The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #60 The Upside (Best of The Downside 2021)

Episode Date: January 4, 2022

For our annual moment of positivity, we take a look at the best moments from our inaugural year. Russell and I talk through clips of Caleb Hearon, Hannah Berner, Ashley Ray, Alex Brightman, Usama Siddiquee, Monroe Martin, Joanna Hausmann, Mike Recine, clips from patron-only episodes, and a preview from our upcoming episode with Samantha Ramsdell. Speaking of the Patreon! The videos for the two patron-exclusive episodes referenced are now PUBLIC for the first time (#44 The Trolley Problem But With Bill Cosby & George Bush & #46 We Didn't Get SNL) and we've also made public the video of Russell and I breaking down the Quibi gameshow we did last year: Eye Candy. Check them out if you want a preview of what you get for joining the Patreon because we're happy to announce that all patrons will now get FOUR bonus episodes every month along with all sorts of other goodies. Join here to help me support my delusions for this podcast. New episode next week with comedian Sam Morrison. Thanks for being a part of our first year. Here's to The Downside outlasting America!!! Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika, Fawn Sullivan & Gianmarco Soresi Videos edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the upside. Wow. That's why I decided to call this. This is our hopefully to be annual best of show. This is going to be a hodgepodge of some of our best interviews or best little clips, but also not necessarily because we we we used most of those for our online clips so we wanted to mix it up a little so it's our second best this is some of the second best moments of our podcast this year i gotta say i think you could

throw in some of the some of the clips because do you think everyone saw them all? I think everyone saw them. I think my social media presence is so fucking sick. I'm here with my co-host, Russell Daniels. Also, you edit them down so much. Sometimes it's a much longer, more interesting, thoughtful thing, but then

that doesn't play. You know what didn't play? That fucking video, the comedy club prank. That did not do great on social media. I know, and I really loved it. It's fun. It's fun. And the people who saw it liked it.

I always have this fantasy. It's like you make it, and then people go back, and they're going to watch. When I make it big, everyone's going to go back to Matzah Pizza and give it the attention it so, so deserved. Straight to Netflix. You'll have your own Matzah Pizza sketch series. So thank you.

Thank you. For those just joining, if this is your first episode, this is a great episode to start with because you get to see some of our best work. You get to see what we're about. The about the downside we're a podcast that celebrates negativity there's a there's a lot of complaining but we like to we like to roll in the shit roll in the mud have a good time have fun while we complain you know yeah sometimes sometimes people complain

and and it's like it's like if i do this we'll get to a solution and and we're saying you know what no this leads nowhere it's just fun to do and we can like enjoy a little bit and without bringing the mood down because also that's the other thing too sometimes complaining it is a total oh no one wants to be around someone that's just playing all the time so but we can do it in a fun way you know and we don't have to solve anything that's i like this it's that's that's just playing all the time so but we can do it in a fun way you know and we don't have to solve anything that's i like this it's that's that's it's kind of that's a seinfeld mentality this is a show about nothing this is a show with no solutions just problems and just going like well we can't solve it so we might as well tell some jokes about it uh so we got all sorts of clips uh we're we're uh putting this together this is a very frankensteinian

episode um but you're putting it together i'm not doing anything russell you did send a couple clip ideas uh yeah i think we're gonna do that for when we were recording this in parts yes i wanted to say this to the listener because i want them to have a little more insight into you as a person john marco oh marco you as a person, John Marco. John Marco, you as a person. No, it's not a good thing. You as a person can text a friend, and I guess under this circumstance, work colleague, at like 1130 at night and say, hey, can you do this thing for the next day? this thing for the next day and then if said person doesn't respond in in the the amount of time that you deem an acceptable amount of time to respond he will like or love or question mark or he'll react to his own thing because he's saying that i'm not responding in enough time it's so aggressive and uh um i'm also like no one else does it so i guess it's

a good move because it does get me to respond um but uh i just want to give people a little more insight into how you operate well you you are you're you're you're a very responsive person and then you disappear for days and And then you're right on board. After tomorrow, I'm disappearing. We'll never know what your behavior is like when I don't respond. You know why? Because I never don't respond. So we don't even know

what kind of toxic characteristics you possess. That's true. That's true. You're always there. So we're definitely going to have some... I hope we have some new listeners. If you're a big fan of this podcast, tell your friends to check out this one. I think this one's going to have some good clips.

And if you're a big fan of the show, join the Patreon. It's patreon.com slash downside. There will also be a link in the show notes. But we're growing. I'm painting the studio. I got new chairs. We got some fantastic guests coming in. And I think this is the year the podcast really takes off.

I think we'll do some more live episodes. We had, we had a lot of fun. The first one I was, I was more scared for Russell, but Russell, Russell, he was on his feet.

I don't see how it any different than me being in the studio with you, you know, but no, it is different. I being in the studio with you you know but no it is different i felt very stressed yeah exactly thank you no i disagree but i agree entirely um so uh join the patreon or tell your friends just to listen we just want people to listen and um uh we are going to start i figured we'd start with something a little special though this is not a clip we have played before. This is from a future episode coming up. I thought this would be a nice way for those of you who have heard all our episodes. I want to pull this.

This is one of my favorite moments for an upcoming episode with Samantha Ramsdell. Samantha Ramsdell. We're going to release this in January. But this is a bit of – we talked to her. She has the Guinness World Record for biggest female gape, I think is the term, but talking about her mouth. It's a very good episode, but she told this story, so I want to start with something a little bit new. And this is me, Russell, and Samantha Ravzo at the downside. Did you like any of the women that he dated?

Like my dad, when he got a new girlfriend, and I think my dad would do this, he would buy a bunch of presents for her to give me. And so every woman would like come with like a dog with like treats. And I was the dog of just like, oh, look, this woman brought you things. The positive associations with this new woman.

I feel like some of them I just didn't know long enough like it would literally i would be on a blind date with him like blind dates i have this whole joke about too like this is like a true story it was father's day of my 16th like i was in high school 16 and i wanted to take him on a father's day boat trip and we had a growing growing up in Miami, we had a boat. And he was like, the more the merrier, right? And I'd be like, shit. Is this his phrase? That's his phrase. Every day the more the merrier? I'd say no.

It's my 16th birthday party on a boat. No. And a woman showed up and she, you know, of course he showed up first and he just like sent me a text and was like, SOS. And I was like, what? And he was like, she's a whale. And I was like, what? And he was like, she's a whale.

And she was like, catfished him. Like it was like this 350 pound whale. She was a whale. At the boat? She's a whale. I guess he thought of it

because they were by the water. I guess that makes a little more sense. But like for my father's day on 16th, it's like me, my dad, and like this fat woman.

What did he want you to do? Entertain her. Because then of course he's like wait this woman okay so this woman lied to your father sent wrong pictures showed up under the premise of i'm going to a 16 year old girl's birthday party on a boat didn't think that that would be and then you were you were somehow forced on your 16th birthday to entertain this woman. Yeah. Because my dad's driving. He's like, you got, you know, like, you know.

Did she get on the boat with you? Yes. We went on a boat ride. And he broke up with her. We anchored the boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. And she goes. I heard so many jokes. And he's like, go home.

He just put a rope next to her and threw her over. Oh, sorry. I can make those jokes Lister cause I'm fat but listen um the uh they can hear it

in your voice um wait I like this it's like a different version of Moby Dick it's a different version of Moby Dick

where he needs to get rid of the whale SOS oh god that's brutal I like this. It's like a different version of Moby Dick. It's a different version of Moby Dick where he needs to get rid of the whale. SOS. Oh, God. That's brutal. Literally. Okay.

It's okay. We can joke because she did lie. But wait. My question is. She did lie. We can body shame all we want. That is the rules. That is the rules of body shaming. Wait.

Time out. So you guys anchored the boat. Yeah. And then what happened? Well, she slapped his ass. And then he was like, I need to talk to you. Oh, so she's a sexual assaulter too. But she thought this was a date.

Like they've been talking on the phone. So, you know, there's a little bit of a connection. And he was just like, I need to talk to you. No, we're in the middle of the ocean. Okay. That's not the place you go to break up with someone. That's where you go in the Godfather 2. You kill your traitorous brother and leave him there.

Not to someone you need to go back to land with. Did you call the coast guard and be like, hey, quick, come here. I'm going to pick up this fat woman, take her off this boat right now. Wait, what happened? He was just like wait what happened he was just like i think he was just like you know she was trying to get handsy with him and this boat is amazing yes yes just the three of you you don't have any friends yes and the boat is probably half like the size of this room and he's just like can i talk to you and i'm like yes and i just like turn around and just stare at the ocean and behind me you know he's like i don't think this is gonna work like i think we need to see

you know other people and we're just in the middle of the ocean how long is he talking to this woman before him a couple weeks it's such a it's such a wild birthday and first birthday party for you yes that is yes you're telling me and how'd she take it not she started crying oh let's go back you know so she tears streaming she's sitting next to me and it's like you know i'm like this is bad this is my 60th birthday you fucking liar what the hell oh my god wow that is a really funny awful story yeah so right so i never saw i do have her bracelet though because at the end do you use it as a belt oh come on i don't know

well i could you know because it was getting one of those awkward things where we were sitting on Oh, come on. I don't know. Well, I could, you know, because it was one of those awkward things where we were sitting on the boat. It's not like the most awkward thing in the history of the Guinness World Record of the most awkward thing in the entire world. Everyone failed you on that day. Everyone failed you. Your dad, that woman. There's no. Everyone fails you on that day. Everyone fails you. Your dad, that woman. There's no, that is, I mean, for you to agree to just go on a 16th birthday party with, on just a boat with your dad is, I would be like, this isn't a great present idea.

But then to bring a first date. Every holiday though, that was just normal. What a great story. what a great story what a great story um uh yeah you know it's also interesting too because sometimes you know people that have gotten big on social media you don't know what to expect and i felt like she was a great example of like totally down to to share interesting stories like that and uh very delightful we love very funny so so funny just so now you have you're you're currently at your your parents house yes uh when you hear me talk about my family or other families do you feel do you feel blessed do you do you think like oh wow i had a lucky break on this front i do i feel like um

there's not a lot of like in some ways sometimes other families talk about and i i'm like oh i don't know if i feel as close to my family sometimes people feel but i feel like it's a really healthy dose of completely supported and loved um but no pressure on like on like lots of components and none of like the like like kind of like underlying like weird tension kind of stuff that can happen in families so i feel like it's a good mix of like healthy like at a distance but close kind of thing yeah i think i i think i i uh mentioned where when i was hanging out with my friend kevin wong whose wedding i went to uh his parents like got into an argument about what movie to see that night and like mild like oh i want to see that well well kirk we're

gonna see this and you gotta be happy it. And then they left the room, and my friend Kevin was like, I'm really sorry you had to see that. And I was like, oh, baby. Oh, baby. That's how my mornings start with my family. I figured in between these clips, we could talk about either this has got to stops

about our own show like i got one i mean i well let me see if i guess it it's where i in the middle of the episode tell you uh that you have to do with this has got to stop where i don't prep you to prepare absolutely yes i had a different one but that is definitely high up there i've done that one before um i feel like again even in this case uh 12 minutes before we go you texting oh yeah just come up with a few this guy stops too about this show specifically is not an adequate amount of time i just don't understand the rules we've been doing it for 50 some odd shows and i still don't know when i have to have one when i don't have to have one i needs to be clear i have that's not the

one i was going to start with i have the one i was gonna start with that's just something i have at this point i have an iphone note it's filled so do i it's filled with this gotta stops and sometimes i have topical ones but then we get to thing, we don't use it and then it's worthless. So I, I just need to know. Uh, well, you're like,

this has got to stop the Trump presidency. Yeah. Um, no, but you know what I'm saying? What did you said? You had one though, or was that it?

I did. I did. But should I use it now? Or we just, uh, I don't know. Cause I got something for the next one. Okay.

Um, so just so you know, again, if this is new for you, this has got to because I've got something for the next one. Okay. So just so you know, again, if this is new for you, this has got to stop. Every episode, we have a couple different segments. This has got to stop.

Something in society that's got to stop. What are some good ones we've had? People who say, I appreciate you. It can be as petty as that. We've had so many good ones. We have. They should just listen to episodes and find them. It can be big. It can good ones. We have. They should just listen to episodes and find them.

It can be big. It can be small, big societal, racism. We haven't done that one yet. But like wedding registries is one we've never actually done, but I always use it as an example. Yeah, it's a good example. So my This Has Got to Stop for today is, This Has Got to Stop, the downside,

not having a proper hiatus because you, Mr. Leftist, Socialist, give people a break thing, but we have no built-in vacation time on this thing there's no time off there's no off season so we're just doing episodes relentlessly um without any stopping that's so funny that's so funny to have my leftist politics turned around on me like this yeah you're like keep pumping it out keep this is production production we need to un labor, I don't consider it labor. That's the worst kind of. I'm the worst. That's a very good one.

We'll go to our next clip, and then I'll say some of mine. Just general interview things that I do, that I'm learning about, that I think other people do. But this next clip, we did use this as a clip, but it was so long ago, I feel like it's good. We had Alex Brightman on the the podcast he was the star of school of rock and beetlejuice nominated for two tony awards um and i just saw him we did a live taping of doug loves movies and alex was there as well i did this taping and in the green room, of course, they had like edible gummy things. And so I took two, I didn't take them, I took them for home, two

gummies, each one's 30 milligrams of pot. So Tove and I are gonna split one maybe someday. But I saw Ox Bryman, this was a story he told, he does not have Instagram so he will not be able to help me promote this episode. But this is the story of why he got rid of Instagram.

There was just one day where I was heading to a two-show day, and I just checked my Instagram. And I had a message request. And I like to look what they are if there's a friend in the audience. I like to know if the people are going to be there. And just something caught my eye about it. I can't remember what it said, but it caught my eye. Clicked clicked on it and it pops up and it's a picture with um the message and it's a picture of a young looking lady um with like i would say 20s okay and half the picture it's like half of her face stone faced into the camera eyeball directly into the camera and says i'm

warning you not to come out the stage door tonight oh my god this is at the top of a two-show day i'm in a car i'm in an uber heading to my matinee and and then you kind of look at the picture and you realize she's standing in at like front of house like she's like in front of our theater oh my god she's not like at her own thing and so i immediately by the time i got to the theater i had like texted my stage manager and stuff like that and there was like the head of schubert security in my dressing room and they had like already sort of contacted counter terror and it was this whole thing i'm shaking to bits and and i absolutely like well i can't do my show anymore yeah like i just was like at all like, at all, ever again. Like, I never think about it.

Like, you don't think about it. There's 1,200 people sitting there, and you're like, all it would take is one person. Like, and you're standing there. You're the only thing on stage sitting. Like, you're a sitting duck. I never thought of myself as a sitting duck until that moment.

And then I did the show, because they said that they found her. They, like, they sort of were able to sort of... They did. They did. And it turned out it was a misunderstanding. Wait, what do you mean a misunderstanding? She was like, I'm going to give you a big hug.

You walk out that stage... What if I didn't clear that up? I was like, let's just move on. It was a misunderstanding. And that's how I met my wife. Of course. Beautiful story. I believe what ended up happening,

what I was told was that it was a person who was trying to warn me about like the crazy people, the stage door. There's crazy people here today. They're going to like be like every day is there like, and this was their way of doing it. That's what, that's the story I was fed and that's the story makes it easier for me to believe. Um, and that's the story that makes it easier for me to believe. And I did both shows, and every time I was doing sort of a side or a monologue adjacent thing to the audience that day and night, I was racked with fear. Like, complete. I have never felt afraid in a very long time.

I felt anxiety. Yeah. But I felt actual, like, actual like i had like wincing i was like just had those like a wincing for two and a half hours because i was like waiting for somebody to pull a gun or yeah i've always thought if i was on stage that would be i think it was it was eddie murphy did a bit where this was before speaking of obama before obama he was talking about the first black president giving a speech right and how he'd be moving around and i always thought like if that thought got in my head that someone might try to shoot

me on stage, it would be really incapacitated. I mean, it was real. Now, did she watch the show that day or no? It was like, I don't think, I think they, I think they were able to like, I think they really, they flagged it. They tracked it down. They like found that she had bought a ticket um which like was but i actually do from everything that i've heard after this do believe it was not

intended to be followed through with anything malicious i do think it was like notice me she needed like a photo of her smiling and referencing the large crowd crowd instead of just like let me dead cold dead staring into my camera what i love about that story well two things one when i edited it for online i ended with his joke of and that's how i met my wife and people were they thought that was real they really everyone thought they were like what that's his wife oh my god and i think you you were the you pointed it out we're like really thinking of that story through her eyes we're like let's just say let's say all intentions were good uh that that she maybe like i'm seeing beetlejuice today i love beetle Beetlejuice. I'm going to write Alex Brightman. And maybe she thought she was being in the character

of the Beetlejuice, so she gave a look like, careful. A little darker, a little quirky. Also, we all know those musical theater kids when they're young. They're a little off sometimes. We know them. We were the Russell.

But she's just a big fan and doesn't know where to put some of that energy. And so she sends this thing and then. And you don't even think he'll see it. You don't even think he'll see it. You get to the show. You know what? You, you,

you buy the tote bag. Yeah, it's $45, but you buy it because you're such a big fan. She has the full like book of like the thing. She buys all the things. but you buy it because you're such a big fan. You already have tickets to another show. She has the full book of the thing. She buys all the things. She's waiting to sit in her seat.

She gets to her seat. That's how they know that she's there. She sits down in her seat with all of her memorabilia, and then terrorist units come and take her away. I hope, guys, with M15s like on the trick or miss she's probably still in jail right now like oh man and then this broadway performer is like afraid for his life and i'm not taking away from from what happened to him and i hope he's on a like a do not fly list for broadway shows oh like like she can she's no longer allowed to see another show again I hope he's on a do not fly list for Broadway shows. Oh, man.

She's no longer allowed to see Broadway. She can never see another show again. Never again. Because of one, she really misread the situation in the picture. Oh, man, you're not going to want to come out here today. Poor thing. And then she goes back and all her musical theater friends are like, you saw Beetlejuice. How was it?

And she's like, so shaking. These men. Well, she's talking in a glass window. She's definitely still like incarcerated. Oh, that is funny. So my this has got to stop. These are some quirks that I notice I do and some other comedian guests. You know, we have a lot of stand-up comedian guests. I think it's a quirk and i do it too where i go i have a joke about this

we're like before i say something like a funny thing or a funny observation i feel the need to like clarify it's a joke um i don't know if it's like to deflect from the fact that it'll come off as like two uh like you'll be like wow that observation seemed really uh put together that didn't have the normal 10 ums uh you know you know you know fuck shit that he normally has i i agree here's the problem here's the thing too i can see it going both ways because sometimes you're like i have a bit about it and you're like what's the bit and then and then it's like so half-assed. Like so like not like just like explaining it like you would as a scientist or a teacher instead of doing it.

But the reason you don't do it is because like then you say it. And if no one laughs, you're like, well, it is funny. I was just explaining it like in theory. I think maybe you could try experimenting with this. Maybe just try going into it, doing it, and then if people are really laughing and they're like, wow, that's great. You should use it and be like, I do use it.

You know, like maybe after the fact. Yeah, I think that's probably better. I mean, we understand that when you do panel on Conan, it's not like you end your really good panel piece with like, well, just so you all know, that wasn't off the cuff. Like, I'm going to work at this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I think that's what's frustrating as a comedian, a stand-up comedian especially, where you have jokes that work on stage, and sometimes if you're explaining it or you don't do it justice or the mood's not right, you want to be like, this does work. Like, if it doesn't the mood's not right, you want to be like, this does work. Like if it doesn't work with your two friends, you want to be like, you always feel mad. You're like, fuck off.

You go up in front of 200 strangers and make them laugh because this works. Let me send you a clip. Like part of you want to like be like proof. That's like when a tweet bombs and someone like write something snarky. You're like, well, fuck you. It works. It works. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah um but no i know of uh this leads to my second discuss up where and we

both do this and everyone does this and it's tough it's i i think i said this before on the podcast but there's a lot of like we we worry that we said something already we told a story already and i almost wanted to say it where i was going to talk about an example of the first thing where i don't know if i said this on the podcast before but when i met my agents at innovate innovative years ago i was trying to be good in the meeting and i was like dropping a lot of my stand-up jokes in the meeting um and then they were seeing me at caroline's comedy club that night and i was like oh my god they're gonna see me do those jokes i said in conversation on stage and realize i'm full of

shit and that was in my mind i was like oh i'll tell them like oh yeah the meeting inspired me to tell that joke on stage but that aside we we both we've now that we've we're coming up, I think in March on a year of the podcast, yeah, we probably told some stories before, but there were probably earlier episodes where 10 people listened to it. It doesn't matter. Mark Maron has talked about his SNL story a thousand times about how he didn't

get a job, so we can repeat. Yeah, it is that thing of you're just going to constantly more and more be like, I don't know if I said this or not, and delay any, because ultimately you're going to end up saying it anyways, so why delay it? You know, like, why do that whole preface

song and dance thing? No, I agree. Alright, we'll work on that. We'll work on that. Here's our next clip. This is from Joanna Hausman. This isn't the one you recommended, which was a great one, and maybe we'll do in our part two, uh this is from joanna houseman uh this isn't the one you recommended which was which was a great one and maybe we'll do in our part two but this is uh i think a staple of early episodes they've kind of faded unfortunately kind of fortunately for me uh tova's night terrors

were prominently featured on the podcast her night terrors have gotten a lot better they've gotten less funny they're just kind of like, I mean, she still has them. She has them. And I'm going to start trying to get her to record them again. I feel like they've gotten better, so we stopped recording them. And now she'll, like, wake up. Last night when she woke, she's just like, I'm doing work. She goes to sleep before I do.

And then she goes like, do you have the keys to my keys to your door? And I'm like, yes, baby. But you have your own? I go, maybe I have all like do you have the keys to my keys to your your door and i'm like i'm like yes baby but you have your own i go maybe i have all the keys all the keys and then she kind of regains consciousness during that she goes okay love you and it goes to bed and i go okay that's fine that's manageable yeah but this was uh this was truly in the height of the night terrors. Oh, yeah. This is Joanna Hausman. My girlfriend, Tova, she has night terrors. Really? Yeah.

She was mugged, like, I think two years ago now or something like that, and then had night terrors ever since. They can be really intense. She has an app that basically starts recording audio whenever noise starts. And so in the morning, we, we like review what the night terrors are and by the way someone asked me she she's she's totally down for me sharing these like i don't she you know she i think she likes it in her own up twisted way that's why i love it that's so great but like to give an example this is one i don't think i've played on this one so

she wore she was at my place she wore uh an eye mask uh just because i was staying up and reading or something and she doesn't normally wear an eye mask so so this was staying up and reading or something. And she doesn't normally wear an eye mask. So this is like an example of what a bad night is. What? Where are my glasses? My eyes.

Where are my eyes? Where are my glasses? So, so, I, so, this is four in the morning. You went over to just, just the voice, just the changes.

And she doesn't make that. What? Where are my glasses? My eyes. Where are my glasses? She got possessed. She got possessed. So she's, she, so I mean, and I wake up and she goes back to sleep after them. She got possessed. She got possessed.

So she's – so I mean – and I wake up and she goes back to sleep after them because she's in a sleep state. I wake up and I'm like, what happened? I need to call a priest. And that was like a bad night. So she's been figuring out things. I think it's something she didn't fully deal with before. And I was like, sweetheart, it would mean a lot to me if we start, you know, dealing with this. And, uh, part of it, we think I thought was like phone. There's a lot of phone usage. She's, she works in the, she's a comedy manager. So phones, you know, a lot of anxiety, this is, this is an important thing. So she,

she was been really good about putting the phone away like an hour before sleep. And this was the, we had a night the other night, this is my blessing. We had before sleep and this was the oh this we had a night the other night this is my blessing we had a night where this was the only one normally there's 20 of those 15 10 20. and this was one night if this was it and that was it and that was it and we woke up and that was the only one and like it is it is it is much different than it was you know compared to not have a but okay so so one of the things i i so this was very good i'm very thankful yes things seem to be getting better but uh i got an alexa and i really only use it to set my alarm but but she decided oh i'll get an alexa too that way she can like set alarms and put her phone away so like the new

the new like thing would put the phones away but this is from from last night uh She was just alone. I wasn't there. So this is... No, no, no. No one can do anything here. I said that last night to you guys. You confirmed last night. Alexa, Alexa, you confirmed last night

that... Sorry, I don't know that. Alexa, why? Son, I'm not sure what you mean. Alexa, why didn't you do the curtains like I asked? Hmm, I'm not sure. Are you kidding me? Oh oh that is oh man that is my blessing these are so funny uh so i will uh you know hopefully tova will experience some kind of trauma soon and we wow that was a really that was a real source in this podcast for a few weeks there.

I'm glad she's getting good sleep, but I do miss the recordings. You know, I'll be on. Listen, it still happens sometimes. It still happens sometimes. Sometimes my responses aren't as aff uh affable oh oh my god so you're not you're not you're not sharing the recordings where you're just like no but they're like horrible yeah you're like yeah we don't share the one shut up and go to sleep we don't have the ones where i'm like i don't know what to do i just don't know what to do because i want to see you but i'm traveling tomorrow and i

well there's sometimes i struggle with sleep on my own on my own now do you when you're crying as a response in the middle of the night do you remember that the next day or no you don't oh yeah because i'm awake it's it's over like if you get me up at five in the morning it's over for me i am awake now. Uh, and we got to figure out cause you have to travel more and the nights before travel, uh, really trigger her.

So, you know, she's stressed about getting up on time, the alarms. And, uh, and so sometimes I'm like, I'm like,

babe, even, even if tomorrow I'm leaving, I'm not seeing you for a decade. We cannot spend that night together. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, but I love leaving, I'm not seeing you for a decade, we cannot spend that night together. I'm fucked. But I love you, Tova. And yeah, that's a big, I mean, if you listen to this podcast

from the beginning, you can really track a lot of my relationship with Tova. I have apologized to her several times after several episodes. By the way, I guess I should say here that story about the airplane the incident on the airplane I misrepresented that story wait let me read this legal statement I misrepresented that story

and she behaved absolutely appropriately and I probably did. And I don't know. It's very hard. It's very hard to be in a relationship. I think you're not a credible source. I'm not a credible source.

You've been almost arrested by airport security. So I don't think you can't really be trusted to be the source of anyone behaving weirdly in any sort of flight, transportation. Tova is a tremendous partner and yes, if you ever get the impression that I'm painting her as just a bitchy girlfriend,

I know that I'm exaggerating for comedic purposes and I'm probably lying and I'm probably switching who did the thing. And it was me. And there's no bigger bitch than John Marcos Sarracic. Of the biggest bitch there is. Now, I wanted to play.

This is from our Patreon. So, if you've never joined the Patreon, again, it's just $5 a month. You get two bonus episodes a month which come with video and eventually it's going to be four with video on them all uh there's a five dollar tier and a ten dollar tier there's some differences that are going to be more clear next year but but you get all the bonus episodes on the five dollar tier ten dollar tier you get extra goodies like i'm about to get the video from my uh the the show i did at my friend's wedding which i love how much you talk about this this wedding video like i you talk about it like it is fuck off it is like i hate you prince is releasing an album that hasn't been released in five years

it's coming out it's coming out it's gonna come out guys don't worry i'm like no like i think we you can just let us know once it's out shut up all i mean is that we're gonna have like more bonus things i i that's that's the part of the thing i'm gonna get together new year it's i mean like if i have any special sets i think i'm gonna have some cooler things next year and if it's like uh you know if i'm hosting some dreadful uh short film festival and I come up with a little set for the beginning, you can have it.

You can have access to it. We're going to get recordings of Russell as Annie Warbucks' dad, Mr. Worth's name. Oh, God. We're going to get you cool things. Oliver. There's going to be cool things. We're going to have live shows.

You can get free tickets. We might even do, if people want it, I don't know who the fuck wants it, but a monthly zoom with me and russell and you can ask us anything you want oh man can you imagine russell me and russell so this is from the patreon um join the patreon patreon.com slash downside even if you don't want to fucking listen to more it's a good way to support us help us build the studio uh we're hiring a pr person next year. I got Paige doing ad stuff.

We could use all the help we could get. And then someday Russell can get paid for this. So this is for the Patreon. This is the kind of stuff you can expect on the Patreon. Unless you hate it, then don't worry. There's a lot of different stuff. But this is Russell and I reinventing the classic philosophy problem known as the trolley problem. This is the Patreon.

If you saw Bill Cosby, he's trying to cross the street. Would I help him? Would you help him? Okay. I think if he was on both legs, no. But if he had fallen and was crawling, I think it would be hard for me to see any human. Well, I think it would depend on who else was on the street. If there was photographers, I would, I would, I would let him crawl.

If there were not photographers, no one was around. No one would knew that I helped him. Here's the thing. And I'm not helping him because of what he did. I'm helping him because like, I don't want a human being to crawl on the ground does that make sense i'm not oh here's a here's i'm not going to help him across i'm going to help him back to two feet and then i'm going to say like good luck to you i'll say and then i will say the direction is that way go forward i will i will kind of give him a direction and then i'm going to take him out to lunch and say no no i'm not doing that i'm not doing that um i think i think i i'm not gonna

help him too much because of all the bad stuff but i i would i don't want a person a human being crawling on the ground you know even saddam hussein on my help to his feet no you don't get to get out of this it's funny because i'm like what would you do honestly picked like a like a less contentious subject with saddam hussein like like people are like well say whatever you want about saddam yeah uh no i would i i do believe okay i would help if if it felt like quick question i felt like there's cars going and this person is going to get hit by a car. Yeah. Yes.

No, I agree. I feel in any street in New York, they could get hit by a car. So that's my mind. That's a, that's a real thing. And also,

you know, but okay. Two people fall in the street. One's George W. Bush and one is, is Bill Cosby. Which one do you help first or which one, or do you ignore both?

So we're like, like there's a chance if I start with someone else, the other will die. We'll get hit by a car, run over. I mean, of course I couldn't not, I'm not a murderer.

Yeah. And I would feel like, like I was a murderer first. But which one are you helping first? I would help, oh boy. I couldn't not. I'm not a murderer. Yeah. And I would feel like I was a murderer first. But which one are you helping first? I would help. Oh, boy. I mean, my inclination is to say Bush. You're going to help George W. Bush first.

Here's my argument against that. Man, that's brutal. Here's my argument against that. Here's my argument. Bill Cosby raped probably 60 people. And, uh, and, and that is, that is one of,

that's awful. Um, George W. Bush, he did lead some wars that killed millions of people. And also he didn't write The Cosby Show. That's my only argument. But again, I'm not helping either one of them all the way to the end of the street.

I'm just trying to get them to their feet so they don't get hit by a car. See, philosophy can be fun we need to update the trolley problem no one knows what a trolley is anymore can i by the way i wouldn't i feel like i wouldn't even say this if it was a regular episode i'm in my head my head i'm like there's 25 people in my head because people will be like you're helping bill cosby to his feet people get really mad about that's the problem about the internet and i'm like well what's the scenario it's the scenario i'm saying like if i had a gun to my head i i guess i have a gun now it got so complicated if there's paparazzi it's all influenced by i don't know i don't know it would just be i'm

imagining someone just crawling on the street but yeah i don't know there's some there's some you know maybe i wouldn't because then like i probably have seen people crawling in new york before and i didn't help them so my only feeling like i have to help them because i feel like i know like who they are and they're celebrities i think and is that me just being like oh they're celebrities so i'm gonna give them a special treatment maybe i wouldn't maybe i shouldn't maybe you know it was bill cosby and then just a regular if it was bill cosby or me i also have a i also have a thing for old people like i feel even you know when they've done horrible i know but he doesn't seem as old he you know he's still going all games i think that was one of the when when the story came out

like a little a year after kind of the real height of the me too was george bush senior oh yeah did a thing where he'd grab a woman's butt and say i'm david coppa feel and his wife would go oh george and and there was a collective shrug of like, he's really old. Yeah, yeah. He's just really old. Yeah. What, are you going to punish him? Can you imagine joining him and being like,

you're getting dragged on Twitter? What's dragged and Twitter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he's dead and she's died too, right? And they're both dead now, right? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah. You know what happened?

They were crossing the street. No one would help them. You know, when they were crossing the street, no one would help them. That is one of my favorite world-building philosophy. I don't know if I've said this on the podcast before, and I tell a joke about it on stage,

but I once sung for George W. Bush. Ross, you didn't get that joke? Fuck you. I was trying to do both things. No, I didn't. I was trying to do both things I don't like.

But I did sing for George Bush. Not solo. It was a Christmas concert. I was in... I feel like high school. Definitely high school. Freshman, sophomore year of high school definitely high school freshman sophomore year high school some big dc high school yeah and it was like it was like a serious dc show where like maybe

rascal flats was the closer okay so wait i'm confused so you were propaganda for you're not confused at all you got it right on the money uh i was uh propaganda and uh george bush was there and i was in high school so like i knew i knew we didn't like him but it's surreal it's definitely surreal to see the president and he comes over to shake hands i did not shake his hand i think i remember at the time being like i'm not going to shake his hand but he wasn't close to me it's i didn't i didn't have to make like a clutch decision. He wasn't, he wasn't like going beelining for you.

No, that's why I can't imagine being president. Like he's got to sit through high schoolers singing Christmas carols and be like, I'm enjoying this. There's not a trillion things I'd rather be doing right now. But when you're with the president in the balconies, you could see the guys with sniper rifles.

And I'm pretty sure, I mean, maybe I'm incorrect. It's just movies. But if you're shaking his hand, they have you in their sights. They're ready to pull a trigger if you go, whoo! That is stressful. And, uh, I,

I don't like that. I don't like that. What would be, um, what do you think would be the, the, the thing you'd like the least about being president? If you're a president.

Oh man. I mean, again, it's, it's all those ceremonies. I think like, like I just would hate the pressure of someone dies in a war and you you need to call them and like that call means something and like you got to go to the awards ceremony and part of you is

just like i don't i don't i'm just a guy like it's hard part of me sometimes i'm like there's these guys are so busy with with all these tasks. How could they possibly do any government work? Shouldn't the president not be doing any of this shit at all? A ceremony. You do that after you retire. What would your least favorite thing be of being a president? I think probably two things. I don't think I like reading to the kids as much as they have to do, seemingly.

Unlike George Bush, when 9- 11 happened you you'd be like oh thank god i can get out of this reading i gotta go i gotta go that and then also like when they have to like share anything like that is meant to like trick the country into liking them more like their spotify playlist or stuff like that like because you're like it's not like those presidents want to share that stuff it's truly like being like hey trick americans into liking you more and um and i just feel like i would be like i wouldn't want to like do that because it would be stressful to me and people having opinions about my stuff like that. And it just feels, I feels icky for some reason more so.

And then I guess like the war stuff, you know, because I think it's, I would probably be like, um, that is third though. Um, I think that's why I would never,

I thought anyone that becomes a president, I'm like, you're a psychopath because I feel like you are you're going into it you're knowing that you are going to cause so much pain for people all across the world uh and here too and but also like there is a part and you're okay with it you're like that's fine i probably will be good at that you know and you're like that's crazy to just be like i'm gonna be good at that. You know, and you're like, that's crazy to just be like, I'm going to be good at that. But it also is kind of, I mean, I do think it's kind of where like we talked about on the last Patreon I did. I'm getting dragged on Twitter and, you know, it hurts my feelings.

And to be a president, no matter what kind of president you are, there are millions of people who hate you, who think you are the dumbest motherfucker in the entire world yeah and i don't know if that's like you're you're strong that you can take that or you're crazy that it doesn't mean anything to you or or you're elevated and like it doesn't affect you but like imagine biden going on twitter any moment of the day and looking up his name and being like, oh, they think they think I'm dead. They think I'm tired. Also, your families all see that. It's just a very there's a great stand up comedian. I'll put the bit in the show notes because his name is just escape me.

But he has a bit about the president's kids and And like, you can't chastise your kids because the kid will be like, clean my room. Look at your approval ratings right now. Fix the rainforest. Clean my room. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. So, well, I think this is a good place.

Were you okay with me playing that clip? Have you ever been mad at me yet in terms of like, sometimes on the podcast, you'd be oh we shouldn't air this and i'm like we're gonna air this have you been mad at me no i'm pretty good about i feel like i don't feel like there's anything like there like i like i feel like there's enough context there where clearly we're not advocating for either george bush or bill cosby well you to be fair you were pretty if i remember you were pretty upset because you wanted us to air a commercial for louis ck's new special in this episode and i said to you i don't think that's fully appropriate yeah and i was really like i was email after email

i was sending saying we need to we need to he's asking me about it we need to um uh hey if he could if snl let him do a commercial could you blame me if i if i took the five bucks it took to advertise on the show by the way if you're an advertiser and you want to advertise on this show it is a it is a very uh reasonable rate right now uh it is whatever you want um free products uh i think next year we we will we we are this is going to come out next year i think this year not next year maybe next year 2022 or 2023 we will have advertisers i'd love to get a new mattress in 2022 so uh let's make that happen i think we're gonna be good we're gonna be good at like slipping in i have fantasies about how i'm

gonna slip in the ads and make it seem natural and it'll be funny and fun do you listen to those ads when you're listening to a podcast or you fast forward uh i really enjoy i mean i've heard tim dylan's ad reads and they're very funny and then i listen to anthony jesson's podcast a lot and he basically has his co-host read it and then he comes in with like riffs and jokes and uh sometimes he he comes in too hard and and apparently they have to re-record the ad or like they have to like give them a free one the next time or better help the therapy people drop them um and i and you know i i do to, I don't want to advertise things I don't, I don't need to believe in it. Like, I believe in this mattress. But, like, I don't know.

I don't like BetterHelp. There is a thing where people on podcasts, they, like, they act like every ad is, like, they're like, I'm telling you telling you this one others people say this but this one really blah blah and they do it every time so you're like you're we know you're lying so it's fine to lie like it's just one of those things where you're like just you have to do these commercials that's fine do them but like they it's like in order to believe it or to act the part they have to like really try and do it but they do it every time so it's the same amount of importance every time so it's like guys we it's fine yeah it's not earth shattering it's it's it's tough because i do think like the kind of ads i want to do i could see plenty of companies being like uh you didn't really sell us but i don't want to do like pete

holmes will like be like this brain thing and I'm like you're selling fake medicine you're selling fake medicine shouldn't that be the line isn't that bad Pete Holmes please do the podcast or I'll do yours yeah I would like mattresses

the ball the big podcast people the Manscape they're a big one man razors that'd be fun um and then something specific to downside i could get into therapy or maybe like a very specific one therapist just one therapist who advertises just one and they use our podcast like as allegories to like help them through things. You know what? This is like that time that Russell's nails got clipped during the massage session. So we're going to take a quick commercial break. And then we'll be back with the upside, the best of the downside.

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the best of the downside 2021 our first year in uh we are recording this at a later date than the first half so uh i i think based i was listening to the first half earlier today i think i am now in a better mood and russell is in a worse mood so it's a kind of nice uh yeah we've switched i don't remember when we did this last one it was it was before christmas but um uh yeah, we've switched, I think. Yeah, I did a two-day spa retreat. Oh, yeah, you were getting canceled on Twitter or something. Yeah, I was getting canceled on Twitter. Now I went to a two-day spa retreat,

ate amazing food, got a massage while stoned. I was so, you know, I rarely spend an hour not on my phone. And I was stoned. My brain was raging with all these ideas for comedy and sketches i was this close to asking the masseuse if i could have a pen real quick and taking five minutes out of my massage to write down ideas now was the spa

they were cool about substances like that like or were you supposed to be substance free it definitely was a healthy spa there was no alcohol on the vicinity but it was loose no one no one was monitoring us so uh yeah we were we were quite stoned for the tov and i when we take off we we like to get i've been working on getting like day stoned because I have to sober up in time for shows. Yeah. I certainly don't want to be at the comedy cellar. Hi. And you weren't nervous at all getting a massage while stoned. Like you would have any sort of like you. Have you done that before?

What would happen? I. Well, I don't know. I don't I don't know. I don't I don't. I. There's like more. It's more when I get stoned.

Like I wouldn't want to get a massage drunk, you know? See, I would, I would. Oh my God. That's amazing. I want to get, I want to get a massage and heroin. I want to do all the drugs and then get a massage. I guess that does sound fun. Actually. It was really lovely. It was edibles. The only part is because sometimes they get a little existential when I get stoned. I part of the massage they had me on my back for the happy ending and i would say they they had my other back they were doing you know something on the front and there was something about lying on my back that i immediately went to when i got a surgery for that hernia oh it just reminded me i was like on a table not moving someone Someone was operating on my chest and whatnot.

And that was scary for a second. I did not like that feeling. Yeah. I thought you were going to say coffin or corner. You were having an out-of-body future experience being on the slab, getting your body examined by a coroner. It was some kind of weird necrophiliac who likes to massage dead bodies. Oh, God. I bet you there is.

I mean, you think about the people that go, it's a very specific thing to want to do that job. Which one? A necrophiliac or a masseuse? No, a masseuse, you're saying. Oh, no. Oh, I thought we were talking about coroners. Coroners.

They're all weird. They're all, everyone, listen, everyone, whatever job someone picks most of the time unless it's making a lot of money they're getting off on it in some way there's no way that the masseuse isn't kind of turned on by touching bodies there's no way the coroner is not kind of turned on maybe at first but after you give that many massages don't you think you'd just be like you think that's like when a coroner corner gets like, he's like, man, I've been doing this for so long. I don't even get hard anymore.

I don't even get hard. I mean, uh, I, I imagine that they like a lot. Most of their job is just like easy, right? Like they're like,

and I don't know, I don't want to speak to what a corner does, but I, I think that like, maybe there's a puzzle. There's our corners. Don't you? There's a puzzle element to it.

Like, how did they die? I'll figure it out. You know, like, they get, there's some kind of, like... I think you're missing a coroner with a police emergency. It's kind of the same thing. I'm just saying it's like a puzzle piece. You know, you're putting something together. Yeah.

Well, we should get into these clips, but I thank you again. This is going to be an extra long episode. And this is the episode, if you have friends who you want to get into the downside, this is the one. This is a good intro point. This next clip,

I don't know. Russell, I assume all the episodes you're not on, that you listen to them how soon after they're posted immediately? Do you take notes? As soon as I get that notification from Spotify, I click on it and I sit down. I call my kids to the table

and we all sit together and listen. Well, this is from an episode I did without Russell because I was in Los Angeles. It's with Caleb Heron, who I think pains me, but he is so one of the funniest guys around. Yeah, he really is. And this clip was very funny.

This is not what we used for the video. And this is just such a glorious of how he can be so... He owns his hypocrisy. So please, welcome, Caleb Heron. I don't like ad agencies. My feeling about most of the people who worked at the ad agencies I worked at was that they were failed artists who were convincing themselves that actually it's really powerful to make commercials for Coca-Cola and Pepsi. And actually, you'd rather good people be doing it so that our advertising can be more ethical and cool. And it's like you guys just wear jeans to work and think that you're like i think call themselves disruptors that made me want to

kill myself uh-huh um it just is a stupid environment where people who were not uh brave enough or good enough or whatever to go do the art they wanted to do it's what they want they wanted they didn't or they're using this to fuel and then when they're 50 they go you know what i'm gonna do a play again sometimes do a one act sometimes but a lot of them my personal experience i'm not saying everybody works in advertising is a failed artist who wasn't brave in my experience i worked with a number of them who were like oh yeah i tried to be a musician for four years and then um nobody listened to my music so now i decided i'm doing Brave campaigns for Michelob Ultra. And it's like, okay.

It is funny. So I did the first round, these General Electric commercials. They got all this praise in the ad world because the joke was like, no one thinks GE has good. It was about like, I work for GE and everyone's like, sorry to hear. And it was like a subversive in the commercial world where we were kind of saying, people think our company's lame. And then-

But guess what? And people were like, but that's it. And then it was like, people were like, ooh, this is groundbreaking. GE is making fun of itself. That's groundbreaking in the corporate world. Which is kind of cool. It is.

But then the commercials did well, so they did a second round. I'm very excited. And the second round was like, now Which is kind of cool. It is. But then the commercials did well. So they did a second round. I'm very excited. And the second round was like, now everyone thinks GE's cool. And it was so fucking not funny. And I'm there in the room and I'm there in the room

and it was weird. Like they would be like, come by the offices. We want to introduce you to the CEO. Like the little actor boy. Like, hey, we brought him here and we didn't pay him anything, but you get to meet him.

You get to meet the actor in your commercials and i'd be like hi and then they'd be like go away yeah but i remember seeing the new scripts and i thought to myself like this isn't funny anymore now this isn't gonna work yeah and i want to do more of these commercials so it'd be cool if we made them funny yeah but instead they just they went that angle they couldn't make fun of themselves anymore yeah i. They had to be like, well, now everyone loves GE. I think, look, if you work in an advertising agency and you make commercials

for BP Oil about why they are actually a progressive and cool company and you have convinced yourself that that is art and is edgy, I love that for you. I just don't think that I should be

like a bad guy for not buying into it. Like, I think I get to go, that sucks. You know what I mean? Now, do you, should your career go as one might hope? You're going to get an offer like many comedians. I'll do it in a heartbeat. Will you?

I'll sell out in a heartbeat. For BP Oil. If BP Oil came to, if the money was right and they said, we want you to do a commercial, I will sell out too. I'm not criticizing these people. I'm just saying it's my view. Look, if BP Oil came to me and said, $2 million, we want you to say that we do,

we want you to say that you personally endorse us and we do good work for the environment. I would do it. I would do it. Really? Maybe. And that's Caleb Huron. That's so funny.

What do you think? Do you think that there would be like a moment where you recognize that you sell out or do you just think that you, you can convince yourself and like, it's like you keep moving the line. Does that make sense? I definitely feel like, I feel like I wonder right now,

something that bums me out and I don't, I am not thinking of it as selling out, but I'm thinking of it. It's a trend that bums me out is that like some very very funny funny comedian actors uh right now they're hosting like tv shows yeah and like they're hosting like you know like baking competitions or like or you know or like anything and there's a thing so So just say Nicole Byer, I guess you want to go straight. Oh, no, no, no. Sorry. Actually I was thinking of, uh, no, but yes, I was thinking of, uh,

Andy Sandberg and Maya Rudolph have a thing on Peacock right now, like a baking competition thing. And it's like, they took over from the woodworking show that Amy Poehler had. Like, there's a thing where I'm like, why are you guys hosting these shows and like for me it's like a further extension of doing a commercial or something and there must be they're making a lot of money quickly it's easy to do yes but like so i'm not labeling it as selling out but it's something that bums me out that you were like

you turn on the tv and so many comedians uh are like that's a lot of the work now is like hosting things and in my mind i'm like is that do you would you get that gig and be like of course because they can do other things so they're like i'm doing other things it's such a luxury right now where like i can kind of say yes to almost anything and it's like well yeah i'm still up and coming you know i did this hosting thing for ibm i uh uh you know the only thing i've said no to was this uh this israel birthright uh thing that that was that was tough you know that was tough someone was offering me real money to like just you know advertise birthright i i and and i think i think what happened the timing of that it would have been like a

if you had been a different year you might have like or like six months i don't know like there's like a weird timing of that where it's very it's it feels like a bigger you know also in your career like you were hitting things and differently so in my experience it's like and i i do think and i talk about this with tova sometimes like my parents had a certain amount of money. And I think I I learned certain the same way you learn lessons by growing up without money. I learned lessons of like, oh, this is like the ways money does not make you happier. This is like the way you make mistakes with money. Or I think what happens is you become a big star.

Let's say you become a series star let's say you you become a series regular on a show that does well and nbc's like we want to we want to have you exclusively for x amount of dollars you'll do a tv show you'll do a special once a year and you'll host a game show we'll figure it out later we got plenty of ideas you can totally and i think it becomes that thing of like you reach a point in your life should you be so successful where you're like do i want to have and i'm making these numbers up but let's just say do you want to have five million dollars in the bank or do you want to have 50 million dollars in the bank do you want to like still have to budget occasionally or do you want to just fucking you know uh glide through life and it's and in in

some ways it makes sense it makes like it feels like as a comedian it feels less like i can see how in people's minds it feels less icky because you're like think of the amount of shows that you've done where you're doing the show like at like the level that we are of course the fuck am i doing the show right now and like so that's just built into every comedian's like career is like this feeling of like why did i agree to this or like what is this what's more classy what's more classy very demoralizing in the moment and then you're you're like but you're like but like you know you do a lot of things and you don't feel great about all of them so i I feel like it's just an extension of that, except it's attached to millions and millions of dollars.

Listen, I agree. That's why I'm making the case for selling out. In my mind, I'm like, and maybe this is wrong, where I'm like, as long as the standup is pure, I feel okay with fucking around with other stuff. But who knows? I think it's just a constant battle it's just a constant battle

I do think that that's the thing that you have you're on to something with the if there's as long as you have something like sizzling that is like I can still offer up some as long as it's not years and years and years of just like here I am hosting this thing

because you see it in their eyes, you know, at a certain time, there's a thing where you're like, Oh, that person is. And then you might get a fan base based on that fucking show. So all of a sudden,

even if you want your standup to be like dark and edgy, your show is, is people who like home goods and building and cooking nice dishes. And it's like, Oh, this is not, that's why I think it's so back in the day. And I feel like this kind of went away with the internet or became like you couldn't hide it

where these big celebrities these al pacino's and robert de niro's who wanted to come off as classy would then go to china and do this commercial for five million dollars hawking who knows what you remember there's one in a casino it was like leon DiCaprio and Robert De Niro. Martin Scorsese directed it. And we just wouldn't really see it. It just was like a secret that they had that they went and did. That is really funny. So who knows? Speaking of which, again, I'll say this again.

If you want to advertise on the downside, we will sell anything. We will sell guns. We will sell guns. We will sell cigarettes. We will, we will light our cigarettes with your guns on the broadcast live. So please, please help us sell out. Yeah.

There is that thing where it's like, you're going to worry about selling out when you worry about selling anything to start. And then you can figure it out. Oh, that's funny so this next clip we have one more uh uh patreon clip and i wanted to announce uh uh on this this special episode that i hope gets a lot of listens daddy big patreon listen we're we're growing we're

cooking we're moving we're shaking uh we call our patrons our deb Downsiders, Negative Nancys. We got to come up with a male name too. But maybe Debbie Downsiders is fine. We are expanding the Patreon. We are now going to make it, originally we were doing two extra episodes a month. We're making it four extra episodes a month. Most of them are going to be me and Russell. But until we hit that 100 patron mark so I can start giving Russell some sweet cash, some of that sweet, uh, uh, cigarette and gun ad cash. Uh, there's going to be a mix. I'm going to do a couple episodes. I think I conned

my girlfriend Tova into doing a couple. Um, we're going to do some, uh, some standup-y ones. So bottom line is when you join the Patreon, it's $5 a month. You get all our regular episodes the Friday before they're released. They're normally released on a Tuesday. You get them ad-free, and you get four extra episodes a month.

If there's a $5 tier, that's what you get. $10 tier, you get video of all the extra episodes, plus other little goodies, special video treats of weird comedy sets I do on the road. And then we had our first $25 a month patron. So $5 a month is Pessimist. $10 a month, it's called Cynic. $25 a month, it's called The Nihilist.

And we got our first Nihilist. And man, you're getting special video links. You get tickets to shows. If I'm ever in your town or you're in New York City, you get free tickets when I can do it. Some clubs do not give a fuck about me, but a lot of tiers. Join it.

If you want to start out, join that pessimist tier. It's patreon.com slash downside. And this clip, it's from the episode we did shortly after my dad's heart surgery and my COVID diagnosis. This is the kind of intimate stuff you get to be a patron. This clip ended up being more about my stepfather. But I think it's a fun look of Russell trying to understand just how fucked up my family is. So first I was like telling Tove i was like don't worry don't

don't come i didn't know at the time i was gonna get covid either so it's just like i was like don't come it happened very fast like i found out we did the podcast and then i would have to leave in an hour and then like truly 15 minutes before i left i visualized like oh my dad dies and i'm there with his new girlfriend and that's it yeah and like my mom's not there i my stepdad's there no other siblings and like that thought just overwhelmed me immediately and i was like kind of i was just i was hysterical i was just i was just like please no please come and tova got everything together in 15 minutes, I'd say. Wow. Good on Tova.

Yeah, when it comes to travel, she's very pretty. It was low maintenance. For her work, it's just like a laptop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she did it like, ran her apartment. We thought maybe she'd get a later train, but she ended up making the train that I was taking. I bought her another ticket on my phone it was fucking chaos though i love in the

time of crisis you were like okay okay we can't look at the plans yet let me quickly record an hour and a half podcast and then we'll assess everything and leave within 15 minutes if i had not recorded that we'd be so fucked no i know i know no i i listen if it was a lesser guest than josh gondelman no i know yes i would have canceled it but josh josh is a big get for the downside podcast yes yes yes um so so we got on the train went to my stepdad's luckily my stepdad lives in like a mansion yeah like a a there's a they're doing construction in the main kitchen so they use the downstairs kitchen oh and this that's it was a huge kitchen would you be lucky to get to a place in your life that you could and you say stepdad this is former stepdad former stepdad okay but still you have still have a working

relationship with yeah more more functional frankly than when oh that's good so yeah he married this this is what he's remarried someone else yes wow oh that's so interesting i mean it's like yeah it's nice that you still have a relationship you know like it was so he my stepfather was my dad's lawyer way way way way back and uh very different from my father my father was you know a playboy of sorts just like rough curses loose and then my stepdad he uh he's from ohio conservative kind of buttoned up very yeah very uh a little on the spectrum i'm sure uh and my mom married him i was four we had a horrible relationship, like a classic stepfather meeting to stepson.

And then him and my mom had a long... In Maryland, I think they may have changed the law, but you have to live under separate roofs for a year and you have to not have sex during that year. It's in the law. At least it was at the time. So they had like this drawn out divorce where my mom lived in the house, but she wasn't allowed to file the divorce until she got her own place and wait you have to you have to live separately and not have sex to get divorced to file yeah

and who's it's just on the the couple to be honest about the sex sure well i would say i i bet it gives power to whoever does if the state's trying to encourage a marriage to stay together i feel like it's in the state's interest for a marriage to stay together let's say one person says yeah we fucked and the other person's like no we didn't i i can't i can't see any way that law is designed for anything other than like to force people to stay together. Oh, my God. Even if one of them does. That's insane.

It was insane. It's Maryland, too. It's not like, you know, Arkansas or like Oklahoma. Oh, sure. I'm not making offense to those. Well, all offense. No, but I mean, Maryland was, goes way back. I'm sure this law was like the pilgrims.

This is like a pilgrim law. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. John Hancock wrote this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. long was like the pilgrims this is like a pilgrim john hancock yeah this one yeah yeah and uh so my stepfather we we ended up like getting closer as their marriage fell apart like he he used to take me out we would go jogging maybe which work you want to jog and i'd be like fuck me and we jogged for like three blocks and then he'd be like let's walk for a bit i'd be like no no no no

for men for older men walk and talk this is therapy for them yeah and so we'd be walking and be like why do you think your mom's so unhappy and i was like i'm 16 how how did i become the voice of reason here oh and it was uh i think it was like that do you think it's because they weren't hooking up i yeah yeah you mean the pussy um i wonder if you're a pussy you're walking on your parents fucking no never you ever hear him no no uh maybe once but like i i i wasn't sure and it's like one of those things you don't really want to fully investigate you know i don't know you you you wanted to know at all times no i'm really horrified by the the thought of my mom engaging in sex really grosses

me out really does that make me weird no i don't think it makes you i think most people don't want to really go there i just i remember distinctly once where like i had a bad dream and knocked on their door and my mom was like covering up her her bosom and my stepfather was mad in a way that that like i think years later i was like he was like really mad he was like like he had like a raging cock a raging and he knew it just wasn't going to get back to that point after it'd been interrupted you know yeah i feel like probably i feel like my mom probably used an excuse like if i'm not in the mood anymore i feel like i had a feeling my mom is he just had that like crazy cum brain and just like i gotta do it oh no i had a nightmare um so yes it's my former uh that uh yeah that was uh you learning about my my family yeah my stepfather it's all very

kind you know what's even weirder now is that uh my mom's uh current boyfriend and it's pretty intense she lives with him in los angeles uh his name is bill and my stepdad's name is bill so so sometimes she'll call me and you know she'll be like she'll be like oh so i was uh sucking bill's dick last night. And I'm like, wait a second, what? Oh, it's your current boyfriend. Okay, then what happened? That's a joke I tell my siblings every time. That's like I have someone,

I'm not going to say how I know them to save their thing, but they- Just to pause, it's very funny, our different tactics. I'm like, this is my I know them to save their thing, but they, um, just, just to pause. It's very funny. Our, our different tactics. I'm like, this is my mom's current boyfriend's name. I know my stepbrother's name.

And you're like, I have a sort of friend. I'm not going to give any, I know someone. No, I know someone, uh, who has had multiple affairs and always with the same name person.

And like, and then also has married that person like like has had two husbands with the same name um but like had like two or three affairs with it like all with the same name um so that's as vague i don't even know why i added that story i am trying to protect who they are i'm still very very shocked people who cheat. Now as an adult, sometimes men will talk to me openly about cheating. And I'll be like, oh, don't you know that's this bad? Like I saw a friend last night at the cellar. And he told me that his girlfriend was mad at him because he had taken a picture of some girl seven months ago on an Insta story or whatever.

And he was like, you know, and I've cheated on her, obviously, but I didn't cheat on her with that girl. And I was like, that's a... You were like, obviously. Yeah. And I meant to say, and I'm going to put this in the show notes too, I'm going to be making three uh patreon exclusive videos uh open to the public including uh the two that we played on this which is my dad's my dad's heart surgery and um

all that jazz the uh the one where you you talk about how you still admire bill cosby in a certain sense and then i'm going to put out the episode where russell and i break down our episode of uh quibi now roku's eye candy episode so it's gonna be in the show notes again this is just a little preview of what you get if you join the patreon and um we're gonna be listen let me tell you what's this other patreon i'm very jealous of this show called are you garbage which is a great show but their patreon blew up so much, I think they're at 20,000. Oh my God.

That like, or they said once they hit 20,000, one of their co-hosts had never been to Disney World. So they were going to go to Disney World and of course, you know, document it. So just think of the places I can take Russell, some place that we've never been. You and your wife have agreed to do an escape room-y type thing with me called Beat the Bomb in January.

We are. Maybe we can get Nicole on that Patreon episode. I know Nicole wants to do it. Yeah. Wait, Jim Marco, I interrupted the last segment, but we're not recording the video. Yeah, so Russell thought I was so dumb that I did not check if we were recording the video. We're not recording yes so russell russell thought i was so dumb that i did not check if we were recording the video we're not releasing video of this episode okay well i just

we always do it when we're on here so i just didn't know yeah we did time to do it in the middle of the clip i uh you know there's a chat function on the zoom um so many options but no and i'm moving it in so when you hear in the middle of the clip, someone go like, we're not recording. That's Russell freaking out. No, someday, someday as my producer, I'm able to, listen, if you join now, you get to really feel this podcast growing. Like we have improved.

Soon these walls are going to be painted. I'm in talks with someone to buy a neon sign that says the downside. So this is a good time to join. You get to really feel us get better and better with each couple episodes. This next clip is one of my favorite parts, one of my favorite moments from this year. Russell, I think you would agree this was probably one of our better moments. And here we go how is your dog russell wow i thought you deleted that i didn't know i had to re-download the episode and cut that little chunk uh this was uh probably the biggest misfire of the downside,

probably in our history, even if we go... What did you think? You thought I was going to roll in the aisles of laughter the day after my dog died. What did you think? How did you think I was going to react? So for those who joined later, Russell's dog, who we talked about frequently on the podcast...

Multiple dogs ago. Multiple dogs ago. Hennessy had some medical problems and uh we you know we kept the the listeners updated on the dog and then unfortunately had to put your dog down uh it was cancer right the cancer just was too bad yeah and uh i thought it'd be a funny to introduce that we had a new bit where rus Russell updated us on his dog's health. When I played the clip, I just saw... I've known Russell a long time. I can see when he thinks something is

very funny, mildly funny. This time I saw a new emotion in him. A deep kind of, not just rage, disappointment. Disappointment at me comedically. I think it would have been better if I was rage or angry. There was something where I didn't really have much of...

Yeah, I was shocked. But I wasn't shocked. It's hard to describe. I guess I was... I don't know what I was feeling in the moment. But I'm glad you still have that song. It's very fun. We can do it the year anniversary.

I'll play it for my wife. She'll love that. Oh, God. And then you told the story of having to put the dog down. And you got emotional. And I truly, I wanted to kill myself. It was the day after. It was one day after.

It wasn't weeks. I hadn't had, I was in the middle of grief. But no, I appreciate the thought. The thought of it is funny now. Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it one of those things? The thought that you did it is funny now.

It's just I wasn't able to process it as funny in real time. Well, we have had a lot of death on the podcast and i really didn't know that that was going to it just ended up coming up a lot it became shocking the number of dead dads yes you know we we interview a lot of people in their 30s because uh we are in our i'm in my 30s russell's almost in his 40s and um we had a lot of dead dads. And so I did want to play this clip. This was a Russell suggestion. And I concurred. This was a great episode with Ashley Ray telling us about the time she had to go to musical theater camp.

Speaking of, yeah, look, if I could make a joke the day after your dog died, If I could make a joke the day after your dog died, Ashley Ray could go to musical theater camp the day after her father was put into the ground. That's very true. This is Ashley Ray. They found him. I went right back down for the funeral, which was the day before I was supposed to go

to musical theater camp. I'm not even fucking with you. I went to the funeral and my mom was like look ashley i know your dad just died but they're telling me they're not giving me a refund on your oh they would not give her a refund and so my mom was just like i i don't want to pressure you but if you feel up to go into theater camp maybe maybe you should consider it it would be great you go into class and you like you do send in the clowns and you do like the most riveting 17 year old performing send in the clowns like wow she wow she's tapping it was the most like

weird camp experience of my life like literally i went to my dad's funeral and camp started the next day uh i did not even get to go to his like actual burial because he was catholic so one day we did like a wake in the service the camp's like sorry we were figuring out the dance levels yeah she cannot miss that day they were like if she's not there the first day by start like she can't come to camp so my mom was like her dad is literally being buried that day and they were like nope so his is yeah i'm gonna call out northern illinois university in decalb right now for doing that to me as a child that's crazy so my mom was like ashley i hate to do this but after his funeral you're gonna have

to get on a red eye get back up here and they literally picked me up from the airport in chicago drove me to decalb my mom had a suitcase packed for me for theater camp and they dropped me off at theater camp right after my father's funeral oh wow and we're like playing like these improv get to know your like buddy games one two three four five six seven one two three four five six everybody name something you did this weekend and i was like well my dad my dad died now were you like laying it on everybody like were you like i was everyone knew with it how many minutes before everyone knew that your dad had recently died and it also was like my one of my good friends from high school went to the same theater camp with me like good like good friend his birthday was the day before mine we were like pretty close so he also knew and he like had gotten to the theater camp early and we

went to this theater camp every year so everyone like kind of knew us already and he like went early and like kind of prepped people like ashley's dad died so like oh my god why is she coming here yeah and he was the one who started the whole like narrative of kind of like well at least your dad was a hero and that's like what everyone that we get camp was saying to me everyone was just like at least he was a hero at least he saved your brother and at least he was a hero like can't you and i would just be like yeah fucking love having batman as a dad i guess like i don't were you singing any like what songs were you singing i'm trying to remember i feel like that year i feel like that year was a big year

of me being like i'm doing tech sure yeah yeah i feel like that was the one of the years i was like i don't want to be in any other performances i'm doing tech i like to wear all black yeah i want to wear all black stand in the dark yeah And also when you were a tech kid, you like, didn't have to like, like you got more free time to just like hang out on, cause it's a college campus. You could like hang out with the college kids and stuff.

So that's when I was like, I'm just going to like fucking go hang out at the record store and do tech. And I don't want to, and like, you know, the counselors were kids who were probably in college who were just like NIU students. And they were all just like,

yeah, Ashley, you do you do whatever you want. were kids who were probably in college who were just like NIU students and they were all just like, yeah, Ashley, you do you. You do whatever you want. They were just like, you do you. You want to sit for ballet class? You sit. You sit. You don't want to join in.

You want to skip that? That's all you, Ashley. Smoke that cigarette. Yeah, that's fine. Put it out on my forehead. Ashley Rae, fantastic episode. Very good guest. We'll have to do a counter someday

of how many dead dads we've had in the pod. I know. Well, it's interesting because I feel like there's been a bunch where some I knew going into it. It was like something we were going to talk about. And then others, it just came up. And I'm surprised. It felt like it was always dads, too.

Yeah. It just felt much like... There's obviously a statistic. I don't know what the age differential is, but that men die younger than women. Four years, I think. Yeah. And these are pretty...

Most of them were tragic or kind of a weird illness. But it did feel like... It felt like you were like, oh, yeah, these men, on average, people are losing their dads first. like tragic or kind of a weird illness but it did feel like it felt like you were like oh yeah these men in in on average people are losing their dads first yeah and then their moms i almost lost my dad uh very scary times um that'll be a good episode now on stage i say oh my dad he had a heart surgery this year it was not successful he's still very much alive um so uh uh yeah we do have uh well what is there one episode that that you really loved that maybe we haven't played one one episode that i think i'll play a clip from

right now that i really loved that uh i don't know if it got the attention it deserved was Monroe Martin. Monroe. Oh yeah. It's such a good episode. He had been in a foster care. He had been in the foster care system and, I'll actually, I'll play this clip.

This, we, we use this in the, as the video clip, but this, I don't think I cut it up right. This was Monroe Martin. Uh,

check out this episode. If you're interested in this kind of stuff, I thought it was really fantastic. Did you ever get into any physical stuff or did you know how to play the game yeah no but i learned how to play the game later because you get tired to keep getting into physical shit yeah yeah i mean like it was like you fought just because people would be like what the fuck you looking at fuck you looking at and now y'all fighting for no reason and it was just like a bunch of goofiness and just like you know what i mean a bunch of hurt people hurting each other and shit like that and then eventually

i developed a sense of humor and i was like goofy and just figured out how to get out of situations because you don't want to keep fighting to say you usually fight the same person or you fight his group of friends yeah and this is the same shit over and over again so like i don't got time for this shit i was gonna ask was doing stand-up on your radar at this at any point of this no that's just like you just like developed a sense of humor and that's yeah secondary to survival you know like yeah i developed a sense of humor to kind of like keep me in the homes yeah that sounds like you know what i mean like it'd be funny so you can be like a joy to have and they're like oh he's so funny right cool that's so much better than your reason i wanted a home oh jesus maybe i'd make him tonight, but let me say one more weekend.

Yo, I'm serious. You got to put on that act. You got to. You're like, all right, what's my five for the night? I'm going to talk about how school is crazy. Oh, man. I just think in terms of origin stories for comedy, that's one of the best.

We're still going to have a lot of stand-up comedians next year. I think we're about to set up. I'm really excited. We're going to have an interview with a stand-up comedian who was on one of these cruise ships that got code really and got docked so uh yeah we're doing a lot we we got lined up for for next month we got our january already full we got casey cohen who is from a reality show called uh queens long island or queens of long island long island queens have you ever seen this? No. You should watch it because it's right up your alley. It's about

Jewish, rich, Long Island people. We watched an episode. It's very much up. You'll watch it in one night. The reason I know her, other than being a reality TV star, she is my spin instructor. Tova and I go to her spin

class. We got renan hershberg fantastic stand-up comedian uh abby krechfeld uh kyle gordon but we're we're gonna have a lot of uh we're mixing it up we're doing cool stuff i'm really excited i hope you're feeling good russell i know you're sad and existential today but uh yeah no i'm feeling great i'm feeling great i i really i felt like we met so many great people this year um i always like it because um i like i like that you do the prep and i have no idea what kind of conversation we're gonna have and uh and sometimes i'm like wow that person's a really interesting person um for the most part i've been delighted and i've had so many so many great conversations

i feel one day we're gonna get a real housewives person and you're gonna you're gonna lead that charge yeah though i think that's the one you'll get nervous you'll be like luann no i don't think so i think there's a i would be nervous if there was like something where i was like oh i'm a huge fan of this thing i feel like with like a housewife thing, I would feel weird that I know, like, you know, I've seen there, there like a little bit when we had Hannah burner on from summer house,

I was like, I've seen this person in reality, but then it feels like when you meet them in real life, it's a totally different thing. It feels like you're meeting an actor. I'm not saying that she was acting. It just like, feels like a thing where a little bit going into it,

you feel a little weird. Cause you're like, Oh, I kind of feel like I know it, you feel a little weird. Cause you're like, Oh, I kind of feel like I know this person, but then you meet them and you're like, Oh, I don't, you know,

I'm, I'm meeting them for sure. What would you say your dream guest is after Louis CK? I, I, I would be, uh, after Louis,

that's, uh, you, um, cause this is like the zoom audio whenever you hear like a weird like the sound isn't quite there that's Russell laughing I think sound waves just can't

pick up that high of a pitch yeah I don't know you know I feel like something that this doing this this past year has taught me or like I've realized is that the best guests we have are like someone i don't know or have a frame of reference for i've become fans of people

after meeting them and thinking they're really funny on the show you did not like having on any of the members of our sketch team jessica chris or douglas because you know them no no we've had all of them on on patreons uh i would love to do i would love to do one of all of us uh i think that that would be really fun that'd be really fun um uh but but in terms of like dream guests of like big name people i don't think i have one because i think if i'm a real big fan, I don't really actually want to meet them. It makes me nervous. And then if I'm, I don't have anyone else that I'm like dying to, I like it when I'm surprised and I'm like,

I don't know this person. I don't know their stuff. And I'm, and they're really funny and interesting. So those are my favorite interviews that we've done. I was going to say my dream guest uh you and that i get to interview brother um let's uh no i want the rock i want jason momoa i want the rock big time i just feel like we want big muscle men big big muscle men fit into the new chairs that I just bought for this fucking place.

I want to guess who breaks the chair over my head because I make fun of The Rock so much. I wanted to slip this one in there. We're getting stand-up heavy now. And this was from Usama. This one just made me laugh so much about Usama's first joke. Usama's such a good comedian and it always feels good to find out a comedian

was not always good. This is Usama Siddiqui. Were you good at school? Yeah. Yeah. I was a G. I was good. But school is just,

how can you memorize? How can you not get kicked out of class? You're gregarious. You're loud. I was a very shy kid. You were a shy kid? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. If I was talking to y'all when I was in high school, high school, 12th grade, I would cover my mouth class you're you're you're gregarious you're loud i was a very shy kid i was a super shy kid get the

fuck out of here if i was talking to y'all when i was in high school high school 12th grade i would cover my mouth because i hated my face yeah if i was if i was crossing in the hallway i would move my head around a lot while saying hi to you so you wouldn't get a visual on who i was when did you get over what your face looks like um this is after i started comedy comedy gave me everything all the confidence it's funny How could you ever start? In the beginning, were you talking like this into the mic? Yeah.

No, no, no. I wouldn't say fucking. I would say fricking because I was so scared to cuss. I was doing only Bin Laden jokes because all I knew comedically. How many Bin Laden jokes did you have? I had...

Bin Laden was so bad. How bad was he? It was that level of okie, you know? What was the punchline to that one? How bad was he? Punchlines? What of okie, you know? What was the punchline to that one? How bad was he? Punchlines? What punchlines did I have? For years, I had no punchlines.

My first joke, Jim Marko, where I would be like, I'd go, hi, my name's Osama Siddiqui, but you can call me Osama bin Laff, and ha ha. I'd do an act out of a grenade pin, throw it into the crowd, be like, ha ha, you're dead. That was my joke. This was my opener for three years pin the amount of like improv grenade pins i've pulled oh dude and i would i would see the trajectory i'd be like i got good at it if that three years doing the same joke i got

you're dead it was so heidi klum would have loved that one uh another great episode usama sadiki uh listen writing good jokes is tough to do yeah um um joe marco something i just realized um we're not recording this so why the fuck have i been sitting upright like framing myself nicely for this whole fucking episode okay we'll put your shirt back on at least keep the shirt on this is uh we don't need to get that loose i just got so angry at you because i was like why am i sitting up uncomfortably for the same reason you don't have mattresses in classrooms because you stay engaged that's so funny um all right well we're coming on uh our final two clips here um i uh feeling i'm feeling good i uh this this uh do i when tova and i were at the spa she had i was telling her about

this episode and she was like oh you should do the best. This has got to stop and the best blessing. And I was like, well, well, here's my unblessing that you told me this halfway through recording this fucking best of episode. Tova has a, Tova has great ideas and,

uh, uh, I need to work on not getting upset with her when she gives me a good idea that I can no longer execute. Yeah. Tova will be like, you know, that episode with Usama,

you should have talked about this. I'm like, thank you, honey. That's so great. No, but don't you feel like it informs you for other things? You're like,

Oh, that's something interesting to think about. I can apply it to something else. Extremely helpful. And that's why I'm glad you're here. You always, when, when you always make sure I sure you defend Tova's side. And I feel like that's a good thing to do.

I'm not defending Tova's side. I am saying you are always wrong in everything you do. Thank God. I mean, I've gotten in trouble maybe, I don't know, four clips where I misrepresented some kind of incident. And there's always a thing like, there's always at some point where she's like, even Russell agreed with me. And I'm like, that's his role on the podcast. That's the job.

We disagree with each other. What's this next clip? Set it up. So this next clip, this is from Mike Racine. And this is another announcement I wanted to make. I just figured it out now. If you join the highest tier cynic, I'm going to send you a free piece of my merch. And this is Mike kind of making fun of me for what my merch is, which hurt my feelings because I respect him comedically.

It really hurt your feelings. I would love to sell merch after a show that felt not like a scam. That felt like your heart was in it. Yeah, it just felt like I'm giving you something. You're like, you'll eat the sauce. It'll be good. You put it in your body. It'll continue your life.

Instead of like, have this cum towel. When you get home, you will never see this again who does that someday somebody does that right I do wow did you see the rage

you don't know my merch you don't know my merch I had to cut Mike off before he was like what motherfucker sells fucking cum towels moisture crunchy it's a bit that I have

they're unused you're a fucking worm I think you have I hate you You have very little time What do you have like a hundred of these? Way more than that You know what's easier to transport than fucking bottles of sauce?

Cum towels You sell these for like 20 bucks? 10 bucks 10 bucks not too bad You can't sell those past a certain age Like if you're selling cum towels You're 40 for like 20 bucks? 10 bucks. 10 bucks, not too bad. You can't sell those past a certain age. Like if you're selling cum towels, you're 40. At like 70, like I don't need them anymore. This is dirty too.

It's got like a, it's like yellow. What are you talking about? Look, there's like a stain on it. Listen, Mike, this is my livelihood. Can we take a break? This is how I make my whole living. This pays for the apartment. Jesus Christ.

I got some cozy. I got some cozy. This is how I make my whole living. This pays for the apartment. Jesus Christ. I got some koozies. I got some koozies. Why don't you go and do shirts? I spent the last 15 years trying to write good jokes and have integrity. I'm trying to be true to myself. You're just selling cum towels. A tale of two comics

making sauce, feeding people, and doing work. How are you going to clean up the sauce when you spill a little? Tiny margins too. My margins are not as good as yours. What do these cost? Some kid in China is making these for five cents. I think they're American

cent. With a koozie place that I use, they give you an option at the end. They said you can either have it come from America and it's going to cost this or come from China and it's going to cost this, or come from China, and it's going to cost this. And they make you click from America to China, and I do every time.

You're welcome, China. But this is American-made. Yes. I don't really care. I mean, Chinese kids deserve jobs. This is an American-made Comtel, you know? What does it say on the tag? It says, uh, made in Pakistan. You filthy liar.

Jesus Christ. I always click the American button. It's 100% cotton. No, no, I said I clicked the China button. Uh-oh. Wait, you're surprised? You're surprised I wasn't invested in the American economy as I figure out my merch out my merch imagine what happens when china like takes over the world and we're doing their manufacturing and your kids are just like the someday that i'm like stitching the moisture

they don't know what it is it's just like chinese lettering but it's yeah some comedians come towels oh um what is the bit Moist or Crunchy it's about it's about great now we're gonna tear apart the bit too it was the idea about

it was about having a wedding registry and they want a whiskey decanter and I own one spoon and then it builds about how I own two towels

one is a hand towel I got for free for joining Chase Bank one's stuffed underneath my air conditioner so so when I shower, I have two options, moist or crunchy. And then I gotta wait for them to sit back down again,

and then I keep going with the... Shut the fuck up, Mike! I didn't say anything. Mike, your comedic opinion means a lot to me. I hold you in high comedic esteem. Yeah. Good. Well... There you go. You're not up to my standards this is shit i want to set these on fire if you want my respect set all these cum towels on fire

let's make a garbage fire let's take the rest of the episode dump these in the fucking fire merch is not respectable um now you're right it. No, you're right. It's not. It's not. And, you know, I tried to sell tomato sauce at shows sometimes, and I was told that I couldn't sell food by, like, you know, the manager. So I was like, what do I do? Do I go on the corner, like, outside the door and try to, you know, move these jars? Yeah.

Yeah. You can't really fly with them. You're right. I did everything wrong. Yeah. fly with them you're right i did everything wrong yeah so those who join the highest tier of the patron you get free of those come towels signed by me and russell daniels with our come we know we could raise that price even higher no i know one person who would pay for that yeah i know exactly one person too um through you oh

my god can you imagine if we had him as a guest uh you'd be really interesting i mean i would definitely want to do it on zoom not in the same location as him but we are talking about the the old man who wanted me to measure my penis and send him the numbers. And I foolishly, I could have just lied. But I was like, I don't. You easily could have lied. I don't even, I don't really know how many inches erect. I don't want to know anymore.

Yeah. I'm content. He'd be a great guest. Do you still, you still talk to him? No, it's been a while. It's been a while. I still got to make a bit about it. But that was a classic example of me falling into the trap of sort of telling a joke

and it was terrible in the telling and felt very sad but that was a great episode with Mike Racine and yes that is the new thing we're adding if you are part of the highest tier of the patron you're going to get a come tell sign by me and Russell we're coming up with this on the fly any new

piece of merch you're going to get for free and someday we're going to have downside come towel signed by me and Russell. We're coming up with this on the fly. Any new piece of merch you're going to get for free. And someday we're going to have downside merch. I don't know what, what you want it to be. Russell, if we should stick with the come towel motif and it's just a towel. No, I don't know.

I don't know. I agree. I hate merch, but it's a necessary evil. Do you have any piece of merch from your bands, your concerts? No, I have some posters like that have been given free, you know, at a concert. It's a necessary evil. Do you have any piece of merch from your bands, your concerts? No,

I have some posters like that have been given free, you know, at a concert, but I didn't, I generally don't buy that. You know, I don't know. Even like t-shirts. I'm like,

I'm less inclined to buy like a t-shirt with a logo like that on it. You know? Um, I like the idea of this towels, your, your face, my face, they can choose which one they want to come on.

I don't love the idea of labeling it as a cum towel. You know, like imagining like telling family members like, oh yeah, you can buy merch, the cum towel. More like, you know, the massage thing that's clearly a vibrator. They're like, this is for your back. Yeah. Be like, this is for those. Hand towels. This is for those small white be like this is for the hand towels this

is for those small white sticky stains gym towels gym towels i like that gym towels yeah uh but we wink as we say it gym towels gym towels yeah uh uh what did you want to say russell nothing i'm i i i'm i'm not comfortable and i i really laid down and I just realized I'm holding my head up now. There's no way to do this and look at you. Well, listen, buddy, you got to figure out a seating arrangement for this room. I know I do. Yeah, get a nice chair or pick a different room. No, it's hard because I don't want to like section off the whole house

so I can do this. You know, it's easier to do in the bedroom. This is better. This is going to be fun. Well, we're coming up on the last clip. It's a long one. So we may just go straight into the music after this this is from the episode with Hannah

Berner where I told the story of the hell casino gig where I performed for a bunch of gun auctioneers Russell do you have time to stay for the clip or do you want to yeah I'll stay you'll stay

all right then we're going to play the clip. This is our final clip. And by the way, for, for any guests that didn't make it, you know, the, this was not an easy thing to select and we weren't picking clips that we

released as videos. So just so all our guests know, I loved every single one of you, except for one. There was one I did not love. And they who shall not be named. And it's not they like it's a non-binary person. I just meant that in a way to not reveal whoever gender it is.

Wait, I wonder if it's the same person I'm thinking of. Well, we're not recording video. So why don't you mouth it to me and I'll tell you if you're right. No, no, no. It was. Wait a second, guys. I'm mouthing this again.

Oh, okay. Good, good, good. I, uh, Oh, we're such cunts.

Uh, we had two different ones. That's so funny. Yeah, that's funny. I mean, that wasn't great either. You're right. You're right.

Alright, this is Hannah Burner. I wanted to talk about this gig that I had. I had a corporate gig, and I'm going to try to stay vague, but this was the... So this is my downside. This was... I don't do a lot of research. It's the most I've ever been

paid for a corporate gig. I was just featuring. It was just 25 minutes. My mom took me it was a casino and uh because you were in california what because you were in california i was well i went to california to do this gig yes it's it's like two hours north of la and my mom drove me i can't drive so it was same yeah no but you you grew up in the area you you deserve it i I don't. Okay. But, so I'm going to the casino and like right before, I'm like doing my last minute research. I'm not going to,

it's 25 minutes. I can fill that anytime. But one or two jokes. Hard to understand what the company is. It's not quite a company. It's like an organization or a group. I'm like reading their bio. Is it a cult?

Not necessarily. Mid-level marketing scheme? So I find the newsletter. find their their newsletter and i just look at the titles and these are the these are the titles verbatim so it goes um are the treatments as dangerous as the virus so immediately i go pause it's like the Mona Lisa face just and I'm in heavy

denial and you know how much they're paying you when it's the certain amount of money you purposely don't do the research

because you don't want to have an excuse it's like a con you know they're conning you but you don't want to believe it

yeah and I've performed for plenty of politically different groups but okay so that was the first one then um then uh sacramento's homeless street vagrants live under separate set of laws and i'm like vagrants i don't like that calling homeless people vagrants um reading about your travel destination has been taken over by wokeness. And I'm like, oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Then to round it out, worry about the intellectual climate, not climate change. And I'm like, fuck, what the fuck am I going into? I'm nervous. I feel guilty.

I was with my mom and I'm like, I was like, mom, I was like, mom, am I a bad person? Should I? And I'm not, I know in my head, I'm not i was like mom i was like mom am i a bad person should i and i'm not i know in my head i'm not gonna leave i'm not gonna leave people deserve to laugh yes well and there were there were weird things happening there so i think they were you know 100 i mean about 800 maybe 600 about 400 cowboy hats not one horse horse. Oh no. And I, again, and my mom and I are the only Jews

in this room, for sure. And so they come up to me and I think the thing is when you're performing for people who disagree with you, they're so sweet to you. They go,

thank you for being here. We loved your video online. Thank you. What video did they see? Who knows? Okay. Maybe it was something you were being ironic

and they thought it was serious. Maybe. Maybe. But they should have, they should have known known sounds like you both didn't do your research there you go and and so so they're so nice to me they're so sweet and i'm like feeling like i i'm like so then i start looking at at at the first first there's a country person playing music on stage sure and he tells me the rundown and he's he's like you know like any good comedy show there's a country person playing music on stage and he tells me the rundown and he's, he's like, you know, like any good comedy show, there's going to be a national anthem and then there's going to be an auction. And I,

I thought you were going to say a prayer. Oh, it was even worse. This felt more like, I would have preferred a prayer. Yeah. For yourself. Please help me get through this without them finding out I'm Jewish.

And, and, uh, I look at the auction list. I'd say about half the auction was for guns. Glock 19, shotguns. And if it wasn't for guns, it was for like training with a former SWAT team leader.

You and a group of eight friends can learn how to barge in on someone you think might have drugs. That's not what it, but I'm saying it was auctioning off guns. They had the person there, a police officer there who would give you your background check at the event. So you like it's like a coveted tespa for guns oh my god

yes a rapid test for guns yes and the glock 19 went for twenty thousand dollars what wow i mean i'm from new york city so i'm very bad with like the rest of the country and understanding i'm a stupid city hick but this is on the coast yeah this is california yeah but california it's outside of la it's two hours out but it's so funny it's on the coast even if you did your research it doesn't sound like you would have known but no i i was yeah i was shooting a general lecture commercial once in california when i remember uh it was outside of california i was with a bunch of blue collar workers and chris christie had just endorsed donald trump this is so 2016 or whatever 2015 and uh i said to the room i was like oh do you see this chris christie just endorsed trump and this older guy

was like what's wrong with that and i was like right i have grown up in washington dc i've been in theater i went to new york i grew up miami i've lived in liberal areas yeah i'm not used to you're being in a room full of people who politically disagree with me on everything it's crazy too like you look at your instagram feed like i grew up in new york yeah i went to madison wisconsin which again very liberal but outside would have been different i'm from park slope that's like yeah they created like granola. So it's, you're seeing this perspective and you have to hear from other people

about like different perspectives too. So you almost feel closed off in your perspective from what you're looking at online, depending on your friendship. Yeah. And I just don't, I just don't know how like,

I didn't have moral, I was thinking the whole time, I was like, what would have to happen for me to not do this gig right now? Like, would they have to start auctioning off clan robes would that be my line yeah i'm like what what would be my line yeah because you keep finding ways to be like well i'm not going to be part of it when i go up there and yeah i can cross burning i'll be off like i'll make jokes and like you know yeah so then i look at the playbill and it says, the comedy portion.

The playbill. The playbill. The comedy portion listing my name and the other comedian is brought to you by Exxon Mobil. So Exxon Mobil

specifically has donated whatever amount of money that was going directly to me. And I'm like, oh my God. You're like a politician.

You're like a dirty politician. You are so bad. Yeah. And that's when I had like posted on Instagram about the event and then immediately I'm like, oh my God. You're like a politician. You're like a dirty politician. Yeah. And that's when I had like posted on Instagram about the event. And then immediately I was like, no, I can't let people know I'm performing. It wasn't required for you to promote it, was it? No, but I thought it was like funny. Like I thought the National Anthem thing was kind of funny.

And then I was like, oh, someone's going to look up this company and go like, yeah, they. But this is the thing. There's a lot of comics out here i feel like who hate their fans sure yeah and you kind of have to be in that mentality we're like or you're one of these comics that they know they're the there's a low income low common denominator that they're hitting on yeah and embrace it yeah and you can't help who thinks you're funny yeah you can't tell your fault that you're so funny in a wide range i know i know and and also it's clean so squeaky clean and but there's part of me that's like i need to take it take one take the piss out of them just once yes for my comic

sensibility yes and i'm nervous and i'm like you know i want my agents to be happy but then there's like but i want to be brave and so so the joke that immediately comes to mind, I have this joke, which I stopped doing because it's on the Amazon thing, is about Titanic 2. There's a guy who's recreated the Titanic, and the joke is,

it's going to go along the exact same route as the original because global warming made it safer. And it's just a small joke, but then, so this, I have the bit. I put it on my little machine. This is, this is what I did. Titanic 2. Did you guys hear about that? This is,

I'm not making this up. I'm not making it up. There's, there's this Australian billionaire, he's recreated the Titanic. It's going to go along the exact same route as the original because the iceberg's got a lot smaller, thanks my sponsor axon mobile and so so it was so journey that laughter storyline they did laugh so they laughed and then they realized they laughed and then like and then the sound started and you're like what was that this is not laughter what is this and then like i i because i think like these white people that was because it's all white yeah they have not been to the apollo before so they haven't i don't think they've booed ever so it's like a baby discovering the word they're like but the best is the initial reaction yeah that's the authentic reaction not when they're like oh shoot my boss is behind me yeah shocked laughter i love that you did that

because there's also a part of you when you have that many people that disagree with your views that you're like maybe if i say the right thing, I could turn them. You're like, maybe if I just put it in a perspective they've never heard, I could get all these people to see my perspective. Yeah. And then one ExxonMobil person

came up to me and my mother and they thought my mom was my girlfriend, which flattered her very much. And said that they, you know, whether they're full of shit or not, they said like, we do believe we're trying these new programs and it's the higher ups.

They kind of blame the higher ups and they were like, we're environmentally whatever. And then my mom who used to be a lawyer was like, oh, it's fine. I used to defend Exxon Mobil. And I was like, mom, God damn it. What the fuck? Oh man. We're a conservative family. Oh my God.

fuck oh man we're a conservative family oh my god i uh i want to say that i'm very proud of myself for bringing up general electric twice in these clips russell are you here russell okay first of all i want to say that to say that was a great joke that I just told. But Russell, so he's on his phone, and I think he thought the clip was still continuing. I absolutely did. There was no time between the clip

and then you talking, and it sounded the same to me. And when you said earlier it's going to be a longer clip, in my mind, I was like, oh, great. Let me go to town. I hadn't looked at longer clip in my mind. I was like, Oh great. Let me go to town. I hadn't looked at my phone in an hour. I'm really getting in there. I was reading an article in the New Yorker.

Um, okay. So I'm back. That was my cohost, Russell Daniels. Um, uh, so yeah,

that was just, uh, I think that was, uh, one of my crazier moments this year. It's been a crazy fucking year, man. Uh, uh, and was just, I think that was one of my crazier moments this year. It's been a crazy fucking year, man. Yes. And so I want to just say in a moment of sincerity,

thank you guys for listening to The Downside. We are, we're growing. Our numbers are definitely up. And I think next year is going to be really good. Russell, I'm extremely grateful to you for all the time you've you've put into this i uh i know you you like podcasts and you hope that we're going to be the next uh bowen and matt we're going to be the bowen and matt rogers for straight people for straights to listen for straight Jews who like to complain. Um, uh,

no, thank you. Uh, John Marco. I've had a lot of fun. I feel like we've gotten a lot closer, uh, through this endeavor. Um,

and, um, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm really enjoying it. And,

um, and thank you for including me and bringing me along. So again, if you're a fan, you feel free to just listen. I know I've been hocking it. And, um, and thank you for including me and bringing me along. So again, if you're a fan, you feel free to just listen. I know I've been hocking it pretty tough, but join the Patreon. If you're,

if you're a true fan, uh, for bonus episodes, videos, uh, extra special goodies. And someday we're going to have downside merch. And I guess we'll end this best of episode.

Uh, Russell, what is your, this has got to stop for today. You know what? Fuck you. This is the downside. One, two, three.

Downside. Downside. Downside. Downside Downside