The Dr. John Delony Show - A Young Couple Navigates Messy Family Dynamics

Episode Date: June 4, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   Email: You talk a lot about beliefs versus values one your show. Can you give some examples of each? Our 10-year-old son stresses out when taking standardized tests. The teachers put so much pressure on him. How can we help him? We are a couple in our mid-20s, dating, and have an unplanned pregnancy. Lyrics of the Day: "No Scrubs" - TLC   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation     tags: parenting, kids, family, boundaries, disagreement/conflict   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we take a deep dive into standardized testing and how to help your kids when they're struggling with taking the big tests. And in a Dr. John Deloney show, first, we take a couple's call and it's a doozy. Stay tuned. What is happening? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

So glad you're with us. Hope you're doing well. Hope you're laughing some. If you're not laughing, put yourself in a position to laugh. Or if you're grieving, if things suck, make sure you've got people around you. They'll just sit there with you and not give you stupid advice. We'll just sit there with you. So glad you stupid advice. We'll just sit there with you. So glad you're with us today.

We got a special episode today, and so I'm glad you're here. If you want to be on this show, I would love to have you. Give us a call at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Education, mental health, relationships, parents, boundaries, all of it. Whatever's going on in your life, coworkers that you're struggling with, bosses, whatever's going on, give me a shout. Political issues? I don't know how much help I'll be on political issues. Somebody told me on the internet the other day, I should keep my mouth shut about political issues. So yeah, let's do some more of those. That'd be fine. Whatever's going on. Or go to johndeloney.com slash show. And you can fill out the online form

there. It goes to Kelly. If you call the number 1-844-693-3291, you're going to leave a message. Let Kelly know what's going on. She'll check out the message, give you a call back, and we'll have you on the show. All right, so here's an email I get with some regularity. And so I want to take just a brief second at the beginning of the show to answer the email. The email I get is this. Deloney, you talk a lot about beliefs versus values on your show. Can you give some examples of each?

Yes. Let's take something. let's take me and my wife, okay? Let's say that one of our values is to always make sure our kids know they're loved, right? One of our values is to connect with our children. This isn't at our house, but I'm just using us because it's easy. So my belief about connecting with, let's say my son could be, I need to give him a list of things he needs to do. He needs to have some accomplishments. He needs to mow my yard. He needs to take out the trash. He needs to do these things. And then he'll know that men are valued by what they accomplish and achieve and what they do, right? I had one guy let me know once, it's not human being, it's human doing, right? I had another friend of mine, a close personal friend that said,

men are utilitarian, right? So I'm going to connect with him by teaching him to do things. And my wife may want to connect with him by asking him how his day went, by asking him, how'd you feel about today? What was some good stuff? What was some bad stuff? By hugging him, by looking him in the eye and letting him know that he's got value, right?

We both share a value, which is letting our kids know value, right? We both share a value, which is letting our kids know we love them. We both share a value, which is we're going to connect with our kids. Our belief about how to do that is different. And that's why couples read parenting books. That's why they go to marriage counseling. That's why they talk to other people who have more kids than they do or have older kids than they do, have been through it. So that, that value that they share, which is we want to love and connect with our kid, can be shaped by new beliefs. One of the most important values on earth is changing your beliefs, I think. Not always changing your values, but seeking to change

beliefs. That's why you have mentors. That's why you read books. That's why you watch shows, right? That's why you listen to podcasts because you have a belief about the way things work. And somebody teaches you something new. You either look at the data, you hear their experiences, you learn from them and you go, oh my gosh, I believe something totally different. A value I have is that I live in a great country. My belief about how it is a wonderful place to live is X. And then somebody else tells you, well, here's our experience. And you go, whoa, I believe something different now. I think the four most important words in the English language are, I changed my mind.

I changed my mind. I love it when a scientist says I changed my mind. I love it. There's no such thing as a politician that's ever said I changed my mind. I would love that if it ever happened. I love it when my wife says I changed her, like she changed her mind. I love it when my friends say they changed her mind. I love it. it's a personal thing that i love when i find out oh my gosh i changed my mind i have a different belief about this now what i want to hang on tight what i want to hang on tight to is my values it takes a lot to shift my values because my values are usually pretty simple mutual respect and dignity, right? Honor my wife.

Honor my children, right? Be accountable. Do excellent work, right? Be a person of faith. I want to hang on to those things. I want my beliefs to shift, right? One more thing. I work here with Dave Ramsey.

I might, we share the same value. We love people. And behind closed doors, I haven't met few people who love human beings more than Dave Ramsey. A belief that we share is different that I might say, I value that person so much. And the best way I can show my value to them

is to be really quiet and to listen. And Dave might think the best way I can show that person I value them is to rattle their cage and say, what are you doing? Right? Just a different belief about how to meet a value. And so I think most of us, if we really dug in, our values are very, very similar. I really believe that. Most of us, if we distilled down, our values are very, very similar. I really believe that. Most of us, if we distilled down, our values are similar. It's our beliefs that are different. And if we can hold

our beliefs lightly and our values tightly, oh my gosh, most of us value healthy families. Most of us value laughing really hard and living lives of joy. Most of us value being able to help our neighbors. The question is, what are our beliefs about how help works? What are our beliefs about how to get joy and laughter, right? What are our beliefs about what a healthy family is and what it looks like? Those are things that can shift and mold and shape and move. And here's what I've found. Most people are reluctant to change their beliefs because bad beliefs sometimes hurt people. Sometimes I've been yelling and screaming about a thing for five years and I look back in my wake when I get a new belief and realize, oh no, I've hurt people. It's easier to double down on my belief than to actually stop and turn around and say, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I need to go make that right.

I got to say I'm sorry. So we just keep on going with our belief, our belief, our belief. No, man, be willing to say I'm sorry. Be willing to look in the rear view mirror and turn around and go back and pick people up that you ran over. Be willing to say I didn't know, and now that I know, I'm going to do better. So great question. That's the difference between values and beliefs. Feel free to shoot me a message on one of the Internet's platforms.

And if you've got more questions and we will go from there. All right. Let's get to the phones. Let's go to Angela in Midland, Texas. What's up, Angela? Hey, how are you, Dr. John? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. Thank you all for taking my call. For sure. Thanks for calling in. So what's up? I have a question about my kiddo okay star testing and you just gave me the for those of you who don't know the star testing is the texas standardized tests it's that one obnoxious measure that they you just gave me the whole

like the way to go Angela alright so your kid is prepping or taking the star test standardized test and I'm sure he's loving it so you're trying you're calling me to ask how can you

take your kid's love for standardized tests down a notch is that right right he gets anxiety about it kid's love for standardized tests down a notch? Is that right? Right. He gets anxiety about it. He's a good kid. He's a good, smart kid. And at the school, you know, the teachers stress about it and they've relayed that to the kiddos. And at home, we try to calm them down about it, but he still gets stressed about it. And how can we help them with that? I have so many feelings on this call. Oh, man. All right. Can I hijack your call for a second, Angela?

Okay. And then I promise I'll answer it back in full. Is that cool? That's perfect. Okay. Here's the thing. Congratulations, world. We have sucked all love and joy out of learning, and we've made it about an end result, right? So here in Tennessee, my kid just finished the standardized

testing cycle. They got a few weeks left of school. You know what they're doing? Nothing. Nothing. They're having parties and watching movies. You know why? Because the only reason you shove info in your brain is to barf it up on a test. That's what our kids are learning. That the only reason you get info in your mind is so that you can regurgitate it for some power in your life so that you can be ranked on a thing. And then once we're done with that, you can do whatever you want. Just let's eat cupcakes and run around like a maniacs and watch movies and whatever. Right? So here's the thing. I actually don't mind assessments. I think they're valuable. I think they're good. They come with a couple of caveats. Number one, they've got to be fair, right? Some kids

don't know math. Some kids are starving when they get to school in the morning or they slept two hours last night because they have a chaotic home. It has nothing to do with math. It has to do with sitting down and trying to learn something when their system underneath them is an earthquake, right? So assessment's got to actually measure what it's trying to measure. It's got to assess what it's actually trying, it's got to be fair. And then it's got to actually measure what it's trying to measure. It's got to assess what it's actually trying, it's got to be fair. And then it's got to assess what it's trying to assess. It's got to measure what it's trying to measure, right? So an example of that is if you take a 10 year old and plop them down in front of a computer screen for three and a half hours and say, here's your standardized math test, you're testing whether a kid can sit

still for three and a half hours. You're not testing whether they know math, right? Can they sit for a long time and be focused? Not can they actually get the math concepts, right? Where does some of the drama from this come from? It comes from, and I sat with scholars on this issue. I've talked to some brilliant people. I've lived this issue. My wife's a scholar on some of these issues. When you tie funding to assessment outcomes, everyone's going to follow the money. That's life. That's what we do. That's why we do it.

Now there's an economic incentive to drill and kill. We're going to cut out arts. We're going to cut out PE. All that stuff becomes a waste of time. Music classes, things that we know pedagogically enhance and change a kid's brain, lets them breathe, lets their brain grow new synapses, all that stuff. We cut all that out because you have to know these math facts. Go, go. More worksheets, more worksheets, more skills, more skills, more worksheets, and so on. Because we've got to follow the money, right? So here's the thing. I don't mind assessments. I think they're good. I think

they are great markers of success along a journey, right? They're important, but they're not the central orbit. Your child is a central orbit. Okay. All right. So thank you for letting me hijack your call. That's me being dramatic here. Okay. So when you say your kid does stresses, what does that look like? Paint me a picture of a stressed out, anxious child. Well, he keeps questioning about it. And what if I don't do good? And what if they hold me back? And I'm telling him that's not even an issue. He knows his stuff. He's a straight A student. He's 10 years old, but like he's gotten into tears because he just stresses about it, and I don't know how to pull from him. What are you stressed about besides what you've already told me,

you know? You just get stressed about it. So, kids absorb the tension of the adults in their life, and then they make that tension their fault. That's all they know, right? Kids are masters at control what you can control. Room feels out of chaos, I'm going to smash something. I'm going to scream and kick and yell. I'm going to throw a temper tantrum. I'm going to run up and hug you.

I'm going to make straight A's. I'm going to do drugs. I will get your attention because I'm going to control what I can control. And I will figure out a way to get you, right? So when a kid feels that tension, when for a year their teachers have said, if you don't, you're getting held back. You're not going to get into that class. That girl won't kiss you.

You won't go to college. You're going to be a loser, right? All that starts when they're 10. That kid, your child absorbs that tension, right? And makes the outcome their fault. If I don't, my teacher fails. I fail, everything falls apart, right? So I want every parent listening to this, and you too, Angela, struggle and connection, they're good

for kids. I want my kid to struggle, but I want them to be nervous. I want to recognize that things are important and there's certain days you got to show up and perform. That's good for a kid. But I want them to also know that they can only be successful in those things when they're in connection, right? That's why the army trains together as a team. You can only go do great things in battle when you know that somebody's got your back, right? So the first thing is I want, I'm going to give you like three or four things here, okay? The first thing is I don't want ever parents to fall in a trap around a kid saying things like, this is a waste of time. This is no big deal. This is, you know, these things are stupid. Even if you believe them, because here's why you start to pit your kids against

your teachers. I mean, I'm sorry, pit you against your teacher, your kids' teachers. I'm not being very clear. I'm all fired up about this. If you are going around saying these things are stupid, stupid, dumb, waste of your time, they don't mean anything, and your kid's teacher is saying, this is everything, you're asking a child to make a Sophie's choice here. Who's telling me the truth, my mom or my teachers? And if my teachers are lying about this, then what else are they lying about? Are they lying about the information? Or if my parents are the ones that don't fully get it, what else are they? So I don't want to do that, right?

I want to let them know that assessments are important. And some days you got to show up and you got to work really hard. And I love you no matter what happens, right? If you fall apart, I love you no matter what, okay? So here's a couple of goals here. Number one, I want you to connect with your kid. What does that mean? I want them to see mom and dad struggle on something, right?

I want them to see them blow a recipe, totally screw it up. Did you screw up a work report? Did you forget something at the store and have to go back? I want you to take your kid when you mess those things up. Let them know there's a thing I needed to do and I blew it. I'm totally messed up. Right. And then I want you to connect outside of the classroom success with inside of the classroom success. Right. So that's number two is I want you to, when he does something awesome in soccer and you probably already do this stuff, or when he works really hard to figure out

how to take the trash can out and he's too short to take the trash can out and he figures out how to get it out. That's when you say, hey, look, you do hard things. And I want you to build a culture of catching him doing hard things and calling him out. Man, you figured out how to get the lawnmower started. You do hard stuff. You figure out hard things. Because then that language comes in handy a year later when they sit down to take tests. And you can say, hey, you do hard things.

And you use the same language and all of a sudden that pattern runs through your child's mind and they stand up a little bit taller because they've got evidence not of when they failed but wow so when you tell a kid hey you make straight A's you don't have to worry about this no they're being told every day you better worry you better better worry and so for the year every get straight A's, not, we knew you could do it or you're really smart, but you worked hard for this, huh? Or you didn't have to work hard for this one and you still managed to get an A. Is that right? I want to teach them about hard work.

I want to teach them about effort. Because if, man, if we focus on the process, the outcomes will take care of themselves. Right? And so then I want to teach them strategies, right? What is it look like when his little sister is driving him bananas and you pull him aside and say, hey, take a breath, a deep breath. Again, we are building pictures of things that we can use later on when they're going to have test anxiety or when he becomes a teenager and he has relationship anxiety or when he gets his heart broken by some evil girl and he has a reservoir now. Hey, you can do hard things.

This really stinks, but you got to get up this morning. You got to go to school. He's got a lifetime of mom pointing out to him, man, you can do hard things, right? So I want to build this whole, an ecosystem where he knows struggle's good. Mom fails. Dad falls down sometimes too. And they get themselves back up. And it's not the end of the world. I can do hard things. And my mom and dad point it out and call it out all the time. And then when it gets to this end thing mom and mom and teacher in concert with one another

right and then here's the most important one no matter what i'm loved no matter what and if we wait until hard things show up like honey we will love you whatever if they don't get that message in their places so if honey we will love you no matter what. Why'd you, you got to swing like this? You know, if we, if they get different messages on a ball field, or they get different messages at the dinner table, if they hear us talk about dad, like, your dad's a moron. What an idiot. And I'm not saying you do this, Angela, right? Or if they hear, if dads are talking bad about mom, kids understand there's a point when mom and dad don't love each other anymore. There's a point when mom and dad don't like each other, and it usually comes on the back of a bad performance.

Or there's moments when dad doesn't think I did a great job playing basketball, Little League, or whatever the thing is. So I want to build an ecosystem where my kid knows no matter what. So I'm telling you, Angela, this is really, really hard for me because my kid's got a lot of tools to be a great Little League player, and he doesn't really care. He just likes running around with his buddies. And we will work on something in the front yard.

We'll have fun. And, man, he will be smashing the baseball. And then he'll get up in a game. It looks like I don't know what. he just stands in a whole new way. He's just making it up as he goes. And he'll strike out, and he'll just jog back to the dugout. Like, hey, everybody. And, man, when he gets done, my first thing is like, dude,

why didn't you stand the way we practiced for hours and hours? And I've had to train myself. I've had to, like, carry through the shame of this thing is like, dude, why didn't you stay in the way we practiced for hours and hours? And I've had to train myself. I've had to like carry through the shame of this thing and say, my first question is, dude, did you have so much fun out there today? Yes. Awesome. That's so good. When you came up to bat, were you having fun? You're having a blast. And I'm aiming for what is really important here, right? I want him to know there's not going to be a thing he does that I don't love him anymore. Now, if we set up and work on something really hard and then he doesn't achieve, I'm going to grieve that with him. If he comes home and says, man, I'm so sick of striking out, I'm going to sit with him and say, that really stinks when you strike out. I've struck out a bunch too. I hate that for you. Just like I talked to you about at work when I screw this up,

I tell him every time James is mean to me, I tell him, man, son, I wore what I thought were good clothes to work today, and I didn't. James let me know that I was a failure. Kelly let me know, hey, I know you thought you had a good answer on that one call. You didn't. You totally tanked it. I need him to know that so that when he does come to me with the honesty and let's say, man, I really failed. I could say, yeah, I've been there, man. Remember, remember, remember.

And so all those things together. One final bonus thing. Don't be afraid to look into accommodations, to 504 accommodations. Some kid needs to take a test by themselves in a room because they're actually trying to assess math, not what's my performance and what's the volume of this room. And I hear all the scratching and clawing because I'm hypersensitive in this stage of my development. Get your kid the accommodations they need, the 504 stuff they need, if they need extra time, if they need private room, because we're going after not a race. Does my kid know math? Does my kid know reading? So get them the accommodations

they need and then teach them. Sometimes you got to stand up and say, hey, I need some extra help. And that one, that ability for them to do that is so powerful. So powerful. Moving on. As an old guy who still struggles with asking for help, man. And no kid wants to ask for help. It's hard.

Right? So there you go. There's some ideas, Angela. Thank you so much for that bravery and for that call. Can we please fix the education system? Stop tying money to test outcomes, please. Please, please. And I know it's messy and hard

and there is no simple answers. Anyone's like, I think they should just, you're wrong. It's more complex than that. It is. I've sat with the scholars. I've sat with politicians. It's hard. It's a mess. It's hard. But can we please start teaching kids that learning is fun and it's good and it's enriching and it's beautiful and it's wonderful to change your mind and learn new things. It's not all about regurgitating and vomiting impotence. That's all.

Angela, you're a stud. Thank you so much for your call. The world has become more and more chaotic and uncertain and loud. And it seems that everyone has anxiety. I've been there and so have you. It's why I wrote this small, direct, and personal book called Redefining Anxiety. In this book, I discuss what anxiety is, what it's not, and how you can get back on the road of being whole and well. Listen, you are not broken, and I'm living proof that you

can get your life back. I wrote this book so everyone could read it, not just science nerds like me and my friends, and I priced it at 10 bucks so that everyone can afford it. This little book landed on the bestseller list and is now being purchased by The Case and given away in counseling offices, universities, churches, and homes across the country. I don't care if you're a teenager or an executive or a 75-year-old grandmother, this book is for everyone.

So go to johndeloney.com and get your copy of Redefining Anxiety today. All right, and next call, we're gonna do something a little bit different. We've got Lindsay and Xander. We're going to take a couple's call. So first on the Dr. John Deloney show, Lindsay and Xander, you guys there? Yes, sir. How are you? I'm, Hey, I'm great. My marriage isn't on the line here. So this is awesome. Thank y'all for being brave and for giving us a shot here. And to all the listeners,

we're trying something new, and I want to just shout out Lindsay and Xander for their willingness to call here. So, hey, how's it going? Y'all doing all right? Doing pretty good. Awesome. How about you, man? Better than I deserve. Oh, well played. I like that.

All right, so let's do this. Lindsey, give me a three-minute or so explanation of what's going on, and then Xander, I'm going to ask you to give me your explanation of what's going on. And y'all are in different cities, right? Yeah. Different states. Oh, different states. Even better. So here's what's important.

You both have to be completely vulnerable and honest And this is going to be easier Because you're not looking at each other Watching body posture We're actually on zoom with each other too Oh great okay So we're zooming now So just y'all kind of side eye So you don't see each other

Alright so Lindsay You walk me through what's going on in your mind. Okay. Feels like a bit of a long story, but it's really not. So, Vander and I have been dating for about a year. Okay. And I had to, we started out being in the same place, and I had to move away for graduate school.

I'm just finishing up my first year of my master's. We've had some bumpy patches, but we've made it work this far. What does bumpy patches mean? Well, the long distance didn't work out for a little while. There was a lot of outside influence that kind of degraded the relationship for a bit, but we kind of, so we were not together for a couple months late last year and we kind of came back to it and said, no, you know, we really want to give this a shot and we want to try again because we don't feel like we were the only ones influencing the relationship. And so we've given it another shot and it's been really good so far.

Okay, so to recap, y'all were together. You went to grad school. You ended up, you tried to make it work long term there was some anytime somebody says bumpy patches that's usually really cryptic for like they stole from me or they cheated on me with my old roommate or something like that so then y'all whatever happened y'all broke up and you have these quote-unquote, outside influences. Is that your friends? Is that his friends? Is that your parents?

Is that you're, like, y'all buy a dog together, like knuckleheads, and then the dog likes one of you more than the other? What's the outside influences? My parents, specifically my mom, and a few of my friends that have just been very negative about the whole thing negative about him because he's a bum or negative because it's just so long distance

and why are you tying yourself down so young and you're in grad school now and all that um negative because they all that? Negative because they seem to think that Xander is controlling and manipulative and not a good person. And we come from very different backgrounds and my family is not supportive of that at all. And just that they see that they think we don't have very much in common, and that he's a bad influence, and all of these things that I don't believe are true at all.

Okay. But they're very loud about it. So that's always my first question when someone says, my friends think he's controlling and manipulative. My first question is always, well, is he? So you're saying no, he's a great influence on you. He's not controlling or manipulative. And he seeks the best for you.

Yes. Okay, awesome. And by the way, I didn't ask that. Y'all married, engaged? Where are you relationally? We're talking about getting engaged. Okay. So how long have you been dating, including the breakup?

It was a year in March. Okay. All right. All right. So you, have you said I love you yet? Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

That's the most affirmative thing you've said so far. All right. So, oh, yeah. So you love this guy. Your parents think he's manipulative and controlling. He's the worst. Your friends think he's just dragging you along for a ride. But I love him.

And then you're going to grad school. Y'all broke up. And has there been any infidelity here? No. Okay. Only one person answered that.ander has there been any infidelity here no there hasn't promise no promise pinky swear to both of y'all pinky swear all right something bad will happen to you if you're lying okay so probably not but whatever yeah i know she'll kick my ass that too all right so um all right so xander you tell me paint me a picture here what's going on

so uh throughout pretty much the entire year or 15 months that we've been dating uh it felt like almost all of our big fights that we have have come from this outside influence. You keep talking about. I'm talking about outside influence based on what she was talking about, mostly her mother and one of her close friends. OK, yeah. Let's don't call like y'all are referring to her mother like she's like a political state. You know what I mean? Like the government. No, she's mom.

So let's just start calling her mom, okay? We want to humanize this, quote unquote, outside influence. All right, so her mom and a friend or two have really been pressing on your girlfriend, Lindsay. All right, so go ahead. Yeah. So it's felt like her mom and one of her best friends have been trying to speak into her life and, uh, change her opinion on me. Um, none of the reasons that either of us have heard from either of them have been, it has seemed like a good enough reason to hate me and i i typically wouldn't care too much about other people's opinions of me in that way except for the fact that it is making it hard for lindsey and i to just be ourselves and have our own life

so you will never just be yourselves and have your own life. There's always going to be other people involved in this thing, right? So that as a goal isn't a real objective. But also people pleasing is not healthy either, right? So why does her mom think you're manipulative and controlling so if me and you were just hanging out fishing having a beer why and i was like dude why does her mom hate you so much what would your answer to that be it seems to me like uh lindsey's mom has a view on how lindsey's life should look and if it doesn't look exactly like that, this is based on what I've talked to her mom about, what I've talked to Lindsay about, and just what I've seen from their interactions as well.

And it feels like if Lindsay's life isn't exactly as her mom looks. She freaks out. Her mom freaks out. So her mom has a picture of what she wants her pretty little daughter's life to look like, and it's not you. Correct. Whether it's because I didn't grow up in agriculture or because I'm not done with school yet or any of the other reasons that she's given. Gotcha. Okay. So I've got a close friend whose wife grew up more ag-related, and he grew up in the city, and that's caused some significant tension among family

because there's a culture around ag. You'll hear things like, this is who we are right and then folks from a city or suburbs might not speak in that in those terms sometimes they do i've never heard someone to be like you know what we're a suburb family like i've never really heard that but i have heard we're a like this is us this is who we are we're farming people we are outside people we are fill in're farming people. We are outside people. We are fill-in-the-blank people, right? So why have you stuck it out? Because the picture that Lindsay and I have seen and talked about is the clearest picture that I've ever seen in my life. Whenever I talk to God about it, He's told me to stay. And we've broken up a couple of times. She's broken up with me, I've broken up with her.

And typically when I've ended it or wanted to, it just, it felt like I'm beating a drum that's not being heard. Um, and the reason I've come back and the reason she's come back, I think is because we've seen that change in each other and ourselves. Um, and, uh, and there's also another, uh, wrench that came into play recently. Throw it. I went up to visit her for her birthday in April, at the beginning of April. I flew up there, and we found out a couple weeks ago that we're having a kid. And there's another little wrench. Yep, a little wrench. Guys, lead with that. What are you doing?

Wow, how'd you leave that one out? Alright. This is like the big reveal show. I feel like we're on a game show now. And then at the end you're going to be like, and by the way, alright, so

wow, yeah, that's a good one good one so does that accelerate your plans for getting married yes and that's been a a talking point between us that we don't necessarily see eye to eye on okay uh in my opinion it does accelerate those plans. We made a mistake in having that happen before we were necessarily ready for it, even though we'll never be fully ready for it. But in my opinion, knowing how we feel about each other and knowing what we want in life, as well as being able to start our own family. All that points to, for me, is let's start this thing. I know Lindsay's a little more hesitant on it than I am.

How old are you, Xander? 23. Okay, so this is just two dudes hanging out for a second on a little side conversation. Never refer to parenting or your wife's future as let's do this thing. Don't refer to anything about her as quote unquote this thing. That's just hashtag just saying, okay, so now we're back to a regularly scheduled program. All right. So let me recap and then we can kind of get to the core here.

Lindsey, you love this dude. Xander, you love this girl. Y'all have been together 15 months. You've had some breakups here and there. I'll call them like knucklehead of breakups. Y'all are both young. And mom does not think that Xander's the guy for you. You've got a friend who probably has matching outfits.

I don't know why that matters. All my friends have matching outfits. I just felt wanted to, I want to say something mean about your friend without saying it too mean. She doesn't like him either. And I was going to say, she has sparkly things on her boots or whatever.

So she doesn't like him. And you're in grad school. He's finishing his undergrad degree. And surprise, now you're having a baby. So I guess the drum roll, please. How can I help? I guess what it boils down to, what we both want is how do we make sure that we are making the right choices for us without everybody else trying to speak into it and tell us what we need to be doing with our kid. Oh, man.

Okay, that's a million-dollar question. That's a great question. So I'm going to give you the good news and the bad news at the same time. Okay. How do you know what you're doing is right? You don't. But you will always know, if you do it together, that you'll be there with each other. So answering the question of are you all going to be in a relationship with one another,

you are in a relationship with each other for the rest of your lives, starting now. Okay? Whether you choose to get married, whether you choose to stay boyfriend and girlfriend, whether you choose to live in different states. I've got some opinions on all that, but y'all are officially in a relationship forever. Okay? And so the quicker you can wrap your head around that, that other people don't get a say into that, it's an is. You know, having a kid. Okay. You made a human. Congratulations. You made a human. So you're in it together. Now what other people's influence can be,

whether they're going to support you in that, whether they are going to walk away from you guys, whether they're going to abandon you, whether they're going to support you in that, whether they are going to walk away from you guys, whether they're going to abandon you, whether they're going to judge you, whether they're going to cheer. And yet they get to be a good citizen, a good person, and hopefully a good mom or husband or dad or brother or sister in the future. Right? But y'all are in it now. How does that sound?

Just that stark, stark like this is happening lindsey why is that making you cry um hormones question mark do i didn't hear you what um hormones i guess and on this show there's one thing we don't talk about, and it's that. I will not respond. I'll just say, high five, Lindsay. Just take a dive, man. Take a dive. Yeah, okay.

So why does that make you cry? I guess it just kind of, it's comforting to know that I'm not doing this by myself, that I have a partner in Xander. Awesome. And that we get to do this, raise this kid together. Yeah. So Xander, when you hear that, that the idea that you're in this too gives her peace, how do you feel? It makes me really happy.

Awesome. Especially with everything that's been going on. I just want her to have peace and feel safe. Okay. So here's a couple of quick points of clarification. You're in grad school. How long is your program, Lindsay? Two years. And you just finished year one?

Mm-hmm. Okay. Are you going to stay in that state that you're in, or are you going to move back? That depends on where I get a job after school. Awesome. So, Xander, are you still an undergrad, right? What year are you? I did two years of mechanical engineering. I had a lot of issues with my mindset and who I was at that time. Don't care about any of that. Where are you headed? I don't care where you've been, where are you headed? Right now, the plan for me is to get Lindsay through the rest of her grad school, make sure our kid's safe and happy and healthy, and then finish mine. I love it.

Finish my mechanical engineering. Those do not have to be mutually exclusive. With the amount of money that we're able to make right now, it seems like really one of the only ways to do it financially. So if I'm you, I'll let you, I think there's ways to do it, but I will, that's for a different phone call. The most important thing is that you've got your priorities straight. And so I'm high-fiving you, okay? If I'm you, I am, the second this semester is over, I am moving to wherever she is.

Yep. Right? I'm going to get the cheapest, comically crappy apartment I can, and I'm going to start working 17 jobs. Right? Yeah, I have a job interview lined up this afternoon, a video interview set up for- Outstanding.

High five, okay? You're doing it right. Now, have youall told mom yet? Yeah. How'd that go? Both said the parents know. Okay. How'd that go? Real quick. How'd it go? It wasn't great.

Okay. It wasn't great. How about your parents, Zander? My parents are very supportive of us. They're obviously a little disappointed that this happened before we were done with school, but they know that they can't do anything about it. No one can other than give us and our kids the best environment moving forward. Awesome. So, and Lindsay, your mom was devastated and dramatic and oh, my little girl and all that. Yeah, for a while. It's getting better now. Awesome. So that's been my experience that the

closer she comes to getting to hold her grandbaby, the more she begins to soften. The more your boundaries are firm and strong. And this is what we, me and Xander are going to do for our kid, this is what this is going to look like, the more she will come around to it. Or she'll opt out. But most of the time, people opt in. And man, when she sees that grandkid, things melt. Or she turns bananas. Who knows?

I'm going to live in the optimism that when she sees you guys standing up tall, you finishing up school, Xander, you working 17 jobs, and then another one on top of that to create a well of financial reserve for this family, for her grandkid, that's awesome. That is fantastic. Here's what you should not expect going forward. You should not expect to be left alone.

You're going to get so much stupid, dumb, obnoxious, ridiculous, unasked for advice over the next year, year and a half, two years. Okay. Most of the time, that's people trying to love you the best they know how. They're just trying. Okay. You can say, thanks so much for sharing, or I prefer not to talk about that right now.

Let's talk about this. And you let people have their boundaries. Both of you have to get a couple of people that you trust and that support you and that you love to speak into you. Okay. Xander, you're going to have to get some men in your life that you trust. They will say, Hey, idiot, you got to be doing better, harder. Why are you hanging out with us? You got a pregnant wife at home. Get your butt home and make sure she's doing okay. Right? Lindsay, you're going to have to have people who will honor and love Xander for the hard worker that he is. I mean, his impulse is great. I've talked to people like, well,

I'm just going to finish school and then in two years, I'll move down. No, man, I'm quitting it all and I'm going to put what I was going to do on the line because now I've got a kid and I've got other responsibilities that are more important. That tells me at least out of the gate, the guy's got some level of character. Okay, you're on the right path. Are you going to make everybody happy here? No. Are you all going to do whatever comes your way together? Yes. The question you all need to answer is are we going to get married out of the gate?

What's our romantic relationship going to look like? It can get real easy to turn this next couple of six or seven or eight or nine months into job tasks. And you lose each other in this. And y'all are going to need each other. And so I want you guys immediately to get a relationship counselor. Immediately. To work through the relational aspects of this. Because there's going to be some job stuff.

You got to earn money. You got to be healthy. You got to sleep. You got to get your assignments turned in. But there's also something else going along this way, which is, Lindsay, you can't go through this by yourself. Your bodies are going to change. Your hormones allegedly change.

I'm just kidding. Everything's going to change for you, and you need somebody alongside you saying, I love you, I love you, I love you. And, Xander, you're about to be a dad. Everything you know is about to get turned upside down, slapped up, flipped up, and reversed, and you need Lindsay walking alongside you saying,

I'm so glad you're with me. And y'all are just going to have to learn some new tools and some new skills. Y'all are in it. So thank you so much for telling us about this. I think y'all are on the right track. I think you're doing the right things. I'm proud of you guys for saying, okay, this happened. Now what's next? And Xander, I don't want you to ever forget that the moment

Lindsay heard Xander's all in, she wept publicly. And Lindsay, I don't want you to forget that Xander said, all right, everything stops. I'm all in. I'm all in. We would have done it in a different order if we'd planned it that way, but we didn't. It happened. And so here we go. I'm going to recommend, man, y'all been together a year. You said you love him. He's your guy. You said you love her. She's your guy. I'd recommend y'all get married, but I want y'all to meet with somebody and go through that process. Make sure y'all are all on the same page relationally. Okay. Best of luck to you. Let us know after the baby's born how we can

cheer you guys on. If you've got a photo or something, send it to us and we'll show everybody the picture after the baby's born. Grandparents, mothers-in-law, when you find out that you're about to have an unplanned grandkid, you got two choices. To grieve the fact that your picture is going to be different and then be all in on that kid, all in on your kid. You remember how lonely it was when you were pregnant.

Or all in on that grandkid. Or you can grieve that your picture is going to be different and you can throw a temper tantrum and starve that new grandkid of their grandparents starve your child of the season they need their parents the most right and you get to lecture by the way kids get over yourselves let your parents lecture you can give you advice that's just what they do that's cool but guys rally around each other we're all in it together okay thank you so much for the call lindsey and xander we're high-fiving you. Make good choices. Stay in school. Don't do drugs, all that after-school special stuff. Good job. All right. As we wrap up today's show, this song is for you, Xander. Just imagine Lindsay singing it to you. It's off the 1999 record Fan Mail.

It's from TLC, and the song's called No Scrubs, and it goes like this. Uh-oh, or oh-oh. A scrub is a guy that thinks he's fly, is also known as a buster, always talking about what he wants and just sits on his, oh, am I allowed to say broke ass? He sits on his broke ass. So, no, I don't want your number. I don't want you, want to give you mine. And no, I don't want your number. I don't want you, want to give you mine. And no, I don't want to meet you nowhere. No, I don't want none of your time.

No, I don't want no scrub. Xander, she just wants you. She just wants you. Hiding out the passenger side of his best friend's ride, trying to holler at me. Lindsay, you don't want no scrub, Xander. Finish this semester and get to moving. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.