The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #80 A Second Puberty with Kristofer Thomas

Episode Date: April 19, 2022

Comedian Kristofer Thomas breaks down how he would get me canceled after I was thrown out of a Starbucks, what it’s like going through puberty a second time, transitioning at your parents house during a global pandemic, how Sweetgreen made their salad bowls smaller, hot people getting away with wearing organic deodorant, and how writing a persuasive letter to qualify for bottom surgery is kind of like applying for college but with less parental support. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Follow Kristofer Thomas on Instagram and Twitter Read Kristofer Thomas' essay, Dad Used To Have Boobs (And They Were Kind Of Big) Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's monthly show in NYC Watch or listen to Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon & on Spotify Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

um all right uh welcome to the downside wow how are you doing it feels like okay so it feels like it's been you've had 18 co-hosts outside of me i'm wondering if listeners are like we like any of those board like do you know what i mean well that was our first segment who uh who was better than uh i i did get it was it felt like it's been so long and then i think i just came back i did one and then i was gone again is that right uh yes we we had two without you and we had ian finance yes and definitely felt co-host jordan jensen it felt like it kind of felt like a uh double guest episode, which is not bad either. No.

But then you came for one, which we released today. We're recording this a little early. It's September 10th, 2001. And then I was in LA. I did one with Guy Branum. Oh, he's funny. And that'll be the one released before this one. And it was a very good episode.

My mom was in the other room. I thought you were going, he's funny. That'll be the one released before this one. And it was a very good episode. My mom was in the other room. I thought you were going to say the audience. I thought you, it's just like her watching you and him talk. She, she, cause it's the, the studio it's on Santa Monica Boulevard.

And I always think, Oh, it's in Santa Monica. And then I put into the map and it's fucking an hour away from Santa Monica. So my mom was there and she said that she listens to the podcast. Does she? Let me say something. And my mom might not like that.

I bring this up, but it happened. So I was in Vegas. My mom was there. And then Tova came, uh, uh, the night that my mom was leaving Vegas.

Yeah. Just, just coincidentally. And it happened to be that Tova was getting to the hotels. My mom was leaving. And Tova is coming from like a long late flight uh and she's she's dressed you know sweats and and whatever and my mom says like first first thing my mom says like oh you're in your boyfriend outfit and i i didn't know quite what was going on what i could just

well she clarified but the moment she said i was like what's happening what's happening the first thing should be hi have they met before yes okay but then she she what does that mean well i think i think i think tova said that or i said that and she was like well you know when i when i go out with the the gals i dress up and like kind of gussy up but when you're with your boyfriend you just kind of wear whatever wear sweats and i'm just like oh my god are you fucking serious there's just i thought it can i tell you what i thought it meant i thought it meant like easy to like get off you know like like like like your sweatpants know, there's no like buttons. You're just like, she's like, you know, they got some crotchless panties under there or no panties at all.

That's what I interpreted. I had a much nicer interpretation. It was just and I don't think I don't think in theory my mom meant ill by it. No, but it was just like it was just just a weird, and to be frankly sexist, just like a woman to a woman thing where I was like, what did you just say? Well, isn't it probably it's ingrained misogyny, probably. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? I'm not the sexist one. I'm calling it out. That's what happens. I'm just saying like there is a weird thing. I think sometimes, I don't want to say older generations, but there is a weird thing where it's interesting how often people feel the need to, as parents, to comment on how someone's looking or dressing. Of course.

It's just a very weird thing where you're like, who cares? You know what I mean? Unless it's like, oh my God, look at this. I'll never forget. I think I brought it up once where my dad, by the way, we're waiting for our guest right now, guys. So don't worry. The guest is coming soon, Christopher Thomas.

But I was in Philly. My dad surprised me on my birthday. His secretary called and said, just so you know, your dad's taking a train up to see you for your birthday. And I can't think of a thing worse. For like my birthday, I was in Philly at an acting

company surprising me on my birthday that's a level i mean you know i think that's a wonderful thing i don't okay but i'll allow you to be mean and cruel and hurtful to your only father right now keep going and we go to get it's my birthday so i uh i i went to get went to my favorite cheesesteak place it was me uh my girlfriend at the time and my father and i was wearing this was the time where i was just wearing basketball shorts and wife beaters that's what i wore and uh my dad like after the meal was like i put on a little weight there son and i lost did you actually grab your stomach like that i think kind of like a little jiggle. And, you know, as I joke about, we're touchy-feely people.

But, like, yeah, it was a little wiggle. The little wiggle. So you could really feel it. And my dad has always, like, if he's feeling insecure about his weight, he's one of those, like, classic. Where you're like, do you not see that you're projecting? He's one of those like classic where you're like, do you not see that you're projecting? But this at a time where I was like, I was putting on more weight. I was eating a lot of Philly cheesesteaks.

I was like, I'm going to eat every Philly cheesesteak in Philadelphia. Like he wasn't wrong. That's what made it worse. But I like, I lost my mind because I didn't want to see him for my birthday. It was supposed to be like my special day for him to come up. And after like my birthday lunch, be like, hey, fatty. Yeah. hey fatty yeah like uh after you ate well i mean it's better than before because then you wouldn't have enjoyed it you know you wouldn't you wouldn't have ordered anything what you wanted i lost my god damn i like did you yell did you did oh i i created a scene i i think i said like you say look at you you're fat too man i no, I was more like, that's not where I go. I was like, I will, I said something like, I want to lie down in the street and have

a car run over me. I get, I get like, I'm going to, I'm going to hurt myself. That's where I go. That's like my, when you really piss me off. Yeah. I'm going to hurt me. Oh, okay. Interesting.

I'm going to. That's not where I go. I go, I get real mean about the other person sure you have good lines the meanest thing i ever said to my father i don't say it out loud i think in my head i just like really called my father once the meanest thing i've ever said that's that's good you but you have to come you have to get me with something you have to tell me something really good because this is really horrible what i'm gonna say oh my god when my dad uh it was it was like shortly after uh the breakup when i was 21 and it was you know a traumatic breakup for me at the time and uh we got in a fight like six months later or something and my dad was saying you know uh you're selfish

you're so selfish that's why leah left you. And it was like, coming from my father, I don't know. It was just one of the – he wasn't saying it because he believed it. He was saying it because he knew at that time in my life that was like the meanest thing he could say. And I'm pretty sure I left a voicemail that said something along the lines of, your mom who had died would be ashamed of the person you are or something like that. Oh, wow. Like something about like her in her grave being ashamed of him. Like it was my version of like, all right, here's the worst thing I can think to say.

And I don't even know if he ever listened to that voicemail. Yeah. Like it was just a voice. Oh, you never even talked about it. He didn respond to that no no no i have a feeling like he plays in that arena of saying the worst things ever so i don't think he necessarily took it as like brutally as i meant it yeah it's hard to tell what's the meanest thing you've ever said have you ever gotten a big fight with your dad or a big fight with your mom no not like that blows me not in like i mean i've got i when i was a kid i can't think of any meaningful things like like that like like you

know i can think of things that they have said that hurt my feelings like that i know that they didn't mean to to do it in that way what What'd they say? Like, I remember one time, I was pretty, it was like, it might've been, I don't know when this was, but it was like, it was like, I had some callback for like, I think it was for, it might've been for Book of Mormon,

but it was like, I already had booked, I was doing a show out in the midwest and i had to like i had a i auditioned here had a first call back for book of mormon and then they were like oh we want you to come back in again next week and i was supposed to start the contract like on so i was like fuck me like yeah so i had to get permission to like miss the rehearsals but i was like i gotta go you know yeah of course mormon it's a second callback you know and i just remember i had already had to do that like three months prior for the adams family national tour sure

so i had already like been on the midwest doing a show and like had to fly back for one day for a final callback for producers for the book for Adam's family. So it's like I was doing this like like twice now. Yeah. And the flights were insane because they're last minute flights. And so I was and I was like very poor at the time. And I and I was able to do the first one and pay for it. But I had to ask my parents for help. Sure.

And they were just like they basically they said yes but it was like this is a waste of money like like like basically being like you're never gonna get the book of more like do you know i mean like is that how they is that what they really they didn't say you're not gonna get it but they said it like this is this is a waste of money like like and it was that communicated like in my mind i'm, I'm like, they're like, there's no way. And like, fair. I did not get Booker Moore. I was waiting. I was about to make.

I was playing my joke. It was for the Chicago production. You know, fucking God. Ben Platt. So it was never going to go to like a regular person anyways. Ben Platt? Yeah. Which one?

Is this the role? Yeah, exactly. Not a fat person at all. He played the Josh Gad part. I was going to say the Josh Gad role, not the fat role. He played the Josh Gad part in the Chicago production. So anyways, so it was like. That's infuriating.

It was like a thing where I was like, I have to go. I was like, even if I don't get it, it's a big casting. a thing where I was like, I have to go, you know, I was like, even if I don't get it, like it's a big casting, you know, it's like a, it's like Ben Platt getting that role is like, uh, it's like Hugh Jackman to the music man where the music man's like Ben Platt to that role is like the hot, like, Oh, you're going to cast the sexy, the sexy weirdo for that role. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's so, and it wasn't Ben Platt at the time. You know what I mean? In my mind, but I remember it every through the years, you know, know when someone gets a thing not that i was ever even close to it you know it was truly like they saw me an initial thing they had me come back and then they were doing another one i'm sure there was like still like 50 guys in the i will never forget this is like where you you the where i was a reader for a lot of cast and directors which for those people at home if you don't know you read the other lines in the scene so they can audition people and um so many times they're auditioning

for these roles while there's an offer out to a star yeah and which i think to me that's like completely something a union should say you cannot do that yeah because this woman came in and like she delivered this astounding acting performance, sobbing, sobbing. And then she left and then the cast director's phone rang and, oh, Billy Porter said he can do it. He gets the role or whatever. And I just remember being stunned. I just seemed like some... It was a woman in her late 40s or whatever.

And I would just imagine needs this role. Yeah. So she can feed her children at home oh man brutal um but yeah so uh but not fights not fights like where you're like really being like saying you know it's not my family does not does not and i'm thankful for it it's it's it's incredible i honestly think that uh my dad does not yell i don't know old age like i think he probably still yells but maybe i maybe i shut it down or he got older testosterone or whatever but i do feel like a dynamic of our relationship

disappeared when we stopped fighting i feel like it was a one of the few ways that we could honestly communicate with each other interesting okay and uh it's surreal. It's a little surreal to think like my dad and I have not had like a screaming match in the last five years. I'm trying to work on this bit on stage where every fight with my dad, he'd yell, I'd yell louder, he'd yell loudest. And then I'd cry. And it was like an abusive relationship without the sex that makes it worth it. and then i'd cry and it was like an abusive relationship without the sex that makes it worth it and uh people who are fucked up like that joke but then we'd have a hug i'd always cry and then we'd have like i mean it truly was this formula i'd cry and then like i'd leave the room and then he'd come and be like i'm sorry but it's your fault and then we'd hug and it would be like

very emotional like it would be very loving though yeah you got like some affection and then we'd hug and it would be like very emotional like it would be very loving though yeah you got like some affection and then you cried and then you cried with your parent and i think it can be it can be fucked up man yeah um so so our guest is coming soon but it's it is good to see we have so much to catch up on we have to do a bonus episode uh we just got this feature in podcast magazine yeah oh that's how just got this feature in podcast magazine yeah oh that's how cocky i'm in podcast magazine now so get ready for burps on the mic uh someone immediately messaged me like congrats but also how stupid is it for there to be a magazine about podcasts and i was like what the fuck dude what the fuck can i enjoy anything for two seconds

uh uh vegas uh was a hellscape i have so much to tell you i talked i ended up talking to guy brandon about this david copperfield show where he like talks about his dead dad and it was just hilarious because he he reads a letter from his dead dad to himself that clearly he wrote yeah and that first he reads it all monotone he's phoning it in like you wouldn't believe yeah and it was like david i know you didn't visit me for the last years of my life but seeing you on tour made me feel like you were living my dreams too so i just want you to know i'm so proud of you son and so weird it was surreal because like you wrote that you wrote

that yeah you wrote that well that's just like that's just like on on the kardashians where i think for a present kanye got kim a hologram of her dead dad yes being like i'm so proud of you you following in my and she like everyone's crying and she's like it was just so great to hear and it's a metaphor like no it's not a metaphor it's like literally your husband just like hired like wrote those things that you would like to hear. And it doesn't mean anything. Your dad is not thinking that. Do you know what I mean?

Like your dad is nowhere, anywhere in the void. You're the guy. Just so you know, he doesn't exist anymore. He doesn't exist anymore. No, but if he does, he's probably something else. He's probably a new life of some kind. But like, you know, like there's this thing where. You know what's so funny?

Now that their divorce is so bad. Like people say Kanye has like lost his mind, but like the really cruel thing Kanye would do would breed, bring that hologram back and be like, I hate you. I hate you so much. I'm just really disappointed. Three marriages.

Not one has worked out. Oh my God. He's going to have the hologram testify at the custody. He's like rolling around in his grave, but as visually. Oh my God. That would be, but as visually. Oh, oh my God. That would be,

that would be. We have the technology. He could do it if he wanted to. Obviously these holograms are not enjoyable or they'd be a thing now. I don't like it. There's, there's a certain degree. Sometimes like with technology, I remember when Google glass came out,

I feel like that was a lesson. What does that even mean? That was the glasses that like you could see in front of you. And part of it was like, in theory it was like, oh wow, cool. You can have a screen in front of you. And part of it was like in theory, it was like, oh, wow, cool. You can have a screen in front of you. But clearly it wasn't good because it didn't catch on.

It's the same with holograms. It's the same with all this like Oculus shit. Yeah. And this like virtual reality stuff. Like to a degree, I'm like, if it was amazing, we'd all be wearing them right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clearly something about this experience is not quite enjoyable yet. Yeah. Or it's not fun. Yeah. i hope it all fails yeah it's got it's it's uh the hologram thing i

just don't like when it's you're putting words in i actually don't care if it's just like a visual thing but i don't like when they're putting words into like dead people's like you know it's they're gonna have to start i feel like robin williams like specifically had like contract things that were like you can don't use my likeness oh don't use my likeness smart but then they'll but but they're gonna have computers soon now where they can recreate you saying whatever oh my god did you see that there was a rapper that was killed that uh they put his embalmed body up on stage like like for a for like was it no it's a hilarious no sorry i don't know why i know this or saw it i i don't know where i saw it but i think he i think he xxl magazine if you're a subscriber too he was

tragically killed even he was shot and um young person and like they were like oh we're gonna i don't think people knew when they were going to this concert that he was gonna be there so so it was like it was like his final concert his final thing people being like basically let's celebrate his life sure and then they got there and he was on the stage and i think a lot of people were like oh they made like a wax thing not realizing that it was actually him embalmed on the stage like propped up like just like they thought it was a wax he was not laying down he was propped up like like like standing and not looking like like it wasn't like great like it looked weird i didn't look i i would love it was the fine line of like, I wanted to read the story.

I was intrigued, but I did not want to look at the images or videos. I wonder just how they brought him on stage. Because just imagine if like your funeral and I'm like, guys, we have a very special guest. Russell Daniels. You're doing a fat pit. You're like, how did they bring him on? Were you being like out? No.

I was not doing a fat fit at all. You were saying how did they know he was just there? No, no, no. I mean, how did they introduce him on stage? I'm just saying like if I was at your funeral and I was like, guys, really special speaker today. You're not going to believe it. It's Russell still. No, I know. It was just you.

And then I had a voice. That was not a fat joke at all. No, no, no, no. I was I think think you were, I thought you were, I know. But also how would we lift you under the bus? No, I don't know. I wonder, you know, I think his mom was in on it. Like I think she was part of the planning committee. So, man, I don't have any more information on that.

So, but then also the one thing i didn't bring up at the guy podcast was um he again david copperfield he's doing it so monotone but he had someone there who's like uh here we have a special guest steven from the philippines steven's sister died in a car accident in 2010 and he swore he would complete her bucket list which included doing an illusion with me, David Copperfield. Come up here, Steven. And it was a real person whose sister had died. And David Copperfield just doesn't give a shit about this going through the motions and made Steven disappear.

Did Steven come back? No, he joined his sister. No, yeah, he came back. But I thought if my sister ever dies, I got to go back to the show because that would be very cool. Yeah. To be part of an illusion. Yeah. Magic is weird there. It's just like everything feels really like, like that rapper, like dead,

like just like stiff, just stiff and dead. Well, how long has David Copperfield been doing a thing there? I mean, I think this is a newest show. Oh, we also, Christopher is, Christopher is almost here. Okay. But, but,

but we're going to have a nice 10 minute interview with Christopher. Yeah, I really got to leave at seven, so. But, so Tova and I were in this cab and this cab driver was,

was talking, but, but it was, it was actually nice because he was a New Yorker. He recognized us as New Yorkers. Yeah. Because that's how we walk into cabs.

We go, we're New Yorkers, so don't talk to us. Oh, my God. Do you see Tova? Did she put it on her Instagram? I messaged her. It made me laugh so hard. From her Uber driver while she's in the Uber. And I guess Tova was on a phone call.

And it said, you are yelling. You are screaming. You are screaming. Oh, my God. I laughed so hard when I saw that. You are screaming. Because I can think of Tova. She must have been laughing, too.

Like, that's when Tova's the loudest. Her laugh is like, aha! And I feel like the the idea of saying that to think about to someone who's about to give you a rating also you have to really feel like didn't say it he messaged it like he texted it which is even funnier do you know i mean like that's like even funnier that being like he didn't interrupt her to be like, hey, this is hurting my ears. He was like he was he he passive aggressively sent her a message. It's crazy.

You are screaming. You are screaming. So, Russell, here's a here's a new part of the podcast. This is called I have to go let the guest in. And so you're going to Bill Burr style. You're going to talk to them. No, I hear some advice. Think about something you want to talk.

Think of a topic. Don't I don't want any stuttering. I don't want any like, um, what else? This is your... Wait, wait, wait. I have to go to the door, so we don't have time for much of a pep talk. Start talking.

Talk to the audience. You know the audience. Oh, my God. This is so stressful to me. Hi, guys. It's Russell here. John Marco, are you okay? John Marco just tripped on the microphone wire um our guest is coming in um this is not going to be good content i'm i'm distracted

because i i want to introduce myself and um i think what's best is if john marco you know what i'm going to do i'm going to just sit here and I'm going to give, I'm going to be quiet and John Marco, I'm going to tell him he can just cut out the 20 seconds of silence that I was giving. Oh, he's back. Christopher is going to be here in one second.

That was bad. I did. I did not do a good job. I did not talk about anything. John Marco. Why? You have so many opinions because I was distracted. I was like,

I don't want to be distant from the guests i want to like introduce myself and um let's look at our texas chains let me share some of your opinions and we can talk about um i uh uh we're about to have so so we're in this cab and this guy he's a he's a new yorker and he's he talks about he used to own a pizza shop in new y. And it's like a beautiful conversation. And then he moved to Vegas to start a pizza place. The place fell through. Now he's driving a cab.

And then he was making some joke about like Tova and I should get married or like are we married and talking about relationships. We were like, oh, are you married? And he just goes, oh, no, I lost my wife in 9-11. And I realized I could never love another person again but you know time you move on and you heal and oh my god so pizza and like he it was one of these things where it was such a good i don't mean to make this like about you see sometimes people uh uh like when they're talking about emotional things like like in entertainment or stuff, or like an actor, like a bad actor would be like, I lost my wife at 9-11.

And it was like the way that he just said it, like, this is part of his story and this is his life. Yeah. And it was so moving and so, like, just, it, like, got Tova really bad. Yeah. Hi. So do you want a seltzer or anything? Hi. I actually want a seltzer.

Sure, sure. All right. Russell, take two. All right. Solo podcast, go. Come on. All right. This is an ad by BetterHelp. What comes to mind when you hear the word gratitude?

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get started. If you're thinking about starting to invest, Questrade's award-winning support team is here to help you learn how to become a better investor. From placing your first trade to setting up customized stock alerts, we're always by your side. Just a few of the reasons why we are Canada's number one rated online broker by MoneySense. Get started today at Questrade.com. I'm going to read something. I'm going to read from John Marco's text messages because John Marco, while I was gone, I feel pressure to talk to him because he gets really upset if I don't talk to him. Anyways, I was asking him how he's going, what's going on.

And he's telling me a story via text about his day. And it's been kind of a rough day and all the reasons why it's been rough. And then in it, he just slips in that he was kicked out of a Starbucks without going into any further detail of why he was kicked out of a Starbucks. And then he goes on to talk about something else. And I, yeah, I was. You were telling, welcome, Christopher. Hi. There's your headphones.

There's your mic. Hi. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Well, this was the story I was going to open with. Christopher, feel free to weigh in on this. I was just in Indianapolis. Okay, yes.

And I got kicked out of a Starbucks. And so he's yelled at me before for not texting him back. So he's texting me about the days at blah, blah, blah. And he's and I'm like, oh, tell me about the day. And he's going through things. And in the middle of a long text, he throws in. And then I was pretty much kicked out of a Starbucks and then goes on to like start talking about other things. And I was like, wait, what?

You were. So, yeah. So you. So, yeah. So explain. OK, it's it's I went in i got i had stars you know the star system you can get a free oh in the app in the app oh i know the stars yes so i was getting like i was getting my star drink which is chai latte uh four shots of espresso yeah yeah yeah i'm tired and you milk it also the stars you gotta you gotta get a fancy yeah of course yes and i i said to uh barista number one i said i said to her

uh can i use my stars i swear to god she said yes i get it i go as i walk a block away uh i see on the app it recharged my wallet which meant that i was charged so So I go, fuck. I walk back. I go, I'm sorry. I need to return this, I guess, because I would not spend $9. I wouldn't spend $9 on a drink. And she goes, barista number two says, oh, we don't accept stars here. And I said, oh,

when I ordered it, I said I want to use the stars. And barista number one goes, no, you didn't. And something in me, quickly i went and i want to i want to recreate it because we have to judge it based on how i did it i know i know you were i went you were you were way too much but i i said yes i did i swear to god that's the volume i said yes i did and and barista number two goes oh we will not have you yelling at our employees this is indianapolis so i gotta tell

you this felt like a moment of i'm not in new york yeah you're not i was gonna say also like the second you said nine dollars i was like i don't know what richie richie starbucks people like nobody orders a nine dollar drink of course no of course no that is that is it i am milking the star system drink yeah yeah no rational no that's that's crazy trust fund or the star system drink. Yeah. Yeah. No rational. No, that's, that's crazy. Trust fund or the star thing. Yeah. When someone, so I swear that's the volume I said it. And when someone says you're yelling and you're not yelling.

Yeah. And I am. Okay. But was there music on? Like how many people were also at the Starbucks? It was a full Starbucks. And everyone was really quiet. Like everyone was like,

and that seems atypical for a Starbucks. No, I know. But in Indianapolis. And now I want to add on to this. I was wearing like a, I'm on the road. I'm wearing like sweatpants and like a sweatshirt. I'm looking, I'm looking not of this world, of this segment of America. I think I was looking like, I wouldn't say like I don't have a home.

But like I was looking just I wouldn't say like I don't have a home. I was looking just like a schlub. Maybe if you're really uncomfortable with people. I don't know. That's just a detail. So she says, you're not going to yell at my employees. Let me return this. And then she takes my drink and she goes, well, if you're going to

return it, you sure had a lot of it. And I'm like, and I'm like and I'm like and now now I want to yell. Now she's shaming you. Because of course I did. There's nothing wrong with the drink. I was walking and I drank it. So then the manager comes over and goes like what's going on here and I

explained and he was I'm not going to have you yelling at both my employees. I'm going to return this. We'll get your money back and then I'm going to have to ask you to leave. And so he does it. And I don't have enough time to think of a good thing to say. And I should have just left. But I said, treat your customers better, you fucking asshole.

And then I left. And I didn't even yell that one either. And I know that's not good. It's not like you're going back there. John Margot, there are people that were at that Starbucks that like are, are probably still talking about this. This is the biggest thing that's ever happened in any of us. I was going to say this is kind of a gift.

Yeah. Yeah. That you gave them here. It's also very New York. Cause like that was so, wow. They caused, they,

they, they issue with that. Yeah. I feel like refunds and like a loud voice. I used to work at a restaurant in college and I worked like, you know, I'd go after class and I worked like evenings. So it was like, you know, everyone was wasted. I was like, that would not even come close to approaching the radar of like, you're yelling,

sir. You know what I mean? Like, wow. But don't you think, because here's my thought, because you're on Twitter and you're very good at twitter i sometimes think about like yes how how would this get framed on twitter and i like could see that barista writing a tweet about me and having to leave the internet yeah she would write and i am i'm so so sorry to say this to you a scathing threat and she would frame it in a way at 1000 yeah what you definitely didn't say the star thing

if you were writing that tweet and you were trying to destroy my life how would you how would you do it okay so first you'd have to invoke i'm my my rat brain is racing here there's a union going on it's actually like as a minimum wage worker oh yeah yeah yeah i am used to toiling and dealing with the abuse of countless uh uh sis sis she'd assume has is that white man um fuck right oh no no no i can i all the buzzwords should hit him she would slam him um and you would absolutely have to take demanding for a manager i mean you're like demanding the manager you didn't demand for the manager they just karen yes definitely karen that would get invoked um i think that's sir karen jesus christ karen oh wow that would get invoked, yeah. Yeah.

Also, this is not the first time you've admitted to screaming at employees. It's true. Also, the Sweetgreen situation where you yelled at them about chicken. I didn't yell. I disagreed with them. Well, here's the thing. Also, Sweetgreen, they deserve a few. Thank you. They've gone downhill.

I will have you know, I wrote the Starbucks app in my Instagram and I got a $15 extra credit. Wow. Now you can buy. Thank you, Howard Schultz. I am anti-union now forever. Daddy Schultz. Well, Sweetgreen, their harvest salad, they, I actually had a moment. I'm going to call it a moment where I said to, and one could argue, I might've appeared intoxicated um was i intoxicated that's all

you know i'll leave you to decide yeah um i said you know you guys have gotten real real real skimpy on the goat cheese lately in the harvest salad um and the fear in the eyes of the woman i was speaking to sort of conveyed to me that it was time for me to end the conversation in that moment but it could it was it was about to be that it was about to be my own indiana starbucks yeah because i was like i know don't gaslight me bitch i know i'm looking two chunks on here at most it's it used to be a whole crumbling it's so weird when a restaurant chain yeah does that yeah and you're like, I've gone multiple times. And it's not just this one person. It is you have made a policy to change something here.

And it's worse. It sucks now. Like, I'm an agreeable guy. I don't have a temper. I'm an agreeable guy. I was like, I eat at this fucking goddamn soulless salad place. It's swearing aloud. Yeah, no temper there.

Oh, my God. It's swearing aloud. Yeah, no temper. Oh my God, it's swearing aloud? Okay, because I'm disgusting. I love that you said no temper and then this fucking shit hole. I'm like this shit hole, shitty piece of asshole salad chain. I was like, I eat at this shit hole every day. The goat cheese, like I'm not,

I've noticed. Yeah. Like I noticed things. I accused them once. We were in a fight on Twitter. We agreed. And I like in my rant about whatever happened, I notice things. I accused them once. We were in a fight on Twitter. And in my rant about whatever happened, I was also like,

first, you make your bowls smaller. Don't think I didn't notice that. They changed their bowls. And they, I swear, their dimensions are different. No, it's not as good. It's like the hexagonal concave. They think they're being... They think they're like,

oh, we're MoMA gift shop now. We'll trick them. We have this fancy... It's like, no, that'scave. They think they're being, they think they're like, Oh, we're moment. We'll trick them. We'll trick them. Have this fancy. Yeah. No, that's your fancy way of giving me less space. Yeah. I mean,

they mathematically did a good stuff. They probably were like, they probably were like, well, like this will save us 10% on each, each fucking bowl. And then they just throw it. We won't notice. It's crazy.

And you know what they said? You know what they said? I could go on a, a borderline psychotic, that the lip of the bowl is wider now because of the hexagon, the vibes of the hexagon. And they said these little rodents, they're going to come in. They're going to say munch, munch, munch. They're going to eat the salad.

They're not going to notice. But you know what? Some of us are crazy. Yeah. Some of us eat salad every day and we're crazy. But we're still going there. And we still go and we suck it down. I don't go as much.

It really, for a while you're like, I can't tell if it's COVID or blah, blah, blah. But you're like, it's not as good. Well, yeah, I don't go anymore because I don't have dining dollars. So I'm not paying 14 bucks for the goat cheese gaslight experience. Dining dollars, where are you going to school?

Columbia. Columbia? Yes. Why do you say it like that? You should be proud. Okay, well, we'll go there. I'd love to take a shit on a car. Oh, we didn Why do you say it like that? You should be proud. Okay. Well, we'll go there. Good.

I'd love to take a shit on a car. Oh, we didn't do the thing yet. We haven't like played your intro. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're talking about the Starbucks thing.

I don't know why. Okay. Um, Oh yeah. I'm not the button. Uh, we're very excited. We are,

we are now must be four hours into this podcast already. I'm happy to bring on, bring on, uh, our guest. You just had an already. I'm happy to bring on our guest. You just had an audition. Can you say what it's for? Okay, so. No, just say the casting director. Yes, just say the casting director's address.

Rhymes with Pinton Parentino. Oh, wow. No, I'm kidding. So, stand-up comedian, writer, any other you like in there? Tweeter, Twitter, master? Cutie pie, I'd say. I think it would be strange if I volunteered that one. It would be very forward of me.

I think it's kind of rude that you didn't. Comedian, writer, cutie pie, Christopher Thomas. And will you say something negative to lead us into this about yourself life in general whatever um fuck you this is the downside you're listening to the downside with John Marco Cerise

fuck you John Marco it came out You're like, fuck you. Fuck you, John Marco. It came out of me. So you were going to Columbia pre-pandemic? Yes. Yeah. I was a pandemic finisher. Mid-pandemic finisher.

So 2020 was your what year? That's the word for that. Yeah, 2020. Was your senior year? Yes. And what was your major? I was a double major. So don't make assumptions um okay uh theater and german literature oh wow and i had a concentration in um translation studies and i wrote a thesis on the performativity of fascism in uh weimar berlin

so making money is important to you so making money is you know bottom tier on my list of priorities yeah which is funny because i don't have any no it should be higher i did a columbia theater production it was an mfa program it was a 150 person version of spoon river anthology when uh like the first year the river is made of spoons uh you've never heard of spoon river no it was like a famous monologue book that sanford meisner really took to for his exercises where each is a is a beyond the grave monologue of like this rural town and a bunch of people a bunch of uh theater kids who have never seen a cow in person would pretend that they could understand the struggle of rural america yeah they actually love doing it upstate and people do it all the time oh yeah yeah it's easy to do you can cast as many people as you want it's it's just monologues

and i thought it'd be cool to be part of 150 person production but that just meant that your part was one 150 right that's actually the i know exactly what you mean i'm obviously unfortunately i was a theater kid you know yeah i always think I always think the bigger, like, ooh, la la la. And then it's like, I'm a minnow. Yeah. So you. I'm a spoon. You were in your last year. Yes.

And then how quickly did they start Zoom classes? Once everything shut down, like March 15th, about 2020? Yeah. That was honestly eerily accurate. I had a weekend that got canceled. So I was like, that that was really you plucked that with it with a stunning specific yeah uh so it was march 17th i think actually uh yeah yeah and uh i uh was also i stayed in the city for a while because i was also like working uh and then

that stopped and uh yeah everyone was online it was like this bizarre it was just bizarre what work were you doing i worked at um i prefer you know uh performing arts conservatory for young children in uh harlem oh was that fulfilling or was it did you feel like you were yeah i honestly i was like a negative podcast i loved it I didn't love the pay. Fuck the pay. Yeah, yeah. Fuck the pay. There you go.

Downside to the pay. Loved the kids. Angels. Art. Fulfilling. Blah, blah. But you're not, you don't feel good about Columbia. What do you not like about Columbia?

I think, well, I think, you know, oh, what's the, I'm thinking of the politician answer. You know, I'm like, well, great, great facets to any institution. You know, the kids were assholes and kind of the politician answer. I'm like, well, great facets to any institution. The kids were assholes. I think I just also had to work full-time through college. That feels bad. It's also like nobody else there did. I have a few friends. I met some of my best friends there.

I live with them now. Sweet angels. I love them. Would never have been able to do anything if i hadn't gone there like you know so it's maybe a little bit you know hindsight 2020 like you know fuck that place kind of thing um i'm grateful for the opportunities i had there i just think you know i became very disillusioned with like college is everything that was what was like pushed on me all of high school like get the sat scores get into college you know and i get there and i was like you guys are um sort of uh

not fun but it's good that you have that realization in college i feel like yeah yeah yeah and i feel like it's better to be in college in new york you have to face the real world and see the real world yeah very viscerally as opposed to a campus where you're like it does seem like it's everything world you're delaying like this real world thing you know you're and you can be in your little bubble and you're like oh it's you know and then you're going hiking yeah yeah so so so college shuts down they moved to zoom did you stay in new york so i stayed in new york for a little bit i love i'm gonna die here you're gonna you're gonna pull me out yeah in a coffin uh i love dark it's downside yeah fuck off you know what i mean coffin vibes um yeah so i stayed in new york for a while um and then i went home i moved around a lot as a kid my parents currently live in portland maine okay i'm trying oh i was

just there i did one show there but i don't really know it super well but it seemed lovely well you do know it if you were like it's it's small it's small i see it's it's uh i think it's good to um like it's beautiful and not a lot going on um but it was like you know i felt a little bit like i would gaslight myself in a positive way and i think i was like edgar allen poe up there in the woods you know i mean like writing because i was going crazy yeah so it was my own personal like raven and whatever you know how long were you there for like so i was there for like a year wow yeah because i had to get um a job to come back yeah you know because i was like oh yeah because the the performance thing that i'm assuming that's just there yes yeah yeah they weren't doing that yeah yeah so they for a while we um we switched to like online classes but like then they had to you know non-profit yeah yeah

they had to have half the shit going on so then i was like tutoring tutoring like tutoring online for amazing money did you go to the zoom graduation i did yeah how sad was it oh it was it was the 13th reason for at least half the graduating class like they had this montage and it was like a filmed ahead montage of of uh you know like like someone made a powerpoint and saved each slide individually you know what i mean and like put it in a and like you know put some oh yeah mariah carey over it and it was really yeah yeah yeah did you have to say anything did you like hold up your thing or no okay no no no it was like you watched it i didn't mind that part though it's funny if they said each name you know how they bring you on stage like for some people that's their child's first and last time they're ever going to be on a stage yeah yeah and they

just spotlight your screen for like a second yes yeah yeah and they just spotlit your screen for like a second yes yeah yeah well not well not even because a lot of the there were a lot of like international there are a lot of like international students i think just you know maybe uh maybe not couldn't be there but like internet is not a thing for everybody i think you know what i mean like so they just didn't do that part as much and so you just kind of heard your name like you had a slide of your name and that was it that sounds very depressing

yeah it was depressing it was the downside I mean my graduation was it was lame too I was not into college I didn't go when I went to the first one and then for when I got my MFA I was like I'm not going to that. I don't even have my diploma because I had an overdue library book.

I chose the book over the diploma. I actually don't have my diploma because I have a PE class that I didn't do. Oh my god. A PE class? Or you didn't graduate. Well yeah. It's like I have to pay

a fee and submit proof that I did it and I didn't do it. And yeah. So if you had to take it, would you have to? I think in like 20 years, if you went back and took a PE class. Oh, you could do a whole like that would be very fun. You could do a reality show on it. Wouldn't that be funny? To pay for the fee.

Well, actually, I tried to write a pilot on it. And then I was was like this is weird this is just really weird uh so i'm gonna just not do this wait so that's interesting so what what was the requirement at columbia because i my school had a requirement too is four semesters it was of a physical education you had to take it um it also had to do with like it's it's part of this like core they have a really demanding core and you have to take it um it also had to do with like it's it's part of this like core they have a really demanding core and you have to take it and um it can only be like there's a swim test involved what because like back columbia is like 3 000 years old and it used to be like they were scared for some reason

students were going to drown so they made people take a swim test i am not taking this one i was a competitive swimmer for like six years i haven haven't taken the swim test by Columbia standards. Yeah. Okay. So I have to like, I have to say, I mean, honestly,

it's probably the kind of thing where like it's paperwork that I'm ignoring. Yeah. I think ultimately, cause I think I could figure it out. Yeah. Columbia looks good. If I went to Columbia, yeah,

I'd get that diploma. Yeah. It's something I should sit down and do. Um, right in front of the uncle. No, don't hang up. I don't like people hang up this uncle function i've actually been staring at it so sketch team yeah okay got it and it's only there because i don't have a diploma

from columbia university i was like it's a function of uncles you don't you don't like you don't like a uh hanging diplomas no no me either right yeah gross thank you it's like i don't even like it when doctors do it i'm like i trust you yeah i trust you well i'll tell you the opposite i got a doctor once when my insurance when i was no longer qualified for insurance under sag yeah my new doctor he had a diploma and then a frame that was like four times too big for the diploma and like it was just kind of like sitting there in the corner his diploma and that's when i was like oh i don't trust this doctor now i'm not gonna trust your prescription is gonna be accurate if you couldn't get a correct frame yeah no for your diploma frame that thing right no but i think

i think i'm so disillusioned with all college stuff that i'm like i just am like it's i don't care uh it's all weird to me like anyone that really excels at it i'm like i don't quite trust you like i like i mean no i don't quite trust you like i like i mean no i don't know if there's just like i actually no i take that back if you excel a lot of people if you excel that's fine like a lot of people you don't like the supreme court nominated anyone that's like super proud of their college still do you know like it's like that john millennium anyone that's like too proud of college or like where they went still i'm like that's weird it's embarrassing it's people who get excited like where they went still, I'm like, that's weird.

It's embarrassing. People who get excited, like, oh, you went to Miami? Or they still follow the team still? You went to Miami. University of Miami, yeah. You did? Yeah. That is so, I would never have been like-

But it was because they had a theater program. But that's all it was. I got a musical theater scholarship. But that's not me. My sister went to University of Miami. She's posting pictures. Snoop Dogg passing her a joint at a concert. Yeah, I was going to say,

she must be cool. I went to one football game. I went to the beach three times. Got it, got it. Like insane, gross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Waste of college. I know some kids from my school

went down there for school, and they were all cool. Yeah. See, Noah, I have two of the closest people in my life. Actually, did I just imply that you're not cool? Yeah, pretty hard, pretty hard. school, and they're all cool. Yeah. You know, they're all... See, Noah, I have two of the closest people in my life. Oh, wait, actually, did I just imply that you're not cool? Yeah, pretty hard, pretty hard. No, but I was going to say,

you and my wife, who are not necessarily the people that you're like, they are cool. Both went there. It's interesting. I like that you meet people sometimes, and you're like, they're cool.

They're the kind of people... This is actually what I meant, was like, they're the kind of people that, like, don't know what... have never seen live theater. Like they have a life outside. Like I don't picture theater people down there. I'm a theater weirdo. You know, I don't picture my kind in that area.

But that's cool. Now, when did you switch from like theater to comedy? Like, cause I had a very much a like i was an actor and then yeah i am an actor it's a sad little tale well it's a confession i a confession yeah yeah you know why and i'm an actor it feels to me to me i'm like i feel like the more you become a comedian the harder it is to like swallow some of the acting stuff yes yes yes yeah so i i did um i did and this sounds like some little uh cinderella tale i was i took strassburg classes at night too during college when did you sleep this sounds like i didn't i didn't sleep much and i was doing that

and i was like i love because i do love movies and love acting and stuff and i was like i'm gonna do this um and then i think at some point i you know it was one of the mental one of the one of the mental breakdowns i was like um i should try comedy uh because i love making people laugh and everyone was like okay you know there's is there someone you should be taking that you're not taking i was like yeah there is so i so i would take it and then start a comedy, and that was a convoluted way of saying, I don't think I ever really like, there's no point I can identify. It was like somewhere in the mess,

the muddle of college. I was like, I'm doing so much shit. Where's my tight five? Uh huh. You know? Yeah. Uh,

so yeah, I, I like Googled like bad Slava, you know, like, yeah, yeah like googled like bad slava you know like yeah yeah that's the open mic website yeah i was like i googled like open mic you know and nyc and then i showed up you just started doing it yeah do you remember your first like five minutes or your first like what that kind of content was and if that's still in your oh yeah no i oh i remember um this was also like the the i just the sort of maybe detail that might illuminate a lot of the the the madness is like this was before i came out also so i was like i

started i started stand up and i was like my whole set was you know i was like yeah she her i'm you know yeah i'm not i can't even do my old sounds misogynistic now i try to imitate my old voice yeah very very funny somebody accuses you of like hey what the fuck is this oh i've had that problem i was there's the guy i when i started homeless there got to be a point where like i was trying to do my old jokes and i was like what's up with periods and everyone was like this guy's an asshole. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a weird time.

It was weird. I started doing comedy and I was like, I'm this little dyke. And then I was like, none of that's true. So how much comedy did you do before you transitioned? Probably like, oh, nine or ten months. Yeah. And then it was like the pandemic hit and like everybody else i was like well obviously i'm a dad so obviously you know like it was it was felt like this moment to be honest with myself kind of did this did the was it while you were at home or was it

while you were in new york well it start it started in it started in new york i started i started like uh this is so um this is so corny but it's it's so true i feel like i was doing a lot of stuff that was like you know i was going to classes and like acting classes and uh doing a lot of stuff that was very um being someone else and then i was like i love comedy and i know I know I'm I know I'm at least moderately amusing um and I have to be someone that I'm not on the little stage like none of these jokes make sense to me in my heart and uh then I was like why is that dude you know yeah um so it sort of uh stand up actually I think it's was the catalyst for me coming out did it feel weird in the acting too did it feel strange of like oh i want to play this and not this in the scene

1000 because i i i had stand-up about i had stand-up about this like in my early coming out days ironically but like i as a kid i always played the male lead in all the musicals because i was like taller than all the like boys yeah and so I was like, you know, I was like Tony in West Side Story. Yeah. I was like Bugsy Malone in Bugs Malone. Wait, were you Tony, though? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Wow. That feels like, looking back, it must feel like, oh, I could have realized it right there. I mean, the photos. I posted them before. I truly observe. I was Grandpa Jell and Willy Wonka. I was like there. I mean, the photos, I posted them before. I mean, are truly absurd. I was Grandpa Joe and Willy Wonka. Like, dude. I was like, well, let's go to the factory.

Like, come on, buddy. Yeah. Who was I fooling? Yeah. So there was that whole thing. And then I got to, yeah, I got to. All these Republicans are worried about like teaching in schools about things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What if it was, it's the casting. It's like, you cannot cast. Yeah. As grandpa Joe. We know we, we said you cast grandpa Joe. And then it's a slippery slope.

It's a long, long, slippery slope. I mean, it's 1000% fault, fault of the theater. Yeah. 1000% blaming.

Thing about how theater. I was just going to say, they, they, sometimes because of the play, the certain types of plays and the certain types of things that are done over and over again. There's like these weird,

like, I feel like there's such gender things in that. Like you're, then you're like, if you're put in something and you're like, Oh, I really don't feel like, like over and over.

I mean, I'm maybe thinking of my theater thing, which was a very classical theater training program. I don't feel like like over and over i mean i'm maybe thinking of my theater thing which was a very classical theater training program i don't know maybe it's come a long way in the last 10 years but i i feel like there's this weird thing where um you're doing these such old things that are like you're either this or you're this or they they they put people in slots that are very rigid yeah and um i feel like that would really be illuminating if you're like i don't know what i don't connect to any of this you know totally yeah well my first i not say it's the same thing but when i did my first like big theater thing it was in third

my first comedy theater thing it was uh streganona which do you remember that book of course and streganona this this sexist bitch streganona says she's only going to teach women how to make the noodles or whatever. And so in third grade, I played, I think his name was Anthony. I think so. And his thing, he puts on a dress. And he pretends to be a woman

so he can learn the lesson of the thing. And of course, again, this is third grade. I'm not pretending this was revelatory here. I put on a dress and probably was like, hello, how are you? But there was something about, and that's the first time I is third grade. I'm not pretending this is revelatory here. I put on a dress and probably was like, hello, how are you? But there was something about, and that's the first time I made people laugh. I could, of course. But there was like, there is something about like, oh, that's what I, something about theater and acting is also about identity and not fitting in, in one way or another and i'm not saying me like wanting to do that was because

i wanted to wear a dress but it was because i wasn't happy or comfortable and i wanted to like explore in that theatrical space absolutely i mean i'm way hotter than grandpa joe so definitely wasn't you know mr nightgown um but i also like by the hopped the whole, the whole premise of the musical is just get into the problematic nature that he's like, he's the, the four of them are sausage up like little sauce, sardined up in that bed. And then he's like,

he springs right up to go to the chocolate factory with his grandson. I'm like, I know a scam when I see one, but, uh, that being said, no, I mean,

um, not to deflect from your uh very touching uh story there which i actually no no which i actually completely agree with like it if you're if you're uncomfortable as a kid the theater is appealing i almost said arousing and i was like nope uh appealing and regardless of where that discomfort comes from it's just interesting that the comedy is for you it's where you had the revelation. And I guess it's because you're writing from your own. Yeah.

Yeah. It's yeah. Right. You can't fake what you think is funny. Right. And I was like, ultimately I don't care about these random lesbians. Um,

you know, love them. Were you doing, you were doing like lesbian jokes? Like, well, um, well I was like,

it was not at like, I had like the stereo. Um, I feel like I started going to all these like kind of gay mics in Brooklyn where it was like it was not at like i had like the stereo um i feel like i started going to all these like kind of gay mics in brooklyn where it was like you you know make jokes whatever and then uh when i started to try i tried to get into like the club scene more it was like okay how do you make drunk midwestern tourists in midtown laugh sure like well i'm a you know and like you have a couple you have a couple classic heavy hitters that you know get people's jowls jiggling laughing get people laughing yeah get people's jowls jiggling and uh i was like i this feels um weird it just i i what do i pull from what's my

like shtick as a comedian like i have i have to have a couple things like it's definitely not this you know yeah so i think yeah it was like there was no monologue there was no script to memorize it was like come up with a script yeah fucker yeah you do you do have to identify your core thing yes yeah because yeah that's it's only the things that you really have a point of view on that you'll think of a good joke it kind of it's not even intentional but it's like if you're going to come up with a good thing it's got to be something you have a real strong point of view on yeah and your real point of views come from yourself yeah yeah yeah so so when you moved back home what what what is the process exactly like especially in the downsides what's the struggle like, especially like at the end of college, like college at the beginning of college is where you kind of every phase of

school is kind of from, in my mind, at least I did, it started like my new identity. Like I started high school and for a second I was like, I'm goth and it collapsed. But it's like, but at the end of college,

after you've been with people for so long, was it like a one by one thing? Was it a small circle, bigger circle, bigger circle? You mean like coming out? Yeah. You know, it's funny. It was like, well, that was when I joined Twitter. Oh, I see.

Well, yeah, yeah. I had joined in that December. And I was like, I was in my, I was like, Icember um and i was like i was in my i was like um there's something i was like i'm genderqueer i was like you know flirting with language there i wasn't being concrete you know what i mean um and then i i was mid-march was home and i i had a my girlfriend at the time she had known for months because you know just knew me like intimately you know was like kind of was not surprised it was the first person i told she was like yeah um yeah were you scared to say um not to her and not to my friends all of whom are really gay you know like not to

not to that most of whom um but like to my my family yeah it's a hard one you know it's a hard one to stomach especially trying to come into like masculinity in your life and like at the time i was like hi you know like it was a little awkward if you felt awkward like uh you know do you think they took it seriously like immediately or do they think they thought oh okay that you know we'll see in six months i'll say i'll say we don't have a we don't we don't we don't speak much anymore really oh yeah so they didn't they didn't take it well um but you were staying there at this time oh wow and something within me was like and i and looking back i'm like i get that the catharsis like the moment was helpful for my own like uh work honestly and like stuff like that but you know maybe i could

have waited until i was uh closer leaving to drop the bomb on the folks. Oh, yeah. How much time was in there? A year. Oh, you did it early on. It was like, I was in my room, you know. Yeah. Because they were like, something's going on upstairs and we don't want to talk about it.

And I was like, well, I'm going to write a screenplay. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Yeah. So I came up to them. That was, mm. The internet was obviously great.

Well, my little corner of the internet. I had like 300 followers at the time so it was like it was like yay um i just say that because like now you know you attract some people who are like less yay but like at the time you know it was nice i had a nice little bubble friends were great um yeah it was really just that they were the only yeah yeah um not so great yeah do you feel like any of the that year was helpful in the any of the like having time off like in the work that you were like you know you said you were a screamer like was there like did you like feel like you had to have that experience or you really wish now that you just waited like do you're like i can really use this and summon like lots of good

nuggets or no i'm too close to it still to be like no it just would have been better if i waited a little longer you know to let them know yeah yeah yeah well specifically to let them know that could have could have held off on that i think uh you know what honestly i can't say yeah it's too hard i can't say not that long my impulse to say yes and then i'm like well um i was like kind of you know uh trying to do too much and kind of a chronic overachiever i think i i still am but like i'm a little bit i'm honestly tethered to reality now in a way that i wasn't before when i was like whatever nothing is real none of us like our genders it's like whatever you know what i mean like none of us know who we

are yeah uh now i was like oh oh shit um and so i shot myself up there and i wrote like we're just was like i'm gonna i'm gonna write a bunch of scripts i'm gonna be a tv and i'm gonna i'm gonna do this one i'm gonna do this video i'm gonna do this thing this and um i you know physically couldn't really engage with the like i was my room like i was in my room um and so in some ways i think it was good and i say that like tentatively yeah yeah it wasn't it wasn't an ideal situation but like nobody who's fucking good at anything i said i agree i agree it is like as sometimes it's like you know like well come on the best art comes out of just being some kind of uncomfortable and misery or pressure or just like a need feeling like shit.

You know what I mean? Like, as it wasn't like I was going to feel, I don't think I would have felt, you know, eons better, uh, like coming out in New York.

Like, you know, it's, it's not like fun. Yeah. Um, and so I ultimately think I aged 10 years in a year, but I take that as a positive.

Yeah. And I think, you know, yeah. Did you start testosterone? Did you start that while you were home? No, that was not going to be feasible,

unfortunately, because it's also, well, this is Portland, Maine. So it's like, you have to, it's like,

everything is like horse and buggy practically up there. It's like, like very, there's like one pharmacy. I can't drive also. Yeah. Oh, I can't drive either. Well, yeah, because of that. Yeah. Why that was that was my Joe.

Oh, that was your Joe. I wasn't being like, he doesn't know our code. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I missed the gesture. I missed shooting a free throw. Because I was shooting hoops. I couldn't drive. I was, youops. I couldn't drive. I was, you know, LeBron-ing out in the yard and was too busy to.

No, yeah, it was not going to be a feasible thing. Also because they want you to, like, you know, you need, like, a diagnosis. Like, you need a bunch of stuff that I couldn't make happen at the time. But I started, like, the day I was back in the spring. And that was, like, about almost a year ago. but I started like the day I was back in the spring. Um, and that was like about almost a year ago. Cause I've seen you type about just the paperwork and the massive amounts and the,

the doctors having to, they have to be like, we promise he's not going to blow his brains out if you let him do this. Like it's kind of nuts. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I was just so I, the medical system,

obviously. Yeah. This is a big one time about downside. That's why of nuts. Yeah. Yeah. Because I was just so, the medical system is obviously a disaster. Yeah, this is a big, I want to talk about downside. That's what I do. Yeah. Yeah. Ask a trainee about the healthcare system.

1,000%. Like, yeah. Yeah. Which, so, was the testosterone the first, like, big step?

Yeah, yeah. That's like, I feel like for most trans men, that's like the, yeah, yeah. And it's pretty, it's pretty easy. You kind of just. But the, but yeah, yeah but it's the paper the paperwork or the doctor you have to did you have to find the right

doctor yeah yeah yeah you can okay so if you want to do it what you do is you google how do i do it yeah and then they say here's how you do it go to your amazing doctor that you we assume you have and just say i want to do this and they're going to say we love you baby boy here's some testosterone you know like they present if you don't have anything you can you can go to Planned Parenthood which um they try their best they need more money like they don't you know like it's like months you wait for appointment for three months whatever yeah um i found a service called plume i'm actually gonna plug them plume plume p-l-u-m-e uh it's entirely trans doctors it's pretty cool it would be incredible if that was our sponsor i just think

that would be incredible i think that would be sponsored the downside yeah so plumes were listening i mean that would be instead of that racist coffee thing we get randomly assigned ads and and it's like this but all the all the roasters are racist yeah so instead of that racist coffee thing we'd like plume to please sponsor us instead of that yeah plume the uh the transgender affirming health care provider i mean 1000 i mean yeah i mean i love them and they and they uh it was like it's like 90 bucks a month i'm supposed to plan for zero but and like that to me is a lot of money but like it was so worth it you basically like i signed up and they assign you a doctor and the doctor gets you a prescription yeah in new york is it must be

easier in new york yes oh i mean if you live in like one of the other states the states i mean i'm not even uh i don't know i don't even want to speak on the process in other states. Like, I have no idea. It can be a nightmare. But the doctor has to say, like. So you have to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria, which is gender dysphoria, basically. Like, yeah. And it's a diagnosis.

And then they, like, that's what you need to be just to be prescribed it you need a doctor also who's willing to do that yeah that's what's so strange because i feel like i i see a therapist i've seen a psychologist for who's it that gives you the actual like antidepressant psychiatrist psychiatrist you know i know that information but this is like a doctor who's going to make a psychiatric evaluation. Yes. So yeah, most psychiatrists won't write HRT prescriptions. It's like,

I'm eating a medical doctor. Cause it's also like, I mean, and also to be fair, it's more like, I'd say more so than like antidepressants, you know what I mean? It's a,

for like blunt, it's like a chemical sex. Like it's pretty intensive physically. So you need blood work taken every three months to like make sure your levels are normal. You need stuff like that. Right. Um, what a lot of doctors will accept is like a note from your therapist or psychiatrist being like, he has centers for you, give him the thing. I see. Um, but I, at the time didn't have a, well, I had a therapist, but she didn't like, it was like a group, like I didn't really have a personal therapist. Yeah. So yeah so um i needed a

doctor who could diagnose me and prescribe for me and it's like what do you go go to city md you know i mean like if you don't have that kind of access yeah so you need someone to that's why people wait months to get in plan get into planned parenthood because the doctor there will be like yep you have the thing and i will give you the medication yeah um yeah it just seems so it just seems so challenging i've never had to have a doctor yeah decide something my therapist my therapist would trust me yeah they're supposed to yeah i mean it's also funny like with this whole like with all this shit right now i'm like it's so hard to get access to stuff like yeah if you're like it's very it's not like it's easy to get on any of these medications you know like uh so it's it's funny that it's just i feel like anybody who uh all of these legislators i'm like you guys try like literally one of you yeah just for an experiment

like use an alias try to get on try to get estrogen dude like you know what i mean like yeah good luck it'll take you a fat a fat month and a half minimum. And then it's like they want you to have therapy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when you start testosterone, is there any, like when you first started it, was it an intensive experience? What did you feel? It was like, okay, well, currently I'm in puberty. I'm in the middle of puberty which is uh i don't know

how y'all did this at 14 it was tough because i'm so horny and starving all the time i'm just hungry and horny um and uh the voice the voice crack was fascinating to go through i was like so you're over that phase i think sometimes when I, my roommate says, sometimes when I talk a long time, he hears it, like he hears it, he hears it go down a little bit. Yeah. And I'm like,

okay. I mean, my voice will still crack once in a while. Yeah. During standup, if I get yelly. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah. If you're at Starbucks and you're yelling, right. You're yelling at a manager. But that Seinfeld became famous for like, what's the deal? Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Well, right. Yeah. It's part of the, I mean, I i mean i had a i made it part of the um part of my routine for a while because i was like i'm a yodeler now and it's like ha ha you know see i can't do it anymore properly but there was a there was a time i was an excellent yodeler for like two months i was really like i nailed that you know uh but yeah it's funny if you were hanging out with a bunch of like 13 year old boys be like puberty's crazy right yeah you guys as horny as me you guys want some here while you you guys trying to we're all here trying to get some pussy bro yeah um yeah that is uh yeah yeah outside the horny stuff it was you just i feel like we were i don't know i was Bro, yeah. Yeah, that is... Yeah, yeah.

Outside of the horny stuff, it was... I feel like we were... I think you're about to say, I'll tell you the horniest I ever was. No, no, no. Outside of the horny stuff, I do... I mean, I was a fat kid, so I was eating a lot too. But also, I do remember this thing. Like an animal you had to eat.

Like school was done and you're like I need to feed. I can't keep the weight. I'm like vaguely, I'm like somewhat active. Not like I'm not like pumping iron. But like I can't keep the weight. Like I like shoving, shoving in my face.

I always liked food. I just never had this carnivorous. Not carnivorous. like, not carnivorous, ravenous. Ravenous. Ravenous appetite, yeah. And I feel like a lot of it when I started was, like, honestly, the mental relief, which is how I knew it was right for me. Because, like, the second I did my first shot, I was like, ah. I was like, I feel it.

And I was like, I definitely don't. But it was, like, my heart felt it. And so I was like, you know, I was like, I feel it. And I was like, I definitely don't. But it was like my heart, my heart felt it. And so I was like, you know, it was like I could relax a little bit. I was like, oh, in six months, I won't have to like my life will be a little smoother. Yeah. Yeah. Perceived how you want all that jazz. And did you I mean, did you know everything that it was going to change?

Like, I mean, you must have done a shitload of reading of all these things i imagine i did a lot of reading there's some things i didn't expect uh i haven't i feel like i don't have any i feel like i'm a great um spokesperson for i haven't um experienced any negative sometimes people have like mood swings and stuff that's also kind of normal puberty um but i feel like maybe it's because i've had so much therapy at this point like that i you know like going to people i went through one obviously different sure and i feel like that one i had more like i'm an adult now it's like you're going through that shit all the turbulence whatever but you're an adult so you cannot deal with it better so i feel like to me i'm like this is i was expecting you know especially with

the way people talk about it in the media they're're like, you're going to be a monster. And, you know, I feel like I was, it's been pretty chill. Yeah, that's good. It's been pretty chill. Uh, yeah. And now at some point, does it level off? So you said you're in the middle of puberty. Yeah.

Yeah. puberty yeah yeah so it's like yeah middle puberty um two to three years you don't you're not gonna look um like much different after that except aging you know i mean um i don't know if that makes sense like yeah two three years and then you continue though you continue the injections yes yes yeah yeah you take them uh i think i'll switch to monthly i take it once a week it's all about like when you want to when you want to uh do some people do gel there's like a gel um i think it's easier just i'm not gonna remember to put that shit on every morning i just know i would mess up something yeah the blood work would come back something is bad right now you know i mean yeah so i just it's you know it's easy you know um and uh i kind of

i feel like macgyver i feel like i feel really cool i'm like yeah oh my god i feel like john bon jovi i'm like so fucking yeah yeah um yeah so you so yeah you do it forever until you start complaining about cancel culture then you just breached it and then you're done right and that's and that is so funny oh my god that would be so funny that's the peak if at some point you think you're like you know what fuck that would be so funny wow this is really working 1000 yeah exactly look at these trophies if you don't win i don't i mean exactly exactly yeah yeah yeah and now i'm like i'm not doing all the paperwork for like the surgeries which is like what are the surgeries uh i mean that seems like there would

be so much like yeah yeah to gather so much shit top surgery is like pretty smooth to plan i have like a month or so which would be nice and, but like dick surgery is the amount of paperwork that you have to do is someone should write a play about that. Have you done enough? Because you prove gender dysphoria, at least to get the testosterone. Sure, sure. But you have to, they make stuff up. I think they make up words.

For sure. They're like, you have to come couple times. And I i think they make up words for sure they're like you have to come couple and i'm like what and they're like this form write it out you know like like there are forms there are you have to wait for uh you submit shit to your uh insurance being like hi you know and then they say no they say rephrase this so you say okay you know like stuff like. It's just back and forth. Also you have to find a doctor. Is this the order? Do you need to take testosterone before you do bottom surgery? Is it testosterone top

bottom? It's kind of a rhyme. It's kind of a jig to it. I'd say that's typical. But you can do top without testosterone. I know a lot of guys do that. to it uh you know that's like i'd say that's like typical um but you can do uh you can do top without testosterone i know a solid amount of guys do that it's also like uh non-binary people do it sometimes without testosterone you know sure um bottom surgery i have i have i have never

seen someone who has um gotten it without without being on testosterone um i don't know if that means you can't i just haven't seen that done um that most surgeons want to see like at least uh for bottom surgery they want to see like at least a year of hormone therapy they want to see medical documentation they want to see they're in therapy they want to see any procedure you've ever had ever had done they want to see any antidepressants you take they want to see the job you have they want to see if you're employed and is any of this because more it's like i've only had surgery once and it was a pretty minor surgery and it was very frightening congratulations it was it was very like is there any fear just around yeah the surgery and and recovery and pain and or are you looking forward to it so tremendously

that it supersedes that? Yeah, yeah. I think I also don't, maybe I'm not, I don't have a lot of like medical anxiety. I'm not, I wasn't, I think I wouldn't be too nervous

I think for any kind of surgery. Like I think for some people maybe with more medical anxiety I could see this being. So I don't want to be like, oh, I was solved. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. But no, yeah, I'm just so excited. I'm like, just't want to be like oh it's i was solved you know i mean yeah yeah um but no yeah i'm just so excited i'm like just give me that like let's go you know um yeah i also feel like the doctors who it's not like everybody is a bottom surgery expert

it's like not that you know what i mean so i So I trust the, like the doctors that I've, like I trust them a lot. The doctors I've seen who do it. I'm like, you know a thing or two. What does the top surgery cost? Top surgery, out of insurance, which a lot don't cover it. Well, that's, I always think it's interesting on Twitter because there's a lot of, you know, fundraising, GoFundMes and whatnot. And I mean, it's, it's, it's challenging to a degree because this is not just with transitioning,

but like with all medical things, part of it's like, well, fuck, we can't all be funding everyone's, like it becomes challenging. You see so many GoFundMes, you go like, well, this system is broken. And then the popular people are getting the money. And then what happens to the really lame person transitioning?

They should be able to transition. Just the person who writes really terrible tweets should also be allowed to transition. No one sees or reads. The shit poster should also get his top surgery fully funded. Oh, wow. That was... Oh, my God. I saw that and I went to scream.

My diploma's going to go there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally, totally. Yeah, I mean, someone tweeted... There's this bio tweet too that was like uh gofundme has become the backbone of the american healthcare system which is like yeah man yeah uh it's anywhere up to up to 10 grand for top surgery yeah um if you want it like good i'm sure you could go i don't know you would you probably do you know if you want it good yeah, like you probably want it to look not bad. Uh,

yeah. Seven. Yeah. And I know I got to do it for 50 bucks. I can give me a kitchen knife and a pair of, you know? Yeah. And a tourniquet.

And yeah. Um, so yeah, up to 10 grand and bomb surgery. Obviously you want a good looking result for that as well. For sure. Uh, and, actually the surgeon that i like the most i think is the nicest looking dick gallery oh he is it on the website

just like right there like no you have to request you have to request you have to request you have to that's actually the interesting thing about this because i didn't want i didn't know if i wanted bottom surgery for a long time because i was like oh the results that i see online like publicly are like immediately after operate like you know i was like i don't know what they are yeah yeah you're like i'll see six months a year yeah two years down the road yeah like after i get a haircut sometimes they'll be like can we do you mind if we take a picture for the instagram yeah imagine you no one has ever asked me you're fucking cock so you get a new dick and they're like hey can we just grab this for the website? Yeah, yeah, right.

It's not that many people that are going to agree to it. It's kind of intimate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I, well actually what really happened if this is true is I hooked up with a guy who'd had it. And I was like I was like do a spin for me. I was like do a spin for me I was like do a spin for me buddy

yeah you look good you know I was like who yeah who's your guy who's your dick guy did you go to so you're interested in his dick guy well I'm interested in his dick his dick guy that is so funny that's how they get all the referrals that's because someone fucks the patient

is through Kyle gets me a lot of work. Kyle gets me... I mean, this guy, he was... Kyle Greeneman. Is a total bore, but he was very handsome. So I'm sure he actually had a lot of referrals coming from him. Yeah.

Shout out to him. No, his surgeon, different part of the world, actually. Where? Paris. He went to Paris. Oh. Yeah, his mother is French. Oh, I was like is french oh so he was like yeah he was like in paris getting it done i was like well that's not helpful for me yeah think of me um well could you

go is paris is paris known for like is there a place like like a lot of people are going to turkey for hair transplants right now are they yeah yeah that's just like a place for whatever it is and rhinoplasty is i know a lot about plastic surgery now. No, the top, there were a lot of guys in Belgium and Serbia. Really? And the best, my dick guy, beautiful selection, in my opinion, he actually just transferred. Now he's at Mount Sinai in New York.

I was like, Miroslav. I forgot my surgery. Mount Sinai. Right. I was like, Miroslav,lav baby you should come all this way just for me uh it's amazing that you're here now where was it where was he before belgrade serbia oh oh okay wow i just about i was like looking up like serbia plane like i was like i'm a fucking you know airbnb serbia no you said schlep and i just thought oh schlepsia i think it's a great word it's a fantastic it's a beautiful word so what is what

does this doctor cost them well it depends on how much um my insurance it's like touch and go with them it depends on how much i can convince them like it becomes down to part of the letter writing process is like how can you can you convince them that this is medically necessary and how do you say it yeah and and so part of it's like like my friend um there's a whole network of like therapists who are good at writing insurance letters and we all pass them around like this guy interesting this guy he'll make it sound like you're gonna die if you don't have balls tomorrow you know what i mean like if you don't have a scrotum by sundown you're gonna kill yourself this guy will make that clear yeah um yeah yeah yeah so uh it's a lot a lot of that

stuff um it's such an intro it reminds me of when i hear about like immigration paperwork where it's a mixture of like the most bureaucratic government shit possible and like also trying to make an emotional uh argument or like convince them on a human level amidst stacks of paperwork. Absolutely. Yeah. And so it becomes artificial and so it becomes you hire the person who knows you. It's the same thing as college

essays. It's like I know it's all like it's going to be inauthentic to a degree because the confines are inhuman. You're trying to be human in inhumane confines. Yeah. Getting a penis and applying confines are inhuman you're trying to be human in inhumane confines yeah getting getting a penis and applying to college are really similar processes quite honestly i would love if there was someone who's like those are the two things they know how to write letters for dick letters college letters he's like dick college yeah college yeah i mean

honestly college was harder um i think that was actually maybe a little, well, well, I don't know. Who's to say? Who's to say? Yeah. But that was certainly my parents certainly were more invested in college. I'll say it that way. They're not reading. They're not reading the drafts of my penis letter.

I'm going to tell you that. They're not like good reference. Good. Oh, my God. You know, good mention of the testes in that line honey you know oh that's really funny oh that's that's why have you used the same references for your college essay and your penis it's like yeah yeah yeah you're like abraham lincoln i've always been a dedicated student and i um but you hope that's you hope that's on the docket yeah i hope it's on the docket it's like uh yeah it's anywhere from out of out of pocket insurance and it can

be anywhere from 60 to 100 grand for like if you want to if you want to get a good a good a good pp a good pp uh with insurance i'm gonna try to argue my way down to like 20 if i can and then save up and then pray uh that works out um but also you do the thing the thing with this is like you know you need to you're gonna spend about three months on the couch yeah you're gonna be that's what it is three months yeah like you know you're not gonna you can't really you're gonna be waddling for a bit you know i mean like get to kind of plan with work you better be working remote for a bit let me just say that you know how it was revolutionary that uh that comedian did a stand-up special while pregnant i think it would be if you did a whole stand-up special like immediately i'm like excuse the drains well

they you're in the you're in the hospital for a couple days and this is i think this is hilarious no one else thinks this hilarious i'm like you guys are that's turfy hi jk rowling um i think this is fucking hilarious there's a heart monitor strapped to your dick in the hospital for three days there's like a little ee ee and it's like touching it's strapped on there because they're checking to see if it's like living i guess i guess i think maybe it's not that funny to me i'm just like oh it's very funny it has its own heart now it's like its own little guy. I had no idea. It's like living down there.

My friend who had, who had, who had bottom surgery recently, he was like, hi, this is my own person. He's sending me like photos of his cock. He's like,

look, there's a thing touching it. I was like, this is, this is so funny. This is so funny. Is it like the little thing that goes in your thumb? Yes. Yes.

Yes. Oh my God. It's like a dick clip. It's like a chip clip except not as pinchy yeah yeah oh my god that's that's so funny yeah it's it's passing yeah uh yeah and there's like marker marks on it you know i mean like sure and i'm like this is a bit is it ever challenging of where because comedy you know part of comedy is like saying like the where because because it's such

a territory that there's so many people that are still so horrible about and hateful towards is it ever challenging of like oh i want to say the like fucked up thing about it but i'm also i'm part of the like there's like there's like trans people in america there's like a weird pressure on you to to like like be the representative yeah yeah oh yeah yeah oh i think any i think any trans person who has even an ounce of like i don't i'm not like no one knows who i am it's like on the internet it's like on the internet like on one app some people might you know i mean like i can't imagine for trans people we're in like the spotlight like that must be kind of sure um but yeah yeah yeah yeah i feel like people uh if i make a joke if um it's hard to make jokes yeah it can be to and invoke this because people will

quote you being like well think of our community i'm like i am i am yeah you'll have the i am i am of the can be like shut the fuck and you'll have transphobic people ready they'll jump on it and be like you see yes look yeah i make a couple oh yeah yeah and and okay my favorite thing about this also is like sometimes i make like a joke and they want to say the trans the transphobics i told they want to say like look at this disgusting guy but then they're like oh wait because they'll be like they'll be like uh ew man pig and then they're like well you know what i mean yeah that's like i've seen that happen more and more with the with the jokes i don't even know what to do with me anymore because you know what i mean like oh interesting yeah yeah like like same with like trans women they'll be

like oh you're a whore and a bimbo and a bitch and they're like well well but you know what i mean like there's this weird like don't know how to lob criticism at you yeah just like well you're transgender it's like so true accurate baby yeah yeah yeah so it's weird it's weird um do you have to run no i have i have a thing at eight okay we do okay so let's let's go to our uh uh our next segment this has got to stop this has got to stop this has got to stop did you ever this has got to stop yes you do i i did i remember the email i remember the two things um so i should i should i say it tell us what's got to stop well i had two angles for this um the first is sort of you know anticlimactic we were already discussing it twitter just twitter discourse was my another one other one I was like,

I'm going to... I was like, organic deodorant? Let's do organic. Only because Twitter comes up... Because Twitter is like a cesspool of... But organic deodorant. Because I have been with someone who worked organic deodorant.

Oh, and were you also a victim? Yeah, it was a rough time. Yeah, well, right. It's not very strong. Yeah, no. All natural. Organic? It's a scam.

It's a scam. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. Is there anything in there? Did you ever use it? Well, so a woman convinced me once. We were intimate. And she had these like chalk things that she would rub on her armpits um and they're very expensive they're very very expensive they're like 20 bucks you order a box

of rocks and and you rub them on your armpits and you stink oh god you stink and that was my this has to stop i was like this is this is you smell bad what was the benefit it's like smell prevention they think it's deodorant they think it's deodorant they think it's deodorant these people but can't they i mean are they are they is it the luxury of only being like not being able to recognize it in yourself and then you're just lucky that no one else around you is doing that is that because i feel like if they had one more person that they encountered that they were like i do it too and then they smelled them they'd be like okay so it doesn't work i think the issue with her is that she's really hot really hot oh kind of out of my league and i think i was like yeah no one's gonna tell you you smell bad honey

can i tell you exact same thing right exact same thing hot girl rubbing exact fucking sand no one's telling you this no one would ever say to you everyone wants to fuck everyone's dying dying they're dying i go a day and a half without wearing deodorant if i do i don't do it often but i'm saying if i do okay i know a day and a half okay i could never interesting that's what i'm saying though like i'm saying i'm saying pandemic pandemic pandemic well we're not leaving our house we're not leaving our house we're you know blah blah you start wearing acts you're in the middle of puberty you're like why do I feel an urge to buy some X? But I notice. You know, you're like,

you're literally like, oh God, fuck me. Like, I notice. So I'm like, I don't understand the thing of like not noticing. It doesn't make sense to me. Well, I think if you're really hot, you know, she was like, And you just get used to it. And you just get used to it.

And also maybe like, I don't know, women, like, I don't know, smell less bad. like maybe i could have got away with that back in the day totally not anymore you know like like but no but she stunk so that actually was oh my god it was brutal she did stink actually i go down on her just for a brush of breath of fresh air oh no absolutely that's well that's a good that's a natural that's supposed to be there yeah yeah that should be the that should be this yeah yeah just scoop it up and yeah a thousand percent oh yeah yeah all right so that has to stop organic deodorant and finally our last segment you better count your blessing uh russell let's start with you.

You got a blessing for us? Yeah, I didn't talk to her about sharing, so I'll be vague. But Nicole's been having like a medical thing that's not like a serious, well, it's serious, but it's not serious. I don't know how to talk about this.

I don't know why I'm sharing this. I'm going down a thing. Anyways. Is she okay? No, she's great. She's great. Nicole's my wife. His wife.

But she basically for a long time was like, I think something's up. But doctors were like, no, no, no, no, no, no. But I think something's up. And finally got like, had to kind of really advocate for like, something's going on here. Nothing serious, but like in a way of like just levels of of things and and uh and now like is feeling better already and like uh good yeah you know so uh it's a thyroid thing i don't know why i was being so weird about it sure but like i also didn't talk to her about sharing this so uh that's why i'm being weird about it if you call me and say oh my god i i

hope she says that i will murder you i know i will murder i know and it will sound so much worse that it's like right because i'll keep it you know what i mean like what is going on just before you say blur it like um anyways so she's feeling better already able to like um and uh but it's been bothering for a while just like and then being like i think you know nothing's going on and then finally. Just like them being like, I think, you know, nothing's going on. And then finally they were like, oh, yeah, something's going on. So, yeah. Anyways.

I guess my blessing will be I was in Los Angeles and I was staying with my mom. And I should have said it when she was in the other room because it's a sweet thing. And especially since I talked a little shit about her at the beginning. Mom was very sweet when I'm in L. room because it's a sweet thing and especially since i talked a little shit about her at the beginning yeah uh mom was very sweet when i'm in la i had a short dynasty typewriter mom got a lot of people to go oh a lot of people to go and i guess a lot of ex-boyfriends a lot of ex-boyfriends like a lot all the ex-boyfriends i was like rich 70 year olds in the front row. And she even,

apparently like there was like someone next to her. Like my mom did not like where, where every time I talked about her on stage, cause I talk about her a lot. Yeah. This, this person be like, Oh, she was like,

she was like, please leave me alone. Yeah. If I recall, she really does a good job of like playing it. Like, yeah. Yeah.

Like I told the hostess, I always do. I'm like, don't reveal my mom's there because then people get weird about these jokes because they're very cruel. Yes. And my mom likes the mean, mean.

Oh, that's nice. Oh, she sounds like a G. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Uh,

the one she, this was a new one where I think I talked about the podcast where I, my mom told me, she said she, she's never felt, uh, the experience of joy. And I was,

I said, Oh, well, like I was saying, and she really likes that but that's that that is uh that is from real life and um uh she takes care of me food she's very good about like food and comfort like that's where my mom is excellent she makes me feel comfortable and she would go with me and she took me some of these la shows are so bad and she would drive me fucking an hour to the worst show you've ever seen in your entire life yeah and sit there and not make any kind of comment not go

like that was a waste just very cool yeah that i'm very grateful for you mama i love you yes next time you see tova say what a beauty i love these sweatpants um i know tova yes yes well because i had a meeting with her one time. Yeah. And I was like, hello, now your boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was getting a lot of likes on my tweets from you then

and I was like, oh, something's up, something's up. I'm supposed to grease the wheel over here. Exactly. I was like, you were supposed to actually put in work for me.

You didn't. So, you know. It is funny. I don't have a single lick of power in terms of that. Oh, yeah. She seems very independent. People do. They will book me on shows they say hey tell your girlfriend no really oh my god yeah stop it's never like a show where i'm like it's it's a show i could have gotten on my

own okay it's never like the the coolest makes it worse it worse somehow. That makes it worse somehow. No, it is weirder. It's weirder. I think also. If it was like the best, coolest show ever. There's no way to like, there's no way you like, there's no way that you, that comes across in a, like it's very, that's very weird. Yeah. I'm also just like, you understand that when I leave, she leaves with me. She's not staying to watch the show.

Yeah. Yeah. And I will always be sympathetic because i feel like the people a lot of times the people who ask beyond what they should are not capable of knowing it's inappropriate so i feel a sympathy it's a degree of like you're mentally not fully there and so i shouldn't be upset about all the times in your life that you've asked an inappropriate thing. When I first moved to New York,

I met someone who went to my high school who was the theater kid above me. And she had a voiceover agent at Paradigm. And of course I asked as a new person, I said, how did you get that agent? And so I understand when people ask me, I mean, you get tired of it, but I understand when someone says, how do you you get in there and you're like why yeah you're like just be in it for

a little be in it for a little it'll take time and you'll figure it out and i don't know the answer for you yeah i think also like asking someone like how did you get into that like that you can do that innocent someone from some kid that i didn't really know in high school is graduating now reach out like how did you get into like ask me very polite like i don't know what i'm doing questions until nice like okay i'm gonna respond like you're even i if someone nice guy yeah so if i have a question for someone and they announce like hey i did this thing yeah i will this is really slimy i guess or nice where i say congrats and i might even put in a reminder in my calendar for three months later saying go ahead and inquire about this.

I don't know if that's slimy as much as it's networking, which feels slimy. Yeah, but it's networking. It's tactful. Yeah. It's tactful. You just said a thing. This is your moment. Enjoy the thing.

Months from now, I'll say, hey, if you wouldn't mind. Yeah. Yeah. No, you've got a good brain for it. I'm not. I don't have. I have bad. I'll say hey if you wouldn't mind yeah yeah no you're you got a good brain for it I'm not I don't have I have bad I lucked out with my management because my how did you get with three arts

yeah I think that's a joke I'm assuming I don't know if you yeah yeah yeah I'm with I'm with I'm with Brillstein yeah yeah yeah I didn't know if you I it. I don't know if you, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with Brillstein. I'm with Brillstein. Oh, you're with Brillstein. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know if you, I was like,

I don't know if this is that three arts. Yeah, yeah. Because a lot of Twitter people are with three arts, right? Is that? Yeah. There's three managers. They have all the power

and it's a horrible monopoly that shouldn't exist. Okay, okay. Well, we'll bleep this out. Yeah. I love my people. It's great. I think my boss

at my first TV thing, I think I wrote a bunch of shit in the pandemic and some of it was not bad. And she liked it and hired me. And then he just, I think I just got lucky. I don't think that anybody is, this is also something, my biggest issue with this whole,

you have to think that you're the best to make it thing is i'm like i actually think that that's a really ridiculous like i this is my long-winded way of saying like i got lucky everyone gets lucky i think there are plenty of hilarious people i think i'm funny i think lots of people are funny who don't whatever and it's all kind of a clusterfuck at the end of the day you should just kind of be like nice and not an asshole and like write something that's funny and like send um and yeah i so i feel like i missed a lot of this like uh really stressed like i do who are you you know yeah yeah one time yes it's brutal he just dm me he just dm me oh and i happen to be like i'm working here and then he read my stuff he was like i liked it and like it just happened to work yeah Yeah. Yeah. One time I went to a meeting and, and I got there and it was a Friday and they,

it was pizza party Friday that this, these, this management company was having and their heads were, when I tell you that pizza party happening was, was they were most excited. And it was like, I walked in the door and then the pizzas got delivered and I could feel this woman looking over my head like while i was talking to her at the pizzas behind it and it was also someone's going away party it was like someone was leaving the management company

and it was like i just i there's been not so many but a handful of those meetings and they're always so funny because i'm like i don't i it's oh god but i just think of that meeting just being like i want to be like you don't want me here today there's no i don't know why why did you schedule this on pizza party friday and this person's going away party like i was just trying to talk and she was just like looking over oh man yeah i just feel like i can't give good. I said to this kid, if my eyes, I was like, I don't know.

I feel like I can't get, I'm getting a manager. I think that I don't know, like, I don't know what advice to give. No, there's nothing. There's nothing to do.

Like just do, just do stuff and don't be a dick. Yeah. But also I guess I know some dicks with managers. Yeah. So I'm like, yeah. And then do you have a blessing to see us off? Um, a blessing to see us off. I guess I know some dicks with managers. Yeah. So I'm like, uh, yeah.

And then do you have a blessing to see us off? Um, a blessing to see us off our father who are, I'm kidding. Um, that was like my Catholic, Jesus, you'd be the first, my Catholic,

my Catholic boy upbringing. That was like a, it was like instinct. So you evoked to me deep within me. It was like, like that was all the Sundays in mass. Um, that's the opposite of what I'm grateful for. That's downside uh what i'm grateful for uh i i you know for all my um i was gonna do something poetic i was like well you know the what has to stop is twitter discourse and what i'm grateful for are some of the collaborative

partners i've made on twitter uh yeah i feel like've made some fun friends on there and one of them we're gonna we're doing a you know Dan White? I do. He's funny. Chicago. Yeah, he's hilarious. I've never met him. He is. He wrote me once saying something nice and he's now my best friend. He's so funny. He is so

fucking funny and we started doing this little impromptu ad libs on each other's tweets, like pretending that we were, um, like pen pal pen pals was less random. And I was like, Oh, you're so you're just as you're the same kind of weird as me.

So we have a project that we're working on together. And, um, I was like, you know, this is, this is cool. And,

uh, he's cool. That's also because they say on this thing to plug a project. I don't have a project. Go follow that guy. He's funny. Dan White. Dan White.

Follow him. Follow me, I guess. Yeah. I don't care. Fuck you. So, Russell, this is coming out on April 19th. Do you know what the Uncle Function show is yet? I don't know.

It's in May. Well, there's one. No, there's the one the day before. But don't. I'm not gonna plug that one. But, well, yeah, it wouldn't make sense. But anyways, there's one. No, there's the one the day before, but I'm not going to plug that one. Well, yeah, it wouldn't make sense. Anyways, there's one in May. The second Friday in May,

whenever that date is, Uncle Function at Asylum NYC. All right, guys. I need to take these plugs more seriously because I had to cancel a Funny Bone Syracuse show because I did not sell enough tickets, but it was a Thursday and it was in Syracuse, so it's okay. But it's not uh but it's

not guys uh so i'm gonna take this seriously april 22nd and 23rd i'm at wise guys comedy club in jordan's landing utah hope we got a lot of utah listeners uh uh april 28th through the 30th i'm at the loony bin in oklahoma city and by the way i know you're listening to this sometimes you're like i don't fucking live in oklahoma city you know someone there so send it to them yeah or move yeah um i i then will be uh we have my my monthly show uh the silver lining where you get to see me do an hour with two stand-up comics in between that's may 1st it's the first sunday of every month the next two are may 1st and may i'm sorry may 1st and June 5th. And if we start getting enough people there,

especially you Downsiders, Debbie Downsiders, we are going to start doing a live podcast before at 2. So come on out. It's the first, Russell, don't pretend like we haven't talked. Don't worry about it. We're not there yet. First Sunday of every month at Sesh Comedy Club. Tickets are literally $5.

It will be in the show notes. So check it out. Join the text list, the mailing list. But just especially come to that silver lining because it's going to be the new workout space in New York City. Oh. And Dan White, follow you on Twitter. What's your handle? Christopher Thomas.

It's my name. Christopher Thomas. It's just my name. No spaces, no caps. But with an F. Yeah, with an F. I an f with an n i kept saying f and everyone kept making a ph and i'm like guys i'm not you're like that's transphobic quite frankly well i just hit that uh yeah i wrote a long apology tweet and sorry for changing the f

to the p and then you sent me the screenshots and i'm now blasted it's a whole thing yeah k k uh k r i s t o f e r and to that barista at starbucks i want you to fucking know i said can i use the stars i said can i use the stars there's no way i would ever get a chai latte with four shots of espresso without asking for it i see you and there's no way she'll ever end up in a union and you know there's no way she's ever gonna end up happy either because of the lie she told so this is the downside.