The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #86 You're Headed for Hell with Moses Storm

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

Moses Storm (HBO Max's Trash White) joins to talk about the downsides of a Rabbi chickening out halfway through your circumcision, being a member of a cult that is not growing, having your spank-happy mom get into bodybuilding, mustard and chicken smoothies, not getting it up for the love of your life, and being too bad at spelling to engage in Twitter arguments.  You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Follow Moses Storm on Instagram and Twitter Watch Trash White on HBO Max Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's monthly show in NYC (first Sunday of every month) Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

i don't know that's kind of racist welcome to the downside i need to stop and stop and restart this you were just shit talking a former guest do you want to wait no stop no i'm not gonna cut i'm not gonna include that part i wasn't gonna include that part okay uh uh welcome to the downside i'm here with russell daniels add more work for yourself um uh our guest moses storm is here gonna be here very soon. And I'm going to let him in and Russell's going to do the Russell show. I'm going to let him in. You started telling one of those stories that I was like, oh, fuck.

We should have started recording. What? Your Uber story. Oh, yeah. So, Russell, they had Uncle Function had a show. I was in St. Louis. Yep. And so John Marco called and I was on my way home show i was in st louis yep and uh so john marco called and i was on my way home and i was in uber and i you know we had a good conversation i was filling him in

on the show it was a great conversation um and it was really great and then uh all the i i get off the phone and as soon as i get off the phone, I hear honks happening all around me, like multiple honks from different cars. And I look out the window, and I notice that my Uber is veering wildly, like drifting across lanes. And so then I'm like, sir, sir, sir. And the guy's like, uh. And so he had fallen asleep.

And I was like, you know, it was very scary. And I'm like, probably like at this point, I'm two and a half, three miles from my house. And how, like, is he going like a little, like, slow? It was slow. He was driving very slow. Everyone else was going very fast. I know. And my thought is like, I don't know how long this was happening while I was just blabbing away on the phone to you.

Yeah, the show went fine i'm just picturing like this guy was driving like 30 miles per hour i was a little drunk not noticing talking to you in a good space everyone's he's drifting wildly across the road and i had no idea until so so we're a couple um exits from my apartment and um so i wake him up and he's like he like pretends like he wasn't sleeping but you know he was so clearly sleeping no one yeah you know or he's just like the worst driver and he only drives with his eyes barely open and so uh so then probably 10 20 seconds go by start drifting again and i was like sir sir you've gotta wake up and were you with this tone is it you recreating it fully no no okay so here i'm gonna try really do it ready here's what i probably did the first time i was like sir sir you are dying that was

the first time okay second time this is probably if i'm being truthful this is what i did probably the second time sir like that and so so so then so then i'm like okay we're like we're like two miles mile and a half from from my house but he is so sleepy and it's the highway though so i'm like what am i gonna i'm gonna like have him pull over on the side of the highway and let me out yeah you know what i mean like what are my options i don't know it's tricky so i'm like i'm so i'm like what am i gonna i'm gonna like have him pull over on the side of the highway and let me out yeah you know what i mean like what are my options i don't know it's tricky so i'm like i'm so i'm like in my head i was like i just got to get him to get me to my exit and then if it's really bad i'll get i'll walk from the exit it's like or you know like basically when i'm at the exit it's a 10 minute walk it's not bad so uh but he just kept falling asleep over and over again so

you just i was like i just had to keep being like, sir, you have to wake up. You have to wake up. Is he saying anything bad? No, he's not. He keeps driving. But once we got off the exit, it was better. But we're at multiple stop signs and there's lights and things are happening there. But on the highway, he was like, but it was just so scary.

And I was like, I don't know how that i was like i'm on my mind i was like i don't know how that person gets home alive do you know i mean i'm sure he took some more passengers after you and i probably should do something i probably should have reported it to uber or something yeah i think i think so i uh i would have been first of all do you think it was because he was listening to our conversation and he was like oh my god as how did the sketch show go oh passing out i would have been i mean i i get where you were trapped in the highway yeah i get staying in the car funnily enough but i think i would have been like hey hey hey you gotta wake up like it would be so uh i mean i i just kept saying the same same thing sir sir

you have to wake up you can't do that you have to wake up. You can't do that. You have to wake up. You have to be like, and. Now be honest. Be honest. Answer this honestly. Did you tip? No. Okay.

Did not. But that's your general policy. No, no, no. I used to actually not like when it was like newer. But now I generally I'd say all the time tip. Unless it's really bad. What percentage? 20.

20. Yeah. Yeah. I push myself to do 20. I still don't understand. I remember when I was a kid. I mean, people can judge me for this. Who gives a fuck?

But I remember when I was a kid, my dad used to tell me 10% for cabs. But again, this is all chaos. Like cabs definitely feel like what is this rule and uber it was new it was just one of those things where you get frustrated where the company's like hey uh we're not going to pay our workers more you're going to pay our workers more so fine but i will never forget i may have i was going home with with uh with a lady and i uh we took a cab and i went to tip 10 and she punched in 20 god of course and i felt uh very bad so now whenever i'm with a woman i yes you do 40 i do 40 big daddy so razy doesn't gotta worry about cash um the uh no i was scary and

it was uh i you know you just you also you're like, it's just frustrating thing. We were like, I was drunk and I was like, I know what's going on. Your face. Keep talking. OK. You know, you're like, you're like, I could literally be driving this car better drunk than he's driving right now. Like, which is very frustrating. The whole point of you should have traded yeah right is to make sure that i get

all right guys this is the russell minute no russell no no i have to help moses i want you to listen you entertain you're very funny tell a story to the people you have a lot of fans out there okay um i'm gonna read my text messages uh and i'm gonna read them out loud to you out of context okay let's see um okay i have a text from nicole about groceries that's kind of boring and then um that's the only text i have so uh oh i know what i was gonna say to you guys um if you are listening to the downside and um uh two things a of all i don't plug my instagram enough i'm gonna plug it right now at russell j daniels go ahead and follow me on there um and then second of all uh we'd like more of your thoughts on segments, thoughts on guests, thoughts on this has got to stops.

So if you have any of those kind of ideas that you've been wanting to share, please send them in to the downside so we can we can use some of them. Because sometimes it's just nice to connect and we want to hear from you and think of new segments. Oh, my God, John Marco, what's going on? I feel we hit all of the rush hour rain traffic. I am just. Wait, are you joking? He said, wow, sorry, I am diva late. I feel bad.

Hit all of rush hour traffic. And then he said, actually, that's a lie. I've been waiting downstairs the whole time. I'm just big timing you. And I was like, no now i don't know which is the joe i ran down i'm very out of breath so he's not there or he is there i have a way to do this why takes him back uh wait are you are you there uh i ran down i i think think that second text was a joke. A joke. This new system of starting without the guests. We started.

But just a buzz went here. Okay. Sorry, everyone. Sorry, everyone. What did you do? Lots of fun stuff? This is the fun part. When I get to listen back to the recording, I say, I see.

How did Russell do in this part? I read my text messages, which were none. I'm going to make this the clip. Just the you part. It's very easy. One single camera angle. I asked for their thoughts on segments. Oh, you asked a question.

No, I asked them to do homework. I said, please send in thoughts on segments. This has got to stop. I want to hear from them. I want to connect to them. Oh, and also plug my Instagram because I don't do it enough. And I thought, please send in thoughts and segments. This has got to stop. I want to hear from them. I want to connect to them. Oh, and also plug my Instagram because I don't do it enough. And I thought, you know what?

I will start plugging my Instagram more. Good. If you'd like to see what I post of my story a second time, follow Russell Baines. Our last episode was Zarnagarg. It won't be our last one when this comes out, but it's doing very well. Our second most listened episode. Oh, wow. She's got some fans.

She's got some fans. Because they started following me like I've never had. How do you know they were her fans? I assumed. I got a lot of new Indian followers. So I assumed. Maybe that's making an ass out of me. But that's what my thought was. So I'll tell my stories that I have.

Oh, brother, here comes airline humor. I had good flights. I had good flights. We're going to try to get a flight attendant from Delta. We're just trying to establish if we can get someone who can really shoot the shit. If they have an NDA or something. But so I was in Boston. I did a show

and it was like this. It's like an artistic space. So they do like poetry readings and play readings. And like in the beginning they had a meditation and then everyone had a marble and they put it in a jar.

Fun stuff. And then I was the last one to put it in the jar and then start. What was it for? What did it symbolize? You know, contributing your thought to the jar.

Then they said they were going to- Well, they must have said something before they just say, put this marble in a jar. I was just looking at my Nazi jokes I was about to tell. And it ended up being very good, but there was this like 10-year-old kid there.

And I was like, I was going hard in the paint. I was not worried about this 10 year old at all i wasn't changing it for him yeah and he ended up being like i think he's really was really smart for a 10 year old i don't i don't talk to a lot of 10 year olds uh but he we just started chatting because they had a talk back they had a talk back for an hour after the show and thank god they were just. And thank God they were just like – For an hour? Thank God they were just talking about like when was an experience in your life funny? Like it wasn't like about my act.

Okay. Thank God. Thank God, yeah. So I ended up just chatting up with this kid. His parents were divorced. His mom was there with her new boyfriend. And he was like – I felt like he was smart because he asked me. He said like how much of your act is true?

Like he started grilling me. And then he said, is your dad really dating a 33-year-old? And I was like, yeah, yeah, no, that's true. And he said, is that illegal? And there I am. I'm like, well, when you're 18, I start to, I'm like, well, do I want to explain to this kid the laws of dating in this country? I, like, tried to I tried to explain a kid version of like, when you're

18, anything goes. That's America. But in this country, it's a little bit different. What's the situation where you're just talking to a 10-year-old for how long were you talking? I just think he didn't want to hang out with his mom. They were doing the talkback thing.

So you didn't have to participate in the talkback at all. No, I was just hanging. I was just chilling. And I mean, he was just very cute. We ended up like I think what was weird about it is I felt like it was an actual conversation. And we were like joking. And he was talking about bad words.

And he's like, I get in trouble at school if I say those. And I'm like, you know, in some context, it's okay. What words? I can't. I can't trouble at school if I say those. And I'm like, you know, in some context, it's okay. What words? I can't. I can't. I'd get canceled. Wait. No.

But he heard me say cunt. He heard me say fuck. He heard me say bitch. And I just remember seeing Ralphie Mae when I was like 13 or 15. My mom stuck me into Carolines. And I just remember Ralphie Mae had a bit about different fingering techniques. And it was like getting coin out of the payphone. Okay.

And then like, which is the only technique I know, frankly. It's just this until I can't move anymore. But then he did like fraud. He did all sorts. And I remember being at that age where I was just like, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. I'm getting a scam call oh my god i you know i was going through the footage for this last uh uh uh the last episode you were on your phone the oh shut up no you should see i try to cut to you you'll see even in the clip like i couldn't cut it anymore but there's oh the day where i had

the business going down yeah a lot of business going down. A lot of business. A lot of business. And the other thing I wanted to say, I had this moment that was like, felt very kind of bottom of the barrel touring comedian, which I told you about where. Oh, yeah.

So I'm at Helium in St. Louis, and one show Friday, one show Saturday, but I asked them to add a second show Saturday because I had sold once at a different Helium. I'd sold it out and I was like, I'd love to do two shows, make a little more money. But more importantly for me, do more time. And so I'm getting ready to go on. And first they added a guest spot, which is fine. They added a guest spot and the guy there didn't even say like,

hello to me. Like he's there and he didn't say like, hi, or like, thanks. Thanks for letting me do the show or whatever. Yeah. So,

and like, there's just something about, you know, you work really hard, you spend money advertising of people that came there for you. It's like, you say hi, you say hi to the head.

Yeah. And then I'm trying to eat healthy it's been very hard i feel like with the airplanes yeah like i just eat like when i can yeah and so i've lost like also there's sometimes you go through life for me where you lose sense of the meal system and you're just eating when you're bored you're eating when you're tired you're eating when the plane lands, you're eating when you're tired, you're eating when the plane lands, every time you have free food available. Every time your eyes are open. And this club, not a lot of healthy options, very rarely at clubs there are healthy options, but I am able to concoct something with a salad

and they have a portobello burger, so I was like, can I just get portobello mushrooms on the salad? So all this is to say, I'm getting ready to go on, the feature's up, the waitress comes over and lets me know there's no they ran out of portobello

which it feels like it feels like oh they ran out of portobello but the salad without it is lettuce cucumber and tomatoes yeah

and she says that to me then the feature goes into a bit where she sings happy birthday like operatically to an audience member and as she's saying this, the one of the managers comes over and says,

Hey, we only have three ticket sales for the next show. So we're going to cancel it. And then the host goes up and brings me on right away. And it was just like this. And the host was there to witness kind of these two things happen back to back. Yeah.

And it was just a moment of like, man, this, no man. And when you come back in every New York comic, or not every, but some of them were like, Oh dude, you're on the road. That's amazing. You're oh, man. And when you come back in every New York comic, not every, but some of them are like, oh, dude, you're on the road.

That's amazing. You're living the dream. And you're like, this dream is a nightmare. Yeah. I'm sorry that happened to you. Yeah, it's just, there's something. I was glad. I would rather know that my next show is canceled

because then I'll take more risks in that first show. Like, I'll make sure that I, like, get what I want to get out of that first show. Yeah. But to find out a minute before that, like, hey, we only sold three. Yeah, you're like, why don't you just wait until I'm done, too. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

With the first show. Yeah. That stinks. What are your upcoming things? Where are you this coming weekend? You asked me to do my plugs? No, I'm just saying now out of curiosity of a friend. I'm going to Atlantic City this Saturday.

The episode will probably come out. So, yeah, I'm in New York for a week and a weekend. So I'm like getting things done. Okay. Got to figure out Tova's birthday. Yeah. I mean, I'm really lazy in that. I just talked to my friend.

Oh, we're doing a thing this coming weekend. You're doing a Ruth thing. No, no, we, me, you. Oh, we're doing a beat the bomb. Beat the bomb on Sunday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which you and your wife are doing because I recovered your wife's grandma's goods. Yes.

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Dyson OnTrack. Headphones remastered. Buy from DysonCanada.ca With ANC on, performance may vary based on environmental conditions and usage. Accessories sold separately. Well, let's do a... You know, we never get to do a This Has Got To Stop.

I have a This Has Got To Stop. Oh, I do too. Oh, good. I went to a museum. we never get to do a this has got to stop I have a this has got to stop oh I do too oh good I went to a museum so I went to a museum it was like the founding of St. Louis okay and St. Louis like like most of America

but I think St. Louis very specifically like this museum showed how it was inhabited by Native Americans the museum said Indians which made me go like wait is that still acceptable yeah it was inhabited by Native Americans. The museum said Indians, which made me go like, wait,

is that still acceptable? Yeah. In historical contest? Was it like an old museum that they hadn't changed the words? Maybe. Or it looked like they updated it and it's Indians now.

Which is the funny thing. I think your favorite comic had a bit where he said Americans came and were like, this is India. And they're like, no, it's not. And they're and were like, this is India. And they're like, no, it's not. And they're like, no, it's India. You're Indians.

You're Indians for four years. But this museum, they have this big arch there and you go up in the arch and you go down. Oh, it's in that, the famous arch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then there's a museum next to the arch.

Okay. And it's just one of these museums, like many American museums, where it's like, the Native Americans lived here for a long time. And then they didn't anymore. Yeah. And Americans started building. And you're like, okay, did they just go because they felt like it? They just wanted to move to the tiny place in what's now tennessee well even in like the small park right next to where i live it's the location of where um people bought like the manhattan and from from the native americans

and it's the saddest plaque because it's like all of manhattan and new york city was purchased for literally the word trinkets is in there it's like a small amount of things and trinkets and uh and it's just a plaque there that you're like like imagining the people being like yeah we're gonna take this whole big thing and they're like well you can take land it doesn't like that's i remember that in middle school we're like we're like they were tricked own land like but sure in a way they thought they were scamming they thought they were tricked. Like, no one should own land. So, in a way, they thought they were scamming. They thought they were scamming. They were like, we'll give it to you for nothing, you know? And then we were like, this is art.

Like, you know what I mean? But it is a weird thing where the museums feel like they want both things. They're like, yes, they own this. But then you're like, it's just so weird. And I think the grossest aspect of it is, like, they're still, like, kind of, they act like it's, like, the coolness think, I think that like the gross aspect of it is like, there's still like kind of the, they act like it's like the coolness of like, so we call it this. Cause that's what it used to be.

Yeah. And it's like, well then you, you murdered. Yeah. I'm a reading. I mean, I,

this is a book that like, I truly was like, I should read this and five pages. And I was like, it was a people's history of the United States. Yeah. And it like, it said that I think 8 million native americans were murdered

uh in the course of you know the the whole yeah i forget what it's called but they had like a map where they showed it basically showed like you know native american territory and then american territory over the years and you just saw it just like become a couple reservations and then these big reservations become tiny reservations yeah and it's just like the museum you gotta you gotta just own up to it man well but like in do you think in their heads they're like i don't know they're like well it kind of started with the european like i don't know uh yeah but yeah i don't know it's a way we can oh that's why it's funny whenever anyone when we're like can you believe this thing

is happening right now is happening in America? You're like, yes. Yes, yes. Look at how this all started. And I guess I don't understand. I mean,

this is a very like, I mean, critical race theory does it. I don't know how much it touches on like the founding of America, like Native Americans. At least you hear it frame more about like in terms of slavery and things.

But it's like, I don't understand people's need or want to like pretend like it was like not as bad as it was. Like, I don't know if that makes them feel good at their moral compass. They're just, or like they feel guilty if they think about it.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't feel guilty. Whatever, whatever like, like I don't feel guilty if you're like saying like, you know, I just don't feel bad. I feel bad in the sense like the world is horrible and horrifying, but I don't feel like some kind of guilt about America's founding. I was just born here. Wow. But I don't feel any personal guilt about it. Wow.

Yet these people like act like oh my god how could you attack how could you attack our founding fathers i'm like jefferson wasn't like your dad i don't know them yeah i have no allegiance to those founding fathers like but but that's also i always wonder if like is that also because i'm not connected to literally my my family i mean i'm fine saying that my dad is pretty fucked up, let alone my great, great, great grandpa. I was like, well, fuck him. He was probably crazy. Yeah.

Yeah, it's weird. So that's part of my, this has got to stop. The other part is- This has got to stop the founding fathers or- The founding fathers, enough, enough. But they do these things at museums now where they take a photo at the beginning, like as you're going in,

and then immediately they're like, you can pay for this on the way out if you want this photo. But even worse, they do it in front of like – Like in roller coasters. Yeah. But they do it in front of a green screen now. So you can pay for a green screen picture of you in front of the beautiful arch that you were seeing in person. Oh. And you're like, why would i pay for this yeah

this is a bad green screen you should have taken a picture of me in front of the actual thing yeah this doesn't look good it feels like a lot more money more and it's just like it's one of those things where i'm like listen i know we're all trying to make money but when you make me feel like you're scamming me i have a real like these days when i feel the scam happening to me actively when you take a picture of me and then after the picture like here take this card you can pay for it on your way out i'm like fuck off it's don't make me take the picture it's like the cd guys and they make it seem like you have you kind of have to take the picture as you're going and i'm like no i don't i don't want to take the picture and i just like like as if i was going to

be tricked like i'd be like oh i bet that picture is really good yeah i post really funnily uh i spent 35 on it um what's what's your this has got to stop okay this has got to stop um okay any like small mild like inconvenience that happens to you i don't think should be an opportunity to put your Venmo handle up on Twitter for like, it could be like, there are things where your house burns down or someone steals something or somebody needs a surgery or like all those things. Great.

Do it, go for it. But sometimes it's like, like an old man called me a pig face in a McDonald'sdonald's and you're like and you're like i don't know why donating to i'm not giving you money wait i haven't seen that i haven't seen not that i'm not giving that example but i i feel like sometimes it's like uh a response to like something bad happening someone's saying something mean to you or like and i'm like just in my head i'm like that sucks that that happened but i feel like weirdly associating like trauma or like something bad happening with then you get money sure it's weird

like there's a weird thing where you're like like someone said something mean to me and then i put it on the thing and i'm like here's my venmo handle and then people are like giving me money and then i'm like oh maybe i can go find something mean to me again. Do you, I, I, maybe I'm not speaking well. I just feel like there is,

do I hear you? There's sometimes where you see it and it's not weird at all. It's like, definitely throw it up there. But I feel like sometimes people are like, and anyways, here's my Venmo handle. And you're like,

why? It doesn't make any sense. It's like the person who gets on the subway and asks for money. And it's like their story is not that bad. Or not even. It's just one of those things where it doesn't make sense sometimes of like what is happening here where you need. Like, do you know what I mean? I don't know.

Maybe that was a bad one to do. Maybe I'm cold in this way. I feel like I saw one specific thing and I can't even remember what it was now. I see some comedians do it, and I think what's interesting with the comedian is because I know the economics of comedy. So some of them I'm like, your career's going fine. Yes. You got money. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got money. Where's this money going to? I want to see a breakdown of where the money's going to. Yeah. I remember the days. I mean, thank God the days are past of, I mean, I participated, so I'm going to talk, but the GoFundMes. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. For, no, no, not the GoFundMes, the Kickstarter and the Indiegogos. Yeah. Medical thing is one thing. System's broken. Yeah. What are you going to do? You need the money.

But, like, I, we both lived. Oh, my God. Hello. Hello. Come in. Yeah, let's lock it behind you. Welcome. Hi.

Come in. Do you need a seltzer Do you need a water I think I have a water Okay good Have a seat We started But welcome

Welcome our guest Moses Storm Woo I usually clap So sorry About Being An annoying level of late

It's not just late It's okay It's like I'm here I'm not here It's like, I'm here, I'm not here. It's actually way further than that. Well, then you told a joke where I bolted downstairs. I think I covered really well. Russ just read his text.

Yeah, that's, yeah, there's not the time to be joking. Making plans. Is there anything you don't want us to talk about in a way that you can say it where I don't have to cut it from what we're recording right now? Oh, I don't think so. I don't think, think it's just like what's the least amount of work that that's that's the ideal i think when i start talking about different skull shapes

um we should cut that oh sure you mean like uh uh eugenics yeah sure sure yeah well russell sorry i know that's what you want to talk about today. Yeah, and my complaint about The Tonight Show cutting all my slurs. Oh, yes. I think we should cut that. It went well. It looked good. Yeah. You feel good?

Yeah, as good as you can feel about that. Yeah, I felt great, honestly. Good, good. I know you were trying to figure out one joke. Yeah, that I asked your help with, and then they said none of it could even make it. Oh. Because they just didn't want to make fun of any brand, period.

It's very tough. When you start going through that process and you're like... Yeah, how much are they... Like, you have to send them fully what you're going to do. Yeah, and it's taken quite a long time because I originally submitted to the show when the special was about to come out as sort of like a, hey, this would be a great way to promote it.

And then, yeah, you go back and forth, as you know, and you keep submitting sets. Have you heard, have you gotten a Tonight Show bump in views? HBO say, hey. Actually, yeah. Really? have you heard have you gotten a tonight show bump in views does hbo say hey actually yeah really but that i mean 190 more followers but that's exciting but as far as the sets online like no one watches those sets people with their own audience maybe have like 79 000 views which is not a lot it's not compared to like do you get to know how many people watch your HBO special? No.

I just know that they said they were happy with it. And it's up there with the number one watch special, which is Marlon Wayne's Outdoor special. So the most watched special on HBO Max is... It's one of the Wayne's Brothers. What is the name of that one? Isn't it... Oh, it's something like a little cringe, like woke for y'all, woke-ish. It's not that, but it is something like woke for y'all.

Yeah. That's, I think, the worst title, though. Bill Maher's recently hashtag adult. Hashtag is from 2015. Hashtag adulting. Hashtag anything. Hashtag a 65-year-old man. It's just like the worst

because I have older comedians that their tweets, they still add six hashtags to their tweets and I've told some of them. I went out of my way. I said, hey, I love you. You're funny on stage.

Hashtag's gotta go. And Bill Maher doesn't have any more young people that are willing to write him that email. No. He's pissed everyone off because, yeah,

that's such a bad angle to have as a comic is that you are smart and smug. So he doesn't immediately give off this thing of like, oh, I'd want to help this guy out. I want to be friends with this guy. If that's your persona. It's like, actually, no, I know more than you. That's a good Bill Maher. Thank you.

I've been working on that for a really long time that's why i'm late that's what i'm gonna start doing a full half hour late when it's out in the rain when people ask one of those when people ask like who's your uh for those interviews with like who who is your inspiration i'm gonna start naming people like bill maher yeah just like just bill maher just a hundred percent bill maher i'm just trying to recreate the Bill Maher experience on stage. Yeah, a lot of Dennis Miller. He used to be really strong, though. Dennis Miller used to be like a really good comic.

And then once you have an agenda, it's over. Once you have a strict agenda, if I'm trying to convince you. Was he, though? I mean, the thing is, I feel like- He was a good writer, oh, for sure. I don't know. It's hard to tell because you're like, sometimes you just were young and who knows? They were just always around.

So I don't know. What's the one that got accused of stealing from Bill Hicks? The long hair, the Rescue Me show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're talking- Oh, oh, oh. That's different, right? Yes.

Dennis Miller is the right one. He's the guy with the goatee that has all these obscure references. This is like Putin going down on the Chechnyans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is that guy, though? Rescue me. Redhead. They say he stole his whole shtick. His whole essence.

To be fair, someone once told me that Rodney Dangerfield got I Get No Respect from a different comedian. He said, can I have that? Long Island open mic-er that literally got no respect. And it's true to his voice. That's the real guy who got no respect.

Michael Chase said that the Chappelle thing is like, comedians don't always tell the truth. For example, I found out Ron Dangerfield actually got quite a lot of respect from many of his peers. That's great. Can we say why you couldn't make the last episode? Or is that hush-hush? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. hush you were working with an owl

yeah on the show for Freeform it's just Hulu I don't know if anyone knows what Freeform is I don't know what any of these Freeform was formerly ABC Family so we're all under the Disney umbrella that's all you need to know because everything is cable again

but the signal is different. It's no longer a cord. It's just a Wi-Fi signal. But we're back to cable where you buy a channel. So I work for Disney. So they're very strict on COVID. And yes, so one of the gags today was doing a bunch of fake cocaine. That was the gag.

Where were you snorting today? It's a special formula. I think it just might be powdered sugar but how much did you get in your nose you're really doing this a lot yeah yeah you do like a like enough to like but uh not i don't know i it's there's no like high from it have you done have you done cocaine yeah i haven't hated it i i've had two it was not good. I did twice. My heart just beat too fast. I couldn't get it up. Yeah.

It was very scary. It numbs everything. Yeah. I thought it would be like my drug, like George Carlin did, Richard Pryor. I just thought like, oh, I get insecure sometimes. People are like, cocaine makes you feel like really assure of yourself. And I'm like, that's the one thing I've always needed. I don't think you or I need more energy. It seems like. We're like're like how do we get gayer how do we get in the eyes of people how do

we get more flamboyant we're the last people that need it and it fucks with your timing too i don't know how those people did stand up on it i can't even drink before a show i hear i hear that like my tongue feels thicker and i like slur a little bit and i'm like this i hate this because we talk fast no like drunk yeah if i have a full beer it's just like i start talking fast and then i stutter and one stutter man it will soften the joke that's that voice memo that you listen to back at the sad courtyard marriott the after i was slurring words and this was like one white wine out of a plastic cup and it was just slurred words it's enough to be like people paid to hear you talk and if that's

the one thing you can't do you fucked up yeah yeah you know you and so it was like two slurs it was like a thesis i couldn't say thesis it got like a laugh kind of but it was like oh brutal and then never again. Sure. I'll have a drink maybe after or if you're bouncing around. But if it's your show, if you are headlining, for me, it's just I can't do it. Also, I always have like half a beer on the first. I'll bring it on stage.

I sip slowly. Half a beer on the first, second half. Man of the people. You let them know you're down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is part of the thing. Yeah. You're kind of a loser if you're drinking water.

Oh, I have done that. I have definitely just brought a beer that I poured a little out in the sink of the green room just to be like, this guy gets it in Pittsburgh. Who's that one? He's like a one of those, I almost said white collar comics.

Jerry Seinfeld? That's a white collar comic. He talks like that and he would he would come out with like a big tumbler you're talking about Ron White yes Ron White

yes but he he would just be he's not faking it sweating he is he's gonna die on stage for sure

he's retiring this year because so he doesn't if Pablo Francisco doesn't die first I don't know the name of the special but there's a special

where Pablo Francisco sweats through two black towels where do you imagine how wet the towel has to be to to read as wet if it's a black towel i shit you not he's going through movie phone all these different impressions and he is sweating like a monster it is it is distracting it is he keeps dabbing and he's going so fast it's just it's like cocaine sweats yeah i hope i hope that's not he's not just cursed with that yeah in la is cocaine big my my sisters are in la and i i always worry about cocaine i don't i don't run into it i may i'm maybe not hanging in the cool circle but like your wife't whip it out at you. I don't feel like I've ever been around that kind of thing. I did it.

You're seeing it a lot. This woman, she was like, I have an eighth of cocaine. And I was like, let's... I thought... How much is that, by the way? It was like... I used to have a bit where I said it was like a sandwich bag for a mouse. It was like very...

Yeah. That's cute. I imagined the mouse mixing it up with our bag. And it was very funny. yeah and then i imagined the mouse mixing it up with our bag and it was very funny but i went over there and like my thought i'd seen the first half of scarface and it looked like a fun time yeah so i thought like we would do a little and like have wild sex yeah but like if just first we'd like i wanted to do it off a mirror and the only mirror she had was like a big full length like dorm mirror so So we like, I was really insistent. Took that down?

So we like, we took it off. We put it on the kitchen counter. We made all these lines. And I just took a bunch of lines and my heart was beating really fast. Couldn't get it up for shit. Like it was one of those like I, we like shoehorned it in there. And it was bad. Oh yeah.

It was bad. Oh, you're just like mushing it in there. And then you're more in your head. You're like pushing in the sides you're getting like sheets yeah and it's not hot because you're thinking about it and that just makes it worse uh um so it was not it was not but i feel like in la it's a little more i went to university of miami i i would strongly disagree with that i have not i i mean i've come in more contact with cocaine out here in the three months i've lived here you're going to better parties than me man it's just it's just out it's everywhere it's like nerdy snl writers are doing it like the last people you would expect to be

doing cocaine i was like really i guess i mean i guess it's better cocaine it's not like what you're getting on mcd Street or in Washington Square Park. McDougal, they are offering a lot of cocaine. A lot of cocaine. If you're a white girl from Santa Barbara, you just moved here, you're 24, you will be shouted at until you buy cocaine. I know if I had a cocaine with a friend, it would be the thing where I'd want him to do it first. I'd wait a couple minutes and see if he dies. Oh, it's scary.

It's scary now. Oh, yeah, because it's all mixed with fentanyl. It's mixed with fentanyl, yeah. Yeah, these comedians, two comedians died. In LA. They were just trying to do lines of coke and it was cut with fentanyl. It's much cheaper.

And you get a high from it. It happened in DC too. And then you asked where they get it from. They said some guy. I was like, that's where I get my coke. And once it survived, now they have it from. They said some guy. I was like, that's where I get my coke. And once it survived, I mean, now they have a credit. That is a thing. You get articles. You think the host is going to bring that on stage? Your next comedian is...

You've seen her on Voyage LA. You've seen her at the hospital. She got a lot of thoughts and prayers. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But I can't smoke either because I just get in my head way too much yeah even at a party

it's miserable I could definitely do it maybe if it was like the three of us whip it out Russell this well lit room I would love to do a stunned episode I wouldn't because I don't do it I do it so infrequently that it would make me nervous. I get a little paranoid.

I would talk even more. I talk so slow, I feel like. That's like where I was just like, if I'm with my girlfriend, we had to have like a rule where I would just be like, wait a second, I have to write this bit down. And I would have all these bits and the next day I'd be like, this is. Oh, it is drunk. I've done that too.

Sometimes it's good though. Like I think it makes me think everything's funnier. Like I'll watch comedies when I'm high and I'm like, this is brilliant. Like a movie. Yeah. And the same thing with my thoughts where like I think when I have a slightly funny thought, I'm like, amazing. I see the funny more clearly. And the bar is too low.

It's not all good. But it lets me feel the funny. I've done that on Molly where I thought I wrote an entire new hour in the course of the four-hour trip. And all unusable. I shit you not. All of it was about cruise ships and Gen X ruined it and there's no more credit. Oh, God. It was a whole rant.

You've had hours since your special where your promo, you say, hey, guys, it's going to be all new. It's going to be rough. Come on to the irvine improv and i'm like yeah i hope to be there someday because i i i feel like if i said that less people than the three that came out like you're very you're very bold to say to set i set the expectations on stage i'll be out there like here's some new but in your promo you're like guys it's gonna be a rough ride. I think everything is just a strategy is I have to be open and honest because I already look like a dick. It's good to let them know because sometimes you'll lose an audience because they're like, do they know this is not good? So you have to be like, I do know just so we all are aware.

I also think there's people out there that like that's an exciting thing to them to be like, okay, like I know the polished thing. I've seen that. Like it's, you know, they're a comedy fan. I like to do it as a cop out. Cause now I can actually explore it. If it doesn't go well,

it's like, well, I'm just having fun and trying new stuff. And I think it's something I stole from Conan growing up, watching him. I was like, Oh, the best stuff was when a joke fell flat and him,

him commenting on that. That being said, that is a terrible strategy and you shouldn't rely on bombing because, especially if you're showcasing around town, your own show is kind of fun if it's not going well,

but if you've got 15 minutes and you're eating shit for seven of that, you can't get them back. It's not enough time. I said the one line someone told me was from an open mic where this comic was bombing and in the halfway through he said, you want to

see my impression of a comic turning it all around halfway through a set? And I thought that was a good saver. That's a good line. I have a couple of those savers. You gotta let them go at some point though. I bombed at Chelsea Music Hall and I was pulling out all my savers of like,

wow, this is the best I've actually ever done on stage. Stuff like that. Just being overly confident and committing, and they just hated me from the jump. It was a full bomb. This old guy, the guy they added a guest spot on, without asking, he was doing rough, and he said to the audience, he said,

come on on guys, this isn't Wordle. You only got one shot. That was his saver. Oh no. And it got the biggest laugh of the night just because he said Wordle. I know! It's just the reference. That's some Dennis Miller comedy right there. This is the Wordle over at Putin's

house with Margaret Thatcher. You guys are sleeping like sleepy Joe Biden. I did an improv jam on marijuana and that was the worst because I got made fun of the whole time and I didn't have enough self confidence at 19 to be like

oh I got fucked up on an edible before this. Which else is another great cop out line that people say say i have too high for this um but uh that was miserable and i still have i still like cringe thinking about that you did experience you did christian improv uh i did yes just because you were allowed to perform for free because i had no money i had four restaurant jobs and I worked at an after hours nightclub.

What are the rules of Christian improv? Yes and? And God. Yeah, like all the premises. Right. Like religious. Yeah, you could do callbacks

but only three days later. Oh. It was free. It was like in someone's house, like a backyard. It was a barn. And In someone's house Like a backyard It was a barn And then they moved to Mosaic

The church That's My girlfriend's Her management company Is Mosaic And I was like Is this the roots Of Mosaic management

No there's an LA church That like Dax Shepard goes to And There's like A whole friend group And it's like Yeah if you're like

Religious Like the pastor's gay It's cool Yeah But It was just free classes and the rules are essentially you just don't swear you couldn't do anything dirty really you could like suggest sex but you couldn't it's like tv rules essentially just for the the two listeners who haven't seen your special yeah you can't you grew up in a cult is that the word yeah you use yeah a religious a religious cult yeah uh and how how do you feel about what do you think happens to celebrities where they join a church at the peak of their fame what is it that they're what is that it's

either that or a charity it's something to you have so much free time once you start doing well and so much exposure that you are asked to comment on things. And there's just PR girls that tell you it's a good idea to get involved in a cause or to be behind something because they're essentially building a brand. And, I mean, Christians is a huge market. if you could play that uh or whatever you're into do you think how cynical like i mean i'm thinking chris pratt in my head yeah this where i'm like how much of it is real belief for me the idea even at my loosest where i think of uh my idea of a guru or a holy man or someone who's like is in tune with nature yeah anyone who's like catering to celebrities that's an automatic disqualification in my mind for you're the real deal is is purposely reaching out to yeah if my pastor's justin bieber's person and chris pratt's person i'm like

okay this guy's not in it for the right but do you think that's what i feel about acting classes too it's like why or la is filled with that shit a lot of uh cults are just essentially failed acting classes or the other way around why was part of an acting studio where it went through the cult trajectory of the studio started to fail, and she had the followers, and then she had the people who disbanded, and she fired them, and they became villains. It's this whole same trajectory.

And you have to kiss up to the teacher, and they talk for hours. They give sermons, essentially, about acting. But they were talented. The thing is, there is something. There is something you're getting from it. I think you're getting just what you get out of a show or an open mic. You are getting the chance to do it.

It's such an unnatural thing for you to walk into a room and say words that are not yours on a script that you just learned hours before. So as much as you can do that, the better you're going to be at it, and then acting classes give you that opportunity. But if you could just run scenes with a bunch of actor friends, I don't think that would be the worst thing in the world.

Um, and now it's even worse. It's all zoom auditions, the worst, uh, and, and just self tapes, which is the biggest problem is like,

okay, it's not their time. It's now your time. So they're like, do all 14 scenes. We'll watch the first 30 seconds of scene two. It should be two pages, two pages max. That's my rule. And then you have to bother your girlfriend, wife, or husband.

Oh, we had to make a rule. My girlfriend and I, there are no more self-tapes. We also got in a fight about that. It was the lowest of, I mean, it was, because it's just such an act of like it's all about me I have to lock and I have animals too so

and that what drives me nuts is that you know it's a one bedroom apartment and like just

so many takes ruined because one of them makes a noise or walks into the thing or so I've had to like create both of them

like while it's happening because it's like it's do you rehearse out loud uh no I'll try to like I's do you rehearse out loud? Uh, no, I'll try to like,

I'll try to rehearse in the bedroom and then, then kick my wife out to, to then record in the, the, the meanest thing when, when Tova and I, before we even started dating, we were just like flirting and all these things, like the fucking scene comes in.

This was like during COVID. So I wasn't seeing a lot of people. Yeah. And the scene was like a romantic scene where it was just like, I love you saying, I love you like three times people. Yeah. And the scene was like a romantic scene where it was just like, I love you saying, I love you like three times to the person. And she, she remembers it as like a very probably cruel moment on my part,

but it was just convenient for me where I was like, Hey, person that we're kind of flirting with, but we're not going to hook up. Here's a scene where I say, I love you three times and I'm going to act like I really mean it. Oh, I have done that too.

I've done that. And yeah, it does feel a little shitty, but it's also like, yeah, but kind of winning you over not my own words but yeah you are playing that and then selfishly i'm like it's this helps that it's not a casting director of course 35 year old guy this is someone i actually love and this helps um um so i feel like are you exhausted of telling your your story you've told your story so much no uh yeah it sounds like i this is like no one's asking for it um but uh no i'm not exhausted of it because there's so much i don't understand and the problem uh with the call it wasn't

the hardest part was not being a kid going through that. Well, that's what I was curious because you talk about – was it working at the grocery store? Was it the first time you hung out with people that were your age? So just to set up the background of it because you might not know the full thing. So you went around in a van. We were in a bus, like a Greyhound bus that my parents traded a bunch of junk for. They didn't even have money to buy it. And it was a mix of Judaism and Catholicism. But there's no pastor, no rabbi.

Are you circumcised? Yes. Yes. Yeah. But since we didn't believe in hospitals, yeah, we just went to a Jewish temple in Ohio. And it was the rabbi's first time doing it is what I'm told and he had too much ceremonial wine

and he started just like freaking out he was like I'm just too nervous to do this he got halfway through and it's Ohio so there's not a bunch of Jewish temples on every corner so they drove four and a half hours to another temple to finish the job. Are you're halfway hanging off?

No, it's all off now. No, no, no. But like then. But yes, then. Or at least one incident. Oh yeah, that was the thing. Is it halfway off now? Yeah, and I'm not screaming.

I'm constantly screaming. I can only sit like this. It's all off. Don't worry. I got it off on the way up here. I hadn't thought to fix it. At 6.30 today, I was peeling it it off and it grows over like snake skin i can't halfway halfway through he's like not too nervous four and a half hours four and a half hours to the

next temple that would i guess see us on on you know such short notice of like you got to finish the job i'm imagining the negotiations that went on with your parents just being like just try to finish like because like where do they even do this at the temple like is there a room for this like the bris room yeah like there's an actual like medical room that's sterilized definitely no definitely or there's like they're so young whatever happens if they get infection they'll grow out of it i yeah i wonder if your parents like please finish it or whether they're like his hands were like this and they're like you of it. Yeah, I wonder if your parents were like, please finish it or whether they were like, his hands were like this and they're like, you know what?

We're going to go. That's probably someone's bit already, but like the first person to cut it off. I don't think there's that many people that have had this happen. No, I don't think they've been circumcised twice. You're probably screaming. It's like that Nathan For You bit.

Oh, yeah, it was probably scream crying. That's what they do at it. Yeah, it was so young. No one filmed this, did they? I have the tape. Let's show a clip at it. Yeah, it was so young. No one filmed this, did they? I have the tape. Let's show a clip. Let's cut to a clip. Yeah.

It's like the Terminator scene where they split the Quicksilver guy in half. So you're in the bus with your parents. They go to temples. I wonder how many temples they went to where they're like, you know, it's Sunday. A real Jesus story of like going around to different mangers. Oh my God. And then, yeah, so we're going around

and trying to street preach, which is going on the street. Wait, this isn't, wait, we haven't finished the circumcised story. Oh. I thought you were, you're like in the middle of this, you're street preaching.

Like our son is the chosen one. Yeah, and it's hacked off and that's an attention grabber. And then people are like, oof, I got to hear more. So they found a person eventually who did the rest. Yes. And this is a story that keeps being told in my family, like it's a cute thing.

Or it's just like, oh, that's the facts of us. It's how mom and dad met. Yeah, so I learned that very early on. Is there anywhere at Scar there you ever looked like, if you could see the dick? Like, one was a little bit zigzaggy? No, I think it looks fine. I mean, the dick is already so, the skin's so weird. Your guy's is ripply, right?

Like a Ruffles chip? Definitely. All the way around? Yeah. I do remember the first time I watched a pornography with an uncircumcised man and not, no one had ever, I'd never seen that. I had never seen that. So I remember just seeing the skin move thing and I was like, wait, what's that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, he's this baggy. Gross. He's got JNCO jeans on his dick. I think it probably feels better though. The head's too sensitive in my opinion. And I think it's because that skin is supposed to be there. It's too weird now to like, if I a kid to to i guess keep it but it's just it's it is insane that that

comes off even it's a it's a part of your body it it is one of those things first of all if you post anything online about circumcision joke or not there are very passionate groups about like this is baby mutilation yeah but i think it is a strange thing of where it's like when i think when i think about my son i do think of this idea of like oh i'd want him to be circumcised and it's because aesthetically i'm happy that i'm circumcised yeah but that's like that's its own myriad of like fucked up yeah things right of where the culture's at and what's acceptable i i one time someone was talking, I feel like you were there, but maybe more, and they were like,

well, I fight a son I'd want to circumcise. So they said I'd want to circumcise so we both look the same. I was like, how often are you and your dad comparing your penises together? It was ball games. That's where you see your father's dick. Every ball game. Your son would roast you

or would I roast my son? Get clipped. We're like in a lot of circumstances where both of us are just putting our penises right next to this is the Instagram clip. Circumcision because you can just play to that very specific community. Christian's too broad. There's no such thing as

mainstream success anymore. It's just about finding your niche audience and I think it's circumcision is the way to go because you're right. I have a big Jewish audience that's probably very passionate about. There's just people that are not even Jewish that have you seen how to with john wilson the hbo there's a whole episode where uh he just is he's like in union square and he sees this truck uh where people are essentially street preaching about uh you should keep the foreskin and you're

mutilating a baby and he goes to this guy's home. It's like a 65 year old guy. And he's got a weight that he wears on his dick and they show it, they show everything. And he, he's trying to stretch out the foreskin to get it back. I know. And then he's got a contraption that he sleeps on. And this is a hundred percent real.

He's where he's laying on his bed and he's bottomless in this and the but shirt shirt on shirts on it socks are on too the grossest look that's so you know he's a father and he clips it to the headboard and then there's a thing that stretches why he sleeps he really and is it working is this working i it looks a little bit baggier than mine so yeah but that's right like if you if i have a shirt that shrinks, if I pull on it, it's not like it fixes the problem. It just looks like a stretched out shirt.

Yeah. I, exactly. It's insane. And he's like, my wife gets mad cause it makes a clinking metal sound when I roll over at night. And it's like,

that's why she's mad. That's why not your bottomless and you're stretching your dick. Oh, so, but, but, uh, if you have a son yeah i don't want

him to be the martyr of of like bringing back foreskin so yeah it's just i would ask a doctor what's the statistics right now i think it seems like talking to people it seems like it's not as much like it's not as highly as it used to be that people circumcise sure but still if you watch just porn talking to people with like 18 year old guys in it um then yeah they're circumcised so it's still happening yes it's still a very relevant thing yeah because that's a young person that you hope is 18 and i i think that i yeah i don't want them to be the one that's like leading this movement so it's like it's much easier as a kid even though logically it doesn't make sense there's the one that's leading this movement. So it's much easier as a kid. Even though logically it doesn't make sense. There's the argument that it's cleanly. But it's not 1912 where we're shitting in the ground.

There's soap. There's ASAP that they could use. And it'd be fine. You're not going to get polio from an inch of skin. But it does look weird. I had a question. So you go four and a half hour are you so you is this bus where you're living as well at the time okay yeah so they ripped the seats out of it and my dad converted it himself uh i just there's no like

youtube tutorials so you got blueprints from a community that does this. And there's three families in the cult. And they're all in a bus. And they all kind of chose their own area. There's my great uncle. He's the one that really started this whole thing. And he's international. He eventually traded the bus for a boat.

So they could go overseas. And then there's another family that just stayed in Texas. Was that family of your uncle's age? They were our age. Those were the only kids that we ever knew. Was that the extent of the cult?

Just those three families? Just those three families. But you're street pre... That's like this podcast in a way go and study you know we're not losing anyone we haven't lost any listeners eventually they'll have kids and maybe and maybe the 28 yeah in to the best of my knowledge there was no one converted that wasn't made in the womb of an already member. But was the goal with the preaching to get

people to join? Yeah. And then it wasn't such a hard goal, which is probably part of the problem. You should be out there just testifying for God. And when people would spit at us or throw cups of beer or moon my dad

because we were going out to spring break and you know the most receptive kids. You go to MTV spring break and advance your dad. We actually did do that. This was a sin by the way. Outside of Club La Vila. Yeah. How old were you at the time of this? Oh I mean this is from I was two to at least ten. Okay. We were doing this. And what were you holding the sign? Were you saying stuff? Yeah, because it was more powerful if the younger kids say something.

So we would even be pushed to go up to people in Walmart and testify for God. So, I mean, it's insane when a kid comes up to you.

It's adorable and you're immediately open. You're like, oh my God, hi. What do you want, little buddy? And I would just,

not knowing what it meant, just be like, you're head off you're like oh my god hi what do you want little buddy and i was just not knowing what it meant just be like you're head off to hell and and they'd be like what that you're going to hell and then my dad would have to back me up or my mom and then explain more and then we would give them a pamphlet i gotta say as a cult tactic, to start with a child, you're going to hell. Yeah. People would scream at us of like, how could you do this to your kids? It's fine if you want to do this fucked up thing. And in your head, what was, what did you think when people said that?

That, oh, they're going to hell, so it doesn't matter. Yes, everyone's an outsider. Few will be saved, like in the days of Noah, which honestly gave me a lot of anxiety growing up uh of like oh only i kept looking up the number it was like eight people that were saved and i started doing a head count on my siblings i was like why are we out there street preaching that's that's competition that if only few are going to be saved like why are we trying to to get more people involved in this um and were you asking those kinds of questions or were you just like no no

it's terrified terrified we were all spanked um uh too old they tell us 14 14 and now what do you when you say spank do you mean bare bottom bare bottom with a wooden paddle that had Bible verses like etched into it. Like John 3.16 that we would have to etch in there. And then, yeah, it would just be like a...

You had to design your own weapon of torture. Oh my God. So 14, it was a dad or mom? Mom most of the time. Thank God. My mom is definitely the one

that wears the pants of the family. She's the really strong one. And I think a big part of the reason that wears the pants of the family. She's the really strong one. And I think a big part of the reason that we, it's her uncle that started this. And she says, come over here. And my dad is kind of just a, sort of a pushover, sort of a very lax, very smart guy. So it's odd, but he's like very conflict averse. So it was just like, yeah, okay, I'll do it.

And so she'd say, said come here you take off your pants take off your underwear too yeah and just one-handed just like like this over here one-handed uh when she started bodybuilding that got that got awful yeah you're not oh i thought this was a joke no she started bodybuilding she started uh getting very in shape yeah she uh so according to her and i can't verify this um my dad she's like she also had no friends so she would tell me things i can't imagine why all the time she would tell me things that you shouldn't say to an eight-year-old boy she's like your father hasn't touched me in eight years um uh you know what's gay when i met him oh my god so he's just gay it says he's like go away my mom

did that after the divorce too uh uh well she would say stuff where i my mom does listen to podcasts i was like right mom is the one that listens to this oh do you get corrected on it but i'm saying like when parents go through, they often turn to their children to share things that in an ideal world, they wouldn't tell you. You would tell someone older than you or your age as a, yeah. That's how you learn about the birds and the bees. Let me tell you how sex works. It's what your father hasn't done to me in 10 years.

But that's how cults work is they isolate you from everyone and they give justification for it that everyone's going to hell we were not allowed to talk to any other kids because that would corrupt you is your dad alive yeah is he is he gay no now he's with a woman um but and he doesn't deny it that um i just don't think he's that he himself. I mean, maybe bi, but he's, or was just experimenting in college. But when I see him, like, that's a gay guy. He's like, he's like, if I ever wrote him in the show, people would just be like, oh, you're just ripping off Tobias from Arrested Development. Sure.

It's just that. You get like Billy Eichner to play him and they're like, okay. Okay. It's that same energy. It's that awkward energy. and they're like yeah okay it's that same energy it's that awkward energy um you know part of it is like he just wasn't around growing up so i get why we're uncomfortable in front of each other but yeah he's always standing up and like massaging his hands like typical gay guy always massaging his hand long jorts big hand. Long jorts. Big old boots.

Yeah. So, yeah. So, he was just, like, along for the ride, essentially. And, like, he would get in trouble for not street preaching loud enough. He was uncomfortably yelling. Did your mom ever spank him? Yes. That was the one time he got touched.

No. No. No, they would fight a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that was not. They didn't get get they weren't in love they got pregnant that i so in according to her he wanted to essentially like fuck the gay away to be like i feel this way but if i just have sex that might i don't know might cure it

and that one time he had sex he got a girl pregnant uh with a woman so then they had to get married because they were very religious and it was a very rushed like shotgun wedding was she was she in the cult first yes and then he was just religious in general he grew up in a christian household yeah and then and they were in a band together they were in a christian rock band in college. And she played drums and he played guitar. What was the name of the band? I have no idea.

I have no idea. That would be great to know. But yeah, so that's how they met. And she was like this hot little piece in high school. She was always running. She was very in shape. I think she was a homecoming queen blonde hair very charismatic as a person very charismatic everything i know about dealing with people is is directly from her natural grifter could get anything she wants um

and uh yeah so i think she was able to talk my dad into this and then he didn't really push back he's a natural grifter but didn't recognize the con of the cult itself I don't know I think grifting I mean it gets complicated because you're talking about ideology and

versus oh let's scam the government to get more welfare. Yeah. Or, you know, let's just shoplift. In my head, those are two separate things. And a cult or MLM is a much more complicated, long scheme that's a little more diabolical than someone that's just, I don't know, pickpocketing people on the street, which we never did. It was just, yeah, it was like fudging paperwork for stuff because we were never in school,

so we had to get paperwork to get the government off our backs. Yeah, so then we would just go out and yell at people on the street. Sometimes they would yell back. Sometimes people would just ignore you. And would you go home and be like, that was a good day? Yeah. Someone didn't spit at us today. A lot of the stuff in the Bible backs it up as far as like,

yeah, people will persecute you. And that's how you know you're on the right path. But like, did they feel like good days and bad days? Cause they all sound like bad days to me. I, they remember all bad days.

I mean, whenever I talked to my mom, she's like, remember the good times? It's like, we get, that's not the issue. It was the awful days. That's what she's like, remember the good times? It's like, yeah, that's not the issue. It was the awful days.

She's like, you guys only remember the bad days. Yeah, that's how that works. Yeah. It is tough if you're going out there every day and never adding a new member. Yeah. To not feel like it's a failure. Right. You're like, every day we're going out to recruit to find people to believe in this.

And every day you didn't do that. There's also no way to track it. Yeah. If anyone signed up. Because there's no compound. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no, like, we're all going to go live with the Branch Davidians. Yes.

In Texas. It's just, everyone's in a bus. We're moving around. You're talking to these people. They're like, oh, cool. And they could be rolling their eyes when they turn. Or they could, I don't know, be members. But you could write them. Yeah. Sometimes they would call in the payphone this is very rare

but there's no internet there's no way to be like oh our numbers are up right yeah so very if you could really visualize it with twitter you'd be like okay this is not good yeah yeah if you put that in perspective like when a brand reaches out and they're like you want to sponsor oh no no no you're not doing well or you get those spam messages your cult's gonna sponsor you get those spam messages where it's like you you should have more followers you should have 79 000 followers and they have four yeah and i was like but did this work for you yeah at least reach out from a bot account that you bought followers from you have no followers so then you you go to this grocery store at what age at 16 so the whole time we were not allowed to work or be involved in

anything that was worldly because that would corrupt you so that's really what made us so poor is never being in the workforce i think a lot of this would be solved if my mom just got a job at denny's how much moving around are you doing? Like what states are you going to? Ohio, North Carolina, back to Ohio, Michigan, Florida, Alabama. And then the cult kind of fell apart the same time that my parents' marriage fell apart. So they stopped traveling as much. Okay.

And then we just ran out of money. So my dad got a job in construction. This is when you're 16? No, no, no. This is earlier, like during their divorce run. He was 11. Okay. And then, yeah. So then in the middle of the night, my mom moves us to California and then calls my dad from a pay phone and is like, hey, we're out of there. Do you remember that moment did you know that you were that your dad was about to in for a nasty surprise uh i was just like she had shit talked him so much that there was no pushing back i was just afraid and i was like yeah well that's

i'm going here um you know i didn't choose to be like you you know what would be great is California. But yeah, we just knew that he was the enemy. He was the enemy. So he also stopped paying child support. That made things more difficult. Then we moved across the country, and he's like, I can't find you guys. He was ordered to pay child support. It sounds like neither of them had much money to begin with. Exactly.

So it wasn't much. I think it was two hundred dollars a month for five kids uh that's nothing um but yeah so yeah he never paid so we got on welfare and then he said that he came to california to like he drove around we weren't even in hollywood but yeah we were in like long beach area and he was just like driving around uh he said he's trying to find us um asking people did a little kid tell you to go to hell today yeah did something adorable so then i got a job at 16 because our our cult leader came into town now we're living in the desert of california and this is your great uncle yeah uh-. And essentially completely gaslit my mom.

I was like, what are you doing? What are you doing? You got to get into the workforce. You got to, you guys, how could you focus on God or anything if you don't have money? You don't have jobs. So then we all got jobs. And then, so we essentially all got grocery store jobs. My brother worked at Lowe's.

And I got a job at a grocery store that had a trash compactor, which is very important. Why? Very important. Oh, so my mom wouldn't pick the trash. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that was, like, humiliating. I mean, she would already come in and buy a bunch of mustard and chicken. Because she would put that in a blender she put a whole thing of mustard a whole tube of mustard and and then just blend up uh chicken breast cooked chicken breast and then

just drink that drink that yeah drink that drink mustard and chicken yes what's in must is that too much salt does mustard have salt in it that doesn't sound like it's a healthy thing it's got too much of something it's got too much mustard i would say it's a healthy thing. It's got too much of something. It's got too much mustard. I would say. It's not something that's happening. The mustard intake is through the roof. I've seen a lot of weird workout meal prep things, but never. Wait, that was part of her workout thing? Yeah.

Yeah. You should just have protein. She doesn't eat for joy. She would just always have spinach and just be like dipping it in sour cream. If you had blended chicken breast with mustard, I'd have a sip. Yeah. I'd have a sip. It doesn't sound like the worst thing in the world.

It depends how much mustard. If we're talking like. Yeah, it would be like one of those fancy ice cream places where they have like olive oil flavor. Would it be hot or would it be cold? I think. It is cold. I don't like that. I don't like that.

It makes me really sick though. I think. Yeah. It was like a chicken salad. It was like a chicken salad. The closer we get to chicken salad that's not yeah so fine yeah because it is it is like it's a pace like you're in the hospital um and that grocery store is that the the big like change for you i part of it just could be

age be more sentient and yeah puberty body hitting puberty and just the way you feel like the way i felt about this girl's like my body's exploding with did they have a plan for procreation i mean obviously your mom found someone did they expect you eventually to no no it's just like you don't because there's no one yeah it's it's like your dick's fucked up anyway don't even bother yeah there's no like who would we hook up with? The other families? That's odd. Yeah. So no, there was never a talk about it. It was just like, well, God's going to end the world anyway.

So why would you even think about that? We always felt like God was going to end the world. That exaggerated, probably like two or three months. Really? It's going to be Armageddon. Did you ever pick a date? No. Those freak me out. I said it once.

I was going on a plane and there was some kind of call where they had you know doomsday is pop up on their t-shirt and something about it on the plane yeah they were going on the plane to yourself you know it's not gonna happen of course but they always have an excuse i forget who the famous there was a couple like during when i was in high school and they freaked me the fuck out but i remember them getting on the plane and i i had this like horrible fear that like because in a way i felt like well these people could be terrorists because they're great they're yeah and luckily the date wasn't that day i mean if the day was that day of the flight right and it was if the flight gets delayed because it's fucking delta then they're like oh we got to get new shirts and everything. Blame the lack of Armageddon on Delta.

Yeah, I don't know why people would pick a date, but I guess that's just more eye-catching to do it instead of being vague about it. In your head, were you justifying like, oh, it's been three years since I thought it was going to be two months? It was evil to question that. You shouldn't question God's will

because it means you're not a believer or whatever. So I was like, oh, fuck. That's fine. You take your time, God. But it was like all the scary parts of Revelation happening in real time. Oh, fuck. That is, what's that going to feel like? Yeah.

Did you have in your head, like, were you like, oh, it's going to feel good. I'm going to be sucked up into the sky. it's so scary have you read revelation no i'm so happy i'm so because i'm an existential kid to begin with and i've talked to my friend i talked to a friend where he told me every time he masturbated he would he would start crying because he thought he was going to hell and i'm like man if i if i thought i was going to hell every time i masturbate because you're gonna be the roughest fucking high school believe that so you know i mean like you really believe it you have to and on some level i was doing sit-ups and it accidentally went off um you know it was like like uh sit-up bars that you do i don't think they make them anymore but

i was doing sit-ups and like my stomach hurt uh rock hard and I just kept doing it. I was like, I don't understand this feeling. I haven't felt this. Probably 12. Yeah. And then, yeah, it was like I was essentially the first orgasm. And then I found out what that was. And I was like, I got to do that again. But then was just overwhelmed with guilt.

Would be in an absolute depression. But when it first happened, did you know like, Oh, this is the sin thing? No. Yeah. There wasn't a lot of sex ed. Um, that first, that I remember my first,

like very clearly, very distinctly. I remember, I remember thinking like, Oh, I was late at night. I was alone in a room comforter. And I just remember thinking like,

Oh, if I just have a room and a comforter, for whatever reason, that was like part of the thing that I will be content for the rest of my life. Like there was something very- I think it was an easy thing, like a comforter and not something that- Right, like a gun in your mouth.

Yeah. I just need a gun in my mouth, loaded or unloaded, I don't want to know. It's part of it for me. Hitting my fillings and I kick't come a knife to my wrist yeah i'm glad i don't have any weird sex stuff because there's so many things where it could have taken a turn are you ever doing crunches and you're like yeah yeah rock hard abs rock hard abs um yeah so it was a thing where I, the thing that, this almost sounds like a premise of a joke, but I do miss the orgasms from the guilt time.

Because you're essentially edging yourself and, no, no, no, I don't come, it doesn't count. And then that felt so great in the moment. Because you're not jerking off every day. It's not like today, I work it into my schedule. I got a headache, this will make it go away um or like i i'm going on a date so like i want later to be well so yeah uh you do the pre-date yeah jerk so i do miss that sure yeah but not the like four hours of spiraling guilt that would happen after oh god yeah misery um so so you you worked with this girl who's your age yeah and was she was like the first was she your first friend outside of this thing

yeah absolutely i think that's what it was mainly it was i i think you're just horny because you're 16 17 so you're like anyone that's a girl person is the one for me that's the one but i think if i am looking back and i was just she was just a really nice person uh i was really intelligent you still friends uh no no not really i mean we're still friendly yeah but like facebook friends are like i might get a happy birthday every once in a while but um yeah it was just someone like hearing my own beliefs bounced off of a smart intelligent sweet person and just watching her eyes take that information in but you think there's horsemen that are going to come down this fire but you were saying this to people all the time and getting that kind of reaction i

didn't care about those people you didn't care about them i cared about her uh yeah i really cared about her and i wanted to do things that made her feel good i could you know get her her favorite candy or switch my shift so i could work with her yeah um so yeah i cared about her i cared the way that made her feel when i when i said these things so that was the first time that i was like oh this just doesn't make sense with how I feel in my bones at the molecular level. This is bullshit. It's we're beyond faith. It's a feeling.

And then that was enough. And I, yeah, I tried to tell her as much as I could that I was in love with her. I think I told her three times. She said no every time. But was still like very flirty about it and i mean part of the time is like she had a boyfriend so it was that shitty guy sure right let me work with you you sneaky around um but she was like the shittiest guys that she was with and then um yeah we were really great friends. And I think I did eventually, we eventually did hook up.

But I was so overwhelmed. Yes, I was so fucked up. I think I was with another girlfriend. And this girl, the one I was in love with, had come back into town. She had just broken up with her college boyfriend. And we didn't do anything but we went out which is essentially kind of a date um and i was like oh i still feel that way about her and i don't feel that way about this other girl yeah so i told the girl that i was in

love with we should just call it a b we need a name um so let's call her john john marco so great i didn't want to suggest it myself so the girl i'm in love with is john marco and i tell her again that night that i'm in love with you and i want to be with you even though i have a girlfriend and she's like well no i don't think we could do that we're past that and i i still told that other girl that we should stop seeing each other, even though I got to know. Yeah, let's call her Russell. And I told fucking Russell. I've never felt that way about you, Russell. Yeah, what I did was that.

I was like, I don't think, yeah, I don't think I should do this to you. I don't feel this way about you that I feel about Jean-Marco. Yeah. And even though I already got a no. Even though I already got a no and I knew it wasn't going to happen, I was just like, well, yeah, it's just not fair to do. What's the point? And I was like into like being sad about this.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah. I knew I would have broken up. You know, it was so romantic. And then she was like, oh, I thought about it like a day later. And I didn't even tell her. Jean-Marco said this.

Yes. Yeah. Jean-Marco, this shifty bitch. Jean-Marco is like, yeah, thank you for talking to me. Let's go out. I was like,

yeah, could I take you out on a date? Very forward. And yeah, we went out on a date and we started having sex. It was so in my head

about this thing that- You had had sex before or this thing that you had had sex before or this is first? I had sex you had sex before yeah with Russell

you fucked Russell yeah a lot of sex with Russell very dangerous sex with Russell it's the only kind he has yeah it was great

it was great sex with Russell but it was yeah so I was already had sex before then you're like then it's this person that you've put up it was, yeah, so it was already had sex before. Then you're like, then it's this person that you've put up. It was pretty confident, which got me even more in my head of like, why the fuck? And then, oh, God, it's so weird.

It could be remembering this because it sounds conveniently poetic. But the second that we started having sex, she was no longer this ideal thing that I built up in my head, this indie movie girl, girl of my dreams. This was just a person. And that shook me so much. It was like, oh, this is just a person I liked. It wasn't even hot. And I couldn't get it up for the life of me. And this is someone I fantasized about.

I gave her a hug on my birthday. It would be hard. She goes like, ugh, touching you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, I was just just i couldn't get it up and we tried the next night and the same thing happened brutal and that's the worst what is going back in like oh yeah everyone has an off night this doesn't happen a lot fuck man i and yeah i had i had a similar i just remember being at that age and getting in my head with with someone I was seeing and I couldn't get up.

And it was truly, it was a life altering. It was just so viscerally shameful and understanding the pain that it could cause or how it could end the relationship. Yes. Yeah. And it's so embarrassing. It doesn't, yeah. What did she say? She was like really sweet about it, but I mean, that's so embarrassing. It doesn't, yeah. What did she say? Like, was she like?

She was, like, really sweet about it, but, I mean, that's almost worse. You know, yeah, we did, like, the half. The shove-in. The shove-in, yeah. Let's take the condom off. Maybe that'll help. That's bad with your game planning.

Also, I'm remembering, like, a lot of light in this room. It's very bright. And this is like becoming a human being in front of me. We're all just skin sacks. And she's so kind. And that's not the headspace you should be in. Oh, my God. Plus, there's no way you can be like, oh, this works all the time with Russell.

Yeah. Like you're like, you know, like you can't. Oh, yeah, exactly. You can't then bring that to, you know. And it worked so well. It worked as a problem, like it was getting in the way of things. I'm not getting shit done because it's all we're doing. Yeah. Um, so yeah, it's, that was the first time where I, yeah, I wish it could happen, but

every other time, like, could you not right now? Could we not be horny in the middle of the day when you have things to do? Um, yeah. So I, and I never, I didn't have the words yet or the intellect or the perspective to explain to her what that was. But I don't know if that makes it better. Yeah.

But yeah. You were 18 at this point? Yeah. At 18 being like, I think I've held you up on a pedestal my whole life. Yeah. Now you're becoming a human being in front of me, just flesh and death.

Yeah. The only words I had then is like, you have a lot more moles than I remember. But I didn't say that. Oh, my God. But that's what I was thinking. Had I known you had this many moles, I would not have fantasized about you. That was like, wow, there's a lot of moles on you. I guess I had never seen you this nude.

And it's just a lot. It's not bad. It's not good. It's more moles than I was imagining. Wow. But that was like solidified. I'm like, oh, this is just a person and not this ethereal pixie. Because pixies don't have a bunch of moles.

Wow. Oh my God. The only words you have at 18 are the shittiest words. A lot of moles. A lot of moles. Russell had no moles. Smooth.

Smooth. Smooth. Oh, that's so funny. Which one's the clit? Yeah. That's brutal. Yeah. So did you ever have,

did you ever, ever have sex with her? With Joe Mark? Yes. Yeah. How long were you trying? It was the two times. It was the two times.

And the second time you shoved it in. Shoved it in and eventually it worked. But it's not good for anyone. We're all just like, oh, it's happy. We're happy that's over. We did it. Yeah. That's not the feeling you want. overcomes and you just stopped kind of stop speaking after that yeah she went back to school she had to move out of that um because they had already broken up

boyfriend's place texas very complicated thing but yeah so there was never i didn't have the words and we were so far apart and then uh yeah no and i still haven't explained it to her part and then uh yeah no and i still haven't explained it to her well she's probably listening now i have the words and the moles are fine it's not bad it's not bad you should feel bad if you have moles yeah it's just it's human yeah it's i feel like it's kind of really bad the most no no i think you explained it the that you didn't have the right, you know, I think you explained it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's all good.

We're all good people here. We're all accepting. We don't judge people. We all have our weird thing. I have a split dick, you know. Yeah. It's like a two-headed snake. So we all have our flaws. Yeah.

And when did you learn to read? Still learning, honestly. I think 16, 17. were you reading the bible were you reading the thing spanking your ass like you could spell john 316 right uh no no i would just memorize stuff and it's how i i do stuff now i'll hear something or i'll read out a script for myself and then i'll just memorize it makes you a better listener but i don't know. They always try to sell you like, oh, dyslexic and dysgraphic people, you have an advantage. It's like, no, you just have to work harder.

And dysgraphic is what as opposed to dyslexia? It's the order of things. So if you were to tell me a phone number, I couldn't make the connection in my head to then write down that in order. And the dyslexia is just the way you see it work versus how you are computing the information and transmuting it into the mechanical method of writing. In dyslexia, you just see the whole word at once.

You don't see it in reading order, chronological order, whatever you read right to left. Your brain just sees the word as a shape. So you could see the word because, and it could be missing a C and it would be hard to see that that word's misspelled. This is why I never go after people on Twitter. You know, he has misspelling zings.

I'm just going to stay out of it. I mean, I will be honest as someone who spelling, I was always decent at when I see people misspell a lot. I, I absolutely judge it. I absolutely, in my head, there's a feeling of like,

oh, God. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't go away. There's no, you can't do the correcting thing because then you're an asshole. Yeah, no.

So you knew what I meant. Yeah. It's actually spelled, and it's like, okay. Yeah. Sure. So if you knew, then why correct it?

You know there's no edit button. What am I supposed to do with that information? Besides feel like shit. Yeah. Yeah. But it is a judgment thing because I do it too. I'm like, I'm not even right. It's spelled right.

That's so funny. 99% of things you read. This fucking idiot. Obama's misspelling word. Okay, Obama. You're reading the dictionary like,lling word okay Obama you're reading the dictionary like who wrote

this dictionary Webster's a fucking idiot you dumb piece of shit yeah how torturous is it with all the acting you're doing now I mean like

is it I guess I get rewarded for it like the only time I've ever booked something like the last show I did it's just on improv it's like what I bring to it

but where that really comes from it's Christian improv improv. It's like what I bring to it, but where that really comes from, it's Christian improv. It comes from just a defense mechanism of, oh, I don't have to memorize all the words if I can make something up. But I can get the general gist of it. It's going to be hard for me to pronounce every word

because I can't cold read. I can't do that thing where you're in the room, I forgot the line, I go down. And that'll happen to you sometimes in an audition where you will either forget or the casting director will be like oh you are not the love interest main guy you need to come in as gay best friend like based on just what you gave us yeah you are yeah hi my name is moses no you know what gay best friend i really like put a stink on it gay yeah um And then they're like, oh, just go outside here.

Take five minutes and just come back in and read this. I'm like, oh no, I can't. I can't do that. I'm going to need more time. And I'm just now having the language and the confidence to say like, no, I can't.

There's that famous act. There's some famous actor. I forget what he would do. He would go in. He'd act like, oh, I was given the wrong sides. He was given a different character and they go, okay, we'll take this outside and look over it. And oh I was given the wrong sides he was given a different character and they'd go

okay we'll take this outside and look over it and he actually did get the right sides but he would lie and then he'd go out for five minutes come back in

and nail the audition and they'd be like wow that guy's incredible wait what's the benefit of that so he would lie so he would work on an audition

he would work on an audition for A then he'd come and he'd go oh I got the sides for B and they'd go okay well here's

A's script go out take a couple minutes because he had set the bar so low like they're like they're like he just got it you know oh shit it's one of those stories like that like in any of those things you're like if that guy wasn't a famous person now that is doing well it's like it's a psycho it's a psycho like if i heard that leaving her phone behind recording to hear the notes is psycho. Yeah. Oh, I didn't hear. My favorite, there was a casting director documentary. And this is when I was just an actor.

And every actor was like, this casting director documentary is so important. And I'm like, these casting directors don't care that you're kissing their ass on social media right now. Oh, yeah. Liking everything. Congrats on the new puppy. Yeah. That's not going to book you on This Is Us. You're not going to get a co-starring

on this is us but there was this this cast director was talking about some famous movie star and they were like this was so cute he dressed up like he was from ups and he dropped off a package and it was his headshot and resume and that's how he got his thing to us and i'm like i would be blacklisted holy shit so quickly you have a story about a comedian that tried a very bold move and it did not work oh i can't wait to hear i'm very excited um well let's let's go to our next segment uh this has got to stop this has got to stop this has got to stop we talk about something that's a great jingle that's thank you it was made by douglas goodheart oh he didn't meet douglas oh you didn't meet doug he's

a member it wasn't in the show last saturday um do you have a good now defunction ucb yeah um was the show good you have a good time oh yeah i had a great time he was great it's so great to like it's such a warm room it feels like union hall that space is is the space it's great i think that's really when ucb apart. Not all the sexual predators. It was really losing that space, that home base that was so cool and such a great room. Because it doesn't really work. It doesn't make sense with all those pillars. And I heard they're tearing it down.

But I think they say that every year. Then I heard they're not anymore. Yeah, I think it's this folklore thing. It riles the town up like an 80s movie. I'm like, we need to save this with the make-off.y poehler's spreading that rumor she's going around yeah her eternal town shell corp bought it yeah it's hers um so do you have a thing uh societal personal anything that's got to stop i think personal but i don't know if this affects everyone but it's okay um comedians posting clips of themselves bombing,

but I don't think they know that they're bombing. Let me delete something really quick. Yeah. Yes. It's happening now because we're no longer performing for what people like. It's just performing for the algorithm, and it rewards consistency. It's just being there every day. And I think in the quest for that, people just like well anything could be a clip you just got

to get one every day yeah so they're scraping the bottom of the barrel and also you have to save stuff if people ever pay to come see you so the good stuff is like you know the show and you a burnable crowd work moment but now it's gotten so. And I just mean like in the last two months, because the money's there, they're paying for this. These algorithms are paying. I'm incentivized. I'm put,

I'm like, I get scared where I'm like, was this crowd work good enough? Did I just want to clip? I'm trying to sell tickets. Right. It's hard. And it's just being there sometimes.

And like, look at Brendan Schaub. He doesn't have a joke you could quote or, you know, his friends don't even be like, yeah, this guy's great, but he's just being there sometimes. And like, look at Brendan Schaub. He doesn't have a joke you could quote. Or, you know, his friends would always be like, yeah, this guy's great. But he's just always around. He's always putting stuff out. I was just telling him the big room was a UFC guy too. These UFC guys are taking over. That's a thing now?

Holy shit. I don't know what it is. The UFC. I mean, it's probably just Joe Rogan created it. Yeah. But there must be something about, you see, you need like an intense high and they're only,

you know, they're only wrestling for two minutes so they need an intense high for a little amount of work and that's stand up. And it is like a dog wearing clothes where it's like, oh,

it's cute because like a tough guy's doing this dorky thing. Yeah. It has that novelty to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Big strong guy, he's doing it. That's cute. I just remember, people were ripping apart Brendan Schaub's new special. I just remember his first strong guy. He's doing it. That's cute. People are ripping apart Brandon Chobb's new special. I just remember his first one, which was on Showtime. Some joke would be like, to women, I'm well-dressed, but

to guys, I'm gay. That was in the trailer. That was in the trailer. That was the trailer. That's like, tune in for more. Tune in for more. It's also the clothes jokes. You put that on. I know you think I dress like a, like a,

like a substitute teacher on diarrhea day. It's like, well, you put that diarrhea dress on you idiot. Don't wear that. You idiot. That's what people have. People have versions of this where they go.

Uh, my landlord came up to me and he was like, Hey, what are you doing, buddy? I don't know. I made him sound like a Brooklyn,lyn uh gangster and i'm like yeah you did because you fucking did it you just did it and you did it a thousand times like that yeah it's hard not to get taken out when you when you notice that kind of thing you're like yeah and i we all have versions of like acting things yeah but like the acting, when you rush through it or you don't act it well,

you feel it. You feel it real tough. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I think, yeah, I think that's a moment like people are uncomfortable doing act out

so it's a way to qualify it. I'm like, I know that song. That song is like, wasn't super talented. Dan Perlman had a bit where it's like, he's like, where are you from?

New York. You hear how he said New York? Like, I'm from New York, buddy. And he just said New york oh that's like a regular human being just use any city and then someone just goes uh of course you are redding pennsylvania i knew it and it always gets a laugh yeah yeah and unironically they're just like anyone in that town is like he is he is from that part of town that we know um but i i just think it's it's actively hurting them i think we're always very competitive with each other and it's like i hope

who what does this person have i don't have i i'm genuinely coming at this with like this is bad for you you shouldn't do it whatever money you're getting from instagram and their incentive for reels yeah um it's it's you are putting bad stuff out there i mean i think i remember the beginning first year in i put some stuff out because you get like you get a medium laugh and in that time you're like whoa that was amazing the world needs to see this and i'm thankful i i like it wasn't like this back then because if it had been this rewarded followers like it would have been hard to stop and I you know I lean towards

posting as it is but at least I have a couple years to like I've never seen this from you I mean I it's from other people it's the most low res clip yeah it doesn't even look good I get it if it's like oh I thought this looked good and it's i this

is why i think it might be too inside because i think some people just don't know what a laugh is and what like a short i recognize that you're talking and i'm at a live show and i'm in the room and that's what the laugh is that's what i'm hearing from people it's like a yeah labored huh i wish i could go back to the times that I thought I crushed and listen back now like first year in and be like oh I did okay and my bombs when I was like that didn't go great I'm sure it was like silence

I also feel like there's a couple times there was a couple laughs in there it was not I've noticed a couple times lately too people comedians have shared like an audience member filmed something and then they shared it and i'm like why would you a of all why did that audience member film that part it's like in the middle of a thing you're not hearing a laughter and i get that you just want to share

that there was people there watching you oh yeah but like there's no con like it has audio but it's not you're not hearing a full joke you're not hearing laughter so you're like that does nothing for you you know always when people post clips laughter. So you're like, that does nothing for you. Always when people post clips, first of all, you're like, why were they filming? But then second, you watch and you're like, please get to the punchline. Please get to the, and then it cuts off right before the punchline. You're like, what the fuck? Oh yeah. Or you push like the resume watching and it's not worth it.

That's the worst. Cause it goes to a new page now. Yes. Oh, fuck you. But it's also tough. We're also like, I don't know about you, but I follow so many comedians. I know that my feed is a naturally. Yes. You're like, oh, fuck you. Fuck you, get to it. But it's also tough. We're also like, I don't know about you, but I follow so many comedians. I know that my feed is unnaturally. Yes, yes, yeah.

Just like. This is why I think it might be too inside. Because I think most people don't know the difference between laughter and to them it's like, oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I did that in my kitchen, I'd be killing for my family. Because it's two people. Yeah. And our feeds are just comedians.

Now, the plus side of that is like it's made me less precious that's what was helpful absolutely it's like you know you don't have to be you don't have to be putting out the best thing so stop judging yourself if this dog shit clip is online and it's taught me that people will put crying laughing face emojis under anything. The bar is so low for that. It'll be like, haha, best thing I've ever seen. I'm screaming. And it's someone just being like, uh, you had licorice? Okay, someone's not getting laid.

Eat licorice in the front row. So I think that's maybe the one plus side that I'm trying to take from it. Yeah. I agree. But when you lose preciousness, when you lose preciousness, so i think that's maybe the one plus side that i'm trying to take from it um yeah i agree but but when you lose preciousness when you lose preciousness i do think people get tired i i think there's like a a greater the health of stand-up comedy as an art form where i think people see enough mediocrity and they go i don't really like stand-up and then they stop participating in in the art form if your definition of stand-up is just what's on instagram, which again, self-admittedly, we're putting up the worst stuff so we can save the best stuff if you ever buy a ticket.

Yeah, you don't like stand-up. Yeah. You don't like it. I mean, I'll put clips up from the special. Sure. I'm trying to promote it, and it's like, oh, it's something I'm actually proud of and worked on. I'm less precious about burning stuff only because, you know,

if I have a show, two people there saw that one joke. I mean, at the end of the day, it's still a fraction. Doesn't it feel like everyone has seen it, though? There can be that feeling now and then, but, like, it really, I don't feel it in the room. I don't feel a muted laughter because of it. Someone who works with Trevor Noah said his rule was just like, it's Netflix burns or when people start knowing you from the joke.

Like you didn't feel like in your Tonight Show thing that like you had a special on HBO Max and it didn't like burn it for that room popping. You know, there's so many people in the world who haven't seen any of us. Right. There's so many people who the world who haven't seen any of us. Right. There's so many people who don't know who any of us. I think I was just so heartbroken. Not even fucking Russell. Smooth skin and no moles.

I think nobody, I was so heartbroken when I found out how stand-up worked as a kid. I watched Last Comic Standing, and it was like Todd Glass was the only one doing new stuff. And it was like, that fan kept doing the same stuff and now all of them are doing it. It was heartbroken. That fan's an incredible story where he won Last Comic Standing and comics were very mad

because he was like, no. And the reward was he headlined around the country and he didn't have an hour, which the idea of winning Last Comic Standing without being able to cobble together an hour or crowd work an hour with what material you have, is pretty wild.

It was just that one thing. It was just his mom, and then a couple jokes about being Asian. You do his mom's accent all the time. Stop. Yeah, you were doing that before we jumped on the mic. Oh, God. Yeah, but I think the plus side is,

be less precious, put more stuff up. You're doing a lot better than this shit. But it's getting to an egregious point where they're hurting themselves, where it's like you're just, in the eyes of your audience, you are not funny. Yeah. Let's go to our last segment. You better count your blessings. You better count your blessing.

We say one nice thing, one thing we are grateful for. Russell, do you have a blessing? Yes. So the other day I was walking, I was leaving my apartment, and I was walking to the long train ride, and I ran into acquaintance, and I had this panic of like, we're both going on this long train ride.

I don't really want to sit and talk to him. And God bless him. He said, you know, I'm going to get a coffee before I catch the train. And I was both are, then I was like, and in my head I was like,

and I'm not going to sit where I would normally sit. I'm going to walk further down, farther from the thing. This is our way of saying we don't, we don't have to talk on the, on the, on the, on the long train ride into down into Manhattan.

It was great. So I'm thankful for him for being like, I'm going to get coffee and giving me permission to be like, oh, good. Yeah, I don't have to be worried about this. Because I really didn't want to talk to him the whole time. And he didn't want to talk to me. I wish I would have done that move first. Yes.

If that happened to me, I would be like, I wish I was the one. I wish I thought of it. I wish I had thought of it i wish i thought of it but um but i i i i felt like i was putting out an energy of like i was nervous how it was because i was like i really really like one of the things where you're not expecting it and you're like fuck yeah i really want to run i really want to listen to music and i don't want to like but i felt rude you know and we talked and already the conversation was feeling labored on the way to the train so i was like oh you're already walking it wasn't just oh no like no i ran into him like on the street and you're running out of things that would be really shitty if he was like i'm gonna go up back i'm gonna oh yeah that's what i thought he was doing that's

what i was like you're not mad and he's like i'm gonna go get a coffee i'm gonna repay money i really don't want to talk to you. No, it was on the street. He's an unlimited card. He's just going to wait the 15 minutes. So, thankful for him. That's a good blessing. Yeah. I'm going to thank my accountant and friend who I met on Birthright, Josh.

Oh, fuck. I don't know if I'm allowed to reveal this. Then don't say it. Josh. Josh. Just call your accountant John Marco Joe Marco we are we're making an LLC

finally doing this thing so I can start getting all my payments and what not in order it's chaos I met him on Birthright which once at a storytelling show i was not they said can you take out that part about meeting your accountant on birthright that feels really stereotypical and i said well that's like that is the truth though yeah so is am i allowed to say the truth and uh they said no um this was the same show where they said uh me

kissing my dad was like it felt too incestuous the joke this is like it's like no it was something in boston but very moth-esque and it wasn't comedy specific but i was telling comedy story and i have a joke about you kissing my dad as italians and they were like it feels and it's like my go-to if i need a pop and they were like this feels like you're making like an incest joke and i wrote an incest joke. And I wrote back this like, this is my people and my culture. I wrote one of my, the only times I will ever get a chance to be like, how dare you make my culture feel like a dirty thing. That you would, toxic masculinity, let men kiss.

And so my accountant, very good, has, I hope it's going to pay off for him down the line, but he has stuck through some very busy years with no money. And what's his nationality again? He is a Jew. Jew. I'm just picturing J.K. Rowling's very offensive depiction of like they work in the bank.

I think that's what the moth-esque people were picturing. Yes. You are doing counting taxes. Oh no. That's funny if that made his voice like we gotta get in your... I can't even do the voice. I don't know why I sound like Marty McFly on Helium on Diarrhea Day. Sir, what is Diarrhea Day?

You psycho. You find out like English is his eighth language and he just knows like diarrhea day and he's worked on it so much that he doesn't have an accent when he says diarrhea day um uh so yes that i'm thankful for him do you have a blessing uh i'm very grateful this time that i have to be out here because I think I wouldn't come out here unless I had to that could be too vague that sounds like white girl

I'm just here to experience New York but I am very grateful I really love it here and I love that you can do shows anything else that sounds like I got money I have an e-bike that has changed how I get around the city.

Now I can actually do six shows a night. That's a Super 73 that's all souped up. Very dangerous. Very dangerous, but it is so fun. You padded up, gave me places. Yeah. I padded up, but I rode bikes for a while, so I know what I'm doing. But still, it's New York.

I can't imagine. It's premium rush, you know. Yeah. If I ran your TV show, I'd say get off the fucking bike. Oh, yeah. They are not happy about it. They know in certain terms, like, oh, please don't do that. We have a vested interest in your life and your head not being scratched up.

Hugh Jackman hosted the Tony Awards one year and he didn't dance. It came out that it was because the X-Men people were like, you cannot dance because we don't want you to get like... Oh, shit. But I can see Hugh like someone who can't just kind of do a little dance. He's got to do a big dance. Yeah, he's got to go all the way.

I'm going to dance. Oh, yeah, but I've gotten hurt on stage many times. Your pictures, I'm always like, how Yeah. Oh, yeah. But I've gotten hurt on stage many times. Sure. Your pictures, I'm always like, how do you get on the table? Right. I'm always impressed. It's like a restaurant table that's always wobbly that doesn't work.

I always have, because I'm just a very envious person. I always see your pictures from shows, and I think to myself, I'm like, I stayed on the stage the whole time tonight. Yeah. I was on the table. He was wrapped in the curtain. He did a flip. And I just, I stayed on the stage the whole time tonight yeah on the table he was wrapped in the curtain he did a flip and I just I stayed on the stage like a fucking loser

oh wow so original in lieu of material I'm on the table boy shouldn't be on table boy goes on stage it's funny cause boy on table he's behind a curtain bigaboo I truly have that thought sometimes

where I'm just like, God, I suck. I don't know how to, I'm not an artist. I like it because you could just do anything in the room and it is fun for them

and I'm very aware that it's, stand up is becoming more visual. It was at one of you on the beach with all the lights and I remember,

I was like, I remember those lights. I just thought, those are lights and they're there to light me. Because a real artist I just thought, those are lights and they're there to light me. Oh, yeah. Because a real artist would be like, those are lights,

they're there to light me up. Oh, yeah. That was a fun bit. Well, that was a good blessing, the good episode. This is coming out May 31st. Do you have anything to plug? Yeah, Uncle Function,

June 13th, Salem, NYC, 7.30 p.m. Moses, do you have anything to plug after May 31st? I don't know. I keep having to bail on shows because the schedule's all over the place. That's hard. Are you looking for your phone? I think I have to cancel my North Carolina

dates. Just go cancel right now. Cancel, cancel. That's 27th. Doesn't matter. I'm in burlington vermont um on june 24th and 25th at unnamed comedy club i think it's just vermont comedy club vermont comedy club yeah yeah yeah yeah okay i think that's the only one that i could actually confirm the reason i know that is because I recently emailed my agent, hey, did we ever hear back from Vermont Comedy Club? They just offered it to me.

They were like, we are wide open for you. That's always the worst. That's literally the only reason I know that name. That has happened to me with Taylor Tomlinson. I'm like, yeah, was it Comedy on State? She was just like riffing. I was just like talking backstage. She was like, yeah, they just reached out.

I was like, oh, so they did have that weekend. Yeah. They just wanted tickets sold. What kind of business is this? So I'm doing a little West Coast run. I'm going to be headlining the Bray Improv June 5th. I will be in San Diego June 9th through 11th. Cobbs Comedy Club June 12th. Sacramento Punchline June 15th. And then Seattle June 9th through 11th. Cobbs Comedy Club, June 12th.

Sacramento Punchline, June 15th. And then Seattle, June 16th. So come on out. If you have friends there, let them know. And then, of course, we have our live episode on... It's in a while. A long time from now. Oh, you're right. I guess there's no point in even promoting it.

The Silver Lining is going to be August... Oh, fuck. August 14thth we have our live podcast at sesh comedy club tickets are available now at 6 p.m august 14th live podcast and then the sister show the silver lining uh 8 p.m august 14th as well go to my profile go to beacon download these tickets tell your friends about everything um and let's see, some sad way to end this. Trash White is now on HBO Max. Yes. And after all this religion,

what are your feelings about God at this point? Oh, so confused and envious of anyone that has anything that they believe in, even people that the power of now works for them. And New Earth, I'm envious of those people. I wish I had something and it wasn't. But deep in your heart, what do you think? There's just absolutely nothing nothing this is the downside