The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #63 You Should Be in a Coma with Sam Morrison

Episode Date: January 11, 2022

We’re joined by comedian Sam Morrison to discuss being tricked into buying shrooms, having a masseuse clip your toenails unprompted, high school speech and debate, a comedy club hate crime, getting diagnosed with diabetes, and having a hospital lab call you to ask “Are you okay???”, and performing stand-up You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join The Downside Patreon for early ad-free episodes the Friday before they're released on Tuesday, two BONUS episodes a month (AUDIO & VIDEO), + the good feeling inside that you're helping keep my delusions alive. Follow SAM MORRISON on instagram Watch SAM MORRISON's segment on The Drew Barrymore Show Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Fawn Sullivan, Paige Asachika, & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Downside with John Marco Ceresi, Ceresi, Ceresi, coming in hot. Nope, you're not allowed to speak. Welcome to my podcast. Thanks for coming on. I'd love if you wanted to take the reins, we could do a reverse. I like that. That's like, you know, Inside the Actor's Studio, where Chappelle, for the 100th episode, interviewed him. Oh, yeah. And this was before he was transphobic. I think everyone does that. a lot of podcasts i've

seen do the reverse yeah one podcast that i listened to which i won't mention because i'm kind of embarrassed that i listened to it just did that yeah wait which way what is it we can bleep it out i love adding no no no say it as many times as possible and we will bleep out every single one uh Pete Holmes podcast. It's not embarrassing. Sure. Do you listen to the whole – I listen to Pete Holmes. If I do, I always skip past the religion part.

I'm very tired of it. What does that mean? I don't know how the podcast works. Did we hear a beeping? Yeah. Was that you? That's my glucose monitor. That's your glucose monitor. First thing I was like, it was the cameras.

I was freaking out. Yeah. I thought it was too. Okay. I got to say, the headphones are really high quality. And I can hear you. It's just, you're like so much already. Sure.

That's like a human. I'll turn yours down. And then to hear you like right in my ear, it's a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is your glucose okay? I got to check. Wait, how does the phone know? Oh, it's.

Yeah, I guess we'll get right into it. Let me. Hello. I'm sorry. I'm the actual host of this. My name is. Would you shut the fuck up? My name is Sam Morrison.

I'm the host of this. I just had a Comedy Central set come out. And you did. You did. Congratulations. You had a Drew Barrymore set come out, which that's just as impressive. Thank you. Thank you.

This is the downside.'re listening to the downside with john marco cerezi uh who the fuck recorded that douglas goodhart oh my god we just start saying it before the podcast. Everyone always like, who's this? Yeah. I think it's just because like you come inside, everything's the lowest quality it could be. Yeah. And then out of nowhere. No hand towels. You got a band.

No bad coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Happy birthday. Thank you. Thank you. What number is this? That's 27. He's young.

He's young. Oh, okay. He's young. It's 27. Oh, okay. He's young. It's 27. You thought he was old? You thought he was older than me? No, no. I just, you know, some people don't like it.

I mean, in this industry, it's a bold question. Yeah. But on your birthday, I also, I don't really care. I don't want to lie on this podcast. I mean, I will, but I don't want to lie about this. I don't know. I'm not too worried about getting old. I think it's because I have sex with old men, and I think I'll just

have more sex as I get older. Sorry, we don't have to get into that. No, no, no. Do you think, do you ever wonder when you're old, like, will it go back around?

Or they're just going to keep getting older, you think? No, no, no, no. I'm just attracted to like a certain type of guy. So you think at some point you'll be the same age? Do you think at some point you'll be so old people will be like, whoa, you're dating way too young. I mean, who knows? Sexuality is insane.

We don't know anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mine's quite dull. I mean, you could end up being straight. Like, we don't know what will happen. It's all crazy. Do you think there will ever come a point where like, let's say you're 90 and someone's

like, oh my God, you're with a 45 year old? Whoa. Oh my God, I can't wait. Way too young for you. That's going to be a very funny experience. I cannot wait.

Someone calls me the sugar daddy and I'm like, finally! Well, thank you. Thank you for being here. I am glad to have you you I'm happy to be here You're one of my few Stand up

You know friends Yeah That you check in with You share your ups and downs with Yeah no They're hard to come by They're hard And they're hard to maintain

Yep And We did it Yeah And then you know You get jealous You got that Drew Barrymore And I said

I said I can't be friends with this guy anymore. He won't even speak to me anymore. And I didn't. I voted thumbs up today. I said, talk to my people. Talk to Drew. Calling APA. I'd love to get coffee with Sam sometime.

What is it regarding? Just see how he's doing. I sent this to them and they were like, this is an unpaid podcast. This is actually, I asked my mom. She said, what do you want for your birthday? I was like, I want to be an unpaid guest on John Marco's podcast. And she said, I can make that happen. That's really easy.

Anyone can do it, actually. Oh my God. I always get roasty with you. I know, it's fun. I get roasty with those I'm comfortable with. Yeah. You know, I'll get there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll get there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get get there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get roasty. Oh, we get roasty. Oh, he's a dick. We get toasty. Russell will go for the... Oh, really?

What's the meanest thing I've ever said to you? The meanest thing... So I think I said it once. We were... I filmed a sketch series. This was like before I was doing stand-up and Russell was on the shoot day and the last shoot day was on my birthday.

And Russell said to our friends, he said, Jamarco spent his birthday stand-up and russell was on the shoot day and the last shoot day was on my birthday and russell said to our friends he said jamarco spent his birthday just just like he wanted trying to be famous something about like that's how i spent my that's what i want to do hey i did i did shows on my birthday i didn't really do anything for my birthday i got a massage and a facial with my mom and then i did barbershop at night. It was a fun show. So massage, were you lying next to your mom? Or like different rooms? I was like- On top.

On top. Just stacked up. Yeah, yeah. It was really uncomfortable. I actually ended up more stressed out. No, of course we were in different rooms. What kind of question is that? Well, if you're doing a couple's massage-

Yeah, no, we didn't get the couple's massage. But I'm saying like, a couple's massage isn't inherently, you're not like fucking during it you just happen to be in the room you can talk i fuck old men not my mom you gotta make sure sure it was a good massage unbelievable have you gotten one yeah we talked about one where they clipped your toenails while you were yeah the massage yeah um no no more context uh no no i was doing couples massage with my wife and uh they uh all of a sudden we just start hearing clipping and i looked down and and and what do you mean

you just start hearing well i felt it too that before it was it was jarring you know sometimes you're like so like loose and into it. And you're almost verge. It's between sleep and relaxation. So I was in that place. So I didn't recognize that she was doing it. The sound took me out of it first. And she just said too long. She just said too long.

And just cut my toenails. And then went right back into massaging. Which is fair. I don't even know how to get into that. I mean, I have so many questions. Yeah. Why did she have toenail clippers? You know, that is a really good question.

I don't know. Maybe this is something that place did. I also had a friend that never heard of that. She left, she went to a store, bought them. It was so bad. Yeah. She's like, I'm getting cut off. I look like I just picked up a cat. Here's what I didn't like.

It was right near my old place where I lived in Astoria. What a cat. Here's what I didn't like. It was right near my old place where I lived in Astoria. What I didn't like is that it was the rooms. It was in Astoria. Yeah, the rooms weren't separated by walls. They were curtains. It was just toenails. And it was like... That's why she wanted the toenails. Like hospital bed curtains.

Yeah, and my friend, after we went there, he gave us his gift certificate to go there. And then he told me that he was offered a happy ending there at another time. It just was like one of those things where it was like, it wasn't the best massage I've ever had. The masseuse came in and was like, all right, we have two options here. We can either give him a handjob or cut his toenails. And this is a cut the toenails kind of guy.

Well, I think because my wife was there, they were like, well, it's not going to be the handjob. Sure. We're going to just cut the toenails. That's their policy there. I don't know. I don't. Your wife, you were in the same room. Yeah.

It was a couple of times. So you're alone. Your mom's in a different room. But you're doing it at the same time. No toenails or handjob. Yeah. It's so non-Astoria. Would you have accepted a handjob. Yeah. It's so a non-history. Would you have accepted a handjob?

No. Just because you're a mom or just in general? Matter of principle. It was a woman. I'm actually gay. Sure. I also think that if a parent being there, you probably wouldn't, you know. If I was in a different room from my mother, anything's on the table.

Nah, I don't like you. I don't like the way you said it. I don't like the hand-drawn mixture, Mom. I don't like your shirt. I don't like your personality. I don't like your comedy. If it was a man, would you get a happy ending? Oh, sure, but, like, I guess only...

Not... Only if it was, like, a gay... Like, you know how there are, like, gay spas and saunas that are like just orgies. Sure. I don't know if you guys know that. But yeah, there are, you know, there are like gay saunas. If it was like one of those, I would. But if it was an establishment that seemed legitimate, I don't think I would.

Yeah. And I don't think a masseuse, I don't want the masseuse to feel any pressure to have to give me a handjob. Right. That's very considerate. They're doing it for the money. Yeah, but I think, I understand what you're saying.

I think it also, I would feel stressed about, I always feel like a raid was about to happen. You know, it would always feel like I was, I was the part of the sting. Do you know what I mean? The patriots.

I think they'd take one look at me and be like, that guy wants a handjob at the end of his thing, that loser. No, they take one look at you and they say he needs his toes clicked. Can you imagine how embarrassing they rate it? Everyone's busted for a handjob. And you have to go in court and say I was getting my toenails. No, they were cutting my toenails.

No, but you lie. You're like, no, I was getting a handjob. I was getting a handjob. They're like, we have video surveillance. The woman's like, no, I swear to God. He's like, no, no, no. I get it. I get it.

I got it. So you got a facial, massage. Will you do anything at night for your birthday? You do anything fun? I just did shows. You did shows? Yeah, I didn't want to have a whole birthday. I knew it was going to be difficult.

For the set, did you say, it's my birthday? Nope. Good? Nope. Good. Nope. You don't want that easy laugh. You don't want to lube it up. I didn't want to make a thing of it, my birthday. I just, I knew it was going to be difficult.

It was the first one without Jonathan, and so I just wanted to kind of play it easy, get through it. And honestly, I had a great night i went out for drinks afterwards with friends i had a good set i got a new joke to work oh very nice but then i'm you know excited about so that's kind of as good as it gets were you able to have any any desserts because of the diabetes oh no i well yeah that, yeah. For that transition. Pretty good. Pretty good. Before we get to it, we had a seamless transition with the glucose monitor.

He was like, we're going to race by that. No, no, no. We can't get into it. Five minutes later, I'm going to ask. We got to introduce. This is the downside.

This is a place where we celebrate negativity. We let people complain, kvetch, all that shit. And if you enjoy the show, I was at a show in D.C. and there were a lot of people who listened to the podcast, but not subscribed to the Patreon.

And I don't understand it. I mean, because it's free, you see. Yes. Well, so if you do dig it, go to the, it's patreon.com slash downside. You get two bonus episodes a month, someday four, two bonus episodes a month someday for two bonus episodes a month a video of those episodes extra little little goodies along the way early episodes ad free episodes check it out patreon.com slash downside i just want to say i was in dc yeah and

um it was normally i go for the for the weekend and uh by the way this episode's coming out like i think this is the first of the new year so just in mind we're not recording this right after thanksgiving um yes but normally i go home and i i the reason i do this weekend is because after thanksgiving all these all these people come uh it's all right all these all these uh friends from my middle school and high school come but this was this was like totally the first year where when i reached out to all of them i was like hey you going home for thanksgiving and they're like we have our own home now oh and our and i was like do you oh do your parents want to come they're like yeah our parents are coming to our home in connecticut okay we can't get a babysitter and i was like i'll babysit i can cancel the gig and uh it was just like definitely when i go home and see those people, is everything okay? Yeah. Sorry.

Sorry. No, that's fine. But when I go home late, I really get a, Oh, you guys, the majority of my classmates have husbands or wives have kids are about to

have their second kid. And like all of them, like in New York, it's like one or two friends that they met there. They met their partner super early. So maybe that's why. But when you go home, it's just everyone is following along this very specific trajectory.

I don't like that part of 27. You are in a person with responsibilities. Obviously not in our career. Yes. But for most people. Sure. Also, it's weird not being at the apex of your physical ability. start also like it's weird not being at the apex of your physical ability it's weird that nfl players are considered old yes uh-huh at my age yes yeah yeah and i'm like you're you're not

considered old as a comedian until you're 7 000 years old yeah and i've done 8 million road gigs and 15 years of being pooped on at a basement of a comedy club. But our bodies start falling apart now. That's why it's hard for me to actually connect to sports in a real way because I'm like, these people are children

and they're useless almost immediately. LeBron James is my age. He's like 34. No, really? Yeah, something like that. Isn't that wild? Isn't that wild? They all seem older than you because you're like, oh, they're adults.

But LeBron should be like a 50-year-old who's built this for years. He's like 34. He has too much power, too, to be just 34. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know 34 is something, but he is kind of the president. Yeah, look up at how old he is kind of the president yeah look out look up how old he is um but one thing that happened lebron james his age is currently 36 oh wow uh so here's one thing that happened i did want to say a downside about this show so someone comes up to me after the show

and i went to i went to school with them we weren't friends or anything but she's come to these shows the last couple years and she said hey said, hey, do you want shrooms? Yeah. This is at my merch table. And Tova always wants me to do shrooms. Yeah. And I've always been, it's okay. I've always been on the fence about doing shrooms.

Yeah. But so she's offering it. I'm like getting cash from people. So I'm feeling a little loose with money. And I was like, how much are they? And she's like 60 total for two eighths. Wait, this is a friend of yours. Someone I know from school. Okay. And she's trying 60 total for two eights. Wait, this is a friend of yours. Someone I know from school.

Okay. And she's trying to sell you shrooms. Yeah. Yeah. So it wasn't a goodwill like, well, okay. So yeah,

yeah, no, no, not, not to do the night. She's just like, I have a home. I have a little,

you know, whatever in my apartment. Do you want them? And I'm like, let me think about it. So I go back to sign merch. She comes over suddenly while I'm doing merch. She like clearly two bags of shrooms

and like tucks them into my merch bag and like kind of walks away and she's like I'm just gonna put something over here and then walks away so for a second I thought

oh how nice she decided to give me the shrooms for free no oh no then she comes back once I'm done with the merch I don't like this

this is how much of a fucking sucker I am she's like so it's $60 and I'm like she just came. I don't like this. This is how much of a fucking sucker I am. She's like, so it's $60. And I'm like. She just came to your show to do it, like to make money from you. She definitely made a profit off that show. Holy shit.

My tickets were not $60. Yeah, how much were the tickets? Definitely not $60. And so like. If you're listening. Is she listening? Does she listen to the podcast? I doubt it.

I doubt it. She's probably in Ibiza or the Bahamas on this money she's a go-getter drug dealer she's a go-getter but that's the thing she's forcing people to buy drugs from her

and it felt so humiliating because she like saw me like on stage and you when you're on stage it's like you like you have control of the room and then right after

she fucking like plays me like a fiddle yeah because I didn't have the strength to be like oh no no no no no here you go you can have them back

you know I need to think about this yeah now I have one fourth of mushrooms to be like, oh, no, no, no. No, no, here you go. You can have them back. You know, you paid for it. I need to think about this. Yeah. You paid for it. Now I have one-fourth of mushrooms in my house. I don't know. And you don't do mushrooms a lot.

Well, Tova really wants to do them with me, and I keep thinking, but then I get scared. All of a sudden, I ask my brother, who's done shrooms, I guess. I was like, how do you know these aren't the mushrooms that kill you the second you eat them? And he's like, they're not. But I'm like, but there are mushrooms that do that. And he's like, but why would she do that to you the second you eat them. And he's like, they're not. But I'm like, but there are mushrooms that do that.

And he's like, but why would she do that to you? But I'm scared. I think you should have gave him them back. Me too. And I would think you're a person that would have the confidence to be able to do that and not be worried about what she thinks of you. I have that worry. It's like when someone's being nice to me, For me to like go like No no you're gonna

Not like me Especially cause you're Selling merch You're in that Like show mood Where you're like Trying to make everyone A fan

Yes And it's And she came to my show She came to my show She really suckered you It really seemed like I Like people give me

Free drugs after shows I don't wanna say All the time Yeah All the time Yeah But quite often Also

I mean even If it's like how you're paid for a spot but also like your fans of are like do you want to go smoke a blunt after the show almost is like a tip oh yeah happens quite often i'd rather have two bags implies that it was 30 dollars and she wanted you to just have two bags here's where i fucked up when she told me like do you want shrooms i was like oh my girlfriend's always wanted me to do shrooms with her. She's like, boom, double. Double the order I'm going to make him take.

Wow. So subscribe to the Patreon. Yes, please. It goes directly to my drug habit. You guys, you need to subscribe to the Patreon. He doesn't have hand towels. I know. He just has the big towels that he used to wipe his

hairy asshole and then I have to use that as a hand towel. And then I asked him why and he said, well, I have a joke about it. About not having any hand towels. And then I have a joke about having hand towels. I'll get it. I got a lot of things to do. I'm growing up. You, Sam did.

You're the Brad James' age. You're growing up. Get an NBA title. When I was thinking of the podcast idea, Sam did You're the Brad James' age You grown up Get an NBA title When I was thinking Of the podcast idea Sam did my first Test episode

For Theater Kid Oh my god I forgot about that My original I think I'm gonna put it on Never release it I think I'm gonna put it On the Patreon

Oh no It was a good episode It was? What did we talk about? We talked about your speech and debate Oh yeah You used to do speech and debate And you wouldn't You really did not want to give me a video of you doing speech and debate oh yeah

i sure i will oh good yeah yeah honestly i don't i don't have it it was on my old computer and i i don't i don't have that video anymore yes i know it sounds like i'm lying but it's very interesting because like he was one of those where like his introduction into theater and performing was that speech and debate and you watch some of it and it's like it's border interesting because he was one of those where his introduction into theater and performing was that speech and debate. And you watch some of it and it's like it's borderline acting class. There were like scenes. Yeah. I mean, there were no acting coaches.

No one told you it was acting. But it was acting. What was one of the duets you did? What did you call them? Duos. Duos. We called them duo. Yeah.

My freshman year, we did Frankenstein. What you're supposed to do is you're supposed to take a whole script, turn it down into like 10 minutes using the actual script. But like we weren't good at it. So we kind of cheated and we just like kind of summarized and threw in some of our own lines. We also like, I don't know, we weren't doing the work that you're supposed to. Yeah.

Anyway, we made it down into 10 minutes and you just act out the whole play in 10 minutes without looking at each other or touching each other, which is like theater. It sounds like a weird intro to acting theater thing that you would do. It feels like theater for straight people. I know not for you, but it feels

like a version of theater that's a little bit less or a little bit more academic. Yeah, it's really funny because you can't look at each other. It sounds like a straight guy was like, I want attention, but I don't want to look. I don't want to have any emotions while I'm looking in someone's eyes. I don't want to touch one of these gay dudes. I just want the spotlight.

Were you good? I mean, I was above average average but for how hard i tried i mean i got some big trophies but to be honest like one through seventh place got big trophies i wish i had one trophy from from shooting in a camp oh yes sorry i killed the most kids yeah it. It sounds like that. But that was it. Like I didn't have a thing that gave me trophies and I was jealous

of my soccer friend. He had trophies. You had trophies all in your house? Oh I had huge trophies. Did your mom build a shelf? Like a trophy shelf? Where did you put them?

No. That's something my mom would do. Very coddled as a child. But no we threw them all out. You did? Yeah. We like were trying to sell the house and

that was the first thing now and we never sold the house and we still have the house and i guess we could have kept the trophies pam wow pam what the fuck pam uh what was what was the best uh what do you call it what the fuck pam welcome to the downside it's called speech and debate speech and debate speech and debate yeah and there's a league there's a national league you know what it's called what the national forensics league which abbreviates to nfl hey isn't that ironic was that a joke that everyone made back then no actually i just thought of it now really um what what was the what was the best thing you did for it like anything you were proud of anything you look back and you're like i did good in that

i really was such as actually you know uh kanice mobley has she done this yes she was like our fourth episode yeah so we wrote a script together and it was called speech and debate it's based off of this based off of speech and debate our experience in speech and debate it's based off of this based off of speech and debate our experience is that we both took it way too seriously and kids got way too competitive and we did and it became our whole lives and it was like it like taught us how to be like type a competitive artists instead of like artists that make art for what you're passionate about sure but it also gave you a i think it's good good to be that artist i know plenty of artists who are getting defensive no because i want to i want to depend you for being a type a oh you know you figure out the art later you sell it first figure it out

later that's my strategy i guess it was sort of like the businessy side yeah not businessy but you know what i mean where like you're you're really focused on trophies that's what speech and debate tells you is focus on winning like and you have coaches our school didn't have coaches but there are other like bigger schools sometimes private sometimes public that had like coaches and the coaches would teach the students just how to get into first place but it was very what's the goal? I guess I still don't understand. And we talked about this on when we did the podcast. Is it a cool theatrical piece?

Is it a perfect representation of the play? What is it? Where does the debate part come in? Great questions, guys. I'd say it's mostly just to finally give straight men a spotlight. That's great. Yeah. I should go back and do this.

I would have had a lot more success. There's no, they do have it in college. There is in college. But then there's nothing after. There are actually scholarships. For speech and debate. For speech and debate. And I think you can get like a full ride. There was a kid from my high school.

He got it for debate. So there's speech and debate. Do people go on to be lawyers? What is the career goal? Did you ever see the debate thing? Because the debate kids, I remember, they were all – I took Latin, and I was the dumbest. But the smart ones did debate. And here's how the debate would sound like this.

They would move boxes of papers all the time. And then the debate would be like – they would talk as fast as they could. Like auctioneers. Yes. Exactly. That's what I mean about they're trying to win rather than they're trying to. Because what they're doing is they're just trying to literally say as many contentions as possible. So that the other person has to cover all of those contentions.

And if they run out of time without covering all of them, you win that contention. What kind of questions were they debating? Anything like heavy? Like abortion? It depends on the topic. God, I really I remember more about this than, well probably because I just wrote the script so I kind of had to go back to it. Was that part fun? Do you remember

any debates where you defended something you cared about? I didn't debate. I did oratory and duo. It was more, I wrote like a speech and I performed that and then I did like a duo and I performed that. Do you have any footage that we can put into this episode it would be fun again I don't

how is that possible I have pictures how is that possible you're acting like I have every time I was on a stage I have it on DVD VHS MP4 he's like I have my SNL retrospective edited and ready to go no I did mock trial

and that but it was like what was funny about that is that the kids who were like maybe a little smarter maybe a little more our lawyers now they were like the lawyers and then kids who were like me i was a just a witness so it was like my part was just like pretty memorized and like you'd have to go and then you, you know, what was the crime? Wow. I don't remember. I don't remember anything about it.

Did you act it well? Like, did you, well, I had a mock trial. Like you go in like, Oh, you're,

you're, you have, you're cross examined by the defense who you're going against. You're like Kyle. You're a witness for the prosecution. So you're like, so like, I don't want to say something that'll hurt the case.

Sure. So I had to do improv in those things.'t want to say something that'll hurt the case. Sure. So I had to do improv in those things. You know how good I am at improv. Russell is very bad at improv. I feel like dramatic improv,

I think, could be funnier. You're like good. It's like one of those things where if you broke through that wall, I believe in your abilities. Well,

so, I think if you had a couple hours to prepare, you'd be great at improv. I just remember, though, it was a lot of practices where there was nothing for the witnesses to do. We would just sit there and be like. And the lawyers had to go all over. All sorts of things.

There was a lot more work for them. It is funny where they're like, these kids are trained to be lawyers and you're training to witness a crime. So, sorry. I do. I am fascinated with the diabetes. Yeah. Because I just feel so rich. It's, can you tell me when, it happened recently.

Can I check my blood sugar? Yeah, you absolutely can. I think that's a good way to start. Yeah, sure. I have to do this. It's a great excuse for when you're on your phone and you're actually just on grinder and people are like get off your phone and then you're like i have diabetes i'm checking my glucose monitor wow you simpleton i'm gonna start doing

that one at the dinner table yeah my mom my mom be like yeah mama didn't tell you um honestly all you need is one of these things which which is, I can't show you because I have a sweater on, but it's a glucose monitor. It's connected to your phone. It's connected to her phone. It's right here. It's attached to you with a needle. Oh, I refer to myself as she in the third person.

Oh, okay. Still gay. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Not actually because I identify as a woman, just because I'm annoying. Right, Right okay that's fine You think it's annoying Russell Russell unbelievable I said that's fine Oh you are bad at improv

No and So you could audit I have like extra ones of these I've thought about this I tried to make it into a joke It didn't work But like you could take one of these And just put it on you

And go home to Thanksgiving with your mom And be like sorry I'm checking my blood sugar. I have diabetes. Show her a glucose monitor attached to you. I can attach one to you. I could see kids like doing that in schools and it becoming like a problem. Oh, my God. That's so true.

I love it. Make it a TikTok trend. So you, how, when did you find this out? How long ago? July, like 16th, 17th 7 i was in the hospital like july 16 17 i wasn't like diagnosed until later because i had to do like tests but i knew is this diabetes two part one part one i love the way you said it diabetes two what's the type two is usually how people say it but i love that you were just like it's diabetes part two uh so it's one it's one yeah and when did you what did you feel that made you suspect it

uh the symptoms are you pee a lot your dry mouth i had like a weird taste in my mouth i was fatigued all the time i was like you know you was the p different was it? Because there's, you know, the famous Patrice O'Neill bit. Von DeCarlo, who was Patrice's girlfriend. Yeah. Oh, you didn't know that? I had no idea. Yeah, yeah. And Patrice had a bit. He found out he had diabetes because he was peeing on her.

And she said, baby, your pee tastes like birthday cake. And that's how he found out. God, yes. We got to have have on the podcast um that is the best diabetes joke ever heard yeah wow so that's how i'm just processing so much right now yeah yeah also he pees on she she gets i think it's funny because you have you have some pee bits too yeah that's true same same really like like, you have a peeing. Is it you peeing on someone or someone peeing on you? Someone peeing on me.

Someone peeing on you. And it's like. But I'm coming out right now. He boldly goes up there. It doesn't matter. There could be kids in the front row. He doesn't give a fuck. And he'll make it work.

But you see it. It's one of those bits where I'm like. When are we doing shows with kids in the audience? LOL. Oh, well, who gives a fuck about LOL? LOL. Do you know that they moved out of LOL? They moved to the gay bar.

They left that space. So they went to the gay bar, which looks like LOL, but it says XOXO. I don't know. And then it just has a screen playing Lil Nas X all day. And that makes it a gay bar. And that makes it a gay bar. And that makes it a gay bar. Could you tell that story?

Could I tell what story? The LOL story. Oh, yeah. I've never told that before. I would love to hear it. It was a... Oh, boy. I just got like the...

Yeah. You know, the stomachy thing. Is that a diabetes thing? No, no. Uh, you know, the stomachy thing. Is that diabetes thing? No, no. Yeah, I know. Yeah.

Uh, so LOL, we've talked about it before. It's a club I, I love. I still work. Uh, but we have to tell stories about it.

Cause it's, I mean, this is, I think, I don't know if I want to like publicly shit on them. Well, okay. So this isn't at LOL.

This is a different club. Sam and I work in the city. I'm saving this one for the memoir, baby. Oh, really? It's a really good story. Well, okay, so this isn't at LOL. This is a different club Sam and I work in the city. I'm saving this one for the memoir, baby. Oh, really? It's a really good story. No, it's not a good story. It's a sad story. It's a sad story. But like, it's a very, it's a very like... Someone hate-crimed me and you're like,

it's a fun one! John Marco! It's a good one! I wasn't there that night. I'm trying to get Patreon subscribers! Tell them! I... Yeah. You want to say that? It's a... I mean, I wasn't there that night I'm trying to get Patreon subscribers Tell them I Yeah You want to say that? It's a I mean

I'll just Like the I'll do the summary Sure Basically I was just Like I was performing I was bombing

It was a 2am show People were very drunk Couple guys in the back Called me a faggot Screamed it And then everyone Was on their side which like that's the thing that's the thing and then they all started like chanting and chanting

no no no not that but just like cheering for me to get off stage and uh and they did oc run up no uh i had to finish my set there was no one in the room yeah that's the other i was like that's the other i was like trying to get out but i was like i don't i mean of course i should have just ran but there was something in my stupid two years into comedy brain where i was like no i have to be a man and finish my set it's like we're trained as were you digging were you like were you like were you like pivoting to like different like different material or were you like no fuck you fuck you. I'm going to do all my. I looked, I found a woman in the front row and I talked to her and I had lost control of the crowd completely. So I just talked to her and I was just like, I don't even remember what I said.

Just be like, oh, hey miss, what's your name? Could you call 911? All right. Moving on over here. Yeah, exactly. That's horrifying. And then eventually the host. The host came back.

I like escaped yeah who was hosting um I don't remember and John McQuigley you didn't do anything I was not there that night

okay I absolutely would have I absolutely would have done something you would have gone up there they would have called you a faggot too enough

enough with the gays that would be very funny and when it got to the end stop it he's my friend but one of those things Enough, enough with the gays. That would be very funny. And when I go to the man, stop it, he's my friend. But one of those things, I mean, definitely, I always think about it because I think about, to say the word, the privilege of, when you go to these clubs where it says tourists from all over the world, I think,

and I'm sure this is naive as a straight guy, where I think the world's more progressive than it is and then you go to these where people are from all over the world and you're like no homophobia is the standard yes here and in many parts of the world and i think about that in terms of the clubs you you might tour and and all this all the kind of stuff where there's certain spaces where I have a joke. I have a joke about the musical theater camp where a guy sucked my dick. And I can feel just telling that story that people are laughing, laughing, laughing.

And the moment that my dick is in his mouth, I see a certain swath of people go, what the fuck is going on right now? And I'm like, oh, you can't even. To me, it's wild. I mean, it's insane, you can't even, to me it's wild. I mean, it's insane that they can't, but that's just a huge chunk. And it was hearing about that story from you, and I know it was very traumatic, just I think it reminded me

of the privilege of not ever having to think about that as I go around America and LOL. Did you feel when that was over over did you feel scared to do comedy for like in certain spaces or did you feel strong or like fuck everybody i i remember i i played it off i like i just like it was so weird i just like went home and i told jonathan and he was like horrified and i was like no it's fine it's just like what happened when you're a comedian and I was like and then like two months later I was like this is really this really fucked with me and like you know going back there and performing again took me you know a little while and like yeah just like kept thinking about it what do you think if you're the comic

you are now and you're in that situation would you just leave the stage we just got i'm out of here yeah oh absolutely oh absolutely i would say uh fuck you guys and i would walk out yeah it's very it's very tough once you get up there you you know those rules in your head just establish themselves you're like well i can't just leave yeah eventually you realize like you can't it was Were you getting paid? Probably not. Probably not. No, I wasn't. And the bouncer is out there hitting on a lady? Yeah. Kendall. I mean, I don't know.

Oh, no, no, no. The bouncer, he was just hitting on. The only time I ever saw him really take action was if someone wasn't paying their bill. But I remember one time there was some couple that they looked in rough shape. And I said something about Steve Buscemi on meth. about um steve buscemi on meth you look like steve buscemi on meth and it was pretty accurate and he got mad he left and then as i was leaving he like rushed up to me and the security guard was like flirting with this person right there as this guy like ran right in my face you never have you so rarely have

good security at any of these clubs absolutely yeah which i mean is is part of the reason why you feel scared when anything happens yeah yeah like that because you know that like the club is not a real club and you're just performing in a room in times square yeah and there's no one coming to help yeah and there's a lot of people if anyone were to i always think if there's ever like a fire or something at least in this space it's so crowded crowded. Just, it would be tough to get out if everyone was trying to leave. There was a fight that broke out there once that where the security guard did, like someone's mom

went on stage and I forget who said it was. Casey Aurora got it all on film. Someone's mom like sat on the stool and wouldn't leave. Oh, I remember this. And then Kendall like tried to like take care of it. then the mom slipped and then the mom's son like acute like thought it was the security guard who did it and attacked him and

man when he wanted to do something he was a good security guard and he just like side swiped this kid and fucking knocked him over and uh yeah it's fun to watch. Well, thank you for sharing that. Yeah, of course. This is the downside. Oh, let's take a commercial break. Kick off an exciting football season with BetMGM, an official sportsbook partner of the National Football League. Yard after yard, down after down, the sportsbook born in Vegas gives you the chance to take action to the end zone and celebrate every highlight reel play.

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Back to the beaties. This is the thread. Because like diabetes, it's always there. Always. Incurable, baby. So you're peeing. You're feeling exhausted. Yeah.

And one day you're just like, okay, this is going. No, I had a regular checkup scheduled with my doctor. I honestly, I thought it was grief. So I didn't like think twice about it. Of course. And then I checked in with my doctor and she was like, I'm going to test for diabetes, but you don't have diabetes. You're 26.

You're healthy. You don't have a history of it. And then your family doesn't have a history of it and then your family doesn't have a history of it my grandma on my dad's side does have uh did have diabetes but usually you need like a direct connection you need like a brother father mother but so she was like you you don't worry about it but i'm gonna test and then the next day the um i actually have a joke about this which is partly true. The, um, what actually, well, the joke is the doctor called me and was like, you should,

you have a coma. You should go to the, you should be in a coma. Your blood sugar is so high. Go to the hospital. And I was like, uh, like what she said, uh, why can't I remember the joke right now? Isn't it weird? You tell a joke off stage and something's different. I can't I remember the joke right now? Isn't it weird? You tell a joke off stage and suddenly you're like, something's different.

I can't do it. Like there's one little thing off and you're like, I'm useless. I can bring you on stage. We can recreate this. Yeah, yeah. If you could just say from the Drew Barrymore show and then I'll be perfect.

From Banana Bores. But the joke is that I was, she said it very intense and like the way she said it made me want to be like she was like you should be in a coma go to the hospital like the way she said it made me want to be like bitch you don't know me okay i should be in a coma i should be on broadway doctor but what actually happened is the because there's like a separate there's the doctor and then there's the the lab and the lab person called me and was like hey are you okay and i was like that's can you imagine getting the call from the lab they'll give you the results they're like we don't have time to call the doctor we don't have time to call the doctor we have to call this person cut out the middleman. Call them directly. Exactly. That is terrifying. Yeah.

I was like, I thought I was, right? Yeah. Before you said, are you okay? So you said, yeah. It's like when you're bombing and an audience member is like, you're doing well. And you're like, oh, I guess I'm not. You know? Oh, my God. So they call and you say, what?

You say, yeah, what's up? Yeah, pretty much. And she said, your blood sugar is very high. You should go to the hospital. And she told me it was like 4, I think 98 at the time, which of course I was like, 498 points, not bad. Yeah, but what's a good number? An average is 70 to like 120.

Wow. So yeah, it was really high. So I say, wow, like it's hard to know. It's hard to contextualize. That's five times. That's five times. I'm sure. I think five,

if you were like your limit, your alcohol level was five times the amount of the legal limit. I'd be like, wow, that's the legal, you know, is 120. Or your average weight is five times the average weight.

I'd be like, wow. Like I'm just, it's not a crazy response, John Marco. Yeah, John Marco. He's trying to empathize. You're like, oh, you're supposed to have 2,000 calories a day. I had 10,000. Wow.

Yeah. That's like seven great examples in a row. There was a hair. It took you a hair to make that math calculation that I saw. I'm very good at math. You know that about me. I'm very good. I did have a hair. It took you a hair to make that math calculation that I saw. I'm very good at math. You know that about me. I'm very good. I did have a question.

You're 27. Is type 1, is that later on to be? I feel like I know people in my life that I know have type 1 diabetes, new since they were like kids. Yes. Like is it later on to be diagnosed with that sort of thing? Most people get it, but it's actually more common than they originally thought to get it at like oh okay uh it's called juvenile diabetes which is the other name for it and this was the joke that worked last night was i have juvenile diabetes which is a compliment my agent was like yeah i'm

not putting you out for high school auditions anymore. And I was like, well, my pancreas thinks I'm nine. So, uh-huh. I like that. And that worked, and I was excited about that. But, yeah, I mean, it is more likely that you get it when you're a child. But, yeah, it's very weird. Your pancreas just, like, stops working. Just out of nowhere. So you go into the hospital, and what kind of tests do they do next?

I went to the hospital the next day. I went to the hospital the next morning. I went to the hospital the next morning. I stayed the night. Were you freaking out? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Because I kind of knew. Because the doctor was like, we're going to test for this.

And then she said, your blood sugar is that high. And then I Googled, what does that mean? And they were like, Google was like, you should be in a coma. Were you scared you were going to make it through the night? Yeah, yeah. I wasn't sure. I dreamed that I went into a coma. Oh, my God.

Yeah. What was the dream? Like you were just in a coma and your friends came by? They were like, you fucking idiot. You wake up, loser. That'd be me. Hello. Marco came by.

Oh, let me see your type five now, huh? Who's going to win the New York Comedy Club competition now? 498. That's what I'm sick of. What does that mean? Yeah. They came by and they were like, 498, loser. So you go to the hospital.

Do they do another blood test or are they like, okay, this is what it is. Here's what we need to do? Oh, God, those few days are such a blur. It was so many different doctors telling me so many different things. What was the primary fear? Was it, fuck, I'm not going to get to eat in an enjoyable way anymore or was it i'm going to die young what was the primary fear as you're figuring all this out both yeah i mean i yeah i mean that was the question that like everyone was avoiding which is like what's the life expectancy like what's what does this mean for like long term and what is what is it ultimately it's complicated um

i think the good news is if you can control your blood sugar you can postpone the effects and potentially eliminate them if you can keep your blood sugar in a normal range. I mean, it's virtually impossible to keep your blood sugar in as normal of a range as you guys who have working pancreases. So, and like I'm not, I mean, right now my A1C, which is like a, and you guys don't know what I mean, but my A1C was like seven three seven four and you need your a1c like five five below it's like a normal one oh my god that's i'm not i gave up on the riff but that was a good one. So does it get worse as you get older?

Does it get harder to maintain that balance as you get older? No, it doesn't get harder to. Well, probably. I don't really know. I would assume. Well, first of all, the longer you have it, the better you know your body. Like, I have no idea what's going on still. Like, the other day I had a bowl of white rice and it fucked me up but now i know white

rice raises my blood sugar an abnormal amount yeah so like you know you learn also i'm in something called honeymoon right now which is i mean there's a lot of clinical thing terms that i've learned over the past three months you told me the honeymoon thing though tell oh i did it's like you're so so type one diabetes, your pancreas just stops working completely. When you start to like inject yourself with insulin, which I'm doing, your pancreas learns a little bit.

And so you are in this weird phase for like, I don't really know how long, but I guess it could be like anywhere from a couple months to like maybe even a year or longer where your pancreas is creating a little bit of insulin infrequently inconsistently and so everything that you do you're like basically like you're not you're not getting good data in this period like everything's gonna change with probably by next year like how how everything affects me. That's what the honeymoon phase is. But you said, I think when we had lunch,

you said there was some possible medication that would extend the honeymoon period. There was something you were looking at? I was going to be a part of a clinical trial that attempted to do that. And you guys know what a clinical trial is? Yes. I don't know.

You're both so dumb. So a clinical trial is. Do you decide not to do it? Nope. They cancel. Oh, they postponed it. But I have a feeling they're going to cancel it. And I don't know if the study is going to resume in time for me because I'm in honeymoon still.

But something came out in the New York Times literally yesterday that I don't want to get my hopes hopes up but there was a guy who was like cured of diabetes but it was one guy and of course like all the way at the bottom of the article yeah of course jeff bezos figured out at the bottom of the article they're like and we're gonna need to do this extended over time for the next five years to figure out if it's safe and then extend that to this many more people and then within 300 years we'll be able to cure type 1 diabetes. And it's like, fuck these sensationalist headlines because I read that and like

I'm freaking out. Yeah, I feel like it would be because I'm sure there's updates on diabetes. I'm sure there's diabetes studies done all over the world and there's all sorts of things. So many. Most of them are type 2. I see. Like, do you feel type two? I see. Yeah.

Is there any part of you that like you'd need to detach from like Googling about and getting your hopes up and getting your hopes down? Yeah. I mean, well, I, I like, you know me,

I'm a very intense person. When I first got diagnosed, I was like, I'm going to learn everything and I'm going to cure this thing myself. Yeah. But I just try to learn as much as i can because it is a disease where you manage it yourself like you give yourself insulin you're constantly you're like your own little nurse and so if you're a better nurse you're gonna

be healthier and live longer yeah so i was very intense about trying to learn everything is there any food and then i burned out and now i'm not as much sure i imagine that's most people's trajectory like there's some is there any food that it's really tough for you that you don't you won't eat anymore or that you wish you could eat the way you're used to like so just things you can take insulin to match anything i'm just gonna keep saying it's complicated um all right uh basically like if you can figure out how many units of insulin you need to eat a birthday cake that is a hundred carbs and you can match that perfectly then you can do it and i can have it without any consequence just like you guys but the more amount of insulin that you give yourself the higher the

risk is because if i fuck up 10 when i'm giving myself 40 units of insulin then i'm gonna go way up or way down the margin for error is less but if i give myself two units of insulin and i fuck up it's only going to change my blood sugar ever so much how so it just depends on how risky you're feeling how soon do you have to give the insulin to yourself before you eat the cake depends on the timing depends on the food depends how much protein that is very tough food you take one bite it tastes like shit and you're like fuck i gotta eat the rest of the cake that day there's a million variables so that's why it's impossible for me to be as good

as you guys but you can learn and figure it out and also isn't there wouldn't there in theory also be like because I've heard of like there's all sorts of issues with people having insulin and being insured and like in theory if you're having to use

more insulin for stuff doesn't that cost more to lit like just yes to be living because i'm in honeymoon i need very little amounts of insulin so i have the opposite problem i might i pick up prescriptions i've got a lot of extra insulin yeah okay wow but yeah it's a fucking night rooms for insulin yeah what is it coming deal like a bottle? Yeah, well, a pen. It depends on how you get it. I thought you were going to say

like it's complicated. I was like, what the fuck? No, I know. I'm sorry. Is there any... It comes in a popper's bottle. Ooh.

Was there any getting used to... So are you giving yourself shots? Yeah. Was that a weird thing to start doing or... Oh, yeah. were you just like, Oh, totally.

Oh, I mean, imagine giving yourself a shot. It's like the weirdest thing in the world. Very weird. Are you, can you, does it,

does it bother you at all now? Like if you go in for a flu shot, are you like, whatever? I get this every day. Oh yeah. The flu shot doesn't bother me as much, but like the,

I'm still not used to like giving myself injections. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking weird. And you have to look at it. You have to look, that's the thing. You got to look right at it. me as much but like the i'm still not used to like giving myself injections yeah yeah it's fucking weird and you have to look at it you have to look that's the thing you gotta look well yeah it's not a big needle it's a very small needle okay um i mean i can show you guys but this is actually a podcast well we're filming it what sorry what that's like poor christian finnegan and halfway through I was like

you have something in your teeth for all this whole video it was brutal I know I thought you weren't filming it because of the way you were dressed

but apparently I just took a very long Megabus I'm so sorry what take that Amtrak I know it really is

so fucking stupid that you did Megabus I know it's just like it's $50 versus like $250 it was expensive no it's not if you book it far enough in advance

it's like it can be like $12 $12 yep the Amtracs are great $12 I don't know if I've gotten a 12 but like under $20

sure I feel like I've gotten a 12 though have you seen a $12 Amtrak I don't I don't know if I've ever I think I've gotten a $12 Amtrak there was one part like earlier this year where there

was a $25 ticket i was like god damn 25 is beautiful uh this is a huge broad question but you've obviously had probably the most intense induction induction into the american medical system this year induction like you've just dealt with like every fucking facet of fda approved things the medical system what's what's your biggest complaint about the america what's what's the biggest problem in your mind with the things that you dealt with this year yeah i don't know next question yeah i just remember seeing you on twitter like looking about like medical studies and I just thought it was so fascinating that you were

kind of doing that work to like figure out like studies and speeches and that must have been a hard do you consider yourself science minded? No yeah that's what's tough every time I go to see a doctor and they talk about science stuff it's very hard for me to like

I'm sure with diabetes you had to really hunker down to like figure this shit out yeah well and i've kind of learned to like i know a lot about nutrition now yeah and because i do i love telling other people how to live their lives uh-huh yeah yeah do you do you feel like help people i got a nutrition for dummies and this is my own well a long time ago and it was i that's not how my brain works of course i read it and i could not it bored me to fucking tears i couldn't handle it i think just if you go to the grocery store and you look on the back of every nutrition label and count all the carbs because you have to you're gonna learn about nutrition

and you're gonna become interested in it because like the amount of sugar that's in everything is just wild and so like it's just i mean it's it's just insane the uh food system like you get interested in it because it's so unusual like we just take it for granted because we don't look at the nutrition labels. Yeah. But it is not normal, but it is the, it is normalized, but it is so weird. How much fucking sugar is it? Like I have my glucose tablets. I guess I can, I don't know how much of this is going to be on video, but.

Well, we're going to put the whole episode on YouTube. Oh, you youtube oh you do yeah oh is that just for the patreon or is that for everybody no that's for everybody oh cool yeah can you i'm starting a youtube channel and i'm like gonna upload videos within the month and start to like get followers can you like tag me in it how does youtube work you know i'll put all the things. Yeah. Okay, cool. So like this is 40, I think this is 40 grams. Yeah, this is 40 grams of carbs of just straight glucose. This is how much like is in a muffin. This is as compact as sugar gets. They got as much sugar as possible into a thing so the diabetics can carry it around

and when their blood sugar goes low, they can save their lives. This is as, and then you go to eat a muffin and it's like as much possible amount of sugar they could have added into it. Yeah. Same thing. That's equal to a muffin? I mean, yeah, a lot of muffins.

So if you ate a muffin, you would have to do that first or the opposite? No, I'd have to give myself insulin. Insulin. You have to match carbs with insulin. So when do you have to take this? So if you give yourself too much insulin, this is why the birthday cake is dangerous.

If I'm off and I give myself too much insulin, then I go low. And when I go low, it's dangerous. You can pass out. You can have a seizure. You can end up in the ER and, you know, et cetera. Die, yada, yada. Yeah.

Well, God, I hope I don't get diabetes. This sounds like a fucking nightmare. Well, it's good material, though. Yeah. It is. Yeah. Well, God, I hope I don't get diabetes. This sounds like a fucking nightmare. Well, it's good material, though. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Are there any other comics with like a lot of diabetes other than Patrice? I don't know. Oh, yeah.

So there's a couple. Yeah, there's a couple. Sure. James Hamilton, Lindsay Lucido. And then on the West Coast, Amy Silverberg. I love that. There's one Australian. Yeah, yeah.

Just got diabetes. The jokes are still rough. Give him a couple years. Yeah. But most people have type 2. And I hate... Is type 2... I hate type 2s.

Put it on the record. See, I was going to ask you about, is there like a weird thing? Because you're like, my body just did this against me. And there's a type 2. Like, is there any sort of... There's a stigma with type 2. Yeah, man, we don't get along. Stigma a type two. Like, is there any sort of stigma with type two? They're just different diseases and everyone just says diabetes, but they're just such different.

And 95% of people have type two. So almost everyone has type two. Yeah. But type one is your pancreas stops working. Type two is your pancreas works fine. It's just the rest of your body is like, nah, we don't accept the insulin. When you get type two diabetes, can pancreas works fine, it's just the rest of your body is like, nah. We don't accept the

insulin. When you get type 2 diabetes, can you get out of it? Also, I just need to say this, I realize this as I'm saying this on a podcast, I know it sounds like I know what I'm talking about, because I know more than the average person. I don't know anything. Google it! It's very new for you. It's totally new for me. We haven't entered the Joe Rogan phase of this podcast

yet, where we just spout off our theories about medicine. Oh, yeah. This is not scientific data. This we're still asking people. Do your own research, but like not your own. Yeah. Listen to the doctor. Listen to the doctor.

Listen to a doctor. Anyone else. I got my booster. Me too. Didn't feel anything. Oh, me too. I didn't feel anything. I had a breakthrough case though.

I got it like felt bad. I know. That was ugly. I know. Sorry. Yeah, that's fine. You got the booster? I got it. Like it felt bad. I know that was ugly. I know. Sorry. Yeah. That's fine. You got the booster.

I got it like three months ago. You know why? Diabetes. Diabetes. That's that diabetes privilege. What's up baby girl. Listen, I'm more than happy to give that to you.

You can have that privilege. The privilege of day. When you walked in, when you see other, you see like really old people and then young people and you're like diabetes one or two, two. Fuck you. in, you see really old people and then young people, and you're like, diabetes? One or two? Two? Fuck you. Well, with that, let's go to our next segment.

This has got to stop. This has got to stop. Did you ever, this has got to stop? This has got to stop? Mixing up type one and type two? You didn't read the email? No, I did read the email. I was going to do something diabetes related, but we covered it.

Oh, you did? Great. Well, you had another one along the way. I think it was about comedy competitions. Oh, sure. Yeah, comedy competitions. I mean, I'm doing one tomorrow. I'm doing it tomorrow with you.

I'm doing it with you too. This will come out after the winner has been crowned. I think everyone, I don't. Look, I understand comedy competitions at a certain level in your career. Like when you're trying to figure out how to write jokes, a booker of a comedy club wants to see how many, if you can have a certain last per minute, they want to see consistency. They want to see jokes. But at this point in our careers, not that we're above anything, but I just don't think that uh like i am not writing for comedy competitions and i am not writing to get past at clubs i am trying to you know i'm i'm

doing something but what's funny is you and i could both complain about that but we both have we're both punchy enough people that like we can do the competition oh totally some comics that's to do a five a tight five is a is a brutal sentence they're not gonna make they're not gonna that's not where they thrive absolutely yeah we what we've we've talked about on this pod where we did the the laughing devil that i uh that i won and then sam uh went eighth i think on the lineup and they decided to drop checks during his. I forgot about that. During his.

It was in Gotham in the basement space, and they did checks during his spot for a competition. That is so shitty. I mean, it's not even beyond shitty. It's just like, well, then you shouldn't put a contender there. That's insane. Yeah. That's insane.

Do you remember who won? I do. I know. I just That's insane. Do you remember who won? I do. I know. I just think it is weird because you're like, why make it into... Thank you. Is that what people want?

Do audiences want that competition? Sometimes people like competition. Like, I just, I didn't win New York's Funniest and I was quite upset. But I think... Did you have a good set and think you should have won or I did have a strong, I had a strong,

I was a strong set. It was probably a little like frantic. I like was the last one. And I think the audience was a little tired. So like part of me was like, I'm going to punch and punch and punch and punch. And, um,

it's all about timing. It's all randomized. I mean, I just did one of those college conferences and that is all about timing. Cause you, you did APCA, You did APCA, which I did. There's NACA, and there's APCA, which is more localized, more regional. Yeah, exactly.

And it's in the morning. It's a little smaller. What time was it? Oh, yeah. The showcase is at 11 a.m. 11 a.m. And you're doing it for college kids. And you go after a poet.

These showcases are like two hours and so it's all it just but that's how kind of all comedy competitions are it's just expanded and on steroids so it's more obvious but it's all about who gets the good spot i why did it the guy who like cleaned up he does impressions oh yeah like at the end he and the screen just showed all the impressions that he does and then you kind of wait by your agent's stand so people can come up and ask questions. And what this guy was doing is like, I'll go on your Instagram story and I'll be the rock or I'll be Shrek.

And I'll be like, Hey, that's the, that's my impression of Shrek and the rock. Shrek and the rock. And the rock combined. I do dual. That's the rock.

If he was voice acting for Shrek. One more time. Let's hear it. Three, two, one. Hey, I'm Shrek. I'm time. Let's hear it. Three, two, one. Hey, I'm Shrek.

I'm going to rock bottom you, donkey. Well, now I'm hard. Okay, it's very... You did NACA, right? I did NACA as well. I did not get into NACA. I did the Zoom NACA. I didn't get into NACA either.

I only got into NACA through NBC. Right. Fucking A. But I heard... I think maybe it was Pedro Gonzalez or some comedian, he followed someone who did a he had a pogo stick and he would do flips with the pogo stick and then tell one-liner jokes.

It's just really tough to follow that and be like, I'm gonna do what that guy did but without the flipping. When I perform at these conferences, I do the pogo stick version of my act. I do the biggest act outs. I do the funniest voices.

Doesn't matter how good the jokes are. It's all about, uh, you, you just got to play to the audience and it's a younger audience. Okay. So that, so I was going to ask who is the,

it's college. And it's got to be clean. Or it's, so it's not like, what's so weird about all these colleges. So almost every college I've ever been to, it's save one. I go and I say, is it okay if I curse?

Yeah, whatever. Of course, me too. Most colleges do not give a fuck. Yeah. But all the conferences are hyper clean. Yeah. Because these kids, you know what these kids want? You remember being in college? You want someone to be a little dirty.

Yeah. But you've done well in the college circuit. I've done what? Well. Well, yeah, I've done well. And you and Ashley, we've had Ashley on. You guys do go out together sometimes? Yeah, yeah.

We did one APCA where we both had good sets, and we were like, well, we're just going to compete because we're both gay. So we'll just do a duo, and then we booked a lot that way. Yeah, it is kind of interesting just doing these shows where it's like we have one gay guy and one gay girl. You'll get everything you want. Yeah.

What do you think of competitions? I mean, you've done well in them, so I'm interested. Yeah, you seem like a competition guy. I had one year I made a lot of money when I wasn't making money in stand-up. Where I won Mohegan Sun and that got me the feature weekend. I remember when I was doing stand-up NBC and you went to do Mohegan Sun. And I was like, you are an idiot. Why would you do that?

But that was one of those where I bought a suit before the finals and the suit was $1,000. A first night suit. And I was like, I have to win. I need this money now. Wait, did you buy the suit for the thing? No, I just had to buy it for something. I just needed a suit. But it was just like it gave me that motivation of like, I have to win this.

I think competition is going to be good for like it forces someone like me to like make a tight, make an order. Yeah. Finally come up with a rundown. Yeah. Beginning to end, crush. But of course, they're bullshit. Sometimes it's based on the audience. If you go first, go fuck yourself.

You're not winning that. You go first or second, you're not winning. You do it with a check spot, you're not winning that. You go first a second, you're not winning. You do it with a check spot, you're not winning that. I don't care what anybody says. It's not happening. So I don't know. I feel good about it

because I won a couple of them, but I ultimately think like it's a lazy version of trying to figure out how to pass people at the club. I mean, ultimately, there's too many comedians. So when you have

too many comedians, all your systems of passing and working people are going to be fucked up yeah and i only i only like them because i do think it can be a rare opportunity that if you're like a really strong comic this can be a rare place where you can enter at the bottom level and break through and have people see you in the finals so i do think if you're like a really strong tight comic comic, it can help the cream rise. Everything should be

make the cream rise to the top. That should be all the goals of all these things. Right. But if you're a comedy club, if you're a competition comedian, like I don't, I think a lot of comedians

that we both love never would have done well at any competition. Of course. But I would also argue that a lot of comedians I do love, like part of being a good comedian is structure. And like maybe you don't like at any competition. Of course. But I would also argue that a lot of comedians I do love, part of being a good comedian is structure and maybe you don't like doing a five minute set.

But you can. But you can. And you can force yourself to work hard. And I hate that shit. But you have to force yourself sometimes. Yeah, I agree. I think you should be able to figure it out. But then again,

it's like if that's your forte and that's what you're doing every night is like a five-minute punchy, clean, late-night style set versus, you know, like a Drew Michael, it's not going to... Drew's not going to win the competition, even no matter how many... You know, unless he prepares for like months,

but that's not going to happen for a competition. And there's people who can do a tight five minutes and like if they couldn't do an hour to save their life like they don't know how to like flow and talk and but that's just that's just that's that's the game yeah um i do like that at least new york comedy club is not making it a bringer it's comedians and i don't i don't know how they find the comedians but like i don't know how they got my name sure i mean i've done shows there of course but and i know a they find the comedians, but I don't know how they got my name. Sure.

I mean, they've done shows there, of course, and I know a lot of the people there. To be fair, I do not think this is too egotistical to say. You and I are both, should be, any club in the city should be grateful to have you. And I'll take me out of the equation, just say you, but we know we've been both of us. How do I pretend to be humble?

How do I play this off in a way that's like, I have evidence, but I'm also. In real comics, and so like, so you know, the reason you're in it is because you should be at the club already.

Not that I don't know how to get on, but I'm just, I was trying to compliment this. I know I'm shitting on competitions, but at least this isn't the bringer. I, I, this is way, way, way above that. Gotta bleep that one out. No, I know, I know I'm shitting on competitions, but at least this isn't the bringer. I, I, this is way, way, way above that.

I gotta bleep that one out. No, I know. I know. But to be fair, like even with that, it's the reason I was able to work there because I've got the five minutes in front of them and then I work there. And you brought it. Yeah, I brought, I don't think you did that one, but you, you probably were on the list. I don't. All right. Listen, that's fine.

We'll have a conversation. No, we know. But we know everything's fucked up. And sometimes you're on the good side of it, and sometimes you're on the bad side of it. There's no club that someone can complain about that I can legitimately be like, you're wrong. Every club has fucked some people hard. And I just wish more of them would fuck me in a good way fuck me daddy

let's go to our final segment you better count your blessings you better count your blessings this podcast is such shit and then as soon as these beautiful perfectly crafted

musical transitions come in. Maybe I need to make less good versions of me singing it. Like to the, you better count. That feels more like in line. Russell, do you have a blessing? You go first. Oh, fuck. No, I want to hear yours.

Go first. I always go first. I had a really cheesy one. I had a really cheesy one. I want to hear yours before I choose mine. I had a corny one. I want to hear yours before I choose mine I had a corny one it's gross but I do I'm very thankful for our

friendship and oh that is gross but it's like you know it's very tough in stand up and I know like I there's plenty of ways that I have not been as generous with my time or just like make time. It's very hard to make time

as a stand-up comedian. And there's one of the things with comedians, at least we like understand that part of it. Yes. Which doesn't mean, you know,

sometimes you do have to be like, well, I can't excuse everything because my stand-up is tough. But. I think especially when the part that we are and have been, I think as you start to have more success and like you don't have to do 17 open mics a night. Uh huh. You are you have more responsibility as a human in every aspect of your life.

Absolutely. And it's also tough to stand. I remember hearing about this probably on Pete Holmes, where there is a thing of like're friends and then you succeed more and then maybe you start being on the road more. It's just like one of these things like if your career goes according to plan, you become even further apart. We're not going to be headlining the same place. But it's – Yeah, I want to be headlining the place as you are. But I remember I feel like we first met doing shows at uh jacqueline hyde no way really

oh my god i feel like that's the first time we met i just remember like getting to know you in that upstairs space i don't know if it's still there i remember the night before your caroline's headlining set and you were a mess was i yeah yeah well i was like six months into comedy you had like 17 notepads. I mean, it was later replaced by a MacBook Pro that you would open on subways. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And you were like running bits by me frantically. And we didn't really know each other.

And I was like, we have the same energy. We do, we do. We're very much checkers. We like to get feedback. Oh, I meant sociopaths who will do anything to be famous but also that and Jekyll and Hyde was such a it was such a

it was like fun shitty because like the mic it was for like scary shows they did so the mic had like this reverberation effect and you were like my parents got divorced

when I was seven days old oh Jesus Christ but you've been a friend since then and I'm very grateful for you because you only get so many of those in this biz

yeah I am too really and I think it's because we met at the right time and it's not just about timing but we really were both I don't know it's like you just in this industry

you just like there's such I think we've talked about this before. Like, who's your class? Yeah. Yeah. Neither of us have a class. Yeah. But I think we were in and we still aren't in the same rooms.

Yeah. Largely. But we were just I don't know. Immediately we were both like, wow, we care about this so much and we are trying so hard and we just i think just immediately connected on that and i think it's it's that initial connection and then it's just yeah it's just i don't know and it's just been natural it has not been something where like we need to hang out every day and honestly you need that or it's not gonna last yeah because if you're you you know, we both, I'm sure,

tried to be friends with people. Of course. Because we're both lonely. This is such a lonely thing to do. You try so hard to be friends with people. You're like, I'm going to get drinks with them and I'm going to get coffee with them and I'm going to try to go to their shows.

I'll tell you that having the podcast, there were some people who I, once they were a guest, I was like, oh, maybe we'll be able to be like friendly now. Absolutely. And then I see them and I'm like, oh, fuck. It's the same as before. It's harder. We talked about everything. I know.

You just can't change it, man. Yeah. It's really hard. And also we were able to like, I think talk shit is the right thing. Yes. Immediately we were able to like uh uh i think talk shit is the right thing yes immediately we were able to talk shit and that's so important yeah i think that's important for any relationship yeah you're definitely the more positively i i remember i remember we i remember just being in a cvs with you and i was talking mad shit about someone we could talk about it after this but but you were like they might be here you're the more cautious of the two shit talkers which is

good i need i need someone to be able to reign me you can be a little loud when you're sometimes doing it i like i like you're like wait till we walk three paces from the club before you or like don't you know actively shit on a competition we're both doing tomorrow in your podcast something like Something like that. But when I am in private, I feel like I'm the meaner one. Really? I mean, what do you think? I think I can get pretty caustic.

Yeah, but we're, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. We'll see. I'll start taking score. Top that blessing, motherfucker. Okay. No, I don't have a it's fine i have a um my easy

one is you know thanksgiving just happened um and i didn't go home and um i'm grateful my parents are i feel no pride i felt no pressure from them to like to come home or do a thing they came yesterday and we did it like a nice lunch thing but it was just nice of like that's how parents a good supportive thing of like oh we want to see you but you don't have to come like and i felt felt good because i feel bad because i feel sometimes i hear people's stories and i'm like oh there's so much pressure to go home then you go home and it's awful and you're just sitting alone and in in rooms like you know not wanting to be there and uh and i don't feel that way i like i you know um but i i was grateful not to have that pressure and and that they still came and i got to see

them and it was lovely so that's that's a great one yeah yeah i felt like you were talking about my family when you discussed that horrible no i watched the movie the humans which was a play and i was thinking about, I'm like, oh, that's a lot of people's experience. Do you refer to fiction as your friends and people you talk to? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, good.

I love that one. I love a non-pressure Thanksgiving. I can't even imagine what it is. It was so nice. It was lovely. It was just like, oh, we're just going to be here in our own home here in New York. We got to go to a movie.

We got to go to a concert. We got to go out to dinner. It was just a nice week. It was a lovely week. I think about it because I don't plan on going home for Christmas. It's going to come out after Christmas. But I don't plan on going home for Christmas. But I know every couple of days I'm like, fuck, am I going to have to go home for Christmas?

Because my dad, it will. We'll lay it on. Yeah. And I was home for Thanksgiving and the stockings were already hung and there's my name on one. Oh, yeah, you got it. I'm like, fuck this. Yeah. Family is so complicated.

Oh, God. For Thanksgiving this year I did a, I won't go into a whole lot of reason why, but I did a lunch with my family. And then at night I was free and I went with my best friend, Ashley, and we went bowling. Best Thanksgiving I've ever had. Yeah, that's lovely. Just went to fucking Chelsea Piers. Had a great night bowling.

Just so chill. Ashley Gabbard. Yes. I spent my Thanksgiving with this guy here. Yeah. Oh, beautiful. Oh, yeah, we'll talk about it. Oh, yeah, we can talk about it. No one wants to hear about Thanksgiving in January, Russell.

This is Patreon content. So is that your blessing, bowling Ashley? Oh, yeah, I think that should be. Hey, you know what? This year has been horrific, and Ashley has gotten me through. She has been there for me yeah I guess I'm grateful for Ashley Gavin

yeah I mean I call her crying at least yeah very often and I mean she always makes time for me and she's like so busy but she's an amazing person and she's really selfless and maybe if we tag her in there

she'll share it on her instagram which has a lot more followers and she's a lot of followers too so uh so uh so uh again thank you for for listening to the downside um i this this won't be timely but just remember for next thanksgiving i guess for next thanksgiving you know as as much fun as you have whether it's bowling not spending time with your family being with your family it was really just it's really built on the back of incalculable suffering and pain

and frankly a genocide on par and worse than the Holocaust if we're talking numerically thanks for coming to the downside this has been the downside with Sam Morrison one, two, three downside

edit everything Downside with Sam Morrison. Woo! Downside! Edit everything. Downside! Downside!