The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #50 Tomato Sauce Merch with Mike Recine

Episode Date: November 16, 2021

Comedian Mike Recine ruthlessly rips into the c*m towel merch I sell after shows and tells me I’ll earn his artistic respect after I burn them all in a fire (dm me if you want to buy one). We also talk about the homemade tomato sauce he used to sell after shows, growing up in New Jersey, having an autistic little brother who’s not so little anymore, the time he helped me move and I killed the U-Haul battery, cooking for your significant other, having your significant other and mother conspire to secretly sell your smoker, how much our semen is worth, and the unbearableness of theater kids when you have a real man’s job. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join The Downside Patreon for early ad-free episodes the Friday before they're released on Tuesday, two BONUS episodes a month (AUDIO & VIDEO), + the good feeling inside that you're helping keep my delusions alive. Follow MIKE RECINE on twitter & instagram Listen to MIKE RECINE's podcast The Sitdown Watch MIKE RECINE's Conan set Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Fawn Sullivan, Paige Asachika, & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Are you into acting? Yeah, I was in high school. Really? And then I went to college for acting for two years. I did two years of a BFA program. Wow. Where did you do it? Montclair State, which is the good acting school in Jersey.

Yeah, yeah. But I was doing stand-up at the same time, so I dropped out of college and I moved to New York to do stand-up. Did you like acting? Yeah, I guess I did. I didn't like the theater kids, though. I didn't really get along with them that great. Sure. I felt maybe Jersey theater kids are a little different than regular theater kids.

No, they're just as bad. I think they're as bad anywhere you go. By that, you'd be so good because I feel like you'd be like a Marlon Brando. You're a little more grounded. You're not kind of tap dancing in the scene. Yeah, I was funny. I mean, we did a lot of improv freshman year. But I just, yeah, it just wasn't for me.

Have you auditioned for any of the Italian stuff? No, and I'm insulted every time. I'm not asked to. I have a friend named zach and he he really felt like he was young tony soprano this was before the movie was announced but he was like i love him but he was like hurt that he didn't even get an audition and i was like buddy they're not going with you yeah yeah yeah they're not going with you for this role first you're too old to be young soprano yeah how does he feel like he's young

Tony Soprano? He just feels it in his heart. He's just like, really? Does he look like him? A little bit. Not too far off. He's just fucked up, though. He's just a man and I think it'd be cool if he's just like, when he sees Tony, he's like, I'm fucked up, too.

I should play the young version. He went bald at 17. He did. One of his jokes, he's like, guess my age. I'm fucked up too yeah yeah yeah I should play he went ball at 17 yeah he did one of his jokes he's like guess my age I'm 24 and that's you know applause break laugh it's so amusing how old he looks um uh well welcome welcome to the downside my name is Jim Marcus I'm here with my co-host Russell Daniels Russell Russell, how you doing? I'm good. I'm a little hungover, but I'm good. But good. This is your job.

I know. I know. Sorry. So sorry. You texted me, you texted me, the train's not moving with no details.

Where's the train? Is it in Queens? I just want to let you know it was quite close. It wasn't moving. It was close. It was close, but a little more detail

makes it sound like a fuck. Yeah, sorry. I started, I lost interest halfway. And we are joined today by stand-up comedian podcaster actor mike christine mike former actor i'm also i'm also staring at this uh wall that i painted i'm very self-conscious about it because it kind of looks This is the downside One, two, three Downside Downside Downside

Oh God damn it I pressed the one That doesn't have an end Oh my god I was like This feels very long today I heard it for a little

I was like We gotta shorten this I forgot that he painted this wall You've gotten a lot of shout outs because people always sit in that chair and uh and i feel like you've mentioned what do they say so often well they complain so this is colin we had to move the camera was falling out so colin put in this camera colin tyrell yeah and then it was a little shifty so we did this so this was not you're, to be clear for those filming. This is not Mike's work. But, you know, I met Colin through you. You helped me move.

Yeah. And it was a terrifying, I think I talked about it on the podcast several times. You had me stay in the car. Yeah. And I did the thing where you leave it on, but it's not turned on all the way. I killed the battery. I killed the battery just sitting in the car. And I know you a little bit better now, but at the time I was, you know, you're a comic.

You've been doing it longer. And I was like mortified. I was like, well, he fucking hates me. How do you feel at the moment? You're a guy. You're very sweet. But if you don't know you you could be scared that you have it that you hate people mm-hmm you hate people well sure a lot of people what did you how upset were you you get mad at me for a drop until I yeah I wrote you later on twitter apologizing

and you say yeah you dumb motherfuckers well you would think somebody knows to start the engine if if you're running the car but that's fine uh but but uh i don't know i was just kind of like these things happen so then we were stuck in harlem with no uh no battery and no jumper cables yeah it's like you know moving is is uh it's like, you know, moving is, is, uh, it's tough, but you know, you know, usually,

you know what to expect, you know, what's gonna, what's gonna come up. And, uh, you don't expect the battery to die. Was that,

was that the worst, worst move you've ever done? No, not by far. Yeah. It was fine. What's like, what was a bad one?

Um, yesterday I rented a U-Haul and they, they moved my reservation to Jamaica Queens. I went to go pick it up-haul and they they moved my reservation to jamaica queens i went to go pick it up in brooklyn and they said your reservations in jamaica we texted you at nine o'clock this morning and so yeah so i was like okay and jamaica's far yeah so i had to figure out it was a whole thing yeah but yeah i feel like you don't have that much stuff it doesn't feel like you have that much like you brought i mean no but yeah yeah compared to other people i should have thrown out more stuff before i left but then colin then colin came over he had to cut my couch in half with like a chainsaw because it couldn't is that what this is we well that's we also tried

that no no there was a big this we used to be oh this was the remember when i got the general electric commercial my big purchase was the shittiest couch yeah it went around the whole room and uh we you we you tried getting it out and we couldn't get it out yeah it's one of these things with how the fuck did it get in but colin came over and cut it cut it in half wow services like colin did for a good rate but like people there's something called like franken couch or something yeah and it's like fucking more than the couch. I mean, they get away with murder. Yeah.

Because what are you going to do? Yeah. They'll bang you over the head. Yeah. Well, I wanted to bring up, I did an, I always need to, for new listeners. Wait, what do people say about the wall? They say it's great. Do they? No. People don't come in. People don't come in at my home and go. They don't come in and go people say about the wall? They say, they say it's great. Do they? No,

people don't come in. People don't come in and go, who painted that wall? It looks like shit. No, they don't usually comment. Like what happens is they comment on the setup and then somehow John Marco likes to offer up like, oh yeah,

I had you paint the wall. Like, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't feel like they're ever commenting on how it looks. I refer people to you all the time. It like to me though i'm like kind of feel free

to come back and if you have anything maybe i maybe i should i do there's still paper i did leave my step ladder here do you have it it's okay if you don't have it yeah i do you do yeah yeah i wasn't i don't throw anything away i like yes two step ladders now um uh uh yeah no i think you did you did a great job all right feel free to come back uh this is the downside for those that are new wow i thought i was gonna be ambushed i thought this was like a like the adam carolla show catch a contractor adam carolla just walks out of the closet and goes what did you paint this wall i think I think everything else in the apartment is so plain. People are just delighted to see any kind of color.

All right. You're not going to be here forever anyway. I don't know. I signed a two-year lease. This is a good deal. Oh, yeah. Right, right. I remember.

Oh, yeah. I know what you pay for rent here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He tells everyone that comes into the building. Not on the pod. I won't mention it. Not on the pod. Not on the pod i won't not on the pod but uh no i signed that to your lease i remember i told tova and i think that she was

like oh two years yeah and i was like yeah and he was like okay this is what i'm working with yeah um so she'll be moving in here soon she'll get this room and I'll get my bedroom. But what I was saying, I did a, oh, this is the downside. We talk about negative shit. We complain. We celebrate negativity. Thank you for listening. If you enjoy this, check out the Patreon. It's patreon.com slash downside. You get early episodes,

ad-free episodes, and bonus episodes. I don't know if we ever talked about the commercials. They're randomly assigned still. We're not at a point where you know we get to pick or anything and someone wrote me like did you know that the first ad was such and such coffee and they're like the conservative brand of coffee and they black rifle coffee yes yeah yes and they're like did you know that they well they drove the car in charlottesville it's called Jews Will Not Replace Us Coffee. It's the coffee that's advertising on your show. We had no idea.

We had no idea. It's called Tiki Torch Coffee. It was one of these things I'm like, yeah, I'll send a message. I'll send an email. I don't know what my control is. Yeah. So if you join the Patreon, we can stop advertising for hate groups entirely. So please join the Patreon, patreon.com slash downside.

I did an escape room last night. You did? I did. I had no idea you were going to do that. Yeah. Was it an improv too? I don't tell you about every escape room I do. It was definitely my girlfriend and my girlfriend's friends who initiated.

Were you in costume? Was it a theme? We weren't in costume. The escape room had a theme. No, I didn't know for Halloween. No, no, no. I don't know if Tova... Tova couldn't figure out a costume.

I think what she's going to try to do is non-Jew playing a Jew in a movie or TV series. Because there's too much of that right now is a lot of it well yeah well well there's obviously miss maisel is a famous example she's not jewish no not at all okay then uh rachel sent it in uh shiva baby uh-huh and i mean oh she's not jewish no oh yeah me yeah yeah yeah well i think and this is that's is she's she's a i just think sometimes people see like oh here's a kind of uh different looking girl yeah jew and also the poster for that was like yeah it was like her like a like a wedding dress with like bagels on it and i was just like okay okay okay and then recently i'm kind of shocked she's not at least like half jewish

not to my knowledge not to my knowledge. Not to my knowledge. Okay. And then they just announced that Joan Rivers would be played by... It's already done. Oh, really? It's not happening anymore. Not because of the casting. I think something with the rights of her life or something.

Oh, it was going to be played by... What's her name? Yes. Catherine Hahn. Catherine Hahn. Catherine Hahn. She's not Jewish. Okay. And it just felt, Catherine Hahn played a Jew in Transparent.

She played a rabbi. It just is a certain extent, especially with Joan Rivers. It's like, this is, part of her, the whole thing is that she's a Jew and she's a little, she's a little, you know, not the mainstream. I want to see that. I like Catherine Hahn,atherine han though well that's the problem yeah but that's the problem we can't accept racism just because we like the person is it racism yeah is it i don't know what i remember my anti-semitism my grandma was upset that marlon brando played the godfather and i remember being like who who cares oh because he's not italian he's not italian at all interesting what is he he's a german or something he's not Italian. He's not Italian at all. Oh, interesting. What is he?

He's a German or something. He's from Nebraska. Oh, that's so funny. Wow. Wow. How do you feel about that? Do you feel like he shouldn't have played The Godfather? I mean, I've never had a strong opinion about this thing

that happened 40 years ago. Because I feel like if you can pass, it's okay. I think, look, it's just a matter of bigger picture, how often is this happening and i think like if enough if you play the jew i'd be like oh all right you know if enough gigantic roles are going to non-jews and it's like feels a little bit strangely consistent yeah you start to get a little bothered yeah you start to go like well cast a jew you're gonna tell jewish stories it feels like you're casting people who are a little less like people would always say well tova will tell me people would

be like yeah this feels arrogant to say but like with with men that they're like oh they're like uh handsome in a different way and she's like you mean jewish you mean you're saying they're just semitic yeah and that's how you're phrasing it. Interesting. But I think that would be a good costume if she did it. But I did an escape room. What would the costume be, though? She said it would be like, well, she reads Jewish. So it would be like her in a blonde wig with crosses. She has a costume that you need a lot of exposition to.

She has costumes that need a little exposition to make it activate. But when you do, you go, oh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From afar, you go, why is she just. Imagine like eight-year-old Tova trick-or-treating. They're like, and what are you? And she's like, I'm a non-Jew playing a Jew in a movie.

Yeah. So we did an escape room. Have you done escape rooms? No. I don't know anything about them. Really? Yeah. What are they, like puzzles?

Yeah, but they've become very advanced now. So this one was like, there's a video before, and they're like, there's a selfish gold digger, and he owed the mob a lot of money. And he hid his gold, and there's clues, but you have one hour before the mob comes and kills you. Okay. And then other anti-Italian slurs. Sure. And you know how those dagos are with violence. They love killing people.

So it's like, so all of a sudden you're in one room and it's outside and there's different puzzles where like, you know, you got to put together the code. You see on the floor it says like birds, butterflies, owls. And then you go and there's a lock on the door and then you're like oh there's two birds and there's three owls how many butterflies are there you open the lock new room and it gets very complicated there was a slide there was a fireplace that opened up and you went down a slide um but i i like them i like puzzles you

love i love games i like i like uh structured social activity where you have a common goal. Me too. Yeah, you should do it. But I'm not good. And Tova's very good. And everyone in that group, it all of a sudden feels, I realize, oh, I'm the dumbest one here. Maybe in certain ways I'm smart, but in terms of solving basic puzzles, oh, I'm dumb.

I felt like that when we did an escape room about myself. Because not only I don't feel like I'm particularly good at that, but I also have no drive to do it. We'll just sit in this room for an hour. And if you're with people who are active. We don't get out. It's fine. If you're with people who are active, they're solving the puzzle. I'm like, all right, I'm going to go see if I can open the door by force again.

I just kicked the door in. Do you remember that guy, our friend Chris? He was on this escape room with someone, and the guy just started hitting things on the wall, trying to break it. And they're like, that's not. No, that's not. You can't just break the thing. It's very clear what you're not supposed to do what you can't open yeah but uh every room i just i like this fact that every room has a button that unlocks it automatically like a back an emergency and i guess what happened in poland and i have a

version of this joke where i lie because the story is too sad it was a i believe it was a five girls one was their 15th birthday. An electrical fire broke out. In an escape room? In an escape room. This was before the button. And they all died. How many? Five of them.

Wow. And their last word was, can I get a clue? Really? Well, that's the joke. Okay. No. Okay. I think there were probably some more like helps after it started out.

Oh, the fire. What an amazing. the fire is so hot those were their last words oh my god so it was fine at the end they fucked up something yeah we got out they got out and I was there how about this Joe how many Polacks did

escape a room more than five teenage girls yeah oh no take the escape room. More than five teenage girls. Yeah. Oh, no. But they definitely, there's a lot of things they set up and they fuck up now and then.

So there was a fuck up where we thought we, we thought we opened one lock because of, there was like a light that was flashing a code and we thought we had opened it with that code.

Turns out they hadn't locked that. There was a screen door on the escape room and they drowned like the polish submarine and it reminded me we did one for my birthday and there was a big fuck up so it was a haunted house little girl who had died i made i made a joke at the time i said i was one of the girls from poland and uh we did the final thing. We unlocked the final ba-ba-ba. We got finally into the final box.

Presumably with the final key. It felt very climactic. We opened it. There's a spot for the key. There's a spot for the key. We opened it. It was empty. And then the guy at the front desk, not in costume, just opened the door.

It was a woman, I think. It was holding the key. It was like, oops. Oops, sorry. I forgot. You escaped think holding the key I was like oops oops sorry I forgot you escaped the room and I was like you escaped the room

this is the worst escape room in the whole world I know we didn't get that you're building to a climax and we didn't get to like do it we didn't get to open

and if she had come and at least been like ooooh but she just said oops here you go but it's a lot of fun if you like games.

Okay. I like games. I like board games. I like trivia. I'm a terrible athlete. I'm flat footed and I can't throw. So I always shied away from sports. I was never good at sports.

But if I'm ever in a setting where there's like a board game, I get really competitive. What's your go-to? You know, I like them all, but I like the word games. I like catchphrase. Cranium is good because it's like creative. Good time. You know, I like them all, but I like the word games. I like catchphrase. Um, cranium is good cause it's like creative, you know, I, I, I did dominate maybe eight years ago. I played cranium with my girlfriend at the time and another couple and I, I dominated. Oh yeah.

Yeah. I like trivia a lot. I like charades. Good old classic charades can be a lot of fun. Yeah. Yeah. Now Russell hates games. Yeah.

I don't, I like heads up. I can, I don't, i don't seek them out but i can have fun from what game if you have to play a game if i have to play uh yeah i any of the mental ones or like a performative one are fun sure um but uh i i don't like like board games in particular are not my why did what's what's the famous one i like heads up yeah what's the famous board game uh that like everyone was into for a while? It's very complicated. Oh.

Oh, fuck. Like Settlers of Catan? Settlers. Is it Settlers of Catan? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one. Where?

It's long. Isn't it? It goes on for months. Yeah. And then I was with a couple, and as they explained the game to you, you're like, are you about to get divorced? This is so stressful for you guys to explain this yeah and then you disagree on rules so well good so um well well welcome thank you for being here thanks for having me i i'm very

very happy to have you um uh i want to talk i feel like people listen to this podcast which is which is good i'm happy to be here I'm glad we're giving that impression. They watch the clips. They watch the clips. They watch the clips. I watch the clips. Yeah. Clips are very well put together, the logo and everything.

Sometimes people will just corner you and be like, hey, can you do my podcast? And you go, yeah, fine. Sure. You're in my face. I'll do it. The funniest, I did one. Someone just wrote on Instagram, well, you did my podcast. And this was like during the pandemic.

So I was like, yeah, I have no excuse. And it was like a 16-year-old Christian boy who was really into stand-up. And his favorite comic was something, Smiley maybe his name was. There's like a Christian comic. And he was like, he's my favorite comic. And he had me on. He's in jail now, that comic. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure. Oh, yeah.

Dismembering people. It's always the clean comics. It was amazing. I listened to his album, and it was just so funny because he really goes from talking about Walmart to full-on sermon. And Walmart reminds me that the love of Jesus gives you more than everything everything just like walmart that's right has everything you ever need and like oh my god yeah who needs both these things at a comedy show like you know what i want some laughs and some god tonight yeah yeah yeah maybe maybe that's what i need i mean it's the same equivalent of people who want to like go to a comedy show and clap at good political points.

They're like, I want church with just a couple more punchlines. That would be nice. So you grew up in Jersey? Yeah. Where? In Jersey. Between Trenton and Princeton,

a little town called Hamilton. And is it very Italian? Not really. My upbringing was pretty suburban. My grandparents had a restaurant in Trenton for like 30 years. They sold it the year I was born. So I don't tell people that I'm from Trenton. I'm from a suburb of Trenton.

But if I was a comic who wanted to lie about the fact that I was poor or something, I would tell people that I was from Trenton. There is kind of an epidemic of people doing that. There's people who like want to give this impression i think in comedy that they that they grew up uh poor poor yeah uh and they're like you can tell they're from the suburbs well sebastian i always think about sebastian maniscalco is this i mean this intensely italian where did he grow up is he a jersey guy i don't know I just wonder like people

Leaning into being Italian or being Like this thing yeah like I'm so curious about it because I have this very Italian name but I mean I grew up in a Very just dull white Area not a lot of Italians And I my dad like you Know I think there's a couple things that trickle

Down from from having relatives Way back in Italy. But I'm not really Italian. Really? Well, you don't want to make that your identity for sure. I couldn't come up with jokes. I don't have any jokes about my grandma cooking. No.

I mean, I had the Sunday dinner and stuff we did. But you don't want that to be the only thing that you talk about. But you are more Italian than me. Am I? I'm only five eighths Italian. That's more than me. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. But did, I mean, did your, did your grandparents was the restaurant Italian? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

It was like an Italian restaurant banquet hall in Trenton that they sold the year I was born. Do you have a family sauce? Um, I have my own recipe. See? That's pretty Italian. That's pretty Italian.

I did make two cases of tomato sauce a couple weeks ago. That's very Italian. That's very Italian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I jar them and everything. I used to sell them out of the trunk of my car. Oh, so that was your merch? That was my little side hustle.

What did you call it? Does it have a name? Racine Brothers. Racine Brothers. Yeah. Was it good? It was good. Someone told me it was good the other day.

It was good. It's good. Seth Silas. It's good. He says delicious. He said I love it. Yeah, well, you know. When you're good, you're good.

I hate the guy, but this sauce is so good. Mamma mia. Here you go, Seth. I know you can't get enough of this. My dad, he called it Sarese sauce. The problem, my dad, he lied. My dad told me I was 100% Italian growing up, and I was too dumb to be like, well, my mom's a Jew,

so I don't think so. Yeah. And then he had Sareerezi sauce and he was like this is a secret sauce yeah and i think he just put like a shitload of can you put butter in sauce you can he like put so it's amazing because it was probably the worst yeah horrible for you sauce but i was like this is the secret yeah yeah he was like someday i'll show you how to make this sauce i have a big i have a big 32 quart pot in my house. And so I made a big batch of sauce. Now I just have a bunch of sauce in my house,

but I don't know if my heart's in it anymore. I don't know. Yeah. It's very like, you know, yeah, here's, we chopped the onions,

the carrots, the garlic, and then you're like stirring it, but I'm not, I don't know the final product. I'm not like, I'm like, this is a good sauce,

but it's not like blowing me away. Uh huh. I almost feel like I'm like this is a good sauce, but it's not like blowing me away Uh-huh. I almost feel like your own. I used to be very like proud of it like excited Yeah excited to make it excited to give it to people but now I'm just kind of like and this is just you know Maybe it's cuz I've been doing it longer sure or maybe but I almost feel like maybe The Rios jarred sauce that you get at the store is better than mine maybe i see i don't know how did it were you making money selling that merch i mean like i was like would you go and drive to people's home like or yeah like so it wasn't just for farmers it was like your own thing it was my own thing but the you know the jars are very heavy and then you don't want to leave them in your car and you end up like carrying them around in a backpack or a suitcase

and you worry about like the jars breaking and then so it just wasn't it's not the best it's not the best merch i don't be terrified of just like health like i'm just like if i'd fuck something up someone gets sick like some batch goes bad and i'm like well well line yeah but my so my grandmother kind of walked me through it because she made sauce a lot when i first started making it yeah um you know the mason jars the lids if the if they if they go flat it's good it's sealed uh-huh but if they have a bounce then it's not sealed so i've never had a jar not seal yeah luckily i just like i would love to sell merch after a show that felt not like a scam. It just felt like I'm giving you something. You eat the sauce, it'll be good.

You put it in your body, it'll continue your life. Instead of like, have this cum towel. When you get home, you will never see this again. Who does that? Somebody does that, right? I do. Did you see the rage? You don't know my merch

I had to You don't know my merch I had to cut Mike off Before he was like What motherfucker Sells fucking cum towels Moist or crunchy It's a bit that I have

They're unused You're a fucking worm I think you have I hate you You have Very little time Hey What do you have

Like a hundred of these Way more than that. You know what's easier to transport than fucking bottles of sauce? Cum towels. You sell these for like 20 bucks? 10 bucks. 10 bucks, not too bad. You can't sell those past a certain age.

Like if you're selling cum towels, you're 40. At like 70, like I don't need them anymore. This is dirty too. It's got like a, it's like yellow. What are you talking about? Look, there's like a stain on it. Listen, Mike,'t need them anymore. This is dirty, too. It's got like a, it's like yellow. What are you talking about? Look, there's like a stain on it. Listen, Mike, this is my livelihood. Can we take a break?

This is how I make my whole living. This pays for the apartment. Jesus Christ. I got some koozies. I got some koozies. This is why you only do shirts. I spent the last 15 years trying to write good jokes and have integrity. Listen, if I'm trying to be true to myself, you're just selling cum towels.

A tale of two comics making sauce, feeding people, doing work. How are you going to clean up the sauce when you spill a little? Tiny margins, too. My margins are not as good as yours. What do these cost? Like some kid in China is making these for like five cents. I think they're American. American cent.

Are they American made? With a koozie place that I use, they give you an option at the end. They said you can either have it come from America and it's going to cost this or come from China and it's going to cost this. And they make you click from America to China. And I do every time. You're welcome, China. But this is American-made. Yes.

I don't really care. I mean, Chinese kids deserve jobs. This is an American-made comtel, you know? What does it say on the tag? It says, made in Pakistan. You filthy liar. Jesus Christ. I always click the American button.

It's 100% cotton. No, no. I said I click the China button. Uh-oh. Wait, you're surprised? You're surprised I wasn't invested in the American economy as I figure out my merch? Imagine what happens when China takes over the world and we're doing their manufacturing and your kids are just like...

The someday that I'm stitching the moisture. They don't know what it is. It's just like Chinese lettering, but it's some comedian's cum towels. What is the bit, Moist or Crunchy? It's about... It's about... Great, now we're going to tear apart the bit too.

It was the idea about... It was about having a wedding registry and they want a whiskey decanter and I own one spoon. And then it builds about how I own two towels. One is a hand towel I got for free for joining Chase Bank. One's stuffed underneath my air conditioner. So when I shower, I have two options, moist or crunchy. And then I got to wait for them to sit back down again.

And then I keep going with the bit. Shut the fuck up Mike I didn't say anything your comedic opinion means a lot to me I hold you in high comedic esteem good well you're not up to my standards this is shit

I wanna set these on fire if you want my respect set all these cum towels on fire let's make a garbage fire set these on fire. If you want my respect, set all these cum towels on fire. Let's make a garbage fire. Let's take the rest of the episode. Dump these in the fucking fire. Merch is not respectable. Merch cannot be respectable.

It's not. And you know, I tried to sell tomato sauce at shows sometimes and I was told that I couldn't sell food by the manager. So I was like, what do I do? Do I go on the corner and like outside the door and try to, you know, move these jars? Yeah. Yeah. You can't really fly with them.

You're right. I did everything wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have any other merch after that? No. I'm just saying merch. You make a lot of money from your merch.

Yeah. I make like, you know, I didn't go through a long like featuring. But if I had the few times I did, I mean like if I didn't go through a long like featuring but if I if I had the few times I did I mean like do people buy these things oh yeah

if I go to Mohegan Sun if I go to Mohegan Sun and I'm doing two shows on a Friday I'll walk away with 300 extra bucks

because of those towels he's a king in Mohegan Sun okay that was my like yeah you gotta sell the merch yeah

you need merch I merch i need to lower your status for merch no no i'm not saying i'm not above selling merch i'm just saying because i have been trying to think of like a like what would my t-shirt say or what would it be you know i have an autistic brother yeah that's it i heard a story i was in nashville and i was talking another comic down there and he said there's some comic that sells these t-shirts and uh he has a bit in his act where he goes like he goes uh black he goes white people think i'm a gangster and black people think i'm retarded and that was like his bit and he makes sounds and he sells shirts and say white people think i'm a gangster and black people think i'm retarded. And he was like, do those shirts sell? And he was like, no, not really.

It's so weird. Oh my God. I hope someday I see someone with that shirt. Yeah. Merch is tough, man. It's tough because- I feel very ashamed. I'm going to think of something new.

I'm going to go do shirts someday. How many of these do you have? Oh. That's a good amount That's a pile That's worth That's like Worth $5,000

That pile someday Once I activate it Yeah The koozies Yeah What's the merch What's the merch that you saw That you

The koozies I'm trying different things What's the merch that I saw What's the merch that I saw That I kind of liked Nothing really Okay there you go But Nick

Nick Mullen makes some really, some t-shirts that are like legitimately funny. Yeah. And then like Annie Letterman has a t-shirt that's like, it's a drawing of like her looking in the mirror and in the mirror back is Danny DeVito. So she's like standing in the mirror in her underwear and then Danny DeVito looking back at her.

So that's like kind of fun. And she sells a lot of those. Sure. But I'm like, yeah, what And she sells a lot of those. Sure. But I'm like, yeah, what would my T-shirt, what would my T-shirt be? Because I don't really, I'm kind of picky about my shirts. I don't like writing on my shirts. And then you want the T-shirt to be funny, but you don't want like, you know, a funny T-shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's tough. I went through all my jokes and I was like, what fits? You got to brainstorm. I have one. It's you miss 100% of the shots you take. You went through all your jokes and the best you could come up with was a towel to wipe up semen.

I will say though that going- Tell him, the bit's a good bit. It works very well. I like it. No, I like it. It works. I like it. It's a good bit.

I've seen it a lot, but that's not your fault. I'm a supportive friend. But I do think it's important to have some sort of merch before a level of a t-shirt. Because I feel like as someone, like, I'm not going to buy any merch. T-shirts for if you're driving. I mean, I can't tell you the number of times an audience member comes. They say, oh, I love this shirt.

Can I have a medium? They go, oh, I'm out of mediums. How about extra, extra, extra large? And they go, no. Yeah. And then if you don't have extra, extra, extra large, you're going to be canceled. You're going to be sued for not having it. Someone told me that they change what t-shirts they bring depending on what part of the country.

They go to certain parts. They're like, all right, time to pack in the extra, extra large. The big, big daddies. The big, big daddies. You don't pay taxes on that, right? I don't know. I have an accountant person. Okay.

But I don't need like a i have an accountant person okay but i i don't need i don't need like a bigger towel for people who come that'd be funny if i snitched the irs that you don't pay taxes on your cum towels because i hated them i uh so much i betrayed all my ideals by snitching all i want to do is do this bit in front of you with an audience that's all i that's what my fantasy is now that's my new comedic goal um well I can't wait for your merch so I can tear it apart viscerally. I hope you do. I am so dreading groceries this week. Why?

You can skip it. Oh, what? Just like that? Just like that. How about dinner with my third cousin? Skip it. Prince Fluffy's favorite treats? Skippable.

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teach you how to cook? Was that her thing? I guess. Yeah, it was mostly from YouTube. You're a good cook. You were smoking a lot. What do you call it? A smoker? You had a smoker? Yeah. I don't even know what that does.

I had a, well, I had a kettle. I started with a kettle grill. And then my uncle gave me his like Texas smoker, his like custom made Texas smoker that he got in like the late 90s. Is that like an expensive piece of equipment? It's a pretty expensive piece of equipment. Yeah. Yeah.

And I had it in Bushwick. It's like a big like offset, know like texas smoker and then my um my wife and mother conspired to sell it so my my wife listed it on facebook marketplace and she sold it truly without you knowing uh without me knowing yeah wow yeah and my mom like encouraged her to to do it when did you find out that it was being taken when it was you came home when i came home when it was gone holy moly i wish you had seen like a guy taking it away yeah and you assaulted him how much how much yeah you are you sitting in with a bag no i i found this on craigslist and did they did did your wife do it because you needed the money or because she wanted it to be gone because the landlord asked us to move it to the

backyard because it was in the front yard but we didn't have any room in the backyard so so she figured she would just sell it how much money we talking to we got 350 for it okay but it's like a $2,000 smoker that my uncle would you know use and he would smoke like you know brisket and pulled pork and ribs on i didn't really get to use it i wasn't gonna you know i rarely used it but it was cool yeah there was a little fire box on the side you put your you know coals in you light them and then you adjust the temperature you adjust the air and you know there's a little thermometer on it and when it gets to like you know 250 275 you're like good this is nice smoking temperature yeah yeah and

you just keep it going for however long it takes to i mean you're quite a chef smoke your meats as someone who's i'm not a chef russell you're not much of a chef no that's pretty impressive thanks do you who's the better you or your wife me yeah yeah but she's okay i have to encourage her to cook more because i can't i can't do it all see tova there was definitely like tova's a good cook and the problem is i'll cook more or i'll cook breakfast and it's not up to her standards and that's that's where it gets kind of tricky where i'm like well these are up to my standards and she's like well you should care more and I'm like but this is good for me a lot of

I finally started no more eggs in the omelets I'm getting better about it like I kept getting egg pieces in the omelet and then you finally YouTube and someone's like stop cracking it on an edge crack it on a flat surface and it like now I feel really solid but that's the problem like she wants me

to cook more but I'm way not up to par to what kind of food she wants. Yeah, a lot of thought goes into it. When I started cooking, I did get really into it. I always think, how can I make the best version of this? What's the best I can do?

And then I think back to my mom's cooking, and I'm just like, oh, you didn't really care that much when you made us dinner. You just kind of threw stuff together but it's also she had four kids it's also really hard i get really i get hurt when i make something and like tova doesn't like finish it or eat it i do feel like like man i suck like i because i tried yeah that's what i tell her like i really tried yeah and part of me won't call me next time you're thank you thank you walk you through it I appreciate it I there is just something in me where I'm like if Tova made the worst meal in the

world she would never know from me that it was bad because yeah because I care about her yeah and I don't feel like it's the other way yeah at least with food at least with food. At least with food. I'm like, just shut up and eat it. Just shut up and fucking eat it. Right. It's a meal.

It's a meal. Yeah. We're so lucky. Yeah. Yeah. My wife is like a goat. She'll just eat anything that I cook for her. It's really nice.

But it's also probably really good. Yeah, sure. But I make a lot of, I have like some go-tos. Like I make a lot of i have like some go-tos like i make a lot of like you know veggie burgers i make uh like beyond meat with pasta a lot like like like a beyond meat sauce this is interesting because you cook a lot of meat too um right i mean you're cooking meat but you do a lot of yeah i'm trying to go a little more plant-based just so i don't like die when i'm 50 sure sure you know for my for my health and stuff. I'm nervous. I, I had a doctor once told me cut back on the eggs. Yeah.

And then I got a new doctor and they said, don't worry about the eggs. Eat as many eggs as you want. Really? And now I have been, but now I get nervous. I'm like, my dad just had a quintuple bypass. Okay. And now I'm like, oh, I need to start thinking about this now. Is your, is your dad alive?

He's alive. Oh yeah. Yeah. Good. Yeah. It's like talking to my dad. Like, I never met my dad's dad. There's one of those things where I'm like, okay, you need to tell me how my relatives died for my health.

My grandfather was, like, super healthy. My family is, like, a spandex family. They wear spandex and ride bikes. So my grandfather was, like, a big, like, spandex bike guy. My dad, that's the Italian. My dad like spandex bike guy my dad that's the italian my dad wears spandex too and like that's part of like one of the things that somehow not that his relatives were spandex but something about the way that they were raised they think this is appropriate for society yeah yeah yeah yeah um but my grandfather died when he was like 80 and he

was in and out of the hospital with heart stuff. Yeah. So I like worry about that and I get chest pains a lot. Sure. Yeah. I have a flutter now and then. You do. They say like, oh, anxiety.

And I'm like, or? Yeah. It's about to explode. Right. You never know. So you have. I look like someone

who would die of a heart attack. Sure. You know. Sure. Just has a massive heart attack one day. What about minor ones? we always hear about the massive ones how about a little minor and then you get your life together after that minor one yeah it'd

be nice for the body to give more warning nice if the body would warn you yeah yeah hey buddy yeah no more steak yeah um you have you say you have three siblings yeah so you have what are they uh two brothers and a sister i'm the oldest of uh four okay i've heard about your brothers and your stand-up now with the sister i guess yeah we don't really not close no we're close we just she uh she has like the most probably normal life out of everybody there's nothing funny about them no that's funny she like bought a house in philly she's my baby sister and. She bought a house in Philly and lives there. You try to stand up like, yeah, she has a house.

She's happy. Yeah. She's going to shoot out with the cops right now. I just don't talk to her. Are you the oldest? Yeah. So then you have two brothers. What do they do?

My one brother lives in Washington Heights, and then my other brother has autism, so he lives at home. He lives at home. Yeah. How old is he now? He just turned 31. 31. Yeah.

So it's like my baby brother. He's getting older. Yeah. Yeah. He's very territorial about the house, too. He doesn't like when siblings come home. Oh, really? Yeah.

And so how old were you when he was born? I was probably four. Uh-huh. And then when I was you when he was born? I was probably four. Uh-huh. And then when I was six, he was diagnosed with autism. Sure. Like sugar autism. It's, I mean, that's how long it took, like, as a baby. I had a friend with a baby, and, like, you know,

there's developmental questions, and they had someone come over to the house, and I thought it was so funny. They asked, the baby was, like, a year old, and, like, the person was like, does your baby your baby understand concepts and they're like what the fuck are you talking but that's them trying to like figure out the diagnosis yeah yeah um do you remember when he was diagnosed yeah i also remember him like talking as a baby which is kind of weird he would say like words and then when he was two he just kind of like shut down it felt like something like something

clicked yeah like something happened and do you do you remember i don't know what it would be besides a vaccine i'm just kidding but but you can but you can see why people are anti-vaxxed because like they have a normal baby and their kid when they're two or four or something happens and they like they shut off so like what else could it be sure you know do you do you think when people it's play-doh that's causing autism why don't they blame that instead there's so many things to blame um yeah i guess but what else do you like study that way your body that make that could make you autistic but nothing there's nothing

that makes you i mean there's just there's a natural there's a non-vaccine explanation for why yeah why do you do did you ever go through an anti-vax phase no but i but i just feel like there's there's something that happens like after birth like they're not born that way sure sure like what would it be yeah but people get i'm also not a very bright i haven't like researched this at all i just have my experience that i'm working off of and i think that's every probably every anti-vaxxer is is has is like that do well you have a baby now uh has he been getting all the vaccines uh yeah i think so yeah yeah was there any i mean i'm sure it's scary i'm sure if i had a baby i'd like i just go with the scientific

consensus right now if i had a baby i might read an article reassuring me but uh uh can you see now they have a baby why people would be like no don't put anything into my baby yeah for sure because my baby's very normal and uh developing you know normally so if something happened if he was if he was diagnosed with autism i'd be like you know what's going on here do you have any do you think like i should look into this more i should know more about this. And I just don't. Maybe not ignorance is bliss.

You deal with it when it comes. Do you have any thought having a child of like, oh, maybe they'll be autistic too? Did you think about like, oh, what your life would be? I fucking hope not. Yeah. I'll be very upset. I'll be very angry with God if my kid is autistic. Just because I went through it already with my brother.

And what was it like? Because you were still a kid yeah did your parents have to be like look your brother we have to like how did you have to treat him yeah it was it was a little hard and I was the oldest so I kind of like you know I'm I'm very much like uh I was sort of like left to fend for myself and I'm I am to this day I'm very like self-sufficient and uh you know I'm always kind of like uh I'm very like me I'm very like me against the world you know yeah yeah yeah like I just like I'm like no if I want to make money I'll lift couches for the rest of my you know I've never I don't like ask for help or anything I just I take on a lot you know yeah and um yeah and then

like you know it was tough when he was uh when he was when he was eating when they were trying to get him to eat certain foods, and he wouldn't. He would refuse. He would only eat certain—even now, he only eats certain foods, and he'll get agitated easily. Yeah. So that's tough when he throws a tantrum or something.

Do you describe it as severe autism? That's what I would say, yeah, because now everybody's autistic. Well, that's the thing. It does feel like there's such a wider, you know. But my brother is, like, you know, non-verbal. It's hard to, like, describe it because if I say autistic, you're going to think of somebody who, like, you know, works for the MTA. Hannah Gadsby.

The good doctor. You're like, when's the special coming out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. But he's, like, pretty non-verbal and, yeah. Yeah, that's, I imagine for your parents that's a uh you know that's a whole lifetime thing then to like you know yeah yeah that was because i i used to when i first moved to new york one of my first jobs was i worked for a non-profit that was um uh for for kids on the autism spectrum yeah and i ended up

that was for kids on the autism spectrum. Yeah. And I ended up then like working like one-on-one. Basically, I was a manny for this kid. We still keep in touch. I guess he's in his 20s now. But it was in a New York City setting. It was like all these like rich Upper East Side people and being like seeing how much all of that,

A of all, how much it costs to have a kid in New York. And then B of all, seeing all the things that they had to do. And like, it just was like, it was like a real eye opening experience to be like, holy shit. Like, yeah, that would be so much. And you just feel it from the parents when you would interact with them. They were like, they would just be like, oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Like, I used to have a joke about shooting him. You know, like, like, just be like, oh my God. Yeah, yeah. Like I used to have a joke

about shooting him, you know, like I'm like, my parents are going to be gone someday so I'll have to shoot him or drown him or whatever. Oh yeah, one of the two.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you do feel that when you, you know. Well, what is it, do your parents have, does he have caretakers that your parents rely on

or are your parents like doing this full time? Not really, yeah. There's, I think sometimes there's like a guy that comes to the house and takes them to burger king or whatever yeah but uh yeah it's mostly it's mostly them was there any difference i mean once he got big enough that like he couldn't that if he wanted something you couldn't stop him like does it get scary ever sometimes yeah yeah yeah and uh it's funny because my mom is like super conservative.

So when we talk about like cops and stuff, like the whole police, like over-policing debate, sometimes she'll be like, my mom is so conservative that she'll be like, well, I would rather have a cop come to the house than a social worker to like subdue my brother. I'm like, are you sure about that? Do you know what that do you know what cops do to to mentally challenge people but uh yeah so and he's also like strong so you know you worry about like i don't think he would ever like you know kill my mother or anything but it's it is something you think about yeah yeah what what do you think when your parents do pass away? Yeah. Like what do you do?

Have you ever given thought? Um, other than the joke? Yeah. No, I, I guess I would, I would probably,

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I would live with him. Maybe, maybe there's some way to, you know, does it feel like in terms of with your siblings,

take that money from the state and get it, get a bigger place. Yeah. Yeah. You know, get him his own room. Are you the, he's pretty self-s and get it get a bigger place yeah yeah you know get him his own room are you the he's pretty self-sufficient i mean he can you know he feeds himself and everything and that's great you know yeah yeah yeah in terms of your siblings are you the the leader are you the are you the yeah i think so yeah but they're they're good with him yeah yeah but he doesn't like any of us really not at all yeah well you know it's just like he's kind of like reserved and like does his own thing.

And you try to, you know, you try to do stuff with him. But when I go home, he like doesn't want to be bothered. Has he met your son? Yeah. And I don't know if he's like that impressed. I really wanted a photo of them together. He's just like not that into it. I really wanted like a photo of maybe him, know pushing the stroller or something but you just got to let that develop

yeah i think yeah yeah yeah yeah he's like whatever that is funny because everyone's so excited by a new baby to have someone just like i don't give a fuck at all yeah you're more interested in the stroller like let me check this shit out yeah yeah um all right all right uh so and you you you uh you are married um and with deb she was did she go through a stand-up comedy phase uh yeah she dabbled in it a little bit she worked at caroline's for a long time oh really yeah and then so when we met she was like doing speech therapy, working at Caroline's on the weekends, and doing open mics somehow. But she quit because she was like, yeah, it's too much. Did you ever see her perform?

Yeah. Was she funny? She was okay. It's weird because she's very like naturally funny. Yeah. But, you know, on stage, it's like tough. Like, no, but it's like for anybody, you need time on stage. Status hard. It's hard. Yeah. Status hard. You need time to get good on stage, it's like tough. Like nobody, it's like for anybody, you need time on stage. Status hard.

It's hard. Yeah. Status hard. You need time to get good on stage. It's not like, you know. I tell Tova, I know this will never happen,

but I'm like, man, if you had 15 minutes, you could open for me. We could go on the road. And like, you know, I'm at a place where

if I go on the road, I'm not making, if I were to bring Tova and we were to get a hotel room that was like sufficient yeah it would lose money yeah but i'm like man if you just could get 15 minutes but at least you're not like in an applebee's you know at one o'clock in the afternoon because there's nothing else to do yeah yeah wait for the show to start sure sure i brought my family to sandy i did some shows in san diego uh like last weekend and it was fun. You brought your wife?

I brought the wife and the baby. That's nice. Yeah, it was cool. Is it – I mean, listen, having a baby and doing stand-up – having a girlfriend and doing stand-up has been tough enough. I mean, is it stressful? Do you feel like Deb really is supportive of you need to go? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, she's supportive. And it's like she – I have him during the day usually, she has them at night so that like you know works out for now but uh yeah sometimes it does feel a little silly you know to leave the house to go do to go to bushwick and do a show when there's a baby at home sure you know there's just like there's just like a certain like there's some garbage shows that i'm still happily to yeah cool and work out some new shit absolutely but then if it's, like especially with like, with like Tova's very understanding

of like a real show, but I do think there's something of like a, oh, hey, LOL just opened up a 1.20 a.m. spot. I can't do the fun night. Because Tova knows what the shows are that you're doing. Yeah, Tova knows. She's like, why?

And I'm like, because I gotta. Yeah. I gotta. Yeah. I can't do this weird new bit at the good show. Yeah. You don't think about how, like, cause when you go into comedy or show business, people

are like, you know, it's tough. It's really competitive. You gotta be, you know, you really have to want it, but nobody tells you like how much of your time it wastes. You waste so much time. So much. Why never? I never went through a full open mic phase.

No. Cause I was like, Because I was an actor, so I had some credits from acting, and I think it helped open some doors earlier. Every booker in the city was like, are those cum towels? That is so funny. Do you want to do weekend spots here? Every booker is just a piece of shit with no taste. It's a good bit. It is a good bit.

It's a good bit. Moist or crunchy's a good bit. It is a good bit. It's a good bit. It's a good bit. Moist or crunchy is a good bit. No, it's about how your friends are moving further along in life than you and you're at a certain place and it's about gifts and it's about weddings

and it's very amusing. The moist or crunchy, well, are we just looking at punch slices? Drown your brother a good bit? I don't know. But nobody who has $30 to spend on a cover charge is going to relate to that. All my friends are ahead of me. You know how many moms say, I have three sons.

I need six of these. I'm like, oh, my God, please. Okay. And you go, well, they're still $10 a piece. I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you. If they buy six, do you give them a discount? Do you do like six for $50?

No, I do even more. I say you really need these. It is kind of a good idea to have a towel that's just for cum. I have used them. We've talked about cum towels on this before, but this is pretty gross. I was at a hotel and i came and uh and i thought i was reaching for the hotel towel yeah

and it's and then you know as i'm wiping i'm like oh no this is one of my towels and i was so terrified oh okay because i was i had them for the road and i was so terrified because all of a sudden i was i was so all of a sudden paranoid that like i didn't know which back into the that i would sell someone a towel so i took that whole batch and i was like these are now my cum towels really because i was just so terrified of in my the like anxiety a spiral was like someone buys a cum towel they give it to their son the son notices it's a little bit crunchy they do a dna test they trace it back to me i've been selling uh you know cum towels to children or something so i just like the whole batch is is this batch is bad defective wow i had a i had an older man who asked me to send him a uh used one of my towels oh yeah i didn't do it for how much was he offering we didn't we didn't do it. How much was the offering? We didn't get to the price. Okay.

Tova ended up being not into that. I thought because it was like- What is your price? I think I've asked you before, but- If I were to send it- Well, Tova needs to understand that you got to pay the bills. It's not going to be with stand-up comedy. It's going to be with your merch. Just kidding.

If someone wanted a bottle of your sauce, but with your cum in it, how much would you charge for someone to just have your cum? 400 bucks. Okay. Yeah. All right. Anything less. Anything less.

Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. What would you do it for? I don't know. I think. And they can't use it. You're going to give it to them in a way where they can't. That's what I was going to specify.

They can't. You can't see your child on the street one day. It's like when you get offered gigs and someone's like, do you want to like, do you want to do this gig in Maryland for $200? And you go like, yeah, I could use the $200, but I also respect myself enough where I wouldn't do that. But, but yeah, so I think it would be at least when you said that I was like, who's, who's booking that gig?

I'd love to do it. No, but you're going to spend like a hundred bucks in toll and gas. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Um, how much for your to spend like a hundred bucks in toll and gas. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. How much for your cum? I don't know. I think it would

it would have to be a game time decision. If I could guess right now I would be like probably a thousand. But it You think his cum is worth less than half?

No, I'm not saying I'm just I'm just saying that having that that bracket I'd be like,, that seems like a reasonable price. So you went to college for two years. You were doing stand-up. Stand-up was going well.

Sure. Yeah, you were in Conan. Oh, it was going well? I'm saying that's why you left college because the stand-up was going so well. No, because I did Conan. I did Conan like eight years after that. Sure. But, yeah, I was doing bringer shows in college.

Was it tough to leave college or were you just like, fuck this, I'm out? I hated every minute of it. I was going for acting and I didn't like it. And I was like, I want to go to New York and do stand-up. Were you ever taking dance classes? We took movement for the actor and voice for the actor and both those teachers like really didn't like me but those

classes are taught by like older women who are like very flexible and they're kind of and you're just like why am I here? Were you funny? I want to be in taxi driver. Yeah yeah yeah. Sure sure. Yeah. You're on like a floor tremoring. Do you remember that in voice class? You'd be like uh uh uh like you'd be doing. Yeah I hate that. And they're like be an ice cream cone and you're on like a floor tremoring do you remember that and voice got you'd be like like you'd be doing yeah i hate that and they're like be an ice cream cone

and you're like skipping you're like skipping around the room like making animal noises yes all your parents are paying like you like it i mean i love that shit at the time i look back now that's why i say in in the stand up i say i took my classes were called movement and voice and other things i had studied as a baby and like like looking back, I'm like, when I put the money together with that, I'm like, ooh, that was a waste. A two-year program perhaps, but like, yeah, looking back. But I liked it. I liked doing like animal exercise where you, I was into it at the time. It was a, I was working, i was doing marketing for a home improvement company

i was going door-to-door get generating leads for sales people and every time they would send a sales person out i would get like 135 bucks so i was more into that i was more into like mark doing my marketing job and like buying colorful shirts with the money that i made like going to neiman marcus and buying clothes and uh and then and like doing stand-up i wanted nothing to do with these like i thought they were i thought they were all like babies to me all the theater kids i was like i don't you you're you're like children and i'm an adult man with a saturn and a job and i work on straight commission and i go out and i produce and i knock on doors and that's how i make my living and they're knocking on and you guys with their

exercises and you're like i I'm knocking real doors. Yeah. I'm like, you guys with your little meal cards. I eat at McDonald's for dinner like a man. Sure. Yeah. You're just judgmental of the whole college system. Yeah, I think so.

I mean, meal cards, that's rough to judge someone. This is how you eat? I get cash for my food. But part of me doesn't feel bad for people who have like student loans and stuff because i'm just like what did you think was happening but you're so young i think i mean i yeah i hear you i guess i i grew up fast i don't know i had i don't i don't feel bad for people's student loans because my parents paid for them i had a special i had a special needs brother and i was like i'm i'm grown up i gotta yeah yeah yeah

i just think i just think it's the whole thing of you're 17, 18, and people are like, well, you have to do this. And so you just enter this absurd. Did you have student loans? No. Well, I had a very small one, but it was like very small. And I would have had much. The college I wanted to go to, I would have had crazy, insane things. My parents were like, no way.

Especially for art to have student loans it's really silly yes and the college like they don't they don't and then it cripples you because then you're not able to you're not able to you know colleges i i mean i could go on and on about how the colleges don't actually prepare you to enter the professional world yeah like at this stage if i were to run a college right now and you would pay me that much money i'd be like all right first lesson is tiktok and second lesson is like how to build your twitter like for sure how many how many times you're going to see the lead goes to the tiktok star and you're doing animal exercises for sure um okay things change really fast if i if i start doing i did like a caroline's class one summer

in college and if i had been doing stand-up, I might have left acting sooner because the visceral feedback from stand-up is so enjoyable. Like, there's just something, once you have that one good show, you're like, oh, this tops, this tops doing a streetcar named Desire. Like, I want people,

every time I speak, giving me... I kind of miss theater, though, a little bit. I miss, like... But you could do it sometime. Could I? Yeah, I feel like... I played Allie Hackam in a production of Oklahoma I miss like, you could do it sometime. Could I? Yeah, I feel like,

I played Allie Hackham in a production of Oklahoma in high school and I might have worn a little bit of, on the face. But this was 2005. We didn't know it was.

Wait, Allie Hackham is, who is, who are they in Oklahoma? I don't know the show. The Persian guy. The peddler. Oh,

it was high school? High school. I did Arabian Nights and I, similar. Oh my God. Similar. Which we didn't, we didn't know. I did a, I did a, guy the peddler oh yeah it was high school high school i did arabian nights and i similar oh my god which we didn't we didn't know i did a i did a nothing on the face i did a production i won't say the production uh out in it was in texas and um there was like it was it's a show that's been going on for like 50 years and um one time in the dressing room and i was like why are the showers like all stained like red it looks like blood and they're like oh we used to paint for the indians

like it was like these showers are permanently stained from they used to like paint up people yeah and and it's just insane i did a fundraiser for my high school uh a while ago and i stupidly sent them the jokes in advance i was still pretty early but the joke i was trying to do the theater director was there and i was like ah we did some shows we shouldn't have done i did arabian nights pacific overtures which was about japan getting colonialized i was like thank god we never did a raisin in the sun and i got like a call being like please don't make this joke please don't call attention to the problematic productions we've done yeah people are so, it probably is like, guys,

it's okay. Yeah. You did it. Yeah. You did the thing already. It's too late. Yeah. But a lot of,

I think a lot of people did it. Oh yeah. For, you know, it wasn't like, the funny thing about it is like, you're like, yeah,

everyone was, everyone did it. Speaking of Halloween, my dad told me he, one year he was like, yeah, one year I just dressed up as black. I was like, Oh dad, find that picture. And I mean, yeah, told me one year he was like, yeah, one year I just dressed up as black. I was like, oh, damn.

Find that picture. I mean, the kind of work he does, he'd get promoted. But that's why in Virginia there was just that funny thing. It was just like the number, just the number of people in Trudeau. It's just like how many have to happen before people go like, okay, you know what? I think a lot of us fucked up in the 80s. Yeah. Well, the early 2000s, too.

Jimmy Kimmel did it on The Man Show. He played Carl Malone. SNL had one where they played factory workers in an iPhone. I mean, like, there's just this weird thing. Like, are we really going to pretend when we have video footage? Right, right. Yeah, yeah. I guess there just weren't enough people making noise or enough people who were able to say like this is not you know yeah not okay the writing was really good and

we were like you know what this sketch is good enough yeah i mean that kimo playing is it shack carl malone carl malone yeah i mean that that was uh that was brutal that was just like something there's sometimes it feels more offensive than others and i don't know what it is like jimmy jimmy kimmel doing a chris rock impression i'm like okay It was just like something. Sometimes it feels more offensive than others. And I don't know what it is. Like Jimmy Kimmel doing a Chris Rock impression. I'm like, okay. It's a very specific impression. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mix up all the jams. There's also the problem that all the hoes are white. Yeah. Oh, God. All right, let's see. I think we got all this. I love you use the term rat a lot online. And that's why I think you're so Italian.

I mean, that's you putting on Italian. Yeah. 100%. Sure. Did your dad use that term, rat? No. Did he call people rat growing up? No. But you talk about rat.

I liked the... It was something about someone had snuck in a whole meal into a movie theater. Yeah. And you were talking about how there's this kind of rat culture that's kind of celebrating. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's this fine line between like we need to speak up. You need to speak up about like these people in power who have been getting away for shit for too long. And in a way, you could call it ratting.

I mean the mafia certainly used ratting as a way to like don't speak to the problematic people. But there's this fine line between like what's – I think you know when it it's it depends on like who you're snitch for the you know for example the other day i moved my car for street cleaning and like during street cleaning everybody just double parks yes and i got a ticket for double parking during street cleaning and i look at the ticket and there's a thing that says citizen complaint at the bottom so somebody like called 311 during street cleaning hours to get to give for me to get a ticket yeah do you think it was their car and they were stuck yeah i think so okay because i i took the note and on the other

side of the note i i mean i didn't do anything illegal but i wrote on the other side of the note that they wrote i wrote there's nothing worse than a rat and i left it on their car wow yeah so you're very anti-rat like you talk about people who call noise complaints that's one of your things and i think i'm gonna try to slowly drive this person insane because i know the car and i know the yeah yeah yeah i'm kind of a big like revenge guy you know like the bible says the bible says not to take revenge and you know when like someone like fucks you over you're like okay i should let it go but i i, I do have like an enemies list. Yeah.

Like, is it written down? Yeah. I wrote it down a while ago and I don't, I don't have it anymore, but it's, it's up here. Wow.

Cause I don't write it down. How long is it? It's like four or five people. How many comedians? No, no comedians. Okay. Yeah.

Good. Yeah. But that will, that person is on the list no um i guess they are yeah yeah yeah number six we recently there was a who does that there was a woman there well recently there was a one on our block and i don't have a car but we're you know uh anytime i have like used a car for like a week or two bar my friends or parents car um um, you know, same thing. You, you double park. So this woman was, her car was trapped and she is honking the horn for like 20 minutes.

And like street cleaning lady. Yeah. So finally like I went out, we went on the balcony and we're like, it's street cleaning. It's double parked until 11. Like it's just going to be like that. Yeah.

And she's like, just keeps honking. I'm like, stop honking. You're just like, everyone's working from home. Like you're just, no one's coming. No one's coming.

And she just kept doing it. And like all the neighbors were all like standing out, screaming at her. And she just, it's just that you don't get to do it. No, you can't leave in that hour and a half. It's just, that's the way the world works. People, it's like, this is New York. Where do you think you are?

Yes. Go to Ohio if you want to have your space and whatever but like we're all on top of each other yeah and we have to cohabitate here you know yeah um well that that feels like a good time to get to our next segment this has got to stop this has got to stop this has got to stop i uh i have this got to stop today i don't have one okay we'll think of one right now uh do you have a this has got to stop today. I don't have one. Okay, well, think of one right now. Do you have a this has got to stop? All right, let's all go first. Yeah, you go first. Oh, this one's, I mean, it's not about Chappelle, but it's like what, I cannot stand the term goat.

I am so fucking sick of people talking about the goat. Who's the goat? Because it's, first of all, especially like in sports, there's part of right because it's first of all especially like in sports there's part of it where it's like okay i guess statistically they're the best but when it comes to art i'm like just shut up who the cares and then and then they start using the goat as if it's not just this made-up term so they'll be like it's like they'll be like yeah he didn't tell jokes for 45 minutes because he's the goat and i'm like well then not anymore though because it fucking sucked it's just like yeah it's a made-up thing and they keep using it to like justify other things

it's it's like you know if you're like oh chocolate ice cream is the best ice cream so yeah it can be covered in shit and you'll enjoy it because it's the best it's like it's stop i just hate the term i hate the debate yeah because people do the debate and my uh and he does call himself the goat and then he called himself the goat which is why i was with maybe the most offensive part of the whole thing well i was with uh uh eagle uh last night we took a cab together and he loves like he loves on facebook he's like who's the goat is kanye the goat is chapelle the goat and i'm and he'll like have like debates about it and i'm like okay can we at least acknowledge that this is fictitious that this

doesn't what do you mean the goat yeah yeah the goat and probably the goat isn't famous so all the goats the most famous of the thing i don't think so yeah so i just hate it i think the term needs to go away with sports maybe it's okay but i'm sick of being like is lebron the goat anymore no even sports though like you're like i don't yeah i don't know it's it just feels it feels like a waste of time to argue about it yeah but i think eagle was saying that when chapelle said that he was like and that's when he wasn't the goat anymore right right right i guess i like that but i was like yeah the goat doesn't have time to recognize that he's the goat yeah there's only one goat and his name is louis ck right right fellas

just a perfect comedian he's very good uh so what's your this has got to stop? Well, I don't know how funny this is going to be, but I feel like my this has got to stop is TikTok videos with no context. You know, you see all these like you'll be scrolling. You see these viral videos and it'll have like, you know, 400,000 likes and like a bunch of comments. And you're like, what's happening here? Could just say make a little text thing and say what happened. I saw this one video where this girl was on a, like in a subway car and she's like, all right, everybody calm down, everybody calm down. And then these like four cops, so she's, she's sitting in the seat

and she's filming. And these four, these four cops or maybe like five or six cops walk to the, to the subway car. They walk through the subway car one of the cops has like a white shirt so he's like a captain or a lieutenant or something he's like an officer and they walk to the other end of the subway car and then they all like run back the other way so like something is happening in the subway car that made five cops just run away and uh we never find out what it is i think it was a guy with a knife or something and you just and they just they the cops are like oh not yeah one time we're supposed to actually do something on the fucking subway they're like no they ran they saw someone jump the turnstile on the other side of the train. They're like, we got to get that guy. Don't worry about the knife guy.

Yeah. I, uh, I had a, I was on the train. I was on the subway. I was waiting. And some guy thought I was staring at him. You know, some guy who's going off. And I was just on my phone and I saw him like, you looking at me motherfucker? And I was like, yeah, I ignored it.

I probably should have moved away. But I think it did like something in me. I was like, I'm not moving. And he comes up to me and he goes to kick me and stops right here. And I saw an MTA worker being like, hey, knock it off. And nothing doesn't move. And I'm like, man, if you're not even doing, especially when you see where the argument of people who are very pro-cops are like, what are you going do when the when the guy's gonna kick you on the subway and i'm like well they didn't even do that fucking shit yeah so there's no well that's not the mta worker's job to protect it's

not the mta worker but it it felt like i don't know if you know they felt like they were there this wasn't like they were there monitoring like yeah whatever they were doing their job there was like monitoring there and i'm like it was just a strange i was just don't do this they just go home just hang you know there's some ways that you weren't with tova were you no yeah because if that happens with the with a woman you're like do you think i'm a bitch now for not well for not fighting that homeless oh man i was with uh i was with a um a woman I was seeing at the time. I felt humiliated. But it all happened so fast.

Yeah, yeah. She was coming back from LOL. This was in Times Square. And some guy goes up to this woman and just starts kind of, he has his phone and he's pouring water on himself

and he's like, you're making me thirsty. You're making me thirsty. But like, she had had traumatic experiences in her life. So he like kind of running at all of a sudden just a guy comes out you're making me thirsty while filming himself and she like screams and starts running and he's like chases after her like you're making me thirsty making me thirsty and i was just one of those situations where i'm like i don't know i don't know what's happening and especially with

like you know with men when i'm alone in new york people will do things i find unsettling yeah but i'm not going to engage them physically most times i'm like yeah this will go away danger yeah this will go away yeah but in this situation he wasn't touching her but he was like he was like tailing her and this was packed in times square and i was confused what was going on on the platform this. This was like on the street. Like on the main strip on Broadway or whatever. How much water did he have?

He had like a bottle but he was just like kind of like lightly. He wasn't like comedically if I were to give him notes I'd be like look if you're really thirsty you need a lot of water. We can tell that you're not trying to get too wet for the video. And there goes the humor. He but uh directing it at this girl yeah like he would like he was like she was

the one making him thirsty like oh girl and uh i i felt like i i definitely followed yeah uh and i like kind of got in between them but i do think there was something in her that would have wanted me to be like, hey, motherfucker, get the fuck over here. I'll make you thirsty. I don't know. I would have said something shitty like that. You never say the right thing. I'll make you thirsty, motherfucker.

I'll make you wet. I'll make you soaking wet, you bitch. You're never quick. You're never quick. No. Somebody will come at you, and you're not ready for it. Yeah.

You ever throw a punch? No. No. You ever you ever take a punch no i don't think so do you feel like you you could yeah i feel like i'm overdue for it but yeah i could take yeah i could take a punch but i haven't it's never like really gone there i don't know i do need to i do need to get we should punch each other you've gotten punched each other. Yeah. When it was a very, like I was crossing the street, someone, uh, they felt I was walking too close to them as they,

as I was crossing. And he kind of like hit me in the nose, probably like, like, like it didn't hit my head hard, but it did cut my nose. Yeah. And it shocked.

And you know what I did on the street? Well, also like, this is, this is like a very much a moment of after writing every like, fuck the cops thing online where, you know, there's a feeling when someone punches you in the middle of the street,

you want to be like, police, police, arrest this man. And I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to do that. And, and,

and he was a black man. It's in my head immediately. I'm like, you know, the cops, they, they kill him. And then I'm the guy that,

so I was just like, I was like, I was so shocked. I said, did you, did you, did you fucking punch me? Yeah. And he was like,

yeah, you're walking too close to me. And so I was walking away and I was just like, you fucking, you cunt. Where did he hit you? You fucking cunt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he just got higher and higher. You fucking cunt. And I was in, I was like, I was, when I was, where you moved me from,

I was in Harlem and I was just crossing the street to the subway and he just bought me and I had to like pause my headphones again it like it just more like

nicked my nose and it got a cut here so it was like yeah but he touched you yeah and I I remember I had to I had to pause my music

and I was truly when I was asking him I was like did you hit me because it happened so fast and I don't know weird I don like, did you hit me? Because it happened so fast. And I don't know. Weird. I don't know. Yeah. You never know.

It's weird. The shock of that happening is very, you know. Yeah. Like, because I was at a bar a couple weeks ago. And I, like, the bar's, like, kind of crowded. And there was an empty seat. So I asked the woman next to the empty seat. I'm like, is this seat taken?

And she's like, yeah. Well, I don't know. I'm not a hostess here. And, like, I was like, oh, okay. And then I sat seat. I'm like, is this seat taken? And she's like, yeah. Well, I don't know. I'm not a hostess here. And like, I was like, oh, okay. And then I sat down. I was like, wait, what? You might have some, they might be in the bathroom or something. I don't want to take someone's seat.

Anyway, but I just, I just left. You punched her. I hit her. Yeah, I went back. I went back an hour later and hit her. You're a revenge guy. Yeah. Uh,

you think of it as kind of stuff? Uh, yes. Um, so I'm not able to enjoy something I'm frustrated by is I'm not able to enjoy any of the like Twitter trends because I now I'm like two in my head of like what it's going to evolve into. Like it starts and I'm like,

okay, we're going to have this for 48 hours. Where's it it gonna end up and i'm so i'm i feel like i'm not able to enjoy any of them and also what's frustrating is gonna keep going like you're talking chappelle specifically no like any any any trend like let's say okay the new one the red flags one was well that one but like the one where people are like it started off genuinely like posting like, like tweets, but that for your boss,

like some of that, like, like about your boss about like quitting or whatever, you know, like people. And then now it's like joke versions of that. And it's like, it's like,

it's so funny to like see people respond to the joke ones. Like it's so clearly a joke. Yeah. Like, is this real? And like, and then that was happening for clearly a joke. Yeah. Like, is this real? And like, and then that was happening for a few days and people being like, is this real?

And then now some comedians then responding like, is this real as a joke? But you're like, all of it is, it's just a frustrating thing. Cause I don't know. I get in my head about it that I'm like, I'm over the trend before it even starts.

Cause I can't enjoy it and I can't enjoy it. And it's bumming me out. Russ, Russell's big. Russell doesn't post on Twitter, but he's's uh he watches it all he sees it all and i'm trying to wean myself off twitter actually it's i i feel like it's the least helpful social media yeah yeah i mean your tiktok game has been strong but i haven't been doing as many tiktoks yeah because i spend time on twitter like scrolling because i'm more of a writer so i like writing or just trying out jokes on there, but it's not

what it used to be. That's for sure. Do you think it used to be better? I think it used to be more like fun, you know? Like who's like fun? Like the only person I think on Twitter who's funny is that guy Caleb. Oh yeah, he's very funny. He's very, very funny. Yeah, but his

tweets like always make me laugh you know but uh but this is who else is like funny nobody's funny on twitter uh okay uh but this was i i remember during the pandemic when i did the first like tweet that i had that like where i started getting a little better twitter i did the jeff goldblum getting back to gal gadot and this is why you you uh you replied to it like when I first posted it you're like good good video and I and I was like oh my god and that surely is sure enough it did well after that but you were like the first comment and it was like the oh I think I did something good finally on this goddamn website um it's it's a hellscape but Caleb is very good there's some

funny people I think you're very funny yeah yeah I, I don't get the engagement that I would like, and my follower count is stuck. I have 26,000, which is decent. That's very decent. But I'm stuck there. What do you have? Maybe a year. Me?

Yeah. I don't use it. I have 100 something. It seems like TikTok is where you really grow and pop. TikTok is where you really grow, but selling tickets? The problem with TikTok is, I have a big seems like TikTok is where you really grow and pop TikTok is where you really grow but like but do you feel like selling tickets it's just like

like the problem with like TikTok is you know I have a big following on TikTok but if I do a video that's promoting something it'll get 20 views somehow still yeah yeah yeah

I think Instagram do you feel like you put it in the box Instagram seems like the good one are you putting your TikToks on Instagram reels yeah yeah that's

the reels have kind of changed the game okay people listening to this podcast have now shot themselves in the goddamn head I know there's nothing there's nothing more tedious selling tickets. On Instagram reels? Yeah. Yeah, the reels have kind of changed the game. Okay. People listening to this podcast have now shot themselves in the goddamn head. I know. There's nothing more tedious

than talking about social media, but it's so crucial. Yeah, I know. And I never, 10 years ago, I never would have bet on that. Like 10 years ago, when Instagram first came out,

I was like, you know, I think I'll just focus on stand up and get on late night and get on tv and if you had started then like even just taking like selfies every day you would have had a million followers but then but then you know there's the person who like really invested in snapchat and they're going god damn it how did this not become the next and there's so many apps right now where we're like i get on them and then i'm like this is not going anywhere you gotta be on all of them i try to dabble on everything yeah but then but now instagram feels

like it's winning twitter feels like the one that i'm like if i do well on twitter that means i'm good as a comedian but there's some great comedians that are better twitter imagine 10 years from now we're like yeah i should have been on rate my asshole the app where you post pictures of your asshole and they because people are able to tour from that they go on the road they do stand them on the road you know they sell they sell merch toilet paper yeah um all right well let's get to our final segment this is you better count your blessing um you better count your blessing. We'll end with something nice. Russell, you got a blessing for us today?

Why do I have to go first? This is how we normally do it. Oh, do we? Yeah. You want to do another Twitter one? No. No, no, no. You go first. I don't have a blessing. I need a second too. God damn it. I'm going to go. This is not a great answer, but I'm going to'm gonna go this is not a great answer but i'm gonna

say my dishwasher oh no that is a good that is a great answer yeah doug benson said music so go for it what's your dishwasher oh i just have a dishwasher what's your dish how long how long how is that nice how long have you had it uh i've had i've had a dishwasher for like probably since 2018 and i just i can't imagine not having one every once in a while i'll do had a dishwasher probably since 2018, and I can't imagine not having one. Every once in a while, I'll do a dishwasher appreciation day where I don't use it, and I'm like, I want to kill myself. Yeah. Yeah.

Really, you do the dishes by hand, and you're like, this is good. Every couple weeks, maybe. That's very religious, like a fasting of sorts, so you understand how blessed you are. Are you religious? Because you brought up the bible and you said yeah talking to god yeah no i'm not um but i was like raised i was like raised catholic and i did i did a podcast recently about like the bible so i was looking into like bible stories and i was like this is this is insane catholicism too kind of weirds me out

i'm like why because we just had our son baptized to make our family happy but you meet with the priest and then we also got remarried so we met with this priest and the priest is like asking us all these questions like you know do you understand the Bible's teachings about homosexuality do either of you use drugs are you financially

independent and he's like and then he goes impotence well no because you have the kid it's like i just met you and i have to yeah tell you about my penis and you're you went along it works fine it works just fine is there any part of you that wants to go fuck fuck you um no the priest was like a nice enough guy and he was from uh he was from africa so it felt cool to have like a you know but did deb want did deb want him baptized um who wanted him baptized yeah i think she did and she wanted and like it made our family happy and we always talk about going

to mass but we never do that's the one thing i don't have i'm not just super tight with my family in that way so like i just would never give a shit yeah if they told me like oh my god if they told me i don't know if i'll is your son circumcised is that too no no no are you circumcised i am yeah oh yeah so we very proudly did not circumcise him proudly like they came over with the thing and you're like no get, get out of here. Get out of here. It's a little, it's a little baby guillotine. Yeah.

Um, is there anything, is there, do you, I've never, I've only seen a uncircumcised penis, I guess at the locker room once in a while, but is it,

it's a, it's beautiful. It's beautiful. Yeah. It's the way God intended it. Well, there we go. Back to God. Of course. Um, I guess I have one. It's beautiful. Yeah. It's the way God intended it. Well, there we go. Back to God, of course. I have one.

Okay, go. I'm going to go with the appliances. I like that. I have a nest in my house. And last night, what's been... Sorry, what's it? So it's like you can control the temperature of the house in your phone. And I think of how i used to

live and i i take it for granted and last night i was very cold i had left a window open in the other room and i was able to turn on the heat just in the bedroom and uh that i'm thankful for it's it's a it's a dumb thing that you're like oh like, like kind of sounds douchey, but it's very nice. If we're going to go all appliances, I guess to fit it, we finally got a vibrator for this house. As opposed to, you know, it was just at her place. So now we have one here and I'm getting a lot more sleep. What do you mean a vibrator? Like for the...

Yeah, for sex. What do you think? No no that's what i figured did you think did you assume it was for me like you're getting more sleep yeah oh you assumed it was like you said a vibrator for me no i don't know if you were like oh vibrating peg no i yeah i don't know okay i i wasn't sure or i thought maybe it was like a like a white noise machine or something i wasn't sure it was for that yeah i guess if like someone found it this is our white noise machines just goes all night um well i thank you for doing the downside is there anything you'd like to plug um when does this come out

um okay so this will be coming out. Russell, say your plug for December. Oh, December, yeah. Uncle Function, Friday, December 17th, 7.30 p.m. at Asylum NYC. Okay, so this will be coming out November 16th, I believe. Okay, so November 19th, I'll be at the Roll Call Theater in Atlanta with Adam Friedland from Comptown. We're going to co-headline a show. Fuck yeah. And then, yeah.

And then, oh, and then Thanksgiving weekend, I'll be in St. Louis at Helium doing some shows down there Friday to Saturday. Very exciting for me if this is coming out on the 16th. Thanksgiving weekend, November 26th, 27th, I'm headlining DC Comedy Loft. Please come check it out. And then December 17th and 18th, 27th, I'm headlining DC Comedy Loft. Please come check it out. And then December 17th and 18th, I'm headlining Nick's Comedy Stop in Boston.

So you said The Uncle Function Show. And I guess how to twist this down, I would say even if you're feeling in the holiday spirit, if you're feeling good, just remember one day you'll die and your remains will somehow become common. They could very well end up in one of my famous moist or crunchy towels. This is the downside. Down the side you