The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #34 Panda Porn with Ashley Gavin

Episode Date: August 24, 2021

Ashley Gavin shares the downsides of being the first openly gay cruise ship comedian, getting your butthole waxed, producing your own comedy tour, inspiring her fans to leave their husbands and come out of the closet, following drag queens at an Oklahoma City pride show, being an Ellen Degeneres fan, leaving a computer science job at MIT for stand-up comedy, getting banned from TikTok for talking about panda porn, teaching women to code, and having a TED Talk go viral but the audience wasn’t mic’d so you can’t tell how hard they were actually laughing. BEEN THERE!!! You can watch the full video of this episode HERE Join The Downside Patreon for early ad-free episodes the Friday before they're released on Tuesday, TWO bonus episodes a month (AUDIO & VIDEO), + the good feeling inside that you're helping keep my delusions alive. Follow ASHLEY GAVIN on instagram, tiktok, youtube, & twitter Listen to ASHLEY GAVIN's podcast WE'RE HAVING GAY SEX Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Fawn Sullivan, Paige Asachika, & Gianmarco Soresi Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Special thanks Tovah Silbermann Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lost dad at 11. First thing on this. It's on my Wikipedia page. It's on your Wikipedia? Oh, you have a Wikipedia? I just got one. You started it? No. Someone started it for you? Someone started it for me.

Oh, Wikipedia. We'll talk about it. I got a message from someone and they were like, we can start a Wikipedia page for you for like money. And I was like, I want it to be authentic. Yeah. I want it to be authentic. Is it like a hefty one or is it one of those little?

It's got sections. Ooh. But it's not very hefty. Does it have a personal life? Yes, I have a personal life. I went through a phase in college where I wanted to know what was very existential. And I looked up like every person I admire and I'd go to the personal to see what their religious beliefs were. Damn.

Wow. And you'd go to the article. That was a rough time, I'm assuming. Brad Pitt said he's an atheist. And then you go to the article. admire and i go the personal see what their religious beliefs were damn wow you were and you'd go to the article brad pitt said he's an atheist and then you go to the article and he like he's like yeah i'm an atheist and then i would cry you'd read the articles oh you wanted them to be religious i wanted them to believe in something very loosely i would dismiss them if they were any kind of organized religion but they're an atheist why did it matter to you why were you checking that's not an essential crisis you're like creating a blacklist of people yeah yeah yeah not like not just celebrities it was like people i like admire like i'd be like oh to steve carell who i admire he was does he believe but i'm saying

not just it wasn't like it wasn't like uh you wanted to make sure they were like you they you wanted to check that they had the same level of spirituality as you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, this is the downside and Russell, I'm going to say this. I warned you over the phone. Simone Biles is a hero. I don't want to hear any shit about her on this podcast. You take that shit to Legion of Skanks, keep it off the downside. I did not say anything.

I'm literally about to attack you guys. If you come for Simone Biles, I'm going to have to fuck you up. He likes to for Simone Biles, I will absolutely fuck you up. He likes to do this bit where I get canceled. He tries to cancel me. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that.

That is that. We have not even communicated about Simon. Welcome to The Downside. My name is Joe Marco Cerezi. I'm here with Russell Daniels, my co-host. Hello, Russell. Hi. You better take a sip, right?

It's like he introduced you. And we are here today with stand-up comedian, podcaster, writer, everything, Ashley Gavin. Welcome to The Downside. Thank you for having me. Yay, Simone Biles. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi.

You had a skeptical look on your face. I'm wondering if I should drill cameras into my walls. Oh, yeah. You should. You're going to use this whole podcast to make decisions about your own podcast. Your podcast is doing great. I took lessons from you.

I do like to learn. Not the other way around. I do like to learn. Yeah, these cameras. Yeah, my wall's fucked up, though. This one's about to fall out. I just noticed just now. I was thinking if I could do it

with a command strip situation. Yeah, I hired someone. I don't even know what a strip or a command is. I'm a lesbian. I'm going to do it myself. Good for you. That would be good. Ashley, we're going to get to you in a second.

But this has been, I will admit, off-brand, in a decent mood today. Yeah, you're filming your Comedy central special yeah it's a set a lot of people have been bringing me up specials are getting smaller and smaller you call it a special honey yes call it i can't do it people are bringing me on stage 15 minute specials on netflix special yeah harry condobolo who i don't really know that well i booked him on a show once he messaged me he's like congrats on your comedy central half hour and i i didn't have to follow no i wrote back i said i said oh it's just a regular set but i am thrilled and then he didn't write back and i wonder if he was like oh never mind until it's a half hour i'm not messaging

good luck to anybody people were very sweet people have been very nice to me this week some i'm skeptical of some felt sincere they're all you should be skeptical of every single one including mine Gabe Pacheco says like very sweet like Gabe like gave like a long like and you know I try

I looked him in the eye and I try to take it in I try to feel and then I go nope no soul in me just just ambition

pure drive but the best I felt and tonight hopefully will feel good but the best I felt, and tonight hopefully will feel good, but the best I felt, I was so anxious the day before yesterday, I got a COVID test before.

They tested you at the knitting factory, and I was so scared. I don't have any symptoms, but I went to LA when cases were rising, and I was like, so I go in, and it's the rapid test. So you're like, okay, it's also like it's not the most accurate test. I don't think they know about Delta on the rapid. Let's hope. Because I was hoping, for a second, I was hoping they were going to do self-administered. And I was, you know, I was going to work the rim of the nose.

Maybe the ear. Sure, always work the rim. Listener, work the rim. Great advice. But here's my thinking. I got the test and you have to wait 15 minutes outside and they had food there they had food and they said you could take food and i fucking took all the breakfast food i could because in my mind i was like if

if i if my dreams get crushed at least and i have covet at least i got a free breakfast out of this whole ordeal and they'd never rebook you i this whole ordeal. And they'd never rebook you. I just want the listener to know they would never rebook you. You really think that? Not even out of spite or anger. It would have nothing to do with you. The kid that booked you this year would leave for a production company. Comedy Central would go under.

Who knows? Comedy Central's going under. Definitely going under. Sorry, John Mark. We're only doing animated stand-up sets for now. Only animated reboots of TV shows from 20 years ago yeah you'd never absolutely that's how this industry works uh i'm so glad we're having this conversation now because like i was i was asking tova i was like i was like if i've covered like they'll rebook me eventually and

she's like yeah yeah no no no. I have had multiple gigs canceled. Multiple TV things that I've lost, and I've never been rebooked. What was the one that hurt the most? Kimmel. Oh, my God. When was this? This one's kind of 50-50, but it was a few years ago. I was on the short list, and then they just canceled stand-up on Kimmel for a year or two.

You might remember this period of time. I remember this. Did they cancel it because they didn't like how it was going? Yeah, they just were like, you know what, fuck it. We're going to stop for two years and then everyone who was about to do it,

fuck them. So that was rough. It's weird. Maybe bleep Kimmel, but I don't. No, please. It takes too much time. Martin, there's something. No, please, that would be good.

Instead of like, like well this could hurt my career a little but bleeping it on the video and the audio fuck me um i remember martin urbano had one i mean one of the one i think one of the great stand-up sets one of the great late night sets was on was on kimmel uh it's you know uh i shouldn't say i saw jay leno i was in la and i ended up being like in a green room with Jay Leno his Kimmel set was amazing his Kimmel set was incredible

but just funny because like I don't think these late night shows they don't have to do stand up period they don't have to do it there's no demand

and it's really bad like Martin was great but the sets are not good compared to when you go see live comedy like in my opinion late night sets are like

no fun I think James Corden has some of the best sets out there. It just depends on whoever's booking, whoever's editing, whoever's choosing. Yeah. There's a lot,

I mean, I always have the mindset, if you told me, if I wasn't in the business, I didn't care who I pissed off, I could choose people who would give great late night sets. But it has to be so clean and,

Pete Lee is the only one that I've ever watched and I'm like, I like him as much. And I'm not shitting on other stand-ups. I love the other stand-ups. I think they're amazing. But Pete Lee is the only one where I'm like, watching here, watching live, watching a special.

I'm like, all of these are like equal caliber. Yeah. I think it's tough. And also the audiences can be bad. Conan O'Brien, there's some stand-up sets on Conan O'Brien whererien where the audience fucking sucked yeah you're like what this is supposed to be the show um so i gotta regret this so you saw jay leno oh yeah i saw jay leno i i don't want to i don't want to speak out of turn but it was very it's very cool to talk with with jay he was very it's very interesting he talked he talks in a way a way where clearly he thinks about money, but in a way that a mid-level stand-up comedian thinks about money.

And I'm like, you have $600 million. Scarcity mindset, hard to get rid of. Yeah, it was very funny. He was just talking about going on tour. I asked him, I was like, why haven't you done a Netflix or an album? And he was like, because I can make more money touring. You know, I go, I know I haven't been in Pittsburgh in four years.

I go there. They think all my material's new. They just fucking forgot. He's right. Touring is way more lucrative. Was that a good Jay Leno? That was a really good Jay Leno. Thank you.

I'm so sorry. John Marko, that was an incredible Jay Leno. I feel like it's what it is. That was okay. That's a new voice. It was okay. That's a new voice for me. That is not a voice I've heard come out of you.

Yes. But he was very kind, very gracious. So then I got this test. I was sitting outside and I was just sitting outside. I was kind of waiting to see if any comics got the no, got that you have COVID. So I was just like, ooh, maybe I will get bumped up to a half hour. Then there's a bunch of comics. If enough comics get knocked out.

Open micers are hanging out waiting to see if someone has to bail from the, and they're like, I'm here. I don't have COVID. I'm here. Can you put me in? Yeah. Someone should have waited. That would have been good.

But I don't think anyone got it, which that's why it just makes me skeptical. Because I hear about them doing this for all these film sets. And you know that they don't want anyone to have COVID. Because if someone has COVID, they might have to shut down the whole fucking thing. Yeah. And so I just imagine if we found out that they got the cheapest test for all these Hollywood

productions, because they should all be shut down. I mean, you keep hearing about these cases going up and I'm like, but I don't hear about Hollywood productions getting shut down very frequently. Something, something's mixed,

but a comedy central, you did your due diligence via calm. I love you. I'm going to be a big, I love you. So everyone that I just shat on which I think is

literally every network I literally shit on every network you said I liked you said you liked one stand up comedian as late night set

the rest of them throwing hundreds of people under the bus there's just look it's a weird it's a weird setting it's not the comedians

it's the environment and I don't they're never gonna book me so I'm just that's not true no they It's not the comedians. It's the environment. And they're never going to book me. So I'm just. That's not true. No, they're not. Not until I'm mega. I have totally resolved this in my mind.

That I have to do it totally myself for the next two or three years. And then they're all going to be like. Because it's starting to happen. But it's really got to be all the way. You just did a self-produced, self-driven tour of the country you're someone i mean i've been telling people that like the mentality i try to take on now is that i will never have any industry success and obviously now i'm having tons but my mindset is i'm not gonna have any yeah and just proceed like that yeah and that started with the outdoor special but i i

say i frequently cite you and you know normand and people who are kind of doing their own thing of course um but but uh but but this is the downside so we shouldn't get too positive tell me about fucking sucks i hate that i have to do it all myself are you fucking kidding me yeah it's a lot of work a lot of work and i'm better than everybody and what's what the fuck they're negative enough for you yeah but you get to be a little you get to be a little free you get to kind of do whatever it is you want to do that's true um so so let's let's talk about the tour you just got back did you call it something this tour so i've been calling it it has two names i call it the backyard tour for short when I'm talking to people because it says what it is.

But I've also been calling it on the tickets and to my gross fans. Ashley Gavin, live in your bush. That's great. Live in your bush. Do you have merch for that? We made pins, but I never got them manufactured. I paid a kid, Ali. Shout out, Ali.

Never got them manufactured. Like, I paid a kid, Allie, shout out Allie. I paid a kid $100 to make a really cool pin of like a bush, like an arm sticking out with a microphone. Use it again and make, you'll make a lot of money. I know, I know. He's a merch king, this guy. I saw Tom Segura's doing a tour called, like, I'm Coming Everywhere. That's great.

Yeah, and I i realized part of me was like oh i hate i hate tour names in general but then i was like oh it's a merch it's a merch excuse yeah and i think that's a great fans we're we hate it we but we know that you'll lap it up you little bitches it's embarrassing i mean i just ordered i don't know if you saw on the way and i have about 600 moisture crunchy towels and And it's based off a bid I do. It's a bid I do, but I sell them for $10. And I make, I almost, you know, some of these weekends pay horribly. And I get $600 extra dollars off a weekend selling these towels.

It's just another, when you do everything yourself, it's just another thing I have to do. Yeah. You have to carry those everywhere. You have to carry them. Yeah, but that's easier than shirts i mean shirts is this thing shirts is stupid i see people with shirts all and they're like oh i don't have a medium do you want extra extra extra large and they're like no exactly yeah pins are great especially because i'm see i'm so stupid for not doing it because pins are it's one size

they're all the same they're light easy to carry gay people fucking love pins there you go there you go and i won't make them i'm holding myself back make them i gotta make the pin all right i'm gonna make the fucking pins i mean i just remember the first time i i featured at a comedy club in south carolina and the pay was so shitty and i was like oh i have to do merch or i will just i will lose money on everything I do. But tell me the downsides of doing a tour on your own. It's exhausting. You're like running around the entire time.

Like I literally bring the speaker, the lights, all of the camera equipment. I've got it like down to like such a light rig. But you're still like running through the airport with like just the absolute biggest suitcase in history and you have to check it and then you you've you know like you're getting everywhere early you're setting up you're you are ushering people in at your own tour like i've had shows where people are like aren't you aren't you ashley camden and i'm i'm like yup and we have two seats right up front can't wait to start the show and it takes away from the magic yeah and the value of the ticket unless

the fan unless the person coming to see you really understands who you are then it adds value then they're like yeah Ashley does literally everything herself like this is part of it are you in your I know you don't do a character on stage but we all have our persona are you doing it no I have my hat on front and character on stage, but we all have our persona. Are you doing it with that energy? No, I have my hat on front and low.

Like I'm almost like trying to like, I'm like Leonardo DiCaprio ushering people. I'm like, please don't recognize me. But they're going to know. But I'm trying to like be quiet and like not give them anything. That's the thing, one of the things about like merch after or before a show. It's weird. I like to be mean. I'm a little mean on stage.

Oh, I'm a cunt. But when it's merch, I go like, hi, how are you? Thank you so much for coming. And I wish I was cool. I wish I was like, fuck you. I don't know what I do. But I worked really hard on everything I'm saying on stage. I can't improvise that shit.

Yes. It's like they're going to find out you're not as funny as they thought you were. Some people who don't watch a lot of stand-up, they're like, there's magic up there. They just think these things. You're like, no, this is crafted. This is scripted heavily. Tell me where you go loosely.

I did 10 cities from Portland down to San Diego and then over to Phoenix. Then I did a Texas thing. I did Austin and Dallas and I headlined Oklahoma City's Pride, which was really cool. That was not part of the backyard tour, but it was outside. Was it hard to do a Pride?

Is the energy, I just feel like a Pride show would be like everyone's just screaming and having fun. Dude, I followed 9,000 drag queens and it was a difficult transition. So there were 10,000 people at this thing. Oh, my God. 10,000. That's what they said. In Oklahoma City.

Yeah, there are that many gay people there. Isn't that wild? That's all of them. Literally every gay person in Oklahoma. And at this particular Pride, there were a lot of young people. I mean, I saw 14-, 15-year-olds, 16-year-olds. One, like, 13-year-old raised their hand in the middle of my set and goes, I just, and I was like, yes, because I used to be a teacher. I was like, okay, yes, comment, question.

And they go, you're my favorite TikToker. And I was like, this is fucking weird. Like, thank you, but, like, this is bizarre. Like, it's a comedy set. But when I got up there, after all the drag queens, for the drag queens, the children at Pride are just fucking, they love RuPaul. Yeah. They're losing their minds.

They don't know about the fracking thing? They don't know about the fracking. We talk about this on my podcast. I did it with the 13-year-old, and you're like, oh, what's your favorite bit? The part about how I like fingering women on their period? Like, is that your favorite TikTok of mine? Right, about how I like fingering women on their period? Yes. Is that your favorite TikTok of mine?

Right, exactly. I'm like, you shouldn't be watching this. But they're here, and they're fans. And I love that they are. And frankly, I'd rather them from me than from porn. You know what I mean? Sure. Yeah.

Those are the only two options. I mean, they're getting the porn, too. I think it's so difficult with fans. I subscribe to your newsletter, too. Oh, my God. I'm going to kill myself. too I think it's so difficult with fans like I subscribed to your newsletter too but again it's partly more I mean it's me like being like okay cool what are other comics who are doing their own thing and it's like

with these fans and sometimes when I write my Patreon messages there's this mix of me like being like cynical and also being like thank you for continuing to subscribe I need this so badly I badly so grateful but i am dissociated because i don't feel that i deserve any of it like like an actual an actual someone who's like i love your writing or i love this element like talks to me on a craft

level but someone who's just like i'm a big fan of your tiktoks i'm like i don't know how to talk to you like this feels like because i'm not a fan of anybody like i appreciate people's craft but i'm not like a fan yeah maybe taylor swift that's yeah we'll hover yeah no comics like for me i feel like it's easier to do if it's a different thing too like you're like you're like with comedy you're like oh i understand like you can appreciate and really be able to bring but fanning over it feels a little strange because it's what you do so you're like and i'm not shitting on anybody that you're a fan of someone's work you are probably a more normal person than i am you probably are not as screwed up as i am that i because i when you're trying to like make it in this industry you have to protect yourself and put up certain like you know mechanism guardrails and mechanisms you're probably just a normal person with a great

psyche also you are your podcast is called uh let's what is it gay sex let's talk about gay sex let's have gay sex i don't want to watch you just figure it out yeah keep naming gay sex because you have to have gay sex to listen something happens when comedians particularly like straight male comedians are trying to say the name of my podcast they literally can't do it they can't they can't figure it out they lose their minds i have it here gay sex gay sex we're having gay sex we're having gay sex pretty close is that hard for you to say no i i'm all about it i i'm joking around i'm putting you on the spot i already i i know my story if you ever spot. I already I know my story. If you ever have me on, I already know my story.

No, I thought you were gay. I really have a feminine vibe to me. I love it. Yeah. I was like, we're on this team over here. No, I've gotten that before. Which is weird because you're fucking gay. Yeah.

I mean, John Marco, I think, is in certain ways, but in other ways, quite straight. In the sex way, you're straight. But in all the other ways, you're gay. Not all the other ways. I'm a mess. And if we're talking about stereotypes, I'm talking about broad stereotypes. No, no, no, the other ways. Clothes, I wear cargo shorts. I still have them.

If I didn't have a girlfriend, the moment Tova's gone, those cargo shorts are going back on. I already got a joke for her. Wow, she's training you. That's good. She is. I mean, these sandals are because of her.'s a there's a lot of there's a lot of i love women um i'm sorry but i'm saying when you you because it's because it's about being gay and you talk about like this 13 year old fan of pride you probably get messages from people i got one or two that are like you help with my mental health and i I'm like, oh, please seek a professional because I'm just trying to be funny.

You feel anxiety. You feel a weight. And I can imagine being a gay comedian. There's so many people in tough situations. Yeah, really tough. Like there are several categories, but like women with children leaving their husbands, that's a category. I get that message like once a month.

Hey, I've been married for this long. I have this many kids. I'm getting divorced like once a month hey I'm I've been married for this long I have this many kids I'm getting divorced I'm gay I'm coming out like you hear no matter how many times you hear that you're like holy shit like I'm so happy for you but I should have nothing to do with this but and to say that if you are listening and that is your story I'm so glad to be a part of your story I I'm just joking. But the weight of it is to think of this because I can't help it. I literally picture this person telling their husband and their family that they're gay. I can't not think about it. And it's so emotionally overwhelming to think about that.

And then children, you know, 15, 16, 17 year old kids, homophobic towns, homophobic parents. I picture them. I picture them, their parents finding out about the podcast, seeing it on their phone. I liked it coming on in the call. Like, I can't. I do all the gay. I have. I'm reliving gay trauma.

Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. It's, like, really intense. But also, thank you for listening to my podcast. Exactly. Exactly. I was so curious. You talked about where you did this cruise line but you

weren't allowed to talk about being gay on the pg shows on the pg shows which is incredible now you this you were the first openly openly gay yeah on what cruise line was this um i'm not gonna name the cruise line even though i constantly do it and it's everywhere but i'm gonna you know what i'm gonna try to start avoiding it. It's a budget cruise line. You definitely know which cruise line it is. When you say budget, you mean cheap? Cheap as fuck. I'm talking like you should be really, if you knew how much, you can get a $120, like three or four day cruise from this cruise line.

And you're like, how do they do that? You don't want to fucking know. You don't want to know. Knowing that food is good. Toxic waste and working people like you own them in the middle of the ocean because of international water laws like really fucked up shit but you were thanks for hiring me how long did you do that for um they comics get treated well on these things they're not like other um people who work on the cruise that have to be on there for really long

contracts we're only out there for a couple days and sometimes you'll do them back to back so you know i was on a boat you might be on a boat for two weeks if you're really going hard on a particular they scheduled that way but a lot of times you'll be on this boat for like five days and then you'll be on another boat oh that's you know for however yeah it's it's actually people shit on cruise comedy and they should because a lot of it is really bad but there are also really good comics who this is a huge part of their living and they're still trying to make it and they're still trying to like get a late night set or whatever. Some of them have late night sets and like they use this just to like pay their rent. And yeah, I think it's a scary. I always get scared of even if I got a cruise, which I could use the money.

It'd be great. But there's a feeling of like, oh, I won't be around in case something pops up that's just always the thing in your head yeah you go away you come back in six months you don't recognize any of the comics on the lineup yeah all your friends moved to la yeah i did them for that reason during december i like did like three weeks back to back i did christmas i did new year's i did thanksgiving like when a lot of things weren't like really happening so yeah you got booked and you're the first openly gay comedian on this cruise line yes and what do they tell how do they phrase it to you about these pg shows um first of all they told me i was like this is an r they rate all your shows and i was like this is an r-rated

show and the dude that i was working with he was like we're gonna make it x-rated just in case because my sex stuff is more sex sexual than like a straight dude's sex stuff that's like implicitly how i read it as a gay person like just by virtue of being gay just being gay is r is r like that's just wild um but like i have a girlfriend like me saying i have a girlfriend that's r-rated like that's literally what that means but sorry oh no x-rated feels like it implies there'll be nudity like you're like like yeah x yeah x-rated to me would be like you're not and then i do my fist up it would be like a fist in a pussy you have to see it would be about the depth you're going inside someone r to x no but there's definitely describing know, I definitely have one show that you could argue is X rated, but I have another show.

That's actually one of my R rated shows is actually quite clean for an R rated show because I had to put all of my clean gay material in that show. Yeah. Because it can't go in the clean show. So I have clean gay material in the R rated show. It's crazy. And explicitly they said PG. Yeah. They were like, you can't, the clean show so i have clean gay material in the r-rated show it's it's crazy and explicitly they said pg yeah they were like you can't i think they phrased it in other stuff they were

like no drugs no gay they said no gay no gay you can't i don't think they said race but they might have also lumped race into that category um what does that mean no race no sex obviously like no race talk like oh like i imagine that's for the black comedians who can't be too black on the beach pg show uh no black i mean i haven't asked them that but i i have a friend i could text him and could be like hey do you get to be black on the pg show or do you just stand there like you just keep the lighting very low yeah um yeah they have like was that that, you had to do an hour? Half hour.

Okay, half hour is manageable. Hour with like, without any of that, it just is tough. It's really tough because at least when you're straight, you can do, my girlfriend, my wife, like I'm literally dancing around the pronouns and I just, I feel such a revulsion. I have one joke that I was like, I'm just going to switch the pronouns today because this is a good clean joke and I like it and it'll work well at the PG show. And I've slipped up.

One time I slipped up and said she by mistake, but I- And the audience grabbing their children. Oh my God. No one even- We didn't know this was an X-rated show. No one even fucking. I'm sure some people clocked it.

I'm sure the really weird homophobic people were just like i'm gonna ignore that because that's you know a lot how a lot of people handle that stuff but um yeah i couldn't i can for money i will do pretty much anything but i couldn't bring myself around to really use they non-gendered pronouns during the set because it reminded me of like being in the closet the way that i used to have to talk to people at work like very carefully you know you could just straight up lie and be like my boyfriend this my boyfriend that but that feels gross too it's like when i watch it's very funny to watch uh some of ellen degenes' first specials

and she's talking about dating men and how much she hates it. And you're like, you're getting close, you're getting close. But she's on stage wearing like an extra large suit talking about dating men.

Yeah. She had a serious girlfriend. It's just like so sad. Ellen, I got some hate online because I said Ellen DeGeneres is vegan. And I said that should give her a little wiggle room of being an asshole. And I think I'm not saying she should be an asshole. Some people did not like that.

Some people were very upset about it. They were like, she treats her staff worse than cattle. And I was like, yeah, but she treats her staff better than we treat cattle. But people were not having it people people have labeled her as a as a the bad person it's just so upsetting to them because she's gay and was like such a beacon of like night like she's like that was her whole brand was like being kind so i think that's like a ups the level of backlash in response to her being a total asshole do you have an emotional like respect for her given like what she i mean what she did is astounded it's really unfortunate how much um respect it's okay though not these people don't have to be perfect we can still say like wow

that's incredible i mean i'm deeply disappointed like when i heard about all this stuff i was like fuck man like come on like you're like my hero you know like come on you're so many people's heroes hero it just sucks that like she's clearly got some major major issues at the bare minimum and is like unethical as an employer on the other yeah you know yeah but yeah i do she went through i mean she did it like all for us she came out she felt the backlash and then when america came around she was like willing she was mentally able to forgive and like move forward that's incredible and for the more yeah excellent comedian yes i mean ellen was an excellent comedian some of those stand-up specials a lot of people do i've seen a couple comedians that

do bits that i'm like oh ellen kind of already did this yeah i don't say anything because you know no one sees that hbo special that i'm watching yeah uh for her first 30 minutes on hbo but she really like had her own own style the way she did act out she was astounding she's like one of the greatest ever period and also an asshole yeah and a gay icon She is all of those things. Tough. Tough break. So where'd you grow up? New York.

I'm born and raised here. Born and raised. Where in New York? Yorkville. Like between the Upper East Side and Harlem. On the East Side. And did you enjoy growing up there? I think so.

You think so? I love New York. I will never leave here. Yeah? You really think so? Yeah. I mean, you were touring all mostly along the West Coast, right? You know what was cool?

Phoenix was kind of cool. What was cool about Phoenix? I liked, like, it was just beautiful, and it's the same every day. I kind of like that. I feel like sometimes I've gone on vacations like that, and I feel like day five or six, like, the people there really pride that the weather thing too and they're like isn't it great it's like this every day and I'm like I have

a hard time with that because I like if I felt like every day was the same I can't feel time and I feel it feels sad to me like I'm like every day is the same there and they're like isn't it beautiful it's this beautiful every day and I'm like well find something else to fucking talk to me about like because like i when we i

when i went on a trip with nicole to this tropical thing it was like every day they'd be like i bet it's nicer here than it is in new york you're like yeah obviously but i noticed the passing of time there and i just it's just something that bothers me i went to hawaii and i felt the same way after like the at the end of the vacation. I was like ready to be done with this years and years and years ago. I'm going to Hawaii in November for a friend's wedding. So I'm excited. I got a gig finally. I made sure

it's not a pure vacation. I'm going for a friend's wedding. Oh, you're doing a set in Maui? Yeah. I got a headlining night at the Blue Note November 3rd. Hawaii listeners, please go. I need to talk to you about clubs.

I've just been totally... There's another one over here. I've just been totally into indie, so I haven't really been talking to clubs, but I think maybe I will. Yeah, I mean, you have the followers to sell. I can't sell tickets. I can't sell shit. Gay people. Listener, you. I can't sell shit. Gay people. Listener,

you'll lap up all my shit. I know this. You little gay freak. But yeah, I'm going to Honolulu for two days with Tova. Tova's going too. Two days in Honolulu,

then my friend's wedding. And he wants me, he wants me to, at the rehearsal dinner, do like a performance. Don't do it. He already gave me some money, so I doing it uh because i can't like a roast uh no well here's he's like he wants me to to do like he everyone's gonna do toast but he wants me to do a little longer but her family

he's like uh they're catholic um they're all they're both families are asian and she's super catholic and he's like pg don't offend anyone stuff well there's there's certainly a thing of like my my best friend in middle school was it was asian at a pretty much very non-diverse high school my best friend was asian i have a unique perspective uh i haven't talked to him in years. But there's certainly, if I'm like the only white person in a predominantly Asian wedding, there's going to be some kind of joke. There's going to be something to say.

I'm not going to do an Asian accent. I'm not going to be hacky about it. Why not, John Mark? I'm going to want to make a joke about it. It jokes about him, and they're Catholics, so he's like, you can't offend the Catholics. It's got to be PG. And I'm like, this is my middle school friend. So he's like, he's like, you can't offend the Catholics. It's gotta be PG. And I'm like, this is my middle school friend.

So you have to do Asian material. That's what he said to you. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, how well do you know him? Uh, like we were middle school,

like best buds. And then. So he is the middle school friend. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And we stayed in touch forever, but again, to see each other, talk to each other, you know, two phone calls a year. Yeah. But kind of had like a deep, a deep bond of, uh, see each other, talk to each other, you know, two phone calls a year. Yeah.

But kind of had like a deep, a deep bond of like I want to talk about in whatever this thing is. We would like have sleepovers and there's a person that would be like, hey, man, do you ever think about God? And he'd be like, yeah. And that would be the end of the conversation. But like it felt like, wow, that was the first conversation I had about that stuff. We both like we both when you go through puberty at the same time, he was someone, he was very popular. He was a soccer kid, very fit, six pack. And women would hit on him. And he like, he was very aloof.

He wasn't into it. And he'd tell me to like, tell them I'm not interested. And then I would. And they'd be like, oh, you just want Kevin all to yourself. I was. But that was the thing. We had a very, we had a,

uh, I think there was like a certain kind of crush, a heterosexual crush. If you were jerking each other off at the sleepovers. No, can we talk about this? Is there any, any jerking off?

Cause like you read in books, you'll read in fiction, like boys having sleepovers and then there's like a little there's just like a hiccup in the book like the book is like a coming of age book and there's like always one hand job there's always one weird gay hand job in every kind of coming of age story about men and i'm like when are the men gonna tell me on the podcast that they've that they've done this because i know it's happening and no one's told me yet. Do you ever have a friend jerk off?

I've gone to a bathroom during like those kind of sleepover and jerked off. Like when I was a child. Close. But like it was never like, there was never like a group thing. But it is weird because sometimes you'd be like. Sometimes they're doing it under the sheets. So like I would finger girls under the sheets. You would watch you would watch the porn sometimes you know like as a group and you're like porn well not like we want swordfish it was like skinamax you know it was like it was

like softcore stuff swordfish i was watching i remember it's like my 13th birthday and hallie berry she's suntanning and then she takes down her suntan thing and she's there and she's i mean her and hugh jackman in that movie are the most beautiful people in the world and we would be like go back and we'd look at it and i'm sure we're all yeah we're all hard i guess thank you no i like that you guys are making the effort no i think okay okay how about this the grossest thing i ever did i when i first started jerking off, I mean, I was a floor humper, I guess I would call it. I don't know if that's a technical term.

I love that. Yeah. It's funny enough. You lay down on the floor and hump the floor? You'd hump the floor and you wouldn't get fully erect, but I would still be able to like climax. How old were you? Like 12, I'd say.

12, 13. That's very similar to like the stuff that girls do that we don't talk about because people want female masturbation to just be like. But the difference is. Like strapping a dick to the wall and fucking it from, you know what I mean? That's what everyone wants it to be. But it's mostly humping. It's a lot of humping. The difference is though, I would climax though.

So there would be the, and you try to, this is intense. be the and you try to this is intense you would try to uh position your penis that it would at least come and it would hit the boxers and not just the pants in which case you would see see a mark you'd see you know you're going about your day you're going about your day after that you're not changing pants you're not changing pants because i'd be at a sleepover so there would be there was one or two movies where you'd be watching and I'd be on the floor. So you're thinking about humping that. Oh my God, you're coming in front of your friends? You're humping that floor and coming in front of your friends.

Men are amazing. Men are, we treat them like shit now, but you guys actually deserve all the things that you've accomplished. You are humping the floor. You're coming in front of your friends and then inventing the airplane? That's unbelievable. I thought you were up in a room alone just humping the floor. You were in a group setting.

If we're watching a sexy movie and Halle Berry shows her tits, what are you going to do? You're in a sleeping bag, basically. Everyone's got pillows. Everyone's in pajamas. You're all watching. God, I wonder how many of you

were coming in this scenario. I wonder. Do you know? I feel like I was probably, I probably had a problem. I was doing it a lot. No, no, no. I don't think that you,

don't judge yourself like that. I forgive you. but the thing is like in my mind i was being like very surreptitious about it i was like just like kind of gently thrusting sure but i bet if i could see outside view it was clear that i'm just like fucking the ground so hard oh yeah oh yeah yeah and i'm sure like when you're masturbating at camp or at college and you're like don't fucking deep sigh right now do not deep sigh but i'll go one further no shaky breaths my friend kevin who i'm gonna try to talk about on the set like we did this one i had a paintball guns and in middle school we we it was me him and two women from our class and i played this i said let's play spin the co2 bottle. We're like, we would,

that was the CO2 was for the people and we spun it. And basically the girls said that they would kiss each other. If Kevin and I would kiss each other. Nice. And we, we pecked, we gave each other a peck. I think that was my first kiss. Oh my God.

And I'm going to bring that up at the wedding. Um, thank you. I've had, I got another one where a guy, you're just pitching yourself i got a lot i think i've had more gay sex than most of your guests i don't know about that um i did have a story about a sleepover at one time i uh we it was like we were young but like

must have been early high school but we will we had had drinks and uh we had like a cinemax soft core thing and and some one of the guys had paused it and like a particularly lovely set of of breasts and but we were drinking like they paused it and then we were all hanging out down in the basement and um i there was one bed down there and i was going to stay down there so i stayed down there and we're just like you know know, we're drinking a lot and we fell asleep. So we fell asleep. Thing was still paused. So in the morning, his mom comes down to do she's doing laundry and she's a pair of women's titties like paused on the screen with me sleeping there.

And I waked up and I didn't notice at first. And she was like, good morning, Russell. And like I was like, oh, hi. And then waked up and I didn't notice it at first and she was like, good morning, Russell. And I was like, oh, hi. And then it was so embarrassing. That's the beginning of a good porn. She's like, so you like tits? You know, I have some tits.

Would you like to see mine? Hello, stepson. I didn't know that you liked tits. How about I get stuck in this dryer? Lesbian porn, is there as much mom stuff There's a lot of mom step mom True lesbian porn Shout out jelly filled girls they're great

Jelly filled girls They're an actual lesbian couple They keep their identities hidden You can only see them from Kind of nose down True lesbian porn Nah Not really I'm not a big porn person but really yeah no if we're gonna go into porn we're gonna like go into a really super like uh it's gonna get

very listener it's gonna get very gay like my we've gotten very gay on this podcast. The way that I consume porn is sort of like, I'm not dysphoric about my body. I feel very much a woman. I feel good in my body, but I definitely have a masculine energy that I find hard to find in lesbian porn. I see. And I also love looking at women.

I think I have the male gaze. I love looking at women, I think, very the male gaze. I love looking at women. I think very similarly to the way men like looking at women in a sexual way. And I don't think that's true for all lesbians or queer people. And I just like think that straight porn is way more visually appealing than lesbian porn because actual good sex for a woman is not necessarily visually, cinematically interesting. Yeah. And I want the visual thing. So I watch straight porn. Really? Yeah.

Cause like, I can see like a woman's body, like moving in a way that I really enjoy. Yeah. And when I watch like a lot of like my ex-girlfriend, for example, she like really watched, like to watch like women fingering each other.

And I just get bored. I'm like, I know where the clit is. I don't need this. I can barely see anything. Like I want boobies bouncing. So like, then I,

that's why I go to the straight porn. You don't have as much. And there's strapping in some lesbian porn strap-ons but a lot of people don't use strap-ons and i don't use strap-ons and that actually makes me feel like weird i don't like that so i don't want to see it in my porn like i don't want to be i don't it makes me feel strange is strap-ons more more niche i don't like i have no idea what percentage i wouldn't call them niche but they're not nearly as common as people think people think like women improve men think lesbian sex is scissoring and straight women think that lesbian sex is strap-ons and it's really funny um every woman is like so like like who like what

how big what is how where do you when you put it on like how long does it and i'm like i don't fucking have one yeah but sometimes men think double-ended dildo i get double-ended dildo a lot from men i when i think about i could just the the the able to like both doing at the same time yeah yeah every everything that's not very basic sex wise i'm like oh there's no way that's fun yeah i just will always always remember the one when I had sex with being like, let's try a wheelbarrow. And like, you know,

we get off the bed, out of the floor and I'm like holding her for three seconds. I'm like, this is the worst. I can't hold you up anymore. The angle's terrible. This is awful. Yeah.

But spooning too. I've always been too tall. Spooning. Oh, I love spooning. Spooning in general, spooning sex. Yeah. Spooning sex. Spooning sex works for me. Oh, I love spooning. Spooning in general. Spooning sex. Yeah, spooning sex. Spooning sex. It ends up just being

doggy style on its side. Yeah, I really like that. I think that's fun. But not with the strap on. No, just with my hand. With your hand? Yeah, it's great. Okay. So

I think it's, I watched a little bit of your your very viral ted talk oh maybe you're most watched i can't believe you googled me this much of course humiliating does the research i hate talking about the ted talk but i said nothing was off the table that's so that'd be funny you're like talk about my dad who died no ted talk that's humiliating i hate the ted uh i always forget so this is where our commercial will be. When we come back, we'll talk about the TED Talk. This episode is brought to you by A Real Pain. From Searchlight Pictures comes one of the buzziest films at Sundance Film Festival, A Real Pain.

Written, directed, and starring Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg alongside Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin. Witness a hilarious and moving story about two mismatched cousins as they tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th.

Interior Chinatown is an all-new series based on the best-selling novel by Charles Yu about a struggling Asian actor who gets a bigger part than he expected when he witnesses a crime in Chinatown. Streaming November 19th only on Disney+. And we're here for the TED Talk. You're doing ads? Whatever program.

That's great. I'm on my manager's network loosely. Oh, cool. It's cool, but I have never seen a check from these ads yet so i imagine they're still waiting for it to wrap up my check either from my ads and it's been a long time what do you advertise for uh helix all forms some headphones um it's just getting started i just signed with my studio like a few what studio 71 studios congratulations it's yeah it's cool yeah i i do you have to do straight copy reads do you get to have fun with my own ads good that's

what i want to do i want it to be fun i hate it when it's not fun i i've found a really fun rhythm with some some dark humor last week yeah so i was like are you i have my helix mattress which i actually do love and i'm not doing a plug for helix mattress would that be so funny if they were like actually we need to get you on the downside and you have to plug the Helix mattress. But I have one. And I was like, uh, listener,

are you up all night thinking about a former lover? Like I am. And I go into this whole breakup thing about my mattress. Great. And I'm going to do, I think I'm going to do all of them that way. You should. I mean,

Tim Dillon always does great. Like ad reads. That's what he kind of partly what his podcast was known for in the beginning. Oh. And then I was listening. Anthony Jelson, I guess, podcast that I, you know, I'm a big fan boy. Talk about like a bit of a crush. He's a cutie.

He is. But he said on some podcast that he does some ad reads where they get back and they're like, you have to redo it. Or this doesn't count because he fucked around with it too much or he had too much fun well he probably forgets the one thing they don't want you to forget is like the code do not forget the link do not forget the code yeah you know that's what they usually get mad at you about i've done i've been trying to do i get weird free branded stuff for the i'm sure you get lots of free shit for your instagram i usually turn it down though because i i do think that we should be paid i agree but that's why i i try my goal with it is can i make a post that they don't want to

share or at least i think it's so funny that it's worth the post i saw one of yours and i was like really like wow he did this fucking ad i don't remember what it was but i was like damn you did that ad well i'm getting i'm getting a bidet soon uh the tushy tushy i'm getting a tushy they turned me down they turned you down they offered me an offer and then we gave them a number and they were like no which was really sad because i love butt stuff so much i just want the free one but tova and i were trying to come up with you know it's got to be funny it's hard it's hard always part of me i thought i was thinking i was going to sit on it i turn it on and then brown water would come out of my

mouth. Oh my gosh. That's a lot to pull off. It's a lot. It's a high concept. Are you doing it in one shot? Yeah. Are you somehow sneaking the brown water? I turn it on and I feel kind of good. And then in my mind, brown shoots out of my mouth.

But I'm excited to have a bidet. I'm probably going to use it. How much does a bidet normally cost? Well, this is like something you got to attach it. I'm going to have it peg me. That's what I'm excited. I mean, I'm probably going to try it once.

Maybe it's less. I don't know. $69. If you have one, you should use it. I don't think this one. He does? Yeah. Does it get warm?

I don't know. This one I think is going to be cold. Cold bidet. Cold water on the asshole. I love a bidet because I got a big hairy ass. I wax. You wax your ass? I get a full Brazilian.

You don't understand. You don't have as much hair. No, I don't. My ass is covered in hair. I'm sure it is. Mine is not. The rainforest declining is partially due to me wiping my ass. I had a roommate once in-

Bamboo toilet paper, just for your listeners. What do you mean? I use bamboo toilet paper. How much does bamboo toilet paper cost? Not nearly as much as people think. Where do you even get it? Is it better for the environment? Amazon, better for the environment.

Bamboo is- Oh, good. Yeah. I had a roommate. This was the most embarrassed webinar with a roommate. He was like, we go through toilet paper pretty fast. And I was like, I don't know what to tell Oh, good. Yeah. I had a roommate. This was the most embarrassed webinar with a roommate. He was like, we go through toilet paper pretty fast. And I was like, I don't know what to tell you, buddy. You should get your asshole waxed.

So then it's just like... They'll be like... It's Steve Carell. You know, he had the chest. He had little patches. It would be like a little patch of no hair surrounded by hair. No, like they get in your asshole. Oof, that sounds very painful.

No, it's not. It actually kind of feels nice. They get in your asshole. Oof, that sounds very painful. No, it's not. It actually kind of feels nice. The vagina, like above my clit, that hurts. But not so much anymore, but a little bit.

The asshole feels like I'm getting scratched, like a back scratch. It's kind of nice. How often would you think he would need to go? Every five weeks. Every five weeks. All right, I'll give it a try. Maybe that could be a Patreon episode. Yeah, you should definitely try it for Patreon. I feel, i don't care what a woman does with her body hair ever i do not give a fuck i like i sometimes i really like it so i i don't i have no opinion on no hair but for me

i don't like my butt hair i feel cleaner i feel like i can get cleaner. Yeah. Yeah. I hear you. Good try getting away from this TED Talk, but we're back to it. So you went, do you go to NYU? No. Where was this talk though? Was it at NYU? Yeah. Yeah, it was at NYU. Okay.

So you were talking about computer science, engineering. Yes. And why are you, why you should feel proud? I don't. It's very funny because it's it's pre you doing stand-up yes and i was like waiting for you to like come out of this kind of like educational and tell like an audience member to go fuck themselves or something like to do some crowd work but uh i was just like waiting to see like your anger come out or something i was like super

tame but you had jokes in it there were jokes you had. You had a joke about Larry Page, the Google guy, and it was like, look at Larry Page is with this girl who's way hotter than he is. You should get into computer science. Well, let me tell you something about this viral TED Talk. That's funny. I gave the TED Talk. The team fucking loved it.

They wanted it on the main TED website. They were going to convert it into a full ted talk the camera uh the microphone broke none of my audio was recorded the original ted talk i got laughs on that ted talk bro i was murdering up there then they go we're gonna try and re-record it so we can send it to ted they get the entire catering staff from the event to sit in the front rows they zoom in so it looks like it was the original ted talk i give the whole ted talk over again by the way i've strep throat i'm running a fever also in addition to this run it again the audio is still fucked up they don't have the uh the audience mic'd so you can't hear

any of the laughter on it and it's the second time they've heard it and it's the at the end of the day they're the catering staff so that is yeah if i was the catering staff be like are you fucking serious yeah yeah oh my god that poor shout out caterers who came to my ted talk and they didn't want to be there so that was actually and i can certify this because i'm still friends with the girl who put put me this TED Talk. That is that thing. And in the YouTube comments, there are people like, she thinks she's so funny, no one's laughing. And as a comedian, you have no fucking idea how much I hate those comments. Uh-huh.

Yeah. I know it's not that funny. It's a TED Talk. I'm not like an arrogant fuck that I think my TED Talk is like so wonderful or whatever. But I do hate that the audience is not mic'd and it's like. They never. Yeah. I just got a clip from Flappers Comedy Club.

They pulled two clips from a set I did there and they're like, can we post these? And you cannot hear the audience. And I'm like, guys. I know. I don't understand. I don't understand. A lot of times. How is there an audience in here?

There's like a lot of times people don't know this, but if audience is not miked properly the sound that it sounds like the comedian's bombing and they're not when i take my special that was my number one concern is mics in the audience yeah i wanted all the mics i wanted i want every audience member to be miked up yeah every single one because my first i recorded a special once we never released it but like we put the mic one of the two mics in the audience was next to a friend of mine who laughed like and we were like well we lost that whole track i put a mic on the stage and i just face it out yeah that that does a pretty good job because then then you get to hear what you felt on stage and so we we filmed a sketch once and i swear the audio didn't capture the audience laugh

and my whole sketch team was like oh really the laughs were louder in person joe marco and i was like they fucking were you're behind them when you film it that's true um so so you were a comedian then or no i just started i was about a year in and what made you start if because computer science you were working in computer science yeah i was pretty successful i had a fucking ted talk and uh uh were you making good money yeah oh my god and i don't know what's wrong with me what made you want to start cop like what was the first thing i always wanted to do comedy were you always funny yeah you were the funny person i mean in computer science it must not be hard i'm'm just saying like in computer science. I feel like I'm dominating this podcast. Not to, I know like you guys are great,

but I feel like I've really brought a clear perspective and some pretty good singers. I made a 69 joke that both of you missed and it was really good. I did miss it. Every Ashley Gavin tweet, she replies to it going, this deserves more. I mean, every single one.

Every single one uh it helps actually it's a really good it's like a retweet without retweeting it yeah i just retweeted and you know what's oh my god someone tweeted and i didn't know them but they tweeted i wish i had as much confidence as jim marcus serrazi to retweet all my tweets and i like i blocked her it made me so upset and then she wrote me an instagram message apologizing. And I was like, it's okay. I'm just being a baby. She probably didn't mean it in a bad way. I know.

She's just like nagging you a little bit. You know what is, one of the things where, especially where you're like being this self-starter, you got to promote a lot. Yeah. And I feel, you feel sensitive. Dude, you fucking hustle. But you feel sensitive if someone's like, hey, you fucking cornball. Stop talking about yourself. And you're like, I know.

I know. I know. Yeah. It does. I'd love if other networks were talking about me on my behalf yes it's the fan thing it's this thing where you're like i'm just trying to do a job and i know this is part of the job and it feels fucking weird it feels weird when did you decide to put away computer science um i acted as a kid i was in like this theater troupe i was like did theater throughout everything and then uh you know i did stand up at my eighth grade talent show like this was something i told my father before he died that i wanted to be an actor like like very young i was 11 your father your father died when you were 11 yes Yes. How did he pass away? Cancer. Oh, fuck. I know.

So, hack. It's okay. You can laugh. Did you know for a long time that it was coming? He was sick, but he didn't see enough doctors. He had a stroke the year before. What kind of cancer? A lung.

He smoked. He was just like a super unhealthy dude yeah um great i mean i loved him he was a great dad but uh you know told him like this is what i wanted to do like knew that i was gonna do but then you know like you get neurotic and um i was like well maybe i should do something else because of my own problems. I won't get into it, but therapy. I think it's like a very simplistic interpretation. It's like, it's not practical, but it was deeper than that. It was like really deep-rooted,

like trying to hold myself back type of stuff. And, sorry, fly. Hey, dad. No one ever says reincarnation you see that that fly that's your but then I got to MIT

I was working at MIT I had this girlfriend wait so you where'd you go to college Bryn Mawr Bryn Mawr so you're just also great at school

I mean clearly yeah I had problems too but then I got good at school and I'm not a traditional smart person okay i like i like hacking i like figuring out how these things work and then like um bypassing things and you know but um i got to mit super depressed i had a hot girlfriend i had a two-bed apartment, great job.

And I was just like fucking depressed. And what were you doing at MIT? This was a pro. Oh, I was, I worked at a national security research lab. Now it gets really fucking annoying. No,

I'm fascinated. Yeah, I know. I know. Everyone's like, why don't you talk about this on stage? And I'm like, I just think it's so fucking stupid.

But everyone else is like, what? Yeah. I worked for like the government. I made not weapons but i made uh i worked in a biochem defense group we worked on projects that i'm like not supposed to talk about um and they're really fucking boring were you proud of the work or was it super everyone dude the comparison between people being like wow mit that must have been really hard and i'm like

no you know what's fucking hard? Being a comedian. MIT is a fucking joke. You think of a funny tweet every day. That's tough. You think that those people are smart? They're not fucking smart. They just learned how to do this thing.

Computer science, just no one wants to do it. Literally, no one wants to do it. It is not that hard. It is not. Basic computer science, which is like 90 of computer

science jobs are just like if you took intro to computing that's half of it that's like half of what you need to know and then you like a couple other classes you you really only need like a boot camp like a one-year boot camp anyone could do this job but everyone was like wow you must be such a genius and i was like no i'm emotionally tortured and like a very regular i'm not great at computer science i mean whatever i don't care but you must be i'm fine i'm fine at computer science but i'm not i was never one of those you know when this is so such a deep cut but like when you take computer science classes, there is, there are multiple solutions to a problem and there is a best way with like, there is some sort of creative problem solving wiggle room, but there is usually what they call the elegant solution, which is like the simplest and the most efficient. I never found that

solution. I just, it's very similar to the way I do comedy. I was like, I can't figure this fucking out. Hollywood won't let me do it. So let me go this way, which is not efficient and much worse, but I'm still going to get there. I'm still going to like reach the, yeah. So what was the transition like from doing that to like, was there a moment where you're like, oh, I'm just going to do, I'm going to do comedy full time. Like, were you doing like.

Yeah, I was starting, I was writing a musical with my friend and we ended up having a falling out he's a dude she is the name of the musical anyone um i think i was calling it me tube at the time i'm sorry me me tube it was pre-me too when the me too movement starts like we gotta change this we gotta change this no it was change this title no it was a play on YouTube it was about like it was about social media it's sort of like I wrote

I wrote a social media play too I just feel like a lot of people wrote a social media play in like 2012 yeah yeah yeah yeah it was a musical that's exactly

mine was called Facebook Without the Vowels and it was just about you know someone getting wrapped up in social media yeah I was writing this thank god it almost went to the fringe

and I was like thank god and then Dear Evan Hansen I guess was the best one but and very sad you know someone getting wrapped up in social media i was writing thank god it almost went to the fringe and i was like thank god and then dear evan hansen had i guess was the best one but um and very originally it was it was called black lives matter okay just to be clear it was not me too it was me too anyway yeah and i was writing this musical with my friend and he we ended up having a falling out and so when that happened i was like okay well i quit my job i'm living with my mother i might as well go do ucb so i started doing ucb and then that was not happening fast enough so then i was like fuck it i'm gonna try stand up and then i tried stand up and i was like

this is the this is the thing and then i just like focused on stand up but you at some point did you leave a job yeah i told them i said to them i was like hello mit i would like a leave of absence for a year and in a year i would like my job back and they were just like sure okay because it's a great no one can code so it's gonna be hard to replace me. I'm also probably I don't know if this matter, but I'm a woman and I was good. I was good at my job. Yeah. So, yeah, they and then they called me and I remember just being on the phone and then being like, yep, we have some really cool stuff going on with sensors, some cool sensor projects.

And I just remember being like, oh like oh my god there's literally no way i'm ever doing this again this is so boring and stupid are you kidding me um and and they're great shout shout out shout out lincoln lab lincoln lab group what group was i in 45 i don't remember uh was there a financial difference in what your life looked like suddenly? I got a job. I was living with my mom, so that was huge. So I didn't have rent, and I got a job for about the same amount of money at Girls Who Code

where I wrote the whole curriculum, and that's how I got the TED Talk because it was about education. Girls Who Code is a program. What is Girls Who Code? It's a very – a lot of people know it. You're just you know not very woke um but was huge in 2012 so much buzz in 2012 now not as much yeah that was teaching they it's an uh it's like a program where they teach girls how to code but then you

did that eventually you stopped that too yeah it's just i just feel like you had jobs that must have paid well and then stand up and matter and we're like intellectually simulating and anyone would be so lucky to have those jobs. I've been like hugely privileged throughout my entire life and I keep throwing it all away. Tell me, is there any downside of trying to teach, trying to get more women into what is coding?

Yeah. Like, is there, is there, the downside is that you're leading them towards a career where they're definitely gonna get sexually harassed in coding really yeah it's it's not a pleasant the problem with computer science is look eventually you get to a management job but it is you're trying to tell these young women you're like no it's not just totally in a

basement all day by yourself writing code but actually those first couple years depending on what you're doing there is a lot of time alone writing code yeah and to get to a higher level where you're doing some really intellectually simulating stuff and working with other people and maybe managing people you kind of have to get through that and the people around you can really suck. And the other side of it is the way we teach computer science. Oh my God, fuck me. Please, I want to know, give it.

Okay, so the other side of it is that the people that you're working with do not have liberal art education. They just have engineering and they have traditionally the pipeline. They tend to be antisocial. They tend to, you know,

like not have great interpersonal skills. They tend to have never spoken to a woman in their entire lives. And I'm really not trying to shit on these people. I think we need to reform the entire thing. So that these people have to take an English class or have to take some sort of seminar. But then that young woman that I'm teaching goes in and is on a team with those nine dudes, and it's just her.

And I put her there. You know, like, she's gonna, it's gonna suck. And we try to create environments where they can, you know, keep in touch with each other and have a support group. And I give my phone number to all my students, or I gave my phone number to all my students. You know, sometimes I get texts from them now like hey this happened or whatever I haven't talked to you in 10 years but like here this is what's going on and so I'm there for them

but like really sucks man like it sucks it's not it can be a not fun job and everyone's trying to make it fun because we desperately desperately need them it's a huge problem we're getting hacked every day yeah all our i mean it's happening i knew this was gonna happen when i was in college we talked about it you know like but now it's actually happening and we don't have anyone it's a national security problem we're gonna we're all gonna die you feel that america's more unprepared than other countries i don't know where other countries are at but i do know that like if we just need more we just need more tech savvy individuals i think it's so interesting because in the news we always hear about like north korea hacked us or russia hacked us and

i'm like well we're definitely hacking the fuck out of them too yeah we definitely have some good coders here what's the percentage of women in computer science professionally? In the 80s, it was like 37%. And then it fell down to like 20. Really? It fell down? Yeah. After the 80s?

Because at some point, it became a gendered activity. I think it might have been around in personal computing sales and like video game sales started going to marketing. Lego started going towards boys. and like video game sales started going to marketing lego started going towards boys but pre-capitalism computing computing was a very female actually driven career because in during world war ii yo i'm like a fucking wealth of knowledge during world war ii uh all the women were doing the math and the computing on the first computers that have the ENIAC at, uh,

uh, university of Pennsylvania. Women were coding. The first programming language was, I believe written. One of the first coding languages was written by Grace Hopper, who was like a Naval Admiral or something. She was like super cool lady,

probably gay. Do you think it's going in the right direction now? I mean, I feel like I don't fucking know. Like video. I feel like video games. I just auditioned for something that involved eSports. So I watched a bunch of eSports documentaries.

Sure. And it was interesting. I had a hot girl with the glasses on and her tits pushed up. And she's like, you know, doing that. I have auditioned for that stuff. And I was like, they're not going to give this to me. I don't look like a suck dick. That's what they want.

The girls that look like they suck. I want to suck a gamer's dick. I want that. You like sit in your basement and compete on Call of Duty suck. I want to suck a gamer's dick. I want that. You sit in your basement and compete on Call of Duty. I want to fuck you. Is women in coding? Is there more gay women in it, would you say? I don't know.

Yeah. Probably. Probably. Because any gendered field, it seems like gay women have an easier time existing in those spaces than straight women. And why, why? Probably because we can more easily remove ourselves from those women have to like meet men and like date them.

Yeah. And, and men, I think treat them. I think men treat me differently than straight women. And I very much enjoy that. Yeah. I feel like I've,

I've in some, I'm also tall and I have a deep voice and I have brown hair and thick eyebrows that super, no, it's super helps. I used to have a writing partner who's like petite and blonde and like people wouldn't make eye contact with her in our general meetings. And I would like have to keep being like her. Yeah. Yeah. It was rough. I also had like slightly more clout, which made it even harder. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Before we go to this has got to stop. I do want to I would like to you to tell the story again of why you got banned from TikTok the first.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because first of all, I don't know how you're not banned again. You talk about some crazy shit on your TikToks that I would be so scared. I have some jokes that I'm scared to put up on TikTok because they take down shit if it's too sexual. Sexual seems to be the number one yeah thing to be worried about yeah and why did you get banned the first time uh panda porn you posted panda no i was on a live and someone was like panda porn is a thing and i was like what's panda porn and i thought i was going to a website where pandas would be having sex. And I was not showing this on the live.

I was just audio narrating. Turns out panda porn is actually when people dress up as pandas and fuck each other to raise money for panda conserving the wildlife. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Conservatorship.

Yeah, thank you. Brittany. People that... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brittany is actually a panda and that's the whole thing. They dress up like pandas and they have real sex?

They have real sex. But it's for a good cause. It's like a Pornhub thing. It's like... It was like a campaign, panda porn. Yeah. And then I was playing it

and no sex had actually happened but I guess somewhere I said something stupid and they just fucking shut that shit down immediately how long were you not very long because he started to take his dick out and i was like no more and i turned it off okay so it's really it was pre-panda porn is like oh you're daddy bear oh they were talking too yeah they really yeah they really uh extrapolated off the pan when he took the dick out was there was it a zipper? I didn't, they heard the zipper.

That's what, they heard the zipper. You hear a zipper on TikTok? It's just like, they've done an analysis. They can hear any zipper on any live and if a zipper goes.

I think it's funny because pandas, mostly in China, that's like where like, where we get our pandas from. Yep, we import our pandas from China. And I think maybe,

maybe it was that. We need American made pandas. The people in China were like, don't, don't fuck our pandas from china and i think maybe maybe maybe it was that like american made pandas the people in china were like don't don't fuck with pandas we're making a lot of money exporting these pandas we do not yeah um all right well now we're gonna go to uh this has got to stop do you know what i'm talking about you're giving a look like no i just sorry i hurt my ears i read the email john mar Marco. Thank you. I appreciate it. What does your producer even do if she's not here pushing the buttons? Well, she'll appreciate this if she listened. No, I have.

It's a producing team. She books. She books and schedules, which is a big part of it. I know. I have one too. I have another producer, Paige. She helps with the captions and the things. I need to get.

I'm trying to get more and more. Wow, I do all that. I'm trying to get more and more things off my plate. Cause it's fucking nuts. I have an editor now. This is fucking nuts. Yeah. I need an editor, but then I want to do the clips myself.

I really. Yeah. Do you need an editor? Uh, possibly. My editor is fantastic. I'll reach out first. First I'm going to ask Paige what she wants to do.

My, my first person. But then after that, sure. Oh, fuck Paige. Oh, Paige.

Paige is a lot. I'm fuck page. Oh, page pages. I'm so sorry. Page is a wonderful women in tech, women in tech. Um, so, uh, this has got to stop,

uh, where we talk about something that's just got to stop in society, humanity, our own failings. Okay. Um, do you have, people have got to stop asking me about my fucking Ted talk.

That's got to stop. That's, that's almost too specific. I would say for this has got to stop. No, it's going to relate to that.'s almost too specific i would say for this has got to stop no one's gonna relate to that i don't know um uh with something that's got to stop i i've had some couple things that i keep forgetting about in the moment you have anything no because i didn't know we're doing this today i just figure you have one on the way um we're gonna i have a gay one please it happened to me yesterday but it happens all the time but yesterday it was like the most extreme instance and i'm worried that this person is gonna

listen but it's so unlikely i'm doing a show the comedian asked me the headline she's going to be recording some of her she's featuring she's recording and she asked me when i tore because like i'm headlining this she was like what are your audiences like and i was like why why are you asking me this as if the butts in the seat their sexual orientation matters what are you worried about? I never like get to pick. My entire career, I have been performing for straight people. All of them.

All of them straight. And even gay people are like, you must hate it when straight people come to your show. No, because I write the jokes so that they are funny. They're just funny jokes. Doesn't matter who's there. Why do you care? Why do you care if I have a big gay following? It's so diminishing to be like,

well, they're not real people. They're gay people. Right. It's just so fucking, what do you care that they, it's the same $20. It's the same. They're going to laugh the same.

They're human beings. To be fair, the way she asked about it was sort of like, I, I kind of felt fear in her. I was like, are you worried that they're not going to laugh the same way straight people laugh? Are you worried that your recording's not going to, what, why are you asking me this? And of course I took the gig cause she's paying me but like you know it stop stop why do you care yeah i i don't i'm this must happen to um non-white comedians as well i would imagine but like it's just it it's really diminishing to make it seem like well you only have them because is there a stereotype yeah yeah is there a stereotype of of lesbians not

having i will say great sense of humor i will say they can be a tough crowd but having said all that they do not laugh um and i don't know but if that's what it is i wish i just wish you would say it right like hey i know this sucks sometimes lesbians can be a little tight and i would be like you're damn right they can but butts in seats are butts in seats and it's your fucking job to make people laugh at the end of the day if you're a comedian that is your job no matter who is in that crowd and it's strange that that we for whatever reason it's i haven't put my finger on it but i just wish people would stop asking me what the demographic of my crowd is i literally all the time yeah yeah i think it's that's it's there's a thinking that you're going to be able to game there's randomness

with crowds crowd might not be into you crowd might not dig whatever you're talking about any crowd might do it so in in this moment you dig whatever you're talking about, any crowd might do it. So in this moment, you like think you're like, okay, I think I know, I can know something about this crowd. They're gonna be lesbians. So you're like, oh, let me try to game it. And it's like, you could get lesbians that love you, get lesbians that hate you,

the same way with any kind of crowd, but you're trying to game it. And ultimately you are making assumptions in your attempt to like game the system. You're on stage, you're doing a 15 minute set okay yeah put your like couple lesbian quips up first but if you're a good comic that's not gonna the whole thing is not gonna if you're a bad comic lesbian quips up first you're still not gonna be able to kill for the full 15 even if you have your funny little lesbian joke first

because they are human beings. I don't like it when it's like diminishing of what I've accomplished. Yeah, I agree. You've accomplished a great deal. Yeah, I fucking have. All right, let's go on to... You better count your blessings. Who did you get to do this for you?

Douglas Goodhart. Douglas Goodhart. He's got a sketch team. A wonderful musician and comedian and writer. Wow. Do you have music for your podcast? I got it on premiumbeat.com and I paid for it. How does it go?

How much did you pay for that? Zero dollars. It's actually me. That's what it is. You could get a theme song now. Your podcast is doing tremendously. Thank you. That's really nice.

I could. How much did you pay for yours, John Marco? I offered Douglas money. He said no. I think we're having gay sex. Nah nah i'm not doing it pitching you're pitching yeah can i do it please i need some money right now um uh russell do you have a blessing i do rounding out um uh end of an era um my blessing bj the dj our neighbor barbara moved out of our building we will do that she's been in the five years good friend takes out of our building. She's been in there five years.

Good friend. Takes care of our cat. Waters our plants. Just a great, great neighbor. And on our way out, our couch had been kind of run down, and she had a new couch she didn't need in a new place. So we got a new couch. Has a queen pull-out sofa.

got a new couch has a queen pull out sofa it's changed it's so my i i feel like every other blessing i do on this is is barbara but uh but i love barbara and um and i'm thankful and i'm sad that she's gonna be not living in our building anymore bj the dj bj the dj come on an episode she's a dj no but she's she's a she's lived in new york her whole life like she so she's had many lives and uh she was a dj for a while um okay but like uh she was also once a dj always she was a stewardess on trump airlines she was like she's just had every job and every she's wild story did you ever talk to trump yeah she met him a few times she used to play on the softball league the trump softball league and um he it was marla maples was on the team and he would like come and like see see the team it was like while he was having an affair

with marla maples and barbara was on the team it's just as like we like grow like a following there is sometimes i'm like trump did it really well like talk about someone who hustles i mean like baseball team i'm like what the fuck i mean it's weird because you're like okay well if you were given 141 million dollars whatever the fuck you got you might be able to build your brand because he did spend sorry all of it to build the brand so you're like okay yeah he did like in some ways i'm like yeah he did a really good job with the branding but then he also had that huge every fund to like start the brand yeah but but when the people were like invest in yourself like that's it really is just the idea that you watch any sitcom from the

80s 90s and he's the name that they give as wealth and he wasn't the wealthiest person but like that was got into our psyche as being like donald trump is rich you know yeah like yeah um anyways well bj the dj we're a big fan of you i i met you once at your party yes yeah she was on my birthday party stuff she was great she brought yeah she did she's the best bj the the DJ. I will say I'm thankful. Some comics have said very nice things to me leading up to Comedy Central. But the other thing they did, they gave me a lot of little spots this week. I asked for as many times to run this set.

And I asked for so many yesterday. I missed a couple in the calendar. I'm usually very good about that but i think i've been so chaotic i think i had like eight shows yesterday i made five of them wow and the three that i missed you know i'm on some of the flyers that i missed and i wrote them and i said i'm sorry and they were like totally cool we get it and i think when you book someone at least for me when i'm booking someone in that position i know there's a chance they're not going to make it. Yeah.

But they were very sweet. I'm just saying, like, you know, people, you can be shitty about it. And it makes sense. I said I was going to do your show. I didn't make it. But they were all cool. No one gave me shit. And it's the comedy community.

We all are very competitive, but there's moments that we can be nice to each other. And I think we, we understand how hard it is for everyone doing this. And I think sometimes you can feel a sense of camaraderie occasionally, which feels nice. Now and then. You've always been very nice to me. I,

from, from the beginning. I'm glad you feel that way. Yeah. Yeah. And do you have a blessing? Yeah. I'm being a huge slot right now. I'm glad you feel that way. Yeah, yeah. And do you have a blessing, Ashley Gavin? Yeah, I'm being a huge slut right now

and I'm really pulling, praise God. I am sleeping with this one girl and she's just really cool. She's just like very emotionally stable, totally. I've been through a breakup. Was like, it's casual. I have a podcast that I talk about the women that I'm sleeping with. And she is just always cool to like chat, laugh,

come over, do whatever. If there's sex or sex, if there's not, there's not like, she's just so cool. And it's great to have someone like that with no emotional strings attached yeah it's gonna gotta implode at some point but right now yeah i'm so grateful for musical theater girl as she's known on my podcast i was gonna ask what's her full name but uh yeah musical first theater uh bj the dj oh my god softball well uh as as ashley pointed out even when relationships are good and well as Ashley pointed out even when relationships are good and fun eventually they all

something happens and expectations don't match and they wither and they die and ultimately when you take your final breath you are alone this is the downside.