The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #8 How to Survive a Moose Attack with SallyAnn Hall

Episode Date: April 20, 2021

Moose and bears and pedophiles, oh my! Stand-up comedian/Alaskan SALLYANN HALL (winner of the 2017 She Devil Comedy Festival) joins us to talk about the downsides of growing up in Alaska, getting a dog in quarantine, being an au pair to a family of Italian jockeys, and pornography. Gianmarco also talks about how he almost got put on the no-fly list from yelling “F#CK” (to himself!) at an airport in Wisconsin. This is a very negative/good episode.  Join The Downside Patreon for ad-free and bonus episodes on the 1st and 15th of every month. This month's bonus episodes explore the downsides of funerals and celebrity encounters. Fun and sad! Follow SALLYANN HALL on twitter & instagram See her virtual show 'Half-Baked Alaskan' May 28th, 29th, 30th, & 31st Listen to SALLYANN HALL & IRENE FAGAN MERROW’s podcast ‘Good Pornin’ America' Follow GIANMARCO SORESI on twitter, instagram, tiktok, & youtube Check out GIANMARCO SORESI's special 'Shelf Life' on amazon & on spotify Subscribe to GIANMARCO SORESI's mailchimp Follow RUSSELL DANIELS on twitter & instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

okay here we go uh russell how are you doing i'm i'm okay how are you i just play the music oh my god you're listening to the downside with john mar Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi. Hello. Hi. Welcome to The Downside. How are you? I love that on your computer, it looks like a notification for unemployment is popping up. Oh, so I have a,

this was back when I was getting, you know, the pandemic insurance. Yeah. And I was so, there was a couple of weeks I forgot to file for it and it was like a huge to do to retroactively get the funds so i put like an alert for every day in my calendar to file for unemployment but you spelled it wrong you spelled in employment in employment yeah well that's why i'm on in employment is because i can't even spell it right on my phone if i if i

fuck up a spelling i guess i guess i'm very. No shame in it. I just thought it was funny it popped up. Yeah. I mean, it's very sad to see that pop up on a Saturday morning in employment. Yeah. Well, you said you're okay, which was surprising. I wanted to tell a story too, but I'm worried about you. No, I'm fine. I'm okay.

We got some bad news. My dog has cancer. my god uh we you know we're seeing an oncologist next week so but it's you know he's older uh and this is kind of what my wife and i we wanted to how long have you had this dog two and a half years but he was like we got him when he was like seven or eight. So what's the dog's average age? I think that, you know, 10 to 12, it can get dicey for bigger dogs, you know? So, yeah. So, and this is, you know, we got an older dog with this whole kind of idea of like, so a dog that's been in the shelter his whole life, let's give him a few nice years.

You know, we've had this whole pandemic to spend every moment with him and get all that thing. So we talk about this thinking a little bit more. So like you want to do a good deed? No, it's a little like Nicole. She had her first dog for like 10 years, like since it was a puppy to then it died. And she felt like it was like this kind of in the way it died. It was a bit traumatic.

It seizures that kind of thing. it was like this kind of, and the way it died, it was a bit traumatic seizures, that kind of thing. So she felt like we we've talked about like now, you know, we don't have to have our next dog for 10,

15 years. It's fine. If we have lots of dogs just for a few, you know, like it's, and it feels more natural this time. He's, he's in good spirits. He's just,

but it's, it's like definitely like it's harder to pee and poop and things like that and he's adjusted to the the you know the doggy pad things yeah so he uses that he can go once and then he'll be able to hold it and go outside but it's just like we just don't know if it's like next month or like months you know so we'll we'll know a little more next and a dog is this a because i know there's a vet and like people do jokes about the fact that vets have to cover all the animals where we have ents doctors yeah so this is a dog cancer specialist yes he must cost a shitload of

money i think depending on what happens like so it's like if he looks at it and he's like, okay, you could, you know, depending on, on what he or she, or they say, um,

it could be good. Good Russell. It's like, I don't know who it is. So, um, the, it could be a dog.

Yeah. It could be, it could be a cat. Um, but depending on what they say, uh, we, we will kind of assess, you know know because the dog health insurance for your dog is that we do yeah but but somehow it's like regular health insurance we're like what the fuck is this paying for because we've paid for both

trips that we took him to the vet recently and for the tests so some of them might be covered we're not sure but it's like one of those things where you're like why are we paying 150 a month for for this health insurance you know for so i don't know um but uh is there a number in your head that you're like if this is the number we're putting him to sleep no there's no number in your head not now five five grand well i don't want to i won't play this game what's the number i don't know to, I won't play this game. What's the number? I don't know. Doctor sits you down and says, is it 50 bucks? No, no,

no, it's not about the number. It definitely is about like, if they're like, oh, this will extend his life for a month or two. You're like, that's not really,

do you know what I mean? Like, it's like, how much would you want someone to spend on you? No, no, no. I'm saying,

I'm saying, well, I just don't know what, what they'll say. It seems like, it seems like he's in very, like he can move. He has a lot of energy still.

It's just the peeing and the pooping is an issue. All right, so I'm the doctor. I got Russell. It's a very tough procedure, but we can remove this tumor and he'll actually live another five tremendous years, best years of his life. Yeah.

It's $135,000. Well, yeah. Are you serious? It's's not gonna be that much uh listen i'm not gonna go on record saying i'm gonna kill my dog i'm i'm saying uh i think we're if if it was like yeah treatment will help him for a long like it could be a year then we would do it i my suspicion is that's not the case it's cancer and it's clearly spread. So, um, I think it's a shorter term thing, but we'll, you know, we'll, we're, so we're just treating him really well. And, and, and, you know, uh, he's a very sweet guy.

He, he, he, he, that we can agree on. He, he's very aggressive to people who are not my wife. I don't know. I don't know if we talked about anyone near them but he is we went to we went to new hampshire i think kind of i think at the peak of the pandemic we went on a big trip to no no no in a very in a very low lull we we uh uncle function our sketch team we quarantined we went to new hampshire and uh douglas our friend douglas who's on the patreon episode join the patreon um said they're bringing their dog.

Their dog tried to bite me. And I was like, I was very nervous, very nervous. And you called and you were like, don't worry, Douglas hates. You said Douglas hates dogs. I don't think he likes dogs. Okay, but we got in the car. You picked me up to go to New Hampshire. The moment I got in the car, your dog lunged at me.

Yes. Like I was the cancer. He's very protective of the two of us. That's such a nice thing you guys say, protective. I wasn't fucking trying to stab you. The thing is, he lived in a tiny cage for seven years before we got him. And then now, the other thing too like right when we had started to start and like train him for, for having people come over.

Cause we actually leading up to right before COVID, we had gotten to a point where a few people would come over, we could give him treats, put them on the leash. He, he would bark like for like 10 to 20 seconds and stop and then like just sit. And so we were like, okay, we're making progress. And then the pandemic happened. And so it was like, now it was like, well, fuck well fuck it he's gonna eat anyone that comes in the house so sure so so he doesn't come out if we have people i mean we're not having tons of people over to the house you know uh and if he doesn't he doesn't go to the roof if we're having people up there so it we just given up on

training him to not you know be really aggressive to people coming to the house um but for us he's a baby he just lays in our laps and you know so um so that's that that's great well i i hope that's great i hope that's great thank you um so what's your bad news okay so i'll make this quick so i i was in appleton wisconsin i had my first kind of like road gig. It was a headlining weekend and I was flying back from Appleton. And I think I, I think I kind of lost my, my sense of where I was because I was at the airport and a flight got tremendously delayed,

super early flight, eight 50. I think eight 50 is when it left. Okay. So I got there early, got delayed, got my train, my plane moved. Then it got delayed early, got delayed, got my plane moved.

Then it got delayed again, like by four hours now. And I was going to miss the new plane, whatever. And I didn't hear them make the announcement because I was on my headphones with United Airlines trying to get some kind of discount for this kerfuffle. And they finally told me. And as the woman at the front desk i was like oh well we have to you know fix the transfer now she started walking away and i as i am apt to do i'm a i'm an angry person yeah i in the airport as i would do on the subway platform in new york went fuck oh jamaica and in public in public in airport. And so she turns.

You could get terrorism. I know. So here's what happens. So she was across the way. And this is not a good justification, but I think I'm always like with my anger. Who's she? So the woman at the United, the gate that I was supposed to leave at. Okay.

And she was going to fix my ticket. And she was walking away at this point. And I've always said to myself, I'm like, well, anger issues but i don't i don't aim it at someone it's always to like the air or like an inanimate object like a printer or the trains so it's okay i know it's not so i said fuck and she turned and she said behave yourself and so oh my god that's amazing and i i like you know i you know my rage i was like i was like would you learn to move make an airport work right and so i'm like i'm waiting and i'm just like i'm like okay uh she she finally comes back over uh she transfers me to a woman who works i think for delta and she's just like where you going to go on a Delta plane now.

So I'm working with this woman at the Delta plane. And this police officer comes over. Airport security. No. Hey, so you've been flagged to me. And here's what's going to happen. And I'm like, oh, Jamarco, you. You're on a list.

No. Well, so he's like, so here's what's gonna happen if you have one more outburst you will be escorted from the airport do you understand uh if you resist being escorted from the airport you will be uh put in jail for disorderly conduct oh my god um do you and he keeps going he keeps asking like maybe 20 times, do you understand? And thank God I had the mask on. Cause I had that like, kind of like angry smirk.

Like, yeah, I understand. Yeah. I understand. I understand. And then, and then he was like,

he was like, and you know what? You would, you know what'll happen? You'll get put on a United's shit list. And he says shit list. Like he's the kind of guy who doesn't, he doesn't curse freely.

Yeah. That's the United shit list. There's the terrorist list. And then there's the shit list. You he doesn't curse freely. Yeah. That's the United shit list. There's the terrorist list. And then there's the shit list. You've been a bad boy. Yeah. And he keeps saying, you'll be put on the shit list and you will never fly United again.

And in my, in my, you know, I'm, I haven't had an interaction with, with a, with a officer in this way, maybe one other time in my life where you're,

where you're just like, just be whatever. Like, don't get in trouble. I'm like, I don't want to be put on the fucking shit list. I'm going to be flying for a huge portion of my life, hopefully. And I'm just like, I'm like fuming. And he's doing it in front of the Delta woman, just being like, do you understand?

Do you understand? And he's shorter than me and he's got a mustache. And I'm wearing like a tank top. And part of me, I almost want to be like sir i'm from i'm from new york as if that was like a justification for yelling this was just wisconsin you think it was just like no i think you were being you know i think i also forgot you cannot behave like that in an airport gotta tell you i've seen a lot of bad behavior airports and i've never seen a police speak to someone about it i've seen people yelling things like that so i'm concerned what you were doing was actually crazy do you know what i mean like

all the people that i've seen at airports screaming and being mad and i've never seen someone a police officer talk to someone so i'm worried that your thing was actually crazier than you're telling me right now. I thought you were about to be like, I think it's Wisconsin. I just yelled, fuck it, a woman. I'm not a woman. She was across the way. Okay. But yeah, it's just one of those moments where you're talking to an officer and you're just

like, I just have to. Because I was so close to say, I was you know i'm from new york where we express our emotions like we're from new york where we express our anger rather than okay taking it out at home on our wives like i wanted there's part of me that wanted to say that but i was like that's not the right move no it's not uh but maybe he'd chuckle and be like okay you're charming. I don't think he would. So it was just, I am a yeller. It's from my dad. The line from my dad to me is very direct.

He yelled at people and I always felt, I hated how he yelled at people. I hated him yelling at waiters and things like that. So I think my resolution growing up was like, I will yell at God and inanimate objects. Inanimate and non-existent objects like that will be the solution progress and then if you had a kid if i have a kid he'll be okay he'll be a nice member of society yeah but uh i you know i i forget that i'm a six foot four man and just because internally i know that I'm not a violent person, that not everyone knows that. And fuck Appleton.

So let's bring on our guest. You may have heard a fantastic laugher. It's always good to have a guest who is a great laugher. I always know if she's at a show because she's laughing at one of my jokes that does badly. Big laugh from the back of the room. Exactly like that. Please welcome stand-up comedian, podcaster, actor, Sally Ann Hall.

Welcome to The Downside. Thank you so much. Now, guys, this is very new, and I like the idea. I hate how podcasts, they have an intro that's recorded separately from the interview. So you'd like to have someone sit here awkwardly watching it. Okay, that was the question. That was the question. I'm like, usually they do this after I leave and don't ask me to sit through it, but it's fine.

It's like, tell me my spot time, not when the show starts, you know? We tried it both ways. I was like, do they want to hear the laughs or should I just... No, it's great. I held the microphone away, be like, oh, I forgot I'm not supposed to be here right now well here's my thought my thought is also like when a comedian is on here they like get that this isn't like to complain and like they know the tone or they'll

understand it quickly sure but when a non-comedian comes i think they might not get that like we want them to you know be negative and so i like them to hear i like them to be like hey here's a taste of what it's like it's it's dog cancer and yelling at airports and then they're like okay i see what this show is okay gotcha oh thank you so it was all for my benefit thank you we wanted to teach you i was like complaining we're gonna you know what i'm gonna need to see an example we're gonna mansplain complaining to you. Just give you a real example. I do definitely hear you on the dog stuff.

I got a dog in quarantine. Just like everybody else. And the hell that it puts you through going to the fucking, like he'll eat something and then we'll be like, fuck, can dogs fucking eat that shit? And then it's like the most annoying thing is like when you find an article where it's like can dogs eat chapstick and then they're like dogs may get into chapstick from time to time these lovable fluffs and we're like get to the fucking point my dog is fucking dying so we've had to we've had to rush him several times to the er because he like ate bleach or something.

Oh my God. No, that's bad. And he did. Yeah. Well, we were moving into our new apartment. We're like, let's show the new apartment. And they must have cleaned it with something that was poisonous because he started frothing at the mouth. Oh yeah.

We were like, it's our new place. Champagne. Fuck. Oh no. And this was five days before the pet insurance kicked in and we're like why couldn't you have waited five more days arthur and um so it was just like a like a just a huge bill it's one of those things where you forget you always forget to like you will be like this is great you'll go months and you'll be like this is great having a dog i love it i love it day to day

i love it and then then, then something happens. And you can't poop. Why am I taking you out right now? Like at 3am or something, you're like, why do you have to go out right now? Or, you know,

there's like a thing where, you know, all of a sudden there's a big bill attached to it. Uh, then you all, it happens just infrequently enough for me that I still think it's worth it. Um, yeah, I get so much joy out of it.

I do, but I understand people. John Marco doesn't really like, uh, animals or people it. Yeah. I get so much joy out of it. I do. But I understand people, John Marco doesn't really like animals or people. Well, look, I know. I feel like we're about to change this to the fucking dog side. It's always a weird, like, there really is a divide when people get dogs

where it's just, I'm like, I have nothing to say. You taught me, you said something like, I'm like, I like dogs. And I think you were like, you like dogs, but you don't love dogs. And when I hear the kind of stuff that you guys do i'm like oh yeah i guess i don't okay i like to pet a dog once in a while okay i'm saying here's the thing i like my dog i don't see every dog and go but my dog is so cute and i picked him that way i didn't rescue a dog i didn't i i couldn't i tried um and

i got catfished a lot because this is like right when the quarantine started and everyone was trying to rescue dogs and all and so we had to go to like the shittiest pet store and like use and they were like inflation they're like surge priced yeah no well my sister so my younger sister she she uh during the quarantine her name's Victoria, and she like was fostering dogs and would take these dogs on for six months, take so much care of them and then give them away. Yeah, I can't. Spiral into a depression. I can't do that.

And she has one now named Bruce. I'm not sure what kind of dog, big dog though. And he's like, he was thrown out of a moving vehicle. Oh my. He has like cancer. I think he's deaf. So he's like two or three years to live you're like i think he's dead this year and like and she she loves him and but like you know the talk about medical stuff like something like he got surgery and then she got home and like the stitches like popped open and like you know

there's a pink thing coming out of him and And I hear this from my sister and I'm like, it sounds like you were so excited for our parents to get old and die. You wanted to experience it in a micro. It's so rough. And I hear it and I think I feel this mix of I'm in awe of her and I think it's very admirable. And another part I'm like, are you fucking okay? That you want to go through this yeah um yeah i when people adopt senior dogs i'm like you are a special better person than me if they to be

like i'm i'm here for all of the orans or insane there's always a fine line with people who are super generous where you don't know if they're heroes or they're there's something wrong victoria i love you you're um no i i would have a hard time with the fostering. I think because in my mind, I'm like, if they're coming in, they're mine. Yes, exactly. You know, we're gonna do it. I would have a hard time

like even having it for a few weeks and then being like someone else do it. I would get very attached very quickly. Yeah. And yeah, so, and yeah. For me, it depends on the dog yeah like if he if he stole my heart maybe but there are certain dogs that i'm like i don't like you i i don't like a well yeah i think i would like anything that came in but i i do think i do have biases when i see certain dogs

the ones that are like very much like from a lab you you know, where you're like, that was created. That's not a real talk. You know, in North Korea, North Korea, eating dog is, is a delicacy. So let's move on from dogs. I, uh, Sally, there's a joke I do on stage. It always bombs where I'm like, who's I'm like, who people, dog people or cat people. And I'm like, yeah, I'm a dog person. They taste so much better.

I love that. It's a funny joke. Oh oh god you want to make an audience fucking hate you be a girl who says that this girl likes to eat dogs i have a dog one i've only done it once so i said do you ever think about other dogs when you're fucking your dog and that oh never works bestiality is i have one bestiality bit that sometimes works, but that is a real sub-audience's. How many bestiality jokes that you're throwing against the wall

to see what sticks? I have one. You probably heard it. This was back, it was when the Michael Jackson documentary came out and it was like, how do these,

why do these parents leave their kids with Michael Jackson? I was like, well, we didn't know there were so many pedophiles back then. It would be like

if I told you I shared a bed with my golden retriever you would assume i'm not fucking the dog but then 20 years that hbo documentary comes out and there's airbud being like when he got the peanut butter i knew what time it was oh my god and sometimes it works sometimes it works and then i go into a bit about like you know is having sex with animals wrong if you're a bottom does that make it okay okay? It's not like a power bottom. But like, this is making me uncomfortable.

I know it's the kind of stuff that at open mics, it's like, oh Jesus. So Sally Ann, you were born in Alaska? Yeah. I've heard your act many times. And Alaska. It's really good.

I mean, Alaska, that's, I mean, you got to, you have some good Alaska jokes. It's really good. I mean, Alaska that's, I mean, you gotta, you have some good Alaska jokes. I have Alaska jokes. How much time do you have in Alaska? Could you do a dry bar comedy special 30 minutes on Alaska? I could do probably, I could stretch 30 minutes on Alaska.

I have a song on Alaska now. There you go. I, yeah, I've branched into singing. That's what I've been doing in quarantine well i mean like writing songs that's great it's not i mean i think it's like we all gotta fill some hours so why not it really eats up a lot of time on stage when i'm like 60 minute show

can i bring my keyboard can i just sure because i think the thing with songs is popular even if you're bombing with the song it's still gonna last as long as the song lasts especially especially all the like online shit i've been doing i'm like oh let's do a zoom show here's a couple ditties that i don't need to hear any responses for i can yeah exactly yeah well i think it's the same thing with the song it's same thing with like with sketch where the problem is if it is bombing there's's no off-ramp. I have so many bits. I have so many bits that I've learned over the years.

If it's a big chunk, I can get out of it. Get out on the left. If that first dog fucking joke doesn't land, I move on to cat fucking jokes. I can read my audience. I've always said to you that I wish at Uncle Function there was a rope at the the end of the stage that if you like started a sketch you just knew that it was gonna bomb like you could only pull it once in one show once a show but you could just go and pull it and then they'd be like we're moving on like stop doing it because you're like five minutes if you know it's gonna be a five minute

thing and you're like and you get to that first moment where here's the joke premise of the sketch and then they're not on board like fuck this no we're not gonna do it we misread it we didn't do it right you know pull the cord we can always tell like a sketch is gonna bomb if it like killed with us like we did one where the joke was basically like uh some it was one i think douglas had a family friend yeah where they basically would lie they'd be like my name's paul no it's john i was joking they would lie about the dumbest things that it didn't make sense to lie about we're the rule we're dying at this sketch but you know the first joke is that it's like the misname and then it goes to like they're vegan i'm lying i'm joking man come on you're a comedian wait it was the whole family lied wasn't it the whole family lied

it was the odds someone new meeting like they were meeting their new boyfriend and so I was like you know I have cancer I'm joking you dumbass

at least you seen the look on his face and like we did it and that first one silence and it just builds and it builds to a point

where someone lies about having a peanut allergy and everyone dies we all die a dramatic damn not one laugh and like and when the funniest when we're dying where someone lies about having a peanut allergy and everyone dies. We all die. A dramatic death. And the funniest, when we're dying and I'm lying on the ground dead,

seeing the other people's members, we know we're bombing and there's still a minute more in the sketch and we're just laughing, lying on the ground. Oh my God. So that's what, so.

It's like SNL, when there's like a sketch that went so bad and I'm like, I bet that killed at the table read. I bet that's what that was. Yeah. Yeah.

There was an SNL documentary where there was like the sketch that was killing at the table and then they cut it after dress. It didn't work, but at the table, it was glorious. Yeah, I do. I remember that.

I think about that a lot. Yeah, me too. That that's James Franco. I don't think about that part. It was John Malkovich hosting. Sure, sure, sure. Yes, I do remember that sketch.

So, okay, any downsides to growing up in Alaska? Yes, it's stupid. It's awful. It's horrible. You can't go outside unless you're like covered head to foot. What's the warmest it gets there? Well, actually in the summer, here's the thing. Alaska's huge.

And so there's different climates from like different parts of the state. So if you live up north, it doesn't ever, you'll never see like the sun or grass or anything like that. Yeah. I live down south in Anchorage where the majority of people live in like the little ball sack and called the Kenai Peninsula. And that we get summers that last about three months. And you hear, you probably heard of the midnight sun.

So that's like, that lasts for about two weeks where the sun won't set fully. It'll just kind of stay on the horizon all night and then just go back up just for a couple hours. So it's like midnight and it looks like perfectly light outside. And it's amazing midnight and it looks like perfectly light outside. And it's, it's amazing.

And it's a, it's the shittiest time of year. Cause no one has air conditioning. Cause you only need it like two weeks out of the year. And in Alaska, there's actually very little ozone. So it gets insanely hot. So it looks like 80 degrees,

but you'll get the worst sunburns of your life because there's no protection in the atmosphere. So I got the worst sunburns I've ever gotten. I would definitely be tricked if it wasn't hot outside i'd be like well i'm not gonna get burnt yeah yeah that's definitely you must not burn easily shut the fuck up red hair blue eyes yeah i is it fine it's like do people go drinking because it's light out and it's like oh it's it's day all day yeah so there i i've heard there's like towns where they're like okay it's illegal to serve alcohol from like 4 a.m to like 6 a.m and this is like hearing my dad like talk with his brothers you know i was too young to drink there but from what i understand there's

a huge alcohol and meth problem but um, and then so what they would do is at like 4 a.m. when they're like last call, they'd just be like, give me a bunch of beers and then drink those until six and then they'd order more. Oh my God. I've heard stuff like that. There's about four men to every woman in Alaska.

It's a super- Holy shit. Yeah, because most, a lot of people who work there are like temporary laborers, usually manual labor working the pipeline, fishing, whatever. There's a lot of stuff like that. So there's a lot of dudes and not a lot of ladies. How old were you when you were in Alaska, though?

Zero to ten. Zero to ten. Okay, so you didn't have to see what's dating like in Alaska. No, I never got hit on. I never had that fun experience. But it is the highest rate of sexual assault in the country. Oh, my God. Not to the country four to one which way who's doing it all the women have the power and we're just like come here

bend over all the men watch like uh amazing uh the men are doing that fucking um no i do remember it was very dangerous there's a lot of like creep we this is what we were taught that all like the weirdos from the lower 48 that's what we call you mainland pussies the lower 48 they would hide in alaska and be like because there's so much land and not very much like policing. So, um, a lot of like serial killers and crazy murdery people would go hide out in Alaska.

And I remember there was also wildlife. So my, I wasn't allowed to plan my front yard. I do remember that Alaska was like, I couldn't plan my front yard without permission. Cause there were so many fucking like pedophiles and like moose and bears. You said wildlife and we mixed moose bears and pedophiles yeah lions and tigers and pedophiles that's really what it felt like I remember I walked home from school because there was like

a little shortcut I found from elementary school and my parents beat the fucking shit out of me they were like you do not walk home ever and I was like like, this moose will hurt you. So I'm going to hurt you first. We were, we were very scared in general. I feel like about being kid. I remember being a child and being like 95% sure I was going to be kidnapped. Yeah. By like,

remember there in the nineties, I felt like there was like in the late eighties into the mid nineties. I feel like there was a 60 minutes piece. Gary Goldman has this, has this, it's so funny where it's like, he said was like 50 000 children are captured and then later he was like it's actually 300 and he's like oh that's 50 000 wrong like it's my that's a huge it's a very it's from the great depression that is really funny but yeah i was i was like this is definitely

gonna happen i remember thinking all the time about it like thinking that just people wanted me like people are just gonna like they're like this little girl i have to have this kid This is definitely going to happen. I remember thinking all the time about it. Like thinking that just people wanted me. Like people are just going to like, they're like this little girl. I have to have this kid. Why? What were you, were you scared of moose or bears? Like were you? I was, I was, I was not scared of men or like strangers.

Cause I thought, I thought I could kick fucking anyone's ass for some reason. I was like a five-year-old being like, I ain't afraid of fucking nothing. And my parents were like, you are i you are grounded like you stop going outside i like try to run away a lot but no moose scared the fucking shit out of me what do you do when you see a moose so actually um so anchorage alaska is um not it's famous for not having very nice people live there i feel like every time i'd go to any other city, like town or village in Alaska, they'd be like, Oh, you're from the big city. Like there's so many now they're the big city. Yeah. And so our neighbors, I knew some of my neighbors, but I also had a lot of neighbors that were not fucking nice at all. And I knew that. And, but when I saw a moose, you go to the

nearest house and you go moose and then they go come in and they let you in and you wait until the moose passes that's how you do it yeah uh yeah you would just they're very aggressive yeah russell you fucking idiot i'm sorry does anyone have a keyboard i have a song about this i have a i have a moose song yeah moose are terrifying moose are in moose are enormous moose are so much bigger than you could ever fucking imagine. Bigger than a horse? Yeah, they're way bigger than fucking... Bigger.

DeMarco. Bigger than a horse. Oh, shut the fuck up. You just didn't know. Wait, so if you don't have a neighbor's house to go into and just chill, what do you do? Yeah, what do you do? Do you run? Do you make yourself big?

No, no, no, no, no, no. You try... So you run. You run? That's the word for hoes? Oh, I hate that advice. No, we had no, no, no, no. You, you try it. You, so you, you run. What will I? Oh, I hate that advice. No, we had, we had drills in school. Like we didn't have fire drills cause we're like, what?

You have 30 seconds to get outside. That's never going to happen. These are five-year-olds and they have to be covered in like snowsuits. So, but we had like earthquake drills. Um, and we had like, we had drills for when like a crazy man would come into the school and we were like, well, hide from the windows and stuff. And then we had a drill for moose when a mo man would come into the school, and we were like, hide from the windows and stuff. And then we had a drill for moose, when a moose would jump the six-foot fence onto the playground. You had school shooting drills? This was before.

We didn't have school shooting drills. We didn't frame it as shooting. We're just like, in case a bad man comes in. There were always bad men. Did they say man, or did they say bad person? Man. It would definitely be a bad man. If it was a woman, they'd be like, come in.

Do you want to teach? It's Alaska. They love women. They're like, please, we need more. So moose, you run. Oh, well, because they will charge you. So you don't like run like. So with a bear, you want to get down and do this. But with a moose, what you do is you just try to make sure you don't like run like so with a bear you want to get down and do this

but with a moose what you do is you just try to make sure they don't see you they know you're not and then just walk away slowly just get out of there because if they see you and they were like you you want to fuck with me they will charge you especially if you see a baby moose that's when you're like fuck fuck get out get out of here get out of here baby oh i see and uh for a second i was like i could take a baby moose i was like no it means yeah and i saw i saw a baby black bear running down my street and i was like get the fuck home i am not waiting to see you black bears not grizzly bears yeah grizzly bears are much bigger black bears you're just supposed to make yourself small there's two you need to get the fuck if you see any of these animals you need to get the fuck out

i have read you cannot fight them i've read somewhere though there is a difference between the black and the grizzly one is you're supposed to make yourself yeah but what do you fuck up the two but i don't know which one it is i thought black bear was the big because grizzly you can't but there's a rhyme to it brown if it's black i love that if it's brown stand your ground no there's a rhyme stand your ground there's some there's a rhyme if we had a phone right now they all weren't filming us we can look it up

but there is a thing it's like brown there's a rhyme it's just amazing like I have I have so these small pieces like I think like an alligator

you're supposed to zigzag I was told because they can't turn oh my god I can see an alligator just watching me just going like, not going anywhere and be like, I'm going to eat him.

Oh, he's moving away from me much slower than if he just ran straight. I will never remember any of the things. You punch him in the nose or I suppose. This should be, this should, I learned Latin and that's never going to help me when a bear is getting me being like,

Oh, quit, quit pro quo. You know, for moose, I remember when a moose would jump the fence, what we would do is we'd be like, they'd have like a whistle. And then we'd all be like, okay, moose, and get in our little single fire lines and try to just go calmly into the building without upsetting it. And then we'd all watch the moose from the windows. And then you could tell moose actually are kind of like cats when they have, when their hair sticks up on their back. That means they're really fucking angry.

And then they, and their ears point into, that means they're really fucking angry. And then they, and their ears point into the direction that they're going to charge. So you, so there's a lot of body language for how like dangerous to approach a mood. How many guns? Like, this is the,

one of the few cases where I'm like, give the teachers, this is a good case for teachers with guns. I remember someone was made fun of like a teacher. They're like, what about the wild hog or something? And like in Alaska, that seems

like legit that is legit give the kids kids guns in this one case yeah i'm sure they already had them like it's in alaska well yeah this is a very conservative state it's always red well it is we actually they kind of it's kind of an independent they see themselves as independent it has turned into kind of a trumpy place but uh the the general um like attribute i think of alaskans are like don't fucking bother me i don't want to bother you get the like my there's my grandparents my grandpa was born and raised in alaska and he's still like so mad that alaska is a state that's the last time he voted he was just like like all of his paperwork is like territory alaska you know uh so he's he's just mad he hates they they just hate the rest of the united states like leave us alone we're

that's interesting do politicians even visit alaska was it for electoral votes sarah palin really put us on the map and forge uh politically um yeah it was pretty embarrassing to say before that i feel like that's when i say i'm from alaska for years it used to be like whatever it was and now and then it's just like can you see russia from your backyard she like became the symbol of alaska and i really hated it hated are there any other alaskan comedians no she's she wrote a book of poetry i love jewel i want to i want to make jewel the like alaskan that we're all i have no idea yeah she's from homer that's where my mom's from we're gonna get the word out with this podcast thank you

um have you been back to alaska since you were 10 i yes only once um for my my cousin's wedding and um i don't know i have this like really long this very famous bit um where i stick a tampon in my ass and that happened in alaska when i went back to visit this was recent no i was i was 14. that was the last time i was there do you want to do a show there like would that be fun for you it would be so much fun for me i'd be terrified uh if my family came because they're all pretty kind of terrible yeah you perform for your family yes but i do i like my dad at his 60th was like for your your gift to me i want you to do a 20 minute set and i was like 15 and he was like 20 and i had to and this and my family is like anti-vaxxers like real conservative like like anti-vaxxers before the covid vaccine before it was cool to be anti-vaxxer

yeah so um so i so i did a lot of like moose material for example just 20 minutes of moose but they but they've looked they've looked me up online and like um i've had cousins being like i don't like your camping joke oh my softest take i'm like i think camping is disrespectful to homeless people like it's a pretty basic and then they were just like camping means so much to us oh that's funny so no so i'm like i would love to go back to alaska but i i would i would feel silly because i'm like i don't feel like a very alaskan person they're very tough people i'm a pussy i'm like no it's a different i think it's a different kind of thing like you know you feel more comfortable here which is a different kind of tough i would

think to like thank you like i feel most at home on stage what can i say that's just the type of person i have i want to say that, I didn't know you could give gifts of just doing 20 minute sets. Because. Oh my God, you're like the gift. I have like figured out all my gifts for the rest of my life.

You're like, I know what I'm getting my girlfriend. You have a birthday coming up. Guess what Russell's getting. Oh, thank God. Happy birthday, Russell.

So. Is it going to be new material or? All right. So you, so you were in Alaska till you were 10 and then you moved where idaho whoo really and idaho that was a trip because i remember growing up in alaska you learn about things like spring but you don't actually see them like they didn't actually exist they would like put they would like be like it's spring and then i see like stickers of like flowers and

butterflies but you look outside in alaska we call spring breakup because that's when all the the the bodies of water freeze over and then they slowly the ice breaks and that is our spring season we call it breakup so it's when the snow melts and it's the shittiest time of year it's so disgusting because all the plants are like dead underneath and then everyone and then they're like spring has sprung. And I'm like, this makes no sense. But in Idaho,

they actually had spring and I, and you could ride your bikes to school. Cause there wasn't snow all year round. And I, cause I would watch TV and be like, why are they fucking riding their bikes to school? It's winter. Duh.

Anytime that there's school. Yeah. So it was, it was, it was like, Oh, you can actually go outside and do things a lot and there's still snow but yeah so that but then the weird thing about idaho is that it's maybe the

only place you can move to from alaska and be like why is everyone white for sure it's super white it's like 99 in idaho. So Alaska is more diverse. Alaska is actual Anchorage specifically, um, is the least segregated of all the public schools in like the country of all the cities. So all this, of all the cities of like most of the cities,

I think you're going to say in Alaska and then no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah. Anchorage,

Alaska was cause there are a lot of diverse cities in America, but they're pretty largely segregated, and they're not in Alaska. That wasn't, I remember bringing my yearbooks home, and then all my friends flipping through it, and they're like, why is everybody Asian and black and all this? I'm like, because we had a lot of-

Your friends are fucked up. They were super racist. No, no. Whoa. What's all these Asians and blacks? Oh, you mean in Idaho? this i'm like because we had a lot of your friends are they were super racist no no no they had all these asians and black oh you mean even in idaho in idaho oh yeah so they they didn't they'd never seen a black barbie before they had never oh my god it was crazy my aunt visited me uh in in i grew up in dc maryland and we were in a mall and she was from tennessee i think born and raised and we're in this mall and she was like there's a lot of black people here and there were two and i was like i was like what are you i was just like oh boy this is a different world you live in well in idaho actually the town i

moved to was unfortunately right before i moved there um the aryan nation had just disbanded and that was their headquarters oh god So they actually in high school, they would have, this is so horrible. They would have like white nationalist parades and like everyone would go in like protest and be like, fuck you. But it gave the town an extremely bad reputation.

So all of my friends, I feel like we grew up, they were extremely racist, but they were like, no, no, no, no,

no. Our parents are racist. We're cool yeah but they would be like i never date a black person but like i like you know oh yeah but like my mom she's so i grew up with a lot of people like that who like made me be scary spice because they didn't want to and i didn't understand i didn't because i because i was so young when i left Alaska and, you know. Yeah. We didn't really, you know, I mean. What were these parades like?

Were there floats? I never fucking went to a fucking white supremacist fucking parade. But I can tell you this. I can see like, because you can sing. I can see like looking back and be like, oh my God, I was the lead in the float. And I sang like, I did it my way. I bet you those parades were bad. I bet you not a lot of planning. Yeah, there's usually not a lot of great artistry involved.

It was probably just walking. It was a lot of skinheads walking. Are there a lot of Mormons in Idaho? Yes. My uncle, well, my family in Idaho, and they are Mormons. Where? I have no idea. You know, I've never been.

Why are there so many Mormons in Idaho? We're right above Utah. Ah, I've never been. Why are there so many Mormons in Idaho? We're right above Utah. Ah, I see. Yeah, so I grew up with like, maybe like 30% of the kids in my school were Mormon. It's like constant. Every redheaded kid was a Mormon. I swear to God.

What is it like going back? Because, you know, you're a New Yorker. It's weird. It's weird. Do you change? Do you hide certain things? Are you just fighting the whole, from the moment you get off the airport? God, it really, it kind of does feel hide certain things are you just fighting the whole from the

moment you get off the airport god is it really it kind of does are you yelling fucking airports like me just like fuck no but i do i do i will swear and i will say stuff my parents got so mad at me for telling a woman happy holidays they were like that is so rude did you say it like happy they're like no merry christmas Sally Ann. Happy holidays, Diane. There's other religions out there. My parents would say the latter. She's like, okay, Merry Christmas. Okay, happy holidays.

Sarah. And I'm like, oh my God. And we get in such huge fights about that. Sarah, tell me this really quick. What's your birth name? Oh, Sarah. Sarah. And then how'd you make it Sally Ann? Sally's's the nickname for sarah sally's the nickname for sarah yeah you can google it no no it's like it's like peggy for margaret why i don't know and ann's your middle

name well sarian and then i just changed it so we both struggle with people always want to give us they want to call you sally yes and i'm much more of an annie than a sally but my last name's hall so i so like annie is what i go by like woody on's hot right now he's been trending oh my god so much recently at starbucks i'm like annie because i hate sally i say john i say john at starbucks yeah but yeah i've heard people call you sally and you you know you have to be forceful with them yeah me too i have to be like there's like any nicknames? And I'm like, no, because if I do,

I'll never get called Joe Marco again. I do have nicknames. I mean, actually, I used to go by my initials S.A., but a lot of people, they're like, you know, that's Mexican slang. I'm like, yes, I'm aware.

It's also just my initials. I had those, not where my mind was going. S.A.? What does it mean in Spanish? Like homie. Hello, friend. Essay.

Hey, essay. I like that. That's fun. I actually, so many times on the street, I've like walked by and people like, yo, essay. And I'm like, yes. And they're not talking to me at fucking. Oh my God. But no, like I know, I know in calls in comedy calls me essay, but everyone like at any bar

that I work at as essay essay essay. Yeah. So, okay. So you, you moved to New York. Uh, when did you move to New York? When I was 20. So 10 years in Alaska, 10 years in Idaho. And I just spent, I just 10 years in New York.

Woo. Congratulations. Thank you. All right. So 30, 30. Put a map together. Edit. Edit. Thank you. Thank you. All right. So 30. 30. Shut up. You put math together. Edit. Edit.

Thank you. Edit. Edit. Edit. I've been in New York for three years. 10 years. 10 years. One year in New York.

I moved here when I was 15. So when you first moved to New York, do you go, what'd you go to college for? Okay. So. That was the leading question. That was the most polite way I could figure it that was most polite way i fucking dropped out of high school um and then i fucking was like i just want to like go and like explore around like europe and like blah blah so i i fucked off and then i i was an au pair in italy for a little

bit and then they kicked me out of their house and how's your italian oh that's amazing no it's better than mine oh very much better. Do you speak another language? No. Isn't that pathetic? Do you feel embarrassed? I feel embarrassed. My Italian is better than yours. Very embarrassed.

I did seven years of Spanish. Italian, Spanish, no. Don't take any pride in that. I do. I know three Italian words. It's because I went to you because I had that bit, remember? Oh, nice.

I had this joke. My dad always said, son, la fam la familia tutto, family is everything. La familia tutto. Balla tua madre, uno putana. But your mom's a bitch. Uno putana.

You said uno putana. The crowd that I perform for don't know. Guess what? When I do, I have a joke where I speak Italian, I go, I'll never forget my first Italian phrase.

Le mangio troppo. Do you know what it means? It means she eats too much. Yeah, it's like something means she eats too much. Yeah. It's like something Italians say after every meal. So how was Italy? Well, the country,

lovely. The people who, Careful, big Italian listenership. Oh, careful. That's okay. One.

I, no, I, the country's great. The people who I stayed with were really just like an awful family. They were like, it was the weird, they were like a family of jockeys. Like they were little horse riding people. They were all very small.

They were actual jockeys? They literally owned 12 horses. They had a horse riding school. They were truly jockeys. And actually they had a bunch of like vault vaulting, which is like people doing like acrobats on the back of a horse while it spins around in a circle. They had a school. So I would just go outside and like,

that was the school for that. They called it a reading school. And I'm like, oh, riding. A reading school. So they actually would never let me ride any of the horses because I was too big. So to them, I was like this enormous five foot four. Look at this five foot four woman.

I mean, I'm not gonna lie. I was a chubby teen. But so they were just, and this was like North Italy where that's not allowed. I should have gone to Southern Italy. Really, North Italy? Well, I've also heard jockeys. Jockeys, like eating disorders with jockeys are a big thing.

Like you can't do cocaine because they, they need to be as light as possible. Why couldn't you do cocaine? Because like that was one of the problems is there was a big cocaine thing. Cause that helped them suppress their appetite. If this family had cocaine, that's just one more thing. I'm mad at them for not fucking sharing with me.

They actually would start to hide food from me because, okay. Italians, they like, why is this pasta at the top shelf? Well, they like didn't have breakfast. They went like nine hours in between meals, but when they like, why is this pasta at the top shelf? Well, they like didn't have breakfast. They went like nine hours in between meals, but when they ate, they would eat huge meals. And then I couldn't finish.

And then they'd be like, she's so rude. And then I would like at like five hours later, I would be starving a bit. Can I have like a piece of fruit? And they're like, what is this fucking bitch? Want to eat all the fucking time? But she wouldn't eat when I fed her. So, so they really hated me and they didn't

speak much english and i didn't know any italian so they would just talk about me and that's how i learned and i'm like they're saying i'm fat like i hear that yeah and stuff like that so it was weird and then they kicked me out of their houses how long were you with them a summer two and a half two two months two months and then they kicked me out and i backpacked around europe for about two weeks before my flight home wait so what was the kicking out like what did they did they they threatened so they locked me out of the house when i went out one night and they wouldn't let me back in and they were like like the pasta is running out she actually goes sleep in the stable oh you're serious well she didn't make me but she did say that and i was like

are you serious and she's like sleep in the stable i'm very tired sleep in the stable and i was like and then they like put me back in and they're like you need to leave and i'm like yeah i'll fucking leave tomorrow like how old are you 19 oh that is really tough that is they didn't have any internet i i like i had to walk like i'd like ride a bike like seven kilometers and like through the grape fields like and to go to uh find a bookstore where there was one english book and then i like read about tractors like ukrainian tractors like i read a book about that and like it was uh it was a it was one of the most horrific summers of my life but do you stay in touch with them actually actually january of last year i'm in an airport i fucking hear this voice and my

heart stops and it's the woman who hired me and she's on the phone and she's talking and i see every line on her face and i just go and i always thought i'm like this is my moment scream cunt scream cunt scream it scream it see i'm not the only one screaming in airports but here's the thing i didn't though no behave yourself i literally was like and she just i just let her walk by and was like oh fucking shit that is like like crazy like like 12 years later yeah wow don't fucking age me don't age where did you where did you meet what airport was this this was at jfk i just saw her when you see i remember when i went to sicily that wasily and like,

you ever, you ever run into someone on vacation that you don't, you're not friends with. And so you're just like, Oh, Hey, you, we know each other.

My professor went by. You're like, it doesn't matter. This is just a interesting, but I don't care how you're doing. Yeah. Oh, see,

I'm the opposite. I'm like, well, now we're friends. Let's talk okay okay well well this is crazy have dinner with us no no no no so you went to italy yeah are you glad you did that that's a great experience i think i went to italy i went to europe i went to backpacking and it's one of these things like you should do it before college you learn so much well about

the world and your place in it and okay insignificance so it took me eight years to get through college so uh i had already been so by the time i was 19 i actually dropped out of high school like a record for alaska fuck you so i i just to get like my first degree like i'm not like a master's that's like just a bachelor's um we're like, what was your PhD? Eight years. Like I'm not a doctor. Um, but I, so I was already a, like a sophomore in college because I took classes at the local community college when I dropped out of high school. Um, and so that's why, so I was like, I'm going to take some years off and then I would like fuck off. And my parents actually, when I was stranded in Italy, they're like, you need to come back

to Idaho and go to university for one year and then we'll pay for your ticket home or else you're stuck. And I was like, fuck. So I did that. And as soon as that year was up, I moved to New York and then I ended up going back to college

after I'd lived here for a couple years. And I, women's studies was what I chose. And that, and that's why I'm a unemployed comedian. All right. I have to, I forgot I have to do this because I want to hear about women's studies.

Russell has a lot to learn. We have commercials now. And so this is me going, put the commercial. We're going to have a commercial break right now. And we're back. I had no idea what we advertised. I have no control over it.

Do you make your girlfriend edit this? No, no, no. She does listen to been people have been listening like it's it's a little overwhelming like i i was talking to uh my my stand-up comedy agent he was like oh yeah i'm listening this morning and i have this panic i'm like i don't know what i talked about i don't know if i was like fuck fuck matt well i've always said good things about Matt. You knew his name? No. God, no. Matt, great kisser. Great kisser, Matt. Great. Fantastic.

So we're back here with Sally Ann Hall. Great commercial. You know, you pick, you're allowed to pick like what you don't want to advertise. So I picked one of them was one of them. I swear to God. I swear to God. It was like sex trafficking or something. There was something weird. A commercial for sex trafficking was like sex trafficking or something there was something

weird for sex trafficking or anti-sex trafficking i don't know sex traffic but but also you know what really pissed me off there's like there it's breaking down to categories and there was like science and it's like do you want to talk about you know uh cancer therapies blah blah blah and then the last one was astrology and parapsychology. And I was like, this is not science. Do not put it in this section. Put it in the bullshit section. Let me tell you one. This has got to stop.

You yelling at me about astrology. You ranted to me about astrology more than anything else. All right, so you went to college for, speaking of women's studies, astrology is more, it's more prevalent with women. Do you have that? The Huffington post.

If you want to look at the horoscopes, it's in the women's voices section. Okay. That's problematic. Yeah. No, I mean, look,

astrology is not science. Um, I've got, I've had a lot of arguments with my friends about this. And I'm like, and I'm like, let's, I just want to look. I'm not saying there's no methodology to it.

That method is not scientific. But so many people really, truly believe in that. Just like really. They're like, no, it's real. I read because the percentage with women is higher than men. Though it is still plenty of men. I think it's 23% to 28%. And the theory was that in a patriarchal society,

but that a patriarchal society where a woman in a patriarchal society has less choice, less autonomy because the world is controlling her, that because of that, you look to outside forces that govern you. And that's why astrology is like to they were with you know with men we're more any different with god but you know like being like god honestly this just makes me like i would be like yo stars you're fucking letting me down what the fuck you're in control of everything and you made a world like this i don't know i think it's always positive my thing with this like i think one of the reasons appealing everything about astrology it's like

good things are coming or you're in a tough time because of the stars but good things are around the corner and it's never you never hear oh fuck you hear leos are gonna kill themselves tomorrow all the leos that's what the stars say then i buy it you take out a whole sign i'd be like okay this is like anything where you're like it's too some there's a lot of people that it's so like they, they're, they're want an answer or they want to think so badly that it's too literal. Like, I think there's like a great idea about being like the moon is blah,

blah, blah. And like, that is an energy thing. But you're like to read about it and be like, and have anything to do with dating or like any of that stuff. It's crazy. So I,

I totally can get on board with being like, okay okay i actually think that the way that the planets are aligned does maybe affect us in some way i'm like yes energetically i was i was you know i was born at this point in this time now i start school i'm a little bit older than the kids in my class and therefore my birthday does kind of affect certain aspects of my personality in like literal ways but um but to but to me where it falls apart is like the interpretation of of the of the heavenly bodies where i'm like at what point does this this science this astronomy the scientific practice yeah become we've now entered the realm of belief and make-believe yeah yeah and i think like it's prevalent there's one tweet i had to find it where someone said like la astrology is very popular uh and they were saying that if astrology was instead of based on what

month you were born is what year you were born it would not be a thing in la because no one would want to admit their ages and i would argue i would argue that it's probably more prevalent in like astrology you hear a lot about with dating and i think it's because dating is an unknown thing that you're trying to figure out and i think it's even more prevalent in l.a because you're in show business and what is more unpredictable and unknown than show business so you have like all these just even even more greater thing to like latch on to something to give you when am i going to get my first line on it on blue bloods i also think that astrology is a huge thing in like queer circles uh oh very huge um you were telling me that earlier uh i work at a gay bar everyone i

work with is a libra we all fucking talk they talk about all the time they're like oh my god libras you know we stick together and i'm like i know that we all try to tame to take the same week off for our fucking birthdays that's what i fucking know oh that's so funny like like we're like oh sorry you have to work saturday i'm like it's my fucking birthday and they're like it's also adam's birthday and i'm like libras you stick together, you're like, we work together. We're in this building together. I feel like there is something about having maybe a non-totally heterosexual patriarchal identity

that is being like, okay, astrology appeals to me. It's about inner, because a big part of it is interpersonal communications oh we get along oh i'm a leo you're a whatever these things work together i've never i've never memorized who goes well i don't remember i always forget like who what sagittarius's are like supposed to be like like everyone's stubborn right that's all i know well that's why everyone with leo everyone goes with me they're're like, oh, you're a Leo. Are you a Leo?

Yeah, because Leos are arrogant and stubborn and narcissistic. See, I thought that was Libras too. Like they love attention. That's not Tauruses. That's not me. What's your thing? I don't know what my things are.

I'm actually- I would love it if they were like Tauruses are racist. I am a T a tourist but i have always been on the the cusp so i feel like when i read things about aries i feel like i identify more as an area i hate you i hate this whole conversation i'm not really saying it but that's the problem is there's so many people this is what bothers me there's a lot of people are like yes charlie's not real but it's like it's fun and i'm like i'm like there must be a better to to mingle it's like it's the same way people like keep like the catholic church going

because they're like well i like it it's like well but it's a problem though because there are people out there who believe in it fully i don't think people are dying because of astrology ronald reagan's wife ronald reagan's wife notoriously had an astrologer who determined foreign policy. Never underestimate the stupidity of people out there in the world. You're so mad about astrology, and that's fine. I get why. Classic Leo. But there are definitely religions who have done more damage to the world.

Oh, absolutely. But I understand it's an annoying thing. They've had more time. Any religion that's primarily women and gays is pretty much a better one than the other. For now. But then 2,000 years later, we go, okay, all right. Time for the cis white men to get a chance again. I'm ready to continue that dialogue at that point.

All right. So let's talk about the duplex. The duplex is a, it's a famous, it's a famous New York bar. Yeah. Famous. Has it reopened yet? No. Really? I'm still unemployed. That's where you work. That's where I work. I'm a singing bartender. Are you big of the duplex? It's right next to my friend's apartment.

Oh, damn. Nice. It's a good location. It's a singing restaurant? No. It's a good location. It's a singing restaurant? No, it's not a restaurant. Right. Certain staff members there are saying, yeah, I keep looking at myself. Stop looking at me. I'm just making sure it's recording

because I want to capture this fantastic. Yeah, I look good. We're talking about the video cameras, guys. So, yes, I'm a singing bartender. Not all bartenders there sing, just some. Oh. I had to audition to be a bartender. Has anyone been downgraded from singing bartender no people it's very cut throughout there it is

very intense wow like at one time i like bombed a song on my shift and it sucks when you're bombing on a shift because then you have to go back and be like would you guys like anything else to everybody you just bombed in front of so um, but my boss who is unfortunately a straight man, not his fault, but he, you know, I didn't, and he was just like, okay, honey, we need to work on your microphone persona. And it was like, oh. Your microphone persona?

Yeah. How did you bomb? Like what happened? What do you think? Well, you sing a song people aren't into. I didn't, the piano player didn't really know how to play it. I kind of fucked up some of the words. I like, we were like, it just was like a bad performance and i was like

whatever you know it's a piano bar we bad people get up and sing all the time but they're like not us we are the duplex staff you i don't want you to look at your phone you know that song you perform it if you don't know that bridge you fucking look it up before you go up there okay it's really intense what how often are you singing I have to sing a certain amount of songs a night. So I do. So we, we, we,

so the piano player is singing basically for like six hours and then he'll bring the, or she, but usually he will bring people up or they, and so there'll be like two or three singing people working that night. And then we'll like come up when so when it's not busy so usually when there's like a break and everyone's got their drinks and it's full and then we're like okay now you have your bartender and you go up and like i'll do like some some

jokes and like two i've just sang two songs and then i'll usually do that like three or four times a night wow have to do a certain amount of sets it It's a brutal. I've seen, I've seen like the, the hours you have to work is, I said, I would go, I would do a, you know, use my musical theater degree,

sing on the street where you live a couple of times. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But like, I mean, it's, it's just,

I think it was good. Oh, you were a great singer. You're great. Um, do you have anything to say? I'm sorry. Do you have anything to say about when you would come in and watch me sing? I was, I was about to say, you were a great singer. You're great. Do you have anything to say? I'm sorry. Do you have anything to say about when you would come in and watch me sing?

I was about to say. You're a phenomenal. I mean, when you were working with the pianist and walking around, I mean, you're incredible. How do you guys view, because the only other singing place in New York I can think of serving is Starr. Starr to Steiner. Starr to Steiner. How do you view those people well uh i work with a lot of them what's a very like the singing piano bar community is a small

one so i know a lot of people who work at l and stardust diner and and vice versa so there's a couple piano bars where we go in and it's literally like okay so i don't know why my boss was fucking to kill me for saying this but i don't have a job right now. All I started singing at the duplex. When I first moved to New York, a gay person brought me there and I was like, this is the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life. But everyone who works there, I can get off the airport.

I'm from Idaho, honey over here. That's pretty much what it was. I was like, I walked into a hotel and then they were just like, you've never met a gay person. Anyway. Oh, so everyone who works at a piano bar is really mean it's like

they're really shitty they're really like every notoriously very rude like this isn't karaoke what do you want blah blah blah like you better tell like everyone's just really mean all to to people they don't know at a piano bar i've always gotten that vibe so every time i do piano bar and every now they're like what how many what do you want and i'm like i work at duplex and they're like here you go babe and it's like and it's like i'm immediately welcomed into this like exclusive family but i i've realized the reason everyone's so mean is because people have been doing this for like 20 30 years people who every saturday sing all the fucking songs they fucking know and have a bunch of drunk douchebags go,

gameplay, sweet Caroline, and not think you're good, tell you something mean. I've gotten choked at work because then it gives a woman a microphone. Oh my God. I've got, and she slapped me later. This is great.

They let her stay? They let her stay. They're like, she did choke one bartender. You didn't give her the mic, to be fair. She grabbed a pole and they tried to pull her out and she was like no no no and and uh i and she was right by my computer and i was just like i'm just ringing in my drinks and then she just fucking slapped me because because they didn't see the choking and i'm like this lady choked me and they were like her like they didn't believe me at first uh it was like when i first started and i was like just so happy to have

gotten the job that i like auditioned for and And I fucked up my audition. I was my, the, my boss said, I like that you don't embarrass easily. Um, so I was like, so happy to just like get a shift that I was like, I can get slapped.

Do you get good money there? I mean, you deserve it. This is like such a brutal, some nights, right? Yeah. So I have like,

I'll, there's definitely random people who come by and be like, I will give you a hundred dollars to sing she always wanted me to sing frank sinatra but like in the original key and i'm like are you serious and she's like yes please song which my way no what do i sing oh she always wants me to sing new york new york is this the is this the woman can we tell that story oh yeah okay okay so i don't know where i put my water i'm dying uh oh yeah we're taking a water break we're back from the water um so yes so this is this is a famous gig uh this this woman who comes into the bar all the time and

gives you a hundred dollars to sing a beautiful brazilian woman like she is rich she's gorgeous she works in fashion for a brazilian like fashion company okay and she comes in and she's like smashed like hammered at like 2 a.m at the earliest always like yeah and just comes in and she's like sally and she'll literally just be like fly me to the moon and she'll just scream at me and clap at me until i do it and but i literally my piano player was like i don't know that in your key. And I'm like, well, let's just fucking just work it out. Fly me to the moon. Oh my god.

Let me play among the stars. And she starts crying. She cries and is like, thank you, thank you. Like, it is and she's like, that's too low for her. And here's the thing. All I am easily the worst singer who works there. I got made fun of mercilessly for how bad my voice was everyone there is like a musical theater sounds like a fun

fun fun but you but but you probably are much more you're probably much funnier yeah yes that's that that's the only way i've learned grace yeah i just i just told like an anal joke and they were like you all right new kid yeah that's the only reason i i that's they only hired me because i was a comedian they were like she sings well enough to like clap with the crowd but like no one no one's like a ballad please except this woman except this woman and all the other singers would be like do you want meet it and she's like no and it's the fun and they're like does she know like they get so fucking mad and um so she would do this a lot and then she like was like give me your number and i was like oh god and i like

unfortunately gave her my number and she was just like sally i'm back in town and she like texted and she was like i want you to sing for i'm having a group of people at this this event i'm holding i'm hosting an event will you come and sing sing? And I was like, oh, fuck yeah. Absolutely. Totally. She's like, I'll give you stuff to wear from like our fashion label. And I like told her my size and she's like, oh, okay. We'll try.

They gave me like a gown from like head to foot, like covered. Like it was so crazy. I show up to the game. Wait, what? Good money? Yeah. Like 300 bucks. Right.

Okay. Great. Yeah. So I'm like, like totally totally do it totally we're taking off work yeah um so i um so i get to the venue it is so she wants me to sing new york new york right and i practice it i practice it in like the key i know i'm gonna do i have like my sheet music i got i get there there's no fucking musician there's no one it is a fucking four-star restaurant just a dining room and then she's like oh okay okay so it's

like this little table over there in like a dime of hundreds of people it's a very fancy like it's like dimly lit like euro kind of like uptown and i'm like and then they she's like here's the dress go like change in the bathroom and i change and she goes i want you to hide and then what we're gonna do is we're gonna shut off the music you're just gonna go up to that table and you're going to surprise them with a song. And I was like, you're, you're kidding.

And I'm like, there's no, is there a guitar players or anyone? She's like, no, no, no. And I'm like,

acapella, acapella. You want me to sing in a restaurant to people who don't know I'm going to be there. It'll be so funny. It'll be, she'll be so great. It was good.

She was like so excited. And I was sort of like, I'm going to, I, I, I, I was so nervous. And then, and then like the, and I was literally like, I'm gonna, I was so nervous. And then like the hostesses were like,

we're so excited to hear you perform. I'm like, shut the fuck up. So they come out and they like do that. And this is like a table of 12 people in literally hundreds, like a hundred plus people in a huge dining room. And small, like they weren't in their own section. It was in the middle.

Oh, they just turned down the volume for the whole restaurant. in a huge dining room and small, like they weren't in their own section. It was in the middle. Oh, they just turned down the volume for the whole restaurant. Oh my God. And I just like walk over and they're all having a conversation and I'm like, hi, hi everyone. No one's looking at me.

And like the woman behind me was like, Oh, who, what is, who is this? And I'm just like, and I, you know, they're speaking fucking Portuguese and I had a Brazilian roommate once.

So I was just like, oi, oi. And then they started like looking at me and I was like, welcome to New York, everyone. Start spreading the news. Oh my God. And they were just like, and then very slowly they just take out their phone. And I was like,

world star. And everybody in the restaurant's like, Oh, what's happening? And I'm like, and I start like clapping. I do some, do they join you in the clapping at least?

Okay, good. Oh God. Now that's a technique that you probably learned at Duplex. You got to get him to clap. I'm gonna be a part of it where new york you're oh my god i i the more i bomb the more i go for it like i never pull back i go more and so when i bomb people are always like why are you so confident i'm like it's not real the only

way it's the only way you can't sink you know there's people at that restaurant that were like who is this is this someone like being like why did they turn me you know i mean like like they were like is that true barrymore so i so i go and like it's up to you new york and they're like new york oh good no because no no no because i practiced two verses. So then I was like, New York, New York. And everyone was like, oh no. And I was like, oh, I should have stopped it. But I was like, I'm gonna wake up. Hey, everyone.

Like so, like so intense in this like huge, like black, like funeral gown with like these heels. Oh my God. And then eventually, so then they were just like laughing, like what is fucking happening? What is that? was just like welcome everybody thank you and then i just like went back in the bathroom and then they all everyone in the whole restaurant clapped and i was like thank you thank you and i just got so fucking drunk in the bathroom it worked oh i got paid but i was i i that was like one where i like was riding the train home going that was so humiliating like

yeah it feels like a you're like shaking thinking about train home going, that was so humiliating. Like, yeah, it feels like a, you're like shaking, thinking about it. Oh my God. I've done, I did like a roast of, it was a bachelor party and it was so humiliating that I left. You called me.

I, yeah, I called you. I mean, it was one like I, when I get really humiliated, right? Yeah.

I mean, that's the thing with like comedy or being this kind of performance, you're alone. And so whenever I have like a really bad bomb, I need to talk to someone to be like, this crazy thing happened and i have to tell you because i'm carrying the shame by myself it's a little like in that in that situation and in in in sally ann's situation both of those things you're like there's this weird thing too when you're hired for a gig and you're like i don't

like that that just happened like that i was hired for this do you know i mean like if someone thought to have me do this be like we'll just get this performer like we'll throw some like coins at them and like it just is like this weird thing we were like in theory you're like yeah it's great money blah blah blah but then you do it and you're like why was why yeah one song for 300 is a great rate yeah i can see that well the cruelest thing is them not feels weird like this is and this is where i think eventually get you you get the confidence to be like you need to introduce me and make it clear that this wasn't my idea that you decided stupid to have a performance i did not walk in this restaurant and go like hey this looks like a group of foreigners yeah

welcome to new york well i'm glad you got you got paid now i you know because i i went to college for musical theater and uh nodes was always like the scariest thing yeah that a person could get yeah uh you you'd hear stories like your nathan lane got no notes so you yeah got notes well actually i had had them for many years and never known i was just like my voice got lower i smoked you're like these frank sinatra songs are feeling really comfortable let's do a lower version of new york i mean in in high school i was a fucking soprano i shouldn't have been but i was i was like i don't know how to harmonize so i'll do the highest note possible and that was that was it but then you know and everyone was like you are not a soprano that's not you're an alto it's very clear

um and then you know i when i when i auditioned at the duplex i couldn't sing very high and i really never could sing very well i never got like anything but i really like just really liked it and i would get really drunk and i remember i got really drunk there one day and i was just like how you can fucking work here and then she's like oh you're really fun and she gave me the owner's email and then he set up an audition and i was like holy fucking shit how you know how many drunk people are like how do you get a job here and i'm like you don't yeah she was very nice to let me do that um but no i couldn't really sing very high at all and i found out later um it was because

i had it was actually it's worse than nodes it was a polyp and a cyst on top of a polyp and then there was also a hemorrhage in there it i can show you the pictures it was so disgusting when please we'll make it the cover of this episode do you know that when you look at vocal cords it does look like a vagina oh yeah oh yeah. Oh, my God. Stop, John Marco. I posted it on Instagram and everyone was like, take this down.

They're like, damn, that's a gnarly clip. It looks like a polyp on top. It was really gross. But yeah, so then, so then they take, so they removed it surgically, but then you can't talk for...

Were you scared when they removed it? Because I think the famous story is Julie Andrews. Yes. Is the classic, like like she had notes they got it removed she never sang again yeah so yes i brought her up when i was talking to my ent i'm sure every person this is literally what he said he goes julie andrews big eye roll julie andrews has vocal scarring now there are several ways you can get vocal scarring as if the surgery's done bad could have happened they don't do it like that anymore we do laser surgery it's very rare or you can basically they were like if you talk too much or if you

abuse your voice if you cough if you sneeze or something and it breaks open the scar you could you could be scarred for life so i would literally the i would be coughing and be like oh my god that's so scary and i so and this was also in quarantine so i'm living alone with my boyfriend uh who i can't talk to um so it's just a lot of like how long for like a couple months well i so oh my god i couldn't talk for like a month, but then the couple months after I had to still frequently do vocal rest. So I, we have like a system where I just like clap, clap.

And he comes in the room. Like, what do you need? What do you need for? I'll like see a bug and be like, big, big, big,

big, big. And he comes in. And I would just like a wonderful period of your relationship. Oh, he, I can't, you know,

he hears clapping. I was like, Oh, he's an actor. So every time he hears applause, he's like, don't do it. He's an actor. So every time he hears applause, he's like, what do you need? What do you need?

I'll smash all the bugs. No, he, and like a lot of whistling, a lot of just like, we learned, we learned a couple of sign language words. Oh, he hates it. But what did you,

did you sound weird? Like when you first talked, we were like, hello. No, I, my voice sounded higher than it had before. Really? Yeah. Oh my God. Dude. I look, weird like when you first talk we're like hello no i my voice sounded higher than it had before really yeah hi oh my god dude i look at comedy tapes from like a couple years ago and i'm like my voice is a whole octave lower i had a raspy ass fucking voice uh-huh i didn't realize so

actually when i started singing i could i can sing better than i've ever been able to sing so i frequently break into tears and be like i can finally i can finally sing that song in the original key at the bar and i can't wait to show all those fucking bitches if i saw you at the duplex singing and start crying at your own sound i would i am i i 100 will burst into tears my first song back and then they're gonna be like do you want me to lower this and i'll be like no darius original and then the woman would be like, no, original key, Frank Sinatra, please. Start spreading the news. Did she text you after that show and say like,

wow, exactly what I wanted? God, no. It was like very embarrassing. I had to like change out of the dress, give her the shoes and like sneak out the back. She made you give you the dress back there? Yeah. I was like, do I get a keep?

She's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. So it was, it was. Was it a good dress? It was like a funeral gown. It was literally like, it was a turtleneck dragging on the floor and like covered all the way up to my wrists. It's funny to imagine being her friends.

Like imagine going somewhere. Her clients. Oh, their clients. Okay. I guess that makes more sense. like imagine going somewhere her clients oh they're clients okay i just didn't just there i guess that makes more sense i was imagining like going to visit my friend overseas and then like they were like surprising me with this kind of thing and then that then like three days later being like do you remember when so-and-so surprised us with a singer in the restaurant like i would be in the front what was that about that's such a weird choice but uh okay she wanted to impress the clients we dropped out of a private gig together remember we're just going to do that roast we're supposed to roast like someone was

going to hire us that became a very intense gig very quickly why dropped out first because i had a conflict but then then you dropped out shortly after i would not have so it was like it was you went to meet with them it's one of these we went have. So it was like, it was, we went to meet with them. It's one of these, we went to meet and it was like her boyfriend's 40th birthday or something. And it was just like clear from the moment we sat down that this person was a piece of work

and was telling us, sometimes when you have a roast, you want to get information about the person to roast them. And it's very clear. You want to be like, after five minutes of them describing their partner,

you're like, oh, you don't love them. No, I got that. He didn't love her. I was like, oh honey, you need to be like after five minutes of them describing their partner you're like oh you don't love them no i got that he didn't love her i was like oh honey you need to see this guy is yeah she's just like he's my boyfriend i fucking hate his wife and just stuff like that and we're like wait it's like you can't say anything about his wife but his wife's like oh my god his ex-wife i think yeah his ex-wife oh my god i was like yeah this is red flags were there any red flags he kept talking about his wife i guess and i'm like i'm getting a feeling you know ex-wife that was very important to say ex-wife um uh yeah she well she and you know she just kept saying same thing over and over like no i

think we have the information oh okay and um then afterwards it was like a lot of emails about like how she felt like that meeting went and i'm like oh god no oh no no no this is a lot um i wanted to talk about before we get to this guy stop and blessing you have a you have a podcast i do and what is the name of it it is good porn in america good porn in america yeah and uh. Yeah. And what is the premise? Oh, gosh. Well, it's a podcast about porn, feminism, and worst of all, stand-up comedy. That's for my reel. No, it's...

So me and my friend who is a sex worker and a comedian, Irene Fagan-Mero, we watch porn a lot and we talk about it with each other and we're like we should record this so we talk about porn and feminism but it's not it's not all sexy we have a lot of deep dives

about like rape and trauma so you should listen come on in yeah I was interested in the porn but now stay for the rape no it's

it's you had a great bit about James Dean that we haven't released that episode yet but you have you used to talk about I mean it's, it's. You had a great bit about James Dean. That we haven't released that episode yet. But, but you have used to talk about a stage. I mean, it's a tough bit. Cause you really have to know. And I'll be honest.

I mean, I'll, this is, porn is tough. If I was on the, like if talking about porn, I would, I'd like always like, yeah, let's talk about it. Let's talk about everything. But when it comes to porn, I'm like, Ooh, baby. about let's talk about everything but when it comes to porn i'm like oh baby and i will say that uh james dean in his past made some really good scenes um good porn performer and your bit could share what the your bit so james dean is a porn performer who's been accused of rape and sexual assault all one of the most prolific porn performers and i masturbated to him so ferociously for so long he's for so many years and when it when i heard about those allegations

it really felt like oh my god you're after my boyfriend like you're coming after me like i i feel he kind of there's he did this to a lot of women um you know because he's uh especially when he was younger had more of like um kind of like a twink physique and just kind of he didn't see he kind of seemed like a nice boy but then big big with a huge cock and that who was who's really good at rough rapey dirty talk dirty talky scenes. And it's really hard to walk that line. And that's unfortunately the porn I watch. I'm like, if she's into it, I'm not. Like for some reason, that's just how I have to watch it.

And so he- What a slogan. Oh man, if she's into it, I'm not. I think that's the problem with a lot of- No, no, this is- I'm talking about what I'm masturbating to. Of course. And I think a lot of no no this is i'm talking about what i'm masturbating to and of course and i think a lot of that actually has to do with being raised to see that like sex is a crime so when a woman doesn't consent she's actually being saved the moral sin of of

of committing inactive sex this is a way for her to get fucked but not actually do anything wrong so i think that's where because i come, we talk about this on the podcast. You should listen. So, but I come from a very religious background where it was really, really hard for me to have sex. And when I did, the only time I imagined sex was when I was like,

no, no, no, no, no. And then he came into me or something. So I, so that's what I,

so I feel like I love exploring like deepest desires and like porn scenes and i'm like why what is what is it about this that appeals to me and i think it's interesting about james dean are you gonna name your next dog after him oh stop um his cat's name is louis he did it the day the new york times article came out an hour 24 i thought we were gonna get away with not you mentioning k today um uh i was gonna say um that's really interesting about the the it's interesting with porn too with the like how it seemingly boils down to the specific categories of things too that you're like that you're always like who's doing that but you're like lots of people i guess

do you know i mean like how have we decided on these categories of things that are you know in a lot of a lot of categories like casting couch is an episode that we're doing that's coming out it's really weird now because it's kind of described it's like a an industry term for like shitty abuses of power by men you know sexualizing women but it is like this porn category that is really like and it's it's like they're like i'm not a real photographer yeah she doesn't know and then i and then i'm like i'm never gonna put this on and she's like you're sure you're not gonna put this on the internet okay and they're like okay this is clearly like fake yeah they're like but like the duplicitous the duping the woman is part of the chart is part of the eroticism of it like she's

so dumb you don't even know she doesn't even know that you're not gonna give her a part it's so hard i mean i wonder but there's something hot about that it's a great it's what i i mean there's a great podcast because i just think it's so it's these desires porn is such like a private thing yes like it's such a private thing and so we it is completely not synthesized with like how we feel about the rest of the world and it's like well how do you address that yeah that desire i think my i always would be nervous to talk about is that i'm like oh anyone would hear like what i'm into and go like oh that means you're a freak or you're like there's just like people like i kind of do dime store psychology about like oh that means you're a freak or you're like a, there's just like people like kind of do dime store psychology

about like, oh, that means you want to fuck your mom. And I'm like, no. It's a very popular search word. Very popular search word. And I always think, here's my theory. John Markle puts in every search, John Markle's mom. Here's my theory about like incesty stuff or like step people stuff.

I think like part of it is just like, it's so, it's so it's it's gonna ruin their life like they're not going they're not having a family thanksgiving after this shit so there's there's something about like it's it's a drama it's the stakes of it all the stakes there's like sexual tension they're like live together and it's just like i think every every incest point should be followed by a three-hour drama about how their families are over. Like an Edward Albion play. Oh, my God.

We've talked about this before. The new one, not the new one. I don't know. You go through phases. I go through porn phases. The trend of late is something that we've talked about before that is funny. Is the woman stuck in something.

The woman's stuck. something the woman's stuck just being like i love this like she's like her cell phone like goes under a bed and she's like i'm stuck under the bed now and then i hope someone doesn't fuck me and then like all of a sudden like oh like there's a stepbrother there and and she's like fine you can fuck me it's it's so hot it's like one of those things where you're like it's so there's so many like jumps you have to make to make it make sense but i it's just a funny thing that it's a trend because you're like it doesn't seem like it's like why is she stuck in the washer no one's ever been stuck in a washer why she has anyone in the history of the world because they have they found a sandwich in there

they got bigger as they were winnie the pooh style no i feel like they have a script or whatever a loose script and then like here's the location like, we don't have any places to get stuck. Ah, let's try this. Like, you know what I mean? They work with what they have. I think it's, I think getting stuck porn is like really sexy. I think, I think, I think as like a woman, the idea of being like helpless and then someone just coming and taking advantage of you is.

I guess my thing, the hard thing I'm having wrapping my head around is, um, I, I guess I wish they were really stuck. Like, cause I'm like, she's not stuck. It's hard to suspend.

Actually, that reminds me of that acting is very, I mean, not a lot of good acting similar to this. And like with the incest is like, Oh, you're fucking your sister. And like the mom's around and she like is doing everything in her power to

not see you guys fucking like, just like, all right, do you have any clothes, anything messed up? Just, and then they're just fucking like right here and she's just not noticing. And I'm like,

how? Yeah. That's very fun. That's one of the sketches. Chris wrote Franco function. Oh yeah. He's auditioning for the person sitting next to them. The part that doesn't know down there.

We could just get another fork out of the and just like being totally oblivious to what's happening in front of you like just the fucking next to them they oh it's wild shit you seem to really enjoy your breakfast there you know i think that's such that's such a great podcast so uh let me is is james do you do you still watch james dean ever are you like no I don't like I won't didn't your bit you said something like I'm not a feminist in my porn or you said something like that's not your obligation I say look I'll be a feminist in my

activism but I masturbate for me that's what I do I here's the thing he's in a lot of group scenes so I'll like be like if I'm if it's a group scene and he's just there, but I won't, but I,

but I won't be like, there's gotta be a 20% sex predator ratio for a group scene. You're like, if it's two sexual predators, no, that's so funny. I, well,

you know, he is like, I did, I did a podcast where you, you watch a porn parody and then you talk about the porn parody and it was the Seinfeld parody and James Dean was Jerry.

He's a terrible actor. Oh, I mean, you should have seen the standup. The standup in this parody was hilarious. Wait, he did standup? Yeah, they did the full Seinfeld thing. Oh, the whole episode. I'm like looking at him like he's an old boyfriend. He doesn't even know you, Sally Ann.

Chill out. It's so fascinating though because like they there was a documentary with this video and it's like porn the business side of it is like show business uh on cocaine it like moves faster where they're like we saw james and we knew that's our jerry like they really like in the porn world like he was the perfect jerry seinfeld but he's not but in porn he's the daniel day lewis of their of that industry he's a very compelling person to watch fuck that is for goddamn sure yeah bad guy though bad guy though that's our official downside stance bad guy um so uh let's let's move on to uh this has got to stop um did you do you remember this from the email the very long email i sent yes okay great uh all right let's i think i have the

right cue nope nope this has got to stop this is where we talk about things that have got to stop uh uh russell do you want to start yes um i have a different one from what I texted you last night. You texted me a very angry one last night. But I had a different experience this week too that I thought of that has got to stop. So this has got to stop. I think we got to stop putting like firefighters, like we did this thing with cops and firefighters, right? For a long time, for decades where you're like, oh, like these heroes, blah, blah, blah. I'm just saying, I think we can throw firefighters in with cops these days.

In terms of... Wow, this is loads. I'm just saying, in terms of like, there's a lot of jobs that are tough that we don't, that we're not like, oh, minors that like get trapped and stuff are heroes they're putting their life in danger there's a lot of jobs that are tough that people put their lives in danger for that when i meet them they're nicer to me than firefighters i had a very rude experience with firefighters okay so this you get yourself out of that building you lazy fuck okay i'm mainly kidding but not really

um no i'm fine i i just feel like i can't communicate with firefighters i just feel like what happened russell okay fine i'll tell you it's not gonna sound like a big deal but it was the energy coming at me so i i so a neighbor texted me she's like there's four fire trucks around like what's happening i didn't know i was there was like a guy on the fire like the fire escape the building next to us like looking seemingly towards our balcony so i'm like something happening here like you know i was it was like there were a lot of firefighters looking up like at towards where we my apartment was so i was like i'm just gonna go down and talk to them because they're not you know things so i went downstairs and it's raining hard and there's a firefighter in the lobby of our building and uh

he goes is this he was so aggressive he goes is this the only stairwell like like that and i go yeah um this only stairwell um but there's an elevator too uh i was like what floor are you trying to get to i'm not trying to get to any floor like that that's how he said it like i was and i go i go this guy needs to be taken out of this airport i go i go cool talk man like i was like what are you doing why are you being so mean also none of them are wearing masks and i just it was one of those things where you're like i don't it made me so angry i feel like I've had three experiences like this with firefighters and I, they, I just, I know I wouldn't be able to talk to them or be friends with them in real life and it feels toxic.

They feel toxic to me as a group. Um, and listen, I know this is, listen, we're going to delete this, but I just feel like it's, it feels related. we're gonna delete this but i just feel like it's it feels related it feels related to police in terms of like how they operate and there's some things we can reevaluate and some maybe things we can update a little better i promise no matter what happens in this world you're never gonna hear uh you're never gonna hear abolish the fire department i just no listen they do they do they do i'm so thankful for the work that they do i really am um it's hard it's hard to deny the good of like i just don't know i've had they've been so aggressive and in several instances in my life one time i

had uncle function uh after like we were at a bar afterwards and there was a fist fight and between two firefighters were you there for that they got in a fist fight and then it was sprawled out into the street and then their wives were there and they were like their brothers don't worry about it i've never gotten in a fist fight with my brother well they have a more stressful job than you yeah yeah i i'm like we've got some sketches where we argued about the final button who needs to blow off esteem more more than fucking like a fireman i mean i look here's my problem with firefighters they know they're too fuckable and they need to be taken down a peg i agree there

they walk in there and being like everyone wants to fuck me and i'm like you're right but are they all fit like as firefighters like i think you have to be more fit than very few cops are fit um in my experience yeah i think you have to be probably more it seems like it would have to be more fit you have to at least be able to like there's rag they make you do physical exercises you have to like hit certain points to like qualify and yeah you gotta be able to get up i should also qualify i should also qualify that I, okay. I think firefighters in New York city probably have to do a lot more than like, I'm thinking of like where I'm from upstate. You can be a firefighter and you're like, nothing's happening up there.

Do you know what I mean? Like there's not businesses like you're like, you can go months, years without like a fire. So I'm saying like New York city, they're, they're getting their money. Like they're like, they're putting in the work here. But I just don't understand. I guess what? You know what? This guy stopped that one firefighter who was rude to me. And I'll say that.

If you're a hero, don't be rude or else you'll totally negate everything. I don't believe in heroes in general, but I don't believe in heroes. I think I don't believe there are heroes. I feel like what the fuck is wrong with you? What do you mean? There believe in heroes. I think, I don't believe there are heroes. I feel like. What the fuck is wrong with you? What do you mean there's no heroes? I mean. Eli Weitzel, the guy who escaped the concentration camp.

Or what about, or what about a woman in comedy, for example? Like someone just overcoming adversities. Listen, I'm not saying that people aren't doing those things or blah, blah, blah. I'm saying when you put the label,

for me, when I put the label on hero, you're like, you're just going to be disappointed by this person in some way, at some point in something, they're not going to be perfect in this way. And that's fine. Like, so for me, it's just easier for me to not label it that way. Cause you're like, like every person, not every person, but most people can do amazing things here and there. And, and, and, you know, to varying degrees, would you describe any actions as heroic definitely okay definitely people can have heroic actions and and do heroic things i just feel like

the label of of of saying that person is a it's just a it kind of it suggests that they're now beyond reproach in any way it also sets them up for like how could you set them up i feel like it also sets them up for failure it's like oh well now you're not a hero now you're a villain it's like well they did something good and they did something bad. And now we have to realize they're a person. Michael Phelps was a hero and then he smoked out of that bong

and we were like, you've let your country down. Definitely like heroic actions, heroic things, heroic moments, heroic years in people's lives. But I just feel like, yeah. Years can be heroes, not people. I'm going to take all this back. We're going to cut it out. I love the firefighters.

I don't like that one firefighter and he maybe tainted how i felt about an entire workforce of people and i'm i'm taking it back hey there's a couple bad bananas i am sorry i don't i don't i shouldn't have said it um but uh it's just this one man who's so i hear you you know one of the funniest things on, have you ever seen his videos online where they reverse the video of firemen taking people out of buildings? So it looks like they're moving people up

and throwing them into buildings. Oh no, no. They live, they live, the people in the video. Yeah. But it's very funny. Yeah. All right, Sally Ann Hall, what is your this has got to stop?

Oh God, fuck. I think I already said it on accident. That's okay. No, I don't think I'm doing it now accident that's okay that's no i don't think i'm doing now all right i can go i can go um okay i uh i'll do a shorter one i i don't like you know i feel weird feelings about uh god i'm not a militant atheist god's gotta stop god god's gotta stop but i do hate when people are like, God's amazing. We need to follow her plan. And I'm like, I get that God has been referred to as a man for forever.

And I'm like, don't refer to him as a man. But this idea of like, no, God has a big universe-sized puss. And it's a woman. And it's a lady. And I'm like, if a God is any gender, it is not a god. Because that's too human. And that's scary. I don't want a god to be a man or a woman.

So what I'm hearing is you're like, look, I never liked a god. But don't make her a fucking chick. OK? There's one thing I do know. Now we're going too far. There's one thing I do know. Santa Claus is white. I know he doesn't exist.

But he is white if he doesn't. No, that's different. That's different. But they say it like the kind of like a, oh, guess what? You know, God, that concept that we all have, our understanding of God has been so informed by this poisoned patriarchal system. Guess what? It's a lady. I'm like, it's all a a mess this conception of what god is so it's it's

just like that's not a point of pride it's not like a if god is a man or a woman we're in big trouble because it's it's it's god if god is god it's not a person it's god and if we were made in god's image well that doesn't make sense because we're all fucking different i don't know i just i just hate people you listen to she's the best and i'm like this is all bad you're like make it a he or shut the fuck up that's not what i'm saying i'm saying god and gender neutral pronouns and ultimately god's a they them is that what is that yes you know what i will stand by that i think that will be fine in this day god is non-binary God and gender neutral pronouns. And ultimately. God's a they them. Is that what you're. Yes. You know what? I will stand by that.

I think that will be fine in this day and age. God is non-binary. I would hope so. I would hope. And you're misgendering them. All of you. No. I get what you're saying.

You're saying. Yeah. I get it. And I just. I just hate the like. It's that tone. Just that like. Oh.

Well guess what? It's a lady. You know. It's only annoying when a man does that. For sure. But like when a girl does it. I'm kind of like, ah. Let me get this clear. If you just use it casually, if you're like, yeah, and I, you know, I spoke with God and

she told me to believe in myself. I have problems with that for like different reasons. Yeah, I'm like, they're sorry you'd like that. But like, but I, I don't mind it there. But it was like, I, you know, I talked to God and she said. How many people are saying this to you? Yeah, I'm like. What are, but it was like, I, you know, I talked to God and she said, how many people are saying this to you? I'm like, what are the,

I need to like, I know it's ever said that to me or I've never heard that. I'm on Twitter a lot. I barely see it. I see a lot of God talk on Twitter. You're on Tik TOK. That's why maybe there's a big God. There is.

There's a big God, God thing. I think with a little Nas X, there was a lot of like talking about, Oh, I see. I see. And then like even, even worse than the people being like mad at a little Nas X for like being, X, there was a lot of like talking about God. Oh, I see. I see what you mean. And then like,

even worse than the people being like mad at Lil Nas X for like being, it was the people who liked him, but were like, and God likes this. And I'm like, shut the fuck up. Sally Ann?

I have one now. Okay. Okay. She's like, I hate airplane pilots. Let's go after fire people, airplane pilots. Let's go after all the professionals.

And next to nurses. Doctors fuck. So what has got to stop so i actually this has got to stop this has got to stop um what ass pussy that is a song that or that is that is being talked about people really hated it and also when there's something that conservatives hate we all kind of like love that a little bit and we have a little too much fun. But I was also recently in Wisconsin, terrible place. And I did a show for an hour long show for four people. And I immediately was like nearest bar

getting fucking shit-faced. And I walked in there and it's very much like any bar in like Idaho. And I felt, I was like, I know exactly what I'm getting here and everyone's gonna look at me weird and it's it's very much like a any bar in like Idaho and I felt I was like I know exactly what I'm getting here and everyone's gonna look at me weird and that's fine and I'm just gonna shoot drink in the corner and um oh and there was like gambling but so I was gambling so and then and then wet ass pussy came on and I was just like feeling it and I was like oh I guess these people are cool and I fucking sang and I was having a great time and then the

second the song ended the whole bar erupts in laughter and they're just like wow who fucking picked that fucking piece of shit and they're like i did as a joke and everyone was like and i'm like oh you genuinely still hate this song everybody is and i was like i need to leave this bar um it was it was so strange that i was like oh we're still like, you can't, and I'm like, you listen to a bunch of songs about a bunch of people's private eyes. I assumed they were white.

Yeah. There's just like, there's a thing where like when people get upset about what I suppose to say, I'm like, you guys, you know, this is because she's a black woman.

Like, you know, that's why like, that's why you're so upset. Like, I'm like, this is not about that it's sexual like you guys are getting so excited about it because like you just don't want to hear a black woman talk about yeah you listen to so much you're watching porn you're watching james dean because he's a predator and you are pretending like you care about this. Yeah. It's just.

Yeah. No, I do think that the race, the fact that it is rap, the fact that it is that it's that it's hip hop or is definitely where they're like, I remember I was like skiing when I was home in Idaho and there was like a guy in our chairlift being just like, I heard them playing rap on one of these mountains. Gangster rap. Can you imagine? And I actually fucking lost my shit. My dad got really mad at me and I was like, oh, no rap on one of these mountains gangster rap you imagine and i i actually fucking lost my shit my dad got really mad at me and i was like oh no rap on my mountain and i like and my dad was like be

polite and i was like be polite i admire you for doing that i i like i don't have that i think it would be a real struggle if i went to these places i'm sure i will the more comedy clubs i work you work in a lot of conservative places yeah and you get to this place where you're like well am i here to like make a stink am i here to like yell at these people and having grown up in it i feel like i totally would be more like you know what yeah because they're all my parents and i'm gonna yell at all of them well i do know i know where to what what battles to pick because i know that as soon as i said that he felt fucking stupid he's like well i don't mean just rap i'm not no it wasn't no and then they can like backtrack a little bit but if i'm just like god's not real then they're gonna be like okay well we don't have anything to talk about here so it is like i can get in an argument

about happy holidays but not abortion yeah yeah i feel like with the rap that comment too you're like it's like some level of like be like this is i can't believe it's 2021 and you're like bothered or weirded out by rap music it's a little like being like oh i don't know i don't have a cell phone and you're like cool cell phone's been around for like 30 years like what are you talking about like like it's just around like i can't imagine being like this is crazy there's rap like yeah like any kind of music could be in a mountain you know it's just as in yeah it's a wild thing i think sometimes also with the with the sex stuff especially when you've been alive this long i'm

like oh you remember they did this with elvis and you remember the older people did it and you went you're being stupid and now it's just accepted yeah and i am curious because like the the one thing i think about uh wap and and the little not sex I'm like, I'm like, I don't know how much further you can go until there's penetration on the screen. Like we have really reached. And I pray for that day every morning. I'm like, dear Lord, let me see penetration in this music video. And you know what it is? I think part of it is like, I do think like we should be talking about sex more

and sex should be more acceptable but i'm like i don't know if this feels like it's like we've made progress in sex like part of it is it's jarring up against the fact that we don't talk about what us pussies here's here's the problem of it people who are mad at this are mad that children are getting exposed to the images they're not for children these songs are not for children this is for adult this is for adult consumption i i i get the people who are like freaking out about sex and being like these images are so it's like yeah this is not something that i would show my child like that's that's not what this is for so i do think that like it's you can acknowledge with the internet i mean like there is i i certainly think okay if i get mad at people who put out sexual content of

course yeah i'd be like, no, be mad that they don't, that the internet doesn't make us pay for porn, that it doesn't like, like there's so many ways that we can actually have this content and protect our kids and we won't do it. Yeah. I just think it's like, it's like, it's, you know, I remember Kanye West was like, let's come up with a TikTok for Christians. And I think about like, I post stuff on TikTok.

Isn't it just TikTok? Well, I post stuff on tiktok sometimes that gets taken down and there's a feeling of like there's a feeling of like a i don't like when these places start censoring you worry because it's like a curse word or they'll be like bullying oh they they took something down because i was talking about tripping on acid and i was really yeah they take down instantize they increase it or they get nervous and there's this like youtube you got you were you bullied someone it was i i was the target of the bullying so they they like you got bullied and they were like well it was like i made a joke it was like some duet where some women like they cheers and then they go and it was like

when you tell them you went to college for musical theater or something and i was like yeah thanks uh i i thanks for saying something nice about karaoke you went to college for musical theater or something. And I was like, yeah, thanks. Thanks for saying something nice about karaoke. I went to college for musical theater. And then they laughed and it was doing well. And then I got taken down for bullying myself. And so, but there's this tough thing where like YouTube, YouTube made a version, a YouTube children, you know,

for ideally, so the kid doesn't see the little non-sex video. If you don't, if you don't want your kid to experience that, but want them to be like on the computer but but weird fucking people went on the youtube children and create these weird animations where it's like an animated spider man being like kill all your friends no like you know the internet is is uh it's a wild beast yeah but to be fair i mean growing up we all grew up before the internet so we would find weird like drawings and horrible like imagery and stuff and be like like we happen upon them you know we grew up in that first wave like i remember seeing the videos when i was a kid was uh mr hands where the horse fucks the guy uh joe marco that was that was like the video there was go see two girls one cup two girls

one cup of course i've never no i've never seen any of these i didn't know you should talk about your podcast i didn't start watching porn until i was like 23 oh i couldn't even touch my pussy until about then you want to know you want to know how i found out about internet porn so i was using napster kazaa limewire my dad's computer was broken so when i went to my mom's house i assume he was using my computer and then i went on my computer one day and there were all these images i i downloaded songs i didn't download images and it was because my dad had used my computer to download porn and left it on my computer that i was like what is this and i started using it and i remember you suggested images did you turn off the safe search on google and search like angelina jolie tits did you jugs start immediately masturbating

did you were like i know what these are for because i've seen images and i'm like i have no idea what to do with them i'm just horrified and i'm gonna go home and be horrified i went through a long phase a very long phase um where i would just push on the ground like i would be lying down watching things oh your bit and yeah that bit and for for like for a long time i like i remember when i first decided i was like oh i should start i remember like looking up how to masturbate because the floor thing was working out great for me i would just lie down and i would and it was good when i had a laptop but on my tats oh boy i had like a computer on a desk so i'd have to like turn it on go far away the speaker down near me as i went far away and

i like angled my head up like pushing on the ground the sounds yeah yeah is it important to hear the sounds oh i'm a sound guy interesting not all not like like i don't like those sounds but i like the sound of like a woman enjoying herself oh gotcha. Unlike you, I'm into it if they're into it as well. If I can't hear them going, I don't like the way we framed this. That was the quote that you just said.

Yeah, but I can say it. Sure, exactly. I think your podcast is such a great idea. I mean, I hate to say it. Have you listened? It's a very good podcast. I probably did listen

to the first or second episode. Probably did. I always try to listen. When I was coming with my podcast ideas ideas i was listening to other people's podcasts like how can i steal this idea in a way yeah i did that too but then i couldn't i can't finish most of them because i was like podcasts are dumb now your your co-host iron fake america comic yeah she has an only fans yes would you ever have an only fans no i'm not hot enough in forge but i have done like sex like gigs like i've like

one time this blind guy was like can i touch your boobs and i was like 200 bucks sure because he couldn't see where did you meet him where did this happen where did this happen i was selling you selling up so well i was um uh we were doing cocaine that's great i was doing cocaine at itself great i love that then you know i don't want any more details that's um and then he was like how much do you post and i was like 10 grand and he was like i'll pass and i'm like i thought so i love that jump from 200 to 10 grand i that's that's i very much feel that

that is that is the difference in like quality you're not married no one's ever going to know about it you're single guy a blind man says how much to suck your dick wait no fondle my boobs for or like touch my touch your your boobs. Touch my boobs. How much for that? Well. I mean, fuck. No, no, no. Yeah.

Yeah. You're like, I don't know. I feel like, I feel like I would be, here's the thing. This is a self, a steam issue. I feel like I would be like, I'm nervous that he's crazy for like, I would be like, is he just going to do that? Or is he going to kill me? Do you know what I mean? Like in my mind, I would be. Sure he just gonna do that or is he gonna kill me do you know I mean like in my mind I would be sure sure

sure so I think I'd be there I have a gun to his head I'm no the whole I'm out of the house I'm leaving I'm running away from the house um no I'm sure like you know it'd be a lot of money we were debating there's a guy uh and I'm sure I'll do something longer on it where you know I have these uh my merch

it says moisture crunchy it's these hand towels and this guy asked me how much for me to mail him a crunchy one and did you used did you did you give him a price i i always know i wasn't fully comfortable with it oh yeah no that's fine i mean money's money's okay if there was a i could see a different point in my life but like i, I think for something like that, 500 is like, there's no way I'm going lower than 500. And I feel like maybe I should do a couple grand. Here's the thing about sex work is that I feel like a lot of people talk about it as like,

oh, it'd be like some easy last resort if I ever came to it. But it's actually very, it's really hard to actually be confronted with it and to actually go through. So that's, you know, that's why I'm like $10,000 ten thousand dollars i'm like i don't actually want it it's so scary i tried to be a dominatrix and as soon as they're like this is a device where you crush a penis and i was like and i cried and i was like i need to leave this is it's it's scary it's hard and so

i do really admire people who can actually because it's not just performing sex on someone you don't want to have sex with probably you're really selling it you're really acting you're being vulnerable you're performing so much more than just simulating sex or a sexual activity it's uh it's it's it's really intense and it's and so it's like and also i could never charge that much like it's like it's like it's not worth it my pussy is not worth ten thousand dollars that's gonna be a tough conversation someone being like honey 500 most yeah like i'm very i got i i hope sex work i mean it's it's hard to fathom like sex work getting legalized in america just the way decriminalize decriminalize absolutely yeah because there's just there's just

it's just so many people it's the same i mean similar to porn where it's just like there's this thriving world and we're all collectively acting like it doesn't exist well and then so aggressive by your parents and your grandparents and so like such a joke in every single thing and well the sex work i feel like in general we can be like well we're so removed from that but we're not removed from porn everybody watches porn even the fucking pastors and the people who like the pope like something on instagram recently and people were like the pope was looking at some titties dude i mean the fucking everybody everybody's watching porns even the people who porn even the people

who say that they hate porn so that is where i'm like why are we treating the people who we jerk off to so badly and we are we are very complicit in the system i mean what we should feel bad for is not paying for our porn if anything i it's you know the problem is that feeling of bad turns me on. And I'm like, get some free porn. All right, let's go to You Better Count Your Blessings. I feel Russell, give me an eye. You better count your blessings. All right, Sally, you're looking at yours with regret. What is your blessing?

Mine's a little sincere. That's great. I have a sincere one too. Oh, well, I didn't, I wanted to be the only one. So I moved out of my apartment of 10 years to a new apartment in the city. And I lived above a laundromat. So I hadn't done my own laundry for like 10 years. And I like never knew if the people, I would, they would do own laundry for like 10 years. And I like never knew if the people I would they would do my laundry and bring it up and I would always tip them.

And I knew them, but they we never really spoke. They were very like they didn't even call me by my name. They just called me upstairs. And I didn't know what like their names were for like many, many years. And I was like, oh, that's what you go by. Interesting. And we never talked but the day i was moving out she comes out and she's like are you moving and i was like yeah i can't afford anymore and she gives me like the biggest hug and just goes you are a very good person and i was like okay see i didn't know if i was so thank you thank you i had

no idea that she was like you are a a very good person. And I was like, and it was so nice. And no one, no one tells you that. No one says you're a good person. That is so beautiful. Yeah. Yeah.

And, and she was like, fuck the landlord. And I was like, right. That's a really, let me just say like, that is for me,

that's the ideal version of this segment of, of the blessing. That's a very sweet story. Russell, what's yours today? Life? Shut up. Family? Okay.

No, I had a glib one. I had a short one. I'm thankful for the waitress that works at this restaurant downstairs that gives me the coffees when i come here because there's she fakes nothing she fakes no sort of like pleasantry or thing she doesn't want to be there she never wants to be there and i love it because at first i was like it was like it was like i was doing that thing we were like we were like is this person being rude and i'm like now like a bunch of times into it, I'm like, she's not rude at all. She just is not being like doing any sort of like, hi, like she's truly not saying hi.

She's like, what? Like basically she'll say what when I walk in and like, I've seen, she's there every Saturday. So it's a funny thing where I'm like, that is, that's great.

Just not to see anyone fake that kind of thing. Yeah. And, and just doing it and owning it. I was like, that's a really great like because i don't i don't need any more either i don't want to do it either like we know when they say how are you and i'm like black coffee like so it's just one of those things

where no one's being rude it's just like we are we are maximizing it we're doing it we're doing it fast that's like just a classic new york interaction where we're just like everyone just got it yes and it went smoothly yeah and no one's feelings were hurt yes also i'm thankful for firefighters and i i know that i flew off the handle and i am apologizing uh now before all these listeners uh no i i I was just one firefighter. I want to clarify that I have a problem with. Great. Well, hopefully they listen all the way to this point. And I want to denounce him as well.

I don't support his actions. So my blessing. So I headlined Skyline Comedy Club. It's still pretty new. Like headlining on the road for a weekend. Oh, I didn't know this was a segment where we bragged. I'm so sorry. I did not.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I did not. I'm sorry. I missed the memo. And as I was leaving, they gave me the check, but it came in an envelope with a card. And I was like, oh, it's a nice card. And in the card, and I guess this is what this club does, every worker, every server wrote a comment. Oh, what a nightmare for them. Say.

They're like. That's part of their job oh you worked oh you worked 10 hours today and you're cleaning up the bar oh no no don't make them do that oh well i'm sorry to undercut your blessing they wrote so much they wrote so much no way i would write that much so oh my god like this i literally thought you had surgery or something it's like so nice this this one says jamarco i almost died laughing and you low-key stole my heart i can't wait to see you again i'm telling all my gay friends about you. Woof. Martin. And I thought like, I don't know. I mean, it's, it really, you leave New York sometimes and you work some clubs and you're like, oh, New York is so mean. You go to clubs where you're just like, you're treated, where you're truly treated like, thank you for being here.

And you're like, this is, it feels so good. And I've just, I've never received, I've never received something like this. So, oh, that's so nice. So you've never like smoked pot with the waiters outside in the back before? I generally don't speak to them. And let's end it there. Every time.

That's where we'll end it. Oh yeah. That's my favorite part, going to like a small town comedy club because I'm like someone smokes pot and I'm going to find them. And then, and then I just, and then I get loaded with a bunch of like locals.

That's my favorite part. I think, I think I always think like, I mean, most comedians do it, but I'm always, I always try to make a longer point of when checks are coming out to be like, please tip,

please tip, please. And occasionally like a server will be like, Hey, thanks for like really laying it on thick. And you should, I mean, you should as a server.

I agree. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I was, you should as a server. I agree. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I was, I was a good one. That's so sweet. I was a waiter for, for two months in high school and I, I feel like I understand God fully. Um, all right. Well, uh, uh, Sally and anything, anything you want to plug Sally and Paul?

Um, fuck me. Um, yeah, you can see my solo show half-baked alaskan on the brighton fringe festival online oh that's great what is that may may may the whole month of may you can just like go online and see it it's like five it's like five pounds or something you can like if you need them i'll venmo you just so you can like watch it like it's fine if you like can't afford it i'll like like i'll hook you up but you if you can't afford it you should because it because you can afford it if you can we don't want someone watch it that's what i want just someone fucking watch it i need i yeah just someone anyone that'd

be great um uh russell do you have anything i do you do um i mean we both do but i'll do it because you know you i probably have other things we have an uncle function show uh in may may 21st we have like 20 tickets left uh to sell so uncle function uh we were sketching for a long time we had a monthly residency at ucb and uh i think it was because of that ucb shutdown yeah forever and so this is our first show back in over a year at the annoyance at no no not the annoyance asylum improv no i think they changed the name asylum and why it's called asylum and i think so they're like improv is not the place to be right now asylum nyc uh 7 p.m friday may. Get the tickets now because there's not that many. Before Asylum goes away, like every other comedy theater in the world.

That's really wonderful. I have I have a part of a new show, Rush Ticks. It's rushticks.com. It's a new show called Videopocalypse where I was cast in this. I was cast in this. I'll be the host. It's like America's Funniest Home Videos

but a funny version. Really? That's actually their line. is cast in this. Is cast in this. And I'll be the host. It's like America's Funniest Home Videos, but a funny version. Wait, really? Yeah. Thank you. That's actually their line. But it's Thursday, May 18th. Or Tuesday, May 18th.

It's May 18th. And it's going to be a monthly show. I got that. Find the things. I got some headline dates. I'm going to be headlining Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle towards the end of the year. And I'm very excited. I'm just just excited i love the name of comedy clubs because it always sounds well when you try to name a comedy show you really find a lot

when you when you name a comedy show you find that every every phrase with the word laugh haha brouhaha funny it's all been done been done. The Last Laugh was my show. There's a club called The Last Laugh. Yeah, most people avoid all those titles when making a comedy title. They're like, nothing with laugh in it because it's all been done and stuff. Well, thanks so much for listening to the show.

Sally and Holly, you are fantastic. But it's sad that someday we will all stop existing. Goodbye, everyone. One, two, three. We can talk about this. Thank you. That was so wonderful. Thank you so much.

You can talk. No, no, go for it. I can say it into the microphone. Yeah, you can. Do we talk? Ah, there you go. She's sign languaging. Thank you for having me.

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