The Dr. John Delony Show - A Family Copes w/ a Teen Who Attempted Suicide

Episode Date: August 27, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode How do we move on and create a new normal after our 16yo got out of treatment for attempting self-harm? Our parents feel that COVID is proof of end times. How can we watch them give up on a good life while they just search the internet and pray? How can I help my kids cope with going back to school after being isolated for so long? Lyrics of the Day: "It's The End of the World" - R.E.M.   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: suicide/self-harm, parenting, trauma/PTSD, grief   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Today's show is about connecting our kids when they're going back to school and they're disconnected in our home. We also talked to an awesome daughter and sister whose parents believe we are in end times and it's the end of the world and we know it and they don't feel fine. Stay tuned. What up? what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. We're so glad you're here. So glad you're hanging out with us. Whether we are piping into your headphones or you're driving along with your family.

Every time I hear somebody say, yeah, me and my kids, I always think, wow, man, cool. Rock on, dude. However you're listening to the show, we're so glad you're with us. Talking about mental health, relationships, taking real calls from real people. And we've got some good stuff on today's show. I'm glad you're here. But before we get rolling, Kelly, dude, you're a NASCAR driver down the old highways. What happened?

So I was driving in this morning in my minivan. Cool mom alert. Exactly. And there was a big, huge truck in front of me, like a big Ford Dually. And he was swerving. I don't know if he was on his phone or what, but he was swerving around.

And I couldn't get around him because of some semis. And all of a sudden, he had this big Amazon box in the back of his truck. And it flew off and was coming toward my windshield. And I was able to swerve because I didn't know what was in the box. What was in the box? Like a human head or cocaine? What's in the box?

Sorry. What's in the box? What's in the box? Step one, you did not cut a hole in the box. Okay. So it was coming at your car. And then what happened? Well, I was able to swerve.

Thank goodness somebody was next to me. But the box hit the corner of my car and it just exploded it just had like packing material in it oh it was not body parts or cash or something no not that i couldn't see anything but i had to pull over and some guy pulled over on the side of the road and make sure my car was okay but he just kept driving he had places to go kelly yeah i had i had a lot of words none which i can share here. And there was no kids in the car? No, no. Well, dude, I'm glad you're okay.

Thank you. My heart is still pounding. It was... That's me. That's the effect I have on people. No. No, no. It usually slows down and stops. That usually just slows down until it's almost dead.

Until it's almost off. I've heard this show is a great meditation app for people to go to sleep to. The most important here, like I'm glad you're okay and blah blah but the minivan are we good it's good thankfully because it's like the new one so um yeah but it's all good i mean it was fine because it was just the box and packing material but i just had visions of like what's in this box it's coming through my windshield here in a minute into my head but alas james how was your drive to work this morning i mean by comparison it was lovely i just think it's great that kelly was like one minute late for for show call time here because

the box in her car so from now on if any of us are late she's gonna be like oh what happened did a box hit your car this morning that's's right. Did you almost die? No, I was kind of tired. And I'm glad that you managed to blame Ford and Amazon and a driver who's probably texting and driving. It's awesome. I was thinking we could come up with some way cooler stories about what this idiotic guy was doing in there. Well, when I passed him, because when I finally pulled over and everything,

and then he was at the same exit I was, and I didn't make any rude hand gestures. I would like you to know. I like you rage caught up with him. I love it. Well, we were at the same stoplight, but he went the other direction. I mean, he was just sitting there at the wheel. He had no idea.

Yeah, people were passing him because he was swerving before that and flipping him off and all sorts of things. But he was just oblivious, I guess, or whatever. He did not know what was coming for him, which was an angry Kelly in a minivan. If I hadn't had to be here and I was like right you know about to be late that's like ancient predatory it is death in just this rage inside yeah you're like where did that come from but oh i know where it comes from yeah i see it every day staring at me through the glass it's awesome well i'm glad you're okay, dude. It's awesome.

All right, let's go to Lynn in Eugene, Oregon. Good morning, Lynn. How are you? Hi, I'm good. Thanks. Awesome. What's up, man? How can I help?

Well, I appreciate the banter this morning, too. It helped my heart kind of calm down a little bit. Clearly, you've listened to this show before. We're not really great at this. And so no reason to be nervous at all. So what's up? Well, yeah, I've listened quite a bit. And you talk pretty often about when these hard things happen, about not trying to go back to the way things were before and trying to, you know, build something new. And I'm just wondering exactly how do you do that? So what happened in your life? Sorry.

Well, our 16 year old son he's been hey hold on one second hold on one second take a breath you good? take a big deep breath and hold it in

and just hang on to it for a second and then let it out you got a lot on your chest right? yeah it's been a it's been quite a few months yeah i'm so sorry so what happened what's up um so he has been in a residential place for about six weeks now. And he'll most likely be coming home, we're guessing, in the next few weeks. Okay. What was he in for? Yeah, what happened for all that short story, we ended up, or I ended up having to call 911 the week after school finished for them for him trying to hurt himself.

And it kind of been coming to a head for the month before that. And so he was, you know, all that happened. And he was in the psych room at the ER for three nights. And that was tough. That's a scary place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not cool. I sat in those many nights in those rooms and they're not great.

I'm so sorry. Yeah. It's like a storage unit. Yeah. And then you throw COVID on top and all the restrictions and everything. It's a mess, man. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Go's like a storage unit. Yeah. And then you throw COVID on top and all the restrictions and everything. It's a mess, man. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Golly, dude.

So, yeah, he'd been struggling with some, you know, anxiety and depression and screens and all that kind of exploded during COVID with having, they didn't go back to school around here until May. Um, we were home trying to do virtual school the whole time. And anyway, so we took him, um, straight from the hospital up, uh, to, um, a residential place, which has been, you know, really, it's been really good. Um, but so right now we're just trying to navigate when he comes home. Um, how do you feel like you're not holding your breath and turn those alarms off and give it a chance to start over? So this is, man, number one, I'd say it a hundred times. I've hugged a lot of moms in your situation over the years. And I'll say it one more time, but I'm so sorry. I've hugged a lot of moms in your situation over the years. I'll say it one more time, but I'm so sorry.

Nobody should have to call 911 on their own kid or for their own kid. The courage you took to try to not solve that problem or to recognize as a mom, I'm over my head in this, is so profound. And most moms and dads who have never experienced what you experienced don't know what it's like to have to hold that tension, right? I want to take care of my kid and realize I can't. And calling in other people to come help your kid, that's a huge thing. And so high five to you. Good for you. And my guest, you alluded to it a little bit, but you've been worried about this kid for a long, long time, right? So this has been, you've been slowly drowning for the last probably six or seven months.

And then you end up with a 911 call and then in a trauma ER, psychiatric ER, which is a nightmare. And you've been going through this too, right? Oh, yeah. We all have. My whole family. Yeah, but I'm only talking to you. And so I want to acknowledge this is hard. And this has been a hard, hard season.

And, man, I hate that for you. Yeah. So the other side of this call, which I love, is you saying, all right, you have all these little cute slogans, Deloney. How do I actually do this crap in my house? Right. Like, oh, cute little metaphor. This is real for me. So I love this. So I appreciate the call here. So backing out of this thing, how long have you known your son's not okay?

We have four other kids and he's kind of always been his own person super wanting his independence and has his own ideas and you know that's been him since he was little okay um but i say i would say that this really started you know showing up um just this last fall okay you know for backing up close enough um i'd say, you know, October, November-ish. Yeah. When it really started kind of building up, he was doing fine with online school. And then, you know, eventually things, he would sleep in and miss a class and that would make it hard to go back to class. And then he'd get behind on an assignment so he wouldn't go to class. And

then he tried to go, you know, just. Yeah. And snowballs on. Yeah. Was there something that set this off or was it just the gradual disconnect from his community that spun it out? And or, let me ask you that, was there also, were you and your husband or you and whoever's there trying to figure out how to work from home? Was there more chaos than normal or was it just him slowly unplugging from everything? Well,

five kids at home trying to do online school at the same time, you know, that's not chaos. I meant something else. Yeah, of course. Right. He's a pretty social kid.

And I think just the whole disconnect from from everything and on top of you know mom and dad saying get off youtube you're supposed to be in class and and i just kind of built and built he kind of he let us know that he'd been struggling with you know some pornography things and to me that's kind of where it started. It kind of went downhill from there real quick. Okay. Just everything. So when you called 911, walk me through that scene.

Well, the rest of us were heading out of town to go see grandma for the week and, um, he didn't want to come. And so he was going to be here. My husband was staying here also, but at work, um, he wanted me to leave, you know, the computer, the internet, and just let him have access to it, you know, the whole time they were gone. And, and we told him that he could have it when his dad got home in the evenings. And this had, this had built, you know, the technology stuff was huge for him. And so that was not okay. And we, you know, he was hiding everything he could think of to keep us from going. He took our keys and our wallets and our shoes and, you know, the work badge and was hiding everything so that we wouldn't leave. And we pretty much had to, you know, push our way out of the house to leave that morning. And it was ridiculous.

What was he scared of? My husband. Probably he hates that it's wasted time, that he could be doing stuff, and that he's not connected to. He doesn't have a phone. We haven't done that yet with him. And so not having any of that connection. And number one, good for you. Was he not wanting y'all to leave because y'all are his lifeline?

He's connected to y'all or he did not want y'all to leave because when y'all left, the Internet went off? That's number two. Okay. Okay. Pretty much. Okay. I invited him to come. I said, come and you can use the computer at grandma's house.

And I don't think he wanted to face, you know, grandma. He kind of avoids anybody right now who would come to the house he would he would take off and you know leave until they were gone and so now that he normally doesn't have a problem with grandma now that yeah and that's the demon of um depression right is this pain is innately my fault all of, and it's never going to go away. And then other people become a threat, right? And so does sunlight, and so does movement, and so does going outside, and so does disconnecting from the computer or whatever your addictions are. And so it's this weird self-reinforcing um i don't know the only way i can describe it is yeah unless you've you may have experienced it but it's like having a weight tied to your leg and you're in the water

and it's just pulling you under and you know all i have to do is pull my foot out of this thing and you feel like you can't and it just slowly pulls you under um yeah so you said he's been doing good. So how's his time in the treatment center been? Is he allowed to talk to you guys? Does he disconnect from you guys? Has he written you all letters, phone calls? How's that been? He can call every day if he wants to. He hasn't chosen to call at all yet.

He says he's using his time to call another friend that had been there and had left, and he was talking to him, which is fine's fine yeah hold on stop right there that hurts it's not it's not fine that's that's that's hard right yeah yeah don't just blow over that because the greatest thing on the the the dressing for your wound right now would be if he called you and said, Hey, I love you guys. And I'm okay. And I'm going to be coming home soon. I can't wait to see y'all. And he's not. Yeah. Every day y'all are waiting for that, while he's been gone. And I thought, give him a call. And anyway, I mean, not anyway.

Yeah. Thanks. Have you and your family sat down and owned that? Well, we have been able to do family sessions over Zoom with him now. Okay. So we've gotten to see him. No, but I mean, I think it's worthy to acknowledge he's been sick. He's not been doing well. And we all hoped he would call and he didn't.

And it's okay to be heartbroken about that. Yeah. Otherwise, there's going to be some built-in resentment when he comes home. It will turn into at some point, why didn't you? Right? Yeah. And I think it's good to own that. Whether it's just you and his dad or you and the older kid.

I don't know. Whoever's been struggling with that. But how's the Zoom sessions been? They're up and down. Has he got a lot of anger? Yeah, when we started. He definitely did. The therapist told us, you know, pretty much just take it, just listen, just try to validate and try to, you know, just let him talk. What was he mad about?

That we were trying to keep him from doing what he loved doing, that we weren't, we were listening, but not ever understanding. And what he loved doing that we weren't, we were listening, but not ever understanding. Um, and what he loved doing was internet related, um, you know, playing games online with his friends or making videos or, um, he's very, all his interests are, are a lot of them on the computer tech. Yeah. Um, and so when we said, okay, it's been, you know, six hours, time to take a break, it was, to him, that was never enough time. So is the, over time, the anger's dissipated a little bit, and where's he at now? Yeah.

You know, we had a really good session with him, and then this last one was a little discouraging because we're working on this family agreement. What's it going to look like when he comes home? And we still just don't completely agree there. And you could see that he just shut down after a while. He just clocked out. And so, you know, that's discouraging. It feels like those are the discussions we had at home and where we'd hit that wall and there was just no, we didn't know what to do after that. And you're right back where you started. That's

kind of where we're at. Yeah. What's the therapist saying to you guys? He's trying really hard to keep what he's saying. Um, and not necessarily, you know, to our son, it's, it's, it's,

you understand me. So that means give me what I'm asking. I can do whatever I want. Yes. Uh-huh. Yes. And if you don't do that, then you're rejecting not just what I want,

but you're rejecting me as a person. Right. And. And you know, that's inaccurate, right? Yeah. Okay. And is the therapist validating that's inaccurate too? He's letting our son, you know, feel that at least. He's letting him, because that's what he does feel, that mom and dad, you know, don't understand

and it feels to him like we're rejecting him so he's letting that sit so i think it is important and i would press the therapist if y'all have private time with the therapist it is important to let those feelings be felt it is and the therapist a good therapist is also a teacher and for a fully limbic 16-year-old with a barely forming prefrontal cortex, it's important to help them. Okay, you feel this. Now let's back out and pull this apart and see what is accurate and what it is not. Yeah. And I think a lot of that happens behind the scenes where we aren't there. Okay. Okay. They do all sorts of therapy and group stuff. I just want to make sure that's happening

because there's got the, as this thing transitions to him coming home, the therapist plays a key role in helping. You should hear things like, yes, you feel like they are rejecting you, but you know, that is not accurate. Correct. We talked about this. Yes. You should hear things like, yes, you feel like they are rejecting you, but you know that is not accurate, correct? We talked about this. Yes, you should hear things like that. Yeah. And at some point, the counselor can't just sit there and validate feeling after feeling after feeling, right? Now, he may tell you we're not there yet.

The kid is still so hypersensitive and is still in danger of hurting himself again that we're not there yet. And kid is still so hypersensitive and is still in danger of hurting himself again that we're not there yet. And I trust their expertise, obviously. So to back out and ask your question, have y'all got a release date? Not yet. Insurance kind of goes a couple weeks at a time. It doesn't sound like y'all are there yet. It doesn't sound like you may be a ways away. I'm guessing we're at least a couple weeks away, if not more. Okay. So here's a couple of things. You said two things already, which I think are really good, which are you and with a therapist and your son and your family are working on a home agreement. Here's what this is going to look like. And what that becomes is an external document, an external set of agreement that you can point to so that it doesn't become personal. It's not, y'all hate me. It is, nope, we all look over here. We agreed on this, right? And we agreed on this amount of time. I am 1000%. So I want you to take computer, six hours of computer time away

and put cocaine in there. Put alcohol in there. You got, your instincts are right. Your heart about, dude, this just doesn't feel like this is good for him is right. All right. And there's a difference between,

hey, I'm really good at coding or I really love making videos. All that's awesome. But video prep comes with storyboarding and going outside and shooting videos. Only a chunk of it is cutting and editing the video, right? And so there's all kinds of stuff you do pre and actual shoot that doesn't involve sitting for a screen all day. There is a heavy editing part. All I have to say is your heart and soul is right there. And I would not, especially in partnership with a therapist,

I would not budge on your family values when it comes to that. Okay? And that's me just talking parent to parent. I would be in the exact same boat with you. There has to be an ability to pull, help the 16-year-old pull those feelings back from, I know I feel like y'all are taking this from me, and that means you're rejecting me.

I know my parents loved me, and I've seen countless 16, 17, 18-year-olds get there. He just may not be there yet. He may still be really hurting and really struggling. So here's a couple of things I'll just toss out there that I think you and your other four kids and your, are y'all married? Yeah. Deadly at home. Okay. That y'all can begin to work on now. Okay. have that. But this is just for anyone listening to this, is you've got to create a safe and stable home. And I know that's hard and it sounds like it's an accusation. It's not. It's just saying, hey, make sure this is in place. A lot of that stability comes from you and your husband making

sure y'all are okay. Both your marriage is good. Your mental health is good. Your physical help is good. Y'all are taking care of yourselves and you create a, a platform of stability that starts from top down. Y'all have morning routines. Y'all have got prayer life. Y'all have got, y'all are living into your values. Does that make sense? Yep. Absolutely. Okay. So where do you rank on that? How are y'all? Right now, it's good. And I feel bad saying that sometimes because... Don't ever apologize for that. That's great. It's how life is.

Yeah. It feels peaceful. Awesome. No, we've definitely gone through marriage stuff where it's been rough on it. And we've had to be very vulnerable, very open with each other and really try hard to not let that fall apart. And it's gotten stronger and better. And I have a saint of a husband. And he's got a saint of a wife, right? So that's how those things work together. That's awesome. Okay. So the second thing here is create a life of active participation outside of the screen.

And what I mean by that is y'all may already have this. Okay. Last night, we went out and played this weird game of tag slash wrestling slash all of a sudden my kid, one of my kids turned into a cat in the yard. And now, granted, we've got a big field out in front of our house. And but it was the weirdest game of tag wrestle thing. I don't even know what ended up with us swinging each other around like helicopters. But all I have to say is I hear a lot of parents say, get off the screens, turn that computer off. And then there's no other connective option for their kids.

And so it, unfortunately, and fortunately, it's up to you and dad to create outdoor, indoor, whatever alternatives to those screens, which means I got to put my phone down, which sometimes annoying. I've got a looming book deadline, which I couldn't work on. I couldn't start it until nine o'clock last night. But because I've got to provide them that connection, right? And I can't just dump them off to the neighborhood kids. I've got to be active there. So I think that's something if y'all don't have already, you may already be a super active family. I'll take walks every night after dinner. Y'all kick the soccer ball around, you play catch,

whatever those things are, but that you guys develop a culture that he may be surprised to come home to. A third thing is that he, when he does come home, does not become the house mascot. Okay. He's got to feel like a valued member of the home. And that means with responsibilities and boundaries. And that's one of the hardest things I've experienced with parents when a kid comes home is they want a velvet glove the whole thing, which then it's like putting on velvet gloves and all he needs is touch and boundaries and velvet gloves feel like the right thing to do. Like, I don't want to do the thing that's going to send him back to that thing. And then that reinforces a disconnection that reinforces he's not safe. And then he goes back to the thing. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Or I hear parents do the opposite. They create these crazy rigid boundaries that are insane. And then that sends up. So it's, it's this balancing act. I wish I could tell you here, you know,

that analogy I've used about excavating and rebuilding a new building. Every family new building is going to look different. And you're going to have different architects and different engineers for where you live, what your cultural values are. If you've got spiritual values, it's all going to look different. As much as you can include him in that and hold him responsible for and accountable to his part in that. Does that make sense? But he's got to feel like, I've got a role in this family. As annoying as that is.

No, he's the best brother. Like through all this, he's had a great relationship with his siblings. It's mom and dad that, you know, have the problem. Awesome. But he's a wonderful, he'll go out and play with them. He's great with them. Oh, that's so good. I want you all to start going out and play with them. He's great with them. Oh, that's so good. I want you all to start going out and play with it too.

Yeah. Okay. The number four here is having a safety plan, making sure you've got a plan for who to call, when to call, that the kids know who to call, right? That everybody's on the same page about that. And that he knows the safety plan too. It's not something you hide from him.

And that you get an integrated plan with the school counselor with his psychologist and his psychiatrist i'm sure um from the treatment center like whenever you have an outpatient treatment center he needs to know that all the adults in his life are talking there is no hey don't tell this don't tell that everybody's on the same page here with one goal and that's making sure you're okay and he may may fight that. You guys don't trust me. You know what? No, it's way deeper than that, ma'am. We love you. And when you're now you're playing a long game, he'll get that when he's 25. He won't get that as a 16 year old. There's a reason 16 year olds aren't allowed to buy, aren't allowed to buy alcohol or weed or guns, right? Cause we've all as a society agreed, their heads aren't totally

there. And if you've ever driven with 16 year olds, you? Because we've all as a society agreed, their heads aren't totally there. And if you've ever driven with 16-year-olds, you know that we probably shouldn't be driving. They shouldn't be driving either, right? And then the biggest one at the end is that strange, bizarre, as much as you can get away with, daily skin-on-skin contact with mom and with dad. And the number of dads that I've met with and seen over the years

that have never front-hugged their sons, that don't have a daily high-touch interaction with their sons, is alarming and heartbreaking. Every dad should touch their sons on the face, on the arms, hug their sons every single day of their life. And that's not a non-masculine thing to do. That's not a, no, dude, you have to. It stabilizes their brain chemistry.

And, shockingly, it helps dad dad too but moms need to do that and once once kids get to be 14 15 16 and they got hairy legs and they smell like crap and they're just like you know they just become like hairy mops in the house they're just like oh gross um parents have to lean into that and so what i would love y'all to start saying now on the front end, do it with all of your kids. This is hug time. I've heard stories of parents like lining them up. They line them up and they, nope, I'm touching everybody's face. I'm going to kiss you on the forehead, every one of you. And it's an 18 year old, basically a grown man that's old enough to go to war and, or to get drafted at least and he's like come on mom it's like nope

we're hugging they probably love it well it's a drama thing i had one counselor tell me like well you know you're really taking away their autonomy fair that's fair um and my daughter i'm a little more sensitive to when she says daddy please don't i'm trying to teach her to have autonomy of her young five-year-old body and so i I don't actually, when she says, please don't. But my son has come to crave it. You know what I mean? And he's as masculine and goofball-y as they come, and he craves it. And so what I would tell you guys is change that in your home. Is that something you all do regularly or no?

Better with the younger kids. Okay, there you go. So reintegrate that if i mean again if he comes home he's he needs to be um have autonomy in his body of his body and you can't force yourself like no you will let me you're right but um yeah i don't see that with a lot of kids that they reject it they may like and do how kids roll their eyes. But a morning when he comes stumbling down and then in an evening comes stumbling down, it can be magical. And then he's going to watch you guys.

Do y'all watch, are y'all on your phones a lot? On your iPads a lot? Do y'all work on your computers a lot? Do you watch a lot of TV or movies? There's some of that becomes just environmental and how he picks that stuff up. So one last thing, one last, last thing. I would love for there to be some sort of shared journal that y'all have that you can go by.

It's just a lined journal. It's one of those that looks like a book. It's hardback where y'all can write your feelings, your thoughts back and forth to each other. That this is an ongoing dialogue that y'all are learning to communicate again together. And face-to-face contact can be really hard. It can set off all kinds of trauma alarms in a kid's brain, or it can feel fearful, especially with the power dynamic between a kid and their parents, especially if he has turned you guys into the bad guys for the time being.

That won't last forever, by the way, but right now he may have put you there. So having an ongoing dialogue, and you may get up and he's written nothing, or he may write, y'all suck, or I hate everything, whatever. Him getting to read, I love you guys, and y'all can just pass it back and forth to each other. You write in it and you put it on his bed. He writes in it and drops it off or he throws it on the floor or whatever. Y'all are going in there and picking it up and writing in it. We're so grateful that you're our son. So glad you're here. You are the best little brother, best big brother

we've ever seen. Hey, thanks for, and what you're doing is you're just opening a dialogue and something about writing it is just different. But you'll look back hopefully in five years, 10 years, and you'll have a book here of letters that y'all wrote back and forth to each other. And hopefully that dialogue begins to shift. Y'all are going to have to get some thick skin. So I'd recommend you and your husband go see somebody, make sure y'all have got a pastor or counselor in your life that you trust, that you can lean into. But that would be a way to create an ongoing dialogue back and forth. It doesn't involve screens.

It doesn't involve eye-to-eye contact that he may not be ready for, that y'all may not be ready for, right? But it's just a way to reengage each other. So those are my ideas. Keep this clip, and y'all can work through it as a family. If you've got, I don't know, if you've got kids 11, 12, or older, I think it's smart for them to hear this, to think through. Hey, we're going to love our little brother. He's going to have chores like everybody. He's going to have responsibilities like everybody.

And he's going to keep loving you like everybody. And we're going to start going out and playing outside after dinner every evening or a couple, three or four evenings a week or whatever that looks like. And y'all are going to get to recreate what home looks like for you guys. So take these not as dogma, but as just guiding principles, just a way to think through it. And thank you for asking. Okay, cute, Deloney. You always tell us to excavate.

What does that even mean? We'll be thinking about you, Lynn. Thank you so, so, so much for your call. All right, let's go to Sarah in Kansas City. Sarah, hey, what's going on? Hey, how are you? I am rocking on to the break of dawn. How about you?

Doing good. Awesome. So what's up? Okay, so I wrote it down so I could be direct. So I am one of three sisters. Short story, like we were homeschooled elementary. My dad was a pastor when we were younger. So we grew up in the church. Okay. And right now we're trying to deal with my parents basically was it a good

girl up in the church experience sometimes that means one of two things like it was great or we're dealing with all kinds of family trauma uh yeah not great. It was awful. Okay, so great hemlock. And I don't want to completely put it down. As a good preacher's kid, you're able to loop it around and make it sort of your fault, but they were great. They just hit us with sticks a couple of times a week. It wasn't – okay, good job. Way to go.

So we'll get – that's a whole other call someday, I think. So talk to me about your three sisters and your dealing with your parents. So what's up? So basically, like, especially with COVID, it's just hard to communicate because when we do try to communicate with them, like our concerns,

it comes back, it's the end of days. It's, I get a Bible verse. I get a dream. I get a prophecy. You know what I mean? Sweet. Where it's just, like, and that's kind of how it's always been to a point. Okay.

So it's, like, and just to put it out there, my oldest sister is in healthcare. I mean, both of them are. I'm in the restaurant industry. So we see things like firsthand. Correct. Where they're in a small town. Gotcha. They have no diversity, you know.

So there's just a way that they see what they see on the internet and in their small community. Y'all are seeing things on the front lines. Yeah. And. Like literally my sister is intubating people. Okay. So, there's an experiential component to this. And then there is mom and dad just being mom and dad.

And now they've gone into end times realms. Is that fair? Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. And so, how can I help you? You're asking me what do y'all do? So basically, like my sister tried to like have a good discussion, but it just ends up blowing up.

Of course. And I always just avoid the conflict. Okay. But it's, you know, like, are you supposed to like dive in or do you just dance around it and talk about the weather? Yes. Okay. So the way I deal with these kind of conversations is I wait to be invited in, which I never am, or that's not true.

I am invited in for a living, but with my close friends and family, they know how I think about things, and I know how they think about things. And so the only thing you can do is either A, completely avoid them, draw boundaries and say, I refuse to have this conversation with you. B, or yeah, number two, you can just try to connect. Meaning I know what I'm going to get with this, this and this, and I'm going to still go have a cup of coffee anyway. I'm going to still take mom out for dinner or whatever. Not with the goal of trying to convert anybody or try to win anybody, but just try to be connected. That's it. I mean, you can't change their mind.

They've been this way for their whole life. Yeah. Right? And then you throw in times. That's the college. I mean, you throw that in. I mean, there's nothing you can do to change anybody's mind here. The question you have to have is, is it hurting you to be in their presence? And if it is, you have to make a decision on, on what your boundaries are going to be there, or are you just going to wade into it and love mom and dad and roll your eyes and go about your day?

And I think that's hard. I mean, that's kind of what I was thinking, but it's hard too, because we all live far away. That's right. That's right. You can't just go have coffee or, you know what I mean? It's always a phone call. So it's always, yeah. Yeah. And, and at some point you have to decide if they don't want to talk to you, um, if they don't want to connect with you,

you're going to have to decide to grieve that. Cause that really hurts. And at some point there's still that magical fairyland thinking that they're going to one day go, you know what? We're so your childhood. We're sorry for that. You know what, like, we've got different opinions now.

And we read this article and holy smokes, were we off, right? And at some point, the three sisters, you'll have to come to terms, that's never going to happen. Yeah. And that is a hard, gut-wrenching, tearful realization. And this is another question I have, too, is, so, you know, like, my dad's great, but, like, my mom, she wants more

out of our relationship. You know, but she's very loyal to my dad, so it's kind of like, I feel like she's asking for more. And the hard part here is, she's a grown-up, and she can get more if she wants it. She wants you to give more, not her.

And so she's asking you to carry the bulk of this relationship, and that is an unfair request from a parent to their child. Okay. You can, though, say, I would love to start communicating more. I can't have the COVID conversation anymore. And I love hearing about your faith journey, Mom. I don't want to hear any more about end times. And I think that's a...

We did that this year for my family. And my family is all a bunch of nerds. My family is all way smarter than me. And we're all – you can't imagine. I'm the quiet one at the dinner table, put it that way. And we should tell you how fun and exciting our Thanksgivings and Christmases are. They're hilarious. We laugh.

We get all loud with each other. But there's a bunch of really smart people sitting around our table and um we sent my we sent an email this year no politics and because you know in december and november was right before the election no politics and no covid talk and we just sent that out and everybody in our family abided by it was awesome but we just called it out now i've got really extraordinary parents've got really extraordinary in-laws. I will say that, because I know there are some of my friends who did that. Their parents would be like, you can't tell me what to talk about. But we just said, hey, let's don't do that.

And everybody was great. And so it's just kind of saying, hey, that's going to be our boundary. I don't want my kids listening to us fighting. I don't want all these crazy arguments. I don't want to be scrolling the Internet trying to come up with arguments. Let's just hang out. Right? Let's just go fishing or go for a walk.

Can we just, like, do that? Can we talk about the weather? Can we talk about boyfriends and husbands and weird girlfriends? You know, can we just do that? Tell old stories? Can we play games? And that's what we focused on, and it ended up being really great trips all around. So I need to find more games i mean i don't know what works in your categories is my go-to i don't know yes come up with a

different game y'all can do better than that um we did something as silly and we got grandkids so it makes it easier right but we did something as silly as Zoom charades, which were, oh, my parents were all in. It was a riot, dude. I mean, we laughed so hard watching my parents. They were in separate rooms on different computers doing Zoom. It was a riot. My kids were dying to laugh. All of us were having a blast. We did all kinds of things like that. And another thing, hey, this is a great idea, is to read a book together, All four of you, your sisters and your mom, it's just fiction. There's my wife has a lit like a text list with her mom and some of the cousin of her cousins. And they just read like fiction books and it's a blast. They are loving and everyone recommends something, but it's something that not political, not non, not, you know, it's just like a book, right? It's like a fun book, and they are loving it. And then I'm going to start that with my dad.

So there's all kinds of things like that you can do that's just being creative, saying, how can we connect? Or we're going to all listen to this one CD because, you know, it's 1844 or an old record or whatever, and then we're going to say, we're going to all get on a call and see if we liked it or not. But it's you being creative saying, I'm going to reconnect this way. But I think it starts with you having a boundary saying,

Hey, I want to reconnect with you so much mom, but we're not talking about these things. We're not. It hurts my heart. It hurts your heart. We're going to agree to not do that. So let's start talking about books and music.

I got a great new book. Let's all read it. I'll even buy the first one and mail it out to all three of my sisters and to you. And we'll start there. Right. So, yes, you're getting creative, going that away and lean into it. But it's not your job to carry that friendship and that relationship. She's a grown adult, too. Right. Thank you so, so much for that call. I know there are millions of people going through that challenge. But you can't change her.

You can't heal her. You can't tell her that one thing and she's going to go, oh, yeah. You can just love her. Warts and all. All right. All right. Stay tuned. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show.

All right. Hey, what's up? We're back. Listen, I got – I should listen again. That's $5 to Kelly. You're going to get rich over there. You can buy your new minivan. Haven't seen any of it yet. That's a fair statement. That's a fair statement. I would say I owe you, but I worked for Dave Ramsey, so I can't say that. So I should just, whatever. So I got this direct message on the Instagrams and it says this, Dr. D, my 13 year old daughter will be going back to class in school mid-August. Last year, she was online all year. She's dealing with social anxiety and depression. How can I help her other

than getting a counselor, which she already has? How can I as a mother support her? I feel helpless. She has no friends. Today in her session, she just cried for 15 minutes. When I asked her what happened, she said all I was doing was practicing how to get to know someone. So when I go back to school, I can hang out. But I couldn't do it.

I had a panic attack. Any tips will help. I'm so grateful for this question i'm getting this all over the place listen there will be no easy way back for millions and millions and millions of kids going to school getting out um this idea this is going to be easy is there going to be three steps or five step process there won't be it'll be hard. And now with the, it looks like the Delta variants on, there's other schools talking about going back online just to start the school. It's, we're just going to keep figuring this out. So here's a couple of things that you can do.

And I don't have any notes here. This is just what I'm doing in my house. Okay. So this is coming from my head and my heart, not from some like four tips to lose weight and be a better. Not that this is just what I'm doing in my house. Step number one. You've heard me say this over and over. I'm going to keep going back and keep going back to it. Skin on skin contact with your kids every single day from you. That means you start every day with a hug.

That means you when they get home from school, you hold their hand. You their face you look them in the eyes you tell them that you love them you're glad to see them um you don't just in your rearview mirror when you're driving home go hey how was it fine cool and you just go back you you have to stop you have to bridge that awkward gap between you and your five-year-old you and your 13-year-old you and your five-year-old, you and your 13-year-old, you and your 19-year-old, whatever. Touch their body if they're okay with it. Look them in the eye and say, I'm so glad that you're my kid. I know it's so bananas going back to school and I'm in your corner and I'm so glad. Number two, you guys have to go move your bodies together.

That means you're going to have to go outside and kick a soccer ball around. You're going to have to not just have family movie night. You have to go family walk night. We're going to do this together. If you've got special needs kids, if you've got kids that just want to sit at home, you're going to have to figure that out. That could be as easy as we're just going to go sit on the porch together, and I don't know, we're going to roll a ball back.

I don't know. I'm going to roll a ball back. I don't know. I'm going to make this weird. In that last call I just talked about, we played the strangest game of tag wrestle. One of my kids started acting like a cat and then we ended up swinging each other. I mean, it was just bongo for a while, but we all got sunshine. None of us were in shoes. We got to contact the ground and we all got to laugh and we all got to move our bodies around. I also know that I'm highly privileged living on a couple of acres out in the woods. And if you're living in an apartment downtown somewhere, it's not so easy. I get that. You got to figure it out. You got to get outside and you got to move your body. Even if that's stopping on the way home from picking

your kids up from school or when they get off the bus, y'all go to a local park. I don't care what it is. You got to figure out a couple of days a week, at least getting out and moving your body together. The third thing is as safely as possible. And as often as possible, you got to have other kids around your kid, whether that's a church group, whether that's a,

Hey, we're just going to invite four people over. This is one of those, bring them over to watch a movie and eat garbage. I don't care. They've got to be in proximity to other kids. So if you need to have pizza night and come on overnight, do it, right? If you need to go buy a, we bought this little, it's like 10 bucks on Amazon,

and it stretches out and you attach it, and it's a ping pong table that we just put over our dining room table in the middle of our living room. Like where our dining table is. We're just going to have people over. Like the aesthetics of the living room, I don't care anymore. The kids are in a crisis. And so we're going to play ping pong on our kitchen table and we're going to eat on our front porch. That's what we've been doing.

Does it look great? Nope. Is it going to scratch my table up? Yep, it is. Are my kids going to have memories of us figuring it out along the way? Yes. Are we going to get to smash a ping pong ball at my kids and it makes me feel a little bit better? Yes. Right. But we're going to figure those things out. And it could be puzzles on the middle of the kitchen of the dining room table. It could be,

hey, we're going to play games every night. We're going to these cards that I'm sending out to you guys that are going to be available to buy here in a month or two. Whatever it is. We're going to, these cards that I'm sending out to you guys that are going to be available to buy here in a month or two, whatever it is, we're going to have direct connection with our kids. We're going to have kids at our house if at all possible, or I'm going to have my kid, they're going to be able to go to other people's houses. We can do that safely. If you can't do it safely, then we're going to go to parks. We're going to meet places. We're going to do whatever. And this is what it's going to cut into guys. It's going to cut into our TV watching time. It's going to cut into an hour or two of our sleep. My I'm tracking my sleep really closely. I've got this with this whoop strap thing here.

My sleep is it's getting gnawed off, right? I'm having to make other adjustments. I'm having to work out a little bit different. I'm having to change my diet. I'm having to be highly intentional because I'm getting less sleep because I've got to put more of my focus on connecting with my kids in the mornings and the evenings. And they're fraying at the edges. Not just my kids, all of our kids. And then the fourth thing is, like, I love this. Like, we got a counselor here. What she said is so true.

We're practicing re-entry. It's, this could be one of the great moments in history where we teach our kids that relationships are something you practice. Connection is something you practice. So if you have a kid who's stressed out, practice, hey, what's it going to look like when you go back? Practice being silly. Practice saying, I don't like your dress.

And what is your, what's a good response? Start practicing relationships with your kids. And by the way, those of you going back to work, same thing. Those of you who have been working from home and you're dying on the vine here, and you're going to start going back two days a week or three days a week, and then they're going to come home. You too, because you got to practice relationships too. So this is going to help you at your work environment as well. Your work environment as well. But what your kids need right now is you to lean in and you to figure out ways with, even if it's like, hey, you know what? We're going to start, we're going to play fall soccer this year.

We're not even a soccer family. We're doing it now. We were playing softball or baseball or whatever the thing is. We're having Saturday hike day. Let your yard grow a little bit taller, right? Whatever your thing is, it's time to start getting super creative. Connection outside and making sure you are touching and interacting with your kids on a daily, regular basis. And all that said, it's still going to be hard. Some kids are going to really struggle.

Some kids are going to just zoom right back into this. No pun intended. They're going to get right back into it and they're not going to miss a beat. It's going to be hard for everybody. Be really gracious with yourself, with your kids. Stay connected to their teachers. Make sure you've got a bunch of other adult eyes looking on them if you can. Do the best you can, but lean into connection.

Thank you so much for that Instagram, man. Whew, that's good. All right, as we wrap up today's show, man, the greatest song of all time. Of all time. Hey, before, not to trump what you're going to do, but not to trigger you with a Wilco lyric, but in light of one of the calls, there's a great Wilco song called, what's the name of it? You Never Know.

And it has a line in it, every generation thinks it's the last, thinks it's the end of the world. Ooh. I thought that was a pretty good philosophical line. There's Wilco being philosophical. So what's the line? Every generation thinks it's the end of the world

it's kind of true right every new generation is like oh this is it this is it man this is it but carry on I've got an even better one I think it's I don't know what record it's off of but it's an old classic

it doesn't even matter what record it's off of it's that good it's by Michael Stipe and doesn't even matter what record it's off of. It's that good. It's by Michael Stipe and the guys. R-E-M. The boys. Wrote their classic that I guess Wilco pilfered a line from. It's the end of the world as we know it and it goes something like this. That's great. Starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an airplane. And Lenny Bruce is not afraid. It's Eye of a Hurricane. Listen to yourself churn.

The world serves its own needs. Don't misserve your own needs. Speed it up a notch. Speed, grunt, no strength. The ladder starts to clatter with fear of height, down height. Wire in a fire representing seven games and a government for hire and a combat site left of west and coming in a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. And then team by team, reporters baffled, right? Trump tethered crop.

Whoa, dude, REM calling it back in the day. Crop, look at the low plane, fine then, uh-oh, overflow, population, common food, but it'll do, save yourself, serve yourself, your vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched, right? It's the end of the world as we know it.

It's, it's the end of the world as we know it. We have to sing this. It's the end of the world as we know it. We have to sing this. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. And I feel fine. We literally have the greatest show on radio, on the internets.

Do you all feel fine? I don't feel very fine about my singing on that one, but overall. Your singing was not great, but you got hit by a box today, and you're still fine. And listeners, y'all are fine. YouTube watchers, y'all are fine. And this has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.