The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #30 Imaginary Grenades with Usama Siddiquee

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

Usama Siddiquee shares the downsides of tutoring kids in math, growing up in Plano, Texas, having a brother who married their cousin, his family throwing an intervention for him to quit stand-up comedy, asking his mom to say “I’m proud of you” for his America’s Got Talent segment, staying at a fan’s house that was filled with dog hair but no dog, and we discuss his original opening joke where he threw an imaginary grenade at an audience member and shouted “YOU’RE DEAD!” Watch full video of this episode HERE Join The Downside Patreon for early ad-free episodes, TWO bonus episodes a month (AUDIO & VIDEO), + the good feeling inside that you're helping keep this thing going. Follow USAMA SIDDIQUEE on instagram, tiktok, & twitter Listen to USAMA SIDDIQUEE's Mango Bae podcast & join their patreon Watch USAMA SIDDIQUEE crush the first round of America's Got Talent Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You know how Mark Maron, in the beginning, he does that spiel and it's separate. We're kind of like doing that spiel, but you're in it. And then I will formally be like, now let's talk about you. Sure, sure. So if I have something to say, I can be quiet too. No, I'd rather you say something. Please jump in. Please. Originally, when we were doing it... I guess the downside is hosting with him.

I talk to him a lot. The original idea, they were just going to sit there. And then I'm sitting here with these guests. And I wouldn't give a shit about you sitting here for 10 minutes. But sometimes we'd have a guest where I'm like, I'm asking Ted Alexander to watch me talk

for 10 minutes before I bring him on. Oh, real quick, snap for the cameras. We're going to do it on the three. One, two. All right, snap for the cameras. We're going to do it on the three. One, two. All right. Welcome to The Downside. My name is Jermarcus Arezi. I'm here with my co-host.

Russell Daniels. Russell Daniels. Why do you sound like the first time you're doing the podcast? I know. You always have that. Russell Daniels.

Scared. And we are today, we are joined by an incredible stand-up comedian podcaster uh i admire him very much usama sadiki what's up buddy what's up buddy how how are you feeling feeling good man i'm i'm happy to be here actually i've seen geo markers rise okay all right well just just you know this general demeanor this podcast it's a negative kind of podcast and

and his fall like emotionally as well you know i'm saying saved it you're listening to the downside the downside we are here oh my god what are you laughing at has anyone ever not laughed at that song uh most people don't laugh at it but we do have one listener who just listens if the guests mention. The guy who wrote the song. He listens to the podcast, I think, just to hear if the guests like the theme song. It's a hilarious theme song.

I have fans on our podcast that are like, we hate your pod. We don't listen to it at all, but the theme song we listen to nine times a day. This is the Mango Bay? Mango Bay, yeah. We don't like y'all at all. We don't like your energy, but the theme song we listen to nine times a day this is the mango mango bay yeah so we don't like y'all at all we don't like your energy but the song is unbelievable they're working out to the mango bay theme song yeah uh did you compose that song no no we sang it and then um olivia and joe you know them um uh mixed it produced it those listening to the pod you know olivia joe olivia and joivia uh so um this this is a messy week i'm going to la uh tomorrow but uh tova and i were supposed to stay at my mom's she's moved in

with her new boyfriend yeah we found out the new boyfriend has a cat oh my god tova is deathly allergic okay to cats so we lost our place the mom for 10 days shit so what do you gotta do we're bumming around you know I put it on Instagram and some strangers reached out and I was like Toby here's some people she's like no I was like Jesus John Mark Doe for some tours and it's the

most disgusting thing like you get some weirdos you get some real weirdos they follow you so you don't know how invested they are there's a a thing where, you know, you have fans, and I have like five fans, and I'd say you would have like 20. I think you're doing great. When you're the beginning,

those fans, and I'm sorry, some of them are podcast listeners, some of them are very weird. Dude, I stayed with a fan once, and she had a dog, all the dog hair in the world, but no dog. And no one mentioned it. Why is there so much dog hair, but and she had a dog, all the dog hair in the world, but no dog. And no one mentioned it. Why is there so much dog hair,

but there's not a dog inside? What is that? Why did you mention it? You seem like somebody who- Do you think it just died and she was like- Maybe it was that. Still having company. She was also a-

Didn't wanna cancel on you. She has glasses that are huge and when you look through them, like the eyes become huge. She was that kind of lady. We watched a bible um a bible scene vhs of like some uh you know shitty uh green screen yeah bible show and then i was with chica robinson my friend and then she was like um anyway it's time to sleep and then we go

to her bed and i wake up with bed bugs we oh my god yeah wait how did you find this woman how did you connect with her Facebook? Where was she a fan of you that she's I mean the cross-section of Bible video watch She was a fan based on like another friend of ours had this person as a fan as a cross-section Oh, you like him? I also like him and that she knew both comics and then it was kind of like a one-two and we know she's not crazy But then when we went to her place, she went full. Yeah, okay.

Now, did you reach out to her being like, we need a place to stay, or did she reach out like, you're coming through, do you need a place to stay? My friend told me about her, and I said, hey, apparently you offer your place to wait for us. Oh, okay, okay.

So she's offered before. Exactly. Terrifying. Did you guys sleep together? No. No, but I think I fucked her dog at some point. At one point I woke up and there was like a spirit of her dog humping me. It was weird.

And then the dog hair everywhere. She gave me a towel after I showered. And then I put the towel all over my body and I fucking dried myself. And it was dog hair all over my body. So even the towel had dog hair on it. Yeah. How do you know you can identify dog hair as opposed to maybe pubes? Who the fuck?

No, you can tell. There's pubes everywhere. Are you like, what is dog hair versus what is pubes? I'm saying, how do you know what dog hair is? If you go into a house and you saw hair all over a couch, I would never be like, that's pube hair all over our couch. It wouldn't, I would never be like, that's pube hair all over the couch. I wouldn't know it's dog.

No, pube hair is way more. Haven't you seen pube hair before? It's way more curly. I haven't, Russell. It's fine. No, I don't think I can identify. Jewish hair stops

right above actually. I have no pubes. It's a funny weird thing. Jewish curly hairy man and then just nothing. Nothing down below the belly button. I think it's hard to tell between my pubic hair

and my shoulder hair and my lower back hair. It's all just kind of curly. Dog hair is not as curly. It's definitely more. Dog pube hair, that's a whole different thing now. Now we're in territory I don't even know. Well, that's part of the human where we have

lice for our hair. We have other kind of bugs for other hair and then pubic. At some point based on apes, the hair is separated for some reason into different regions. Interesting. Maybe based on heat temperatures and stuff like that. That was my... I don't like... Do you trim?

I trim. Do you have any pubes? I have a lot of pubes. Okay. That was definitely never my shortcoming was the pubes. More of a long coming. You know what I'm saying? So yeah, this LA trip is kind of fucked.

But you have places. I think we have a place now. One place. We're staying at my sister's for one night. That was clear that we can stay one night. What's the location? I think it's in West Hollywood. I still don't know LA stuff.

Okay. I don't know the locations. I don't drive. Someone told me the Uber situation has gotten way worse. Yeah, yeah. LA can be rough in terms of getting around. Well, you know, I still book like I'm a New York comic. So I'll tell my poor mother, and she is very nice when I go to LA, but I'll be like, so

I'm here at 8, and then I got to be here by 8.30. And my mom's like, okay, well, that's literally impossible. Yeah. And I'm like, Mom, I've got to make it. I told them. Dude, I used to book shows in L.A. I'll do it. I'll do a New York comic.

I'll do it. Three shows. And you book one in East L.A., one on the beach. You know what I'm saying? And then you book one in like Vallejo, California. In your mind, it's like Upper East. Take a bus to Central. It's not that at's like it takes an hour to get to places sometimes you know and it's like not in new york where you can just do 19 things a day and condense your your growth yeah there's no growth condensing uh when was the last time you

were in la for some like i did some pilot. I was like shipping that around Like five months ago during pandemic It was okay. It was good. It was been been pandemic. I was opening for this Netflix special Nibiru gases someone else also open for that Like aphrodite guy about the bug. I got bug. I see there's another comic who hasn't ever done London Hughes She has a Netflix special and that's why I open for her so I was telling Russell I got this I got this casino gig in October and it's

I don't know who I'm featuring essentially and it pays phenomenal amazing but it's so interesting like the headliner I hadn't heard of him I don't know who he is

but I'm just like it's incredible where there's comics who I haven't heard of but who like are older and have had full careers and it's not even like

a real person it's like give it up for you it's like one night only real person. It's like, you better prove it. It's like, yeah, one night only, Jiminy Cricket or something.

Like, what the fuck is this guy? And then you go in and you're like, Jiminy Cricket is like a millionaire and you're like, what? He like holds the mic stand. His last album was in 1996.

Yes. And then he does a thing where he like holds the mic stand and like gets shocked, you know, and the whole crowd is like, who is this genius? And Netflix approaches, he's like, who is this genius?

And Netflix approaches. He's like, no, I need to do fucking Netflix. You fucking hacks doing Netflix. I do Facebook watch only. Russell, I want to say you're going to get a new dog. I'm getting a dog. Speaking of dog hair. His last dog died.

Last dog died. Will it have pubes? That's a real question. No, it's a pit bull, so it's like the very dog hair. His last dog died. Last dog died. Will it have pubes? That's a real question. No, it's a pit bull, so it's like the very short hair. And what was your last dog? Pit bull mix. Pit bull boxer mix. Is it you or Nicole who likes the pit bulls? I love them.

And what about pit bulls? That's also a very intense dog, I feel like, to have. Yes, well, let me just say, just their last dog, very sweet, but the dog did not like me. And it's a big dog. It's a big dog. It didn't like anyone would come into the house.

It wasn't a Jewish thing. It was a people thing. I can't even imagine being a dog for some space of the day. Being a dog, seeing Joe Marco and getting more chill.

You know what I'm saying? Joe Marco is a very cool guy. Intense. You know? Intense. Coming from you, Osama, that's... I'm intense. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, for sure. I'm a very intense guy as well. Yeah. That's why I understand you. It's very like, hey, whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That kind of energy can be off... Dogs don't like me at all either.

Dogs are not like, yeah, I come in... See, I come in, I slither in, and I'm just going to like... You're slithering in. Like, right into... Well, that's why I was thinking maybe... You fuck your own dog. You know how I'll be slithering like right into well that's why i was thinking maybe you know how i'll be slithering in maybe like your next dog could have been like one of these little no little dogs i i can't connect to them i can't really to them emotionally i um i i just the little ones i just

there's nothing i feel i'm biased i actually don't i don't like them i don't i don't connect to them i don't there doesn't seem to be much of a soul there for me I like the bigger ones and I like there's something about pit bulls I really like they're very sweet they're very like loving to you as their owner and they're

I don't know do you like that they inspire fear do you ever feel like I always thought if I had a dog I get paranoid I check the locks minor OCD and I'm like if i had a dog and like a pit bull i think i would feel extra degree of like this dog yeah i do think uh no not in a way of like uh like home security but i do feel like in the way of i don't know maybe like a lot of people in my neighborhood have pit bulls too so it's like a neighborhood thing um but i also are powerful dogs like they're gorgeous they're very strong yeah uh and um but i don't know yeah there is something to it i do i do think it's a a reaction to to like seeing a lot of people in my life get

like the design like the pay a lot of money for for these little for like for like the dog that hyper allergenic like you know well no not even those like the ones that the hyperallergenic. Yeah, those bulldog types. Well, no, not even those. Like the ones where the hair, it's not an allergen. Like the allergies doesn't exist for it. Sure. The hair is like they're made in a lab kind of dogs. I mean, I look at bulldogs and they sound like open micers. You know, the level of like asthma they have.

It's like disgusting. I think it's disgusting I think they're like Chimeric almost They're like Merged animals Yes That should not have been

But happening Yeah I think there's A lot of dogs like that now I saw a comic the other day I'll keep it vague Someone knew And it was on a show And I wasn't watching

Of course Because I wasn't on stage And I just heard them go up And then clearly They forgot their first joke And then they said I think everyone, I'm leaving.

And just left the stage. And it was one of those things that were in my ear. I was like, I realized, wait, the set's ending? I thought it just started.

Like, that's all I remembered. And then I saw them just bolt off the stage. Bolt. You know when it has like the host, I've had it come up a couple times as a host

where like, you're in the green room sitting and you hear like, all right, good night everyone. And you're like, no! This wasn't like an open mic situation it was like someone who like somehow got a spot because they did a thing and the only time that that's matched is when

uh you have a host i'm gonna do a quick you know 10 up top goes up bombs the first joke and he's like all right y'all ready for some comedy That level of bolt is when that's jarring. But that is insane. That's an increased level of bolt. Have you ever seen someone walk, like leave that early? 30 seconds in? It's not a host.

You know what I'm saying? I've seen hosts many times. Yeah. Do a charity, you know, AIDS gala or something and they bomb the first AIDS joke and they're like,

whoa, speaking of AIDS, blah, blah, blah. And then you go up and you fucking have to, you know, work the whole room. But that's the way they always do it. We're going to do a minute up top and we'll bring you on. And you're like, blah, blah, blah. And then you go up and you fucking have to, you know, work the whole room. Yeah,

but that's the, they always, they're like, hey, we're going to do a minute up top and we'll bring you on. And you're like, oh,

so I'm not first, I'm hosting. It's always at a terrible show. It's never at a fun, easy show where you can just jump in. It's always like 19 geriatrics, you know,

who all had AIDS once. And then it's like, okay, here we go. All had AIDS once? Yeah. It was a, they all survived. It was a lucky group of old people. All at AIDS once? Yeah. They all survived.

It was a lucky group of old people. It was in college, yeah. But it was that kind of thing and it's like, I've never seen that in my life where someone just doesn't do the set. Yeah. I've seen a bomb. I've never seen a guy just like, I'm not even going to bomb. I don't even want to bomb.

I'm just going to leave before I even bomb. That's a very unique thing. It's just very interesting. What's his name exactly? First, last. Who is this guy. People always say in the beginning of stand-up

they're like, how do you memorize those things? And you're like, oh, when you're worried about that, it's not going to go well. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. For sure.

I mean, heart and mind have to go together, right? You mind your shit offstage. When you're on stage, there should be no more mind. It's all heart and mind. I would have liked to have seen you

in the beginning. I only saw you after you had figured. Well, Osama was one of the first, when I first started stand-up. And I did, Pace Studios was this like, I remember this.

It was this like very hot show, you know, Pace Magazine. Yeah. They had like a beautiful set up, beautiful cameras, like their library of music and records. And it was,

I remember seeing Osama. I was working with Kevin Labeson. And I was like, this guy's really good. And Osama just had these fantastic jokes. He still does them today. Still works. They're evergreen.

It's called evergreen. And I finagled my way onto that show. And I was on the lineup with Josh Gellman, two other comics who were great. A bunch of comics who were great. And I invited my manager because I knew it was good, and I had crushed at some shows, like white hot shows. It was that time where the only shows I did,

couple a week, they were usually all great. And they had me close, and man, did I look bad. And I had my manager come, and it was just one of those first, it was one of the biggest wake up calls I had. Dude, there's so many stories like that where comics do well for a little bit.

They're like, oh, I can do this. And they call their entire family. And I called my grandma who was on life support. So she could see me kill once. And then they invariably just eat a fat dick so bad that the grandma just takes off the plug and just like killed me. And so I've been there.

It's just the illusion. It's incredible in the beginning just how you can be deluded into thinking you're good. And I know people who don't do a lot of shows who still only do those great shows and are years in, have careers, and don't realize they're not strong. You never did the black room called Footprints

where half the crowd's chairs are facing the other side of the stage. You've never done the Apollo, right? I did the Apollo room yeah called footprints where half the crowd's chairs are facing the other side of the stage you've never done the apollo right i did apollo once yeah oh how'd it go it was like oh no it was not like an actual for me it was like one of those like open mic things oh yeah yeah i didn't get sandman didn't have a sandman that day but uh it was like one of those like day mics or something so i was like all right let's go so they didn't have all the crazy bloodthirsty people there yeah i saw yeah, yeah. I saw Whitney Chanel Clark. She hosted a show, and a comic went up, more like Brooklyn type, and didn't do great. And Whitney, the DJ, played a sound cue that went,

And then Whitney came on and was like, guys, I'm so sorry about that last comedian. And I was like, oh my God. I was so scared. But I think it's also good. I think we could use a little more of that in the scene. Bombing is good. Bombing is good. Bombing is good, man.

But I remember seeing you a long time ago and then you were like, yeah, I saw you on Paste. I want to do this as well. And I'm like, okay, this guy's new and he's just going to do it. Two days later, you have like 19 credits or something. You're in like 515 clubs. I'm like okay this guy's new and he's just gonna do it two days later you have like 19 credits or something you're in like 515 clubs

I'm like what is who is this man yeah I mean I headlined Caroline's in like the first six months of stand up comedy yeah

you figured out comedy very quick you figured out how to do jokes very quick and it just like in New York if you can do a joke

and you can write one you can do 15 minutes you can get to the top of the world in New York with just 15 minutes well a joke, and you can write one, and you can do 15 minutes, you can get to the top of the world in New York with just 15 minutes. Well, we had Maddie Smith on last time, and I think roast battles are where I learned how to write. Are you a fan of roast battles? I like roast battles.

You had a great, well, Osama, I don't know if we talked about it, but you said roast battles are an excuse for white people to be racist. Which I think is a fair critique. It's so true. It's a fair critique Yeah

We've decided We always like Well you know With the context of the rose Makes it okay Yeah I said the N word But in pun format

Alright It was a pun Nah Get out of here But it's like It's the same reason Why I think white people Make a lot of period pieces

You know like We can't cast any black people Because it was It was England It was ethics This is what it looks like Rollo Boykins had a tweet once

it was something about like whenever he sees a white actor say the n-word in a period piece it's like the acting is perfect like not a

just like they no one's ever taken a second take of a racist white guy being racist oh boy oh boy you want to get this

on your third take you want to you want to make sure it takes a little second. Like when Leo, you know, unchanged. I would make a big, I'd be like, oh, guys. I feel really tough. Because there's got to be a sketch of something like the white actor at the craft services after the scenes.

And the black actor's like, hey, good job out there. Really good job out there for some reason. And walks away. I think there was an snl sketch one year of of like casting 12 years a slave and it was like a lot of white actors who were uncomfortable like in the auditions and then one who came in who was clearly racist very very comfortable yeah which is really funny so good oh white people um Well, I should say, welcome to The Downside. This is a podcast where we-

I can't find my phone. You can't find your phone. I know. Oh, it's here. You making a call? No, I just was nervous. Was that a segment? Where was Russell's phone?

Russell loses his phone again. So this is a podcast we focus on the negative. If you're new, you know maybe some Usama fans coming along for the ride. We talk about all the sad things. We look at the things that make you smile, and we show you why you're wrong for smiling at them. You want to say something? I do.

We're three people away from hitting our first tier Patreon. Patreon. We had two new in the last week. Amazing. So join us at patreon.com slash downside. You can get that at patreon.com slash M-A-N-G-O-B-A-E. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

We'll do plugs at the end. But yes, patreon.com slash downside. Check it out. You get bonus episodes with me and Russell and then ad-free episodes. I was jumping in like a bonus content where Russell was his phone again I released the video of our last patient episode and right as I hit the music we both just go to our phones and just like catch up to podcast day and I go to my phone and usually I check my phone so much throughout the day if i do four hours without it there's like it feels like

oh i got an hour of yeah work right yeah and it's just writing people back lol ha ha ha lol uh tear tear i know i know it's brutal uh so uh usama i'm very happy that you thanks for having me dude thank you i'm a very positive person so this is like uh but i'm very happy that you thanks for having me dude. I'm very positive person. So this is like But I'm very aware. I think which is what makes you are positive you are I really think so I'm positive person. I'm very I'm very realistic and practical But I I allow that feeling to come in and then I recenter myself immediately So I don't not allow myself to feel the negativity But I make sure I channel it and on the converse any positivity. I make a channel back to That center as well shit on the podcastverse, any positivity, I make a channel back to the center as well.

I've mentioned on the podcast the one time I've seen you mad. I don't know if I said your name. Oh, shit. But it was, it was, no, don't worry. It was Bill Burr at LOL,

at the comedy club. Oh, I was mad. This was the first time I've ever seen you mad. Oh, my God. This was just to reiterate for those who didn't hear it. Oh, my God. Bill Burr came to a comedy club

that Osama and I work sometimes. And the floor manager didn't know who Bill Burr was, didn't let them do a guest spot. And I saw Usama that day. I wasn't there for when Bill Burr stopped by. And the rage that you felt that, there's many reasons. Like first, it would be great if the club that we worked at, Bill Burr stopped by. It would be great if we worked with Bill Burr. First of all, it's so funny that you just bring this drama up immediately.

It's like there's a podcast about getting molested, and here's your uncle coming down. It's like, wow. This was Usama's molestation moment. This is my uncle right here. Yeah, I was angry, dude. Interesting that you mentioned that. I really was.

Sorry, continue. I didn't mean to interrupt. No, it was just interesting because I'd never seen that flavor of you, and I remember seeing you watching a scene. You just looked fucking pissed. There were so many reasons. It was not a Bill Burr-based thing. It was a respect for comedy thing.

So it's like you are the manager of a comedy club, right? You don't know the top two comics in the world? It's wild. That's exactly not surprising, you know, sometimes. But that really boiled my, I mean, like, I get it. Nobody cares about comedy. But inside this place,

you should know about. But that's, it's so interesting how tied we get to our, like, I remember I used to tell people, like, I don't know, what does it mean to be offended? Yeah.

And I remember being in a car with someone, and they were like, actors are annoying. All actors are annoying. And I remember for the first, in my side, I was like,

hey, fuck you. Hey, fuck you, okay? You don't know how fucking brutal this is. And it's just interesting the way we get tied. Actors are annoying. God, they are annoying, though. You're all actors. We've got more TV credits coming up than the two of us together.

Oh, do you want to do repetitions again? There's this thing where comedians shit on actors. And there's a lot of actors who claim to be stand-up comics, myself included in the beginning. But there's also like, oh, and what is it that you're trying to do? Oh, you're trying to ruin a sitcom with your presence for a couple seasons? Go fuck yourself.

Dude, so many comics hate actors until that one actor moment where they get drunk and they're like, I could never do what you do. And then comics are like, well, I guess you couldn't, could you? And then we start liking actors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They know. They know where we're at.

Most actors respect stand-up comics immensely. Well, because theater is the more real version of acting. So it's the most, I think theater people and stand-ups really get together and have a good time. I've never seen. It's the most real version of both arts. I know Rachel Brosnahan, who plays Marvelous Miss Maisel. Do you know her?

We're not friends. We're not friends or anything, but we've met a couple times we have a lot of mutual friends the woman who's never bombed on her show you know what I'm saying like eight seasons zero bombs

but she said I saw her she went to a show my friend Remy Germinario you know Remy Germinario? what the fuck? no good friend of mine

Remy Germinario he's a stand up comic he's an actor it doesn't matter I know him oh Remy shut the fuck up Germinario

your acting is not that good I don't know oh remy shut the fuck up your acting is not that good i don't know i'm sorry but but i remember seeing her and she she's she's at least she's like oh i could never do stand-up comedy sure she's not like yeah i'm mazel anyone who they understand actors understand yeah good actors she is the best actor of a stand-up i've ever seen like she is so good what she does The show is just it's the problem with all stand-up comedy shows is they come on stage and they they have a moment They have a revelation and then they proceed to deliver a very tight five Amazing on that revelation like two days later the problem with most like Oh crashing

It's the worst thing that could happen to a comic is this show you look at the show they're showing on the hyperbole of a bad show, and I'm like, I wish most shows were like this. Their idea of what the worst show possible is, that's a nice, hot room. The problem is, if you complain about it, now you know what it's like to be a doctor or a lawyer watching Law & Order and Grey's Anatomy. They must be watching like, yeah, no, you don't just find that out and you're like, oh, it's this rare disease

and then you solve it. Jesus Christ. I could go on and say lupus all the time. House, that show is always just like, it's lupus and it's not lupus ever.

Anyway, that's a whole different thing. So I'm sure you're tired of talking about America's Got Talent. No. Or are you not? Do you just love talking about it?

Let's talk about it. Talk about a moment that made me mad. Sure. Oh, I did hear this story. When you see a fellow comedian on TV, there's a part of you

that doesn't want them to succeed. Sure. Sure. But, I, I get it. You, you had to do

America's Got Talent under the worst circumstances. Sure. I mean, it was like, it was a zoomed in audience. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That wasn't even a fake audience. That wasn't even there.

I'm joking. I would want you to succeed. No, of course. I would want you to succeed. But you made it past the first round. And Osama's made to win America's Got Talent. You got a story. Right.

You got a reel. You stole sandwiches. Right, yeah. Right. How often were you stealing sandwiches? I added a whole cancer storyline. You know what I'm saying you had a story

yeah and it was it was very sincere it was very funny to watch that story when you were telling that story did they tell you like

don't laugh as you're telling this story it was hilarious because they tried to create all these little points they want to make it the most tragic story of all time

a poverty story very intense story so they want they want your mom in there too right so they're like this like line producer. So they want, they want your mom in there too, right? So they're like this, this like line producer's like,

oh, we're gonna get your mom in there. She's gonna say, I'm proud of you and I love you. And I'm like, this is not gonna work. My mom is an immigrant from Bangladesh, right?

So like what we do is we, I FaceTime my mom and I say, hey mom, can you say like, I love you or I am proud of you after I say this. So we play it, I do it. And then the producer's like,

listen, um, can you do that again? But this time like we play it. I do it. And then Bruce is like, listen, can you do that again but this time like your mom believe it or something? And I'm like, you don't get it. You have a, in your mind,

it's all white people that have like these, I love you so much. This is like an immigrant bitch who is not about, it was like past her bedtime. Yeah. And they're trying

to create this story and my mom is like not dealing with it. She doesn't understand. She doesn't care about you. Does she not get like what they need her to do? Or is she just like fuck these people? She doesn't give a fuck.

She doesn't give a fuck. She doesn't give a fuck. And so this line is a poor guy. He doesn't realize my mom is just a bad bitch. And she's just like, yeah, okay. We'll use that. They didn't use that at all. None of the mom stuff was used because it was like, she didn't sell any of it.

Yeah. You know? So it was just like all these little stories they had to do and make me sadder and put me in like a, and I sold it. I'm trying to get on TV.

I know what happened. To be fair though, you were sleeping, you were staying at your mom's, you were stealing sandwiches. And I know a story before, like last year before, Fumi,

who didn't get on because he wasn't Japanese enough. Yes. Yeah, yeah. He told us, yeah. And there was a guy who just bowed lower on the show

and they were like, oh, get that guy who bows lower. And he was more Japanese, sort of like a change artist. And then he got a standing ovation. He got a standing O from all the guys. Didn't get a drop on the show. And I was scared.

I was like, I will become the browniest brown of the browns. I will come in singing Arabian Nights or whatever the fuck. Now coming in a purple vest and no shirt underneath. You rolled an R while saying your name even though there's no R in there. I brought a wedding doll guy. You know what I'm saying? I wore a turban. I wore two turbans.

Stack turbans. Fitted turban. Dude, I came in hard. I came in brown. I came in so brown. The interview for me lasted a long time because they were like blown away and i knew i had them in the in the mix and so you did that first round the first round was still with the zoom was that was that no no first round was a day before pandemic started it was like they threw me out it was amazing it was like

the day before how many people in that audience would you say it was the fullest it was like 800 people in a fucking auditor it was all full, purely full. Standing O killed it, made fun of Simon. I mean, that video got like four, three million views. What'd you say about Simon? Do a joke about open relationships and how my girl got the first person who wasn't us and you ever hear somebody's name and know immediately that he fucks better?

I was like, what's his name? She's like Alejandro. I'm like, fuck, you couldn't fuck augene or a simon and then using that of course using that on him people like ah i wish simon had done uh who was the one who got upset in the second round what's her name heidi klum heidi klum it was simon had been like um you know what women do assume that i'm not a good lover because of my name and i don't appreciate that It was He had a bike accident So he wasn't even there I know

On that week So then quarantine started I got past the second round And then Off some Zoom shit And then the third round The Zoom wasn't even real That was not real people

That was just a pre-recorded Clap So all that was there Was four people In an airport hangar Now that's Terrible It's very bad

That is Terrible It was very bad. That is terrible. So I knew there was not going to be a hot set. I knew it was going in. So I was like, how do I do this? Do I just do the nice stuff that Heidi can be like, hey, so do I bomb with like easy stuff or do I do the stuff that would make them mad? And now I didn't bomb. Sadly, I bombed with like a defiance

yeah you know so let me just say from an outside person so osama has this closing bit that is uh is a very strong bit where he he beatboxes yeah and you know how with comedy when you do anything that's not comedy people go wow it's a fantastic bit and if if Bo Burnham could do a whole special, let me get a little bit of Bo Burnham's energy. Yeah. And like for, especially for like an 800 pound auditorium, it would slaughter the house. It would be unbelievable. One hot girl couldn't stop that.

Now doing that bit though for four judges is an insane proposition. I didn't know the people behind you. I thought they were live zoomed in. No, nothing. So just them there and you doing this bit. And I'm going hard. Yeah.

Cause I'm on TV and millions of people watch me. So I'm like, I'm going as far as I can with this. So no one can say I didn't go for it, but I knew it was like, it was like Spartans going. So it ends, it's about like when,

when there's a good beat, you can get away with saying like some really fucked up stuff. Yeah. Essentially. And, and especially like saying misogynistic things. Yeah. And the line is he's beatboxing and he's saying he's saying uh if i called you a slut that would be bad right but if i did it with a beat and then he does the beat you'd be like well i do get loose on the weekend yeah i've seen it a lot and so it's a lot i do it many

times it's it's it's good and um he changed you changed it to tramp they made you change it to tramp uh they were like maybe change this something. It was the TV version. So I worked with the producer. She's like, Tramp is good. Again, I'm telling you right now, I had a producer on every level of this who okayed it. Sure. So it's like, this is going to, you know. And I had a producer high up who was like really pulling for me.

So that's the only reason I got on the show is because this guy at the very high up was like, I need you on the show. Okay. I love you. So this guy, all love to you, bro, whoever it is um i can't say the name because the people will just start like hitting him up but um he was the write it down later i will first and last man as long as you tell me the comic who bolted you know what i'm saying i give you give you know um and so it was all ready to go and then no audience so you knew it was going to be some tough stuff anyway here's the thing when you do comedy for four people at you get the hot girl in a crowd is usually always hating comedy she hates it she's not her it's not her room she's not the main

person of attention but she is one person of 90 people that undo her take on the room yes you'll notice even a hot show hawk girl's like uh what is this but nobody cares because we're having a good time she's the main one we have four people the same way that if you have like a comic in like a a modeling show the comics like yeah this it right it's not the skill that you possess right i get it they have hard being hot is hard i'd be like oh they must be so hungry up there exactly yeah so then when you have to do a show and one fourth the audience is the hot girl, 25% of the power now lies with this hot girl. There were two hot girls there.

There was two. But Sophie is a fun one, fun one. So what you notice, Howie, first of all, comic, enjoying it the entire time. A hot white girl is the worst. That's what it is. You add the white in there,

there goes the fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, Sophie has just got her green card two days ago. She's happy to be here. You know what I'm saying? So I'm happy to be here. I love it. And so she was like, ha ha.

And then she was seeing Heidi. And I get it. Listen, you're getting a million dollars to sit in a chair. You don't want to fuck that up. So Osama made Heidi the object of the thing. Like, Heidi, if I called you a tramp, that would be bad. But if I did it like this. Tramp.

Tramp, right? And so Heidi then makes it like, I did not appreciate you calling me a tramp. I'm like, I did not. It was a hypothetical situation. In fact, it's feminist because the worst thing I could call you was a tramp. Did you suspect this would happen at all or were you like shocked in the moment?

In the moment, I knew that she was not going to enjoy it. Did I know that I was going to become the Fox News headline? No. Did you... I mean, every news article picked it up. See, these shows make me anxious

because in that moment, if someone called me out like that, I think I'd feel furious. And I would have... I'd have to fight the impulse to be like, you know what? Fuck you!

And walk off. And then it's a disaster. Real, real disaster. Did you have any fuck you inside of yourself? No, no. It was very much like... Because it's a big production.

You're freaking out. Anger isn't there. Anger isn't there. All I know is I did exactly what I wanted to do. And that's, in this business, been in this for a little bit, only thing that helps you in here

is integrity in your shit. The moment you start selling out a little bit, you feel like a dirty bitch. And then in that moment, I just stayed true to, because it's club stuff. I know this works so this has worked for literally five years yeah for sure yeah so see what's even four people who

haven't seen a stand-up show in their lives you know and seeing a german be a person who like detects what comedy is you know what i'm saying here we go come on german model tell me what what comedy is that's what what it was like oh dear woke up the next day everything was there was not one story about anyone else it was all usama usama and i was's what it was like. Oh dear. Woke up the next day. Everything was, there was not one story about anyone else. It was all Usama, Usama. And I was like,

and it was right after Chris D'Elia got out of it being a pedophile. You know? So I, in a way it swept that story under the rug, allowing him to reemerge

as a touring star. He's doing great now, by the way. I hear he's like really hitting the circuit. He's going to be on America's Got Talent. They had on

the Sklar brothers recently. The Sklar brothers are a very successful stand-up comedy duo that headlines the world. And they were on America's Got Talent. And it was like,

what the fuck? Like as... As contestants. Contestants. Yeah. Oh, weird. And it's like, I mean,

they have, what, 10 specials? You know what's happening is that the viewership is going down. It's still the one show in the world that everyone watches.

You know, it's kind of like, there's no other conglomeration of people now on those late night shows. So it's the last show that America as a nation enjoys,

and it's going down. So it's like, they used to have like 60 million viewers per episode, and then it became 8 million. Now it's down to like 8, 7 million. It's one of those shows

that once you start losing the viewership, like I remember the first year of America's Got Talent and it was like everyone watched it. And you were like, but then when you don't have the community to talk shit about it with after, you're just like, I'm watching fine singers. I'm watching a talent show online.

Those old shows, look at the backstories. It's like, what's your backstory? They're like, I love doing it. And and that's it they don't have the cancer storyline and oh yeah i have to kill my own mom with a shank you know they asked me and i said i said my parents are divorced and they said anything else and i was like i was like 95 bro that would work i was like they're all sad like i'm sad i guess i have depression you're the sort of America so good like job yeah good job dude maybe the pubes storyline might have worked I have no pubes oh and he had no pubes biological anomaly and he still went forward on his

dream you know and then I would do a riff would be like hi Mandel my my my dick looks like your head whoa you! He's crying. You know, I love you, buddy. I love you. They had one guy, and this is like just porn now for these guys. It's like a dude who was in jail for 45 years wrongfully can sing. And you're like, and the line producer's just like,

and what else? You know? Just fucking coming. All these stories are so sad now. And then you find out what they're in jail for and they're like, oh. You don't want to know. We didn't ask that before.

Don't get into the reads. That's Simon Cowell reads that. they're in jail for and they're like oh you don't want to know we didn't ask that before simon cowell reads that you're in jail for three rapes huh yeah it's like whoa fuck so yeah these these stories have gotten intense very intense um well i'm glad to see it it seemed to work out in your favor ultimately yeah i added i added a lot i added it was a plot to jungle book basically i just added all those jungle book parts and they're like wow oh my god was there any in the moment was there any like i mean that next day when you saw how many news things and anxiety yeah what was that i was scared because we just got just got shot you know yeah um well you thought you were going to be part of you think that you know

yeah louis k bill cosby usama sadiiqui these are all men the big three the big three oh boy you I mean what is comedy but flagellation of yourself

constantly as a profession so of course you think you're bigger than you are and your life matters more so I was just like yeah also me now

really it was a one day controversy but everyone picked it up for one day so that's who had it I mean Fox News had it CNN had it Everyone had it a little bit

I always think about that When I think of like When I have that fear Of like I'm gonna get Cancelled or whatever Part of it's like You're not important enough No one cares

To get cancelled Now here's the thing Relax Once you get the first big thing There will be I think there are people In the bushes always ready Ready to fucking just

Blow dark Remember when he said this Right There are people Seth Simons is one of many. He's one man of many haters who hate that they're not good enough. And there's people submitting leads to Seth being like, hey, just so you know,

I listen to every podcast episode. And he said this one thing about Chris D'Elia. And he didn't say he was the worst person ever. He actually laughed at one of his jokes. And that means he's also a pedophile. And then the next year comes the pedophile thing. The next thing you know, this just incest Simon tweets.

So that, Canis Mobley got, we talked about Canis Mobley with WWE. They just want to see you fail. Yeah. And WWE is too big that people were like,

fuck WWE. And like WWE is like, we don't care. Yeah. We have a big fan base. You can say whatever you want. Guess what? Our fan base doesn't give a fuck about you.

Yeah. The only day we didn't have money coming in was during the January 6th Capitol riots when they were all too busy beating up cops. But like your America's Got Talent, I hope Kaniece, like sometimes there's a thing where I'm like, maybe this controversy, even though it sucks in this moment, like I hope, I bet Kaniece comes out like with something way better. She's a great comic. She'll be fine. Yeah. Kaniece, big fan of way better. She's a great comic. She'll be fine.

Thanks a lot, bud. Kaniece, big fan of you on the pod. Thank you for being a guest. Great, great, great person and great comic. So you, originally from Plano, Texas.

Is that correct? Yeah. I'm going to Houston soon, myself. How far away is that from Plano? Secret group? I'm doing Red Yards. Okay. And then I'm going to do

a secret group show. Very good. Have a good time. You'll have a great time. Plano, any downsides a great time. Plano. Anything, any downsides about growing up in Plano, Texas? Dude, it was just a very boring, disgusting place. You know?

Are your parents immigrated here? Yeah. I immigrated. I'm from Canada. I was born in Canada. Oh, you were born in Canada. Yeah. How old were you when you moved to America?

Five years. Wow. Yeah. So you remember a little. Oh, yeah. I know Canada. Yeah. And you went from Canada to Plano, Texas.

To Jersey for like K through five and six through most of my life in Dallas. And why? Job stuff for your parents? My dad's a telecom engineer. He fucking, they were just throwing him around. Now, I don't hear about your dad as much. I love my dad. I love my dad.

Because you don't talk about your dad on stage as much. I think in the beginning, I didn't know if he was alive or not. Yeah. You're right. People say, they think I'm an only child with my mom only. Yeah, yeah. I have in the beginning, I didn't know if he was alive or not. Yeah. You're right. People say, they think I'm an only child with my mom only. Yeah, yeah.

I have two brothers who I love. They're not as funny in just, and their character. You have no siblings jokes yet? I have one or two.

I have a couple. My brother married his cousin, so I have a joke about that. That should be a whole act. That is a whole act. But, so I have a joke about that.

But also, my brother's like, not a weirdo. And I don't think he'd appreciate all the jokes that I do about him bearing his cousin, but it's weird, you know?

Is it also your cousin? It is also my cousin. Yeah, Russell. He was saying, he was saying. We got a beautiful mind here. Wait,

y'all are brothers? He gets out the, which means, well, he was saying his cousin. He got the yarn on the wall. I was saying, I felt like you should say our cousin. I was just, I kept saying his cousin. I was wondering if it the wall. I was saying, I felt like you should say our cousin.

I was just, I kept saying his cousin. I was wondering if it was like a step. I would also distance myself. I would distance myself from my cousin as well. I like both of them and they're very cool people and they're not weird.

They're family. They don't wear like white gowns when they come to hang out. They're not mid-sommar or whatever. But I guess they just were like, they're both people who didn't want to marry anybody. They found each other. They're like, hey, we relate. And I'm like, yeah like, they were both people who didn't want to marry anybody. They found each other.

They're like, hey, we relate. And I'm like, yeah, you would relate, you know, genetically also. They are first cousins. First cousins.

But then again, it's chill as fuck. They are married. They're cool. I truly, I couldn't give a shit. No. But are they going to have,

do they have kids? No, they don't have a kid. But if they do have a kid, everyone's going to be like, well, here we go. You know what I'm saying? Fingers crossed. Let's roll the dice. yeah um i don't think they want kids but i think i see you know that makes sense i think yeah i don't know i just i don't even know i don't know like are

there certain diseases you have to worry about maybe if you don't have the disease it's fine like it's some kind of maybe a shame is the main disease that you have to deal with yeah okay i'm fucking my cousin but again they seem chill they seem really chill like I have a brother group in America

he's got girlfriends it used to happen a lot more than it does now but you know yeah I think it happened with siblings and yeah

yeah back in the days you used to marry your siblings I always wonder I'm so curious because obviously it's very culturally ingrained in me like you know don't hook up with your siblings don't hook up with your cousins and I'm so curious because obviously it's very culturally ingrained in me. Like, you know, don't hook up with your siblings.

Don't hook up with your cousins. And I'm wondering like. Wait, what side is that? Is that Italian or is that Jewish? The Jewish people, we were definitely. Why do you think we have all these allergies and shit? It's because we were fucking each other all over. But also the idea that you have to repeat the self so he doesn't do it.

You know, remember, again, today. Do not fuck your cousin again today don't you wonder with all our sexual preferences we're like you're like what what like we've talked about if we didn't have society saying this like would i've grown up and be like dude i have some hot cousins bro don't even don't yeah no any of the would you have you hooked up with any of your cousins? No, no. No, no, no. Okay. And y'all. I'm waiting for you to like wink at me or something. I was giving you a look like, I was like, ignore the camera for a second.

Yeah. It was one night, barbecue. No, no, it was, I never fucked my cousin, but I do, I've definitely been attracted sexually to some of my cousins. There's a lot of sitcoms where it was like the cousin, my cousin's so hot. Yeah. And like back in the nineties. Come on, dude on dude back before hemophilia whatever was invented or something uh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i know all the terms uh no i but there's one they're on bangladesh and so i'd go there you know every year to visit in the summer and i'd just be like man

these are oh you don't you're not even around them most of the time exactly so there's like a that component i guess my parents knew that if we kept them here he'd just one of his cousins he would just go railing down the the avenue uh but no no i never so you spent most of your youth in plano yeah and any downsides about plano texas yeah man just a boring suburban town the worst kind of type yeah i love it was it divert was that was there mostly indian popular really yeah yeah and why do you know why because Yeah, man, just a boring suburban town. The worst kind of type. Was it diverse? Was there an Indian population? Really? Yeah. And why?

Do you know why? Because Texas was very shitty school systems everywhere. There's one oasis in North Texas. So they brought in the Indians to fix this fucking school system? It was like a weird thing. Indians found this one area. Hey, this is a pretty good school. And they just descended.

Jasper High School had the record for the most AP classes in the world. Really? Yeah. So it was the place where indians went to go you know make their kids into like superhumans and so we had the hardest school system uh in the state now tell me because obviously that's that's the the common trope is indian parents indian students are smart indian parents are super hard on their kids sure was this true for your family for you yeah are you are. Were you good at school?

Yeah, yeah. I was a G. I was good. But school is just how can you memorize. How can you not get kicked out of class? You're gregarious. You're loud. I was a very shy kid.

You were a shy kid? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. If I was talking to y'all when I was in high school, high school, 12th grade, I would cover my mouth because I hated my face. Yeah. If I was crossing in the hallway,

I would move my head around a lot while saying hi to you so you wouldn't get a visual on who I was. When did you get over what your face looks like? This is after I started comedy. Comedy gave me everything. All the confidence. It's funny, how could you ever start? In the beginning, were you talking like this into the mic? Yeah. No, no, no. I wouldn't

say fucking. I would say fricking because I was so scared to cuss. I was doing only Bin Laden jokes because all I knewuss I was doing only bin Laden jokes because all I knew comedically how many bin Laden jokes did you have I had uh bin Laden was so bad it was that level of okie you know what was the punchline to that one he was how bad was he punchlines what punchlines did I have in years I had no punchlines my first joke Jim Marco right god I would be like I go hi my name is osama sadiki but you can call me usama been laughing haha i do a act out of a grenade pin throw it into the crowd

be like you're dead that was my joke this is my opener for three years pin the amount of like improv grenade pins I've pulled. Dude. And I would see the trajectory. I'd be like, I got good at it. If I had three years doing the same joke, I'd go, you're dead. It was so. Heidi Klum would have loved that one.

Dude, I remember one day Gallagher came up to me. He was like, hey, you're amazing. I'm moving like that. Maybe try a real grenade next time. You're a star, kid. I want to do a show. I've always wanted to do a show where people have to go up and do their first original act. I'm worried it would inspire too many open micers to think that someday they'd be good.

I'd be worried they'd be like, I've seen you do that joke two days ago. I'd be like, oh, fuck. I haven't changed one ounce since then. Every once in a while, I'll think of an original joke. I'm like, wait a second. No, that is good. And I'll do it on stage and it pops. I'm like, no, no, no. Right. I got rid of one ounce since then. Every once in a while, I'll think of an original joke. I'm like, wait a second. No, that is good. And I'll do it on stage and it pops. I'm like, no, no, no.

Right. I got rid of it for a reason. Yes. Maybe you're not good enough to do the joke sometimes. Like, I'm not ready. Like, I don't have enough gym badges to do this joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was overtly trash.

Dallas hated my comedy. I remember nobody in Dallas gives me accolades now. Only the new Dallas comics give me accolades because they don't know me when I was back then. There's local scenes where they love you and they're like, oh, he's our boy. I was not that boy, dude. And then there's other people

like, who's doing well in New York? Get the fuck out of here. I was in New York with just a little bit of juice, a little bit of hand motion, and a dream, you know? And I just got good here six years ago. Yeah. And we're both high energy comics,

and people, there's a certain contingency that would be like, they're just loud. Really, they're just loud? They're just loud. I see. Here's what I retort with that. It's like, go try being loud.

See how you do. You're gonna fucking bomb. Because it's not your natural energy. You have to be your natural version of yourself. We happen to be loud, intense motherfuckers, so it comes out like that. Yeah. You know? My original thing I tried to do was like I would do like a nerdy, like I would nerd it up.

I remember when you were a little less in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're also a very good absorber. You absorb everybody's and you're like, I shall. But then you get a better version of it. You're like, oh, I'm going to take this skill and perfect it

to its ultimate desire. So you are like this sort of Megazord of different comics that you've like, ah, this guy's doing this and I'm going to do it here.

I'm going to take that and you just become like this sort of force of nature. Yeah. In high school, my theater director said I was a sponge. You're a sponge, dude,

I just see jokes and I'm like, I like that joke. I'm going to start telling that joke on stage and I take that joke. Also, you You're a sponge, dude, truly. I just see jokes, and I'm like, I like that joke. I'm going to start telling that joke on stage. And I take the joke. Also, you're spineless. Get out of here.

But yeah, you're very good at that. It's a very powerful technique to have with comedy, because comedy is so much here. Once you get on stage, it's here. But being able to do it here well and taking in shit and learning, that's the real game with comedy. Yeah.

What's the worst thing in your first comedy set that would be really funny? It was hypersexual, of course. So my first big bit, the first time where I was like, where something happened in life where I was like, someone needs to share this on stage. And I guess it will be me.

And it was, I still think it was a fine bit. But first I talked like this. We have this I still think it was a fine, but first I talked like this. We have this, we have this bachelor party roast that got hired to do the first year that I have the voice memo of. And I think we're going to do a Patreon where we play it. But I kind of, I talked in an official way. Yeah.

And so it was this, it was, and this was a true story. So my ex-girlfriend texted me the other day, what kind of KY did we use? And I thought, hmm, that's a text with a lot of subtext. The subtext being, hey, Jamarco, just in case you were feeling lonely, depressed, and a little bit chubby in your midsection, I wanted you to know that I'm having sex. I'm having so much sex that my natural bodily lubricants are not nearly sufficient to facilitate the incredible amounts of sex that I'm having. Okay, listen.

That's bad. Is it as bad as... Not at all. No. You're dead. And that's it. That was a real... That's not a bad joke for a big...

That was a real joke. I think it's Scott. It's the deliver... It's that voice, the John Mulaney kind of delivery of it. That's a John Mulaney... I'm more John Mulaney than John Mulaney. John Mulaney inspired.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely John Mulaney inspired. That's a John Mulaney. I'm more John Mulaney now. John Mulaney inspired. Yeah. Yeah, definitely John Mulaney inspired. That's a guy who's watched enough good comedy to absorb, again, good stuff to start at a nice place. Dude, I was, I mean, I was watching just the shee parts of BET specials.

You know what I'm saying? Just that and nothing else. You know? So I was literally, I had no idea what was going on. I loved Louis C.K. a lot. I remember being, watching Chewed Up and Sham shameless and the why bit why why why why why incredible laughing so hard that i was literally almost dying not in a ha ha way i literally thought i was gonna die

like i was ready to die i was laughing so i was dying i was gonna die and when i didn't die i was like oh i was surprised it was that level of laughter and i was like how do you fucking do this yeah and well in the beginning there is a you you lose it i kind of miss the magic of it but i remember like when you're first trying to figure it out and you're like i don't understand when they said this sentence just these words in this order the audience went nuts right and when i said a sentence it was quiet and they started standing up to leave what is going on there's something very magic in the beginning we were like how did they inspire that and you you notice that too a little bit because like they'll be like comics starting out they don't be like you're amazing like look at you with those god eyes like oh my god yeah and what happens is as they learn

comedy they start agonizing themselves they're're like, oh, I'm amazing. They stop looking at you with those God eyes. Matthew Broussard had the best. He said, I just want to be as good as I thought I was my second year in. Yeah. Oh, God. And it's such a... He's like a little autistic Confucius.

You know, he just has these little fucking lines. And it's so perfect. It's very funny how people... Someone wrote me yesterday. They asked, like, can you do this show in Brooklyn? We'd love for you to close out. And I was like, yeah. And they were like, oh, what a get. We gotco and i was like i was like i performed in a tent for

three people i am the easiest get in the entire world i will be like be easier to people will be like dude i can't believe we got you and i'm like i bombed on the way here on the way here i did a bomb i got a quick shitty bomb and now i'm here i feel bad you know and then like give you all this praise and like i don't like it because then they put it on you too. Then you can't do new stuff at Mike's because sometimes

they're like put you like a little God status on you. You want to do some new stuff. You bomb the new stuff. I think you and I both, we don't want to have a full bomb. Right. Even if we're working on new stuff,

there's something in us that really resists. Like I don't want to totally shit that. I will throw a grenade into an audience to kill. Y'all this yeah all right i will i will set up c4 walk away you know i will do all types of bombs to make sure i and then i i shouldn't i you should be able to just bomb yeah and be like i'm powerful in my bomb i i take it on me like these these kids

they're gonna they look up to me blah blah blah all these bullshit ideas yeah they need me to kill so they can continue their dream yeah and it happens where sometimes I'll bomb just from doing all new stuff and then they'll look at me like well how could you bomb but you're yeah now what am I gonna it's like dude let me just do my new shit and in peace yeah and I get in my head sometimes I just don't do the new stuff and I just fucking stay in the old so um that's not the way to go. Let's never talk about comedy again. It's one of these things we do in podcasts.

I'm sure you know with your podcast where like all you really want to talk about is stand up. I know. But you're like, some people at home are like, what is going on? What's a bomb?

I have fans who are like in villages in Mumbai and they're like, what are y'all? What's a sect? You know? A check spot. What's a check?

What's a spot? What's a spot? They're like pushing Oxen. You know, that's in the mango band. And you're talking about like, oh, it's so frustrating. This new bit isn't coming together really.

Who the fuck is get with it? I mean, I don't understand. They're like, they gave you a drink ticket. Oh my God, you lucky son of a bitch. No,

it's fucking so bad. You got to drink, the water was clean. The water was clean. You didn't feel like you had to throw up immediately after consuming it. It's so bad.

And it's like, these are people that don't care about comedy. Like, what is a grizzly pear? I do like the idea of... I would do anything for a pear. Just a single pear. Yeah, grizzly, disgusting, diseased. But the idea of like, I looked at the character of like a super village kid who like pushes oxen around and he's like, my favorite comic, Emo Phillips.

You know what I'm saying? Hilarious. He's like a total super comedy nerd. Yeah. You know? And I don't think that's the guy. That's probably one guy. Do you know Emo Phillips. You know what I'm saying? Hilarious. He's like a total super comedy nerd. Yeah. You know? And I don't think that's the guy. Do you know Emo Phillips?

Yeah. I remember he was in I Didn't Know and then he was in that one episode of Crashing and I was like, is this a real person? I mean,

he's like one of the oldest comics. He had a big year or two of like people love this guy. Yeah. And I want to know what would cause that level of fame.

It's funny because he tweets in this same voice and he does it very well. Yeah. And he performs like once in a while and I want to know what what would cause that level of fame It's funny cuz he tweets funny voice voice and he does it very well Yeah, and he performs like once in a while and I think I think he probably won This guy's probably like does $10,000 gigs every couple. Yeah, and it's all his own old shit Yeah, just murders and just you know, maybe this doesn't like the lifestyle which who can blame anyone? Yeah Now tell me your when you got, you were in med school? Is that true? I got into med school.

You got into med school. And then before I left, like the week before I was supposed to leave, I just moved to New York. Was there any part of you that thought like being a, that wanted to be a doctor? Was it all against your,

I don't know how you did well in school against any of your own wishes. Was it tough leaving this behind at all? I don't know. Again, I was a very shy, very reserved kid,

which no one believes because I'm fucking loud. Here's the thing. If you look at old videos of me as a kid, I'm wild. Society destroyed me a little bit. Made me feel disgusting, terrible by myself.

And your parents encouraged this. Like, did they? Because like, even if your mom doesn't like into this shit, like she's definitely chill about it. She plays the game with you. Now, now.

I mean, once I got to America's Got Talent, it was all. Was she actually mad at you or like disappointed? Did you feel it? When I said I was going to do comedy? What did she say to you? What did they say?

I mean, what is the words for throwing pans? What is that? She threw pans at me. In a way that actually hurt her? Or like, was she aiming at the next to you? Her aim is bad. I'd be more scared if she was aiming next to me. You know what I'm saying? That'd be more dangerous. hurt or was she aiming at the next to you? Her aim is bad. I'd be more scared if she was aiming next to me. You know what I'm saying?

That would be more dangerous. No, she was aiming at me and she was trying to hurt my dad, single man dad tier. I just wanted to help people. Did you feel any shame? No, because I had already built this up so bigly. Bigly, what the fuck? Jesus Christ. And then when I said it, it was an expulsionesus christ uh and then it was like when i said it it

was an expulsion of all this energy that i was like i don't care what you're saying i can't believe i actually said this to y'all then my mom uh made a house party where she met all the family friends and they all just together was like hey stop doing this it was an intervention for my career wow and so we're hanging out we're eating food who did she have here all our family friends from the community like the bengali friends that we all they're bengali friends that they all just hung out with yeah outside of work and all that and their kids we hung out with them for our entire lives i know these people like they're all my uncles and aunts right and they sat you down they said bro it was like an intervention but for a career path and the same shit it was like it was

like please don't do this like you have such a beautiful future ahead of you. You know? Get into drinking. Get into drinking. Don't do comedy. And it was this whole thing. Like, please, just be gay. Anything besides this fucking thing. And were you saying, were you just like quiet like, no, I think I'm going to do this.

Were you like, were you feeling like a badass? No, no way. You become the most infantile version of yourself amongst the people you grew up with in terms of like father figures and mother figures. While you're in Texas, while this is happening, what was going on? Were you performing comedy at all there before? Yeah, two years.

Did any of them say, hey, we saw you and you suck? They don't know what comedy is. These are old people. I was definitely bad. I was so bad. But when I brought friends in, you can't bomb with your friends. So I would people. I was definitely bad. I was so bad. But when I brought friends in, you can't bomb with your friends. So I would kill with my friends. I thought it was good.

I came to New York with like zero jokes, like ostensibly. I had nothing. But my hand motions were evolved, you know? Two years of just knowing how to do this a little better. In New York, the first three weeks, I found my jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that was it. But it was like, nah, I found my jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that was it. But it was like,

nah, I was not good. Nobody had seen me. There was not an ounce of belief. My best friend, my best friend in the world was like, please don't do this. Yeah. Please don't do this.

And this guy has a terrible job now. He hates his life. And he was an auto whiz. And he was like, worked on cars, genius. His mom was like,

dude, that's cool. He's like, okay. Now he's in an ER Sadly, I mean he's not that's such a sad thing you're a high-octane job, and I hate myself God is he operating like he would on cars like he gets Heart surgery why you at his anus right now Give me the wrench wrench Now but you do you still tutor kids for math or you did i did uh stopped for comedy we got money for comedy but then a pandemic kit took up some kids

still had those same kids i'd love to see you tutor math do you do it with with a flare or are you very boring and dull i don't fucking bring bring the juice in you don't bring the juice why you know i'm not funny i'm funny with these kids yeah right uh do you have any math jokes you make a joke with them so bad uh i had no math jokes no like jingles i'll just ask you what they're like i'll do a quick set in the beginning how you doing what'd you do last week oh terrible movie but yeah yeah i was a little crowd seeing anyone you see yeah but they're fucking you fucking you too fucking bro these kids are so advanced now like yeah i have a sex doll that i barely smash like these kids are like like i gotta i gotta fleshlight at like yeah yeah at

14 you did yeah by yourself you can find it you know these kids are like yeah you know i am non binary and i you know i'm half horse like some of these kids are really advanced No one has said they're half. Yeah, I'm a minotaur. I identify as a minotaur These kids are very like sexually does not we talk about a little bit But they're like they haven't to figure it out a little more Yeah, we did do that if I had a teacher who did stand up I'd watch it and be like, oh my god Some people do find it out. I don't talk about it He called Heidi Klum. They had a tramp so many moms hit me up about that. They don't know what a tramp is

They'd be like, what's this 1910s term, right? Like that's what got me it's like and had he was like, you know would've been worse if you called me a floozy You know, it's like what were we wise tramp this insane word? I don't even think of tramp is like like fucking. Tramp is like she dresses with her shoulder exposed. That's a tramp. Look at that tramp. Hey, you're a woman about town, aren't you? It's just like these words are just old school.

You should have said whore. I should have been like that. That's the one that has me sick. I should have just went slut. That's what I do in the real world. You just went for it. I meant to say, so someone messaged me on Instagram, and they said that they had seen me at a show,

and they made a cupcake with a line that they said I had called them. And the line was like, you don't call a whore a whore on her birthday, princess. And I remember seeing it, and I was like, that does not sound like me. That is not you. Then again, Gino does have like a nose. It was Gino Biscotti, and it was just very interesting

because when I saw it in my head, I was like, maybe I said this. Did I say the word whore? But that's not in my vocabulary, even less so princess. I've never seen you say whore. I've never seen princess

and I was like, was I drunk? Were you doing a French accent with it? Maybe that. Because you'll get crazy on your French accent. They must have seen us and thought that I was Gino.

Someone's done that with me with Harrison Greenbaum. Someone came up to me and like, I love that joke about the bus. And it was Harrison Greenbaum. And I, of course, was like, thank you so much. I came up with that. These are fine things to be compared to. It's not like it's like a different race.

You know, you're white Jewish dudes. I had a really bad hosting incident where I mixed up two people of the same race. Of the same race. Of the same race. Whereas I was hosting, and I'm very bad with names. No one can say that I'm bad. Famously bad. Famously, incredibly bad.

And it was an Indian comedian. Okay. How bad is it? You switch two names, or do you call someone like Adolf Hitler or something? No, no, no. I just switch two names. Okay.

But what was so interesting is that in my brain, you know, it happens so fast. Right. It happens so quickly. And I didn't know what the lineup was in advance. It was one of those. So I see them in the back. They're waving at me.

And I've known them for years. Oh, no. And they're waving at me. And in my head, I had met the two of them together. They're friends. Yeah. And in my head, I was like, I don't know his name. And my brain must have said, just say his friend's name or something.

Did you say close personal friend before you brought him up? No. That's not how, how is someone gonna do that? They're like, my close personal friend, and they're like, they fucked the name up.

And I said the other name, and like, I knew it. As I said, it was one of those things, as I was saying it, I was like, what am I doing?

Ah, fuck. And humiliating. And I felt so bad. I felt so bad. I apologized. I'm sorry about that. And it's one of these things where, I'm so bad with names,

even other than that one very bad incident, I always like to tell people before i go on i'm like no i need to know who's first yeah you need to tell me because i there was one time at ucb one time at ucb i was hosting mod night or whatever yeah and there's two mod teams and you learn their names before and i'm supposed to bring up the teams yeah and of course i'm just thinking about my set, my minute long set. I'm like, what am I going to do? What two jokes am I going to do?

And as I'm doing the set, I'm like, oh, I forgot to check the team's name. And this is sold out at the UCB theater. And this is weird names. You can't just find the name. No,

they're like, you have to know. Of course. Lincoln's diaper or something. And so I said like, guys, you ready for modern night? They cheered. I was like, guys, I can't hear you. I'm ready for modern night. name no they're like you have to know of course lincoln's diaper or something yeah and i and so i said like guys you ready for mod night they cheered i was like god guys i can't hear you i'm ready for mod night and it was i i kind of got away with it number one oh that was a rough night for you i was there because it was my team uh it wasn't your team no it was the other team

it was the other team um your team name was you were you were not doing you were you were spiraling a bit remember you found out you weren't invited to it like it was like oh i had found out i wasn't invited to like a dear friend's birthday party apparently the husband the husband was in charge of the invites wow yeah i feel i'm sorry about that uh but it was funny because i accidentally like i saw him backstage and i was like, hey, how are you? And then I asked him about the party. I was like, you going tomorrow? And he was like, I just saw his face.

No, no. It had happened. It was like, oh, it had happened. It's a close enough friend that if it was tomorrow, I would have been like, hey, we cool. Yeah. Close. Whoa. And this was like, oh, last night at the party.

Wow. I feel that. I'm sorry about that. Yeah. And I had assumed that he had a gig and he couldn't come. So I just casually mentioned it. He had no idea. What were you doing that day?

You're sitting in your house doing nothing that day. Yeah. I mean, God, it was a phase of my life. Like I wouldn't have gone anyway because I was like, I got a check spotted. Yeah. And, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all check spots, by the way. I've been there where, like,

in that moment, you just comes out. The shit just comes out, and you're like, fuck, it's out. Like, yesterday, I was doing a road gig, and I called the booker. I've never met this guy in my life, saying we're on the way to Jersey, and we're just talking very natural,

very professional at the end. I just say, I can't wait to meet you. And I'm like, what the fuck was that? Can't wait to meet you? What the fuck? You don't say that to a person I can't wait to meet you. And I'm like, what the fuck was that? Can't wait to meet you? What the fuck? You don't say that to a person you never, can't wait to meet. And there's that same pitch phrase, can't wait to meet you. And then my driver was like, what the fuck was that?

That, I hate that. Because you don't know what to say. And so he just comes out like, bye, honey. Like, oh, fuck. What the fuck was that? I understand it. It's like, we are people who just kind of like, we're not going to ever be like,

hey, let's stop the moment and figure it out. It's just barrel into it at 90 miles an hour. Let's see what happens. We meet so many people in comedy right now. Like, I've been doing stand-up for five years now. And like, I know too many people. I've forgotten too many people. And people say, hi.

And I'm like, yesterday I hugged three people. Passionate hugs. And I'm like, I don't know who many people. I've forgotten too many people. And people say, hi. And I'm like, yesterday I hugged three people. Passionate hugs. And I'm like, I don't know who this is. What is a Gianmarco passionate hug? Yeah. Side hug. Hand on the back of the head. A Heisman.

That's intimate. And I really love, it's like head on the back. Jesus Christ. Hand on the back of the head. Finger and butt. One finger. Finger in the butt. One quick.

You did a little wiggle there. Oh yeah, for sure, I do that all the time. I do all my act outs, dude. I'm a Tom Cruise of comedy, all my own stuff. Oh, I need to mention,

I want to mention, I talked to you, Tova and I, it was very funny, Usama and I saw each other after a show and I think we both were with our respective women,

woman for me, still currently, and for you probably at the time. Yeah. There was just a stand-up conflict. So I just want to say very quickly, I think I misrepresented Tova's birthday where I fucked up.

I fucked up. I didn't realize. I fucked something for a birthday. And listen, Tova's a wonderful woman and I fuck up sometimes and she is extremely generous with her time and Russell is on her side

for all of these debates she's a very attentive person and I just wanted she's very generous in what I'm allowed to talk about on this podcast and she's a wonderful woman and occasionally I fucked up and that birthday, boy occasionally I fucked up.

And that birthday, boy, did I fuck up. Yeah. What was it? Hang on my face. This was just, we saw each other after a show in Jersey. Yeah. And like, I was just on the phone with her. And then I saw you. That was crazy.

Yeah. And you, we were both just talking, we were talking about the struggle. I was talking about like, it's really tough. You know, I constantly be like, I'm going to be home at 10. And then, and that show particularly particularly I was supposed to go up earlier I showed up like just a minute late so you went on

and then I went on and I got back very late I'm sorry no no no it was no one's fault I mean the booker's fault but you were also on the phone with someone

and it was just a very like two guys who had fucked up for a show that wasn't that important coming home from Jersey. And it was like this moment of just like,

man, this is going to be the same story at 55. You know? Yeah. I missed my 30th wedding anniversary because of an LOL check spot.

You know? Well, I saw Lucas Connelly and Lucas Connelly has been with his girlfriend for a long time. And I just said like, you know,

it's really tough. And he's like, listen, birthdays, Christmas. Yeah. That's the two. Valentine's Day. Don't forget, Valentine's Day is a huge show yeah that's the two valentine's day

don't don't let it don't forget valentine's day is a huge valentine's day huge and i was like i was like well first tovis christmas is not the problem here we got do you know how many fucking jewish holidays there are i can't keep up with that i can't block out every jewish holiday i wouldn't be working anymore you didn't get me anything for the shabbos. Yeah, Marco. That's a crazy thing. Jeez, guys. So, is that, are you still with that person from that incident? Okay. Okay, good for you. Made it through. You know, I'm good at the post.

I'm good at fixing. I mess up a lot. I'm good at fixing. What do you say when they say, I feel like I'm secondary to stand-up comedy? I say yes. I say yes. Yeah. In fact, secondary. You're tertiary. Maybe even quaternary. Stand- secondary to stand-up comedy. I say yes. I say yes. In fact, secondary.

You're tertiary. Maybe even quaternary. Stand-up, stand-up. Maybe even penitentiary. The hang. Yeah. The hang. Go to someone's birthday party who hates me.

You know what I'm saying? And then you do. When I'm with you, I will give you my entire body. I'm on my phone. I'm not anywhere. I'm there, which is more you my entire body I'm on my phone I'm not anywhere I'm there which is more than most dudes I think

comedy is a thing I just cannot lie about I will always choose it over you but it's a not human thing if you're a human you're up there

you're the person in my head just so you know whenever I like turn down a gig like cause I'm like no Tove and I we're gonna see a movie

today where I'm like Usama would've done this gig I would've done the gig every time I would've done the gig turn down a gig like because i'm like no tova and i yeah we're gonna see a movie today where i'm like usama would have done i would have done the gig every time i would have done the gig i would have played a movie for my girl on skype or something or maybe got like google play while we were at the i mean i would figure it out like in my mind you you're the you're like you're that person like he would have done dude i i've done shows to the second round of America's Got Talent. Dude, there are people who have taken my ideology and gone with it, and they get depressed. Because it's like, dude, you cannot do this. My mind is a blinder mind. I can fucking just go.

And people are like, yeah, I do four mics a day. Three days later, they're like- They don't understand that you're mentally ill. I'm clinically ill. There's clearly something. With anyone. With anyone. I'm clinically there's something there's clearly something with anyone with anyone I always

I keep thinking like fucking who was it yesterday Chrissy Teigen was online complaining that she missed social media and I'm like anyone who's successful

anyone who has this kind of like insane wealth they're they're crazy people they're crazy people no one gets to this level and isn't a little bit nuts Nick Cannon's a little bit crazy.

Crazy, yeah. John Mulaney. And whenever these people have these big public meltdowns, you should really be like, oh, yeah. Oh, Ellen DeGeneres is an asshole? Yeah.

Yeah. Of course she is. You think Warren Buffett is just this nice guy with financial advice? He goes into his room and then starts fucking wildebeests. You know?

He doesn't give a fuck, dude. These are crazy people. Clint Eastwood has like, it came out that he was dude. These are crazy people. Clint Eastwood has like, it came out that he was like this weird sex weirdo. I didn't hear that. He went to France. He fucked the chair

that he said he was speaking with. This is my girlfriend. Called it a Democrat. He goes to France and has these insanely weird sex things. He's a weirdo. What do you mean? I don't know.

I just heard this from an industry insider or whatever. In LA, Clint Eastwood's the weirdest fucking sexual deviant. I'm like, yeah, this all makes sense. And it's not even like fun sex. It's probably like there's no comment. It's just like humiliation or they punch him in the balls. And they say, you're feeling lucky, pal. Punch.

Yeah. They call that a dirty Harry, by the way. H-A-R-Y. Well, let's get to our segment, one of my favorites. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. Now, you didn't read the email, I'm going to guess. I did.

You did. I respect it. You're a super academic kid. Yeah. I would never come to a place and not know the deal. You're a very surprising guy. I looked at Brussels. I was like,

who's this guy? You said my name. In my mind, I just see you do Molly in the morning to wake up. Just Molly and coffee in the morning. When was the first time

you did Molly? Best part of waking up. Tova wants me to do shrooms really bad. Would you say I should? Yeah. I shouldn't be scared about having an extension.

Do it. Only her. Do not bring in fucking anybody else. I don't think, I mean, your crisis. Do it with only her. Do not bring in fucking anybody else. I don't think, I mean, your brain is a very high functioning and moves fast. It's the same as me. It's just like, take away the, don't go in the city. Don't be walking out like it's 30 rocks.

When was the last time you cried, Usama? I cried during movies all the time. Really? Yeah. I feel all. People think I'm just like this positive, just only, I feel the gamut of emotions. I just stay in the center because it's the easiest place to be. I don't let happiness stay too long.

I don't let sadness stay too long. It's all, all emotions are just little trips. What was the last movie you cried at that you remember? The improv one with Mike Birbiglia. Really? Don't think twice. No, because I was like, oh my God, they're all friends, but some of them are not going to make their dreams come true.

I cried at the beginning because I was like, I didn't get cast in this. From the opening credits, i was like oh my god they're all friends but not some of them are not going to make their dreams come true i cried at the beginning because i was like i didn't get cast in this from the opening credits i was like my name's not there i cried yesterday watching the sopranos it was that episode where where he just kills paulie no no no it was even sadder uh it's uh he this episode where with johnny what's his name johnny johns. He loves his fat wife so much. Huge. You know when she hauls ass they're gonna make two trips. And they're all making fun of her and he

is like, I just didn't have a problem with her being fat. I love that woman. And I was like, oh my god, he loves his wife so much. There's gonna be a mob war because Johnny Zachs' wife is fat and he just loves her it was really lovely oh that's so funny that's so funny that's amazing i cry at stuff like that too like very stupid like a husband loving his wife dude nicely and like she is she's so fat

and they were just making a quick joke i think you should leave sketch last night i watched which one all the boys It felt like a you sketch They're playing poker in the beginning and they're shitting on their wives and this guy's like yeah My wife sucks and then he remembers like his wife Supporting him That's so funny Is he's amazing that all shows amazing It's a very Russell like works in that way

We're like you're like how did where did your mind where he does community theater and like someone keeps taking his lines on the community theater. He says it faster than him. And he's like, he always says it faster than me. And his wife's like, I'm proud of you. And then he goes back to the poker table and he's like, I take that back. I love my wife. And they're like, yeah, we're just joking. He's like, no, I have to leave. Oh, I have. It's, it's an incredible. That's beautiful, I take that back. I love my wife. And they're like, yeah, we're just joking.

He's like, no, I have to leave. It's an incredible. That's beautiful, dude. I'll cry at anything. I'll cry animated. If a dad hugs a daughter, over. I'm done. I'm definitely a parent kid.

I joke about watching those soldier homecoming videos. And I say, I want to send my dad to Afghanistan. But especially as an actor, whenever I was like, you know, I always wanted to cry. That was like a sign of an actor for me. And I would watch those videos and I just sob. Seeing these kids, the shock and then the cry.

It's the real. The real. And I think, you know what? Maybe war isn't that bad. Yeah. If it gets that hug, because then you realize that you keep the video going

and it's like, yeah, you can't fuck his wife because of the PTSD. She's like sad. and then all those things come in but just that first hug they should I would not cry

at the video of the man at the bed like couldn't get it off and he's crying and the wife's like you can't fuck me anymore it's over they should have the video

where he hugs and just goes back to Afghanistan like that was amazing the hug was great alright I'll see you later because that's the best part of the whole thing

anyway I'll see you later that is why they play best part of the whole thing. Got to get done. Anyway, I'll see you later. That is why they play that, like, someone's getting prosecuted for war crimes, and they play that video, and then it cuts to the jury, like, let him out. Yeah.

He hugged his son. He killed 20 civilians. So Hamad also had kids. Does he have a video, you know, where he hugs his kids? Yeah. Because they blew up the fucking phone. So this has got to stop

other than war crimes, which I think it's an official position. You have something worse? Worse than a war crime? What's something that's got to stop, Usama? What's your this has got to stop?

What's worse than Afghanistan? No, no, it can't be anything that's going on in your life, personal life. I think this is worse than, really, I think this is worse. I think we've got to stop comic friends

doing IG stories of comics on stage saying crushing when it probably wasn't. Okay. That's funny because I feel like I see a lot of people posting pictures of you saying crushing. I'm always crushing. You know this. But every other comic. Okay. So just in case, non-comics, but we do a thing,

it's kind of a, killing it, and we post a picture of them on stage. Sometimes, you know, and it's framed, it's framed in a way that you don't see

all the empty chairs and you like go right behind the two audience members. It's propaganda a lot of times. It's propaganda. If they're crushing, I believe in the word crushing

and the word murdering and those having differences. In the word slaying. Dude, there's a difference. It's a meter. Killing. Can you imagine? Doing fine.

Yes. Doing fine. Hey, last year didn't work. No one walked. Yeah. Meh. Started soft, but in the middle got a couple good laughs. Or just going, oof.

You know what I'm saying? We knew it was new. It's new material. Why not? Why not? Brave of them to try was new. It's new material. Why not? Why not? Brave of them to try this new bit. Yeah. Yeah.

Killing the energy in the room. Not going well. And the thing that we all know, especially if like the person we're saying crushing, they happen to book shows too, you're like, you can dismiss this out of hand. Right. They just want to get on that person's show. On the show. Yeah.

Absolutely. The more G's you add to killing on the caption the faker the killing yeah killing every show is fire i think i i said there should be like a i want to be a police investigation where people who post funniest comedians in new york and i go to that show and and i say are these the funniest comedians in new york who would who would possibly say these are the funniest killing i mean New York killing I mean Jesus Christ the level that happens and I think

only post that if it's happening it does make me angry when I was at that show I saw the set afterwards blank blank blank smashing

9 G's I'm like dude this is not a smash he had one laugh when he like hit his toe on the mic stand and it was slapstick.

And it was not a good set. And I just believe in the power of a good kill and the respect of a good kill. And people who can kill, I have utmost respect for. I think it's the most powerful thing in this business. It's the most thing that's not dictated by industry. It's just the kill. Five minutes in, there's no industry.

You're six minutes, you were either a good comic or you're a bad comic. It doesn't matter if you're Jerry Seinfeld, if you're Chelsea Handler, if you're fucking Osama from first year. Six minutes in,

everyone's real. So I think it's the most, to dilute that, I think it's travesty. Russell, is your thing at 11.45? Yeah, I gotta move it along.

I just realized too that it's like 11.40. Osama, do you have a quick blessing you want to share? We'll skip our blessings for today. Quick blessing? A blessing to be outside,

do comedy, and hug a friend in an indoor space. And my blessing is that Russell was willing to fit this in before his very important work call.

Russell, do you have a blessing? Oh my God. My blessing, I'm getting that dog. I'm excited to get the dog. What's the name of the dog? Saturday. Ziggy. Ziggy. Hell yeah, Ziggy. All right, I can't wait for it. Zag it up. Ziggy. I'm getting that dog. I'm excited to get the dog. What's the name of the dog?

Ziggy. Ziggy. Hell yeah, Ziggy. All right. I can't wait for it. Zag it up. Ziggy and his cat, Louie. Named after Louie C.K.

Just had to put it in there. After the accusations came out. No, no, no. That's how I'm aware. We're during. This is the middle. Halfway through the New York Times article. He's like, honey, we're changing the name. Changing the name, honey.

Love it. Anything you want to plug real quick? Mango Bay, follow the podcast, M-A-N-G-O-B-A-E. Get on Patreon, patreon.com

slash M-A-N-G-O-B-A-E. It's an amazing podcast, super funny. Get into it. Very good. Well, Salma, I appreciate it. I respect you very much.

Likewise, buddy. From the beginning. Remember, work meetings are more important than podcasts. Not even close.