The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #6 Jay Jurden

Episode Date: April 13, 2021

On what was supposed to be the first episode of The Downside, my co-host's wife was in a room with someone who had coronavirus so he couldn't join, which felt fitting given the "theme" of this "podcast". Thank god my guest was stand-up comedian/friend JAY JURDEN. We talked the downsides of growing up in Mississippi, being in a throuple, and the only person I would let eat my @ss. Are you allowed to be graphic in these podcast episode descriptions? We'll see! Follow JAY JURDEN on twitter, instagram, & tiktok Watch JAY JURDEN's Tonight Show set JAY JURDEN shirtless Wondering where episode #5 is? It's on the Patreon! Join The Downside Patreon for ad-free and bonus episodes on the 1st and 15th of every month. This month we have The Downside of Funerals (4/1) and The Downside of Celebrity Encounters (4/15). Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show (and suggest your own 'This Has Gotta Stop') at [e-mail] Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, this is Joe Marco Cerezi. Today's episode is a special episode. It's not, no, it's more of a less, it's a not special episode. What happened was, when this podcast began, we set our first recording date and we had my good friend, stand-up comedian, Jay Jordan. But then Russell, the couple days before, his wife was in a room with someone with coronavirus and got contact traced. And even though he had had it like a month before and there were antibodies, we just played it safe. And so this is technically the real first episode of The Downside. But later I was like, you know, we should do it with Russell as the first one, get people used to it. I don't know. You know, I shouldn't put this out.

This is a mistake for me to do. You should wait a year before you release, you know, a quote unquote special episode where really you're just recording some shit you couldn't use before. recording some shit you couldn't use before. But the problem is, Jay and I talk about vaccines and coronavirus, and I'm just, I'm worried that coronavirus is going away too fast. And, you know, it's,

we just gotta get it out now, so give me a fucking break. It's still funny, and everything makes sense. So this is Jay Jordan, stand-up comedian Jay Jordan, and that's why Russell is not there. Russell is fine. He is vaccinated, and we're going to be back next Tuesday with a very special guest. I'm very excited. Of course, he could cancel, and I could regret this immensely.

It's all good. I'm doing my best here. Also, join the Patreon. I don't think I have any subscribers yet. But I shouldn't ask for more money when I'm putting out this shit. So listen, this is fun. Don't get me wrong. This is my brand to shit on things. This is a fun episode.

You're going to enjoy it. So please enjoy me and the fantastic Jay Jordan, The Downside. One, two, three. Downside. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi. Hello, everyone.

Welcome to, I think this is the first episode of The Downside with Gianmarco Ceresi. A perfect way to start the podcast. Normally, I would have a co-host, my friend Russell Daniels. But his wife was reached out by, first time I've heard about this, reached out by a contact tracer. Said she was in a space with someone with COVID. So we're not going to be together right now. And, you know, it's really, you know, you see coronavirus on the news all the time. now and you know it's uh it's really you know you see coronavirus on the news all the time but when it really affects you personally when it takes out the co-host for the premiere episode of your

podcast you're like damn i think this shit is serious i am very fortunate though because uh my my first guest is also a good friend of mine and will help pull the load. Welcome to my buddy, stand-up comedian, actor. You've seen him on the, let's see how many of your credits I know. You've seen him on the Tonight Show. I almost said Jay Leno. Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. You've seen him on Comedy Central.

You've seen him on HBO. What's the, it's drugs. High, up, high maintenance, high maintenance. Thank you. Please welcome my guest today, good buddy, Mr. Jay Jordan. Welcome, Jay. Yay, thank you. Only a little bit of charades to get that final HBO credit, which much to their credit, the residuals have been coming in. I'm very excited for that. I think I've got like five residual checks that were forwarded from my old apartment to my new apartment since 2021 started. So thank you, HBO and high maintenance, even though the show is canceled.

Yes. Do you think it's your fault? No, because my episode was just nominated for a WGA award. Your episode specifically? in high maintenance, even though the show is canceled. Yes, do you think it's your fault? No, because my episode was just nominated for a WGA award. Your episode specifically? So it definitely wasn't my fault, yeah. Oh my God. Well, that makes me feel like shit.

So look, Jay, this is a celebration of negativity. So I guess I should start it with, how are you? I'm doing okay. I am very much in the middle, kind of vacillating between the very personal and small things that are going all right and the big national things that are going terrible. Like America or the world? See, you say that, and I'm selfish enough to say I just want the vaccine, and America's incompetence is stopping me from getting

it fast enough now do you think you're going to okay someone reached out to me and they told me they said hey i work at a homeless shelter occasionally and now to be fair to them they did this already oh okay because they work at a homeless shelter, they're allowed to get the vaccine early. And they said to me, they said, you know, you could just work there for one lunch shift and get the vaccine. And, you know, I decided no, because I don't want to help the homeless even for an hour. I felt like, I don't don't it felt icky um i i am lucky i'm a healthy boy i do think if i had like some health issues i would totally do it so i don't feel very judgy of people conning the system because it's so flawed are you not you're not in a protected group no i'm a stand-up comedian i i'm pretty healthy i uh you know i have i had a friend i had a friend she works at

a restaurant and she posted a picture of her getting the vaccine and i guess people were giving her flack and but then you see articles about you know the fact someone left a case on the side of the road and it went bad and And you're like, fucking just inject it into whoever is there. I want the Hooters girls to get the vaccine. Most definitely. They deal with a lot of anti-maskers probably. Oh, yes. Hooters specifically.

You could get it as a personal trainer. There was a woman in L.A. She was in her 50s and she got in a lot of trouble. Maybe you saw this. She was a soul cycle instructor oh i i saw the article i am good twitter friends with the person who revealed that soul cycle instructors were getting like getting the vaccine alex when he tweeted about it she uh alex they're the one who busted them well he was the person that made it kind of blow up on gay twitter and everyone was like are you

are you serious and i was like i believe that i definitely believe that if someone who works in the fitness industry has the ability to get the vaccine they're gonna do it sure but i think it's fine i mean they're teaching they're doing shit their jobs put them at risk and so i feel fine i don't know do we want to be honest with the podcast and also let people know that you have a vested interest in people that teach cycling classes because you are related to one or do we just want to forego no no there you go i was so scared i was like what the fuck are you about to say and i was like oh my sister yeah fuck my sister my sister uh, she is a dancer in LA, which is a polite way of saying

she's a SoulCycle instructor. Not a SoulCycle. She's been doing... No, I love her very much. And I'm very proud of her. She started teaching spin on the beach. It's on, it's in, you know, it's even me, my cold, hard soul,

I couldn't help but look at the sunset as I'm cycling and going like this is the most beautiful it's the most beautiful thing you could see and you were a dummy you came back i came back i came back i should have stayed in la um but you know i wanted to bring some covid back from there to new york city how are you doing dummy i'm so happy that i'm fucking terrible this is the first episode of my podcast i have done so much work i have i have a lay How are you doing, dummy? I'm fucking terrible. I'm fucking terrible. This is the first episode of my podcast. I have done so much work.

I have a lathe here. I have a producer. And my co-host calls me an hour before. And he says, you know, a contact tracer. I've had no one. You know, I've heard about contact tracers in South Korea. I've rarely heard about it here. And his wife was reached out she was she was in a room with someone who had covid and even though they had covid and

they had the antibodies they uh uh you know he's worried he's a carrier because none of us fucking know everything's so confusing you have that you you know you can have the antibodies but you could still be a carrier no one really knows any of this shit i would have just risked it i would have said sure just come over but we have my producer here i'm sure my producer didn't give a fuck we're all so tired of fucking everything i'm i'm sharing hummus with strangers at this point i'm ready to get back to life but uh and of course i thought we could do it on zoom but he doesn't have a fucking mic so it's a very you know i don't know you saw the fire festival documentary right yes anyone who creates anything watch that and like every project i've ever done i get how the fire festival

happened step by step by step i've been there and it's just like this podcast like i have an image we we heard earlier i have a song the only thing i don't have is the thing itself. And so I am out here and like building this up. I'm telling people about my podcast. That's like the entire premise of a lot of entertainment based things. Exactly. Have you ever told someone you're like, oh yeah, I'm thinking of this great idea and you have everything around. You have a lot of accoutoutrement but you have yet to deliver on the actual thing like it's a sandwich without any meat and that's like what you have to do because

because the way the industry works you have to pitch things all the time i have like sitcom ideas that you know i could i could pitch the fuck out of it and i have no idea what the second scene is like like you know when i sit down i'm like, fuck. And that's why you see the Fyre Festival. And I'm like, oh, I see how this happened. I don't know. I didn't say this before. This podcast is actually being co-produced by Ja Rule. And, you know, we have a lot of plans. But, like, I get it.

Every concert, every, I'm sure, Lollapalooza or Woodstock were all Fyre Festivals that just, you know, happened to come together. I'm sure people were sucking dick to get water to people for so many concerts. This is just the first time we heard about it. Bonnaroo is still like that. People complain about Bonnaroo recently. They're like, where do I pee? And everyone in Tennessee is like, the woods? Do you go to music festivals? They're nightmares to me. No, I civilized i have i'm in a two bedroom and one of the bedrooms is an office do i look like a person who goes to music festivals now and like i would go i went to one i went to one the only upside i saw it was like narls barkley was there and this is before he slipped ecstasy in a woman's drink so it's okay to enjoy him

and uh it was red hot chili pepper he's still on tv how is he still on silo silo green uh silo green's lawyers please don't come for this initial episode of the podcast alleged do i have to say alleged alleged alleged alleged so it was him red hot chili peppers the who but it was so crowded it was and i was with everyone was on oxy oxycon except for me like that they weren't on oxy they were on molly they're on molly they would listen this was a friend of mine she was on oxy oxycon except for me like that they weren't on oxy they were on molly they're on molly they would listen this was a friend of mine she was on whatever was in the bottle this is someone who just put pills into their mouth it blows my mind no one was taking back medication that they prescribed to like coal miners in west virginia at a concert i could never i i have ambien prescribed ambien and i break the

pill it's 10 milligrams which is like a reasonable amount but i will break the pill because i'm scared of the 10 milligrams so i will like break this tiny pill to take three milligrams of ambien and i'm scared that's how i'm gonna die do you have to tie yourself down so you don't sleepwalk and stuff no thank god i've heard some scary stories but i don't think i'm a sleepwalker i'm dating someone with night terrors and let me tell you let me tell you marco that's a terrible thing to call when you guys have sex it is i'm not a good sleeper to begin with and like here's how it goes right now she goes to sleep earlier than me she falls asleep more easily and I have to read to go to sleep so I'm reading

he means Twitter everyone he's not talking about books I'm reading I am I check it every two pages so she's sleeping like this and then I'm just reading and she just goes and at this point I don't even look at her I just go it's fine it's fine it's fine it's okay's okay. And so she'll stand up all the way. She'll go, Oh my God. And I'm, and, and it's, it's very traumatizing. And the thing is she doesn't

remember any of it. And I think that she's doing it more than I even know she's doing it, but it happens when I'm asleep too. I don't remember it. i wake up in the morning i slept for nine hours i feel like fucking shit and i bet it's because she's waking up every 30 minutes and she told me last night she was like i'm so sorry i she said i'm so sorry i screamed at you because my earrings fell off the nightstand and i had no idea what she was talking about so it must mean she screamed at me i woke up i don't remember it and i'm only getting 30 minutes of sleep with this woman and there's there's a little bit of snoring there's a lot of sleep problems going on and i didn't come to the table with a good sleep pattern to begin with do you snore i don't think so what do i need to ask like the world

i can't ask you you're not a verified source no that. You can ask her, but if she dares to complain about my snoring? If she dares. Getting ready to text right now. Wait, are you and your partner? Is that the term you use, boyfriend or partner? Boyfriend sounds juvenile, but partner sounds law for me. So, you know. See, partner to me sounds like you do Molly on the weekends. Partner to me sounds like uh you do molly on the weekends

partner to me sounds like you do orgies as well oh that used to be the case not full-on orgies i mean sort of what's your orgy number what's the what's the is it after five when it's after four people it's a foursome i'm a regular person i don't have an orgy number okay if i if i if somehow i was in a room with three other people having sex that's that's an orgy i'm not like oh this isn't quite an orgy needs to be five foursome though get the fuck out of here no it's a force what's what's the biggest orgy you've ever been what's the biggest what's the okay let's see um like full-on like knowing like group funny funny stuff was happening penetration but like how in there like a room i've seen 10 people i've seen a room where like people started hooking up and then you're like a lot of people in there and then you go inside to check and see

what's happening and then you're you're you're in at that point if you poke your head in and say what's going on here that's how it works i could see poking my head in you poke your head and you're in at that point. If you poke your head in and say, what's going on here? That's how it works? I could see poking my head in. You poke your head and you're like, oh, I guess I'm joining in this. Would you leave though? I poke my head, oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

You're like, oh, hello? Room for one more? Well, if it's your room. I don't, I truly, you're talking like from a different planet than the life that I live. If I walked in my room and there were two people having sex, that means someone broke into my apartment um okay so so let's get to normally uh i would then get to my special guest you're my guest i've been using you

as an example for when i pitched this podcast to people you grew up now forgive me it's mississippi correct yes yes i grew up in mississippi so i say my idea was like i would go to you and i say you know this podcast called the downside and i would say okay jay jordan you're a uh what are are there any downsides to growing up as a bisexual black man in mississippi and i'm left-handed uh you're left-handed yeah they're they're a couple I can think of a few I think the biggest downside to growing up in Mississippi for anyone is that whenever you leave people constantly remind you that you came from a racist place Mississippi is a placeholder for the racism that everyone else doesn't think exists in their state because new york has its own mississippi and alabama it's long island like in satin island so it's very what's the stereotype

is is alabama to me in my mind i guess like mississippi is more racist alabama's more incest-y no i i would argue that mississippi and alabama because there's no clear geographical marker between the two like the state line on the eastern side of mississippi and the western side of alabama is imaginary it's like not there's not a river so culturally there's a lot of intermixing i would say that alabama has has a few like things over mississippi like they have two bigger cities they are seen as like a football powerhouse they have a couple of things that make people go oh okay so alabama is definitely like 48 47 whereas people instantly put mississippi in that 49 50 slot sure sure so like what is it obnoxious do you get to a point you're like stop making us a punching yeah because i want to use

those jokes so i'm selfish but then sure sure it's primarily when people don't extrapolate that towards the rest of the country. Because Mississippi is like the home of the blues. So then technically it's like the grandfather of like rock and roll and all kind of pop music variants that are popular now. Mississippi is the birthplace of Oprah and Brandi Norwood. And I don't it's like a it's a it's a fun place to make fun of. It's a funny word. It helps people instantly cue in on like what racism is

But when people tell you that Mississippi is racist and you're black and queer you're like, yeah, but so like yeah It's unlike here it's racist there and it's like Like oh you must be so happy to be out of Mississippi the racism down there must be so pronounced and i'm like y'all pronounce it just fine up here and just the fact that they're saying it to you is just like more racism just like i'm sure you're happy to be here aren't you aren't you black guy must be nice to be out of the south what part of mississippi we're in mississippi i'm from jackson so right outside of jackson i was uh i was born and raised in canton which is 19 minutes north of jackson but i went to school everything i did happened in jackson so what sucks about jackson oh it is a pmmy lee jones's face it's just so uneven that people would destroy

their like undercarriage and their suspension of their vehicles if you drive fast in like downtown jackson also jackson has this weird like combination problem where like at one point our mayor, this is so scary and funny and sad. At one point our mayor used to have like, not a current mayor, this mayor passed away. But before he died, he had like a clubhouse that young men would just be in. And like, it was never talked about enough to me. Like when I was in middle

school in high school people would go to this guy who would eventually become our mayor's house and everyone was like why did y'all go over that old dude's house and they're like he's got all these video games he's got these basketball courts i was like you mean bait like did anything come out did any like accusations or anything no it was all like so it was because whenever you say that about like a man trying to uplift black kids in like an urban community, people are like, you can't do anything for these kids. But then part of me is also like, yeah, but like maybe like hire a staff that like does stuff for them. Don't have them come to your house then. So wait, was the mayor, this future mayor, was he white or black?

He was black. He was black and then then having it was mostly black younger yeah yeah yeah i i see that i see sure sure so that was like a downside oh one other kind of downside now is that jackson doesn't have anything like it's a capital city that lacks like a proper mall there's no uh airport in, like, in the city. And airports a lot of times get placed right outside of cities, but, like, it doesn't have anything. It, like, anything you want to do in Jackson is technically right outside of Jackson. So, okay, so that's a more accurate thing. People would say, hey, oh, you must be glad to be out of Mississippi so you have a mall to go to.

That would be, like, a real real now okay well let's let's talk about the racism uh specific was there is there something that's more uniquely racist there than it is in new york uh yeah i would say that there is a level of just acceptance from white people. White people in New York are very aware, not only of black people, but different kinds of black people. Where in the South, it's just like, number one, black. Number two, okay, so this is what I want to eat.

Like it's not- Sure, sure. Do you ever go places where like, you feel like the fact that you're bi is more prominent in the way people treat you as opposed to places where you're you're black like if you go in a room where like like do you feel like people care that you're gay when you're in mississippi are they more looking at you like you're a black man one time my boyfriend's family and i went to a water park in alabama and i would this was like before i wore speedos a lot but i was wearing like shorter red swimming trunks we should clarify now you wear speedos at least every night based on your photos a lot of

speedo photo shoots you have a speedo picture too uh online like it was a sketch and there was a guy who asked if i would uh if what he would have to pay for me to send it to him john marco i don't ever want people to let you off the hook with stuff like that because you have a very i something it's true i i do think i have a i've i i five it's the humorous thirst trap like i'm like it's not a thirst trap because it's clearly a joke yes i'm naked in it yes i'm flexing as hard as i possibly can but that's for comedic effect there is uh so i was wearing like oh they probably weren't even as short as like the famous daniel craig like trunks but i was wearing like red shorter swimming trunks at this water park and my boyfriend and his sister her husband his dad his dad's girlfriend uh his nieces and nephews and myself we're all at this water park and

we just were like having fun and at one point one of the lifeguards came up to me and my boyfriend and they're like hey this is like a family park and I like never tell people about it cuz I'm always like how do I like address this and what was so funny to me is I was like yeah tell that to like the 30 year old couple fingering each other on the lazy river like don't come up to me and my boyfriend who are being very respectful because we're with his family sure and be like this is a family part and so like that's one of the instances where like when you are noticeably queer Like comes in the play So that happened in Alabama being bi gay queer in Mississippi I haven't run into it as much because I left in I mean I left the South in 2015

So whenever I go back, it's for very short periods of time. So I haven't had to deal with anything crazy I think one time I was at a gym and Someone like looked at me and i could tell they were like trying to figure out what was going on but then this is always the kicker but then i was like oh is this bigotry or are they signaling something to me what were they signaling what do you mean like uh kind of like an unofficial like what's up like when people kind of cruise sometimes when southern people cruise especially like southern redneck like country dudes like you can't tell if they want to like beat it up or beat

you up like it's very like that's that feels very stressful that feels so yeah what are you talking about yeah have you seen angels in amer Yeah, when people aren't like- But like, when do you finally get the reveal? Do you need to go, you know, behind a bush with them and that's when you find out for sure? Bushes, where do you think this is? The 80s? You go to the steam room.

Sure. I was with Sam Morrison and Ian Fidance walked by. We were just talking about how like, Ian was saying like with a gay man, you could make eye contact and like, you could tell within the linger of the eye contact, like immediately like, sure, I'm interested. Which is wild, which is wild to me.

To you. Sure, but that seems like a much, that seems like a much safer way to assess very quickly. In New York, that can happen. In New York, in certain clubs, that can happen. Maybe in certain neighborhoods, that can happen. But it's still not like an everywhere throughout the city thing that can happen. But Mississippi, that's not...

No, I mean, I've definitely seen some cuties in Walmart, but that's just... Is it enjoyable have you been with anyone where they're like they're clearly very closeted or like there's they're angry about it is there so have you been there was one guy that i remember like hooking up with and it was like interesting because it was very like, yeah, bro. Like it was like the more kind of like, yeah, bro. Like the voice, like voice placement. Like, oh yeah, this is so nice.

Like, oh yeah, this is like, I'm like really cool. I know I'm like not really down to like top today. So like you can do whatever. Like that sort of like energy. Yeah. You'll meet those people throughout your gay trajectory whether you're in a relationship or not and then you'll be like oh i see what's going on here cool you know sure sure i also think in that example like you see what's going on because they were like yeah i'm not down

the top today it's like well they seem to spell it out pretty clearly right there clearly those but the i mean i think that because we are starting to understand that kind of like gendered performance affects everyone in a myriad of ways that there are a lot of guys whose manliness is rooted in other people's perception of it but the minute a door closes they're down to be a more submissive sexual partner sure sure i'm yeah not like some guys like getting beat up by their girlfriend's night terrors and they sure yeah that's what i'm into that's what i'm into baby i was gonna be like baby sleep, which sounds creepy, but it's not because I'm just jerking off from the other side of the room. Oh, my God. That's gross.

All right. I want to, I very much want to talk about because you, you are, and you tell me, I'm pretty sure you talk about these things. You're in a relationship. Yes. But you're also in a, what would you call it? A throuple. A throuple. You call it a throuple a throuple you call it a throuple now

i've heard about all the ways it works and it's great and good for fucking you i want to hear i want to hear the as as the podcast says i try not to say it 10 times say it what are the downsides of a throuple because from my perspective as as a straight man who i feel like in general in general i i'm with women where the the thought of an open relationship or a throuple okay out of the question don't take a breath jean-marco after you say as a straight man i'm usually with women who like don't what do you do as a straight man who has only been with one i the the idea i don't think i don't know if i'll ever be in a relationship with another woman where a throuple or anything that you're doing will be even even if to bring it up would probably mean the end of the relationship

period so i've heard all the good things your life seems really great you're you you don't count for people as an orgy like that's a foursome i want to know what are the downsides to uh having a throuple or having an open relationship that has now become a throuple that's spilled spill the shit stuff because i'm jealous so the downside is now when you go from being like in an open relationship to being like in a closed throuple now i do have two people's hearts i guess feelings that i'm responsible for so there is a lot of emotional management on my part and everyone else's part because it's a very equilateral well maybe it's isosceles obtuse i have a primary partner and then the newer partner isn't secondary but he's newer um and now is he is is he closed with you or is

he hooking up with other people it's close everyone's close it's covid everyone's close sure but what about when it's done it's gonna reopen back up no no no no okay let me ask you this let me look i got i got some questions so uh uh we can censor names after but but garrison i can say garrison right yeah so garrison uh he and this your other partner they they get along yeah but do they have sexual relations yes without you yeah that was a big part of it when i was on tour almost like all of 2019 yes are you so you are you are you this are you the center of this or is it truly and because i just i and maybe it's just because i know you and i get it from you i just i always feel like you're the nucleus of it and that's impossible for the triangles don't

have a center if you're asking if i'm well the person you have a center to be fair jay i don't know what the fuck math you took triangles do have a center. To be fair, Jay, I don't know what the fuck math you took. Triangles do have a center, but go ahead. Where's the center of a triangle? It's in the center of it. Oh, really? No, I understand what you're saying. There's no point that's a center, but go ahead. I mean, okay, so you just said nucleus,

but nucleus is made up of neutrons and protons baby you're losing me quick and then there's electrons that orbit around it so are these partners your electrons or is it truly even you really truly feel it's even i feel like nothing can ever be even but if i've been with garrison for nine years it'll be 10 years sure this november and brian is it hasn't been that amount of time everything was like handled around 2019 that it was like let's you know let's like lock this down so that that is uneven and chronologically it's uneven So there's no way to pretend like it won't be. But as far as attention to detail and the amount of reciprocity and energy that we all attempt to give each other right now, it's pretty even. And I like it in part because it's kind of like breaking another rule. And I get two gifts gifts they both have amazing

jobs oh boy okay okay but but i think the problem is so much of society oh are you thinking about like reservations at restaurants no it's like table for three table for two which are you gonna bring but i just mean like so many elements of like like one of the reasons you know correct me if i'm wrong but like uh uh that that gay marriage was so important was because like so many systems in our government are built around marriage i think it's shitty because i have problems with marriage period but so many uh infrastructures uh the stimulus bills you know uh everything is based on this idea like we want you to get married. And I'm just wondering, like, in this throuple,

I feel like if I was the new guy, like, I would always feel secondary. I feel like if you were on your deathbed, this is where my mind always goes. If you were on your deathbed and only one person's allowed in the hospital room,'s gonna be garrison wait a second what am i dying of covid well sure i mean that's a possibility are you dying of anything or if if you know if you're on life support like who gets to pull the plug are they both gonna put their hand on it and do it together it's gonna

be no one i will have my consciousness uploaded to an ai system and i will be around forever oh fantastic fantastic i just feel like there's so many ways to feel slighted especially when someone's been with someone else uh does do you guys do you use the word love are you a love yeah does garrison love Yes. What if one of you wants to break up with him and the other doesn't? Oh, that is a situation that we'll have to address. But it's also very easy right now to be forthcoming and honest with a lot of our feelings because that's all you do right now. You're in a relationship right now. So it's very easy to say this is how I feel because you don't have. I don't at least i don't have like the kind of monotony or maybe like the hustle and bustle of like the world pre-covid

so if something's kind of getting to you for me it's easier right now to say oh this is kind of getting on my nerves sure there's been a lot of crying for sure uh in my relationship but i feel the opposite i think it's harder to say what you feel because i'm like well if i feel in a way that's gonna hurt your feelings we're stuck in this room together you know we're gonna see each other tomorrow night because i don't have any plans disclosure uh brian is in california right now so one thing that is like interesting is that there's no way to like really even like be all three of us in the same room so there's like this am i do you see what i'm getting like sure i can't like long distance is tough enough let alone long distance throuple i mean it just gets more

complex i it's fun to me right now i try to find the fun in it if there was a time where i like started to get stressed out about it it would be like oh like let's say i get like a huge opportunity let's say something i'm like unbeknownst to me i'm manifesting this like what like from a red carpet standpoint like do you take are you taking two different people to different premieres i would hope so but what happens if you get the grammys are not going to give you take a picture i think you're going to be famous jay i don't think you're going to be a plus two grammy invite famous so you're saying like jay you gotta take someone to a billboard awards and someone else to the

grammy sure sure yeah well you have to split it up i just it's amazing it's it's just i do you not ever feel envy like if i was with two people like i have friends and sometimes i'm like i'm a little tired of chris or chris is getting on my nerves or we're in a fight so i'm gonna hang out with russell these are all real people i should be using fake names but I'm tired of this guy I'm gonna hang out with this guy and I know them too you know them too and it's just I just see the capacity of just like feeling slighted or feeling like hey you haven't had dinner with with me or oh god I don't know but that was a big part of it so whenever I was doing like the college tours and I was out a lot, like a lot of the second half of 2019, I wanted my boyfriend to have someone he could go on dates with. And I wanted my boyfriend to have someone that he could, I wanted Garrison to have someone that he could like see and hang out with.

And it was a situation that was casual at first it was very casual in the sense that like please go on a date with with brian like please do all this stuff so there was never any sort of like jealousy in my mind because the idea of like me getting jealous didn't help any of that like i wasn't gonna not do the gig sure that's a mean thing that's the thing that you do have you'd be like i'm not gonna not do this so any sort of like jealousy that i have to wrestle with is still secondary to my career i'm sorry no i think that i think that's nice i have a lot of uh you know i don't know when this will ever come out, but tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and, like, it was going to be, like, a romantic dinner tonight,

but I got a headlining Zoom gig at Governor's, and I'm like, gotta go. And if I had another guy, I'd be like, hey, you two have fun. Yeah. Wait a second. Are you saying if you had another person sure would you want to okay if i was thinking of her behalf of having another guy i would like another another lady if you could have a throuple if you could have a name are you going mmf or are you going mf no i would i would

prefer m me as the m and then two, okay. Yeah, what did you think? You think this was going to be how I would, like, this is how I'd find out I'm bi? Well, if I were to have a lady, I might as well have a man. But I didn't think it was a bi thing. I thought it was like a, that's your girlfriend's other boyfriend thing. Maybe that's fine, but then there'd be no three-way sex. What's the percentage, if you guys are all in the same city what's the percentage of sex all three of you yeah is it

all the time or is it yeah that's the most fun you all got to be in the mood i mean what are the odds one person's not quite in the mood and the other two are okay i'm gonna get into some 1990s comedy we're all dudes okay um all right well look that was great i wish i had found a little more downsides it seems okay the downside the downside is that i'm also responsible for twice as many gifts the downside sure something that no one says the downside is we are, whenever people say like queers are pushing a radical agenda, you have Pete Buttigieg and Chastain that say, no, we want a Norman Rockwell life just like everyone else. And the downside is that I have to be like, yeah but. Sure, you know what, it's gonna be difficult. I don't know if it's gonna be in our lifetimes unless they upload our consciousness but what will be the first uh in a thruple

president the first polypres first polypres and who's going to be the first man that's going to be a tricky thing poly president man one first man marco we both are of a certain age that we have seen kind of unofficial agreements in the White House. I mean, over the past 10 years, we've established that Hillary knew, knows, and doesn't care. Sure. But I'm saying like, but I'm saying Bill didn't have to,

I think it is very, I hope we have the first woman president and she has two guys and we have to decide who's the first gentleman. And that's a big fight. And so if you became president, who would be the first gentleman? Garrison. Okay, now if I was the other guy, I'd say, what the fuck? I want to be the first gentleman.

And my feelings will get hurt. Who's the most sensitive of the three of you? Is it Garrison? Yeah. Okay, but because both of my boyfriends love you this is a very very funny conversation for me to have because they you've met both of them they both enjoy you they like your comedy they think you're funny they think you're handsome they think you're tall all these garrison you see we we talk a lot on

instagram i mean more pictures from him to me but... But that's also all of my queer friends whenever they meet you. Well, I'm very flattered. I feel it's very nice to be embraced. All right. Well, that's the downsides of Jay Jordan's pretty phenomenal seeming life. Yeah, the downside is that I get tired. The downside is a refractory period. Oh, my God.

You get some reading done in the two minutes between. Is there a lot of, this is really graphic. Feel free to stop. Do it. Is there a lot of trying to all come at the same time? Ooh, you know what the plan there usually is? And that's not a graphic question. I mean, podcasts kind of live in this space now.

I would argue it's pretty graphic. I mean, I don't know how much more graphic we could get. Jean-Marc, there are some disgusting podcasts out there sure okay yes yes yes you're asking if we all orgasm at the same time you're not even asking like what orifice where fluids end up you're not asking like I feel like it must be so much easier for men than men and women

to finish at the same time absolutely absolutely um I have the whole thing you're not wrong when a woman says like oh my god i'm gonna come what she means is oh my god i'm gonna come if you keep doing exactly what you're doing with unwavering speed and intensity for the next three hours but when i say oh my god i'm gonna come i already came i came a long time ago i was trying to get a couple extra seconds in

before i slip out entirely so i just feel like if i was with a guy there'd be a lot more like i'm about to cut like that's yes that i mean yeah yeah yes it really sounds like a great time i have me i haven't hooked up with a girl who let me make sure this timeline doesn't get me in trouble i haven't hooked up with a girl who let me make sure this timeline doesn't get me in trouble i haven't hooked up with a girl since a while for a while so in that situation from an orgasm standpoint i think the best thing to do and this is my advice to heterosexuals this sounds terrible you just don't y'all you just have to like go down on women a lot that's the only control right i love i just love the straight guys like i need advice who am i going to get advice from oh this guy in a relationship with two guys for the last 10 years let's see what his notes are for my sex life this guy but i mean i don't understand why oral sex

isn't this i've been eating the puss since fucking 2005 2006 i've always been a big because i you know in the beginning i came i came too quick and yeah i felt guilty and so I just, I went down. Well, you took, we've had a private conversation where you're like, you basically take it as a point of pride. What did you say? I take it in. You take it as a point of pride. You're like, no, no, no, I'm doing this.

I'm doing it. I used to think, I used to, why I've always said this, I don't think like eating, I'm sure some people are skilled at eating pussy, but I think like eating pussy is less about skill, it's more about lack of self-worth. It's more about just like, are you willing to put in sometimes an obscene amount of time where it's not comfortable,

the breathing is challenging, you're like, you need to swallow, but you know, I mean, this is the thing with women, you know that like, if you're like this close, but if you take that moment to, like, clear your throat, it's gone.

All the progress. You're back to square zero, and you can hear it. You can hear. You're, like, you're there, you're there. I'm about to die. Let me take a breath, and it's gone. You're back to the beginning. All right, let's move on. one that was the downside with jay jordan

i uh we're gonna move on to uh our next segment we don't have a music cue for it yet this is called uh uh i've got some bad news music music music so we've got i've got some bad news where we take some uh positive seeming headlines and we find kind of the downside to them. First up, I'm very excited about this one. I'm going to say the title. It's Alex Trebek Wardrobe Donated to Homeless Organization for Job Interviews. Alex Trebek recently passed away. Rest in peace, beloved Jeopardy host.

Passed away not too long ago. And they donated his clothes to uh to homeless people his clothes this included 58 dress shirts 14 suits 300 neckties and all sorts of of these kinds of things let me just say my my when i heard this i thought first of all what are you going to go on that job interview it's going to be a weird uh icebreaker oh that's a nice suit what is this oh it's you know alex trebek who just died this is his suit this is a dead man's clothes i'm wearing it is it is very ghost of christmas future like scrooge's like garments like it's like this is a dead guy's clothes okay um i hope they don't tailor them at all i hope like that would feel disrespectful

to tailor this dead i just think auction the clothes get auction the clothes for more money i feel like you're gonna get more money from people being like oh i want that in my closet some rich motherfucker who puts it on the money goes to cancer research pancreatic yeah or to homeless people but like the idea of just like like if imagine you go to times square and you notice like 10 homeless guys in like these identical looking alex trebek suits i just feel like it's there's a there's a better usage of this clothes than directly giving them away yeah uh i would answer what is virtue signaling? Uh-huh. Also, Gianmarco, the timeline for this sucks because you're saying, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's give these homeless individuals Alex Trebek's suits so they can interview at places that are either on a hiring freeze or that aren't doing jobs in the office right now just give the tops you don't need to give any of the pants auction away the pants they're of no use right now yeah give these homeless people computers computers and wi-fi not alex trebek suits and i it made me think though like you know you can do it with alex trebek because his wardrobe was very much like business business leaning but like i think it'd be funny if we is this what they did when prince died and they're like prince's estate has donated 5 000 scarves to homeless people and you walk around just every homeless person has a thousand dollar scarf the ass out Headline number two, we got, we'll see if there's anything sad in this one. Woman donates kidney to 22 months old Minnesota toddler she has never met. First of all, very strange headline.

The idea that if she had met the toddler, like she could be like, okay, but what are you going to do with this kidney? Like, where do you see your life going? 22 month old toddler. Like that would persuade her to do the good deed. If you're giving your kidney to a toddler, you're probably a pretty nice person to begin with. What would you do if Garrison came back and said, hey, I saw this story about a toddler with a missing kidney.

I'm going to give one of my kidneys to them. What would you say? I would, well, he's Irish, so I'd be like, thank God it's not your liver um well that's a big kidney for a little kid that is that I had the same thought I was like what is this gigantic kidney inside this kid maybe it's sticking out over yeah my argument is that if Planned Parenthood has all these baby parts lying around they can't give one of the baby kidneys to the baby maybe you know but that's the

problem with all these things is that you can't even do the good deed because then they say you're selling baby parts and I'm like fucking good if the baby's dead sell those parts yeah if I feel like you can salvage cars for stuff. Sure. I think that's the whole thing is that pro-life people don't look at babies as car pieces. And maybe they should, though. Some cars are really good. What would you give of your body to a 22-month-old you've never met? Oh, God. met um oh god if the if okay if the baby had alopecia I would give it some of my

afro that's nice yeah but like you like you just that you get a haircut you'd be like yeah you can sweep up the floor glue that to pay to that baby's head. No, um, do 22-month-old babies. I have a question. We all have two kidneys. Yes. So is the other kidney on the baby not functioning either? So you want to know statistically, like, was this kidney really going to help this baby? Yeah, I don't like it when going to help this baby? Yeah.

Or is this baby on the way out to begin with? I don't like it when I find out things like this sometimes because I go, well, what was going on? Like, was this a GoFundMe? There's just a lot of questions I have. You're like, was the baby a smoker? Like, is the baby living a life that makes it worth them getting this kidney? It says the baby was on dialysis and it was unable to walk eat or talk i just think like it's wild because i could go on facebook and find a

thousand human tragedies that sure i could upend my life to donate to them i when i see these stories i go oh am i a piece of shit no you're just i don't think you're a piece of shit i think that right now that woman had to be in the best place to give away that kidney that woman i mean everything has to be going great for her in the middle of a pandemic and like i guess like economic upheaval racial reckoning like everything has happened over the past 12 months for her to be like, I could do more. I think when a kid's that young, like you don't know what if that kid grows up to be a fucking serial killer. Oh, no. It's just like a total bitch.

Or what if that kidney influences the trajectory of that kid? Sure. That's that's a good. Now, are you an organ donor? I am. I was in Mississippi. I don't know if I still am on my New York license. Yeah.

You can take it off. I didn't have it for a little, even though I believed in it wholeheartedly, it was just like, it was upsetting to think about. Because of the harvesting? Yeah, it's just one of those things you have to go go like okay when i die i'm not going to care and i think of it in a different way where i'm like oh my eyes will live on in a little girl's face and in that way my life will be extended like i try to think of it in a religious way oh i don't i mean i i would always hear that the biggest fear against oregon oregon donor

ship on your license is that then they they'll like try a little bit less to resuscitate you in a situation that's so they're like a quick before you give the electric shock wait wait wait check the license oh we really could use a heart all right that's what that's what people that's like the rumor like the myth around it and a lot of like oh that's very upsetting i i one of my favorite anthony jessel nicks jokes is like he's like my grandma died in the worst way possible uh during an autopsy and i'm like jesus christ i watched a video of the beginning of an autopsy once and i was like this is this is not something human beings should see why would what kind of you never you never got the internet and you like there's a it's a it's a website called live link

uh live what is it called live leak live i leak. I've never gotten to that corner of the internet. It's like, it's like the violent, like, you remember, you watch the documentary Don't Fuck With Cats? Yeah. Like, I had seen that video of that person who murdered the person because that was like, you know, that was on the internet. And, or like, you know, ISIS videos. You've been through it, Jean-Marc. Did you ever watch the ISIS, the Foley video? No.

Oh, there's this one very upsetting. It was this very attractive woman. She was topless. She was clearly drunk. She's leaning out of a window like, yeah. And you know something bad's about to happen. And of course, she hits a light pole or something and like immediately dies. It fucks you up forever.

There are these positions at Facebook because they have to hire people who take down violent videos and stuff. And these people are having severe PTSD and trauma and their lives are just... You watch Yu Yu Hakusho, right? I do. This is very nerdy. You know how there there was that one thing where there was like this vhs tape this is this is how like you can't it's so dated that show but this vhs tape that showed all of humanity's crimes on it and

it's like if you watched it you became evil because you hated humanity so much like that is what the internet is yes i know the tape and apparently you've seen it like i i uh we have now reduced this podcast to truly the most niche audience of 10 people all right let's go on okay but jean-marco as a person who is tiktok famous you know people love anime on the internet that is true that is true i'm not hooked into them yet. Every time I make a Dragon Ball Z joke, I have to pray that you retweet it because otherwise it just dies amongst my comedian actor friends. Oh yeah.

That's because you also like, you're like a secret anime fan. Yes. Yes. Well, I don't, I don't watch it anymore because it's a lot of time. It's a lot of time.

And I didn't like the new dragon ball and crunchyroll has 10 000 commercials so i i'm gonna get back into it one day all right so that's the downside of being an anime fan downside being an anime fan next up we got tick tock singer uh her name is amy hawkins 110 years old becomes a viral sensation so this is a woman i believe it's her granddaughter started posting videos on tick tock of her singing and now she's getting more views than me and you watch the videos but let's just say the fact that she's 110 is pulling a lot of the weight on the virality of these videos you know this is no mariah carey going on this is a woman that you're just amazed you're kind of half amazed that she can still breathe let alone uh sing and uh i just think getting famous at that late of an age like imagine you go to visit your grandma she's like fucking thank god you're here we got to make a new video

the fans have been clamoring this one person commented that i sucked like that's just, I pray that if I make it to that age, I have, like, left social media behind. Or you're hyper aware of the ridiculousness of your place on social media. Yes. You don't want to be old and earnest on TikTok.ok well what's what's her name oh who's on is it diane warwick d yeah yes yes yes on twitter and she's like what's pretty amazing is like she seems to understand the language of twitter or just like just just the nature of it well because i think it's because it's her and maybe she has someone dictated into a phone but it's definitely her saying i don't want to do this send that and it's to me there's an irreverence there that people appreciate yes larry king was

the same way he apparently he would leave voicemails to a phone saying what he wanted his twitter account to tweet and it would always end with hashtag my two cents i'm down with that but if someone's like oh okay this story isn't great because it's a 101-year-old British woman. So she's seen a lot of bad stuff. Sure, sure. I'd love her for to mix the TikTok with just like fucking Nazi stories. Yeah. You're just like, oh, look, she's singing, you know, what's the song everyone's singing right now? Radio car driver's license.

Driver's license. She's singing like driver's license. Oh, driver's license. And then next is like and then the nazis broke down the door and i had to i had to say they're down there in the basement and they took them all away no and it's like a million views a million likes on the driver's license three views on her story about living in world war ii but in the i mean like this person's fame is only enjoyed by their grand grand and great grandchildren she's got more views than

my last joke i checked this morning but okay and i hate that for you i hate that you have to experience it that way because you're very i think you're very efficient and good and tuned into tiktok but she doesn't enjoy this john marco sure you know who enjoys it the person's like my grandma is doing amazing it's like no you're doing amazing you're curating this well that's why i'm worried i think like you you, you need like a, I've always said like, if I have a baby, if I ever, you know, some kind of terrible accident occurs, I have a child that like, that's the downside of heterosexuality. Exactly. But if I do, I sag, I worry sag is going to knock on my door and say, sir, you tiktoks of your baby this morning we we are stepping in for the baby's behalf you are sag not child protective services you go full entertainment i i we have a lot of friends we're comedians and like we make a lot of content and i have friends where i'm like all right that's a lot of baby videos oh are you reading any books where you're not filming it there were people who i'll take it

one step before the baby there are a lot of people who uh i'm happy that they're happy and in relationships but sometimes you're like who who said this was who said this was the plan and there's one couple that i won't get into i don't know if they've broken up or not i thought i i think they broke up well sam morrell famously she he was with uh taylor tomlinson and they had a podcast where they each watched like another's favorite movie and you know like masculine movie feminine movie and i thought it was a really good podcast and it stopped suddenly and i'm just like i know why i know and i heard a rumor they broke up i don't know any of these things officially but i'm pretty sure and it's like that's the danger i have been in two web series that did not get released

because during the editing process, the couple that made it broke up and they couldn't decide who got custody of the series. And like, I couldn't even get the footage. And it was so funny. I reached out to the guy and he was like, uh,

she has the footage. And I went to her and she said, he said, I have the footage. Fucking bullshit. What a fucking, and I'm like, I'm back home.

I'm back in my childhood of divorced parents. It's insane it's insane it's so dangerous uh i will say that whenever i see those videos and garrison's in one of my more popular tiktok videos and he'll be in another one probably but it is like it is interesting if you ever see someone just kind of like go away uh so like that's what I think sadly with this 101 year old woman that will happen one day and so and then does the grandkid say now she's gone but before she passed away we saved a couple of things we have a couple of things in the draft oh my god on tiktok she's just like tupac herman kane's twitter account she's still releasing singles 10 years after her death well that's the thing is like she'll be like

fuck my grandma died but she had you know half a million followers I don't want to put this account to waste. Someone reached out to me on Instagram and they wanted to buy my TikTok account just because it has followers. And they offered like $800. And I was so offended. Yeah. I was so offended. I'm looking at Gianmarco's,

your TikTok numbers right now. You should definitely have, did you ask them to go higher? Yeah, and they went up to like 1,200. I mean, I wouldn't sell it. It would have to be like insane only because, you know, this is my, but let me tell you, I'm going to do a collab with this 110-year-old woman. We're going to sing some kind of duet. You do like older women. You know, I like slightly older women. I do these shows. I make and i do like older women you know i like slightly older women i had

the you know i i do these shows i make jokes i like older women some guys like being called daddy in the bedroom i prefer son and like then what happens after shows is like some 50 year old woman brings her husband over and says i want a picture with you he'll take it and she'll like you know do it it's the kind of thing where i'm like oh i meant like i like a couple years older than me not not you not i'm not i don't want to make love to you in front of this i think it's from porn it's like i've always said like i used to think i was into like milfs because i watch a lot of milf porn and i was like no i'm just really into 19 year olds because in porn they're all 19. In porn,

we don't like, you don't like milfs. Do you like people who like have poor decision making skills? Yes. Yes. I, man, I,

I miss the days. There's this, this porn is called milf hunter. One of the first ones I saw it and it was filmed like on a camcorder. And it was a guy just like walking to a grocery store. He meets a hot mom. Was it bang bros? Uh, I don't know. Maybe bang bros bought it, but it was like this just like walking to a grocery store he meets was it bang bros uh i don't know maybe bang bros bought it but it was like this schlubby looking guy and the whole thing was

it was filmed realistically so only one camera angle and it really seemed like he went up to a woman and not with not that much charm was like hey you want to go back to my place and she was like sure and i was like holy fuck adulthood looks fucking awesome you just go up to people and this does seem to be what your life seems to be but you get to go up to people and be like hey you want to fuck and they're like uh yeah let's go back to your place um all right well that was i've got some bad news now we get on to my next segment this is my favorite and is probably going to eat all the other segments eventually. This is

This Has Gotta Stop. What's gotta stop, Jay? This has gotta stop. We are 11 months into it. You know your nose is out. You know your nose is out. You're not wearing glasses. There are no extenuating circumstances. I am

tired of seeing people's noses the pandemic has turned me into a racist i don't want to have to see another black person's nose i don't want to have to see another prominent ethnic white person's nose i'm sick of seeing noses this has got to stop are you you're an adult it's just you know your nose is out you're not a child i can't steal it from you and make you think it's gone. This has got to stop. Come on. I wonder if people think in their minds, they're like, well, I'm breathing through my mouth mostly.

They're not, though, because culturally we have a term that we use as a pejorative that is mouth breather. So people, and because people are generally like, you took theater. There's a lot of jaw took theater there's a lot of jaw tension there's a lot of jaw clenching people don't primarily breathe through their mouths like anytime you have space in your mouth i can usually tell you're a trained performer that knows how to like relax so these people are breathing mostly through their noses and then they take their noses out and put them up over their masks it's a very very time capsulized complaint but i hate it it makes me so mad if your nose is out just pull it down to the chin at that point well that's my thing i'm like i see people i see a lot of

people where the mass is hanging down i'm like then why is it here then you know what if you don't want to wear the mask fucking own it walk around with no mask and i'll i'll treat you accordingly but it's just like you're so close you're so close to being a good person who have noses out sometimes in the gym on the train if your nose is out and we're outside i'll be like i'll give you a little bit more space even though you look stupid when the nose is out on the train or when like the train platform is treated like it's outside i just i get mad well i get frustrated because there's all this advertising on the subway little cartoons that are like this is this is wrong, this is wrong, this is right. And I always see it and I'm like, it's something deeper than that.

No one needs that cartoon. I don't need it, I know. Those other people aren't seeing it and changing their behavior. So clearly that's not doing it. So what do you do? Because I see the people with it down and it's like, it's almost hard to tell them because it's, you know, it's not even like your fly's unzipped.

It's like so basic. You want to be like, hey, what are you doing? Because do you do the signal? Because fly unzipped a lot of times is like, hey, like, do you go? Because they must know. That's the thing. They have to know. Have you ever told anyone?

Have you ever told a stranger? What did you say? I've told people and I've told on people. I've snitched. To who? To the police? I've been in the gym. Oh, in the gym.

I've been in the gym. And someone asked me if I was going to, like, how many sets I had left on incline bench. And I was like, oh, man, your mask fell. Like, pull up a little bit. I just made it seem like they were dumb. I your mask fell down a little bit pull up oh that's a good strategy be like what and i was like your mask came down and do they put it up in front of me and then there was another time when i was training at a gym and someone didn't have their mask all the way up like the nose was exposed and so i told the person who was like on

duty like the boss of the gym where i was training clients i was like they're not wearing their mask correctly do you want me to adjust that do you want me to tell them or do you want to do it like basically passively aggressively saying this is your space we pay rent to you either you become confrontational or i will because i don't want to have to deal with it. That's a good point. Well, that's why they said on the subways, they're like, we're going to make people wear masks. And it was just like, people masturbate on these trains.

That's definitely not allowed. Right now, would you rather, right now, if you saw a person who was, and we'd say this with a whole bunch of preferences, but someone who should not be masturbating but wearing their mask correctly would you rather see someone's mouth and nose right now jean marco serresi or someone's penis on the train my only fear with masturbating is it like the cum getting on me but the act itself yes i'd rather have

someone jerking it if they were jerking it but like you know slow so they were just savoring it for themselves and they weren't like trying to climax i would rather have that than no for sure all right my this has got to stop i uh i've got a couple of these but but this has got to stop people i don't know pitching me jokes i have yet to receive any good joke this is the joke i received last night i want to read it verbatim it doesn't fully make sense but i think i can break it down really quick this is i have no idea what this guy's name is uh who he is where he knows me from his facebook picture is of a dog that tells me a lot i have this joke that you may want and then he clarifies for free for free something like

so also whenever they pitch a joke it's never fullyed. It's an idea that they want me to fine tune. So this is it. It goes, remember when we were kids and didn't know how to curse and we'd say blank or blank. And now when I hear butt munch, my eyes get big and I look around with excitement to see whose face I'm going to sit on first though whenever people pitch you jokes there's one thing you know for sure it's either going to be hypersexual or very racist yes because that's like people understand they're like oh this is offensive so they're like that must be a joke and what what those blanks is what he meant to say those blanks were like you remember when

you were a kid and you did like childish name calling so i i interrogated him and he he gave me examples like titty face or poopy head so no one titty is the bad word sure that's i so what he was trying to say and i mean i i'm i'm taking a little artistic license was basically, hey, remember when we were kids and we called each other like butt muncher and butt muncher back then? It meant, you know, your butt was eating your underwear. You had like a wedgie. So remember we called each other butt muncher and that was like an insult. And now when I hear butt muncher, I'm like, oh, someone's going to eat my asshole. So it's kind of like it's not it's more of a a weird point i guess it makes sense

it's like the idea that when you were a kid you thought of sex things as an insult and now you're so horny at least in his example his eyes got wide and he's like whose face am i gonna sit on yeah and we're at the point where like eating ass has reached kind of like critical mass joke wise so much i mean i have i have my eating ass it's more about me not eating ass yeah than anything else because there is a thing where i'm like i don't buy this many people are eating ass i just don't buy it are you are? I'm not going to help with the defense of that though, because I know a lot of people who do so much so that to me now as a millennial, we're the same age group.

If someone in our age group, like makes it a point to make that like a celebratory thing. I know you and me in the green room are going to be like oh okay i my thing is that first of all eating ass that that would be a lot i'd have to be really fucked up to like not to do that i would love to have my ass eaten but i would never do that to someone i i love or admire you know like because yeah it feels i know it feels good i've used a bidet but not a bidet with eyes and a soul like i would let an enemy eat my ass i would let i would let adolf hitler eat my ass like you know no you wouldn't hitler eat my ass no you wouldn't i stand

chamber firmly against this premise no matter how hypothetical i would let hitler eat my ass i know i would absolutely give him he's not enjoying it okay but there are yes if hitler was smiling if hitler was like please i'd say okay never mind hitler you've ruined it you've ruined the whole thing adolf you're supposed to not like it that's the one thing he did bad. Yeah, you're right. This is the worst thing you've ever done. No, I'm sure his mustache would tickle the taint a little. It would be like a fun.

I think that you don't want an enemy to eat your ass. Just like you don't want an enemy to suck your dick. They still have teeth, Gianmarco. There's nothing to bite off they'd have to get really deep in there to like take a bite you don't you okay this is what i'm going to and i'm glad so glad that we got here from butt muncher hypothetical joke you should as a straight guy you're you're new like that's the new thing guys are like oh yeah i love i like having my ass eaten and the response to that from a lot of straight women is like i'm not gonna eat his ass

and then there was a counter movement to people being like we're all eating ass i think it's your job to be like that's just one part of like the sexual map that like people are more comfortable playing with right now and that's all it is to me like it's not map that's north korea on this map this sexual map and i'm like you have a demilitarized zone i have not have a ens i don't think i've ens yet that's the answer of someone I know that has. No, I've had, it was one woman. It was, I was in Europe and she, she went down to me. No, this is to me.

She went down to me and then she kept going down and I was on my back. I was on my back. And suddenly I'm doing legs akimbo. And like, let me tell you, if I cared about this person, even one drop, I would say, no, don't do that. But I hated her. I hated her. And I said, you know what? If you want to do this, fine.

No. And you know where it was? This is gross. It was in a hostel. It was in a bathroom. It was in a hostel. A hostel bathroom that I brought my blanket and put it on the cold floor. And this was like, shoot, we had been flirting all night.

Jean-Marc, that is, okay. This is some seedy, sketchy, international, hostile sex that I did not expect to hear about from you. She was French. I think we were in Sicily. And it was one of these where, like, we had been flirting, but she just wanted to dance all night. And so we got back at, like, 5 in the morning. And we'd been dancing, like, dancing in a way where, like, I was, like, getting, like, aroused. And then, like, okay, we're done.

You want to go back? No? More dancing? Okay. So I'd been hard, then soft, then hard, then hard then soft then hard then soft first a dozen times so by the time we got back my dick was done my dick was done this is very graphic but i think i i don't know if you ever noticed like if i've ever like are you telling me about what it's like to hook up with you no no i was saying like if i have like, if we've been in a position, this is why I don't like grinding for three hours.

If I've been hard for like an extended period of time, or if there's been like blue balls, and then eventually later we have sex, the kind of, I don't really have an orgasm. I have like a, like it's just like a, okay, we've been ready to go. We've been locked and loaded for so long.

The gas has run out it's a it dribbles out i have like i have i'm the opposite not in the sense that i like a long tantric build up to things i am very much you know what i do in those situations? One time, this is like, because you buried your soul and other stuff. One time, there was like a person that I'd been like making eyes with for the entire night. And then you finally like dance together for a while and then nothing. I like the idea of like leaving And then like you give them On Fire Island you can like tell them What house you're staying at

Because it's not The Pines is not that big And then you finally meet back up To me like I like that But you're describing something slightly different When you meet back up Is it just like boom Hey

Yeah it's like up against the wall Of the beach house Oh man God Well that was This has got to stop Now we're on the final section Yeah, it's like up against the wall of the beach house. Oh, man. God. Well, that was... This has got to stop. Now we're on the final section. I do have a music cue for this one.

This is not fully finished, but let's see if this is the right button. You better count your blessing. You better count your blessing. This is the one time of the podcast where i uh i get a little soft i get a little nice and we look at one upside this is one blessing jay do you have one blessing that you want to share with the pod oh yeah we didn't have a crazy cold and flu season this year yes that's something that i didn't really register until i was like i

didn't get sick knock on wood i didn't get sick like and it should have happened i'm in new york so yeah i did get a flu shot yeah yeah well i think that's the thing is like you know sometimes they talk about like when is it going to be safe back from covid and it'd be like well you know 2022 you can be in a movie theater without a mask but the thing is like there's a lot of virologists virologists who during flu season would be like you shouldn't go to a movie theater without a mask and so like i guess the flu probably really didn't stand a chance with just you know the somewhat social distancing masks that we've been doing um it's crazy to think that we normally don't that we normally would be in comedy clubs packed with tourists i march 5th i was at a celine dion concert at the barclay center oh my god that's wild that's i looked at the pictures today looked at the date like on the 13th of february

today i was in like a sold-out show at the bell house i feel like i'm bragging at this point but there are there are moments where i'm like i still didn't what's wrong with me what of course of course come on everyone got Everyone booked it except for me? Cool. Good for them. I'm still amazed. I mean, there's part of me that, and lots of people say this, so that's why I'm like, well, I shouldn't trust it, where I'm like, I must have had it.

I must have at some point and just been asymptomatic. It's just so hard for me to believe that nothing occurred. I did a show. You're a dirty dog. I'm a dirty dog. My last show, was it was uh i cancelled uh it was march 15th or 13th i cancelled going to atlantic city to do two headlining gigs um because people like you know they're starting to be facebook posts of like

guys we should stop doing shows stand-up comedians we've always been the leaders of morality in the world let's really take the charge and uh i did i canceled it so my last show i i was at i was at blink fitness because i heard the gyms might close i was getting like one in last gym workout someone wrote me they said we're doing a show at harlem shake which is a it's a it's a uh upscale fast food restaurant. You can say what it is. It is... It's like... It's like Black Shake Shack is what they market it as. Oh, yeah?

Sure. Black Shake Shack. And it's not the show that I would normally, like, leave my last workout for. But I was like, hey, maybe people are right and stand-up will be dead. And that ended up being the last show I did. I was in shorts shorts sweaty tank top and that was the last show i did for three months oh i have like a different story my last show was uh i feel like my last show was like at the jane it was like a big show it like dulce sloan was on it bo and yang was on it like how many central people were

there and i got to close and I felt so good. I had like an amazing time. And it's still very sad because you're like, man, I crushed it. Some people, some like important people saw all of my new stuff. You like, I was, oh my God, it was when I was so, it was the best.

But it was still one of those things where like, you look back on you go my god yeah nothing if i had known what was happening i would have blown the light so much like you probably had to respect the life i can make at harlem shake are you sure other people didn't sure come on now come on now i'll say anyone who listens if you ever do an uptown show in new york as a comedian or as an audience member just plan your night accordingly well let me ask you well okay first of all i always feel weird you know people say urban shows to mean black shows and i feel like urban shows feels like

more offensive it's one of those things where i'm like just say the thing you're saying black where like with black shows or urban shows uh there is a thing where if you don't do a lot of urban shows you show up on time and you're like well let me be specific if you showed up on time for the show at the upscale fast food restaurant that's on you get some fries get something to eat i i had though like it was me and my friend uh uh jay schmidt and uh we were running a show with joe hill and they would all be fine with me say this but joe hill i would say runs a lot of black shows and it was at the brooklyn house of, which I would describe as a black club.

And like Jay invited his like older, like his friend's parents, like all white, older. And they showed up on time at like 7 p.m. sharp. There's a tweet that says if you show up on time to a black event, that means you are going to help set up. And again, it's like it's so hard i'm not saying you know it's one of these things where i'm not saying black people i'm saying like a kind of comedy show that you just know it when you see the flyer when you see the flyer yeah my uncle's trying to say if everyone on this show has nicknames you can show up a little late if there's three comedians who their name includes

the word comedian in it you can be late and i mean i've listened that i think cpt stands for color people time but also comedy people time that's that's a note in general in mass for comedy but also like queer comedy is like that too sometimes just know you if you need to use the bathroom before you go see a comedy show go ahead use a bathroom at your house sure if there's if there's a picture of the dj on the flyer you can be late oh my god there's a promo code um i'm just very i'm i like i think that because you and i are close enough that i know exactly where that was headed but then there's also like i mean they're gonna be going to be people that are like, I can't believe Jean-Marco is saying that. But like, it's true. Like, I'm saying that as a black person, as a comedian, as a queer person. Like, my friend used to run a queer show.

He's a black person that does comedy. And we had to deal with drag queens. You want to talk about late? Oh, drag, drag, drag. Late? Oh, my God. Well, that's, I just drag drag late oh my god well that's i just think it's i mean my that's my thing with the the whole black room urban room where it's just like i always feel nervous anyone in comedy knows like that this is a term that's used and it like it's

a kind of show but it's always stressful outside where like i could totally see from an outside perspective being like what are you saying it's it's you know it's like it's like if i said like you know i i i went to a black gym and it's just like what the fuck does that mean you said blank what on 116 that means um well i certainly i feel safe if i post any clips for that particular part i'll make sure that you are in the frame nodding in approval yeah you got an active yes this is okay making black jokes in vacuums white comedians sure well there are certain jokes about i wouldn't call them they're jokes involving race where like it totally changes if it's an all-white audience i'm like i don't want to do this joke

here because it feels different oh yeah it feels like we're sharing like a naughty secret between white people we're like if i'm doing it in a diverse room or an all black room i'm like yeah oh it feels like i'm not like hiding anything i'm making a joke with everyone here. But that's part of the struggle with, I think like delicate topics. But that's also part of white allyship as a performance. Because if you said something truly fucked up, what would happen is someone be like, don't say that shit, that's fucked up. But if someone's like, I can't laugh at that.

Yeah. Then that's when I go, well, what? Wait a second, why not? Sure. You, I mean, I've seen it before's like, I can't laugh at that. Yeah. Then that's when I go, well, what? Wait a second. Why not? Sure. You, you, you, I mean, I've seen it before where like, if there's like an all white audience and two black people in the audience, like the white people look at the black people to be like, is this okay to laugh at?

Are they laughing? Okay. Then this is okay. I, I, I heard it was a comedian and she talked about it on stage. She did in a funny way. What's her name? She's British. She's black.

Jeannie Asheray? Yes. Jeannie Asheray. And she said she was doing a joke where she did a very heavy Chinese accent. And like, you know, you could see people going like, hmm, I don't, we don't, we can't do Chinese accents anymore. And she said like, kind of like a fuck you. I did that room.

I did that joke in china and she basically saying if you're willing you know uh a joke you have to be willing to do a joke if you're doing a joke about a specific subsect of people you would do it in a room of just that people and you that's that because because you don't feel like you're being hateful or you're doing an inclusive now again i don't think that is like i don't think think I can be on Barbara Walters and be like, well, you know, I did that room at a Harlem nights.

And I, but like, but that, that is the feeling where you're, where, you know, when people go like, Oh,

can you say that? It's like, fuck you. You don't even go to Harlem. You fucking piece of shit. There's so much. I love your coming out of anesthesia, Kanye joke.

If that's, I love that joke, but like, I know a bazillion percent that if it's an all-white room, I will not do that joke because it dies. It dies! And all of a sudden, it's like a version of, hey, I have black friends. I've had black audience members, and they like that joke. They said that joke's okay. So, all right. So that was yours uh my blessing um i guess i'll i'll say that uh my friend douglas goodheart uh he composed uh this music

um he has some other stings that are going to be in future episodes and you know what when you create something when you create something new there is a long phase where it's just like it just feels like you're lying you have nothing to show you don't know what you're doing it's it's all a castle in the clouds that you're spending money on and i'm buying a quick and you buy equipment how many people have bought podcast equipment that gets used twice and gets put away so it's all very scary it's all very like you feel like an idiot you're creating something that no one needs. And you're going to create that need or you're going to create that addiction.

And it's very nice to have a musically talented friend who's willing to put something together. We didn't discuss money. So I'm like waiting. Maybe a Venmo charge is coming my way. But I think he might have done it for free. Or maybe I'm saying it now so he will. And it's it's very sweet sounds good it sounds good and like especially for like beginning podcasts it's like already miles ahead of most comedians first podcast it's better than established podcast section music. Yeah, Joe Rogan. What does Joe Rogan have? He's just like, this is the

Joe Rogan experience. Fuck you. With the chimpanzee sound. With the chimpanzee sound. Well, Jay, I'm also very thankful for Jay. Jay, this is not the first podcast idea Jay has indulged me on, and I'm sure I'll release that other episode as a special Patreon, my short-lived theater kid podcast we broke do you know okay everyone who's listening

understand this is how much i love and respect and trust jean marco we recorded that last summer so summer of 2020 early before i moved apartments uh-huh um and he was the first non like boyfriend i let in my home after covid yeah yeah i remember i remember the first time we saw each other outside and we were outside wearing masks and we were still like six feet apart because you know we were just we were living a hyper cautious life talking if if anyone would have seen us in marcus garvey park they would have been like well those gay guys just get it over with we were like circling yeah just like uh you know i now i don't normally do this to quote your joke oh my god um well jay, I appreciate you. But otherwise, everyone listening, remember that every piece of joy you feel is always at the expense of someone else's.

So thank you so much for tuning in to The Downside. We'll be back soon. Let's hit this. That was good, hard music. Peace. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Down with john marco cerezi