The Dr. John Delony Show - A Life-changing Car Accident, a Dull Sex Life, & a Panhandling Mom

Episode Date: February 26, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode My son was in a car accident in the fall. His hand was crushed and his career as a diesel mechanic is done. He is struggling, how can I help him? After 22 years of marriage, our sex life is not very good. How do I convince my husband to see a sex therapist with me? I asked my brother if he would be my power of attorney if something happens to me. He said he doesn't want that responsibility. What should I do?   My mom has been seen panhandling. It’s very embarrassing. How do I talk about this with her? Lyrics of the Day: "Terry's Song" - Bruce Springsteen tags: workplace/career, sickness/illness, grief, sexuality/intimacy, marriage, counseling/therapy, family, money These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a woman whose son was in a terrible accident and the whole family's wrestling with what to do next. Talk to a woman who's been married for 20 years and she's struggling with a dull sex life. And we talk to a guy who found out his mom has been panhandling and he doesn't know what to do next. For sure, this is an earmuffs show for the little ones. And seriously, don't have your kids in the show probably ever. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? What's up? This is Deloney with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Take your calls about your life. Everything that's going on these days, your mental health, your relational IQ,

education concerns, parenting, loss, love, laughter, all of it. Anything and everything that's going on in your heart and mind, give us a shout. Man, we are walking alongside you. You can watch this show on YouTube at YouTube slash John Deloney. You can listen to it here on this podcast. I think that's the only two

places you can get it. You can imagine it in your mind. There's a couple things here we've got to do. First, 844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Listen, hey, switch to the overhead camera.

Real quick, James was making fun of me. He said I look like a lumberjack today. And I want everyone to see that he's got blue plaid on like he's some kind of fisherman. Hey, blue is sophisticated. Red is just like I just got done cutting down a bunch of trees. Just drinking the haterade, dude. I think my – if anybody owns a chainsaw company and wants to invest in this show, I'm your podcast guy. This is going to be mental health and chainsaw advice, effective immediately, and trees.

And maybe you could cook us some flapjacks. I don't even know what that means. I don't even know what cooking flapjacks means. But hey, give me a call, 1-844-693-3291 for your mental health. Tree needs your lumberjacking and flapjack cooking. This is the worst podcast

on all platforms. Listen, it's terrible. But keep us going. Or go to johndeloney.com slash show. You can fill out the form and check it out. Hey, today I want to dedicate this show to two important people. One is first to my good friend, Jean-Noel Thompson.

His mom, Josette Maurice Thompson, passed away last week. A remarkable woman whose mission in life, get this, was to adopt the unadoptable. If the world said, hey, we don't want them, man, Josette and her husband said, I'm in. She adopted over the course of her adult life. She adopted 16 kids. She fostered 30 to 40 more. Her mission was to love, love, love some more. She's telling stories about the sounds of Nazi boots pounding through her childhood home. She grew up in France. She's seen a lot.

And because of her love and her husband's love, get how love works. Because of her and her husband's love and commitment to the least of these, my good friend and mentor, Jean-Noel, and his twin brother were adopted. He found a home, saw what love looked like, met his wife, Tanya, and years later, they became a mentor to me as a dad, as a professional, as a husband. They were who I called when my wife went into labor the first time. Because of Josette, Maurice Thompson, so was Jean-Noel and Tanya. And because of Jean-Noel

and Tanya, so is John Deloney and Sheila and Hank and Josephine. The ripple effect of love goes on and on and on. It's a beautiful story. We mourn her passing. She lived an extraordinary life. I'd also like to shout out my great aunt Joy, who also passed away this past week at the age of 93. She was born between the Great War, saw the Great Depression, the Dust Bowl, World War II, Cold War, my family. She was an extraordinary, brilliant, talented woman of fun, wisecracking. All of my smart aleckness, that's not true, half of it comes from her. She was the spirit of my mom's side of the family. Here's the thing, both of these trailblazing women, they won life.

They lived to an old age. They navigated the craziness in this world. They slid into home with no tread left on the tires, which is exactly the way we should all hope to go. So thank you to these two extraordinary women, one I never even met and one I knew intimately well. Thank you so much for who you were and what you've been to all of us. So, all right, let's go straight to the phones today. We're going to turn the show around. We're going to turn the show around. We're going to go from flapjacks to actually helping other people. Let's go to Connie in Houston, Texas. Connie, what's going on? My hometown. How are you? I'm doing well, Dr. John.

Thank you for taking my call. Thank you for calling. Yeah, my 21-year-old son had a terrible car accident last fall, and basically it crushed his left arm. He is floundering. He does not know what he's going to do for a vocation. His hobbies, his identity, his everything is based on two arms. And we're still in the mix of surgeries. I mean, he just had surgery this morning, actually, another one. So I don't know how to help him. So what was he doing as a profession?

Just finished school to be a mechanic. Oh, man. And that's all he ever wanted to do. And has he lost all function in this hand and this arm? Essentially, they're doing just a, what do they call it, a salvage, where he won't be able to move his elbow all the way and he's still waiting for his nerves. His wrist doesn't work properly yet. That's a whole other set of surgeries coming up.

They saved his arm, but it doesn't look the same. He lifted weights for three hours a day before this. It's never going to be the same. It's never going to be the same. It's never going to work the same. And he just, I mean, that was his everything. So I just, I worry about him and trying to figure out how to help him. So let's start with you. You've said the word never several times. This has affected you too in a really an existential way. Walk me through how you've been

feeling the last few months. Don't make me cry, Dr. John. Hey, you called me, dude. You called me. I know. Walk me through it. How are you? I'm fine until I start talking about it. I miss my son. Yeah. I miss my son.

Yeah. I miss his presence. He's a big guy, and he's lost 35 pounds. He's not emaciated, but he's thin, and he's tall, and he was all muscle before, and he doesn't walk straight anymore. He, you know, he just just he used to laugh a lot more he doesn't he laughs once in a while but he doesn't laugh as much as he used to he just um

he just isn't the same person so it makes me sad yeah are you the same person no absolutely not i'm not the same person but it, absolutely not. I'm not the same person, but it's not. Where'd you go? Who are you now? I have to put my fixer hat back on. I am a fixer. I've been through a lot of crap over the years. My husband died seven years ago, which did not help his son.

I've had breast cancer i've um i'm a widow yeah like i said before um i am a fixer i will get through this it doesn't it doesn't ultimately affect my life my job is to fix him up and send him back this happened out of state and he's back with me now. And we get along fine. That's not an issue. But I'm trying to help him. He doesn't even know what he doesn't know yet. Right. Or what he does know yet. I mean, we're still, you know, to a 21-year-old, this, what, three and a half months is a drop in the bucket for his life.

But to him, it's his whole life right now. He just wants his life back. Right. How honest do you want me to be with you? Be honest. I can be real honest with you, and I can give you some tips. Be honest with me. I make him mad sometimes because I'm an optimist

and I say things that, he's like, Mom, you don't know that. You don't know if it's going to be better. And I said, but you don't know that it is going to be as horrible as they say it's going to be. Like, they don't know because they don't see this walk in the door every day. This is a very weird, surgeons are brilliant,

but it's up to him for a lot of this too, about how much he gets back and doesn't get back and luck. It's just all of that. But I keep telling him he can do whatever he wants to do. I think you are a, you desperately, desperately want to be an optimist. And I think you say the right things and you can become that as you can reach into your tools bag of fix it for everyone around me. And one of the tools is light in the room and you know how to turn that tool on

but i think this has rocked you from the inside out and i think you are as scared and nervous and heartbroken about his future probably more so than he is you are right he's 21 he's a teenager basically right um and here's the thing you can't fix him right right i can't fix him you can't and there's no worse feeling for a parent in the whole world than to watch someone that you love hurt and you've done this before and you couldn't fix that one either, right? Right. And some people respond to that level of powerlessness by letting go of everything and others say that will never happen again. And they clamp down even tighter and tighter. And then a second thing like this can rattle somebody to their core, right?

Mm-hmm. Were you involved in this wreck in any way? No. Did you raise a good young man as a single mom? Yes. Oh, yes. Does he love his wife? He's single.

Oh, he's single. Okay, I thought you said he had a wife. Okay. No. Is he somebody that you're proud of? Yes. Like, not just like i'll pretend but are you proud of the man he's turning into yes i am okay then i want you to know that you did your best and that you did good the most gracious thing you could give him right now is a couple of honest, truthful responses.

You can let him know, hey, I'm heartbroken for you as your mom. And I'm not going to tell you everything's going to be okay. It's going to be, but it's going to be different. Some of the words you used when you first called was, he's never going to be the same. He's never going to be the same he's never going to get it back he doesn't look the same and that this is all going to be this way and man he just wants to get his life back he wants to get this back we just want to get i want him to get his body back and here's the thing it's not going to come back it's going to be different right and it can be a different kind of good and it can be a different kind of awesome and a different kind of could never and it can be a different kind of awesome, and a different kind of couldn't ever have imagined it, but it's not going to be that. Right. face so that he doesn't hurt you and you're all going to get into this weird dance of making sure the other person's always okay and nobody's ever telling each other the truth that hey this really

sucks and this is scary and this is not the rest of your life but it kind of is the rest of your life you know all that that pattern right and so i hate this for you as it comes to him you nailed it man you know exactly he's lost multiple identities, right? The identity that sucks for men is that you're only worth what you can achieve and you're only worth what you accomplish through your big muscles. And he's a weightlifter and he's a mechanic and he's an able-bodied person and, and, and, right? So that part for the time being is squashed. Beneath those things are the more important virtuous traits. Somebody who gets back up.

Somebody who gets back in the ring. Somebody who does the grinding, grueling everyday of rehab even without knowing if this is going to work or not. Someone who endures yet another surgery, somebody who is still kind and respectful and begins to say, okay, cool. Life dealt me two twos and a three, not a great hand. So I'm going to have to figure out another way to play. And that's going to come if you really lean in to encourage him to grief, a massive grief process, don't compare and put him on a timeline. Don't force him to be joyful and optimistic, but put boundaries on him that say, yeah,

you're allowed to be sad. And your butt's at my house, so I'm going to expect you to get up and take the trash out. You can carry that with one arm. That's a giant arm, right? And your butt's going to make breakfast too, right? Yes. I don't know if this is an appropriate place for this.

It is what it is. We're already into it. So my best friend on planet Earth was my oldest friend that I've ever met, that I've ever known since we were zero, after college was in a life-altering car wreck. And I'll never forget, he has very little use of all of his arms and legs anymore. He's still close. We still keep in contact on a regular basis. And he's one of the most heroic, extraordinary people I've ever met.

And his little brother and another neighborhood friend of ours are still friends to this day. And I'll never forget the conversation that the three of us had around pancakes while he was still in the hospital. And we said, what do we do now? And we decided we're going to continue to treat him like somebody that we love, which means we're going to still pick on him. We're still going to give him a hard time. We're still going to have high expectations for him. We're still going to love him. And if he's got to go to the bathroom,

we're going to help out. And we're going to invite him to the concerts. And we're going to help him with his wheelchair too. Does that make sense? It became everything. It became all of it, all at the same time. And it just became a new,

different life. And I know he wouldn't trade anything to go back to be able to run and be free and play pickup basketball. I don't make any illusions about that. But I do know that all of his heart, his family's hearts, all of our hearts have grown because we said we're still going to have high expectations for you. We're still going to treat people with dignity, with kindness, with love. We are going to continue to default to you. We're going to continue to support you, right? So when I tell you that, you've been through heavy, heavy loss before. Tell me how that, how is it going to be different this time?

Well, before, it was, I don't want to say just mental mental but it was just mental we went through some stuff let me tell you he's my youngest and we went through a lot of stuff and i think some of that's still there for him um that's part i think that's part of the issue too. This is physical though. This is mental and physical. It's spiritual. It's who am I, right? It's who am I. Yes, who am I?

If I'm not muscles and I'm not a mechanic and I'm not the big strong guy my mom needs, who am I? And for you, if yet another person I love got hurt, God Almighty, who am I, right? And you are a resilient, strong, smart, loving mom who is, I think, ready to go one step below where you've been, which is pretending, which is trying to prop him up, which is saying, hey, it's all going to be okay. You're going to keep working hard and you're going to keep...

Maybe not. Maybe not. Maybe you're not going to be a mechanic anymore. You're still going to be a person of character. You're still going to be my boy. You're still going to be worth being loved. And're still going to be a person of character. You're still going to be my boy. You're still going to be worth being loved. And we're going to figure out what's next, right? I'm still going to have boundaries.

You're not going to be ugly in my house, right? You're not going to be ugly in my house. But we're going to laugh. I'm going to give you a hard time. And my oldest friend on planet Earth, he still can't run. He's still wheelchair-bound. He will be for the rest of his life,

but I still love him. He still accomplished a lot and encouraged a lot, a lot of people. He still brings me joy and makes me laugh and makes me frustrated and makes me angry when he sends me stupid political stuff. He still makes me cry. And I named my kid after him. I named my son after him.

And so his legacy will continue on and continue on and continue on. And I tell you that to tell you this. What your son needs is all of you. Not pretend you. not almost you, not the one that wants to fix but knows deep down you can't. He wants you. He needs you. And now on the hard days, he's going to really need you. On the easy days, he's going to need you. He's going to need to learn boundaries. He's going to need to dig deep and find himself. He's probably going to need a professional counselor. You know that. You might benefit from one as well. But this won't define him if people around him

tell him the truth. If people give him space to grieve, whatever that looks like, and doesn't compress and put weird time limits on it. And like, you should be picking it up by now, but also holds him accountable. Says you do got to go to work. You're going to learn a new skill. And he is blessed to have you as a mom. He's blessed, blessed to have you as a mom, Connie. I want you to keep us apprised of how he's getting better. I want you to let us know how things are going. And as he continues to grow, I'd love to have him call the show. I'd love this to have a chat with him, man. He sounds like an awesome guy. Thank you so much for calling. And yeah, thank you so much,

man. This is a hard, hard season, I know. All right, let's go to, let's take another call. Let's go to Elena in Portland. Elena, what is going on, Elena? Hi, Dr. D, how are you? Couldn't be better. How are you? Pretty good. So what's going on? Well, I have been married to my husband for well over 20 years now. And we have been experiencing over the course of our time together a lot, really. Problems with intimacy in our relationship, both emotional and physical intimacy. And I'm wondering how I can get him to see a sex therapist with us.

Okay. So tell me, be a little more specific. Walk me through some of the challenges. I don't know that our... Hey, hold on, Elena. Hold on. We're super into this already, so it's all good. I can hear you be like, so, and, we're all in. You just go for it. Okay. Hey, listen, there's like seriously 16 people that listen to this podcast at the most, right? Four of them are my brother. He just has like four different monitors open. Anyway, it's either 16 or a million or so either way. It's all good. So we're, we're in it. Go for it. So it's just, I don't find our sex life very fulfilling. Okay. What does that mean? Like he's not good in bed. He's not adventurous.

You ask him for things and he says, I'm not doing that. Like, what do you mean? I feel like he shuts me down when I tell him what I need from him. And it creates a cycle where I avoid, which creates another situation where he's angry at me for avoiding. And you get in that weird sucky marriage dance, right? Yeah. And I want to break the cycle. I love him dearly. I want for us to be happy. And I need to break this cycle somehow. And I'm at a loss for what to do. Well, I love, love, love your spirit. Like you're making my heart feel good that you're invested in this. This is so awesome. So when you say you tell him what you need, what do you need? I tell him how I want him to touch me. I tell him what I need him to say to me.

I felt like a kindred to a caller in several shows back where she felt like she was talking a different love language than her husband and that her husband was kind of shutting her down. And I'm like, oh, oh, that's me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So why does he shut you down? Well, I know that he comes from a rather traumatic upbringing. Okay. The nature of his job is he's exposed to great amounts of trauma on a regular basis. What's that job?

He's in law enforcement. Okay. Um, and so he, he didn't have the best example of what a loving relationship looks like. Okay. Uh, growing up. And I think that part of that spilled over into, he didn't really explore his own sexuality. Okay. Does he believe that you love him and cherish him and value him? Yes, I think so. You know so or you think so?

No, I know so. I tell him regularly. Okay, so not in the ways that you think. Like, and I'm just speaking broad generalizations here I'm totally gendering this nobody write mean things on the internet but like sometimes the trap

is I wash his clothes I make his dinner I fill in the blank he knows how much I love him and that's not always the answer to that question and so posed another way has he ever communicated to you here's how I would really feel valued and loved and you said sweet I'm all in he hasn't communicated that to me. Okay. Either verbally or like, well, even not.

So do you love and cherish yourself? I try to. Okay. So you said you want to be happy. Walk me through a picture of what happy is. That's one of those amorphous words that ends up, the finish line moves on us when we chase it, right? Until we finally know what it is.

For me, that would be that we both feel secure enough in the relationship that we're not concerned that the other's going to leave because of these problems. So do you think he's going to leave? I have expressed to him that I am hopeful that he would. Okay. Are you going to leave? I don't want to.

That's an expertly avoidant answer. Are you going to leave? I'm not giving up without a fight. Okay. That's awesome. I just don't want to be the only one fighting. That's fair. That's awesome. I just don't want to be the only one fighting. That's fair. That's fair.

So tell me about the last time you sat down and not in a fight or not in a frustrated moment, but sat down and said, I want our life to have reckless, rambunctious, wild sex. I want to be able to be so enmeshed and in love with you in such a wild way here, 20 years into this thing, that we are tangled up and that I'm having to hide my phone because of the things that you send me that I've asked you to and vice versa and, and, and. But I need some new tools and I want you to come with me. Have you ever had that conversation with him? Not that explicitly, no.

Okay. So here's the way forward, especially for somebody who's experienced trauma, sexual trauma, who has a high traumatic job. And I've been in that same situation. When somebody comes at me, especially with something as sensitive as sex, especially as something as sensitive as my body, something as sensitive as me, right? People who have experienced trauma or work and live in trauma are experts at walls real quick right and he's really good at that yeah of course and even better at mirrored walls so the things you throw at us we can throw up a wall real quick and it bounces right back and you end up taking

the brunt of your own complaint right you feel bad about saying something or trying to get help with something etc right and then you feel more lonely and more lonely to which then I feel lonely, right? And then I blame you for my loneliness and we just get in this weird circle. So, the way through that is for you to say really explicitly, we are two decades in and you are the man that I married, you're the man that I married. You're the man that I love. You're the man that I want to take this, our sexual intimacy, our sex life. Don't even use words like intimacy. Use words like someone who is just ravenously desiring this guy and say, I am ready to go to a level that both of us don't even know yet. And I,

speaking about you, I don't have the tools to get us there. I would love for you to explore this with me because I'm ready to go. And if he says, no, I'm good, man. I'm just going to watch the game. Then that's all the answer that you need, right if he looks at you like i don't know another person i don't know one off the top of my head that wouldn't look at their wife and say okay i'm super all in and you can tell him i'm scared about how this is going to work this is going to be awkward for us and i'm nervous about it and i'm super super all in but i want to go get some tools and if he's in law enforcement, like every cop I've ever met in my life, and I've known a bunch, bunch of them, he's going to say,

I'm going to some therapist, whatever. Then you can say, I'm going to, and I would love it if you came. And at the end of the day, that's the best, best you can do. And you can really double down on healing your heart heart learning some new tools and then letting him see the benefit of these new tools you're learning and my gut tells me he'll follow right along with you i know a lot of brave law enforcement folks who get over that initial hurdle about counseling get over that initial hurdle about therapy and then all of a sudden their entire world is different because they learn a whole new language on how to be scared, how to say, I don't know, how to put their

guard down, take off that bulletproof vest and then the vest underneath that vest, right, which is the one that protects their soul and say, whew, all right, if we're going to do this, let's go all in, right? Does that sound exciting or no? Exciting and scary. Yes. Tell me about scary. The scary is, you know, what if he just says no? Yes. And that's me. And that's my, that's on me. No, no, no, no. No, Elena, that's on every human in the world.

Every single person listening to this or watching this just went yes. Because every relationship, whether it's two weeks or 20 years, is a risk. And every time you say, hey, there's one more thing. I learned more about my wife. We've been together for over 20 years, dating and married. I learned a lot about her this year and she learned a lot about me

that I didn't know and she didn't know. Whoa, right? And so it's a risk. It's a super risk and it's scary.. It's a super risk. And it's scary. But what's the alternative? It's just to sit there and continue to let the air slowly drain out of this thing.

You see where it's headed. You know where it's headed. He knows where it's headed. So at some point, somebody has to turn and face this fire and say, I'm going to be the one. And you said it here, right here to me. You said, I'm going to be the one. And you said it here, right here to me, you said, I'm not going down without a fight. And the beautiful thing here is the fight is more awesome sex. That's the fight. I'm all in. Somebody walking through the lobby just looked in and was like, whoa, what are y'all talking about?

This more awesome set, right? About being fully known, about finally being loved in a way that you go, yes. And that he goes, whoa, what have I been missing? Right? You don't sound like you're all in on that. I am. I am. Hey, listen, I don't know what you do for a living.

Do not be an actress because you are not selling this. Why did this suddenly get scary? No, it's... You've known him for two decades. Why does he get scary all of a sudden? I don't know. It's not scary in that. It's not scary in that. It's just, I'm hoping he's going to go along for the ride.

Okay, so let me tell you this. You ready? Don't hope. You've got to go. If you go into this conversation with one foot already out, just in case, you can feel it. You can feel it. You can feel it. You can know, man, she says she loves me, but she's hedging her bets. You've been married for 20 years. Either there's something else here that you're not telling me about, or you've got to just jump. And by the way, man, if you're in love with somebody for this long and they're not all the way in the pool,

man, everybody in the room knows it. Your kids know it. Your friends know it. And especially that little six inch gap between the two of you in bed feels like a hundred miles apart. At some point, one of you, and it sounds like you, has got to just say enough. I want this to be ravenous and reckless. I want to be so obnoxiously in love with you that literally our kids are embarrassed. They are embarrassed. And I'm super okay with that because my life is not making sure my kids aren't embarrassed. My life is making sure that I slide in, like I said about those two women at the top of the hour here at the beginning of the show, we slide into the end of our lives with no tread left on the tires. I want no conversations left had. I want to have fully risked everything to that person that I said I'd do to.

I risked everything, went all in. And yeah, Elena, he could say, dude, I'm sorry, I'm out. And God, that would suck. But if that's the case, he's already out now. Right. And then you get a clean cut and you can go figure out what's next instead of just slowly the air leaving this thing, but go all in, tell him you're going to learn some new tools. Tell me you're going to go figure some things out and you want him to be along for the ride because both of you are going to benefit. Everyone around you is going to benefit. His work's going to benefit.

You're going to benefit. Everything gets better when a couple is all in on each other. All in. And I'm excited for your heart and your soul and the fact that you said the magic words, I'm not going down without a fight. And if all of our fights were about more better sex, God Almighty, what a great world that would be. All right, so I'm going to go to a quick email real quick. This email is from Bob.

Man, we've got a series of these emails. And I keep bringing them up here. Do the right thing. Listen to this. I asked my brother if he would be my power of attorney if something happens to me. He said he doesn't want that responsibility. Come on, boss, brother.

What should I do? Number one, get a new brother. Brothers, if your brother comes to you with that level of vulnerability and says, hey, will you be my best man? I mean, best man, will you be my power of attorney? Best man's a party planner. Power of attorney is somebody

who closes the party down, right? Take that responsibility. There is no higher honor than somebody comes to you and says, I trust you so much. You're going to do the right thing, the heavy thing when I'm gone. But I know that conversation's hard. I know it's awkward. Life is full of hard conversations. Life's full of harsh realities. We've got to start facing that more and more and more. Our team put together the how to talk about your legacy guide. How to plan conversations, how to get on the same page with your spouse, how to ask people, hey, will you care for my family when I'm dead? Because it's going to happen.

Hey, will you be my kids? Can my kids come live with you? I trust and love you that much. That's not for everybody, but at least learn how to have that conversation, right? Text legacy to 33789. Legacy 33789. It's a free guide. You lose nothing and it's worth it. Bob, I'm sorry your brother said he doesn't want that responsibility. I get it though. It's heavy and it's hard, but man, somebody called me and asked me to be their power of attorney. And I tell you what, it was an honorable moment. It's a moment of honor. Legacy 33789. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Peter in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Peter, what's up, brother? How we doing? Hey, Dr. D. Thank you for what you do.

Hey, man. Thank you. What's going on? Well, I've been struggling with some news. I found out a couple of years ago that my mom has actually been panhandling. So we've talked about it, but I guess it's still weighing in on me a couple of years later. Have you talked to your mom about it? Yeah. Um, I mean, she struggled with money her whole life, you know, since I can remember. And a friend of mine, um, said that she, they saw her, you know, with a, like a cardboard sign asking for money, you know? Yeah. Um, so I, we did, we did talk to her about it and she admitted to it, um, but said that, you know, she was just in a hole and needed some quick money

to get out of it. Um, we, my, her sister, my aunt, right. So she has a little bit of, of, there's probably the best financial situation with the family even offered. She said, okay, how much do you need to get out of this hole? And was willing to, you know, write a check right there. But my mother refused and then completely shut down. Doesn't want to discuss it anymore, you know? Hey, can I just tell you, that sucks. I'm sorry. I'm trying to wrap my head around like me and your situation man that's hard to see hard to hear huh yeah i mean i think i'm struggling more because like she's she's always been very generous but now i have my own kids yeah so she'll want to she'll want to give my kids like a christmas present or a birthday present and the only thing i'm thinking is that that money came from her begging.

Man, there's a couple of things here. Number one, how old are you, man? I'm in my 40s. Okay, how old's your mom? 60s. So is there any plan for 65, 70, 75? Is there anything down the road? For her, I don't think so. Any social security any sort of well i guess that yes but

i know she's she's worked her whole life and then right into her 60s her job was outsourced so she was kind of like four since early retirement yeah um and hasn't been able to find another job since then okay so it's been a couple years and i I, as far as I know, she's getting, you know, social security, but I don't know if of any kind of, you know, 401k or any other, you know,

retirement plans. And, um, so do you have, I haven't spoken to her about that. Do you have brothers and sisters? I have a, an older brother.

Yeah. Have you all sat down and had this conversation yet? Is he, is he trustworthy in that way? I have talked to him about it, but he's not, he doesn't seem as concerned about it as I am. You know, he's just like. About his mom panhandling? Right.

Yeah. Unfortunately, he's. What would the response, I'm trying to put my head around, I don't want to throw shade at your brother, yo, but like, what would you say to that? Like, oh, that sucks, dude. How's the game? Like, how do you respond to that? Pretty much. I mean, no, I said, you know, we need to get her help.

We need to find out what kind of, you know, situation she's in. You know, I'm like, this can't be her retirement plan. Yeah. So, but he just says, you know, well, she's going to do what she's got to do. Kind of an attitude, you know. Well, hey, here's the sucky part. He's right. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Kind of like the last caller. I'm not going down without a fight, but he's right. Man, I wish I had more for you. Here's the, well, let me ask you this before I start rattling off here. You said this has been bothering you for a few years. Walk me through what's been going on in your heart and mind for the last few years. Well, yeah, I mean, you know, just the image of my mom, you know, holding a cardboard sign, right?

Right. It's very painful. So have you gone to get involved? Have you driven up and said, get in this car and taken her to get pancakes somewhere and just been like, what is going on, man? No. What has stopped you from doing that? I don't know. I guess that's a good advice.

I mean, that's square one. If I know my mom's on the side of a street corner, brother, I'm going to tell you right now. Again, I'm not hating on you. I'm just telling you I'm going to get in the car and go get my mom out of the street. Have you ever sat her down, not in a fight, but just in a, hey, I'm coming to hang out with your mom. And just said, hey, what's going on? I mean, we tried when we first got that news. And, you know, and she just, I don't want to talk about this anymore. You know, she kind of just shut everything down.

So every family is different. Every mom is different. So I'm known for having a pretty direct personality, okay? But if I find out that someone I love, my mom, just trying to put myself in your shoes, and she says, I don't want to talk about it, I'm going to say, I don't care what you want to talk about. My mom is not going to be panhandling. That's not a solution to life. So we are going to talk about this. Would she say, screw you and get up and walk out? Or would she put her head down and be so grateful that somebody punched through that wall she's got and then

said, what do we do next? Like, what would her response be? I think based on the last time we spoke about it, she'd walk away. Okay. Here's what I'm not able to do if I'm you. I'm not able to know that I did every, what's the worst that's going to happen? She's going to be right back where she's at, right? Right. And so are you married right now?

Yeah. Okay. So here's what I would do if I was you. Number one, I want to just say, dude, I'm glad that you still love your mom. You still care for her. That tells me that you've got something in your heart that's not going to sleep right until you know your mom's sleeping right. And that means you're a good man.

And so good for you. I do think you've got some action ahead of you ASAP. Okay? I think you need to get with your wife and set up whatever boundaries are going to be boundaries. If mom said okay, would you let her move in? If mom said, okay, would you help supplement rent? If mom said, okay, fill in the blank. Get your boundaries firm.

And it may be none of those things. Like we don't have the room for her to move in. We don't have any spare change in our house. That's not something we can do. Cool. But get with your wife and set up some really firm boundaries and then you got to get on the horn and to get your brother and say hey i'm going to have an intervention with mom we heard about it again that she's out begging on the streets again and

we're not going to let mom do that and if he blows you off he blows you off but you know at least i invited him into this conversation which you don't want to have some hardcore conversation and then him find out a couple months later and then be like oh you just left me out of it bro like you know what i mean make you the bad guy on that deal so invite him in say hey i'm going on this day at this time and we're we're done with this and then be real direct with your mom tell her that you love her and that this isn't safe and you want to come up with some other solutions, whether it's getting her connected to regional or local services. Or whether it is helping her find a job. Whether it's giving her a place to stay.

Whether it's giving her food money. Whatever that happens to be. However you can help support her. And then at the end of the day, you'll at least be able to put your head on a pillow. Not knowing everything's okay, but knowing I did everything that I could do. And I would also bring your kids along on this deal too, because I want them to see their dad going to the ends of the earth for his mom. Okay.

Okay? And I want them to love grandma and to know grandma. And here's another thing. I'm going to do this. I want you to stay on the line. Kelly is going to give you a year subscription to Ramsey Plus, which is all of the financial tools from my boss here, Dave Ramsey. I was going to say my old man.

He's not my dad. Kind of is, but not really. He signs my paychecks. No, my dad's my dad. But it's got everything from the Financial Peace University classes in it to the apps, all the stuff. And this is starting from square one. And you're going to be able to use that with your mom. If she's interested.

If she's not, then you can use it for your family. If she's interested, this will walk her through step one. And I don't care how old you are how young you are it's never too late to say starting today i'm gonna follow this plan and you know dave rams he's helped millions and millions of people get out of debt this is bigger than that he just people how to handle their money which means he teaches people how to handle and live lives with intentionality right how to be whole and so this is i'm gonna i'm gonna give you what i can right put a tool in your hand and you may have to call local services you may i don't know whatever that is

but i'm not going down i'm not gonna sleep at night knowing my mom's doing that without at least knowing i did everything i could to get my mom off the street everything i could i'm gonna bunk my kids up for a season i'm going to call my brother I'm going to call her church I'm going to figure something out until she says I don't want that man I don't want to be in any of this stuff I like I can make good money doing what I'm doing forget you get out of my life and that'll suck but at least you'll know right at least you'll know thank you for that call brother thank you for your heart um get involved and get active and then call me back email me back let me know how those conversations go how those plans go and um man all right so as we wrap up today's show

let's do this um i got some songs here i got some songs here you know got some songs here. You know what? I didn't even mean to, man. But this song is one. Because we talked about my good friend, because we talked about the two extraordinary women who passed away this past week, I'm going to wrap this show up with a song from 2007. It's a secret track on Bruce Springsteen's Magic album. It's called Terry's Song.

And he wrote it about a friend who passed away, and here's what he said. Well, they built the Titanic to be one of a kind, but many ships have ruled the seas. And they built the Eiffel Tower to stand alone, but they could build another if they please. The Taj Mahal, the periods of Egypt are unique I suppose but when they built you brother they broke the mold. Now the world is filled with many wonders

under the passing sun and sometimes something comes along and you know for sure it's the only one. The Mona Lisa, the David, the Sistine Chapel Jesus, Mary and Joe and when they built you brother they broke the mold.

And they say you can't take it with you, but I think they're wrong because all I know is I woke up this morning and something big was gone. Gone into that dark ether where you're still young and hard and cold. Just like when they built you, brother, they broke the mold. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.