The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #83 Never Said I Love You with Zarna Garg

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

Stand-up comedian Zarna Garg gives tips on how to lie to your Uber driver and admits that she’s never said “I love you” to her husband. She also shares the downsides of growing up in India, being radicalized by Archie comics and bootleg episodes of Good Times, losing your mother at 14 and immediately having your father try to marry you off, running away and having to develop a sense of humor so her friends parents would want to house her, having a daughter who’s majoring in ceramics, how white people ruined yoga, and whether she should have gone with the arranged marriage.  You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Follow Zarna Garg on Instagram and Twitter Get tickets to see Zarna in a city near you Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's monthly show in NYC (first Sunday of every month) Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello! Welcome to The Downside. My name is Joe Marcos-Arezzi. I'm joined by my co-host. Russell Daniels. Do I normally say Russell Daniels? Yeah, you usually say it. Okay. Not anymore. No, let's throw it. I forgot for a second. I like that, yeah.

And we're joined today by comedian, writer, star, and fellow innovative client. We're with the same agency. Please welcome Sarna Garg. Namaste. Thank you so much for having me. I cannot wait to get started. Okay, well, this is the downside. So we need something negative to kick off this music.

No problem there. Do you want me to say something negative? My whole life, I can like start streaming a whole stream of negativity. How much do you want? One something really, really, something really

that will bum us out real quick. Yeah, you know, people saying like you should be a good human being, like that's been the thing, has not really seemed to be working.

This is the downside. One, two, three. Downside. Downside. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Ceresi. I agree with you.

It's a sad day. We were recording this a little bit earlier before the release. Elon Musk just bought Twitter. Oh, yeah. I'm feeling kind of down about it. Did it happen? It did happen. Great.

This is what happens when you take the New York City subway. Yeah. You miss the news. You miss world news. Yeah, I miss that too. You come over here, oh, Elon Musk is now president of the United States. Fuck. My train was delayed 10 minutes and everything changed.

I don't know. You know, it's not surprising. So you're getting off of it, right? Oh, yeah. You know me. I'm moving to Canada, Twitter. right oh yeah you know me i'm i'm i'm moving to canada twitter uh it's it's uh well we'll see what what happens you know trump's gonna go back on definitely it's more i just read something more of like well he's going back on that happened too i'm just no no i'm just sure that's like one of

elon musk like first thing because he's all i read i basically read some some thread from a guy who used to run reddit and it was just like him being like this idea of like just being pro-free speech with the internet is – it's an infantile notion. It's the same way with like Facebook. It's like you could be pro-free speech and then like look at Myanmar, which is now – people who survive in Myanmar are suing Facebook for $150 billion because they showed that they had hate speech groups and encouraged genocide. It's like the idea of like, guys, just let people say what they want to say is an oversimplification of like the damage

these apps can do, not just to individuals, but clearly to fuel genocide. Also, you can still say what you want to say on the internet, the wide internet. You can start your own blog. You can do say what you want to say on the internet, the wide internet. You can start your own blog. You can do your own thing. But it is like an organization or a business can decide if they don't want you to say that on their thing. Of course.

Especially if it's free. In Elon Musk's last tweet, or like two days ago, it was a picture of Bill Gates with a little bit of a gut. And it was like, here's a boner killer if you need it. And you're like, that's the head. And we shouldn't be surprised look billionaires have been taking over newspapers you know since since the beginning of america yeah but it's just it feels deflating it feels and he's going to be president someday and i don't know it just let him because no it's not like the others have done such a stellar job. Sure.

Like, you know, whatever. Whoever wants the job, take it at this point. I think someone posted a clip and it was back from 2020 and it was the press conference where Trump was talking to like his head of science and was like, you know,

maybe we could shine the purple light inside the body to kill the COVID. We're looking at that? Yes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's a moment of like, this, how can anyone stand for the national anthem at this point?

It's so, like that's the insanity of, it's not just, yeah, the president sucked, the government sucks. It's just like, this is the president and he doesn't understand anything during a crisis yes but i know this the downside but i'm going to turn this into a positive for one minute okay yeah when you have a president like that do you know how much hope he generates in the whole population like maybe i can be president you know i like i like that that was labeled as a positive thing.

You're like, think of all the losers out there. Maybe I could do it. He has become the benchmark on don't let anything stop you. Yeah, but that's not a good thing. That's a bad thing. I don't know anymore because the world, like, look at, listen, you know, but the Ivy League graduates and all have been running the world look where we are sure sure but we're still alive to be fair we're still here

hanging by a thread hanging by a thread hanging by a thread now you were you're you were born in india i was born how's india's political such do you keep do you keep in touch are you like i'm not there no every day i start the news with the Indian newspaper. Really? Every day. Of course. It's my home. I mean, it's not really my home. I'm not going back, like, to be clear. But it's like, yeah, it's what I'm used to.

I was born and raised there. I was there until I was 16, so. Sure. But isn't part of it, like, are you able to watch it with, like, amusement? Like, if I left America, I think I would be like, oh, Elonk is president and he made himself vice president oh what a mess what a mess oh america you suck like do you do you look at it or do you feel passionate you go oh fuck the guy i feel passionate but i understand that i don't have the right to comment much because i'm not living there because a lot of indian people get very worked up when the immigrants from abroad are like, you do this and you do this.

They're like, shut up. You left. And I get it. I get that message. So I'm amused. I read it out of concern and care. But that's about it. I have nothing.

Because if you're not on the ground living that reality, you don't really know what's going on. Just like how much news about New York and America. You read the news and you're like, what are they saying? It's like how much news about New York and America. You read the news and you're like, what do they say? I'll tell you, I had this moment where when we were doing the outdoor shows or whenever I read a stand-up comedy, the New York Times will talk about the stand-up comedy scenes sometimes. And I remember when you read it, you're like, this is so inaccurate.

Like they're just broad generalizations and you're like, oh, well, there's no way the news about Yemen is more accurate. Like I understand they have more people on the ground there, but it's just like, oh, if you being literally the New York Times and you're talking about the New York comedy scene and you like say these wrong things. I remember there was a review of a play once at the Flea Theater and they talked about they have a lot of casting agents there. And I was like, casting agents? They're called casting directors. No one says casting agents. How did this get through? So I understand how you get older and you become like,

that's all bullshit. You came in last minute. Are you okay? Everything good? Yeah, I came at 3.31 and you didn't answer the call. I didn't mean it as a critique. I didn't mean it as a critique. I didn't mean it as a critique. I meant like,

is there anything you want to share? You're like, surely something must be wrong that you're this late. Russell had a birthday. Oh yeah. Happy birthday. And I completely spoiled the, it was supposed to be a surprise. And I don't think of myself as like a,

can't keep a secret guy. Oh yeah. But I had a thing with Russell where I was like, hey, just so you know. Oh my God. I called your wife. So I just wanted to like work this

thing out before I saw her on Wednesday and Russell went what's Wednesday and I you should have seen his face I was so kind to him I didn't let on that I knew he didn't let on that I fucked it up at all when I said what's Wednesday he goes

oh uh no not Wednesday tonight tonight I was oh, no, not Wednesday. Tonight. Tonight. I was like, well, you're not seeing Nicole tonight. And I was like, wait, Nicole's not coming to the show. She would definitely never come to at the asylum in New York. Because Tova, it was the worst.

And it felt like, what I felt inside, I would have been like this. What is so funny. Yeah, that's what it was like. And then what was really funny is that I got home and I mentioned something to Nicole about you and Nicole said uh oh yeah but when I see him on Wednesday and she did the same thing and I go I go wait I go then she goes no not Wednesday uh you know like, literally the same thing. And I go, okay, so obviously you invited some people Wednesday. That's, like, and she goes, no, no, no, no, no. I just was confused.

And she tried to really play it off that, no. And I was like, in the back of my head, I was like, there's no way I'm not going to see Joe Marco Wednesday. Like, but it was very. Were you bummed? Do you wish it had been a full surprise? No. The thing is, I was always casually. I always thought I would see some people.

I had mentioned it to people that, friends that live right next to the place. So I was, I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't think I'd see like Jessica

and like other people. Like Tim and, like there was a number of people I didn't think I was going to see that I saw. That was very nice. I mean,

a good surprise would be. It wasn't like, it wasn't like, you know, it's not, it's the best version of a surprise party that you can ruin. Because it's not like a huge, big, big thing. So the one thing I want to complain about, and I feel like you know this, where...

So I was just in Utah. I was at Wise Guys Comedy Club, great club. I cannot keep telling Uber drivers in New York and Lyft drivers in New York. They don't really talk to you. No. And I think it's because they're busier. They understand. They're usually on the rush.

They're usually on the phone. Yeah. They're playing word. I want to say something about that. There is a thing that happens where it must be part of the uber culture or like our taxi culture like there is something that happens where you're like who in my mind i'm like who would you be on the phone with all day but it must be other drivers right is in my in my mind i imagine because the conversation sometimes it's so like it stops for 10 minutes and then they'll they'll say something and you're

like oh my god like who is talking to me like so it has to be like almost like a i envision it like a radio a walkie talkie like a like a like there's like multiple people in a like a a talking room yeah and like you occasionally weigh in and stuff because it's like it's it's amazing but i'm like i can't imagine being on the phone with with someone that well and engaging in the way that they engage in but but i don't think they're like, I think it's more like old married couples. It's like the phone is kind of in the background

and it's happening, but it's like, if I'm in the room with my husband, we don't really talk and then an hour goes by and I yell about something and I think it feels to me

like that's what's going on. Both people have speakers on and they talk or they don't talk, but they feel like they're connected. Like, speakers on uh-huh and they talk or they don't talk but they feel like they're connected like you know something happens and they're like oh hey the kid just came in so the the driver's like oh hello yeah i just think it's amazing when you don't know and then like 10-15 minutes into your drive oh he's on there he's on the phone yeah um well that's the new reality though across the across the board. Like, right, wherever you go, you never know where a camera is going to be on.

Sure. I mean, I have kids. They do, everything they do is on the computer. They get gaming on the computer. Every laptop has a screen. It's wild. You're not unseen anywhere anymore. Yeah.

That's Travis Kalachnik. Whoever ran Uber, he, like, one of the final nails in his coffin. It was something like him with like two like 19 year olds in the back seat and he was yelling. He was fighting with the Uber driver. The Uber driver was complaining about like, why don't you pay us? And Trevor was like, fuck you.

Oh God. So yeah, the New York ones though, they don't talk to you. They're doing their own thing. They're like literally talking to their fans. So I'm on the road and I'm usually taking Uber Lyfts to the comedy club. I don't talk to you they're doing their own thing they're like literally talking to their so i'm on the road and uh i i'm usually taking uber lifts to the comedy club i don't like to lie it's something in me of gets this is why i can never do like man on the street or like hitting camera stuff it makes me uncomfortable to lie but i cannot tell these people anymore that i'm a

stand-up comedian yeah i can't do it anymore you gotta stop it i can't do it and every time i say to myself i'm not gonna do it and then they're driving me to the comedy club and they go who are you seeing at the comedy club and I go in my head I'm like I'm just gonna tell them but I'm gonna tell them in a way where I'm looking at my phone so intensely so intensely they must think

oh he doesn't want to talk and the conversation is the same every time. How did you get into it? Wow, is that scary? You tell jokes. And then it's usually the men.

It's the first time I've ever wanted a woman driver. Yeah. Okay, okay. Where it's the men and three different Uber drivers have said, you know, I saw Jerry Seinfeld said this thing. We're like, Jerry Seinfeld gives comedy advice and no comedians are listening to it. It's non comedians who are like, hmm, interesting. I'm going to share that with a comedian someday in the backseat of my car.

Seinfeld said it's important to write. Yeah. Hmm. Interesting. Thank you for that. Thanks, Seinfeld. yeah interesting thank you for that thanks seinfeld have you thought about just like launching proactively like before right in the beginning of the conversation just telling what you do why you do it like how you got started like just like i'm a stand-up comedian

yes it's scary what's scarier is that you're gonna ask me the next question i and so i tried like the furthest lie as we were going to the club here's the problem is that they have my name yeah if they didn't have my name i would say for a moment i was going to do this i was gonna be like oh i'm going to see joe marco my favorite so on the way there i said oh i'm i'm uh i said i'm the assistant to the comedian that was the furthest lie I was able to make because I was like, okay, I can answer any tangential questions.

But then they said, oh, is this comedian funny? Are they famous? And I was just like, and I was ready to say your name that I'm going to see Russell Daniels. Oh my God. But then I'm nervous we'll get to the club and it'll say Jarmarcus Araizi on the front.

And there'll be- Wait, the assistant to the comedian is not a job. And I mean like for a stand-up comedian at like. Okay. So you say to me. Okay. Oh, you're going to Wise Guys Comedy Club. Who are you seeing?

I'm not sure. Just looking for a night of comedy. Just. You don't have to get it. Okay. Where are you from? Okay. Okay. Where are you from? You, okay, where are you from?

You live around here in Salt Lake City? No, I live out in the east. You live out east? Mm-hmm. So what were you coming here for? Just a night of comedy. Really? You came all the way to Utah for a night? I'm here for business, but I have the night off, so I'll just...

So what business do you do? Thank you. I'm a salesman. What do you sell? Insurance. Hmm. Have you ever gone where the Uber brings their wife along with them to ask questions as well? I think insurance salesman is a good lie because I don't imagine there's that many.

What kind of insurance? You know. Is there money in that? You know, it's fine. So why don't you drive an Uber? It's good money in Uber. I just like the hours of insurance. 9 to 5. I'm home. See the kids. You can drive an Uber 9 to 5.

It's very flexible. Does this employee get a referral code for getting people to drive for Uber? But the bottom line is like... Well, I don't know what you can say to not encourage conversation if you're you know. Yeah, it's just like every time I think like, no, this time it'll be okay and and and sometimes they won't and obviously this is someone who like doesn't have in these cases they're people who don't have people skills because i'm

in the back i'm either like yeah and when i'm like this leave me alone and you're like so what is your comedy about i'm like how and i get this anxiety yeah because i don't have the strength to say hey i don't feel like talking yeah and i feel like a good person or a strong person could say that yeah and i just can't um no i know uh yeah i think i i try the thing of like just you're in town and you wanted to catch some comedy yeah Yeah, I will try that. Yeah. I'm not sure who's on tonight. Do you tell? Could you imagine getting into an Uber looking like this and saying you're a comedian?

It's like, can you come for my daughter's graduation? Can you get my license? Because half the drivers, especially in New York, they're all Indian. It's the only tech company, by the way, where the Indian people are at the bottom, which is why the math is never right. Sure. Like, three minutes away? No. You you know what i mean you really haven't figured out three minutes but it's always across the street and always 15 minutes away yeah but they look so i used to even venture saying oh i do i do events i do i do event planning like i used to,

now I just say I'm hard of hearing. I can't hear what you're saying. Really? I just do. I mean, I don't know what to do because I've had aggressive taxi drivers go, so can you come for my daughter's graduation? Can you perform for 10 minutes? And I'm like, no.

They try to book you right then and there? No, but not book. Come for free. No one's booking anything like they think well why can't she come what is she doing she's probably related to us yeah oh that is wild

so now I'm like I can't hear you after the third time they get irritated yeah well okay I'm going to try both these things I'm going to try hard of hearing and I'm going to try I'm an insurance both these things I'm gonna try hard of hearing yeah and I'm gonna try I'm an insurance salesman I think insurance salesman

is a good one to kill conversation yeah because it's like what could you what that's what I my

I feel like it doesn't like I would have more questions for an Uber driver than I would for an insurance salesman do you know what I mean sure like because they at least have interesting stories about Uber driver hey you ever get any insurance salesman passages Do you know what I mean? Sure, sure. Because they at least have interesting stories

about Uber. Uber try to be like, hey, you ever get any insurance salesman passengers? You ever have a comedian passenger? Anyone famous? So I just feel like it's like, I feel like insurance salesman feels like the most like, okay, this guy's probably boring.

You know what I mean? No offense to any insurance salesman listening, but I just feel like it wouldn't instill a lot of follow-ups. Well, we found out that the whole base was insurance sales. But they might ask questions, too. Then they might be like, oh, I don't have an health insurance. And then you'll feel really bad. Sure, sure. Because that would be bad to like.

I wish there was an option of just like. You could select. Or busy or working or shy. So, I mean, can I flex a little bit? Please. We haven't had a car, my husband and I, for years in New York City.

So I've been living on Uber, you know, to drop my kids off here, there, wherever. It's a lot of like this thing, that thing. So I'm an Uber Diamond member, whatever that means.

Really? Wow. I have an option that says quiet preferred. No! You can only do that if you're Uber Diamond? I don't know why I got it but i got it quiet

preferred you selected every time every time i'm like quiet only please not preferred only no talking to man i am so curious do you are you like do you have to pay a membership fee no no no you just took so many ubers it's you take, I have three kids who are taking Ubers. The husband, who's not allowed to take Ubers, but he sneaks one in every now and again. You know,

because we live the poor life. Wait, what do you mean? What does he not allow to take Ubers? Look, he can't spend that kind of money. Like, no. Sure. It's gotta be tough.

The kids are Ubering. Dad, you can't take one. His job is to earn the money. My job is to spend it. Gotcha. I got it. Just see how that works sure yeah he's like ask the kids can you take an uber i'll do a skateboard i'll hang on to the

exactly no but you know what i mean like years we haven't had a car like anytime you go to the airport that stuff adds up right i don't even know how i became uber diamond it must be something i triggered but that came with a quiet preferred option that's amazing i mean i'm gonna look into it so hardcore i can't lose this um well i i wanted to i'm so happy you're here um uh but one thing i really wanted to because i always think about it when i see you tell jokes about it you really never told your husband I love you? No, I would never. I would never, wow. No, no, no, we don't, that's not a cultural, no.

Okay, who have you said, have you said I love you to your kids? No. Never? No. Never, Zarna? Never. Never?

No. And if I, like, if you gave me an acting role and said act it out with my husband or kids, I couldn't do it. It's bizarre to us. Do you have the word love in the Indian language? Yeah. So what does it use? But we don't use it for us.

Just for food? Food. Food? Food. Food. Food. What's the highest term of affection when you tuck your kids in at night? I like you.

No, you... I like you. Okay, dreams. Listen. Sleep. You sleep for three hours. And then get up and study for the MCAT. I will make chai for you.

That's the term of India. I will wake up at 4 a.m. and make chai for you while you study for the mcads and but that that that feeling of making the chai isn't it because you love them no there is a lot of love it's not like the love isn't there the love is there we just don't say i love you and that's not how we did yeah now do your kids because your kids were born in america yeah do they feel differently? Do they ever say, Mom, please say I love you? No, I'm sure they have some feelings about this, but they're not allowed to get into those feelings. That's the other thing they're not allowed to do. See, I wish my mom was Indian so she had an excuse for why she's never said it to me.

But I, if, they must say it too i like so they say it to me sometimes and then i start yelling at them you become american now and they're like but we are american they were all born in new york i'm like you have to forget that you're an indian american i try so hard to keep them grounded in my indian madness and they do everything they can to remind me they're actually American kids uh-huh you know so this is a constant battle between us do you think you'd ever because we say love you yeah we say love you yeah Tova and I say love you took it took a year I mean there's an argument I'm very slow listen I I'm, there's an argument to be made. I'm very slow. Listen, I'm halfway there. When it comes to love, I like to, I don't like how it's too much.

Too much. I used to have a bit. I ended up cutting it. I had this in my play. And this is how the culture shifted. It was like before I was doing stand-up, I was just kind of writing stand-up within a play. And it was about how much I hated when you brought someone a coffee and they'd be like, love you. And you feel like you have to say it back.

And in this stand up, I said, it's like being love raped. Oh, my God. And then the culture, like a couple years later, a director was like, let's cut that line. I think we don't use that word anymore in a joking manner. But it was like being love raped. Yeah, people can use the term can get definitely get overused. There's a middle ground. Well, I mean, social media, I get overused. There's probably a middle ground. Well, I mean, social media.

I get a lot. I love you. I'm like, who needs love? I need likes. Don't say I love you. Follow me. Bring your friends. Bring your family.

That's what I need. When Facebook added that hard option to love, you're like, no. No. What is this? No. What is all these feelings? I mean, I believe that the whole it's complicated thing was designed for us indian people were like we're not really i don't know love that's a lot yeah so it's complicated with your husband wow that's very very interesting

uh i didn't i didn't realize that that was a cultural thing um and i've heard you say indians and jews yeah we have a lot in common. So much. Russell doesn't like us both. Okay. But, okay, so you were born in India. Yeah. And you were born to money. Money, yeah. Yeah, and then I found a way to lose it all. I call my life the social sliding life.

Wow. You know, people social climb, I slide. Wow. I find a way to like yeah hit rock bottom every time i get something good happens and in india you i've heard you talk about this there was not really a middle class in india i mean there is but it's not you know it's a big country right a lot of people like big is there any rags to riches story in india or is it less than america you can't compare to america america is that is the the landmark for rags to riches like if you

want to work hard you're gonna make something happen here yeah 99 of that you're that tall the poor people listening to this right now you're not working hard enough um see kim kardashian she figured it out she started off pretty living in Beverly Hills her family I think we were joking

oh yeah yeah that was a joke example okay it's not like she had a custom roll choice at birth like relax already

with like picking on Kim it was poor it was like she had to buy a car like other people do in India did you ever was there ever any fear

when you were younger I understand that you talk about later but like that you would ever become poor or did you feel secure I'm always gonna be

part of this I thought I was gonna be a part of this and then I found a way to become poor yeah but what happened were you had servants lots of servants drivers but that's india even the middle class in india will have servants

and drivers because it's the number of people that need to be employed it's so great and india lives on like domestic help that's how the whole country what did your family do that they had that much money so my dad had a business and he is a rags to riches story he was was he's not alive anymore but he was he came from nothing built a business was very successful um what was his business like you know he was making the equipment that spins cotton into yarn yeah like all this manufacturing like hardcore goes on in india you know all the clothes that we wear all the machines that make those clothes are made in india he was part of that business and 40 years ago so he built his life but he was an indian man you know

like very conservative very you know believe what he believed i was the youngest of four. Three of my siblings were arranged into marriage by him. And I was the only one who grew up. See, this is what affluence does in the rest of the world. You start watching Hollywood wherever you are. You have access to Archie's comics. You have access to Three's Company. Come and knock on my door. You know what I mean?

I don't know if I've ever seen Three's Company. You've never watched Three's Company come and knock on my door you know what I mean I I don't know if I've ever seen Three's Company you've never watched Three's Company I've never seen an episode but I know the reference yeah yeah yeah yeah

what year was that the most popular wait Growing Pains Family Ties I saw Growing Pains I know a little bit of these shows but it's a little

before my TV time yeah no I grew up watching that stuff in india okay because when you're that rich you get bootleg copies of everything and it was bootlegs it's not on tv anywhere no no no tv it was like bootleg vcr you know you had to like pay a guy to bring the thing and bring the thing and then was the quality good or was the quality shitty it was the worst somebody was sitting and recording a copy out of their TV here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing about it was real. But you were so desperate for the story that you were like, you'll watch anything. Like the thing broke up. You prayed to God that the whole episode was recorded. Sure. It was a whole thing. But the thing I lived on was Archie's comics. You got those all over the place.

I've read a little bit of Archie's. Have you ever read Archie's comics? No. They're kind of place. I've read a little bit of Archie's. Have you ever read Archie's comics? They're kind of fun. They're so, oh my God. That was America for me growing up. Okay. And in Archie's, you know, like no one was getting married at 16. Like everybody was dating and people were kissing each other.

And I was like, wait a minute. Why don't I have this thing? Now, so how old were your siblings when they were married off? Like my sister was 17 my brothers were like 19 20 and because i've been witnessing some of this because my my girlfriend uh uh orthodox khabad community and her younger sister is the one who's still like really practicing so i've seen i think we've talked about it where her resume essentially yeah that the rabbi gets.

And it's eerily similar to an acting resume. There's the education. And so in India, it's like, you're a matchmaker. Is that like a job? Yeah, absolutely. Full-on profession. Full-on. And real professionals do it.

It's like they take their job very seriously. More men or more women? Mostly men. But because it's a more social their job very seriously. More men or more women? Mostly men. But because it's a more social job, women are involved somehow. Like, even if they're not the matchmaker, they're like the matchmaker's mole. Sure. You know, whose job it is to go out into the community and seek out the new eligible people or what the buzz is about.

Like, oh, is she smart? Can she cook? And whose input... First first does cooking matter though if there's all these if there's all these servants it matters because it's an indication of how domesticated the woman is got it got it they don't actually cook the worst she can read read don't read don't read don't read no no reading that's a problem that's where all the problems start when the women start reading yeah so so did you start so what age would did they did you have a meeting with the matchmaker no no it didn't okay so it wasn't planned to be

that way my mom actually passed suddenly, unexpectedly. And how old were you? I was just under 15. And she got sick and passed within two weeks. Wow. What happened? So she contracted hepatitis from contaminated water. Contaminated water? Yeah.

Is this common? it was common back then and and if you didn't catch it in time it was fatal had it been caught she would have probably lived but it wasn't caught in time is it like did she feel sick and didn't go to the doctor exactly she was getting ready for my brother's wedding and she was busy with the wedding preparation so she lost herself kind of in that and by the time she realized it was she was oh my goodness and yeah what so you're before 15 you said yeah and do you remember i mean that's so sudden like was it just like she went to the hospital one day and didn't come and didn't come back and it was like shocking and also india it's like no one talks to the kids like here you talk to your kids how do you talk to your kids here they make movies for the kids tv for the kids there's none of that in india

everything is like grown-up stuff and like the kids find out the way they find out yeah so i was like i didn't even know that she was gonna to die. Like, no one told me. I was the youngest and the adults were all busy managing this sudden situation. So I was at home every day wondering when she's going to come back. Do you remember who told you? Yeah. I mean, in the end, it was my sister who was visiting from America. My adult sister at the time, much older than me.

Was it delivered with the weight that it deserved like did she say no no and it's she just was like hey well she was in shock too sure she was in shock too and again the whole you know how we talk to kids here in America like how are they gonna take it yeah let's easy. There's none of that back home. Like, this is the news. Yeah. Yeah. That's it.

Were you comforted by, did you have religion then? I was never very religious. Sure. And I was too young. At the time, my biggest preoccupation was like, what am I going to do? I mean, I didn't realize that her death would then mean the next day my dad saying you know what you need to get married i'm done parenting oh my god yeah because he was he broke too like you know this is it he wasn't a bad guy he just the shock of something like that got all of us yeah and and he you know he was just tired i think he just broke and he's like

just it was so it's the next day the next day yeah i think he was in a state of shock too i mean honestly yeah yeah and was 14 you said your sister was married off 17 right 18 yeah so 14 was still like young was that young to do it it was very young but i think in his mind if we started the process at just about 15 we'll finish it at 16 17 it's still a process right finding the person and the whole thing but i was in my mind so against the whole thing because like in my mind i was living in archie's comic life yeah yeah why are we even talking about this like no yeah yeah now let me uh the what's the age of consent in india okay i've heard somewhere it's 18 but i don't think people are getting married it's assumed

that like yeah it's the consummation of the marriage, like, is that kind of implied in the same way it is in most places? Yeah, and I don't think anybody really knows. Maybe in the urban cities today, people know that there is an age of consent and all that. But certainly not 30, 40 years ago. I didn't know. Is the age generally around? So did you start going through the process at all no the match you didn't do any of it no i i so my dad basically said you should do this and at the time i said

no i'm not gonna do it and he's like you don't have a choice yeah either do it or you leave home and were you fighting do you go no were you yelling at your dad or were you just like because i'm gonna be i said fine i leave i in myold whatever brain, I thought, I'll just have a slumber party with my friends for a few years. And this really because, Archie, because you saw your family do it. Yeah. What do you think was different about you that you were like, no. I like to study. I love being educated.

Like, I love going to school. I was that kid who wanted to read like i couldn't get enough reading done so i knew there was a bigger world out there i was just not interested in that pathway ever and my siblings are happily married so that all turned out fine my dad had good intentions it's just not what i wanted do you have anyone to talk to about this like like any adult figure said like good for you you should be independent or did you have friends who felt similar like that they weren't gonna go that path either no no but and in fact most of my friends were like are you crazy he's gonna find you the best match yeah he wasn't gonna marry me off to some toothless

like 80 year old man he would have found like a rich son of somebody would it definitely be someone older like is that how it works yes like 20s or like 30s 20s maybe high 20s sure yeah 10 year spread is not uncommon at all in an arranged setting yeah which isn't unusual here yeah unless the wife is 14 yeah that's that's uh that's elvis yeah the last episode um so okay so you how soon after that do you leave and i left that day you left that day oh my goodness well the thing is he thought he he thought he's going to call my bluff. And I thought, what's there to worry about? I have so many friends.

Somebody will take me in. So it all started off kind of like, I'll figure it out. I'll stay with my best friend for two, three years. They have a big house. All my friends had big houses. Yeah. So I was like, they have so many rooms. I'm moving with them.

And then you you go and then within a day they're like my mom thinks you need to go back you know what i mean and then the reality hits like oh shit is your dad calling or is he like sending messages like sarna no he thought i'll come around for sure but he was too proud i mean see the believers who believe in that life they're not they're not messing around yeah they're not like they're not like oh she's understanding let me explain to her he had had it he thought already before my mom's death i was like reading too much too much voice had too many opinions i mean everything that i do on a comedy stage today i would have gotten killed for in india yeah the things that i say my biggest challenge as a comedian is removing

the roadblocks from my mind because for 40 years people said to me you can't say that sure and like suddenly it's my job now to say what comes to my mind so how much time like where where's the when you first so you i'm assuming you try out a few different friends places and you realize that there's this is not a sustainable thing where do you how much time passed and then where did you end up like as like a more permanent living so my sister at that point had gone was back in america because she lived here and she said to me that why don't't you, if you come to America, you can stay with me,

go to school, study as much as you want. So your sister's, I was going to say the word cool. She's very cool. But like, it's just, so she was no longer tied

financially to your father. No. She had her own. Oh, so she already went through like a, like a. She, yeah, she was married. She was arranged

she was living in america with the man that my dad arranged her yes is she still friendly with your father is the father going are you fucking taking his arna in like is there communication here so my dad has now passed but he cut her off too because she took me in oh that was the cut off yeah he cut her off he said did she know that that would happen she knew but she's really stood up for me wow she's like you can't force her see my siblings didn't fight it they were like we're fine with it this is how our world works we're good yeah i didn't want it actively so they my sister was my number one like you're not gonna force her to do anything she doesn't want to do so that was the end of her relationship with my dad too.

This is kind of a grand thing. It feels like, I don't know how you feel about arranged, because obviously your sister was in an arranged marriage and it seems to have worked out well. And other siblings. My parents picked. It was a disaster. So there's like, there is an American belief

where I'm like, arranged marriages, and I've matured from this, but I still think deep down. I'm like arranged marriages are bad because it's other people choosing for your life. But I understand that's coming from like in a very American worldview. Yeah. If you could wash away arranged marriages, would you say it should be done with? No, not at all. It works for people. It works for a lot of people.

Sometimes I'm jealous of my sister, I have to be honest with you. Like, she has a, honestly, she has a 15,000 square foot house, a private plane, and a dead mother-in-law. What did I do to my life? I built my own.

Yeah. A private plane and a dead mother-in-law. That's matchmaking. His mom is pretty sickly. Do you know what I got for Valentine's Day? A MetroCard. And a very sweet note that said,

don't take Ubers. Stop with the Ubers. Yeah. So, like, yeah, it works. But you think, you think people should be given the option

to participate in it or not? Absolutely. I mean, of course I'm against anybody being forced into it. But there are plenty of people who find value in that system. And like love marriage, like my kids,

I'm like, I'm going to arrange you guys. I don't trust them. They're already blinded. You're swiping on Tinder for them? You're like, give me your Tinder. I need like a Tinder for parents where we choose because my kids, you know,

they love, you know, how they say in America, love makes you blind. Like, no, we have the vision. Let us figure it out for you. Sure. Yeah. But you, okay, so you got to America. And I remember you, the way you got in, you wrote, you had to write someone. Yeah. So I didn't know how to get to america you know

coming to america not easy especially if you're an indian person because the amount of people that want to come here from india is like the line is unending i really thought it would be a simple thing my sister lives in america i had heard america is a democracy so whatever the people of america want the government does yeah in my highly oversimplified 15 year old brain i was like this can't be hard yeah she wants me to be there i want to go there sure and like this should just happen and then nothing and so while you're figuring out this process are you bouncing bouncing around houses still? Yeah, I was couch surfing. Were you terrified? Was there fear?

Was there fear of, oh, I'm going to be out on the street? I was out on the street a few times. I mean... Where did you... Did you ever stay somewhere sketchy? Like, you know, there are temples, bus stops. I mean, it's happened, yeah. And were you filled with fear?

I mean, given that, like like how bad poverty could be. You know, the thing is that when you're in survival mode, you don't have time to be scared. You're like, I was more scared of going back to my dad and accepting defeat. And I really was hopeful that tomorrow it's going to work out. Tomorrow it's going to work. You know, when you feel like victory is around the corner much like our lives as comedians chasing this dream yeah you know you

you you don't you don't let yourself feel too at least i didn't i was in pure survival mode so you're getting were you getting food when you're when you're i mean were you making any money or no no money but i had like that stuff was easy to navigate because all my friends were so rich that getting food like spending an extra night here or there was not a problem yeah and in fact you know i now in hindsight when i reflect on where the comedy started it was that time a lot of times I was included in things because I was funny. Yeah. It was like, oh, she wants to come, bring her.

She's alone. She's got this. A lot of people had sympathy for the fact that my mom wasn't there. So when I think back to like, how did I not know that I had a comedian? It started back then when I knew that if I made people laugh, they're going to include me in stuff. Well, I remember it reminds me of we had an episode with Monroe Martin, the comedian. And he talked about he went through the foster system. And he was saying that he knew if he was funnier at the dinner table, they'd be like, oh, we'll keep him for another week.

Yeah, exactly. And you know who else has a similar story to that? Kevin Hart. Oh, oh yeah i read his book before i started stand-up comedy and in his book he talks about how his crew he grew up in poverty with a single no not a single mother but like a complicated father situation kind of absentee right and he talks about how his mom and him would get invited to things because he was the funny one so he learned to be funnier and funnier so that he would get invited and that's the first time i read that book and i thought

could it be that you know what i mean like i had a moment of like wow that sounds like my story yeah and when i hear those stories i think oh i have no good reason to be funny I had a moment of like, wow, that sounds like my story. Yeah. And when I hear those stories, I think, oh, I have no good reason to be funny. And thus I never truly will be. But you too. I mean, you and I are similar. Yeah. At least I had a fucked up family.

You were just happy. Just happy. Happy boy. What's your funny origin story? I mean, you know know there's like you kind of do it in your sketches where you talk about like the kid who was like not cool or he was just trying to like be loved by being funny like were you a funny kid in middle school yeah yeah but it comes with you know you're you're doing anything for a laugh or or you know what i mean like you're it's that classic you're trying to make people laugh before they make fun of you

sort of thing and and so but I wasn't like loudly like I was not like a loud class clown but I've always been quietly funny but I'll tell you I think that's where I like you know I have a lot of like homo erotic

like talking about and I think it comes from like not wanting to be made fun of well because i was the theater kid i went through this phase i think we've talked about it where in in like seventh or eighth grade like i went through this thing like with my joking with guys would be like hey chris how you doing like it was like a joke like i'm like you didn't want to be thought that you're gay so you're like i'll make a joke about being. Yeah. That'll be like, so gay. Yeah. I'll be like, Oh,

you think I'm gay? Yeah. Well, I'll fuck you right now. I'll back up into you. Mother of middle school boys must love those jokes. They'll be like, Oh, you want to touch me?

Yeah. I fucking want that. You want to hit me? That's what I like. That makes me come hard. My God. But that's like, it's that kind of thing.

It's that response. I think. Yeah. Yeah. So that's like, it's that kind of thing. It's that response, I think. Yeah. Yeah. So. That sounded like it came from a place of real fear. Yeah. What you're describing.

Right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I just think that's like my tie to that kind of community. And then I go to these musical theater camps and I'd be like the straight guy on campus. Yeah. They'd be like, Jamarco, how do you pick up this football? And I'd be like, I'll show on campus yeah they'd be like jamaica how do you pick up this football and i'd be like i'll show you yeah i've picked it up three times yeah

i i think i for myself too i always feel like when i think back i always have memories of like making bits in my head of like things that i never said out loud but i would be like like i think i've told you the story before but i remember getting made fun of for not wanting to see Coyote Ugly in eighth grade. Someone made fun of you for not wanting to see it? I was at a party and these guys were like, we're going to see Coyote Ugly. Do you know Coyote Ugly? No. It's about a bar where the women dance on the bar and it's strip clubby.

I was in middle school and it was going to come were all these guys were going to go see it and then they were like they were like they asked me if i wanted to see it but it was in an it didn't seem like it was going to be a like a of all i wasn't friends with them they were like very you know the cool guy and uh and i said no i didn't want to see it and they were like making fun of me and i remember in my head being like do you guys not know how the mpaa works like it's pg-13 we're not gonna see anything like you idiots i've i own boogie nights on dvd like if i want to see stuff i'm gonna see it like i just was in my head like doing this whole thing of like dude just does this kid not know how pg-13 works like there's not gonna be anything that we can't see in a magazine. But you just took it.

You didn't say anything. No, but. You were like, hey, I got a video of Mark Wahlberg's cock at play. I don't need these tips. I'm really straight. I can see Heather Graham naked at any moment. No, but I, the, I remember, but it was, I would, I feel like I look back and remember those kind of things that feel like a thing in my head being like, what are you talking about? This episode is brought to you by a real pain from searchlight pictures comes

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It was a congressman or a senator. I'm going to keep it weak because I don't have his permission. Sure, sure. Oh, wow. Were they involved in your sister in Ohio? Was that who you were writing to exactly exactly i was writing all over america because i didn't know any better but ohio had an incentive because i would have come here as an international student my sister was willing to pay for my schooling so back then an international student was a rare commodity. It's not how the world was today.

So that locally, they had an incentive. All right, if she's willing to come here and pay full tuition and go to college. Do you remember when you got the letter saying you were in? Yeah, yeah, I was shocked. I mean, I wasn't shocked that I got it because I was really believing that it's going to happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, when you like, you have no basis for the belief, but you just believe. But still, when it happened that moment, I was like, this is it. This is the end of my life here. You know, I mean, I know so many because I went to an acting school with a bunch of Australians and they did the lottery system. Yeah. And it always seemed like a very tenuous way to live life. were like yeah i hope the lottery works out next year and i was like fuck and the odds were worse and worse and that's australia australia is not even as backed up as india like indian people there's the numbers that immigrate from india are so great that you could

be waiting 20 years and that's really life like for 20 years you're like it's gonna happen it's gonna happen so you don't know when something's gonna break when you got to america i always think it's interesting i see uh sometimes more like canadian comedians or or uh or just people who get their green card or whatever in america and then they're at the state place and they have a little american flag yeah and it's very patriotic. In a time where certainly I certainly feel a lot of like fucking America. Do you feel a kind of patriotism or a love of America because of this? 100%. A big reason I do the comedy that I do is because I want, especially in a post-Trump world,

I feel like I'm in a position to remind people of how great they are. See, it's like... You're making America great again, one might say. In my own auntie way. But you know, it's been so much self-hate because of those years

that people forget how great this place is and people are still lined up outside every consulate in every nation trying to get here yeah so and who can say that like i didn't i felt like an american person cannot say that they're like well why are you standing out in a line to get in here but isn't it probably america's fault that half those places are fucking so fucked up that they need to come here listen who was to say you know what i mean like america has never invaded india for example i'll give you an example right but

like india's got how many problems like who are we gonna blame for that at some point you know you have to build your own thing and america's got its fair share of issues no doubt but revolution is my life and i have to honor that fact And that's why every set that I do, every set ends with my audience feeling amazing. Structurally, that's how all my sets are designed. I want people, my American audience, to feel elated. See, I think I'm the opposite. I want my set to end with them feeling like,

you should be ashamed that you took a night off to laugh. Did you see the 10 homeless people on the way here before you enjoyed my jokes you selfish motherfucker that's my goal and i hope you had two drinks yeah i hope you had two drinks i mean like don't freaking leave without having the two drinks so i i i know there's still so many things but but I'm very curious about this relationship with your father. Yeah. Because I have a... Yeah, you have a complicated... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He wanted to arrange me in a marriage, and I said, no, papa. And when was the next time you saw him after moving to America? Did you ever see him again? I'm trying to think. I mean, I only saw him in passing because he wasn't talking to me. Were you mad at him?

No. Did you ever speak to him again before he passed? Not really. No. I mean, I saw him in passing. It was a family event, but I can't remember now.

It was somebody's wedding or something. Because also, once I moved here, for years, I couldn't leave and go back. The way the visa situation was messed up, for years, I couldn't go back. So he was angry and seething, and I had no way to actually be... And is he just working all the time? He's just grown his... Were your siblings talking to him? Any of them?

My brothers who live in India, even now they were talking to him, but he cut my sister off. Are you friendly with your brothers? Yeah. I'm very tight with all my siblings. Did you ever, did you ever go like,

how's dad or? Yeah, I would ask, but he never asked for me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because he,

in his, he was that old school. Like when, you know, you're dead to me in America. Like, no, he meant it he was that old school like when you know you're dead to me in america like no he meant it yeah yeah like you know here people use that phrase you're dead to me like no no he that's like you're dead to me yeah like sure like i don't exist because in his mind i had insulted him i had bought so much shame and humiliation and in his arrogance he also thought well eventually she's gonna need me to arrange her anyway it's not like she's a beauty queen so what is she thinking you know

did he get remarried yes and did when when people get remarried did he marry like a widow or a 14 year old i think not a 14old, but a woman younger than him for sure. And, you know, I don't think she was a widow. I don't actually know her at all. Is she still alive? Yeah, she's alive. But I don't know her at all. Like, I never lived with her nor met her, actually.

So was there, you know, I'm trying to, like, contextualize where, like, you know, if my father and I never spoke again, even if I had a tough relationship, it would be emotionally challenging for me that's what a lot of my therapy sessions would be about did you want did you ever long did you ever feel sad or were you was your dad dead to you too no it was sad it's still sad i but you know what makes it very sad is that my kids don't have a grandfather sure or my kids don't have a grandma so on my side there's nobody and that's really sad that's even sadder than me not having parents do you tell them about him my dad the only way my dad talks about his father and my dad's father like left his family to start a second family so it was bad hit a lot

of bad things but my dad cannot start a conversation about his father would go without going he's a fucking monster fucking monster and then will tell me the time he waited in the car while my dad fucked you know some similar woman right um right on the window shield oh yeah no that's a joke. Oh, my God. My dad, like, six years old, like, titties to his face. Oh, my God. Okay. So, did you go to the funeral? No. Did you want to?

No. He didn't want me to. And I didn't want to. Yeah. So, it was mutual. Your sister go? No. The same.

First of all, he died in the summer in india so they can't hold about it's so hot yeah by the time you get news of it in america and you can even conceivably make it there often the funeral has to be done there's no there's no cooler to put the body they don't you not as hindus they don't do that in our religion you cremate it right away you cremate it right away usually so I believe there are ways to do this now but back then like he passed 10 or 15 years ago 12, 13 years ago

most Hindus don't do that it's my understanding you die you go straight to the crematorium you know you believe the whole reincarnation process. If you believe in it, then it's very direct. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

But I wouldn't have gone either way. It's not like I didn't go because of the body. Like, I wouldn't have gone either way. He wouldn't have wanted me there. Like, the relationship was just completely over. Yeah. And that's what it was. Do you think if he was alive do you think you could

have made him laugh now do you think if he saw you in a show that you could make him laugh like against his own will probably yeah yeah but i'm good now sure sure you wouldn't want him to see first year in i mean parents are tough enough as it is just here in America. I do a lot of Zoom shows. I do Zoom shows for a lot of Indian uncles and aunties. Indian uncles are tough. Let me tell you. You know how the Zoom room opens? It's like a hundred of them sitting like this.

Like they look at the camera with suspicion. I'm like, it's a comedy show. What are you worried about? But they're so suspicious. And you know the chat, that you can read as the performer while I'm telling jokes, she's not funny. She's not funny. Okay, that was a little funny.

I mean, it's brutal. That's wild. That is wild. That's wild. Do you address it when it happens or do you just ignore it? Well, after a while, I'm like, yeah, I just want you guys to remind you that i can read the chat this is a little reminder i mean not that an indian guy probably understands how a zoom room chat tech works sure but it they and they would be like whatever it wasn't funny you know like they're brutal it's oh my god and then the ultimate insult they tweet my punchlines the next day

as their own idea happens all the time happens all the time insane yeah are there any in india now i mean is it more progressive than when you were 14 you know it's crazy it's progressive in some ways in that the world is open everybody's watching netflix like it's all available to everybody in india like nothing's hidden anymore i mean facebook google the whole thing but the extreme right-wing politics that we've seen here that we saw a few years ago you know with the truck that's completely taken over the whole country in india too the sim a similar wave yeah so it's become very religiously fundamentalist it's become intolerant in a way

that it didn't used to be somehow the last decade has brought this whole that happens so many in so many countries do they believe in the religion or do they just like the culture of the religion neither neither they believe that they need to protect their religion so it's a lot of there's a lot of threats from all sides like india is a peninsula so china is one border pakistan another border then we have russia right sitting on top yeah it would be stressful to be like between china and russia it's a precarious place to be exactly so and now post this like until last year people used to be like all intellectual about it oh you should be open-minded now they're even more like with russia doing what it's doing yeah people are scared i mean india is right there sure sure

nothing stops any of these big countries from just deciding one day. Was Trump more popular in India than other places? He still is with the Indian community here. What is it about Trump that appeals to... I think that like a lot of American people, Indians too felt like America had become too woke. They couldn't identify with what was happening on the extreme left. Which part of the wokeness bothers them? Is it like, is it the LGBT stuff? No, not all that stuff. What like, what's the woke part that rubs?

It's like, you can't say this, you can't say that. Everything, everything's hurting everybody's feelings all of a sudden. It kind of became almost unl almost unlivable and in some way i think in comedy we're seeing it you just don't you know you know it's it's a thing as as i get older there is a feeling there there's more and more eye rolls throughout the day that i have and i'm like oh yeah am i becoming yeah yeah becoming one of these people it's hard it's hard. It's hard. And I don't know. I just know as I get older, there's more and more. I'm like, okay, all right.

And then I just text Russell instead. And I say, no, no, you're wrong here. I say, no, no, no. I don't know what you're talking about. I feel like, so you're raising kids now yeah how old are the kids now well

raising is to be used loosely you're coexisting yeah what are their ages 19, 16 and 10 and the 19 year olds at Stanford

that's right studying ceramics don't get me started what I feel like I hear about Don't get me started. What? I feel like I hear about the culture you've described in India. Yeah. And with an American bias and as a liberal and as a like, do what you want.

Yeah. I judge it. I go, oh, our system's better. Right. Now that you're raising kids here, what do you go, oh, this was actually better in India. Yeah. Like, is there anything? How do you view this whole thing? Because all I'm hearing is 14-year-old, didn't want to get arranged marriage, so I had to leave her home and go to a different country.

And I'm like, that's all bad. Right. No, no, it's not all bad. And like like as a parent for example my kids want to be artists and no no no you're gonna learn math and science but you're letting them major but also no no she's a freshman right now we're working on this you know i can't beat her up because also as do you feel like your position is Also, do you feel like your position is not as strong because you're a stand-up comedian?

At least the things she makes can hold something. They have an example of like, look what mom is doing. But mostly I try to not let them find out what I do. Mostly. Wait, do they really not have an internet? I mean, I do on occasion leave my house in scrubs you know just confuse them a little bit but you do support them now you might have that like split i do support them but i understand how the back home mentality and luckily in the world we live in today a world filled with side hustles and this and that i'm always reminding them i'm like please

get a hard science or math skill because it will get you a job somewhere doing something and do the side hustle that's my compromise i would never say don't like my daughter is actually a really good writer her essay about how she helped me get started in comedy is a new york times best of 2021 college essay so like how am i gonna deny that she's you know what i mean yeah but i'm too afraid to like oh just become a writer that's a tough life and now that i'm in comedy like i even we're at the cellar like yeah but every day is a fight every day sure. Sure. I mean, listen, I have mixed feelings. I had the parents who either encouraged or didn't fully care.

But they let me go to college where with the scholarship, 35 grand a year that they paid for, where I was studying musical theater. Wow. And they knew I was driven. They knew I wasn't like a fool. Like I was crafty. But in a lot of ways, like it's a crazy thing. And I look back on that and I think of all the flaws in the education I got and the way they did not prepare me professionally. And there's a part of me that's like, oh, that was a mistake.

But it's always easy in hindsight to be like, that was a mistake because it also gave me a lot of skills that I may undervalue now that come into play probably now in the last couple years where it's like, well, you know what?

All that vocal training is the reason I can do this, that's this. So like, I have mixed feelings. I don't know. I don't know. But there are some times

I wish I had another skill, but my skill would have probably been like editing or something in the arts, something in the arts that would... Well, listen, everybody wishes they did something different. Like, you know, I'm sure there's any number of Indian doctors out there who are like,

I wish I had pursued my love for acting. That's like, you talk to any Indian doctor, engineer, scientist, they're going to be like, I wish I had at least given it a shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? So it's like hindsight is like that. I said, if I don't make it in two years, I'm going to become a cardiologist.

It's, you know, I wonder what's the latest someone's become a doctor. I have an interesting story. My old boss from one of my first jobs in New York, she is this amazing woman. Like like she's this like kind of scary terrifying like power lesbian like old old new yorker like not just not just age-wise but like just like has the vibe of like she's lived in new york her whole life that sort of

thing but she was an actor and has these amazing like headshots from the 60s. Yeah. But she got to be 30 years old and was like, okay, I'm not famous. So she went back to become a doctor at 30. And then now runs several hospitals and is this very successful doctor in New York and didn't go back until she was 30. I was like, huh? And she said she was older. She like you know when she was in residency she was then in her late

30s and like yeah everyone else was much younger but like she got to do all this sort of stuff because people would be like oh well she seems a little small like she just lived a little longer and stuff so it kind of helped her out in a way sure yeah well good are you having ideas he's listening so intently i'm like are we about to lose a comedian here what um so well i hope your daughter becomes a famous ceramicist is that the term i wouldn't know ceramic artist she'd be the first she'd be the first we're like we have to come up with a title you're the first person ever it is an interesting i mean there's more to it than i'm i i don't i just don't know it's funny to go to stanford for it yeah thank you it's not funny it's like what

are you doing but clearly i don't know you you could be it's the same way we're comedians but we're like we're both producers too of course and like if you if you study that at the same time yeah and then you know if the ceramics doesn't work out you build a ceramics museum or you like are involved in the sale of arts i'm now after the jokes i've done about the ceramics i've had any number of pro ceramics people hunt me down i love that and they they remind me they're like, you know that Tesla that people love? Like a ceramist probably designed it in a 3D studio before. So it's like there are, I think of like a pot.

I think of like little cigarette bowls. But if you think design, if you think like all the design applications of cool things that we like, like somebody designed the iPhone, Like somebody designed the iPhone. Like physically designed the thing. And there's a whole design element to it. That's very real. I don't understand. I do like that they said probably.

Probably. There's no hard evidence. Well, probably a ceramicist. Well, and what do the other kids want to be? Well, what I let them be no my son my middle son is he's a yogi oh my god does he teach in New York

he's yeah and this summer he's going to be teaching for free in the park wow it's killing me pay what you can it better be free pay what you can pay what you can situation so we we i'll take his class i love yoga we did yoga slash you should come because we did yoga slash comedy the last two years oh wow in the park i love that so peak covid i was doing my own comedy shows behind the met and i had an auntie zarna tree where every uh friday and saturday i

would like just throw a flyer out and whoever wanted to come come yeah yeah and he would start off the the comedy with with like a 10 minute breathing and stretching i love that yeah and we did it you know peak covid we didn't know what was happening everybody was gonna die anyway i was like let's just do some yoga i I have a lot of yoga material. And I don't do it very often because like in the Midwest, yoga is not big enough. Not big. I know. But one of my favorites was when I got surgery, I had a hernia from CrossFit.

I was going to get back to yoga. And so I went to my surgeon and I was like, can I start doing yoga again? And I started showing him like, I was like, just so you know, know like some of the poses it would be like this and this and and this and then my surgeon who was indian was like i know what yoga is and it was like this like it was a shocking moment he was like i learned it in kindergarten between like, you know, math and gastroenterology class. And it was such an incredible moment where like I had truly forgotten in that moment, not that I would assume every Indian person knows yoga,

but I think in that moment, I did not think of yoga as an Indian thing. But it's not. It's a white people thing. Now it is. Yoga was supposed to be like the hardest pose was the one where you like basically lay down and take a nap corpse pose was the hardest buckle up indian people that was our version of yoga okay and then the americans

got into it and it's like hip-hop and weights and a goat and heat and not heat and yeah i mean like some and then like yoga yoga was supposed to be the poor man's exercise. You wear whatever you want and you stretch. Now it's like $300 leggings with holes in them all over that, like you can't even wash. They're so precious. You can't even wash them. Like you hang them dry. So it's become a white people thing now, yoga.

And that yoga is suddenly drawing all these new Indian kids in. They're like, oh, this is the cool version. like they're playing nikki minaj and we're doing yoga do you do yoga ever no no i can't my mind is not still enough i'm the worst indian i'm the worst indian person like honestly i don't do any i don't like to cook sure i don't like to cook thank god for like seamless yeah yeah yeah um well i'm glad you said it i was gonna say i was gonna call this episode the worst indian person semicolon uh well let's go to our next segment this has got to stop this has got to stop i know you did your homework yeah i did my homework what's your this has got to stop you're people saying we should all be good

human beings and watch out for each other like please i'm gonna challenge you on this one but go ahead to make your case it's not working john marco like challenge me fine but like look at the world we're in i think i say let's give it a go the other way wait what does that mean everybody be selfish well we already have genocide hello yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Has it worked? Oh, no. I just meant like as a rule of thumb for everyone. Okay, so give me a specific. So what do I need to do?

Whatever. Don't worry about anything. Just worry about your own job and your own health and just stay in your own little cocoon. Stop reading about the world. Stop reading about the world. Because reading about the world has led to the world we're in. I'm becoming my dad.

I will say that i do think there's a there's a comfort that i've partaken in and many of us do where it's like i'm gonna read about the injustices of the world and feel upset about it yes and somehow that's worth anything anything no i agree and and i feel like to what has potentially happened is that you're reading so much and then you are you're like engaging like a pretty low level of everything. Yeah. Actually, nothing is getting nothing gets there because you're like, I can't help with this genocide. I can't help with that thing. Maybe the oversaturation and overeducation of horrible things happening is leading to people actually taking less action because they're reading so much and then they feel helpless.

Yeah. Which is a universal feeling I feel like right now. But they're so exhausted reading it that they don't have any energy to do anything about it. You know what I mean? Sure. The emotional exhaustion of reading all this news. Do you ever refresh your news and you're like, I can't read one more thing about this? Well, I don't think it's worse. I think it's that it's not like refreshing the news.

It's like you're on your social things and people are commenting, sharing the things. So you're already getting a version through an opinion of people that you follow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. through an opinion of like people that you follow yeah so it's almost like you know even if i'm not going on like the new york times or any of the news it's everywhere yeah it's everywhere um but yeah i don't know so what else i'm just trying to fully understand how to incorporate your philosophy into my life what i i i guess the simplest way to say it is just, you know, be selfish. It's fine. Like the whole selfless movement hasn't really caught on.

I don't know if you need to tell John Marcos to race. I don't think you're selfish. But I, no, yeah. This comes from a place of some despair and hopelessness. I feel like us telling people how to live in some way has not worked. Yeah, sure. And that may be my one mild, very gentle criticism of America in general.

Like they've invaded countries under this idea that those countries want to be American. That we're going to leave them with a version of America that they're going to implement. And like none of that seems to have really... For sure, yeah.

I think great. I'll do it. Sounds good. Everybody focus on your own job for a minute. Get yourself off of social media and just focus on your own little community for a minute. I like that. I like that. I like that. and just focus on your own little community for a minute. I like that. I like that.

I like that. Focus on your own little community. Plant your own little tree. One tree. Don't try to save 10 million. Just plant one tree. Okay. I like that.

I like this degree. I always think just like, it's just constantly, especially in New York, I'm like, I'm going to go donate to something as I pass. Yeah.

Homeless people and a disastrous like, Yeah. It's like, well, there's a lot of help that needs to be done here. Okay, so we did a compromise. I got too negative for you. That's the downside. We went the lowest we could go. Is that the lowest?

Don't worry about anyone else. Oh, I was just, never mind. It's too depressing. I was just like, that guy that set himself on fire in front of the Supreme Court this past week. What was that? Against global warming. I was like like, I thought of that guy that set himself on fire in front of the Supreme Court this past week. What was that? Against global warming. I was like, no one. Someone in front of the Supreme Court and it was

two articles. Well, I read all the stuff. It really is. I mean, it's truly it's horrifying just to think that, did he think it would do something? Yeah.

And people were like, we don't care. Did you get it on video? Did you make it into a TikTok with music like, baby, you're a firework. What's upsetting is I don't know, I don't even know how many people would have to do that at once for someone to even take,

for us to take action on. Every day they did one more each time to see what would move the needle. Two people set themselves on fire. I mean, it's three. No, I think on, it can be grotesque as it is, until the person dies,

it's not going to make the news. No, he did die. So that's why it made the news and that's why we're talking about it. Yeah. Because if they just did it and then the fire was put out, they're like,

all right, well, you know. If I did it, it would definitely be like a lighter and be like, I'm going to run my finger over it really fast. fast i'm gonna run it over two times if you don't fix global warming i well i do not want to be set on fire but but i have can i just can i give you an example that just came to my mind that's very current about what i'm saying the whole mask debate right wear the mask don't wear the mask i hate it i don't hate it at this point i'm like look if you are scared and nervous immunocompromised whatever your situation is you wear three masks

protect yourself because the world is like they're gonna do what they're gonna do you know yes i've kind of moved on from that now i don't know what solution there is well there is a reality with comedy and i feel like i sped up a lot more than my friends, even more the conservative ones where I was in comedy clubs. So I was like, I'm there. I'm seeing people. I'm selling merch. We're in a basement.

We're in a basement. With no ventilation. And it definitely feels uncomfortable. I'm sure if you're on a plane and suddenly the pilot's like take them off baby as you're on the plane that kind of sucks yeah that's pretty sudden and people have criticized like the fact that that happened but i compared to the rest of twitter i was just like some people on twitter like how dare you take off these masks on these planes and i was pretty jazzed to take my mask off on my plane and it also you you started sounding like you basically i sounded like republicans did like a year and a

half ago where i'd be like i've been on the plane we're all eating our food for an hour long on the plane eating one almond at a time so let's not pretend that at least half this mask wasn't was flight wasn't maskless already yeah there's definitely like you rewrite like the the the logic of of the masks sometimes we're like we're like it came off at all you're done you're all dead yeah like in theory you're like there's a thing where sometimes it just doesn't make sense to me that we were i think they're definitely especially with the master some people are like let's keep the masks on forever. It helps people.

And I'm like, no, I'm like, no, that's not going to happen. There's also for me, my nihilistic way, I'm like, well, it's over. You, you at a certain point, you can't just tell everybody what to do forever.

These masks are eventually coming off. You can wear it as long as you want. You can wear it as long as you want. But people are not going to be behind this for forever. You can wear it as long as you want. You can wear it as long as you want. But that's what I'm saying. But people are not going to be behind this for forever. You can be selfish about that. Like in my mind, like whatever your view is, forget the view.

Stop trying to convert people. You walk around with two masks on. I don't care. I'm glad you feel this way because I tested positive for COVID right before this podcast. And I said, well, that's their business. Let's go to our final segment

you better count your blessing you better count your blessing Russell yes so this last Uncle Function show I got like

our sketch team you really assume everyone knows oh sorry our sketch team uncle function um uh i ended up getting being able to film a short thing in the little movie uh this weekend because this casting director was at one of our shows and they needed a different casting director than this other thing not a casting agent no not a casting agent but it was nice it was a nice little thing to like randomly get a phone call

being like can you film this thing tomorrow just a last minute thing couple lines but it was fun so cool

and I didn't even know this person was at the shoot or at the show and that's how that's part of the relationship to live entertainment that you want to happen where live entertainment doesn't pay a lot at

least in new york if you're not headlining or things like that but especially in sketch comedy and improv part of the agreement was like we'll put on good live entertainment and hopefully industry will be there and it's so for it to happen yeah well and he called and he said he said uh is this um is this russell and he called and he said, is this Russell? And I said, yeah. And he goes, is this Uncle Function Russell? And I said, yeah. What if you're like, no, let me get him.

And then I felt so sad that I did this. But then I go, just to confirm. Because then he was asking about it. And I said, yes, I could do it. Blah, blah, blah. We'll figure out all the logistics. And then I go, just to confirm, the big one. I was like, in my head, I was like, what if he had the wrong name?

And then I showed up on set and there was like a thing. But anyways, it was all fine. That's so. I don't know. I felt so bad that I did. Well, if you did, then it'd be good. You'd be stuck. And they'd be like.

Just to confirm. It'd be like the fitness coach. And they're like, yay. You know the story about Ryan Gosling prepared for a role and he thought like the character he's like this character

should be like fat and so he would eat like he was eating Haagen Dazs ice cream for every meal and then he showed up to set

and the director was like what are you doing no and fired him and so I just imagined just like putting on like significant weight on purpose

yeah well that's really cool. I didn't even hear about this. It happened so quick. It happened. They called me Saturday. I filmed it yesterday. I'm trying to figure out my blessing.

That's why I'm stalling. But I'm excited. And you also, you got that other callback. We're hoping, fingers crossed. No, no, I didn't get it. Yeah, I know. And Zarna, do you have a blessing? I have many.

I have three literal blessings my kids and you know why they're great because i believe in child labor what labor are they doing for you right now running my tiktok really yeah that's great to have young people running my youtube account running my instagram to have a young person do that see how i like, who came up with like no child labor? No. Yeah. Put them to work.

Yeah, I do think there's something about like child labor loss. There's just something about like, well, it's okay if a kid does a little bit of work. Manified a kid. I mean, when schools, like pandemic was great for me. Yeah. They were around the whole, I was like, enough with the classroom. Come here. Yeah.

Now they're in school, whatever. Sure. You know. That's why people say, do you want a kid? I'm like, no, but I want an assistant. Yeah. So maybe I can. Or baby content.

You know, that stuff goes well. Oh, baby content. You know what's so funny though? My mom, she's like, I hate, she's not even like a comedy person per se, but she watches now and then. She's like, I hate when She's not even like a comedy person per se, but she watches now and then. She's like, I hate when comedians talk about their kids. Oh, my God. Like for her, when comedians just talk about their kids, like it rubs her the wrong way.

And I think it's because she never wanted to be a mom. Yeah. I'm trying to think of a blessing. I feel like some decent things happened. Oh, fuck. I'm coming up blank. uh there's i had i saw a friend today my friend alice grinling who you know alice yeah oh yeah and uh uh yeah i'll i'll make it for her she's my like when i about once a week i call her and for an hour she she lets me uh just say

jokes and uh see if she laughs at any of them oh my god that's my open mic yeah that's your open mic and it's rare it's like it's rare to find people who are willing to do that yeah and she's got a lower bar for the comedy which is like it's good for new stuff because you get to be like oh there's something there something there right as opposed to my mom who every time I make a mistake to test out a joke on my mom and her response to every single one is, it's not your best.

And I'm like, okay, well, only one can be the best. So I just need something. And once in a while, she'll laugh really hard. Like the ones she really laughs at, bomb every time. The ones that crush with her

for whatever reason, bomb every time. But if it's like a medium laugh, I'm like something might be there. Yeah. So I'm very thankful to her for that help. And yeah, she doesn't listen to the podcast.

So this is wasted. Or she might just start listening now. Yeah. Her friends tag her. They're like, do you hear what she said about you? Ooh, I like that. So, so this is coming out may 10th is there anything you want to plug um i'm going to be in oklahoma i'm going there this weekend you are where are you going uh bricktown oh bricktown great club great chain i'm going to Looney Bin but I know the chain that does Bricktown

so Bricktown Oklahoma City then Fayetteville Arkansas okay and then and then Chicago Laugh Factory

that's great yeah what are you doing at Laugh Factory I have my show on May 15th that's fantastic yeah

what's so funny is like I mean this is just like annoying comedian stuff because we have the same agent now. I'm like, oh, really? They haven't been in there. All right, I got to call them. Say, why the fuck haven't I? But that's really very, Laugh Factory is fantastic.

Hey, I just noticed, you know. Hey, I just noticed. Zarna did this, so what the fuck? I love Innovative. My touring, that's another shout out, Matt Innovative. My touring. That's another shout out. Matt Bourne.

Best touring agent around. Okay, okay. Whatever. Second to Christina Shams. Hey, Christina Shams. Christina Shams, get me into 3E's Comedy Club. So I am going to be Boston, May 12th. I'm doing something called The Jar.

If you go, you have to go with a group. It's a very social experiment type thing. Then I'm going to called The Jar. If you go, you have to go with a group. It's a social experiment type thing. Then I'm going to be at Helium St. Louis May 13th, May 14th. Weekend after that, I'm here a little, but I'm headlining Atlantic City Comedy Club May 21st. And then weekend after that, I'm at Mohegan Sun for the weekend. And then Rogue Island Comedy Festival in Rhode Island. And then, of course, you know, the silver lining,

the sister show to this podcast is the first Sunday of every month at Sesh Comedy Club. This next one will be June 5th, 8 p.m. It's me doing an hour with two people in between, mixing it up. And if we get enough people there, eventually it's starting to grow. But we will then start doing maybe a monthly live podcast recording with just russell daniels and i'll be in the audience oh my god it'll be russell for an hour just what a nightmare you'll have a newspaper up there just pretending to be an insurance salesman i was good at the insurance salesman that's very good um oh i have

a pitch or i have a pitch i have a plug uh May 10th, you said this comes out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, Saturday, May 14th. Uncle Function, Asylum NYC. Without John Marco, but the rest of us will be there. What time? 7.30pm. Okay, yeah. Go get tickets to that. And otherwise,

whether it's an arranged marriage or a regular marriage, love, like a knife, will always dull. This is the downside. This is so philosophical. That's kind of poetic, I think. That's kind of a metaphor out of nowhere. There's a tweet. There's a viral tweet.

Love dulls like a knife. Love dolls over my...