You know?

Yeah. It's supposed to be tough where you're 60 and you're like in a studio, like bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow. And you're like, I like i'm gonna die soon i want to stop this maybe yeah honey your dinner's yeah you know it's like fucking yeah it's like get stuff yeah those sounds are so inappropriate for these fucking 50 year olds you know um oh the one thing i want to say uh before we go because i always think about it that you called out once that you said one of my sisters do you remember you saying this

about one of my younger sisters you saw a picture of her and you said she looked like one of the girls from popular porn series Blacked. Who was it? Can I see it?

Did I mention it? No, you cannot see it again you son of a bitch. Was it somebody specific or I just said it? Yeah, it was just like it was one of my sisters and like you just

I said she looked like she was on Blacked. and like once you said it i couldn't i couldn't i couldn't watch black anymore because it was so it was so accurate it was like the because i i didn't even really fully think of it but like though i think we talked about black last episode too it's very hard with the podcast not knowing what you've talked about before on the podcast as a side note sure i don't remember maybe maybe it was but like blacked is they definitely there's an aesthetic other than it's like it's beautiful very dark black men and very light white women yeah yeah and the the woman it's always like a very thin woman yeah tall slender yeah looks looks like she could get hurt dude and then it's like her and like three guys huge guys yeah and these guys are all jacked dude

huge and like biggest in the game black's got the biggest you're watching this youtube video of this black guy who couldn't get into uh because his dick wasn't big enough or something. Oh my God. He was like, yeah, bro, I'm black, but I couldn't get in because I'm only eight inches. And I'm like, that sounds great. He's like, yeah, but it's not good enough for black, man. Eight inches is two. Who is he offering up this information?

Who is interviewing him? I forget. It was like, I watched some like. I'd share it if I had an eight inch dick and it was still small enough. Like that's big enough that I'd like brag about it just so I could get the number out there but it was like

to me the whole thing was interesting because I've never seen like a black porn star like be insecure about the size of his penis you know because like society

you know I think one day I realized like oh it kind of sucks like that was always like oh that's a good stereotype I guess that black guys

got big dicks but I'm like if you're a black guy with a regular dick like you must always be looking for that look of disappointment in her eyes when she first sees for sure that's not i'd rather have i'd rather like be like surprisingly fine yeah then oh i guess it's not true but i i guarantee you i don't this is a set of making up but just knowing human beings i guarantee you, I don't, this is a set of making up, but just knowing human beings, I guarantee you like 40% of black dudes have like a five inch dick hard, you know? And that's fine. But it's like, what are they, you know, I'm sure they're, they're experiencing what you're describing, you know?

I wish we had a black guy here. He's like, he's like, yeah, he'd be like, yeah, you're right. Thank you very much. I'm glad we're getting the word 40%. That's the number. I'm making it up. It could be 30, but 30 but that's still you know i'm just saying there's a but i'm sure there's a a group of i don't know why i'm trying to defend i wish i could go back in time to when i was a kid i mean many things i say to myself but i'd be like your dick's fine it's it's it's never going to be there's gonna be so many other things that are going to prevent you from getting

laid or keeping someone it's not gonna be dude it's going to be so many other things that are going to prevent you from getting laid or keeping someone. It's not going to be your dick size. Dude, it's like, as you get older, you're like, they don't even really care. It's like, to be honest with you,

you're talking about somebody came into your room and your place looks like a mental hospital. Yes. That's the real cock block. It's your fucking stinky straight guy towel that's a cock block. It's not your actual cock.

There's so many other things you got to worry about. about so yeah if you go back in time i would definitely like give a lesson to third grade boys about like cleanliness and like interior design that's the shit that's gonna get you laid you know that would be that'd be very funny that's the sex ed class guys you want puss i'm not gonna tell you i'm gonna teach you how to put a nail into a wall yeah that's what you need to learn did you guys have that experience where sometimes growing up uh you would hear like guys would brag about weird things and now as an adult you're like there's no way like about their dicks like in terms of like yeah i remember someone in like seventh grade saying that their dick was the same circumference as a soda can like i remember being like i remember being like what are you talking about

god that's that is big elementary school i'm like i'm like i don't like wait like that's the same as like the cans that like cinnamon rolls come in yeah you're like and i'm like was it that but then as an adult you're like no that person was just lying crazily. But like just lying, you know? I mean, there is a guy with that dick, but he's on like a TV show for having a big dick that's too big. I just feel like it happened a lot. There's a guy, there's some guy who has a 14 inch dick. And when he gets hard, he faints because there's too much blood. So like there's definitely, and I've heard enough women be like, they're like, if it's too big, it hurts.

Yeah. And I'm like, you swear to fucking God. I love, I love this energy three guys being like yeah our dicks are fine laughing no one is a dick that size no one no one laughing this is what happens

when you get three guys in a room this is what it devolves into it's like our dicks are fine they're beautiful they're beautiful. They're beautiful. Headlines. Headlines. All right. Oh, okay. I have a cue.

Let's see if this is the right cue. No, it's not that one. It's this button. I've got some bad, bad news. Bad news. I've got to ask you, is this? What was that? Is this your song?

My friend, Douglas Goodheart, who's in our sketch team, he made them for me. I gotta fucking get one of these, man. I know, this is a great thing. I'm gonna pull up. I've got some bad news. Let me read the headline nice and clean. This headline we're gonna start with. This is about the Olympics, which is going to be held where you grew up in Tokyo, Japan.

Okay, the headline is, Aged 118, the world's oldest living person will carry the Olympic flame in Japan. So I guess this is a tradition where old people... I didn't know that. Globally, it's a tradition. Yeah, it's happened in old Olympics before. people. I didn't know that. Globally, it's a tradition. Yeah, it's happened in old Olympics before, and they carry the torch

around in the circle, I guess, one lap. The torch gets taken from place to place until it gets to the thing. It's like it travels. It travels. There's many people involved. Yes, there's many, many people. She's the last one? I don't know if she's the last one. It starts with a newborn

and they give her the torch and roll her. It's like, I don't know how far the journey is, but it all gets carried to the Olympic site where they light the thing on fire. So the torch is carried for, I think, days leading up to it. Days? What? And lots of people get past the torch. I know so little, you can really say whatever you want. I don't know i'm not

a huge olympic person but i'm just saying like i remember that from child like you know it's like a thing so uh so they say just to clarify uh her uh kane tanaka uh it's a woman it's probably pronounced kane but yeah oh kane yeah kane kane yeah i don't think there's a japanese. It's probably pronounced Kane. But yeah. Oh, Kane? Yeah, Kane. Kane. Yeah. I don't think there's a Japanese lady named fucking Kane. Kane? Kane?

The wrestler named it after this lady. She's persevered just like me. I'm Kane. Kane Tanaka. Her family will push her in a wheelchair for most of the 100 meters, which is 328 feet. Yeah. So this is not a lot of mobility. 328 feet is too much. But then at the very end,

she's going to then walk the final few steps. Can you imagine the stress of watching, if she even makes it to this event, when you're 118, any day. That was my first question. Is that next week?

Don't publish this article until the hour before the event. This is cocky, especially during a pandemic. So many things go wrong. It's amazing. This is the first Olympics I think ever that's been delayed by a year. It was supposed to be last year. 2021.

She's going to get out of the wheelchair and everyone's going to be holding their breath, which is good for coronavirus and then they're going to walk she's going to walk holding a flaming torch yeah and i just think there's so much that could go wrong with this i think it's very scary yeah to to i don't want to see it i'm not gonna lie to you i was looking her up and um she looks pretty good for her age. You know what I'm saying? She's 118. She can be unblocked. Dude, you already know. The oldest woman to ever be unblocked.

That's what I want to see. You know Pornhub is already all over this. I'm sure there's an Olympic towards passing porn genre already. I'm not into G-milf. G-milf. That's not my thing. G- g g milf because like her grandchild is 60 years old oh my god i know it's like great grand kid who's like tweeting about it or something like that yeah of course i mean i wish i had like a great grandma i get a lot of twitter mileage out

of that yeah my grandma oh my god also check out this clip of me on my new podcast, The Downside. She's lived through two world wars, the 1918 Spanish flu, coronavirus. It's amazing. To make it through both these things, I'd be like, just take me. She's almost as old as the Olympic Games themselves. Oh, my God. Which started in 1896. She lives in a nursing home. She wakes up at 6 a.m., othello which i know that game oh

have you played the game no but one step closer to blacked if you know what i mean yes that's right and uh uh she hasn't been able to see anyone for 18 months there's something where she's not the oldest person the record for the oldest person to ever live is by a french woman who died at 122 and she says it says that uh tanaka she has her sights on that milestone to make it to the oldest person ever that's a sad oh my god milestone to reach because then once you reach it it's like well now you can just we talked about an old person on a different episode we did a test episode where whenever someone is this old they get to say like what's the secret to longevity and And they can say whatever the fuck.

I know. And this guy like said like religion. Also, that guy didn't have a birth certificate. So I was like, bullshit. You know what I mean? I was like, they were like, his family thinks he's one of the oldest people in the world. But like, and then also that guy buried in this thing, which is really funny. And I don't think anyone's going to hear it because it was a test episode.

But what was really funny about that one is that they, you know it's this long long article about his life and then they reveal halfway through more than halfway through that he didn't get married till he was 50 years old to a 12 year old like they were like he married his first wife when he was 50 and she was 12 and then they just kept going and you were like what like you're like that's they didn't even say they said like he met his wife then when he was in his 40s and and it was this thing where i'm like he could say he's like the secret of long life marrying a 12 year old like it was it was a crazy funny thing that was just kind of buried in there that you know who's going to call out 120 years old it's it's crazy i was talking about this on my podcast with mike it's like when when somebody's that old it's crazy to think like they went from um they went from like 1904

that's probably like not before like the vaccine was invented right like vaccines in general to go from that like only fans like that distance is wild you know's like, I mean, that's the thing. If she lived by 20, like, you know, if she lives four more years and she hits 112 or whatever, or 122, like, I can't imagine, like, what is going to be on her tombstone? You know what I'm saying? Like, she has seen so much. She just needs to fucking go, dude. Like, it's too much.

It's too much. I just, do you think that if you live to be this old, that you want... I mean, I guess I love attention. So I'd be like, oh, I can walk three steps and everyone will stand on their feet and applaud me. Sure. I guess that's kind of fun. No one else is...

I mean, you get that old and you're like... The adrenaline alone will carry her. There's a part of me, though, I'm like, if I'm going to die, I'd love to die in front of everyone. I want to make a stink. I want to go out with, like, I want to die, like, on this walk. Like, fucking, what's the name?

Daft Punk? Daft Punk style? Daft Punk style. Explosion in the middle of Times Square? Oh, my God. What's that old guy doing? He's got a countdown on his fucking chest. I remember there was a video on Twitter.

It was this old woman. I don't know how old she was, but she blew out her candles with her grandchild and she's like, what do you wish for grandma? She's like, this is the last birthday and they laughed and I felt like there was something that was so nice I was like, I want to be that cool with my inevitable death that I'm like, yeah, I hope this is the last one

I mean, all of her friends are dead I imagine Her children are probably old Yeah When you get that's the thing she has her children are probably old yeah when you get that old yeah you're that's yeah well japan has a an incredible uh it like like i think there's one island in italy and then like some parts of japan where there's this insane amount of people living over 100 years old island in italy that's really interesting because the people who live the longest in japan is from the okinawan islands Yeah. I don't know. Maybe there's an island.

They always suspect it's fish and then there's fish oils like become the thing, the dominant thing that everyone buys. But it's obviously a lot of lifestyle things. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to live as long as I can. Really? Oh, yeah. I want to live past 100. I could see you being 100 dating a 12-year-old.

100%. What the fuck? Definitely. Definitely. i can see like getting a lot of plastic surgery when you're old and be like yeah that's a lot of plastic surgery prince philip who just who just got a heart transplant he's 99 and he looks i mean he looks dead wow have you seen those pictures of prince philip maybe i don't know and he just looked dead um yeah i mean i was just thinking about this so they like so biden's 78 so if he runs twice and wins twice like he's gonna be like he's not gonna run a second he can't he can't right like 86 that's like i mean he's already had yeah that's um it's just like it's i don't know i don't want to be ageist but gross uh well there is this rule i think ageism is one of these things where some people are like

yeah you don't want to be ageist especially in like workplace things but then others you're like well i don't want there's a limit right i don't want biden driving me in a car yeah well ageist i think ageist what it really means in practice is like just because i'm 40 doesn't mean i don't know how to code right it doesn't like if you're fucking 118 i'm allowed to say shit about you okay like you know the reason you can't get in super trouble for ageism though is because none of those old fucks are on twitter so like they don't have the power to gain social will to cancel yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh let's not get old i hope we reverse aging i've always had them like i think i'm at the part where they reverse aging I heard like Will Smith and Biden

they inject young blood and do themselves right? what the fuck are you reading for me? this podcast is a truthful podcast I don't want any fucking QAnon bullshit on here sure alright this next headline I'm very excited because we were talking

about hentai and I feel like this is related I feel like we have a weird relationship with cartoons and sex. Lola Bunny's desexualized Space Jam 2 redesign sparks intense debate. Now, you've seen Space Jam? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a sports guy, but I was into Michael Jordan at that time. Yeah, sure. You saw Space Jam?

Yeah. I don't think I lusted after her. I don't recall her like, I mean, I know she's supposed to be like sexy. It's always like, they always do that, like the green M&M. Why is everybody trying to fuck the green M&M? But they make her sexy. But it wasn't like a Jessica Rabbit type situation. But Jessica Rabbit, that was an adult movie.

Oh, I see. So I haven't seen the movie in a long time, but I don't, I'll tell you this, I don't remember like any of her parts in it. You know, I just remember like Michael Jordan, he was trying to play baseball. But I see it now and I'm like, I'm sure if I, I don't think I was,

I didn't have any pubes when I saw this and I can see how she would be attractive. I know, but what's the problem? It's just that they're trying to desexualize her. So the new version, she's like, her tits are gone. She's just a little bit thicker. Not quite as curvy. And the old version, she was like,

like Kardashian curves. Right, but was she playing basketball or was she just like a fan? She's playing basketball. Okay, so I don't know if getting rid of the boobs was like the right move, because if you're trying to okay so many thoughts on this I think that

so they did this because is it just because it's PC culture or because they're trying to be more appropriate to children but maybe it's more for children or maybe they just looked at it through the lens of today and as the person was like designing her and drawing these huge circles you know what this was a little weird

now that I think of it but was it r kelly was the song for space jam it was i believe i can fly that was the space jam song about how physically she actually looked or was it how did they i don't remember i think she flirted with bugs and bugs was like yeah yeah um i don't know i think if they're trying to teach... Here's the thing. I don't... This wasn't necessary because... If you want to make her a whole person, just give her more attributes,

more personality attributes other than hot, right? Sure. Dude, there are these kids... Okay, there are big boob women in the wild, okay? Yeah, there are. So you need to teach children how to respect that if you encounter one in the wild. So I think you should have just made her more of a person

like removing it is not gonna teach kids anything i also think it's one of those weirder things where like even us knowing and talking about it before it comes out you're like you guys wanted a pat on the back before it even like oh yeah that's the weird thing like yeah just like have it come out and then if someone who was watching was like oh yeah that's the weird thing like yeah just like have it come out and then if someone who was watching was like oh they they she has less titties now right then we could talk about it but it felt like them being like guess what we did and it feels like that they're wanting us to be like praising them before it even comes out yeah you know yeah you're saying there was something about like oh she can't be attractive and an interesting person.

Well, not even attractive. Because that's a spectrum. You know, like you can be unattractive with huge perfect titties, too. But you're like, it's just a weird thing where you're like, by saying like, no, she's going to be interesting now and not have this body. You're like, well, then that's a weird thing you've put on people with that body body exactly it's like oh so if you're smoking hot then i guess then you're not interesting yeah for sure it's just weird because it's before the movie has even come out yeah so that i do think there was i think there's some older guys we have a thing with i uh the guys who are like really cared about this i think there are a couple i want to clarify i do not care about there was some guy

with an attic and he had like Lola like stuffed animals and pictures. Yeah, I know. I think sometimes cartoon porn enters this interesting thing of like,

it's a mix of sex and nostalgia. Like there's like, maybe when you saw it, you were at that feeling where you were just coming into your sexual awakening and like it turned you on.

And so I think like, you just, it becomes conflated there's a good feeling you enjoy whatever the sex thing is i mean whenever you go whenever i go on like pornhub the ads will always be like it's like marge fucking bart jesus douglas has a really part is also a child like this is really fucked i'd like to douglas had that bit about the um the animation porn about like what he doesn't like about it is that they mix worlds. Yes.

Like it'll be like Peter Griffin fucking March Simpson. You're like, they're not even in the same thing. Like, you know, like comics and Marvel comics. Aquaman can't fuck, you know,

uh, whoever else want a captain. Do you ever, would you ever go through a hentai phase? Are you, here's my story with hentai. It was the first point I was exposed to because in Japan, like it's pretty common.

Um, I don't know if people, I would say, I mean, there is actual porn too. So there's that. But I think that when I remember when I was eight, I still,

I was like seven or eight second grade. I still lived in Japan. And I remember, uh, I was living in like an apartment complex and my friends and I, who lived in the same building, we're like fucking around, like by the the we always like walk by the um in japan you like go to a trash room if you live in a building like that you don't just throw your trash in the

chute you have to go down you have to separate your own trash yeah it's very nice actually you like separate plastic trash that burns trash that doesn't burn it's a whole thing so we were like taking out the trash or something and we found a stack of hentai manga um and we were eight like we didn't know what it was but we just we just like knew it was bad yeah so we were like in the trash and like reading it and these people it wasn't like octopus porn we're just like regular people having like sex or something yeah and we're like whoa this is crazy i remember like getting a boner i was like i don't know what this is but this is kind of nice you know and then like yeah that's and then like like an adult came in and we're just like we like scattered and that but that was my first exposure to porn because we didn't have internet yeah you know so

it was just like we did but it was like dial up you know so sure so that was my exposure to it it definitely did turn me on did i go through a hentai phase i mean i'd be lying if i said i didn't watch it but like i'm not like i don't think i went through a phaseentai phase i mean i'd be lying if i said i didn't watch it but like i'm not like i don't think it went through a phase it was just more like well it's already on here like might as well just click on it i remember there was like because i was going through the dragon ball z phase and there was there was uh there was like the legendary was called uh sailor moon z okay and it was like sailor it was like a wedding goku fucking all these and i you know i like dragon ball and like i saw balma and i'm like, I want to fuck Bulma.

Yeah. And I finally downloaded it, probably like after I was like really excited about it and I finally figured out how to download on LimeWire or something. And the thing with that kind of hentai is like the animation is so bad. Yeah.

That it'll be like Goku and he's like hard and then it's like a paper cutout, like moving in and out. Oh my God. This reminds me of, I used to, maybe this is hentai porn. and he's like hard and then it's like a paper cutout like moving in and out yes oh my god this reminds me of um i used to maybe this is hentai porn i i remember you guys ever go to like new grounds.com yes new grounds they had like a naughty section you don't know you don't know e-bombs it feels like similar to new grounds it's like you know this is when like flash was still a thing but like adobe flash player but they would do it was like a it was like youtube before youtube

but with like inappropriate animation stuff and they had a section where you could play like inappropriate games do you ever that I don't think I did that yeah you got to go there bro it's a good time so I would go there I play these like porn games where you like go on a date with this girl and you like get points and like and then if you get enough points you can like fuck her and once you're fucking her you can like clear you click a bunch of times like make her orgasm and stuff so I've done stuff like that this one's like really young maybe third grade fourth grade those video games i see those uh it's actually is for my this has got to stop it's going to be a porn thing but

uh there's all these porn video games where they'll be like they'll they're advertised it it'll be like how long can you last oh yeah it'll last as long as I so choose. I will slow down if I want to last longer. There's a whole, like, but to your point, like, my problem with the E-Bombs World thing was that, or sorry, Newgrounds was that the animation was shitty. In Japan, they actually sell games for PlayStation and whatever that are, like, they're not publicly advertised,

but it's, like, dating games, love dating games, where you, like, date a girl, and you have to, like, spend, it like date a girl and you have to like spend, it's like a Pokemon. You keep taking her out. If you don't take her out, she's going to get mad at you. And like,

you have to get to a certain point and then you can have like sex with her. And it's like, I'm sure, you know, it's a $50 game. I'm sure it's a lot better than fucking new grounds.com. But like there you'll find, I wonder if it's related to like,

I think part of the reason like cartoon porn is kind of weird is it's just like cartoons is still associated as a kid's thing. And so like, I just, I feel like people don't want to it'll never be embraced i mean porn is already a weird thing in america despite it being so insanely popular but like cartoons it's like oh that's that's weird interesting you're gonna watch something your kids are watching i i mean as an artist um i would like to say i like to say cartoons are not just for kids i think animation is a medium of course yeah oh yeah i mean i still watch like beautiful animation things that are geared towards adults you know there's a lot of anime out there that are like not for kids man like well i was i was one of those kids i i grew up i was never into marvel

superheroes so i was a big anime head and i just happened to live in a place where no one was into it yeah and like you couldn't make anyone to like i forced my dad to go see the cowboy bebop movie in theaters but that's a sick ass anime that's a great anime it's a great anime a lot but a lot of like boobs and shit in that but unless you grow up with it like i think i i think i couldn't get russell to watch an anime movie with me i i i am biased against all animation. I have the hardest time. Even when someone's like, you gotta see this,

the biggest Pixar movie of all time. I ultimately will watch them. And I, there's something about it. I don't know if it's like, cause it's not real people. I'm not connecting in a, in a,

in a meaningful way. There's something about it that it's like, I was never a Simpsons person or South Park or, I really like it. I really, I don't know what it is. that it's like, I was never a Simpsons person or South park or I really like it. I really, I don't know what it is. Cause it's like, I can see it and be like, I know that this is good.

Right. Right. Right. Right. Moving. And this is, but there's something in me where I'm like, I don't connect with it.

Not even the, the, um, what's that guy who does like all the spirited away that shit. What's his name? The G brief. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's like, they'll be like, Oh, it's artsy. No, and there is. And, and there, there's his name? The G-Brief? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's like, they'll be like, oh, it's artsy. It is artsy. No, and there is.

And there's just something about, I know it's a my thing fault, a fault in me. It's not even. A fault. That's so interesting that you can't watch it. Not even I can't. It just takes me a lot more amping up to be like, you got to watch this thing everyone's talking about. And then I'll be like, that was really good.

But like, I'm never naturally finding myself wanting to do it. Have you ever watched hentai? No. I did want to say something, though. Finding porn in the garbage room thing. That was Russell who walked in, actually. Hey, give me that. I just heard this story.

Can you give it back, please? I just heard this story. He flew. He flew as a fan. back please i just heard this story he flew i uh no i did hear the story recently of uh my wife's uh sister uh stepsister who lives in florida hey um she um her boyfriend was like going to take trash to the garbage room and he like walked in and like in the corner of the room was like huge trash bag but like legs like sticking out like on the ground like in the corner of the room was like a huge trash bag but like legs like sticking out like on the ground like in the kind of like dark corner of the room and he was like

fuck like this is a body and like he went and got his girlfriend and and they baby baby quick well it was just like what is this you know like just to be like what you know and then they got there and it was a full sex doll. But someone just threw it out, was done. And then they were like, yeah. And then they just left it in their apartment complex thing. And you're like, that is really funny to think about. Like those people that spend like two thousand four thousand, however much those sex dolls cost that are really elaborate.

You're like, and then when you want to get rid of it, you throw it away yeah i'm in a bag i would try it but like even like a flashlight i had fleshlight in high school and even now like high school high school what were you is it good i need to like i keep it's one of those things that cost just like tiny bit too much i'm always like don't buy this you know but you said you had it i did in high school you went to and bought it yourself or what happened yeah i think I bought it on the website and I shipped it to my dad. I remember the out pervert in high school having

that. That's a little intense for high school. I'm going to have to say that. No, I would put it... The cleaning is the real problem and it got gross fast. But I would put it between the mattress and the bed stand so I could like

fuck it doggy style. Just humping the bed. I mean it's not that weird man. It's not that weird but then one day I'm at dinner as an adult

with my grown sisters and younger brother all younger and they're all over 21 and one of them's like you remember

how Jamarco had a flashlight and all three of them like knew that I had and I like kept it in my sock drawer or whatever and all three of them's like, you remember how Jamarco had a flashlight and all three of them like knew that I had, and I like kept it in my sock drawer or whatever. And all three of them at some point I was at my dad's house. I was at college,

had seen it. And my step, my parents also moved. And so like, I know at some point they opened it and they're like, and, uh, it got like,

it definitely got like a little bit weirdly sticky and hair stick to it i'm i have so my friend got me one as a joke so i have that one i use it twice but it's just so crazy to maintain that i might get rid of it but to your point to your point i was just like how am i gonna throw this away just like garbage like how do i do i sell it i'll take care of it yeah so i got another one this is the thing i'm thankful for i don't know if i'm doing that segment but i got another one that's like easier to clean smaller and it's open-ended on both i see so you're like it kind of comes out when i was in germany i mean different places are so different about sex and in the vending machine the bathroom vending machine they had something that was called uh a pocket pussy and it was essentially like it was just like a squeezy thing that you came with

a little like ketchup thing of lube yeah and uh you filled it with water it was already full and it was just like a way to jerk off that was just a little bit well this is like in a like a family restaurant like what what it was like a beer hall yeah like you could get condoms or a pocket pussy and i'm like i'm like this is so great i just think it's great so you go to a bar you're really horny you're like okay i couldn't get some pussy i'll get some pocket pussy nothing like i recently this past week was at the museum of sex and i'd never been very far you've been a museum of sex you gotta go and it wasn't you know what what was crazy to me though was everyone's response like i was like there was

nothing there that no one has seen or like you know we all have seen porn like so you're you're looking at stuff and just like i felt like i was in middle school with all the adults being like oh my god like like just seeing like normal things that you're like it was just crazy it reminded me of america's like weird thing with sex like that people were like taking photos of everything and giggling crazily at like you know like they're going home to watch in black gangbang yeah but it's just like in public it's like yeah yeah yeah um all right well let's move on to my favorite segment let's see right button this has got to stop this has got to stop uh where we talk about something that has just gotta stop in society uh fumi you want to go first you have something this has got to stop oh wait we're gonna write down okay so many

things uh this has got to stop okay i don't know if you can relate to this are we all in our 30s yeah i don't know if this is too comedy specific but fear of death i'm so sick of fucking gen z kids who are who shit on millennials for like not being woke and stuff but then you watch their videos on tiktok and it's like so racist you notice that like like there's a lot of um a lot of tiktok is just young immigrant kids who film their immigrant parents pronouncing things incorrectly sure you know so it'll be like you guys are woke enough and then it's like mama it's like a chinese mom with a chinese accent and that's like follow me guys you know yeah and it's like i thought you were supposed to be the woke ones you know they shit on they shit on millennials because we're not

educated whatever it is and then they just fucking do that and i just it makes me sick there's a really there's a fine line between like are you is your parents in on the do that and i just it makes me sick there's a really there's a fine line between like are you is your parents in on the fun or are you just like look at my dumb fucking parent dude who like overcame intense intense atrocities and struggles to be here yes but i think that's tough i think it's i think it's like tough to assess like because as as we're talking about accents are funny it's just like a sad reality of the world it's funny when you're used to hearing something said a way that you grew up with.

And even had to stop saying normal, regular. If you hear you're used to things being said a certain way and then you hear it different, it's funny to the ear. We cannot help it. So what's the difference between bringing your parents in on the fun and what's just like filming your parents struggling to speak their fifth language? I guess the conclusion I what's just like filming your parents struggling to speak their fifth language. I mean, I guess the point, the conclusion I came to is like, oh, I mean, I would do

something like that if I was your age. So it's like, you're not any different from when I was 16 or whatever. I think the biggest problem is just people thinking that they're not shitty people. I think that's the thing too with generational things where you're like everyone i just by default younger people are always going to feel like they they like oh everyone like they yeah so stupid and and then by default uh being over it you're like looking down being like what do you who do you think you are and it's just like one of those kind of weird boring things that just always happens that like why are we why do we have to in these generations they're also they're huge ranges of ages like yeah there's millennials i think 40 40 yeah it's just like we're not we have nothing in common yeah i i think it's funny

sometimes i someone i went to high school with was like was like i'm so sick of millennials blah blah and and you're like you are a millennial like what are you like there's some people that think that millennial is still tied to just a young person but they're like a 36 year old person that you're like you are a millennial like they people don't even know what yeah you're in you know yeah it's i think it's just that it would happen with there was something i we it was going to be one of the articles about uh gen z cancels emin, yeah, yeah. But the problem is like, there's not that many who really care, but all these news organizations,

they're like, here's a little thing. And then they prop it up, they create a narrative. It's so funny. I was looking at that article and like, you know how they'll post tweets to like add a narrative of like people are outraged.

And so I still put up a tweet that has like three likes. And you're like, oh, this wasn't part of the conversation but they were just digging and this is like this person who no one follows yeah yeah yeah all right russell what's your this has got to stop no i want to hear yours first because uh i'm sorry i have to text my friend real quick is that okay yeah go ahead okay i'll go so my my this has got to stop this has got to stop there are porn commercials about pills that increase your

porn commercials about pills that increase your cum load. Yeah, yeah. That one. So there's this one where basically the commercial it's like two cups next to each other. In between them is this bottle of cum pills. And the first one's filled with, frankly,

too much cum. Too much cum. And it has the five second countdown before you can skip the ad. But before it reaches that zero the other one cum starts like ice cream like

filling the glass until it runneth over with semen and you can't skip it and like I'm like trying to jerk off

and I gotta see just massive amount of cum and I don't know if I'm weird because clearly it's working but I have never been like you know what I feel insecure about the amount'm weird because clearly it's working but i have never been like you know what i'm feeling insecure about the amount of cum i know that's because it's always just like oh god

fuck it's a mess i don't need more cum i'd rather have a pill that's like it's a little drop it's a little dab yeah yeah you can run that's way better no mess no mess yeah i think um i don't like that commercial because the the the music is so loud for it. How does it go? And it's just like, like, it's just like it's the same thing. And it's sometimes when I'm like, oh, like, if anyone were to overhear that, you would just as a man, I would know that, oh, that's that commercial on Pornhub. You heard it on the train. You'd look at the guy like, I know what you're doing, buddy.

But, yeah, I don what you're doing, buddy. But yeah, I don't know who needs that much. I guess because you're watching porn, they think that you want to have like giant loads. Clearly there's some people who must dig cum, like a lot.

I think girls think it's a compliment sometimes if you cum a lot. Like it's like compliments to the chef of a sort? It's like you send your chef a picture of your shit. Like, look at this.

It's like them. It's like, Oh, look what I did to you. Kind of thing. It's like, you couldn't contain yourself. You know,

I've like, I've heard some, I don't know. I've definitely like gotten, I've gotten head. Hey. And that goes with like, Oh,

you came a lot. Like I've heard that before. It's like, Oh, do you like that? It's kind of gross, but okay. I feel like maybe when you're 50, like maybe you start like getting like a dryer yeah i feel like it gets reduced or it gets like

really like watery maybe really watery or like and that's so maybe sometimes i see these ads and i'm like oh this is for like later they want that thick thick cum yeah but there's no way they want a cup yeah that's an insane i'd be worried i see a doctor. That's a beverage at that point. You know, that's a lot. I don't know if I've ever tasted a cup. I feel like once like younger where I was on my back

and like some, when I was younger and it shot and I think like a drop got in my mouth. You think? But I've never like tasted it. You don't fucking think that. You fucking know, bro.

That's fine. That's fine. But just you lying and saying like that. I think maybe I shot some cum Or maybe You know how guys We don't do this It's problematic but sometimes guys will be like

Oh I think I just like came in you You just did that but with your own fucking mouth I think I just I'm so sorry I didn't know I don't think it went in though I think we're good I'll pay you for plan B

I'll fucking pay you Oh boy But I don't know what cum tastes like I couldn't identify it Like if we I bet it's just like a salty little thing You know I imagine

I think it would make me gag. I think it's like a loogie, you know? I think I just imagine something like that. I hate it. I hate it, but it's also like

not that big of a deal. Would you ever do a snowball? What's a snowball? A snowball is a thing where you come in a woman's mouth and then she makes out with you. No. I remember like,

you hear these terms as a kid where there was like a snowball and there was something called like a cherry pie and it'd be like, you go down in her when she's on her period, you come in her mouth and then you make out with it and then it's like a make out. I'm just like, as a kid where there was like a snowball and there's something called like a cherry pie and it'd be like you go down in her when she's on her period you come in her house and you make out with it and then it's like a make i'm just like you're as a kid you're like i haven't even kissed a woman

this is insane shit yeah um all right russell this has got to say i don't have a very good one um but uh this has got to stop um okay so i'm from upstate new york a lot of people uh small town they're very not sure if they want to get this vaccine so i have my timeline is crazy on if i go on a facebook or something and uh what's got to stop for me is like the people there being like i'm too i'm just independent i'm not a sheep and then at the same time they're the same people that have like a live laugh love sign hanging in their house or like a believe they got married to their high school sweetheart so you're like nothing about your life is like breaking norms or truly rebellious or like but like they're like i'm not getting that thing because i'm not doing

what people told me like you're doing everything society has taught you and told you to do and now you're going to be like no i'm not going to it's something i know that it's a very niche thing but uh because i think most people are just whatever you know but i it's a very frustrating thing on my time and there's a lot of people that will not get the vaccine because they they they're not cheap oh i see um so that's my thing that term we all exploit the term of sheep like yes sheeple it's like people or conspiracy theorists call them sheeple yes we call trump people sheeple yeah oh yeah sorry i thought you're talking about basic people but you're talking about sheep people i know i i'm talking about i'm talking about the thing of like

it's just when people think that they're being like, oh, I'm actually like my own thinker. I'm actually doing my own research on the things. And you're like, no, you're just doing it. It's just like the idea of like, oh, so the individual thing about you is you go against scientists, but you follow every other cultural cue and the Bible and your priest. And you're mad about the same things that people like you are mad about. Like you're mad, you know, you're mad about Dr.

Seuss this week or whatever. Like you're, you know, it's like they're, they're mad about all the same things that people like them are mad about. We're all sheep in, in some way. We just all,

we, I mean, I hope more people get the vaccine. I think they will. There's going to be peer pressure, but there are people who are like, I'm going to wait. And it's like,

what are you going to wait for? Yeah. Like, what do you what do you you do so many things every day you've gotten other shots you got the hepatitis shot or like uh uh what's the one with metal uh uh where were you rusty metal oh uh yeah no i know um is it tb i don't even know yes tb shot yeah yeah but like i'm like yeah maybe that'll give you cancer in 30 years no one nobody's doing the research on that if you want to be a scientist, that's fine, but you've got to dig in. Otherwise, you're just guessing. And don't pretend that you're not just guessing.

Yeah. All right. Now here's the one part where we try to be a little bit positive. This is You Better Count Your Blessing. You better count your blessing. Actually, it's not called that. It's called count your blessing,

but that's the lyric is you better count your blessing. So, uh, let's, let's go, let's go quick. Let's say the one thing that we're, we're grateful for.

If we will end with you. Um, Oh fuck. I don't know if, Oh, I don't know how to answer this one. So, uh,

my, my, uh, my blessing this week. Um, I, I, if you watch any of these video clips answer this one so uh my my uh my blessing this week um i i if you watch any of these video clips you'll see that my wall is painted it was painted uh uh and other walls in my apartment by mike racine who is a great stand-up comedian weird to hire comedians to do shit for you i hired movers and they're both comics and i was like oh god they're gonna

know who was it david drake and lane something lane pichelle or something yeah he has they had that show uh uh punk soap somewhere i don't know they were not they did a good job but i was also like it's just like a lot to they're gonna see into my personal life they're gonna meet my girlfriend oh that part oh sure and just like we have nice furniture and shit you know what i mean because kai was like oh we're so poor and it's like no we have nice furniture and shit. You know what I mean? Cause Kyle was like, Oh, we're so poor. And it's like, no, I have a job, you know? I'm fine. I think it was more weird just cause like,

I, my Christine is like a great, great comic. Yeah. I was more like anxious, just like spending three hours with him and not coming off like a loser. Why did you hire, you hired him specifically?

Yeah. He helped me move. Cause I saw him posting about it and he's, he's about to have like a kid. And he thought he could use the money. Yeah. I mean, I don't think he's like, he's like hurting for I saw him posting about it, and he's about to have a kid. You thought he could use the money? Yeah. I mean, I don't think he's hurting for it, but I was just like, why not hire a comic? Yeah.

But it was funny because we were talking shit about comedians, as you do, talking shit on people. And he was joking about the fact that we were talking shit on these more famous comics while he was trying to get paint stains out of my floor. He's like, yeah, you know, Sebastian Maniscalco, he's so overrated. He's all right. Could you give me some sandpaper? This one's a tough one to get paint stains out of my floor. He's like, yeah, you know, Sebastian Maniscalco, he's so overrated. He's all right. Could you give me some sandpaper? This one's a tough one to get out. But he was great, and I really admire him as a comic. I really like this color.

Thank you very much. I really like, I got the more expensive, you know, just making that decision like, yeah, spend 50 more bucks, because it's going to be better. Was it just this wall? It's my bedroom wall, where I do my self-tapes, and. Yeah, fucking 32. Because it's going to be better. Was it just this wall? It's my bedroom wall. Oh, okay. For where I do my self-tapes. And then bathrooms, there's a light blue.

That's only noticeable all the way around. This is a two-bedroom apartment. Oh. Yeah, technically they said this was a bedroom, but it's very small. There's no way anyone can live here. Well, I think the guy who died, died right here. Really? Mm-hmm.

Did that really happen? Did he die? Yeah. Yeah. Like how? I mean, like, so what happened my my i can't believe you like you moved in like damn i'm so scared of ghosts i didn't like the body was gone by the time i came you're scared of ghosts i don't feel you never think about that when you're just like you think that if you died if you're gonna ghost you're gonna stay in your like small

new york apartment you wouldn't go to some mansion somewhere you don't think you get that option i don't know you don't know this guy was a fucking weirdo isn't your energy just trapped where it was you know it's weird i still get like i still get i don't know i have to figure out what to do about it i still get government like mail of like you know that guy like yeah like probably he owed money somewhere or something and i get these these mail for him oh and uh i want to write them be like hey he's dead dude yeah i don't think i, damn. I don't know if I could live here, man. That scares me. I'm scared of ghosts. Even for Iran? Maybe.

But like, just... I'd be so scared. I'm more scared of like fucking shit that happens on the... Someone was shot across the street like two weeks ago. That's what I'm scared of. Not the fucking ghosts. Was this an old Jewish guy? Or was he like a crazy person?

I assume he was Jewish. Because you said that you got this apartment from a jewish guy my uncle's i mean the jewish people own the building oh i thought it was like a i thought it's like a friend like this is like your family friend okay and you're friends with only jewish people okay i uh i'm really thankful for Jewish people. Okay. Um, my blessing. Um, I got my first vaccine shot, uh,

this week, so I'm excited. Wow. That's, that's my blessing this week. And you, and you did it the way you just called and you went, uh,

no, I, uh, no, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm, you fool me. What the fuck? No, um, I, I, I'm fat. And, uh, so there's that just do that and will you

because there's like things covered and i have high blood pressure okay okay so you have uh have comorbidity but guess what they didn't they didn't and it was the high blood pressures was the thing like there wasn't like a box that said fat no it does there's a thing can you imagine with someone like bad body image issues being like i'm fat fat, and they're like, no, you're not. If your BMI is high enough, you can do it. Okay, but the word, it's not like, the box doesn't say fat. Basically, though. But yes, no, it says it nicely.

It says BMI, you know, like if your thing is over. There's a box next to a picture of a person being like, it's fat Albert. But they didn't ask me for anything when I went there, but maybe just because I'm fat. But I also didn't hear them ask skinny people, so I don't know how much they're checking. But I'm not doing this as a

PSA to cheat. Is that like when you ID someone who's really old? You're like, so why do you qualify for the shot? Stop it. You know why. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, no, it was great. I guess I should add on to that. I got mine.

I went to a pharmacy where they were about to throw it out. So I feel like I didn't break any rules. I didn't take it from anyone else. They're going to throw it away. I got the first shot. I feel great. Fumi. Yes.

What are you thankful for? Beside the Jews. The Jews. Shout out to the Jews. You guys are awesome. I don't, I guess like, I got this new flashlight that's pretty cool. So now what was wrong?

Now why'd you get, oh, you said it's got two, a double orifice. Okay, so this one's called the Quickshot. Okay. It's about the size of this can. Maybe a little smaller.

So about the circumference of my dick. Yeah. According to a third grader, yes. And then it's got, it's got a hole in both sides. One is the vagina.

The other one's a butt. Butt orifice. Hey. Yeah. And what's got, it's got a hole in both sides. One is the vagina. The other one's a butt. Butt orifice. Hey. Yeah. And what's great about it is the cleanup, the cleanup, man. It's double. It's double. So you don't, you're not actually like finishing in the thing.

So you finish. But so you have to aim when you finish. Yeah. It's kind of like using your hands, you know, so you have to like have stuff ready. Sure. To clean. Um, and then it's small enough that you you can flip it inside out so you can dry it 45 minutes next to

a radiator that dries out everything. How much? 45 minutes? How much is the thing? How much does it cost? 45 bucks. I like you broke up with this girlfriend. Now you can put your flashlight next to the public radiator. I live in a studio. I literally have it just next

to my computer. You're going to forget which which end are you using buddy you know the the so i started with the vagina off course of course you know of course you can't start with the butt yeah that's not yes that's rude but the butt one is feeling pretty good is it tighter entry point? The entry point is tighter, I think. Maybe that's why. It just feels a little more interesting. It's kind of like, you know,

it's kind of like you're used to your right hand, so then you try, you know, it's kind of like that. It's like I've had a fleshlight before, so I know what the vagina part kind of feels like. I've seen a fake vagina before. That was the worst part of a fleshlight because I had to go down on it first for like 30 minutes before it was really good. Well, that's great. what is it called again because i think i'm gonna get this i mean i would recommend to any listener it's called the quick shot it's really small and it comes with a plastic container

easy to store easy to dry dude it's it's awesome it's really great you should make them a sponsor for your show yeah we should reach out to them i mean right now we're like sponsored by like i don't know like random fucking mattresses and shit So for sure I was buying the mattress off a podcast I don't live with them with us for a while shot the helix sleep mattress go to helix sleep mattress calm slash Use promo code Asian I think for free shipping. Okay. Thank you. Okay. I want some of that money Anything anything you want to plug other than your podcast? I just listen to my podcast, Asian Not Asian.

Also find me on Instagram at TheFumiAbe. That's T-H-E-F-U-M-I-A-B-E. Russell, anything coming up? No. Okay. I'm performing in Appleton, Wisconsin in April. I don't know when these podcasts are going to come out, so these are all very useless. You need to release them, bro.

I don't know what you're doing holding onto them. I'm figuring shit out. It's very hard. Because you're doing current events. No, it's not. Lola Bunny's going to be in the news for a while. How many do you have?

You have three? I have three. If you have three, then if you release them all at once. I'm this close. I'm working really hard. You don't think I know this? You don't think I'm thinking

about every second of the fucking day? I got to go. Everyone, downside, fuck everybody. No, Ross. That's not... No.

This has got to stop. One, two, three. Go. Ross. That's not... No! This has got to stop. One, two, three. Go! Well, thank you. Thank you. You know, Russell, we talk at the... This is like the fun thing

where we kind of talk as we go away. Yeah, yeah, yeah.