The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #47 Balcony Friends with Mark Normand

Episode Date: November 2, 2021

Mark Normand shares the downsides of losing your virginity to a 55-year-old woman when you’re 16 while her husband entertains your friends on the balcony and not realizing that’s f*cked up until your therapist points it out in your 30’s. We talk about other stuff, too, but that should be enough for you to listen. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join The Downside Patreon for early ad-free episodes the Friday before they're released on Tuesday, two BONUS episodes a month (AUDIO & VIDEO), + the good feeling inside that you're helping keep my delusions alive. Follow MARK NORMAND on twitter & instagram Watch MARK NORMAND's special, "Out To Lunch" Listen to MARK NORMAND's podcasts: Tuesdays with Stories & We Might be Drunk Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Fawn Sullivan, Paige Asachika, & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

um uh uh welcome that was bad no welcome do it without stammering welcome to the downside my name is gianmarco cerresi i'm here with my co-host russell daniels hello russell how are you doing i'm good how are you and we're joined uh by a stand-up comedian and probably the the person to bring booze bag back into the lexicon welcome uh mark norman thank you good to be here in this tiny, tiny apartment. This apartment makes me feel better about mine. This is a tight spot. There's a whole wing you're missing over there.

Well, congrats to you on all your success. This is The Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi. All right The Downside. With John Marco Cerezi. All right, my name is John Marco Cerezi. I'm realizing I'm not recording on this side, but that's fine. We're here.

I'll tell my editor, what a fucking nightmare. You know what it was like in the beginning. Oh, I couldn't do it again. Yeah? Oh, my God, it was hell. I mean, I got mugged three times in a year. No money and just getting up on open mics and no one laughing and just trying to figure it out, going to road gigs and losing money, taking the Greyhound, all that shit.

It's funny. I was just talking about podcasts. That's all I was thinking of when I said that, and you were like, I was mugged three times. I was like, on the podcast? Really? Three people were like, this guy steals audio equipment. What year were you mugged three times? I thought you meant starting comedy.

Sorry again? What year were you mugged three times? What year was that? 2008. Wow. Yeah, twice in Brooklyn, once in Hell's Kitchen. It was always my fault. Yeah, one year.

What were they like? Well, they're all different. Right. Much like a snowflake. You thought it was the same? They have like a how-to? No, no, no. There's like a wiki how-to?

I guess there's a spectrum of how violent or how aggressive or, you know, like, I'm just curious of, like, what was the worst mugging of the three? None of them were that bad. I come from New Orleans, which is way scarier than New York, by the way. But one, I got knocked out and then they took the shit out of my pockets and I woke up in the middle and they knocked me out again. That sounds bad. So that was the worst, but still not that bad.

Hit with your fist. Yeah, yeah, like four guys. Oh, my God. How were, like, what you said it was your fault at some point. I was always blacked out, kind of, like, wobbling home, like, bouncing off the walls. And I fell asleep in a little alcove because I was so drunk. And then I woke up to guys going through my pockets. And I went, what the fuck?

And he hit me, and I went out. And then I woke up again, and he my pockets. And I went, what the fuck? And he hit me. And I went out. And then I woke up again. And he hit me again. Wow. Yeah. Well, Russell, you kind of skipped the whole scenario of this podcast, jumping right to New Orleans and mugging. But thanks. Welcome to.

I was curious. Well, yes, I know. We'll get to it. Welcome to The Downside. This is a podcast. We explore the negatives of our lives, all the sad things in life. We try not to any have any toxic positivity here. I just got back.

I just took a vacation with my girlfriend, Tova. I'm sure I had to cancel something because of a gig. Oh, yeah. Been there. And so it was like. The ladies love that. Oh, yeah. And it was definitely like I have to make it up.

It was like I don't want to do it. You figure out a thing. And I don't do things. No, you don't like, I have to make it up. It was like it was like it was like, I don't want to do it. You figure out a thing and I don't do things. So I reached out to my boys. You had no ideas. I did not respond. You did not respond to the group text of no. I figured you were in good hands. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone else did.

So originally there was an idea of like getting a hotel. I live in the Lower East Side, getting a hotel on the Lower East Side. And I just I couldn't. It was one of those things where I'm like, so you just want us to spend money to feel like we've sacrificed. Punishment. There was a pool she wanted to use but you had to spend $150 at the bar.

I was like, get the fuck out of here. Listen, I'm all about that. Of course. You spent $150. No pool. You jump in the lake. I thought it was the pool. We went to Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey. There you go. Yeah, I got a cheap motel room.

Cheap motel room, $200. And we went to the boardwalk, got ripped off. You know, $24 to go onto the beach. Very cold. We did all the challenges, the games, Dance Dance Revolution. Oh, boy. You're like a dad out here. Is that dad thing?

You're stepdad. Like, keep the kids happy. I'll take them to the beach. It's cheap. We'll play video games. I'll get them a stuffed animal. I love the games, though. I hate them.

All games. It's all a grift. He's a games boy. It's all a grift. But if you know it's a grift, you only do the ones that are fun. I'm not doing the ones where I'm like,

that's what's gotta be tough with a kid. He wants this big stuffed animal. You're like, please, I'll buy it for you. Let's do something that takes time. Yes, yes.

It's all about killing time. Yes. You just wanna get through the day. So we got this, she got a juice box of like weed, a weed. Oh.

But again, it's all in elevation. You go to these, I just did a Mohegan Sun. Yeah. And you're at these arcades and you're like, this is a casino. There's the first time it really dawned on me, this is a casino for kids. And you get tickets and you go to these prizes and the prizes, you're losing money. Of course. They're winning.

Of course. But they're. That's a good bit. That could be a bit. I've been thinking about it. The idea is there you do it for pogs and stickers at a casino. It's for dinner and sex work. Something like that.

Something. Well, the roller coaster, you get a thrill. And with the blackjack, when you're winning, it's thrilling. So it's the same up and down world, but one is losing money and one is puking. Now, are you a rides guy? Do you do the rides? No, I hate the rides. Why?

I don't like them either. You hate them? Let me tell you what I think. I like a conversation, a beer, a fireplace, a couch. Yes. I remember as a kid, I didn't like Chuck E. Cheese. And as an adult, I don't like casinos. I don't like that thing.

I just would rather be in a bar with not too loud, but I can talk and we can just sit there for hours. That's it. Loud bar, no good. No. I want to chat. I want to talk. I feel like the rides

are embarrassing because you need all this to have a good time. I can have a good time with my buddies. That's it. You get to experience something so rare.

John Marco wants to be in a room that we have to escape. I love escape rooms. I can't believe they last. I see them. I'm like, who's going there? Oh, my God.

Well, Russell missed it for my birthday. We did a, it was called Rage Cage, where you go in a room, you get crowbars and bats. I like activities. Yeah, yeah. I don't like conversation. I like a little bit of structure to my socializing. See, but even- Escape room, we all have a shared goal.

We don't have difference of opinion. We all have one opinion. It's get out of the room i like the idea of smashing things but i think that for me the context the framing of putting it in a experience where i'm having to pay for it i think i would have more fun smashing a tv just out in the free world out in the free world not in like i'm paying 10 or 15 dollars to go into a room and put protective to put protective gear on. I want it to be wild. I want to just like do it. When you go through, when you finish all the keyboards and the whatnot, you then can pay more like a la carte.

To kill someone. To kill someone. $50. We'll send in the guy from the front desk. You can take a crowbar to him. That'll be an app. You want to kill somebody, use this app. But the one ride, we did one ride.

And it was, and again, it's like a boardwalk uh everything's a miniature it's more for kids this is for children yeah but we did the uh the fall you go up really high i hate that i hate it that's a diarrhea machine it's so scary but there was this there was this uh and you were you high high yeah i was freaking out in my head it started to rain and i i'm that guy asked like the the. The 12-year-old working the machine. With the rain, is it okay? He was like, yeah. They don't give a shit.

We've all seen those viral videos of the fat kid. I relate to that. I empathize. You freak out. Oh my God, of course. It's all unnatural. Plus, those things go wrong all the time

people die not all the time enough that I hear about it not all the time you know think about if I'm hearing about it more than three times in my life that's all the time

you know what I mean I think one story that stuck with me was some water slide where the kid went up and it went high enough there was something up here and decapitated

whoa so now I'm really scared of water slides of course But I saw there was this one girl, she went before me and she was there with her like your dad. And she was sobbing so intensely that to me, like that ride, that's how she

learned that she's going to die someday. Like there's something about that ride. And she looks to her father for comfort. What is he doing? Woo! Put your arms up, it's more fun. And I feel like that's, I think that's kind of like with life. You're scared about dying when you're younger and then as you get older at some point, you're like, you know what, put your arms up it's more fun yeah and i feel like that's i think that's kind of like with life you're scared about dying when you're younger and then as you get older at some point you're like you know what put your hands up enjoy it right yeah but that little

girl came off and she was she was traumatized wow she was not ready for what that was yeah yeah that's how i would be i'm not into it it makes me think though i'm always like all right well if you fell out of plane you know sometimes i think about if i had if i died that way i went skydiving once oh yeah i'm like i guess you you would have like a minute two minutes to like what are you gonna do you're gonna flip right you're falling out of a plane like are you gonna scream are you gonna go woo if you're gonna die at the end no parachute i'm not gonna woo um the whole way down, I'm going to be thinking about how I want to keep living. I've often told you this before. What a waste of your last two minutes.

I don't care. I'm just saying, I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying I know that I want to live, you know? Yeah, but we all do. Most of us. But you know it's going to end anyway, so you might as well enjoy it. I know, but there's just something about I know that in the moment I wouldn't be able to do that. You know, you'd be thinking like, oh, maybe I can land somehow.

That doesn't kill me, but you wouldn't be able to. You're going to try to expand your shirt, hope the wind catches. I think everyone thinks that they could try to do something. You try to do everything you can. I always had the thought I'd land in a cross and make people think, maybe this was the guy. We should have given him more spots. Is that what you thought when you went skydiving? I was planning on making it when I went skydiving.

There was something surreal about skydiving where- I can't do it. I mean, I'm scared of heights, too. I'm not that guy. I'm not a skydive guy. Were you attached to someone? You were. Yeah, tandem jumping.

Yeah, for sure. For sure. Yeah, yeah. But when it was scary going up, small plane, you could feel the clouds. But when I was about to jump, I swear to God, there was something in my brain that was like, I can't die. I'm the main character. I can't do it. That's human, like an instinct kicks in.

I think it's why people think they'll win the lottery. It's like, I got this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is going to work out. You know, it's the same weirdo survival thing me it's me i'm the hero i can't die but like it was that part was not scary and i think it was just something in me was like the fear the anxiety was too much my brain was like just just lie to him just just lie to him yeah make him feel good exactly i wonder how many people falling from the sky

have thought i'm gonna make it i'm going to land in a pencil in the ocean and I'll go whoop and come right back out how do you want to die? how? just never no definitely like you know everyone wants the in your sleep thing sure that's what everyone wants I think

I don't want to think I'm waking up the next morning I want to like as I'm going to, I want to be so high on drugs. I don't know what's what. You want to know you're going to die is what you're saying. I want. I don't want to know. All my exes around the bed. I want it to just happen and not be traumatic is my thing.

You know? Good. How would you, how do you want to die? I'd go OD. Really? Yeah. Because then you at least you're high. Give me the heroin needle in the arm.

Boom. I'm out. Sure. Are you thinking of starting heroin? Or just like right when you're right at that age? Yeah. Can you imagine how grandma died at 98 of a heroin overdose? She tried heroin for the first time. I mean, they're who should be doing heroin.

I mean, they're old. You got nothing left. You're going to die in two days anyway. Of course. Live, baby. Well, that's where you really need to legalize drugs. In my mind, it's LSD for people who are going to die. Let them feel.

Yeah. Let them have that feeling where they're like, oh, I'm going into the universe. Yeah. Kids have their whole life ahead of you. You don't need drugs. You're like 15. You've got a boner.

You can get drunk and not hung over. There's young people around. You don't need drugs the old lady gertrude maybe that's how they need to redo drug education just being like listen you're going to need them if people if kids knew eventually you'll get to do this crazy maybe they'd be more chill now yeah i think so also there's a weird health kick going around like i feel like everybody drank their face off and did blow and all this shit. Now I feel like kids are eating kale

and yoga-ing and all that and drinking less. I wonder if it'll come back around though. Probably. I think the people who are drinking are going to keep drinking. I agree that there's a younger, there's a thing where I feel like pot's going to hit the market and kids will be like, no. Maybe.

Just CBD stores. Oh. Yeah. My dad had a thing with pot, so I don't want to do it. I am. Yeah. So you, we were talking just before, you grew up in New Orleans. Russell loves New Orleans.

It's his favorite. Favorite place. Favorite place. Fun town. But you grew up in Treme. Not a great place to grow up. Yeah. So you grew up.

In the city. Wow. In Treme not a great place to grow up yeah so you you grew up the in the city wow in Treme yeah yeah yeah black neighborhood white family got robbed constantly we were broke too they were always disappointed when they came in and uh it was a weird childhood yeah um what uh yeah what's your relation now with the city like My parents, they moved. They're old. They got on the outskirts of the town. They're doing LSD wherever they are, just chilling out. And I just visit them and go into the city. I know the whole city is like the back of my hand. Did they just open up a comedy club there?

I heard they opened a small one, like kind of an indie club. Yeah. I guess I was really surprised. I've been there twice, once for his bachelor party, once for a gig, that there wasn't more comedy. There's so much music. I guess it's tough when the I've been there twice. Once for his bachelor party, once for a gig. That there wasn't more. There's so much music. Yeah. I guess it's tough when the music's really going to be like, we're going to turn this down.

Do a little. I think it's a relatively small city for what people think. It is. Like people think of it as being a bigger city than it is. It's a pretty small city. But yeah, I'm supposed to go the end of the month. I don't know. I'm still, we're still figuring out if we're going to go because of everything, you know,

but they're getting power back now. Oh, because of that? Yeah. And COVID. Everything's just a fucking nightmare. It was like one of those situations where we prepaid, but then you read things and people are like, don't come because blah, blah, blah. And you're like, but I really want it.

Yeah. So I don't know. I don't know. We're figuring it out. It's a boozy town and they don't want to sit and listen to our thoughts on uber or anxiety no exactly i'm here to get away i'm trying to get drunk and listen to a guy a black guy with a trombone you know yes that's why i go yeah there you go well we got so drunk i don't know if we ever talked about it we we had i'm not a huge drinker but it was a bachelor party i'm trying he's more of a weak guy more of a drink guy but

we got uh it was called purple the drink was called trying to push myself. He's more of a weed guy, more of a drink guy. But we got, it was called Purple. The drink was called Purple. Oh, from the feets. Never Clear and Purple Slushy. And it was one of these moments we were halfway through the drink. I've never seen you that drunk. We just looked around the table

and it was like we had taken an edible. We were like, are you guys wasted? I fell asleep on the floor. Wow. I think it was Everclear. That shit's crazy. You almost got hit by one of those carriages where you stepped out

right in front of it and we like pulled you you almost got hit I almost got hit so close to being hit and you had no idea it was a fucking we went to a nice restaurant

where you had to wear a coat or whatever so they made me put on like this extra large chef jacket because I was wearing a tank top just the same

but very southern so you were robbed and but I know this thing that you weren't home, but your parents were tied up. Wow, you heard about that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. I did my research.

Yeah, I didn't know that was out there. Wow. Two guys broke in. I was at a Mardi Gras parade. I was 14. What was on Mardi Gras? Well, it's a two-week long thing. Right, right, right.

Okay, wow. It was on one of the nights, and two it's a two-week long thing. Right, right, right. Okay, wow. It was on one of the nights. And two guys broke in, tied the parents up. You know, guns, where's the jewelry, where's the money, all that shit. And your brother. And my brother. And how old was your brother? He was probably 15, 16.

Jesus fucking Christ. And yeah, just took everything, you know, ran out. My mom had to go to therapy. Everybody's all fucked up. I show up. I see 20 cop cars at the house. The lights are going. What did you think? Did you think your parents were dead when you first saw them? I thought they to therapy. Everybody's all fucked up. I show up. I see 20 cop cars at the house. The lights are going. Did you think your parents were dead when you first saw them?

I thought they were dead. I thought it was over. I was like, it was a long time coming. The whole neighborhood hates us. We're the outsiders, you know? And I just figured somebody broke in and shot somebody. That's what I thought. Yeah.

And then I, you know. Did you see them and run in their arms? I did. I wept. I started crying. I mean, I ran in and there's I did. I wept. I started crying. I mean, I ran in, and there's cops everywhere, and I saw them interviewing my mom, and I was like, oh, thank God. And, of course, I had that 15-year-old moment or 14 where I was like,

let's go get them. So me and my friends drove around looking for the car and trying to fight the guys or whatever. We were idiots. Did you have a weapon? No, no. We just went. Just fist fight these guys? I don't know. We were just hopped up on a weapon? No, no. We just went. Just fist fight these guys?

I don't know. We were just hopped up on adrenaline, and I was angry. I was an angsty kid. How old were you? I was probably 14. Wow. Yeah, I was a freshman in high school. This was a big deal.

I was freaking out. We drove around. We never found him, but they caught the guy at the ATM. Two guys put him in prison. Thank God. Do you know their names? Actually, I do an improv troupe with two of them. No, no, I don't know them.

No, of course not. They were like junkies or whatever. Yeah. The thing about, I fell in love with New Orleans probably like six or so years ago. I went for the first time. When I was a kid, it was the thing of when I first came to new york and i was like i love that place i want to live there yeah and i had the same thing with new with new orleans and i think i like a part of it that's a little dangerous but it also is the thing of like you know you get used to certain ways that you are

here in new york and you're like okay i get how um the homeless here work and things like that and it is different it's different where where you're like the the energy of it is like suddenly you'll be on a street and there's only like there i like in new york that there's so many people yeah that you feel even if you're not you feel much safer and like the the thing of yes no one of the first times i went to new orleans i was like i was on a, we, I think my thing was in, I can't remember. I think it was the Maroney technically where I was staying. And I remember like I was unloading some stuff. I had a car there.

I was unloading some stuff and like a guy just got into the car and he was like, give me money. And I was like, I was like, I was like, oh, I, I had bags. I was like, I don't have any actual money. And I was like, I like looked and there was like, oh, some change in the thing. And I gave him, you know, what I had there. And he was like, he was like, thank you. And then he left. But it was like getting in the car.

I was like, that was such a, that doesn't seem to happen. Like in, in New York is like in, I don't know. It was just the way, like you don't, when I went to LA, i felt the same way where i was like oh it's different here how things operate and and you just if you don't know a city it feels scarier to you yes and it's more lawless there like in new york if you got in somebody's car if you were a homeless guy they'd probably beat you up or be like what the fuck is this and pull you out yeah would film it it'd be a scene in new orleans it's like i'm with this guy it's me and him yeah that we were the only two people on the street so i was like i was like oh here and then he was like oh it's great and he was fine

it wasn't it wasn't but at first i was like oh my god he's in the car with me and i didn't see him so right yeah it's just a thing that you don't know that's so scary yeah yeah it reminds me when i first moved to harlem it was so funny. I was with, I said I moved to Harlem. It was the first time moving to New York City. And I had met the super. And it was a black man with dreadlocks. And I had met him. I knew his name, all this stuff.

And then my roommate moved. He brought his taxi car with all his bags, all his luggage and stuff. And has taken out all the bags. And the super comes up to be like, oh, do you want me to help you with that? And I was like, like sure of course but my roommate who had not met the super thought that some random guy had come to the car and it's one of those moments where like uh i i feel like he got caught you know uh uh being racist yeah yeah because he didn't he thought i was so naive that like a random guy came up to the car yeah and it was clearly informed by the fact that that it was

like a black man with dreadlocks and my roommate was like what are you car and it was clearly informed by the fact that, that it was like a black man with dreadlocks. And my roommate was like, what are you doing? And it was such, and I, I don't think anyone knows, but it was one of those, one of those where I'm sure he felt,

he felt terrible, right? All these things. But it was one of those moments where, you know, he didn't know the neighborhood. He's just like, everything's he's,

he's cautious. He's freaking out. He's it's the same way. You know, you walk around, I can't imagine how many people have just come up to me asking for directions. Yeah. And I've been like, sorry, I can't.

Because I've done other times where someone talks to you. And the moment they start talking to you, there's a sob story. And you're like, fuck. Yeah. I'm stuck here. When I walk and I don't have any money on me and I can honestly say, I'm sorry, I don't have any money. I feel so good.

Yeah. I'm like, I don't have any cash in me right now. Well, I did that the other night. can honestly say i'm sorry i don't have any money i feel so good yeah i don't have any cash well i did that the other night i was dining out like a outdoor restaurant on uh friday night and um a guy came up with flowers to the table of us and he was like he's like hey can you do you gentlemen want to buy the ladies some nice flowers and i was like no no no no we don't have any um we don't we don't have any cash and no one had cash and then he goes i take venmo too and then we were like i was like oh no we don't want that and then you're like so

you should have just said that and i was like oh my god i was like fair enough fair enough but i still don't want the flowers but fair enough it was it was. He was just like, you should have just said that. And I was like, Oh yeah, very nice. I'm sure some people go, go fuck yourself. I tried to let you off easy.

I had a conversation with a friend cause I was like, I don't like being trapped. I don't like being trapped at a thing and being like, I don't like that thing of like, I, there's something about it. If I can't in New York, I don't care if someone says something while I'm on the move,

but I don't like when I was like very much like having like a thing and, and, and it felt like, Oh, you've trapped me here. Yeah. And, and there's no,

the only way you that you feel good about it is that if I give you money, I was in Italy and I don't want to buy flowers. They were ugly. In Italy. There was a, there was a lot of flower guys. I remember being in, uh,

what's the one with all the water? Florence, Venice, Venice, Venice, Venice. And like, it was, So there was a lot of flower guys. I remember being in, what's the one with all the water? Florence? Venice. Venice. Yeah, Venice. Venice. And it was like a hostel and I was trying to flirt with someone and it was late at night and we're talking by a wall and this guy comes right up with the flowers.

And I was stuck. Yeah. And they're just aggressive. Just aggressive in a very different way. Yeah. It seems like Italy doesn't have dating apps because everything is like, hey, mommy, on the street. It's all catcalling. It's like, get on Tinder, you psychos.

What are we doing here? Tinder. Were you mad at your parents? Oh, I had one more question. Go for it. But if you're going to keep neurons. Were you mad at your parents for staying in this fucking neighborhood? I mean, like looking back on it, it seems like... It has a rich historical thing.

It sounds like you were mugged frequently. You were put through trauma. You were living in what was like some big space. Giant mansion. Dilapidated. That they made an Airbnb. They made it into a bed and breakfast because we ran out of income.

Oh, that's why they didn't like you. Huh? Is that why they didn't like you? Because you made it into a bed and breakfast? The neighborhood. No, no. Because that's a... I feel like when i read things now that's intramay especially has been so gentrified they hate it and why do they hate it so much because it's

ruining the neighborhood yeah and it was like it was like a neighborhood that was more affordable near the french quarter where you could like you could go you could walk to the french quarter and now it's been like overtaken by Airbnbs and things like that. And it's like, they hate it. Like, that's why,

like for a while I was like, Oh, I want to buy a place in New Orleans. And then I'm like, well, I don't like, I can't cause the idea would be like, if I did do it,

I would want to like rent it out when I'm not there. And then it's not a city where that's a thing that is like people do like you, you can do it, but it's also hated. Do you know what I mean? Especially that neighborhood. They try to make it illegal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's a big thing. Yeah. And I get it. It's ruining the neighborhood. I get it too, but when I go to town, I use them. This is so cheap. I got this huge New Orleans house. It's nice.

I know, I know. But I won't use them if they're illegal, but they're not illegal yet, so might as well help out a person who lives in San Antonio. Oh, I know. But I won't use them if they're illegal, but they're not illegal yet, so might as well help out a person who lives in San Antonio. Yeah. Oh, God. And so, okay, so you were there, and I'm sorry, I have all these notes. I mean, you were a bedwetter.

You talk about it in your stand-up. Yeah, big bedwetter. And, I mean, it feels like it must have been connected to this. Yeah, I'm 37. I didn't realize that until I was, like, 35. Really? Yeah, I was just like, oh, I was a bedwetter. Kids wet the bed. Some kids do, some kids don't. I was just like, oh, I was a bed wetter. Kids wet the bed.

Some kids do, some kids don't. I was a bed wetter, and apparently it's got to be all trauma. Like my therapist was, we had a good month of like, he's like, what? What? Whoa, that's crazy. No wonder this. No wonder that. So I had a lot to unload, but I didn't know.

Like I had sex with a 55-year-old woman. I was 16. He's like, you're a survivor. I'm like, what? That was awesome. I was like the king of high school. I had no idea any? That was awesome. I was like the king of high school. I had no idea any of that was bad. I was like, how do you know it?

Was this on Tinder? Yeah. No, this is 2000. It was the night before the millennium change. So Y2K was in the air. Yeah, it felt like the world might end. Exactly. It did.

Yeah, it was like skydiving. Like, fuck it. Let's go for it. And she was on a balcony flashing. And I was 16 looking up like, this is pre-internet porn. And she goes, you want to come up? And I said, yeah. And there's more details.

But yeah. First time? First time. First time. Your first time was a 55-year-old woman. Yeah. Maybe 50. But when you're that young, everybody looks like Jennifer Aniston.

They all look like adults. That is funny. It's like a 28-year-old. And she's like, I'm not fucking 50, you fucking child. Oh my God, we're relatively the same age. I'm a little younger,

but I remember the millennium and I was so far from having sex at the time is what I remember. I mean, it came out of nowhere. And that is wild to be like a 55-year-old woman. Wow.

Yeah, good times. And where, so this is in New Orleans? In the Ramada Hotel on Bourbon. Oh. That's such a different first time because- a tourist or yeah yeah her husband was there the whole time he didn't watch but he was on the balcony oh yeah he just closed the door so i think they've done okay yeah wow yeah it was wild jesus fucking christ yeah she's an animal i just think about

i lost perfect when i was 18 and I was senior of high school, and she had had sex before. And even that, I felt like, oh boy, she knows so much more about this shit than I do. And I just can't imagine a 50-year-old just like, I feel so, I just lie there. Yes. I just lie there. You tell me what to do. I'm not going to be like flip over right when I'm of course

I mean that's crazy she directed me and she was very sweet very nice I think she got off on the fact that like I was clueless and I was a teenager

how's your therapist how do you it's one of those things where like it's almost like you're a survivor and you're like it was cool when I was 16

like I don't even know how you unpack that shit yeah yeah I had a great time it was all consensual I wanted to do it yeah I would do it again she told you that shit. Yeah, yeah. I had a great time. It was all consensual. I wanted to do it. Yeah, I would do it again. She's probably dead.

Oh, she's got to be dead. She's got to be dead. Yeah, the husband, I'm sure, killed her. They were kind of bikery and messy. Oh, boy. So did you meet him, talk to him? Nah, I came up. Have a cigarette on the balcony afterwards with him?

Yeah, great tits. I know, right? Yeah, no. I went up there with two friends so there was three of us okay so then we knock on the door she opens it and he goes which one is it and she points to me and he took them on the balcony and they had a couple beers and oh we went to town they definitely have done this before wow you took your friend on the porch oh yeah the balcony out right was your friend disappointed was he like oh i was he worried

maybe he had to go with this guy. I'll go fuck him on the porch. I definitely would be a balcony friend. That's very stressful to me. The situation. I mean, it was a different time. Balcony friend. Yeah.

Yeah. But I just love imagining that couple like, you know, we go to New Orleans once a year and she just flashed her teeth the first 16 year old that looks up. Which one is it? It was like fishing. I was like a bass. I was like, I'm in. She reeled me up and that was it. She gutted me. Was she flashing, was there a parade or she was just flashing out of the blue?

It was bourbon. It was the 90s, 2000. You just flashed. People still do it. It's like even outside of Carnival. Does your wife flash? No, my wife does not flash. But I've been there outside of like parade season or things. And people, you know, you'll just, if you're on bourbon, people will, you know, still do it.

Yeah. Not as much, I think, probably at the height of things. But people still do it. I'm sure the world has shifted a little bit. I remember one time I saw a woman. They're shouting out to the bottom. Can I flash everybody? Is everyone on the street okay? I did see a woman one time there it was like a relative it

was in the winter it was a little i think it might have been during carnival season but like not that busy and we were walking down bourbon and i saw an older woman and her husband walking down the street and people were on the balconies and kind of like some people were throwing beads and stuff and she very coyly pulled out one titty like and then looked at her husband. He was like he like was shocked and she just like pulled it up. I was like, I think me and her husband were the only two people that saw it. But it's like that kind of environment.

I'm going to do this just this once because I'm here. I'm doing this thing, you know. Yeah. Guys would whip it out. It was very wild. It was a wild scene back then. This is pre-camera phone and everything. Oh, yeah. It was doing this thing. Yeah, guys would whip it out. It was very wild. It was a wild scene back then. This is pre-camera phone and everything. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was a different time. Yeah, different before pictures. Before phones on cameras. You imagine before pictures in general where you had to have 20 minutes. You had to stand still with your dick out for someone to take a picture. You just show someone a blur. I swear it was a dick. Yeah.

How about the guy with the poof? Remember that guy with the poof camera? Yeah. You never get a dick on that. Well, that's why I always think those old pictures, that's why they look so unhappy is because they had to hold it for 20 minutes. And I think that's better because I feel like now you smile, you look at pictures, you're like, I was happy then.

I was like, no, you weren't. You were happy for half a second. Right. Back then, you got to see what you felt like most of the time, which was just a very stale mood. It's the dust bowl. It was the depression. They were all bummed.

which was just a very stale mood. Yeah, it's the dust bowl. It was the depression. They were all bummed. So did your brother wet the bed too? Did he have anxiety? Or were you very different? We were different.

He was like a shut-in. He was a recluse. He was obsessed with computers. He was a kid with a DOS booklet when he was 12. And now he has a computer program. He does very well. But he was like, I'm not going out there. And I was like, I'm going out there.

That was my whole thing. And he was like, good luck out there. He wasn't protective at all. We barely talked. But yeah, we were completely different. And were you a funny grown-up? Were you the funny guy in school? Yeah, I think the more I'm always uncomfortable.

So the more uncomfortable I am, the more jokes I crack. And, you know, the trauma and the child, you just felt out of place. The white kid in the black neighborhood, you know, always feeling different and weird. So you try to be accepted. And also my parents were workaholics. They were checked out. So if you got a good line in and you got a laugh, you were like, that was the hug. The laugh was the hug.

And what did they do? They were lawyers for a while they hated it you know they'd tell me like this guy's guilty but i have to uh defend him i'm sick to my stomach and i was like oh yeah yeah and then are lawyers even supposed to tell their kids probably not i think there's something about like you can tell your spouse like i heard something recently about like one of the reasons that many reasons why they wanted gay marriage was like there's some rules if there's some rules about spouses. You can talk honestly with your spouse.

And so there's more attached to that title than one would think just out the gate. Oh, interesting. But your kids, to tell your boozing kid, hey, he's guilty as fuck. Don't tell anybody. I'm putting a transformer together. Is that right? Guilty, huh? Manslaughter.

How about that? Yeah, it was pretty wild. But then they got out out now my mom became a teacher my dad got into real estate so they're doing well now yeah but still workaholic still obsessed that's where i get it i'm always doing sets and running you are a workaholic yeah yeah well i just think this business is such a we're so lucky to be able to do it and it's so easy i mean it's hard to write jokes but like getting up performing going from gig to gig all these comics complain about it i'm like this is heaven we could be in a cubicle we could be i mean i was a furniture mover i was a janitor i did all the labor gigs i worked on a construction site so this you're like i should work hard i mean

we're lucky to even be able to tell our thoughts into a microphone and have people listen. That's such a privilege already. So you might as well treat it with some respect. I think I'm not a stand-up, but I think as a non-stand-up, what is funny is that still to this day you'll go online and you'll see people being like, this is my first time doing stand-up since Boa. And I'm like, how did you? I think that I know that I'm like how did you like I think that's like pre-COVID

I know that I'm not in the world of it but I think that there is still people in the year in September 2021 being like this is my first time doing stand-up in 21 months and you're like that's not COVID yeah you just don't like doing stand-up that much

I feel like as someone not in it you just don't like doing that thing that much. Yeah. My friends would be like, oh, I don't, you know, the outdoor stuff, I just didn't really like it. And you're like, okay.

Yeah. Or I don't know, I don't know what to fucking tell you. And I get it. I don't like it either. I get like a certain thing, but like, I just feel like

there's a, that window is like, you know, you gotta adapt at some point. Yeah, totally. To be like, circumstances are perfect. Look at the number

of fucking Zoom shows I did. I just, I don't have any sympathy for it. I mean, because like the Zoom, I mean, I made my living in December off fucking Zoom corporate shows. There you go. And I would do like five shows back to back, three hours in Zoom. And I'm like, yeah, it's really brutal. Writing new material on Zoom is brutal. Having it work on Zoom and you're like, I think I finished a joke on Zoom, bringing it in person.

And then it bombs and then being like, well, now I don't trust anything i work it was a just a horrible time yeah horrible time still doing any no no i still do a case of a corporate occasional quarter do it for the doors but yeah i just hate bombing at home you know you want to go out and bomb and come back be like all right i got tv here i got my couch but when you bomb at home you're like oh still here that feeling is in the air In your dumb apartment I hate it I think in terms of

Constructing jokes I just Whether it did well Or whether it did badly I never knew For sure I just like Especially like a

Long one liner That I was crafting I was like I don't I don't know I can't tell There's no gauge Yeah It's the same

I did a sidewalk show Last week Which I swore off But they tricked me And I did it And I'm telling like A stuff Like the bulletproof stuff gauge yeah it's the way it's the same way i did a sidewalk show last week which i swore off but they tricked me and i did it and i'm telling like a stuff like this the bulletproof stuff and it's bombing and you're like well this is pointless if the a isn't working then you'd be like there's a homeless guy and they'd be like ah i'm like so look you got to take it as this is a this is an exercise try to make them laugh even if your material is bombing. Even if they're objectively not laughing at good

stuff, just try to figure out and use it as an exercise to learn how to get laughs off the cuff and all that. There is always a way to get something out of it. Now that you have a significant fan base, when you headline I'm Sure on the Road, you have a lot of people who like you, and you've seen

the comics who have a fan base and get worse. do you that's pretty much all of them all of them yeah all of them there's like four four people who i'm like this guy's still great and like what's your how do you how do you break it how do you trust do you ever not trust when you're at these super when you're at a white hot show and you're like yeah fuck i don't i don't know if i trust this anymore yeah of course but that's why i do all the weird shows. Exactly. I go to Brooklyn. I go to the Queen.

I did a black room in the Bronx last week. That was a whole other world. And you got to mix it up. Yeah. Yeah. And it sucks and it hurts and you want to just go where it's comfortable. But you'll be a better comic if you don't. So, okay.

So you're in New Orleans. You go to college. You dropped out of three colleges? Failed out. Failed out. Yeah. Sure. Okay. Yeah. We're being college. You dropped out of three colleges? Failed out. Failed out. Yeah. Sure. Okay.

Yeah. We're being honest. Dropped out. And when it was happening, did you have any plan or were you just living day to day? Were you like, I'm going to grow up and do this? Day to day. I had no comedy dream because I had such low self-esteem. Comedy was like this.

That's like being an astronaut. What am I? Yeah. Fucking Jerry Seinfeld. Get out of here. But you loved it. You liked comedy? I loved it growing up. I watched it. I consumed it i had mark's brothers stacked up vhs tapes i was

obsessed with all laurel and hardy abedin castell all that shit s old snl i love bill murray all that shit and uh but i was just a drunk idiot from new orleans from louisiana who the hell am i and my parents are so smart my brother's so smart, and I was not as smart as them. They're intellectuals. And so I just was like this loser. And I worked at a restaurant. One of the other waiters did it. He said, you should try it. I think you'd be good at it or whatever.

And I tried it and it went horribly, but I just got hooked and went back every day. The Lucy's Retired Surfer Bar? Well, that was the second one. First one was in Lafayette, Louisiana. I wanted to go far away because I was so embarrassed to try it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't want anyone to know about it. I didn't want to see anybody I knew, so I drove three hours to do five minutes in the deep glass. People watch me like,

that's the guy whose house we robbed the other week. Oh, my God. Yeah, exactly. We should give it back to him. He looks like he's struggling. Right, right. Was that first show,

was there anything good? Anything that popped? I think I had a yeast infection at the time. I was hooking up with a soccer player chick, and she was all messed up downtown with just the games and the sweat. Sure. So she gave me jock itch. So I was talking about that, and that did pretty well.

Yeah. Yeah, and I did a whole horrible joke. She had a yeast infection. I got sourdough. And they're like, ugh. But it got something. And I could feel like there's something here. And I just kept writing.

And I was like, Family Feud. It's weird how they always say good answer. Write that down. And they just have this booklet of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you get hooked. And you meet all the other comics. And we all hung out and did shit.

And here's a gig out in this town. Let's go drive there together. And it was fun. And I had my world now. i never had a world yeah and never i think sex is definitely my like my first bit like the first bit was an ex texting me what kind of ky did we use yeah like there's just something about sex yeah that is so cute that you're like something's funny about of course well it's taboo and it's it's And it's universal. We all fuck. You know, Nairobi to Portugal, they're all fucking.

And then animals fuck. And then fucking is weird to talk about. It's like, you know, risky. So that makes it funnier. So, yeah. Yeah, it's always a go-to. It's a go-to. I have so much dirty.

Sometimes I think of a new dirty joke. I'm like, I don't need this. I know. I know. But then I did a prison gig, i think pre-covid last year and like you know i i remember uh one of their cell doors was open and the the walls are plastered in graphic porn women holding themselves open yeah you can see out their mouth they're holding themselves up so wide yeah and i thought i was like these guys want to talk about sex and i it was like noon but i just did the filthiest set i

had and it was a blast sure it was a blast these are guys these are in prison they haven't you know they haven't in decades right and so like just to talk about it they're just thrilled it's so funny to them that's great but see like your dmv no not ds casino thing yeah yeah if you can blow that out and get something out of that to me me, I'm like, that's good comedy. Like this idea you had that no one else had and it, but it makes sense. And to me, I'm like,

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I wanted to bring it up. So I woke up. I tweeted. I saw, you know, Kevin Sorbo? I'm going to talk about this thing because I was so worried that you were mad at me. Oh, no. I was up. I tweeted. I saw, you know, Kevin Sorbo? I'm going to talk about this thing because I was so worried that you were mad at me. Oh, no. I was confused. So Kevin Sorbo, he's Hercules.

Big right-wing guy. Yeah, yeah. Big right-wing guy and tweets like kind of just the most conservative right-wingy jokes. But there's a lot of young comics who imitate you. Oh, really? That's a shame. But there's a lot of young comics who imitate you. Oh, really?

There's a lot of like. That's a shame. But it was like, you are very good in the same way Seinfeld of like a real simile. Like you set up the simile and then you just punch it out. Yes. And so Kevin Sorbo did something about like wearing a mask in your car is like wearing a condom in bed. And it was just like something about the kind of the raw simile of it. It just reminded me of someone trying to imitate you. So I did.

I retweeted it with like Mark Norman voice. And then some of my friends wrote you. I was so scared. I woke up as if I was worried. You thought I was making fun of you. I was. I was comparing you to Kevin Sorbo. And I was like, no.

I wake up. I'm in bed. I'm like sleeping. I'm like, oh, fuck. I remember you telling me about this. Fuck, i pissed off mark norman oh son of a bitch well you know how comics are you can call my mom a whore you can kick my dad but if you attack the act or your writing or whatever what the fuck you can call

me ugly or whatever so i was like is this guy going after my act and then somebody sent it to me so it made it seem like you were yeah that's what got me if i would have seen that i'd be like ah look at that that's kind of flattering and i didn't know who sent it until later i'm doing a gig and the guy one of the guys opening was like oh by the way i think i've fucked up i sent mark moment this thing and i was like you son of a bitch yeah we we but i'm glad we that's what humans should do sane people should hash it out and and talk like adults which we did and it made it all better yeah otherwise it would just fester and stew, like,

does he hate me? And I'm in the shower going, what's this guy's deal? Or whatever. Yeah. Just get it out, confront. Of course.

We did one of our, one of, I think it was one of my first post-COVID, I mean, it was in the middle of COVID, but it was like an outdoor gig we did

with Syrian Jews, the community. We went, it was Olga Nehmer set up the gig. It was outdoors. Half the people were, the community. Do you, we, we went, it was Olga Nehmer, uh, set up the gig. It was outdoors. Half the people were at the bar.

There was a big pool, beautiful outdoor space. Oh yes. The pool. The stage, the stage was like covered in like a curtain. So it was very slippery. Yeah.

And, uh, I hosted, or maybe I went first, but I like went first, first. Yeah. And, uh, I like like i did not do great

how many but i remember you you said something just like you you acknowledge whenever you there's always this thing of like people will not understand when i don't do well if like it's a tough audience i'm like no one's gonna think it was the audience they're gonna think the audience is great of course and i sucked and every comedian knows yeah and you said something along those lines like oh you you really cracked them. You really got them. But I was so self-conscious. It was post-COVID.

And it was like some of those first sets back, I really. Nightmare. Nightmare. We're rusty. They're rusty. No one knows what comedy is. It's outdoors. It's like swimming with weights on.

The whole thing sucks. This is just the word. Half the people were at the bar. And people kept migrating to the bar gradually over the course of the show and by the time like brian makes scott mcfadden was was the headliner but by that time 10 people were left in the audience the bar was so how many people were on the lineup i was like five and it was like it was like all like all pros yeah yeah we were taking we were taking them all any gig that came along at that time period we were taking them yeah any gig that came along at that time period we

were taking them yeah oh yeah that was a weird time that was felt like apocalyptic you know who's got covid who's yeah who's gonna die are we ever gonna come back is this how life is this group did not take covid seriously for sure this particular group was not i think that that's what's stressful is that you're still in a time where you're like doing things and i like i just saw you at that the i went to your show at the casino and it's a packed show and you're watching and they they they're having a great time that you killed but as someone you know you're there and i'm like i'm vaccinated i'm you know blah blah but you're like it's a packed room i just feel like there's not a way to like fully relax and enjoy like there is thing and you had said like oh i made jokes the night before about vaccine jokes that are pretty pro vaccine but they

were i thought they were decent jokes but i noticed that mohegan sun like i was doing well and then i did that and then i fucking half the audience went cold oh and i was like wow a lot of people are unvaccinated yeah yeah and i was just going hard at them so that's in my mind you know yeah that's happening so yeah it's i don't think we're at a place where people can fully just be like and like not you know not aware of everything around them yeah i i worked a club i won't say it on here but but the the person at the entrance is supposed to check make sure everyone's vaccinated and obviously this is like a barkton club yeah no no way so a lot of people would be like oh no i don't have my vaccine card and he was like all right just show me your phone yeah and then put it away and then i'll just

say oh my god and i saw it like happen in front of me and i was just like oh god i was like of course what you think you think you think all these companies out there, they're all of a sudden going to have a tip-top shop where they're going to check everyone's card to pack in their room as tightly as they can. Get the fuck out of here. The vaccine is such a fascinating sociological experiment because I know nurses who won't get it.

Wild. It's all very fascinating. And then some people are like, it's the government, the microchip, and all that. And the whole country's split on this vaccine. And you're like, I don't know. It's all very fascinating. And then some people are like, it's the government, the microchip, and all that. And the whole country's split on this vaccine. And you're like, I don't know. It's pretty cool. It's cool to see where people go with things.

Like, oh, I didn't know you were that type of guy. I didn't know you were that guy. But when it all comes down, you know, comes out of the wash, you get to see kind of who people are. Russ was writing a sketch about a game show where you have to guess which of your friends is not vaccinated. Because there's some people surprising. Yes, exactly. exactly and you're like you can't always track it and then you're like oh oh you're not like it is like oh you know and then once in a while you're like they seem like they'd have all the indications that they wouldn't be vaccinated especially in new york if i wasn't i'd walk around and feel like i know new york is different i'm from upstate so

it's like you know it's a little different upstate well shame is real like you live in new york and i there's people in new york who don't want the vaccine but they're like i don't want to just be around people who have it and they start talking about how shitty people are who don't have it so you just fucking get it but you go out to montana they're like proud to not get it and so it's i think what i don't understand is like i understand being scared of medicine scared shots i'm more scared of my body in general i'm just more scared of my body betraying me than the government yeah there's such a confidence in my own body like people have such a that's what i don't get and then and they're always the people you're like yeah not this no this body kind of rascal when

i got covid i was like i'm done i'm gonna die I was like, I have no... Oh, you got it. I got it before the vaccine. A couple days ago. And I was like... No. I was like, you know, it's hard not to... The mental stuff around it. Sure. I'm a big guy.

I wanted to do a stand-up. I wish he did stand-up because you said a lot of people were calling to check in on you. I know. I was like, that's how fat I knew I was. That's good. Because people every day were like... It was like one of how fat i knew i was that's because people every day were like it was like one of those things we're like it's sweet but i know what you're saying to me you're just like hey how you feeling today buddy every day um but yeah you think there's

people on the far right who pretend to be more oh no wait there's people on the left who pretend to be right online to get to get by with i know people who are very on the right who pretend to be right online to get to get by with i know people who are very on the right who pretend to be left in new york like online oh sure so you can hide in the in the tall grass but do you think it goes the other way other people live in very right wing places and they're hiding it and online they're like trump 2024 but at home they're like oh god i love kamala you know or whatever yeah i think there's many politicians, I was always so curious of the politicians who hated dealing with Trump on the right, who probably went home and they're like,

oh Jesus Christ, could he just not do this one thing? I'm sure they all do. I think though you see what's interesting right now is you see the split of like people at the very, very top on the right who definitely have been vaccinated. They're working in places that are fully vaccinated and and then the middle level of people who really believe what they're saying like the radio hosts that are all dying because they weren't vaccinated and and you're like

there's this level of like there's people higher up that are like they don't they they're they're touting these things but they're they're. They're fully working at Fox News, which requires everyone to be vaccinated. And they don't really, it's not the life that they're living. And then you have mid-level people who are like, I believe it fully, and then they're dying. Someone tweeted, that's where you can see

where the grift ends, or where the smarter people are. The smarter people in this scam are vaccinated. They're higher politicians, but this lower level of conservative radio hosts, they don't know that what, that their people up here supporting them are bullshitting them. So it's just like,

you see where that cutoff is. It's maybe, we're probably just hearing about these radio people more often than others, but it's funny how many seem to have. Yeah. It's probably, yeah. I don't,

you know, there's probably a lot of ones we're not hearing about, but yeah. So you, you left new Orleans and you were doing standup. Yeah. And you're, you know, there's probably a lot of ones we're not hearing about, but yeah. So you left New Orleans and you were doing stand-up. Yeah. And you're doing well? You're like...

There was like seven of us, so like if I got a couple laughs, it was one of the better sets. Could you headline? No, God no. Okay, so you go to New York, big move. Big move. But you had a friend who was up here that you knew? I knew Sean Patton up here. Sean Patton.

Yeah. And so you get here, but then is that when you went to the film school? No, that was years ago. Oh, really? Yes. Was that one of the schools you were, or did you not consider that? Is that number four? It was like a summer thing.

What is it called? This is New York Film Academy. New York Film Academy, which in my experience, and I don't fully know this, but was brutally bad. It was this place that – Complete racket. I remember I knew about it as a kid because they were great about advertising. I remember it was in Rolling Stone magazine. They were flyers, super advertised.

And it was like the school – I did a couple of the student films because I was an actor first. Are you from here? No, from D.C., Maryland. Oh, okay, okay. But I moved right here was an actor first and are you from here no from DC Maryland oh okay okay but I moved right here as an actor and some summers I did these two films

some of the worst they would take a lot of international students yes a lot a shit load of international students who like

came to be the next Martin Scorsese and it's easy to scam them yeah and I just remember like being in the the third second year

third year film and it was like the biggest piece the one I did it was like the whole piece. The one I did, it was like, the whole scene was, I have an STD, it's Sunday, all the hospitals are closed, so I go to my sister who's a nurse,

and she answers the door, and I'm like showing her my junk. Luckily, we didn't do that, literally, but from behind. And she's like, brother, why are you making me look at your dick? And I'm like, please, you have to. And it was something like, I got a genital piercing.

And then I had sex before it recovered. And horrible, horrible, horrible script. Wow. And it was okay because my sister was a lesbian. It was very experimental. Can we get that online? Can we pull that up? I will try to find it.

Oh, God. I will try to find it. That would be great. She's definitely still Facebook friends. There's a musical theater Equivalent of that Isn't there Like New York Film Academy

I don't think they turned This film into a musical No no no Adapting the The racket The What's that thing called You know

Oh like a musical Yeah Like it's a college But it's like It's like in New York And it's very Like it's It robs people

I forget it Yeah yeah I'll think of it, I'm sure. But this was this, so you went to that. I did, yeah. Did you have dreams of being a filmmaker? I did. I wanted to be like a Woody Allen type, minus the Asian daughter.

But I was like, yeah, I want to be Woody Allen. I want to move to New York. I want to live, baby. And I hated it. I hated all of it. I hated how, what's the opposite of micromanage? You know, with stand-up, you're independent, you're alone, you write it, you go on stage. Movies, you need the actors, you need a script, you need a gaffer, you need an editor, you need all the camera guys.

So I hated that part. I want to just get to it. And so, yeah, I hated it. And nobody took it seriously. Blah, blah, blah. The whole thing sucked. My movie sucked. I brought it back.

Do you still have your movie? Oh, I threw that in the fire. Put that on patreon baby it was exclusive so bad my mom watched it she was like this is really bad i could tell she was mad because she spent this money on the school and she's so bad that's words oh my god really she let me have it and i was so embarrassed and i was wildly depressed because i was doing open mics at night during this whole film school thing. And that was like, this is what I like. Fuck the school. And so I moved back home depressed because I didn't

know it, but I was missing stand-up. I was bummed. And then I moved back up after I got into stand-up a little more. And then I knew the city and everything. So it was worth it. Do you think it's good that your mom was like that? Do you wish you had a mom who'd been like, oh, I see,

oh, that line was funny? I could have used a little bit. A little bit. A little bit of that would be nice. It's a fine line. I mean, there's some comics I know

with some very supportive parents and they are very bad comics. Yes. And like, there is just like, there is this balance that if I was a parent, I really don't know

because I think I would lean towards supportive. Yeah. I think I would lean towards supportive. Yeah. I think I would lean towards being like very like I'm proud of you. Constructive. Yeah, but it's a tough one. It's a tough one. Yeah.

I mean, look, you don't want to go too far. Like, look at the old days. You had Jewish boxers. You'll never see a Jewish boxer now because Jewish guys are doing well or Jewish people are doing well. And the mom is there and everything. Back then, it was like my dad died in the Holocaust. I moved here from Hungary. I'm on a box. I'm desperate. And now they're all

accountants. They're doing great. It's the same with comedy. Do you have it that good? Are your parents super supportive? It's probably not going to work out. You need a little bit of that grit, that push. I'm trying to think if there's any great comics from great childhoods. I think Nick Kroll

apparently had a decent childhood. But even still, you can have a mental... Yeah, you gotta be fucked up and there's gotta be something. There's gotta be something. Otherwise, why would you do it? I mean, that's what does annoy me

as much as I talk about how hard I work. I hate these people who say, hey, being a comic's so easy, but I'm like, yeah, but I also gave up a decade of my life to just eat shit and climb my way to the top claw and all this and now it's easy but before it

sucked yeah yeah yeah and to stay to stay good as yeah that too i mean stay sharp you know you're pumping out you're pumping out a lot you gotta pump out that's what annoys me about these fucking suits these execs they're like here here, do the Netflix half hour. I'm like, well, I'd like to get an hour. And they're like, just do the half hour. Then you write another half hour. You get the hour. I'm like, you know how hard it is to write a half hour?

Yeah. How long that takes. How many things have to happen to you. How many failures you have to have to try and fail and tweak a fucking half hour. But it's the name of the game. Have you put out anything that you're like, that was not ready? I shouldn't have put that out. Totally.

I have a Conan that's embarrassingly bad. Really? I speed through the whole thing. Some have a million views or 800,000. This one has 300,000, and I don't blame them. It's really a poor performance. Oh, boy. An hour special on Comedy Central.

I feel like there's some great nuggets in there, but I didn't know how to blow out an hour. I didn't know how to close and open and pace and all that. So pretty embarrassed by that. But I take clips out of it for Instagram. Of course. This is a good bit, but as a whole, not good. I feel like that.

Well, I write a lot, but I do not like ordering. I recorded something last year, but putting it in order is not something I've done very often. That's important. And it's important. And then, but you know, I'm not headlining so frequently that I'm like, oh, okay, I'll do this. I'll do the new stuff. It's always just like an hour of exploring.

But I'm saying like, even the art of like, what is it to put together an hour is a foreign concept to me. You know, it's just like, start strong, a lot of jokes. You earned a story. Back to jokes, earn another story. That's good. To a certain extent, like, start strong, a lot of jokes, you earned a story. Yeah, yeah. That's a joke, earn another story. Right.

That's good. Sure, but that's it. Like, if you could write it down in a paragraph, that's not art. Right. I mean,

that's just kind of paint by numbers to a certain extent. The only way is just by doing it and failing and trying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're doing the right,

you're going the right direction and making progress. But it is painful. Like, there's a lot of trial and error. Was there any part of you where you released this on your own and you have your own control? Sure. And then you go back to do the Netflix, because obviously it's Netflix. Yeah, of course.

You know, who can say no to that? But was there ever like, oh, you're controlling your narrative so well, stand-up wise? Yeah. Everyone told, I asked 10 comics, nine of them said, don't do it. Really? Yeah. And one of them said,

do it. And he was so convincing and he made great points that I did it. Yeah. Yeah. More just about people seeing? Is it people who see it?

Well, he made the point of, he's Nate Bargatze, I don't know if I'm supposed to say, but he did it and it changed his life. Yeah. Yeah.

So, everyone else I asked didn't do one. And so he's like, yeah, do it. It changed my life. Just blow it out. it changed his life. Yeah. Yeah. So everyone else I asked didn't do one. And so he's like, yeah, do it. It changed my life. Just blow it out. Have your best material. Kill it, and people will see it.

And he's like, you already got YouTube. YouTube is there. You got 7 million whatever. This is new groups, and it's global, and people will see it and be like, this has got the Netflix badge on it, that they wouldn't think, well, anybody's got to have a YouTube.

I'm not watching that. I'll watch this though. So he had all these great points and I was like, yeah, fuck it. And if it fails, I'll go back to YouTube. So I have the option of that. How much time was there in finding out the hour and then doing it? Wait, what do you mean? How long did you know about the Netflix that it was coming up

that you had to prep that? Oh, not long. Not long. a couple months. Okay. Wow. Cause they're like, we want to get this out. We want to get COVID still and like have people, uh,

still kind of stuck indoors, you know, to get the eyeballs. Sure. That's tough. That's I mean, when they rushed stuff, I know,

I mean, I know God knows the stand of specials out there that I'm always like, they must've gotten a lot of money to pump that out really quick. Oh, yeah. And you see it in the work. You see it. Oh, yeah. And I think it,

I think long run, it must hurt you. You know, your fans, slowly some fans go, they don't need to see the next one. They don't, that's what you lose. That's what you lose.

You release one bad thing. I think you're right. I think you're right. Unless they truly love you, they're like, eh, we tried him. It's over. Same with doing the road. Like, if you go do the same show a year later at the same hour they're like for sure it's already

because comedy is like magic it's got to be a trick yeah or else it's pointless well i talked about it where i i was in the green room with jay leno at flappers and he was like super but he talked about i asked him i said why have you never put out a special wow and he was like he's like are you crazy i go back to pittsburgh in four years they don't know they go this is all new i'm like no it's fucking not they just forgot and i'm like i guess four years four years maybe four years yeah it was very funny because he was like super very generous very nice but he really talked about money in the way that I feel like maybe you would talk about money and not someone who has $600 million or whatever he has in the bank. He just talked about money in a way where I'm like, why does that matter to you at all? Yeah.

You could just sell a car. He's nutty. He had a weird childhood, I think. Did he? He grew up super poor and he had to start working at 12. He's one of those guys. Yeah. Parents, they're from Scotland.

I think his mom is Scottish and she was off the boat. Dad's Italian off the boat. Like he was he was all in. Which which of your your jobs was the least favorite since this is the down? So what was the worst one? The least favorite was probably. Well, I worked at the New York Film Academy when I came back. I was so desperate.

I just showed up here with 800 bucks and I needed a job so I went back to Film Academy and said you remember me I used to go here can I work here and they were like alright start sweeping that's the only thing graduates that's what they prepare you for is to work at the New York Film Academy the only job you can get is working there after that fucking school

so I started being a file clerk there was a big room full of file cabinets and I had the ladder with the wheels on it, and I had cuts all over my hand. I still hate manila to this day, just filing and filing. They wouldn't go digital. So that sucked. And then they made me the registrar.

So I had to kick kids out for not paying the bills or not showing up to enough classes, attendance. So I don't want to kick anybody out. I'm telling some Polish kid, like, yeah, you've missed 12 days in a row. You got to go. And he's like, but I don't have what good. I was like, I know I'm trying to live my dream too, man. This is a nightmare. I got like an ulcer from it. It was like I quit eventually. What is an ulcer again? I always forget. Just stressed out, like pee and blood. And it was like this pain in my stomach. It was a nightmare. What do they have to do to fix it? You just kind of like chill out. I took some medicine

and you can't drink coffee. You can't drink booze. It irritates it. Oh my God. It was bad. I had all these cankers. It's just stress stuff. But I hated that job.

God, that was hell. But then I moved furniture and I was a janitor and I was like, this is so much better. Furniture, to me, furniture in New York seems like it would be brutal.

Every time, I have this, someone reach out for sponsored content for a grill, much better furniture to me furniture in new york seems like it would be brutal every time i have this so someone reached out for sponsored content for a grill a barbecue grill and i just like it was money they give me a free grill and i was going to give it to russell and then russell didn't want it i don't have use for a grill i just wanted the money and i have this grill but like i'm moving it up these two flights of stairs yeah i was like you know what give me the money back i don't want to do any of this. I'm going to leave it on the side of the road. Fuck.

I can't. But here's the thing with moving. The couch won't yell at you. That's what I like. I like that. It's very like, this is physical. There's no mental stress of the thing. And there's no like, yeah, if you're doing a bad job,

the thing is not often going to talk back to you. Yeah, the confrontation of a day job and the how you doing, the fluorescent lights, cold out there, tough weekend, that would eat away at me. All that shit, that corporate kind of office-y jargon and that lifestyle, I couldn't handle it. Do you have a movie, though, where they stayed with you the whole time, like, watch it, watch it? Oh, I've had that. That's a nightmare. Yeah, where they stayed with you the whole time? Like, watch it, watch it. Oh, I've had that. That's a nightmare. Yeah. When they would watch you.

I remember we moved these two gay guys. We moved from Upper West to Brooklyn. Beautiful browns on there, clearly rich. They had all these African artifacts. And we're just like, and he's like, easy. That's $8,000. And I'm like, oh, God. And we got everything in, and I nicked one vase, and they fucking flipped on us.

I remember it was like this eight hour moving day. It was a nightmare. But did you really fuck up this face? I chipped it and just a little piece of the size of a golf ball just went, fell right off and hit the floor. And I was like, oh, it was like the last piece. It was out of a movie. And they were like, what the fuck? That's from, you know, Uganda or whatever the hell.

So it was bad. Those places. But yeah, it was bad. But yeah it was wild. I often feel like in those circumstances you're like there was probably a moving company that was more expensive that would have been better than like my thing. Like I just feel like there's

like you know sometimes people don't want to pay the top dollar and then but they expect the full thing. Well I've talked about Mike Racine moved me here and you know Mike. Yeah I love Mike. Well, I've talked about it. Mike Racine moved me here. And you know Mike. Yeah, I love Mike. And I went in the U-Haul because he couldn't find the parking. So I stayed in the U-Haul while he brought stuff in.

And I turned it on to turn the AC on. But I don't know cars. I can't drive. Okay. So I did the thing where I turned the battery on. Oh, yeah. So when he got there, it was dead. And man, I think like he was being very and i'm like

mike he'll scare me he's just something about him like i feel like he could cut me to the core sure i feel like he could say something about my personality that would like fuck me up for the day yeah and he was like really nice about it in the moment and then later like you know after i paid him the money made some comment but i felt terrible But I felt terrible. Yeah, he used to be a garbage man. He's a street guy. He's from Jersey, Italian guy. I wouldn't fuck with Mike. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He painted this wall. Oh, but he is sweet. He's a great guy. He's sweet. He's sweet. Yeah. He's sweet. Great guy.

Unless you're a rat. If you're a rat. He'll fucking drown you. He's got that Italian thing. He's like, I'm just fucking rats. Okay, and the last thing before we get to our our doubts so you're you're engaged yeah crazy huh

congratulations how do you like that I never thought I would be that guy but uh great gal and uh we get along so well and I'd like to have kids

I think so really I'm trying to get that sped up did you always want kids or is this a recent thing no I'm getting older

I'm pushing 40 I'm gonna be 38 in a couple weeks so uh yeah I guess she's been pushing it pretty hard by the way sure sure so how long were you guys uh together probably five six years that's nice wow yeah so it's not new of course uh we live together we get along we go on trips it's great uh never had a gal this feels this right and uh yeah i dated a girl for 13 years before this. 13 years? Yeah, yeah.

Maybe 12. So wait, how old were you when you started dating her? High school. Sweetheart. Oh, wow. And you stayed together. Was there ins and outs? Backs and forths?

A little, but not really. It was one of those things where it got comfortable. We were just buddies. Our parents knew each other. And it was comfortable. And it just became routine. Then we moved to New York together, so that was a thing, and comedy kind of got in the way, and then it fizzled,

but it was an ugly fizzle. Sure. The comedy is tough. It's tough. This is the first real girlfriend I've had. At least she gets the world you're in. She gets the world, but like, and people always say that,

but like, getting the world doesn't change the feeling you have when Saturday plans are canceled. Of course, of course. And like, when the spot is like an unpaid spot

at a ba-ba-ba, and I'm like, I know, but I need because I'm working, you know, I'm obsessive, I'm obsessive. Women love plans.

They love, and that late night, they need that dinner time. They need that movie, the cuddle, the Netflix and chill. That's all comedy time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're losing all that. Yeah, that's the thing where I'm just like weekends. People sometimes ask me for like a Friday night plan.

I'm like, no. Oh, get out of here. It's my girlfriend is, or like my three best friends get this slot. Priority. Yeah. And also the Jewish, there's so many fucking holidays. My God. Oh. There's so many slot. Priority. Yeah. And also, the Jewish, there's so many fucking holidays,

my God. Oh. There's so many holidays. Tomorrow's a holiday. Well, Rosh Hashanah's like a long, it's a long thing. Yeah.

And it's just tough. It's tough. It's tough. And hopefully, I'll be at a place or she'll be at a place where we're both making enough money that like,

if she wants to come to, I'm headlining the Albany Funny Bone the Sunday after you're there for the weekend. Oh, nice. Because I got all, people were commenting on this TikTok and they were like, I'm headlining the Albany Funny Bone the Sunday after you're there for the weekend. Oh, nice. Because I got people commenting on this TikTok and they were like, I'm seeing Mark Norman there. And I was like, come the next day too.

And they're like, no, that's too much. Right, right. Where I'll get to a place where she'll come. But I also, there's also a thing with the road where I'm like, I get to really live that like, I'm just writing all day, doing stand-up all night. Yes, I love that. And I think like, you know, the pull away and the push, sometimes that's good for a relationship.

I agree, I agree. Definitely. Yeah, let the heart grow fond and get away. And it's good to get out of the city and then come back to the city and sit in a hotel room for a full day with air conditioning

and just go like, ah. I love a good hotel. I love a hotel. I love hotels. Nobody's mad at you. You just got your feet up. You can hit the pool. You can like really, really like get lazy. I love hotels. Nobody's mad at you. You just got your feet up. You can hit the pool.

You can really get lazy. I like the furniture doesn't yell at you. There's no people around. Now, you said, do you think you're on the spectrum? I think so, which I know everybody says. Do you ever want, yeah, but do you ever want to test? Everyone does say, and everyone also diagnoses other people now, too. Whenever something is mildly weird, they'll be like, oh, he's always late.

I think he's on the spectrum. Well, everyone technically is on, that's why it's a spectrum. Sure. So we're all on there'll be like, oh, he's always late. I think he's on the spectrum. Well, everyone technically is on, that's why it's a spectrum. Sure. So we're all on there somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think I'm definitely in there. I think I miss a lot of social cues.

I think I'm always awkward. I can't make eye contact, which is like apparently a big autism thing. I'm looking dead between you guys. Yeah, no, I've noticed. I've noticed. And it's nothing,

some people take offense to it. I'm like, no, no, it's me. I'm a weirdo. Yeah. Why don't you go get a test? That's a good chunk of material just waiting for you. I did a couple things on it,

but then I saw a lot of other guys doing it, so I... But take the test. I should take the test. Would you like to know? Don't you think it would be cool to have an answer? Yes, of course, of course.

I should. I just don't like taking tests. I still might have AIDS. Do you know what that's a symptom of, being on the spectrum? No way. No, I'm joking. I'm just saying like take the test.

Oh, I believe you. You see? Yeah. Well, I just remember I went on a couple of dates with someone who had ADD. Oh, yeah. That's real. And I remember being like, oh, I have ADD. And they were like, how many times have you lost your phone?

I was like, well, I've never lost my phone. And they were like, I've lost it 20 times. And I was like, oh, okay. Wow. If I'm a little scatterbrained. Yeah. You have ADD. Yeah.

It's that kind of thing. I didn't know losing a phone was a thing. It's not like losing phone per se, but it's just about like putting something down and then totally forgetting. On to the next thing. On to the next thing. On to the next thing. But I think mild thing,

like I, I've mild OCD and I've certain things that like, it's good that I know if I want to take some medication for that particular thing. Yeah. Definitely one of the better things to have because A, your shit probably is organized and B, your stove's going to be off. You know, if you got OCD. I check it all, all the time. There you go.

It's a real crazy thing. Yeah. Could be where and you're aware of it. Whereas if you're autistic or schizophrenic, you just think you're normal you're fucked up yeah yeah that is true well with that let's go into our our next segment this has got to stop um uh russell i forgot to tell you should think of one i have one oh good good for you uh well do you want to start together this yeah i'll start this has got to stop again it's it's about you great uh you have got to stop calling me on the way to record this podcast. Because in my mind, a call is, it's canceled today.

Turn around on the subway. I'm 45 minutes away and I'm on the train. You know I'm on the train. Given the timeline, I think he's calling, it's dramatic, I've got to turn around. And you've done the last two recordings. And in my head, both recordings I've been like, oh, they canceled today. Okay, I'll turn around and go home.

And then it's just like something unrelated at all that you could easily text and be like, hey, can we blah, blah, blah. And so do not call me when I'm on the way to see you. You have friends that you do podcasts with. Do you ever struggle with like, you know, you want to talk to them outside the podcast? Of course. The communication is when I'm on the subway, you know that I'm not going to be able to talk and answer while I'm riding here. It's in the, if it's in.

I got it. All right. I'm just going to stop. You're never going to get a call from me again. No, no, no. Call me any time outside of the time that I'm on the way here. Because then I'm like, it seemed a call is so serious. It's a serious, dramatic thing.

And so I feel like, especially if you're on the way to see someone. So I just feel like a text would be like, okay, I'm on. You got it. You got it. I'm not really mad. I'm just telling you. No, it's going to stop. This is one of the few times I'm in control of something that can stop.

How do you do it with, with Joe? Do you ever have a conversation with Joe? All the time. All the time. We, I just love them. I could sit there with him for a diner hang for five hours and talk about everything. So we do a call at least once a week. Do you have that moment?

Like sometimes with Russell, I know, and I fight it because in my head like a stand up I'm like oh let's recreate this moment we had on the podcast. Oh it never works. It never works. Yeah. But you're like

sometimes I have a conversation I'm like this should be it. This is the podcast. How long have you guys been doing this? March? April? Yeah.

Oh alright so not even a year. I think that whole phone call chemistry or whatever you want to call it, the rapport, will get to here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it isn't already. No, it definitely feels good.

It's just like, it's always an interesting thing where especially it's the moment when he comes a little bit earlier and we talk. Yes, yes. And there's sometimes I want to be like, shut up, shut up, shut up. This is so nice.

Especially if we haven't seen each other in a long time. That is nice. I'm just so sick of comics going save it i'm like i'm talking about my uh my anal fissure save it save it for the pod um my this has got to stop there's there's a gentleman who works at the restaurant right below here and uh one time i came out of of the door and he said hen Henry Cavill, which is huge. That's not what you look like. First of all, it really is not.

Henry Cavill, first of all, has a huge butt chin, which I have none of. I saw him at a restaurant in Florida in December. Or June. No, I did not. He did not look like you. He is a hunk and a half. So hot.

So every time I leave now, he goes, No, I did not. He did not look like you. He is a hunk and a half. So hot. So this is like compounded. One, like, so every time I leave now, he goes, Henry Cavill. And I have to do like a, ah, same joke. No new celebrity. But even worse, I'm coming home from the gym one day. It's a hot summer. I'll sometimes come home with shirt off or go for a run. And he sees me.

He goes, hey, you ever want help making the rest look like Henry Cavill? Let me know. I do personal training. And I was like, fuck you. Kind of a dig there. That is not how you're going to get me. Yeah. I'd like to see him try. That is a high bar.

Hey, you want to look like The Rock? Come see me. I'm like, oh, boy. But now I saw that happened. And I think like my mom once told me a story she had a hairdresser and like the way he would like get her would be like who who did your hair last time come i'll fix it and my mom told me story one day that she was like when you fuck off like my mom did like the go fuck yourself that's not how you get my business but i didn't do it with him and now he says the henry cavill every time i see him and i just i just want to be able

to leave my apartment without saying hello to anyone any of that small talk and I'm stuck the key you gotta what does he look like

we gotta get him hey Bob Hoskins or whatever you gotta get him with a kind of a date John Goodman over here whatever it is he's black

so it's gotta be a white celebrity I think the only way to really it's gotta be like a white person so that think the only way to really is it's got to be like a white person so that we know it's clear of any kind of like you look like. Henry Cavill is a very funny choice. It's just a very funny choice because he's not around that much.

He's not the most famous guy. Yeah, he's not like in so many things. He's right on the top of our brains. It's funny. I walk away, then some short, fat, blonde guy walks up. He's like, Henry Cavill over here. That's just his line. It's the only Like I walk away, then some short, fat blonde guy walks up. He's like, Henry, come in over here. That's just his line. It's the only white celebrity he knows.

I wouldn't like it too, because then I feel like people at the restaurant, they could overhear because they eat outside and they'd be like, that guy doesn't look like. And then they're judging you and you're like, I'm not saying it. This guy's saying it. You know, can we say the thing about the casino who they thought you were? Oh, yeah. He went to see my Mohegan son. Oh, yeah.

And apparently they were like, oh, fuck, Tim see my mohegan son oh yeah and and apparently they were like the bouncer tim dillon's here i was tim dillon and they were like they got all excited they were ready to bump me off the headline he went and got the manager was like tim dillon's here and he told me after the fact and i was like oh like i it was just funny to imagine you getting bumped for me as tim dillon was he black the guy who said it yeah okay i think we see a pattern here. Whitey looks alike, but I think the hair is similar. I can see it. Maybe

same height? Oh, yeah, yeah. I can see it in certain things, yeah. For sure. It's just less of a compliment than Henry Cavill. Yeah, yeah. Henry Cavill is like a goddess. You got Henry Cavill and Tim Dillon hanging out together? What a combo. You got a This Gotta Stop? I mean, I have so many.

I do a whole thing on my pod called Pet Peeves. Oh, shit. I swear to God I hadn't heard it. No, I know. I think it's a very common podcast thing. Yeah. First of all, I had this on the way over here. The guy in the insanely loud motorcycle that goes through the residential areas,

like, what are you doing? I can't even hear the TV because of your motorcycle. I hate that guy. Or the guy playing loud music out of his car. Brutal. Hate that guy. And you're like, who is this for? Do you enjoy this?

You're in a car blasting. What do you think it is? I think they must have a couple people who go like, hey, I think that's it. And they like that. That's all it's for. I think you're right. And those are the people that have to put away

they're encouraging this behavior I think you got something there I also hate this guy, this is a little more esoteric, you ever have the guy who asks you the question that's insulting but you can't really get mad at him, like one time I had a party and there wasn't a lot of people there, my friend showed up

and goes where is everybody and I'm like I don't fucking know. They hate me. What do you want me to say? I hate this guy. Yeah, he killed me. Shit like that always gets me. I did a housewarming party, especially when I first moved to New York. You did a housewarming party?

I had one in my old Harlem apartment and I wasn't a social guy. I threw one. The first hour where no one showed up. Well, because people go to parties late in general. They always show up an hour into like a house party. But that first hour where no one was there. Oh, tough.

And I had like Christmas lights blinking and a table full of food. And I thought, I'm about to find out I have a suck. That I suck. That no one likes me. Same with a show. You ever run a show and there's no one there for like 20 minutes and you're like, I guess we'll start with two people and then they kind of trickle in.

You're like, thank God. Well, I think people all go to shows like that and the producer will like bend over backwards to apologize to me. And I'm like, listen, I ran a show. Yeah. I have no anger towards you. Totally. You're trying to put this thing on.

And I remember having you on The Last Laugh, which was my show. Yeah. And like, man, it was brutal. I remember having Sydney Washington once and there was like one person there. And she looked like she had like put herself together for the night. Yeah. It's one thing with like dude comics, like, you know, you look like shit. You weren't planning for anything.

But Sydney looked like she had put on makeup for it. I was like, oh, man. I feel like a piece of shit. Yeah, damn. Yeah, it sucks. All that shit sucks. I hate running a show. I still run two shows.

I hate it. Yeah. But it's two clubs, so I feel like it's a little on them. But you still got to promote. You still got to do the legwork. I stopped. I think about going back sometimes just to get more, just because when you're part, but I, I, I, I said you, you, if you want to, I said, if you want to create a lot of superficial friends quickly and long term enemies over a long period of time. Yes.

There are producers that I hate because they've never booked me on anything for years, five years of being in comedy. And I'm sure they forgot, whatever, who knows why. But in my heart, I'm like, I hate him. Yeah. I hate him. How come you never, not a single time, not a single, not a single time. I know.

And I hate him. I'm with you. We're petty and we're so insecure. I mean, it's inevitable. There's so many people who hate so many people and there's so many loud personalities that they're all going to clash. It's inevitable. And we talk shit, my God. I mean mean when i'm in the car with someone oh yeah and luckily i

mean we just talk like crazy and i think jeffrey asked us once bro just if you really think about like how much people must talk about you yeah given how much you're talking about it's really over it's really a horrifying it's horrifying but it's the great equalizer you know like you get into a car with four guys, you're all talking shit, and then you're in a car with another four guys, you might end up talking shit about somebody in the last car. It happens. Oh, boy.

Well, that was a good, nice negative. Let's get to a... Uh-oh. There we go. You better count your blessings. Blessing. To make this feel nice at the end,sell you got a blessing yeah i don't it's a quick one um our dog our new dog he is really good at uh walks and that sounds stupid

but our last dog hated walks uh and wanted to kill himself on walks and was super anxious i would love to see a suicidal dog no just like was like get me the fuck back home he's not chasing cars he's running he just really wanted to go back home always and this new dog uh but also obviously rest in peace hennessy loved you but uh the new dog loves walks and is like walks at the right tempo it's not a lot of like come on like it's like he's just walking at the right tempo and he's good and it's like uh we've been training him on walks and it's been it's been great and so all right that's my that's it's been nice it's been it's been great to after a couple a few years like go on nice long walks in our in our in inward hill park and take like nice walks and not have to like worry about like anything with the dog. Great. My blessing,

I'm starting to do more weekends on the road. I sell merch, and suddenly I have a lot more cash than I normally do. Good one. And there's something emotional about cash. So I go to this beach, and I have $400 in cash in my wallet.

And I'm just spending it at the beach, and for some reason, it's disconnected from me losing losing money and i feel great and and i uh we told her i left because at some point she i was going somewhere and she was like can i have some cash yeah and i just very much like of course of course take it i have plenty more here and then there's of course there's a sadness when i go and i'm like oh it's gone it. Of course. But I really just like having this. I feel like I'm a working man. They handed it to my hand. I gave them a thing.

Yes. And it feels good. It feels good. Merch feel, it's a nightmare to do. You got to stand there and everybody's spitting on you and drunk and taking photos, headlock. But once you got that cash, it's all worth it. My merch is connected to a bit, which I will not do again. It's like,

it's a, it's just a long chunk that I have to do every time. Right. And it's loud and it's dirty. So I can't do it for clean shows. Uh, but that I'm trying to figure out my next, my next,

it works though. And it's one of these things I have like five jokes for the merch at this point. That's how long I've had this merch. But, uh, uh, I look forward to kind of more generic merch you have the comedy t-shirt that was perfect i couldn't think of anything but i could sell that thing for 100 years yeah and people like comedy so they wear they buy

the hat and they wear it to the show comedy how do you do the shirts though i i can't tell you the number of times i've been with people who sell shirts and someone's like i'd love a medium and they go extra extra extra large okay yeah and it's like, I'd love a medium. And they go, extra, extra, extra large, okay. And it's like you have to carry all these sizes. It's always, of course, they're out of mediums. And I'm like, how many extra? I just get a, I kind of tally it in my head. Like, all right, the mediums always go first.

So I'll get a ton of medium. Nobody gets a small. I'll get five smalls. It's just, you know, over time you kind of see where it goes. But then you go to fat towns and you're like i'll get a lot of double x's and then you go to la you get a lot of x or extra small so you know it varies you got to profile the place that's that's a good point yeah you go to casino fat bed sheet yeah beach towel wild fat big fat oh yeah oh man we just walk into the gig and there's just an overweight

guy lying on the floor. Casinos like people are having medical issues. I'm sure there's a full-running hospital at Mohegan Sun. They're still smoking with the respirator. They're using the carts, big carts. He was just lying there, shorts falling down, 10 people attending to him.

It was just a sad sad sad sight you don't go to a casino for a good heartwarming story, I mean it's a sad place but you did really well you ever have someone die during a show a medical emergency during a show never the death

I've had the heart attack, I've had the scare like oh god or whatever and they gotta wheel them out and stuff but no deaths I wouldn't want that that's that would make sure yeah i was one time doing an outdoor theater show and someone died of a heart attack during the show they had to get a it was out very far out in the country they had to get a helicopter to land to like do a medical evac the show started like 45 minutes so it hadn't quite started and it was like it was like one of those things too where they hadn't started yet it was like they were it was like 45 minutes late. So it hadn't quite started yet. And it was like, it was like one of those things too where they hadn't started yet. It was like,

they were, it was like 45 minutes before the show. And, but then like the helicopter had to come and like things were happening. But it was one of those things too where like they felt the need to tell us all that that person did die.

And then they're like, and, but like, we're still going to do the show. And you're like, okay, we could have just, you know.

Was it on the God mic? Ladies and gentlemen. No, no, it was like an announcement. It was save your prayers they pulled us all together it was a huge cast like 70 people and they they pulled us all together to tell us whoa that poor host had died that host had to really make that funny somehow because you got to address it well no it was like it was a theater show what was it not just when i did that outdoor, it was called Texas the Musical Drama. And it was all about Texas.

Texas the Musical Drama. That was the last abortion in Texas. It's where Texas forever. Oh, yeah. It was a nightmare. I mean, I had so much fun doing it. But it was really, it was propaganda. It was just all about like, well, it's about the history of Texas and like how great it is.

just all about like what was about the history of texas and like how great it is and like there was i mean i remember there was a line in the opening song where um where all the men sang um uh no all every the whole chorus sang where the women are happy and the men sang and never complain whoa did you do it with fish everyone's like yeah um but yeah it was it was a night i mean it was it was not great content but i had so much fun doing the show and it with fireworks every night it was a huge there's gotta be a video oh yeah i there's a it's a big thing it's like a two thousand people came to see it every night it was like a tourist thing like in texas and it was like it built into the a wall of a canyon it was a huge amphitheater it was it was it was wild it was a wild experience i'm gonna find it we're gonna get a soundtrack about it um do you have a blessing where sure

i think this is a great segment because uh all we do is bitch and moan and online all day so this is like this is nice that people can appreciate no one one is gracious. Gratitude is done. So I got so many things. First of all, I want to say how lucky are we that the Internet exists? I mean, the Internet is almost like fire or water where it gives you life and it helps you, but it can also ruin your life, drown you, or burn your house down. So it's like that. But if we didn't have the Internet, we couldn't do this.

We'd have to wait for the Comedy Central's of the world to knock on the door and go, finally, you caught me. Here we go. Please put me on TV. We can do anything we want. We got this fucking TikTok and the laptops and all that. So thank God for the internet. Good.

Yeah. We can do whatever we want. Put shit out there. You can email your mom. You can book a... Just think about calling the travel guy to get to a flight. You need to call a guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now it's just like, boop, boop, boop. I did it on my app. I got a new ticket. There definitely is a thing with, especially as an artist, there is a certain thing of like, look, here's the tools. You make it yourself. Yeah, exactly. I came from this actor school, and it very much was like, you know, you can find the casting directors, and they elevate you to this place, and then you get on the show.

It was a system, and you just played into the system. And then the internet's like, you can make it your own way if you want to. You have nothing to blame anymore. Yes, I love the no blaming. And it's overwhelming. But yeah, that's why doing stand-up felt more, I could do things. Yes, yes. Being an actor sucks.

Oh, yeah? Oh, my God. It's a crazy notion to like, they'll pick me. Because you have to get that part. I was talking to him the other day, I think the whole central premise of acting, like Daniel Day-Lewis was one of my favorites. Sure.

And for a class I did, Christy Brown, who he played in My Left Foot, I did a scene as someone with cerebral palsy and i like i like got a wheelchair and i invested and it was so much of the premise of acting was i want to embody someone else and so much of like kind of more related to job opportunities now in acting it's like that's not your place to speak on that's not your story to tell and so there's something very different like stanislavski would have been like i mean you know It's like, that's not your place to speak on. That's not your story to tell. And so there's something very different.

Like Stanislavski would have been like, I mean, you know, Stanislavski would have done Othello in Blackface. Like it would have been like, let me embody this thing. Yes. And now with more people as artists and people understanding who was neglected in that former framework, there's like a, well, you can't do that. Oh, interesting. How could this? And I think it'll extend it. I don't know whether it's good or bad, but it's just like the whole central premise of acting,

which was embody someone else. Take over an experience you could never know, but do it to your best abilities. It's not necessarily noble anymore. Yeah, yeah, good point. Give it to the person. Yeah. Give it to the person.

Why should you figure out what it would be like to be a blue collar Sarah Paulson a fat person totally there was a time where I'd be like wow you really walked like you were fat yes yes how incredible what do you think about that like the uh hey you can't play a woman you're not a woman hey you can't play a handicap you're not a handicap like I think isn't that acting i think there's a certain degree of like there's so much money being made like i i do think where it's like with i think we're like uh who who won the oscar what's his name he played a trans person someone who transitioned over the course of the movie eddie redman eddie redman yeah yeah oh yeah there's a lot of pushback and i i do think there's an argument to be made like, look, here's a story that is like a thrilling story.

You producers go do the work to find the trans actor who can fucking nail this as opposed to relying on the star. And I'm sure their argument is like, look, we need to get the movie financed. We need to get the fucking star. But I think like I'm like, go make – I don't feel sympathy for the producers. You want to tell the story? Go find it. Because I'm sure, I feel the same way with, it's the same way with comedy where they'll be like, let's diversify.

Okay, we'll search all of UCB to find the best non, whatever comic at UCB. And I'm like, how about you go to fucking Harlem and go find the funniest person there? Because they're there. They just don't go through your regular fucking pipeline that you're lazy about. And then they'll hire a black guy because he's black. And you're like,

there's so many funny black guys or black women. What are you, crazy? Especially at Stand-Up Comics. We know, I mean, especially just, we know, but they're just not in the regular channels. Right, right.

I've certainly, I've done shows in Harlem where I'm like, this guy's maybe the funniest guy in the whole fucking world. Totally. But they'll never find him. Yeah. Which is why the internet's great. That guy can put some shit online and the internet is the great equalizer where like you have to actually be good yes yeah it helps if you're hot or something

that doesn't hurt but if you over time if you're not good it'll fizzle um quality well i i do like that the internet i will say i do think the internet will ultimately, though, lead to misinformation. The deepfakes, you posted a deepfake of you today. Did I? In Indiana Jones. In Indiana Jones. Yeah, yeah. And I think deepfakes will eventually erode

our ability to believe in anything. Oh, good point. And will be the end of our species. This is The Downside. One, two, three. Downside. Downside. is the downside.