The Downside with Gianmarco Soresi - #97 Face Eating Cats with Lauryn Petrie

Episode Date: August 16, 2022

TRIGGER WARNING: abuse, suicide, death, murder, gore. Today’s episode is about working at a morgue. It’s pretty intense. Ian “The Button Pusher” Fidance filled in as co-host, which is good, because if Russell had been he would have thrown up all over the floor. If this isn’t your bag, all good, but please at least send it to your screwed up friend who loves this stuff.   Former mortician Lauryn Petrie joins to discuss conducting autopsies while listening to Cardi B, the horrors of morgue hazing, freezing bodies until the family can afford a funeral, covid testing corpses, the ethics of stealing from the dead, and why your rescue cat might have a taste for human flesh. You can watch full video of this episode HERE! Follow Lauryn Petrie on Instagram and Twitter Listen to Lauryn's podcast, Alien Murder Sex on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Follow Gianmarco Soresi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, & YouTube Subscribe to Gianmarco Soresi's email & texting lists Check out Gianmarco Soresi's monthly show in NYC (first Sunday of every month) Get tickets to see Gianmarco Soresi in a city near you Watch Gianmarco Soresi's special "Shelf Life" on Amazon Follow Russell Daniels on Twitter & Instagram E-mail the show at [e-mail] Produced by Paige Asachika & Gianmarco Soresi Video edited by Spencer Sileo Special Thanks Tovah Silbermann Part of the Authentic Podcast Network Original music by Douglas Goodhart Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, Debbie Downsiders. My name, I'm trying to make that name stick. Tell me if you like it, or if you have any, Negative Nancy. I feel like Nancy sometimes is like, yo, he's a Nancy boy. Debbie Downsiders I really like. Debbie Downsiders, I never thought I would ever do this, because I feel like there's a part of me that's like, no, don't. This is a trigger warning.

This is the first downside trigger warning this episode is fucking intense Russell is Ian Finance is the guest co-host Russell is out of town and thank god because Russell would have thrown up all over the god damn floor he would have fainted

I swear to god he would have fainted our guest the very funny and fascinating Lauren Petrie floor, he would have fainted. I swear to God he would have fainted. Our guest, the very funny and fascinating Lauren Petrie, worked at a morgue. So this episode is about working

at a morgue. And it's with a comedian so there is, we are we're talking some intense stuff. So if you don't like this, if the dead body stuff really bothers you, this might not be the episode for you. And even in the episode, I joked, I said, you know, if death, dead bodies bother you,

get over it. And then 10 minutes later into these stories, I was like, I can't handle this. It was very good. And Lauren was a fantastic guest. It just is not for the faint of heart. So feel free to skip this one if you like. I promise the next one will not be as dead body focused.

And, you know, if you have some fucked up friends who are into this shit, maybe this is the one to send them to start with. But I just want to give you a heads up. Again, I really never thought I would do this. But I care about you guys. And I thank you for listening to this episode. So enjoy it at your own risk. This is The Downside. Welcome to The Downside.

My name is Joe Marcus Oresi. If this is your first time listening, this is a show where we explore the negatives of things. We celebrate the bad. No, that's the wrong way to put it. You'd think I'd have it by now. We look at the good things in life and say, you know what? Not so good. There are people it's not good for.

And I'm very excited. Well, I'm not excited. Russell, we miss you. But today we have second time co-hosting, guest co-host, Ian Fidance. Welcome, Ian. Thank you so much. I am so glad Russell is not here. Yeah.

We have a fun dynamic switch because Russell is normally like, I say the thing and Russell goes, Chamaka, you can't say that. But then when you come on here. I go, say it. I become the beta of the podcast real fast. You come in here. You take over. I swing dick.

You should watch out. And is everything good with you, bad with you, something? Things are great. You don't have to say that for this. No, I think I like this because I'm Mr. Positive because I have HIV. Do you? No. What?

I was like, wait a minute. What? Shut up. That would have been a great way to do the- Yeah, that would have upstaged all my shit. I'd be like, well, that's our focus for today. I know. My AIDS story.

God, why don't you have AIDS? I like being positive and finding the good in things. So you're a glass half empty. I'm a glass half full of cum. So I think it'll be a good time. That's what someone in a roast battle, they said, Jamarco, you tall glass of cum. And it was one of those that it wasn't like,

it's not a great joke. I like it. But it destroyed it. We're here with our guest, Lauren Petrie. How are you doing? I'm good, man. I'm good. I hate my job, but besides that, besides fucking hating my day job with a fucking passion.

This is The Downside. One, two, three. Downside. You're listening to The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco The Downside. The Downside. With Gianmarco Cerezi. So this is a very special episode. We have a theme or something we're digging deeper into,

but we'll get to that in a second. I want to complain about something. Go for it. I just got back from JFL. Yes. I can't talk about it much on this podcast because it was good. Yeah. And that's not what people want to hear.

What? Talk about it. Be good. It's one of these things you just, I don't know, it's hard to talk about it where it just feels like I'm also content. It's like I don't feel the need.

I feel just for this is going to be a couple days at most, I feel validated and like I'm doing okay lots of big dick energy from you yeah yeah yeah that is that's rare that's rare i try to tell myself can i live in a world where things are okay you know what i mean like can i exist where things are working out and things are fine instead of always having to have an issue or something, you know. And that kind of feels kind of good because I know when things are good, I go, well, what's the what's the catch?

Sure. What is this going to end? And it's like, yeah, just try to exist in good. That's really hard. This is your I feel like we have to change this episode to the upside. I mean, this is like if this is like if I went on Guys We Fucked and preached abstinence right now. Yeah. Here's what I want

to complain about. One, two, three. Button pushers. Upside. Upside. All right, that's it. I thought, what was the other sound thing

that I kept hitting last time? I think, let's see what... We have that. Yeah. Yeah. There. Social distancing was hard for me because other than,

there was stand up, just some stand up just in case the show dies. I love that. That's one. And then what's, this has got to stop.

Okay, all right, we're back. This has got to stop. We're back to this episode. Sorry, Gianmarco's like, this has got to stop.

Yes. So, don't give you buttons. We, I know I have to flip this thing around. So. You're making me feel positive.

This isn't good. I mean. Oh my God. Oh my God. It's been like my whole, you know, I was homeless and I was a drug addict

and then I came to do comedy and like my whole life there's always been shit. There's always been bad, bad, bad shit. And I can relate to that because my parents are divorced. Oh, fuck.

Yeah. So what I want to say is, so it's very exciting, cool week. But at some point in between, like, I was new faces in between, like, the first showcase, which was the big one, and then some other shows, there was, like, a boat ride. It was like, I knew it was not like a cru d'etat on a yacht. It was like a whitewater rafting. It was called, like, a jet boat or something. So it's, like, 40 people on a boat but going through waves that's great and it was it was more of like an industry thing so it was like being on a boat with like a lot of people that i've i would love to know me and like me and could give me potential work opportunities and some

people from my management agency so i'm on this boat and it ends up being way more intense and i wanted intense but beyond even the level boat ride or the boat ride so they would do some though there's very little talking because it was like they would create waves they would call it like the roller coaster and you would go and they would create these big waves and then like go in it and you would be that and i was sitting front row because this is my shit. This is what I want to do on a trip, an activity. But,

like the second wave, I, instead of like curling in like they recommended, and I was in the front, I turned my head and this wave hit me. I've never been punched

in the face fully. Oh, it sucks. This was, I felt like I heard my neck make a noise. Yeah. My jaw suddenly seized in pain. My neck.

Hilarious. If I was not on that boat with the booker for the late night, I would have gone into a hypochondria tailspin. A, like, I think I fucked up my neck. I can't believe I self-sabotaged this week for me. And my jaw was throbbing. And it was just one of these moments where I truly pretended like I was okay and not freaking out.

That's what you do when you get punched in the face too. You just like walk it off. You're like, what? But if I was punched in the face, I'd be screaming. I'd be crying. Now, did you have anyone you could confide in and be like, that? But if I was punched in the face, I'd be screaming. I'd be crying. Now, did you have anyone you could confide in and be like, that shit fucked me up? Well, Tova was right next to me.

Oh, yeah. But again, we were all like tightly packed. And there were more waves to come. Sounds like a nightmare. So for like all the rest of the waves, I didn't even look up. I just kept it tucked down. I couldn't do that. I'd have to be myself yeah and just be like this fucking

sucks it might have like gotten you you know this sucks michael cox they would have liked it maybe yeah if you were just like if you went to the hypochondriac thing he was not there at this one yeah if i had leaned in they would have been like there's a famous story um uh christian bale was in that boxing movie with amy adams i forget what it was called but there was a casting session for like the sisters Boston sisters and I guess it was an open call and they ended the casting session couldn't see anyone and apparently one of the actors she started just like cursing up a storm in the room just like what the fuck I've been waiting here all fucking day and like once in a blue moon the director comes down I was like who is that yeah who has that raw yeah raw

anger and you know people hear that? Who has that raw raw anger? And you know people hear that story and they're like got it. I know what to do next time an audition's going over. Everyone gets kicked out for being unprofessional. And then they never work again. But. Oh yeah that happened to me once. Really? Yeah. What? Well I was like

watching all these YouTube videos of like actors taking a risk and being like no this is my role uh-huh like or or just like being some sort of like what the fuck is that and people are like whoa do that again so i had a line audition for an amazon prime show that was like the bathrooms this way and the and you're like i know how to make this the casting director kept being like you're doing too much you're doing doing to understand it, understand it. And I did it.

I walked out. I get downstairs. I light a smoke. And finally, I'm saying it the way she wanted me to say it. And I go, you know what, man? Go up there. Tell her. Oh, God.

Give me another shot. I got this. And so I go, this is your fucking moment. I go up there. I knock on the door. I go, hey, I know I just did the audition. Give me one more shot. I can, this is your fucking moment. I go up there. I knock on the door. I go, hey, I know I just did the audition. Give me one more shot. I can nail this.

And she goes, I'm eating my lunch. You're lucky I like you because I'm going to let you, but never do this again and never tell anyone I let you do this. And I go, okay. And that shook all of my confidence. And I go in. I do it again. She goes, you're still doing too much.

And then that was it. Oh, no. I thought that much. And then that was it. Oh, no. I thought that story was going to really turn around. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. That is so funny. I loved it.

I walked out shell-shocked. Just like, what happened? I love from her point of view, in her mind, she's like, maybe this kid's got it. And she's like, no. Yeah, for my one line on an Amazon Prime show where I'm like a maitre d'. How are you saying this line? Yeah, what was the line? Hey, the bathroom's that way. How are you doing too much?

You say it every day as a comedian. We have to say that to someone. They ask us where the bathroom is. Hey, bathroom's that way. How would you do it? Let's get your room bathroom is hey bathroom's that way i wait how would you do it let's get your bathrooms that way when i get to be myself and just be ian i fucking nail it but the second i had to like be someone else i i like get in my head like i i don't know whatever i've gotten more shit since then i've learned this was like 2017 but uh holy shit did that suck

that is amazing i was i had an agent when i was a kid i was a child actor oh that explains it yeah it's fuck yes and uh dream what'd you act in i was in a movie with goldie hawn called hope and i was the villain whoa and i said the n word on cable really yes wow yeah john Marco, pull it up. It's a civil rights movie. And I was the bad. Jenna Malone's the star and I was the bad girl. Dude, that's great. How old were you in this movie?

I was 14. And you're the bad? I was the bad girl. And a scene got cut where we were fighting and there's a whole bunch of background shit. But anyway. Wow. Why did you say, was it an improvised line when you said that? No, it was in the script.

Yeah. Yeah, we'll just throw that out at 14. That was one of her off-camera moments where she's yelling the N-word. They're like, we gotta do that again.

We gotta use that. You're in. I wasn't that Texas, but. Dude, that is wild. Wouldn't it be so funny? You know, the episode of The Simpsons when they're like,

say the line, and Bart's like, I didn't do it. Like, what if that's like I didn't do it like what if that was your I didn't do it where everyone's coming up to you on the street and be like say the M word line luckily it never was that successful it was just like a movie of the week

what was that like on set you know this was 97 no one was woke Goldie Hawn kept like walking around going oh that's such a terrible word, nobody should say it. Of course. Ahead of her time.

True. I always remember Raul Boykins had a tweet once that he said in a movie, he's never, every time an actor plays a slave owner

or has to say the N-word, their acting is incredible. He basically was just like, when white actors do it, you're like, wow, they really seem to tap into that real quick.

They didn't have to do any method acting for that one. You can hold it in for like a fart like when white actors do it, like you're like, wow, they really seem to tap into that real quick. They didn't have to do any method acting for that one. You can hold it in for like a fart in a relationship. That would be, I mean, if I got cast, it would have to be a prestige movie for me to say that on film. I have friends, you know,

with all these, I have friends who say, oh yeah, I got friends who say, hey, what else am I supposed to, you know, not white friends. Describe my mailman. So am i supposed to you know not white friend describe my mailman

so i uh you know with like michael chase sketch show sam jay um uh what was that show with jack knight god rest his soul uh busting down or busting bust down the bust bust down yeah yeah so there are like these roles where we all and and I didn't get it, which, you know, good, good or bad. But there were all these roles where like friends of mine had to say the N word on camera because they were like the racist white guy or like the out of touch white guy. And they're doing these auditions where they're like, hi, I'm so-and-so five foot four, Brooklyn, New York. And I'm reading for the role of racist white. Hey! And I'm like, you could not pay,

even if you were like, you're just doing, you're going to get the role, whatever. I would not put myself on tape saying that word and throwing it out there. Absolutely not. In your apartment. What?

That's encrypted. I'm delivering that on a stick. You don't know who's seeing it, what they're doing with it. Do you think if you had said that word at the end of your the bathroom's that way line, it would have made sense with the energy you're bringing to it? Yes.

Yes. Yes. The bathroom's that way. Am I forgiven because I was 14? No. Yeah. Repent. Jump out the window.

So I don't know. It's insane that some of my friends did that. I've always thought about. Oh, it's insane. Well, I've always thought I always wanted to write a show about working at LOL Comedy Club. And not like in the comedy room, but like I thought of like a play like The Green Room because I just felt like it was a fascinating intersection of cultures. And me in this room with like just a lot of like older black road comics yes and me in a green room it's just something fascinating totally even if i was typing it out on the paper

yeah with my name on it yeah i would feel this weird thing of like well i don't want to i don't even want to type it yeah especially because you're doing speak to text you're not you're not oh fuck that's so funny. But I also would feel like, I also hate when I read something and someone censors a word, like with the star, because you're just like, well,

what games are you playing now? But it's also like, if I'm going to write real dialogue from that, from that room, that'd be insane if I didn't. Yeah. If it wasn't half.

Oh dude, if I had a fucking nickel for every time that was said in that room, I'd be fucking, you know, I wouldn't be here right now i'd be on a yacht channel your inner tarantino yeah that's right no but i i came up in philly in the black scene i worked the black room in philly because they specifically needed white like diversity but it was before you you we sent so it was like we need a white you free saturday and i'm like

i'll be your white and it's i i loved it made me such a better comic made me so much better of like an understanding person of you know i really i i almost pity people that didn't absolutely have those experiences because they're so out of touch with like a very real part of society that like most people don't get to see. All right, well, we've reached our racial quota for a podcast with three white people today, so let's move on to... I'm black on the inside because I smoke.

You're actually like... My lungs. Yes, your lungs are black on the inside. You actually look like crushed up pizza on the inside. Well, there we go. So, Lauren, we're very happy to have you, but we also wanted to talk about what you worked at. I worked at the

Manhattan Morgue for the whole time. Yeah, this is... This is what we're diving into today. Yeah, this is what happened. When COVID hit... I've never seen someone look like their job. Anyway, go ahead. I take that as a high compliment. That's awesome. Thank you.

I don't work there anymore. Goddamn. I mean, God was sexy. Can I ask, do people work at morgues? Does it feel like they're more on the- Well, we'll get there, dude. No, it was a bunch of people from the projects. Do they wear colors sometimes too?

People didn't give a fuck. Nobody thought it was interesting. I was the goth girl going like, yeah, show me that fucking ripped apart body from the train. And they were like, what's wrong with you, girl? You need Jesus. You know, the whole time. When did you work there?

OK, so back a little backstory. Right before the pandemic, I was in a really bad situation and a bad relationship with bedbugs. And it was terrible. I escorted to get out of that situation because I don't have rich family or anything. And then sex work. Yeah, yeah, I don't have rich family or anything. And then. Oh, like sex work. Yeah, yeah, I did.

With bed bugs? No, no, I went to their place. I did it for only two weeks. I didn't like it. And then, I mean, I'd done it before, but I was like last resort shit. And then I got an apartment away from that guy and things were better. And then COVID hit like that week. And I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't waitress. I couldn't do comedy. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't waitress. I couldn't do comedy. I couldn't bartend. I couldn't do anything. Was escorting still going on during COVID? Right before. Right before. Right before.

But then, of course, it killed that industry too. I didn't want to keep doing it. So I was just fucked. And I've been homeless before in my life. So I always am freaked out that I'm going to be homeless. And I just got into a safe environment. I'm like am i going to do and you know this is march 2020 and i'm looking around i'm like well like the hospitals are busy the fucking morgue is busy and i have zero medical experience i have a fucking crazy background but i just applied and they got right

back to me applied for what morgue tech because that's what they were hiring for. And what is that? First job I got was three months at Kings County at the height of COVID, just putting bodies into refrigerated trucks. And we had to wait outside the ICU for people to die and then to get them out of there for new patients to go in. Because it was just like filling up. There were dead people in body bags in the waiting rooms we had to go get. Oh, my God.

I would get like COVID on my foot. body bags in the waiting rooms we had to go get oh my god i would get like coven on my foot for those for those for those listening i you know this is definitely gonna be a dark episode so if you if you have trouble with with dead bodies uh you should especially listen to this episode because it's time to grow the fuck up yeah um uh that's the i guess that would be like the opposite of a trigger warning like come on yeah on. Like, get the fuck. Come on. I don't trust anyone that hasn't been around death. So how many dead bodies have you seen? How many dead bodies have you seen?

So many. I've only seen my grandma when she was very ill. Yeah. She was like practically gone. She was like on life. It was a question of are they going to pull the plug or not? And my grandpa wanted me to sing a song for her. And it was, in my head, I had the worst fantasy of, like, the song. You sang a song?

She'd, like, squeeze. Like, she'd give a squeeze. Like, my song would somehow awaken her from the waves of death. I was probably, like, probably in college. I was probably 19 or 20. Wait, and you were to sing a song at her funeral? No, I did sing at her funeral, but at her bed. Like when she was like just kind of basically in front of people or just her?

Last breath. I believe my grandfather was there and then maybe my father. So yeah, it was the first time my dad had to see me perform. Captive audience. Yes. Wow. And my grandpa, yeah, he'll play music. At that point, what the fuck do you do? You play music and you just hope

that residents have a good day. How was the performance? Did you kill? What if she's hating it? She could be hating it, of course. Of course. Dude, what the hell to not be able to be trapped in your own body and mind and then have your grandson singing and you just want to be like, shut the fuck up.

Maybe that would be a way. Kill me. Just stop, stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she'd be like, pull the plug. It's like that Metallica video for one when he's nodding Morse code,

but it's just like, please stop. Please. So I consider that like really confronting. Like my girlfriend and I got into, I said, if I died, would you like

give my forehead a kiss would you give my body like a hug or something and she said she said no and I got very upset why because she would be

freaked out she just she's like me and I realized when I see a dead mouse I struggle for me to pick it up with tongs yeah but you don't have

a fucking intimate relationship with the mouse sure but it's just you're just a you're not loving the mouse making life plans with the mouse. What dead bodies have you seen? I mean, I saw a dead body every year

for fucking three years in a row, starting at six. Where do you live? Open casket? Are you talking about your... Open casket. Your father? Fucking great uncle.

Oh, no, four. Great uncle, grandfather, great aunt, dad, break. So, open casket, that, four. Great uncle, grandfather, great aunt, dad, break. So open casket, that's how. Three years later, 12-year-old cousin. And then I think I was all right for a little. And then the next one was a grandfather. That raised me.

Is this because, why was it open casket? What religion is this, that they're it open casket what religion is this that they're all open casket catholic oh my god yeah yeah that's a thing that's a catholic thing yeah oh jesus christ see him goodbye which which did any of them did did they all shake you to your core was it was your your dad the most upsetting the first one the the first one was like uh my great uncle dicky and i was like oh whatever i don't even know this guy i was like a little kid and then my grandfather and i was only i had just met him like maybe two months before he died and that shook me because it shook my dad and then obviously my

fucking dad was the worst yeah imaginable. And then, yeah. So you were homeless. I was, yeah. Wait, at a Catholic, do you... I've thought about, you know, when my father had heart surgery and thinking about him, and I would absolutely, like,

give his body a hug, touch his hair. Oh, I had to be yanked out of the funeral home. I wouldn't let go of my dad. Yeah, it was a fucking nightmare, yeah yeah i imagine so bodies coming out of this hospital like 300 a day what so and at at the time i was doing a conspiracy podcast i had to quit because people were just telling me i was making it up and those weren't covid bodies and i was full of shit that was really god really upsetting they thought you who had done the conspiracy podcast just hopped on board of of the man's lie yeah yeah yeah that's uh that's not good it was very

frustrating did it change the way you thought about those people it changed my whole view of conspiracy yeah really changed in what way i used well i used to be really into like 9-11 truth and it just made me like going through a real emergency a real serious situation and seeing that these are not people plotting these are just doctors going to work you know people are just people they're not like in some giant organized you know thing to kill everybody or is it a thing that the conspiracy is that it's not the doctors and the people on the ground it's the puppet masters there's definitely groups of people crashing the global market and benefiting off of it sure and i think 9-11 did benefit people i think they just let it happen but i was into some crazy shit and

it made me it brought me down to earth yeah i think my like general pushback to most conspiracy theories i hear is i'm like the world's not this organized right it's it's just a matter of like have you ever tried organizing a game night yeah like you can't you can't hide you can't fake these dead bodies i mean like i remember running in in times square and seeing the pop-up hospital tents that that was like for me where i was like jesus i don't know where this is gonna go but then they didn't even use them like they had that ship and they had that huge thing in central park that people then got angry about because it had ties to like this you know ultra right like religious group

and it's like are we really not gonna say yes to help because of some fucking shit belief like but then they didn't even use it what we did do that most people don't know about is there was a thing up in industry city called long-term storage. All the people that died that couldn't afford funerals, they put 800 bodies in these trailers that were frozen, and they froze bodies until families could afford funerals. They did it for two years. Is that not what they do up at Rikers?

No. Where they dig those graves? That's the potter's field. So that's different. They just put them in these. I nailed those coffins shut. They just put them in these... I nailed those coffins shut. They just put them in wooden coffins and put them in the ground, freezing

the bodies so that families could then have a funeral. The city never freezes bodies. And they did that special... It was like a special event. Well, that's funny. They wouldn't let the people see them before they die, but they're freezing it so they can see them later. They look so bad. We would have before and after photos when we release the bodies, and it's fucking meat popsicles.

For who? Just, like, to advertise your services? I wish. Before and after. Wait, okay, okay. I have to just make sure I grasp this all here. So you start working at this place. So I was at Kings County for three months.

Kings County for three months. Just putting bodies in. And it was like a temporary assignment. So it was a three-month job. When that was over, the office of the chief medical examiner hired me, and they trained me to do autopsies. What? Oh, my God.

I was an autopsy tech. And what does that mean? So in Manhattan, in New York, if your family doesn't object, everybody gets an autopsy. It's like automatic. It's like bureaucracy. So family gets to ask. They ask someone.

No, no. Even if they don't ask for it, if they don't object, like autopsy. And what's the autopsy? What are they determining? Cause of death. Yes, COD. Cause of death. But it's also just ruling things out is the major thing.

So we're going to rule out cancer. We're going to rule out pulmonary embolism. We're going to rule out whatever. Exactly. How long does an autopsy take? It depends what doctor you're working with. The quickest doctor I loved, her name was, I won't I can't say, but she had all this plastic surgery and she was a lesbian and she was this

crazy character and she would fight with her girlfriend in the parking lot and she was amazing. But she would do an autopsy in like 45 minutes. And what are the major moves in the autopsy? What does this entail? And also, no, sorry, sorry. I'm just like, my brain is overloaded right now.

Yeah, what does it entail? And what was your role as someone that didn't go to school, had no experience? Was mostly people. Okay, so I'm a tech. So you just need a high school diploma. You don't need shit. And so there's a bunch of kids that worked in the projects that are working

alongside me and everyone's always blasting rap music and shit in the autopsy room while they're cutting. Oh yeah. We're cutting bodies up. It was hot into a beat. It was, we were cutting to Cardi B all that summer. It was WAP all summer to dead bodies.

I will always associate WAP with like blood and guts and brain for the rest of my life forever. Cleaning up blood and shit that's a wet ass pulmonary ambulism exactly we said that you did yeah we actually said that you hack yeah okay so the he's a hack he's a hack the basic moves of an autopsy so you start with the y incision which i did for the doctor. I would basically pull all the organs out for the doctor to examine. Are you just fine with it? Did you struggle with this?

You would cut the body? Oh yeah, I cut the body open. And then the first thing, you crack the ribs open. I struggle eating certain parts of the chicken. I eat less meat now. Really? It's fucking disgusting, man. Had you ever touched it? How are you so comfortable? I guess I'm shocked. I used to look at crime

scene photos when i was on meth for fun so like is that a common thing with me is that a common thing meth is usually just like masturbating and sex for like 10 hours straight yeah i know no no no no but i would do it was just thrilling to me to like scare myself. I was a moderator on rotten.com. Were you? No, no. I'm imitating you. That's the website? No, it wasn't. I've seen like LiveLeak, which is like some nice videos of stuff, which is horrifying.

And you're like, why did I do this to myself? Now the subreddit is morbid reality. That's where you go now. Don't like it. Don't like it at all. I have to get my Gore fill still after the morgue. I miss it. Oh, my God.

What do you think it is? Because to me, it's so foreign. But what does it do for you? It's just thrilling to see, like, this is the reality. And this is what we are on the inside. And, like, it makes me appreciate life more. We need that. We need people like you that are okay with that.

Because I feel like so many people won't look that in the eye. Yes, it's important. Well, I think that's the thing with, I've always in terms of like gun control or like dealing with these mass shootings there's a degree of like it's hard to know though because I understand why especially in a world where we have access to everything we don't necessarily want to constantly see all the

horrors of the world because we could we could constantly be oh my god fuck something happened it's on reddit I saw that but I didn't want to see anything how long ago did it go? Like maybe six minutes ago. Okay, that's fine. Let me just check it out.

Speaking of horrors of the world, look at this. Keep talking, though. Keep talking. The worst. I mean, I wasn't sure if it wouldn't bother me, but then I went in my first day and I shadowed a stabbing. And I just was like, the first thing that got to me was, I was just like, wow, dead bodies bleed. Like as they turn them over, like all the stab the stab wounds, all the blood just came out.

I don't know what's wrong with me, Ian. I don't. I was just like, oh, cool. This is awesome. That's great. I loved it. So if you loved it so much, why do you no longer work? There's a lot of...

That agency is totally fucked up. They don't pay people enough. Everyone I worked with stole money from the dead bodies. What? Oh, my God. Everybody. Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

They didn't go in there naked? They stole their clothes on? Oh, yeah. We have to catalog all the clothing and everything. That all goes in a bag. It's so gross because people will die drowning and stuff, and we have to give the clothes back. It's disgusting.

Or decomp's. People that have been decomposing for two weeks, and they have decomp all over the clothing, and you just have to pull it off them, and it's all slimy and part of their skin slides off and you know i was just you're in okay wait wait i want to tell you guys the grossest shit there's so much like i've but so you when you started it was really covid focused it was really covid except that we didn't do autopsies on covid because there were too many of them and we knew it was covid so like it was like, how did you know? Because tox screenings, you would just take the, they did

tox. Oh, so they were positive for COVID. Yeah. But that was definitely one of the conspiracy was like, they're just attributing it to COVID. We COVID tested every dead body for the whole year. And, you know, there are a bunch of dead bodies lined up with like COVID straws sticking out of their nose. How long do you have to leave it in a dead person's nose? It was about 15 minutes. And then we take it out and put it, you know, for the tox lab. Oh, my God. And then so if it was COVID, they weren't doing an autopsy at all.

Well, then if they didn't know, you know, they would. But how do they know if the cause of death was from COVID or they were just positive with COVID? If they died in the hospital and they know they were like on a ventilator and they know it was COVID, they usually didn't do an autopsy because it was like a waste of manpower. Right. But it's like if I get hit by a fucking car they do an autopsy. Right. But they still say COVID death.

If you had COVID they wouldn't if you got if it was something traumatic to the body. We had a car crash that had COVID and they attributed that to the car crash. So what about shootings? Shootings is a shooting. But they wouldn't say COVID. They wouldn't count that as COVID. That was not the COD.

Would they do a COVID test of the guy hit by the car just to be curious? Yes, we did that for stats for the city to see where our stats were. Kick off an exciting football season with BetMGM, an official sportsbook partner of the National Football League. Yard after yard, down after down, the sportsbook born in Vegas gives you the chance to take action to the end zone and celebrate every highlight reel play.

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Okay. So, okay. So you're working as one place for three months, right? And then you'll, why did you leave that one? It was a temporary assignment.

Okay. And that's where you were doing the autopsies? No, I was just putting bodies in trucks. Just putting bodies in trucks. So that's, you kind of really got like an entry. You're like, okay, let's get used to bodies. I can handle this. That's insane that with just a high school diploma, you can rip into people.

It's insane. Did it pay well? No. See, that's crazy. This is a job that should pay very well. It pays shit. Yeah. It pays shit.

They treat you like shit. And the doctors are cool. It pays shit. They treat you like shit. And the doctors are cool. They're great. They had senses of humor. They were fun. But like it pays crap. And people would steal from bodies. Yes, because it pays so badly.

Is that really? What? Well, I have to steal from this dead body because I'm not getting paid enough. Or is it a moral failing of the people that are working this job? It's all of that. Yeah, but if you're not getting... I mean, look.

No, no, no. Are you about to defend stealing from the dead? No, no. But I'm saying these people are being stolen from and they're alive. And so, you know, maybe there's a problem. There's a problem is all I'm saying. There's a big problem.

Sure, there's a problem with not being paid enough and not being able to make a living wage, but there's also a fucking moral failing in the fact that you can get to a point where you okay it with yourself to steal from a dead fucking body. And I guess it was easier because of COVID because it's not like the family members could be there to be like, let's take the rings off before we...

The times when people would steal would be decomp's. So somebody that got left in their apartment for like 11 days obviously they don't have family coming so who's going to get the money under the mattress or in the drawers it's going to be the landlord the cops are too pussy to go into a decomp body they always stand outside so you go in to get the body there's nobody watching you there's no supervision and i would be standing there with the body bag and my like co-worker would be like going through the drawers and stuff and I'd just be like Jesus Christ

you know they'd always offer me like half and it was never enough for me to like feel okay about it it was like 30 bucks 50 bucks and I'm like what percentage would you have been like okay 2000 maybe what are you a fucking corrupt cop in the 75 I mean it had that vibe.

It was like really had that vibe of like corruption all over the place. No cameras in the freezers or the fridges. I mean. I could see taking food. Are you allowed to take food out of the fridge? Are you okay with that? I'm not taking food off a dead body. That's fucking, that's a health violence.

I'm not with their hand. I'm saying if there's an apple on the table. No. Banana. What? I'm talking about. Were you going into people's houses? Yes.

Yes. What? No. I'm not robbing from the dead. What if the banana's going to go bad? Go bad, banana? Oh, yeah. I mean, I walked into situations where they'd been left there for like two weeks and their

pets were dead. Oh, my God. And they were dead. Oh, my God. Do you handle, do you take the dead, is that a different department to get the pets? That's the cops. No, no, no.

Cops take the pets? If the pets were alive, the cops took the pets. Defund now! If the pets were dead, would you take the pets? No, we just leave them there. I don't know who'd clean that up.

Oh my God. But here's what's funny thing. Cats eat your face, you know? Yeah. So sometimes- Yeah, that's the funny part. There would be like a cat that was so sweet and rubbing on us and stuff.

And we looked at the corpse and its eyes were gone. And we're like, you ate your owner's face, but you're still so sweet. I would be honored. I would love to be one with my cat. And that cat goes to the ASPCA. And like, no one will ever know that that cat ate a face. Oh my God. So you could be adopting cats.

Yes. All over New York. Used to the taste of human flesh. Yeah, but they're still sweet. Cats are great. Yes, they are. I would be honored for my cat to be one with him and to give him sustenance after I pass. I agree. Even if the option was available for just regular cat food?

Yes. And I think it would be fitting for part of the life I lived for then me to be shat into a box. Sure. I have a real problem with the funeral industry after working. I can imagine. It sounds like every step of this. Overcharge? Not just that.

That's like just terrible. But also just the preservation of a body. I think it's just ridiculous. Why? Well, it's chemicals. And they put that in the ground. And then cemeteries are all polluted. It's bad for the environment.

It takes up a lot of land. Well, I feel like I agree with you. But I feel like, okay, chemical them up, make them look all right so that we can get our final goodbye. And then fucking burn them. I don't know why we're still burying bodies. I understand the catharsis, I guess, of saying goodbye to a body. My grandpa died over the pandemic.

And it was definitely one of those where like not having seen him for a year and a half, it does feel like something was very, it wasn't even jarring, it was just like ethereal. Like there was no moment of like, here he was and he's gone. It was just like, I haven't seen him and I guess I won't see him again

so it did it was hard for me to have the full emotional you know we had the funeral nine months later once covet had calmed and so it just didn't feel the same it just didn't it feel you know at this point at this point what's the goal it's just cathartic ability to feel and and bear witness and process something for the living when they froze these bodies uh until they could afford the funeral is that for people who didn't want them cremated or was that like cremation was even too expensive um as far as i know it's just poor really poor people and like five people in their family died all at once and they just couldn't have a ceremony how much does cremation cost like that cremation should be free because it's like well you're helping the environment by

just yeah i think i think we should fucking dig up everybody at a cemetery, cremate them all, give them to the family, and then turn that into underground parking. Fuck yeah. And then if some jewelry falls off along the way into the cremation place, give it to the techs. Give it to Lauren and some guy named Deontra. Yeah, dude, you've got the vibe yeah you got it so okay

I used to teach kids that probably ended up in that field yeah when you started working at the autopsy place did you was that a little bit

better money or still shit money exact same pay ugh can you tell us ballpark of what is a minimum wage well no

it was like $20.24 that's not bad it's but all the taxes. You are fucking, you, you, you, you're digging out the guts. You'd have to pay me. The taxes, they took out like $300 a check.

Oh. So I wasn't even making, I was making like $600, $800 a check. And that's every two weeks? Yeah. What? It was, it was, well, not, well, it was bad.

And you couldn't collect unemployment. Right. So I was just trapped working for the city. Wait, $20 some dollars an hour is pretty good. Dude, I don't know. I make more than that now and I'm struggling. So. Rent is, come on, rent in New York City.

Yeah. So when you do the autopsy, because you for some of them do you know for like some of them obviously they want the body back for the funeral oh yeah so you putting everything back in you're gonna love this so the funeral director deals with making it nice what we do we take everything out we chop it all up and there's a big red plastic bag that says biohazard we dump everything back in that bag you it up, and then you throw it in the body cavity and sew it up. Here's all your shit back. Wait, so the guts are in a plastic

bag in the body? Yes. What, like that bag in a turkey? Yes! Why? Because they give it, then the funeral home takes it, throws the guts away, and then fills it up. But what if they're organ donors? Well, then they take the organs beforehand. So all the dead bodies... Why don't you throw out the guts? all the dead bodies we see at a funeral, like when they present them, are they usually empty inside?

You know, I don't go to funerals. It's just the people working there. Yes. I mean, I don't know exactly what happens in the funeral home because I wasn't on that side of the industry. I just know in the medical field, it's just, you oh, and then the skull, when we take the brain out, we don't put the brain back in. You fill it up with paper towels and put the skull back together.

Do you put the brain in the bag that goes in the stomach? Because everything gets chopped up by the doctor because they have to look inside. It's so medieval. But why do they? Wait, so when you have the dead body,

when we see them in a casket, their head is no brain inside. Oh, yeah, yeah. Everything's gone, guys. Fuck, dude. That really bothers me. What if they know how they died they're still chopping the brain up this is so ridiculous we would have somebody got

fucking shot in the head twice the brain is falling out there's pieces of skull great thing i was noticed though like on women their makeup would still be like perfect they get shot in the back of the head and like their fucking falsies are on perfectly i was like this is a makeup for this episode in particular i'm gonna look at the metrics just to see kind of like where people stopped listening just like what what gore they said nope i need to go to sleep tonight i haven't even told you guys the dildo maggot story what tell us it's too much no it's no it's it's wild i think itter. I think it's more like shocking that you don't have PTSD from it. There's only so many people built to handle this. Not me.

Right, right. I don't know you. I guess the way I look at it is like they're not there anymore. Like, it's just biological matter. Had you dealt with death prior to this i'd seen dead bodies when i was living under a bridge but not anyone personally close to you i mean i've had people close to me die yeah sure i mean you know what suck is like as a stand-up comedian like but i care i say this is good for material but i'm like there's no shows you could bring this up and not

bum out the whole you're wrong i have a whole like 10 minutes about the morgue and it's hilarious and they and they get on board sure yeah but you don't say that your grandma didn't have a brain in her head when you said bye to her i do i do a whole thing about a guy that got electrocuted on the subway tracks and then uh like a whole thing about like you know why'd they do an autopsy because it was obvious obvious how he died. You know, why'd they do it? I think it was drugs. He had track marks all over him. Sure. Like, from the train.

There's jokes. There's jokes, for sure. For sure. I mean, they brought him in in pieces, you know? And the doctor even held up a piece, and he went, like, why are we doing this? Okay, there was a guy, we found a crack pipe in their ass.

And this doctor didn't miss a beat. And he looked over and he just went, oh, that means two more weeks of winter. Oh, that's great. It was so good. I'm sure. That's great. I'm sure. Do you feel like there are funny people working in this?

Because you have to have a weird sense of humor to get through it? Only the doctors. Only the doctors. They were hilarious. Because they're getting paid good money so they can laugh. They were funny. Yeah. doctors. They were hilarious. Because they're getting paid good money so they can laugh. They were funny. Yeah. And, okay, God.

So, Crack Pipe, glad we got to that story. So, okay, so you're doing this job, and how long did you do this one for? I did it for 11 months. And why'd you stop? Because the agency was super, they were just super toxic like everyone's after each other's position there's no promotions for like three years you know i was a temporary employee so then i would have to re-interview to be permanent and they said i couldn't talk about anything on stage they're like you you're not allowed to talk about this you can't write

a book you can't do anything and comedy comedy came back and i was like are you crazy i have to talk about i wouldn't have told them i was a comic or anything did you sign an mba or yeah i signed some stuff when i first went to work there and like some of it was definitely confidentiality shit so what about i i could certainly like no personal information but what about like x i i experienced x y and z or i saw or this was my feelings dealing with it they can't put a gag order on that they've stopped doctors from writing certain things in books they were writing because they said it breached confidentiality and this is why it's so rife with corruption yeah it's bad because there's just people can't so so when did

you decide fuck it i mean what was it it was somebody there was this guy running the autopsy room that was just incompetent and he like said that i left a bunch of advanced fingerprints out it's when they're so decomposed you can't take a fingerprint so you fill it up with foam and you take an imprint and you fill the what up with the the it's like a mummified finger or if their skin so it's like a balloon that's deflated you fill it up so you can get the print of... Right. Or, you know, you're going to love this. Let me gross you out. So if a body was, like, de-gloving, you know...

I'm so glad Russell's not here. Russell would have thrown up all over the fucking floor by now. I'm almost there. From decomposition, to get the fingerprint, you have to stick your hand in the skin and push it down. We have three gloves on, it's whatever. Here's my thing. What the fuck, dude?

Do you put all five fingers in at once, like a full glove? You go in the full glove, baby. You get all those prints. You did this. Oh, yeah. Does it feel like finger in mashed potatoes? No, it feels like a finger in a wet balloon.

Here's my thing, okay? You've never done this before, and now you're like, oh, you got to de-glove a blabbity blip. Yeah, it's wild. It's advanced. How many, how much trial and error you're like oh you got a d glove a blabity blip yeah it's wild it's advanced it's how how many how how much trial and error did that happen like you put the fingers through your fingers

burst through you're like fuck yeah i had some not really i kind of cut the heart out wrong a few times but you know because you got to get the heart blood for the i mean i i definitely you got to do it i mean i cut the um the fucking what not the uterus, not the kidneys, the bladder. The bladder is really hard to get out. And I did that wrong a few times. So you asked initially the autopsy procedure. Why incision? We take garden shears, like the kind you get at Home Depot.

You crack the ribs open. Then you get to the heart. You take the heart out for the doctor. Then you do the lungs. You do the liver. You weigh all the organs, the kidneys, and there's there's no training for this no they just they throw you in you're in and someone's telling you what to do yes they're they're and so they're doc are they documenting all your medical information and putting it in

some grand database no not that i know i mean i don't know that end of it that's like i guess i'm curious because obviously all these numbers are very useful. Right. I'm sure. I think definitely for COVID, I know they were doing that. And cancer rates and heart attacks and stuff. Yeah, all the death reports. It just feels like, you know how they say you can decide to donate your body to science?

It kind of feels like hearing this, I'm like, well, everybody seems like it's being donated to science. What the hell else more is there to do? I heard something about like you should, you really, if you're going to donate being donated to science. What the hell else more is there to do? I heard something about like you should, you really, if you're going to donate your body to science, you should really think about, sometimes that means they'll use your body to test a bomb out, to see like how bombs affect a body and they'll put you in a building.

That's the thing. I'd like to be on an episode of Mythbusters. Yeah. Sure. Exactly. Blow my head off. Something or like, you know, in your head, you're like, well, I'd like my body to cure cancer.

That would be a noble thing. But there's like, no, we're going to test a new bomb that will help kill more people. We're going to test a helmet. We're going to see the jaw strength of this German shepherd with an adamantium lower mouth. Dude, I want to work. Those robotic dogs. We're going to see how fast this robot dog can rip off a head. Yeah.

Yeah. We're trying to get in the mind robot dog can rip off a head. Yeah. Yeah. We're trying to get in the mind of a necrophiliac. We're going to leave you in the park. I did want to ask, is there, I mean, obviously, if you're a necrophiliac, this feels like the only position. There was this guy that we worked with that everybody was constantly being like, I think that motherfucker fucks bodies. And I'm like, he was just really chipper and naive. And he was- I like it, guys.

Like, good morning. And they're like, that motherfucker keeps fucking the bodies. He was not- I got everyone coffee. He just got a blowjob from Apple. Oh, fuck. Yeah, that was the vibe. It was like, oh, he's just too happy you know like why do you think

he's fucking bodies yeah dude miserable people i don't i mean i bet those guys those guys know better than me they've been there for like you know eight ten years i i was just like a visitor it's just hard i mean is there like a hazing process yeah they uh they locked they didn't lock me but they they all left the autopsy room towards the end, and they left me with a bunch of fetuses because they thought that would bother me. You came out wearing them around your neck like ears from Vietnam. I was just playing with them. They were talking.

I was like, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Baby autopsies, they thought that would get me to leave. Babies are cute. They have the cutest little organs. Why would you need to have hazing at this job? They would lock people in the freezer with all the decomp bodies.

We have a decomp freezer just for the decomposed bodies. And they would lock people in that because of the smell. What bothers you? Is there anything that bothers you? Yeah. That makes you feel the smell. What bothers you? Yeah. Is there anything that bothers you? Yeah. That makes you feel, ugh. Yeah. What? You just described your fetuses, whatever.

I have fetuses for breakfast. They never had a life. A stable life? They never had a life, dude. Fetuses never had a life, dude. A healthy relationship where we communicate openly. I got married during this. Sure, sure. After this, I'd be like, we got to settle down and hold on to happiness while we can.

What about these smells? Oh, the smells were the worst part. How are you dealing with this? Are you wearing like VapoRub? No, that makes it worse because mint opens up your nostrils more. How are you not wearing a gas mask? I know, right? I just breathe through my mouth a lot when I was doing it.

So this is a good job for people who post on Reddit? That's funny. Now, I'm sure there's... Did anyone take a picture? Like, oh, this one's fucked up. No, you're not. Oh, yeah. That's a big no-no.

Of course. Well, it sounds like... I mean, stealing bodies is a big no-no. Stealing from bodies. Yeah. It just seems like... I couldn't imagine they draw the line and like, oh, I'm going to steal this guy's ring

but a selfie for Snapchat? People did get fired from that. In 2017, there was a big... Some guy made his rap video after hours in the freezers with a bunch of bodies and he was holding up heads and stuff. Jesus Christ. God damn. That is

wild to think that's going to be okay. It was a lot of trouble Did anyone ever Recognize someone In the morgue Yes There were people

There were a girl Her like ex-boyfriend Came in And she Then if that happens You don't work In the autopsy room That's an awkward

Talk about running Into your ex What have you been up to Yeah yeah I guess I won This relationship Right What

How did they react Were they No they just Weren't allowed To be in the autopsy room That day Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm doing better. I guess I won this relationship. Right. What? How did they react? Were they? No, they just weren't allowed to be in the autopsy room that day. Oh, wait. They weren't allowed to? So if somebody you know shows up in the autopsy room. I'd know everybody just to take a day off. Sure.

Sure. Oh, James. Yeah. Sorry, guys. I gotta go. I know this guy. That's the rule? That's the rule.

Really? Yeah And do you get paid For that time off? They just put you In a different department They'll just put you In the front checking out bodies

Like a cop that shoots a kid They're like You're on desk duty You know what I think about So you remember Is it Jake Paul Is he the famous YouTuber guy? Yeah

Remember he got in big trouble Because he made a video On the suicide forest Suicide forest And he like You know there was a video Of him with like a dead body. And I don't think it was, it's great to post that video. But it is, but it's more just like, we just don't deal with, like hearing this, I'm like, God, we just don't even confront dead bodies at all.

We send them away to this thing and like, let's see him at the funeral, I'll gussied up. I mean, you ask like what bothers me me there was one case that really upset me and it was a mom who jumped off a building holding her daughter oh and that one really upset me and i did the autopsy on the child and i had to just pretend she was a doll the whole time i had to just like disconnect and pretend it was like a movie prop but now you you had dealt with kids before, right? It was just the story of this one connected with you? Yeah. I mean, she didn't have to kill her kid too, you know?

Like it was terrible. Now how did you, so when they brought it in, did they give you the story right then and there? Oh yeah. Or you read about it? The cops came in and told us about it. They even showed us the video of the mom jumping. What the fuck? Why?

Okay. You want to hear the thing that really also made me quit? Not only was I wanted to focus more on comedy, but there was a case where this girl got stabbed to death by her boyfriend who had been stalking her. The cops came in and showed us the body cam footage of them killing, well, not killing, but arresting the boyfriend and subduing him and then carrying her out to the ambulance and all the body cam footage of her like grasping for air and trying to talk

and like her last dying moments come on man sorry ian i'm sorry no no sorry dude i mean i i don't know why are they showing those come on well they show it to the dog i mean we're in there with the doctor and they want to show the doctor because sometimes like seeing injuries when they're fresh like that can sometimes aid the investigation of the autopsy in some way. So, I mean, I watched a video of this woman like being aware of what had happened to her. Her throat was slashed so she couldn't talk. I mean, and then I was kind of like, I think I've had enough and I'm just going to go find another job and focus on comedy and I'll always remember all of this forever. I'm just going to go find another job and focus on comedy.

And I'll always remember all of this forever. I think it's, I guess it's like, you know, it makes sense why those two things rose above the rest. Oh, yeah. Because you're, because it seems like, if I'm, tell me if this is accurate, that like, if they're dead, you're able to go like, well, that's, that person's not there anymore. This is just materials but when you are confronted either with the narrative of the story or seeing the person alive suddenly yeah that's where it it gets to me i don't want to know was the doctor like hey uh what's she gonna be for halloween a pez dispenser no they weren't but i'm gonna have to put i like as we're going through, I guess I'm going to have to put a preface to this episode because this is tough.

That's a lot. I just had a thing. Every time you talk about this, I'm closing my eyes and seeing everyone that I've seen die. I'm sorry. Dude, I'm really sorry. No, my God. You don't have to pause this for your existence, your story. You're a hero.

That's what's happening to me. Anyone who has to confront these things, let alone not for a lot of money... What I'm saying is that's what's happening to me in this moment, so I'm feeling a massive amount of empathy towards you because I can't imagine what... And, John Marco,

one day you'll know what empathy feels like. As I said, my parents are divorced, so I understand. I couldn't imagine the feelings that you would have to go through witnessing all this. I think that I'm very compartmentalized

because I had a lot of abuse growing up and I think that like there's just something about being abused very young that you are able to cut things off

and disassociate and I think I used my disassociative tools as like a, you know, I weaponized it. Do you feel like the people

other than this cheery necrophili i weaponized it do you feel like the people other than this cheery necrophiliac guy like do you feel like people who worked in this field that you had some kind of commonality of darkness or or i hate to say it but just these people were the most unimaginative people i've ever met most of them they just didn't they just didn't they couldn't see outside of like the here and now you know they couldn't they didn't have any vision they they were just boring and they how so like what give an example like you know i would say like oh did you like i would i i would show them something i'd written about an autopsy we did and all the colors and the smells and how

i described it and they were just like damn i don't remember anything. Like, I never think about it twice. Like, you know, just very, this is what. No critical thinking. Maybe not. Maybe not very much going on there. I wrote a lot of passages for this book I'm writing about working in the morgue. And I would show them sometimes to people I worked with about cases we'd worked on. And they were just always like, wow, that's really colorful. Like, I would never think of it like that, you they're just very very eight type a people no no artists are in the

morgue well i mean i feel like you need that for that job you need people that are just almost like robotic in a way to to do the things that you know people like us wouldn't be able to do for a long time. That's why it should be paid so much better. I mean, carrying people out. Okay, when I was walking up your steps, the first thing I thought was, I do not want to carry 300-pound people out of this apartment because that's what we would do.

We go to these five-story walk-ups in the Bronx with no elevator. Someone's 250 pounds. You get up there, and you're just like, fuck. And then you had to fucking put them on a tiny stretcher and fucking carry them down the stairs would you have to deal with the families yes oh when you were talking about kissing at the beginning of the episode all i can ever think of is so there's the body bag we put the bodies in and then there's this black bag that has wooden slats on the bottom to slide them down the stairs that black bag throughout the day when you make like six house calls that black bag it's disgusting it's got decomp on it's got blood on it

families we'd put them in the bag we'd wrap them up and then families would run to the black bag and kiss it and we would just be like no stop like what is the protocol for covid during this time extra masks oh my god what yeah could dead bodies spread covid yes but how there's no for COVID during this time? Extra masks. Oh my God. Yeah, could dead bodies spread COVID? Yes. But how? There's no... And you're using the same bag?

But hold up, but how? Well, not the body. There's the body bag and then the black bag is what you put the body bag inside just to carry it down the stairs. But how would the COVID spread without...

Because of COVID? The black bag? No. But how would the COVID spread without respiratory particles? Isn't that? If you got like a liquid on your face or if you got something in your eye or, you know, I mean, we would put rubber gloves over the people with ventilated tubes, you know, rubber

gloves over that so it couldn't like spill up on us. I mean, God bless you for I mean, I had the thought of like, God, I should be volunteering or like going and bringing food or like doing some sort of outreach. But then my selfishness and fear of this got in the way. Of course. And I just, you know, would jerk off once Tiger King for like you to put yourself in harm's way to achieve these things would be such a help is I mean, it's just so admirable and wonderful. They called us last responders. Oh, no, those are the people that are just now finding out about 9-11.

All right, well, you've got to get to your meetings, too, so let's go to our, let's do a real quick. This has got to stop. This has got to stop. Just tell us if there's one big thing. Obviously, this industry is corrupt. Oh, yeah. Fucked up. one big thing obviously this industry is corrupt oh yeah fucked up what's one particular thing that needs to change about i mean i guess it is you were saying about the the the burial with

the chemicals but anything in terms of where you worked were like this this would make a world of difference well i mean i would specifically just in the medical stuff I can't really besides hiring paying people better and like that no but in the funeral side of it like I just think a lot of that's really corrupt like if you loved your father you'd buy a bigger coffin or you know

just that upselling yeah it's really sleazy I just want to be turned into a tree yeah and I'd like my brain to be I guess it doesn't have to be in my head it can be in my stomach I want to be turned into a tree. Yeah. Yeah, totally. And I'd like my brain to be, I guess it doesn't have to be in my head. It could be in my stomach. Fucked by a chipper guy in the morning. I want to be turned into a mushroom. Like, they were doing fungi burials.

That's cool to me. To me, that's a good. I want my friends to taxidermy me and high five me. And I want a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. I want to be on a bicycle. Do you really? Yeah. That's awesome.

If you could, you would? Yeah. Okay. Let's go to our final segment. You's awesome. If you could, you would? Yeah. Okay. Let's go to our final segment. You better count your blessings. What do you want, Ian? What do you want? What do you want?

I want it on the stoop at the cellar. Sure. That's where I spend all my time smoking cigarettes. I think instead of the photos on the wall, we take down the photo and it's your head encased right there with a cigarette in your mouth. Like Richard Nixon in Futurama? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, this is the blessing.

I mean, dear Christ, I don't know if there's anything to be thankful for in this world right now. I think there is. Okay, what's your blessing? My blessing? Something to be thankful for today. Being alive. No one's digging through my guts. I should have died the other day.

I was riding down the bridge, zooming and booming, get to a light, stop, pedal again, and my back wheel falls off, the derailleur, the crank, the fucking chain. Someone had tried to steal my back tire. I didn't know it. They took off a nut, and the axle slowly was moving down the tire. And if that had happened when I was going down the bridge, I, I'd,

I'd have wiped out. I wasn't wearing a helmet. I'd have been fucking gone. You should wear a helmet. You know, you should wear a helmet. I saw, listen to her.

She knows she sees what happens. That's what, that's what they, when my dad told me to wear a helmet. Listen to her. She knows. She sees what happens. That's what they... When my dad told me to wear a helmet, don't tell me. Show me one picture and I will never not wear a fucking helmet again. I saw some definite people falling off bikes and scooters and stuff.

It's just like an egg. Fuck. Let's move on. Knock on wood. Get a helmet. But the upside is I should have died. I didn't. We're here. We're helmet. But the upside is I should have died. I didn't. We're here.

Great. We're all alive. My blessing is it was JFL. Yeah. It all feels so meaningless in the scope of the world. It's not meaningless. This is shaking me. I'm going to think about this for, no, you don't have to be.

It's good. You need to deal with the world. Yeah. You need to deal with the world. Field trips should be to autopsy rooms. I think everybody that lives in Manhattan or in the city should have to go work at the morgue for one month

out of their life. I agree. The morgue and the prison. After doing a show in the prison, these are anything in life that we don't deal with and I think preparing meat. I think all three of these things. Everyone should have to work a serving job. Yes. Makes people more humble. Yes.

You get a better sense of humanity. That would be a great, like, I feel like someone would want to write a book, like someone who was spoiled or privileged. It's those kinds of things. One month for a year. A year of like you want to get some rich person. Like Nicole Richie. I don't need to see her work milking a cow. I need to see her

slaughtering a cow. Yeah. I feel like it's like the Israeli army Nicole Richie. I don't need to see her work like milking a cow. I need to see her slaughtering a cow. Yeah. And then I feel like it's like the Israeli army at 18. Instead of serving the army, you should be serving these fucking jobs. Yeah. To give you a better sense of humanity. Serving some fries. There's a girl I went to school with who is semi-public figure. And she goes to prisons and gives speeches about her marriage and how to have a good marriage.

And she's never wanted for anything in her life. And it's like people like that. Yeah, it's she's people like that. Blow her up. Who is it? Yeah. So any blessing that you have that you'd like to share? You're going to think I'm really fucked up for this.

But this part, you're going to do it. I can. I guess you're grateful that people die. I am grateful for my experience at the morgue. Everyone that died gave me awesome stories to talk about, and hopefully I can write a book and quit my day job. You certainly deserve it after what you have dealt with. Now, you have to run.

This is coming out August 16th. Is there anything you want to plug? Why, yes, there is. I have a fantastic new podcast, Be an Ian with Jordan. Me and Jordan. I have a fantastic new podcast, B&E and with Jordan. Me and Jordan Jensen have a podcast. It's a fucking blast. And this is coming out August 16th.

It is number one on the iTunes charts. Yeah. Patreon.com slash B&E and pod. YouTube.com slash B&E and pod. Check it out. Instagram for me, iAnimal69. I always love coming in here and doing this, man. Thank you. I'm always and E and pod. Check it out. Instagram for me. I animal six, nine. I always love coming in here and doing this,

man. Thank you. I'm always happy to have you. Uh, anything you'd like to plug? Yeah, I just started my podcast. It's called alien murder sex.

Wow. And we're recording at gas digital. We're not in the network, but we're recording there and we're on alien murder sex on all platforms right now. Um, you know, Instagram, nice.

Tick tock, Twitter, all of it. Look at that. For me, thank you for listening to the podcast. Tell your friends about this. If this episode was pretty extreme, this is the darkest episode we'll ever have in the history of this show. Maybe.

Maybe we'll have you back once the book's out and I'm sure you'll have more stories. I hope it's a pop-up picture book. I do too. That would be wonderful if they would allow that. It's, yeah. What's that game where you take out the pieces of the body?

I was just going to say. You get PTSD from playing Operation? Like playing with your nephew, you just start sobbing? I don't know anyone with kids. I have PTSD from, I look at people now like on the subway in the street and I think

oh man, your bowels are disgusting. Like I look at people and I imagine their insides. Oh my god. Well, I'll be headlining Comedy Bar Oh yeah, August 18th and 19th. Let's get to the important stuff. American Comedy Company. August 19th and 20th I'll be headlining Chicago Bar.

Then the weekend after that, I'll be headlining in Tampa at Side Splitters. Woo! Thursday, Friday, Saturday. That's actually how some people died. 24th, 25th, 26th. Split their side. We will have it in the show notes. And then the sister show to this, The Silver Lining, will be on September 4th at Sesh Comedy Club.

Links will be in the bio. Those tickets are only $5. And come check it out. And I guess just remember, whether you want to be buried in a casket or you want to be turned into a tree or a mushroom, the one thing you will never be turned into is back alive. This is The Downside. One, two, three. Downside.

Downside. Downside. Downside. Downside.