The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #69 Banned from REDACTED with Kyle Gordon

Episode Date: February 1, 2022

Comedian Kyle Gordon shares how he was banned from a theater after one of his fans throw a glass at the bartender (and other downsides of being a TikTok celebrity). We also talk about having an orthodox dad and a hippie dippy mom, auditioning for commercials with UCB students, the swift death of improv comedy, the anxiety of performing for elementary students, going to a spa with the boys, and whether Russell and I should see each other naked.  You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Join The Downside Patreon for early ad-free episodes the Friday before they're released on Tuesday, two BONUS episodes a month (AUDIO & VIDEO), + the good feeling inside that you're helping keep my delusions alive. Follow KYLE GORDON on instagram & tiktok See KYLE GORDON in a city near you Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Fawn Sullivan, Paige Asachika, & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Recording, recording, recording, recording, recording. Welcome to, oh, last thing is that we're releasing this kind of out of order. So like if you have a story from New Year's or whatever, but it's probably going to come out in a month. Okay, all good. Oh, and I'll talk in the beginning, but feel free to be a part of that and then we'll formally like get to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool, cool, cool. Welcome to The Downside. welcome to the downside it uh i'm we're we're in a partially constructed my partially constructed studio we have one chair that's correct one good one one good one but it's a very good one you like

it you're happy with it oh yeah i um i made a beeline for it i didn't even give you guys the chance to claim it yourselves uh i am a little flustered i had a zoom uh call back and this is being released far enough away that i do think i can uh i can talk shit about it what was it no i wasn't going to be that detailed i wasn't going to list the casting director but first of all this goes back to my whole theory all auditions should be paid there should be a stipend for all auditions and you know what's so weird is that so they they start late they always they're always late with the zoom of course of course but uh uh there's that moment where you're waiting you log into the zoom at your appropriate time and then you wait for them to

let you into the meeting and all of a sudden my bedroom has transformed into a waiting room i can't do anything i can't like i'll do something else until they log on so i'm just like standing there awkwardly like i would in a waiting room yeah and you're just waiting and i waited 55 fucking minutes no though 25 but it felt like 55 minutes and it's worse because you're probably standing on your feet too yeah standing and my laptop's perched on a stool on top of a an upside down table on top of a box well i but for you i gotta say it's way worse if you have other people that you live with because you know i have a wife and animals and and it's like you have to then have all every other being in the room shut the fuck

up for an indeterminate amount of time like we're like because you know and you put them all in one room and be like just and you're like in theory it's going to be at 4 30 but then sometimes yeah they put you're on hold for 45 minutes 45 minutes one time and i was like one time i was like sending a message to my agent being like is this like because it was was after, it was over 50. It was almost an hour. And I was like, this is insane. And SAG, according to SAG rules, after an hour, they're supposed to pay you.

But I've never heard of anyone ever getting that money. I once had. They bring you in at 59. Yeah. I once had a callback. It was a second or a third callback. And according to SAG rules, again, third callback, you should get paid like a hundred something dollars and I remember a month later I went to my agent I said hey I never got this money and they said we could ask for this money but you will never go in for

this office ever again so which would you like and I said that's a good union that's a strong union I'm a part of um and so you do the audition and it was an acting scene. So you're doing scene work with Zoom. And I mean, I could not feel like, I went to college for what I'm doing and I could not feel like the least talented human being in the world. I feel awkward. I feel uncomfortable.

When they make you do improv too, have you ever had a Zoom improv? Have you ever? Every commercial audition ever, they say you write the whole commercial for us and then write the ending like so they never know the ending so they go and then just you know write the ending and then it's time take the button right and it's times 10 like 10 times worse on zoom because you're just like you haven't scripted anything

and then you're like delayed by four seconds you're like and mom and i that's pretty crazy mom like yeah yeah one time uh well one time um the uh they you know and sometimes they're they're so detailed in the breakdown of what what it is other times not but like sometimes they really write it out so one time uh they it was a very specific one but at no point did it say you'll throw a football. So I get on the call and I'm doing it and they go, and you have a football to throw, right? And I go, oh, no. And then they go, oh. And I go, oh, but I could do, and I had like a shoe nearby. I go, I could do this.

And they go, yeah, that's okay. Like it was unacceptable. We would all just have footballs in our fucking houses. Like, and nowhere did it say you need to throw a football in this thing. And as if like, right, they're not going to get the feeling of a football with like,

whatever, like a shoe, like, sorry, John Mark. No, no, it's a,

and then, and then, you know, they, they were all there you you meet everyone as if this matters and everyone's nice and you're like if you're not gonna hire me this is all pointless just let me do it and then at the end uh you know they all come back on i they gave me two two extra tries and again i felt i truly felt like i don't know if it was the worst thing

they've ever seen or if i did an okay job it's definitely not great that's not one of the options and then they all like one by one said great work the the director said great work john carlo and then the the another person said excellent john carlo and then the third person john carlo and then the reader who i know a little bit better said a great great good to see you john marco and so there's like a moment where even though I didn't correct anyone and now I'm caught in not correcting anyone even though it's more awkward

to correct so I have a good feeling that there is no fucking chance in hell I got this motherfucking role this is the downside 1, 2, 3 downside downside This is The Downside. One, two, three. Downside.

You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With DeMarco Cerezi. What was it for? If I get it. Just bleep it out. You know what? I'll reveal it on the Patreon.

Okay. Because not enough people to spread that word around. Welcome to The Downside. This is an interview podcast where we bring on guests to talk about all the downsides of life, the negativities. We celebrate the negativities.

We complain. We freely, we don't need to be positive here. We don't need to pretend. Life is suffering and we might as well laugh about it. My name's Jamarco

and I'm with my co-host Russell Daniels. Hi. We're joined today by Kyle Gordon. Hello. And I do want to say, if you do like us, check out the Patreon. We have now made it so you have four, four, four bonus episodes every month.

It's a real deal. $5 a month. You get four extra episodes, other little goodies, tickets to live shows when we do them someday. Patreon.com slash downside. Again, someday. Patreon.com slash downside. Again, that's patreon.com slash downside.

Link in the show notes. I do want to bring up one other audition story because Kyle, you've done a lot of improv. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if you noticed, Russell is one of the worst

improvisers in the entire world. One of the greatest sketch comedians in the entire world. It could be. I bet if he had a couple beers, this is the first time we've ever had a drink.

Oh, yeah, cheers. Thank you for bringing that. Yeah, of course. If he was drunk, I think he'd be the greatest one. But sober, I bet if he had a couple beers, this is the first time we've ever had a drink. Thank you for bringing that. Of course. If he was drunk, I think he'd be the greatest one. But sober? I'm not always bad. I think I'm either.

I could be. I think when we did the things when we met, I don't think I was terrible all the time. Thanks for the listeners at home. When we did the things when we met. There are three people in the whole world who would know what that means. When we were doing that Bachelorette show off-Broadway, we had what seemed like a year process putting that show together. And most of it was improv exercises.

And I feel like I did fairly well in a lot of them. You did. But I think when I'm not firing, it's some of the worst thing that you've ever seen i i i don't enjoy it i don't enjoy doing it certainly and um i'm i'm hesitant to watch it in live sure uh because it stresses me out so we're gonna get to that with with your whole industry but i i remember i was definitely i'm sure you were too when to do commercials you had to have a ucb credit or like improv yeah yeah it's so important partly because they want you to write it yes yes but i remember i did this one it was a i don't know if i've spoken about before in this but it was for

lifetime it was a tv show called i love you but dot dot dot i lied and it was improvised scenes and mine was i auditioned for this thing eight times and i did it once eventually but it was like me and a guy he'd gone out of town i was apartment sitting and the scene was he comes back and i say hey this girl i told her it was my place can you let me stay one more night so we can have sex and as we're going in he said to me and he was just like an improv guy he was like okay okay so when i was out of town i told you to watch my octopus uh blinky inky i told you to watch my octopus inky that makes sense and i said well i don't know i don't know if that's kind of what they want and he's like no no trust me trust me trust me and so we go in and i'm doing the scene where I'm like,

the goal of the scene is maybe like, hey man, so I told this girl. And he was like, what happened to Inky? And he goes, you know, he goes to the imaginary aquarium and he picks up, he picks up Inky out of the, why isn't Inky moving? And I'm like, dude, please, please, neither of us are going to get this. Please, please. And it was like, it was just like a moment in time where improvisers got all this like clout.

Yeah. And it didn't quite make sense. Can I ask when this was? I mean, this was probably 2015, 2016. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I started, I moved to New York in 2014 and pretty much like the first few years was just like doing a ton of improv.

moved to New York in 2014 and pretty much like the first few years was just like doing a ton of improv and even then I felt like maybe I was there for a few months while I was taking classes where improv was still in that moment but like once I start like after a year I was like

oh I think we it may have crested you know well since this is the down and you do improv, I mean, does it feel like- Yeah, is it done? You love improv. I mean, like, you're good at improv? You like improv?

I'm okay. I was never on, like, a UCB team or anything. I did a lot of stuff at the Magnet, which is, you know, like, just another theater. How many improv teams have you been on, and can you name them all? Oh, fuck. Yeah. They were all at the magnet um they were name all the names because i love improv or any kind of comedy group yeah yeah uh the okay so

they um okay the first one was oh fuck well we were gonna call ourselves the bill borderos which was like some inside joke but then someone thought we'd get canceled because it like was slightly Spanish. And I'm assuming you were all white. Yeah, of course. Of course. By choice. But no, fuck. Okay, I know one was called Avalanche.

Then one was called The Heel, and then one was called Sexy Baby, and then one was called, I'm missing one. It was on four or five. Oh, fuck. That's not too bad. None of those are two. No, no, no.

I'm trying to think of ones I've heard. Mission Improvable, I've always liked. Oh, yeah, there were no puns or anything like that yeah yeah yeah yeah i think that was the earlier improv days yeah and i think a lot of college improv teams are like yeah super into that yeah and are you good at improv uh i'm okay i'm like not i'm okay yeah did you i think just i and this might get me in trouble with some of my standup comedian friends. I like improv or I admire improv. I like doing it a lot.

Like it's really fun to do. Um, practicing improv is maybe the biggest waste of time on planet earth. Like, you know what I mean? And, uh, you know,

it's fun. Like I really, it's fun to like get up on stage and, like, have nothing. You could just show up. And it's, like, super fun. It's, like, super fun. You know what's great? I mean, I saw a couple shows at UCB when it was popping.

And, like, if it was, like, a seasoned improv team, I mean, it was an electric. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was a really good feeling. I don't have a, I'm not, like, one of those people that, like, shits on improv because I don't think there's merit. I just think it's, like, I don't have a, I'm not like one of those people that like shits on improv because I don't think there's merit. I just think it's like, I don't, it stresses me out that they don't know what they're going to do. I just know a lot of standup comedians really have, there's some kind of loathing for improv. Yeah.

Which I get. I mean, there was a time where there was a lot more mingling of the two worlds with UCB. People were doing standup and improv shows. Right, right, right. I did standup versus improv. That was a show. Yeah. But I think it was just interesting because I like the art form and it's one of these things

that like it doesn't feel like it can scale oh in terms of like money wise uh when it's recorded i remember seeing uh ass cat on netflix they recorded one when it's recorded it feels bad yeah yeah because then it feels prepared and it's like I once saw I once saw I thought it was a sketch show and I watched the sketch show and it was like

everyone was stepping on each other's lines it was all over the place there was no structure I was like god this was the worst piece of shit I've ever seen and then I told someone

who I was watching with I said that wasn't a sketch show that was improv and I was like oh that was pretty good because it's just it's part of the thing yeah yeah yeah and ucb set up the system where no one got paid for it period well yeah and so it just it's one of these things where like you can be so good at it and i'm like where does it go from here well part of part of my frustration with improv too

is like especially like what it became especially when people like at ucb were like just like so fucking worked up to like get on teams and stuff and be part of the community and everything um like it felt to me like so much of the audience was there like because they'd studied improv so fucking much and like taking you know 10 000 hours of just classes and they were counting the beats yeah yeah exactly oh god yeah yeah yeah yeah or people with notes people like fucking with a notepad in the audience i'm like calm down and like uh also just you know um if it's like to a certain extent it became sort of like inaccessible to like a normal person to see, or like a lot of parts of it were.

And I'm like, if that's the case, like that's cool. But, you know, you have to acknowledge that this is only for like, it's like jazz at a certain point. You know what I mean? For sure. Because I think the same thing happens with acting where especially when you try to like scale a school,

you have to create a system that like can be taught to lawyers and taught to people who aren't funny yeah and so the system ends up like uh distilling it to a thing where you're like you've lost the humor anyone can do it though which is kind of the school's goal right right and then all of a sudden you have a lot of people that aren't that funny but are doing the thing and it's like it's lost the luster right and it like they sand off the edges of people with like a unique voice because that's necessarily the goal in order to have a successful school you can't like you can't reward people who have a unique voice because then the people who are taking the classes and following all the rules are like fuck that guy he didn't do the thing you taught me in level four. So why is he, you know,

being rewarded for being funny? Like I read the book cover to cover. I've never met a single funny person who did mod in my entire life. And no, Russell is on mod. I don't know. There are a lot of funny people. And this is me. I took all the classes

I did. Of course. Oh, I did it for all the wrong. I truly did it for all the wrong I totally did it for all the wrong reasons I did it because I was like tired of like being like like I was like oh I just have to do this like I was like I felt like I couldn't you know I'd gone as you know we were it was a way to go up for a long time and

Russell joined mod what was it two years before the collapse? 14 months 14 months yeah and but it's such it's two years before the collapse? 14 months. 14 months. Oh, wow. I did a season and two shows. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And, but it's such, it's wild how quickly it went. And it's wild how, I did, I did a commercial once in LA and everyone else on, in the commercial were UCB teachers. And I was like,

it's amazing. Yeah. When these things, and this happens with acting schools. Now it was the comedy school. All of a sudden these things rise and industry that's generally a little bit lazy goes like, if they went there, they're funny. And that's it.

I think that's a really good point. And industry being lazy is a good point because not only are they like, all right, they went to UCB. They must be funny. learn the rules of UCB and if they can look out for people who follow certain rules or like things that they've been taught is like a successful improv or successful acting or successful comedy, then they don't have to think as hard

because they can be like, all right, they did, you know, with UCB, for example, you know, like follow the game or all these things. Like if industry learns the kind of vocabulary of like the biggest schools, then people who are like, whose job it is to look out for talent,

they can just kind of shut their brain off and just be like, did they follow X, Y, Z rule? You hear that Tova? You're fucking lazy. I mean, I feel like there was this thing though,

which is hard. It's with anything. There was a period where the output of people, like there was a period at UCB where you're like, everyone coming out of that thing was like, do you know what I mean? Like before it all collapsed. People would be like, yeah, I took 101 with Aziz Ansari.

I took 201 with Amy Poehler. Right, right, right. Well, that's the thing too. I think like it was before my time a little bit, but like I heard that SNL used to, like, or maybe it was one year or two years or whatever, they, like, had people just do a Herald for their audition, for an SNL audition.

Oh, my. I would be terrified. They just got, like, whatever it was, like, eight people to just do it. That does not apply to the show. But that's how juiced up they were by it. You know what I mean? It's true. What does that have to do with anything?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Um, so, so let's, uh,

for those who hate comedy talk, we'll be done with that. Well, we're going to come back. I mean, who are we kidding? Yeah. Cause it is the downsides of the thing I'm most cynical and bitter about.

Like comedy and stupid comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So the thing I'm most cynical and bitter about, like, is comedy and stupid comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you are, and I found out from Tova, you are a Jew. Oh, big time. Big time. Yeah, I know. I don't look it exactly. Now, do the Hasids, can they tell?

Do they say, are you Jewish, too? Yes, usually they do. Yeah, usually. Well, I also live in Crown Heights, so I'm right by headquarters. So, yeah, no. And, well, one time, too, for those who don't know, like in Crown Heights, literally the world headquarters for, like, Lubavitch, which is, like, the biggest Hasidic sect,

is two blocks, three blocks from my apartment. So, and if you've been there,'ll notice that they have um uh like pictures of this old jewish guy everywhere he's on flags he's called mashiach and he's like he was this guy who was like popular in the 70s and he was like the head rabbi of this sect tova will tell you all about it well tone i just did a patreon episode where she talks about uh i'm trying to think of this as the same one she had a rabbi die before her fourth birthday, which would have been 94, I guess. Yeah. The day before.

Is this that rabbi? That sounds right. I think it was early 90s. Was he head of Chabad? Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay.

Yes. Yes. Chabad is, yes. I know. I'm working so hard. She's Orthodox, but she was in a Chabad community. Yeah. So she told a story where the rabbi, the rabbi?

Yes, the rabbi. The rabbi died. And so everyone went to Brooklyn for the funeral. This is like the Pope for that. And so her funeral was, her family had rented out a room at like a museum for the birthday, but no one was there anymore. All her friends were Chabad, so they all went to Brooklyn. She was in New Orleans.

was there anymore. All her friends were Chabad, so they all went to Brooklyn. She was in New Orleans. And so her mom went into the museum and invited other kids, non-Jews, into the room to celebrate with her. For her birthday. Yeah, it was a really kind of beautiful story

of like integration. Oh, in New Orleans this happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Because everyone she knew went to the funeral. Oh, my God. I see. Oh, wow.

She's Orthodox, but she was not Chabad, so they were still celebrating. Yeah my God, I see. Oh wow. She was, she's Orthodox, but she was not Chabad, so they were still celebrating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They said, that's so funny. How, are you this,

that Jewish? No, so I grew up like, it's called like conservative, so like the normal Jew, you're Jewish, right? I'm Jewish, yeah. But did you have a bar mitzvah?

No, I had a speed bar mitzvah for my birthright trip. Oh, nice. No, I grew up in a Jewish community, though, so I went to a lot of them. Okay. Where did you grow up? Potomac, Maryland. Okay.

Near Bethesda, Rockville. So, yeah, like, my, like, I grew up, which is called conservative, so it's, like, one step up from, like, super chill. You know, like, normal. super chill you know like normal so it's like you go like we go to like synagogue on saturday but it wasn't you know no one in my family had like payas or anything or like wore a yarmulke all the time like we ate non-kosher out of the house but um but then as i got older my dad got very religious he's gotten he's orthodox now wow. What do you think inside of that? What do you think in your dad?

Turning 50. Do you think it's that? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I could see that. I always could see as I get older. You think you're gonna get

more religious, more conservative as you get older? I could see like, as like death is closer being like, I need to cling onto something here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Yeah. For sure. I remember, I was reading, who wrote the line in The Witch and the Wardrobe? What's his name? C..s lewis c.s lewis and like he's one of these people where he was like an atheist and like an artist a strident atheist and then he said he was taking

a hike one day and he saw he said he saw three streams of water and and it oh it was it was the father son and holy ghost and then he became the most biggest Christian in the world. And every time I go for a walk, I look for those streams. And I would just love, I would love to be like just smacked by God. Yeah, give me no choice. I feel envious of like, I wish I felt like the safety of being like, like people, Betty White died recently, right? And people love telling the story of like betty white reuniting with the other golden girls yeah you had a very funny tweet

about it but i said i said the what is it with these crazy motherfuckers they think that dead celebrities they go into heaven and they hang out with other celebrities they have family but like think about how much the population really thinks that you die, and then all of a sudden you're just up there, and you're reunited, and it's so nice. And I truly wish that I felt that way. Because what a nice feeling that would be to feel and believe that. And I'm not even saying I know what happens or blah, blah, blah,

because we've talked about this. But that definitely doesn't happen. Okay. We can be as loose as we want. It would be nice. When you die, I would love to be a picture of you with all four golden girls because I think you would enjoy the company. And they're giving you a look like, why are you

with us? But I get jealous of that, of just being able to feel that it would be so nice like like i think of every day like i'll be like oh it's fine what's gonna happen what's the worst gonna happen i'm gonna die and then i'm gonna be up there like dancing around with i don't know who like i just i mean it'd be a lot like you think about, but yeah, anyways. So, so, so your dad, he, what was it like for you? I mean, do you, are you feel connected to the religion or do you look at your dad and

go like, ah, chill dad. So, I mean, like he, oddly enough, like he, he became more religious later in life and also, but also also chilled out. So getting more religious was kind of like his zen kind of thing. Him getting more spiritual, but he's not like a hippy-dippy. He's like Jewish. Yeah, he's only eating kosher.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your mom, though, is not. She got more like hippy dippy like you know like gaia you know like like the trees are my religion you know like yeah yeah yeah yeah like um i yeah so like do they do they fight over this does does she look at the torah and go, those are my gods that you used to print onto this paper? No, like, she's, you know, like, she's like, you know, like, all we talk about is Judaism these days. You know, like, all he wants to talk about.

But he's also, like, very kind of, like, he reads a ton and like wants to like discuss this week's tour portion in detail and all the like rabbinical commentary and stuff. So like, I think it's more exhaustion of like, you know, imagine someone was like, just wanted to talk to you about magic, the gathering all day. It's like,

I've never played this game. Like I barely, I played it once when I was a kid. Like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You know? Yeah. So someone asked me about the tour. I mean, I'm more of a, I'm more of a I was a kid. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Someone asked me about the Torah.

I'm more of a Marvel guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is interesting because I forget that there's continuing thoughts and things on it. Because at some point when people are really into religion, you're like, well, you read it. It's done. You know the things and you go once a week and maybe there's some new insight from the leader and but but but it's kind of like done but yeah i guess they read this book every every year like why i'm all like yeah it's like yeah i read parts of it and now i just like watching tv like i don't like i'm not into that book anymore like have you read the whole uh I did not like the whole but like I

did do like um I did like uh uh it was like a Torah it was like a Jewish Bible um competition uh like and I was very bad but like I did it to kind of like put it on my like high school resume sure uh and uh yeah but that was about that was like when i got in like that's the most i ever had to like dig deep into like you know they surrounded judah and you know like whatever um so so this was in west chester you grew up yes and uh then then you moved to new york what after college yeah after college, after college, yeah. And you did Story Pirates. Yeah, yeah. Which I've never talked about.

I've always wanted to talk, I never did Story Pirates, but that seemed like there was another, like, tell us what Story Pirates was. Yeah, so I started doing it like a year after I moved to New York, and I only did like a few, so yeah, I don't know if people know or not but probably but uh it's like this group and a lot of people from like ucb in the improv world did it because essentially you'd go to like elementary schools and um you would the kids would um write like a story and it would be like

in kid language like you know the taco ninja went to the moon and saved the princess and then you would improvise as you were like this is the greatest writing i've ever seen yeah yeah yeah it's like yeah this is a beautiful second beat where he like you know farts out yeah yeah right uh and then you would like improvise it um i only did like a few um i only did a few of them were the shows fun or were they hellish they were fun they were fun i was kind of like intimidated because they had like a whole little crew and i had like just moved to new york and i just like didn't i was like i don't know anyone no one's my friend yeah yeah it is funny how like even like

doing taco improv for kids you can create a hierarchy of you don't know. I was so critical of myself. I was like, fuck, I should have come out as the wizard. God damn it. They were asking me to come out as the wizard. Beat myself up for a week. When the pandemic hit, basically you've had a lot of success on TikTok,

which I do want to talk about. You had two canceled performances with our sketch team. What was the first reason? COVID. Both times. COVID. I had COVID the first time. Oh, you had COVID.

Right. That's the one that you gave me. I got breakthrough COVID. Yeah. Before I saw my dad who had a life threatening surgery. It's up for debate. It's up for debate. But I had a breakthrough case of COVID. So I saw my dad who had a life-threatening surgery. It's up for debate. It's up for debate.

But I had a breakthrough case of COVID, so we had to cancel the show the day before. And then this Christmas show was canceled because someone had COVID. Brutal. Yeah. So someday, Kyle,

we're going to get you on. Every boy can dream. Thank you for doing it. Yeah, boy. But you have this new TikTok following uh huh and uh you're starting to do shows

for this TikTok audience yeah yeah yeah and I'm curious because I do a lot of TikTok I did some joke that I got recognized uh uh by someone from my TikToks

and I said thank you so much for watching and his mom pepper sprayed me because it's just a little so there's you're you have a younger fan base

and you you you've been performing shows for them. Like, was there a moment where you were like, oh, this is, these are my fans right now? Yeah. As soon as I started doing live shows, like immediately. What was the first one you did? So, yeah.

So the first one where I like invited people out, it was, must've been June and June of 2021 and people, you know, know were that's when i realized i was like oh people are starting to do live shows again the vaccine just came out and blah blah so i invited uh so i did a show um essentially i i did like i used to do the show with my brother where we would host it and then we'd have like a bunch of other comedians on so we do like little bits in between and then you'd have you know other comedians do like stand-ups do sets so we'd end up i mentioned it only because we would do like 20 minutes of material total because you'd had other comics doing it too and we were essentially hosting it um so i was like all right i've done

this before we got tons of bits let's just put this up so I can do something live and, you know, start doing live shows again. And so I had people come out to this venue in New York. And, yeah, pretty much I'm not allowed to do shows at this venue anymore because the people behaved so horrifically. Oh, my God. What was the what? You don't have to say it. Yeah, maybe. What was the, what? Uh, you don't have to say it, you don't have to say it, but say,

mouth it maybe. No, I'll tell you, it was, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,

which is near where I live. And, and this, well, I can describe it. It's like their whole thing. I don't even know, whatever,

but like their thing is like, we like, you are banned from it. So I don't know what you have to lose. Well, cause they let me do like, do like they did let me do uh go on someone else's show but they're like you're not allowed to host like we don't want your people coming to our show our theater so that a few things were children acting this like well so that's the thing too is like cut like yeah it was definitely like 18 to 22 and it was definitely people who like came in from like you know seniors at hofstra who like took the like you know like got drunk on limeridas on the way to the venue or like we're going to see fucking kyle gordon

tonight it's gonna be fucking tight dude this dude's fucking funny as fuck actually he's fucking funny and uh and like they were jacked up before they even got in there and um was it sold out yeah it was sold out so sold out show you're making them a lot of money sold out that's not an easy venue to sell out no no yeah and so you're you're backstage as they come in like do you realize immediately do you go like, oh no. When I got on stage. Yeah. Cause like there were people right, like, you know, there's people to the side and people in front and like, like we're doing bits up top and like people are just like, you know,

talking, but in a way that, you know, like, it's not just talking. It's like, like like this is so funny like like i can't believe it and then um so like but that was mostly what i noticed on stage but then they told me afterwards like kind of the the shit that was happening um uh so apparently well one like people were just like dipping and like spitting dip. Like, which is like, exactly. I was like, yeah, that's who I thought they were. No, I've never done dip. So dip you, it's like, what is it?

Yeah, it's like a little pouch. Like they found like there was dip spit. So you put like a pouch of tobacco like under your lip. Uh-huh. And then you're like, you've never seen never seen people spitting into a water bottle like a hockey player do you just suck into it

do you chew it or what do you do you just put it right here and then you just swirl around and then you get a little buzz from it

and then you spit out when you gotta you know spit you seem like you like it I've never done it before you really just kind of like I grew up with

people that did did dip yeah yeah yeah like I went to the sickest high school. So there's dip on the floor. Was the show fun or was it one of these shows like you couldn't even like... How many comedians?

How many stand-ups were... Four stand-ups. Okay. And what were they... Were they giving you any indication? Like, were they coming off like, what the fuck, man? Like, or no, they were chill about it um

yeah no well one one was like a fee one person i had one like female comedian who like good for you um i was like listen all right i'm putting you on lock it up all right bring me your best 10 all right we're not fucking around you You're welcome. No, but yeah. And some dude was kind of yelling at her throughout the set. Kind of like, I'll date you. She's talking like dating is hard. It's like, I'll date you. Or like, you know, like, oh, yeah.

But then, okay. So then I really realized it was weird like uh as i go to leave and i'm like i had some like merch stuff so i'm like going to bring it back and there's like one dude kind of like slouched over still there and he like they're like you gotta go you gotta go and he just like stands up and like immediately fucking falls over and uh no but but the big thing was um one of them like threw a glass at the manager's head because uh they like stopped wouldn't keep serving them and then um oh does this during the show like yeah i missed it yeah yeah i didn't see it i didn't know but uh and then um and then like kind of like actually fucked up like some dude like.

Wait. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that was silly. That was just silly. Listen guys, these are my fans.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be respectful. Yeah, yeah. I fucking hate those guys. But don't say fucking word about those guys. Yeah, so. Grayson's a good dude uh but no um and then um but then like some some guy was with a girl and she was like trying to get into an uber and he like

fought one of the managers to like because the girl was like i don't want him to come with me and he you know so yeah so wow yeah so yeah i can when this first happened was there any part of you So, yeah. So. Wow. Yeah. So, yeah, I can. When this first happened, was there any part of you that felt like, fuck, what have I built? Yes. A hundred percent. But like, because also just, just, I mean, people check out, check out Kyle's videos, but like your videos aren't like, are not like, it's not like a Tucker Max or Bro-E. Right, yeah.

I mean, one of your biggest ones is a boy who's no fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like my most popular one. It's just like a bratty little kid. It's just like a bratty little kid. Yeah. And I do tons of like different characters. I think it's more, it's probably more indicative of like TikTok's market share.

Yes. Than it is your content particularly. And yeah. Of like TikTok's market share. Yes. Than it is your content particularly. And yeah. And it's like the thing too, it's like, you know, once you're literally reaching so many people, the percentage of human beings on earth who suck is like half, at least a quarter. So like, so like if you're reaching that many people, like most of the people there that night were great,

but like, you know, there's just, it's all anyone in the New York area who knows me could have come to that show. And you're just going to get like a lot of shitheads who are also like, you know, 20. Yeah.

Yeah. Did you, so obviously you're banned from this venue, but what did you decide for future shows? Yeah. Did you, so obviously you're banned from this venue, but what did you decide for future shows? Like, did you have any thought of how you were going to change how you did it? Or are you just figuring this out still, you feel like? Figuring it out still.

I mean, like, also, yeah, I mean, it's also been mixed. Like, that was a weird, like, I think it also might've been too. It's like 20 years old who are like kids who are 20 years old, who are really jacked up and like just starting to go out again. Yeah. So like, I've done a few other shows where I'm bringing people out and they

haven't been quite, you know, they've been without incident. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm just kind of rolling with it. And it's like,

get big on Facebook, even out the ages. Get some 80-year-olds. Get their parents there, too. And the parents will tell them to behave. Don't throw that glass. Yeah, yeah. I did actually, recently, I opened for Jackie the Joke Man Martling. Do you know who that is?

I do know. I'm not super familiar. But he was Howard Stern's guy like literally until 2000 so like he was Howard Stern's like funny man from whatever it was 1985 to 2000

and like he's kind of been riding that thing so he's like very there's a whole there's a whole crop of comics who have ridden the Howard Stern from the 90s and they still live off that. Yeah. And, and his, and like, you know, judging by like the era and the fact that he was on Howard Stern, like his whole, you know, it's like, you know, this Puerto Rican girl's pussy

was, you know, like that's his whole vibe. And so the people who came out to see him in Camden, New Jersey, they, they, like, the people, like, you know, had me open for him, and um, yeah, they were, like, totally baffled by, like, what, because also in my live act, I, like, play a guitar, and it's, like, I'm doing the characters, and

uh. Yeah, he, I mean, he does, like, straight up stand-up. Yeah, like, and very old school, like, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, how did they school, like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So how did they receive you? Did you win them over? No. No, they didn't like me at all.

They were like, they were like, they were one step away from booing me. Like, they were like, all right, I'm going to do one more. They're like,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no more at the end I was like

ask your grandkids about me I'm sure they know who I am and they were like they wanted to be shit on they were like yeah we're old as fuck yeah I do mine with that as I say congrats on surviving the 1918 flu and like

they love it. They love it. All right, let's take a quick commercial break here. Think about something you're good at. Now think about how you got there. Chances are you had someone to help you get started. If you're thinking about starting to invest, Questrade's award-winning support team

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I, I probably didn't wait long enough for that, but that's fine. That's fine. That is very interesting. It's just very interesting. I've been with a lot of comedians. Comedians are building fan bases,

and we're doing it through an algorithm, and sometimes we don't necessarily dictate, or especially depending on how we're going viral or what app we're going viral. I suppose if you went on TV, if you went on The Tonight Show, it was kind of a wider segment of an audience back when The Tonight Show meant something true but with these apps sometimes

it can be very very specific i mean i'm sure you have a i'm sure you have a ton of fan base who can't who are 12 and 15 literally yeah which is great you know so does taylor swift but uh it's an interesting challenge to navigate as you grow right right yeah it's just the sort of the nature of the beast yeah but like your comedy is dark i mean you have a dark you're some of your tiktoks do have a very dark you don't you don't get it up which is good right yeah 100 like i don't and also like my voice and the style i do on tiktok is like an extension of like what i've been doing all like you know what i mean again it was a total accident that i started blowing up there it wasn't like you know i was like i need to hone my hashtag strategy like you know what i

mean like i just kind of i've just and also it's good too because i try to post every day so i can't really like think too hard about for sure what is gonna you know appeal like i kind of have a sense after like doing it now for as long as that, for, you know, a year, but, um,

and you have, I wanted to talk about your, your voices. Cause you have some different voices and I always feel very self-conscious. I don't have a lot of funny voices and Russell's jokes about, remember that one time at rehearsal, I got really upset. Yeah.

I remember I was doing a new character and they said like oh that sounds like the last character and I felt very offended no I have let me say let me say this

I felt bad about the calling you out and saying well you're bad at improv it's the same voice but I will say it's a great voice it's a

it's a really good old man voice my voice is all my voices I have I have Goldblum which I do in my acts sometimes. He's going to do them.

I want to get to your voices. We're going to see who has the most. I have the John Mulaney voice. And then I have like, it's kind of like it's my Daniel Day-Lewis, my Frosty the Snowman, where it's like how do you do it?

Yes. Children gather round. It's a regalness to it. And then the old man voice is here, and that's it. And that's all that I have. That's all I have in my whole

roster. There's range there, though. It's old man to middle-aged man yeah now what are what are your go-to voices uh see i don't think of it that way when i approach shut the fuck what are you like what are you like staple like you just you don't have a lot of time you're not building a character you have i don't know i stenographer what what's that voice? It's like interrupter, kind of like, you know, it's kind of like, I can't do it now. I can't do it. See, see what I mean?

I don't want to do this. I don't want to do my voices for you. I don't have voices. I don't think of them like that. What's your stenographer? Do you want to realize the stenographer? Do you know what I mean?

Like, they're all just like... A stenographer, can you read that back to me? We haven't done that sketch in four years. You think I know one line from that sketch right now? But...

And then the only one I can think of is the fat voice like that. The one you've been doing for the last hour? Piggy boy. Is it piggy boy?

Yeah. So just so you know, I have a sketch where basically it's like they they uh the the people auditioning the person they they they can't say we're looking for the funny fat friend so they're saying all these other things around and he goes yeah a funny fat friend of like well we didn't say fat we didn't say fat. But you're breathing heavily. You're sweating. You're sweating. You're sweating. You're a little diabetic.

Like, it's just like, it's just like, and it gets them coaching him into being an actual pig. So, but yeah. So, what,

what are, what are, what are your voices? You have, what's the, the boy, the boy who's no fun? the boy,

the boy is like, seriously, knock it off yeah and that's uh that's that um and then i do well a lot of also my voices i kind of do like a slight variation but it's all you know i do one like foreign voice which is like eastern european like my eastern european is the same as like my bra whatever. It's like, yo, honestly, I can't believe you're doing that right now. Seriously, that's crazy. And then, what are some...

I actually, for as many different voices as I do, I'm really actually very bad at impressions. I can't do impressions of specific people. I'm not great. I mean, I have to study. I've like, I've like nailed to, or like,

I've not, I got to like, no, I'm saying like, I have to like really do it for months. I know. I know. Do you have to?

Do you have to? I have to. For the sake of laughter. For the sake of humanity. I have to do this impression. But that's the thing. If I don't, then who will?

Yeah. But like there were moments like people the thing. If I don't, then who will? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there were moments, like people said I looked like, oh, I forget. Who was the, was there a, I forget. There was some politician people said I looked like for a little bit. Oh, John Ossoff? John Ossoff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, people are like, do it now.

And I'm like, this could go viral. But I'm like, I don't, I'm watching it. And I'm like, I don't, there's no hook. Jeff I'm watching it I don't there's no hook Jeff Goldblum Mulaney there's a real hook yeah yeah yeah yeah and do you have any impressions I literally have one that actually somewhat sounds like the

person but can you do it and we guess yeah yeah actually yeah um um shut your fucking mouth! I've seen the video, so I know what it is. But can you do more? Until Russell gets it.

Do it until Russell gets it. Wait, if I say something specific? Not necessarily. Okay. Chocolate starfish! And the hot dog flavored water! Is this from SpongeBob? Just because you said water?

Starfish? No, it's a singer turned Is this from SpongeBob? Just because you said water? Starfish? No, it's a singer turned low-budget commercial director. Yeah. Popular singer. 1999! He did it all for the nookie. The guy from Green Day?

That's just a lack of education. I was like, of course he's going to remember Chocolate Starfish. Oh, Limp Bizkit? Limp Bizkit and it's Fred Durst. And again, that's the closest I can get. That's like the best impression I could do. Did Fred Durst direct commercials now? Yeah, he directed an eHarmony commercial recently. Oh my God. You guys, you know so much about Fred Durst direct commercials now? Yeah, he directed an eHarmony commercial recently. Oh, my God.

You guys, you know so much about Fred Durst. Oh, if you told me you worked with him, I would, like... I mean, he'd be a great guest. I feel like in a couple years, he will be accessible. Not because of our rise, but because of his decline. No, he's back. He's back. There is a Limp Bizkit...

I am a Limp Bizkit apologist, and there is a whole movement happening right now. I'm telling you, next five years, it's already happening. There is going to be a complete critical reevaluation. It feels like that movement and the white nationalist movement

are closely aligned. I'm rooting for them too. I'm rooting for them too. The same on those two. I do like Limp Bizkit a lot. I understand why people find them corny, but when I was in third grade and I didn't know what Nookie was, I didn't know

it's like pussy. And I also remember so distinctly in third grade, because there's a like, stick it up your yeah, and then kids are like, I remember so clearly like, yeah, you're allowed to say it because he's not saying ass. He's saying, yeah.

So it's like totally like the teacher was like, hey, he's like, no, I said, yeah. It's the same as the Let's Go Brandon. Yeah. Right. Let's Go Brandon. We're not saying it. We're not saying it. Chocolate Starfish was, that's an asshole.

Okay. But what is the hot dog flavored water is that i think that's like duty water or something like if you if you like shit and i think it's like diarrhea or or if you're sitting in a bath like you know like yeah i think i think it's like it's your bath water after you get out why is he shouting those two things he goes chocolate starfish hot dog flavored water because he just rules i feel like hot dog flavored water. Because he just rules. I feel like hot dog flavored water is pussy. Like pussy juice.

You may be right. And he's down there. Because your wiener is hot dog. Yeah, but I think he talked about Nookie for a long time. I don't think he's like now talking about like going down on men. Oh, I see. I think that would be a good pivot for them. Did you ever see them in concert? No, no, no.

But they're touring again. I feel like you would be a good opener for Limp Bizkit. I mean, come on. Don't tempt me. That's the dream. That would be incredible. Yeah, someday. Someday.

Fingers crossed. Well, let's go on to... Did you think of one today? Yeah, I did. Let's go on to our next segment. This Has Got to Stop. I don't like ad agency. I forgot to put in the...

My God. We did a best of episode. I don't like ad agency. This is Caleb here on... Son of a fucking bitch. This is really embarrassing. Russell, can you do this has got to stop uh welcome to this has got to stop we talk about something that needs to stop

um uh i think uh you go do you have one yeah um what it's got to stop yeah well uh we have really done it has ended up being like a lot of like cynical comedy talk, but I actually was based on something I saw that you posted. Um, this has got to stop. John Marko posting. Uh, yeah. Um,

the article in the New York times about that comedian who was like, I quit my job. And now I like, I, it was like, the article title was, it's never too late to quit your job and now i like i it was like the article title was it's never too late to quit your job and become a stand-up comedian and it's like fine do it but don't like encourage other that's one of the worst that's the one of the worst things you could do is to encourage other people to like quit your job and fucking.

I didn't read the article. I just reposted it saying no. Very unkindly. I'm sure I'll have to be on a lineup with him someday. People need to come up with the idea themselves. Yeah. They shouldn't be discovering and being like, you know, that is a good idea. Why are you encouraging them?

Do you feel that way about, because like comedy to me, it's going the same way these improv schools followed. If you look at like the actor studio and all the movie stars came out of the actor studio and then UCB, it all came out of the studio. And then eventually acting got so systemized, you started being able to major in it in college. And there's acting majors all over the country, all over the world.

Emerson already has a comedy major. And I'm sure, given, I think comedy follows the exact same trajectory of acting in terms of an art form that was inaccessible. You hear old stories about, like, how did you get into comedy? I went to George Carlin, did a show, and I went up to him after the show, and he said, write me three jokes tomorrow. But everything becomes more accessible. Now you have master class series, So people like get their education like that. So the question is, is accessibility a harmful to the craft?

Or are we only saying that from a privileged place of already being in it? I'm saying if you're 50, right? The premise of this article is like, it's never too late. It's never too late. I'm, I'm coming at it from a perspective of like,

if you're working and you have a job and and and you hadn't left the job already like and the reason that you're leaving the job is because you read this article then i'm like no no i i think you should have had to come up with the idea yourself like i'm just saying they're in this very specific situation i don't think someone who is at home who is like, then read this article and then they're like, you know what, I should quit my job.

How did you get into the comedy? How did you get into comedy? The New York Times. They told me to. I'm using it as a very specific example. I understand. Of a thing. I just feel like there's enough people doing it.

So we don't need to encourage someone who didn't have the idea to do it. There needs to be more like amateur spaces versus professional space. Yeah, a hundred percent. Like do comedy, have fun doing it. And same with anything, but it's like, you know, some like 55 year old guy with like two kids and like, you know, a family is like, Hey, yeah, I quit my job. I'm, I'm, I'm picking up the cello again. Like, you know, like you've got like

the problem with it being comedy specific is that everyone thinks they're funny is sure like like you you mean everyone thinks they're funny right well there's that too that too you're like you're just you're you're people are like you know what i like like and everyone tells that they're funny or they're crazy. Everyone's crazy. This is the problem with improv too, I think, where their improv is known for being notoriously terrible because everyone goes to the 101 shows of their friends and it's so accessible as opposed to becoming like a vaulted art form.

And I feel this way about stand-up too, where they become so much bad that people see it and then they go, I don't like this. You see one bad stand-up comedy show you might never go to a stand-up comedy show again for the rest of your life. And so I do agree this has got to stop

getting into comedy. I'm going to round it up for you. Doing exactly what we do. Close the doors. Close the doors. No one else for 20 years yeah yeah this has got to stop making all of the decisions i made yeah yeah uh russell what is your this my this guy stopped so i was home for some time and uh it's a very small town and people

love this thing they love this thing they love that you go to the dunkin donuts and the people ahead of us bought the coffee for the people behind us right and then then we're like we're gonna buy the coffee for the people behind us you know so and they love they love talking about it they're like being my parents they're like they they were there and they're like i didn't pay for coffee once this week and then and i'm like well then but then you pay for the people behind you and they're like yeah yeah but it's this nice thing this little town does and then you get to the window and it says big huge sign biggest sign bigger than the hours of dunkin donuts on there no tipping so like like all these people who are already gonna buy coffee are just buying coffee for someone else

and patting themselves on the back being like look how nice i am i'm so good and the workers in there no tipping no tipping for these hourly workers and it's just like like like no like a nice thing would be throw that throw your money at the throw it at but respectfully give your money to one of the workers there instead of like it's just this weird thing you're like everyone who shows up into the Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru line already had the intention of buying coffee.

It's not like, you know. Everyone gets to feel good. They get to feel generous. And nothing happens. And they've done nothing. Yeah. So it's just weird.

Nothing. Like, unless you're like, really like, I let that person buy from me and I didn't pay it forward do you know what i mean that's kind of shitty too there's just this thing where it's like a false thing where how does it work exactly so they're at the cashier and they say you know

what i got the people's behind me and then you go you buy your own and the people so some of the first person i've never heard of that my dad literally said he hadn't paid for coffee one time what except for the coffee he bought for that. Every day, let me tell you, every day while I was home, I was the one buying the coffee and it never happened once to me there. Because I was prepared to be like, no, I'm not paying it forward. I'm like accepting

free coffee and moving on. But never happened once to me while I was there. But my dad said the week before he went, didn't pay for it once. It was before Christmas. Maybe that's what it is but uh i don't know so um it just feels like a false thing like it's like i hear you i wonder why the drive and the it just really bothered me that the sign was so big yeah no tipping like like but like we're all like oh god we're doing this great amazing thing for the town wonder why. I wonder why would you say no tipping?

It's the corporate. I'm sure it's the... I don't think it's the... It really is the worst of capitalism. It's not helping people who actually need help while giving the people consuming the feeling of doing something really great. Now, let me ask you this, Russell, since it does make you upset. What would you tip a Dunkin' Donuts cashier?

Well, that's a good question. I would do it like I do any store. If it comes up on my thing, like you know the percentage thing, I always do 20%. Really? Yeah. But it has to come up on the thing. Because if it's a tip jar, I never have cash. But if I did have cash with a tip jar, I do a buck or two.

Because let's be honest, like, that's like, that's how it works. In your mind, if you're doing it with a card, it doesn't feel as thing. And I always just do the 20%. Unless it's like a really negative interaction, that's 15%. Really? Always. Negative is 15? Well, if it's a quick, if it's a quick, if it's a quick if it's a quick if it's a

quick like i'm waiting for coffee for a long time i've i've i will never do under 20 in a restaurant i will never do under 20 restaurant i will give you that no everything else i'm still figuring it out no i'm only saying the way of like of like you're plugging it in they spin it around and it's like here's the tip options and you you're like, I always just pick 20. It's easiest one to do. Yeah. But Dunkin' Donuts doesn't do that. There's no tipping.

No tipping. There's no tipping. They can't have a jar, nothing. I want to find out why. I want to find out why. What kind of chaos, what kind of incident happens. Do you tip? If you were to get a coffee.

Yeah. I would wait till they're turning away, grab them by the arm, pull them back around, take their hand, put a hundred dollar bill in there, slide it in and say, you are so brave.

That's because you got that TikTok money. You can start tipping hundreds. I've been, especially at the comedy sellers, someone told me they were like, they're like, be generous tipper. But I know, but like you're getting paid there in cash. And I've been, especially at the comedy cellar, someone told me they were like, they're like, be generous, tipper. But I, I know,

but like you're getting paid there in cash. And I've been, I've been very generous. Yeah. But I, I'm very curious. Like, am I generous or is everyone doing what I'm doing?

And these waiters are cleaning. Always. Yeah. Um, uh, yes, my, my,

this has got to stop. Uh, I was just trying to think which one I wanted to do. I am sick. This has got to stop. I was just trying to think which one I wanted to do. I am sick. This has got to stop. Verification is getting out of control for logging onto websites. There's so many websites I have right now that I have to verify on my phone. And the password system has failed.

The password system has failed. The password system has failed. It is a matter of time that everyone that I'm friends with on Instagram or Facebook that is over 50 year old, it is a matter of time before I get a message from them advertising a Bitcoin deal that just got them a Lexus because they got hacked. And I'm always like, what are these motherfuckers passwords? Because I don't have a crazy password.

But I can't tell you the number. My aunts, my uncles, everyone over 50, at some point, they get hacked and they send me something. So now,

they have all these websites where you have to verify it on your fucking phone and I log on my literal phone and they say, we're sending a text message every time you log in, two factor,

and it's not going to work. No. They're going to crack that. Then we're going to go to three factor identification and at a certain point as much as i don't want like a a surveillance state i'm like well maybe i would give up my freedoms just to avoid a three factor it's gonna get there it's gonna get there five factor five the phone you're gonna call your mom the phone you have to go your printer print it out print out the code call your mom uh so i i just i don't know what we're gonna do but we haven't figured it out i i i have a

thumbprint reader on my laptop and i still have to verify yeah and uh i just certain sites i'm like hack it you get into my amtrak account what are you gonna do yeah? Do you get mad at me when I get logged out of your Amazon Prime and I contact you and say, I need to have you update me? The counter reason is I'm stealing from all these companies. Right now, if I really were to lay it out, I mean, Tova's family, I got a couple of their accounts. Tova's using one of my accounts. You're using my Amazon.

I'm using my sister's Hulu. I mean, it's a real complex web. Oh, it's all over the thing. I'm using your brother's account for something. Are you? Just give me that look. Give me a look like you haven't given me the password twice. No, no, no, no, no.

Wait, but you're not using my... What are you using on my brother's? I thought I'm using your brother's HBO. No, I took that away from you because you said you didn't need it. You said you had, yeah, you said you had access to HBO Max. I think I got it from Toby's family. There's someone more deserving. There was someone more deserving.

There's someone who needed it and you weren't using it. You got mad and you were like, we only have five of those. Yeah, well, I gave it away. I found someone finally i was looking i was i was panicked that there was five options and someone wasn't using it there is on my tv in my apartment i genuinely don't know the source of any of the streaming services the accounts like i've had a lot of roommates also i'm like the one person who's been at this apartment for like four years and a lot of people have cycled through I'm a really good guy

but yeah I can't tell you like like I'm someone's grandma it's like account is just like Grammy and Grampy I'm always on that one because I'm figuring like they'll never be able to know if someone's fucking with their like HBO algorithm you know so I always on that one because I'm figuring like they'll never be able to know if someone's fucking with their like

HBO algorithm. Yeah. So I always use that one. Yeah, but I couldn't tell you where any of them came from. Yeah. And then it's not as fucks you up. There's a series

about late night talk shows on HBO and Tova thought I was watching it but it turned out her brother was watching it so Tova watched it on her own and I was like,

why wouldn't you watch this with me? And she said, I thought you were. It was her brother. Wow. So it can get tricky. And I was like, why wouldn't you watch this with me? And she said, I thought you were. It was her brother. Wow. So it can get, it can get tricky. There's a couple downsides.

All right, well, let's go to our final segment. It's not, I was about to press the button, but I know better than that because I know it is not working. So Russell,

you've got to count your blessings. You've got to count your blessings. You've gotta count your blessings. That was great. I think we're gonna start using those. That's a voice! That's a voice! You got a voice! There you go. There you go. That was your fat singer voice.

Russell, do you have a blessing for us? You know, I don't. That sounds, go first. Go first. My girlfriend took me to a spa retreat for two days. And when I say like, this is something I would never have done on my own,

but I very much look forward to. Like, I got a massage, stoned. And I, I was, first I did the first part on the, I was on my back for the first part,

for the happy ending part. And it was, I was stoned. I started getting existential and it reminded me of when I had surgery. And so for a second I was freaking out.

But then they flipped me over. And then, it was very nice. And then you got another happy ending. you got another happy ending you got another happy ending i got the the rim job and i was so stoned for i almost i was this close to asking for a pen because i kept having like sketch comedy ideas oh god i was like i was like do i ask for a pen no i should but like it was one of these things like this was this was

tova's uh gift i was her guest and you know when you are not paying for stuff it makes it a lot more enjoyable when things don't go right you don't really give a fuck yeah because you're like you're not keeping track of all this shit and the one thing that we did that was very nice but probably a waste of money was we did a sound bath where you lie on like these pillows and they you know they first of the whole thing was like very like loosely Asian themed. I didn't see one Asian person there, but just like, there's like, there's like, it was in like, it was a watermill New York. But just like, just like, you know, when they hit a gong and you're like, I think this is racist. There's something about like, you do a white, get a little bell get a liberty bell i don't know

but uh there's a sound bath and we we lie down and you know they they they essentially get wine glasses and go like and we fell asleep so goddamn fast and that's like a like a 300 nap yeah and it felt good oh uh so you deserve it thank you we had a very we had a very lovely time uh we they had movement classes every morning but they were like they were like like yoga and but it was the kind of movement for like 90 year olds yeah and there's something about this very relaxing but so nice for me because of the way i am i'm always like it's so nice i'm like well this is the best life can get this is like the goal. I guess would be to die here.

Like this would be the place to die and things would be as good as they could possibly be. The best food, massages and sleep. And when you're at the top of the mountain, all that's left is to go down. Yeah. Six feet under. So I take back the blessing.

It was a really exponentially upsetting time. Wow. Were you guys, were you guys naked the whole time? There were definitely some, there was a, there was a really substantially upsetting time. Were you guys naked the whole time? There were definitely some. There was a sauna. A sauna thing. It seemed like we were allowed to be naked.

But then these people kept coming by taking trash. And they almost saw me at some point. But yeah, a lot of naked. A lot of naked. Or bathrobes. A lot of bathrobes. A lot of walking around in sweat of naked, just their bathrobes, a lot of bathrobes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of walking around in like sweatpants and tank tops and like very, very weird, very weird mood.

And again, if I had been paying, would have had the worst time of my life. But because I wasn't, it was heaven. I also went to a spa for the first time in my life pretty recently. So my girlfriend and I went with a few other people, like my high school friends like it was like our big high school friend trip kind of we all went to mexico and uh we did um

yeah we went to a spa and um yeah we were all like naked together and like me my high school friends like we've seen each other naked but, that was a bit like the protocol was unclear. Like when we, cause there were times when, like, dude, how long can you look? Like,

what do you mean? Can you touch? Like, what do you mean? Yeah. It was like, uh, like I gave him head,

but I was like, don't come dude. Like, don't be a freak. Uh, no, but like, you know, I was like don't come dude like don't be a freak uh no but like you know i was like i got into the sauna and then i was like i had to change from the robe to like um uh to like a towel and i was like should i cover up as i take the towel off because like

you're it you know also it's like we're sitting there like splayed out you know and I'm like should I you know cover up we've never seen each other we're like we're in a sketch team and I kind of wish I admire nudity like in comedy like when I think about the funniest comedy thing is that Borat scene where he's wrestling with the guy naked

but like our sketch team is definitely I tried to give you that I tried to I tried to, I tried to, I often try. John Marco is expressed this, that he wants to be more nude, wants to have more things. I've gotten close.

I mean, I've had my bush out, but nevermind. I will tell you my theory. And I just realized this. Now I think we all must have, and we'll see if Russell corrects me just now. We probably all have a-sized penises.

Because I always have a suspicion that the people that love to get it out are because they have no self-consciousness about their dick. Oh, of course. And when my dick's not like it. I got to say this. I got to say, in the year 2021, how many sketch groups are 2022 2022 oh my god how many sketch groups are getting fully naked in front of each other uh some are mothers on the group like what like some are married some are mothers no one wants to see that that big floppy used

no i'm just saying. She just quit her 30-year career. I feel like there was never an opportunity. We weren't coming from an orgy background of like, we all met and we're like, fuck. It was always semi-professional. And we formed a friendship afterwards. Russell had a great sketch where it's,

I'm where they have sushi on naked bodies. It was me and I was in a thong, but I had deli meats and it was like, they find out it's my girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend's parents, and I start crying and all these things. But if I had been naked, would have been funnier.

We got so far as to put a candle in my ass. You took a shot of vodka out of my belly button. We had discussions about you being nude. And I'm not comfortable because I have, and I'll admit it,

maybe no one else on my sketch team will admit it, I have a regular, I think an American average penis based on all my searches. Listen, listen, listen. I think, here's the thing, John Marco.

You have to think of the spaces that we're in. Think about you at the pit striker, five feet naked from someone in the front row. Was that what you want? We're not talking about Broadway house where there's interesting lighting things.

We see the grids at these comedy theater space. It's either all white light on that naked body or it's kind of blue. Those are your two options. I just don't think it's conducive to I don't think you're thinking, I don't think these I don't think people are going to be like rolling I think people are going to be upset.

I think people are going to be upset. So Okay, if we're in a sauna together, are you getting your dong out is this a challenge i'm just curious because i don't know if i would we've never seen each other's penises and if your penis was out i would definitely want to be like look i'm going to be glancing at it can i just get out of the way now and like stare for a little bit? That's my friend. I don't,

I'm uncomfortable because we've talked about it now. It's not going to naturally happen now. And I don't, I don't, I don't know. I had the thought when I was in the sauna, I thought about my,

I thought about you. I thought about, would we be naked with each other? We could, but I feel like we should. It's the right thing to do. Your problem is that we had a discussion. You're like

telling me how long you're going to look at it. It's not like we're just doing it and like, oh, we both got naked. That's fun. Would you rather me say, hey, I'm going to look for a second. Would you rather have one of these where I'm like... I'd rather just enjoy the fucking sauna and not put all this like pressure

now there's a lot of pressure on this sauna experience that we're having I've gone I've gone both in saunas I've done both I did nudity

in acting class where the scene didn't call for it at all and uh there's a joke. God damn it. God damn it. No, I did master exercises.

There was a thing when I did acting class. There was a badge of honor if you were brave enough. And I like, like if you're going to change, like as an actor, one of the acting things was like, can you change authentically? Can you change in a way where you're not like doing it faster

or slower and weirder? I would love for them to see how fast I change in real life. Because that is the authentic way of how quickly I change. It's the fastest you'll see me move. I would love more nudity.

Fine, Tomer call hope I'll write a sketch we'll do a Patreon episode in a sauna the cameras will break from the heat so that was my blessing did you say your blessing? you didn't have a blessing no I have one but it's real quick god what was it no it's so stupid to even share it now

because we just had a no I had a great New Year's Eve I had a lot of fun and I didn't have the TV on didn't do any of the like like countdown kind of stuff just had a really good fucking meal really good drinks had a dance party and didn't have any of that i was not connected to any of the stuff i need the ball drop like it was just a really nice uh felt like celebratory feeling that sometimes sure i feel like i'm usually let down by New Year's Eve. It's like this pressure to have this amazing time, and I felt like it lived up to it,

and I had a really fun time. I think that's great. I think this will really resonate when people hear this on February. All right, Kyle, do you have a blessing? Well, I was originally... I didn't know the scope of the blessing. I was originally going to say upside down ketchup bottles, but I'll switch it.

I mean, that's a good, I mean, is that something you, do you eat a lot? Oh, genuinely, I feel very strongly. You look like you put ketchup on too many things. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I like grew up, we put like ketchup on pasta and like that was like a meal. Yeah, 100%. Oh, boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm open, I like ketchup a lot. No, I, yeah. Ketchup on pasta is pretty gnarly. Yeah meal yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i i'm i'm open i like ketchup a lot no i yeah ketchup on pasta is pretty gnarly yeah yeah yeah yeah it was uh yeah like actually my i was like famous for having like the worst packed lunches uh really yeah like my parents were just like they're actually not bad cooks they're just like kind of ADD and also like, uh, lazy about that stuff. So they'd be like, Oh,

Kyle's got to get to school. And like one time I had a slice of cheese, a pickle and $5 like in my brown paper bag. Was there somewhere to buy something with the $5? Yeah. Like you could, but like, yeah,

you could get it. Like, uh, you can get like a sandwich at the, yeah, whatever. But like, um,

yeah. So, uh, but like, why even include the slice of cheese and the pickle? Like it's just bizarre. So actually, yeah. So, but the upside down ketchup, like really, when did that come out? Like probably like in our lifetime. In our lifetime, for sure. For sure.

Because I just remember, I remember at restaurants, there was like something with the glass bottle. You're supposed to hit the 45 or whatever. And like, there was like, I remember once the ketchup bottle exploded on my father and I got the meal for free. He was very upset. Oh.

No, either you're smacking it or worse, if it's right side up, you're going to get the water. Like, you open it one time. That's the grossest ketchup water. But just turn it upside down. Brilliant. But on the opposite. So I'm very grateful for the upside down ketchup.

But I'm also, I hate when people have the upside down ketchup and then put it back the right side up. Yes. Defeats the whole purpose of having it upside down. No, I agree. I agree. It's horrific. I agree. That's a good one. That having it upside down. No, I agree. I agree. It's horrific. That's a good one. Yeah, I do like that. Very grateful. And we saw it invented in our lifetime. What a beautiful

gift. What a gift. It was worth being alive for 9-11. Russell, do you have anything to plug as we wrap this up? Well, I don't know when this is coming out in February, but if you're still alive and there's shows and it's not too late, February 11th, Uncle Function will be at Asylum NYC. So get those tickets.

I think we should start, we should start like, because these episodes are recording them a little bit earlier, we should just start talking about variants that will have come out just go to the greek alphabet and be like oh what's that yeah like oh well if zebulon doesn't cancel this one and you will be right we'll be right or we'll be dead one of the two things don't they know whatever the next one would be or no they come up with that i think so but it must be i just don't know how they decide like who claims it first like who oversees it, what if there's two variants, who gets the next letter. They're going to cycle through Greek letters and it's just going to be hurricane style.

It's like, oh, we got Jason. I love that. I love that. They said that with hurricanes, with male names, people took it more seriously. That's how dumb we are as a fucking species. That's how dumb we are as a fucking species. So for me, assuming this comes out in time for there,

I'm going to be in Chicago headlining the Lincoln Lodge February 17th. I am going to come to that one. And then, oh no, I thought I was doing more gigs this year. Just follow me online at your Marcus. There's lots of gigs. There's lots of gigs coming up. Big breath to read all those dates

I uh shit the fuck okay I'm gonna be headlining the Grove Comedy Club in Arkansas March uh 17th

through the 19th uh are you laughing at Arkansas no no god forbid I was gonna start a new bit

where I just like say I hate the venues that you're going to without knowing anything about them good good the Grove

that's a good name I have to say I did see the clip where you came going to without knowing anything about them. Good, good. The Grove. That's a good name. I have to say I did see the clip where you came up with the fake name. I loved it. Russell came up with those. Oh, beautiful. I loved it. If he has a pen, he can be very funny. And anything you want to plug? Yeah. Yeah, no.

You can follow me on social media at KyleGordonIsGreat, and then I'll hopefully be doing some shows in the spring. I've got some in January, but you guys fucked that up. Sure. Yeah, no, just follow me and keep an eye out because I should have some shows coming up in the spring. Sweet.

And I usually like to say some way to wind it down negatively. Sometimes I don't feel like it. Don't do it. And nicely. like to say some way to wind it down negatively. I always, sometimes I don't feel like it. Don't do it. Don't, and nicely. This was a nice conversation. Yes, I'll look at your wiener. Yes, you look at mine. This is the downside.

One, two, three. Downside. Downside. Downside Downside