The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #92 Is This Hack with Jaye McBride

Episode Date: July 12, 2022

Jaye McBride joins us to share the downsides of stand-up comedians running their trans jokes by you, coming out via e-mail, chewing anti-acids after throwing up to avoid visiting the dentist, getting a hug at your mom’s funeral from your sister-in-law whose husband stopped speaking to you, reconnecting with your niece via Netflix, and Gianmarco shares the most homoerotic experience he ever had. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Follow Jaye McBride on Instagram & Twitter Get tickets to Jaye's Anatomically Incorrect Album Recording on July 19, 2022, in Brooklyn, NY here Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's monthly show in NYC (first Sunday of every month) Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to The Downside. My name is Jermarcus Serezi. I'm here with my guest, Russell's grandma, who is unfortunately joined by Russell. We're joined by stand-up comedian. And psychic. And psychic, Jay McBride. Hi.

Hi. Welcome. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. Jay was just recently on Netflix for Amy Schumer's, what was Amy Schumer's show called? Amy Schumer's Parental Advisory. Parental Advisory. Yep.

I did seven minutes. Because it got naughty. Seven minutes. Well, it's supposed to be all about family. It was the whole thing because she has a two-year-old child now. In her last special, she was pregnant. You know, so it was like that. So the whole thing was everyone talking about their family, basically.

You know, it's funny. My mom wanted me to issue a correction about this podcast. I said my mom hates when comedians talk about kids. Uh-huh. And she told me that's not true. She just doesn't like, she doesn't like when people talk about diapers. I think she's adverse to, like, diapers and, like...

Is she okay with adult diapers? Because I'm literally shitting in one now. These chairs are pretty new still. Okay, well. I hope it's a good diaper. Wayfair. Double diapered up. Yeah, I hope Wayfair has a refund policy.

I, I, she doesn't, she's like, I don't like periods. I don't like poop. I don't like diapers. So my mom, even though that's not true. She likes airline food jokes. My mom's, yeah, she'd be fine. Something my mom, she swears this isn't the case. I swear whenever like a comedian just talks a lot about kids, she'd be fine. Something my mom, she swears this isn't the case.

I swear whenever a comedian just talks a lot about kids, she's like, we get it. They suck. Yeah. And maybe that's it. Maybe she's just like, even like Louis C.K., like, you're being too nice about your kids right now. Yeah. Big Louis C.K. fan, my mom. Okay. No, I don't think she gives a fuck.

Yeah. So. Has she watched your comedy? Yeah. She likes my really, like, anything really dark. Uh-huh. I think it's sometimes the misogynistic jokes she kind of likes. Okay.

Like, something about, like, you know, my dad is always commenting when women are overweight on TV. And he's so lucky my sister is already anorexic. Like, my mom's like, my mom. And that's the only one I do really. Because it's just kind of mean. And my mom's like, that one. She's like, yeah. My is already anorexic. Like my mom's like, my mom, and that's the only one I do really, because it's just kind of mean. And my mom's like, that one. She's like, yeah, my daughter is anorexic. I used to do a joke about an eating disorder,

but then people thought I was like making it up just to get a laugh and making fun of people with eating disorders. Oh, they didn't believe that you had one? They didn't believe that I had one. That you could have had one? So I was like, all right. Like in a mean way? Yeah, yeah.

I would do a bunch of jokes. Like I can't remember like, I don't know, it was so many years ago, but people are just like, oh, yo, or they, and I'm like, all right, forget it.

So we, I was recently on stage at the Comedy Cellar with Will Silvins and Sypha. We were doing crowd work. Name drop. Yeah, right. And we, they were talking to an audience member who was like talking too much. with Will Silvins and Saifa. We were doing crowd work. Name drop. Yeah, right?

And they were talking to an audience member who was like talking too much. And the audience member was like, sorry, my teeth fell out of my bag or whatever. And they were confused. And I knew right away. I knew right away it was fake teeth because of an eating disorder. I just like put it together.

And I let them like go like, your teeth, what are you talking about? And then they said, I have an eating disorder. And the crowd went. It's interesting. So they had like veneers or some kind of retainer. I thought you said her tooth fell out of her purse.

I think it was in their purse. Maybe they take it out to laugh or something. But I just knew, just based on this, just everything about this person, I was like, it's eating disorder related. Oh, okay. But I just knew, just based on this, just everything about this person, I was like, it's eating disorder related.

Right. Bulimia, because the acidity and the throw eventually wears it down. Right, right. And it was very interesting because eating disorders is one of those things

that a crowd will shut down about. Oh, yeah, 100%, 100%. But, and like, here's how I, like, I also have, I'm terrified of losing, of Dennis, like, here's how I, like, I also am terrified of dentists. So I don't want to, like, I'm terrified. So I started, when I would throw up, I would immediately just chew an antacid or two

and then spit that out to try and counteract the acid. You try to pH balance your teeth? Yeah, 100%. So I was like, I would do that. So I would go through, like, a shit ton of antacids every every day but i wouldn't swallow it because i didn't want to ruin my you know chemistry so you would so you would you would uh make yourself throw up right and then you would take an anti-acid pill and like suck on it like a mint well i would chew it and just like leave it around my mouth because and then the way the way it works when you mix an acid with the

base it turns into like a salt and a water and sometimes carbon dioxide or a gas of some sort so so basically like nacl plus h or uh hcl just so you know any letters you want right now and i'm gonna go right but if you do if you do uh hydrochloric acid and naoh then the two mix and you get salt and water and that's it i feel like we've inadvertently coached someone on how to be a better. So that's how you should do it. Right, right. And now let's talk about how to bury a body.

Russ, is your camera recording? Yes. No, he's just not moving. He's a mime. Does that work, though? Or does the acidity do the damage before you... I think it just washes against your teeth. But if you use an enamel building toothpaste, too, then I think it makes up for it.

How long were you—was it exclusively bulimia? Pretty much—well, I don't know. I don't know what the—I never—it's like I don't binge a ton of food. But when I eat a little too much i'll feel guilty and think like oh i'm gonna get fat i better throw up that sort of thing yeah and that's why i would have the antacids so but then i just get to a point i'm like just eat less you know and just i have to force so my like i don't i hate wasting food so if i make too much food i know i'll try and finish it and so now i just have to be smarter about like only do half portions or something like that.

I remember there's some commercial. It was for a dieting pill. And I guess this is a technique some people do where like when they're full, they pour the water on their plate to like ruin the meal. But then like I think some other people say like that's an eating disorder in and of itself. It's very complicated. Sometimes Tovo will, like certain of my eating patterns, where it's like, I don't think it's an eating disorder. Because disorder to me means it gets in the way

or really fucks up your function of life. I get over conscientious. You can have an eating disorder, but just deal with it in healthy ways. That doesn't mean your eating disorder is gone. It just means you're dealing with it in a healthy way. So if you pour water on it, that sounds like a way to just stop you from doing something that could be dangerous. Sure.

I'll take one bite of cake, pour water on the whole wedding cake. Like, sorry, guys, it's over for the day. Right, right. I'll just rub it on my face. Right. I'll just rub it on my face. My moment, like I had the biggest phase I had like as an adult where I like changed my eating habits was I had a roommate and he was a gay guy and we were close. And I would like be in my underwear most of the time during the day.

And I remember one time. That's so sexy. Yeah. Not this underwear. I mean the two of you together. Yes, the two of us together. And I said to him, I said, I'm in good shape, right? And he couldn't respond. Wow.

And I went to my room and I cried. I cried. Probably 23. Right, right, right. I was in my underwear, bent over fixing the sink. And I was like, hey, you. And then he came over. You're hard right now, right?

And he's like, no. He said nothing. And how long did you wait? Like, how long was the pause? It was about 10 minutes just staring. And he's just like, mm. I mean, he's, mm. He's just like, mm.

But he, as a friend, listen, I admire this person. Right. I'm not saying this moment necessarily, but this was a friend who wasn't going to lie to me. This was a friend who wasn't gonna lie to me this was a friend who wasn't gonna be like yeah you're in amazing shape and he didn't he wasn't like you revolt me and i want to throw up but but he was saying what you are thinking you your perceptions are not matching the reality god Do with that what you will. And I think sometimes friends, if you go to the friend asking for something, a friend should be the one to tell you the truth. Right. And I think what he did was not bullying or anything. I think I put him in the scenario.

Yeah. Oh, you absolutely did. I put him in the scenario. I 100% feel like i'm pretty honest with people about stuff like that like if someone says is this funny i'll be like no really yeah i'll be the first one to say yeah i feel like i'm filled with filled with stresses you have more asking someone how they look or like a fun like a bit sure sure yeah for me it's it's like it's it's funny if someone said to me that's hacky oh yeah yeah I mean yeah but sometimes I have to do that

because people always say can I do this joke about trans people and I'll be like no it's fucking hacky bullshit that's been like if Ricky Gervais came to me I'd be like no that's shit that was said 10 years ago it's hack what do you think about because my friend Jay Jordan

who we've had on the podcast he's my friend too okay settle down i i know you're i know it's your podcast but jay and i i feel like are close enough that once you get in shape first and then tell me how to oh god if i asked jay you'd just be like i would not be like that if i asked jay sometimes sometimes I'll go to Jay once or twice and I'll be like, if it's a joke that's involving race. And I'm like, I think this is like I'm saying not a cruel thing here. I'm like pointing out a hypocrisy. And we're close enough to do that.

I think if I had a joke that involved trans rights or anything like that, I don't think I consider it as close enough that I would lean on you for that at this moment. Because I would feel like it would be like an imposition. I feel like it would be like an annoyance. Like, hey, here's my question for you. Well, I'm literally the only one at the cellar, so it's like

I'm the only one you can ask. Sure. Me and one of the waiters. Do you get annoyed do you get annoyed do you say you know what better you ask than go up there with that hacky i mean transphobic bullshit i don't mind people asking like i literally just like uh okay so let me get my notepad real quick so yeah you know you know just texting me a joke and i was like i don't not really i don't really think it's great i think did he say hello first or was it just like straight into the joke he's just like i think he said like you look like a busted ass tranny i was

like that's not a funny joke um like i would phrase it differently it's like shut the fuck up why are you outside my apartment you creep and then i was like look i if just phrase it differently worded differently punch it up um fuck that's so yeah well any past the buster any anyone send you a joke you're like yeah you know what oh yeah yeah absolutely i mean i think you can do a joke and you really especially like about how you know there's some things that just like how society treats trans people you do it about how like like people are some people treat like i don't know i'd have to see it basically if you're if you're talking about genitals then i'd say like no because sure you know or if it's a joke about them that could also work if they weren't trans

absolutely my solution i i don't know for my most of my humor it's less about me being like talking about any group of people and me being like it's me in a circumstance with a group of people. And how did I behave or was confused or was unsure? Because then I've gone around the point of like targeting people because I'm only talking about myself in the world, not them outside of myself. So I don't know. self yeah so i don't know that's just i think that's like where sometimes where comedians get really like in how in a lot of hot water or they just like it feels like they're bullying is when they've taken themselves out of the equation and they're just talking about other people well yeah yeah it's punching down it's 100 punching down like you have to i mean there are trans people

everywhere like there are we're 250 laws this year aimed like anti-trans legislations being put through different states and stuff like that this year. So, I mean, it's how is this not punching down, you know? I mean, but I mean, the way you were describing is absolutely perfect. Like how you react to that, I think absolutely. And by the way, if you want to tell jokes about a trans person's genitals, go right ahead. I'm just saying, like, if you do, I think it's transphobic. Yeah, that's it. Say whatever you want.

I don't care. Yeah. But it's, yeah, of course. And don't ask me to watch it, you know? Sure. That's it. Say whatever you want. I don't care. But it's, yeah, of course. And don't ask me to watch it, you know? Sure. That's all. I think there's also just like the understanding of just different kinds of hack. But I think probably the easiest one to identify, and look, I worry all the time about being

hacked, especially with like misdirects. You're like, has this, I used to have a misdirect where I talked about my girlfriend and then like the final tag was, I'm just just kidding i don't have a girlfriend right right and it worked it functioned but like i had a comedian one day being like you know that's that's kind of been done right and that's not how they said it they were like you're better than that it was kind of harsh but but it's like oh yeah and it has been done and now that i'm around or like the misdirect of like you know who was the thing that said the quote to you? And I was like, dad.

Like the misdirect. It was your dad or mom saying it. And it's like, you know, it functionally makes sense. That's trickier. But one kind of hack that I think every comedian should be aware of is like, would your non-comedian dad, mom, uncle, friend, make this same joke. Like the reason fart jokes are hack, I think, is because anyone on the street can tell you a shit story, that they shit their pants.

And the joke is they shit their pants. And so you're not doing anything worthy of putting it on a stage, paying tickets for it, because random, you're my dad. And so especially like really easy transphobic jokes, like, and I was like, and I said to her like, hey man, like, it's like, that's any bad politician could make that joke. So it's not even clever. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, my favorite thing is like, uh, you know, it's like, like, you know, it's, it's weird day to get trans girlfriend. Cause I'm like, her dick's bigger than mine. You know? It's like, that's like as hacky as it gets, you know what I mean? And people still do that stuff all the time.

But I don't know. I think there's something like fat jokes. You could write fat jokes all day long. I do? Yeah, it's absolutely easy to do. And like you can if you wanted to say like something like I'm a little overweight. Like if you call yourself fat. I'm not going to call you fat.

No, I call myself fat. If you do that on state of course that's great but i mean if i did it then it's just like it's fucking it's bullshit that you like it's easy and tacky and it's bullshit um and i feel like i i used to i i think like if someone tells you something's like punching down you have to weigh that into your equation do you want to keep double down and do it or do you want to pull back like i used to to tell this joke about, like, I used to try and frame it as like how my dad was racist. Like I grew up in a small town. I didn't even see a black person until college. And I feel like my dad definitely was racist. Like I remember like little things he would do. And I tried to tell this joke and then I would say something

that was a joke about like a joke sort of thing that he said about black people. And it would always get a laugh, you know, but it was in Albany. So then someone afterwards said to me, he's like, I'm glad you told that joke. If those, and then she said the N word, can joke about us, we should be able to joke about them. And at that point, I'm like, holy shit. And it's like, do I want to be the sort of person who says, no, the joke's about my father. I'm right. I'm going to keep telling this. Or do I want to be someone who of person who says no the joke's about my father i'm right i'm gonna keep telling this or do i want to be someone who actually listens to these people like someone

who might be offended and say like i'm sorry i'm not gonna do that joke you know and that's just look some people would go ahead and tell that joke till the end of their their days you know but um i just didn't want to be that person you know that's really that's a really and there's some people who'd be like yeah whatever it's just a person right but like that's the decision you have to make as a hundred percent hundred percent and like believe me i'm not telling i'm not trying to tell anyone how to do comedy i'm just saying you know the people i respect are the ones who don't do that you know what was the the trans joke you were telling me last night, Russell? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just joked. But what's... Is there a joke you ever got rid of a sketch?

That you're comfortable sharing? No. Definitely, like, there's definitely things, like, you revisit from, like, the early days of writing sketches, where you dust it off three or four years later, and you're like, oh, this whole bit has not aged well. But that's an interesting circumstance. It's the character who is,

whether it's in a sketch or in this case your father being quoted, like the character who is the thing. The character who makes an inappropriate thing. Because sometimes those people are funny in certain contexts. But it's tricky because you can veer into the Michael Scott kind of thing where you know that's the joke but then

you're like when you hear people laughing at it you can feel are they laughing at this character are they laughing at what he's saying or a like a way one way that i think the office's legacy in america is kind of uh misses the point of the show is when michael scott would go that's what she said the joke was he's such an idiot exactly that is so funny to him when he's like that's what she said but it's become practically one of the taglines for the shows where people are like quoting that's what she said it's like that's not what's funny what's funny is this is an idiot who thinks that's funny, but the American audiences enjoyed the joke itself.

And when you hear it out in the wild still, it's crazy. You're just out and regular people will still say things, and you'll be at a family event. And it's hack, again, because my dad would make the joke. There's an interesting, I don't know if you guys read Malcolm Gladwell or listen to his podcast. I think he's really interesting. I know he had, and he did this one, Revisionist History was his podcast. He did this episode about satire in this country.

And he would talk about, he talked about All in the Family with Carol O'Connor where Archie Bunker's place. Yes. Was it Archie Bunker's place or All in the Family? All in the Family, right? All in the Family was Arch in the family all the family was archie bunker right okay okay okay uh but he would like he would say all these racist things and so like liberals would love the show because he was showing off this like like buffoonish person as a racist but then conservatives would watch this because they agreed with the racist shit he said

yeah you know it's almost like colbert a little bit too yeah and it's just like it's like it's weird it's just fascinating well it's a little like Hamilton like when that first came out people both liberals loved it because of the casting and the thing and then conservatives are like yes the founding fathers raising yourself up by your bootstraps like that

both people liked it and then eventually liberals were like you really neglected slavery as like part of their thing yeah and conservatives were like wait I don't slavery as like part of their thing. Yeah. And conservatives are like, wait, I don't like black people. So why would I watch it? So. Well, I'm this is great.

I'm very happy to have you. So tell us where where did you grow up? Where were you born? I was born in Albany, but my family grew up about two hours farther north. Grammar counts. Farther north. Not in Albany. No one gives a shit.

Like an hour from Canada, a town called Westport, New York. And that's where I grew up, and that's where I went to high school. That's where I graduated. Did you go to Canada a lot growing up? Yeah, we used to go to Montreal about once a year or so. Did you see JFL as a kid? No, like that nothing like that i wish i don't even think i knew it existed like i didn't even know comedy really was a thing until like i think it was like cable news started doing like um you know like like friday at caroline's or whatever that that

stand that caroline's stand-up show they would have it though and then comedy central would have specials and that's where i would start to see it. And I would also like when I was really, I would sneak down and watch Letterman because that was a cool thing to do, you know, still. So I would watch that and there'd be like, I'd see standups on it and just be like, like Jake Johansson was the first standup I think I ever saw.

Do you mind if I ask how old you are? Yes. I'm not going to answer that. Great. So I'm more, I'm over 40. I'm older than you. Okay.

I'm more, I'm more happy. I'm the conan air like my letterman was conan yeah so it's just yeah that that's all yeah it's more about like what was the media conan was the cool right right right because like they had uh and like like didn't he started like triumph yeah like the old comic and the masturbating bear. You're 56. I'm 60. You're 60. You look fantastic.

Okay, so tell me about your family. What's the brothers, sisters? One older brother, two younger brothers. Both parents dead. Both parents dead. Yeah. They died of embarrassment when I transitioned. They immediately died of embarrassment.

Got it. Immediately. Did they put it on the tombstone? That's pretty brutal. Right. Yeah, they're like parents of three children and a trans person. And it's... It just added on at the... Right.

And there's the graveyard and a plaque underneath. And also this asshole who literally killed us. yard and then like a plaque underneath like and also this asshole who literally killed us uh how old were you when you transitioned i was just i was like out of college um i was i don't know 20s i started like doing things seriously about it like going to therapy and stuff like that i think i went out full time uh like i like you know it's almost like that Grinch story, the Sneetches. It's like I went into my apartment, a guy, and I walked out the next day, a girl. That sort of thing. I did that 15 and a half years ago.

The Sneetches, that's the one with the green stars? The stars. Some put a star on the belly, some take it off. It feels like they put on stars, green stars on their belly, and all of a sudden they're like the elites. Right, right. Basically there's like, there's, some were born with stars, some were born without stars. So then the people without stars figured out a way to put a star on theirs. And then, so the ones with stars were like, oh, we don't want to be associated with them.

So they built one that would take the stars off. And then it was like this never, this like infinity loop. It's kind of like comedians with podcasts. Right. And I'm at the end where I'm putting the star on just as everyone's taking it off. Right.

Exactly. And I'm like, oh, that's the cooler thing now. Right, right, right. We should quit. Oh, we should have quit already. Right, right. We always keep playing,

I keep forgetting to play the intro music. Yeah, I almost said something. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. The Downside with Joe Marcos-Sarray. That's good. That was a new track we're using by Jay McBride. Sorry, Douglas. We found a better tune.

So, when you... Shama-lama. Go ahead and play your song. I'm sorry. Oh. No, it's weird now. No, no, no. Now it's weird.

We'll play it at the end. We'll play it at the end. It's fine. Red One. We're coming at you. Red One is the movie event of the holiday season. Santa Claus has been kidnapped. You're going to help us find him.

You can't trust this guy. He's on the list. Is that Naughty Lister? Naughty Lister? Dwayne Johnson. We got Snowman! Chris Evans. I might just go back to the car.

Let's save Christmas. I'm not going to say that. Say it. All right. Let's save Christmas. There it is going to say that. Say it. All right. Let's save Christmas. There it is. Only in theaters November 15th. Interior Chinatown is an all-new series based on the best-selling novel by Charles Yu

about a struggling Asian actor who gets a bigger part than he expected when he witnesses a crime in Chinatown. Streaming November 19th only on Disney+. By the way, this is The Downside with Joe Marcus Arezzi. A podcast where we celebrate the negatives, we debunk silver linings,

we complain freely and happily. If you enjoy us, check us out. We're going to be reactivating the Patreon soon. We've got some big announcements coming up. We do. Hopefully get some branded content soon so I can get some money in here.

Nice. And, yeah, I have nothing else to say. Nope. Right. This is literally the back of a moving van that you just dressed up to look like a room. That's how. Yeah. I want to get some lighting in here.

I want to get some lighting. We just have this. I want to get some lighting in here. I want to get some lighting. I think I said this before. I had an old roommate back in the day. Not the one who told me I was obese. A different one. And I had lamps like this. Just one light. He would say. He had a deep voice. His name was Torrance. He'd say, it's like the beach in here. It's like the beach.

This is the beach. He kept calling it the beach because it was just way too bright right overhead. It's the beach in here. I don overhead. And it's the beach in here. I don't feel like it's a beach in here. No, I don't either. No. I'm taking my girlfriend's birthday on Saturday

and I think we're going to go to... The beach? The nude beach. Ooh. There's a nude beach. If you go to Rockaway... Take your shirt off. Let's see if you're in shape.

I'll tell you. I'm going to say no regardless oh man oh if i started you're both going are you going with people just that's just the two of you absolutely if we're going to a nude beach we're going with no one that i know well they're right why would you there and you just told well i guess if we went to a beach yeah that's not gonna come until after the birthday is there one in new york uh if you go to rockaway park that if you walk further there's a nude beach. Now, I don't know if this is topless, but I think it's nude.

This is more her thing. Right. I don't really care about being nude. I get nothing of being nude in front of people other than a little bit of paranoia about my dick size. That's all. I mean, I think that's every guy. Yeah. that's all I mean I think that's every guy yeah I would go there with a giant strap on just walk around like like a fucking

like two and a half feet like one that two and a half feet one that starts to sag because it's so long you know when you get tired you can just lean forward

and do a tripod just like hang there exactly that would be that would be a good sketch I would like rub lotion on it do you

would you rather be like very crowded or have two or three people? You know what I mean? If there's only one other person, you're just naked with that one other person, or would you want a lot of people around? I'd rather have super crowded.

You'd rather have a lot of small dicks. Yeah, just a lot of small dicks. Just so we got an average. Because if you have three, what if you happen to have the three biggest hogs around? And you're like, well, this is just a statistical anomaly right now. Were you born in... You weren't born in Italy, were you? No.

Okay. Because there's a lot of nude beaches there? No, because I was going to say, like, plus if you're circumcised or uncircumcised, that's another issue. I am uncircumcised. Okay. No, you are circumcised. That's what I meant. In my head, I was like, I don't have the thing.

I'm circumcised. How the fuck do you I don't have the thing I'm circumcised How the fuck do you know I would laugh my ass off It was literally just you your girlfriend And a metal detector with a giant He's just like This old guy with his balls to his knees And like a giant dick

I like that I just remember the guys in high school Who would be like, oh, I'll whip my dick out right now. I always thought like, oh, they must have a big cock because I wouldn't do it under extraordinary circumstances. What was the conversation leading up to that? I was just like, how was your weekend? No, I just remember some guys like, I don't know the context, but it wasn't appropriate. Definitely not good. But they were just like, yo, fucking, you want to see my dick?

And I'd be like, okay. They must be, yo, fucking, you want to see my dick? And be like, okay, they must be well endowed. Did you play sports in high school? Not really. Okay. But I had a friend who was deep in soccer

and I will never forget, like he played soccer at Stanford. Balls deep in soccer. Balls deep in soccer. And I went to so many musical theater programs. I was in a lot of like

gay environments where the majority of the people there were, at least the men were gay. And I went to so many musical theater programs. I was in a lot of like gay environments where the majority of the people there were, at least the men, were gay. And I remember I was at his – this was post-college. I was with like all his soccer friends. They were going out clubbing. I was just hanging out with him. This was not my thing. And these are like – I'm sure some of them are homophobic.

I'm sure they're just not very gay-friendly people. So we're getting ready to go to the club. And one of the guys is showering. It's weird. We were going out but they're still showering. We're all there dressed ready to go. And he comes out of the shower and it felt like a locker room type thing. But we're in his room. Everyone's dressed and he's just naked.

Just standing like this. And we're just chatting it up for 45 minutes. And I just felt like this is the most homoerotic thing I've ever been a part of. And I was in a chorus line. There's something that was like, there's something where I always think, especially when they freaked out about one gay person in the NFL. I think there's a degree of the locker room environment is so homoerotic that there's a fear that introduce someone

who actually would take it to the next point and you have to recognize the fact that, yeah, this is all pretty gay. I didn't get to tell at the last podcast, but that bachelor party

I went to. What if the psychic had said, you want to suck a dick right now? I see a big fat cock behind you. Well, I don't think that wasn't her style. I feel like she was much more. That would be great.

A psychic who just, everyone that came in was like, you're gay. You're secretly gay. That's so funny. You're gay. You'll be happier when you come out. I went to this bachelor party and I missed the first night of it. And I got there and I was 15 guys. And and you know all dads very straight men uh and i go i i said um what happened last night and they're like two strippers came and i was i was like oh like like

how was it and they were like this is what happened they had strippers come and the strippers took like a break like like for like 10, 15 minutes. And while they took their break, the men who had just seen the strippers got all horned up, then wrestled. Like while the strippers were taking their break and the bouncer DJ'd. Like the guy that was there for safety for the strippers like played music. And the men like WWE style wrestled. I was like, that is so gay. Like you guys got all horned up by these strippers like played music and the men like WWE style wrestled I was like that is so gay like you guys

got all horned up by these strippers they're hard they're like they're doing a sweep now we gotta fight yeah I uh growing up like

I had to play my father made me play sports and like it was a small town so everyone made the team which meant like

every game it was like a locker room and like some some guys literally just walk around like butt ass naked just right out of the shower and i didn't have to because i never played so it was terrible yeah but it's just like it was weird it's that's it's it's it's very fun because like sometimes i think uh just the way that we set up society like i don't think it's like necessarily when straight guys are homoerotic, like they want to fuck each other.

Right. But there's a side of physical expression. There's a thing, yeah. And it could be. Who knows? It could be jerky. Whenever I go to a zoo, I always just have the thought when I see like chimpanzees and I think about how we're so closely related. You want to have sex with them?

I want to have sex with them. Whenever I go to the zoo, I I think about how we're so closely related. You want to have sex with them. I want to have sex with them. And whenever I go to the zoo, I always. I always like start masturbating by the monkey cages. And I'm like, they're doing it. Why can't I? Sorry. Ape cages. Chimpanzees are not monkeys.

They're apes. Continue. Thank you. Thank you. And there's so much like touching and rubbing and rubbing and sucking. And, like, the grandma's not fucking the baby, but, like, the baby's, like, puts the grandma's nipple in the mouth at a certain point. And they're touching and they're putting it in the other crotch. And there's just, like, clearly, I want to fuck my grandma. There's clearly so many forms of physical expression that like genetically we'd like

probably be fine we but but we don't do so instead we have these weird systems where you play sports and you get naked and you slap each other's asses and then you're like but we don't want any gay guys in here and it's like this is crazy yeah guys are 100 told not to show their feelings not to be like like all this stuff like like that whole like you're gay. You're gay. That was like the biggest insult. You're gay. You know you call someone a faggot. You're gay. And it's just like it's weird how like no wonder guys become serial killers.

You know? It's like they can't express themselves. They have to bottle up until they're adults and then they go fucking nuts. Especially when they can't get like when they can only get physical affection from like a straight guy, from a woman. Right. So then they never have like touch. They never get,

have someone just to give them a hug. Right. Or just to like hold their head. Right. And if they can't get women, then they go like, I will never be touched. Right.

Or like, imagine like, like a six year old boy who wants to go to a dance class with an overbearing father, like back in the day. Now it's probably easier. But I mean,

like you immediately are telling that child what you are not right. You have to change to be this and it's just, it's crazy. Wouldn't it be funny,

what's the movie about the father wants him to be a boxer but he wants to be a ballet dancer? Billy Elliot. Wouldn't it be funny like a Billy Elliot,

a modern Billy Elliot where he's like, dad, I want to do ballet and he's like, sure and then he sucks because he doesn't have want to do ballet and he's like, sure. And then he sucks because he doesn't have any adversity to overcome and he's just the worst

ballet dancer in the world. And then he becomes a boxer. And then he ends up hitting all the ballet dancers because he's so angry. Oh my God. Or one where, no, it's like,

the real story would be like, oh, he becomes, he goes into ballet, he does okay, he doesn't get a career out of it but he's happy. But that's not a very good movie. Yeah, that's a terrible movie. Right, right, that's terrible. There's literally no conflict whatsoever. get a career out of it, but he's happy. But that's not a very good movie. That's a terrible movie.

There's literally no conflict whatsoever. It's like, alright, keep going. Sure, that's great. There was a Tony Hawk documentary recently. I was talking about with Douglas who wrote the music for the song We're Not Gonna Play.

All these documentaries, it's amazing, but he was problematic. And, like, Tony Hawk very much had the, like, he wasn't always the best dad. Like, that was the turn. And I was like, well, yeah, because you don't make documentaries about good dads. No, no. You make documentaries about bad dads. Right. Well, VH1 had those behind-the specials back in the day. And there's

always be at some point like the musicians just like, and here's where they went on heroin, you know, and here's where they died. You know, like how someone woke up with a needle in their arm and then they did one about Weird Al. It's like, yeah, he was fine. Yeah. No problems. Bradley Cooper recently came out saying I used to be addicted to cocaine. And I was like, that's not really a deterrent because oh no, what's one of the side effects of cocaine? Being Bradley Cooper. Maybe we should all

get a little addicted to cocaine in our 20s and then recover from it because then we'll be a movie. We'll get a lot of shit done in our 20s. Be very motivated. Right, right. Accomplish tasks. I just think really successful people talking about their addictions that they overcame, just sometimes it's like,

oh, well, yeah, that was part of it. That was part of you becoming this thing. So, do cocaine. So, okay, so you did sports. So your father was a do sports. He was very like, you know, macho guy. You know, like one of the things i always i always tell people like when i i didn't know what trans was you know i didn't there was none of that

when i was growing up but um there's a show on tv we were watching late at night it was like and then they showed like all these they called them female impersonators at the time it was basically drag queens or trans people as people who you know that was their job they would just be women you know like someone obviously we're mid-transition but um but like what do you mean they would do it for what like there were these places that would hire female impersonators as entertainment i see almost like drag but it wasn't as over the top it was more you know but um so so i remember i was looking at this i was like holy there's some people like me you know you know these and and then my dad walked into the room how old was it how old are you i think i was like 12 probably 10 these and and then my dad walked into the room how old was it how old

are you i think i was like 12 probably 10 something like that and uh my dad looked at the tv looked at us me and my brothers and said like if any of you turn out like that i'll kill you so so that's the kind of guy he was and it was like clearly like he just like i was always very effeminate at times but i would then i someone would be like you can't like i held like my books like the like against my chest and someone's like girls do that you have to hold it against your side so i was like oh okay okay so you know that sort of shit you know so so i hit it as well as i could but i also knew like yeah he's not down and were your three brothers right yeah were they masculine dudes pretty much yeah yeah they're all good at sports so you were like the odd duck of the family yeah absolutely how did your mom react was your mom like the same way like what are you doing

put those books to your side right she pretty much went along with dad for the most part with everything um i mean like like dad would beat me once in a while, but she would never do that. But, but, you know, then when my dad died, she sort of became like, I mean, grew into her own a little more, which sounds hacky to almost say or to say that, but almost like, but yeah, it was like, it was like, you know, he was pretty overbearing. And then when, when he died, she sort of became her own person and completely different. And she was like my biggest ally at the end when she died. So it was great. How old were you when your father died? 18. So this was before you had transitioned.

Right, right. Did your, did you, did, was there anything in terms of like, so your first, as far as your dad knew that you, you weren't. No, he, he, he probably thought I was gay or something like that or just – or thought I was gay. You know what I mean? I think he would be in denial if I actually said I was gay. He'd be like, no, you're not. You're not gay.

But he just thought I was effeminate, I think, and an embarrassment. Did you think I'm trans before you transitioned? Like when you were 18, what were your thoughts? It was always weird growing up. I always just felt like being Catholic, it's almost like I was a mistake. I felt like God fucked up somehow in the machine. It was broken.

I was on the wrong thing. So I would just be like, well, I guess I'm Catholic. I guess I have to pray that I wake up tomorrow as a woman, as a girl. And that was it. That's just what I'm thinking, you know? Wouldn't that be a better religion? Instead of, like, Jesus coming back from the dead,

it was like one day they woke up as a woman. Right, right, perfect. And they felt, like, perfect. Yeah. That, as a principle, would be a great miracle, too. But also, if that happened, then I wouldn't be blamed for it, so I would avoid punishment, you know, because, oh, God did it. Yeah. You have to accept it, you know.

Yeah. But then, like, you know, then later on, like, the internet was starting to happen. And I'd be like, oh, okay. Then I started to know what exactly it was. So that's where you were getting, like, information from? It was, like, the boom of the internet? Is that where you, like, started, like? I think that's, yeah.

Like, at first when I went to college um after i was like taking psych classes and every once in a while they would talk about trans and that's the like that's where you started to get like but even then it's like one lecture you know uh-huh uh but then it wasn't when the internet came out and when um yeah i started working in a bookstore and then i like, sort of sneak books when no one was looking and read about it. When your father passed away, were you close to him at all? No. Yeah. Yeah, no.

And then how, when did your mom pass away? Six years ago. Six years ago. Yeah, yeah. And was your mom, like, did your mom ever, like, say, I like say i'm like i'm sorry or was just more loving and accept like no she was i mean i think when i first transitioned it's like it's sort of like it took her a while to come around you know i don't think she was like i think she started this like now this is just a phase or whatever you know and then like then something just sort of clicked for,

you know, I think, I think when she visited, we actually had a really cool, we just hung out, went to Boston. We had a fun, fun weekend. And I think from that point on, it was just like, oh, wow. You know, it's like, we had a really close friendship. Um, she never really talked about, we never really talked about my father. It wasn't, that wasn't going to happen, but, um, but you know. And what about your brothers? Because you have a joke about one of your brothers. Yeah, my oldest brother, I haven't talked to my brother since, like, my oldest brother. When I came out to everyone,

I came out a few months before I fully transitioned. So I sent this email out to everyone, and that was the last time I talked to him. The email was fucking, like, that's how I came out. I mean, you know know it was like it was like that was november of uh 2006 so so like it was almost 16 years and so i sent this long email explaining everything and uh you know then then like it's like 2 30 in the morning i finally send it you know then i get this error message like there is no subject in the subject line would you like like to read it? And I'm like, oh, you motherfucker.

Like, you fucking motherfucker. What subject did you go with? Yeah, it's like, open for a surprise. Forward this to 10 of your friends or you'll be cursed for the rest of your life. Right, I was like, ah, what's up, y'all? Yeah, yeah, and that was pretty much it. And it was just to... And never responded or responded, like just never said anything back? Well, and that was, that was pretty much it. And it was just to, and the joke I.

And never responded or, or responded, like, just never said anything back? Well, his response was something really, like, bitchy, like, like, oh, fuck this. You guys can handle this or something, you know, something like that. Like, he, I think he thought everyone would be on his side, but no one was. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Do, do the other siblings talk to him?

Like, do they have relationships? They do. Okay. They do. And it's, you know, that's part of it. Do the other siblings talk to him? Do they have relationships? They do. They do. And that's part of it. I would have liked to have reconciled before mom died, just for her sake. But now that she's gone, I don't really see the point in it.

Were you all at the funeral together? Yeah. That was weird. That's so awful. I'm sorry I have to deal with that. It's so awkward. That's very awkward. Yeah, and his wife's weird, too. It's like she was the same way.

But then at a family reunion she'd pretend like everything's fine and she'd walk over and be like hey how come I don't get a hug and I was like what the fuck how come you don't get a hug I have a very clear picture of this kind of person but again after that that's it

nothing never only for show basically and it sucks because I actually they have kids for a while they were my only like i had one niece and two nephews and they were it they were my only like other extended family and uh they were taken away from me pretty pretty much which you know um but like i i actually my my niece reached out when she saw me on on netflix you know we're actually we've been following each other on instagram for a while but she sent a nice note after that oh that's kind of sweet

it was really sweet how old is she uh she's 20 something 22 yeah it's really cool like i think i could honestly see like us meeting and having coffee something you know yeah and it'd be really cool so that's such a you know none of my siblings have kids yet, but it just, it's just, it's, it's a dynamic. I don't know yet,

but like the degree of like, you know, these, these, it's their kids. They're your family, but you have no say you're, you're at the behest of whatever the sibling decides.

And if you and the sibling have a disagreement, like that becomes a poker chip in a terrible kind of custody-like way. I'm familiar with custody battles between parents. And it's just like a kind of an extension of that. Right. And almost like I can't hold the kids responsible. I mean, I grew up as an asshole because my parents were that way. Like growing up without, again, in a town without black people.

I know I was raised racist. I know it took a while. like growing up without again in a town without black people i'm i know i was raised racist i know it took a while to like i still kept like i still realize i'm probably racist i don't think you can grow up white in this country without being a little racist without but you have to work at you know yeah um and also like like like we didn't know any jewish people so i'm sure i was anti-semitic and we didn't know any like anything you know um we didn't know gay people you know so like every step of the way as you meet black people and Jewish people, you start to realize, oh, wow, I'm so fucking.

So, I mean, if his kids grew up transphobic, I'm not going to hold that against them. You know what I mean? Sure, sure. It's just you have to give people the time to, you know, if someone's willing to change, you can't shut them out, you know? Yeah. I guess, I don't know. I always felt like I had this hope that with social media,

like younger generations would be more accepting just because they had exposure. Or they had a friend or they followed someone who was like, oh, I like this person and they're trans so then I'm cool. But then there's this like this, at least I'm getting from Twitter, this like crazy kind of new backlash. I mean, it's not new, but it's newly focused and crystallized. And it's trans people,

and now it's drag queens. And it's just like, it feels, it's so crazy because I guess I thought, and it's foolish, this is a naive thing where I was like, oh, I thought we were moving in this direction. And it feels like this faction is like no we're gonna move way back yeah well conservatives like

the right wing has moved further to the right like their friends right wing has always hated trans people always hated gay people they always wanted to repeal gay marriage they always wanted this but like the the quote the middle of the pack like the like the more socially liberal republicans have just gone further to that direction because that's like their platform and it's just like you know it's like that's just become more they're more and more like that and i think like the shit that i see i don't know and now it's like i like like if someone i can't imagine if you have parents under this age which is even worse than when i grew up in yeah yeah there was that documentary

on uh netflix i forget what it was called but it was it was kind of about like uh how trans people this was even worse than when I grew up in. Yeah. Yeah. There was that documentary on Netflix. I forget what it was called, but it was, it was kind of about like how trans people were presented in the arts. Oh yeah. Disclosure. Disclosure. Yeah.

And it was more, it was just like fascinating of just like, oh wow. It's again, naive thought of like, yeah, this has always been around and exploited and used. And like people,

it was just around. And so it's like this idea of like it's a new thing or like it's a trend thing it's like this has always been a part of and then you go back to i mean just thinking about uh drag or just thinking all about gender spectrum you go back to i think about shakespeare and i think about how you know men playing women and i'm sure some of those actors were like they would have been been trying to do a different world. And it's, I'll never understand people's folk, like obsession or caring. I'll never understand people caring about it.

Like it's almost not even like an empathetic thing. I feel it's more just like, why do you care? Right, right. What is a threat to you or your lifestyle? Or what is in your children? You're scared of your children. It makes it such a big deal for you. I guess with children like, I always thought like, okay, like my dad,

maybe my dad wouldn't want me to be gay because he would want to be able to connect with me on the level of like, hey, look at her. Look at the legs on those. Like something about like a commonality that he'd be scared to lose. Your mom still got it, doesn't she? Your grandma's still pretty hot be scared to lose your mom still got it doesn't she your grandma's still pretty hot right see that chimpanzee over there holy shit baby no absolutely

yeah and and the thing that really bugs me when they go after trans kids like okay it let's let's say for the sake of argument this is true let's say 10 of people who transition regret it's not true it's way less than that it's way way way way less than that but when you when you give like no not when say a child that's six says like comes downstairs like i'm a girl you're like okay sure you're a girl today but then they keep doing it at some point it's like yeah you go to a therapist and you you find someone who can but you know and but i mean or or when they when they come down they say like i'm trans and you realize they just tried to cut off their penis with with nail clippers because, you know what I mean?

Like shit like that. That's the shit that happens. That's not the same as saying, like, I'm a dog. You know, it's totally different. And like people are so concerned that, oh, they don't know what they're doing. They're going to even if 10 percent of people regretted transitioning. And it's not that it's, and it's not that. It's a fraction. But that doesn't mean we need to stop treating that 90%.

We need to get better at diagnosing them. People are misdiagnosed as having cancer. That doesn't mean you stop treating cancer. And that's what I try and tell people. This fraction of the people who... If you want to make an argument that because testosterone is so powerful that, you shouldn't be able to get on testosterone until you're 18, like, for those assigned female at birth, I could see that because it's so irreversible, 100% irreversible. Yeah. Like estrogen, for the most part, yeah, it's pretty much reversible.

You know, like the puberty blocker is pretty much reversible. Testosterone, not so much. If you wanted to say, like, okay, puberty blockers, yes. Testosterone, no,. If you wanted to say like, okay, puberty blockers. Yes. Testosterone. No. Until you're 18, then you're an adult.

You do whatever you want. Fine. But for the most part, it's like kids know what they're doing for the, you know? Um, and, and,

and a lot of the time people like say an 11 year old says they're non-binary. You know, what, what does that, all that entails? Like you just say like, okay, I'm calling them.

They, them for a while. Sure. That, that's it. That, that's literally it I'm calling them they, them for a while. Sure. That's it. That's literally it. They're dressing different. They're wearing clothes.

Maybe they're cutting their hair. The fact that it's not what you're used to, it's nothing. It's absolutely nothing. And let's say that kid is, like, for that kid, it's a fad for them. Then, like, all fads. I went to a Sk8er Boiads i just went to a skater boy and my mom threw away some of the clothes that i bought because she hated them so much but it's like just let me wear them and if i'm not into this i'll move on and and by the way if a parent

just tries to push against it that's only going to reinforce it more you know definitely yeah so i think it's one of those things where you know it's like maybe when the parent does it like if they really want the kid to stop doing something the parent needs to do it too right so maybe the parent should there you go exactly exactly we're both transitioning too we're supporting you they're like fuck it I'm straight I'm super straight oh my god oh my god that'd be so fucking funny um so okay so you went to college what did you study in college uh first i went for psychology uh and then then i went back after i transitioned and i got a degree in math

so those are the two that yeah uh and what did you end up doing with that math degree this this yeah when did you start stand-up right after that well i went back yeah i pretty much yeah i think i started after i transitioned a year later, I went back to school. Uh, then a year after that, I started doing standup at open mics. Um, wow.

Uh, and did you start in New York? Uh, no Albany. Albany. I did that for like six, for five years or something like that. The funny bone there.

No, no. The funny one wasn't even open. There's only one club. It was called the comedy works. It was amazing. An amazing club. Really? I mean, it sucks sucks it's like a dunkin donuts now or something which yeah is it connected to the denver comedy no not at all not at all uh but the lack of i know

yeah comedy works isn't even okay well apparently the guy who ran it uh like the nickies they they the dad had a store called the deli Works. They used to do deli stuff. And then in the basement, they would do comedies. They called it the Comedy Works. That's where that came from. But yeah, so I would do it there. But they had open mics. And it was like, so even like,

I didn't even perform at the club for a while. But they were like Friday, Saturday, Sunday, there was a mic at three different places. I would just do that, hang out, and keep working at it. And then, but yeah, but eventually you get good enough and then then i was doing like featuring for people as i went through the comedy works that's so i was doing like like five years in and i'm doing like four half hour sets you know which you can never get that in new york sure yeah uh so it was it was it was a good place to really get going and

then i got go you know worked more and more eventually i went to move to la for a year hated it then i've been here for, like, five years. What did you hate about L.A.? Because I hated the people. I hated the driving. I hated everything. I hated the comedy scene. Comedy scene is rough.

It's the worst. It's the worst. I mean, like, really, if you're not, unless you're, like, a regular at all these places, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, unless you're a big name, you're lucky to get, like, five spots a week, you know. Sure. Usually it's, like, three a week, you week you know i went there i did a show recently i was at laugh factory and like the lineup was movie movie stars i mean i was lucky to get the time right 100 but it was like people with huge

followings and jack whitehall and right right you know rodriguez and right like oh god yeah yeah and so you've been in new york only five years something like that, yeah. But I mean, I knew so many people going through the, like so many stellar comics would come through the comedy works. Yeah. I would like meet them before and I knew them before, so. Any idols? Were any super, you were super close to? I think, like, I don't know.

Like, I remember like Mitch Fatale was probably the one that I was really like super excited to open for. Yeah. You know, of course he moved out of New York now now he's i think he's in arkansas or something like that but um yeah he's raising he's raising it like they have he and his wife had a child so they wanted to go someplace quiet uh like he was great bobcat goldthwait like i still talk to bobcat all the time yeah he he was like i got to feature him it was just amazing amazing. So, yeah. Um, and I'm always, I am always curious, like with,

with, in terms of your standup, like, you know, obviously when you go on stage, I mean, you have some jokes where you're like, you guys can tell I'm trans,

right? Like you, you always, it's like a degree of like addressing it that has to like occur at least in the beginning. Yeah. Is there like, do you ever get exhausted? Do you ever want to like,

you, you just want to be like, I have other things to talk about when I think. And I've said this before on this podcast where it's like, you know, I'm I want to have you on. And I think, you know, we're we're joke joke people. Right. And so like and there's this degree where I'm like, oh, I'm so interested, of course, in the story. When did you transition? What was your dad?

But then there's this degree of like, I'm sure every fucking person asks you this fucking question. 100%. And it's like, sometimes I don't know. I don't know what to do as like an interviewer in terms of we talked. I believe we talked about coming on the podcast originally. And you said you had coming on the podcast originally and you said you had been on a podcast help him to speaking at a turn where like it felt like you got there and it was like today's the trans show 100 having several times i mean it's not just once or twice yeah no no and i i totally feel that but the problem the problem i find when i run into

like if i go on stage it almost feels like people stare at me like it's a magic eye puzzle you know trying to figure out if I'm trans. Yeah. So they're not really listening if they're trying to figure out that I'm trans, you know what I mean? So I kind of have to get that out of the way. Yeah. And then when I do, it's usually like a relief.

And then from that point on, the second I can do whatever I want. Sure. And to be honest, being trans does affect every aspect of my life. So it touches every aspect of my life that I talk about. You know, I can't talk about dating without mentioning that i'm trans because it's different i can't mention like what it's like you know clothes shopping because my body's different you know i every facet like like jobs you know like it was tougher to get a job when i transitioned you know i tell people like any kind of job yeah i was working retail for a while and like as a guy i was never turned down

for a promotion it felt like like i had something like seven or eight times. Sometimes people would even ask me if I'd apply for a promotion and I would get it. Uh, but then I transitioned. I never once got a promotion in retail, you know, and you could say that's cause I'm cause you know, that's what happens to women or trans people or both, you know, but it's like, like things like that. So it does affect every aspect of my life, whether I it to or not uh but still yeah there's some things i would just like to

talk about stupid shit too yeah yeah yeah um uh well uh let's go on to our next segment this has got to stop this has got to stop that's the music that. That's the Douglas Goodheart. Alright. That was quick. Yeah. Oh, he has long ones too. I feel like I'm defending Douglas. That was quick. Are you saying that was long? I'm just saying that was literally short. That was literally this has got to stop. This has got to

stop. This has got to stop. Do you have a this has got to stop? I don't even think that was a second long. This has got to stop. It's like 1.2 seconds. It's short. Okay. This has got to stop? I don't even think that was a second long. This has got to stop. It's like 1.2 seconds. It's short, okay? This has got to stop. Four seconds. That's not how you count seconds.

Yeah, okay. One and a half. Fucking Greenwich Mean Time over here. Fucking metronome. All right. I might do one too today, but tell us what's your this has got to stop. I didn't know I had to name something that has to stop. Oh, do you want a second to think about it? No, I think all the people who play loud music outside my apartment. That's got to stop. I didn't know I had to name something that has to stop. Oh, do you want a second to think about it?

No, I think all the people who play loud music outside my apartment. That's got to stop. So where are you? What neighborhood? I live in Bushwick. I think it's mostly Dominican still. So most of the music I hear is like tuba, accordion, loud. Now, if you had said... I don't know.

Okay, what's your... Get dug in here. Because I'm trying to think if someone was like, do Dominican music. Well, I live in Inwoods. It's very Dominican. What kind of music would it be? I don't know how to describe it accurately,

but when you said Dominican music, I was like, yes, I know. Like, it's very... The accordion is specific. Yeah, there's very the accordion is specific there's like literally accordion and there's like brass yeah it's almost like mariachi but not quite but it's also yeah uh-huh um is it is there regular regularity to the music is it like certain nights or is it like just most nights in the summer it's all the time yeah it's all the time i't. It's so annoying. I used to do where I may have said it before in Harlem. I sometimes people play music ungodly early in the morning.

Some some guy in this motor scooter came around with like the stereo on the back. And you're always wanted to. If I could put put them like in a police interrogation room and be like, what are you getting from this? What are you getting off on this? Why? Are you reaffirmed in your masculinity? There's no need for this. What is going on?

Who is this for? Are you just trying to be mad? And I would come out. I remember coming out at six in the morning. I put on my bathrobe and I said, I'm sorry. I just got my baby to sleep and he's sick

and I just he keeps waking up please would you mind and I could see them for a moment because I know plenty of people would confront them and they'd go fuck you

and turn it up louder but I would come off as so desperate I would see them go like fuck you and then be like fine and then go off and it worked

that's amazing and it worked and so i had this imaginary have you ever been like turn turn this down please no i usually just call 3-1-1 when i call 3-1-1 all the time all the fucking time and you do it on your cops your cops adverse you wouldn't call 3-1-1 you would call 3-1-1 if the tuba was in my mouth no that's trombone trombone if they were hitting you with the tra was in my mouth. No, that's trombone. Trombone. If they were hitting you with the trombone. No, I wouldn't. That's grandmother blowjob.

When I first moved to New York, I was subletting an apartment in Brooklyn. And the way the apartment worked was, first of all, it was just for a month. There was no air conditioning and it was the summer. And the windows lined up like perfectly with the windows of the house right next door. So like you would be like two feet from someone. And it was summer. So it's so hot. You have to have the window open and a fan in the window.

But every morning. So there's this Indian family that lived right next door. Every morning this little boy would come to the window and yell at me. And like it would be like 6 a.m. And he'd be like yelling at me. And I would. And like so the first couple of days. Wait a minute. Yelling at you what? He would just. I didn't know what he was saying. But he was like. He would just be, like, 6 a.m., and he'd be, like, yelling at me. And I would, and, like, so the first couple days. Wait a minute.

Yelling at you what? He would just, I didn't know what he was saying, but he was, like, he would just kind of, like, talk to me, but, like, kind of loudly and, like, not, he wouldn't stop. He would just keep, and I, they didn't have blinds either. And I was, like, I'm not going to go buy blinds for this apartment. So I just would be, like, I just ignored it the first couple days. But then it turned into, like, a psychological torture where he would every morning come yell at me and say things and I would be like,

where is your mom? I'd be like, I got to the point where I was like, go away, like leave me alone. That boy's name is Dev Patel. But it was crazy

and I didn't know who to go to. I was like, I can't call like 301 of those little boys. Do I walk over and knock on the door and be like, your son's talking to me

every morning. Your son sucks. Do something with him. But yeah. You have a, this guy stopped. I, no, I want to, I want to, I wonder where that boy is now. I mean, well, he would be 10 years older. 10, 11 years older.

Do you think he was like mentally something? You know, no, he seemed fine. No, he was six. Yeah, he was just like a little kid who was, you know, fucking with me. Yes. Okay, so I have a this has got to stop. I guess it's kind of a this has got to stop. Maybe this kind of a, so I did a radio promo thing.

I was traveling. Those are always big. Yeah, yeah. It's very funny because sometimes people talk I was traveling. Those are always big. Yeah. Yeah. It's very funny because like sometimes people talk about like those are pretty dead. Those are pretty dead. I've done like three in my whole touring life. Let's do a print ad.

And it was – so maybe there's more of a story than this. I've got to stop. I'm still going to tell it. We're doing the interview and then all of a sudden than this, gotta stop, I'm still gonna tell it. We're doing the interview, and then all of a sudden they go to the commercial, and it's like, it's for like a politician ad, where the politician's like,

I'm pro-guns, pro-life, and fuck liberals. And I'm like, what am I, where am I, what am I doing? And it wasn't like I was on Compound Media,

like I was just like, oh, I thought this was just a fun little radio. Right, right, right. And it's something that, this is more like, and I feel like men do this sometimes where he's telling me this story. He's telling someone else's story. And he's like, and then we were at the bar.

I went to, this guy, he went to the comedy show. And this fat hag was like, hey, buddy. And it's like this moment where I'm like, you can't just call someone Fat Hag as the first thing you say about them. And luckily, this Fat Hag did something really insane during the story. So it was like, oh, they're bad. Right. But it was like that moment where I feel like this has got to stop is that when you're having a conversation with someone on something like this, you have to be cognizant of are you forcing the person into a scenario where they have to agree? You can say, like, I ran into this person. You know, I thought they were like, bah, bah, bah.

But, like, you try – you, like, make someone enter – you have – someone thought they were like, but like you try, you'd like make someone enter. You have someone has to be like, hey, don't say that. It's the way that you can't just say that in a way where you act like I'm on the same page with you. Right. Because then I'm confronted with a choice of am I going to like accept your cruelty and come off as a dick? Yeah. Like, it's just something that I've noticed, and I feel like I have to figure out as a comedian, because, you know, you do.

We had this moment on this podcast, which was funny, and I think we handled it okay, where someone's This Has Got to Stop was big Louisiana women. And then we tried to investigate it. And we were like, okay, let's talk more about what needs to stop about those women. And then he was like, that they're so big. And we're like, okay, let's talk more about what needs to stop about those. And then he was like, that they're so big. And we're like, okay, yes. Just as I thought it was a problematic thought.

That man's name was Dave Attell. Ryan's a Dev Patel. Maybe there's something. I don't know. I think there's something wrong with my head if I'm doing that. And I was fine in that moment. I felt like I was fine because it was like, what was my podcast? I knew him for a while

so I was able to be like, well, we don't agree with that. That's on you. If I met a big Louisiana woman, I would probably be excited. I bet she probably can cook the shit out of Southern food. I would be ecstatic. He kept saying, you know me, I like Big Whim.

He was sleeping with them. Then you like them. It was very confusing. Then we said, what about the big men? He was like, they're big too. We were like, so what? What about big Arkansas women? What about big Russell sitting across from you? I was looking at Russell like, are you going to handle this one?

This is not my territory. I'm not offended personally. But it's just something about that. Like, I think if you're like a host, you have to be like cognizant of it. And I think like just some old school guys, they'll say stuff and you're like, what are you doing, dude? Yeah, fat hag is hard. A lot of road comics will still do that stuff. It's like they've been stuck in a time warp.

You know, or they've been stuck in the 90s for comedy forever. I remember being early in comedy where I was on, and thank God, it was like truly zero people watched on Facebook. It was like a live stream. Almost as many as were on your radio promo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. And it was some guy, and he was like, when I like to hit a woman, I like to go up to her and be like, give me your panties. I want to sniff them in the bathroom.

Oh, my God. And I just remember being like, wait, was that a joke? It was like in cell pickup lines. Like there's a good Twitter account about like, like that's how he hits on women. And I'm just there on the Facebook live. And at the moment I'm not, I'm not understanding. No one's watching this.

And I was just, I had the feeling like the whole country is watching. How is Joe Marco going to respond to this horribly misogynistic comment? And I would practice that look in the camera where I'm like, well, I don't agree with this. I'm not going to say anything because, you know, that would be awkward. But just so you know, I'm a good guy. So that's why this has got to stop. It's just

men. I agree. And let's go on to our final segment. This is a little bit longer. You better count your blessings. Yeah, that was a good six, seven seconds. Yeah. I think it was nine.

I think you underplay. Do you want to time it? No, that sounds like the worst podcast content. All right, no. We can do this shit. I don't care. It's your podcast, not mine. This is the...

I'm going to play the outro music, which is infinite. Yeah. I'm going to play it for a long time. All right. Well, how many seconds do you think it is? Five. All right. Those at home, take a guess.

All right. I'm going to try to do... All right. Ready? Russell, on three. Which one? It at home, take a guess. All right, I'm going to try to do... All right, ready? Russell, on three. It's the green one. Okay. One, two, three.

You better count your blessings. Russell's out. Jay's out. Jamarco's the winner. Wow. Ten seconds. Ten seconds. Wow.

All right. Do you have a blessing yeah it's really boring this is what is that I just have a quick one I'm my blessing is that we have this

Uncle Function thing tonight and then we're taking a little break I'm relieved to have the summer a little bit of time from Uncle Function

being off so that's my blessing you just need, you need some recharge. I do. We've been going, we've been doing shows a lot and it's, you know,

it'll be nice. Yeah. Yeah. Um, uh, my blessing with a little complaint, I did a, I did a short film shoot yesterday.

It's been a long time since I've acted in this capacity. Oh yeah. I forgot how slowly you always forget how slowly film moves and you're really like i if you collectively put all the time that i was needed it was 10 minutes right uh and it was good it was a lindsey elizabeth hand my longtime uh producer collaborator uh produced it. Alex Forstenhauser, friend of Uncle Function, wrote and directed it. But there was an action sequence at the end. And this is now like one in the morning.

We're pushing. We're pushing the time. And like as an actor, you're always – sometimes people have action sequences. You're like, oh, well, on a TV show, like this would would be a whole day of, like, practicing and blocking so we don't get hurt. And I guess my blessing is that I didn't get hurt doing a very long single shot of me getting pepper sprayed. Oh. Like, kind of very fast moving down some stairs, getting a trash can thrown at me, then kicked, and then. That's literally how I get off.

That's why we kept having to do takes. I kept coming, and they were like, God damn it. Get the chimpanzee out of here. It's too much. Overload. And there's lots of moments like that as an actor

where you're trying not to be difficult, but you're like, I'm nervous, and what I'm getting paid for this day will not cover the hospital expenses if i get injured or the physical training i once did a shoot on on the street corner when i was a new actor non-union film and they gave me they said okay you're gonna have a gun and this is on the streets new york and you're not even supposed to have like no no any kind of guy this was like a bb gun but it was shaped to look exactly like a whatever a real handgun and they're like you take it and then and i was like

there's gonna i kept thinking it was like gonna be a sniper on the roof that was just gonna shoot me and this guy was pushing this guy was not this was bad behavior yeah he was like come on don't be such a pussy don't be such a big louisiana woman about it okay and uh i remember i i held my ground there because i was scared i was gonna get killed it was freezing so my blessing is that i did not get injured i had a great time on the shoot alex it was fine i did fine lindsey you were great and that's my blessing is that my body but i can i know my i know i'm getting older right i know i'm getting older and i know that like a twist in the ankle is going to last a lot longer now. Wow.

Your blessing is that you didn't die. Yeah. All right. Well, maybe we should be thankful for that every day. That's good. That's good. And, Jay, do you have a blessing? Yeah, things are going great.

I have my Netflix thing with Amy Schumer. I've gotten, like, I don't know, something like 5,000 Insta followers this week. It's been crazy. What do you call it? Since, like, the word special. Yeah. I mean, I've gotten like 5,000 Insta followers this week. It's been crazy. What do you call it? Since like the word special. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. It's Amy Schumer's parental advisory, and it's like seven minutes on her special. But also I'm recording an album in July, and I'm excited about that.

Where are you recording it? Yeah, things are Union Hall. What day are you recording it? Great. Knock on wood. July 19th. Great. So you can promote that here. Sure. Have you sold it out. July 19th. Great. So you can

promote that here. Have you sold it out yet? Not yet. Okay. So this is coming out on July 12th. How convenient. Oh, nice.

So July 19th, where? Union Hall. Union Hall. What times? 7.30 and 10. Two shows. Great.

Yeah. And how long are you going to do? Are you going to do an hour? Probably like 45. 45. Yeah. That's really exciting. What's the name of the album going to do? Are you going to do an hour? Probably like 45. 45. Yeah. That's really exciting. What's the name of the album?

Not sure yet. Probably going to go with Daddy's Girl. Daddy's Girl. Yeah. I think that's pretty good. Good, good, good. All right. So go check that out.

Anything else you want to plug? No, that's really it. That's really it. You're at the Cellar a lot. Come see us at the Cellar. Yeah. We hang out at the Cellar all the time. Get some good food.

Talk trendy jokes. Yeah. all the time. Get some good food. Talk trendy jokes. All the time. I feel like the door has been opened. Like, hey, so this joke. You totally say that to me. Russell, anything you want to plug? No, I guess I'll just keep plugging that. September 21st show in LA.

That's fine. That's great. Uncle Function in LA. Dynasty Typewriter. Nice, great place. September 21st. Great LA. That's fine. That's great. Uncle Function in LA. Dynasty Typewriter. Nice. Great place. September 21st. Great venue. Yeah. Well, if you're in LA, just so you know, the day before that, I'll be headlining the

Hollywood Improv Lab. So if you want to see that, that day and then Uncle Function the next day, they're not competing against each other. No, no. Are you doing any radio promos for it? I hope so. I'm going to go back to that guy guy be like any other fat hag stories let's talk about fat guys that's fine if you want to tell me like a fat guy story but again it's hack again it's hack yeah uh uh but i hope they have me back to promote next time i'm in san francisco um do you want to

plug our live podcast uh yes but you should do it because I don't remember the details. So hopefully Russell will be there. If you love The Downside, come see us live August 14th. We're doing our second ever live recording, 6 p.m. to 7.30. We just locked down our guest, Usama Siddiqui, who's done this podcast before and is always a good time. So check that out. If you do love the podcast and you listen to this one you can write me and come up with a code word

and look at a free ticket oh me? yeah I was going to do I was trying to think of a phrase from the show but they're all like long phrases they're all derogatory this has got to stop

message a slur to Russell DGS noatory. This has got to stop. Message a slur to Russell. DGS. No, TGS. This has got to stop. Okay, message TGS to me or Russell. Yeah, or me. And we'll get you a free ticket to that. Other than that, just go to my Instagram.

I am about to be in Toronto July 22nd, 23rd. We have City Steam Hartford, Connecticut August 5th and 6th and yeah, just go to my Instagram and come to all the things we appreciate you and just know that ultimately

every single one of us is going to transition into the ground, this is The Downside 1, 2, 3 Downside is going to transition into the ground. This is the downside.