The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #38 Church Therapy with Ashton Womack

Episode Date: September 14, 2021

Comedian Ashton Womack discusses the downsides of growing up in Houston, church therapy, having a dad who’s also a stand-up comedian (his dad), having a dad who cheated (our dads), having a dad who keeps telling you to write a one-man show called “My Wife’s Boob Job” (my dad), eating vs drinking in the shower, the concept of nostalgia, the lack of NYC bug diversity, attending a school with metal detectors at one of two entrances, and Russell comes swinging HARD for Mandy Patinkin. You can watch the full video of this episode HERE Join The Downside Patreon for early ad-free episodes the Friday before they're released on Tuesday, TWO bonus episodes a month (AUDIO & VIDEO), + the good feeling inside that you're helping keep my delusions alive. Follow ASHTON WOMACK on instagram, youtube, & twitter Watch ASHTON WOMACK's comedy here Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Fawn Sullivan, Paige Asachika, & Gianmarco Soresi Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right, all right. Okay, all right. Oh, welcome to the Downside, the live podcast recording. Yes, yes. Thank you to our special musical guest, Tim Abunasir, for picking a seven-minute song to set us up for this recording.

We really appreciate it. My name's Joe Marco Cerezi. I'm here with my co-host, Russell Daniels. Hi, it's very weird to talk into a mic that is not being amplified in the room right now. It feels like stupid. Usually you're the positive one on the show. It looks like I'll have to be that. Hi.

Thank you. We're here with our guest, a stand-up comedian who's also being at the Comedy Cellar tonight for the first time. Yes. Congrats. Please give it up for Ashton Womack, everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Ashton, this is a negative podcast.

So something, something to bring the mood down a little. Oh, yeah, man. More war in Afghanistan. All right. Next. All right. Let's hit that theme song. You said it.

Downside. Downside. Downside Downside Downside Keegan's son. Yes. And you and the rest of our sketch team came up to a night, a boys' night. A boys' night. It was labeled as a boys' night, a fun, relaxing boys' night months ago. And then in 24 hours, we've recorded two podcasts now. And I got to see you perform twice. But no, it was fun.

Lucky you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You humiliated me online today, though. So, okay, we woke up early. I had four and a half hours sleep. And, Russell, you woke up early to take a bath. You took a full bath. So I was very hungover

and I was like, I'll sweat out the toxins. Whatever that means. It's a thing. You sweat out toxins. You're sweating out everything. Why do people go to spas? People go to things to get the toxins out. It's all a scam. So I got up early to take a thing. You sweat out toxins. You're sweating out everything. Why do people go to spas? People go to things to get the toxins out. It's all a scam. It's all a scam. So I got up early to take a bath.

Actually, and it was a very big bathtub. Yeah. I will say. It woke me up. It was a, no, I mean, anyways, it was a big bath. I took a bath. I got out. I realized that we still had tons of time.

Uh-huh. And so then you thought I was done. I thought he was done with, I thought he was done with the bathroom. So I went to a shower and I brought in with me, because you know when you leave a hotel room, you're leaving this forever. This is now someone else's problem, the room. So I brought, I had a pepper with me.

I bring some veggies on these trips because casinos don't have a lot of healthy food. That's true. So I'm in the shower. Have you ever eaten in the shower? Of course, we've all eaten in the shower. No, no, I haven't eaten in the shower. I ate a pepper in the shower. Have you ever eaten in the shower? Of course. We've all eaten in the shower. No. No, I haven't eaten in the shower. I ate a pepper in the shower.

He ate a pepper in the shower, and he left the inside pumpkin-seedy part of the pepper on where you like to keep the soap. Because I thought we were done. I thought we were done. The hotel becomes a trash can when you're about to leave. A fun thing for the housekeeping to have to deal with that. It would be less concerning to find a beer can in the shower than a fucking bath. Why is that fine?

Why is the beer fine, but the food is no good? Because that's insane. What do you do when you eat? What do you do with the pepper when you're going to eat it? What do you do first to the pepper? You wash it. I'm washing myself. I'm washing the pepper.

It's a whole clean experience. Listen, honestly, I'm just happy to hear white people taking baths. So this is a... Yeah. There you go. That's right. I'm just happy to hear white people taking baths. So this is a... There you go. That's right. I'm not known for my showering at all. So this is good to break the mold. Have you done casino gigs?

No, I have not, actually. That's very sad. Have you been in a casino, like, for fun? No, actually. No, no, no, no. I've only... Do you know what a casino is? No.

I appreciate you thinking I have expendable money to bet on. Oh, yeah, no, I can lose this. Well, we were with our friend, our friend Chris gambled the most. Yes. And I just realized, like, as he's gambling, like, and I'm standing behind watching, I'm like, oh, that's the guy that I am. I'm not gamble guy. I'm the guy behind the friend being like, oh, my God. And that's just who I am as a man.

Yeah. Oh, you're the guy at the strip club, like, don't throw all the money. Yeah, that's just who I am as a man. Yeah. Oh, you're the guy at the strip club. Like, don't throw all the money. Yeah, that's right. Hold on to a dollar. We got an Uber home, Steve. I don't know. Thank you. Thank you.

This is the first podcast I've ever had with my girlfriend in the audience. Oh, yeah. I'm not even the guy at the strip club. I'm the guy. I'm not going in there. Is there a library open nearby? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, casinos, you'll do them soon.

They're so bleak. They're dystopian. You saw someone die last night. No, I don't know if he died. He could have died. But like, there's a lot. You didn't check? Well, so I swear, every time you go to a casino, if you walk, there's old people in not great shape.

And this guy was just lying on the ground. Four people over him. You know, legs splayed, shorts falling down, I know it's sad, but it's all over the casinos. This is like, it's a place where people, like in the first part you're like, just stay there and die.

We were eating at the restaurant and we were like talking about like, you know, such sad things happen at casinos, like they must see crazy things at the restaurant there. We saw a woman get arrested outside. I wonder what the craziest thing that has happened here would be. And we said it to the waitress. And she then just did a monologue for 15 minutes telling us the worst things that have happened there.

About the jail cell that's right next to the casino that they put you in holding. Someone's drained her life. There's a secret prison under the casino? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's running this casino? Rahm Emanuel? God damn. I know.

She told a story that some guy came out of a club, and this is how she said it. She said, and he thought he was a fish. And we were like, what are you? And she was like, he just started flopping on the ground, and they took him away, and we never saw him again. And a guy called her the C word and threatened her life over not enough lobster in the lobster bisque

was another thing she had to have. Reasonable life threatening. Gotta say. I've had lobster-less bisque before and it is not funny. It's just cream of wheat, motherfucker. The bleakest thing that happened though is I was trying to promote the show

on TikTok and so I'm trying to record a TikTok on the casino floor and there's a lot of people in like scooters, like, you know, whether they're disabled or they're just feeling tired that day. And as I'm trying to, there are some there that are just feeling tired. I promise. I promise.

And as I'm trying to record the TikTok, someone keeps backing up every time. And it makes a big, like a truck, like beep, beep, beep. So I couldn't get the TikTok recording and it just just felt like we were both part of a failed American dream that does sound like dystopia I'm not gonna lie do you gamble ever you ever I've never gambled actually no have I gambled uh shit when was the last time I gambled should I move I moved to New York I went to college shit I feel like yeah I feel like that was a gamble.

We gamble enough with our profession. Yeah, I know. I feel like the biggest gamble in my life was my mom not aborting me, and then she was like, that's all the gambling we're doing here. I thought this was a downside. All right. I thought we were supposed to be sad on here. Okay, so were you a first kid?

Yes. First kid. And how many siblings do you have? Okay, I was a first kid. Okay, now I got to break kid? Yes. First kid. And how many siblings do you have? Okay, I was the first kid. Okay, now I got to break it down for black family politics. I was the first kid on my mom's side. Okay. I was not the first kid on my dad's side.

Listen, I'm from a divorce, so we can relate on this. It's from different spectrums. I was the second kid, but only by three months. So my dad had a kid, and then he had me with another woman. I see. So I was almost the first kid. If my dad would have cheated on my mom first, I would have been the only one. Wait, so the person he had the baby with, he was cheating with that person?

No, okay. I don't know, honestly. Who is he not supposed to be fucking? You think he's told any of us the truth uh i feel like you're your mom your mom must have told you my mom what happened was there was a naval base or not a naval base i think it's a naval base in chicago and that's where my dad and mom met in chicago and that's where my dad my brother's mom met in chicago as well so he probably was just juggling them both at the same time.

Got it. Got it. So there's no, there's no chicken and the egg situation here. It's, which came first, probably my dad. But,

are you and your brother friends? Are you close? Oh yeah. I love my brother. We're close. It's, I love my brother. We're,

we're very close. We know nothing about each other. That's why you're so close. Yeah, I know. I found out he was autistic like two months ago. And I was like, what? This whole time, we were taking him classes and all kinds of stuff. I was like, y'all didn't tell me?

I was like roasting him the whole time. Oh, no. I was just making fun of him my whole childhood. I was like, yo, something's wrong with you. So growing up, how did it work? Just making fun of him my whole childhood. I was like, yo, something's wrong with you. I'd just be like. So growing up, did you, how did it work? Were your parents together in the same house? How were you seeing him?

Like, what was the situation? I didn't meet my dad until I was like 13 or 14. Wow. Yeah, I met my dad. I mean, I met him when I was like 13 or 14. And then that's when I met my brother. My dad had like this whole spiritual. He's like, I got to have all my kids together.

And then he got us all together, and we were just all poor. And I was like, damn, we were better off separated. Was he with your brother during that time, or was he just off? He was just off. He was just off. Papa was a rolling stone. He did, I will say, he did marry my brother's mom. Give me a second. Give me a second.

He married? Got it. Okay. No, I do mom. Give me a second. He married? Got it. Okay. No, I do. I just need a second. I need to teach a calculus class for broken families. All right. This is a...

No, yeah. He married my brother, my older brother. His parents, his mom, they were married in Chicago, stayed together for a few years, and then my dad was like, fuck fucked that, and then he left. Got it. Went out for milk, as they do, and never come back. And when you're 13, how does he, does he show up at school? Yeah, he showed up.

Well, what happened was, it was so sad. Like, he was supposed to come when I was 12, and I had all my bags back. It was kind of funny. Oh, fuck. It was literally one of those, and my mom, she's just like, I can't tell him. She was like, he's waiting. He's just, oh, I cannot tell him. I remember hearing her.

You thought you were doing what? I thought I was going to Memphis. I was in Houston. You were packed, ready to go. I was so excited. Had you ever talked to him even? Or you just were like, I'm going to see my dad. Yeah, I never talked to him.

My mom was just like, your dad's coming this summer to pick you up. And she was like, he'll be here on the 13th. And I had all my bags packed and all that shit. And then he never came. And I was like, he'll be here on the 13th. And I had all my bags packed and all that shit. And then he never came. And I was like, fuck this. Nick! But yeah, that happened when I was 12.

And my mom guilted him. And he finally came down when I was 13. He's a stand-up comic. Wait, are you serious? Yeah. Like known? Do I know him? No, not at all.

He is not a known stand-up comedian. Is he good? He is good. My dad is really good to the point where my family, they see me. I do well for comedy, and they're like, you're doing good. You're so funny. Your dad funnier, though. I'm like, oh. If he was so funny, why he asking me for money, huh?

Whoa, God. Who's the funniest now? Is that his main gig right now? He's headlining on the road? Well, he's like a local Memphis comic. He's old. He's tapped out. He's like, my back hurt. He does road gigs, but he's mostly in Memphis working a regular job. He's a local comic. Back in the day when I was younger, he was actually working. He was on Comic View. He started off at Little Rail, literally in the circle. Like,

that's how I met a lot of people in the comedy. A lot of the black comedy circle I met because of my dad. He put me on stage when I was 16. It was awesome. It was awesome. That's what I was saying. When he came down, I met him. We were in an Escalade. And he was like, so what do you want to be when you grow up? And I was like, I want to be a stand-up

comic. And he fucking lost his shit because he was like, you know i'm a stand-up comic and i was like no i don't know nothing about you i don't know what i don't know nothing about what's that's rant that was the first time my mind was blown as a kid i was like whoa i'm supposed to okay that makes it that's uh but yeah that's how i met him so you still you still like talk frequently? Talk all the time. So it's good. Things are good. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Me and my dad, fucking, I love my dad. I'm an easy person to like, I just, I be forgiving people. I don't hold grudges.

Not that I don't hold grudges. I just be tired. I'm like, I don't know. I get that. I don't feel like being mad right now. Would you have him open for you? Would you do like a father-son gig if you were in Memphis?

I would. I would totally. That'd be so cool. I would absolutely. And then bury his ass. Yeah, old man. You gotta. Yeah, old man.

You gotta. Give it up for my opener. I think I'm gonna fire him after this. I don't know. Would you want to do like sketch comedy with your dad? No. No.

No. No, no, no, no. My dad is, doesn't, I don't think he likes comedy. I don't think he likes, he does not like, like being embarrassed. Like he doesn't like, he doesn't like looking stupid or like, like, you know. So I think he would be awful at that. My dad pitches me.

Those are the funniest people though. No, he's not. I wouldn't put it in the category of funny. I think he's very sweet, very sweet man, but not funny. Yeah. My dad, I wish he did. I wish he had an artistic outlook because he calls me and pitches ideas pretty intensely. And he's like, I'll give you money to produce it.

Do you have a pitch? A standard pitch. The one that he has brought up again and again, and I'm pretty sure that this is bad and sad. I'm pretty sure every woman my dad has dated, he has maybe encouraged them to augment their chest and has paid for it. And so he's like, you got to do a show called My Wife's Boob Job. And it's about like asking your wife to get a boob job and paying for the boob job. And I'm like,

this is not in my brand at all. This would be a crazy shift for me. What's the turn? Like, what's the thing? It's more, I mean, it's the level of thinking. Is it like a real reality show he's pitching?

No, that's not reality. It's like a one-man show and then I would talk about it. Maybe I'd play him. Okay. But he brings it I'd play him. Okay. But he brings it up all the time. Okay, but how many boob jobs? How many real? How many really do you think?

That he's paid for? Yeah. I feel like the most recent one came with one, but I think probably three. He's paid for three. Yeah, that I know of. I'm sure there's more. So six. Yeah, yeah. Three's paid for three. Yeah, that I know of. I'm sure there's more. So six. Yeah, yeah, that's the rule.

That's the rule. Whenever guys tell you how many boobs jobs they paid for, multiply it by two. That's the real number. Is your dad still in the dating game? Is he still out here? He's dating someone just a little younger than me. Oh, damn.

At the moment. Listen, listen. Whatever makes these two people happy whatever whatever the relationship is that's fantastic when your parents get older and they get older and like your medical things you're just like i want someone there yes so when you fall on the floor they can help you up and if if as long as they're 18 whatever pay for everything that is fair except for me and my mom i don't ever want to see her with another man in our house. I'm like, I'm the man.

You don't need no mother love. It's me. Who is this guy? Well, so you have a younger sister. Is this on your mom's or dad's? Oh, my mom's. My mom.

Okay, so did she remarry, date? Oh, no. She dated. She got another boyfriend and then they broke up but then she had another kid. But yeah,

she didn't remarry. My mom's never been married i i don't know a single married person to be honest uh oh yeah no one in my family is married we're all just like probably killing it up to be honest no is your mom did she date when you were a kid though do you remember that oh yeah my mom yeah my mom was out here would she separate it from you or would she just like first date like, this is my son? No, no, no. Your son now. Yeah, she would. No, I've met her boy. I would meet her boyfriends.

I would hate all of them. Right out the gate. Not a single one you dug. I did not. There's not a single person in my mom's life that I want her to be happy just alone. Can you do that by yourself? See, my dad, when he brought a new girlfriend, I'm sure my dad did it. Like, she would give me a bag full of toys.

And it was like, I was young and impressionable, and I loved them immediately. But then when they left, it was more painful. It might be better to hate them from the get. Damn, you're like, you broke up, but they brought so good toys. Why would you leave her? Yeah. That's odd. I do it on stage, but the real story was like, you broke but they brought so good toys why why would you leave her yeah that's uh i i do it on stage but the real story was like it was like someone broke up with my dad i was very young and she came over she like then had to have a breakup with me we like sat in

the car and she was like she said i got a promotion at work and i'm gonna be really busy i don't think i'm gonna be around as much and i said and i said and i said i I was like, will you still come over sometime so we can play Monopoly? And she was like, yeah. And I never saw her again. And after like 10 of those, after 10 of those women came in and out of my life, then my dad's new girlfriends, I was cunt to. I was just so horrible to.

Because I was just like, you'll be gone soon. I wasn't going to get close. They all leave. They never come back with Monopoly or a play. And one of the reasons I was so happy to have you, I was just in where you grew up. I was in Houston for the first time ever. It was a

very different comedy scene experience. I told you about it but I was in a green room at the Secret Group which is a big comedy club there. Got the shirt on right now. Is that, oh yeah? Yeah, Secret Group. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And these, a lot of masculine energy. A lot of people throwing around the F word. Yeah. I felt like I was in a room with three Russells. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I haven't wanted to say that for days. And there was a fight that broke out because someone came off stage. He blew't wanted to say that for days. And there was a fight that broke out because someone came off stage. He blew the light. There was another guy. He called him the F word and took his hat.

And then I saw this guy. First, I didn't know if they were friends, if they were like roughhousing, like joking. But very quickly, you're like, oh, he picked him up. This big guy picked him up, slammed him against the wall, hit another woman by falling in a tiny green room. Yeah. Pot being smoked.

How did it end? I saw someone do. And then I went to a secret bar. I went to a secret bar where I saw a guy snort something off his hand, and there was a scorpion. And I was like, this is different. That was our governor. That was our governor, Greg Abbott, you saw. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Greg Abbott. Yeah, no, Houston's a fighting assass scene how do I know because I fought a lot really fought a lot of people in Houston for no reason it's just it's fucking that's it Houston is that it's cocaine drinking fighting and kind of good comedy it's like god damn these people you it's something about it there's like pure grit in the in the air the water it's very i'm sure there were no women around uh there were there were women there there were some women there but like it was it was this mess it was this kind of masculinity that

i'm not a i'm not a part of it is so i just sit there i'm like please don't hit me i yeah i was in like three fights in houston and i moved to New York, and I never got into a fight again. And I was like, oh, it was that place. But were you starting the fight? Tell me the worst fight. What's the big one? I'm sure this sounds real. I never started the fights.

It was never me. No, literally, it was a lot of drinking. A lot of like the first fight I got into was this guy. I'm going to say his name, Matt. No, I'm not. He was a lot of drinking, a lot of like the first fight I got into was this guy. I'm going to say his name, Matt. No, I'm not. He was a comic in Houston. He would get drunk, and he just was bitter about where he was, and he just saw new comics coming in, and he saw them getting booked more,

getting booked at the clubs, and he was just kind of bitter and got drunk one day, and he just goes, oh, you think blah, blah, blah is funnier than me? Well, I'll fuck up your family. Just like out of nowhere. And I was just like, oh, bro, you can't. Now I got to kill you. Oh, my God. Now I got to kill you and your family for threatening me.

Was this in the same green room? This was at, not before Secret Group had same green room? This was at, before Secret Group had a green room, this was just in the Secret Group parking lot. They put on shows in a parking lot before they had a building. So this was just outside in a parking lot, him just getting drunk,

trying to, it's just, Houston is violent. Can I be honest? You can. I love it. Really? I hope? You can. I love it. Really? I hope it never changes.

I hope every time you go down there, you feel unsafe. I don't ever want it to change. It's what builds you. And you were born there? I was born in Galveston, but I lived most of my life in Houston, for sure. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. It's just Texas in general.

Well, I went to Austin after, and Austin was surprisingly, it was artsy. in Houston for sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's just Texas in general. Well, I went to Austin after and Austin was surprisingly, it was artsy, it was, there were taco plates. It felt very New York-y except for that it was even hotter

than it was here. And there were no black people because Austin. Well, thank you for saying that part. Something was nice about it. Something was really, something was so great

about the Austin scene. I can't remember what. I couldn't put my finger on it. Oh, God. Yeah, no, Austin is awesome. I like going to Austin. It's just fun. It's like, it feels more like,

I definitely think it has like a New York, it definitely, well, it's because it's drinking, it's like music, it's... It was just so artsy. It's more liberal. I went to one, I went to one, the Broken Spoke. It's like music it's it was just so artsy it's more liberal i went to one i went to one um the broken spoke it's like a dance hall and it was like these older people in these texas get-ups and these cowboy hats dancing and they're very they're it was interesting because they're they

were still like texas guys they're like men i'm sure and what i'm saying is like i'm sure they're homophobic i'm just gonna guess but they're wearing wearing these purple leopard vests, and they're having fun. And I thought if you just lifted a wall and there was a gay club on this side and it merged, no one would know the difference. Everyone would get along. And it's just this thing of seeing super masculine men look kind of pretty and just dance around. I felt like, oh, this is the same. No, that's the thing about Texas.

Men dancing is already a gay club to them. They're like, oh, y'all are in there dancing, same. No, that's the thing about Texas. Men dancing is already a gay club to them. They're like, oh, y'all are in there dancing, and hell no, that's the gay club. Like, you know, dancing and showing emotion in Texas, it ain't happening. So if you saw men dancing and having a good time, you were at the gay club, buddy. What do you miss about Houston now that you,

when did you move to New York, how long ago? Four years ago. Four years ago. What do you miss, or are you good here? I mean move to New York? How long ago? Four years ago. Four years ago. What do you miss? Are you good here? I mean, I miss my mommy. You're very close to your mom. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I guess.

You call her every day? I be trying not to. I be like, don't... She wants me to. But, yeah, I do call her most days. How often do you call your mom? Often, I'd say two to four times a week. Yeah, I would say that's closer to me than... She definitely I'd say two to four times a week I would say that's closer to me than

she definitely tries calling me two to three times a week they're quick like little things your mom calls you? she's very understanding that if I don't get back right away but you get back yeah I get back they're not too long my dad is long but do you do less frequent

but long? yeah my dad is just like my dad, it's just like, my dad sometimes will go a month without talking to each other, and I look up, there's this New York Times article about being estranged from your parents, and I'm like, I guess this is me now. I really like, there's times I'm like, I think my dad and I are about,

and then he'll call, and he'll talk about. That's happening to me. I don't call my dad, I call my mom like two to four times a week. I call my dad like once a month, and the catch-ups are fucked up. Because I'll be like, how's your month been? He's like, oh, nothing. Just had two heart attacks. Got out of the hospital.

I was like, what the fuck? Why didn't you tell me? I'm good. I'm good. I was like, what? You've been in the hospital this whole time? Yeah, dog. And I'm like, so yeah, that's why I'm like, fuck, I got to start calling.

Is he dating someone uh no do you know what i mean where with the medical stuff you want you just want them to have a part my well i got a call from this it's 31 year old my dad's dating and she called or she texts me call me right away and i'm like well my dad's dead and she's going to tell me she's going to tell me she's going to tell me no that's going to tell me. She's going to tell me. No, that's what don't do. And it was just like kidney stone. It's her and my, it's both of them. If you text, they know I'm an anxious person.

Text what the thing is. My dad was dating a younger person and he died. And I'd be like, so you single now? I heard you have a type. I'm directly like. Who knows? No, I'm fucking around. No, my dad actually did date a younger girl and then had a kid by her.

And now I have an eight year old sister by someone who's my age. And I'm just like, tell your mom I said fuck her. OK, do you know the eight year old? Are you friends? Yeah, yeah. I love my little sister. Is there kind of an obligation where like your dad has sex, has a baby? You're like, well, fuck, I have to be close to this person now.

Do you feel a responsibility? Like, I am their brother. I have to be good to them. I do. I do. That's good. I want her to, like, you know, you have a little sister. You're like, alright, you get to have the fun life, alright? We had to go through the fucked up shit, but now that you're an adult,

now that me and my brother have autonomy, it's like, okay, you have a circle of people who are going to make sure you don't fucking want for anything. Or try to, you know, like when she needs school stuff, flights to like a little field trip in D.C. or some shit like that. We take care of her. So, yeah, I definitely. Let's not get too positive. So you have a lisp.

I do. And your manager has a lisp. I do. And your manager has a lisp too. I think that we signed in a lisp contract. We lisp in each other's hand and then... What causes a lisp? I don't know. You never saw a speech pathologist or anything? Oh, is that what they're called?

I was going to say lip surgeon. Well, it's actually a speech pathologist or anything? Oh, is that what they're called? I was going to say lip surgeon. Was actually a speech pathologist, but I just want to make it easier for you. No, I never saw that person you said. No, I just saw a bunch of black kids who let me know. That's who diagnosed me. That's who diagnosed me. That's great, the diagnosis. You got a lisp.

What's that? It's on my face. That's what diagnosis. That's great, the diagnosis. You got a lisp. What's that? It's on my face. That's what it is. When did you know, like how old were you when you knew like you had one? Like 11. Like my little cousins were annihilating me. They like, look how he talk. Yeah, yeah.

They were coming. Come in the room. Come in the room. Come in the room. Say something. Exactly. Say something. No, say that.

Say something. Say something. Say something. Exactly. Say that. Say something. Say something. Say something.

But now, do you feel like it's like a part of, especially comedically, like you already have the jokes for it. You can't get rid of it now. Yeah, I'm like, fuck. That'd be funny. You come off stage, you're like, seashells, seashells by the seashore. But on stage, it's thief, felon, thief. I'm actually a trained actor, and this was a whole bit that i've been doing i this lisp i've been yes i'm a fraud no uh no that'd be funny i wonder if there are

comics faking diseases just for the bits there's comics definitely there's comics definitely boosting up the accent i go that's the accent got a little bit stronger when you got on stage there yeah that's well you have that one guy you tell the story about who faked he didn't have an arm what we told it on the story it was a guy I brought him up and he made me bring him up older comic with like one arm hidden and he said alright can you bring me on as a fake name and they said whatever you do don't say give him a hand and I was like oh my god I know what your first joke is

and then and then nightmare and then he told all these these jokes crushing by the way

because the audience thinks it's real thinks it's real yeah and then really he runs off stage because he's so nervous

he made me bring him up he's like he's the janitor here and we love him this is his first time on stage oh I hate that and then he runs off stage and I he's like he's the janitor here and we love him this is his first time on stage and then he runs off stage and i have to like you know be there and then go back on stage can you pay 20 for this three-hour gig by the way and i run back on stage like oh that was weird uh now give it up for a ba ba ba and he comes back and he's like it's me again

reveals his arm and the audience applause break. You know, at the miracle they just witnessed. That's the problem with hacky comics. You're like, it crushed them. It murdered. How did it work? Do they not see

an obvious man with a army? He's wearing a baggy shirt. This wasn't a well-dressed gentleman. That's like, what is it, an audience full of babies? He's like,

he's still got our nose. How does he, what the fuck? How do you not know this is? What the fuck? That's great. God, why do I try so hard on my comedy? That just is so upsetting.

All right. You can't have one arm and a lisp. That's too many things. Then they just pity you. They're like, Jesus, this guy. Oh, wow. Oh, you're a black queer Muslim? Well, I got one arm and a lisp.

So, trump card. Now, you have talked, you have this podcast now. No, I don't. But you've been on it. Oh, yes. With Roy Wood Jr. And you were talking about therapy. We talk about therapy a lot.

And you're very pro-therapy. I am. When did you start? I've never been. Sure. You're just one of those guys like, I should go. So many guys. So many guys in the world. I should go. So many guys. So many guys in the world.

I should go. I should go. Yeah, I really should go. And you're like, what collapse of your life has to occur for you to pick up the phone? It's a very funny story because I got hired at The Daily Show on a piece about mental health and the importance of therapy because I had like a whole mental health episode. And I got sensitive. I had dealt with, I got sensitive therapy, but it was like church therapy. And it was just like the worst shit in the world.

Like it was like, I went to my pastor and he was like, what's going on? And I was like crying. I was like, I'm unfocused. I have ADHD. I feel like ever since I graduated, I can't do anything. I don't know where to focus my energy. And he was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You just said you graduated?

It was like, yeah, yeah. I graduated. And he was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You just said you graduated? I was like, yeah, yeah, I graduated. And he was like, brother, brother, I haven't graduated. And I'm here talking to you. You good. I was like, what? I don't have no kind of credentials. I'm here. And I was like, what do I do?

He was like, bro, you good. So I didn't get any help. So you just went once and they were like, what do I do? He was like, bro, you good. So, like, I didn't get any help. So you just went once and they were like, you're fine, go away. That's exactly what happened. He was like, a degree? Stamp of approval. Yeah, that's exactly. I got pushed away.

And so I had to, like, really, I personally just, like, had to, like, deal with, build the tools to help my mental health, which I'm assuming is what you, I'm not assuming, I know what you get in therapy. I just have never personally actually been, but I understand the benefits. Oh, really? You've never been? Never. Yeah, never been, which is funny because I go on these panels and I talk about, I have no, I've researched, I've talked to so many therapists, mental health experts. I've been so ingratiated in the world of therapy. I just have actually, experts i've been so ingratiated in the world of therapy i just have actually i'm a fraud i've uh that's so funny i really assumed that you were like intense it's so funny because i i've been like on cnn doing like these national black journalists and they're like so how has therapy

changed you and i was like oh i it hasn't uh i've never been and they're like what the fuck yeah no i just i just saw a thing. I deep dived. I researched and just talked to a bunch of people. I've been really ingratiated in the world of mental health. And, like, literally, it's, I probably should go. See, there you go. I should go.

I should go. I probably should go. But I feel so good. Wait, wait, wait. My well-being is great. But, no, I should go. I should go. I probably should go, but I feel so good. I'm like, wait, wait, wait, my well-being is great. But no, I should go. You meditate, though? All the time. Well, yes.

Not in the past, like, two weeks, because I've been going hard. But for the most part, a lot, very often. How long? How long? Yeah, during, when you do a session. I'll do, if it, like, throughout the Monday through Friday, I'll probably meditate a good 30 minutes in the morning time. When I wake up, I try to get my...

30 minutes. Did you ever go through a meditation phase? I've never tried to do it. I used to do it. I feel like you would not be very good at it. What does it mean to not be good? Like I'm checking my phone? I think a lot of thoughts would come in.

Yeah, a lot of thoughts do come in. That's why you do it. Then you let them pass. Okay. It's like a cloud passing. Do you listen to one of the apps that tells you, like, inhale, exhale. And they cost $100 a year. No.

I would love that. I would love it if DMX narrated it. That's what I would do. I mean, unless you recorded it already. I don't know if you've heard the news. Have you heard that new post-hominess album? Did I even say that word right? Post.

Post. Post. How do you say that? Post posthumous. All right. I said post-hominess. All right. Listen, I'm not that smart.

That's not true. You write for The Daily Show. People. Right? You write for The Daily Show. The dumbest writer. That's great for The Daily Show. They have Harvard graduates.

Do you feel dumb in that space? Yes. Obvious. I'm in a room with a bunch of fucking Yale, Harvard graduates, and I'm like a student of George Bush's No Child Left Behind program. So I should not be in this room. Are you actually? Yeah, probably.

What was that program? I never really understood what it was. I don't either. It means you can't fail. It means no matter what, the teacher has to change your grade. So it's honestly leverage for the student. You're like, George Bush got my back, dog. You can't fail me.

George Bush is my guy. Yeah, basically what happens is you go to summer school, and even if you fail summer school, you get promoted to the next grade. It's literally something like that. No child left behind. That's how it tangibly worked out. It was supposed to be like, we've got to make sure these kids get second chances, da-da-da, all that bullshit.

But really what happens is you're in the 10th grade, and you don't know how to color in the lines yet. And you're basically dumb. You're dumb. I went to college. I was just in all, my first year in college, I was just in all remedial classes.

I was just in- Where'd you go? U of H. Okay. Oh, yeah. I went to U of H. You got some cougars. Go cougars.

We do. We have two cougars. I went to grad school, UH. Three if you count. Oh, I didn't know. I went to UH. You went to the same campus.

You also went to U of H? Yeah, grad school. Oh, I didn't know. It was UH. You went to the same campus. You also went to UH? Yeah, grad school. Oh, shit. 2010 to 12. Oh, fuck it. No, 8 to 10. 8 to 10. 2000?

Yeah. Oh, man. That's when I was there. I was 2008 to 2012. What did you go for? I went for media production. Basically, film director. What if you guys found out that you were in a fight?

That's what you thought. You're like, oh my God, we were fighting. We were one of the three fights. I was in the theater department. Ah, no. Did you see that? He never stepped foot in the theater department. He walked a mile around the fucking theater.

We have a theater department? Oh, yeah. What was your major? My major was film and television and i minored in health in uh so basically it was like media and health like i used to work i used to do brand strategy for the department of health in houston when i was like well you see you're like in remedial film classes like how to turn the camera on yeah yeah no uh basically uh i was i was in remedial math classes.

I was in like remedial, just remedial math. I was really bad at math. Did they call it remedial? Did they just say like, you're close? They called, instead of like, you know how it was like 101? That's where it, you were just in one. Oh my God. Zero.

You're a hundred away from the first class. Did y'all not have remedial classes? They didn't label it like that, but yes, I think we did. What did they label it when y'all were? I think they just took away the kids. So I don't know where they went. But they went to a different room, I think. I don't think it was good.

That was good either. But I don't know what happened. I spent a lot of my time in school and ISS. That's where I spent. I don't think it was good. That was good either. But I don't know what happened. I spent a lot of my time in, like, school and ISS. Like, that's where I spent. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was, like, I was one of those kids, like, I had, where I was, like, diagnosed with, like, ADHD, so they wanted to, like, give me Rillin, so they put me,

my mom didn't want to give me Rillin, so they put me in, like, whenever they wanted to put kids they didn't want to deal with, they would put them in ISS. Not ISS immediately. They put them in, like, classes. They put them in lower than AP classes. AP, regular, and then there was the kids that I had to hang out with. And it was just a bunch of fights.

It was like a school-to-prison pipeline. But luckily, thanks God for that school to prison pipeline because you know how many school shootings I avoided? I'm like, oh, thank God I'm in this jail cell in school. Tyler's not going to get me. All right, no.

My SS for them stood for in-school shooting. That's, okay, all right. No more school. I'm not allowed to do the dark jokes. Was there a school, no please, was there a school shooting in New York? There was definitely school shootings at my school. But the thing is when black kids do it, it's not called a school shooting, it's just called a shooting.

Is it more targeted? Yeah, it was like, it wasn't everybody was getting got. It was like a gang from a rival neighborhood. And Central, oh, in Memphis,phis i remember there's a high school in memphis tennessee it's called central high school i remember is we have a big like kind of a large stoop you have to go up to go to the classroom and kids just sit on there and one day some guy some rival gang saw his the guy he doesn't like and just sprayed the whole uh thing where everybody was sitting and everybody ran off. No

news at all on it. Just happened and then we were like, are we going to close down school? And he's like, no, y'all gotta no, we're just going to add metal detectors which was fucked up because they added metal detectors only to one door so all the people with guns would just go to the other door.

It's like, well, those are the murderers. It was like VIP entrance. Oh, my God. The metal detector, that definitely doesn't seem, but I don't know what the solution is to be fair. We couldn't afford metal detectors, so they did the mesh backpacks. That's all that they did.

What do you mean mesh backpacks? But we didn't have shooting. We had a lot of bomb threats, but no shootings. What do you mean mesh backpacks, though? They were mesh. They were made out of mesh, so you could see into them. So you all had to get the same backpack? Everyone had to buy the same backpack. Everyone had to get

mesh backpacks so they could see in. What did it look like? It looked like the fishnet stockings? You know mesh shorts? Oh yes. But even more see-through. Yes. I've never seen a backpack, a mesh backpack. Like what you'd carry like soccer balls in. Yes.

Yes. Yes. The backpack. Oh my God. I would rather get shot. Rather get, I don't want to wear this whack ass shit. Shoot me, motherfucker. Were you at school the day that that thing happened?

Yeah, I was at school, but luckily I wasn't cool. So I was like in the classroom playing chess or some shit. Do you remember like, do you remember like an alert? Like were they like high? I remember i don't actually what happened was i remember being at school i left and i heard about it from like that night because it happened like after school so like it was like 4 p.m when everybody was like leaving out and i whenever school ended i ran home i did not want to be nowhere near that building and uh luckily it turns out that day everybody else ran home too.

Because the motherfuckers were getting shot. How many people died? I think people just got shot. Nobody died. That's good. It's kind of a happy ending to that. But I did see, I will say, I will say, at that same school I saw a kid get stabbed in my English class

and he took it the most gangster way I've ever seen someone get stabbed. I mean, I've only seen one person get stabbed. It was him. It was Freddie. What grade were we talking? 10th grade. 10th grade.

It was 10th grade English class. Freddie was, like, getting in an argument with this kid, and then this kid just shanked him in the stomach, and Freddie's, like, a bigger guy, so he, like, took it. So it didn't, like, because he was, like, larger, it was a stab, but he had, like, a little protection, and he just, like, slowly walked out, and he was like, I'll a stab but he had like a little protection and he just like slowly walked out and he was like i'll see you next period nigga what the fuck what the fuck and i literally freddie he just went to the nurse's office i didn't see him the rest of that

day but i'll never forget that moment wow i hope I hope he was okay. Yeah, Freddie's fine. I mean, I'm sure the rest of his life didn't turn out great, but I'm sure he's fine that day. Anybody who takes a stabbing at that. He turned it around after that. He went home and he said, you know what? This has got to stop. Oh, yeah.

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And this all sounds very scary. You should go to therapy. This is all very traumatic. Were you scared at school? Did you ever have a gun? No, I never had a gun. This all sounds very scary. You should go to therapy. This is all very traumatic. Were you scared at school? Did you ever have a gun? No, I never had a gun. I was a fucking nerd.

I was a nerd. I was fucking... Nerds are the ones who need it the most, I would say. No, trust me. I wasn't... Yeah, I was scared. I was depressed. That's what I mostly was. I definitely remember...

I'm depressed hearing it. Yeah, I was... This is the downside, guys. No, yeah, I wasn't, I think the depression outweighed the scariness because like, it wasn't just like, I couldn't make friends. I was like a Yu-Gi-Oh Beyblade

playing as well. Yu-Gi-Oh? If I was in Houston, not me, if you were with me, we could have played Yu-Gi-Oh. I did a Yu-Gi-Oh competition once. Did you ever do it, we could have played Yu-Gi-Oh. I did a Yu-Gi-Oh competition once. Did you ever do it? Oh, of course I did. Of course.

What? Do you know what Yu-Gi-Oh is? I don't know any of this. It was like an anime. It was a manga first. And it's a card. It's a card game. Like Magic the Gathering.

Okay, okay. But it's... But Pokemon. Yeah. But like, yeah, Pokemon. That's a children's game. Yu-Gi-Oh is for adults. All right?

Yu-Gi-Oh. Thank you. What you're. That's a children's game. Yu-Gi-Oh! is for adults. All right, Yu-Gi-Oh! Thank you. What you're talking about is a child's game, man. What we're talking about is an eloquent system. All right, no. Was that your number one Yu-Gi-Oh! Were you a Dragon Ball kid? I was everything.

I was like, right now there's this whole research. It's like, we're black nerds. We're proud to be black nerds. Half the reason why I was depressed was like, I can't be myself. I got to hide who I truly am. Well, let me ask, what ask what is i think it's so interesting because i i grew up with anime because of toonami but within the black community their anime is like dragon ball is so popular like why was it on a channel that just like like why do you think that connection was made it was simply

the most accessible one that people could, felt comfortable to talk about with. It was like, first off, Dragon Ball Z is like so bro-y and doody that like, you can't, no matter who you are, it just spoke, it speaks to everybody. But it was the most accessible anime. It was the most like, it just was available. And like, people wouldn't mind talking about Dragon Ball Z. You could talk about that. But if you were like, yeah, man, did you see Naruto last night? He's like, no, motherfucker.

You nerd-ass motherfucker. What the fuck? Naruto. It's pretty judgmental if you like Dragon Ball Z to judge Naruto. Yeah, like, what am I, like a nerd? That's like in Pokemon. You're like Digimon, you loser. I know.

I know. And I love Digimon. Digimon was really good. It didn't last very long. Digital monsters. Digimon are the champions. You know that song, Tim? Tim, hit us with Digimon theme song

no I'm just kidding no yeah Digimon was my one I remember I hated Pokemon because my name is Ashton and I remember the first time

god damn I swear to god I was an AP student I know I've told y'all all about the downside but I was a good kid I wasn't fucked up you didn't say you were

an AP student you just told us you were remedial I was in remedial classes for some and i was also in ap classes for others okay what were you good at i was good at english i was good at like science that's it uh that's that's still impressive dude that's those were the two and then everything else was like all right you regular but uh yeah no uh i uh damn it. I forgot. You said Ash. You were made fun of. Because I'm about to tell you another fight story.

But when I was in, the first time I ever got in trouble, trouble, trouble, it was when I was in the second grade, waiting on my mom to pick me up, and some kid kept calling me Ash. And I was like, I'm not Ash Ketchum. My name is Ashton. And he's like, whatever, Ash. And I just swung around, and I swung and hit him. And the kid behind me was like, it wasn't even me. It was him.

I was like, fuck. You hit the wrong kid. Yeah, I hit the wrong kid. And by the way, Ash, that's not like he's the lead of the show. He's the hero. That's not the worst insult in the world. I was a Digimon fan. It's called gang warfare, all right?

I don't fuck with that turf. Wrong turf, bro. You don't go around calling the blood a crip, all right? Don't call me Ash Ketchum, all right? I'm a Digi- turf. Wrong turf, bro. You don't go around calling the blood a crip, all right? Don't call me ass ketchup, all right? I'm a digi-destined in this household. And so just do you feel like as, you know, your career is going well, just like going back to Houston, supporting Houston, like do you love this place?

Or would you want to move your mom out of there, leave Houston behind forever? No, I love Houston. I want to go back to Houston. I love Houston. You want to live there? Yes. You want to be headlining, but your home base is Houston?

Oh, no. When you say it like that, oh, you added comedy and road work. I don't want to be a road comic in Houston. Hell no. That sounds awful. You're just like your dad. I know.

I know. That's all right. This podcast is awful. You're just like your dad. I know. I know. No, that's all right. This podcast is over. You're just like your dad. No, I couldn't imagine raising or being here longer than the next three years. It's this New York. Okay, so let's talk downsides of New York. Russell loves New York.

I'm ready to talk shit about New York all day long. Tell me the downsides of New York City. What? Go for it. Where are the insects that aren't like the regular insects? Not like gnats and fucking flies and shit. You know the only time I've ever seen a bee here was next to a trash can? I'm sorry, wait.

No, I like this because you hear the same ones over and over again. I like that. That New York doesn't have enough bees? No, I think that's an interesting thing. What insects do you want? I wish when you said no insects, I'm like, what are you talking about? There's too many insects. I want them all gone.

No, no, no. Compared to Texas, there's barely any. Yeah. I mean, they're all kind of small flies. So he's saying he misses them. What do you miss? A scorpion? You want a scorpion in the subway?

At least a scorpion would. Have a personality. Yeah. All the animals and insects in New York are the grossest things that could live here. It's like whatever can survive on trash, that's what survives here. And there's not enough of a variety. Including the people in New York City. Roaches, flies, bees.

That's my point. Rats and pigeons. So what do you want? I want, I don't know. If you get one bug, you want fireflies, I can take. I like a nice firefly.

Dragonflies, some fish, a pond, some greenery, nature, not all kinds of just hot ass asphalt everywhere. It's like,

this sucks. That's what I miss. I miss nature. There was in Austin, I went paddle boarding, I guess, and I saw a turtle. You see turtles, and that's nice. For a second. Coyotes. I've seen enough turtles for the next five years.

There's definitely turtles in Central Park. There's turtles in Central Park. Maybe you just need to go to Central Park for them. I go to Central Park. I go to parks. I'm going to a park after this. I put parks in my for one i'd be like come on baby dragonfly give me them trees motherfucker i put i need nature like i really

need nature that's why i was like this is gonna be fun this is i'm gonna have my time here and then i'm going to be a hermit in texas somewhere that's what i want and get into the occult and uh great that's exciting well Well, on that, let's move on to our next segment. This Has Gotta Stop. Tim! This Has Gotta Stop. This Has Gotta Stop.

This is where we talk about things in the world that need to go away, they need to fade out. Did you have one? Did you bring one with you? I mean, I know plenty of things that need to go away. They need to fade out. Did you have one? Did you bring one with you? I mean, I know plenty of things that need to stop. Stop world hunger.

No. Fucking nostalgia. That's what I want. That's what I want to stop. I want nostalgia to stop. Okay, where does this bother you? Literally, we are degrading as a society as like there's nothing.

Everything is just a reiteration of there's nothing everything is just a a reiteration of something else everything is just derivative derivative derivative

derivative Bennifer is back and I'm like nigga I there's no part of you that goes there's goes

oh wow love maybe love returns and it's it's beautiful it's a nice thing I'm like oh fuck they're gonna make a G a G Lee

number two or whatever the fuck. Did you see Gigli number one? I did not. I remember it so funny because I was in the theater and I saw the trailer for Gigli. And I swear I thought to myself, that looks really good. And then it came out and it was known as the worst movie of all time. And I was so embarrassed. Yeah, no.

That's my, I'm like, fuck, bro. I want to see. Everyone's so creative. When you look at Gin, you see all these individualistic, I'm like, fuck, bro. Let's, I want to see where, like, everyone's so creative. Like, when you look at, you see all these, like, individualistic, all these colors, all the people are doing with their hair and all, and just how they're expressing themselves. Everyone expresses themselves so unique and creatively, yet our culture is just this fucking secular cycle of, like. Because we don't have a lot of time anymore. So you got to go, like, okay, I'm going to watch a new TV show. Oh, I like Saved by the Bell.

I can trust that I'm going to get a little bit of dopamine because I'm going to see the people again. And it's kind of like the thing I already know. We're literally a decade away from being nostalgic about nostalgia. Like literally, like, damn, you remember the Ghostbusters remake? I hope they remake the remake. I hope that remake, not the original. I want the one with the girl from SNL. I want, like, that's, yeah.

I'm like, that's what I need. You think there's going to someday, oh, we need a remake of the all-female-driven Ghostbusters. Yes, that's exactly what's going to happen. Let's remake that one. People are going to be like, oh, my God, they're doing it. It's going to be all men this time. Let's do an all-male version of the female reboot of Ghostbusters.

People are like, I'm on board for that one. This looks good! I like this. I mean, I have one, you have one. Any audience members, did anyone have one? This is our first time doing a live. If anyone has, Jackie, you have one? Do I want one that we can share on the podcast that we're doing right now?

Yeah, that'd be great. What do you mean? How bad is it going to be? Now it's definitely going on. Two separate ones. One about the downside itself. Number one. Oh, a downside downside. Let's hear the downside downside. Spicy one. Oh! Oh! A downside, downside.

Let's hear the downside, downside. That's awesome. Yeah, do it. Give her a microphone. Yeah, come, come. Do you mind saying it into the microphone? This is going to be

an editing nightmare. This is really, like I can't even tell you. I'm looking at all these things. Do I look at you while I say this? Yeah, yeah. You look good here.

So obviously, for those of you who don't know, I'm a big fan of the downside. And it's actually... And I said to you, this has been something that has really made me happy. So it's had the opposite effect. It's something that I always say,

this has got to stop and it has stopped a little, is when you pretend like you don't know how your damn sound cues work and we all know that john marco is a perfectionist you do everything to perfection i'm like this is curated imperfection okay did you say that to tova your girlfriend's right my girlfriend's reaffirming russell please please that was the best okay i will say i will say thank you russell i will say that john marco was doing a bad job at the beginning of it naturally and then and then there was a bit where he was doing it as a joke a little bit and then i think you intervened and then i did it a couple times thinking that's what we do now we do this thing and then he's like no we times thinking, that's what we do now. We do this thing.

And then he's like, no, we don't do that anymore. Because Tova said we don't do that. And so it did go on longer than necessary. I love you, Tova. Love you, Tova. This is hard. This system is hard. I know what these four buttons are.

These could be Tova's night terrors. These could be a weird Jewish song for a bit we never did. Or then there was the classic When Your Dog Died. And I tried that joke that felt so bad. One of my biggest regrets. Would you remember this? When Russell's dog died, I thought it would be funny. The next day.

The next day that I had a segment called, here's a checkup on Russell's dog. It was a whole song. I've got some bad news. It was like, how is your dog, Russell? Hennessy! I had been updating on the podcast, The Dog's Health, and then he made this song. And I didn't laugh, but I didn't, I didn't impact, I was fine with it. I liked it.

I thought it was, in theory, I thought it was funny, but I didn't impact. I was fine with it. I liked it. In theory, I thought it was funny, but it didn't make me laugh. Here's our new segment on the downside. I think it would be funnier if it was not me. Is your grandma still alive? I appreciated you doing the bit, but I didn't laugh. Thank you. All right, Tova. Give her the mic.

Let's give her the mic. We got a downside, downside. I have another one about the downside. I've expressed this to Gianmarco before, but sometimes when I listen to it a lot to hear what he has to say about me, and every now and then he'll say something really, really sweet about me on the podcast, and I'm like,

I wish he'd say that to me. Like, I find it on the podcast. That does not feel like about the podcast. That feels like about our relationship He said when Jake Cohen The cook was on He's like yeah well Tova when she makes home cooked meals It's just like it's so warm to come home

After a long show to meals It makes me feel so good And I'm like you've never expressed that to me once That's another downside Tova has to listen to the podcast To find out if y'all are getting married. Oh, my God. All right.

Give it back to Russell. That's fine. Anyone got a regular downside? Not about my podcast? That was funny. Jackie, did you have a second one? Noah's volunteering. So if you got a regular downside, share it.

Jackie is one of our first Patreon members. Let's give it to Jackie one more time. Jackie, what's the downside? It has nothing to do with this podcast. This is just my way of trying to get a full guest spot on one of these episodes. Okay, so I have social anxiety that I hide pretty well. I hide it so well that most people would not know. Thank you, Christina.

I like her. So something that for me has got to stop is that I love hosting people in my apartment, but if I'm not hosting you and we're hanging out in my neighborhood and you ask me if you can use the bathroom on your way home, I don't want you to come into my apartment because I don't know. Like, it might be dirty. My fiance might be masturbating. My cat might be masturbating.

There might be feces in the bathroom. Or maybe, like, I just don't know how to get you to leave after. You don't have to just swing the door open and be like, no, knocking. You could be like, honey, we're coming. How often is this happening? It happened right before this podcast episode. Yeah. No, no, honey, we're coming. How often is this happening? It happened right before this podcast episode. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no.

It happened a few days ago. Three days ago. Oh, okay. Uninvited company. If I were walking with you and I had to take a shit and you were like, don't, and you were like, no. I would say please and i would say do what i have done for my 11 years in new york there's a bed bath me on right here i'll go in with you there's a starbucks here i'll go in with you but i would actually just let

you do it because i would never want to be brewed and i have social anxiety so i'd let you shit in my bathroom oh Thank you. What do you think? You think that's... I... You should feel good. I'm sure your place is stunning. You've been there. Yeah. But I understand the thing of like, if you don't know someone's coming, you're not prepared, you know?

Did you poop? Did I take a shit? I... I think I did because I stayed over when we were... Our power was out, our thing was out. So I think maybe I did. I don't remember. Did you see the cat masturbating? I did not.

Not yet. See, irrational fears. Fingers crossed. There's always a future. Um, my this has got to stop. It comes from the casino. There's, have you ever been to like a hotel place where like before you go to the elevators, there's a guy and their whole job is show me your card.

And you have to show the card because they think you're sneaking into the hotel. And I want to just like, it's one of these jobs where I'm like, this doesn't need to exist. Just pay him and let him go home to his family. This doesn't need to exist, but still pay him. It's good that he has a job, but it doesn't need to happen. How many people are sneaking into the casino? And JP, who featured for me, you know JP? Oh, McDade?

He said it's because it's like a sex worker thing. They don't want sex workers. That makes sense. Oh, for the casino? I thought you said hotels. It's the hotel at the casino. I know you've never been to a casino. It has everything. It's like a cruise ship almost on land. You getting carded to go cheat on your wife?

This is fucking suck. Yeah. Yeah. Damn, sir. I'm just trying to have a little infidelity. Now I got to show my vaccine card. I'm out of here. All right.

There's certain jobs that you're just like, this doesn't need to be here. But keep paying the person. Yes. But it needs to go away. Yeah. And what's your, this is going to stop. Okay. Mine is a little of a warm take and maybe too niche.

And I will say, ahead of time, I really like this person, this actor. I have another This Is Gotta Stop. It's long prefaces to This Is Gotta Stop. Okay, so there's these videos going around. People love them on social media of Manny Patinkin and his wife. And it's like, oh, look how cute they are. And I felt the same thing, and his wife and it's like oh look how cute they are and I I was I felt the same thing and I did think it but there was one recently around the Free Britney time and the whole thing was like the that they

didn't know who Britney Spears was and what I didn't like about it is like dick cuteness is that they don't know who Britney is they don't know her songs and they but they used the hashtag free Britney so they wanted to both be like we don't know that we're just kooky before like we're out of the loop and then also use it for social media in a weird way and I just you can't not know who Britney Spears is do you know what I mean like it's like being like isn't this charming I don't know who George W Bush is like you're just it's too but hashtag love the paintings yeah i just i didn't like it it bothered me and i don't like it i like mandy patinka personally because i saw him on the train once i was on a date and i was a little bit drunk and i saw mandy and i like freaked out and he got off

he went one stop from 72nd to 79th and i got off i said mandy patinka i went to college for musical theater and thank you for being such an inspiration and he he took me by hand, and he said, I'll see you down the road, kid. And then went off. Okay, take it back. But I had a college professor in musical theater, and he said that he knew someone who worked with Mandy Patinkin. And he said this to us randomly. He said, my friend told me that if murder were ever legal, the first person he would murder is Mandy Patinkin. Jesus Christ.

So I have this mixed where I'm like, I bet he's like super sweet and super monstrous. No, I just didn't like the thing of like, I don't know sports, but I know who Michael Jordan is. You just know things, so I just didn't like it. What are you more mad, that they didn't know or that they then tried to capitalize on Free Britney? You can't be like, I don't know who she is,

but I'm going to then use this thing to like get social media. Oh is this what everyone agrees on right now? Exactly. Then me too. Yeah yeah yeah. I didn't like that.

Well. That's social media for you. Because then you do care. You do care about pop culture. You're using it right now to like I just don't like when people are like I'm above pop culture.

You're like no you're not everyone's in it and you're using it right now. I don't like that. And I'm really mad about it. It's like you could host like a show on Bravo and you'd be like,

you're not above pop culture. You can host a Real Housewives post-episode talk. You're not going to listen to the Kanye album? Who do you think you're better than us? I don't need you to listen.

I need you to know that it's happening right now. Do you know what I mean? Does that make sense? No, yeah. That's Kanye. It came out today. It came out?

It actually came out. Oh, fuck. It came out today. It came out? It actually came out. Oh, fuck. It's out right now. Is it good? I only listen to like three songs. It opens up with, I don't know. I'm going to be a Kanye fan and say yes. Okay, good to know.

We got our first review of Kanye. Let's go on to our final segment. You've got to count your blessing, Tim. You better count Let's go on to our final segment. You've got to count your blessing. Tim. You better count your blessing. Woo-hoo! Oh, my God. Tim, thank you so much.

Fantastic. I think we did pretty well for our first live one. This felt good. Yeah, it was fun. That was the audience. Yes, this is very cool. Yeah. I love it. Yeah, next time we That was the audience. Yes, this is very cool. Yeah. I love it.

Yeah, next time we should have an audience. So, Russell, we do. It was a fantastic audience. I'm very happy. What's your blessing? Very short. I've been away for two weeks. My blessing is I'm happy to be home back here. I've been traveling, and I'm excited to just be home now.

Back in New York. Back in New York to just be home now. You know? Back in New York. Back in New York. Just a couple bugs. You know, all the bugs. Yeah. I'll say my blessing.

I don't want to make eye contact with Tova while I say it, but my birthday was, I turned 33. Oh God. And Tova got me a gift

and it was a, it was a toiletries bag. Very nice one. Leather. GVS Giamarco Vincenzo Cerezi GS on the side but even the bigger part

was a box of all like 10 different mini deodorants and 10 different mini deodorants so that I never

when I'm packing have to like move things from the bathroom into the bag like oh I thought someone was coming in

by the way we started this a bunch of comics came in I guess there's usually an open mic here and I was like no it's much sadder than that today we're doing a live podcast but so now I have this bag when I'm going on the road I don't have to I hate the part of going to the bathroom and being like move this here put this in a bag put the brush so it's all it's a portable really nice when I need to go I put that bag in there and I just used it for my hegan son I love it it's all it's a portable really nice toiletries when i need to go i put that bag in there and i just use it for mohegan sun it is perfect it's great she got you 10 sticks of

deodorant yeah and told you it was because she wanted you to have it organized yeah it's for organizational purpose nothing to do with me sleeping on your armpits at night that's that's a damn you're a good liar tova it was It was a very good gift. That's awesome. Hey, happy birthday. Oh, yeah, that's awesome. Thank you. It was your birthday a couple days ago, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess that's what I'm blessed.

I'm definitely blessed because, yeah, I was like, my mom called me at the beginning of the month. And she was like, what are you going to do for your birthday? And it's like, I don't ever really celebrate my birthday. But I was like, I don't know. She was trying to give me ideas. And she was like, you should go get a massage. You should do this. And I was like, I'll just do that tomorrow.

How am I going to? It's hard for me to plan a birthday because I'll just do what I want to do any day I want. So I didn't plan anything. But then my birthday week came and all of a sudden I got friends visiting town. I got people. I get to perform at the Comedy Cellar. I get to do all kinds of the week just Kanye dropped

an album. It's just like oh did you do this week for me guy? It's like that's what I'm grateful for. Not having the lift of finger in the universe doing its work. That's what I'm grateful for. Oh boy that's

tough for me to swallow. And how old are you? I'm glad. Oh, boy. That's tough for me to swallow. And how old are you? I'm 31. 31. All right. Well, I do think it's important. How old are you? Why are we doing ages right now?

33, 35, 36, 36, 33, 31. I think what's important to remember is that given the state of the world, we are probably well past the middle of our lives. Let's hit it, Tim, with the downside. Play us out, Tim. We have a downside. Thank you so much for coming in. That was awesome.

Downside. Downside.