The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #59 We Didn't Laugh Once with Alex Edelman

Episode Date: December 28, 2021

Fresh off his highly lauded Off-Broadway one man show getting delayed by Omicron, Alex Edelman joins us to discuss graduating from NYU as a virgin, Reselling Bowen Yang’s textbooks, Israel’s gun control policy, lying about having a twin on Conan, losing your virginity at 23 to a divorcée, growing up in Boston as part of “The Jack Daniel’s of Orthodox Judaism”, Spotify removing both our comedy albums, being so STD-free the doctor thinks you’re still a virgin, why you shouldn’t mention Hitler in your SAT essay, and how to handle an audience member who tells you, “We didn’t laugh once.” You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join The Downside Patreon for early ad-free episodes the Friday before they're released on Tuesday, two BONUS episodes a month (AUDIO & VIDEO), + the good feeling inside that you're helping keep my delusions alive. Follow ALEX EDELMAN on twitter & instagram See ALEX EDELMAN'S show, Just For Us Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Fawn Sullivan, Paige Asachika, & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The only thing I'd ask you not to address is one, how chat my lips are, and two, because I don't know what happened. Well, listen, I don't have any control over what the commenters say for the video clip I pull, but we'll do our best. Well, welcome to The Downside. My name is Gio Marco Cerezi. I'm here with my co-host Russell Daniels over Zoom from his parents' house. Hello from my mom's TV room. Yes. And we're doing this over Zoom because Omicron is spreading. And we're here with stand-up comedian, writer, solo performer, Alex Adelman. Hey, how's it going? Where are you? I'm in New York, but I'm literally like, I packed for Boston because I'm going to Boston today. For like, you know. And is this a trip you look forward to?

I wasn't going. My show has, by the time this comes out, it's not announced right now, but in two hours it's getting announced. My solo show, we're postponing it a month. or we're postponing the rest of the shows for a month because of um the omicron so my parents were like now you have no excuse not to come home for you know well for the holiday this is the downside you're listening to the downside with john marco cerezi what a perfect way to to go into the

downside do me a favor alex can you just back up slightly just so your head isn't cut off that's good perfect you just i i you know i can see your pores uh well thank you well that's that's a would you say that uh of everyone in the world, you've been most negatively impacted by coronavirus? You know, that is what I was telling my therapist. And he's like, yeah, absolutely. I'm definitely, you know, I'm basically a frontline worker. You know, like I'm basically the one who's suffered the most out of anybody.

Well, I was so bummed. I was going to see your show last night. My girlfriend saw your show on Sunday. And then yesterday I got that. I got that that message. It was going to be canceled. What a fucking nightmare. It does.

It does suck it is on the spectrum of things to suck not so bad because it's getting uh thank god it's getting rescheduled so like it'll be up in january and uh hello okay first break in that would be fun that would definitely be the clip if you got broken into literally my door just opened a little bit so i don't know what uh what it is what kind of where are you staying in a hotel or no no this is my i have an apartment here also i have an apartment here and then and then uh and then let me just see nope nobody i'm sorry i was no one was your door unlocked my My door was unlocked. Are you crazy?

I took out the trash right before this. It doesn't look out on the street. I'm in like a little complex. Do you have a doorman? Yes. Very jealous. Tova, so I'm getting a lot of new furniture for the podcast studio. And I have to time it because everything gets stolen at my place.

So I have to like look at the shipping window and if i'm out of town at any point in that window i can't do it so i brought up with tova i was like you know it's so stressful it's so annoying what do we do and she was like well when we move to a new place with the doorman together and tova's just skipped the whole discussion about moving in together it's just a fact it's kind of like what happened to me and my girlfriend in la she just there's no she just moved in one day i looked up and there were twice as many shoes and i was like do we live together and she's like yeah we live together i was like are you gonna start paying no no i'm not gonna start paying oh well you know she's had

a tough year financially i'm sure i um i uh uh so i i we will get to all your downsides in a second i did want to start with something and i think you will relate to it i'm not going to say the club that i performed at this past weekend but i'm going to message it to you and you tell me if you've worked it because you probably had just wait one second i'm so have you have you worked that club before i have it's a coke den that also doubles as a club yes wait joe marco send it to me well you know where i was you know where i was this weekend uh You were? Oh, you were? Okay. For you to disclose the zip code, I will say that this is one of the first clubs I ever performed at. I was 17 years old, and I got off stage,

and someone said, good set, kid, and handed me a truly enormous amount of cocaine in a sandwich bag. Not like a little button bag, like a Ziploc sandwich bag. And I said, what is this? And he went, come on. That sounds like you were paid way more than I was. Maybe in a different currency. Was that for free?

It was for free. I handed it back to him and he went, okay. And then he called me a word that I won't repeat on a podcast, but he... Oh, God. The F word, I assume. This is another comic trying to ingratiate himself. That is incredible. So I can't imagine doing it at 17.

Listen, I've worked enough. I've worked enough working at LOL in New York. Prez prepared me for that. But at 17, that would have press prepared me for that but at 17 that would have swallowed me alive that club uh that so so it's basically at least this one i know it's moved places but i think this is the same place it was it was like a it turns into a club a nightclub or something i was told uh end at 9 30 sharp don't do a minute before and if you do a minute after i heard sometimes the the DJ will just start playing music,

no matter where you are in the show, in the middle of a joke. So I was like, for the last five minutes, I was basically looking at my phone, timing it to be exact. I get there. Security checks my bag, which I found weird as the comedian,

but fine, whatever. No drink. I didn't get a free drink. I asked for a seltzer. They said you got to pay full price. I don't think I'm too much of a princess, but that's a big no-no. You can't give me a drink. A seltzer?

Not even a seltzer. Full price for the seltzer. Wait, wait, wait, Wait, wait, wait. Did you say to take on stage with me? I did. I said I'm the comedian. Was it from the gun seltzer or a bottle of seltzer? Well, I'll never know because

I didn't pay for it, so I just took the free water already out, which always makes me uncomfortable when there's just water out on a tray. So, already feeling a little bit disrespected. And

I go on and the security guard middle of the show starts doing... I know the security guard you're talking about. Yeah, there's two. I had one on the other. The one you're talking about yeah there's there's two i had one one on one on the other uh the one you're thinking of is he a black man or a white man i know both of them okay so this was the white man this is the white man and he was uh uh middle

of the set he starts doing like a security sweep like through the audience like very slow with a flashlight looking under people's chairs by the way he had done a security check of everyone's bag before the show but he's doing a second round middle of the set and so i joke i i say you know something along the lines of like oh what are you looking for a bomb or something and he comes he he like sees, he comes to the side of the stage, and he gestures to me like this. I'm in the middle of my set. So I say to the audience, excuse me one second, I go to the side, and I say, is everything okay?

And he whispers, I'm looking for weapons. And then I go back to the audience. I don't handle it well. I'm very thrown off. And in fact, because I always record my sets, I have the audio here. We'll see if it can make sense of what I just told you. No bombs.

Good, good. Thank God. Now, if he had said only the one on stage, that would have been a good response. Next comedian, though. What were you looking for? Walks around. Oh.

Are you talking to me? What's wrong? Oh, look, okay, got it. Okay. He was, uh, I think he whispered it, so I'm not supposed to say it. But it looks like we're all safe for right now. Didn't that feel good? That was a nice TSA sweep.

You're like, okay, if there's any bombs this size, I think we got them out of the way. You handled that very well. Oh, that's very kind. I was thrown. Wait, was there something, did something happen to the theater where they thought that there would be weapons?

Was there any threat of weapons? I think he's approaching it like you would a nightclub where I guess you have to do a lot of security sweeps throughout the night. But I was like, you checked everyone's bag. What? And it was one of those, the way he did the security sweep, look, these servers, the security, they're not paid enough, I'm sure.

But, like, you want them to bend over a little security they're not paid enough i'm sure but like you you want them to bend over a little if they're in the front row you want them to kind of sneak kind of be quiet but sometimes like this was a security sweep he was standing full walking slowly walking between people it was a real uh uh uh it was a real pain in the ass so yeah that's that club you handled that brilliantly if I'm being honest with you. That's very sweet, Alex. What would you have done? I think that, first of all, I have, so I don't want to,

I have a slightly equivalent situation, which is that I was slightly equivalent. I was in Israel. I did my last, as many Jews do, I did a semester, not a semester, I did a year between high school and college in Israel, what people call their, some people fancily call their gap year, but Orthodox Jews call their seminary year, their yeshiva year. I did my yeshiva year at a place in the middle of jerusalem and i lucked out because this guy i met this i immediately googled like comedy jerusalem found a guy doing shows in like the back of an ice cream shop

and he was like hey i'm thinking of opening up a comedy club. And I was like, bro, yes, please. I will help you open up this comedy club. And the comedy club is called Off the Wall Comedy Basement. Get it? Off the Wall? Off the Wall. Perfect. Perfect. Still there.

Still there. And the club was, there was an armed guard every night, Jeremy. And he carried an M16. And you'd pass Jeremy. You'd be out there with his M16. You'd go every night, Jeremy, and he carried an M 16 and you pass Jeremy, you'd be out there with his M 16 and you go, Hey Jeremy. Hey, then one night I'm on stage and there's a kerfuffle on the front. And the kerfuffle was, there was a soldier outside arguing with Jeremy. The soldier didn't have his M 16 and jeremy wanted to know where his

m16 was he was like you're walking around this guy's walking around in uniform and in israel i get and like they got to talking and jeremy's like where's your gun and the guy gave him a fuzzy answer in in israel apparently they're so strict about gun control that every gun and bullet is registered. And if you lose it, you go to jail for a year. So, like, that's why Israel has an extremely high gun ownership rate, but a very low rate of, like, gun violence and, like, accidental gun death because everyone in the country. So like, so like I got us, I assume that somebody,

so I heard what happened. I was like, oh man, someone wants to bring a gun in here. And they're like, no, he doesn't have a gun. And someone else was like,

don't let him in here without a gun. And I was like, what? I was like, you mean don't let him in here with a gun. And they're like, no, he doesn't have a gun.

He shouldn't be allowed to come in. The argument was over whether or not the soldier had their gun. And it was basically like, get that guy out of here. Don't let him come back until he has a deadly weapon to kill us all. It was really – That's a very interesting solution to gun control in a way or maybe gun – or shootings where you just make it more accountable but you you get mad at people if they don't have guns that's kind of a compromise if you it's actually kind of amazing i think like obviously israel many many many many many many other issues and

like super complicated opinions on like is you know on the country but this is a zionist podcast just so you know so watch your fucking mouth well zionists are like your fans of the matrix no no but like uh but like i do think it's it's really interesting to be like okay everyone in the country is going to be like super trained in guns all the time no one ever like like i would hear a story about like this guy one time pointed a gun as a joke at somebody else and like that was the horror story like it wasn't that like the guy shot the person it was like i heard salia once pointed his gun at his friend and everyone's like that's crazy like that would be the story oh god there was a there was a do you hear about the school pointing

today that sounds like a much a much better version yeah but like how do they how do they you said they register the bullets too like do they they you check out your boxes of bull you like sign out your boxes of bullets and stuff like that so everything everything has to be account and by the way i don't think i'm exaggerating like it's one of those things you know how your mind like exaggerates like yeah yeah like i don't think i'm exaggerating by much like i'm pretty sure that like by the way maybe you don't if you lose your gun you don't think I'm exaggerating by much. Like, I'm pretty sure that, like, by the way, maybe you don't, if you lose your gun, you don't immediately go to jail for it. But, like, after a while, like, it is a criminal offense. Like, I'm happy to be, like, fact-checked on that.

But, like, I heard stories about a guy who lost his gun and went to prison. And, like, I was like, is this true? And my friend Kobe was like, yeah, that's what happens here. You lose your gun, you go to jail. You know, like, it's that's what happens here you lose your gun you go to jail you know like it's a really i think it's like there's for all the schools they have metal detectors to make sure you're armed every time you go in yeah fifth grader comes to like they're like you know yussy and he's like right here right here okay very good trigger discipline he's like yep trigger you know like they're very yeah they're

very serious this feels like i i it reminds me of uh it's a little bit different but chris rock he had a joke a while a long time ago about how like bullets he said gun should be legal but bullet should cost like ten thousand dollars a bullet so be like man i'm gonna kill you but i can't afford it right now um oh yeah he went no innocent bystanders yeah yeah yeah right yeah i uh bystander i i like this i like this um well well well well let's go speaking of of your jewishness you uh know my my girlfriend tova from way back and tovi even told me that she went on a torah tour you guys have so many terms i'm learning where she like hosted at your house when she was in college but you weren't there no i heard about this later she was like i did a thing in boston

and your parents like tova and i were part of the same sort of sect of Judaism, which is modern orthodoxy and we were one of the, we were both interested in comedy and in college. But just so I know, she was Chabad and you were not. So Chabad's not really

Chabad's not really a sect. It's sort of like, oh, she maybe would go to Chabad Chabad is a place Oh she was raised in Chabad I didn't know that Oh no I didn't know that about Tova Oh yeah Wow no I wasn't raised Chabad

I was raised as sort of more More small batch Orthodox Judaism That's sort of the Jack Daniels of Orthodox Judaism I was raised sort of more more small batch orthodox judaism that's sort of the jack daniels of orthodox sort of the like um you know knob creek or high west uh you know like a like also a brand that is sort of well known but doesn't really get good market share outside of a specific area i think there's so many fucking terms i'm now going to to tell people, I'm like, it's the Jack Daniels Judaism. And they'll be like, what the fuck are you talking about?

You got Chabad, you got Jack Daniels, and secular. Or Russell, who's so outside of this right now. Listen, I was like Evan Williams. I could name like liquors, but I really have no reference for everything else. I think it's good because I know more about Judaism. You definitely know more like liquors. I was, but I really have no reference for everything else. I think it's good. Cause I know more about Judaism.

You definitely know more about liquors and I feel like together we can figure out what the fuck you're talking about. Yeah. My stupid, my stupid goddamn analogy, my stupid liquor analogy that also I'm, it's on my mind cause I haven't had a drink for three weeks cause of my show.

You don't, what will you, what does that have to do with the show? I don't drink when I'm doing a run anymore of shows. Like if I'm doing a run of shows, although I guess my run of shows has been canceled, I could absolutely crack open it. Wait, tell me about that rule. That's very interesting. I mean, do you drink and you drink heavily and you're hungover? Why? interesting you you i mean do you drink and you drink heavily and you're hungover you just is it a why because when i started doing solo shows i started doing them at the edinburgh festival

and that was just maniacal like it was in edinburgh in scotland people drink like it's the as john mulaney says the end of the world like people drink like what is going go ahead you can answer that door people drink like it's the most um oh hold on i think this might further burnish my jewish creed thank you so much thank you george okay thank you yes please what is this uh nothing yes thank you i can't believe you're not gonna lock the door right now i can't this is so stupid jewish someone has delivered me a babka as a consolation gift for oh that's sweet but also holy shit this is the most beautiful babka i've ever seen hold on let me see if i can bring it into a light i feel like an influencer now i wish we were doing it in Holy shit. This is the most beautiful babka I've ever seen. Hold on.

Let me see if I can bring it into a light. I feel like an influencer. Now I wish we were doing it in person. Ooh. Wow. Delicious. Wow, what kind of babka is that? Is that onions?

It's a ring babka. It's a rose babka. It's a savory babka. What? Is that onions on top? No, it is, I'll tell you right now, candied orange peel. Holy shit.

With pistachio crumble. I mean, truly, that is beautiful. Oh, God, that looks good. I think it's worth postponing the show just for that. I will say that my friends, on opening night, I got bab cuts from two different people on i'm like people for biglia when the show was extended made a joke in the press release about bob cut he was like i'm like is my brand bob cut and some of your listeners right now are

like what the fuck is a bob cut no no no let me tell you we've had a lot of jew we had a jewish chef jake cohen was on the show and oh my, my buddy Jake, who's supposed to come to the show tonight as well. Oh, really? Just the coolest man in the world. You know what? I will say one thing about I have found in the last year and a half a Jewish community that is thoughtful and fun in the way that I never did before, honestly. Well, it's very interesting, because I was not raised very Jewish,

and being with Tova is kind of like, you know, sometimes I'm like, well, I don't belong here. Like, I'm Jewish, but there's a feeling of just like, I don't really know these traditions. I think, and I don't know if I'm full of shit,

that the general Jewish negativity and depression and don't really know these traditions i think and i don't know if i'm full of shit that uh the the general jewish uh negativity and uh depression and uh uh all these things was passed through my jewish mother that like she i was raised jewish not religiously but emotionally and i do think that might be true russell what's your upbringing white uh like no religion, upstate New York, rural. But like it was from an early- Where in upstate New York? Near Binghamton. It's a small little town called Bainbridge, New York.

Oh, I know Binghamton. How do you know Bainbridge? Because I spend a lot of time in upstate New York. Bainbridge, New York. Where is, it's like um it's near own um where the tiger yeah it's where near where the tigers play the tigers who the tiger who are the tigers tigers are the minor league baseball team in oneonta i don't know but um that's your people man that's your culture so uh. So our listeners love talking about Bainbridge.

But tell me, Boston, because when I did the show in Boston, I did ask for some of the jokes how many Jews are here. And I don't think there was one. So what's the Jewish population like in Boston? Me? No, no, I'm kidding. The Jewish population is pretty distinguished, but I don't know that they're going to be found at that specific venue on that night. A lot of them will go to the Wilbur to see Gary Goleman or Mike Birbiglia

or their act specific largely. Good, because I'm headlining there next week, so that'll be good too. Really? In Boston? No, Alex, i'm not headlining the wilbur i don't fucking know and jim i just watched yours i watched your special last i guess it was literally i think only watched it about like eight nine days like last week uh there's very nice you to watch it i appreciate it they plug it shelf life it's shelf life it's on watch it. I appreciate it. Replug it. Shelf Life. Shelf Life. It's on YouTube. Amazon. It's on YouTube.

It is fucking everywhere except for Spotify. Spotify has taken it down. The laugh button. Really? Yes. What is going on with that? My album is gone from Spotify as well. I was trying to listen to it.

I had already heard it once, but I was trying to listen again. There was some contractual disputes. This is my understanding of it. It's with uh what's it called giant something giant they're the yeah uh and basically spotify pays normally they pay uh one amount for the song itself the entity and then another amount for the writer and with the comedy they've only been paying for the track itself and they don't pay a separate fee for the writer and so spoken giants was saying like well the comedian wrote the lyrics these are lyrics this is a song they wrote it so you have to pay i think it's double what they have been paying and spotify was like okay we're just going to remove everything

and that's what we're going to pay two cents? We're getting paid two cents instead of one cent for this book? I know, that's what I said. I said I probably won't notice the difference because I found a nickel on the way here. I mean, that Spotify money is pretty bad. Yeah, it's Pandora and Sirius where we get our sweet, sweet bucks from. Well, I'm thinking about, I've been told by a lot of comedians

that the real money is if you do a clean album. Now, I don't know. You curse. I curse in conversation, though. By the way, it's so funny. I have found a small audience on raw dog comedy. That's what my album is called. I'm not a raw dog comedian.

I just curse once in a while, but I'm like, I should re-record the entire album clean so that we can put it up again i'm thinking of i'm thinking of doing that what is raw dog comedy it's the serious channel for comedy that is that there's that you can't swear on okay okay yeah so you know it's it's like people talk about fucking raw dog and then it cuts to alex talking about i was a jew in boston and the audience goes what the fuck is this hey how dare you i mean that's accurate but yes i mean how dare you accurately portray me how dare you perceive me i will not be perceived. So when –

Sorry, you were trying to talk about my son, right? Yeah. And you have a twin. You have a Jewish twin. I don't. This is a fault of another – No, this is the fault of another comedian. Tell me.

I used to have a joke. AJ and I, when we were growing up, we looked exactly alike. AJ is a year and change younger than me. And I used to say we look like twins in a joke. And then a comic friend of mine, who I won't throw under the bus, said, "'Just say you're twins, no one gives a shit. "'It's just cleaner for the joke.'"

So I did it, but then I did it on Conan and I'd get letters from twins going, "'So nice to see a twin, so nice twin representation, "'like I'm a sklar brother or something like that i always have to write back and go i'm not a twin i'm sorry to disappoint you it's the biggest whopper i've ever told let me well let me ask you that because i i have been thinking about this recently so uh i talk about my divorce, and my dad has been married twice, but he had, like, these long relationships. So I sometimes imply he's been divorced four times because it felt like I had stepmoms.

He dated them for six, seven years. And I worry if I tell that joke, people are going to go like, my parents were divorced four times too. And I'll have to write them back and be like, sorry, I'm a liar. No, this isn't journalism. Like, the show that I'm doing now is about a meeting of white nationalists I went to. Oh, so you already know Russell. Yeah. white nationalists i went to and so you already know russell yeah dude what a great yeah and i and i and like i was fanatically devoted to the truth about it and then i was like i need to like it's getting in the way. So I started like combining characters

and I moved like some people's opinions around and stuff like that to like other people to create more distinct characters in a thing. And then like, you know, and now I'm afraid that one of them is gonna show up in my show. But like my therapist, my therapist actually was like like do you really think someone's going to stand up in an audience in new york be like excuse me i was at that meeting of white nationalists that that guy went to and he's exaggerating about how you know about who said what and and

two characters yeah yeah yeah and they're like to me that's that's clearly an amalgamation of two people one of which is a close personal friend of mine who said that horrible thing about black people and Jews. But the thing is though, I've changed a bunch of details to protect myself. Where the thing is and the amount of, because I don't want these people ever cropping up in my life, but it's uh it's not it's not journalism comedy it's it's not art there it's sorry it's not it's art it needs to be crafted stories need

to be sculpted the ring of uh the like i don't know i that's that's how i feel personally but i think i agree with you but i think the way that people approach comedy now, there does come – I joke about playing a waiter on Law & Order SVU. I played a waiter in something else. Law & Order is the common show, but people will write me and they'll say, what episode of Law & Order? And it's just – it's such a deflating conversation to be like, oh, that wasn't true. That's just like it takes the magic. It just feels like a real like. Dude, I moved the, I moved the, there always have to be.

I think part of being an effective comic is going, this is how it felt. Sure. You know, like this is how it felt. Sure. You know, like, this is how it felt. What it felt like was Law & Order SVL. Like, I worked in a chicken restaurant in, you know, Manhattan, like, in college for a while, but I changed it to the Penn Station, the KFC in Penn Station.

That's so funny. When you said that just now, I was like, you mean the KFC? Yeah, well, I worked at the KFC in Penn Station. That's so funny. When you said that just now, I was like, you mean the KFC? Yeah, well, I worked at a KFC, but it wasn't in Penn Station. Because frankly, do you know why I decided not to work there? That was the first place I wanted to

work. I decided not to work there because I had got a job in Penn Station working somewhere else. And then James Smith, he was a comedian whose name sounds like a fake name but uh he's an australian comedian and this dude was he was a seller comic when he lived here and he was mean as fuck to me he was so mean and once i saw him going into the kfc in penn station i was, I can never work there because if this guy sees me working at the Penn Station KFC, I will, you know, get bullied. I will die. But like, I went with that

guy to see Eddie Izzard at, you know, at Madison Square Garden. And then as everyone else said goodbye, I took the escalator downstairs to the depressing job i was working at in penn station where they all went to like the boom boom room or something and i was like yeah no i'm just going to this other place i'm going to this other happening place i'm going to go pack boxes this really what was the job i don't know if anyone can really pass too much judgment on anyone working at a penn station restaurant when they're also choosing to eat in a penn station restaurant you know i mean like in new york that lives there is like i'm you know what i'm gonna stop any anywhere in penn station i was breaking down boxes in a uh across from

penn station there was a like tv studio and they had or like like i think like MSG was in there for a while and they have like some other they have some like other stuff in there but there was a facilities thing there a friend of mine Billy was giving us some under-the-table cash for working in facilities I had a lot of friends who got me like sort of hookup jobs in college like another friend of mine I went around and bought people's textbooks back from them at the end of the semester with like a little scanner and stuff like that. And I did cash for like the,

by like the weird thing. There was also like some service that would pack college students as belongings away at the end of the semester. I would do around the end of the semester. I'd make like a pretty good amount of money by like taking it. Like I you know bowen yang bowen who's on snl yeah i bought bowen's textbooks from him because i knew but like i remember coming into like bowen's dorm and like scanning you should have held on to those those be worth a little bit more maybe 1.2 as times as much textbooks are so expensive there were a couple textbooks that are like

get the holy grail where i'd be like where like if i walked in and saw like you know introduction to like um what was it called it was uh it was like the wire primers guide to modern music it was like this shrink-wrapped thing edited by this guy rob young and like if you found the guide to modern music which was like really specific and skinny that was like a very expensive item and i'd be like i am getting 10 like that's gonna pay for a lot of fucking milkshakes at the downstein time but by the way it was it going to college in new york was a of fun. Where did you guys go to school? Alex, that's not how this works. I ask you questions, and we've talked about our school sucks.

I want to hear about NYU. You don't want to talk about Bainbridge? You want to talk about the Elmer's Glue factory? I don't ever want to talk about Bainbridge again. Wow, you know about Elmer's Glue. He really does know about Bainbridge. I don't want to talk about the Tigers, the glue, the one Dunkin' Donuts there. You went to NYU, and I wish I had gone to NYU. That was my – I did not get in.

It's the only school I got into. Really? What other ones did you apply to? I applied to a bunch of schools that, frankly – One of the admissions offices called me and they're like, you are like, I had to like be average in college. And that's because like, I failed. I did awesome in like English and history, but I failed all my Jewish ones, like failed,

like got like pass fit. Like I took a bunch of classes, pass fail, Ds, Cs in some cases. And I applied to Columbia and Brown, and they called me and they were like, bro, what? What do you mean? What did they call and they said, please don't make us read this whole thing? There was a nice guy who was like, did you leave something out of your application? Did you leave something out of your application? Did you leave something incredible? Did you cure cancer?

Because that's the only way with the rest of this information we have. Are you getting into Brown? I did really well on my SATs. That helped. Or I got like a 22 out of 2,400. I remember they used to there was a while where they did the essay thing.

Russell, what did you get on your SATs? I don't remember they used to great there was a while where they did the essay thing but like russell what did you get on your sats well what's the the original i remember they switched the grading thing because it doesn't even sound like the numbers 1600 you we can still calculate out of 1600 i think oh oh okay um i think it was it was not that great it was in the 1200s yeah that's probably where i was you know yeah i did i did well because the essay the essay helped and then do you remember what your essay question was no mine was something about like is it better to be like consistent or or flimsy or something and i made the mistake you're always supposed to you're supposed to pick one and go with it but i did the mistake where i was like well hitler was pretty consistent but that's not good uh but with it but i did the mistake where i was like well hitler was pretty consistent but that's not good uh but this is like i did the thing where i was like this is not a good question

and they said we disagree it's a very good question you're not a very good answerer and i did not do well that is absolutely hilarious that is so funny to me that you're just like well look let's debate the man now is the time for me to find my that is so funny that's how it goes because i did a little bit of sat coaching looking back i wish i had done a lot of sat coaching uh it's all bullshit but i think you know you got to play the scam yeah there's something i'll tell you about the sats that i did after we get off this podcast because i can't tell you i'll get in trouble oh my god there's not a lot of things i could think you could have done with it other than cheat i gotta say like i don't know

i didn't cheat on my sats okay um one time i had to for grad grad school, I had to take, there's like exams. I don't know what they're called, but you basically, I got into grad school and it was for acting. So I was going to get my MFA and the school said, doesn't matter what you get on these things. You just have to take this, like whatever the grad school test is. It's like a test. And I remember I took it and I kept being like it doesn't matter what i do so

i i didn't study for it at all and um i got to the end and i didn't realize that there was a writing portion and it was like the next three hours is going to be writing an essay or two essays and i i left because i was like if it doesn't matter and i just have to take this maybe it'll be okay and it was okay no one cared they did not care at all that i just left and didn't do any of the writing did you write one sentence or did you get no i did not i i looked at it penis penis penis penis they said two hours or two or three hours and i was like absolutely not like i was like no way if this doesn't matter. So I just left. If you could throw a penis, I just imagine a proctor being like, well, that is a pretty good summary of the Treaty of Ghent, actually.

Like, I do. Well, when I took. I didn't bring it up for anybody. I took AP Latin in high school. And I was, my language retention has always been terrible. And so, like, it was senior year. I stopped caring. And half the test was essay questions based on this paragraph in Latin. And I only could recognize one of the words in the whole paragraph and it was shield. knowing only that the word shield appeared once and i just made up stories and i tried to use whatever capitalized words were in their lives like hopefully that's a name and uh i would do

anything to get that that essay back i should i should have like not gotten credit it was so terrible i kept some of my essays from college and they're here like i had one or two incredible professors college was awesome for me because i would just like try shit like literally like i shot music videos for bands on the subway i like i actually want to like that i shot a music video for a band on the subway that was really really great and got me a bunch of like i didn't come up with it someone else came up with the idea but like totally got me a bunch of, like, I didn't come up with it. Someone else came up with the idea, but like totally got me a great job. And I think it's still on the internet somewhere.

Please send it. We'll put it in the links. Was it tough? Because I filmed a couple sketches on the subway in my life and they are always a wild ride. Do you know what it was about this thing? It was, oh my God, it's 11 years ago now.

God damn. I was in college and I met these guys on some job and one of them was like, we have this great idea where this is the iPhone had come out and they're like, we're going to play our single on instrument apps. Like the drum roll play a drum app. The guitarist will play a

guitar app the vocalist will have like a little microphone thing attached to like an amp underneath and we'll play it on the subway and they did it and it was awesome and it went like it went viral for then which means like four million people watched it in two days and it became like apple's like single of the week today that like today like like one makeup vlogger gets it but like you know in 20 minutes gets 4 million views but like it was so sick and all of us got like they got signed to like a pretty big label and did like a like a couple of like 80s covers for like the Take Me Home Tonight movie. Wow. That was the dream.

There was a day, man, I know some people, some of them have dropped out of comedy, but they were making sketches early at YouTube, and it would go viral. The next day they were on Ellen, and it was just like wild success that you could have with a viral video. Dude, I loved those. You remember Brightanic? Oh, I love Brightanic.

They've both come to the show in the past week. And I'm obsessed. I was obsessed with them in college, obsessed. Obsessed. They're the best. I love them. I went to NYU, and these guys were just graduated NYU kids. Everybody looked up to them.

Donald Glover was in some of their sketches and like Rami Youssef and like you're right a viral sketch occasionally someone would have a viral sketch and they would although it's like it's a some people had viral like Rachel Bloom had viral sketches she did a viral sketch called uh fuck me Ray Bradbury that like yeah that launched her career a little bit and and some people did a viral sketch and uh fuck me ray bradbury that like yeah that launched her career a little bit and and some people did a viral sketch and wound up working for a semester of college humor and that was it now they work in real estate you know sure and they're probably happier than all the rest of us i am so dreading groceries this week why you can skip it oh what just like that

just like that how about dinner with my third can skip it. Oh, what? Just like that? Just like that. How about dinner with my third cousin? Skip it. Prince Fluffy's favorite treats? Skippable. Midnight snacks? Skip. My neighbor's nightly saxophone practices? Uh, nope. You're on your own there. Could've skipped it. Should've skipped it.

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From placing your first trade to setting up customized stock alerts we're always by your side just a few of the reasons why we are canada's number one rated online broker by money sense get started today at questrade.com now tell me though because so i'm very envious of people who went to nyu i've always have been now because this is the downside though tell me tell me the bad parts of other than the fact i get it's expensive obviously you were working at penn station you know also i was too busy trying to find uh my people and my jobs to actually enjoy i managed to graduate n a virgin. Like I went to college in a water park and walked out dry. Like I essentially, like it legitimately was, uh,

I met wonderful people there and dated a couple of wonderful people, but like I was a solidly socially quiet, um, inveterate, like, like when everyone else was dating i was like exploring abandoned mental hospitals and like you know uh i i was like no one crazy enough to fuck you apparently that's such a were there were there close calls or no? Just real. Close call. Oh, my God. You mean in the mental hospital? No, no, no.

I know what you meant. Was it because you were with other orthodox? Like, were you still... Like, Tova talks to me a lot about... She has a joke, something about her college smorgasbord of dry humping. That there was a lot of dry humping because there was a lot of Chabad Orthodox, not sure, are they fucking yet? Was it because of that? There was some of that.

Yeah, definitely. There was definitely some of that I was like holding on. Also, like I still hold on a little bit to like, even once I started sleeping with people, like casual sex was never like really my thing. And like, I've been very, you know, I was very like,

it's so funny because there was someone who was, who once was like, you know, you're being nice to me. And, and their, and their boyfriend was like, you're clearly trying to sleep with her and and their and their boyfriend was like you're clearly trying to sleep with her and i was like bro no like i haven't slept with and like like trust me

like this is not how it's like this i love that defense y'all i'm not hitting on her dude i've i have never i've i don't have sex but But I have, to paraphrase Robert Frost here, I have miles to go before I sleep. Like, trust me, trust me when I say that I have no designs on your girlfriend. But like, and by the way, this is like, this is recent. Like I had lost my, this is a couple of years ago. I had lost my virginity, but it's just like

when you're raised Orthodoxodox like you sort of walk around the world a little bit differently like your what are their views on sex i mean is it is it similar to marriage wait till marriage or is it a little different it's not wait till marriage wait until there's like an emotional connection that feels worth that feels worth like like i'd still be a virgin it's a long tagline. That's really funny. Yeah, exactly. For me, it's, for me, it's one of those things where like, it's extremely old fashioned sex is very, like sex is very much tied to emotion, which is not a great approach for like society in general.

Like people should be allowed to be able to have sex without like investing in it emotionally. Like, but, um, but yeah, I don't, you know, my girlfriend,

my current girlfriend, who's absolutely wonderful. Like we didn't sit together for a very long time until like we had, we, at some point I think she was like, what's going on here. How are we talking six months? We're talking six months,

baby. But, but to be fair i was on tour for uh for like three of those months so you're fucking other people that's good no but i dated i date i was like we weren't together yet and i had date gone on dates with some other people but those even those other people were like what's going on like you're like're, like, because I was in London, and I was doing shows in other places, and I went on a couple of dates in London with, like, with this girl, and she was like, like, why, you know, is something wrong with me? And I was like, no, no, no, it's just a long,

complicated something that's wrong with me, you know? Like, so it's a very... I know what you mean i was i've never been a super big casual i once went during i was single for a long time i remember one date we were at like a bar we were eating dinner drinking and finally she got so fed up she put my hand on her leg and was like there you go there you go like she was teaching me how to move to the next level because i was just but i don't know if it's because – I just think I was very much like, not until there's a clear sign, clear sign, not until she picks up my hand and puts it there herself. Yeah. sound like whatever but it makes you realize how badly women are treated in general because there

are a couple of women i've met who are like do you want to sleep with me because you're very nice to me and i'm like oh no i have no i do not view you as a sexual object in any sort of way because i'm sure they like that oh yeah absolutely for me like it's a it's one of those things where like i've never said this out loud but i've always like thought of it as sort of like a blood type. Like sometimes I'll see someone who's like so gorgeous and I'll be like, that's great, but that's not my blood type. Like my blood type is like, you know, is like a little bit cold and someone who I've gotten to know over like many years and they were friends. And then I'm like, hey, listen, let's you know like like this is a thing and so there's like i don't know like it's or by the way i've had a couple of like i've had a couple of

like shorter things with with people who i hadn't known for that long but like they were things were right away i was comfortable and they're both on like the same wavelength and it was very like um clear like orthodox judaism makes you grow up in a very different way and like and like sexual like i have friends who are my age who are virgins like i have friends who are 32 who are not married and they're virgins and like i don't think it gives them after a while i needed to get rid of it it felt like a backpack i was carrying everywhere i was like i don't think it gives them after a while i needed to get rid of it it felt like a backpack i was carrying everywhere i was like i need to get rid of how old were you if you don't mind me asking did you 23 and was 23 or 24 i can't remember was the person you lost it with a virgin as well or no no no this person was this person had that we started with the sex swing my

first time i'm not saying no in any judgment but i think she was like divorced like i think oh wow okay like a like like had had gone around gone around the emotional emotional roller coaster a couple of times i if there's one regret i have my first i mean it's not a regret it's not you can't control these things my first i was not her first and there's sometimes i'm like oh that's that seems really nice that people's firsts are together that seems i mean maybe it's terrible look i've never for me it's the sort of beggars choosers paradox I'm not gonna be like well the person was was not super nice to me but they're like that's that is okay we are like I'm on good terms with like pretty much everyone

I've ever dated with one I'm gonna really good terms with everyone I've ever dated everyone I say that and I go, everyone? I mean, there's one person who doesn't like me, but we didn't date. We had like a thing where I was like not into it and I think let them know. But like there was anyone, I've only been in like four four or five relationships period and

all of those people are like lovely people who i can still call wait so you're first you're 23 they are a divorcee they have they have slept around the world were you i know i'm joking i'm joking i'm joking they're'm joking, I'm joking. They're very nice. They're just not raised orthodox. I lost mine at 18. Russell, you've never said the age. You don't have to if you don't want to.

You could lie if you want. I will say it was around college. Okay. Great. Trying to protect the innocent. Protect the innocent. Were you stressed? Did you feel capable?

Did you know what you were doing? I mean, I think people, it's not that hard to figure it out after a couple times, but the first go-round could be tough. Oh, there was a time when I was in college that i wanted to but couldn't there's a time that i really wanted to but couldn't and also i had never i couldn't make it work and i was like oh it's broken like sure sure i i never heard of that i never heard of it not because there was no sex like i never heard of it like not working i was was like – It's so much pressure the first time.

Like you're like – you build it up in your mind and you've never done it. And it really is like a lot of pressure. I feel like – That's what happened to me. This is why I think I'm Jewish emotionally where this is what – this is my first person. The first couple times, I finished too fast, and I could tell she was annoyed, and then like that. Couldn't. Couldn't.

Stopped working. And I freaked out. I was fucking 18. It compounds everything. And I wasn't in therapy. I didn't understand anxiety. And I went. It was so awkward.

I had to get my mom to make me see a urologist and he told me he said you need what you need is a new girlfriend which is very

doctors should not say that you can't doctors should not say that but that's what he said I told him all my problems and he said what you need is a new girlfriend

no he's wrong well i disagree i think he was right but i still don't think a doctor should it was for different reasons not just for sex uh but complicated and terrifying and and young people in particular it's like it's one of those things where i don't know it's so funny though because sometimes i've been in relationships with my girlfriend and be like do you want to sleep with that person and i can't explain to like out of jealousy they'll be like do you want to sleep with that person i can't explain like no that's not how this like it's one in every thousand people ten thousand people that i could even possibly think of like making it work with.

Like, no, I, I can't sleep with that person. Like it won't, it wouldn't work for me. Like I have this thing where no, like,

no, it's not going to happen. So, but you can't, I can't be like, sweetie, you're the only person that I'm attracted to for this, for this window of time.

It's not the most romantic thing to say to somebody. So how do you look on it now? I mean, the way you view sex and formed, obviously, by being raised Orthodox, if you have kids, do you want them to be a part of this? I want them to have a healthier upbringing around sex. I didn't have sex with also i had a horrific fear of stds which i never never got one i got tested at the beginning of this relationship just to check and the doctor was like you have nothing he's like the stuff that

like 80 of people have like you don't have that like if you told me you have hpv nothing he's like i wouldn't believe that you have never had sex before he's like he's like you have a couple of like you might be at like slightly higher risk for kidney stones because of like x y or z but he's like you have legitimately he's like i love this doctor's like are you an orthodox jew because literally like we sent back your you sent your test it came back amish like you're he's like blowing dust off your sample like yeah yeah there is nothing nothing has touched this he's like hey uh we looked at your uh we look at your at your test and it is very into dend and Dragons. Like this has never.

What is, I don't know. I want my kids to be raised with a healthy mindset around sex. I want them to be able to enjoy sex. I want them to, it's so weird to be like my hypothetical kids. I want to, this is how I want them to think about fucking. But like- Well, that's what's hard.

We're so, our whole society is repressed. And I, I think it's very hard to carve out a healthy sexual attitude within a government societal framework. That's unhealthy. It's just, I will say that. I think that there are certain things that I'm glad that I've,

I mean, like I've protected myself in some ways emotionally which is that you know I haven't slept with people that would eventually hurt me but that's like maybe I shouldn't have attached too much meaning to that

my theory is just sex is such a vile sinful act and if you're really attracted to someone your attraction overcomes the disgusting nature of what you're doing. So, like, I just remember, like, I remember once I made out with someone in high school. And, like, we were just doing it to, like, do it. We were just hanging out.

We were bored. And I just remember, like, we were just eating Chinese food. And I can still smell the Kung Pao chicken on her breath. And it's not that I haven't made out with women who just ate Kung Pao chicken, but I wasn't into it, and so I wasn't attracted enough to overcome that smell. So that's all it was to me was this ugh. It's all so complicated. It really is. complicated like it really is like it's a and a lot of the blame is around um how the sex is contextualized for young people and also the bad actors who not bad actors in like you

know like uh gary bucey i mean just like bad actors like people who who do bad of course people do bad things like you know i i just don't know if like there there are times that look i don't have any religious uh values per se but there's times that i'm like well i get why there was this like just find one person it makes everything more easier like there's this idea that well we've we've solved it at least our generation we're like well we're going to be poly and open and all these things and be more talking and i'm like there's going to be some problems i can't tell you the number of people i know who got into open relation they were like we're in an open relationship now and then immediately broke up or they were open but they never acted

on it and i was like well maybe maybe that's not i don't know there's just this idea that well this is right and i don't know you think religions just found did the monogamy thing because it was easy math no i i think religion i think religion did the monogamy thing because i think nuclear families were really important in a certain moment in time in a certain place and they mandated it for that security and it worked for a while and so people really invested in that like new like religions mandating nuclear family isn't just judeo-christian it's like in other other religions have also like that thing and by the way it has staying power like the nuclear family

has its faults but it's worked in many ways so like I just think that like I mean the thing about having one person is like I do feel like with my girlfriend I have like a really strong

relationship that gets stronger because like, I can sort of, uh, like I'm talking about things now that I would never have talked about six months. And by the way, there's stuff I'm not talking about that I'm like not comfortable talking about. So like, but like my, I think having one person who has your back, who you feel like a little more secure with, like there is something about, for me, for me, maybe it's just for me, the strength of that one person on that one-on-one bond is like, is very, very like reassuring and comforting. Like, I really like that about my, about my one-on-one. How long long you guys been together uh we started dating in uh like end of 2019 and but we were like official in like early

june of 2020 obviously because yeah we you know because of the pan because of the pandemic so i just i told him and i've been together a little over a year but and i know people joke about a lot but like that pandemic year i mean it counts it counts for three i mean we we spent you're like in with that just one person forever yeah yeah yeah i feel like i've been together longer than my grandparents were together i mean it's we're like an old couple you're just like hey do you wanna and they're like yeah and they're like i'll go get i'll go get yeah go get it and they're like like you're finishing each other's thoughts and and i'm 33 uh she's 30 and we have been like both she's had two grandparents die My dad had an open heart surgery. My grandpa died.

They really were at this age where like life comes at you fast and we're just there for each other's like big life things again and again and again. Let's go on to our next section. Uh, this has got to stop. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. Uh,

uh, Alex, uh, do you have a, this has got to stop for This has got to stop. Alex, do you have a this has got to stop for us? Yeah. I think what has to stop is the I don't know who needs to hear this tweets.

Anyone who ever tweets I don't know who needs to hear this, you're smug. You're not an authority. You're smug and you're, you're not an authority. You're on Twitter, which is a website that diminishes us by its very existence. And the fact that we're on it is disgraceful.

And no one has ever changed their mind because they read a, I don't know who needs to hear this tweet. And they're like, Oh my God, it was me. I needed to hear that. I should get vaccinated. Like it's just the,

my least favorite thing about, um, yeah, about us, about society in general. And I mean, this being my least favorite thing is that I think a lot of, at least in terms of like discourse stuff is that people would rather be

like, right than effective. And like, I think that this is that the, I don't know who needs to hear this tweets are the perfect encapsulation of people who would rather be right than effective. Yes. And like, I think that this is that the, I don't know who needs to hear this tweets are the perfect encapsulation of people who would rather be right than effective. Because if I ever saw like, I don't know who needs to hear this,

but like you should be eating more vegetables. Like I would never eat a vegetable ever again. Like, yeah, it just makes me so want to run in the other direction. Also like, it's never a good person. Like it's always like some gorgeous, it's always like a hot person with like, with like

31,000 followers. Like, fuck you. You don't, you're not an authority and you don't get to tell me what to do. This isn't a high school anymore. You're not cool. Like leave me alone and like tweet shame shame shameful jokes like the rest of us i don't know who needs to hear this it needs to stop there definitely is a certain degree of like it's sometimes people they don't know how to help so let's say you want more people to get

vaccinated i don't want to help those people don't want to help well i do think sometimes people maybe like it or retweet it because there's a feeling this is with all politics on twitter there's a feeling of like i don't know how to help uh maybe if i just complain or call people stupid that'll help but it's like well no it's not it's it's all just playing social media game getting likes and retweets as opposed to i think sometimes you got to sit with yourself and go like, there's nothing I can do about this right now. Or if you want to get more people vaccinated, like you got to do something real. You got to,

I don't know, work on making vaccines more accessible or fund public education. And it's a more long-term goal, but like you can't, you're not doing anything. I said one of these, and I was, you know know making it up for the joke where i was like i can't get my stepfather to get a vaccine i've tried everything i've called him a fucking idiot i've called him a moron like that none of that helps sometimes it's too late and i i think that's a lot of twitter is just like i'm gonna do something yeah you're not sure but also just

the framing of i don't know who needs to hear this yes you do know you know who your audience is you know who you're either making fun of or you're calling out or you're you know like so it's just eight words that just say whatever is going to be after the eight words do you know what i mean like it just is a framing that is that is it feels so shitty you come across and you're like oh like yeah it's that thing you're like i'm not gonna i'm not gonna ever read one of these and be like oh i did yeah i needed to hear that you know like it's just uh it's just to be right and i agree it's like i don't know who needs to hear this but the avengers is not a good move like it's never a yeah it's never an unpopular opinion it's always something that someone knows is going to do

really well with their followers and it gets tons of retweets and by the way like i am guilty everyone is guilty of pandering i was pulling up your twitter and like the last 10 tweets are i don't know who needs to hear this oh that'd be hilarious it just i think i tweeted the like that i'm angry at the i don't know who like it truly reached also i don't like when like there needs to be a list of things that people are no longer able to respond to with gifs of like in the mid 2010s people on sitcoms and by the way i worked on a sitcom that was guilty of the great outdoors right worked on the great indoors and i went to college together sean brown he was one of the stars of it right what's a funny guy amazing the great

on cbs oh the great indoors yes i i gotta we're gonna have him on the podcast he he was two years above me uh Super funny. Miami, right? My University of Miami, yeah. Yeah. Biggest mistake of my life. Really, really talented, funny dude. So sharp.

Crushed every joke he was ever given. Unbelievably consistent and thoughtful and elevated everything. Loved him. We occasionally gave a joke that was very popular, but extremely lazy. And I don't know how many of them made it in because after a while, we're like this joke is awful. But it's the word. It's the word hard pass, or the phrase hard pass where anyone's like, hard pass, like, and now I see it from smug liberals and conservatives on Twitter, when

someone tweets a thing and everyone's like or someone's like watch the new Louis C.K. special and then like whether or not you agree with that I really don't want to get into it Russell we know your views Russell you don't need to weigh in but go ahead I truly don't give a fuck but people underneath it tweeting like

hard pass hard pass it's going to be a hard pass for me on that like fuck you. You don't mind? I hate, I hate. Yikes. Yikes. Or anyone tweets like.

But why? We're all still, I'm getting dragged on Twitter right now. And a whole thing happened to me. I made a Larry David tweet. I made a Larry David tweet. It happened to go viral. People were so mad that then they looked at my pin tweet, which was my Comedy Central set, which I felt so proud of this year. And they tore it to fucking shreds.

Now it's filled with replies. Listen, I understand. But I'm getting all these messages. I'm going to do my blessing now just because it's part of this. My blessing is that one of the things, when people call me not funny, it does bother me. I can't help it. It bothers me. But you know what has never affected me?

And I kind of feel like it's a glorious part of my upbringing, being called gay. Doesn't even touch my soul. It doesn't bother me. It doesn't make me upset. Because unlike funny, I worry if I'm'm not funny sexuality is one of those things like i'm not worried at all i i whatever i'm into i'm into you calling me gay doesn't affect and it's very nice when a troll does try to come out with you with something that you really don't care about at all yeah i wish i could feel that way about being called not funny or being called a a liberal

pandery comedian i wish i wish i could feel that same security or that same i don't give a fuck as i do about being called gay yeah yeah yeah does it ever get under your skin alex you get any any any trolls i'm a little bit gay like you know you know, like I, you know, like I, I went on a couple dates with, you know, like it, it took me a while to like figure it out. Like, I'm still trying to like figure it out. I have a joke on stage where I go, if I was raised sec, because I was raised Orthodox, like, Oh, if I was raised secular in a cool place like LA or New York, I consider myself bisexual. But because I was raised Orthodox in a place like Boston, I consider myself straight with some secrets.

Like it's like, so people are always like, you're gay. And I'm like, well, I'm not gay, but I have thought about sexuality as a spectrum. Like, like I'm so annoying about that. So like no one can ever hit me with anything I haven't. And also if anyone's ever like you're not funny i was in madison wisconsin a couple weeks ago getting the show ready at comedy on state one of the best clubs in the country never been to a place i've enjoyed as much as that with a couple of i don't

know it was just a super amazing club and you know they sell the club out with any they could put a potato up there and would sell out that's how good the club out with any, they could put a potato up there and it would sell out. That's how good the club is. Cause like I was selling out shows and, and this woman comes up to me after the show and she went, hi, I just want to let you know that we didn't laugh once. Oh my God. And I was like, okay. And and she was like we thought you were not

funny and I was like okay and and and that by the way the bouncer was about to be like whoa and I was like that's okay like she you have a right to your opinion and she was like so why aren't you funny and I was like missed you were in a club with 300 other people and they were you know they were enjoying it and she just went I'm a business owner that was her a different summary she was like I'm a business owner I own three businesses and I was like okay like, like, miss, if you were, if you served 300 meals and one person was like, and 299 people were like, we love this meal. We're going to make noises throughout the meal that indicate how much we love it. And one person is like, I hate this meal. This meal is garbage.

You wouldn't, you'd be like, you know, the problem is with the person eating the meal. The problem is not the meal. Like the, yeah. Well, you said all this in the moment, you were cool, calm and with the person eating the meal. The problem is not the meal. Like the, yeah. You said all this at the moment, you were cool, calm and collected enough. I was cool. I actually said, I said, have you heard of picnic? And she said, what's picnic? I went, it's a tech term. It means problem in chair, not in computer. I was like, the problem is in the chair. It's not with the comedian.

I was like problem in chair, not in comedian. I was like, I was like, I appreciate you coming to the show. and i she told me it was a whole conversation she was like my favorite comics are i'm gonna type it because i don't want to cast any aspersion on really funny comedians this woman is is so evil that that that whoever she likes is bad. Okay, well, that second one, everyone says, you know, I mean. They're different comedians. Okay. They're different comedians. And I was like, and here's the crazy thing.

She went, well, we saw you on YouTube and we didn't think any of those were funny. But we thought maybe you were good at this. And I was like, well, this is a thousand percent your fault. Like you came to see like a thoughtful Jewish boy when you like like edgy racism. Like you're going to fucking hate the show. It's like you got to – because sometimes I get these – you know, they'll say, you know, you suck at comedy. Or like sometimes you get these long ones.

Someone's like, you can tell you're inexperienced. You need to work the road a couple years. And when you get to, you want to be like, hey, come see me. That's where I get so angry. I'm filled with rage. And I'm like, come see me. I'm like, come see me at the comedy cellar tonight, you motherfucker. But you got to deal with that kind of internet, bald, you funny in person it was a yeah it was a you

know and also like i i said to her i was like you fully have the right to express this opinion i was like you fully you are absolutely entitled to do this just so you know i was like this is a thousand percent i was like but i was like i do think it's a problem with you i was like this is because also by the way there's a french term called like the spirit of the staircase have you heard of that no no spirit of the staircase i'm i'll tell you this i'll be replying to all these trolls picnic and when they say sorry, it's a term we use in the tech world. Le spirit de l'escalier. Le spirit de l'escalier is a French term used in English

for the predicament of thinking of the perfect reply too late. English speakers sometimes call this escalator wit or staircase wit. After wit is a synonym with forewit as an antonym, which is when you think of a perfect argument like 10 minutes after a argument is finished. You will find that after you've gotten 25 compliments, it's much easier to handle one person being like,

you suck. You're like, well, there's a lot of people behind you waiting to compliment me, so tell me how much I suck, and I'm going to immediately... I wish my ratio was that nice, but right now it's... Oh, it's the club. It But right now... It's the club.

If you perform a comedy on state in Madison, it's truly the greatest. That and Comedy Works in Denver are really fucking solid clubs. Any other clubs that haven't booked me yet, please send me a full list. Let's

move to our final section. You better count your blessings. You better count your blessings. Russell, do you have a blessing? A quick one you want to give us? Yeah, quick one. So I was exposed a week ago to COVID, testing negative still.

But what I'm thankful for is that when I went to this event that I was exposed at, I saw this man and he seemed kind of chaotic and I just didn't really trust him. And it made me take a lot more precautions at the event. And I feel like I know a bunch of other people out there that got COVID. And I was double masked. And I was like, no, it was just one of those things where I saw this guy. And I was like, he seems, he just had a wild kind of chaotic energy. And I was like, I'm thankful for him now. Because I was like, maybe I'll be more casual. And then I was like, nope, double mask and keeping my distance from people.

And because that man kind of scared me. So I'm thankful for him tonight to be still yeah um okay my blessing i mean other than being comfortable with being called gay uh i just got booked uh uh so i'll just use it i i'm gonna be at the comedy cellar las vegas uh next next uh next year. And, you know, it just feels, it's going to be March 21st to March 27th, if you're around. But it just feels good.

I feel happy. Very scary starting to work at the cellar, of course. And, you know, I have felt appreciated and still getting spots and coming towards the end of the year. I'm very happy about that. And of course, an extra one for Tova,

who, who, who has let me perform at the cellar for our anniversary and many other dates that a good human being would probably turn down. So thank you, Tova. That's so funny. That's so great.

And do you have a blessing to see us off, Alex? I keep a list on my fridge. Are you serious? Oh. Yeah, I do. I keep a list. That's lovely. Grateful for. One second. Let's see. There's Gary Goleman, by the way. I'm grateful for Gary.

Grateful because. Family. Gary. Um, uh, grateful because it's a, uh, family. I have a family general health for now. Great. Um, up girlfriends coming here soon. That needs to be canceled because of COVID.

Um, uh, my cherry lane run that. You gotta make, you gotta edit this gratefulness. Yeah. Yeah. I got it. This is from four days ago. Um, uh, my cherry lane run that you gotta edit this gratefulness. Yeah. Yeah. I got it. This is from four days ago. Um, well, my run is, you know what? My run is being postponed as opposed to cancel, which is great. Cause my friends were jagged a little pill, like they're fucked. It's over. But my cherry lane run is resuming and we have like good reviews and people have been nice about it. So I have, who love me um my brain works correctly um even if everything's a little bit weird up there

and uh the last thing on the list is i can always change so that's great i like that one i can always change and yeah and the bottom i've scratched lots of books in apartments right now exclamation point so i have a lot of books in apartments right now, exclamation point. So I have a lot of books I haven't read. So I'm grateful for the, for all the sappy shit that I just said. And also the books that I haven't read. Very good.

Well, as we wrap up, is there anything you want to plug? Yeah. This run of shows. The show is really, I'm really proud of it. It's called just for us. I did it in Melbourne and London and Edinburgh and at Just For Laughs in Montreal.

And now it's doing a run in New York that's being produced by Microbiglia. And we opened very strong and all the shows were sold out. And now we are taking a long break out of it, out of an abundance of caution, which is so sad, but also like super necessary. And we're going to come back January 24th and run through February 19th at the Cherry Lane theater, which is the most adorable theater.

And both of you guys have to come and hopefully everyone listening will come in. Tickets are in my like social media sites all over. So are those tickets on sale now? The new ones? Tickets are on sale. Justforusshow.com or my website, alexhedelmancomedy.com

but yeah. Great. And Russell, we don't have any there's no Uncle Function dates, but Uncle Function our sketch team. Yes, there are. February. The second Friday of every month, right? Yes, second Friday of every month in February at Asylum at NYC. february 11th for show

and uh for me uh i will be headlining city steam brewery january 7th and 8th uh those are the ones to be on the lookout for um but just remember even though all these dates are nice and fun god knows what the next letter is in the Greek alphabet that will come to ruin all our plans and our lives. Come on, man. This is the downside. One, two, three. Downside.

Downside. Downside. Downside. Downside.