The Dr. John Delony Show - A Violent Heroin Addict Has Moved In Next Door

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

On today’s show, an overwhelmed mom (who’s also studying for the bar exam!) asks how to take care of herself in a crazy season. Then, we hear from a woman uncomfortable with the violent heroin addict who moved in next door, a recovering alcoholic on the brink of losing his marriage a second time, and from Dr. John about what depression really is. Lyrics of the Day: "I Hate You" - Anderson East Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.v

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I am now in my third week of me and my wife being separated for the second time. I wasn't sticking to the AA meetings that she asked me to do. Normally, it's not the alcohol. It's the person you become when you drink. Woo! What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us.

God, I don't know why I'm yelling. It's a pretty normal, chill day. Happy to see you. That's what it is. I'm happy to see you. Happy to be talking with you. Hope you're doing well. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. What you guys get when it comes to a finished product is not at all. Like, I'm just not that good.

And you're like, well, I don't think you're good anyway. Agreed. But you don't see what it really looks like before Sarah, the editing guru back there, gets on it. And I don't know why. I used to say diarrhea a lot, and I don't because Kelly would just bow her head in sadness. And so the word, okay, this is how it works. My head's talking and the words I'm going to say to a given situation head out the building. And then there's a filter that says you can't say that in public.

Or it says like your grandmother will come back from the grave and haunt you if those words leave your mouth. And so there's just like a stockpile of words over here on the side that automatically just insert themselves. And I don't know how those words get there. But for some reason, when something drives me crazy, I don't, I've never had, I don't think, I don't think so. I don't think you would know. Do you know if you have hemorrhoids? I don't think I've had them. Anyway, I'm looking at the booth and they booth, and everyone's putting their head down like, dude, we're not going to talk about hemorrhoids together. And there's the family.

Hey. But when something drives me crazy, I start to say something that's inappropriate, and then it just comes out. It just gives me hemorrhoids. And so right before the show, we were talking about a segment that Sarah has edited. She's just a master at making me look coherent, which again, you're getting that product that's finished,

right? You should just see it beforehand. And I just said, you were like, you were this shows preparation age. And I meant that as a great compliment, it did not, it's not a compliment the way I said it. So I'm going to retract that

you're not preparation age. You're an extraordinary editor. And I'm glad that you're in our gang. Is that a better way to say that? There you go. Way to go, everybody. Listen, just as this is a friendly tip from John to you, from me to you. If somebody in your life does something great and you turn to compliment them and your compliment is going to be, you are an anti-itch cream. Come up with a different way to honor somebody. And for sure, I'm getting Sarah a shirt that just says, I am prayer person H, and I just want her to explain that to her neighborhood. All right, let's go to Lauren in Salt Lake City. No more talking about hemorrhoids. What's up, Lauren?

Hey, Dr. John. I'm excited to be talking to you and hopefully not about hemorrhoids. Oh, thank God. Right when I said that, I looked up to see what the call was about just because who knows on this show? Who knows? All right, good. I am not qualified to talk about hemorrhoids. How about that? So what's up? So I'm wondering in a really busy season of life, how do I figure out which mental health and relationship practices and habits I should prioritize and which ones I should temporarily let go of a little bit? That's a great question. So tell me some more about that. What season of life are you in? There's a few things. I'm studying for the bar.

Oh, gosh. Hey, stop right there. Stop right there. Nothing. Everything else goes away. That's hard. How far along? When do you take the exam?

Is it about a month away? Yeah, it's end of July. So like six weeks away. Okay. So when this episode comes out, it's end of July. So like six weeks away. Okay. So when we're, when this episode comes out, it'll be right before you take the bar. Right.

Okay. So I've had a ringside seat to that. That's a lot. What else? I have, we have two children. One of them is two years old. One of them is two months old.

Oh my, what are you doing? What are you doing? That's fantastic. Okay. So you is two years old, one of them is two months old. Oh, my. What are you doing? What are you doing? That's fantastic. Okay, so you got two maniacs. It's a great time to be studying for the bar. What else? Yeah, that's pretty much it.

My husband works full-time. I'm dealing with symptoms of postpartum depression. And a lot of the things that my therapist and my midwife recommend are similar things to what you recommend on this show, like making time for yourself, getting exercise, getting sleep, all of those good things. But I feel like I'm not giving myself a fair shot because I just don't have time to do every single one.

And I need to figure out, like, which ones are most important. Gotcha. Okay. I love, love, love this question. Here are three. I'm going to, I'm rattling these things off. Here are three things that guide that choice for me. Okay.

And I'll walk you through each of them. And then we can get real specific about your situation. The first one is data. And I didn't believe this, but the truth is what you want to improve or what you want to change, you got to measure it. And for instance, I'm using my friend, Dr. Lane Norton's Carbon app, C-A-R-B-O-N. I have no affiliation with it. I got no nothing with it other than it's an app to help you lose weight, an app to help you gain control of your food. And it's incredible because I thought I was super attuned to my body.

I thought I was super attuned to what my body needed. It turns out I was off by about 1,500 calories a day. I just was way off and I was wrong. And I only know that because of data. I wore one of those heart rate variability devices for a while. It was great for me. I'd wake up and be like, dude, I crushed it last night, a great night of sleep. And it would say, hey, you need to go back to bed. Do not work out today. And other days I woke up thinking, man, I'm overwhelmed. And it would say, hey, your body is primed, ready to rock and roll. Go run 10 miles. And so data is really important. Sometimes if you don't have

devices, data can be just as simple as getting a note card and writing down, here's the things I want to get done today. Here's things I need to get done today. And just checking them off. Am I doing the things that I need to get done today? Okay, so that's number one Number two is other people And it sounds like that's one that is important for you I am a terrible judge of my own emotional state sometimes I can feel like i'm in a great mood and my wife will tell me Hey, you're not okay and you're heading into a season that i've seen before How can I how what do you need from me in this season?

Because I see where we're going. And I don't like that. When my buddies call me, I'm like, hey, man, we've checked out a couple of things or I'm worried about you. Like those things drive me crazy, but also it's a great data point that I don't have. And then the third one is over time listening to my body and not trying to fight myself all the time. What I mean by that is there's some days I just need to sleep. Yesterday, I had a big workout planned and I woke up and I've been on the road

and before that I was on the road and before that I was on the road and what I needed a lot yesterday was two more hours of sleep. So I stayed in bed and I have to deal with the shame of that and the you loser and whatever and Instagram's gonna say grind it up, all that stuff. But I need to sleep. And I ended up having a much, much better day.

You see what I'm saying there? So those are the three things that get me through, that help me decide which things I need to be doing, whether it's resting, whether it's meditating, whether it's getting with people and hanging out with people, whether it's eating better, whatever the thing is, exercising. So I tell you all that to tell you this, your body does not do a good job of differentiating between physical stress and psychological stress. That's why hard charging CEOs will work 14 hour days and then they want to run a marathon on top of that and they just drop dead. Or their physiological age is 65 and their physical age, like their birthday, is they're only 42 years old. And so what I would tell you is you are in two of the most stressful situations a human being can put themselves in other than a wartime or a,

like a police officer getting shot at, and you're doing them all at the same time. And that is having two kids, two or under and taking the bar. Do you recognize how hard that is? I think so. I think you do intellectually. I don't think you fully wrapped your head around how stressed your body actually

is. Tell me I'm crazy. I don't think you're crazy. Okay. My guess is you are a great law student and you are looking around at all of your classmates taking this exam. And so you just think, okay, we'll just keep walking. And you've got two little kids and you've got some friends who are parents of young kids. Anyway, you're just taking the next step and the next step. I need you to just acknowledge, just for a minute, you are under extraordinary stress.

Cool? Yeah, I think that's fair. And you said something that I want to lean into. And that is this. Your husband's working full time. Is he available to help out? Are you having to do all this by yourself? I mean, other than like being at work eight to five, he's great. I mean, the minute he gets home, he's like either playing with the kids or cleaning.

Like he doesn't really have much time to himself either because he's like picking up all the things that I'm not doing. Okay. So here's what I would suggest. Exercise is going to look different for you right now. I'm going to tell you it's really important that you move your body. I'm going to tell you that it's really important for you to get outside if you at all can. But I'm also going to tell you don't go running. Don't go run 10 miles. I think you should walk a lot. If you're going to lift weights, do it for 20 minutes and do it light. Okay? Get out and move your body. You don't need to add, quote unquote, more stress. Exercise, what you want that to do right now is to help cycle through those stress hormones that are pumping through your body right now. Because your body knows if you've got to pass the bar, you've got to pass the bar, you've got to pass the bar.

And your body knows, got two little kids, got two little kids, right? See what I'm saying? And so I want exercise to be something that helps. Sleep is just going to be hard to come by. Where I see new moms get buried with the sleep issue is they get anxious and stressed out about how little sleep they're getting. You see what I'm saying?

Because I'm supposed to get nine. I'm supposed to get eight hours. I'm supposed to get seven hours. I'm supposed to get eight hours. And that stress is on top of the fact that they're only getting sleep every two hours, right? And so I'd give yourself a break on, I'm just in a funky season right now

where I've got a two-month-old and a two-year-old. And I heard this advice with my friend, Cassie, and she's brilliant at helping students pass the bar. And her slogan was this, let it suck once. Does that ring a bell with you? Yeah. Yes. I just, I don't know. does that ring a bell with you? yeah I just I don't know I just want I feel bad

because I feel like I've been saying that the whole time I've been in law school and I just I want my relationships with my kids my husband to survive this season they will you're at the finish line. I'm asking you this with all sincerity.

Are you going to pass the bar? Yeah. Okay. I think you are too. And what that means is there's a finish line coming up here in about 30 days or 45 days. Here's what would be a great thing for you

is to sit down with your husband and that y'all can do it tonight after you get the little for you is to sit down with your husband and that y'all can do it tonight after you get the little ones to bed. Sit down with your husband and say, all right, we got 45 days to go. Here's what I need. And I need the next 45 days to be all about me and look at him and say,

you have been unbelievable through all of this. We got 45 more days to go and you're going to get your wife back. Actually, let's do 50 days because you're going to need a break too. Hope you'll have a vacation or something playing on the back end of this thing, which by the way, won't be a vacation because you have a three month old at that point, right? And so you're going to do the best we can. Maybe parents can come in, whatever. But I want you to map out, here's what I need. I need help with meals. I need help with bedtime, all those things that he does,

but I want it down on paper so that your body can relax, okay? And if you have to call in some reinforcements, if you have to hire somebody to help out for the next 30, 45 days, as you get through this last kick at the end, do that, okay? Spend the money that, even if you don't got, spend the money, figure it out and cut your streaming service,

whatever the thing is, cut back if at all possible, get some help, even if it's hard. There's a couple of times my son got hired to just go play with little kids while mom or dad was at home, right? So it was like an in-house

babysitter kind of thing, but it was just basically a distraction so that mom or dad could work from home. And it worked out great for everybody. My son made like five bucks and the kids got to play with a little bit older kid and mom and dad got the time they needed to separate out. But this isn't the moment to redesign your whole wellness plan. You're 45 days out from a major milestone and you're in the middle of chaos with a two-year-old and a two-month-old. This is a moment though to say, this is what I need. You gotta move your body.

You gotta eat as good as you can. You got to get some sleep where you possibly can. And if your husband can wake up in the middle of the night and help out, it's 45 days to the finish line. You getting some sleep would be incredible if at all possible. It may not be impossible. Breastfeeding, it may be impossible. You got to have some sort of relationship connection, even if that's sitting by on the couch and your husband is holding your hand and holding the back of your neck to say, hey, we're gonna do that for 30 minutes and we're gonna go to bed. Whatever that looks like for y'all. Then in 45 days, we're gonna circle back to data, other people, and listening to your body. And then we're gonna be intentional about

what do we need moving forward? What world are we going to create post-bar when I'm a lawyer, when you're working eight to five, we got two little kids. What world do we want to create in two years and five years and seven years? And let's reverse engineer that and start working on that right now. But all that to say, pass that bar exam, have it suck one time. Don't have to take it again because you've got to do this whole test prep over again. Connect with those babies and tell your husband exactly what you need over the next 45 days.

We're rooting for you. Email me back and let me know when you pass, okay? We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Let's go to Jenny from the block in Saratoga Springs. What's up, Jenny? Hi, Dr. D.

How are you? I'm good. How are you doing? We are rocking it on, man. What's up? So I guess the short of it is my grandparents live next door and they move somebody into their backyard who, like in a camper in their backyard, who has an addiction problem. And I need help figuring out how to protect my family in that whole situation. Because I don't have a problem with people who have addictions, obviously like that's a whole other. Jenny, why do you hate America? I'm just kidding.

I'm just, I'm piling onto your own shame that you're yeah. Take that off. Um, clearly you've identified a safety issue. Okay. Um, that doesn't mean that you,

that you hate people that are, have a, they're struggling with addiction. That means that you're trying to keep your family safe. Yes. So what about the situation makes you feel unsafe? Well, this person stabbed someone. That's it?

And now he's living in my backyard. Oh, there's that. Talk about overly sensitive, Jenny. Yeah, so what's the addiction? Heroin. Gosh. So I have been accused of being overly compassionate, and I've been accused of being full of leftist propaganda because my default setting is to love people and to welcome them into my house rather than kick them out.

I totally get that. And— 100%. I would not be okay if a violent heroin addict moved into my grandparents' house next door to me in a camper. Yeah. I got little kids. Do y'all have kids? Exactly where I'm at. I have a three-year-old, yes. Okay. So what is the connection between your grandparents and this backyard resident um he is the grandchild of their friends and his so his grandparents passed away so i think that they feel like they owe it to his grandparents to like take care of him okay all right so this situation is one of those that most of us will not have stabbing heroin addicts living next door to us, particularly in our grandparents' backyard in a camper.

But this is one of those outside the bell curve situations that we all deal with, especially when it comes to family. And that is setting up boundaries that are pretty firm. And so I think it's you and your husband sitting down and is dad in the picture? I just assumed that I shouldn't do that. Okay, dad's in the picture. It's y'all sitting down and saying, where are our boundaries here?

And boundaries may be as long as that person is living next door, us and our kids will not go to my grandparents' house. We refuse to go over there. If this person is somebody you can have a conversation with, it might be saying, hey, we understand that you're living here for a season in my grandparents' backyard. It's not okay for you to come over to our house. Or maybe you wait until that person does try to come over to your house. Say, hey, this is private property.

We'd prefer if you don't come on to our house. Is that conversation awkward? Absolutely. Is it hard and ugly and messy? Absolutely. Might your grandparents revolt and say, well, then forget you. I'm going to leave our house

and all my money to this guy in the back. Maybe. But it comes down to a safety conversation that you and your husband feel safe. You could also get together with your husband and say, hey, we're going to go knock on this person's door and invite them out to coffee around our fire pit and say, ask them what's been going on in their life. And if there's, y'all can decide what that is, right? But if y'all get on the same page, and then there's the hard part, communicating that to your grandparents with respect and dignity, not just lobbing grenades, right?

Have you talked to them? Yes, I went over there and I said, I was talking, my grandfather is like 90% deaf in one ear and he can't hear any of the other ones. So he was watching the race with his headset on. So he couldn't hear me. And I was talking to my grandmother, which is an easier conversation. And so I was like, Hey grandma, like, do we have a timeline on how long this guy is going

to be living out back? Um, and she was like, no, I don't really think he does either. And I was like, oh, that's you know, like, what are we going to do about that if that turns into a problem? Well, it turns, it was like, it will turn into forever. Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

And she said, that's the thing about, because we just bought my parents' house. That was my parents' house, and we just bought it. Okay. And so she said that's the thing about homeownership. You have to learn to live with your neighbors. And I just bit my tongue on that one. That's a great grandma line right there.

That's like grandma burn right there. That's awesome. Oh, dude, that's awesome. Good job for your grandma. So here's, here's grandma. Just put her boundary down. This person is living here and you need to suck it up and get over it. That's not what you wanted to hear, but that's what you got. And so she actually is right. Y'all get to decide what happens next. Are we going to sell mom and dad's house at full market value and head out? Cause we don't want our kids living here. Are we going to wait until there's a problem? Are we going to sell mom and dad's house at full market value and head out because we don't want our kids living here? Are we going to wait until there's a problem? Are we going to address it head on? Y'all get to decide what comes next. Just recognize that what comes next is going to be

uncomfortable. There's not really a way around that. And just because it's uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong. Okay. Right. If I'm in your situation and you've already had the conversation with grandma, probably what I would do is be very proactive about reaching out. I would go meet the person. To the guy? Yes. The way you just said it. Unless this person is scary, right? Or completely... he was just like not all there so okay i don't know how i don't even know how that conversation would even go like i'm knocking on a camper in my backyard like hey like that but again you want a beer i mean yeah that's probably what i would do quite honestly but um here's another thing you might try is writing your grandparents a letter because your dad, your granddad can read that.

He might not hear it, but he can read it. And just say, hey, I love you. I am nervous as your granddaughter living next door to somebody who has a violent history and who is making me and our little one feel unsafe. So here's what we're gonna do until then. Y'all are welcome to come to our house if you'd like to, but we just don't feel safe right now.

And if you're gonna choose to have this person live in your backyard over us, that's great. That's your home. And write it down because two things happen when you write something down like that. Number one, it helps you. You have to clarify it. Here's what my actual problem is. And we tend to be like, that guy's a

conservative. I ain't talking to that. Well, what is the actual problem with the political, right? What are the things that are driving you? It makes you identify it. And then the second thing is it gives the reader an opportunity to read it, have their body respond to it. They're going to get angry. They're going to get self-righteous and whatever. And then go back to it. And then they can go back to it and then go back to it. And then they can be like,

actually, we're choosing this over this. And at least we can have a conversation about it. Right? So that would be my recommendation. Write a letter to your grandparents and then move on. The more you pull into your driveway and look over the fence and get raged out and hate and all that, you are going to choose to make your life miserable.

And the more you drive and look and you're always scanning, your child is going to pick up on that. That three-year-old is going to pick up on that. And they're going to think there's something scary and unsafe about mom and about our house. You're just going to create a cascade there. So, yeah, you're in a messy situation i'm sorry it's hard um but your grandma's right your grandma's right i guess they're allowed to let somebody live in their backyard with a camper depending on your deed restrictions or wherever y'all live and y'all have to now make some choices about what y'all's life

is going to look like or what life's going to look like moving forward. Hate that y'all got put in that situation. Man, I hate that their compassion may end up costing them their house. It's going to be hard to evict somebody down the road. All those things. Sounds like a mess. And to be clear, have some good boundaries and holler back. Something goes sideways. I'd love to hear about it. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes.

And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families.

We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween

parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist

and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Diloni. All right, we are back. Let's go to Ryan. Man, all the way to Fairbanks, Alaska. What's up, Ryan?

Hey, John. How are you doing? I'm good, man. How's things? They've been better, but I can't complain too much. I'm pretty blessed. So tell me what's going on, man. How can I help? So I am now in my third week of me and my wife being separated for the second time. Ah, I'm sorry. And I guess where my mind is going on this is I'm starting to feel a disconnect, kind of like my body's telling me or preparing me for more trauma. And I'm just in this mindset of what where do i go from here i do want to save this marriage but i'm at the same time i'm just

starting to feel disconnected and i'm kind of lost here man yeah dude so what happened man why are y'all separated again well this time um you want me to tell you the first time or we just want to stick to this one for now run me through the first one in 30 seconds or less and then give me the second one alright

first time um came back from Afghanistan 2012 became an alcoholic or a weekend alcoholic

and 8 years later of being an alcoholic she finally kicked me out okay um second time I sobered up for And eight years later of being an alcoholic, she finally kicked me out. Second time, I sobered up for October 24, 2020. So I've been sober since then.

Congrats, man. This time, well, I appreciate it. This time is, I didn't have it all together financially, and I wasn't sticking to the AA meetings that she asked me to do. Okay. And there's a lot that goes behind that. That's right. So normally it's not the alcohol. Normally it's the person you become when you're drinking. So who are you when you drink?

Disconnected um emotionally absent i didn't give her anything that she needed in a marriage when i was drinking i was just separate like roommates go to bed late never never present so you weren't you're not violent you're not violent? You're not rageful? No, sir. Okay. So instead of big outbursts, you just slowly, over the course of a decade, she just slowly was drowning, right?

Right. In isolation. She said, what was there? Some big event? Or she finally just had enough back in 20? She has stuck around and really supported me through the last eight years,

and I think she just had enough. You know, enough's enough. And it was unhealthy, and it was time to make a change. So what brought you back together? Well, I believe sobriety had a big play in that. I stayed sober for the last 20, 22 months. You picked a hell of a time to get sober, man. Congratulations.

It's been a hard season, dude. If you can get through this season, wow. When you got sober, did you heal or did you trade? Here's what I mean by that. You come back from Afghanistan. You experienced some stuff. You saw some stuff. Drinking helps that mute that alarm system, right?

It works. And then you can go work during the week and stay busy, and that helps. And then you can collapse in the evening and do the whole thing up over again and then you can go through treatment and you can go to aa or whatever get sober you can stop putting alcohol in your body but if you don't go through the process of healing what your body was trying to numb out in the first place then it just moves to something else and sometimes that something else is work sometimes that something else is netflix sometimes that something else is just staring off into space did you heal or did you just trade addictions i believe i traded addiction for work. Okay.

I'm being honest. No, I appreciate your bravery. I believe I did. I work a lot. There were some other things going on. I was looking down the barrel of the divorce shotgun there, and it didn't happen, thank God, but there was just a lot going on, and I was focusing heavily on what she was doing instead of what I needed to do to heal.

That's right. So it sounds like she got back into a relationship with you because alcohol was gone and she married the same, or she got back connected with the same person who showed up and was just unplugged just instead of sleeping with alcohol now. You started sleeping with your job. Is that fair? Yep. Okay. That's fair. So the hard question I always ask in this situation is, is she interested in staying married?

I don't believe she is. Okay. It's been brought up and the last separation, it was brought up and I was told I would have paperwork at the end of the next week. And that was 2020. So we're looking at 2022. I'm not sure,

honestly, you know, if she could pull the trigger at any point or not. So what do you want to do, man? I want, personally, I want to save the marriage. And there's a lot here. We have five kids together. We have a big family.

And I believe we can build something there. I truly do. But I'm trying to get healed myself. Yeah. At the same time. Has she told you what she needs from you? I believe I've heard her say this.

I want to say yes. Okay. But there's, I feel like I'm missing information and we just never connect on that level of what do you truly need from me and not what are you asking from me

have y'all gone to see a marriage counselor uh no why not tried i tried to get her in with one of my counselors and it didn't go very well and i do have a i do have a marriage counselor and a trauma counselor scheduled for the end of this month. Okay. So that's on the table. But, man, she feels done. She really doesn't want to be here. So here's what you can do right now. You can look at this as a mission to quote unquote save this marriage. And if you look back over the last 10 years, what you're going to end up doing is trying to solve a puzzle that you don't have all the pieces to.

And so you're going to end up using a lot of energy. You're going to have a lot of worry. You're going to have a lot of expense. You can do a lot of stuff that may not get you where you want to go. You've been a brave man to say the words that when you look in the mirror and you are honest, most of this challenges you for any number of reasons. It might be undealt with childhood trauma. It might be stuff you dealt with on mission, on deployment. Who knows what it is? It might be you got home and you got five kids and you feel like you're better at work than you are at home. And so we naturally just going to go

where we do things that were better, right? I've been there. All that to say is you've landed here and the common denominator moving forward is you. You haven't told me anything that she's cheating on you, that she's an addict too, that you just said like, no, she's just been putting in the time and putting in the time and finally she just said,

I can't, I'm out. Is that fair? Yeah, I mean, there was some infidelity that caused some trauma on her part. She cheated on you? Yes.

Okay, all right. So she's not blameless in this deal either, right? Neither one of us are. Okay. All right. So she's not blaming us in this deal either, right? Neither one of us are. Okay. All right. So there's two things moving forward, man. One is you coming up with a clear, detailed plan on how Ryan's life is going to be different.

Not how your marriage is going to get saved. Not how your wife and you are going to—how Ryan's life is going to be different. Not how your marriage is going to get saved. Not how your wife and you are going to, how Ryan's life is going to be different. And the cool thing about that is, or the sucky thing is, you play a role in it. The cool thing is you can work on that. And that might be as simple as, I'm going to turn the TV off. I'm going to start getting some sleep. I'm going to start getting some exercise. I'm going to get a group of guys together. I'm going to go see a therapist, ASAP. Those are all things that are going to help you become a better husband, a better father, a better employee, a better man, a better citizen. It may be that part of who I want to become is I

want to become solvent financially. I'm going to get out of debt and stop being an idiot with my money. I'm going to learn new things and I'm going to get out of debt and stop being an idiot with my money. I'm going to learn new things and then I'm going to implement these new things. And so it's just a matter of getting on a plan, right? Hang on the line and I'll, and I'll, I'm going to put you on a plan for free. I'll pay for it. Okay. Um, it may be, I'm going to get a group of books and I'm going to get a group of guys and we're gonna start reading books and I'm going to stay, I want you to stay in the line. I'm going to send you a couple of books you can read too. Okay. All these things have one common denominator, and that is you focusing on you getting well for the first time in a long time. You hear what I'm saying?

Yes, sir. Second thing is this. You may have heard me say this on the show. It's my favorite marriage metaphor when you get to these moments. What is in the past is in the past. And there's a period at the end of that sentence where most of us who try to fix our marriages or improve our marriages or save our marriages, and I've been there, is what we try to do is go back to remember when we didn't have any kids and how awesome it was. We were having sex all the time and we had money to spend

and we were running around the country and running around the world. And we have that picture in our head. And then we try to superimpose that picture over five kids, infidelity, alcoholism, and we try to make that work again. And what we have to do is let that go. And so the analogy is you could not go down to downtown New York and sweep up all the glass and twisted steel and recapture all the natural gas and get all the drywall back and rebuild the Twin Towers. You can't do it. That thing, they fell. There's a period at the end of that sentence as hard as it is to say out loud. The only thing we can do moving forward is get some crews in there to excavate the whole thing, get with an architect or a couple of architects, draw something new. What do we want this thing to look like? Get with a set of engineers and

some construction teams to build something that's arguably more beautiful and stronger and build something completely new. That's the only option you have. Or just to move on and let it decay. Right? So the question for you and your wife is not, hey, we want to fix the marriage and say that it is, I'm interested in building something completely and totally new.

Are you in? And that's, the limbo right now is killing you. The limbo right now is killing her. And quite honestly, the limbo right now is killing your kids. And I think it's time for a breakfast. After you detail all the things you're going to do

and you put the plan down, is to say, hey, do you want to build something new? What was, was, do you want to build something new with me? Because was, do you want to build something new with me? Because if you do, I'm all in.

And if not, we need to do the paperwork now and we need to move on. Is that fair? Yes, sir. As far as it is here, it's what I needed. Were you in a combat? Yes, sir. Okay. You know the difference between when the sirens sound and that gap before confrontation. That's the worst part, right? Yep, it is. That's where you are,

and that's where you've been for a while. There is no engagement, but you know something's coming. And what may be coming may be reconnection and revisiting and rebuilding something magic, something great, or it may be the end. It may be termination. But you're in that gap. The sirens are sounding, and they have been for a long time, and there's just no bullets flying yet. And at some point, somebody's got to pull the trigger.

And I'm kind of beating this metaphor up, but at some point, got to sit down and you'll go to IHOP down the street or wherever you go in Fairbanks, Alaska and say, I don't know if you get a moose burger or something. I don't know. But you go sit down. Yeah, we have those. Of course you do. Be incredible. Somebody listening to this, send me some moose meat, man. I'm all in. But you go sit down and say, hey, use that same metaphor I just gave you. You can't go rebuild the Twin Towers.

They fell. Are you in to build something new? And if you're not, let's call it. As hard as that is. Let's be adults about this and let's love and honor these five kids through this. Or, let's start from ground zero and get the professionals around us that we need to build something beautiful. Are you in on that? I am.

All right. Here's what I'm going to send you to help you get going either way. I'm going to send you a year's subscription to Ramsey Plus. That's my friend Dave Ramsey. He's got that financial peace university. It's millions and millions of people have used it to get out of debt. I'm going to send it to get out of debt. I'm going to send it to you. It also comes with the apps and connects to your bank and all the stuff, all the bells and whistles. Okay? I want you to use that thing, and I want you to watch all the videos on that deal.

And if she'll watch them with you, that'll be amazing. Okay? That's number one. And make your kids watch them too. Why not? Number two, I'm going to send you my new book, which is Own Your Past, Change Your Future. And what that book is, is here's all the stuff. And now we're at the turning point.

Here's all the crap. Now we have to ask ourselves that one terrifying question. What do we do now? And it is a step-by-step to walk yourself out of a wellness plan. Okay. I'm going to send you that. I'm also going to send you Total Money Makeover, which is Dave's book that helps with that. Okay. I'm going to send you that. I'm also going to send you a total money makeover, which is Dave's book that helps with that. Okay. And I want you to commit to reading those books. Let your wife know as a part of your plan moving forward, you're going to read those books. Okay.

So hang on the line here, brother. Um, let me just ask, are you all in? I'm all in. Okay. Thank you. Okay. Let me know how this conversation goes. And by the way, if she won't have this conversation, she won't have breakfast with you. I want you to sit down at a computer and type out a long letter to her that explains all this in it. She may not give you an audience now. Hopefully she does. Hopefully she'll be an adult and you can be an adult and y'all can just go have breakfast together. If she won't, write it out. Write her a letter and say, here's where I'm at. Here's the things I'm going to do. Here's that picture of the Twin Towers.

And here's what I want to do moving forward. We got to scratch and clear the surface and build something brand stinking new. You deserve that. She deserves that. Those five kids deserve that. And I'm here to tell you, I've seen it done. It's a lot of work, man. But I was in New York a few weeks ago doing media.

Man, and the monument they've built and the new tower they've built is something to behold. It can be done. Y'all are worth it. Go get it. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make

to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. I got this email that I usually don't respond to these, but this is one that I wanted to touch on here. Here's what the email says. This is condensed, but it says, I'd like to know what depression is.

This is from Joshua. It says, I'd like to know what depression is. And he even put depression in quotation marks and then wrote, is it real? He goes on to say, from my experience, I see people that are what I would call sad. He even put depression in quotation marks and then wrote, is it real? He goes on to say, from my experience, I see people that are what I would call sad, and they say they're depressed and use it as a crutch. Oh, Joshua. So, yes, depression is very, very real. It's a physiological concept.

It's a biochemical process in the human body. Depression is very, very real. It runs on a spectrum. Some is the compression of feelings, the chemical and spiritual stress from holding back childhood traumas or neglect, all the way to the deep, dark, black hole, the inability to move or function, psychosomatic functioning, right? Body pains, et cetera. It's very, very real.

And some experience it in some ways deeper, if you will, than others. The DSM, which I'm not a fan of, but it does do some good descriptive stuff. Basically, depression is your body shutting you down in a way that inhibits normal functioning, right? Depression lies to us. It tells us that things are always gonna be this way. Things are your fault and nothing you can do will change your situation. And so over time, your body just begins to compress down, stop. It can loop on people,

which makes you feel helpless. I can't do anything about this. Hopeless, this is always gonna happen. And then here's the bad one, is the burdensomeness. People would be better if I wasn't here. It begins to distort the way we see and feel reality. Depression, Joshua, is more than just sadness

in response to struggles or setbacks. Depression changes your perception and the way you feel, the way you see the world and experience the world, bringing you feelings of emptiness and doom. It impacts the way you sleep, the way you see the world and experience the world, bringing you feelings of emptiness and doom. It impacts the way you sleep, the way you work, the way you eat, the way you enjoy life or don't enjoy life, the way you don't eat, the way you don't work, et cetera. And yes, Josh, I've met with countless people,

especially when I was working in university, students would come say, hey, I just failed the test and I needed to pass this test. My mom just moved out on my dad. And they would say, I'm just depressed. And I would say, you're not depressed, you're sad. You're really, really sad. And then in a month, two months, three months,

they circle back and they say, hey, I haven't eaten. I've lost 30 pounds. I can't breathe. I'm unable to sleep. Every moment I wake up, I open my eyes. I start counting the minutes so I can close them again and moving my, I feel like I'm doing life with a weight vest on. That is an instant. I need you to go see a counselor. I absolutely, people say anxiety has never killed anybody, right? Panic attacks never killed anybody. You just got to ride those, you got to ride that wave. Depression does kill people a lot. Absolutely, it does. So depression looks different across gender and across culture. A lot of men express depression by pounding their chests and saying, look at me.

It's called the one-up position. It's just, it's a physiological thing. They will sometimes bow up. This is a gender generalization, but women often show depression by one down, right? They latch to the bottom of a family or relationship and they put everybody's needs ahead of their own and they just ride out as slow as they can underneath the water. And both of those are expressing the same powerlessness feeling there. Sometimes it's stomach aches, numbing out, back pains, irritability, frustration, and aggression, especially in young kids. A great primer.

I'm going to point you to Andrew Huberman's podcast, the Huberman Lab podcast. And you can scroll down and find he's got an incredible biochemical. He gets way into the neurochemicals and the neurotransmitters and the neuromodulator, all stuff, the chemical process of depression. It's about a two-hour podcast. It's incredible if you want to go down a rabbit hole. But to answer this question broadly, yes, depression is very, very real. And if you have found yourself in a situation where you are unable to function,

you do not feel or express or see joy anymore. You are unable to laugh. Your body doesn't respond in those. You just have a running low or more importantly, you feel like the world would be better if you just weren't here or you want, you don't want to die. You just want the pain to stop because it hurt. Please call somebody. And Joshua, if you know somebody in that situation, friends say something. Loved ones get in the middle of that and say, hey, you play a role here. You got a purpose here.'m gonna call in everybody I can to keep you alive and to help you heal Depression's for real It's for real. So thanks for the email man. Um

Here let me just uh, I had some notes there. I was reading my notes there about depression This is I don't have these notes. Let's don't get into the game, people, to diagnose each other or to not diagnose each other. If somebody says they're struggling, then they're struggling. Whether it's depression or sadness, who cares? Somebody's hurting in your life. Lean into that. You just suck it up and move on.

Man, be wrong on that once and see what happens. It's not something to be wrong on. Lean into them and say, hey, everybody is helped by moving their body. Everybody. Everybody's helped by having good, close relationships. Everybody's helped by sleep. Everybody's helped by having somebody they can check in with and talk to. Everybody's helped by eating well, right?

Those are all basic things that whether someone's quote unquote got sadness or someone's quote unquote got depressed. So dude, Josh, don't play armchair quarterback. Somebody says, hey, I'm really depressed. Say, have you gone to talk to anybody about that? Lean into that connection. Don't disconnect and be like, that's not what that is. Don't be that guy. Don't be that guy.

Or if somebody comes to you and says, hey, I'm really sad because somebody I love passed away or because me and my wife aren't talking. Don't immediately jump to like, well, it sounds like you've got major depression. No, don't do that either. Sit with people. And if they need someone to talk to, be that encouraging voice and send them to talk to somebody. All right. That's my thing. I just, man, armchair diagnosticians drive me crazy. Armchair diagnosticians drive me crazy. Anyway. All right. So today, it's Kelly's favorite song in the world, actually. She just brought these lyrics in during the break, and the song is by one of her favorite songwriters, Anderson East.

And I don't know whether to take this personal or not, but the title of the song is I Hate You. The lyrics go like, there's not a better song for Kelly. I don't know what it is. This is Kelly's expression of her feelings towards me in her song, I Hate You. And it goes like this. What did this all start about? Because this ain't how it started out.

You should have stuck with alcohol, but you had to have that Adderall. Dang, Kelly. And now you're crying in the parking lot with heels in your hands, saying, I'm the one who's not making any sense. As much as I hate you, please don't ever leave me. I won't, Kelly. Don't know what I'd do if you ever followed through. You said that we're over, but can we talk when we're sober?

Because baby, I love you. Baby, I love you. I'm married, Kelly. More than I hate you. As much as I hate you. I love you. I love you too. We'll see you soon.

Coming up on the next episode. Over the time that we had lived together, the environment that I was living in with her just became really unsafe. What does that mean? One of the roommates threatened to shoot up drug dealers. And then the drug dealers came back and said, we're going to shoot up everyone in your entire house.

So sometimes I talk to folks and they're like, it's just not safe. There's Cheetos everywhere. Then there's, it's not safe because someone's gonna murder us. Boy's long distance polyamorous boyfriend is now moving in. Okay.

So there are going to be two boyfriends living in the house. We're terrified our kids are going to be molested. The idea that because they are all dating means they're more likely to sexually assault and molest a child isn't accurate.