The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #45 Stuck in the Comments with Hannah Berner
Episode Date: October 19, 2021Russell watched all of Summer House (for the second time) to prepare for our episode with comedian Hannah Berner. We talk about fake laughter, fake orgasms, a corporate gig where I got booed for makin...g a joke about ExxonMobil, how Dave Chappelle is “stuck in the comments”, thinking you’re the Ruth Bader Ginsburg of reality television, the awkwardness of reunion episodes, ego death, being one of the top 250 tennis players in the world for girls 14 and under and then getting the yips, using the bathroom at a Buffalo wings convention, and how pit bulls get a bad rap. Not for nothin’, it’s a great episode. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join The Downside Patreon for early ad-free episodes the Friday before they're released on Tuesday, two BONUS episodes a month (AUDIO & VIDEO), + the good feeling inside that you're helping keep my delusions alive. Follow HANNAH BERNER on twitter & instagram Listen to HANNAH BERNER's podcast BERNING IN HELL Find HANNAH BERNER's upcoming tour dates HERE Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at TheDownsideWGS@gmail.com Produced by Fawn Sullivan, Paige Asachika, & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
So you're still recording it at your place?
You go to a nice studio now?
No, I'm like doing Zoom.
Who knows? I'm reckless.
Wherever the energy goes.
Sure.
Zoom is hard.
Recording, not recording, whatever.
Our Zooms have not been great.
Your mic sucks.
Yeah.
Zoom lacks intimacy.
Yes, yeah.
And sometimes I feel like our Zooms,
when we had done it just with the two of us, are okay.
But sometimes we've had guests where I feel like we could get more out of them.
If you don't know the person, it's so hard to butter them up to be like open, vulnerable,
weird.
Cause you just feel like you're on a conference call.
Or like jab them.
I like to do a little like teasing and on Zoom sometimes they're like, what the fuck?
It's like a text message.
Like, was that sarcastic?
Yes.
But I also do think that comedy is all timing and zoom fucks your timing up because either
they can't hear what you said or it's delayed by a second.
And I remember in being one that was like delayed by two seconds and I'm like,
I'm going to sound like I bomb every single time I say everything because there's going
to be a three second wait.
And then she goes,
well,
that's why,
that's why I don't like your mic.
Russell is really
the laugher
of the two of us
he is also the laugh track
of this podcast
and like something about the mic
here's how he laughs
so here's his mic here
and his mic is stationary
it's not handheld
so a lot of people
just go
nope
and on the zoom it's
and on the pod
it's just nothing
and it's me pausing
for a long time
like thank you
sit down
sit down
yes I have a theory the best pods have like the best laughers.
I agree.
Some podcasts are not even funny, but you're like, we laughed so much together.
Yeah.
Pete Holmes, it's one of these things Pete Holmes just laughs the whole time.
And you're like, I don't know if he's killing or he's like, I can't tell.
But it all sounds good.
That's why I never knew if a date was going well because I'm a nervous laugher.
And I'm like, did he really make me laugh or was I just like super anxious the whole time? Yeah. That's true. That's why I never knew if a date was going well because I'm a nervous laugher. I'm like, did he really make me laugh
or was I just like super anxious the whole time?
Yeah.
That's true.
That's interesting.
I don't mean to get you guys nervous
regretting all your dates
if you're actually funny or not.
No, my fake laugh is really like,
it's very royal.
It's ha ha ha ha ha.
You're like a James Bond villain.
You have a quiet one too.
Ha ha ha ha.
Like that's when you're like low energy in doing it is that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But that can be real.
You have, what's your fake laugh though?
You just did it in the kitchen before and I could tell it was, you were doing it.
I could tell that you were like not really checked in and you were like on your phone.
You're like, and I said something, you're like, uh-huh.
And I was like, no, that's your fake.
Your best friend knows your different kinds of laughs.
I mean, no one that shit's fake.
What's your fake laugh though?
Is it the wheeze laugh?
It can be, but it also can be real.
Okay.
I can manipulate it.
Oh, wow.
So you'll never know.
No, I try not to though.
I, you know, I feel like.
Do it for me.
Fake it.
I don't.
No, now I'm in my head about it.
Now I'm in my head and I'm thinking that everything's fake.
I feel like when I go for the ha ha type laugh, like if I'm like, ha ha ha, that's fake.
Yes.
But if you're just making weird ass noises, like it's like an orgasm.
If it sounds too perfect when you orgasm, that shit was fake.
Like if she, if she sounds a little weird when she's orgasming.
She's articulating.
Yeah.
If she's like, oh yes, that's the right.
Oh, it needs to be like that was a good one.
Well, welcome. Welcome to the downside. My name is T.R. Marcus Reza. I'm here with my co-host, Russell Daniels.
Hello. How are you doing? And we're joined today by a stand of comedian, podcaster, reality star.
Is that something you like or do you wish you could like do not want that as part of your. It's part of my journey for sure.
I recently have left it.
Yes.
And that is part of who I am too, like a survivor, a reality TV survivor, I like to say.
You have to embrace it, you know?
Sure.
I just got to imagine, I don't want to speak out of turn, but if I was a survivor of the holocaust i'd say no pick a different word
for the reality tv show you got i do think if people watched it they would say she nailed that
this is the downside oh your name hannah burner
oh my's so good. You're listening to The Downside.
The Downside.
With Gianmarco Ceresi.
Well, this is going to be a lot of fun.
I always forget this part.
This is The Downside.
Welcome.
We explore the negativity.
I know you're a little bit Jewish.
And we're going to lean into the Judaism today.
It's very exciting.
Matzah pizza.
Did you ever use that term?
Like pizza bagel. Pizza bagel. Yeah. very exciting. It's matzah pizza. Did you ever use that term? Like pizza bagel.
Pizza bagel.
Yeah.
Lucas Arnold, he's a TikTok guy.
He came up with matzah relistic.
Okay.
Matzah.
Matzah.
Yes.
Matzah relistic.
And it went viral.
It did better than it did here.
Can I say one thing before we start?
Please.
I don't think I've ever told you this, but a couple years ago, before I started comedy,
I went to a bar, and there were some comics, and you were one of them.
Oh, my goodness.
And I thought you were the best one.
Oh!
You see, that's the nicest thing.
And you did this shampoo bit.
The Axe body spray.
I remember it.
Shampoo, yeah.
It was that good that I remembered it. Yeah, you're still doing it and i have to say it's a
classic it'll never be bad and i remember thinking that your energy was so different than other
comics and that you just the way you performed it was a bar where you can get distracted by
anything and everyone's locking eyes and i just, I'll always remember that. That's very kind.
That's very good.
That energy.
Some comedy clubs have called it two one man show.
So I was all about it.
Cause you know, some people you're like, Oh, this joke could be done by so many people where I think only you could really pull it off.
That's so sweet.
I don't mean that in the, like you're unique in a weird way i mean it
like you're special like a good special you know what i'm trying to say yeah yeah it's going on
the website right after this but now we can get negative yes yes um now let's show each other
nice well i wanted to uh i wanted to talk about this gig uh that i had i had a corporate gig
and i'm gonna try to stay vague but this was
the this was the so so this is my downside this was i don't do a lot of research it's the most
i've ever been paid for a corporate gig i was just featuring it was just 25 minutes um my mom took me
it was a casino and uh because you were in california what because you were in california
i was well i went to california to do this gig yes it's it's like two hours north of la and my mom drove me i can't drive so it was same yeah i know but you you grew up in the area
you you deserve it i don't okay but so i'm going to the casino and like right before i'm like
doing my last minute research i'm not gonna it's 25 minutes i can fill that anytime but one or two
jokes hard to understand what the company is It's not quite a company
It's like an organization
Or a group
I'm like reading their bio
Is it a cult?
Not necessarily
Mid-level marketing scheme?
So I find the newsletter
I find their newsletter
And I just look at the titles
And these are the titles
Verbatim
So it goes
Are the treatments
As dangerous as the virus?
So immediately I go, hmm.
Pause.
It's like the Mona Lisa face, just hmm.
And I'm in heavy denial.
And you know how much they're paying you.
When it's a certain amount of money,
you purposely don't do the research
because you don't want to have an excuse.
It's like a con. You know they're con do the research because you don't want to have an excuse. It's like a con.
You know they're conning you, but you don't want to believe it.
Yeah.
And I've performed for plenty of politically different groups.
Okay.
So that was the first one.
Then Sacramento's homeless street vagrants live under separate set of laws.
And I'm like, vagrants. I don't like calling homeless people vagrants live under separate set of laws. And I'm like, vagrants? I don't like
calling homeless people vagrants.
Reading
about your travel destination has
been taken over by wokeness.
And I'm like, oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Then, to round it out, worry about
the intellectual climate, not
climate change. And I'm like,
fuck, what the fuck am i going into
i'm i'm nervous i feel guilty i was with my mom and i'm like i was like mom i was like mom am i
a bad person should i and i'm not i know in my head i'm not gonna leave i'm not gonna leave
deserve to laugh yes well and there were there were weird things happening there, too. I get there.
I mean, there were about 800, maybe 600, about 400 cowboy hats, not one horse.
Oh, no. And my mom and I are the only Jews in this room, for sure.
And so they come up to me.
And I think the thing is, when you're performing for people who disagree with you, they're so sweet to you.
They go, thank you for being here.
We loved your video online. What you and i'm like what video did they see who knows okay whatever my
agency has being ironic and they thought it was serious maybe maybe but they should have
they should have known sounds like you both didn't do your research there you go
and and so so they're so nice to me they're so sweet and i'm like feeling like i i'm like
so then i start looking at at at the first first there's a country person playing music on stage
sure and he tells me the rundown and he's he's like you know like any good comedy show there's
going to be a national anthem and then there's going to be an auction and i thought you were
going to say a prayer oh it was even worse this felt more like this so i would have preferred a
prayer yeah for yourself please help me get through this without them finding out i'm jewish It was even worse. This felt more like, I would have preferred a prayer. Yeah. For yourself.
Please help me get through this
without them finding out I'm Jewish.
And I look at the auction list.
I'd say about half the auction was for guns.
Glock 19, shotguns.
And if it wasn't for guns,
it was for like training
with a former SWAT team leader.
You and a group of eight friends
can learn how to barge in on someone you think might
have drugs that's not what it but i'm saying it was it was a auctioning off guns they had the
person there a police officer there who would give you your background check at the event so
you could like it's like a covid test but for guns oh my god yes a rapid test for guns yes
and the glock 19 went for $20,000. What?
Wow.
I mean, I'm from New York City, so I'm very bad with the rest of the country and understanding.
I'm a stupid city hick, but this is on the coast.
Yeah, this is California.
Yeah, but California's big, man. But it's big.
It's outside of LA.
It's two hours out, but it's so funny.
It's on the coast.
Even if you did your research, it doesn't sound like you would have known.
No.
I was shooting a General lecture commercial once in california when i remember uh
it was outside of california i was with a bunch of blue collar workers and chris christie had
just endorsed donald trump this is 2016 or whatever 2015 and uh i said to the room i was like oh do
you see this chris christie just endorsed trump and this older guy was like what's wrong with that
and i was like right i have grown up that? And I was like, right.
I have grown up in Washington, D.C.
I've been in theater.
I went to New York.
I grew up in Miami.
I've lived in liberal areas.
I'm not used to being in a room full of people who politically disagree with me on everything.
It's crazy, too.
Like, you look at your Instagram feed.
Like, I grew up in New York.
I went to Madison Wisconsin which again very liberal
but outside would have been different I'm from Park Slope that's like yeah they created like
granola so it's you're seeing this perspective and you have to hear from other people about like
different perspectives too so you almost feel closed off in your perspective from what you're
looking at online depending on your friendship.
Yeah.
And I just don't know how, like, I didn't have moral...
I was thinking the whole time, I was like,
what would have to happen for me to not do this gig right now?
Like, would they have to start auctioning off Klan robes?
Would that be my line?
Yeah.
I'm like, what would be my line?
Yeah, because you keep finding ways to be like,
well, I'm not going to be part of it when I go up there.
And maybe I can stick it to him in a way.
So cross-burning, I'll be off the stage at that point.
Like I'll make jokes and like, you know.
Yeah.
So then I look at the playbill and it says the comedy portion.
The playbill.
The playbill.
The playbill.
The comedy portion listing my name and the other comedian is brought to you by ExxonMobil.
So ExxonMobil specificallyxon Mobil specifically has donated
whatever amount of money
that was going directly
to me
and I'm like
oh my god
you're like a politician
you're like a dirty politician
you are so bad
yeah
and that's when
I had like posted on Instagram
about the event
and then immediately
I was like
no
I can't let people know
I'm performing
for Exxon Mobil
well it wasn't required
for you to promote it
was it?
no
but I thought it was like funny
like I thought the the national anthem thing was kind? No, but I thought it was funny.
I thought the National Anthem thing was kind of funny and then I was like, oh, someone's going to look up this company
and go like, they.
But this is the thing. There's a lot of
comics out here, I feel like, who hate their
fans. Sure. Yeah.
And you kind of have to be in that mentality where
like, or you're one of these comics that
they know there's
a low common denominator that they're hitting on.
Yeah.
And embrace it.
Yeah.
And you can't help who thinks you're funny.
Yeah.
You can't tell your fault that you're so funny in a wide range.
I know.
I know.
And also it's clean.
So squeaky clean.
But there's part of me that's like, I need to take the piss out of them just once.
Yes.
For my comic sensibility yes and i'm nervous and i'm like you know i want my agents to be happy but then there's like
but i want to be brave and so the the joke that immediately comes to mind i have this this uh joke
which i stopped doing because it's on the amazon thing uh is about titanic 2 there's a guy who's
recreated the titanic and the joke is it's going to go along the exact same route as the original because global warming made it safer.
And it's just a small joke.
But then so this, I have the bit.
I put it on my little machine.
This is what I did.
Titanic 2.
Did you guys hear about that?
I'm not making this up.
I'm not making this up.
There's this Australian billionaire.
He's recreated the Titanic.
It's going to go along the exact same route as the original
because the iceberg's got a lot smaller,
thanks to my sponsor, ExxonMobil.
And...
Oh, take a joke!
So... So it was so... What a journey that laughter was. Yeah! Oh, take a joke. So,
so it was so-
What a journey that laughter was.
Yeah.
I know.
Because they did laugh.
It's a storyline.
They did laugh.
They laughed and then they realized,
oh, fuck.
No.
They laughed and then like,
and then the sound started
and you're like,
what was that sound?
This is not laughter.
What is this?
And then like,
because I think like these
white people that was because it's all white yeah they have not been to the apollo before so they
haven't i don't think they've booed ever so it's like a baby discovering the word they're like
but the best is the initial reaction yeah that's the authentic reaction not when they're like oh
shoot my boss is behind me yeah shocked laughter i love that you did that because there's also a part of you when you have that many people that disagree with your
views that you're like maybe if i say the right thing i could turn them like maybe if i just put
it in a perspective they've never heard i could get all these people to see my perspective yeah
and then one ex on mobile person came up to me and my mother, and they thought my mom was my girlfriend, which flattered her very much.
And said that they, you know, whether they're full of shit or not, they said, like, we do believe we're trying these new programs, and it's the higher-ups.
They kind of blamed the higher-ups, and they were like, we're environmentally whatever.
And then my mom, who used to be a lawyer, was like, oh, it's fine.
I used to defend ExxonMobil. And I was like oh it's fine i used to defend x on mobile
and i was like mom god damn it what the fuck oh man we're a conservative family oh my god well
that's the problem with like with environmentalism if you really pick apart all your shit you're
fucking something like something's being fucked over so it depends on your perspective like are
you good because at least you're trying this. Because no one's 100% clean.
If you want to cancel anyone, you could cancel anyone.
Yeah.
I used to, when people were over here and I had to pee, I would turn on the shower because
I don't like them to hear me.
And someone once called me out on that.
They were like, you're wasting water.
But you know who called me out?
They had a kid.
And I was like, fuck you.
You have a kid.
You have a kid?
You don't get to say fucking shit to me.
You don't get to say shit to me.
Yeah. you have a kid you have a kid you don't get to say fucking shit to me i don't get to say shit to me yeah um so so yeah that was just that was my story i it's just like one of those that was really really really fun was there any uh besides the exxon mobile was there anyone else that came
up to you that was there were some people that were nice like i don't know if there was a moment oh there was a moment where whoever
ran it whoever headlined it was clearly like he's been doing it for years and he was he was fantastic
and he's a real comic and uh the guy we were talking and the guy who ran it came up and said
to him like oh you're so good good job again we'll have you back next year kind of turned saw that i
was right there and like like had like a
glitch malfunction because he wasn't gonna say that to me yeah and and nodded and just walked
away immediately so i don't know i didn't like crush the whole set yeah i think i started i i
really uh let it freak me out a little bit like not knowing like you know clean and conservative
crowd and in their 60s like all
of a sudden my my view of like what jokes would work out smaller and smaller and i think i just
kind of freaked myself out so i didn't like you can't perform well when you're judging your joke
while you're saying yeah yeah you know yeah i also think it's one of those things where sometimes
you low-key were probably happy they didn't want you back maybe yes like you took it
as a compliment but then there's like the money side to you that was like damn if i had this every
year for 10 years that would be steady and i want to believe i want to believe like plenty of banks
and and oil companies and nras that you can i try to think like what would you do in that situation
would you have done the controversial joke uh no because uh well a of all i don't understand
but b of all um i know they asked you to do 25 minutes of characters
i don't think so because i'm too much of a people pleaser um uh to to i i think i think what you
did was perfect because you did the job which you signed up to do and uh you didn't
look into too much so you're like i didn't know i was going into it you have that kind of thing and
then and then you fit a little joke in that kind of ribbed you know i think that's good all comics
are like just you know saying whatever fucked up shit they want and i don't know like it's funny
they didn't care your perspective on things yeah they just there's just a certain kind of comedy that they
want and it's hard because i am a good boy like i do think but i do think like my agents or whether
my college agents like they know i'm gonna do the assignment they know they're gonna send me
somewhere they're gonna get good feedback generally yeah but it's hard it's just like as a comedian
it's it's like i think about
i think the legendary story your own voice not everyone's gonna yeah rich the famous story with
richard prior was like when he like became great was he was doing like some clean show in vegas and
said something along the lines of like fuck you motherfuckers and left and like there's part of
you that wants to do that there's part of you that's like i need money this is a different time there's a million people when richard prior did it he exploded so what the
fuck there are those moments of like comics getting really angry and cursing people out
and being like this is epic but that's probably been done hundreds of times and that person you
just never hear from them again because they had a mental breakdown i'm sure michael richards thought
like this is the moment this is the moment i bet if he had waited like 10 more
years there is that like super hardcore contingency that would have glommed on him now he'd be on joe
rogan the next day talking about it oh my god i did watch that like documentary done by jesse
kearson um about women and women in comedy yeah shoot i forgot what it was called but it's great
on fx and they funny funny something fun i thought i had the word funny um hysterical hysterical and it shows
bill burr just like losing it and the crowd being like yeah and they show margaret cho losing it and
everyone's like she's fucking crazy yeah unbook her from everything she's a psycho bitch it's true
yeah which is interesting but i also think what makes comics comics is that you say the elephant in the room and
you say,
even if it's something bad,
like this is awkward.
You're going to say it out loud.
That's how you find the humor.
So for you,
it was hard because you had to play a part.
Sure.
And that's what I,
it's like,
I'm trying to find good material in terms of,
cause like I'm going to be in Connecticut again.
I'm going to be performing for conservatives again.
Yeah.
I,
I am a long way off from just being able to like perform exactly
what i want to do yeah and it's like finding jokes where i'm trying to be like look we disagree
yeah i'm not trying to change you you're not going to change me we'll laugh for a second and we'll go
about our way when i saw you at the casino thing you did a good job of that because there was it
was definitely a conservative crowd at the casino thing and it was definitely like all of a sudden they loved you so much and then you started telling that
story about a guy sucking your dick and and it was so funny yeah to watch them process that it's
about musical theater camp my first interaction was like a guy went down to me when i was when
i was like 15 and like it's very funny because when all the gay when all the
gay stuff is theoretical when it's like talking about being a straight guy at theater they're
laughing laughing and then the moment i get to the part even even when this guy he was straight
the moment the d goes in the mouth the moment they're like whoa what they were like that's gay
they're like and they're also like we liked him what is we liked him when he was on the fence and
then you want him back, too.
And then when I don't get hard, they're like, oh, good.
Oh, good, good, good, good, good.
He didn't get hard.
He didn't get hard.
He's one of us, though.
It can happen to anyone.
That's so funny.
Well, I was thinking about my experiences.
And I do talk about being a woman and talking about farting and sex.
And that's not necessarily right or left.
Like, OK, maybe losing your virginity early could be a religious thing. but it's like we all fart we all fuck we all queef so like
what let's see how much i could push making them uncomfortable of course until maybe they're like
wait i'm comfortable yeah yeah so that's where i kind of push the limit of just uncomfortableness
but i haven't touched the politics yet because um i'm. It's hard. Well, yeah, it's hard. I mean, I'm also not.
It has to be broad and it's very hard.
It's just.
Yeah.
It's hard and everything changes so quickly.
So you really have to come up with some overarching point.
Yes.
That stands the test of two years at most.
It's like not to bring it up, the Dave Chappelle special, but it's like, okay, what was the overarching purpose of it?
And it's so complicated, that kind of shit, to even go in there.
Especially probably puts that together in like six months or something yeah yeah and it's like am i trying
to change the world or am i just trying to get a giggle right now you know yeah yeah i think you
just gotta go for the giggle first because if you lost that then what the fuck are we watching that's
what i say as long as it's funny you could get away with a lot yeah but if it's not funny the
comics are not gonna well i was talking some shit yeah i was some talking some shit on the Chappelle special, and people were like, you don't get it.
And I'm like, you think you're a bigger Chappelle fan than me?
I grew up, I went to high school, Chappelle was my biggest, I loved him.
So the idea that I watched it with the eye of wanting to ruin Dave, there's nothing I
wanted more than it to be the funniest thing I'd ever seen.
It hurt my feelings.
Just me.
Sorry, I haven't talked about it on a pod yet,
but he seemed really angry at the end.
Remember the very end?
He was almost crying angry.
And I was like, oh, damn.
We talked about it just recently on a Patreon,
but it's weird, the obsession with the one thing.
I feel like it's...
I was glad when he was like,'m done talking about it because i was
like great because there's no way he's this is from my experience with reality tv and trolls
where i've dealt with like a large amount of it yeah he seems to me like a guy who's been stuck
in the comments that's great you're stuck in the comments everyone's had a youtube video
and you think that it's all people think of you.
Yeah.
And in that YouTube video of people saying a certain thing, you actually think the whole
world thinks that of you.
You become obsessed with it.
You think that's the only opinion.
Like reality TV, Bravo is such a small niche thing, but at some point I'd walk outside
being like, oh, these people think I'm a hoe because I did this.
Because I was in my comments all morning.
And I know he said Twitter's not a real place,
but it's like,
yeah,
then really believe that.
Cause he's not believing it.
He's been in his comments.
He thinks all these trans people are out to get him.
And he was trying to do a fuck you to them when everyone's like,
Whoa,
Dave,
there's way more important shit that you could have.
Not that it's not important,
but like to come for them.
Was that the most important thing you could have done?
Yeah.
That's such a good point.
I just think it's his perspective. i think he's been stuck in the
comments and that's a really that's a really good point and i don't know maybe it's quarantine we've
all been on our computer a lot but i've had to consciously be like your whole perspective change
is when you change the energy that you're consuming yeah it's like if you change your
instagram feed you will have a whole different perspective on life yeah i told you someone who
kind of like got me who like on twitter tried to like drag me for something and then i saw them in
person at a comedy show and they're like 24 and i'm looking at them kind of doing okay on stage
and i was like i was scared i was scared in the moment i was like worried and i'm seeing them
there and i'm like what what were we doing because it's so easy when it's virtual for you to make a storyline in your head.
Because believe me, Dave Chappelle is not the biggest hurdle that trans people are trying to overcover.
Yeah.
Well, that's such a good, I feel like that's one of the best takes I've heard of him saying that Twitter's not real, but being like, then believe that.
Because you're right.
How many trans, you said this,
how many trans people is he running into in Ohio?
On his private estate.
He goes, yeah, Twitter isn't real.
But then he goes on to say all the things that people are saying about him.
So I'm like, so you are reading it and you're taking it for reality.
So yeah, that's my two cents about it.
Are you, do you feel you're, did you right now on TikTok,
I had this pedophile joke and it's
a good joke like it did well but the comments are wild yeah and there's a way where i'm like
trying to look at them like exposure therapy i'm like yeah look look at this people are gonna
they're calling you a pedophile even though the joke is very sound it's okay look outside you're
fine are you out of the comments do you feel you learned or do you do
you still get wrapped this is a problem you will come a time especially as you get more popular
where the trolls will drag you down you have to be up for them to drag you down so when you're
just doing normal comedy shit that people aren't seeing oh yeah you might a couple this isn't funny
but when there's a movement against you which will happen eventually in your career where it's a different kind of feeling where
it's going viral where people are getting heated to take you down in a type of way
that's when you want to look so bad to be like how bad is it is it still going did us weekly pick it
up did these people pick it up because you feel you've lost control and that's when you're like
fuck i have to look at it but if you posted something and it's not getting any traction, but there's a bunch of shitty comments, there's no need to look at it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I only know.
But also when it's getting bad, don't look at it and call your people and say, can you guys manage this?
Because I need to go to therapy right now.
That's good.
That's my two cents on just when shit goes bad
in entertainment.
Was there one thing
that was like the worst for you?
Was there one?
With reality TV
sometimes the reality TV
crowd
is different than
a comedy crowd.
Yeah.
I did have an instance
where
I was like
in a bad light
on my reality show
and
there were a couple people
who had been trying to cancel me for like
six months,
just throwing shit at the wall.
And then when you're having like kind of a bad character moment,
it's easy to be like putting people in black or white.
Like she's,
she's amazing.
I love her.
Or like,
Oh,
she's horrible.
Cause then in,
when I was having bad stuff happen to me in a storyline on
reality TV you could have been like Hannah's murdered children and people
have been like she of course she did yeah anyone will believe anything in the
worst sense of it and even if I did do something kind of bad it looks so much
worse in the context of like when you're looking bad on a TV show yeah did you
ever feel especially since you did it it for how many years? Five? Three.
Three.
Just three.
I started season three.
We were talking here just about the editing.
I did one competition show for CISO and I was like a new comic.
Yeah.
And I was talking really fast and I had like one punchline every two minutes.
Yeah.
And they then edited it.
They even took out the few inhalations I took.
So it was even faster and even more crazed.
And then they cut to the judge like.
Yep.
And I thought like, whoo, man.
It was such a good reminder of like.
You lose the nuances.
They, these editors can, I would love, it would be cool if they took a reality show,
had two different editors like make you love or hate two different people with the same footage
interesting because i feel like they could easy it's so easy just music you were talking about
like i was saying like that that i what stressed me out so much about if i was on a reality show
is that you find out how production or producers or whoever feels about someone because the music
underneath sometimes they're like like this is an idiot this is an idiot yes
a normal conversation with like means like you're fucking up where if it was yeah
you're like oh he's sexy oh it's crazy but it's and you think i'm not that stupid i can decipher
who's a good person you actually can't and the most fucked up thing about my experience even
though i'm very grateful for it was that my first year it was a good year it was solid my second year incredible i was like it was
i was the funniest you know truth-telling strong vulnerable version of myself so you gain trust
yeah so you're like i'm going in i was like america's not gonna hate me like i'm not too
i don't start fights too much i don't i'm not gonna be that much drama yeah season three that's when they get you because you're in
deep relationships with people you have deep trust in the network and then if enough people want to
turn on you it is very easy and you're not i'm like yeah america knows me i could stand up against
this guy i could call this person out and if you've enough people
and confessionals talking shit about you it's so easy to fill in the the gaps like someone goes
hannah's not hanging out with the rest of the group cut to them showing me get up to go the
bathroom done yeah done yeah i do feel like hannah's always shitting i do feel like you
could have some different angles i i do feel like sometimes yeah uh it's and sometimes i've ibs fuck you guys
out of the stress from the show yeah i mean i do feel like sometimes it's more obvious than
others too and i feel like um i was watching something recently where i was like this seems
russ was a big reality i'm a big reality guy he's seen all of your show i've seen the show
and so my wife and i wasn't anticipating everything yeah so but what's also interesting
about reality and i was telling you this too is it doesn't stick in your mind like other things
sometimes where you're like where you're like i watch this you're not like so invested it's easy
to like it's like you know you have it and then you forget you know very 15 minutes of famey bravo actually edits so you can start an episode at any time and pretty much get
the feel for what's going on they do a ton of flashbacks they keep it simple and as i was a
comedy video producer before i started so i like was very like into it all and i knew about it yeah
um but i saw a reality tv person once told me they were
like whoever when you're watching you think you hate i guarantee they're not as bad as they really
are and whoever you think you love they're not as great as you think they are right and with reality
tv sometimes if they don't have great storylines that's when you see a big like downfall of someone
because that's like the go-to if there's not good storylines let's just rip someone apart because hate always works there's a thing of like let's this person is is either not playing in the
way that we want them to so we're gonna fuck with them yeah and and i feel like i was recently i
don't know if you watch below deck i felt like that has happened i think you're the only one
who watches below deck is one of the top ones but it's very like water in the background of a yacht
like in the it's easy to just have on in the background.
But I like it when it's not that dramatic.
I like when they're just trying to do their job.
Yes.
You're like, get the shrimp out.
He needs the shrimp.
They're boating and I just like that.
I don't like the romance stuff that much.
I like it when they're just trying to do their job.
But there's been times with both chief stewardesses where I felt like Bravo, especially with Below Deck Mediterranean, I felt like Bravo was fucking with her to be like, because she wasn't playing along.
And they kept throwing shit at her last season.
And it felt gross where I was like, this person, it was truly just trying to do her job.
But it's funny because that goes two ways.
When Bravo's pissed at someone, either she got away with it where everyone was like,
this is too much.
I think everyone's ganging up on her and we actually like Hannah.
Yeah.
But then something could happen with Summer House where it's like everyone's ganging up
on me, but they've made it look like I deserve it.
For sure.
But then also with the villain, I do think sometimes people will play up to like kind
of a villainy thing.
They just don't
know the extent of how bad it's going to be but then i also think there's a type of villain who's
just someone who's the only one who's speaking the truth and everyone else is like no no no no no
and they and then that person is feeling emotion and they're struggling because you're getting
gaslighted in every direction and then you watch the show and you're like yeah i i also i had a question too about the but i have
seasons that i've watched of shows and been on that i've been like that's pretty pretty real
yeah it really depends on the chemistry of the cast how much storylines they have going on um
because i've dealt with both sides of it yeah well as a as a casual viewer i felt like the only thing
i remembered from your last season was that
it felt like you were in a relationship
maybe you were like
it's one of those things where I feel like it's a weird
was this to your now fiance? it was COVID
so I felt like wasn't
the two years before you guys were just doing it on the weekends
and then it was like a full time thing
which is also like a weird mind thing
so we went from this was the pitch
Russell said he didn't remember anything about the show
and now he's broken down every episode.
I was revisiting episode two of Super 5.
Because I'm a professional.
You said.
I'm a professional.
I was revisiting before we came here.
Oh my God.
Well, this is the pitch.
I was like working at this company, Betches.
I was writing like memes, tweets, doing funny videos, interviews.
Like it was my dream job.
I call it Betches Bootcamp.
It was when I first started to like learn about joke writing in a way and performing and someone was like do you want to
do summer house and i'm like what is in there like we show your job during the week and then you go
out and party on the weekends in the hamptons and i was like i just started a podcast and i'm like
you know what this could be good it's better than whatever whatever we're gonna try right
everything's going great at two great seasons and and then their covet hits and we're basically stuck in a house for seven weeks
together and i had just got a talk show on bravo like it was a big gig and that's was probably my
downfall yeah and it's hard to say that but looking back back, you're like, fuck. Why was that the downfall?
Well, because there was probably.
There's a lot of egos on the cast.
And it really, it's way more, it's Squid Game.
If you don't have a certain amount of people that'll have your back when you're not in the room, you're fucked.
I just, Russ doesn't watch Squid Game, but today I told him I was just like a bunch of people got shot.
Yeah.
And that's all I really said. So when you said that,sell's like well not not quite like i know exactly um uh i did have a question about reunions because uh that is so stressful to me
um because i'm like first of all like i mean you know we've all gotten in tiffs with friends
um you know john marco you've obviously you've many you've gotten you know you've
john marco you're fighting i've heard your feelings before uh you know i i've been frustrated
with you but you're someone who's not confrontational but like you would you're you're
talking head i'd be like jesus it'd be a nightmare i'd be like so yeah i would be
because i'm not confrontational either but that's crazy. But I cried. I yelled. I did all of it.
That's what's crazy about the reunion is that you're like, okay.
So you, and you're a funny person.
So you would be in your talking heads and saying what you feel and blah, blah, blah.
And if you're not confrontational in real life, it sometimes looks worse.
So, but the idea of then you're in a room and I don't know how long those reunions are filmed.
Because I feel like people watch and they're like, ah eleven hours exactly that is such an uncomfortable what's also hard is
our season we filmed and we were all good at the end of the season like the real the real filming
it's done we're good but then we don't see each other for a while because of covid and you're
watching so then it airs six months later and then as it airs you start seeing shit and it's not like
oh these people said this behind my back that's one part airs you start seeing shit and it's not like oh these people
said this behind my back that's one part of it but it's also how it's being told so i started
going on pot i was going on podcast i always do like five podcasts yeah just what i do and people
would bring stuff up and i'd be like we legally can't say certain things but i was fighting for
my life like i was out there being like look i'm responding to things like that was response to something and the cast was not happy that i was like in the public not just sitting like a dead
dog with what was going on yeah so then we show up to the reunion and their only argument is like
you're on podcast saying shit and i go what did i say but they're not saying it because that would
mean they'd have to say what really happened yeah Yeah. So then I'm sitting there just like,
okay,
you guys are mad.
I was on pocket.
You guys are on podcast.
You guys are saying to any professionals.
And it just became a fight of like,
we're mad that you were on podcast.
Not a specific thing that I said.
And then when enough people are just mad at you,
you're just like,
cool.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If any,
I feel like this is a reality TV show.
Like obviously I'm talking about the drama
yeah
Andy Cohen literally was like
wait wait wait
Andy Cohen goes
you all are ass shady stuff
about everyone
cause that's how we fucking
make money
yeah
well that's my thing
that girl was mad
cause on a podcast
I said she was scary
and everyone's scared of her
it was a joke
like it was a funny
off camera comment
I'm not like coming
for their like family
but that's the thing
isn't like ultimately deep,
like how much is real
and how much is you kind of guys going like,
this is gonna be a good scene.
This is the prop.
Let's yell.
Let's call each other bitches.
No, this is the thing.
You think that you'd be like,
yeah, let's just play the game.
I could say to you like,
hey, let's get into a fight.
Like I'm gonna come for you.
And then while we're doing it
I say something that's a little too far and then you go this on national TV and then you think oh no like
Whose side are they gonna take and then or I might be like hey
I have to say this thing about you, but producers are making me do it and in your head you go
Are they or are you just being a cunt?
So like you have this meta reality where you don't know if it's produced or
not produced.
Cause they're also like certain people are trying to fuck you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like imagine if after a fight,
I go,
I'm sorry,
producers just made me do that.
And I walk away and you go,
did they?
And then their producers like,
I didn't do it.
Like,
no,
and the producer will be like,
I never said that.
I never said that.
And then you go up to them and you'll be like,
why'd you say that?
They go,
you have no storyline
I'm giving you a storyline
and then like it's just
it gets really messy
it is a fucked up social experiment
it's like a
it's a social experiment
I remember Omarosa
was the villain of The Apprentice
and like she was the asshole
people were like
ugh
and she did the best
I don't remember
like the villains can
spin it
that's also the thing
with my last season
I had a lot of drama
I thought I was being
a feminist icon during it
turns out it aired and people were like she's crazy so i just love you in the summer house like
i'm doing what ruth bader ginsburg did no literally i was in my own way and i realized
now maybe i wasn't the right fit for the demo and i wasn't the right no like actually well
like i went in i tried to be like i heard that when you go on reality tv you kind of have to
it's like a group scenario.
You have to fit either.
You're like the hot one.
You're the drunk mess.
You're the truth teller.
You're the leader.
You're the villain.
You're the likable.
You have to fit in that.
And I came in, I was all over it.
Like, I'm like, women can be strong, but women also could be, have depression and women also
could be funny and they also be athletic but also be like farting.
Wait, you're saying the other people didn't like you?
While you're saying women can't do this.
Well, I think from an outsider,
it seemed like everything was great
and then something happened in the third thing.
But I really watched it.
Everything was like the first two seasons.
I really just watched it being like,
it seemed like you were,
oh, here's the thing. It feels like a healthy thing for anyone in reality tv is an expiration of like i did it i had fun and now it's time for me to transition out of this because some
people stay too long and it becomes seems like it's like a very unhealthy thing you choose it
over your real life you start making just i got off the show, probably wasn't good for me.
That wasn't,
I wanted to just live my life.
Yeah.
And also if I want to actually be a respected standup comic,
you can't be in reality TV for too long.
However,
the way it ended for me,
didn't expect it,
didn't love that.
And they're all about redemption.
They're always like,
don't worry,
even if you burn
we'll build you back up so you also have that trust that like it's a story it goes you'll have
struggles we'll show you messing up but then it's about how you solve your problems and for me it
didn't really end like that yeah and my first two seasons were so great that it's not like you ever
talk to the producers and go like hey guys what the fuck you said like do you ever have those conversations with the people i can't get into that sure but but yeah let's just say some of them were my
best friends like this is three years of a yeah job yeah like three years of co-workers yeah and
um but also this last season being like the drama person, I brought a lot to the show.
Like other people didn't have to do as much cause I was speaking up for myself and shit.
So I thought that would go farther than it did.
I have that athlete mentality.
Like I was a tennis player growing up, so I'm very coachable.
I have put a lot of pressure on myself to do well.
And I went in and I'm like, I'm going to do the best job that I can.
And that was hard for me to fathom
once I left the show being like,
wait, I did everything that my little girl brain knows
brings success.
And instead it worked against me.
But ultimately,
sometimes you could put something into a recipe
and it's always going to taste bad.
Yeah.
So my thing was,
I'm still actually overcoming the like trauma of reality TV,
but standup comedy is saving my life right now.
Cause I'll walk into the stand and they'll laugh about it.
And I'll see how it's such like a small niche thing,
or I'll walk into the stand and someone will see me from the show and be
like,
wow,
this is what you're meant to do.
This is who you are. Yeah. Even people on the cast have seen standup with me and been like wow this is what you're meant to do this is who you are yeah even people on the
cast have seen stand-up with me and been like oh like you don't you're not actually a but anyone
could do reality tv yeah i think stand-up can be like i'm sure the first couple minutes and you
talked about it briefly having this reality tv fan base the first couple minutes can be like
this is the person the same way that if a famous person comes in a stand-up club they get a big round of applause yeah but then after two minutes
or three minutes it's just if the jokes are working or they're not talks about that like
they'll give you the first couple yeah not even give you the first couple i find sometimes when
i go on stage people are observing like tv uh-huh and a lot of people also have no expectations like
they have no idea because they never showed my stand-up on the show they didn't know that i've been doing it for a while
so they come to the show because like we're gonna see hannah they don't know what the fuck i'm doing
yeah so some people are like oh it's easier because it's your fans and i'm like these fans
are on a it's a different it's a different medium they might come in with their perspective like
hannah's you know like she cries a lot like yeah on a reality show when i was stuck in a house
for five weeks and that ain't funny cry cry also they couldn't go out to restaurants and
the whole fighting started because i didn't i said early on they were like okay we have to be clean
we have to be clean and i go i'll take out the trash and i knew that's just setting up for like
let's see what that story does i was trying to be a fucking feminist being like i'll take out the trash. And I knew that's just setting up for like, let's see what that story does.
I was trying to be a fucking feminist,
being like, I'll take out the trash.
But as everyone knows-
I tell Tova all the time, I say,
honey, take out the trash, be a feminist.
No, the feminist leaves her body
when the trash actually needs to be taken out.
Because it's also quite heavy.
We had 10 people drinking rosé.
And so I'd go and it'd be so heavy.
Bottles, bottles.
And it was an upside down house.
So the kitchen was on top.
So you had to take it down three flights of stairs.
And then outside the mansion, there were more stairs.
And it would be dark out.
Long story short, your girl did not take out the trash as much as I should have.
But also, it was a volunteer job.
I wasn't getting paid.
So it started off with the guy being like, you fucking lazy piece of shit. I wasn't on the, like, I wasn't getting paid. So it started off with a guy being like,
you fucking lazy piece of shit.
You haven't done the trash.
And that's how the season went started.
And that was the hero of the show.
Yes.
This guy is a good man.
Yeah.
No,
I think,
I think,
I think it's great.
I think I'm happy for you because I do feel like this is a good thing.
It just is like one of those things where in people,
and also I think people watch and they forget that it's real people and uh and i think people sometimes
in the thing can forget that they are real also people forget like the previous season it's so
funny i was hooking up with this model who like definitely was bad news but i was very empowered
like i just want to fuck a model like let me do my thing and everyone's like yeah let hannah do her fucking thing and people were loving it and then the next season we find out
he's not that great of a guy and everyone starts calling me crazy that i'm in love with him because
i got upset when he like said some fucked up stuff and did some stuff that basically when you're
watching a show we're always talking about how we're gonna look so i'm basically like you're
playing me like you're gonna make me look bad and as someone who i've been close to for over
a year this hurts but anyway i end up meeting the love of my life on the show but somehow america
hates that they don't like that story yeah i don't know if they don't like it but i i do feel like it
was it was never it definitely was it didn't feel like i don't know bravo It didn't feel like, I don't know, Bravo. They didn't want people to like it.
They wanted, again, it's the silly music thing.
They wanted it to be like a little like, like, oh, she's dating this.
It was the love of my life that I regained to you.
And they were like, they're gross.
They had sex in a bathroom when we didn't actually have sex in a bathroom.
So it's, it was a journey.
And I do have to say, I don't know how spiritual you guys are.
It's a pretty nihilistic podcast, I would say.
But it's fine.
We've had all sorts of debates.
Have you guys ever had an ego death?
Is this like an ayahuasca type thing?
Almost, yeah.
No, my ego is thriving.
It is raging and pulsating.
Jesus Christ. It is erect right now.
Yeah, I had,
I like to call it like an ego death.
Like reality TV is very based
on just like fame and money.
Like you get treated like the Beatles
when you walk outside sometimes
when it's like you didn't,
you really didn't do much.
And I mean,
you did put yourself out there
for a lot of ridicule,
but it's basically like an ego death I'm going through where something that I was just like using purely for ego has been taken away as like kind of a challenge.
Sure.
To then like step up more and be like, OK, we're making like pull off the fancy skin.
What's actually there?
So I'm going through some pain and I'm trying to trust that like this is learning and like have faith that this is the path
you're supposed to be like, you know, people are like, it wasn't meant for you.
I'm like, how do you know that?
But like, I know deep down it wasn't meant for me, but it's my ego hurt.
Yeah.
We've dealt with two.
I, I, we've talked, I think, briefly about it.
We did a show when we first met.
It was an interactive, like off Broadway play.
And I was replaced by vinnie from the jersey shore
it was like a super italian character and like i'm sure like i just feel like reality stars probably
the stories some go great right now my spin class is taught by someone who's a long island princess
or something some reality show she's now a great spin teacher she seems good vinnie seems seems
some of those jersey shore people had a rough go of it.
I know Mike, the situation is in jail or not.
Well, it was before they came back, too.
But can you tell the one Vinny thing?
They also love a redemption story.
Can you tell the one Vinny story?
Oh, and this is no shade to Vinny.
And I'm not going to get specific.
We reached out to see if he'd be on the part.
I'm not going to be specific about the story.
But so there was a time in the,
in the,
in the show where for the like 10 minutes at the beginning of the show,
he and I would just be like backstage talking before talking about bitches.
And we,
and he told me something that week before he told me about this person that
he had hooked up with and a porn star.
Well,
I wasn't,
I wasn't going to thought that was specific i'm not gonna
name names there's a lot of porn stars that's very but i don't know is there a video we should
watch no he could be married i don't know his story but anyways yeah this is he was single at
the time uh so he told me the story and uh and so then uh and it was just like a quick like offhand thing. I was like, oh, so the next week we're at the show again.
And I asked him if he had been talking to said porn star again.
He goes, he goes, is that going around on the blogs?
And I was like, oh, on the blog.
No, you told me.
I was like, I was like that thing of like being like, no, you you told me like he thought
that it was like a rumor going around the cast and like people had seen it on on page six or whatever and i was like it was just this
thing of like oh man that's where his head is at like and i was like i was like no you you've
actually just told me and i haven't told anyone until now
you're like it will be on the blogs now or tiktok is definitely gonna pick it up
it's it's this like fear because with the highs you have the lows people say there's like light
and dark to everything so like when you're i got to the point when shit was so heated with my stuff
like people were passionate about being like how does the worst this season i woke up and i'm like
please no one have my name in anything and like like whenever as an entertainer, do you want that?
Yeah.
I got to the point where I was like, if another thing is written about me, I can't handle it.
Because you're like, they're in a narrative.
So you start getting scared that like if something goes around, it's the beginning of like five days of shit being talked about.
And then if reality TV, that means people use stuff against you.
The network is like, oh, people care about that.
Let's talk about that. Yeah. So you just you you have no personal life and I'm not a private person.
Yeah. I don't ever, am I a private person? No, I will talk about anything. And I was at the point
where like, Oh, you have to protect things though. Like you have, when you're in a, I'm in a
relationship and I've, I got engaged and I put on Instagram the amount of stupid shit people say
that like everyone would say,
but normally you wouldn't see it on your page.
Like say it to your friend,
like getting coffee in the morning,
like,
Oh,
they got engaged fast or something.
People are like,
I'll give this three months or like he's fucking gross.
He's old.
She's,
he's,
she's chasing him for clout.
Like just as many possible insecure things you could have.
Yeah.
And,
um,
I hate these pods where i end up just being
like people are mean online because it's a specific let's just say that when i see people
hating on people now online i have a whole different perspective i used to be like oh this
is this is tea yeah this person fucking yeah but it's like no no no they're just your flavor of
the week yeah because people just negativity is way more exciting than positivity
so like any story you hear like that person's not a terrible person for and i also feel like
they also sometimes like i feel like in your position you'd be like i'm right i'm out of it
like like like they've moved on to other things blah blah but then sometimes it's a weird thing
like they find ways to like be like just random ways to connect to bring it back oh yeah like on a big this friend group
basically like pushed me out because which was weird because i had like brought so much to the
show i didn't have any actual beef with them i didn't do anything actual to them like they know
what actually happened and i got like uninvited to this wedding that happened like months later
uninvited he uninvited me the first that happened like months later. Uninvited?
He uninvited me the first fight about the trash.
So I knew that shit wasn't going well.
The wedding happens.
My DMs are just flooded.
That's what I was like. Are you at the wedding?
Why aren't you at the wedding?
Oh my God.
And then memes like Hannah not invited to the wedding.
And I'm just like, why?
Like you're just a prop for people.
Yeah.
You're a prop.
And they don't,
and you just have to decide.
But like there's something about comedy
that is just so different from all of that where it's like if people see my show and
it's not for them i'm actually okay with that it's when people see me put in a certain light
and a certain narrative that other people want and then you don't like me from that
that's what i've been coping with. For sure. Let's take commercial break here.
I am so dreading groceries this week.
Why?
You can skip it.
Oh, what?
Just like that?
Just like that.
How about dinner with my third cousin?
Skip it.
Prince Fluffy's favorite treats?
Skippable.
Midnight snacks?
Skip.
My neighbor's nightly saxophone practices?
Uh, nope.
You're on your own there.
Could have skipped it. Should have skipped it.
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okay i i did want to check before we get to our segments because i i did i did read about the the
tennis stuff and neither of us were huge athletes in our youth i was yeah you were a football
football but how many years uh i mean i was an all-star i was i played in yeah what what number i was an
all-star i was an ernie davis all-star uh new york uh upstate new york oh shit yeah what number
in the nation were you she was top 250 oh that's true you were just at buffalo that was
international baby oh yeah Buffalo was so fun.
I have a whole bit about how shitty Buffalo is.
I realize they have pizza logs there.
What's a pizza log?
Exactly.
It's just like a thing they have in Buffalo where they put, as an Italian, they're rolling over in their graves.
But it's like mozzarella, pepperoni, and then an egg roll.
Oh.
Egg roll, like a traditional egg roll, like fried?
Just fried on the outside egg roll. Then the inside is like Italian. I'm like, do you realize this isn't like a like a like a traditional egg roll like fried just fried on the outside egg roll
then the inside is like italian i'm like do you guys this isn't like a thing like this is just
your guy's thing and then it went right through me when i had it in the green room but um were you
at the funny bone helium helium and buffalo buffalo they love the bills more than anything
because it's like a small town has their own professional team.
So whenever they'd turn on me,
I'd be like, go Bills.
And they'd be like.
What's your experience at Buffalo?
Oh, I just shat on it.
Well, I lied about taking a plane there
because people just know Buffalo.
Buffalo like is a place.
It's a funny name.
Maddie Smith had gone there.
It's a funny name.
It's a funny name.
I joke about the smaller a plane is,
that's how you can tell
how shitty a city is going to be.
And then I just shit about
how small the plane is.
But I get a lot of people
being like,
Buffalo,
yeah,
I'm from Buffalo.
It sucks.
Or I'm from Buffalo
and it's good.
But I took the train there
and it was like
an eight hour train.
It's amazing how big New York is.
I always forget.
It's like an eight hour train
and you get to the station
and there is a Buffalo
statue outside of it.
I was very confused because to get there, I had to take a plane to Detroit and then fly over.
And they got a text that I was in Canada.
And I'm like, where the fuck am I going?
It was a journey.
They didn't have a connecting flight.
You got a text that you were in Canada?
You're now in Canada.
Use this data plan.
Like I got a little alert.
Oh my God.
And I had no idea where I was.
I landed, took a nap.
You get on stage.
You have no clue where you are.
But I did find out they don't go to Niagara Falls.
It's like their Times Square.
And then Buffalo Wings are just wings.
Really?
Yeah.
They're just wings there.
You don't say Buffalo Wings.
I went to-
Like French fries, but not really.
A Buffalo-
Well, I was in Buffalo and I went to a wing convention like a at bill's
stadium you went hard yeah well i had a friend who lived there and i was visiting and uh we went to
like this wings convention at at the bill's stadium and uh it was 95 degrees in the summertime
and they had uh they had women talk about they had women wrestling in blue cheese at this event.
At least it wasn't hot sauce.
I just remember.
It seemed like it was going to be a fun thing,
and then you had a few wings, and it was awful.
You thought it was going to be hot.
When you say it, I'd do it.
I think if it was 75 degrees, 80 degrees,
but it was so hot.
The blue cheese is boiling as they wrestle.
Was it sexy? No, it wasn't supposed to be like were they wearing bikinis no no no i think they were like i think they were wearing like t-shirts and like it was not like it was
nothing that was supposed to be sexy it was just like people got their ass kicked you know yeah
it could have been like men doing it too before i but i just remember there was like a it was
two women when i saw it and uh uh i just remember it was i remember having to i remember having a really bad shit in buffalo
bill stadium and there was no ac there's no way there it went through i mean you go you pay to
get in you go for a couple hours because some shits will make your day no it was one of those
too many wings in 95 degree heat and you're in a bathroom
that is even hotter because there's no windows and it's it must be the worst bathroom in the
whole world my god also i didn't try the wings and when i got there and people were all upset
and i'm like i don't know it's a chicken wing like how different could it taste how wild could
it be yeah like yeah yeah wild that's what you want because buffalo wild oh yeah um
how wild but we digress about buffalo anyways anyways buffalo uh so so just just to talk about
the downside of being i i had a friend who was he was a soccer player and he was like very good
at soccer he was top i i guess you guys who if you have these numbers to say you say yeah he was top
150 in the nation at some point and then he went to stanford for it and like i don't know how these i don't get the whole
concept because he did for like a year and a half also it's hard with teams too where like
oh how are you 150 like tennis it's because i beat people that i'll get a ranking where i guess
it's like scouts or stats because you could be on like a really good team so it's easier because
your defense is better that you like get more goals fuck i don't know anyway yeah so you what age did you start playing i started playing playing at like four years old by eight
years old my brother said he didn't like it that much and gave me his lessons and i got a real coach
at eight years old yeah i also got told that i'm too old to go professional when i was like seven
and apparently i cried the whole
day which is like interesting that a kid was so passionate about something at such a young age
yeah I wish I had had that I quit every sport I ever played I quit the swimming team because the
pool was too cold my dad said my dad said you're absolutely right, son. Way too cold. Good for your dad. Good for your dad.
No, no.
I think it was the worst thing.
People say that to me.
They go, I wish my dad pushed me like you did.
I am that.
I am that.
It's like, what would you rather?
Your dad be like, it's okay?
Or your dad care way too much that he's living vicariously through you?
That one.
No, there's got to be a balance.
There's got to be somewhere.
And it's funny that you said the downside, that your friend quit swimming.
I'd love the stats of how many athletes quit in college
because I did all my years, but it's tough.
I never understood why you quit.
I understand soccer, professional doesn't make the most money.
Because it's emotional, physical torture.
But you get to be the best at something, man.
But in your head, you're playing against the best also,
so you could be the worst or the best in your head.
Do you think if you had your mind now and you could go back?
Yes.
Do you have the body that you could be like one of the best?
Okay, great question.
So by the time I was 14, I was ranked top 15 in the nation.
And I moved to Florida to like go pro.
Top 15 of 14 year olds?
Of 14 and unders.
Okay.
Okay.
Of all the 14 year old girls
running around so then i and i went and then i started playing internationally there but shit
is tough because i recently watched i watch a lot of documentaries a lot of sports documentaries too
you basically have to be so fucking crazy it's like marathon runners how they're like they're
amazing and it's like they're not okay what What are they running from? Like, it's too extreme.
I know we're crazy with comedy.
We found our next obsession.
They say comedians are either addicts or athletes,
which is quite interesting.
I don't know how you feel about that.
I mean, I would feel embarrassed to call myself an athlete.
But you have an addictive personality.
You can get addicted about it.
I would call it more obsessive than addictive.
Oh, that's a good point. That's the word I i would use so you have to have an unhealthy obsession to be like
really good at things it's definitely unhealthy yeah i will say unhealthy yes absolutely it's
funny because society like whenever you see like someone who's like so good at chess it's like yeah
they have like no family life no friend life other things suffered but they got that like greatness
um and i was all in with tennis i was playing playing six, seven days a week, six hours a day, like all that shit.
I had a low mental breakdown at 16.
Then decided to.
What do you mean?
What does that mean?
I basically was just like crying all the time.
I miss my family.
My coach was like changing like my grip and on my forehand.
I wasn't feeling confident.
I got some yips.
So when you moved to Florida, you did.
Your family was.
No.
Still. I was alone
oh wow
what's a yip
for two years
a yip is like
like
a second baseman
forgets how to throw
to first base
and they're a professional player
like I've suffered from
does it stand for something
or it's just
it's called the yips
I don't know if it's
the yips is like
like Tiger Woods
had the yips
Simone Biles
kind of got the yips
yeah yeah yeah
it's a thing that happens to athletes.
And I think it's correlated with anxiety for sure.
Where like you think of the worst possible thing.
Like I'm like, what if I can't hit a second serve?
And then it happens.
Like you psychologically can't hit a second serve.
Yeah.
So I was like battling a lot of my own demons.
But it's also at like such a high level that like people are still like, yeah, she's winning a lot.
But in my head, I was just battling myself all the time
so long story short you go to I got a full scholarship to University of Wisconsin and
You're kind of just playing to not lose your scholarship
You just get threatened all the time like if if you don't get to practice
Like that's a strike and you could lose your scholarship. So in your head you're like that's
$300,000 my dad and mom would have to pay.
Is it more about being on time or is it also if you lose too many games?
That too.
Is that allowed?
If you're losing a lot, it's like, what the fuck are you doing?
You're being paid to be here.
But they made the gamble.
Exactly.
They made the gamble.
But also in your head, you're like, I want to make all Big Ten and I want to do this.
But tennis is hard because it's like stand-up. You're only as good as your last set like it literally feels like that and
it is also quite similar to stand-up where you're traveling alone yeah and you have the variable of
like the crowd or the person you're playing against like if they have great serve that
really complicates things for me yeah yeah and i've so i kind of feel like i found my tennis
but in something that i feel is mine not
like for other people you don't lose as much i mean you could have a mediocre set you could you
nailed it though like tennis even like when you're playing um team sports you're like yeah fucking
steve fuck that game up yeah you could convince yourself like it's not me i did what i had to do
where tennis you can't blame anyone you can't call time out you're just like i'm a fucking loser
and the score is up and it's like she's better than you you suck where stand up i'm
like oh that was a learning experience or i'm like you know the crowd just was stupid yeah yeah so
i've just enjoyed this like new career of mine because after tennis i lost my identity too like
i was a tennis girl since i was eight. Yeah. Until 21. Yeah.
Did it take you a long time to like figure out your relationship with tennis now?
Like was there a time where you're like, I'm not playing tennis at all?
Oh yeah.
Like I had, you have to like really distance yourself and then find your way.
I think gym strike is a thing a lot of athletes do.
Like they finish and then you're like, why am I going to the gym?
I'm a fucking loser now.
I'm a has-been what am i working
towards like i used to do this to be a champion now what am i fucking doing like carry the groceries
from the car to take out the cans down three flights of stairs i'm such a loser and ever i
mean everything just takes time are you over the pain entirely or do you ever I went to college for musical theater and there's still times
when I see
I'm not laughing at your pain. Sorry. I just I just forget that you like sometimes
Like you're to be a leading man. It's true theater. Yeah, but I I'll see like people singing and
You know, I'll be home and I'll like
people singing and you know i'll uh i'll be home and i'll like and i'm like oh maybe i still have it or like but it's gone but it's gone like literally like whenever i play tennis i'm like
am i going back on tour yes because obviously there was something that made me really good
and i'm now playing so free where like i have no none of those you're playing someone who's like
this the first time playing you're like i murdered that. I'll hit it one shot and be like, that was, I need to get back on tour.
But I mean, I cried a lot because I was thinking about, okay, you put your whole life into tennis.
And then afterwards I was burnt out.
I decided I didn't want to go pro because like I couldn't necessarily afford it.
Tennis is a sport where you have to pay for all your travel.
You only get paid when you win. Imagine if the Knicks only got paid if they won. So I was like,
I'm not going to do it. I'm quitting. And then you're basically like, why did I put my entire
life towards this? It was a lot of the whys, like I tried my hardest. I deserved it. I did everything
I needed to do. Why is it happening to other people and not for me
Why am I not on tour
Why couldn't I get my head together
Could you have had a
I could have been top 500 in the world but that's not sustainable
You're not making money unless you're top 100
And I didn't have the confidence in myself
And I didn't overcome a bunch of like
Performance anxiety battles
Cause I'm talking about like little things
Cause Dennis
If you saw me hit and another girl top 300 hit,
you couldn't really tell the difference.
It's like the little mental things of like when it's deuce,
I'll double fall.
I'd go further with my eye.
I think I could see you and someone's first swing.
And I couldn't tell that I have no eye for who's doing good tennis and
who's doing bad tennis.
But it's interesting.
Cause like now that I'm away from it
and I even think about you,
like,
you could always put together
a one-man show
that involves singing.
Of course,
and I have inserted it
into...
Don't, don't, don't.
Don't.
Well, that's the beauty.
It's like funny you asked
if you want to hear a clip
because I've been working on it.
And he presses the button.
Just like right there,
right there.
And he presses the button.
Well, that's the beauty there, right there. Well,
that's the beauty of standup.
People will be like,
you're acting,
the acting in your standup
is so good.
I'm like,
yeah,
I'm the Daniel Day-Lewis
of standup.
I did see you
in Hustlers.
Yes,
that was.
I did tell all my friends
that we were besties.
I was like,
yeah,
we're like,
that's like my comedian guy.
We see each other all the time.
Like,
we need to catch up, but like, yeah, he up but like yeah he's hilarious that that's the direction
the exaggerating of the friendship went
but you did crush it i thank you thank you it was a very fun part but what you said is right like
i think my experience i now see my experience with tennis has helped me like first time i did stand up was 10 minutes in front of 250 people which is
psychotic some would say um institute where caroline's yeah it was like that's probably me
too it was a it was a um it was a podcast show they were like let's do a live podcast my friend
was like do 10 minutes of standup.
And I literally just like took some tweets and was like, that's a punchline.
That's a, that's, you know, a premise.
And I just kind of divided it into like food jokes, relationship jokes, farting jokes,
and like winged it.
You're describing my current style.
You're like, that's me today.
Well, yeah, I haven't really evolved if you really want to know um so i had this people like how are you not shitting yourself and i'm like because i'm not second serving against duke with like
my team on my back uh-huh and i was like this is fun for me yeah so it like gate and i also have that like
stupid work ethic that made me good at tennis and i just yeah i say to people just because you didn't
really succeed in something but you were good at it like you were special and you're not going to
not be special in other things and i feel like that's like with you with stand-up like the
whatever made you good at musical theater you you're putting that right into standup.
Maybe not the exact,
not the exact song or singing,
but it's the same like stage presence that made you good.
It's the same like love of performing and shit.
I don't know.
I think there,
there is a very dark timeline where like,
if I make it in standup to a certain degree,
like in my sixties,
I released like a God,
Jamarcus,
a raisey sing Sond sings on time no i am so
about that like i'm so about that i don't pretend you're about no listen listen i can see in the
thing of like i i always do welcome and love when you're uh surprised by like because also i'm too
close to you so i know you like if i didn't know you that would be a weird interesting thing okay like
i i think if you found any of your favorite stand-up and you all of a sudden they were
going to release an album of songs you'd be like i'm curious i'm at least curious well i'm coming
from a think of me yeah i'm on fucking reality tv so i hate when people put people in a box i hate
when it's like oh you haven't been doing stand-up for 10 years in basements you you aren't meant to do this like think of like dave yeah he like made
rap songs and then just wrote a full sitcom yeah so like i hate when you put people in boxes like
you have to do these levels before you do this like like not to be like my fiance but he's a
comic in ireland who wrote a a hip hop musical and then did a
documentary about like learning Mandarin and doing it and stand up.
Like he doesn't have any like boundaries.
And I kind of love that.
And I think with you too,
like you think creatively differently.
So like,
why the fuck not put your toe in other things?
Of course.
This is the nicest guest has ever been to me.
I got to say,
I'm an enabling friend.
Like someone's like face tattoo.
And I'm like, why not? But like, I really say. I can't read that from that I'm an enabling friend like someone's like face tattoo and I'm like,
why not?
But like,
I really love
when I see stand-ups
like sometimes
it helps your creativity
to for a second
stop thinking of the same
like punchline type thing
and be like,
what if I wrote
something weird?
No, I agree.
I like that too.
I'm specifically saying
I don't want you
to write a Sondheim album.
But anything else?
William Finn.
William Finn.
I love William Finn.
You've talked about him a lot.
He's very Jewish.
But also look at TikTok with you.
Yeah.
Like how many comics two years ago would be like, TikTok is not fucking real comedy.
It's so fucking stupid.
If you believe them, I was like, no, I'm just going to put my head down and keep doing what
I'm doing.
And now I'm getting called a pedophile by millions.
Millions of people.
The opportunity.
Oh, my God.
All right, let's go to our.
This has got to stop.
This has got to stop.
Do you ever, this has got to stop for us?
People saying the word essentially.
I think that it means nothing.
I think it's stuck up.
And I think it's an assault on anyone trying to make a point
and just elongates things and i don't have that kind of time what what does someone like how do
they use it with their essentially if they say you can put it anywhere and some people do it's
kind of a and i i gary start every sentence that you. Essentially, what you're saying is, yeah, I see what you're saying.
And people do it.
Yeah, these phrases, mine for me, and Gary Goldman did a whole bit on it,
and now I hear it all the time, it's at the end of the day.
And I say it all the time still.
People do have their...
At the end of the day, essentially, Gary Goldman, his bit is basically,
so at the end of the day, what matters is family. so at the end of the day what matters is family what's
the beginning of the day cocaine and hookers like what do you what the fuck are you saying
what's your schtick that you say um i don't know what uh i noticed this i've said this before but
one time i noticed that i was i said granted a lot um but i noticed that i was saying the wrong
word and i i noticed it and then all of a sudden i
realized i was saying granite and i was like countertop for years yeah for years i then all
of a sudden when i when i heard myself do it i was like oh my god for years i've been saying granted
but i've been saying granite and i must have sounded so fucking stupid and no one's ever been like you just said granite
like instead of granted and uh that now I I always hear it when I if I do say granted
I always think granite um but I don't I don't know if I have phrases I I didn't realize that
you had at the end of the day that doesn't I I say it sometimes and I think people are essentially
just a kind of a amalg i know when russell didn't
russell didn't get it for about two seconds there you're just like what are people essentially
but it also is one of those words like like you sing at the end of the day it's like whatever
but essentially has this like such like they're judging you when they're saying it they're like
essentially you're fucking stupid yeah um Did you ever this guy to stop?
I don't. Do you have one?
No, I don't. You guys had one job.
Sometimes we just do the guess. Sometimes we come up with
one. This is what I don't like. When you change
Just come with some in the back of your mind.
I have one.
You have another one? What's yours? I had one too.
You go first.
My quick one is that I think we
can't create any more national days uh there's a
lot of great ones and i don't want to begrudge any ones but i think we we've maybe oversaturated
how many national days we have and that that it feels less special that every day is is a national
blank like day like i feel like sometimes i log on and it's had national adopted
stepdaughter day and you're like that doesn't feel that special so i feel like i feel like all the
ones we already have great keep them keep them but i don't think we should create any more because it
feels over saturated to do it i feel like you just have to like you contact someone like someone
created a national stassi schroeder from vanderpump rules national
ootd day she made an official day and that's it as a in a past life i was a social media manager
and you have to be like oh what do i post today so there's a calendar yeah it would say like this
is national chihuahua day this is national you know chips and salsa day and then you would just
do something about that and do the hashtag yeah it
feels like it's it is now partially for for brands and corporations to sell things so you are like so
we feel that and so you're like i just feel like we've we've you know we can we can work with the
ones we already have yes you know that's a good one do you have one yeah this is really this is obnoxious if if this is so gross if if i don't
i don't do that much acting work these days i'd be happy to be booked but sometimes they have you
on camera and you go up for breakfast and all that's there is pastries and as oh my god and
i'm like listen oh my god i'm obsessed with you are. I'm in front of the camera for a reason.
And it's because this is not the breakfast that I eat.
It's like some intern who doesn't understand the commitment that it takes to be on camera.
Yeah.
Made a quick decision.
Where are your egg whites?
Your carrots?
Would you do a granola bar?
I'll do the granola bar.
But sometimes I have junky ones.
I'll do it granola bar but then but you know sometimes i have like junky ones like i'll i'll do it raw i'll get by you don't understand when i started acting i did a
investigation discovery do you know that channel it's just like all murder shows
and these were shoots yeah i do i watch that cable when i'm traveling all over and i would be paid
fifty dollars for three days of work you'd have to die and stuff. I'd have to die. And it was horrible.
You'd get raped.
Yeah, I was usually the raper.
I love how he didn't want to say the word.
And they would, like, for lunch, they'd just get you a pizza.
And so for me, there's just something.
You've got to have a healthy option
and and sometimes people say they're vegan and then they get a healthy option and i'm i'm leaning
towards just being like i'm just gonna say i'm vegan so that like you gotta there's got to be
something and i want to be fair for lunch they don't make a chicken cub salad and you're like
but i'm okay with they don't make you like fill out a physical to get the vegan option can't you
just say yeah i want to be like, do you have any allergies?
And I think I,
and again,
the thing I'm talking about,
they went out and got more things.
Yeah.
Because I was just like,
I'm going to go,
I'm going to come back.
And I didn't say it aggressively.
I just said,
I'm going to go,
I'm just going to go grab some,
an omelet next door.
And they were like,
oh no,
we'll get it.
But this is the problem.
You're still like working for them
and you want them to like you so you have to decide do i just take a croissant to the face
sure or do i cause a little drama and but this was smooth this was this was the thing i'm talking
about but they were nice yeah they were nice it was something where like i had to be like on
and they treated me like hey whatever you need cool maybe they respected it more like this
guy's serious about his shit yeah i don't love when they have the healthy option and the unhealthy
option because i immediately feel judged like is she down to earth or she wanted those and i'll
take the muffin and i'll be like i'm cool and then you know i have a sugar high sugar low it's a
whole thing yeah but if the unhealthy option's there, I do want it.
Yes.
Well, that was, I just, you know, I worried that was, you know, it is arrogant to be an
actor because you're like, look, I gotta, I gotta deliver with the moment we go.
I need.
You're like, what if I have a sugar low around Jennifer Lopez?
That's not going to bode well.
Yeah.
And the pastry's always left out.
No one's eating them.
No.
We're all very health conscious, but like, I think they're probably cheaper you get like oh 24 pastries yeah yeah
yeah i mean remember duncan donuts that was just the answer for everything growing up
yeah like every birthday party donuts to the face just that's not sustainable for a long-term life
and it's always so cold coffee's always so cold and you're like just don't
cold coffee's always so cold and you're like just don't um i i know i know listen i'm not here to look good i'm here to look honest i didn't come here to make friends but now something nice
you're blushing you're gonna carry a blessing we'll close it out with you so you can take some
time to think um i got uh one quick one and then one I want to talk about first, my friend,
Jeff Rabinak,
who listens to this podcast.
He's a,
he's a brilliant,
he's director,
writer.
He directed our,
our sketch for matzo pizza.
And I had some trouble with Adobe premiere.
I'm still doing a lot of clip stuff and he,
he's willing to get on the phone and talk me through that shit.
There's so much stuff.
I'm like,
I should have just gone to a class because I'm doing it like, like not understanding it
and just clicking things.
And I must've spent hours just like,
just fucking up left and right.
So there was that.
I do want to say, so Jeff Rabanek, you're great.
And he listens to the podcast.
He's very, very sweet guy.
But my, my blessing is I,
I've taken Ambien a couple of times prescribed.
I've taken Ambien and I've always been scared like my mom's
always like I always be scared if I had like a beer
four hours before I start freaking out I google it
someone died they drank took Ambien
died in an earthquake and so
I and my mom's like just
my mom's like I drink and take Ambien every night
and I'm like that's nuts
that's nuts
but I finally
yeah but i finally tried it all you're clear yeah but i finally um
like talk like ask the doctor all the questions about like will i die if i do this and then the
and i feel more comfortable with ambient and i guess ambient one of the things is it's not
supposed to be i was worried about getting addicted and they said ambient as opposed to
a klonopin ambient is was created so you don't get addicted. Bottom line is
I've been taking it a little bit more frequently. I had
a shoot where I had to show up at 5 in the
morning and then they only had
pastries. But
I took that Ambien at 10pm,
10mg and man,
it feels like heaven. If I'm ever going to kill myself
it will be with Ambien.
When you wake up
from an Ambien and you're in this little
ambient haze nothing feels better is it because it's hard for you to fall asleep when you know
you have to get up early yeah but this also like i'm adjusting my sleep schedule suddenly but i'm
not a great sleeper and uh tova famous my girlfriend has night terrors and um and i just
have anxiety we've played them they've gotten so much better it's ruined this podcast we
used to have so many nightclubs we don't know what to talk about but uh man man ambien it's uh
have you ever taken ambien i'm one of those people who has anxiety too and i'm so scared
of any drugs i have panic attacks with like caffeine panic attacks smoking weed i'm like
for someone who partied for a living
on tv i'm like the least party girl ever um so no i've never taken ambient but maybe like a wild
one night for a flight no i mean that would be that that would uh stress me out so much trying
for first time on a flight it's like driving like if you start too late you're gonna be too scared to
do it it's like i've never done cocaine and i'm like why would i try cocaine at 30 then i'd like
cocaine like why so maybe that's it also side note i remembered a saying that my friend said
she always says not for nothing but she says it about everything and she's also not like a mafia
type person we're like i said no for nothing she's just like like a mafia type person where like I say not for nothing.
She's just like
a waspy girl
who just goes
not for nothing
and I'm just like
this is not
I wonder where she first heard it
and it was like
exactly
and she says it
like not for nothing
I'm having a croissant
and you're just like
that wasn't
you might as well go
I'm gonna have a croissant
it means nothing.
But anyway
if I ever do Ambien
not for nothing
I'll let you know.
Yeah yeah yeah trust oh my god oh it's such a good feeling croissant it means nothing but anyway if i ever do ambien not for nothing i'll let you know yeah
yeah yeah trust oh my god oh it's such a good feeling i mean really i'm not a drug but like
something about it i'm like this this will be my downfall oh it's so has your girlfriend done it
she takes i don't think i'm speaking of a turn she takes i believe it's klonopin and this is
partly with like the night terrors and like it's
helped a lot with that so but she's also like a good sleeper and it's really tough i don't know
in your relationship like to have someone who's a good sleeper and be a bad sleeper there's a
feeling sometimes of like frustration or anger sleep chemistry is something and i'm awake talk
about enough she wants to like she wants to snuggle to go to bed but like if i don't read if i don't read something about the act of reading turns like lessens my anxiety so she'll
want to snuggle but then i'm like well if we snuggle then i have to then then like once you're
out then i have to go read it's adding 30 minutes so i do crosswords before i go to sleep the new
york times crossword I should try that you should
try that highly recommend I'm with an older man who got me into it and I'm like this is nerdy and
then I can't do a Monday and I still can't puts me right to sleep because you're trying so hard
and you're just like what's that word and then you fall asleep I'm I get it I get I'd be like
fuck fuck what the fucking word god damn it I can't fall asleep until I get this word
get the fuck up it gets easier every day that? God damn it. I can't fall asleep until I get this word. Tom, get the fuck out.
It gets easier every day.
That's the premise.
It gets harder every day.
Monday is the easiest.
So you just said you can't do Monday either.
No, no.
So Friday, what happens?
You just draw pictures?
Oh, I haven't touched it.
He's like, you're struggling with a Monday again, babe.
And I'm like, yeah, I'm stupid.
I thought they say if you keep doing it, you get better because you learn how crosswords
are done.
Hasn't happened yet for me.
I don't think that's...
It's about knowing random shit.
Crosswords, they like certain words.
For example, they love the word emit.
There's four-letter words that you'll know,
that I'll know, but if you do it for the first time,
you'll be like, what fucking word do they want?
I'll be like, emit.
They love that word.
Blessing.
Me.
Oh, so we hired a trainer for our dog and he's people.
Um, I know.
And he, uh, he's, he's so good.
Like, it's like, it's like, it's like, well, I thought he was going to be good, but the
training, he's getting everything so quick.
And it's like to the point where, you when you're like you tell him to like be
on his little place you know his little his little mattress like that we keep by the balcony
he will not move from there is he a baby uh he's three he so he was in a shelter for like for like
when you adopt him uh two three months ago so i have a lot of questions i'm very into this topic
yeah no he's amazing he's he's he's very sweet and he's he really wants you know when you're like
oh you really want to listen also you're you feel a little bad because you're like i mean he's not
at home so he is like trying to like be like good and like listen and like but he is and it's he's
taken to the training so quick and he's great on walks and he is like he learned fetch so quick
and drops it right he's what's his name? His name's Ziggy.
He came with the name Ziggy.
What's interesting is you feel like you're kind of dominating them.
But some dogs want to be dominated.
I didn't mean to get this sexual, but you know what I mean?
No, they want to.
They want structure.
And the trainer brought up a good thing.
With pit bulls, they have so much energy.
You're never going to out-energize them physically.
So you can go on all these walks.
But you really have to play with them and do mental stuff with them to tire them out because he needs the mental stuff because they're
like where they put the thing with peanut butter in it that's like impossible to get the kong yeah
so during um quarantine when i met my fiance he was fostering pitbulls which is like hot kind of
like you're like if you could train that pit bull yeah you can handle me possibly
and these but i just learned that pit bulls are the like sweetest animals have you watched the
michael vick documentary oh my god you're gonna be crying hysterically it's basically about how
these pit bulls they try to be like we have to kill all these pit bulls they're all monsters
and they're like no no no they need therapy they're just abused animals and they show these
over months of them have been treated right like some of them can't go near stairs because it
reminds them of where they had to go to fight but they're just such loyal creatures they're so loyal
able to they were sorry i know a lot about pitbulls they were america's like family dog in
the 1900s oh i got rebranded to be like bad boys yeah Yeah, yeah. Well, there's a, and there's a, there's a, you know,
yeah, they've had bad branding.
And, but I feel like I didn't have a Pitbull
until our last dog that passed away.
But when I, when I had our last dog, I was like,
oh, this is what I always want because they are so loyal.
They're so loving.
Like they just want to be on you, like staring at you. And, and like, it's so, they're so smushy. just want to be on you like staring at you and and like it's so they're
Working on a stand-up bit right now, and I don't have a punchline yet
But it's about pitbulls because we adopted a 15 year old senior pitbull. Oh my god. He's like Brindle his name's Romeo
He is the cutest but so energetic and we're like, what were you like when you were two?
You know my god, yeah, yes, but he's so cute
And we're like, what were you like when you were two?
You must have been a pain in the ass.
But he's so cute.
But people are like, oh, Pitbull.
And so I did research.
Turns out 75% of dog bites are not necessarily like specifically Pitbulls.
They're unneutered males.
And then I did research into like violent crimes with humans. And that's 80% of it is unneutered males.
So it's just a dick cutting joke.
But there's more to it i don't
know where we're at i like that that i like that the crowd tightens up a bit when they but the
truth is is that pitbulls are just like incredible animals that have such a bad rep yeah well and it
is funny too talking to people about training because like uh you know some people also have
dogs and they're like like oh that's great like it's going so dogs and they're like, like, oh, that's great. Like it's going so well. Like they're like, our dog is crazy,
but you're like,
your dog can be crazy
and can bark a lot
and can like nip
and like,
but my dog can't
because it's like a,
it's like a,
it freaks people out
and rightfully so.
And,
and so it's like a double.
I think little dogs
are so annoying
because no one trains them
because they don't have to train them
because what is it going to do?
What's it going to do?
Just be annoying.
And you can just yap
and bark and blah, blah, and you're fine with with it but my dog barks and it's like it's
an issue everyone's like what the fuck is that when you're walking down the street you know
people will cross the street because you're walking a pit bull what's funny is my wife in
our neighborhood we live up in inward in our neighborhood uh a lot of pit bulls and uh it's
like a it's like a oh they got a pit, great. But in one time we were babysitting
one of our friends, like designer dogs
and people were like, what the fuck is that?
Like it was like the-
Do you know pit bulls are not allowed in dog parks?
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
Like that's fucked.
It's wild, yeah.
Fucked up.
What's the color scheme of your dog?
He's light brown.
All right, well thank you for listening to the dog side.
We have one final question to go man it is so funny as a person without a dog when dog people
get going you just kind of sit back and you're like all right you know what's funny all right
here we go i'm crazy i'm actually a cat person oh i love cats i have a cat too i mean you know
wait are your cat and pipple friends uh they they ignore each other and that's good because the dog would be more interesting marco that was
that's good that's good what's your blessing oh my god has nothing to do with the dog
it's so funny i told myself i'm like i do better under pressure so i haven't thought about it and
i just thought about it aquaphor is this the
is this the thing i'm grateful for is that the thing i put on my lips when it's chapped yes yeah
i have an aquaphor bottle people don't fuck with aquaphor as much as they should because
chapstick i'm convinced the conspiracy theory that like a they know you're gonna lose it b
it makes your lips like addicted to whatever's in it we're aquaphor they're not
playing that game they're like here's a huge tub of it and put it on your lips and i do think
as things dry out and it gets colder new york city putting on aquaphor will change my whole mood
because having dry lips can ruin a day yeah the way you're so seriously watching right now,
like I'm giving a TED talk on something.
He's like,
yeah,
not for nothing.
Aquaphor slaps.
I know.
Tova and I,
we both got chapped lips.
We've been using Aquaphor.
I'm happy you guys are both on Aquaphor.
I thought I was going to convert you,
but we don't have to.
Do you use anything?
I don't know the name or,
I will use a thing where my wife says you should use something right now but i would definitely introduce me to aquaphor yeah
but yeah a lot of people don't know about it and it's important to get through the i like that
about chapsticks though because i i've gone to a point where there's probably 20 chapsticks just
around like i have enough it's it's uh a there's enough that like I can just be like
where's the chapstick oh it's here here's one yeah there's enough yeah but they are very small
but like what do you think people did before chapstick and I know it doesn't seem like an
essential item but did you just walk around with your lips bleeding that's I'm sure it's gross
or were people fine because they never got addicted to chapstick sure well that's the
other thing about like people who didn't shower and eventually you're fine after 60 days. You don't smell Oh
Yeah, there's
Documentary like that there's there's about people who don't shower that like your body
creates something where you stop smelling too bad, but they're definitely like a
Time period where it's it's gnarly. I've walked around New York City and I don't think that's true.
I've never gone a day without showering.
Have you ever been in the subway in the summer?
It's not true.
Yeah.
Smelly time.
Well, Hannah Burner, anything you want to plug?
I'm on tour right now.
HannahBurner.com.
B-E-R-N.
I'm going to West Coast.
I'm going to be in Florida.
I'm going to be in Marylandrizona um and then follow me up
being burns on all platforms and then listen to my podcasts giggly squad and burning in hell
and um my family i'll tell you about them too no i'm just kidding
uh russell you want to plug the uncle function show uncle function november 4th uh thursday
november 4th at asylum NYC.
Ooh,
that's fun.
Um,
me,
uh,
it's always on the Instagram,
but I'm headlining in,
uh,
Norwalk,
Connecticut,
October 30th headlining in,
uh,
Honolulu,
Hawaii on,
uh,
uh,
November 3rd,
please.
I,
I don't know if we have any Hawaii listeners,
but send it to your Hawaii friends.
Um,
and see uncle function
of course and just look at my site oh well headlining a dc comedy loft thanksgiving weekend
i grew up in maryland so please cool well normally i get all these people from high school middle
school but i'm finally at that age where they all have started to have their own families yes and i
don't know if they're going to be going home or their parents have died and i'm very nervous about the turnout yeah so please november 26th
november 27th dc comedy loft bring the kids fuck it i don't give a fuck yeah i think it's important
uh uh you know um not for yourself what was that have a night for yourself yeah i'm sorry i was
still talking about yeah no i i was it's fine it's oh you're doing not for nothing i was trying
i was really doing a great wrap up.
I try to end every episode.
I blocked you.
I'm so sorry about that.
The closer I just shat on it.
Well, not for nothing.
At the end of the day, pit bulls, like every animal, are essentially killers just looking out for their own well-being.
And if they were starving starving just like human beings
they would eat you this is the downside
one two three
downside
oh my god
downside
downside
downside