The Dr. John Delony Show - A Traumatic Injury, COVID Burnout, & a Recovering Introvert

Episode Date: April 26, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   My husband had a traumatic brain injury 7 years ago. I need help navigating our new normal. How do I deal with our social circle, family and church? I'm a teacher of 14 years and the weight of the pandemic is so heavy. Students are just not engaging; it doesn’t feel like there’s an end to this. How can I keep going and avoid burnout? Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle - Emily Nagoski & Amelia Nagoski I have become an introvert by choice. How do I get myself back out there? Lyrics of the Day: "Silly Girl" - Descendents   As heard on this episode: BetterHelp   tags: sickness/illness, family, relationships, boundaries, friendship, trauma/PTSD, kids   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, on today's show, we talked to a woman whose husband sustained a traumatic brain injury and she wants to know how to rebuild community. We talked to an awesome teacher who is drowning with struggling students. We talked to an introvert who wants to get back out there and he's struggling with how to do that as COVID goes away. Stay tuned. Hey, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Thanks for walking with us and hanging out. So glad that you're here. Hope your family's well.

I hope you're well. Hope you're back in school. Or I hope you're never going back to school as long as you live. Hope you're eating well and sleeping well and going for walks. And I hope it's spring where you live. And if the tornadoes are coming, I hope that they miss you. We're so glad that you're here. We're going to talk about relationships, mental health. We're talking about everything on this show. All of it, right? Give us a shout if you want to be on this show. I want you on the show. I love to talk to you. We're getting calls and emails from all over the planet, and it's so rad.

Give us a shout at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291, or you can go to johndeloney.com slash show. You can fill out the form, and then Kelly's going to make all the decisions because she is the Lord of the show. You can fill out the form. And then Kelly's going to make all the decisions because she is the Lord of the show. So, and James, I don't know, James is like, uh-uh, I'm the producer. He's the producer. I did not say that.

But Kelly is the Lord. It's awesome. Alright, so, I hope everybody's doing well. Hey, real quick. We need to have some family talk here. Gentlemen. Enough with the deep V's we're done we're done every time i see a guy with a dv it's getting deeper and deeper and it used to be just like hey you just unbutton the top button and then it was like you had an undershirt it wasn't weird

and then it became like no way dude we're gonna not wear an undershirt, and we're going to go like three buttons. And that gave me gas, but it was fine. But now they sell them. They sell the DV. It's not an undershirt. It's like, no, I intentionally went there, and I just wanted to go all the way down. And here's the thing, guys. We've seen tight jeans come back, and we now have mustaches back stop

no deep V's dude we're about to go off the edge here man I would rather limp biscuit clothes come back than the deep V to continue to make inroads into our hearts and minds and souls can we just stop together we make a team. That was the motto of my Woodland Hills Elementary School where I grew up.

Together we make a team. I think together we make a stand against deep Vs, gentlemen. Let's do it. Are we good? We're good? All right, cool. All right, let's go to the phones. Let's talk to Tamara Northport.

I don't know why I just paused. I don't know, dude. I want to say, like, if it was Tamara and I knew it wasn't and then it just paused and I don't know, dude. I want to say like if it was Tamara and I knew it wasn't, and then it was Tamara and I got a friend named Tamara. I haven't talked to her in a minute. I think I'm going to call her. There's a lot going on up there, but we're going to go to Tamara in Northport.

Tamara, what's up? It's Tamara or Tamara, but nobody ever says Tamara. So I appreciate that. It's Tamara, right? It is. I've got an awesome friend named Tamara. She's brilliant. She's a wonderful friend in Abilene, Texas. And I was like, right when I saw your name, I thought I haven't talked to Tamara in a long time. I should probably

call her. And then there was the other part of my brain that's like, Hey, you're in the middle of a radio show. Maybe you should do that too. And so, Hey, what's up? What's up? You know, I just, I thought I'd call in and kind of throw you some situations I'm in right now and see what direction it goes. Let's do it. My husband and I are both, okay, so my husband and I are both 42 and been married 18 years. We have five kids. And yes, we knew exactly what was causing it that's about hey how many times have you gotten that question hey you know how that happens yes

idiot too many too many listen one time i asked a buddy hey you know how that happens right and his answer was so over the top to me i I have never asked that question again. It's awesome. Yeah, well, then we had twins and people were like, oh my gosh, are they natural or are they fertility? Like, that's a really personal question. What are we? Hey, listen. Yes, everyone knows how babies were made. Let's never ask that question.

Together we make a team. We're going to stop being V's camera and we're going to stop asking people how babies are made. Let's just move on. All right. So you got five of them. Perfect. Okay, so that's where we're at. I'm married 18 years. So seven and a half years ago, my husband fell from a roof and he sustained severe injuries. His left side was totally crushed. But what left him completely changed forever was a traumatic brain injury. And so, you know, we've been spending seven and a half years just like, what do we do with this? How do we embrace this? How do we

follow this? And I, he's a completely different person. He doesn't look different. That's, that's the thing. Like, why doesn't he have a scar? Because you can't see it. So, you know, I've just said. Tell people, give people an example. My oldest friend on planet Earth is a TBI survivor, and it changed everything 100%, start to finish. When some, to a group of people who don't know, walk somebody through what living with somebody with TBI with a traumatic brain injury can be like. And I know that, like that, that, that word, that, that phrase traumatic brain injury means a million different things to many people. Walk somebody through the day to day, what that looks like, how that's different than it used to be. Well, you know, that's a book, you know, and I'll

probably write one someday because even when I was having babies and when I had twins, I mean, somebody, I found somebody on the, on the planet that said, I've been there, I've done that. You're going to be okay. And I've not ever had that conversation with a person that has said, you know what? I got your back. We went through it. You guys are going to be okay. And so aside from my faith and my absolute unconditional love for this man and my community, we would not be who we are because most people relocate, they divorce, they start over. Because what it's done is it's wiped the slate clean in this person's body, soul, and spirit. And so as they fight their way back, you know, you have to fight your way back. And so as much as he has changed, Dr. Deloney, I have changed and my children have changed. And so

it's, it sucks if you look back on it and you go, man, that is hell. And then I can like shift my perspective and go, that is such an opportunity. Like look who we are now, you know? But my question for you primarily, because this could go all sorts of different directions. It's kind of a rabbit hole, but I don't know how to do what you asked me to do. I don't know how to communicate to people, you know, how different it is. And I don't know how to help other people just live in our normal, accept it, celebrate it. And, you know, the people I'm surrounded by are not like judgmental churchgoers and nosy neighbors and irritating family. They're my tribe. There are people there are there are the people that were there.

We got married, the ones that brought casseroles when we had babies, the ones that have, you know, been there. And now, seven years later, we're like, man, we aren't who we thought we were. We kind of know who we are now. But everybody seems to be waiting for us to just kind of show up and be who we were. And I, man, I don't know. My kids are awesome. My baby was not even two when his daddy fell and our and now he's nine we've got teenagers kids are incredible yeah not terribly concerned

about them it's for whatever reason it's these people in my life that i don't know how to i love my husband i fell in love with him again like I've been married twice to the same person you know without the divorce papers and all that shit you know stuff sorry um no that's what exactly what it is that's exactly what it is yes it is and and someone told me like five years into it like you could you were with him when he got hurt like you're still with him and I was like yeah you don't you don't leave but I really wanted to sometimes and I don't leave. But I really wanted to sometimes, and I don't now. And so anyway, that's – So here's the thing. Hit me with your best shot.

Yes. So here's the ugly nitty-gritty of it. Okay. Let me just walk you through what happened with my situation and where things stand now, okay? Cool. Yeah. My best friend on planet earth his name is ryan his oldest friend we've been together since we were zero and the weekend after college he graduated college with two degrees and a friend of his ran a stop sign he was hit by a truck carrying porta potties of all things for the guy that we've made fun of

each other more than any other person on planet earth, he got hit by a port-a-potty truck and has never been the same, right? And you know exactly what I'm talking about here. There's something about playing catch, shoving each other in creeks, and trying to catch snakes and frogs and going to baseball games and football games together. And then you transition to changing his diaper. And then you transition to wiping him. Right. And that's another layer of that. I didn't know I had in me. I didn't know he had it in me. Right. And when your best friend on planet earth is in a wheelchair and then you're making jokes and

people are stopping you in a parking lot and they're like, how dare you? And it's like, no, no, no. I know you don't get it. It looks like we're being mean, but we're not. Right. And you've been there. Yeah. Yeah. yeah um and so here's the thing some of us dug in there and hung in and then others it changed the it changed the game for them yeah and i spent a season so angry and hateful and what i realized was that wasn't changing their perspective. They had their own demons they were working through. Being a friend with Ryan can sometimes be really hard, right? And sometimes it can be challenging. And I always double back on it's worth it, right? Those friendships are worth

it. They're super different now, but they're worth it. But I realized I was just poisoning myself, hoping that they would come around. And I was the one that was drowning on that deal. They weren't. And so I had to construct a new normal for me. And my relationship with Ryan is totally different now. He was my confidant. He was the guy that sat me down and was like,

dude, stop messing around with your wife, who was my girlfriend for five years. He's like, what are you doing? Right? And so he was that guy for me. He's not that guy because he's got a different level of cognition. He's got a different level of process, but he still makes me laugh. He's still super insulting, and he still makes fun of me,

probably on a daily basis, right? He still makes me be like, dude, you can't say that out loud, right? He's still there for me, right? He still makes me be like, dude, you can't say that out loud, right? That's still my, that's still, he's still there for me, right? PC, man. Yeah, absolutely not. But all I have to say is this, me waiting for other people to come around was me choosing to drown myself. Yeah. And what I had to do was be grateful for the friendships that we had before, be grateful for those folks who were interested in this new shifting relationship. And at the same time, here's the other part that nobody tells you when you're in grade school, is even if everything was perfect, a chunk of those friends would have peeled off naturally. Sure. Because they have kids and then somebody turns into the weird little league dad. And then you turn into a Cub Scout dad.

And then like, what's wrong with you, video game dad? You suck, right? That just happens. And it turns out that it happened around the moment when your husband had this traumatic brain injury. And so it all gets lumped together for you guys. Here's the thing. I'm going to recommend that you be open and honest and receptive to whoever comes and let the other nonsense go. And it's probably going to be a season of mourning some of those old

friendships. It probably will be. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. No, I've heard you talk about grief after a divorce. I did. I did the ceremonial things that made some people really uncomfortable, but I lost him. You lost him. He's gone, but he's so capable. He's absolutely capable. He's amazing, and he can do so many things. It's not like he doesn't have diapers and wheelchairs. But he's different, right?

He's different. But he's totally different. That's right. And you've heard me say this 20 times on the show. You had to excavate the 9-11 site and build a whole new tower. I love that analogy. That's so helpful. You couldn't sit there and go sweep up all that glass and steel and twisted metal and

pipes and try to rebuild those buildings. You can't do it. You got to clear the whole deck. And that also includes everything in the periphery of your life too. Because your life changed, right? Oh, yeah. Your ride or die friends, they may not want to get on the motorcycle anymore. And the quicker you can get to,

that's cool, it was fun. And move on. And I know that's so hard, right? Because you want to say, hey, if y'all were my real friends, you would fill in the blank. That is only poisoning you. That can't be true.

They just don't know. They don't know. That's right. They don't know. Another thing that's been really helpful is Ryan had a younger brother named Caleb. He still does. And Caleb taught us, here's what we got to do. Here's how you do it.

And they were really informative, really direct. I was lucky that Caleb was our friend for years and years and years too. So I trusted him. He trusted me. And so we just cut through all the crap and here's what we need for some help. His mom, Nita, was like my second mom growing up. And so she cut through the crap and was able to give me some instruction. It gave me firm footing to walk on, so I didn't have to tiptoe. And so some of that was me receiving it, but some of it was the people closest to this, his family, man, they were direct.

It's got to be like this, or he's not getting in your car, right? Yeah, right. We've done some of that. There's no apologies. There's no weirdness. I'm just going direct. And then I'm going about my day because I got this awesome guy. I've got my awesome kids and I've got my awesome life. I hope that you, my friends will choose to be a part of it. And if you don't, I love you. And it's been such a great ride. Here's where y'all get off because we're still going. Cool.

And some of that becomes letting new people that have been sitting on the periphery that would probably be close friends to you, let them, I was almost going to say let them bloom because it's springtime here, but that sounded too cheesy even for me. It's true. They move in. Like the people that we met after his accident, I don't mind hanging out with them because they invite me. They don't expect him to come. It's his social limitations. Like it's totally overwhelmed with more than three or four people in a room. So you guys want to come for dinner? No, actually, you know, we can't. So quit asking. But my new friends say, hey, you want to catch a drink after work with me? And it's like they get it, you know? That's right. They understand it. So I think you're right. I know this.

I just probably needed to hear it. And I want other people to hear this. That's right. Because there's not a lot of help for this. A lot of people think he's a vet because he's 42. He's not. It's not military. It's an accident.

But there's a lot of people suffering with this, and no one a resource that i know it's bigger than tbi it happens with divorces right like what do we do now right or when somebody emerges like they come out in a friend group and they're like hey i've never told anybody this but i was abused when i was 11 by this uncle and here we are and then everyone freezes and they don't know what to do. And some people double down and can lean into that discomfort. And some people can double down and they don't know how to lean into discomfort and they get really weird and they say awkward, weird, mean, dumb things, but they don't mean it because they're just trying. And then other people fade out.

And for whatever reason, I'm going to assume they've got their own trauma, their own demon, their own things going on. I'm not going to judge them. I'm not going to blame them because that is energy I'm wasting. And they don't get that. If they want to step out, awesome. If somebody wants to lean in and say something, I'll be like, hey, dude, we don't say that around me and my friends.

Cool. And we're moving on, right? Yeah, and then we move on, yeah. And so it happens with all types of trauma all over the place. And what I want to encourage people that are listening, I love that your heart is you want to learn but also want to be a resource for other people. Life is full of super weird, awkward, hard, ugly, messy, gross, terrible things. You can never go wrong by leaning and saying, hey, what's the right way to say this? You can never go wrong by leaning and saying,

it looks like things are really hard. What's the way I could help? What we want to do is take our one tool that we have in our bag, which happens to be a hammer or a screwdriver, and just start whacking everything with it, hoping it will help, right? Instead of saying... It makes us feel better. It does.

It does. It makes us feel better to help someone. I do have a group of friends that have been like, they say about Job's friends where some just sat with him. That's it. In his grief. That's it in his grief didn't say anything i have those friends i have those people and and and that is priceless and i want to be that i want to tell you this tamra my you are a virtuous extraordinary human for saying come hell or high water i'm i'm chained to this dude we're gonna figure it out i want to tell you if if if if when you sit down to write that book i'd be stunned if you don't backtrack reverse engineer what happened in those people that just were willing to come sit with a

glass of wine and just be there if that doesn't become the foundation by which you were able to anchor in and love this guy and have to redate and relearn a guy that looked an awful lot like the old guy, right? Yep. And smelled an awful lot like the old guy, but he says weird crap. What are you doing, right? Yeah. Yeah.

He likes goldfish and cats. That was not the guy I'm hearing. Listen, Tamara, you got to draw the line at cats enough. Well, I know that they are outdoor, at least. Good for you. I'm glad to see you're not getting run over. No, I'm going to write the book. I'm going to do it someday.

And I just have to let my light shine because it's just about me. If I make it to the end of every day and I collapse in bed because I kept my tiny little world together, that's not enough for me, man. Yeah. It's about, hey, here's where you are. You're on the back end, which is stage, is it six? You're finding meaning. What's the purpose of this, right?

Yes, yes. Where can we begin to light some candles and turn some floodlights on in other dark parts of the world, right? And that's where you are, Tamara. Your heart is gold, man. And I'm so glad you're out there having that conversation, having that communication. When there's a tragedy, right, and when there is ugliness and when there's heartbreak and when there's brokenness, we often look on that isolated situation.

How is that person's wife? How is that person's kids? How is that person's job? And we forget the periphery those things are like have concentric circles that just come out from them and out and out and out and that pain spreads and so anybody listening if you know somebody who's hurting if you've been hurt and it's weird and it's awkward lean into the weird and awkward and say the words this is weird and awkward i don't know what to do but i want to be here here. How can I serve you? How can I just show up?

You can hardly ever go wrong with a bag of Cheetos and a glass of wine. Almost never, unless they're recovering from alcohol, recovering alcoholic. And then don't bring wine because then you're an idiot, right? But you can still show up with Cheetos or a box of Little Debbie's or if they're keto. I don't know whether they show up with a bag of meat or something. I don't know. But showing up with food and showing up with just your presence and saying, hey, I'm just going to sit down and watch Seinfeld and then I'm going to head out. Showing up and showing up.

Asking somebody not can I come do the thing I want to do to help you but how can I be a resource for you? Tamara, your light is bright and I'm so grateful that my kids are growing up in a world where you exist and you're about healing other people through your own pain and trauma.

Good for you. And thanks for setting an example for your kids on what a relationship looks like, what sickness and health actually looks like, man. That's inspiring. It's awesome. All right, let's go to Amanda in Atlanta. What's up, Amanda? How we doing?

Hey, John. I'm good. How are you today? Just rocking on to the break of dawn yo how can i help i gotta tell you first i am a ride or die tribe member i have listened to every episode but me and your mom are basically like best friends y'all are hey she actually wrote this morning she's like hey john your show kind of sucks i'm out so it's just like it's just like you like last six or seven that's gonna be it man so yeah well i'll take it so. That's going to be it, man. Yeah, well, I'll take it.

What's going on? How can I help? Yeah, yes, I'm a schoolteacher, and I've been March tired since November. Well, I used to teach school too, so I get what you're saying. You know what that means. Yes.

For those of you who don't know what March tired is, it's when you wake up every day and think, I'm pretty much dead, and I got to go to work and be there at 620 so that I can do tutoring. So then I can do hold past duty. So then I can actually teach my class and then grade the papers and call the mean parents back and listen to stupid administrators and then go home and repeat. Oh, I'm sorry. No, then go do bus duty and then go grade all the papers.

And then it's 730 and I call whoever I love at home and say, I'm not coming home because I hate my life. And then I'm going to repeat. That's the March. So go ahead. Go ahead, Amanda. Okay. So I've heard you talk to other teachers about how to offload your bricks and all that kind of stuff. My question is a little different.

I like to tell people we can do a lot in March and April because we know June and July is coming. You know, the natural rhythm of offloading as a season is right around the corner. You know, we've got spring break coming and then graduation and then summer. But the problem is the hope of that break isn't there because we're in this COVID season. And so, you know, the goal line keeps moving.

You know, first it was two weeks, then it was six weeks, then it was the election somehow was going to make it all better. And then once we get past flu season, you know, then it'll all die back down. And now we're past flu season and now there's this vaccine. But wait a minute, it's not available for kids yet. And so it's like the goalpost that gives us hope that this is going to be over soon keeps moving. And we're seeing, I mean, I'm high school, so we're seeing like tragedy after tragedy. I mean, you know, kids just dropping out. And I feel like I'm not trying to belittle by any means the nursing profession, but I feel like I'm losing patient after patient because you lay yourself out there for these kids.

You're accommodating. You're these kids. You're accommodating, you're pushing deadlines, you're giving them retry after retry, you're, you know, accommodations, this and that and the other. And then they still go, no, I'm good. I'll see y'all next year, you know, or I'm out. I'm going to do something different. For me, I'm a career and technical educator. So I teach business and finance and how to get a job and communication. And so I feel like my classes are giving some kind of hope to the kids because they can walk out the door and go get a job and do something right now, but I have, you know, I feel a little bit of this, my faculty members feel a little bit of this, and I just don't know what to do.

You're burnt out, yo. Yeah. Well, and like Ken Coleman says, I don't feel like it's it's built it's build up no it's not there's nowhere to put it because there's no end in sight and even our high achieving kids are are losing faith in themselves because you know our ap kids are high achievers they're getting ready for college well i don't want to go to college because it's all virtual now that's not what i signed up for yep yeah so now they're not ready for college. Well, I don't want to go to college because it's all virtual now. That's not what I signed up for. Yep, yeah.

And so now they're not even showing up. And so, I mean, I just don't know what to do. So Kelly told me this call was coming, and I actually, I've got a, there's a relatively new book out, and it's called Burnout, the Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski. And her sister wrote it too with Emily Nagoski and Amelia. But she's a health educator, and she paints burnout in a picture that I haven't heard her paint it before. And it was this idea of – it's three parts, emotional exhaustion, this fatigue for caring for everybody for too long.

And then this depersonalization, like I'm just out. I don't have any more empathy or care or compassion left in my body. And then this was the big one, this decreased sense of accomplishment, this futility. It doesn't matter what I'm doing. They're just going to drop out, right? And so here's the challenge with that. Some of that is real and some of it's not. And it begins to paint.

When you go looking for dragons in the clouds, you're always going to find them. You're always going to be able to find a dragon in a cloud, whether it's actually there or not. The more you go looking for dragons, the more're always going to find them. You're always going to be able to find a dragon in a cloud, whether it's actually there or not. The more you go looking for dragons, the more you're going to find dragons. And that begins to loop because then you get more and more disconnected. It just becomes futile, which then you get more emotionally exhausted, and it just spins on itself, right? So here's a broader question.

What are other things you like doing besides teaching? And I'm going to loop all the way back around to your students. I'll get there. But what do you like doing besides teaching? Is that rhetorical or are you asking me? No, that's a straight up question. Oh, I love going to the gym. Just exercising usually. Are you a CrossFitter? Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes. No, I'm an ex-professional athlete. just exercising usually. Are you a CrossFitter? Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes. No, I'm an ex-professional athlete.

I'm a weightlifter. Okay, sweet. Awesome. So you care about your joints and things like that? Good for you. Okay. I try. Yeah, there you go.

So you like going to the gym. What are parts of, okay, forget the outcomes. By the way, we'll just cut to it. You have tied your heart and soul to the outcome here. And one of the challenges of teaching is, I think, is they put these short-sighted metrics on the relationship between a teacher and their students. Can they bubble in the right 13 answers on this 14-answer test, this quiz, that says they can X, Y, and Z when it comes to chemistry or industrial tech or fill in the blank, whatever subject we're talking about. And in my estimation, that demeans and belittles and reduces the relationship between a teacher and a student, between care and love and wonder with a subject to this. Can you get to

this stage so I can put you in this track to get you to this room so you can get to that thing? And we've just sucked the soul out of education. We've made it this big ROI. It's nonsense what we've done to it. And so stripping all the outcomes away, what do you love about teaching? Why are you even doing this job? You clearly care about those kids. Why are you doing this? Yeah, I mean, for me in my content area, it's listening to them open their first bank account or helping them fill out their application for their first job or hearing the shenanigans

about why they got fired from their first job and how can we fix that? You can actually be employed later. Like I know that what I'm teaching is going to help them in their lifetime, regardless of what they plan to do, you know? And, and it's hard because on one hand we hear a voice going, they're kids, they need boundaries. They need to be held accountable no matter what. I know we can do it. I know they can do it. And then you have this whole other voice going, but it's a pandemic. Give them a break. And intellectually, anybody who's looking at this from the outside knows there's going to be a decade more of fallout from this last 18 months. I mean, it's just going to be... If you want to create, if you wanted to create a way to torture a generation of children, besides murdering their parents, it would be to lock them in a room and have them stare at a screen for a calendar year with no human interaction.

Yeah, we've done it. And we're going to live with it for years and years and years. I'm not saying it's the wrong thing. I'm saying there's going to be fallout for years and years and years from this. They will remember this. And having to retrain students how to do school again. That's right. How to be in community with one another, how to sit there and be connected. Yes,

it's going to be hard. It's going to be hard. Here's the thing though. When you're burnt out and you're fried, what you start doing is looking for the next dragon and the next dragon and the next dragon. And what you're doing now is you're taking on the pain and future frustration of kids experiences a decade from now. And you're dragging that pain in the future frustration of kids experiences a decade from now. And you're dragging that pain in the future that may or may not exist. And you are setting it in your soul right now. Does that make sense? And you're carrying whether they're going to be able to get a job tomorrow and what they're going to do at the end of this thing. And what's July going to look like?

We've been coming back in the fall. You've got all these things down the road that because you're exhausted and because you are completely burnt out you have no empathy or care left and dude i'm with you i'm exhausted right um and because you feel like a cog in a futile machine okay cool let's just throw it online because that's the same right the the natural thing you start doing is running on a treadmill and just trying to grab future pain and future pain and future pain and grab it and pull it and drag it. And so here's the thing you've got to do. You've got to back way the heck up.

Forget about the bricks. You've got to back up and say, I've got to be okay so that I can head back into this. Because what you just told me is I love interacting with these students. I love hearing about what they want to do when they fell on their face. I'm there to either laugh at them when they're trying to crawl up or I help pick them up and dust them off. Or both.

Both of them, right? And I love it when they get their first job. I love it when they have a place to go after they get fired from their second job, right? That's who you are, man. You can't fully be that when you're carrying future pain a decade down the road that doesn't exist yet. And the only way to not go down that road, and I'm talking as somebody who has been there. I had to leave a university and take a break because I kept doing that. These kids are going to be, this is going to be, the future of this is going to be.

I got lost in tomorrow and I was unable to be effective in my today. And what happened was I burned everyone out around me. I stopped doing the things that I loved because I was too busy trying to prevent the things that were going to happen down the road, right? And so, Dr. Snogoski, one of the things that, here's the three things they say, and I love the way they say it because they're writing to women in this book, by the way. It's great for men too, but they're writing to women. We'll put links to the show notes here.

They say rest is resistance for a professional woman who's trying to help other people. This idea that I have to unplug and take a break. Especially as a teacher, I cannot chain the outcomes of young people to my identity, to my day-to-day functioning, or you'll drown, right? The second one is, how often, have you stopped going to the gym? Are you still getting there? Oh, no. I'm going every four days a week. Good. Okay. So, another big one is, you got to move your body. Movement is resistance. So good for you. Is there a way that that has become, weightlifting has become an addiction? Meaning, is it time to go just for walks?

Is it time to pick up running? Do something else that's going to stretch your body and challenge you in new ways that are going to also be able to help decompress and get the same cardiovascular and physical and structural benefits? I've been in that space before, but I don't think I'm there now. Okay. All right. So there's been times when I have to go to the gym, not I get to go to the gym. Oh yeah, for sure. Okay. And then finally, you circling back and remembering why you're doing what you're doing and what you love about it. And here's a cool benefit. My wife is, she's a, she's a coach. She works with teachers and she's for years, she's been a professor who worked with

teachers and pre-service teachers. And now she works with teachers who are burned out and fried and cooked. And one of the things she always challenges them to say, what are the parts of teaching that you love? And how can you do more of that? What are the parts of teaching that you hate? And how can you do less of that? What do the parts of teaching that you hate? And how can you do less of that? What do you think? Give me one of each. What's something you love that you could do more of? Hmm.

Honestly, I just miss the conversations with the kids. I mean, my content's so everyday. And I miss them when they're not there, you know, and they're not there. And I can't make it. I have a student I haven't seen in three weeks, but she hasn't withdrawn yet. It's like I worry about them when they're gone. Do they have a daily journal that they write that you read and write back to them, back and forth to one another? No.

Okay, so starting Monday, it's going to be a small writing prompt that you're going to give them and say, I want to know three things like how you're doing. What are you excited about? And what are you terrified about? And that's a way that you can engage them, whether they're in class or out of class, they're going to keep coming back to this thing, especially because you're going to respond to each and every one of those. And it's going to be a little more time, but it's the thing that you love. Sure. You love hearing their stories. That's what you love.

What's something you hate about all this? Grading papers. There you go. So here's the thing. I'm giving you on behalf of the students and teachers of America, I'm giving you a pass. Give less work. We're all about the psychological stuff at this point, especially with what you're doing, right? You're preparing people's hearts and minds for the workforce. And so, yeah, figure out a way to give less work.

No student has ever been said that their teacher came in and was like, you know what? We're not doing papers anymore. We're going to do this, right? That's true. And so find the things that you love. Do more of them. Create avenues for conversation. I loved the the my wife actually

taught me that exercise she did it with her students and i started with my graduate students and it ended up being magic how's today what are you grateful for what things are going awesome and what scares the crap out of you about tomorrow and reading those and writing i got to learn deeper about my students got to learn more and shape my class in a pretty profound way but also i'm like you i just love hearing people's stories. I don't care if you're a plumber or a fancy pants. I just like hearing stories. So I'm going to set that up.

And I, like you, I hate grading papers. So I'm going to only give one paper a semester because I hate grading papers, right? I'm going to do the things that- I beg to hire, I beg them to let me hire a graduate assistant, but they won't let me do it. Yeah, they'll never let you do that. Not a high school teacher. Hey, so let me, let me say this, okay?

Let me end this with this. You cannot solve a pandemic's worth of psychological issues in your students. It's too big. If you're a nurse, if you're a teacher, if you're an HR representative, if you are fill hold the weight, the psychological, the physical, the emotional, the spiritual weight of the people in your presence that you're responsible for. In this case, you cannot solve the current, soon to be, and way in the future psychological challenges of the pandemic with these young people. You can't hold all that. What you can do is love everybody in your circle really well right now. And that starts with you being well. And I love what Nagatsuki's sisters say,

wellness is not a state of being, it's an action. It's a thing you do, right? It is resting. It is moving your body. It is remembering why you're doing what you're doing and what you're doing and how you're doing it. And how can I maximize the things that I love and how can I minimize the things that I hate? And then how can I hose my boots off when I get home, go inside the house, be with the people I love, and then go to bed, right? And begin that process of I can't fix it. I can't fix it all. It's not all weighing on me. It's not all weighing on me. It's not all weighing on me.

And then you start aiming back into sleep, right? Check out this book. We'll link to it in the show notes. Burnout, The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle with Nagoski Sisters. It's incredible. It's a good read. And thank you so much, Amanda, for your heart, who you are as a teacher, who you are as a human being, and what you're trying to do.

And I want you to hear me say, you've been caring for these students for 18 months. You've been caring for these students for a long, long time. Now it's time to stop, stop, stop. Keep caring for them. Care for them today. And caring for them today starts with you caring for you. You caring for them today starts with you caring for you. You caring for you. You getting a gang of people that are in your community that you love

and that y'all walk through this thing together. And then when you feel yourself starting to stress about what's going to happen 10 years from now or five years from now or this time next year, we're going to just stop and say, not my circus. I can't do anything about what's going to happen 10 years from now. I can only take care of me right now. I can only love my students right now. Bring yourself back. Bring yourself back. You're going to happen 10 years from now. I can only take care of me right now. I can only love my students right now. Bring yourself back.

Bring yourself back. You're going to practice this over and over. You're going to practice it. I just hit the microphone. Sorry. You're going to practice it over and over and over. You're going to get better and better at it. Thank you so much for your heart.

All right. Let's see here, dude. Let's take one more call. Let's go to Alex in Los Angeles, California. What's up, Alex? How can I help? What's up, Dr. John? How are you? in Los Angeles, California. What's up, Alex? How can I help? What's up, Dr. John? How are you?

I'm good, brother. How are you, man? I'm living the dream. That's very cool, man. I'm grabbing a drink of water here. My voice is going away. So what's up, dude? How can I help?

So I had to write this down because I'm like super ADD. Welcome to the party, brother. Me too. Oh, yeah. It's a joy. Welcome to the party, brother. Me too. Oh, yeah. It's a joy. So what's up, man? I put down basically. So over the years, I have become more and more of an introvert.

And I don't know if it's like who I am and just to be okay with it or if it's something I'm doing as like a self-preservation tool. What do you think? I bounce back and forth because I find myself wanting to go out with people and hang out and do things, and I also find myself like, I'd rather go home and just sit with my dog. So do they have to be mutually exclusive? Can you be doing both?

Well, a lot of times it's because I go out like with my friends at church when i do go out so i can't really bring my puppy to church no so what i'm saying is is it mutually exclusive can you becoming a little more introverted as you get older and wiser and tired or more exhausted and you're also choosing to do different things with your life withdrawing a little bit just because it's easier can you be doing both of those things i'd say that's a possibility um so i know what is it about this stuff that's that's making you uncomfortable like why the call because like i found myself i want to create a community uh with people especially with this

past year has like really kind of reinforced it with me yeah and getting people together and just loving everyone despite our differences on whatever the case may be and but it's like sometimes it's like okay you guys will be a community and i'm gonna go home and not be a part of it anymore go to bed that's right i'm gonna talk about it. I'm going to go to bed. That's right. I'm going to talk about it and then I'm going to go to sleep. That's right. I'm an Instagram social justice warrior, right? We're going to all get together and party and we're all going to have our differences and good night.

Right? Exactly. Hey, I've got a very similar predisposition, Alex. So anytime somebody tells me they want to develop a community with an outcome attached to it, my first thought is that community is probably going to fail. Okay. If somebody tells me I want to develop a community because I want to get out there, I want to meet new people. I want the experience of hanging out.

I know that it's going to help me. It's going to help me be well. It's going to help me in all sorts of physical ways and mental ways and physiological ways. If somebody tells me that, awesome. It's going to have some legs on it. If somebody says, I want to get a group of people together because we're going to, man, that's probably going to run out of gas. It'll either run out of gas 30 years from now when you quit the group or fall down dead or it's just going to run out of gas because you're going to be propping it up

because it's outcome based so I would rather you say I just want to get a group of people because I like being with them here's a rule I had to make for myself I love love love love hanging out with people. It's one of my favorite things in the world to do.

And I'm an introvert. I like to withdraw. When I get exhausted, I withdraw. I like going home and just sitting with my kids and the chickens and being out on the moon, right? So I have a rule that if there's something going on that I know I would love to do, and my first thought is, I just want to go home and go to bed, I have to go. So if I'm leaving work and somebody texts and says, hey, we're getting the fights tomorrow. Are you coming? And my first thought is, dude,

I just want to go to bed. My rule is I got to go because I know it's the right thing for me. I've never gone to the fights with good friends that I love and love being around or gone to some wacky pool hall to watch the fights, and it's like, what? This thing may go down at any moment. I've never done that and regretted it, not one time. I have gone home and gone to bed. I don't necessarily regret it, but I miss that community, right?

And for me, if you're like me, Alex, if I do it once and I'll do it again, I'll do it again, suddenly I'll look up and it'll be a month and I haven't hung out with anybody. Yeah. Is that you? Oh, yeah. That's been part of the challenge

is getting back into society because I went through a really hard breakup. There you go. I completely withdrew from everybody and everything. And then when I picked my head up, everyone was kind of dispersed and gone there you go so here's what i want to challenge you with we don't talk use this word very often with relationships because it sounds gross but it is what it is and that's where we're

at and that's the word i'm going to use as as um the world opens back up in these wonky fits and starts and opens and shuts and all that stuff. As it does that, as it's going to do, and friends who have scattered and found new friends. And I talked to somebody this morning on the radio that just went and got married. I mean, people have just done things during this season, right? Yeah. As it comes back together, I want you to keep this word in your head. I'm going to practice friendship again. I'm in your head. I'm going to practice friendship

again. I'm going to practice. I'm going to stumble through this. I'm going to fail. I'm going to be awkward. I'm going to be weird. I'm going to get a group of people together. And as soon as they all show up, I'm going to think, I don't want to be here. I want to be at home, but I'm going to stay. I'm going to make jokes. I'm going to laugh. And also, if I get a group of people together and I just cannot go today, I'm going to call them back. Hey, guys, I'm super sorry. I know I set this up. I can't make it today.

I'll be there next time. And they'll all text me like, oh, you're so lame. You're what a loser. You're an idiot. I'll be like, I know. I'm an idiot. It's cool. Shake it off.

I'll be there next time. And if they're your gang, they'll be there next time. And they'll make fun of you. Hey, remember last time you didn't show up? And you'll be like, yeah, that was super lame. I just didn't have it, man. And then we're going to go again, and then we're going to go watch the fights, and we're going to go watch the movie, or we're going to go sing the songs,

or whatever it is we're going to do. But here's the thing. It's not going to be something you can just waltz and sprint back into, especially, brother, you're coming off some heartbreak, right? Yeah. The last big relationship you had hurt you. So your brain's got a vested interest in keeping you away from other people because they hurt.

And your body has a vested interest in you getting around people because that's the only way to be well. Okay. Does that make sense? No, it doesn't. It makes perfect sense. I just, it's like you said, putting it back into practice. Hey, being an introvert, dude,

is awesome. It's annoying too sometimes. I wish I could go out and be like, hey, putting it back into practice. Hey, being an introvert, dude, is awesome. It's annoying too sometimes. I wish I could go out and be like, hey, everybody, woo-hoo. Sometimes I just don't have it. And so I go and I hang out and I have a few deep conversations in the corner. I go for an hour and then I leave. But there's something about that ritual, that practice, that showing up and that showing up and that showing up. And then sometimes I go, man, and the wheels come off. And we laugh

and I'm loud and I'm silly and ridiculous. And they're loud and they're like, dude, you are an idiot. And we all have a good time and then we get up and do it again the next time. But it's a practice. And I want to encourage you to, when you have those moments, like, hey, all the guys,

all the girls, everybody's getting together, I think I'm just going to go sit with my dog. It sounds like you're telling me you want to be out with your buddies, but you have that pool to go be with your dog. Go be with your buddies, even when it's uncomfortable. Be the first guy to say, this is super weird. I'd rather be hanging out with my pet, but I knew I should come meet you. Be that guy, right?

Yeah. But go first, okay? Go first. If nothing else, go first and have your friends over to your place. Tell everybody to bring whatever weird leftover gizmo they've got in their meal, they've got in their kitchen. Bring them over, dude. And start small.

That sounds feasible. Hey, it super is, and it's going to be weird. And be the first guy to be like, well, I was awkward. And appoint somebody. Next time we're hanging out at your house because I just screwed this up. And listen, man, you're still good. You're still Alex from Los Angeles, California, right? Yeah.

You're still going to be good. You're still worth hanging out. You're still worth having a community. So will you commit to America? And by America, I mean like 18 listeners. Will you admit to America or commit that you're going to get a gang? You're going to get together with some friends this weekend? Yes, I will.

Yeah, that's awesome, Alex. Good for you, brother. Thank you so much for the call. Everybody is going to be feeling weird in this deal. I saw the UFC that's going to Florida that's the first sporting event back. It gets sold out in eight seconds, whatever it is. Fastest sellout in history, whatever. There's going to be those people.

I am sprinting back as fast as I can. I'm throwing my mask in the air like a Diet Coke commercial, and I'm just going to be running in slow-mo to the next thing. And there's going to be those who are like, I'm going out. And they open the front door, and they're like, nope. And they're shutting the door back. Everybody's going to have to be graceful with one another. There is no right or wrong way to do this other than to remember you got to have community, however weird and wonky that looks for you. And you got gotta practice that community

because we don't know what we're doing right now. We're gonna stumble and trip and fall and screw up and be idiots and be silly and say the wrong things. And we're gonna have to forgive and be graceful and then go again and go again and go again. And Alex, you're a brave, bold man for giving me a shout.

I appreciate it. Go get them, go get them, go get them. All right, so as we wrap up today's show, dude, Fitzgerald's in Houston. Back in the day, they had this awesome show. It was called You Ain't Punk, and all the cool local Houston punk bands would get together and play songs, a whole set from another famous punk band. This is the first time I heard this and I remember

the song. Then I got hooked on them. This is from their 1985 album The Descendants. The album is called I Don't Want to Grow Up. It's one of the greatest punk bands ever. They're so good, man. Their key changes, their time signature, they're just good, man.

They're a lot of fun. Off the I Don't Want to Grow Up album, it's a great romantic love song. It's an awkward love song just like deloney would have been in middle school and it goes like this it's called silly girl started on a summer sunday pink dress on a setting sun you were going to grandma's house i was too scared to come silly girl i'm begging you tell me all the things i want to hear. Silly girl, I'm in love with you. And I had to run to get you. You always move so fast with your cute little smile and a silly laugh. God gave me love at last.

And they said, just stay away. And now I wish I had. I'm so in love with you, my silly girl. And they made me go away. Sometimes life just isn't fair. But I'll be back someday. I hope you'll still be there. And when you're just a silly boy like me, you're always so scared. And now I'm just out't fair. But I'll be back someday. I hope you'll still be there. And when you're just a silly boy like me,

you're always so scared. And now I'm just out of luck. And I wonder if you ever cared. Oh, silly girl, I'm begging you. Don't stop being nice to me. Oh, silly girl. This is a song I would have written because I was the worst date ever.

This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.