The Dr. John Delony Show - All About COVID-19

Episode Date: March 19, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   We had a baby and our in-laws are taking our COVID precautions as a personal attack. I'm a 5th grade teacher and running out of steam due to COVID. Teaching Segment: How I Make Decisions My fiancee is an ICU nurse in California. She has seen so much during COVID. How do I support her? Lyrics of the Day: "Bring the Noise" - Public Enemy   tags: relationships, disagreement/conflict, boundaries, family, kids, illness/health   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we have a special theme. We're all tired of talking about it. We're tired of listening to it. But every one of us is being affected by COVID-19 in some way. So on today's show, I answer your calls, your letters, your questions about how COVID is affecting you, your relationships, your family, everything. Stay tuned. Hey, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show,

the show we named after me, because why not, right? I guess I'm the only person in here. This is the COVID-themed show. You're sick of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it. But here's the reality. We're all dealing with fallout from COVID, whether it's relationships or work or what we're going to do next or burnout or fried or cooked.

So we're going to take a series of calls about how folks are wrestling with COVID. And by the way, this is the third time to do this intro here, this little inside baseball. We shoot these intros, and we go from camera to camera to camera. The first time we were shooting this little fancy intro, the background got all screwed up because Zach's elbow leaned on some weird button. Then the second time, James was singing a song and got all teary, and that got screwed up.

And while we're here, James, number one, I can see you flexing back there, but these earphones, man. I asked James, hey, what are the chances we could get some new headphones? And he goes, well, I got those for $7.43 at Walgreens. So sure. So we've got a bajillion, million dollar studio

and $7 headphones. I ordered you some really fancy ones. We didn't know if this whole thing was going to work out. So I've been trying to keep you humble with the Amazon $20 buds. That's kind of how my marriage went. My wife got my ring at James Avery and was like, we're going to test drive this for a minute, and then, not really.

That didn't happen. That's a whole other thing. Alright, so here's the deal. We've got a lot going on today. Thanks for joining us on the show that I so vainly named after myself. I had all these other awesome names and this is the one we stuck with. So it is what it is. But on this show, we talk about your life, your mental health challenges, your relationships, everything that's going on in the world around

you. We walk alongside one another trying to figure out what we can do next. I got to say it, man. We have a packed house out here in the studio, audience. We got two. We got two. This is a 200% increase of what it was yesterday and the day before. So that's exciting. There's two people in the back work here. They have to be here. That's like their job.

But you two joined us because, man, the lockdown is getting to you guys you realize, wow, this is it this is what we got so I appreciate y'all coming to hang out you could have gone to the zoo you could have gone to any of the cool things down in Nashville so I gotta shout you guys out

but I also have to shout this out I got a letter so I don't ever know if I can say people's names on this show without asking them. And so I'm not asking them. So I'm just going to say, I got a letter from Louisville, Kentucky. And here's the card. If you're watching this on YouTube, it's a card. It just says, thank you. And it's really kind. And inside I opened it up and I gasped because it's a couple and they sent it to me. And inside this nice card that they wrote,

just saying, hey, they like the show and really kind stuff. They sent four Garbage Pail Kids. And if you're 100 like me, and you remember back in the day, they were these cards that are super not cool. I mean, like, they are not good. They're really not good, man. Like, how this didn't get canceled instantly. I guess they didn't have that back then, but man.

But when I was a kid, you would get baseball cards, and then you would also try to get Garbage Pail Kid cards. They were super offensive and super not PC. I haven't seen these in 30 years, three decades maybe. These were not even in my head and then suddenly

this awesome family says, and I quote, we think you think these would be funny. We think that you think that these would be funny, to which I was like, I kind of think they're funny they're super disrespectful and rude but they're pretty funny i'm so grateful that y'all reached out this is the most creative gift i've received since i worked here and this is awesome so i just want to say thank you for sending me old rude baseball cards that aren't even baseball cards well how would you call these i don't know but i'm shocked that you i always make fun of you for saying don't send me your cards and letters like no one

people send me cards and you got a card and a letter it's amazing i think they realize that i don't understand how electronic communication works too well so they actually go to the old post office and i'm super grateful so you know who you are if you send me garbage bill kids thank you for making my whole week better it's's awesome. So we've got a packed show today, and we've got a rip-roaring studio audience today. So let's get right to the phones. Let's go to Nessa in Salt Lake City, Utah. Nessa, what's going on? How can I help?

Hey, thank you for taking my call. Thank you so much for calling. Hey, by the way, before we get going, have you ever heard of Garbage Pail Kids? No. All right. That was a really lovely way of Garbage Pail Kids? No. All right. That was a really lovely way of saying you're a super old man, and you're kind of creeping me out. So I called you to talk about something else. So sorry about that.

I'll look them up after. Hey, for sure don't. For sure don't. They will not enliven your life in any way, but that's all good. Okay, so what's going on? How can I help? Yeah, so pretty much COVID family problems. So I had a baby last year in July, and my husband and I decided that we were going to

kind of follow CDC guidelines and do everything that we could to keep our new baby safe during a pandemic. Okay. And it caused a lot of tension on his side of the family. And it started out with passive aggressive comments and then all the way up to his dad messaging him, saying bad things about me. And now they are trying to manipulate and gaslight the situation and say things like they're not, you know, they'll just wait and see their grandson by the time he's 21 and things like that. Hey, listen, because they're not my family, when adults act like four-year-olds and throw four-year-old temper tantrums, I love it.

Now, if this was happening in my house, it would not be funny. So I'm laughing at you, not with you. Right. But no, no, no, I get it. I need you to know. Oh gosh. So you do anyway. So how can I help you, man? How can I help? I'm basically, you know, this, this, these conversations now, like my relationship with them is extremely strained. I tried to sit down okay enough to help them continue to try to have a relationship with their grandbaby? Man, this is so frustrating, man. This is, I cannot stand it when grownups act like children. And I cannot stand it, not even out of some trauma, right? Just because we aren't getting our way, right?

So if a grownup throws a fit and they've got some stuff from their past, they're working through some heavy stuff in their life. I get it, man. That happens. But when grownups just throw like a, this is a, my five-year-old doesn't throw these fits anymore. And then they leave you, the new person into the family, the mother of a small child, trying to figure out how you can best heal the situation, a mess you didn't create. Oh, geez. Okay, so a couple of questions.

How is your husband navigating this? Sure. So when the messages came through. By the way, good job, grownups. I'm going to text these really hard things because I'm so grown up. I won't even call you and say them to your face. I'm going to send them in a text message. That way to go, everybody. All right, continue. So he called his dad immediately and was just like, this is completely out of line.

Because your husband's a grown up. Good job. Excellent. He's like, we make all of these decisions together. This is my son. I am his father. I'm doing the best that I can. And we're both new parents. This is our first kid, too. Dude, look at your husband, man. Way to go. Yeah.

So it's the first time that he's kind of stood up to his parents and kind of drawn that line. Yeah. And so he's handling it like a champ. He's doing amazing. Awesome. So he's handling it like a champ. He's doing amazing. And it sucks because now his brother is starting to get involved and calling him. And they had a big fight over the phone about all of this and stuff. And so he's doing the best that he can in this situation. And he's amazing.

Yeah, man, I hate that for y'all. All right, so here's the reality of your situation. Number one, I'm going to flip this whole thing around, okay? Sure, absolutely. This could not have been a better situation for you guys. And here's why. You're dealing with two immature people, and this was going to come out sooner rather than later. It was going to come out when your kid was spending a week at their house.

It was going to come out when they didn't like the way you were disciplining their grandbaby, right? As though that trumps your, right? It was going to come out and it was going to come out in a big and bigger and bigger way. The difference now is the kid isn't involved, right? The kid is the proxy for this power struggle, but there's not a five-year-old or a nine-year-old or a 13-year-old downloading their insights into how poor your parenting is, right? So where I'm telling you this is the best

thing that could have happened is you got to let two people, you got to see their true colors, and now you get to build really firm strong boundaries this is in a weird way brought you and your husband closer because you got to watch him stand up for that that that lady he loves right and you always wondered if you would he did right and he stood up to his parents into his mama that's hard man into his super aggressive texting father it's so ridiculous um so good for both of you now the reality this sucks right this is not good this is not how you drew it up of course you didn't want to have a baby in the middle of a global pandemic of course you didn't want to

have a baby and when you couldn't leave and go spend time with your friends and family of course you had these visions and dreams of grandparents coming in and being involved and all that's a mess. And then on top of that, it's turned silly. So what I'm going to tell you is this. I want you to forget the relationship part. You didn't create that mess. You chose to respond to your baby in a certain way. And I want everyone to listen to this. I'm not high-fiving her decision. I could care less what she chose to do. The reality is she chose, you and your husband chose. I'll call your husband Bill. How about that, Nessa? So Nessa and Bill decided we have a new baby. These are the boundaries around our baby. And Bill's parents threw a temper tantrum.

It doesn't matter what they are. I've had friends who are like, hey, before you walk into my home, you have to do 30 push-ups and wash your hands and get a colonic and all. Like, dude, I just want to hang out. And I've had other parents who will just hand me your kid while I'm mowing the yard and be like, hey, here you go, man. So every parent's different. It doesn't matter.

They get to set the boundaries because it's their kid. And so what I want you guys to do is this. You guys have now seen a world where grandparents are going to act like children. Here's the deal. They're going to come around, okay? They just are. And I want you guys to not lose your dignity. Don't lose your character.

Don't lose who you are in order to make that work because that's never going to work, right? So y'all get to decide. You get to decide who you're going to be, what kind of boundaries you're going to have, and you're going to have to create a new universe that doesn't include his parents for a while until they choose to grow up and interact with their grandkids on their terms. And if brother wants to jump in the mix, bro, you're hurting mom's feelings because, but cool. Then he gets to decide what he, you know, he's making, he's, he's crossing whatever line he wants to cross. Right. And all you're doing is you guys drew boundaries and obviously a boundary free family, right? And then people are going to run up and hit their head on those boundaries and see

if they hold. And now you guys just get to hold them. And it's lonely and isolating and frustrating and annoying. And you're going to weep and you're going to be sad and you're going to wonder, what am I doing wrong? What you're doing wrong is you're deciding what kind of parents y'all want to be and you're sticking to it. I can't tell you anything magic that's going to make them not immature. And I can't make anything, tell you anything magic that's going to make them not immature. And I can't make anything, tell you anything magic that's going to make you less frustrated at how they're responding. You know what I mean? I hate that for y'all. Yeah, no, absolutely.

No, like, I get it. I get it. So is there a season where, like, let's say in your immediate community, the restrictions are lifted. Your husband gets a text. Bill gets a text here in a few weeks and says, hey, we both got vaccinated. We're both good. We'd love to come see your grandkid. Are you poisoned now to that relationship where you don't even want them around?

Or are you going to welcome them in? Yeah, no, I've always welcomed them in. I've always been the one to send them the resources to invite them to FaceTime call, to do whatever they can to connect with them. That's always coming from, like, me, mostly. And so, absolutely, please come in. I've kind of built up this compartmentalization almost to where their relationship with our son is completely separate from their relationship with me. And I try to get them involved in the new milestones that he's, you know, doing. And, you know, I'm extremely the same, like nice and kind and, you know, all of that interaction is the same. So absolutely.

So you got to know, Nessa, this is going to start over time to put a strain on your marriage. And I want y'all to be upfront and honest with each other throughout this process, okay? Right. Yeah, we made an appointment for marriage counseling to kind of come up with a game plan on how to navigate this moving forward.

Awesome. Yeah. Awesome. That's in the work. When you feel that first shard, that first little splinter of resentment against your husband, because there's going to come a moment where he's just going to say, hey, can we just let him come by?

And can we, like, is there another thing we could, can we meet him halfway if they all wear masks? That's happened. It's already happened, right? Okay. So when you start to see him changing sides on you, that's probably not happening. He's trying to find a middle ground. He may have met with a doctor. He may have, and somebody said, hey, it's okay for grandparents to hug your baby.

It's okay. And all that, as you go through that, make sure when you start to feel like he's switching teams on you, make sure you stop and pause and not in an accusing way, not in a, let's go to war against you two way, but say, Hey man, I feel like we're switching sides here. Is there something you want to talk about? Tell me where this is coming from. Right. And it's probably him doing the best he can to not lose both his mom and dad and his wife at the same time right right and that's hard and you i want you to commit to where you feel like you can it sounds like you are being you've got really firm boundaries and you're really you don't want those to sever a relationship right you want people to respect who you are and where you are

which i think is great um i also want you to always make sure you are checking those boundaries. Are they appropriate? Are they right? Get somebody in your life. I love you. I want to see a marriage counselor. Make sure those boundaries don't become brick walls, right? If they become brick walls and you end up walling yourself in as much as you wall other people out. And so make sure those boundaries when they're drawn around medical issues or beliefs, not values, but they're drawn around beliefs, man, there's some flexibility because at some point you may read a new book. You may have your doctor may meet with your child

and they may say, nah, you're good, man. You're good to let them hug, whatever those things are. So make sure that you are able to remain peaceful and flexible, but at the same time, I'm proud of you for standing strong. I'm proud of y'all for working hard on this together. And I'm proud of y'all for saying, ah, we see a forest fire in the future. Let's head down this road and go meet with a marriage counselor. Good for you. Parents, when you have grandkids, they are their kids first and then yours. And I know you've been waiting for this moment

for so, so, so, so long. I know that you fill in the blank. They're not your kids. They're not. And you remember back when people took advantage of you and frustrated you and said, why you let them wear that? Why you let them look like that? And you know, it's annoying. Don't repeat that. I tell you what, man, I won the lottery when it came to parents and how they respect me and my wife our boundaries with our kids it's incredible

and I know I'm really fortunate and privileged with that because not everyone gets that so thank you for that call Nessa let me know how that marriage counseling session goes

I'd love you to reach back out and let me know how that goes y'all working together to come up with a game plan moving forward and I'm grateful for the call alright let's go to Rachel in Augusta, Georgia. Rachel, what's going on?

Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for talking with me. Thank you for calling. What's going on? Well, before I ask my question, I just wanted to say thank you for mentioning the Avett Brothers in multiple songs of the day because I love the Avett Brothers so much. And it's just awesome hearing other people talk about them. I think they are the two best American songwriters working today.

I think they're extraordinary. They have a very special gift. And they are wise, wise, wise, wise brothers. And I love them. I love what they're putting out in the world. It's awesome. Yeah. All right.

My question is, so I teach fifth grade. And I was wondering how I can give grace to my kids, my students, who I know are going through a lot with the pandemic and with school and we still have to do state testing, but still keep good boundaries in classroom management. Oh man. Are you, are you my, you're a plant. Are you my son's teacher? I always, I'm always terrified that my son's teacher is going to call and be like, so what do you do when I have a student who's terrible in class, but their parent has a really loud microphone and runs his mouth all the time. So, oh gosh, I hope you're not really one of my kids' teachers, are you?

No. Okay, good. All right. I thought Kelly was setting me up in here. That would have been real funny. All right. So how do you set boundaries? How do you, talk me through what you're asking.

So I, I just don't want to be too hard on them. With all the things that they're going through, I still want to keep a good relationship with them and have good management, but I want to teach them responsibility. But I know they're going through a lot and I don't want to be too much. Gotcha. I think that's going to be different with every kid, which is real frustrating. I can speak to the experience of my fifth grader in my house, which is there's that really fine balance, but it's important. That accountability is so important. And that teacher engagement is so important. And wanting to make sure that he is a part of something bigger than himself. And so the teachers, his teachers have just been extraordinary in rallying that we're all in this together. And when one of y'all forgets your homework flexible with, y'all go run around outside, right?

We're not going to do seven hours of homework after you've been in front of a computer screen for seven hours, too. Pedagogically, that doesn't make sense. Just, like, rationally, that doesn't make sense, right? So there's been a really good balance. What are you seeing your students struggle with? Well, we used to have the kids switch classes, but now with COVID, the teachers switch classes. There's three of us. And so just that personal responsibility of having their stuff when they need to have it, they stay in the same room all day. So you would think it would be right

there, but it just disappears. It just disappears, man. It just goes away. I don't know where it goes, Rachel. I don't know where it goes. I'll hand my son something and it just goes away. I don't know where it goes, Rachel. I don't know where it goes. I'll hand my son something and it just evaporates. Man. So specifically though, besides just losing an assignment, so are you feeling bad about counting off if they don't do an assignment? Yeah, sometimes. And like if they like talking in the hallway and things that they know they're not supposed to do

and I say quit talking and then I give them their warnings and they keep going and they get sign-ins. And then I don't want them to go home and get in trouble and not be able to go out and run outside. And I just want them to be able to feel comfortable at school, but not like every little thing is going to get them in trouble because they can't go hang out with their friends after school. They can't do this because of the pandemic. So has that really happened? Or is that something you're projecting out that might happen? Probably just me projecting. Okay.

Okay. I didn't know if you had a specific situation. So I, man, I love this question. Here's why. I love moments when things get chaotic and we have routines and we've got rhythms and we've got the reason we do things. And when things get chaotic, when we throw the rule book out and just say, I don't know what to do next. I love it when folks take those moments to get in a room and say, why are we still doing this? Why are we still doing that? The alternative is we're just,

this is the way we do it. And this is where we're going to do it. And then all of a sudden you incidentally start hurting people, right? So let's take talking in the hallway. For example, we've got a group of kids that can't play. They can run around outside, right? Limited, but they're not going to the movies. They're not fill in the blank, right? They're with their parents. Social time has become, an ability to talk to somebody has become a mental health lifeline for these young kids. Is there a larger pedagogical purpose other than we just want there to be silence in the hallway? Could that be something that you and your colleagues could say, we're going to let these kids talk? Does that make sense? And it's just that. And then you go to the cafeteria and then you go to, you know what?

We do 15 minutes of recess. Let's do 45. Let's just let them run and run and run. And there is some science that says that they get out and move their body and get some vitamin D. I know it's been winter, but they are going to have some increased, some raises in their academic achievements, right? So rethinking some things at the same time, recognizing, man, you guys got it. I cannot believe these states haven't relaxed some of this stuff, but you guys still got to hit those metrics, right? Or you're going to get docked as a bad teacher.

So have y'all had some of those conversations? Can we release some of this stuff and traded this for that? Yeah, I think we're kind of, you know, in the war. Everything's always in the works. You know, they can't talk it here. They can't talk here. They can't talk here. And we're trying to find ways and places that they can talk and they can be social.

It's just hard because we're a K-8 school. And so, man, yeah. And so there's a lot of things going on all at the same time. And we don't want to disturb anybody. But, you know, I try to give them I get I call it talk time in class. If they're doing this, they can have talk time but they also have to have their mask on and you know farther away from each other and it makes it it's so much fun so here's here's one of my one of my if i distill it all down we and you and i man i love talking about classroom management and i

really love talking about the flow of how schools are administrated. I think some people do it extraordinary, and some people, I don't even know what program they could have graduated from for how they run stuff. I think at the end of the day, I want to free your heart and let you know that accountability done in a loving, connected context is a good thing for kids. They crave those boundaries. And when everything feels chaotic because of COVID, their parents are heightened, their parents are fighting more. We're watching the SEO data. People all over the country are, all over the world are searching into Google, how do I know my relationship's over? When do I know to get divorced, right? We know that the, I met with some counselors last night. I had dinner from Texas and talking about the increases in abuse at home, the increase in anger outbursts at home. So we know

these kids are going through at home. And then they come to school and they crave being seen and they crave safety. And safety comes from that accountability right and that's different than yelling and being arbitrary and screaming etc so with a fifth grade class they're old enough i would explain why like hallway traffic at a k-8 school is at a premium right and if we're allowed it affects them and maybe you might change your outcomes maybe i love that you're giving them talk time you're giving them. And maybe you might change your outcomes. Maybe I love that you're giving them talk time. You're giving them whatever you're, you are ringing communication and connection out of this madness that we were in. And whatever group of fifth graders have you as their teacher

has won the lottery. They are so lucky to have you, Rachel. It's really extraordinary what you're trying to do for those kids. I don't want to see us just take all the fences down and say, y'all run them up because I know it's hard. And so y'all just run chaotic because that's going to add to the stress and anxiety and depression of these kids. So boundaries are good. Holding kids accountable is good. My son had a homework assignment evaporate the other day and his teacher called him out in front of the whole class. And he came home and said, I let my teacher down. I should have got my homework. And we talked through it. But here's the thing. I'm glad that his teacher had some accountability. I am. Just saying, well, I know things are hard. You don't have to do anything. It's cool. They're going to

get enough of that when they're adults, right? And we're watching grownups act like children right now to all of this, right? So I think accountability is good. Connection and compassion is good. And let those kids know this one thing. You as their teacher, love them. Use your teacher, see them. And however you can, I know you can't hug kids anymore, but you can get down and let them see you eye to eye and you can smile and they can see your eye crinkles and you can't hug kids anymore, but you can get down and let them see you eye to eye,

and you can smile, and they can see your eye crinkles, and you can say those magic words, I see you. I'm so glad you're here. And that works with high school kids. By the way, tough guy, high school teachers, you can look at a high school kid who's acting all hardcore, and you can stop them and go, hey, I'm so glad you're here. I see you. I'm glad you're in this chemistry class. You don't ever turn anything in, but I'm glad you're here. Hey, fifth grader, I'm so glad you're here. We're all turning our homework in. We all are turning in our worksheets. Nobody's going to miss. We're going to help each other get it done. We're going to encourage each other to get it done, but we're all in this together. And so that's the best

I can tell you without spending an hour talking about classroom management stuff. But I love, love, love your heart. And, man, hold those kids accountable and let them be seen. All right, so let's get into some dangerous territory here. One of the questions I get asked all the time is, am I getting the COVID-19 vaccine, right? So here's the deal. I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do, but I want to talk about the process first because I think the process is important for making this decision, any kind of decision, right? One of my life philosophies is to always have an expert.

Like, do you know a guy? Do you know a gal? Do you know a person who knows something about this thing, right? This is the deal. I'm not that smart. I went to a lot of school and I studied a couple of things really deeply, but I'm not that smart. The thing I'm most smart about is what I don't know, right? Which is a lot. Plumbing, no idea. I got a guy, Cable Barrett, right? I mean, Barrett Cable, Barrett Cable. His name is Barrett Cable, not Cable Barrett. Building, how to build something. I'm embarrassing. I am shameful at how I can try to build stuff.

But lucky, I got a guy, Charlie Turner, Winston Cruz. I know guys who know guys, right? Legal scholarship, right? How do I interpret a new legal ruling? I could go to the internets, and it's going to give me a bunch of nonsense headlines and drama. Nope. I got Rob, Cassie, Tracy, Alex, Darby, Dustin. I got folks that I call because I'm not a legal scholar. I don't know. Banking, Todd, funny memes,

Pots and Caleb, education, my wife, the other, the doctor, Sheila Deloney, Dr. Mark Phillips, Dr. Stephanie Talley, trucks, anything trucks. I call my buddy Michael, internet things, Kevin, right? Counseling, Dr. Janet, Dr. Lynn, Dr. Steve, Dr. Brett, Dr. Aretha, et cetera, et cetera. Here's the thing. We are the worst at being honest about what we don't know. We have tons of opinions, but very little knowledge. We read a headline, we watch a YouTube clip, and we consider ourselves experts, right? Worse, we form an opinion,

something that we really want to be true, or we hear something and we think, that's not right. And we go searching for anyone on the internet, anyone to back us up, right? And here's the thing. You can go down a rabbit hole and you will find some dude in the back of his car in the trunk recording a YouTube show with 11 followers and he will come up with the thing that you think, right? So back to the COVID vaccine. When it comes to the science of vaccines, I don't know. And I know a lot about science. I know a lot about research. I know a lot about biology.

I don't know about vaccines. I'm not an epidemiologist. I'm not a research biologist or a virologist. And you aren't either, right? And I misjudged this thing out of the gate big time. So I called my friend who's the dean of a pharmacy school, a good pharmacy school. He's a close buddy. He's brilliant. He's a research scholar. And so I called him and I said, hey, what do you think, man? Are you getting this vaccine?

And he said, man, I read the science. It's better than I could have ever dreamt. And so me and my family, yeah, we're for sure getting it. I'll be first in line. I'll be, I'll get as soon as they're allowed me. And my first thought was, aha, sucker, Dean of a pharmacy school. You're in bed with big pharma. I knew it. I knew it. Right. So I called the chair of a biology, by the way, he's a good friend. And I think I said that exact thing to his face. So, um So I called the chair of a biology department, a cancer researcher at another university, right? I changed universities, changed genders. Stupid guys. I'm going to call a brilliant woman cancer researcher. I said, hey, are you getting this vaccine? And she told me the science was so impressive, so much more impressive than she could have thought.

The vaccine's really not that complicated. She was part of the trial, and the things have been great. I said, you, that's ridiculous. So I called my minister, and that sucker was part of a trial too. And I just thought, I'm being failed by everybody. Everyone, I need you to back up my opinion. I knew somebody, close friend. I've known her for almost 30 years. Oh, my gosh, I'm getting old. I've known her for almost 30 years oh my gosh I'm getting old

I've known her forever I called her she's a homeopathic doctor I've got you vaccinators now hey this is even better a homeopathic doctor on the west coast booyah called her

we talked for a long time about the science. She's a brilliant researcher, practitioner, and she said, this is causing a ton of challenges, but I'll get it. Soon as I'm able, I'm going to sign up and get it. Hmm. So I asked three different experts, plus a minister, hey, what's the deal on this deal? And they said, not only are we doing it, but we would give it to our families. I'll be first in line. My medical friends, they did it. So here's the thing. When it comes to medical advice, psychological advice, et cetera, please go into these things with an open mind. Don't try to find somebody to back up your opinion because there are a billion people

trying to just put their nonsense, their opinion, their attitude, some scandalous conspiracy theory out there, right? So am I getting the vaccine? Yeah, for sure. Because I don't know enough about it, but I do know four people who I trust deeply have said, yeah, this is something we're doing for ourselves. If it was available for our kids and the research meets our kids, which it hasn't yet, we would do that too. But there's not been research on kids, so we're not there yet. I trust them. When it comes to getting on internets, right, I trust Dr. Atiyah, Dr. Rhonda Patrick, Robert Zappalowski, Gabor Mate, right, Ben Greenfield. Because of their longevity, their research back, understanding their personal experiences, right?

I got two PhDs. I have years of working with folks and I'm not afraid to say this magic thing. I was wrong. And all those people I just mentioned, they've said the phrase, man, I was wrong too. I had to rethink this thing.

Things change. I learn more. I'm growing, right? So I trust folks, but I put a lot of energy into trusting figuring out why I should trust them and it's because of their expertise sometimes because of their education sometimes because of their experience sometimes because they've been in this thing for a long time sometimes because they'll say the words I was wrong I misjudged this I got new information so I changed what I understood. And they are humble. And more importantly, they do these things with themselves.

They do these things with their kids. And when I can ask somebody all day long, hey, what do you think? And they're going to give me a dissertation. But then I ask them, hey, what are you doing with your kids? And they'll say, yeah, what are you doing with yourself? Do you actually take this supplement? Do you actually plan on getting in line to get that vaccine? And they'll say, yeah, I did. So I'm going to, because the folks who know more have said it's a great idea. And if I'm wrong, and this is a massive money grab and we all die, here's the thing. I don't want to live in a world where all the doctors and surgeons and nurses and leaders and teachers and social workers and mental health professionals, where they've all died anyway. So there we go. I'm ready to go too. So that's my thought on

COVID-19 vaccine. But more importantly than that, that's how I go about solving some of these problems. I don't default to my opinion, my bad attitude, some conspiracy theory, or some angry person on the internet. I try to get deeper than that and go to experts who know what they're talking about, right? All right. So let's go to Mitchell. Hey, Mitchell, what's up, brother? Hey, Dr. John.

How's it going? I'm good, man. How are you? I'm doing well. So my fiance is an ICU nurse and she's been dealing with the worst side of the pandemic here. She loves her job. Yeah. She loves her job. Yeah, she loves her job, but I can see it's taking a toll on her spirit and it's just, you know, emotionally draining.

We talk every day when she comes home from work. But, you know, aside from listening, what else can I be doing to support her emotionally and just spiritually? Man, dude, I'm so grateful for you, Mitchell. Thank you for your heart and for being one of those guys that wants to love your wife the best way you know how. So when she comes home, give everybody, paint us a picture of what life is like when she gets home. She walks through the door, then what?

Sure. I would say, you know, it's every other day, it's a pretty sad day. She'll lose a patient or two. And it's when they lose COVID patients in the ICU, you know, families don't get to go say bye. She has to be the one to hold the iPad and hold that patient's hand when they leave this earth. So she carries that, that you know she carries that burden um i can see that on her shoulders and i feel a little helpless because i can't relieve that for her yeah and nothing hey nothing's worse than watching somebody you love hurt and you can't be the one that heals that, right? Yep.

It hurts. It's hard, man. And you alluded to it. I'll go one step further. And I know this is a little bit graphic, but when somebody gets to a place where their time has come and they're being propped up by machines, and the doctor says, it's time, it's the nurse that reaches down and turns the machines off, that pulls the proverbial plug, that pulls the tubes out, that actually pulls the lifeline out of somebody's vein. And I know you know this, Mitchell, because you know this acutely,

but for those of you who don't know, nurses carry that around with them. I'm the one. The doctor made the declaration, but I'm the one that turned the switch. I'm the one that pulled that too. And you want to talk about carrying some weight, right? It is a weight that very, very few people will ever, I'll never understand that, right? That's a weight. So she comes home and she talks to you. Tell me how those conversations go. How do they paint us a picture of it? Is it in your bedroom? Is it in the living room? Y'all have kids? Tell me, tell me what that looks like.

Yeah, we don't have kids. We're actually about to, so she's not my wife yet, but we're about to be married in about a month here. Okay. You know, it can be, yeah. It's sometimes on the couch. If it's a very heavy day, it's one of those where, you know, we sit down across the table from each other and we'll talk about it and talk about it face to face. Those are the heaviest days.

Cause you know, really all my attention needs to be in that. And, you know, just listening to her there. Are you therapist man i'm not what do you do for a living um i'm in customer success i work in you know tech if you will so i mean i i hope i i listen for a living i was gonna say man she won the lottery with brother. I wish I had had you as a friend. Talking about knowing experts, I wish I had known you when I first got married so long ago because you would have told me, stop talking.

Stop talking and just listen, right? You're a great friend to have. So here's a couple of things you can do. Number one, you are already there knowing I can't fix this. Most spouses want to fix it. And what that does, number one, is it turns their partner into a machine, which they're not, right? It turns them into something that is quote unquote broken, which she's not. But she does need to process sadness. She does need to process that isolating feeling you get when you turn a switch and somebody's life ends,

even if it's the right humane thing, or when you stop a ventilator or fill in the blank, man, that is lonely in a world that no one can understand that kind of loneliness, right? You can't solve that, but she's not broken, right? She's processing this and feeling this and experiencing this. So here's a couple of things you can do. Number one, you don't do this, and so I'm speaking this into existence for other folks who are listening. Ask somebody how you can best love them. Don't try to love them the best way you know how. Often, folks try to love each other with the only tools they have, right? Which is maybe

physical touch, maybe buying a bunch of gifts, maybe giving a bunch of advice. And if that's not how somebody else feels loved, it ends up crushing them, right? Because they then try to have to also have the burden of making you feel good about the gift that they don't want or that's burdening them, but they know you're doing it with a good spirit, right? So, just ask the question. When she's sitting across the table from you, reach your hands out. When she's talking to you, if you can, if she will, is able to touch you, when she does that, there's a processing that happens when you have physical touch and you're talking to somebody that makes it very visceral, very real. If she'll reach across that table and hold your hand while she's talking to you, that'd be awesome. And when she gets done, ask her those words out

loud. How can I best love you right now? Just ask her, hey, how can I best love you right now? Right? The second thing is, what are things that wear her out? And I'm taking Emily Nagoski's language. What are some of her offs? Not just in the bedroom, right? But what are some offs, things that she hates doing? And it could be filling the car up with gas. For years, my wife hated getting gas, and so it was just a big deal on Sunday nights, I'd just go fill her car, right?

Things like that. What are things that drive her bananas about the world that you could take from her and lighten her load? I mean, the easy one for us is laundry. That thing never goes away. And it's a burden for us. You know, we both, we do work full time and, you know, at the end of the week, it'll just be a mountain and we're like, where did that even come from? It grows, right? That's how we spend our weekend, you know, just doing chores because we're working through the week. So, yeah, laundry and dishes.

So I would say the normal household, you know, she's exhausted when she comes home. So that's not something we want to do. Do you have a laundry, like a washer dryer inside your place? We do. Okay. So this is something I started as part of my morning routine a few weeks ago. I'm just giving it a shot, and it has been – it's one of those moments, things has pushed me into like a shame cycle because of how easy it is.

And that is in the morning when I wake up, I just go switch one load of laundry. I'm trying to squeeze in one thing of service a day, just one, right? And it's best in the morning before my kids are awake, and I can just move one thing from the washer to the dryer and the dryer out. I fold it and I can set it there and go hang it up. It takes five minutes, max five minutes, but usually three. And then it's over. And then on Saturday, we don't get this insane pile that grows up.

Does that make sense? So there's these little ways to begin to chip away at that in a problem-solving way. But think through those things. I know you're tired too, but what are those things you can give to her in this season of chaos that's going to be a gift to your entire family unit? You're holding her arms up in the desert right now when she's exhausted, and there will come a season in your relationship when she'll hold yours up, right? But right now, this is that moment for y'all. Find some things that just are a burden to her and see if you can take those from her. You're adding onto your plate

and you don't have any space, and I get that. But she's in a season of crisis, and so I'm asking you to step into those moments, right? So the third thing is, you said y'all have a debrief time. Here's something that may not work for every couple. This is just an idea. If you guys have a debrief time. Here's something that may not work for every couple. This is just an idea. If you guys have a gratitude journal, but it's going to be a unique one, I want you to go buy

a journal and buy something fancy pants and set it in a place where she can see it, right? Whether that's on the bed, at night, at a place where she sits down and reads. But I want you to write three or four things that start with, I'm grateful for her and write it out, right? And they can be the same thing sometimes. Leave it in a place where she's going to see it and ask her if she will take a moment or two a day to write out some things she experienced that day. And what I want her to begin to do is associate your continued gratitude for her she's not a burden to you she is the joy of your life you're about to commit to spend the rest of your life with her forever and ever amen and I want to give her a space to begin to write some of this stuff

out and get it out of her head right and so it's a it's a multi-tiered task she may say I'm not writing anything but I'll I'll read your journal. She may take your gratitude journal and throw it on the floor. Like, I'm not reading that right now. You keep doing it. Keep doing it. Because here's why. After two months of doing laundry and doing all the stuff in the dishes all by yourself, you're going to start getting resentful and exhausted too, because you're working a full-time job, right? You're not doing these together anymore. You just picked up all this slack. I want you to be reminding yourself, I'm grateful for her, man. I am grateful for her. And I want her to see the daily decisions you're making to love her. And over time, she's going to love herself. Bonus if she'll write it down. Okay. Now here's the last

thing I want y'all to do. Every morning before you guys leave for work, I want you to hold her hands and look her in the eye and say, I love you. And what does your picture of today look like? What do you got on your plate? Not, hey, how can I serve you? Because now she's got to come up with a bunch of reasons why she's. What are, what does your picture look like for today? Just giving an architecture, providing architecture for the day for the both of you is freeing, right? And then it allows her to go in and do the hard, hard work that she's got to do.

And then she can circle out, come home, be fully herself, sit at that table and look at the guy she loves and just says and say, well, this happened today. And you can hold her hands, look her in the eye and say, I hate that for you. I'm so, so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. How can I love you right now? And then in the morning, oh my gosh, what's the picture of today going to look like? What's it going to look like today? I'm going to do one. I'm going to sneak one. I'm going to sneak two little acts of service throughout the day so

that on Saturday or Sunday, our days can be going for walks, can be going outside. She can take some quiet time. She can have some journaling time. Give her some of that space that she desperately needs to process this trauma that she's experiencing, right? It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. But first and foremost, Mitchell, thank you so much for your heart and for your soul. So grateful for you, brother. So grateful. All right. So as we wrap up today's COVID show, man, everybody's experiencing this in some shape, form, or fashion. This is messed up. Relationships, this is messed up. Workplaces, this is messed up. Parenting some shape, form, or fashion. This is messed up relationships. This is messed up workplaces. This is messed up parenting, teaching, nurse, all of it.

Be graceful with one another. Be graceful for people who are doing things differently than you. Don't assume that everyone's a jerk, and don't assume that everyone knows as much as you do. Don't assume that everyone just hasn't watched the one YouTube clip you have. Don't assume that, fill in the blank. Assume that everyone's doing the best they can with the limited tools they have. Be kind and be graceful.

If somebody's really frustrating you, take them to a place where they can retain their dignity. They can retain their respect and you can say, hey, here's how we're going to do it here. And continue to work together to be conscious and kind and do the things you can do in your little sphere of control to give yourself peace, to give yourself the next right step. And don't forget to feel sad. Don't forget to be lonely. Don't forget to be frustrated.

Those are all real feelings and angry. All that's real. All of it's real. Give yourself permission to feel those things and then go do the next right thing. So to wrap up today's show, let's see here, man. James, do you want to go 1988

or 1995? 88, no question. 88, no question. Is that when you were born? No, but you don't need to know when I was born. I don't need to know that. It's part of, it's off the grid, baby. Alright, so man, the greatest rap hip-hop group of all time. No question about it.

The Originals. They're the Originals before the Originals. In 1998, they came out with an extraordinary record called It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back. Public Enemy in 1988 dropped one of my favorite songs of all time called Bring the Noise, and it goes like this. Bass, how low can you go?

Death Row, what a brother no once again. Back is the incredible, the rhyme animal, the uncannibal D. Public Enemy number one. Five-O said freeze, and I got numb. Can I tell them that I never really had a gun, but it's the wax that the Terminator X spun now they got me in a cell because my records that records they sell because a brother like me said well Farrakhan's a prophet and I think you ought to listen to what can he say to

you what you ought to do is follow for now power of the people say make a miracle deep hope the lyrical dude this song is so good listen to. And they joined Anthrax for the greatest live song I've ever seen. Bring the Noise, Public Enemy. From coast to coast. I could go all day, but I'm not going to. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.