The Dr. John Delony Show - A Longtime Alcoholic Struggles with Sobriety

Episode Date: August 18, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode I had an emotional affair and my husband found out. How can I get him to trust me? I've been sober for 2 years and I'm struggling to be a husband and father. Lyrics of the Day: "Sharp Dressed Man" - ZZ Top   As heard on this episode:  Conversation Starters BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: culture/current events, goals/life planning, infidelity, disagreement/conflict, marriage, addiction, substance abuse, parenting   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a woman who's trying to rebuild trust in her marriage after an emotional affair. We talk to an incredible guy who's still trying to rebuild being a dad and a husband after years of alcohol abuse. And I weigh in on Simone Biles' situation. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up, everybody? Stay tuned. If you want to be on the show, if you've got challenges, we take real calls from real people going through real stuff. Lots of it, man. Lots of different stuff. If you want to be on the show, give us a call at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291.

Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Fill out the form and we will get you on the show. So, there's a lot going on with some Houston connections. That's where I was born and raised. Sad news, man. We lost Dusty Hill, the bass player of ZZ Top passed away.

And latest I've heard, Kelly, I don't know why. I haven't heard any reasons. Yeah, I haven't heard any cause of death. Man. So as a fellow Texan, ZZ Top, man. That's the old school. So shout out to Dusty Hill and his family.

And also, Simone Biles is a Houston native. And, man, she has been in the news. And so we will talk about, I'll give you my thoughts on simone bile situation and um the olympian who stepped out for several reasons but the main one is mental health challenges while she was in competition and that has just turned the world on its head firestorm all over the place oh man but before we get to all that stuff um this is national james kelly i feel like there's a month for everything now and then there's a week for Before we get to all that stuff, this is National. James Kelly, I feel like there's a month for everything now. And then there's a week for everything. And now we're just like a day for whatever.

But this one's a good one. This is National Make a Will Month. National Make a Will Month. How do you get a month? Woo-hoo! I've already decorated it at home and everything. It's fantastic. It's just all just darkness.

Hey, kids, guess what? We're going to die someday. So we're going to write it down on paper for you. Have a different notary show up every day. Yes, just... Oh, man. But it is National Make a Will Month. My friend John King, he's one of my best friends on planet Earth.

One night we were all sitting around just having a drink, hanging out. I think we were watching fights or something. And it was John and Todd, a couple others, and they were talking about their wills. And I remember sitting there thinking, I don't have a will. Like, what do you need a will for? We're like 28 or something. And they were talking about this, and here's the executor. And they were using words I didn't even understand. And I looked and was like, I don't even have a will. Why do you have a will? Is it stupid? And John King, my buddy, said something that I've never forgotten. He said, the only reason you should not have a will is if

you hate your wife and children. I remember going, that's a bit much. Then all the other guys sitting around the table were like, yeah, dude, why do you hate your wife and kids? Like, why? The government does such a bang-up job of taking care of everyone else. They're going to be, your wife and kids are going to be lucky to have to go to court for several months just to get their car note or to get the title on your house or to keep your guitars or to whatever, whatever, whatever, to get life insurance.

So cool, man. Way to go, dude. That's what a grieving wife and kids need is that. I was like, man, so I went and got a will made. And since then I've gotten several wills as we got a new child. And as we've moved and changed dates and all that, here's the thing. I've since, you know, in crisis work, I've sat with families who lost loved ones. I've done this a number of times, more times than I can count. And I can tell you a few times I've sat with families and sat with a wife. This has happened a couple of times where the husband has died and wife looks at me with a look in her eyes that I can't describe it to you other than you just have to know.

And she looks at me and says, I don't know what to do next because there is no will. There's no money. She's going to have to go back to work on Monday. And this is a Saturday. There's nothing. The rent is due next month. The landlord doesn't care. The banks don't care. And man, I tell you what, one of the cornerstones of existential psychology is this idea that we all know at the end of the day that none of us get out of this thing alive. We all know that we're not going to make it. And that causes us to create institutions and ideas and all that stuff. One of the ways you can address existential angst, this idea that at some point you're not here, and it could be tomorrow, it could be 50 years from now. The reality is you don't know.

Make a will. It's the greatest gift you can give your parents, your spouse, your kids. And if you're sitting there thinking, I'm 36, I'm single, I got nothing. I mean, make a will for your mom, make a will for your dad, make a will for that friend at church that's going to have to come clean this up, for that friend at work that you've, someone's going to come get your stuff. It's a gift. Make a will. I actually, we have a partnership here with Mama Bear Wills. I went and when I moved from Texas to Tennessee, I had to adjust my will because the rules are different in every state. I used it just so I could say I'm not going to push something that I don't use.

I use this will for my family. It's awesome. We've got a free will preparation checklist. It covers seven most important things you've got to think about plus all the stuff most of us forget. To get this checklist, it's free. Text WILL to 33789. W-I-L-L-33789. And hey, here's the thing. It takes about 20 minutes to make a will. That's it. And I've got a partnership with these folks. We'll give you a discount. If you go to put in the promo code DELONI20, DELONI20. When you go to this site, they'll send you a link to Mama Bear Wheels. DELONIE20.

You'll get 20% off your wheel. And it's not expensive to begin with. It's relatively cheap. But listen, make a wheel this week. Get online. Text WILL to 3379. Get online and do this. 70-something percent of people in the country don't have a wheel when they die. It's

unbelievable. Get a wheel? It's unbelievable. Get a will. It's simple. And it's going to happen to all of us. Take care of your family. Take care of your stuff. Take care of your kids. Make grieving easier for those who love you.

All right, that's it. That's all I'm going to say about it. National Will Month. Woo! That's the strangest party we're ever having here, right? All right, let's go to the phones and let's cheer things up a little bit. Maybe, I don't know. Let's go to Kathleen in Macon, Georgia.

We're not going to cheer things up, are we? Kathleen, you there? Hey, I'm here. All right, Kathleen, what's up? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? I'm okay. How about you? It doesn't sound okay. Let's get into it. What's up?

So, I was just calling in because I was trying to figure out. You seem real nervous. Are you okay? Super nervous. Okay, don't be nervous. I'm nervous, too. And listen, you've heard this show. I'm not great at this. And so I'm setting the bar really low for both of us.

So you're good. So what's up? Okay. So I guess about... Hey, you're hem-hawing around? Just jump on in. You called, like, we're in it. Just pretend me and you are sitting in a coffee shop what happened okay so quick rundown like a couple months ago or I guess back in March or whatever um well started back in March um I changed jobs or whatever and um And I ended up getting involved emotionally with a co-worker.

Okay. And my husband found out about it. Your husband found out about it? Yes. Okay. So when you say you got involved emotionally with a co-worker, what does that mean? Well, I didn't realize it at the time until afterwards. So I started researching or whatever.

You're so around the issues. Tell me directly what happened. Were y'all texting each other that I love you and I miss you and start making plans? Were you sending each other nude photos of each other? Tell me what emotional affair looks like. Everything but y'all just didn't hook up in a hotel. What was going on? We talked a lot, texted.

He told me things about his relationship, his wife. I've told him things about my marriage and intimate things that shouldn't have been like talked about outside of marriage. Um, I don't know. He would, and we texted like a lot. Okay. Um, it was never anything. I mean, it was inappropriate to me. Okay. Um, he was a superior to me. So, I mean, it was inappropriate to me. Okay. He was superior to me. I mean, he was my boss. Okay. So as far as like texting.

So your husband finds out about, so backing out, you never slept with him, right? No. Never held hands, never kissed him, never like. Never. Okay. So in your head, you've called this an emotional affair, but you know you crossed lines that you shouldn't have. That's where we're at, right? Yeah.

Okay. And then your husband found out. Mm-hmm. And then what happened? So right before this happened, a couple weeks before this happened, we were already kind of like disconnected or whatever. Of course, yeah. Kind of talking. And this was already kind of happening before I changed jobs back in March.

And my husband kind of came to me one day. He was like, we need to talk. And he's like, well, I got to know what's going on. And I kind of rushed off and he told me about some issues that, you know, he was going through. And he's like, you know, I really want to work on our marriage. And I was like, I do too, blah, blah. And so, but I didn't tell him about the relationship or whatever okay that i had at work and because i guess i thought i could end it on my own that's what i was thinking in my head okay

and then a couple of weeks after that that's when he found out i was deleting text messages and um but i wasn't i guess it wasn't deleting fast enough on my watch or whatever, that's when he found out I was deleting text messages. And, um, but I wasn't, I guess it wasn't deleting fast enough on my watch or whatever. And that's how he found out about the messages. Okay. So then, so you cross some lines in your heart and in your head, and then you lied to your husband about it and your marriage was already messy. And, um, he had been vulnerable with you and said, hey, I really want to work on this. And you said, me too.

But that would have been the moment to say, hey, I'm not doing well either. And you didn't. You kept that quiet. And then he discovers this on his own. And now what? Does he want to be done with this whole thing? Yeah, because, well, back in the past like even before all this happened i had like an issue where like i racked up like a ton of like credit card debt and i ended up coming clean about that a couple of years ago and anyways anyways, we're working on that.

And we're getting that all, you know, figured out and paying all our debt down or whatever. But you have a history in this relationship of being dishonest with your husband. Yeah. So how can I help you? He has this thing about trust most of us do just fyi like man my husband's so weird he's got this thing about trust all of us do really so like do you struggle with taking responsibility for stuff? Well, no, I take responsibility because I'm angry at myself that I do this to my husband. But like, every day, like, you know, he's always questioning.

Like, he still thinks like we did, you know, more. He still thinks every day. Did you have sex? Did you have sex? No, we did not. We did not do anything. I know, but of course he's going to to because you've got a history of lying to him and that's why like my real question was like how do i earn trust or whatever with him and i'm just even like i'm 100 honest like he knows everything like he knows all about our finances i

have he books at my phone all the time there's I don't ever close out of apps I don't delete anything I know but you're you're you heal from this you heal from this type of trust you quit your job you said yeah I quit my job okay like I was you heal from from this type of dishonesty slowly and over time. And he has to decide. He's going to have to decide to be vulnerable and be willing to be lied to and hurt again. And it's going to take a long time. My guess is you also are dishonest about other things,

and that these are two big ones because you got really busted, right? Yeah. But that there's other things too. Yeah. And there's little thises and that's, and how many drinks did you have? I just had one, but I had four. Or did you call that guy? No.

And, and, and. Back when y'all were dating, have you ever cheated on him before? No. No? Marshall Castle sweetheart. Okay. Yeah, your relationship's not doing great. And have you all gone to see somebody?

No, I asked him to, but he won't. Okay. You need to go for you. Okay. You need to go for you. That's all you can do. You can't force him to do anything. And he's been burned again and again and again and again.

And he's probably not a saint in this deal, right? He's probably not. But you have not given him a reason to trust. Okay. And so what you have to do is go start working on you number one get to the bottom of what are you bringing to this relationship that's making it dysfunctional it's making it not healthy and that's beyond getting involved emotionally with a co-worker okay that stuff happens you get great friendships that turn into great relationships that turn into is your wife

like this is your husband like this and Is your husband like this? And suddenly you're like, whoa, what happened? What happened? And, um, so that happens. And then there's a line,

right? And then there's a sneaking around and then there's the secrets. Then there's the, it just kind of gets out of control. Right. I don't, I'm not pissed off at you for that. It happens.

I'm, I'm not pissed off at you for anything actually. Um, but those things happen. It's when you've got to flip the lights on and say, whoa, where are we? Right? And then you've got a pattern of this stuff that says that there's some cracks in the foundation of your relationship. Do you want to stay married to this guy?

Yes. Beyond just wanting to stay married. Do you want to have a good relationship? Yes. What does that to have a good relationship? Yes. What does that even look like for you? A lot of honesty. Talking all the time, communicating. Beyond that, bigger than that, what does it even mean?

I don't think you have a good picture of what that means and what a counselor is going to help you do is decide these magic words what do you want yeah and i don't think you can answer that question fully i think you can answer what you don't want which is you don't want to be single you don't want the guy to leave you you now realized oh crap this hall can go away right i think you know what you don't want, which is you don't want to be single. You don't want the guy to leave you. You now realized, oh, crap, this all can go away. I think you know what you don't want. But I don't think you know what you actually want, probably professionally.

Do you all have kids? Yeah. How many? Two. Two? How old are they? One is about to be six, and the other one is three. Yeah, you are right in the middle of this. This is a hard season for couples.

Every couple I know has hard seasons with little kids like this. But I don't, it just becomes a mess, especially for a professional woman who's trying to be a mom, trying to be, all of this is a mess. And I think you got to go sit somebody. It would be great if he came with you, but if he won't, he won't, right? If he won't, he won't. You got to go sit somebody. I would be great if he came with you, but if he won't, he won't, right? He won't, he won't. You got to go deal with you. And so I want you to call somebody today. I've got to, if you don't have a counselor in your area, which you do, you can call betterhelp.com

slash Deloney. They'll give you a discount. You can join on that. I got a partnership with them. You have no excuses. You can do it online. I'd rather you go in person right now because this thing's a mess and let him know I screwed up and you can continue to look at anything I've got. I'm going to go take care of myself. I haven't been who I want to be in this thing. Life is nuts with two little kids. Life is,

I had to quit my job, all this stuff. I just need to get things straightened out. I'd love for you to come with me. And you cannot talk your way into him trusting you again. That's gone. You've got to show. And not performative, not look, look, look, look. But I love you. I'm going to keep showing up. I'm going to keep showing up. I'm going to keep showing up.

And I'm going to start working on me. So thanks for that call, Kathleen. That's hard, man. That's hard. It's hard. I'd love to talk to him. Have him give me a call. I'd love to hear his side of this thing, too. I'd love, love, love to talk to him. Have him give me a call. I'd love to hear his side of this thing, too.

I'd love, love, love to chat with him. Sorry there's not like a silver lining on this one right now. This is just mess. Actually, you know what? There is a silver lining on it, which is going to take a lot of work, a lot of intentional work, and a lot of Kathleen going first, right? Ugh, that's yuck. Sorry, everybody. Let's take a break. Let's take a break.

We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. All right, let's go to Andrew in Charlotte. Hey, Andrew, what's up, man? Dr. John, how you doing, man? I'm all right, brother. How are you? It's a good day because I'm talking to Dr. John Deloney. It's a better day because I'm talking to Andrew, man. So what's up? How can I help?

So here's the thing. I'm a recovering alcoholic. Okay. And I'm having some struggles. And I kind of, the best way I guess I can put it is I kind of feel like Brooksie from Shawshank Redemption. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Struggling with life on the outside. Um, and you know, this life after sobriety and, um, in particular, uh, about 22 months. 22 months. Are you in a, are you in a program of any kind?

Yeah. I joined AA. Still going to meetings. Okay. Yep. Is that, is that working for you? You know, it has been, um, I gotta be honest though, lately I've, um, I don't know if it's, you know, the group I'm in, the area that I'm in, I've become a little disenfranchised. Um, and I know a lot of that's on me, but it just kind of feels like I'm not, it just feels like for the last maybe year I've been kind of, you know,

talking around in circles and talking to the same people, telling the same stories. And I kind of feel that I've hit a rut and like I'm stuck and not moving forward. What are you doing differently? I've started being a little more relational with people kind of outside of the program and trying to get in touch with, uh, what it means to be a friend and, and to use the people around me that care about me. So something I've been doing different lately is, you know, more one-on-one chats with people that I trust. Um, which, um, you know, that that's been a good, that's been a good change. So you're, um, you're married, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Um, which, um, you know, that, that's been a good, that's been a good change. So you're, um, you're married, right? Yeah. Yeah. Kids. Yeah. We got two kids. How's that going?

Um, man, it's been so great to reconnect with my boys. Um, they're two and four. Awesome. And yeah. And that, that's been, that's been really good. But you know, what I'm struggling with is, you know, I, I, I drank heavily for a long time. I started young. I was a, I was a professional musician and very much lived kind of stereotypical lifestyle and about 18 years of drinking from the age of like 17 to 35. And I kind of feel like I woke up from an 18 year coma and I've been dropped into the middle of this battle zone naked with no gun. And I've

kind of realized, dude, I don't know how to be a husband, how to be a father is how to be a man. And, and I, I feel kind of stuck in this adolescence and it's, it's been, um, it's been kind of frustrating and where I struggle with most, uh, cause my issues abound, but where I struggle with most is I'm trying to make things right with my wife because nobody suffered more than her. And it's been so hard, you know, this recovery process just hasn't been, I haven't made the progress that I need to make. You know, I lied. What do you think progress is? It's complete openness, honesty, and humility.

Are you still lying to her? No. You still lying to her? No You still lying to your boys? I'm not lying to my boys Who are you lying to? I'm doing a lot of lying to I guess to I guess to me

What about? I don't I listen to these voices in my head There you me that I am not, uh, I'm never going to make this right. That, you know, this things are never going to change. And you know what, dude, you just need to bail. So I'm fighting with that voice. Yeah. That voice is real, man. Yeah. And that voice has earned it seat at your table. And at some point that you'll, you'll look over one day and see that, that voice just mouthing,

but you won't hear the words anymore, but right now it's loud, right? What do you think? Paint me a picture brother of what quote unquote, making things right. Looks like, how do you get back 18 years with the woman you love?

Like, what does that, what do you think that even looks like, how do you get back 18 years with the woman you love? Like, what does that, what do you think that even looks like? When, when we can reach a point where she sees me as her leader, as her provider, um, cause right now I just, I don't think she feels safe. She doesn't feel secure. She doesn't feel.. She doesn't feel... What makes you think that? Well, apart from her saying as much. That's the best answer ever.

Because she said it. Yeah. And I see it. I see it in her frustration, even when she doesn't say it. Yeah. How long have you all been together? I see it in her frustration, you know, even when she doesn't say it. Yeah. How long have y'all been together? Seven years.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, you've been drinking for 18 years, but y'all have been together for seven years. Yeah. Does this woman love you? She must, man, because she's still here. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That was a bull craprap answer does she love you she does love me yeah she does yeah so two things i see here number one everyone in the world can

forgive andrew but if andrew doesn't forgive andrew this whole thing ends in a dumpster fire and until andrew forgives andrew you you go around trying to perform for people, right? It's like you went, like you're a musician, right? What did you play? I was a guitar player. Okay, you're a guitarist, and one night you botch the solo. You are so hellbent on making sure we play that solo

the next night so I can redo it, right? And you can't wait to go back to that town because you're going to let them have it the next time right you're going to really just relationships don't work like that man and you're running around trying to perform for people which you feel like is connection because you're seeing people for the at all. So last night, a buddy of mine called and he said, he was heartbroken. He said, hey, my wife just had a birthday party and she told me I just wanted to be chill and want to go to dinner, but I wasn't going to do that. I threw a massive thing. I planned everything. I started with breakfast in the morning.

I made it a big old deal. And by the time evening rolled around, they were in a big fight. And he called me and was like, what did I do, man? I did this and this and this and this and this. And she said I wasn't listening to her. I couldn't see her. I couldn't hear her. And I was quiet.

And I was like, brother, you threw a party for your wife. You used your wife as a tool for you to get accolades for yourself, and you used your wife as means by which you could throw something really great so that her and other people around could tell you how great you were, and so you didn't listen to your wife, who gave you exactly what she wanted, which was, I just want a small, chill thing who gave you exactly what she wanted, which was, I just want a small chill thing. And you did something that you wanted to do in order to make yourself feel better. And he was like, oh crap, you're exactly right. I just wanted

her to have a great party. And I was like, then you should have just done something low key, like she said. And where you are right now is very similar. My guess is safety for your wife looks like you being calm and chill and making coffee in the morning, taking the trash out and making the bed and saying, good morning. I love you. And can we have a hug? And you taking the boys for walks. And when you are trying to prove leadership status or provider status, dude, she doesn't need a leader or provider. She's been that. She needs a co-pilot. She needs somebody with her, not over her.

Does that make sense? Yeah, totally, man. And the language is important here. Because if you walk up to her and be like, I just want to be your leader, she's going to look at you and go, bro, I've been leading this thing for seven years now. I'm good. She probably just wants you to love her. And you can't do that until you forgive Andrew. Why don't you love Andrew enough to forgive Andrew?

Oh, man. You know, it feels, it, I really hate the things that I've done. And I guess I keep dwelling on that. I can dwell on stuff with the best of them. That's right. That's right. Hey, you just said it perfect though. Do you have a pen in your hand? I've got a keyboard. Okay. I want you to type a period on that keyboard. Just type it. One dot. Done. You said the things I've done, period. Past tense. Over. There are zero things you can do about those things. None. You cannot edit those sentences. They're done. The only thing you can do is write new ones.

Or you can just keep reading the old ones over and over and over and over. And especially for people working through sobriety, but for all of us, ruminating thoughts, just letting those suckers spin feels so good, man. It feels like we're doing heavy lifting. It's not, man. It's a complete burn of social and spiritual energy. And what I'm telling you, dude, is quit reading the old sentences. You can change zero of those things. None. What you can change is how much you love those boys. You can make meaning of the last 20 years and have these one-on-one conversations with people who are one, two, five, 10 years ahead of you on this journey, who really know how to love their wives, really know how to be great dads,

and they can teach you, and you can call them them and you can text them on the mornings you wake up and say, dude, my four-year-old and two-year-old, if I hear one more thing about Bluey or if I have to change one more diaper or if my kid pees all over the bathroom one more time, I'm going to set the house on fire and they'll send you some funny emoji back or whatever. You got to have those guys in your life, but they're going to walk alongside and provide a picture for what marriage looks like that you don't have, provide picture for parenthood that you don't have. Man, that's where you're at. You cannot change the done things, period. And so after this call, I want you to, the one challenge I have with AA, I love that it connects people together. I love it with all my

heart. I love that it gives structure to people. I love that it connects people together. I love it with all my heart. I love that it gives structure to people. I love that it pushes people outside of the things that they can see with their hands, the scientific part, and says, man, you got to surrender to something bigger than you. I love all that stuff. I love the talking and talking and talking and the honesty and the vulnerability. I love it. The one thing I don't love about it is the identity that I am and will always be this. That's my one beef with it, because I think you can change.

And it starts with forgiveness of yourself, and it starts with reconnecting. Has your wife told you what she needs from you? Yeah, she has. What has she said? Well, the basic thing was stop lying, start communicating. That was the headline. And communication and letting her in. Yeah.

That's what she needs. So here's what we're going to do, starting today. You ready? Yeah, I'm ready. I want you to do three things together. Number one, every day I want you to start and end every day with skin-on-skin contact, usually by holding her hands and looking her in the eye. And this is going to sound cheesy. Tell her some idiot on the radio told you to do this, okay?

And I just want you to stare at her, into her eyeballs, for 10 to 30 seconds while holding her hands. That's it. Say nothing. Now, brother, you're communicating. You're not transferring info. You're not giving her a bunch of facts, a bunch of data. you're communicating. You're not transferring info. You're not giving her a bunch of facts, a bunch of data. You're communicating. Okay?

This is connection. All right. The second thing is I want you to ask her, what does your picture for today look like? Just today. And not, hey, what are you going to do today? Well, I'm going to do this. What's your picture today look like? What does peace and laughter and forgiveness and joy and what does that look like today? And let her speak into your

life. And then you answer with, awesome. I'll do what I can to help make that happen. Period. Conversation's over. Okay. The third thing is I want you all to begin to do a gratitude journal in the morning and in the evening together. And so what you're asking for her of her is five minutes a day. And the gratitude journal is going to be a single journal y'all keep on your bed. That's just going to be something y'all do together, which is I'm grateful for five in the morning, five in the evening before you go to sleep. Okay. okay okay that's it that's it and when she tells you something no rebuttals no but yeah but this no none of that if it sets off your body and you can feel it in your chest and you can feel like oh i'm starting to feel the shame i'm starting to feel the crazy you take that stuff to your sponsor you take that stuff to these one-on-one conversations you're having with people but right now what you're learning you're teaching your wife that you are a safe place.

You're not going to lie. You're not going to give rebuttals. You're not going to be like, well, what you should be doing it. None of that stuff. You're safe. And what's going to happen in short order.

I'm talking like 30, 60, 90 days, her alarm systems are going to go off, are going to start tuning way down. She's going to, when she, when you're around and you're looking her in the eye, her heart rate's not going to take tuning way down. When you're around and you're looking her in the eye,

her heart rate's not going to take off on her. Her brain's not going to start spinning. And when hers stops doing that, then yours stops doing that because we're co-regulated and our heartbeats match the person in front of us when we're stressed. And you're going to see a general temperature coming down in your home. And every single day, by the way, you're going to hold your little boys and you're going to hold their face in your hands and you're going to look them in the eye and you're going

to make silly faces, but you're going to touch them on the face. And when they say, say, nope, this happens every day. You can tell them you love them. And every time something comes up from your past that you remember, you're going to say them you love them. And every time something comes up from your past that you remember, you're going to say the words out loud, nope, not going there. Because you can't do anything about it. Oh my gosh, that one time I said I was going to come home and I didn't show up and I ended up on a bus, but nope, that's it.

I'm out. I'm stopping it, right? This is you slowly retaking control of two important things, your thoughts and your actions. And by the way, dude, you got to have a workout program. You got to, you got to, you got to start exercising. You got to start eating, right? These are the baseline stuff, right? Andrew, 100% you can get there. So here's what I need you to do after 30 days of this. Skin to skin contact twice a day. Gratitude journal today, twice a day.

Asking your wife, what does today look like for you? 30 days, I want you to holler back at me. And if you say, like, this thing sucks. We did this. You're an idiot, Deloney. I will announce this on this radio show. Million people listen. I almost guarantee it's not going to.

Okay? Guarantee it's not going to. Thank you so, so much for your bravery, brother. I have 100% confidence in you. And if it makes you feel better, you're right where you need to be. You're right where you need to be. It's going to be hard two years in. Hang in there.

Hang in there. Hang in there, brother Andrew. Thank you so, so much for that call. All right. James Kelly. Simone Biles, real quick. What have youall been hearing? It's been very divisive.

I mean, you know, you're hearing that she's doing great for taking care of herself and thinking of her team, but then there's been this side that's been, she's selfish and she's letting her teammates down and she's just thinking about herself.

It just seems it's just, everybody has an opinion on it, and it's pretty strong opinions too for something that doesn't affect them. So here's just my rant. I'd love to hear you all pop in. You've got the greatest gymnast of all time, and if you go back and look at some of her stuff, like she's won gold medals with broken bones in her feet. She's all kinds of injuries where she keeps going.

To do the things that she does behind closed doors is hours and hours, hundreds of hours, hundreds of falls from heights onto mats and eating it and bashing your head and your arms and your elbows on poles and beams and whatever. So number one, we're going to take off the table this, she's weak. That's off the table. That's absurd at a level that's so stupid. So if anybody listening has said, she's just weak, you're wrong. You're an absolute moron. You're wrong. Okay. So that's off table. Number two, to do a flip off a high dive into a pool. Scares me. It's not easy, right? To do 88 flips in the air, whatever crap she's doing and spinning and doing circles and twisters and whatever in the air and then by the way if if her foot hits the ground and it moves one inch we're all like oh she tanked it man

by the way as it i think i saw the other day she's the sole surviving person who's still on the team who's involved in all of that those years of sexual assault from that evil nasser idiot so you're you're you're carrying the face of sexual assault survivors to the globe you're the number one on planet earth and you've gone through all of these these practices where your mental toughness is every second of every practice and by the way, she's known in the city of Houston for showing up in the middle of the night during hurricanes and food drives, not as a celebrity, but hey,

I can throw boxes. So she's known as a person who helps her community out. You've got these other countries talking about race stuff. To say she's quote-unquote mentally weak is idiot. Insane.

Off the table. You can't have that there either. Right? So now I'm left with one of the greatest athletes in my lifetime, the greatest gymnast of all time, who says, hey, last night I was flipping and flying around the air and I can't do it like I know myself I know my body I know my brain I've got to step back I don't know how anybody eating Cheetos

sitting on their couch I don't know how anybody like with Domino's pizza delivery knocking on the front door can sit there and go oh my gosh she hates america she's a coward what a wimp she signed up for dude i it's maddening it's maddening when somebody of her caliber character somebody for somebody of her caliber of mental fortitude, somebody of her caliber of professional athlete, somebody of her character who suffered the trauma she suffered, somebody who's carrying earth, the face of the U.S. Olympics, stands up and says, I can't, I got to step out. And by the way, turns it over to somebody who didn't make the team. And then that turns around and wins a gold medal. What a great turn of events. By the way, our team is so good, I can step out.

And the person who replaced her, who hadn't made the team, wins gold. Right? So here's the thing. Number one, I don't know. I'll never know Simone Biles. Like, we're not going to go hang out, I don't know her I don't know her mental health, I can't speak to that what I can speak to is just the facts

that to call her a wimp, to call her weak to call her mentally whatever is absolute insanity absolute insanity if you played high school sports that you don't get to speak into Olympic athlete absolute insanity. If you played high school sports, that doesn't,

that you don't get to speak into Olympic athlete. If you were like a cool tight end on your football team, you don't know what it's like to carry sexual assault, race, the face of US Olympics internationally during a pandemic. You don't get to speak on that stuff. And so when somebody of that caliber or any caliber says, hey, here's what I'm going through right now. What if we all just said, oh, okay, and you trusted the person talking to you?

What if we just did that? It takes all of our angst out of our souls. It keeps us from poisoning ourselves, hoping Simone Biles is going to feel it. Absolute madness. Madness. And you know what? We talk about Simone Biles, James and Kelly, but it's also somebody calls in sick at work and we're at our house or we're at the office and we're tired and we're frustrated and we instantly go, they're not sick. Or if they had just done this and they eat like that, of course. What if we just went, oh oh man i hope you get to feeling better or when we're driving down the

road and a guy cuts us off and we're like that guy he just what if we just said man i hope he's doing okay if you had a comment a negative comment about some anything than, I hope she's okay. Man. Check yourself, man. Look in the mirror. You don't have no idea. And we've got a culture that just thinks we can comment on everything, especially negatively.

Just stop. I don't know. That's my thought. That's my thoughts. I know the least about it than probably anybody in this room, but the thing, first of all,

like you never know, there's always more behind the scenes going on than you know and we'll never know about. And unless you're in that position, you don't know what you would do. You may have caved under the pressure a long time ago,

you know, like nobody knows unless they're in that position. But yeah, everybody needing to comment on everything happening all the time is just so stupid and exhausting i just don't understand it like what and then to see that person say i can't do this but i'm gonna go out and suck it up and in the humiliation embarrassment and i'm gonna cheer my team on come on man you

know i i just looking at something of a caliber of character that we just don't see very often and to turn that into what a wimp or what a week or she's going to regret this. Probably not. And if you look at the number of previous athletes that have come out and said, man, I wish I would have had the courage to do what she was doing because I was starting to – Michael Phelps has been big out there saying, man, I almost had a breakdown. I almost lost it. Yeah. And they're applauding her for the courage that she had and wishing they had done that. Right. And, you know, we don't have a clue what the kind of pressure they're under.

I can't even wrap my head around it. Right. I can't wrap my head around it. But I can know this. One of the ways people ask me all the time, dude, you always just look like you're just chill. You always just walk through life pretty light. It's because I just choose to believe people. And when they tell me they're struggling, I choose to go, man, I'm sorry. And I'm also a guy that tells myself a lot, Dylan, you got to suck it up. I know you don't

feel good. I know you don't feel great or whatever. You got to get your workout done. I'm all about that. I love Jocko too. You got to suck it up and you got to do it. And then there comes a moment when somebody is doing somersaults in the air and they say, if I do this wrong, I'm going to land on my neck. I'm going to break my neck. I'm not in the right headspace. I got to step out. And then you go, sweet. Who's next? And then in this case, who's next went and won a gold medal. So rad, dude. So rad. So that's my thought on Simone Biles. It's just my thought on life, man. Everybody stop commenting on everything, trying to find something negative. Let's celebrate people.

Let's support people. And yeah, dude, if it's you, look in your mirror, suck it up. Work hard. Work hard. Suck it up and work real hard. And if you can't, you can't. And then have the courage to say, I need to step back for a minute. I need to step back for a minute. And if she does regret this 40 years

from now, it's her regret to have, not yours. Because America got their gold medal that you needed so bad. Alright, as we wrap it up, man, shout out to Dusty Hill today. I went through a lot of ZZ Top songs, trying to find one that somebody listening to ZZ Top in the car with their kids wouldn't have to end the show right now.

Man, the kings of the double entendre, those guys. But, man, every girl's crazy about a sharp-dressed man. Is that fair, Kelly? No? Yeah, definitely. All right. I don't even know what record this is off of, but it goes like this.

Clean shirt, new shoes, and I don't know where I'm going to. Silk suit, black tie. James, do you have a silk suit? Probably not. And I don't need a reason why they come running just as fast as they can because every girl's crazy about a sharp-dressed man. Gold watch, diamond ring, I ain't missing not a single thing. And cuff link, stick pin.

When I step out, I'm going to do you in because they come running just as fast as they can. Old Dusty Hill. Every girl's crazy about a sharp, dressed man right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.