The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #42 Pulling Out with Ian Fidance

Episode Date: October 5, 2021

Ian Fidance joins us to talk about changing antidepressants during a global pandemic, the hidden romance of finishing on your partner, how to get hit by a car while riding a bike, trying to trick your therapist into thinking you’re on heroin, publicly listening to canceled musicians, being so old you get injured in your sleep, getting gifts to make up for losing your dad, and being bisexual. You can watch the full video of this episode HERE Join The Downside Patreon for early ad-free episodes the Friday before they're released on Tuesday, two BONUS episodes a month (AUDIO & VIDEO), + the good feeling inside that you're helping keep my delusions alive. Follow IAN FIDANCE on instagram & twitter Watch IAN FIDANCE's comedy here Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Fawn Sullivan, Paige Asachika, & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You've dated a stand-up comedian? I've dated one, and we're good buds today, and I'm friends with her boyfriend, and we have such a good... Totally fine. Good for you. Yeah, I'm really happy and proud of that. Well, this is a negative podcast, so get ready. I know, I know. We're gonna get there. So welcome to The Downside. My name is Joe Marcus-Horazi. I'm here with my co-host, Russell Daniels.

Hello. And we are here with a fantastic stand-up comedian. You don't have a podcast right now, do you? I do, yeah. Including the SiriusXM show? Yeah, SiriusXM show no longer. They restructured and I was not part of the structure. You don't have to edit that.

I don't care. No, I was just going to hit the theme music. Oh, I thought you were hitting an edit button. Oh, that's so funny. No, I thought it was such a perfect, like, that show no longer exists. One, two, three. You're listening to The Downside. The Down marco cerezi um uh well i'm sorry i i that's all right it should happen you know i mean it's a pandemic when i'd work during a pandemic

it's great that is very nice so um well well thank you thank you for being here yeah thank you for having me always nice to have you i remember when i first started stand-up you were like you you were just someone who was cool. I just remember Sam Morrison was my friend. And I always remember Sam told me once, he was like, I saw Ian, he had Lime Creek in the cave, and he was just murdering and killing. And it was just like something,

when you're young, a young starting out comic, and you're like, oh, I guess he's the person. Oh, that's so nice of you to say. Thank you, that means so much. Well, I didn't see you. It was just Sam. Oh, okay. There's a negative aspect to the podcast. I immediately told Sam, I'm like, okay, Sam, let's relax.

I'll judge for myself. I'm sure it didn't all work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll serice you poo-poo. I am. It's no good. It's no good. But thank you for being here.

We had some time off. My dad, he had a heart surgery that he made it through. Oh, man. And then I had a breakthrough case of COVID. Waited the whole span. It was the fucking worst. It was over 14 days ago. But it was, yeah, it was like.

I had it right before then. So were you okay? It was really bad. Really? And you're vaccinated? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. It was no joke.

Really? I had the smell. I had the taste. All that shit was fine. It was very flu-like. Skin hurt, chills, fever, achy. Did your neck hurt? My lower back really hurt one time.

Okay, thank God. All right. Why? Because my neck hurts. Oh, your neck hurts. And I was headbanging and my neck hurts once every month at least. Yeah. But I was talking to my gal and she was like, does your neck and head hurt? That's a symptom. And I was like, no. Oh God. So now I'm just worried. It gets harder the older you get where you're like, yeah, my neck hurts. Of course, it hurts. My back hurts.

Everything hurts. I carry bacitracin in my fanny pack. What's bacitracin? What is that? It's like Neosporin. I carry bacitracin. I carry Pepto-Bismol. I carry Motrin in my fanny pack with me because I am slowly breaking down.

Yeah, it is crazy. The physical stuff, sometimes you'll just stand up in the morning. Oh, dude. That's what's amazing is the what happened in my sleep. I wake up and my Achilles tendon, and I'm like, so I can't lie down anymore? Not even lying down is enough. I need to be in a water chamber to not like

have new pains do i i ride a bike everywhere i ride like 15 at least 15 a day and i'm like if something happens to my body because that's like a huge part of my mental health and like just it's like very meditative and i love it and if i can't do that i'm like just fucking blow my head off like if i can't walk briskly or like something happens to me where I can't do my daily activities, I'm going to fuck. I don't know what I'm going to do. Yeah. And I'm so worried I'm just going to be old and it'll go away. You know how do people when they're old, old ride bikes?

I'm trying to think. Yeah. I mean, it's really good for you. You're getting your body and your endorphins and everything moving. And it's good for your heart rate and your lungs. So it's like in terms of exercising, that and swimming is like wonderfully good for your body. Can you ride a bike? Yeah.

See, I can't really ride a bike. What? You can't ride a bike and you can't drive. What? You can't drive? You're relying on walking. One thing at a time. One thing at a time One thing at a time

Oh my god So what happened with bike I don't know Like It's just one of these things There's parts where I look And I just I'm like

I think my parents Were just depressed So they didn't do Some of these things So I had a bike With training wheels Like lots of kids And then I just remember

One time on a playground Some kid was like You still use training wheels And I never Touched a bike Again No But didn't you have Like didn't you have Like I guess Depends where you live Did you have like A neighborhood gang ground some kid was like you still use training wheels and i never touched a bike again no but didn't you have friend like didn't you have like where i guess did you have like a neighborhood gang of bike riders did i have a neighborhood gang well like what did i friends we would go

on bike rides like you had it was like it wasn't like a thing we didn't everyone i think balance you know i was not an athletic kid. Flat feet, awkward, gangly. So balance was always a problem. Ice skating rinks, that was a big popular birthday party activity. I never could do that well. I hated ice skating as a kid. Braces flew off my teeth. It was bad news. So all I did, what happened is my daddy got me this thing for Christmas

where it was like, I describe it like a chariot. It's like a bike with two like boards on the back. So it requires zero balance. I think your father bought you a rickshaw. A rickshaw. It was kind of like a rickshaw. And so my dad got me this thing and I liked it because I. Wait, wait.

You got made fun of for having training wheels and then your dad bought you a rickshaw? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I'll show the kids like this. You drive the kids around in this yeah yeah you were like delivering like fruits to their family like an old italian in the bronx in the 40s i would ride it now it was so it was i mean it's huge it was a huge thing yeah and uh what happened my we i was riding one day down a hill and my dad was like do it this time with no breaks because i was very cautious kid so i was like breaking going slow it had you know the handbrake and so i tried it with with no break i started going super fast so fast that in my head i was like if i had kept going there was like a

creek there and i was like i may die in my head it was like sudden very high intensity moment so i decided to just step off oh no while it was moving like i remember it like it, it was a very high-intensity moment. So I decided to just step off while it was moving. I remember it was one of the few times in my life it was like a slow motion where I'm like, I'm going to step off. Those accidents are always slow. And I remember putting my foot down on the pavement and then just elbow, hands, knees.

If I had hit my head, I ended up breaking my arm. If I had hit my head, I didn't have a helmet on. And my dad, who was normally like a safety guy, like he felt terrible. Yeah. And I just don't know if I can do it. And ever since you haven't been able to,

I mean, hey, downside Patreon episode, John Marko learns how to ride a bike. There it is. Yeah, you should. That's good. Live from the hospital, John Marko tried riding a bike. Yes. is. Yeah, you should. That's good. Live from the hospital, Tremarco tried riding a bike.

Yes. Well, then it's in New York. I can't even imagine. What kind of... Oh, bro, I love it. I love it. Did you always love it? Were you always good at

riding around in New York? I've always loved danger. Take cues, too. Yes. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I have two bikes. I have a single speed

and I have a geared bike. The single speed's name is Old Henry and the geared bike is Richard Geary. Oh. Thank you. I've been Ian Fidance. Have a good night.

Old Henry and Richard Geary. Richard Geary. I just like the name Henry and it's an old bike. Are you a Richard Geary fan or that's just the old pun you could think of? No, because it's a geared bike. It's a good pun. Yeah, no, it's good. It's a great pun, by the way.

It's a great pun. Yes. Call Samuel Morrison. He'll tell you. It's a great pun. It's a great pun. Yes. Call Samuel Morrison.

He'll tell you. But the single speed, I shave the handlebars down. It's like this, probably this wide. So I can go in between cars. Because I used to have a job fixing printers in the city. Just for those listening, Ian just took the mic and held it. I thought this was a video podcast. Yeah, but we take the audio from here. Oh, okay. So with the act outs with the mic and held it i thought this is a video podcast yeah but we take the audio from here oh oh okay so with the act outs with the money gotcha buddy that's one of many okay so get ready

get ready so uh yeah i shaved the handlebars down because i used to have a job where i would fix these specialized printers in the city and i get paid a pop for each printer so you know i get 10 to 12 in a day i'm sitting pretty so i was just biking all through manhattan fixing these printers in and out of cars in and out of traffic blasting my music because i got a speaker on my bike i was getting high at the time so i was just like smoking weed fucking riding it was awesome it was great how often did you get hurt? I mean, you're going to get hurt. Were you ever hit by a car?

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Wow. On first and A. And how bad was it? Did you break anything? No, I got bursitis in my shoulder. And you learn how to fall.

Like, you learn. It's like, like you said, it went in slow motion. Like, you learn how to get hit. So, so like if you're getting hit by a car you lean into it and try to roll off of what you're getting hit because if you lean away you're gonna get sucked on and get run over how you and you're able to assess this in the moment i just can't think about telling you also from riding a bike in the city you get like matrix vision you get like terminator vision where you can assess things ahead of you like i can see an intersection before i'm coming up on it i can tell if people are coming if they're not i spatially i know if people are around me it's just it's like

six cents you pick up from doing it in the city so much and so often you know so like i i mean obviously things happen but i got hit this was 2015 2016 and i didn't get hit again until october of last year so i mean that's good physically that's yeah i mean if i'm riding almost every day that's yeah great do you have good insurance health insurance yeah that's good if i was riding a bike i would i would look more into my insurance we were in austin and we're all being biker boys and fucking scooting and booting. And one of the guys is like, I don't have insurance. I'm scared. And he sounds old, too.

Yeah. He actually sounds like he's like, I don't have insurance. I can't do it. I wanted to make him sound like a bitch. He's like this jacked, super in shape guy. He's like, I don't want it to happen. I might fall off. So, yeah, I wanted to, the one thing I wanted to bring up,

we've been, I had this TikTok that's getting me in a little bit of trouble right now. Oh, no, what happened? It was very interesting. It's going to be, getting in trouble on TikTok is fine. Like unlike Twitter, like it just kind of, it lives in its own bubble. But people were making videos.

It's a pedophile joke about R. Kelly. And I'm sorry he got convicted, Russell. I know that was a tough one for you. Russell, I'm sorry. Here, I'll pour one out for you, boy. Big, big R. Kelly guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bevy.

That'd be funny if that's a one hill you choose to die yeah yeah yeah yeah an r kelly purist i do like when someone has like one opinion that you're like whoa like you know we're all in line to a certain degree yeah i wouldn't want it to be r kelly no i wouldn't want to be something no um but you got like so you sent me this is r kelly it's a was this pedophile joke and it's it's about vocabulary it's this pedophile joke. And it's about vocabulary. It's a joke. The joke, I mean, it's essentially the difference between the word pedophile, hebephile, and ephephile. And the reason we don't make those distinctions is because it's hard to explain the difference without sounding like a pedophile.

And it's like, I do it at the end of the Comedy Central set. So I'm sure it's going to get another loop of this kind of thing. But some people, you know, they're like, don't know. The moment you say pedophile and it's a joke, they're like, you're making light of pedophilia. Well, wait, what are the differences between those three terms? So pedophile is you're attracted to people who are prepubescent. Then hebephile is early puberty, which is like 11, 12, 13, 14 range. Hephebophile is 15, 16, 17, 18.

And so it's like this long where you go through that and everyone's like, why is he telling me this? I say, the reason we don't use those distinctions because it's hard to talk about it without sounding like a pedophile. So this woman made this long TikTok about like- I didn't know TikToks could be that long. Yeah, they can be three minutes now.

No, really? It used to be a minute long yeah they can be three minutes now no just really like this yeah it used to be a minute now it can be three minutes wow and she challenged you she challenged a comedy to a comedy off she said i'm gonna we're gonna we'll get a stage i'm gonna i'm gonna tear down the roof i'm gonna get yeah she's literally describing caroline's march of Caroline's March Madness. I'd love, I'd love. She said any crowd. This is one big push for Louis Miranda's March Madness 2022. Congrats, man.

Oh my God. Did you, you know about the March Madness? Did you ever do it? No. I've heard about it. I did it. I was too young. I was, I just, I wasn't.

I was supposed to do it. And then I got like a row gig and I was like, I can it. I was too young. I was, ah, I just, I wasn't quite ready. I was supposed to do it, and then I got like a row gig, and I was like, I can't. And all my buddies like busted my balls like, you're scared, you're scared. I was like, yeah. So people who haven't heard it, March Madness was like, I think it used to be like a big real feather in your cap. It was kind of dying down by the time I got to it. Where March Madness style, where each comedian does one minute each and that's the round that sucks that's the one where it's like could be could go either way yeah yeah

and then it increases in time length each round yeah yes but there's definitely a lot of like who goes first who goes second you generally don't want to going second is I would pick every time right right and I remember the first year I did it. Oh, God, I forget his name. He does the Irish podcast, Irish Goodbye. Mike Feeney? Mike Feeney. Okay.

Mike Feeney, he went after me, and I was very new at comedy. And Mike Feeney, just before a set went, and we were like last. The first round is the worst because it's like 32 one-minute sets with applause break meter in between. It is the worst concept for a show that first round. And when it got to Mike Feeney, he said, I hate this. And it murdered. He just said, I hate this. And the crowd went apeshit wild.

We hate it too! Especially when you're like a new comic. You almost have a sense of being like, wait, that can't count. Yeah. Right. You can't. That wasn't a joke.

That's not a joke. He just, he just recognized that everyone's miserable and called attention to it. And you go, no, that's the most important. Which is what a comic does. Yeah. He recognized things and called attention to it. So, so yeah, I did it twice. So what did you do? No, no, I did. So I, he went so i he went second he just he just won oh right he just won right right and then uh uh yeah it sucks but this woman she challenged she challenged me i

would take this woman on so she she was talking about you know you how dare you defend pedophiles and people who like this video she sounds hilarious no but then this is the greatest thing so first at the end of the video then she she goes, she's like, you know, this is minute five. She goes like, she's like, you must have been touched by a priest. He tickled your little pickle. And I'm like, that's a pedophile joke. Yeah.

Now you're making a pedophile joke. She did say, yeah, she did do that. Tickle, tickle, pickle. Tickle, tickle, pickle. That's some middlele pickle And she also said Mark my words one year from today Knock knock knock Who is it? It's the FBI They're arresting John Marco Ceresi Like she was like

She like so I love the menale on the internet It's so fun And he sent me this thing And I was like this is wild And I was like let's just see what her deal is Russell watched every TikTok she's ever made It was crazy because there was nothing that lined up with that thing

She has videos of her doing a reoccurring character as an Asian woman She's a white woman and doing a full asian accent and like with the caption stop asian hate yes and like yes through jokes through jokes on it i love it i've never seen someone who was i love it i've never seen someone who was so like like outwardly uh uh joke saying i'm woke yeah and also or the captions was like don't put people in a box not all asian people are like this and then who does she no no white no she's white and she and the other thing about her was that's fascinating she does a black scent a lot of times because she was adopted by two black queens and And so she, that's her phrasing. You said it like it was like,

Oh no, no, sorry. Like, no, like, so two, she,

that's her phrasing. So two black women adopted her. She does. She does a lot of content on the problem with being white when you're raised as black. Oh, for that huge demo. And so it's, it was just everything I watched. I was like, this chick rules. Oh, for that huge demo. And so it's, it was just everything I watched.

I was like, this chick rules. Oh, I was like, actually she is funnier than you. She's going to beat you up. Cause I was like, the final one.

Depending on the room, if it was like, if it was like an LOL, those accents crush. Oh man. She could just do an H&S for 15 minutes. Holy crap, dude.

And then at the end be like, that's racist guys. Good night. The final one that I watched though is the best one. Will you send me her thing? I will absolutely. I hate watching it with my girlfriend. She did, she she's talking about angry gay men.

Yes. And she goes, she goes, she goes, she goes, she goes, oh these angry gay men coming after me. Don't come after me because there's no one angrier and gayer than my brother rest in peace no oh and i was like it was oh i love that it was so good she's it's so unhinged that's great so i feel you know, but it's content.

Well, I had the thought. I was like, that would be fun to do this. Wait, someone on TikTok mentally unwell? Get out of here. Who does that get? That's my favorite thing. But it's just funny that she got so mad. None of her other things are mad like that.

So she's like, oh, she had a pro Michael Jackson video. To her dancing toael jackson defending michael jackson that's what i was crazy about it dude the call is coming from inside the house michael i i i gotta tell you i i keep you know halloween's coming around which means michael jackson starts playing all the time and i do there is a part of me that sometimes goes like are we do we all understand that this is crazy? That we have created, where that we're still, Michael Jackson was a pedophile. Right.

And there is this thing of like, you're not supposed to listen to, here's my example. I think of like, if I were out on the street and I was playing like an old Louis C.K. album, I know friends who would go like, what the fuck are you doing? And they would go play Thriller. And I'm just like, okay. RightK album, I know friends who would go like, what the fuck are you doing? And then we'll go play Thriller. And I'm just like, okay. Right, right, right. Are we all aware? We're all agreeing that it's fine.

It's one of those cognitive dissonances that everyone is like just accepted fully. Dude. But you're not asking people to listen. I'm like, he was. But you're not, are you asking people to not listen or are you just asking us to acknowledge that?

Yeah, I'm just asking people to like chill out about like whatever media or content someone wants to consume. It just doesn't match to me. It's just something that doesn't match. Okay, I see what you're saying. You're saying it's hypocritical of them to be like, turn that Louis bit off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's go do the Thriller dance. At every wedding still. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every wedding. Dude, I totally agree, and I will add on the fact that i do not give a fuck uh what the artist has done i will still enjoy it if i've always enjoyed it with the exception of cosby or r kelly but i will not be at a party and be like turn that off if someone has it on i'll be like well i'm off. If someone has it on, I'll be like, well,

I'm certainly not going to dance to it, but I'm not going to play in the Cosby show. A non-dance protest. I'm, I'm just very of the mind of like, who cares? I don't disagree. It's,

there's just something about like people like singing along to him singing. Right. P Y T pretty young thing. Right. And just going like, I don't understand how this, I don't understand how it's synthesized with the world

that you've created I agree I would still listen to I don't give a fuck listen to R. Kelly he was a fucking he was a song song credit

on the new Drake album really oh yeah hilarious well you know Drake is that little Millie Bobby Brown thing so what is that thing

like he was just friends with this I don't that's her right now That's one of R. Kelly's dates Oh my god That is so loud though There's a child screaming

Whatchamacallit Oh yeah apparently he like has been friends with her for years And like someone was like Deciphering his lyrics That they could apply to her Cause like he has a lyric that's could apply to her. Cause like, he has a lyric that's like pussy so good. It was worth the wait.

And like, Oh, and he mentions a date, a specific date and talks about that's the glow up and it's her birthday. Oh no. I don't know. That sounds like very damning lyrics. I was expecting a little more subtlety.

And it was like, it's her birthday. It's like, I fucked Millie bobby brown the day she turned 18 oh god i loved your impression of rap just there really quickly i don't know what era of rap that was from oh god that rules um that's awesome i i don't know i i agree with you though a dude so i play music on my bike uh my bike when I ride and this dude, do you guys know Ryan Adams?

He got in trouble. I know. One of my all time favorite artists. He was married to Mandy Moore and abusing his power dynamic with other women. I think there was weird things in their marriage but also

other women were more upper hand. With that it's like, okay, I'm not going to buy think there was weird things in their marriage, but also, yes, other women were more up our hand. With that, it's like, okay, I'm not going to buy tickets to see him live. I'm not going to buy his album, but I'll listen on Spotify. They're getting no money from that. Because they're not paying any money.

No, it's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm listening to it on my bike, and some guy rolls up next to me and goes, Ryan Adams, really? Come on, man. Don't you know he was canceled? And I go, hey, don't you know he was canceled and i go hey don't you

know i don't give a fuck i've always liked him and i'm not gonna let something outside of my control control what i listen to when he goes yeah you're right his new album's really good and i was like holy shit dude that's that's what all this shit is people just want to be perceived as good but in reality he's listening to it privately and he's like you can't do that out loud yeah uh yeah yeah and then when i didn't back down he's like yeah he's still pretty good blew my mind dude yeah yeah that's incredible and then and then that guy went back and listened to thriller and did the whole dance i think the other thing with this tikt woman, which I always think is interesting with the joking aspect, where they're like, the FBI is going to come knocking.

And I'm like, let me tell you what pedophiles don't do. They don't announce it. They don't joke about it. I mean, there's just- Well, apparently they write songs about it, but- Yeah, yeah. They write songs. They don't joke.

They write songs. That's the one you got to look out for it was just it's always fascinating to me that nobody learned the lesson from cosby of that of your artwork does not reflect who they are and people still occasionally they quote i don't know who said maybe it was maya ang Angelou, where when someone says who they are, trust them. And people use that on comedy sometimes. You're like, you don't know. You just don't know, and you've got to accept it and stop pretending. I mean, Vince Champ, great example.

Tell me, who's this? He was a clean comic, Christian college comedian. I don't think I know this guy. He was a complete rapist, and he was mr. squeaky clean comic hmm you know I'm of the mind of like the more you are yourself openly the more no one can like be surprised yeah you know as long as you're like authentically yourself and like a good person yeah you know like I mean like prior it's funny looking at prior he was like yeah i beat women and i steal and i'm a drug guy people like

at least he's honest you know there was another john christ was the recent one did you did you hear about him i've heard that he was a super christian comic uh-huh was like telling women to you know fuck him cheat on their husbands for tickets or whatever. What a scumbag. Yeah. And he was supposed to have like a Netflix special. Like he was like, it was one of those right on the cusp of. Right, right, right.

And then when he came back, he became like an anti-woke. Of course. Like Jamie Kilstein. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a couple of comics right now. I see that part pivot into it.

Yeah. And whenever it's a hard pivot, I'm see that hard pivot into it Yeah And I Whenever it's a hard pivot I'm like Do you Do you fully feel this way If you don't Don't you get tired of it I imagine that

It's partly like Well they'll accept me And I'll partly like You are probably angry at like Yeah Well no Like you know I've seen some that I'm like

Man that must be exhausting Having to just play to that Yeah All the time. Oh, my God. And now that's who you are. And even if you deviate away from this new fan base, you've called it. He's like, no, no, no.

What? No, you can't take that away. Plus, you need those fans now, too. That audience is not the audience you want. Anytime reading those comments from your fans now, you're like, you've got to, on some level, be like, good fuck. Yeah. What the fuck should I do? Totally.

Oh, my God. I know. It's kind of like raising your kid and then like just like giving them like no rules. And when they turn out shitty, you're like, fuck, I kind of did this. Yeah. Yeah. Bumble knows it's hard to start conversations. Hey.

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So you grew up in Delaware? Yes. Do you enjoy that? Delaware? Wilmington? That's where you started? I started comedy in Philly. No, but like life.

You started life in Wilmington. Oh, yeah, I started life in Delaware. Loved it. Great. You're already fucking it up. Yeah. What did you not like about Delaware? I mean, it was limited in a way.

I mean, but really, it's the same in Delaware as it is where you grew up, where you grew up. I mean, I'm talking about like suburban life in a way outside of the city obviously there's a difference different experience if you grew up in a city but i feel like you know everyone does the same things but in different places whereas me and my friends would hang out in a taco bell parking lot you and your friends may have hung out in an amc parking lot you know but it was still the kind of the same thing of like just really nothing to do so you make your own fun you know and you either get into a lot of trouble or you play video games in a friend's basement see i was the video games kid

so was i uh-huh but i was also getting a lot of trouble guy so i did both from from a young age were you trouble yeah i mean i was an ornery kid growing up i was like an ornery kid full of love full of laughter full of life energy and then you know my dad died when i was eight and after that that kind of put this like anger and um kind of like uh not negative but just like it may i really started acting out, you know And then when your dad died, did you go to therapy like immediately? Like what was your reaction to that? It was I mean we went to group therapy and I like hated it and I didn't even grasp like what it was

and The therapy Like they're doing like and also I was like the youngest one there i was eight and everyone was like older and like i just couldn't relate oh i thought it was just like you and your mom it was a big group oh yeah it was a church group so like my mom with the adults and i went with like the young adults and i was eight and everyone's like you know in their teens late teens and were they all 20s was this like about a dead parent specifically i was the only one with a dead parent everyone was like i lost my well you know somewhere

like i lost like a brother like you know a grandparent or whatever but i just remember being like you know i i just really hated it because i got i could tell i was getting treated with kid gloves in a way of like i could tell i was getting sympathy from people that didn't know me didn't know my situation and i hated that and so i like you know like they they had like a raffle for like christmas gifts and i like won and i gave it back and was like give this to someone that needs it like i don't need this like i was like it was just like football stuff and i was like i would have don't need this like i was like the gift it was just like football stuff and i was like i would have given that back to you i was like well i was like

i already have football stuff and i flat out was like this is gonna bring my dad back i don't want this you know like i don't want any of this so i was like very against like getting gifts and stuff because i felt i could tell that that was a way to like make up for what you lost yeah you'll never make up for it. And even at eight, I was like, I do not want this. And this raffle was part of the group.

I'm just, it's just such a, such a broad. I feel like if I had a kid, it'd be like, we need a one-on-one therapy specifically for you. That was like later. But also dude,

it's like, nobody knows how to deal with that. My mother was 40. Yeah. Her husband just died. She's got a kid that is already like, like later but also dude it's like nobody knows how to deal with that my mother was 40 yeah her husband just died she's got a kid that is already like needs to be injected intravenously with adhd medication you know like what are you gonna do so my mom was just like okay let's try this for sure it was like a nightmare you know and then every couple years it was like therapy again i hated it and i was i very much matt Damon to everything where like they would try to get deeper

and I would just totally surface talk everything. Like I would never ever get deeper than like, you know, this is what happened at school today. You know, how does that make you feel? I don't know. Like I just wouldn't like, dude, one time I showed up to the psychiatrist and I put Dots all over my arm and pretend to not out from heroin and I like how well Wow Yeah Like 12 or 13 yeah

I was like, yeah. And he's like, well, we know you didn't do heroin. I was like 12 or 13. Yeah. Yeah. I remember I was like,

just getting into the death tones and like corn and everything. Oh man. You're like, let's give them something. Well, I wanted to like do drugs so bad. Like I would like beg

older cousins and stuff for drugs and they would never give it to me. Good. I was in like sixth or seventh grade and I'm like, give me weed, give me acid. And they're like,

no, you know. How old are you? 36. 36. I'm 33. give me weed, give me acid. And they're like, no, you know. How old are you? 36. 36, I'm 33. I was just thinking about like the drug, like the anti-drug campaigns. Yeah.

As much as I understand they don't work or I didn't have D.A.R.E., but they worked on me. Like I was very much from an early age. I was like, I'm not touching drugs. They really associated for me drugs with like your life is a disaster yeah and it worked for me that i would be way too scared yeah to do any of it so but you when you were younger you you wanted what was it alcohol or weed yeah like i wanted to do we like my cousin got me into wu-tang clan i like really wanted to

like smoke a blunt yeah but like he got me into the music but he wouldn't get me into Wu-Tang Clan I like really wanted to like smoke a blunt yeah but like he got me the music but he wouldn't get me into the drugs I was like pissed you know and then my like friends that I hung out with like a really bad group of kids and they would like try to my mom to her credit wouldn't let me hang out with them outside of school because she knew they were like bad kids and like my friends older brother would like give him weed and we were in like seventh grade and uh they wanted me to give them my like ritalin and they would give me weed and my mom like never let me hang out with them never let me like so to her credit my mom was like slick she knew the score you know so she kind of like kept me away from

those kids so when did you when did you first some, when you get that big fat joint? Oh dude, I was like 14. I got high. I, uh, immediately told this kid, I was like, if you give me more weed, I don't have money now, but my grandmother gives me money for Christmas every year. I'll give it to you when she gives me my Christmas check. You're going back to the church. You're like, give it to you when she gives me my Christmas check. You're going back to the church. You're like, give me that football gear.

Give me that football gear for the rest. I'm going to sell this for some more weed. Off to the races off the bat, you know, like straight up,

like passed out in my friend's front yard. My grandfather picked me up. I'm like puking. I'm like, I found a worm in my chicken nugget earlier tonight.

You know, like lying, just like. That was the lie that you went to, a worm in your chicken nugget. Yeah, legit poisoning why just like that was that was the lie that you went to a worm in your chicken nugget yeah legit that night we found a worm in my chicken nugget at how could be at burger king i think about the couple times that i came home drunk in high school and like saw my parents in the living room like i'm gonna go to bed and i thought i was passing it

off and i'm like oh i was probably like oh. They saw me and they're like this fucking kid. New Year's Eve, eighth grade, my friends and I did a bunch of like jello shots. And I came, my mom picked me up. I fell out of our truck on the ground. I went inside. I tried to fight my stepdad. Like it was, I mean, from the jump, I was like fucking nuts when it came to like drugs and alcohol. Yeah. the jump i was like fucking nuts when it came to like drugs and alcohol yeah and do you think your mind i know you can't answer it but do you think it was related to your dad dying or do you

think you have like that desire for drugs i'm predisposed to drugs and alcohol i come from a family of alcoholism and drug addiction so i already am predisposed at the same time you know i did drink when i was in like eighth and ninth grade very not like every weekend or whatever but a fair amount stopped didn't start again until i was like 21 and then that's when it was off to the races that's when the sadness kicked in that's when i could finally cry and like feel emotion about it because I I would always like every year around the time of his anniversary I would that's when I would like the anniversary of him of dying well his birthday is 10 days before he died so the whole month of May was just like horrible every year so that's when I would release the pressure valve and like let it all out and then bottle it up for the rest of the year. And then that was like my little, like, you know, um, week period of like, Oh, I'm allowed

to be sad because I never knew you could just be sad. I always felt like you had a reason. Yeah. And also I, you know, am, um, manic depressive. I have, you know, major depressive disorder. And I didn't know that i just thought that like i was different from everyone else or like i guess everyone does this they just don't tell anyone about it so i'm not gonna tell anyone about it yeah yeah so i would bottle that all up and then alcohol finally let me be sad all the time and i could like finally cry when i was drunk i could finally like finally cry when I was drunk. I could finally like feel emotion when I was drunk.

You know, if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's hard for me. I've always been, I think the reason I never drank a lot, I only really want to drink if I'm in a good mood. Something about, I don't know, I don't want to be sad. And so I, I've very rarely been sad and drunk.

I felt so much sadness inside of me that I couldn't let it out of sadness because i felt like that wasn't wrong so i would let out out in anger so i was like very angry and like when i would drink i would like it in fights and you know like it was just all unmanaged grief yeah you know it was all unmanaged um feelings of sadness, being scared, an inability to accept, you know, and like at the same time, I thought I was gay and, you know, I'm, you know, I was so afraid of that. I just love all this happening and in therapy, you're like, I'm good.

I'm fine. But I didn't know how to articulate. Of course. This is all hindsight. This is all hindsight. Of course. I did the same thing when I did therapy as a kid. And I feel like you just, there must be savvier therapists out there who can get it out of you.

But I felt like my therapist, it was one of these things where they were dependent on me to bring it to the table. And now I do that at 33. But when you're a kid, you're like, you need someone real sly to ask them about music. To really unlock these things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. So I'm very, I'm very, so your mom, is she still, do you still have a stepdad? No, no. Is your mom still alive?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But is she, is this the same stepdad you tried to fight on New Year's? Oh, they got divorced. They got divorced. They got divorced. But what was it like, how long after, so you were eight when your dad died? But is this the same stepdad you tried to fight on New Year's? They got divorced. They got divorced.

But what was it like how long after, so you were eight when your dad died. How long after until your mom started dating again? A couple years. And I couldn't accept it at all. I was like a real bad kid about it. I was like, I didn't handle it well. How could you? I mean, I didn't handle it well with parents alive yeah yeah uh do you remember which was this like the the guy that she married was that the first like serious

boyfriend basically yeah and you hate it from the get you were like totally totally and and he was such a good man and like such a good guy that i just couldn't recognize at the time like there was no way he was winning there was no way anyone would have won my mom could have you know dated my favorite baseball player and i've been like you piece of yeah yeah you know like there's no way you're gonna win you know and uh i don't know man it was just you know but you know that's the downside the upside is that today uh i've really found like gratitude for it all you know i used it was always like why why with like sadness poor me but now it's like oh i know why because it made

me who i am i had to go through that to get to where i am and i'm really happy with where i am so i'm grateful for it you know good uh so so you bipolar is that what you, you bipolar? Are you bipolar? Yeah. And when was that diagnosis? 2016. 2016? Wow. That is, do you wish, God, I wish I'd known that sooner?

It would have really made a lot of sense. Yeah. When did you stop? But at the same time, like symptoms don't fully develop until later in life you know what is the average age like college like yeah around that time so these things kept happening and i was like oh that's weird you know like what like what is it just the swing the emotional swings yeah or just like not being able to get out of bed for like days and like these yeah these

massive swings i've always been like energetic yeah and then i just said i think the thing is i only see i only see you you know when you're on stage or when we're in comedy spaces so i see just the kind of the energized version and i never ever let that down period be reflected publicly like i don't want anyone to see that i mean i will talk about it yeah obviously it's a part of my life but i'm never going to show people publicly that because i feel like that's a very i mean like we live our lives like publicly or whatever but there are things i need for me and i keep that boundary up where instead of just showing it i'll just kind of disappear and cancel things and just whatever instead of like i'll talk about once i go through it i don't want to talk about it while it's so close to me you know yeah and i never want to

bum people out like i you know and and. And I never want to bum people out. Like I, you know, and look, like this is very much goes back to my childhood of like when people would see me upset, they would be upset. You know, when you're a kid and you notice that if you mention your dad is dead and all the adults around you start to cry,

you feel bad and you're like okay don't do that yeah so my whole life it's been a thing of like don't show anyone that you're sad because that makes other people sad and the last thing i want is for and like i'm grateful for my following i'm grateful for people to dig me but like the last thing i want is for people i don't know to feel that they know even though they may be doing it from a good place but to go hey are you all right hey I hope you're okay hey this and it's like I don't need that I have a very close circle that I can go to I don't want anyone to worry that's like my big thing I never want anyone to worry about me that's like the big butting head things with my mom too it's

like don't worry about me don't worry about me never worry about me you know so i very much take care of that on my own and like never let that stuff come out but in terms of being on stage i've gotten a lot better with it's weird man like i'll talk about it on stage and let it filter in a way on stage but i won't let anyone in on it if that makes sense yeah yeah you know yeah yeah um uh let's that's and also i hate bummers i hate when you talk to somebody like hey what's up like i got this going on but i'm like shut up fucking that's what's so crazy i i can be a bummer sometimes i don't like it i know i don't like it either with your pals not a fucking you know whatever show we're doing i don't think you would go into if you didn't know someone if you didn't like it either. Be a bummer with your pals, not a fucking, you know, whatever show we're doing. I don't think you would go into if you didn't know someone,

if you didn't, like, I think if you were meeting someone on a surface thing or like, I don't think you'd go fully into it. Well, I had my dad, my dad just had the surgery

and it was, you know, I went through my head like, of, oh, if my dad's dead and I thought like this idea of like, oh,

I'll be one of, I'll be a person whose father is dead. Like it was like an identity shift or like the thought of like oh i'll be one of i'll be a person whose father is dead like it was an identity shift or like the thought of like having to tell everyone that yeah i think i would just disappear for a while i don't know if i could like do process it in real time and some people do and i like really applaud them but i don't i don't know i don't know it's very strange you know yeah but i will say like during the pa i i had an incredibly difficult pandemic for a lot of personal reasons and it was like so ev because i

am a very energetic and happy whatever yeah and i was just gutted and so many people would take me aside and be like dude are you all right like you have a cloud over you i can tell and i'd be like yeah that's all right man i'll just fix it later it's fine you know and like i had to get a couple talking to from people that are like you gotta really like you walk into a room you used to light it up and now you were bumming everyone oh man oh and you had no energy you had no idea that that was that no i knew. I totally knew. Yeah. Like I couldn't put on a brave face.

Like I couldn't even put on a brave face, you know. Yeah, it's hard. It's like, what do you do? You know, I don't know. It's like difficult. And I'm still learning with like my depressive states and everything. My go to is to just not let people see it. And I'm getting better at slowly letting people know like

even in my personal life i wouldn't let anyone know i would just like disappear and now i'm getting so much better being like i'm really struggling right now do you have time to hear me yeah i mean yeah like talking to someone instead of just being like everything's fine gotta go yeah you know so like i think one cause I'm still growing and learning. And I think once I master that with myself and my personal circles, I think I will then be able to have that translate better outside. But for now it's like still growing pains. Yeah.

You know, even though I'm like 36, I feel like I know this stuff way better. Like I can feel it coming on. so I know what to do to address it instead of it just coming on and me being like, what do I don't know, you know? Yeah. And are you on medication stuff right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Is it specific to bipolar disorder, antidepressants too? Yeah, I'm on Lamotrigine, Zoloft, and Effexor, which have helped massively. And this whole past year year right before the pandemic i didn't know the pandemic was gonna happen but i got off my antidepressants because it was making it hard to come yeah so i was like doc i need a different antidepressant so we put me on something else and then that like didn't work so during the entire pandemic i'm med shifting and like getting

put on this and you got to be on it for like six weeks and side effects up that doesn't work let's try this i i don't know i'm currently in a phase of life i've i've never really done antidepressants and then i always whenever something it's one of these things it starts dipping low i'm like i start talking to my therapist we start lining the thing up and then i'm like i'm doing better now and but i i think it's time and i tried once uh lexapro and i did it first i went to the person who prescribed and it was it was very frustrating because like he didn't give me anything concrete like when he i was asking him about the different medications and it was i can't even imagine with multiple medications because he'd

be like well this sometimes some people say it makes them feel like this and this sometimes it sometimes makes it feel like this. And I was like, what the fuck? It felt like I was like talking to not a doctor, but like an English professor.

Like it was interpretations and metaphors. And have them don't even know. In order to get on the medication I'm on now that has like, I finally found the God code of like what works for me i legit had to go to this guy and be like i've read about this i'm on an ssri i need to be

on an snri i've heard of this medication i would like to try this rather than this but he's like okay we can give that a shot sure okay blah blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, you are a fucking moron, dude. I think that's why those commercials are like, ask your doctor about blah, blah. But that's why you get skeptical. The doctor doesn't fucking know. You get skeptical of those commercials too because then you're just like,

well, these are all these pharma companies pushing these drugs. And I don't know, when I talked to this guy, I didn't know if he was like a moron or I was like, is this just the loosest science in the world? It just, dude, I didn't know if he was a moron or I was like, is this just the loosest science in the world? It just... Dude, I could have legitimately been like, hey, I've heard of heroin and it's really good for mood stabilization.

He would have been like, okay, we can try maybe 50 megs of heroin. Sure, let's give this a shot. You give him an SSRI, I want a fucking needle in the arm. Yeah, yeah, yeah okay yeah ssri the eyes insert that needle in my vein you quack i mean but also this sits in his office like i i checked myself into an outpatient drug and alcohol rehab center in um 2015 and that's where i still go for my psychiatrist because it's in my insurance plan so this guy is seeing a million patients like one day a week is in the office so he's not i'm not

dealing with an intense like yes and he's like the 10th psychiatrist i've had this sits in his office he wears two masks indoors is constantly like you know uh sanitizing his hands and like you fucking loser just give me my drugs and i'm like look at me i am the psychiatrist now it's and then there's like when i think about the antidepressant i automatically i'm like the side effects so this side effect you you just you couldn't come i could it just took a while and like it got to a point where things were so fucked up for the past year medically emotionally and everything was a lot of shit i had going on um that i said to him like i don't even care i don't care if i never come again i need to be on this

medication blah blah blah and it it's antidepressants i liken to birth control where you know it takes a couple weeks to a month or two to figure out if it works with your body and in the interim you're having these massive side effects you're emotionally a rubber band getting pulled in all these directions but you gotta wait it out to see if it works. Oh, this side effects don't subside. Let's start it over again. Yeah. Let's try something new,

you know? Yeah. Yeah. And I really, really feel for so many women that are on birth control because there's thousands of types of birth control and it really fucks them up. And the same thing with medications but you have to know that the ends justifies the means i'm talking from my experience with yeah um uh antidepressants

but with birth control it's like just learn how to pull out like it's not necessary for you to just learn how to pull out yeah you don't really have to come in your check every time just fucking you know meet them halfway come on pal and And antidepressants are actually great because it does take me a little while to come. And I can come from penetration, but I come a lot easier with my hand. So that's like a great form of birth control because there's no chance of me coming inside you. Yeah. I just wear a condom i never shut the up there's people who wear condoms i'm always amazing I never... I hit it.

I never understood. I never understood. I never understood the jerk that... To me, the jerk, the finishing yourself off, that's like, oh, you went through all this. You went out to dinner. You had drinks. And you're going to end it with masturbating. I've done that plenty i don't

need to finish myself off bro i've done a thousands bro thousands of times always good yeah yeah it doesn't get bad doesn't get like not fun but you you prefer the condom though i've never been like oh god this again the finishing on them thing can be really romantic too because. Romantic's the word you went with. Yes. Because. Spell it a heart. It forces a extra level of intimacy.

Yes. Because you are finishing on your partner and then it is your job to clean them up. And you can do it in a sensual or a fun way and you laugh about it. It brings you closer together. It's really nice. Try it. And also, by the way-

I reach behind the bed for the towel that's- Ew, a towel? Buddy, you gotta use a paper towel and throw it out. A paper towel? That's not romantic. We've talked about this so many times. I use my merch. I have a hand towel merch.

The fact that you have a towel just for cum, and then it gets dry. Kind of weird. Jerry. Kind of weird. It also feels very like maybe, if that feels delayed, that feels like something you'd do in middle school, high school. Yes. I think you need to grow up a little bit.

Yeah, I agree. Growing up is using paper towels. Get rid of it. Yes. Get rid of it. Yes. Get rid of it. You throw it out. Paper towel or tissue.

Tissue or what do you- You're keeping a comrade in your house at 33? One of the grossest, one of the most embarrassing things I've ever had. Once in a while- What we just discussed. Still having a comrade at 33. Once in a while, when I was in high school, I would masturbate with a condom. Before I had had sex. Yeah, yeah had had sex Just because it was just like

You're doing the thing And it was also clean And I think once I did it And then I put the condom in my room On a side thing And so cut to many months later My dad My dad comes to me

And he's like So son I found your collection when come is like or when when a man finishes like doing one of these when a man finishes and and you it's it's left there it can start to smell and god i'm so glad my dad died. And it was so embarrassing because it was a condom. So my dad thought I was having sex. And internally, I had the shame of like, he doesn't even know. I wasn't even having sex. It was just me alone with the condom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, dude, I'm telling you, also, like, I have a huge fear. If they're not on birth control and I'm wearing a condom, what if I come inside them and the condom breaks? That's so scary. I had a condom break one time in my whole life, and I must have had sex 20. Someone who's got different equipment.

You just pop. These condoms are bursting. Babies can't even. I got them extra small, so I feel better about myself. That's like a fear of mine. And also, can I say, after a while, your pull-out game gets better, and you can time it to where you can pull out and come even without your hand. Or you can pull out and just go.

So it's not like you're sitting there jerking off for 10 minutes you're talking about this like it requires any kind of skill it does you feel like you're gonna come you pull out I've been doing it for years I've had so many intimate moments

jerking off kissing my partner and like coming while I look in her eyes like that can be like wildly intimate and you you know it's a way to change it up I'm telling you try it yeah try it you don't always got to be condom guy and also I love going down on my chick and the condom makes it taste weird I agree I don't like that I do it in the beginning get it out of of the way. Oh, I see. I'm a freak. I'm doing it middle, after, beginning. You do limit yourself. Well, mid.

No, no, no, mid. Especially if you're, I'm not on the antidepressants, so I don't have the taking too long to come problem. Ah, yes. I remember when I first started, I was coming way too fast. Oh, totally. And I remember the one day I was like, oh, I can stop having sex to chill out and go back down and then go back to the sex. Yeah. I remember looking back, I'm like, you never thought of this before? like, oh, I can stop having sex to chill out and go back down and then

go back to the site. Yeah. I remember like looking back, I'm like, you never thought of this before. Yeah. You thought the moment you went in there, you're like, I'm here forever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh man. I had a rough start because you can make them think like, God, I just got to eat your pussy right now. But really it's like self reservation. Yeah. I've done that before where I'm like, you know, h everything and then i'm like i just want to stay here i just don't look at you but really it's like if i move an inch i'm gonna come and i can't do that you know that's how dirty talk was created it was just a stall yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah just

a small tactic nah hey give it a shot man what do you got to lose you know well okay so get rid of the condom yeah I do like imagine you have a checklist of like I do this step and then this step

every time you know what I mean like it's you know the truth I've only only two people in my life have I ever had sex

without a condom really one like a very long term girlfriend and then one was it was a hookup after a show and she one that she yes and she girlfriend and then one was it was a hook up after a show and she

won 19 yes and she but no no no but she was I mean this is not she brought paperwork she was on

she was on she was on top and she she got up and then took it off and then went back down and I had like that quick to think about

wow if I was okay with it did she check in before she did it was not a check in it was a bloop. Wow.

We just found a reverse me too. Tweet about it sister. It was it was it was nice. Say her name. I thought you were

saying her name. I was like I don't want to hear her name. Shame her. Shame her. Oh. That's great. It was definitely not good. What a power move.

Take it back to night. That's the take. Jesus Christ. Pussy grabs back. That's what I used the wipe to come off of was a T-shirt that said pussy grabs back. Pussy grabs back. And I said this is romantic

you see yeah yeah yeah we're in love you're squeezing her like a teen fundraiser car wash I think the funny thing was

the we ended up hooking up the next she was in town and we hooked up the next night and because it had

already happened I was I felt like a bad I was like well fuck it if we already didn't use a condom, I won't use a condom again.

And so that time, I guess that's my answer that I ended up being, Have you ever talked to her again? No, but so, for a while, there was some Instagram communication, but she,

I remember I was, all I could think was, first I was scared of STDs, just a little, but then I was scared that she was pregnant, and remember I was, all I could think was first I was scared of STDs just a little, but then I was scared that she, that she was pregnant. And so I would look at her Instagram stories and the moment I saw her drinking alcohol, I felt this wave of relief.

Like, okay, she's, she's either not pregnant or a bad mom and maybe we'll lose the baby. And so I felt just so relaxed, but I had some friends at the time at at the comedy club who was like hey you're gonna be a dad and i was like i regret telling you that story that's very scary the pregnancy well that's why but that's why i'm a condom guy because like i have

too much anxiety i have too much anxiety about pregnancy and stds and that's how you need medication yeah i'm gonna get on it i'm gonna get on. And then I won't be able to come at all. I won't need the towels anymore. Yeah. Look at all these. Hey, this show is called The Downside, but we just found some upsides. We'll be right back after this. Theme.

So you do. Well, I do want to talk. I know your Glory Holes story. I'm very fascinated by Glory Holes. I mean, everyone is always curious that you hook up with men and women. Yes, of course. But I've been listening. I've been listening to all your interviews where you've only dated women.

Yeah, I've heard every kind of, every dick stuck, every ass, everything. Every kind of, every dick stuck, every ass, everything. But so tell me, when did you, who did you first, did you first have sex with? A woman? A man? What was your first sex? The first time I had sex was with a woman, but I had been blowing a buddy of mine for years.

Just blowing him? Was he blowing you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's nice. 69 too? But we never kissed. Never? Yeah. Not even on the cheek? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's nice. But we never kissed. Never? Yeah.

Not even on the cheek? Nope. Well, I tried. And he... Shut that shit down. How old is this? We, like, hooked up from, like, 11 to 22, 23. When did you suck your first dick?

That's a long time. How old were you? Seventh, eighth grade, I think. That blows my mind i remember i remember like like in seventh grade like i had a girlfriend and i remember like asking if i could give her a hug yeah oh yeah you're just blowing i well publicly i went to titanic with my like seventh grade girlfriend i kissed her on her Temple because she I didn't know how to kiss and I was just looking at her and she wouldn't look at me I

was like well I'm already here but meanwhile I'm you know giving mouth hugs yeah on my free time I also can't imagine how bad I would be I mean I'm sure I'd be better blowjob now I'm right up to this day not good at blowjobs I hate it I I mean like in'm sure it'd be better to blowjob now, just right out the gate. I'm, to this day, not good at blowjobs. I hate it. Really? I mean, like, in theory, it's like, that's why, like, whenever guys are like, dude, if guys can blowjob, we know what we like. It's like, I don't know, man. In theory, yeah, but put one in your mouth

and see what happens. There's a lot of mechanisms going on that you don't really put into your thought process. I think the key, if I were to plan this out, if I were to give a blowjob, it would be, the hand would come in pretty soon. And once the hand is there, then it's all good.

Do you come quick from blowjobs? No, I'll be honest with you. I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a big blowjob guy. You are down there putting in work. And it's a lot. It takes a while. It ain't too fun.

That's why the hand, that's why the hand. are really good credit to a lot of the gals. My blowjob would very quickly turn into a tip in the mouth with a lot of jerking. Yeah. That's my blowjob. Yeah. Just in case someday if I ever have to blow, a guy really fizz, the hands are coming out. I mean, I put on a watch

on my hand. I'm doing it upside down to look at the time go by going all right paco hurry this up pal but that 10 11 year thing with this with this friend it was like once a year oh okay it was like once or twice a year just on the birthday very yes very secretive and was he does he still uh like, date men and women? I haven't talked to him in years. Last I checked, he's got, you know, Jesus tattoos, very religious, family.

Gotcha, gotcha. You know, Bible quotes every day for status updates on Facebook, you know. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You ever want to comment? No. I want him to live his best his best life no but that is very funny about the not kissing the rationale of like being like no i'm not doing

the jokes about it like yeah like kiss you i'm not fucking gay no yeah put your boy mouth on my boy penis like two straight men you know yeah yeah but what can you do you know yeah so so now to glory holes because glory holes just something well i i will say before we get into that you know i i've i've talked about it a bunch it is kind of a monkey's ball because it is that's like i don't really want to be known as like the glory you don't want the title of this episode to be glory holes please no good god no i uh yeah it's either dead dad or the glory hole it's one of these two either let's just go with a good fun time ian but it's like a thing like it goes back to the bipolar and riding a bike in a way and drinking. A side effect of bipolar is risky behavior and sexually adventurous behavior. And I never really, again, like I said, I'm still figuring a lot of this stuff out and growing and everything. And when I drank, I loved engaging in risky behavior the my favorite part

of drinking was not knowing where i was going to wake up like you know i would wake up on the street like in gutters like i would drink to the point of like not being able to walk home that's how i knew i had like a good night like i didn't want to see at the end of my day i wanted to drink myself blind and a part of being bipolar is sexually risky behaviors you know and i noticed that through like reflection when i would go to these glory holes when i would hook up with guys on the street which is called cruising you know when i would like go to these public hookup spots and have these like crazy interactions, I was feeling, I was in like one of my, um, mood swings, you know, I was like, uh, feeling like very low and depressed. So I was using these quick hookups as a form of danger,

but a form to get high, to get out of that feeling I was feeling, you know what I mean? Yeah. And, uh, that's part of the reason I was feeling you know what i mean yeah and uh that's part of the reason i think why i like riding a bike so much it's because it's it's it gives you that like risk sure or stand-up i mean stand-up has a certain totally yeah you're absolutely when you talk about cruising because the first time we met it was with sam morrison after he had metaphorically sucked your dick in front of me uh-huh that we met it was outside uh the soho playhouse and you talked you and sam like gave me a like uh about cruising like you make eye contact i remember that where you you either like linger the eye contact and that's like all you need to know to like oh this

person might have some interest i remember that yeah yeah yeah so i've cruised a ton like that's mostly how i've hooked up with guys also Also on, like, apps and stuff. But that is a form of, like, risky behavior. And that's a form of behavior that is very old-school gay, that a lot of... It's way less mainstream than it used to be, you know? Now, do you have a girlfriend right now? I do, yeah.

I'm very curious. When you start dating a woman, do you... Do they know right out the gate i know plenty of women that they if they were dating a guy who had been with other men they have that judgment inside of them you're out you're out you're done son but do you do you ever feel are you meeting people were you using dating apps when you meet women like how do you make sure they you know it's just one of those things where like well like you want to find out who they are as quickly as you can yeah but i'm fucked bro you google me and my entire life is online yeah yeah so it's like i'm not gonna pull

any punches you're gonna know who i am and i'd rather you know who i am of course on me rather than looking me up so i you know i pride myself on being honest and open you know like not you know and it's funny because my gal is is bi as well and that's very much like a thing that helped us become closer because we understand what that's like and the judgment we felt and the uncertainty and self-hatred we felt from it and everything so we kind of like bond over that but i've very much been honest about it and had girls be like no and i'm like okay i i yeah understand it you know i don't agree with it but i'm not gonna just it's a it's a strange the i don't the you're gay that philosophy to me. So it's it's it's horrible.

So many people believe it. Here's the thing. What's the segment where we talk about the thing that grinds your gears? This has got to stop. That's my this is. Well, let's let's go to it. This has got to stop. This has got to stop right out the gate.

What do you got, Ian? I fucking hate how people think if you've been with a guy you're gay or because you're with a girl you're no longer bi or you know if you like i really really dislike the discourse on all this because i feel like bisexual men get shit on so much more yet we're living in this wildly accepting time where everyone is allowed to be whoever they want yeah however they want define what you are and then when you go yeah well look man i've fucked guys but i'm in a monogamous relationship with a woman people are like well you're a liar you're secretly gay yeah you so you're not gay anymore well i was never gay uh yeah but you've been with a guy

that doesn't make me fucking gay it it really pisses me off and if there can be 72 different genders why can there not be multiple shades of sexuality everyone wants to live in this non-binary society when it comes to gender but when you bring up a non-binary sexuality people look at you as if you're an insane person and it really bothers me i also think it's crazy because we've had years now of of of feeling like we're in this post thing where this is happening and it feels like whenever you whenever someone says something like that it just feels like what are you it feels like it's in the 90s like what are like, what are you? It feels like it's in the nineties. Like, what are you talking about? Like you're,

it feels like there's been such a double standard where it feels like people can totally get on board being like, yeah, women buy it. Like, and it really feels like there's a thing where they can't. And you're like, it just feels like it's, I don't understand why it's that much.

The leap is a bigger. Well, I just, I just know men when like men who like, I just feel like I hear more often men being like,

I could never kiss another guy. So like, and they do that partially to like reaffirm their own masculinity. So,

they make it seem like, well, if you're straight, that's unfathomable to you. So if someone even toys with it, it's like,

well, clearly. Yeah. I just, it's like, well, clearly. Yeah. I just wish, I hope we eventually go to a place where people more accept their, maybe not bisexual, maybe not call it bisexuality,

but like I find men attractive. There's certain men that I think are very attractive and it's just a line of- I feel like the term bisexual just puts this thing in people's head and then they came out with pansexual and I'm like, well, that's just a form of bir the term bisexual just puts this thing in people's head. And then they came out with pansexual. And I'm like, well, that's just a form of biracial. I'm just me.

And I do what I want when I want with who I want. Right. And I don't want like because when you put a label on it, it puts you in a camp. And it's very interesting that women can hook up with women, but they're still straight. They're just fun. Gay guys can hook up with women but they're still straight they're just fun uh gay guys can hook up with women but they're still gay a guy that hooks up with women hooks up with a guy and he's fucking gay for life it's like the scarlet letter as if being with a man is bad you know even when i've told women i've had women that i've hooked up with. They know I've hooked up with men and they refuse to have sex with me until I get tested.

Mm hmm. You know, and it's it's a very strange thing. And, you know, I know I've been sexually promiscuous, but, you know, I talk about the condom thing, but that's only in monogamous relationships. I've never had sex with someone outside of a monogamous relationship without a condom even on a one-night stand even when i was fucking drinking i wound up at a wawa in my underwear coming out of a blackout screaming them to give me a condom i didn't have my wallet i only had my car keys and i was like if i get AIDS wawa it's your fault because i was so dead set on getting a condom and i've never been with a man without a condom.

I've never been with a trans woman without a condom. And I don't, I don't know. I feel like it's just, it's very frustrating, especially because I have friends too that, um, and I'm not asking people to like understand my life,

but it's, it's funny because when people offer me a drink and I say no, they go, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I go, it's not your job to know my life. You were being kind to offer me a drink and a communal active friendship. I get it. Totally fine. But then when people go, you get a girlfriend, I thought you were fucking gay. And I go, no, I never said I was gay.

That's what you put on it just because I've been with men. And they go, oh, whatever. And they don't apologize. Yeah. Yeah. And that infuriates me. Yeah. I just wonder.

It's I just I just wonder. I remember I hooked up with someone and we didn't have sex because ultimately on the third date, she told me that her fiance had come out to her, that he was gay and had, and had given her herpes. Oh God. And I just like, I just,

in my head, I'm like, well, I can imagine that person shared that story with people. And there's, there's this fear where the, the thing with like, well, he's probably gay or he's hiding it. If he's, there's this fear where the, the thing with like, well,

he's probably gay or he's hiding it. If he's been with a man for sure is people like trying to protect themselves from the, the fear that's their loved one or their monogamous relationship or their marriage is going to go astray. And so they're trying to prevent it and they think, oh, well,

if they, if they've never been with a man, i never have to worry about this i can take this off the checklist as opposed to realizing that you have to worry or not worry about anyone in your life because they could be telling the truth they could be not they could change who but like so much of it i think a lot of of that behavior there is a fear i i remember there was a i went to musical theater camps i remember one woman she was like in love with her high school boyfriend and he ended up being gay and i i really think she like it it just went into her where she blamed herself for like she was so wounded by the fact that he went with a man that uh i could see how people are trying

that's what makes them think in that very binary way of just being like no you're gay so i'm not fucking with this because i'm not going to get hurt like this other person i'm not going to be betrayed i'm not going to find it at 50 like self-preservation in a way and i'm like but i'm like haven't we been around the block long enough to know that even the people who might be straight presenting are sleeping with another guy or they'll cheat on you with another woman? You can't protect yourself from people. Yeah. And I find like the last bastion of true homophobia comes with the trudging into the bisexuality territory.

You know, like it's very strange. It's very strange it's very strange but also i have a unique experience i feel because i'm like wildly straight passing you know like uh-huh i no one has ever been like is he gay except for like you know i am like in touch with my feminine side i talk with my hands a lot and i can be a bit of a yenta you know and i'm like very sensitive i was like raised by women so i'm very like emotionally sensitive and whatever and i've been called a fag and everything and like gay just because of my sensitivities but never because of my presentation does that make sense and um so

i've never felt accepted or a part of the lgbt community because that was not my story you know so i feel weird being involved in that community because i've never been a part of it and i feel like it would be disingenuous that's why i have a weird time talking about it like on stage and everything because it's like i'm not part of that community it's not part of my fight but in a way it kind of is and when I talk about it I get so much feedback from like guys or even women that are like my husband and I heard you on a podcast and he told me he's buying he was like hiding it or like guys will be like you know I'm by and I didn't know other by people existed or like yeah I feel better because I heard I'm like oh my god that's amazing but it's like it's like weird i don't feel part of the lgbt i feel part of the straight community

that's like uh i i don't even know how to phrase it we need to add an s to that i think dude i'm telling you the more individualized we get with these certain things, the more the clock strikes 12 twice and it just comes back to be like, dude, the LGBT is going to include straight. Yeah. It is a funny thing where you're like the need to both for people to put categorize and have it figured out. It's like that's a huge component. I think people just like, well, what is your thing? I need to know your thing and i also feel like the need to for people to belong to community is a big thing and and that happens in lots of different things not just in in sexuality or

gender but i do feel like uh that's a big part of it too where where it's it's it's an interesting time to be in because you're like we've taken all these steps and you're like breaking down things and genders. And then, but then like the, the things can feel more niche and niche and separated sometimes. Yeah. Uh,

it's, you know, it's, it's very strange. Like I, dude, I, I went to a,

uh, I went to a rally and not a rally. Jesus. I went to a protest. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Holy shit. Uh, i went to a clan rally

those are my people dude i i went to a protest and it was just so laughable because i saw so many signs that were like muslim lives matter queer trans lives matter black lives matter asian lives matter and i'm like wow you're totally right all lives do matter you know like if the fucking clock strikes 12 it's like what are we doing with all these like individualized things when it's like we're so much more alike and living breathing together than we are different I don't know what like the whole idea to like separate ourselves from everything is just so strange I think but it goes there because people aren't paying attention to a certain thing.

I do like the idea that there's all these different causes. Sometimes you got to have one cause per. Well, no. Dude, I showed up. I was like, who's fucking Parades? I think that the Black Lives Matter, you're like, they had that slogan. Everyone else has to come up with something else. Yeah.

Once again, we're taking something else. Isn't it such like a queer thing to be like, to have Black Lives Matter and be like, uh-uh, honey, no. This is gay now. It's like, oh, fuck. John Marko's shitting himself. He's like, oh, no, the TikTokers are coming after me.

That woman, she was at that rally. Oh, no. John Marko's shitting himself. He's like, oh no, the TikTokers are coming after me. Oh no. That woman, she was at that rally. Oh no. John Marko's like, I'll never have a Comedy Central set again. No, who knows these days. The downside. Shut the fuck up. No, I agree. I think that with the adding of the letters at a certain point, I think sometimes you

go further and further. You go like, everyone's sex is normal or strange. Everyone, including. I think one of the biggest things I think was so funny with like, where people would be like, see, I don't know if I'm anti-sex. The sex to me is sometimes gross in a way where I'm like, I think one of the big mistakes was not this idea that, oh, gay sex is his own thing. But it's like straight sex is gross too.

I'm always amazed when like some Christian fundamentals will talk about gay sex is his own thing but it's like straight sex is gross too right i'm always amazed when like some christian fundamentals will talk about gay sex like straight sex like it's not also like filled with yeah fire yeah liquids and it's funny because i've acted in a way of like total hedonistic fucking insane behavior and i feel like i've become more uh conservative of like y'all need jesus or just like y'all y'all play too much oh you shouldn't be promiscuous find one person you love forever you know like because i've lived this crazy fucking put my dick everywhere life i'm like i feel like i had to go through that to find out what i wanted and maybe people are just born that way where they already know that and it's innate inside of them I just feel like I had to kind of yeah go and explore all these other things in a way to like figure stuff out but I mean like yeah it's all gross dude yeah it's all gross it's all weird we're all

fucking freaks of our own minds and that's way more in common than like separating ourselves into like an asexual slut and you're like wait what how is that a fucking thing are you kidding me asexual sluts will come for us asexual it's like what no you're just horny sometimes cool welcome to fucking being married folks down side um well let's go to our final segment. You better count your blessing. You better count your blessing. Russell, do you have a blessing?

Yeah, real quick. I'm going to New Orleans tomorrow. I'm very excited. It's my favorite place. I haven't been in a couple years now, and I'm excited. Hell yeah, dude. I'm just excited. It's going to new orleans tomorrow i'm very excited it's my favorite place and i've been in your in a couple years now and i'm excited hell yeah dude i'm so excited it's gonna be a great trip i've always wanted to get down there yeah you've never been no i'm your music boy man you would love that i have in new orleans in 2005 i went down to help rebuild homes i got hit by the hurricane yeah

and i went down to new orleans biloxi, Mississippi, Foley, Alabama. It was fucking awesome. But that was for like, I didn't get to enjoy the culture. Yes, sure, sure. My blessing, I'm going to L.A. this week. And, you know, I'm very fortunate. My mom, she lives in L.A. I have a casino gig.

It's like a corporate casino. Oh, hey, all right. Good paying. Hell yeah. I think it's like the most I've had for one gig so far. No way. And I'm just featuring. Oh, dude. Nice.

That's wild. But it's in a place called Santa Ynez. It's two hours away from LA. There's no train to it. And my mom, we're probably going to be sharing a bed. But she is not. Thank God we told you about pulling out. I have this joke on stage

that Shut the fuck up! No. I tried this one I have to stop doing. I love incest jokes. I love incest jokes. I love incest jokes. But I talk about where I was dating someone,

and we were both one time, we were both having a sex dream or whatever. We both woke up mid-coitus. Whoa. Right? And so the joke is I tell that on stage, but I say, but now I have to share a bed with my mom. I had to share a bed with my mom.

And I assume my brain would know I'm in bed with my mom, not a girlfriend, but just to be safe before I went to sleep, I put on condom uh-huh uh her pleasure because i'm a mama's boy and it always the audience goes like what the did you just no one likes incest jokes i i'm i love it i i love them so much dude you gotta hit them with like five more after that yeah to dig in i think i talked about we're like early in stand-up my stepfather came to a show there were five people there so i was bombing terrible show and i did one this is my stepfather so this these are his kids i was like you know the the the the dad the the thing about uh half

siblings the only downside of having half siblings is they're only half as fun to oh my god and like my stepdad from oh is just like, is that true? No, he, he did like, he disassociates. Oh, he's something that knows something and it knows like,

I can't even have this conversation. I hate that. So I have sweating so hard just here. You're going to fuck your mom. I want to try. I think I'm attracted to women who look like my mom because every woman I've ever slept with has been one of my sisters. No. No. Okay. Alright.

Ian, you got a blessing? You got a blessing for us? Yeah, this is going to be over soon. I'll do it! I'll do it right now! I'm moving these buttons to the other side of the table. I fucking love the buttons. Man, in Upside, I am so full of gratitude, man.

I am grateful for sobriety. I'm grateful for friendship. I'm grateful for love, and I'm grateful for living in the day. Yeah? Well, just remember all days turn to nights and all joys. And the best part of night is that the day starts in the morning. The sun may set, but it always rises again.

One, two, three. Downside. Downside. Well, there it is, guys. We got fucking grown-up Screech from Saved by the Bell. Defending R. Kelly. That's it. The whole world's gone to hell.

Don't worry. I'll fill you in on what Jesus looks like. My mama sent me to meet him a few times over. I'll let you in on a secret. He ain't white. No man that came out of the Middle East is. But all joking aside, we got this guy who is a self-proclaimed comedian that thinks it's funny to talk about pedophilia. And that video alone has over 300,000 likes. Likes. That's it. I fucking, I, I give up. I, I just, well, I ain't really giving up. I can't. I can't. Not where kids are concerned. But for all the sick fucks that think that that's cute or funny or support this asshole. Yeah, and I called you a fucking asshole. You're a, what's that sound? What's that?

hey, what's that sound? What's that? Is that the feds at your fucking door? Going through all your pedophilia? Your little porn videos? A year from now, we're going to see you on the fucking news, asshole. Yeah, I wonder what your fucking cell phone's in it what's your laptop and computers having it yeah that's that's comedy is it I'll go toe-to-toe with you any stage anywhere

anytime buddy guaranteed anywhere anybody out there that wants to put us on a stage, give us five minutes. I guarantee I'll bring a fucking house down on you. The ceiling will collapse on you. You are not funny. That is not humor. Anywhere, you and I, let's do a duet. Boom. Guaranteed, I'll get more laughs and more views than you any time. If you think pedophilia is funny, buddy, you have fucking, somebody damaged you.

Somebody damaged you. Whatever preacher touched you, I'm sorry for that, but see somebody. I'm sorry if you got a tickle from the pickle at like a real early age before you hit puberty but whatever you're doing to kids stop because it's not okay get help and whoever keeps liking his videos all of you get help it's not fucking funny