The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #46 Sweetgreen is Too Expensive with Dana Donnelly

Episode Date: October 26, 2021

Our guest, comedian Dana Donnelly, once tweeted that Sweetgreen was too expensive and got a $100 gift card from them but that may have had more to do with her 170,000 Twitter followers. She joins us to talk about my struggles to buy my girlfriend a gift in a Michigan sex store, going on a first date where he finds out mid-date that his best friend died, flying home from college without knowing for sure if your dad died, quarantining with your boyfriend and sister, telling your younger siblings that their memories are not real, growing up in Palo Alto and running into Mark Zuckerberg, and why the hell Tacoma wouldn’t change their name after The Tacoma Method. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join The Downside Patreon for early ad-free episodes the Friday before they're released on Tuesday, two BONUS episodes a month (AUDIO & VIDEO), + the good feeling inside that you're helping keep my delusions alive. Follow DANA DONNELLY on twitter & instagram Listen to DANA DONNELLY's podcast Young Old Find DANA DONNELLY's upcoming Funnilingus dates HERE Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Fawn Sullivan, Paige Asachika, & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

are you guys co-hosts well he's a host and i'm the produce no you're the co-host yeah but like you're like a lowercase c yeah yeah yeah my name's not in the thing okay i do the research i do the research so you're like has andy rector yes yes yeah is that is that fun yeah that's fine he's one of these people that like i don't like the pressure problem. I won't know what's the problem until like the deathbed. Oh God, I got it. God, I got it. He's saving all of his grievances. I mean, there would be, if there's like large financial things involved, then we would have

a discussion. So money is your hot button. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right now. I mean, when it comes to, I mean, not all money when it comes to debt.

Yes. You are solely my. Yes. That's yours. Wait, who's debt? What? My debt. Oh my God. Well, like these things cost a lot of money. You are. Only my. That's your. Wait. Who's that? What? My debt. Oh, my God.

Well, like these things cost a lot of money. Oh, this is. This costs money. I mean, yeah, this looks like there's a lot of startup costs. There's a lot of buttons. Yeah. Did you have any venture capitalists? We just like shifted.

Yeah. Move these cameras. That's another. And then I want a neon sign. I'm thinking of getting individual chairs. Was there a problem mounting it or what's the stucco? Right there. No, that's just.

I wanted that. Okay, cool. I added this random white i love it looks great no it was falling out of the wall i get i get comedians uh i hire comedians for like my things right and uh i found most of them are not like the best right at the craft well they're not like task rabbits yeah but the task rabbits have you used task rabbit not like that much it's expensive it is kind of expensive yeah but i think it's like you you get your gut you get what you pay for yeah yes like if you hire like a 27 an hour task rabbit like it's better like if you have a comedian instead of a task rabbit i pay them in five drink tickets and this is what you get um well uh welcome welcome to the downside let me just play this back real quick and it all worked welcome to the downside uh my name is cheer marcos erasium here with my overwhelmed co-host russell daniels yeah i'm sweaty ran from the train you did we

shot out of canyon let's do it it was a mistim. A mistiming was sent to our fantastic guest who was very kind about it. Very chill. No worries, Russell. You didn't have to run. No, that's okay. I'm sorry. If you believe you me, it was not,

it was not, I don't know if it could fall in the category of running. It was, it was, there was, it was brisk, but it was mainly walking.

I never want anyone to be brisk on my account. Like to see you're like, I literally, I realized I've only recently started being on time to things and I like made a conscious choice to do it. But I'm like, every time people are late for me now, I'm like, is karma for like all the times I was hours late

to meet other people. And so I accept it. That's good. I'm chill, I'm chill, yeah. We have some friends who are consistently late. Yeah. That was me for a really long time. And like a couple weeks ago, I realized it made me

so stressed and I was like, I can't do this anymore. I have to be early. It's funny. I feel so much stress being late for this for you or being too early for you. So there's a window of 10 to 15 minutes where I feel like if I get in there, that's my money. But I feel like if I come too early, you're going to be like, like showered. You're still showering. You're still getting ready.

But I wouldn't, but I wouldn't, I wouldn't know. It's definitely worse to be late. You know, I don't want to be late. But like you, you feel you're more than welcome.

You could come two hours early if you wanted to. I sometimes come and I'm like, you're still very much like getting ready for your life. You're, you're, you're like, you're in a shower. If you said,

Hey, can I hop in there real quick? I'd be like, yeah, let me get this soap off. You got it, buddy. No, no, no. I could use a rinse. Yeah, I're in a towel. If you said, hey, can I hop in there real quick? I'd be like, yeah, let me get this soap off. You got it, buddy. No, no, no. Russell could use a rinse.

Yeah. I could use a rinse. But yes. What? Do you mind if I just introduce the guest? Oh, yeah. Sorry. No, no, no.

That's it. I'm done. We're here with stand-up comedian, writer, Twitter star, and sister to another famous sister of a star. What's your sister's name? Her name is Eve. Eve Donnelly. And who has more Instagram followers?

She technically has more Instagram followers, but I think her engagement kind of sucks. This is the downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi. Okay, well, welcome.

Thank you. We'll get to you in a second. Thank you for being here. I'm struggling. I want to, you know, I've been on the road more, doing stand-up. It's very exciting. And I have a girlfriend, and I'm trying to,

I thought it would be cool, every time I'm on the road, I'm gone. She misses me. I miss her, of course. And I get her a gift. And I did it one time. And now I'm struggling each time to figure out like a new cool gift.

You get her gift while you're on the road, bring it back. Yeah, I feel like I'm gone for five days. I'm making a little money. Do you try to like bring some character of the place you're in? Yeah, all the guests that he's supposed to have. That was the plan. That was the plan. I'm making a little money do you try to like bring some character of the place you're in like are you like that was the plan but then you go to like Royal Oak

Michigan and like what am I gonna bring back a white person lifeguard Royal Oak yeah and she's not I don't think she's into like the shirts or the plates so this time I decided there was a sex store that someone had told me about the

the the guy who kind of uh managed the club not not the owner but the bounced and and sat everybody and um it was called like leather something he really pitched it to me he was like this is a cool leather place it was just a sex store i guess like in in royal oak michigan it's like this is the place here i'm like there's this you know we have pleasure chest what are the other sex stores here pleasure chest is one i think the luxury here you don't have to know the name so you're just like you know there's there's yeah like yeah and we have like trashy ones we have like upscale ones we have a whole range yeah so i just like went in there and i'm like let me get something something for my girlfriend and i i just i didn't know what

to do i didn't know what to get i don't know like i'm not into you know a lacy thing i don't know i don't know the right size i have a vibrator i don't know which one and they're expensive and the per i must have walked around the store for an hour and a half and i'm sure like the person watching must have been like this guy's just getting up the courage to finally buy uh something to peg him with. He's just walking around like, maybe that one, maybe that one. And at one point, the woman came up to me,

and she jokingly referred to this foot-long black dildo, and I was like, oh, that's a little small for my girlfriend, and we laughed about that. But then I couldn't get anything, and ultimately got the lamest flavored, the lamest like flavored lubricant that I'm sure tastes like garbage. John Marco, that was a bad time. The flavored lubricant tastes like cough syrup,

but like even like sticky. That's the flavor I got. It was the cough syrup one. Oh, Marco, you spent an hour and a half in a store. It's Dayquil, Dayquil infused. Here's something that was on the counter for 20 dollars i got that and here's even worse this is so embarrassing i'm sorry this is a very vulgar way to start it was a a penis a ring like a cock ring a cock ring which i remember doing once like

in high school with my like first girlfriend you know when you're like doing things oh yeah this is horrible this is the worst it might be better in your 30s. So what? So you bought it? So I bought it. This is Tova when she hears this shit. This is her figuring out what I got because I didn't even give it to her.

I felt so embarrassed by her. Yeah, that's pretty embarrassing. This is a good way to tell her. But I got a candle one time and I can only get her so many candles before. I think candles are evergreen. Like I, like I always love getting a candle.

I don't care how many I have. She tells me, she says the gift means more than what it is. She just wants me to get her something. Yeah. Yeah. So your boyfriend gifts, is he a gift guy?

So the first gift he ever got me, it was a Christmas gift. He got me a poncho. I kid you not. It was the worst gift I've ever received. was a christmas gift he got me a poncho i kid you not it was the worst gift i've ever received like a nice poncho or like i mean like it was a trash bag with a whole no no like it was like a fine for a poncho it was fine it was from world market it was like this like big sweater poncho but like i think it's like he like i he was gonna get me a blanket which would have been a great gift like a nice blanket um but he like saw a poncho and he

was like oh my god a blanket she can wear i don't know what like that thought process was but i opened it in front of him and my sister and my sister and i immediately like look at each other and we're both like obviously horrified and we all just like start laughing because he immediately realizes that he like did not do well and we're just like we're like cracking up hysterically and my sister's literally going like what the fuck like what's the thought process here like why did you get this and so we like walked us through his thought process and we were like okay it's fine like this is whatever like but it was like very funny and then the next present he got me for my birthday was really good okay it was really good i mean he literally just bought me like versions of clothes like he went through my closet figured

out all my sizes and then figured out like what i like to wear so he brought me he bought me like versions of clothes that i would buy myself and like in different in colors i don't normally don't pick and he bought me like little like ugg slippers like that i love and it was amazing and so this is my whole thing and i'm like what the fuck robert fuck you but his first gift was really bad and i was really honest and i was like this is not it yeah and then now the gifts are great. He gets, he gets some great gifts. It is funny. A small change from blanket, which you would have liked to. There's like a, Oh, a walking blanket.

Um, but it, yeah, it does. The translation clothes for your wife. Do I? Yeah. Uh, not a lot, but, uh, I have, I've gotten certain things that worked that I was like sure that she would, she wanted. Yeah. I think knowing, being sure that they'll want something. I've gotten certain things that I was like sure that she would, she wanted. Yeah. I think knowing, being sure that they'll want something.

I couldn't, I couldn't fathom knowing. Yeah. I can't do it for myself. I actually wore, cause I saw you made a, made a TikTok with, well, I know your boyfriend, Robert. Yeah. Robert Schultz. Is he Jewish?

No, he's like very Christian. I know. It's German Schultz, ifz if you will okay he was wearing cargo shorts in this one video oh my god yeah my girlfriend gets in trouble with the cargo shorts she wants me to throw these yeah they're horrible why they're so ugly i mean it's just like such a dad piece of clothing they don't look good i guess they're practical they have a lot of do you think that they'll come around like maybe oh I think like there's definitely already like kind of an ironic

cargo shorts like I have a lot of like boys like boys cargo shorts that I've bought at Goodwill but that's why these women they just want the cargo shorts

for themselves from Goodwill that's the plan I'm like oh he looks better in them than I do or I could wear them if he accepts yeah

I saw when I did the the show with David Cross he had these cool red cargo shorts and I was like cool they're back baby David Cross is my fashion

idol. Oh, you should shave your head. That's true. I might be balding. I don't think so. I appreciate it. But at the top, when I like bend down, it's just like a little bit thinner in the middle. Oh, I don't think so. You should start measuring from your eyebrow to your thing, though.

Because then you can track that. Start measuring it. From your eyebrow to your dick. When you're a kid, you measure how big your dick is. When you get older, you just measure the disc in your eyebrow to your thing though. Cause then you can track that. Start measuring it. From your eyebrows. When you're a kid, you measure how big your dick is. When you get older, you just measure the disney eyebrow and your fucking forehead. Well, I think just if you measure once a year

and you're like, oh, it is going back. And, but then, you know, I think you're okay now. You're in your thirties.

But then you get the medication. There's the hymns. I see the odds on the sublime. Isn't hymns, first of all, I don't know if it's like all, if it's fake or like if it works. I don't know if it works. They look like vitamin supplements and, or like if it works. I don't know if it works.

They look like vitamin supplements and I'm like, what does that do? And then Rogaine, I think gives you erectile dysfunction. Does it? It's one of the side effects.

I have a full head of hair or a working dick. That's pretty brutal. do you ingest Rogaine? Or I thought it just went right on the head. I thought it was, I thought it was topical.

Yeah, but they can still, it travels to your, it travels from the top of your head to ruin your penis? I think that this is something invented by someone who had ED already and then used drograne. If Robert started balding, he has a good head of hair.

He has a good head of hair. Is it dyed blonde? No, it's not dyed blonde. It's just dirty blonde. He's an adult male blonde. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he started balding, how would you feel? I don't care.

Really? Not at all? At this point in my life? No, I don't care. I love him. I'll just be with him forever. I don't care really not at this point in my life no i don't care like i love him i'll just be with him forever i don't care forever yeah how long you guys been together like over two years but i've been like lots of other long-term relationships and i'm like no this is this is it yeah oh my god well we had robert earlier last week and very different story oh he said it's been like a couple weeks take it or leave it well i'll have to watch that

episode he's like if i bawled i'll stay with her i got it you know well hopefully he bawls then um well uh this is your you said your first time in new york as a comedian yes you're digging it you feeling the love um i like it yeah it's great it's great it's just so i'm so tired there's so much to do there's so many trains like there's so many walkings yeah so many steps i've taken what neighbor heard you like 10 miles a day okay so i'm staying uptown at my friend's apartment or it's like her family apartment it's a very cool apartment um but it's like far as fuck so like i've just been like you know it's all transit yeah yeah and any difference do you notice any difference in the comedy between New York and LA?

Because I talk a lot of shit about LA comedy. Really? But all New Yorkers do. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't really notice that much of a difference, to be honest. Like, I think I've had similar experiences. That's good.

That's good. LA was the only place that did open mics that had a DJ. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Yeah. Which open mic did you do that was DJed? I blocked it out. but it was some bar but it was i was like what is this for it just seems like it would be

so hard because of the layout to get around it is like geographically things i mean but if you have a car it's like not that bad yeah but i also think okay here's what my thing about new york is is people are like oh my god it's so great like you can get up like five times a night blah blah i'm like yeah but why would you want to? And like, that's like what I'm realizing. I'm like, I don't wanna do multiple shows a night. That's hell. Like I'm tired.

Like I don't, I'm not addicted to, if like, I think a lot of people have like a standup comedy addiction and I don't think I do. And I think if you have an addiction, yeah, living in New York is probably good for you. But like for me, I'm like, I wanna do standup like three times a week tops, you know? That's nice. I would think uh that i won't say because if it doesn't go well

i'll never bring it up again what is it it's it's just an audition for something but so i was cramming this five minutes and yesterday i think i think i did six yesterday six just five minutes but my god i was i mean i missed two spots yeah and they were cool about it but like it was it was uh it was a grind so you had eight on the books and then you you made eight on the books i lied to get out of one uh and then two others i was honest and everyone was nice but uh yeah it was pretty awful yeah like i spent hours on google maps and you like could i make this and Could I make this? And I must've Ubered.

I mean, I Ubered probably four times last night. Like the kind of Ubers where it's like 20 bucks for a 11 minute ride. And you're like, it's the only option I have. It's the only way for me to make it. I know, I hate also when it's like, okay, train is like 17 minutes, Uber is 11 minutes, but I only have 13 minutes.

And so it's like, I have to Uber then. Well, a lot of times, I can't tell you the number of cars Ubers I've gotten in where I'm like, I should have 13 minutes. And so it's like, yeah, yeah. I have to Uber then. Well, a lot of times I can't tell you the number of cars Ubers have gotten in where I'm like, I should have done the train. You get, you get fucked. You're like in traffic. You're not moving. Yeah.

Yeah. Or you're like, I wish I had walked like half a mile out of like this area and then called my Uber. Yeah. So many shoulda coulda wouldas here. The one thing about Ubers, even though Ubers, they've gotten more expensive.

Like it's one of these things now, cabs are almost better than Ubers most times, but at least Uber you pay up front cabs. almost better than Ubers most times. But at least Uber you pay up front. Cabs it's running. I know. So when you're stuck in traffic you're just like watching

this meter go up and up and up. The stress. Yeah. I do feel like you should learn how to ride a bike. If you're going to be doing like

because sometimes if you're like a mile mile and a half away it's like a weird amount of time you don't have the 20 minutes or so you could get there so fast. Do you know what I mean? And people out here love their bikes if i ride a bike and then

i die because i you know get hit by my dad that's how my dad died not in new york you know as i was saying it as i was saying it to wrestle i remembered that and i was like oh my god yeah yeah on a bike yeah but like but like not in a city wow yeah. Yeah. So it was Palo Alto? Yeah. I did my research. Oh, good. And you were 20? Yes, I was 20, yeah. Where were you in college? I was at college.

Where did you go to college? I went to college in Washington State in this place called the University of Puget Sound. It's just like a liberal arts college. And so your dad, he rode a bike a lot. He was like a biker. Yeah, he like biked every day. day i mean he wasn't like a professional cyclist that wasn't his job but um yeah like in silicon valley like everyone like loves to ride a bike like that's like the new golf um that's better than golf i would say i like that more yeah i mean more dangerous

ultimately well yes i guess you prefer to call her dad. Fair point. But yeah, like everyone just like cycled. He cycled every morning and one morning, car hit. Wow. And you knew who the driver was? Yeah, I did. Yeah. Was it that small of an area or just that random of a- It was just like pretty random, you know?

Wow. Yeah. That's horrible. I know. Like friend or like acquaintance? No, acquaintance. Okay, acquaintance. And how did they tell you?

They didn't. Well, they did. I mean, no, you're dead. Like they did it. They're like, hey, remember me? Now you have better colors. Like right after it happened, they're like, oh my God, hi. Something bad just happened.

No, no, no. How did they tell me? Oh, okay oh okay so I had already it was like a couple weeks before Thanksgiving and I'd already been planning to like visit my mom before Thanksgiving anyway um because I was like going somewhere else for Thanksgiving and uh like the day before I was supposed to fly back my mom like called me and she was like hey you have to come home like now and I was like okay and so i like i literally like was so scared obviously she was like being so fucking cryptic and then i like googled like palo alto wait she just said come home that was it come home yeah i shouldn't say anything else she didn't say anything had he died already or was he in the oh my god because he like died in like seven minutes or something like it was not like there was no time j Yeah. So like, I just like came home and then, um, like it was like, yeah. So it wasn't until you got home.

Well, okay. So I Googled like Palo Alto and then I hit the news tab or whatever. Like you can like, whatever that was like, cause I, my first thought was like, oh my God, what if there was like a shooting at one of my sibling schools? And I literally was like, oh, that would be so fucking horrible. Um, cause like also a couple of weeks before that, my sister had had a shooting scare at her school really yeah at her middle school and so um i was like oh my god there's shootings i google like palo alto news there's no shooting but there's like a bunch of things about a cyclist being hit by a car

and i literally was like i bet it's that but like all the ages were wrong like the reporting was really bad so like some of the reports were like oh 35 year old man and the other reports like 63 year old man and i was like neither of those ages are of the reports were like, Oh, 35 year old man. And the other reports were like 63 year old man. And I was like, neither of those ages are my dad. But I like had a feeling. Cause I was like, okay,

like what are the odds? And then I flew back and yeah, it was that. Were you, were you mad at your mom for not telling you? No, not at all. Cause like,

it's like, so it's like so weird, you know? Yeah. Like. You're also like, it's such a traumatic thing. Right.

Like you can't fault someone for not having the best thing in that moment yeah yeah yeah were you were you close with your dad um like i mean not like particularly yeah but yeah it's like sad sure yeah sure fucking a that's brutal it's so brutal if my parents told me to come home there's no way i just would i would say tell me now i mean when people call me my brother gets so sick of my parents told me to come home there's no way i just would i would say tell me now i mean when people call me my brother gets so sick of it he called me earlier and i the when whenever they call i go is everything okay that's because my mind just goes there yeah i just that's my anxiety well i it's weird no i mean i have so much anxiety but like when someone is so like

cryptic like that sometimes you're just like okay like you know yeah like someone's like no you just please just come home you're just like okay like i don't know someone's like no you just please just come home you're just like okay like i don't know i was dating someone and i think this is like ptsd you could call it but uh she picked up the phone and it was her mom and uh a neighbor who she had grown up with similar age had killed herself and i just remember picking up the phone and her mom was like sobbing sobbing and just like that moment like i just saw what that phone call was and so all i think about is like you pick up the phone if i think anyone's crying oh my god i lose my yeah yeah no it's horrific yeah um i have my i have family members that um it's this thing sometimes where you're like, sometimes family members call too often for things.

Like there's an aunt in my family that calls like, and it's always kind of a crisis mode thing. And you're like, it's not, it's very hard to tell. Well, she's crying wolf. Yes, it's very hard to tell if there's a real thing. Like I've had an uncle die before and she was calling to say about that. And that's, oh, that's a, and then there's been, this is when i was a child too and i answer the home phone uh there was there was times where it's like not a real crisis but then there's like the thing too with like my brother he'll always text and i'm like sometimes you're like you this is a phone call you know

like for this level of like one time we had someone die in our family and he goes did you hear about so and so and i i was like no and he's like they're dead and i was like you should have called on this one you know not not via text just be like did you hear about blah blah just call me and tell me this um but yeah it's just it's a hard thing in families to you know it's i you can never really fault anyone for either of those things. Yeah. I think when you have news that's bad enough, it's like, however, it's communicated to you,

you have to accept because it's like, yes. Like, what does it make a difference? Like re-delivery? Like, I don't know. It's just so, I mean, everyone has their story. My dad, my dad, he, his friend died in a motorcycle accident when he was like 20 or 19. And, uh, he just always tells me his mom called him and just said are you sitting down he said no and she said you should sit down and

that's in my head of just like that would be the thing oh yeah life is so brutal yeah i was i went on a first date with this guy and like we sat down and then like he got a phone call and he was like he's like sorry like i have to take this he goes outside he comes back and he's like so my best friend just died and then i was like oh like do you want to go home because phone call and he was like, he's like, sorry, like I have to take this. He goes outside, he comes back and he's like, so my best friend just died. And then I was like, oh, like, do you want to go home? Cause I was like, I was like, you should leave. You should go home. And he was like, um, can I just like, can we just like stay? And I was like, okay.

And so we like sat and like talked for two hours. Yeah. Yeah. I remember whenever I was on dates and I was, you know, trying to hook up, I would tell my best friend had just died. But we did not hook up that night no the fact that I thought he was gonna leave and then I'd be like maybe that was a lie

but the fact that he stayed that's a lot of weight that's a lot of weight let me distract you from your pain and then I think it like made us feel like arbitrarily close yes and it was like really bad because like we ended up like dating for like three months but he had just gone through this like horrible horrible like loss and so he like

was really like fine at first because he was just like in shock and then he became like so fucking horrible and i was like okay i can't did you go to the funeral um no the funeral was like on the east coast like he like was back okay you're like look it was nearby yeah but if you're gonna travel that's a that's a big thing on a first date. Yeah, it was crazy. That's what, well, Tova's grandma's funeral was, it was pretty early on in the relationship. And, you know, if it had been a flying to Florida,

if she had asked me, I would have done it. Yeah. But it's, that's, I mean, when my grandpa had a funeral, it was belated, but it was recently. And I told Tova, like, don't, this isn't the best way to meet my whole family. Yeah.'t i don't i don't need this emotionally this is not the way to meet them and then she ended up meeting my dad four days later because he had the heart surgeries and it was even worse the funeral would have been a much better introduction to my father yeah um

okay so well we got that you know we've had a surprising number of guests with with dads who have died i know uh ian finance yeah uh ashley ray yeah um and i don't think we've had any with with a mom who's died yet i mean i don't know i feel like there's more debts mom stick around moms are a little more i literally think women are better surviving i mean like women's life expectancy well all three all three the i mean uh ashley's father died drowning, saving, I believe. Her sibling. Her sibling. That's a horrible, that's horrific.

I had no idea. Ian's dad was hit by a train. Yeah. Yours was hit by a car. No. No natural deaths. Yeah. Yeah.

What's his name? Lucas Arnold too. Right. Lucas Arnold. Yeah. That was an illness. Yes, that was. That was an illness. Yeah. But men do. isn't it like four years difference isn't it like their their life

expectancy is like four years more than that i thought it was like i think it's four years sure i mean in my family like the men will die like fucking 50 and then the women are like around like they're 100 yeah yeah yeah i don't know what it is fuck man well my dad he had this heart surgery and that's like the first time like you know whenever my whenever uh like a doctor will ask me like well how did your grandparents die and i don't i don't i never met my dad's dad so i have to i found out the first time i was like how did he die it was a heart attack at like 60 like you know at the age that my dad got the surgery and i was like fuck i know well that's my my dad my dad's dad died of a stroke heart attack at 66 my dad had a stroke at 66 so i'm and he's alive proof that medicine still alive approved uh and that was a couple years ago but uh i'm so like in my now i'm

like just there's like this ticking clock like looking at like 66 like that year like it's too late for your midlife crisis. That year is going to be horrible in my head. Like I'm going to, I'm giving my stroke already like in, in my head of like, cause it's like a weird thing now. Like in,

you know, the narrative that you, that is, you know, created and passed. There was a time when I was in college, I went through like a very existential crisis. And whenever I saw like a tombstone, I'd be like,

how old were they? And they'd be like, if I die, then I'd have this much left. Like, I just just like would always be like what if i have this much left oh my god i mean i always think about like wouldn't it be crazy if you knew exactly how much time you're gonna have left to live because i'm also just like i think about all the time like okay so one of my friends died like a couple months ago like before that he had like been complaining about how he didn't have money and i literally was so sad because like then he died a

couple weeks later and i was like oh that sucks that he was worried about money because he like literally was gonna die in a couple weeks and it's like oh you could have spent all the money you wanted it didn't matter you were gonna die in a couple weeks like and i'm just like so horrible but i'm like oh like if people like you think about them getting a salad i'm like not getting salmon right exactly no like literally like yeah yeah three dollars more or like you're like not wanting to eat something because you're like oh i already had like two ice creams today like i shouldn't like i don't know like things like that or like i don't like i eat a lot of ice cream i was like i was like okay no more ice cream today or even like three ice plans because if you could look at your clock and be like i have

40 more years like i don't need to go to this thing tonight like i would be like in 40 more years that's i'll make it up to this person you know like either but like sometimes you're like i don't know when i'm gonna see this person again knows? You know, I feel guilty to do tons of things. If you had one day left, what's your, what's your go to the, in the day? It would not be a pleasant day.

It would not be one of those things where I'm like having meaningful things. It would just be me running around screaming that I want to live for a full day. Like just being like, have you heard? I'm dying to everyone i i don't know i don't know if i could enjoy the day if i knew i only had a day does that make sense yeah i think it would be really fucking difficult like i think wow so like maybe you wouldn't want to know i think maybe i would i would want like a rough approximation like i would want like hey like give like less than a

year or like more than like 10 years you know like things like that yeah i was on a plane i don't know i was on a plane uh and there was some really bad turbulence and i i like was listening to a good song i forget what song it is but but i just thought like if the plane was going down like people joke like you're gonna try to have sex in this in this time frame you tried to find someone but like in this i was just like no I would just listen to music and like force myself just to dance yeah in my mind I had this like cause like the turbulence

I was on I had just taken Ambien so I was feeling a little loopy and I was just like no I'm just gonna dance yeah no I do think if there was one day

it would be a mixture of of of freaking out and then pretending not to freak out but like doing things like that could we do

you know yeah literally being so manic. Yeah. Could we squeeze in like a quick Patreon, like a short one. Russell's final words. Whoever, whoever lives out of the two of you is going to be paying off the podcast.

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So, okay, so you grew up in Palo Alto? Yeah. And you were there like as silicon valley took over yeah yeah yeah i mean i i um we moved in in 1997 um i was two and then like yeah like i watched it like go from we get it you're young well sorry no need to say any more yeah but yeah like no definitely like i live i live through y2k wow you don't know bubble yeah i watch like people become like really rich like so well y2k you were three four y2k i was five let's say about y2k it was a crazy time we thought maybe world is ending right we thought the world was ending but then as it got closer

people started being like no it's gonna be fine i do remember i was on vacation in florida and we were on the beach and the hotel it was like a disney like it was like a vero beach disney resort thing and they gave us like flashlight they gave us little packages of like just in case oh my god like with flashlights and things like that being like yeah in case the world ends here's some flashlights and a few provisions and uh and so it like, it's not going to end, is it? But everyone at the party kind of was like, you know. I was at a hotel with like a rich, rich middle school friend. His dad like got a hotel room for, I think we were like in fifth grade.

We watched like American Pie like that night. And at midnight, the hotel shut all the lights off just for a second that's so funny it's so funny like it's it's one of those things that like you could get sued for i'm sure but it is very funny in the moment because we all went cutting the power is so funny cutting the power just for like a couple seconds that's so fucking funny people that miss their alarm the next day because you're probably using that old school alarm in the hotel room yeah like yeah that's like totally for people it's okay that is funny that missed their alarm the next day because you were probably using that old school alarm in the hotel room. Yeah,

it's like totally threw people off. It's okay. That is funny. Being late for work was fine when you thought the world was going to end too. Yeah.

Do you feel like you saw the neighborhood really change? I mean, it was already like pretty intense when I got, when I was like there. But I think like,

yeah, like you just like watch people. But I also think, okay, so Palo Alto is really fascinating because it's a bunch of like really rich people like cosplaying middle class. Like that's like the whole vibe. Yeah, like, yeah, like you just like watch people. But I also think, OK, so Palo Alto is really fascinating because it's a bunch of like really rich people like cosplaying middle class. Like that's like the whole vibe. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like literally like everyone lives in like really normal houses. Like Steve Jobs lived in like kind of like a normal house. Like everyone just but they had like security in like normal cars. So like there's like just a bunch of Toyota Camrys outside where his house like when he was living there. And like Larry Page lives there. Camrys outside where his house, like when he was living there and like Larry Page lives there. And like, also it's just like, yeah, like Toyota Camrys around their houses, like in these like kind of unassuming suburban style neighborhoods. It looks like a 50 suburb, but like every house

costs like $10 million. It's really weird. Are the houses big or they also modest? They're like, none of them are that big. Like probably like my, the biggest house that like one of my friends like lived in who was like really rich. It's probably like 3,500, 4,000 square feet. Like, like literally that's the biggest. Are they like. So nothing crazy. Are they like modest looking from the outside, but like inside like. Inside they're like nice.

Like there's like cool shit. But I think overall it's like, what is flashy about it is not the houses or like anything. Like people spend, people are very frugal in a very fake way. Like I don't know how to explain it. Like no one is flashy. Like it's very like anything. Like people spend, people are very frugal in a very fake way. Like I don't know how to explain it. Like no one is flashy. Like it's very like modest. Like no one really

spends money on anything. And your dad was in tech. Yeah. What kind of? He was in like semiconductor hardware. So it like wasn't quite as a boom,

but he definitely like made a lot of money. Did he, did he interact with the Steve Jobs of the world? No, he was like kind of

on a different side of stuff. Did you ever see any of those people? Yeah, he was like kind of on a different side of stuff. Did you ever see any of those people? Yeah, like I mean, I'd see them around. Like we saw Mark Zuckerberg all the time. He's just like around. Oh my God. He's just around?

Waiting in line at the store? Yeah, he like waits in line at the store. Yeah. That's very good. You're a fan over here. He like walks around. I think he like loves like just like existing there. Did you ever talk to him?

No, I never talked to him. That's what I'm saying. These are kind of weird celebrities. There's this picture of me in this hamburger restaurant in Palo Alto. And he's in the background. And my mom was just taking a picture of me. But I think he thought that we were taking a picture of him. And so there's this picture where it's me.

And then in the background, Mark Zuckerberg's looking like this. That's funny. Yeah. If you saw Mark Zuckerberg is like looking like this. That's funny. Yeah. If you saw Mark Zuckerberg, I feel like I'd feel like a weird star. I mean, he's way too powerful.

It's a weird celebrity. Yeah. I mean, he's evil. It's almost like seeing like a powerful politician that you don't like. Do you know

like that feeling of like, oh, what are you doing? You ruined college humor. You destroyed college humor. You destroyed college humor. You ran into the ground. That's the biggest thing. Facebook's done.

You've destabilized democracies, but you ended college humor. I even think, I'm pretty sure, because I had a sketch series that I boosted a lot of Facebook. I think I got money back. There was like a lawsuit, a class action. And I think I got money back because they lied about views. Oh, okay. Good. I'm glad you got yours.

Which is really sad because I had a video that the Showtime, the Dancing on the Subway video got like two million. Yeah. And then articles come out like, these views were all lies. Yeah. You got 10 views overall. Oh, no. Because that's what happened with Cod Humor.

They saw the view count and they were like, shift all our strategy to Facebook. And then those views were inflated. Yeah. It's really fun yeah it's really fun that's so if you ever see mark again i'll let him know i'll give him i'll tell him i'll pass that on it would just be weird to be next to that kind of wealth that's a different yeah because it's it's like so weird it's so beyond like what you can even comprehend like it's incomprehensible money it's crazy did you have friends growing up that were like that

yeah wealthy yeah like i mean like so many people like low-key just have like like like literally like uh had like an early stock like we're part of a company that ipo'd in like the early 2000s and like those people have like hundreds of millions of dollars and they're like literally random people like it's like i don't know and like so many people are so fucking rich yeah like my parents are like pretty like we're pretty well off, but like not like, not like in a incomprehensible way, you know?

Sure. Right. Do you have any downsides to coming from money? Um, no, of course not. No downsides. I don't think so.

Um, I mean like, I mean, okay. So I think specifically Grumman Powell was like really weird. Cause like also like so many people kill themselves. Like I think while I was in high school, I think like seven people killed themselves. Like, your yeah there's like a whole there's an

atlantic there's an atlantic article about this it's called what's the problem with silicon valley and it's literally just talking about the unprecedented suicide rate yeah and like it's also really public so everyone likes to throw themselves in front of the trains in front of cal train in palo alto it's like this one station and so now they have like these like your subways there no it's like literally one train in the Bay Area. Okay. Like that runs like from Palo Alto or like runs from like South,

the South Bay to like San Francisco. Yeah. And why? What did the article say? It was basically just like academic pressure. Like I think, okay, like my friends and I talk about this all the time, but Palo Alto is like literally a weird cult.

Like it's a weird college cult. And the only thing that anyone cares about is getting into like a good college. Yeah. But in a way that's like so intense and delusional and like kids literally kill themselves over it. And then your high school, you had seven? I think so. Like during my four years.

How did they, did they do an email? Did they do an assembly? It was like two eighth graders who fucking like, yeah. Like there was kids who killed themselves before they got to high school. It was so brutal. Yeah. They do like, we had like a lot of like, like moments of silence and like counselor hours.

And then like my school or my high school eventually kind of like kind of came full circle where it's like, you could kind of be like, Oh, I don't want to go to school. Like you could say anything you wanted to the counselors and they like wouldn't make you do anything. Yeah.

That is wild. Yeah. I mean, for me, you know, I don't know if I've been suicidal. Suicidal thoughts, sure. But not in middle school.

I couldn't comprehend throwing myself in front of a train. I mean, I think they literally made it seem like everything was, like, so life or death stakes with, like, grades. Like, if you got, like, a bad grade, like, that's, like, a life or death stake. Yeah. Like, it's a cult. And the parents are also brainwashed. We're all brainwashed. We all, like, not that's all we can think about.

Isn't there a phenomenon? Wasn't there a doc on like the San Francisco bridge too? The Golden Gate Bridge. Oh yeah. A lot of people jump from there too. Yeah, a lot of people throw themselves at the Golden Gate.

Yeah, yeah. I think it's strange. If I was going to kill myself, I wouldn't want to do what everyone else is doing. I would want an original suicide. I wouldn't want to be the eighth person to jump in front of the train. I would want an original suicide original. I wouldn't want to be the eighth person

to jump in front of the train. I feel like there's like, probably every suicide has been done. Yeah, I agree. I don't know. He's like, I'm going to find a new one. Are you going to flip it on its head, John Marco? What's the reversal?

Like, where's your angle? What's the POV? Was that traumatic for you? That's a lot. I remember one guy in my high school's dad. Did you go to any of those funerals um an eighth grader's funeral that's fucking bleak as fuck it's so bleak i don't think i went to any of the funerals i don't know i don't i had my own things going on like i was also like in like multiple mental hospitals like from middle school to high school like it was just a horrible

stressful place to grow up but i wouldn't say like the money was the problem what was your stress from um was it school related stress was like school related it's like environment related it's just like i think there's such an intensity so like everything is met with like just like yeah like there's so much intensity like for me it was like a lot of like it started as like body image stuff but it was like a lot of like depression anxiety like i had like you know problems at home yeah but again money not the problem you know sure sure i mean it Yeah. But again, money, not the problem, you know? Sure. Sure.

I mean, it's just, it's one of those things where people probably look there and they get to have all this money. Why are they so fucking sad? You know, there's all these advantages, but there's still, there's still kids killing themselves. No, like literally it's the saddest fucking shit. Like it's really, really weird. It's so sad.

So you had children. Palo Alto is not where you raised. I would not raise my kids in Palo Alto. Where's your mom now? Oh, she's in palo alto yeah yeah i mean yeah right now she's like with my uh grandma in like southern california but yeah she's dating um yeah she's a boyfriend he's really nice we like him oh you like him yeah he's great how long um like they met the pandemic like in august like a little over a year okay yeah he's really nice though yeah yeah good good good um so then you great. Good, good, good. So then you, so Palo Alto, and you went to college, and where was the college? The college was in Washington State in Tacoma.

Oh, Tacoma. In Washington, yeah. There's Tacoma Comedy Club. Well, I work Spokane Comedy Club. Great. And they have a Tacoma Comedy Club. Yes, they do, yeah. So I'm hoping to get there soon.

Oh my God, okay, well. Would you like Tacoma? It's fine. Sorry, I just burped. It's fine. It's just like a small town. I don't know. It's really really washington is so white and i don't think i was prepared for it so like i'm from the bay area so like being asian is like basically like being white like not really but kind of um and then moving to washington was like very like people were so fucking racist and it was

super weird and i was like so caught off guard by it like i truly was like oh am i not like i was like literally shocked that people like could be racist to me because i was like i truly was like oh am i not like i was like literally shocked that people like could be racist to me because i was like i never experienced anything like it was it was it like subtle or was it it was like pretty blatant like people were just like fucking rude like no one like look it was so weird it was so weird and then i went to like a woke liberal arts college and like people were literally so racist like in a way that was like actually insane what would they do it's just like so ignorant it was just like a lot of white people who like had clubs called like youth ending slavery do you know what i mean like a lot of just like i don't know what you mean okay literally like it was just like a bunch of

white saviors who like would tell you like it's like if i ever said anything about like actually people being racist toward me they'd be like actually you're wrong and here's why like that vibe but you know what i mean and like it was the kind of class too where anytime we're talking about any sort of like racism or injustice including like like mostly against like black people obviously um people would like look at me and ask me for my opinion and i'm like i don't know like i'm like that's not yeah just because i'd be the only person of color in like so many of my classes and there weren't a lot of black people there either no there were probably like five like i don't know there was like no black people see i went to a very woke high school ish but it was in dc so at least it was like a little more diverse right yeah so there wasn't like i mean i'm sure when it's just

white people trying to be woke and there's no it's like an echo chamber it's it's so bizarre and then there's also like a lot of people are so sensitive and if you say anything to them they take it like so fucking personally and it's like a lot of white white savior tears a lot of white tears yeah you ever call someone out like are you someone i literally had so many like fights with people and eventually i just kind of stopped because i was like this isn't worth my time it's not worth yours but like yeah like just making so many like white girls cry because you're like actually that's like really offensive and here's why and like just them sobbing and then the teacher being like let's stop you know yeah it must have been surprising though from having uh not experienced any of that and also like sometimes when you go somewhere and you're like i didn't think it was going to be like this here like like i wouldn't

think of i just never washington on the west coast somewhere like i wouldn't think it would be that you know but it's weird because the pacific northwest like literally systematically like pushed people of color out of their states like in the 1840s there's this thing called the tacoma method which is like literally the method that they use to get all of the chinese and japanese people out of washington and they literally put them on trains like or i think japanese it was like japanese and chinese extermination and they put them on train they sent them to san francisco that's why there's like so many agents in the bay area but they literally kicked every person of color out of the pacific northwest in the 1800s and the tacoma method is that like some laws they passed yeah the tacoma method was like literally yeah like the way that they

got these japanese people on the trains that's brutal if i was the head of tacoma be like well we're gonna rename this place because the method is associated with that yeah it's called the jacoma method so like i was like learning about that i was like oh that provides a lot of perspective that checks out yeah i'm like okay that makes sense yeah so you're happy to be done with college oh i literally hated college so much but but i'm glad i like went i think it was like an interesting experience i also think it was the first time in my life that like like low-key like not to be rude but like everyone in jacoma was like kind of ugly and so it was like the first time in my life like i'm not trying to be rude i'm not really getting your event you're getting here

yeah i'm not trying to mean a lot of people really ugly um but like it was the first time in my life i like felt like i like was hotter than the average person which i never felt in my life like i literally always you're at a hamburger place with mark zuckerberg and you're like fuck this hottie's here right yeah i'm like no it's just like i just was not like i was not a cute kid like i was really ugly from ages like 12, 17, probably for a myriad of reasons. And then like when I went to college, I finally was like, oh, my God, this is great. I was like big fish, small pond. I like really like developed confidence and it was amazing.

And then I went back to L.A. But I think like if I'd gone to like USC or something, I would have killed myself because like it would have been like my self-esteem. Have you ever gone anywhere where you're like, um, like you feel like you're more attractive than the, the some, so there's some part about like touring or like touring the, again,

this is rude. The Midwest. Yeah. Uh, uh, where there's certain parts where I'm like, I'm like, okay.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty hot. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you forget when you're like, I think it's not just the thing of like in your head, you're like,

you're dressed a certain way. You're also like, you're coming from New York city. Sometimes there's a running joke with my wife when we go anywhere that's small, uh, where you can just do something and be like, no,

no, no, it's okay. I'm from New York city. Uh, like, and just like, just like do something that is not like,

you know what I mean? Like, it just gives you psychotic confidence to be somewhere that you like, just like feel like you're better than you know what I mean like just gives you psychotic confidence to be somewhere that you just like feel like you're better than like it's crazy

it's horrible it's both a funny thing and also you feel bad sometimes that's why LA feels tough I mean LA you're like

everyone here is a fucking actor or model I mean there's just so many people looking good yeah everyone in LA is super hot New York there's plenty

there's a big there's a big mix out of new york huge range because i'm also like some of the hottest people in the world are here yeah but also homeless guys too you're like i feel pretty good now there's like so many people yeah i mean some homeless people are really hot yeah so then you went straight from uh uh that college to la uh yeah i moved right after college because i got into this like hbo access like writing program or whatever. Right. And I spent like a year

with my former writing partner developing a pilot with one of their like executives and I was just writing because I just like wanted to write for TV. And then, yeah. And I want to talk, you have a sister.

How much younger is your sister? She's seven years younger than me. Seven years. Yeah, she's a lot younger than me. I have two sisters, I have three sisters, but I have two that are like three or four years apart.

And I'm always very interested in sister dynamics because I've seen theirs. And they like, they... What's theirs? Oh, I mean, it's contentious, but they love each other. It's contentious, but they spend time together. Yeah.

And they love each other deeply. Yeah. But my younger sister in that too, Katie, was like a big clothes stealer. Like a huge, like a full-on psychotic liar. Sorry, Katie, she was still these. She's fine now. But there was a time where she'd be like,

I didn't steal your clothes. It's like you're wearing it. Yeah. You cannot lie. Oh, it was like stealing from her sister. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were connected rooms, shared a bathroom. It was just rife with it. But they love each other so much yeah there's a lot

of drama and so yeah i just i just uh are you get along with her did you get along with your sister growing up yeah i think we're far enough apart in age where there's like only so much contention that can be had because it's like okay like what i'm in a fight with like a two-year-old when i'm nine you know uh-huh um like that's not really like the vibe. Did you ever bully? Did you ever? Okay, the one fight, like actually screaming fight we've gotten, we got in was, I think she was 10.

I was like 17. I borrowed her socks and I was like wearing her socks and she comes over and she starts trying to rip the socks off me. Cause she's like, you always stretch out my socks. She's like, you're, she's screaming at me. She's like, you always stretch out my socks. You always stretch out my socks. She's like, take them off right now.

Take them off right now. And I was literally like, I was like, we have the same size sweats. She's like, no she's screaming at me she's like you always stretch out my socks you always stretch my socks she's like take them off right now take them off right now and I was literally like I was like we have the same size but she's like no we fucking don't she's like take off my socks you always stretch them out and that's the only that's the only fight we've actually gotten in where she was like actually like physically on top of me trying to rip the socks off my feet and you're seven you got seven years on her yeah I got but like she's like she was intense like I was and I took the socks off but like yeah that's the only actual fight I actually remember us ever getting in. Like, I don't remember any other like real fights I've had. Like, cause she's just like so much younger than me.

And like, also we could like get along really well. So she's only 18 now? 19? She's 19. 19. And where is she? She's in LA. In LA.

Is she at college or she's just? No, she's, she takes community college classes online. Cause she's doing great. I mean, she's like, things are, did you feel like she followed you into performing did you do it at the same time she like actually she started doing stuff before i did kind of online like her she used to like eat poison substances online that's like how she like blew up on instagram um she would eat like glass and like glue and like makeup and okay so let's pause for a second how much is she okay yeah how much glass did she ingest no it was fake glass she like made

it so these are all like she like she like was really good at it she like ate one of her videos that went super viral she ate deodorant and like the first and she swallows it at the end but it's like so the first two sticks that she chews are real deodorant so you're not looking for it to be fake then the third stick is cream cheese that's when she swallows but it's like it's so like she was so creative and the videos are so like aesthetic and specific and like very cool and they like got millions and millions of views like so quickly and this is asmr style yeah yeah it was asmr it was parody asmr kind of yeah yeah um but it was like yeah like in a month she had like 300 000 followers it was insane and then she kind of like dropped off because like there's only so much poison that you can

eat and I think she also got bored she was 17 when this happened she dropped out of high school she was kind of like yeah like want to be an influencer but she getting offers like old spices like eat our deodorant no so that's also it so like because of what she was doing it like wasn't brand safe really like Branson really so she had this collaboration her first and one of her last paid collaborations with Forever 21's line for Cheetos. And so she was like, she, they wanted her to like eat Cheetos while they, she wore this like little Forever 21 Cheetos merch. Right.

And so she like does this thing where she like blends the Cheetos in a thing with milk and then she like eats it with a spoon. It's really gross. And Cheetos literally asked the Forever 21 to get rid of the whole thing. They were like, you can't, this is disgusting. This makes our product look so disgusting. So she got paid double. She's like ransom. They were like, you can't. This is disgusting. This makes our product look so disgusting. So she got paid double? She's like, ransom.

She's like, it's staying up. That was kind of her first and last brand deal. Wow. Yeah. Uh-huh. That's... Yeah, and then she kind of just like stopped doing that. But now she's acting

and she just booked her first thing. Yeah, I know. Pretty good. Can you say what it is? She's going to be in... I don't know if I can say. Okay. Yeah, it's going to be fun.

It's going to be fun. Now, i talk a lot about envy on this yes i'm a very envious person and my sister she's a dancer yeah and uh she she had ended up getting cut but she was very this close friday night rehearsal to being lady gaga's backup dancer and i think i've told the story on the thing and the stage was smaller than they thought they cut two of the four dancers oh my god but and outwardly to her i was of course very very excited for her but i remember thinking like and she's she's younger she's seven eight years younger than me and i just thought like my sister made it to snl before me like inside

there was a wild because she's a dancer like you're not even made it as a dancer you never wanted to be lady godress back in the day wait wait i did want to be a dancer in my heart and i could go back i mean i really don't take classes i have the like talent or the body or anything no most certainly i like i went to college for musical theater so i like did dance but like truly like i don't have it but no you dance when i see dance there really is something to me like i'm like this is the peak of human expression like really great dance it's your body making poetry it's something so good oh my god so is there any envy with with your sister nothing no i literally like

i feel like she's a part of myself like i literally love i just want her to have like everything i also feel like the more successful she is the more pressure that takes off of me yeah my sons well because it's like okay like um it's like like I just want her to be like so famous and then I can just like chill out yeah yeah like that's genuinely I can't explain it I literally think I have like I'm obsessed with her or something like there's like something about her that I'm like just obsessed with and And I only ever would want her to be... I want her to be the next Jennifer Lawrence or whatever. Yeah.

I know. I mean, that's a great dynamic. Yeah. I know several now siblings who compete. And you never know who's going to succeed more. I mean, we talk... My friend Chris. I'm not speaking out of turn.

Chris Caffaro. Very good actor. His younger brother, Nick Caffaro, succeed more i mean we talk my friend chris i'm not speaking out of turn chris chris cafero very good actor his younger brother nick cafero like that was on the office that's part of it yeah that's great yeah yeah um yeah no i don't care that's so nice yeah that's healthy that's healthy that's good and you can support and not you know i think i think I feel like most siblings do are, are like, have like a thing. I think it just like would be if you're, I don't know how to explain it, but I think, I think most people kind of feel more like that. Like I, I, and I think you feel like that. You feel so, you're so excited for your sister.

Of course. I think it's the same field. It's the exact same field. The fact that my sister's a dancer, I think just separates it a little. When I see her dance, I get very emotional. There was one time, there was some showcase thing, and I like,

when she finished, I was very like moved. Yeah. In a way, that's rare. But if it was like, we were up for the same part, and went to my sister,

that would be tough. Really? Okay, so here's my thing. I think I've always just seen myself as inferior to my sister, like my whole life. Okay, let's my whole life okay it's been very like drilled in like my mom like the whole world has always been like oh my god like your sister is so pretty like your sister is so smart she's so cool she's so like funny so i think like i just like accepted from the get-go i was

like oh yeah like i have a cool sister like does that make sense yeah so i'm like kind of like i don't even i don't even see myself as like in her league like oh my gosh yeah like all i ever want to do is like help her kind of like that's that's the best i could see a lot of people going right now okay right now we have a tape for like the same role i think we were like talking about it last night and i literally like i'm reading it i'm like oh she's gonna be so good for it like she's gonna do such a good job like as i'm learning my lines you know yeah and i'm like oh she's gonna be so good she'd be so good it's a great dynamic i think inside i'm just like yeah no no i i think it is like not necessarily like relatable but i think it like comes from so much of like i also feel like i raised her like i feel like she's my child like

it's like less of like a sister and more of like oh my god my child like i totally stage mom her like i got my manager reps her like i literally like after i and more of like, Oh my God, my child. Like I totally stage mom her. Like I got my manager reps her. Like I literally like after I said, cause the podcast I listened to, that was not the case at the time. Oh, I listened to some podcasts where you said you jokingly were like, I,

she did. I haven't, she doesn't have reps yet. Oh, maybe she didn't. My managers know about her and they didn't sign it. Maybe they, maybe that was at the time.

But yeah, no. And she like is repped by my manager. Yeah. Wow. I'm just bowled over by your selflessness. I want to sit down and think about this. I just like love her.

I think she's so cool. I'm like, I want to see her on TV. Like I'm a genuine, like I want to see you on TV. Yeah. No, I want my sister to be.

More than I want to see myself on TV. Like way more. Do you have a right for her? We like, we like write stuff together, but she like writes for herself. She's really funny. She like blew up on TikTok

But she had to stop posting Because she was getting harassed Harassed? Yeah So she was like making this content That was very like Provoking of the boys And the boys

If you don't know Like are incels on the internet I thought you meant The Amazon show No no no What the fuck She's like you say about the boys Not the boys

Not the boys No no but like Yeah so she started getting Like a lot of like death threats And like rape threats And stuff And she couldn't stop But yeah It's very funny She's like She's very funny She's very cool No, but like, yeah. So she started getting like a lot of like death threats and like rape threats and stuff. And she couldn't stop.

But yeah, it's very funny. She's like, she's very funny. She's very cool. She's either eating poison or going after the scariest people on the internet. She's provocative. She's definitely, she's controversial. Yeah. I think it would be stressful. This is not that related.

I think it would be. Speaking as one of the boys. No, no. This is not that related at all but in terms of like familial things doing being the business i i get stressed out sometimes when there's a couple um less so when there's a parent but when there's a couple or a parent sometimes that is like the manager of the person um and that is something that's like you know what i mean like when there's like a couple and then they're like

oh and the husband's now going to be her manager like like for the person i just feel like that that would be such a stressful dynamic and i i was just thinking of it because of like sometimes you know like a chris jenner yeah chris jenner is like the mom and juror whatever you call i feel like those dynamics um while there have been some very successful examples of it, it does stress me out, the familial thing of like actually managing someone in your family.

Yeah, I think there's also just like you root for a family dynamic over a professional dynamic like every day, I think too. Where it's like, okay, I would much rather have them be able to be like a nice, happy mom and daughter

than like momager and daughter who hate each other or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, but I mean like with Kris Jenner, I guess it really really does work it seems to work it seems to work great they must be miserable there's no way these are happy no i think that they are i think they are i think you're wrong yeah i think like maybe like rob is really sad and i think like maybe like chloe has her moments but i honestly think corny and kim seems so happy to me and like i think kendall's happy i don't know about kylie i also you know you also don't know how you just don't know.

You don't get a sense from like what we see, how people really, you know what I mean? It's like, so I mean, someone's talking about this, but like what the Kardashians do is they give the illusion of access. So we all feel like we really know what's going on,

but it's like so curated. So it's like, actually we have no idea. But also everyone has different definition of what happiness is. So I mean like, cause some people like being that busy doing all those appearances, that's happiness yeah do you know what i mean and other people be like that if i was in it would be awful and hell for me oh yeah that would make me want to kill myself but i'm different than that but yeah yeah so everyone has a different thing of what that is

yeah so you also have a brother yes um yeah we're like we're not not close but i'm just not as close to him as my sister i don't live him. He has his own thing going on. What does he do? He goes to UC Santa Cruz. He's a student. Yeah. Well, good luck to him. Yeah.

So in LA, you have this HBO thing. Yeah. And how long have you been doing stand-up now? I've been doing stand-up since 2019, since like February of 2019. Not very long. Wow. Like not very long. Yeah.

And when did the Twitter twitter when did all the twitter when did you really start like focus on 2019 like after i started stand-up so basically i'd been i guess like i had always been tweeting like i think i've been on twitter since like 2009 um i had always tweeted yeah i had always tweeted um and kind of like the same shit like i was like going through and i was like oh i've always kind of tweeted the same shit but um then i started doing stand-up in like february 2019 I met Jenny Hogan. Jenny, fantastic. You know, probably. And for the first time in my life, I knew someone with Twitter followers who would like

retweet me. And so I was like newly motivated because it's also like tweeting into the void. It's so fucking hard to go viral on Twitter if you don't have any followers. Like I had like 300 followers when I started stand-up. And then like for the first time ever, like I was getting retweets and I was like gaining followers. And so I like became way more obsessed with it because it was like I was finally getting like feedback and I could see what people were responding to I had enough data to like be like oh they want to see more of this they don't

want to see this they want more of this and so like I was using like that data to just like write more tweets and so I was tweeting all the time really compulsively and like eventually like that just like started like whatever like spiraling into its own thing and what would you say like do you have like a theme to your account like there's a lot of there's a lot of good gender stuff yeah i think a lot of it's like obviously pandering a little yeah all social media is a little bit yeah stand-up stand-up um i think like themes definitely just like i don't know like it used to be a lot dating like i think i got i was really into i started started standup after I'd gone through a pretty, a series of two pretty bad breakups,

like back to back. And so a lot of my content was like very focused on like my breakups and my exes and like things like that. So that was like my first year of content. And then like after that, it's like I started dating someone new and I was happier. And I think my content became more like, um,

like just like do ways to like make fun of myself or like also talk about like my relationship with my mom my sister yeah yeah yeah breakup can be a good content it can be oh there's so much content in a breakup i mean like breakups like are truly my mine fields of content it's truly if i hadn't done this play i'd have a huge twitter following this was a breakup play for oh that was a breakup play oh That should have been tweets. That could have been tweets. 3,000 tweets, John Marco. That could have been 3,000 tweets. A hundred of those

could have been viral. That's my rate. 3,000. Okay, great. So you're living with your sister now. Yeah. And you're just getting along. We lived with her. I lived with her and my boyfriend during the pandemic that's no fights come on no there's nothing we have we'd have fights with my boyfriend so it'd

be like we're just not healthy it's not healthy it's really bad but it's like basically also it's like okay if i ever had a fight with my sister like my boyfriend would be on my side and if i ever had a fight with my boyfriend my sister would be on my side and then sometimes they your boyfriend's being foolish your boyfriend needs to be getting your sister no sometimes they would get mad at me yeah like which i think is actually more often but like being mad at me i think is like kind of like funnier to people like funnier to them it's like less serious when people are mad at me because i'm like doing things that are obviously really annoying does that make any sense it It does make sense, but it also seems like something like, I'm like, well, when people are mad at me,

it's kind of funny. But when I'm mad at them, it's a real serious fucking problem that they have. I mean, that's just how I feel then. Cause I'm like, when they're mad at me, it feels funny. But like when I'm mad at like one of them, I'm like. That's a lot of dynamics to balance. I don't know if I.

It was fun though. We had a great time. We would like literally like just sit in my bed and like watch movies all day like all of us we call it Charlie and Chocolate Factory that's nice that's like the nicest version of this pandemic

I think that's nicer than being stuck with a random person that you don't you know you're stuck with the two people that you love you wouldn't want to be in a house with your wife and her sister I wouldn't well that would be to his kids and stuff. Oh, sure. Sure.

That would be tough. There's too many obstacles. From her kids. Yeah. So I feel like if there's no strings, you know, like you're not, there's not like a family to take care of. I just think like, I don't know, family. Like I'm my brother.

I'm headlining in Boston. I'm going to stay with my brother for two nights. Well, you have a brother and two sisters? I have four younger half siblings. Oh, got it. Okay, wow. Okay, got it. And yeah, when I went to LA,

my sister Victoria, my oldest sister, made very clear that she had just had some friends the weekend before, but she said I could be there for one night. And now I have other family. One night only. There is a degree of like, well, I have other options.

But I was like, okay, I have other options, but it was, it was, I was like, okay, one night, one night. That's all. That's all.

Uh, no, not as much as Katie. Katie is a consistent listener and she would have given me like three nights. I think Katie, Katie, Katie would like, she'd let me do the month if I was down and out.

Yeah. Yeah. But I got to go to my mom's. Yeah. I lived with my brother. He went to law school in New York. So for a year, I lived with him when he was here. Was that nice?

Yeah. It was great. The thing was, is that he was in law school, so he was so busy. And I like recently moved to New York. So I was like not in a great like, you know, like it takes a while to figure everything out. And so I wish it had been later on when I felt more comfortable being in New York and stuff. But he also, so he was doing law school all the time.

And then he, his girlfriend at the time, now wife, she lived away. So every weekend he would go visit almost. So it was a little like we lived together, but we didn't see each other much for that year. So how much younger is he? Four years. Four you ever fight uh not anymore we when we were kids

yeah but not anymore i loved your story where you told him he was a robot or adopted what did you no i told him um that that you know it's a variation of the of the adoption but i told him that when we were young, all of his memories from vacations and like Disney World and it was just all computer programming. Wait,

I've literally told, I told my sister some of the stuff. Okay, sorry, go ahead. We actually would go away as a family of three on vacations and he would just be

plugged in in his room and we would like put the memories in. That's so funny. It's so unsettling. And they were not real memories that he had. You did this to your... Oh no, I would like always tell my sister and it's so unsettling they were not real memories that he

had and uh you did this to your oh no i would like always tell my sister i'd be like whatever you think you remember it's fake like i literally would just be like yeah like i'm like you actually what you actually couldn't form memories before then so i don't know why you i'm like it sounds like you're just hearing stories and like putting things together i was like there's no way that you remember anything like it's such a psychotic thing that it's so funny as a kid you're like i'm gonna say that their memories are not real like it's like so yeah fucking crazy but it's like so funny to you like you're like this is so funny it's a weird because it's it feels very existent like that's like an existential thing someone would be like how do we know our past are real and it's just

like at a young age to like be like i know how i can torture this person i know how to make them question yeah their existence you're not having fun in disney world it's right like yeah yeah yeah oh my god well i'm glad your whole family is so oh we'd also do this thing where we would my sister hated this she was like three and we'd like be on vacation and my mom would always be like eve you're not even gonna remember this and she'd get so mad like she'd get so mad like she was like three or four and my mom'd be like there's no way you're gonna remember that she's like it's really funny because we're in paris but you're not gonna remember you're too young to remember and you would just be like sobbing and be like i'm gonna remember oh that's so funny because it is true you're like there's a thing like sometimes we're she doesn't remember parents will be like yeah like we're doing this thing and you're like there's a thing like sometimes we're parents will be like yeah like we're doing this

thing and you're like you're like yep that baby's not gonna really know because i don't really know anything until i was like five or six well they brought gotcha has a bit where they told him he was taking his kid to disney world and they were like he's not gonna remember he's like okay fine i'll put him in a box until he can start remembering yeah so funny. Yeah, I wouldn't take my kid anywhere too fancy. Yeah. I mean, my mom said that that was her parents' explanation for not taking her on vacation until she was older. And she was like, by the time I was older,

I hadn't had enough good experiences where I wanted to go on vacation with them. So she's like, I didn't want to go. And she's like, that's why I was like, oh, I'm going to take my kids on vacation even if they won't remember because they'll know the feeling. Yes.

They'll know that they like to be on vacation with me. Because she's like, it's hard to convince like a teenager who hasn't been on vacation with you that they want to travel with you. Yeah. Like if you're a teenager, like I want to stay home

or whatever. Are your grandparents, any of them still alive? My mom's parents are still alive. Yeah. Your dad's parents They died a while ago. Yeah.

They died a while ago. Yeah. And how, your grandparents, you get along with them? I love them so much. Yeah. My grandpa's really sick right now, but they're good. No, it's okay. along with them i love them so much yeah my grandpa's really sick right now but i'm sorry no it's okay um no but i love them

so much they're the best they live like uh they always look pretty close to us like they live in la la did i hear on one podcast your grandma though could she be critical was she yeah my grandma's just like really kind of mean like it's just like i love her she's so sweet she's like so so funny but she's like you're saying two very different well she's like she's just like she's kind of a roaster like okay like the other day like i was driving her because we've been like help taking turns like taking my grandma to the hospital to my grandpa and i was driving her and my mom's been staying with her and like and she gets in the car and she goes like your mom is crazy she stays up till midnight she only eats when she wants to she's always like like she's had so many complaints about my mom like the second that she got it those were two she only eats when she wants to

it was like what yeah like she's like yeah she's like she doesn't drink enough water she's always dehydrated she always says i have a headache and i'm like well you're not drinking enough water like like things like that you know like very like like that was the immediately she sat down and she was like just had so many things she needed to air out About my mom Cause she's Your mom They were born in the Philippines Yeah And your mom was young

My mom didn't Yeah my mom didn't meet them Until she was like six I think Because they like They had her They popped her out They had her brother

A year later they had her Then they both came to the US To finish their PhDs So they were in like Virginia Finishing their PhDs She was like in the Philippines Until she was five And then they like in the Philippines till she was five. And then they moved her out here when she was five.

Have you been to the Philippines at all? No, not at all. Not at all? No, I would like to go. You would? But now they have like a crazy like dictator or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Duterte. Duterte.

I love the confidence. I love the confidence. You're saying that now. Yeah, you're like, yes, of course. I'm looking at you, dude. Dude. I'll take your word for it i mean i was in the hospital visiting my grandpa and um i was it was just me and him and a white nurse a white male nurse walked in and he starts like talking to me in like some language i'm literally like looking at him like why and i

keep going like what and he goes i go and then i go i don't speak spanish and he goes it's tagalog and he like looks at my grandpa. He's like, aren't you guys like Filipino or whatever? I was like so humiliated. I was literally like, oh my fucking God. Like, what the fuck? Oh my God. It was so embarrassing.

Did your, had your grandpa spoken Tagalog to him? Yeah. They're all like, they all speak Tagalog. Like my grandma speaks Tagalog. So at least he didn't come out of the blue just like, ah, it's Filipino. Let's show them my Tagalog. The nursing profession is like 80 filipino or something insane really so many nurses are filipino so i'm sure he just picked up like tagalog like from

working in nursing or whatever but i literally was like i don't speak spanish and he's like this like it was so it was it was so embarrassing it was so embarrassing um yeah i had a lot of where i grew up in maryland there was a big like filipino for child's care so i had a lot of filipino i like grew up on filipino food like yeah yeah i mean i had so many like white friends who spoke tagalog better than me because they had like filipino nannies oh god i didn't learn anything from them i think they used tagalog to speak shit talk talk yeah like we can't teach them we can't teach them because we need to um all right let's go to our next segment. Let's go to This Has Got to Stop. This Has Got to Stop.

This Has Got to Stop Russell. You ever This Has Got to Stop? Yes, I do. This Has Got to Stop, me getting the same haircut for my entire life because I am scared to do anything different. And I just got a cut today. Thanks for noticing. Oh, I'm sorry.

And I always go in being like, maybe you'll try a little something. It was really long before this. I love when you have a shaggy look. What are your other ideas, though? I don't have one. Okay. And so that's what's got to start.

Sometimes I don't do this. This has got to start. I've got to have more ideas in my hair because I always, in the back of my head, I'm like, this time's gonna be different. You're gonna go in there, like just, just surprise yourself.

Just like, you know, but then it's like, what do you mean? Then it gets down to the wire and I'm like, I just like blurt out the same sentence I always say. And then they're like, okay.

And it's the same barber too. So he's like, he, he's, I don't even know why he asked me. It's almost like he's asking me because it's like, I'm giving you an opportunity to do something different. You coward. You think you leave and he's I don't even know why he asked me it's almost like he's asking me because he's like I'm giving you an opportunity to do something different you coward

you think you leave and he's like maybe next time yeah maybe next time I just feel cowardly it's just like I'm like just do it what's the worst that could happen but it could be bad what's your line what do you say well it can't be that bad because you're a man yeah but you know like I don't know I think if I do anything too wild

it doesn't suit me and it's like oh I don't know. I don't, I think if I do anything too wild, it doesn't suit me. And it's like, oh, look, I'm trying too hard. So I, maybe it's just what it is. But I'm like, I was picturing me being 60, like saying the same thing. And I'm like, do I just shave it all? I don't know what. I don't know what. You can't even shave.

That'd be wild. I get it like trimmed on the sides and then even out on top. And then they like. Do you have any like celebrities who look like you that you'd like like to like model yourself after doesn't he have like his like calm down well so i also do this thing where i could tell by there's my barber i don't come in enough and because it's very much the culture of the neighborhood is like i see some of those guys they go like once every week or two, you know, to get like the trim of the beard and like the thing.

And he's like, he's made kind of passive aggressive comments to me before. But like, well, see you again in six months. Like, like a little bit like I'm not, I'm not. You're not doing your part. Yes. Yeah. And I agree. But then what I truly what I do is I just do this and then like it gets long enough to bother me.

And then I'm like, do this again. It's like it's like two or three times a year. I do. So if you could just see what it looked like, what's what's something you've always wanted to try? Nothing. Nothing. That's what that's the issue is because I've had to in shows before do a couple of things like I had to be almost bald in one. And that was awful. I have like a almost bald in one and that was awful i had

like a weird dent in my head that looked bad and then i had i've had it really long for stuff and i didn't like that i don't like the feel of it and then i've had to do like mutton chops and things like i've had to do some stuff for shows and i've never it's never been like oh this this is you this is me this feels good it's so i don't know i just am frustrated i want to do something i want to have more this is making me think of the scene This feels good. It's so, I don't know. I just am frustrated. I want to do something. I want to have more. This is making me think of the scene in Squid Game. Have you guys seen it?

I haven't seen it yet. I haven't got it. I'm going to watch it this weekend. I'm just on the second episode. There's a hair change at the end. A very dramatic, random hair change and maybe you'll get

inspiration from that. Okay, okay. I'm going to watch this weekend. Do not watch it dubbed. Watch it with subtitles. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. No, people are watching it dubbed

and then they're like texting me like, I don't really like it. I'm like, what? I saw that clip. A psychotic thing to watch things dubbed. Did you see the clip of them making fun of it where they're like, yeah, of course. No, people are watching it dubbed and then they're like texting me like I don't really like it. I'm like what? I saw that clip. A psychotic thing Did you see the clip of them making fun of it where they're like,

yeah man, like. Was that fake? I saw just one clip where like the voices were like really cheery like this. Oh yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, that is what the dub sounds like. The dub literally sounds like almost like sarcastic. Like it's so funny. I think it's weird to watch anything that has subtitles

with a dub. Oh yeah, I think it's weird too. I think that's a crazy thing. It's super weird. It's so j i think it's weird to watch anything that has subtitles with a dub it's so jarring to me so yeah no have you ever been any big haircut swings that you regret oh my god well my haircut recently a little too short and i was like really upset for a couple days but not because i didn't like the haircut like i've had this exact haircut before but it reminded me of a time in my life that i didn't like and i hate that like when you like get a haircut that's like oh this is the haircut i had in 2018 when i was like really going through it and like whatever just like reminded me of that time um but like my hair i don't know like i'm always like with my hair i'm like i don't know if i want to take a swing like my sister's blonde now

and i love it it's so fucking cool but i'm like i don't know if i can have like a cool hair color like i don't know if like my um my vibe like holds it up if that makes sense i hope i get cast as something where i have to go blonde well yeah yeah no same i hope it's i hope i can experiment with this like for a part and then feel it out but i'm like right now i'm like i'm so i'm i just like don't know i'm not in hair inspired yeah it's bit i mean tova and i have only i feel exactly the same way you do actually whereas like i always sit down and i'm like maybe i could do something different then i'm like just do the Like, I want to keep a shoulder length. Yeah. Tova did like a hair dye

a couple months into the relationship and like, it was like blonde, but not full blonde, but like blonde. It was like highlights, I guess you'd call it.

But like, there was a couple days of she felt that she had made like a huge, it was a lot of crying. I think it's really hard. And then a couple days later it was like,

it was, it looked great. I don't look good then you need a week to adjust to a haircut like you really do once like once i got a haircut when i was a kid and my mom no my my dad my dad decided to cut my hair oh my god and my mom said like i don't know and i cried so hard i like lost that my mom was like how could you do that to me i remember uh one time so i have three cowlicks which are hard to like oh you do have yeah you have a lot of and you say you have three like it's built into your head yeah look you can see one there's

two up here and then one in the back and so uh everyone you know i i know this because anytime they they love to tell me um that when they when they cut the hair and then out so uh when i was a kid though one time there was like it was you know, you like have things that would like bother you. And you're like, I combed it much more like it was not like this. It was like I combed it and parted it and stuff. And the colics became a menace sometimes. So one time I was like, this piece of hair is not. So I I cut a little bit and then I cut a little bit more.

piece of hair is not so i i cut a little bit and then i cut a little bit more and then all of a sudden there was just like this like piece of of a chunk of hair that grew in the middle so then i would have to like design the hair to hide this little this little patch and i feel like i had that for years like i would like like try to like maintain this little patch that poked out right here and just try to hide it and then i remember one time an old lady was cutting my hair at the the um where i got my haircut as a kid and she was like did you cut this hair and i was so embarrassed i was like i was like no i don't know uh and she goes she goes you cut this hair and i was like i was like no i think i just got it cut here last time and she goes no one here did that like you clearly you

psycho went in and like cut it and anyways oh i just remember being so stressed and always having to maintain that patch and like hide it from people that's so stressful yeah how did you don't have to lie to me don't i know and i was like i was like i don't know and she's like she's like no one here did that like you got this hair oh i remember one time i got my haircut uh i got my haircut because i saw that they were giving balloons to people who got their haircut like and i was just like at the hair salon my brother was getting his haircut and so i like got my haircut and i afterward cried because i like wanted my long hair and my mom was like why'd you get your haircut then i was like i wanted a balloon like and i thought that's the only way to get a balloon she's like oh i could have gotten you a lot cheaper um my this guy's i want to do this for a while i i there's a lot of bars a lot of

comedy shows i go to yeah the thing where they're the mirror in the bathroom is just covered with stickers oh my god i hate it i don't i don't i yeah what is this no we need a mirror i don't care if it's a cool club we need to look at ourselves it's fucked up I've noticed that too and it really makes me so fucking irritated I'm like you know that I'm in the bathroom to look in the mirror and I think they do it so people spend all the time in the bathroom which like whatever

that's why they do it they do it so that like the blinds don't get so long because people aren't fucking staring at themselves and like doing their fucking shit and it's like think about how much faster you are in the bathroom when the mirrors cover up like i'm so fast there's nothing i go look at the crevice okay well so for you it's taking longer for you it's adding time for most people they're like oh i guess i can't stare at myself for five minutes i'll guess all of you you're blowing my mind it's so funny i've not noticed this at all you've never

noticed bathrooms where there's just stickers it's I've noticed it, but it's never impacted my thing. I'm hearing it and I'm making good points. It doesn't give a shit. No, but it's an interesting thing that I didn't realize. Every time there's an inconvenience in life, you're like, oh, it's actually so they can save time. Oh, yeah, for sure. I cannot believe that. That blew my mind.

Yeah, I know. I thought they just really liked bands. Okay, so I thought that was, I thought it was too. And then I realized how frequent it was and how it was always at places that were like cool and like would have bathroom lines. And then I was like, huh. And then I remember,

I can't remember where I asked. I asked a bartender one time. I was like, why isn't the mirror covered up? And he was like, oh, because people spend too long in there. And then I literally was like, oh. And then now every time I see that, I'm like, ugh.

Let me add to that. Bathrooms with lighting, like that's not just regular lighting like like colors like we're like funky lighting cool bars love a red red bathroom and then you know you're if you have to god forbid you have to take a shit you don't even know what you're looking at anymore it's a whole i much prefer that than the bright i need to see i need to see what's on the seat I need to see what's on the floor bathroom bathroom is functional

I don't need to be cool in the bathroom I'm gonna be like ooh cool theme you kept the theme going I'm there for a very specific purpose and it's to do cocaine

see here's my thing I when bathrooms are really cool I'm always like this seems excessive but then when bathrooms are like really gross or lame

you're like come on like you're like do a little more like I don't know yeah I hate when you go into the bathroom and it's like literally like a storage closet and i'm like don't do this like come on especially at a nice place and you're like this is weird yeah yeah no i i agree sometimes i there's bathrooms where i've gone in too and you're like this is a huge bathroom and only one thing like you could have you should have there should be multiple stalls like sometimes

you're like surprisingly like i remember i went to a really nice sushi place in the city one time and it was like the bathroom was the same size of like their entire rest like it was like a small intimate like sushi place yeah and then there's a gigantic gigantic bathroom for one person that was wild dude um do you have a this has got to stop yeah yeah um fried chicken sandwich places too many there's so many they're popping up everywhere also like during in la at least i don't know what it's like in new york i don't really know the spicy chicken landscape but like in la there's like literally a million they're all called like different variations like nashville hot chicken like spicy nashville chicken like nashville's chicken so hot like like dave's

hot chicken like there's so many like hot chicken places. And like, okay, there's this one chain I do like, Dave's. But they've opened up like 10 chains. There used to be like two locations. And then over the pandemic, because everyone's like ordering food on Uber Eats or whatever, they've gotten really big. And all these spicy chicken sandwich places have managed to like get really big. But now there's only spicy chicken sandwich places.

So that's like a third of all restaurants serve spicy chicken. And it's such a polarizing food where it's like you don't want to eat it like more than like once a week i mean i don't like it makes me feel kind of ill but i'm like but like what so who where is this demand coming from and i just can see them all shutting down and it just being like a huge like fro-yo ask like you know in the 2000s everywhere was a fro-yo place and i'm just like they're headed the way of fro-yo what were the biggest ones 16 handles yeah like 16 handles a big like yogurt land um golden spoon like i don't even know what golden spoon is doing now they were big in the 2000s

yeah and i just got great my god la just has such good health food yeah they do a lot of good options that's the thing about the thing i people say when you go to la i'm like i would have to be rich because that's where the food temptations are so great. Oh, it's so good. Yeah. New York, it's the same. They do it with salad places. Sweetgreen, which I used to love

because I grew up in DC where it started. Sweetgreen used to be a fro-yo type place and then the salads did so well. And then I was in Philly and it was big in Philly. And then in New York, it used to be chopped. Chopped was number one. Just salad. And then Sweetgreen like exploded here.

And now so many of them fucking suck. I got to talk about, I got into it. I mean, I'm probably the asshole here, but I go through the salad line and get to the end. No bread. And I said to them, I said, I said, I'm sorry. I don't want the salad anymore. The bread is a part of the salad. And they said, I said, I'm sorry. Yeah. I don't want the salad anymore. The bread is a part of the salad. Yeah.

And they said, well, the bread is free. And I said, no, no, it's, it's part of the thing.

It's part of the, and so here's what I said. I said, oh no bread. Could I, can I get double chicken? Yeah. For no,

no extra charge. Yeah. And they said, no, cause the chicken costs something, but the bread is free. And I said, no, because the chicken costs something, but the bread is free. And I said, no. And I left.

And I left. And I was hoping they would just give me the salad. Because it's there. They're going to have to throw it away. But I said, no. I said, no. And I wrote the sweet green social media.

And I said, I'm very... Did they give you anything? Because then, get this. So I said, I was talking to them and I was being a little piss give you because then get this so i said i said i was i was talking to them and i was i was being a little a little pissy and then a guy in line said but sir you don't understand the bread's free and i was like who the fuck are you do you work for sweet green get the fuck out of my conversation okay i didn't say that i just said i just turned i in the moment it's just like shocked. It was like, I was like, we're on the same side here.

You were, we're the consumer. I just know this interaction's on TikTok somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Come on. I didn't, but, but it was more, where is this? I mean,

I didn't like lose my mind, but I, but I said, I don't want the salad anymore. Yeah, that's okay. Sorry. At the beginning of the line,

you tell me what the situation is. Yeah. If you say, you don't have bread, you stand up, say we don't have bread.'s fucked up i mean i literally sometimes i'll get delivery food and they won't include like a sauce and i'm like literally i don't want to eat it without the sauce i don't fucking give me a refund i don't want it without the sauce the sauce is a huge part of this thing like fuck you i i i totally agree but i also if there was if there's no way if

this interaction was filmed you'd look good yeah exactly i said excuse me i know this is what you're doing okay yeah you've done great i also love like when people retell stories where they were like a dick they like make themselves sound so calm they're like oh look i'm sure you're like you know what you're doing but like if you don't mind um did you talk to sweet green customer service because one time i tweeted about sweet green was too expensive and they dm'd me and gave me a hundred dollars oh my god you should try that john marco yeah you want to know what they gave me for my complaint yeah they said we said we gave you like a gift receipt or something i went to my sweet green account three dollars wow they gave you like a gift receipt or something. I went to my Sweetgreen account. $3. Wow.

They gave you $100 just for stating it was too expensive? I made a joke about how it was expensive. Wow. They gave me $100. Just tweet something really quick. Yeah, tweet something about Sweetgreen. A hundred times? Yeah, they gave me $100. I think how many?

Ten. I think it was a little bit correlated to Twitter followers. I'm sure I'd do the same thing. This was like when I didn't have my Twitter followers. They'd be like, we'll give you some of the bread. They mail you a piece of bread. They're like, here's your bread. All right, let's go.

Final segment. You better count your blessings. Some blessings. We had a good negative episode. I think it's probably the soonest we've gone to the dead dad. Yeah. So this was a sad one one but then you were very positive your family was very good sorry to be so positive no it's great i think it's good i think you're a positive too you just trick yourself by being negative you think i'm positive no i i don't think you're that as negative as you think you are i think you you can't be that negative because you also like you want things to be better

does that make sense yeah they always say like a cynic is like a disappointed romantic yes yes yes but true but true but true but true Russell do you have a blessing yeah you're gonna roll your damn eyes at me but I'm excited that

I bought concert tickets to multiple things this week that live music is like back inside doing things and it feels really exciting

tell what the concerts are well I'm seeing David Byrne's American Utopia next Saturday and then I'm also seeing LCD Sound System oh my god

I saw them before the pandemic next month and they're one of my favorites and Brooklyn Steel is a really fun time to be and i haven't been there in a year no couple two three years now since first so i'm excited and at a

concert are you like are you drunk yes and are you just do you do you just stand just like way like no i dance i like it yeah yeah is nicole coming too yeah your wife did you guys dance together yeah is it just you guys uh we're going to I got tickets for well for LCD I'm going for two they're doing a 20 night thing I'm going two nights and one night

I'm going with Nicole one night I'm going with Douglas that's so fun because Douglas Douglas and I had just been talking about it the night before then it was announced

that he's like oh I really want to go see LCD and the next day it was like they're doing 20 shows so do they talk between songs or they just

not that much no they don't really yeah and they play the hits yeah they know what you want yeah they're good um that that's very good uh mine is uh so i have this this audition thing and there's moments as a stand-up comedian we're like you got to call in a lot of favors and in new york especially there's so many comedians and you're calling up people and you're like, can you please, please just five minutes? I won't run the light this time. And specifically, Jay Jordan and Caitlin Palufo, just a lot of texts. You know, when you're building this five minutes, it's like, because in New York, sometimes you're're doing really shitty shows so you don't know if the timing is right for like a really hot crowd and you're like i want to finish strong but what happens and the one thing i was told is do not

blow this light so it's just like i i feel like i had some comedian friends who really put up with my anxiety and me writing them okay if i have to do this do you think this is okay do you think this joke works if i can't do these two? And, you know, it's very nice. Yeah. It's a very selfish profession. And you just have to look out for yourself so much that when people make the time to put up with their stuff, it's very sweet. And so there are a lot of comedians I need to thank. And if it goes well, I will thank them individually.

If it doesn't, you know, I'm disappearing. But Jay Jordan and Caitlin Plouveau particularly were just very very sweet um do you have a blessing oh yeah my my blessing is that um i don't have like acne right now like it's just really nice like i think it's like you know i've had phases of my life where my skin's really shitty and it just makes life so much harder what was it like high school um no weirdly i didn't really really break out in high school i just much harder. What was it like high school? Um, no, weirdly, I didn't really, really break out in high school. I just had like one really bad breakout, like late college.

And then like, again, a couple of years ago. Really? Yeah. And it was like ruined my life. Like I, I mean,

it got so skinny cause I couldn't leave my house and there was no Uber Eats in Tacoma yet. So that was nice. But like beyond that. Sure. It was so bad. You didn't leave the house. I couldn't, well,

I couldn't order food. Yeah. I did not leave. I could not leave. That's, it was so bad. Like I can't, I had like hundreds of zits around my like chin and jaw like it was bad like i had a beard of acne basically it was horrible it was horrible

and it was three months of my life where like i could not leave my house and what what fixed it um oh just like literally i got my i came about because i had an iud and it like made me break out like hormonally or something and then i got it taken out and then I just waited for it to go away. But that's wild. I mean, there was definitely some kids in my high school who had like full on face acne and it was like, fuck man,

this. Yeah. And you hear about it. It's so unnecessary too. It's like make, it makes life so fucking hard. It really is. Like I literally think it's the worst thing because I also,

I'm like, Oh, like when I was like really skinny and had acne, I literally was like, Oh, I'd way rather be like 10 pounds heavier and have clear skin. Like easy. Like there's just no contest um well good well I hope that's what I feel that's what I feel forever thank you you have back acne I was I was pretty

I had I had some like here but not like tons my dad back knee or no I'm at all I'm at all acne oh my god I was like my dad had. Oh, one of the grossest things. His, my, his half sister used to like pop his back acne. And let me tell you, I like, I like my girlfriend to,

if I have any acne, I like, I like being popped. Yeah, sure. I like popping, but I will never forget. This is vile.

There's one time, and this happens sometimes. She was popping his acne and there was like, it was like a noodle came out. Stop. I hate that. People are into that though. I kind of like it sometimes,

but sometimes I'm not in the mood. Do you like that? I don't like that. We're going to end it right now. Do you have anything you want to plug? There's no mirror in there. It's covered in stickers. I'll be really fast because of that.

Follow me on social media. Instagram, hot as Dana. TikTok, hot as Dana. Twitter, James Donnelly. Russell, do you have anything to plug? Thursday, November 4th, Uncle Function at Asylum NYC. Great. Me, I'm going to be headlining DC Comedy Loft the weekend after

Thanksgiving. DC Comedy Loft. You can go ahead. She's running to the bathroom. That's the first time I've ever ended that way. Yeah. Well, she's peeing. So yeah, see me at DC Comedy Loft.

Go to my website. Go to all the things. And be nice to me if I don't make any cool announcements soon. Yeah. Be very sweet. And my Comedy Central comes out November 2nd. So we have that to look forward to.

Worst case scenario. Check it out on all the apps but otherwise um just remember that uh you know whether you die today uh tomorrow or at some point uh enjoy the peas because there is a certain number of peas you got left in you before you uh probably pee yourself when you die i'm sure there is a release that happens and I don't think we talk about it because it's very horrifying, but we're all going to probably shit and piss our pants

and that's going to be the last thing that we do. The ultimate release. This is The Downside. One, two, three! Downside Downside Downside. Downside. Downside. Downside.

Downside. Downside.