The Dr. John Delony Show - A Gamer Husband, Trying to Help our Niece, & My Wife's Self-Esteem

Episode Date: February 12, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode My husband's lifestyle and expectations don't fit our actual life. How do I handle this? My teenage niece is asking for help but her parents are ignoring her. What can I do to help her? Teaching Segment: Addicted to Anxiety My wife has really bad self-esteem and doesn’t see her value. How can I help her? Lyrics of the Day: "Satellite" - Dave Matthews Band tag: marriage, parenting, anger/resentment/bitterness, responsibility, disagreement/conflict, family, anxiety, trauma/PTSD, marriage, relationships These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, what's up? On today's show, we talk to a young woman who has been triangulated into a relationship mess between a 17-year-old and her parents. What can she do? And we talk to a young woman who's married with two little kids and whose husband loves him some video games. And finally, we talk to an awesome young husband who just wants to know, how can I love my wife better? Stay tuned. Hey, what's up, what's up? This is the Dr. John Deloney Show. We're so glad you're here.

I'm glad you're here. I don't know if we are, but I am. This show's about you. It's for you. It's your life. It's your relationships. Your kids. Your boss. All of it. We're all trying to figure out what in the world's going on and how we're going to re-approach life amidst the madness. How we're going to win. How we're going to win. How we're going to lose. How we're going to do all that stuff just together, right? So I'm so glad you're with us.

If you're new to our band of ninjas, here's the deal. We talk about relationships. We talk about relational IQ. We talk about mental health issues. We talk about education, parenting, all that. Everything you can come up with, bring it on, give us a call. My number is 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or you can go to johndeloney.com slash show. You can fill out the form. It goes right to Kelly and she will see if we can have you on the show. So many people

write in from all over from all over the world. Some people have some positive things to say. Some people don't like my jokes. Listen, I think I'm funny. That's just what it comes down to. I think I'm funny. My kids do not. My wife does not.

Most of my friends don't think I'm very funny. I, I think I am. And listen, listen, this is all I got guys. This is it. This is all I have. Let me just have this. And so if I have a joke and I think it's funny, just help a brother out. This could be your contribution to humanity.

You don't give anything to anybody. You're mean on the internets. Just let me have my jokes because I think they're hilarious. Okay. So one of the things that I hate in the world is when I'm listening to a podcast and I feel like I'm in on the ground floor and it's so good and I feel like I'm making a relationship with this person and they're telling me things that I like and I'm trying out new things in my world. They have good people on like for interviews and then comes that dreaded day when they have a commercial, when they try to sell me something. And that drives me crazy. And it makes me think, what kind of loser sucker do you think I am? So I hate that. And we're never going

to do that on this podcast. I'm never going to have a commercial. Okay. So that's my commitment to you guys as listeners. I'm never going to have a commercial. So there, I said it. All right. So while I'm here, I want to talk about my new book. It's called, that was me. I'm just trying to be silly i hate commercials man but this is where i'm at i'm a terrible salesman i just like hey when you said that you think you're real funny is that like an example of what because i thought that was a good transition joke i'm uncomfortable selling stuff here's the thing um we i wrote this little pamphlet it's a quick It's a book. And it's got big font in it. And it really distills all of these misconceptions. They're just straight up lies, man.

All this drama surrounding anxiety. And I put it in a book. And we put it out in the world. I'm not going to lie. I rolled my eyes. I didn't think it was anything earth shattering. It's just stuff I've been ranting and raving about for years. And then it sold tens of thousands more than we thought it would.

And by we, I mean me. They were giving me these numbers and projections and I thought, yeah, whatever. And so I reread it. Here's the thing. It's good. It's good. And now I'm starting to get notes from counselors all over the country saying, hey, we're buying these in blocks. We're buying them

in bulk and we're giving them to our clients as they leave our counseling sessions. And so we've reached a point when I am going to stop being all like shucks about it and be proud about it. It's 10 bucks. Is it on the johndeloney.com page? Yeah? Yeah, go to JohnDeloney.com. You can buy this book for $10. You can buy a whole bunch of them for $10. They're each $10. But anyway, here's the thing. The book helps, man. It really does. Folks have reached out to me from all over the world saying, I didn't know what was going on with my girlfriend. I didn't know what was going on with my wife. I didn't know what was going on with my husband or my boss. I didn't know what was going on with me. And the book helps. And so again, I hate commercials. I didn't know what was going on with my wife. I didn't know what was going on with my husband or my boss. I didn't know what was going on with me. And the book helps.

And so again, I hate commercials. I don't want to be about selling you stuff. But at the end of the day, I want my kids to eat and I'm not going to say something that's crappy. And the book's doing great. And folks are letting us know that they're being helped by it. So pick up a copy for you and all of your friends. And if you're like me, that means you're going to pick up three, right? You're going to pick up three copies. And it's $30, right? That's a couple of cups of coffee at whatever Starbucks you're going to. All right, that's it for the commercials today.

Buy the book. It's awesome. All right, let's go to Ellie in Wasilla. Oh, my goodness. Kelly, help me out. What? Alaska? I just, my brain stopped. I'm sorry. Ellie, I just screwed that up. I was about to say Arkansas, but it's A-R, not A-K, right? Yes, correct. That was a good joke.

Listen, here is John's vulnerable moment of the day. I was a high school geography teacher. If you want to know what's wrong with the Texas education system, this guy right here doesn't even know off the top of his head that AK is Alaska. This is embarrassing. I did not get – I'm going to get – somebody's going to write in and be like, oh, my gosh, where'd you get your doctorates? They weren't in geography. That's no excuse, man.

My son knows this. and be like, oh my gosh, where'd you get your doctorates? They weren't in geography. That's no excuse, man. My son knows this. And so I apologize, Ellie, and to everyone in Alaska and Arkansas. Let's do this, Ellie. How can I help? Hi, thank you so much for taking my call. Thank you for calling me and letting me humiliate myself. What's up?

How can I help? And I think you are funny, so there you go. Yes, I knew it. Thank you, Ellie. You don't even have to go to church this weekend. Yes, I knew it. Thank you, Ellie. You don't even have to go to church this weekend. That was awesome. Appreciate that. Okay, sweet.

Okay, so I'll just shoot with one question. I feel as if my husband's lifestyle and expectations don't meet his actual current life. And I'm not sure how to handle that or encourage him or enlighten him or just, I just got to roll with it. Okay. So I got to, I had a story from high school years and from me, but I don't want to speak into your life. I don't want to just presume to know. So I've got to hear what is the disconnect here. Okay. I have a feeling it's going to be awesome, Ellie. I just do. It's not super dramatic.

I was like, it sounds super dramatic, but it's not. I'm a stay-at-home mom of two. I have a three-year-old and a seven-month-old, and my husband works full-time. And I feel like the disconnect is where, you know, with two little kids, our time is very much devoted to them. And, you know, with us being late or our schedule being interrupted or just like in health, I guess I'm trying to figure out how to exactly, how to pinpoint it. But it's basically like, I feel like

when things don't go the way they should, it's a big deal or I get an eye roll or like, I mean, I don't know. Should I just give an example? That would be awesome. Yeah, because you've lost me here. Now, I've demonstrated I'm not the sharpest tool in the drawer, right? But yeah, I've lost you here.

So help me out. Okay. So I have a husband who games. And one evening, our seven-month-old is hit or miss with sleep. And so I was putting her down i come back upstairs um because she just wasn't going down i was like okay well this is going to be a time where i've got to prioritize my sleep so i've got to get ready for bed as well so it's like you know what i'm just going to have to interrupt his gaming session with his friends

and he's going to have to take over with her while I get ready for bed and then I'll get her right back. Hold on. How dare you stop a video game for someone to be a parent? Are you insane, Ellie? What's going on in this Alaska you live in? Yeah. So you know how it went then. So he was upset that I couldn't have waited 10 more minutes.

Then he said that how, you know, like how could you not wait 10 more minutes, blah, blah, blah. And then I said, you know, it's just a quick minute. You can at least hold her for a little bit. I'm going to get ready for bed and I'll be back. And then, um, I said, um, I'm trying to think he said something anyway. So he said something and I had had enough. I was exhausted. And I said, honestly, babe, I couldn't care less. And he said, I know you don't give a crap except he didn't use crap. And then and then um rolled his eyes and stormed off and was really mad and it just so give me give me another um uh dude to prioritize video games over their family is one of the few things on earth that makes my soul rage. And so give me something else, because I want to love your husband.

I want to love him. Okay, so another thing. Saturdays are usually like our family day, and it took us a long time to establish that and make that important. So it's been a couple years now where we've established that. So then he was saying that he wanted to go take the dogs on a walk. I told him, hey, can we all go as a family? He was like, yeah, let's do that. establish that so then he was saying that he wanted to go take the dogs on a walk um i told him hey can we all go with the family he's like yeah let's do that and then um you know as obviously

it takes it's winter so it takes a while to bundle up kids and all that and it's just like he gets upset that it's taking so long okay and then he says this is retarded um why can't we he's like this is retarded how long it takes until i'm like no what's ridiculous is you know we have two children this is our life now like it's like this is just the way things are this is just a season that we're going through it it just feels like things like that or like like he goes to bed super late and he tries to sleep into the last second i just feel like i'm trying to he goes to bed super late and he tries to sleep in till the last second I just feel like I'm trying to juggle everything on my own and I don't know I just it just sounds like you're you've got three kids at home right yeah it does yeah so um before I go

further I want to let you know um the next time he uses that word to describe somebody, I want you to hit him in the mouth with a closed fist. Okay? Okay. I've spent my career working with folks with all sorts of challenges and disabilities. And so that's not a word I tolerate in my life or in my sphere. And so I want you to hit him in the mouth and say that's from a dude in Tennessee. Okay? Okay.

Don't let anybody use that word in your sphere. Okay. So backing out, there is a clear disconnect between you're not a high school kid anymore who happens to have money and happens to have a home, but you're a dad of two little kids. And then here's what this looks like, right? So I could spend this call beating him up, and I don't want to do that. He's not the only guy on planet Earth. He's not the only mom on planet Earth who has yet to wrap their head around what actually being a dad entails, what actually being a mom entails,

and how that is not a matter of dragging your old life into this new life. Your kids aren't a part of your old life. You've got to build something totally new, right? Uh-huh, yeah. From the floor up. And so the only person in this situation you can control is you, right? You hear me say that all the time.

And what I want you to do is to propose a like a where we go in conversation with him that i would have somebody i don't i don't know if they travel by reindeer i don't know how you would get somebody to come watch your kids but i want you to get somebody to watch your kids and i want you all to go somewhere but you have to have a conversation you've got to have a, I'm struggling with your inability to love us and your inability to prioritize us over your video games and over your precious schedule. And not in a fight way, not in a late at night way. The fact that you can't say, the fact that you have to say the words, I don't care about your video game, and that hurts his feelings, tells me y'all are not on the same page. The good thing here for you is this is not uncommon for folks with young kids. Your body has taken the brunt of this. Your heart, mind, and soul has taken the brunt of this. And so you've been acutely aware of how everything's changed, and he hasn't.

So I want you to bring him along in that conversation. And so you've been acutely aware of how everything's changed and he hasn't. Okay. So I want you to bring him along that conversation. I also want you to recognize in his head, he is putting in a lot of hard work wherever he's going off to work. And that in his head, I'm pulling my end of the bargain here. What we're asking couples to do now is something they've never been asked to do before in the history of the world, which is connect and complete each other and co-parent and co-help and co-whatever with all of these digital distractions. All this is new. And so start from a good place. Here's what I'm worried about. I'm worried about Ellie, you starting to resent him and resentment is the death of a relationship, right?

It's hard to come back from resentment. It's hard to come back from counting. I did this. What have you done? Right? So if you were to sit down and talk to him and say, I am struggling with you not wanting to be here. I'm feeling second class to video games. I'm feeling second class to your precious schedule and I don't want our children to grow up feeling like they're a burden to you just because it takes a long time to put a coat on an 18 month old, right? That's a nightmare putting on clothes on a child, right? What's he going to say? What's his response gonna be

tell me he's a good guy that hasn't thought about it that way and he's gonna hear it he might not be yeah well i mean i think he will have a better understanding if it's like separate from everything else because i think maybe he'll understand the maybe the gravity of it because i've had these conversations but it's been in our home so you know sometimes they're cut short or something like that because a child wakes up but um i think it'll it'll click better and i i think it's i mean he is he is a good guy. It's just, like you said, I just feel like he's having a hard time just accepting the new norm. So let's approach him as though he has a toolkit and he's trying to drywall a house. And all he has in that toolkit is a hammer and a chisel and a screwdriver. And what he desperately needs in that toolkit is some sandpaper and a trowel, right?

And so he's going to need some new tools. That's going to start with you and him learning some new tools on how you talk to one another. So I want you to do this one thing. I want you to ask him, start talking in language. What's your picture for today? Have you heard me talk about that before on the show? No, I don't think so. Okay.

So one of the biggest challenges that I find with relationships with couples is they think in pictures, but they speak in words. And what does that mean? Here's a quick example. You tell him, hey, tonight, honey, we're going to go on a date. And you flutter your eyes and you just say, and it's going to be hot. And he goes awesome. So all day, he's just in his head, just going like hot date, hot date, hot date. What is she going to be wearing for how long?

Not very long. This thing's going to end. What hotel are we going to end up staying at? Right. And in your mind, you know, that the, that the Alaskan taco barn, please tell me they sell tacos in Alaska. The Alaska taco barn is having jalapeno taco night for three for a dollar, and you are going to have six of them, and you're going to have super gassed. You're going to be in bed by 10 o'clock, right? And so he loves tacos too, and you love rendezvous dates, but you both

use the word date, and you both had a different picture, and so you pass each other, and then you both end up upset at the other one, and it goes into this dance. Oh my gosh, how can we never end up fill in the blank, and why is he never satisfied? And all of it because you use the same words and not the same picture. So, what me and my wife do every single day, and we've had to practice this for years, is we ask one another, hey, what's your picture of today look like? And that way, he can say, hey, this is a really busy day, and I really want to connect with my buddies tonight. And since we live in Alaska, which is essentially Mars, we connect playing that silly, silly video

game. And I know it's lame, but that's how we connect with one another. And it's Monday nights, and we do it every Monday night. And then you will know I'm going to have to lean into the Monday night thing. And on the back end of that, you're going to say Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. So I can limit the dates? Well, what you want to do is invite him. No, I mean limit the days that he plays video games. Like, I can actually say that.

Well, here's what's happening. Video games has become a drink. It's become somebody, another woman he's texting on his phone. It's become cocaine. It's become extra work. It's becoming a way he distracts himself from the yelling and screaming and chaos that is a life with kids, right? And going on a walk clears your head. Going on a walk with a little kid does not. It makes it worse, right? And I deal with the same thing. When my daughter, I'm walking out the door, I'm going to go ride my bike and

she says, can I go on a bike ride with you? I instantly know there's no exercise going to happen here. I'm going to go one quarter of the length and she's going to be yelling and want to carry her home, and I'm going to have to ride home with her and a bike in my hand. You know what I'm saying? So it all changes, and there's a spirit of flexibility that goes with that, but that comes after. That's a tool. That's something you learn. It's something you step up and do that starts with, hey, what's our picture for this week look like? How are we going to be here together?

I love the fact you want to connect with your buddies. And if it's as goofy as playing video games, go get them, right? Go get it. But I need you on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday to be fully present here. And that's when you're able to say, my week looks like about Tuesday or Wednesday, I'm ready to set my whole house on fire. And I really need you to come home and lean into the kids. And come Thursday, Friday, right?

So that's when you start having those conversations. What does the picture of this week look like? And if you can change that, I don't know a lot of folks. That's not true. I know many. But often folks will lean into it because it's just been a matter of they screwed up the language. They just screwed their language up. And I want to approach your husband as though he's a great guy who just doesn't have the right tools and he can learn this stuff.

And that comes with having a conversation that you're going to lean in together. And you'd be vulnerable too, by the way, you'd be vulnerable too. You've got to learn to speak your mind and he's got to learn to hear it. And both people have some growing to do. But I got to know, man, if he comes back and he's like, no, no way, lady. Ellie, I play video games. I'm a gamer. It's on, right? Then you're going to have another problem. Call me back.

And I'd love to have that conversation. I love talking to some gamers, man. I actually thought this call, and now I'm not talking to you anymore, Ellie, but I'm talking to James and Kelly. I thought this call back in high school, I used to dress like I was a metal guy like I was so hard I'd like let my hair grow and I didn't bathe and I was like yeah yeah cool metal and then my dad one day was like you're like a super poser John I was like no I'm not and he's like you don't do drugs you don't do this or this or this like you're not that cool man and it was so

deflating but so true i just remember being like so i thought she was gonna tell me he's like dressed up in biker gear or something but he wasn't a biker but no he's just a gaming dad so all right let's go to michelle in pensacola florida michelle what's up hey dr deloney thank you so much for taking my call. Thank you for calling. How are you? I'm doing great. I'm just looking for some advice. All right, bring it on. Let's do it.

All right. So my husband and I are currently in a family while my husband completes military training. Okay. Our family that we're staying with, they have a 17-year-old daughter who has come to both me and my husband with, she's telling us that she's got some depression and that she needs help. However, one parent is indifferent about the situation while the other seems to be resistant because we're being told that she finds it embarrassing that her daughter needs help. So my husband and I, we don't know what to do because,

you know, daughter's underage. We're staying with family. They're, you know, gracious for letting us stay in their home. And we don't know what to do without crossing the line, but making sure that we get this girl help. Yeah. Yikes, man. Talk about not by your hand, but in your lap. So when she comes to you and says she's got depression walk me through that and what i'm getting at is on number one overarching everything i'll make sure she's safe she's not gonna hurt herself she is not in a abusive situation so when she says i'm not um i've got depression i need help what does she mean by that so she's she's seeking help in from a therapist or that's the main thing that it seems like that she's wanting.

However, she has told my husband and I that she's had thoughts of doing something just to get herself committed so that she could do or could get help. We both feel that she is not going to do anything to herself just because we've made ourselves there for her and she comes to us to talk when she's having really bad days. But it's gotten to the point where she has mentioned doing something just to get herself the help that she's needing because her parents aren't signing off on, you know, any type of therapy or anything like that. And walk me back to the conversation you've had. Is this your family or your husband's family? My husband's family. Okay.

So walk me back to a conversation you've had with one of the family members that said, I'm just embarrassed. The embarrassment side of it is coming from, this is what the daughter is telling us um there has like there was actually an incident today where i know that the daughter had to somebody her mom was there and her mom refuses to let her talk to somebody alone her mom makes sure that she is there um but once they all got home i know that the parents were arguing. And I don't know what about, but there's definitely some conflict there. So that's kind of, you know, we're hearing one thing from the daughter, kind of seeing something going on on the other side, but we don't know how to approach it with the parents either. So this is a pretty clear-cut moment, and this is a moment when you're going to get to do a lot of good with some very simple actions. Okay. So, as grown up as 17 feels and is articulate and smart and on top of things as a 17

year old can be, I've worked with 17 year olds my whole career. They're children. They're kids. Okay. And so how they experience and feel things is not always accurate. And in fact, sometimes it can be way distorted between what they're feeling and experiencing and hearing and reality. And what it doesn't appear at the outset that she has had is a place where she could sit down and be safe with somebody and tell them, hey, I need some support and help. And so what you're going to do is model for her what that looks like, and you and or your husband are going to let her know that you're going to help her get help, but that help starts with her parents and you are going to have a sit down conversation with her parents about your concerns about her mental health, about her suggesting that she might hurt herself just to get some support and care and that you are going to leave it up to mom and dad to lean in and get some help, but that if, um, but you will be happy to help along the way. And if mom and dad don't get help,

then you're going to make that call to her school and the school is going to lean in and get her the support that she needs. Okay. You've been triangulated into a mess is what's happened. Okay. And you are probably cool and you are probably beautiful and you are probably hip and this 17 year old looks up to you and thinks your husband is cool because he's an army guy now. And y'all are probably showing her more attention than she's been shown in a long time.

And she has dragged you guys into a mess of a triangle, if you will, between her and her parents. And what you have to do is to break that triangle immediately, get out of that mess. She's asked for help. I'm going to get it, and that help starts with mom and dad. And if mom and dad are part of the problem, then you call the school, and the school will lean in and get her the support and care that she needs, whether it's with a school psychologist or counselor, whether it's calling in a school social worker if there's abuse or things like that going on. But you need to signal, I'm going to model what an adult does.

An adult gets professionals involved. Adult gets a parent involved. And an adult does not get dragged underwater by a 17-year-old. Okay? Mm-hmm. And what that will do is that will free you up. She might get mad at you. She might think, oh, my gosh, you ratted on me.

I hate you. I can't believe you. And then she will at some point come around to understand that you cared about her more than anybody else did at this moment in her life. And she will love you for the rest of her life for caring for her. Okay? Okay. But more deep conversations and deep conversations with late teens are the best and the worst. They feel so good because they're so rich and they feel so empowering

to both of you because you feel so good that someone's trusting you with all this stuff. And she feels so good that an adult is hearing her and you got to get her with professionals and with their parents. That's just the way that is. So go for that. I'm interested in how that conversation goes with mom and dad. So give me a shout back. I'd love to hear how it goes. And by the way, we are getting folks who are sitting in emails letting us know how things go. And I'll be rolling some of those out as we move the show on in the next couple of weeks. Some of them are fascinating. Some of them are great.

Actually, all of them have been great. No one's called me and been like, you screwed my family up. I'm sure I'll get that at some point, but not yet. All right. So really quick, I get a lot of questions about a comment I made once about being addicted to anxiety, about being addicted to stress. And there's a biochemical addiction here. There's a default setting here. I was recently coaching a couple and I had them do this. Here's what I mean when I say addicted to anxiety. When you are anxious, when that part of your brain kicks off your fight or flight or freeze response, it floods your body with all

sorts of chemicals, all sorts of hormones. And the most common one we hear is adrenaline. We hear cortisol. Those things rev you up, right? They get you ready to take off sprinting. They get you ready to fight. And I am simplifying this as simple as we can here, right? And sometimes they just lock your body up. You just straight freeze. There are seasons where when you start to get well, when you go take medication and that just shuts that alarm system off, or you start sleeping and you start getting a group of people you can interact with. Most people think if I just take away the anxiety alarms, I'm going to be well. And the reality is you end up being hollow. There ends up being nothing there. And what we will, you have to learn new behaviors, right?

New ways of handling, because bears are always going to show up. There's always going to be tigers walking into your life. Then you've got to start finding positive ways to deal with some of this stuff. And some of it is recognition. Some of it's information. Some of it's blowing it off. Some of it's, now I got people I can call, whatever it looks like. But when you grow up with a steady stream of these hormones running through your body, these chemicals running through your body, coursing through you all the time, when they're off, you begin to feel a little bit amiss. Something's not right.

Something is going to get me at any moment. And what we end up doing is creating situations where our bodies can get their chemical fix, where we will put ourselves in situations or create chaos or not give ourselves like a clean room or a clean truck or drive the speed limit. We'll do these things that are small. They look so inconsequential, but they continue pumping those stress hormones through our body. And over time, you get addicted to anxiety. You get addicted to that stress. We all know folks who, when things are going well, they just start creating chaos. And some folks thrive in it. When things get messy, this is the story of my life. When things get bananas, right? I'm in an active

shooter situation. I am in dealing with a massive crisis. For some reason, everything slows down. It slows way down. I get real calm. I get real rational. I get real responsive really quick. It's the nights when things are going well, my marriage is good, my kids are doing well, that I have one weird thought or I'll see one weird thing while scrolling on the stupid internets and then bam, my head locks into it, starts spinning, starts coursing that stuff through my veins and now I'm up and at them and now I'm not going to eat and I'm not going to sleep and I start spinning and spinning and spinning and there's something familiar about it. There's something, yep, there it is. That's

the real me. And what we have to do is break that addiction to anxiety. So when you start working towards turning those anxiety alarms off, when you start sleeping, being intentional about sleep and eating well and getting a community and moving your body and finding work that has purpose to it that matters to you. When you start doing those things, the alarms start going off. And then that's when you start practicing gratitude. That's when you start practicing looking for beauty, start practicing laughter, start practicing joy, start practicing discipline. And suddenly over time, those become your default settings. Now it feels weird when I wake up, if I don't go exercise, I feel off all day because my body is used to that. It used to wake up and look for

things that were on fire. It doesn't do that anymore. Now it looks for, I got to go move. Now it looks for, hey, let's go have a meditation time. It starts looking for those things that are going to be positive, right? So, look in your body. I was just saying a second ago, I was working with a couple this weekend and what I had them do is say something vulnerable to each other. They had to say the following, I'm being vulnerable here and here's something you don't know that I love about you. And they had to say that to the other person. And then they had to say, I'm being vulnerable. And here's something about you that I don't like, and you don't know it. And they had to say that.

And so as they started to speak it, what I would do is tell them to freeze. And then I looked at the recipient of the thing that they didn't like. And I'd say, what's going on right now in your body? And one of them said, my heart's racing. Like, and I could feel it in my hands. Like, she's about to tell me something that it's going to hurt. And then the other person said, like, my stomach just dropped while they were waiting for it.

And what I'm trying to get them to do is to identify that feeling because that ends up being our default feeling. And if we don't have that feeling, then we don't feel like we're in control. Once you identify that feeling, then you can start leaning out of the addiction to anxiety and start coming up with some better responsive behaviors. And if their anxiety alarms are called for, I hope they go off. If an actual tiger shows up, they should go off, right? If we have people storming the Capitol, if we have cities on fire, if we have whatever, hurricanes, whatever, your anxiety alarm should go off, right? But you don't want them to, you don't get addicted to it. All right, so let's take one more call. Let's go to Sean in Boise, Idaho. See, I knew that one,

guys. I knew Idaho. Sean, I had a screw-up earlier, so I'm back, though. I'm back in action. So what's up, brother? How can I help? Okay, hi. Yeah, thank you so much for taking my call. Thanks for calling, man. Yeah, so I was calling because my wife has very low self-esteem,

and I'm just trying to figure out a way that I could help her see her value more. Man, that's an awesome question. That's an awesome question. So walk me through it. Give me an example of what this looks like. Have you tried to help in the past? Talk me through it. Yeah, so she's always having negative thoughts about herself.

She says things like she doesn't think people care about her because she's not worth it. She says she's afraid that I'm going to find someone else that's better than her. I'm going to leave her. Where does that come from, Sean? I don't know. Like, did she get that from her mom she get that from her dad she get that from some high school boyfriend where does that negative self-talk come from where did she learn that um probably from her parents um that i think she has what you refer to as a neglect trauma okay um her dad was very um uh controlling and had a bad temper and her mom she couldn't go to her for anything because she her mom couldn't handle anything emotionally so so she got messaging both affirmatively and neglectfully that she didn't really matter.

Yeah. She wasn't very important. She was in the way, and mom can't even deal with you. Dad's annoyed by you. Dad's angered by you. And so your value is little to none, right? Yes. Okay.

Yeah, I think everything leads back to that. Okay. So then, Sexy Sean shows up on the scene. That was a straight-up rap lyric right there. That was some alliteration if I've seen it. Sexy Sean shows up on the scene. Y'all fall in love,

you get married, and then what? So, yeah, so we've been married for, well well i've known her for 15 years okay we've been married for 12 and um has this been an arc of your entire relationship um yeah it seems like yeah from the very beginning, she kind of didn't understand why I would like her. Okay. Because she thought that she was not good enough.

Yeah. What do you tell her when she says things like that? I try to tell her that it's not true, that she says things like that I don't love her, but I try to tell her how I actually feel. I try to, sometimes I just try to hold her or hug her and show her other kinds of, like, give her gifts sometimes. And, and we,

sometimes she feels okay, uh, for a moment. She believes in for a moment. And then, um, a few days later, she goes back to the,

to the negative thinking. Okay. Has she, um, been in and out of therapy for 14 years or 15 years? Um, no, she hasn't really been in therapy at all. Okay.

So my guess is this, that there's a lot here. I will give you a one particular scenario that may or may not be right, but it may be not entirely accurate, but I think I'm pretty darn close. Okay? You ready? Yeah. There were two people, if it all goes down, the apocalypse is upon us,

there are two people who are supposed to hold your hand and put their hand on your face and tell you that I love you and I am in this with you until it's all over. And that's the mom and dad of a precious little girl. Yes. their house but in their imaginary house apocalypse it all came down and one parent said i can't even deal with you and the other parent raised his voice and or his hands and said this is because of you and imprinted on this young beautiful little girl at a young age was you are in the freaking way by the two people who when it all when all the smoke cleared, should still be standing by her. They let her know, the smoke's your fault.

And so, at an early age, she took on an identity of a burden. She took on identity of somebody who is unlovable. And that's how she keeps control in her world. Okay? Over time, this is how she keeps herself from getting hurt. This is how she controls you. So instead of saying, hey, I really just want to hug tonight. Can we just have a night of hugging? Instead of affirmatively asking for it, because she may have done that as a kid.

And mom said, I can't deal with you. So instead of doing that, the way she gets her hugs is by saying, nobody loves me. I don't even know why you love me. Why don't you just leave? You're going to leave anyway. And then you come and hug her, right? So she gets what she wants, but in the process, she's drowning you, right? Right.

So I'm going to say this. She's going to have to choose that she wants a different identity. One that is not, in the nerd world, we call it the one down position, where she maintains control over your entire house underneath the boat by saying, she's just controlling the boat from underneath it by saying, nobody loves me. And then everyone's got to stop what they're doing and respond to her, right? And what she's going to have to decide to do is she doesn't like being in the water anymore. She wants to be on top of the boat. She wants to be on the land. She wants to be in a really nice home with the people who love her and that she's worth being loved. And her voice is going to matter. And she's going to be able to say, hey, Sean, tonight's hug night. And I don't want you to do anything but focus on me, because I'm awesome. And you're going to be like, sweet, I'm sexy Sean, on the scene, and you're going to show up, right? So it's twofold. Number one, she's going to have to decide that after a lifetime of running. Sometimes, often, folks need professional help there to help them make that transition from you are worthless

to your parents sucked and you are of value here's a guy who has dedicated his life to you and y'all gonna learn new ways of communicating to one another does that make sense yeah so sean what i want you to do is i want you to lead the way, and I want you to let her know that you are going to start seeing a counselor there in Boise, Idaho. And I want you to let her know that you love her so much. You're going to learn. You're going to invest in learning some new skills, some new ways that you can teach her how valuable and how much you love her. And you want to grow as a guy who is in love with a young lady. And I want you to encourage her to go with you. She probably won't, or she may say something like, oh, because you think I'm screwed up and broken too. And your answer to that will be no, no, no, no. I want you to see the same beautiful, wonderful, lovely young lady that I see.

And I'm right because you are beautiful and lovely and wonderful and you don't see it. And so I would love for you to go with me and we're going to learn some new skills so that you can see her too. And I can learn new skills on how to love her even deeper and better than I already do. Unfortunately, you're not going to be able to force her to do this. And sometimes your action is going to even actually make it worse. Oh, you're going to therapy. That must mean that, like fill in the blank.

At the end of the day, she's going to have to decide that she's worth being well. She's going to have to decide that she is worth being loved. And man, something about being truly connected with somebody else in a loving relationship starts a healing process. Then you can start practicing new skills. Then you can start approaching the world head high, face first, instead of butt first, right? With negativity, negativity, you don't love me, you don't want me, everything's bad, everything's gray. And it starts with that decision. You can't control that. You can't control you, brother.

So I want to applaud you for being a husband who wants to help. The way you can help right now is leading by example. The way you can help right now is by inviting her, not forcing, manipulating or anything. You can invite her in and then you start the healing process for yourself. Because yeah, here's the other part. You've been told for 14 years or 13 years that the way you love isn't enough. And so whether you know it or not, Sean, you've got trauma too, brother. And so I want you to go and start getting well too. I want you to start your own healing journey. And again, invite her, invite her, invite her. We need more guys like you, Sean. I appreciate you, man. All right, so as I wrap up today's show, let's do this one.

I got a couple today. You know what? I'm going to go with this one. And to all my cool metal friends out there, all my punk rock dudes, I love this Minor Threat song, dude. We can listen to some Bad Brains. Nope.

We're going to listen to some Slayer, Pantera. Nope. We're going all the way back to 1995 to a guy with acoustic guitar a drummer saxophone player a violinist and a bass player that listened to nirvana the guy was so sure of himself he just named the whole band after his first and last name Dave Matthews Under the table and dreaming The song Satellite goes like this Satellite in my eyes Like a diamond in the sky

How I wonder Satellite strung from the moon And the world your balloon Peeping Tom for the mother station Winter's cold spring races And the calm away by the storm is chasing. Everything good needs replacing. Look up, look down, look all around. Hey, satellite, who's the king of your satellite castle?

Dave Matthews dropping poetry on the Dr. John Deloney Show.