The Dr. Hyman Show - From Funny Food Addict to Happy, Healthy Helper with Lisa Lampanelli

Episode Date: February 13, 2019

It’s never too late to turn your life around. Doing deep emotional work can not only help us find better health and happiness, it can also help us discover our true purpose and understand how to fully share our gifts with others. Being vulnerable and open to reality, rather than focusing on the stories we tell ourselves, is a major step in the right direction. My guest on this week’s episode of The Doctor’s Farmacy has done all of that and more. You probably recognize Lisa Lampanelli’s name from the world of comedy, with a career spanning more than 30 years. She has numerous tours, Grammy nominations, and national TV guest appearances and specials under her belt. Lisa made national headlines in 2012 when she lost more than 100 pounds with the help of bariatric surgery. The comedian went on to speak with unflinching honesty about her lifelong food and body-image issues and has since gone from insulter to inspirer. Now, in her 50’s, she’s done a career overhaul and works as a life coach, food and body-image workshop leader, speaker, and storyteller.

Welcome to the doctor's pharmacy. I'm Dr. Mark Hyman and this is doctor's pharmacy. That's F-A-R-M-A-C-Y, a place for conversations that matter and we're so glad to have a conversation today that I think will matter to most of you because we all struggle. I don't know anybody out there who's not struggling. I struggle. You struggle. We all struggle. And the question is, how do we deal with those struggles? And how do we get out of bad marriages? How do we lose the weight we can't lose? How do we get out of a job that we can't stand or a good job that is good, but we don't like anymore and transform our lives? And we have a guest today who's going to help us understand the inner dark side and the light side of transformation. Lisa Lampanelli, who is here with us today. And she is kind of an amazing lady. I met her recently.

She has had an extraordinary career as a comedian for 30 years. She has won all sorts of awards. She's been nominated for two Grammys. I know, is that crazy? Grammys, that's like a big deal. That's like an Oscar. Right? And she has been described as the queen of mean.

I call her the Don Rickles of the 21st century. She basically insults people for a living and was not very nice to people, but it was kind of funny and kind of not so politically correct. Never, never, never. I was like, wow, you said some things. nice to people but it was kind of funny and it kind of not so politically correct never never never i was like wow you said some things i saw you on youtube i'm like yikes no i'm not that's not cool but it was what you did and something happened to you that made you completely shift

your life and we're going to get into that in a minute but you you made headlines in 2012 when you decided that you were not going to be losing and gaining hundreds of pounds. I think you said you lost and gained 372 pounds. Yeah. By the way, that's 17 Sarah Jessica Parkers, if you're keeping track. 17 Sarah Jessica Parkers, with or without clothes or shoes, I don't know. But she lost 100 pounds using bariatric surgery, which many people think of as a failure, but I don't think so. And I don't think of it that way.

I think it's a doorway for people who sometimes need a radical shift to start everything else changing. So she has now quit comedy. Imagine being at the top of your career. Imagine being Beyonce and going, you know what? I'm not going to sing anymore. I'm going to get into something else. I'm I'm not going to sing anymore. I'm going to get into something else. I'm going to help people transform their lives. I'm going to be a life

coach. I'm going to tell my story about what wasn't working for me and what I think could help people transform and live happier, healthier lives. So she retired from comedy at the peak of her career. She now sit on a David Stern, I mean, sorry, the Howard Stern show in 2018 and has already been doing all kinds of stuff around this. And she's got a new role as a life coach, a food and body image workshop leader, speaker, and storyteller. She's quite a lady. So here we are with Lisa LaFanelli. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you, Dr. Mark. Okay. So here we go. Now, you were riding these twin rockets. Yes. One was the rocket ship of success and comedy and career, which was amazing.

But you had another rocket that was sort of going to the dark side of the moon, which was your personal journey around food and health and self-destructive behaviors and marriages that wasn't behaviors and marriages that wasn't working and things that just you weren't loving in your life. And what was it that was like, oh my God, this is not something I want to endure anymore. Because most of us go through that in different ways, some more, some less, but you went through it in a way that allowed you to really make a huge shift, which people are usually scared to death to do. Right. What's funny, it's going from the queen of mean to the queen of meaning is a lot.

Oh, I like that. It's literally a 180 degree shift. And I got so lucky that I could get a message by my father getting ill about five years ago i really got that message of like wow i am here for service and nothing else we're all here for service that's how i feel at least and i'm like wait a minute i i didn't enjoy you mean mass on sunday or like well sadly i don't do that anymore no thank god but i mean really helping my dad through that whole process of passing over and the hospice, etc. I go, when he passed away, I was like, wait a minute, I miss being of service to people so much that I was like, wait a minute. Yeah, I'm making them laugh. It's fine. It pays well. But it's just not enough for me. So I said, pay attention to what is bringing me that pure

joy that I used to have when I do open mics? No, stop there. Stop there. You just said something profound, right? You said, pay attention to what brings you pure joy. How many of us actually do that? I didn't for years because you know what? I remember- And what would your life look like if you did?

Oh my God. Now you're finding out. Hopefully, yeah. That's what it feels like now. I look on my calendar and I go, oh my God, I'm not dreading anything on this list. And that's what it feels like now it's like i look on my calendar and i go oh my god i'm not dreading anything on this list and that's what life's about yes we all have obligations we all have stuff we have to do do i want to go over and play cards with my mother every other day well sometimes but sometimes not i love her but sometimes it's a chore but guess what the joy that it's going to bring me later to know I did the right thing is helpful. So joy has to come

either to me, short term or long term. But when my dad got sick, and then I was like, wait, I want to be of service to people. I'm like, yeah, I got to phase this comedy out because I don't have that joy anymore. And it's so joyful, like helping people that I said, when I started comedy, you know how this is. I was like, if I had to do this the rest of my life for free, I wouldn't care. That's how I feel about what I'm doing now. I would rather help people if I, even if I don't make a red cent from it, who cares? Because I'm living life as I should. And it's just a thing that I was able to, thank God, get my head around and do and take those action steps to do it. Now, we were getting ready for this podcast and you kept sending me texts and messages. I want to go deep. Sure. We can cover anything. Dude, anything. I'm an open book. We can do a

deep dive. Nothing's off limits. Oh, hell no. I'm an open book, right? Yes. So what I want to ask you about is what was it like inside when you were riding the train of success or the rock and you also were struggling internally with weight and body image issues and food addiction. Right. And all these things that we kind of hide. Yeah. How was that? What was your internal journey there?

Well, there's a lot of shame associated with weight. Now, unfortunately, I think people feel like if they can, quote unquote, control the issue, then they have a lot of shame. So I had shame that I couldn't handle. Like I go, what is wrong with me? And then I thought, well, if Oprah, the most powerful woman in the world still has weight issues, what hope does Pam from accounting have? Like, why should I have such shame about this weight? And I said, let me, instead of having this dark hole that inside that's open and i try to fill with food and purses and shoes and concert dates and fame why don't i start working on what's in there so i said to myself for 50 i said whatever i've been trying to use to fill the

hole ain't working marriages all that let me take it out of the picture get this bariatric surgery but at the same exact time start the emotional work that will keep the weight off. And I've kept it off for almost seven years now. By the way, 50% of the time, bariatric surgery fails. Sure. Not because the surgery fails, but because people keep figuring ways around it. I had a guy who was a doctor, a nephrologist, weighed 400 pounds. He lost almost 200 pounds after bariatric surgery.

And then he figured out he could eat M&Ms all day long. One by one by one, slowly, and he gained back all the 200 pounds. Yeah. And you know what's wild? That's why surgery gets that bad reputation. And I say to myself, look, it does. It's a tool. It's never been the fix all. Like I literally could gain all my way back if I wanted to. Like, I mean, shakes, chips, all that stuff goes down smooth. But what am I really helping? I'm not filling that emotional void. Last night, for instance, I had a feeling of loneliness. Now I rarely have that because I have, thank God, the best friends, best family, and a great dog. Well, let me tell you something. For some have, thank God, the best friends, best family, and a great dog. Well, let me tell you something.

For some reason, no one's home last night, meaning as I'm trying to call them. And I'm like, oh my God, I have no one. And I go, I'm going to eat. And then I go, well, that's the behavior of somebody who isn't doing the emotional work. So I pulled back and I said, look, you'll eat when you're physically hungry. Do I win that battle all the time? Hell no. Like 20% of the time I'm like, yeah, I'm going to nail something right now. But you know what? We're all flawed. We all got to work on this. I'll be working on this till I'm 80 and that's okay. As long as I'm making those little steps. Yeah. So, so when you

were, um, overweight and struggling, were you, were you conscious of the stories you were telling yourself that led to you to keep eating? That's interesting. I probably was deluding myself into going, you know what, I'm happy with myself this way. Or, oh yeah, I'm fat and proud. And you make fun of yourself as much as you make fun of the audience which is why my comedy worked because i loved the audience but i goofed on both of us so the fact is once you start going i really don't like what i see in the mirror because i got into a lot of people seem to go through this with this surgery but when you look in the mirror and you're overweight i would go through the look in the mirror, hate what you see, get depressed, eat, look in the mirror again, hate yourself for eating. Like it just basically is one big cycle

of depression. So once I got the surgery, I go, oh, I got to work on that. But yeah, I think I deluded myself into being like, well, this is as good as it gets. Just like with a job, like with me with comedy, I could have stuck with it. I said, hey, 30 years in the business, I'm doing well, you make your money, you're okay. Bad marriage, that's okay. He wasn't hitting me. I wasn't hitting him very often. And I was like, you know what? I can stay in this, but do I want my life to have joy? And I think that's what the weight was really showing up as, this lack of joy. So thank goodness I suddenly got brave and decided to tackle them all. But you didn't slide back, right? You got the surgery, you lost the pounds, which often happens.

And then somehow something shifted in you that allowed you to stick with it. Yeah. Yeah. Was it help? Was it some awakening you had? Was it just like white knuckling it? What happened? I don't white knuckle it. I have a therapist course i have a life coach i mean i basically call in all the freaking cavalry i'm like how do you handle emotional eating i've read all the books i you have all your nights at the round table oh yeah because you know what i'm worth it i want to live dude i was i was listening to the radio today and this was a 97 year old-old Carol Channing Dyes. Now, I'm 57.

I don't even remember her. I say to myself, oh, my God, if I take care of myself physically and emotionally, I could live 40 more years and continue to help people and help myself. And I'm like, oh, my God. It really helps to know I have life to look forward to. So I think that's what a lot of the emotional work for me is going, I'm looking forward to every day and living a long time versus, I'm in a job that's okay. Like a lot of us, we have a low grade form of dissatisfaction that we put up with.

We really shouldn't have to. It's sad to me. Yeah. And it's true. And you were in your career, in a way, being of service. You were making people laugh, which is something we don't do enough in our world. And it brings people joy and happiness, gives them a dopamine hit. It makes you feel a little better. It's not the worst thing in the world. It's not like you were making pesticides for Monsanto or something. That's my next career.

Well, you know what I think it was, too, though? I think it was my dad dying on a Saturday. So I had to do a shift because comics usually work on Friday, Saturday. So I remember every Saturday I would be a little sad and I'd have to psych myself up. And I saw this great TED Talk or YouTube talk. Some comics said about giving laughs instead of getting laughs, because we as

comics can be very self-centered. It's gimme, gimme, gimme. I killed. Oh, yeah, it's all about me. And I started to have to shift it to giving to the audience. And that's when I started getting standing O's again. But then that didn't seem like it was fulfilling enough. And I go, you know what, I'm going to step back from this. I'm going to shift my life. And I felt the only time that I was really making myself happy and them was to do something totally different, like I'm doing now with the workshops and the coaching and stuff. It just is the fit that I was looking for. Okay, so you're in this transition, your father dies, you're waking up to the fact that you want to shift your life towards more joy, that you were helping your dad through the process of death and being of service. And then that gave you, even though

he was dying, it gave you a different experience of joy or happiness, which is kind of bizarre, but it actually is actually what happens when you're in service. In fact, being of service, altruism is hardwired into us and it actually stimulates dopamine in the brain, just like heroin or cocaine or that donut. Oh, well, good. I'm glad I got the healthy way. Yeah. And so you had this insight, but insight often doesn't translate into action or behavior. Right. What was the sort of moment where you were like, okay, I'm going to do these things. I'm going to get divorced. I'm going to quit my job. I'm going to get my body under control. I'm going to do this new career. Like, was it all of a sudden, boom, it happened? Or was it this slow process?

I think it was sort of brewing inside for all those years, you know, that my father was sick and then afterwards. And I'm the type, I was brought up by Depression-era parents. So I said to myself, I'm not going to do this stupidly. I'm going to make sure I save enough money so that if I never make any more money, it's okay. Even if I live in a tiny studio the rest of my life, I don't care. So I said, look, do it the right way. Have a target date set up for this, which I did.

But I think it was the real turning point of actually taking the action was I took this workshop at Kripalu, which is a meditation place and yoga center in the Berkshires, from a woman called Maria Sirwa. And she's very, very into positive psychology. And she has this three-step plan for resilience. So it's accept reality as it is, take small actions to give you a happier life, and then seal it with gratitude. Because we all forget to seal it with gratitude for what is currently here. So I started doing that. I'm like, okay, what's the reality? Don't love comedy, learn how to be a coach, see if I like the classes, see if it's something I'm good at, follow that. So I had my little plan all set up. Then I was like, okay, see if it's something I'm good at, follow that. So I had my little plan

all set up. Then I was like, okay, what action first? And I'd start doing these steps. And then I'd practice gratitude too. And it all sort of converged into where about a year and a half ago, I go, oh my God, I totally am ready. But again, the resilience is that, hey, I'm going to keep coming back and coming back. And that's what makes me keep going. So if I have a coaching session where I think I dropped the ball in this practice session, I mean, if I do a workshop where I don't get through to somebody out of the 30 people, and I, you know, it stops me from beating myself up. So I think that resilience practice is huge. And I think that's what kind of made it all a reality for me. So if you're, you know, talking to people, maybe there's 100 people, maybe there's a million people

listening who are wanting to change their life and struggling and getting inspired from this conversation about how you shifted, what would you tell them? Well, this is a great question because the first thing everybody says is, well, it was easy for you because you have money. First of all, I'm not some kind of baller who's sitting on $38 million. I'm not one of those people. But we all have the means to do little steps. So it's not easy for me. I started in comedy when I was 30. Mark, I lived with my parents and hid it from everybody because I was like, oh, you know, I want to make it as a comic. So even if you have no money or you-

You live in the basement with a Janis Joplin poster on the wall. Worse than that, believe me. I lived in my childhood bedroom because I was like, I'm cool as hell. I'm going to be a comic. So with this, I did one of these things where I go, okay, Lisa, you want to quit comedy. You have a few bucks in the bank, but it ain't going to last forever. What's the worst that can happen? See, I'm the type.

I ask what the worst is can happen, and then I do it anyway, because the worst ain't that bad. Mark, they all go to, I'm going to be homeless. 90% of people I talk to, oh, I'm going to be homeless. When the hell have you ever been homeless? I should call my next book. Hey, at least I can type. The fact is we all have a skill we can use. We all have a gift.

We all can work at Starbucks. I mean, they have health insurance for God's sake. So I always say to people, stop thinking everybody else has it easy. Look at your reality, write it down, then figure out little steps. Because don't you find with your patients too, little steps make you feel so much better. So I'm taking little steps. Like little wins, little wins. If I can do it, anyone can. Because I'm, you know, I am just feeling my way out too. Okay, so you've gone through all this and you've started, you got trained in coaching.

You were leading workshops. Yeah, I love that. Oh my God, to be in a group of people and have them feel like they can work on themselves just makes me so happy. It's so cool. So how do you use your story to work with them? That's a great question too. What happened to you? You must've gotten married to a wonderful woman who brought it out of you. I did. She's texting me as we speak, so I ask all the right questions. If I could attract a male Mia, I would be so happy. I have to settle for a dog so the thing is storytelling is a huge part of my workshops and I'll tell you why I show I'm vulnerable to tell all the crap I've been through with food I mean because you know we have a lot of shameful food behavior from

the past I tell them hey I'm still working on me I still had a little binge the other night I still didn't feel good about myself yesterday when I looked in the mirror. I tell a lot of story throughout the weekend workshop so people know that they could tell theirs too. So what I love, oh my God, I remember the first time, because I'm very anal, I like to try out every step of the workshop with friends and family before just to make sure it's good, before I sell tickets to the public. I remember the first time I told the story, every person around the room just like emoted and was really open and vulnerable and told their story. And I'm like, wow, that story helps promote openness and vulnerability. And that's, people just want to feel safe. If I tell you my story, you feel safe to tell yours. And if you

don't, that's okay. So all I can do is be an open book. That's why I said to you, hey, ask me anything you want. I'm the most open book in the world because I always tell my publicist, she has the easiest job because I've told her everything. She'll never find naked pictures of me on the internet. Thank God. Amazing. So what are the things that have emerged from people doing your workshops?

Have you seen people shift? Yes. Have there been changes? Some are a slow boil. They'll sit there and they'll go, wow, I feel a little better. And we give them an exit plan, as you know, afterwards to maybe start a Facebook group together to have sort of a life map for the next year or whatever. A lot of them, it takes them a long time to get to the actual action,

but it's brewing up there just like it did for me. So I have a friend who she took my workshop and took no action for about six months. Then she emails me that she just went to hypnotist and she's gone down six sizes in three months. And that's, she says it all started when she took the workshop. I didn't tell her to get hypnosis.

She had to find that out for herself as a tool, but you can lead them to be more self accepting, more open to these different messages and modalities. And you go, Hey, this is great. So, so far I haven't had any complaints.

I make them fill out feedback forms. I said, you're not going to hurt my feelings. I'm new at this. So, you know, I just, you know, hope that it keeps kind of getting better and better. Yeah, you know, there's an amazing sociobiologist, a scientist at Harvard, E.O. Wilson, who's written many books and is, you know,

one of the leading scientists in the world. And he said the world is really interpreted through story, and that's what creates meaning in life. Right, right. And I think that we really all need to have story in order to make sense of our experience. And your story and the stories you tell and the storytelling is really how we understand the world. That's a good point. Now that I don't do stand-up anymore, I do do these storytelling nights where me and a bunch of people, actors, comics, different people who have weight or food issues in their past or present, and we tell stories.

And they're really funny, but they also are heartfelt. And I just, after those shows, I notice there's a real sort of shift in the question and answer session where it's like people want to go way deeper. They don't want to keep it surfacy anymore. I'm like, ooh, so they benefited from story. And also, you know how the coaching class I'm taking, you really work on dissolving people's limited thoughts and the stories they tell themselves about themselves so last night for instance with this eating thing with the loneliness yeah what was what was the whole narrative going on it was wild because really i mean the work is in there for a minute the work is dissolving those thoughts i had a day where i just wanted to talk to my best friend i have the same best friend for 32 years. I call her up.

She's disabled. So I, you know, we talk on the phone a lot instead of get together in person. She's not around. And it's almost like a life partner in a way where you're like, why aren't they around? Yeah, right. So I go, oh, I have no friends.

Like literally that thought comes in. I have no friends. Now, if you logically look in my phone, you're going oh my god you have at least five people who are that deeply invested in the friendship as you are yes however the thought is i have no friends then it's the feeling is sadness loneliness etc then the behavior is could have been eating so that have been that sheet cake. Hell yeah. The M&Ms, one after another. So instead, I take the story, like the tools we learned in coaching, is to really try to dissolve it and say, is that true? Do I have no friends? Well, it certainly feels that way now. Yes, it's true. Is it absolutely true? Like Byron Katie says, no, because we don't know what's absolutely true. Nothing is absolute.

And then it's sort of going, how would I act, behave, and feel if I never had that thought? I wouldn't go to the food. I wouldn't be sad. So it's getting distanced from the story. So the crap that we tell ourselves, we can self-coach a lot. I'm not trying to talk myself out of getting clients, but let me tell you something. A lot of this self-coach a lot. I'm not trying to talk myself out of getting clients, but let me tell you something. A lot of this self-coaching really helps people because I have to every day go, oh, that thought's coming up, and then get some distance from it.

So that's a very interesting thing because most of us, thought and behavior have no space in between. The pause, the big pause has to happen. We have the thought. We identify with the thought. We happen we have the thought we identify with the thought we act based on the thought and that determines our reality yeah what you're saying is you figured out a way to create a pause between thought and behavior right i'm lonely i have no

friends i might as well get fat again because nobody cares about me and i'm sitting here by myself just my dog and life's terrible. And then you go down this rabbit hole. Yeah. So I'm trying to integrate that for me. And like Byron Katie's work about that, just as, I mean, at first I was like, I read Byron Katie's book years ago. Okay, back up.

Who's Byron Katie? Oh, she's the foremost authority on something called the work, this work she created. And Martha Beck, who I'm taking my coaching certification class with, promotes using that as a tool with yourself and with your clients. It's basically deconstructing that story to where you go. It's just not true and having some distance from it. So it's asking yourself a series of questions about your beliefs and your thoughts. Yeah.

Like, for instance, do you have a limiting belief, Mark? Does a limiting belief ever come up for you? Are you that perfect that you don't? Yeah, of course. Okay. Like, what would be something that would weirdly just pop into your mind at a moment of stress? That's an interesting question. I think it's interesting because my mother brainwashed me to believe that I have no limits.

Which is actually the opposite problem, which has allowed me to drive myself into the ground and to harm myself in different ways than overeating, but it's not that different. Sure. And I think- Okay, so even if you take that, that limiting thought that keeps you stuck in this, Byron Katie says, what you should do is you go,

I have no limits. Is that true? No, hell no. Okay. So say you were the guy. I can only eat like 12 cookies. Oh, I love that limit.

I love that. Now. And she would then say, you know, do you, you work, you work around that knowing that's not true and how, what, what you would be like if you didn't think that was true, which probably would be say no more. I feel like you don't have to heal the whole world. I don't. Yeah, I know. Weird, right? Like I turned down. This podcast is over then. See, I turned down a client today because I don't want to be that person who thinks they have to save the world because I have limited resources. I mean, I'm just learning this. Plus, it was like about addiction, and I'm like, I don't know anything about that call, Dr. Drew. So I just go, isn't it funny that this Byron Katie developed this thing that we can get some distance and go, oh, I'm telling myself that story again. So is that true? And what are the next questions she has? Well, you already said

no. So you know it's not true. So you know how to act as a person who knows it's not true. So what would you do differently? I would say no more. There you go. I would feel like I had to work on the challenging thoughts that make me feel like I have to do everything for everybody all the time. Wow. That's a heavy burden. Yeah. It's not even true, but it's like... Right. But it feels true in the moment. That's what's great about the fact that you're an adult now and you don't have to stay in that. And she says, you just basically look at it. And even if you say, you ever do this, even if you could go, huh, oh, I'm going into my Mark saves the world thing again, then it's a distant thought.

It's like, oh, that's not really me. The real Mark or the real Lisa is, oh, I can help some people. Wow, this is great. Opposed to, if I don't help them, they're all going to kill themselves and everybody's going to die. I'm the savior of the world because that's what every surgeon has that problem. And that's why they're all dicks because they all freaking, no offense surgeons, I love you out there, especially my bariatric surgeon, by the way. And that's why our ego gets involved. You know, I, oh my God, Mark, I work on my freaking ego every day because I'm like,

oh my God, do I have enough Instagram followers? Do I have enough Twitter followers? Because you want to make this business a success. i get oh my god likes that i get i can't even read those things and you want to know what's interesting do you like do you find this when you forget about something the right things happen so basically like i completely forget that we pitched my publicist pitched me to be on Dr. Oz about six months ago about this new life of mine. I forgot about it because they didn't have time. Yesterday out of nowhere, oh yeah, Dr. Oz, they want to put you on next week. Oh my God. So isn't it funny when we forget about it and we let it go? So don't you find that's important letting things go too? Yeah, absolutely.

I love that. So you're in the struggle, you're working things go too? Yeah, absolutely. I love that. So you're in the struggle. You're working with these thoughts last night. You're breaking through where you have this process. You have a process. And these are things that people can learn, right? These are things that people can incorporate into their life. And it's not rocket science.

It's just a method. And there are different methods. There's the work. Sure. It's a billion things. ACT. I don't know what it stands for, but it works. So for you, you worked through that process that Byron Katie did,

and it helps you to sort of not go and grab that sheet cake. Yeah. Yeah, because honestly, it's those thought-driven behaviors that have not served me and continue not to. Again, I fail a lot, but that's okay. By the way, you're like 57 and it's not too late to start. God, no. Like I said, I got 40 years left. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. That's just baloney. Oh, yeah. No one's ever too old to get out of something they don't like and yes again and and this is one i don't like either they go well i want to be you know a singer or this or that or the other but my job i can't do it don't you think sometimes you could shift say you're stuck in a job there's

this is a reality for a lot of people you have stay. There's a way to bring an element of service into that job or the feeling you get from another job into that one. Yeah. It's very hard for people to feel like they have the ability to control their life and their destiny. I think it's really tough to own that. And scientific research is really clear about this. When you look, for example, at your socioeconomic status and your risk of disease, it's more of a risk than obesity or smoking or a lot of exercising. And the defining aspect of that is powerlessness, is the idea that

you don't have control over your destiny, over your life, that you're stuck in this and you're stuck in that, a bad marriage, a bad job. And it's very tough to break through that. What would you tell people who are saying, like, I just can't. I'm stuck in this life. I can't get out of it. I can't change it. I never thought I would say this because I always made fun of this stuff,

but gratitude is the biggest freaking healer in the world. First of all, I was at a seminar a couple weeks ago, and she said, compassion and gratitude are your abracadabras, which is so, I love that saying, because you have to have compassion for yourself. Yes, I have to look at myself with some empathy and compassion that I feel stuck, and I'm not going to beat myself up about feeling like that yes because if you can't be self-compassionate you can't be compassion for the guy who you think is screwing you up at work and gratitude I know it's super like I used to make fun of gratitude so much because I'd be like oh I have to get my little gratitude journal and write three things I'm

going to guess what good comedy I know I actually used to make fun of gratitude a lot and i go wait a minute but it works and it really does if you oh i'm so sorry i'm banging on the desk see i see now i'm grateful that you pointed that out in a sweet and loving way um no i just wanted to hold your hand i know everybody does mark um but here's the fact if we can go thank God I have a job to go to. Oh my God, I feel stuck. But you know what? There's one thing I'm happy I have eyesight. Or just some of the stuff we take so for granted.

And again, it's not easy. That's the whole thing. Don't think I'm telling you it's easy. It's freaking hard. But you want to change your life. Unfortunately, that's a step that has to happen. Yeah, it's true. What you're speaking about is not only what you're doing, but how you're doing it and your internal experience.

Yeah. People can have all sorts of jobs, but everybody's experienced this where you go somewhere and somebody's in some menial job and they're just happy. Yes. They make your life better. I mean, we went to the airport once and and we we had this guy who we went like business class and it was overseas and we had this guy come up to us who was supposed to kind of escort us through the process oh i love that and you know you could see a grumpy person who's trying to help you through navigate through an airport which is stressful crazy but this guy was loving on everybody on every tsa agent and every person you saw loving on us making fun making us laugh just having the best time right and like he had a

job that you could construe as kind of a menial job that didn't have meaning and he brought the meaning to the job. Now, wow, that's a great way to put it. Because we all it's an inside job. Like the external job doesn't really matter. I mean, I have a friend who she's physically disabled, as I said, so all she can do physically is volunteer one day a week. She brings so much joy to those people that one day a week that she tells them how to do arts and crafts, that she has more meaning in her life, they have more in their life, she could look at herself and go, Oh, my God, I don't even work. I'm a loser. I have no job. And I'm like, dude, you're doing more for them than a lot of people do. You know, I'll be the one who goes into a Starbucks and I'm like,

wow, that person's in a great mood. He gave me coffee. What are they doing? And it's cool to take time to ask them like, Oh oh my God, you're in such a great mood and see how they did that shift. Some people, look, there's a lot of us who have a low grade depression no matter what. Like we just kind of were born a little off. I was totally born a little off. Oh my God. A little Lexapro goes a long way for me. But the fact is, once you kind of get that stuff straight, it's up to us to kind of fix what we're bringing to the table. I could be miserable earning $8 million a year from comedy. Well, I could also be happy- A lot of people would love to try to do that.

Yes. I could also be happy working in a bookstore for $3 an hour. So basically, okay, how do you merge those two things where you can bring that joy and get that happiness out of something that you may not want to be stuck in, quote unquote. And then, of course, there's risk, right? There's a lot of risk because you could fail at this. Sure. You could end up not homeless, but in a studio apartment in some slum somewhere.

And you know what you say, or what I say to myself for that, and what I've said to a few practice clients, I've been like, you know that whole saying, it doesn't happen to you, it happens for you. Okay, then what lesson was I say to myself for that and what I've said to a few practice clients I've been like you know that whole saying it doesn't happen to you it happens for you okay then what lesson was I supposed to learn not that I have I shouldn't have taken a risk it's oh I had to learn that humility I had to learn how to be more humble how to live smaller I had to learn that possessions don't count that I don't need the big house, if I end up living with my mother at 90 years old- In your childhood bedroom.

You know what? That may be what I need to learn the lesson for life. So all these tools that I, thank God, have been learning for years from these different workshop leaders and then the coaching school and stuff, I go, wow, I could apply them to my life because a whole big part of it is, she says, live it to give it you gotta live them if you're gonna ask somebody else to okay now you just started on this right you started your journey you know with your bariatric surgery in yes 2011 right i think yeah like seven years ago yeah right and so you've gone through that uh but you're still doing comedy and doing your normal life you just were so working at moving slowly through it. Yes.

Getting a husbandectomy. Yes. Doing those kinds of things. Now you've sort of embarked on this new life. You announced on Howard Stern really literally a few months ago, not even a year. Yeah, yeah. What terrifies you now about this? Relationships.

Male-female relationships. I literally, okay, I'm writing my book proposal because I have one of my- Other people's relationships? No, no, no. I am inspired when I see a great relationship. Like you guys are like the cutest couple ever. People, you'll never get a chance to hang out with them

because you're not famous like me. Bad. No, I love good couples. However, I'm writing my book proposal for my second book, and I have to do something that I'm scared of in one of the chapters. And I said, the only thing that scares me right now is one-on-one intimacy. And I don't mean sex.

I mean that real intimacy of sharing. And that's the only thing I've been consistently, quote unquote, a failure at in my life, is that I don't even know what that looks like for me. So I go, wow, I'm going to have to challenge myself and do this damn thing. Are we having an intimate conversation now? I guess, but I don't have to worry about you seeing me naked, even though I know that's what you're thinking.

They all do. Your cameraman's going insane for me. No, but you see what I mean? That scares me. And I go, Lisa, you're going to do the work. Because here's the problem though. Here, this is where I'll ask your advice because you're the genius. I didn't go to know Cornell and Harvard and all this stuff, Cleveland guy. Where'd you go? Cornell. Yeah, I love Cornell. My first boyfriend went to Cornell, engineering student. here's the deal i don't care about sex because i'm going through menopause i don't care about listen i have patients who are 80 who are still i know it's happily to me it's so disgusting but that's me this is me well what do you say to somebody who feels nothing's missing in their life, but knows a little part

of it is the fear of getting into something? In other words, say I didn't have my dog yet, and a little part of that was, I'm scared I'll lose him. And if I have a dog, God forbid he'll die. What would you say to somebody like me who's going, I don't miss having a partner, I don't really want one. But part of me knows it's fear based. Would you say move forward little steps? Like how would we do this? What is the fear about? Is it about being seen? Is it about revealing something about yourself that somebody doesn't like? All the above. That I don't know how to do it.

You don't lose it or they don't actually know how? I think I always dated, even though I'm very good friends with my ex-husband, I went to his wedding, to his new wife. We were very good friends. I always dated the junk food of men. Just like I was attracted to junk food in life, for food I was attracted to guys who didn't really fill me. The halo top of guys, I call it.

So these guys look pretty on the outside but basically are just air so i never had someone who's an equal i never had a spiritual equal but that's me going uh-oh then they're going to see through the smoke and mirrors that is lisa so me talking i did a comedy show once with a whole group of comics for 20 000 people doesn't even worry me i'm like big deal you if you told me tomorrow you have to speak to 20 000 people in a speech i'd be like no problem dude you tell me i gotta sit one-on-one with a guy look at his eyes i would totally be freaking out so that's what i'm scared of but again that's like the journey yeah i gotta not all of us are there yet So what's the thought? Oh, look at you learning from me. What is the thought? The thought is... What is the belief behind the thought? I'm not enough. Is that true?

It feels true. But if you ask me if it's absolutely true, if we're doing that Byron Katie thing, no, it's definitely not true. I'm definitely right for someone and someone's right for me. So how would I act? And how would my thoughts be? I would go, stay open. Don't run away. Don't skeeve it. Don't be like, ick. Be open, nice, talk to people and see what happens. I mean, you don't have to get in bed with everybody, but you can practice, right? Practice what? Intimacy. Oh, just talking and stuff?

Yeah. Oh, okay. I'll try. Listen, I'll come back on the podcast in a year. We'll see if I open my eyes. You know what I mean? But isn't it interesting? We're all still working on stuff.

Absolutely. It's so important. And it's those things that actually are the juicy parts of life where growth happens, right? Yeah, the scariest parts. Because, of course, I wanted to not quit comedy at first because that was my identity. Of course, I wanted to not downsize and not sell all my shoes and bags and purses because they had so much meaning. But if I didn't take those steps, I wouldn't be doing this now and have joy. So maybe, you know what? I heard the most beautiful story once. It was in a

novel, I think. And it was in the 70s. And a little old lady, it was written, an African-American man wrote it. And he said he was on the bus one day and he felt this thing on his head. And this old woman, like nine years old, was touching his afro and he goes are you okay and she goes if i oh i love this he goes if i had never she goes if i'd never felt it i wouldn't know how soft it was and i was like oh my god because i have never felt it so i don't know how soft it is right and i never did it with children because of the fear of, oh my God, I'll screw them up.

Someday I got to do it with a dude. Yeah. So, who knows, maybe when I'm 70, maybe when I'm 60. Who knows, Mark Hyman,

you change lives. I don't know. It's interesting. You say that comedy was your way of connecting to people. Oh, yes. And now,

you want to do what makes you feel more connected to people and have them be connected to you. But it's people, not person. Exactly. Like I always would joke and say I'm a gift to the world. Why should I tie myself down to one person? If he's sucking my attention dry, what am I going to do? How am I not going to be out there for you guys?

But we all know there's successful people like yourself who are able to open up emotionally one-on-one. So there are also, we'd never see a married guy or woman make strides in their life. So it's a basic cop-out. So that's the one I really got to go, ooh, you can have both. Like I see my brother and his wife, oh my God, they met in college. They're like the cutest still. They have six kids by choice. And I'm like, okay, that's a cute couple. I see my brother-in-law and my sister. I'm like, oh, they're so cute.

The more you see examples, the more you know there's hope. At least for me, I do. So this is like you sort of conquered the part around career. You conquered the part around body, although it's a dynamic work in progress and you you really value connecting and being connected and now there's this other frontier for you yeah yeah something that is really possible to shift yeah and and it seems like you're, I think the way I hear you in the subtext of what you're saying is that you're thinking about,

oh, I need to find the guy who's not the junk food. I need the health food guy. Well, here's the problem, though. The spiritual health food guy. I don't think I need to find anyone. That's my problem is there's no driving force. Well, you don't believe that that kind of exists in a way. Right, I'm sure I don't.

And so that's why you're not looking for it. But maybe the answer isn't that. Maybe the answer is, how do you become the person that is able to do that? Yeah. It's all within me. And you can practice. Yeah. You can just, I would encourage you to practice.

Ew, how? Would I go on a celebrity dating app? I don't know. Just like, make it a practice to get intimate with strangers. Oh, that's cool. You know? Yeah. Like, dig deep.

Go in. Ask hard questions, opening questions. Listen. Like, just practice where there's less risk. Yes. And see what happens. Yeah. Because everybody loves that.

I went out to dinner with a group of friends. We've known each other for a long time last night. And we can talk about all our work, what we're doing in our life, and our relationships, and this and that, achievements, blah, blah, blah. But what we did instead was we went deep. We went around the table and really went deep. And each person got to share what was meaningful for them, or what was up for them, things that really

they were caring about in this moment. Right, right. In a way that was beautiful and intimate and brought up their fears and their anxieties and their struggles. And it was in a safe place. Yes. Like that was like such a satisfying dinner conversation rather than all of us bragging about our careers and our this and that. And it's like, you know, one guy's kid was getting bullied at school. Another one had started a big business and was kind of overwhelmed. Right, right. Another one was, you know, his mother just died and was just struggling with what that meant and how to live his life.

See, I love that vulnerability with friends. I always say I don't ever have small talk. Like I always like to go, like me and my friends always go deep. And even on game nights, I have game night like once every 10 days. So my mom has like, go like me and my friends always go deep and even on game nights i have game night like once every 10 days so my mom has like she loves games and stuff so all my friends come over and after she leaves we have like these big talks and i go i don't have time for tennis friends i just like deep friends but if it's a guy that's cute and it has a potential for romance that's what freaks me out so again what's great is going well i don't

know my food thing 100 solved but i can still go in there and work on it i could say the same with this i could say oh just because he's a guy doesn't mean i can't say hey man how you doing you know and actually say what's up or whatever but you would laugh if you saw me with guys too because this is me. Like if a guy even looks like he might be, even in the least bit straight, I'll be like, hey man, what's up? Like I turn instantly into a trucker. I put up every, what do you think the blue hair is?

The wall. That is the wall. The border wall. Yeah. And once they can get through that wall, they get to LL. Wow. But it's cool. I think it's great because I don't ever...

There's no immigration on this side of the wall. Oh, no. Hell no. But what's funny is I never am attracted to people who are supposed experts in spirituality and self-help and stuff who are 100% fixed because I don't think that's possible. So I'm kind of... There's a lot of gurus who've fallen pretty hard. Yeah.

So I think me telling this to you, me knowing this about myself, I go, that's cool. Then people know they can be vulnerable too. They can come to a workshop and go, yeah, she has trouble changing, so do I. I like that. It's so powerful. So what do you do around food now? So there's so many, I mean, listen, 70% of us are overweight in this country. 40% are obese.

There's so much struggle around weight and food. And not to say you've mastered it, but you have a dynamic relationship with it that has allowed you to be more free around it. Right, right. And so what is a typical day like for you around food? What's your relationship with food now? You know, after the bariatric surgery, what does your diet look like? Well, it's funny because right after the surgery, I allowed myself, my surgeon said to me, he goes, Lisa, come on, you've been denying yourself so many years.

You know, you're just going to eat what you're not supposed to. I know this. He goes, but, you know, give that a time limit. So I found that- After the surgery, he's telling you that. Well, he goes, you know give that a time limit so i found that after the surgery he's telling you well he goes i know what you're going to do he goes people do this he goes except the reality as it is he goes you're gonna throw up if you do that right well he goes you know you know you're supposed to eat 70 protein i'm like yep so for the first year or so i was like oh i'm just kind of having fun and eating appetizers and doing this, but tiny little amounts because you can only eat six very small meals a day.

You can eat very small volume with this surgery because it was the gastric sleeve, which makes your stomach literally the size of a banana at the most, a tiny banana. Like one of those Central American bananas. Yes, those little things. So I eat very little. So after about a year of all the weight coming off, I said, you know what? Notice in your body what you're feeling. You're feeling tired. You have no energy. So I went to a functional medicine doctor in Connecticut and we figured out this

plan where I eat so much protein, also good grains. But because of the small stomach, I can't eat a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables because that fills me up and I don't have enough energy from protein. So I have to drink the shakes and the protein powders and this and that. You can blend the vegetables. Oh, yeah. That's exactly what I do. I mean, I love it. I thought when she said smoothie, I was like, oh, my God, could you kill me?

It's so freaking delicious. And I never, again, something I never thought I'd like. So for me now, it's pretty much eating six small meals a day, mostly protein, blended vegetables, things that really make me have energy, which has changed everything because all my levels, I get them checked every year. They're perfect, thank God. And it's just me integrating what I kind of know what my body needs. But, hey, do I fail? Like I said. Like do you have anything bad in your house? No, I have dark chocolate, which isn't bad.

I don't drink. I've never drank. I just don't like booze. You know, occasionally, like after Christmas, I'll have stuff hanging around. And I go, hey, 20% of the time, I do 80-20. I'm never going to be perfect. If I have a piece of cake, I always say, if I go to a party for somebody's birthday and I don't have a piece of cake, there's something mentally wrong with me.

Like, what is wrong with this person? So I have to treat myself. Nobody can feel like they have to be perfect around food because it's just, to say I'm never having a bagel again is an impossibility. So yeah, and again, it's that self-compassion of going, this week, was it 80-20? Eh, it was more 30-70. Okay, forgive yourself and make next week better.

So that's what my food's kind of like. So you were lonely last night. What was there around that you were going to go eat? I was going to have, because I do have some chocolate-covered pretzels, but there I know, which is the best thing ever. And again, I go, wait a minute. For gaining weight. Yeah, yeah, of course. have some chocolate covered pretzels but there i know which is the best thing ever and again i go for gaining weight yeah yeah of course and i was like okay that would not make me feel good i'll

be mad at myself because you know like they say in aa if you drink over a problem then you have two problems i go if i eat over the problem then i have two problems i won last night i might not win tonight i just think us having an all or nothing attitude is not going to work. So today, last night I won. We'll see what happens today. I'll email you and let you know. So for all those people out there listening and want to shift their lives, and you could give them a superpower. You were the master of the universe. Right, right. You and bestow a superpower what would you what would you do for them what would you stop operating out of fear stop letting yourself stay stuck out of fear you're not going to be homeless there's maybe a few of you who deserve to be but you're not going to be stop try to lead with joy and love and And guess what? If you're quote unquote stuck,

there are ways out of it. There's ways to go to yourself. Okay, I got to do this now, but what can I shift inside me that makes me have a better eye towards the future? I think, oh man, if we could do things out of fear less, we'd be so much better off. Don't you think? Absolutely. I think always choose love, not fear. I had dinner with this friend of mine who always seems happy and grounded and calm and life is great. And I'm looking at him like, what's your deal? He's like, I decided that I could choose in every situation, love or fear. And if I choose love, life's's way better and i think that's an important thing to think about every time you have to make a decision am i choosing love or fear

right fear being lonely i'm going to eat that chocolate pretzel fear of whatever you do something that's going to hurt yourself love well that's a different thing right and then you get to actually have the experience of self-love or loving others. And you know what the big thing, too, is you ever notice, don't catastrophize. Like, we all catastrophize. I'm working with this kid. I freaking love him.

He's 20 years old. He wants to get out of Connecticut and be a TV guy in New York City or L.A. I'll never get out of Connecticut. I'll never get out of Connecticut. I'll never get out of Connecticut. I go, look, just take this assignment this week. Write down reality as it is. Find out how much it's going to cost to move, how much it's going to cost to live there. And just, that's all I want to know next week. I go, but you really research this. Don't be like catastrophizing. It's the

cashmere curtain over Connecticut. You can't get through it. Yeah. No, you can't. It's very debilitating. This kid goes, oh my God, I put the numbers down and I could totally save to move in a year. And I go, oh, so he had catastrophized. He'd never get out. We forget to just really write it down on paper. For those people too who are anal and need to write that down as a plan, that serves us really well. Me meeting with my business manager and saying, this is the greatest sentence I've ever had told to me. My business manager said, I said, can I afford to stay in my house for the rest of my life?

And he said, oh, yeah, if you only live 15 more years. So the fact is you accept reality and go, I can move forward knowing that. Yeah. When you're 75, you'll find the perfect guy. Hell yeah. Come on, man. All right. Well, Lisa, thank you so much for being on The Oxford Pharmacy.

People can find out more about you at? lisalampanelli.com. All my workshop schedules there. You can email me about coaching and my performance schedule for my storytelling. Yeah. And you've got some great stuff going on. You've got this great workshop lead called Love Your Body, Feed Your Soul from Starving and Stuffed

to Fulfilled and Enough. Yes. And it's happening in Hamden, Connecticut, New York, and Washington, D.C. Check it out. It's happening soon. And also another one called When It's Time to Change, Moving Past Fear and Stepping Into You, which is also happening pretty soon in Guilford, Connecticut, Poughkeepsie, New York. Check out her site.

There's some storytelling shows, which are very funny, Fat Chance, and even a conversation with and story with Lisa Lampanelli. So she's still out there doing her thing, making people laugh and grow and heal. And it's such an inspiring story. I hope everybody listening will take a quick look at their lives and go, hmm, what isn't working? What am I choosing fear and not love? What can I do differently and be inspired by what you've had to share? So thank you for being on the doctor's pharmacy. Thank you. This has been a huge honor and people, we're all struggling, so let's do it together. Absolutely. So you've been listening to the doctor's pharmacy. This is Dr. Mark Hyman. This is a place for conversations that matter. I think today's conversation did matter.

It mattered to me. And if you love this podcast, please share with your friends and family on social media. Please leave a review. We'd love to hear what you think. And stay tuned. And we'll see you next week on The Doctor's Pharmacy.